Messy lesson plans for preschool

Alright, so… I (18F) kinda made this reddit account just to get some feedback about this situation, since I’m too ashamed to ask my parents. The girl in question is 16, and is probably one of the most annoying people I’ve ever met…
(TLDR: This girl I was pretending to be friends with in High School obsessively fantasized about murdering someone for an entire semester, is overbearing as a person, interrogates people on a daily basis and is nosy, injects herself into drama that isn’t her own, throws temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, constantly touches people and makes unwarranted comments about girl’s bodies, asked me to draw CP for her, and MADE FUN OF HER SUICIDAL BROTHER. And I wrote a hate-letter telling her that all of this stuff is a problem, but now I feel bad about it because I think she might actually have mental issues. It’s a really wild ride and a long story, so if you choose to read it, you should expect to be here for a while. And it’s High School drama, so I’ll try to discard the boring details.)
At the beginning of this year, I ended up in a small Sports Medicine class with literally 8 students total in it. That made things quiet, which gave us some room to start talking and getting to know each other after the teacher was done with the lesson and we had our small hands-on tests and assignments out of the way. (The classes took about 20 minutes every day. Really quick and easy. Laid back. It met curriculum requirements actually, because there wasn’t constant bullshit from other students making the lesson longer.). There’s this girl, who… I’ll call her Storm. You’ll find out why. Storm quickly became the most annoying person in the class. Any time she talked, she didn’t have anything interesting to say, but just kept going on and on and on endlessly. It was annoying, but we just kinda played along to be nice. Well… Around a month into school, Storme started opening up and became comfortable talking about personal topics. She told us this story about how one of her other friends (I’ll call her Katie) “betrayed” her the previous year, and then went on to talk about how much she hated Katie and didn’t care if she lived or died. (Honestly, Katie’s offense was miniscule. At most, she replaced Storm with someone else as her best friend. You know… Regular High School drama that wasn’t that deep. I honestly forgot all of what Katie did because it was just so miniscule.) Then Storme started saying ludicrous stuff like “I hope she falls into a volcano”, or “I hope she gets eaten by sharks falling from the sky. Like Sharknado.”. But like… She kept saying it constantly, out loud in class. She ranted about how she wanted Katie to get kidnapped by the Mafia, be flown up to the moon, and be dropped into a black hole to become “Katie-spaghetti”. It was honestly really funny at first, so me and a few other people in the class joined in a little bit and added our own stupid, childlike scenarios. (Katie has a reputation for being… A slut. That’s why it was funny at first.) But then after this schtick got old, Storm just kept going and going and going… She ranted about Katie until it physically hurt to hear her talk anymore. She was back to being annoying and boring again, but it was worse this time because it was obvious that she was trying to re-kindle our intrigue without realizing that she should move on to something else. Instead of assessing herself, she just kept yapping until everyone rolled their eyes every time she opened her mouth, because we knew she would just keep going on and on about all of the stupid ways she wanted Katie to die. Even the damn teacher told her to stop doing that, but she never listened and the teacher eventually just gave up telling her off (And honestly, I think the teacher started zoning her out.). Katie then gradually started to get more morbid with the things she was saying, to the point where I genuinely considered calling the cops and getting this girl some grippy socks. She talked until she became red-faced, started tweaking, and laughed in a neurotic, nervous angry way while she started wringing out her trembling hands. She genuinely looked and sounded unhinged, and what didn’t help was that she started saying stuff like “There aren’t metal detectors in this school, right?”, and “I wish I wasn’t such a good person, because if I wasn’t, I’d be acting on my impulse to cave her skull in the next time I see her. One of these days I’m going to snap and then just do it..” …Yeah, so I was genuinely considering getting the police involved in this because of those two sentences. Thankfully Katie is safe and sound to this day and Storm never acted on these “impulses”. I’m so glad it worked out that I didn’t have to call the cops, but I was seriously worried for a minute… One of my other friends in that class, (I’ll call him Mark), eventually kinda snapped and called her out for being the annoying piece of crap she is. Quickly, Storm and Mark started getting into arguments just about every day and started throwing things like wads of wrapping-tape at each other, and I was becoming worried that they were going to start actually full-on fighting. It doesn’t sound logical in hindsight, but I ended up taking it upon myself to step in and start acting friendly toward her and listening to her (or pretending to listen to her) just to draw her attention away from him. Pretty soon she started talking mostly to me, and this was intentionally done on my part so that the other people in the class could relax a little bit and start doing whatever on their phones and zone her out instead of having to pretend to listen in agony. Ultimately, it was an exchange that benefited everyone, because after Storme got that angry energy out of her, she shut up for the day. She continued to talk about Katie, but mostly to me. She talked about this topic endlessly, her words getting increasingly violent until Christmas break. Yeah… 5 months. She ranted about the ways she wanted Katie to die for 5 whole months. Months. But then when she was done ranting, she finally shut up. …Oh God, the silence sounded like angels singing. I didn’t even really retain any of the information she spewed onto me, but holy crap, when it was over it was like heaven on Earth. So that’s what I did – I acted like the “lightning rod” for this Storm of a person until it passed (kinda). She wrote a note to Katie explaining “You hurt me really badly, but I’m a Christian so I forgive you and I hope you the best”... As if she didn’t rant about her for 5 months straight. Make it make sense. But enough about that. Here’s where my fuck ups began. I gave Storm my number and we quickly started saying that we were friends, though I didn’t actually like her at all and just wanted to keep the peace. We had a few things in common, but I still didn’t like her whatsoever. She continued to rant to me nonstop about Katie, even over text, and I was burnt out listening after a while. So… To dampen the impact of this girl’s obsessive ramblings, I started sending her pictures of my drawings. (I’m an artist). I had characters that I liked to draw that are ocs of an anime fandom (all of which are underage), and she seemed to calm down a bit and hyper-focus on them. She even has a folder in her phone’s gallery completely dedicated to storing my artwork. That’s great and all, but… One day, the topic of Wattpad came up in one of our conversations. I, myself, was one of those cringy Wattpad 12 year olds who made the most illiterate fanfictions ever to be conceived by a human being (They’ve long since been deleted. Thank God, those were awful.) Then… The topic of “Wattpad smut” came up, because I admitted that I used to read those because of the awful grammar and I thought it was funny. I still do sometimes, actually. The way people on Wattpad can’t write to save their lives is just hilarious. Like the stupid “Shrek x Donald Trump” ones are the ones that make me wheeze. I don’t take them seriously, and I love it when the author doesn’t take it seriously either. It’s hilarious. …But then this asshole said: “I don’t like to read bad grammar, it makes me mad. But I do like to read that type of content… For a different reason”. So uhh… That’s… Weird. But then she asked: “Have you found any… Good ones? Do you have any recommendations? Asking for a friend.” …FUCK NO. No thank you. Nope, I’m done. No jerkoff material for you, ma’am. Nope. You’re done. Seriously, I put down my phone for a little bit and went outside to go stare at some birds at the bird feeder until my sickness went away. I fell nauseous because of that (though in hindsight, that seems like an overreaction). When I came back, I didn’t answer that question and kinda skated past it, and that seemed to be the end of it. …But there is NEVER an end with Storm. She DID forget about the resolution to that conversation, but since we talked about smut to begin with, she started asking me some questions about my art. She asked if I had ever drawn p0rn in my life. Of course, I didn’t really admit to anything. I skated past it too, but then she said: “I think (character 1) and (character 2) are really cute together… Like… Really, really cute together.”. That’s great, she likes my characters… Cool, cool. And then my worst nightmare: “Have you ever drawn p0rn of them?” …Of course I didn’t, because that would be CP… Plus I’ve never thought of those characters as being “sexual”... They’re literally 14 and 15 years old. Then basically, she made an indirect “suggestion” for me to draw them together. I said fuck no. Hell fucking no. She tried to convince me to draw them “aged up”, but again I refused. She eventually dropped it, but since then, she passively talked about things of that nature… Like if she saw a guy she thought was cute, she’d tell me she thought he’s cute or hot or gorgeous or whatever and allude to -other- awkward desires that I didn’t want to know about. She put me off from drawing those characters ever again. I haven’t drawn them since and I don’t take my sketchbook to school anymore because I don’t want her to see my drawings and be reminded of that BS.
But enough about that… Storm is a church-going girl, and so she has a few church-going friends. (This also makes everything I’ve said before all the more ironic.). One day when I was transitioning from my 5th to 6th period, I saw her talking angrily to one of her church friends (I’ll call her Isabelle) outside the school building. Storm was accusing Isabelle of lying about smoking weed/vaping and drinking, and she seemed to be so interested in it that you’d think it had an impact on her personally. Isabelle denied doing that, and they eventually parted ways to go to class. I walked with Storm to 6th period (the Sports Medicine period), and I asked her why she was so damn interested in Isabelle’s habits. Know what she said? Storm said “I just don’t like liars.”... So let me get this straight: She thought she had the right to interrogate someone half to death because she just “doesn’t like liars”? Make that make sense. I’ve heard many stories about how Storm interrogates other people, too. If she sees a guy/girl’s name pop up on the screen of someone she knows, she’ll pester them until they give her one of two answers: either “I’ll tell you later”, or the actual answer. She’s done that to me too, in front of everyone in class. The thing that upsets me about this is that she claims to be “nosy”, but thinks it’s a positive attribute rather than an annoying one. She brags about being “nosy” sometimes.
And the sexual assault… Since we were in a sports medicine class, our projects involved a lot of hands-on things. That didn’t bother me by itself, but with Storm, it was a nightmare. This girl, in the process of strapping an ice bag to my thigh, called my thighs “small”, and said that I have a “beautiful body”. We also did shoulder stretching stuff the next week, and I happened to fall under her care while she stared into my eyes and made weird faces at me, all the while she made sound effects and made the process much more uncomfortable than it needed to be. One week, we ended up as partners again and she ended up wrapping my shoulder. This shoulder-wrap wasn’t an issue for me, but having her as a partner made it an issue. As expected, she made sound effects, but this time she stated the obvious as if it was new information that nobody would have ever suspected: “Wow, this is squishing your boobies huh?”... Emphasis on the word “boobies”. Jesus Fucking Christ, it was already awkward as hell before she even brought that up, why would she say something like that?? I didn’t even realize that until she brought it up. In fear of being subjected to her uncomfortable BS again and feeling violated, I texted her and told her that she’s been making me feel uncomfortable, and to please stop being so…. Weird. I get it’s an awkward thing to wrap up your classmate’s thigh, but that’s a moment to keep comments to yourself. Her response? “I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY-” Just… Stop it. I didn’t introduce the topic as a big deal and told her not to worry about it, but she kept apologizing for it nonstop. Just endlessly, like everything else. Even when I tried to change the subject to something else, she just kept apologizing for it practically until she went to bed. (She has a bedtime at 9:30… At 16 years old.) All of this stuff contributed to my overall hatred toward her. I don’t like her at all, and it’s a wonder I didn’t explode and insult her entire personality and deplorable behavior to her face (Meg Griffin style). Things are just so awkward and awful whenever she opens her mouth, and it just doesn't ever stop. But because of all of this, when it came time for my Senior prom, I decided to secretly invite one of my friends from that class as a plus one, and NOT Storm. I was worried that if I told her that to her face, I would all of a sudden be the new “Katie” in her conversations, because the infraction Katie did was so miniscule that it seemed to be less like a “betrayal” than what I did. (In hindsight, it was probably the other way around.) So… I just kept the whole thing to myself and so did the friend I took to prom (I’ll call her Beyonce. Because… She loves Beyonce.).

