I work in biotech and have been with this company for 3 years. Before that I was with an academic lab/core working with the same things for 2.5 years.
I worked really, really hard at the academic lab. Only took time off if I was sick and then only if I couldn't function. I rarely took a lunch because I was so busy I didn't have time to eat. I'd easily work 10-12 hour days and always got paid for it. My boss was super appreciative and promised me a promotion that never materialized. He blamed it on HR which I want to give the benefit of doubt to him and believe but I never got a promotion. I got tired of the constant push and poor pay. I was about to be living without a roommate and could not afford it. So I looked for a job in the industry and got one.
At first I was excited because it was way more pay and set 9-5 hours and people were pretty relaxed about that. Things went well for the first year. I got to help on projects and it really seemed like the role was working for me. However, I never heard a whisper of a promotion nor any discussions about my career prospects within the group. I felt invisible to my manager and just drifted through the work hoping something would change.
It did in the form of a new manager. My previous one was promoted and someone under her was then promoted who I got along with. I thought "alright, now things might be changing!". They did not as it was the same old same old. He did help me put together some goals to learn new instruments and techniques but I was always so busy I couldn't do them.
A few months later a new guy gets brought in and one day after a department-wide meeting, a bunch of us were asked to stay. We were being moved under the new guy to basically do nothing but what I was already doing. I was furious because it felt like I was boxed into a corner to be yet again forgotten about and left to the wolves. They guy was pretty nice and approachable.
This didn't last more than maybe 3 months before he brought someone in personally to oversee our group since he was the director or whatever of our group (dumb workplace hierarchy stuff). So in about 9 months I'd went through 3 managers. None of whom gave any real guidance and didn't seem to take an interest in being a manager and helping your direct reports grow.
I did not like the new guy at all. He gave me a really weird vibe that just made me uncomfortable. That sort of went away as I got to know him a bit but he was still always a little awkward and off putting to me. By this point I felt completely boxed out of any opportunity. He let me help on a long term project but that's about it. I've been doing nothing but the same thing since I started.
I also struggle with depression, anxiety, and chronic migraines. A fact that I had to embarrassingly bring up in a meeting with him, my previous manager, and HR. I was in trouble because I'd missed 2 days without saying anything. At the time this happened I was experiencing really bad withdrawal symptoms from running out of a medication that took a few days to sort out. I also mentioned my chronic migraines as being a reason for absences and having to resort to PTO since I'd ran out of sick days.
They seemed very understanding and offered me support and just wanted me to fix being late all the time and lower productivity. I did my best and was able to appease them. That is until recently. I'd went on a vacation with my partner and took Monday off the week I'd be returning to work. Except I totally forgot to submit the PTO. I'd thought I had done this, genuinely but my manager was a real dick about it. He clearly didn't believe me, used my last incident against me, called me unreliable, told me to get my shit together because I'd forgotten to do some things that he'd said weren't urgent.
Needless to say, I left that meeting feeling really down but not worried. Then a few weeks ago I took a long weekend to go see a friend. I ended up getting sick with an ear infection the day after I got back so I was out for 2 days. Both were submitted and he knew. The second day, I see another meeting with him, my previous manager, and HR. This time they were far less friendly and understanding. The HR guy accused me of abusing PTO for sick leave (I've been out of sick leave since February due to chronic migraines). Now I'm to go on a PIP and I feel like my days are numbered. I tried to use my latest performance review to stick up for me but my own boss acted almost as if it didn't say what it said and HR guy interrupted me and told me the performance review doesn't matter. So I just shut down and let them speak their piece and then I left the meeting. I feel like my manager just wants me gone and doesn't like me which is fair because I don't like him.
I've already started looking for new jobs but I'm not even sure if I want to stay in this career anymore. I'm burned out and tired. I'm not listened to nor accommodated as I feel this should be. I've applied for FMLA to use intermittently for my illness but I feel their just going to fire me anyway. I'm hoping they offer a severance and me quitting in lieu of a PIP but they probably won't. This company doesn't care about any of us. None of them do.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you handle it? I also want to sit down with HR myself and tell my side of things now that I've had time to process and collect my thoughts but I don't think it'd do any good. Sorry for the long rambling rant! I tried to break it up into paragraphs instead of a big wall of text.

I. To everyone...

1. I have hurt and wronged, my sincerest apologies to you. I don't know why I am saying that here, I should be directly saying it to you. I guess I am fearful of confrontation-- a coward. Often times, I have a hard time sleeping. When it's all dark and quiet, that's when the conscience is glaring and deafening. This is my karma for everything I have done. Maybe someday I will be able to say this to all of you then maybe I will get a good long rest.
   
2. That hurt and wronged me, I have forgiven everything. I honestly do not remember that many bad experiences with people that would qualify except for one. I have had this bully back in kindergarten who always strangles me. It was really painful. It was very hard to breathe. I do not remember much back when I was young and for me to remember this, it means it really affected me in some way.
   
3. That showed my kindness in whatever way, I salute you. Thank you. I have no other words but for you to live long and happy lives.
   

II. Uncertainties
True, life is full of uncertainties and they are not necessarily going to be bad. I just have this hunch that every uncertainty in my way will most probably be disadvantageous to me. That is why I am in a constant state of overthinking. Even the most trivial of things overloads my brain. Did I put in petrol or diesel? Have I locked the doors after I left? Where are my keys? Will I ever be able to get out of my mundane 9-5 job and shift to a more fulfiling career? Have they forgiven me? What do they think about me? Did I step on some dog shit? Anything goes. When you are thinking about everything, chances are, you are not going to resolve those that matter. I want to shut it down, even for just one night.
III. A Chance at Romance
I have had my encounters with it and I am in the middle of one right now. My only question is that, why do I always mess it up. We are in a rough patch. I don't know how I can turn this around. She is great because we are not just lovers but we are also friends. What more can I ask for? It is hard, finding someone that can be both. I don't know if she thinks I am serious when we talk about each other being each other's bestfriend. To me, it is genuine. She's my bestfriend. I mean, I have had people in my life that had been with me for decades, I consider them friends but her companionship is something that transcends time. It does not matter. When I am with her, I am free, I am at peace. Why did it have to be like this?
IV. Scales and Triggers
Do you feel that? Yes, that thing crushing you that gets heavier as time goes by. No one sees it yet everyone feels it. It just a matter of 'how heavy?' and 'how durable?'. There are unlimited combinations of the hows but there are only 2 outcomes to this. Will the scale break or will it be able hold for another day? Sometimes, I think it is going to break, other times I think it can handle 10 times more weight. Right now, it is breaking. There is no single event that caused this. It is the culmination of years of disappointment and regrets. A spectacle where I finally...
V. Cross Over
I am not a big believer of the supernatural but isn't it freeing to be able to stand and watch from the sidelines? What would that be like? Watching the things unfold without active participation. I think I would love that.
Good night everyone.

Synopsis:
Carlos was an ordinary software engineer on Earth, up until he died and found himself in a fantasy world of dungeons, magic, and adventure. This new world offers many fascinating possibilities, but it's unfortunate that the skills he spent much of his life developing will be useless because they don't have computers.
Wait, why does this spell incantation read like a computer program's source code? Magic is programming?
___
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"So, in short, the most stuck-up bully of my life is now begging for our help to fulfill his greatest dream, because we've happened to become his only remotely realistic hope of achieving it. Do I have that right?"
Carlos looked up from his plate of succulent roasted meats and vegetables, all covered generously with a rich gravy, and raised an eyebrow at Amber. They were in Mayor Stelras's personal dining room, enjoying the service of his personal chef. "You know you do. You've read the letter yourself, what, a dozen times now?"
Amber set the letter aside yet again and took another bite of her own lunch. "Yeah, I know. It's just…" She shook her head and chuckled. "Out of all the things that happened the last few weeks, this one is somehow the hardest for me to believe is real. It's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. I've personally met and spoken with royalty! Kindar should be nothing compared to that! But, somehow… This is hitting me harder than anything."
Carlos nodded calmly. "Makes sense to me. The presence of royalty is completely new to you. It's huge and important, and far beyond anything you ever expected might happen, but the only thing you've experienced before that's different is its absence. You don't have any memories in the back of your mind telling you 'that's not how this is supposed to work.' For Kindar, you have a lifetime of memories telling you that he's more powerful and better supported than you are, and that you're mostly helpless against his bullying. Now that you're the one in power, and he's the one helpless against you, that's not just new, but contradicts a lot of your past experiences. Some part of you in the back of your mind is having difficulty reconciling the contradiction; it's like you have a subconscious voice shouting 'that's wrong; it's not how this is supposed to work!' For meeting Princess Lornera, that voice is only confused and surprised, not feeling like something's wrong."
"Hmm." Amber cocked her head and paused. She looked down and idly speared another forkful of tender steak. She made a few more contemplative sounds as she chewed and swallowed. "That makes some weird kind of sense. I think." She shook her head. "How did you know that? I never would have figured it out."
Carlos chuckled. "Don't feel bad about it. Not many people would ever figure out that kind of thing about how human minds work without being taught. I certainly didn't. My dad's a therapist, and he taught me a lot."
Amber blinked, then blinked again. "I have never heard of that profession before. In fact, I think it doesn't exist here."
Carlos realized on reflection that "therapist" hadn't translated. There was no word for it in Ganler, the native language here. "Huh. … I hadn't thought about it, but I'm not surprised. It took a long time for people where I grew up to realize that kind of thing can be important. Or maybe the hard part was realizing that it takes education and training to do it well."
"Ah."
They ate mostly in silence for a while, occasionally humming in thoughtful consideration while they chewed. Eventually Amber was leaning on her elbow, just watching as Carlos scraped up a few last bits of gravy from his plate. She stared distantly at nothing. "Hmm… You know, I'm tempted to actually accept, just so I can rub his face in how I succeeded better at his own greatest ambition than he ever will."
"Hmm? Oh right, Kindar." Carlos chuckled. "I imagine a few sessions of smugly condescending to him would be rather cathartic revenge for you. Would it be worth the downside of helping him actually achieve his ambition, at least to a minor degree, though? I'm sure that if Darmelkon had any other viable options for helping his son with this, he would have taken care of it years ago. If we refuse, we'll be denying Kindar from achieving his ambition at all. Wouldn't that be better revenge?"
"Logically, yeah, that makes sense. But it just doesn't feel satisfying to me." Amber took a sip of water and pushed her empty plate away. "I want to show him how badly we outclass him now. I want to see his face when he realizes that he will never measure up to the 'annoying stupid girl' he used to tease."
Carlos put his hands together, resting his elbows on the table, and rested his chin on his hands as he looked at Amber. "Not to mention how much money Darmelkon will pay us for doing it." His voice was calm and level.
Amber nodded quickly. "Yes, that too."
"You realize we're already rich now, right? Receiving taxes, and all that."
Amber threw her head back laughed uproariously. When her laughter finally tapered off, she leaned forward and looked Carlos in the eyes. "You may have heard that Darmelkon is rich, but you clearly don't understand how filthy rich he really is. Yes, I was shocked when he offered a hundred gold bounty for finding us back before we became nobles, but that was only because I didn't know why he considered us valuable. For this? For helping his son achieve his otherwise impossible greatest desire? A price in platinum would be cheap! I would bet that he'll pay in mythril and be glad about it."
"Hmm." Carlos quickly did the math in his head. 100 gold was roughly equivalent in value here to a million dollars on Earth, and is also equal to 1 platinum. So 1 million dollars per platinum. 100 platinum is 1 mythril. So each mythril coin is around the same order of magnitude value as 100 million dollars. Just 10 mythril to match a billion dollars. "Okay, that's more than I thought. So he's a major business tycoon? What the hell is he doing living in a backwater in the middle of nowhere like Erlen?"
Amber shrugged. "I have no idea. Ask him."
Carlos stared for a moment and snorted. "I suppose it doesn't matter." He took a deep breath. "Alright, I guess we're at least seriously considering it after all. So, let's break it down, pros and cons. Pros: personal satisfaction for you, Darmelkon loses any basis for claiming we still owe him a favor, and we get a ridiculous amount of money. Cons: Kindar becomes a noble. Also, we have to put up with him being here for a while. Anything else?"
"Another one for pros: Even with the favor and Darmelkon paying so much, Kindar himself will personally owe us, bigtime." Amber grinned. "His house will just about be permanent vassals in service to us."
Carlos hesitated, then frowned. "… Just how much, and how long, do you intend to keep paying him back for how he treated you?"
Amber raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "…Until I get tired of it? I don't know."
"I'm all for giving him a well-deserved comeuppance, turning the tables, and giving him a taste of his own medicine to teach him a lesson. But I will not countenance continuing to humiliate and abuse him long term!" Carlos shook his head emphatically. "If we do that, we would be bullies just as bad as he was. I hate bullies, and I refuse to be one."
Amber slowly lowered her eyes, blushed, and nodded shyly. "I… You're right. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I'm sorry for suggesting it."
Carlos leaned forward and reached out to gently put his right hand on top of her hands. "It's okay. What's important is that you recognize your mistakes, learn from them, and make yourself a better person. My parents taught me that very, very thoroughly."
"Yeah." Amber sighed and shook herself. "Thanks. I'll try to remember that. And… Should we just call off the whole idea?"
"Only if you truly want to." Carlos squeezed her hands gently. "If you can get some satisfaction without taking it too far, then that's completely okay, and you were right that there are serious benefits to it. Even having him as a vassal house, as long as we treat him reasonably. Though… Hmm." He frowned. "There has to be a reason why strong noble houses aren't raising up new vassal nobles all the time, right? It's not all that hard to make a noble soul plan if you know the requirements details."
"I suppose. Lorvan probably knows the reason."
Carlos nodded. "Yeah. I feel like he might just ask if we can figure it out ourselves, like he did about nobles keeping mana wellsprings, though…" He shrugged. "I'm sure Darmelkon knows too, and he wouldn't have asked if the Crown forbids it, or anything like that. He's ambitious and ruthless, not stupid. We should ask, certainly, but I expect any consequences we might have overlooked will be manageable. As I see it, the core question is just…" Carlos reached his other hand forward, firmly clasped and lifted both of Amber's hands, and looked her in the eyes. "Amber, what do you want to do with this?"
Amber stared back for a moment, then averted her gaze. "Don't you have an opinion about this too? Why are you only asking me?"
"Of course I have an opinion, but all he did to me was loan me a sword in a dungeon and then act rude and arrogant when he demanded it back afterward. You are the one who grew up being bullied by him. How to treat him matters far more to you than it possibly could to me." Carlos squeezed Amber's hands reassuringly. "Amber, please, look at me." He waited, and after a few seconds Amber hesitantly turned her head to face him directly again. "My opinion on this is that I want our response to be something that you will be content and happy with. All other relevant considerations that I can think of are less important than that."
Amber stared and slowly nodded. "I… Thank you." She squeezed Carlos's hands back and awkwardly extracted her hands from his grip so she could lean forward and rest her head on them, propped up by her elbows on the table. "I think… I do want to accept, but maybe with some conditions. I still want to show him up in person and see his reaction. Part of me still feels afraid of him, and I want to prove to myself that he doesn't have the power to threaten me anymore. That seems like something your 'therapists' would say something about. Would they say it's a good idea? Do you know?"
Carlos nodded. "Yes, absolutely. Standing up to something you used to fear is a great way to resolve residual fear of it that lingers in your mind."
"Then, yeah. I want to do that, and I do still want to get some payback." Amber hesitated. "But if I start bullying people like he did, I'd start hating myself as soon as I realize it. So, no bullying. And that goes for Kindar too. If he can't learn to stop being a bully, then he doesn't deserve what he wants. Let's give him a chance. Make our conditions clear, and demand partial payment up front, but give him an opportunity to earn our help."
"That sounds fair." Carlos cocked his head and frowned in thought. "Having him with us may require adjusting some of our plans. … Actually, we're overdue for making certain plans in the first place. I got a bit too carried away with my excitement over all the spell keywords we can learn now. Sorry."
Amber grinned. "Have you forgotten that I told you I'm well known for always having a plan? What do you think I've been doing the past two days?"
Carlos raised an eyebrow, then grinned back at her. "Oh really? Let's see what you've got!"
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So we pick up where we left off the raw after clash at the castle has tegan in a sit down interview with Michael Cole. This basically explains all of tegan nox's past to the main roster. Michael asks about the history between dekota and nox. Nox says that sometimes she still sees her old friend in dekota but understands that they are different people now. This segment ends with tegan nox will return next week on raw.
The next week she has a money in the bank qualifier against kadi sane. She wins with the shinnest wizard and her and dekota kai have stare down and both look up at the money in the bank.
So we get a pretty normal money in the bank build but keep them out of each others way. So we are at money in the bank and its iyo sky vs dekota kai vs tegan nox vs shana blazer (sorry if wrong spelling) vs zoey stark vs nia jax vs zelina zega vs Tiffany Stratton. During the match zoey stark and shana team up and take every one out with a ladder and are about to hit dekota kai she gets pushed out the way by tegan who takes her spot and gets taken out this is a shock. Note the last time we saw tegan in the match before this is getting hit in the head. Anyway Tiffany Stratton wins after some big event that wipes everyone out.
The next night on raw tegan nox is in a match against iyo sky to see who will advance to a number one contenders triple threat next week. During the match dekota has the chance to hit tegan with a chair but she doesn't and this leaves the door open for tegan nox to hit the shinnest wizard for the win.
During the triple threat match on the next raw just as tegan nox manages to hit the shinnest wizard on becky lynch 1 2 dragged out by iyo and kari sane this leaves the door open for rhea Ripley to win and staredown with liv Morgan.on raw talk after tegan nox is wondering why damage control would do that after nox saved dekota at money in the bank. Dekota comes in and apologies for damage control and claims to have no idea about what damage control did. Tegan nox says just like with bayley right save it I am going after damage control so if you truly feel bad stay out of my way.
The next week is a rematch with iyo sky but dekota isn't at ring side but insted is watchingon a tv screen backstage. Iyo wins with sane's help they then wrap a chair around tegan nox's knee. Cut to the camera backstage on dekota kai and she is gone then rushes to the ring to plead with iyo to stop there is no need to do it. This leads to sane attacking her they then both get laid out by damage control.
Now it is the raw before Summerslam and tegan throws out the challenge she wants to team with kai against sane and sky at Summerslam. Dekota kai comes out and says she will team with nox and asks iyo to come out and accept the challenge. Iyo comes out and claims that dekota was always the loser of the group and they just kept her around to abuse the numbers game but after money in the bank it was she was going to go crawling back to nox after the save so they accept the challenge and says maybe you will both get a YouTube series once they put them back on the shelf.
At Summerslam it is a good match ends with a demolition kick followed by the shinnest wizard to pin iyo. On a Summerslam digtal exclusive tegan and dekota agree to try a win the women's tag team belts something they were unable to do last time they teamed up.

