Invitation for potluck lunch

I was in the restaurant alone and they seated me at a table for four. Soon after I ordered it got busy for lunch. A group was seated near me while I was eating and one of the guys in the group started loudly complaining about how they probably could have been seated earlier if it weren't for me. And that I had no reason to go out by myself and take up so much space and should have ordered to go. I know I should have brushed it off, but he was so persistent that I lost my appetite and left soon after. I had plans to go do some shopping and run some errands after but I just went straight home.
Unfortunately where I live right now I have had no success in talking to or meeting people in their 20's. I've tried volunteering, local libraries, random events in the area, and even tried dating apps after swearing off them well over a year ago. It's been hitting especially hard since my birthday was earlier this month and I didn't do anything.
Don't get me wrong I love my own company, and I'm still in touch with my friends that I don't live near. But it sucks to want to go get coffee or lunch or go shopping or something and there's no one to invite. I've been trying really hard to continue to dress well and look nice and go do things even if it's just for myself. Today did not help my confidence or desire to do that. Now I'm actually kind of scared that everyone is secretly annoyed by me taking up space in places that are usually seen as group settings.

I bake as a hobby, and every once in a while I bring stuff in to work to share with my coworkers. I've gotten a reputation for my "fancy" desserts. Every month we have a staff meeting during lunch, and sometimes it's a potluck. The first couple I brought dessert, but there wouldn't be a main I could eat and then I'd be stuck working the last half of a 10-hour shift(of a physically active job) running off raw veggies, chips or crackers, and dessert. So the last few potlucks, I've brought a main so I actually have something I can eat. I've tossed around(not to anyone, just in my head) the idea of bringing both a main and a dessert, but I go to school full-time and work part-time on top of that, so making multiple things just isn't feasible.
Anyway, we had a potluck today, and afterward one of my coworkers got mad at me for not bringing dessert??? She said I'm disappointing people, and therefore I'm being rude by not bringing dessert. I told her my reasoning and she called me selfish. She even said no one likes my non-dessert food and that it's not good (and, I mean, when I bring in spicy stuff it barely gets touched, but that's just a matter of taste and spice tolerance). I'm just absolutely bewildered
I ended up laughing in her face (not even intentionally, it just escaped due to sheer bafflement) and she got pissed. I just dipped after that because, thankfully, I'm off this afternoon since I have class.
I'm just,,, so confused. Like, that's not normal. That's not normal to say to someone or to think about someone. It's not my responsibility to bring in desserts just because I have a reputation for it. No one should be expecting me to bring desserts in, anyway, since there's literally a sign-up sheet for mains, sides, desserts, etc. Plus it's coming out of my free time and my own money.
I probably should be offended or mad or something, but instead I'm just bewildered. Like wtf

I’m really hoping for good advice. I (26F) have been married to my (28M) husband for 2 years now and we have a 14 month old baby. The issue is, I may have unintentionally caught feelings for someone else and I am trying to figure out how to handle it.
Background: My husband and I started dating at 16 (me) and 18 (him). We had a tumultuous relationship due to him excessively partying and treating me poorly, for the first 5 years. I broke up with him and moved out of the apartment we shared. We spent 6 months apart and ultimately got back together because I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. He promised he would never treat me like that again and he didn’t. We’ve been together 5 years since that breakup. 2 years ago we got married, bought a house, and had a baby together. things got really rocky between us, which resulted in me spending a lot of time alone/with friends following several attempts of communication and no effort on his end. I started feeling like I wanted a divorce.
Now here is the situation that I found myself in. 2 years ago, a new guy (let’s call him Jake, 28M) started working at my job. I realized quickly that I was very attracted to him. For this reason, I avoided him at all costs, but still had to communicate with him because we were on the same team. Strictly work related conversations. I am also very close friends with a woman at work (let’s call her Maya 49F). Maya and I hangout outside of work regularly. I left work for 7 months of maternity leave. During this time, I was very emotional (postpartum) and really didn’t see anyone.
Upon my return, I realized that Maya and Jake had become very close friends. A new guy also started at our work while I was gone (let’s call him Kade 39M) who also became very good friends with Maya and Jake. The three of them hung out a lot while I was gone. Upon my return, I basically joined their friend group and began hanging out with them regularly outside of work. Now, I still avoided Jake at all costs. I had very limited conversation with him, when going out together. I never had his number and we never texted until the next time we went out and Maya asked me to text him to see when he was arriving.
Now, on this night we all went downtown. We decided to head to another bar in a neighboring city. Jake and I realized that we live right next to each other. Maya and Kade carpooled together. I offered to take Jake in my car, as he had walked to downtown and my car was parked there and we’d be heading back to the same place at the end of the night.
Jake and I spoke more during this night (entirely platonically). At the end of the night, I went to drive him home. We ended up talking in the car for hours. Again the conversation was appropriate. No emotional/physical cheating. Just basic things like where we grew up, how work is going, what our favorite places in town are. At the end of the night, Jake confesses that he’s been attracted to me since he started and that he likes me (he knows I’m married and have a child). I stated that I appreciated the honesty but I am married. He understood and stated that he wanted to be friends. He left my car. He never invited me inside, tried to touch me, or did anything inappropriate. He was very respectful. We did not speak at all after this night.
Fast forward a few weeks, I get a call from Maya, who is very concerned about Jake. She stated that he had not been to work in weeks and hadn’t responded to any of her texts or calls. She stated she was going to call crisis response. I offered to stop by his house to check on him, since he lives right next to me.
I showed up at his house, to find him sleeping in the middle of the day. He broke down in tears and told me that he had gotten so depressed (personal issues) that he had not been able to eat, go to work, take care of himself etc. I offered my help. I spent the whole day helping him clean his place and then we went out for lunch together. Again, everything was platonic and my husband knew that I was with him, helping him all day. As you can imagine, I learned a lot about him and how similar we are. He was very grateful that I came to check on him and thanked me for being a good friend. Ultimately, his issues caused him to leave work, so we do not work together anymore.
I would like to point out that during this time, I realized that I was falling for him and knew it was because I felt like I was losing feelings for my husband. I decided to communicate with my husband, once more, about how I was feeling and decided to pour my best effort into our marriage. He also did the same for me, agreeing that we needed to work on things. Presently, things are the best that they have been, in years, between us. I am in love with him and feel satisfied in the marriage. I am happy and continue to give him my all.
The problem is… I can’t stop thinking about Jake. I don’t know how to deal with it. We don’t talk at all, we no longer work together, and I see him maybe once a month or once every two months, when Maya invites us both to something. Last time, which was a week ago, it was unavoidable, as I was out at lunch with Maya and she called Jake in the middle of lunch, to invite him to come and have a drink, as he lives nearby. I barely spoke to him the whole time.
The issue is, it’s been making me feel very down. I catch myself thinking about him everyday, wondering what he is doing, and thinking about how it would be nice to hangout again. It feels like I’m going through heartbreak while married - which is so silly. I’ve tried to stay busy, focus on my husband and child, and avoid all contact. Nothing helps. I can’t stop thinking about him. It has made me feel so down that it has interfered with my ability to complete everyday tasks. I’ve fallen into some sort of depression over this.
I know the whole thing with people thinking the grass is always greener on the other side, when really it isn’t. I know people romanticize others, and turn them into the ideal person in their head, when that isn’t the reality. I feel like I’ve now seen the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of him and it hasn’t changed the way I feel. He is basically me in male form and that has done my head in.
Of course, some details are left out due to the crazy length of this post already. The post makes it sound like I feel this way based on 1-2 interactions. I’ve gotten to know him quite well over the last 8 months and things are no longer imaginary in my head. I know his personality well, his struggles, and favorite things. I know all about his family, upbringing, values, and beliefs. I’m not trying to justify anything, just explaining that he is everything I thought he would be, which is where I think my feelings are coming from.
Has anyone else been in this situation? How do I get over it? I feel like I’m really doing everything I can to move past it, but I can’t help the way I feel. I have no intention of cheating or leaving my husband. It has been 8 months of me feeling this way and nothing has changed. My brain can’t seem to let it go. I’ve never been in this situation before.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for your time and sorry for the long post.
TL;DR: I (26f) am married to my (28M) husband. I caught feelings for my (28m) coworker and I’m trying to get over it. Looking for advice.

Hi Ya'll,
I recently graduated OCS and I have been bombarded myself in real life over what to expect with OCS. For context I went from basic training straight to OCS, and even graduated with honors. From the time of writing this post, it has officially been a month since I graduated. So here is a list of common questions I get and I hope I can settle some anxiety for all of you future 2nd LTs.
Warning: The cadre at OCS do read these reddit posts, so I won't be able to post answers to tests or events.

1. I haven't received a welcome letter, or a packing list. Where can I find it?
   • Fort Moore Officer Candidate School (army.mil) I would download and print the packing list and the ISAP. The ISAP acts more or less like a syllabus from college. It will give a rough understanding of the rules, regulations, and requirements for you to pass.
2. Is everything on the packing list required?
   • Yes. Try your best to follow the packing list to the letter. It is almost entirely dependent on the cadre and of course weather does play a part in their decision making. Some things you'll find you didn't really need or use throughout your cycle. For example, my cycle didn't use 550 Cord almost at all, but I used it to build a hooch, and secure sensitive items.
3. What if I don't have of the required equipment on the packing list?
   • When it comes to military equipment, try your best and bring what you can. I was never issued an IFAK before OCS or after. The cadre understand they have some coming from basic and those in-service. So if you have it, bring it. If not, bring it up to your cadre and they'll schedule time to get it issued to you.
4. Anything not on the packing list you recommend?
   • I would recommend the following: hand soap, bathroom spray, travel vacuum, wet-wipes, clipboard with compartment, pillow, very bright headlamp, multitool, and laminator. Hand soap because for some reason OCS had a hard time procuring it. Travel vacuum because you'll likely have 2 or 3 vacuums available to your platoon and having your own saves time. Wet-wipes to dust everything down. Clipboard with compartment for Land Nav as you'll be running with maps, marker, protractor, and your points so its best to have something safe and secure. Laminator for your papers because its Georgia and your papers can get wet. The pillows at OCS have this weird plastic cover on so if you want a better night sleep, get a better pillow. The headlamp is just in case, some classes inform the lumen limit while others don't, Land Nav is DARK so if you can find a lighthouse out there, do it. The multitool is just useful to have especially if you are out in the field.
5. Where can I find somethings on the packing list I am missing?
   • Luckily there is a company called Commandos who helped us out the entire time. They have an OCS purchasing list you can take advantage of. They even deliver that weekend at the footprint.
   • Visit: https://commando-military-supply-9d5038.printavo.com/merch/ocs-packing-list/
6. I saw you can bring your laptops? Is it required for classes? Can I opted in for a tablet or iPad?
   • You can bring a personal laptop primarily for recreational use after the duty hours. OCS will provide you with a government laptop that you'll need to use your CAC to access. Tablets and iPads are not considered laptops and will be confiscated like a phone. If the majority of your class as issues with the laptops, then the cadre may allow the use of your personal laptops.
7. What is your day-to-day look like?
   • Mostly on a non-physical or FTX event coming up you'll follow the following schedule: 0500 - wake up. First formation is at 0600, then you conduct PT until breakfast. After breakfast you will head to the classroom and stay there until lunch, return and stay there until dinner. After dinner, it will be the end of the duty hours and you'll roughly have 2 hours for personal time.
8. What are the most important categories/test to focus on?
   • Treat everything important. Every test you do not pass can put you at risk of being recycled, and it is up to you to catch up. For example while everyone is studying for tactics, you'll be studying tactics and history if you failed history. So save yourself the hassle and take every test seriously. The big 3 recycle event have been historically, Army History (70% to pass), Land Nav (4 points or more to pass (day and night)), and the 4-mile run (need to run in under 36 minutes regardless of gender).
9. How many retests or chances do you get?
   • You get 2 tries at everything before recycle. You get 2 tries again at the same test then you can be dismissed. For example: You are part of Alpha company. You failed history twice. You get recycled into Bravo company. You failed history twice again. You can be dismissed.
   • If you happen to pass history but fail Land Nav twice, then you'll be recycled into Charlie. If you fail Land Nav twice then you can be dismissed.
10. What is a recycle? What does it look like in OCS? Can you get dismissed?
    • A recycle is when you failed something twice and you get "recycled" into the next class. A recycle can occur for other reasons such as illness or injury. You can also be recycled for improper behavior or being "peered out". Every class starts up in a like a month (I heard they are changing that for even further out). So even though the cycle takes about 12 weeks to complete, if you get recycled you can expect more like 16 weeks or more. We had someone at OCS you has been with it for a year. You get recycled for repeat offenses, or do something majorly bad such as breaking the law, then you can be dismissed.
11. What is being peered out mean?
    • Throughout the cycle you are put into a platoon and then a squad. Your squadmates eventually all sit down and fill out a form to give the cadre who is the weakest link in the squad. Usually squads kick out the person they do not like. We had to kick out one person because they didn't mesh well within the squad and wasn't very kind. He would then get replaced with someone else who got peered out. Luckily after that one person got kicked out, the squad improved and we tried our hardest to keep it together. We still needed to peer someone out, but we kept tabs with them and invited them to a lot of our squad functions nonetheless as my squads grew to love and respect each other as a family.
    • If you do get peered out, unfortunately you get a spot report, moved to a different squad, and are at risk of being recycled if peered out again. Stay humble and help out whenever you can. I got the most respect from my squadmates as I stayed up late with them to help them with their STX lanes.
12. What is personal time like?
    • You essentially use personal time to workout if the PT wasn't enough, clean yourself, and prepare for bed. Yes if you have time, you can contact family and friends (when you get your phones), and if you have the time, play games. I don't recommend playing games as it distracts you from the mission of graduating.
13. What are the different phases like?
    • You are separated into 3 phases. Black, Blue, and White. You immediately enter black phase upon arrival with a traditional called "Gold to Black". Which is more or less a physical smoking session. During Black you are expected to run everywhere, not be able to drink coffee, have your phone confiscated (and given back on Sunday), and have less personnel time. Blue you get the ability to drink coffee again, and you have your phones returned and used only during personal time. During blue you get the ability to visit and explore the base (Fort Moore) and shop around. During white phase you get the ability to explore off-base (Columbus) and you get to wear civilian clothes. White phase if you leave off-post, you need to be in uniform, and on-base you can be in civilians.
14. Can you use your personal vehicle?
    • Yes, but you can only drive it during White Phase
15. How can I keep in contact with my family during black phase?
    • I recommend that you download WhatsApp or some other social media on your laptop and have your family members on it.
16. Can I visit the gym on base?
    • Yes during blue phase you can visit the gym. Rule regulates that you leave the footprint in uniform and change into appropriate PT uniform once at the gym and conducting PT.
17. What is the DFAC like?
    • The DFAC is better than basic training and offers snacks like cookies, granola bars, ice cream, and soda. They have a salad bar and the usual cycle of foods. They do have a "short-order" line which serves fries, burgers, hot dogs, etc. To stay in physical shape, I recommend eating your fruits and a side salad every meal. Drink juice, Gatorade, or water only. I only drank soda and the burger after an intense physical requirement like a long-run or a ruck march to regain my glucose and caloric levels.
18. Does Amazon deliver there?
    • Yes you can have other things delivered to the footprint. However, the Cadre are going to inspect it for food and other contraband. Just ask the cadre for the delivery address. It may take like 2 weeks for them to deliver it.
19. Any final advice?
    • Be helpful and noticeable amongst your squad but try not to bring attention to yourself from the cadre. Take everything seriously and give yourself proper rest and proper nutrition. OCS is not hard, but it can be if you let it get to you. OCS is designed to test your competency, commitment, and character. I luckily had an amazing squad, and I had a blast with them.

