Previous Part
By the time I’d woke up bright and early at 4 A.M., Rocco had amassed an impressive pile of pilfered food in the corner of the tepee. He was just dragging in a turkey leg when I saw him, must’ve been at it all night form the looks of it.
“Rocco, what the hell!”
I shouted, waving my hands at the pile of food he’d brought in.
“I told you to stay out of trouble, lay low. This is… not that!”
I complained, trying to think of how I’d talk my way out of this if anyone asked about the missing food. Rocco simply responded by shrugging, turning around, and diving face first into the mountain of food. I was annoyed at the moment but then I got to thinking. If Rocco stole all that and no one saw him what else could he do without being noticed?
“Hey… hey Rocco no-one saw you stealing all this right?”
I asked, grabbing his tail and dragging him out of the food mountain.
“WHATS DA BIG IDEA!”
He protested, flailing around as I held him in the air by his tail before regaining his composure and adding.
“I’m a profesional, of course I didn’t get seen. Why?! Did someone say something!?
Rocco shot his head from side to side, like he would find someone listening or critiquing his heist. All the movement causing him to spin slowly, still dangling from his tail.
“No, I was just thinking, as long as your out here I could have a job for you.”
I said, setting him down as he answered,
“Whad’ya mean? Spit it out!”
with his classic charm.
“I mean, I want you to sneak into that blonde guy’s tepee. The one with the shitty attitude, Brooke I think his name was. Just see if you can find anything in there.”
I could see Rocco’s interest was peaked but he still had one last all to predictable question.
“What’s in it for me?”
“You keep whatever you find in there no questions asked.”
Before the words even left fully my lips Rocco cried, “DEAL” and sprinted out of the tepee on all fours, leaving me alone.
I wasn’t really sure what the process was now, was Shaoni going to come get us or did she expect us to meet her in the coliseum? I’d never been part of anything like this before, I had no idea what the attendance policy was like. So, lacking anything better to do, I walked down into the mines and waited in the coliseum. It was obvious they were’t really ready for us yet. A few of Shaoni’s people were down there placing cactus looking things into five carved wooden bowls on the floor. Five bowls, five people in these trials so those had to have something to do with us. I looked around the room, trying to find Shaoni. She wasn’t up on her perch like yesterday and she certainly wasn’t part of the small group setting up those bowls. I felt a little different about her now that we’d had a chance to talk. Before I’d been afraid of her, and for good reason, but she seemed to want the opposite of that. Maybe not from me specifically but in general. Although, how could you not be scared of someone who could turn into a giant bird and seemed to consistently be the cause of freak storms. There was a lot of power to her but she didn’t want people to be afraid of it, she wanted respect. I’m sure there was more to her that I hadn’t heard but I certainly was going to hear anything new here.
Seeing as I was still apparently early, I decided not to wear out my welcome in the coliseum. I made my way back out of the mines and settled down back at that canvas tent with the huge table. It was again filled with food that had come from nowhere in particular, probably set up by more of Shaoni’s people. As if to confirm my suspicion, the bandaged man Bianca had stabbed earlier emerged from the camp, walking towards me with a platter of bacon. He starred daggers at me as he placed the platter at the table but didn’t say anything. I was almost tempted to apologize on Bianca’s behalf but I got the sense that wouldn’t be a great idea. Not long after I saw two of the others approaching.
“… Sure, but for some glorified tent it’s still pretty comfortable.”
Brooke said to Katrina who looked thoroughly uninterested in what he had to say.
Brooke wore a… purple suit that made him look like some stereotypical version of a pimp. I couldn’t think of any reason he’d wear that out here, at least no-one would mistake him from anyone else, that ’s for sure. Katrina wore an equally confusing getup, a blue tank top and jeans that made her look kinda like the girl from those tomb raider games. It was about 50 degrees out and probably wasn’t going to get much warmer. If she wanted to freeze, so be it. I gave a slight nod to them as they sat down across from me. Katrina still eyeing Brooke with an expression that begged for him not to open his mouth again.
I couldn’t stop staring at her, no not like that, I was staring at her belt where a holster sat,
“You like it?”
She asked, noticing the staring that I should’ve been trying harder to hide, drawing the handgun from the holster on her hip.
“Beretta M9 semi-automatic pistol, my father’s service pistol actually. Always served me well, so I always keep it on me, well almost always.”
She said with a wink, checking the gun and pulling back its slide. I wasn’t all that familiar with guns but I distinctly saw her flip the safety off. Which had a profound effect on my nerves considering I was staring down its barrel.
“They let you keep that around here? I would’ve thought they take that from you.”
I asked incredulously, still eyeing the gun she had pointed at me.
“I hid it on me yesterday, if they have an issue with it they can try and take it from me. I’m not doing anything like this without some kind of insurance. They get me and Luke or nothing at all.”
She retorted, spinning the gun back into her holster and turning the safety back on with a practiced hand. “Oh that’s cute, she named it” I thought sarcastically as my nerves settled, a loaded gun no longer pointed directly at my face.
“I’m not sure Shaoni would let you leave, even if you wanted to.”
“Oh please! She wouldn’t dare lay a finger on me or she’d have bigger problems coming her way.”
Katrina laughed, throwing her hand back in seemingly genuine amusement. She really didn’t have a care about the Thunderbird? I found that hard to believe.
“So what do you do anyways then? If you’re so sure she wouldn’t touch you.”
I asked incredulously. This seemed to grab her attention as she immediately snapped her head down, locking eyes with me and barking,
“That’s a need to know thing and you don’t.”
Before returning her attention to the food on the table and ignoring me. She was military, that was probably a safe assumption.
Brooke had been listening in to our conversation as he ate. After Katrina snapped at me he finally spoke up.
“So hang on, you came all the way out here with no insurance, no protection? Does anyone even know you’re out here?”
I briefly thought about Rocco, he wasn’t great insurance but he sure came cheap. I hadn’t stopped to think about preparing anything to bring out here with me. I just stupidly assumed everyone was on the same page as me, an unprepared fish out of water.
“No, I guess not.”
I responded, a little shaken at the realization that everyone here was probably more prepared than me.
“You must be stupid or have balls of steel to do something like that.”
Brooke told me, reaching over the table to clap me on the shoulder. I didn’t know if this really was the Brooke Bianca told me about or not but I really did not like this guy. We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. John and Robert never showed up but I guessed they were down in the mines helping set everything up. I guess being a participate in the trials didn’t exempt Shaoni's followers from having to help get ready for them.
Apparently my guess was right because Robert and John were both already in the coliseum when the three of us arrived. Shaoni was once again up on the balcony and all of the people that had been there earlier were gone. I could clearly see what was in the five bowls now. It was some kind of small cactus thing with a white-pink flower at the top. I’d never seen anything like it before but it did seem a little out of place.
“This is your first trial, the trial of morals. This trial is meant to show us where your morals lie through visions of the past and beyond. Sometimes the plant has a mind of its own though so I don’t expect anyone will have the same experience. Some may not even serve the purpose of the trial but the vision is more important than anything I hoped to learn.”
Shaoni spoke like an announcer from above us.
“There is a plant there for each of you, peyote plants that I had grow for just this occasion. Each of you will eat one of the plants and they will give you visions. You will walk among the spirits and they will show you what you need to see.”
Shaoni finished, like she hadn’t just asked us to take hallucinogenics in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by people we didn’t really trust. I wasn’t a huge fan of being here when I was in control of my faculties but while experiencing a vision, oh no, fat chance. Then again it wasn’t like I had all that much of a choice, I realized just before I opened my mouth to protest.
“Fine but what does that tell you about us? Sure we can go get high for you here but it doesn’t really help anyone.”
Brooke spoke up, taking his usual disrespectful tone with Shaoni.
“I have my ways of knowing, but this experiences is for you. It should tell you more about yourself than it will tell me but I assure you, I will learn something.”
An annoyed but composed Shaoni responded. With that she turned and left us to our task.
“So does anyone want to go first?”
Katrina asked, putting a finger to her nose, inviting anyone else to go first.
“Not so fast sweetcheeks, I don’t trust any of you so how about you take the first crack at it?”
Brooke pointedly suggested. I think Katrina wanted to throw a haymaker at his face right then but I stepped in first.
“What if we all did it at once? Then no one is waiting around and I highly doubt she would let anyone come down here and do anything to us if these trials are that important to her.”
I reasoned, pointing up at the balcony Shaoni had been standing on.
“I still don’t like it but I can live with that, I agree everyone at once like… what’s your name?”
“Keith”
“Everyone at once like Keith said.”
Commanded Katrina, looking everyone in the eye and daring them to challenge her. I didn’t know what she did before coming here but whatever it was gave her a glare even Shaoni would be proud of. No-one hesitated to walk up to their respective bowls and take a bite of the strange pinkish flower at the top of the cactus.
The effects weren’t immediate, John just ate his flower then knelt by his bowl, eyes closed waiting for the vision to come. Robert leaned against the wall looking at his watch, seemingly judging the time before it took effect.
“It’s not my first time with peyote, I’ll probably stay up a little longer than you guys.”
Brooke bragged to the room, taking a seat by his bowl as Katrina and I did the same.
Poetically, Brooke was actually the first of us to go down for the count. I had to resit the urge to stand up and kick the crumpled up purple ball that was formerly Brooke. I don’t think anyone would have stopped me, heck the way Katrina was glaring at him this morning she might’ve joined in. But given what came next it was probably a good idea I didn’t stand. All of a sudden the room began flashing different colors, orange then brown then blue. I felt like I was falling but I hadn’t moved. Eventually a sensation came over me, like I had stood up but I was acutely aware of the fact that my body was really lying on the floor of the coliseum. As my vision cleared I started to recognize things, sights and sounds of a hospital room. It would seem my vision had started by bringing me back to my father.
I inched through the hospital room, sure of what I’d see on the other side of the thin curtain. A heart monitor beeped, just the same as the first and last time I’d been in this room. I saw my father, splayed across the bed no different than the only time I’d been in this room. I’ve always maintained that my family life was generally normal, anything that lay outside of that box of normality could be attributed to my father. He was never what I’d call a good person. Sure, he was never aggressive towards me but it didn't really count for anything. You could tell he never really wanted me. What he did to my mother, that was another story. He came home drunk almost every night and she end up with a black eye or worse at least once a week. Unfortunately for us he had a good job, he paid the bills and my mother and I couldn’t really support ourselves on our own back then. Worse still my mother always told me she put up with it for my sake when I asked her about it. That meant I always felt partially responsible every time I heard a fist meet skin in the room below mine.
My father had ended up in this bed by way of a drunk driving incident. Funnily enough it wasn’t actually his fault. He just so happened to be in the wrong intersection at the wrong time when a box truck plowed right into him. The accident left him with severe brain and spinal damage. It was a sick joke he survived, not a miracle. He’d be on life support from now on. I could’ve made him pay for everything he did with the simple tug of a cable. The only reason I didn’t was that the owner of the company that employed the box truck driver offered to pay all his medical bills. He must not have looked to closely because my fathers insurance was covering all of it. But every week a hefty check came in the mail anyways. As long as he was alive and in that hospital bed, me and my mother could live comfortably. It wasn’t really the right thing to do but I figured it was what my mother deserved after years of putting up with his abuse.
The heart monitor’s shrill beeping focused me back to the situation. I stood over my father’s body, the old urge to just pull the plug washing over me again.
“It would be so easy. Mom’s fine now, you’re managing, why do you still need him?”
I thought to myself, toying with the idea as another voice spoke in my head, Shaoni’s voice.
“He’s earned it, he ruined years of your mother’s life, Its only fair he pay a price for what he did.”
I looked around for the source of her voice but I saw nothing, maybe I was just hearing things, it was just a vision after all right? I looked down to see I was now on the opposite side of the bed, hand reaching toward the cord that powered the life support. Time seemed to move at a crawl, was this really the best option? He was probably solely responsible for the distance between my mother and I, he beat her so many times. Some of the blame for it even sat on my shouldres, would killing him take that away? Could I live with myself if I did this? Knowing I took the easy way out at his expense. No… I couldn’t, it would make me just as bad as him. It just wasn’t right I shouldn’t be the one to decide if he dies. Besides, whatever sliver of sentience remained in him deserved to watch as he shriveled and died in his own way, in some ways that was far worse but he didn’t deserve an easy way out either. The room spun as I made my choice and pulled my hand back from the plug. Sending my vision spiraling as my body collapsed to the cold hospital floor. When I finally fought my way through my spinning vision and back to my feet I was somewhere else. I was in Imalone and if I had to guess it was the night I first saw Shaoni.
I was somewhere in the town square where I got chained into the wooden monstrosity the cultists had made. Shaoni was circling in the sky so I guess I was watching this memory from outside of myself. I was made absolutely sure of this when I saw myself being carried out of the old rotting bar. I watched as the situation played out exactly as I remembered it. Right up until Shaoni landed and came to speak with the one masked cultist. What had been gibberish to me before was suddenly crystal clear english.
“What IS this! You think this is right!? This is what you think I stand for, human sacrifice?!”
Shaoni shouted with such intensity and force I jumped back, looking for a place to take cover.
“Brother Aaron foretold your approach, this outsider wandered in so we thought he would make an excellent gift to you.”
The masked cultist answered, missing the point entirely as Shaoni’s eyes flashed with fury.
“There will be a sacrifice alright, a price must be paid for everything you’ve done here. You have no understanding of what I stand for, You’ve spit in the face of it in fact and for that, each and every one of you will make a sacrifice. Release that poor boy, NOW!”
Shaoni commanded the cultists with a voice so stern I almost ran to try and free the trapped version of myself. None of them budged, they didn’t even seem to realize what kind of danger they were in. Shaoni strode past them over to me where she offered me her all to familiar deal. I was stunned, I never stopped to think that she fully intended to let me go either way. Sure, now I knew that these guys weren’t her usual followers. I still never thought she came here intending to wipe them out. I didn’t really have a chance to dwell on it. Before I knew it Shaoni was transforming again causing a tornado to appear in the middle of town as lightning struck around the area like machine gun fire. As the wall of wind rain and lighting reached me I felt a familiar falling sensation and blacked out again.
When I came to I was back on the cave floor again. I wasn’t sure if I was still in a vision until I felt a sharp kick to my side.
“Oh… that felt… very real. Oh god why?”
I groaned as I looked up at the smirking Katrina.
“He’s awake, that’s everyone then.”
She called out to the rest of the group who were all standing around me. She and the others walked off in the direction of the exit, leaving me there on the floor. With nothing better to do I followed them out. Outside the full moon had shown itself, bathing the camp in shimmering moonlight. Shaoni walked up to greet all of us who’d just collectively decided to just go outside.
“You’ve all made it through it would seem, I hope your experiences weren’t to unpleasant.”
Brooke charged straight past her, I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. Obviously he’d seen something he didn’t like while he was under the influence of that plant. Katrina seemed completely unaffected, marching by Shaoni filled with the same confidence she had when I first saw her. Robert and John seemed completely unaffected by whatever they had seen but something told me they might be used to it. Me, I wasn’t doing so great. I wasn’t all that pleased about revisiting my father and all those old memories and whatever that flower was called had really done a number on me. I weakly waved to Shaoni as I walked by, just trying to focus on walking straight. She didn’t seem to surprised that none of us wanted to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to us as we all quietly sat and ate. I didn’t like the silence, it felt like everyone was just waiting for something to happen but no-one had any idea what. So I got up and headed back to my tepee, maybe Rocco had turned something up on Brooke.
Rocco was waiting for me atop his mountain of food when I got back.
“I found somethin yous might be interested in”
He said triumphantly, waving around a polaroid photo he had clutched in his paw.
“Give that to me!”
I snapped, ripping it right out of his paw.
“Well someones in a mood.”
“Getting drugged will do that to you.”
I snapped as Rocco stared at me, paws on his hips like he was about to give me attitude.
“I’m sorry My heads still just spinning from… well everything today.”
I sighed, holding my head in one hand as I shook it. Apologizing to a raccoon, my life really was something wasn’t it? I looked down to the picture enemy hand and immediately ice shot through my veins. It was a picture of Bianca taken not too long ago by the looks of it. She was walking back into her house in the photo and it looked like it was taken from a passing car. The photo itself isn’t what really concerned me though, the message written on the back did that. “What you seek can be found in the town of Eagles Peak”, the note read in a singsongy way. I’d never seen Shaoni’s handwriting but given the circumstances I was sure that’s what I was looking at.
I looked up at Rocco who looked more serious than I’d ever seen him.
“Now I don’t know what happened to that girl but somethin’ hurt her before we knew her. If that’s the somethin’ that did, and I’m guessin’ it is lookin’ atcha’. I say we should hurt em’ back.”
Rocco told me with cold steel in his voice. It was weird, hearing him speak without a hint of a joke or over exaggerated movement. We finally found something that the little menace to society could focus on, something… productive.
“My hands are tied, I don’t think anyone here would take kindly to me just attacking someone. Besides, look at him, he’s taller and obviously stringer than me. I’m just a scrawny guy who’s way out of his element, I don’t want a fight. Just… keep an eye on him, maybe we can find something to turn the others against him?”
It wasn’t the answer Rocco was looking for, that’s for sure. He deflated at my words, I’m sure he wanted to go in guns blazing and confront Brooke with what we thought we knew. That wasn’t really going to be an option here, even if it was I’d rather not do that.
“Oh, one more thing, Don’t let Brooke go back into town if he tries to leave, I don’t care how you do it just don’t let him leave.”
I added as an evil grin crossed Rocco’s face.
“Aye’ aye’ captain!”
He cried, raising a paw to his head and saluting me.
Just then I heard someone knocking, no rustling? Screwing around with the front flap to the tepee trying to get my attention. I opened it only to see, “Shaoni?”
“I wanted to ask about the visions today, I’ve talked to everyone else but I couldn’t find you so I guessed you’d be at… is that a raccoon?”
Shaoni stopped, seeing Rocco frozen mid step behind me as he tried and failed to run before she saw him. Realizing he’d been seen Rocco twirled around and in a way only he could announced,
“Whatcha’ think you were looking at Pocahontas?”
“Oh? It talks as well?”
Shaoni said, somewhere between bewildered and bemused as she looked between me and the mouthy Raccoon.
“Course I talk! I thought you woulda’ seen somethin’ like that when you were busy painting with all the colors of the wind!”
Rocco yelled back at her. I wasn’t sure if he was actually offended by Shaoni’s questions, or just deliberately trying to be a nuisance, probably the second thing. I whirled around and glared at Rocco, holding my finger to my mouth in an attempt to shut him up. For once he actually listened.
“I… sorry about him, he’s always like that, part of his charm you know.”
I said with a shrug and a nervous chuckle. Shaoni shook her head dismissively and continued.
“Did you see anything in the cave that you wanted to talk about?”
She asked me, now sounding a little annoyed. I thought back to my father and that hospital room, I wasn’t really ready to talk about that with anyone just yet. But I did have some new questions about how I got into this whole mess in the first place.
“You said back in Imalone you saved me because I realized there was a price for being saved. That wasn’t really it though was it? I saw it again, I could understand you this time. You were going to save me regardless. So why mark me Shaoni? Why did you really bring me here?!”
I said, my voice raising outside of my control as I spoke. I had to finally admit to myself that I was sick and tired of being dragged around in the dark. I was suddenly furious and I didn’t care who it was standing in front of me, I wanted an answer.
“Those men were ruining my name, they thought they were following the Thunderbird but it was just some idea of me they had come up with. They used me to justify their horrid actions and I came to put a stop to it. You were there and when I offered you a deal you didn’t fight it. That’s why I marked you.”
Shaoni spoke quickly, like she wanted to avoid the subject, all but turning around and leaving right then.
“Bullshit! I want an answer Shaoni, a real answer!”
I yelled at her, my fury taking full control of me. Shaoni was silent for a minute, when she finally spoke she looked down, never meeting my eyes as she softly said.
“You remind me of someone from a long time ago. They were blind to the way of things at first, an outsider even. In time though, he became what bound our people together as one family. I don’t have a better answer for you than that. I wasn’t sure I should’ve chosen you at first, I had a feeling that day and I followed it. What you’ve done since you’ve got here, how you’ve handled learning what little you know about the world of the supernatural. Those things are what tell me I made the right choice.”
As she walked away I thought I saw tears reflecting in the moonlight shown on her face. As I settled down I swore I heard soft sobs, echoing across the camp long into the night.

