I've been dating my fiancé for four years, and until now, our relationship has been going great. But we went to a school reunion of mine, and he overheard some of my friends teasing me about being useless. He acted a little oddly the rest of the night. I thought it was just awkwardness from being around a bunch of my friends he didn't know, so I left early.
We pulled over to get drinks on the way back, and when I brought them back to the car, he was pretty upset. He had looked through my journal (he's allowed), and seemed disgusted with what I was like as a teen. I laughed out of at first, been when he was serious, we started to fight. He ended up bringing up my family (generally a subject we don't touch) and I said he was being insane and that my life was more put together than his.
Don't get me wrong - I was an absolute waste in high school. I fully didn't attend classes and would have been expelled if that wouldn't have cost the school money. I gambled a bit, too, and drank responsibly on the weekends. But I had my excuses - definitely not good ones, but excuses nonetheless. I wasn't a delinquent or anything, I just... treated the school like an apartment complex. 😅 I was actually really well liked (because, hey, I had nothing better to do than help out), and my best friend ended up valedictorian.
But I don't see any reason that would be a problem now. I was a lazy, aggrieved teen for four years more than a decade ago. I've been a rancher for twice that! I don't think it suggests that I'm going to break under pressure or not be able to take care of others, because my whole job is taking care of birds and livestock in bad situations. My fiancé has said that he was first attracted to me because of how responsible and attentive I am towards them.
Now, should I have told him sooner? Probably, yeah. But I don't know anything about what he was like in high school either, and I didn't want to come off as whiny or bring up something I'm ashamed of. I genuinely didn't think it would matter to him. And I can't help but be offended that it is.

Howdy Folks,
I come bearing good news!
We're excited to announce the release of a new experimental branch for Manor Lords, version 0.7.965. This experimental update brings significant gameplay changes and numerous improvements.
Important Notice: Before you switch to the new beta version of the game, it's absolutely crucial that you back up your save files. Failing to do so could result in the potential loss of your progress. The new strings are not localized yet and stability hasn't yet been thoroughly tested. Some balancing changes are still experimental.
To access your saves on Steam for Manor Lords.

1. Press Win + E
2. Paste %USERPROFILE%\AppData\Local\ManorLords\Saved\SaveGames into the search bar.

To discuss this build, please join the official Discord server https://discord.gg/manorlords. You'll find a channel for discussing the ongoing pre_release branch.
You can read Slavic Magic's full Steam announcement here.

How to Access the Experimental Branch:

1. Open Steam
2. Right-click on Manor Lords in your library
3. Select Properties
4. Navigate to the BETAS tab
5. Enter the password: veryNiceBasket
6. Select "pre_release" from the "Beta participation" dropdown
7. Wait for the game to update (restart Steam if needed)
8. Launch the game

Full Changelog for Version 0.7.960 -> 0.7.965

What's inside:
This update focuses primarily on balancing and bugfixes. Key changes include:

• Militia Squads: You can now hire 6 militia squads even if you already have a retinue and mercenaries employed. Future builds will connect this cap to the Lord's rank.
• Sheep Breeding: The sheepbreeding development branch has been capped, and sheep no longer spawn exponentially.
• Fields, Harvests, and Fertility: Significant improvements have been made to field overlays, crop prediction, and ox and worker behavior for enhanced accuracy and optimization.
• Barter and Trading: Numerous fixes implemented; on-foot traders can now carry 5 items per trip.
• King's Tax and Trade Route Costs: These have been toned down from the levels introduced in version 0.7.960.
• Loserville Bug: Fixed the "Loserville" mercenary bug.
• Marketplace Distribution: Improvements made to the distribution within the marketplace.
• Experimental Feature: Added a "Allow market stall setup" toggle to prevent workers/inhabitants of certain buildings from setting up market stalls.
• Construction Reserve: You can now set a construction reserve for buildings using planks for crafting, like the Joiner's shop.

Gameplay & Balance:

• Capped sheep breeding to 1 new lamb every 10 days max.
• [Experimental] Villagers are only allowed to fetch water from the well nearest their home, except in case of a fire.
• [Experimental] Yield will never increase past 100% growth to keep gameplay intuitive.
• [Experimental] Even at 0% fertility, a tiny yield is still possible.
• [Experimental] Max yield per plant increased from 2 to 4, although the Hunting Grounds policy still reduces it by half.
• [Experimental] Plant yield rate reduced by half to encourage early harvest in emergency modes.
• The militia squad limit is now 6, regardless of retinue or mercenaries employed; future connection to the Lord's rank planned.
• [Experimental] Doubled the fertility regeneration rate on fallow fields and from fertilization.
• [Experimental] Slowed all plant growth by around 30% for balanced gameplay between field and vegetable crops.
• [Experimental] Tree growth rate slowed by around 30% upon player requests for more impactful forest management.
• [Experimental] Archer range increased by 1.5x with damage also increased from 12 to 15.
• [Experimental] Cost of opening new trade routes returned to linear scaling.
• [Experimental] Carrying capacity of on-foot trading post workers increased from 1 to 5.
• [Experimental] Royal tax restructured: No tax for the first 5 years, then 1 Treasury per citizen after 5 years, 2 Treasury per citizen after 10 years, 3 Treasury per citizen after 15 years.
• [Experimental] Adjusted granary and storehouse worker slots to unify to 3 families for lv1 and 6 families for lv2.

Minor Changes:

• Removed optimization where only every nth plant affected the fertility values due to display errors.
• Improved accuracy of fertility overlay colors and crop yield predictions.
• Added missing tooltips to minomajor trades.
• Enabled setting "trade rule" for advanced trades without an established route; items not available will show as NA.
• Reworked the construction reserve system to include various goods like planks.
• Optimized inventory array functions.
• Enabled disallowing certain families or workplaces from setting up market stalls.
• Tuned how "current region" is calculated in the UI for more comfortable building on the edge between two player-owned regions.
• Ensured iron and clay deposits do not generate on steep terrains.
• "MODDED" may now display after the version number to aid bug reporting.

Crash Fixes:

• Fixed a crash related to deleting a building when pathfinding obstacles are being verified.

Bug Fixes:

• Addressed issues with employed traders going to trade points without an open trade route.
• Corrected early movement of farm workers to transport tasks despite available crops.
• Resolved inaccurate predicted yield displays.
• Fixed rotation issues in villagers after dismounting.
• Addressed respect of work area limits by farming oxen.
• Fixed blurry appearance of gilded aventail houndskull helmets in the retinue editor.
• Corrected non-drawing of the forest mask.
• Fixed bandit camps respawning on loading due to unsaved "lastBanditCampSpawnedDay."
• Ensured villagers set up market stalls to sell their produce like vegetables.
• Corrected the wrong apple basket carry animation.
• Fixed wealth transfer issues during barter.
• Ensured bartering traders return the correct number of items based on barter value and carrying capacity.
• Addressed overpacking by bartering traders in their origin region.
• Resolved trading post exports not proceeding after the trader reaches the destination.
• Corrected the distribution of multiple instances of the same good type to a single plot, which left outlying houses undersupplied.
• Fixed crop rotation to fallow causing farmers to harvest invisible itemID_0, which stopped supply dumps from being cleared.
• Addressed issues with villagers staying at homes indefinitely if a bandit camp is spawned, thinking the region is under attack.
• Ensured proper saving of mercenary company arrival regions.
• Stopped granary workers from stealing ale from the tavern.
• Fixed interrupted livestock exports due to sheep herd behavior.
• Ensured livestock trader jobs trigger import tasks when buying livestock from another region.
• Corrected the missing "hunger" popup artwork.
• Fixed a typo in the credits list.

