I'm sorry for this long ass rant I just wanted to say what I feel. Hi everyone,I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts alot recently,I always struggled with intense internalised mood swings,low self esteem social anxiety,an inferiority complex,and a very vicious cycle of destructive thought patterns,I have these periods of high motivation and confidence,they're extremely short,and I have these longer periods of feeling worthless or completly numb,i'm bad at dealing with intense emotions,I know i need to process emotions in a healthy way,but I'm sensitive and mine get so intense they physically hurt,and my emotions are like an avalanche one emotion and memory leads to even worse ones,and they flactuate a lot like they're so feckle and umpredectable that I can never pinpoint a constant state I'm in,like one second I'm so hopeful and motivated and happy the next I want to kill myself everything sucks while lacremosa is playing in the background,I developed some addictions to avoid my feelings,not substance abuse issues,more like electronic devices and sexual stuff,I spend so much time scrolling doing nothing to drown the world,to the point I drowned my brain,I'm always sooo tired wether I sleep early or eat healthy or do sports whatever I do my head is always foggy I'm always tired and my motivation is null,I don't have any passions anything I try I stop after a while not because I'm incompetent,I just tire of it and lose all my motivation,my interests are as fickle as my emotions,they change so much my life goals everything,they change so fast soo much that I can never see a materialized path for myself,I see Daedalus's maze and I have no Ariadne to guide me through it,and because of that just stop,I wake up in the morning and nothing no drive no goal no certainty and no reason to wake up(right no I'm majoring in engineering I like it now but I'm sure I will hate it again very soon),I want that fire passion drive,the irony is I have no clear goal but so terrified of dissapointing my parents family and literal strangers,I spend all my day procrastinating like I'm really lazy,life is just sooo boring,I live in a country where I feel stuck,it's a third world country with no opportunities and anything big you want to do is denied to you,I don't know how to love life,to wake up with a goal so clear you can touch it,a fire that makes you feel alive,i want real connection too,like i have friends good ones,but i just feel like i'm always a 3rd wheel a ghost that they forget the moment I'm out of their sight I want to be important to someone to believe I am,but my brain can't believe it I always feel like I'm a burden like everyone in any given room hates me for just being there,and it's very hard for me to keep relationships because I'm also not consistent,my constant insecurity and social anxiety make relationships and interactions so stressful for me like really really stressful,a voice in my head constantly talking to me,and I just prefer being alone it's more peaceful,and I get bored of people?I don't know meeting people ruins them,I like to live with the image the ideal I created of them in my head,and I'm inconsistent one second I want to cut someone out of my life and the next I like them and just as randomly hate them and find them repulsive,I know I'm a coward but I don't have any guidance we don't really do therapy in this country and everyone's too religious,so they just tell you pray and God will help you I tried I failed I'm an atheist now,also I'm pansexual so add that to the list,i just feel so detached like what's the point,the only times I feel alive is when i info dump on my mom or while reading a book even the latter is feckle and I can lose my intrest for weeks,I spend days numb not a single thought goes through my head,I always try to break cycles but they just happen before I even know it,I don't think I'm depressed I don't have the symptoms of depression other than anxiety and low self esteem it's just who I'm I think I do have childhood trauma because of the physical(he used to choke me and beat me so hard I couldn't breathe even spit in my face)and sometimes sexual abuse and assault my brother put me through(I'm 19m) btw,I did suspect bipolar or borderline personality disorder but no I don't have the symptoms,I truly think it's just a me problem,my personality or something I don't know as I said I don't really have a professional to ask,like is it the norm to almost attempt suicide at the slightest inconvenience,that at the slightest inconvenience you go into intense emotional distress like a madman and blame yourself for everything,and feel guilt and every emotion so I intensly you want to end your life to stop this intense unescapable pain, eternal nothing seem like a treath,I know about passive suicidal ideations,how it's healthy and helps us cope,so maybe it's my coping mechanism? although I don't know what's normal that's the problem I have no reference to see wether I'm normal have a problem or just a drama queen I don't know,maybe I'm just emotionally immature,and bottle my emotions too long, because my brother's abuse instilled in me this idea that expressing or standing up for myself will get me hurt because he was stronger than me so now I bottle my emotions and don't stand up for myself because I know that strength is everything and it's stupid to do so because I'm weaker and will just lose so I'm a ticking time bomb,so maybe I have the aftermath of Chernobyl or pompeii inside of me. You know what's funny, sometimes I wish that reincarnation is real because I want to be born in a different life and different body,and sometimes I even want to kill myself because I have this morbid curiosity about what happens after death other that the fact that I'm tired of life,so I guess my fear of hell saved me?yay to religious traumaaaa!!

The Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE) is a prominent educational board in India. It conducts exams for Class 10 and Class 12, which are crucial for students' academic futures. Excelling in these exams requires strategic preparation and a focused mindset.

Importance of Early Preparation

Starting your preparation early is vital. It allows you to cover the entire syllabus without rushing. Create a study schedule that allocates time for each subject, ensuring you have ample time for revision.

Understanding the Syllabus

Familiarize yourself with the CBSE syllabus. Knowing what topics to focus on can streamline your study process. Break down the syllabus into manageable sections and tackle each one systematically.

Effective Study Techniques

Active Learning

Engage in active learning by taking notes, summarizing information, and teaching concepts to others. This method helps reinforce knowledge and improve retention.

Practice with Past Papers

Solving previous years' question papers is an excellent way to understand the exam pattern. It also helps identify important topics and improve time management skills.

Use of Flashcards

Flashcards are great for memorizing key concepts, definitions, and formulas. They are portable and can be reviewed frequently, making them a handy revision tool.

Time Management During Exams

Create a Study Timetable

Develop a realistic study timetable that includes breaks and leisure activities. This balance prevents burnout and keeps you motivated.

Prioritize Weak Subjects

Identify your weak subjects and devote extra time to them. Strengthening these areas can boost your overall performance.

Regular Revision

Regular revision is crucial for retaining information. Allocate specific times for revision in your timetable to ensure you revisit all topics before the exam.

Staying Healthy and Focused

Balanced Diet and Hydration

Maintain a balanced diet and stay hydrated. Proper nutrition fuels your brain and improves concentration.

Adequate Sleep

Ensure you get enough sleep, especially before exams. A well-rested mind is more alert and better at problem-solving.

Physical Exercise

Incorporate physical exercise into your daily routine. Exercise reduces stress and enhances cognitive function.

Exam Day Strategies

Arrive Early

Reach the exam center early to avoid last-minute stress. Familiarize yourself with the location and the exam room.

Read Instructions Carefully

Before starting the exam, read all instructions carefully. Misunderstanding instructions can lead to errors and lost marks.

Time Allocation

Allocate time to each section of the exam based on its weightage. This strategy helps you manage your time effectively and complete the exam within the allotted period.

Stay Calm

Stay calm and composed during the exam. Panic can hinder your performance. Take deep breaths and focus on one question at a time.

Conclusion

Mastering CBSE exams requires a combination of early preparation, effective study techniques, and a healthy lifestyle. By following these tips, you can enhance your performance and achieve academic success. Remember, consistency and dedication are key to excelling in your exams.

I don't know what I can do anymore, as i get the bug whit raid not spawning really often without any error or clue, I is hard to test whit different mod list because i take a long time to tested. Maybe there are some more obvious problem on my mod list that someone better informed cloud spot? if something i deleted my user folder and content folder on steam and download everything again.
Here my log
Mono path[0] = 'D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Managed'
Mono config path = 'D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/MonoBleedingEdge/etc'
Initialize engine version: 2019.4.30f1 (e8c891080a1f)
[Subsystems] Discovering subsystems at path D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/UnitySubsystems
GfxDevice: creating device client; threaded=1
Direct3D:
Version: Direct3D 11.0 [level 11.1]
Renderer: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1070 (ID=0x1be1)
Vendor:
VRAM: 8060 MB
Driver: 31.0.15.5244
Begin MonoManager ReloadAssembly

• Completed reload, in 0.174 seconds

Initializing input.
Input initialized.
Initialized touch support.
UnloadTime: 0.933400 ms
RimWorld 1.5.4085 rev545
Mod ReGrowth: Wastelands Fishing Patch dependency (regrowth.botr.wastelands) needs to have and/or specified.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Mod ReGrowth: Wastelands Fishing Patch dependency (vanillaexpanded.vcef) needs to have and/or specified.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-0000020375D78110.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-00000203779C1250.dll
[Biomes! Islands v2.2.0.0] Initialized
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037D17E940.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037CF01010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037CB8D010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C946010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C808020.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C85E010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C978820.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-0000020375C89530.dll
1.0.8864 ::
1.0.8865 ::
1.0.8864 ::
[Interaction Bubbles v3.0] Initialized
ReSplice: Charmweavers 1.1-Lurelings-rev5
ReGrowth: Core 3.6-Mundi-rev6
ReGrowth: ReTextures 1.2-Clapham-rev4
ReSplice: Core 1.0.1-Shelley-rev4
Parsed 0.125 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Parsed 0.15 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Parsed 2.5 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Parsed 7.5 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Could not resolve cross-reference: No Verse.SoundDef named Pawn_Melee_Punch_HitBuilding found to give to Verse.RaceProperties Verse.RaceProperties (using undefined sound instead)
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Could not resolve cross-reference: No Verse.SoundDef named Pawn_Melee_Punch_HitBuilding found to give to Verse.RaceProperties Verse.RaceProperties (using undefined sound instead)
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Knowledge data was missing key BMT_HungeringAnimalsConcept. Adding it...
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Knowledge data was missing key BuildersTryMine. Adding it...
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[Pathfinding Framework v0.5.5.0] Mod initialized.
MovementDef count: 9
[Biomes! Core v2.6.2.0] Initialized
[Biomes! Caverns v1.6.3.0] Initialized
Texture LitterBox has dimensions of 256 x 256, but its mask has 64 x 64. This is not supported, texture will be excluded from atlas
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Texture LitterBox has dimensions of 256 x 256, but its mask has 64 x 64. This is not supported, texture will be excluded from atlas
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Translation data for language English has 27 errors. Generate translation report for more info.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[Cherry Picker] The database was processed in 00.64949 seconds and the following defs were removed:

• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Mace,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Shiv,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Gladius,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Ikwa,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Knife,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Spear,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Club,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Axe,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Revolver,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Autopistol,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_BoltActionRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_PumpShotgun,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_MachinePistol,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_SniperRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_AssaultRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_HeavySMG,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_LMG,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Minigun,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_ChainShotgun,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_ChargeRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_ChargeLance,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Mace,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Gladius,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Knife,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Spear,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Sword
  