Relevance: Trans kids issues and the invoking of child suicide to shut down debate that has come up on the pod several times.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/20/nyregion/transgender-athletes-nyc-public-schools.html
My heart sank reading this, although I shouldn’t be surprised with the NYT anymore. For as much discussion that there has been lately about the rhetoric moderating on trans issues in the wake of the Cass Review and the changes to medical protocol in Europe, nothing has changed in affluent parts of NYC, it seems. Parents who put forward a resolution opposing plans to have sports teams in public schools be based on gender identity instead of biological sex were told by their elected officials, including Congressman Jerry Nadler, that they are hateful and bigoted people who only want to harm trans children. I get that Democratic politicians have to be performatively all-in on trans stuff to show that they’re not those evil Republicans who literally want all trans people to burn in hell right now, but it is in no way professional to smear your constituents for believing something that, as the article states, polling shows is a very mainstream position. As seen very often, someone - a State Assembly member this time - tries to shut down debate by saying that a third of trans kids have contemplated suicide, implying that these parents will have blood on their hands for believing that biological sex matters in sports. He goes as far as to say that the discussion is “not needed.” No platform! The message from elected officials is clear: Not up for debate, you stupid despicable piece of trash, screw you and your daughter who doesn’t want to run track or shoot hoops against a biological male! And how dare you bring this up in the district that includes the Stonewall Inn!
And, of course, there’s the language invoking life-or-death, survival is at stake, our very existence is being attacked, when parents are simply stating that it’s potentially unfair to high school girls to have to play against someone who has been through male puberty. I despair. Just when you think the rhetoric is getting more reasonable…

I have audhd myself, so when I'm in a good place, I can just about handle it but I'm in burnout with next to zero masking ability rn.
They are constantly shouting, being extremely loud, and honestly, acting unpredictable in general. For instance, his mum (who doesn't live here, but owns the house) randomly invites family members over all the time, and I never know when they're coming over, and then I feel extremely rude staying in our bedroom but I just don't want to see anybody. I don't want to say hello. I don't even want anyone in the same space as me when I'm at home. I feel differently when I live elsewhere and make plans with his family, because I can brace myself, but living in the chaos with no safe space away from it is just dysregulating the heck out of me. Like at the moment, his mum and one of my boyfriend's second cousins who I've never met have come to stay for a week or two, and I cannot say no because it isn't my house and this is the only affordable rent for me and my partner atm.
Right now, I'm sitting in our room, and his Auntie is round and she's, not even joking, properly shouting, singing, etc, even right outside my door. And now they're doing DIY in the room next door. It's so triggering that the place I live feels this way because I'm getting dysregulated constantly and having to work overtime to calm down. I wanna move out asap, but I can't yet, but this makes me so anxious that I feel genuinely distressed. And I resent the fact that I probably seem so antisocial to them because I'm avoiding them, but when I'm at home, I wanna relax. I don't want to see anyone unless I plan to see them. I resent that because it's my partner's family, how they percieve me matters. I don't wanna be a grumpy no-fun kind of person, I just find it so hard because I'm not comfortable around these people, I just don't know them anywhere near enough to unmask to the level they are as my "silly" self, and even if I was to match their energy, that would actually be masking because right now, unmasked me is nowhere near on that level.
Also, it's really petty, but I got some toilet roll the other day, and I walked into the bathroom and saw his Mum had taken the roll I got off the holder, and replaced it with her own, and the rolls I'd put in the drawer where they go, she had taken the ones I bought out and left them on the side and put hers in there instead. Like??? What's wrong with the ones I got? What, because they're not fancy enough for you? They literally exist to wipe butts. God help me lmao. I don't want to fall out with them, so I'm keeping to myself, but I know they probably don't understand why I do that. I just can't handle this many unpredictable personalities in one space right now.

At the time of this post 145 thousand people are still without power going on almost 6 days without power. Tornado wiped out our power grid in select areas throughout Texas. Here's some things I learned and a situation report of my experience living with a very large family of mixed ages.
Context: We had been getting hit with some pretty gnarly weather however business as usual in Texas. I didn't think much of it usually when our grids down they're pretty quick to respond minus the snow storm years back. So when I heard there was a storm brewing I didn't even flinch I always keep some very very basics, battery's, lights, water, 2 weeks minimum of non perishable foods, self defense protection, and ammo, etc. But I hardly consider myself a prepper anymore, but I know some people don't even have that.
I use to be really on top of my preps overtime, however my stockpile had dwindled, as did my thirst for knowledge and hands on experience/training. I just honestly wasn't on top of my game anymore, and quit taking this as serious years ago. This tornado really brought me back to reality, so this post is mostly for entry level preppers looking at some practical advice from a 5 day experience, I fully regret the fact I quit taking this serious years ago.
First Day: Around 6pm, emergency alert on phone stating tornado in your area, seek shelter immediately. Thought ok let's shelter in the master bedroom closet. Wind rocked the house pretty good, could hear limbs from tree's falling, within about 10 minutes the power shuts off, and glancing outside within a hour the streets flooded. The storm had died down, as did the flooding, and it was time to asses the damage in the immediate area. Got in the car, power had blown out pretty much every store/house within a several mile zone. Found one square zone with a few places that had power, got some fast food but waited about 30 minutes because everyone went there.
What I wish I had on day one/ and general notes:
Rain boots: The streets had not only flooded but was blocked by limbs in the roadway. Luckily our flooding wasn't too severe but had it been I wish I did have rainboots so normal shoes didn't get soaked. or some type of beach sandals, etc.
Chainsaw, electric saw, axes, regular saw: Would of come in handy if the limbs in our area blocking the road were any bigger.
Higher up vehicles: Some vehicles couldn't make it through the flood due to being so low to the ground, so take into account your vehicles.
More variety of quality flashlights: Electric Lanterns came in clutch, but wish I had more handhelds, head mounted, and higher end lanterns.
Battery Inventory checks: Wish I had not only more batteries cause you really do burn through these quick, but wish I had checked all my lights battery condition, and stored new batteries in waterproof containers.
Alternative sources to battery's: Not a huge fan of candles due to fire risk, but some not scented beeswax or soy based candles would of came in handy to help ration battery supply. Maybe glass lanterns as well for safety and ease of transport. Glowsticks would of been great option too.
Car chargers: Believe it or not some of us didn't have car chargers for our cell phones cause we mostly charge our phones at home, although we were able to share, wish we had this on day one for all our phones.
Fully charged portable battery bank, or portable phone chargers: If we had this we wouldn't of been out in our cars late at night charging stuff putting us at more risk for being possible victims to crime.
Quality of cell phone, and cellphone provider: Have a POS phone but keep putting off upgrading it? Don't. Luckily mine was good but some of our cellphone providers carriers had better signal then others, some of are phones were in bad shape and it was noted we wish we didn't put off upgrading it sooner. You can't predict how well your provider will do but maybe do your research, unsure how this works but now I can do my research and learn from it. I had 0 issues with boost mobile but other family members weren't so lucky.
Cash: This is obvious but due to us moving towards a cashless society its pretty uncommon, but this would of came in handy due to how many places didn't have power. You can do so much with cash.
Battery powered or rechargeable camping fans: I did have one of these, it even had a light but wish I had more.
Larger ice chest: Now we had a few, but they were smaller. We lost everything in our fridge/freezer besides canned drinks, I mean everything. We had just bought grocery's too, lesson learned.
OTC sleeping medication: We had melatonin, and Tylenol pm, but it was so quiet you could hear a mouse sneeze a block over, until the generators turned on. First two are OK options but given its only going to be cool at night, and we knew tomorrow would be hot, we took kratom to sleep. Check your area some states it's illegal, not recommending it but it's what we used. I wish I had stockpiled more kratom, I took it when I got the flu on top of C word to relieve body aches and found out it really helped me sleep and ease pain/stress. Usually cycle this 3 days on max, one day off to prevent habit forming.
This is really for day two + but ill post this here cause I noticed it on day one:
Backup supply of my personal vices or quitting personal vices: I know this may sound stupid but I am fully addicted to caffeine, and nicotine. I picked my poison and know what I signed up for. Caffeine really? yeah really not sure if you know this but for some people caffeine withdrawal can make you really suffer, and I mean really suffer check out decaf. I was in the process of lowering my caff intake to 1 cup of tea a day, and quit soda. Was one month off soda before the storm came in, but had to relapse due to us not carrying high caff tea on supply.
But yeah stock up on your vices so you aren't going through withdrawals during an emergency. Was on 3mg per ml of nicotine and had to dish out 30$ for a disposable vape thats 50mg per ml at a gas station on day two to prevent withdrawals. So I was on way higher dose of nic then usual due to only being able to purchase what I could find, for reference 50mg per ml if you use that in 10 days thats about a pack of ciggs worth of nic per day. So yeah either quit your vice or stock up, I don't advocate hard drugs at all so this isn't for that but this is mainly aimed at coffee/caff use, etc. Instant coffee packs may be great for some people.
Battery powered radio: Can't stress enough how mentally taxing silence can be long term. We had one, but the battery port crapped out. Lesson learned, test your preps.
Backup food for your pet friends: Luckily I was pretty good on pet food but imagine if I wasn't, and this was more severe.
Water situation: Had a decent amount of drinking water, we had running water. If we didn't I would say I wish I had filled up the giant jugs I bought for flushing the toilet/doing dishes or running through a berkey water filter if we ran out of drinking water. I had bought 5 gallon blue jugs specifically for this years back. However I cleaned them out, and didn't refill, Lesson learned.
2nd Day: We were able to cook some stuff on a gas stove, luckily. People at gas stations were stocking up on ice, filling their gas cans up for their generators, and shelves were getting empty at stores with power only on some things though wasn't too bad cause the power outage was scattered some had power, others didn't. Mostly a waiting game at this point, most of the preps I wish I had on this day were the same as day one, but ill toss in some stuff I wish I had. Obtained a portable battery powered radio, the morale boost was real for everyone, even the dogs.
What I wish I had on day two/ and general notes:
BBQ style lighters to light gas stove: We had two but recently tossed em out due to being empty. Realized I had no bics, and only had one box of matches, feels bad man.
Entertainment: Board games like checkers, board games for kids, chess, basic poker set, etc. These would of been awesome and a great way to keep the kids entertained and the adults, the boredom was real. We hit local goodwill's that had power to look for radios, and cheap prep supplies and games, but no luck.
Third day By then reality set in for most people, neighbors who could afford to do so booked hotels or bugged out to places with power. The generators really started up by day three, everyone was buying gas for them and you could hear them in almost every direction. Pretty sure some people had it from the start but noticed them more by day three. A lot of people were sitting outside the front of their homes trying to escape the heat. Ice from most places were completely sold out, so you had to really shop around to find any.
Finding news about the power outage day 1-3 was kind of hit and miss, KHOU news updates were pretty short and it took us some time to know how severe the storms damage actually was, cause we were focused on trying to get stuff done around the house and conserving battery. I believe at one point CenterPoint's actual website went down. Mostly resulted to local news channels, and nextdoor app. We couldn't watch live news and had to rely on when KHOU posted youtube videos.
Private security company's hired guards and they started patrolling certain stores that could afford the security, obviously to deter looters. Traffic everywhere was insane in every which direction during peak hours more then usual, PD presence was pretty high, more then usual.
What I wish I had on day three/ and general notes:
Generator: Pretty obvious why, had no experience with them but wish I did, and wish I bought one pre-blackout when I was more into prepping and took time to learn about them and how to use and maintain them properly.
Ham radio: Or something to pick up on local freqs to monitor radio comms for information regarding the storm and local activity if any. I think this may of been better then waiting on local news to post videos.
Day Four: Buddy had power so he dropped off his generator and gave me quick instructions on how to run it, how far away to place them, etc. By day four the temps really ramped up, and this thing definitely kept us cool. When you think of bartering you think of some post apocalypse stuff, but no. In reality you can barter during any emergency, buddy dropped it off free of charge but was able to offer some booze as a thank you. So even if you don't drink stock up on booze/ciggs to barter, never know what you might trade it for. Times are tough in this economy and I honestly didn't have much money to spare, family had to pool our funds together to get last minute preps to survive this, cause we didn't know how long this would really last. In certain areas they said it could be weeks. However the alcohol was a small thank you that I could afford and he was happy so all worked out.
Gas cans were sold out, and extension cord supply's were looking extremely low at local hardware store. From what I overheard they also completely sold out of generators. Honestly wish I knew more about electrical stuff but my buddy gave me a small crash course in wiring everything. You can't just plug it in and pray for the best. Bought the best gauge extensions cords I could afford for our needs, and the distance and hooked it up.
We ran one bedroom AC unit, fans for the dogs, wired a light, and a charging station. Also don't cheap out on gas cans it's not worth blowing your face off or starting a fire, or having it leak. If you get a generator do your research on how to properly run it, and safely fill it. Crime in this area can be fairly high we've had a few drive by shootings and other not so good police involved things. Read this book along time ago about post collapse security, so I blacked out our windows so when we turned lights on no one knew we had power. You may hear the generator, but from the street we look like we don't have anything going for us. My biggest fear was looters from people who were less fortunate or really down bad. We near a common site for homeless people as well so they foot traffic the area.
Generators are very loud, between that and listening to the radio 12 hours a day, I was beginning to audio hallucinate lyrics that weren't there with the radio off, and suffered from heat exhaustion. That and the fact we had homeless in our area and tweekers who might loot I was running off adrenaline a bit. 24 hours almost that night without sleep, and didn't even feel tired. Slept near my firearm until my family woke up at daylight and when daylight hit I knew we were in the clear and I passed out.
What I wish I had on day fou and general notes:
Knowledge of generators.
Knowledge about electricity/wiring them safely.
Security: Some type of physical alarm bell to put on the door like metal door knob alarm bells so it jingles if anyone enters to alert the dogs, had to keep the door slightly cracked so the wires hooked up to the generator would fit. So we couldn't lock the door, which is probably where my anxiety of tweekers coming in came from.
Day Five: Same shit different day, power came on that evening.
Conclusion: Just cause it doesn't look like societal collapse or WW3 prep your shit for emergency's native to your area or go beyond, idc but prep. They ain't coming to help for awhile, or at all if it's very severe...so it's up to you and your community to pull through. This was a wake up call, thanks for coming to my prep talk.