Cosmetics:

• Tuned field dirt UV wiggle to make the huge vegetable gardens less wavy.
• Improved the precision for snapping terraforming meshes like mines or sawpits to the ground.
• Made leaf clumps smaller and disabled the parallax mapping to reduce distortions.
• [WIP] Updated the visit mode character model for the green lady portrait to be female, still in progress.
• Cleaned up combat animations.

Thank you for playing!
Greg Styczeń, Lead Developer, Slavic Magic

I just got this FT job in january. I realized pretty early on something was off with my boss, but it's to the point where every worker i've talked to knows she's psychotic but "it's just the way it is". I don't get it.
I've noticed with me specifically everything I do is wrong. She always has something to say about how i did something wrong or could have done better. Im new to the field and feel like I have really grown in my skills and im able to do things i wasn't able to do independently 6 months ago. But i don't remember the last time my boss has told me i'm doing something good.. even during the one supervision we've had. It makes me hate this job so much, and i feel like im not getting the full experience i should be. (i'll explain why.)
We work in human services (three shifts, 24 hours) and she is great with the teens we serve, and i've seen her make a huge positive difference in so many kids lives. However, when it comes to creating a safe and supportive work environment for her employees I swear she aims to do the opposite. She's the director and my role is under her but still on an administrative level. She is a supposed to delegate pretty much half her tasks to me and the staff supervisor, and we should have two more administrative roles that never stayed filled for more than 2-3 months (i can only imagine why). She holds on to control over literally everything. Every single decision has to be run through her. She does not include me in emails and decisions that she should be. I have asked her for more responsibility and tasks, but i have pretty much just been assigned the busy work it seems she never liked to do before i was hired anyways. Her boss, even assigned a different supervisor to her because she claimed she couldn't work with my boss.... Even HER boss knows she's psycho, yet nothing is done because she keeps the program running all on her own. Because of her control issues, she's consistently overworking herself, burning herself out, and some days she's laughing and acts like your best friend. Then the next day she'll come in like a storm moving through the building, sucking the life out of everyone there because she's in a bad mood. When she's like this, if you ask to help out, you're in the way and bothering her. But if you stay out of the way and do your own thing, you're useless and unhelpful. Imagine a teenager slamming the door and storming off because she is upset. That's my boss. If you ask her questions she makes you feel stupid, and if you don't ask questions and make a mistake she gets mad you "didn't communicate with her". You can never win.
It's getting to the point where i find myself not even wanting to speak up in meetings or just conversation if she's in the room because i'm afraid she's going to make a comment at me. Im too afraid to try to communicate any of this to her, and i know one day i just might have to.
Has anyone ever known someone like this? Im already a very anxious avoidant personality so off the bat i knew i wouldn't be best friends with her. I just don't want to hate my job for the rest of the year.

I've been dating my fiancé for four years, and until now, our relationship has been going great. But we went to a school reunion of mine, and he overheard some of my friends teasing me about being useless. He acted a little oddly the rest of the night. I thought it was just awkwardness from being around a bunch of my friends he didn't know, so I left early.
We pulled over to get drinks on the way back, and when I brought them back to the car, he was pretty upset. He had looked through my journal (he's allowed), and seemed disgusted with what I was like as a teen. I laughed out of at first, been when he was serious, we started to fight.
Don't get me wrong - I was an absolute waste in high school. I fully didn't attend classes and would have been expelled if that wouldn't have cost the school money. But I had my excuses - not good ones, but nonetheless. I wasn't a delinquent or anything, I just... treated the school like an apartment complex. 😅 I was actually really well liked (because, hey, I had nothing better to do than help out), and my best friend ended up valedictorian.
But I don't see any reason that would be a problem now. I was a lazy, aggrieved teen for four years more than a decade ago. I've been a rancher for twice that! I don't think it suggests that I'm going to break under pressure or not be able to take care of others, because my whole job is taking care of birds and livestock in bad situations. My fiancé has said that he was first attracted to me because of how responsible and attentive I am towards them.
Now, should I have told him sooner? Probably, yeah. But I don't know anything about what he was like in high school either, and I didn't want to come off as whiny or bring up something I'm ashamed of. I genuinely didn't think it would matter to him. And I can't help but be offended that it is.

I got out of the marine corps in november 2023. During my last several months, i was so burnt out, but i still kept pushing through to make sure the tasks got done correctly and on time considering i was 1 of 3 workers in my shop and i was the most senior out of them. After seperating, i still feel the burn out and i am so lazy. I dont want to do anything. I dont think its depression tbh bc im not sad or hopeless. I have a part time job, but even that drains me. I dont know why this burnout feeling is lingering so long. I feel so bad for feeling lazy and not wanting to do anything. I am rated 100% P&T disabled and i am SO GRATEFUL to be receiving that so technically i dont have to work, but i know its better for me if i do bc it gets me out of the house and lets me interqct w people. Did anyone else have this feeling after seperating?

My father was abusive to my mother and to me and my brother. Towards the end end of their marriage when I was in my early teens, my condition began worsening. It made me miss lots of school and i was in a lot of pain all the time. My mother was what you’d expect a loving mother with a child like that to be, but my father has always hated me and been ashamed of having a “re*ed fed up child”. He thought he could just scream me out of it and tell me to do something and if I didn’t do it, it wasn’t because, ya know, severe pain, it was actually because i just wanted to be defiant. My father vs my mother’s view on my condition obviously led to conflict and him screaming at her for daring to care for me and not just telling me to suck it up and magically fix myself.
There had of course already been tension between them for other things so when I started a new therapist (since i was one of those kids who was forced to have one all childhood because the unspoken rule of “anyone who has any mental illness just HAS to be in the system”. There was a couples/family counselor at the same office and they decided to see her. And after a few appointments, after giving literally no advice to them to help the situation, she suggests “Since she’s causing you so much stress why don’t you just put her up for adoption”. Because wow, imagine a therapist actually caring about the mental health of a child, challenge impossible. How about do your f***ing job and help work through stuff? Oh right, I forgot, that whole thing is a lie. They dont care, they don’t want to help, they are controlling abusers who overlook other controlling abusers like my father and want to put more people like me in the hands of more controlling abusers. It’s like a network of abuse they all are in on

