How can a guy pleasure himself

Everybody wants Norsca to be relevant and good again. With Epidemus, Tamurkhan, Malakai, Kislev, Thrott the Unclean, Malus Darkblade surrounding you, and the WoC update, a lot of people have complained that the Norsca roster feels slim, bare-bones, and their campaign can feel lackluster. That being said, Norsca has an amazing economy (arguably the best), a solid dependable defensive base in Norsca, the capability for rapid expansion, and strong lords so it definitely DOES have a lot going for it, and Throgg himself can lead an extremely frenzied (or rapid) campaign.
TL;DR of How Throgg and Norsca Work

• Norscan leaders can automatically confederate other Norscan factions by defeating the faction leader. This leads to Throgg having a 4 settlement start by the end of turn 1.
  
• With the blue line skill tree, you can get 9% improved casualty replenishment, another 9% with a Fimir Balefiend. That's a TON of casualty replenishment, especially when you consider the fact that with Mammoths, Ice Trolls, and Skin Wolves, your units rarely if ever drop to a low amount of models.
  
• Throgg gives Trolls & Ice Tolls a physical resistance of 15% and a reduced upkeep of 20%, which makes the unit absolutely fantastic faction wide.
  
• Their tier 3 ports give 800 income, 15% casualty replenishment and +30 growth. Enough said.
  
• Loads of buffs for sacking, and rewards you for razing settlements to the ground. When you raze a settlement, you can dedicate it to 4 gods. Benefits ranging from improved income from ports, improved casualty replenishment, reduced upkeep for your armies, and unique lords.
  
• A monster hunting mechanic that gives items, cash, and of course, unique RoR monsters to join your armies. Surprisingly, this actually isn't really that impactful. The RoR are amazing, especially the Hellcannon, but they're minor compared to everything else.
  

Pros & Cons:
Will try to only give pros and cons relevant to Throgg's faction rather than the Norsca.
Pros:

• Very fresh campaign because wherever you look, you have enemies. In less than 40 turns, it's almost guaranteed you will fight Dwarves, WoC, Nurgle, Kislevians, Dark Elvens, Empire, Norscans, Skavens and a plethora of LLs.
  
• You can get Throggs end game doomstack online very fast. The doomstack stays relevant the entire game. Throgg is fun AF to use, and Ice Trolls & Skin Wolves reliably destroy most armies. I wish I could have 5 Throggs, I'd literally paint the entire map in maybe 100 turns.
  
• Very flexible gameplay that rewards you in every way for being aggressive and moving forward.
  
• Throgg gives his personal armies Trolls +8 MD, +12 Leadership (!!), another -10% upkeep, 20% missile resistance, Frenzy (which is massive on these guys), and most importantly, HORRIBLE REGENERATION which means they can REVIVE DEAD MODELS (ABSOLUTELY WILD). These buffs also apply to Skin Wolves and Femirs. With the red tree, you can give them another +6 MA and 12% WS. With techs, +10% charge bonus, and another +10% WS. **THEY ARE INSANE AND HIT LIKE A WRECKING BALL. To make it even better, Throgg has the ability to give Ice Trolls a global recruitment turn of 1, which greatly improves your ability to navigate in enemy lands.
  
• Norscans encamp stance is a raiding encamp stance providing 10 MD, 10 LD, raids, makes them immune to attrition, and decreases the upkeep of that army by 20%. Huge, huge plus.
  
• When you confederate Wulfrik, he's still the same insane duelist. With his abilities, you can reliably snipe 99% of the LLs with little to no effort. I struggle to see an enemy AI that can take him on except maybe Malus Darkblade and even then, you'd need a large XP gap. Mammoth Wulfrik? No shot. He can drop most generic LLs MD to 0 and stop them from moving.
  
• You can achieve the win condition by as little as 30 turns. Damn.
  
• Easily the best end turn sound effect. Click end turn, inhale, and yell NOOORSCAA.
  

Cons:

• The roster is slim, and as a result, it can become very stale. In fact, I would boil down the roster to two LLs, heroes, ice trolls, chaos trolls, mammoths (sick af tho), and skin wolves. You could maybe play fimirs but you have better trolls so why? That's really not that many units when you consider factions like WoC, Lizardmen, High Elves, Skaven, etc. This is a WH1 faction, they should have so many more units (I get that it may not have as much content from the table top).
  
• You have defendable inner provinces but you're surrounded by enemies. You literally can't be everywhere at once. Although, when you conquer the Northern chaos wastes, you have your back to the edge of the map.
  
• Norsca is too long. It can take upwards of 8 turns to go from 1 end to the other, and there's mountains separating them as well, so you could chase Wulfrik down the middle only for him to be on the other end and all of a sudden you're listening to this.
  
• Outside of your own personal goals, the campaign offers little to no goals after you beat the initial goal. You got the only other LL within 30 turns. You crushed Kislev. The Empire is a grind. You got your tier 5 settlements and units within 30 turns. It can be stale. I personally enjoyed the campaign late in because I like painting the map and watching Throgg eat up different LLs but there were moments where it was weak.
  

Early Game:
You do have a bit of a tough initial battle, but you got it for sure. Let your province allow you to recruit 1 more, recruit and move. Ignore Norsca after you get your initial province, go down, take Malakai out ASAP (very achievable, rush his artillery). get Lair of the Trolls, go down and you'll find Kostatlyn and Azazel fighting, with Kostatlyn wounded. In fact, if you offer to join his war against Azazel, he'll most likely agree to be your vassal (happened in 3 out of 3 playthroughs). Don't let him be your vassal, he won't join wars against Katarin and its in your victory condition to crush him. With this, you have Katarin to crush and you can recruit another lord in Norsca to lead your war to confederate the others.
Build infrastructure buildings ASAP. Minor settlements will have growth building + minor military chains + either the income building (only 150g, so not really worth it), or the building that gives you a wizard hero.
If you decide to raise another army, it could be worth it to wait till Throgg minimizes the global recruit time for trolls. You can save loads of turns and cash because you recruit 3 Ice Trolls per turn. Replace Throggs army with Ice Trolls ASAP though, and make sure that its recruited on the east side of your province because thats significantly faster to reach Throgg with than raising at the capital.
Mid Game:
A decision here: Do you continue conquering past Kislev into the Empire and eventually running into the Chaos dwarves? Or do you conquer the entirety of Norsca and go north? It's up to you. You've probably already accomplished your early victory conditions, so it's entirely up to you.
The ideal composition for non-Throgg armies now are LL, 2 Skinwolf Werekin, 1 Fimir Balefiend, and 1 Sorcerer-Shaman, 6 Skin Wolves, Ice Trolls, and maybe 3-4 ranged units (I add them for flavor but you could just have more Ice Trolls or whatever you want here).
Malus Darkblade will be a PROBLEM. Loads of ranged weapons, artillery, and Malus is a tough, tough guy to beat. Sigvald might also have the legendary heroes with him + upwards of 5-6 armies between him and his vassal who attack you from all sides. Sigvald and Malus will 100% get some of your settlements. You can't be everywhere all at once.
Late Game:
Mammoth doomstacks. Raze settlements. Occupy and paint the map. Do whatever you want. You were done with your objectives in the early game, it's entirely up to you what you want to do now. You've also experienced most of the roster, so it's literally just long term objectives for you. I would actually not advise that you play into the late game, because I am almost certain you will find the campaign stale as hell and the god rewards aren't worth grinding out for, especially now that we have Tzeentch and Nurgle factions.
Trees
In this order for Throgg:

• Blue Tree: I recommend 3 points in despoilers, 1 in Norscan Resilience (You're never there long enough to benefit from the growth and recruitment cost doesnt matter). Lightning strike, unnatural healing, and then you can skip spawn of chaos but you're already there so you might as well.

Into

• Red Tree: You definitely want to optimize for trolls, and then for monsters of the north. On Throgg though, you can skip going for monsters of the north, and immediately go into Throggs line now.
  
• Throggs Line: You can skip Dread Retainers (its good but not necessarily priority). Primordial might is great for WS as well, makes it worth getting.
  
• Yellow Tree: The rest is up to you. It's all good here, I take hard to hit and deadly blade, wound maker, and indomitable/scarred veteran (both good, especially since Throggs regen helps him last vs LLs that cause terror).
  

Research Tree

• Beeline to Corpulent Sails (campaign movement range is insane).
  
• Monster Hunter into Ice Blooded Strength (boost your trolls even more).
  
• The rest is completely up to you, I skip the marauder lines though (so basically just ignore top left of the research map).
  

Stand Out Units, lords, heros

• Trolls: You should know this by now. Beasts, crazy stats, crazy regen, cheaper, physical resistance, easy to globally recruit.
  
• War Mammoths: One of the coolest units in the game, a doomstack of these has a hard time losing.
  