I hit 600 hours yesterday and figured I should post about my experience thus far - hopefully it will be helpful for all of you, but also will be fun to look back on myself, later on.
Background: I took a couple semesters of Spanish in high school as well as university over a decade ago, but never gave more effort than just trying to get a decent grade. A year ago, I decided to try and learn Spanish for real. I went down the normal Duolingo track, then found Paul Noble audiobooks and Language Transfer. I became really interested at this point, and eventually came across Dreaming Spanish. At first, I would do like 15 min a day of Dreaming Spanish while “studying” with my other time, until sometime around July 2023 when I realized I was getting more out of DS, and went “all in”. I put 70 hours as my total input up to that point (although since then even though I’ve had other sources, I haven’t added any more “outside hours” along the way, so technically I have 530 hours of pure DS now).
Reasons for learning Spanish: - It’s simply something I’ve always wanted to do, but never really committed to it - My family and I love to travel, and want to be able to communicate much better - We spent 6 weeks in Spain late last year which was partially why I dove in, but even before the trip I realized I would for sure keep going after the trip (I now wish I had started DS way before that trip, of course!) - I have two young daughters, who will be going through the Spanish Immersion program (100% spanish through elementary and then it gradually balances between Spanish and English into middle and high school) in our district! My older gal starts kindergarten in the fall. - There is a hosting program within the immersion program where families can host a teacher assistant (someone completing Uni or just graduated) from a spanish speaking country. It would be a semester of hosting the TA at our house. We’ve talked to others who’ve hosted and they had a great experience. Some have since visited the TA in their home country. We aren’t signed up to do this for the coming year, but my wife and I would love to in the next couple years potentially.
Listening: 90% input from DS. Half the time I go from just the easiest Intermediate/Advanced video remaining (around level 58) and half the time I just pick a video that looks Interesting (BeginneIntermediate/Advanced). Sometimes I’ll speed up the easier videos. In general, I understand anything 60 and below very well, 60-70 is comprehensible and enjoyable but challenging, 70+ varies. I find Pablo, Sandra and Alma, and Agus much easier. I find Tomás and Edwin difficult, for example. But overall I’m still really enjoying DS. Currently half the time Im watching, and half the time I’m listening with headphones. A few times a week I’ll watch some super beginner / beginner videos with my daughter - she loves Calcetín videos and the Michelle cooking videos. Ive seen the “Find Wally” videos about 8 times…haha
I also have listened to a lot of Español Con Juan, which I enjoy too. I mix in YouTube videos sometimes as well. I’ve watched some native Ted Talks and found some of them too hard, but also found some that I’ve almost fully understood, which was encouraging. On the other end of the spectrum I put on the movie Society of the Snow in Spanish without subtitles and I was completely lost haha. No huge surprise. Overall, I’m happy with progress but have days where I’m frustrated too. Loving the journey though.
Reading: I haven’t done a ton of reading but doing more now. I read a handful of Olly Richards books around 300 hours and enjoyed overall. I read Harry Potter book 1 at 400 hours. I really liked it, although it was a bit too difficult, but having read them in English many times it was often still comprehensible. I’m now reading a bunch of the “Diario de Greg” books and they are great haha. Love being mid 30’s guy at the coffee shop posting up with one of those books. Challenging but comprehensible and fun. I also read a bunch of picture books in Spanish to my girls. My older gal is picking up a decent amount of words.
Writing/Speaking: Haven’t done a ton of writing other than occasionally texting a buddy who knows Spanish. But found it to be not too bad.
We were in Spain as a family when I had around 300-350 hours I think. It was super helpful to have that under my belt but also I generally couldn’t follow conversations between native speakers. I had conversations with people at the park or elsewhere if people were patient or spoke slower, and it was super rewarding. I made a lot of mistakes (including mistaking a verb and asking a guy at the beach in front of his family if he wanted “to touch me” instead of me taking a photo for him haha. He silently walked away). But also talked to an old woman about having kids etc and she talked about being envious of my parents as she never had grandkids and was very sad about it. I tried to comfort her. Moments like that make the whole journey worth it.
Also I should note that between 100-300 hours I was doing Baselang speaking lesssons. It is expensive, but I really liked the platform and had some great recurring teachers. I may re-sign up after 1000 hours. I would’ve held off but I also wanted to be able to communicate a bit better in Spain. Maybe it will have end up harming my progress, I’m not sure.
TLDR: hit 600 hours. Have a long way to go but seeing progress and loving the journey. Averaging around 2 hours per day now. Will re-start speaking around 1000-1500 hours. AMA.
Thanks!

Not so long ago I had an escort job. A divorced older man, in need of my service. When I ranged the bell, he opened the door and something moved around in the background, at first, I thought, someone else was in his house. It turned out to be the dog. The dog was big, but very friendly. The dog had a lot of energy, it was like a toddler in the amusement park. He pushed his nose into my crotch, and almost jumped me over. The customer laughed and said that the dog really liked me. We sat down and had a drink, I tried to put on my act, but that didn't go very well because his dog was all the time seeking my attention.
After a second glass, he suddenly apologized for having to walk the dog first. I waited and just watched TV. When he returned, we went upstairs and I lured him into the shower, because he smelled like a dog. Finally, he was ready for sex. We went into his bedroom, I undressed, crawled on top of him, grabbed a condom and I gave him a blowjob. Suddenly the dog entered the bedroom and sat down on the bed next to us. As it seemed, the dog was used to sleep on the bed. When I asked him to put the dog outside, he agreed, took the dog out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Before he was back even on the bed, the dog already opened the door.
I gave up and continued working. Moments later whilst fucking, I could see the dog staring at us, and that dog got on my nerves. The man noticed my distraction, and we changed position, but because of all the commotion he lost his erection. He took the dog down, and locked him up somewhere downstairs. Finally, we could continue, without the dog.
It didn't go well. Already after a couple minutes, the dog started barking. He didn't stop. He went down, freed the dog and gave some food, as a distraction. That gave us enough time for a quickie. As we fucked, the dog came up the stairs silently but quickly, and walked into the bedroom and started sniffing and licking my feet, and then I watched the dog moving his hips, the movement was very clear!! I said something like, “What is he doing?”, and he replied, “He likes you too.” and then apologized for the bad joke and pulled the dog away. I was shocked, because there are really men who want to see how a woman fuck a dog, and I’m already getting sick of the idea!! Lucky this one wasn’t, I believed him. When I got home, I immediately showered. I was covered in dog hairs, and everything smelled like a dog. I don't understand why people want a dog. And, YES, I do love animals, but not during sex.
I hope you enjoyed reading it; I write about what’s it like to be a prostitute. Why? Because I can't talk about it with my family and friends. I’m 42 and a single mom of 2 and joined REDDIT so I can tell in this community my story undisturbed.
I created my own community on REDDIT: “Life_as_a_Sex_Worker” hope to see you all there, many more post will follow. Any questions, suggestions? Send me a private message, big hugs to you all XXX💋

Hi all, I’m new to this subreddit but wanted to express some thoughts and feelings about the industry whilst trying to land an apprenticeship. Has anyone else found that the industry is often quite mean and gate kept? Unless you specialize in realism and do trad tattoos people don’t want to give you the time of day and criticize you for going down the “wrong path” of tattooing. I love kawaii and Japanese anime tattooing but have been told time and time again that I shouldn’t practice the style because it’s basically “copying”.
I think art is inherently subjective and putting criticism on other people’s artistic preferences is actually quite mean. Whilst I believe I’m valid in my art style, the criticism does affect me. What are other people’s experiences?

Firstly, apologies for not posting for soo long. Just to clarify, its all been the same - which is very good. I've had some really really cute interactions and I can't believe I havent written about it. But, there is no point in writing for hours about that haha. So I am just gonna write about what happened today!!
Soo for a bit of backstory (i could write about this for hours but imma be quick lmaoo) there were some rumours being spread about me at a boys school about me being a prostitute and some silly things - not true at all.
Our class today was so cute, I went in and he held the door open for me smiling. As i was sitting down I looked at him and he looked at me and smiled. We kept on making eye contact from across the classroom, it was adorable. When I put my hand up for help, his eyes instantly lit up aww.
Main thing is, after class - when most people had left - I went up to him and he was like "Are you okay (my name)?" whilst smiling. I was like "I am okay sir, do you mind if I talk to you?" he told me of course I can and he told me we should wait for the others to leave so we could talk privately. I asked him about his day and I was standing infront of him whilst he was telling me about how his exams went badly and stuff haha.
Anyways, when they left he just started looking deep into my eyes asking if everything was okay. I told him about how a boy I was friends with started rumours about me. When I said the word boy his whole expression changed, he like raised his eyebrow but in an annoyed way. It was like he was getting protective. And I didnt know how to say that they were saying I am a prostitute so I was like "sir I am not sure how to say it" and he was like "(my name) say whatever you feel comfortable telling me" it was so cute, and I was quite close to him whilst we were talking.
When I told him he looked really sad, he told me how sorry he was soo many times (like 10) saying that boys are disgusting and no one should be saying that stuff about me. Told me to not think about it or let it bother me. It was so cute, because he looked so concerned.
He even said "Thank you for talking to me (my name)" (not him thanking me haha) and I told him how much I appreciate him always listening to me and he said "I'll always listen to you (my name)" whilst looking into my eyes (he never looked away once) and he was smiling. Even when he was meant to be talking to other students he told them to go away because he was busy talking to me. Awww.
He then gave me lots of advice about what to do and how he wants it to stop and to prevent anyone from hurting me. It was so cute. Hes just so adorable. He cares so much and its the sweetest!
He also mentioned that he wants to still teach me next year haha, because I asked if I would still have him.
Lastly, he told me that i can ALWAYS talk to him and that I should come speak to him. He told me take care and have a nice day! In his adorable, sweet voice. He speaks so softly to me like his whole tone of voice changes. And I know he was watching me walk out from behind because when I couldnt open the door he told me to hold down haha.
Overall, he is just such an angel. I honestly dont know what I would do without him by my side. I especially love how he got so jealous when I mentioned the word boy haha. The way he truly cares and even ignored other students for me awwww. I appreciate him so much.