[KCSG] Vanilla Base Generation Expanded contains 8 missing symbols.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[KCSG] Vanilla Factions Expanded - Ancients contains 4 missing symbols.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
MeditationFocusDef Void does not have a MeditationFocusExtension, which means it will not have an icon in the Psycasts UI.
Please ask Ludeon Studios to add one.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[TrueTerrainColors v1.12.14] Extracted true colors from 1464 terrain defs in 493.71 seconds using a RenderTexture of size 4112x4112.
[XML Extensions] Initialized 1 SettingsMenuDef(s) and found 0 unused key(s) from 0 mod(s)
[XML Extensions] 5033 total patches run in 37945ms, 0 failed
Using DDS for Animals: False
33
Using DDS for Arsenal: False
22
Using DDS for Artistic: False
55
Using DDS for Basic: False
27
Using DDS for Biotech: False
33
Using DDS for Child-Care: False
22
Using DDS for Cuisine: False
47
Using DDS for Factions: False
68
Using DDS for Misc: False
40
Using DDS for Recreation: False
18
Using DDS for Scientific: False
29
Using DDS for Styles: False
133
Using DDS for Vanilla: False
12
Using DDS for Projector-Throne: False
Using DDS for Projector-Throne_grand: False
Setting ERN_Amaro trainability to Advanced
Setting ERN_BigCarbuncle trainability to Advanced
Setting ERN_Carbuncle trainability to Advanced
Setting ERN_Chocobo trainability to Intermediate
PickUpAndHaul v1.1.2¼ welcomes you to RimWorld with pointless logspam.
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Found 5 biome variants in mod Biomes! Islands.
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Found 6 biome variants in mod Biomes! Caverns.
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Found landform data in the following mods: Geological Landforms, Biomes! Caverns
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Loaded 40 landforms of which 0 are edited and 0 are custom.
MVCF successfully applied 56 patches
[ShowMeYourHands]: Defined hand definitions of 320 weapons
adding BorealForestto primary biomes
adding Tundrato primary biomes
adding ColdBogto primary biomes
adding IceSheetto primary biomes
adding TemperateForestto primary biomes
adding TemperateSwampto primary biomes
adding TropicalRainforestto primary biomes
adding TropicalSwampto primary biomes
adding AridShrublandto primary biomes
adding Desertto primary biomes
adding ExtremeDesertto primary biomes
adding RG_TemperateGrasslandto primary biomes
adding RG_AspenForestto primary biomes
adding RG_BoilingForestto primary biomes
adding TemperateGuldenForestto primary biomes
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
Unloading 5 Unused Serialized files (Serialized files now loaded: 7)
Unloading 1421 unused Assets to reduce memory usage. Loaded Objects now: 97345.
Total: 1887.802500 ms (FindLiveObjects: 13.610400 ms CreateObjectMapping: 17.643200 ms MarkObjects: 1845.528100 ms DeleteObjects: 11.020100 ms)
Unloading 3 Unused Serialized files (Serialized files now loaded: 7)
UnloadTime: 0.385100 ms
Unloading 1 unused Assets to reduce memory usage. Loaded Objects now: 97735.
Total: 1540.643400 ms (FindLiveObjects: 5.084100 ms CreateObjectMapping: 16.061600 ms MarkObjects: 1519.352600 ms DeleteObjects: 0.144800 ms)
Initializing new game with mods:

• brrainz.harmony
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Royalty
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Ideology
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Biotech
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Anomaly
  
• tidal.morevanilla.textures
  
• vanillaexpanded.backgrounds
  
• Owlchemist.CherryPicker.tmpfix
  
• OskarPotocki.VanillaFactionsExpanded.Core
  
• ReSplice.XOTR.Charmweavers
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWENL
  
• loregret.veextra.nonlethal
  
• rimsenal.EVP
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaAnimalsExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAEEndAndExt
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAERoy
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAERoy.OmegaChickenPatch
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAEWaste
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAPPE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAEAccessories
  
• VanillaExpanded.VARME
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaBackstoriesExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.BaseGenerationExpanded
  
• Neronix17.Retexture.VanillaBeards
  
• VanillaExpanded.VBrewE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VBrewECandT
  
• VanillaExpanded.VBrewESP
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEPower
  
• VanillaExpanded.VChemfuelE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCookE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCookEStews
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEA
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Empire
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Deserters
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEL
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Pirates
  
• OskarPotocki.VanillaFactionsExpanded.SettlersModule
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Tribals
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCEF
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCEFAddon
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFECore
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEArchitect
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEArt
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEFarming
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEMedical
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEProduction
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEPropsandDecor
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFESecurity
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFESpacer
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VTEXVariations
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPsycastsE
  
• pathfinding.framework
  
• BiomesTeam.BiomesCore
  
• BiomesTeam.BiomesIslands
  
• sarg.alphaanimals
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Mechanoid
  
• Dubwise.DubsBadHygiene
  
• Farxmai2.VanillaFurnitureExpandedPack
  
• VanillaExpanded.VGeneticsE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VGeneticsEMoreLabStuff
  
• VanillaExpanded.VHE
  
• Neronix17.Retexture.VanillaHair
  
• VanillaExpanded.HelixienGas
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.Dryads
  
• VanillaExpanded.VIEHAR
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.IconsandSymbols
  
• VanillaExpanded.VMemesE
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.RelicsAndArtifacts
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.SophianStyle
  
• VanillaExpanded.VIESAS
  
• VanillaExpanded.VNutrientE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPersonaWeaponsE
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.android
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.Core
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.AspenForest
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.BoilingForest
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPlantsE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPlantsEMore
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPlantsESucculents
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPE.Hemosage
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPE.Puppeteer
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.archon
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.customicons
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.fungoid
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.genie
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.highmate
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.hussar
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.lycanthrope
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.phytokin
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.pigskin
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.sanguophage
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.saurid
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.waster
  
• VanillaExpanded.Recycling
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaSocialInteractionsExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.Temperature
  
• VanillaExpanded.VTEXE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaTradingExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEC
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEG
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEHW
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWETB
  
• brrainz.cameraplus
  
• sarg.alphabiomes
  
• sarg.alphagenes
  
• sarg.alphamechs
  
• Sarg.AlphaMemes
  
• sarg.magicalmenagerie
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.DesertExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.BorealForestExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.ReTextures
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.SwampExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.TemperateForestExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.TropicalExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.TundraExpansion
  
• Mlie.ChooseWildAnimalSpawns
  
• Telkir.TMods.MoreFloors
  
• anthitei.athsstylegothic.style
  
• pphhyy.GuldenNew
  
• BiomesTeam.Oasis
  
• m00nl1ght.GeologicalLandforms
  
• BiomesTeam.BiomesCaverns
  
• pphhyy.LightlessEmpyrean
  
• imranfish.xmlextensions
  
• vat.epoeforked
  
• JGH.EPOE
  
• tarojun.epoeforked.AllowDirectCrafting
  
• vat.epoeforkedroyalty
  
• LimeTreeSnake.Systems
  
• Erin.Hairredux
  
• Erin.Hair2
  
• rimsenal.hair
  
• Neronix17.Retexture.RimsenalRimhair
  
• CM.Ideology.Upscaled (incompatible version)
  
• CM.Ideology.Upscaled2 (incompatible version)
  
• Rooboid.RoyalhairHD
  
• Rooboid.GlasseshairHD
  
• Rooboid.Hdhair
  
• TheVanityProject.GenderUnlockedHair
  
• won.hair
  
• won2.hair
  
• JintuziLamian.Hairstyle.AFUWomenshairstyles
  
• JintuziLamian.Hairstyle.AFUMenshairstyles
  
• BotchJob.HTHair
  
• Absolute.Legends.Hair
  
• Erin.AzaphraeBiotech
  
• cf.anomalyupscaled
  
• mosi.MoreMiniHorns
  
• Rimsenal.Spacer
  
• rimsenal.Sophian
  
• rimsenal.Techist
  
• rimsenal.Urb
  
• Rimsenal.Askbarn
  
• Rimsenal.Harana
  
• DBH.Upscaled
  
• Better.Plants
  
• cat2002.showhair
  
• VRES.BetterParts
  
• StyleRevised.Animalist (incompatible version)
  
• Cookie.RealRum
  
• yamazaki.animalhoods
  
• smartkar.athenaframework
  
• Anthitei.ATHsIdeoColorPalette.Colors
  
• Anthitei.ATHsStyleDraconic.Style
  
• Anthitei.ATHsStyleableFramework.Style
  
• telardo.BetterGeneGraphicsFramework
  
• kikohi.BetterGroundPenetratingScanner
  
• EL.BiotechMechRT
  
• marceline.cribretexture
  
• Farxmai2.DBH.Expanded
  
• Hartarok.Dresses
  
• Vesper.EGIHologramsandProjectors
  
• SirVan.EltexWeaponry
  
• det.epochsincense
  
• det.epochspottery
  
• detvisor.glitterweaponry
  
• detvisor.impactweaponry
  
• EL.IonWeaponry
  
• det.phaseweaponry
  
• detvisor.pulseweaponry
  
• com.yayo.yayoAni.continued
  
• Mlie.JinRohKerberosPanzerCopArmor
  
• Gerrymon.KinkyBodyStraps
  
• m00nl1ght.MapPreview
  
• Oken.UseEyesLayerMechanitor
  
• Kierannkkt.MechlordWarcasket
  
• Mo.MHScanner
  
• Taranchuk.ModErrorChecker
  
• Sov.WarcasketWeapons
  
• Mlie.RimworldSpartanFoundry
  
• Mlie.SpartanFoundryWarcraft
  
• Aoba.WarCasket
  
• Mlie.ShowMeYourHands
  
• Mlie.SpookyScarySkeletons
  
• Dra.StyleChangeAnytime
  
• Gerrymon.StylizedSlaveCollar
  
• Qux.Tattoos
  
• Shenanigans.TechTattoos
  
• Rooboid.RooTattoo
  
• oracle.erin.tattoos
  
• Shenanigans.TribalTattoos
  
• JintuziLamian.Gene.XenoCosmetic
  
• zylle.ChildrensDrawings
  
• Happycam.ChristmasTreesExpanded
  
• det.avaloi
  
• det.boglegs
  
• det.stoneborn
  
• det.venators
  
• neronix17.hd.pawns
  
• Erin.Body.Texture
  
• Erin.Cats
  
• Erin.Corvyia
  
• Erin.AuronyaBiotech
  
• Erin.Fenrisulfr
  
• Erin.FFAnimals
  
• Erin.Ferret
  
• Erin.JapaneseCuisine
  
• Erin.JapaneseFurniture
  
• Erin.LizzardDoggo
  
• Erin.Mountain
  
• Erin.Palamutes
  
• Erin.Shisune
  
• MasterLorian.EyeImplantsRetextured
  
• kathanon.FixStyledBlueprints
  
• Tials.Floordrawings
  
• BotchJob.GallatrossandFriendsRetextured
  
• GM.Nautian.Style
  
• Lusty.HelltakerGenes
  
• Hex.Retexture
  
• Rince.Ideo.WarframeSymbols
  
• kikohi.jewelry
  
• Jaxe.Bubbles
  
• Animal.BedsNew
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Mothoids
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Tortle
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Arachnas
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Ceratons
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Ideology.Icons
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Ideology.StylePack
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.HQ
  
