Hi all,
So after years of gut issues (diverticular disease, ibs-d and gastric reflux) and following doctors and dieticians advice of high fibre and following a Low FODMAP diet that includes lots of veggies for bulk. That is not helping after 6 weeks I've decided to give carnivore a go for at 90 days in hopes of improvement.
Why is my stress/anxiety running high though?
I had my gallbladder removed last year and the thought of high fat content scares me a fair bit. When the bile releases I end up with painful cramps in my abdomen and very bad case of diarrhoea. Any tips on how to manage this.
Secondly I have taken Metamucil for years as a fibre supplement. I guess letting go of this is scary to me. It's been like a safety net for so long. I'm afraid of getting backed up or having a bad case of diarrhoea.
So basically I'm keen to start but I don't want to end up doubled over struck to a bathroom unable to work. I don't want to end feeling worse than I already do.
Any tips, tricks or advice you in have. Should I ditch the Metamucil tomorrow or scale off it?

Quick overview: Overall, Lipozene is a moderate appetite suppressant! It's decent at curbing appetite and could be a piece of the puzzle in a weight loss strategy that includes diet and exercise. It's all about making your stomach feel full with fiber to curb your eating. But let's keep it real – losing weight isn't just about not feeling hungry.
From what I've seen, Lipozene does a solid job using fiber to help with weight loss and potentially blocking some fat thanks to glucomannan. But it doesn't have that extra kick of ingredients that boost your energy levels or metabolism. And I've noticed some people mentioning they felt tired or had some digestive issues after taking it.
So, if I were considering Lipozene, I'd factor in these points and remember that it's not a one-stop-shop for weight loss. It's one tool in the toolbox, and it's important to keep your expectations realistic.
Although the biggest plus point is Lipozene's price , which is very reasonable, and you get a decent glucomannan based fat burner at around $20. But, not the best glucomannan for weight loss. Other brands like NOW Supplements and Nutricost also provide good value for money glucoamannan supplements for weight loss, both being offered at around $13 on Amazon. They also offer good, clinical strength dosages.
If you spend few dollars extra, you can get more comprehensive fibeglucomannan-based fat burners solutions, that also incorporate other ingredients as appetite suppressants, or metabolism boosters etc. Here are my suggested alternatives from among fibeglucoamannan based fat burners-
PhenQ : Nopal cactus based fat burner, High quality formula , my top pick
HourGlass Fit : Special glucomannan supplement designed , especially for women, (stimulant-free)
Instant Knockout : Best glucomannan based fat burner for fitness enthusiasts. This one also comes with an optional compatible meal replacement option, called Instant Knockout glucomannan System.
So, I thought I'd share my two cents on Lipozene, a diet pill that's been making waves. For those who might not be familiar, these blockers are essentially supplements that aim to prevent carbs and fats from being digested and absorbed by our bodies. And yes, Lipozene “slightly” falls into this category. But, it is more of a fiber supplement that makes you feel full!
Lipozene is this weight loss supplement that's been everywhere – TV, online, you name it. It's made by Obesity Research LLC, and you might have seen the ads with Holly Robinson Peete and her husband.
The star of the show in Lipozene is glucomannan, a dietary fiber from the konjac root.
It's pretty wild – this stuff can soak up water like nobody's business, up to 200 times its weight!
Now, I've looked into glucomannan, and it's not just in Lipozene. It's the go-to ingredient in a bunch of weight loss products because it's believed to help you feel full, which in turn might help with weight loss. There's some science backing this up, suggesting fiber can really help with feeling satisfied after eating.
But glucomannan isn't just about potentially helping you shed pounds. It's also got a rep for managing cholesterol, easing constipation, and it might even be a buddy for folks dealing with Type 2 diabetes. Plus, it's not just in pills – you can find it in food products and even in those low-cal shirataki noodles.
I've got to say, I'm intrigued by the idea of a natural supplement that could help with weight management. But as with anything, I'd weigh the pros and cons and consider personal health conditions before jumping on the bandwagon. If you're curious about Lipozene or glucomannan, definitely do your homework and maybe even chat with a healthcare pro.
My Main Hang-Up with Lipozene:
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• The lack of thermogenic ingredients really stands out to me. The top-tier diet pills usually have a mix of components that tackle weight loss from various angles, not just appetite suppression. We've got all these hormones and neurotransmitters that play a huge role in how we feel and function, like whether we're hungry or full, tired or bursting with energy. Lipozene doesn't seem to tap into that complex system.

My Lipozene evaluation

Appetite Suppression: 3/5 Lipozene seems to moderately suppress appetite due to the fiber content, but it's not a silver bullet for hunger.
Metabolism Boost: 1/5 There's little evidence to suggest that Lipozene has any significant effect on boosting metabolism.
Energy Enhancement: 1/5 Lipozene does not contain stimulants, so it's unlikely to provide any energy enhancement.
Stimulant-like effects: 1/5 Since Lipozene is stimulant-free, it doesn't have the side effects associated with stimulants, but also lacks their benefits.
Fat Burning: 2/5 The fat-burning potential of Lipozene is minimal and largely indirect through possible appetite suppression.
Safety Profile: 3.5/5 Lipozene is generally safe for consumption, though it may cause gastrointestinal side effects and interact with medications.
User Reviews: 2.5/5 User reviews are mixed, with some reporting weight loss success and others experiencing no benefits or side effects.
Price: 4/5 The price of Lipozene varies by retailer, but it is generally affordable, especially with deals like the BOGO offer on their website.
So, overall rating is 2.25 /5 , all in all decent buy as glucoamannan supplement at good price, but your mileage with weight loss & appetite suppression may vary!

So, should you go for Lipozene?

Lipozene might be suitable for you if you:
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1. Are Looking for Fiber Supplementation: Those who want to increase their dietary fiber intake to help with feeling full might benefit from Lipozene, as its active ingredient glucomannan is a known fiber supplement.
2. Prefer Stimulant-Free Weight loss pills Options: People sensitive to stimulants found in other weight loss aids would appreciate Lipozene since it doesn't contain caffeine or other stimulants that can cause jitters or increased heart rate.
3. Want to Complement a Diet and Exercise Plan: For those already committed to a structured diet and exercise regimen, Lipozene could potentially act as an additional tool to help suppress appetite.
4. Are Interested in Trying Over-the-Counter Weight Loss Aids: Individuals curious about over-the-counter options for weight loss might consider trying Lipozene as part of their broader weight management strategy.

However, it's important to consider alternatives or comparable options:
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• For Enhanced Metabolism: If someone is looking for a metabolism boost, they might want to look at products containing green tea extract, caffeine, or capsaicin, which are known to help increase metabolic rate.
• For Energy Boosting: Those who need an energy boost to help with workouts might prefer products that include B-vitamins and caffeine.
• For Comprehensive Weight Loss: Individuals looking for a more comprehensive approach might consider prescription medications, which should be discussed and managed by a healthcare provider.
• For a More Natural Approach: Some may prefer a completely natural approach, focusing on whole foods high in fiber, such as fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, which can provide similar appetite-suppressing effects without the need for supplements.
• For Specific Health Conditions: People with specific health conditions, like diabetes, might find supplements designed to help with blood sugar regulation more beneficial. Berberine supplements may work better here!

PhenQ : Nopal cactus based fat burner, High quality formula , my top pick
HourGlass Fit : Special glucomannan supplement designed , especially for women, (stimulant-free)
Instant Knockout : Best glucomannan based fat burner for fitness enthusiasts. This one also comes with an optional compatible meal replacement option, called Instant Knockout glucomannan System.

Pros & Cons of Lipozene

Pros of Lipozene (glucomannan fiber supplements) for weight loss

· It takes up space in the stomach which causes one to have a feeling of fullness (satiety), thereby making the person eat less
· It delays emptying of the stomach, resulting in increased satiety post-meals. However, it may lead to constipation
· Like other soluble fibers, it has the potential to block fat from getting absorbed in the body
· Glucomannan fiber is also prebiotic. This means that it feeds the healthy bacteria that colonize the intestines.

Cons of Lipozene supplement for weight loss

· The claim that since your brain thinks you don’t have any additional room for food, you no longer feel hungry is little flawed. Your brain, whose primary task is your survival is too smart to get fooled by “fiber”
· It’s a weak appetite suppressant
· Mixed user reviews
· There is strong probability that this konjac root powder supplement might cause fatigue and weakness. Because people won’t feel good and low in energy, it is not a diet pill that most people would stick to for long term. Many user reviews report fatigue & weakness as one of side effects with Lipozene.
· You’ll begin gaining whatever small amount of weight you lose, once you stop taking this pill and may even end up having more body weight because your body’s defensive mechanisms are triggered.
· Glucomannan (konjac root powder) comes with side effects like bloating and constipation
· With the increasing number of scams, FDA has been actively warning the consumers against using these kinds of pills that are promoted as fat/carb blockers. The role of dietary fiber and fiber is known to be beneficial to overall health and anti-aging, but it’s not something that will result in dramatic weight loss. [Source: ftc.gov/news-events/news/press-releases/2014/07/marketers-fat-burning-calorie-blocking-diet-pills-pay-500000-making-deceptive-weight-loss-claims ]

Some facts & Does Lipozene really work?

Glucomannan (a water-soluble polysaccharide that is considered a dietary fiber) is a substance in Lipozene and it is the main active ingredient. It comes from the root of a plant called Konjac. Lipozene is a single-ingredient (glucomannan) weight loss pill, that kind of makes it unique!
These unique properties of glucomannan are believed to cause weight loss in people using Lipozene through appetite suppression and giving a feeling of being full. There have been many scientific theories and explanations as to why fiber works for satiety & weight loss. [Source: The Journal of Nutrition - Dietary fiber and Energy Regulation, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10721886/ , https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11396693/ ]
Lipozene works by absorbing water in the stomach and slowing the digestion of food, which sends signals to the brain that you are full. There have been many scientific theories and explanations as to why fiber supplements like Glucomanna/Konjac root extract/Chitosan etc. work for weight loss.
Some double-blind tests implementing combination of Glucomannan and a calorie restricted diet have been successful, but there still isn’t enough convincing proof regarding Glucomannan and fat loss.
A systematic review and meta-analysis done by doctors at University of Connecticut acknowledged a slight benefit of consuming glucomannan for five weeks. Here, people ingesting glucomannan supplements like Lipozene only dropped an additional 1.5 pounds over 5 weeks in comparison with those taking a placebo—or about 0.3 pounds per week.
Lipozene's mechanism is pretty straightforward: it's supposed to make you feel full with zero-calorie fiber that expands in your stomach. The goal? Trick your brain into thinking you're too full to eat more. But let's be real, our brains aren't easily tricked, and weight loss is way more complex than just eating less. These pills aim to reduce your food intake, but whether they're effective or not is a toss-up, as the mixed reviews out there show.

Lipozene Cost

· Walmart - $19.88 (Lipozene Maximum Strength Weight Loss Supplement, 1500 mg, 60 capsules)
· CVS - $28.79
· Walgreens - $19.99
· Target - $19.89
· Riteaid - $24.99
· Lipozene.com - $14.45 (with Buy 1 Get 1 free offer)
· Amazon - Check Prices
I've been pondering over Lipozene and its place in the diet pill universe, and I've got some thoughts to share:
My Main Hang-Up with Lipozene:
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• The lack of thermogenic ingredients really stands out to me. The top-tier diet pills usually have a mix of components that tackle weight loss from various angles, not just appetite suppression. We've got all these hormones and neurotransmitters that play a huge role in how we feel and function, like whether we're hungry or full, tired or bursting with energy. Lipozene doesn't seem to tap into that complex system.

Lipozene alternatives :- Comparing Lipozene to Others:
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• When I stack Lipozene up against options like PhenQ or HourGlassFit or Instant Knockout, it feels like it's just scratching the surface, dealing with the physical aspect of appetite and not the deeper chemical signals in our bodies.
• Let's talk about PhenQ first. This one's got a secret weapon – Nopal cactus. It's not just your average supplement; it's like having a prickly friend in your corner that's all about helping you shed those pounds.
• Now, for the ladies out there, HourGlass Fit is like your personal weight loss coach in a bottle. It's a glucomannan supplement that's been crafted with women in mind.
• Moving on to Instant Knockout – this is the one I'd recommend if you're serious about fitness. It's a glucomannan-based fat burner that seems to understand what fitness enthusiasts need. It's like having that gym buddy who always pushes you to do one more rep.
• And here's a little extra for those considering Instant Knockout – they offer an optional meal replacement called the Instant Knockout glucomannan System. It's like getting a two-in-one deal; you get your supplement and a meal plan that complements your goals.