Part Two: The Solitude of This Fire
Chapter 6
Location: Hust Forge. Hust Henarald's conference room
POV: Kellaras
After making Kellaras wait some days, Hust Henarald finally grants him an audience and says "One day, I will be a child again". These words seem to be nonsense to Kellaras. While waiting for his audience he noticed the Hust Forge never stops working. Henarald goes on to say we all war with two parts of ourselves and both make weapons from anything at hand. Henarald asks Kellaras if Anomander simply wants a sword or to join the Hust Legion. He doesn't think Urusander's Legion would like that very much. Kellaras says he knows the request of a sword is unusual at this time. Henarald responds by saying others will see it as political. Perhaps even a secret allegiance. Kellaras is put off balance by Henarald's pragmatic responses and then shifting into ending each with "One day I will be a child again." Henarald asks for specs and Kellaras says Anomander wants the sword to be silent. Henarald responds by asking if he would prefer a gagged weapon and if Anomander will hide it's origin. Kellaras tells Henarald that Anomander wants his swords spine to be quenched in the purity of Darkness itself. Henarald muses on power and says those with the most power have the greatest fear and that means power is meaningless and delusional. Kellaras counters that the Forulkan would have enslaved the Tiste with their power had they won, but they lost to the power of the Tiste. Henarald responds, "A triumph in solitude makes a hollow sound, and to every glory proclaimed the heavens make no answer".
Kellaras reiterates that his master requests a sword. Henarald responds "To take the blood of Darkness". Kellaras is surprised by this as Mother Dark is not Azathanai. Henarald asks how she feeds her power and if now that Anomander knows the secret of House Hust if he will use it for political gain. Kellaras says his Lord is the ultimate secret keeper. Henarald agrees to forge Anomander's sword, but requires that he be present at the quenching of it by darkness to witness if it is blood Mother Dark uses. Kellaras tells him he won't be able to see anything and leaves the chamber trembling mostly upset by Henarald's repeated assertions that he will return to childhood.
Kellaras goes to the main hall where there is feast taking place. He pushes aside his doubts and is proud that he got Henarald's agreement to make the sword. He searches out Galar Baras and finds him leaning against a pillar staring at a woman that had just entered. Kellaras sees her see Galar Baras and watches her stiffen. The woman is Toras Redone. Kellaras notes that even grimed from hard travel she is beautiful and makes his way to Galar. Galar asks if Henarald spoke to Kellaras of childhood. Kellaras says yes, but does not understand. Kellaras invites Galar to join a table and Galar accepts though he tells him he can't drink. Galar tells the captain that the childhood thing troubles them all. Kellaras asks him to call him by his name and not rank. Galar says that Henarald claims that he is losing his recent memories, but no one can see any evidence of this. Galar tells Kellaras of a sickness called Loss of Iron that afflicts smiths. Kellaras tells Galar that in his meeting Henarald was sharp and focused. No evidence of a crumbling mind. Galar asks if he will tell Anomander of this. Galar says it has no bearing on the creation of the sword and says his master would likely just say returning to childhood isn't a bad idea.
POV: Galar Baras
Kellaras gets drunk and stumbles off and now Galar has to be alone with his thoughts and heartache at the presence of Toras Redone. She was still holding court at one of the tables and after a while she shuffles over to him. She comments on her husband transferring as far away as he could. She tells Galar that he is a pariah in the citadel. That people think him arrogant and dismissive. She knows that's not him, so is puzzled. She says he should have sex with the priestesses. That celibacy is not for soldiers. He should feed his appetites. Galar responds by asking if she is well fed. The barb slides off of her and she says well enough. She says she is certain that her husband stays true to her and that leads her to infidelity. Galar does not understand this. She changes the subject and says she has missed him. She tells him to go to bed, but he knows he won't be alone for long. He compares himself to Toras Redone's husband, Calat Hustain, knowing that both spend their nights alone, "because it was in their nature to choose it: to remain alone in the absence of love"
Location: Neret Sorr
POV: Kadaspala
With Osserc and Hunn Raal gone, Kadaspala is having a more enjoyable time having dinners with Urusander. The painting however was still irritating to him. He doubts anyone will see below the surface of his painting. He is finished and will leave in the morning. "There is but one god, and its name is beauty. There is but one kind of worship, and that is love. There is for us but one world, and we have scarred it beyond recognition". Kadaspala now truly sees Urusander and is terrified. Urusander asks him why he chose to accept this request. Kadaspala says he's denied hundreds, but if anyone can prevent a civil war, it's the man in the portrait. Although his thoughts imply that that may not be the same man standing before him.
Location: House Enes lands
POV: Cryl Durav
On his short self-imposed exile from the wedding preparations, Kryl finds the antlers of a long dead Eckalla. A symbol of triumph. Cryl thinks the triumph is hollow. Hunting for food was once a necessity, but that necessity bred traditions that resulted in the extinction of this animal. Thinking back on his youth he dreamt of discovering a new world free of Tiste where he could become prey and know the thrill of fear. Enesdia was also present in these fantasies. He thinks, "He had been trained for war just as he had been taught how to hunt and how to slay, and these were deemed necessary skills in preparation for adulthood. How sad was that?".
His horse notices some movement and he sees a troop of Tiste riders approaching. This makes no sense as there is no reason for them to come here on there way to somewhere else. Cryl rides to meet them and sees that they lead a score of Jheleck children. There were no chains. The captain of the company asks why Cryl is out this far and Cryl tells him who he is. The captain breaks in and says Cryl is probably fleeing the frenzy of the coming marriage. The captain introduces himself as Scara Bandaris and says there are two reasons for him being here, one trying to figure out what to do with the Jheleck hostages and two to attend the wedding. Cryl agrees to escort them all to house Enes. Scara perceptively guesses that Cryl is out here because he is in love with Enesdia. He says he will say no more on the subject.
There are 25 Jheleck children. Scara says they will raise wolves in these children. Cryl says he's heard they are more like hounds. Scara says hostage taking may come back to bite them. Scara laughs at his own joke and forces a smile onto Cryl's face. Cryl feels a little better.
Location: House Enes
POV: Enesdia
Enesdia is upset that Cryl has been gone for a few days. She searches out her father and overdramatically asks him why they are shirking their responsibility to their hostage. She says, "For all you know he could be lying at the bottom of a well, legs shattered and dying of thirst" Jaen responds "Dying of thirst in a well?" he tells her he sent him on a search for Eckalla. She says that's a hopeless quest. Jaen says Cryl's familiar with those. Enesdia asks what he means. Jaen responds that his time with House Enes is ending. It has only now struck Enesdia that her companion will not be at her side much longer. Enesdia laments the fact that Cryl's family has only one occupation. He will be a soldier like his only living brother, Spinnock. She muses that she could ask Andarist to offer Cryl a commission in the citadel, far away from fighting. Cryl would never know, but he would be safe.
Location: House Drukorlas
POV: Orfantal
Orfantal is standing near the estate road with Wreneck, a stable boy that used to be his friend. They are also standing near an old nag horse. They have been standing for some time. They are being circled by 3 feral dogs that have smelled the food that Orfantal carries. Orfantal wished he knew why Wreneck stopped being his friend, but it seemed impossible to ask now. Orfantal has all of his possessions in a trunk. They are not much. Orfantal thinks he could fit in there too, ready to be discarded. Wreneck is 10, Orfantal is 5. His grandmother is sending him off somewhere to learn how to grow up. He knows there will be a time when unhappiness comes into his life as it does with every boy. A wagon pulls up. It will be his ride to wherever he is going. Wreneck makes sure they know that he is going to the citadel and that he is nobleborn. Wreneck tells Orfantal that the old horse is blind in her left eye, so don't let anything ride on that side of her. Orfantal says goodbye to Wreneck and Wreneck waves dismissively and leaves.
POV: Wreneck
Wreneck turns from some distance to watch them leave with tears running down his face. He resolves himself to return to the "evil hag" and now he doesn't even have Orfantal to make his life easier. Nerys Drukorlat had forbidden him from playing or even speaking to Orfantal. She would fire him if he did. His mother and father and sisters relied on his income. He wished he could have played with Orfantal this entire morning and hugged him goodbye, but he was afraid of the evil hag.
Location: Toras Keep. On the road to the Citadel
POV: Orfantal
The party makes camp and the scarred old man who loaded Orfantal's trunk says that this is likely his horse's last journey. Orfantal is sad to not even know the horses name and wonders what things she has seen in her life. He decided that she had been a warhorse and saved her rider many times, but not from the betrayal that finally killed him. The leader of the troop introduces himself to Orfantal as Haral and tells him not to call him sir. He tells him he guards merchants and that's all. Orfantal asks about bandits. Haral says there are some Deniers. Haral tells Orfantal that he will be sharing Gripp's tent. The man who took care of his horse. He says that Gripp can be trusted and not some of the other men in the party.
Haral says after this he will be joining House Dracon's houseblades. Orfantal asks if he was a soldier once. Haral says few weren't in his generation. Orfantal introduces himself. Haral asks why she named him that. His name is a Yedan dialect. The holy language of the monks, Shake. Narad, one of the guards, says it means unwanted and laughs. Haral tells him to keep his mouth shut on this journey and tells Orfantal his name doesn't mean unwanted, it means unexpected. Narad laughs again and Haral savagely kicks him in the face then punches him. He then walks away from the unconscious guard. Orfantal is trembling and his heart is beating fast. Gripp comes over and calms him down. He says it's discipline and Narad was pushing for weeks. Orfantal now has a face to put to all the faceless betrayers in his war games. Narad. Gripp shows Orfantal how to raise a tent.
Location: Within sight of Dracon's Hold
POV: Ivis
Ivis and Sandalath are riding towards the hold. Ivis tells her that Draconus will be gone for several weeks still. Her body tells him that she probably had a child, but that's none of his business. She is now a hostage at House Dracon's and she will be treated well. Sandalath asks where Draconus comes from. Ivis says even his servants do not know, but he proved his worth in the war. Ivis is upset at the discipline now presented by his houseblades and resolves to fix it. Sandalath is being led to a warm bath and thanks Ivis. He responds, "My pleasure, milady". Hilith the head of the house maids does not like him calling her a lady as she is only hostage now. She lets him know it. Ivis says, "Old woman, you are no queen to so command me. I will choose the honorific our guest deserves. She rode well and without complaint. If you have complaint, await the pleasure of our lord upon his return. In the meantime, spit out that sour grape you so love to suck on, and be dutiful." Hilith says this isn't over. Ivis responds with a command to leave his courtyard and if he hears of her being miserable to the hostage that it will in fact not be over.
Location: Dracon's Hold
POV: Sandalath
Hilith tells Sandalath to come with her to the bath. Sandalath asks if the water is hot. and asks her if there is wood ready just in case. Sandalath challenges Hilith and says she is to treat her as if she was the lady of the house. Hilith bristles but agrees. Sandalath remembers her first stint as a hostage and the horrible hag that made her life miserable until Andarist found out and got rid of her. If Hilith turns out to be the same, she will tell Draconus. A younger maid escorts her to the correct bath, not the one Hilith had prepared for her. Sandalath says if Hilith is her enemy, then Sandalath should have many allies. The maid smiles and says thousands. Sandalath asks the maid about Ivis and if she finds him handsome. She says he is old, but Sandalath doesn't think so. Sandalath tells the maid she feels welcomed by this house and feels born anew.

This is the episode where I truly start to get annoyed by Rhaenyra lol.
-The suitor tour that seems to take place at the Stormlands due to Lord Baratheon acting as the host I thought even though for some reason both House Bracken and Blackwood are there, so who knows. Also funny enough a member from House Mudd, came to propose as a suitor Lol. I guess he made a calculated move that marrying the princess would be the best chance to reclaim the Riverlands lager on, just wonder how the writers Will handle the Mudd restoration subplot in Season 2 Lmao
-Rhaenyra just belittles and mocks a suitor due o their age, despite him a Dondarrion being a marcher lord and a important asset against any Dornish incursion. It’s okay if you don’t want to marry him, just say thank for your interest in a polite and considerate way and move on. Again a pattern of her lack of awareness and just putting down potential friends in her reign “OMG I have all these suitors to choose from, what hell I am in!” Like girl even Alicent pointed out how most ladies would have no more than two choices and that’s if they are lucky as they may only have one. You literally had a suitor tour and squandered it, just ending it early (this is in part why I don’t feel as bad when she is married off to Laenor, since she had plenty of options to choose from)
-Alicent and Rhaenyra are shown to be close again, perhaps not as close as the first two episodes but much more than last episode. You could argue time heals all wounds and it just makes sense the bridge would be softened a little though still this is where one or two of the cut scenes could have been really helpful and added so much to their development.
-This episode is focused on its theme of sexuality and marriage and the differences in how it affects men and women. First between Daemon and Rhaenyra’s initial different conclusions, where she was funny enough initially right (within the context of the patriarchal society of Westeros) of her not being able to do what she wants even after she weds one person while Daemon and many a prince can have quite the number of mistresses and whores without being socially or politically sanctioned. Then of course the clear parallel in scenes between Rhaenyra being out and about in the more sexually liberated inner city, while Alicent being forced to perform her duty even if she might not want to personally (I felt so bad for her during that scene). This thematic framework is something that of course as a modern viewer we would agree with, that patriarchal society is built in hypocrisy, and many times still is in our own world.
That being said I cannot use said conclusion to jump to support Rhaenyra’s actions in this episode obviously. The system is broken but for the time being she just needed to operate by it just because of everything that is at stake with her position, but more importantly how her actions affected everyone else. Because of her lie she got Otto a competent and loyal man dismissed as Hand despite him just telling Viserys the hard truth (yes before I get the pedantic argument “well they didn’t really do it” they may not fully done it but that was the intention clearly the intention even going as far as the fire play and Rhaenyra’s being disrobed. As far as the standards of this world go, that is still enough for her virtue to be questioned as even Viserys and Alicent point out, and also if you want to be pedantic “Daemon never touched me” is a lie since Daemon quite literally touched her sexually. But I digress, it also will later on next episode as we will see affect Otto and Alicent’s relationship, due to poor Alicent trying to defend her friend who she still think’s innocent. In the end it even affects her own life, as Viserys makes her marry Laenor, a good match on paper but a gay man who she will have trouble making s child down the line and eventually the whole mistake sequence of Strong Boys she will have, when all of this could have been avoided by her realizing both the disadvantages for sure but also advantages she had at the start of the episode with things like the literal suitor tour
-After the whole Daemon sneak out, of course she tries to seduce Criston Cole. Regardless of team how people still misinterpret this scene is beyond me. Yes Cole is an older guy while Rhaenyra is a younger woman, but the power dynamics are significantly in her favor due to her position as princess. She is the person that gave him everything he is, as Ser Criston so clearly pointed out last episode, and the Targaryens are literally seen as closer to Gods than men, it makes sense why he would feel the need to go along with it. We see him tell her no initially and even when he does consent, Fabien does such a great job conveying the hesitation and fear ass he does, and later the regret and shame the scene the next day. This doesn’t completely excuse him from his part in this mistake, but clearly when we analyze the scene through these dynamics, it paints a very clear picture. While I am on this subject, at the end of the episode Maester Mellos brings her some moon tea, and then it ends with a frame of her looking saddened and disappointed at it, but like literally even if you didn’t had sex with Daemon, you still did with Cole, honestly how the thought of Moon Tea coming into the equation didn’t come into your head first is beyond me…
Sorry if my post isn’t well articulated, as i go along more into these episodes I get more and more frustrated with Viserys and Rhaenyra Lmao

I am looking for someone fun (age 25 min) to be friends and eventually grow close to over time. Someone who I can spend a lot of time with doing the following things on a daily basis:
-spam games (PC only): league (arams (big plus if you aram!)/tft/norms), destiny 2, last epoch, crab champions, pico park, fall guys, gunfire reborn, risk of rain 2, super animal royale, golf with friends, terraria, escape simulator, it takes two, minecraft, diablo 3, etc (happy to play other games if they seem fun). - Please, please play league and destiny 2 and carry me <3
-chill on discord when bored (we can do our own things - its completely fine or we can stream games for eachother). At the end of the day, we can wind down together until we go to sleep. If you have a nice voice, that's a huge plus!
-watch anime/movies/youtube videos/tv shows (I'll watch anything but horror - no scary pls lol)
-share/listen to music (ideally, we'd play some music as background while gaming. we could also share/trade music - i like doing this too) My taste in music: 80s, 90s, rock, alternative, pop, dance, electro, mix of everything else. Music I don't prefer: jazz, blues, most rap, most country.
-If you WFH (like myself) it would be great if we could keep each other company during the work days.
-winding down the nights together before we go to sleep and being a safe space for each other is super important to me.
Please reply with a bit about you and what games you have in common (at least 2 games in common)
Please have a sense of humor.
Please be willing to talk/put in effort into a conversation.
I prefer someone who wants to be close and look for something more down the line. Someone who likes clingyness and is a bit possessive is a plus.
Summary: I am looking for a consistent/meaninfuly/genuine friendship. Someone who becomes my go-to friend/gamer person and I become theirs. If this leads to something more down the line, that's fine but it's not a must have.
Based on the replies I got on the last post, it seems I have to set some basic human and personal standards:
-No married or taken guys - I do not mess with other people's relationships and I wouldnt want anyone to mess with mine. I have more respect that than - if you're not happy in your relationship, please talk it out with your s/o or seek help! I'm not your answer.
-PC Only!! Please don't message me if you don't even own a PC. This is straight forward.
-Please have a normal sense of your life together - working/can put in effort, know what you want in life, mostly positive attitude -- if you've been at home for 10+ years because you have anxiety and this affects the fact you cannot be on discord with me while we game because it causes you more stress, I'm not the person for you!!
-If you reply with just a Hey/Hello and nothing else, I'm not replying. This post has effort, you put in effort. You can send me angry messages all you want for not responding. This will not change the fact that if 0 or minimum effort was made as an introduction, I'm not responding.
-If you are below 25 and looking for a 'Mommy' type, I cannot help you. Please look elsewhere.
Best of luck!

