Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

The main events take place in the summer of 2023, but before that there’s some pretty crucial information you need to know.
Many moons ago, three or four years before I was forced to live with the burden of knowing my dear friend, some shit went down.
Sophomore year of high school, Heather and my now boyfriend Tony were besties with another girl, that I will call Jane (the sweetest person I’ve ever met, by the way). At some point, Jane and her boyfriend went on a break, and Heather decided, for some reason to this day unknown, to try and sext her best friend’s ex boyfriend. I say “try” because he never really indulged her, which made the whole situation all the more embarrassing. Heather, however, lacking self-awareness and critical thinking skills, decided to keep this up for over five months, after which Jane and her ex got back together, and he told her everything. Contrary to Heather, Jane decided to be a good friend and wait for Heather to come clean about her actions without revealing she already knew everything.
And so she waited. But Heather never said anything.
Keep this in mind, it’ll be important later.
Fast forward to February 2022, yours truly is introduced on the scene by becoming Heather’s roommate during our first year of college. Surprisingly we got along pretty well, we became really close friends in a very short time. She was also the extroverted one (also important) of the two and really helped me come out of my shell, so for a while I was really grateful to her. Anyway, throughout the three months we lived together she was constantly talking about her friends Tony and Jane from back home, but especially referring to Jane as her best friend, the only one that really knew her and that she really trusted.
Her friend Tony was also a very popular topic in conversations, and the reason she convinced me to visit her home country that summer, which resulted in us dating but I will spare you the details of that because it’s a different story (although a good one too).
The summer ends. She moves back to her country, I go back to mine, now pursuing two long distance relationships, the one with my boyfriend and the one with my only friend. So, in January 2023 plan a trip there with Tony but I decide not to tell Heather, and to let it be a surprise instead.
This is where the thing I told you to remember comes back for the first time, and I get front row seats for this years-long conflict finally unraveling.
Jane decided she had enough of waiting for her friend to become decent and slowly started growing apart from Heather, who had actually started the fight by accusing Jane of ignoring her.
When asked about the reasons for her behavior, some of Heather’s responses were, and I kid you not, “BRO I HAD A PLAN” and “IT’S LITERALLY NOT MY PROUDEST MOMENT”.
So. Yeah. Needless to say, they stopped being friends.
Now, for some reason, Heather decided to start this fight on the groupchat with my boyfriend, which meant I had access to everything, and after learning about everything I started to question my friend’s actions for the first time. Like, yes I knew she was a bit stubborn, and annoying, but who isn’t. Betraying someone you have talked about multiple times as your best friend and then lying about it for years, however?
But I decided to put my worries aside for the moment and just be more careful around her before I actually formed an opinion. I also had never met Jane before so at that point it probably wouldn’t have been my place to intervene.
During my trip, I get the idea to plan a surprise party for Tony in the summer and I share it with Heather who seems on board and ready to help.
That aside, the rest of my visit was pretty uneventful up until my last day there.
It being my last day, I wanted to spend it with all my friends, so me, Tony, and Heather met up at a mall to hang out. After a while, I noticed Heather looking pretty down so I asked her if she was alright. She told me she was feeling a bit worried because she got the impression that Tony was growing more distant from her. She revealed to me that this actually already happened before, during Tony’s last relationship, and she was scared it was going to happen again. “And I’m so sorry for involving you like this but do you think you could talk to him for me?”
Now, you have to know Tony and her were never the best of friends; he’s always been closer to Jane than he was with her, simply because they don’t have many things in common. Heather also had the habit of constantly bringing up his ex in my presence, by making weird comparisons with me about literally anything. “Oh, you’re dyeing your hair red? Tony’s ex also dyed her hair red for a while. Omg your eyeliner is so good, you know Tony’s ex actually—”
No. I do, in fact, not know and I would like to keep it that way.
So when she mentioned his ex, being the idiot that I am, I felt so bad because I somehow assumed it was my fault, that I distracted him from his friends with my psychic evil girlfriend powers and therefore it was my responsibility to fix it.
So in May, I start planning Tony’s birthday party and Heather decided that for some reason it was her job to invite people and plan activities and literally plan the whole fucking party actually. She kept making suggestions I knew he would hate and inviting people he outright said he couldn’t stand, until I had enough and was forced to put my foot down. I let her invite her boyfriend and a friend of hers and handled the rest myself. In the meantime, I contacted Jane. Because unlike Heather, I know my boyfriend well enough to understand who his friends are so I always knew Jane was going to make the list, which I anticipated to Heather back in February. Her response was something along the lines of, “It’s okay for me if it’s okay for her”, which I thought was good enough. After all, I wasn’t expecting them to chat like nothing had happened but I assumed they would both be mature enough to put their differences aside for their friend’s sake.
The day of the party comes and Heather and I get there early to set things up, and when we’re in the bathroom doing our makeup she goes, “Hey, this might be a weird question but did Jane mention if she was bringing anyone?”.
This is where I might have been a bit of a bitch. Because Jane did actually ask me if she could bring her boyfriend, the same guy from the story that keeps coming back, and she even apologized for that, but knowing there were going to be three couples at the party already, including Heather and her own boyfriend, I didn’t even think twice before saying yes. However, I also failed to mention that to Heather until the day of the party.
When she found out, she was gone. Completely lost the plot, would not hear reason. She spent the whole evening sitting on the couch next to her boyfriend, with her back to the rest of the party, ignoring everyone else unless they asked her a question directly or forced her into conversation. After the umpteenth failed attempt of including her I felt so guilty I went to cry in the bathroom thinking I had ruined my boyfriend’s party because Heather was not having fun.
Days later, when all of this turned into a paragraph fight via text, instead of apologizing she kept attacking Tony for being rude to her and not understanding that she is very introverted and has “major anxiety”, and that was the reason why she didn’t even try to celebrate his birthday with him once throughout the night. Something I found hard to believe as I had been in that position before, while she was the one to help me out of it, introducing me to new people. So I am well aware of what it means to feel out of place, which is why I tried my best that night, and I also know that if she really wanted to do more, she would’ve.
During the fight, I finally had the opportunity to really talk to Jane for the first time and finding out about some things Heather did to her while they were friends reminded me of something else she did to me.