• densevoid.onebedtosleepwithall
  
• Mehni.PickUpAndHaul
  
• pphhyy.SanguinaryAnimals
  
• pphhyy.ToxWeapons
  
• Mlie.PrisonersShouldFearTurrets
  
• Mlie.ProstheticNoMissingBodyParts
  
• Uuugggg.ReplaceStuff
  
• Garethp.ReplaceStuffCompatibility
  
• ReSplice.XOTR.Core
  
• telardo.RomanceOnTheRim
  
• Rooboid.BirthmarksandBlemishes
  
• Robotrowful.Apparel
  
• Mlie.RoyalThrumbos
  
• det.dwarvenstyle
  
• FluffyTowels.warcaskethaulpatch
  
• Mersid.WCE2Updated.Core
  
• alt4s.VisitSettlements
  
• TribalCrib.Mod
  
• Gunmar.TribalWarriorSet
  
• Trickity.WC.Rags
  
• zal.vfetmodpatches
  
• Shavius.Oreno.VFE.DubsBadHygiene
  
• SirVan.SteelRetexture
  
• LimeTreeSnake.Xenotech
  
• Koni.Misc.Toxlamps
  
• Trickity.Samurai.Faction.Styles
  
• Ushanka.BiologicalWarfare
  
• Ushanka.LuciferiumExpansion
  
• Ushanka.GlitterworldUprising
  
• det.spacerarsenal
  
• Bonible.vanillalaserretexture (incompatible version)
  
• GHOST.TribalIcons (incompatible version)
  

[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Map added on tile - TileId: 27399, Landforms: , BiomeVariants: , Topology: Inland, TopologyValue: 0, TopologyDirection: South (F)
Unloading 0 Unused Serialized files (Serialized files now loaded: 7)
Unloading 1 unused Assets to reduce memory usage. Loaded Objects now: 103818.
Total: 1610.991700 ms (FindLiveObjects: 4.992200 ms CreateObjectMapping: 10.976600 ms MarkObjects: 1594.827700 ms DeleteObjects: 0.194800 ms)

I don't know what I can do anymore, as i get the bug whit raid not spawning really often without any error or clue, I is hard to test whit different mod list because i take a long time to tested. Maybe there are some more obvious problem on my mod list that someone better informed cloud spot? if something i deleted my user folder and content folder on steam and download everything again.
Here my log
Mono path[0] = 'D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Managed'
Mono config path = 'D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/MonoBleedingEdge/etc'
Initialize engine version: 2019.4.30f1 (e8c891080a1f)
[Subsystems] Discovering subsystems at path D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/UnitySubsystems
GfxDevice: creating device client; threaded=1
Direct3D:
Version: Direct3D 11.0 [level 11.1]
Renderer: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1070 (ID=0x1be1)
Vendor:
VRAM: 8060 MB
Driver: 31.0.15.5244
Begin MonoManager ReloadAssembly

• Completed reload, in 0.174 seconds

Initializing input.
Input initialized.
Initialized touch support.
UnloadTime: 0.933400 ms
RimWorld 1.5.4085 rev545
Mod ReGrowth: Wastelands Fishing Patch dependency (regrowth.botr.wastelands) needs to have and/or specified.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Mod ReGrowth: Wastelands Fishing Patch dependency (vanillaexpanded.vcef) needs to have and/or specified.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-0000020375D78110.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-00000203779C1250.dll
[Biomes! Islands v2.2.0.0] Initialized
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037D17E940.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037CF01010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037CB8D010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C946010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C808020.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C85E010.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-000002037C978820.dll
Fallback handler could not load library D:/Steam/steamapps/common/RimWorld/RimWorldWin64_Data/Mono/data-0000020375C89530.dll
1.0.8864 ::
1.0.8865 ::
1.0.8864 ::
[Interaction Bubbles v3.0] Initialized
ReSplice: Charmweavers 1.1-Lurelings-rev5
ReGrowth: Core 3.6-Mundi-rev6
ReGrowth: ReTextures 1.2-Clapham-rev4
ReSplice: Core 1.0.1-Shelley-rev4
Parsed 0.125 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Parsed 0.15 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Parsed 2.5 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Parsed 7.5 as int.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Could not resolve cross-reference: No Verse.SoundDef named Pawn_Melee_Punch_HitBuilding found to give to Verse.RaceProperties Verse.RaceProperties (using undefined sound instead)
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Could not resolve cross-reference: No Verse.SoundDef named Pawn_Melee_Punch_HitBuilding found to give to Verse.RaceProperties Verse.RaceProperties (using undefined sound instead)
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Knowledge data was missing key BMT_HungeringAnimalsConcept. Adding it...
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Knowledge data was missing key BuildersTryMine. Adding it...
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[Pathfinding Framework v0.5.5.0] Mod initialized.
MovementDef count: 9
[Biomes! Core v2.6.2.0] Initialized
[Biomes! Caverns v1.6.3.0] Initialized
Texture LitterBox has dimensions of 256 x 256, but its mask has 64 x 64. This is not supported, texture will be excluded from atlas
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Texture LitterBox has dimensions of 256 x 256, but its mask has 64 x 64. This is not supported, texture will be excluded from atlas
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
Translation data for language English has 27 errors. Generate translation report for more info.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[Cherry Picker] The database was processed in 00.64949 seconds and the following defs were removed:

• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Mace,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Shiv,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Gladius,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Ikwa,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Knife,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Spear,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Club,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Animalist_Axe,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Revolver,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Autopistol,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_BoltActionRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_PumpShotgun,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_MachinePistol,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_SniperRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_AssaultRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_HeavySMG,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_LMG,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Minigun,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_ChainShotgun,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_ChargeRifle,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_ChargeLance,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Mace,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Gladius,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Knife,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Spear,
  
• ThingStyleDef/AM_Techist_Sword
  

[KCSG] Vanilla Base Generation Expanded contains 8 missing symbols.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[KCSG] Vanilla Factions Expanded - Ancients contains 4 missing symbols.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
MeditationFocusDef Void does not have a MeditationFocusExtension, which means it will not have an icon in the Psycasts UI.
Please ask Ludeon Studios to add one.
(Filename: C:\buildslave\unity\build\Runtime/Export/Debug/Debug.bindings.h Line: 39)
[TrueTerrainColors v1.12.14] Extracted true colors from 1464 terrain defs in 493.71 seconds using a RenderTexture of size 4112x4112.
[XML Extensions] Initialized 1 SettingsMenuDef(s) and found 0 unused key(s) from 0 mod(s)
[XML Extensions] 5033 total patches run in 37945ms, 0 failed
Using DDS for Animals: False
33
Using DDS for Arsenal: False
22
Using DDS for Artistic: False
55
Using DDS for Basic: False
27
Using DDS for Biotech: False
33
Using DDS for Child-Care: False
22
Using DDS for Cuisine: False
47
Using DDS for Factions: False
68
Using DDS for Misc: False
40
Using DDS for Recreation: False
18
Using DDS for Scientific: False
29
Using DDS for Styles: False
133
Using DDS for Vanilla: False
12
Using DDS for Projector-Throne: False
Using DDS for Projector-Throne_grand: False
Setting ERN_Amaro trainability to Advanced
Setting ERN_BigCarbuncle trainability to Advanced
Setting ERN_Carbuncle trainability to Advanced
Setting ERN_Chocobo trainability to Intermediate
PickUpAndHaul v1.1.2¼ welcomes you to RimWorld with pointless logspam.
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Found 5 biome variants in mod Biomes! Islands.
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Found 6 biome variants in mod Biomes! Caverns.
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Found landform data in the following mods: Geological Landforms, Biomes! Caverns
[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Loaded 40 landforms of which 0 are edited and 0 are custom.
MVCF successfully applied 56 patches
[ShowMeYourHands]: Defined hand definitions of 320 weapons
adding BorealForestto primary biomes
adding Tundrato primary biomes
adding ColdBogto primary biomes
adding IceSheetto primary biomes
adding TemperateForestto primary biomes
adding TemperateSwampto primary biomes
adding TropicalRainforestto primary biomes
adding TropicalSwampto primary biomes
adding AridShrublandto primary biomes
adding Desertto primary biomes
adding ExtremeDesertto primary biomes
adding RG_TemperateGrasslandto primary biomes
adding RG_AspenForestto primary biomes
adding RG_BoilingForestto primary biomes
adding TemperateGuldenForestto primary biomes
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
finished biome cycle
Unloading 5 Unused Serialized files (Serialized files now loaded: 7)
Unloading 1421 unused Assets to reduce memory usage. Loaded Objects now: 97345.
Total: 1887.802500 ms (FindLiveObjects: 13.610400 ms CreateObjectMapping: 17.643200 ms MarkObjects: 1845.528100 ms DeleteObjects: 11.020100 ms)
Unloading 3 Unused Serialized files (Serialized files now loaded: 7)
UnloadTime: 0.385100 ms
Unloading 1 unused Assets to reduce memory usage. Loaded Objects now: 97735.
Total: 1540.643400 ms (FindLiveObjects: 5.084100 ms CreateObjectMapping: 16.061600 ms MarkObjects: 1519.352600 ms DeleteObjects: 0.144800 ms)
Initializing new game with mods:

• brrainz.harmony
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Royalty
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Ideology
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Biotech
  
• Ludeon.RimWorld.Anomaly
  
• tidal.morevanilla.textures
  
• vanillaexpanded.backgrounds
  
• Owlchemist.CherryPicker.tmpfix
  
• OskarPotocki.VanillaFactionsExpanded.Core
  
• ReSplice.XOTR.Charmweavers
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWENL
  
• loregret.veextra.nonlethal
  
• rimsenal.EVP
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaAnimalsExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAEEndAndExt
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAERoy
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAERoy.OmegaChickenPatch
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAEWaste
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAPPE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VAEAccessories
  
• VanillaExpanded.VARME
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaBackstoriesExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.BaseGenerationExpanded
  
• Neronix17.Retexture.VanillaBeards
  
• VanillaExpanded.VBrewE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VBrewECandT
  
• VanillaExpanded.VBrewESP
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEPower
  
• VanillaExpanded.VChemfuelE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCookE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCookEStews
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEA
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Empire
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Deserters
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEL
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Pirates
  
• OskarPotocki.VanillaFactionsExpanded.SettlersModule
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Tribals
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCEF
  
• VanillaExpanded.VCEFAddon
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFECore
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEArchitect
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEArt
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEFarming
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEMedical
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEProduction
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFEPropsandDecor
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFESecurity
  
• VanillaExpanded.VFESpacer
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VTEXVariations
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPsycastsE
  
• pathfinding.framework
  
• BiomesTeam.BiomesCore
  
• BiomesTeam.BiomesIslands
  
• sarg.alphaanimals
  
• OskarPotocki.VFE.Mechanoid
  
• Dubwise.DubsBadHygiene
  
• Farxmai2.VanillaFurnitureExpandedPack
  
• VanillaExpanded.VGeneticsE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VGeneticsEMoreLabStuff
  
• VanillaExpanded.VHE
  
• Neronix17.Retexture.VanillaHair
  
• VanillaExpanded.HelixienGas
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.Dryads
  
• VanillaExpanded.VIEHAR
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.IconsandSymbols
  
• VanillaExpanded.VMemesE
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.RelicsAndArtifacts
  
• VanillaExpanded.Ideo.SophianStyle
  
• VanillaExpanded.VIESAS
  
• VanillaExpanded.VNutrientE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPersonaWeaponsE
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.android
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.Core
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.AspenForest
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.BoilingForest
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPlantsE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPlantsEMore
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPlantsESucculents
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPE.Hemosage
  