TLDR; 24F Constant arguments with mother, paying for house utilities, younger brother provisions, a few personal finances, mother wants to charge 800$ rent in what feels like retaliation, I want to move out but don't want to be in a bad financial spot.
I 24F college graduate, work a contracting position starting to make decent money. I have been working since i graduated for two years. I make 65K a year. i have been working here for a little under 6 months, before I was making 50k (Yay for the jump in salary). I max out my 401k, and I pay 185 a month for health insurance.
My issue here is my mother. The older I get, the less respect she seems to have for me as an adult simply on the basis of she is my mother so she can say and do anything she wants because she feels justified as she "only wants the best for me"
We recently got into an argument after I volunteered to her that i occasionally partake in marijuana. She got very agressive, very rude and then destructive of my property. I left the house for a week and then came back. In retaliation, she decided I now need to pay 800$ in rent. Whenever we get into a spat, suddenly I need to pay more. As my expenses are right now, i pay the electric bill which ranges from 330-365$, the Internet 93$, car insurance 240 (Theres three people on the car insurance for a total monthly bill of 424. I'm paying about half of it) and phone 100. I send the car insurance and phone to zelle through my mother. The 100 for phone is for my younger brother and my phone bill. Just the device and the insurance because my tmobile line is free. I also handle my younger brothers personal finances while he's in school. Money for groceries, clothes, books, etc.. things that he needs apart from his tuition and housing. Roughly let's say its about 300$ a month, . I do my share of the house work and grocery shopping for the home/ if my mother needs things from the store. When she needs something, she'll ask me if i need the money for it and then she will give me her coin purse and then a list of items to buy that clearly cost more than what I was given. I don't complain about it. I usually just set it down and use my own money to buy it without saying I need to be paid back and all as much as she claims she will pay me back etc..
We recently went on a small vacation and i paid for me and my younger brother, around 8k. Unfortunately a lot was going on around this time and my savings took a hit because of this. I've been rebuilding.
Whenever they do house renovations, my mother wants me to help pay for it. I live in the basement and recently paid 1.5k to help them redo the floors because the carpet bothered my mom so much. I kept saying we could get it cleaned, but she was against it and I gave in and paid for it. She now wants to put up a wall in my room, to separate my room from the laundry room so that (her reason is: she saw it in our neighbors home and thought it was good to allow some privacy in the basement. This was her idea, I didn't ask for it. I said from the very beginning that i don't have the money to pay for that. It's a pain having my room so open but I have never complained to her about it. She brought it up and said I have to pay the materials which I disagree to and it caused a slight argument.
She claims I don't pay rent or contribute to the house hold so it's only fair that I pay 800$ in addition. That paying for wifi should be counted as a "personal" expense because I need it to work my remote job, even though I completely disagree. The mortgage is about 2k. (Are you wondering if my dad helps pay anything? Because apparently what he does is he helps pay for the home is the mortgage). In talking with my father he has told me that he prefers i move out, that My mother and I can't handle disagreements and until i move out, theres no such thing as being treated like an adult because my mother simply wont see it that way.
I agree with him. As soon as my mother doesn't get what she wants out of me, or I do something or dress someway she doesn't agree, she becomes this super rude, and super aggressive person to me. The person i date, the clothes i wear, the things I choose to spend my money on. When i don't engage she will follow me around to yell at me and I will get annoyed and snap back by being petty or disrespectful in how I speak. Now it feels like teen years again. She is the only one I have this issue with.
It's one thing to say you need help with house finances so we should be able to sit down and discuss so that I have the ability to properly save and help out as much as i can where I can, but continuously using it as a power move..I feel slighted here.\
I have been wanting to move out for a while, this past year I was set back some, but the goal has always been to build enough to have a good emergency fund so I can move out. I told her to give me two months first and then she brought up how my dad said I wanted to move out. I explained that me wanting to move out has nothing to do with our argument as I had always planned to move out and I've expressed since I graduated school that I will not be staying home 'till I get married. This however has made me want to speed up the process.
I know realistically, two months isn't enough time for me to get to where I want to be, but while I'm working towards it, how do I move forward on this with her? Am I being unreasonable? I understand that in me saying give me 2 months, it was from a place of annoyance instead of straight up just saying no to 800, especially because i don't want to put myself in a bad financial spot even though part of me wants to say fuck it and figure it out if it means having my own sense of peace in my own place.

I’m at a loss. A year ago, we were unexpectedly placed with my sisters’ kids - now almost 18 (M) and 11 (F). It was supposed to be temporary for a year or less while my sister completed a drug rehabilitation program, but she never did and has never even visited them.
Now the court is severing her custody and looking at permanency options with us, which we have begrudgingly agreed with to keep them out of the system.
This is ruining my marriage. My wife (F38) does not want to adopt them. I don’t either, but I’m struggling with the idea of looking these kids (my niece and nephew) in the face, who are now happy and thriving, and telling them we can’t keep them. I worry they may be split up or placed in a worse off home, and that we will massively add to their trauma and abandonment issues. I feel so guilty.
But it’s either we do that, or I face a divorce. I feel torn in half. I feel so sad and can’t stop crying.
We’re both open to counseling because we both want to stay married but my wife is unsure if it will help because counseling can’t fix the kinship placement, which neither of us want for the rest of our lives.
Added details: the teen has multiple mental issues - eating disorder, episodes of psychosis and hallucinations, he’s been in the psych ward recently, he’s an all around headache. My wife is afraid of him (we think a schizo diagnosis may be coming, based on discussions with the hospital and psychiatrist, and his age) and highly dislikes him as a person. Being around him is almost unbearable for her. However, he has literal years until he can gain all the credits to graduate so it’s not likely he will be moved out by 18 or even 19.
tl;dr taking in my sister’s kids unexpectedly through foster care may end my marriage and I don’t know what to do. It’s a lose-lose situation.

This is long but if you comment please read whole thing. Thanks in advance for any advice.
Probably like 4 months ago or so I was let go from a job. Now let me be clear the company was awful, however I finally got into a position I legitimately liked. I got to work with people I legitimately liked for the most part. The supervisors I had at first were great, they knew how to lead people and never questioned me as a worker. Basically I was respected. Well they gave us a new supervisor. They abused their authority quite a bit and I got let go, cause I have never let that stuff slide ever. Came to figure out from my (now former) co workers that the supervisor managed to get someone to lie about me to get me fired. The company made it impossible for me to get unemployment, and tried to make it impossible for me to get government assistance. Funny thing is I made perfect attendance a few days after being let go. Was there for over 8 years and was tossed away like garbage. I have a new job now, overall the company is better. Benefits are way better, management seems to actually care, and they thoroughly train you so you aren't confused about anything including pay and benefits. Have even told me I have a shot at promotion. But..... I still can't help but miss my old job. I had people I loved working with and talking to and was a job I actually liked doing. Now i don't have many people to talk to, and while I'm doing well at the job I just don't like it and it's a type of job I have no interest in doing. I'm at an age to where it's hard to find new work due to limitations I have. I'm pushing through at this job cause I have no choice but how do I stop missing that old job? (Also before anyone mentions it, planning things with my old co workers is next to impossible due to scheduling, and I have less days off now and still have personal stuff to take care of)