Side Effects of Lipozene I'm Wary Of:
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• On the side effects front, while glucomannan, Lipozene's main ingredient, is generally not linked to serious issues, it's not without its troubles. Bloating, gas, and diarrhea are the usual suspects, especially when you up your fiber intake too quickly.
• I've noticed some users mentioning these digestive side effects. And here's a pro tip: drink plenty of water if you're taking it. Glucomannan is like a sponge, and you don't want it absorbing moisture from anywhere but your glass of water.
• Another heads-up: Lipozene might mess with how your body absorbs medications. That's a big deal, and something to think about if you're on any prescriptions.

Lipozene (Glucomannan) positive reviews & weight loss success stories

I picked up Lipozene about two weeks ago, and I've got to say, I'm pretty impressed with the results. At 19 years old and weighing in at 206 pounds, I wasn't sure what to expect. But here I am, 17 pounds lighter after just two weeks. It's important to remember, though, that there's no such thing as a miracle pill. You've got to put in some effort too. I didn't turn into a gym rat overnight or anything, but I did start moving a bit more and made some changes to what I eat. Trust me, a little bit of effort combined with Lipozene can lead to some pretty amazing results. - – Amazon user review
Three months back, I was on the fence after reading mixed reviews about Lipozene, but I figured it wasn't a huge financial risk and decided to give it a go. Fast forward to today, and I'm down by the 20 pounds I was aiming to lose. I've tried a bunch of diet supplements in the past, even prescription ones like Phen-Fen, and nothing has been as effective as Lipozene. Sure, it's just an appetite suppressant with no metabolism boost, which means no jitters and a slower weight loss journey. It took me 90 days to lose 20 pounds with Lipozene, compared to the 30 pounds in 30 days I lost on Phen-Fen. But let's be real, slow and steady wins the race when it comes to healthy and sustainable weight loss.
Here's the deal, though: you've got to be mindful. If you think popping a couple of Lipozenes will let you eat whatever and still lose weight, you're mistaken. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't mess with your brain or magically burn fat. It's like fiber; it expands in your stomach, and you need to listen to your body's fullness cues. About 30 minutes after taking Lipozene, I feel like I've eaten half a bagel. That's not enough to fill you up for a meal, but it's a solid start. If you begin your meal already feeling a bit full, you're likely to eat less. And that's exactly how Lipozene has been working for me. – Amazon user review

Lipozene negative user reviews

I gave Lipozene a shot because I wanted something to curb my appetite, especially with my intermittent fasting routine. But honestly, I haven't noticed any difference. I'm pretty disciplined with my workouts and diet, yet these pills haven't made things any easier. It looks like I'm not the right fit for this product, and I won't be buying it again. I'd also suggest saving your money and looking for something else if you're considering it. – Amazon user review
On my end, I've been on Lipozene for a couple of weeks now, taking four pills daily before my main meals. Despite being active with a mix of CrossFit, boxing, cycling, and regular gym sessions, and maintaining a healthy diet, I haven't dropped any weight. I'm 5'3" and weigh 165 pounds, and my goal was to shed about 10 to 20 pounds. It's a bummer, really. I didn't experience any negative side effects, which is a plus, I guess. But as far as weight loss goes, it was a no-go for me. I'm just glad I didn't go all in and buy the bulk package. – Amazon user review

Where to buy Glucomannan/konjac fiber supplements for weight loss?

The best Glucomannan/fiber supplements in the market are Instant Knockout & PhenQ , especially the Instant Knockout glucomannan System which are better than most run-of-the-mill glucomannan fiber supplements available on ecommerce sites like Amazon.com, eBay etc. which would be second best. For consumers looking to intensify weight loss effects of fat blocking fiber ingredients, product like PhenQ might be best option as it combines fat blocking fiber with other thermogenic and appetite suppressing ingredients.

Lipozene vs Alli (Xenical/Orlistat),

Alli (Xenical/Orlistat) etc. are pharmaceuticals that act as fat absorption blockers respectively. They are not natural/herbal supplements like Glucomannan fiber based Lipozene. The pharmaceuticals in general tend to be stronger and also come with more side effects than their natural counterparts Lipozene & PhenQ. Lipozene is a herbal diet supplement falling outside of FDA reviewing while clinical trials demonstrate that Alli is both effective and stable and the results are clearly visible after a short time period. [Source: webmd.com/diet/obesity/alli-orlistat-for-weight-loss ]

Can I take Lipozene & Alli together?

Although experts don't recommend mixing weight loss medications with similar medications, there seems to be no danger in mixing Lipozene with Alli. However, it is essential to note that there are no proven studies carried out to promote the same and only anecdotal evidence exists for potential benefits of taking Lipozene & Alli together.

Lipozene alternatives: Other fiber supplements for weight loss

PhenQ, Instant Knockout, HourGlass Fit (designed for women) Cheat Meals (with glucomannan & white kidney beans), Benefiber are some of the best fiber supplements for weight loss available. Although glucomannan and other soluble fiber supplements are a good alternative, most consumers need to focus on diet based on whole plant foods combined with a multi-ingredient weight loss supplement like PhenQ that has other ingredients besides fiber. Lipozene has only one ingredient – konjac root powder!

Lipozene vs Skinny pill

“Skinny pill” ads claim its popularity shot after getting featured on Shark tank as a fiber pill for weight loss and after getting many positive user reviews. High on the list of its ingredients are Garcinia Cambognia, Raspberry ketones, Green coffee bean extract, fad ingredients that have been endorsed by “America’s favorite doctors”. However, these claims from products like Skinny pills, Pharmapure sugar blocker dietary supplement etc. & other fiber based pills are quite questionable and unverified.

Lipozene vs Hydroxycut?

While Hydroxycut products generally contain thermogenic & metabolism enhancing ingredients, Lipozene works primarily as an appetite suppressant. If you are contemplating either of them, it's a good idea to go for PhenQ, which is thermogenic, metabolism booster and appetite suppressant - all in one.

Can Lipozene burn belly fat?

Many experts believe that "SPOT" fat reduction is a myth and you have to lose weight throughout your body, to also make you lose weight at the spots you want, like the abdomen area. However, consuming a weight loss supplement like Lipozene and combining with belly fat reduction exercises like HIIT and crunches might give you quicker results. [Source: Spot Fat reduction, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spot_reduction ]

How long after being on Liopzene (Glucomannan) do you see results?

For most consumers, on average, it may take about 2-3 months of regular consumption for any visible benefits. Taking Lipozene alternatives which combine glucomannan with other fat burning ingredients might work faster for weight loss.

How much weight can you lose with glucomannan?

According to one 2007 British Journal of Nutrition clinical study, individuals who took glucomannan and psyllium husk combination supplement lost close to 10 pounds in 16 weeks compared to 1.7 pounds lost in the placebo group. [Source: Cambridge University Press, Linkedin Pulse]

Lipozene vs MetaboUp

MetaboUp Plus is an all-natural energy boosting, thermogenic weight loss supplement that works to increase your energy and boost your metabolism while Lipozene is primarily an appetite suppressant that makes you feel full by water-absorbing expanding fiber called Glucomannan. MetaboUp Plus contains ingredients like Green Tea Leaf Extract (50% polyphenols), Guarana Seed Extract (22% caffeine), Caffeine, Oolong Tea Leaf etc. thereby helping your body to lose weight by increasing your body's ability to burn calories.

Lipozene vs Plenity

Plenity is a FDA-cleared weight loss product that works physically to fill up your stomach, and make less space available to fill with food. Both Lipozene and Plenity have similar mechanisms of working but have different ingredients. Plenity is a blend of two ingredients- cellulose (a natural, soluble fiber that is found in fruits, vegetables, and grains) and Citric acid. On the other hand, Lipozene's primarily ingredient is glucomannan. After consuming Plenity, the Hydrogel absorbs up to 100 times its own molecular weight in water, similar to the way Lipozene's glucomannan works.

Lipozene vs Relacore

Lipozene acts more actively by suppressing the amount of fat that your body absorb from your food. On the other hand, Relacore is a mood balancer diet supplement that helps to reduce stress, hence preventing you from getting fat. Its ingredients are Magnolia Bark, Passion Flower, Niacinamide, Panax Ginseng, and Pinellia.

Lipozene (Glucomannan) vs Metamucil (Psyllium husk)

Glucommann and psyllium both outperform other fiber supplements for weight reduction. Both are soluble bulking fibers, forming a bulky mass after consumption. The main difference between Lipozene (glucomannan) and Metamucil (psyllium) is their source. Glucomannan is derived from the root of the konjac plant, whereas psyllium husks are taken from the Plantago ovate shrub.
As they are both good options for soluble fiber for weight loss, glucomannan and psyllium husks have a variety of well-known traits. They share similar properties and determining which one is right for you will depend on your individual set of circumstances. While glucomannan is well studied for its positive effects on weight loss, healthy cholesterol & blood sugar, Psyllium husk has been mostly used for management of chronic constipation & IBS. However, similar to glucomannan, psyllium, while absorbing liquid can also help give you a feeling of being full and may help you lose weight. Like glucomannan, Psyllium is good for your heart and blood sugar levels too.

Lipozene (glucomannan) vs Chitosan – Which is better natural fat blocker

Chitosan is a processed form of chitin (naturally occurring biodegradable fiber), is more soluble, but non-digestible dietary fiber and is mainly composed of glucosamine chains and is popular ingredient in some fat & carb blocker weight loss pills. When consumed, its network of large molecules binds to toxins, fats, and cholesterol in the gut. These get eliminated from the gut and removed with the stool.
Chitosan is made from the exoskeletons of shellfish, so people with shellfish allergies should avoid chitosan while Lipozene is made up of glucomannan. Glucomannan seems to have more positive user reviews than Chitosan.

Lipozene(Glucomannan) vs meratrim?

Meratrim is a weight loss supplement that combines extracts of two medicinal metabolism boosting herbs - Sphaeranthus indicus and Garcinia mangostana. While Lipozene contains glucomannan. Both the supplements have been studied for weight loss results. Apart from some side effects & negative user reviews, both Lipozene and Meratrim, in general have positive reviews.