I have a small friends group , 3 people .
2 of them are cousins and the third one is very close to them .
I have been struggling a lot because each person seems to bring people who dislike me for no reason at all .
The first friend the guy we normally hang in his house a lot , brings a female cousin who was divorced and she literally dislikes me a lot , she gets very well with the other 2 friends because they flirt with her low key or try to act tough and funny .
Something I don’t care about because i don’t want her approval to be myself .
2nd group is the 2nd friend , he recently moved with his parents to a new house and whenever we hang around his house , his father strictly avoids me and avoids eye contact with me (his father acts as if he’s his friend) .
He also brings a guy he works with at the car repair shop who has a kid and a wife , and this guy also strictly disliked me , he mentioned the first time we met “ oh who is this “good boy” “ as if me being a bit quit is a sign of weakness for him , since then i can just feel the dislike from him .
I don’t think I’m a disliked person, I think what’s happening is these low achievers look at me doing a college degree in stem and just dislike me for their low personality .
My 3 friends are good people and we normally have fun when we hang put together alone , but whenever a new person comes in I cannot find myself to blend in in a good way and unfortunately in a lot of cases some dislike me .
I wanna know how to deal with the people that dislike me without being looked down upon as “weak” or “good boy” .
I normally just stay quite and stay on my phone but they seem to wanna use it as a weakness and they start laughing and ask “ why is this guy so quite” or “ how come you guys are friends with such a quite guy” .

This’ll be a rather mundane vent on a non-dramatic breakup. I’m posting this as a method of self reflection to help cope.
I (40sM) dated her (40sF) for about six months exclusively, and I suppose this is around the time most relationships either progress or fizzle. Truth be told, I haven’t been thrilled with the relationship for the last few months, so this is likely a blessing in disguise. Still, it hurts.
We met on Bumble, she reached out first, and we had a six hour date the next day. We had a lot of differences - I have no kids (she’s a single mom of 2), I’m into fitness/martial arts (she walks and gardens), I’m a nerd/gamereadetech geek (she’s not any of those things). But we were both introverts, and we laughed a lot together. Since that first date, we were exclusive and spent a lot of time together. I loved her wit, she loved animals, and things seemed really fun at first.
The struggles began early. Even though I appear rather “masculine” (muscly, tattooed, ex Marine)…I’m actually quite sensitive. If you’re into MBTI, I’m an INFJ - A. She is quite clear in telling people that she’s insensitive, doesn’t have time for feelings, and can’t process her own. This should’ve been the first red flag where I cut and run. But I didn’t. I figured we’d talk through any issues that came up. I’ve been through therapy, have read self improvement/relationship counseling books, and I’ve done a lot of self work. She was very clear about the importance of stating issues and concerns clearly, and I like that.
Our relationship followed that standard, typical template of mismatched temperaments - things were great until a conflict. She’d do something insensitive, I’d get hurt, I’d try to talk it out, and she’d get explosively, angrily defensive - and completely unaware (or uncaring) of how that’d impact me. Sometimes it’d happen right away, other times we’d appear to have a calm discussion…only for me to get lashed out at the next day after she’d had time to think. She was blindly focused on being “right”, instead of understanding or compromise. Another red flag.
I wasn’t blameless - I can be overly sensitive, as she liked to tell me, and I enjoy semi frequent communication in between visits. We’d see each other on the weekends, and I wanted to stay connected during the week with texts. She felt put off by that, and would go a day or so without responding. When I brought it up, she’d get angry and say “I just don’t miss you that much during the week - I’m independent and I don’t need consistent communication”. Again, another clear sign of incompatibility. I need to pay attention to these things.
She felt smothered, I felt disconnected. So I pulled back, texted less, and kept my feelings to myself. I supported her through some big changes, and kept quiet about my own wants. Things went GREAT when I did that, as you can imagine. I tried to just focus on enjoying our time together, while pulling myself back when apart. I thought it might be good for me.
I should mention the dynamic of our relationship at this point. It was sorta…one-sided. She left the “honeymoon period” quicker than I did, and I became the driver for things. I also paid for most dates, cooked meals for her, drove her around (because she drove her kids all week)…she enjoyed me “taking care of her”. She introduced me to her friends (at her request), I’d help her with gardening and home projects, and I even helped her with work problems. Our conversations were primarily her venting and complaining. We live apart, and we spent weekends at her place because it’s bigger, has her dog, and it’s more private. My place is smaller, I have cats, and a roommate. I didn’t mind this arrangement - I enjoyed her company, she was affectionate, and we laughed a lot.
She never showed much of an interest in my things, to the point of “yeah, I hate gaming/am not a readethat’s kid stuff”. We did binge GoT, which I appreciated. She never expressed interest in my friends, who are also nerdy gamer friends. She’d offer to meet them if I wanted, but I never pushed it because she didn’t seem enthusiastic. I figured if she wanted to meet my friends, or stay at my place, she’d ask. Because she was always clear about “just say what you want”.
I’m sad, so I’m painting a one-sided picture here. I should note the fun times we had. We went to Vegas for a weekend, did E, and had a great time. I took her house sitting to my family’s beautiful coastal home, and we visited some of my childhood haunts and botanical gardens (she’s a plant fanatic). We took the train to a beach town, and spent a long weekend smoking pot and eating. We hiked, we took a lot of walks, we’d get stoned and watch laser shows. We’d wear pajamas, smoke pot, and binge tv while cooking stupid food.
She also has a lot of lovely characteristics. She’s hilarious and witty, she’s really intelligent about her hobbies/work, she’s very devoted to her friends and family, and she’s beautiful. She’d be considerate in small ways - picking up things at the store, etc. She also had a really busy life - two teens, a full time job, and a tight social/family circle. I never distrusted her, never worried about cheating or any of that stuff. She wasn’t physically affectionate, but would try to be because it’s important to me. She’d compliment me and say nice things.
She wasn’t a bad partner, and neither was I. But months of me keeping quiet about my feelings, recognizing her waning enthusiasm, and feeling dissatisfied in the relationship came to a head this weekend. I had some weird, confusing feelings about feeling taken advantage of, or at least putting in more effort than her - I wanted to process it more, but she wanted to talk. We had, what I thought, was a calm and open discussion. I never said that I don’t appreciate her, and I thought I reassured her. It seemed fine, I left, texting was fine.
Next morning she called me and dumped me. She pointed out all the things she done “for me”, like introducing me to her friends (I never asked for that, and I was generally excluded/ignored at gatherings), including me in her gardening (I don’t care about gardening, I took an interest to connect with her), spending weekends together (I also spent MY weekends with her, at her place, because she was more comfortable there). She got quite mad at the idea of me paying for things and driving, stating “I’ve never paid for any of my meals on a date”. She claimed I never let her into my life, introduced her to my friends, etc. She felt unappreciated, and like I was going to keep score.
I was shocked at her anger. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and if all these things were on her mind…why didn’t she communicate them? Had she asked, i would’ve scheduled a friend meet that week! I would’ve told her not to bother introducing me to her friends if she viewed it as a “favor” to me. Hell, any grievance she communicated in the past was dealt with immediately and decisively by me…so she knows I don’t fuck around.
She said she was done, I didn’t want to end things in an ugly manner so I told her I loved her, she’s a beautiful person, and I hope she finds what she wants. I sent a final text apologizing for any hurt, and other kind things. She sent a LONG, dumping text basically shitting on me. I sent another kind “I’m sorry for any hurt I caused, you’re a wonderful person, I wish you well”. Then I blocked her.
It’s like a gut punch. I know I could’ve handled things better, and she definitely could’ve. It’s clear that she wanted a low maintenance partner, and I wanted a reciprocal equal partner. She needs to do some work on her temper and conflict issues, and I need to be more discerning and aware of red flags early.
Thank you for reading, it helps to write this all down.

I had a wonderful childhood. I couldn't have asked for a better one. My parents, brother, family, ... so much love in my life.
As I got older, I started to become exposed to the harsh realities of life. The people closest to me and the ones I loved the most started to get sick and pass away. I lost my dog. Life wasnt the same. And later, was diagnosed with Crohns which had a massive impact on my life and self confidence. I felt like a lab rat.. so many tests, doctor visits, medicine, diets, needles, ... eventually extensive surgery.
Luckily, after years of torture, I made it out ok. I started to build back my confidence, and was optimistic about the future. Before I knew it, I met the love of my life. I felt so extremely lucky to have you in my life. It felt like a dream. I felt that after all that pain and loss, I had finally had something good happen to me.
As time we on, we became best friends. You confessed your love to me, said I was different than all the rest, and you saw a future with me. You expressed how special I was to you. I felt the same way.
We met eachothers families, who became so close with eachother. I truly loved your family, they felt like home. My family loved you so much... my parents loved you like a daughter, and I knew you loved them too. We had everyone's support and love. We were the golden couple. We grew and experiences so much together. Bought our first house, saw the world, new jobs, school, ... Everyone was so proud of us, and we were proud of eachother.
Somewhere along the way, you started seeking outside the relationship for attention. I knew you were very social, so at first, I was happy to see you making friends. I knew you had a difficult childhood and past, and didn't have many good friends, so I was very supportive and encouraged you to do things with your friends.
We were inseparable. Always going things together, planning trips, going on adventures. Everything was easy. We enjoyed eachothers company so much. We made eachother laugh, feel loved, and safe. We were so comfortable and open, goofy with eachother, and always so intimate.
We shared a lot of the same hobbies: plants/garden, camping, trails, video games, movies, travel, outdoors, relaxing at home, ... it didn't seem to matter what we were doing, we were happy together.
I loved making you smile and laugh. I loved seeing you happy doing what you loved, or eating a meal I'd prepare for you.
I always wanted you to have the best. Since you were in school, I provided for you. Food, toys, restaurants, trips, ... whatever you wanted. I wanted to give you the world. It felt so good to make you happy.
You would tease me and hint towards wanting to get engaged. After 3 years, it happened. We were so happy, and you were so excited and happy to share the big news. We started planning our wedding, moved into a bigger house, new jobs, everything felt good.
I never expected to love someone so much. This young woman brought so much love, happiness, and adventure into my life. She completed changed everything. Everything was so easy.. effortless.. felt right.
When we moved into your dream home, things became more stressful. The house needed a lot of work, as well as the property. Regardless, we were willing and eager to tackle projects together and were excited to make things our own.
As time went on, and school/work seemed to become more stressful for you, I was left finishing a lot of our projects and maintaining them by myself. I also stepped up and started trying to take on more of the chores and responsibilities so that you could focus on school/work and still have time to relax. I was happy to help give you some relief.
After a few months, your brother asked to be our roommate for a time. I was hesitant, but you encouraged me that it would be a good thing. He would pay and help around the house. At first, it was nice. However, as time we on, it became more and more stressful.
The stress of doing everything and having a roommate that didn't mesh well with us overwhelmed me. I knew it was temporary, so I endured it.
One day, you came home from your new job and expressed what a good day you had.. that you had the chance to work with a different doctor, and that he was very fun and nice. I was so happy to hear it, since I knew you hadn't been having good days and people had been difficult. I was glad you seemed to have a mentor.
You started to have more good days than bad, working with this person more and more. You started talking to me about them more, sharing things you learned and talked with him about. As time went on, I started to feel a bit jealous. You had been spending more time with this person than me... your shifts were long, and I hadn't been seeing you as much. You started even talking to our parents about this person.
I started to notice you texting him while we were at home together. I'd ask, and you'd happily share whatever it was you guys were talking about. One evening, you were texting this doctor late at night. I approached you about this, and expressed how it was making me feel. I felt that it had started to become too much, and wasn't appropriate. I didn't like the idea of this older married man communicating with my young fiance so much. I expressed that I was happy that you had a friend at work, but felt that it was becoming too personal and inappropriate. You tried to reassure me that you were just friends, and that he was old and married, you would never be attracted to him. I stood firm and expressed that I would like for you to only communicate while at work, or for work related matters. You agreed and assured me it was nothing.
As time went on, I noticed you would sometimes hide your phone, turn it away, flip it upside down, or turn it off as I walked by. At first, I thought it was just me being paranoid. But as time went on, it started to mess with my head... otherwise, everything was good, so I told myself it was nothing. You started to enjoy that type of work and decided to join his practice. I was happy you were able to make up your mind and find something you enjoyed. Time went on. At some point, you needed an invasive procedure done... and you requested that doctor complete it. I didn't love the idea, but you preferred to have someone do it that you trusted. After that, the doctor seemed to be a thing of the past.
As the wedding date approached, the excitement increased. We had everything planned out and we were so excited for our big day. I saw how happy you were throughout the whole process. I couldn't believe our big day was right around the corner.
Our wedding was like a dream. Everything came together so nicely. We had the best night of our lives. I loved seeing you so happy with our friends and family there to celebrate with us. We went on a wonderful honeymoon and I felt so loved and appreciated.
Once we returned home, our roommate left, and stress started to decrease dramatically in the house. I was so relieved. You finished school, graduated, and I threw you a big surprise party to celebrate. I had always put together parties for all your special occasions, and I knew you really appreciated that. After so many nights helping you study, it felt wonderful to see you walk across that stage and finally finish.
You shortly after moved to a different hospital, and seemed to really like your new job and everyone there. Life was so good...
The house and our list of responsibilities and all the maintenance was still a lot, but I felt we were quickly starting to knock things off our list.
One week, you started working a lot... I hardly saw you that week. We'd always text and check in, saying we loved eachother, missed eachother, and looked forward to seeing eachother. When the weekend finally arrived, you had mentioned your best friend invited you to join her for girl time. I realized you hadn't seen her much lately and encouraged it.
That weekend, my grandmother had been struggling. I felt alone in our big house and had wished you were there. We checked in on eachother while you were gone. I was expecting you to return one evening, so I had dinner prepared. I was hurt when you didn't arrive and decided to stay another night with your friend.
When I saw you the next morning, I was feeling pretty down. I was already sad about my grandmother, but also felt like an after thought that week. You were so happy to see me, which was nice. We had a nice evening, spent time together, .. you never stopped telling me you loved me.
The next day after work, I got home, and you seemed so cold and distant. You seemed bothered by something. I checked in, asked if you needed anything, then went about my day. It seemed like you wanted space. I checked in every few hours, and you were busy doing something on your laptop.
I prepared dinner and started watching TV. I encouraged you to take a break, eat, and relax some before bed. You joined me on the couch, but was quiet and explained that you had some work to finish.
As it got late, I went up to bed. You explained you'd be up a little longer while you finished your work. As the hours went by, I thought it was so odd that you weren't in bed yet. I knew you had to get up early... sleep was always such a priority. I got up to check on you and to get some water. You were still on your laptop.. I noticed you were looking at rooms to something. I encouraged you to get some sleep. You joined me, looking exhausted.
We cuddled, said we loved eachother, then fell asleep. The next morning, I finished getting ready for work while you slept. As I was getting ready to leave, I sae your laptop. I decided to check and see what you were looking at... another air bnb for a trip? I was curious. We shared the laptop, so I didn't feel like I was invading her privacy.
I opened the laptop and saw apartments. I was so confused. I checker her email.. apartments. I noticed she had Facebook messenger up with recent messages. I checked... my world turned upside down. Those seconds felt like eternity as my heart sounded and my stomach sank. I read a message to a friend saying she wanted a divorce, never loved me, felt like a stranger in her house, dreaded coming home to me, ... that she loved a doctor.. he's married, but his wife is a lesbian. That was easily the worst moment of my life. I panicked and didn't know what to do... I was in shock. After a few minutes, I decided to address this with you.
I quietly walked up the stairs, sat on the edge of the bed, and calmly woke you up. You were sleepy, asking why I woke up.. you still had about 30m before work. I apologized for waking you.. As I looked at you silently, I started to cry. I quietly said "I know...". "I saw the messages". She looked back at me in shock.. eyes wide in the dark. I asked if she had been having an affair. She said no.. then started to look at me as if I wad a stranger. It was a terrible feeling.
You got up to get ready for work, and said we'd talk later that evening. You left. I was standing in the driveway and felt sick. I wasn't sure if I could make it to work.. but being at the house was making me feel worse, so I left. I didn't eat anything that while day. While at work, I prepared myself for our talk.
When we both got home, you pulled up to the house and started to pack some things while I sat on the couch. When you finally joined me, you were quiet.. asked about my day, I asked about yours.. then more silence. I asked what you needed from me. You explained that you were feeling very anxious, and didn't want me to get upset. You said you were going to stay with a friend for a few days to clear your head and wanted to talk once we were both rested.
You left for almost a week while I stayed in our big empty house, taking care of our pets, and completely confused and dead inside. I hardly ate or slept. I desperately started reading and watching whatever information I could find to help explain what was happening and to prepare myself. I spent most of my time thinking, reflecting on our life. I started tonrealize how stressed I had been... and thought about all the things I should/could have done differently. I knew I treated her so well, but no one is perfect.
Looking back, I started to think about all the red flags. Love is blind. I truly loved, trusted, and cared for this person more than anyone in the world. I thought she felt the same way... I never imagined us seperating.
I started to think of that doctor she used to talk about.. and realized she probably never stopped talking to him. I started to realize that my wife had stopped opening up to me... was no longer emotional or vulnerable... her emotional? affair started to kill the emotional intimacy between us.
I was happy just to have her in my life and enjoyed just being with her... she never expressed or talked about being unhappy... if I had known, I feel certain that we could have fixed whatever was lacking. I would have met whichever needs werent being met.
Were you lonely while I was busy working hard for us? Was she bored? I would have happily planned more outings... whenever I suggested something, you expressed that you were tired or didn't show interest. I knew you enjoyed time alone, so I never felt bad doing my own thing. I figured you would tell me of you needed or felt something...
I was so confused... started to question what was real. When did this all start? Why? How? Terrible thoughts entered my mind... so many late shifts, staying the night at the hospital, leaving early to get the air bnbs ready, ...
I also realized that towards the end, you had suddenly started to listen to different music, got a nose piercing, tattoo, talked about signing up for a sport, working out, ... these were all things I knew you had wanted to do for awhile, but it was all so sudden.
Why didn't you ever communicate... I recall you expressing your concern with my stress, but nothing else. I felt that my stress was reasonable considering everything I was doing.. and knew it was temporary. I didn't ignore it though. I saw a therapist, and started making changes. Was it all too late?
When we finally spoke again, it was so nice to just see you. We sat and you were so friendly and sweet - it reassured me that everything was going to be ok. We made small talk and joked, which immediately lightened the mood. You suggested I spoke first. I expressed my feelings and how important the marriage was.. that I'd so anything to save it. I took responsibility for my side of things and expressed the changes I had made and would continue to make. When you started, you expressed that you would always cherish our time together, but we're set on divorce. That we both deserved to be truly happy. Shortly after, you left.
The days after, you started packing your things while I was at work. I was living in a big empty house, every day getting more and more empty. I was a complete mess living in hell. Her family started to reach out to me and shower me with support, apologies, and disbelief. No one could make sense of this.
After a week or so, I couldn't take it any more, so I moved to stay with my parents while we finished moving out. I attempted to stay cordile through all this. You seemed so unphased and happy... texting me and talking to me like we were still best friends.
You explained that you felt bad for saying you never loved me... that you did, but not in the way a wife should love their husband. That it could be years, but in the future, I could count on you.
As time went on, and the pain increased, I was more distant. You texted more and more. Finally, I suggested that we limit communication unless she was interested in working on our marriage.
As the days went by, you grew colder and irritated.. I started to feel like the bad guy. I know you started to feel the weight of your decisons, and starred to project onto me. Making me the bad guy made you feel better. I attempted to end things on a good note... being helpful throughout the move out process, but you were so cold. It hurt so much... 5 wonderful years tossed aside like it never mattered.
I havent talked to you in weeks... I miss my best friend, my love, your family, our pets, and the wonderful life we built. I'm left trying to pickup the pieces. I feel so lost, confused, broken, ...
The tremendous amount of support I've gotten from both sides has helped a lot. I'm seeing a therapist, reading a lot, eating more, working out, and focusing on my self. The days are getting better, but I still have days where I am a mess.
I havent been sleeping well... always tired. Waking up several times, terrible nightmares and thoughts of you being with another man... I still have believe you would be capable of all this.. of hurting me so much.
I have urges to reach out to you... wanting to fix this, that there must be a misunderstanding... there are so many things I'd like to say. I got complacent and comfortable during our time together. I stopped doing the little things as often as I used to... I never meant to hurt you, make you feel lonely, unloved, unappreciated, ... whatever it is you felt. It's difficult for me to accept that my sweet innocent wife was capable of this... surely there was a reason?? I was just so caught up in my list of things... I was working so hard for our future.
I feel like my wife was manipulated by this man... why does an older doctor (20 years older) have a lesbian wife? He doesn't love her like she seems to think... he is using her. I feel sorry for her... I know there is no future there.
I've done a lot of reading on Attachment Styles, Limerence, love addiction, and other things that come as a result of childhood trauma. I feel like a lot of this has to do with her trauma... but also her selfishness and emotional immaturity. There is nothing I can do. I just pray she figures things out on her own, finds longlasting happiness, and puts an end to this cycle.
I would love it if we were able to reconnect in the future... I still deeply love and care for her. I don't want our story to end... none of this feels right. My gut is screaming that this is all wrong. I just know we both need to work on ourselves for the time being.
One day I had it all, the next, it crashed down before my eyes. Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me... you leaving was the worst. You rushed out of my life so quickly... I wish things were different.