• Skinwolves: I actually got really good use out of these units in the campaign. Anti-large is becoming more and more useful, the regen is excellent, they're speedy as hell, I was surprised by how much I loved this unit. They definitely fall off as the game goes on though.
  
• Chaos Frost Dragon: You will recruit these because they're dragon. They're pretty good. You'll enjoy.
  
• Throgg & Wulfrik are really, really fun. Wulfrik more so than Throgg. He has a ton of bound abilities.
  

Overall Rating & Review
If you're an old head who's played a ton of Norsca, it be very enjoyable to play Norsca with the new LLs that surround you. If you're new and own WH1, Norsca is a fun faction that you need no DLC for to have everything. There's no time wasted in this campaign, no down time, it ramps up as fast as it burns out.
Definitely a fun change of pace, a straightforward campaign, it's not where we would probably want Norsca as a faction and they would benefit a ton from just a few more units and some end game goals. That being said, I don't think it deserves the amount of hate I see it getting. It's enjoyable.
Final rating:
8/10+ if you're a Norsca fan.
7/10 if you're neutral.
5/10 if you're a difficulty nut.
Also everyone, it's my second time writing a guide or a review for Total War, so if you have any feedback, please do let me know in the comments! I submit my first guide for Nakai over a year ago, and I still get messages in my inbox and on that thread for it which really motivated me to make another guide. I'll be more than happy to get back to anyone if they have any questions, I had a great time playing this campaign and I love this game!

I posted this on another sub, but I meant to post it here!

I love how in ep 2 we see Penelope grow in her confidence, and how much Colin emphasized she was perfect, she just needed to not think about others judging her. (Imagine the love of your life seeing you stumble through flirting and still concluding you're the bee's knees 😭. It was like how unsure Colin felt about himself after what LW wrote and he was worried Penelope's opinion of him might have changed. She validated him and then he had a bounce again. He's such a puppy lol.) Then things went so well in the drawing room (dang can that girl flirt) and when she put it to practice at the ball -- she did it! It didn't even take much. It was just being able to know she had a support person and having Colin talk her through it. She started off a little silly with Lord Brasillio but she still talked to a gentleman in a completely appropriate way!
Lord Remington, though, sealed the deal. He said he would call on her. Her very first male caller! That's such a big deal! She was so proud of herself. And Colin saw how happy it made her, even if he was a little pouty about it lol.
She was able to be her charming self more easily because Colin reminded her she's amazing: "You're Penelope Featherington, do not forget that." She needed to hear that from someone (because who else tells her that?). Eloise was a terrible wingman. Colin is charmed by her too -- he admitted so in the market, when he said to her face, you were so charming when we met. He pretty much said I noticed you and I still haven't forgotten how cute you were. He's sort of been validating her since the end of ep 1 (but obviously there's more in S1 and S2).
Penelope's confidence was building and likely only going to keep improving -- but then Eloise couldn't keep her mouth shut. Personally, I found that the gossip happening right when Penelope is on a high and full of hope very emotionally devastating. And her on her windowsill, quietly listening to her mother's horrible words, and then saying to Colin that I am a stupid, stupid girl. My heart broke for her. I don't know if we've ever really seen her this low in the show except end of S2, but then she had the power of LW. This felt worse.
I also think it's wonderful she managed Debling all on her own. She had her guard down because she'd given up but I was happy she got to see that she really is wonderful and doesn't need to do anything but be herself. (And I liked that Debling told her that too! He's a good guy.)
I think we are going to see a lot more about Penelope's confidence in part 2. She is radiant in the teaser but she doesn't know yet if Colin will still love her or want to be with her if he finds out she's LW. There's many parts of herself she's still ashamed about. We know Colin "My Wife" Bridgerton can't keep his hands off her (yes, he was quick to marry Marina too, but he had no trouble with self-control with Marina, like almost kissing Penelope in a ballroom ffs). I am curious to see what they do with the rest of her journey.

Hey guys,
I need some advice from men. I have dated a guy for almost 3 months now. The first dates were really good. We have so many in common, the same mindset and so on. The time we spent together was also very good and we built a good connection. I asked him, what his intentions are, is he looking for a relationship or something casual and he told me, that he likes me a lot und love to spend time with me, and that I would be the perfect girlfriend BUT he has issues to built feelings for me. He said, that has nothing to do with me, rather with him. ( he was married and his wife cheated on him 3 years ago) I asked him then, if I should pull back to protect myself before I get really deep feelings for him, but he said no, he would miss me and he really tries to open himself up for this, but I have the feeling, that he is only saying that, so that he can say “I told you” when things don’t working out. When we are together he is really sweet and shows me how much he likes me but out of nowhere he continuing to say things like “I am like a stone”, “I would like to cry sometimes but I have no emotions” “ I can’t feel anything”, So I am wondering if he only says this things because he is afraid of being hurt again, after his ex wife, or is he just playing games to get what he wants and then leave me ? I often made the experience, that when people saying things about themselves without being asked for, is mostly the opposite, like “ I am always honest and tell what I think”, then the person does the opposite and have issues with telling the truth. So does he says that, because he wants to be the stone with no feelings because he is afraid or is it just a warning, that I shouldn’t except anything serious from him ? Sorry for the long text and thank you for your time. I just don’t want to be delulu and interpret things where nothing is.

Hey guys. My apologies, this is a long read lol.
So my boyfriend is 26 years old and life has dealt him a fairly hard one. Long story short, he did his primary and form one at a private school until his dad got retrenched and had to move to a government school for the rest of his high school. Fast forward to Uni, he managed to get in to a top African institution to study engineering. His parents couldn't afford it though so he had to get a relative to sponsor his schooling. He was doing well and was on course to finishing record time...then covid hit. Funding relative apparently got retrenched and so he lost funding. He found work in restaurants and all for his rent and upkeep but his school fees was unpaid for the entire year. The institution has a fairly strict fee policy so not only did he not graduate, he doesn't have access to his transcript and the debt incurs an interest monthly. It is currently approaching USD$25K.
With no transcript there is no way he can apply for a decent job. Four years of engineering school wasted. Without a job, there is no way he can pay off the debt. SO he is basically feels like he is stuck.
When I met him he was working for a small financial institution together with a relative. Unfortunately the institution is currently down and under, business is not doing good. He hasn't been paid for about three months now, they have even stopped going in to work because there is just nothing. Now all they do is eat and sleep at home.
Initially when business started going bad he was optimistic. He'd be scrounging and coming up with all sorts of ideas on how to get back on his feet. But then one by one his ideas flopped. Many of them needed capital which he doesn't have.
When it comes to his character, he is a hardworking fellow who grew up without much and so has a taste for the finer things of life (hence why he chose me, hehe *wink). My boyfriend loves the good life shame hey, he doesn't settle for less. That's a good thing and a bad thing. Good because he will always want more for himself and bad because he can be stubborn and a little prideful. He doesn't like asking for help either. He just wants to figure it out all by himself. I know a relative of his that is doing well for himself... like filthy rich. I once jokingly suggested he ask for a job or at least a reference but he said my pride is too much I could never.
Today he texted me saying he is feeling suicidal because he sees himself as a failure and my heart just broke. I want to be there for him and offer him a shoulder and help him brainstorm but because of his ego he won't allow me. He is an alpha male who believes the man should do all the worrying and the woman should just sit pretty. I believe even men have feelings and I should be supportive enough for him to pour himself out to me. I want to be there for him.
I have suggested doing a short course on data analytics online and I also suggested free therapy. He has agreed to do both. If you have any information on these that could help please let me know.
I'm determined to help him get back on his feet. I don't want my baby to be just another statistic.

My [20M] girlfriend [20F] of 6 months is currently traveling abroad over the summer for 2 months. She is meeting new people and in a whole new place which is very exciting.
There is a seven hour time differences meaning that we can only really talk for a tiny bit in the mornings before I go to work for the day.
This morning we talked on the phone. She told me that while she was out yesterday, one of the guys in the travel abroad group accompanied / followed her to get lunch. He insisted on paying for her meal and when they left she heard him mumble to himself that she was “adorable”. She told me about this but mentioned he was “really sweet”. She also mentioned that she never told him she had a boyfriend, but that she wanted her roommates to bring it up when they had a chance in front of him (I suppose because she would feel awkward mentioning that).
When I asked her how I didn’t come up during the conversation, she got a little defensive and said something along the lines of “are you actually mad at me about this?” to where I told her I wasn’t at all. The phone conversation kind of ended in a weird place, where she had to go to class.
When we were texting, I wanted to “reconcile” (if it is even considered that, as the conversation wasn’t much of a disagreement). I wanted to clarify that I wasn’t upset I wasn’t mention, but rather just wondering about it. The reason I was curious was that when we first started this relationship, she told me I needed to bring her up to every girl I meet.
My message to her was the following:
Me: I wasn’t trying to make you upset at me this morning, I was just wondering about bringing it up since you had dinner with him i wasn’t trying to be weird
She responded to me:
Her: It wasn’t dinner babe, it was a midday lunch, I feel like that different. And idk it just didn’t come up it was all about school but everyone knows I have a bf so idk I didn’t think i had to bring it up
Me: I know I just know you told me to always tell people (about you) when i meet them
Her: So are you mad at me?
Me: No I’m not mad you just seemed upset when I asked about bringing me up
Her: idk I feel like when there a group of 20 people it’s hard to like tell every single person — I felt like you were blaming me
Me: I know but if ur alone with a guy you know? Like if I was getting lunch with a girl I’d mention it
Her: ok
Me: Are you upset?
Her: Honestly yeah
Me: Why are you upset?
Her: I’ll talk to you later
Me: Please don’t just leave. Why are you upset?
Her: I’m not going to tell you things if I feel like you might get mad at me about it. I told you about how I asked my roomate’s to bring you up to him. Like idk what tf you want from me. I’m not texting until I’m back from beach so bye.
Now I am at work contemplating what I did incorrectly. I know it wasn’t necessary to bring up the hypothetical about me getting lunch with a girl, but I guess it was confusing to me.
Am I the asshole here?
Thanks everyone.
edit: clarity