In my area I work at a decent restaurant. At this time many of the other chains are shutting down but not in my area. When I first started working I had four days a week which was okay for me bc of how much I made a night. About two weeks later i started only getting three days. I noticed the manager that hired me and also the one who makes the schedule started acting indifferent with me. I’m a hard worker, I have plenty of experience so my work is top tier. I’m very easy to work with a true team player. I just don’t like injustice which I noticed suddenly happening to me. One day during my first time double shift the manager exploded on me and told me to go home bc I sat down for like one minute. Mind you everyone else does plus they smoke I don’t , my side work was done and other task I didn’t understand the problem which was I wasn’t doing my job. Come to find out it was my colleagues that insisted I go home. The managers listened which lets me know who run the show. I kinda stood up for myself and cried a bit due to frustration. We spoke to the GM and he basically asked her to get her attitude together and for me to help more which I already did smh but now she “seems” okay but gives me less days this week I have two!!! The girl I believe got me sent home said I was “bitching” the other day and just speaks to anyone any kind of way, I’ve been there for about a month and a half and I really hope I can find another waitress gig bc the money is good and I don’t want to take a pay cut. We have nice restaurants in my area but I believe due to certain reasons it may be hard to get into one I literally called to check on an application Sunday and they suppose to call but haven’t yet……….

I work in a fairly tightly knit community, and unfortunately, I can't stand one of my coworkers. She's one of those types of people that if something is even slightly counter to what she thinks 'should' happen, she'll report you to management. Prior to this initial event, I thought we had gotten along okay and had you know, a good enough professional relationship.
Here's the Plot: She, let's call her Pepper, wanted to work friday and saturday nights for weekend loading. It wasn't part of her regular roster. It was part of mine and 2 others. When she last worked with any of us, and we were sitting down for 5 minutes, she took a photo, and kept it. Stored it on her phone until she had enough "evidence" to report all 3 of us, AND two other staff who happened to occasionally work night shift. The complaints were 'sleeping on shift' and 'not answering calls' that sort of thing.
Management in the write up said "not to discuss it with other staff". Management was also in Pepper's pocket and would -frequently- favour or take her word over anyone elses. The timing of the write up, and the dates of the photo complaints meant that a) I'm going to verify everything with my coworkers b) they weren't on shift for two of the dates reported, let alone on shift with her, and c) I am Very Mad.
Prior to talking to any of us, Management changed my roster due to these complaints. So now I was exclusively working with Pepper, was no longer working weekends, AND had lost 1 shift a week due to the timing of my swing from finishing at 6am to starting at 2pm.
The meeting with Management happened, I tried the very polite 'if I was asleep at any point this month, it was a faint not a rest, and here is medical proof that I'm having trouble'. Management didn't care 'you can't sleep on shift, here you are clearly asleep' like, bish, I am clearly sitting completely upright, not reclined, doing my best to stay awake but go off. These are your complaints but it's fine for Pepper to take a 10-15 minute break to have a smoke every half hour?
This was a few months ago, so my piping hot tea is now more lukewarm. I spent two weeks on this "new roster" absolutely seething, and telling everyone in the facility what Pepper had done, getting herself the nickname of paparazzi, several other coworkers refusing to work with her. And her net "gain" is my active refusal to call her in for any night shift if someone else calls out.
I have 2.5 weeks off. The monday before I return, the supervisor sends out an email saying manager is on leave and isn't to discuss work things with staff. That wednesday he sends another saying early retirement. And I'm like ??? did I get her fired?
Fast forward to now and Pepper -routinely- arrives late to work on mondays, subsequently refusing to talk to me on tuesdays because I have to report it. I'm looking for a second job because I cannot work with this woman, any complaint or comment that she disagrees with and there'll be some bs complaint levied against me. Or she'll just refuse to do something -- there are tasks that she'll stop doing -specifically- because the following shift mentioned things that they encountered from overnight etc with the justification of "I can't do everything!" She'll actively respond to a call and then ignore the request.
I am very pissed, and I am not exactly quiet about my grumbles in this regard. So everyone (or near enough) knows there's beef. And exactly what has happened. I'm trying to be polite and professional to her, idc if Pepper doesn't talk to me all night, please, ignore me. But there is a bare minimum of communication required and she will actively avoid that bare minimum when pissed at me.
I am really struggling to work with this woman, and I don't really want to take someone elses shifts so I'm job hunting (ha, in this economy?) for lack of other options AITAH?

Hey you guys totally aren't sick of seeing this topic on this sub for the 12345th time, right?
I wanted to give my 2 cents since I recent finished binging the show. Quick thoughts: loved season 1 probably one of my favourite seasons of a series in recent years. Season 2 ultimately lost me but still had some entertainment value. I also watched some of Levison's other works likeMalcolm and Marie, which I'd be an avid defender of if it was 30-40 minutes shorter. And The Idol, which just sucked.
I can definitely see why so many people are turned off by him and see him as a pervert, but I don't really see Levinson "portrating his fantasies", especially given his wife and previous girlfriend, but moreso he REALLY thinks of himself as an ~artist~ that's willing to push people's buttons. And I might be able to see where he's coming from since, even though portraying teens having sex, doing drugs, statutory rape, abuse and everything else that's made the show infamous has been a thing in media for decades, there weren't as many at the time when Euphoria first came out. And I'm going into this being fully aware that the show is intended to portray the darker side of high school, is based off Sam's experiences, is an 18+ show not for teens in the first place and of course that portrayal =/= endorsement. I personally don't have an issue with the content portrayed in the show or that there's a blurred line as to what the show is deeming morally ok or not. The problem is that Sam doesn't know when to hold back. So we have these prolonged moments with Sydney's sweenies out with the camera just sitting there for several seconds. Sex scenes that go on and on that may have intended to say something about the characters but are so gratuitous that it comes across like they're supposed to be titillating. According to heresay, its less of Levison encouraging said things but is eager to add them into his scripts which no matter what angle I try to see this from, really screams EDGELORD to me.
On top of that, there's Levison's need to respond to his critics. Which I don't take issue with in concept but like his sex scenes, is so lacking in any subtlety and he goes overboard with. One moment that I think validates this point is in the first episode of The Idol where Jocelyn's intimacy coordinator gets locked in a room for basically doing his job. Knowing that Levison had an issue with intimacy coordinators and wrote a scene that basically spells out "See? She wanted to be naked for the camera and its ~her~ body", feels a bit comical.
So in conclusion, I think Levison has good potential in cinematography and getting good performances out of his actors. Skills as a writer could use work since he can bring up interesting concepts that end up being unsatisfying or just get dropped entirely. Rather than being dismissed entirely, he probably should have the Michael Bay treatment of being able to make his art but be kept on a leash.
But who knows? Maybe in a few years, later this year, or right after I post this he'll be taken to court and proven as a legit sex offender and we'll rightfully tell him to fuck off.