[NOT SURE IF THIS COUNTS AS REVENGE…BUT I FIGURED IT IS CLOSE ENOUGH]
I am a member of a club. What we do is irrelevant to this story.
What is relevant is that one to four times a year we have a large get together, during which we usually partake in some fun activities.
We have been to amusement parks, played minigolf, had barbecues and similar.
During these events, many of us have expenses which we can get reimbursed by the club. To streamline the process, we decided long ago that everyone would send their invoices to the person in charge of reimbursements, who would then make a payout at the end of the next month.
For the past 2 years, a young girl (21) named Nina was in charge of this task and we never had a complaint. She wasn’t a club member, but did the job as a favour to her brother (who is a club member).
And if it hadn’t been for Daniel, Nina might still be with us. Daniel is a club member as well, though we barely manage to tolerate him. I won’t go into detail about his other exploits, but one of his shitty character traits was the inability to keep a time schedule.
The aforementioned invoices could be uploaded during a generous time slot decided by Nina (usually 2 weeks). We all managed to do so. Except Daniel. Every time Nina sent out a final reminder that people had 24 hours left, Daniel would immediately demand an extension. And then another one. And another one. Denying his request would lead to a hissy fit of biblical proportions and usually resulted in Nina acquiescing. Reimbursements were sometimes delayed for half a year, overlapping with the process of the next event. Nothing helped. Daniel didn’t see a problem and it wasn’t severe enough to throw him out.
Nina left a short while ago (not because of Daniel in particular, but I am sure he played a part) and had to be replaced.
In comes Bert. Bert is a 55 year old veteran club member with a beer belly, a viking beard, arms as thick as my thighs, the personality of an Irish dock worker and the vocabulary of a Hungarian pimp.
Bert knew about Daniel‘s antics and decided to put a stop to them from the beginning.
We have an event. Bert opens the online process to upload the invoices and gives the same 2 weeks. 24 hours before the deadline Bert puts out a message that once the time is up, no more receipts will be accepted. Daniel asks for an extension, Bert says no, Daniel throws a hissy fit, Bert doesn’t respond. Bert then closes the upload process.
At the next weekly meeting, Daniel confronted Bert. Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Daniel had imagined. He was able to finish half a sentence, before Bert‘s voice thundered through the whole meeting venue:
„You listen to me, you little [EXPLETIVE]. You knew exactly how much [EXPLETIVE] time you had and you knew exactly what would [EXPLETIVE] happen afterwards. The upload process will stay up as long as [EXPLETIVE] announced and I will be [EXPLETIVE] if I let a single [EXPLETIVE] like you increase my workload. And if you have a problem with that then you can [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] your [EXPLETIVE].“
Daniel fell silent and left. He is still a member…but he is now strangely enough capable to upload the invoices within the alotted time.
I like Bert.

Chapter 25:
On the other side of the galaxy....
In the dimly lit chamber of Zortan Blart, a figure emerges from the shadows. The agent, cloaked in secrecy, approaches the Moafia Don with a report that hums with the electric tension of covert operations.
"Boss," the agent begins, voice a modulated whisper, "the beaurocrats have been swayed. Doubts have been seeded, their integrity questioned. They're ensnared in our narrative, believing the Convoy harbors contraband and fugitives."
Zortan Blart, a silhouette against the star-strewn viewport, nods slowly. "And the fleet?" he inquires, his voice a low rumble.
"The fleet's nature has been... embellished. Tales of their firepower exaggerated, their purpose cloaked in mystery. The officials are hesitant, fearing a Trojan horse within their midst."
A sly smile curls the lips of Zortan Blart. "Excellent. Let the Federation choke on their bureaucracy. By the time they untangle this web, the Convoy will be mine."
The agent bows, a move as calculated as the game they play. "Your will be done, Boss."
Inspector Xilthar's arrival at the Federation station was supposed to be routine. Every form had been meticulously filled, every protocol followed to the letter. Yet, as the Inquisitor docked, a flurry of red flags greeted him, each more absurd than the last.
The station's justices, known for their impartiality, were suddenly citing trivial infractions and absurd claims. A missing comma here, an outdated code there—each filed with a severity that belied their insignificance. And the accusations of sentient trafficking were outright insulting! Xilthar's brow furrowed as he sifted through the paperwork. It was unlike the Federation to behave like this.
As he delved deeper, patterns emerged. Two justices, in particular, seemed to be at the center of the bureaucratic maelstrom. Their rulings were erratic, their justifications flimsy. It didn't take long for Xilthar to uncover the truth: these justices were puppets, their strings pulled by shadowy hands.
The realization hit Xilthar like a rogue asteroid. They had an antagonist, one that lurked within the very system meant to uphold justice.
With a steely resolve, Xilthar began to hack through the red tape. If the Convoy was to continue its journey unimpeded, he would need to confront this new threat head-on. The Great Human Convoy had faced pirates and perils of the void, but now they were up against a foe that wielded bureaucracy as a weapon.
The station was abuzz with the usual commerce and chatter, but an undercurrent of unease ran through the corridors. Xilthar's discovery of the meddling was troubling enough, but the missing military escort was a glaring omission that couldn't be ignored.
The Big Ugly Stick, the Convoy's capital ship, was a fortress among the stars, its presence a reassurance to all. The Pimp Hand, with its arsenal of missiles, was a deterrent to any who dared threaten the fleet. The Attitude Adjuster, a destroyer known for its formidable firepower, and the Mama Bear, a carrier, were integral to their defense. Yet, none had arrived.
Xilthar's instincts told him this was no coincidence. The military's delay, coupled with the farcical red flags, painted a picture of a coordinated effort to undermine the Convoy. Someone was pulling strings, creating distractions, perhaps to mask a more sinister objective.
As he navigated the station's labyrinthine bureaucracy, Xilthar kept one eye on the comms, awaiting news of the escort. The Convoy was vulnerable without its guardians, and every passing moment was a moment too long.
As the chronometer approaches standard evening, Xilthar sends a secure call to Jeb, "We have an antagonist within the Federation. Be cautious."
Jeb tips his hat back, "Have I got a story for you!"
In a dimly lit cabin aboard the Hodgepodge, Jeb, sits across from the storied pirate lord with the unfortunate name of Peg Leg Polaris. Chessmaster floats nearby holding a holographic scale with a feather on one side and a heart in the other.
Jeb: "Alright, let's cut to the chase. You used to be a big shot, now you're wantin' to join up with us. Why should we even consider it?"
Pirate Lord: "Look, I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. I was the best there was, and then I wasn't. Got locked up, paid my dues. I'm here 'cause I got nothin' left to prove but to myself. I can navigate, I can lead, and I sure as hell can fight."
Jeb: "Hmm. Chessie, what's the read on him?"
Chessmaster shows the scale the heart tilted slightly downward "His physiological responses indicate sincerity, Jeb, even if he was lying a little about being the best." She grins. "However, caution is advisable."
Jeb: "You got a rep for bein' a bit too full of yourself. How do we know you ain't gonna cause trouble?"
Pirate Lord: "Jeb, I got humbled, hard. Ain't lookin' to stir up no hornet's nest. Just wanna sail with a crew that's got a purpose beyond lootin' and shootin'. Im giving up the name of my boss cause I have no future with Blart after this anyway."
Jeb leans back, eyes narrowing: "Don Blart, huh? That's a heavy name to drop. You sure you're ready to burn that bridge?"
Pirate Lord: "It's already ash, Jeb. I'm done with that life. Done with lookin' over my shoulder. If it means a clean slate with you and the crew, then so be it."
Chessie's projection flickers with intrigue: "A bold move. The Convoy does not take kindly to mafia ties. This information will be... evaluated."
Jeb: "We'll verify what you're sayin'. If it checks out, you've got yourself a deal. But remember, we're a family here. No secrets, no backstabbin'. You step outta line, and it's the airlock for you."
Pirate Lord: "Understood. I ain't lookin' for family, but I reckon I could use one. I'm as good as dead alone."
Chessie: "I will monitor the situation closely, Jeb. Should he prove deceitful, I will alert you immediately."
Jeb: "Good. Welcome to the Convoy, Polaris. Let's see if you can navigate more than just the stars."
Back on the station, Xilthar, armed with the name of their opponent, begins his meticulous research. He sifts through historical records and databases, uncovering the intricate web of connections that tie the criminal underworld to the echelons of power within the federation. His investigation reveals a complex network of influence and corruption, where suspect justices may have been compromised, swaying their decisions and undermining the very pillars of justice they are sworn to uphold.
Jeb adjusts his hat, speaking to his crew and the pilots, "Alright, folks. We've set things in motion. Now comes the hard part—waiting. The gears of bureaucracy grind slow, but they grind. Our defenders will come, and when they do, we'll be ready."

They bragged about giving AL a Python programming job in SLC. Now they brag her new job is at Tesla as reward for calling me a liar? Her new job seems based on my degree since I knew AL to work in different field. She has power of attorney over her sister outside of court room but it's considered valid. No official records exist in Florida. It shouldn't involve me, but someone insisted that I am a P family go-go dancer and hooker with autism, but not who I really am. Why? I repeated something my brother B told me that people on Facebook page told S about so she got mad at me too? They claim that AL always pimped out her autistic sister to white men? Why should she start now if it wasn't a thing before? But churches want that? Weirdness to accept several sins instead of prevent sin. Facebook pages are promoting sins? Facebook game definitely promotes sin! Revenge on me is motivating unique punishment in hell. Same thing I said for years about same issue.
Why? RPM? The issue includes denying 2000 marriage for unknown reasons which I assume involves my twins born in 2001. They have to be considered sons of a whore or just that RPM can't be considered their father? They said my mom doesn't have a choice because she must have lied once for my sister in law thinking it would be just once. Because someone local to Jax organized the thing in Phoenix AZ that they said made me poor forever because all assets were given to CRK in 2011 instead of me? I wasn't there. Defending myself in a crowd wouldn't have been possible because I DIDN'T invite people who would know me. Ex husband DK invited people? I heard he was there, but I never saw photos!! Intuition told me it was going to be a bad day so I didn't go. I cried. I prayed. Just one day, but people insisted I was there and accepted the bad deal? If $ was involved, I didn't get any or cash a check.
Whatever it was, I think it's mistake to keep truth away from me. Family secret kept from me must be revealed while I live in Jax!!
I think it's just Sanskrit or Hindu nickname #Anil that made them think that my son was molested. It's not EXACTLY what it sounds like! Name means white. SK is pale but they "replaced" him too or a clone lives with me to badmouth me! Of course, maybe DK in WRONG city was contacted instead of someone asking me. It's WHY they think I was just a hooker? Names on paper, or a Facebook page, doesn't mean they are right person from NJ based diary. Why did my diary become gospel? Who published it because I need to sue for inaccuracies?
Drama in hell continues to grow. Because 1998 divorce unleashed series of lies about me that only I know are false. Because they said I am Christian, they refused to let me get out of hell? Hinduism had a longer philosophical life with my mind than people accepted. Books read opened my mind since high school. I wasn't Hindu because of a guy or because of a job. But some people "rewrote my life" and continue to do enough for the falsehood to stay alive. Churches didn't help me in the battle against identity fraud but several were asked. Nobody else apparently spoke up for my 3 kids and I! I'm suffering in hell because I didn't break up with D fast enough.

Last night I found out from a friend that my wife is a sex worker. I didn't want to believe him at first. He has never met my wife before and didn't attend our wedding because he was overseas at the time. He currently lives in another city which my wife flies down to every weekend.
Here's how it happened:
Summary of Events:

• 6pm: Picked my wife up from the airport as usual; she said she was visiting her sister.
• 7pm: Had dinner with the family. I posted a photo on my Instagram story of my wife and son enjoying their meal.
• After 7pm: Went home to watch a movie with my wife after our son went to bed.
• 11pm: Received a call from my mate.