• VanillaExpanded.VPE.Puppeteer
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.archon
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.customicons
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.fungoid
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.genie
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.highmate
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.hussar
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.lycanthrope
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.phytokin
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.pigskin
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.sanguophage
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.saurid
  
• vanillaracesexpanded.waster
  
• VanillaExpanded.Recycling
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaSocialInteractionsExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.Temperature
  
• VanillaExpanded.VTEXE
  
• VanillaExpanded.VanillaTradingExpanded
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEC
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEG
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWEHW
  
• VanillaExpanded.VWETB
  
• brrainz.cameraplus
  
• sarg.alphabiomes
  
• sarg.alphagenes
  
• sarg.alphamechs
  
• Sarg.AlphaMemes
  
• sarg.magicalmenagerie
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.DesertExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.BorealForestExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.ReTextures
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.SwampExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.TemperateForestExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.TropicalExpansion
  
• ReGrowth.BOTR.TundraExpansion
  
• Mlie.ChooseWildAnimalSpawns
  
• Telkir.TMods.MoreFloors
  
• anthitei.athsstylegothic.style
  
• pphhyy.GuldenNew
  
• BiomesTeam.Oasis
  
• m00nl1ght.GeologicalLandforms
  
• BiomesTeam.BiomesCaverns
  
• pphhyy.LightlessEmpyrean
  
• imranfish.xmlextensions
  
• vat.epoeforked
  
• JGH.EPOE
  
• tarojun.epoeforked.AllowDirectCrafting
  
• vat.epoeforkedroyalty
  
• LimeTreeSnake.Systems
  
• Erin.Hairredux
  
• Erin.Hair2
  
• rimsenal.hair
  
• Neronix17.Retexture.RimsenalRimhair
  
• CM.Ideology.Upscaled (incompatible version)
  
• CM.Ideology.Upscaled2 (incompatible version)
  
• Rooboid.RoyalhairHD
  
• Rooboid.GlasseshairHD
  
• Rooboid.Hdhair
  
• TheVanityProject.GenderUnlockedHair
  
• won.hair
  
• won2.hair
  
• JintuziLamian.Hairstyle.AFUWomenshairstyles
  
• JintuziLamian.Hairstyle.AFUMenshairstyles
  
• BotchJob.HTHair
  
• Absolute.Legends.Hair
  
• Erin.AzaphraeBiotech
  
• cf.anomalyupscaled
  
• mosi.MoreMiniHorns
  
• Rimsenal.Spacer
  
• rimsenal.Sophian
  
• rimsenal.Techist
  
• rimsenal.Urb
  
• Rimsenal.Askbarn
  
• Rimsenal.Harana
  
• DBH.Upscaled
  
• Better.Plants
  
• cat2002.showhair
  
• VRES.BetterParts
  
• StyleRevised.Animalist (incompatible version)
  
• Cookie.RealRum
  
• yamazaki.animalhoods
  
• smartkar.athenaframework
  
• Anthitei.ATHsIdeoColorPalette.Colors
  
• Anthitei.ATHsStyleDraconic.Style
  
• Anthitei.ATHsStyleableFramework.Style
  
• telardo.BetterGeneGraphicsFramework
  
• kikohi.BetterGroundPenetratingScanner
  
• EL.BiotechMechRT
  
• marceline.cribretexture
  
• Farxmai2.DBH.Expanded
  
• Hartarok.Dresses
  
• Vesper.EGIHologramsandProjectors
  
• SirVan.EltexWeaponry
  
• det.epochsincense
  
• det.epochspottery
  
• detvisor.glitterweaponry
  
• detvisor.impactweaponry
  
• EL.IonWeaponry
  
• det.phaseweaponry
  
• detvisor.pulseweaponry
  
• com.yayo.yayoAni.continued
  
• Mlie.JinRohKerberosPanzerCopArmor
  
• Gerrymon.KinkyBodyStraps
  
• m00nl1ght.MapPreview
  
• Oken.UseEyesLayerMechanitor
  
• Kierannkkt.MechlordWarcasket
  
• Mo.MHScanner
  
• Taranchuk.ModErrorChecker
  
• Sov.WarcasketWeapons
  
• Mlie.RimworldSpartanFoundry
  
• Mlie.SpartanFoundryWarcraft
  
• Aoba.WarCasket
  
• Mlie.ShowMeYourHands
  
• Mlie.SpookyScarySkeletons
  
• Dra.StyleChangeAnytime
  
• Gerrymon.StylizedSlaveCollar
  
• Qux.Tattoos
  
• Shenanigans.TechTattoos
  
• Rooboid.RooTattoo
  
• oracle.erin.tattoos
  
• Shenanigans.TribalTattoos
  
• JintuziLamian.Gene.XenoCosmetic
  
• zylle.ChildrensDrawings
  
• Happycam.ChristmasTreesExpanded
  
• det.avaloi
  
• det.boglegs
  
• det.stoneborn
  
• det.venators
  
• neronix17.hd.pawns
  
• Erin.Body.Texture
  
• Erin.Cats
  
• Erin.Corvyia
  
• Erin.AuronyaBiotech
  
• Erin.Fenrisulfr
  
• Erin.FFAnimals
  
• Erin.Ferret
  
• Erin.JapaneseCuisine
  
• Erin.JapaneseFurniture
  
• Erin.LizzardDoggo
  
• Erin.Mountain
  
• Erin.Palamutes
  
• Erin.Shisune
  
• MasterLorian.EyeImplantsRetextured
  
• kathanon.FixStyledBlueprints
  
• Tials.Floordrawings
  
• BotchJob.GallatrossandFriendsRetextured
  
• GM.Nautian.Style
  
• Lusty.HelltakerGenes
  
• Hex.Retexture
  
• Rince.Ideo.WarframeSymbols
  
• kikohi.jewelry
  
• Jaxe.Bubbles
  
• Animal.BedsNew
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Mothoids
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Tortle
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Arachnas
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Xenos.Ceratons
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Ideology.Icons
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.Ideology.StylePack
  
• ObsidiaExpansion.HQ
  
• densevoid.onebedtosleepwithall
  
• Mehni.PickUpAndHaul
  
• pphhyy.SanguinaryAnimals
  
• pphhyy.ToxWeapons
  
• Mlie.PrisonersShouldFearTurrets
  
• Mlie.ProstheticNoMissingBodyParts
  
• Uuugggg.ReplaceStuff
  
• Garethp.ReplaceStuffCompatibility
  
• ReSplice.XOTR.Core
  
• telardo.RomanceOnTheRim
  
• Rooboid.BirthmarksandBlemishes
  
• Robotrowful.Apparel
  
• Mlie.RoyalThrumbos
  
• det.dwarvenstyle
  
• FluffyTowels.warcaskethaulpatch
  
• Mersid.WCE2Updated.Core
  
• alt4s.VisitSettlements
  
• TribalCrib.Mod
  
• Gunmar.TribalWarriorSet
  
• Trickity.WC.Rags
  
• zal.vfetmodpatches
  
• Shavius.Oreno.VFE.DubsBadHygiene
  
• SirVan.SteelRetexture
  
• LimeTreeSnake.Xenotech
  
• Koni.Misc.Toxlamps
  
• Trickity.Samurai.Faction.Styles
  
• Ushanka.BiologicalWarfare
  
• Ushanka.LuciferiumExpansion
  
• Ushanka.GlitterworldUprising
  
• det.spacerarsenal
  
• Bonible.vanillalaserretexture (incompatible version)
  
• GHOST.TribalIcons (incompatible version)
  

[Geological Landforms v1.6.10] Map added on tile - TileId: 27399, Landforms: , BiomeVariants: , Topology: Inland, TopologyValue: 0, TopologyDirection: South (F)
Unloading 0 Unused Serialized files (Serialized files now loaded: 7)
Unloading 1 unused Assets to reduce memory usage. Loaded Objects now: 103818.
Total: 1610.991700 ms (FindLiveObjects: 4.992200 ms CreateObjectMapping: 10.976600 ms MarkObjects: 1594.827700 ms DeleteObjects: 0.194800 ms)

#include  #include  #include  #include  #include  #include  #include  #include  #include  #include  namespace qml { struct property { std::string name; std::string value; }; struct element { std::string type; std::vector properties; std::vector children; }; } BOOST_FUSION_ADAPT_STRUCT(qml::property, name, value) BOOST_FUSION_ADAPT_STRUCT(qml::element, type, properties, children) namespace qi = boost::spirit::qi; namespace phoenix = boost::phoenix; template  struct QmlParser : qi::grammar { QmlParser() : QmlParser::base_type(start) { using namespace qi; quoted_string %= lexeme['"' >> +(char_ - '"') >> '"']; unquoted_string %= lexeme[+(char_ - (char_("{") char_("}") char_(":") char_(";") qi::space))]; property_rule %= unquoted_string >> ':' >> (quoted_string unquoted_string); properties_rule %= *property_rule; element_rule %= unquoted_string >> '{' >> properties_rule >> *element_rule >> '}'; start = element_rule; } qi::rule quoted_string; qi::rule unquoted_string; qi::rule property_rule; qi::rule(), qi::space_type> properties_rule; qi::rule element_rule; qi::rule start; }; void print_element(const qml::element& el, int indent = 0) { std::string indentation(indent, ' '); std::cout << indentation << "Element type: " << el.type << "\n"; for (const auto& prop : el.properties) { std::cout << indentation << " Property: " << prop.name << " = " << prop.value << "\n"; } for (const auto& child : el.children) { print_element(child, indent + 2); } } int main(int argc, char* argv[]) { if (argc != 2) { std::cerr << "Usage: " << argv[0] << " " << std::endl; return 1; } std::ifstream file(argv[1]); if (!file) { std::cerr << "Error: Could not open file " << argv[1] << std::endl; return 1; } std::stringstream buffer; buffer << file.rdbuf(); std::string input = buffer.str(); auto it = input.begin(); auto end = input.end(); qml::element root; QmlParser parser; bool r = qi::phrase_parse(it, end, parser, qi::space, root); if (r && it == end) { std::cout << "Parse success\n"; print_element(root); } else { std::cout << "Parse failed\n"; std::cout << "Remaining unparsed: '" << std::string(it, end) << "'\n"; } return 0; } 

ApplicationWindow { visible: true width: 640 height: 480 title: "Nested QML Example" Rectangle { id: rect1 visible: true width: 800 height: 600 title: "Advanced QML with JavaScript Example" Rectangle { id: mainRect width: parent.width height: parent.height color: "#f0f0f0" ColumnLayout { anchors.centerIn: parent spacing: 20 Text { text: "Advanced QML with JavaScript" font.pixelSize: 24 Layout.alignment: Qt.AlignCenter } RowLayout { spacing: 10 Layout.alignment: Qt.AlignCenter Button { id: button1 text: "Button 1" } Button { id: button2 text: "Button 2" } Button { id: button3 text: "Button 3" } } Rectangle { width: 200 height: 100 color: "#ffcc00" radius: 10 Text { id: messageLabel text: "Press a button" anchors.centerIn: parent font.pixelSize: 18 } } Slider { id: slider width: 300 from: 0 to: 100 value: 50 } ProgressBar { id: progressBar width: 300 value: slider.value } } } } } 

I lost my grandpa last week in a car crash. The man lived an amazing life and was ready to go. He was 100 and he and his wife (my step grandma who I will call Jane.) decided to take a road trip to the beach. I say they decided to go on spring break because you have to try and find a little humor in life.
He was pronounced dead on the scene but unfortunately his wife was seriously injured, is now incapacitated and at the hospital which is in a different city from their retirement home. She has serious brain trauma and is recovering a little but it’s going to be very slow and who knows…She can barely speak, can’t walk, can’t eat.
I was named executor of the estate. Everything is in a trust in NC. Obviously this was never supposed to happen and my responsibilities were supposed to kick in when both had passed. I was named executor to serve as a buffer between my aunt and father. Jane has a tough time with my aunt. The feeling is mutual between them…
My aunt and father are there with her. They are telling me that I have some responsibilities now and my aunt is upset that I’m not doing more. She paid the cremation services for my grandpa and wants reimbursed. I’m like Jane isn’t dead yet…I can’t rob her to reimburse you. She’s calling me about death certificate details and wants to get into their home. There is talk about getting power of attorney over Jane because their bills need to be paid. I was thinking if this needs to happen I would turn the trust over to a fiduciary. They have a villa in a nice retirement home and Jane will likely need to move out of it and into the long term care wing but right now it’s day-by-day.
I’ve read that I need to figure out how to notify his pension fund. Hopefully the funeral home notified the Social Security administration. Going to ask the lawyer about power of attorney.
This is a mess!! Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. I’m going to call their estate attorney today.

