New-Redditor's lounge!

Welcome!
This weekly post is an opportunity for new users to say hello in comments - & please let us how you found yourself here. Regulars here are absolutely encouraged and very welcome to join in too!
Getting started on Reddit is hard. We know it is; We've been there and gone through these same frustrations. Please believe us when we say IT'S NOT PERSONAL. It may well feel like it is, but honestly, it isn't. What it is, however, is a lack of Karma. Karma is an indicator of how much someone has contributed to Reddit in a positive manner. So, let's do just that by getting to know each other!
This is a post to help genuine new users build up quality Karma in a safe environment.
Please do:

• Share some favorites or new finds of yours - youtube videos, music and so on
• Practice small talk - did you have a good week?
• Keep it SFW
• Keep it casual please, no heavy topics
• Check out the news and updates
• Play games in comments - if you'd like to start a game please modmail for approval first, thanks!
• Have fun!

Please don't:

• Spam, advertise, or soft beg
• Share low-effort comments
• Karmafarm/ask for karma/signal karma giving, mention karmafarms by name
• Advertise - no advertising of any kind
• Request or offer DMs (help and chat can be done in community where you can also earn karma. Needing to take things private can indicate soliciting, rule breaking, or harmful advice)
• Talk about community restrictions and karma (there are many many posts about this and you can post your own)

Please refrain from asking questions about "how to do stuff on Reddit".
You need Post Karma, so the ideal opportunity to start is by asking any questions about Redditing in your own new, dedicated Post in this Subreddit (only one post per 72 hours please, but make as many comments or questions in that post as you need). This sub is full of awesome people who are willing to help with specific problems, and we'd like to keep this post for chat. Thank you.
So, let's chat! (Guides at the bottom of this post).
---

News

Community matters

• Thank you to everyone who helps us by reporting.
• Useful links:
  • Wiki page for helpers super and above
  • Recent meta (about this community) posts
  • Recent mod posts Feedback threads
  • Recent new-user friendly sub ads

Reddit news

• Reddit to participate in investor conferences
• New public content policy
• First quarterly earning results, and AMA
• Easier, faster comments on Reddit's apps
• How to tell a message is really from Reddit
• Reddit is working on a web experience. Please direct your feedback to help or this feedback form. Please only use the form for genuine feedback on the new UI. Thank you.

Our traditions and events

Subreddit Sundays - Check out our weekly threads for all your subreddit recommendations and requests. Our latest Subreddit Sunday thread
Cakedays! Remember, we always welcome our alumni back at any time (we love to hear how you're getting on, on Reddit), but especially on their Cakeday!
Helpers - Community members who stay to help out new Redditors can earn 'Helper' flair.
---
Our guidance for new Redditors:

• A few things to always keep in mind
• Our full guide to Reddit
• Our FAQ
• Karma Farming Encyclopaedia entry
• Why Reddit might seem unwelcoming
• LearnToReddit - guides and practice for posting, commenting, flairs, and formatting.

So I've been diagnosed with TRAITS of bpd, npd and aspd i thought i had them full blown but apparently not.
I have this thing where i want to scream at my girlfriend and say the most horrible things ever like tell her that I'm gonna kill myself if she leaves me and that she is a piece of shit for not calling and leaving me on seen (that's the only thing we can do we're in an LDR unfortunately) but i don't do it instead i give myself psychogenic non epileptic seizures by triggering myself enough and end up vomiting from the pain which happened yesterday (again). I love her so much i could kill myself or someone if she asked me to but she treats me like i am worse than shit and i can't take it anymore i will not leave her for anything in the world but that's not the concern here. What i wanna know is what traits are those? I'm hoping maybe i can ask my therapist but we won't be meeting before the 1st of june which is bullshit so i need your help pls tell me what that is that i am dealing with and how the hell do i stop it. I need it to stop before i get sent to the asylum again. Pls help me
Sorry if this sounds desperate but i genuinely am.

Gareth Southgate believes England can adapt to injuries and challenges this summer.
The Three Lions boss explained: "The job is here to adapt to the situations you have and they are the cards you dealt with.
"The consequences you are dealt with. The injuries are a complex thing, they are not one of the things you spoke about, but they could be a lot of those things.
"Some have played a lot of football, some have come back earlier than they could’ve been. A lot of matches in the calendar. It’s too easy to say winter World Cup or this or that.
"There’s players with better injury records than others, training intensities. Everyone wants simple solutions, but it isn’t that."

I feel recently, within the past few months that I am feeling a connection with God. I have spent 99% of my life away from any form of religion or religious practice. My parents were not religious in the slightest, my dad often jokes he would set on fire should he enter a church.. he isn’t that bad! I have on family member who is religious, a staunch Catholic but her religious zeal is really nice to see in a world where religion ( especially Christianity ) is usually mocked.
I do not know what has brought these feelings on and cannot pinpoint the moment it began but I have been thinking about God, Jesus and meaning of our little lives a whole lot recently. Without sounding cliché, it feels like a calling of sorts. As a lover of history, I find myself reading or listening podcasts that involve the Roman Empire, The Eastern Roman Empire and lots of the Middle East. Religion is clearly tied into that so I have some basic understanding of the schism between Rome and Constantinople. Every time I have read or listened to the causes, I have always sided with the Orthodox reasonings. Catholicism just doesn’t make sense to me once you start to know the history of the church and the schisms.
I am UK based and I know that beginning to have religious thoughts is one thing but to then follow the teachings of Orthodoxy here will make me a minority and maybe ostracised by some? Has anyone here UK based felt any negative impact of being Orthodox?
I don’t really know what I am asking here or why but I wanted to post to say, Hi, this is how I’m feeling and I feel that the Orthodox Church is calling to me. I am no saint. I have sinned greatly in my life and I still do in all honesty. I struggle day to day like most people but I feel this calling from a higher power and it is making me want to remove sinful habits from my life.
I apologise for the long post, it really is just rambling!

I answered but didn't put my first acts in any particular order. first thing I did was what most folks do: get with other "defectors" and study with them. However, we then did what a smaller percentage do thereafter: began to read the scripture in earnest. Once we began that, we knew we had to then question everything we had been indoctrinated in. As to be expected, we ended up leaving the group we had been a part of after leaving that bigger camp. What I keep seeing though, is among groups like us, people think when u leave, u have to still stick with whatever you've been taught by that larger group you left. They can't seem to accept...anything else really. It wasn't acceptable when we left, period. Then it was unacceptable when we began reading and came to Galatians 4 and Hebrews 10 and said "okay now we have different beliefs about keeping the law.because of what these scriptures say." Then it wasn't aceptable when we stopped keeping sabbath and wearing fringes (meanwhile they can cheat onto her wives....but it's cool as long as they got beards and fringes). Don't tell em we eat what we want now too. Don't tell em I'm doing research right now on the origin of Yahweh/yahuah/yahawah/ahayah and found that he came from a polytheistic pantheon and he has a story.
But yeah, our family left the black Hebrew Israelite camps/CULT and here are some of the things I changed shortly after leaving up to now (I left in 2020): "Threw away my "uniform" and my granniest clothes, threw away my notes from their "classes," visited red lobster (we had banned foods as well), celebrated birthdays with my family, put on a swimsuit and got I the pool at my local gym, bought something on a Saturday, cooked on a Saturday, got my kids vaccinated, put my kids in school, didn't wait 80 days after having my baby to have sex with my husband, began consuming feminist content...got three tattoos (my first tattoos. I'm in my 30s), and made sort of an exposé on the hateful "camp" I was in. Bought pepperoni pizza and real bacon (folks I knew were too scared and illogical to even try turkey bacon because the word "bacon" was in it). Also began voicing my real opinions, saying no a lot, and just being more assertive.
Oh, I forgot, I too bought lucky charms. I also enjoyed porn, bought an adult toy and went to work. Had my first orgasm too."