If this wasn’t bad enough, strap in because not even three weeks ago, Beyonce was doing her usual schtick of making fun of random things. She once made fun of cool whip and the entire state of Texas at the same time and somehow made it make perfect sense. She should really have a comedy show, I swear. But this time, Beyonce was making fun of the name “Gage”, saying “Why would anyone name their kid after a 12-gage shotgun?” and “People named Gage seem untrustworthy. I wouldn’t want to be near one in a zombie apocalypse, because he’d just feed me to those fuckers.”. Funny stuff. Storm then said “My brother’s name is Gage”, and in order to preserve the flow of the conversation (and also to tick her off a little, I’m ngl), Beyonce asked her: “Is your brother untrustworthy?” And then without a single millisecond wasted, she said, in a Disney Channel comedy fashion: “Welll… We can’t trust him with his own life, sooo…”.. And then she laughed as if it was funny. Like.. Rib-stitches type of laughing. ….So then the others (understandably) went quiet, which left only me and her talking for a moment after her laughter quieted down. She complained about how confused she is that nobody finds her joke funny, and said that her joke had the “perfect timing and everything”... So then my idiot ass decided to say what I was thinking at that moment: “You don’t seem to be taking it seriously. That’s your brother, but you don’t sound sympathetic at all.” She tried to “defend” herself, but Mark interjected into the conversation and changed the course of it entirely, which just left her to sit there in silence, pouting. I felt bad for that statement, so I apologized for it over text when I got home from school. Quickly, we erupted into an argument, (with me holding back), and she ended up saying “What does it matter to you? He’s not your brother. If Beyonce said that about her brother, you’d laugh. But when I do, it’s bad.”. Beyonce’s brother is 8 years old…. So no, that would be even worse. …So then I had to explain to her how human decency works, and how making fun of your s*icidal siblings isn’t funny whatsoever and how that joke could be considered to be in very poor taste, even for people who like dark humor. When me, Beyonce or Mark made “suicide” jokes, it was about OURSELVES and it was usually in a statement like “I don’t want to take a test next period, I’m gonna kms.”... …Storm ended up getting so mad that we weren’t having a conversation anymore; we were just throwing shit around. I told her that if she was being livestreamed at that moment, she’d be bashed on the whole internet for a week or so and be called “evil” for that joke. In hindsight I shouldn’t have said that, but my goal was just to tell her how insensitive others might perceive her comment to be. She said that it wasn’t my business to tell her how to feel about her own brother, but I wasn’t doing that at all, that wasn’t my angle whatsoever – I was just explaining what people find funny. I even said repeatedly that I wasn’t trying to tell her how to feel, and that I know comedy can help lighten situations, but somehow she forgot about that part. And then she went on this whole thing about ending every massive text block with “Not that it’s YOUR business, or anything” to snap at me, despite me being in the room at the time of the joke... So I ended the conversation right then and there because it was pointless to keep going and I really didn’t want to spend any more energy on her. The next day, I apologized to her again. I retracted my statements and told her that I was sorry for talking out of line. She accepted the apology, and things went back to “normal”. She forgot about it, but I didn’t. …So here are the reasons why I feel bad, before I delve into the contents of the “hate letter” I wrote to her. Here’s a list of my crimes: 

I pretended to be her friend for an entire school year. - I hid the fact that I was going to prom with Beyonce from her, and then lied to her face repeatedly whenever she asked if I went to prom or not. - I got into business that wasn’t my own and criticized her. - I wrote a hate-letter to her that I directed her to read at home on the last day of school.
…Here’s why I feel bad: Storm doesn’t seem to be emotionally intelligent and is unable to control her mouth whenever she feels strong emotions. She talks nonstop about her second cousin’s friend’s pet hamster’s wife’s sister’s drama, hoping we’ll find something funny or interesting or impressive, while seeming unable to understand that she needs to change her tune. All she wants is to be listened to and understood, but nobody can and nobody truly wants to. She feigns confidence and goes overboard with compliments in the hopes of catching the attention of people who want to be friends with her. She’s not used to change and is very naive, to the point where (just yesterday) she quit her job at a fast food restaurant after only the first day of working there. For the longest time she didn’t have access to the internet, so she doesn’t really have a means to connect with other people through sharing videos or memes or whatever. …I feel like a bad person because I knowingly, intentionally played into all of this just for the pathetic reason of making her shut up in class. It’s despicable what I did, and I’m beating myself up for it every day. I was just originally going to leave the school, block her and never talk to her ever again in my life, but when she made that joke about her brother, I decided (stupidly) to take it upon myself to be the bearer of bad news. I gave her a letter. Within the “hate letter”, it isn’t actually hate, per se. It’s more like… A report on the behavior she needs to fix, as well as an admission to my lies over the course of this whole year. I told her the awful truth. I told her about everything I mentioned in this post and tried to keep it “professional”, though I did end up going as far as to say “you have all of the attributes of an obnoxious piece of stale bread”........... And what’s worse is… I told her to read it on the last day of school, and my reasoning is pathetic at best. I told her to read it on the last day of school because I didn’t want her to burden the class with her nonstop ranting about me, since she, Mark and Beyonce are sophomores and I’m the only senior in the “friend group”, which means that I left the school an entire week earlier than them. I’ve been intentionally delaying her pain and still talking to her over text acting like things are “normal” so that she doesn’t read it early, knowing damn well that on that last day of school, my words are going to hurt her so badly that she might not be able to recover for a while. In the letter, I told her that by the time she reads it, I would have already blocked her because I don’t want any more conversation with her due to me feeling so bad and having nothing more to say. If the plan goes right, she’ll read it on May 23rd, and on that day I will block her.

I feel awful for all of this. I feel like a monster for this. It’s painful knowing that I’m going to cause her pain and that I planned when it’s going to happen, but at the same time I feel like she deserves it. But at the same time, I know damn well that it wasn’t my place to do that. I should have left everything alone. Nobody I can talk to irl would even hear me out; they’d just stop at the words “hate letter”, which means my only option is to seek advice from people on Reddit. Do my motives for doing things make sense? Am I actually a bad person for this? Am I the asshole? Does she deserve what she’s getting? 

Edit 1: I removed some asterisks (they're annoying).

Considerations on Sexual Immorality, Gender Identity, and my friends Non-Denominational Church.
A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement to and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