Guardian- do this, do this, buy this, get teleported, talk to them, now here’s 6 main quests, here’s some loot, now do some inventory management, get teleported, here’s 20 bounties, here’s the season pass and the achievements and the achievments for achieving achievements and the account achievment ranker. Go do the season objective and the pre-DLC seasonal objective. Now our new interactive map with 20 different map icons all flashing away at you, begging for your attention.
Absolute brain overload. Scrolling through these menus feels like im in a dystopian sci-fi horror film. After an hour I had to turn the game off because my head hurt and I had very little fun.
Please, Bungie, put me on a damn map and let me shoot aliens. Your game is good but your presentation is absolute shit.

So today I had a meeting, it went great, then I found out I was getting some money paid to me soon for a small car crash I was in last year and then a nice bus driver let me on for free. Just a nice run of things this morning, I felt calm and lovely. I got home and suddenly I started feeling my stomach churn, and felt emotional and really anxious. Right now I can feel it inside me like a big ball of nervous energy, I know usually it’ll sit there for a while, I’ve tried to regulate but it keeps coming back, it may or may not turn into a big panic attack later.
My biggest trigger is being happy or relaxed. I’ve been meditating more and trying to get into a more calm state but as soon as I’m there a switch is flicked and anxiety and panic attacks always follow.
My default state from very young has been hyper vigilance, I have had calm periods as a teen and young adult but then a trauma always followed, loss, abuse, assault etc.
I’ve got therapy today so will be discussing this with my therapist. I’ve done tons of CBT and know all the techniques for calming down but this is my body not my brain, my body can’t stand feeling relaxed for long, it must always be on the look out, watching and waiting. It makes me feel so sad, I want to let it all go, and be free to just live my life, but terror and unsafe feelings drag me back to watching and waiting again.
Has anyone overcome this? I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel? Also has anyone had issues even trusting that this is the real issue, I confuse my hyper vigilant state sometimes with being unwell, like “If I feel like this I must be in danger, maybe I’m about to suddenly fall ill or have some terrible medical event” I have health anxiety as well which doesn’t help as I’m always thinking panic attacks are strokes, heart issues or me literally going insane. I’m dissociating a lot less but this feeling everything is pretty terrifying.

This is something people outside the cptsd experience seem absolutely unaware of. It goes beyond (and so much worse) the realm of things like depression and anxiety (at least for me).
Your body is overall weaker firstly. We don’t go outside much and workouts can be rare (if present at all). Coupled with poor sleep and lack of appetite, you loose so much weight, your muscle strength and endurance bottoms out quickly, tiredness is constant, even the energy to think is too low to improve consistently.
Then there are specific trauma ailments, due to whatever is tormenting you emotionally. For me that leads to a lot of mental block (literally feels like someone jammed a huge block in my brain), tinnitus occurrence, gagging & nausea, to even shaking and shivering in the worst moments. You’re on edge, ready to breakdown at the slightest inconvenience.
There’s the constant medical scare if your symptoms are of some other ailment outside ptsd, and you have to often get tests and vitals checked just to be sure.
Psychiatry medications help you regulate, but also have side effects that can contribute to the above.
Your immune system is overall weaker too. Basic things like flu hit harder and take longer to recover. It can exacerbate any of the above. And if you have any other comorbidity, chronic or mental illnesses already, talk about destination fucked! And let’s not forget the high cortisol level and inflammations all this stress is causing us and priming us for future ailments. Deterioration.
I’m in the thick of it all currently. And writing this for anyone else dealing with this kind of shit. No wonder we are further low on motivation and the will to exist. Who would wanna live like this! 🤮
Let this be a reminder how much gentler and caring we need to be to ourselves, especially when no one else is. I know you don’t even want to because of that. But remember it’s all cyclical, and health really is the most important thing! I’ve lived with depression for almost a decade before, and never felt I was struggling to survive like this! It’s seems obvious but so hard to achieve stable physical health. But it could ease things so much if we do! Little by little I guess. 🤍
Ps. Sorry if I missed anything. Feel free to use this as a space to call out awareness to other physical struggles if you want to.
Pps. Not getting into the sex-drive aspect of things. That’s a differently complex final boss. 👹 CPTSD really is a souls-like game ain’t it. No checkpoint bonfires or trophies though.

Dear, Reader
In these systems, they are the people's families that are coming back from beyond the grave to get revenge, for things you never even did apparently. This is accomplished through entering a system they have created. They are still threatening me with death and then its over, or death and then being taken into an interface system and tortured by a group of ruthless beings that get off on your suffering, over things that never even happened. They blame their target, or family members target, and then destroy their lives, their health, their career, their relationships. EVERYTHING, gets destroyed by them. Even if you were completely innocent. I never did anything criminal to anyone, so how can they justify 8.5+ years of pure torture, while they are touching themselves to my suffering, and nobody stepped in to help me? Instead they were all trying to kill me. I was the light this whole time, and they all wanted to murder ME. I even tried saving peoples lives while they were torturing me.
I never even took advantage of people. I hate how people interpret things often. This weird concept eludes a lot of people, but I was young once too. Everyone is younger and grows up from whatever areas in their lives that affected their development. I'm basically trying to say that, stats are different in all cards, and if you have a card that registers a 13, when the scale is only being seen in 1-8 or 10. Also needs to be said is that just because someone starts with a crappy stat, it isn't the end of the world. Like Super Mario Kart. Wiping out part way in doesn't mean you can't catch up in whatever ways you were lacking when wiped out. Often when you are in the lead, you get bananas after a while, but when you are in last place, you get a lot of lightning bolts and red shells and stars. Who controls that programming? It's karmic in a way as well. Pick your character, I am going to be princess peach! There are a lot of "?" boxes in this map!

• Robert W. Christie

TW for mention of critical illness, hospitals, parental strife
This story spans over a few years so I'm sure I'll have to edit this to clarify.
When I was 17 years old I got diagnosed with a thing in my brain* through an MRI.
^\The shorthand is "AVM" for arteriovenous malformation, a tangle of blood vessels that irregularly connects arteries and veins. In the brain, it can cause brain bleeds which affect cognitive and motor function and can also result in death. The way i explain it is that you've got the blood pressure and flood of an artery going into a deformed clump of capillaires and veins with thin walls, deforming them further. The risk of rupture increases every year. Idk if it sounds scary enough like that, but it's like a ticking time bomb.)
I got gamma radiation shortly after, which is only relevant because they use a metal frame with metal spikes they drill against your skull so you can’t move your head during radiation. I chose this method of treatment because it was supposed to be quick and painless with no general anaesthesia but it turned out that the treatment experience was completely traumatising and I’m still living with a clinical PTSD diagnosis following that.
This mode of treatment aims at calcifying the inside of the veins in a specific zone and the gradual closing of vulnerable veins can take from 6 m to 3y.
I have siblings and we’ve all always been afraid of our dad. He was always extremely authoritative and we were very well behaved because of that. He got angry very easily, and the smallest thing would send him storming off screaming and breaking things, preceded by silent treatment (which was somehow the scariest all). He’d punish us extremely strictly, and would often drive up to 40km/h over the speed limit to scare or punish us, the reasoning was something like « if we all die it’s your fault because we made me angry).
All this to say my relationship with my father has always been extremely vertical and our relationship never grew into something like equal footing and I always got extremely nervous and scared whenever I was about to meet with him.
This being said, there is no amount of words I can use to describe the depth of my love for him. He drove us around without a protest for hours and hours and hours, gave us a beautiful luxurious life and never missed any of our important dates. Birthdays and chistmases were an avalanches of gifts and we were completely spoiled. He was extremely involved and I know he loves me so much. I’ve stopped speaking to him a few years ago but it truly breaks my heart because I love him so much and I miss the smell of his aftershave and I know he misses me very much too.
When the MRI result came back, my dad was there. He was the one who walked up to me and said « everything is fine, there is just a *little* thing.
I’m sure this was hard for him because his mom died of cancer when he was 28, but he never mentioned it in relation to my illness.
Pretty quickly, my dad stopped me whenever I mentioned illness and made sure I amended any mention of the experience by adding a sweetened positive twist at the end like « I’m glad I learned so much » or « but I grew so much from the experience ».
Gradually and too seamlessly for me to really notice, he decided I was « cured » and would no longer tolerate any mention of illness. He’s get impatient, tell me off, and even genuinely angry when I did. He’d say « you’re cured now » and « idk why you keep talking about this, it’s in the past now, you need to move on and live life ». Important note here : he is not a doctor, just a regular dad in the world with zero medical knowledge.
I don’t know if it was his own version of « manifesting » healing for me or a symptom of his fear. I wonder if he misunderstood the neurologist saying it could take up to three years to see if the treatment was effective. Before the 3 year mark, with no tests and MRIS to back it, he’s managed to completely convince himself and the rest of the family that I was cured and only still talking about it for attention. He even invented a pseudo-psychological term he dubbed the « syndrome of the sick child » to belittle my fear and worry and terror and loneliness, which if I understand his concept correctly meant I was clinging to an expired diagnosis in order to be babied and gat my parents attention. IDK maybe this can give you insight into his personality, how convincing he could be.
And it was just a really lonely experience for me. All of the « why are you still talking about this you ‘re cured and you need to move on now », while still trying to cope with so much fear of dying at all times, without having anywhere to talk about it. I wonder if the lack of parental support I experienced thought such a traumatising experience as a teenager and then as a young adult was what contributed to transform the trauma into clinical PTSD (diagnosed).
Eventually, I got my 3-year mark MRI. The radiologist was my dad’s BIL and he called my dad and gave him the result directly instead of contacting me directly. I was a legal adult and ab. 22 by then. My dad then called me on the phone, I remember the conversation so clearly, he said I was cured and I proceeded to call my mom and grandparents and best friend to share the news.
yay now you can move on. When he got home he popped a bottle of champagne open in celebration.
This was so tough because something didn’t quite sit right with me. Because of growing up hypervigilent I’m usually good at telling when someone is lying and twisitng the truth.
He seemed off on the phone, and in person, and I couldn’t tell if it wasn’t just that I couldn’t imagine life ebbing cured.
A few days later the BIL called me and said there was a lil persisting on the MRI. I wonder if I’d been brainwashed by my dad already by the time BIL called because when I asked dad if there was anything he didn’t tell me, he said « well you can’t expect to be 100% cured with things like this », and « 99% cured is the same as 100% » and other things of the sort. It was like he’d twisted the results in favour of his opinion.
By that time, I was stuck and really confused, and everyone was already convinced I was cured. And it got really hard for me to know what to do and where to turn because I was till so young and the hospital system was so confusing.
It took two years for me to decide to get a second opinion. Someone else looked at the MRI and said there was still something left, but since I’d heard my dad assure me it meant I was cured, it took considerable effort for me to reach out to my service in the hospital again for an appointment with the specialist I’d seen back when I was 17. This alone was extremely challenging because no one took be seriously, and I had to call the secretary office on a daily basis for a couple weeks to ask what I should do to get a confirmation I was cured. I’m quite headstrong and I wanted to hear from the specialist directly that I was cured do as to have no doubts at all. Throughout this, dad tried to discourage me and then eventually accepted it might be the only way for me to move on.
The MRI happened and I sat in the neurosurgeons office at the hospital of my nightmares asking if my results were conducive with full recovery. He confirmed there was something left, and then that the aim of treatment is to be completely cured. That the malformation should not be visible on an MRI once it was cured. He added that the risk of rupture increased each year. I soon had another more intrusive san done and it confirmed there was a little left, which meant I needed to get another round of Gamma radiation.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
The second round of treatment was just as traumatising as I’d remembered the first round to be.
I don’t know what to do with how angry I am with my dad. He lied to me and invited all of us to live in a fiction of his making, thus endangering me. Every insistence I’d been cured and needed to move on when I wasn’t, and in fact the risk of me having an aneyrism was growing with every day.
The worst is that he never apologised. He instantly switched up his story and started pretending he’d never said I was cured. He created a whole new fiction where « he’d always insisted I’d get a more thorough MRI checkup ». It’s so unfair. How he can’t embrace a world where he’s wronged me, and not because it destroyed me but because he can’t be wrong. He has to be perfect. How unfair.
I most likely wouldn’t have mede it past the age of fifty if I’d believed of indeed obeyed him.
I used to check my memories again to make sure I hadn’t made it up, and eventually I accepted I’d never get an apology. And that I was wronged and I didn’t deserve that. And that I should’ve gotten the support I needed.
I’m cured now, I sat in another doctors office a year ago and he said my MRI came back normal and the AVM was no longer on the scan. I’m really proud I was so headstrong.
And eventually I decided to take distance from my dad, and life improved when I stopped talking to him. I know it hurts him, and that he’s extremely angry. He expresses this to my siblings, and I know they get punished in my stead and I feel so guilty. But I can’t be around my dad, I’m too angry. I’m trying to live with the love I have for him in my heart, with my childhood memories and the guilt and missing him and then more guilt for being happier now that I don’t have to talk to him and listen to his tirades. And I worry for my siblings who still talk to him, because he doesn’t treat them kindly and they deserve so much love and admiration and support, which he’d never give them.
I used to want to press charges and I wonder if he shouldn’t be in prison for what he did but he’s a vicious man and he’s go to much money and friends in high places that I couldn’t take him on. And things would get ugly, I know. I just wish he could pay for what he did.
I’ll update later for typos and clarifications :)

