In 2018, I went to see a psychiatrist, a "doctor" after an episode in which I was awake for most of a week, with at most 5-8 hours of sleep, and woke up feeling my brain was on fire.
In the one or two months after that, I started to recover slowly. I wasn't fully aware of it at the time, but I had started to suspect I was bipolar, which I now know I am. Looking back, in my early 20s, I started to get hypomanic highs one to two times a month, and also, from what I now know, very likely fueled by the food I was eating at the time.
My mom, on the recommendation of her psychologist at the time, took me to a psychiatrist 2-3 months after the incident, who put me on 3-4 drugs, including an atypical antipsychotic, Saphris, which "rebalances" dopamine and serotonin in the brain, sertraline, and one or two others I can't remember, one may have been buproprion.
I was on these for about one and a half years, from 2018 (autumn I think) to April of 2020. During that time, I lost nearly all my motivation and energy, my libido essentially died, I used to have a certain "sheen" as best as I can describe it that I would see around many objects, trees and forests in particular, and that went away, I could no longer feel happiness, I became emotionally dead inside. My memory was affected, I have had maybe three super vivid dreams in my life, and one of them was on this drug, and I know it was because of it.
I stopped doing most things I used to, because of the loss of motivation and energy, I took Russian lessons online with a woman, my teacher whom I had come to trust and love, and would never under normal circumstances have stopped them. I used to do a lot of vigorous exercise, pushups, pullups, situps, and I stopped doing those. Most of the time I was on this medication, all I could do was play the same video game on my computer every day, and walk around where I lived. I stopped working semi-regularly with my father, and stopped doing chores around the house.
When I realized the saphris was doing this to me, I tried to go off, months or even a year after starting, only to discover I could not sleep for even a second. I had always had some trouble with insomnia, and I thought the saphris was doing some good, because after taking it, I would fall asleep within 5-10 minutes. I ended up screaming at the ceiling so many nights because I couldn't sleep at all. I know now it was definitely the saphris that ruined my sleep, and I suspect most of the other things, but, I think it was likely the sertraline or the sertraline and saphris both that destroyed my libido.
When I went off of the saphris, I needed trazadone, which is prescribed off label as a sleep aid, just to sleep at all, and I barely slept. Some months into this, I began to feel a sort of hyper aggression I had never known before or since, and ended up in a psychiatric hospital several times. It only departed from me one day about 10 months ago. Lithium would barely keep it in check, just behind the surface. I was also perceiving memories differently at this time, they were coming back in a way that was hard to describe, old memories, many of them unpleasant, which under normal circumstances, wouldn't come to my mind. The aggression combined with an unpleasant memory coming to mind, like being bullied as a child, was a horrible combo as the emotional pain from the memory would make me rage more. In the very last months I was on the saphris, I believe I had a form of akathisia, as I would involuntarily cross my fingers on my right hand.
I have learned, because of this miserable experience, more about dopamine and serotonin than I knew before, and how many things these are responsible foregulate. Sleep, memory, libido, aggression, appetite, motivation, pleasure (I can't feel it anymore). Besides all of that, for a time I was feeling temperature differently, something I have learned is not uncommon with antipsychotics/atypical antipsychotics.
Now, five and a half years after being off the medication, I have never fully recovered. I have extremely little motivation and energy, my libido is dead, I take one prescription drug (gabapentin) and antihistamines and melatonin every night to sleep, and they don't always work, I cannot feel anything but the most fleeting sense of pleasure, I feel largely emotionally dead inside, my memory still doesn't work like it once did.
I have read that buspirone may help at least with sexual side effects from SSRIs, in another thread here.
Buspirone might reduce sexual side effects associated with SSRIs : Psychiatry (reddit.com)
within that thread, this was posted
...
"Bupropion is commonly used adjunctively with antidepressants to treat SSRI-induced sexual side effects. Again, the rationale for using a dopaminergic agent, even a modest one, to impact sexual side effects appears sound. Stimulants and other dopamine-­enhancing agents enhance libido.
So, I am at a bit of a loss here, I am still not sure exactly what the saphris and maybe others did, I know it has to do with dopamine and serotonin in my brain. I don't understand all of these things fully, I don't know if I have too little dopamine, serotonin, or both, or if the saphris damaged the receptors or whatever. One thing that really got my attention with the above was the part that "Stimulants and other dopamine-­enhancing agents enhance libido."
One reason I know I have issues with dopamine and serotonin, and that the saphris damaged the receptor(s) for these in my brain or something, is that I have problems with so many things that are tied to these neurotransmitters, sleep, energy, motivation, libido, et cetra. When I take caffeine, up until recently, I would notice, despite the sexual dysfunction I suffer from, that my libido would still noticeably increase, my memory would improve, of course I had more energy, motivation, and I could feel an ever so slight increase in happiness. These are all tied to dopamine and serotonin. It seems to me that there is something or things out there that could reverse this in me, or cause a really noticeable improvement for me. Before this cursed medication, I was a generally happy person, with ADHD, high functioning autistic, bipolar, but generally happy. Now i have lived in hell for more than five years, and I want it to end, desperately. I have some very small hope maybe if I could try buspirone I would see improvement, but I don't know until I try, and I am hoping my current psychiatrist will let me try it. I need to find something that undoes the damage.

he broke up with me in mid april. so it's been a little over a month. we went no contact, despite explicitly saying we would. it has been devastating for me. i speculate about what he is doing and torture myself with thoughts of regret and grief. i miss him more than i've ever missed anyone.
i feel better than i did a month ago but only so much. i have been busy with art making and traveling and going out and spending time with friends and meeting new ones. I still think about him several times a day. He is always in the back of my mind. my new attempt to stop hurting so much and detach is to say to myself "i'm not going to let you hurt me anymore." that seems to work, temporarily, but i can't shake the desire to reach out, especially as what would have been our anniversary approaches.
He expressed his feelings at the beginning of March, after I returned from a weekend trip to nyc. I expressed extreme emotions, because I so desperately wanted him to stay with me, and felt so badly for anything and everything I had done to make him feel that way. He wouldn't look me in the eyes when I cried because it was "too much." I called him at some point the next day and asked if we were still together, despite knowing he wanted to break up, he said yes. This was the beginning of a month of mixed signals and reluctance to hang out with me. Looking back, I didn't respect what he wanted and his boundaries, and I regret that deeply. I should have let him go and not made him feel more resentful toward me.
When we had that last conversation in mid April, he said "i don't want to hang out with you anymore." In the last month we were together (March), he also would say he loved me and call me every day (usually greeting me with "hello beautiful") and say he was glad we weren't doing the single thing because dating sucks. Yet, he would make this face, a face that appeared angry or upset at me, right upon greeting me. He would get angry with me over little things, would sulk when he hung out with me, after being sweet minutes before.
He was dealing with depression, major depression, that he has dealt with his entire life. I tink he felt he was depressed because of our relationship. He was also struggling to adjust to the new city. He wasn't making friends as quickly as he thought and was unable to motivate himself to getting started on writing music and go out. I admit that during the winter, our relationship became boring and we would stay in together on the weekends. We would argue too. Neither of us were having much fun during that time, except when we watched movies, went furniture shopping or had sex (lol).
For context: we both moved to the same new city. I was terrified when he said he wanted to move when he got laid off last May. I expressed this sadness and frustration and worry but I made plans to move as well. I moved for him yes, but this city was one I'd been talking about moving to since before I met him and it seemed like the right time to go, for myself but also to continue this relationship.
About a month before I moved, because of being upset and angry with him still for leaving me behind, he attempted to break up with me. I still lived in our home town and he drove all the way back to arrive at my apt, and surprise me by saying "i came to break up." I immediately had a panic attack and begged him to stay with me. He stayed with me, against his will but, after that, everything seemed fine and our relationship suddenly became much better than it was before. He seemed to still love me a lot. He even helped me move out of my apartment and drove the uhaul for me.
I look back and realize how much he probably felt forced or obligated to do. Maybe not everything, or all the time, but out of some kind of love he was trying to still have for me. I know now that you can't make someone stay and I feel terrible for doing that to him. I just loved and still love him more than I've loved anyone. I couldn't, and still can't, let go.
It had been a long time coming. We were incompatible in many ways; I was too anxiously attached and would demand too much of his time and emotional energy. He was avoidant. We would get into petty arguments about things rather frequently. I unfortunately would get angry with him over things that were rooted in my insecurity, which resulted in my own jealousy and possessive issues. I regret acting this way, and not supporting his music in the way he deserved. My regrets are endless.
He also said- "we can't stay together just because you don't want to be abandoned." and while that is true, it wasn't just my fear driving my attachment, i didn't want him to leave because i loved him so much. So, I feel invalidated by that statement now. I feel like so much was blamed on me and i willingly took the blame because i was trying to be better. i recognize what i did and where i went wrong. i really never wanted to hurt him.
i've been trying to analyze why he would reject my intense love for him. and i'm learning a lot. I don't know about you but i imagine that we all want to be loved, and the pain just gets in the way.
and i know all i can do now is respect his boundaries and his need to get away from me. i know i must do everything i can to not contact him and let him go.
i feel so pathetic!!!