I’m obviously not the first person to remark on the fact that almost all of the best representations of queer relationships in media for kids are f/f – Catra/Adora from She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Luz/Amity from The Owl House, Suletta/Miorine from The Witch from Mercury, Ruby/Sapphire from Steven Universe, Marcelline/Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time, and Korra/Asami from The Legend of Korra.
This is not meant as any sort of accusation that girls are “hogging all the representation” or anything like that. We rise by lifting each other, and I’m genuinely thrilled that there’s good representations of queer relationships for kids to look up to. But when I was a sad, desperately closeted boy it would have literally been life-changing for there to be a show or movie that showed other boys who were happy and heroic and in love. I had nothing like that growing up, and it makes me really sad that apparently gay boys today still don’t.
I’m hardly an expert in children’s media, so I thought I’d turn to Reddit and see if anyone else knows of some I haven’t stumbled on. Here are the rules:

• It has to be canon - that is to say, official within the work itself, not merely heavily implied through symbolism or subtext.
  
• It must be obvious within the work; if you’d never know without the author confirming it in a tweet or something it doesn’t count.
  
• It has to be in a work that is meant for kids/teens to watch, even if they’re not the primary audience. Adventure Time had a huge number of adult fans and dealt with heavy topics, but it was still a show meant for kids.
  
• It has to involve at least one main character. Most of the gay male relationships in media for kids are still limited to someone’s parents who only appear in the background a few times, or secondary comedic characters.
  
• It can be either animated or live action, despite all of my examples above being from cartoons.
  

By these standards, the only one examples I can think of off the top of my head are Benson/Troy from Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts and Cyrus/TJ from Andi Mack. Does anyone else know of any more?

Hi there. I'm trying to raise awareness of a campaign kicked off by Ross Scott, better known as the man behind Accursed Farms with production & acting credits under his belt from the likes of Civil Protection and Freeman's Mind.
https://www.stopkillinggames.com/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w70Xc9CStoE (Explanation from Ross Scott)
Without going into things, Ubisoft recently shut down the game servers for 'The Crew', a 2014 racing MMO with a scaled down map of the US. Alongside delisting the game from storefronts, they have revoked it from game accounts where users own the game too, so there is no way to access the game install media anymore.
There are of course other games that have historically been shut down because of the game servers being shuttered. Two that come to mind being Battlefield 2 & 2142, but there are plenty others out there,
Now, this game isn't really anything to sing home about but it's a matter of a principle; people paid for access / license to the game and can no logner access it, and given the company behind it, Ubisoft, is French, it is probably one of the biggest openings for legal retaliation. Ross does a better job of explaining it, but he wants to attack this on all possible fronts: owners of the game filing complaints direct to the French trading/consumer authority, and people writing / petitioning in their own countries. What Ross wants is to stop companies from being able to just decommission games that players have paid for, and ideally force companies to either keep the services running, make provisions so that the games can still be played offline, or provide access / tooling so that player communities can keep the game operational just as is the case with some games today (like the Battlefield 2 Hub / Revive projects that stood up community servers)
In simple terms, if you buy a product, a company shouldn't be able to destroy it / remove your ability to use it. Ross is hoping that if we can get enforcement in at least one or two countries, this will just lead to publishers applying a similar policy globally like we have in the past with companies like Valve, Sony etc allowing refunds.
From a UK standpoint: a petition was raised and is up to 25k signatures at this point, just needs another 75k for it to be 'considered' for debate in parliament:
https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/659071
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVGZe-xXS68 (Ross' response)
The response was a bit lackluster (although it's been disputed) and kinda suggests that whoever wrote it doesn't really understand the subject matter, but Ross has kinda speculated that it opens the door to future discussion / precedent being set. A point being that companies could potentially be forced to set expecctations of when the game will be shut down like an expiration date. It wouldn't be appropriate, for instance, for a company to randomly issue an update that forces a phone to stop working, would it?
I for one will be writing to my MP about it, if for nothing else then because I don't see what this would actually cost the government to consider given it's not denting their pockets directly.
I guess what I'm hoping to get out of this is spreading some awareness, potentially finding some friendly people who might be able to offer a shred of support to this campaign and just speculating whether there is a legal precedent for enforcement to stop this. EG, if I owned a copy of 'The Crew', could I take a complaint to the ombudsman / trading standards if Ubisoft refused to refund the cost / value of the game to me?

Why? Cause "Ha! You still live with yo mama, you ain' got no car, you ain' got no house" so on and so forth which are all valid reasons IF YOU'RE NOT A FEMINIST.
You know who would date/marry someone who works at McDonald's and doesn't have a cahouse? Niggaz would. Niggas don't care, they wouldn't be like "THIS GIRL STILL LIVES WITH HER MAMA, THIS GIRL GOT NO CAR, SHE ONLY MAKES BLAH BLAH A MONTH" MEN DON'T CARE. MILLIONAIRE MEN WOULD PUT A RING ON A WAITRESS HE WOULDN'T CARE OR EVEN THINK ABOUT HER JOB OR EARNINGS.
But the fake Feminists do. Why is that?
Because deep down in her nature she knows the man is supposed to be the breadwinner and the leader of the household so she can't bring herself to be cuffed by a low income no promising future man who can't lead. SHE IS JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO A MAN WHO CAN'T PULL HIS WEIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO GENDER ROLES BEING FAKE? WHAT HAPPENED TO "IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL FOR MEN TO STAY AT HOME AND WOMEN TO MAKE A LIVING"
SHOW ME ONE GOD DAMN FEMINIST WHO EARNS HIGH, WHO MARRIED A GUY WHO WORKS AT WALMART. I CAN SHOW YOU PLENTY OF RICH MEN WHO MARRY LOW INCOME WOMEN.
But nah, as with everything left wing and woke, Feminism too is self contradicting.
AS A MATTER OF FACT FEMINISM ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE REAL ACCORDING TO THE LEFT BECAUSE ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY'RE A WOMAN IS A WOMAN SO THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS INCOME INEQUALITY ANYWAY SO LONG AS HIGH EARNING MEN IDENTIFY AS WOMEN HAHAHAH PROBLEM SOLVED! Anyway that's another topic.

hi! hoping for some advice as have become v anxious about incident earlier today.
i work at an express and was covering a break on tills and a customer trying to drop off a parcel was immediately incredibly hostile to me, especially when i informed her that she needed to use the printer to scan her QR code to drop it off. she got very verbally aggressive about how this wasn’t at all necessary and it could be done at the tills. she then insulted me and asked if someone else could help so i rang the bell and moved myself away to deal with the long queue behind her and a co-worker came over and printed her label and scanned her parcel for her.
while the co-worker was helping she said she was legally blind and i had acted incredibly rudely to her. yet i had not raised my voice and there was no indications that she was blind, either before, nor did she inform me that she needed support. just launched at me. then she explained she would be making a complaint for disability discrimination.
my fiancé says that this sort of thing happens all the time at places she has worked before and no-one cares but can’t afford to lose my job and am quite stressed! especially over the disability aspect. i would never not go out of my way to support a disabled customer and do that every day and help plenty of just normal confused ppl with the evri printer, but i don’t know how i was meant to respond when she was just attacking me verbally from the get go. i feel like i have failed and will get fired but i don’t know how i was meant to do better.
sorry for long essay. thank you for reading and any advice you can give would be much appreciated :)

