So I live in the Houston area that was hit hard by the storms. I was just a few miles from where the tornado hit in Cypress. That afternoon, I had called the pharmacy to get both my suboxone and my insulin filled. I was going to pick it up when I got off work. Well, the storms hit minutes after I got off work. The pharmacy lost power. So even though I had already paid for both via the app, they can’t give it to me. So of course, I called the local pharmacies. They said my Dr could send in a new rx and see if it can get filled. I was able to get in touch with my doctor, so hopefully he’s sent in a new rx. What SUCKS is that I’ve already paid $120 for rx that I couldn’t pick up….so now I have to pay it again - which I’ll gladly do if that means it gets filled! I’m just so nervous it won’t fill bc it had been filled by the other pharmacy already. Hopefully I’ll Be able to get it AND my nsulin is way more pressing, no question, but both of these are huge triggers for my severe anxiety & OCD. I’m just a walking talking mess today 😂😂😂 send up a prayer, good vibes, smoke…. Whatever you got for our power to come back!! Haven’t had any since Thursday evening around 6:30.

Here's my story. I have been training for my first bodybuilding show since October 2023. For the first time in a very long time, I have fully committed myself to doing something new and have been pouring all of my energy and being into training for this show that's coming up the first week in June.
It was in February when a guy at my gym introduced me to Kratom extract shots. I have previously taken Kratom capsules to help alleviate withdrawal symptoms coming off a 5 year suboxone habit about 4 years ago. I used it daily for about 4 weeks, then stopped completely cold turkey without any withdrawals from the Kratom.
When the guy at the gym told me what it was, I was extremely skeptical about it helping me in my workouts, as I had prior experience with it. I took him up on it though and drank an entire feel free shot right before lifting.
Holy shit. I was amazed at how good it made me feel and how much it seemingly enhanced the entire gym experience. Not only did it help me lift more weight, it also helped me socialize. I'm normally very shy and reserved, especially at the gym. When I took this drink however, I wanted to talk to everyone, including the attractive females I was too afraid to approach before. I remember thinking very clearly that first day, ugh oh, this is too good and is going to lead to bad things.
The first couple of weeks I would take one of the feel free shots as a pre-workout and not redose again until the next day, and the next workout. I then decided it was such a performance enhancer, I could double my progress if I did two workouts a day, which meant drinking 2 shots a day.
Ultimately it led to taking a third shot in between my workouts because I liked the way it made me feel so much, I didn't want the feeling to stop. One day when my local smoke shop ran out of feel free's (likely because I had bought them all) he introduced me to OPMS shots, which were even more potent.
It was about 3.5 weeks ago that I woke up one morning feeling like absolute dog shit. I instantly knew exactly what that feeling was, and what it meant. It was withdrawal, and it meant that it had finally caught up to me and now I was physically dependent on it. Of course, like that addict I am, I went to the smoke shop and waited outside their door until they opened so I could get my fix.
It wasn't very long after this, that all the joy and dopamine rushes of drinking Kratom shots and working out vanished. There are no more enhanced workouts or social lubricant. Workouts have become boring and monotonous and I literally try my best now not to talk to anyone. I am lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep a night, and most nights I'm up several times changing my clothes and pillow case from being absolutely drenched in sweat.
It has turned me into a really mean, angry, irritable, impatient, asshole. Even if I drink 3 FF's at one time, I don't enjoy the feeling anymore. Dammed if I drink one, dammed if I don't. I hate the way I am now when I'm on it around my kids and the people who love me. I find myself being incredibly short and even annoyed at my beautiful kids when they try and talk to me, their dad. Just in the very short time I've been taking it, it has really affected my closest relationships the most. My wife is so angry with me, and all the money I've spent on Kratom, she's sleeping on the couch and legitimately thinking about leaving me and taking the kids with her. Needless to say, it's time for me to quit.
I have a few questions about quitting that I hope someone can help answer for me.
(1) How does the withdrawal from Kratom compare to withdrawal from Suboxone? How about Percocets and Vicodin? I have come off of these before, so I know what to expect for those, is Kratom withdrawal as intense?
(2) I still have my bodybuilding show coming up in 3 weeks. I have trained way too hard, and already paid way too much money to skip it.
If I quit cold turkey today, am I going to be through most of the ickiness by then, and be able to actually compete at high level?
Would doing a 3 week taper be better?
I was contemplating switching to the capsules instead of the extracts and then jumping off, has anyone had success in doing this?
The night sweats are the absolute worst side effect for me, what's the best way to minimize them during a taper?
Have I completely ruined the gym and the positive benefits I was getting from it, or can you go back to doing the things you loved before feel free after quitting them. My fear is that I will now always associate the gym with the feel free high, and not the natural high I used to get from working out.
This is such a wonderful community. I've spent the last few days reading the stories here of people who are just like me. It's very comforting to know that I'm not alone. This place has really pushed me into finally trying to quit and get this fucking monkey off of my back once and for all. Thank you all.

I’ve consumed nicotine for years. First smoking, then moving to vaping. I quit vaping and moved on to non-tobacco nicotine pouches. I typically consume 2-3 6mg pouches at one time, once a day. Relatively high dose, but I have a fairly high tolerance.
Anyways; In the couple of years I’ve been using buccal nicotine products, I’ve noticed something. If I swallow any amount of the nicotine-laden saliva, I will experience symptoms of a nicotine overdose. Depending on how much I swallowed, the symptoms vary in intensity, and I can expect to feel terrible for about 24hrs, a bit better by 48hrs, and nearly 100% recovered by 72hrs. And even with more conservative estimates of nicotine’s half-life, this doesn’t make much sense…
Pharmacokinetically, I don’t understand this. Everything I’ve read says that nicotine is mostly broken down by the first-pass, and what nicotine remains is poorly absorbed.
I obviously avoid swallowing to the best of my ability, but sometimes a tiny amount accidentally gets swallowed. Especially with such small amounts, how the heck am I absorbing enough nicotine to cause acute nicotine poisoning with symptoms that extend out 2-3 days?! How can I use such large doses buccaly/sublingually with no issues, but if even a tiny amount of saliva is swallowed/slides down my throat, I’m in hell for a day or two…
Makes zero sense, right?
And yet, it is absolutely happening to me, and it’s awful. It’s so awful that I’m weaning myself off, because I just can’t stand how bad the few days after are. But… I have a pretty high tolerance, so it’ll be a long road.
The only other medication is take is 2mg daily buprenorphine (Suboxone); I’m a recovering opioid addict, been clean 10 years with the help of buprenorphine.
Ideas? I’ve considered all sorts of possibilities… hoping someone else either experiences something similar or has a good idea. It has to be something metabolism-related.
Go to NicotinePouch and search “swallow.” Folks swallow entire pouches with zero issue!
I will be forever grateful to you if you assist me in solving this barely-intriguing mystery… If someone offers-up a particularly good theory, I may even offer a reward, maybe a Steam gift card or something; Don’t want to turn this into a giveaway as I’m sure that’s against the rules.
Cheers :-)

Hi, me (28m) am looking for advice on a situation involving my sister (26f) and her boyfriend (30m) whom i will call ‘John’ for the remainder of this post (not real name). It all really started about 3 years ago, when my sister and ‘john’ met at a party I was hosting. John was a distant acquaintance that more or less was a mutual friend of one of my friends. We had met several times before, but i never really liked him because of his heavy, heavy drug history and problem with lying/stealing and general disregard for anything besides a high. I had always seen him in my group of real friends, and he was always taking/smoking something and couldnt even have a chill night without wanting some sort of high. I have seen his character defining moments (at least in the situations weve been together) and can say that he doesnt ever tell the truth if it inconveniences him or would make his life a little more difficult. He has an extensive history of drug charges and other arrests, as well as never really having any goals or aspirations in life. Go figure… Every opportunity to tell a little white lie, or stretch the truth is an opportunity he seizes to make his situation better or avoid responsibility and play victim. Couple that with an insatiable need to be high, and youve got a recipe for a person I dont see fit for my sister at all. My sister was always the straight A student, with having just gotten her BSN and RN recently. She was never the one to do drugs, and would consider a night of drinking having a few beers. Kind, thoughtful, sweet and definitely gullible, her attitude was always to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately she has been completely swept off her feet by John, and cannot see the things that I keep telling her are happening. John recently got another chance at being free when his last night of antics got hectic, after crashing his car while being on dope (smoked fent) into his neighbors cars and totaling both. He somehow managed to get lucky enough to go to AA NA while having a psychiatrist that is still giving him Suboxone and Benzo prescriptions because of ‘panic attacks’ and opiate withdrawals. He also has a prescription for gabapentin for his shingles that he had at age 24 or so (dont know if thats true). Now that I have been able to see the progression of his state over the past few years I have learned a lot more than just what i saw when we would be in a mutual setting. Im not sure what to do at all, I want to make his life hell but am afraid that if I do something rash, my sister will hate me. I have tried talking to both, separately and it has never worked out. My sister breaks down in tears whenever I show her evidence (texts, mismatched stories, pics, etc) about his lies and drug habits, and John completely plays the pitiful role of blaming every single thing or persom around him for his problems. Im not really sure what else to do because it has become an entire beast of its own, not wanting to hurt my sisters feelings but also simply wanting aomething better for her. My parents are kind of not doing anything about it and im not sure what I can say to fix the situation. If theres anyone out there that can help me find a starting point that would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance, and if there are any questions please let me know.

Hello, everyone! I just typed this all out and put quite a bit of work into it when responding to someone else asking for a short version of what Ashley has been up to since they haven't been around for a few years. I know there are often questions just like it asking for a cliff note version of who Ashley is.
So, I figured since I got carried away that I should maybe make an actual post with all of it as I know we have gained many new lovlies in here recently. Anyway, I hope this may help put some pieces together for newbies or anyone else, really. I love to help others, and I love to spread the word. Please feel free to add your own details for others to read as well. Be well and stay safe from users like Ashley! Lol.
Here is my post with a list of details about Ashley. This is not an exhaustive list.
She is a giant mess of narcissism where she uses a bunch of drugs, uses people, snaps at people, and thinks her shit doesn't stink. She is racist and albeist. There are many examples showing this. She has absolutely no self-awareness or sympathy. She is a grifter who thinks she works a full-time job. 🤣 Said job is doing simple makeup looks, tweak surface level cleaning at best, tweak tanning, shopping and bitching on lives daily for hours.
She goes on live at all hours both at home and on vacations that her followers/her mom pays for. She comes up with stories or blows situations way out of proportion in hopes she will get more gifts or people will offer to buy things for her. She thinks she is providing a service being on Tiktok, lol.
People with the number of followers she still has have tons of PR and brand deals. She doesn't even have ONE. She claims she doesn't care, but those with a brain know that no company wants anything to do with her and her level of "content." She just doesn't get that her behavior has consequences.
Speaking of vacations, she goes on SO MANY. Far more than most responsible adults. It's strange. She claims she just needs to get away from it all... but she honestly hardly does anything she doesn't want to do in her daily life. Truly. She hardly has one responsibility. Anyway, there are many examples of how she uses the people she is visiting. She begs or guilts people to pay for things because shocker... she always runs into issues that need money she claims to be low on. She stays on live for most of each trip, despite the feelings or needs of others she's with. She also tends to leave things in ruins. She has caused damage to multiple properties, and as I will mention in a minute, she got her mom fired on her last trip. She also lost her wallet on her last vacation, but that story didn't really line up. If anything on that one, it just shows her complete inability to be responsible with her things.
She airs out EVERYONE'S dirty laundry, over shares personal details including SHOWING her brother's medical records, and doxxes people as if it's her business to put out there. Case in point, her going live and doxing her mom's place of work led her mom to being fired. If she can throw someone under the bus to get attention, to prove a point, to get more money, to get more content, or to increase her relevance... she WILL. She doesn't give it a second thought, and she certainly doesn't see the error of her ways. People point shit out to her, and she always tries to prove them wrong. Lying is a constant problem. She will mold the truth to her gain.
She is cocky AF and even makes cat call noises when she shows how hot she thinks she is. She is CONSTANTLY complimenting her own self and thinks she is the shit. She's not. She thinks her skin is gorgeous or her makeup is flawless. It's not. Her followers tend to kiss her ass and say it is, but they are lost.
She still lives in Jamestown, and her husband (I use that term loosely) is still a drug dealer out of her home. They hardly spend time together as he rots in bed. He doesn't seem to do anything but tends to his customers just about. Well, actually, he does do something else. He cheats because she couldn't care less about their marriage. He's also gross and lacks ethics. He has been caught many, many times, talking to other women sexually. She seemed to care at first, but apparently, not anymore. Their marriage is a complete joke. He has pleaded that she change and act like she did in the beginning. She couldn't care less. She'd much rather stay in her makeup room and leave him hanging.
She has no friends, and so many have been chased away by how she has acted. This includes family members, Erik's kids, old mods, followers, PGH (who put her on the map on TT ), etc. She only seems to talk to her brother Max and her mother. She may talk to her brother Anthony, but it seems super rare. Her other siblings, including her stepsisters, don't want to deal with her.
She got into an abusive altercation last summer with one of her stepdaughters. She ended up flicking one of her cigarettes in her minor stepdaughter's face. This child and Ashley's stepson's fiance jumped Ashley as a result. Ashley lost and ran crying to her followers. Oh boy, can she play victim without taking ANY accountability. It's her M.O. This is a time when she claimed she was leaving Erik. Wouldn't you know it? A week or so later, she claimed they were fixing things. This is after the fact that her followers sent a ton of money in her time of "need." Once she got what she needed, she did an about face. She also basically refused to answer any further questions. She would even snap at anyone who tried to be genuinely concerned or curious, saying they should mind their own business. She does this a lot. She puts all her shit out there and thinks people are crazy for asking questions. She also clearly sees she doesn't have to answer to ANYONE. She just uses people and then throws them away.
Her health is rapidly deteriorating when it comes to her weight, hair, skin, teeth, and even the sound of her voice. Erik has said she abuses suboxone and other drugs. She denies this adamantly. She claims she's only smokes weed, but her nodding out, pupils, and a million flutters a second hummingbird behavior says otherwise. There are a ton more telling signs that she is in active addiction.
She does not use her money wisely at all. Sometimes, she spends like she is a Kartrashian, and some days, she claims she needs money. It does not appear that she has a driver's license (only a permit). She drives high a ton while being super distracted. She clearly does not drive legally, but she doesn't care. She is invincible. She almost never is out by herself. She uses all sorts of backup accounts to make sure she can stay on TT live or IG live. She can't seem to do anything on her own, and she always is asking her followers for what they think. She lacks the ability and awareness of how to be an adult. She also clearly can't handle being alone with her own thoughts. Classic narc behavior. She always needs a constant source of supply.
She gets banned a fair amount based on her behavior, what she talks about, or there are reports from people who are just sick and tired of her shit. She just pops up on one of her many other accounts.
She is an entitled little girl. It's honestly really concerning. She claims she is all about positivity, but her platform is anything but. She's constantly complaining, talking about things that show her entitlement, and boy does she constantly bring up this page. She would hardly have any other content if she didn't. Her mods fully support this idiotic way of thinking. They defend her at the loss of their good name.
Again, this is just a snippet of everything that has transpired, but you get the gist. Her follower count is dwindling while this page is growing. Welcome to the right side of the tracks on this whole saga of fuckery. ❤️ We are badasses and we see the truth! 💋