I want this to be an open forum so don't be afraid to leave anymore questions below. If the answer you are seeking is not above, then write the question in the comments, and I will try my best to answer you before you are sent off. Best of luck, thank you for your service, and be the best leaders your soldier's deserve.

I’m honestly unsure because I didn’t feel like anything icky was happening , but the situation sounds a lot like what the video described .
At my high school , we were all assigned an advisory teacher whom we’d have for all of hs . Mine was this younger dude who I’ll call Mr. D . He was like in his late 20s and imo very chill and easy to talk to . I got very close with him very quickly . He listened to me and I truly felt like him and I were friends . Ik my relationship with him wasn’t ordinary because he’d make it a point to tell me that I was special and that he could tell me things he couldn’t even tell his closest family . I just thought I was cool cause he could open up to me . My junior year , I had two classes with him plus advisory so I was always around him . Sometimes he’d eat lunch with my friends and I and he’d let me skip other classes to hang out with him . When administration noticed , he’d make excuses and I was content cause the other classes were boring . He ended up getting fired after that year , but I kept in touch with him throughout my entire senior year . We would email back and forth a decent amount . Eventually , my graduation came and I invited him to come . He emailed me day of saying he was so sorry but he wouldn’t make it . He asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out for a coffee date cause he thought I was a really cool person and was an adult . I thought that was weird so I just never responded . He emailed like two more times cause he thought I didn’t get the first email and then the second was just asking me to respond and being like “are you mad cause I couldn’t make it? I said I’d make it up to you” . Again , I never responded . I honestly just filed this away in my brain as men being men cause I’m used to ppl asking me out and stuff , but now I’m questioning if he tried to groom me ?? If that’s the case I think I need to report this to the authorities , no ? I think my high school should still have access to the emails , and if he tried grooming me doesn’t that mean he might do it again ? I’m just wondering if this is grooming because I don’t want to falsely report him and ruin his life if it’s not , but if it was , I can’t let that happen again . Idk , I’m just confused and concerned

Hey all I'm looking for something a little bit unique and I am not sure a solution exists out there, so I wanted to see I anyone here knew of something.
So, a little backstory, my family goes on a vacation every year where we invite multiple other families. Generally, to make the trip easier we try to collaborate on meals/snacks with everyone and split the cost of whatever is being shared amongst all the families coming. For example, one family would plan a meal to feed everyone Monday and Wednesday, then another family would feed everyone Tuesday and Thursday, we get treats or snacks to share and then we all buy what is needed for the trip. We then turn in receipts and split the cost at the end of the trip. Generally, this has resulted pretty successful but what we get caught up on a lot is sometimes families will buy and bring 2 or 3 of the same condiments or everyone brings a bag of licorice to share but then that results in the shared stuff only being one type of item or the meals are close enough in ingredients that we could have saved by sharing ingredients instead of each buying independently. Those few issues tend to drive the cost up on the trips, sometimes by not a lot of other times its pretty significant.
I am looking for an app/software that preferably could be self-hosted/opensource (Heck I would even take a well-designed Excel/Google spreadsheet) that would help with planning meals for a trip that you are doing with other people. Something that could be collaborative saying that these are the meals we are providing and here is what we are buying that could be utilized by someone else.
I think a meal planning app might work but it seems excessive for something like this. I guess after thinking about it a little bit I'm basically looking for a glorified Potluck planner lol.
Anyone know of a solution that you are willing to share? What we do works ok but I feel like there is a better way of doing it and haven't been able to find something to satisfy my need.

I plan to invite my friends over lunch in an upscale restaurant in SF. I'm not vegetarian but most of them are. I live in Sacramento area and I'm not very familiar with SF. Do you have a recommendation for an upscale vegetarian-friendly restaurant in SF or in its vicinity preferably with a view? We have been to the Greens before so I prefer to choose a new place. Thank you.

Apologies for any grammatical errors or formatting errors as I’m not the best at it.
So I all started back around August in 2023 when all this happened. I wasn’t in the right mindset as there were a lot of things going on in my life with losing family members to finding out my mother had dementia to just not wanting to have any sort of outside life and be a homebody. Just out of the blue I feel I just disconnected myself from everything and everyone and was just going to work and nothing else. I stopped talking to my gf without any reasoning after we got into an argument that I can no longer remember what it was about but turned out to be the “trigger” for me to just give up. By this time we had already been together for 5 years and living together for 3 years as well. So it got hard for us as we were both stubborn and did not try to talk after this fight. As time progressed through the months we just stopped talking and did our own thing while still living together and avoiding each other as much as we could. We didn’t talk much other than bills that needed to be paid and purchasing food as well. We somewhat talked a month or so later and mentioned that we were just civilized roommates nothing more and this continued until February of this year. During that time she would go out with friends and dates from what we discussed when we got back together and I would just stay home collecting myself and slowly getting back together by playing COD with friends almost every night.
Once February came around after valentines I decided to talk to her to see what our future would be in terms of selling the house working it out or whatever the case may be. Strangely enough she asked me if I wanted to join her at the movies that day and of course me being the stubborn asshole I am told her no also because I had already made plans to go the the movies with a friend. So she still ended up getting ready and I asked her if she was still going to the movies. She said no that she was going to her mom’s house to see a movie with her niece. I get ready and head out and lo and behold I see her walking to the theatre with another guy. This make my heart drop and realize she lied to me about going to her moms. She notices me and waves me down like nothing and just tells me “oh I didn’t know you were coming to the movies. I’m just here with a friend too” so I tell her what about her moms and said oh no I wasn’t planning to go and ask if I wanted to meet him. Wanting to call her bluff I decide to say no and drive off. She continues to call me and Ignore her and go with my friend to eat instead. I’m definitely devastated by this considering I was going to talk to her about making up and seeing if we still had a future or not. I understand that we were not together during this time but seeing it actually hurt more than just knowing. The day comes to an end and we decide to talk that night. We talked about the 6 months that passed what we did(not in detail) and if we really wanted to work things out. We agree to work it out and move forward.
During this time it’s still fresh and I notice the guy is still texting her and possibly others she dated a month before. I bring it up to her to discuss it and I ask her to please let them know we are trying to work it out and not to think she is available. Time passes by for about 2-3 weeks after we talked. The guy is still messaging her and i bring it up again that it’s not right and that she should say something. So she finally decides to meet with him in person to let him know that she is trying to work it out with me and that she needs some space. Only I come to realize later this month(May) that she told him she needs time for herself and did not mention trying to work it out with me.(could this be a red flag?)
As time moves on we have little hiccups here and there and I start to feel this guy feeling that doesn’t sit right with me. Not sure if what it is but it makes me feel down and my mind starts to wonder. I can’t help to wonder that she is still messaging someone else and I begin to investigate. This is all happening in May and by this time we are good(or so we say but don’t feel it) and by this time I find out that her close friends which is two do not know about us working it out and a new close friend she made at work as well does not know about us. Which is fine I guess but it kinda bothers me because her new close friend has a friend that introduced her to him to see if they can hit it off. This triggers something for me and I ask her why hasn’t she mentioned that we are talking but her excuse is she’s afraid that she’s going to look stupid in front of her friends if I leave her again like I did 8 months ago..I understand where she is coming from but I we discussed earlier I tell her I am devoted to her and want to make this work because I love her. Maybe I am looking too much into this but I figured by now she would’ve mentioned something that we are trying to work it out and are back together again since February.
So a couple days ago I get that feeling again and try to push it away but I still have that gut feeling something isn’t right. This past Friday we decide to go to the movies and make plans. All of a sudden she decides not to go to a certain theatre and go to a different one instead. I figured oh nice we get to go to another one since they serve food there so it’s a bit fancier. Before we go we decide to have lunch and then go. During that time she decides to switch it again and say to go back to the original place. So I don’t mind and say yes so she goes to the app to get the tickets. I get up to get a refill and decide to watch over as she does and she brings to panic. She tells me she wants a refill too even though her cup is almost full. I tell her she doesn’t need one but insists that she does but I tell her no and play if off as I am leaving. As I turn back I notice she is messaging someone and then goes in to cancel a ticket the guy made for her. I knew about her going to another movie after ours with her friend and the group but didn’t know she was messaging him directly. I ignore it rather than bring it up for now as I do not want to start an argument or ruin the date we are having until tonight. The night continues and we go home and go to sleep. Meanwhile my mind is all over the place and I can’t stop thinking about it and why is she messaging him.
The next day we make plans to do our own thing and she has plans with her friend. My mind is racing as I start to think if she is actually going out with her or with this guy who I find out later she invited to the movies..the plan was to go to lunch while I work on some things at the house and then meet up to take the dog to the vet. She leaves and I begin to let my mind unravel and by this time I’m just trying to keep my sanity but I decide to do something stupid. I call the restaurant to see who she is with. Probably the lowest I’ve gone to creeper status..but my mind and my heart are just in so much pain thinking of that time I caught her with another guy. I find out it’s just both of them so I am relieved.
She comes back for lunch and I head over to pick up the dog to go to the vet only to find out the waitress told her I called the restaurant to see if she was there.(again my fault because I told her I had a surprise for her 🤦🏼‍♂️) she asks me if I called the place and I said yes. My thing is always about honesty and loyalty. I own up to what I did for the reason I did it and apologize. She tells me she got embarrassed because her friend who has been against me since day one just tells her that she should move on and not do anything with me. Which I understand but all my gf has told her is the negative things and not about us trying to fix it and her being caught doing things as well. Which is fine because any friend will obviously take their side.
By this time we stop talking and she stays at her mom’s house to cool off. I message her asking if we could talk but this time I want to let it all out. How I feel what I’ve seen, how this is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining me. We’ve had these talks before and even before we got back together as well. I have given her an out that is she does not want to be with me then we can break up and move on with our lives. We do still owe on the house but I have even told her we can sell it or I can just leave and my part of the house would be lost because I do not care for the money. I would just find an apartment and live my life and she can continue talking to the man or men and pursue what she wants with them. I’ve mentioned that I am willing to work it out because I know I still feel something for her and I want to spend my life with her if she is willing to as well. Multiple times has this conversation been brought up and in the end she says she loves me and wants to work it out.
She comes home changes I get her a drink and snacks and turn off the tv. I had already written down key points of what is bothering me and what I feel is hurting us and me. So I explain to her that i do not like how she has kept us a secret that we are trying to work things out with her friends. It’s been two months and they still believe she is single and having dates and this is something that even though they are probably against me on she should still be mentioning something. She tells me that she’s afraid to look like an idiot and will tell them later. Am I wrong on this?
Then I mention how I saw the messaging and sometimes in the middle of the night she gets a message from this guy. I know that her friend tried to hook them up even though she says she didn’t and also mentions that he is just a friend of the group. I tell her it’s not right because he doesn’t know either that’s she is with me and trying to make it work and how she was acting weird that day I saw the messages. She says there is nothing going on but I feel otherwise and I know I’m not wrong. I tell her again that if she is interested in him then we can break up and she can pursue it if she decides. I ask her who it is and she tells me the name and is the guy that they were trying to hook up together. The guy messages her every morning and I’m sure throughout the day as well. What I can’t wrap around my head is that why would she do this if she is commuting to me and yet is disrespecting me in this way even after I ask her if they are messaging and she says no. But yet I happen to see the messages between them and she still denies it. During our talk it goes back and forth and tears and coming down. So I ask her to show me her phone messages and she begins saying no and that she doesn’t want to when I easily offer my for her to go through as I have nothing to hide. She finally agrees to do it and I see a whole lot of messages but she only shows me photos that they share of her dog, nice and Katy Perry. Only showing me what she wants me to see even though they have messaged throughout the day. I also noticed that she had the messages on silent as well and her excuse is that so I don’t get mad if I see his name pop out. We go back and forth on this and I tell her if she is interested in him then to leave me and we can move on. I can’t explain it any more clearer that we cannot be together if she is having something with him. I tell her I want her loyal, trustworthy, and honest with me if we are going to make it work. She says she still wants to work it out since she says she loves me but is just afraid that she will get hurt. Which I understand but I am willing to make up for what I did and prepared to spend my life making up for what I did and being happy. Moving forward after everything we have a clean slate and see how this goes..I asked her if he messaged her yesterday and she says he did about Katy Perry and just random text. Come this morning she happen to leave her phone unlocked and I noticed he messaged her good morning and responded to her conversation they had as it seems that she deleted the text she sent him and he responded this morning. I’m so confused as she tells me she loves me and wants to be with me and shows me affection, support and everything else we discussed as if nothing is wrong but still messages this guy on the side while they are on silent. I also noticed she deleted the chat history and started fresh as well since Sunday. idk what to do anymore I am so torn right now…i wanted to spend my life with this girl and only to find out she is still doing this and also may be going on a trip with her friend and their group which includes this guy as well without me since she wants to be able to spend time with them separately which I’m fine with me as I have no problem with that other than the guy she’s been messaging will be there. What can I do..I feel like I have already been transparent about how I feel and what is expected but to see these messages and even when asking her absolutely it she says no makes me wonder wtf is going on…why not just leave me. I don’t want to be checking her phone when I get a chance as I feel that puts me just as guilty. Please help.
Should I just move on and start new? Or should I continue to be with her and see how it goes?