¡Not fandom! OC.
Salute!
Morally-good-vampire-OC roleplay alert! Cannot lie, I would be ecstatic to finally find a long-term partner, so please look this whole thing over and if you end up interested, be sure to DM me! I am ultra friendly ☻ All in all, I have this vampire character that I would really love to put to use.
Now, I’m quite a bit rough around the edges when it comes to posting ads. But I suppose I should state the main points
▫ I myself am 18, so I’m only looking for the 18-25 age range.
▫ LGBTQ+ friendliness is a must❗ My character is non-binary, and I wouldn’t be comfortable exposing them to bigots.
▫ I’m looking for a Literate to Advanced Literate partner; and by that I mean — depending on context, ‘course — 2-5+ paragraphs per reply in third person, past tense
▫ Throughout a roleplay, I’m not exceptionally active... Life happens! By that I mean being able to give you 1-2 good ripe posts a day on the regular. And if I (who knows) end up burning out and needing a little timeout, I’ll be sure to let you know
▫ Pretty please, for the love of God, do not ghost. If you feel like communicating something or dropping the roleplay, just tell me. I value clear communication.
▫ I lllllove talking OOC and gushing about characters!.. Pinboards, music, references... You know the drill... Yeah. Love it.
▫ Please do not be weird ...
Having gotten the bore out of the way, now, what exactly am I seeking in an RP itself?
· Modern setting
· I enjoy writing emotions and occasional fluff, so if you’re uncomfortable with them touchy-feely things and cringe easily , we’re no match lol!
· Hurt/comfort, Angst, Fluff, Romance and the like make me tick. But I am open to diverse plots, so if you have a plot or even an outline of a plot in mind, be sure to bring it to the table! ᡣ𐭩 I myself admittedly am not the sharpest when it comes to creating solid plots from scratch. Let us work together there.
...So anyways... That’s all, I hope I didn’t sound dry there! If you are interested, please hit me up!
*I RP on Discord.

It all began some months ago, when I reunited with some friends that I used to play with a lot during our childhood, and we took the chance to relive those moments again. Since it was only 3 of us, we didn't feel like always playing 1v1 with one left to watch, and felt like a 3 player duel would have been more fun. We used to do that all the time back then, having even 4+ players at a time because we didn't have that many concerns and our decks were pretty simple anyway, but now, after we all played Master Duel and got a taste of modern play, we had to adapt.
As a general way to handle rulings, we settled on the following:

• none of us can attack during their first turn.
• any effect that says "your opponent" or "the opponent" is treated as you would treat "target opponent" in MTG.
• any effect that says "all [cards of a certain type or not] on the field" or "both players/sides of the field/etc." affects all active players.
• we all collectively agreed not to play cards that interacted with columns or pointed to specific opposing zones, in order to not make the thing overcomplicated when we can avoid it. I'm the only one with Link monsters in his deck, but we settled on having only 1 Extra Monster Zone available at a time, being the left one. This virtually disables V-Links, but we don't care since no one of us can perform it anyway.
• every player can activate quick effects during each other player's turn, making for double the disruption.
• if one player runs out of LP, the duel reverts back to the normal ruleset.

Since our decks aren't that advanced anyway (we are on Traptrix, HERO and Resonators respectively), we are perfectly fine with this ruleset and we can basically play as if it was a Commander game. But if this was applied to a different context, where all cards are playable, it would probably turn into a ruling nightmare.
First of all, we managed to get away by not playing cards that interact with opponent zones, but how would you handle, for example, Relinquished Anima? Would that allow to steal both the opposing monsters in the respective zone? Would Impermanence's column effect apply to all three players? What would Mekk-Knights even do?
Do you think the game would balance itself spontaneously with no further bans? Going third would imply playing through double the normal amount of interruptions, but going first or second would imply playing through double the normal amount of handtraps. I'm honestly really curious about how it would turn out.
Teaming could become a problem, especially if one player has a way to lock an opponent or skip a turn. No one would like to go second and get Calamity locked while the third player sets up a board and the first player OTKs uninterrupted. But if the first player is targeted by the third player, it could end up making the lock less relevant, as the first player would have to defend themselves from the third player's onslaught and the second player can have a chance to recover.
Floodgates will still be powerful, as stuff like Anti-Spell Fragrance and Skill Drain would affect twice the normal amount of players, but maybe stuff like Inspector Boarder could be easier to out, as two players might be on two decks with multiple different summoning methods and thus they could have more effects available. Plus, one more player can mean twice the odds of getting out a Cyclone if someone tries to Fossil Dyna + MMS.
Overall, if a proper set of interactions is established, I think this idea has a chance of working. I couldn't, however, think of all possible instances, so what would you think?

So I've (20M) been anxious and rightfully so because this was quite an usual heated moment between me and another gym bro, please tell me ¹what you think, ²where I could've been better at this interaction and ³what you think I should do if any of this happens again
What happened;
Earlier this afternoon at the gym I wanted to hit a (dips) machine (which I usually don't) and when I got to it I saw a man way over his 30's (prolly middle aged) using it and I indicated him asking (in sign) if he'd like to let me use it while he rests between sets and he replied with "just one set more" so fair, I waited (I hadn't seen the weights yet)
When he was done he just picked his bag and walked off so I tried pushing the weight to see if I'd be able to push this weight for reps which I quickly realized was not possible.
I intended to ask him to return the weights (that's how it's done at our gym the trainer specifically asked me the same at another instance plus it's written all across the gym)
So I called onto him and he couldn't hear me and the trainer indicated him to turn around, when he did I very politely pointed at the weights while saying "I don't need these"
He responded (as if) he didn't understand what I said so I repeated similarly "These are a lot for me"
Again his response was similar to that of "what are you saying" (though he didn't speak yet) so up until here I actually assumed he may have not understood what I was saying since I wasn't speaking English
Switching to English I asked if he spoke English (which he does later), to which he got annoyed and the trainer so to assist me said "he knows" (the native language I spoke earlier)
He finally reciprocated what I was saying and he refused to take the plates used by him and began asking me (in English) "can you not carry them?" to which I replied "I don't want to" in a louder tone and he shouted "Did I bother you?" x3 times
"If you can't carry them don't use them" he yelled (which is so beside the point , quite opposite tbh, meaning that was my whole point) then he walked off and when I put the weights down I said in the native language "are you training for me or what" then the trainer came in between us and made us get back to working out.
What was concerning to me;
I was done working out and went to wash up, 2 mins in I saw him enter the washroom and I intended to ignore him he used the tap next to me and said "So you need to be taught how to talk?" to which I replied "Don't teach me brav" and walked away and he began shouting "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TAUGHT DON'T BEHAVE LIKE THAT" and more stuff then trainer came in and asked me to just leave this, I was trying to explain how I didn't pick it up to begin with and there was a heated moment between the three of us there. I heard him say that I was disrespectful to him; when I asked him to specify he said it was when I said "I don't want to" earlier lmao isn't that what he said as well?

I don’t know if it’s exaggerated more from the media or isn’t as common anymore, but still.
The whole “how did the father feel when he first met his daughter’s boyfriend”, “you better not go near my daughter or else…”, “be careful of your dad’s reaction,” or the father having his shotgun or baseball bat ready to terrorize the guy, is NOT FUNNY, CUTE OR JUSTIFIED anymore!
If she’s in her teens or 20s+, leave her the fuck alone. Controlling her to that degree is intimidation, creepy and unacceptable. Intervene only if the guy treats her like shit or is a criminal. People like that shouldn’t even have kids, let alone daughters. Also, this wouldn’t bother me as much if fathers had that same mindset towards their sons as well, instead of saying “nice! You got laid; I’m proud of you!” I know it was hypocritical of me to say to have the same mindset, but you get the idea…
Honestly, this father scaring away the daughter’s boyfriend thing is incredibly outdated and should be left in the history books. We’re in 2024, for crying out loud, not 1914!
AND for the love of God, don’t give me any of the “because men are stronger than women”!