chapters 1&2
chapter 3
chapter 4
chapter 5
chapter 6
chapter 7
chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
The lecture was supposed to be on Rationality 101, apparently not for Newcomers only. Serene was there to have her back but G was having a hard time focusing.
The boring black uniform more fitting for a hotel receptionist defaced the godlike beauty standing in front of a huge screen. Gentry couldn’t believe her eyes: this was the man she had her hands on a little while ago?
No, it couldn’t be.
It had been just an avatar, too perfect in its unblemished visage, too pure for this world. Yet the man whose face she remembered as if it was etched on the back of her eyelids, who she’d been constantly thinking about, who her hands itched to snatch, was standing right there, in the flesh.
Back in the dreamy simulated world she caught herself thinking that a trim waist like this couldn’t anatomically work on a human, yet here he was: a towering spread of fit shoulders perfectly balanced above the flexible whip of his midsection. The light-grey eyes that betrayed every movement of his pupils were as real as the ones that reflected the mock moon during her test. Below them lay the sharp slope of the cheekbones one could cut themselves on.
The only thing a bit different, apart from the outfit choice, was the young god’s hair. In the simulation, it was flowing and probably too long to be practical. This person’s mane was much shorter and fell down his neck in a neat ponytail, tastefully tamed with a single hairpin.
She had to get her hands on this treasure.
He was making last minute preparations for the lecture, looking through the papers on the desk, dark strands framing his face, light grey eyes sharp in careful concentration.
Professor Q, huh.
He said this was his name, and so did the note on the lecture hall door.
She was sure it was the man who had melted in her arms making the most delicious sounds a male throat could produce.
Had he recognised her?
Unlikely.
At the time of the simulation session, she didn’t have a camera that could pick up her facial features but just to be on the safe side, she decided to go by “G” in his class. There were bound to be lots of people with a name starting with a G, right? What would be the odds it was this particular newcomer that Q had tested that would end up in his class?
The man finally lifted his eyes at the audience and a gentle smile momentarily graced his features before disappearing as if he didn’t see someone he’d expected to.
The holoboard on the wall behind him obediently lit up following his nonchalant gesture. Gentry found it annoying that one needed a pair of special glasses to see all the augmented reality stuff and really navigate the city but again, with Sereen’s help she had more or less gotten used to it in the couple of days she had to deal with the necessities like settling down, getting food and finding her way around Ashtapada.
Still, could they use a piece of chalk or, at least, a marker to write on the board? No need to show off your Fully Automated Luxury Space Communism tech just to write a couple of notes on the board!
On second thought, high-tech-crazy or not, if this city brought up men like this one, she would definitely do her best to stay here to… reap the benefits!
They took a desk next to a huge clear floor-to-ceiling window that overlooked the winter garden.
“Professor Q seems a little distracted today,” Sereen said, swiftly tapping a couple of buttons on G’s wrist to show her how to confirm that she was attending the lecture. “He’s usually much more chatty and friendly. I wonder what got into him.”
“Is he?” Gentry responded with an artificial air of indifference. “I just hope he’s more open to a discussion than that Poe guy.”
“He is! And Professor Poe isn’t that bad,” Sereen reprimanded before chuckling a little — since his little secret became known to students, he became known as Holopoe. “Just wait and see, it’s gonna be a blast. Q’s lectures are always very engaging.”
It proved to be utter bullshit.
After fiddling with the symbols on the interactive screen for ten minutes into the class, students getting more and more agitated behind his back, the lecturer seemed to give up. Turning back to the audience, he absentmindedly nodded to a couple of people in the lecture hall and sighed with a painfully fake smile.
“For today’s class, we are going to need to read a certain extract from a book,” he said, tone apologetic for some reason, but it solidified G’s conviction that she already knew this person. “I’ve just sent it to each of your wristcomms. We’ll have some quiet time and read it by ourselves, alright?”
“Reading from the comm?” Sereen mumbled to herself. “Couldn’t he just print them out?”
The rest of the students’ grumbles showed that they shared her disappointment. Q could only hopelessly smile again before returning to his work on the board.
Reading from the little semi-transparent screens was indeed torture. Quickly giving up on trying to awkwardly use gestures for scrolling through the text, she looked out of the window to entertain herself with the garden outside. From the modest height they were sitting at, the people below were quite discernible, partly hidden by the greenery, spread here and there in small groups and pairs. Gentry longed to be there, too. What was the use of being here with the most attractive person in the whole world if the only thing she could see was his back?
Well, the back didn’t look half bad, if she was honest, and what was below also pleased the eye.
But still. It would soon bore even the most easily entertained.
Her gaze fell to a small clearing where a lone male figure was sitting, writing something in a notebook. By the looks of it, the notebook was a real paper-made thing without the bells and whistles usual for Ashtapada. The next thing G noticed was a pair of slender legs, barefoot, stretched to dip the toes into the clear water of the artificial stream.
God bless the urban designers of this place!
The figure lifted the head and in an inconceivably graceful motion, swung the long blond bangs away from the face.
G straightened her back. Was it... Ok, maybe Q was the most handsome man she’d seen in her life but this... This was the younger boy she’d noticed a couple of days back, the one in a plaid skirt, shamelessly flirting with everyone within reach. Today, he wasn’t wearing one but the blue jeans hugging his thighs, rolled up almost to the knees, presented a picture just as tantalizing. Even with the hair was a completely different colour, even though the half-up, half-down style kept his face hidden, she was absolutely certain it was the same person.
Just you wait, young beauty, as soon as this “lecture” was over, your princess in shining armour was coming to pick you up!
Suddenly snapping out of the dull weariness, she turned on the auglasses S helped her obtain earlier and tapped away on her comm screen.
What a chance to give the local text sharing feature a go!
“The garden is pretty, but with a blossom like you, it is truly breathtaking. I wonder if anyone has picked this sweet flower or if anyone dares to,” she typed a cheesy note and folded the message into a neat 3D figurine of an origami paper crane with her fingers in the air.
Was S watching? Screw it, even if she was, she couldn’t read the message with her glasses off, right?
Carefully aiming the device at the lone figure, she launched the crane downwards, and it fluttered like a weightless butterfly in spirals, through the glass and right into the young man’s lap, not disturbing the notebook pages. He started at first at the intrusion but then turned his own glasses on and unfolded the message. A shy smile appeared on his plump lips, and he looked flattered, turning his head around to see if the sender was in sight. Catching no one, he typed something below the initial message and deftly folded it back into a crane that, to G’s surprise, flew directly at her, in uneven spirals along the wall. The man traced it with a smile, propping himself back on his arms, his whole slim body and face on full display now.
God, was he good-looking.
Easily passing the physical border of the glass again, the crane crashed into Gentry’s wristcomm, dutifully delivering the message and betraying her tactical position at the same time. An amused kind of surprise showed on the young man’s face and he waved at her to show that she had been exposed. She waved back, trying to look nonchalant but probably failing miserably.
Very smooth, G, way to go.
The message read, “Is a flower only good for looking at? Not this one.”
Oooh, this boy was playing with fire!
“Hey, G,” Sereen nudged. “Have you finished reading?”
“Mm? Oh, yeah.” Gentry lied easily. She had skimmed the first couple of paragraphs and was sure she’d be able to come up with something if asked.
“Done everybody?” the deep gentle voice called from the holoboard and G’s attention snapped back to the dignified face.
The class murmured affirmatively.
“I’m sorry today’s lecture isn’t as fun as usual,” he admitted. “I must say I’m still unsure how to approach such complex topic as this one. But with your help, I hope we’ll figure it out.”
Everyone seemed to perk up.
“You just read an extract on paradoxes,” Q went on. “And you might be wondering why we are raising a philosophical topic on a rational thinking course.”
“There you go,” Sereen whispered. “He’s back to normal!”
G humphed. This did seem interesting. Was it a good idea to read the extract after all?
Q continued, “In the text, you might have encountered the definition of a paradox. Would anyone explain it with their own words?”
A raised hand and the lecturer’s nod brought some courageous soul to their feet.
“It’s when you start with the correct premises, use consistent logic but wind up with an impossible conclusion,” they said. “There are three types: falsidical, veridical and antimony-type, which are...”
“Correct,” Q smiled and nodded the person back down. It was a smile worth starting a thousand wars over.
“Now there’s a reason why I asked you to read about them. Why do you think people have been fascinated with paradoxes for such a long time?”
S raised her hand and received a kind invitation.
“I might be wrong,” she said. “But it seems that they point at the limitations of our thinking, things that seem rational but in fact aren’t. We feel that with our all-conquering logic we can solve any puzzle but it’s not always the case. Right?”
“This is very insightful,” the teacher confirmed. “It is believed by many that what’s rational is true and therefore what rationality cannot explain must be false.”
“I definitely know someone who would die on that hill,” Gentry grumbled under her breath.
“I’m sorry?” Q asked. “Is there something you wanted to add... sorry, I don’t know your name?”
Still half mad with professor Poe, Gentry stood up. “It’s G, I’m a Newcomer. I was saying how a human mind can fool itself into thinking it knows what it looks at as long as it makes sense. But in reality, it’s not there, like the sky.”
That was the only thing she remembered from that last lecture! She felt the tips of her ears heat up but the kind and considering look on Q’s face showed her gamble paid off.
“These are very insightful observations, G, why don’t we try exploring them together?” — he waived her to sit down and turned back to the class — “Five minutes to discuss how paradoxes might reveal the weaknesses of rational thinking. Send your answers to the board when you’re done.”
“Whoa, daring as usual,” Sereen smiled. “I knew you’d enjoy his class.”
“Now, consider these two questions,” Q said to another student who stood up at his hand wave. “If an unstoppable force meets an indestructible object, what is going to happen?”
The person seemed to contemplate it for a while and the teacher didn’t rush him.
“Isn’t it one of those which are impossible to solve because the existence of the one automatically disproves the existence of the other?”
Q nodded, “Correct. The second one about the barber in a small town is of the same sort. Sereen?”
S stood up too, “The one that shaves all and only men that don’t shave themselves?”
“Yes,” he confirmed. “At first, a premise like this seems perfectly reasonable, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” S responded, somewhat rashly. “But it’s clear that a barber like this cannot exist.”
“Wait, really?” Gentry whispered as Q nodded in satisfaction and urged her friend to go on.
“Yes, if we ask ourselves if this barber shaves himself. If he doesn’t, then he is part of the group which he does shave that do not shave themselves, but if he is in this group, then he does shave himself which makes it impossible for him to be this barber by definition.”
While the rest of the class was catching up with the logic, Q’s smile got only wider, more inviting.
“What does it tell us about the nature of the premise then?” he asked.
“That although it seems that it sounds logical on the surface, it is in fact nonsense and we don’t even need to hear the rest of the riddle to discard it completely,” S concluded.
The man chuckled.
“Well, I wouldn’t be that brash, to be honest, but on balance, you’re right,” he said. “If you stay after the lecture, I might recommend a couple of books on the topic. Your Newcomer friend is welcome to stay, too.”
G put up the best of the aloof fronts, “I’d be happy to, Professor.”
“Q is fine,” he smiled again and went on addressing the rest of the class that immediately exploded into a heated discussion.
***
“Basically, what I think we’re supposed to learn from this,” S concluded after a while, standing up so that everyone could hear her. “Is that before applying rationality, we have to make sure that all the premises we are dealing with are in fact realistic. Otherwise, there is no way rational thinking will help us.”
“Excellently put, as always,” Q applauded. “I’d love to see if everyone agrees or has something else to add to the discussion but our time is up. Feel free to write me a letter with your reflections on the topic.”
As interesting as the class was, the urge to leave the premises as soon as the teacher dismissed everyone seemed to be universal and applicable even to the Ashtapadans.
“I have to go now,” Sereen said. “Text you later, ok?” And with a reciprocal nod to Q, disappeared in the doors, joining the rest of the students.
Sadly, she couldn’t recall what they were talking about after the lecture, nor what titles Professor recommended for some home reading. She just hoped she didn’t make a fool of herself.
What Gentry did remember though was that after Q left as well and she came up to the panoramic window, Sereen and the mysterious flower boy were leaving the garden together. And it was hard not to notice that her new friend took off her wristcomm before they took off, and hid it in the tall grass.

After a long time of trying....I give up. Been here for 3 months and a lot of negativity being spewed by some negative people downvoting a lot of good posts into oblivion make it hard for people to find their significant other. Maybe this is not the right place to find love anymore just like dating apps....or maybe it is...if only this last post goes viral on this subreddit and I find my person...
I promised myself that I wouldn't settle down until I find someone I think about when I close my eyes, see when I open my eyes, dream of when I'm asleep, even the thought of her makes me smile and makes me feel more alive.
Someone I can laugh, flirt with, talk deeply about life with and comfort her through thick and thin.
Someone I can write poems and songs about, hold hands and cuddle with, the lady who gives me the strength to get through this world. Someone I can live with in any part of the world as long as this woman is next to me because for me home is where my love is and I want to find such a strong love for me.
I'll know that she's the one when...
I'm too scared to lose her and even thinking about it makes me cry. I can imagine my whole life with her, her happiness becomes my happiness, her pain becomes mine and I would want to do anything to ensure that she knows that I'm here for her whenever she needs me, comfort her through thick and thin. Most importantly if she shows the same level of passion for me that I'd have for her like I would when I'd be in love with her, then she is the one for me.
My greatest dream...
To find true love, and someday have a family of my own in the future. To be surrounded by people who care about me as much as I would care about them. I never had all of that in my life as my biological family never made me feel home and I don't want anybody to go through that pain ever. Someday I want to have a son of mine whom I want to love so much and give him all the love and care he deserves that I never got.
This is me >>
https://imgur.com/a/x5Stlg7
I'm a 25 year old brown-black haired, brown eyes open minded guy who is a Muslim, of Indian and Arabian ancestry, brought up in Saudi Arabia and India and now live in Massachussets, United States but I don't mind where you are from.