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Synopsis:
Carlos was an ordinary software engineer on Earth, up until he died and found himself in a fantasy world of dungeons, magic, and adventure. This new world offers many fascinating possibilities, but it's unfortunate that the skills he spent much of his life developing will be useless because they don't have computers.
Wait, why does this spell incantation read like a computer program's source code? Magic is programming?
___
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"So, in short, the most stuck-up bully of my life is now begging for our help to fulfill his greatest dream, because we've happened to become his only remotely realistic hope of achieving it. Do I have that right?"
Carlos looked up from his plate of succulent roasted meats and vegetables, all covered generously with a rich gravy, and raised an eyebrow at Amber. They were in Mayor Stelras's personal dining room, enjoying the service of his personal chef. "You know you do. You've read the letter yourself, what, a dozen times now?"
Amber set the letter aside yet again and took another bite of her own lunch. "Yeah, I know. It's just…" She shook her head and chuckled. "Out of all the things that happened the last few weeks, this one is somehow the hardest for me to believe is real. It's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. I've personally met and spoken with royalty! Kindar should be nothing compared to that! But, somehow… This is hitting me harder than anything."
Carlos nodded calmly. "Makes sense to me. The presence of royalty is completely new to you. It's huge and important, and far beyond anything you ever expected might happen, but the only thing you've experienced before that's different is its absence. You don't have any memories in the back of your mind telling you 'that's not how this is supposed to work.' For Kindar, you have a lifetime of memories telling you that he's more powerful and better supported than you are, and that you're mostly helpless against his bullying. Now that you're the one in power, and he's the one helpless against you, that's not just new, but contradicts a lot of your past experiences. Some part of you in the back of your mind is having difficulty reconciling the contradiction; it's like you have a subconscious voice shouting 'that's wrong; it's not how this is supposed to work!' For meeting Princess Lornera, that voice is only confused and surprised, not feeling like something's wrong."
"Hmm." Amber cocked her head and paused. She looked down and idly speared another forkful of tender steak. She made a few more contemplative sounds as she chewed and swallowed. "That makes some weird kind of sense. I think." She shook her head. "How did you know that? I never would have figured it out."
Carlos chuckled. "Don't feel bad about it. Not many people would ever figure out that kind of thing about how human minds work without being taught. I certainly didn't. My dad's a therapist, and he taught me a lot."
Amber blinked, then blinked again. "I have never heard of that profession before. In fact, I think it doesn't exist here."
Carlos realized on reflection that "therapist" hadn't translated. There was no word for it in Ganler, the native language here. "Huh. … I hadn't thought about it, but I'm not surprised. It took a long time for people where I grew up to realize that kind of thing can be important. Or maybe the hard part was realizing that it takes education and training to do it well."
"Ah."
They ate mostly in silence for a while, occasionally humming in thoughtful consideration while they chewed. Eventually Amber was leaning on her elbow, just watching as Carlos scraped up a few last bits of gravy from his plate. She stared distantly at nothing. "Hmm… You know, I'm tempted to actually accept, just so I can rub his face in how I succeeded better at his own greatest ambition than he ever will."
"Hmm? Oh right, Kindar." Carlos chuckled. "I imagine a few sessions of smugly condescending to him would be rather cathartic revenge for you. Would it be worth the downside of helping him actually achieve his ambition, at least to a minor degree, though? I'm sure that if Darmelkon had any other viable options for helping his son with this, he would have taken care of it years ago. If we refuse, we'll be denying Kindar from achieving his ambition at all. Wouldn't that be better revenge?"
"Logically, yeah, that makes sense. But it just doesn't feel satisfying to me." Amber took a sip of water and pushed her empty plate away. "I want to show him how badly we outclass him now. I want to see his face when he realizes that he will never measure up to the 'annoying stupid girl' he used to tease."
Carlos put his hands together, resting his elbows on the table, and rested his chin on his hands as he looked at Amber. "Not to mention how much money Darmelkon will pay us for doing it." His voice was calm and level.
Amber nodded quickly. "Yes, that too."
"You realize we're already rich now, right? Receiving taxes, and all that."
Amber threw her head back laughed uproariously. When her laughter finally tapered off, she leaned forward and looked Carlos in the eyes. "You may have heard that Darmelkon is rich, but you clearly don't understand how filthy rich he really is. Yes, I was shocked when he offered a hundred gold bounty for finding us back before we became nobles, but that was only because I didn't know why he considered us valuable. For this? For helping his son achieve his otherwise impossible greatest desire? A price in platinum would be cheap! I would bet that he'll pay in mythril and be glad about it."
"Hmm." Carlos quickly did the math in his head. 100 gold was roughly equivalent in value here to a million dollars on Earth, and is also equal to 1 platinum. So 1 million dollars per platinum. 100 platinum is 1 mythril. So each mythril coin is around the same order of magnitude value as 100 million dollars. Just 10 mythril to match a billion dollars. "Okay, that's more than I thought. So he's a major business tycoon? What the hell is he doing living in a backwater in the middle of nowhere like Erlen?"
Amber shrugged. "I have no idea. Ask him."
Carlos stared for a moment and snorted. "I suppose it doesn't matter." He took a deep breath. "Alright, I guess we're at least seriously considering it after all. So, let's break it down, pros and cons. Pros: personal satisfaction for you, Darmelkon loses any basis for claiming we still owe him a favor, and we get a ridiculous amount of money. Cons: Kindar becomes a noble. Also, we have to put up with him being here for a while. Anything else?"
"Another one for pros: Even with the favor and Darmelkon paying so much, Kindar himself will personally owe us, bigtime." Amber grinned. "His house will just about be permanent vassals in service to us."
Carlos hesitated, then frowned. "… Just how much, and how long, do you intend to keep paying him back for how he treated you?"
Amber raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "…Until I get tired of it? I don't know."
"I'm all for giving him a well-deserved comeuppance, turning the tables, and giving him a taste of his own medicine to teach him a lesson. But I will not countenance continuing to humiliate and abuse him long term!" Carlos shook his head emphatically. "If we do that, we would be bullies just as bad as he was. I hate bullies, and I refuse to be one."
Amber slowly lowered her eyes, blushed, and nodded shyly. "I… You're right. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I'm sorry for suggesting it."
Carlos leaned forward and reached out to gently put his right hand on top of her hands. "It's okay. What's important is that you recognize your mistakes, learn from them, and make yourself a better person. My parents taught me that very, very thoroughly."
"Yeah." Amber sighed and shook herself. "Thanks. I'll try to remember that. And… Should we just call off the whole idea?"
"Only if you truly want to." Carlos squeezed her hands gently. "If you can get some satisfaction without taking it too far, then that's completely okay, and you were right that there are serious benefits to it. Even having him as a vassal house, as long as we treat him reasonably. Though… Hmm." He frowned. "There has to be a reason why strong noble houses aren't raising up new vassal nobles all the time, right? It's not all that hard to make a noble soul plan if you know the requirements details."
"I suppose. Lorvan probably knows the reason."
Carlos nodded. "Yeah. I feel like he might just ask if we can figure it out ourselves, like he did about nobles keeping mana wellsprings, though…" He shrugged. "I'm sure Darmelkon knows too, and he wouldn't have asked if the Crown forbids it, or anything like that. He's ambitious and ruthless, not stupid. We should ask, certainly, but I expect any consequences we might have overlooked will be manageable. As I see it, the core question is just…" Carlos reached his other hand forward, firmly clasped and lifted both of Amber's hands, and looked her in the eyes. "Amber, what do you want to do with this?"
Amber stared back for a moment, then averted her gaze. "Don't you have an opinion about this too? Why are you only asking me?"
"Of course I have an opinion, but all he did to me was loan me a sword in a dungeon and then act rude and arrogant when he demanded it back afterward. You are the one who grew up being bullied by him. How to treat him matters far more to you than it possibly could to me." Carlos squeezed Amber's hands reassuringly. "Amber, please, look at me." He waited, and after a few seconds Amber hesitantly turned her head to face him directly again. "My opinion on this is that I want our response to be something that you will be content and happy with. All other relevant considerations that I can think of are less important than that."
Amber stared and slowly nodded. "I… Thank you." She squeezed Carlos's hands back and awkwardly extracted her hands from his grip so she could lean forward and rest her head on them, propped up by her elbows on the table. "I think… I do want to accept, but maybe with some conditions. I still want to show him up in person and see his reaction. Part of me still feels afraid of him, and I want to prove to myself that he doesn't have the power to threaten me anymore. That seems like something your 'therapists' would say something about. Would they say it's a good idea? Do you know?"
Carlos nodded. "Yes, absolutely. Standing up to something you used to fear is a great way to resolve residual fear of it that lingers in your mind."
"Then, yeah. I want to do that, and I do still want to get some payback." Amber hesitated. "But if I start bullying people like he did, I'd start hating myself as soon as I realize it. So, no bullying. And that goes for Kindar too. If he can't learn to stop being a bully, then he doesn't deserve what he wants. Let's give him a chance. Make our conditions clear, and demand partial payment up front, but give him an opportunity to earn our help."
"That sounds fair." Carlos cocked his head and frowned in thought. "Having him with us may require adjusting some of our plans. … Actually, we're overdue for making certain plans in the first place. I got a bit too carried away with my excitement over all the spell keywords we can learn now. Sorry."
Amber grinned. "Have you forgotten that I told you I'm well known for always having a plan? What do you think I've been doing the past two days?"
Carlos raised an eyebrow, then grinned back at her. "Oh really? Let's see what you've got!"
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I am at my lowest point.
From Ukraine, refugee in a European country, above middle-class family by European standards.
From being motivated as fuck for 2024 having around 10k$ in assets, mid relationship with my parents, good grades to finish the semester and a really good mindset, forgetting about how i feel about not being in a place i dont like to call home. I was addiction free except the average vape cigarette yadda yadda, i was making great money online, good in school and had a really good mood 80% of the time.
After the beginning of the second semester I went from doing that good to eventually starting to get myself in a shithole one step at a time (there were a lot of steps). I started gambling heavily, not an average one day bender but now all my money goes on it, of which I have almost none (2k$) left, completely quitting what I did to make money or study and having no motivation to restart. I had periods of alcoholism where I drank up to a bottle of jager in one day. Alone or at parties where I just left after an hour to go back home and rot. My grades are at a low low low!! I suck balls in school, play brawl stars in half the lessons etc. AND on top of all that I dabble in hard drugs which make me go geeked mode and I sit at my desk tweaking balls to not do the shit i have to do and not even think about it, not mega hard shit but light benzos that I mostly get off the dark web.
Worst of all of this is the gambling problem I have which is literally works like heroin on your brain. I'm fucked for life because i have a developping brain with 6 years of gambling addiction (xandemic type shit).
I get no joy from anything except those sources and long walks, which I still usually have a beer with but even without the beer I enjoy them cuz they feel like an escape.
I am writing this whole thing because opening up is the best thing as everyone tells me but I never do it because I really am embarrassed about this deep hole I dug myself into and am struggling to get out of. I am gonna give myself a "self diagnosis" of social anxiety due to me not talking to almost anyone new because i literally start shaking and make things really weird 99% of the time. I do not know where to vent except the few friends i had back in Ukraine who i am now disconnected with because of my mental health (my fault completely, i was a burden and yapped too much about my problems not taking in consideration theirs).
I have a huge exam coming up in 2 weeks and i have not been doing shit neither do i plan to because it really feels like i don't care. I literally want to rot and stop being a shame in this family of hard workers where in 2 generations my elders went from being dirt broke slavs to quite a good financial situation. I have no one in family who struggles/struggled with any addictions nor is that even talked about.
I feel really embarassed, am scared and ashamed to talk about these problems to anyone close with the fear of abandonement or losing the "close" people i have left. I do not know what there is left to do. I am stuck in the past, living in Ukraine, being 14 and playing video games on discord. That life is far gone now.
venting this heavy for the first time, am sweating while writing this, want to delete it all but after all if i post it, worst thing that can happen is that nothing changes.

Abby put up her posters around camp the night before. One at the entrance of the arena, forge, medic cabin, armory, and a few other strategic places. She had planned on making a scarf for herself, but then she had the idea to invite other people, so she signed up to host it as an activity. Maybe she could make a few new friends this way, too.
Join me in the arts and crafts cabin for knitting lessons on Tuesday at 12:45pm. Make your own scarf, hat, or blanket! Snacks and drinks will be provided!
Abby had learned pretty quickly that the key to getting stuff from the camp store was to just be polite and ask nicely. Which was good, because she didn't have any drachmas whatsoever. Maybe she should sign up for a job sometime. She hadn't left camp at all since she'd arrived nearly a month ago. On a job, she'd be able to get out for a bit and maybe even make a friend.
The hour before the lesson was set to start, she gathered up baskets of yarn and knitting needles from around the arts and crafts cabin and set them on each table. Next came the snacks. Chips, pretzels, and cheese puffs, along with bottles of water and soda to wash them down. When other kids started to show up, she began showing them how to make their first stitches.
"You wrap it around the needle like this," she said, demonstrating with her own. "To make the stitch, you interlock them like this."
Before long, the kids that had showed up were making their first few rows of stitches. Abby felt proud that she had come this far, that she could teach others and have them be successful. She grabbed a bag of chips from the table and munched on them as she worked on her own scarf. It would have a bright orange base with the phases of the moon in the center, done in black. The full moon, half moons, quarter moons, and crescent moons would extend out from the middle. It was a bit of a complex idea, especially for knitting, but she was excited to see how it would turn out.
"Don't hesitate to ask if you have questions," she said to the room at large.