Part 1
First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and support from the last post. A lot has happened since then, and a bunch of context is needed, so I hope you'll bear with me as I explain the details.
***
Back during the peak of the blinking crisis, I remember having a lot of difficulty sleeping. It was common for me to average only four or five hours a night, and the little sleep I did get was marred by terrible nightmares. One in particular recurred many times.
I was only eight, but somehow I was in the driver's seat of our family's old SUV. My arms were long enough to steady the wheel, but my legs didn't quite meet the pedals. It didn't matter though, since the car seemed content to continue on at a constant pace. I looked over and saw my mom in the passenger seat. Her face was a blurry likeness pieced together from the dozen or so picture's I'd seen of her over the years. I tried to bring her into focus, not only because I missed her dearly, but because she was speaking—pleading, even. She waved frantically at me, then brought her leg up and slammed it down on the floor mat several times. I didn't understand what had her so upset until she pointed out the front windshield, and I saw we were hurdling directly toward a giant tree that had fallen in the middle of the road.
Panicking, I stomped for the brake, but my seatbelt protested and pulled me back like an invigorated dog on a short leash. I sat up and tried clicking it off, but it wouldn't budge. My breaths became hollow cries, and I felt my heart beat against the bars of its bony prison. I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it to the left, then right, attempting to swerve off the road, but it was as if whatever kind of glue was locking up the seatbelt was also fixing the steering wheel in place.
"Mom! what do I do!?" I yelled, tears streaming from my eyes. She was yelling back at me, but it was as if there was a divider between us, and neither of us could hear each other. I turned back just in time to see the giant Oak tree meet the front bumper, and then I jolted awake with a piercing pain in my chest that radiated up through my throat in the form of a giant scream. My little legs kicked under the covers and tears rained down on my pillow until my dad ran in and knelt at my bed.
"Lauren, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?"
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it so my face was covered, then effused a "Mmm-hmm" in a long wheeze while rocking to either side.
"Oh, honey," he soothed and brushed my hair, then the tears from my face when I would allow it.
Time would pass in silence, and when I began to get the sense that my dad was ready to leave, I'd chirp out, "stay" in that way children do when they're embarrassed about wanting something.
"Always," my dad would reply; then he'd post up on the floor with my large tomato plushie as a pillow.
One night in particular, it was deep in the night, and I had woken to a tapping sound outside my window. I was so afraid that a monster had snuck into my room while I wasn't looking that I made him lay next to me and face outward. I'd peek my eyes open every minute or so to check and make sure my dad was there, staking out the room. Eventually, he rolled in close and said something that I still remember to this day.
"Hey, baby, guess what." he whispered.
"Mmm" I mumbled.
"I think you scared the monster away."
I tried to picture this through the fog of my fatigue. Something seemed off about the statement, like it wasn't logically possible, but before I could piece together the words to express that, my dad cut back in.
"It was scared because it realized you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is?"
I shook my head, making sure to rub my forehead against his shoulder so he could sense it in the dark room.
"You're greatest power is that you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them. And there's all kinds of stories. Happy ones. Sad ones. Scary ones. Tell me, this monster you think snuck in, would you say he's part of a scary story?"
"I don't know," I said, confused. "Maybe"
"Hmm," he hummed, contemplating. "Well, I want you to remember this. You have the ability to tell any kind of story you want. Maybe there are monsters, but that means there's heroes and angels, too, right?"
I was beginning to doze off to the comforting sound of my dad's deep voice, but I gave another affirmative "Mm-hmm".
"So, if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story. A story that will bring you peace. Do you understand?"
But I was already out.
***
I woke up the next morning to the feeling that someone was in the hotel room with me. The drapes were drawn and the only sound was the AC unit blowing cold air, but when I looked toward the dark corner of the empty coat rack, my mind conjured the face of my dad, smiling at me, chanting that same, awful line—Oh, Lauren… you know who we are.
I was no longer a child, but it took a couple minutes of cold focus before I muscled the courage to ascend from the safety of my covers and flick on the lamp light. The small amber radius extended to where my dad's feet would have been if he was standing there. But there was no one. I let out a sigh and collapsed back onto the mattress, thinking back on all those years growing up. The same man who had helped me conquer my fear of the dark was now the monster hiding in its shadow.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the clock read 10:15. My meeting with Trent was in three hours. I moaned and stretched my arms back until they knocked against the headboard, then I collapsed back onto the mattress, meditating, gathering energy like a compressed spring. All at once, I jumped up and glided over to the drapes, opening them in a single, fluid motion. I grimaced at the sunlight, but the warmth felt good against my face. I stopped by the nightstand and gulped down the final few swigs of a bottle of Mello Yello that I had purchased from a vending machine the previous night, then undressed and hopped in the shower.
The warm water wasn't enough to wash away the previous night's memories. When I closed my eyes to lather my hair, I was back in my living room, standing opposite the demon that had taken on my dad's form. His smile. His laugh. It was like someone in my head was flipping a switch between the man I loved growing up and a terrible monster. But the fear was more powerful. I heard something drop onto the tile floor on the other side of the curtain. The noise made me gasp, and I opened my eyes while shampoo was still streaming down my face. I swiped the shampoo out of my now burning eyes and squinted at the curtain, trying to see through it, but I couldn't make anything out. "I-is anyone," I started, trembling, afraid to finish the sentence. I reached out and pinched the end of the curtain. My heart was in overdrive. I swallowed, then pulled it toward me and peeked out. I scanned the room, but I couldn't see anything out of place.
It wasn't until after I finished showering and wound myself up in one of the hotel's too-small towels that I saw what had made the noise. I bent down and picked up the stub of a razor blade that had fallen onto the tile right next to the puffy, gray shower rug. It wasn't mine, and I was pretty sure hotels didn't keep unguarded razor blades just laying around. When I held it up, it occurred to me that if it had simply fallen a few inches to the left, it would have been buried in the rug, and perhaps I would have stepped on it. I stared at myself in its steely reflection. Cold. Lonely. Small. What if I—was all I was able to think before the blade blinked out of my hand.
I threw on some clothes, packed up the few belongings I had into my purse, then checked out of my room. I didn't feel safe going back home after what happened, but I also didn't want to go anywhere else. I got in my car and drove aimlessly up and down the town's streets, focusing only on the car ahead of me. Anytime I started to travel down an avenue of thought, I'd make a turn, or speed up, or hit the brakes: anything to keep my mind distracted. It was sweltering outside, but I'd turn the heat on for minutes at a time until I felt drenched, then toggle max AC until I was cool, then back to heat. I repeated the basic driving tenet "10 and 2", "10 and 2", "10 and 2" like a mantra—a chant to focus my attention on a single point, and then I pictured that point disappearing. I began to think that maybe I wanted to disappear.
I fully intended to keep going that way until 1:00, but after about thirty minutes, my meandering route had led me to St. Mark's Catholic Church, where a large group of people were gathered around a long line of tables in front of the building. I slowed down. At the front of the venue was a large, white cardboard sign which read, "Plant a Seed, Share the Joy". I wasn't sure what that meant, but my boredom had come to a head, and I rationalized that if there's any place on God's green earth that would be safe, it was this one. I parked along the closest side-street, then walked over to the church.
Rows of white tables were covered with cardboard boxes filled with small plants that were wrapped up in individual paper pots. I watched from a distance as people behind the tables carefully removed the plants, one by one, and offered them to passersby. I continued down the line, a sheep in the herd, and allowed myself to sink into childhood memories. I had somehow made it out the other end near the Narthex when I heard a woman's voice call to me.
"Hey, deary, have you gotten one yet?"
I turned and saw a small, gray-haired lady with rose-colored glasses. "Oh, no," I started, attempting to decline, then paused. The old lady grabbed one of the plants and held it out for me.
"Here," she said. "Come on, I won't bite."
As far as you know, I thought, and stumbled forward with a sigh. "Thanks," I said and took the plant. "What is this all for, anyway?"
"It's a giveaway," the old woman responded. "Staff have been growing these plants—tomatoes and garlic, mainly—so they could offer them to members of the Parish. The idea is to have the members grow the produce, then donate it to St. Mark's Food Pantry to give to those in need."
"Oh, that's actually pretty cool." I replied and inspected my plant which was at present nothing more than a small green stem. "So which kind is this one?"
"That one is—" the old lady stopped and inspected the other plants near where she had grabbed mine—"tomato."
"Tomato," I repeated. "Well, thanks again."
"Of course, dear." the old lady beamed. "We're all responsible for each other."
I nodded, then continued back through the crowd toward my car when, through the large vestibule windows, I saw a Priest speaking to a young couple. It had been a little over a decade since I had attended a service (I stopped going during High School when I started studying other religions), and I didn't recognize this Priest. He was short (just over five feet tall), bald, and African American. He wore the customary black robe and white collar, and there was something in his smile and the way seemed to be affirming the couple that made me yearn to speak with him. I considered for a moment, a bit embarrassed to be stepping back into church after all this time, but the thought of being able to burn ten minutes talking with someone who might have some insight into my situation was too tempting to pass up.
I waited near a portrait of Mary Magdalene, my tomato plant in hand, staring off at the pristine series of stained glass images portraying the death and resurrection of Jesus. About a minute in, the Priest met my eyes; he smiled, his way of telling me he knew I was waiting, then finished up with the couple and made his way over. He had a bit of an accent when he spoke—it was Ugandan, from best I could tell—and a proclivity for laughing at the end of his sentences.
"Hello, Miss, I don't believe I've had the privilege," he said and held out his hand. He leaned in as he spoke, and his smile tugged on the corners of his eyes which were already marked with use.
I shook his hand and returned what I'm sure was a weak smile. "No, I don't think so. My name's Lauren. I used to come here when I was little. It's—been a while."
"Well, I see you picked a good day to visit. If you're into gardening, that is." He remarked with a laugh and gestured toward the plant. "It's nice to meet you, Lauren. My name's Martin—Father Martin, if you prefer."
"Father Martin," I repeated, "I have a friend named Martin. It's a good name."
He laughed and said, "Thank you, I'll pass that one along to my mother. She loves the praise."
I laughed back. He carried himself in such a carefree way that I was put immediately at ease. Almost to the point where I forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. "Um," I started, attempting to word my question in a way that didn't sound like I needed psychiatric help. "I have a couple of religious questions for you, if you have time."
"That's what I'm for. Ask away."
"They're about… miracles. Like the ones in the Bible. I was wondering, do you think that miracles still happen today?"
"Miracles, huh," he started. "You mean like water into wine?"
"Kind of, yeah,"
"Hmm…" he contemplated. "Well, I haven't seen them, myself. You know, I may be a Priest, but I also have a degree in Physics. I think God made the world according to laws, right? But I do think God has the power to intervene. Yes. I just have never seen it… like … you know, the biblical type of miracles. To me, there are miracles happening all around us—miracles we can't see."
"Exactly," I responded, thinking about how no one else could see the blinks, "those kinds of miracles. What are those miracles we can't see?"
One of Father Martin's eyebrows raised and he rubbed his chin. "Well, I think the greatest miracle is the miracle of God's love which was perfected in Christ and offered to each of us. It's his power to heal even the most troubled mind. By coming into alignment with God's will for us, we can see the true purpose of this existence."
No, he's not getting it, I thought. I scrambled to my other entry-point. "What about the story of Job? God made a bet with the Devil that Job would stay faithful to him no matter what the Devil did to him. Do you think that kind of situation is possible?"
Father Martin's expression drooped into a concerned frown. "There's quite the difference between miracles and the story of Job. I suppose I see what you're getting at, though. Job's suffering is in some ways the antithesis to positive miracles. In this life, we are tested, sometimes to the point of losing everything, but even that person who has more reason to hate God than anyone else can once again find peace and eternal happiness through faith. In fact, it's often the person who is lowest in the pit of suffering that needs the Light of Christ more than anyone else."
I thought back on the first night that I prayed. It was in my moment of greatest helplessness that I reached out to God, and I thought I had found my answer in Him. But now, after what happened last night, after all these years of chaos—not merely losing things that were important to me, but my very sanity—I needed more than just blind faith. I couldn't just sit idly by and hope things would get better. I smiled at the Priest and said, "Thank you, Father, this has been very insightful."
"Of course, sister. I'm sorry if I couldn't have been of more help."
"No, I think I understand now. I've been… wrestling with something, and I think God wants me to confront it. I think I've been running away and hiding from it for so long that I'd convinced myself it disappeared."
Father Martin nodded in understanding. "Well, in that case, will you let me leave you with a prayer?"
I was a bit taken off guard by the request, but I accepted. "Sure, Father."
I watched as he made the sign of the cross, then he lifted his hands and closed his eyes. "Dear God, I am so happy to have had the privilege of meeting with Lauren today, especially on a day such as this where we are offering gifts for those who need them. You have heard her desire to confront the things that are troubling her. I ask that you bless her with strength and peace and a clear conscience, that she may overcome these challenges. God, bless us with your spirit, that we may see your hand in our lives. Amen."
"Amen," I said.
As I was leaving, Father Martin called out to me and said, "Oh, just so you know, this Friday at 7 we are having a barbecue at the Parish Center. I would love to see you there, if you're able and wanting."
Turning back, I smiled and said, "Oh, ok, thanks Father. I'll think about it."
The priest nodded, and with a smile, he sent me off.
***
I walked into the Deli at 1:00 on the dot. The customers who had arrived for the lunch rush were already cleaning up their trash and heading out. I dodged past a few of them on my way down the long, narrow path leading to the front counter. While I waited behind a couple of elderly folk who were picking which soup they wanted to pair with their Ultimate Grilled Cheese, I looked around for Trent. He hadn't sent me a picture or any way of contacting him throughout the day, so I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd see some man half-hidden behind a newspaper, scouting me out. Maybe I watch too many movies, I thought.
"Ahem, ma'am. You're up." croaked the teenager behind the register.
"Oh, right, sorry" I replied and stepped up to the counter. "Uhh," I muttered, scanning the menu for something that looked edible. "Could I just get…" I made sure to mouth every syllable as they were words of their own.
"We have a deal—the try two combo. Sandwich and a soup for $9.99." the cashier repeated for what was probably the fiftieth time that day.
"Yes, that sounds good. I'll do the Italian sandwich and potato soup. And a drink, please."
After I paid for the food, I wandered around the tables, hoping to find someone who looked like a Trent. I was picturing a short guy, runner's build, with long brown hair, tucked somewhere neatly away in the corner. So I was not prepared when the Hulk's stunt double growled my name from a table smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. He had a pale, square face that was spotted with freckles and a sinking property that comes with the lethal combination of stress and age. His hair was relatively short. Probably it was brown or auburn, but since it was slicked back, it looked almost black. And he wore what looked like janitor coveralls. There was even a cloth tag pinned to his chest which read, "Trent".