During the call, my friend said, "I thought you wanted to hear this." I jokingly told him to F off, but he was dead serious. He saw that I tagged my wife, so he dug deeper into her profile and confirmed it was her. He had seen her earlier today at a brothel when the pimp let him choose the girls. He said he didn't pick my wife, but his mate did. My friend mentioned my wife's distinctive tattoo on her forearm, which matches the one in my Instagram story. He knew this phone call might end our friendship, but he felt he had to let me know. He ended the call with, "I didn't know, bro. I am sorry."
3 am: I'm still awake, sitting in my car. What did I do to deserve this? I hope it isn't true. I hope this is a prank, a very bad prank.
4 am: I somehow found her working name through my friend, who told me about this. From her working name, I found explicit reviews about her online in some forum. I have never been so defeated in my life. I really hope this forum is some sort of prank they made to prank me. I have never visited a sex worker before so i do not know if this is legit or not. I hope it is not true. I really hope this is just a bad dream.
All night I cried in the car. I haven't confronted her yet. When she came out to ask me to go to bed, I had to pretend everything was fine. She gave me a goodnight kiss, but I was so put off by her being near me.
I hope this is all a mistake, but everything checks out. I did some digging on social media and found out that her sister, who she was supposed to be visiting, moved to Melbourne a few months ago. Yet, my wife still flies there every weekend. These trips have been happening since January last year. She even told me she went shopping with her sister today, but her sister’s social media showed her at a cafe in Melbourne this morning.
I don't have close friends here in Auckland. I moved here for work and don't know where to turn. I'm seriously considering divorce because this is too much for me to forgive and forget. Losing the house is the least of my worries now. I'm hurting badly and in so much pain. I love her so much, but I don't know what to do. Please do not troll me, i have never cried this much in my life.
Does anyone know of any support communities or resources for dealing with this kind of situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Regards Broken Man
UPDATE : Yes , i use chatgpt because English is not my first language and i just want to get my message across without having the readers to be confuse over my broken grammar. I just want to ask for genuine advice, not wanting to farm any likes or whatever its called on here. I guess its my fault for not stating it when i write.
As for writing the website on here, i did not know that i cant write it here. If it is an issue, then please delete my post. Very sorry to made you think that way of me. I never meant to offend anyone. I am too distraught to even reply to those who are saying negative things here.
Those that do not believe that this could happen, i agree with you. I never thought this situation is possible.
For the ones that asked me why i do not question her when she goes to another city every weekend leaving me to take care of my son, I did and we had a lot of arguments because my weekends i was stuck babysitting. As for the price of the flight, she has a job so she can afford it, we have a joint account and also our own private account that we do not share.
9am update : I have found more evidence and i am deciding between going to the lawyers first or confronting her first. I am very ashamed of going to see the lawyer and telling him/her in person of my situation. This is something really new to me. I am afraid that i will breakdown in front of the lawyer. I went to get a cup of coffee just now and tears just came flowing out.
Final update for today : To clarify again, I am a middle age man that has no interest whatsoever to do some "likes" farming or account farming or what its called on here. I do not know what is those terms and i have no use for them. I prefer to use chatgpt instead of direct translation because google translation often messed up the meaning which will make it look confusing or bad. I am not here to ask for attention or money donations. I am just here to ask some advice. Sorry if my chatgpt translation made people here angry. I always use that to reply my emails so i though it is not a bad thing.
I have received a lot of support in my PM as well as a lot of abuse. To the supports, i thank you for taking your time to message me, it means a lot. To the abusers, most of you are very angry in the inbox saying that i use chatgpt. As i have explained before, it helps me explain better and i did not know it is not allowed to use. Please excuse me for not knowing.
And for those who PM me to encourage me to harm myself so i wont be in this world and make nasty jokes at my family , i don't know why you are so mad at me but i cannot do that, i still have a son that needs me.

Hello reddit, SES Prophet of Integrity here.
Level 35, playing the game a bit every now and then. I just bought my last stratagem, so AFAIK I won't be able to use/spend slips anymore? I think I also lack just a few stratagem upgrades and I'll be maxed out there as well. I could only assume many of you are already in that spot :)
Is there any information already about potential options / sinks / investments? I have myself heard/read a few good ideas. Of course I am aware that there are things / bugs that need to be attended to with the highest priority. But at some point I think we should get some options to spend money/samples/whatever, so that we are still motivated to clear whole maps, etc. and just be happy with these small reward loops.
Don't get me wrong - I love the gameplay itself and I will be happy diving/clearing sub objectives even if I am not rewarded for that. The sole gameplay is fun enough for me.
BUT
The option to spend money/currency lategame is one of the multiple options that might make this game live long and prosper (together with a lot of other stuff, of course), as well as adding yet another layer of satisfaction/customisation/being engaged in the game, world, and the community.
So:

1. Is there anything confirmed around spending currency late game when maxed out you guys might know of?
2. If not, I am curious -> how important is this matter to you? How motivated you are to collect currency/do side quests in the game, even if you're capped/maxxed out? How happy would you be with additional options (see the list below for some inspiration)?
3. What are some good ideas for money spending options / sinks (though some other redditors pointed out that "money sinks" have some negative associations, so feel free to call it any other way)? I remember some examples for the late game money sinks were:

1) Ability to buy / exchange currencies (buy samples/warbonds for slips, "upgrade" samples to a better rarity, etc) - already posted on Reddit, please ping we if you're the author so I can add your name 2) Have a community target - you could donate your currencies for the greater good - for Super Earth! - and we can get bonuses or unlocks for that. You could even dress it as a some kind of political lobbying mini-game, where depending on which side wins (or is winning), we're going more in one or another direction in the Galactic SuperWar / SE politics - already posted on Reddit, please ping we if you're the author so I can add your name 3) Be able to buy powerful, x-time use stratagems or upgrades - already posted on Reddit, please ping we if you're the author so I can add your name 4) Again, as a community donation - be able to increase budgets of other missions, such as giving lower level/difficulties ability to unlock stratagems or increase reinforcement budget etc. for a single operation 5) My personal favourite is personalization of our Super Destroyers. I know it's not easy from the development point of view, but just having a few static areas (lobby, engineering crew room, ammo rooms, comms room) which we could pimp up with cosmetics so that we can tour our friends and brag about it? Maybe create a small "museum"/achievement area where we could display something? Or having a lab for Super Earth Science Department to research/study all these things we have collected during the missions? The sky is the limit, we could literally add 2-d propaganda (err... I mean reality) posters or other decorations anywhere! 6) Be able to write dedications on the bombs etc. that Eagles are dropping like "Automatons Rot in Hell" or "Bye Bye Bugs" that would display while being dropped (of course picking only from the ones pre-approved by the Ministry of Truth). 7) Be able to rent out equipment that we don't own yet - like parts of different warbonds. This would also serve as a way to try out things (as we don't have shooting range or anything like that) 8) Be able to send gifts - either to friends, or maybe even to randoms that we just played with and had a good time? Send them a thank you card or a "Democracy is the best Dad" mug? 9) For the cosmetics part - I covered the one with Super Destroyers, individual ones. But what about being able to donate to different cosmetics/projects on the Super Earth as well (as real patriots would)? We could maybe then have an option to take a look at a high level hologram of Super Earth and see all the good things we donated to, such as highest building in the world (local headquarters of Ministry of Truth), SEAF schools, High-tech radio towers - on a some kind of a global/planetary holomap?
Last four ideas I just came up with while writing this list so I do believe that sky is the limit and introducing some of these could help us - the players - stay more vigilant and motivated :)
I'll probably EDIT the post with more ideas of my own, but please feel free to comment yours, so I can collect them under this list - even if only just for wondering "what could have been..."
Thank you for your service Helldivers, I hope you will be satisfied with my measle attempts to enable us donate more of our hard-earned currencies for the glory of the Super Earth!!
EDIT: edited the post to make it, hopefully, a bit more coherent

I benefitted a lot from the advice on this subreddit and used a lot of it to guide my approach to M3 year; now that I've had the chance to sit the exam, I wanted to create an exam write-up in the hopes that it will be useful to others. This write-up is lengthy, as I wanted to include advice for any new M3 students about how to maximize 3rd year, as well as some Step 2-specific strategies and advice.
A little about me: I am a non-traditional student (in my 30s) at a mid-tier US MD school. Pre-clinical grades were good (honored 2nd year, 0.5% away from honoring 1st year). Honored every rotation in 3rd year. I am a peer tutor at my medical school and was actively involved in tutoring 1st and 2nd year students throughout my M3 year and dedicated.
I am a big believer in students teaching students and the idea that if we all work together, we all become better students and clinicians. In that spirit, I welcome you to ask me any questions that you have below.

Overview

In general, my advice boils down to:

1. Don't try to use EVERY resource. Choose a few high-quality resources and really know them well.
2. Doing well on Step 2 (and shelf exams, tbh) requires active learning strategies and continually trying to think about what the next step would be. Practice questions are a great way to do this, but challenge yourself to go beyond what each individual question to build a broader knowledge base. That way, you won't only know the answer to that specific question, but also to a whole host of related questions.

General studying tips for 3rd year + dedicated
I am a big believer that the most effective study strategy involves four big components:

1. A question bank (UWorld) - gives you primary exposure to the material and helps to identify where your gaps are.
2. A system for continuously reviewing content - I used Anki (I discuss this more below). You can also use other strategies (note-taking, old school flash cards), but the important thing is that your review strategy needs to be ACTIVE (i.e., not just re-reading your old notes, but actively quizzing yourself and covering up the answers) and it needs to be CONTINUOUS. I did not pause any Anki cards during 3rd year, so by the time I got to dedicated, I had been actively, continuously reviewing content for months.
3. Resource(s) for primary sources - this is where you go when you need to refresh on pathophysiology, look up treatment/diagnostic testing for a disease, or understand the symptoms. I prefer UpToDate for this broadly, and used some additional resources on specific clerkships that I will discuss below.
4. Practice exams - NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms") and NBME Step 2 practice exams; do them timed to practice pacing.

A note on AMBOSS vs UWorld
A lot of people I know use AMBOSS and like it. Some people want an additional bank of questions to study from. I didn't personally use AMBOSS at all during 3rd year, and only used it for Ethics and QI during dedicated (and honestly, it was only marginally useful - may have gotten me 1 or 2 extra points on the real step 2 exam, but not more than that).
I think the smartest way to approach Q-banks is to make sure you have enough time to complete and thoroughly review at least one. For me, UWorld was more than enough to prepare well for each shelf exam and step 2 (honored every rotation). I think that a lot of people who try to use both AMBOSS and UWorld never finish either Q-bank in its entirety, or don't really review the Q-bank adequately. I decided it was a better use of my time and money to review only one but really know it well.
A note on Anki
Anki is a powerful tool that can really help with your long term retention, but it is dangerous if used incorrectly. I suspect that many people who don't find Anki helpful simply don't use it effectively.
The purpose of Anki is spaced repetition. In order for this to work, you have to keep up with reviews and you can't pause cards. I also caution students I tutor to be cautious of relying solely on a premade Anki deck; I used the AnKing deck, as well as this deck and a home-brew deck at my medical school.
During M3 year, I would start each rotation with UWorld from day 1, and as I came across each concept in UWorld, I would do a search through my Anki cards and unpause all the cards that related to that topic (so, for instance, when I got a question about diverculitis, I would then unpause all the diverticulitis cards). I found that doing this ensured that the new Anki cards I was adding were reviews of concepts I had just studied (via UWorld), so I was able to both reinforce the new content via Anki and also ensure that the new Anki cards I was adding were concepts that I was actually familiar with. I recommended this approach over the one that I saw many classmates using (just unpausing all the cards tagged for a clerkship at the start of the clerkship and "raw dogging" them, as my friend put it). It's also a good way to keep your daily new cards (and thus, your reviews) at a manageable number. On a typical day in 3rd year, I added between 50-100 new cards and averaged 250-350 reviews daily. I was nearly always able to complete my reviews while I was at the hospital each day, leaving my home study time free for UWorld.
More on how to effectively use Anki
A note on staying sane and prioritizing high-yield content
As others have said, I think that the best way to do extremely well on Step 2 CK is to approach M3 as a yearlong dedicated period. Doing well on Step 2 is not just about your preparation for the Step 2 exam, but also your learning during each rotation and your preparation for your shelf exams. Even if you're not at all interested in a particular specialty, there is a lot to learn from each rotation that will be valuable to you as a future physician. Additionally, each specialty has its own way of approaching medical decision-making, and paying attention to these patterns of thought can help you to reason through questions on exams, as well as be a better communicator with physicians in each specialty when you become a resident and attending.
As you progress through 3rd year, there are also a few things that I think it's wise to keep in mind:

• Remember that you are a person first and a medical student/doctor second. I put this first because it's the most important. It's hard to learn when your basic needs aren't being met or you're so anxious, stressed, or depressed you can't remember anything. Find something that keeps you grounded and whole and sane and make that a priority. For me, it's distance running. I ran nearly every day of 3rd year and dedicated (often at 3 AM, before rounds). I finished 3 marathons during M3 and dedicated, including running the Boston Marathon 2 weeks before I took step 2. Running relieves anxiety, gives me an excuse to step away from studying, and evens out my mood. In total, I ran over 2500 miles during my M3 year. I don't think I would have done anywhere near as well in M3 without it.
• Get really, really good at preventive care. The US Preventive Services Task Force guidelines are highly tested on all shelf exams and on Step 2, and there really aren't that many of them. Before my family med rotation, I made an Anki deck of the A and B recommendations based on the most recent updates and kept those in rotation through Step 2 (about 150 cards total). If you're at the beginning of M3 year, (or really any point in M3) I would suggest doing this right now. Every time you see a patient in clinic, think about "what screening exams should this patient have". If you get in the habit of always doing this, by the time you get to the exam, those screening questions will be free points (and there are usually a bunch of them).
• Try to approach every patient encounter as though you are the sole physician responsible for that patient's care. Formulate your own plan independently of residents or attendings. Ask questions about all these things in your patient interview, and present the answers to your attending. You will learn more if you push yourself to try to think about management from the beginning of 3rd year rather than relying on plans from your residents.
• Pay attention to sensitivity and specificity of tests. This is becoming a bigger and bigger deal on NBMEs and Step 2. Knowing sensitivity and specificity can help you determine whether a given finding in a question stem is significant or not.
• Look up every imaging test and diagnostic procedure you come across, whether in clinic or on a practice exam. A good rule of thumb for whether you understand a test is "Do I know when this test is appropriate, when it is inappropriate, and could I explain it to a patient?". I had a surgery fellow pimp me on when to order an ERCP vs MRCP; this stuff is important because it prevents unnecessary testing and allows you to get the most "bang for your buck", both in terms of diagnostic accuracy and scoring points on the "next step" questions on exams.
• Pay attention to thresholds for follow-up observation vs treatment. If a patient has a AAA that's 3 cm, you do serial ultrasounds and watch it clinically; if it's 7 cm, you operate. Many, many conditions have similar thresholds, and you should look for the differences in how you manage a condition based on the thresholds. Sometimes this stuff is buried in the UWorld explanations, so when you see it, make a flash card or add it to your review.
• Know the USPSTF screening guidelines like the back of your hand. There aren't that many of them, and it's basically free points on every single shelf exam + step 2. Make a flash card deck with the most updated versions on day 1 and review it throughout 3rd year. Especially high yield on FM + IM, but they appear on every shelf.
• Think about what things a specialty "cares about" when you're rotating on that specialty.
  • OBGYN: gestational age, STI history/screening, social/fam Hx of risk factors for gyn cancers (breast, cervical, ovarian, endometrial).
  • Surgery: is the patient safe to take to surgery (comorbidities, heart failure, coagulopathies, meds, etc)? When is surgery indicated (i.e., do they have to go now, or can they wait)? Antibiotic prophylaxis (who needs it, and what antibiotics)? Post-op complications (the "5 W's", leaks, nearby structures that can be injured)? Normal post-op care/patient safety (DVT prophylaxis, catheter removal, infections, etc).
  • Peds: developmental milestones/normal development/growth curves, rashes (pediatricians love rashes), upper respiratory infections, stuff that gets treated differently in kids (ex. febrile UTI), neonatal hyperbilirubinemia (basically guaranteed to get at least one question on this on any peds exam)
  • IM: Preventive care/screening, vaccines, hypertension, diabetes, heart failure, ACS, liver failure/cirrhosis.
  • FM: IM + Peds + OBGYN, with a heavy focus on preventive screenings
  • Psych: Pay attention to timelines; think of every psych disease as a continuum (i.e., <1 mo = brief psychotic disorder, 1-6 mo = schizophreniform, 6+ = schizophrenia, schizophrenia + mood symptoms = schizophreniform). Find something that makes sense to you for the personality disorders (I personally mapped them all onto Harry Potter characters and now I will never have to re-learn them).
  • Neuro: Differentiating causes of stroke, multiple sclerosis, when to get an MRI (answer: always get an MRI in neuro), different types of dementia