Would love advice/insights from employer and nannies on how to handle a more dramatic than anticipated transition for our nanny please!
Our FT nanny started April 2023 when my son was 3 months old. Both my husband and I work from home, so it's been an ideal setup to have proximity to the baby, and still maintain our careers. I had a rough first year PP, navigated through PP depression and anxiety while also keeping up with an extremely demanding tech startup executive leader role. I'll always be grateful to our nanny for caring for our son with love and attention.
We are on a FT schedule with our nanny, she is paid in cash, guaranteed 45 hours per week, 1 week paid vacation, and continues to be paid for 45 hours even if we're on vacation or her hours drop below this threshold. Her hourly rate is on the generous side for our geography (ranging 15-40% higher than other caregivers I know of). We have paid her generous year end bonus, monetary gifts for her birthday/work anniversary, her son's graduation, etc. My husband got her college aged son a paid internship after she asked for the favor. Overall, I feel we have been generous employers and have gone above & beyond when we are able to.
Unfortunately my job became an untenably toxic environment and I made the difficult decision to resign. This has been the most challenging and overwhelming period for me of back to back personal mental health struggle, followed by professional thrash - none of which could have been planned for when we hired the nanny in April 2023. I decided to take this summer off to focus on bonding with my son (since I have very few actual memories from summer 2023, likely due to the extreme work stress and the PPD). This means we don't need our nanny full time anymore.
First conversation with our nanny: I disclosed my resignation and my plan to take the summer off to focus on my son, which means I don't have need for 45 hours of childcare. I asked her if she's open to other household tasks (cooking, cleaning), or childcare during evenings/weekends. She was not positive about any of the alternative options, so I told her I will follow up with a proposed modified schedule.
We found out my FIL passed away unexpectedly the following week, so had to rush to be with family and deal with all the funeral logistics. This was...difficult for us. And planning for the nanny's summer arrangements admittedly was paused while we dealt with this emergency.
We come back from the funeral, discuss the summer arrangement - and landed at realistically only needing ~20 hours of weekly childcare, and the decision to transition our son into pre school in the fall.
Second conversation with our nanny: my husband handled this one. We offered to pay her FT for the next 4 weeks, the latter 2 weeks being only on a 20 hour PT schedule. We offered her ongoing 20 hours per week PT schedule for remainder of summer, then preschool starting fall. We reiterated our appreciation for her hard work, and explained the unexpected combination of my resignation, our son's desire for socialization/more outside exploration (i.e. - school being a more appropriate fit for him now than home care).
She responded very negatively and felt that we 1. blindsided her with the decision to move to preschool in the fall; 2. did not provide her with adequate care in the notice given; 3. accused me of lying to her previously.
It has been extremely uncomfortable since. My attempt to acknowledge her feelings and offer to speak has been rejected and her attitude has changed to cold and hostile toward us. She remains kind to my son.
Given this unfortunate reception - I no longer feel comfortable with her staying on part time since I feel this is a net drain on my family's energy and untenable for my mental health to have a frustrated and irritated employee in my home after a very difficult year. We toured a preschool today with an opening for this summer, which my son instantly fell in love with, and I would like to shift to a PT preschool this summer instead of continuing with the nanny PT.
If you've made it this far, THANK YOU! How would you suggest I handle this next conversation with our nanny to minimize the ill will and to be as kind as possible to her?

Story time Long text ahead:
So my uncle/friend ni father since bata pa sold a 610sqm agricultural land for 720k to my father. Nag down si papa ng 220k. The remaining 500k will be given after a few months pa. Walang deed of sale or any contract since matalik na kaibigan ni father si uncle at ganito talaga sila mag transact dalawa ever since. Nag sabi si father na e dedevelop nya na yung lot at pumayag si uncle. Nag start patambak ng lupa si father since parang fish pond yung area dahil doon lahat tapon ng tubig pag ulan. Pinaganda din yung area at sinimulan agad e develop pra maging maliit na tirahan. Unfortunately nung few days before kami mag babayad na kay uncle na hospital si father because of his liver cirrhosis. So na delay yung bayad dahil na din na operahan si father. After a few days makalabas ni father sa hospital he passed away dahil nag progress na yung cirrhosis nya to liver cancer at nagka internal bleeding sya.
While nka burol si father tuloy pa din ang pag develop sa lot at pwede na tirhan. Kita talaga ang inprovement ng lot.
After i think around more than 1 month(?) pagka tapos ng mga pamahiin ng matatanda lumapit kami sa uncle ko to pay for the lot pero sabi nya nag bago na daw ang price dahil sa gumanda na ang lot(kami nag pa ganda) from 720k to 3.5m. Nalaman din namin na nawawala ang original title ng lupa at di pa to naka pangalan sa uncle ko. Nakapangalan pa to sa pinag bilhan na lupa ng uncle ko. At currently ongoin din ang annulment nila ng wife nya.
Though kaya din naman siya bayaran sana for 3.5m dahil ito din ang last/unfinished transaction ni father gusto na lang namin bumackout dahil: 1. Di worth 3.5m ang 610sqm agricultural land nya 2. Di pwede/mahirap e convert to commercial. Pati na din residential ata(?) 3. Di pa clean ang 3.5m since ang titulo na di pa nakapangalan sa kanya ay missing. At sigurado kami pagbabayarin if kailangan pa ng mga perma2 ng kapatid/anak ng original owner 4. Trust issue. He took advantage ang pagkamatay ng father ko. 5. Ongoing ang annulment nilabg mag asawa. Though he said di na mag hahabol mga anak nya at wife we dont trust him na tlaga.
Yes lesson learned na din to sa amin mga anak. My brother and i decided to be as petty as possible. Aside sa kunin ang mga pwede pang magamit like glass and mga bakal na ginamit. What can we do (within the law) to be petty? We plan on putting cement sa mga drainage pipe para di magamit. Ruin the wall and tiles. Remove electrical wires. Any suggestion pa? Also thanks for reading my story.

My ex and I were together for seven years, we broke up a year and a half ago, stopped talking fully and really closed the relationship a year and a couple of months ago. I believed they were the live of my life, and they said the same about me. We went through so many things together, thought about a life together, a family together. I was planning on proposing to them, and they blindsided me, they cheated on me and broke up and moved out in a matter of weeks, and we had little contact afterward.
I felt and feel shattered by what has happened, not only the grief of losing them but the way it happened, this person who claimed I was the love of their life behaved with no consideration towards me, their behavior was continuously inconsiderate, messy and hurtful after the breakup. They continued dating who they cheated with, eventually broke up with him and now they’re partnered.
A few days ago I stalked their socials and they talked about this new person they’re dating, whom they have been dating for a year, as the love of their life, and insinuating wanting to marry him. Yesterday my mom told me she saw that they were with their family in Argentina, with the new partner. These people who were my family. I feel so disposable, and replaced. Like it took nothing for someone new to take my place, my role, like it was nothing.
I have had a profound year of grief and sorrow, it sent me into a deep depression and i have recently started meds. I see myself struggling so much while they’re traveling and showing of their new love of their life.
I do not know how to recover.

Hi! I'm a prefrosh and I was just curious about what it would be like to start a new instrument at Yale.
I play the cello and I love it--I'm definitely planning to continue with it as my main instrument. So starting another instrument would be more of a light-hearted thing.
However, if I did want to start another instrument, would it be feasible? I'm especially wondering about buying/loaning/renting the instrument and the accessibility of beginner lessons. I'm also assuming that the prospects of this would change depending on the instrument: for example, the piano versus the double bass (I would love to try to break into the jazz world).
Anyways, have any of you guys had any experiences with trying new instruments? Or have you heard about anything? Or if you just have advice I would appreciate it. Thanks! 💙

I would like to apply for a preschool job and the posted rate is less than I would like to receive by about $2-$3. Is it okay to apply to jobs that you plan to ask for more pay than advertised?

Salutations, fellow petty revengers!
This is a story from my youth. To briefly sum up the situation: nearby where I live there is a road that goes all around my city. The particular section in this story comes up a slight hill then it goes downward for quite a while, maybe a full mile, and at the end of it there is a big parking area for a local big store.
One of those days, a traffic cop had made that downward mile stretch his "feeding trough" spot. He parked his car behind some bush and hid behind it, waiting for a passing car to suddenly jump out and stop. Note: this is not in the US, so the cops here don't need a probable cause to stop cars.
So, one night, he stopped me in my car. Very rude, very condescending, very sure of himself, arrogant, I-am-above-God attitude. He checked my documents (all in order), checked the car (all in order), checked everything and all was in order. Then he showed me his radar gun and it showed way over the speed limit.
Now, I knew for a fact that I wasn't speeding. I don't know what he had done to the instrument, maybe he didn't reset it from the previous reading, maybe it wasn't working at all, I don't know. But he wrote me a ticket for driving 32km/h (20 mph?) over the limit.
Same thing happened the next night when I was going home from a gathering with friends. This time I knew he might be there, so I was extra careful with my speed. He saw my lights, jumped out to stop me, and showed me the radar: 32km/h over the speed limit. The exact same number from last night. And I knew the jig is on.
It's a big part of our "cop culture" here that the first thing a cop says when he comes up to your window is not "License and registration", it's "You're speeding, what are we gonna do now?" And most people prefer to give the cop some part of the ticket's value instead of paying it to the state in full. This cop has made this spot his personal money maker.
I knew that I can't prove anything or do anything about it back then. Remember, this is not the US, we don't have your guys' luxuries. My word against his would always end with him winning in those days. Exceptions were truly rare. So, I knew I had to get him another way.
That weekend I gathered my friends, and we cooked a plan. We waited for the evening, and I was ready at the start of the stretch. We confirmed the cop was again there, and we began. I drove down, he stopped me, I said "Good evening, officer "Mike", he looked at me and said "We know our lesson now, do we?" I nodded, gave him a 20, and he let me go.
I drove to the parking area, parked my car, jumped in a friend's car, we went out of the parking area, made a U-turn, drove the mile back up the hill and switched places. I then drove down again, he stopped the new car, came to my window, I said, "Good evening, officer "Mike" with a 20 in my hand. He was stunned and just waved me to go.
I went to my friends, we laughed for several minutes, then I got into yet another car, did the same drive and the same switch. This time he didn't even come to the window. He shone his flashlight, saw it's me, and waved me to go.
He knew me now, so I had to up my game. Wigs, scarfs, hats, hoodies, even a fake moustache, all went into play. He stops me, flashlights the masked me, walks up, hears "Good evening, officer "Mike" with the 20 in hand, and waves. One of those times he actually asked me "What are you doing?! Don't you have something better to do?" and I said, "No, officer "Mike", we got aaaaaall weekend free".
Eleven times we did that, in the span of like 3 hours. On the 12th run he wasn't there anymore, and I never saw him again.
I wish we had camera phones, dashcams and Go-Pros back then, it would be so much easier to load my car with cameras and annihilate his ass in court, but I don't regret it much.
It definitely wouldn't be so much fun.