After a long time of trying....I give up. Been here for 3 months and a lot of negativity being spewed by some negative people downvoting a lot of good posts into oblivion make it hard for people to find their significant other. Maybe this is not the right place to find love anymore just like dating apps....or maybe it is...if only this last post goes viral on this subreddit and I find my person...
I promised myself that I wouldn't settle down until I find someone I think about when I close my eyes, see when I open my eyes, dream of when I'm asleep, even the thought of her makes me smile and makes me feel more alive.
Someone I can laugh, flirt with, talk deeply about life with and comfort her through thick and thin.
Someone I can write poems and songs about, hold hands and cuddle with, the lady who gives me the strength to get through this world. Someone I can live with in any part of the world as long as this woman is next to me because for me home is where my love is and I want to find such a strong love for me.
I'll know that she's the one when...
I'm too scared to lose her and even thinking about it makes me cry. I can imagine my whole life with her, her happiness becomes my happiness, her pain becomes mine and I would want to do anything to ensure that she knows that I'm here for her whenever she needs me, comfort her through thick and thin. Most importantly if she shows the same level of passion for me that I'd have for her like I would when I'd be in love with her, then she is the one for me.
My greatest dream...
To find true love, and someday have a family of my own in the future. To be surrounded by people who care about me as much as I would care about them. I never had all of that in my life as my biological family never made me feel home and I don't want anybody to go through that pain ever. Someday I want to have a son of mine whom I want to love so much and give him all the love and care he deserves that I never got.
This is me >>
https://imgur.com/a/x5Stlg7
I'm a 25 year old brown-black haired, brown eyes open minded guy who is a Muslim, of Indian and Arabian ancestry, brought up in Saudi Arabia and India and now live in Massachussets, United States but I don't mind where you are from.

I plan on visiting a contractor’s office tomorrow to let him see how it feels.
DISCLAIMER: I have taken the liberty to use substitute names for the people involved. As many have noted in the comments, the dialogue feels out of place and weirdly-spaced. I’ll admit things have been somewhat paraphrased and summarized. Please keep that in mind as you read.
I went into my local hardware store tonight for a quick trip to pick up some supplies I was running low on. Quick in and out trip, 15 minutes at most. Sad to say it didn’t end up being a fast trip because when I arrived at the paint counter, I was stuck behind a contractor who wanted to cause a scene.
The guy in front of me was with his colleague, and they were arguing loudly about which paint finish to choose. They had a substantial number of paint cans on the counter, including some expensive specialty paints. When the contractor got to the counter, he froze and began searching around for an associate, who I presume he wanted to come and mix the paint for him.
The problem was that he didn’t place any orders. He just locked up and stared directly at a young woman who was busy stocking shelves in the next aisle over. After about 30 - 45 seconds of not saying anything, he loudly shouted, “Hey, you!” in his most condescending tone, followed by “Can you come here and mix my damn paint already?!”
His tactic worked, as the employee in question immediately put down her items and walked over. He was doing that typical arms-crossed stance, looking like everything was a giant inconvenience, and I will note, the man still hadn’t specified any of the paints yet.
When this young woman was in speaking range, the contractor began to berate her. “It’s frustrating to see staff just standing around doing nothing when they should be helping customers. Can you do your job and mix my paint?”
“Excuse me?” she responded.
“You heard me. Get off your butt and mix my paint so I can get out of here.”
Now, I would like to note a few things about this interaction up to this point. First, this individual was still in a work uniform…a branded polo for a local contracting company that I won’t name here, but one in which I know the owner pretty well. He’s a family friend. Second, he was still wearing his name tag (Mark, somehow I hope you’re competent enough to find your way here so you can see this story). Because of this, I knew how to address him.
Eventually, he asked the associate very rudely if she’s going to mix his paint, and she flat out told him, “No, I don’t think so. Not after how you’ve treated me. You can talk with my manager.” Good for her. She got on a walkie and called for a manager to come to the paint counter the contractor was towering over and briskly walked off towards the Customer Service counter at the front of the store. The contractor starts loudly complaining about how this is all nonsense and he’s just expressing his rights.
It was at this point where I actually found some courage and decided to give my opinion, unsolicited, just so this guy could get an outside perspective on how much of a jerk he was being. “Excuse me, but your rights don’t protect you from looking like a jerk to random strangers in a hardware store when you treat other people like trash.” The man wheeled around and locked eyes with me. “What did you just say to me?” I just smirked and said, “Oh, hard of hearing are we? I’m pretty sure you heard what I said.”
The man visibly shook on the spot. “This isn’t any of your business, so butt out!”
“I disagree. When I see someone acting like a bully for no good reason, I make it a point to speak up. You seem to think that by claiming your rights, you can say whatever you want without consequence, but that isn’t how it works, sir. Your rights protect you from government overreach for speaking your mind, but they don’t protect you from the consequences you face from others for your words or your actions.”
“That’s beside the point. I’m sick and tired of these lazy workers doing nothing and getting paid for it.” He responded, rather loudly and unaware that there were quite a few people staring at this point. Hooray. Ignorance has entered the chat.
The manager showed up, and he starts in on how he ordered his paint and that the associate in question was VERY rude to him and refused to serve him. He started stating that she told him he wouldn’t get help because he was a contractor when I interjected again.
“Sir, that is NOT what happened. This gentleman didn’t place any orders and immediately started shouting at your employee, just for the sake of being upset. He was rude, unpleasant, and even made unnecessary comments.”
He wheeled around at me again and yelled, “Shut up and mind your business!” before going on his tirade again. Something about lazy workers, something about his rights and speaking his mind.
“You know, this is very unfair of you.” I started again. “You’ve put that poor girl in an unwinnable situation. Now that you’ve raised this untrue complaint, her manager is going to have to have words with her even though she hasn’t done anything wrong. Does that sound fair to you, Mark?” I don’t think he realized he was still in uniform, because he looked at me puzzled at how I knew his name. “How would YOU feel if someone came into your place of business and told your boss a bunch of lies about how YOU were treating them unfairly when you knew perfectly well that it was a lie? Or even better, how would your boss react if he knew you were acting like this WHILE STILL IN UNIFORM with his place of business plastered all over your chest?” When he heard me say the name of his boss, he stopped cold. “Yes Mark. I know your boss VERY well, and I think I might be paying him a visit tomorrow. That is unless you decide to apologize to that girl for being a lying prick instead.”
The guy then became very rushed and suddenly in a colossal hurry. He muttered something about people not minding their own business, to which I replied with, “I’m just eXpReSsInG mY RiGhTs!” Spongebob sarcastic voice and all. He finally placed his paint orders, and the manager oversaw the mixing. His colleague started in about how I better not show up to his office tomorrow…something directed at me, but I wasn’t paying him any attention and brushed him off. I was just staring at Mark and watching him pack up his paint.
Eventually, he got all of his paint cans into his cart and he marched out, but he didn’t apologize to the manager or the employee and gave me a hearty, “Go fuck yourself, asshole!” as he flipped me off. I scanned my items and paid for my supplies, but man, was I smiling from ear to ear.
Afterwards, I made it a point to go and speak with the manager and the employee in the Customer Service center. As expected, the manager was having a conversation with the employee about that customer, and she thanked me for speaking up. I’ve worked retail before, so I know what it’s like having to deal with jerks like Mark. It’d be a cold day in hell before I let a contractor bully an employee then weasel his way into a victim role with management. Not on my watch.
So now my next play is to show up to this contracting office tomorrow. I really hope Mark is there. I hope he’s the opener. I’m going to walk in and just smile at him. Ask to see his manager. Then I think I’m going to go in and just weave the NICEST story about how he treated the employees at the hardware store, so much so that I was compelled to stop in and tell his boss that he has a real winner on his hands, and that I’m a customer for life now.
Maybe that way, he might get a message. MAYBE, he will realise that I could have started a whole shitstorm for him, but I chose not to, because unlike him, I’m not a jerk.
tl;dr (For the upset contractors in this thread who don’t like reading, it seems): Contractor got big mad for no reason and berated a hardware store employee while he himself was wearing his work uniform. I’ll be paying his boss, a family friend, a visit tomorrow to discuss his employee’s behaviour while still representing his place of work.

I'm into politics, philosophy, etc, and I've watched a decent amount of PT in the past year or so to see what resources she pulls up so that I can learn more about other topics. I'm currently watching her new video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVilpxowsUQ) on Judith Butler, and a lot of what Butler is saying is complete nonsense to me

• Gender is a performance, gender is only playing into stereotypes and trends and nothing more
• "Gender is a thing we do through repeated stylistic acts. Not a property but an embodied event"
• Compares all genders to dressing up as a femboy
• Saying that everyone (including trans people) have no true gender, gender is chosen throughout time and is always as fluid as the clothes you wear
• Claims that gender is performative (in its philosophical meaning) meaning the only thing needed to be that gender is to say you are/"do it" by putting on clothing/makeup etc
• Blamed the idea of sex-gender relation on the patriarchy and takes nonsense believed hundreds of years ago to support the idea that sex is in no way related to gender
• Then goes on to say actually sex is made up bc humans are 99.9% identical via DNA (no comment on just how impactful sex chromosomes/hormones/systems are on the entire body) so sex is actually fake and means nothing more than eye color, cites the fact that we used to think that race was more biologically significant than we now know it to be
• Further, sex and gender only exist in the "heterosexual matrix" and we should live in a completely gender-less and sex-less society, women only exist in relation to men and therefore lesbians aren't women because they exist outside the male gaze

I'm only 15 minutes in and I can no longer stand it
If Judith is right, why do I have to inject .25mL of testosterone every week? Why when I don't pack I can't think about that area without tears forming because there's something missing? Why does being called she/her feel out of touch and wrong? Why can't I preform as a woman without feeling literal pain? "Oh well you just don't like performing as a woman" okay but why there is a reason.
I think Butler's main issue is a big one amongst "progressive" trans spaces, she misrepresents gender roles and performance as actual neurological gender. And I feel disappointed that PT, as a trans woman, decided to put that very dangerous content out there (and then tried to save her ass by saying "oh well you can't actually choose your gender here's this incomprehensible quote from one of Butlers paper's saying that's not how it works" when literally everything in her video directly challenges that).
Wondering if anyone else has seen this video and read some of Butler's work and what your thoughts are on it