"Lauren?" He repeated.
"Yes, that's me." I said and took a seat across from him. I saw a brown tray on the table in front of him, and on the tray was a large, white soup bowl. It was empty and beginning to crust along the edges. He must have been here for some time already. "I didn't know where you'd be, so I was worried we might miss each other. I'm glad you found me though." I said while looking over Trent more thoroughly. His large hands were stretched out in front of him on the table. He wasn't wearing a ring, so he probably wasn't married. And his face, it was stern. He seemed like a no-bullshit kind of guy. Then I saw his eyes. They were sapphire blue—probably the most stunning I'd ever seen.
"We only spoke on the internet, so I hope you don't mind, but I usually run a preliminary test on anyone I meet who claims to have abilities such as yours." Trent said while reaching into his pocket and removing a device that had the size and shape of an electric razor. "All you have to do is look into it. It takes maybe five seconds. Ten at most."
"Oh, um, sure," I said reluctantly. "Do I just—" I asked while reaching for the device.
Trent clicked a button and released the cylindrical head which opened, revealing a glass circle about the size of an iris. "I'll hold it, just look into the center. A red cross should appear, then it'll take the picture."
"Okay…" I replied and did as he instructed, leaning my head forward to look into the device. Sure enough, a red cross appeared. "Is it…" was all I got out before the light turned blue and I saw a gray fog disperse and billow throughout the inside of the tube, extending for what I perceived to be miles. My jaw went slack and I couldn't breathe for maybe five seconds. Then Trent reshuttered the device and turned it over.
"Damn, 72." He said with a hint of shock. "That's the highest I've scanned to date." He looked back at me, more relaxed now, and muttered to himself. "How have you been able to function for this long? At this level, you should basically be half in, half out."
I rubbed my forehead, feeling a mixture of pain and frustration and fatigue and impatience which all poured out at once. "Listen, Trent," I said as sternly as I could, "I came here because you said you knew what was wrong with me and that you could help me. I get you have to make sure I am who I said I am, but now it's your turn to pay up. How do I know you know anything about my condition? You said my mom might still be alive. What does that even mean? I saw her die right in front of me. I want answers."
I waited for Trent to respond, but he only lifted his head. I turned around and saw a girl holding a tray of food.
"Um, hi, sorry to interrupt. I have an order 36 for Lauren."
"Oh, yes, thank you." I said. The worker placed the tray down on the table in front of me, and when I saw the food, I suddenly realized how hungry I was. Trent must have also realized this, because he folded his arms and said, "go ahead and eat. I'll explain while you do."
I wanted to protest, but my salivating mouth made other plans. "Fine," I said. I grabbed the metal spoon off the tray and started on the soup, bracing against the steaming heat of the potato chunks.
As I ate, Trent moved all of the items on his tray off to the side, then he flipped the tray over so it was raised slightly off the table. He took his cup and placed it face down in the center, then he rolled up a few of his used, blue mayonnaise packets and charted a track across the tray.
"What are you doing?" I croaked out between bites.
Trent ignored me and continued by ripping up a napkin into strips and placing them alongside the mayonnaise packets. Finally, he snapped ten toothpicks in half and stuck them in the tomb of a dozen overlayed napkins. "It's your diorama," he said at last.
"It's my what?"
"From the story you sent me. Your diorama. When I read about it, it gave me a good idea of how to explain the 'blinking'."
I pointed at the cup in the center. "Is that supposed to be a pyramid? Because I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong geometric neighborhood with that one."
"It's an analogy," he said.
"Of an analogy," I quipped back.
"Look," he picked out one of the toothpicks and held it out in front of me. "This could be a person, an animal, a crowbar—whatever you want. The point is, this diorama is a stand in for our universe. This is everything that exists, that we can see. Okay?"
"Okay,"
"Now, me," Trent placed a hand over his heart. "I'm not in the diorama. I don't exist in the universe."
"In the universe where a cup is a pyramid, or the actual universe?" I said, unable to control myself.
Trent grimaced.
"Sorry, keep going. I get it."
"Things pop into," Trent threw the toothpick back onto the tray, "or out of," he picked the toothpick back up, "our universe at will, based on forces," he patted his chest again, "that exist in other realms" he gestured to the room, "that are connected to our universe," he tapped two fingers against the tray. "These things could be objects, like, say, a toothpick, or entities, like the one you encountered yesterday. The blinking experience that you described aligns with the typical experience of a moderate Antenna. That's what I call people like us—Antennas; because we can pick up on signals others can't."
"We—you mean you see the blinking, too?"
"Yes, but not to the same extent as you. If all the blinks are gathered in a giant picture that you can see, I'm traversing the image through binoculars, maybe even a microscope, depending on where we are."
I thought about this. I guess it was possible there were other people like me out there, but since I had never met anyone, I didn't really consider the idea until now. And then for him to say my ability was somehow much stronger than his… "But," I started, "I haven't even seen that many blinks since I was a child. It's just more focused and malicious now."
"Yeah," Trent scratched his head, "that's the thing that got me really interested in you. Somehow you seem to be able to control it without gear, just by praying. And, look, that's all well and good, but I don't want to give you the false impression that I'm some kind of religious leader. I like to look for logical, scientific explanations for things. So that's the frame I'm coming at this from."
I took a sip from my drink. "That's fine," I said, "the truth is that's why I reached out to you in the first place. I wanted an explanation I could understand. An explanation that was directly related to what I'm going through."
"Then we should get along just fine."
I was scooping out the last potato that was stubbornly gliding along the bottom of the bowl when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the old man from the line shooting up from his bench and standing in army-erect form. I felt a tingling sensation tickle the back of my neck. I didn't want to turn toward him. I knew what I'd see if I did. "Trent," I whispered, trying to tip him off.
"Huh?" he grunted. Then when he saw my expression, he snuck his right hand under the table and said, "Do you see it? Is it here?"
I cocked my head to the left, signaling toward the old man that was now facing us, but Trent didn't seem to notice him: his eyes just kept scanning the entire front of the restaurant. Then I saw the old man take a step in our direction.
"Lauuurennnn, oh Lauuuurennnn, I've been looking for you, Laurenn." The old man said in a low, gravelly voice that gave the impression he was gurgling liquid tar. I turned and saw his face. It was cold and expressionless, and a butter knife was poking out of his left fist. When I met his eyes, he smiled that horrible smile."You're a slippery bitch, you know that?" He spat. "Why can't you just stay put? Don't you get tired of running from your old friend? Or have you forgotten about me?"
"Trent," I mumbled out. "Right there."
"And this guy. You think he can help you? He's only here to help himself. If that's not clear, you really are a lost little lamb."
"Quick, give me your hand," Trent instructed.
I was silent, my eyes still pinned to the old man.
"Tsk-tsk-tsk," the demon possessed senior wagged his finger at me, taking a step, then another step, shortening the distance as much as he could while I was entranced. Then, suddenly, he sprinted forward at a speed that shouldn't have been possible for a man his age.
"Trent!" I screamed.
"Lauren, give me your hand!"
I spun around and grabbed Tren'ts outstretched arm just as the old man lifted the butter knife over his head like a pickaxe. Then I saw Trent pull out what looked like a toy gun from under the table and point it at the demon.
"Got you," Trent remarked. I braced for a gunshot, but there was no noise. After a couple seconds, I looked back and saw the old man sitting in the booth opposite his wife, his hand tremoring as he reached for his large drink.
"What did you?" I asked, but Trent was already pulling me out of my seat. "Come on, we have to go," he said, "the effect is temporary, he'll be—"
Before he could get out the last word, I saw the cup-pyramid on Trent's tray blink out of existence. The sound of a plate shattering rang out from a table up ahead. The lone woman standing there slowly turned around, smiling, with a fork in one hand and a piece of the broken plate in the other. Trent shot her with the toy gun as we ran past and then barreled through the front door.
"Where—are we going?" I asked between gasps.
"My van. It's loaded with kit."
"And then where?"
"Your house" replied Trent who stashed his gun back in his pocket and took out a key fob.
"My house? But that's where he—it appeared."
"Yeah, and that's where you banished it."
Trent waved me into the passenger seat of his RAM 3500 Promaster. I noticed right away the dash which looked more like it belonged in a new limited-edition EV than a cargo van. The ignition kicked on automatically, and I heard the beep of a sonar ping precede an English woman's voice calling out like some auxed-in GPS saying, "scanning for anomalies". Trent shifted the van into gear, and I heard the wheels sputter as we accelerated backward and whipped out of the small parking lot.
"What's your address?" Trent asked. I gave it to him, and then speaking to his dash, he said, "Car, take us to ****."
"Redirecting to ****," replied the British woman. "Currently detecting 31 novel emergences. Updating pings every 300 milliseconds. Chance of contact: 0.23%"
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"The van has sensor equipment which can detect blinks. It's much more accurate than either of us."
"And it sees 31?"
"Yes, that's not as many as it sounds." Trent said and tore past a car that blinked out of existence right as we turned onto the main street.
We drove on for another couple minutes, the Englishwoman updating the number of novel emergences every ten seconds or so. Her constant babbling eventually became a comforting background noise, and I was able to think again.
"In the message you sent me, you said my mom may still be alive." I looked at Trent to see if he would react to me bringing her up, but he remained stolid. "What did you mean by that?"
Trent thumbed his steering wheel. "I shouldn't have sent that." He said at last.
"Shouldn't have… What do you mean? You can't just say that now."
Trent took one hand off the wheel and turned toward me. "Look, we're going back to your house because we need to determine your origin point. All Antennas have them. It's a place of high energy where many realms intersect, kind of like a station, and it's the place where you first acquired your abilities. Based on everything you wrote, I'm guessing that place is where the forest where the accident happened when you were a young child. But I need to confirm it. Once I confirm that that's the place…" Trent hesitated.
"Then… what? You want us to go back there? To the place where my mom died, or at least where I think she died until you told me she might be alive but are now taking it back? That place?"
"It's the only way to—"
"Now detecting novel agent," the Englishwoman interrupted. We both perked up as she gave another update. "Net anomalies: 437. Novel Agents: 1. Chance of contact: 78%."
"Shit," Trent muttered. "Car, course correct."
"Attempting course correct to avoid collision. Attempts made: 10, 50, 75, 79… No alternate route detected. Chance of contact: 96%."
"Time until contact?"
"Time until contact: 13 seconds."
I shuddered. Looking out the front windshield, I saw cars pop out of existence left and right, opening up a clear path to the four way intersection ahead. In a blink, the streetlights all turned green, and then they vanished completely. It was as if the entire world was being stripped down bare, and all that remained was the road, boxed in by the rows of buildings along either side. In the distance I could see a large tanker barreling toward us.
"Trent,"
"I know," he replied and clicked a different button on the console which opened a new toggle for the shifter labeled "TD". He pushed the stick forward, engaging the new mode, then pressed the accelerator all the way to the ground. "You're going to want to hold on."
"What are you doing!?" I yelled, grabbing onto my seatbelt.
"No time to explain. Car, release phase lock."
"Phase lock released."
I watched in horror as the color drained from the road and buildings and sky, transforming it all into a dim tunnel, with only the headlights of the oncoming semi-truck visible up ahead. I had the sudden thought that this was all a dream, just like the ones from my childhood. I looked over and no longer saw Trent, but my mother. And then I realized this wasn't a dream. This was hell. I was being forced to relive the worst moment of my life, over and over again. Just when I thought I had escaped, I was pulled right back into that car, helpless as we approached but never arrived at our impending fate. I closed my eyes right as the lights engulfed the windshield and braced for the usual pain in my chest, for the feeling of breaking.
But it didn't come.
"Shift" was the last word out of Trent's mouth, and then I was infused with the sensation of being at the pinnacle of a roller coaster. I was suspended there for what felt like hours, but somehow I knew that not even a second had passed. Everything inside the van: the dashboard, windows, ceiling, doors, even Trent himself began to radiate enigmatic particles. They were a mass of constant motion, like raindrops falling through the air but never landing. I looked down at my hand, but it was gone. Diffused into an unknowable number of untraceable particles. The world outside, once devoid of color, was now nothing but color. When I tried to focus on a particular spot in the infinite geometric folds of whatever realm we were traversing through, I could sometimes detect a trace of our world.
The old lady from the church. She appeared as if through a window, standing behind a table, holding out a plant. Only this image was so much brighter. And the plant she was holding was pure gold. Then I'd catch a glimpse of the razor blade. It was large, many hundreds of times larger than the van, and surrounded by darkness. These ghostly images appeared like holograms or reflections that caught the light at just the right angle, then dissipated.
I stayed there, looping between the archetypes of my life for a long, long time.
***
I knew we were returning when I felt the first sense of motion. Breath filled my lungs for the first time in what felt like a day. I blinked. And then we were back in town, driving down the same road with the blue sky above. People were jogging on the sidewalk past the little street shops. The streetlights were active. I checked the side mirror and saw the tanker had just passed by.
I looked over at Trent, who met my eyes. We shared a look of knowing, and unknowing. For some reason, that was enough, and we continued on in silence.
***
We agreed to stay the night at my house.
Trent had parked a couple blocks away in front of a couple vacant houses so as not to arouse suspicion from the neighbors. Then he lugged a large duffel bag with his equipment in and set it up in the living room. He scanned the scrapbook which contained the newspaper clippings from the accident several times and confirmed that was likely my 'origin point'. I simply nodded and then went back out onto the back porch. I sat there for hours, basking in the sun. Something had changed in the past day, but I couldn't pick out what it was. Too much had happened. I had too little time to process any of it.
When the sun set, I went inside and Trent told me about his plans for the next couple days. He said he needed to run a few errands in the morning, then meet up with a couple of his associates. After that, we could begin our drive to Southern Illinois. He said it was likely that the entity that was chasing me had first tied itself to me during my childhood accident. For whatever reason, we came into contact, and now it didn't want to leave. Trent would help me get rid of it. He didn't go into many details regarding how that was to happen, but I don't think in my tired state I would have been able to understand much anyway. He had a plan, and that was enough for me. At least for a while.
After our meeting, I made sure Trent had enough pillows and blankets like a proper host, then I retired to my room. I laid down on my twin bed and stared up at the cream-colored ceiling. Then I turned and saw the participation awards for my junior soccer league stashed on my dresser. I pictured myself on the field, running with the ball, out ahead of everyone except the goalie. I took a shot, but it was blocked. Then I ran back to defend. How can such a simple game be so much fun? Was the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep.
I woke up only once during the night. It was still dark out. The room was warm despite the small, flower petal fan churning away, shifting the hot, humid air from one pocket of the room to the next. I waited in apprehension, sensing that something had disturbed me. I saw the tomato plushie peeking out at me from the slightly ajar closet door where I had stashed it so many years ago. I felt like I was missing something. Something important.
And then I heard it.
There was a tapping at my window.