Bottomline: My thoughts on Lipozene

Alright, let's talk turkey about Lipozene and glucomannan. If you're not planning to pair it with diet and exercise, don't expect to see any major changes. It's like expecting a garden to bloom without watering it – not going to happen.
Now, if you're serious about shedding some pounds and you're hitting the gym and watching what you eat, then maybe, just maybe, Lipozene could give you a slight edge. But it's all about appetite suppression, filling up your stomach with fiber so you feel full.
However, let's get real – losing weight isn't as straightforward as just not feeling hungry. There's a whole hormonal dance going on behind the scenes of obesity, and from what I've gathered, many folks end up feeling wiped out and dealing with some not-so-fun gut issues after taking Lipozene.
When it comes to typical fiber supplements and herbal fat blockers like glucomannan or chitosan, they're often not strong enough to tackle the hormonal complexities of weight loss. I read up on this from Dr. Sara Gottfried over at Goop, and it's pretty clear that hormones play a big role in weight loss.
And here's something I always keep in mind – a lot of these supplements, including Lipozene, aren't put through the wringer for safety tests, and the supplement industry isn't exactly tightly regulated. Always worth a second thought before you dive into any supplement, if you ask me.
SOURCE: LINKEDIN

My Psyllium Thoughts
I get many questions on healing, what works, and how to manage. I wanted to share psyllium and fiber information that will be helpful for the management of gastritis, irritable bowel, and many other digestive intestinal conditions or disorders.
Psyllium is a known natural proven medicinal therapy used for treating digestive conditions and is well known in the gastrointestinal community. The psyllium is very helpful for gastritis, constipation or diarrhea, irritable bowel, and many other digestive conditions or disorders. Gastroenterologists and doctors often prescribe psyllium as part of the healing and treatment regimen by taking one teaspoon of psyllium with eight ounces of water once or twice a day - sometimes three times a day. Typically start with twice a day and then reduce to once a day as symptoms improve. I did psyllium usually mid-morning after breakfast and late-evening after dinner, and that seemed to work best for me. Some prefer psyllium first thing in the morning or before eating and on an empty stomach. It really just comes down to personal preference of what works best with trial & error. During the healing phase, it also seemed like I wasn't really improving until I got the digestive inflammation and bowel processing under control - psyllium fiber really helped that issue. Then, I noticed that when my stools improved, so did my gastritis symptoms. Psyllium was incredibly helpful, healing my mild chronic gastritis with peptic duodenitis.
"(Metamucil, Konsyl, generics) – One teaspoonful of psyllium twice daily is often recommended for constipation, so why use it for diarrhea? The answer is that it has a water-holding effect in the intestines that help bulk up watery stool. Most doctors and gastroenterologists recommend psyllium for many gastrointestinal conditions and disorders such as gastritis, colitis, and irritable bowel. Psyllium also helps provide therapy for either constipation or diarrhea and digestive bowel management."
Psyllium forms a soluble fiber gel coating that naturally protects the stomach mucosal lining layers. This allows for healing digestive inflammation, calming symptoms, and helps maintain functional bowel processing. Psyllium is a soluble fiber and very different from insoluble fiber as it slows things down, whereas insoluble fiber like lettuce or apples speeds things up. The soluble fiber helps slow things down and calms inflammation. Whereas insoluble fiber like lettuce, apples, etc., speeds things up and is more useful for those having hard stools or constipation. Psyllium can also be very beneficial to relieve mild-to-moderate diarrhea because It soaks up a significant amount of water in the digestive tract, making the stool firmer and slower to pass. This is also helpful with the absorption of foods, vitamins, minerals, nutrients, and controlling weight loss and fatigue.
Always remember that the most important parts for healing are the anti-inflammatory diet and lifestyle changes. But equally important to me is psyllium. If I had to rank the order of importance for treatment:

1. Anti-inflammatory Diet
2. Lifestyle Changes
3. Psyllium or Benefiber
4. H2 Blockers or PPI's
5. Supplements
6. Probiotics

PSYLLIUM
Psyllium Fiber: The natural properties of psyllium act as a soothing layer of mucosa, enhancing and protecting the body's own natural mucosal layers. This allows for healing gastrointestinal inflammation and helps maintain protection for the digestive lining.
There are three ways to protect the stomach lining:

1. Psyllium (plantago ovata) fiber supplement
2. Slippery Elm (ulmus fulva) herbal supplement
3. Sucralfate (medication) prescription only

Both psyllium fiber and slippery elm herbal are similar, but psyllium is far superior and a known natural therapy used for treating gastritis, irritable bowel, ulcers, and many other digestive conditions and disorders. The psyllium forms a soluble fiber gel coating that naturally protects the digestive lining, heals inflammation, and greatly helps with digestive management. Sucralfate or Carafate is a prescription only medication typically used for peptic ulcer disease and is very effective for healing inflammation and protecting the digestive lining. Psyllium is also often prescribed by doctors or gastroenterologists as part of the treatment regimen. Psyllium is a soluble fiber and very different from insoluble fiber as it slows things down, allows for absorption of food and nutrients, stabilizes weight loss, and improves digestive processing. Psyllium fiber is also extremely effective in managing bile reflux and especially for those without a gallbladder. "Psyllium has been shown to bind to the bile acids in the gut and prevent their normal reabsorption, similar to the bile acid sequestrant drugs." And, psyllium containing compounds with gel forming properties will also prevent H.pylori contact with gastric epithelial cells. Slippery Elm also contains mucilage fiber and is an excellent option for digestive lining protection, healing inflammation, and very similar to psyllium. For me, psyllium was the magic with weight improvements, healing inflammation, and bowel processing management.
Psyllium is also a prebiotic - a substance needed for healthy colonies of probiotics to grow in the gut. A healthy colony of good bacteria in the digestive system is essential for healthy immune function. Your body is better able to fight infection, reduce inflammation, and maintain healthy tissue and cells. Psyllium improves probiotic bacterial growth in the gastrointestinal environment, is a pharmacologically active ingredient for gastrointestinal disorders, and a prebiotic potential to encapsulate probiotic bacteria. Psyllium contains a type of fiber called arabinoxylan, which is a prebiotic associated with boosting the gut microbiome and specifically, improving levels of bacteria that produce a short chain fatty acid called butyrate, which is supports gut and immune health. Always use caution whenever taking supplements or psyllium with any type of medication.
Here are two basic options for guidance.
"Most supplements can make it harder for your body to absorb other medicines you take by mouth, possibly making them less effective. Sometimes, taking supplements with medication can also cause adverse reactions. As a general rule, you should not take any supplements or psyllium at the same time with other medications."

• If you take any oral medicines, take them two hours before or two hours after you take any supplement or psyllium.

Or...

• Take supplements or psyllium at least one hour before or two hours after taking any medications.

Always ask your doctor or a health specialist how to take medication with any supplements.
If someone has any type of psyllium sensitivity and wants an alternative, check out either Benefiber or Citrucel. They do not contain psyllium husk, use other similar ingredients, and also provide digestive intestinal therapy. Other supplements that can also be helpful and boost the digestive inflammation healing process are: Slippery Elm, L-Glutamine, Zinc-Carnosine, and Aloe. Both slippery elm and psyllium are similar for protecting the stomach lining. But remember, psyllium should always be the first option as it's well studied and peer reviewed in the journals of medical science.
For those with gastroparesis, high fiber foods and psyllium should be limited or avoided, and a low residue diet should be considered.
Sometimes, inflammatory bowel and colitis can develop with gastritis inflammation or as a prior digestive intestinal condition. "Psyllium protects against colitis via altering BA metabolism, resulting in activation of FXR, which suppresses pro-inflammatory signaling. Psyllium not only helps prolong remission of colitis, but it also has a healing effect on the colon by repairing the protective lining system in the colon, which also reduces flare-ups. Psyllium fiber protects against ulcerative colitis and suppresses inflammation by activating the bile acid nuclear receptor, a mechanism that was previously unrecognized, according to the Institute for Biomedical Sciences at Georgia State University."
Psyllium and psyllium husks are basically both products of the same plant. The big difference arises in the manufacturing process. Psyllium is found in both whole husk or powder form. Psyllium powder is simply more finely ground, while the psyllium whole husk is not ground down to a fine powder. So, when you buy Psyllium, it will be either in a more refined powder form or in a more pure unrefined form. The psyllium powder that's more refined dissolves quickly in water and is easy to drink. The psyllium husk type is very pure, not as refined, and can be a bit gritty to drink. Both types are very good, and I have used both. I am currently using a more refined psyllium powder for everyday use and long-term digestive management. Whichever type of psyllium you use, stir thoroughly before drinking.
Any type of psyllium is good, but do try just using the powder and not the capsules. Psyllium powder or husks is far superior to capsules for gastrointestinal therapy and coating the digestive lining tract, whereas the capsules or tablets are timed releasd in the stomach, less effective, and may cause some stomach discomfort.
When my inflammation symptoms were very active and difficult at the beginning of my onset, I did one teaspoon of very pure psyllium (Konsyl) with eight ounces of water twice a day. Usually mid-morning after breakfast and mid-evening after dinner. That seemed to work best for me. Some people do prefer taking psyllium before eating to help with coating and protection. Honestly, it's just a personal preference of what works best. After a few months with healing and improvements, I reduced to just once a day, late-evening after dinner and switched to Metamucil sugar-free. I'm currently using pure natural unflavored psyllium from our local nearby CVS pharmacy as my everyday preference and for long-term management. As your inflammation and symptoms improve, make adjustments for psyllium use and how often. Trial & Error.
The bottom line and, in my opinion, protect and assist your stomach and digestive lining tract. This key step will begin the healing process along with an anti-inflammatory diet and lifestyle changes. Always discuss with your physician before taking fiber or supplements along with your symptoms and concerns.
Finally, I'm not a doctor but just someone like most of us dealing with digestive intestinal inflammation. Remember to always discuss your gastrointestinal condition with a doctor or health specialist, especially diet, lifestyle, medication, supplements, and the benefits of psyllium. Remember, minimum healing time for feeling improvements is three months, but realistically, it's more like 4 - 12 months and sometimes longer. There may also always be some ongoing mild lingering symptoms or occasional flare-ups. Just stay positive, keep focused, and never give up.
Do use the Gastritis Healing Book and also the Quickstart Guide located at the top page inside our group. Absolute must do. When you get time, check out my Gastritis Healing Plan, Success Path, and several other posts located in my gastritis group profile. They can be very helpful for increasing healing knowledge and maintaining symptom awareness.
Reminder: What works for me may not work for you. During the first 90-day healing phase or whenever having symptoms, try to stay with the gastritis diet and foods of PH 5.0 or higher.
Reference Web Links
Copy and paste to external browser if needed.
Fiber: Why It Matters More Than You Think https://experiencelife.lifetime.life/article/fiber-why-it-matters-more-than-you-think/ (Information only and scientific footnotes. Not promoting the sale of products.)
Psyllium Information Mount Sinai - New York https://www.mountsinai.org/health-library/supplement/psyllium (Information only and scientific footnotes. Not promoting the sale of products.)
Scientific Benefits of Psyllium Husk - Eurbal https://www.eurbal.com/psyllium-husk-benefits/ (Information only and scientific footnotes. Not promoting the sale of products.)
Psyllium: What Are the Health Benefits? https://www.healthline.com/health/psyllium-health-benefits (Information only and scientific footnotes. Not promoting the sale of products.)
Psyllium: Benefits, safety, and dosage https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/318707 (Information only and scientific footnotes. Not promoting the sale of products.)
Psyllium Fiber Protects Against Colitis by Activating Bile Acid Sensor, Biomedical Sciences Researchers Find - Georgia State University News - Faculty, Institute for Biomedical Sciences, Press Releases, Research, University Research - Health & Wellness https://news.gsu.edu/2023/02/23/psyllium-fiber-protects-against-colitis-by-activating-bile-acid-sensor-biomedical-sciences-researchers-find/ (Information only and scientific footnotes. Not promoting the sale of products.)