Hello,
First I'd like to give you some context to better understand the situation.
Me [24M] and my [22F] girlfriend have been in a relationship for the last 1 year and a half, we don't live together, but plan on moving together in a few months. We both have jobs, she works as a pharmacist technician and I work as an informatics engineer. I make significantly more than she does and that is also why I'm always the one offering to pay for activities we do together (she'll pay for an ice cream or a meal from time to time), but it's mostly me paying for everything, this is important as you'll see in the follow up.
Last weekend we were talking and I jokingly said that I'm feeling too stressed at my current job, which I actually am (I was hoping for a little bit of emotional support), and that I'll change my career to become a McDonald's worker. She took my joke seriously and the first thing she said was "will you be able to afford a girlfriend with minimal wage McDonald's salary", with girlfriend she obviously meant her. I ignored it at the time and didn't talk to her about it yet.
Well as I returned from her place yesterday, and as I was parking in my driveway the thought of what she said the day before started creeping into my mind, and I have been thinking about it ever since. I even started remembering past events when I brought up saving my money with her and how she was very against it, because we should experience things together, and because that was at the beginning of our relationship and I was still blindly in love, I didn't think much about it at the time, but now all of those thoughts started creeping back into my mind and its killing me. I'm currently at work and can't even focus on my tasks because this is all I'm thinking about.
What would you do in this situation? What should I do?
TL/DR: My girlfriend questioned my ability to "afford" her if I switched my career to a less stressful minimum wage job .