Subject Review

This section is intended for those who are starting or still in the midst of M3 year. If you're already in dedicated, this section may be less useful.
For all rotations, my strategy was generally:

1. Complete the UWorld Shelf exam Q-bank with 1-2 weeks to spare
2. Make/unpause Anki cards as I worked through UWorld
3. Take timed NBME practice shelf exams regularly throughout the rotation(I sat down at the start of each rotation and planned these out every 1-2 weeks so they were evenly spaced throughout the rotation). Get through every practice exam by the end of the rotation. Doing them timed is important because it helps you to practice pacing. One 50-question exam at 90 seconds/ question = 75 minutes total. I also wrote down the diagnosis for each question so that when I reviewed the exam, I could see whether any wrong answers were a problem with making the wrong diagnosis vs knowing the next step. Doing the NBME shelf exams also gives you a good sense of what the "pet concepts" that tend to occur over and over are (for instance, SCFE vs Legg-Calve-Perthes comes up shockingly often)

Order of rotations:
I did my rotations in the order listed below and I really liked this order. I know many people advocate for finishing on Internal Medicine, but I was very glad I started with it, because I think it laid a strong foundation for everything else. As long as you have a solid strategy for reviewing the IM content continuously throughout the year, I think it's a smart choice for the first rotation, especially because basically every other shelf exam will have 5-10 IM questions on it.
Medicine
Resources: UWorld (IM shelf bank + 1/2 of Ambulatory), Case Files Internal Medicine (did ~50% of it), USPSTF A & B guidelines, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms"), Emma Holliday review
Advice: If you have free time 1-2 weeks before starting IM, get through as much of Case Files as you can. It lays a good base and helps you get into the mindset of IM. Once you start the rotation, crank through UWorld. I'd suggest trying to finish the UWorld Q's with 1-2 weeks to spare at the end of the clerkship in which you can review incorrects and/or shore up any weak areas.
Raw Score: 85
Neurology
Resources: UWorld, Case Files: Neurology, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms")
Advice: Case Files Neuro is a little in the weeds, but it will help a lot with some of the more off-the-wall pathologies that aren't really seen in the UWorld bank.
Raw Score: 90
Psychiatry
Resources: UWorld, Case Files: Psych, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms"). A lot of people swear by First Aid for the Psychiatry Clerkship; I didn't use it (but I think Case Files accomplished much the same purpose)
Advice: Pay attention to timelines + enjoy the psychation! This is the lightest rotation for most people. Take it in the summer if at all possible and enjoy the nice weather and free time. If you can, get it somewhere in the middle of 3rd year so you can have a little break.
Raw Score: 94
Family Medicine
Resources: UWorld (FM bank + 1/2 of ambulatory bank), Case Files: Family Med, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms"), USPSTF A & B guidelines, CDC vaccination schedules
Advice: Try to take FM after IM, if at all possible. DO NOT underestimate the family medicine shelf exam. It is the broadest shelf exam, and it's heavily weighted towards prevention, so plan your studying accordingly. Know the USPSTF guidelines and vaccine schedules like the back of your hand (this is at least 25-30% of the shelf exam).
Raw Score: 85
Surgery
Resources: UWorld (Surgery bank + EM bank), de Virgilio's Surgery, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms") for EM and Surgery, American College of Surgeons TEAM (Trauma Evaluation and Management) course book, Emma Holliday review
Advice: The surgery shelf exam focuses heavily on the pre- and post-surgical management of surgical patients, trauma assessment (hence the EM questions/CMS forms above), and knowing the indications for surgery. You will not be asked how to do a surgery on the shelf exam, but you will be expected to know when a surgery is indicated vs when medical management should be used instead (and also what that medical management is). De Virgilio's is a great and under-utilized resource that has a fantastic question bank at the end of each chapter. I would recommend reading at least the GI, vascular, breast, endocrine, and trauma sections (and honestly, as much of it as you have time for).
Raw Score: 85
Obstetrics and Gynecology
Resources: UWorld, Case Files: OBGYN, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms"), ACOG guidelines, UWise questions
Advice: OBGYN is all about timelines (at least, the OB part is). Pay attention to gestational age requirements for diagnosis of various conditions. Know the various labs that are used to diagnose Pre-eclampsia with severe features, and really pay attention to risk factors for the various obstetric complications. As one nurse midwife I worked with put it, "The biggest risk factor anything in L & D is usually a history of the same complication". I didn't really find the UWise Q-bank that useful, but if you have extra time, it's a nice source of extra practice questions, or a good way to reinforce any trouble spots.
Raw Score: 87
Pediatrics
Resources: UWorld, Case Files: Pediatrics, NBME practice shelf exams ("CMS forms"), CDC vaccination schedule, Emma Holliday review
Advice: Know the general trends of pediatric vital signs (what's normal for an adult is abnormal for most pediatric patients and vice versa), pay attention to rashes and dermatology, and review these as often as possible. It's well worth your time to do a good review of all the glycogen storage diseases, inborn errors of metabolism, lysosomal storage diseases, etc that you forgot after Step 1. For this reason, if you can do Peds as your last rotation before Step 2 it's kind of nice...then you only have to re-learn all this stuff once. This stuff is fair game for Step 2 (and I did personally get questions on it on my exam).
Raw Score: 91

Dedicated Study

I completed my first pass of UWorld during my M3 core rotations with an average of 74%. I did reset UWorld and begin a 2nd pass during dedicated, but I found that the questions repeated a lot of content that I knew well, and ultimately decided it wasn't a good use of my time. I only completed about 20% of my 2nd pass of UWorld with an average of 92%.
My main resources during dedicated were NBME practice exams (I did 8-14 timed), UWSAs, and the Free 120. I also listened to some Divine Intervention episodes on my runs and reviewed the Emma Holliday shelf exam reviews (I had previously listened to these during my M3 rotations). Of the podcasts, I found the Divine Intervention Free 120 review the most helpful, and would strongly recommend listening to those episodes after you take the Free 120. It did a lot to help me with some test taking strategies that I used on exam day.
General advice for dedicated:

• Keep on a regular sleep schedule, even on your days off. I went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 every day, because I wanted my schedule to be close to what I would need to do on test day.
• Take days off. I took at least 1/2 a day off every week. I also ran a major marathon 2 weeks before my test day, so that was a very light weekend in terms of studying.
• Keep exercising and doing things you enjoy. For me, this meant running a marathon (something I do regularly). You don't have to go as crazy as I did, but do something to get outside and stay active. It will help you keep the anxiety under control and see the sunlight every so often.
• Take practice exams regularly and spend plenty of time reviewing them. I made a google doc to keep track of incorrects and assigned each one to a category of "why I got it wrong" (i.e., "overthinking", "knowledge gap", "guessed wrong of 2", etc). This helps to identify trends. I found that I have a tendency to overthink questions, so identifying this helped me to address this weakness and gave me confidence to go with my gut instinct on the exam.
• Don't be afraid to adjust your study plan during dedicated. I started a 2nd pass of UWorld, but after about 2 weeks of dedicated, I felt like I wasn't really getting anything additional out of it and I was remembering too many of the questions from my 1st pass, so I just stopped using it. I spent that time on other resources instead (more practice exams). Take the time to really analyze which activities are actually helping your learning. Don't just do something because that's what everyone else is doing during their dedicated.
• Keep up with your review strategy. For me, this was Anki. I spent 2-4 hours every morning during dedicated doing Anki. At times, I worried that this was too much time on Anki, but part of what makes Step 2 (and all USMLE exams) challenging is the sheer breadth of content. The best way to prep for this is to keep consistent with your review strategy.
• If there's a concept you dread seeing in a question stem, STOP, do not pass Go, do not collect $20. Take a second to go to a primary source (UpToDate, a textbook) and review that content. Make some flash cards and review it regularly.
• Practice your timing. I came up with my exam day break strategy at the start of my dedicated, and every time I took a practice exam, I practiced my break strategy (at least, the first 5 blocks of my break strategy). This made it very easy for me to execute on test day because I was already used to doing 5 blocks in a row exactly this way. I took my lunch break after block 5 instead of block 4 (because I liked the psychological factor of knowing the exam was more than halfway done). Coming back for 3 more was no problem on test day.

My practice exam scores:
CCSE: 254 (my school requires this, and it was given a few days after the final shelf exam, right at the start of my dedicated period)
NBME 9 (30 days out) 269
NBME 10 (21 days out) 268
NBME 11 (18 days out) 262
NBME 12 (15 days out) 251
NBME 13 (7 days out) 264
NBME 14 (2 days out) 264
UWSA 1 (25 days out) 254
UWSA 2 (9 days out) 268
UWSA 3 (5 days out) 266
New Free 120 (3 days out) 85%
Predicted score: 265

The Day Before

Just take a break, for the love of all that is good. I went for a run, watched some old TV, read for fun, had a nice pasta dinner, and tried to go to bed early. Laid out everything I needed (lucky t-shirt, snacks, testing permit, ID, keys, etc).
Of course, I ended up tossing and turning most of the night and slept very poorly. When I woke up, I considered trying to postpone my test, but ultimately I decided I just wanted it over and done with and I wasn't willing to wait any longer. My point here is that even if you have anxiety and/or a single bad night of sleep before the exam, you can still do very well if you've done the work. As we say in the marathon world, trust your training.

The Test

Got to the testing center 45 minutes early. Made sure the last thing I did before going through security was to take a bathroom break. Brought plenty of snacks, headache medication, chocolate, and a healthy and delicious lunch (I think there's some psychological power in knowing you have a delicious lunch awaiting you).
During the exam, I took a break of at least 5 min after every block. Personally, I found the mental break was extremely helpful. On the whole, I found the exam to be quite reasonable.
Step 2 CK: 277
My last piece of advice will be that I think doing well throughout third year is the best thing you can do. If you've had a break after 3rd year or you are an IMG or someone coming from a non-traditional program, doing a thorough content review with the CMS forms before starting Step 2 specific practice exams is a good idea.
Ultimately, I think the most important things are:
1.) Choosing a FEW, QUALITY resources to review
2.) Continuing your ACTIVE, CONTINUOUS review strategy
3.) Keeping a consistent schedule with time for sleep, healthy eating, exercise, and something you find fun (ideally something other than TV).
4.) Staying off Reddit. Really, I mean it. Especially during dedicated, it's just a black hole of anxiety and angst and you should avoid it at all costs. Come back after you get your amazing scores and pay it forward to others.

More than a month ago, I quit being a nightcrawler in a city down south. It wasn't because I didn't like the job. It was pretty enjoyable. I didn't mind the late nights. I'm a night owl. Besides that, I'm somewhat of a degenerate that the crime scenes didn't affect me. I'm not bragging about that. It is what it is. But, ever since I ran from it, I can feel something slowly creeping back into my life. Something's changed. I've seen it at my new job. I don't want it to be this way, so maybe if I get it off my chest it will go away. Or maybe one of you here knows what I'm talking about. Let me explain.
For those who don't know, a nightcrawler is a term made popular by the Jake Gyllenhaal movie of the same name. The way I made money was by spending nights listening to the police scanners and waiting. When something went down: a murder, a car crash, you name it, I was the first one at the scene. I had to be. If I didn't get the shot, I didn't get paid. So, I was a first responder in a way, but my role was strictly observational. I did NOT get involved, and for good reason.
I'll spare you the details, but I've seen some pretty gruesome stuff. Nothing like New York or Los Angeles, but there was still a crime problem, and there was a lot of it. I was happy to make money as a young guy with no degree and no connections. I also felt like I was pretty good at it too. The local assignment editors would hit me up asking if I had anything new.
The night that ended my career was quiet. Like every evening, I was sitting on the hood of my 2015 Impala listening to the airwaves. I had made an abandoned mall parking lot my base of operations. It allowed me to focus. The scanner was tame. Chatter was a minimum between the dispatchers. Weekends could be slow, but I remember thinking it was odd how quiet it was. I hadn't shot anything all that week, and I was strapped for cash. The last thing I had sold was a head-on collision between two drivers. It hadn't been my most explicit shot, but it had gotten the job done. Still, I didn't get residuals if it played for consecutive nights.
I got off the hood of my car and began to pace. The silence was killing me. I couldn't sit still, and I knew if I did I would end up driving aimlessly around. I never did that since you never knew where an event would happen. The channels in my area were always reliable, but not this night. I needed to search for other channels.
Lots of static came through as I twisted the knob. I went end to end on the frequencies. I even tried to see if I could get the next county over, but there was nothing. It was looking like I was going to have to end the night. I hated going home before the sun was up, but what could I do? I knew if I was desperate I wouldn't get what I wanted, so I decided to call it.
As I approached the driver's door, a loud bang echoed through the night. I knew it was a gunshot. I'd heard them up close before. I waited a moment to see if there were any others. As soon as it went quiet, I flipped on the main police frequency.
"331 calling all units. 331 calling all units."
An all-unit call meant the shooting was of high importance. I thought it was strange since it was only the one gunshot fired, but what did I know?
"331 this is squad 271, over."
"271 possible 10-91 reported at Beverly and Overton, what's your status?"
10-91 confirmed the shooting. At the sound of that, I ripped open the driver's door and started the ignition. Beverly and Overton; it was close. Probably 15 minutes with the way I drive. My nocturnal business had helped me indicate which streets had red light cameras. I could be there in less than five minutes. I shut the scanner off and shifted into drive.
I arrived at the location to find it empty. There wasn't a soul in sight. Not unusual for this time of night or this part of town. I thought they might've misreported it, but I knew that wasn't the case.
I parked on the side of the road and prepared. I pulled out my camera, checked battery life, and white balanced. I began to survey the area panning from behind to front. Sometimes, I'm able to see better through the camera. I tend to pick up things easier whether I can zoom or brighten the view. As I came around the front, I finally saw it. My thumb instinctively hit record.
There was a body, about 10 yards in the distance. I hadn't seen it when I first arrived because it was in all black - a suit from what I could tell. It was lying halfway in the bushes on the sidewalk. As I held the shot on it, I watched the wind ruffle the fabric. I felt my free hand reach for the door handle but froze. The leg in the street stretched out.
It was alive. I'd never captured anything like this before. I just sat and let the camera roll. I'd get paid well for this one. I could see the dollar signs. The stations would eat it up. My mind fell into the bliss of finally having a paycheck again. I could feel my shoulders fall. I sank back into my car's cloth seats.
Bang! Bang! Bang! A fist hit against my door's window. I jumped and looked over. A woman, in a red dress and streaky makeup, was staring at me. She looked worn out like she'd run a marathon. Her voice was muffled as she kept screaming for me to turn the camera off. I didn't recognize I had it pointed at her. Old habits. At first, I didn't think to put it away, but then I noticed her gun. It wasn't aimed, but I lowered the camera. I rolled down my window to hear her better.
"I need your help!" she shouted.
"Cops are on the way," I said.
"You don't understand. They can't help."
"They can. Just let them do their job," I said. She gripped the snub-nosed revolver in her hand so tight her knuckles were white. I might have seemed a little too calm here, but this is just how I remember it. In the corner of my eye, the red light was still lit on the camera. It was going to be one helluva shot.
"He's not going to die from this," she said and waved the gun.
"Are you sure?"
"Unless you run him over."
I was speechless.
"Please," she said. Her voice softened. "I need you."
"W-what?"
"He's not a man. He's - something else."
Clearly, this woman was out of her mind. The two of them had probably gotten high on some pills or something, and now she was having a psychotic break. It sounded more plausible than the man being something else. I knew I had to keep calm and try my best to keep myself out of trouble.
"I think you should wait for the police," I said. I gently released the camera and let it fall into my crotch. I didn't make a move for the gear shifter, but I was preparing. It seemed like the barrel of the gun was coming my way.
"Please," she begged. "It can't live."
I should've driven off, but I didn't. I wished I could've helped her. For a moment, I thought about letting her sit in the car. But that thought died to my selfish need for survival. I wasn't getting involved. I couldn't break my rules.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I can't help you. I shouldn't even be here." I said. My hand crept to the gear shifter. My foot hovered over the gas pedal. Click. The woman raised the gun to my head.
"Get out," she demanded. I immediately raised my hands.
She came over to the door and pulled the handle. It was locked. I never unlocked my doors unless I was leaving the car. I'd been carjacked before. She tried to force it open, but it was not happening. I remained motionless.
"I will shoot you! I'm not afraid!" I watched as the barrel met my direct line of sight. The darkness was deep down the nozzle. I could see each of the bullets in their chambers and the one empty pocket. I understood that my miserable life could be ended right here. I would be shot by some random, unhinged woman. Seemed like a fitting end, but that was halted by flashing red and blue lights.
The woman turned to the police. I heard a shout while she raised her weapon. A barrage of gunfire was unleashed. Soon she was on the floor. Somehow my camera had made it back to my hand. I captured the whole thing.
The police rushed up to the woman and began assisting her. One shouted at me to see if I was okay, but I pointed at the body in the distance. I panned to see if he was still there, and he was. However, he was standing. He looked normal like he hadn't been shot, but there was something sinister on his face. I don't know if it was in his smile or his eyes, but the way he was staring at me - gave me the creeps. He knew I was watching, and he seemed happy I was. As we held each other's eyesight, his eyes flashed red. I'm not kidding, and It wasn't from the police lights. His eyes literally glowed bright red.
The cop banged my open window with his flashlight I looked over with the camera.
"Step out of the car!" He said. He was a heavy-set guy with a big beard. No gun was pulled, but he didn't look too happy.
"You have to help him." I pointed over to the man standing and smiling. The cop looked over. He looked back.
"Are you high? Get out of the car!"
You probably saw that one coming.
But still, imagine my shock when I panned over once more to find that the smiling man was gone. The area was empty. The cop opened my door from the inside.
The two officers interrogated me. They took my camera, searched my interior, and breathalyzed me. They weren't sure if I was a dealer or this woman's pimp. After telling them everything, and then checking the video, they sent me on my way home. They kept my camera obviously. On any other night, I would've been upset, but I knew this was my last.
The next week I moved. I surprisingly found a job as an archivist at a newsroom. It's simple and boring, but I operate the same hours as before. It's steady, which I'm thankful for, but it's gotten strange. Sometimes I'll see some footage that I thought was mine and it makes me chuckle. But I'm beginning to worry. I've been seeing the smiling man.
At first, I thought it was just hallucinations from the long hours. Nope. He's in all the videos. The cameramen don't notice him, but I do. I even brought one of my colleagues to see, and he confirmed. I have photos on my phone as well. The smiling man is there wearing the same black suit as the night I saw him.
He's at every crime scene and he's always smiling - always watching. I've done my best to not watch the videos because I can't stand to look at his face. One day coming home from work, I thought I saw him in my reflection. I'm beginning to believe the woman. He's not a person. He's something else.