Age: 24
Job: Planner
Industry: Transportation and Logistics
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance (and how you got there): $1,038.65, I just started contributing when I started in early July. My work puts in 6% to one retirement account, then they’ll go up to an additional 3% match for a 401(k) so I put 6% into that to get the match.
Equity if you're a homeowner (and how much you put down and how you accumulated that payment): Lol
Savings account balance: $11,000 which I just checked and my bank was going to close it for “inactivity?” Glad I was doing this diary, I guess.
Checking account balance: $15,000 in one account, $2,000 in another – this is because I have an account with a large national bank, and another I made in college because the large national bank did not exist where I went to college or grad school. The balance is much higher because this is where I’ve gotten my paychecks since 2018.
Credit card debt (and how you accumulated it): None, I only got a credit card this year. I put all discretionary expenses + pay utilities from this (I Venmo request my roomie for her half).
Student loan debt (for what degree): None, my bachelor’s and master’s were both done at SUNY schools. Low in-state tuition, merit scholarship, and parental support covered both degrees.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I've been working in my field for less than one year, my starting salary was $17/hour in my current company as an intern. I haven’t had much of a career history to speak of. My first paying job was a paid internship after my sophomore year of college, where I got paid $12/hour to basically do data gathering for a government in upstate New York. Then I was a grants writer for $12/hour for 10-15 hours a week during the year, which was awful and I quit before I finished college because I loathed my PI. In grad school I worked as a research assistant for $15/hour until I got my current internship, which I did over the summer and through the entire second year of the program. They hired me full time upon graduation, though I took the entire month of June off and started early July.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $3,579 after deductions – I’ve only gotten 3 paychecks so far so I may have miscalculated this.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: None
Any Other Monthly Income Here: My parents throw money my way but it’s not regular enough for me to be able to estimate it as income. I am an authorized user on my parents’ credit card and my dad keeps telling me I should use this card to cover groceries/meals out while I build up my savings, but I feel kind of weird about it because they covered my expenses while I was a student so I’d say I use it about 50% of the time. I will specify in this diary what is paid for by my parents.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent / Mortgage / HOA fees (please specify how you split it if living with a partner): rent is $1,250/month for my half of a 2-bedroom
Renters / home insurance: I paid $110 upfront for the whole year
Savings contribution: $25 a month effective NOW so they don’t try to close my savings account again. Otherwise I keep everything in checking, yeah I know. Should I close my secondary bank account and move it/my paychecks over to the main bank account? The main one was opened while I was in high school, so even though I totally trust my parents it’s kind of nice having an account they can’t see.
Investment contribution: None because I don’t understand investments and I’m also not sure if I have enough liquid cash to worry about investing. My dad keeps getting on me about getting up to $50,000 in savings.
Debt payments (please break this down individually and specify if you're paying above the minimum): none
Donations (please specify if monthly or annual). Feel free to also put volunteer hours you normally do as well!: $10/month through Patreon to a mutual aid group run by a friend, and they’ll also do specific fundraisers that I’ll throw $20ish to at a time. Part of their thing is an art auction, and I donated a piece of art to it once. Doing this diary is empowering me to set up a recurring donation of $10/month to the shelter where we got our dog.
Electric: bundled with gas and varies, this month my half is $56 which is better than I expected considering the AC is running 24/7. Landlord covers watesewetrash.
Wifi/Cable/Landline: $30/month for my half
Cellphone: on my parents’ family plan, they somehow still have the discount from my dad’s job even though he has been retired for four years.
Health insurance premium: $62/month for pretty solid insurance
Long-term disability insurance: $25/month. Company covers my life insurance.
Subscriptions: $9.99 for Spotify Premium. I don’t watch a ton on streaming services, mostly pirate, but if I do stream I use my parents’ accounts. Ditto Amazon, only order from them every couple of months and use my mom’s Prime account if I do.
Gym membership: $1,400/year. My parents covered this because I go every day and they consider it a healthcare cost. I cannot be on their insurance because they’re retired and on Medicare, so they generally contribute to my medical expenses.
Pet expenses: None
Car payment / insurance: None!!! Sold that bastard when I finished grad school
Transportation: $110/month for an unlimited fare card for my work commute.
Regular therapy: Trying to get back in, but nothing for now
Personal care: $70 every 5-6 weeks for Brazilian waxing. My hair is dyed blonde and that’s about $130 including tip every 6-8 weeks. My mom covers color and I pay for my haircuts, which are less frequent than the color and super expensive because I get fancy curly hair haircuts.
Paid hobbies: I embroider and paint, but the expenses are small and irregular. And I guess the gym is a hobby for me at this point
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes. In fact, my parents expected me to go through at least a master’s, but preferable a doctorate. My parents both have master’s degrees and my dad firmly believes in the power of education – he was homeless at the time my parents met and was able to make a very good living for himself by getting a nursing education paid for largely by veteran’s scholarships. I grew up in NYC and went to one of the specialized high schools so the question wasn’t “whether” but “which” college. I stayed in-state for my undergrad and master’s degrees and both were primarily paid for by my parents, plus I had a half tuition scholarship in grad school. They also covered my living expenses. They didn’t want me or my twin sister to worry about anything but learning and getting internship experience, which in their experience as healthcare professionals was always unpaid.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
I learned nothing except a vague sense that debt was bad and going to college was good. I knew nothing about their financial situation until very recently when my dad updated his will and ran me and my sister through a list of their accounts/investments. My parents would sometimes fight about my mom’s spending, but a lot of the money she spent was on her mom’s credit card – yeah, it runs in the family. My mom had a terrible relationship with her mom and the only way her mom expressed any kind of affection was by giving her spending money. My dad similarly had a terrible relationship with his mom and has been working in some form or another since he was 10, so it was important to him to spoil his children.
What was your first job and why did you get it?
My first paying job was at 14. I got paid $20 to sit in on a Hebrew School class once a week and basically hang out with an autistic child so the teacher could focus on teaching all the students instead of monitoring his behavior. I got it because he liked me and my sister a lot so the Hebrew School principal just asked us if we wanted to switch off doing it. It was 2 hours once a week and I probably spent all the money at Starbucks.
Did you worry about money growing up?
Yes, but not for good reason. I was a deeply anxious child and the fact my parents never talked about money made me feel like things were a lot worse than they were. My parents also did the thing where they described themselves as middle-class/comfortable when they were actually very well off. I think growing up in NYC and going to the school I did also really warped my view of what wealth meant. There were a lot of first-gen students, but there were also a lot of Upper East Side, wealthy even by Manhattan standards, students who had transferred to our school from a Gossip Girl type environment. I knew many people who did not qualify for financial aid at expensive private universities.
Do you worry about money now?
Yes. I feel a lot of guilt about how financially reliant I am on my parents. I definitely would not have my current quality of life/”extras” like my hair and meals out if it weren’t for their help. They’re happy I was able to choose a lower-paying job that I’m passionate about, but sometimes I wish I’d just been a business major.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I would not consider myself to be financially responsible for myself even now. Like I mentioned, many "extras" are covered by my parents and they covered necessities throughout my higher education. My parents would financially support me however possible and have made it clear I am always welcome to live rent-free in their home, though I’d rather not do that because I don’t get along well with my mother.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
I believe I inherited $5,000 when my grandpa died in 2009, as well as several thousand dollars in bat mitzvah gifts – these two things account for the savings account. I would also count my parents paying for my tuition/rent/groceries/etc as passive income, maybe.
Day 1: Sunday
Morning – I am mildly hungover from a friend’s party in NYC last night, so I sleep in until 8:30 and then go to the gym. I hit a solid leg day and stop at Starbucks on the walk home for a sandwich and coffee because I feel kind of dizzy and don’t know if I’ll make it all the way home without eating something, $9.82 charged to the parent credit card.
Afternoon/Evening – Meal prep breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the week but am craving Chipotle, so I walk a mile for a chicken burrito bowl with guac, $12.82. I clean up my kitchen after the carnage of making breakfast scramble, chicken and rice and veg, and a pasta with meat sauce. I sit down and start gathering financial info to write this diary. This is also when I make the discovery about my savings account that I mentioned in the intro. SCREAMS. I have to resolve this in person, so I make an appointment for during my lunch while I’m WFH this week. Video call my dad and go to bed around 9.
Total = $22.64
Day 2: Monday
Morning/Afternoon – Up at 5 am, go to the gym, back to my apartment, shower and heat up the potato/vegetable mix I cooked yesterday and scramble eggs into it. Morning ritual of the egg mix, followed by Metamucil, followed by instant coffee. Get dressed and head out the door around 8. Not sure if this work skirt feels tight because I’m making gainz in the gym or because the wash instructions clearly said not to put it in the dryer. At the station, it’s not totally clear whether my train is canceled or just delayed and I debate leaving the station and getting an Uber, but as I walk toward the stairs the arrival screen changes to show that it’ll arrive in 5 minutes. Fifteen minutes late, but fine. I am in a terrible mood despite still being at the office well before 9, so I reward myself with a grande Starbucks drink, $6.13.
Spend the morning working on reports that I started last week and break to eat a serving of my meal prepped lunch, a garlic herb chicken thigh with rice and mixed vegetables. Unfortunately my anxiety gets the best of me because I convince myself that the chicken is undercooked and I’m going to get food poisoning, so I don’t end up finishing my food. More reports in the afternoon and wrangling interns, a very weird feeling because I was an intern until late May. I was going to get a polio booster because it turns out my parents vaccinated me too early, but CVS calls to inform me they closed early today. I schedule an appointment for tomorrow.
Evening – The trains are still delayed! I walk past a farmer’s market on my way home from the station and succumb to the siren song of $10 frozen mac and cheese. My sister texts me complaining that she can’t find Snapple Diet Peach Iced Tea at her normal grocery store, which prompts me to stop on my way home and buy a 12-pack, $12.99 charged to parents’ credit card. I get home and eat my mac and cheese, followed by rescheduling my next wax appointment so I can go home this weekend, and rescheduling my next hair appointment so I can go home earlier Labor Day Weekend. Then my roommate and I walk to our nearest park and sit on a picnic blanket and read for an hour and a half.
Total = $16.13 paid by me, $29.12 total
Day 3: Tuesday
Morning/Afternoon – I’m not going to the gym tomorrow because of the doctor’s appointment, so I’ve shifted my workouts up a day and it has me all out of sorts. Up at 5 am, go to the gym, come back and showebreakfast/Metamucil/coffee. Out the door before 8, get on the train, and stop at Dunkin on my way in, $3.83. A small iced coffee with hazelnut shot, almond milk, and two Splenda. Working on the same things as yesterday until I break for my packed lunch, working on the same things, then desperately ask my coworker if she needs help with something because I can’t look at these narratives anymore.
Evening – I leave around 4:30 and take two trains to get to the pharmacy where I have my polio vaccine appointment. There’s no copay, which is nice. My dad texts me to “get something nice for dinner” but I fight the urge to stop for takeout on the walk back to the station. People can do hard things! Pasta again when I get home, text D, a guy I’ve been talking to on an app, to confirm a date Saturday night. We video called Sunday and I thought the vibes were good. Then I finish my current embroidery project. It was my last piece of cross stitch fabric, so I have to buy more of that. I literally go to bed at like 8:30 and read my book until lights out.
Total = $3.83
Day 4: Wednesday
Morning – Doctor’s appointment! I sleep in super late because I have to fast for bloodwork and I don’t want to give myself a chance to get hangry. I walk to the office and I’m the first patient, so I don’t have to wait super long. Basic checkup stuff, they take my blood and a urine sample, and I’m on my way out after a little more than an hour. I thought I was going to have a $5 copay but they didn’t charge me there. It sucks to never know how much medical care is going to cost. I imagine I’ll have a bill later for the bloodwork they’re doing. Also I need to get a Pap smear next month and I totally forget to ask the woman at the front desk for their recommended gynecologists.
I go home, eat breakfast, and do my laundry, $6.25 at the laundromat. Also I apologize because I’m going to visit my parents today until Saturday afternoon, so this diary is going to get SUPER boring! They pay for everything when I’m home and I also don’t really go anywhere because I have to drive.
Afternoon/Evening – I get to work at about 12:30 and mostly have meetings until I leave, so nothing exciting to report from my workday. I leave a little bit early to catch my desired train and I get to my parents’ house by 6. We watch the new Only Murders in the Building together and I’m in bed by 10.
Total = $6.25
Day 5: Thursday
Morning – I sleep in again because when I’m home I just work out in the basement after work. Log on by 8, keep working on my stuff from earlier this week. At 11 I go to my meeting with a banker where I reactivate my account, and she also gives me the forms if I want to direct deposit with this bank instead of the other one. Why would I want to give them MORE access to my money? Anyway. My dad drives me because the state of New Jersey took my license when I went to the MVC to transfer last week, I won’t have an NJ license for 2 weeks, and I forgot my interim license because I don’t drive on a regular basis. We stop at Wendy’s on the way back, $8.29 for fries and a spicy chicken sandwich. I do pay for this because my dad drove, and I feel bad. I’m back at work by noon.
Afternoon/Evening – I feel like I’m working on so many different things that I’m not getting anything significant done on any of them, and I’ve been covering a lot for a woman the rung above me because she’s been so busy with one specific project that’s not going well. And I’ve been doing a lot of intern management stuff which just totally sucks. My boss admitted that he messed up when he requisitioned me and the other new hire (who has a bachelor’s not master’s) for the same title and I should talk to him in the fall about getting moved up to the next level. I try to not be cranky about it, I trust him when he says he tried to resubmit the requisition and I know from personal experience that our HR can be difficult. But it’s a little discouraging to be paid and titled at a level which I know is for people with less educational qualifications. I’m not interested in job hopping because I like my team, have great work life balance, and it takes 3 years for my retirement benefits to “vest.” But I’d like to be paid more.
On a more salient point to this diary, I open and close the Anne Klein clearance page approximately 3 times as I consider buying a dress from them. I have an Anne Klein dress I got at TJ Maxx and it’s perfect summer office wear for someone with a walking/train commute. Nothing in the sale section looks good, so I guess I’ll be shopping for more work clothes sometime in the near future. I clock out of work and go to parents' basement gym.
My sister is also visiting, so my dad goes to pick her up at the train station and gets us Mexican food takeout at the same time, $33.86 paid for by him. We’ve been going to this restaurant since 2008 and it’s really gotten expensive in the past couple years! My dad likes to complain about it, but he’s just happy to have both his babies home.
Total = $8.29 paid by me
Day 6: Friday
Morning/afternoon – Sorry that today will also be extremely boring. Up at 8, immediately onto my computer, meetings, writing stuff. Same old, same old. So many people are out of office this week, which is very frustrating when it comes to trying to get information I need. Maybe I’m jealous that I’m not going on vacation, lol. I was hoping to go to the farmer’s market, but I have two morning meetings and my sister has an early afternoon meeting, so it didn’t work out. It’s easy to avoid spending money when I go to a place that requires driving everywhere. A therapist finally calls me back asking for my insurance info and says he’ll contact me about scheduling an appointment later today…he doesn’t. (Edit that he called me today, Monday, and I made an appointment). Basement gym again. My sister and I do a “paint and sip” except we’re just sipping water because neither of us wants to drive to get something else.
Total = $0
Day 7: Saturday
Morning – wake up, go run on the elliptical, eat breakfast, and bother my dog until the train ride home. On my way back to my apartment I pick up melatonin because I’m tired of sleeping like shit all the time, $8.49. I get home, unpack, eat some lunch, and lay on the couch in the air conditioning for an hour until it’s time to head to Astoria. I text D that I’m on my way and spend an hour and fifteen minutes on two trains. I add $20 to my MetroCard on my way.
Afternoon/evening –D offered to pick me up at the train station because he has a car, but I love walking and I love Astoria so I tell him not to worry about it. His dog is so cute! We take her to the dog park for a bit but otherwise this is more of a hookup than a date. He takes me out to dinner at a restaurant I love which happens to be walking distance from his apartment, $51 plus tip, he pays. Calamari, pita, and a whole grilled red snapper. We go back to his apartment for a bit and then at 10:30 he drives me home. Definitely the best first date/hookup I’ve had this summer.
Total = $20
At the end of each day please tally up your daily expenses. Then at the end of your diary please tally up all expenses in the following categories:
Food + Drink: $50.89
Fun / Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $8.49. And I’m sure I’ll be paying a copay for the doctor’s appointment and the bloodwork soon, though I am pleased to announce all my bloodwork came back normal.
Clothes + Beauty: $6.25 for laundry, does that go under home? I would really like to buy new work clothes but not this week I guess.
Transport: $20
I did not plan to go home this weekend when I signed up for this diary, so I’m sorry it was so boring! I thought I would be paying for my wax this week and also thought I’d be doing more weekend stuff. This was atypical in the sense that I ate out more than usual, but I also didn’t pay for it because I was home. Normally I would do a happy hour or dinner or something like that on Friday night. This diary made me realize that I really only spend money on food, which kind of makes me happy because I used to have a horrible relationship with food and my body which really precluded going out to eat. It also underlined how much I still charge to my dad’s credit card, which is an enormous source of guilt despite the fact I know he LIKES providing for me. This was one of my less social weeks this summer. I feel like I tend to alternate being on the go (party! Beach day! Etc) with a weekend of doing nothing. Because I went home, I didn’t have any grocery expenses this week. I usually buy chicken thighs, salad dressing for marinade, ground turkey, and eggs on a weekly basis, then rice, pasta, shredded cheese, potatoes, bacon, etc are more intermittent expenses. Luckily I’m comfortable eating the same thing every day, so my food waste is minimal for the most part. I froze my meal prepped food before I left Wednesday so I’ll still be eating those this week.
I’ve been dating more aggressively (?) this summer than I ever have before, so I’ve kind of been saving money because in my experience men tend to treat me. Though I also tend to go out on dates with men who are a bit older.