Okay, here we go. Big rant incoming. This post is going to be extremely long and a bit whiny, but I would only write something like this because I really do love this game, and I am passionate about the decisions that go into game design & player experience. Feel free to skip to the TLDR. Obviously: SPOILERS
I'll start this off by saying that I have like 1000 hours in Valheim and I absolutely love the core aspects of the game. I also like to think of myself as a pretty skilled player compared to the average/target audience. I've done many Valheim playthroughs over the past few years, including a hardcore playthrough through Yagluth with no deaths, and a no-map/compass only playthrough. Even so, while the Ashlands as a biome felt "off" from even before the release, I generally blamed this on "skill issue", and figured progression would ameliorate some of the issues. After doing basically everything there is to do in the biome, I've come to the conclusion that it does not get better: the Ashlands gameplay loop is fundamentally anti-player experience. Here' why:
Mob density and lava is anti-exploration: Valheim, at its core, is an adventure & exploration game. If you take out the exploration, you're left with a resource collection simulator with awkward movement and basic combat. Like the Mistlands before it, the Ashlands presents immediate barriers to exploration. To even set foot into the biome you need top tier gear from the previous biome and an industrial grade multi-biome farm producing all of the best foods and meads.
However, while the Mistlands progression allows you to eventually overcome its barriers to exploration with the introduction of magic and new mechanical items (like the feather cape), the Ashlands never gets any less hostile. There are no lava-immunity boots, no anti-spawning beacons, no nothing. You just get a pretty okay gear upgrade, and a big fuck you. In fact, because of the unrelenting charred hordes, Valkyries, and marathon-running Asksvins, you're actually punished for exploring too far from your steadfast.
The only reasonable way to map the biome is by sprinting in Fenris armor with an Asksvin cape and Moder, which fundamentally destroys the immersion of the exploration anyways. After all this time in the biome, I've explored less than a half of a single of the Ashlands continents in my world. And why should I? What do I even gain from it? This leads me into my next big problem:
The Ashlands is unrewarding: To invest such tremendous effort into a biome there needs to be an equally tremendous reward. Spoiler: there isn't! You can expect to die a LOT in the biome, meaning your hard-earned skills are going to wither away, making you substantially weaker overall. What are you offered in return for this? Not much! The new heavy armor is the standard upgrade, extremely expensive, and generally slow. The Asksvin hide and magic armor sets are definitely not worse than the previous armor sets, but they don't really feel that much better. A couple of the weapons were interesting... but again, not enough to offset the pain.
The Ashlands really doesn't reward players for dealing with all of its bullshit. It's totally isolated, not very visually appealing, hostile from start to finish, and doesn't really introduce or accelerate any of the out-of-biome mechanics like previous biomes do (farming, sailing, new cooking stations, new crafting stations, fall damage negation, etc). By far the most interesting thing you acquire in the Ashlands is a staff that sacrifices half your health to spawn a charred troll, and they aren't even allowed to be on your team!!!
The whole war-zone aesthetic would be tolerable if the biome just didn't take so damn long to finish. Like seriously, because all of the limited visibility and constant mob clearing it's extremely slow to even locate the things you need to do, never-the-less even do them! At this point, I kind of think of the Ashlands as a chore you must complete to progress beyond it. That is fundamentally not a fun thing to do, and I believe the vast majority of players will not make it to the deep north for this exact reason. Which brings me to the biggest problem.
The Ashlands does not understand what makes difficulty fun: According to the devs, the biome is hard. Really hard, actually. They seemed extremely proud of making a biome that would really give the players a true run for their money! Naturally, I was extremely excited! Unfortunately, the Ashlands is not hard because of new strategic or mechanical learning curves, it is hard because it is clumsy.
Flametal mining is contrived and hostile. The pillars are a pain to climb with the game's terrible collision. Have you ever been crushed between the underside of a sinking flametal vein and your basalt bomb platform? 'Cus I have! Even worse, every time I actually whack a Flametal pillar (which by the way, wants to kill me even more than the monsters do) I'm personally inviting every entity in a 10 mile radius to form a mosh pit right below me.
Grapevine harvesting and planting is too slow. They take forever to find, even longer to grow, and cant even be planted in their natural biome without a shield generator? (What's up with that by the way?) I will admit that I love the way they look and depending on where you land you might get lucky and find them early, in which case this point is pretty moot. In my case, I had fully upgraded gear and had already cleared a fortress before I even found my first Vineberry.
Fortress "sieging", as the devs would like to call it, is kind of... useless? The siege weapons are clumsy and ineffective, and are immediately secondary to the brute force method of building a wooden staircase and bombarding the inside with fireballs until everything in it is dead. By the time you even reach a fortress, the relentless mob clearing just to get there has sucked all the fun out of the would-be battle anyway. (By the way, who though that it would be a good idea to make the only unique fortress mob a necromancer that summons even more of the most annoying mob in the entire biome?? Hurray, yet another swarm of reskinned, stat-boosted greydwarves!)
Honestly, I wouldn't even call the biome "hard". I would just call it painful. Things that are hard are generally things you can get better at. I don't think it particularly fits this category.
Lingering questions: While there are many things I like about the biome as a concept, I don't know if there is a single mechanic in the Ashlands that I actually think is well-designed. Now that I'm basically done with the biome, I look back and ask myself a number of questions about things I encountered. Were these really fun? or were they just tedious. I'll let you decide:

• Why is the only ship you can take through the spires so difficult to steer? If you want it to feel large and heavy, that's fine... but then why do spires spawn so densely that it constantly gets beached?
• Why do basalt bomb platforms only last for like 30 seconds? If you want them to not permanently mark the landscape, why not make them last at least long enough for players to reuse them for approaching and escaping from the pillars? Why make the player interact with the admittedly funky aiming mechanics to throw more platforms as the pillar is sinking?
• Why can the charred and Asksvins go in the lava if you can't? They're not immune to fire damage from a staff, but they can wade through lava? Wouldn't it make more sense to encourage players to use the lava as a risky resting place? Something like, "go out into the lava with basalt bombs to escape the horde briefly, but make sure you don't slip!"? Maybe then, once the player has cleared a fortress and acquired their first set of lava-immunity potions (or boots or whatever), they will have an advantage over the horde in terms of mobility. You know, like in every single other biome?
• Why are there no lava-walking boots?
• Why do tamed Asksvins animals not have a "passive mode", or a "follow" command like wolves, or at least some kind of hitching post? If the idea of asksvins is to be able to ride over lava to pillars, why make them run away from the pillars and to their death the instant the player gets off of them?
• Why are there no lava-walking boots........?
• Why make the step heights on flametal ore pillars only convenient/resonable to climb when wearing the feather cape that is extremely weak to fire? Isn't the idea of the fire weakness to discourage its use in the Ashlands? If you know your movement & collision mechanics feel clunky, why design the pillars in such a way that scaling them is necessary to escape certain death?
• Boots in lava no walking on it why tho........?
• Why make the spawnrate for monsters so uniformly high? The combat is extremely simple, and these monsters do pretty substantial damage in melee. This leads to a boring and frustrating "swarming" experience, where players have to run from monsters, inevitably picking up more monsters on the way. Couldn't you fix this by just have areas of extreme monster density like in every other biome which can be "cleared". Doesn't this work better with the power-up based combat your entire system is based off of? Doesn't this also double as another reason to actually explore in the Ashlands, as when players clear one area, they need to continue on to the next?
• If you want a new paradigm where defeating the horde isn't enough to "clear" an area, wouldn't you at least want to counteract this with some new mechanic that spawn-proofs/suppresses large areas? Or maybe a set of armor that reduces player-made sounds? Why doesn't that exist?
• Why not reward the player with outside-the-biome progression? Why not use this as the reason to go to the Ashlands in the first place? Teleporting metals is an obvious great example, but it feels like it was an afterthought made late in development so that the Ashlands would be even remotely tolerable, given that it's a nightmare to sail to. With an entire community full of dedicated players who love the game proposing extremely popular changes all the time... why not use some of those? (shield generators could also repair builds! Redbeard Dvegrs could offer unique item trading! New cores & metal could somehow accelerate or automate farming! Any of the above...)