We take seats at a meeting table in the castle, Princess Jiakyn taking a seat first, then Seirialia, Tyrelia, Trenon, Lankensy and Kyrem, then the castle commanders who are quite surprised by presence of princess in their castle, and lastly Jakan and I take seats.
'Alright, explain then.' Lankensy says calmly to Princess Jiakyn. I wish I could have talked to Jakan about her before we sat down.
'Well, it took some persuasion for me to make the journey here. I am not going to just learn with theory, I need something to practice on and I have spell ideas that I want to try out.' Princess Jiakyn says calmly and in persuasive tone. Jakan and I looked into each others eyes for a moment, Jakan looks very concerned and, really wanted to say something but, chose to stay quiet.
'This is a war zone, and there is a good reason why there is a travel ban in this zone too.' Kyrem says straightly without hesitation.
'All the more reason for me to be here, the soldiers would need my presence, so that they know that their efforts will not be thrown away and that they will be remembered.' Princess Jiakyn states in honest tone.
'Do you really believe that you are ready to witness horrors of war?' Jakan asks calmly and interested to Princess' answer. For a moment she looked unsure and slightly insulted that Jakan was the one to ask the question, she looked at others present and even at me. She noticed that all of people here agree with Jakan's question.
'I do.' Princess Jiakyn says with slight hesitation.
'Bold answer, I know it is rude of me to question you, but, know this, I have already vowed that. It is either life, or death, that will carry on. I have seen those horrors myself, I have even fought and executed my own brother in arms. There are good reasons why the castle commanders and heroes of the riven war agreed with why I asked.' Jakan states, not entirely convinced but, willing to guide, guard, shelter, save and teach Princess Jiakyn, if the heroes of the riven war allow.
'How do you have such confidence in the words you have spoken? Ghaudunian.' Princess Jiakyn asks after glancing at all present here.
'As I am a Ghaudunian, I have good grasp of both active and passive effects of dark arcane on people. I have warred against undead before the war, I have seen the horrors, faced sorrowing defeats and lived through moments of triumph. Here, there is only death, life and struggle. One of the heroes of riven war, has met me before the war.' Jakan replies without hesitation and puts weight on his words.
'He was one of the groundskeepers of the Ghaudunian academy which I studied at. Draconian is a brave, stalwart and a dominant figure cast from metal and forged from war. Not many survived from the beginning, to the end of the war. When he speaks of facing undead, it is for your better that you listen.' Seirialia says with honesty.
'You have spoken well, draconian. Although, I have a feeling that my presence here is not exactly welcome.' Princess Jiakyn states to Jakan.
'Not only have we caused a diplomatic and political scandal, I do fear that the undead would make you a priority target to capture. These are not feral or dark arcane maddened undead we are facing, somebody is organizing this affair.' Jakan replies calmly and shows the maps. Princess asked for a confirmation from heroes of the riven war and castle commanders.
'Jakan speaks the truth, I personally witnessed his victory over a revenant champion. His sword is fine, as is his mind for war. Such a destructive figure of battle, are rare and continuing to survive. Surely one of the finest retainers of the shadowy ones.' Salgi states with respect.
'Not only is he strong but, also has knack for dueling. Tied with Lankensy before his victory in a mock duel. Ages like finest wine, princess. I know and understand your distrust towards the Ghaudunians but, in this matter. There are no nations.' Kyrem states with respect.
'What about you? You must be a junior agent.' Princess Jiakyn says heeding the words of to be her people, one day. She asks from me.
'I am indeed a junior agent, it is thanks to me that we know some specifics of who plausibly are behind this. Where my senior, is a cliff breaker, I am his eyes and ears, where he is not. I am new to the organization, but, our lords strongly believed that my skills would only benefit your nation's grand effort on solving this crisis, which is why I am here.' Speak out my purpose of being here to her.
Princess Jiakyn listened very carefully what I said. Closing her eyes to ponder, she nodded and opened her eyes again. That eye color has to be rare for people of Valerie, pink and yellow. Her physical stature, isn't ideal for war but, if she is at least one quarter of Seirialia's skill in arcane. She most certainly would make a difference.
'Alright. I will place my trust on both of you. I believe you are both here to help.' Princess Jiakyn says to me and Jakan. I feel mildly relieved, still, her presence here is double edged matter, I sense she is mildly overconfident but, worse is that she is untested. 'What are your plans for today?' Princess Jiakyn asks in her usual tone of, slightly confident and strong.
'We do need to escort the supply caravan to the town to the north and north west. Right now, we need mages that can heal wounds and work as secondary ranged units. Princess Jiakyn, may I request your presence at the town?' Lankensy asks, this would be both perfect opportunity to bolster morale of the citizens of the town but, also place a target on her back though... Lankensy looks into eyes of Jakan and I.
I think I understand his intentions, Jakan to act as part of the caravan guard and, maybe send me ahead to scout whether it is safe for the princess to enter... Smart man. Jakan ponders what Lankensy tried to indicate to him.
'From what I have heard, the town was in terrible danger previously, what has changed?' Princess Jiakyn asks mildly surprised of Lankensy's proposal.
Castle commanders brief Princess Jiakyn of the situation. Northern sectors of the castle to the town are pretty much back in control of Valerie. She smiles warmly of hearing these news. 'What about you heroes? What are you going to do while this is on going?' Princess Jiakyn asks.
'Kyrem, Tyrelia. Do you two think you can go with me to the town as escorts for the supply caravan?' Lankensy asks after thinking about the situation for a moment.
'This makes sense, we are going to need only good fighters just in case we get intercepted.' Kyrem says, Tyrelia nods in agreement.
'We are quite busy here already. The mages will provide a lot of help in healing these people, I need your assistance too, lady Seirialia.' Trenon says calmly.
'After seeing the slugging match yesterday, I agree with you, Trenon. The more we can help to recover sooner, the better.' Seirialia says, well, that's that for the plans of actually getting to know the heroes of the riven war better.
'What do you want us to do meanwhile then?' Jakan asks pondering how Lankensy is going to answer his question.
'I was planning on having you part of the security convoy and have Volarie check the town for anything suspicious.' Lankensy replies calmly.
'Hmm... Solid thinking. I wouldn't be able to avoid attention in a city. Are you okay with this plan? Princess Jiakyn.' Jakan says calmly.
Jiakyn thinks for a while. 'I do not have objections. When do we depart?' Princess Jiakyn asks somewhat excited to get started.
'It will take a while for the supplies required for the castle to be unloaded. No thoughts on what to do while it is on going...' Lankensy states thinking about the matter.
'How about getting to know each other then?' Princess Jiakyn proposes warmly and innocently. She has some ulterior motives that I can speculate but, no way I am voicing them here, I believe Jakan is thinking the same.
'Well, there isn't really anything else better to do.' Tyrelia says with content tone.
'All of the forces required for the convoy are being amassed as the time goes by anyway.' Kyrem says with a neutral tone, not being for or against the idea.
'A sound idea, I would like to get to know you better, Jakan. Warrior like you, along with the past you have had, must have quite tales to share.' Lankensy says, interested to talk with Jakan. I am guessing that he looks to learn, both history and combat from him.
Very easy to see from Jakan's expression that he is thinking about it. 'You have remained silent for the most of the talk, young agent. Is something bothering you?' Princess Jiakyn asks, warmly and calmly. I can see why people would feel warmly about her.
'At the moment, there aren't really any concerns. As the younger agent, I chose that, my senior agent handles most of the conversations with both of us present and back his words.' Reply to her calmly and partially choosing to elaborate the dynamic between me and Jakan.
'We do have the time since everything for today was already discussed yesterday. Princess, if I may be allowed to be direct with you. I would like to comment on your decision.' Jakan says calmly requesting an allowance to be open to her.
'You may say what is on your mind senior agent.' Princess Jiakyn replies calmly.
'I believe your heart is in the right place when you came here but, I fear for your safety of being here. As you already know, our most recent victory which has secured north east and north of the castle, has very likely escalated the conflict. I have strong suspicions that, once enemy agents in or outside of the castle find out of your presence here, you will be a high value target, which could swing this conflict into favor of our common enemy.' Jakan states humbly and professionally.
'I believe in my people to be wise to not choose such action, and that you agents. Will spare no effort in thwarting any action taken against me.' Princess Jiakyn replies confidently.
'It is just us two here, no more, no less. Princess, I believe I am stretching your willingness to hear those, once your opponents word's but, I plea that you will seek council of the heroes of the riven war when you are making decisions of where to apply yourself. Our combined presence most likely has already set the rumors running, which is my secondary concern.' Jakan says with consideration and caution.
'Your concerns are certainly reasonable, agent Jakan. Once the information of why you are here and involved with our war against the undead, such rumors should no longer be of concern. I will take your plea into consideration.' Princess Jiakyn says calmly, I quickly glance at Jakan, who is, not all that convinced but, fears overstepping his influence, so chooses to just nod deeply to Princess Jiakyn.
Castle commanders speak with Princess Jiakyn and after talking for a while. The private talk is over and we all go take our positions to be ready for the convoy's departure to the town. Lankensy and Jakan go to talk slightly further away from Princess Jiakyn, Kyrem and me.
She could be trying her luck on find out more about me than I am willing to share or about our organization. To my surprise, slightly to my own happiness. 'From what I have heard from my friends, your past was a rather ugly one, societally. I know some deeds of those whose name is Volarie.' Kyrem states to open the conversation.
'I remember reading about my name, how terrifying the weight of it is, certainly explained a lot of the treatment I received. What do you know?' Reply to him calmly, keeping my happiness hidden from him.
'A ghaudunian self learned rogue, who stole, murdered and misdirected Ghaudun in the past, to aid Valerie in all ways possible. This rogue was finally cornered by Ghaudunian guards and some army personnel, chose to take it's own life, than ever reveal anything to it's fellow countrymen. I read some about his exploits, what a scoundrel... Part of me wonders what part will you play.' Kyrem speaks what he knows, his face is masked by the whole head helmet he wears.
'Know that it will not be as anything grandeur as those who came before me, I intend on keeping the home I have. There won't be one like it.' Say with light seriousness.
'Your lords chose wisely to adopt you into their order, you must not have taken the news lightly.' Kyrem replies, referring to my blood, human and dragon in nature.
'It shocked me, part of me wanted to run, part of me wanted to very much not believe it... I had those rumors myself. When I was introduced my new part of my family, it changed me, in all ways, for the better.' Say with warmth. Princess Jiakyn looks confused but, I as expected, she realized quite quickly.
'You have blood of a dragon of Ghaudun?' Princess Jiakyn asks mildly shocked by the realization, even if it isn't all of it.
'Yes, it was a battle accident. We believe primary target was the one whose blood I share. I became a secondary target, just because of proximity. Investigation is still on, we do not have answers yet.' Reply to her calmly.
'I have read about the tales of those who have dragon blood, few even have written book or two. Variety of those tales is, as large as backgrounds and jobs they did before the discovery. You have blood of a shadow dragon?' Princess Jiakyn asks, tone telling that she is interested to hear more.
'I do. Never believed that something like this would happen to me, but, here I am. Ever since the day of meeting him, my life has become a lot better.' Reply in content tone.
'Volarie. I will be quite interested on reading what you have written of your life. Have you learned anything special from the mixing of the blood?' Princess Jiakyn asks excited to hear. Briefly, I smile cunningly to her and then vanish into a shadow before her and Kyrem's very eyes.
'Seirialia told me of your abilities, now, I most certainly believe her...' Kyrem says with slight shock and awe in his voice, as I just stand mixed into the shadows, there, but, not there.
'Learning from the artists and masters of dark arcane, most certainly must have helped. I have read about this ability but, never expected to witness it with my own eyes. Your life most certainly went through a great change...' Princess Jiakyn says with respect, awe and some admiration.
I appear from the embrace of the shadows and stand confidently. 'They most certainly taught me well, I feared the dark arcane, they taught me how to use it and imparted knowledge which helped me greatly to never again fear it. Now I dance with the light and dark as easily as I breathe.' Reply warmly and staying humble.
'You are still young, the best is, it is only upwards from here for you. Envious of you I am, I have only began to understand the other arcanes.' Princess Jiakyn says being open about her emotions to an extent.
'Know that it wasn't easy but, even my teachers admitted that they were somewhat surprised how I was responding to their teachings, even with the struggles here and there.' Reply to her calmly and remembering some of those times.
'It is the only arcane you are adept at?' Princess Jiakyn asks, somewhat doubtful of my words.
'It is, during the Riven War, many of the talents, both dragon and non-dragon were lost, one way or another. They said that, I have a knack for some specific areas of dark arcane, they would have been interested to see what potential I have with the other arcanes but, many of the shadow dragons agreed that having me here, along with Jakan, is the best combination.' Explain to Princess Jiakyn calmly, she isn't a child.
More towards late teens than young adult, state where her world view is growing far more comprehensive and more detailed than before. 'You grew up during the war. Didn't you?' Princess Jiakyn asks, most likely has deduced my age enough well to ask.
'Yes, it was bad, peace... Almost as bad. There are a lot of strong personal emotions, for now, I do not feel safe enough to tell you about them.' Reply carefully and making it clear that, it is a rather sore area.
Princess Jiakyn was about to ask but, Kyrem placed his left hand on Princess Jiakyn's right shoulder, prompting the younger to look at him, he shook his head in reply to the confused expression of the late teen. 'I believe it was commander Salgi who put it best. "War's monsters are not always fought at the front lines." Those are memories best shared in a far more less intense environment.' Kyrem states in straight tone.
Princess Jiakyn seems to struggle understand as her gaze fixates upon me. 'I do not understand.' Princess Jiakyn says to Kyrem when they seem to make eye contact.
'I am not the right person teach you about it. Believe in this though, she wouldn't mind change of subject.' Kyrem says calmly and let's go of Princess Jiakyn's shoulder. Interesting, royal family must trust Kyrem so strongly that they would allow that type of interaction. Princess Jiakyn looked quite surprised and slightly disappointed. I nodded to her, that Kyrem is correct.
She seems to relent, probably acknowledging that there are boundaries that needs to be respected. Thank you Kyrem, I do not think I am at all comfortable to speak about it to her. She thinks for a moment and looks at Jakan for a moment, who is talking with Lankensy. The two warrior's seem quite content with their discussion.
'How did you get to know him?' Princess Jiakyn asks as I look at Jakan for a moment with a small warm smile of happiness. I look at the princess and think about my response.
'First time I ever saw him, was when he doing melee training, felt quite intimidated and scared to talk to him or even be in his presence, so, I just left my melee training for later. Made enough sound for him to realize that somebody had entered the room but, left a lot sooner than what was normal to him.
The shadow dragons had found out about my avoidance of other members of the organization which were not dragon. They told me that, they learned from the war that, incoherent organization, that is not able to trust members within the organization is not a well functioning organization.
They said that, they will allow me to take my time to approach him. It was a lot sooner than later, they set up our proper introduction, relatively innocently. He is whole lot gentle than from outside he might seem to be. Now, we talk like we are life long friends. The draconian is most certainly is a veteran and fluent, of war and death, but, he can be a good mentor about life and peace.' Explain to Jiakyn who is listening very carefully, Kyrem is also listening.
'It sounds rather strange of you to word it how you did. What caused such a shift in him?' Princess Jiakyn asks intrigued.
'There is always change, that which we can observe, that which we can be, to put it quite bluntly, very ignorant off.' Answer to Princess Jiakyn, who looks at Kyrem, man nods deeply in agreement.