Back in November 2022, I got on birth control. Naturally I texted my friend, telling her about it.
Her response was, and I quote: “I have a theory. I’ve noticed a pattern where all of Tony’s girlfriends (ex and you) have started taking birth control since dating him soooo he either forced the girls or the girls don't care about STDs and accidental pregnancies. And the side effects obv.”
So I brought this back up during our fight. She tried to deny and to claim she was simply in “shock” because of my sudden interest in birth control, but I sent her back the proof of how she ignored everything I was trying to tell her only to keep trying to prove her hypotheses. My message said: “I was excited because I had done my research, I found a gyno and I went on my own and I texted you knowing that I couldn't share that excitement with my mother so I thought my friend would understand but instead you just came up with conspiracy theories about Tony forcing his girlfriends to get on BC or his girlfriends not caring about accidental pregnancies which was extremely insulting and I still don't know what your intention was because if you were joking it wasn't funny. I was being really vulnerable and you just basically chastised me. I can understand not agreeing but there's ways and ways to say that, you can still be happy and supportive while disagreeing, which was not what you did at all.”
She apologized but also said “I’m sorry you felt that way”. I decided to leave it at that and forget about it.
A couple of weeks later she angrily texted me wondering why I didn’t wish her a happy birthday.
So, AITA?

Christians. Satan has you right where he wants you
He's got you convinced that you only have to profess that you love God. (1 John 5;2-3)
He's got you convinced that you are saved by grace through faith "alone" (Ephesians 2:5, 8-10) (James 2:24)
He's got you convinced that the Ten Commandments are good... but we don't need to keep the Sabbath holy anymore. (Genesis 2:1-3) (Exodus 20:8) (Exodus 31;13,16-17) (Deut. 5-12) (Isaiah 58-13)
He's got you convinced as he did Eve, "Did YHWH really say 81 times in the scriptures to obey his commandments?" (pretty much the whole bible)
He's got you convinced that you can enter the kingdom by just saying "Lord Lord" (Matthew 7:21-23)
He's got you convinced that the Pharisees to the Torah that was given to Moses ( Matthew 15:1-9) (Mark 7:1-9)
He's got you convinced that YHWHs holy, just, and good Torah is a curse (Duet. 27:3,26) (Proverbs 6:23, 29;18) (Isaiah 30:9) (Psalm 119)
He's got you convinced that only the Mosiac covenant is done away with, but all the others still stand (Genesis 12:1-3) (Jeremiah 32:40) (2 Samuel 7:8-29) (Matthew 5:17) (Revelation 21:1-4)
He's got you convinced that "now that Yeshua has come and gone, YHWH doesn't care what you eat and celebrate and how you live your life (Leviticus 11) (Leviticus 23) (1 John 2:3-6) (Revelation 22:14)
He's got you convinced that if you obey the commandments, then Yeshua's sacrifice was not enough for you (Leviticus 11) (Leviticus 23) (1 John 2:3-6) (Revelation 22:14)
He's got you convinced that all those before Yeshua were saved by their works of the Torah (Acts 15:10-11)
He's got you convinced that it is impossible to keep YHWH's commandments (Deut. 30:11, 14) (Jeremiah 31:31-33) ( Ezekiel 36:24-27) (1 John 5:3)
He's got you convinced that obedience is not required to validate faith (James 2:21-24)
He's got you convinced that the gospel message in the Old Testament is different than what is in the New (Deut. 18:15) ( Isaiah 2:3) (Galatians 3:8)
He's got you convinced that you are not twisting Paul's words to your own destruction (Romans 3:31, 7:25) (Acts 25:7-8) (2 Peter 3:15-16)
He's got you convinced that YHWH will not reject you if you reject his torah (Psalm 119:118)
He's got you convinced that you don't have to obey for YHWH to hear your prayers (Proverbs 28:9)
He's got you convinced that the torah was nailed to the cross and destroyed forever ( psalm 119:142) (Matthew 5:17-20)
And he's got you convinced that Isreal and the church are two separate entities of YHWH's chosen people (Exodus 19:6) (Romans 9:6) (Romans 11:16-24) (1 Peter 2:9)
Please read the scriptures mentioned before arguing.
Have a good day

I hope you are doing better today than yesterday. (TLDR at the end; or enjoy my story :) )

Why:

About 11 months ago, I launched my app for the first time on lonely because I had previously experienced loneliness myself during grad school. I wanted to reach out to people going through similar experiences by providing them with what would’ve helped me in the past.
I felt this was an important mission for me and a much more rewarding one than my day job that I quit my job to work on the app full-time.
It was necessary because I did not come from a programming background. I knew how to program in the sense of running scientific simulations on MATLAB, but creating the front-end and back-end for a consumer app was totally new to me, so I had to learn from scratch.
I enjoyed everyday going to a cafe to learn from programming crash courses on YouTube, developing the app little by little, and eventually launching the app! The initial response was actually pretty great: 220 upvotes for the app launch post, which I proudly pinned in my bio :)

How:

I made the app to be based on voice, and nothing else: no profiles, no profile photos, and even no texts. The reason for that was I felt a lot of people felt lonely and had trouble finding meaningful online connections because of the modern communication medium which actually promotes superficial and viral contents over authentic and long-form contents. It is easy to see from examples: TikTok’s 30 second videos, Instagram’s eye-popping photos by beautiful people from the globe, and Twitter(X)’s 140-char spicy takes. Sure, these platforms offer us information about DIYs, trends, and news that can enrich our lives and entertain us, but they don’t by all means help us feel more connected to individuals. Even on Reddit, the contents tend to be more wholesome and there are hilarious comments that build on top of each other, but the actual sense of connection you feel with the users is tenuous.
Focusing on voice worked! It was incredible listening to the heartfelt messages from strangers from all over the world who opened up about their loneliness and didn’t mind being vulnerable to other strangers. I have personally spoke with everyone that came by. The 14k minutes of voice messages do not include my own voice messages; they are all messages that people left for their own posts, to each other, or as replies to me.