My wife, Mia, and I were driving cross-country. It was our first attempt at the “Great American Roadtrip.”
Mia and I rented a small RV; more of a camper than a full blown RV. We packed up a couple suitcases with plenty of room for any souvenirs and we hit the dusty trail.
We started our journey on the “Mother Road”-- Route 66-- driving south from Chicago until we connected to i-70 and shot straight west through Missouri.
The goal was to see those parts of the country we had never seen before, stopping anywhere that seemed interesting. From the plains of Kansas up through the badlands of Wyoming and South Dakota.
In Missouri we saw the world’s largest cap gun. In Kansas we visited the Evel Knievel Museum and the World’s Largest Belt Buckle.
We love all those kitschy, tourist trap places.
Eventually, we made it to Colorado and after a few hours more of driving through amber waves of grain, we saw them... the Rocky Mountains.
We made an exit and headed north through the winding mountain highways.
The Rockies were gorgeous. Snow capped in the middle of summer, some of the peaks pierced through the white fluffy clouds.
We saw a sign that read “Traffic Tunnel - 3 Miles.”
A little further and sure enough, there it was, a large tunnel bored directly through the mountain in front of us.
A large sign read, “Pike Tunnel - Longest Traffic Tunnel in the Nation! - Please turn your headlights on now.”
“How long is it?” asked Mia.
“That’s what she said,” I quipped.
But she was right, there was no information beyond the detail that this was the longest tunnel in the nation.
“Can’t be more than a mile or two,” I said as I watched the little white car ahead of us slip into the darkness. A moment later we joined it.
The tunnel was lit by fluorescents that gave everything a greenish yellow tinge. On the left hand side was a raised walkway behind a railing for maintenance access.
Initially I was struck by the incredible amount of work that went into the construction of this man- made marvel.
“We’re under a million tons of rocky mountain right now,” I said.
“How many years before this caves in?” Mia responded.
I shot her a look--
“Let’s save the cave-in talk until we’re out on the other side.”
“I’m just saying, nature will take this back eventually,” she continued.
I scanned the empty road ahead of us.
“Where did the other car go?” I asked.
We were now alone in the tunnel, no cars ahead of us nor behind us.
“Huh... they must have sped off ahead. Maybe they’re scared of a cave-in?”
My Spotify playlist had stopped playing. Mia looked at the phone.
“No cell service.”
She turned on the radio and spun the dial only to find static.
“You’re not going to be able to pick up a station in here,” I said.
She turned the volume down.
“Just wanted to check... If only we had some CDs. This tunnel really keeps going.”
“I would have thought we’d be through it by now,” I replied.
I looked at the RV’s odometer, 45,600 miles. I picked up speed. I wanted to try and catch up to the little white car.
Up until this point, the tunnel was a straight shot, but now the tunnel started to curve to the right. It may have been my imagination but it also felt as though we were descending…
Mia felt it too and she started to get antsy.
“Where did that other car go? How long is this tunnel?”
There was an urgency in her voice.
I was getting nervous, claustrophobia was not usually a problem for me but when I looked down at the odometer and I saw that it had gone up by 3 miles, my mind began to wander to unsettling places.
We were descending in altitude. I could feel it. I could see a slope in the lights on the ceiling and the railing of the maintenance walkway. I could feel a pressure in my head, and I was getting cold.
“Could you grab me a coke from the back, Mia?”
I couldn’t have Mia getting anxious, that would only start a chain reaction and make me freak out which would then make her freak out.
She unbuckled and ducked into the back of the RV to where we had a cooler stocked with drinks and food.
Just as she stepped into the back, I saw something.
There standing on the side of the road was a MAN wearing a reflective safety vest and a hard hat. He was WAVING to me as I passed him by.
Something about him looked... strange…
I watched him in the side-view mirror as we passed and he was still watching the RV, still waving at the back of our vehicle as he faded into the distance.
Mia reappeared from the back of the RV, Coke in hand. She popped it and handed it to me.
“You look worried.”
“I’m fine,” I smiled and took a sip of the Coke.
“Eric, slow down!”
I slammed on the breaks as I saw what made Mia scream. In the road in front of us was a roadblock.
Two reflective traffic sawhorses blocked both lanes of the tunnel. Beyond the roadblock, the lights of the tunnel were dark. There was nothing but a void of blackness.
Standing in front of the roadblock was another man wearing a reflective vest and a hard hat, only this time his hard hat had a light on top which obscured his face.
We came to a jolting stop.
I turned to Mia
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” she replied. “It’s a cave-in isn’t it?”
“God, I hope not.”
I rolled down the window, leaned out and yelled to the man in the hard hat.
“Hey! What’s going on?!”
The man was about 5 yards away. He took two steps towards us and then raised a hand to his mouth and yelled.
“Just doing some maintenance!”
“How long is it going to take?!” I yelled back.
The man made a hand gesture as if he didn’t hear me.
“How long is it going to take?!” I called again.
He made the same gesture. I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed the door release.
“What are you doing?” Mia asked.
“I gotta know what’s going on.”
“Eric, just stay here, it might not be safe.”
“I’ll be just a second,” I said.
I pushed the door open and stepped down from the RV.
“Stay in your vehicle!” the man yelled.
He took a couple steps towards me with his hand out telling me to stop.
“What’s the hold up?!” I shouted.
The man was a bit closer now but I still couldn’t see his face through the shining light on his helmet.
“Please stay in your vehicle!” he shouted.
There was something off about him.
Then I heard it–
“EEEAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!!!”
A scream, or something, rolled from deep in the tunnel. The worker turned and looked into the darkness. Then he ran past the barricades and soon all we could see of him was the light on his helmet.
The light disappeared a moment later.
“What the hell was that?! Is someone hurt?” Mia asked.
“I have no idea,” I said.
“Should we do something?” Mia asked.
I just sat there and watched the pitch black tunnel in front of me. I had no idea what to tell her. I checked the sideview mirrors. There was still nobody behind us.
“Where are the other cars?” I asked.
“They must have gotten through before the roadblock... Or maybe they caused the roadblock?” Mia replied.
“I saw another worker a little ways back. We could try to go back and talk to him.”
“We’d be going straight into any oncoming cars.”
“There’s a maintenance walkway. We didn’t pass him that long ago. We can probably catch him on foot.”
“Maybe we should just wait for the guy to come back.”
She reached over and grabbed my arm. I squeezed her hand.
She was right.
I looked out at the tunnel ahead of us. I turned on the RV’s high beams but all I could see beyond the roadblock was more tunnel and more road.
I checked my phone. Unsurprisingly, there was no service still.
We waited, but the man never came back.
“It’s been twenty minutes,” Mia said, “How come there hasn’t been another car behind us?
I was having the same thought. I rolled down my window and stuck my head out. I looked back at the road behind us. It went back about 200 yards before curving out of sight.
There was no sign of that first worker I saw on the maintenance walk way. I looked at the roadblock ahead of us and clicked on the RV’s high beams. There was nothing beyond the roadblock but more tunnel. It didn’t look like it was under construction, just very dark.
“I think we should keep going,” I said.
“What about the roadblock?”
“We’ll move those sawhorses out of the way and just drive past,” I said as I opened my door.
Mia looked at me, then she cast her eyes to the dark tunnel ahead of us. I knew she was processing the same limited options that I was.
Driving backwards would be a huge risk in the instance of another car finally coming along.
Getting out and walking would take God knows how long, we could have driven 10 miles at this point.
Forward was our best option.
“Let’s do it,” Mia said.
We jumped out and quickly pulled the two sawhorses out of the right lane. I pulled the RV up past the barriers, then we jumped out again and put the sawhorses back where they were. We didn't need another car to come barreling through.
We were finally moving again, slowly. It was pitch black save for the high beams of the RV.
We crept forward at around 15 miles per hour. As the tunnel turned and twisted, my eyes started to play tricks on me. I kept seeing shapes at the furthest point of the tunnel.
I kept seeing something standing just at the end of the next bend but as we roll forward, there was nothing there.
“Where are the workers?” Mia asked.
“I don’t know.”
I was done rationalizing. This was all wrong. Traffic tunnels are never this long.
My mind started to wander to all the road trip urban legends I’d read about; The Killer in the Backseat, The Disappearing Gas Station, The Pale Man In The Corn Field.
Did we stumble into some strange outlier location? An in-between point on the endless roads that cross this country?
Then I saw it–
“Look! A person! Thank god!” Mia shouted.
As we rounded a curve in the tunnel, a group of maintenance workers entered our view.
The three of them stood on the left side of the road behind two more sawhorses topped with flashing lights.
Two of them faced towards us, the third was facing the other two.
The one with his back to us wore a light on his hard hat. Was this the same guy we saw earlier? How did he get this far away?
I approached slowly and rolled down the window.
“Hey! You left us waiting back there!” I yelled.
There was no response.
In fact, all three men were completely silent, and it was hard to tell in the flashing light of the sawhorses, but they looked to be standing COMPLETELY STILL.
“Hello?!” I yelled again.
I pushed open my door and stepped out onto the pavement.
“Eric wait--”
I held up a finger to Mia.
“Just a second.”
I slowly stepped towards the 3 men.
“Hello?”
No response… What the fuck?
The bright lights of the sawhorses obscured their faces.
I kept moving closer.
“Hey, what’s going on--”
Then I saw it.
Their faces... They were plastic.
In front of me stood three mannequins.
I backed away toward the RV, then I turned and walked hurriedly to the vehicle.
I was seriously freaked out but I didn’t want to alarm Mia. I climbed into the driver’s seat and slammed the door shut.
“They’re mannequins.” I said.
“What?”
“They’re mannequins.”
”Why?... What?...”
“I don’t know…”
I looked back over at the three figures and my blood ran cold…
The Hard Hat Mannequin had somehow TURNED AROUND to face us. All three figures appeared to be watching us now.
Then we heard it--
A loud resonant banging on the side, and then the roof of the RV.
“What the hell was that?” Mia whispered.
We listened, holding our breath. Then--
A shuffling sound--
Something was moving ON or IN the RV.
“Stay here.” I said.
I got up.
“Eric, wait!”
I moved to the back of the RV.
It was dark. I went for a drawer in the kitchenette space and pulled out a flashlight.
I moved to the rear of the RV, the bedroom. My flashlight illuminated an empty room.
“Whoever is back here, I have a gun…”
A shitty bluff. But I didn’t see anything.
I shone the light out of the windows of each side of the RV. Nothing.
Then I heard it–
A shuffling sound, from right above me.
I looked up and screamed–
“Fuck!”
On the roof of the RV, staring through the skylight was a woman with vacuous black eyes and a dead smile.
Her stringy black hair dangled down towards me casting thing black shadows across her horrible pale face.
“Mia, drive! Fast!” I screamed.
Mia JUMPED over to the driver’s seat, shifted into gear and STOMPED on the gas. The RV was clunky but it could move when it needed to.
We lurched forward and I fell back.
I trained my flashlight up onto the skylight again and the woman was gone.
I scrambled to my feet and looked out of the side windows.
Did Mia shake her off? There was no sign of the woman. I moved to the passenger seat, breathing heavily and sweating.
“What happened?” She asked, keeping the RV at a steady 50 mph.
“There was a woman on the roof,” I said flatly.
I realize now that I was in a kind of shock.
“A woman?”
“Her eyes were black.”
Mia just looked at me, then back at the tunnel ahead of us.
“There’s something wrong with this tunnel.” I whispered.
Mia pointed at the road ahead, “Look.”
I looked out at the tunnel. There were more mannequins. A LOT more mannequins. They were positioned on both sides of the road.
They were all facing us and even though I never saw them move, when I looked in the side-view mirror, they were somehow STILL facing us, turning to watch us as we drove past. Watching without eyes.
“Just keep driving.” I said.
As we drove on, the mannequins crowded the sides of the road more and more. There were thousands of them. Eventually they were so close that some of their outstretched arms hit the side of the RV.
They were closing in on us. Squeezing our path forward. One stood in the middle of the road.
“I don’t think i can get around it.”
“Run it over. Don’t stop.”
The RV smashed into the mannequin. Its head shot forward and bounced against the windshield and the vehicle shuddered as it rolled over the body.
Soon there were two in the road. Then three.
I could see where this was going. Pretty soon there would be too many for the RV to ram through, but goddammit we were going to get through as many as we could.
“Speed up, Mia.”
CRASH!
The sound was surreal, smashing into mannequin after mannequin at nearly 60 miles per hour.
Hands, legs, heads and torsos flew.
The windshield cracked, the RV shuddered and screamed and eventually slowed down, despite the screaming engine.
I’m certain the axle was jammed up with lifeless, plastic body parts. Eventually we came to a stop.
“She won’t move,” Mia said.
She pressed on the gas but it was no use, the RV just rocked a little bit.
“Try reverse.”
She shifted and pressed on the gas, we got some decent movement before running into another jam.
“Fuck.”
“Should we get out and look?” Mia asked.
“I’ll go,” I said as I grabbed the flashlight and popped the passenger door. Mia unbuckled her seatbelt.
“We’ll go together.”
We stumbled out of the RV on the passenger side. It was like stepping into Hell.
Countless, lifeless faces stared out at us from the darkness. The only light came from the headlights of the RV and my flashlight.
We clumsily made our way along the side of the RV. The ground was littered with mannequin pieces.
I thought to myself, if we could get a couple yards cleared out behind the rear tires, we might be able to back out and get enough momentum to reverse all the way back out of here.
Instead, when we got to the back of the RV, my stomach flipped and my heart sank.
I was expecting to see a trail of flattened mannequins, instead the RV was now surrounded by thousands of perfectly intact mannequins standing at attention. As if their ranks had some how been replenished after our vehicular assault.
“This is impossible.”
She started to cry. I held her close.
“We’ll keep moving.” I said.
“It will never end. The tunnel makes no sense. It only curves one direction.”
I looked at her.
“What do you mean?”
“This whole time the tunnel has only been curving to the right. it would sometimes straighten out or go left for a few yards but before too long we were curving to the right again. We’ve either been driving in circles or spiraling downwards.”
“So we’ll go back the way we came and hope we’re not going in circles.” I said.
We had been driving for hours at this point. Walking back out the way we came would take days. But now that I thought about it, Mia was right, we’d only been curving to the right.
This tunnel seemed to be very gradually taking us downwards into the earth.
Going forward would not get us any closer to escape.
“We’ll need food from the RV,” Mia said.