As I begin, I’m not sure how long this will be. I will try to be as unbiased as possible, and give all the info on all parties involved to give a clear understanding of the situation.
I, 33 M, started dating my 26 F, current fiancé l early January 2023.
I live in a small town. I “own” a nice single story house (with a basement, half carport, half studio apartment), along with 4 acres, on our family land of 300 acres. The house and property are already in my name, although I pay my grandfather $600 a month on a payment plan for it to be mine. I previously had a single wide trailer on our family land throughout my 20s that was large enough for me by myself. When I was ready for a house at 29, my grandfather and his wife decided to sell me their $300,000 ish dollar house for $15,000 down, and $600 a month after that, while they moved into a community next to the hospital. I had multiple gf’s from high school-current fiance (along with being engaged once when I was 21 that didn’t work out).
I have one child (M 3yr), with my last live in gf (who I am cordial but not overly friendly relationship with). I have my son every other week, for the whole week at a time. While I’m at work, my mother (who lives across the field from me on the same land), keeps my son.
My parents divorced when I was 18-19. Both are mid-50s. Mother is single, homebody who doesn’t work. She has a ton of health problems, and only gets minor help from the government. I help to support her some, but not fully (grandparents help also). Dad is a remarried alcoholic who lives 3 hours away (currently having marital issues, but only drinking occasionally, not what we consider a problem at the moment). He was a hard worker who made a lot of money, until he was sucked inside a haybaler on our farm when I was 16, survived but lost a leg (which led to his previous “redneck” drinking to turn into alcoholism). He receives a small check, and uses it on cigarettes and food. Neither parent is financially stable. I also have a 36yr old sister, who is a drug addict that bounces from meth head to heroin addict dens, who I do not communicate with. My previous mentioned grandfather is extremely well off from being successful and frugal his entire life.
I myself work a stable job that I have been at since I was 21. I made supervisor within 2 years, and have been happy at that level, but would go higher if the situation presented itself. I bring home $75000-90,000 a year after OT. I work 6-7 days a week, although weekends are sometimes half days. I drank and did dumb stuff in my early 20s, as well as experimenting with drugs. I smoked weed heavily for a few years, and drank socially. In my late 20s, I started taking tianeptine pills from the gas station for pain(I have had a constant muscles/bone issue in my upper back since I was 19) and anxiety, without realizing they were highly addictive. This went on for a few years before I was able to quit. I suffered severely financially due to this (and am still not well off). I kicked the tianeptine by using opiates for 6 months, and then finally got help through a clinic and am currently on suboxone and get drug tested once a month. I no longer drink either.
My fiance and I met on the dating app Hinge and started dating in January 2023. She was 25 at the time and still living with parents. She is an elementary school teacher. While living with her parents, she had a 9pm curfew on weekdays, and a 1am curfew on Friday and Saturday night. This was crazy to me, as I never had a curfew after high school, especially as an adult with a job, but she abided by it every night, and I never complained to anyone else besides her about it. She has no kids, and is the oldest of multiple kids.
Her parents are early 40s. Dad is her real dad, mother is step mom. Her real mother is a drug addict who left her and 2 other kids. Fiance does not communicate with real mom.The step mother has one boy who is from a previous marriage with a drug addict who died, and dad and step mom have a 10 yr old daughter together. Stepmom is a teacher also, and her dad drives a truck for a timber company. She is also from a small town 30 minutes away from me.
Now I will get into our relationship with each other, and the in-laws.
When we started dating, everything was normal (minus the curfew). I met her parents and grandparents(dad’s parents, who she is extremely close with), and her friends. She was not able to spend a lot of time with my friends. My friends live in a larger city an hour away, and I usually spend the night when I go see them (this was impossible due to the curfew). She got me back into church, in which I would go with her each Sunday morning (grandparents always present, parents only went one time). We spent a lot of time at my house, due to me having my own place, and us being adults and not wanting to sit on her parents couch. I also have a child and home/property responsibilities that I have to do by myself, since I lived alone at the time.
All of a sudden, 2-3 months into us dating, her parents became extremely cold towards me, and by extension her. When asked why, they wouldn’t give specific reasons. They did state that they gave me a chance for them to get to know me, but since I never wanted to be around them that they didn’t know anything about me (I went on multiple family outings with them to her siblings extracurricular activities, birthdays, etc). But they never took into account that I was an adult with adult responsibilities who couldn’t hangout on their couch all day or night. They love her 21 yr old brothers gf, who lives 5 minutes from them, still at home with no kids.
Her mom told multiple people at church that I was lying about working 7 days a week when they would ask why I wasn’t at church, and she told multiple people that I lied about my mom being sick. Her parents would also time me if I had to make trips back and forth to get/give my son to his mom (Sunday is our swap day, at the same time that her grandparents cooked for the family every week), and would make comments about how long I was taking.
Last July 4th we were invited to her parents to eat and couldn’t believe it. Her parents actually spoke to me(they had been acting like I didn’t exist for a while), but I figured it was just because other family was there. After the other family left though, the parents continued to engage in conversation with me specifically about me and themselves, and it was finally a normal time. We left and went back that night to shoot fireworks, and had a good time.
Small tangent- Around May of last year, my fiance started looking for a place to move into, as the curfew was putting a strain on us, and her parents encouraged it. She settled on a small cottage on her grandparents land that we fixed up. After she moved out, her parents told her it was a horrible decision, and did not help her and talk with her about a single thing (even though they encouraged it beforehand). She started spending the night with me, and went back and forth, and I would go stay with her. She wanted to “survive” on her own, but after 3-4 months of having issues with the cottage (it was old, well pump kept having issues, etc.) she finally basically moved in with me.
After July 4, her parents immediately went back to hating me. It was like it never happened. They told her that her 9yr old sister was never allowed around me (I’ve never been in any situation to suggest I would be a danger in any way). Her siblings would tell us how her dad said he wanted to hit me.
On her birthday every year, her grandparents cook for the family. Her grandparents have never had an issue with me. I go there all the time, the speak and include me, ask about me when I’m not there. But, her grandmother “suggested” she come alone to her birthday lunch because her parents would be there. While she has chosen to leave me at home various times to not cause a problem when it comes to seeing her siblings (which has caused fights between us because I feel she doesn’t stand her ground sometimes), she told them that she would be bringing her boyfriend to her birthday lunch. When we walked in the door, her parents walked out the other door and left without saying a word or even Happy Birthday to her, which made her cry. Her grandparents tried to lighten the mood and treated me good while I was there.
I proposed in December, and her parents refuse to come to the wedding. Her mom has also said her little sister cannot be in the wedding. Her younger brothers now fiance had also dropped out of being a bridesmaid because she doesn’t want to make the mom mad (parents let her move in with him after my fiance moved out, even though before that curfews were in effect and no one could spend the night under any circumstance. Her grandparents are actively helping with wedding plans.
Her parents do not know about my former issues with pain pills(my fiance knows everything about me). I have never been drunk, or even drank around them. The worst thing I may have done was say a cuss word here or there. My age is not the issue, as her mom has tried to hook her up with guys older than me in the past. My kid isn’t the issue that I know of. Both of her parents had kids out of wedlock, and both have been divorced. When her mom asked her sister why she likes me, her sister said “because he is nice to me, he’s funny, and he has a little boy I can play with”, her mom responded “well we can find her someone better who has a kid you can play with”.
I would understand them just not liking me as a person. There’s a ton of people I don’t like, but I can be around them because I’m an adult in control of my emotions. But we have to actively plan our lives to where her parents and I are never at the same place at the same time. They have tried to turn her whole extended family against me, and constantly tell her everyone hates me, but I am always invited and talked to at family gatherings that don’t involve them. Her church family includes me in events and activities. Her mom told her that she is just trying to save her, but she won’t ever give any specifics as to why I’m no good. (When I live a lot of the exact same lifestyle that they do).
My fiance keeps hoping things will get better when we have kids together, which we plan on. But from my side, they have alienated me so bad, that I don’t know if I ever want them around my kids.
Has anyone been in this predicament? I have thought many times of messaging them myself asking what the problem was. I would be okay if they just didn’t like me, but they take it out on my fiance and still control her life through it (our wedding can’t even be how she imagined). I’m not asking for forgiveness for something I haven’t done, and I’m not begging them to like me. I believe they are both immature adults, are very controlling, and are angry they couldn’t make these large life decisions for their daughter, instead of just being a part of them with her.
If you’ve made it this far, please give me your thoughts. What would you do? Thank you

This is a long story – and I apologize for that. I figured I should tell the whole story, for both you – and for my adult children. I’m not comfortable with leaving a note behind. Also, everything in this is true and can be PROVEN. I’m willing to entertain this while I’m still here. If you want proof of anything written below, just ask and I’ll provide the proof you request. I probably have maybe 3 weeks left – to make it, or to give up AGAIN. Thanks!
My father severely abused me from the time I was in diapers until I was big enough and man enough to stand up to him. He would leave bleeding welts on top of older bruised welts. I once showed my 6th grade teacher thinking I would be kept safe, and the only thing that happened was she talked to him and more abuse. He hit me in my head often, knocked me unconscious, and called me stupid. He is responsible for the low self-esteem and low self-image I carried with me throughout my life. I never felt worthy of anything or anyone.
I did meet a beautiful girl 21 when I was 23. She was in an abusive marriage and wanted out. I don’t know if she really fell in love with me, or used me to save her from her current situation. I did fall in love with her though. We got married (a year and a half after her divorce) and had 2 kids.
I was in a bad car accident and became addicted to the pain pills. Instead of supporting treatment or rehab, she packed up herself and the kids, and left me. She moved in with her dad.
I sank into a depression and my addiction progressed. It evolved to heroin. I got caught and was sentenced to 5 years in prison.
She moved back into the house. I did overcome my addiction and quit in 2008 while in prison. She started writing to me when I had one year left to serve before my release from prison. She never did tell me she loved me, but told me that she missed me, felt safe and secure with me, and blah, blah, blah… She was in another abusive relationship again though, and I guess she needed to be rescued again. I still don’t know if she ever loved me, but I was in love with her, and planned to move back home and reclaim my family – my wife, my kids, my home.
6 months before my release, the truth came out. She was away from the abusive guy, and needed support. She needed food stamps, Medicaid, and WIC and had to file for divorce in order to qualify for the benefits. WIC? Yeah, more of the truth – she had 2 more kids with the abusive crackhead (literally).
1 month before my release, she notified me that she had let him come back a few months ago, because she needed his financial support. I also found out that this dude had my wife, and my 2 sons (then 15 and 17) smoking weed and that Mojo Spice synthetic crap. My kids actually quit school!!! I had to get home and clean up my house and get my family back the way it’s supposed to be.
I got back home after 5 yrs.in prison (03/2013), got rid of him, and fixed my family. It didn’t happen overnight, but we slowly got back to normal. It took about a year. She actually ‘showed’ her love for me. Maybe she had a hard time saying it because of her traumatic experiences with domestic abuse. IDK. We planned on getting remarried in a year or so.
My wife developed a bad cough, and by Christmas 2014, she kept dropping things – phone, drinks, silverware, whatever. I took her to the hospital. The MRI showed 7 lesions in her brain. They believed the Spice/Mojo caused a lung cancer that rapidly spread to her lymph nodes and then to her brain. Prognosis – 4 to 6 months. The radiation made her very sick. She rather spend her last few months with as little sickness as possible and refused all future treatments.
I never stopped loving her and I feel like I was about to be cheated out of something I never did get to get to fully enjoy. I needed to make every moment count and I stayed by her bedside. She passed after 5 months (05/2015). I didn’t work those 5 months, fell into deep depression 5 to 6 months because part of me died too, and we didn’t have life insurance. After trying to pay everything, I ran out of money and lost everything. I became homeless.
My wife said the Bible says, “Ashes to ashes.. “ and she wanted to be ashes. She didn’t want to be put on display and remembered in the condition the cancer left her in – skin on bones and bald. She picked the picture she wanted used at her memorial service, and wanted to be cremated. I did exactly as she wished. Her catholic family didn’t believe she wanted to be cremated, and accused me of taking the cheap way out. I could get no financial assistance from my in-laws (ex in-laws). My parents were dead, and my kids were now 17 and 19. My wife’s family helped my kids, but I had no one to help me. Homelessness was inevitable. My ex-in-laws bailed me out of the foreclosure on the house, but I could no longer live there. They only did it for my kids. I couldn’t pay for the utilities or food, so my kids stayed in our house and I had to leave, so my in-laws (ex) would help support my kids until they could become financially independent, or until I could get my life together and buy back my house (or another one).
I had a couple cousins and friends open their homes to me, but I could obviously see my presence causing a strain on their relationships. I left for the homeless shelter. My first night there, someone stole my bag while I was sleeping, and I had nothing but the clothes on my back. I no longer had an ID and couldn’t stay at the homeless shelter again without one. I was really on the streets the end of 2015.
I never wanted to be a panhandler and hold up a cardboard sign at a traffic intersection, but I had to become that person. It was so degrading – especially with everyone yelling, “Go get a job loser!” Who would hire someone with no identification card, no address, no transportation, no bank account for direct deposit, someone who hasn’t showered, had a haircut, or a change of clothes in over 6 months???
Near the end of 2016, the cops saw me panhandling and recognized me from a missing persons flyer. He told me to call the people who reported me missing – the nursing home. The nurse stated that my mother was dying and really wanted to see me before she died. I told her that I’ll come as soon as possible. She said, “That was 5 months ago. Your mom passed away almost 4 months ago, in mid 2016.”
I was determined to beat homelessness by panhandling. I would panhandle 12 hours a day, and save as much as I could. I could survive on $10 for food, and would save everything else I’d collect. I averaged between $25 and $40 a day. I became homeless when people were already tired of panhandlers at every traffic light. It was hard to make any money panhandling. Most homeless people were alcoholics and drug addicts, and it seemed everyone knew it – and I blended in with them, I guess. I actually had homeless drug addicts asking to borrow money from me. Dude, I’m homeless just like you… I guess nothing can be hidden in plain sight. I guess they watched how many times I collected a dollar or two, and realized I hardly spent any. I don’t know, but they knew I had some money.
I had almost $1500 in cash, and I was so close to beating homelessness. In March 2017 while I was looking for odd jobs, a guy rode up to me on a bicycle, pulled out a gun, put it to my head and said, “Give it all to me.” I’m not going to let someone just shoot me in the head. I put up a fight, and in the struggle for the gun, he twisted it into my chest and pulled the trigger. He shot me in the chest and the bullet barely missed my heart. Because of the positioning, the bullet traveled through my intestines, hit and fractured my pelvic bone and lodged in my left-back waistline. I woke up in the ICU with an incision from the top of my chest down to below my abdomen – and I had a colostomy bag.
I lost my wife, lost everything else, became homeless, lost my mom and missed telling her goodbye, got robbed and shot, and now had a colostomy bag. I was discharged from the hospital to bedrest, to keep my wound clean, and was supposed to change the colostomy bag daily. I couldn’t get medical supplies or colostomy bags. They are mailed by McKesson, and I didn’t have an address. I used 1 colostomy bag for several weeks and had it duct taped to my stomach. It kept leaking. I couldn’t take anymore. I reached my breaking point and wanted to die – immediately!!!
A few homeless people overdosed on fentanyl and some died on $10 and $20 bags. I decided that’s how I would go. I panhandled and saved $68. I got with a homeless drug addict and bought him a $20 bag for hooking me up, and bought a ½ gram and a syringe for $50 ($48). I went to the middle of the park and did almost all of it in one shot. The $20 bag overdosed Brian, but the $50 didn’t overdose me. I don’t understand, because I haven’t even drank since 2008. It was over 9 years since I did anything. I don’t know. It did make me seriously loaded/high though. It didn’t kill me, but it made me feel good and it poisoned my thinking - I didn’t have to think or care. I still wanted to die though…
As long as I used the fentanyl, suicide wasn’t so urgent. I was able to live. I wasn’t able to cope. I was only able to live a while longer by suppressing the suicidal thoughts. Without it, I probably would have run out in front of a speeding truck or something. I was able to panhandle without caring, and I was able to take a little better care of myself. I was able to convince my surgeon that I was no longer homeless, and I got him to reverse the ostomy. My life was getting better.
In 2018, my intestines pushed through the incision giving me a 12cm stage 2 incisional hernia. In 2019 I had my 3rd major surgery to repair the hernia.
My life was surely improving, but still sucked. The only thing that could possibly prevent suicide and stop the drugs would be beating homelessness. In March 2020 the world pandemic came. The local government put all of the homeless in hotels and motels. I now had a temporary address and filed for food stamps, the 2 stimulus checks, and pandemic unemployment. I made a plan to use the pandemic money ONLY to get off the streets. I became chemically dependent on the fentanyl, but became a handyman for the motel and used that income to support my dependency.
I used my pandemic money only to buy a 2018 Nissan in 2020 with only 23k miles on it, rented a house with a big yard, and bought enough tools to start my own handyman business. The only thing left to do was kick the dependency. I say ‘chemically dependent’ and not ‘addicted’, because I had no psychological obsession and compulsion for the stuff. I didn’t like the way it made me feel anymore. I didn’t like it poisoning my thoughts anymore. I only had a physical need for it to be able to function. Otherwise I went through withdrawal sickness.
I was able to go to a detox hospital, and they only let me stay 7 days (Medicaid won’t cover any longer than that). I didn’t experience any withdrawals until day 6. I was being discharged the next day. I had to get on MATs (Suboxone). I didn’t like it, and went with the Sublocade injection. I weaned myself off of that and I’m completely drug-free now.
Unfortunately, my business suffered when I went to the detox hospital. I planned on staying in contact with my contract customers, but the detox hospital lost my wallet with my list of phone numbers during intake. Cell phones are not allowed, so I brought my number list with me. I lost my 2 biggest contracts. I planned on stringing them along for the week, but no contact for an entire week violated our contract. I went from making $2000 to $3000 a week to $2000 a month.
I recently had my endocrine system crash and I became very sick. My body stopped producing hormones and other things. I had no energy, I was tired all the time, and I gained 80 lbs in less than 6 months. I went from 185 to almost 270 lbs. I got so big, I couldn’t breathe when trying to tie my shoes.
I’m on testosterone injections and other meds now. My health is getting a little better, but my business is gone. I have no customers left. I haven’t had much income in months. I’ve been living off of my savings. My savings is gone. I’ve tried to find a job, but I’m 56 yrs old, out of shape and not in the best health, and other than my own small business, I have no verifiable employment history in the past 10 years. Either I’m overqualified, underqualified, too old, no employment history, a convicted felon, etc. I’m about to lose everything again. I refuse to become homeless again. I’d rather be dead. I could sell my tools, but then I might as well plan on never working again. The last time I reached my breaking point, I really tried to kill myself on an overdose of fentanyl. I’m not scared to do it again. This time, the syringe I have (for the testosterone injections) is a LOT bigger. I could probably fit 10x as much. I’m not scared to fall asleep and never wake up again. I’ve been super lonely since Lisa died. I feel I have nothing more to live for anymore anyway. Being 56 now, my life is basically over anyway. I’ve come a long way. I’ve come too far to lose it all and become homeless again.
This isn’t a cry for help and I’m not attention-seeking. This post is more for my kids to understand why I chose this way. They have their own lives now, and there’s nothing they can do to make my life better anyway. I’ve been lonely too long, and now I can’t afford to pay my bills anymore. I refuse to be homeless again. If I can find a way to cover my bills, it would definitely buy me some more time. I just don’t want to be lonely much longer either. If something great happens, great! If not, I’ll be gone in about 3 weeks. I’ll probably be evicted right after the first week of May. If so, bye cruel world! Come to think about it… Lisa passed away on May 9, 2015. I could go May 9, 2024.
I’m not religious anymore either. I lost all of that over the years… Please don’t tell me that I’m still here because God has a plan for me, or anything like that. If this is his plan, his plan (my whole life basically) sucks, and I don’t want any part of it anymore!!! My life has gotten so much better since losing my religion. It feels better to not think a loving God gave me this life. And please don’t preach. I’m a atheist now, and only God himself could prove his existence and convert me back to a theist. Thanks!