I've been wondering what everyone thinks the hardest cup is, and while there isn't many that are too bad, I would have to say the hardest ones for me are Mario Kart Wii's 150CC Special Cup and SNES 150CC Special Cup. If I had to choose between the hardest time I had with one of them, it would be Wii because of Bowser's Castle. Just so many things to avoid at once, I was terrified of that section with the Bowser robot thing, not because I was scared of getting hit by it, but because of the half-pipes. There was a 90%% chance I would fall into the lava, and it was so painful having to start over and over and over again. Surprisingly though, although Rainbow Road was really hard too, I actually did pretty good most of the race, stayed in 1st, and despite the fact that I fell off, I couldn't be bothered to restart so I just went 'screw it', continued the race and when I was finally done, I got a gold trophy and two stars. SNES Special Cup was pretty hard for me too, specifically with Donut Plains 3 and Rainbow Road. I mean, with Donut Plains 3, you literally have to do tiny jumps to pray you don't fall into water, while the CPUs have no issue going over the broken bridge. And Rainbow Road has no barriers whatsoever so you're almost always going to fall off. Anyway, those are the two cups which I think are the hardest! What are your opinions on the hardest cup?

I sidelined my protector for a long time because I'm essentially afraid of him taking over. I was in the military and I retooled that part of me when I became less of an individual, and more of a cog in a machine. I didn't belong there by any stretch because I was already severely traumatized. My family coerced me into the military and said it would "fix me".
For all his flaws my protector is a decent man, and he was there for me, and the people around me. That part of me has a complex about bullies. That part of me protected me and my comrads from bullies. That's the guy that would put himself in harms way out of love for the people next to him.
I'm not in the military anymore. I don't need to put a bully in their place because I see where these actions affect not only the people but the mission. That urgency was justified then. That heightened use of my protector was justified and I got used to him taking over.
He's a big part of me, and the good things that I can be capable of. I love him. I wouldn't be here without him. I need him. I feel like he understands that my true self needs to take the reigns, with some compassionate back up, and if needed take over, but that ultimately he needs to stand down.
His role now is as a kind mentor who let's me live my life while me giving me compassionate advice, and acting as a safety net. To my protector: I see you. I love you. I'm sorry. Let's get back on track, buddy. We need each other.
Thanks for reading.

