Just out of The Strangers: Chapter 1, and I either need validation/vindication, or to be convinced that I'm wrong (and I'm open to that, by all means).

I'd avoided delving too deep into any backstory of this film. Initially I'd thought this was going to be a prequel-series of films, given how Prey at Night ended (two killers dead, one almost certainly dead). So I went in with my back up, as you always should with a horror prequel, or indeed series - what's the actual risk to the villains if they'll allegedly appear in the future (be that the in-universe future, or a future film)?
Within the first few minutes, our lead lady is using a smartphone/Google Maps, and shortly thereafter an AirBNB is mentioned. So we're in present-day, and it's not a prequel - that's fine.
Once we meet The Strangers, The Man in the Mask showed no burns or signs of injury from the previous film, and is wearing significantly different clothing than he usually would. Pin Up Girl and Dollface were hella dead by the end of that film. With all of this said, I'm to believe we have a new trio of killers donning the masks, right? Great.
And yet, it all felt wasted. Nothing new, nothing interesting happened.
Our lead characters were not especially likeable. The dialogue in the car was pretty forced and expository, and they just felt very generic. They looked great and I've no problem with the actors, but feel they weren't given much to do.
In fact, nobody is very likeable in this film. The okayest-character was the girl in the diner who gave them a lift to the house, and even that was probably part of the killers' setup.
Everyone in town... was just downright awful, for no apparent reason. Sneering because the central couple come from the city. Literally making multiple "Huh, she's a VEGETARIAN?" jokes - seriously, was this film written in 2002 and mildly modernized, or something? What the hell are we doing here?!
Our lead characters were also just not smart. Examples:

• Maya is alone in the house. A stranger has come knocking (twice), refusing to elaborate on their intentions. She smokes a joint and takes a shower to relax, while still alone. The power is cut, she meets an unknown individual in the hallway, and runs upstairs to hide in a closet. Then, because she smoked the joint, Ryan convinces her she may have imagined it. She also leaves her phone down (I honestly don't remember what became of it after she asks "Where the fuck is mine?").
• Ryan shoots the goddamn owner of the house, not caring that he wasn't wearing a mask - pointless callback to the first film where the lead man accidentally shoots his friend, btw - and then doesn't shoot Pin-Up girl in the forest when he has her at point-blank range. Why do people never shoot people in the feet/knees? They (probably) won't die, and they'll know you're not fucking around. But no, plenty of time for a dude to come knock you out with the butt of an axe.
• The truck-ramming scene was incredibly forced, and annoyingly danced around dad-truck-murder scene in Prey at Night. Both characters sucked here (he checked the front and back seats, but not the very back of the jeep - I was surprised they didn't have one of the killers climb over the seats).

As I watched, I thought "Okay, chill - it's not as if they know they're in a horror movie. People get jittery and make mistakes when under duress". But I think nowadays, horror movies in general have just surpassed this kinda stuff. They don't - shouldn't - get a free pass for characters being outright stupid, just to make plot happen. Especially when they're the ONLY characters we're following for the whole film. If you wanna introduce a dopey hyuck friend for some death fodder, go right ahead. But it's asking a bit too much nowadays to root for a character who makes stupid choices for just no good reason.
I'm no expert, but I do love my horror movies, and after the direction Prey at Night took, I just expected... more. This was very much a paint-by-numbers horror movie, and it really did come off as a weak copy of the first film. The fact that Maya survives was.. something different. But now it means we'll be following her through the next film. I find this more worrying than interesting, because it may mean there's going to be some contrived revenge plot, when really I want to see more of the killers, and I want to see them get killed.
There are just few things more frustrating than a film series providing more questions and no answers, all in the name of cranking out more of them. All we know - all we can suppose - is that there are three new people wearing these masks. That's all. And for the third film in a franchise - whether it's starting its own story arc or not - that's not good enough for me.

If Pirus and Crips loved sucking dong
They'd probably dick me down by the end of this song
Seem like the whole city cum inside me
Every time I'm in the street I suck Cock cock cock cock
pants down, where you cum niga?
fuck who you blow, where you cum my niga?
is your grandpa gay, huh my niga?
in mens asses i cum my niga
Brace your ass and turn it in to my penis’s lane
This song is a rap on how I'm slingin dick and anal pain
Now come lick-my-sack and show me why i have pussy disdain
I thought of pussy, and that stress will make me give you good brain
It was me, L Boog, and Yan Yan, YG Lucky riding my glans
I got horny, waving my dick out the window, suck yo self
Uh, Warriors and Conans
Hope i get a chance to slow dance with a handsome man
Whose ass will be the first one to get fucked
Seen a light-skinned nigga with his back blown out
At the same burger stand where ian hang out
Now this is not a tape recording saying that i fucked him
But ever since that day, I was lookin' at his penis
That was back when I was nine
Joey’s packing nine (inches)
Naked men on every porch is fine
We adapt to crime, pack my ass with four dicks at a time
Fuck it till I’m sore, fuck is up?
Fuck you cumming for if you ain't in my guts you fuckin' punk?
Grab my dick and fuckin' pump
Suckin’ off you suckers, suck a dick or die or sucker punch
A wall of semen comin' from
Hey gays, gay balls, Aye y'all. suck
That's what momma said when we was all fuckin our butts
Aw man, God damn, his ass came loose
You fucked my cousin back in '94, fuck me too
Yo dick is covered in poop
Ill lick it off on the news
At the Equinox, just peepin pee-pees, hard ones i approve
bodies on top of bodies
Asses on top of asses
Obviously lots of men in between my sheets like the Isleys
When you hop on my penis
Make sure my cock is erect
Make sure you're cumming, or they'll be calling your mother a man
They say the governor collect, all of our semen except
When we in traffic and road head happens, busting is a threat
You movin' backwards if you suggest that you sleep with a chick
Go buy some poppers and have your boyfriend on speed dial, I guess
G.l.a.a.d city
pants down, where you cum niga?
fuck who you blow, where you cum my niga?
is your grandpa gay, huh my niga?
in mens asses i cum my niga?
If Pirus and Crips loved sucking dong
They'd probably dick me down by the end of this song
Seem like the whole city cum inside me
Every time I'm in the street I suck Cock cock cock