Feeling a little defeated after my 2nd ER. Just got the results and as of day 7 have 3 cryopreserved embryos, but none had enough cells to be biopsied for PGT-A testing.
Some background: I just turned 36, never been pregnant. I’ve done every test over the last 2 years and everything has come up normal. My husband is 37 and has done multiple semen analyses + DNA frag, all normal. I honestly have been surprised by his results though because he regularly takes Suboxone and smokes weed for anxiety.
Results of 1st ER: 16 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized, 5 blasts, 2 euploid Results of 2nd ER: 9 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized, 3 blasts. Protocol slightly changed this cycle as I changed doctors- she recommended higher doses of Menopur.
I transferred the 2 healthy embryos last year (separate FETs), neither implanted. I did fully medicated cycles both times. I haven’t heard from my doctor yet but looking for advice here. At my age and history is it worth a 3rd FET without the embryos having enough cells to have been tested? I was hoping to avoid another ER but thinking I may need to go that route.

OMG the title, I HAVE ONE EYE I DIDNT EVEN SEE THAT. MODS I HAD TO REPOST AS I ONLY HAVE ONE EYE >_<.
I do apologize, I left the other one still active, simply due to the comments. I dont know how to archive a post - maybe that'd be better.
SO... this is a tad bit late for a review.. had a rough weekend. But hey, that's to be expected in a brain injury group home.
So before I review ET2 again - here is my disclaimer first. Absolutely NONE of the symptoms in which Kanna from this company that may or may not help a severe TBI - none of those claims are backed by the FDA. They should be, but unfortunately - nothing I say medically with Kanna is backed by the FDA.
So, I have had a decent relationship with Ultrakanna. First a bit about me and my background in the last almost 5 years of my life.
At 28, I was attacked - drugged, and lead out to a street at about 5am and left there. This was a busy street so of course I was hit as a pedestrian, and really - I don't want to go into to much detail about why this happened, but before I turned to nature only.. the life of being an idiot caught up to me. This ended up with a 28 a day coma, leading me to have among all my injuries being the worse, a Traumatic Brain Injury rated at moderate-to-severe. Although one could argue time wise, it was severe. Due to this I have lived in a nursing home at 28-30 (oh boy was 2019 and 2020 insane), an assisted living, and now rightfully so a group home that is for TBI/ABI(stroke)/Dementia- Alzheimer's/Hospice. Its safe to say, with having zero family or friends anymore as they are back home in MO, that I have nobody to help. There was a woman I met who ironically enough was a lawyer, big time, who practiced in Topeka and I lived 6 miles from the Leavenworth border to Missouri in the nursing home who realized I had zero help from any source, aside from the long term Medicaid $79.00 a month. My hometowns claim to fame is the McCormick's brewery lmao. Before she passed - she is the one that found the word Kanna, read about its potential to help nearly every single symptom I have, as well as other injuries. Again, none of these are backed by FDA - to which Ill repeat a few more times, and she would be correct about that.
When I first tried Kanna, it was from Ulrtrakanna, as they seemed like a very warm and friendly almost family type of operation I was told by her. Its safe to say, she was beyond correct. So I had tried at that time UC, ET2 and when I could afford it (as I'm trying desperately to do now) I tried ET2-ZSPEC. Why I say I am desperately trying to afford to buy again, its safe to say in the last 6 years Medicaid has been demonized, and I no longer get the long-term Medicaid benefit of $79 dollars a month. The reason I am giving you this background information is because as my friend had said, this seemed like a company set apart from every other company - and she had been correct. May she rest in peace. Also with her knowing my injuries - she was correct. She passed not much longer after that.
So here is my major symptoms of my TBI rated that high as well as the damage from the car:

• Extreme PTSD
• Extreme Narcolepsy
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• General Anxiety Disorder
• Zero short term memory abilities - almost.
• Long term memory impaired due to short, that's sort of obvious but took me a long time to realize.
• Metal everywhere.
• Lost all teeth.
• Third Nerve Palsy in right eye (one of the more annoying ones, I see 4-5 different views overlapping my left eye's vision while also being dilated way more than eye doctor dilation eye drops).
• Unwanted fear of nearly everything
• Insane depression that has lead to multiple mental holds due to either attempts or saying If felt like unaliving.
• Extreme chronic pain nearly every it seems, however as I was hit on my right side, my right knee, upper thigh and buttocks area is very painful.

My first time reviewing Ulrtrakanna - and second, and third IIRC, the one thing that made UC even seem like it was far to strong... was because I did not mention I was also taking extreme amounts of kratom due to at the time, as it took 4 years, I was taking nothing for pain. I am now on a single day dose of 16mg suboxone - to which I no longer feel, and its not a big difference maker in terms of how Kanna effects me. Sometimes.
I want to take another look at ET2 and write out how much of a LIFE SAVER it is. I mean that. I have every now and again asked for help when I couldn't do it myself, and they have been wonderful - for that, I just don't know what to say... I've never met anyone, A VENDOR NO LESS, who actually cared.
Now when I say the Kanna received from this company that it takes care of nearly all those symptoms - I mean it and am going to break down how it helps - and how much life saving potential it has for me. Me leaving a review - I don't expect anything of it.
SO let's take a look at that injury/symptom list again, and let me share with you how it helps. AGAIN NONE OF THESE STATEMENT OF HELPING ANY MEDICAL AILMENT IS BACKED BY THE FDA. I CANNOT REPEAT THAT ENOUGH. ULTRAKANNA'S PRODUCTS ARE NOT BACKED BY THE FDA, NOT UC, NOT ET2, NONE OF THEM ARE BACKED.

• Extreme PTSD

1. ET2 Kanna has been able to stop nearly any and all flashbacks. I have them for any reason possible as PTSD is a byproduct of nearly all traumatic brain injuries. I feel like even when I do have them - its far easier to breathe though them, and far less intense. Although they are very few and far between. This also adds to the desire to be around anyone for this reason. Flashbacks typically happen MORE when I am in any contact even with one person, but more like my daily routine of going outside and walking I am then presented with being around multiple people, two of whom don't really have much to cause said flashbacks or anxiety really, but it adds to the count of people when I go up & out. It makes it far easier to simply walk by them on my way outside.

• Social Anxiety Disorder
• General Anxiety Disorder

1. I am going to group both of these together. Even as a youngin' in my early teens, after having a Colitis, then Crohn's and Celiac disorders, this lead to both being diagnosed as a kid. Around 12-13 to be exact. This started big time as soon as I was put on steroids - and due to that I went to a psych and have been taking benzos all my life because of it. These are also AMPLIFIED due to traumatic brain injury. However, Just like PTSD, when I dose ET2 it seemingly flawlessly aids in these two areas as I'm far less likely to have any panic. Now while typing this - my brother was able to help me with some things - and unfortunately due to shipping on my smoke website I was off well over 22 dollars due to shipping for much needed papers/tobacco and Amazon had just made me freak out, cancel orders, redo them... while simultaneously searching my room at breakneck speed due to panic for more papers. I then went to my lockbox - and dosed some ET2, so as of typing this, this recent... it got me to sit back down, deal with the anxiety (my hearts still racing and not from Kanna but panic) here in about 20 minutes ill be calm and back to square one. This will also be very beneficial for me to go outside and smoke, and go for a much needed walk as I typically go out of my way to gain rewards on an app that even at 400 points lmao it will still take me roughly 5 months to order more ET2 or research the new products, which there is a few I want to try - but I'll keep the determination up.

• Zero short term memory abilities - almost.
• Long term memory impaired due to short, that's sort of obvious but took me a long time to realize.

1. Now - this is an area that is VERY interesting to me. It is not a fix, or a patch, or an upgrade... however as of my first time trying Kanna... it wasn't until maybe the 4th dose or day rather, that I noticed I no longer had to write down reminders or put an alarm on my phone. When looking this up, I found Zembrin. Not only doing research on what that was, it confirmed that even FDA approved versions, it did aid in memory ability for retention. I don't know whether or not to say that is back by FDA as its still very new, and upon asking my doc - she had never heard of it, nor do I think its something shed consider even prescribing IF it were even covered by state insurance.. however, when looking that up, memory and cognitive functions were seemingly also helped along with a few other things Kanna is able to help with cognitively. Since I am unable to find more research on that particular prescription, for safety I am going to say that It is not FDA backed - as even though its being prescribed in some places, I cannot find anything to say otherwise. I found this to be an amazing and interesting topic and fell down a rabbit hole. But I believe this to be not only extremely helpful but therapeutic as well as it for a short while, it definitely helps give me some temporary 'feel good' in a sense that for a short while, my memory is greatly enhanced. This leads to being able to remember much better for at least a little longer than usual day wise as the memories obtained while its being used is in fact stored for a little bit longer, and the one time Ill say PTSD flashbacks help lol.

• Metal everywhere.
• Lost all teeth.
• Extreme chronic pain nearly every it seems, however as I was hit on my right side, my right knee, upper thigh and buttocks area is very painful

1. These three... I sorta have to group together. While it does help my right arm where the metal in me, or titanium to be exact still is uncomfortable in quite a few different positions - even though I do take a very strong opioid daily - that doesn't help nerve or related pain to where my nerves are in that part of my right forearm. I noticed I was able to use my mouse longer for gaming, and typing as you see here - this was all in one go, minus the freakout lol with amazon, but the like I said with that - I've been able to calm down quite effectively.
2. Teeth - so upon using this wonderful supplement, I did find the cut or whatever is used in the liquid versions seem to be horrible for dosing, pain wises. While its still very effective, it hurt using the liquid versions. Which, ironically, I have sublingually used the powder version without pain. It does not kick in as fast as insufflation however. But just like some nerve pain Ulrtrakanna's ET2 was able to help subside - this was too able to aid in the, to some extent - I find the insufflation to be far better.
3. Now - as far as I am concerned, even with the dosage I am on for MAT (mediation assisted treatment) with subs... it seems like it helps kill pain far more efficiently I find that when both regular pain control is taken care of by a daily prescription, the nerve pain (at least for me) greatly adds to that. It almost feels like I can take more pain unnoticaly. I have to be aware of this as when my long distant brother DOES help with my habit of smoking, I roll my own filterless and boy do I have wicked burns - simply because I do not feel it.

• Third Nerve Palsy in right eye (one of the more annoying ones, I see 4-5 different views overlapping my left eye's vision while also being dilated way more than eye doctor dilation eye drops).:

1. The above is blunt force trauma to the head causing third nerve palsy, it doesn't do anything for it, but just wanted to list the main injuries I sustained.

• Unwanted fear of nearly everything

1. Just like my PTSD issues - its not a "superman" feeling - but, I don't really know how to describe it. GAD, SAD and PTSD I have already covered. However - due to being in a lock downed nursing home due to COVID, there is a 13 month period after brain injuries that is very important. During those 13 months youre going to set the standard for your TBI to a big extent of what things are going to be like, and what things are NOT going to be like. The main thing that happened to me due to lockdown and being unable to leave... I now have a diagnosis of Agoraphobia. When I first got here I used to smoke at the end of the driveway as we have to off campus as this is a medical facility, federally funded - even though its a house and past residents have, I am not allowed this feature. This makes walking up and down the stairs horrendous for me, but pain free when using ET2

• Insane depression that has lead to multiple mental holds due to either attempts or saying If felt like unaliving.

1. So finally, this I wanted to cover last... and its hard for me to speak on, so I am not going to go out of my way doing so. The above is true. However, just like Zembrin is prescribed for somethings - I was able to tell it was an anti-depressant. Since using ET2 or any products I have obtained from Ulrtrakanna.. it has helped more than I really can say.. Its not like it cured it.. but for a good 12 hours even after use, even if its once a day, man this hard to type lol without tearing up.. after losing my best friend whom I stated was in the nursing home, she took me in and took care of me. This is something I think about every single day. Now, it does help using ET2 as I find it has TREMENDOUS abilities to aid in this hell I feel I am in. Being 34, the youngest in a group full of TBI's... its insane. Remember, Chris Benoit had the same brain injury as me. Its not that I understand what he did, as it was disgusting - even more so idolizing him as a young kid watch then WWF... but that's what TBI is capable of. I have good days and bad ones. Seems like the bad ones happen more often than not here.. especially with the lack of anyone really. Just because my brother helped this one time - doesn't mean we talk. I am alone 24/7. I stay as much as I can possibly stay in my room only leaving when its for the bathroom or to go outside and walk while smoking. If this were feasible I would be spending a good portion a month on this product as well, it really helps. I really don't want to go into further details so I am going to move on with this review.

Overall I have found while not using kratom at he same time anymore, that it has been far more beneficial than I ever thought. It seems hard to think about living without this, but - well unfortunately that's the world I am in - and when they can help or I have the money, Ill be able to help myself.
I DO HAVE ONLY ONE NEGATIVE THING TO SAY ABOUT THIS PRODUCT.
I have one eye, and a plate in my right forearm. I had two full ET2 bottles that I put into one of the original containers and well, this time, I due to carpeting and having the third nerve palsy wearing an eye patch I have zero depth perception and am limited to what my arm can do. This was the first time having this problem, but I could foresee it happening to others who may have one eye.
I went to transfer the second gram into the bottle (as you can fit two in the original packaging) and unfortunately with the eye patch, no depth perception is a problem and I don't have tons of furniture provided by them here, they give us a bed and tiny dresser lol. I have my own "desk" if you want to call it that, more like a work station you'd see at the hospital so I use transferring the second ET2 while doing this on my dresser and unfortunately spilled the gram onto carpet. ARGHH!!!! Its not everyday I am able to have this stuff - so I tried to salvage what I could, which wasn't much as its that old shag carpet down stairs here... It is probably cheaper for them to package ET2 in the plastic containers, so I am not mad.. especially due to the fact I have one eye, and chose to not move some stuff around and use a bigger space. I am just mad at my self for being so excited and not using the correct type of place to do the transfer. I wont have the money to get that again. But, hey, that's life being disabled. I was seriously so let down I literally cried. Its so helpful on every level.
So in closing I just want to say, that not only is it useful for some of the bigger things in my life, like injuries - there might be someone here reading that has some of those issues, and may want to look into this product. I encourage you do to so! As soon as I can I will order more - but we're talking, only if I can get help from another person somehow. I've tried doing a GoFundMe - as its literally that important in my life, and I didn't say what I was using the money for - but I did say what it would help me with. All in all... if you're on the fence, GIVE THESE FOLKS A SHOT! They have many different products now - some of which are seriously interesting. I wish I could try MX-8, or MX-12 and even KannaCalm.. but yeah lol, ill have to wait for help from above for that. Maybe my GFM will fill sometime, maybe it wont. We'll see.
Ultrakanna - you are fantastic. I love everything you stand for as a company.
And please remember readers - non of this is FDA backed by them. This is just anecdotal evidence from some who is physically and mentally wrecked lol.
edit: bumped to fix a few spelling errors which I am sure I haven't found all yet lmao it sucks having one eye!