I took my first official GMAT last Wednesday (so no score improvement) and managed to get a perfect score. Also, I've been studying for the GMAT since July of last year, and it's taken up a lot of my free time and energy, which I suddenly have available again, so I might as well lay out my experience in case it's helpful for anyone else.
I pretty exclusively used Target Test Prep, aside from the question review mentioned above. I started mid-July. I didn't really know how long I would need to prepare, as I work a lot and I have limited free time. As any good citizen of the internet does when searching for product reviews, I went to Reddit to find what programs people recommended, and TTP came up a lot. Positive (and less positive) reviews mostly talked about how thorough TTP's program is. I'm anxious and I like to overprepare for things, so that sounded great to me. I had a vague notion of preparing for a couple of months left over from my erstwhile undergrad days. That's clearly not what happened. I ended up spending about 9 months prepping, and I logged about 500 official prep hours.
Here's what I liked about TTP: 1. It is crazy thorough - Every chapter has review tests in three difficulty levels, and many have multiple review tests in each level. 2. Difficulty - There were lots of very challenging questions. I often felt I understood concepts well, but when asked to apply them to harder questions, it was a whole other deal. This was one of the most helpful things for my prep. A lot of the concepts that I was tested over aren't necessarily difficult, but seeing how to get from the question to the answer (in the allotted time) will absolutely make or break the experience. 3. The lesson structure- This turned out to be a much bigger plus than I expected. If I had a minute while waiting at the doctor's office, or in between customers, or before my partner got home, I could tackle a lesson or two. They're broken down, bite-sized concepts, followed by specific questions to apply the concepts. Being able to make a little progress when I had time, instead of having to carve out whole blocks of time every day, fit into the life I live a lot better. 4. I liked their vibe- This will be personal preference to a degree, but I liked the TTP team's overall vibe. They give off the impression that they know what they're doing and they want to be doing it. I just wanted a slightly dry, no nonsense, coven of math wizards to run me back through a review course of most of high school, and these people answered the call. Even when I had questions that weren't about the course exactly (applying for accommodation), it was TTP's Scott (on Reddit) that answered those questions as well. I appreciate dealing with people who are dedicated to their craft. A note on my accommodation, and a quick note about the TTP study plan layout (which I recommend following): TTP recommends not stressing early on about the time that you take to answer questions, but instead focusing on building a strong foundation of the knowledge and knowing that you'll get faster with practice. That was true. At the end of the study plan, they have you take the 6 official GMAT tests that are available to purchase on MBA.com, and I took one per weekend for 6 weeks. TTP's website is nice, well laid out, decent on mobile, overall pretty user friendly. The GMAT Focus is very Windows 95. It's not nearly as user-friendly. It also does this fun thing where, after every question, it pops up a box that makes you confirm that you are ready to submit your answer and move to the next question. The TTP tests aren't clunky in that way, and the first time I took a practice test, it threw me all the way off. I wasn't doing super bad on my time up until that point, but the extra seconds dealing with that popup every time takes, and the way it felt generally disruptive to me added a lot of stress. I ended up applying for an accommodation for time and a half pretty quickly after my first practice test, because it's recommended that you give the GMAC 30ish days to get a decision back to you, and you can't schedule your test until you're approved for the accommodation or it doesn't count. I got my decision back in like 5 days, so I was lucky. I pushed my time and a half to the limit on quant in every. single. practice exam. In the actual exam, I ended up having about 2 minutes left on DI, 5 minutes left on Verbal, and like 15+ minutes left on Quant. My actual test score was higher than any practice test and less stressful than any practice test (even though the kid in the testing cubical next to mine sounded like they were coming down with consumption, and I would recommend earplugs).
TTP does mention to take care of yourself while you're studying, get enough sleep, get enough exercise, anything that makes you feel your best. They especially recommend to take it easy the last week before the test, eat a good breakfast the morning of, get there early. I made myself do 10 minute meditations before bed every night for the last two weeks before my exam, because even though they can be frustrating in the moment, they do force me to calm down. The day of, I woke up 15 minutes earlier than I usually do so I would have time to do a bit of yoga and a quick meditation before I went to the test center, and I do think that helped. Also, some of it was luck, because there were almost zero questions that covered the topics I have the most trouble with, and even with infinity preparation, the topics covered are still incredibly broad and some will be easier for you than others. Good luck!

A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

Hi all,
28 yrs old and I was stupid and racked up 16k in CC debt with 4 cards over ~9 yrs. I learned my lesson (believe me). I paid off all but 2 cards: Chase with a balance of 7.3k and discover with 500 bucks. I plan on paying off the discover within the next 3-5 months. But it's the Chase card I'm struggling with. Here are my details:
Take home pay monthly is 2.3k
Chase balance is 7.3k at 24.5%
Discover balance is 500 at 28.24%
Car payment of 570 a month
Car Insurance of 212 a month
NO Rent or Mortage
FICO of 760
Do you guys recommend a balance transfer card? I have already took this subs advise and paused all automatic saving transfers ( Savings, IRA etc..) Also i have stopped using all my CC for the past 7 months.
Thanks all just trying to tackle this chase card.

A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

Watching LK (KR's sister's stories) and seeing she's doing the same weird unschooling activities KR did with the stickers and stuff, it got me thinking....
LK seems to be a bit more put together than KR and I can't imagine she believes the same (no reading, math, etc instruction) as KR. They both posted about moving or the potential of moving.
What if they just took their kids out for the rest of the year, not sure what their school calendar is like but my daughter only has 10 days left, since they would potentially be going to a new school next year anyway if they move?
It can look like they unschool right now and after they move, I could see them saying that they "found an incredible school in their new area" and plan to try it out since it's all different staff or some other BS excuse.
I just don't see them putting any emphasis on learning at all and although it is close to summer and that may be why, I just feel like this was a way to try to boost business a bit right now and they will give up on this in the fall. She hasn't posted any more "lessons" and it makes me think that grift didn't pan out so she will just ignore it until next school year and share some BS about how she's going to try something new.
Just wanted it documented in case it happens lol.