TLDR: After finishing the Ashlands I struggle to see why so many design decisions were made that make the biome so relentless, tedious, and anti-exploration. It's like they took all of the experiences and mechanics that people love about the game and replaced them with all of the ones people find painful and annoying. It is extremely disappointing, and will prevent most players from finishing the game, or even the biome itself.

Something that's been a hard pill for me to swallow and keep down is realizing that most people are consistently desired and have people liking them up into older age, while I'm 25 and I don't think anyone has genuinely ever had as little as a crush on me...
Any guy I was bold enough to tell I liked them always looked uncomfortable and promptly rejected me. And no they weren't all straight. It really hurts when I see people younger and older than me being desired by hundreds of people. I can't even get 1 single person to like me or find me to be worthy enough of their time
Any one I've messaged for a little bit ghosted me. And that's blatantly them saying they don't find me good enough. It's not even about not being good enough as a partner or not good enough in terms of personality because when you're attractive enough people are willing to coax "personality" out of you
Being good looking to the person you're talking to is the only real way to secure their interest in you
People pursue people they find attractive period. Someone you find attractive naturally just becomes the most interesting person in the world to you even if they're boring. Your brain will see that was "omg they're soo different from the norm that's soooo attractive they're not afraid to be different"
When you're attractive to people 90% of the work is already done. When you're ugly to someone they couldn't give a shit about how interesting or fun you are that's what I had to realize
There was no assortment of words, or amount of making someone laugh that would make them fall for you if you aren't already attractive enough to them
I'm aware of the good qualities I have like being caring, playful, supportive, empathetic, etc, but it doesn't make up for being ugly
My stomach always drops when I think about the amount of times I've genuinely liked someone and been either ghosted or blocked... it hurts so much because it's the other person saying that you're basically worthless and not good enough to them
I know for a fact that if I was attractive enough even with the trauma and exact same qualities I have now good and bad, people would be crawling over themselves to get to me
When you're attractive enough the good things about you are appreciated even more and the "bad" things about you serve to humanize you and make you seen as "perfectly imperfect"
but for us ugly people we are told to go on 20 year long self discovery and improvement journeys before we can ever have our first date, but that was never the real issue
The issue is How attractive your face and body is

Introduction

Hello fellow Helldivers. My name is Elliot, alias TeGoRE, a player with 155 hours on the game and plenty of experience gathered from 3rd party sources, especially Reddit and YouTube. I primarily play on difficulty 7, so this post will be biased specifically towards that difficulty.
As you all may know by this point, a lot of people are upset with the Automaton faction, its issues, balancing, bugs, etc. In this post I will be attempting to bring awareness to specific issues rather than asking for vague and general "fixes" the faction would need. I will also be referencing the other faction currently present in the game, the Terminids, as a point of comparison throughout the post.

"Fun factor" analysis; Loadout restrictions

I'll begin with what I believe will be the major point of discussion here. The automatons are just not fun. I understand this is a critical take, but please read before jumping straight to comments.
Let's compare the "fun" factor of Terminids to Automatons here. The Terminids allow you to run pretty much any loadout, while still letting you have impact on the game. You can run pure fodder clear loadouts with light penetration primaries and support tools and contribute to the mission that way, allowing your teammates to clear the heavies with ease. You can also run pure heavy clear with big bulky primaries and anti-tank tools, still contributing to the mission by destroying any charger and bile titan that comes into sight hence allowing your teammates to shoot the other fodder present without being spat on by a 400 ton oversized shrimp or being charged at by a walking rock. With both loadout cases you can also bring stratagems or change out your primaries and other tools (secondary and grenade specifically) that will allow you to have at least some impact on the heavies or lights, respectfully.
The Automatons don't allow for such loadout variety, and considering all the nerf barrages we've been receiving it's obvious that loadout choices are quite restrictive when it comes to fighting automatons. When was the last time you ran flamethrower against the Automatons? Any of the guard dogs? Any other sentry besides autocannon, EMS mortar or maybe the rocket sentry? Gas or airburst strikes? Light penetration or non-precision primaries? You get my point.
The faction requires a playstyle too specific for the casual player. You need to equip high precision weaponry (AMR, Counter sniper, Dominator, etc.) or medium penetration weaponry (Liberator penetrator, Counter sniper, Autocannon, etc) alongside way too many anti-tank tools. Sure, you can bring fodder clear, but the only realistic fodder is the regular troopers or the strider unit. Maybe berserkers. Only reliable (not saying it's the only viable one might I add) fodder clearer would be the grenade launcher, maybe the arc thrower. Furthermore, once on the actual battlefield, you can't necessarily play aggressive. Jump into a pile of bots and you'll be jumping back out limb-by-limb. You have to stay in cover, picking enemies one by one, slowly advancing forward. Then get all your progress denied by a bot drop :^)
We can then conclude that one of the contributing factors to why the Automatons aren't fun is the fact that it's too restricting and too sluggish. Let's look deeper, and analyse why your loadout and playstyle get so restricted;

Enemy analysis, its' contribution to the fun factor

The enemy types of the faction just do not let you vary your loadout enough.
Devastators specifically are the biggest issue. The regular devastator is well-thought out, a heavier bulkier unit with obvious weakspots and not too much firepower which could be compared to the hive guard in terms of mechanics. However, for the heavy devastator and rocket devastator, these are built to just bullshit you into dying. And good luck killing them if you have a light-pen weapon or generally don't have a longer-ranged or high-precision tool, as their primary body (excluding the abdomen) has enough HP to take three full counter sniper magazines (I do not know how a rocket devastator managed to do that, but it did) and just shrug it off. I don't think I need to talk about heavy devastators, they've been brought up enough... I will just briefly skim over it. They're too accurate. "Suppressive fire" does nothing to them. Their 70%-body-covering shield can eat anti-tank projectiles no problem. Sometimes a pack of devastators can be more devastating (badumtss) than a pack of hulks, depending on what devastators they are. If the "heavy" unit of a faction gets outperformed by common enemies, it's an obvious issue.
Another obnoxious enemy type is the berserker. As the name implies, they're a rage-crazed bot with only one directive: charge at you and kill you, no regard for its personal being. Which would be fine if they didn't have the health pool of a damn tank. One unit alone can eat an anti-tank projectile. And they typically spawns in packs of 4. Their weakspots don't even count as weakspots from what I can personally tell, shooting them in the head or the abdomen does about the same damage as just plain out shooting them. They're hard to kill at their core, and if they're backed up by support fire from the other enemy types behind them, you're pretty much helpless.
The rest of the enemy units are fine, in my opinion. They're well thought-out, with obvious counter-measure mechanics.
Hulks can be compared to Chargers. Heavy, tanky units at first, but mechanic rich enough to be an easy take-down once you figure out what you're doing. They have a giant heatsink which is where you have to shoot at regularly to take them out reliably. Not a weakspot might I add, just a point which you can shoot. Think Charger's butt. If you're a space cowboy shooting their tiny faceplate with anti-tank, or even medium penetration tools, can kill them as well. Lastly, just pumping them full of anti-tank projectiles (typically 2 rockets from any of the support weapons) will take them out just fine. There's other cool tricks you could pull off, such as throwing impact grenades between their feet, making them land behind the hulk, which would then take it out in 2 impact grenades if done right. Thermite grenades also deal a lot of damage to their legs, which can take them out too. Lastly, their arms can just be plain out shot off with the right tools. In conclusion, they are threatening at first, but once you use your brain to figure out its weakness, you're going to shrug them off.
Factory Striders are the Bile Titans of the Automatons. They are a bit less obvious but can still be handled decently well by a complete newbie. 2 miniguns on the front, shoot them off with medium penetration for easier kiting. Rocket the top cannon off for further success. Their big exposed abdomen is the obvious weakspot anyone can figure out. Shoot it enough and it'll die. For the more experienced, the front panel eye alongside the opening vents can also be points of advantage. Oh also can we talk about how they're a giant walking factory? Just bomb that bitch! 500kg, orbital precision strike, a regular airstrike, etc. It's a giant target just BEGGING you to throw stratagems at it.
Striders are simple as well. Big impenetrable front plate, completely exposed sides and back. A baby could do it!
Troopers are just fodder. Shoot 'em, they fall over.

Issue with dropships

If you played at least a few hours on the automaton front, you may know that the dropships can be shot down. However, when was the last time you saw that actually do anything?
The explosion deals too little damage, only sometimes killing the trooper units it's carrying. The body of the dropship itself seems to do no impact damage on the automatons, but loves to damage the shit out of you. The automatons also don't seem to care when they fall down 50 feet. Especially dropships with tanks. Shoot them down at the highest point of their drop, tank flies down at crazy velocity, lands with literally 0 damage to itself, then the dropships smacks on top of the tank doing fuck-all to it.
Oh and you can't forget the fact that the debris is solid cover FOR THE BOTS. You can't shoot through it. They can. They can also walk through it, you can't. ??????????

Issues with Automaton-specific side objectives

I will only bring up the ones that have actual issues behind them. If it isn't brought up here, then I personally believe it is fine.

• SEAF SAM Site

Barely does it's job. Shoots down one dropship per reinforcement, and as we learned earlier shooting the dropships down doesn't even do anything to begin with. Often times the rockets hit terrain as well. Completely pointless side-objective.

• Stratagem Jammer

Add some sort of indication to the spectating players when the person they're spectating is inside a jammer field, and therefore cannot reinforce them. Too many posts about too many people getting kicked for not reinforcing when they literally cannot.

• Mortar emplacement

WARNING YOU ARE IN RANGE OF ENEMY ARTILLERY WARNING YOU ARE IN RANGE OF ENEMY ARTILLERY WARNING YOU ARE IN RANGE OF ENEMY ARTILLERY WARNING YOU ARE IN RANGE OF ENEMY ARTILLERY oh my god SHUT UP!!!!

Bugs (not the Terminid kind)

The faction is riddled with way too many bugs, which just suck the fun out of it. Bots shooting through obviously solid cover, bots seeing you from across the map / through cover and then calling reinforcements, their seemingly 50/50 resistance to explosive damage, then other misc bugs not worth addressing.
This obviously drives people away. A terminid can't shoot me through a rock, I'd prefer fighting that terminid.