Ive 38F been married to my husband Rob 52M for 4 years now. My husband's late wife died 1 year before we met and we dated for 2 years before marriage. He has 2 kids 28-Madison and 26-Brett. Note I am not calling them my stepkids because they explicitly told me I am not their stepmom, just their dad's wife. I didnt play a part in raising them so Im ok with that. Its always been a tense between us, Ive tried my best to be kind to them and have been generous when I can be, but they are very cold with me. Being a child of divorce, I can partially relate to a parent moving on so I try not to force anything.
Madison recently got engaged and we are excited about it. Everyone was over recently and she asked about a wedding budget from us and Rob told her he was able to contribute 10k. She has bigger hopes for her wedding than this so she was upset and kept asking for more. Rob however is still working hard on building his savings back up. Before his late wife died, he basically wiped out his cash savings, had to cash out his 401k, and even took a small mortgage on his house to cover medical costs as well as life expenses since he had to cut back on working. Eventually he had to drop that job for a more flexible but lower paying one, so this 10k is actually really generous from him.
Rob went to run an errand and it was just me and his kids. Madison then asked me if Im going to give any in addition to what her dad is giving. I told her were a marital unit and thats what we discussed together as a reasonable amount to contribute. She then said "I should have known, obviously you married an older man for what he had, not for what you could give". I knew she didnt like me but this is the most flat out rude thing she ever said. I kinda lost it and said "excuse me, who do you think has been paying the second mortgage your dad took out to pay his debts?"
Truth of the matter is I make more than her father by a large margin, I have no debt, and have been paying 70% of the household bills the whole time we've been married. The 10k were giving her, is available because Ive been able to subsidize her father's living expenses the last few years. I made it clear that not only am I not a golddigger, Im literally wealthier than my "older husband". She called me stuck up after this and stormed out. Then she called her dad later and said that I told her that I blamed her mother for being sick for her not having a better wedding budget. I told him what happened and he was mad at her but also said I shouldnt have shared his financial details with his kids.