We take seats at a meeting table in the castle, Princess Jiakyn taking a seat first, then Seirialia, Tyrelia, Trenon, Lankensy and Kyrem, then the castle commanders who are quite surprised by presence of princess in their castle, and lastly Jakan and I take seats.
'Alright, explain then.' Lankensy says calmly to Princess Jiakyn. I wish I could have talked to Jakan about her before we sat down.
'Well, it took some persuasion for me to make the journey here. I am not going to just learn with theory, I need something to practice on and I have spell ideas that I want to try out.' Princess Jiakyn says calmly and in persuasive tone. Jakan and I looked into each others eyes for a moment, Jakan looks very concerned and, really wanted to say something but, chose to stay quiet.
'This is a war zone, and there is a good reason why there is a travel ban in this zone too.' Kyrem says straightly without hesitation.
'All the more reason for me to be here, the soldiers would need my presence, so that they know that their efforts will not be thrown away and that they will be remembered.' Princess Jiakyn states in honest tone.
'Do you really believe that you are ready to witness horrors of war?' Jakan asks calmly and interested to Princess' answer. For a moment she looked unsure and slightly insulted that Jakan was the one to ask the question, she looked at others present and even at me. She noticed that all of people here agree with Jakan's question.
'I do.' Princess Jiakyn says with slight hesitation.
'Bold answer, I know it is rude of me to question you, but, know this, I have already vowed that. It is either life, or death, that will carry on. I have seen those horrors myself, I have even fought and executed my own brother in arms. There are good reasons why the castle commanders and heroes of the riven war agreed with why I asked.' Jakan states, not entirely convinced but, willing to guide, guard, shelter, save and teach Princess Jiakyn, if the heroes of the riven war allow.
'How do you have such confidence in the words you have spoken? Ghaudunian.' Princess Jiakyn asks after glancing at all present here.
'As I am a Ghaudunian, I have good grasp of both active and passive effects of dark arcane on people. I have warred against undead before the war, I have seen the horrors, faced sorrowing defeats and lived through moments of triumph. Here, there is only death, life and struggle. One of the heroes of riven war, has met me before the war.' Jakan replies without hesitation and puts weight on his words.
'He was one of the groundskeepers of the Ghaudunian academy which I studied at. Draconian is a brave, stalwart and a dominant figure cast from metal and forged from war. Not many survived from the beginning, to the end of the war. When he speaks of facing undead, it is for your better that you listen.' Seirialia says with honesty.
'You have spoken well, draconian. Although, I have a feeling that my presence here is not exactly welcome.' Princess Jiakyn states to Jakan.
'Not only have we caused a diplomatic and political scandal, I do fear that the undead would make you a priority target to capture. These are not feral or dark arcane maddened undead we are facing, somebody is organizing this affair.' Jakan replies calmly and shows the maps. Princess asked for a confirmation from heroes of the riven war and castle commanders.
'Jakan speaks the truth, I personally witnessed his victory over a revenant champion. His sword is fine, as is his mind for war. Such a destructive figure of battle, are rare and continuing to survive. Surely one of the finest retainers of the shadowy ones.' Salgi states with respect.
'Not only is he strong but, also has knack for dueling. Tied with Lankensy before his victory in a mock duel. Ages like finest wine, princess. I know and understand your distrust towards the Ghaudunians but, in this matter. There are no nations.' Kyrem states with respect.
'What about you? You must be a junior agent.' Princess Jiakyn says heeding the words of to be her people, one day. She asks from me.
'I am indeed a junior agent, it is thanks to me that we know some specifics of who plausibly are behind this. Where my senior, is a cliff breaker, I am his eyes and ears, where he is not. I am new to the organization, but, our lords strongly believed that my skills would only benefit your nation's grand effort on solving this crisis, which is why I am here.' Speak out my purpose of being here to her.
Princess Jiakyn listened very carefully what I said. Closing her eyes to ponder, she nodded and opened her eyes again. That eye color has to be rare for people of Valerie, pink and yellow. Her physical stature, isn't ideal for war but, if she is at least one quarter of Seirialia's skill in arcane. She most certainly would make a difference.
'Alright. I will place my trust on both of you. I believe you are both here to help.' Princess Jiakyn says to me and Jakan. I feel mildly relieved, still, her presence here is double edged matter, I sense she is mildly overconfident but, worse is that she is untested. 'What are your plans for today?' Princess Jiakyn asks in her usual tone of, slightly confident and strong.
'We do need to escort the supply caravan to the town to the north and north west. Right now, we need mages that can heal wounds and work as secondary ranged units. Princess Jiakyn, may I request your presence at the town?' Lankensy asks, this would be both perfect opportunity to bolster morale of the citizens of the town but, also place a target on her back though... Lankensy looks into eyes of Jakan and I.
I think I understand his intentions, Jakan to act as part of the caravan guard and, maybe send me ahead to scout whether it is safe for the princess to enter... Smart man. Jakan ponders what Lankensy tried to indicate to him.
'From what I have heard, the town was in terrible danger previously, what has changed?' Princess Jiakyn asks mildly surprised of Lankensy's proposal.
Castle commanders brief Princess Jiakyn of the situation. Northern sectors of the castle to the town are pretty much back in control of Valerie. She smiles warmly of hearing these news. 'What about you heroes? What are you going to do while this is on going?' Princess Jiakyn asks.
'Kyrem, Tyrelia. Do you two think you can go with me to the town as escorts for the supply caravan?' Lankensy asks after thinking about the situation for a moment.
'This makes sense, we are going to need only good fighters just in case we get intercepted.' Kyrem says, Tyrelia nods in agreement.
'We are quite busy here already. The mages will provide a lot of help in healing these people, I need your assistance too, lady Seirialia.' Trenon says calmly.
'After seeing the slugging match yesterday, I agree with you, Trenon. The more we can help to recover sooner, the better.' Seirialia says, well, that's that for the plans of actually getting to know the heroes of the riven war better.
'What do you want us to do meanwhile then?' Jakan asks pondering how Lankensy is going to answer his question.
'I was planning on having you part of the security convoy and have Volarie check the town for anything suspicious.' Lankensy replies calmly.
'Hmm... Solid thinking. I wouldn't be able to avoid attention in a city. Are you okay with this plan? Princess Jiakyn.' Jakan says calmly.
Jiakyn thinks for a while. 'I do not have objections. When do we depart?' Princess Jiakyn asks somewhat excited to get started.
'It will take a while for the supplies required for the castle to be unloaded. No thoughts on what to do while it is on going...' Lankensy states thinking about the matter.
'How about getting to know each other then?' Princess Jiakyn proposes warmly and innocently. She has some ulterior motives that I can speculate but, no way I am voicing them here, I believe Jakan is thinking the same.
'Well, there isn't really anything else better to do.' Tyrelia says with content tone.
'All of the forces required for the convoy are being amassed as the time goes by anyway.' Kyrem says with a neutral tone, not being for or against the idea.
'A sound idea, I would like to get to know you better, Jakan. Warrior like you, along with the past you have had, must have quite tales to share.' Lankensy says, interested to talk with Jakan. I am guessing that he looks to learn, both history and combat from him.
Very easy to see from Jakan's expression that he is thinking about it. 'You have remained silent for the most of the talk, young agent. Is something bothering you?' Princess Jiakyn asks, warmly and calmly. I can see why people would feel warmly about her.
'At the moment, there aren't really any concerns. As the younger agent, I chose that, my senior agent handles most of the conversations with both of us present and back his words.' Reply to her calmly and partially choosing to elaborate the dynamic between me and Jakan.
'We do have the time since everything for today was already discussed yesterday. Princess, if I may be allowed to be direct with you. I would like to comment on your decision.' Jakan says calmly requesting an allowance to be open to her.
'You may say what is on your mind senior agent.' Princess Jiakyn replies calmly.
'I believe your heart is in the right place when you came here but, I fear for your safety of being here. As you already know, our most recent victory which has secured north east and north of the castle, has very likely escalated the conflict. I have strong suspicions that, once enemy agents in or outside of the castle find out of your presence here, you will be a high value target, which could swing this conflict into favor of our common enemy.' Jakan states humbly and professionally.
'I believe in my people to be wise to not choose such action, and that you agents. Will spare no effort in thwarting any action taken against me.' Princess Jiakyn replies confidently.
'It is just us two here, no more, no less. Princess, I believe I am stretching your willingness to hear those, once your opponents word's but, I plea that you will seek council of the heroes of the riven war when you are making decisions of where to apply yourself. Our combined presence most likely has already set the rumors running, which is my secondary concern.' Jakan says with consideration and caution.
'Your concerns are certainly reasonable, agent Jakan. Once the information of why you are here and involved with our war against the undead, such rumors should no longer be of concern. I will take your plea into consideration.' Princess Jiakyn says calmly, I quickly glance at Jakan, who is, not all that convinced but, fears overstepping his influence, so chooses to just nod deeply to Princess Jiakyn.
Castle commanders speak with Princess Jiakyn and after talking for a while. The private talk is over and we all go take our positions to be ready for the convoy's departure to the town. Lankensy and Jakan go to talk slightly further away from Princess Jiakyn, Kyrem and me.
She could be trying her luck on find out more about me than I am willing to share or about our organization. To my surprise, slightly to my own happiness. 'From what I have heard from my friends, your past was a rather ugly one, societally. I know some deeds of those whose name is Volarie.' Kyrem states to open the conversation.
'I remember reading about my name, how terrifying the weight of it is, certainly explained a lot of the treatment I received. What do you know?' Reply to him calmly, keeping my happiness hidden from him.
'A ghaudunian self learned rogue, who stole, murdered and misdirected Ghaudun in the past, to aid Valerie in all ways possible. This rogue was finally cornered by Ghaudunian guards and some army personnel, chose to take it's own life, than ever reveal anything to it's fellow countrymen. I read some about his exploits, what a scoundrel... Part of me wonders what part will you play.' Kyrem speaks what he knows, his face is masked by the whole head helmet he wears.
'Know that it will not be as anything grandeur as those who came before me, I intend on keeping the home I have. There won't be one like it.' Say with light seriousness.
'Your lords chose wisely to adopt you into their order, you must not have taken the news lightly.' Kyrem replies, referring to my blood, human and dragon in nature.
'It shocked me, part of me wanted to run, part of me wanted to very much not believe it... I had those rumors myself. When I was introduced my new part of my family, it changed me, in all ways, for the better.' Say with warmth. Princess Jiakyn looks confused but, I as expected, she realized quite quickly.
'You have blood of a dragon of Ghaudun?' Princess Jiakyn asks mildly shocked by the realization, even if it isn't all of it.
'Yes, it was a battle accident. We believe primary target was the one whose blood I share. I became a secondary target, just because of proximity. Investigation is still on, we do not have answers yet.' Reply to her calmly.
'I have read about the tales of those who have dragon blood, few even have written book or two. Variety of those tales is, as large as backgrounds and jobs they did before the discovery. You have blood of a shadow dragon?' Princess Jiakyn asks, tone telling that she is interested to hear more.
'I do. Never believed that something like this would happen to me, but, here I am. Ever since the day of meeting him, my life has become a lot better.' Reply in content tone.
'Volarie. I will be quite interested on reading what you have written of your life. Have you learned anything special from the mixing of the blood?' Princess Jiakyn asks excited to hear. Briefly, I smile cunningly to her and then vanish into a shadow before her and Kyrem's very eyes.
'Seirialia told me of your abilities, now, I most certainly believe her...' Kyrem says with slight shock and awe in his voice, as I just stand mixed into the shadows, there, but, not there.
'Learning from the artists and masters of dark arcane, most certainly must have helped. I have read about this ability but, never expected to witness it with my own eyes. Your life most certainly went through a great change...' Princess Jiakyn says with respect, awe and some admiration.
I appear from the embrace of the shadows and stand confidently. 'They most certainly taught me well, I feared the dark arcane, they taught me how to use it and imparted knowledge which helped me greatly to never again fear it. Now I dance with the light and dark as easily as I breathe.' Reply warmly and staying humble.
'You are still young, the best is, it is only upwards from here for you. Envious of you I am, I have only began to understand the other arcanes.' Princess Jiakyn says being open about her emotions to an extent.
'Know that it wasn't easy but, even my teachers admitted that they were somewhat surprised how I was responding to their teachings, even with the struggles here and there.' Reply to her calmly and remembering some of those times.
'It is the only arcane you are adept at?' Princess Jiakyn asks, somewhat doubtful of my words.
'It is, during the Riven War, many of the talents, both dragon and non-dragon were lost, one way or another. They said that, I have a knack for some specific areas of dark arcane, they would have been interested to see what potential I have with the other arcanes but, many of the shadow dragons agreed that having me here, along with Jakan, is the best combination.' Explain to Princess Jiakyn calmly, she isn't a child.
More towards late teens than young adult, state where her world view is growing far more comprehensive and more detailed than before. 'You grew up during the war. Didn't you?' Princess Jiakyn asks, most likely has deduced my age enough well to ask.
'Yes, it was bad, peace... Almost as bad. There are a lot of strong personal emotions, for now, I do not feel safe enough to tell you about them.' Reply carefully and making it clear that, it is a rather sore area.
Princess Jiakyn was about to ask but, Kyrem placed his left hand on Princess Jiakyn's right shoulder, prompting the younger to look at him, he shook his head in reply to the confused expression of the late teen. 'I believe it was commander Salgi who put it best. "War's monsters are not always fought at the front lines." Those are memories best shared in a far more less intense environment.' Kyrem states in straight tone.
Princess Jiakyn seems to struggle understand as her gaze fixates upon me. 'I do not understand.' Princess Jiakyn says to Kyrem when they seem to make eye contact.
'I am not the right person teach you about it. Believe in this though, she wouldn't mind change of subject.' Kyrem says calmly and let's go of Princess Jiakyn's shoulder. Interesting, royal family must trust Kyrem so strongly that they would allow that type of interaction. Princess Jiakyn looked quite surprised and slightly disappointed. I nodded to her, that Kyrem is correct.
She seems to relent, probably acknowledging that there are boundaries that needs to be respected. Thank you Kyrem, I do not think I am at all comfortable to speak about it to her. She thinks for a moment and looks at Jakan for a moment, who is talking with Lankensy. The two warrior's seem quite content with their discussion.
'How did you get to know him?' Princess Jiakyn asks as I look at Jakan for a moment with a small warm smile of happiness. I look at the princess and think about my response.
'First time I ever saw him, was when he doing melee training, felt quite intimidated and scared to talk to him or even be in his presence, so, I just left my melee training for later. Made enough sound for him to realize that somebody had entered the room but, left a lot sooner than what was normal to him.
The shadow dragons had found out about my avoidance of other members of the organization which were not dragon. They told me that, they learned from the war that, incoherent organization, that is not able to trust members within the organization is not a well functioning organization.
They said that, they will allow me to take my time to approach him. It was a lot sooner than later, they set up our proper introduction, relatively innocently. He is whole lot gentle than from outside he might seem to be. Now, we talk like we are life long friends. The draconian is most certainly is a veteran and fluent, of war and death, but, he can be a good mentor about life and peace.' Explain to Jiakyn who is listening very carefully, Kyrem is also listening.
'It sounds rather strange of you to word it how you did. What caused such a shift in him?' Princess Jiakyn asks intrigued.
'There is always change, that which we can observe, that which we can be, to put it quite bluntly, very ignorant off.' Answer to Princess Jiakyn, who looks at Kyrem, man nods deeply in agreement.