​

Disclaimer: I have switched back to the main subreddit, so aside from three, maybe four of you, you’re probably missing out on some context. If you’d like to be all caught up, you can comb through the previous episodes on my profile.
Votes:
Emma - 2
Katie - 1
Props to u/Proofracer for coming up with plot points
At the campfire ceremony, Chris attempts to build suspense by reminding the campers about the safety of a marshmallow, but Heather insists he get on with it, so the moment is cut short. Chris calls on Shawn, Zoey and Max before tossing them all a marshmallow. He then gives Owen and Heather one each, leaving Emma and Katie. Both Emma and Heather shoot angry looks at Katie, making her feel a tad worried, but Chris gives her the last marshmallow and deems Emma eliminated, causing her to have an outburst at Heather.
Emma: I knew I couldn’t trust you! You’re a backstabbing snake!
Heather: Please, as if I’d betray you this early. If I had any say, you’d still be here for a few more weeks.
Emma: Then, how?
Katie: It’s not just me who’d been fed up with how mean you’ve become. We don’t want a second Heather on this team. No offense.
Heather: Offense taken.
As Emma walks the dock of shame and the rest of the Screaming Gophers disperse, Chris turns to the camera to say his outro.
Chris: Will Max finally do something actually evil? How much longer can Heather keep her alliance afloat? And what will Damien do once he finds out about Bunny’s replacement? Find out next time, on Total Drama Island!
In-world votes:
Emma - Katie, Owen, Max, Shawn
Katie - Heather, Zoey, Emma
Basic Straining
The episode opens with Duncan using his knife to carve a skull into the wall of the Bass cabin when Axel exits the cabin. She scoffs at him, but before she can leave, Duncan attempts to apologize for how he’s treated her in the past. Axel stops to think for a second, but she sees through Duncan’s lie and leaves anyway.
Confessional:
Duncan: Of course I didn’t mean what I said to Axel, but Trent and Sammy are too loyal to one another, and Damien’s essentially attached himself to Dawn. Sadly this means that Axel is the only person I have a chance to ally with, so I need to get back on her good side.
Meanwhile at the Gophers cabin, Katie is sitting dejectedly on the front steps when Owen comes over to cheer her up.
Owen: Are you still bummed out about poisoning me? It’s okay, I know it was an accident.
Katie: That’s only half the problem. Emma got so mad at me for it, and now apparently I brought a cursed item to the team.
Owen: You mean your tiki souvenir? Are you sure it’s cursed?
Katie: Apparently it’s from Boney Island, so I’d say it’s pretty cursed.
Owen: Well, you don’t have to get rid of it, if that’s what you’re worried about. It may be cursed, but it’s still yours. I say you should keep it to remember this show by.
Katie: Thanks Big-O.
Owen: You know what? Let's prove Emma wrong. If you try your best this time, I’m sure you’d do way better at the challenge than you think!
Just then, the loudspeakers turn on, but instead of Chris, it’s Chef Hatchet who orders the campers to meet him at the docks for their next challenge. At the docks, Chef is dressed in a military uniform and starts barking orders at the campers about fixing their forms, with the one exception being Axel, whose form he deems “surprisingly average”. Chef then goes over today’s challenge. The teams will go through Chef’s grueling boot camp and drop out one by one until the last person remaining wins immunity for their team. Heather asks Chef what happened to Chris, but he ignores it and starts going over further rules, like how everyone will have to address him as Master Chief, and that no one eats or sleeps unless he says so.
Confessional:
Axel: I was never trained in the military, but I’m adept in most fields of work Master Chief could go over, so this will be a breeze.
For the first part of the boot camp, each team must carry a canoe, and will continue to do so until someone drops out and rings a bell on the dock. Owen and Trent each make a remark about how easy the challenge sounds, but by noon, everyone is starting to feel the heat.
Chris and Chef are sitting on top of the canoes while taunting the campers about missing lunch. This causes Owen to think about quitting, but Max catches on and tells him not to.
The Bass are still holding up strong, so Duncan tries to talk to Axel again. He says that he knows she hates him, but they’re both stuck between the two couples and need each other. This causes Axel to angrily reply that she’d take her chances with the others over him, leaving Duncan beginning to get annoyed. However, Trent overhears the conversation and begins to look worried.
As night rolls through, the campers are all tired, especially Owen, who has fallen asleep with his arms still holding onto the canoe. Chef is recalling a story from his military days, and Heather asks him what war he was in, causing him to shout at her. Heather then turns to Shawn and tries to strike up a conversation with him.
Heather: Hey Zombie Boy, how do you feel about joining my alliance?
Shawn: Wait what? You’re kidding, right?
Heather: You and Emma were friends, yes?
Shawn: Sure, but that doesn’t mean I trust you. What happened to getting payback on me for locking you in the freezer?
Heather: You could trust me if you were in my alliance. With Emma gone, I’m missing a member of the alliance, and if you join, you won’t be in as bad a spot as you are now.
Shawn: Oh, and what is that supposed to mean?
Heather: Think about it. I didn’t vote Emma off, she got herself eliminated. If the team knew you worked with her, maybe they’d vote you out too. Especially since you’re such a big threat without any allies. With me, I could protect you, plus I won’t plot against you anymore.
Shawn: You were plotting against me?
Heather: That’s besides the point. Just think about it.
Later, Chef has finished bragging about his line of duty just in time for Max to decide he isn’t going to stand in one spot anymore. Much to his teammate’s dismay, he walks down the dock and rings the bell, thus allowing the contestants to drop their canoes. Chef insults Max through his megaphone before ordering everyone else to go to the mess hall to eat dinner, getting Owen excited.
In the cafeteria, Chef announces that everyone will get only ten minutes to eat before he starts night training, which gains him a lot of complaints. Damien asks him where the food is, and Chef gestures to a row of trash cans filled with leftover garbage from breakfast, which only causes more complaining. Owen, however, doesn’t discriminate against the disgusting food and eats some anyway. Chris then invites Chef to eat at the craft services tent, leaving the teams to themselves.
Trent meets with Sammy and tells her about what he heard between Duncan and Axel. He says that Duncan has a point and that since nobody really likes Duncan, Axel would be the deciding vote between them and Dawn and Damien. Hearing this, Sammy comes up with an idea, and suggests winning Axel over ahead of time so that she’s with them. Trent likes the idea, so Sammy goes over to talk with Axel. They have a friendly conversation, and Sammy offers Axel the least disgusting food she can find in the trash, to which Axel declines. Sammy then returns to Trent to talk about other ways to win Axel over.
Damien was watching Sammy’s conversation with Axel, and realises what she and Trent were trying to do, so he walks over to Dawn to talk with her.
Damien: I hate to say this, but we’re going to have to start getting extra votes against Trent and Sammy
Dawn: But why? Wouldn’t we just vote Duncan?
Damien: No, that’s not- I mean, after Duncan’s gone, all that’s left of the Killer Bass is us, them, and Axel. And I think they know that too, because they’re trying to bond with her.
Dawn: Yes, Axel is stuck in between the four of us. I’m not very worried though. I’m good friends with her.
Damien: I know, but we should start getting closer so that if need be, Axel will vote with us instead of them.
Damien then digs through the trash and finds a carrot that is half eaten, but otherwise clean. He decides to save it for Bunny, before noticing that Dawn looks unsure of something. He asks her what’s wrong and she brushes it off as having missed Bunny while it was gone. Damien is happy with this answer and tells Dawn that he knew she and Bunny would get along well, but this only makes her feel worse.
Confessional:
Dawn: Bunny left Damien, but I still don’t know why Duncan found a replacement. Duncan is not to be trusted, but I don’t know how to break the news to Damien that Bunny’s really gone.
We then cut to the next part of the boot camp, which is to repeat Chef’s suspiciously Triller-esque dance routine. The dancing goes on for a while until it’s interrupted when Duncan shuts off the music. Chef angrily asks him what he’s doing so Duncan reminds him about how once someone drops out the training ends. Chef says that they’ll be done when he says they’re done, before forcing Duncan to do push-ups.
Next up, write a three hundred word essay about how much you love Chef, being eliminated if you fall asleep or fail to reach the minimum word count. Owen and Katie are discussing ways to pad out their essays while cracking jokes to make each other laugh. Seeing the two of them bonding, Shawn turns back to his own essay looking a little less confident.
Duncan takes a break from doing the challenge to try and persuade Axel to join him again. She snaps at him and tells him to get lost, but Duncan mentions Shawn, which gets her attention.
Duncan: Let’s face it, everybody knows you like Shawn.
Axel: So? If you want to mock me about it, expect a fight!
Duncan: No, I’m saying that you two are pathetic. Neither one of you ever makes a move! Watching you two is like watching a car crash in slow motion.
Axel: (Sarcastically) Thanks for the advice, Dr. Love.
Duncan: You need a wingman, badly. So it’s going to be me.
Axel: Why would I ever listen to you?
Duncan: Because if you and Shawn are ever going to be a thing, you need me.
Axel: Fine. But if you pull anything you’ll leave this island in a cast.
Duncan gets Axel to close the deal with a handshake before returning back to working on the challenge. Later, Chef returns to pick up the essays, and eliminates both Trent and Zoey for falling asleep. As for everyone else, their essays meet the requirement, although Duncan’s is just one sentence with 289 verys in between. On his way out of the cafeteria, Chef slips in a puddle of Owen’s drool from him being half asleep, and Duncan offers to clean him off. This causes Chef to yell at him again, and the rest of the Bass stop Duncan from saying anything more, lest he get them all in trouble.
The next evening, the training continues, as Chef forces the campers to run an obstacle course until everyone can do it in less than a minute. As they climb a wooden wall, Axel asks Duncan for advice and he tells her she should get Shawn’s attention by showing off her survival skills in the course. Axel takes the advice and waits for Shawn to reach the top of the wall before jumping off and doing acrobatic tricks in midair. This catches Shawn’s eye, who shows off some tricks of his own in return.
The obstacle course causes trouble for some of the other campers, as Owen gets stuck while jumping through a tire, getting him eliminated. On top of that, Damien falls flat on his face when climbing the wall. He pukes up some mud, and is coughing and sputtering, so Chef eliminates him too and sends him to the infirmary.
After going through a montage of campers falling into the mud or otherwise failing, we see Katie struggle to clear a rope swing. She remembers what Owen told her and tries it again, only to clear it easily. She cheers for herself before continuing to run the course.
While crawling through the mud, Sammy reaches a deep spot and starts sinking. Duncan passes while mocking her, only to come across an angry Chef. He gives Duncan more pushups, but Duncan just thanks Chef before kissing him on the nose. This sends Chef off the edge and he announces that Duncan will spend the rest of the night in solitary confinement in the boathouse. This causes everyone to gasp, but Duncan asks how bad it could be, before we cut to him sitting in the boathouse regretting that comment.
In the cafeteria, the contestants remaining in the boot camp are being fed rock hard gruel. Dawn sits down next to Axel, intending to win her over, but Axel is the one to talk first. She explains to Dawn how Duncan is working as a wingman for her and Shawn, and while Dawn is happy for Axel, she reminds her about how Duncan is untrustworthy. She talks about how he replaced Bunny when it left Damien, and that she thinks he has a secret agenda behind everything. Axel agrees with Dawn but leaves to get more advice from Duncan anyway.
Heather finds the gruel Chef has served her to be well past unappetizing, and chooses to instead try to persuade Shawn again. She points out how close Owen, Katie and Max have become, and that since she still has Zoey, they’ll go after him first. After careful consideration, Shawn caves and agrees to work with her. But he specifies that while he will do what’s required for her to protect him, he will not associate himself as a member of her alliance. Despite this, Heather is still pleased by the news, and leaves to get some sleep.
In the boathouse, Axel finds Duncan sweeping the floors to pass the time.
Duncan: Did you get General Crazy angry at you too?
Axel: No, I’m here so you can make good on our deal. What’s some more advice you have?
Duncan: Really? You can’t be so desperate that you need my help for every single thing.
Axel: Then what do you want me to do then? This was entirely your idea!
Duncan: Just ask Shawn out. Maybe set up a date or something. But if you just sit there and don’t talk to him I promise you that nothing good will happen. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mess with Chef.
Duncan then leaves despite Chef’s orders and heads towards the craft services tent, leaving Axel behind wondering what she could do.
In the Gophers cabin, Katie visits Owen, who congratulates her on doing so well in the boot camp. Katie is ecstatic at her performance and thanks him for giving her the pep talk. Max, while also happy for Katie, insists that “Evil has better things to do than make friends” as he works on something secret in his bunk bed. Owen tells Katie that he thinks she can win the entire challenge, but to this Katie is still a bit skeptical.
The remaining Bass return to their cabin to find Trent and Damien playing cards on the front steps, and inside Dawn finds various snacks left in a big pile on her bed. She’s confused how it got there, but is happy to finally find something edible, so she invites everybody on both teams to hang out and eat the food. As the eleven of them dig in, they discuss how insane Chef is for making them do full on combat training, with only Shawn, Axel, and surprisingly Katie enjoying the challenge. Eventually the relaxation is ruined when Chef barges in and orders everyone in the Killer Bass to line up outside. He announces that the food they were dining on was stolen from the craft services tent, and that he was tipped off that it was one of them because the perpetrator left a raw bass in the fridge. Dawn confesses that she found it on her bed, but before she can explain herself Chef automatically eliminates her from the boot camp and confiscates the rest of the food.
Chef starts the last part of the boot camp the next morning, which is to hang upside-down from a tree until only one person is left. The last campers left are Sammy, Duncan and Axel for the Bass, and Shawn, Heather and Katie for the Gophers. Axel confronts Duncan about what he did, and he admits he stole Chris and Chef’s food, left a bass behind as a calling card and dumped the food on the first bed he found. Axel is pissed at him for getting Dawn in trouble with Chef and cuts the deal between them, causing Duncan to tell her that he never really cared.
Confessional:
Duncan: Okay, maybe I went a little too far, but I’ve always found a way to stay in the game. Surely this will be no different, right?
Chef rants about the side effects of being upside down, and as he goes over each one, someone gets it, causing them to fall off the tree. Eventually it’s down to Axel and Katie, with Dawn cheering on Axel while Owen motivates Katie. Axel looks between Dawn and Duncan, and is visibly conflicted, while Katie’s starting to get dizzy. But just as she’s about to fall, Axel jumps off first, meaning the Screaming Gophers win. Katie then falls off the tree before being enveloped in a bear hug by Owen. Chef congratulates Katie, saying he’d go to war with her anytime, but she gets mixed messages from the complement.
Duncan scolds Axel, saying she lost the challenge for them. But she snaps at him in front of everyone.
Axel: You are not fit to be on this island! You essentially threw two challenges, ridiculed me the entire game, and now got Dawn disqualified just because you wanted to prank Chef! So excuse me if I want you out!
Duncan snaps back at her before storming off, and for the first time in a while, Axel looks relieved. Dawn then comes up to her with Damien telling her that she did the right thing. Afterwards, Damien asks Dawn if she only said that to get Axel on their side, gaining an annoyed look from her. Seeing this, he backtracks and says that they should help Axel like real friends, and is relieved when Dawn nods her head in agreement.
Vote off a Killer Bass and come up with any plot points you want to see later.