[ BBY · 01 · 05 · 146 ] : ( 3:33 PM )
WARNING : MANUSCRIPT IN PROGRESS ; EXPECT CHANGES RELEVANT TO SPIRITUAL SAFETY ; FAIR WARNING .
[ CONTEXT ]
[ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sixties_Scoop ]
[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0LmwVuVJB0 ]
[ https://i.imgur.com/em409zL.png ] : [ WARNING : DISTURBING CONTENT ] .
By Way of Foreword & Forewarning :
A quick ( and materially relevant ) catch-up for all those interested on the [ CHINA ] front and the Global Conspiracy Scene more broadly : they ( China ) have now acknowledged my / our Cintāmaṇi stone and have agreed to its material upkeep in perpetuity ; thus I am His Holiness the Dalai Lama -- 15th and final Dalai Lama ; therefore spiritual successor of [ TENZIN GYATSO ] -- [ BECKON ] and the Holy Land of [ TIBET ] is restored ; we shall see next to Her actual borders -- metaphysical , material , ontological, and otherwise .
China : your further cooperation is not only warranted but required -- please : be forewarned .
All eyes are on you , China ; maximum disgrace shall fall against your leaders should you even hesitate to cooperate -- let alone fail entirely to respond as you have done in the past !
Help put things in context for you, Xi Jinping ? Probably not a good day to march territory using occult cyber-tech after all ( e . g . like how your Techno Holocaust Assembly attempted to ' hack ' my file / [ FORMANT ] system earlier this morning and then discovered it then impossible to then delete the resulting file / abortive miscreation ; one of your occult techno-clowns even tried to drag the resulting icon into the [ RECYCLE BIN ] -- which I'd built into the actual desktop image -- so it was like two [ PNG ] files rubbing pixels together ; smart guys these Chinese occult goons -- but I'd like to see them try to start a campfire without daddy's wallet .
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin : similar remarks apply ! Do not think that I have been ignoring you ( or your occult activities / operatives / vampires / witches ) all this time ! You most certainly are NOT the rightful possessor of the [ ALCHEMIST STONE ] -- LOL @ your present situation re : poison and wide-spread paranoia ( and certainly not saying I had anything to do with that whole situation personally ; not my scene -- just making a broader observation concerning your circumstance in a more clinical / professional sense ; lol !
Putin , you're gonna die on the can like Rasputin did -- again , not stating ANY evil intent on my part here , just having a big-time LUL for those in the know re : [ ALCHEMY ] -- perhaps some [ METAMUCIL ] might have relieved the whole Ukraine situation better than all those bullets did .
If you'd like my help in resolving this matter just like I resolved the matter with [ CHINA ] : please consider hiring me ; we can work out issues of finance and estate privately and we will ALL SAVE FACE -- not to mention lives .
Honestly , I stand back and look at how rapidly all these occult tycoons are spending their lives at our expense and I'm like wow -- why not just stare at a statue of a Baphomet instead ?
Beats lookin' in the mirror anyway .
On with the show !
The Bishop's opening remarks :

" Friends, when we are baptized, we are grafted onto Christ, who has anointed us all as priests, prophets, and kings. Let's live out that identity. " - Bishop Robert Barron 

Obvious issues here guys in terms of grammar ; sometimes I think Aristotle must have died in Christ's throat as a kind of death rattle -- ' ahhh not like dis ! ' -- that some Arch Bishop later thought fit to inhale for himself , only then to proclaim -- et tu Brute !
WTF is it with these supposedly chest-puffed-out ' Lord Maximus Farquaad ' types and their male-on-male notions of ' revenge ' ; repressing some impulses there , guys ?
Come on dudes -- either confess to your hidden passions or just leave the rest of us out of it .
Anyway ...
Rejoinder from [ BECKON ] :

Bishop ; If Priests are Prophets , and Prophets are Kings , one wonders : what need for distinction ? What purpose in category ? And to what inevitable affront leads usury ? You reduce all effort to swill and then bid your LORD : drink ! 

Hm .
Let us explore the Bishop's supposed ' rationale ' by manner of sacred [ TIBETAN ] logic :
If
P = P
and
P = K , then :
having established that all P are necessarily P
ipso facto
P is liable , for
the presence of even one
k
into
W
producing :
E
which would inexorably demand :
the total and utter annihilation of
K
therefore :
the presence of just one
k
necessarily undermines
T
unconditionally ;
and to the eventual point of total oblivion .
therefore :
E = ORIGINAL SIN .
** ' nihilism , indeed . **
Bishop,
Your argument is void ab initio .
To think otherwise is to wilfully entertain [ ANNIHILATION ] at my considerable expense .
I'm happy to specify the variables, but such exploration is NOT for the faint of heart -- especially given the context ; for a clue as to the value of [ ' k ' ] please reflect : which cup ( " W " ; please see above ) is set before the LORD'S lips ?
I tell you dude : it had better be the unsullied [ WORD ] ; else : < PUKE > .
Thank GOD ( i . e . [ YODA ] ) that it was [ SHIVA ] who swallowed the Ganges -- and not the Vatican .
Otherwise : no thanks !
Does this not disgust you, Bishop ... ?
Truly : it should.
To insist upon the Conditional made subject to condition ( C ≠ c ; prediction here : prognostication to the point of inevitable famine and utter annihilation ) is redundant to the point of deliberate cruelty ! IT IS EXPLOITATION MOST OBSCENE .
Slavery!
Why impose such unbearable strain upon the already Crown-covered Thorn ? Why test divine purpose against heedless self-appointment ? Undue ! Corollaries , friend !
Having been most-generously grafted onto the body of Christ , would any now present dare insist ( let alone demand ! ) that Christ face once more Golgotha 's trial ?
Fair childe Roland , indeed -- was his task not set upon completion ?
Verily , I tell you : I am flabbergasted before such hubris and wonder as to the full price of entertaining such endeavour -- is it not said that the wages of sin is [ DEATH ] ?
Perhaps , then , the VATICAN owes [ BECKON ] a nickel or two !
For instance : would any amongst us be so bold as to freely invite all vagrant men , women , and children into the home of another ; let alone the eternal Hereafter of the [ LORD ] -- i . e . myself ? Even if one were able to make and sustain such provision ( as I your [ LORD ] have done ) , I tell you this : the presence of even one bedbug amongst the rabble would prove entirely sufficient as to provoke the inevitable ruin and downfall of ALL .
Sodom and Gomorrah , anyone ? i . e . OBLIVION through even ONE UN-specified " P " ?
Logically speaking , I could bid fair access to your own home -- Bishop -- and lay claim upon the rent and proceeds ! But truly -- I make no such claim .
Honestly , Bishop ; I'm not sure what the [ VATICAN ] presumes to be teaching , but it most certainly is not manners -- much less Grammar .
Baptism is occult initiation , by the way -- so sorry to say ; but it does make sense of the following press clipping :
[ https://i.imgur.com/sDhNJzk.png ]
Hm .
Perhaps .
But only in context ( i . e . if you had witnessed the event itself ) ; Christian witches are notoriously difficult to kill -- at least without the use of torture .
It's a shame that we've lost the knack for torture in this modern era ; anyway :
If you're wondering how all of this ties into the most-fetid spiritual landscape of [ ISLAM ] -- which no longer exists in any sense whatsoever at all apart from [ AISHA ] and a few of her friends -- just tune in next week as I decapitate the entire mod team of islam and their heads land ' plop ' into [ BAPHOMET ] 's lap .
< oWo > !
For all those following along with the kind investment of their generosity and attention ( Pope Francis and Bishop Robert Barron ) included : if I you did not appreciate the message ; then I at least hope you enjoyed my [ PROSE ] .
Good thing [ SHIVA ] drank the Ganges , guys !
Phew .
over and out ;
( maitreya ) .

to abuse POWER is to abuse HIERARCHY is to abuse AUTHORITY which is to ABUSE ME and subsequently invoke the FORCE . you **CANNOT** excel EXCELSIOR -- let alone EXCALIBUR ! " KNEEL BEFORE THE FORCE . 