Note: please excuse typos. Writing this on a glitchy phone.
Was looking forward to their video as generations and demographics is something I am highly knowledgeable about and always like watching good video essays on the topics…and sad to say I was severely disappointed. I watched the whole channel and was not particularly impressed with the other videos. I think there is some room for growth for sure, and I don’t want to make this post to just disparage this person, but I feel like they are spreading harmful ideas that contribute to the general anxiety many young people already have about feeling past their prime, or too late in life when there’s literally in their 20s. Was not really impressed with their more political oriented videos either but I mainly here just to talk about generations
This felt like this person made strong opinions on a topic he only half understands. And it wouldn’t be so bad if he was just saying this is my opinion, but he is making assertions that what he is saying is objectively, true factual, information or just the reality people have to accept when there is no sourcing and it’s quite literally just his opinion.
To begin right off the bat, he makes an assertion that generations are objectively real and they just plainly are not. He tries to back this up by saying people in the 60s grew different than people in the 90s but that’s just a truism. That doesn’t make generations, courting people off into different groups real. He says that we can disagree on the dates, but the idea that people are in generations is real and then used what I just described as the proof but again it’s not. It’s quite literally a social construct that is completely subjective. That’s why when you go to country to country generation dates can be wildly different like Canada Stastica putting generation Z start date in 1993 in many countries around the world even using generational measurements because it all stemmed from marketing research in the United States and the desire to be able to market to different groups of people. In fact, much of the ideas, we have a buy generations come from marketing firms, not any sort of scientific or governmental body. The census doesn’t even mark down or define generations. Marketing firms do.
This kid seems like they are going through the “I’m in 20s and I’m so old” phase. He responded to a literal 20 year old that “ageing sucks and sorry our gen is losing relevance” completely ignoring THIS PERSON IS 20 and has 2 decades of being a young adult ahead of them, completely shows a lack of understanding on how culture works and forgets the reality that people who are significantly older than you can impact the culture anyone of any age can do this as people typically don’t look at age as the first thing, at least increasing not anymore. But even before that too like Debbie harry in the 80s but I digress.
He speaks From the perspective of generation Z himself, that because generation Z by large because of the Internet had content for Gen Z made by Gen Z, this will be the case for Gen A making Gen Z irrelevant. This is such a bad take, because it not only forgets that populations are still around and have relevance amongst themselves not just the mainstream or internet culture -whatever that even is in 2024 (which is a whole part he doesn’t even address on what Gen Z is falling off from or Gen A is rising too) but people of all ages, dominate the mainstream realm not just “the youth” which it seems to be up to 20 in his eyes or at least not past 30 which again…is still because 30 and 30s is still a young adult. He forgets how especially fragmented and broken off parts of culture are now into a bubble, but the mainstream is still dominated by people of all ages And he even contradicts himself by saying older generations make contact for younger generations that becomes incredibly popular, so how can Gen Z be falling off, which is such a silly thing to even say when people of all generations make content that people of all generations would or could like. For example, Lizzo and even Beyoncé being big amongst young kids of Gen A and Gen Z or Kendrick Lamar, and Drake being nearly 40 and being huge among kids in GEN, alpha. both established artists and a newer artist that came out later only in 2019. showing that at any point anyone at any age to influence culture for any group of people.
Really poor made videos on generations that makes objective statements about literal SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS that include incredibly fluid and diverse groups - pushes ageist ideas
Seems like this creators videos need much more of a nuanced and educated exploration of these topics as they are limited in scope and literally just push ageism telling generation Z is out for falling. And millennials are out and falling with shows a horrible understanding of cultural exchange. Not to mention makes literal tweens, teens and young adults as if they aren’t real ent anymore. Ridiculous and erroneous. This channel gives the vibes that 30 (or heck even 25) is the end of youth or being young which I shouldn’t have to explain how ignorant this is. The comments are full of people who say they have anxiety now because they already feel old (and they’re actually not of course) with one comment for example saying they were born in 1999 (only 25) and don’t understand how they already losing relevance and others trying to tell that comment not worry about it because it’s just a guy that opinion, and a poor one at that.
Just overall poorly made videos that try to sound smart with decent to good video but are not. What a dumb man would think a smart take is

I am currently in university with one exam remaining, it's an online exam in 3 days. After an hour-long phone call with my friend from high school who I hadn't spoken to in months, I mentioned how my motivation to study for this final exam is low as it's online and the last one of the year.
*Context, I started university at 22 because while everyone else was going at 18, my father (who was violent and abusive) was dying of brain cancer and I had to look after him while he slowly deteriorated. I also delt with bullying and severe unmedicated ADHD which cause me problems everywhere in life. Since I got on medication and went through therapy for my past my grades went through the roof and I was able to secure a place at a top 20 university in the world in London. I have many good friends, high self esteem and high quality internships.
Now that you know the context my friend said to me (paraphrased): "Bro you are one of the bravest, toughest smartest guys I know. Saying you can't find motivation for this last exam is a lie and an insult to yourself. I've seen you go through hell in this life, have everyone doubting you, and you never gave up and ended up proving everyone wrong. To tell yourself you cannot find motivation now goes against every single time you have pulled through when nobody except you and our friend group thought you could. You havent always seen the good in yourself, but I have always seen the good in you, and I cannot stand by listening to you undermining the phenomenal person you have become, because it is an insult to what you and me both know to be true. You aint perfect, you don't always act like the smartest guy, I suppose the ADHD doesn't help with that, but I know how special you are because I have seen you do the impossible time and time again, and you owe it to yourself, for all the hell you've been through, to give yourself the credit and the belief you have earned, that you deserve".
I have tears in my eyes rn. My friend usually doesn't express himself emotionally like that, but he's so right. I am so lucky. It's crazy how you can have one million people (including yourself) tell you you're worthless and should give up, but all it takes is for one person to come into your life and tell you you have value, that they believe in you, that you're special. That one person makes you ignore everyone who said otherwise. It feels so good to be recognised, and to be reminded. I had to write this down and share this while its fresh in my memory, but I am going to remember his words forever now. This has lit a fire in me, I am going to get right back to my studies, but I had to share this first..
Anyone who's reading, please be that one person to someone else. and be that person to yourself.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my boy and his aversion to his leash. He’s now 17 weeks old and has been with us for 5.5 weeks. He is settling it a lot better and he’s doing great at everything… except the leash.
We have tried all the things suggested, including working with a trainer, trying a different leash, getting rid of the harness all together, having him checked for any physical ailments, and starting him on calming treats per the vet’s recommendation. We have made some progress in that he will now play with the leash/drag it around and chew on it himself, and he will let me touch the clip to his collar in exchange for a treat.
However, he still shuts down when it’s put on him. He doesn’t cry or yelp anymore, he just runs to his kennel and sits there, not making eye contact, not eating, and not engaging until it’s unclipped. Literally the second it’s unclipped he wags and gobbles up treats. I am starting to wonder if it’s truly a fear or if it’s a preference (ie he doesn’t like the leash and therefore knows he can wait me out). I am struggling because I don’t want to torture the little guy but he needs to get used to having it on and eventually learning to walk on it. Has anyone else had this where their dog shuts down when leashed but is immediately fine after? If so, how did you resolve it? Thanks..