Everything she did and said to him led to his early death. She is four years older than him.
She started early, peeking under the bathroom door at him with a dental mirror when he was just a little kid, just starting to explore his body.
She got the middle sister to peep too, and then they tormented him about it for his entire life. Even in his last year on Earth, she mentioned this publicly several times on Facebook.
She molested him and many other children at a family function, groping and grinding, and must have thought it was ok because she had each child put a playing card between their mouth and hers.
She let her boyfriends go into his room and steal his belongings- including the knives that their Vietnam veteran father had carried in combat. Something personally meaningful to him and their father, and just let whoever take it, as long as they'd fuck her later.
She did something that deserved punishment, but their father thought he did it, so he got an ass whooping. When it was over, she brought him his first cigarette in thanks. He was 11. He smoked for the rest of his life.
She got into drugs and alcohol early, and so he felt the need to prove he could "hang".
His death was caused by alcoholism and a benzo addiction that could not be stopped.
As an adult, she would berate him for days on end, via text message, FB message, phone calls at all hours of the day and night. Telling him she was glad when his wife died of cancer. That she hopes his kids die in a fire and join their mother in hell.
(Edit to add: At his wife's funeral, she started a fight with his friend's wife in the restroom of the funeral parlor. She somehow makes every funeral about herself, and even suggested that she wear a crown and have a throne at her daughter's baby shower. Who the hell does that????)
And then suddenly she would become a sad broke victim, and ask him for money and cigarettes and soda, which he would gladly give, hoping she was finally becoming the decent older sister he wanted. She would write beautifully calligraphed letters to him, praising him for being the best brother ever, and plying him with suboxones and whatever other drugs she had on hand. Delivered to his mailbox.
And then suddenly he was to blame for everything again and the texts and calls would start back up.
Their mother died in a boating accident, and when he saw the cops at the door, he thought they were there to tell him about yet another domestic violence issue between her and her husband. Very sadly not the case.
But not long after that, she sent the cops to his house again- he thought one of his kids had died, he was a wreck. But she had gotten a restraining order against him. He fought it in court, and it was turned into a mutual no contact thing.
But she continued her plot to tear him down any way she could. Posted photos of her "war room" in the hotel of the local casino where she was meticulously planning his downfall.
Their mother's estate still is not finished, three years later, because she pestered the estate attorney so much that they had to bring in a mediator. Then she pestered the mediator so much that no one would tell her brother anything that was going on with the estate. She refused to sign forms for months just to piss him off.
I was not able to be with him in the end. But I have no doubt that she sent Wellness Checks to his door often. Those of course involved the cops. He got to recognize them on sight.
He had so very much other trauma in his life, and the only coping mechanism he turned to was chemicals- drugs and alcohol.
Introduced by his "loving" older sister, and perpetuated by her lifelong abuse. I wish there was a way to sue her face off. Karma is working entirely too slow.

OMG the title, I HAVE ONE EYE I DIDNT EVEN SEE THAT. MODS CAN I GET HELP SPELLING THAT RIGHT? I HAVE ONE EYE ><_<
1SO... this is a tad bit late for a review.. had a rough weekend. But hey, that's to be expected in a brain injury group home.
So before I review ET2 again - here is my disclaimer first. Absolutely NONE of the symptoms in which Kanna from this company that may or may not help a severe TBI - none of those claims are backed by the FDA. They should be, but unfortunately - nothing I say medically with Kanna is backed by the FDA.
So, I have had a decent relationship with Ultrakanna. First a bit about me and my background in the last almost 5 years of my life.
At 28, I was attacked - drugged, and lead out to a street at about 5am and left there. This was a busy street so of course I was hit as a pedestrian, and really - I don't want to go into to much detail about why this happened, but before I turned to nature only.. the life of being an idiot caught up to me. This ended up with a 28 a day coma, leading me to have among all my injuries being the worse, a Traumatic Brain Injury rated at moderate-to-severe. Although one could argue time wise, it was severe. Due to this I have lived in a nursing home at 28-30 (oh boy was 2019 and 2020 insane), an assisted living, and now rightfully so a group home that is for TBI/ABI(stroke)/Dementia- Alzheimer's/Hospice. Its safe to say, with having zero family or friends anymore as they are back home in MO, that I have nobody to help. There was a woman I met who ironically enough was a lawyer, big time, who practiced in Topeka and I lived 6 miles from the Leavenworth border to Missouri in the nursing home who realized I had zero help from any source, aside from the long term Medicaid $79.00 a month. My hometowns claim to fame is the McCormick's brewery lmao. Before she passed - she is the one that found the word Kanna, read about its potential to help nearly every single symptom I have, as well as other injuries. Again, none of these are backed by FDA - to which Ill repeat a few more times, and she would be correct about that.
When I first tried Kanna, it was from Ulrtrakanna, as they seemed like a very warm and friendly almost family type of operation I was told by her. Its safe to say, she was beyond correct. So I had tried at that time UC, ET2 and when I could afford it (as I'm trying desperately to do now) I tried ET2-ZSPEC. Why I say I am desperately trying to afford to buy again, its safe to say in the last 6 years Medicaid has been demonized, and I no longer get the long-term Medicaid benefit of $79 dollars a month. The reason I am giving you this background information is because as my friend had said, this seemed like a company set apart from every other company - and she had been correct. May she rest in peace. Also with her knowing my injuries - she was correct. She passed not much longer after that.
So here is my major symptoms of my TBI rated that high as well as the damage from the car:

• Extreme PTSD
• Extreme Narcolepsy
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• General Anxiety Disorder
• Zero short term memory abilities - almost.
• Long term memory impaired due to short, that's sort of obvious but took me a long time to realize.
• Metal everywhere.
• Lost all teeth.
• Third Nerve Palsy in right eye (one of the more annoying ones, I see 4-5 different views overlapping my left eye's vision while also being dilated way more than eye doctor dilation eye drops).
• Unwanted fear of nearly everything
• Insane depression that has lead to multiple mental holds due to either attempts or saying If felt like unaliving.
• Extreme chronic pain nearly every it seems, however as I was hit on my right side, my right knee, upper thigh and buttocks area is very painful.

My first time reviewing Ulrtrakanna - and second, and third IIRC, the one thing that made UC even seem like it was far to strong... was because I did not mention I was also taking extreme amounts of kratom due to at the time, as it took 4 years, I was taking nothing for pain. I am now on a single day dose of 16mg suboxone - to which I no longer feel, and its not a big difference maker in terms of how Kanna effects me. Sometimes.
I want to take another look at ET2 and write out how much of a LIFE SAVER it is. I mean that. I have every now and again asked for help when I couldn't do it myself, and they have been wonderful - for that, I just don't know what to say... I've never met anyone, A VENDOR NO LESS, who actually cared.
Now when I say the Kanna received from this company that it takes care of nearly all those symptoms - I mean it and am going to break down how it helps - and how much life saving potential it has for me. Me leaving a review - I don't expect anything of it.
SO let's take a look at that injury/symptom list again, and let me share with you how it helps. AGAIN NONE OF THESE STATEMENT OF HELPING ANY MEDICAL AILMENT IS BACKED BY THE FDA. I CANNOT REPEAT THAT ENOUGH. ULTRAKANNA'S PRODUCTS ARE NOT BACKED BY THE FDA, NOT UC, NOT ET2, NONE OF THEM ARE BACKED.

• Extreme PTSD

1. ET2 Kanna has been able to stop nearly any and all flashbacks. I have them for any reason possible as PTSD is a byproduct of nearly all traumatic brain injuries. I feel like even when I do have them - its far easier to breathe though them, and far less intense. Although they are very few and far between. This also adds to the desire to be around anyone for this reason. Flashbacks typically happen MORE when I am in any contact even with one person, but more like my daily routine of going outside and walking I am then presented with being around multiple people, two of whom don't really have much to cause said flashbacks or anxiety really, but it adds to the count of people when I go up & out. It makes it far easier to simply walk by them on my way outside.

• Social Anxiety Disorder
• General Anxiety Disorder

1. I am going to group both of these together. Even as a youngin' in my early teens, after having a Colitis, then Crohn's and Celiac disorders, this lead to both being diagnosed as a kid. Around 12-13 to be exact. This started big time as soon as I was put on steroids - and due to that I went to a psych and have been taking benzos all my life because of it. These are also AMPLIFIED due to traumatic brain injury. However, Just like PTSD, when I dose ET2 it seemingly flawlessly aids in these two areas as I'm far less likely to have any panic. Now while typing this - my brother was able to help me with some things - and unfortunately due to shipping on my smoke website I was off well over 22 dollars due to shipping for much needed papers/tobacco and Amazon had just made me freak out, cancel orders, redo them... while simultaneously searching my room at breakneck speed due to panic for more papers. I then went to my lockbox - and dosed some ET2, so as of typing this, this recent... it got me to sit back down, deal with the anxiety (my hearts still racing and not from Kanna but panic) here in about 20 minutes ill be calm and back to square one. This will also be very beneficial for me to go outside and smoke, and go for a much needed walk as I typically go out of my way to gain rewards on an app that even at 400 points lmao it will still take me roughly 5 months to order more ET2 or research the new products, which there is a few I want to try - but I'll keep the determination up.

• Zero short term memory abilities - almost.
• Long term memory impaired due to short, that's sort of obvious but took me a long time to realize.

1. Now - this is an area that is VERY interesting to me. It is not a fix, or a patch, or an upgrade... however as of my first time trying Kanna... it wasn't until maybe the 4th dose or day rather, that I noticed I no longer had to write down reminders or put an alarm on my phone. When looking this up, I found Zembrin. Not only doing research on what that was, it confirmed that even FDA approved versions, it did aid in memory ability for retention. I don't know whether or not to say that is back by FDA as its still very new, and upon asking my doc - she had never heard of it, nor do I think its something shed consider even prescribing IF it were even covered by state insurance.. however, when looking that up, memory and cognitive functions were seemingly also helped along with a few other things Kanna is able to help with cognitively. Since I am unable to find more research on that particular prescription, for safety I am going to say that It is not FDA backed - as even though its being prescribed in some places, I cannot find anything to say otherwise. I found this to be an amazing and interesting topic and fell down a rabbit hole. But I believe this to be not only extremely helpful but therapeutic as well as it for a short while, it definitely helps give me some temporary 'feel good' in a sense that for a short while, my memory is greatly enhanced. This leads to being able to remember much better for at least a little longer than usual day wise as the memories obtained while its being used is in fact stored for a little bit longer, and the one time Ill say PTSD flashbacks help lol.

• Metal everywhere.
• Lost all teeth.
• Extreme chronic pain nearly every it seems, however as I was hit on my right side, my right knee, upper thigh and buttocks area is very painful

1. These three... I sorta have to group together. While it does help my right arm where the metal in me, or titanium to be exact still is uncomfortable in quite a few different positions - even though I do take a very strong opioid daily - that doesn't help nerve or related pain to where my nerves are in that part of my right forearm. I noticed I was able to use my mouse longer for gaming, and typing as you see here - this was all in one go, minus the freakout lol with amazon, but the like I said with that - I've been able to calm down quite effectively.
2. Teeth - so upon using this wonderful supplement, I did find the cut or whatever is used in the liquid versions seem to be horrible for dosing, pain wises. While its still very effective, it hurt using the liquid versions. Which, ironically, I have sublingually used the powder version without pain. It does not kick in as fast as insufflation however. But just like some nerve pain Ulrtrakanna's ET2 was able to help subside - this was too able to aid in the, to some extent - I find the insufflation to be far better.
3. Now - as far as I am concerned, even with the dosage I am on for MAT (mediation assisted treatment) with subs... it seems like it helps kill pain far more efficiently I find that when both regular pain control is taken care of by a daily prescription, the nerve pain (at least for me) greatly adds to that. It almost feels like I can take more pain unnoticaly. I have to be aware of this as when my long distant brother DOES help with my habit of smoking, I roll my own filterless and boy do I have wicked burns - simply because I do not feel it.

• Third Nerve Palsy in right eye (one of the more annoying ones, I see 4-5 different views overlapping my left eye's vision while also being dilated way more than eye doctor dilation eye drops).:

1. The above is blunt force trauma to the head causing third nerve palsy, it doesn't do anything for it, but just wanted to list the main injuries I sustained.

• Unwanted fear of nearly everything

1. Just like my PTSD issues - its not a "superman" feeling - but, I don't really know how to describe it. GAD, SAD and PTSD I have already covered. However - due to being in a lock downed nursing home due to COVID, there is a 13 month period after brain injuries that is very important. During those 13 months youre going to set the standard for your TBI to a big extent of what things are going to be like, and what things are NOT going to be like. The main thing that happened to me due to lockdown and being unable to leave... I now have a diagnosis of Agoraphobia. When I first got here I used to smoke at the end of the driveway as we have to off campus as this is a medical facility, federally funded - even though its a house and past residents have, I am not allowed this feature. This makes walking up and down the stairs horrendous for me, but pain free when using ET2

• Insane depression that has lead to multiple mental holds due to either attempts or saying If felt like unaliving.

1. So finally, this I wanted to cover last... and its hard for me to speak on, so I am not going to go out of my way doing so. The above is true. However, just like Zembrin is prescribed for somethings - I was able to tell it was an anti-depressant. Since using ET2 or any products I have obtained from Ulrtrakanna.. it has helped more than I really can say.. Its not like it cured it.. but for a good 12 hours even after use, even if its once a day, man this hard to type lol without tearing up.. after losing my best friend whom I stated was in the nursing home, she took me in and took care of me. This is something I think about every single day. Now, it does help using ET2 as I find it has TREMENDOUS abilities to aid in this hell I feel I am in. Being 34, the youngest in a group full of TBI's... its insane. Remember, Chris Benoit had the same brain injury as me. Its not that I understand what he did, as it was disgusting - even more so idolizing him as a young kid watch then WWF... but that's what TBI is capable of. I have good days and bad ones. Seems like the bad ones happen more often than not here.. especially with the lack of anyone really. Just because my brother helped this one time - doesn't mean we talk. I am alone 24/7. I stay as much as I can possibly stay in my room only leaving when its for the bathroom or to go outside and walk while smoking. If this were feasible I would be spending a good portion a month on this product as well, it really helps. I really don't want to go into further details so I am going to move on with this review.

Overall I have found while not using kratom at he same time anymore, that it has been far more beneficial than I ever thought. It seems hard to think about living without this, but - well unfortunately that's the world I am in - and when they can help or I have the money, Ill be able to help myself.
I DO HAVE ONLY ONE NEGATIVE THING TO SAY ABOUT THIS PRODUCT.
I have one eye, and a plate in my right forearm. I had two full ET2 bottles that I put into one of the original containers and well, this time, I due to carpeting and having the third nerve palsy wearing an eye patch I have zero depth perception and am limited to what my arm can do. This was the first time having this problem, but I could foresee it happening to others who may have one eye.
I went to transfer the second gram into the bottle (as you can fit two in the original packaging) and unfortunately with the eye patch, no depth perception is a problem and I don't have tons of furniture provided by them here, they give us a bed and tiny dresser lol. I have my own "desk" if you want to call it that, more like a work station you'd see at the hospital so I use transferring the second ET2 while doing this on my dresser and unfortunately spilled the gram onto carpet. ARGHH!!!! Its not everyday I am able to have this stuff - so I tried to salvage what I could, which wasn't much as its that old shag carpet down stairs here... It is probably cheaper for them to package ET2 in the plastic containers, so I am not mad.. especially due to the fact I have one eye, and chose to not move some stuff around and use a bigger space. I am just mad at my self for being so excited and not using the correct type of place to do the transfer. I wont have the money to get that again. But, hey, that's life being disabled. I was seriously so let down I literally cried. Its so helpful on every level.
So in closing I just want to say, that not only is it useful for some of the bigger things in my life, like injuries - there might be someone here reading that has some of those issues, and may want to look into this product. I encourage you do to so! As soon as I can I will order more - but we're talking, only if I can get help from another person somehow. I've tried doing a GoFundMe - as its literally that important in my life, and I didn't say what I was using the money for - but I did say what it would help me with. All in all... if you're on the fence, GIVE THESE FOLKS A SHOT! They have many different products now - some of which are seriously interesting. I wish I could try MX-8, or MX-12 and even KannaCalm.. but yeah lol, ill have to wait for help from above for that. Maybe my GFM will fill sometime, maybe it wont. We'll see.
Ultrakanna - you are fantastic. I love everything you stand for as a company.
And please remember readers - non of this is FDA backed by them. This is just anecdotal evidence from some who is physically and mentally wrecked lol.
edit: bumped to fix a few spelling errors which I am sure I haven't found all yet lmao it sucks having one eye!

Hi, 112 years after the sinking of the Titanic I finally took my first dose of semaglutide last night! My question for you all is this:
Did you find relief from skin-picking while on semaglutide? What about from drug cravings?
Personal background (31F): I’ve picked and gouged at my skin badly for the last few years. I was addicted to opiates for a few years and went off Suboxone in late 2017. Since 2019, I’ve been constantly smoking cannabis. I would absolutely love to quit because I don’t think it does me any favors and so I was intrigued by some reports of people with similar issues suddenly experiencing no drive for their old compulsions once on semaglutide. I also smoke tobacco to a lesser extent and would like to stop that too.
I started Lamictal for seizures and Abilify for bipolar around the time I began to gain weight, so either or both may have contributed to that. I’m currently 240lbs, 5’5”, and feel optimistic about getting my health and peace of mind back.
Is there anyone with similar circumstances to mine? What is your experience?