Hi, I've been doing TA supply work for a specific primary school for almost 7 months now- in the past I was happy to move around schools so I get a better view of what's "out there"- and in a way my worst dread is confirmed.. In my experience, if I hang around enough in a school, I become bonded with some teachers and other stuff, the ones that I work with often. In many schools that has been a wonderful thing, but in some, it is like being in the secondary school again.
I've kept a diplomatic distance, camaraderie with those around, I am quite sociable and there have been some very pleasant pass-times in the staff room. But as I have been working in this school for so long now, I have been noticing some real downright puerile behavour from some staff.. For example, gossiping openly, little whispering chats and quiet when someone comes closer, some pretend others don't exist, etc. Worst of it is that occasionally I get "invited" in such phenomena ( for example, a particular Teacher talking to another Teacher teacher, I enter the room and mind my business, one Teacher leaves eventually, and the other one makes eye contact with me and rolls their eyes at the one that's left behind their back, then tell me "pls don't do x/y for Miss X, she should do that herself, she's got plenty of time". I find that so demeaning to the person that's left, and it makes me uncomfortable.
It's many small things like that every day, Being now asked during lunch chats " do you like Miss Y/Z?", come confiding in me (" you know miss D? she's not very nice, she thinks she knows it all"), all of that. What does it matter who I like or not. I float across a whole year following the lower sets, so I see all the CT and other staff on my floor regularly. Honestly, it feels like a wasps hive and I don't want aything to do with ganging up on people.
Ofcourse not absolutely every one is like that, but it's definitely something that I notice. There are a few lovely people who mind their business and are pleasant and lovely enough so we get through the work day in one piece and a bunch of genuine smiles, but the general vibe feels like politics and picking teams is the thing.
Is it like a domino effect thing, once you're in it you get swamped in and "when in Rome.."? Or just the lottery of particular temperaments coming together in one work-place and turning it in into such a thing?

I’m currently dating someone for 3months who started giving me the ick ever since I’ve realized how much of a cheapskate he is, before he got fired from wok due to his constant lateness and slacking (he slept through a meeting and his manager had to wake him up, his excuse was that the meeting was boring) he had a very decent salary and a side hustle buying l$d in bulk and resell it for profit (he did lied to me about it and said he gets no profit from it) however, he refuses to pay for dates, he paid for 2 dates in 3 months he often asks me for money whether it’s for cigarettes or taxi or groceries, at first he wanted me to lend him money and when he realized i don’t lend money he start using other ways to get it from me , he invited me over once and told me how much he wants to cook for me and run errands together only to ask me how much money I got for the groceries, mind you I was out of job back then and barely getting by, I confronted him about it he told me this relationship is 50-50 sometimes I cover and sometimes you do the covering, I told him when did you ever covered for anything I always pay for myself, he said I will never ask you for money, he seems to only have money when there is a fancy occasion like dinner with his coworkers or my friend’s birthday, money to pay for himself ofc,
we went out to have lunch and paid for myself cause his food coupons have not arrived from his previous job, and when I told him to come with me to my friend’s birthday he immediately told me that he gave a call to someone who owes them money and now they can afford to come, what a coincidence, did I mention that he is filthy AF?? He rarely showers and his room is soo dirty it smells, food tossed all over, dirty sheets you name it But after our discussion he began to clean it every day and offered to split the price of my friend’s gift, he wants us to get engaged in the summer but all this made me question everything, he is sooo lazy as well, he doesn’t drive around and my friend was supposed to pick us up, instead of taking a cab to my place, he walked mid through and called me to meet him halfway, I was wearing platform sandals and a summer dress and the sun was scorching it was 29C outside, I told him hell no, you come over here.
Anyway, I can go on and on about this but do tell me can he be redeemed?? I confronted him and broke up with him, told him he is cheap and filthy, he came by my house to meet and told me he never meant to do me wrong and that is applying for jobs in programming and once he gets back on his feet he will start treating me better and pay for dates, he said that he cleans his house everyday now and that I never gave him the chance to see for myself, he even paid me back some of the money he took from me and paid for the coffee, I also confronted him about buying L$D in bulk and selling it double the price (he wouldn’t admit this to me and gaslit me about I found out from a friend, i guess now it makes sense where all his money is going, in shitty financial decisions) he said he won’t do it again but now I’m icked beyond repair, how can I end things with him smoothly???