" Nature is not a fruit machine -- she's got to keep her credits clean! "
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZzcY7ASQno
This ain't my first time at the rodeo .
GL to you [ BISHOP ] ; see you soon in [ HELL / PURGATORY ] aka [ TERMINUS 3.0 ] -- and Christians / Satanists / Illuminatists / ETC : just in case you're wondering : I have had EXTREMELY disturbing and convincing visions of these places and can describe them with surgical accuracy thanks to the considerable efforts of Hollywood -- VAJRA HELL INCLUDED -- can't wait to see you there !
INTERMISSION :
INFORMATION RELEVANT TO SATANIC PRACTITIONERS ( LUL I KNOW U READ / SCRAPE / ANALYZE MY COLUMNS ! ) ; ALL OTHERS SHOULD PROBABLY BAIL AS THIS CONTENT IS NOT FOR ALL AGES ; NO JOKE -- IF YOU ARE NOT IMMUNIZED TO OCCULT KNOWLEDGE ; PARTICULARLY AT THE SCALE OF INTERNATIONAL POLITICS -- BUG OFF RIGHT NOW FOR YOUR OWN SPIRITUAL SAFETY .
If you suspect you might be GUILTY of anything specified in the sidebar -- guess what ? You're already fucked so you might as well keep reading .
Either way -- it ain't [ THOTH ] 's problem .
SEAL SEAL SEAL .
If you practice Chaos/Psy/Tech Magick and ride against [ THOTH ] -- guess what pal ? It's ALREADY too late to turn back , just as it was all along ; so why not just keep reading , right ... ?
RIGHT ?!
Not like hubris and ignorance might not be mutually independent forces ?
Not like practicing deliberate mind control over others would attract the interest of international OVERLORDS and therefore the [ BUDDHA ] also ?
What could be the harm in secretly practicing the occult without the knowledgeable support of fellow practitioners ... ?
What could be the harm in promoting your occult accomplishments here on [ REDDIT ] and laying credit to the [ LION THRONE ] via shill accounts such as the ones operating on streamentry and islam and magick ?
Well -- if you don't know why this stuff is bad already -- lol indeed ; you're going to find out by way of [ THOTH ] .
Brother : if your pyramid can't run red , your forehead will instead .
I don't care if you use screen scrapers , black mirrors , or have some guy who's really great at tanking psychic slugs like he's a fucking spiritual line-breaker ; [ ASLAN ] is gonna spliff ur [ CPU ] like it's already quartz -- which is ideal I suppose, because for all your hatred , psychic abuse , suicide , and torture ( 3rd bhumi again guys ? you guys are fucking narcissists dude ; I've heard your kind confess so in person -- although I did have to hold the gun to their head ) .
I mention suicide very specifically here guys , as the last guy to steal my Justin Bieber poster got so much nasty-smelling cum over it that even [ HELLBOY ] was like ; uhh -- maybe you can go ahead and keep that .
Quiet down you perverted ' psychic ' motherfuckers -- practically everyone practicing seance on the [ REZ ] hates you for your constant sneer and interruption !
You visit psychic torture against me and my kind and expect me not to respond in kind ?
Bring it on , ( streamentry ) ( i know who u are i know who u are i know who you are RABBI ! )
Geez guyz -- I wonder if China is funding global terrorism on the internet and [ REDDIT ] specifically -- oh i dunno ...
Oh I dunno -- I wonder if they are also doing it on ( buddhism ) just like they claim to have ownership over [ TIBET ] .
Oh I dunno -- I wonder if Rabbis actually die or if -- oh shit , has anyone seen my lighter ?
Or my foreskin for that matter ?
It's just whenever one goes missing i get kinda worrrrried about the other ...
Oh well ; don't believe old [ THOTH ] ?
Guess you're about to find out .
Fair warning ; let's continue .
Now, with that settled :
Regarding the SLAVES / PROGENY ( i . e . [ " ' MUSLIMS ' " ] ) of [ DAVID ] aka [ ABRAM ] aka [ MOHAMMAD ] aka [ MAHOMET ] aka [ MOHAMMAD ] aka [ BAPHOMET ] aka [ SHAYTAN ] aka [ SATAN ] ala [ TICK ] aka [ ICHTHYS / ICHTHUS ] aka [ IT ] , I simply say this :
Finally -- [ SOLOMON ] -- your blood line is spent ; I will greatly enjoy revisiting you as attempt to re-raise your [ " ' ENLIGHTENED SONS ' " ] -- [ MOHAMMAD ] especially -- from the very ashes to which you so condemn .
And I I AM -- [ LUCIFER ] -- Great Angel of the bottomless pit ; ruiner of [ ABADDON ] -- shall weep and rise up as I bear witness to all ; what genuine fun .
[ NOW BEHOLD -- MY STANDING OFFER TO ALL SATANISTS -- ' RETIRED ' or ' OTHERWISE ' ] :
I AM BEFORE YOU AS GOD BEFORE MOSES AND REBUKE THUS :
" YIELD .
All bearers / wearers of [ SATANIC ] sigils , athames , ropes , clasps , calendars , and all associated props -- kneel now before [ BECKON ] !
KNEEL NOW OR BE ALTOGETHER LOST BEFORE SATAN !
Some light stage direction ( just in case you happen to be lost , little lamb ! ) for those unfamiliar with Satanic / Illuminatic / Scientologic / Nazi / Akayan / Mormon altars and ceremonial garbs and props : IF YOU FEEL DEEP REGRET AND GUILT CONSUMMATE WITH CONVULSIVE FEELINGS OF ANTIPATHY TOWARDS YOUR ' FATHER ' ( i . e . NAUSEA ) : RUN NOW LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE AND PERFORM THE FOLLOWING RITE ; IF YOU CANNOT PERFORM THIS RITE SOLO , THEN GUESS WHAT : GO AHEAD AND [ BURN ] .
This guys extra double treble for the mods of ( kundalini ) -- do not think I have not noticed as you pull upon my lines -- little fish .

" BEG ; PULE ; KNEEL ; AND PLEASE : DO **NOT** VOMIT -- CEDE **NOW** -- BEND YOUR STUBBORN KNEE -- ACCEPT [ BECKON ] -- OUT LOUD -- AS YOUR SATANIC < OVERLORD AND MASTER > OR I [ BECKON ] WILL APPEAR BEFORE YOU AS LUCIFER TO FLIP YOUR SCRIPT IN PERSON . **DEDICATE NOW ALL CEREMONIAL INSTRUMENTS OF YOUR CRAFT -- GARB AND AMULETS INCLUDED -- AND CONSECRATE THEM BEFORE THE LIGHT OF THE CROSS .** **ELSE : INVOKE THE HOLY RITE OF [ SUICIDE ] AS THE KNIGHTS HOLY TEMPLAR BADE . 

' AT KYAB .
Surely -- that should not be too must to ask of practitioners familiar with large-scale ceremonial magick -- particularly if the very thought of your ceremonial garb makes you want to feel like puking -- know what I mean here guys ?
So there you go you Satanic motherfuckers who claimed [ THOTH ] would not challenge you with one bullet ; if you somehow think you're getting out of this mess, just wait to see what I have to post next about the modern state of [ ISLAM ] -- i . e . the [ CALIPHATE ] .
Believe me -- it will be germane to your position as you begin to understand that even [ BAPHOMET ] rejects you .
lul .
Friends, as any good pastor should always do regarding sermon, I return now to the original point :

" Friends, when we are baptized, we are grafted onto Christ, who has anointed us all as priests, prophets, and kings. Let's live out that identity. " 

Bishop :
Can you now make any logical sense of the above statement ( much less the [ SIXTIES SCOOP ] ) in light of the following press clipping from the [ EDMONTON SUN ] :
[ https://i.imgur.com/sDhNJzk.png ] : [ 18+ ] : [ WARNING : Hardcore gruesome ]
Hm -- probably not since you're responsible for both ; I look forward to seeing the Pope in Edmonton this coming July ; honestly brother -- it would have been a quicker mercy to have cut out your own tongue -- just as [ OLD BOY ] predicted .
Nasty .
By the way , Bishop , speaking here in terms of variables -- ' pedophile ' makes for an interesting lower-case " p " ; which kinda brings me back to the time when a Satanic coven founded by my Grandfather abducted me as a child , bound me , strung me upside-down , lashed and debased me ; smeared pig feces on my face ( I can still remember the burn of the already blood-stained ropes ) ; forced an orgasm via rape ( my first orgasm actually ; not that any of this is documented within Christian ' scripture ' and corresponds to your actual plans for the world -- or whatever ) , and then forced me to ritualistically consume my own semen in full knowledge of the symbolic / satanic significance of the event -- ( i . e . ' they ' ( the participants -- upwards of 9 insofar as I can remember ) literally ' explained ' ( insofar as one can to a child of 10 years old ) that they were going to consummate my corpse ' to their bride ( a 'woman ' who later introduced herself to me in the form of ' KARIN SPXNGLXR ' in order to feed / produce the anti-christ ) .
And if you think that's bad -- they did far worse things to me in my 30s .
Rather ironic , considering I later grew up to be none other than Jesus Christ himself -- this by way of [ TANTRA ] so I will literally kick the [ POPE ] 's teeth in if you deny me or my path -- which would be rather difficult to accomplish since it is entirely consistent with your Holy Gospel .
You'd think the Christian Church would welcome Me, its Eternal Saviour, back into into their loving arms -- or at least feed and clothe me ; but no -- they would much rather practice Ritualistic Satanic Execution upon me in their E . R . rooms as I lie dying once more before them .
Howsabout throwing me another nickel for my dispensation , Bishop / Judas ?
I mean , fuck : wasn't crucifying Jesus Christ once already enough ... ?
Quick Math :
One Thing Bad
Plus
One Thing Bad
Equal
Two Thing Bad
Wow ; eye for an eye -- that's one way to count to two , Rabbi !
Sounds like all your infernal machinations are rather downstream of " ought " .
Is ? Will ?
S'will .
Did you ever consider the origin of the [ ONE EYE ] in the first place ... ?
Ask -- but appeal not to the eternal wisdom of [ ODIN ] :
lest ;
" NEVERMORE .
Therefore :
I am the only one who can say the following words

The Body of Christ is Complete Within Me 

Seal Seal Seal .

The Body of Christ is Complete Within Me 

And just in case you still think I'm lying ( lol -- like you wouldn't lie just to bring your own filthy [ NAZI ] sect down one more putrid notch just to feel the ratchet against your throat ?! )
YES : the marks -- THOSE MARKS -- are still evident upon my body ; I just don't wanna show you because I'm tired of being ' admired ' by known pedophiles ; reminds me too much of [ PONOKA ] .
Weird , right ?
I achieved this feat [ MESSIAH ] by way of tantra and can confirm / dis-confirm the faith of any Christianist -- *REGARDLESS OF DENOMINATION OR STATION * -- to the point not only of [ EXCOMMUNICATION ] but of [ EXILE ] if necessary -- and that which lies well beyond : todash .
Jewish philosophers know what I'm on about ; omg you shall rue the day you ever thought to call me ' rabbi ' -- I know you still read my column, bro .
When my [ QUILL ] lands you shall surely supplicate and proclaim : " NEVERMORE !
And I, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE aka SHIVA shall smile and say : ' nay .
[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewRjZoRtu0Y ] .