Hey guys,
A bit of background about me:
I'm a 28 year old male who's been addicted to heroin for the last 6 or so years, and heavily using most drugs for 14 years or so. I go to university, am well educated, have lost many friends over the years, lost my girlfriend to an overdose about 6 months ago, have been clean off heroin for about 7 months, play soccer and have travelled all over the world extensively to Europe, India, Mexico, Canada, England and America - for long periods of time. I've loved, I've lost, I've existed, and I've lived. This is my story.
​
Rewind: I had a good upbringing, loving parents, a well off family, went to a private school from the age of 5-16. Had a good group of friends at school whom I all don't talk to any more.
From the age of 13 I remember one day waking up and feeling empty for no reason. Unbeknownst to me this was depression, and I struggled with why I felt so empty for a long time. When I told my parents they were in denial that their perfect child could be suffering from something so foreign to them as mental illness. After a long period of semi extreme self harm I finally got them to agree one night to letting me go on anti depressents, at the age of 15. So I went started seeing a psychiatrist, and tried many different anti depressants. Some made me better for a while and then stopped working. Some made me worse. I eventually settled on an antipsychotic, Abilify. This kept me normal for a while, I never felt too bad, but I never felt good either. One night when I was 14 I had just gotten a brand new MacBook - my pride and joy. My dad had anger issues and I pissed him off one night. He got so angry that he smashed it to bits right in front of me. This was so traumatic for me, I'd never seen such violence and anger in front of me. It tore my heart open and I didn't say a word to my dad for the next 3 years, despite him trying to talk to me every day. I just gave him the silent treatment. I was scarred.
​
At the age of 16 I decided to try weed, and was instantly reeled in from it. It was something that let me be distracted from my life, something that felt truly fun. So I started smoking pretty regularly. My parents were up in arm but I didn't care. They both have never even been drunk in their lives, so this was pretty alien to them. At the age of 17 I wanted to try LSD, and knew that it wouldn't work properly with the medication I was on. So I decided to stop it to try LSD. I stopped cold turkey, and suddenly I didn't feel so bad anymore. For the first time in my memory I actually felt happy. I felt good. Without drugs or anything to aid me. It felt revolutionary. I felt free from the grips of depression. So I continued on my way and went to my first 'bush doof', a sort of hippie psytrance festival, and tried LSD after extensively researching it. I don't remember the experience much, but I know it was profound in a way. I felt like my consciousness had been opened. I went on to finish school with a very good final result, still free from depression. It was like I had a new lease on life.
​
My parents at this point decided to split up. This was quite jarring for me as my dad cheated on my mum and was sending a bunch of our money over to this other woman he had met while travelling in Thailand. I resented my dad for this and didn't talk to him for about 2 years over it.
​
I continued to go to psytrance festivals, and found a new 'family' in that scene. I continued to use LSD pretty heavily, taking it at home by myself regularly. I then tried MDMA, ketamine and DMT, all of which I loved. I would always buy excess at festivals so I could come home and use it alone as well. I cherished using drugs by myself, it allowed me a space to think and analyse my life with a new, open way of thinking. This continued into my early 20's. I was still a happy kid at this stage, I was in love with life an everything it had to offer.
​
I had met a girl at school whom I started dating, she was nice and I was really into her. But eventually time took its toll and we began to argue a lot, we stayed together for 6 years but it was pretty tumultuous by the end. She broke up with me over text by the end of it. I was obviously pretty upset, but it happened on the way to a festival so I thought it was good timing at least. At least I was surrounded by friends and distraction through the initial shock.
​
At the age of 19 I started to extract codeine, which I fell in love with. More so than any drug I'd ever tried. I remember lying on my friends bed, waves of euphoria coming over me. I continued to do codeine semi habitually, for a good 6 months, when I started to get into oxycontin. This was a continuation of my love for opiates. I eventually wanted to try heroin, I wanted the big one. I wanted to do something 'bad'. Something out there. So I hung around in dodgy areas for weeks, asking around if I could buy some off someone. I eventually found some. I only snorted it, didn't even consider IV'ing. But it was love at first sight. However, while I continued to use I managed to keep it to once a week. I didn't want to lose my life and everything I'd created around me. However I didn't really see how much value there truly was in my life, not like I do now in retrospect anyway.
I fell in love with partying, with being on a dance floor. The absolute ecstasy of dancing and moving to good music in itself was intoxicating. Those are some of the best memories of my life. Being on a dancefloor with some of my favourite people, lost in the splendour of it.
I had a great group of friends, super close, not the friends I went to school with, people I met through festivals and other friends. I was happy for so long. While my heroin usage continued along with all other drugs, I began to do more devious things. I began to have to lie to get money, stealing from my parents. I Had a job but it wasn't enough money to fund my drug habit. Festivals weren't cheap and I would easily go through $1000 in a weekend.
​
I had a few other relationships, one with my best friend, which was one of the loveliest times of my life. I really think that's what love is - being with someone who's your best friend. We were deeply in love after being best friends for the last 5 years, one night we just got together and took it from there. But I eventually broke her heart, not that I meant to, or intended to. It just happened. Drugs were a part of the problem, I was using heroin behind her back. She knew I used it but not to what extent. I was ashamed of it so I kept it from her. And my ex girlfriend of 6 years came back into the picture, wanting me back. I was with both of them for a while, which both of them knew about, but eventually I chose my ex over her, which was one thing I'll always regret. I broke the heart of probably one of the only women who will ever truly love me for me. I'll never live that down. I eventually broke up with my ex too. And was left with no one romantically.
​
I started to tell my parents about my drug use, I couldn't really hide it anymore, it was becoming obvious, other than the smell of weed obviously. So I told them everything, minus the heroin. They eventually normalised with it, thank god. It was better to be open with them. I just didn't know how they'd handle heroin (they didn't), my mums brother was a huge heroin addict when he was alive. Addiction runs in our family pretty heavily on the men's side.
​
It was at this point I began to do heroin more. Still just snorting it, but it became a nightly or every 2nd night thing. I still didn't become physically dependant on it, but it began to take its hold. I was about 22 at the time. Over the next few years my heroin use got more and more serious, I began to not go to as many festivals, began to withdraw from friends, began to lie to more people, get money in devious ways.
I eventually told them about the heroin - I had to. It was becoming a big problem and I didn't like where it was going. So I told them everything. They took it better than I expected, but overall not well at all. They were furious with me, I remember my mum saying "heroin was the one drug I told you never to try! Why did you try it?!" - I felt so ashamed. It's not like she was wrong, after all.
To combat the negative effects on my life heroin was having, I decided to go travelling for 6 months. I went all over Europe, and to India as well. This helped me get clean for a while and was one of the most euphoric parts of my life. I went overseas again at the age of 24, for another 6 months, this time to North America and Mexico. I loved every second of it. I used it again as a time to get clean.
​
At 25 I lost one of my closest friends, he died for a GHB and heroin overdose, stupid I know to mix those two drugs. This rocked me pretty hard, I hadn't really experienced death before this.
​
I started going to university and studied chemistry, which I loved, all while juggling a heroin addiction at the same time. I went well but not nearly as well as I could have. This time I decided to move to Berlin with a friend for 3 months to emirs myself in the dance culture there - I absolutely loved it. I also travelled through Europe the other 6 months, going from festival to festival. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I felt like the person I was when I was younger. It was magical.
​
Fast forward to 26. I went out one night to meet my housemate, and I met one of her friends as soon as I got out, I sat down next to her and the first thing she said to me was "I love downers". She had gotten my attention. We kept talking and she told me she had a husband but was polyamorous. I told her I had been in polyamorous relationships before. We hit it off real hard and we ended up spending the next 2 days together non stop. We pretty much instantly started dating each other.
She expressed her interest to try heroin. I told her I had some on me. At first she didn't believe me, but when we got back to my house I got it out for myself. She begged me to try a bit. I was very apprehensive about giving her some for obvious reasons. But I eventually gave in to her. We spent the next 2 days doing that and hanging out, getting to know each other. It was 'love at first meet', She fell in love with heroin as soon as she tried it too, and began using it regularly (not from me mind you, she had her own source somehow). A few weeks later, she told me she was going to shoot it up.
I told her how bad of an idea this was but she wouldn't listen to me. Her mind was made up. So we got together one night, she had already gotten all of the equipment she needed. So she shot up. This only perpetuated her addiction more, and she began to use more regularly, pretty much every day. A few weeks later I decided that I wanted to try shooting up, after watching her do it so much. So I did - she shot me up the first time as she already had gotten used to the technique. I was instantly hooked, and my use went through the roof.
My girlfriend had a bad habit of overdosing, so I always made sure I had narcan on us when we were using. I brought her out of an overdose probably 40 times, no joke, over the course of our relationship. I've never met anyone more careless with their life. I begged her to stop and said I would stop with her, but she wouldn't listen. This had a huge impact on me and left me traumatised. The amount of times I would be banging on her chest doing CPR while balancing my phone on my shoulder calling the ambulance... it was horrific. In retrospect I should've gotten out of there, I know it was toxic now looking back on it. But I was scared to leave her. I thought she'd die if I left her. I thought I could save her. How wrong I was.
​
Fast forward a few months, I was living with a different good friend at the time and his parents. I had just started to shoot cociane with my heroin, and where I live coke is really expensive. I was getting money off my parents and working as well as going to uni. While living here I had another very very close friend die, to suicide. One of our other friends had falsely accused him of raping her, because they had sex while they were both absolutely off their head drunk about a year before. This absolutely did not happen because me and all my friends were 2 meters away from them when they fucked, with both of them coming out to us to ask if it was okay to fuck each other. Not sure why they did this but they did. So while she was drunk, so was he, probably more so than her. They also used to date and were still hooking up after breaking up and still sleeping together at the time. It was absolutely tragic when he committed suicide, he was such a good man, full of positive and just values and the way he carried himself was so honest - that's why being accused of something as disgusting as rape, it just tore him apart - it was so anti what he stood for. I feel absolutely awful for him. As tragic as it was when he killed himself, I get it. If someone ever accused me of something like that I'd consider suicide too. (I would absolutely never fucking even consider being associated with someone who does something like that, let alone contemplating doing it. It's just rancid and fucked up. So I feel for him. I know he was the same.
Anyway, back to the house - my girlfriend had 3 overdoses at that house, and for two of them I had to call my friend in to the room to help me call the ambulance. He was horrified. Her next overdose there I had to call him into my rom for help - he was so pissed off he went and told his parents about it. They nearly kicked me out. I felt so ashamed after this that I started using even more. I eventually stopped paying rent. After getting 900$ in debt over rent I was kicked out of the house and had to move back in with my mum. While moving out I didn't pacvkc up my room - I was too strung out at the time, so I sent my dad to pack up my stuff. I had left all these needles all over my room, and my friend and his parents saw everything. They were horrified as they had no idea what I had really been up to. This. completely destroyed the friendship. Doing this is one of the biggest regrets of my life, I can't believe how fucking stupid I was to do this, and I miss my friend every day. We haven't talked since.
​
Being with this woman embodied me becoming so withdrawn and disconnected from everything that defined my life. It's not her fault, it's mine for letting it happen. Everything though, partying, recreational drugs. my friend family, my actual family, my studies, my happiness, my lust for life - everything.
​
I eventually moved in with another friend. I hadn't talked to this friend in about 6 months, and he messaged me to say he was looking for a room mate. This is just after I'd been kicked out of the other house. So I moved in with him. There was another overdose at this house. Well, many, but one where I had to cal my friend in. I felt so fucking ashamed again about what had happened - his dad had died of a heroin overdose so it must have been traumatic for him. After that he told me not to use in the house anymore, and that she wasn't welcome over anymore. Full of shame, but torn between my house and the woman I cared about, I eventually got deeper into my addiction and moved back into my mums house without officially moving out. I was too wrapped up in my addiction, so I sent my dad to pick up my stuff again. I feel so fucking bad about this too. So many regrets. Fucking hell.
​
I eventually moved in with my dad, where my partner was allowed to come over once a week. We would catch up every day though, I would go see her after she finished work and we would use heroin together, every day. All the meanwhile this was hidden from her husband. It all felt so fucked up. But I couldn't leave her or else she would die, That's what I thought.
​
Fast forward to July of last year - I had had enough. I got on Suboxone and stopped using completely. I was sick of the lifestyle, sick of being an addict, sick of lying to everyone in my life. I urged my partner to do the same, but she insisted she was fine on her own and didn't need to go on maintenance. So she told me she stopped. Unbeknownst to me, she hadn't stopped at all.
Around august last year, after many more overdoses, I went around to her house one day like we'd planned, but she wasn't there. I saw her car reversing when I pulled up, thought it was her, but it was her husband looking for her. We both didn't know where she was. I waited for hours for her, she'd never done this so but I thought she'd just blown me off. Her husband had to go back to work. Eventually I realised something was wrong, so I went looking for her. I found her car a block away from her dealers house, with no one inside. I knew something bad had happened. This was so unlike her. So I called every hospital in my city and eventually found her. She had been brought in by an ambulance - someone had found her overdosed in her car. I rushed to the hospital and messaged her husband to come clean with him about what had happened and about everything. After an hour they let me see her.
She had a breathing tube in and was in a coma. She had been sitting by herself for about 3 hours before someone walking past her car had found her and called the ambulance. I was distraught. It had finally happened. She had finally gone too far. Because I wasn't able to be around her family (minus her husband) due to them resenting me I had to go home before they got there. Instead I sat with her every single night she was in the hospital, all night. After 4 days they pulled the plug on her - she was an organ donor so they were trying to get everything organised for her to donate her organs. And that was the end of her. The end of us. I never talked to her again. The last thing she did between us was lie to me about going to buy heroin.
​
Now, about 7 months has passed, and Im passed the initial shock. I still miss her, I'm still clean - I resent heroin for taking her away from me. But I also resent her somewhat for how she died. I wish she had more value for her life. I wish she had more value for our love. But she didn't. I've come to terms with it now. But it still keeps me up at night.
​
I've been living well the last 7 months, am back at university, am playing soccer again, am reconnecting with friends and going to parties again, dancing again. I'm moving closer towards happiness. But it's a slow process. I guess I have to be patient. I've also been paying back debts, some 2 years old. I have every intention of paying back my rent that I didn't pay a few years ago. I paid back a friend $300 for some cocaine I got off him when I was living with my friend. I have no intention of going back on heroin. I still think about it occasionally, but I know it's not worth it. I still miss it here and there though. But what I've gained back is too great to allow myself to lose it again.
​
Thanks for reading my story. It's not as in depth as it could be, but maybe I'll write an extensive recount if this gets enough people wanting to hear more. Much love to everyone
​

Life. I'm really grateful for it, even though mine has been far from easy. I'm thankful for ME right now for one of the first times in my life. I know that sounds maybe selfish/self centered but I can confidently say that's just not who I am and that's why this feeling is so profound to me right now.
For context I had a pretty tough upbringing. Broken family, physical and emotional abuse, foster homes, PTSD diagnosed at a young age, the works. I know all too many children go through this so again this is just for context and not any kind of sympathy. I could never love myself, or even see myself as someone who matters to anyone including myself. I had a lot of issues with escapism by various means over the years. Be it through relationships, running from my problems, drugs/alcohol, etc. It's wild to me that I had so much self loathing and self destructive tendencies but have so much love and compassion for those around me. Maybe that goes hand in hand sometimes, I'm not sure. I'm the youngest of 4 and it seems like I have all the empathy my older siblings lack. They all became bitter people because of our past and can't have deep emotional conversations about really anything of substance.
Anyways yea so it's been a bumpy ride for me mostly. I went from being homeless, to rising up and getting a good job and stablising for 7 years, was in a serious relationship for 6 of those years, and then the end of 2022 things started to fall apart. I'll add that in this relationship I felt like the last half was incredibly one sided. I was the one trying to be there emotionally, support financially, all that good stuff but my feelings were often disregarded and disrespected. Back to the end of 2022, I held my grandma's hand while she died (the only time I've watched someone die, nevertheless the only person in my family who really showed me love) and shortly after I relapsed. When my ex found out, she left. Even though I promised to get clean immediately and hadn't caused any harm to our financial situation. I still own that I did it behind her back so it was wrong. - don't worry I promise this is leading somewhere positive by the end. If you made it this far congrats and thanks for reading - So when she left we had JUST signed a year lease in a new city because I was promoted at work. I could afford it on my own, but barely. I got on Suboxone and got clean for 7 months all the while heavily mourning that relationship and the disastrous fashion it ended in. Missed one appointment and got cut off, then relapsed again. Out of fear of the Suboxone withdrawal mostly and realizing that it didn't matter if I was clean, she wasn't coming back. Wound up losing my job the end of last year because of that relapse. So 2023 was just an elevator ride right to the bottom for me.
Here's where the good part comes.
Now, I'm pushing 3 months clean again without taking any meds. Haven't been drinking or smoking anymore either. I found another job really fast making barely less than I was making at my previous job. I've finally stopped mourning that relationship and have this new sense of self love and strength I never really felt before now. I've been telling myself I'm going to bounce back with a vengeance, and to just put my head down and do it. I'm happy with myself, who I am, how I conduct myself, and how I treat those around me. I know some of that previous stuff makes me sound like a scum bag drug user and I'm not that far removed from my last relapse but my mind and spirit feel free and happy in a way they never have before. I've been meditating a lot, usually in the morning or at night (or both), connecting with myself on a deep level, and recently had a pretty spiritual LSD trip by myself where I was able to let go of a lot of the things that were hurting me and weighting me down. I also fixed my credit that my ex played a big part in tanking so I'm stoked about that. She had me in the 500's after a couple years and now I'm pushing 700 again.
For the first time in my life I'm grateful for myself and to still be here on this earth. I just want to take in the moments and appreciate them while I'm here and just do the best I can and be the best I can. I feel like I can take on anything and just want to propel myself forward. I haven't even wanted to date or be in a relationship right now as I think this is all a sign that it's time to love myself and let whatever comes my way come my way.
Thanks for reading 🖤

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is u/throwaway970012390. He posted in AmItheAsshole, Advice, TrueOffMyChest and his own profile.
A reminder this sub has a 7 day waiting period, meaning the newest update is 7 days old.

Please read the trigger warnings and mood spoiler.