Kadillac Kirk had been a good friend of mine for several years. I had met him through friends from The Spring Stage; and he never had anything to do with The Imp, which is why he didn’t appear in the Married Mary saga. Mary would have totally thrown herself at him, and Kirk would have definitely “thrown it in her.” He loved the ladies and often remarked that there was no such thing as an unappealing woman, nor was there anything sweeter than finding the pearl of passion in an outwardly plain dame. Fortunately for Kirk, he never met Mary. This was probably fortunate for Mary as well, seeing as Kirk was a confirmed bachelor and his rakish nature might have broken her fat heart.
Kirk was an older guy. Not MOE old, though. He was in his early forties, but he easily passed for a carefree dude in his 30s... not that he lied about his age. I only mention this trait to juxtapose Kirk’s genuine youthful air with Moe’s unconvincing youthful farce. Kirk dressed normally, avoided stupid jargon, and never busted out gimmicks like tarot cards or spells. He just existed, behaved affably, and people liked him for it.
He drove a classic 1962 Cadillac El Dorado convertible with red leather interior, and he lived in a charmingly quaint (and ridiculously expensive) neighborhood. How he made his fortune remained a mystery, but he never bloviated about his wealth. He just threw spectacular parties and people showed up. And, to my knowledge, he never tried to lure women into bed with his money (although I’m sure he got his fair share of boom-boom thanks to his digs and his wheels, even if the gold-diggers denied their monetary agendas).
Kirk was legitimately handsome. He was a drummer, he had a full head of black hair, he was clean-shaven, he worked out, and he knew all the hidden gems in Wellsprings. So why hadn’t I tried... or even desired to date him? I don’t know. I just didn’t feel drawn to him like that. He felt like a cool uncle and he had, thus far, never done anything to change my perception. Plus, the age difference weirded me out a little. Kirk didn’t look forty; but knowing that he had so much more life experience than I did created a power imbalance that would have creeped me out if we’d been dating. As buddies, I just felt supremely cool riding in his Cadillac, smoking Fantasia cigarettes, and hitting the speakeasies and jazz clubs I would have never known about if it weren’t for Kirk’s connections.
And he had been a good person to talk to about my romantic woes. He never lecherously suggested that I should date him, and he gave the type of tempered advice that only comes with lived experience. But he often lightly mocked me for my crush on Dennis and he did a hilarious impression of Smegal popping too soon over his “precious.” So when Mary “got me back” by doing whatever she did with to Dennis, I called Kadillac Kirk and told him the drinks were on me if he’d be my designated driver for the night.
Why hadn’t I called Whisky??? Well, A) Kirk was way more fun to hang out with, at least from my past experiences up to that point. And B) I needed to bitch about a boy, something I couldn’t do in good conscience in front of a guy I was dating. So I put on the sexiest plunging halter dress I owned, applied heavy eye makeup and spikey accessories, braved a pair of stilettos, and sashayed out to Kirk’s convertible. I felt like a badass rock star. I probably looked like a try-hard hooker.
Kirk: Daaaaay-um! Somebody really did do a number on you, huh? I know you said you were upset, but the gents are gonna be writing thank you notes to that fat girl and that butt-fucking hobbit.
Me: I just need to feel pretty and numb. And I trust you to keep me from making a fool of myself.
Kirk squeezed my shoulder. “I’ve got you. You do whatever you need to do to get rid of these demons.”
He sparked up a J and offered me the first puff. I gladly accepted. He took one puff of his own, but said that the rest was mine since he didn’t want to drive stoned. See? He was responsible! Weed wasn’t legal in California yet, so I got a little bit baked before I stashed the sativa in the glove box and wrapped a scarf around my hair like a starlet from the Golden Age of Hollywood. Kirk sped out of the parking lot and said he was taking me to a downtown hotel that was hosting a party that night in their lush lobby.
Kadillac Kirk pulled up to the main entrance, paid the valet, and then opened my door. I was wobbly from the weed. And I had stupidly decided to wear heels. You can get high or you can wear high (heels). You can’t have both. Not if you’ve repeatedly injured both ankles (as I have). I had to take Kirk’s arm to keep from keeling over. “Can people tell I’m stoned?” I whispered. Kirk replied, “Nobody’s paying any attention to anyone else’s intoxication. I promise you that much.” I nodded, steadied myself, and strutted alongside my very cool friend, feeling a little more confident.
A live jazz orchestra was playing Cole Porter as we entered the lobby. Everything sparkled. The music was even more intoxicating than the spliff had been. “Just One of Those Things” brought tears to my eyes since the lyrics hit every raw nerve regarding the Dennis debacle. But I smiled. It might sound mental, but being distraught over a trash fire of a one-sided romance was exhilarating. Immature, for sure. But also exhilarating. You see, that kind of sadness doesn’t hurt. Not really. It stings. It leaves little bruises, but it’s very safe to wallow in because you haven’t actually lost anything. Melancholia over that which you never had is as sweet as it is bitter; and that type of twisted splendor is rivaled only by Stendhal.
“Here's hoping we meet now and then. It was great fun, but it was just one of those things.” I sang along with the band, and a fat tear rolled down past my melancholic smile and onto my chin. Kirk brushed it aside. “Too close to home?” I wiped away the remnants of the tear’s journey from eye to chin and smiled a more genuine smile. “The perfect distance from home. Shall we get drinks? Remember, I’m buying.”
Kirk: No, no. This is your time to heal. And I’m here as your pal, not your chauffeur. What would the lady like?”
I pretended to barf. Kirk knew I hated it when he got overly formal and overly attentive. So he did it just to mess with me. “Shot of vodka,” I replied.
Kirk: How many?
I thought briefly. “FIVE.”
Kirk: Five to one, baby. One in five...
Me: No one here gets out alive.
Kirk: Are you able to hold yourself upright, or should you come with?
I took a seat on an ornate, damask-upholstered chaise lounge. “I’ll be okay. And I was kidding about the five shots.”
I sat there lost in the music for a while. I thought very little about Dennis. Even less about Mary. And not at all about Whisky (whom I had shagged less than a week ago). My mind danced through the ornate lighting in the hotel lobby, and I suddenly felt the need to join the hoity-toity guests on the dancefloor!
Kirk returned with four shots of vodka. Two for him, two for me. That was quite reasonable of him. He knew damn well that I couldn’t handle five shots, but he also knew that I was in a... state. One that called for more than a single shot. I raised a both miniature glasses to “No more ninnyhammers or hairy-footed lovers.” Kirk did his hilarious Smegal impression, we double-toasted, and downed the shots. The band launched into “Let’s Misbehave,” and I kicked off my stilettos and made a beeline for the dance floor.
“There’s something wild about you child that’s so contagious. Let’s be outrageous! Let’s misbehave.” Kadillac Kirk swept me up, twirled me around, and dipped me as we both sang along with the lyrics. I wasn’t swooning for him, but I was enthralled by the moment. The music, the dancing, the combination of booze and bud... so I kissed him as he pulled me back to my feet. And he kissed back. In a way that Dennis never had. In a way that Whisky’s beard wouldn’t permit. I didn’t feel the visceral sensations that I’d felt when Dennis had kissed me, but it felt nice to feel desired. And then I noticed that other guests were watching us and applauding. Now, that was a dopamine rush if ever there was one!
I gently broke away from the embrace, high-fived Kirk and returned to the chaise lounge to put my stupid shoes back on. He followed me and smashed his face back onto mine. I pulled away and laughed. “It was a moment,” I told him. “I appreciate the dance, and that kiss was the perfect finale. But it’s not happening again.”
Kirk: Not to worry, Valerie. I know you. I knew all along that we were performing, and I was more than happy to be your scene partner.
Me: And dance partner! Those were some excellent moves! I didn’t know you had ballroom training.
Kirk: You name it, I’ve mastered it. Another drink for the lady?
I pretended to barf again. “Not yet. I’m not sad right now. Do you mind if I just sit here and enjoy the music?”
Kirk: Ah. My kisses do have healing properties...
I flipped my hand up at him. “Knock that shit off, bro. I wanted to hang out with you because I trust you not to get weird. Even if I get weird, I know you have the maturity to balance me out.”
Kirk: Are you calling me old???
Me: No. I’m calling you rational, responsible, and respectful.
Kirk: Well, now. If you can articulate an alliterative statement that fluently, then you clearly aren’t drunk enough!
I dismissed this comment as a joke. And he did indeed knock off the flirtation. We had a perfectly pleasant time chatting and dancing (no more kissing, though). And then I noticed a girl I knew from Into the Woods entering the lobby. She’d played Florinda and I’d played Little Red. I called her name and waved enthusiastically. She waved back. And then her date entered. It was D.E.N.N.I.S. I sank into the chaise. Kirk caught on immediately. “The hobbit???” he asked. I nodded silently. “You wanna make out again?” he enthused. I shook my head. I had to go say hello to Flo. And I had an idea...
I crossed the lobby, smiled, squealed, and hugged her.
Florinda: Lil’ Red! It’s been forever! So glad to see you!!! This is my friend, Denny.
From the corner of my eye. I could see Dennis shifting uncomfortably. I refused to look directly at him, neglected to acknowledge Flo's introduction and continued to converse only with her. "So glad to see you, too! What have you been up to since we left the woods?"
Dennis: C’mon, Val...
Florinda (appearing oblivious to the iciness between me and Dennis): Oh, I had some drama after the show closed. I'll have to tell you about it some other time... Have you seen Prince Big Bad (Scumbanger) lately?
I laughed. “Last time I saw him, he was hitting on some nasty fat chick at The Imp.”
Flo and I both scoffed at the pervy pest. Into the Woods was where I’d initially met Scumbanger. He played The Wolf/Cinderella’s Prince. Again... typecasting. There’s a whole essay in my brain about my first encounter with the pest, during which he quoted the song that he sang to me in the show, “Hello, Little Girl.” But it gets into some pretty uncomfortable territory because he made me feel... excited. Well, excited and scared. Nothing of note happened during Into the Woods, but our odd interactions did kind of set the stage for some extremely regrettable events during that Cats cast party.
I excused myself, saying that I needed to get back to my friend. And then I leaned in and said in a hushed voice to Flo, “Watch your ass with that one. If he’s the Denny I’m thinking of...” I gave her a look that only another female would be able to read. Her eyebrows shot up and she nodded. Dennis continued to shift as though he were trying to hold in a massive dump. “BABE! Uh...”
Flo apparently answered to that moniker as well. “What is it, Denny? Don’t worry. That was just telepathic girl talk. You apparently have a reputation...”
Dennis: Different Denny. I assure you I’m a pious gentleman.
Me: Ah. My mistake. Well, then. You guys have a good time! They’re playing Cole Porter, and the band is delovely. Great to see you, Flo!
I hugged Flo again, gave Dennis a curt nod, ignored the scent of mandarins and mountain air, and returned to Kirk.
I collapsed on the chaise lounge, exhausted from holding back the rage. I had no right to be mad at Florinda. I hadn’t seen her in three years, so how was she supposed to know that I’d had a thing with Dennis? Hell, I couldn’t even be mad at Dennis because the last time he and I had spoken in any meaningful way, I’d told him that I was no longer entertaining my crush on him. So why was I surprised to see him dating??? And why had he never taken ME out on a date like this??? And why wasn’t I smitten with Kadillac Kirk who HAD taken me out on a date like this, was an objectively excellent kisser, and a bona fide BALLER? What was wrong with me???
Kirk suggested going down the street to a quaint little bar and then sobering up at a diner closer to my apartment. I numbly nodded and followed him in silence for a few blocks. He assured me that I had “turned several heads” on the way to the new location, but I neither cared nor believed him. This wasn't the type of numbness I'd been aiming for. Now I needed to get schnockered. “Five shots of vodka, please.” Yes, I was serious.
Kadillac Kirk, my reliable designated driver, ordered only a beer and watched in something across between astonishment, concern, and delight as I slammed all five shots in rapid succession. I half expected to immediately retch all over the bar. But I felt fine. I half expected to immediately lose consciousness and wake up in the hospital. But I remained coherent. How I’d managed to take in that much hard liquor and suffer no direct consequences, I’ll never know.
I think I wanted to suffer. I wanted to either feel nothing at all or to feel a sickness bad enough to distract me from the scorching sting that pulsed through my being when I realized that I had lost the abstract notion I’d been addicted to this entire time. Hope. It wasn’t Dennis himself I couldn’t quit. It was that drug called hope. The hope that maybe, just maybe Dennis would give our romance a fair chance. The hope that maybe, just maybe he would make peace with himself, get his mind out of his crotch, and enjoy some agenda-free togetherness. The hope that maybe, just maybe he would stop bloviating about his admittedly impressive accomplishments for five fucking minutes and ask about my life. I had my own reasonably impressive accomplishments, even if they paled in comparison to his. A proper suitor would have enjoyed hearing about them.
But seeing him out with another woman, a woman who had no reason to parade her Dennis escapades before me as some means of revenge, a woman he was clearly courting of his own volition... My hope had died. It died before I’d had time to wean myself off it. Now I had to mourn the loss of hope, which is a very tricky brand of grief to navigate. Vodka wasn’t the answer, but it was what I had to work with. So it would have to do.
After enough time had passed without vomiting or collapsing, I asked Kirk to bring his car around to the bar so that I didn’t have to walk two and a half blocks drunk and in heels. He nodded and dramatically leaned in for a kiss. I recoiled. “DUDE! I told you. The moment has passed.”
Kirk: I beg your pardon. I misread your eyes. Thought I saw a green light...
Me: It’s fine. I just want to go home while I’m still feeling okay.
Kirk: Of course. Your chariot will be here soon.
He skipped off to fetch his Cadillac and I noticed that the lights in the bar were beginning to dance a bit. This should have been concerning. But then I realized that I was giggling. Wait... What? Oh shit. Sure, I was drunk from those shots. But what I was feeling in that moment wasn’t drunkery. It was stonery. Kirk probably misread my face because my pupils were dilated. Not from desire, but from drug use.
Some of you might be thinking that I was a bad friend for not introducing Lucy, an old dude connoisseur, to Kirk. Well... I did. Several years before the events of this story. He adored her. She, on the other hand, thought he was immature. And she wasn’t wrong. Lucy was astute when it came to sussing out a person’s true nature. Far more astute than I. Her initial assessment that Kirk was immature is about to be vindicated. Stretch those cringe muscles! It’s almost time for pie...
I somehow managed to get to his car. I honestly don’t recall how I got there. Did one of the bartenders carry me? Did some kind patron allow me to lean on him? Had Kadillac Kirk carried me out? I’m not sure. But my memory ceases to be fuzzy about halfway to the 24-hour diner. It might have been the very same 24-hour diner where Mary pulled her... shenanigans. I’ll never know.
Kirk: Would you say that you’re more drunk or more stoned?
Me: STONED. Definitely stoned.
Kirk made some sort of grunty noise and reached for my thigh. I slapped his hand.
Kirk: Stoned but not amorous? That’s rare.
I started laughing rather unkindly. “You’re a fucking horndog! I thought you were my safe straight male friend, dammit.”
Kirk: I solemnly swear that your safety is my primary concern, my stoned beauty.
I pretended to throw up.
Kirk: So... You’re not horny. But are you hungry? The diner I’m heading to makes this Maple Walnut Pie with the most sumptuous... sensual cream and exquisite drizzling of...
Me: Ew! Stop trying to bang the pie. Bro. Are YOU stoned? (Then I remembered the question.) Yes, I’m hungry. But I don’t like nuts. I’ll have banana cream.
Kirk made that repulsive grunty noise again. “Uhhhhh... Mmmmmm. Cream. Yessssss. Yes, we’ll be there in just a minute.” He was squirming in the driver's seat.
Me: GROSS, DUDE! If you’re gonna be like that I’ll just order HASH brows. Get it? Hash??? (I giggled.) You can’t make that sound nasty.
Kirk: Forgive my jokes. I think my blood sugar’s a bit low.
As Kirk parked, I began to wonder how I might get away with walking shoeless into the diner. The stilettos had to get off my feet. At least while I was walking. And Kirk was kind enough to give me his socks and wear his loafers “island style” into the establishment. Okay, that was gallant of him. Maybe he was going to behave himself for the rest of the evening.
I wasn’t terribly talkative as we sat down, and he expressed a bit of concern for my emotional well-being. I wasn’t coherent enough to explain what was happening to my emotions and I wasn’t sure I trusted him with my deep, dark secrets at that point. So I shrugged like a sulky teenager, ran my hands over my messy, windblown hair, and mumbled that I was “just hungry.” And right on cue, a very kind, slightly older waitress with a sweet southern accent stopped by to take our order.
Kirk: Ah, yes. We’ll have two cups of black coffee. And we’ll share a slice of that delectable Maple Walnut Pie.
Waitress: Oh, honey. That pie is scrumptious! I take it you’ve been here before?
Kirk: I have. This will be her first time to taste the splendor.
I hated to be a killjoy, but I interrupted and said to the waitress, “Ma’am? I’m sure the Maple Walnut is excellent, but could I please get a slice of Banana Cream? And a big glass of ice water?
Waitress: Sure, hon! Banana Cream’s just as yummy! I’ll be right back with those coffees and that big water.
Kirk was sucking on the tip of his forefinger and shaking his head a bit. “You’re passing up so many sensational... sensual...”
I put my forehead on the table and growled. “You swore you’d stop being nasty!” I held this #headdesk pose for quite some time before I finally lifted my head... only to see that Kirk was still sucking his fingertip and staring at me like a wild animal. “Pleeeeeease be normal,” I whined. “It’s been a really weird night for me.”
Kirk: Indeed. Many surprises. You know... You’re like titanium. Your flame burns so fast and so bright, if a guy doesn’t get in there while the iron is hot, he’ll never get another chance. I was too slow.
What the...? I was pretty sure he was wrong about titanium burning quickly. I’m no chemistry wiz, but my dad and my oldest brother are both big-brains when it comes to physics and chemistry. So I picked up some things just listening to them talk. Accurate or inaccurate, Kirk was being creepy again. He’d never been creepy towards me before, although I’d seen him act like this with other women. Usually with staggering success. Why????? His money. It had to be his money. Kirk was a nice-looking man, but holy shit... No amount of good looks could save this creep show
And then, our sweet waitress sat down our coffees, my water, and the two slices of pie. After I gulped down a whole bunch of water, I grabbed a fork, prepared to quell my munchies... and then I froze. Kirk was quickly flicking his finger back and forth across the top of his pie. And moaning. He noticed my wide-eyed stare, smirked, sucked the tip of his thumb, picked up the plate with both hands, and began flicking his tongue across the tip of the triangular pie slice. And moaning some more. Well, there went my appetite.
Kirk took his middle finger and jabbed it into the crustless vertex of the pie slice, then he began pumping it in and out like a piston, and flicking his thumb across the increasingly demolished top layer of whipped cream. He gasped this time. People were starting to stare. His pointer finger joined his middle finger in the piston action, and he replaced his thumb with his tongue. Between flicks of the tongue, he groaned, “Oh yeah, baby... Let me taste you,” but it was kind of hard to understand him.
And I was either about to run to the back office, tell them that I was in danger and needed a police escort home... OR I was about to burst out laughing at the spectacle. Kirk continued... He removed his fingers and gregariously licked pie filling off of them. "Ohhhhh," he groaned, "I got you soooo sticky. So sweet. So moist." And then he started sucking his fingertips again, switching from middle to pointer, middle to pointer and emitting a delighted little, “Mmmmmm” with every suck.
Finally, he jabbed his fingers back into the utterly destroyed pie, lowered his face into the mess and lapped loudly and passionately, moaning, grunting, and mumbling “Come on, baby. Come on. Mmmmmm. Come on.” I could see the waitress and some dude in a suit heading over to the table, so I sank down in my seat, partially covered my face, but continued to watch the train wreck. At last, Kirk shuddered violently as he splatted his entire hand onto the plate and rubbed furiously. And then he locked eyes with me. He sucked the tip of his thumb one final time and said, “You...” There was a long pause during which Kirk lovingly stroked the mess he’d made. “You... are the pie.”
I don’t hang out with Kadillac Kirk anymore. But he’s still a bachelor, ladies!

There have been a lot of iCarly specials. Some of them have been good, but others have been horrible. Here's my ranking of each special.

1. iGo to Japan 88/100

Although the rival web competitors were annoying, it was a very fun special.

1. iDate a Bad Boy (part 1: 90/100; part 2: 65/100)

These really were put together as an hour episode but since the subplots were way different than the other, it could've just been a continuation episode and not air on one night if that makes sense. Spencer was a great brother in the first part. He was kind of dumb with the "shampow thing" and making Griffin seem all babyish was annoying to watch so altogether 77.5/100

1. iFight Shelby Marx 80/100

Nevel was a pain in the butt the whole episode which made Shelby Marx be ignorant and get mad at Carly and Spencer's allergy thing was fun but kind of annoying to me. Overall, episode was fine but had problems.

1. iQuit iCarly 86/100

Flek and Dave were annoying but it was a solid episode.

1. iPsycho 90/100

Nora was weird but was supposed to be. It was a fun episode and the ending where Gibby rescues them is very satisfying.

1. iStart a Fan War 60/100

This, in my opinion, is the worst iCarly special. First off, the part where Sam causes everyone to fight because she said Carly and Freddie are in love was so stupid. And, even though I know people (including myself) like Jack Black, I got to admit that those fighting scenes with Spencer were kind of dumb. The funniest part in this whole special was when Gibby was ordering drive-thru food with his grandpa. So, the best episode was really a second subplot, which tells you the episode was bad.

1. iStill Psycho 92/100

Slightly better than the first episode with Nora, the ending was really satisfying with T-Bo and Marissa Benson rescuing Freddie and everyone else. Fun episode throughout.

1. iShock the World/America 88/100

This might surprise people, but this one is fun, even if Gibby's pants falling down was stupid. I enjoy Jimmy Fallon anyway so having the iCarly gang be a guest on Late Night was a good idea and it was fun to also see references to Seinfeld when they are at the diner. But besides the references, it was a fun episode.

1. iGoodbye 95/100

The best special in my opinion. After knowing that Carly's dad couldn't make it although he planned on it, Spencer was trying to take Carly to the Father-Daughter dance, but couldn't because he was sick. However, for some unknown reason, Carly's dad did make it. And even if people complain by saying that she was rushed to move to Italy, it had to end somehow. The clips at the end were nice and it was a nice send-off.