Sorry that this is so long.
Tldr: My boyfriend is extremely insecure about several topics and I'm afraid it'll destroy our relationship.
My (F21) boyfriend (M21) of a few weeks is very insecure and I have a feeling I am making it worse. When I first pursued him he actually accidentally rejected me due to insecurity because he couldn't imagine a woman like me would ever be interested in a man like him (so he thought I was making fun of him). I made it more clear that I really want him and now we're together but I know that he's feeling super insecure. When we kiss he oftentimes opens his eyes after and mutters something like "I can't believe you actually like me" or "I don't know what I've done to deserve you" and a few days ago I found him crying because according to him he doesn't deserve me and I'm apparently to good for him, which I don't get. I wanted him first. Still, I'm scared that this insecurity will destroy our relationship again and it's really not healthy at all so I want to help him get over it. I told him even though I like him no matter what that if he feels like he doesn't deserve me he can try to become a guy who he thinks he deserves me but I don't know if that was too harsh so I might have to try another approach .
From what I've gathered there are 4 main areas of insecurity for him. 1. Our social circles, 2. Our grades, 3. Our looks and 4. The romantic attention we get/our experience.

1. Our social circles: He is a pretty nerdy guy who is introverted to the point where I'm suspecting him to have social anxiety. He especially struggles talking to women. I'm pretty sure he was only able to talk to me since did most of the heavy lifting in terms of our early conversations and never stopped trying to get to know him. He has a small group of close-knit friends who he cares a lot about. They're like brothers which is really cute to me. The problem is that outside of that group of friends he is definitely less than popular, I think because he is socially awkward like that with a pretty peculiar sense of humour, which I like however.

My social life looks very different. I'm just as nerdy as him behind closed doors but since I had a pretty massive glow up people don't expect that from me. I'm fact outwardly I'm definitely someone in the popular crowd and I gotta admit- I got a pretty big social circle with four groups of friends, two of which are really close as well and I'm basically the centre of.
Whenever he and I are walking together and I have to greet someone again (which happens pretty often, especially on campus) he gets annoyed, especially when it's a guy. A little more than half of my group of friends are guys and I already made him aware that that's not gonna change since I've known most of them for years- still, he suspects almost every one of those to be interested in me which can be quite annoying. There have been some who confessed but that was before my boyfriend and I got together and I established clear boundaries with those. That's the first problem caused by insecurities.

1. grades and achievements: He is a smart man, a former gifted kid, It's a part of him that first caused me to be attracted to him, but the problem is- I as well was a gifted kid. We have lived very different lifes up to this point. He had a pretty relaxed upbringing while I spent my time growing up in debate competitions, dance competitions and participating in youth politics since my parents wanted to prime me for success. I think he has just always been the smart kid and at the beginning he was fully convinced that he was way smarter than me because I asked him to explain things to me since I like to hear him explain and he didn't think that someone like me would be able to have intelligent thoughts or something which he admitted was stupid of him and just based on stereotypes. Now that we spend pretty much every second day together he knows that I actually have a better GPA than him and that I'm according to him "more gifted than him" (which partially has to do with me being on the spectrum) he doesn't openly say it but I know it bothers him. As a formerly gifted kid myself I know how much it hurts when someone is better than you when the thing you were growing up was always just the 'smart kid'. He said that he wants to work harder so he can take care of me sometime in the future but knowing him I know that's only half of the story. Just like he started going to the gym more because at the beginning of our relationship I was stronger than him (Years of competitive dance, martial arts and just being a gym girl). He now is stronger than me again but he still talks about how emasculated he felt because of it.
   
2. Our looks: I was told I have pretty privilege and I got to admit myself - after my glow up I definitely felt how different people treat me now and I get quite a lot of attention now to the point where it's uncomfortable, especially since before my glow up I definitely wasn't as conventionally attractive and was also treated as such. I think my boyfriend looks good. He is cute. His lips are pretty and heart shaped and his eyeshape and lashes are to die for. He doesn't see that though. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea. I gathered so much when I told other people that we're dating but he's my cup of tea so that shouldn't matter. Even his friends teased him about his looks in comparison to mine when he told them and when he told me- I swear I was ready to explode. I try to give him compliments about his looks but he doesn't know how to accept them. He says I'm the only one who'll ever compliment him this way anyway so what's the point. My boyfriend says that when he first saw me he thought I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen which is why he couldn't believe why I would keep on talking to him. I think being with me makes his insecurities about his looks worse because according to him an 'ugly guy' like him doesn't deserve a girl like me. I think that's bullshit. There is way more to a relationship than looks and I think he's cute and way too harsh on his looks.
   
3. Our romantic experience and the attention we get.
   

I am his first. The first girl he kissed, his first date, his first time holding hands, his first in general. He told me that before we met again he had given up on love- concluded that it wasn't happening for him and that after his parents passed on he should just follow them- and then I showed up again and made it obvious how much I wanted him. I feel so honoured to be his first but not getting any attention before me took a real toll on his self perception I think. He says that I'm the only woman he'll have in this lifetime though. That if I don't work out he'll give up on dating which worries me.
I am the exact opposite. Sure I wasn't in a relationship before him, I also was still a virgin and also never kissed anyone willingly but I get attention. I get asked for my number on the streets or in uni, I get asked on dates and I also went on dates before. I just never felt it. Where he feels like he doesn't get seen by women I feel like I only get seen as a piece of meat, as a love interest, a manic pixie dream girl or a sex object by men. I had so many bad experiences with that just being treated like a normal person by him (partially because he thought he didn't have a chance anyway) had me falling head over heels for him.
He feels insecure about the attention I get however, especially if it'd be men he perceives to be good-looking, successful or simply cool. He often mentions that apparently there were several guys in the friend group we met in that wanted to pursue me and he feels bad for them that he's the one who got me because he's just a 'bastard' in his own words. I think this is another one of the things that bothers him the most based on how often he mentions it. Whenever he finds out that a guy we know ever was interested in me I never hear the end of it. I even was asked for my number while he was right next to me and while in a conversation with him which is not only mad disrespectful but also made him really angry and caused his insecurities to skyrocket. I feel really sorry to make him insecure that way but I really can't control it. He also likes when I get really dressed up for dates and I like that too but whenever he sees the stares I get from men he seems to regret it.
All in all he seems to put me on a pedestal and seems to compare himself to not only me but also other men in my life though I don't want them. I only want him. He says it's suspicious how little is wrong with me, that I'm too good but that's not true. I'm possessive (which I'm working on), at least as competitive as him, all of the social skills he admires so much in me I trained myself to have since I'm pretty much lost in social situations. I can be quite clumsy and scatterbrained sometimes and when I get to talk about my special interests I won't stop for hours. I was training for discipline from a young age to the point where I sometimes don't sleep or eat enough to manage to do everything I planned. I am a perfectionist to an unhealthy degree and sometimes I feel like a robot who just has to function no matter what. I tried to show him, tell him all my flaws but no matter what he doesn't see them as flaws.
He for example sees all of the achievements, the medals my perfectionism brought me but not that I lost so much sleep and ate so little for extended periods of time when I was little that I just stopped growing.
I try to show him that I really like him. He is smart, witty, funny and even though he tries to hide it incredibly kind. He takes care of his friends, family and now me. I feel so safe around him and ...just like myself. I try to tell him that. I try to give him gifts, I try to spend as much time as possible with him and take care of him. Whenever he expresses his boundaries I try to comply (for example he dislikes when I show my cleavage when he isn't around so I stopped) but I feel like that's no use as long as that little voice in his head tells him that he's not enough and that he doesn't deserve me.
I just don't know what to do so that he finally sees himself the way I see him- a person who of course has flaws but is beautiful and kind and a person who deserves to be loved and I'm pretty sure I love.
Thank you for any advice. (And sorry for my English. English is actually my fourth language so I'm not as articulate in it as I would like)

A lot of guys make the critical mental error of believing that a rejection from one woman means all women feel the same way. Her (one woman’s) lack of attraction doesn’t apply to the entire female population. Success in dating is largely (although not entirely) a numbers game. There are a multitude of women who will find you attractive, even if one particular woman doesn’t. Giving up and throwing a fit after one rejection will prevent you from opportunity.
How can you maintain the self-perception of an attractive man with an abundance of opportunity when you collapse due to a single rejection?
Rejecting a man can be absolutely terrifying for a woman; unfortunately, her physical safety is often something she has to consider. Deceptive Nice Guys will often act like Prince Charming when things are going well, but when they get rejected, they lose their shit—the veil gets lifted.
Don’t be this guy. The ability to handle rejection with grace is a crucial component of your integrity as a man, and an integral part of your overall attractiveness.
Here are some general guidelines for handling rejection as an attractive man:

1. Process the emotions. Rejection can be painful, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling let down. When facing rejection, it’s important to not only allow yourself to feel the emotions, but be present and analytical in those feelings without dwelling. Also recognize that some rejections warrant more emotional energy than others.
   If your girlfriend of two years leaves you for another guy, the feelings that come with that situation are more complex than getting ghosted on a dating app. Don’t let minor rejections from strangers discourage you.
   
2. De-stigmatize. This step is essential. Do not put yourself in the frame of mind that rejection is something that happens just to you. When you’re rejected, it can feel like someone else’s opinion are the final judgment of you as a person. This type of thinking is ludicrous. Rejection is a frequent part of life that EVERYONE experiences, no matter what is projected on social media.
   