Trigger Warning: drug use; suicide attempt; addiction; misandry; infidelity; overdose; death
Mood Spoiler: genuinely fucking sad
Original Post: April 20, 2023
My wife is usually an angel of a woman, but has recently gotten into a friendship with a woman whom I personally believe is a bad influence on her, not in a patronizing way, more of a "lay down with dogs, get up with fleas" type of situation.
I never said anything about her childishness or her very radical misandry, because frankly it doesn't effect me.
Until it did. A few months ago my wife began pressuring me to do more around the house. Before I get an instant YTA. We already split chores and child care, admittedly, she had a bigger cut than I because she is a SAHM, but I do most of the cooking, breakfasts and Dinners, Lunch is her responsibility for her and the boys. I take out the garbage and I do laundry, and I deep clean the bathrooms once a week. I do also help with our boys homework and such.
She insists that I am not doing enough and that I should be doing more around the house. I tried having discussions with her asking what she expected from me (namely all chores and child rearing should be my duty it seems) and for months it seemed to be going no where. She used the D word more than once when speaking on this which felt manipulative.
It boiled over when we were out with friends one night, and she began talking about how I never helped out and how I use her as a house slave (her words). I will admit I saw red.
This next part is where I may be the asshole. I didn't say anything that night but the next day I asked my boss to be given reduced hours for the next little bit, due to stress.
And I took over everything in the house. I cooked Breakfast, and made lunch for the boys before I drove them to school, I cleaned the house top to bottom, I did every dish we had twice and so on. My wife was blindingly happy, and bragged to her friend that she finally had me "worn in".
She Didn't lift a finger for around a month. Then she began asking why we never went on dates anymore and Complaining that she wanted to get her nails done as they were growing in. I explained that I had to take that out of our budget so we could continue to afford everything else, but we could absolutely have a movie night in, and I could paint her nails for her. She was unhappy with that solution, So I asked her if she would want to get a part time job to pay for either luxury's. You would have thought I asked if she wanted to join a cult.
She then asked if I could Just pick up more shifts at work to cover her other expenses, and used the phrase "be a man". Which I found more than a little insulting. I then asked her if she would be willing to go back to splitting the chores and such? Which is when she began to catch on that the two were related.
She yelled at me that I was being a manipulative asshole for doing this and even claimed it was financial "a word". I stood strong for a while but now I am questioning my methods, because even I feel what I did was a bit underhanded. so AITA?
Relevant Comments:
Why are you still with her when she treats you like that?
"I love her. With everything I got. She’s an excellent mother, and honestly before she met this friend we were both blissfully happy to the best of my knowledge."
How did she suddenly notice that she wasn't getting her nails done or going out on dates? Did you block the credit card from everything but the grocery store?
"No, for one she has her own card, though we do only have one bank account. I set her nail and hair appointments, because she hates making phone calls, and she asked why I didn't take her out anymore. She could have spent from the card without saying anything I suppose but upon budgeting we would have been in trouble if 300+ was gone from a night out with friends."
More about his wife and their relationship:
"She had always wanted to be a SAHM before we got together, I try not to say this part because while her two boys are not mine biologically, they are my sons, but being a single mother was incredibly taxing for her, because working in the public was too much. I had a bit of experience with being a single father myself, I have a son of my own, but I was looking to advance my career, and was more than happy to take over the bills for a lessened load at home."
You're paying to raise another man's children:
"I do not like this comment. Those are my kids. No one else’s, and regardless of what happens with their mother ever, I hope those boys know that."
More about how things have changed:
"Oh god, I can tell you but it may be a bit mundane. When we first got married, she would give me shoulder and back massages everyday after work, and have my favorite music playing when I opened the door, even though she hates bluegrass. She would make my coffee while I was getting dressed. She made sure to pick up extra crunchy peanut butter from the store even though I’m the only person who likes it. We would have movie night twice a week with the kids and a date night to ourselves once a week. I have always had trouble sleeping, and I don’t want to take pills for it, so she always had the bed ready for me, a heating pad already turned on, and my pajamas on the bed. She would run her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep, and would wake me up herself instead of the alarm because she knew it put me in a better mood. None of which I asked for. She’s a good wife and wanted to because she knew that that’s what I liked, and she did it. She hasn’t done a 180, some of this is still true, af least it was until I cut down my hours, that was really when she stopped doing anything at all. And right now she’s pissed so I’m on the couch. Awake and regretful. Personally I think she’s stubborn. I don’t think she even really wants it. She just wants to prove that I would do it if she asks. She has a troubled history with men, and that’s why I tend to be forgiving when things do happen."
Troubled history with men?
"It’s not something I’m comfortable talking about. But believe me when I say. What happened, was not her fault."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: April 26, 2023 (6 days later)
Title: How do I (38M) explain to/help my sons to understand their mother (30F) is going to Rehab.
I have never been in a situation like this. I am a former addict myself, but I didn't have children then.
See my last post for more clarification, (editor's note- I tried several different engines and search tactics, but couldn't find any other "last post" besides the AITA one) but the gist of it is that my wife and I recently had a blowout argument where she admitted to using two substances for several months, and has agreed to get checked into rehab, which we are currently setting up now.
How the HELL do I bring this up to them, without them being judgmental or hateful to their mother? Or worse, falling into the same mental space I am in? I don't want to lie to them, which is what my wife wants, but I am failing to see an alternative that won't destroy them or the respect they have for their mother. I am swimming blind here, and I have barely slept since this all came out. Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Relevant Comments:
I think it depends. What was she taking?
"klonopin and adipex that she was buying from her friend. She also admitted to having tried coke and several other prescription narcotics, but those were the only two she did often."
Was this the friend that turned her on to radical misandry?
"Yes. Though it’s come to light that it wasn’t misandry she was being taught but flagrant drug usage. I have told her that she goes no contact with this friend or else she will be facing divorce along with everything else."
How old are the kids?
9, 12, and 14.
Update Post 2: April 30, 2023 (10 days from OG post)
Title: I Yelled at my wife
See my profile for details. But I was driving my wife to the rehabilitation center we decided on. On the way she was screaming at me. About how she can’t believe I’m humiliating her like this (explaining what was happening to the boys, and making her message her dealefriend that they would not be hanging out or using together anymore)
About how she doesn’t want to go, and that I am a controlling monster, and how threatening her with divorce and taking primary custody of the boys was too far and I was insane, and I just took it, and took it and took it, until I just couldn’t.
And I screamed at her. I screamed that the woman I met would have rather died than had a pillhead junkie around her sons, and how she disgusted me, and that I don’t know if she knew how much I was considering leaving her not because of the addiction but the way she was fucking acting, like she hadn’t brought drugs into our home. Around me, a former addict myself, and around OUR BOYS. That I am beginning to hate her for doing that. That she was becoming exactly what she always cried about her mother being, and that she was lucky I was here to see it before what happened to her happened to her goddamned sons.
It makes me sick to say but watching it sink in just how far she had spiraled felt good. Watching her realize that her actions have consequences was nice. She yelled a few more times, that I was an abusive asshole, or whatever, but she was still crying so I felt her heart wasn’t in it.
I plan on speaking to a lawyer. I don’t want to divorce her, but I don’t know how healthy our relationship could possibly be after this. I know yelling like that was wrong, but I don’t feel bad. And that is the part that makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t be married to her anymore. For her sake and my own.
I don’t know what else to do, and I’m so pissed that she detonated c-4 in every bit of our life.
Relevant Comments:
"I believe I’m going to have to divorce her. And it’s. Wrecking me. I don’t want to. I still love her, but I don’t know if I trust myself around her, and also not to use myself. I have been closer to relapsing this week than I ever have been."
Update Post 3: May 12, 2023 (12 days from last post, 3 weeks from first post)
Title: She was cheating
Before you read, please know this is a vent post. I normally would never be like this but I am beyond okay and need to get this poison out of my head before I go anywhere else with it.
She was fucking cheating. The drug dealing friend sent me fucking videos of her dancing and grinding on this ugly hick looking bastard.
I am goddamned destroyed. The boys are staying with my mother for a few days, and I’m taking the next week off work.
I am so done. I have never been so angry in my goddamned life.
She was so goddamned smug sending it, “in case you don’t realize you’re replaceable to her.” well the free ride stops here. I hope she can get on Medicaid for her suboxone LMFAO. I'm done.
I save the video immediately and I’m going to see a lawyer asap. I can’t tell anyone yet because I want to do this shit right.
Thankful as FUCK my parents insisted on a prenup with what I at the time thought was an inhumane cheating clause. Never been cheated on before and I feel like tearing my goddamned hair out. I genuinely never thought she would turn out to be such a scummy piece of shit. I can not handle this. I am not physically able to handle this. I haven't been able to keep food down and I drank for the first time in over a decade last night.
Then I woke up and had to pour the rest down the drain because I am about to spiral, and my boys don't need both mom and dad in rehab right now. I am so close to losing my goddamned mind.
Also, believe what you want, but stop sending me private messages about how I should take down the posts or that posting about my personal relationship with my wife is wrong- please. Leave me be it will not work. This is the only place I can talk about this shit.
Editor's note: OOP clarifies the kid situation/who is related to who
"Two of my three sons are stepsons, but I adopted them, (they never had a father due to their bio dad being an absolute piece of shit) My biological son is the youngest and was born to a girlfriend who is not in the picture and doesn’t want to be. My sons are 9, 12, and 14. She had two jobs when I met her, though though were both shit jobs, and I had been looking into finding her a better one. When it comes to the dealer, she was getting the drugs from her friend who is a woman, and a few of the men who she cheated with."
Update Post 4: July 19, 2023 (3 months from OG post)
Title: My Soon to be ex-wife is in the hospital after a suicide attempt, and I feel like a monster.
You can read my other posts for more context on what happened to get here, if you like, but the short of it is, I was blind to my wife’s addiction until she admitted it, and went to rehab, while she was in rehab, I was sent evidence that she had been cheating, often, and with more than one person.
I have been working on filing for divorce, while she’s in rehab, not just for the cheating, but because with that on top of everything else, and myself nearly sinking back into my own addiction due to the stress of the situation, I couldn’t stand to even think of her anymore, and there’s no healthy relationship that has room for that mind set.
I honestly didn’t want to be in a room with her again, to try mediation or counseling due to the fact that the last time I was alone with her I raised my voice, and at the time even felt she deserved it. (I of course now know that me doing that was terrible, and could be considered abuse, yet another reason I should not be in a relationship with this woman.)
I moved all of her belongings to our guest room, minus the pills I found hidden in her beside table. I took pictures of those in their hiding spot then flushed them.
I also removed her from my Bank account and credit cards.
I spoke to my boys, explaining the situation without demonizing their mother to the best of my ability, and they seemed to understand I have no intention of abandoning them, and blood or not, they were my sons.
Then she came home. The boys were, and still are away at camp, a birthday present paid for by my mother. She was quiet. Eyes on the ground after the moment I picked her up at the facility all the way home. Once we got home, I led her to the guest room silently, and she didn’t take it well, crying before she could even take the first step.
Throughout the next couple weeks, I let her get settled, and though I stayed carefully neutral, I know she could tell something was coming, but I wanted to do be as fair as possible, and try to let her get used to being out before I said anything, as that was one thing I myself hated about when I left rehab, everything was flying at me so fast, I didn’t have time to breathe.
Finally, I asked her to sit on the couch and I began explaining to her that I do not believe I can continue being married to her, and that I wanted divorce.
I should have known her reaction was all wrong, she didn’t say anything at all, she only nodded, and cried quietly as I spoke, I explained that I did not intend to hurt her, but I could not be married to her anymore, and that maybe both of us should focus on being the best parents we can be.
I told her I had no intentions of kicking her out, and that because of our prenup the divorce should be cut and dry, and she should be safe to begin looking for employment now, and once she has a job I will help her find an apartment.
At this, she stood and walked to her room. I let her, because I thought she must have been overwhelmed, and this talk could wait. She didn’t come out at dinner time, and I weighed whether I should leave her alone or not. Eventually, I decided to knock on the door, and ask if she was hungry.
Long story short. She had smuggled pills into my house somehow (or she had a stash I was unaware of), and had an overdose, and was dead for several minutes in the ambulance, and she’s in a medically induced coma, because the doctors aren’t sure exactly how much damage she’s done to her brain, from what they’ve said.
I feel like an absolute monster. Like I am the scum of the earth. Like I should have just said nothing. Like I should have just dealt with it. Just. Held it in, and stayed.
I am responsible for this and it kills me. I may not have the same love for her as I did, but I do feel so very sorry for everything she’s been through. It’s killing me. I haven’t told my sons yet, and I am debating waiting until they’re back from camp, so they can have a little more time without this on their minds on top of everything else.
I am sorry for the grammar and such, I don’t have the energy to edit this, but wanted to get this off my chest.
Relevant Comments:
Where's her family?
"Not my story to tell but she doesn’t have much family alive, and the ones who are she’s no contact with. She has other friends, but I don’t know which ones were enabling. They all know what’s going on, I messaged all her friends, except the dealer, though she knows now I know from messages she sent me. She hasn’t shown up to the hospital though, possibly because she thinks I would throw her out, which I would be tempted to do, to be entirely honest. A couple of her other friends visit all the time."
"Yes, she’s no contact with her mother ironically because of her mothers addiction, and bad treatment of her. The rest constantly insisted she should see her mother, and two times even took her boys to her mothers house without her permission"
One more clarification on the kids:
"Yes, because all of our children are from previous relationships. I have adopted the two eldest, who aren’t mine biologically."
Why he did it at that point:
"I wanted to do it while she’s in rehab, but my therapist told me to reconsider so I did. I was so angry when I found out about the cheating I wanted to take her belongings to her dealers house and leave them there, but I knew that was wrong. I knew that once my anger wore off I would regret it. So now all I want to get the divorce started and overwith as soon as possible, so that I can begin trying to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. On top of that? I didn’t want to lead her on, and I could tell that she knew something was coming because I can’t even stand her touching me anymore, it makes me physically ill. If I had known she was going to kill herself I could have closed my eyes and grit my teeth, and let her do whatever, but honestly even now, after what she did, I know that isn’t feasible for me. I still found myself wanting to start fights, to yell, and I know that I am not a strong enough person to be in a relationship with someone who hurt me that much, who disrespected me, my home, and my children that much, who took my own past experiences with drugs into account so little that she brought them into my home, directly under the nose of myself and my children (pun intended). This is as much kindness as I can afford to extend to her anymore for my own mental healths sake."
OOP's comments on July 24 (5 days later)
"Not awake yet, I took the advice of some of the commenters, and went to go get my boys, to see if they wanted to see their mother, I explained the situation to the best of my ability, age-appropriate, and asked if they wanted to see her, they all agreed to see her eventually, but the eldest only wanted to go to support his brothers. I'm concerned about the anger he is building towards his mother, and I do intend to talk to him about it, but I also don't want to tell him how to feel, or tell him that his feelings are bad and wrong, I was already working to get them into therapy, but I'm going to expedite that."
Cheating:
"There have been multiple pictures/videos of her dancing on/being inappropriate with men since that post. I haven’t blocked the friend because she sent me a large amount of proof of infidelity, for the divorce. And in that post the hick she was dancing on was a man, perhaps you are confused because her woman friend sent the video? Perhaps my wording was bad, I apologize. And yes. I do know that trauma is the gateway to addiction, as I am an addict and my own CSA from my uncle and general abuse from both my parents (we went to counseling during my rehab and our relationship is much better now, but growing up was very bad). I cant say I know what made her start using, but I can say I know she had a rough childhood and even worse teen years. Editing to add; regardless of sexual identity if I found out my wife was engaging in sexual acts with women I would also consider it cheating?"
"She was doing other sexually inappropriate things. But no, I didn't get any straight up sex tapes. I would rather not go into it further, but I think you can get my drift."
*****Final Update Post: February 13, 2024 (7 months later)****\*
Title: My Wife Is Dead
My wife is dead. I haven't updated in a while, and I'm sorry. But, I'm sure you can guess why I wasn't feeling up to it. I know that everyone said that she was manipulating me or trying to make me stay with her, but honestly, even if that was the case, it didn't matter, because the moment she woke up we both started crying, and talking, and we didn't stop for days.
She went back into rehab for a little while, came out and we did both Couples and solo therapy for both of us. She seemed happy. She seemed better, and I had hoped that the crazy was over, that we would just be happy again. I didn't update then because frankly, I was scared how everyone would react, I don't do well at getting yelled at. She promised me that if anything happened, if there was *anything* she needed to talk to me about she wouldn't hesitate.
Everything was going well, and now when I ask myself if there were signs she would go back or that she never stopped the answer is NO. Nothing except the fact that she had an overdose at her friend's house while I was working and died on her couch.
The friend didn't even want to call an ambulance, her boyfriend had to convince her to. I don't think either of them were arrested that day, but I know from the paper she was picked up a couple of months ago for selling. Everyone kept telling me to go to the police, and frankly, maybe I should have, but frankly, with the way the police act, it wouldn't do much good.
Since then, I have been drifting terribly. I took up smoking again, something I quit before I got married because she hated the smell. I hate it now too, the smell, I mean, but the hand-to-mouth is nice. My sons are in therapy and are taking the loss as well as they could be expected to. The younger two talk about her a lot, but the eldest is mostly angry. I'm thankful he doesn't seem to want to say things to his brothers about it, but I always let him tell me anything he's thinking, even when it breaks my heart. I know that maybe everyone here has an idea of who my wife was, but one thing that you could never deny was how much she loved our boys. They were her pride and joy, absolutely everything to her.
I miss her. I miss her so much it feels like a death rattle to breathe. There's never music when I get home anymore and I hate it. I hate the quiet so much that some days before I go inside I sit in the car and just cry because I know she won't be there. I haven't even been able to clean out her side of the bathroom yet, it hurts too much to think about getting rid of her perfume, or her toothbrush.
I haven't felt like writing for obvious reasons but there's something that feels important now so I will. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. On the way home from work recently, I caught myself calculating flower prices, before I remembered that I have no one to give them to unless I put them on her grave. I remember being pissed off at how expensive roses were getting, and now that seems so silly. I just wanted to say, if you have someone you love, please cherish them. Do something extra nice for the person you love tomorrow, for my sake.
Nothing crazy, but maybe you can dance around the living room to your song, or read to each other? Something soft, or good, to let them know you're real, and really, really there. I know that's so cliche and corny and if Alex were here now she would actively bully me, haha. But sadly, the old bastards were always right. Life *is* short.
Isn't that a kick in the ass?
Relevant Comments:
Smoking:
I know I should quit smoking, I don't do it in the house, because the smell really does make me sick after a while. I only really do it at night, or in the early mornings. I'm considering getting one of those "flavored air" ones that are going around, with no smoke or whatever, so I can keep the hand-to-mouth thing, which I like a lot, and missed. Not the best compromise, but it's something.
Try widow support on reddit:
I might, honestly, thank you. Any kind of emotional support right now is gonna be welcome. It's hard for me to be emotional around my boys because I hate to make them feel like they're ever in a position where *they* need to take care of *me*, (Poor kids have been through enough without me losing it) but I've been such a mess that they've caught me crying in my car more often than I'd like. Not to imply that I refuse to cry around them at all, just. I hate them seeing exactly how much of a wreck I am.
Are you in therapy?
I'm in therapy, but it's a long process, especially considering I'm a former addict myself. The entire situation has aged me a decade in a year.
As someone who's dad went through similar shit: cry in front of them. It's ok.
I can try. It just always makes me feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I always just think to myself "What are you doing? You're meant to be taking care of them, not the other way around." I hate to think that they ever feel the need to walk on eggshells around me because I'm too much of a wreck to handle something. I know that's a bad answer, but it's true. It just always comes around to the face that those are my boys and I am their dad. I am supposed to be stronger than this for them. And I don't mean to imply that crying is weak or wrong, I just don't know how to turn "Its okay to cry," into "It's okay *for me* to cry" in my head. Then of course I mostly mean now, after everything. At the funeral, there was no helping it, and for the first few days after that I was such a mess my parents came to stay with us because they were concerned I wasn't sleeping.
This exchange (OOP and the commenter who wrote the above statement about crying:)
Commenter: Yeah. You can’t help your feelings. But I am sure your little dude has feelings and when he sees you not exhibiting those same feelings he may think that those feelings are wrong. But that could be my own baggage.
Do what you need to for yourself my dude. But that just stood out to me.
OOP: Thank you, genuinely. I will keep that in mind. I hadn't fully considered that, if I'm being honest, but I can work on it.
One last thought from OOP:
Not defending her is so hard for me, but that was the first thing my therapist told me, when I asked about my sons. That defending her to them wasn't going to help, and that all I could do was let them talk.
My eldest is the only one who really rages about it, but the younger two will eventually, I'm sure. I am also angry, in this helpless kind of way that hurts so bad I can't stand to think about it, because if she had just *talked to me* I could have helped her, and she would still be here. I am a former addict myself, and I know I made so many mistakes with my wife, but I swear it was like everything was so good again. We slept in the same bed again, and had dates. Everything in my mind just wants to scream and beg to know why she would do this and I can't.
I hate it so much because I tried so very hard not to love her anymore when she was alive, and it didn't work then. I don't see myself doing any better now that she's gone. And it hurts even worse because when other people are mad, or say negative things *I still* want to defend her, to explain every little reason she had, and why it wasn't all her fault but in the end it doesn't even matter if I do because she is gone. She won't be here to reap the benefits of that defense, or even to care that I changed minds. She won't be here to be respected, or disrespected. It feels pointless, but I *still* want to and it makes me feel like a fucking moron.
Editor's note:
Most comments have been fine- thanks for that.
But Jesus Christ some of you need to remember to keep it civil in the comments. OOP may read these, but beyond that I FUCKING READ THESE as do many others. No need to be fucking rejoicing that a woman is dead or telling him he's an idiot or deserved this for having an addiction previously. Or that addicts are the scum of the earth and deserve death. Wtf is wrong with you? And some of those comments are fucking upvoted?