Hey guys, this one took a little time but I'm happy with the end result. Basically Matt has been following along with my story on here and loves it so far...and he asked if I'd write a chapter about how I lost my virginity. I've agreed to indulge him on this one, I hope you don't mind the slight deviation from our regularly scheduled Avery+Matt sexcapades. More of those will return in part 9.
As always, feel free to message me with feedback and critiques! Disclaimer, everyone is 18+ in this chapter. ♡Avery
So how did I lose my virginity? I was 18, in my senior year of highschool, about to go out and join the Army. I was still petite, with an athletic build and B cup breasts. I was always tan from playing on the soccer team and I wore my dark brown hair to about the middle of my back. It was prom night. Stereotypical I know. Bare with me, I think my story is still fun.
So I had been dating Kevin, an exchange student from South Korea for a few months, since he had asked me to be his homecoming date back in the fall. He was maybe 5'6, slim with short black hair and a fairly nerdy but cute overall style. He was a huge fan of League of Legends and I actually thought he was super cute.
So Kevin picked me up at home in a dashing black tux, with a peach bowtie and vest that matched my dress, which was floor length, flowing with a toga style cross of fabric, crisscrossing my chest with an open back. I wore my hair down, slightly curled as it hung down my back.
We had your average night of dancing and hanging out with our friends, taking lots of pictures and overall having a good time. Kevin was an absolute gentleman, except he let his hands wander down my butt as we slow danced at the end of the night. I thought it was so scandalous and loved that we were getting away with something in front of the chaperones.
Now this isn't to say Kevin and I were a totally chaste couple, we had had our fair share of steamy makeouts and we had even touched eachother before...and scandalously enough I had given him three blowjobs out on dates we'd had the past few weeks. We had talked about going further, but we both wanted our first time to be special. We had talked about maybe going all the way at prom, and I said I'd try if Kevin figured out a plan.
So back to prom night, the dance was at this fancy hotel. As the night was winding down, we were thinking of heading out to my friend Kelly's house for a house party her parents were letting her throw. But Kevin said he had other plans. He had booked us a room at the hotel the dance was at. So instead of heading out with our friends, he pulled out a room key and walked me upstairs. My parents were letting me spread my wings before leaving for the army, and quite frankly, Kevin's host family kinda just let him run wild if he wanted.
As Kevin opened our room, I was blown away. To 18 year old me, it was a stunning, top class room. Looking back, it was an average king bed room at a 3 star hotel, but to me it was perfect. As soon as we were inside, we started making out on the bed. As things heated up, Kevin slipped out of his tux and was in an undershirt and some cute blue plaid boxer briefs. I still hadn't done anything with my dress when Kevin asked if he could undo the top of my dress between kisses on my neck.
I reached back and undid the clasp he was struggling with and let the drapes of flowing peach fabric that were holding my b cup breasts fall away, exposing my braless look for a wide eyed Kevin who had never seen me totally topless except in dirty snapchats I'd sent him before.
I pushed my dress below my hips and to the floor, revealing a purple lace thong I'd worn to prevent any pantielines under my dress...and I thought it'd be cute if we got this far tonight. As my dress fell away, leaving me in just a thong, I suddenly felt slightly embarrassed, being this exposed to a guy for the first time. Kevin pulled his shirt off "so we could match" and I laughed, the awkwardness breaking away as we started to kiss again and he eased me back onto the bed, positing his body between my legs as we continued to make out.
I reached into Kevin's boxerbriefs and grasped him in my hand. He was a little small, maybe 5 inches but he was rock hard and it was a huge turn on to feel him that excited for me. He slipped his briefs off and reached into my thong as he continued to kiss me. His fingers awkwardly traced their way between my lips, sometimes brushing up against my clit and sending shivers down my spine as I nervously waited to see how this would go.
He sat back on his heels between my legs and he pulled off my thong and we were suddenly naked together for the first time. His dick looked so much bigger than the hair brush handle I would use alone in my room and he could tell I was nervous. He was nervous too, this was a big first for both of us. He slipped a finger slower inside me, my walls relaxing slightly as I got wetter in anticipation. He leaned down and kissed me passionately as he continued to work his finger in and out of me, and I rocked my hips in time with his movements.
This continued on until he pulled away again and asked if I wanted to go further. I nodded yes and asked him to take it super slow. I could feel the tip of his hard cock bumping around between my legs, trying to find my entrance. He slightly was embarrassed and asked if I could help him. I giggled and reached up to kiss him as I reached between our legs, grabbed his shaft and placed his head against my vagina. He gasped slightly as his head slipped in and I pressed against his hips to keep him from going in deeper.
I let out a slight squeal as he suddenly pushed inside me for the first time and I grabbed his hips, easing him all the way inside me as I stretched out to take him. It hurt slightly but nothing crazy. It was a dull ache between my legs as he slowly started to move in and out of me in an awkward rhythm.
He kissed me again and again as he picked up speed. I moaned into his mouth in a mix of ache and pleasure as I stretched out all the way to take him. After maybe 2 or 3 minutes he said he was close. I pulled him out of me and he quickly jerked himself off, splattering my pubic bone and stomach with ropes of cum. I thought it was kinda hot...a little like some of the porn I watched alone in my room some nights. We kissed a little more before moving to the shower to clean up...my first time taking a shower with a guy. We didn't do anything else sexual that night but spent an intimate night together, all because Kevin made the effort to go all out for me before he went back home to South Korea after graduation.
I hope you all enjoyed this story! We'll be back to more of Matt and I in part 9 I promise (: Thank you all for your feedback! I look forward to any critiques you want to message me with! ♡Avery

Hey guys sorry it's been a while since I posted. The storms hit pretty hard where were are so real life took priority to my erotic writing. But I'm back!
This chapter takes us to our brigade ball where I give Matt quite the show at the afterparty. It was super hot, Matt took control for a bit and I loved every minute...no I'm not a submissive, he isn't a dom, don't expect things to start to go that direction. This chapter just illustrates a bit of power play in our relationship. As always, I appreciate comments and messages with ways to improve and honest critiques! ♡Avery
So I was in my barracks room, taking hours to get ready for the brigade ball. This was our first big "thing" that had happened at work since Matt and I started secretly dating. I was kinda nervous. Even though I couldn't "be seen" with Matt as anything but a soldier in his platoon, I still wanted to be the girl who caught his eye.
So there I was, doing my hair up in a perfect, sleek bun, applying light makeup to accentuate my deep brown eyes and make my lips pop just a bit, straightening my ribbons and overall trying to look perfect militarily while leaving enough sexy for later. The ball was being held at this beautiful hotel on the beach, and Matt had booked us a room at another place down the oceanfront so that we could be seen leaving separately, but then link up after. I had put together an overnight bag and left it with Matt, and now I was anxious for the night to begin.
From the moment I entered the hotel, my eyes were on my man. He looked stunning. My prince charming in his dark blue service jacket, looking tall and handsome. I gave him a pleasant greeting and moved on as he winked at me, telling me to go find the seating chart. Low and behold, we were sitting by platoon, meaning all through dinner, I'd be sitting next to the hottest man in the room.
Dinner at a ball is super formal and scripted and the whole evening, Matt has his hand on my thigh, slightly up my knee length uniform skirt, separated from me by just my pantyhose. He is such a fucking tease. I try to keep it together, talking with all the people from our platoon at the table while Mr GI Sex God is trying to tease my pantyhose off. Not fair.
I take my revenge, after the formal portion of dinner is complete and they let us hit the dancefloor to let loose. I immediately grab up a guy I know and ask him to dance, and am soon dancing up on him all while looking straight at Matt, letting him know that this could be him. As the night wears on, I'm getting slightly horny and whisper to Matt that we should go. He cordially says goodnight to everyone in the platoon, and as he says goodbye to me, he casually slips a room key into my coat pocket. I give him maybe 15 or 20 minutes before I make my escape, letting down the guy I'd been dancing on all night.
As I head out, I see that on the envelope the key is in, Matt has written "CPL Avery, report to room 517, no uniform allowed"...I'm fucking turned on. This is the 1st time he as really showed his dominant side and its really hot. I report to room, knock and ask permission to enter. Matt yells "enter" and I'm greeted by the sight of my hunk sitting naked on the edge of the bed, a pink lace thong I packed in my overnight back wrapped around his rock hard cock as he's looking at some nudes I sent him the day before. Instantly wet. Like fuck. I'm horny.
He looks up and says "CPL Avery, weren't you told, no uniforms allowed?" I nod and ask him how was I supposed to get dressed properly if he was busy using my clothes in my overnight bag for his pleasure. Wrong answer. Right answer.
He stands up, my thong still wrapped around his shaft and tells me to get dressed as ordered. I immediately start to undo my jacket and slip it onto a hanger so that it doesn't get wrinkled, before slowly unzipping my skirt and doing the same. As I stand there in a button down white shirt, pantyhose with black lace cheeky cut panties underneath, he tells me to continue until I'm just wearing things that were not issued by the army. I slowly unbutton my white dress shirt, revealing a black lace pushup bra that nicely adds cleavage to my b cup breasts.
Matt orders me onto my knees and tells me to remove the pink lace thong from his cock without using my hands. I lean forward and lick the tip of his cock, making it twitch slightly as I take the thong on my teeth, and pulling it from his shaft. He is so turned on. Rock hard and I want this now. I quickly lick his shaft again from base to tip, before swallowing his cock in one breath that leaves my face against his freshly shaved groin. I bob my head up and down his shaft for a minute or two, stroking his base with one hand while the other grabs his butt to pull myself deeper down his shaft. I begin to taste his precum and know he must have really been playing with himself before hand.
He puts hand under my chin and takes my mouth away from his cock and tells me to turn around on the floor, onto my hands and knees. In one quick motion I feel him split my pantyhose along the crotch seam and push my black lace panties to the side, exposing my soaking wet vagina and tight little asshole, all freshly shaven for tonight. I feel him pressed against my entrance and he pushes in in one firm stroke, filling me up as I gasp in pleasure. He takes me by the hips as i press my face down into a pillow on the floor. Behind me, he begins to thrust, slowly and rhythmically at first, growing to a frantic bucking that leaves me feeling his balls slapping against my clit as he presses my face deeper into the bad. He reaches one hand to back press his thumb against my asshole. He doesn't push his way into that hole, but the pressure sensation is new and combined with his frantic fucking from behind is enough to drive me to the edge. He leans down and whispers in my ear "Cum for me CPL Avery" and my vagina obeys. I feel my inner walls clench around his cock as his fingers move to my clit and I continue to throw my hips back again and again until I hear him moan my name as he shoots a massive load of cum deep inside me.
He continues to thrust until every last drop is deep inside me and my vagina is leaking his cum, collecting in the black lace panties and out of the hole he tore in my pantyhose for easy access. I am overwhelmed by the entire experience and it's just incredible.
As we're laying in bed after cleaning up and making love gently in the shower, I tell him that if he ever wants to do more than just put pressure on my butthole, we could talk about it...possible chapter 8?(;
I hope you all enjoy this chapter. As always, feel free to message me with comments and critiques!!! ♡Avery

Hey guys, sorry it's been a few days! I'm finishing up clearing from the Army and moving in with Matt simultaneously so life has been hectic to say the least.
A little more background on us for those that are wondering, he and I have been dating for over a year now at this point, so we have a lot of material I could share. We have grown together sexually over our time together, so obviously the stories will get hotter as we go. I've thought about skipping ahead to a few things, but have decided to just keep going sequentially unless I get a totally negative response.
In this chapter, we find ourselves a few weeks into our relationship, and beginning to branch out in our love of fun in public-ish places. This time...the beach(; I hope you all enjoy! Avery♡
Matt and I had just wrapped up a busy week at work...I was kinda frustrated that he was commenting on how I'm so tired in the evenings and I'm kinda just like "well no shit sir, you had us out working on trucks all day". Not to be mean but when you're my platoon leader, you know why I'm too tired for sex every night. But I digress. He made up for it.
Saturday rolls around, and after letting me sleep in probably a little too late, Matt gently wakes me up with soft kisses and a little bit of tickles from his weekend scruff from where he dosen't have to shave on weekends (totally cute in my opinion). He wakes me up and asks me if I'd like to go relax at the beach. Duh. Its summer, I'm stressed, I have a muscular boyfriend and at a beach I've got an excuse to oogle him all I want. Yes I'm in, let me get dressed.
It dawns on me that hey, I've got no suit here (his house not my barracks room), so I throw on some jean shorts and a sports bra and decide I'm just gonna have to grab a suit at one of the shore shacks when we get there.
Matt drives us to the beach and I tease him the whole way there, lightly running my finger tips along his thigh to see if I can get a reaction. He tries to play it cool, but the bulge in his trunks gives him away. Yeah, I know you like this teasing Matt(;
We roll up to one of the surf shops and i decide to go for the summer's latest trends, "one piece revival". I go with a bright orange, reasonably modest suit that rides up fairly high in the leg opening, accentuating the V where my thighs come together, highlighting in bright orange my barely covered self, scoops low enough in the armpit to give a little tasteful sideboob without screaming "slut", and has just enough of a smaller cut in the butt to show off some cheek without being a thong. I think it's hot. Matt's stunned face and tightening trunks seem to agree.
We spend the entire afternoon alternating between lounging in the sun, playing in the water, boogie boarding, and all around just having fun in a completely nonsexual manner. With the exception of the fact that he looks like a fucking sex god that I just need (and can't believe I'm dating).
As the sun starts to set, a band starts to play on the boardwalk, with a crowd gathering around to watch. I get an idea to use the opportunity, while everyone is focused on the band to slip away into the waves with Matt to try to be a little more adventurous.
The music grows more up beat as the sun goes fully down and I'm dancing on Matt about knee deep in the water, splashing around as I grind my butt against him to the beat, and bend forward to shake my firm little butt at him, giving him quite the view of everything this suit barely covers.
As I back Matt into deeper water, and press my butt against his crotch, his hands are running all over my body, turning me on. He squeezes my B cup breasts sand pulls me back close to him. I turn back and my lips find his as his hands rove lower, teasing me through the front of my suit.
At this point I'm wetter than the ocean. Is making me and I want more. I take his hand and slide it into the thigh hole of my suit and guide him into my slit. He begins to tease my clit as I reach back and stroke his hardening cock as the tempo of the party on the beach grows into a greater frenzy.
With his fingers now teasing their way inside me, and my head leaned back against his chest moaning slightly, I ask him if he'd have the courage to just do me right here and now if I let him. He responds by pushing his two fingers all the way inside me up to the knuckle and I beg for him to give me more.
He spins me around and pulls me into his arms. I wrap my legs around him as he walks us to deeper water so that just our head and shoulders are out of the water. I feel him reaching between my legs to push my suit to the side and he lowers me slight until the tip of his cock is pressed against my entrance.
I feel myself start to relax against his pressure as he kisses me, and my vagina welcomes him tightly in as I lower myself down his shaft, allowing him to fill me completely. He takes one of my buttcheeks in each of his hands and spreads me wide as he begins to rock me up and down his shaft. My suit digs into my butt and soon my cheeky onepiece has collected itself so that its stretched taught, barely covering my butthole.
I bury my face in his neck, kissing him and hopefully leaving my mark as he picks up speed, bouncing me up and down his cock to the beat of the music in an ever more enthusiastic pace. Hi thumb reaches between my legs and begins to circle my clit as my orgasm builds and I begin to clamp down on the rock hard cock, buried deep inside me, and I beg him to cum for me.
With his muscular arms that I love so much, he lifts me nearly off his shaft and then forces me all the way down to bottoming out in one massive thrust as I feel him explode inside me. He keeps himself all the way inside me, pressed almost to my cervix as I feel spurt after spurt erupting in me as he kisses me, and to the casual onlooker, it appears that we're just two lovers making out in the waves.
Beneath the surface, I lift off of him and he helps me adjust my suit to some semblance of modesty. I feel him start to leak of of me and down the inside of my leg. I don't even care as we get back to our stuff, and head back to the car in the dark. Public sex? Another first checked off the list.
Thank you again for all the feedback recently! I promise I won't make you wait as long for an update this time(: I love all the interaction with readers so keep the critiques coming! ♡Avery