TW: childhood neglect and verbal abuse - me remembering so many things after last night's session. I just need to tell someone! I repressed this childhood since I moved out of my parents. It's like I died that day and moved on like a robot.
It is as though the illusion I've kept up for the past 24 years of me being always 'happy' and living a happy childhood just shattered entirely.
I have this diary I wrote in a lot in 2014, which is from exactly 10 years ago when I was 14. I cherished it a lot and sometimes would look into it to remember the old days. However, just last week I looked into it again after several months of being more focussed on my mental health (and especially on my childhood & parents.). This time, I saw something entirely different in this cute colorful happy diary.
All I see now, is how I was suffering. Suffering alone and always walking on eggshells. Nothing was ever good enough. Almost every page I refer to 'future me', the one who will understand me. I didn't get that from my parents. Old me, who will listen to how I am feeling and give me the comfort and soothing I so desperately needed.
I write about how I was completely exhausted from highschool, and then constantly bash myself with extremly self critical words. I have pictures of me in there with apologies for being ugly, and stories of 'how I didn't work hard enough'. Several pages describe forms of catastrophizing over the smallest mundane things.
In some pages, I casually mention a family member I dearly loved dying but then downplay it with something else. It's ups and downs by the sentence "It was my birthday yesterday, I had a great time! I am exhausted and drained and school is horrible. I did get a nice gift. I hope grandma stays alive" etc.
All this time I was happily keeping up this story of how happy I was. How I had such loving parents who where always there for me. They would shower me with gifts they could barely afford.
In my house, there were no rules. There was no bedtime. There was no structure - no breakfast together or chores I had to do. Everyone was jealous of me, because I was so free, but child and teenage me were constantly longing for someone to care.
I would be gone from home as much as I could. The atmosphere was so hectic. One day you'd come home to a happy loving mom who has all the patience and curiousity to hear about my day and my struggles. The other I would walk in and get scolded about how I was nothing. One day she was willing to help me with my feelings and emotions, but in other days she'd scold me for having them! I should be strong because according to mom, she's cyinic, and the world is 'angry and cruel. The world is unfair.' Now get up and don't wallow in your sadness and self-pity.
It's like they would give a gift sometimes, just to then call me ungrateful every day after. According to them I was unthankful, selfish, and my mom said I'd act as if the world revolved only around me. If I'd say "huh, I never said that?! I would never say such a thing?" she said "that is just what you think you are doing. But in reality, you're ruining it for everyone".
Eitherway, after going through the entire diary without skipping a page, I remembered I once made a video of my mom attacking me. I looked it up, and for the first time in 8 years I had the mental energy to watch it. My jaw dropped to the floor. I never even saw someone act so horrible before but it's me going through it....
t's like my world shattered. My mom was treating me absollutely horribly in this video. I don't even remember! You can see her face, and she is so scary! Here eyes look like pure hurt, as if she was throwing her own traumatic upbringing onto me and blaming me for it. She looks at me as if she's completely disgusted by me! The entire rant of hers is a complete mind trip where she downplays everything I say and spins it around as if I was just a burden who tried to make life for my parents worse.
I would never help with chores. Because, if I asked if she needed help, she didn't. I didn't have to do anything in the house but also did not know how to do anything. Then on other days she'd get angry I wasn't doing enough in the house and mention how our life should be about "giving and taking" and I should participate in that.
Now having read all of this, and watching some more video's of these attacks, I remember many things. How my parents would lock me up in the dark cold hallway because I had a "tantrum". They say it 'wasn't that long' but overstimulated and panicked todler me would bawl her eyes out. I felt so abandoned. In my life, alltogether, my strongest feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for everything. I feel shame. I feel ugly when I cry.
I only managed to teach myself how to release emotions in january this year. I never knew. I couldn't cry since years. When I finally managed this year, I'd notice I'd feel so ugly. My cries sound like my mom crying. She'd cry in our house regularly at some point. Really messy, really loud.
Because of constantly being told I wasn't doing enough, or that I didn't care, I wanted to please. I would muster up the courage and shun myself for how difficult and bad it felt to do so. I would ask her "mom, are you okay? Do you need a hug?"
She'd turn around on her desk chair and YELL. Loud. Screaming at me to get out of her face. Just get out of our life. This happened several times. I'd just walk away from the house. I felt so alone and unwanted. I never could do it right. My dad would just avoid my gaze.
Some days I would be begging my mom for a hug. Just for some attention. But she was so overstimulated that she couldn't even give me a touch. I would feel so lost and alone and just go outside and distract myself with imaginary games. I remember because of this, the moments where I would overheat my parents show off to parents of friends of mine how "I was such an easy kid" and how I could entertain myself and be happy for hours. The other parents would be jealous. I wouldn't know why this would make me cry
My life first going to school was just sheer terror. I felt so abandoned. Every time mom dropped me off I'd kling around her leg crying and screaming. Then afterwards, I wouldn't want to go home either. I remember how later in my childhood I still felt guilty for this behavior, because mom must have been so ashamed. I'd hang around teachers and daycare adults all the time. I wanted to hug everyone, because that was what I so desperately wanted.
My dad could never give hugs. Sometimes he'd allow it, but it would feel so distant. If my mom was starting to freak out about me, he'd sometimes intervere and call me to 'it's done now!' and 'go to bed'! No matter the time. I'd lay in my bed, just trying to curl up and feel somewhat comfortable.
In primary school, I would constantly visit friends. It continued in highschool too. I had two music classes and sports, so for four days a week I was settled after school - not having to go home immediately. Home didn't feel safe. It wasn't a constant. Some days there would be dinner at a nicely put dinner table and we'd eat together, some days I'd just eat some bread myself.
Some days mom would just be lying in bed. I found a video, that's why I remember. She would'nt get out until the beginning of the evening. This was in the time she would normally make me some lunch, or ya-know, take care of me. Suddenly I'd have to do everything alone.
I was constantly entertaining myself with imaginary friends at home. I'd play outside until I was 17 or so, alone. My cat was pure innocence and love but when I told my parents he was 'coughing' they didn't want to believe me. They only took him to the vet when it was too late and never apologized or were able to own up for this.
When I was 14 I wrote in my diary I was looking forwards to visit grandma. She's my mom's mom, and I would sometimes spend up to a week there just to be able to relax and be loved unconditionally. My mom would terroize me with her stress and anger and accusations to a point I couldn't focus on school. I wrote how she'd come into my room calling me names and how I couldn't read my homework papers through the tears.
My dad was never really there. He'd choose himself to be out of the house in the morning before mom and I'd be out and then when he was back he wouldn't make it further into the house than his TV chair. My parents would watch TV for hours when I was a kid. If I asked "what are you watching" they'd both go "Shhhh!". If I'd push it futher, the'd send me upstairs.
I feel like I spend so much time just hiding from my parents. Wheter it was upstairs in my bedroom all day, and night, or if it was outside. I now also remember just biking for hours crying hoping someone would stop and console me. I'd make the wrong friends and smoke weed at 16 just to stop the thoughts.
I would visit friends just because their house was calm and safe. I'd get a nice dinner there, and it would be a whole new experience. My parents would always be easily agitated. I am hyper senstive, hyper aware. I get uncomfortable just seeing them being uncomfortable. I remember I could already feel the energy from streets away. Sometimes I knew it would be wrong and I'd just bike somewhere else and go home later.
In one diary entry, I describe how my parents told me to write a letter to my dad's mom for her birthday. I finish the letter, and only then I allowed myself to take a shower and take care of myself. I would rot in bed, and rot in my dirty hair for days, just like mom. On other days she'd be so happy, she'd be re-decorating the entire house, invite me to go rollerskating.
But I also remember how many times my parents threatened to throw me out of the car. I remember how my 'reaction' to whatever they 'gave me' would never suffice. Then I would be the bad guy, for not being thankful.
My parents, they did everything for me. They paid for everythingg. Ya-da Ya-da, but I never had a proper hug from my dad. I don't know why he's even with my mom. I think he's a fun dude, but he's in mental pain. My mom told me way too young how her trauma's affected her. My dad's childhood would always be an excuse that I had to empathize with when I asked mom as a kid "if dad really loved me".
Other memories involve me running upstairs and then one parent following me. I don't remember getting hurt physically, but I remember all my life the pain I can see in their eyes.
If I look at pictures from my teenage years now, I can finally see the depression in my eyes. It took me up until this year to finally understand that having a clean kitchen and bathroom is something you do because you think you are worthy of a clean space. I had to get out of a depressionhole again over the years many times. I now realize the constant self critisism should have been self love. So that I would feel worthy of taking a shower and brushing my teeth.
I now see how what I saw as 'good experiences' are mostly just my parents taking me somewhere to do some activity and it just fits the perfect family picture. I was their only child but we'd celebrate christmas with many, many presents for me. But once my grandparents didn't live anymore, the birthday parties and tradition celebrations weren't hosted anymore by my parents. I wonder for who they truly did it. I was a golden child, but later in life I was just a burden.
I moved out the first chance I got. They didn't stop me. I was barely 17. I got into partying and drug abuse. I would sleep for weeks in bed. Barely ate. Then I would drag myself out of it again and have missed my mom's birthday. I was the one ruining the relationship to them.
I realized last year my parents had not called me for over 7 months. That was the first time I cried since the last time I did as teen. It's always coming from me.
My depression, my axieties and the treatment my parents gave me were never seen. It was never validated until I could finally read my diary with new eyes and watch those videos. I never got professional help but I will look for this now. I am really longing for someone to tell me what I was going through wasn't normal.
I did not remember this until yesterday, BUT, I am so used to being called weak, sensitive, a cry-baby, a bitch, for telling my mom how her verbal abuse made me feel. I feel so weird, how I repressed all of this for so long and the past years I tried so hard to still visit them and give them hugs and they felt good and now it all just feels fake and weird again.
Well yeah, so this is about everything that's been on my mind today. I feel totally weird. It's a tuesday and I couldnd't even work today. I am lost.

Basically, one friend invited this girl from school out to lunch with us because she was going through a breakup. I hadn’t talked to her before but I was getting a bad feeling about her. It’s probably pretty close to a years time since this lunch and things have only gotten worse.
She makes all of us really uncomfortable with the things she says and does. It’s not fair on us or her to keep her in the group but we just don’t know how??
The weird shit she does is mostly towards me and I have social anxiety (I didn’t leave the house for years) so it’s really hard for me to say anything and the most outgoing one in our group still likes her even though she makes her uncomfortable with the way she treats me.
If more context is needed lmk

Hi everyone,
Here's the summary for the second half of Day 3 of Safe House. There were also quite a few talking-based activities today, and I directly transcribed a bit more this time, especially during the cooking competition, because a lot was happening so I wanted all the funny exchanges to be translated. Hope you guys enjoy!
Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/live/cjn8w8j06ik?feature=shared