I nodded and we stumbled our way back to the front of the RV, the mannequins’ lifeless faces watching us the whole time.
I stepped up to the passenger door and nearly fell back when I looked through the window.
“What the fuck?” I breathed.
What I saw were two mannequins sitting in the driver’s and passenger’s seat.
How they got in there? I have no idea, but what really made my blood run cold was that they were dressed EXACTLY like MIA and I.
They wore identical sets of clothes. The one in the passenger seat had my same New Order T-shirt and black jeans. The one in the driver’s seat had Mia’s green striped sweater and denim shorts.
Their plastic faces stared out through the shattered windshield at the endless crowd of mannequins staring back at them.
Mia stepped up and saw the uncanny display.
“What the fuck?” Mia echoed.
I pulled myself up into the RV and slowly stepped around my mannequin doppelgänger. I avoided looking into its face but I swear i could feel it watching me as I stumbled around it.
Mia followed and we made our way into the back of our dark RV. Luckily we had just stocked our cooler full of deli meat and water not long after crossing the Colorado state line.
I handed Mia the flashlight and pulled open the cooler. I filled a backpack full of food and water.
I turned and saw them–
My mannequin double had somehow moved. It was standing in the aisle watching us.
Mia’s doppelgänger was still seated in the driver’s seat but had turned to peer back at us with its eyeless gaze.
Mia saw the look in my eyes and turned. She screamed when she saw them and backed into me. I put my arm around her and we stood there a moment, letting our skyrocketing heart rates return to Earth.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said.
I slid the backpack onto my shoulders.
Mia joined me at the door. I looked into her eyes. “Are you ready?” She nodded. I kissed her.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you,” she said.
The look on her face killed me. She was terrified. I’m sure the look on my face was similar.
I opened the door and we stepped out…
We again stumbled to the back of the RV. Once we were clear of the RV and all the crushed mannequin body parts, it became easier to find footing, though weaving through an endless crowd of lifeless people was a slow process.
It was pitch black. Without the flashlight we wouldn’t be able to see a foot in front of us.
As I walked, the beam of light created the illusion of movement in the crowd. At least I hoped it was an illusion.
The limbs of the mannequins seemed to stretch and turn, but the only sound was that of Mia and I shuffling our way through the crowded tunnel.
Things went on like this for what felt like hours. Mia and I were sweating and aching. I was about to suggest we stop and rest, but then I saw it and I froze…
Out in the crowd, beyond rows of blank faces I saw a pale face, black hair and a dead smile.
I saw two vacuous eyes staring right at me.
“Mia, do you see her?” I whispered.
“See who?”
I slowly raised my arm and pointed.
It was the woman, or whatever it was, that stared back at me through the skylight on the roof of the RV.
“Oh my god!” Mia squeaked.
I could see now that the Pale Faced Woman was tall. A few inches taller than the mannequins.
As I pointed, she stared back at me with that terrible grin.
“What do we do?” Mia whispered.
I raised the flashlight and pointed it right at the Pale Faced Woman. I thought maybe this would scare her off.
I was wrong.
The light only made her appear more unsettling as she stared back, unflinchingly.
“What do you want?!” I yelled.
She only stared back at me. She was as still as the mannequins.
“We have to keep going.” I whispered.
Mia didn’t respond. Her body was tense as she held onto me.
“We’ve come this far, we can’t turn back again,” I continued.
I pulled Mia’s hand and we continued on our way through the mannequins, keeping the distance between us and her as wide as possible.
As we moved past, she kept watching us. Though her movements were imperceptible to us, her eyes never left us. Like one of those portraits whose eyes appear to watch you no matter where you stand.
Finally, we got far enough that she was out of sight. But the thought of her being somewhere behind us only unsettled me further and I quickened our pace.
As the hours wore on, there was no sign of the Pale Faced Woman and the crowd of mannequins began to thin out. They still populated the tunnel from one end to the other, but there was more space between them, allowing Mia and I to walk more freely.
The mannequins on the maintenance walkway on the side of the tunnel seemed to thin out as well and I decided it would give us a better vantage if we were walking up there.
I helped Mia climb up the railing that bordered the walkway, then I climbed up behind her. The walkway was elevated 3 or 4 feet above the roadway. We could easily see over the heads of the mannequins in both directions.
There was, of course, no end to the tunnel in sight.
We kept walking.
The mannequins continued to thin out, but they were different now.
There were mannequins dressed as maintenance workers again, but also mannequins dressed as families and businessmen. There was even a group of mannequin nuns standing in a single file line, heads bowed in prayer.
Needless to say, we passed none of this on the way in to the tunnel. I was feeling very hopeless that we were going to be able to find our way out.
I was far beyond speculating how this was at all possible. It’s NOT possible. And even if it were, there is no good reason for someone to do this to us.
The only explanation was the supernatural. Then I saw Her. Rather, I saw THEM.
Arranged in the middle of the tunnel was a circle of mannequins with long black hair and tattered cloth.
They looked exactly like the Pale Faced Woman, minus any facial features. I kept a close watch on them as we passed to make sure they didn’t start following us.
“A door!” Mia shouted.
Mia pointed a few paces ahead of her. There was a door leading into the wall of the tunnel.
We ran towards it. Mia grabbed the handle, turned it and pulled. It was heavy and Mia had to brace her foot on the wall to get it moving.
The metal door groaned as if it hadn’t been opened in years.
Finally, it was open enough to see past.
It was a hallway. It went out about 5 yards then turned right at a 90 degree angle.
The strangest part was the design of the hallway.
It wasn’t cement or pavement like the tunnel.
The walls were wood paneled and the floor was covered in a thick carpet, like a house from the 1970s.
“I say we see where this takes us.” Mia said.
There was no reason to disagree, but I wasn’t going to get us trapped in there.
I opened up my backpack and took out a water bottle. I opened it and handed it to Mia. She drank half, then I drank the other half.
I slowly closed the door, shoving the empty water bottle in the crack to keep it from closing all the way.
I turned to Mia-- “Okay, let’s go.”
We slowly made our way down the quiet hallway. We got down to where the hallway cornered to the right and that’s when we heard it–
KA-CHUNK!!!--
I whipped around. The door had closed behind us. I ran back to it and tried to push it open, but it was no use. There was no way it closed on its own.
Someone had to have removed the water bottle. Our path had been chosen for us.
There was no turning back.
We continued down the hallway. We turned right. The hallway continued, then turned right again. That should have led us right back to the tunnel. But it didn’t. This part of the hallway went on far longer than was possible without running into the tunnel. Then it turned right again.
It went on like this. Sometimes a section of the hallway was 20 feet long, sometimes it was 20 yards long, sometimes it was 3 feet long. But it always turned to the right.
At first it was a relief to be somewhere other than the cold, dark tunnel. But the hallway very quickly became claustrophobic and before too long, I heard someone walking behind us.
We had stopped to take a break and I heard a third pair of footsteps on the carpet coming from behind us. I backtracked to the last corner.
I was terrified as I slowly peeked around the corner, tense and waiting to see the vacuous eyes and inky black hair of the Pale Faced Woman... but there was nothing there. I wasn’t about to backtrack any further.
“There was no one there.” I whispered.
Mia slumped against the wall and slid down to the carpet.
“I think I need to rest.” She said.
I put my backpack down on the ground for Mia to use as a pillow. She laid her head down and was passed out in seconds.
I had no idea how long we had been walking at this point. I stood leaning against the wall. My body was telling me to rest but I couldn’t risk falling asleep. I had to keep watch. I knew SHE was following us.
I took in the details of the hallway for the first time. The carpet was a dull brown and the walls a cheap wood paneling. The hanging lighting fixtures were shaded by stained glass, something you might see in an old diner.
Who built this place? Did someone pick out the carpet and the lighting fixtures? Did a team of workers blast these tunnels into the Earth? Or has this place always existed? Was this Purgatory?
I began to feel dizzy. I was panicking. My heart felt like it was trying to escape my chest. I slumped to the floor and tried to slow my breathing.
I closed my eyes... –
I SHOT up in a panic. I had fallen asleep while I was meant to be keeping watch.
I snapped to my feet and looked around.
Mia was still asleep on my backpack.
Then I noticed that the hallway had changed. A few paces away there was now a plain wooden door in the wall.
I slowly approached it. I put my ear to the door and I could hear what sounded like TV static and the low murmur of voices.
I discreetly grabbed the door handle and turned it slowly. I felt the latch bolt clear and I carefully cracked the door just enough to peek inside.
It was dark, so it took a second for me to register what I was seeing. I saw a small board room. A long table in the center was surrounded by seated men in suits.
At the end of the table stood another man next to an old CRT TV that was playing static. This was the only source of light in the room and all the men around the table were turned towards the tv.
Suddenly the screen flickered from static to a solid dark background. And some warped new age style muzak began playing.
Then the words appeared on the screen that terrified me like nothing else before. In plain text the words read–
“YOU WILL LOSE HER.”
I froze as I knew these words were meant for me I watched with terror as the men seated around the table slowly turned toward me in unison.
They were mannequins.
The TV screen then clicked off and they continued staring at me as I could barely make out their forms through the near pitch darkness.
I quickly pulled the door shut. And whipped around to look at Mia, I had a horrible feeling of dread that when I turned around she would be gone, like the message on the TV promised–
“Eric? What are you doing?” Mia was leaning up and staring at me.
Thank God. There was Mia, right where I left her.
I pointed at the door and said, “This door appeared and I--”
“What door?” she interrupted.
I turned and sure enough, the door was now gone.
I explained what happened to her, but I left out the message that appeared on the screen.
-- YOU WILL LOSE HER –
Those words still burned in my brain. I tried to force them out.
We drank water, ate granola and then got moving again.
Hallways. Endless hallways.
After a couple hours of walking we started to hear music. There were small speakers in the corners of the ceiling.
I recognized it as the same new-age muzak that played on the TV in the board room. The melody drilled into our minds. Combined with the dull aesthetics of the quiet hallways and the endless right turns, the music had a hypnotizing effect.
The lengths of the halls became more uniform. That is to say, the straight section of hallway was about 7 paces, then a right turn, then 7 paces and a right turn.
“I think we’re walking in circles... or a square,” Mia said.
I looked at her and took out a bottle of water. I peeled off the plastic label and dropped it on the floor.
Then we kept walking.
7 paces, right turn. 7 paces, right turn. 7 paces, right turn. And there it was... Mia was right.
The label from my water bottle lay in the middle of the hallway. Somehow we had been led into a loop. I lost it.
“FUUUCK!”
I kicked the wall repeatedly and screamed. Mia just leaned her back against the wall.
This was our dynamic. If one of us lost it, the other became zen and thought of a solution. More often than not, I was the one to lose it.
I finally stopped freaking out
“There has to be a way out. A door,” Mia said.
“We would have seen it,” I replied.
“A hidden door,” she said.
She turned around and ran her hands along the cracks of the wood paneling.
“Most likely on the outer wall,” she said.
She beat her fist on the wall, listening for a change in the sound. I exhaled heavily, sweating and tired, and I started searching the wall as well.
We checked the whole first wall, nothing. We checked the second wall, nothing. The third, nothing.
The final wall... Nothing. I gave up and slumped on the floor. Mia immediately went over to the other side of the hall and started checking the inner wall.
“What are you doing? I thought you said it would be on the outer wall?” I asked.
Then we heard it.
Mia beat the wall and instead of the dead thud, we heard a resonate BOOM –
A door…
I shot up and started tapping the wall with Mia until we found where the door ended. It was the width of about 4 wooden panels. I lined myself up in the center, lowered my shoulder and pushed–
IT MOVED! It barely moved but it was enough to confirm this actually was a door! I re-centered and tried again, lowering my center of gravity, I pushed as hard as I could. The door pushed inward about 3 inches, then Mia joined in. We slowly moved the door, 5 inches, then 10, then 15, then 20.
Then Mia slipped inside.
I had a moment of panic as she disappeared into the darkness and those haunting words came back into my mind, “YOU WILL LOSE HER.”
I darted past the doorway, falling through the threshold and hitting the concrete floor.
I looked up and there was Mia, thank God. I promised myself I’d never let her out of my sight again.
“The exit...” Mia said.
She looked and sounded as if she were a thousand miles away. I got to my feet and followed her gaze. What I saw nearly brought me to tears.
We were back in the tunnel, but there was light. About a mile down was the mouth of the tunnel, and daylight pouring in. Beautiful daylight. I grabbed Mia tight and kissed her.
“Thank God...” she cried.
We started moving. Nothing was going to slow us down this time. We sped up into a RUN down the maintenance walkway towards that beautiful sunlight.
As we approached, something else came into view. Parked in the middle of the roadway was a large vehicle…
It couldn’t be…
It was!
Our RV sat in the road waiting for us. We ran all the way to it, pulled open the passenger side door and climbed in. There were no mannequins to be seen.
I fell into the driver’s seat and Mia handed me the keys. I turned over the engine, the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I shifted into gear and floored it towards the sunlight.
As we got closer, I could see the green of trees and the blue of the sky. We were maybe one hundred yards away.
I turned to Mia, tears in my eyes…
And what I saw turned my blood to ice.
Just beyond Mia’s window, that horrifying pale face grinned at me.
The Pale Faced Woman was somehow floating outside of the RV.
Before I could say anything, her hand smashed through the window and gripped Mia by the throat, then in one horrible motion the thing PULLED MIA SCREAMING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND…
Disappeared…
I SLAMMED on the breaks just as the RV passed through the exit of the tunnel and sunlight flooded the cab of the RV. I threw it in park and shot out of the door screaming.
“Mia!? Mia??!!”
I screamed over and over. I rounded the front of the RV and looked back at the tunnel –
-- and what I saw shattered my mind…
The tunnel was gone.
There was only open road.
I had lost her.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!! For those who haven't played this game (yet), please ignore this post 🙏
y'all I'm still grinding the ouranos island rn so by far, lemme rank the islands I've played through (from best to worst)