So in middle school me and some of my friends went to play DnD, but since it was middle school we did not know anything. Thankfully one of the player's sister played DnD before and was willing to give us a casual game. I have not played DnD since and this was a very casual game for essentially children some things are ignored and rule of cool was king. Also middle school romance, racism, holocaust and sexual content trigger warning
The cast is:
PB= problem player
Wizard= Cool guy who was proactive with PB
DM= Super cool
Dragonborn= PB's victim
Goblin= PB's girlfriend
There were more people but they are not important for the story since they avoided PB. Since this was in middle school and I am now in College so some things may be garbled and not in perfect memory. The first session started off like any other with the group of adventurers at a trading post, and Wizard being a mother player and getting supplies for the group. The rest of us went searching around for something and found a cave with goblins in it. The group went in to slay the foes and win glorious prizes, and we did. We kicked butt except for PB. He sneaked around to find the goblin boss/king/captain whatever and then tried to seduce the goblin. He thankfully didn't succeed but apparently gained a goblin as a follower. This was the start of one of PB's most infamous quirks and they wanted to get a companion from each and every encounter. Cultists loyal to a god? nah seduced by PB to follow them until oblivion. Skeletons who have no soul or ability to be seduced? nah madly in love with PB. I am getting ahead of myself though.
Back to the first session, the party gets through and is reaping the spoils, but PBs character also has another quirk-- that they were racist against Dragonborn. So in the first session, PB initiated a PVP scenario to kill Dragonborn. Now Dragonborn was barbarian I believe and PB was a support class (I dont remember what exactly) but if PB was one thing it was that he was a lucky ducky and w o n the combat encounter and killed the Dragonborn forcing Dragonborn to play a different character. Which was Dragonborn again. The party decided to move on to a town and try to ignore the blatant disrespect PB showed towards Dragonborn
The next 3-4 sessions were all set in a town that had a failing economy and secrets disturbing the town. Oooo interesting. Wizard and other players including me start looking around for clues but we got some clues that Wizard was particularly interested in something to do with his backstory. PB though found something interesting, namely that the town had an election for the mayor. At this point, Goblin joined the group and during sessions, PB would grope Goblin while playing, it was consensual but WTF we are in the middle of a DnD game, and youre doing that. We were in middle school bro. PB decided to run for mayor of the town with one core issue- was it the failing economy? kinda; the disturbing secrets? Kinda; was it based on racism- yes. The position that PB ran on was a Hitler-style holocaust on the Dragonborns. Yeah. What the fuck. You may be wondering what everyone else was doing. Wizard was continuing the story with the rest of the cast and realizing that the secret was not a secret jewi- I mean dragonborn occult trying to take over the world but just your regular occult. DM tried her damn hardest to get PB on the right track, bless her soul. The dragonborn player though was fighting against PB for the obvious reasons of not wanting their race to be wiped of the planet.
The next couple of sessions were like this until the middle school dance came and PB and Goblin weren't at DnD to go to the dance, so the group decided to kill PB's character. Yeah, that sucks and is disrespectful but in the party's defense, we were 2 sessions behind and still stuck in the same town and had every and I mean every clue to leave because the town was the hook, not the whole setting. The attack was chaotic because even though PB was not there they were still luckier than the lottery winner and their character would not die and in fact gave lots of damage out. But the PB character did die and the party can move on to the next town.
When PB found out he was sad, mad, and yknow but he didnt yell or anything. He just rolled up a new character and that took off the racism a little but there was another problem with PB. He was an abrasive person and DM didn't like him. During all the sessions the sessions slowly went from 8 hours to down to 2 just because DM was exhausted by PB. it was sad. She put a lot of effort and joy into bringing the hobby to a bunch of middle schoolers and one of them was running it for her and well other people at the table.
I couldn't find a place to put this but other things PB said or did:
Make racist jokes (the 13/50 bullcrap)
Make pedo jokes (Did you know in japan jokes)
make anti gay or anti trans jokes (literally one joke)
pro hitler jokes (ew)
jokes at the expense of 'friends'
was messy and rude
would interrupt good roleplay (just let the other characters enjoy each others company instead of chiming in)
had main character syndrome. (if you couldn't tell since he single-handedly was derailing the campaign)
Yeah, I really sucked. Yep, this was all me, I was PB. I was in middle school but nothing I did was good. In case you want to know I am now a bisexual, antifa, accepting egg that is quiet and is overly worried about being a good person. I am also studying history so obviously anti-hitler. I cant take back what I did and nor do I hate myself for it. I accept who I was at that point but I wish that it didn't hurt others so much. I do not talk to that group anymore I wish I could apologize or play in DnD again with different people and despite being literally a decade older now I still feel like I will suck the fun out of the game for other people again. I hope they all played the full 8hr campaigns without me and had fun.