Highlights:

There were some incredible moments, which would be too long to share in this post (leave a comment if you want to hear more!), but some of the highlights were (note: these are all from public conversations):

• Lady in New Brunswick, Canada was extremely depressed after a difficult divorce and felt being on the life’s edge. She was getting scammed left and right on dating apps and was losing hope. She told me that I was the only one that she felt she could trust and talk to, and she probably wouldn’t be here if I ever stopped talking to her. Thankfully, she eventually managed to find a boyfriend and she thanked me for having always been there for her. She still came back to the app to act as a supporter for other lonely souls for a while!
• Gentleman in New York, USA felt isolated in a farm and felt he had no real connections with anyone. He shared with me and other users about his life growing various vegetables, but stopped coming on the app for a couple of months. When he came back, he was pleasantly surprised by the app’s development, felt I really believed in my mission to help lonely souls, and became an evangelist for my app :) He posted on several forums on Reddit and engaged in conversations with many users on the app.

What was also incredible was that there were not only people experiencing loneliness here, but also people who did not feel lonely but were on the app to support others going through loneliness. They would share stories and studies related to loneliness in their posts, and also try to talk to some lonely folks on the app who seemed very hardened by their experience of loneliness which made them cynical and pessimistic. The concept of compassionate listening by Thich Nhat Hanh and Polyvagal theory that explains 3 levels of our nervous system are a few things they mentioned that come to my mind. Unfortunately, these efforts by supporters were often, so to speak, ineffective in solving people’s loneliness.

What I learned:

And that was part of what made it so hard to have a sustainable ecosystem on my app: many people who have been lonely for a long period of time had their personalities and social skills hardened to the point that they either:

• did not know how to engage with others by understanding social cues and sharing stories about themselves that allow themselves to be vulnerable to others, which allows for deeper social connections
• felt they are never good enough, they are stuck in their situation, and there is nothing that can help them get better. Any help or suggestions offered by others would only work on others and did not apply to them.

My hope for the app was to help people who experience loneliness find and support each other. By providing the platform for them to voice out their stories, have them be heard by others, and find others who resonate and reply, I thought they would finally find friends whom they can relate to, share their lives with, and would no longer have to feel lonely again.
However, the reality was that many were hardened by loneliness and it was hard for such connections to materialize. Plus, one of the main ways for an app like this to grow is by word of mouth. Unfortunately, most people experiencing loneliness did not have anyone to share the app with, which stunted the app’s growth and mostly depended on me manually bringing users onto the platform.
With fewer chances of having good interactions, even the people who really resonated with the app and shared stories slowly stopped coming back. Some just suddenly ghosted, which made the experience on the app painful for other engaged people on the app.

My hope for the future:

I still believe that there are more people out there experiencing loneliness who have the deep desire to share their stories and find the long-term friends across the globe who understand each other and can share slices of their lives with.
So, if you are someone that can benefit from sharing stories and solve your loneliness this way, feel free to check out my app at https://bubblic.app
Also, if you know of any way I can improve the app to better help people experiencing loneliness, please leave a comment.
Lastly, word of mouth would really help. If you like the app, or if you know someone who would benefit from the app, please share it with others!

TLDR:

I created an app focused on voice communication to help lonely people connect, inspired by my own experiences. Despite an encouraging start and meaningful interactions, many users struggled to form lasting connections due to the deep impact of their loneliness. Growth has been slow, mainly reliant on my efforts. If you know someone who might benefit, please share my app: https://bubblic.app. Feedback is also welcome! Tech stack used:
Backend

• AWS Websocket, DynamoDB, Cognito, S3, Lambda

AI

• WhisperX model running on laptop locally

Frontend

• Flutter

Gut Instincts & Intuition vs Anxiety/ROCD
A lot of us spend time wondering whether its our OCD or gut talking to us. Sometimes we can feel our anxiety in our gut- literally. But this doesn’t mean it’s our “gut instinct”
I wanted to offer a perspective that I’ve gained during my healing journey.
First- intuition requires mental clarity. The opposite of clarity is anxiety or OCD. You have no access to your intuition in the midst of ocd/anxiety.
Anyway, I saw this video of Maddison Beer. She was talking about how she used her intuition to realize her ex was not the one. I found it hilarious when she said that (no hate.) it was funny because before saying it was her intuition that “guided” her- she was going through list of red flags she had noticed. He was awful to her, would only see her at night, etc. I’m so sorry but Maddison did not have a premonition. She had common sense. It was CLEAR as DAY. That this man was no good.
My point here is the word intuition is overused now. People don’t even know what they’re talking about when they use it. Be mindful of when you think of what the word refers to, for yourself and when others use it.
Here is a better example of gut feeling.
If there was a tiger walking by you, your gut instinct would tell you “$hit thats a tiger, run!”
Your ROCD/anxiety is more like - “ I think I saw a tiger out of the corner of my eye? I’m not sure. Maybe that was a tiger. Maybe I should run I’m not sure if there was actually a tiger.”
It’s an instinct or an intuition you will KNOW that there is a tiger. You’re not spending time worrying if the tiger is a nice tiger, or if the tiger was really there, or if the tiger saw you…
I really really hope this makes sense.
Also I make posts like this all the time and invite you too as well, I usually leave them on MindfulRelationships. Feel free to join.