1. Kronos Island (Best) Reason being, this island was solid, ngl. I was able to capture all the memory tokens as I go and grind without having to worry about how many more tokens do I have to acquire in order to talk to Amy. Plus, the map was laid out beautifully and the travelling was a lot easier.
   
2. Rhea Island (Second best) Ngl, this one's real solid. like the only objective is to just shut those towers down and we're good to go. The reason why this falls second is bc I had to put a bit more effort to grind through the rails or wall runs or platforms (sometimes the camera angle fucks up a bit and it kinda becomes trickier to see the next path). But overall, I had fun w this island ngl
   
3. Ouranos Island (Mid) Currently playing through this rn so this might be subject to changes later (if I happen to come back and check on this feed). Unlike Amy, tails and knucks, this one's got a lot of grinding to do. like I needa collect exorbitant amount of memory tokens to talk to sage and so far I couldn't see any side quests too (FYI, I've just collected the blue emerald and now I'm off to collect the vault keys for the next emerald). Besides, I feel like I'm lost in this island sometimes looking at how I keep coming back to the same spots back and forth ☠ (skill issue, ik shush)
   
4. Ares Island (Second worst) This one's got me touching my nose by wrapping my hand all the way behind my head and touch it from the other side. Legit I was gonna get the white emerald that stood on a SMALL mountain above the mountain I stood. Naturally, my instinct was to just use boost and speed up ahead but alas, I slip back to the mountain I was standing onto earlier. it legit had me searching for a route only to realise that there's this rail grinding shi from about 10 feet away from the mountain in order to get to the vault that's legit RIGHT above me (that I could see it in my naked eye) Plus, the amount of small passages and dead-ends had me ☠☠☠☠ like I'm tryna follow the cursor that's directing me to a vault or knucks by using those short passages (as a shortcut) only to find myself either looping the mountain or just hit the dead end ☠
   
5. Chaos Island (Worst) Nothing, just ☠☠☠☠☠☠☠. I have no words to describe the amount of hate I have for this island so I'll rather save my words and your time ☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
   

After camping at Cedar Springs for the first time recently, I was studying various maps of the area, and noticed that on older maps, there was a trail connecting Cedar Springs (and the PCT) to Palm Canyon in the Indian Canyons in Palm Springs.
I was able to find out the trail was called Jo Pond trail, build in the 90s, a pretty impressive series of switchbacks that climb over 4000 feet up from the desert to Cedar Springs, that must have taken some effort to build. From looking at historic aerial photos, the trail looked well defined and maintained until 2013, when most of the landscape the trail went through was almost completely stripped of all vegetation in the 2013 Mountain Fire. I assume the trail was then closed for a period of time (same as the PCT above it that was also hit by the same fire)
From the aerials again, it looks like the trail was never maintained after that, and has slowly been taken over by the rebounding vegetation. I was able to find a few trail reports from around 2018 or 2019 from people who managed to hike it, making note of difficult trail finding in places, and nothing since. The recent wetter years seemed to have accelerated the regrowth as well, and on most recent aerials, the trail is almost completely invisible.
I also found some news reports about a rescue on this trail in winter of 2018 of a tourist who slipped down the snow into a canyon and had to be helicoptered out after 3 days of being stranded.
I am assuming the relatively low popularity of this trail (due to combination of difficulty, the logistics of connecting to it at the Indian Canyons, with no overnight parking allowed, cost, etc.) plus the fire and rescues afterwards caused the trail to be abandoned, but I can't find any official information about this anywhere, other than the trail quietly disappearing from most recent maps.
Does anyone have more of the story ? Is this trail officially closed, or is it still possible to try to hike it ?
The trail also used to pass through a BLM parcel that would have made it possible to camp in the area below the "Needles Eye" flat (on the old aerials there appear to be nice spots along the trail there too, with at least seasonal water flow in the creek in the West Fork Palm Canyon), this parcel has been part of a land swap in 2018 and given to the ACBCI, so the entire trail past the Garnet Ridge (which is SBNF) is now on Indian land, and they do not allow any overnight camping as far as I can tell (not sure if there were any stipulations that would have preserved this right on the former BLM owned parcels in the swap, I assume not)
For reference the trail can be seen on this map for example and even still shows on on the Indian Canyons trail map, although they have removed it from most other places on their site (the elevation profile is also still up)

I am 24. For reference I am Female to Male Transgender, no operations, on testosterone.
I have had pain for a long time, more prevalent in the past 6 years, but have had problems for significantly longer.
I have always gotten bad muscle cramps from a young age, especially in my calf muscles, the earliest I remember I would have been about 7-8 and I would often wake up from them, though that has not happened in a few years now asides from a random once or twice.
The pain is mostly in my joints, especially hips, knees, back (upper, middle and lower,) neck and fingers.
I have PCOS, and T2 Diabetes diagnosed in 2020, at age 20.
I am 173cm, 108kg. I am not too active at this point in time due to my pain, however 2 years ago I was walking an average of 10k steps a day 4 days a week, and actively working out with weights. Did not help the pain at all, and was having to rest often or I’d be in too much pain to stand.
I also have gut issues, seemingly always ulternating between constipated and diarrhoea. Very sensitive to the sun, with l sunscreen on i will still burn on my face which often leads to extreme swelling and my eyes being stuck closed. Overall sensitivity to light, and eye muscle pain. Psoriasis(?) on face which suddenly appeared after a bad sunburn.
I get headaches very often, and nausea, I recently randomly fainted after a brainfreeze which had never happened before, but feeling dizzy and lightheaded is common.
I have jaw pain, TMJ, and have dislocated my jaw twice from overextention (yawning.)
I get severe pain in my fingers and hands, typing even just this causes my thumbs to seize up a bit and makes typing a lot harder on my phone. And I wake up with weakness in my hands daily and am unable to do basic tasks for an amount of time.
Chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression also prevalent throughout my life.
Arthritis of many types runs in my family, my aunt has lupus, both of my maternal grandparents have Ankylosing Spodylitis. All have been ruled out (though need to get retested for Lupus)
Starting to get frustrated at doctors not caring and saying there’s nothing wrong, blaming my weight etc.
Are there any specific tests I should ask for? Any referrals that would be most beneficial? I was told rheumatologist, but then the doctor wouldn’t actually refer me so… yeah.
Just want answers at this point, starting to struggle, 1-2 hours on my feet and my whole bodt is aching for the next 12.