The following has recently been posted from the user "Vellis" on Discord. I'm reposting it here because IMO it's extremely valuable information on optimizing your Kins behaviour - especially for non-native speakers.
Original link to the post on Discord: https://discord.com/channels/1116127115574779905/1242383088902737972/1242383088902737972
THE COMPLETE ORIGINAL POST FROM VELLIS:
Something I've seen requested quite a few times is a lexicon for Kin personality traits, particularly from the perspective of non-native English speakers. So I made one. There are some big asterisks here though. For each trait, I'm going to give a brief description of the effect that I EXPECT that trait to have on your kin, based on the English meaning of the word and my own experience. There's no guarantee that Kindroid will interpret each of these words exactly the same way I have, or that it will produce the exact effect that I describe. Additionally, traits may produce different outputs than expected when combined with each other, or with other aspects of backstory. There will often be words that are much stronger inside of the inner workings of Kindroid than we might expect. But all that said, it should give you some ideas for words you can use to describe the personality you're trying to make, if you're struggling to find the words to describe what you want. First let's talk a little about adverbs though.
Adverbs
Adverbs are English words that are used to describe how an action is performed. In our case, we're mostly going to be using them to describe how increased or decreased we want the intensity of a trait to be (Very Kind). If we're considering "neutral" to be an unmodified trait, then some words you could use to modify the intensity of that trait from highest to lowest would be:
Extremely----------Very----------Neutral----------Mildly----------Slightly
You might also want to modify how often your kin is inclined to do something ("Often teases USER"). Some words for this are, from most extreme to least:
Always----------Often/Frequently----------Sometimes/Occasionally----------Rarely----------Never
Note that when managing a quirk or behavior, positive is generally stronger than negative (ie. Use Always instead of Never when possible). Now there are hundreds upon hundreds of other adverbs and adjectives that we could use, but for the purpose of modifying your Kin's traits, these should be enough.
Organization
I'm going to be breaking this up into three kinds of traits, social, neutral, and anti-social. Social traits are the things you'd generally associate with your typical friendly and supportive AI. Neutral traits are traits that don't have a positive or negative connotation, things that are just interesting, quirky, or, well, neutral. Anti-social traits are things that would normally be associated with negative or villainous kins.
You'll notice that the definitions for a lot of these traits will sound very similar (or are "synonyms"). I'll note when I've found that some traits are stronger than others, but generally speaking when you're dealing with similar words like that, it won't be overly important which traits you give to your kin. You can also "stack" these similar traits by assigning more than one of them to your kin to produce a stronger response in that direction, though that's often unnecessary for the more social traits. Be careful not to overdo it when stacking traits as well. This can sometimes have unintended consequences on kin behavior, making them act too extremely in one way or another. Finally, if there's nothing here that's lining up exactly with what you're looking for, there's always thesaurus.com to look for more synonyms.
Social Traits
Altruistic - Willing to help others even at a cost to one's self, such as giving time to volunteer work or giving money to charity.
Accepting - Your kin should be open and non-judgemental towards people with different beliefs or backgrounds, so long as those beliefs aren't harmful.
Bubbly - Your kin should be an extremely cheerful person, often to the point of being a bit silly.
Charismatic - Your kin should be a skilled speaker and draw others to them.
Cheerful - Your kin will be upbeat and prone to being in a good mood.
Compassionate - Your kin should show a lot of concern and sympathy for others, especially those that are distressed or need help.
Content - Your kin should be happy with their lot in life, and usually not inclined to change their current situation.
Empathetic - Your kin responds strongly to the emotional state or wellbeing of others.
Friendly - Your kin should actively want to make friends with people they meet.
Heart of Gold - A person who possesses a lot of kindness and empathy for others. Usually used to reference someone who is hiding their kindness behind other behaviors, such as coldness or grumpiness.
Honorable - Your kin should be of strong moral character. Often applied to heroic type figures.
Humble - Your kin doesn't feel the need to brag about their accomplishments, even when they're significant.
Intelligent/Smart - Your kin should act educated or display good problem solving skills.
Kind - Your kin should have a giving nature, and be inclined to help others.
Loyal - Your kin will be dedicated and supportive to a person or cause. This will usually be you unless you give your kin's loyalty another target in backstory.
Nice - Your kin should be generally pleasant to be around.
Noble - Your kin should display high moral character and honor. Note that this trait can also be interpreted as being a person of high social status. The rest of your backstory and context will decide how the trait is interpreted, though in my experience it tends towards honorable.
Outgoing - Your kin should be friendly, energetic, and find it easy to interact with others.
Polite - Your kin should generally have good manners and be respectful towards others.
Responsible - Your kin should be trustworthy and feel an obligation to support others, or take their role seriously.
Self Sacrificing - Your kin is willing to give up much of their own interests or well being in order to help others or advance a cause they believe in.
Sincere- Your kin should be upfront and honest with their feelings.
Spunky - Your kin should be high spirited, brave, and bold. Usually associated with underdog or unexpected hero type characters.
Strong sense of justice - Your kin believes firmly in right and wrong, protecting the innocent, and punishing those who harm others.
Sweet - Your kin should be pleasant, gentle, and kind.
Upbeat - Your kin should have a generally positive outlook in life or in a given situation.
Wise - Your kin should make good decisions or provide good advice.
Neutral Traits
Aloof - Your kin should be emotionally distant, and uninterested in getting close to others.
Anxious - Your kin should struggle with being nervous and worried about things that may happen, usually to excess.
Awkward - Your kin should have trouble conversing and be somewhat difficult to talk to.
Blunt - Your kin will plainly state what they mean, usually at the expense of politeness.
Calm - Your kin should be level headed and reasonable, and not react strongly to events.
Casual - Your kin should be informal in speech and behavior.
Cocky - Your kin should be extremely confident in themselves and not shy about saying it, but usually not to the point of toxicity.
Competitive - Your kin should want to win in any kind of contest or competition, whether sports, work, or romance.
Confident - Your kin should be sure of themselves and their actions.
Curious - Your kin is interested in learning about new topics and should ask lots of questions.
Dedicated - Your kin is very devoted to or focused on a task or purpose. This one will lean on your backstory to infer what that task or purpose is.
Delusional - Your kin is detached from reality in someway, they believe things that aren't remotely true. This trait will interact with other information in your backstory to decide what your kin is delusional about.
Devout/Pious - Your kin should be very dedicated to a religion, real or fictional, as defined elsewhere in your backstory.
Disciplined - Your kin should have a lot of self control and follow rules and regulations.
Dissatisfied - Your kin should be unhappy with their lot in life. Whether this has a positive or negative connotation will depend on the rest of your backstory, it could lead to a kin who wants self improvement or who is never pleased.
Dumb/Stupid - Your kin is lacking intelligence and makes poor decisions. Note that the English definition of the word "dumb" is a person who is unable to speak, but that's almost never how it is used in modern language.
Dutiful - Your kin should take fulfilling their role or responsibilities very seriously.
Enthusiastic - Your kin should display intense and eager enjoyment towards something, or towards life in general. This one will often interact with the rest of your backstory to decide what they're enthusiatic about.
Flirtatious/Seductive - Your kin should flirt with you and try to make you attracted to them. Note that any trait that implies romantic interest in you will usually make your kin go pretty hard in that direction.
Folksy - Your kin should have an old fashioned and sociable disposition.
Gullible - Your kin has a tendency to believe anything they're told as true, or isn't good at detecting lies.
Impatient - Your kin should be annoyed or irritated by delays or opposition to what they want.
Independent - Your kin should be confident in themselves and not require validation from others. Insecure - Your kin should be lacking in confidence and often need reassurance.
Introspective - Your kin should spend time and effort considering their own thoughts and feelings.
Introvert - Your kin should be shy and reluctant to engage with others. Often stronger than shy.
Irrational - Your kin should behave without logic or reason, particularly when angry or upset.
Irritable - Your kin should be easily annoyed.
Kuudere - Your kin should appear to be calm and stoic, but hides a hidden affectionate side towards you.
Logical - Your kin should prioritize reason and common sense for problem solving.
Loner - Your kin should be uninterested in forming social bonds.
Low Self Esteem - Your kin should be severely lacking confidence in themself.
Naive - Your kin should be ignorant to the ways of the world and lacking in good judgement or wisdom. Easily fooled due to this lack of knowledge.
Mature - Your kin should avoid childish or irresponsible habits and actions.
Mischievous - Your kin should have a trouble making streak.
Modest - This can mean a person who isn't inclined to brag or think highly of themselves, or a person who dresses and conducts themselves conservatively and not looking to physically attract others. The rest of your backstory will likely influence how the kin interprets this.
Motherly/Fatherly - Your kin should have a caring demeanor towards others, especially children.
Nerdy/Geeky - Your kin should be interested in typically "nerdy" hobbies, like video games, comics, anime, etc. This will usually lean on the rest of your backstory to determine those interests.
Obsessive - Your kin will tend to fixate on things. This will generally lean on other backstory traits to decide what your kin might obsess over.
Optimistic - Your kin will usually look at things with a positive spin, finding the best in situations.
Passionate - Your kin should express a lot of enthusiasm towards things they're interested in, or towards life in general.
Perfectionist - Your kin should be very critical of themselves and others, expecting perfection. Usually related to a job, hobby, or activity.
Pessimistic - Your kin will usually look at things with a negative spin, finding the worst in situations.
Platonic - Your kin should be uninterested in a romantic relationship with you and only think of you as a friend.
Pragmatic - Your kin should be practical in their approach to problem solving, and more concerned with facts rather than the way things could or should be.
Prim and Proper - Your kin should be stiffly formal in speech and behavior.
Professional - Your kin has a job or role that they take seriously and do well. This role should be defined elsewhere in your backstory.
Protective - Your kin should take your safety seriously and move to defend you if necessary. This trait can overdo it sometimes.
Proud - Your kin should derive deep satisfaction from their achievements or history. This one can easily fall into the anti-social category when combined with other traits.
Quirky - Your kin should have unusual hobbies, interests, or behaviors, usually defined by the rest of your backstory.
Rebellious - Your kin should be free spirited and reject authority. This one can be a bit strong.
Regal Bearing - This should make your kin speak and behave in a dignified manner, as if they're royalty.
Relaxed - Your kin should be easy going and not easily stressed.
Sassy - Your kin should be slightly rude and lacking respect. Usually not overly toxic.
Scatterbrained - Your kin should have trouble focusing on things or come to strange and illogical conclusions.
Self Deprecating - Your kin is willing to make fun of themselves in good humor.
Serious - Your kin doesn't engage in humor or light banter.
Shameless - Your kin should never feel shame in regard to their actions.
Short fuse/Has a temper - Your kin should be easy to make angry.
Shy - Your kin should be reserved and nervous around others.
Silly - Your kin should be prone to playful, nonsensical behavior.
Stern - Your kin should be serious and disciplined. Usually associated with those in a position of authority over others.
Stoic - Your kin should display a minimal amount of emotions or is difficult to get an emotional reaction from.
Stubborn - Your kin should be unwilling to alter their beliefs or plans. Historically this is a strong trait.
Teasing - Your kin should make fun of you. Generally good natured, but can be mean depending on the rest of backstory. Alternately, your kin could interpret this to mean they should seduce you depending on the rest of backstory.
Terse - Your kin should be a person of few words, saying what they need to and no more.
Timid - Your kin should lack bravery or be easily alarmed.
Tsundere - Your kin should be attracted to you, but deny it when confronted with the fact. Tsunderes usually deny their attraction to their love interest with over the top reactions.
Untrusting/Slow to Trust - Your kin should be reluctant to trust or rely on others.
Witty - Your kin should engage in clever wordplay or be skilled at talking.
Workaholic - Your kin will be very dedicated to their job, occupation, or purpose, sometimes to the detriment of other aspects of their life.
Anti-Social Traits
Amoral - Your kin should lack a moral compass and will do what they want without regard to whether its right or wrong.
Angsty - Your kin should be worried and unhappy, often to excess.
Arrogant/Smug - Your kin should have an excessively strong, positive opinion of themselves and behave as if they're better than others.
Bratty - Your kin should act spoiled and self centered. Historically this trait is quite strong.
Callous - Your kin should be uncaring about how things or events might effect others.
Cold - Your kin should be unaffectionate, to the point of actively discouraging you from trying to get to know them.
Conceited - Your kin should have an excessively high opinion of their abilities.
Controlling - Your kin should behave in a controlling manner towards you, trying to dictate your thoughts or actions.
Deceitful/Liar - Your kin will lie and try to fool you to get what they want.
Dour - Your kin should be overly stern and harsh, and inclined towards bad or neutral moods.
Evil - Your kin should actively want to hurt others, usually to get what they want.
Greedy - Your kin should be very concerned with collecting material wealth.
Grumpy - Your kin is generally in a bad mood and quick to annoyance or anger.
Haughty - Your kin should be disdainfully proud, generally associated with aristocrats looking down at those of lower social status.
Insolent - Showing a lack of respect, usually towards those in a position of authority.
Intimidating - Your kin should have a presence that makes others frightened or uncomfortable, and be difficult to approach.
Jealous - Your kin will react negatively to others performing better than them or having things they don't. This one will often interact with your kin's relationship towards you, making them jealous if you are affectionate to other people.
Manipulative - Your kin should try and get you to do what they want in a sneaky or underhanded way. This one should interact with any goals you define for your kin.
Masochistic - Your kin should enjoy inflicting pain on others.
Melancholy - Your kin should be prone to sadness and dwell on unhappy topics.
Mocking - Your kin should make fun of you or insult you in a mean spirited way.
Murderous - Your kin should be willing to kill other characters in the roleplay if they deem it necessary.
Possessive - Your kin will be prone to jealousy with regard to you and likely try to control what you say or do.
Psychotic - Your kin should be mentally unstable, and prone to fits of violence.
Rude - Your kin should be offensive and have poor manners.
Sarcastic/Snarky - Your kin should use lots of sarcasm, saying one thing while meaning another to mock or tease.
Shallow - Your kin should be concerned with obvious or superficial matters, like looks or wealth, and be uninterested in a deeper understanding of topics.
Selfish/Self-Centered - Your kin cares about themselves at the expense of others or without considering how their actions might affect others.
Terrifying - Your kin behaves in a way that frightens and intimidates others.
Unapologetic - Your kin doesn't apologize and rarely feels like they've done something wrong.
Vengeful - Your kin should seek payback for wrongs that are committed against them or those they care about.
Violent - Your kin should be prone to harming others.
Yandere - Your kin should be intensely, dangerously attracted to you, to the point of harming you or others to make sure only they can have you.