This will be a touch long.
To the maggot being wretched behind me, talking shit and trying to be a bully at the beginning of Zingara, you’re not worth the air all the good people around you breathe and I hate that you got to me. That was not head banging music, everyone else on the rail was vibing and chilling. I tried to make space for you so that you’d leave me alone and you insisted on staying behind me to be a POS. I was waiting for Ghengars set with an already ripped neck from the night before, wanting to see him from center rail and you were an absolute ASS. You near ruined my third day, thankfully, the surrounding people are beautiful and worth more than you’ll ever be and back in VIP, Ghengars set was still phenomenal and the people made it so much better.
To the person I unintentionally shoved on my way rushing out of Basspod as I was trying to escape, my sincerest apologies. I was livid and trying not to get violent with the slimy scum behind me. I felt horrible and was on an anger path, just know I thought of you the rest of the night. I hope you had a beautiful weekend! 🖤🩶🤍
Thank you too to all the beautiful people who checked on me as well. I have horrid anger issues. My emotions were high, I was angry, mad, upset, defeated…one asshole was not worth being thrown out of an event and that anger had to go other places, (again, apologies to the person I accidentally shoved) so if you saw me crying just inside VIP and you stopped to check, I love you, and may the world show you nothing but joy and happiness. 🖤🩶🤍
You never know a persons situation, and sure, he may have been drugged up or simply just a prick, but that gives NO ONE the right to be a cunt to someone else. If you can’t make the rail, sit/stand and enjoy the music from where you can. I had my first shitty experience with someone in all my time raving, and while it got to me and the moment was messy, he cannot change that everyone else was wonderful. Kind souls, smiles all around and people who check on you to make sure you are okay. So for everyone who comes to complain about PLUR being dead, try to look outside your bubble and don’t let one grimey person be the poster child for rave behavior.

In response to several comments I've seen about how Murphy's Law always hits homesteaders hard, I offer the Parable of the Farm Hand Who Could Sleep Thru A Storm.
I first heard this story huddled around a fire at a YMCA summer camp. It was so meaningful to me that I've never forgotten it. Though I sometimes failed, I've tried my best to apply it throughout my business, farm, and home life.
The Parable of the Farm Hand Who Could Sleep Through A Storm
There was a farmer who struggled to provide a living for his family and knew he had to expand his herds and fields to make more money. He found himself in need of a competent worker who would see that the animals were properly cared for and always be reliable in doing his work.
When interviewing candidates for the job, he met a young man who just didn’t appear to be the type for the job. “What are your qualifications for this job?” asked the farmer.
The young man answered, “well...,I can sleep through a storm.”
The farmer needed dependable help so he told the young man no thanks and hired someone else. But the farmer found it difficult to keep trustworthy farm hands and after several failed hires, the young man who could sleep through a storm came back. The farmer looked him over and asked him again, “Why should I give you this job?”
The young man answered, “I can sleep through a storm.”
That didn’t make much sense to the farmer and alarmed him some, but he was desperate for help, so he hired the young man. Not long afterward, a terrible storm came up during the middle of the night. The worried farmer went to get the young man to check on the animals. The farm hand’s cabin was near the barn. No lights were on in his cabin and there was no evidence that he was up checking on things.
The farmer desperately banged on the door and when a sleepy eyed young man finally came to the door, the farmer was livid, “Don’t you hear the storm raging out here? Why aren’t taking care my farm, you idiot?!?”
The young man yawned and calmly replied, “Oh, I told you, I can sleep through a storm.”
Furious, the farmer ran to the barn where he found the barn doors securely shut, the animals had been fed, watered and locked in their stalls. Then the farmer ran about the farm in the wind and rain to find that the farm tools had been placed in the storage shed, safe from the elements. The tractor had been moved into its garage. The shutters of the farmhouse had been securely fastened. A good supply of logs had been set next to the fireplace. The bales of straw and hay had been bound and wrapped in tarpaulins.
All was well except that the farmer was cold, wet, and tired. The farmer walked back to his house as the wind and rain continued to beat down upon him. He sat down on the porch, pouring water from his boots as he took them off. The farmer was physically and emotionally drained, but now he understood the meaning of the young man's words, "I can sleep through a storm."
Because the farmhand did his work loyally and faithfully when the skies were clear, he was prepared for any storm. When the storm did actually strike, he was not concerned or afraid. He could sleep through the storm.