[Part 1]
Day 3
I woke the next morning from the sunshine in my eyes. My head was resting ever so slightly on Eli's arm as we had both fallen asleep on my bed after I begged him to stay. I blanched in horror at the drool stain I had left on the arm of his white t-shirt.
I began to slowly move myself and retreat downstairs as the memories of the night before came flooding back. How I had broken, screaming in terror, and how Eli had saved me, not knowing the true reason he found me curled up on the floor crying.
As I stepped off the bed, my leg got snagged in the frilly bed cover, and I went crashing to the ground, making quite the noise as I landed. With a yawn, Eli's eyes opened, and I felt myself blushing as he turned to look at me.
We both kind of stared at each other for a moment, not speaking. Eli opened his mouth, then closed it again as if unsure of what to say.
"Coffee?" I asked quickly, filling the awkwardness of our situation.
"Please," Eli said, smiling.
In minutes, I had a pot brewing as I leaned against the kitchen counter. Eli was picking up the scattered photographs from the floor and looking at them quizzically.
"Why do you have pictures of the Harmons?" Eli asked, showing me the photos of the yellow-haired man and his family.
"Is that their names? I found them out in the barn under a blanket," I answered as I rooted around the cupboards for two mugs.
"In the barn? I cleaned it out just last week. No way I would have missed this trunk," Eli said while examining the wooden trunk with its simple rustic hinges. It was plain and unadorned with any embellishments. Basic as basic could be.
"Well, you must have missed it because it was there," I said, putting emphasis on the "was" in a way that reminded me of my mother chastising my father.
"That's so weird," he said, shifting through the photos while sitting at the table. I brought him a cup of coffee and sugar, and he began absentmindedly adding a lot of sugar to his coffee. About six scoops later, he began stirring and sipping it.
"Well, anyways, thanks for coming last night. I wasn't myself, I hope you know that I'm not some damsel in distress," I said quickly, like word vomit, and I even chuckled at the end, feeling like a total weirdo.
"What happened anyway? You didn't say last night," he said, putting the photos down in a jumble on the table.
I paused for a moment, considering how to answer. As I sipped my coffee, I stared out into the yard beside the barn where the scarecrow stood, glancing around the edge of the barn, hanging limply in his hole. His appearance once again sad and dejected instead of murderous and terrifying.
"I was just scared, I had a nightmare, and it just scared me," I said dumbly, trying not to turn crimson again under his intense gaze.
His eyes seemed to cut right through my lie, as if he were staring directly into my being before he simply glanced away out the window. We fell silent again, and I filled some moments by sipping my drink. It seemed to revitalize me; the sun and the company made me feel secure.
"Why were you here anyways?" I asked after a moment.
"I heard screaming, so I came running. I live just on the other side of the grass there, behind the barn," Eli said, pointing to the barn out the window.
"Must be really close, I didn't see any houses on the way in," I said, prying deeper into the situation.
"It's actually a trailer, maybe like two hundred yards from here. I was outside getting some air when I heard you scream. So, I came running," Eli said, finishing his cup of coffee and placing it in between us like a barrier, as if he was hiding something.
"Could you, uh, not do that?" Eli asked, with an uncertain grin on his face.
"What am I doing exactly?" I asked, startled for a moment, my stomach doing a sort of flip.
"It's just that you like stare at people. You've been staring at me for like my whole cup of coffee, I don't think you blinked the whole time," Eli said, averting his eyes shyly.
"No, I don't," I said until I realized he was right. I never noticed that about myself.
"Right, well, I've got to go. I am probably going to start painting today, so you might see me in a bit," Eli said, rising and heading to the door.
"Wait," I said, grabbing his arm for only a moment before releasing it like it was scalding hot.
Eli glanced at my hand for a moment, then at his arm, before he, too, blushed crimson.
"I just wanted to say thank you again. For last night, I mean. Well, what I mean is I appreciate it," I said, my eyes downcast in, for some reason, shame. Like he had seen me at my weakest and it weighed on my gaze appropriately.
"It was nothing, besides I didn't get much sleep with your constant snoring," Eli said, laughing at me.
"I so don't snore," I said, swatting at him but unable to control a smile creeping up onto my face.
After Eli left, I felt instantly colder, my eyes kept returning to the scarecrow. I grabbed my camera from upstairs and went out to the yard. I scanned the dirt for anything out of the ordinary. There was no blood, or anything on the dirt where the scarecrow stood just last night. I slowly made my way to the scarecrow, but nothing happened. I snapped a photo of the inanimate object, and it didn't even flinch. I poked it, but all I felt was straw underneath its clothes. I removed its mask, expecting a severed head, but it was just straw. Nothing was here but straw. I dropped the mask on the ground and took another photo proving it was just straw and nothing else.
An idea struck me as I regarded the source of my torment. If I planned to stay even one more night here, I needed to do something about this scarecrow. I rooted around in the barn, a series of tools hung from nails in the wall. On one hung what I was searching for. An old rusted shovel with a dirty wooden handle that was worn smooth from use.
I returned to the side of the barn beside the scarecrow, knowing for whatever reason this thing only came when night fell and didn't react at all when I moved or touched it during the day.
Before my morning coffee had even settled, I began to dig at the dusty earth, loose and easy to dig, it came away in shovelfuls. Within an hour, I had a fair-sized hole in front of me. Sweat dripped from my brow, and when I wiped under my eyes, they came away black from last night's makeup. Glancing at the field of grass and knowing Eli could appear at any time, I decided to head inside and shower. The hot water was a godsend, and I lingered for longer, letting the water drain down my head and back, my eyes closed, trying to forget the images from the last two nights. I should just pack up my car and leave right this minute. But how could I explain this to my family? I decided to go through with my plan and bury the scarecrow. I could last one more night if I prepared for it.
I left the shower and dressed modestly, in another one of my old rock t-shirts and a pair of shorts. I returned to the yard and with a satisfying push, I dropped the scarecrow into the pit. It fell with a nice thud, and I smiled at my power over it in the day; it's just at night when I should fear it.
As I threw the first shovel of dirt back on top, I heard a noise in the grass, and it parted, revealing Eli wearing the same pair of jeans and work boots, but he had changed his shirt to a plain black one. In each hand, he held cans of paint and a brush.
"Should I even ask why you are burying that old scarecrow?" He asked as he came to stand beside me.
"Probably best if you didn't," I admitted, leaning on the shovel.
"Well, I'm going to anyway. Polly, why are you burying that old scarecrow?" He asked, a rare smile coming to his face.
"Because it's been haunting me at night," I said bluntly.
"Mhm, yeah, okay. Fine, don't tell me. I've been meaning to get rid of it anyway, but normal people take things to the landfill," Eli said with a smirk as he turned to the house and began setting up for his painting.
I finished burying the scarecrow and stomped the dirt down flat. I finished my job by moving my car and parking it directly over top of the spot where I buried it.
Eli watched me curiously but didn't remark. I returned the shovel to the barn and went out into the yard. I decided to go for a hike around the property. I needed some time alone to think and unwind.
As I made my way through the grass, it began to confuse me. This had obviously been a large farmland, but how had the wild plants grown in such a thick, endless maze of greenery?
It gave me an eerie feeling, like I was being watched as the grass covered three-quarters of my body, like there would be something lurking out in the grass, crouched low, waiting for me.
After a half-hour or so, I came upon a clear lake, only big enough to be considered an old swimming hole, I thought as I dipped my hand into the cool water.
I took off my outer clothes and decided to go for a swim. I lowered myself in slowly and reveled at the cool water. The pond wasn't deep, but the water was clean. A small rope swing had been hung from a large oak tree that bordered the pond. It also provided a nice layer of shade that made it the ideal spot to spend the day. I floated on my back in the water for what seemed like hours. The day seemed to slip away from me. A small beach of sand sat at one side of the pond, so I lay out in the sun and closed my eyes. The warm day warmed my soul, and soon I felt myself drifting off into sleep.
I awoke to the sound of crickets and darkness. I couldn't believe it. I had slept through the day; the long nights had finally caught up to me, and now I was stuck far away from the farmhouse. I didn't know if my plan with the scarecrow had worked, and this wasn't the place to test my theory.
A full moon lay overhead, casting a silvery glow on the world before me. A sea of grass swayed gently in the wind, sending shivers down it in shuddering waves. I looked around, but I was thankfully alone, just the crickets chirping along melodically as my only companions.
I had to make it back to the house, so I started on my way, my hands trailing along the tall grass. The pale light played easily on the deep green grass. Step by step, I made my way back towards the farmhouse and the barn, throwing caution to the wind, and I started to jog along, anything to get back faster. I would have to find Eli; maybe if we were together, he could stop it like before.
If I thought the field was creepy during the day, by night, it was a whole new world. Every sound made my heart stop for a beat before restarting in protest. When all of a sudden, the crickets stopped chirping. I dropped to my knees, letting the long grass cover me from sight. Through the strands, I could make out a shape moving slowly through the tall grass, the swish of the plants as it made its passage through them. My heart dropped. Was this Eli looking for me, or was it the scarecrow come for me?
That's when I heard a voice, a voice cutting through the silence. It started off quiet and raspy as it sang an eerie children's song.
"Did you, did you, did you come for me?
Run and hide, don't you know that I seek
The world it claims that I be not clean
When I come, you'll see how filthy I can be.
Tonight, it is happening, tonight you'll see
Beneath the moon, my shadows they do creep.
In this world, at night I shall be free.
Tonight it's happening, tonight you'll see.
When I come, you had better flee, or else I'll come and give my filth to thee."
I was frozen to the spot. It hadn't found me, but it knew I was in the grass somewhere. Now, with each word, chewed up and spat out like it was unhappy with it, now it was accompanied by the whistle of something in the air and a slicing sound as it cut through the grass around me.
It finished another round of its song, but now it stood within feet of me, its blade whistling as it cut. I took a moment to ready myself, and as it raised its blade to cut through the grass I hid in, I dashed out of my hiding spot and slammed into it. But nothing resisted me; I fell through it like it was a ghost.
In a tangle of limbs, I landed hard on the ground and tried quickly rolling to my feet. The blade of its weapon pierced the earth beside me. Now I could see it was a two-handed scythe the scarecrow carried, but something was off, its hands were human. Pale milky skin like a newborn baby. I had little time to examine the creature except for the canvas bag over its head. Two large black eyes came out of the slits that leaked a dark red blood like tears.
It screeched loudly and swung its scythe, but it was slow, and I took off through the grass in the direction of what I hoped was the farmhouse.
I completely gave up all pretense of hiding and sprinted as fast as I could without looking back. The grass seemed to part for me as I ran in terror. I was just glad that in high school, I had taken track as it was paying off now.
I could hear the noise of footsteps behind me, but I never turned. I ran and ran until my lungs felt like they were going to burst Something silver flashed to my left, and I tripped over something hard and unexpected. The wind was driven from my lungs as my chin slammed hard into the earth. I scrambled back, trying to escape, but the scarecrow was on me, its blade flashing angrily in the pale moonlight.
I wanted to move, I wanted to fight, but my body was weak and unable to catch its breath, and I lay there helpless as it swung its scythe towards me. I closed my eyes in fear, but I only heard the thud of dirt before I opened my eyes. The scythe was discarded, and the scarecrow stood staring at me.
It seemed to be struggling with something, one hand reached out towards me only to be snapped back to its side. A roar of rage pierced the canvas sack over its head as it struggled against its invisible bonds. For a moment, I thought I saw something behind it, three sets of hands holding it back. One feminine in nature, and the other two must have belonged to children. In a flash, I saw a beautiful woman who looked vaguely familiar with her long brown hair and plain dress.
"Run," she moaned as the scarecrow swung around wildly.
I didn't hesitate and fled, my breath had returned, and while my body still ached from my fall, I powered on, knowing this was the only respite I would receive tonight.
In the distance, I could see a small sheet metal shape; Eli's trailer was slowly coming closer as I ran, and I beelined it for the trailer. I could hear the footsteps behind me again as the scarecrow resumed its chase after me.
I reached the old trailer and banged on the door as loud as I could; I rattled the handle, but it was locked.
"Eli, it's me. It's Polly, please let me in. Please," I begged as I banged over and over again on the door of his trailer.
Nothing responded to me, and the trailer was dark. The single window in the back held no life inside the trailer. From the trailer, I couldn't tell which direction the farmhouse was in the dark, so I fled into the tall grass and crouched low, watching the clearing around the trailer.
While I caught my breath, I watched the scarecrow enter the clearing, its scythe back in its hand as it circled the trailer. When its raspy voice began singing again low and quiet, only loud enough for me to hear.
"Did you, did you, did you come for me?
Run and hide, don't you know that I seek
The world it claims that I be not clean
When I come, you'll see how filthy I can be.
Tonight, it is happening, tonight you'll see
Beneath the moon, my shadows they do creep.
In this world, at night, I shall be free.
Tonight it's happening, tonight you'll see.
When I come, you had better flee, or else I'll come and give my filth to thee."
The song made me shiver uncontrollably at the lyrics and the voice; it sounded demented like a crazy person letting their demons out into a nursery rhyme.
I lay perfectly still; for some reason, it couldn't find me. This creature I assumed was all-knowing seemed to have some very human weaknesses. It moved and talked like a human, even had certain body parts that were from a human; it even felt human the way it chased and reacted.
The scarecrow moved on through the tall grass, and I let out a sigh of relief as it lost my trail. How terrifying that beast was. In my pocket was the keys to my car. Eli had told me that the farmhouse was fairly close to his trailer. I had to navigate to the car, then drive as fast as I can away from this place. The fact that I hadn't left already because I was worried about money was insane. Who cares, I could drive to Barb's and demand my money back. Go home and just tell my parents the truth. The whole reason for actually leaving home this summer, why I was actually here in this field shivering uncontrollably in fear. But I couldn't think about that now, not now, there will be time to deal with that later. Now I needed to focus on staying alive, getting to the car, and getting out of here.
I went in the direction the scarecrow had; he knew the land better than I did, and every noise I made in the silence of the night made my heart drop. It took all my courage there and then to take one step forward, then another. I felt like I was going to be sick; my stomach was in knots to where it felt like even if I was sick, the only thing to come out would be only bile and stomach acid.
With each careful step, I made my way closer to the farmhouse and the scarecrow. Through the darkness, I could see my goal, the farmhouse, and the barn. Within minutes, I had made it securely to the farmhouse yard.
My car still sat in the same spot overtop of the hole where I buried the scarecrow. In the moonlight, I could see that the dirt had not been disturbed.
The scarecrow was nowhere to be seen, and I cautiously made my way to my car, my keys in my hand as I approached the driver's door. I hadn't locked the car, and it opened on the first try. I turned on my car as quietly as I could, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.
Something landed heavily on top of the roof of my car, making it dent inwards slightly. With horror, I saw the scarecrow swing its scythe into the back window of my car. With a crash, the glass shattered inwards; I put my car into gear and roared away down the lane. In my rearview mirror, I couldn't see anything, so I swerved back and forth, trying to shake the creature from the roof of my car when the scythe crashed in through the front window, making a hole just large enough for it.
The glass spidered, and I couldn't see out the window very well. I swerved down the road, but the scythe remained in the car, allowing the creature purchase. In a panic, I spun my wheel wildly, trying to dislodge it, but I lost control, and soon felt something crash into the front of my car. The airbag went off in my face, and I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt. I slammed hard into something else, and my vision went dark. I was in a daze; I must have passed out because I don't remember a lot of what happened next. I felt the car door open with a crunching tear, and it landed loudly as it was torn off. My body being grabbed and tossed on the ground. I felt no pain, just a gentle numbness. I felt blood on my head as I raised my arm to touch my face.
Then just blackness, complete, and empty just feelings, fear, unease, sadness. My eyes opened, and the scarecrow was overtop of me. Pain on my chest and my vision went dark again. Coughing as something poured down my throat. I couldn't breathe, why couldn't I breathe?
My eyes opened one last time, and I saw the scarecrow pouring a dark liquid from its mouth directly into my mouth and eyes. My vision was red and bloody before I closed them one last time.
The words of its song echoed into the emptiness of my thoughts.
"Did you, did you, did you come for me?
Run and hide, don't you know that I seek?
The world it claims that I be not clean.
When I come, you'll see how filthy I can be.
Tonight, it is happening, tonight you'll see,
Beneath the moon, my shadows they do creep.
In this world, at night, I shall be free.
Tonight it's happening, tonight you'll see.
When I come, you had better flee, or else I'll come and give my filth to thee."
The darkness enveloped me, and I felt myself slipping away, the sounds of the night fading into oblivion.
Day 4
When I awoke, it was morning, and I found myself lying in a hospital bed. My head throbbed with pain, and my body ached all over. The memories of the terrifying night flooded back to me, and I shuddered involuntarily.
A nurse entered the room, her kind eyes filled with concern. "You're awake," she said softly, her voice gentle like a soothing balm. "You're lucky to be alive. You were found unconscious by the side of the road next to your car. Do you remember what happened?"
I tried to speak, but my throat felt raw and dry. I croaked out a few words, barely audible. "The scarecrow... it attacked me..."
The nurse frowned, her brows furrowing in confusion. "Scarecrow? What scarecrow?"
My heart raced with panic as I realized the truth. Had it all been a nightmare? But the pain in my body felt too real, the memories too vivid to be mere hallucinations.
I tried to explain, to tell her about the terrifying creature that had pursued me through the night, but she only looked at me with concern, as if I were delusional.
"I'll get the doctor, and there is a young man who brought you in. He has been here all morning," the nurse said with a sly wink.
After a few minutes, she came back with Eli and a doctor, both of whom smiled gently at me through the window. The doctor came in first and went over my health with me. I had a concussion and bruises all over my body. A generous-sized cut from some glass on my scalp had been stitched and bandaged. My mind flashed back to the night before. How the scarecrow had filled me with its gooey red blood.
"Did you find anything else?" I asked cautiously, trying to avoid another scandal like with the nurse.
"No, as long as you have someone to pick you up and take you home, you are free to go. That nice young man out there said he would take you back home," the doctor said, pointing to Eli as he rose with a slight grunt.
I glanced at Eli, and he waved uncertainly at me. The doctor went out and began talking to Eli for a few minutes.
While I waited, my mind began to have strange thoughts. Something was wrong; I felt weird. My vision turned red, and I began to see images before my eyes.
The Harmons. They flashed before my eyes in real-time—the husband hugging his wife, then swinging his kids around, chopping wood outback next to the barn while his wife cooked in the kitchen.
As Eli entered the room, the visions stopped suddenly. Like my saving angel for the third time now, I was extremely grateful to Eli.
"Heyyyyy," Eli said, elongating the word in a sort of familiar yet awkward way.
"Hi," I said, closing my eyes and letting my embarrassment pass in only a few seconds.
"Why is it that fifty percent of the times we meet, you're in serious trouble?" Eli asked, coming to sit on the edge of my bed.
"Oh, you know me, bad luck, I guess," I said simply, becoming aware that under my blankets, I was in a backless hospital gown, and he was inches away from me.
I pulled the blanket up to my chin as a sort of cover for my appearance, but Eli didn't seem to notice. He continued talking to me. It was actually really sweet the way he seemed to care for me.
"Anyways, the doctor said I could take you back to the farmhouse to rest," Eli said.
"No," I said suddenly, becoming serious.
"What? Why not?" Eli asked.
"I just, I just can't right now. I'll tell you later. Just, we can't spend the night anywhere near the farm," I said, grabbing him by the arm, hoping to sway him.
"Well, I mean, if you want, we can grab your stuff, and my house can literally go anywhere," Eli said in an offhand manner, as if he had expected this.
"Promise?" I asked, trying not to seem too afraid.
Within the hour, we had returned to the farmhouse. The hole I dug was still covered over, and I stared at it as we parked in Eli's black pickup truck.
I ran inside and quickly got changed into my only clean clothes, grabbing everything I had from the farmhouse. I paused at the dinner table, looking down at the photographs of the Harmons and thinking back to that weird moment in the hospital with that odd vision.
The day was getting longer, and I hurried back to Eli, waiting in the pickup truck. I threw my bag in the back and climbed in beside him. He smiled and backtracked down the lane. We turned to the left and went down a side road where we came upon my poor old car. It had crashed directly into a tree, and the whole front part of the car had been destroyed. Fluid leaked all over the road, and I almost shed a tear for my departed friend. We had traveled far together. I grabbed a few things from the car, but something was off about the car. The front door had been knocked off and was discarded on the far side of the road. It looked impossible; the door hadn't even hit the tree.
Eli hooked his truck up to his trailer, and we sped off, leaving the property behind us. We headed into town and found a pullout on the side of the road with a set of bathrooms to camp at for the night. Eli's trailer was messy but cozy. He had laundry strewn over most surfaces, but it didn't smell bad.
The room consisted of a small kitchen with a bed in one corner. There were also a lot of posters and artwork on the walls. I examined one of a pretty girl with long raven-black hair. It was a realist painting, obviously taken from real life.
"Who is this?" I asked as Eli made us some food.
"That is just a friend," Eli said, glancing at the painting he had done.
"Well, she is a pretty friend," I said, enjoying watching the back of his ears turn bright red.
"Dinner's ready," he said, pouring the mixture of food he had made onto a pair of plates.
Eli served me and handed me a can of Coke to drink. I thanked him and sat on his bed. It was the only serviceable piece of furniture in the whole trailer. We both sat in silence for a moment while we ate. I could tell something was bothering Eli as he kept making glances toward me.
"What? What is it, Eli? Just say it," I said between bites.
"Tell me what happened, Polly. Tell me why you were burying the scarecrow, why you were passed out in the road with straw in your hair. Tell me why you were muttering about the Harmons and a scarecrow when I found you," Eli said suddenly, as if he were unloading a machine gun.
I looked Eli square in the face and relented. I told him about the last couple of nights at the farmhouse, about how the scarecrow had been tormenting me every night. About how he had saved me and how last night I had fled through the fields to his trailer and then to my car. I told him about the vision I had about the Harmons in the hospital. By the end of it, I was in tears. I felt so foolish and childish.
Eli took it in stride. He asked a few questions during my retelling, but by the end of it, he was silent. Tears fell down my face and landed in my lap. We had both put our plates on the counter, and Eli hugged me. He put his arms around me, and I nuzzled into his shoulder, feeling comforted again in him at the lowest points of my life.
With a gentle hand, he wiped away my tears, and I smiled, letting a nervous laugh escape my lips. I looked up into his face and felt his stare before I saw it. His pale blue eyes shone with comfort, and then his lips were on mine as he kissed me quickly before pulling away slightly.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That was insensitive of me. You're sad, and I took advantage of that," Eli said, moving back slightly.
"Shut up," I said, and grabbed his shirt, bringing him back in.