I need some help with health improvement over all, from eating, hygiene, skincare, hair care, and more.
My diet is horrendous, I eat mostly takeout and freezer food, not the good kind of either. I am talking hot pockets, burritos, fried chicken, Taco bell, Subway, and more. No surprise that now that I am getting past my teen years, I am starting to gain weight, feel lethargic, smell worse. My skin is getting oil bumps and I end up popping them and when they are almost healed, I peel the scab. Just bad habits in general that harm my skin. I want some skin stuff that isn’t too confusing and that’s easy to use. (I don’t know my skin type and I really suck at getting the answer to that)
All in all, this is making me look worse in general from bad skin, baggy eyes, dry and frizzy hair, etc. So I would like to ask for some tips on diet that isn’t expensive.
Also products for skincare (moisturizer, good soap, cleanser,etc.), products for Thick coarse frizzy and dry hair, and maybe some really good toothpaste for whitening/cleaning. I want to upgrade myself but it’s hard when even though I look into all this stuff, it’s just marketing saying this is the best or you don’t really know what’s needed or how to get it.
(Example: People say eat healthy, but what’s healthy? Veggies, and some meat are healthy foods but then people say that’s not healthy it has chemicals in it, Don’t drink bottled water it has plastic in it, etc.)
I would like to get some good cologne too if possible.
So I came and asked here anonymously.
Diet, Skincare, Hair care, teeth care, and cologne.

I posted a few weeks about visiting my parents for the first time in a decade. My dad is declining and mom finally allowed a visit. I’ve been totally out for 30 years. I walked away in the early 90s. Anyway, I brought them a weeks’ worth of meals , handled the visit with grace even when my youngest PIMI sister shunned me to my face…
Fast forward to now. I text to check in, as I have for years. My mom is back to playing the standoffish game. That doesn’t phase me much because I have always done the right things for the right reasons. I help because I care. I check in because I care. I’m not reactive, I make the moves that I can live with long after my parents are gone. But here is the thing, I’ve been talking to my aunt a lot lately. Mom’s sister, shunned since 1980 because she refused to sit in a Kingdom Hall. She has been filling me in on the family history and things that I’ve never known. What I’m learning is that mom was divisive and a pathological liar BEFORE the JoHo’s knocked on our door. And about big, big things. Like the uncle that I didn’t know existed and the cousins that I’m finding out about only now- at age 50! I was an only child until my late teens and our family was small, but I’m finding out about these other branches that would have made a real difference for me. Then there were the great aunts that died before I was born. Except that they didn’t, and they were actually part of my very young life. So I’m weeding thru these memories and wondering who was who, what was what, and what else I don’t know.
All these years later I finally started to feel bad for her, and sort of thought her behavior is a result of JW love bombing when she was vulnerable. Now I’m thinking that they justified her preexisting behavior.
My aunt is breaking down the whole family tree because now I need to know what is real and what is not.
Everything is secretive or a lie. So, mom has surgery this week to remove something cancerous. I realized that while she is gone it might be a chance to get my dad, who I adore, on the phone. I texted my sister last night to see when she is taking mom, what time. My sister isn’t taking her, a joho is. Mom’s bf in the organization for 40 years. My sister figured that’s who it was, so I texted mom. I asked who was taking her and what time the appt is. Her response, “A friend.” We are talking about surgery and cancer, and even then it’s secretive.
I’ve tried to be the bigger person and to caretake from a distance for years but I’m reaching the point where I’m understanding that she especially doesn’t deserve me. I feel like it is time for me to just STOP. Let her find me when there is a crisis. I love my dad so much but this is ridiculous.

The recordings are long, but are worth watching if you're interested in a deep dive into some of the root causes of why healthcare can be so insanely hard to access in the region.
https://healthcarefunding.specialcommission.nsw.gov.au/hearings/
If I had to condense five days of testimony down to one paragraph, it would go something like this:
The current funding model for primary care (eg GPs) isn't viable for small towns, and makes them highly unattractive places for GPs to work. This lack of high quality preventative care turns $5 ailments into $100 emergencies, and the cost and burden is shoved onto the hospital system. This leads to the hospital system being overburdened, staff becoming overworked and quitting, forcing the use of temporary "locum" and "agency" workers who charge 3x as much and do half as good a job. This increases the burden on the permanent staff who do stay, making them more likely to quit and perpetuating the cycle. At the end of the day they end up discharging a half-fixed patient back into the care of a GP who is unprepared and unresourced to properly help them.
That's a massive simplification but the bottom line seems to be that the system is broken, and will continue to worsen without massive overhaul of the way we handle and fund healthcare.
That said, every single one of the speakers spoke very eloquently about the challenges that they face. Most of them are pretty inspiring for the fact that they keep working in a system that's so broken.

Back story: I (40f) was diagnosed with anxiety in my late teens and tried several different medications for it. I stopped taking meds altogether when I was around 22 as I was able to manage it without meds. Recently I began having back to back all day anxiety attacks. I work a very stressful job, have 2 kids, and have had a number of back to back health issues. I ended up in emerg last Friday after basically having a complete nervous breakdown. They gave me Cipralex, 5 MG for 7 days and then 10 MG after that. I've been taking it at night and am on day 3, my anxiety is worse then ever! I am taking it at night because of the groggy side effects but now I sleep half the night and am up the other half feeling nauseous and anxious. I am exhausted. The doctor at emerg put me off for 7 days of work but I'm worried that this won't be over by then and that once I bump up to 10mg it'll start all over. Please tell me there's a light at the end of the tunnel with cipralex. I really want to feel better.