3. Detach. If you listen to some accounts of the most successful people in history, a common theme is that they were rejected over and over again, yet still persevered. Successful people seek out pleasure rather than focus on avoiding the discomfort (i.e. rejection). Here’s a secret—men who have the most success with women are often the ones who get rejected the most . Men who are wholly detached from rejection are the most powerful; rejection almost becomes a point of self-amusement. Guys who have an ambivalent attitude toward rejection are even able to joke about it with their friends instead of treating as a mark against their self-worth. If you struggle with the ability to move on from even minor rejection, here are some great quotes to keep you motivated:
   

“You have to learn to take rejection not as an indication of personal failing, but as wrong address.” - Ray Bradbury
“Most men with weak grasps of their own truth fantasize about the ability to never be rejected, ever. Not only is this a manifestation of their neediness, it’s unrealistic…” - Mark Manson
Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-attractive-mans-guide-to-rejection

A lot of guys make the critical mental error of believing that a rejection from one woman means all women feel the same way. Her (one woman’s) lack of attraction doesn’t apply to the entire female population. Success in dating is largely (although not entirely) a numbers game. There are a multitude of women who will find you attractive, even if one particular woman doesn’t. Giving up and throwing a fit after one rejection will prevent you from opportunity.
How can you maintain the self-perception of an attractive man with an abundance of opportunity when you collapse due to a single rejection?
Rejecting a man can be absolutely terrifying for a woman; unfortunately, her physical safety is often something she has to consider. Deceptive Nice Guys will often act like Prince Charming when things are going well, but when they get rejected, they lose their shit—the veil gets lifted.
Don’t be this guy. The ability to handle rejection with grace is a crucial component of your integrity as a man, and an integral part of your overall attractiveness.
Here are some general guidelines for handling rejection as an attractive man:

1. Process the emotions. Rejection can be painful, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling let down. When facing rejection, it’s important to not only allow yourself to feel the emotions, but be present and analytical in those feelings without dwelling. Also recognize that some rejections warrant more emotional energy than others.
   If your girlfriend of two years leaves you for another guy, the feelings that come with that situation are more complex than getting ghosted on a dating app. Don’t let minor rejections from strangers discourage you.
   
2. De-stigmatize. This step is essential. Do not put yourself in the frame of mind that rejection is something that happens just to you. When you’re rejected, it can feel like someone else’s opinion are the final judgment of you as a person. This type of thinking is ludicrous. Rejection is a frequent part of life that EVERYONE experiences, no matter what is projected on social media.
   
3. Detach. If you listen to some accounts of the most successful people in history, a common theme is that they were rejected over and over again, yet still persevered. Successful people seek out pleasure rather than focus on avoiding the discomfort (i.e. rejection). Here’s a secret—men who have the most success with women are often the ones who get rejected the most . Men who are wholly detached from rejection are the most powerful; rejection almost becomes a point of self-amusement. Guys who have an ambivalent attitude toward rejection are even able to joke about it with their friends instead of treating as a mark against their self-worth. If you struggle with the ability to move on from even minor rejection, here are some great quotes to keep you motivated:
   

“You have to learn to take rejection not as an indication of personal failing, but as wrong address.” - Ray Bradbury
“Most men with weak grasps of their own truth fantasize about the ability to never be rejected, ever. Not only is this a manifestation of their neediness, it’s unrealistic…” - Mark Manson
Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-attractive-mans-guide-to-rejection

A lot of guys make the critical mental error of believing that a rejection from one woman means all women feel the same way. Her (one woman’s) lack of attraction doesn’t apply to the entire female population. Success in dating is largely (although not entirely) a numbers game. There are a multitude of women who will find you attractive, even if one particular woman doesn’t. Giving up and throwing a fit after one rejection will prevent you from opportunity.
How can you maintain the self-perception of an attractive man with an abundance of opportunity when you collapse due to a single rejection?
Rejecting a man can be absolutely terrifying for a woman; unfortunately, her physical safety is often something she has to consider. Deceptive Nice Guys will often act like Prince Charming when things are going well, but when they get rejected, they lose their shit—the veil gets lifted.
Don’t be this guy. The ability to handle rejection with grace is a crucial component of your integrity as a man, and an integral part of your overall attractiveness.
Here are some general guidelines for handling rejection as an attractive man:

1. Process the emotions. Rejection can be painful, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling let down. When facing rejection, it’s important to not only allow yourself to feel the emotions, but be present and analytical in those feelings without dwelling. Also recognize that some rejections warrant more emotional energy than others.
   If your girlfriend of two years leaves you for another guy, the feelings that come with that situation are more complex than getting ghosted on a dating app. Don’t let minor rejections from strangers discourage you.
   
2. De-stigmatize. This step is essential. Do not put yourself in the frame of mind that rejection is something that happens just to you. When you’re rejected, it can feel like someone else’s opinion are the final judgment of you as a person. This type of thinking is ludicrous. Rejection is a frequent part of life that EVERYONE experiences, no matter what is projected on social media.
   
3. Detach. If you listen to some accounts of the most successful people in history, a common theme is that they were rejected over and over again, yet still persevered. Successful people seek out pleasure rather than focus on avoiding the discomfort (i.e. rejection). Here’s a secret—men who have the most success with women are often the ones who get rejected the most . Men who are wholly detached from rejection are the most powerful; rejection almost becomes a point of self-amusement. Guys who have an ambivalent attitude toward rejection are even able to joke about it with their friends instead of treating as a mark against their self-worth. If you struggle with the ability to move on from even minor rejection, here are some great quotes to keep you motivated:
   

“You have to learn to take rejection not as an indication of personal failing, but as wrong address.” - Ray Bradbury
“Most men with weak grasps of their own truth fantasize about the ability to never be rejected, ever. Not only is this a manifestation of their neediness, it’s unrealistic…” - Mark Manson
Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-attractive-mans-guide-to-rejection

A lot of guys make the critical mental error of believing that a rejection from one woman means all women feel the same way. Her (one woman’s) lack of attraction doesn’t apply to the entire female population. Success in dating is largely (although not entirely) a numbers game. There are a multitude of women who will find you attractive, even if one particular woman doesn’t. Giving up and throwing a fit after one rejection will prevent you from opportunity.
How can you maintain the self-perception of an attractive man with an abundance of opportunity when you collapse due to a single rejection?
Rejecting a man can be absolutely terrifying for a woman; unfortunately, her physical safety is often something she has to consider. Deceptive Nice Guys will often act like Prince Charming when things are going well, but when they get rejected, they lose their shit—the veil gets lifted.
Don’t be this guy. The ability to handle rejection with grace is a crucial component of your integrity as a man, and an integral part of your overall attractiveness.
Here are some general guidelines for handling rejection as an attractive man:

1. Process the emotions. Rejection can be painful, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling let down. When facing rejection, it’s important to not only allow yourself to feel the emotions, but be present and analytical in those feelings without dwelling. Also recognize that some rejections warrant more emotional energy than others.
   If your girlfriend of two years leaves you for another guy, the feelings that come with that situation are more complex than getting ghosted on a dating app. Don’t let minor rejections from strangers discourage you.
   
2. De-stigmatize. This step is essential. Do not put yourself in the frame of mind that rejection is something that happens just to you. When you’re rejected, it can feel like someone else’s opinion are the final judgment of you as a person. This type of thinking is ludicrous. Rejection is a frequent part of life that EVERYONE experiences, no matter what is projected on social media.
   
3. Detach. If you listen to some accounts of the most successful people in history, a common theme is that they were rejected over and over again, yet still persevered. Successful people seek out pleasure rather than focus on avoiding the discomfort (i.e. rejection). Here’s a secret—men who have the most success with women are often the ones who get rejected the most . Men who are wholly detached from rejection are the most powerful; rejection almost becomes a point of self-amusement. Guys who have an ambivalent attitude toward rejection are even able to joke about it with their friends instead of treating as a mark against their self-worth. If you struggle with the ability to move on from even minor rejection, here are some great quotes to keep you motivated:
   

“You have to learn to take rejection not as an indication of personal failing, but as wrong address.” - Ray Bradbury
“Most men with weak grasps of their own truth fantasize about the ability to never be rejected, ever. Not only is this a manifestation of their neediness, it’s unrealistic…” - Mark Manson
Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-attractive-mans-guide-to-rejection

Considerations on Sexual Immorality, Gender Identity, and my friends Non-Denominational Church.
A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement to and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