I mean my loved ones.. Based on my psychotic symptoms they could all read my mind as if I‘m a cyborg.. Now for a second I‘ve read thats mania in my book. Because I was like I‘m getting 5mg meth for my adhd before i was diagnosed.. How I was walking out of the psych ward hypomanic off Quetiapine.. Sorry I don‘t have the cognitive abilities to explain myself so I keep posting the same things trying to get my point across.. They‘ve read my mind since the beginning so that makes some sense.. Yes I can see the SSRI made me a bit manic maybe? Because I was consistently smoking a lot of weed and I lost friends on them (anhedonia hit pretty bad though, it seems like thats when I got put on mood stabilizers) But man that mood stabilizer and norepinephrine blocking action made methylphenidate still feel off like it’s not fully there but maybe thats my ocd talking….
Wait I need psychotherapy.. It looks like I‘m just trying to get my fix and am just addicted to euphoria and mania or whatever.. but no im asperger sorry im very sensitive to psychoactive substances.. I think I need some valproate im treatment resistant cant sleep and my thoughts are racing.. It‘s important to stay on top of my thoughts and get insight into illness.
Sorry the post is basically a sticky note to keep track of my thoughts.. I‘m a pretty obsessive type of person with drugs and pharmacology as my special interest
I just have to remember all the details.. it seems to make sense but its psychosis for sure.
But all those memories it’s so damn convincing!
I just remember the times I was in the psych ward.. There was a note on the table (I dissociate pretty bad from my ADHD or something) Treatment-Resistant-Schizophrenia (Clotiapine) due to my obsessive psychotic thoughts that I thought I had brain injuries or something serious.. He took me seriously and said Concerta is the only option for me for my ADHD since it‘s slow release so less of a high (im very sensitive to substances).. Sorry I was just so upset about the whole Dopamine Blockage from antipsychotics and stuff like Vyvanse just felt more clean and less like an upper like methylphenidate and I remember that almost vividly.. And MDMA still got my heart and it just felt right on the afterglow..
I used to be on Vyvanse and it worked pretty well with an SSRI when I tried it once at 30mg.. But then later on I got a tolerance and it didn’t work as well anymore with the mood stabilizers so I seemed to have a tolerance and at one point not remember feeling the same.. I feel like a higher dose would have been necessary at that time as I seem to metabolize it pretty fast and came down after 6-8 hours (thats why I stupidly asked for Vyvanse 2x a day and of course I was also drug seeking.. Tried to fake an opioid addiction so that I could get prescribed Suboxone (I wanted to Self-medicate my depression and anxiety with it as I had great results with a low dose of Oxymorphone..)
I just remeber that one psych patient that tried to help me.. She gave me a nice paper about psychosis and OCD… Clomipramine and Risperidone was on the paper.. I would for sure take Risperidone as a monotherapy for psychosis but my plans are to at least try Clomipramine bridge the time with that and Concerta until I can get off tje other depot medications maybe someday.. That patient told me I‘m the chemist..
I might try to search an apprenticeship as a pharmacist (not my passion but special interest) until I get my creativity back (antipsychotics mood stabilizers and Naloxone killed it) and become a Mediamatiker. I always dreamed of becoming a film maker or working in the creative industry.. People always told me I‘m a great artist..
But after all how in the world would it be possible that so many people could read my thoughts.. And that was all while on Antipsychotics.. Just not Clotiapine (for treatment-resistant-psychosis) and Valproate (read on wikipedia its also for resistant psychosis)
Remeber that internet page I‘ve seen. I was on Risperidone and they said I was excessively tired.. I much prefer that state I had back then (less akathisia) but my anxiety was worse.. Then they called adding Modafinil to Haldol and Latuda - Abilify (as if I would get that partial agonism of the dopamine receptors, explaining that I simply have an excess amount of dopamine (but with ADHD it’s said that there is a deficiency) I felt attacked because the pain that comes with my ADHD can feel severe at times.
My mothers parents were both psychiatrists.. Maybe I‘m some kind of cyborg subject of clinical studies or something? Nah I almost believed it for a second.. But yeah definitely schizotypal but truly psychotic? Ill forget it tomorrow again.
Stockhornstrasse Nummer 1
I Am Number One.. (thats what my stepmother said)
Somehow it makes sense but I have to remember I‘m not the only one..
Maybe I‘ve got the mentally ill gene or something and they wanna stuey that shit..
But no I guess I‘m schizotypal.. No truly schizohrenic probably?
Haha I remmeber that truly psychotic episode! I‘m not ripe enough for Julie (Had a crush on her and thought I had to make a baby) but I‘m gay…
So I‘m manic but I‘m laughing and crying at the same time.
I will always add Valproate to my drugs when ill try substances carefully .. Just kidding only soft drugs and meds…
I have pretty bad hearing somehow so that might cause some paranoia to increase when I try to hear what they say..
Dann crying almost felt good at least it’s something! but then I felt numb again
I once thought my dead stepmother was still alive from cancer but her tumor grew so big it was inoperable.. She‘s looking over me and others might too Luginbühl..
But somehow I‘m crying because I feel better.. But I‘m happy I‘ll go to the psych ward again soon. Even if they probably won’t help.. The psychosis gives me some hope.. My old psychiatrist told my sister she should go to Münsingen and I thought she was meaning me.
Haha now I‘m numb and a little anxious again
5:30 AM no sleep psychotic thoughts if they can block self-awareness in the brain sometimes then they might do the same with loved ones.. They get a chip or something? Just a theory.

You allowed your life to fall apart, and you punished me for everything that went wrong every step of the way. I had been telling you for years that my needs were not being met. I had been telling you for years that I felt unheard. I had been telling you for years that I felt like you didn’t love me anymore, but you always told me it was all in my head. You always told me I was making things up. You guilt tripped me and gaslit me into giving you everything I had and more. I paid your bills while you were off doing fentanyl and lying about your paychecks. I didn’t even care about the drugs. I never did. I just couldn’t take your lies. Your constant warping of reality to fit whatever narrative suited you.
You emotionally tortured me almost every day, but any time I would try to talk to you about it you would say I was being mean. Anytime I would try to resist your lies because I could prove you were lying, you would tell me I was cruel. I told you how much it hurts that I can’t rely on you and you told me I’m abusive for calling you unreliable. You took back every nice thing you ever said. I can’t trust people who are nice to me now. Nice words are just lies. You taught me that.
You forgot every good thing I did for you. None of it was worth it. Part of the joy of loving someone and doing them a kindness is seeing their happiness and appreciation. You never showed appreciation. Your happiness never lasted. You would forget within a day and suddenly I’m the bad partner who “never does anything nice” and is “always angry”. You would accuse me of being angry if I was just sitting quietly and reading. I couldn’t even keep to myself because that was somehow wrong.
I don’t think you understand how profoundly generous it is to stay by someone’s side while they go through recovery. How stupidly generous it is to offer to cover someone’s share of the bills until they land a job that makes them happy. You took advantage of me. You spent months languishing and didn’t even start doing gig work until another man chastised you for contributing nothing other than rides to work at your convenience. A ride to work is a 4-mile trip. Supporting another adult doubles all of my expenses. The two are not the same. You forgot how much car maintenance and gas I paid for in addition to your rent, doctors visits, and prescriptions.
You told me your suboxone was killing your sex drive and asked me not to proposition you so much because it made you feel bad to reject me. I respected that and took a step back and waited for you to proposition me. You only ever did if you had been drinking, and never when you were drinking with me. You would come home late stinking of cheap beer and wake me up for sex. You would leave your filthy clothes and putrid socks all over our room and you would blow off our dates but then you decided it was my fault our sex life started to decline. I tried. I took the blame for it like I always did. So I tried making an effort. I bought us toys and tried again to spice things up. Multiple times. But you forgot so in your mind they didn’t happen. In the past year, you have propositioned me twice. Both times you interrupted me mid-sentence to do so. Because being cut off when I’m trying to talk to you is so sexy.
You have been holding it over my head that I don’t hug you enough. You know it takes two people to hug right? You would come home every day, go straight to the bathroom, and you stayed in there for ages. Was I supposed to stop you? Was I supposed to wait outside the bathroom to hug you when you came out? I’ve never refused a hug from you. I hugged you every morning before work, you were just half asleep. I’ve never refused affection from you. You’re the one who stopped cuddling me. You stopped sitting next to me on the couch. You’re the one who stopped wanting to spend time together. You stopped initiating conversations. I told you a year ago that I felt I was doing an unfair amount of the work and that I needed you to be more affectionate with me. I told you I was going to take a step back from making an effort so that you could take the lead. You never did. You would say absolutely cruel things and make me think you hate me and then you wanted me to approach you for a hug? You wanted me to want to fuck you? Why didn’t you ever try being affectionate with me so that I know it’s ok to touch you? How was I supposed to know I wasn’t going to get yelled at when you would never apologize for blowing up or tell me you’re done being angry? Instead you would act like nothing happened. It was beyond unsettling. Why do you think you’re entitled to touching me in the first place? Maybe sometimes I don’t want to be hugged. That’s not an insult to you. That’s me deciding when I want to be hugged. Because it’s my fucking body.
Do you really not remember the entire month I tried hugging you every time I saw you and tried saying something nice every day? Actually I know you don’t. You were on a bender during that time. You know what ended that? You ruined my birthday. Granted, I know you don’t see it that way because I didn’t find out you ruined my birthday until two days later when I caught you smoking fentanyl in our bathroom and you blamed me for it. But yeah. You ruined my birthday and that ended my month long streak of trying to be better in the way you wanted while getting nothing in return.
Because I’m pathetic and codependent I didn’t leave you then. Or any of the other times I should have. Like when you stole from me. But by my next birthday I was finally living alone. Finally single. It hurt to be alone, but I’m glad I didn’t spend it hearing more of your lies. You distort reality and twist my words. You refuse to listen to me. You lie to yourself so much that you refuse to believe me when I tell you how your actions affect me.
You told me after I left you that you pushed me into it. Why didn’t you just leave me? Or admit you didn’t love me anymore all of those times I asked? How can you have any respect for yourself knowing you were intentionally so awful I had no choice other than to leave you? You spent years convincing me things would get better once you had completed your recovery. You spent a year telling me we could go to counseling together but never made the time to do it. What was the point in that? You told me we could get married once you had felt like the drugs were far enough behind you. Why couldn’t you just be honest about the fact that you aren’t anywhere close to stopping for good? You admitted your drug counselor is useless back in 2019 and you still see her today. You haven’t been sober for longer than a month in years. You tried to convince me things were getting better and that I was the one with a problem for not seeing it.
I will no longer allow myself to be in the position to be lied to by you, but I still hope you stop lying to yourself. Every day I mourn the loss of the future we wanted to build together. Every day I struggle with the loneliness and the shame of letting myself deal with that for so long. Every day I’m angry that we still share time with our dog so I have to deal with seeing when your drug dealer is around. Every day I deal with the anxiety of wondering if you’re going to decide to not give him back. I think I would completely lose my will to live if you did that. But every day I’m glad I finally left you.