It all started with a dream night, the end of which was the end of my world. It was 8:00 pm the full moon and the weather was a little cool, rainy and wet my hair, it was the end of spring, and we would enter the dark autumn a little bit pleasant, so California had the last celebration of spring, let's say the last celebration of my life. It was a celebration in the middle of the city, the streets were closed and there were lights. There were also fireworks that night. I couldn't believe I was sleeping or waking up with a friend of mine, Alex, who was late, had called him, didn't pick up his phone, I thought I'd have a drink while Alex was coming, I walked into the party, it was so crowded, it was like I was being crushed between two trucks, but it was worth it. Everyone was wearing a costume for someone they loved. I was a gamer، I wore a hitman suit with a red tie and a mask that showed my head bald with a barcode tattoo that I had behind me، just like Agent 47 and a silencer gun that wasn't real but very much like the real one on my back. I like it and doesn't bother me. On the contrary, most people who don't like clothes that are tight and they look stifling to them, by the way, I said that the red tie reminds me of blood I like blood, but not like a vampire to drink it. My drink was ready because I had ordered a special one, and it took a while until Alex arrived, I told him why you didn't answer your phone, he said I was in the crowd, I didn't hear him, I told him he was drinking, he said, "Yeah, I ordered a drink for Alex, like me, and they were going to start the fireworks for another hour, I didn't drink much because I wanted to remember the fireworks that night. I don't know why I had a feeling that it would be the last fireworks of my life, we talked to Alex for about half an hour before we went to school because I was interested in basketball, and I was on the school team, and I wanted the future career to be basketball, but Alex wasn't very interested in basketball and he just watched my games. One day when he came to watch me play he gave me so much energy that we won the game that we were 50 points behind and it was impossible to win, Alex would have been a joy and savior for me and I would have been a depressed person without him. On the one hand, the memories of the past were really beautiful and on the other hand, sad that they are over and are not going to come back Alex and I know each other from high school. People say college friends stay for you and high school friendships don't last, but they are wrong because Alex and I were so tight that we could say that we couldn't be separated once we were in seventh grade, Alex and I were in the seventh grade. We were talking a lot in class when the teacher took us out of the classroom and said that because they talk a lot about each other, I want to take your classes apart and it's not your first time we've asked her not to, but she didn't pay attention to us. And we talked to our mother to come and talk to our teacher, and finally they could satisfy it, but even if they couldn't, I wouldn't have been able to tell them that much.It was serious for me that I was even willing to change our schools Somehow, if it wasn't for Alex, I wouldn't be there either. Reviewing these memories gave me a good feeling, but after that Alex told me that Ash's life was coming to an end. Cursed fireworks. My hand went to the trigger, but my gun was not real, and I killed my best friend without realizing it (that's why I shot at that time because the sound of the gun didn't come out and people didn't notice, I know my gun had a silencer, but it doesn't do anything wrong) When the fireworks were over, I couldn't see the crowd anymore, I didn't know why, until a voice whispered in my ear saying, "get up, it's over, you won." The game was real and memorable. That night was the last night in the world for me because I have never found another game like this game, but all the details were observed and all my memories were true. I said to myself that this game should not read my subconscious mind and this happened. Really, until this thought came to my mind, I entered another place of the game again, as if I had entered a new stage and I had to kill another person. I was stuck in the game and time had no meaning for me anymore. I had no way back except to search. I could go out there. After completing one of the 10 stages, I heard a voice in my ear again, as if it was saying that I made you, you are one of the characters in the game. I realized there that I was just a game bot and my home was right here and my creator was so right that for once I experienced the feeling of a human being.The creator of the game shut down the game servers forever because every game has a death time and I had been living for many years but I didn't know that I died that night but the memory that my creator has of me is enough because that reason makes me I think I'm still alive

A lot of us spend time wondering whether its our OCD or gut talking to us. Sometimes we can feel our anxiety in our gut- literally. But this doesn’t mean it’s our “gut instinct”
I wanted to offer a perspective that I’ve gained during my healing journey.
First- intuition requires mental clarity. The opposite of clarity is anxiety or OCD. You have no access to your intuition in the midst of ocd/anxiety.
Anyway, I saw this video of Maddison Beer. She was talking about how she used her intuition to realize her ex was not the one. I found it hilarious when she said that (no hate.) it was funny because before saying it was her intuition that “guided” her- she was going through list of red flags she had noticed. He was awful to her, would only see her at night, etc. I’m so sorry but Maddison did not have a premonition. She had common sense. It was CLEAR as DAY. That this man was no good.
My point here is the word intuition is overused now. People don’t even know what they’re talking about when they use it. Be mindful of when you think of what the word refers to, for yourself and when others use it.
Here is a better example of gut feeling.
If there was a tiger walking by you, your gut instinct would tell you “$hit thats a tiger, run!”
Your ROCD/anxiety is more like - “ I think I saw a tiger out of the corner of my eye? I’m not sure. Maybe that was a tiger. Maybe I should run I’m not sure if there was actually a tiger.”
It’s an instinct or an intuition you will KNOW that there is a tiger. You’re not spending time worrying if the tiger is a nice tiger, or if the tiger was really there, or if the tiger saw you…
I really really hope this makes sense.
Also I make posts like this all the time and invite you too as well, I usually leave them on MindfulRelationships. Feel free to join.