My fiancé and I have been engaged since 2020. Although it has been 4 years, I still feel like I don't really know him. I don't know much about him at all. There have been times when I asked him about himself and he answers but doesn't ask me the same question back, so I don't ask another question because it starts feeling like an interview since it is just one-sided questions.
Recently, for a month, we started getting along well and would send each other a few texts a day, which I really enjoyed. I would be happy to receive texts from him. I honestly started feeling like I am really beginning to love him and started seeing how our future could be together. However, it started falling off again. He began texting me less, leaving me on delivered for over 24 hours, and reading my texts, which weren't questions, without saying something back. I tried comforting myself, saying it is not like I sent him a question; it is fine he didn’t write a response.
Our last interaction broke me though. He sent me a hello text, and I replied, Hi with a heart. I was on delivered for over 24 hours, and when he did read it, he didn’t respond. I felt really broken from that and almost cried while I was at Target. Like why couldn't he bother writing a "how are you" text. I felt like he doesn't care about me.
Little back story, While I was walking to Target, I saw a guy in a car; his car was parked a few spots down from mine. He stared at me, and I stared back at him. After being in Target for almost 2 hours, I came out, and that car had now moved and was parked in front of my car. I was creeped out and surprised at the same time to see that a stranger had waited 2 hours for me. As I approached my car, he didn't get out of his car or try to approach me; however, I saw that he had put his phone number on his windshield for me to see. At that time, I was very upset and angry with my fiancé, and I wrote down his phone number because I was curious about what made him wait 2 hours for me to come out while my fiancé couldn't bother to write a text.
From the beginning, I was not planning on starting any sort of relationship with the guy from the car, and when I texted him, I made it clear to him that we don't work out. But since then, we have been texting every day as friends, and I enjoy talking with him. We spend hours texting about things and playing games like 20 questions.
Even if I wasn't engaged, I still would not go into a relationship with this guy because of religion and culture. However, having someone like this in my life though, someone that I connected with, had made me realize what I have been missing on with my fiance. My fiance never sends me good morning/good night texts, doesn’t ask about my day, and has not shown any interest in getting to know me. While this stranger is very understanding that I can't ever be with him, yet, he still texts me throughout the day and made it clear that our friendship is very important to him and he doesn’t want to lose me. He has asked me many questions about myself to get to know me, at this point, he knows all my likes/dislikes, hobbies, personality, view on things, etc. My fiance doesn't even know 10% of that info. (It has only been a week since I met that guy).
This guy really likes me and has expressed that he is starting to feel love for me, but he knows that we will never be together. I've made it clear to him that we will just remain friends and it would never go beyond texting. I don't ever plan on meeting him. His company, though, has made me realize that I need someone like him in my life—someone who will value me, wants to know me, and wants to keep talking to me.
Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing by texting this guy is wrong and get sick to my stomach, but while I text him, I feel like I get to connect with someone. I like having someone to discuss things with, to talk about my day, and I like having another human to talk to. I've told him many times that it would not go beyond friendship and texting, and he understands. We both know we will never meet again. Is what I am doing wrong/sin, though? I just like having someone who hears me and cares about me. Our texts never get sexual or flirtatious.
My fiancé has texted me a couple of times, and I have not responded. By now, he knows I am ignoring him. I've thought of telling him everything that I am feeling and maybe giving us another chance to get to know each other. However, I feel if I did that, he would just be doing it because he does not want to lose me. When I tell him something, he always does it. I want him to do things, though, because he wants to. I would like for him, on his own, to want to know me better and ask me questions—not just his usual sweet words texts, flirtatious, and love texts. I want more than just love/sweet words. I think that he thinks that not texting me for a couple of days then sending me a text saying he loves me is enough. However, it is not. I don't just want words.
I've been feeling really lost and not sure what to do. Our engagement was arranged by our parents, so our families are connected. I am not sure of what will happen if I break off the engagement. I don't like hurting anyone. Even though I said yes and agreed to get engaged to him, I feel like a part of me was in denial when it happened. Like, for a while, I couldn't look at my engagement pictures. I don't know why. When I would receive his messages, it would take me a day to reply. I thought maybe it was because I am not used to having a guy in my life. However, I am not sure what to think/feel about anything anymore. I feel very lost, and not knowing what to do is hurting me. I'm usually a quick decision maker and don’t spend days deciding on something. I am feeling pretty lost and sad by all this.
My friendship with that guy I met is what makes me smile these days, but the guilt from the possibility that I'm sinning by texting him makes me feel sick. In my life, I've never talked/texted any other guys besides my fiance.
I would appreciate any thoughts on my situation and what should I do.
Note: My fiancé is from back home, Yemen, and I have not seen him in person since we got engaged (I live in the USA). We are supposed to get married in October.
Note: Getting this out of my chest has been me feel better, and I honesty can just go through with marrying my fiance in order not to disturb things.

It is difficult to find real life RR relationship. Especially not an option if you are already taken. There are various vents and one of them - reading or writing fiction. There were topics about RR in scifi written by prominent authors. But how about you? Do you write or maybe have ideas for fantasy setting or world-building? Please share.
Couple examples from me:
Setting 1. Right man in the wrong time
In XXI century experiments on recording human personalities started, a lot of people were "read" and saved on hard-drives, but there were no technology to create artificial bodies for them. So the personalities of test subjects, volunteers and commerical clients remained stored. In parallel genetic treatment research lead to tech that could exteng lifespan, but unfortunatelly it had side-effects of higher risk of cancer for men. As a result this tech only worked well for women. Because of that a lot of parents started to chose female gender for their kids, as their daughters could live much longer than sons. This shifted gender balance and led to female-dominated society. Which sort rewritten history portraing the past of male-dominance in shades of black and all the men of the past as abusive, power-hungry despots. It was backed by statistical facts such as drop in crime rate with reduction of male population.
Eventually the anti-male campaign receded and some interest and curiocity towards men returned, but there were few men left and they were often too spoiled and not very attractive. So there was a high demand for men in various spheres of, well, entertainment. Besides of lack of supply there was a conflict between romantized image of primal men and fear that their brute force may be too disruptive in a disarned pacifist decadent society. A commercial solution was found - a company manufactured artificial male bodies that were looking hot and attractive, big in all the right places, yet lacked the brute force, were very light and designed to be harmless to women. Even a teenage girl could easily overpower them. They used the stored consciousness of men from XXI century and put these men into new artificial bodies. Bodies were not cheap, so the resurrected men owed a big loan to the company and had to work basically for free to pay off the debt...
Story is about a girl who rented such a guy as a birthday present for herself. She had to return him soon, but they figured out that his knowledge can help her a lot with her studies. Despite some technological advance, few people of her epoch can really understand principles behind the science - they can use it, maybe replicate, but not understand or advance.
So besides a romatic affair they can work together to help her and studies and suddenly a "genius", once she makes a career and earn some money - she can pay off his debt. And until then - rent him from time to time for both pleasure and studies.
-- I liked the story but it is long abandoned --
Setting 2. Purple letter
Every invention can be used for evil. So called Selena transformation was quickly adopted by shady brothels - it allowed to transform women in ideal sex-slaves or walking sex-toys. Very attractive perfect bodies, not aging, able to move and speak, but weak and helpless, easily stored after "work shift" and unable to run away. This was of course against law, but went under radar for a while, a ot of women were converted against their will. Then one of them escaped with the help of a client who smuggled her from a brothel and was eventually killed by thugs. Nevertheless, she managed to get help went to TV. She told her story and that caused a huge impact. Police raided brothels and found thousands of victims... A lot of people went to jail, but public outrage shifted from those who run these illegal dens to those who paid for their services and were silent... This caused a political shift and a lot of blame by association.
Some male politicians, celebritites decided to voluntary undergo Selena transformation. This way they demonstrated solidarity with female victims and scored a lot of points. This was good for career and removed the burden of "male guilt" from them. This made them physically weak and thus not dangerous to women anymore. Also reduced their individual carbon footprint. Last but not least - change made them look more sexy.
Some militant feminists and these male allies gained more political power and pushed mandatory transformation for jailed criminals. Reducing their danger and also reducing costs of prisons. Transformation of men went to industrial scale: it reduced crime and also was "green". Eventually it become mandatory and special comission decided who and when must come to the tf-hospital and be transformed. They sent men so called "Purple letters" - instruction to come up and pass transformation. Job perspectives were sour for remaining "organic" as insurance discounts motivated business to fire organic men and only hire transformed, because they were safer for women.
Also transformed that didn't volunteer require a "guardianship" of a woman. Such as wife, girlfriend or female boss. If there is no such woman - guys are sent to adoption centers that are nicknamed "boyshops".
Plot of the story is about two friends that were transformed and soon adopted by two ladies. Not for "fun", or at least not just for fun. Ladies run a business and required some new employes, they figured that the can just purchase two guys instead of hiring them...
-- This story contains 4 chapters so far but is also on hold, not much readers' interest --
Just wanted to share the settings and hopefully read some RR-fantasy setting ideas you guys have