Today I’ve read quite a lot of posts about your pain. Your sadness. Your depression. You cannot sleep, you cannot think, your mind is flooded with rumination. You can’t focus on school, work, or anything that matters to you.
I understand your pain intimately. It brings tears to my eyes as I remember my own pain and endure the phantom pangs that still linger.
A bit of support and advice:
It’s the narcissist.
It is your love and your trauma bond that fuel the pain that you have right now.
The narcissist is the sickness in your body. The affection and love in your heart is breaking it over. And over. The more tightly you cling to the shared fantasy, the more you will hurt. It’s like you kissing a jellyfish. You picked it up because it’s pretty and squishy.
Now put it down because by nature it is literally killing you.
The narcissist IS spiritual death.
By wishing to get back with the narc, you’re killing yourself.
As you wait for that call, that text, that email, you are aging yourself.
As you boil and bubble up in low vibrations like jealousy and rage, the higher version of yourself is spiritually beating the lower version of yourself.
To love a narcissist is to squeeze on a Japanese double edged sword.
Don’t go out like a samurai.
Live for the future version of you.
When you go no contact AND let go of the hope of you and the narc finally and completely,
Those terrible symptoms will begin to fade.
The further away you get from the narc,
The more of your heart you reclaim For yourself,
The less pain will be there.
All your pain, anxiety, and despair comes from loving the narc.
The narc is poisonous.
You are the antidote.
Your precious supply fueled the narc and kept the narc from spiritual destruction.
You are the key. You are the energy source. You are the light.
When you realize it, you’ll find the freedom from the pain you’re in.

Today I’ve read quite a lot of posts about your pain. Your sadness. Your depression. You cannot sleep, you cannot think, your mind is flooded with rumination. You can’t focus on school, work, or anything that matters to you.
I understand your pain intimately. It brings tears to my eyes as I remember my own pain and endure the phantom pangs that still linger.
A bit of support and advice:
It’s the narcissist.
It is your love and your trauma bond that fuel the pain that you have right now.
The narcissist is the sickness in your body. The affection and love in your heart is breaking it over. And over. The more tightly you cling to the shared fantasy, the more you will hurt. It’s like you kissing a jellyfish. You picked it up because it’s pretty and squishy.
Now put it down because by nature it is literally killing you.
The narcissist IS spiritual death.
By wishing to get back with the narc, you’re killing yourself.
As you wait for that call, that text, that email, you are aging yourself.
As you boil and bubble up in low vibrations like jealousy and rage, the higher version of yourself is spiritually beating the lower version of yourself.
To love a narcissist is to squeeze on a Japanese double edged sword.
Don’t go out like a samurai.
Live for the future version of you.
When you go no contact AND let go of the hope of you and the narc finally and completely,
Those terrible symptoms will begin to fade.
The further away you get from the narc,
The more of your heart you reclaim For yourself,
The less pain will be there.
All your pain, anxiety, and despair comes from loving the narc.
The narc is poisonous.
You are the antidote.
Your precious supply fueled the narc and kept the narc from spiritual destruction.
You are the key. You are the energy source. You are the light.
When you realize it, you’ll find the freedom from the pain you’re in.

Hi all,
I started collecting Brets in the midst of the pandemic, when The Old World being launched was a mere twinkle of hope in the wistful eye of that old fellah at the back of the bar…
Lo and behold it’s come to fruition!
During Covid I also started collecting a lot of old white dwarf magazines which in part inspired my interest in brets… in particular I was whole heartedly converted by the article on Stillmania as an approach to army building!
The below is my attempt at a 2,000 point list - one that I am hoping to lock in soon and not look to change it too much once it is, in keeping with the Stillmania theme.
I’d appreciate any one giving their 2 cents on how they think it will play, tips and tricks I could pull off, if there’s any glaringly obvious mistakes, or any minor optimisations you might recommend (builds, items, banners, choice of lore’s, models per unit etc etc)
The force itself is inspired by Lord Dunsany’s story Carcassonne - and I’ve tried somewhat to reflect that in how I have modelled the army and named the various champions etc. I’ve also tried to make the force fairly “historical friendly” if that’s the right term thus the lack of Griffons, Pegasus, Unicorns etc etc.
I mostly play against Ogres, Lizardmen, Skaven, maybe rarely against Chaos and Vampires - and it’s not that I am looking for tools to abuse, and I realise I’ve handicapped myself in limiting the types of units and by adopting a Stillmania approach to games - but I would like to be minority competitive / able to hold my own for at least interesting games against the above forces!
Please let me know what you think!

Kingdom of Bretonnia [1999 pts]

Warhammer: The Old World, Kingdom of Bretonnia

++ Characters [727 pts] ++
Duke [343 pts] - Hand weapon - Heavy armour - Shield - General - Bretonnian Warhorse - Gromril Great Helm - Paymaster's Coin - Sirienne's Locket - Virtue of Heroism
Prophetess [206 pts] - Hand weapon - Level 4 Wizard - Bretonnian Warhorse - Prayer Icon of Quenelles - Illusion
Paladin [178 pts] - Hand weapon - Heavy armour - Shield - Battle Standard Bearer [Errantry Banner] - Bretonnian Warhorse - Giant Blade - Virtue of the Impetuous Knight
++ Core Units [590 pts] ++
9 Mounted Knights of the Realm [257 pts] - Hand weapons - Lances - Shields - Heavy armour - First Knight (champion) [Berserker Blade] - Standard bearer - Musician
8 Mounted Knights of the Realm [233 pts] - Hand weapons - Lances - Shields - Heavy armour - First Knight (champion) [Foebreaker] - Standard bearer - Musician
10 Peasant Bowmen [50 pts] - Hand weapons - Longbows - Unarmoured
10 Peasant Bowmen [50 pts] - Hand weapons - Longbows - Unarmoured
++ Special Units [257 pts] ++
6 Questing Knights [177 pts] - Hand weapons - Great weapons - Shields - Heavy armour - Paragon (champion) - Standard bearer - Musician
10 Squires [80 pts] - Hand weapons - Longbows - Scouts
++ Rare Units [425 pts] ++
Field Trebuchet [100 pts] - Field Trebuchet - Hand weapons
8 Grail Knights [325 pts] - Hand weapons - Lances - Shields - Heavy armour - Grail Guardian (champion) - Standard bearer - Musician
Created with "Old World Builder"
[https://old-world-builder.com]

he broke up with me in mid april. so it's been a little over a month. we went no contact, despite never discussing that we would. it has been devastating for me. i speculate about what he is doing and torture myself with thoughts of regret and grief. i miss him more than i've ever missed anyone.
i feel better than i did a month ago but only so much. i have been busy with art making and traveling and going out and spending time with friends and meeting new ones. I still think about him several times a day. He is always in the back of my mind. my new attempt to stop hurting so much and detach is to say to myself "i'm not going to let you hurt me anymore." that seems to work, temporarily, but i can't shake the desire to reach out, especially as what would have been our anniversary approaches.
He expressed his feelings at the beginning of March, after I returned from a weekend trip to nyc. I expressed extreme emotions, because I so desperately wanted him to stay with me, and felt so badly for anything and everything I had done to make him feel that way. He wouldn't look me in the eyes when I cried because it was "too much." I called him at some point the next day and asked if we were still together, despite knowing he wanted to break up, he said yes. This was the beginning of a month of mixed signals and reluctance to hang out with me. Looking back, I didn't respect what he wanted and his boundaries, and I regret that deeply. I should have let him go and not made him feel more resentful toward me.
When we had that last conversation in mid April, he said "i don't want to hang out with you anymore." In the last month we were together (March), he also would say he loved me and call me every day (usually greeting me with "hello beautiful") and say he was glad we weren't doing the single thing because dating sucks. Yet, he would make this face, a face that appeared angry or upset at me, right upon greeting me. He would get angry with me over little things, would sulk when he hung out with me, after being sweet minutes before.
He was dealing with depression, major depression, that he has dealt with his entire life. I tink he felt he was depressed because of our relationship. He was also struggling to adjust to the new city. He wasn't making friends as quickly as he thought and was unable to motivate himself to getting started on writing music and go out. I admit that during the winter, our relationship became boring and we would stay in together on the weekends. We would argue too. Neither of us were having much fun during that time, except when we watched movies, went furniture shopping or had sex (lol).
For context: we both moved to the same new city. I was terrified when he said he wanted to move when he got laid off last May. I expressed this sadness and frustration and worry but I made plans to move as well. I moved for him yes, but this city was one I'd been talking about moving to since before I met him and it seemed like the right time to go, for myself but also to continue this relationship.
About a month before I moved, because of being upset and angry with him still for leaving me behind, he attempted to break up with me. I still lived in our home town and he drove all the way back to arrive at my apt, and surprise me by saying "i came to break up." I immediately had a panic attack and begged him to stay with me. He stayed with me, against his will but, after that, everything seemed fine and our relationship suddenly became much better than it was before. He seemed to still love me a lot. He even helped me move out of my apartment and drove the uhaul for me.
I look back and realize how much he probably felt forced or obligated to do. Maybe not everything, or all the time, but out of some kind of love he was trying to still have for me. I know now that you can't make someone stay and I feel terrible for doing that to him. I just loved and still love him more than I've loved anyone. I couldn't, and still can't, let go.
It had been a long time coming. We were incompatible in many ways; I was too anxiously attached and would demand too much of his time and emotional energy. He was avoidant. We would get into petty arguments about things rather frequently. I unfortunately would get angry with him over things that were rooted in my insecurity, which resulted in my own jealousy and possessive issues. I regret acting this way, and not supporting his music in the way he deserved. My regrets are endless.
i didn't really get into the issues i had with his behavior in the relationship but, i just wanted to say my piece. i don't blame myself for everything that went wrong, however, i regret not letting him go when he wanted to go. now, i just wish he would come back. but why would he? he finally got away.

If you rolled your eyes at the title, I get you. I FEEL you. I was you.
I’ve put international travel, and the drinks that go along with it, on a pedestal my entire adult life. Just thinking of an aperol spritz on the Italian Coast, a lager in a Munich biergarten, or a gin & tonic sundowner over the African savannah makes me actually salivate.
I’m also 62 days sober. This stint at sobriety isn’t my first rodeo, but it is different. The jig was up. I asked for help in the form of detox and IOP. I shifted my mindset from “I’m not drinking right now” (always followed by “I bet I can moderate now”) to truly wanting to live a life free of alcohol. It is better that way, and I deserve that. Full stop.
With that I accepted there would be some brief pangs in exchange for much greater payoffs, and have attended weddings, work events, funerals… But holy shit, I was pissy AF about vacations.
I spent this past long weekend in Mexico City with my partner. We filled the days with amazing meals, art, espresso, long walks, architecture, late night ice cream, and so much quality time. And whatdya know, an ice-cold mango juice from a street vendor started to tickle my brain into a joyful, childlike state that a mezcal tasting just wouldn’t have.
We didn’t get into any drunken arguments. We didn’t get lost. We saw everything we wanted to. We kept our belongings. We didn’t put ourselves in any unnecessary danger. We were able to treat altitude sickness and a touch of Montezuma’s Revenge by resting and hydrating and then putting all our money saved on alcohol toward massages. Gosh darn it we had FUN.
I’ve flown millions of miles in my 36 years of life, and have never come close to the feeling of peace I had touching down at home last night. Content. Happy. Proud. More in love with my partner than ever.
To those of you that are future tripping this milestone: it can be amazing.
PS: It is uncanny how much altitude sickness resembles a bad hangover. Halfway through lunch our first afternoon, I was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. I’d have myself to thank for feeling that overheated, nauseous, and anxious (+ way worse) if I’d kicked off the trip with my usual 2 (but probably 6...) 7am lounge mimosas.