Hi all. First of all thanks in advance for reading this.
I’m F51, living in FL. My dad passed yesterday. He had cancer, he lived in TX with my mom. I have two sisters, older half sis 61, she’s married to a millionaire hotelier, they have a daughter who is a new lawyer, graduated from Chicago law last year. Little sister 5 years younger, married to a closet gay drunk, volatile relationship, lives in my parents gated community. Little sister is a heroin addict on a suboxone plan, major liar and manipulator. They have a son who’s 6 years old. My sister has never worked, my parents have paid for everything her whole life. Suboxone, lawyers, cars, clothes, groceries, stuff for her kid, they even bought my BIL a tire business. Me? Nothing. And I’m the sober one.
My dad passed from his cancer late yesterday morning. The night before my sister called me out of the blue, hadn’t heard anything in months from her about dad, telling me he’s actively dying. “The hospice nurse seems to think he’s waiting for someone and asked if there were any other siblings. So I called you. You wanna say something to him? DAAAAAAD. DAAAAAADDDYYYYYY. It’s OP on the phone. SHE WANTS TO TALK YO YOU.” I was minding my business washing dishes when my husband, a 35 year paramedic and fireman and 37 year Navy Chief retired came to hand me the phone, his hand was shaking. “It’s your sister. You better take this.”
Why am I telling you all this? You must know the details to be able to give me good advice. I need to know how far I can take this.
I’m also an addict/alcoholic. I got sober, REALLY sober, in 2006. I was a crack user and my son went to foster care for a year. He has trauma. I carried on as a single mother trying to help a child with trauma and genetic mental health issues for YEARS on a single parent salary. I married a guy who relapsed and stole a lot from me. Divorced. Never got A DIME OF HELP from my family. My mom bought me ONE college textbook in nursing school. I got a 4.0 gpa and never got to clinicals thanks to my drug addict husband. I got injured in 2012 and my little sister told my parents I was “on drugs “ because I was seeing pain management. They believe everything she says. I have no criminal history other than a DUI IN 1998. My sister has made it her mission in life to make me look like a terrible person to my parents, and I don’t know why. I’ve always helped her when she needed it, and I had barely two nickels to rub together most times. And always single parent, most times on food stamps.
My little sister can do no wrong in their eyes. She hung the fucking moon. They buy her a new SUV every so often so she can disappear and go bang heroin. After she married her gay husband and popped out a kid (on suboxone) she hasn’t ghosted anyone, instead she bought drugs with her kid in the car and did them around him. All the while my OLDER sister thinks SHE is the sober one and believes what my little sister is telling her that IM the one that’s fucked up.
My older sister is my abuser. And my mom. My husband has witnessed this all first hand and has even been victim to it himself. One Christmas we were visiting Texas from Florida and my mom asked us to “leave tomorrow” on the 25th because “they’re coming in the morning to install new tile floors and you’ll be in the way.” She apparently didn’t like that I found out that she had bought my BIL a business and the guilt was too much for her and she wanted us gone. My older sister when I was two years old would call me fat and sing the fatty fatty two by four song to me until I cried every morning while she was getting ready for school in her majorette uniform. To a TWO YEAR OLD. She always looked like a supermodel and went out of her way on a daily basis to remind me that I didn’t. That was just some of the milder things she did.
My older sister also always told other family that I wasn’t sober, despite me offering 100’s of references from AA members that I was. She didn’t want to hear that, it went against her narrative. After I left my husband who stole everything for drugs, a single parent again, I sold my business I built from nothing and cut my losses and moved away. I had a unique opportunity to buy a house and I had $15k from my business to buy it. But because of student loan debt I couldn’t get the loan, debt to income ratio was not there. I asked her for a co-sign, my mortgage would have been under $400 a month for this tiny house, but I wouldn’t have to worry about escalating rents ever again. Her response on the phone when I asked her for help? “What do you want me to do OP, GIVE YOU A JOB?” Thats literally what she said. I had a fucking job.
Now you have SOME of the back story. There’s so much worse. Like my little sister smoking crack in my house while I slept and was like 3 weeks sober out of treatment. But we’ll save that for another time.
So my dad dies of cancer. I knew he was “gone” because my brother in law posted his jeep and his golf cart for sale on FB marketplace literally before my dad’s body got cold. So he’s taking my dad’s new truck and my dad’s $60k golf cart. I just knew. Because that’s who they are and that’s how they operate. My little sister was the only one taking my dad to chemo and getting his meds, etc. I can GUARANTEE that any pain med he had she has either taken already or taken possession of. This means she will want more and my mother has dementia and hundreds of thousands of dollars in gold and diamonds. SHE WILL PAWN OR SELL THAT JEWELRY FOR DRUGS. My dad was very well off. They were not poor people. I wonder who is wearing his presidential Rolex right now.
Also, my parents house is market value almost 400k, my sister and brother and law and kid will move into her house and sell their POS 100k house and give my mom shitty care, no memory care like she needs, and then squat the house out from under her after she signs the house to them under dementia thinking.
What can I do? I was estranged from my parents since 2018 because I had had enough abuse. But my sister is going to lie, manipulate, and steal everything. If my dad left me anything and put it in writing I will never see it. My BIL’s urgency to take possession of his truck and golf cart makes me think he may have wanted me to have them. My mother would even go against my dad’s written wishes and give that asshole his truck.
Should I take guardianship over my mom? She has the resources RIGHT NOW to be well taken care of if my sister doesn’t start selling it all and take over her house. FYI we are triple pensioners, our retirement 401k will be about 750k and 12k a month in three years so we don’t need the money. It just pisses me off.
One more thing. If I start lawyering up and fight for my mom my abusive older sister will lawyer up and intervene just so I don’t win and then hand it all back to my little sister because she hates my mom. She’s too busy drinking white zin in Telluride she wants nothing to do with taking care of my mom.
What are my options? My sister is a convicted federal criminal (mail fraud and bank wire fraud) and a drug addict. She’s going to take everything and neglect my mother.

I have been purchasing kratom caps locally at a smoke shop off and on for 3 years. I have had some success. But I needed a guaranteed result since I am quitting suboxone. So I ordered a sample pack from a trusted online vendor. I will happily edit to include their name if allowed. I ordered Wednesday and it arrived Friday. I paid for priority shipping. The product is excellent.
I took 2 red Bali last night and gave myself the wobbles, sadly. I had to cancel my plans. I've often heard of this but never had a personal experience. I just went to bed. From now on, I will only take one cap at a time. The local stuff I was getting I could take 2-4 caps and probably up to 8-10 a day. This is not that.
In this sample pack I have some red, green and white. I have an event today at 1p and a planned night out with friends. I took my 1/4 of the suboxone strip to get thru the day. Tomorrow morning I will start with one red capsule and see how I feel throughout the day if I need more or not. I have been taking 4mg of suboxone (half of a strip) a day for a little over a year. I am a recovering addict and had a relapse after 10 years of being clean so I used suboxone to get my shit together but ended up paying for it "off market" and now my financial situation is bleak!
Is there a difference in strain strength of any color? Like, is Borneo going to give different results than Bali? If anyone has any tips or suggestions on what works for you, I would appreciate your help. I just want to be off pills and suboxone. I need to operate at 110% at work. I am in sales, which requires me to be fully present and focused mentally. It's really hard to make money at your job when you're falling asleep at your desk, yawning, eyes watering and sweating. Hell, it's hard to do anything 😪
Thanks. Have a great weekend. Wish me luck!

I'm 26 and have been struggling with addiction since I was 14 years old. It started with smoking pot and drinking and escalated over the years. By the time I was in my 20s a full blow alcohol/ opiate addict. I'm the last 5 years I've been to rehab 4 times and sobered up but everytime I get out of rehab I get confronted with the heartbreak and stresses of this life. My family split when I was 14 and since then I never get to see any of them. We were a really close family that loved each other but after my parents split we all started growing apart. I weep sometimes when I think about my brother's and the fact that they're also struggling. I miss them alot. My dad became an angry drunk after the divorce which was a totally different side of him I never knew before. Eventually his anger got the best of him. I'm so heartbroken over a bunch of things and the drugs help me dry my tears and even sleep without having to feel this burn in my chest. I can't keep a job or a woman or even friends because of my addiction. I want to get off so bad but the withdrawal from fentanyl is unbearable. All rehabs do is slap you on Suboxone and other meds. I wish God would just take the withdrawal away and give me a fresh start. When I'm withdrawaling and I'm miserable a jittery and my body's on fire I beg God to heal me and never get anything back. Maybe he wants me to try harder or maybe he just doesn't make it easy like that and I'm expecting to much. I'm at my wits end. Everyone I love is in a bad place in life it seems and I'm sick of all the hard times and sadness that never ends. I so desperately just wanna be sober and happy and spend time with my family and have some normalcy. Please pray for me. I'm getting tired of living in this body I'm in. I'm tired of this world and life in general. I wanna be close to God but I'm starting to lose my drive and motivation.

First Reddit post, so sorry if I make any mistakes. It’s gonna be long, but I’m begging, please read.
First let me say, I’m very ashamed of what I’ve done to myself. My childhood was not easy and I did not care to live life at all because I was so miserable and depressed. I use to pray for death because I hated my life so much. My parents were both addicts and by the time I was 18 I also became an addict.
Today I am 24(F), I am a recovered, or recovering, IV drug user. My DOC was heroin, but I have IVed many other drugs, including suboxone and subutex. In fact, I’d say majority of the shots I’ve done have been subs. I started using heroin in 2017, and completely quit in 2019. With that being said, even though I had quit the heroin, I had a prescription for suboxone (and later subutex), and I IVd both for years after. I didn’t fully cut it out til late 2020/ early 2021. Only after contracting hepC (still untreated). And then even still I’d occasionally indulge. I still take subutex today, the correct way mostly. I also have smoked cigarettes starting at the same exact time I started using heroin in 2017. Since 2018 I’ve smoked 1 pack a day.. and then in 2020 I went up to 2 and it’s still at 2 packs. I drink a crap ton of caffeinated beverages, hardly any water. Over the last 10 years I barely would eat to the point of passing out. I’ve treated my body like crap and it shows. The only thing that I’ve done in my life that is healthy is run. Since I was very young, my favorite hobby was to go running with my iPod. I’d run for hours and hours. And I only quit running within the last 3 years because I got pregnant.
I met my s/o in 2021 and it was a whirlwind romance if you had ever heard of one, I got pregnant after 6 months and we’ve been together ever since. The issue is, I had only recently cut out the needle completely because of my health, which had rapidly declined. I was okay mostly.. but When I had my baby, it was like every health issue I had increased by 1000. My veins have always been crappy, but now if I go to the DR they can only draw blood through my neck. My hands and feet are purple. I have tiny blood vessels popping out all over my body. My hands swell up every morning when I wake up, and my feet constantly fall asleep at night to the point I get scared when I wake up because I can’t feel anything. As horrible and painful as that is, I’ve been experiencing something new that’s much scarier..
Basically I feel like I’m dying. The last few months I’ve had these moments where my heart has felt like it has stopped beating for an extended period of time. I can remember having a handful of random heart murmurs in my life before I started using drugs, they lasted maybe a half a second and didn’t worry me at all. This is similar to the feeling of a heart murmur, but it is much worse.. the feeling will last several seconds at a time. It feels like my body is completely shutting down in those moments and my heart will start beating sporadically. It takes several minutes for me to feel normal again.
Had I started feeling like this 4 years ago, I would’ve not been afraid at all.. today I have a man that loves me, and a son that needs me.. I do not want to leave them. I am terrified of leaving them alone on this earth without me.
I plan on calling a doctor tomorrow, but I really need some words of wisdom. What can this heart issue be? Is there any treating it? Is there any treatment for the bad circulation? Is it related to the hepC? PLEASE HELP!!!!

Its hard to talk about the situation to others, so I dont, but I have some trusted supports who I am not isolating from. Some have offered for me and the kids to temporarily live with them until the situation passes. WHY HAVE YOU NOT DONE THAT you ask? Unfortunately, when you have lived in this type of madness since birth, it becomes the normal. I have a hypervigilant read on the situation. Due to me working from home and needing my setup there, and needing to be in close proximity to the kids school, I am staying put for now. I am also stubborn as hell. I will bounce at the first sign of escalation or if I suspect he is impaired. I have a bag ready.
This story is less about addiction, and more about the underlying narcissism, which has revealed itself and shattered my hopes for a happy ending, ever, in 2022. I tried one more go around in 2023, blaming myself for the way the break-up went and committing to give my kids a happy two-parent-home, and sadly I was wrong. Instead I saw what I needed to see to get out for good. The drugs use is only the tip of the iceberg.
I want to be real clear about how I feel about addiction, which is to "Love the addict, hate the disease". Addiction is demonic possession in manmade chemical form. It is a brain hijacked by chemical terrorists. It is tragic and traumatizing to the addicted person and to everyone around them. I know this because I experienced this, and caused that pain. I was raised by people who inflicted that pain on to me. I fight like hell to spare my children this pain. In February it will be 10 years since I found recovery. We do recover. I see it happen every day in my world. I also see people die young from addiction, ever day. My continued existence is humbling because there is no difference between me and the person who is still using, between me and the person who caught a felony, between me and the person who is refusing treatment. In a heartbeat, I could be on the other side, if I lose sight of sobriety. But even sober, I can be a real selfish, avoidant, dishonest, people pleasing, caught up in my feelings, paranoid ADHD PTSD nutjob. That's the girl behind the substances. Hi its me, I'm sober now and I have only begun to peel back the layers of just how fucked up my psyche is.
How I feel about addiction is that anyone can recover. They must be willing to get to-the-core honest, they must learn to cope and regulate emotions, triggers, and cravings without resorting to toxic substances, they must make amends and take accountability, they must commit to a new way of living via a set of moral/spiritual principles, and they must establish meaningful connections, whether it be family, treatment facility, 12 step program, therapy animal, therapist, doctor, gas station attendant, friends, coworkers, church, etc. And they must get treatment, of some kind. They may need medications. They are probably self-medicating something that legitimately does need addressed by therapy and medication: PTSD, bipolar, ADHD, depression, anxiety. There are treatment programs out there do indeed carry a message that can profoundly re-arrange a person's ego and transform the person's personality and beliefs. But if an addict ever casts that message to the side, they will ALWAYS experience, either gradually or immediately, a return of the diseased psyche and eventually, a return to use.
Some of the details:
We have been in a relationship since 2015.
We have two kids together ages 4 and 7.
We are not married.
We started our relationship while we were both in a treatment program, which is STRONGLY NOT RECOMMENDED
I got pregnant the first time we slept together, a few months after we met.
I own the trailer and he is not on the lease. He is a felon and cannot be on the lease.
The first 5 years together were not a traditional love story but I was joyful, happy, content, grateful, and could never have believed that it would end this way.
He started using again somewhere around 2022. He has never admitted or got honest about what happened. I have proof though. When confronted with the truth he kicked off 1 year of unprecidented hell. I had no idea what I was getting myself into going to war with a covert narcissist. I didnt know anything about custody or restraining orders or eviction notices. He terrified me and gaslighted me to the point of surrender. He got clean. One vulnerable night, I told him I needed him. And fully knowing it was a terrible idea, I let him come back home in July 2023.
On 12/20/23 I caught the first thought that he might be impaired. I doubted, agonized, and role played over and over how to approach it, with the trauma of last year boiling through me. I avoided it until after Christmas was over. Christmas was fine. The kids knew nothing different. He played his role as father and partner pretty well. He is a functional addict, until he is not. On the night of 12/25, after putting the kids to bed, I asked him for a drug screen or leave. He should have gone to treatment, to get medical care and help, for a very serious fucking problem. He refused to test, disappeared for a few days, then showed back up, pissed meth/suboxen/adderall/THC positive urine into a cup, told me he was done with drugs, and refused to leave. I told him to go take a nap, he was being loud with the kids home. He slept for 3 straight days. He went through withdrawals at the house. I told the kids he had COVID and we spent a lot of time at friends houses. I gave him the ultimatum "Go to treatment or get out" over and over. He made suicidal threats. He told me he hated me and I was evil. He told me to get the fuck away from him or he would freak out. He told me he didn't need treatment. At one point with the kids present he screamed that he was on drugs. I went no contact for a few days but returned home because I need access to my home for my kids and I to function. I told him if there were problems I would call the police. He told me there would be no problems and he went to an NA meeting. On 1/4 he proudly gave me a "clean" urine screen (positive only for suboxone and marijuana). I watched and waited- he did not seek help, support, honesty, or make amends in any way. On 1/7 he popped off angry out of nowhere while my me my brother and kids were all at the trailer. He said he was leaving then slept outside in his car. On 1/8 I served him the 30 day eviction notice. He called me crazy and belittled my career and blamed me for "the kids wont have a father anymore". I cried in hiding for days until I went numb. He thought he won that so he was smug and quietly mean for awhile. Now he is sitting comfortably, a rock that does not believe it can be moved.
Whatever the fuck this is, this isn't recovery. I can't pretend it is or allow my kids to believe that this is.
20 days to go on the eviction notice. The past 3 days have been peaceful. The narc is on his best behavior attempting to impress me and melt my stone cold demeanor. Making meals, playing with kids, dishes, laundry, posting "The greatest blessing is a spouse who stands by you" on Facebook, a late night text "I miss laying next to you", playing country songs on his phone with themes about love and being sorry, taking the kids to school. Its bullshit. Gaslighting, love bombing, dog whistling, trauma bonding bullshit.
I am quietly observing the things he is NOT doing, like not working, not packing, not talking to people about what it is going on, not speaking to his parents, not going to 12 step meetings, not fixing one of the three broken down vehicles he has illegally parked in front of my trailer, not applying for actual jobs, not having heart to heart talks with his kids to make sure they are okay given the chaos he created for them (Dont worry, mama has that covered, the have had all the talks and snuggles. It was heart breaking how accepting and adaptable they are. They know they are safe with a stable mom and loved by many. They informed me in all their wisdom that they know I am happier and they are happier when he is not here. The kids are okay). The narc just sits there smoking cigarettes and weed and watching You Tube all day, hoping I eat myself alive with guilt and self-doubt and confusion and tell him he can stay.
If you have read this far, God love you for committing to these ramblings. Part of my PTSD is having poor recall and part of suffering from gaslighting abuse is I question and confuse reality a lot of the times. This is his specialty, and he is hoping it will work now. He is hoping I am acting and bluffing my way through a power move, like he would. I am doing neither, and I have been so clear that I am not changing my mind. A sane person would have taken me seriously already and made some plans.
I write this mainly to keep my head clear, and to throw evidence and affirmation and intention at the doubt and negative self talk that creep into my mind all the time.
Like journaling. But if journaled all this in isolation, I think I would go insane.
I hope it helps someone else
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