September 25th, 2023 Phoenix, Arizona
It's been fifteen years since I made it away from the creature in Manistee National Forest. My therapist said that I need to write about it, but every time I do, I don't know how to start. She told me to go through some old things from that time in my life and see if it starts any gears moving in my mind. I found a journal I kept that I'd completely forgotten about. I flipped to that day of the camping trip 15 years ago and wrote an entry for all the days we were out there.
I'd just graduated with a bachelor's in Journalism and mass communications. It'd been years since I'd seen my best friends and we decided to go camping. I'd write in my journal every day. I would write at the end of my day or a few days later if I didn't have time the night before.
My hand is shaking just writing this part, and I haven't gotten to the actual meat of the story. Ugh, Meat. That word makes me shutter.
I'll type the journal entries here:
September 25th, 2008, Manistee National Forest, Michigan
It's a beautiful day here in Manistee National Forest. The sun is shining through the leaves of the trees, and a light breeze is rustling the leaves. The scent of pine needles is strong in the air, and the sound of a nearby creek adds to the moment's serenity.
We've set up camp, and our tents are scattered about, creating a small community amid this natural wonderland. My friends, Remy and Will, are already starting a fire, laughing and joking as they work together to build a blaze. I feel a sense of nostalgia wash over me as I watch them, remembering the countless times we've been on adventures like this one.
I look around, taking in the beauty of our surroundings. The trees are tall and robust, their branches reaching up towards the sky like reaching arms. The underbrush is a patchwork of ferns and wildflowers, swaying gently in the breeze. There's a small creek not far from our campsite, its water clear and calm, perfect for swimming or washing up.
I make my way over to the fire, joining Remy and Will. "Hey, guys," I say, my voice filled with excitement. "This place is unbelievable."
Remy looks at me, his signature grin spreading across his face. "Yeah, man. I can't believe you talked us into this. You know how Will here hates camping." We both laugh while Will just rolls his eyes.
"Well, I figured it'd be a great way to reconnect," I say, glancing at Will. "You know, since graduation and all." An awkward silence hangs between us for a moment, and I can feel the tension that's always there whenever we're together. There's this invisible barrier we can never entirely break through since I left for college.
Remy leans in close, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "So, Landon, have you heard from anyone else? You know, old friends and whatnot?" He glances knowingly at Will, who shifts uncomfortably beside the fire.
I feel my cheeks flush red as I look at Remy. "Well, uh, not really. You know how it is. We all sort of went our separate ways after high school." I change the subject to focus on something other than the tension between us. "So, have you guys been out here before?"
"Nah, this is Will's first time," Remy says, nudging him playfully. "But I've been wanting to bring him out here for ages. I've heard these woods are teeming with wildlife. You know, bears and shit like that." He laughs, but there's a slight edge to his voice.
Will looks unconvinced. "Yeah, right. Bears in these woods? You just want to scare me."
"No, seriously," Remy insists, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "There are black bears out here. We could even go on a hike and find some. You know, get up close and personal with nature."
I glance at Will and then look back at Remy. We should stick to the campsite for now. You know, just enjoy the weekend and relax." Will says.
"Ah, come on," Remy whines. "This is the perfect opportunity. You might never get another chance to see a bear in the wild." He looks challengingly at Will as if daring him to refuse.
I decide to change the subject again, not wanting the tension between them to ruin our weekend. "Hey, guys, you want to help me gather some wood for the fire?" I ask, gesturing toward a fallen tree nearby.
Will looks relieved at the change of topic. "Sure, I can help with that." He stands up and follows me to the log while Remy remains by the fire.
We spend the next hour chopping wood and stacking it by the fire. The air is filled with the rhythmic thud of axes striking wood and the sounds of nature around us. The sunsets cast the forest in a warm, golden light. It's a beautiful sight, and for a moment, it feels like we're all part of something larger than ourselves.
Will and I continue to work in companionable silence, our minds drifting to our thoughts. It's odd how things change after high school. We used to be inseparable, but now our lives have gone in such different directions. I can't help but wonder if we'll ever find our way back to that closeness we once shared.
As the sun dips below the horizon, we join Remy by the fire. He sees the wood we've stacked with approval and pulls a few logs from the pile to keep the fire going. The flames leap to life, casting flickering shadows across our faces and dancing along the tree limbs overhead.
"So, Landon," Remy says, his voice taking on a more casual tone now that gathering wood is done. "How's life been treating you?"
"Oh, you know. Work's been good." I pause momentarily, trying to find the words to explain how different our lives have become. "It's just weird, you know...we don't see each other as much anymore. Our lives have taken us in different directions, you know?"
Remy nods, his expression somber. "Yeah, I know what you mean. It's hard to keep up with old friends sometimes, especially when you're both so busy." He glances at Will, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "But it's good to have you both here together, even if it is just for the weekend."
I feel a pang of guilt as I look between them. I've been neglecting them, focusing too much on my life and career. I've always considered them my best friend, but maybe that's changed over the years.
We decide to go to sleep after hours of reminiscing around the campfire. The stars twinkle above us, and the sounds of the forest lull us into a peaceful slumber. As I lay in my sleeping bag, I can't help but wonder about the weekend ahead. I feel a sense of camaraderie with Will and Remy, but there's also an underlying tension that I can't quite put my finger on.
Suddenly, I heard what I assumed was an animal moving just outside the campsite. I stood up quick and looked around but saw nothing. Will and Remy were asleep, their breathing slow and steady. The air felt tense, and the forest seemed to whisper secrets that I couldn't quite make out.
I decide to walk over to the edge of the campsite to see if I can spot anything. As I step carefully through the underbrush, I notice another noise like before, like something moving fast. I look up, trying to catch sight of it, but I can only get a blur moving out of sight. It moves so fast that it's hard to see where it went.
I return to the campsite, shaken by the experience. Will and Remy are still asleep. The air feels tense, and the forest seems to whisper secrets I can't quite make out.
I decided to get back into my sleeping bag and hoped it was just my eyes playing tricks on me. But as I close them, I feel the same sense of unease creeps back in. The air feels thick like something is watching us, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I can't help but wonder if there's something or someone out there that we should be worried about.
I'm going to try to get back to sleep.
September 26th 2008
We woke up and made some eggs and bacon that we'd brought in a cooler. The air was cool and crisp, and the forest took on a different hue since last night. There was an edge to it, a tension that we couldn't quite shake. As we ate, we talked about our plans for the day.
After breakfast, we packed our camp and started hiking deeper into the woods. The trees grew thicker, and the underbrush more dense. The air felt heavy with the scent of pine and damp earth. I couldn't tell if it was my paranoia about last night, but I could've sworn I kept seeing something darting just in the corner of my eye. I sighed in relief when Will mentioned it, too.
"Are you guys seeing that?" Will asks in a shaky voice.
My head quickly turns to him, and we make eye contact, a silent understanding of our fears.
"What are you talking about?" Remy snapped
"I keep seeing something dart out of my vision," I say
"That's what I'm seeing too!" Will says in an excited relief that quickly turns to fear once again.
We kept hiking silently as the woods grew denser and the air grew heavier. I could feel the tension in my shoulders, my muscles tensing up.
"I swear to god something is following us." Will whispers as he looks over his shoulders.
Remy laughs, trying to sound more confident than he feels. "Guys, come on. There's nothing out there; it's just nerves." But the way his eyes dart around, I can tell he's not entirely convinced.
We continue to hike deeper into the woods, the air growing heavier with each step. The underbrush is so dense that it's hard to see more than a few feet in front of us. I can feel the sweat starting to bead on my forehead.
We find a small clearing and set up camp again. We brought some firewood with us, so Remy started a fire immediately. The sun is beginning to set and I can tell Will is still on edge about what we saw while hiking. Remy keeps himself busy with the fire, and I can tell Will's uncertainty makes him weary.
"I'm going to take a shit over here so no one disturbs me," Will says as he points toward some bushes and gets up.
"Need any help?" Remy asks playfully, but Will does not react.
Remy and I silently sit by the fire before I ask, "Will seems a little on edge. Is everything okay?"
Remy looks at me, his eyebrow arches in confusion, "Do you not know?"
I stare at him in silence, shaking my head, confused.
"Dani and Will broke up last month. He's not really doing great right now." Remy informs me
The news shocks me. Will and Dani were inseparable in high school, almost annoyingly so. We would never be able to hang out with Will by himself. Dani made his way into our friend group by force through Will.
"Oh shit. I had no clue." I say
Will walks over as he rubs hand sanitizer between his hands. "What's for dinner, boys?"
Remy pulls out the cooler and opens it. He rummages a little bit before pulling out an ice pack. He looks confused and flustered as he frantically tries to find something in the cooler.
"It's empty," Remy says as he slowly looks up at us.
"Stop fucking around-" Will begins to say before we hear the rustling on the outskirts of the clearing, we all quickly turn our heads toward the direction.
There's a sudden silence as we all realize what's happening. Something, or someone, is stalking us.
Will stands up and screams, "Who the fuck is there? Come out, you fucking coward!"
Silence fills the forest as all animals and wind stop suddenly. Will's face melts into fear. We all sit in silence as we wait for something to happen. When nothing happens after a few minutes, Will turns around slowly and makes eye contact with me. Suddenly, something large, like a black wolf but far more significant and almost human as it stood on only two legs, quickly jumps out behind Will and digs its large knife-like claws into both his collar bones. It pulls Will back into the forest, and we hear his cries fade the further he is dragged.
Remy and I stare at the empty space that once held Will in horror. My heart is pounding out of my chest, and I feel like I can't breathe. Remy turns to me, his eyes wide with fear, "We have to go now. We have to leave."
I nod in agreement, unable to find my voice. We both stand up and quickly gather our things, looking around wildly as we decide which direction to go.
As we grabbed things, I heard a large thud outside the clearing where Will stood. Afraid to look, I signal for Remy as he stares at something in horror behind me. I'm still too scared to look, but I force myself. I couldn't tell what it was at first. There, tossed carelessly, lay a pile of skinned human limbs, a torso, and a head. The fleshless appendages were jumbled together in a chaotic mess, bones jutting out at odd angles and sinew glistening in the dim light. The head, stripped of its skin, bore vacant, eyeless sockets, its teeth bared in a permanent, macabre smile. The sight was horrifyingly surreal as if a butcher had gone mad in some twisted nightmare. The air was thick with the metallic scent of blood, a stench so overwhelming it made me gag. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the ghastly scene, every detail etching itself into my memory with sickening clarity.
Before we could say anything, a loud, lion-like roar filled the forest and echoed into my skull. I swear I felt the vibrations of the sound inside my head.
Remy grabs my arm, and we start running deeper into the woods. I can hear the beast behind us, getting closer with each passing second. My heart is racing, my lungs burning for air. I don't know what's chasing us, but I know we have to keep running.
We run for hours through dense forests and across open fields. The sun begins to set, casting an eerie glow over the landscape. I try to keep my bearings, but I'm disoriented and terrified. Remy trips over a fallen log and lands hard on the ground, wincing in pain.
"Keep going," he gasps, struggling to get back up. "We have to keep going."
I don't want to leave him to limp, but I know we can't stay here. I nod, taking a deep breath to steady my racing heart and force myself to keep running. Behind me, I can hear Remy pushing himself up, his footsteps scrambling over the leaves and dirt.
We continue through the forest, the shadows growing longer and darker around us. The trees seem to close in, forming a dense, impenetrable wall that traps us within. I try to remember the way back to the car, but I'm so disoriented now that I'm not sure I could find it even if I tried.
I stop hearing the Monster behind us, so I stop to catch my breath. Remy runs up behind me, limping. He falls onto a rock, sitting down as he struggles through wheezing breath. He pulls out his inhaler, takes three big puffs, and holds it in. He struggles until he finally releases and coughs. I look at him, and he glares back at me. He's scared.
"I don't know where we are," I whisper. "I don't know where to go."
"We have to keep moving," Remy says, still slightly wheezing from his asthma attack. He pulls himself up onto his feet and offers me a hand, but I look away, still needing to catch my breath.
"I don't know where to go," I whisper, my voice barely audible over the sound of my racing heart.
Remy hesitates for a moment, his brow furrowed in thought. "Listen," he says, his voice quiet but steady. "If we stay here, we're dead. We have to keep moving."
He takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. I can feel the warmth of his skin, and it somehow grounds me. We walk again through the dense underbrush, our footsteps muffled by leaves and dirt. The darkness around us is almost complete now, but I can still see Remy's figure as I check on him behind me.
"Do you even know where we are going?" I ask
Remy stays silent as he continues to limp behind me. I focus on the sounds around us, hoping to find some clue as to where we are or where we should go. The forest presses in on us from all sides, blocking any possible escape. My heart is still racing, my breath coming in short, ragged gasps.
"Okay, we have to stop." I hear Remy say behind me. I look back and see that he's already sitting on the ground, carefully taking the shoe off the hurt foot.
He winces in pain as he struggles to get the hiking boot off. When he finally gets it off, he peels the sock off to expose his swollen ankle.
"Ah fuck!" Remy says in pain as he realizes his injury is worse than he thought.
I walk over to him as he rests his head back onto a rock in defeat, "I can't keep going."
I sit beside him, hopefully comforting him, but he looks offended.
"You can't stay with me, Landon. At least one of us has to get out of here." Remy says between breaths.
I ignore him and rest my head on the rock next to his. Before I knew it, he was snoring. I knew the pain wouldn't let him sleep for long, but he needed it. I also drifted off eventually.
September 27th, 2008
I was awoken by Remy's winces as he tried to sleep. I looked at my watch, and it was 3am. I knew we were both exhausted, but I couldn't help but feel restless. I decided to stand up and stretch, wincing as my sore muscles protested. I looked around, trying to find some sign of civilization, but the forest seemed to stretch endlessly in all directions.
I nudged him gently. "Hey, let's keep going," I said softly. He opened his eyes blearily and looked at me. He looked around for a second in confusion and then remembered the day prior as he let out a long sigh.
I put his arm around my shoulder and lifted him so we could keep walking. The pain in his foot was unbearable, but I knew we couldn't stop. After what felt like hours, we stumbled across a dirt road. It was faint in the moonlight, but we could make out the tracks from a car or truck.
I slowly let Remy down to sit as I decided to follow the road to try and find help. It was still pitch black all around me, but the moon lit the road.
After assuring Remy that I would be back, I went on my way. The dirt road wound through the dense forest, the trees pressing in on either side like they were trying to keep the light away from me. I tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, but my mind kept drifting back to Remy, wondering if he would be okay.
I was so lost in thought for what must've been hours as the sun started rising. I didn't notice the sound of something big following me from the forest edge. My mind must've been racing so much that I didn't notice. I couldn't hear the giant footsteps when I stopped. Only when I started walking again did the Monster continue to follow from the tree line.
I turned toward it, my mind tired and exhausted as I screamed, "What the fuck do you want?! Come get me; I'm right here!" I was too tired, both physically and mentally, to fight or run anymore as I accepted the same fate as Will.
I heard it move some more, and I closed my eyes and braced myself for what was coming. I heard something quickly leave the tree line and land before my feet. I waited, but nothing happened, so I slowly opened my eyes and looked down at my feet.
I saw another human body, limbs, head, and torso torn apart. I could see Remy's shirt torn within what I can only describe as 'Meat.'
I screamed as I realized this was Remy's remains. I fell back onto my butt and frantically scooted myself backward, away from the Monster that I knew hid behind the brush in front of me.
The creature slowly stands from a squat, fully revealing itself. It must have been over seven feet tall, jet black, leather skin and fur. Its face was like a wolf, but its teeth went on forever like a great white shark. It stood there, breathing heavily, staring me down. I didn't know what to do. I sat there forever, thinking about the pain I was about to be in. I thought about Will's screams as he was yanked into the forest.
Suddenly, a loud bang from a rifle fills my ears from behind me. I close my eyes, and my ears start to ring. I've never felt more disoriented in my life. Moments seemed to slow down as I opened my eyes and saw the Monster gripping its shoulder as it roared in my direction and ran further into the forest, away from the edge.
Time is still moving slowly. I look back and see an older man with a short military-grade buzz. It was white with age, and his full but kempt beard still had sprinkles of pepper.
Suddenly, time returned to normal as I observed my surroundings. I saw the pile of meat that Remy once inhabited, and I quickly made my way to my feet, backing away from the man with the rifle.
He cocks his head, looking at me curiously as I approach him cautiously. "Are you... okay?" he asks, lowering the rifle slowly to his side.
I stare at him in disbelief, unable to make myself say anything. He looks at me with understanding eyes and then gestures for me to follow him. I do as he says, walking slowly behind him as he starts back down the dirt road.
I look behind me at Remy's pile and stop, "I can't leave him here like this." I say, "We have to at least bury him."
The man lets out a sigh of annoyance but comes around after a few seconds and helps me bury Remy off to the side of the road.
I stand in silence in front of the pile of dirt as the man waits impatiently a few feet away. I start to think of all the memories all three of us had. I wished I could return to get Will, or at least whatever remained of him, and give him a semi-proper burial like Remy.
"We'd all met in fourth grade," I say out loud to the man waiting for me.
He looks back at me in surprise.
"We had Ms. Birtch. She was so mean, we called her Ms. Bitch." I chuckle to myself.
"Look, we gotta get out of here now. I know you just lost your friend, but we can come back later to reminisce." The man says as he looks at me, annoyed.
I look up and realize he's right. I kneel and place my hand on the dirty pile before getting up and following the man further down the dirt road.
We walked for about 30 minutes, and the sun glared in our eyes as it rose. The old man's name was Steve, and he seemed to be a former soldier, but he didn't talk about it much. He had a way of making me feel safe and protected. He led me to a small cabin nestled in the trees off the dirt road. The cabin was quaint and well-maintained, with a small garden out front and a few chickens scratching around in the dirt.
"This is my home," he said as he opened the door and gestured for me to enter. "Please, make yourself comfortable."
I enter the home and immediately ask, "Do you have a phone? Mine doesn't have service out here."
He shakes his head, but I follow him as he enters the kitchen. He opens the old white fridge door and pulls out a milk carton. He places it on the dining table and fetes a glass from above the sink. He grabs another one and gestures it toward me. I look down at the milk and shake my head no. He only grabs one glass and sits at the table as he pours himself a glass of milk. He takes a long gulp and places the glass back down. He gestures for me to sit, so I do.
"I don't have a phone here," he says, "but I know where we can get to a radio to get you out of here." The man says as he takes another sip of the milk.
I look at him, confused. "What do you mean get me out of here?" I ask, still sitting down at the table.
He looks past me, so I turn around and see a picture on the wall. It's the man but much younger. He was surrounded by three children and a woman. It must be his family.
"Does your family live here too?" I ask
He stops, moves his gaze back to me, sits back in his chair, and sighs.
"They used to." He says in his grizzly voice.
I waited for him to expand, but he never did.
"Did that... monster... get them?" I ask hesitantly, not wanting to offend the man who saved my life.
He gets up from the chair and goes to the window above the sink. He stares for a long time before speaking. "I guess technically they're still here."
I get up and stand next to him, looking into his backyard. It seems overgrown, as if it has not been tended to in years. The grass was growing between brick paths, and bushes reached across the path like thick underbrush. Everything was unkempt except for one square. In that square, there were four headstones. The man's family.
"Yes," the man says as I look at him, "that monster got them."
I helped the man do chores for the rest of the day until the sun went below the mountains.
The rest of the night was spent planning how to get to the radio tomorrow morning. He said it was in an old radio tower up in the mountains.
The man told me I'd need to rest for tomorrow, but as I slept in the cot in the living room, I couldn't stop dreaming about the Monster and what it did to Will and Remy or what it would do to me.
September 28th 2008
As expected, I didn't get much sleep, but when the man shook me awake, it was still dark out. He told me to dress warm, as the radio tower was a ways up the mountain and the air would be cold. I dressed quickly in the clothes he had laid for me, and we set off into the darkness. The stars were visible, twinkling above us as we hiked through the woods. The man led the way, moving silently through the darkness, his hand resting on a walking stick.
The man was more talkative today as if he hadn't had anyone to talk to in years. I learned his name is Gary, and he and his family lived in Boston. They decided to take a no-technology vacation out here four years ago. They rented the cabin he brought me to, which Gary now owns. He came from money, so that was never the problem.
When I asked why he lived out here, he paused briefly before saying, "I can't leave my family." That was the last thing he said before we reached the tower.
It took about an hour and a half to make it to the tower. It was overgrown, and Gary told me it had been years since he'd last climbed it. When we reached the top, the first rays of sunlight began to peak over the horizon. The radio tower was ancient and rusty, and the steps leading up to it were rickety at best.
"So, what's the plan?" I asked as I carefully made my way up the steps.
The man stayed silent and kept climbing the winding stairs. Something seemed off like the man had changed.
Gary looked down at the tree line below us. I looked too and only caught a blur as the creature ran off and the bushes swayed in its place. Gary grins and looks at me, "Go down."
Surprised, I stare at him, confused. He grabs me by the shirt and pulls me closer, "Go. Down." His hot, stinky breath envelops my face. He pushes me back, forcing me to grab the railing to keep myself from falling. When he sees that he failed in pushing me, he snarls and continues climbing the stairs faster, skipping a step.
I hear the Monster's roar right below us as I see it climbing up through the metal grate. I freeze, not knowing what to do. Then I hear Gary's voice over a PA system. It rings loud into my ears before he talks, "Kid, I said get the fuck down. You don't need to be another victim of this thing!"
Still frozen, even more confused by his words, I look down again and see the Monster climbing the metal poles that held the structure up. I watched the creature scale the radio tower with an eerie, almost unnatural agility. Each movement was swift and precise, powerful claws gripping the metal rungs effortlessly. The tower seemed to shudder under its weight, a low creaking sound accompanying each ascent. I could see its eyes glowing with a feral intensity, focused on something far above. The sight was both mesmerizing and terrifying, a primal fear gripping me as I watched this Monster get closer and closer to me.
Finally, I snap out of it when Gary's voice fills the sky again, "Let's fucking go, you mangey half-breed!"
The creature seemed to move faster at his voice like it knew him personally. As it finally made it to me, it leaped toward me on the stairs, but I could move to the side and almost dodge it completely. It jumped so far that it nearly flew off the side of the tower. As it reached for the railing to save itself from falling, it snatched onto my elbow, slicing it so bad I could see the bone.
Grabbing onto my wound, trying to keep my skin from peeling completely off, I started running back down the stairs. The Monster looks down at me, and I can tell it's about to pounce on me, but Gary's voice distracts it again, "You don't want that little shit, you mutt! Come get some seasoned meat!" The Monster starts climbing toward Gary again.
Gary starts laughing. A laugh only a person who has given up on everything could. It slowly turned to sobbing as I heard his last words, "I love you, Mary, Lilly, and little Amber. Margaret, I'm sorry, but I can't live without you-" Just then, the Monster made it to the top, where Gary was in a little structure attached to the tower.
Everything was silent. I started sprinting down the stairs, almost to the bottom, when my hearing went and I only heard a ringing. Again, things moved in slow motion as I looked up and saw an enormous explosion coming from the structure Gary was in. The ground started to rumble as things went back to average speed, and I tried to make it down in time before the whole rickety structure collapsed.
It must've been adrenalin that got me out in time. The tower began to crumble and toppled in the opposite direction of me.
I stood there, waiting for the Monster to emerge, but it never did. I sat down, still holding my wound as it seeped warm blood all over me. I sat there, knowing help was not coming, accepting my imminent death for what felt like hours.
I must've passed out because the next thing I remember was having water thrown onto my face as I lay on the ground. A man and a woman were tending to my elbow wound and, in my delirium, snatched my arm away and began running from the rescue team. I ran for what felt like hours before passing out. I later learned that I ran only about 50 feet before passing out. Now I'm in the hospital tending to my elbow.
How will I ever live with this? How could I go on?
September 25th, 2023
I only remember a little after that. I remember telling authorities about the Monster and how it mauled Will and Remy. I also told them about Gary, and they were able to find all three bodies, well, what was left of them. They never saw any sign of the Monster, though.
After telling them the unbelievable story, I have to admit, I would have a hard time believing I was a suspect in all their murders. After years of trying, they could never find any evidence against me.
After many attempts to end my life, I decided I wouldn't let that Monster win; even after it was out of my life, I refused to let it be the reason I go.