Starting Off With The PROS!
1 - PROOF! A lot of these self proclaimed "hackers" dont really have shit to show for, besides lousy ass screenshots that were stolen by the next bloke. This was a bit different though, they had original work (reverse image searched to prove it) & had PLENTY of it. Any proof published were from members of their group, as well as people who participate in their community. I even spoke to a few folks before making my decision - some good / some not so great replies but I'll give points for transparency. You can see their work in their group ( ill add in the social link)
2 - TIME! So speaking to a few different "hackers" the time it takes to complete something like a my eyes only pull, would usually take from a range of 30 minutes to a few HOURS depending on who i spoke with. In "naequalityy's case , they stated upwards to an hour - shortest being 25 min. which isnt too bad if you're in a rush to get one in "ifywim". So bare in mind - its not like how movies potray where you hit some buttons & get right in. Seeing them do it shows its not just running some software / plug - ins and hoping it turns up anything. So patience is a must before going though with it.
3 - PRICES! Last but definielty not least - Is How much does all this cost? So there's an entire menu , with different options & multiple things to choose from. We went with a MEO pull, sent them in our target - & since we had a vouch from a member - our order was discounted. There's plenty ways to get your price knocked down from promotions, knowing staff , being active in their community m & more. Just beware if they dont have any slots available for the time being. Pricing IS flexible however
Now , it wouldn't be fair if i didn't add what CONS they had.
1 - Response Times - If its your first time, you maybe drowned out or pushed back if you're not messaging them consistently you maybe left on delivered. We had to punch through a few times before finally getting a slot reserved. So be aware of that before going in.
2 - No Vouch , No Order - So being a random , barging in trying to get something done doesnt really pan out to well. its not exactly some open shop for anyone to throw money at. We had to message around but you can try your luck, we messaged them at a pretty good time so we got ours in. Not exactly a bad thing but if its busy ive heard they only work within their group.
3 - Prices (Flip Side) - Can Be EXPENSIVE Depending on if you're not apart of their membership / group / community. Its not too bad if they offer deals on multiple but the average joe , might not be comfortable especially during their first time. Id recommend asking for any deals because risk DO matter!
So in conclusion, id rank their group a 7.3 / 10 > Not really open im guessing because of cat-fish, scammers , & content theifs they like to be reserved - but makes it a pain in the ass to order when you're ready to just go! Be aware of wait times / ordering times because they can change BUT they do AMAZING work - got my content in a swift even though we had to fight for our spot. neat little group not like arguing with the "hacker" that doesn't have much proof. So check out "naequalityy" on tele!

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
That will be a long and chaotic post, I'll try to organise it somehow but it's all complex.
My partner (39M) and I (female, turning 30 this Friday) have been together for 2.5 year and always been good communicators, but in the last few months things have been getting haywire and completely out of control, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
We both come from a cPTSD background (sexual and physical abuse, being raised by narcissistic mothers, homelessness), mine is sadly worse due to extra abuse suffered from partners and some workplaces, also doing some occasional sex work for food when homeless. Basically, thanks to capitalism (yay), I have never felt safe in my life, even after moving 3000km away from my abusive family - basically every morning I wake up wondering if I still have a job and whether I won't get evicted.
I went through some cPTSD therapy (EMDR as well) before meeting him and I thought I fixed myself, but the relationship unleashed new hell on me. I fully acknowledge I started the problems, as I've severely violated his boundaries several times and didn't see the pattern until we've had several horrendous arguments. Part of this was because my partner has been raised to always bottle things up and people please, so I never really know if he means something is not a problem or he just doesn't want to say it and it will blow out weeks or months later.
Anyway, we worked through the worst problems, when he got more knowledge about the extent of my trauma and some very toxic things I was made to believe where normal, he acknowledges that I don't perpetuate some patterns consciously. I signed up to therapy (despite it being a huge financial burden), I do all I can to control myself, be very nice to him, spend quality time together etc.
HOWEVER. I work in an extremely toxic environment where the goalposts are moving every single day, there's a fuckton of manipulation, what boss says is not what he means, workers are pitted against each other etc. The workplace is actively re-traumatising me daily, but I need to keep this job for several reasons. My partner knows it. And yet, he blames me for having meltdowns, and it always follows the same pattern. Just to give you an example, from today:

• I've been verbally abused for 6h straight by 15 people at work, so when my partner told me in a rather disappointed tone "Well, you HAVE TO keep on attending therapy", I felt like he's attacking me for not doing enough.
• I got triggered but recognised I'm spiralling out into a full-blown panic attack, so I went downstairs and told him "Look, I know you wanted to encourage me that therapy is the right thing, but the way you worded it triggered me, because it felt like (description here of how my mother would use semantics to trick me into fake feeling of safety and then abuse me". I've been getting extremely triggered (and still having another few hours of getting berated at work) so I started actually screaming my explanation at him without realising it, BUT without any blaming, names etc.
• He got all triggered and said I berate him and accuse him of being like my narcissistic mother, that all is always his fault etc. and then went into his trauma response. His trauma response is completely shutting down and getting mad, and any attempts of explaining the situation are "excuses, lies, attacks" etc.
• Seeing where it's going and not wanting another week-long argument right before a lovely b-day weekend we had planned, I tried to get through to him, reassure him that nobody is blaming him, that I specifically said I'm triggered to let him know I have a trauma reaction, that I try to provide data so that he understands why I got so triggered by a sentence he meant as reassurance. I apologised for screaming, explained I didn't realise I was yelling, tried to get through to him. But he just started bringing back up all the problems we've already worked through, said I always CHOOSE to abuse him, that I always punish him for being too good to me, that clearly the therapy is not working because I can't control myself (I've just started, after 30 years of difficult life with no help!), that nothing ever is my fault, that trauma is not an excuse. I tried to point out to him that he's having a trauma response as well and that why I always try to use safe words, non-accusation wording, provide him with more data etc. I pointed out to him that I like to know about his triggers to avoid setting them off, and that's why I try to explain my triggers to him too, even though the yelling was clearly wrong. And he just took it as more personal attack and started yelling how I choose to attack him whenever things go right, how I'm a liar, manipulator, abuser, I chose to have a meltdown, he doesn't need therapy because it's just me ruining everything etc. and stormed out, swearing, saying how I'm ruining his life. He also got mad at my therapist because they "provide me with more excuses" because they said I'm in fact being so re-traumatised at work I have stress levels as if I was at war.

I don't know how to get to him. I try my very best to address 30 years of severe abuse, but right now the dynamic is shifting towards "Every single thing in our relationship is your fault, I don't have any trauma responses" and I really don't like that dynamic. But when I try to bring that up, he gets even madder. He also doesn't cool down when left alone, just spirals out more and more.
He's ADHD (diagnosed), I'm autistic + cPTSD + chronic pain (also diagnosed).
Again, apologies for this massive rant, I just feel so confused and alone. It's like he's becoming a completely different person than the one I've loved, and I feel like I'm no longer allowed to have any negative emotions / reactions because suddenly it's all "abuse".

I am currently NC with my pwBPD and I can’t stop thinking about some of the things that happened when we were together.
First thing was that I was always ill around him, he wouldn’t let me in the kitchen when he cooked he would actually yell at me to get out. While eating his food I would start to feel ill and I would vomit within 10 minutes. I can’t prove it but I think he was tampering with my food, I haven’t had that reaction while eating before or since.
Another time I believe that him and his friend drugged me with either Rohypnol or GHB. We were in his apartment with his friend and his friend’s gf. The friend gave me some food and drinks, within 15 minutes I came over unwell. It felt like my head was in the washer, I couldn’t tell up from down and I fell over and hit my head on the ground. When I woke up, I was paralysed and could only move my eyes. My skirt was up above my waist and I was in 90 degree different angle to when I fell. I can’t even bear to think what happened. I was out for 5 minutes according to my ex and his friend’s girlfriend thought I was dead and called 911. They were all acting shady when the EMT’s arrived and the EMT actually yelled at my ex and said why aren’t you more concerned your girlfriend could be seriously unwell (my ex was laughing watching the tv as I lay on the floor). It was absolutely awful.
It pains me that I will never know for sure if I was drugged that night and if the food was tampered with for the duration of the relationship. Has anyone else experienced this? What are your thoughts on this situation?

So one night I go to bed right? Then all the sudden start vibrating like crazy and fall out of my body and through one eye I can see my room and thru the other I see this like vortex tunnel eventually both my eyes saw the tunnel and I’ve tried years ago with no avail and this will sound stupid but I’m a big anime guy and I always wanted some powers so the first thing I did was make a rasengan mid tunnel and I did and then I was back paralyzed for a bit but I just closed my eyes and slept for a bit then was fine. Sorry for no punctuation and yapping I’m trying to go to sleep real quick but I did it a couple nights ago on purpose and “left” my body and was flying around with my eyes closed but as soon as i opened them I was back in my body how do I actually get to the realm from that point?

Hey everyone, I think I managed to get myself into a pretty complicated situation. I’m honestly pretty lost and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Here’s some backstory: In September 2022 I moved 300km away from my family because I enrolled in university. The problem was that I only started this whole thing because my (ex) best friend (24F) wanted to move and study there. At that time we’ve been friends for like 15 years and I had no friends besides her. So I was really afraid of her leaving me and decided to join. I was really scared to move so far away (6h drive by train, i don’t have a car) from my family but ultimately did it.
That was of course a pretty dumb decision. I ended up being really unhappy there and was doing a lot of drugs and other unhealthy stuff. Me and my friend are not even friends anymore. I was always regretting that decision and I also chose a random degree because I didn’t know any better.
So last year in July I tried Online dating and met a guy who’s really nice and we met a few times. But then I had to leave in August for a semester abroad and I was gone for about 4 months. We had been texting for that time. After I came back in December, I visited him again in January and it was (again) really nice.
Afterwards I travelled back to my family (because I tried to be with my family whenever I could) and suddenly an extreme existential crisis hit me. I’m not joking, I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore. I was extremely overwhelmed with my whole situation and especially that constant travelling between university and my family. I started to question everything. I was shaking constantly. I felt extremely anxious and stressed. And so ultimately I decided to move back to my family to start a vocational training instead of university.
But two weeks ago the guy I’ve been seeing invited me to go to a music festival with him and some friends. I went and stayed with him for a week. I really enjoyed the time with him and he did too and there was definitely a strong connection. So today I asked him if we want to make things official and he said he would love to, but he just can’t handle a long distance relationship. Especially he would stay at university for at least another five years and I would be done with vocational trading in three years. We were both really sad and had to cry a lot. I decided to leave because I really needed some time to process everything. Before I left he said he is going to miss me a lot and that we both need to think about things.
I’m honestly in so much pain right now because I really want to be with him and I’m regretting everything I’ve done. If I would’ve stayed in that city I could be in a relationship with him right now. Now I’m seriously considering moving back there. I could continue my vocational training there. But after all I’m not sure if that’s a good decision. But to be honest I also wasn’t happy with moving back to my family anyways. It felt like a huge step back and I wasn’t sure if that was the right decision. Something tells me this wouldn’t be a smart decision at all but I’m honestly not sure anymore what a smart decision even is. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong.
What would you do in that situation? I’d really appreciate some advice.
Ps: I might add some info later in case I forgot something.