Conclusion of analysis; Solutions, final thoughts

The Automaton faction enemies & its mechanics at its core are fine, most enemies making complete sense. Most mechanics, while rich in function, are not very obvious. To play the faction well you need to invest some time into learning how it works. This deters the casual player back to the terminid front, which is a bit more brainless, requiring you just "hurr durr shoot bugs". Here's some solutions to consider:
Rework the devastator enemy type, specifically its specialists types:

• The rocket devastators shouldn't be able to spam their rockets as much as they do. I'd much prefer a larger barrage with a longer cooldown.
• Heavy devastators shouldn't be pin-point accurate if you're not moving / moving slowly. They do spread their shots out if you're moving, but it doesn't contribute all that much, you will still most likely take at least some hits. They're carrying a machine gun and shooting it from their hip with seemingly 0 precision. How is it that accurate?

The spawn rates of the specialist types could be reworked instead, allowing space for the default devastator instead rather than constantly spewing the specialist types. When was the last time you saw a dropship bring just normal devastators?
Please please please do something about berserkers. Lower their health pool. Maybe make the weakspots actually do something. Perhaps make them spawn less frequently if they're in the major enemy pool. Or, instead of that, make the packs smaller. They're a major ammo sink currently and by the time you're done killing them all the other enemies are already in your face.
Dropship crashes should actually do something. If I use up my support weapon's ammo to shoot down a dropship, I would want it to actually contribute to me destroying the bots, not just create a flashy explosion and extra 1-way cover for the bots.
SEAF SAM Site needs a rework of sorts. Make it always spawn on higher terrain, maybe buff its firerate (see actual SAM sites for reference), or keep the firerate as is if dropship crashes actually start doing something, instead improving its turn speed and lock-on speed. Primary issue is terrain though.
"oh yeah this spot is PERFECT for a SAM site!" said the seaf engineer after ordering it be built in a trench enclosed by cliffs from all 4 sides "what the hell is this" said the helldiver when stumbling upon it
Realistically speaking, the only people who perform well when fighting against Automatons are those who have tens of hours of experience on their belt alongside a team with similar skill level, using proper "meta" (god forbid) loadouts to properly counter the bot menace. The casual solo-queue player just crumbles.

Conclusion & Goodbyes

I may have missed some things, but I tried to grab everything problematic about the faction to the best of my ability. I will most likely not edit the post due to it already being gigantic. However any comments adding onto the post are obviously appreciated. :)
If you're here to find a tl;dr, don't bother. No way in hell I'm summarizing 11.5k+ worth of characters. Just read the analysis conclusion.
If you're here after reading everything above, thank you. I hope this was a fun read and brought attention to why you might not be having as much fun on automatons, maybe made you realize what needs to be done in order to counter the currently sluggish faction. I just hope I helped in some way.
If you're a developer, thank you for creating an amazing game. I've been in love with Helldivers 2 since the very start (upon finding it reaching sky-high popularity), enjoying every hour of gameplay. But just like with any game, it has its flaws, and I hope these are properly addressed. The community has been asking for changes, and I hope my post brought awareness to it.
Buh-bye!!!

I am working on a modpack server that is planned to have a story mode. The lore revolves around Pokemon becoming a recent phenomenon in the world, so the story will have a lot of fresh components to it compared to standard Pokemon gameplay. The server is already running with its own custom domain (cobblemonnw.com). Story mode will start as soon as I get more people to work on it, spawn is nearly finished + permissions are getting set up for survival mode. To give the spawn some personality I added some easter eggs throughout as well as NPCs that actually talk to you! *If the server earns revenue these positions will become paid.
Server Development Roles (Not counting me) - Mod Developer: 0/1 - Writer: 0/2 - Builder: 0/3 - Texture Artist: 0/2 - Concept Artist: 0/1
General Roles (for Discord + the Minecraft server) - Moderator: 0/5 - Helper: 0/∞ - QA Tester: 0/6 **QA Testers make sure the server is balanced and not laggy on multiple spec types.
About Me: I have been a Blender modeler for 3 years and can (of course) model in and animate in Blockbench. I originally develop games for Roblox (currently modeling for 2 games that will came out in a year or 2) so I am already familiar with game development.
My (current) Roles - Server Manager - Admin - Writer - Builder - Mod Developer (still learning Java, though) *Note: Being a builder is too time consuming on top of the other roles so I'd like to hand off that role asap (even though I didn't built most of the map it's taken over 12 hours to fix it up the way I like).
If interested or have questions, please message me here or DM on Discord via @carisoul these details: - Minecraft Username: - Desired Role: - Prior Experience: - Portfolio/Past Work: - Timezone: - Schedule: (ie. # of hours a week you can work on it)

i think im goin insane trynna figure out who s to blame the most for our filthy pointless lives cuz i feel like at sum point we re all innocent and deff dont deserve to feel so unworthy of love. its deff the traumas we ve experienced but will we be able to ever get past them and not let em self sabotage us in the future? its all so absurd how it can all end in literally 10 seconds i started to fantasize about it a bit after a few months in which i hadnt thought bout it but there s always a trigger now a person ig its neva gon be good cuz after feelin happy there comes the psychotic thoughts like HMMMM THERE ARE SO MANY ALTERNATIVES IN WHICH I CAN MAKE MYSELF SUFFER WHICH ONE SHOULD I PICK COME ON BRAIN THINKKKK anyways i believe the real cause its always gon be our parents they re the only ones that fckin watched us grow and every stupid shit they ve done to us reflects now in our way of coping with life.
so after all do yall believe we can heal?

I love seeing these idiots say this game is dead. No the Sony debacle did not kill this game. It was certainly interesting but it did not kill this game. It tells me how smooth brained you are if you think that. THIS IS A DUNGEONS & DRAGONS type of long term campaign/game. If you don’t have the patience to stick with a game long term then THERES THE DOOR. ITS COOL that we are losing the war right now. This ISNT a “we’re supposed to be easily wiping these bots and bugs off the map in three months type video game” THIS IS WAR. WAR DOESNT GO YOUR WAY. HUMANITY IS STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE. THIS IS A GALACTIC WAR FOR HUMANITY’S EXISTENCE & OUR GOVERNMENT IS CORRUPT (ministry of truth please don’t kill me). You have to look at this game as if you are reading a sci fi fantasy book about a war. The uniqueness of this game goes right over so many peoples heads. We’re literally part of a story being written and the devs are pretty much letting us WRITE IT but guiding it along at the same time. It’s insane how cool this is. WE ARE THE LORE. WAR DOESN’T GO YOUR WAY ALL THE TIME. Like in starship troopers we all came on board guns a blazing ready to glass these bots and bugs back to hell. (I know there’s no bots in starship troopers) At first we did that but then the bugs and bots fought back and now we’re getting our asses handed to us. A LOT. (Yes A LOT of the weapons have been nerfed to insane levels but they’re FIXING IT) Get the call of duty, battlefield, Fortnite short attention span brain rot out of your fucking head and BUCKLE UP. Or simply leave and stop playing the game. We have a MASSIVE unspoken silent helldiver community bearing through all of this “whining, complaining about nerfs and buffs” because we get what kind of game this is. This is a game for the ages like halo. Arrowhead can do so much with this game and we SEE the potential. Idc if you think I’m slobbering on arrowhead. This game is simply a breath of fresh air and SO UNIQUE. The fact that it’s taken so long for us to see any illuminate is AWESOME. I LOVE that. The tension is in the air. You all feel it. I guarantee you when the illuminate and hive lords come the servers at arrowhead are going to be overloaded again. I Gurantee that. This. Is. A. Galactic War. Nut up or shut up. Rant over. I love you all. I just had to explain it for these short attention span idiots.

This is my first time posting on reddit after lurking around a bunch of communities. I felt the need to ask or talk about this with more people. I (25M) am trying to get over friends (25M and 26M) who are going no-contact because of various reasons. I know wanting control over the issue is impossible but i can't help but want to try and fix this.
Context: I recently was/am going through a lot of issues in real life, from possible skin cancer to job hunting problems and a multitude of others. And i am ashamed to admit i have done so many things wrong that have pushed away 2 friends whom i regard as a few of my closer ones or at least gaming buddies. Its been more than a month since we spoke. And i am in turmoil over it.
I was extremely depressed/anxiety filled while dealing with simultaneous changed for the worse with my job, health and studies. A co-worker was leaving the company, and they were in-charge of a lot of duties that will (now) require me to fill in for the moment they leave. They were also a good friend of mine during my 2 years at the work place.
I was also preparing for a part-time undergraduate programme's admission and the tension/anxiety from just thinking about going into university after 4 years of not studying was not light. I wasn't even sure if my spot would be confirmed/allocated since my application may get rejected, the impending costs if successful either didn't help with my mental worry about finances since my job is not paying well.
Amidst all these i had to worry about a growth on my shin that was possibly skin cancer related since it was out of the blue and not an irritation or a mole. Its most probably a cyst due to recent events hinting the symptoms, but only a biopsy will confirm this. The reason why this was also traumatising was because my father recently had a toe amputated due to skin cancer, and my maternal grandfather passed on due to brain cancer. So medical history wise it was weighing on me.
There were also other issues which heavily contributed to my deterioration but these were the main ones i focused on.
So i was stuck between depressed, anxiety-filled and a lot of irritation with life and its started to affect my friendship with my friends. While we interacted i was stuttering, choking on my words and just couldn't bring the capacity to just outright speak about my concerns/worries. I began to trauma dump, outburst at the smallest of things and begged for attention to distract myself. I annoyed one of them by the consistent pestering for attention and pissed of the other as they were caught in the cross fire of myself and the friend i annoyed.
It got to a point where they actively avoided me, they tried to help. But it ended up with a summary of "We can't help you if you can't help yourself". They were right, but i just couldn't do it at the time. I also frantically looked for ways to try and communicate but all of it ended horribly. I gave them so much stress and they all had their own worries in their lives. They didn't need more baggage on their hands.
I eventually went to seek a therapist and spoke to a mutual friend. But this mutual friend (27F) disagreed with how i was dealing with my feelings and/or how i was approaching it. They told me i needed time, my friends needed time. I confided in her, and she assured me i should focus on solving my problems first. And everything else will be fine. So i started to try and isolate myself to fix my problems. I unfriended my friends on social media to attempt to distance myself. However the longing for interaction came back. I tried to talk to them again and it was met with anger, which i know was my fault. I am unstable, and its not pleasant for anyone.
With the fear of my mortality due to possible cancer and the fear of not having said time i told them i really didn't need time. I was going to recover no matter what it took, I was extremely emotionally attached to my friends. She has since went no contact with me after she checked on me once with the interaction having gone sour due to this.
I realised i had a myriad of issues, from abandonment to communication and i was extremely broken. I really want to be with them and function, but I'm lost. I want closure and its not happening anytime soon but everytime i try to focus on fixing myself I'm just reminded i haven't patched things up with them.
I've been trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a gratitude journal to try and curb my overthinking and FOMO/emotional attachment to my friends. While its helped me to gain some control over my thoughts, I still feel empty. I am unmotivated to continue my hobbies, and I can't being myself to step away from social media since i have other friends that exclusively communicate on there. I need advice on how to move on, but i can't bring myself to forget about these friends since...they were the most genuine people I've met in years. And they've also cared for me more than some, i'm torn.
** I have since seen a doctor and have a surgery lined up for the biopsy and i have received my offer of admission to university.

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