• They're having a jam session when we join
• 3:45 Neo and Luke are improvising a song about all the guys. I'll just translate the lyrics that Luke sings in Thai because he also sings in English a bit too. When you hear Neo talking/singing, he's trying to translate what Luke is singing, but sometimes he's a little off.
  • Mix: "can be good but also bad. Likes to eat a lot with Pond"
  • Phuwin: (sings in English)
  • Pond: (sings in English) "Everyone knows that he always wants to eat rice with Thai omelette (extra salty)"
  • Neo: "He's probably the most annoying in the house, but he's also cute. He loves annoying everyone a lot, especially Earth. That's the kind of person he is. He plays guitar really well."
  • Khaotung: "I like how he likes similar things as me. I like how he plays darts with me. I like how he also wins games like me."
  • (pause while they laugh)
  • 6:30 Earth: "Everyone who's watching this livestream knows that he likes to wear this red sweatshirt." (pause because Neo needs to think of what to play) "Red shirt, red shirt, has nice stuff in his hair" (then sings in English) (pause because of Neo's mistranslation) "Actually, he should be the best in the house, but right now he has the lowest score. But that's alright, because there's lots of time for him to win more games."
  • Gun: "Yellow shirt, like the Sang Sang that he's the presenter of. He's really tiny, but his smile is huge. He's also very good-looking and the nicest in the house" (then Luke says something a bit funny but rude, which makes Gun get up and try to push a pillow in Luke's face)
• 9:50 Mix and Gun go to the kitchen. The others realise that they can watch the footage of the kitchen from the TV.
• 10:45 Neo and Khaotung consider improvising a song for Luke since he didn't get to sing about himself, but Luke declines.
• 12:15 PD asks everyone to assemble in the kitchen. She makes a notification sound before speaking so that the guys don't get startled, which they appreciate
• 13:20 Medal competition sponsored by Sea Me Now. Gun reads the rules. They will divide themselves into two teams. Each team will send two members to prepare "yum" (a type of Thai salad served at room temperature, often involving some kind of noodles like glass noodles) within 15 minutes, using the seafood from Sea Me Now. Meanwhile, the remaining 4 guys will wait in another room until the dishes are ready, and they will come and blindly taste the dishes and vote on which dish is better. Winning team gets one medal each.
  • 16:00 PD asks the teams which member each thinks is the best cook in the team. Phuwin is the best of the left team, and the right-hand team are undecided between Gun and Khaotung. At 17:30 PD asks which member from each group is the worst at cooking. The guys start to figure out that PD is going to pair the best cook with the worst cook, so the right-hand team try to blag that Khaotung and Gun don't know how to cook that well after all. At 18:30, Neo is the only one who hasn't caught on to PD's plan, so he raises his hand to indicate that he's the worst cook on that team because he thinks it means he won't have to cook. Final cooking teams are Phuwin/Neo and Gun/Pond. The rest go to wait in the play zone.
  • 21:00 Phuwin has only just realised that they are required to make "yum," which he doesn't know how to make. He mistakenly thought they could make whatever they wanted. Gun is also not confident.
  • 23:00 Cooking timer begins. Both teams decide to use the salmon. Phuwin/Neo decide they're going to leave their salmon raw. Pond asks Gun if they're going to leave theirs raw too, and Phuwin accuses him of copying them. Gun decides they're going to lightly blanch their salmon.
  • 28:00 Neo goes to look for a food processor. Gun asks if he can process enough chilis for both teams, and Neo initially jokingly declines, but then agrees.
  • 30:15 Phuwin asks Neo to make the glass noodles. Neo isn't sure how to prepare them, and Phuwin guesses that they're supposed to just put them briefly in boiling water (which is correct)
  • 31:30 We cut to the play zone where the tasting teams do a light brand plug for Sea Me Now. They teach Luke a new word that basically means "great." (I guess it's kind of like "sick" in English how the actual definition of the word is different, but it's slang when used in context). Mix is confident that Gun/Pond are going to make the better dish.
  • 37:00 PD announces one minute remaining, and that "the customers are complaining." Gun/Pond finish with some time to spare and present their dish to the camera, but Phuwin/Neo finish a little late (but it's fine; there will be no penalty. PD just keeps rushing them to finish)
  • 40:30 PD asks the teams to write the names of their respective dishes on the mini boards provided. Pond originally writes a name that indirectly reveals that he and Gun made that dish, and PD says that the names can't have any hints of who made which dish.
  • 43:30 PD asks the teams to pose with their respective dishes, and invites the audience to screenshot and caption them. Gun/Pond's dish translates to, "Definitely delicious; try it and see," and Phuwin/Neo's dish (roughly) translates to, "Just making a 'yum,' but don't know how to make it" (It's a rhyme/pun in Thai)
  • 44:30 Cooking teams leave the kitchen and go sit in the living room so they can watch the tasting on the TV. PD warns them not to cheat while the teams are changing rooms.
  • 47:15, the tasting team goes to the kitchen. They each get 3 ping pong balls with which they can vote. Phuwin/Neo's dish is the white side, and Gun/Pond's is the blue side. The votes can be cast by dropping the balls into the coloured containers corresponding to the dishes.
  • 48:00 It is immediately obvious to all of them immediately which team made which dish. Transcription starting from 48:20:
    • Earth: "Why don't we start by judging the presentation before we taste?"
    • Mix: "Looking at these two dishes, this one (blue) is definitely wins."
    • Earth (trying to help his team): "I think I'm going to go with this one (white). Listen, none of us know which dish was made by which team..."
    • Luke: "But we have theories."
    • Mix: "I just want to know in what way this (white) dish could possibly be more beautiful than that (blue) dish."
    • (pause while they think of some nonsense) Luke: "The vegetables. They just look so nice. And there are so many of them."
    • Earth: "I'm giving it to this team (white)."
    • Luke: "Me too."
    • (audio cuts out for a few seconds)
    • Mix is saying "The truth?!" to implore Earth and Luke to admit the truth, but they stick to their decisions
    • Luke: "It's my personal opinion. I'm not changing."
    • 49:55 Mix comes up to the camera and mouths, "There are cheaters here."
    • Earth and Luke say, "Who knows? This plate could have been made by anyone."
    • 50:15 Mix: "Okay, let's move on to the flavour." They taste Phuwin/Neo's first.
    • Earth: "I hear laughing outside. Who's laughing?"
    • 51:00 Luke: "Very good."
    • Earth looks at Luke. Luke: "It's actually good. It suits my palate."
    • Mix: "I mean, it's alright. It's not bad. The salmon and imitation crab are good. They taste really fresh. But the noodles are awkwardly super cold. Like, is this bamee yen (a cold noodle dish)? Also, there's just something not right. It's sour, and it's like trying to be spicy but not spicy, trying to be salty but not salty. It's not balanced. What do you think, Earth?"
    • Earth: "I'll give it to you honestly."
    • Mix: (puts his hand on Earth's shoulder and looks into his eyes) "Yes, give it to us honestly."
    • Earth: "Okay, honestly, I like the raw ingredients. I like that the imitation crab meat is in large chunks. But..."
    • Mix: "Look, he's talking about the raw ingredients. He's not even talking about the flavour of the dish."
    • Earth: "The flavour is like how Mix described. And honestly, it's sour. It's so sour. Uncomfortably sour. Like, too sour. Can I have some water?"
    • 52:40 Luke: "I really like how there are lots of vegetables here. That means that dish is really healthy for you. If you ask me if I can eat the other dish, I can eat it, but it won't be as healthy as this dish."
    • Earth: "Oh, okay, so he's talking about the health value of the dish."
    • Mix: "But we're talking about the flavour of the dish, here, no?"
    • Luke: "I'm a person who doesn't like eating things too spicy. (uses the vocab word he learned earlier) So I like that this one is a good balance. It's not too spicy for me.
    • 53:35 Earth looks at Luke and says, "Is it not too sour? I think you've already helped our team a lot here."
    • Luke: "No, I don't think so. I honestly think it's good. But we haven't tried the other dish."
    • Earth: "That's true. Different people have different flavour preferences. Some like super sour, for example. And if those people also don't like spicy food, this dish is for them."
    • 54:05 They ask for Khaotung's review. He pauses and then quietly says, "Um... Sour. It's sour."
    • Mix: "How about between the words 'delicious' and 'not delicious'?"
    • Khaotung: "Well, I can definitely eat it. But it's super sour. It's not well-rounded."
    • 54:35 They move on to taste Gun/Pond's dish. Mix comes to the camera and enthusiastically whispers, "It's SO good!"
    • 55:15 Earth: "I like the creativity of this team. The salmon was raw, but this team lightly blanched the fish so that the inside is still raw, which adds a lot of layers to the flavours and textures of the dish. I like it."
    • Mix: "Can I speak extendedly? It's SO good. It's amazing. It's well-rounded, yummy, the textures are amazing, and it's easy to see that the person who made it really knows how to cook. I'm pretty sure I know who made it." Khaotung agrees.
    • 56:40 Luke decides to still vote for the white dish because the second dish is a bit too spicy for him. Earth sees that there's no way that the white dish can win anymore, so he puts his last ball into the white container anyway.
  • 58:00 More brand plugging for Sea Me Now
  • 59:45 PD calls the cooking teams back to the kitchen to announce the results.
  • 1:00:35 Luke says to Phuwin/Neo: "I tried, guys." Neo says, "I love this guy. He said the truth straight from his heart." Earth says that he tried to say the truth too. Neo complains that he was working with so many ingredients he had no idea how to use. I was just putting everything in randomly. Mix asks who did the seasoning/flavouring, and Neo said, "Me, but we didn't have time to taste it because we ran out of time."
  • 1:02:00 The cooking teams try each other's dishes (and Phuwin/Neo try their own dish for the first time too). Neo tries Gun/Pond's dish. Earth immediately feeds him a huge bite of his own dish. Neo pauses and says, "It seems like it's missing something." Mix and Earth say, "Not something. Many things. Like deliciousness." Earth feeds some to Phuwin, and he also doesn't like it.
    • 1:02:45 Neo looks at Earth and says, "You did the right thing." (in reference to criticising this dish and voting for the other one). Earth says, "So you understand me now?!"
    • Neo makes fun of how Gun was previously dramatic about not knowing how to make "yum." Gun says that he truly wasn't sure, and Neo feeds Gun some of Phuwin/Neo's dish saying, "See? This is what it means to truly not know what you're doing." Gun's eyes water while eating it, and he says, "It's so sour," and goes to hug Neo and Phuwin.
  • 1:04:00 More brand plugging for Sea Me Now
  • 1:05:00 Neo says that he's glad that there's at least someone (Luke) who enjoys eating his food. He then realises that Luke has only been eating the seafood and the vegetables, none of which have been flavoured/seasoned. Luke then takes a bite of the noodles to appease him.
• 1:06:00 Seafood lunch. Menu includes (professionally-made) "yum" with salmon and imitation crab topped with salmon roe; oysters with a seafood sauce; scallops fried with garlic, salt, and pepper; and grilled salmon steaks
  • 1:17:45 Khaotung and Mix go to the kitchen to make some more food with the fresh seafood they have
  • 1:19:15 Luke asks Earth why he's sitting so far away from him, and Neo turns it into a pun about Earth wanting scissors ("sitting far away" sounds a bit similar to "looking for scissors")
  • 1:21:10 This is Pond's first time trying mashed potatoes. Luke and Phuwin explain what they are to him and explain that in some Western countries, they eat less rice than they do in Asia, so sometimes they eat potatoes as the starch (a lot of the dishes for this meal were prepared in a Western way)
  • 1:22:30 Neo teaches them Isan slang that a more polite phrase to basically say, "BS-ing." They also mention the Central equivalent of the phrase. They ask Luke what an equivalent in English would be, but Luke can only think of "BS-ing," so he says that he can't say it out loud. He eventually goes with "spinning stuff." Neo says that he feels like English doesn't have as many rude/swearing words as Thai does, and Earth makes a joke that he wouldn't be surprised if Neo's name was rude in English.
  • 1:23:55 They like how Luke seems especially giggly today, so they try to keep him laughing. Neo says a Thai phrase/idiom that basically means that he's not even being funny to his full capacity right now, then Earth and Phuwin give some sarcastic remarks that are like playful insults to Neo, which Luke continues laughing at.
  • 1:26:00 Phuwin and Gun join Mix and Khaotung in the kitchen to cook some more seafood. They're prepping some salmon, scallops, and oysters. Gun wants to make lightly floured and pan-fried tofu.
  • 1:27:30 The guys at the table are joking to Luke that it's Thai culture to be polite to people, but then the closer you get to them, the more you insult them. You start the insults behind their back, but then you can eventually insult them to their face (it's not technically false, especially for some friend groups, but the way they were explaining it is a bit too much, hahaha). Then they demonstrate that, actually, the best thing to do is to be polite to someone's face, and then behind their back, you compliment them again.
  • 1:29:00 They exchange the English and Thai versions of the phrase "fishing for compliments"
  • 1:32:20 Luke is trying to tell the story of why he came to Thailand, but he's still in his giggly mood. He wanted to be an actor in the US, but he was scouted from IG to come and be a model in Thailand, so he arranged to come for 3 months, but he liked it, so he stayed.
  • 1:34:10 They mention that they're glad they have Neo in the house because otherwise it would be so much quieter and less entertaining.
  • 1:40:15 Gun brings the tofu for the guys at the table to try. They struggle a bit because it's still very hot, but they approve.
  • 1:43:45 The guys at the table talk about ventriloquists. Luke explains how in the US, ventriloquism can either be creepy or funny depending on the act, but in Thailand it tends to mostly be creepy. They start discussing some related film/series plots.
  • 1:59:30 Pond, Neo, and Luke dance a bit for the cameras
• 2:01:00 Relaxing time. Mix presents the dish he made to the camera: spaghetti pad kee mao (drunken noodles) with scallops, crab, and salmon roe. He brings it to the living room for everyone else to try.
  • 2:08:40 Some language lessons. Phuwin and Luke ask Neo some questions for him to answer in English. They also ask Luke some questions in Thai. They try to ask Neo and Luke to speak English and Thai (respectively) for two minutes each, language exam-style.
• 2:13:50 PD asks the losing team from the last game to go wash dishes. They say that the sink area is small, so two people will wash at a time.
  • 2:36:05 Earth drops and breaks a dish. Earth tells a story about how when he was very young, he hated washing dishes, so sometimes he would secretly break some dirty dishes behind his house so he wouldn't have to clean as many. Eventually his mother started wondering where all the dishes were disappearing to, but she just kept buying more
• 2:41:15 PD asks for someone to wake Gun (who's napping on the sofa) and assemble in the area in front of the medal board for the next medal game. She asks Mix "the one with many medals" and Earth "the one with hardly any medals" to take the lead in reading the rules. Earth is offended, but PD says, "Earth, you have to accept the truth."
  • 2:42:40 Game sponsored by Super Coffee. They will divide into two teams. King of the Day chooses the pairs that will compete together. Each person in the pair will wear a sumo costume with a bag of Super Coffee attached to their back. Whoever is the first to successfully remove the bag of coffee from their opponent's back wins that round, and their team is awarded one point in the game. Once all the pairs have competed, the winners will compete to determine the final winner. Winning team gets one medal each. The rules say nothing about singing or having dancing breaks during each match, but the guys do so anyway.
• 3:21:20 PD asks everyone to change into swimming clothes and meet at the pool. Phuwin has to study, so he won't join for the next activity.
• 3:39:00 Neo reads the directions. They're going to play the Werewolf (ma paa) game. Between the 7 of them, they will randomly get assigned roles: 2 werewolves (who can kill people), 1 bodyguard (who can choose someone to protect from death each round), 1 seer (who can privately uncover the identity of one other player each round), 1 hunter (who, if they are killed, can choose one other person they suspect of being a werewolf to die with them), and 2 villagers. PD will be the narratoreferee. The game is basically between the werewolves and everyone else. Each round, in order, the narrator will instruct the werewolves to choose someone to kill, then the bodyguard to choose someone to protect, then the seer to privately uncover the identity of one other player. Then everyone must talk and decide on one person to kill out of suspicion of being a werewolf. If both werewolves are killed, the common people win. If there's at least one werewolf left at the end of the game, the werewolves win.
  • [PD is a very dramatic and colourful narrator, which is why everyone is reacting to most of her lines throughout the game. Werewolf in Thai is "ma paa" and villagetownsperson is "chao baan," to help you guys understand what's going on. All the other roles are called in English, although sometimes they call the bodyguard "moh" which means doctor]
  • 3:45:30 First game: Werewolves=Gun/Earth, Bodyguard=Neo, Seer=Khaotung, Hunter=Mix
    • First round: No one dies
    • Second round: Pond dies. They vote to kill Khaotung
    • 4:04:45 Third round: No one dies. Neo says that Mix is a common person because he saved this round. They vote to kill Earth
    • 4:13:30 Fourth round: Neo dies. They vote to kill Gun. Common people win.
  • 4:19:00 Second game. They're no longer allowed to say whether they saved someone or not. Werewolves=Khaotung/Mix, Bodyguard=Gun, Seer=Luke, Hunter=Pond
    • First round: Earth dies. They know someone is lying because too many people are claiming to be villagers. They think they should believe Neo because he was so honest last round. They vote to kill Khaotung.
    • 4:34:10 Second round: Pond dies and choses to kill Mix with him. Common people win.
  • 4:37:50 PD asks them to vote on the best and worst liar. They aren't sure yet, but Khaotung is voted the worst liar. Punishment is cleaning one of the bathrooms tomorrow.
• 4:41:15 Relaxing time. Neo gets thrown in the pool.
• 5:08:00 Fan talk
  • Group 1: It's supposed to be the 4 top scorers on the medal board, but Khaotung is still showering, so Earth goes in his place because he's lowest. Neo did a bit more exercise with Luke this morning. They recap the walking doll game from the morning and how random and unpredictable it was. Mix was bitter that he felt like being King today was more of a burden than Luke's experience the previous day. Luke says it's probably because Mix's Thai is better, so they felt like using him for more jobs/tasks. They recap the cooking competition; Gun/Mix say they were lucky that they were on the team that had several options of people who knew how to cook. They talked about how the judging was biased, but Earth said that at the end, he had to admit the fact that Phuwin/Neo's dish was so sour that he could feel it in his brain. Gun/Mix were glad that they didn't have to wash dishes today because there were so many dishes to wash, and they made fun of Earth breaking the dish. They all enjoyed the sumo game. They started to regret that they started the singing/dancing gag, but they committed to it for entertainment purposes. They agreed that Khaotung is indeed the dark horse because no one expected him to be that quick in the sumo game. Everyone also had fun playing Werewolf.
    • 5:18:45 Fan comments: They like how Gun seems like the eldest brother in the house, taking care of everyone. People made fun of Earth's childhood dish-breaking story. (The guys eventually start talking amongst themselves, mainly about how Earth doesn't think he has a chance to win anymore, and they say that there are many more opportunities for medals in the coming days, so anything can happen)
  • 5:26:15 Group 2: They talk about how much Pond likes rice with Thai omelette [note: pretty much everyone in Thailand loves it, but Pond feels like eating it all the time], and he likes to make Phuwin make it for him in this house. They're all impressed with how good Khaotung was at the sumo game. Phuwin/Neo explain what happened during the cooking competition: Phuwin usually never eats "yum," but last week, his family made some but he didn't have any, so he regrets not having it so he would have a better idea of how to make it. Neo said he was just randomly putting things in without knowing for sure if they were supposed to go in. They made fun of Neo's dishwashing "technique." They recapped Werewolf, and everyone was unsure whether to trust/believe the things Neo says because he talks rubbish a lot.
    • 5:32:45 Fan comments: They mention that this has turned into a pure comedy show. They like how everyone works together and the vibe isn't overly competitive.
  • 5:37:00 Late-night meal. Menu includes fried chicken wings, spaghetti carbonara, spaghetti with bacon, sticky rice with pork, sandwich, pizza, more spaghetti, and minced pork wrapped with noodles.
    • They feel like today was very full/busy, and they're all feeling tired, but they've had fun.
    • 5:47:00 Earth and Neo say that they may not have many medals, but at least they're funny. They get up and try to entertain the rest of the guys.
• 5:52:45 Everyone bids farewell to Gun because it's his last night. Gun says to the audience, "Thank you so much for watching all of us these past three days. I hope you've enjoyed seeing our dynamics in this more relaxed environment. I hope you'll continue watching the rest of the guys for the rest of the days and see what fun is in store."