I'll start off by saying I don't want to sit here and write a post of another failed set of parents, but, alas, I have nobody else I can speak to about this that would really understand. I've found therapists do be rather unhelpful and I truly have trust issues with people. I've kept a lot of this inside for my life and at this point I think I just need to somehow let it out instead of punching holes in walls or screaming in anger randomly. Maybe writing it here would help me sleep a full night or be a little happier in life?
Either way, I would genuinely appreciate hearing your take on this for those who have experienced a similar past. I'm not looking for sympathy, but a possible path that I can take in getting rid of this hate I have inside of me for good.
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By the age of 13 I had already been living with different friends for months and months with no idea where or what my mother was doing. I went to school but only when I wanted to, otherwise I would wander around and skateboard on the streets until it was time to go 'home'. She would randomly show up in her beat up 80s Honda accord with everything she owned in the backseat to see me once in a BLUE moon. Never once did she speak with my friends parents or caretakers about me, just assumed I would worm my way into another family and their life and become another mouth to feed with no explanation. As a kid you don't really see it from an adults perspective, but as an adult you know there's a failed adult behind this child in your home.
I knew the situation wasn't ideal, but I was living with my best friend at the time for a while as a kid. Every night was video games with your best bud, how bad can life be?
My mother was 17 when she had me, and 16 when she had my brother both with the same guy. I never knew my brother, he was given away because either she was too young or she didn't want him. I spoke with him a few times on social media, but nothing more. I don't use any social media so any contact I did have is gone. He didn't know I existed until I had reached out and has never spoken with our blood parents.
Super mommy did it all. Drank whatever and whenever she could, frequently used drugs (even sold them to my friends who were in middle school for a couple of bucks), fist fought anyone that upset her (including men and myself at a certain age) and was always the victim in these scenarios. She hadn't been this way for as long as I knew her, but majority of the time it was. She had a temper like no other and felt like it was "her" superpower. When it reality it's just a weakness that everyone gets to experience firsthand, either verbally or physically depending on the day. "You can fuck with mean, but you can't fuck with crazy!" she'd say, moments before road raging with a stranger at midnight in the middle of nowhere.
When my 'step' father (the man who raised me most of my life and I love with everything I have) had heard of my situation living abroad, he didn't hesitate to pick me up and take me to a better place in an entirely different part of the country. He and my mother didn't see eye to eye on much after I was about 4 years old, but he always stuck around in the same town we lived in to be around me. Eventually he went back to his hometown when she severed communication between he and I. Only through the grapevine did he hear about me and what I was doing. A few days later he had driven across the US day and night to pick me up, give that family money, thanked them and took me away.
The last time I spoke with my mother was when she took me out for some new shoes for my 14th birthday making promises left and right, while again sitting in her car with everything she had in the backseat. It was just another day with this human who couldn't help but do drugs and lie to me. I already knew I wouldn't be here in a few days and when she came back to see me, I was gone.
I lived in this new home and it actually felt like one with my Dad (step dad but he was my DAD). A few years of having a HOME was surreal and I think I took it for granted, because that too came to an end. I was just starting college and that's when parent #2 came into my life.
Meet Bio-dad! He was once only a few blurry pictures from many years past and tales from my shaman mother. Naturally I was always curious about him, and one day we were in contact with one another. Somehow he managed to find me, even though he had been paying child support for most of my life. He flew out to meet me, and a few months later I somehow decided moving across the country to live with him was a swell idea.
I thought this might have been it, finally, the blood I thought I always wanted in my life. But just a few months in I realized he was no better than her. He was successful and worked hard, but that doesn't mean he's a good person let alone a father. I never called him Dad or Father purely because I was a young adult now and didn't need another figure like that in my life, let alone from someone I barely knew. He was on marriage 2 or 3 with step kids and I just felt like I was 13 years old again in another strange house. I was told he spent a long time trying to find me when he was paying child support but was never able to. I believed him at first, and sometime later many divorced fathers told me that probably isn't be true.
It felt like he was constantly angry or upset at something. His wife, the kids, the dogs, the pool, whatever he was annoyed with everyone else was obligated to agree or veer away. He often found ways to make himself out to be the hardest worker and nothing matters but how many hours you clock in your worksheet. He "wished he could work 40 hours a week". After a few months of everyone arguing, yelling and finger pointing over little nothings each day, I decided I didn't need this kind of stress in my life and left to live in my small truck for a few weeks until I found a room to rent on my own and start my adult life.
Over the years he's tried to stay in contact with me but I never really gave much back to him if at all. I have no interest in knowing him, but his insistent attempts to contact me with 'family is important' yada yada makes my blood boil. I have no blood family as far as I care to know. I'm on the latter half of this life and I simply don't see the point in trying to establish these relationships because we have the same grandparents or blood. Why would I EVER try to put myself into that situation again? For family? Something I really don't value or care about?
The last couple of years I went from never thinking about these humans to frequently finding myself shaking from anger and distracted in life from what I want to actually do and accomplish. I feel like I'm stuck on this chapter and I really, really need to move on from it. I thought just ignoring it would work, but alas as time goes on I get random phone calls and texts from people I used to know trying to get in contact with me. I know who they are, and I know who they're speaking for, but I don't ever give them the satisfaction of even responding.
So here I am, wondering what I should do. Do I call both of them (keep in mind I don't think they've spoken since the early 90s) and let each person individually know that I'd rather watch them suffer in life than to spend time with them? I don't even want them to know where I am, what I'm doing or what I sound like. Do I write them an email, pray they know what that even is and hope they understand I don't care for them?
I considered getting hypnotized so I can fully forget them. As ridiculous as that sounds I often wonder if I could completely remove them from my memory, would I be a better person? Would I finally feel this tension in my chest leave? Would I stop screaming internally when I'm alone out of anger towards them?
At this point in my life I just want to be happy with what I have and leave them in an old time capsule never to be opened again. As I get older the more I understand that childhood tremendously dictates who we are, and I'm learning that I don't really like who I am in some aspects, and I blame them for that. Whatever good and success I have in life is because of my 'step' Dad and how he raised me the best he could.
I don't know that I could be calm or mature enough to clearly state how I feel without emotions coming into the mix. Every time I imagine talking to them it quickly turns into a rage that takes a while to let go of.
If you read my rant, thank you. If you didn't, I don't blame you one bit.
tl;dr I need to completely remove my parents from my life so I can move on, and I'm not sure how to go about it.
​