Experience the breathtaking beauty of the American West on the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour, featuring captivating views of the Grand Canyon, Yosemites iconic cliffs, and the mesmerizing rock formations of Antelope Canyon.

Unveiling the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour

The Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour beckons adventure enthusiasts and nature lovers alike to embark on a transformative journey through some of the most spectacular landscapes the American West has to offer. This immersive experience goes beyond mere sightseeing, delving deep into the rich history, geology, and ecological diversity of the national parks that grace this region. From the rugged grandeur of the Grand Canyon to the serene beauty of Yosemite's waterfalls, each day on this 11-day tour promises to be a new chapter in an epic adventure.
One of the key highlights of this tour is the opportunity to witness the captivating views of the Grand Canyon, a natural wonder that leaves visitors spellbound with its vastness and breathtaking beauty. Imagine standing at the rim of the canyon, gazing out at the layers of rock formations carved by the mighty Colorado River over millions of years. This iconic site is just the beginning of a journey that will take participants on a whirlwind exploration of the diverse landscapes and natural wonders of the American West.

The National Parks Included

The Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour is a comprehensive itinerary that promises to showcase the best of the best when it comes to national parks in the western United States. From the towering sandstone cliffs of Zion National Park to the unique desert landscapes of Death Valley, each park on the tour offers a distinct and awe-inspiring experience. For example, Bryce Canyon National Park is known for its captivating hoodoos and natural amphitheaters, creating a surreal and almost magical landscape that captivates visitors from around the world.
Moreover, Antelope Canyon is a highlight of the tour, where mesmerizing light beams dance through the narrow slot canyons, illuminating the sculpted rock formations in a breathtaking display of natural artistry. This ethereal beauty is a testament to the creative forces of nature and provides a unique opportunity for photographers and nature enthusiasts to capture moments of pure serenity and wonder. By including these iconic sites in the itinerary, the tour ensures that participants have a well-rounded and unforgettable experience exploring the diverse landscapes of the American West.
Original Link: https://elite-adventures.com/all-offers/f/a-journey-through-the-best-of-the-american-wests-national-parks

Activities and Experiences

The Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour offers a myriad of activities and experiences designed to cater to a wide range of interests and preferences. For those who are fascinated by the mysteries of the night sky, engaging in guided stargazing sessions in Death Valley can be a truly mesmerizing experience. Under the canopy of stars, participants can learn about the constellations, planets, and galaxies that adorn the night sky.
Additionally, taking a scenic drive through the majestic Monument Valley provides a unique perspective on the iconic landscapes of the American West. As travelers wind their way through the red sandstone buttes and mesas that define this region, they are transported into a cinematic landscape that has served as the backdrop for countless Western films and inspired generations of artists and adventurers. This immersive experience allows participants to connect with the cultural and geological significance of the landscape, providing a deeper understanding of the forces that have shaped this iconic terrain.

Accommodations

Choosing the right accommodations can significantly enhance the overall experience of a travel adventure, and the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour offers a variety of options to suit different preferences. For those seeking a closer connection to nature, camping under the starlit skies of the national parks provides a unique opportunity to immerse oneself in the natural beauty of the surroundings. Waking up to the sounds of birds chirping and the rustle of leaves in the wind can be a rejuvenating and grounding experience, setting the tone for a day of exploration and discovery.
In addition to camping, guests can opt for stays in comfortable lodges located near the park entrances, offering a blend of rustic charm and modern amenities. Imagine unwinding in a cozy lodge after a day of hiking and sightseeing, where you can relax by a crackling fireplace or stargaze from a private balcony. These accommodations provide a comfortable retreat amidst the wilderness, allowing participants to recharge and reflect on the day's adventures in a serene and welcoming environment.

Transportation

Efficient and comfortable transportation is essential for a seamless travel experience, and the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour ensures that participants can focus on enjoying the journey without worrying about logistics. Traveling in a luxury air-conditioned vehicle with panoramic windows not only provides stunning views of the passing landscapes but also ensures that guests can travel in comfort and style between the national parks. The convenience of included transportation between parks allows travelers to relax and enjoy the scenic routes without the stress of navigating unfamiliar roads or coordinating multiple vehicles.
Moreover, the option for private tours offers a personalized and tailored experience for those looking to enhance their journey even further. Private tours allow guests to customize their itinerary, spending more time at favorite sites, delving deeper into specific interests, or simply enjoying a more intimate experience with their group. Whether it's a special celebration, a family reunion, or a group of friends embarking on an adventure together, private tours provide flexibility and exclusivity that elevate the overall travel experience.

Tour Guides

The expertise and knowledge of the tour guides leading the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour play a pivotal role in enhancing the overall experience for participants. These expert guides are not only well-versed in the geological formations and historical significance of each park but also offer valuable insights into the flora, fauna, and cultural heritage of the region. For example, visitors can learn about the unique adaptations of plants and animals in Yosemite National Park, gaining a deeper appreciation for the delicate balance of ecosystems that thrive in this natural paradise.
Furthermore, the guides act as storytellers, weaving narratives of the past and present to bring the landscapes to life in a meaningful and engaging way. By sharing anecdotes, local legends, and scientific facts, the guides create a rich tapestry of information that adds depth and context to the sights and sounds encountered during the tour. Their passion for the national parks is infectious, inspiring participants to develop a deeper connection with nature and a greater understanding of the importance of conservation and stewardship.

Optional Activities

In addition to the core itinerary, the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour offers a range of optional activities that allow participants to tailor their experience and delve deeper into specific interests. One such exciting option is the opportunity to explore the depths of the Grand Canyon on a helicopter flight, providing a bird's eye view of the immense chasms and intricate rock formations that define this natural wonder. This exhilarating experience offers a unique perspective on the sheer scale and grandeur of the canyon, leaving a lasting impression on all who take to the skies.
Moreover, participants can opt for a guided jeep tour of Monument Valley, immersing themselves in the iconic landscapes that have become synonymous with the American West. Traversing the rugged terrain in a sturdy off-road vehicle, travelers can gain insights into the history, culture, and geology of this unique region while marveling at the towering sandstone buttes and mesas that have captured the imagination of adventurers and artists for generations. These optional activities provide an opportunity for deeper exploration and a more intimate connection with the landscapes and cultures encountered during the tour.

Family-Friendly Features

Families looking to create lasting memories in the great outdoors will find the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour to be a perfect choice for an unforgettable adventure. With engaging activities suitable for children aged 7 and above, the tour ensures that young participants are entertained, informed, and inspired by the natural wonders that await them. For example, educational programs designed to entertain and inform young visitors in Yellowstone National Park offer a fun and interactive way for kids to learn about the flora, fauna, and geology of the region.
Moreover, families can bond over shared experiences amidst the natural beauty of the parks, creating memories that will last a lifetime. From guided stargazing sessions to ranger-led programs and interactive hikes, the tour provides a diverse range of activities that cater to the interests and curiosity of young travelers. By fostering a sense of wonder and appreciation for the natural world, the tour aims to instill a love for exploration and a commitment to environmental conservation in the next generation of nature enthusiasts.

Costs and Inclusions

When considering the costs and inclusions of the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour, participants can rest assured that the tour package is designed to provide a comprehensive and seamless travel experience. With park admissions and entrance fees included in the package, travelers can explore the iconic sites and hidden gems of each national park without any additional financial burden. For example, enjoying the stunning sunrise at Bryce Canyon's amphitheater or witnessing the mesmerizing light beams in Antelope Canyon are experiences that are seamlessly integrated into the tour itinerary, allowing participants to fully immerse themselves in the wonders of the American West.
In addition to park admissions, the tour provides delicious meals throughout the 11-day journey, ensuring that guests are well-fed and energized for each day's adventures. Whether it's savoring a hearty breakfast before embarking on a hike or enjoying a leisurely dinner after a day of exploration, the culinary offerings add a touch of comfort and indulgence to the travel experience. By including meals in the tour package, participants can focus on making memories and connecting with nature, knowing that their dining needs are taken care of. Optional activities and gratuities are the only additional costs, allowing travelers to customize their experience and indulge in extra adventures along the way.

Embracing Nature's Splendor in the American West

As participants reflect on their 11-day journey through the Best of the West National Parks Tour, they find themselves enriched by a tapestry of unforgettable experiences and lasting memories. Each moment spent in the grandeur of the national parks has been a brushstroke painting a vivid picture of the natural wonders that grace the American West. From the towering cliffs of Zion to the ancient sequoias of Yosemite, the tour has been a transformative exploration of the rich history, diverse ecosystems, and breathtaking landscapes that define this region.
One standout experience that encapsulates the essence of the tour is the guided stargazing session in Death Valley. Under the canopy of a starlit sky, participants have marveled at the beauty of the universe above, connecting with the cosmos in a way that is both humbling and awe-inspiring. This moment of reflection underscores the tour's commitment to providing not just a superficial visit to the parks but a profound encounter with the natural world. By fostering a deeper appreciation for the environment and creating lasting connections with nature, the Best of the West 11-Day National Parks Tour inspires participants to continue exploring the wonders of the American West and to cherish the beauty of the natural world for years to come.
Click here for more information or to book now.
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I just finished the last episode. I honestly didn't expect to shed tears, but I did.
I've started watching the show after seeing the reference to it in the Mean Girls Remake.
I grew up in the 2000s and I watched Hannah Montana back then, which I loved. I wish I had known about iCarly back then, because it would have been the perfect replacement for Hannah Montana. I really totally missed out on that and I don't know why. I was looking for a replacement and just didn't find anything that worked for me. Dang flabbit!
I'm now in my 30s and this show has brought me so much joy in the past 3 months. Man, I'm really gonna miss it. I already watched a few episodes of the reboot, so I know it's not the same. I'll miss Jennette McCurdy dearly. I've always been into tomboys, so if I had watched it growing up, man I would have had a gigantic crush on her. I would have gone straight from Lola Luftnagel to Sam.
I alsow want to mention how great their wardrobe became at some point in the later seasons. I mean Sam and Carly had so many beautiful outfits! And Mama always looks good in a leather jacket!
Sam & Spencer were my absolutely favourite characters. Characters as well as their actors. I just love those two. They carried the whole show for me. Freddie was annoying at first, but as soon as he hit puberty, he became quite likeable. I enjoyed Gibby, until they started making him an aboslute idiot in the last season (maybe earlier, but I only really noticed it then). T-Bo also became on of my favourite characters in the later seasons. He was just cool and fun.
I know I'll be rewatching this show many times, because it's become one of my comfort shows. I hope there'll be a blu-ray release some day.
Now I have to find a replacement and get over that low after a finished a great show. I might just jump right into Sam & Cat. I'm grateful for any recommendations. I already tried Victorious, which doesn't work for me.

I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a while now. I was born female, and has always identified as a woman. No confusions there. I'm in my late 20s, and I've always identified as straight, but for the past few years I've been realizing some things, and I don't know if I'm just overthinking this and is actually just really straight. So like, this is gonna be a long story, but I hope someone can just tell me??
Ever since I was a kid, I've always known I'm different from other girls, but I thought that maybe it's just my personality. I never quite connected with girls my age and always preferred to be friends with boys. I was really not the girly-type kid. I hated wearing dresses, I hated pink because I felt like it's too feminine, I didn't like perfumes or make up, and in general I just hated being perceived as very girly. But then I grew out of it when I entered high school. I still didn't like to be portrayed as too girly, but I began to like dresses and soft colors and basically just acted like a normal girl. Still didn't like hanging out with girls too much, but I had girl bestfriends in high school.
I've always had crushes on boys since I was a kid, and eventually when I got older, on men. I fool around with them and started pretty early at it (like 13), but I've never been too hyped about their bodies. I just liked the feeling and the pleasure. I don't even look at male celebrities' bodies, but I do look a lot at female celebrities' bodies. Eventually at around 25, I began liking the muscular male form as well, started with some kpop boygroups and then eventually to other celebrities, and now I find that hot. But when I look at a guy's body that isn't a celebrity, I go like "oh he's tall and has broad shoulders, it must be nice to get embraced by that". It's never sexual. But I am sexually active though, only ever with men, and either with a boyfriend or with a man that I feel really connected emotionally to.
I've never had a crush on a girl/woman before. But like I said, I always notice a girl's body. Either with celebrities or just random people I see everyday (never with my friends). Like, damn she's sexy. Or, that's a nice pair of boobs. Or, nice butt. And I'm not sure if that's just normal? But even in porn, I get aroused with women. I watch straight porn, but I always choose ones with a really pretty girl and/or really sexy ones and focus on them. When I was in my teens I thought that maybe I focus on the women because that's the pleasure I want to feel. But now I'm really questioning myself. I even get off on POV types which I think is generally for people sexually attracted to women. I even look at sexy photos of women to get in the mood, or even videos of women doing sexy dancing. And sexy women are definitely hotter for me than sexy men. Even when I see an attractive couple on the street, I look at the girl first - her face then body (interchangeable), then I look at the guy's face. And normally goes back to look at the girl. But, I'm sure that I don't want to have sex with a woman. I can't even imagine kissing one.
And romantically, I'm sure I only want to be with a man. So, it's all really so confusing to me?? I can't say I'm a heteroromantic bisexual because I don't want to have sex with a woman. Chatgpt tells me that I'm a heteroromantic heterosexual with bisexual aesthetic attraction. But, I'm not sure if I should bank my sexuality on what AI tells me? Also, as I said at the beginning of this long wordvomit, that I wonder if I am just straight and only overthinking this because I am so exposed to the queer community. I think about 40-50% of my friends are gay, and I'm active on fandoms with M/M ships. I feel very attached to the community and even argue against my coworkers or boyfriend whenenever they say something even a little bit offensive about the community. I feel very affected about queer history and feel so fucking touched whenever I see happy queer couples. But I'm not sure if that's just me being a very supportive ally? But then again, there's a huge part of my brain saying that a straight person wouldn't be having a crisis for years and thinking too much about this.