I'm struggling in my marriage lately and could use some advice.
TLDR: What can you do when your partner isn't being attentive to your relationship needs or what you ask for, won't put in the effort, and always makes excuses that they're too busy or don't have energy and that they'll do better later?
In summary: My wife and I are in our late 30s and have been together for nearly 20 years since we were 18. We have two wonderful children (a baby and a preschooler). We've been best friends, overall have had a happy, loving, mostly drama free life together. Our biggest issue over the years has been that I'm high libido, my wife has low libido, and I've often felt my wife can be a bit self absorbed and not really put in much effort to meet me in the middle when it comes to our love languages, putting in effort for each other, etc. I've always felt like the partner who cared more about quality time and emotional intimacy as well.
In the past year or so, we had the most drama we've ever had in 20 years when my wife admitted to me that she had always been lying to me about our first months dating - she had always said she was never with anyone else since our first date (our relationship anniversary we had always celebrated as a sweet holiday) and she actually was secretly still going to see her high school ex boyfriend during that time (who had cheated on her) and apparently had sex with him just once during that time. She also admitted that she had cheated on me (just kissing) with another person during that time. She only admitted this to me because I had suspected her of lying and did something wrong myself by reading parts of her personal journal (in which I read that she had recently been "infatuated" with a work colleague and had also been dreaming about, sexually fantasizing about, and occasionally dwelling on her high school ex over the years (who she had cut off contact with nearly 20 years ago), even looking him up recently and crying while seeing his current life, but saying that she was mad about how he treated her and that me and our kids deserve her more than he does). I also had read that she wasn't attracted to me at times and had issues with my weight gain over the years. We both apologized for the things we had done wrong and wanted to work to be better.
This all led to us having many emotional discussions and working to improve our relationship and be closer, and I basically went into a depression for many months after learning about her cheating and thoughts about other men. I lost a lot of weight and got in the best shape I've been in for many years. My wife was trying to put in some effort to talk with me and be closer, but I was often frustrated because even after learning about the cheating and everything, it still felt like I was responsible for initiating discussions and leading our work together: I downloaded relationship apps for us to do together and have intimate conversations about, etc.
During this time I asked my wife what things would make her feel closer with me, and she said she "needs emotional intimacy to want physical intimacy" and that she'd like to do regular date nights where we take turns planning them for each other. I wanted to do that for her so we started them. The first date nights I led, I put a lot of thought into and wrote her a love letter, planned romantic activities. Then when it was her turn to lead date night, it was clear she hadn't planned anything. Didn't prepare anything. She wanted to reschedule hers at the last minute sometimes because she was tired from work or something. This continued for a while until finally we both just stopped the date nights because it felt more like a chore.
I was still processing the cheating and my own insecurities for a while, and I started therapy for the first time ever, read books, listened to podcasts, learned about attachment theory and felt insights that my wife might have avoidant attachment and be averse to intimacy, while I think I've generally been secure, but I lean toward anxious when I feel threatened. But I was sad because while I was doing all this learning, my wife seemed to be doing nothing to try and learn and discuss with me and work on things.
I tried a few times over the months to gently mention that to her and ask her about if she was doing anything like this in her own therapy, but she would get defensive and say it "feels like she can never do enough" and basically to get off her back about it (even though I would ask rarely and try to be very kind and understanding about it). Basically I was just feeling sad that she didn't seem to care or want to put in the effort like I was (and I told her this, but again, same responses).
My wife has been kind of obsessed with work and busy, but it's felt like when she does have time she hasn't been prioritizing me or our marriage, while I have been. I've tried to give her hugs or be closer to her and she often bristles and doesn't seem interested. She hasn't been putting any effort into her appearance, especially not for me (she seems to care more about looking good at work than looking good for me) while I feel like I'm always wanting to look good for her. She's turned me down for physical intimacy quite a bit recently and basically if I don't initiate, we can go for a month without any sex easily. She just doesn't seem to have any libido at all. She's messy and makes messes constantly in our house that I feel like I'm always cleaning up after her and our kids, and I've asked her to not do certain things to make messes but she continues to do it.
Learning about her cheating and thoughts of other people made me feel really insecure about how she thinks of me and if she's really attracted to me. Since I'm finally in better shape, I've felt more confident but she hasn't been making me feel desired by her. I've never been with anyone other than her in my life, and I've been feeling less attracted to her since it feels like she isn't that interested in me romantically, and I've been thinking more about wanting to feel desired and loved, and kind of wanting to have a woman flirt with me or hit on me or something just to feel validated.
Recently I tried sharing with her how I'm feeling sad and a bit unwanted by her, wondering if she's attracted to me or if it's really low libido on her part, feeling like I'm old and not having the love and intimacy I want in a marriage. She seemed so thrown off by that, said she does just have very low libido and doesn't really think about sex, and she is attracted to me. I tried to let her know that regardless of that, I feel like she hasn't been prioritizing or putting effort into being close with me, and when I've tried to do those things she seems uninterested.
Her response is that she's just so busy with work, and we have two young kids and it's difficult, and she just has no energy for any of that. We split our parenting duties equally, I do most of the cleaning in our household, we both work full time, but I feel like I still want to put in effort for our marriage and closeness but she doesn't. Her view seems to be that she just can't, doesn't have the ability, whereas I feel like she finds the energy to do lots of other things she wants to do - she's just not prioritizing me and us. Again, it feels like I have to push her repeatedly to ever have intimacy with her of any type. She acknowledges that she has intimacy issues as well and is avoidant, but then will still insist that she just doesn't have energy for what I want.
It feels like there's always an excuse, and while I want to be understanding and gentle with her about it, I'm just feeling lonely in my marriage. Even when I try to reach out to her and emotionally explain this, it's like she brushes it off and doesn't seem too worried about me. Or if I say I want more intimacy, physically and emotionally, she tends to hone in on just the sexual part like that's all I want, but I want to feel close, in love. I want her to love me and desire me. But the less I feel that from her, the less I feel it towards her, and that worries me.
What can I do in this situation? Is there any way to get through to her? I can't imagine ever leaving her, we love our family and our children, but I feel kind of like I'm stuck in a situation where I'm not feeling fulfilled... I was content with that before I learned about the cheating and her lying to me, but ever since that it's harder for me to accept her not putting in effort or prioritizing our marriage and responding to all of my efforts.