It is really scary and frightening to me that Verizon won't send you transcripts of conversations you personally have with them (without a subpoena) and sometimes even "lose" the transcripts, such that they are supposedly completely unrecoverable. You also can't easily select the text and "copy/paste" it into another program after changes to the website -- you essentially have to take screenshots constantly to record interactions with them.
Be aware and be concerned!
tl;dr: Multiple Verizon customer support agents tried to secretly add services multiple times, lied directly to me, and then an executive PR person tried to smooth it over by still refusing to give transcripts after thinking I would send the transcript to news media or something.
Long story version:
The story in my case was I talked with some customer service reps and was trying to cancel my TV (since I hadn't used it in like ~7+ months and the previous times I tried to cancel it I gave up after being frustrated due to not being able to find a way to cancel it without talking to someone) and went down a dark pattern rabbit hole both on the Verizon website and through customer service / PR actions. Luckily, I took screenshots of a lot of the conversations. Just writing this all down here for my records and to vent my frustrations.
After spending some time with a customer service rep explaining my issue (trying to cancel TV and the website continually re-adding the TV plan and other things in checkout), I was immediately transferred to another agent without warning -- not a big deal, but was odd since I didn't get a chance to confirm that was okay. The next agent I walked through everything again, saying how it kept re-adding TV and/or changing other parts of the plan. Eventually, after about an hour and multiple weird typos ("As you mentioned, you want to remove remote and check the bill?" / "I am really sorry I am Tv." / "I am getting Type sorry 😬"), the agent finally understood my request and went to cancel the TV. However, in asking for confirmation to cancel it, they had randomly added 1 Gig-streaming and a few other things ( https://i.imgur.com/rZ7gKk6.png ) without my consent and tried to pass it off as being the new plan -- they did this a second time after I first spotted it ( https://i.imgur.com/7346CFF.png ). Then, on the third time around, they still tried to change my phone service to "Home 3.0" ($5 more a month than our current plan) without consent directly after literally saying they wouldn't make changes without approval ( https://i.imgur.com/6PRTvT3.png ).
When confronted on this, the agent said that was already my plan ( https://i.imgur.com/tPeM05T.png ) when it most certainly wasn't ( https://i.imgur.com/nMBnTRS.png ). When they checked for the 5th time, they finally did confirm that my plan was the $20 one but they couldn't select it because it wasn't an option anymore, but I had just found the buried option to cancel the TV itself without changing the rest of my plans and explained to them how they were wrong ( https://i.imgur.com/Xkhctd4.png / https://i.imgur.com/zx8fJeE.png ). Extremely frustrated that the agent kept adding things and lying to me, I asked for a transcript of the chat -- which they said they couldn't do and could only give me a chat ID which would only be usable on Verizon's end. Whatever, I figured, I'll just try escalating the issue to get the transcript and/or stuff dealt with after getting the message ID ( https://i.imgur.com/0zRSV82.png ). I was transferred, at least this time with my approval, to a "loyalty specialist agent" who basically said they could do nothing, couldn't help me, couldn't escalate the issue, but could read the message from the chat ID but couldn't send it to me or quote anything from it to me either. After trying to get them to cancel the TV and hearing the same lies and randomly added services from before, I just canceled it manually myself and ended the chat in anger.
While talking to the "loyalty specialist agent" I was also talking to a Verizon support agent on X/Twitter. They said they couldn't access messages on other platforms, but corporate Verizon could and if I wanted to escalate the message I could try contacting corporate leadership ( https://www.verizon.com/about/our-company/executive-bios ) and suggested contacting "Sowmyanarayan Sampath (Sampath) - Executive Vice President and CEO Verizon Consumer Group" out of everyone on that list. That Verizon support agent was actually helpful -- a shocking change of pace from the past 3-4 agents I've dealt with!
And so I sent a short version of this story to Sampath on that website detailing my issues and frustrations and what they should do to improve these issues, remove the dark patterns, and create a better experience for their customers ( https://i.imgur.com/T2Sr6Ff.png ). About 30 minutes later a PR agent from executive called me, she said she read my complaint, got the messages from that chat ID, and wanted to make sure my concerns were taken care of. I told her the main thing I wanted was a transcript of my messages, my complaint and issues with dark patterns to be taken seriously, and maybe some account credit for all the time and hassle (going on nearly 4 hours at this point). She asked why I wanted the transcript -- was it just for my own records or to send to some news media or something. I told her I already had multiple screenshots (which she agreed, strangely enough, was good practice) and just wanted them for my records, but I might consider sending them to others. She said she would look into doing what she could, both with sending me the transcript and getting compensation, without mentioning any of the dark patterns or other issues I raised, and would get back to me in a day or two.
After dealing with all that I figured I'd also go through and update some of my account info and verify some new phone numbers. But nothing on the website was working properly and clicking on multiple confirmation links (both sent to email and two different text messages) weren't doing anything. How foolish of me to try customer support again... who this time tried to help me by sending me a confirmation link only for that not to work. After debugging some stuff, I found it was a mobile link, and even when opened on mobile it wouldn't work. The agent said I needed the Verizon app and to just download and install it. I told them I didn't want to and shouldn't have to because that is silly -- I should be able to verify an updated phone number without having to download an entire app. They insisted it was the only way and nothing else would verify me ( https://i.imgur.com/RGYaKA8.png ). This again made no sense and due to all the constant frustrations I was facing I asked for another chat ID (just in case they were lying again and it wasn't the only way to verify) and I ended the chat, called it for the day, and poured myself a large glass of whiskey.
I kept waiting and waiting for this executive PR agent to call me back and figured they were just going to ignore me and never call back. However, she finally called me back just a few hours ago, 8 days later, with some bad news. For the frustration of dealing with all this (4+ hours and being transferred around, secret product upgrades / services pushed on me, and being lied to), they would give me half off for a single month (whoopee), and couldn't do anything else. As for the transcripts? The original conversation she said not only couldn't be sent to me, but couldn't be viewed anymore and was apparently completely lost. She explained that sometimes they use third party companies to handle support and they must have deleted it or lost it or something -- which again seems odd to me since I asked them specifically to save and send me the transcript so you'd think they would keep it, but I guess not ("C.Y,A. Policy" anyone?). I mentioned I did have some screenshots, and again she agreed that was good practice. But what about the other conversations? She said that Verizon couldn't and wouldn't send it to me unless they had a subpoena for it, as that was corporate policy.
So, since Verizon clearly doesn't care about these systemic issues, hidden upgrades, lying support agents, website dark patterns, lack of transparency, and refusal to send transcripts ... remember to protect yourself by *ALWAYS* saving and recording all your conversations with this borderline monopolistic evil mega corp.

hi!
i‘ll keep it short—i‘m looking for people that are willing to create more than just a superficial relationship, something like a friends to lovers type of connection. (i might be a bit delusional but idc) in other words—i’d go with the flow and see where things are going!
about me: i‘m 24, 1,66m tall and uhhhhh yea i‘m just a girl. 🥰 i‘ve got a pixie cut so if that‘s a turn off for you, then feel free to keep scrolling. my interests are reading, drawing, watching shows and studying japanese. i love to have conversations about anything, but especially about my special interests/hyperfixations and just about life itself. i also love to share my thoughts about any interesting topics that i pick up from reading books (big fan of classical literature).
what i‘m seeking: ppl between 23-35 years old who are seeking new connections and are open to make it become more if the vibe fits. i am NOT open for any kinds of fwb/situationships. please be from germany, preferably nordrhein-westfalen. i‘m a big fan of men who do the bare minimum of self-care, no need to be a body builder and be super extreme, a good solid foundation of you taking care of yourself is enough.
i‘d only share pics of myself after a while of chatting once some trust will be established.
and also, please write more than just „hi nice to meet you“ in your first message, i‘d really appreciate some effort! :)
that‘s it, see you then!