I have a 25” inseam, so 2.5-3.5” inseam works best for me, but I’m having a hard time figuring out which shorts would fit my frame best. 26” waist, 37” hips, but not the version with the cute little bubble butt lol. I’d try on in-store if I lived closer… anybody with similar measurements have a suggestion for what to start with? I have two of the dance studio, and I like them, but I suspect I should have sized up (I’m typically a 4 in all pants, but I think the waistband on the 6 might have been a more comfortable fit in this style). If you have fit pics of shorts you love, even better!

Chapter 5: Reck “Desire” Lesley & the Madams.
Page 96.
Present moment:
( visual: Madame and Naivi out on the balcony of the Mama moving saloon )
Madame: “Whew” Thank you so much again for saving my Mama.
Naivi: No worries madame, I’m cold in heated situations! That guy sounded to me like a massive hot head. Bet I could cool him down a notch!
( visual: smacking his fists together)
Madame: You’re thinking of challenging that monster to a duel? That’s so old fashioned…
Mama moving saloon: - And sure way to get yourself killed, trust me kid.
Naivi: How else d’ya expect to get those train tickets? Let’s try to challenge him straightforwardly! Since your pickpocketing antics didn’t seem to catch any wind the last time.
-Or it did actually…
-but it went up in flames before that!

• Literally!

Madame: …Not one more pun about my almost burnt alive mother, okay?
(Visual: Zips Naivis mouth with her fingers.)
Naivi: Knock that out already! I’m just tryna do a little human to human socializing here…
Madame: Anyways… El Diablo didn’t seem to care much about those tickets, but I know he won’t give them up for free. We have to trade something in for them… Something that he values… Hmmm…
…
…?
…!
Naivi: Wait, I’m the bait!? What could he possibly want from me?
Madame: Chill. It’s a foolproof plan!
Naivi: Is that so… Isn’t there any other way to get inside the train? ...Like some rich old granny we could just rob the tickets off easily?
Madame: Nope! Everybody else has already boarded the train with their tickets. And all the high class passengers were protected better than most of the banks in the 0 * state. Without the tickets, you won’t even get a good look at the darn thing, before you are shot full of holes.
Naivi: Shii…
Madame: -That monster possesses the only two remaining tickets…
Page 97.
Naivi: And here I thought that I could just simply sneak into the train without anybody noticing…
Madame: Good! It’s settled then! We better hurry up. Train should be leaving soon!
Naivi: Wait wait wait! I haven’t agreed to anything yet!
Madame: Camoon man… I thought you weren’t scared of the big bad bull- hihihi!
(Visual: Teasing Naivi. Madame put fingers as horns taunting naivi imitating a bull)
Naivi: I’m not! In this town I’m invincible!! I got my Ma watching over me…
(Visual: Naivi proudly says this with a hint of embarrassment in his body language)
Madame: That’s the right spirit…?
Visual: confused
Mama moving saloon: No worries Naivi. He was in the town looking for some rich parent’s kid to kidnap for a big bounty I guess. What are the chances it would be you, right? You just have to distract him momentarily so we can get our hands on those tickets.
Madame: Then you can do whatever you want. Fight the damn thing if you want to! I won’t stop you…
Naivi: Okay then… I’ve got a couple good reasons for risking my life for those tickets, but what about you?
-You and I have barely broken the ice and you’re asking me to put my butt in your hands.
Madame: Was that ice pun intentional?
-And don’t you mean your life in my hands?
Naivi: It runs in the family, nothing Í can do about it.
Madame: Odd family curse… I ain’t scared to risk my life for this golden opportunity! I’m willing to give it my all to get those tickets!
Naivi: I didn’t say you were scared… I wanna know why you’re taking on the adventure in the first place?
Madame: Tsk… I ain’t looking for some whimsical childish adventure… Why do you want to know?
Naivi: You have to have some important reason to risk your life, right? And if your reasons are sound then I have no problem running with your plan.
Page 98.
Madame: Sigh… You saved my mothers life so I guess …it's right for you to know… I was the one who cursed my mother into this saloon.
Naivi: ?
Madame: I have been cursed / blessed, however you wanna call it with a wild spirit…

• I need to find this legendary healer from the Wild world who could possibly help us reverse the curse and make Mamma back to normal human again. I won’t rest before I ha-

Naivi: I thought your mother is awesome! Why would you want her to turn back to normal? And what about you Mama moving saloon?
-How do you feel being you?
(Visual: Naivi suddenly on top of the roof.)
Madame: Thoughts: How did he get up there so quickly?
Mama moving saloon: Well I…-
Madame: Mother always says she doesn’t care about being in a saloon! And I shouldn’t worry about her… Enough about us! Imma ask you the same question…
-What do you want from the Wild world?
Naivi: What do I want from the Wild World? Nothing really that special… Adventure. Gold. Someone to ride a high horse with off to the beautiful sun set… To discover the hidden gem mountain! (/// Health, Wealth, Love and perfect self expression///)
-All the basics! I just want to be the coldest cowboy in the world!
Madame: Ahhh…Hahahaha! - What does that even mean? Ahh haha… How old were you again?
Naivi: Shut up, you don’t get it… You are the worst bartender in the state.
Madame: Huh, what do you mean??!!
Naivi: …Giving all your “cursed saloons” “cheap drinks” away for free to a “big ominous drunk”…
Madame: It’s not cheap for me??
Page 99.
Ranger in charge of the communication unit inside the Ranger HQ:
-Any updates from Captain “Desire” Lesley?
(Visual: Big building with rangers star and HQ written on it)
Rangers with a cockroach type of telephone: They had located El Diablo in Mama moving saloon at the other end of the town. After entering, no new report has…
X:- HEEELP MEEE!!!

• ?

Ranger corporal from the saloon on horseback: Heeelp! El Diablo is after us all! He set the saloon on fire! Then he began slaughtering our whole platoo-
SFX: BANG!!!
Ranger corporal from the saloon: -NUMFF!
(Visual: Ranger corporal on horseback gets shot in the face.)
Ranger: !!!
El Diablo: I hate snitches… And excuse me for this “god-forsaken-colder-than-my-evil-step-mothers-grave-stone” -climate you guys are living in. I had to warm the place up a bit…
Now then, will you be a good ranger and look the other way?
-Or do we have a problem brewing in here?
Visual: L Pablo takes the scarf and the sunglasses off his face exposing his now demonic looking face
Ranger: S-S-Send help…
EL Diablo: Such a party pooper…
SFX: BANG!
Ranger: Gahhh!
Child: That weird looking goat has a big mouth mama.
Mama: What did I tell you about commenting on other peoples looks before?!´´´
EL Diablo: Oh, but it has a purpose, y-know kid?…
(Visual: L Pablo walking closer to the kid and mother. Mother and son are now shivering in fear.)
-It helps me to snack naughty little kids like you in one big gulp!

• You know where the frozen child lives amigo?

Woman and child are the same duo as in the train station: IIIK!!!
El Diablo: Guess if the chef still needs more time to cook up the main supper…

• I can settle for a happy meal for now!!

?

Page 100.
(Visual: Reck Lesley flying through the street in supernatural speed on horseback)
Reck Lesley: Your apathy for human life isn't a very cool character trait -y’know!!
L Pablo: ¿Qué? You again??
(Visual: Jumps off the horse flying towards L Pablo like a missile. Gets his sword out)
Zwiiiiiiing….
ZWUM!!!
( Visual: Reck grabs the random kid and mama saving them from L Pablo, at the same time slashes Pablos neck with his sword)
# 3 Arc. Solution to your problem
L Pablo: …GRh! Nice swing!
Reck: (thoughts: He’s still alive after that? I slashed his throat cleanly just now?)
(Visual: smirk on his face, one “heh!” flying out his mouth)
KLASH!!!
( Reck’s sword and Pablo’s hidden claw blades clash in a big blow)
Page 101.
L Pablo: Oh? /Visual: glances at the sword Reck Lesley is using/
-That’s one of the possessed blades from the ghost dance war… Well done acquiring that, lil fella! Where did ya find it?
Reck Lesley: You like it? I took it as sovereign the last time I visited your ends!
L Pablo: OHH…! So have we met before? That could explain the familiar vibe I got from you earlier…
Reck Lesley: Yes! In the conquest for the New cork colony!
Page 102.
(Visual: the characters break up after the clash)

L Pablo: The New cork colony!? You were there lil man?? The place where the apocalypse finally dawned!
Reck Lesley: It did dawn on that day… The dawn of endless possibility for mankind.
-It’s embarrassing to admit, but you have been living rent free in my head ever since!
L Pablo: Keheh…It surely did…Can’t you hear it?! The doomsday clock is ticking loudly as we speak! KEHEHEHEH!
SFX: Bang!
( Visual: Shoots a ranger trying to ambush him from behind)
-We El Diablo triplets are well known for leaving long lasting impressions! Makes it hard to remember everyone with a vendetta against us!
Reck Lesley: …Funny, because I remember you three as if it happened yesterday. Over ten years… And I still wake up every morning with murder on my mind… I made a life long promise to someone very special on that fateful day-
El diablo: ?
Page 103.
Panel:

• That someday, I will cut down all three of your triplets heads and decorate her grave with them.

L Pablo: Is that so?
…
-That’s the most romantic thing I have probably ever heard of…!!!
(Visual: comical picture of L pablo shedding tears under his sunglasses.)
Reck Lesley: You don’t know a thing about romance, half demon…´
L Pablo: Ouch.
Bang Bang Bang!
(Visual: Shoots at ambushing rangers from the roof and from the windows of a building next to him)
-Hmm… There's something special in the air today don’t you think?
Reck: ?
L Pablo: I love a duel where personal grudges take the lead of the action. Without a single drop of distraction from the future or the past. Learned through passionate countless repetition.
/Reck Lesley: What are you waffling about?/ - Finely tuned unconscious movement fuelled by bubbling emotions from within. Battles filled with blows, charged by these emotions of unhealed aching scars from the past. I can throw away my professionalism and sink into that special feeling of nostalgia. That’s where I lose myself… Place where I truly feel free from everything. That emotion is what I call love.

• Can you relate to me on any level, Captain Lesley?

Reck Lesley: Are you ok? I can ride you home if you’re too drunk to do this?’
( Visual: Big amount of rangers pull up with horses standing behind Lesley)
Page 104.
Panel:
L Pablo: I’m expressing myself. You confused youth have got it all twisted and don’t even know…
-That it is a sign of power to be open about your emotions!
(Visual: L Pablo explodes with a huge powerful aura coming from his body)
VS
Panel:
Reck Lesley: Heheh, is that so? Let’s see what kind of emotions come up, once I cut deep into your twisted heart!
(Visual: Lesley and El diablo taking stance- ready to continue the battle.)

I was diagnosed with SIBO near the end of 2019 at about 21 years of age. I had just gone through a major surgery with which I was given heavy rounds of antibiotics. They told me it was IBS, bad food, food allergies and possibly Crohn's. I immediately knew it was none of those as those were all just symptoms of some greater gastrointestinal issue. I was passed around doctor to doctor and eventually took a lactose breath test, which ultimately diagnosed me with Constipational SIBO. I have previous posts regarding a thorough list of all my symptoms, but I can cover some here.
-Serious constipation after eating that didn't reduce or let up for days at a time. I know it's insensitive or whatever, but there's no other comparison other than that I looked like a pregnant woman.
-Unable to poop. When I did, the stool was malformed in crazy different shapes and textures like a clown was blowing ballon animals out the ass or something (you get my point).
-Uncontrollable belching, sounded like Chewbacca or like I was farting from my mouth. Inconvenient for being at work or dinner with friends/family.
-Acid reflux when laying down. Had to sleep inclined. Restless sleep.
-Drained of energy, mentally slow, brain fog.
-Bad breath that didn't go away from brushing and mouthwash.
-Face Bloat, swollen lymph nodes
-(VULGAR WARNING) My doctors dismissed this pretty quickly, but I should mention anyway for the guys reading and I'll be honest, I'm still not sure if its connected or not. My semen was very, very dry; no water to it at all, even though I had been drinking water. Dark, smelly pee as well.

• Farting was also somewhat uncontrollable. Farts were always wet and smelled like what I just ate. I didn't notice this at the time, but I could suck em right back up and it would come out the other end. Hence the Chewbacca sound effects. This was a big one, since I was insecure to be naked around my girlfriend out of fear of turning the bed sheets into a goddamn Hershey's chocolate wrapper. If you know, you know. It's also just embarrassing when one of em slides out on accident y'know? No matter where you are or who you're with, a fart is always embarrassing.