Hey there,
I have an adult student (F, 30)who has written 6 original songs ranging from folk to hard rock, and she is going to hire myself, 2 other session musicians - a bass player and guitar player I work with frequently- and an actual sound engineer who I also work with a lot.
I'm a professional drummer and I teach drums/guitabass/music theory/songwriting. I am not a recording engineer, but I've tracked drums in a lot of studios and get how sessions should run.
I will be acting as ad hoc producer for the sessions and I have a pretty good idea of how I think things should go since I helped a lot with writing and arranging the songs, but the singer is struggling to find the key for some of the songs when we go over them in lessons. I can tell they have a clear idea of the melody, and sometimes it's great, but I'm just wondering what I can do to help her hit her notes/find the key in the studio on the day of the session? We continue to work on ear training, intervals, and all of that but I'm no vocal coach.
I was thinking about recording a scratch track on guitar that just doubles the vocal melody all the way through the song... I feel like that will just eat up time on our session so would it be worth it to record all of those melodies to a click on my loop pedal so my engineer can just import those at the start of the session? I'm sure autotune will be used to clean up some spots but I still want to give her the best chance at a decent performance. Any other tips?
I'd also love your advice/perspective on what makes a good producer vs what makes a really annoying/counter-productive producer.
I'm really not a producer but I am excited to take on the role for this fun low stakes project. I am open to any and all advice when it comes to tracking an amateur vocalist or producing an EP. My plan was to take a fairly hands off approach whenever possible - just let the session musicians do their thing and just kind of act as the tie-breaker when decisions need to be made. I'm not sure if my student will even release the EP it may just be more of a keepsake, but either way I'd like to make the most of it and think of it as a unique learning experience for my student to see how much thought and work goes into recording a few songs.
Thanks again

I always wanted to see Hanako as the 10th rival rather than Megami because, well, Hanako is Taro's sister. A family member would be the hardest individual to get rid of and a huge pain for someone to lose.
So, I've decided to rewrite Hanako and make her the 10th rival instead of Mary Sue (she needs to go straight to the trash, smh).
⚠️ Some things will be changed in future, so beware! 😀
Instead of Hanako being the childish, incest, and clingy sister that Pedodev made her to be, I decided to make her act more like Nemesis minus the whole revenge plan she has and she does have her hair loose instead of pigtails . So, let me go into more detail →

Why is Hanako the 10th rival? What makes her so different from Mary Sue?

Hanako is Taro's sister. That's a huge difference between Megami and her. Taro does love his family, especially his sister he grew close to and helped raise. Megami is nothing to Taro. Taro would choose Hanako over Megami any day. No one can replace his own sibling.
Hanako isn't a Mary Sue. She does have flaws. Hanako can be killed, framed, matchmade, and any other elimination that the game has. Sure, it will be harder to actually kill her, but she can be killed.
Hanako does know how to protect herself in this rewrite. There's a reason why she does something traumatic that happened to her. It does involve the gloves she's wearing.

What happened that made her this way?

Hanako used to be a very cheerful young little girl. She used to be very outgoing, having no worries in her life, and seeing no danger in the world as many children do.
Until an event took place that changed her perspective on the world. Considering that Hanako was an outgoing little girl who didn't see the dangers the same way her own parents did, Hanako was almost kidnapped by two men (who were part of a human trafficking business). They needed a new and fresh victim to get money, and seeing Hanako and her innocent little self was the perfect opportunity to kidnap her and get money quickly. Hanako tried fighting back against them. Even if they were armed with a knife, it didn't stop her. As a result of this, the knife slashed her palm, causing her to let out a bloody scream.
Hanako needed stitches for the wound on her palm. It left a scar. She uses gloves to cover it and not remember that traumatizing memory.
Fortunately, her parents and Taro heard and were able to stop it, but her father and mother were injured in the process of saving her, mostly her father, who almost cost his life to save her. Taro couldn't do much since he was still a kid when this happened. His mother made sure he was away and safe from those two men.
Hanako's perspective of the world around her changed completely after that event. Seeing her parents' injuries, and if it wasn't for their mother, Taro would have been injured or killed or even taken. Something snapped in her.
Ever since that event, Hanako became very clingy to her parents and Taro, not leaving their side, especially when they were in public and around a large group of people.
As she grew older, Hanako decided to take classes of self-defense to protect herself and her family from anyone. This continued for a few more years and remained close to her family, taking care of them and making sure they were safe from harm or danger.
⚠️ Her backstory might change in the future, so be beware!

Why was she absent for nine weeks? Where was she?

She was in America training in a program that chose her to continue her training of self-defense, sensing danger, etc. Her mother went with her since she was still underage during the time. Hanako has been there for a year. By the time Ayano is “active”, she will have been in America for two years.
Hanako did continue her education in America. During her time there, she would keep in touch with her brother, telling him about her training, her education, her day, how it was in America, etc. Even if the two siblings were very far away, their sibling love remained very close and strong.

What made her return to Japan and enroll in Akademi?

Hanako decided to return to Japan and enroll in Akadmi when she found out what was happening with her brother, his mental health and what would happen to other students if Ayano decided to murder her rivals or any other student. Each week, his mental health would decrease depending on how Ayano gets rid of the rival. His mental health will decrease much more if he saw the corpse of a rival or saw them be killed in front of him, especially if it's Osana.
Hanako decides to go back to Japan, not finishing her program and enrolling in Akademi as soon as possible before the week even starts, to be there for her brother, comfort, and protect him.
She's quite happy to be with her brother and father again after two years.

What are the obstacles that Ayano will face?

→ Hanako will always be next to Taro to keep him company. She will do anything in her power to comfort her brother and be by his side after being gone for two years. Even if he was the oldest, Hanako would take care of him the same way he did for her.
→ Hazu Kashibuchi. He will be Hanako's suitor. Hanako will meet Hazu on the first day of Akademi since they sit right next to each other in class. Hazu will be Hanako's first friend. So, Hanako will be close to Hazu as well during the week and be in the sewing room as well. Hazu will teach her how to sew. Taro will be there as well to learn and find a good way to release stress and focus on something positive.
→ Genka, the guidance counselor, will be an obstacle for Ayano as well. Hanako will be with Genka along with her brother. Taro will use this time with Genka to speak with her about his mental health and his thoughts while Hanako will be next to him, listening and holding his hand. There will be meetings between Genka and Hanako to speak about Taro's mental health and how he is doing and tell Hanako ideas on how to help her big bro. Those ideas are going to be the events that Ayano has to sabotage
→ Hanako can sense danger. She can immediately apprehend Ayano and break her arm. Even if she's short, she will stop Ayano from harming her or any student. If Ayano is doing anything suspicious, Hanako will keep her eyes on her until she's out of her sight. Hanako can be framed, but her gloves need to be taken from her. Ayano has to find a way to do it.
→ ⚠️ Osana and Raibaru. Hanako is very close to Osana as well, so Hanako would spend a lot of her time with Osana and Raibaru who she sees as a new friend, and someone who she can relate to and have self-defense lessons with. So, Raibaru will be a big challenge for Ayano. Osana will be a threat if she's still alive. If not, Raibaru will be the threat. Unless she's dead, too. So this obstacle is a “If” thing.
→ I would add Budo if Taro and Budo were close friends. I feel like Hanako would spend time with him since they do share a strong sense of justice and know self-defense. Budo is quite popular, so he would know how to survive Akademi lol
→ The clubs. Considering that Hanako has been in America for the past two years and training, she decided to join a club after she found out how many clubs there were. The reason why is because she wants to have a hobby and explore something new. So, Hanako, during the week, would be walking in and out of club rooms to speak with the club leaders and meeting the members as well. Considering that some of the club members do leave their club rooms or areas like the Gardening Club, Hanako will be surrounded by students, so it'll be hard to find a spot without having a student as a witness.
→ Considering that Nemesis carries around a knife during mission mode, I want to make Hanako carry a knife to protect herself with. A knife that she can hide. So technically, she can kill Ayano. I might change this.
→ Considering it's the 10th week, the student council president election will be taking place, so students will be walking around, gossiping around in the halls, some will be near the student council room to determine who deserves the spot, some students will be running around the school, or standing at certain places where Ayano can't get Hanako alone. Hanako would most likely be with her brother, walking around and having her brother explain what's going on before she goes off on her own and explores what's going on. Hanako would most likely try to speak with the student council, or at least be in the same area as them.

What's her befriending stealth mission?

It will involve either those two men (who are much older, but they will be trying to find new victims to take). Ayano will know what happened to Hanako by eavesdropping on her conversations with Taro and Genka. (They can also be used for the “Drive to Murder” elimination for Hanako)
Maybe in this mission, Hanako will be asking Ayano to get evidence against the human traffickers to put them behind bars and save the victims who couldn't be saved like she was. This would bring Ayano into great danger of either being killed or being used for human trafficking herself. Ayano is a good-looking girl, so the business would think she would bring good customers.
It will take research to know where the human traffickers are located, or at least the help of Info-chan.
There's still some things I need to think about for this stealth mission!
Or
Someone that she met during her time in America who came to Japan way before Hanako did. A rival for Hanako. They would have some history together that Taro wouldn't know about. I haven't thought much about this mission, so I'll see what I can make up :]