Part Two: The Solitude of This Fire
Chapter 6
Location: Hust Forge. Hust Henarald's conference room
POV: Kellaras
After making Kellaras wait some days, Hust Henarald finally grants him an audience and says "One day, I will be a child again". These words seem to be nonsense to Kellaras. While waiting for his audience he noticed the Hust Forge never stops working. Henarald goes on to say we all war with two parts of ourselves and both make weapons from anything at hand. Henarald asks Kellaras if Anomander simply wants a sword or to join the Hust Legion. He doesn't think Urusander's Legion would like that very much. Kellaras says he knows the request of a sword is unusual at this time. Henarald responds by saying others will see it as political. Perhaps even a secret allegiance. Kellaras is put off balance by Henarald's pragmatic responses and then shifting into ending each with "One day I will be a child again." Henarald asks for specs and Kellaras says Anomander wants the sword to be silent. Henarald responds by asking if he would prefer a gagged weapon and if Anomander will hide it's origin. Kellaras tells Henarald that Anomander wants his swords spine to be quenched in the purity of Darkness itself. Henarald muses on power and says those with the most power have the greatest fear and that means power is meaningless and delusional. Kellaras counters that the Forulkan would have enslaved the Tiste with their power had they won, but they lost to the power of the Tiste. Henarald responds, "A triumph in solitude makes a hollow sound, and to every glory proclaimed the heavens make no answer".
Kellaras reiterates that his master requests a sword. Henarald responds "To take the blood of Darkness". Kellaras is surprised by this as Mother Dark is not Azathanai. Henarald asks how she feeds her power and if now that Anomander knows the secret of House Hust if he will use it for political gain. Kellaras says his Lord is the ultimate secret keeper. Henarald agrees to forge Anomander's sword, but requires that he be present at the quenching of it by darkness to witness if it is blood Mother Dark uses. Kellaras tells him he won't be able to see anything and leaves the chamber trembling mostly upset by Henarald's repeated assertions that he will return to childhood.
Kellaras goes to the main hall where there is feast taking place. He pushes aside his doubts and is proud that he got Henarald's agreement to make the sword. He searches out Galar Baras and finds him leaning against a pillar staring at a woman that had just entered. Kellaras sees her see Galar Baras and watches her stiffen. The woman is Toras Redone. Kellaras notes that even grimed from hard travel she is beautiful and makes his way to Galar. Galar asks if Henarald spoke to Kellaras of childhood. Kellaras says yes, but does not understand. Kellaras invites Galar to join a table and Galar accepts though he tells him he can't drink. Galar tells the captain that the childhood thing troubles them all. Kellaras asks him to call him by his name and not rank. Galar says that Henarald claims that he is losing his recent memories, but no one can see any evidence of this. Galar tells Kellaras of a sickness called Loss of Iron that afflicts smiths. Kellaras tells Galar that in his meeting Henarald was sharp and focused. No evidence of a crumbling mind. Galar asks if he will tell Anomander of this. Galar says it has no bearing on the creation of the sword and says his master would likely just say returning to childhood isn't a bad idea.
POV: Galar Baras
Kellaras gets drunk and stumbles off and now Galar has to be alone with his thoughts and heartache at the presence of Toras Redone. She was still holding court at one of the tables and after a while she shuffles over to him. She comments on her husband transferring as far away as he could. She tells Galar that he is a pariah in the citadel. That people think him arrogant and dismissive. She knows that's not him, so is puzzled. She says he should have sex with the priestesses. That celibacy is not for soldiers. He should feed his appetites. Galar responds by asking if she is well fed. The barb slides off of her and she says well enough. She says she is certain that her husband stays true to her and that leads her to infidelity. Galar does not understand this. She changes the subject and says she has missed him. She tells him to go to bed, but he knows he won't be alone for long. He compares himself to Toras Redone's husband, Calat Hustain, knowing that both spend their nights alone, "because it was in their nature to choose it: to remain alone in the absence of love"
Location: Neret Sorr
POV: Kadaspala
With Osserc and Hunn Raal gone, Kadaspala is having a more enjoyable time having dinners with Urusander. The painting however was still irritating to him. He doubts anyone will see below the surface of his painting. He is finished and will leave in the morning. "There is but one god, and its name is beauty. There is but one kind of worship, and that is love. There is for us but one world, and we have scarred it beyond recognition". Kadaspala now truly sees Urusander and is terrified. Urusander asks him why he chose to accept this request. Kadaspala says he's denied hundreds, but if anyone can prevent a civil war, it's the man in the portrait. Although his thoughts imply that that may not be the same man standing before him.
Location: House Enes lands
POV: Cryl Durav
On his short self-imposed exile from the wedding preparations, Kryl finds the antlers of a long dead Eckalla. A symbol of triumph. Cryl thinks the triumph is hollow. Hunting for food was once a necessity, but that necessity bred traditions that resulted in the extinction of this animal. Thinking back on his youth he dreamt of discovering a new world free of Tiste where he could become prey and know the thrill of fear. Enesdia was also present in these fantasies. He thinks, "He had been trained for war just as he had been taught how to hunt and how to slay, and these were deemed necessary skills in preparation for adulthood. How sad was that?".
His horse notices some movement and he sees a troop of Tiste riders approaching. This makes no sense as there is no reason for them to come here on there way to somewhere else. Cryl rides to meet them and sees that they lead a score of Jheleck children. There were no chains. The captain of the company asks why Cryl is out this far and Cryl tells him who he is. The captain breaks in and says Cryl is probably fleeing the frenzy of the coming marriage. The captain introduces himself as Scara Bandaris and says there are two reasons for him being here, one trying to figure out what to do with the Jheleck hostages and two to attend the wedding. Cryl agrees to escort them all to house Enes. Scara perceptively guesses that Cryl is out here because he is in love with Enesdia. He says he will say no more on the subject.
There are 25 Jheleck children. Scara says they will raise wolves in these children. Cryl says he's heard they are more like hounds. Scara says hostage taking may come back to bite them. Scara laughs at his own joke and forces a smile onto Cryl's face. Cryl feels a little better.
Location: House Enes
POV: Enesdia
Enesdia is upset that Cryl has been gone for a few days. She searches out her father and overdramatically asks him why they are shirking their responsibility to their hostage. She says, "For all you know he could be lying at the bottom of a well, legs shattered and dying of thirst" Jaen responds "Dying of thirst in a well?" he tells her he sent him on a search for Eckalla. She says that's a hopeless quest. Jaen says Cryl's familiar with those. Enesdia asks what he means. Jaen responds that his time with House Enes is ending. It has only now struck Enesdia that her companion will not be at her side much longer. Enesdia laments the fact that Cryl's family has only one occupation. He will be a soldier like his only living brother, Spinnock. She muses that she could ask Andarist to offer Cryl a commission in the citadel, far away from fighting. Cryl would never know, but he would be safe.
Location: House Drukorlas
POV: Orfantal
Orfantal is standing near the estate road with Wreneck, a stable boy that used to be his friend. They are also standing near an old nag horse. They have been standing for some time. They are being circled by 3 feral dogs that have smelled the food that Orfantal carries. Orfantal wished he knew why Wreneck stopped being his friend, but it seemed impossible to ask now. Orfantal has all of his possessions in a trunk. They are not much. Orfantal thinks he could fit in there too, ready to be discarded. Wreneck is 10, Orfantal is 5. His grandmother is sending him off somewhere to learn how to grow up. He knows there will be a time when unhappiness comes into his life as it does with every boy. A wagon pulls up. It will be his ride to wherever he is going. Wreneck makes sure they know that he is going to the citadel and that he is nobleborn. Wreneck tells Orfantal that the old horse is blind in her left eye, so don't let anything ride on that side of her. Orfantal says goodbye to Wreneck and Wreneck waves dismissively and leaves.
POV: Wreneck
Wreneck turns from some distance to watch them leave with tears running down his face. He resolves himself to return to the "evil hag" and now he doesn't even have Orfantal to make his life easier. Nerys Drukorlat had forbidden him from playing or even speaking to Orfantal. She would fire him if he did. His mother and father and sisters relied on his income. He wished he could have played with Orfantal this entire morning and hugged him goodbye, but he was afraid of the evil hag.
Location: Toras Keep. On the road to the Citadel
POV: Orfantal
The party makes camp and the scarred old man who loaded Orfantal's trunk says that this is likely his horse's last journey. Orfantal is sad to not even know the horses name and wonders what things she has seen in her life. He decided that she had been a warhorse and saved her rider many times, but not from the betrayal that finally killed him. The leader of the troop introduces himself to Orfantal as Haral and tells him not to call him sir. He tells him he guards merchants and that's all. Orfantal asks about bandits. Haral says there are some Deniers. Haral tells Orfantal that he will be sharing Gripp's tent. The man who took care of his horse. He says that Gripp can be trusted and not some of the other men in the party.
Haral says after this he will be joining House Dracon's houseblades. Orfantal asks if he was a soldier once. Haral says few weren't in his generation. Orfantal introduces himself. Haral asks why she named him that. His name is a Yedan dialect. The holy language of the monks, Shake. Narad, one of the guards, says it means unwanted and laughs. Haral tells him to keep his mouth shut on this journey and tells Orfantal his name doesn't mean unwanted, it means unexpected. Narad laughs again and Haral savagely kicks him in the face then punches him. He then walks away from the unconscious guard. Orfantal is trembling and his heart is beating fast. Gripp comes over and calms him down. He says it's discipline and Narad was pushing for weeks. Orfantal now has a face to put to all the faceless betrayers in his war games. Narad. Gripp shows Orfantal how to raise a tent.
Location: Within sight of Dracon's Hold
POV: Ivis
Ivis and Sandalath are riding towards the hold. Ivis tells her that Draconus will be gone for several weeks still. Her body tells him that she probably had a child, but that's none of his business. She is now a hostage at House Dracon's and she will be treated well. Sandalath asks where Draconus comes from. Ivis says even his servants do not know, but he proved his worth in the war. Ivis is upset at the discipline now presented by his houseblades and resolves to fix it. Sandalath is being led to a warm bath and thanks Ivis. He responds, "My pleasure, milady". Hilith the head of the house maids does not like him calling her a lady as she is only hostage now. She lets him know it. Ivis says, "Old woman, you are no queen to so command me. I will choose the honorific our guest deserves. She rode well and without complaint. If you have complaint, await the pleasure of our lord upon his return. In the meantime, spit out that sour grape you so love to suck on, and be dutiful." Hilith says this isn't over. Ivis responds with a command to leave his courtyard and if he hears of her being miserable to the hostage that it will in fact not be over.
Location: Dracon's Hold
POV: Sandalath
Hilith tells Sandalath to come with her to the bath. Sandalath asks if the water is hot. and asks her if there is wood ready just in case. Sandalath challenges Hilith and says she is to treat her as if she was the lady of the house. Hilith bristles but agrees. Sandalath remembers her first stint as a hostage and the horrible hag that made her life miserable until Andarist found out and got rid of her. If Hilith turns out to be the same, she will tell Draconus. A younger maid escorts her to the correct bath, not the one Hilith had prepared for her. Sandalath says if Hilith is her enemy, then Sandalath should have many allies. The maid smiles and says thousands. Sandalath asks the maid about Ivis and if she finds him handsome. She says he is old, but Sandalath doesn't think so. Sandalath tells the maid she feels welcomed by this house and feels born anew.