Me and my dismissive avoidant ex broke up in June. He claimed it was for mental health reasons, I stayed and tried my best to support him. We had a conversation not long after where we both maintained we would maintain loyalty. A few weeks later someone tells me he’s on bumble, I could not believe it as he had never lied to me before. His bumble profile said he was ‘he was looking for a relationship’ it just didn’t make sense. But I left it, as he had told me at the time that his friends had created his profile not him. During summer he was diabolical, name calling, telling me he never loved me, just acting up in general. Things did cool down, and eventually we started seeing each other again. My birthday came around and I mentioned that I thought we would do something together, he got mad at me said I was ‘questioning him and calling him a liar’, so I waited.. and waited.. he never ended up doing anything for my birthday. We met afterwards and he reassured me again and again he would never use the dating app. On what would’ve been our 1 year anniversary, he told me that he had told his co-worker that.. I was extremely confused, like you told your co-worker???? Fast forward to 2 weeks before Christmas we met to eat, and while discussing a couple we knew dealing with cheating in their relationship, he assured me he would never do that to me. While I knew that we were not ‘official’ I believe there was an understanding based on loyalty. 2 weeks after he supposedly went on bumble matched with someone in Scotland (a whole different country), returned my birthday gift, and first week of February when we were meant to go out to eat he told me just hours before he had switched days with his ex partner in taking care of his child and therefore couldn’t make it. I believed him. I just found out he had actually travelled to Scotland met this 35 year old lady and they had sex - he’s 26. He claims there was not cheating. The whole thing is just diabolical. He had now come back after 4 months of no contact, claiming he was ‘just toxic’.
I told him, that all I expect from him is to cut contact with her so we can try working on us, he’s said he won’t as ‘she didn’t do anything to me’. It’s just cowardly, as he told me it was not worth losing me over but she’s out here posting pics of their first date over and over again with captions ‘favourite picture of me’, so she probs is being led to believe this will become more. Overall the whole situation smells of selfishness, and heartlessness.

This is far from the first situation of this kind in my marriage, and I really need some perspective here. My spouse of a year and a half has A LOT of food allergies. The only one that is life threatening is citrus. As such, we try to keep our house as allergen free as possible, and if I want to be able to kiss them, I don’t eat anything they’re allergic to (which again is most things, it would take way too long to list). I have learned to cook so they can eat safely at home, I have removed many of my favorite foods and drinks from my diet, I have given up scented candles, perfume, and I have to use all the same skin and hair products as them, even if I don’t like them.
For the past few weeks, there’s been a nasty virus going around our house and so we’ve both been pretty sick and miserable. I’ve had a sore throat and cough for five days. Before I met my wife, I would have been drinking my favorite peach and orange tea and honey religiously to help sooth it. But my wife is allergic to honey, and most teas. The only tea we have that they’re not allergic to is one that I don’t like the taste of.
So today I have to go to work and I have to be able to speak, so I made myself a thermos of the tea I like, taking care not to cross-contaminate anything, and I even put the lid on while it steeped, so that the vapors wouldn’t trigger their asthma.
It wasn’t enough. When my spouse walked in, they said “is that poison tea?” And I replied that yes it was and they immediately left the room and said “Ah, so I’m staying away from you today, then. Enjoy your poison tea.”
Their tone made me feel like shit. I just wanted the tea I love that I hardly ever get to drink to make me feel a little bit better while I worked. And just breathing in the vapor is not going to endanger their life. At most it will make them cough and have to take their inhaler. Am I the asshole?

As a long-time fan of Throne of Glass since it was first coming out, I might be a little biased, but I just prefer ToG and don't find ACOTAR as interesting. I've only read the first book in the ACOTAR series. I enjoyed it initially, but had mixed feelings once we reached the part under the mountain. I felt uncomfortable with some of the things that happened with Rhys regarding consent. I still liked the book overall, but learning that Tamlin changes in the second book really put me off. It made me question the point of the first book and why I even bothered with it. I am open to major relationship changes if they are well-written and fits the narrative (Red Queen absolutely wrecked me and I loved it), but this felt like a total 180 without much foreshadowing and – at least to me – makes absolutely no sense as part of a cohesive narrative. I also know that Feyre's sisters play a big role in the story, and I can't see myself wanting to read about them, especially considering how badly Nesta treats Feyre.
Despite all this, I wanted to give it another go, but as I'm listening to the audiobook/reading, Feyre's behavior is getting increasingly annoying. I get she’s in an impossible situation, but her constant complaints about returning to a family that mistreats her, combined with her obliviousness to her current reality, are so frustrating. It kind of makes me angry because I know she's capable of being smarter, yet it's not reflected in her actions. Having said all this, I know so many people would die for this book, the same way I would die for ToG, and I desperately want to give it another shot. So, I'd love to hear from other Maasverse fans what they love about the ACOTAR series. I'm hoping to avoid major spoilers (I know Feyre and Rhys are endgame, but not many other plot points beyond what I’ve already mentioned).
So tell me: Which relationship is your favorite and why? If you loved Tamlin, how did you reconcile with his change? What do you love about the writing/plot itself? Why do you love Feyre? What makes her as good of a protagonist as Aelin? I fully believe Aelin would hate the unfounded shit-talk Feyre gets, so I only mention this as a way to acknowledge Feyre has equally good/strong qualities, but I might just not be aware of what they are.
I want any and all opinions, so please, bestow upon me your essays!