So as i said in the title, my partner cancelled plans we had like a week or so ago in order to go to plans with her other friends (keep in mind we haven't seen each other in almost a month due to school, parents, and other situations). I do not like any of her friends and she knows this, but insists on me trying to be nice to them. She invited me to this friend hangout but when I asked if we could get lunch instead of going to the movies she said "I cant decide that, its their plan, you're technically colado (spanish word for when someone is not invited to something but still goes)". this to me seems extremely disrespectful because not only did she cancel on me, she expects me to be ok with going to see her friends who I mostly dislike, and do what they want, knowing full well that I wasn't even invited and I was just an afterthought. How do I make her understand that to me it is disrespectful and makes me feel unappreciated or forgotten?

I think my marriage is over.
Edit: throwaway account because, you know why
My wife and I have been together over 10 years and I've caught her messaging strange men on the Internet more times than I can count. Sometimes, I'd walk into a room from behind her and see the sexual things she was sending through secret accounts in apps, etc. Two times I got her absolutely red-handed to the point where she admitted it, but said it was all people who lived hundreds of away and it was just messages, but then promptly blamed me for supposedly being distant - bare in mind this happened twice.
Over the years, I walked in on her masturbating with a video call on that she gaslights me about happening to this very day. I've caught her taking intimate photos and videos multiple times (I have never received a single one in out decade together).
One time on the way to my grandfather's funeral, her phone qas connected to my cars Bluetooth and I just answered a ring when a call came through it was a man who seemed very confused to be hearing a guys voice on the phone. My wife panicked and ended the call so fast.
I was stupid. I decided that I loved her too much to call it quits. I decided to give it another chance. It took over 5 years to rebuild that trust.
Cut to 3 months ago when my wifes phone wasn't working and she handed it to me to fix it. This is when a picture of a guy and his dick come through her notifications! Then I open it to see that it's coming with an invitation to stay overnight at his house, and he stays in the next town over! My wife lied through her teeth and said he sent that unsolicited, and she didn't know where he lived and that it was all a coincidence. I don't know why I didn't ask for a divorce then and there. I honestly don't.
Last week, my work was pretty quiet (i work from home), so I decided to watch some movies in between the lack of work. I don't have a tv in my office, so I used my wifes tablet. Then some sort of flirty messages start coming through, but nothing I could say was specifically flirting. All the messages had a woman from her works name. Let's just say it's Melanie. Then, thanks to the wonders of the icloud continutity, her iPad starts ringing with this person's name, meaning someone is calling her phone, but I know that this person is in the office with my wife today, and there's no reason to be calling personal mobiles either. My wife has shown me messages from Melanie before, and that's written as "Work- Melanie Andrews," not "Melanie Andrews."
So I opened the messages app on her iPad, and I can see texts going back talking about meeting this persons kids and that they're in bed wishing the my wife was there. She's made a contact for someone else and put Melanie's name on it.
Cut to yesterday, my wife is texting away for hours, closes the app whenever I'm near, suddenly announces out of the blue that her friend Sarah needs her to pick her up from 3 towns over from a repair shop and drive her home and they'll probably just go out to lunch too, so she'll be gone a while.
I dont buy it one bit - Sarah, who has a husband with his own car and needs my wife to do this and drops this news the night before? I'm expected to buy that?
So when my wife went to sleep, I checked her ipad again. She hasn't messaged Sarah in 3 months. There have been no calls to sarah. All Sarah's messages are still there. But you know who's messages have been deleted? "Melanie's"
Today, I asked my wife about when she was going out and why Sarah had dropped this on her so last minute. My wife said sharah hadn't gotten back to her with a time (which she absolutely confirmed to me she had yesterday). My wife ended up leaving the house at 10am, claiming she was going to the doctors and then to call Sarah to meet up and head over - despite telling me not 5 minutes prior that they didn't have a time, and yesterday it was lunch.
She left, so I checked the iPad again. Messages all gone again, but oh look, she's on the phone, and it's not to Sarah - it's to "Melanie." But the call ends quickly it seems whoever she's calling isn't picking up. 3 times my wife tries.
Again , still no calls or texts to Sarah in months.
20 minutes later, my wife is home and says I'm acting weird. Then she says Sarah is calling her, and she runs off upstairs and closes the door. Which would be weird, so I went up after her and asked if everything was okay. She shut the door in my face. Once the call was done, she came down and told me I was acting weird. I questioned the total randomness of what happened over the last day with the changing plans, etc. She said that sometimes she just want to be able tk leave the house and not tell me where she's going because she needs that that she feels trapped etc and that she was just going to cancel on Sarah because I am stopping her from having a life.
My wife basically gaslit the hell out of me to make me the problem.
For the record, I have never had an issue with her going out or spending time with any of her friends. She doesn't go out more, and I worried about her being alone so often. Apparently, she's found a way to cure that loneliness.
I dont know what to do. I mean I know I can't stay with her after this but i don't think I have the courage to admit it or to confront her because the only way to do it is tk admit that I didn't trust her enough and snooped.
I feel betrayed and heartbroken - what do I do?
Edit 2: My wife has just told me that's she's going to arrange to meet Sarah for breakfast instead. Sarah - who works full time and has a husband and a kid with special needs.

Even if you don’t speak the first time, just being with other people who can understand you will help.
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Billy Marsh, Dirt
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 29, 2142
Why the hell couldn’t I get rid of Gillab? I wanted him gone, he was ruining everything, and he is even technically trespassing in my house. I could easily get him removed with a simple nine-one-one call, so why couldn’t I just do it? Is there something else wrong with my head? Another problem I needed to deal with?
I wish I had some alcohol. Something to take my mind off of this. The memories were starting to come back more and more as well, last night was the worst sleep I have had in a while. The night terrors I once kept away with liquor had returned, something that scared Gillab half to death. He said that I was screaming bloody murder in my sleep, but just like every other time I’ve had a night terror, I couldn’t even remember a single detail.
But that didn’t matter now, what did was trying to give a decent first impression. I don’t know why, it’s not like I care, but I found myself wanting to look halfway presentable for the veterans’ meetup. Maybe I didn’t want others to waste their time worrying about me. Yeah, that was it. They shouldn’t need to worry about dirt like me. Still, I promised to ‘go through the motions,’ so here I was.
I didn’t really know how to describe the building, it almost looked like a warehouse. Short and wide, from the outside one would assume it was just another warehouse, but the inside had been turned into a community center. It was probably just another one of the overbuilt buildings that had been repurposed. There were tones of those around as architects and city planners would miscalculate how many of a certain type of building were needed. Many places were repurposed, this was just another.
I stopped at the door and looked over to Gillab. “This isn’t going to do anything. I’m just wasting time here.”
“No, you aren’t. Even if you don’t realize it, you are healing. Even just walking around outside of your house and eating a half-decent meal has helped, I can see that. You aren’t nearly as angry today as you were yesterday. Now go on, while you are doing this I’m going to run some errands for you. You need real food in your house.”
“Don’t bother, I don’t know how to cook.”
“Then we will learn. I don’t know how to cook Human food either. Kirala is the chef of the house.”
I thought to ask who Kirala was, but bit my tongue. I’m not supposed to care. “Whatever, I’m going in now.”
“See you soon Billy.”
I shut the door behind me and took stock of the room around me. It was a waiting area complete with inoffensive paintings and beige seats. At the opposite end of the room was a woman sitting behind a counter, typing away on a computer. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to talk to her.
“Hello, uhm, I’m here for the veterans’ group therapy session.”
“Oh course, that’ll be down that hall. Room number three, it should be on your left.”
I tried to stop bouncing my leg. “Thank you.”
I didn’t wait for a response and started down the hall, feeling a pit grow more and more in my stomach. What if this goes wrong? What if I just cause more problems? What if I ruin more people’s lives? What if I just make it worse?
I stopped in front of the door, my leg bouncing constantly. This was wrong, I shouldn’t be here. I’m unhelpable, I should just leave. Gillab said he was running errands, he wouldn’t even know that I skipped it.
The pit in my stomach began clearing as I turned away, but I couldn’t even take a single step before I stopped.
No, that’s wrong. I made a promise to Gillab, so I have to do this. Not for me, but for him. Even if I’m useless, I should still respect others.
But I could just lie, he wouldn’t know any better.
But what if he finds out?
Getting chewed out later is much easier than going through with this.
Isn’t this supposed to help though?
Do you think I deserve help?
Why… why shouldn’t I?
Because of what I’ve done. Who I've hurt. Who I have killed. The lives I have ruined trying to help them. If I was anything other than dirt, I could have saved so many more and ruined so few. Now stop stalling, and walk-
“Do you need help, sir?”
My heart plummeted and the bouncing immediately started. I turned around nervously, trying to form a single cohesive thought. A man was standing halfway in the doorway.
Don’t bother him, just say that I’m in the wrong spot.
“Uhh… N-”
My voice caught in my throat, almost causing me to cough.
“Y-yes. Is this the v-veterans’ therapy thing?”
Why did I say that?
The man stepped out of the doorway, a small smile now on his face. “Yep, this is it. You must be Billy, right? Charlotte told me that you were going to start showing up. I’m Richard, and yes, my friends call me Dick.”
Richard stuck out his hand. I stared at it for a split second before realizing I needed to shake it. As I did, I realized that it felt wrong. It was too tough to be a normal Human hand, it was almost like metal.
I looked up from the hand. “Y-you’re an amputee too?”
Richard smiled widely. “Sure am. Lost it on Sillis to an Arxur. I can see - feel - that you lost an arm as well.”
“Yeah… I’d prefer n-not to talk about it.”
Richard lost his smile, but not his courtesy. “I understand. I wasn’t able to even look at mine for a long time. Quite a few were just as unfortunate as us, a number of them come to these sessions as well. Would you like to step in? I was only going to leave to grab some refreshments.”
“S-sure. Yeah. I’ll find a seat.”
“Great, I’ll be right back.”
Richard departed for the end of the hall, leaving me standing awkwardly in front of the door. I could feel the pit begin to grow again and my leg started to bounce furiously.
Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes?
I’m in too deep now to back out, all I can do is go through the motions. It’s just motions. Just another step. One more breath. That’s all I have to do.
I stepped into the room, keeping my head lowered the entire time. There were three other people in the room, chatting idly with one another. Two Humans were chatting together, only briefly pausing to glance at me before starting right back up. The Venlil looked up from his phone and patted the seat next to himself, inviting me to sit next to him.
I sighed internally and made my way over, not wanting to set myself apart as the outcast. The Venlil watched me sit and only started talking when I was settled in. “Hi, I’m Tunek.”
I gave him a short nod, looked away, and realized I was supposed to give my own name. “I-I’m Billy.”
Tunek watched my hand for a moment, before leaning back in his chair. “So, is this your first time being at one of these?”
I nodded quickly. “Yes. I’m only here because of a friend.”
Tunek nodded. “Hey, as long as it gets you here. Just taking the first step is all it takes to start the journey. I stole that from Dick, but don’t tell him I said that.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
Tunek tilted his head in concern and moved to respond, but Richard returned just before he could speak. “Alright, I’m back with the waters and the snacks, why don’t we all grab one before we start?”
Everyone but me left their spot to grab something from the cooler that Richard brought back. The two Humans returned to their seats with some water and a cereal bar each, but Tunek hesitated when he started to return. He took a step, paused when he saw me, and turned back to grab another water and snack bar. He must have been hungry.
I looked down at myself as he walked back. Even if I was hungry, I didn’t deserve something to eat. My suffering was my punishment for what I had done and what I had failed to do. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t deserve to get better. I’m just dirt, I should just-
“Here you go.”
I looked up to see Tunek handing me a bottle of water and a piece of fruit leather. Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed them. “How’d you know I was hungry?”
Tunek shrugged. “A hunch. It’s a little early for dinner and a bit after lunch and I figured I would be peckish around this time so you might be as well.”
I set the water bottle to the side and peeled open the fruit leather. “Thanks…”
“No problem.”
Richard took a sip of his water as I took my first bite, setting the bottle aside as he began to speak. “Alighty, now that everyone has something to keep them awake, I can start talking. As you might have noticed, we have a new member joining us today. So why don’t we all introduce ourselves? John, do you want to start with a name and a little about yourself?”
The man with short, brown-blonde hair sat up straight. “Sure, I’ll get this started. I’m John, I served the UN for four years before we made first contact, but only served for one after. I’m an only father, but I like to think that my wife is looking down from heaven trying to guide me. However, with how old Rachel is, it feels less like guiding and more strength-giving. Oh, and I hate the taste of lemons. I think that’s about it.”
The mention of lemons caused my stomach to tie itself in a knot. James always hated the taste of lemons. Just another reminder of how useless I am.
The man to the left of John smiled. “I guess it’s my turn. My name is Carter. I served the UN for three years until I was discharged for repeated disorderly conduct. I was in a bad spot for a while, but with the help of Dick here I got out of it. Well, start getting out of it. I still have some… flare-ups, but that’s why I’m here.”
Carter smiled, but it was sad. Tunek let him have his moment of silence, encouraging the veteran to be with his emotions for a moment, before starting his own introduction. “Well, I guess you already know my name, but for the sake of completion, I’ll say it again. I’m Tunek. I served the Venlil Space Force for around one Earth year before first contact, where I served with the UN until the conflict with the Yulpa on Grenelka. I… well… after that I couldn’t serve anymore. Something else… I’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument properly, but never had the drive to do it. That’s about it for me. Dick, since you were so kind to leave yourself for last, I think it’s your turn.”
Richard chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it is. Well, like I said earlier, my name is Richard, but don’t be afraid to call me Dick. I come from a military family and have always known the dangers of signing up, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t realize that the war was affecting me until Milieu. Then and there I knew what needed to be done. Once the war was over, I went straight to work creating this.”
Richard paused for a moment to catch his breath. ”I knew that therapists were going to be swamped and many veterans were going to be left behind, so I took what little experience and knowledge I had with my military family and used it to help as many as I could. So now I meet with tons of veterans throughout the week to help them adjust to civilian life and overcome their internal struggles. I’m glad that you have joined us today and hope that we give a good first impression.”
I wasn’t ready for him to stop talking and scrambled to get my words out. “Y-yeah. So far everyone seems nice.”
“Well, if it’s good for you then it’s good for me. With that all out of the way, why don’t we jump right in? I’m not the type to beat around the bush. Let’s start with a simple recap of the week. How have you all been this last week? Any wins, losses, jumps, or setbacks? Remember, there’s no judgment here. We are all suffering together, but we heal together as well.”
The room was silent for a moment, everyone looking for someone else to start the chain, before Carter spoke up. “I guess I’ll go first, if you’ll let me.”
Richard sat down. “Of course Carter, whenever you are ready.”
Carter nodded and propped himself up on his elbows. “I, uh… I had another meltdown, on Wednesday. It came out of nowhere. Happened in the middle of the supermarket, I thought I was… I managed to make it home in time before it really started, but just barely. I was hardly in my room before I started bawling. I… I feel so alone sometimes. I can be in the middle of the supermarket and feel like I’ve been stranded on an island alone f-for years. I m-miss them so much. Y-you all have made it easier, but sometimes… Sometimes it’s too much.”
John placed a hand on Carter’s back and Richard offered a concerned look. “If you ever feel like that, feel free to call me.”
Carter sniffled and wiped away a forming tear. “I know, I know. You’ve told me before, and I almost did, but I thought that you wouldn’t need me bothering you in the middle of the day.”
“Carter, you know I would drop anything to come to your help. Only me dying could stop me.”
Carter leaned back in his chair and laughed even as he wiped away another tear. “Thank you, Dick, but please don’t go dying. You’re too nice for that.”
Richard smiled. “I don’t plan on it anytime soon, Carter. I still have so many more people to help.”
After a moment of silence, John took the initiative and started his own story. “I had a pretty big win this last week. I finally made it through a whole week without having suicidal thoughts.”
Richard smiled widely. “That's wonderful! I told you that you were making progress.”
“I know, but sometimes I feel like I have no purpose anymore. It’s overwhelming. My daughter is old enough to care for herself, I’m only working a menial labor job, I can’t find any hobbies to enjoy… I feel like nothing.”
“But you aren’t ‘nothing,’ you are you. And there is only one of you. I can’t go out and find another John, or another Carter, or Tunek, or Billy. You are all unique, and losing you would be a tragedy.”
Before I could stop myself, I spoke. “Am I really worth saving?”
Everyone went silent for a moment, caught off guard by my words. After Richard deciphered the sudden question, he gave a response with absolute certainty. “Absolutely. There is nothing in this world that can’t be forgiven or overcome.”
“Are you sure? After the things I’ve done… forget I said anything.”
Richard shook his head. “I can’t do that, Billy. I can’t willingly ignore someone in need.”
“I don’t need help. I’m getting exactly what I deserve for what I have done.”
“And what have you done?”
“I… I don’t want to talk about it.”
Richard sighed. “That’s okay, for now. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it, but for now, you can just listen if you want to.”
“Yeah. I think I’m just going to listen.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms, letting Tunek speak his mind. “I think I know what you are going through. Not the specifics, but I think I can get a general idea.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
Tunek was silent for a moment, before looking away from me and speaking. “I was on the Cradle when it fell, and on Sillis when the Arxur raided it, and on Milieu fighting off the Kolshians. I tried to save as many people as I could, but in the end, I could only make their passing less painful. I couldn’t even save my partner. I froze in the moment. I could have saved him. But I was frozen in fear. His death is entirely on my shoulders. I’m still fighting that to this day.”
I stared at Tunek for a second, before turning away and sighing. They didn’t know what I was going through, no one could. They didn’t know my crimes, if they did they would kick me out. Their problems, no matter how real, were nothing compared to mine. They still could be helped, I couldn’t.
Could I? If all these people could heal, why couldn’t I?
Because my crimes are too severe.
I… yeah…