So, have you been watching the news and a familiar name come up? I've had 2 former students make the local news.
The first was a boy on my Boys' Athletic Late Run. His senior year, he had a gf he was madly in love with. He was going to marry her, he told the other boys. Two years later he's on the news for "trafficking" (better known to us oldies as pimping) out his gf at the Motel 6.
The other was this emo boy, atheist, wore a pentagram necklace and black bondage pants. About a year after graduating, he was arrested for exposing himself to multiple women in the park near his house.

I forget when I watched this movie, but I believe it was sometime in 2019, if not, then really early 2020. I watched it on Xumo TV, which is a streaming service that has channels set up like pay television. I watched it on the Xumo Free Movies channel, which, if I am correct, specializes in airing independent films. I watched it at like 4:00 am with the volume all the way down, (I know this might sound like a creepypasta, but I promise this is totally true). Waking up in the middle of the night and watching YouTube and/or TV till 4 or 5 am was something I did pretty often when I was 12 or so, which was how old I was when I saw this film.
So, anyway, let's actually talk about the movie. I don't know at what point in the film I started watching since it had already began when I tuned in, but the main character (who was Latino) was sitting at a TV next to another person (who was black). I mention their races because there was this one exchange between them where the Latino character asks the black guy to change the channel, and the black person responds with something like "do it yourself, I'm not your n*****" (with a hard r). Anyway, the main Latino character tunes into a news report that a gang (who I guess was already established and important earlier in the film), had kidnapped his sister, so he goes out hunting for the gang to rescue her. A long chase sequence then occurs featuring the main man chasing after gang members as he tries to make his way to their secret hideout or something. The scene was actually pretty intense. I remember the main character jumping super far from one building to another. He jumped in slow motion and I actually felt relieved that he made it onto the other building safely (although in real life that jump would probably be impossible). I also remember gang members riding in cars shooting machine guns from the top, but that might be part of a different scene that I'm mistaking for this one.
So the main character breaks into the gang's secret hideout and fights his way through goons to free his sister. The sister is also a badass action hero, and fights her way through the gangsters alongside her brother. I also think the scene where the main hero chases the gangsters to their hideout was intercut with a scene of the sister trying to escape the gangsters, but I'm not sure. The scene calms down and something (I forget what) happens that causes the goons to stop fighting and the heroes walk through the crowd of enemies cautiously. The sister sees a gang member who she particularly hates I guess (I think he was bald), and she takes her panties off and forces him to eat them. They then leave safely. Also at some point either before or after these scenes, I'm pretty sure there was a scene where the main mob boss talks with some higher-level goons about the main characters. I think he says something about "pretty powerful soap", which I guess is some kind of drug, and even mentions a persons name. The person I think is one of the gangsters he's talking to or another gangster close to him, his name was B-12 or B-2 or something along those lines, obviously a fake name. The main character and his sister I'm pretty sure had their names mentioned, but I forget them.
After this, the movie cuts to some point in the future, with words like "12 months later" or some other length of time, appearing on the screen, implying that what we just saw was a prologue or flashback, or this new scene was an epilogue or simply cutting to where the story continues. Then a car pulls up and out comes two men. I think they were our main character and a new person wearing a pimp suit. I forget most of the details, but the following scene had something to do with the main character trying to stop a casino heist? I also remember some large object falling through the air vents of the casino, and I'm pretty sure it was a casino that the scene revolved around. I forget most of what happened though, it didn't really seem connected to the events I just watched. I stopped watching the film during this scene because it was now around the time that I would normally wake up and start my day.
The film had very good visual quality so I'm doubting it was that old, probably late 2000s at the earliest. I'm also pretty certain the film was in Spanish or Portuguese. I can't know for certain (as I stated it was late at night and I didn't want to wake my parents so I watched the film on mute), however basically every character was Latin, and the film was very clearly set somewhere in Latin America, and there were also English subtitles. And since the Xumo channel I watched it on specializes in independent films, I'm assuming this movie was independent. However, it couldn't be that obscure outside of its home country considering the English subtitles. Those could have been added by Xumo, but maybe those pointed to some kind of formal release in the English speaking world.
tl;dr, I'm looking for an independent Latin American foreign language action movie featuring a character named B-12, B-2 or something along those line that aired on the Free Movies channel on Xumo.