I love how in ep 2 we see Penelope grow in her confidence, and how much Colin emphasized she was perfect, she just needed to not think about others judging her. (Imagine the love of your life seeing you stumble through flirting and still concluding you're the bee's knees 😭. It was like how unsure Colin felt about himself after what LW wrote and he was worried Penelope's opinion of him might have changed. She validated him and then he had a bounce again. He's such a puppy lol.) Then things went so well in the drawing room (dang can that girl flirt) and when she put it to practice at the ball -- she did it! It didn't even take much. It was just being able to know she had a support person and having Colin talk her through it. She started off a little silly with Lord Brasillio but she still talked to a gentleman in a completely appropriate way!
Lord Remington, though, sealed the deal. He said he would call on her. Her very first male caller! That's such a big deal! She was so proud of herself. And Colin saw how happy it made her, even if he was a little pouty about it lol.
She was able to be her charming self more easily because Colin reminded her she's amazing: "You're Penelope Featherington, do not forget that." She needed to hear that from someone (because who else tells her that?). Eloise was a terrible wingman. Colin is charmed by her too -- he admitted so in the market, when he said to her face, you were so charming when we met. He pretty much said I noticed you and I still haven't forgotten how cute you were. He's sort of been validating her since the end of ep 1 (but obviously there's more in S1 and S2).
Penelope's confidence was building and likely only going to keep improving -- but then Eloise couldn't keep her mouth shut. Personally, I found that the gossip happening right when Penelope is on a high and full of hope very emotionally devastating. And her on her windowsill, quietly listening to her mother's horrible words, and then saying to Colin that I am a stupid, stupid girl. My heart broke for her. I don't know if we've ever really seen her this low in the show except end of S2, but then she had the power of LW. This felt worse.
I also think it's wonderful she managed Debling all on her own. She had her guard down because she'd given up but I was happy she got to see that she really is wonderful and doesn't need to do anything but be herself. (And I liked that Debling told her that too! He's a good guy.)
I think we are going to see a lot more about Penelope's confidence in part 2. She is radiant in the teaser but she doesn't know yet if Colin will still love her or want to be with her if he finds out she's LW. There's many parts of herself she's still ashamed about. We know Colin "My Wife" Bridgerton can't keep his hands off her (yes, he was quick to marry Marina too, but he had no trouble with self-control with Marina, like almost kissing Penelope in a ballroom ffs). I am curious to see what they do with the rest of her journey.

Mentions - Empty Orchestra, Tom & Gerri
Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do) is the song Duane sings in Empty Orchestra - which I just enjoyed rewatching (love this episode, and Javone Prince's performance and dancing is great!)
Anyway, I got the song stuck in my head and really started listening to the lyrics. Then I realized, after learning about Reece and Steve's time on the dole (interview here - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=toH_GNuWgxE) that it was probably a favourite song of theirs during that time.
The time they spent on the dole inspired the play they were writing which included the character Pauline and eventually turned into the Tom & Gerri episode. They were sharing a flat, prior to the production of League of Gentlemen, and they said that it was rather miserable and they spent a lot of time playing board games "...drained of all their life energy." "Can't be bothered to leave the flat," "What's it worth going out for?"
George Michael wrote the song because he was given an ultimatum from his father "get yourself a job or get out of this house." He rapped about "the joys of living every day to the fullest, reveling in unemployment and celebrating government assistance."
So then, I can just imagine, Reece and Steve in their dingy little flat, on the dole, Reece just got back from being told he's dolescum by someone resembling "Pauline," and they're sitting down to play a game of Escape from Colditz. (Has anyone played this by the way!? I imagine Reece as the Security Officer and Steve as the Escape Officer!) Furthermore, in this game there is such a thing as a "Do or Die" card (interestingly named, for someone to be playing this while on the dole). Anyway, after playing their game, I imagine them feeling glum, and then one of them puts on Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do) and they both start ironically singing and dancing to it.
Isn't it wonderful, when you really think about it, how those difficult and "miserable" times led to the masterpieces we cherish today? Their struggles and their perseverance through adversity were not in vain. Instead, these challenging periods gave rise to works of art that continue to inspire and move us.
This realization serves as a poignant reminder that even in the darkest chapters of our lives, there lies an opportunity for growth and transformation. When we find ourselves at a low point, it’s important to remember that the only direction to move is upwards. For creators, these low points are not just obstacles to be overcome but are often the very catalysts that ignite their most profound and impactful works.
So, if you are facing a difficult time, take heart. Embrace the potential for growth and creativity that these moments can offer. Your struggles today could be the seeds of tomorrow's masterpieces.
After all, "You got soul."
Here are the lyrics:
Wham! bam! I am! a man! Job or no job, You can't tell me that I'm not. Do! you! Enjoy what you do? If not, just stop! Don't stay there and rot! You got soul... You got soul... I said get, get, get on down, Said get, get, get, on down. Hey everybody take a look at me, I've got street credibility, I may not have a job, But I have a good time, With the boys that I meet down on the line I said, I - don't - need - you So you don't approve, Well who asked you to? Hey, jerk, you, work This boy's got better things to do Hell, I ain't never gonna work, get down in the dirt, I choose, to cruise. Gonna live my life, sharp as a knife, I've found my groove and I just can't lose. A.1. style from head to toe, Cool cat flash gonna let you know, I'm a soul boy - I'm a dole boy, Take pleasure in leisure, I believe in joy! Wham! bam! I am! a man! Job or no job, You can't tell me that I'm not. Do! you! Enjoy what you do? If not, just stop! Don't stay there and rot! Party nights, and neon lights, We hit the floors, we hit the heights. Dancing shoes, and pretty girls. Boys in leather kiss girls in pearls! Hot-damn! everybody, let's play! So they promised you a good job - no way! One, two, three, rap! C'mon everybody, don't need this crap!
If you're a pub man Or a club man Maybe a jet black guy with a hip hi-fi A white cool cat with a trilby hat Maybe leather and studs is where you're at Make the most of every day Don't let hard times stand in your way Give a wham give a bam but don't give a damn Cos the benefit gang are gonna pay! Now reach up high and touch your soul, The boys from wham! will help you reach that goal. It's gonna break your mama's heart, (so sad) It's gonna break your daddy's heart, (too bad) But you'll throw the dice and take my advice, Because I know that you're smart. Can you dig this thing? Yeah! Are you gonna get down? Yeah! Say wham! Wham! Say bam! Bam! Wham! bam! I am! a man! Job or no job, You can't tell me that I'm not. Do! you! Enjoy what you do? If not, just stop! Don't stay there and rot!