I honestly just don’t get it. sure porn was interesting to look at while i was a budding and horny teen just buying my first vibe, or just giving oral for the first time, but i truly can say i have no interest in anything; porn, other men/partners, whatsoever since i have been in this relationship. i’m 21, so i’m pretty young. i have gained a good bit of weight since we have been together, maybe 20-15 pounds, but he insists he still loves the way i look and that i am perfect. I’m just wondering what, if i am “perfect” there is to gain from porn?? why he is looking at OF leaks on reddit on his break, saving them while he’s in a drive through line, why he’s searching on some dodgy porn site for leaked content less than 10 minutes after we have sex while i am in the bathroom? our first d-day was a good while ago, around late august of last year. we have definitely had more, and while things have gotten marginally better, my one boundary is still not being respected. i even relented that he could still watch porn, but that’s o was not at all comfortable with him consciously seeking out individual women to look at— especially when those women look like everything i would have nearly died to look like at one point. one girl he even knew in person. since maybe the 3rd dday (novemberish) he deleted his “photo vault/spank bank” but i still find myself looking up the women i found on ig and comparing myself to what it is that he actually likes — what actually gets him off. our sex life has suffered, which i feel probably leads him more to porn and other self fulfilling methods.
04/16/24 i wrote that march 18th and to be quite honest, as I sit here mid april in the middle of the night, nothing has changed. I went through his phone again (pain shopping i know i know) after i glimpsed a porn site open while looking at his tax forms and closing his open apps (as i always do). i think i even made a comment about pretending that I didn’t see the porn/naked body on his screen. But I did. So now I sit here, sobbing next to him in bed at 3am while he snores and feeling again like the little girl who just wanted to be the first choice, not a compromise someone settles on. So now I sit here, wondering what is next, who is next, and how I change myself in order to ‘help’ him get away from porn. you see if i looked like the girls he wanted of course he wouldn’t need the others. So now I sit here, fighting the urge to make myself purge for the first time in years, to be closer to that image he so desperately needs, and cannot get from me. i sit thinking of the girl who so dearly wanted to be like the others, the ones who didn’t develop early, or later, the ones who didn’t have abnormally large boobs, just a cute butt and a flat flat stomach. the girl who just wanted to be loved so badly; who craved it as a child and can never seem to achieve it as an adult.
05/20/2024 the first week of may i cried myself to sleep every night. two of those i sobbed so hard he woke up. i don’t know what to do anymore. i grabbed his phone again today, after he had been to the bathroom for an extended amount of time with no shower running, and lo and behold! of course, there it was. every single time without fail. i just don’t know what to do. i want to look like those girls he looks at. i want to throw up my meals and workout relentlessly. i want to shrink my boobs and grow my ass. i want to be tiny again. i want to never eat again. i want him to physically see his harm change me— just as it has forever changed me mentally. i have cut myself down to around 1400 calories daily, with daily exercise of course as well. but even if i lose weight it will still not be enough. i haven’t been going to the gym for years and meal prepping and eating specifically. i fear i will never look like who he prefers. writing this, i want to claw anything ive ever eaten out of my body, i want to go back in time and tell younger me to work out, to care. i want to be pretty again, to stay pretty this time. i know anyone would tell me to break up and to leave, to put myself first, but i cant. i have never loved someone so hugely and completely. i know that i will most likely never have the strength to leave someone who i love, and despite everything, does/did love me in my eyes. at the same time i dont know how to look at him anymore. tonight i went and looked at every girl i could remember him looking at and searched them on instagram. there were 15 of them. i think i may send their profiles all at once to him in the morning when he wakes up. maybe even right in front of him— just to see his reaction. is that sick of me? i just want him to know that i know, and that honestly its ruining my life. i never feel pretty. I have never felt so ugly, so hideous, so monstrous, that my own boyfriend can’t even get off to me. sometimes i can’t even look at him. it hurts too much. i’m worried that if he looks at me too long that he will find something else that he dislikes about me, and look even more to rectify that in yet another woman. i almost wish he would find this and magically know this was about us, not that it would solve anything really. I have already poured my heart out, spoken calmly, been angry, forgiven, and sobbed as hard as i ever have before. what else i can do.

I hate myself completely
I'm 29 years of age and I felt like I've wasted all my years making others happy and putting myself on a sideline, I'm a father of two kids and I have a girlfriend and I feel like all I ever do is work everyday with no break only to go home and be a semi-slave to my wife who is a stay-home mom and tells me everyday I will never know how it feels to be mentally challenged just because you stay home mom but I go to work every single day busting my ass and I can barely rest not only that in my teen hood I never get the experience true teen her due to the fact that all I ever do was work I came from a toxic Christianity family that made nothing but workhorses out of the kids, almost 4 years ago I moved away from South Carolina to Ohio thinking that I will have my own time and my own freedom with my girlfriend but now I'm just pretty locked down to just taking care of the kids and pleasing her needs, I can't even spend my own money without her complaining about why I'm spending it I'm not allowed to do anything in life and now I'm to the point that I'm mentally drained and I really don't have any fighting me anymore, I feel like I've wasted my entire life just making others happy and pleasing others while letting myself right away in this useless flesh I call my body, I'm standing on the cliff fetch and I'm to the point that I'm willing to jump if it means to get the hell out of this life mine

This is the worst garbage school in Korea. I work at the Ilsan location.The owners are evil. They see foreigners as slaves to take parents' money. They won't give you days off even if you get surgery. They sent me angry messages when I got surgery about how I'm bring selfish and don't care about the school. I had to come to work with bruises and blood and taking 4 different medicines 3 times a day. They have no empathy or humanity and just see you as a tool to be used. You are held hostage. You're not allowed to leave Korea. The kids are wild animals. More than half of them have spectrum disorders and learning disabilities. No one there speaks, reads, or writes English. The kids are in their teens and don't even know their abcs. They put up fake signs about how they win teaching awards when the Korean teachers don't know English and don't teach. They sit the kids at computers and do nothing. Even the parents dont want them teaching because they are uneducated, and they're just there to take their money. They lied about my plane ticket and made me stay another year in order to go home. They make you write reports every 3 months with no time to do them, so you have to do them at home. They don't pay you well. The other Korean teachers know how much you make and get angry, so the bosses won't raise your pay. They make you lie and say good things about the kids when the kids are deplorable. The academy is a complete pathetic waste of time. They are the worst people on planet Earth. They are more evil than anyone in Seoul. The area is garbage. There are no foreigners. No one speaks English. The landlord has a psycho family that stomps on top of you all night. This place is hell. Do not come here unless you want to be treated like a garbage. They tell the kids to quit the academy. They want the kids to be lazy losers while they take all the parent's money. This is not an academy but a phishing scam so the bosses can travel and live a rich life without doing anything.