I am not the OP. That is u/No_Chrysler-4-Me. Originally posted on EntitledPeople and pettyrevenge.
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There are two previous BORUs I posted last year:
First Post Jan 8, 2023
Second Post Jan 8, 2023
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Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence
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Editor's Note: THIS IS VERY LONG! OP posts a lot about his family. I will include links to other posts at the bottom of this BORU, but I will keep this post focused on the brother and OP.
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TL;DR of the above BORUs: OP's older brother is lazy and a cheapskate. OP bought a truck, an '03 Toyota Tundra. Brother gets jealous and buys a 01 Dodge Ram 1500, but it's crap. OP tries to help brother fix up the truck despite warning him not to buy it. Once it was running a little better, brother challenges OP to a race. Brother loses and becomes obsessed with practicing racing, ruining the truck further. Eventually they go camping, have more shenanigans, brother finally blows the transmission. Brother has to drive his ex-girlfriend's minivan, which he hates, tries to LS Swap the Ram, but no one will lend him the money. He eventually sells it. Brother doesn't stop there. He NEEDS a truck, so he has the brilliant idea of chopping the minivan up to make it into a truck. He needs money to Frankenstein the minivan, no one will pay, but eventually he cuts it up, uses recycled wood to make the truck bed, etc. He calls it the "Mini-Ram."
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My brother sold the Mini-Ram and got a Silverado. That was fine. It's what happened after that made things worse May 5, 2024
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I've been gone for some time. But I'm back with a bad one. I've spoken before about how my older brother competed with me needlessly. And he did a lot of beyond stupid shit. Well he finally pushed the whole family over the edge, and got disowned. And I'm going to be explaining a lot of what happened the past year, and then some from before that. But it's too long for one post.
Well going back more than a year. Some may remember my brother getting a free minivan from his ex after the Dodge Ram truck I warned him not to buy became a moneypit. I helped him work on that truck and even repaint it. And I helped him remodel his camper trailer too. Why? Because he's my brother. And I guess some part of me deep down kept hoping he'd one day change. But he tried to take credit for things I did. Especially with remodeling the camper. And he had tantrums when called out on his lies. He also became temporarily obsessed with my truck, and even implied he'd just take it from me because he hated driving a minivan. He referred to it as a chick car. He acted like a complete child because I refused to trade vehicles, and even got our parents involved. It was just a really stupid and needless situation that my brother tried to make a hill to die on.
It started when my brother bought his Dodge Ram simply because I bought a Toyota Tundra. He had a perfectly running Subaru Baja before that. Then he said he wanted a man's truck and bought the worst barely running pile he could find that was also overpriced considering the condition. He could have at least aimed for a diesel since he wanted a dodge so bad. Lots of dumb shit happened after that. Including my brother wanting to LS swap the Ram after destroying it's engine and two transmissions. But I'm pretty sure the person who offered to do the LS swap for him was a scammer. Not to mention LS swapping any vehicle basically means replacing the ECU. But it never happened anyway since the engine and transmission my brother wanted sold before he could get them. And he had no running vehicle anymore. So my brother's ex, whom he has a young child with, gave him her old 90s Ford Windstar van. It was admittedly an ugly, dent riddled POS with the rear window busted out. But it still ran and drove surprisingly well, considering that's not one of Ford's better vehicles. And then my brother decided to cut it up into some sort of van/truck. Or a ute as they're called in some places. But he made this thing ugly. Lots of spray foam, recycled wood, and rattle can paint. Even mismatched sub-lights above the cab. He frequently raided the junkyard for parts. And he even glued a Ram badge onto the grill of that van/truck. He called it the Mini-Ram. Lots of stupid cheap mods done to that vehicle too. Someone once asked me how ugly the Mini-Ram was on a scale of 1 to 1000. And I said about a 667.
My brother did a lot of other dumb things in this time. Like following me camping just to piss me off. He was a general leech who stole power from my generator, and tried to steal beer from my camper fridge repeatedly. He was so brazen as to just walk right in, and then tried to pretend to be so drunk he didn't realize what he was doing when caught. I've spoken many times about how he stole booze from me. Until my friends and I revenge pranked him and his near equally douchey friends with a growler full of laxative tainted beer. We admittedly used way too much laxative. But my brother never stole from me again because I threatened to tell everyone about his humiliation. He crapped on his own shoes squatting in the woods. And that's just a bit of it.
Eventually my brother seemed to learn his lesson. He sold the Mini-Ram to someone who actually paid him well for it. And no, I don't know what they did with it. And I don't care. But, when the 2K he sold the Mini-Ram for was combined with his savings, my brother had a bit over 4.5K to buy a better vehicle with. And he spotted a 99 RWD Silverado truck with an extended cab for sale online. He really shouldn't have sold his only method of transportation before having a replacement vehicle ready. But I couldn't fault him for taking the deal when presented, considering what he sold. And as much as my brother annoyed me, I still cared about him enough to help. He showed up begging me to drive him over 60 miles to look at this truck he found on Market Place.
So I reluctantly drove him out to see this truck. It wasn't that bad actually. Save for the rough mismatched paint, the rusty hood, the dents, the cracked windshield, and.... Actually, I guess it was kinda that bad. But not compared to the clapped out Ram my brother bought previously. The Silverado had a manual transmission, which we both confirmed shifted great as the records showed it had been rebuilt a few years before. The engine had been swapped at one time too. So it was kinda hard to gauge the odometer as it had not been rolled back for the new engine. It was at about 350.000 miles, but those numbers don't really mean jack when the engine and tranny have been replaced or rebuilt. Admittedly the engine ran like a top. The tires on the truck were in pretty damn good shape too. And on steel rims. Which I like. Very practical. I asked my brother if this was the manly kind of truck he'd been looking for. And for once he spoke logically and said that he'd rather have this than risk what happened with the Ram again. Fair enough. Besides, Chevy trucks are cool and reliable. I've always liked them. Like a rock as they say.
My brother and I scrutinized this truck in detail like a pair of pawn brokers, and talked the price down to 3K. They wanted 4K. But we could hear a sound while test driving it that was either bad ball joints or wheel bearings. We jacked up the wheels, and the bearings felt and sounded fine. But the ball joints were pretty bad. And that's not a cheap fix unless you can do it yourself. The truck was owned by the seller's father, who'd passed away a year prior. So the guy took 3K for it after we listed the problems. After driving it back, I insisted my brother get the truck to a mechanic ASAP. And he listened that time. The mechanic said the ball joints were about to come apart, and it's have caused a very bad situation if they had. And it cost him a grand to get them replaced. The truck also needed new plates ant the title registered. Which ate up a lot of the remaining budget. Then came the paint. My brother wanted the Silverado painted black right away. I told him to wait. But he didn't listen and DIY'd some body work, and then rattle-canned it with Rustolium turbo cans. The paint was full of orange peel, and overspray. He didn't even use primer. And the truck looked kinda mediocre. Then the southern weather had at it. Already numerous chips, scrapes and fades. Whatever. I stopped caring.
You'd think that'd be the end of this part. But no. There's more. What's behind door number 3? If you guessed a dumbass with a knife stuck in his ass. Then you'd win the gold! Yeah that's right. My brother got a knife in his ass.... How? How else... He and his friends all got high and decided they were gonna go outside and build a fort in the back yard of the house they rent out of scrap they found laying around. My brother while stoned wanted to show off how he can flip out a butterfly knife really fast, and decided he was gonna act like he was in an action movie, and did some sort of stupid thing where he was running and flipping out the knife really fast. The ground was wet, he slipped, and somehow got the knife in his right butt-cheek. They called me to come take him to the hospital because they were all too stoned to drive. I had to lay my brother down in the bed of my truck on a mattress because we were too scared to pull the knife out, and I drove him to the hospital like that. They rushed him in, and thankfully he only needed about 5 stiches on his butt and some antibiotics. Then I drove him back home the same way, and he insisted I take him to a drive through. He also tried to get me to pay, because...reasons! I told him to buy his own damn food.
After that there was more dumb BS that I won't bother getting into. But eventually my brother was seemingly getting bett...er...less bad. He was a bit sore his Silverado wasn't a 4X4, and my Tundra is. But being RWD kept him from trying to take it off-roading. He did try once, and had to pull the truck out of mud with a come-along. And he didn't try it again. He did want to drag race my truck again too. I said hell no. Not gonna risk either of our piles breaking down. And he was a complete douche about that too. I told him to stop acting like his dick was bigger than it is, and act his age. He didn't take that well. But he seemingly really was improving. Even being a much better dad to his daughter. Things got pretty good for him. Until I decided to buy a house. That's when the serious drama started.
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My entitled brother threw a massive fit, just because he was mad I bought a house May 6, 2024
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Yeah, I'm aware of several similar stories involving entitled family members wanting houses they have no claim to. But I guess this shit really happens. And it's no picnic when it does.
I suddenly became a homeowner some time ago because friend of mine's grandfather was moving to Florida. And his house was ripe for picking. I knew the old man well. RIP, he passed a few months later from a sudden stroke. Anyway, he offered the house and property to me for 200K. I practically ran to the bank to apply for the loan. The house is a manufactured home from the 80s. But it was remodeled repeatedly by the former owner, and has a separate garage building. The home and property could have gone for more. But he offered the house to me because he knew I'd take care of it. I had 30K saved that made a good down payment. And I was happy to leave my apartment. I'd wanted to eventually move out of there after what my cheating ex did anyway. But that's a story for another time.
As for my brother. Well he went bonkers when he found out I bought a house. He had this repeated history of copycatting me for the past decade. But this... There was no way in hell he could copycat buying a house with his terrible credit and inconsistent income. And he got in an argument with me over how I was just trying to make him look bad by doing something he couldn't. No, I just wanted a damn house. And the price was too good to refuse. Then he told me I should have turned it down because...(He had no good reason) I could practically see his screws getting looser with every dumbass excuse he made as to why I shouldn't have done it. But I pointed out all those excuses were just because I did something he currently can't. And when I bought the house, it had nothing to do with him. I just wanted to be a home owner for the security and extra space. I finally don't have to store my camper at my parents' house. And I have a garage that I can store stuff and tinker in.
I bought a camping cot, he bought a camping cot, went to the gym, he went to the gym, bought good booze, he bought good booze (Or stole it from me), I bought a new TV, be bought a new TV, I bought a truck, he bought a truck, I bought a camper, he bought a camper, I bought a used portable DVD player, he bought a used portable DVD player, I went camping in a specific place, he went camping in that specific place, I bought a house, he...(404 Error! Insert tea kettle noises and Benny Hill chase). He also acted like a complete child toward me when he built his Mini-Ram thing. He actually confronted me and said it was keweler than my boring Tundra, because it was something original. I swear, he did the dumbest mods to that vehicle. Like putting twist studs in the suspension coils to raise the ride height.
Well after weeks of openly fuming about me being a home owner, my brother suddenly acted like he had another brilliant idea. He wanted to move in with me. I laughed at him. Then he ended up demanding I rent one of my rooms to him. And for only $200 a month (Utilities included) because he shouldn't have to pay any more than that since we're family. He flipped his lid when I said fuck no! Then he got our parents involved again. Only this time they actually sided with him at first. Though it was mainly our mother. She and my brother showed up demanding I let my brother move in. And my brother had a shit eating grin on his face that I could tell he was thinking he was getting his way thanks to mommy dearest. I said "FUCK NO!" to both their faces, and my mother cried that I was using foul language to her and being an ass when I had the space now. I called my dad, and he told my mom that he'd warned her I wouldn't do it. And to leave me the hell alone. Mom whined my brother was living out of his camper next to a shabby house he was renting space from. I said that wasn't my problem to fix. And my brother has proven countless times that he cannot be trusted. My brother was fuming to the point of being red with veins popping out. My mom tried one more time to convince me with tears. And that just made me angrier.
I went on a rant that was something like this. Bro can't buy a house, so he wanted to invade mine. I refuse to ever live with my brother again. I would sooner live in the woods without electricity than with him. He's intentionally irritating as all hell. And if I had him as a roommate, I just knew he'd steal my booze, take my stuff, and invade my privacy none-stop. Not. Fucking. HAPPENING! No matter how many tears mom tries using on me. My mom broke down and finally conceded she'd never convince me after that rant. And she had to take my brother by the hand and leave with him because he initially refused to go, and kept begging her to turn back and make me let him move in. And then I yelled to him that it was a laugh that he called me a mama's boy before. Because he'd become exactly that. And this was just like the time he tried to get our mother to make me trade vehicles with him because he felt ashamed to be driving a minivan. He yanked away from mom, then told me to go fuck myself and the horse I rode in on. I laughed and pointed out I didn't ride in on anything, because I was already home. But his rattlecan horse was waiting for him in the driveway. He flipped his lid again, and looked like his head was going to explode. But mom got in front of him, and told him to just go. Then he drove off in his rattlecan Silverado without her. He'd driven her there. And then I had to take her home.
While taking her home, I made things very clear with my mother over why I could never trust my brother again. And his life was not my burden to bear. And then told her how little my brother was offering for rent anyway. Which he'd conveniently not told her. Then I later rented that same room to one of my best friends for $600 a month, and he pays for utilities. The other two rooms are my bedroom and a home office. There's an extra room in the separate garage too. So my mother tried to make me let my brother live in the garage instead. There's enough room in it's storage room for a bedroom. Again I said fuck no. And that's since been turned into another friend's rented room with a bit of a plywood remodel. Yeah, I kinda rented both the spare bedroom and garage room out to friends out of spite. But I wasn't letting my brother live with me in any capacity!
My brother later ended up having a complete meltdown in front of our parents over how he's the older brother. He should be the one who owns a house first. He's supposed to be successful, and I'm supposed to be the big loser in his shadow. Our dad poked him with his cane and told him that's not how life works, and they had a big argument. They told him to get out and not come back until he's cooled off and learned that he's just being a pointlessly jealous asshole.
The next part I post, my brother did the dumbest thing of all.
Edit: I came home late to over 600 comments, and still more pouring in. Far too many for me to answer. So I'll clear some things up here. Yes, I am no contact with my brother. And he's NC with the rest of the family as well. I do have cameras inside and outside my home. And a dash cam too. My brother knows this, and has stayed the fuck away since he left town. I'm told I'm an asshole too. Not arguing that, because it's true. I'm not exactly the nicest guy. But have someone like my brother in your life, and see how peachy you turn out.
Some have mentioned to having siblings just like my brother. Sadly I know very well people like him are increasingly common these days. My dad said a number of times that my brother probably would have ended up dead in an alley if he lived here 50 years ago with the way he behaves. As for our ages. I'm 30, and my brother is 32. I have not given my parents a spare key to my house. One is with a friend, and another is very cleverly hidden.
My house is a manufactured home. But it's not in a trailer park, and has been significantly modified with new siding and a new roof, and has a separate garage building. The previous owner was a former general contractor, and he loved to build and repair. And yes, I do have good insurance.
I keep seeing comments about a clock radio. Pardon me for not getting the reference. But I do own a digital alarm clock that has a built in CD player. Currently plays Tina Turner's Proud Mary to wake me up.
My brother and I were raised pretty evenly. He was always a jerk. But went full asshole after moving out. But our mother didn't favor him. She chewed him out plenty. And she didn't normally side with his stupidity. She just wanted him to live in a better place than in a camper next to a house filled with potheads. Addition: My brother willingly moved into that camper. He was renting half a room in that house of potheads. Then convinced the landlord to let him live in his camper on the property for the same price instead. And he bragged about his camper a lot. Which he has a full gaming center in, complete with PlayStation. He only wanted to invade my house to piss me off and make his cost of living even lower. He also doesn't like camping nearly as much as me. He mainly liked just pissing me off by following me. He loved to make me miserable. In fact, he felt entitled to make me miserable. That's the kind of person he is.
Do I have a restraining order against my brother? Not really. Just didn't bother. Because even if I did, it'd only be for like a year. And my brother wouldn't let something like that stop him if he was truly determined anyway.
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My entitled brother lost his mind and attacked me, his ex, and our father. That got him disowned by the family. But not before I beat the crap out of him May 8, 2024
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Warning: Contains domestic violence, small town drama, and idiocy. Read at own risk.
My brother's major downhill spiral started with jealousy over my house, but only got worse thanks to this next part. He started smoking pot more heavily and drinking harder. And that was making him more aggressive and violent. He got in a brawl outside of a bar for reasons I still don't know. But he got his ass handed to him on a platter. He eventually found out his ex has been seeing someone else. And ironically that someone is another friend of mine. Which was news to me. But it's not like he wasn't around my brother's ex a fair bit. They're both fairly social people, and were also friends for years. Once the secret was out, he confessed to me it wasn't planned. But my brother's ex Sara (Fake name) and my friend just clicked one day about a year ago. This sorta thing can only happen in a town like ours. I admit, Sara is very beautiful. But I've always seen her as a big sister figure ever since she started dating my brother in high school. So I never thought of getting with her myself. She kept her new boyfriend a secret for some time. I didn't even know until someone else spilled the beans. And the word traveled. When my brother found out, that was the last he could mentally take.
My brother was hoping for years that Sara would take him back. But no such luck there. When he lost his mind over the fact my friend was dating Sara, he started hunting for the poor guy. My friend is not a fighter, and a self described beanpole. So that's what I'll call him. Sara seems to like Beanpole because he's everything my brother is not. He isn't really a brave person. And came to me when he found out my brother was looking for him. He has a rather distinctively painted car. So it's easy to spot. My brother caught wind Beanpole was at my place, and came roaring his truck down the street.
When my brother showed up to my house, he started screaming and banging on my door because he wanted to kick Beanpole's ass. And when I refused to let him in, he attacked me. We had a redneck brawl right there in my front lawn. I want to say I won. But the fight only stopped when one of my friend/tenants yelled he was gonna call the cops. I sucker-punched my brother while he was distracted, and told him to never come back to my house again. And if he ever tried to hurt Beanpole again, I'd make sure he'd up in the hospital with two broken legs. This was backed by the other friends/tenants I had there. My brother is an idiot. But even he knew that pissing off my entire friend group was not a good idea. So he picked himself up off the ground and started leaving. But he clearly looked like he wanted to do something to my truck because he stopped and just stood there staring at it with his hands in his pockets, like he was debating scratching the paint with his keys. I yelled at him that I have CCTV. But then he turned around, pulled his pants part way down, and started rubbing his ass directly onto my truck's passenger side door. Then he forced out a nasty fart and said he sharted a little, and laughed like a nutbar when he took off. I immediately got the hose. I'm just glad I didn't leave windows open or doors unlocked. Otherwise he'd have done far worse. And the smell of what he did was pretty much what you'd think.
Everyone already knew Sara was never going to take him back. She avoided dating for years because my brother is so unhinged that she knew he'd do something like this. That's why she and her new boyfriend kept it secret. I went to ice my bruises and call Sara. But my brother was already calling and texting her. Over and over again, he wouldn't stop. He was begging she break up with her boyfriend and take him back. He even said he wanted to marry her and move to the northwest. Not sure why he specified that part of the US. Maybe because we live in the southeast. But she flatly told him no, never again, not happening even if hell froze over. He cried that it wasn't fair, because she was his first love (she wasn't), and they have a daughter together. Then he started sending her flowers, love letters and gifts. She sent them all back. Then she announced online that she and Beanpole had been dating for some time, and recently made plans to eventually move in together. That's when my brother really went off the deep end.
A few hours after he saw that post, my brother got wasted and then barged into Sara's parents' house by body ramming the back door. He actually cut his face because the door had a glass window. But he was so drunk that he didn't notice he was bleeding. Sara understandably freaked out, and my brother grabbed and tried to force her to kiss him. She pushed him away and he hit her for refusing him. He slapped her and threw her to the floor really hard like an angry pimp wanting his money. And his daughter saw it all and started screaming at the top of her lungs. Sara screamed too, and my brother fled. Police were called, and Sara was taken to the hospital. My brother threw her down so hard that she had a dislocated shoulder. My brother was found by police at his camper, where he was even more drunk than before, and half his face was covered in blood. He had to be taken to the hospital, where he got stitches. Then taken to jail. He got charged with trespassing, breaking and entering, and assault. (Surprisingly not DUI too, as he'd actually walked there) When our parents and I found out, well the family finally couldn't take it anymore, and went into an uproar. Our parents had it out with my brother after he bailed himself out from jail, and then he tried to fight our dad when they argued. And no surprise, he tried to blame everything on me.
My brother actually said I let Beanpole steal his woman. But couldn't really explain how. He also refused to believe I did not know until recently. Then he said that Sara was supposed to be his. Dad not only disagreed, but told my brother that he was a fucking disgrace, and that was an absolutely disgusting way to talk about Sara. She's not his property. And then my brother shoved dad as hard as he could. Dad got knocked to the floor, and my brother started kicking him. Dad isn't a small man. But he's old with a bad back and a bad knee. And needs a cane just to get around. Since we knew my brother would only have gotten crazier if he saw me, I was hiding in another room with the door cracked and listening in. I knew he might do something crazy. So I insisted on secretly being in the house when he was confronted. And I'm glad I was, because I came to dad's defense before my brother could do too much damage. I knew we were roughly even in a fight. So I ambushed and hit him in the back with a rubber mallet, and then beat the shit out of him. No police were called that time. I attacked him in defense of our dad. So he probably would have been screwed if he tried to get me charged anyway. And then he'd have gone right back to jail. Someone also once asked me if I enjoyed beating up my brother that day. I did not. I was just in an adrenaline fueled rage protecting my dad. But all things considered, I could have done far worse to my brother with that rubber mallet, as he only really got bruises. My dad gave hm a good smack in the face with his cane too though. But it's just hollow aluminum. Not exactly a damage dealer.
Our parents (mainly my dad) disowned my brother as I threw him out the door. And he spent some time crying on the porch and saying he was sorry and didn't mean it, then switched to saying we could all regret this, and we could go fuck ourselves before finally leaving. My mother spent hours crying. She'd stuck up for him before, and this was how he repaid her. My brother managed to avoid real prison time, or a trial for attacking Sara by taking a guilty plea deal. He signed away custody of his daughter. And Sara got a restraining order against him. My brother got a fine, somehow only a couple months in county jail, probation, has to abstain from alcohol for six months, and he had to pay for the property damage. Sara's dad already put in a new door, and billed my brother for it. My brother also understandably lost his job due to the situation.
Our mother secretly kept in contact with my brother, and agreed to look after my brother's truck and camper while he was serving his two month sentence. And she didn't ok it with dad first. He was pretty pissed at her for going behind his back. But she reasoned that it would be the last thing they ever did for him, because she didn't want my brother to have no place to go after getting out of the clink. And even she made it clear it was the last of her good will towards him too. Once my brother got out of jail, mom drove his truck and camper to a store to meet him, and gave him back the keys. She told me there was barely a word of thanks from him. Mostly just grunts when she tried to get him to talk to her. Dad said he still looked like an ungrateful sod. After that my brother lived wherever he could park his camper for a while until one of his remaining friends somehow got him a new job as a welder in another town 40-ish miles away that he was having to commute to with his camper for a while. But he was back every weekend. Apparently he only got the job by agreeing to work for less than what the job would normally pay. So he could move there permanently as soon as he got the ok from his probation officer. Which said officer didn't make easy I heard. I don't know the red tape of it. But he managed to pull it off. He can't leave the state. But he could still move to another county it seems. He's probably renting a space in a trailer park right now or something. And maybe he's back to doing his side hustle of hauling trash for people.
Before leaving town, my brother showed up outside my house to give me the double middle finger and dance around like a monkey while cursing at me in the street when he knew I was watching from the window. I guess it was his stupid way of trying to get in a last laugh without breaking the law or something. But then I got an idea. I've heard plenty of people say to kill with kindness. So I tried it in my own way. I grabbed an unopened bottle of my favorite honey whisky from the pantry because I know my brother really loves that stuff too. Then I went outside and walked right up to him, and shoved the bottle into his hands. I think it was the last thing he expected me to do in the moment. And I know he'd NEVER willingly break a bottle of good booze. Especially when it's free. Then I told him to have a drink on me to start his new life. I could barely keep myself from laughing when I turned to walk away. When I looked at my CCTV footage later, he actually stood there looking really glum while just staring at the bottle, and then moped back to his truck.
And then he was gone. Off to start his new life as a career welder. My brother is a childish, narcissistic, misogynistic, asshole to an extreme degree. But he's actually damn good at welding. Both with steel and aluminum. Mostly self-taught too. It's practically his only real talent. He's even done basic forging and auto body work. I've seen him do shit with scrap metal I wish I could. But that's the only real compliment I can still say about him. Maybe he'll make a decent new life and career for himself doing metal work elsewhere. He's better off away from us, just like we're better off away from him. He deleted all his social media, and I assume blocked us on everything. Not that we'd bother to contact him. One of his few remaining pothead friends in town told me my brother wants to legally change his name when his probation ends. Knowing him, he'll likely do it.
Things are much more peaceful and far less dramatic without my entitled leech of a brother here. Some part of me missed him for a while. But he's just a terrible person. And the only one who's still missing him, is our mother. She's still kinda broken up about it. But dad has been unwavering that they did the right thing by disowning him. He made his own bed. Now he's lying in it. I doubt my brother will come back any time soon. And if he does, he will not be welcome.
Edit: Got home and cracked open a bag of salt & pepper pork rinds, and was half expecting hundreds of comments like last time. I'm thankful it wasn't. Still, I'm also thankful to everyone who gave their support. To answer some questions I got in comments and DMS. I've got cameras inside and outside my house. Beanpole and Sara are still dating. But they've put off moving in together for now. My niece is doing good. But says she has no daddy anymore. My brother was barely a father to her anyway. Yes I know it was a bit much giving a known alcoholic a bottle of booze. And good booze at that. But I knew he wouldn't be able to drink it for months anyway. Which is why I was trying so hard to hold back laughter when I gave it to him. Besides, he's just gonna drink like a fish on his own dime when his court ordered sober time runs out.
I'm hoping this is the last post about current antics involving my brother. Maybe I'll tell other past stories about him. Or the story of my cheating ex. Still couldn't bring myself to post that. I typed it out and everything. But I guess it still ate at me because I really liked that woman. And yeah, this situation with my brother eats at me too. But he's toxic. And I'm better off without him in my life anymore.
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Related Posts:
My entitled brother wanted my cot and tent for the camping trip
The time my brother stayed over and stole all the alcohol from my fridge
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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