My first best friend, who I'll call Melissa, and I met in kindergarten and were both 5 at the time. We both looked and smiled at each other. That was the day we became friends and it was the most happiest day of my childhood. I sat next to her and we were hanging out with each other every day.
We would do so many things at school with each other. We would sit on the carpet to play with the items the teacher put out for the class each morning. We would always do fun activities in the gym. We would sit at lunch, laugh about funny things we told each other, and hang out at recess every day. My favorite moment was when we were on the swings to see who would go the highest and just look at each other and smile. We did go to other parts of the playground but the swings was our favorite.
When we weren't in a classroom together with our teachers due to them having a different assigned classroom, we would still hang out in lunch and in recess because they released everyone at a certain time by grade level. For example, if we were in 1st grade and students were in a different classroom, the 1st graders would all be released at the same time while the other students in different grades remained in the same classroom. So even if Melissa and I were in different classrooms, we would always meet up and have a great time.
In 3rd grade, I found this girl who I'll call Leah. Leah and I would do pretty fun things together since we were in the same classroom and were hanging out with each other, but I'd still go and hang out with Melissa sometimes. I introduced Melissa to Leah and we basically became a friend group, or at least I thought it was a friend group.
During this time I was constantly having to pick sides with some of our things we were making up as kids. First, it was who I was to sit with at lunch. (Sometimes I wasn't lucky enough to sit with either of them because of a rule where we had to sit in a boy-girl pattern to apparently make everyone quieter during lunch time.) Then it was with some group or clan we made up during recess, Melissa was in "unicorn squad" and Leah was in "girl squad" (I made up the name of girl squad.) I would try to bring them both together but Melissa's friends and Leah's friends didn't get along too well. I had no other best friends besides the both of them and it kinda broke my heart to see them not get along as well as I was with them. Then on a very traumatic day in fourth grade that I still regret for the rest of my life, Melissa and Leah both came up to me and said "You have to pick one best friend." I said I wanted them both to be my best friends but Leah kept pushing that I only pick one. Then we made up a stupid contest to see who would win (my idea) and I was a little tired of it and made Leah win. I have never seen such a sad look on Melissa's face when we were about to leave for home. I ran after her and apologized, I tried to comfort her and I think it worked since we stopped the argument.
Later on in the year of 4th grade, Melissa and Leah had some new friends they were hanging out with. I was fine with it at first, but seeing as their friends were experiencing many joyful moments with my best friends without me, I grew hatred towards their friends. I became jealous of what they were doing. I tried everything as a 9 year old girl could possibly do to keep the relationship going between me and my best friends. I still sat with both of them at lunch and joined them in recess. When they were busy hanging out with their friends, I was left alone, wandering around the playground, doing the things my best friends and I used to do but alone this time. It became depressing just thinking about memories of me and my friends playing together in the past and having fun. Now I had to have fun but alone as I watch my best friends have fun with theirs instead of me. I became even more depressed and angry seeing other random friendships because they were having fun and not me. I felt so alone, hurt, betrayed, so much emotion. This grew into more extreme hate towards the friends of my best friends.
In 5th grade, I did everything I could to have fun with them, but for some reason, something felt off. We hung out less. We didn't sit at lunch every day. Then I found out something shocking. Leah was hanging out with other girls who would give her lunch money, (I gave her lunch money for quite a long time now so we would get snacks with my money I gave her) and was making videos with these girls. I then hated the girls because apparently in my mind, they were controlling and possessing my friend. They stole her away from me. Leah and I still hung out and I considered her my friend because I didn't understand the concept of being used for money. Leah would always invite me to make videos but I wasn't comfortable. I realized how much of a fake friend she was but I still gave her a chance to change but never happened. I went to hang out with Melissa more after this but this felt a bit off too. She was hanging out with this one girl a lot. She seems pretty happy to be with her instead of me more. Melissa was into anime and I wasn't, so that drifted us apart but I didn't see it. I wasn't really into any of my best friend's interests because I was still depressed and full of rage against these girls. I grew to hate everyone and everything and I only wanted to be with Melissa.
It was near the end of the year when I went to go with Melissa in the playground where we always used to go, the swings. She constantly kept moving away, switching swings of just walking away from me. This hurt a lot coming from a close friend like her. I went to hang out with Leah because I still had no friends besides the two of them. Leah as well, left me behind and I was there alone again. All this just fueled my anger against everything. I hated other people, I hated activities, I hated everything, including myself. I thought this was weird since I didn't express my hate that badly towards these other girls, although I did want them to through horrible and horrendous things because in my mind, they were stealing my friends. They took away the people who made me happy. I was getting worse from my mental health because I wanted nothing but my happiness and my best friends back. I had a few thoughts of kidnapping my best friends so they could be with me forever. I would be happy and experience all the happy moments we would share together again. It was pointless anyway because I was just a 10 year old and couldn't do anything.
During these final months before everyone was all homeschooled for a year, I noticed whenever I tried to be with Melissa, she moved away from me again. I tried many times to catch up with her but she continued moving away. I thought absolutely nothing of it because of a funny joke by the teachers saying we hung out too much and we should be separated. I found it funny because at the time, our friendship was strong and I thought nothing would ever separate us from having fun. So I just thought about it as if she was playing around with that joke. I gave up catching up after Melissa because I was tired and I thought she was playing the joke on me. It turns out, I overheard something she said and she said I was too clingy. I didn't know what it meant and I thought she said a funny word and thought nothing of it. Later on she asked me for a break. I said that it was fine and I thought she meant a break for one day (I thought breaks were meant to be short at the time) and we left each other alone.
It came a few days later where she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I then went to hang out with Leah, who I didn't hang out with for a long while, said she also didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I was broken by their words but I just thought it was all a joke to me, because I thought it was dumb to unfriend someone for hanging out with them every day.
Fast forward to 6th grade where we were homeschooled for a year, I was full of hope that I was going to be friends with Melissa again after a long time. Then came 7th grade where I was 12 and I continued to sit with her at lunch again, but this time I felt nothing. There were no fun conversations like we usually had back in elementary. I just felt like I wasn't meant to be there. I still felt the same loneliness, rage, and sadness back like I was in 5th grade. That's when I finally realized I was no longer her friend, and I had so much hate in myself for taking a year to realize I had been blind to all of this. I never felt so much sadness like that in my life. The two friends I had left me, I was really depressed by this reason, and now I constantly question myself wondering what I did wrong. I still grovel over them both. It's been a few years now. Did I do something wrong?

First things first, I have a massive crush on her, have had one for like 2 1/2 months now - known her for 4 I think. She knows I like her, my friend told her 😅. She usually stops talking to people who like her and she doesn’t reciprocate because she feels awkward but with me she hasn’t done that, the very opposite actually. We have been heavily flirting at work for ages like HEAVILY. We text all the time and act very flirty when it’s just us two or when there’s others around. She will compliment me a lot - she’s also said she’s had conversations abt me being gorgeous with people at our work 🥰.
We were super off our faces, she had taken mdma and was drunk, I was basically blacked out on alcohol - I barely remember the night, after we had hooked up.
It was a cinco de mayo event at a local bar everyone went to and she invited me to go, I went with our mutual friend and then she came after we arrived. It was going good, we were talking and dancing, and then we started drinking so much, like SO MUCH. I was being pulled to the bar for another margarita by her and all our friends (I’m here for it, free drinks, all good). The dancing started getting more touchy. She was dancing in front of me - I didn’t want to touch her because I didn’t want to be too much and make her uncomfortable lol. But we ended up being very very touchy infront of everyone and we kissed a lot.
She went somewhere so I went outside and called a taxi for me, then I sent a message to her saying “I hope u enjoy the rest of ur night see you tomorrow”… and then she texted me back “where are you?” And said I was out the front of the bar and she said “ok coming” and then she grabbed my hand, we went around the back and stated fully making out hardcore. We were touching eachother very sexually and saying compliments to eachother left right and centre. She said “let’s go back to yours you ordered a taxi” and I’m like “yes but the taxis been and gone (we were kissing for like 30 mins) let’s just go to yours it’s right down the road” but she lost her phone so we went to our boss’ friend (who owned the bar we were at) house for an after party.
I’ve seen her not much recently, she went on a holiday to see friends so it’s been two weeks. We met up in a nearby city to have lunch since I was there for an appointment and she was there seeing friends before she left. She said “I know we did stuff and we had a good time, but we will talk about us later on I think” - and I’m sort of confused what this means?! I saw her today for the first time in 2 weeks and we just caught up and it was nice. I just don’t know how to bring it up to her that we hooked up and we should talk about it since she mentions not remembering half of the night and I feel awful thinking she may have not remembered what we did together. She has mentioned that she knows though - mentioned above^ but I still feel like I need to talk to her about it to make sure. Help!