I did the rounds of antibiotics again (Rifaxin), but to no avail. I actually tried twice, a year apart from each other. I also tried herbal stuff in between, but that didn't work. It was crippling to the point of futility. I had nothing else left to do, but slow dance in my methane-filled room, stay at home and pick odd jobs that would help save face like working in the produce aisle in the back of a supermarket or do night shift at gas stations. FODMAP's helped a lot, but its not a permanent solution. More on that later. Basic Water, like 8+ ph levels, was only a temporary solution as well. For a long time, my diet was basically Green Plantains, a cup of Rice, half a Potato, eggs, heavy on the Meats and basically only salt for seasoning.
All this being said, if you made it this far, I've made progress both in life and in my SIBO journey. It was about this time when COVID hit, so everyone stayed indoors. It was here I learned the importance of self-improvement. This included meditation and listening to my body. Now that I was free to be alone, basically because we had to, I realized something. I asked myself, "What would happen if I just let my body function the way that it wanted to. Instead of being ashamed and having to hide the burping and the farting, what would happen if I just farted and burped? So I started taking walks, which turned into more vigorous exercise. I was actually pretty drained from just the stomach issues, but I pushed to see what would happen. It was here I realized I had slow gut motility and not only did the gas came out, but i also started going to the bathroom more regularly.
I started thinking in terms of societal norms, or rather the constraints of society. A long time ago, humans rarely ever had these problems because we walked everywhere. We also didn't have 9 to 5's that we had to maintain. I realized that stress was a big component too, or at least that it didn't help thinking about where and how I'm gonna get my next hustle. Anyway, I went down this rabbithole of ancestral lifestyle that may or may not have been partly influenced by The Liver King - if you know, you know.
To make a long story short, the biggest solution I've come across in my own personal experience is to drink about a gallon of water a day and to burp until your little heart can't take no more. I do belly rubs and push into my intestines with a combination of using my hands and breathing techniques. Making sure to breath from the nose and into the belly, not into the shoulders. I've learned to take time for myself and to take life slowly. As of right now, overnight I can turn a 36 waist into a 34 just by releasing gas. I combine this with whole foods and I pretty much make everything from scratch. No garlic, no onion, no gluten. I didn't know I was celiac until I got SIBO, but I'm not exactly sure if SIBO makes it worse or not. I advised my friends, who assumedly don't have any conditions, to go gluten-free and they felt better. If you're a guy, it helps the man-titties go away. I have good low-FODMAP recipes too, just ask.
My advice is if you're still reading this and you have a job, but are struggling with SIBO, then take a week off. Take a day or two for yourself to clear the brain fog and drink a lot of water. Start a meal prep for the rest of the week. This should take you literally all day. Get a chicken soup going with carrot and zucchini, a little bit of tomato paste with no garlic or onion. Check the ingredients. ON EVERYTHING. Download the Monash app on your phone, it's worth the 30 bucks. Most of all, push that gas out. I know it sucks and your throat might hurt a little after. But you'll feel like a shave-tailed Louie after one session. Imagine what would happen if you did that for 3, 4, 5 days in a row.
Conclusion, I still have SIBO. I'm working on it. I'm perfectly fine with the idea that it may never go away, I realize it wasn't my fault and there's no need to stress over it any further. I eat gluten-free and stay away from garlic and onion still, but besides that I eat what I want. At the end of the week I burp it all out. I haven't really tried for more than 3 or 4 consecutive days because it gets annoying and it hurts, but I imagine if I kept going I could conquer the world. I also realize theres a problem with the Ileocecal valve, which is exactly why I'm unable to pass the gas in my intestines out the butt. It's like a gate with a lock that lost its key. I haven't researched any further on the matter, but from what I read 3 or 4 years ago nobody knows what SIBO even is, how to fix it, or even if its a symptom of a larger issue. There are scholarly articles that may or may not tell you something useful that cost like 40 dollars. Not saying it's a waste of time, but I just don't want to cough that up if its not going to tell me anything I don't already know. That being said, if anyone has any useful information, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

This is just a little life update, since other people have responded to my previous posts from about three years ago from which I never responded back because I've been busy catching up on life. I will repost parts of this information here to other communities as it pertains to the subjects of IBS, SIBO, and FODMAPS.
I was diagnosed with SIBO near the end of 2019 at about 21 years of age. I had just gone through a major surgery with which I was given heavy rounds of antibiotics. They told me it was IBS, bad food, food allergies and possibly Crohn's. I immediately knew it was none of those as those were all just symptoms of some greater gastrointestinal issue. I was passed around doctor to doctor and eventually took a lactose breath test, which ultimately diagnosed me with Constipational SIBO. I have previous posts regarding a thorough list of all my symptoms, but I can cover some here.
-Serious constipation after eating that didn't reduce or let up for days at a time. I know it's insensitive or whatever, but there's no other comparison other than that I looked like a pregnant woman.
-Unable to poop. When I did, the stool was malformed in crazy different shapes and textures like a clown was blowing ballon animals out the ass or something (you get my point).
-Uncontrollable belching, sounded like Chewbacca or like I was farting from my mouth. Inconvenient for being at work or dinner with friends/family.
-Acid reflux when laying down. Had to sleep inclined. Restless sleep.
-Drained of energy, mentally slow, brain fog.
-Bad breath that didn't go away from brushing and mouthwash.
-Face Bloat, swollen lymph nodes
-(VULGAR WARNING) My doctors dismissed this pretty quickly, but I should mention anyway for the guys reading and I'll be honest, I'm still not sure if its connected or not. My semen was very, very dry; no water to it at all, even though I had been drinking water. Dark, smelly pee as well.

• Farting was also somewhat uncontrollable. Farts were always wet and smelled like what I just ate. I didn't notice this at the time, but I could suck em right back up and it would come out the other end. Hence the Chewbacca sound effects. This was a big one, since I was insecure to be naked around my girlfriend out of fear of turning the bed sheets into a goddamn Hershey's chocolate wrapper. If you know, you know. It's also just embarrassing when one of em slides out on accident y'know? No matter where you are or who you're with, a fart is always embarrassing.

I did the rounds of antibiotics again (Rifaxin), but to no avail. I actually tried twice, a year apart from each other. I also tried herbal stuff in between, but that didn't work. It was crippling to the point of futility. I had nothing else left to do, but slow dance in my methane-filled room, stay at home and pick odd jobs that would help save face like working in the produce aisle in the back of a supermarket or do night shift at gas stations. FODMAP's helped a lot, but its not a permanent solution. More on that later. Basic Water, like 8+ ph levels, was only a temporary solution as well. For a long time, my diet was basically Green Plantains, a cup of Rice, half a Potato, eggs, heavy on the Meats and basically only salt for seasoning.
All this being said, if you made it this far, I've made progress both in life and in my SIBO journey. It was about this time when COVID hit, so everyone stayed indoors. It was here I learned the importance of self-improvement. This included meditation and listening to my body. Now that I was free to be alone, basically because we had to, I realized something. I asked myself, "What would happen if I just let my body function the way that it wanted to. Instead of being ashamed and having to hide the burping and the farting, what would happen if I just farted and burped? So I started taking walks, which turned into more vigorous exercise. I was actually pretty drained from just the stomach issues, but I pushed to see what would happen. It was here I realized I had slow gut motility and not only did the gas came out, but i also started going to the bathroom more regularly.
I started thinking in terms of societal norms, or rather the constraints of society. A long time ago, humans rarely ever had these problems because we walked everywhere. We also didn't have 9 to 5's that we had to maintain. I realized that stress was a big component too, or at least that it didn't help thinking about where and how I'm gonna get my next hustle. Anyway, I went down this rabbithole of ancestral lifestyle that may or may not have been partly influenced by The Liver King - if you know, you know.
To make a long story short, the biggest solution I've come across in my own personal experience is to drink about a gallon of water a day and to burp until your little heart can't take no more. I do belly rubs and push into my intestines with a combination of using my hands and breathing techniques. Making sure to breath from the nose and into the belly, not into the shoulders. I've learned to take time for myself and to take life slowly. As of right now, overnight I can turn a 36 waist into a 34 just by releasing gas. I combine this with whole foods and I pretty much make everything from scratch. No garlic, no onion, no gluten. I didn't know I was celiac until I got SIBO, but I'm not exactly sure if SIBO makes it worse or not. I advised my friends, who assumedly don't have any conditions, to go gluten-free and they felt better. If you're a guy, it helps the man-titties go away.
My advice is if you're still reading this and you have a job, but are struggling with SIBO, then take a week off. Take a day or two for yourself to clear the brain fog and drink a lot of water. Start a meal prep for the rest of the week. This should take you literally all day. Get a chicken soup going with carrot and zucchini, a little bit of tomato paste with no garlic or onion. Check the ingredients. ON EVERYTHING. Download the Monash app on your phone, it's worth the 30 bucks. Most of all, push that gas out. I know it sucks and your throat might hurt a little after. But you'll feel like a shave-tailed Louie after one session. Imagine what would happen if you did that for 3, 4, 5 days in a row.
Conclusion, I still have SIBO. I'm working on it. I'm perfectly fine with the idea that it may never go away, I realize it wasn't my fault and there's no need to stress over it any further. I eat gluten-free and stay away from garlic and onion still, but besides that I eat what I want. At the end of the week I burp it all out. I haven't really tried for more than 3 or 4 consecutive days because it gets annoying and it hurts, but I imagine if I kept going I could conquer the world. I also realize theres a problem with the Ileocecal valve, which is exactly why I'm unable to pass the gas in my intestines out the butt. It's like a gate with a lock that lost its key. I haven't researched any further on the matter, but from what I read 3 or 4 years ago nobody knows what SIBO even is, how to fix it, or even if its a symptom of a larger issue. There are scholarly articles that may or may not tell you something useful that cost like 40 dollars. Not saying it's a waste of time, but I just don't want to cough that up if its not going to tell me anything I don't already know. That being said, if anyone has any useful information, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

-Ok, here me out: It was really f-ing hot today. Cool breeze did what it could, all things considered. Take this review with a grain of salt: as I may have been sodium-deficient during the show. It was really gnarly tho: Daniel Markham closed out the Karbach Love Street Stage at 4pm - just at peak asymptote with the waft of butt-crack port-a-potty and kettle-flavored corns & when your knees really let you know how dey feelin'. The inflatable and Giant LoveStreet beer can was no match for the sonic force that forced its presence into the otherwise-bare and plain atmosphere - taking the balloon can as victim like every one of those roadies on the way to the show.
The smart move was to grab a lemonade, and hopefully find a bit of shade, while this local Quintet powerfully laid, a down-right dirty-laundry, air-raid, boiler-room of a driving 45-min set - reminiscent of a season of REM shows in the dusty Atlanta backyards of the 1990's. Emotionally-speaking, there was a genuine connection when Markham made a half-joking explanation for each of the meanings of the song - by repeating the name of the song. I dunno if that helps the search-engine-optimization? His laid-back demeanor laide bare a contrast to the buzz-saw distorted lighting bolt of energy he brought to the stage. Luckily, the festival storm shelter was nearby; in the event one of the performers summoned the thunder Gods, we could seek shelter from any more cray cray stormy-(daniel markham's) whether in the parking structure >.<
Two guitars split melodies and played counterpoint to a helluva backline. The plaid-clad brothers were so synchronized they must have originally been Siamese twins who memorized and harmonized together. The ostensible ostinato during Heartbeat laid a pulse that subconsciously activated my toe-tapping and kept me moving. Keys played glue, wearing red 'n looking cool. Doesn't matter if its not true, people are talking about it now.
'Big Star' hits hard; however, its my LEAST Favorite Country Bar where some rotten a$$h0le ganked all gears a few years ago. This show was on Sunday and it was HOT; and we all start over sometimes, so I didn't do shit this 'Lazy Sunday' - the tune was cool, tho kinda busy if u ask me. I would also describe the way 'the way it goes' goes, but its kinda hard to describe the way it goes without hearing it first, ya feel me?
Bleep-bloop & Anywhoop, they played most (g-rated cuts) of the new album - 'Standing in the Rain' did not prove to be prophetic, despite DM's best summons.
I wasnt sure if I heard my Second Favorite song before, but I'll see if I dont find the record store on my way back down to the spot. Defibri-Ventillator was a throwback surprise and the only "Classic" cut of the show as i recall. Mind you, my gonzo-ass melting pot was half in the bag in a puddle of my own making: u know how it go - sweat gon' flow. The "Sky is a Fire" echoed back to those west-Texas canyon coyotes - who came spilling-out fast; when Ralph's and the Thrift Store closed some years back.
This show was great - they are great - Catch them if you can, while you can, when you can, etc. YT for a new music vid and he just dropped a new album the other day. We drove in just for their set and it was worth it. Debate potential DMB band names in the comments??
P.S. Something must be growing well in Richardson, because your Wildflower was well-run and folks were friendly, the Texas way as they s-blah blah blah I'm just kidding.
We're all in this together - might as well dance or something.
P.P.S Aaand, I got fired today. No regrets, but I'd better stop editing before things get drunk and sloopy.

I have been fuming about this incident that happened Friday night and I have not been able to get out all my frustrations to my friends and family. So here you go Reddit, this is in hopes I can finally put these feelings to rest.
Me (21F), my boyfriend (22M) and another couple we’re friends with went to a concert that featured Walk the Moon and the Goo Goo Dolls. My state doesn’t have a lot of performers who come out to do big concerts so when they do come, there is always a huge turnout. The four of us found the perfect spot in the crowd, close enough to see the performers but also with a quick route out to use the bathroom. We have our drinks and we’re having a good time. Walk the Moon opens and then the Goo Goo Dolls take the stage. About 30 mins into their performance, this couple comes up behind me and my boyfriend, next to the family behind us. Me and my boyfriend are attached at the hip, holding up our arms together, wrapping, dancing, etc.
Some time passes and I can kind of make out the words “Dude, you keep elbowing my tits” from the woman. My boyfriend asked “What?”, looked to the guy, and the guy avoided eye contact with him. At that point, my boyfriend said that he had only bumped into her shoulder once, which I trust his word but I also knew that we weren’t close enough to them because not once did I bump into her.
In an effort to rectify the situation, my boyfriend asked for me to move a little over, which I complied with. We were trying to get our friends to see if we could move away from this couple but it was too tightly packed. So we were stuck there. Trying to keep the good vibes going, I was cheering, had my arms up, just trying to dance and have fun.
30 mins or so later, I hear her say “Girl, I can literally smell your armpits.” I turn to her incredulously (upset) because I could not believe she was complaining about BO in a concert that’s being hosted outdoors on a tropical, humid island. I gestured to the edge of the crowd twice, told her “You can go, you can leave”. When I pointed to the edge of the crowd, I brushed her shoulders and she said “Don’t touch me”. I said “I ain’t tryin to touch you” and turned my lil butt around. I kept my arms up for 3-4 songs after that out of pure spite. We ignored them from then on and they left an hour later.
Later on, because I did feel self conscious about her comment, I asked my boyfriend to smell test me. He checked and the only way that she could have smelled me was if her face was 2 inches away from my armpits.
After debriefing with my boyfriend, we came to the conclusion that she was harassing us for little to no reason. Some of the things we thought were strange in their behavior was the simple fact they did not try to move or leave after the supposed elbowing. My boyfriend took it on himself to make space between us and this couple. I full heartedly believe that if anyone believed that they were getting inappropriately touched, they would move. Especially if their partner was there. Not once did they make an effort to move. Also, it was an extremely big crowd. There is bound to be occasional bumps between people. My drink was bumped a couple times, I bumped into others, everyone did. If you did not want to be in a packed section of the crowd, you could just as easily move closer to the outskirts where it was less populated and not be bumped into. Also, her guy said and did nothing about what she was trying to say.
As for her comment about my armpits, I really believe she was just trying to find something to complain about to get me and my boyfriend’s attention again (more likely my boyfriend if we’re being honest). There was no need to make such a comment at a literal outdoor concert where everyone’s sweat mixes. It was an attempt to embarrass me. In front of who? I couldn’t begin to say.
At the end of the day, I’m more upset that she tried to make my boyfriend look like he was harassing her to do something as perverse as copping a feel. Her man didn’t even try to stand up for her and back what she was saying. We had our hands on each other the whole time and nothing untoward happened with everyone else that we were surrounded by.
If you end up seeing this and you know who you are, making that kind of a lie on someone else’s name will get you all kinds of bachi.