III. Changing Modes of Making It: From Horatio Alger to the Happy Hooker
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From “Self-Culture” to Self-Promotion through “Winning Images”
In the nineteenth century, the ideal of self-improvement degenerated into a cult of compulsive industry. P.T. Barnum, who made a fortune in a calling the very nature of which the Puritans would have condemned (“Every calling, whereby God will be Dishonored; every Calling whereby none but the Lusts of men are Nourished: …every such Calling is to be Rejected”), delivered many times a lecture frankly entitled “The Art of Money-Getting,” which epitomized the nineteenth-century conception of worldly success. Barnum quoted freely from Franklin but without Franklin’s concern for the attainment of wisdom or the promotion of useful knowledge. “Information” interested Barnum merely as a means of mastering the market. Thus he condemned the “false economy” of the farm wife who douses her candle at dusk rather than lighting another for reading, not realizing that the “information” gained through reading is worth far more than the price of the candles. “Always take a trustworthy newspaper,” Barnum advised young men on the make, “and thus keep thoroughly posted in regard to the transactions of the world. He who is without a newspaper is cut off from his species.”
Barnum valued the good opinion of others not as a sign of one’s usefulness but as a means of getting credit. “Uncompromising integrity of character is invaluable.” The nineteenth century attempted to express all values in monetary terms. Everything had its price. Charity was a moral duty because “the liberal man will command patronage, which the sordid, uncharitable miser will be avoided.” The sin of pride was not that it offended God but that it led to extravagant expenditures. “A spirit of pride and vanity, when permitted to have full sway, is the undying cankerworm which gnaws the very vitals of a man’s worldly possessions.”
The eighteenth century made a virtue of temperance but did not condemn moderate indulgence in the service of sociability. “Rational conversation,” on the contrary, appeared to Franklin and his contemporaries to represent an important value in its own right. The nineteenth century condemned sociability itself, on the grounds that it might interfere with business. “How many good opportunities have passed, never to return, while a man was sipping a ‘social glass’ with his friends!” Preachments on self-help now breathed the spirit of compulsive enterprise. Henry Ward Beecher defined “the beau ideal of happiness” as a state of mind in which “a man [is] so busy that he does not know whether he is or is not happy.” Russell Sage remarked that “work has been the chied, and you might say, the only source of pleasure in my life.”
Even at the height of the Gilded Age, however, the Protestant ethic did not completely lose its original meaning. In the success manuals, the McGuffey readers, the Peter Parley Books, and the hortatory writings of the great capitalists themselves, the Protestant virtues - industry, thrift, temperance - still appeared not merely as stepping-stones to success but as their own reward.
The spirit of self-improvement lived on, in debased form, in the cult of “self-culture” - proper care and training of mind and body, nurture of the mind through “great books,” development of “character.” The social contribution of individual accumulation still survived as an undercurrent in the celebration of success, and the social conditions of early industrial capitalism, in which the pursuit of wealth undeniably increased the supply of useful objects, gave some substance to the claim that “accumulated capital means progress.” In condemning speculation and extravagance, in upholding the importance of patient industry, in urging young men to start at the bottom and submit to “the discipline of daily life,” even the most unabashed exponents of self-enrichment clung to the notion that wealth derives its value from its contribution to the general good and to the happiness of future generations.
The nineteenth-century cult of success placed surprisingly little emphasis on competition. It measured achievement not against the achievements of others but against an abstract ideal of discipline and self-denial. At the turn of the century, however, preachments on success began to stress the will to win. The bureaucratization of the corporate career changed the conditions of self-advancement; ambitious young men now had to compete with their peers for the attention and approval of their superiors. The struggle to surpass the previous generation and to provide for the next gave way to a form of sibling rivalry, in which men of approximately equal abilities jostled against each other in competition for a limited number of places. Advancement now depended on “will-power, self-confidence, energy, and initiative” - the qualities celebrated in such exemplary writings as George Lorimer’s Letters from a Self-Made Merchant to His Son. ” By the end of the nineteenth century,” writes John Cawelti in his study of the success myth, “self-help books were dominated by the ethos of sales-manship and boosterism. Personal magnetism, a quality which supposedly enabled a man to influence and dominate others, became one of the major keys to success.” In 1907, both Lorimer’s Saturday Evening Post and Orison Swett Marden’s Success magazine inaugurated departments of instruction in the “art of conversation,” fashion, and “culture.” The management of interpersonal relations came to be seen as the essence of self-advancement. The captain of industry gave way to the confidence man, the master of impressions. Young men were told that they had to sell themselves in order to succeed.
At first, self-testing through competition remained almost in-distinguishable from moral self-discipline and self-culture, but the difference became unmistakable when Dale Carnegie and then Norman Vincent Peale restated and transformed the tradition of Mather, Franklin, Barnum, and Lorimer. As a formula for success, winning friends and influencing people had little in common with industry and thrift. The prophets of positive thinking disparaged “the old adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door to our desires.” They praised the love of money, officially condemned even by the crudest of Gilded Age materialists, as a useful incentive. “You can never have riches in great quantities,” wrote Napoleon Hill in this Think and Grow Rich,” unless you can work yourself into a white heat of desire for money.” The pursuit of wealth lost the few shreds of moral meaning that still clung to it. Formerly the Protestant virtues appeared to have an independent value of their own. Even when they became purely instrumental, in the second half of the nineteenth century, success itself retained moral and social overtones, by virtue of its contribution to the sum of human comfort and progress. Now success appeared as an end in its own right, the victory over your competitors that alone retained the capacity to instill a sense of self-approval. The latest success manuals differ from earlier ones - even surpassing the cynicism of Dale Carnegie and Peale - in their frank acceptance of the need to exploit and intimidate others, in their lack of interest in the substance of success, and in the candor with which they insist that appearances - “winning images - count for more than performance, ascription for more than achievement. One author seems to imply that the self consists of little more than its “image” reflected in others’ eyes. “Although I’m not being original when I say it, I’m sure you’ll agree that the way you see yourself will reflect the image you portray to others.” Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
<The American Religion by Harold Bloom (California Orphism)>
The Apotheosis of Individualism
The fear that haunted the social critics and theorists of the fifties - that rugged individualism had succumbed to conformity and “love-pressure sociability” - appears in retrospect to have been premature. In 1960, David Riesman complained that young people no longer had much social “presence,” their education having provided them not with “a polished personality but [with] an affable, casual, adaptable one, suitable to the losing organizations of an affluent society.” It is true that “a present-oriented hedonism,” as Riseman went on the argue, has replaced the work ethic “among the very classes which in the earlier stages of industrialization were oriented toward the future, toward distant goals and delayed gratification.” But this hedonism is a fraud; the pursuit of pleasure disguises a struggle for power. Americans have not really become more sociable and cooperative, as the theorists of other-direction and conformity would like us to believe; they have merely become more adept at exploiting the conventions of interpersonal relations for their own benefit. Activities ostensibly undertaken purely for enjoyment often have the real object of doing others in. It is symptomatic of the underlying tenor of American life that vulgar terms for sexual intercourse also convey the sense of getting the better of someone, working him over, taking him in, imposing your will through guile, deception, or superior force. Verbs associated with sexual pleasure have acquired more than the usual overtones of violence and psychic exploitation. In the violent world of the ghetto, the language of which now pervades American society as a whole, the violence associated with sexual intercourse is directed with special intensity by men against women, specifically against their mothers. The language of ritualized aggression and abuse reminds those who use it that exploitation is the general rule and some form of dependence the common fate, that “the individual,” in Lee Rainwater’s words, “is not strong enough or adult enough to achieve his goal in a legitimate way, but is rather like a child, dependent on others who tolerate his childish maneuvers”; accordingly males, even adult males, often depend on women for support and nurture. Many of them have to pimp for a living, ingratiating themselves with a woman in order to pry money from her; sexual relations thus become manipulative and predatory. Satisfaction depends on taking what you want instead of waiting for what is rightfully yours to receive. All this enters everyday speech in language that connects sex with aggression and sexual aggression with highly ambivalent feelings about mothers.
In some ways middle-class society has become a pale copy of the black ghetto, as the appropriation of its language would lead us to believe. We do not need to minimize the poverty of the ghetto or the suffering inflicted by whites on blacks in order to see that the increasingly dangerous and unpredictable conditions of middle-class life have given rise to similar strategies for survival. Indeed the attraction of black culture for disaffected whites suggests that black culture now speaks to a general condition, the most important feature of which is a widespread loss of confidence in the future. The poor have always had to live for the present, but now a desperate concern for personal survival, sometimes disguised as hedonism, engulfs the middle class as well. Today almost everyone lives in a dangerous world from which there is little escape. International terrorism and blackmail, bombings, and hijackings arbitrarily affect the rich and poor alike. Crime, violence, and gang wars make cities unsafe and threaten to spread to the suburbs. Racial violence on the streets and in the schools creates an atmosphere of chronic tension and threatens to erupt at any time into full-scale racial conflict. Unemployment spreads from the poor the white-collar class, while inflation eats away the savings of those who hoped to retire in comfort. Much of what is euphemistically known as the middle class, merely because it dresses up to go to work, is now reduced to proletarian conditions of existence. Many white-collar jobs require no more skill and pay even less than blue-collar jobs, conferring little status or security. The propaganda of death and destruction, emanating ceaselessly from the mass media, adds to the prevailing atmosphere of insecurity. Far-flung famines, earthquakes in remote regions, distant wars and uprisings attract the same attention as events closer to home. The impression of arbitrariness in the reporting of disaster reinforces the arbitrary quality of experience itself, and the absence of continuity in the coverage of events, as today’s crisis yields to a new and unrelated crisis tomorrow, adds to the sense of historical discontinuity - the sense of living in a world in which the past holds out no guidance to the present and the future has become completely unpredictable.
Older conceptions of success presupposed a world in rapid motion, in which fortunes were rapidly won and lost and new opportunities unfolded every day. Yet they also presupposed a certain stability, a future that bore some recognizable resemblance to the present and the past. The growth of bureaucracy, the cult of consumption with its immediate gratifications, but above all the severance of the sense of historical continuity have transformed the Protestant ethic while carrying the underlying principles of capitalist society to their logical conclusion . The pursuit of self-interest, formerly identified with the rational pursuit of gain and the accumulation of wealth, has become a search for pleasure and psychic survival. Social conditions now approximate the vision of republican society conceived by the Marquis de Sade at the very outset of the republican epoch. In many ways the most farsighted and certainly the most disturbing of the prophets of revolutionary individualism, Sade defended unlimited self-indulgence as the logical culmination of the revolution in property relations - the only way to attain revolutionary brotherhood in its purest form. By regressing in his writings to the most primitive level of fantasy, Sade uncannily glimpsed the whole subsequent development of personal life under capitalism, ending not in revolutionary brotherhood but in a society of siblings that has outlived and repudiated its revolutionary origins.
Sade imagined a sexual utopia in which everyone has the right to everyone else, where human beings, reduced to their sexual organs, become absolutely anonymous and interchangeable. His ideal society thus reaffirmed the capitalist principle that human beings are ultimately reducible to interchangeable objects. It also incorporated and carried to a surprising new conclusion Hobbes’s discovery that the destruction of paternalism and the subordination of all social relations to the market had stripped away the remaining restraints and the mitigating illusions from the war of all against all. In the resulting state of organized anarchy, as Sade was the first to realize, pleasure becomes life’s only business - pleasure, however, that is indistinguishable from rape, murder, unbridled aggression. In a society that has reduced reason to mere calculation, reason can impose no limits on the pursuit of pleasure - on the immediate gratification of every desire no matter how perverse, insane, criminal, or merely immoral. For the standards that would condemn crime or cruelty derive from religion, compassion, or the kind of reason that rejects purely instrumental applications; and none of these outmoded forms of thought or feeling has any logical place in a society based on commodity production. In his misogyny, Sade perceived that bourgeois enlightenment, carried to its logical conclusions, condemned even the sentimental cult of womanhood and the family, which the bourgeoisie itself had carried to unprecedented extremes.
At the same time, he saw that condemnation of “woman-worship” had to go hand in hand with a defense of woman’s sexual rights - their right to dispose of their own bodies, as feminists would put it today. If the exercise of that right in Sade’s utopia boils down to the duty to become an instrument of someone else’s pleasure, it was not so much because Sade hated women as because he hated humanity. He perceived, more clearly than the feminists, that all freedoms under capitalism come in the end to the same thing, the same universal obligation to enjoy and be enjoyed. In the same breath, and without violating his own logic, Sade demanded for women the right “fully to satisfy all their desires” and “all parts of their bodies” and categorically stated that “all women must submit to our pleasure.” Pure individualism thus issued in the most radical repudiation of individuality. “All men, all women resemble each other,” according to Sade; and to those of his countrymen who would become republicans he adds this ominous warning: “Do not think you can make good republicans so long as you isolated in their families the children who should belong to the republic alone.” The bourgeois defense of privacy culminates - not just in Sade’s thought but in the history to come, so accurately foreshadowed in the very excess, madness, infantilism of his ideas - in the most thoroughgoing attack on privacy; the glorification of the individual, in his annihilation.
<…>
Standing-Reserve.
Note a lack of the “Greek” in Lasch.
Visions of Excess: Selected Writings, 1927-1939 by Georges Bataille, Edited by A. Stoekl, Translated by A. Stoekl, C.R. Lovitt, and D.M. Leslie Jr.
<…>

So far, I love it! I like that it works on my old relic DL360 G6 without issue. And to the guy that wrote the hpsahba plug-in, if you happen to see this, I owe you a big wet kiss, tongue, no tongue, your choice. That saved me quite a bit of time in kernel patching to support my HP 410i raid controller.
One thing I was reminded of the hard way, is that when addressing NFS shares, it's like addressing A Pimp Named Slickback. You have to say the whole thing, every time. By that I mean, whereas SMB shares are just $servername\$Sharename, NFS shares are addressed as $Servername\mnt\user\$Sharename. As a "linux guy" I'm not proud of the amount of time it took me to figure that out. I just don't use NFS that often. ("scp bay-bay!" --Coach Beard)
I've got 8 disks spinning in that box, so I'm not thrilled that I'll have to pay $100 to keep it running beyond its trial period, but f*** it, I'll drop $100 on far less redemptive things, most likely before this day is over, so it's not that big of a deal. I really only mention it so I had something to bitch. I didn't want to fan-crush too hard like a teenager at a Taylor Swift concert. Either way, seems like a fairly small price to pay to continue to enable my data hoarding ways.