My (M21) gf (F25) went on our first date 11 months ago. We were seeing and texting eachother frequently, and around month and a bit later we set on exlusivity. Things seemed perfect, but on month 3 after I was on her phone I saw chats with a FWB she had (who had blocked her but i didnt see what date they last spoke), and other guys she was going on dates with. I broke up with her immediately but ended up with her again in a couple days after she convinced the FWB was from before she met me, and that the dates were because she was still unsure if she shouldve taken me seriously. I chose to forgive and she let me see that she had deleted all of them.
We became official on month 4, and things were nice, arguments here and there but things were good. Skip foward to today, I was going through my gallery I came across old photos she had sent me around month 2 of us dating, where it was visible on her screen that FWB was still talking to her. I connected the dots and pretty much found out that one of her "girlfriends" shed tell me about during our first 2 months, whod frequently be over at her house, was actually the FWB.
Im stuck on if I should break up with her or not as shes 100% changed, and weve grown to be extremely loving to eachother, met her family etc. I dont doubt her loyalty right now, however the fact she was sleeping with another guy during the early stages does hurt. What are your thoughts?
Tldr my foubd out my gf had a fwb on during our first two months of dating

Hello ABTF community!
I have used the calculator and browsed the wiki topics. I am coming to you now for your personal experiences and recommendations.
My calculator measurements: Underbust: 36"/34"/32" Bust: 40"/44"/40" US size result: 36DD/DDD UK size result: 36DD/E
I have projected breasts, in fact mine look almost *exactly* like the "Bust 30D - E" ones in the photo projection guide. (Link to the photo projection guide, NSFW)
According to this "full on top/bottom" guide, I think I have 2/5 "even" breasts, maaaaybe a 2.25 or 2.5 on top fullness, but definitely not as full as 3. The fit problem I tend to have is top spillover, but I think that's because I usually end up buying 36D instead of the bigger cup size that I need.
"But betteroffinbed, you are literally within one standard deviation from the average American bra size, why are you even posting here?"
Well! The combination of turning 30 and going through 2 years of basically living in pajamas during the pandemic has made "regular" bras essentially intolerable to me. I grew up in the Victoria's Secret Angels era of extreme push-up bras. Comfort be damned, as long as your boobs were perky and separated and pushed up to your chin. The messaging is deeply ingrained in my brain and I think I look like crap when I wear comfortable bras that don't provide much support.
Nevertheless, I wear sports bras most days. I bought True brand bras a couple years ago at Target. I love how smoothing they are on my back, but the fabric has stretched out to the point where they basically need to be retired from my wardrobe. My boobs fell out of the bottom of one when I was at a dinner once. Absolutely mortifying.
THE TIME HAS COME. I want to invest in a couple (new) high quality bras that ACTUALLY fit me and are comfortable and flattering. I would really like to have a bra that smooths my back, or at least doesn't cause huge rolls/folds. I'd also like one that provides at least a moderate amount of support so my breasts don't sit too low under my clothes, the way they do in sports bras. I don't care about colors or patterns.
I just want bras that I can wear to give talks at professional events, where everyone in the room is looking at me, and I don't have to worry about them noticing that my boobs are spilling out of the top of my cups. Are there online retailers that you've had good experiences with, that fit my preferences (no pun intended)?

He’s expressed suicidal feelings to me in light of his girlfriend going a day and a half without talking to him but there are certain things that lead him to believe that she’s ending things (they got in an argument before she got a new phone and blocked him but apparently they’ve blocked and unblocked each other very quickly whenever they have conflicts).
He doesn’t have support from family (most his family are judgemental assholes) and in the past year he’s isolated himself from all friends.
As for the girl both her parents died in the last year, she’s very mentally unstable but my friend wants to be there for her since he has a good idea of the support she needs.
Last night we texted for a while, he felt hysterical and stressed out beyond relief, I didn’t know how to comfort him other than just being present and listening.
I need to know how I can help him because I care about him a lot.

So I F 28 and my partner M 26 have been together coming up on a year in about a week.
So for context; I have been cheated on 3 times before by previous partners.
A few weeks ago someone messaged my partner in the middle of the night. We talked about it and he was forthright and gave me access to his phone. I could not find anything suspicious on his phone. But due to my unfortunate dating history, I decided to make a post on my local facebook group called ‘Are we dating the same guy’ just for my own sanity. (trust but verify)
Good news! No one is talking/dating him , but apparently someone else posted about him about a year and a half ago, and his ex commented on that post. It was a long paragraph, but the most concerning thing was that she had said he had admitted to her that he had sexual thoughts about his mother.
Now I have known this man for a year and I have gotten no indication of this at all. He has said previously that talking about kinks makes him uncomfortable so our conversations have always been brief.
Last night I decided to try to bring up kinks in a casual way. It wasn’t a long discussion but it got uncomfortable and basically he said, the things he feels and thinks bring him shame and he doesn’t want to share them with me.
I don’t exactly want to bring the post up as the reason for my posting of him was due to my anxiety of being cheated on. I just happened to find something his ex posted as a result of that, that mentioned a kink that may or may not be true.
I want to support my partner. I’m of the opinion that as long as your kink doesn’t hurt anyone else who cares? At least for most run of the mill kinks. But this? I’m concerned to say the least.
How do you navigate your partner potentially having an incest kink with their mom? This is completely uncharted territory.
He has been so kind and sweet to me and I’m genuinely at a loss. Do I just let this go?
(For context he has a very normal relationship with his mom as far as I have observed. His mom is nice and a bit overbearing, and I also have a good relationship with her. She is admittedly very beautiful and looks like she is 10-15 years younger than she is. She also used to model)