Hello everyone! For several years I have rather (in)famously considered myself a lectopriest of my patron, Setesh. This is a role I carried with great honor, but perhaps also to great detriment. You see, one piece of ancient wisdom I chose to ignore was that priesthood was not a 24/7, lifelong role played by individuals. Indeed back then one would only be a priest for a few weeks or months before the off season. With so few people willing to take such roles in modern society, staying in it for several years makes some semblance of sense, but I think to continue would benefit neither others nor, more importantly, myself.
You see, I have noticed, and have had pointed out by people I truly respect and trust, several problems in myself that were either created or (more often) worsened by priesthood, without my own realization until now. For instance one thing which was called out is the responsibility I feel to “correct” others when their views/understanding/etc do not match my own, like pushing the differentiations between historical Egyptian religion as opposed to new ageism (I originally wrote “new age nonsense” which proves my point that this role has led me against pluralism). Or feeling the need to write and read constantly about topics beyond the point of exhaustion when, at best, maybe 5 people even care for that level of information and effort. Or simply an overinflated sense of worth for my own path and knowledge, which directly opposes my more recent attempts at pluralism, such as portraying Kemeticism as good and new ageism as bad, when I know deep down and full well that this is an ignorant and arrogant misunderstanding of the situation, and one is simply good/bad for myself, not for all.
When I reached out to Kemetic last year to clear my name after being mistaken for a Satanist/ToS member, my main argument was that I feel compelled and driven to share knowledge of Setesh and Kemeticism, to correct what I see as ignorance and take at least partial responsibility for the spiritual development of others. That… doesn't fit with my philosophy or metaphysics at all though. I was reminded as recently as yesterday that this is literally not my responsibility, that I’ve basically taken my social work background and applied it to Kemeticism or even the LHP. I hated social work and left for all these same reasons: systems in place limit how much you can help, people don’t even actually want help, and why am I responsible for the lives of others? Perhaps most importantly, is my way even actually better or just working for me and I am causing more harm than good pushing it on others? I cannot help but feel it is almost part of a subconscious masochism those who also have mental illness are likely familiar with, an unconscious drive to put yourself in situations that will only frustrate you and make you sad. And I have to say, I HATE the subconscious for reasons just like this.
Hell, my original goal was to synthesize our knowledge of Setesh into one place in a digestible form, and that project has been completed a few times over, most completely an entire year ago now, my goal is completed and my job is done. I could have spent all this time focusing on the dozens of problems I still have to take care of in my own life and practices, like priesthood was almost a type of deflection and procrastination. I am glad I held the role and helped those who have reached out to let me know, but when we bring it back to my own authentic metaphysical perspective, these are the tiniest drops in a vast, endless ocean. I am glad for and proud of these one-offs, but to chase such one-offs has taken me in the completely wrong direction than intended. And worse it’s had me reading books about priesthood and the like, seeking out dogma of how I “should” or am “suppose to” act as a priest, what duties are required, etc., when this is the type of acceptance of and reliance upon external dogma I abhor and caution against.
My gut reaction was what I used to always do, just leave with my tail between my legs. But upon further reflection I realized I needed to internalize and look inwards in these situations for once, and to practice proper action rather than simply ponder it. To not act like some priest who is initiated into higher mysteries or something, but as just another random person trying to do my best and what I think is right in communities I value. Honestly this is who I would rather be. I will always be Kemetic AND Left Hand Path, always be a child of Setesh, and therefore always be an outsider. Playing the role of a priest (which I will not regret for it led to some of my most useful work and best connections imo) outright contradicts this in so many ways I am honestly a bit embarrassed.
I have quit a lot of things: addictions, websites that were bad for my mental health, negatively reinforcing practices and thoughts, and my new focus is quitting both the social work drive to “fix” things (that often are not even truly “broken”), as well as the arrogance that always crops back up in me to believe that since my way is right for me and has brought me meaning and success, it is not necessarily right for all, maybe even a detriment to them as their path may be to me. My test, as I see it, is not to run away in either anger nor embarrassment, but to face my flaws and actively seek to correct them, such as continuing to engage in forums such as kemetic but as just a guy doing his thing, not the voice of a god, or Kemeticism, or academia, or any such thing.
And to those who helped bring this to my attention again, I thank you. I’ve been told both in friendly and not so friendly ways when dealing with these problems in the past, this most recent being generally friendly. In the past I have been much better about owning my nature as a child of Setesh, and priesthood as I have understood and practiced it is a direct contradiction of that nature. I don’t want to feel this drive to make people think or practice the way I do, nor do I want this drive to act or portray myself a certain way on behalf of others, even my own patron. I mean, one of my greatest magical recommendations is apathy, and I've practiced anything but that.
So today it is in optimism, humility, and hope, not anger, defeat, and arrogance that I step away from the Lector role I've taken, and once again seek to be priest of nothing more than myself and my own way.

Hello everyone! For several years I have rather (in)famously considered myself a lectopriest of my patron, Setesh. This is a role I carried with great honor, but perhaps also to great detriment. You see, one piece of ancient wisdom I chose to ignore was that priesthood was not a 24/7, lifelong role played by individuals. Indeed back then one would only be a priest for a few weeks or months before the off season. With so few people willing to take such roles in modern society, staying in it for several years makes some semblance of sense, but I think to continue would benefit neither others nor, more importantly, myself.
You see, I have noticed, and have had pointed out by people I truly respect and trust, several problems in myself that were either created or (more often) worsened by priesthood, without my own realization until now. For instance one thing which was called out is the responsibility I feel to “correct” others when their views/understanding/etc do not match my own, like pushing the differentiations between historical Egyptian religion as opposed to new ageism (I originally wrote “new age nonsense” which proves my point that this role has led me against pluralism). Or feeling the need to write and read constantly about topics beyond the point of exhaustion when, at best, maybe 5 people even care for that level of information and effort. Or simply an overinflated sense of worth for my own path and knowledge, which directly opposes my more recent attempts at pluralism, such as portraying Kemeticism as good and new ageism as bad, when I know deep down and full well that this is an ignorant and arrogant misunderstanding of the situation, and one is simply good/bad for myself, not for all.
When I reached out to Kemetic last year to clear my name after being mistaken for a Satanist/ToS member, my main argument was that I feel compelled and driven to share knowledge of Setesh and Kemeticism, to correct what I see as ignorance and take at least partial responsibility for the spiritual development of others. That… doesn't fit with my philosophy or metaphysics at all though. I was reminded as recently as yesterday that this is literally not my responsibility, that I’ve basically taken my social work background and applied it to Kemeticism or even the LHP. I hated social work and left for all these same reasons: systems in place limit how much you can help, people don’t even actually want help, and why am I responsible for the lives of others? Perhaps most importantly, is my way even actually better or just working for me and I am causing more harm than good pushing it on others? I cannot help but feel it is almost part of a subconscious masochism those who also have mental illness are likely familiar with, an unconscious drive to put yourself in situations that will only frustrate you and make you sad. And I have to say, I HATE the subconscious for reasons just like this.
Hell, my original goal was to synthesize our knowledge of Setesh into one place in a digestible form, and that project has been completed a few times over, most completely an entire year ago now, my goal is completed and my job is done. I could have spent all this time focusing on the dozens of problems I still have to take care of in my own life and practices, like priesthood was almost a type of deflection and procrastination. I am glad I held the role and helped those who have reached out to let me know, but when we bring it back to my own authentic metaphysical perspective, these are the tiniest drops in a vast, endless ocean. I am glad for and proud of these one-offs, but to chase such one-offs has taken me in the completely wrong direction than intended. And worse it’s had me reading books about priesthood and the like, seeking out dogma of how I “should” or am “suppose to” act as a priest, what duties are required, etc., when this is the type of acceptance of and reliance upon external dogma I abhor and caution against.
My gut reaction was what I used to always do, just leave with my tail between my legs. But upon further reflection I realized I needed to internalize and look inwards in these situations for once, and to practice proper action rather than simply ponder it. To not act like some priest who is initiated into higher mysteries or something, but as just another random person trying to do my best and what I think is right in communities I value. Honestly this is who I would rather be. I will always be Kemetic AND Left Hand Path, always be a child of Setesh, and therefore always be an outsider. Playing the role of a priest (which I will not regret for it led to some of my most useful work and best connections imo) outright contradicts this in so many ways I am honestly a bit embarrassed.
I have quit a lot of things: addictions, websites that were bad for my mental health, negatively reinforcing practices and thoughts, and my new focus is quitting both the social work drive to “fix” things (that often are not even truly “broken”), as well as the arrogance that always crops back up in me to believe that since my way is right for me and has brought me meaning and success, it is not necessarily right for all, maybe even a detriment to them as their path may be to me. My test, as I see it, is not to run away in either anger nor embarrassment, but to face my flaws and actively seek to correct them, such as continuing to engage in forums such as kemetic but as just a guy doing his thing, not the voice of a god, or Kemeticism, or academia, or any such thing.
And to those who helped bring this to my attention again, I thank you. I’ve been told both in friendly and not so friendly ways when dealing with these problems in the past, this most recent being generally friendly. In the past I have been much better about owning my nature as a child of Setesh, and priesthood as I have understood and practiced it is a direct contradiction of that nature. I don’t want to feel this drive to make people think or practice the way I do, nor do I want this drive to act or portray myself a certain way on behalf of others, even my own patron. I mean, one of my greatest magical recommendations is apathy, and I've practiced anything but that.
So today it is in optimism, humility, and hope, not anger, defeat, and arrogance that I step away from the Lector role I've taken, and once again seek to be priest of nothing more than myself and my own way.