Game	Group	Stores	Review
The Cursed Tape	TENOKE	Steam	92.31% (48)
Touhou Danmaku Kagura Phantasia Lost Digital Deluxe Edition	TENOKE	Steam	-
Contraband Police	TENOKE	Steam	94.96% (14.8k)
The Backrooms Survival	TENOKE	Steam	85.66% (1.1k)
Astro Pig	TENOKE	Steam	100.00% (45)

 

Update	Group	Stores	Reviews
Ballout.4.update.1.10.980-1.10.984-ElAmigos	ElAmigos	Steam	82.55% (358.8k)
The.Lost.Village.Update.v1.19-TENOKE	TENOKE	Steam, Epic	71.75% (1.7k)
Reverse.Collapse.Code.Name.Bakery.Update.v1.0.5.1-TENOKE	TENOKE	Steam	73.37% (3.7k)
Farmers.Life.Pimp.my.Cottage.Update.v1.0.20-TENOKE	TENOKE		-
DeltaV.Rings.of.Saturn.Update.v1.49.4-TENOKE	TENOKE		-
Astrea.Six-Sided.Oracles.Update.v1.1.42-TENOKE	TENOKE		-
Marble's.Arachno.Man.2.Leaked.PC.Port.Update.8.MULTi2-x.X.RIDDICK.X.x	x.X.RIDDICK.X.x		-

  Q&A
Q: When will [insert game name here] be cracked?
A: STOP! CrackWatch members are not psychic. Games get cracked by completely ANONYMOUS SCENE GROUPS who don't disclose their progress or plans to the general public so NO ONE knows WHEN and IF a certain game will be cracked.
Q: What are all these NFO thingies? Where do I download?
A: NFOs are text files included with game releases which contain information about the releases. CrackWatch only informs which games have been cracked. To download look for the releases on CS.RIN.RU's forum or torrent websites. Useful websites can be found in The Beginners Guide or PiratedGames's Mega Thread.
Q: WTF is Denuvo?
A: Denuvo is a Digital Rights Management (DRM) technology used to protect games from being cracked. Games that have Denuvo are harder to crack and usually take much longer. See Pinned Post for a list of Denuvo games.
Q: An update is out, but it includes the base game as well! Can I only download the update without redownloading the entire game?
A: Yes. CS.RIN.RU is your friend.

So I'm MS3 and I just had my mid-rotation eval that doesn't count, but usually tells you how it's going up to now. So basically I've been told I'm below expectations in terms of knowledge and it's alarming. You know, if I didn't study or if I lacked knowledge my peers have, I would totally take the L and simply study more right, I would feel guilty and stupid. The thing is everything I've been criticized for - I checked with other MS3s and they knew JACK SHIT about. Like even less than me. Some attending in particular was super rude and saying " you should know this at your level " about stuff I definitely should not know. She would talk brand names of obscure newly approved medications for off-brand use in certain pathologies. I told her I know progestatives can be used for that illness, but simply didn't know the brand name and she gave me the cold shoulder lol.
They gaslit me so much I thought I was crazy. Asked my peers about the medication mentioned (used the brand name) they all said what the fuck are you talking about ?
Also most attending on this rotation constantly cut you off and then say you haven't thought of x or y. I DID and you would know that if you let me speak for more than 30 seconds at a time. I shit you not I've never been able to speak for more than 45 seconds uninterrupted on this rotation, and I'm very talkative. I think I need to calculate my sentences heavily before speaking so I can fit in the maximum number of relevant words before getting cut off.
They also always assume you've done many clinics of their subspecialty and get super shocked and rude when you tell them it's actually your first time doing x ? " So you're telling me you've never done a peds gyn clinic before ? " Uhmm that's exactly what I'm saying. gets the cold shoulder
And don't get me started about the way they all do shit differently but get wildly frustrated when you don't do it their way - but they will NEVER tell you how they want it done. First day on this rotation the attending showed me a room, gave me the patient's name and told me to call them for their cancer follow up. Took me 8 minutes to figure out how to do a long distance call with the hospital's phone lol.
Man I already didn't care for obgyn that much, but now I simply hate it. I feel like I sincerely was not below average and these people are simply psychotic, therefore I truly don't think I will be able to fix it by the final eval. The thing that really struck me is that EVEN if I lacked knowledge, they would not be able to tell since they're barely acknowledge my existence and don't really care for what I have to say ? It's like, you don't read my notes and don't let me finish speaking how would you know i'm shit?
I will simply try studying more and sucking up. I don't know how to suck up I usually have genuine interest and vibes with the attending in most of my rotations. Guess there's a beginning to everything, gotta get that mouth ready.
EDIT: progestin* lol progestative is in french sorry! im francophone
EDIT2: Other thing that enrages me. Attending pimps you. You give the right answer within the first two sentences. They don't tell you you're right. They wait and look at you without saying a word until you get pressured into adding an element of answer that isn't right, and then they say no that's wrong, the first thing you said was right. WHY DID YOU PURPOSEFULLY MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF WHEN I WAS RIGHT? It's like there is no positive conditioning of good behaviors. I feel like I'm un-learning good stuff in this rotation. Just losing confidence.

This is long and confusing, so I will try my best to keep things chronological and concise. I think I need to tell someone my story, because I hope it will help someone somehow. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it will help a stranger. Maybe it will die in the history of the internet and live on after I am gone. If anything, I have this saved on my computer so maybe if I am struck down with dementia someone can read this to me a la The Notebook (I think that was the plot…I don’t remember). This is assuming I make it to old age and want to remember my personal journey. I don’t know. If you get through this post and want to comment, okay. But if your comment is ‘go tell this to a therapist’, know that your concern is truly appreciated and think of this as me practicing what to say and how to say it.
This is not a “woe is me” story. I am realistic enough to look back and think I had somethings good, but I am also honest enough with myself to know I have seen some crazy shit.
NOTE: My memory of the following has a lot of holes, but I think I have most of the ages/years down, well enough. Hopefully you, the reader, can follow along well enough.
FOR REFERENCE:

• My mom’s children from oldest to youngest: sister #1, brother #1, ME, brother #2 (eight years later would come sister #2 and brother #3)
• My grandma’s children from oldest to youngest: uncle, aunt, MY MOM
• Ruth: my best friend, the youngest of 3 kids (had two older brothers)

BACKSTORY: FIRST MEMORIES TO JUNIOR HIGH
I grew up poor, in a sense. We grew up in a rural “city” notorious for violence (drugs, prostitution, murders, etc.). My mom was a young, single parent and was a stripper up until I was 4yo (obviously I did not know that is what she was doing for work; I just knew she wasn’t home some nights and we would stay with my grandmother). I remember living with a constant fear that she would die. I had three siblings (an older sister, an older brother, and a younger brother—the older brother lived with his father most of the time).
Just before I turned four, my mom was arrested and I lived with my grandmother (maternal, obviously) for about four years, along with my older sister and younger brother. To this day it is still unclear why my mom was arrested, but I have 90% of the story. My mom’s older brother killed a man. (There is no disputing this; he called his mom [my grandma] and my mom and they met him after the murder.) Some people in the family said that my mom drove the victim’s car, hid it, and burned it; some people say my mom burned the getaway car my uncle drove. My mom said she refused to testify in court. (About what? I don’t know. No one in my family likes to talk about it.) Regardless, my mom was sentenced to eight years in prison (she would only serve 3 or 4 years), so I, along with my older sister and younger brother, would live with my grandma and step-grandfather (who was ~15 years younger than my grandma). My grandma would not take us to visit our mother until two years into her sentence. (My mom said that my grandma wanted her to confess to the murder because ‘a woman with children would get a lighter sentence’ and that my grandma ‘did not want to lose her only son’. I don’t know if this is true, but my grandmother wasted every last dime trying to get her son out, which would never happen.) My grandma’s house was a dilapidated trailer: there was no AC/heating, there were holes in the floor covered with plywood, and the walls in the shower were covered in duct tape. I was too little to be embarrassed by the squalor we lived in, but when I think back on it now, I understand why I never had friends over. (Our town was small, and my friends’ parents probably wouldn’t feel comfortable sending their children over, understandably.)
Despite everything, I had a happy few years there. I LOVED my grandma and grandpa, and being so young, I eventually forgot about my mom. My grandma read cheap paperbacks all the time, so I got into reading. We didn’t have money for books and at the time my county didn’t even have a bookstore, but I would save the fifty cents I got for snack money everyday and order books from the paper Scholastic magazines I got from school. (I didn’t even know to be embarrassed handing the teacher my order form and paying for $13 of books with a plastic bag of nickels and dimes.) To this day, I think reading saved my life. It gave me a world to escape into.
My grandma had a dark past. She was from a different state and one of five kids. (Two brothers died in a house fire when they were kids, one sister was hit and killed by a car as a teenager, and the other sister was sent to live in a mental institution as a teenager.) My grandma refused to talk about her family, and I had never met them. (All this information would come to light years after her death, and I would eventually meet her “crazy” sister once—I was nine and she came to my grandma’s house and showed me a dead baby bird she had in a coin wallet she kept in her purse, and I believe she is dead now.) My grandma was an alcoholic and homewrecker, by all accounts, and would disappear for months, sometimes years at a time, while her own children were growing up.. She had three children and the father of those children is debatable. My uncle (the one who killed a guy) would rape his sisters (this is confirmed), and when my grandma found out she sent him to a boy’s facility (think juvie). It has been hinted that after this my grandma would pimp out her preteen daughter at bars to older men (this is my aunt—-the middle child—who was pretty distant, understandably, in my younger years).
~~~~~~~~~~~Writing interrupted. My mom just called me to see what I was doing. I lied and said I was working on my book (isn’t this Reddit post a book, though? Where’s the lie?) in a ‘not now’ manner, and she quickly got off the phone. I refuse to tell her happy Mother’s Day. Now let’s get back to the story.
This backstory of my grandma’s was obviously unknown to me as a child. I had seen her drink twice in my years with her. I thought she was fucking Mother Theresa. She took us (her grandkids) to a Pentecostal church faithfully and had a seemingly good relationship with the ‘brothers and sisters’ of the church. I hated church as a kid and am the only one to have never been baptized. My grandma, however, was not Pentecostal. She wore pants, cussed, all that jazz, and she never enforced the religion on us. But we had to go to church, and if I spent the entire sermon reading a Junie B. Jones book, she would not correct me. She asked us if we wanted to be baptized and when I said ‘no’ it was no big deal. (To this day, I am not sure why we went to church. I think she wants a spiritual relationship with God and some type of exposure to the atmosphere for us. But sometimes we would go five times a week and I hated it.)
When I was about 7yo I started to feel ‘embarrassed’ about my home life. I wouldn’t say I was bullied, but no one wanted to play with me. I wasn’t the ‘stinky kid’ and I wasn’t the ‘weird kid’, but I was definitely the ‘smart kid’ and I still think that it alienated me. I had one friend, who I had made in Pre-K, but she even seemed to be gravitating towards the ‘popular crowd’. (Cliques start young, huh?) Luckily, when I was 8yo a new girl came to my school. She had been home-schooled and came from a Pentecostal family but had moved to town and was living with her mom and two brothers while her parents went through a nasty divorce (that would drag out for eight years.) Let’s call her ‘Ruth’. At the time, my only friend started hanging out with Ruth at recess. I was jealous that I was left alone and hate Ruth whole-heartedly. Ruth, as it turned out, was jealous of me and hated me too. Needless to say, after two months of mean-mugging each other we became the best of friends. If reading saved my life, Ruth was this reason I was alive in the first place.
INTERMISSION: ABOUT RUTH
Thinking back on it now, Ruth was the first love of my life. Her father was an extremely wealthy businessman who lived in a big city two hours away from our town (I would only meet him three times). Her mother was a teacher who was renting a house in our town and although there were financial struggles throughout the divorce, Ruth’s mom was solidly middle-class. (I remember going to her house for the first time, complete with a ‘breakfast room’, four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a pool, a ‘dining room’ lined with encyclopedias, they had a COMPUTER with INTERNET, she even had a horse!—It was all so fancy for my hick brain.) Ruth could also say words like ‘slut’ and ‘ho’ and ‘freak (in place of FUCK)’, which were cuss words at my house. Her mom would just always say “Ruth MIDDLE-NAME, I rebuke that in the name of Jesus” and Ruth would laugh it off.
Needless to say, Ruth’s house was the tits and I would ride the school bus home with her every Friday afternoon and stay until her mom dropped me off after Sunday morning service. But Ruth definitely lacked a lot of things.
Ruth’s mom was weird. She was an ‘older mom’ and had a nice house that was never clean and she never cooked. Her kids lived off take-out, frozen pizzas, and TV dinners—-which was cool as hell to 8yo me. She was not there much, spending most of her time at Women’s Church Conferences or working. Her mother was a religious-nut. I say that with caution because she is a lovely and important figure in my life, but I would wake up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and her mother would always be convulsing on the living room floor, speaking in tongues, praying. This was typical behavior. I think her mom let me hang out with her because I, too, ‘grew up Pentecostal’....but we know that’s not really the case, huh? Obviously two 8yo girls don’t sit around and talk about God all day. Ruth believed in her faith, but she NEVER asked if I believed in it or tried to convert me. We were happy and accepting of one another.
Ruth had two older brothers, one who was ~6 years older and another that was ~3 years older. The oldest was mean, and Ruth and him fought like cats and dogs. And I am talking they would draw blood. Ruth’s oldest brother definitely gave off I-am-going-to-be-atheist-to-piss-off-my-mom and brooding-dark-may-grow-up-to-be-a-criminal-vibes. His mom constantly said he was possessed by a demon and needed to turn to God. I remember that, although I was not scared of him, he seemed uncomfortable around me from the beginning. He did not speak with me much and spent most of his time in his room playing video games. He was obsessed with guns and knives and the back of his bedroom door was obliterated from him getting angry and taking it out on the door with his knives. It was strange because his mom kept trophies from his younger years for all the statewide Bible Competitions he won. (He knew the bible better than anyone I have ever met.) It was all a big red flag, looking back. But, for the most part, when I was around he disappeared. He was in high school when I first started coming around and would move out in a couple of years. The other brother, the middle child who I will call ‘David’, was awesome. He spent most of his time building computers in his room, but would smile and say hi to me in the hall when I was over. He had a Mitch Hedberg sense of humor. He wasn’t super attractive, but he was cute and all the girls at church thought so too. (My grandma did not go to their church, but I attended Sunday morning service with Ruth thousands of times and knew their youth group pretty well.) In high school, he would have a lucrative side-hustle fixing people’s computers, iPods, and smartphones and would buy Ruth and I candy and snacks all the time. Remember, we are talking 2002-2010 era, and he had the ‘emo’ hair, skateboarded, and was a nerdy-comedian type who could build computers—he had it going on. He was my first childhood crush, but he definitely saw Ruth and I as adoring and annoying little sisters.
Ruth herself was not very interested when it came to schoolwork. She definitely was not the homeschool-child-prodigy stereotype. But she knew how to play multiple musical instruments and was an insanely talented artist. Over the course of our friendship I developed a love for art and music—she made me into a creative person when I had always been a very analytical person. (Today, I am a fairly skilled artist and I play guitar.) But I had an effect on her too. I was a very clean person and cleaning had always been a coping mechanism for me. (My grandma always said ‘Being poor is no excuse for being dirty’.) In the early days I would go to Ruth’s messy house and I would convince her we should clean her room ‘for fun’. I didn’t like messy places, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I would explain to her that cleaning was something I liked. I got her hooked on cleaning, because we would end up detailing the disgusting kitchen ‘for fun’ every weekend and she started keeping her room in meticulous order, although the rest of her family lived like slobs. (And yes, dear reader, cleaning and joking around with her are some of my favorite memories. I remember detailing the inside of the kitchen fridge with her in vivid memory.) I also got her hooked on reading and interested in schoolwork. Needless to say, she gave me the confidence to be more creative and I taught her how to put a little bit more structure in her artsy-chaotic world. I was feeling true happiness.
~~~~~Writing NOTE: There are some events/details in here which bleed into the next section but seemed best placed here. The next section will pick up when I am 8/9yo and my mom is released from prison.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.