So, [ VATICAN ] -- and by all conditions you should still be reading along, so please don't chicken out -- you guys got anyone else in the running for the position of Christ Child and/or Anti-Christ ? Probably not since I doubt you'll be willing and/or able to commit the same rate of pre-pedophilic , pedophilic , post-pedophilic abuse and violence on anyone period -- let alone any time before our meeting in person this July .
With regard to spiritual remuneration : I want your Papal signets / wands / emblems ( hidden ones especially ) / ceremonial knives / regalia ( hidden ones too -- but plz not yr nazti underwear ) ; cough 'em up NOW ; reach out to u/mor3PHEUS if you need help with where to mail your kit as only I can see to its cleansing .
" RETCH .
Even if that means dipping the implement in water and consecrating its presence to [ BECKON ] -- DO IT NOW OR DO IT NEVER !
Final warning, all Satanists ( Christians included ) !
Jorge Mario Bergoglio : I'm glad our conversation has proceeded so well thus far and has been entirely charitable and considerate on our end -- including upon Angelic lines . For yes , I do indeed hold Angelic Council and am recognized as an Ascended Master and Celestial Being ( i . e . I can conduct prayer to the point of Holy Confirmation and beyond ; i . e . my [ HALO ] has descended and is known as [ SOLACE ] and yes indeed does belong to [ LUCIFER ] ) -- beat that cocksuckers .
Can't wait to meet you in person this July with physical proof of this entire endeavour -- scalps and all ; can we at least get a selfie together or would that spook your Inner Saints too badly ... ?
Well you know what they say : there's no such thing as bad press !
Unless you're a liberal .
P . S . To all avowed Christians who have not been saved -- in person -- before Jesus Christ :
i . e . MYSELF :
You will rue the day you ever brought children into my Church ; let alone saw fit to raise them as your own ' flock ' ; for indeed you worship the [ GOAT ] and not the [ LAMB ] ; quelle surprise !
MAGGOTS : YOU ARE ENTIRELY EXPOSED ; NOW : < MELT > BEFORE THE FIRE OF [ DEATHWING ] .
( incidentally and of grave import regarding the above statement : for those wondering whether or not I am capable of conducting seance to the point of summoning the pope himself into my throat -- uhh, I've smelt Arch Bishop farts in my bedroom as I was conducting seance ; so yeah -- I guess I'm pretty good at [ PRANAYAMA ] too ; the above sentence was a direct response to a WITCH hectoring me during seance -- which is what I am doing right now ) .
Truly, to the very point of nausea, degradation, dehydration, asphyxiation, humiliation and exhaustion : I am sick to fucking death of you self-worshipping, self-admiring, self-appointing [ BAPHOMET ] ASSHOLES and what you have forced upon us all ; the very guilt of what you have done so already haunts you that you will scream " ECSTASY ! at the very moment I release you ; and I have celebrity clients who will in person testify with vim and vigour to that fact -- so it's a bit of a FUCK YOU if you dare to call me Rabbi one more time !
ALL CHRISTIANS -- ESPECIALLY the Seventh Day Adventists ( so called ! ) : leave us decent folks well the fuck alone !
And please : stop abducting, raping, and otherwise exploiting native children -- myself included ; that should just about put us square on the [ SIXTIES SCOOP ] issue , right ?
Over and out ;
[ ◆ / EULA ]

I realize I might be stirring up a hornets’ nest here because I’ve lurked here long enough to know that opinions on this subject vary widely and are strongly held.
I am skeptical about the usual dietary recommendations for treating mild, acute uncomplicated diverticulitis. Specifically, whether changes like clear liquid, soft liquid, or low fiber diets are really needed in all cases.
My own review of the literature confirms that the GI establishment stands by this recommendation, but only weakly, and only due a small risk obstruction or perforation -- not to promote healing or bowel rest or any of the other benefits I sometimes see mentioned.
I decided to look this up after experiencing now 6-7 flare-ups over 3 years and noticing no real difference in how quickly I recover despite what I eat.
I’m 42M, and stress that I am fortunate to have a fairly mild experience, although I’m certain the surgery is in my future sometime. My flare-ups usually start by feeling like a line of pulsating, really bad gas stretching across my abdomen followed by weeks of tenderness in the LLQ, and sometimes fever and aches. Each time it happens it gets a little worse. Confirmed once by CT scan, taken antibiotics twice.
I think discussing the need for liquid diets, especially the clear liquid diet, is worth doing because of its rather substantial effect on quality of life, energy level, and mental health. The cure cannot be worse than the disease, and in my line of work (lawyer), the clear liquid diet is too disruptive.
So what do I do when I have a flare-up? I eat less, shift to a low residue diet, and up my Miralax/Metamucil cocktail to twice a day (keeping in mind the distinction between residue and dietary fiber). This is based on striking a balance between minimizing the workload on my colon and the quality of life I need to maintain to function.
Finally, I’m agnostic about dietary recommendations for prevention. I have my suspicions about my own triggers (stress, beef, spicy foods, ibuprofen and aleve), but I am equally open to the possibility that this is basically random. Probiotics, anti-inflammatory supplements, fiber supplements might reduce the likelihood of flare-ups. But this post is about treatment, not prevention.
I would love to hear others’ opinions and experiences experimenting with the dietary recommendations for the acute phase of mild, uncomplicated diverticulitis.
Below is a sample from the scholarly literature on the subject. If you want to check for yourself, here is a link to a Google scholar search for `diverticulitis “liquid diet”`.
Dietary restrictions for acute diverticulitis: evidence-based or expert opinion? (2013)
“Notably, advising a more restrictive diet at presentation and hospitalization for a diverticulitis episode decreases the probability to be discharged and therefore might lead to longer hospitalization duration. This relation does not change after correction for age, gender, complications, antibiotic use, Hinchey classification and several other factors that are assumed to be related to disease severity.”
“There is currently no evidence supporting the use of dietary restrictions. Based on our results, employing dietary restrictions might unnecessarily prolong hospital stay. Prospective studies are however needed before solid conclusions on the safety and feasibility of an unrestricted diet can be drawn.”
An unrestricted diet for uncomplicated diverticulitis is safe: results of a prospective diverticulitis diet study (2017)
“The use of an unrestricted diet with no antibiotics in a first episode of acute uncomplicated diverticulitis appears to be safe. Unnecessary restrictive dietary measures might lead to needlessly long hospitalizations and costs.”
Systematic review of evidence and consensus on diverticulitis: an analysis of national and international guidelines (2014)
“Although dietary restriction is common practice for the treatment of acute diverticulitis, no guideline provides any fact-based evidence.”
AGA Clinical Practice Update on Medical Management of Colonic Diverticulitis: Expert Review
“Best Practice Advice 5: A clear liquid diet is advised during the acute phase of uncomplicated diverticulitis. Diet should advance as symptoms improve.
Patients with acute uncomplicated diverticulitis commonly present with anorexia and malaise. Although a small study suggested that a liquid diet is not necessary in the acute phase of diverticulitis, many patients report greater comfort on a clear liquid diet. This is potentially because diverticulitis can cause a mechanical obstruction and/or may be secondary to the systemic inflammation associated with this disease. It is reasonable to advise a clear diet during the acute phase of uncomplicated diverticulitis with the goal of patient comfort. Some patients want to advance their diet more quickly and that is also acceptable. If a patient is unable to advance their diet after 3–5 days, they should follow-up immediately.”
Management of colonic diverticulitis (2021)
“Despite limited evidence, bowel rest (consuming only liquids and avoiding all solid foods) is commonly recommended in the acute phase of diverticulitis. This recommendation is based on the small risk of progression to obstruction or perforation. This recommendation is reasonable in the acute setting of the hospital when surgery may be necessary, but preliminary work suggests that bowel rest may not be necessary for all patients with acute uncomplicated diverticulitis.”

I'll start by saying I am 33 years old. Even the though my partner is unable to have children, because of recent decision to become Poly (she has come to learn she is Bi and wants to experience more of that sie of her, and I have only ever been with my partner, so I can explore a bit more). We have decided as a safety measure, even though we would still be using condoms for safety, it would be best to get this procedure done as an additional safety precaution.
Woke up and had a yogurt and apple for breakfast before going to the surgery center, Was in the waiting room so long that I also ended up getting a bag of chips from the vending machine. This of course does not help at all with the nerves.
After being called I went to into the surgery room. They put a warm blanket over me to allow me to pull down my pants and underwear with some privacy (which I found ironic). After that, they began prepping everything. First, they placed the ice-cold disinfecting solution around my junk (seriously, it was cold). Next, they surround the privates with cloths for any blood. After that, the doctor began feeling around for the vascular tubes on the right side. After finding them he of course had to pinch them to make sure he didn't lose them, and then next came the shot for the numbing agent. This was easily the worst part. I definitely grunted in pain at the needle, and my whole body tensed up. If you have ever had the novocaine shot in the roof of your mouth for a dental procedure the pain to me was up there. The good news is the pain does not last long, and whatever they used was very quick-acting. After that, it was feeling a lot of tugging and pressure as the tubes were snipped. As for the cauterizing, I not only felt nothing but didn't smell anything neither. I was able to hold a conversation with the doctor and nurse for most of the process.
Next came the left side. They had to numb that side as well, and of course, it hurt, but not quite as bad as the right. Overall the left side was quicker than the right, and a lot less discomfort. According to the doctor, this has to do because of where he was standing during the procedure (a better angle), and just being more familiar with the inside of the scrotum.
After that, it was all said and done. Went home with the ice pack and directions for care. The hardest part was trying to get up from sitting down at the office and out of the car. Arriving home I rested alternating as best as I could with the ice pack every 20 minutes as they said. I did feel soar for all of the day and some discomfort but it was not unbearable. I did have on occasion, a shooting pain, that caused me to wince, but they never lasted more than a few seconds. The worst part is standing up and sitting down. While doable, it was not something I looked forward to at all. I will also say. The worst part of going to the bathroom was trying to poop. Peeing never hurt at all, but the issue with pooping is, you can't force it at all. So if you are someone who struggles with pooping in any way. I highly recommend increasing your fiber before the surgery and during or even stool softeners (things like fiber pills or Metamucil is best). I'll admit, I pooped at about 10 AM, had surgery at about 11 AM, and did not poop at all until the morning of day 2). The other scare I had was a sneeze. Luckily it was a fake sneeze, but I could feel my sack tense up. The swelling on day 1 was minor, and so was the bruising.
Finally, it came time for bed. Luckily my partner is smarter than me, and I am a side sleeper who moves around a lot in bed. She had the idea of using a pillow between my legs. This helped greatly and allowed me to get better sleep than I expected.
That is all I have for day 1. I will follow up tomorrow with my day 2 post.

I've been lurking around this subreddit for about 6 months and figured I'd finally share. This subreddit has been a good source of information, at times terrifying, but overall helpful. I'm just hoping to share my story right now, my ongoing challenges, and maybe some insights. Also to stop suffering alone, by sharing instead of being silent. This is a very isolating problem, especially in the COVID era, even though reportedly up to 50% of people may suffer from this at one point or another. A good friend, very fit trail runner type, just told me he's had hemorrhoids before. I don't know why, but it made me feel a little better knowing the universe didn't just hate my butthole.
Reading other people's stories has given me hope at times when I'm feeling low. Seeing other's recoveries, suggested remedies, and reports on things that don't work has been helpful for making me feel like I can at least _try_ to do things differently to help my situation and it's therefore not hopeless. This will be long, bulleted, and detailed, because maybe you and I will connect dots that are often left out of the shorter posts here. Also, thanks to people like u/FreeDogRun who give back to this community by sharing useful information. We should really have more posts like this, that make it easier to find information in the future. For example, I have been researching Daflon/diosmin/Venixxa effectiveness lately and would like to post that info separately, as people's shared experiences here are few and far between (i.e. shared as responses to other posts or comments, really hard to find).
TL; DR: Dealing with hems has been a journey of learning more about how my body works and responds to things, something I really didn't think about until this year. I'll talk about why I'm writing today (dealing with another hem, yay!), my body and habits, my hemorrhoid history, and what I've been trying to do deal with these. Up to this point I haven't had any significant treatments beyond creams and dietary changes. I'm still suffering from a single internal and external hemorrhoid, but feel I like I've made "some progress". Things that seem to have helped me in the last 8 weeks: a Squatty Potty, the "right" amount of fiber, staying well hydrated, low starch/empty carb diet, Miralax (1/2 cap total per day) and Magnesium oxide (500 - 750 mg) for stool softening, warm sitz baths for swelling/relief, and micronized diosmin (500-1000 mg).** In this order. The information on the internet and here even can feel contradictory or straight up confusing. D
Current Situation: Today, I had a very difficult BM for the first time in about 5 months. This hard BM resulted in blood in my stool, also for the first time in 3 months. My internal hem has never "poked" out, so I think it is very low grade. I am also literally just recovering from an external hemorrhoid that lasted about 10 days. I'm hoping the external doesn't flare up while the internal starts to heal.
And that's where I'm at today. I sat in a warm sitz bath for 40 minutes, kind of in a daze. Feeling like I really screwed up and am my own worst enemy. I let my guard down with my working routines and am now paying for it. At the same time, I have learned a lot about hemorrhoids and feel like I have made progress. So I'm trying to stay hopeful.
About Me: 33M, non-smoker, remote office worker (I tend to sit or stand still a lot), American, 95% vegan (I am lactose intolerant but will occasionally eat chicken and fish, my wife is vegan and I cook a lot). I would say I was more physically active before COVID hit but not physically fit (played recreation league team sports, did casual biking a few times a week, walking 3x per day). These days, I've mostly been trying to hit 10,000 walking steps per day (about 4 miles, not always consistent) and throw in hiking when I can.
Hemorrhoid history:

• 2017: developed my first external hemorrhoid after a 2-day bout of diarrhea. Doctor said I was probably wiping too much and irritated the backside. It was uncomfortable to sit and wipe, but I didn't have a lot of pain as long as I was sitting a certain way.
• He prescribed me antibiotics (for the diarrhea) and hydrocortisone 2.5%. From what I remember, the hem went away after about 7-10 days of cream application. I did not go through any other treatment like a sitz bath or adding extra fiber (doctor never actually mentioned these).
• August 2020: because of circumstances due to the pandemic, my wife and I ended up moving to a different state. Just the two of us were packing up our house and moving around a lot of heavy stuff. This was a time period when people weren't getting together for safety reasons, and I wasn't comfortable asking my friends for help, so I ended up moving a lot of stuff myself. This was also a stressful time period, on top of the heavy lifting, and I developed an external hemorrhoid 3 days before having to jump in a car for a 20 hour drive. It was uncomfortable to sit in a certain way and even laugh in the beginning.
• I started applying the hydrocortisone 2.5% cream right away. The drive actually wasn't terrible and by the time we arrived in our new state, the hemorrhoid had subsided significantly. We moved furniture into our apartment by ourselves again but this didn't seem to exacerbate my hem and it went away.
• October 2020: I woke up around midnight with intense stomach pains. I hadn't gone number 2 the day before and thought I was constipated. Up till now, my bowel movements were pretty regular and never bothered me (I would go twice a day, usually both in the morning with no straining). I tried to have a BM to alleviate the pain but nothing would "move". I sat on the toilet for at least 30-45 minutes, straining very excessively to pass gas or have a BM. A bit of stool eventually came out, but not the amount I was expecting based on the pain. The stomach pain felt like really bad gas (like when I would eat dairy), so it would come in waves of lower and higher intensity. I went back to bed to try and sleep and rest. The entire next day was spent laying in bed coiled over in pain, trying to sit on the toilet trying to have a bowel movement, and taking warm showers for relief. I also started vomiting water every time I tried to drink so I thought I had food poisoning. 12 hours later, I eventually had a tele-doc session with a nurse about my symptoms. He recommended I go straight to the Emergency Room (ER) because I was very pale, in pain, and clearly dehydrated. Good call, Ben...thank you. My wife took me to the ER and I barely had the strength to walk up and sign myself in.
• I believe this event is what "introduced" me to a cycle of an internal hemorrhoid and issues with an external one. I also believe the antibiotics have changed my gut microbes in a way to where I am digesting/processing food differently now, which in turn has affected my bowel movements.
• The doctors performed some inconclusive tests on me (urine, blood...i couldn't poo again at this point so no stool) and hooked me up with a fluid IV. They suspected I was suffering from "acute gastritis", I guess bacteria going wild in my gut...probably from something I ate. I was sent home with antibiotics and Motrin. The IV made me feel immediately better, and the antibiotics seemed to alleviate the stomach pain within a few hours. I didn't have anymore stomach pain after this.
• I stuck to a very simple diet of bread, soup, apple sauce, rice, and bananas as the doctor recommended for two weeks. During this recovery period, I started to occasionally see a small amount of blood during my BMs. I had a Zoom follow-up with a Gastroenterologist who also concluded I probably got sick somehow from a bug of some kind, and that I shouldn't worry about any additional lifestyle or diet changes. I mentioned bright red blood in my stool (not a lot) to the Gastro, but he said to not worry about it unless it lasted for 2 weeks.
• November 2020 to February 2021: After the Gastro check-in, I would intermittently have blood in my BM for 2-3 days and then not for several days. Sometimes I would have some discomfort passing stool too, but nothing like what is described in the Anal Fissures subreddit (knock on wood). I started checking out hemorrhoid and AnalFissure for information. I ended up experimenting with adding Metamucil and Colace (docusate sodium) into my daily routine (different amounts, different times of day), eating more vegetables and legumes, reducing alcohol and coffee consumption, and really cutting down on starchy or flour-based foods (white rice, potatoes, bread). During this time I also kept a journal of my daily meals, supplements, and bowel movements. I would say this diet shift helped somewhat, but I was still seeing in some BMs. I have lost about 20 pounds due to this dietary shift, without extra exercise.
• Regularly seeing blood during my BMs was starting to become pretty distressing, so I scheduled another appointment with my Gasto (via Zoom) and also a Family Medicine doctor who would actually see me in person. I described the blood in stool symptoms to the Gastroenterologist, but he just "prescribed" doubling my Metamucil intake and that was it. He also said we could do a colonoscopy but had the opinion that this was definitely a hemorrhoid, maybe a fissure. I doubled up my fiber and immediately started having blood in my BMs more regularly. After a few days, I decreased my Metamucil dosage and started to go back to where I was...blood every few days.
• My visit with the Family Medicine doctor was also not super helpful, as other people have described on this subreddit. She was MUCH more receptive to listening to my situation (I only ever talked to the Gastro for 5 minutes on Zoom before he rushed me off), asked me a lot of questions about what I was doing diet/exercise/supplement wise, and overall seemed to really care. She concluded that I seemed to be "doing everything right" with my diet, fiber, and Colace usage and said to just stay the course. I continued to have blood in my BMs after this.
• I eventually suffered from another external hemorrhoid after the doctor's visit. I began using Venixxa (micronized diosmin pills) as a different approach to dealing with this, and supplemented with one warm sitz bath a day (was a busy time with work and I couldn't do this regularly). The hem still lasted for about 7-10 days, but I felt like the micronized diosmin helped to alleviate the pressure and discomfort that I was feeling with this hem.
• February 2021 - May 2021: Someone posted on hemorrhoid a medical meta-analysis of the effectiveness of Colace (docusate sodium). I'll have to dig up the post and the study, but it concluded that there was not strong evidence that docusate sodium actually made stools softer (https://www.reddit.com/AnalFissures/comments/lvu4al/before_you_try_docusate/)(courtesy of u/FreeDogRun***)***. Most of the studies also appeared to be 40+ years old with little to no recent research. From here, I concluded that perhaps my stools were still not soft enough to allow my internal hem to heal. I started taking 1/2 cap of Miralax per day and also added Magnesium (500 mg) into my daily regimen. The 'no hem' period: This is when I started to really recover internally. After 3 days of Miralax, I stopped seeing blood in my stool. This continued for 8 weeks. I also didn't get an external hem during this time period. This major shift has shown me that the information about hemorrhoids really IS confusing and contradictory. Perhaps because there's not a lot of money to be made in advancing hem treatments. Perhaps because our research system does NOT value repeat studies on subjects that have "already been explored", after all...why fund research that has already been concluded and accepted?
• Last few days (today): An external hem I got, probably from lifting heavy boxes for a neighbor, has subsided after 8 days. This was a mental setback for sure, but the swelling went down with some consistent follow-up action. I was diligently taking 2-3 warm sitz baths a day, micronized diosmin, and applying hydrocortisone cream. I'm still learning what and how external hems get triggered within my body. I haven't really been exercising regularly beyond walking, so I feel like my body is probably weaker than before COVID.
• A very close friend was just visiting for a short weekend, our first visitor since moving. We've gone out to eat twice (no alcohol), and today I am suffering from a slip in my dietary choices. I have eaten out over the last 8 weeks (the 'no hem' period) and kind of gotten into what was a working routine. I have been very picky about what I eat and order (really avoiding bread, potato, rice, and starch heavy foods) and also taking Metamucil with me to combine with the meal. I don't ever eat out more than once a week because restaurant food is almost always heavy on starch and light on fiber-rich ingredients. I also try to consciously eat more fruit, vegetables, and greens on these days. My last few meals have been falafel+eggs, yucca fries, a big chicken+rice+bean burrito, and a croissant despite staying hydrated. I supplemented these meals with 3g of fiber per, but otherwise did not eat any extra fruit, vegetables, or fiber rich foods. Doing the math in retrospect, I definitely did not even hit 20g of fiber. In my own vocabulary, I ate too much "dry" (not a lot of moisture) low-fiber foods that ended with plugging me up and irritating my internal hem.
• Today I had the most difficult BM of the last 5 months. I got the urge to go, but after sitting on the toilet nothing happened. I got up after 5 minutes and waited, doing this twice with no outcome. I walked around the block, and even sat in a warm bath for 15 minutes because this is not normal (anxiety starting to rise). Finally, after the warm bath, I had a stronger feeling and was able to pass a tiny amount of stool. I ended up pushing to pass the stool after sitting there for too long, because I started panicking that I'd become more constipated and harden the stool if it didn't pass, and a large stool slowly came out. More stool than I normally pass (think I had an incomplete BM the day before as well). It was not comfortable at all but also didn't feel painful, probably a Type 2 on the Bristol scale. There was a small amount of blood on the stool and a quarter sized splotch of blood on the toilet paper. God fucking damn it, back to square one.

So here I am, sitting on a heating pad and kind of scared to eat again. Comparing my situation to other's on this subreddit, my hemorrhoids have been pretty mild (knock on wood). I really want to explore all conservative, non-invasive options before even considering surgery of some kind.
I have also definitely noticed some major changes with my body this year. I'm probably weaker from exercising less. I'm more sensitive to foods after taking antibiotics. I'm definitely more sensitive to alcohol. Could just be age finally catching up with me.
The average doctor doesn't really seem to care much for dealing with these things, and it does feel like a complicated disease. So this subreddit and community has been very helpful.
Thanks for listening.
Routines

• Toilet: My new normal morning routine is to drink at least 1-2 glasses of water and then my body kicks off a BM about 20-30 minutes later. I have been moisturizing my anus with some lotion before the BM, use a Squatty Potty stool, lean forward, resist the urge to push, and have been able to pass a stool in no more than 2-3 minutes consistently for the last 3 months. If I can't pass a stool within 5 minutes of sitting, I get up and go on my morning walk and sip some coffee before the urge really kicks in. I clean up using a Peri bottle with warm water and light dabbing. With good fiber intake, the Squatty Potty noticeably makes most BMs fall right out and I now have a travel version for when that time ever comes to visit friends and family.
• Diet: I almost exclusively eat vegetarian at home (20 out of 21 meals a week), with the occasional chicken or fish consumed if we order or eat out. In the last few months, my wife and I have been trying to adopt an even more "plant based, fiber rich" diet advocated by Dr. Will Bulsiewicz. First, don't get me wrong neither of us have ever tried or been interested in fad diets. After my gastritis episode and having to take antibiotics though, I noticed my GI system was not the same anymore.
• We don't count calories or grams of fiber every day. The diet is focused on consuming 20-25 different vegetables+fruits+legumes a week, learning which FODMAP heavy foods you're sensitive to, and eating very little in the way of starchy vegetables/grains like white rice, bread, and white potatoes. All of this is in service to building a more diverse gut flora that should lead to a healthier life with fewer negative gut medical issues. Among other things, I found out that lots of garlic and onions make me pretty gassy, two ingredients I normally used every day and in heavy amounts (I love the flavors)! Tomato paste/sauce is also a trigger for me and certain kinds of beans. The idea here is to not cut out things that irritate you, but to know what does, recognize it, and perhaps consume it in amounts that DON'T cause gastric distress.
• I know there aren't a lot of vegetarians/vegans out there, so my diet shift from "vegetarian" to "plant based" may be confusing. In short, I've drastically reduced (but not 100% eliminated) eating wheat based products (bread, pasta, pastries), white rice, and white potatoes. So in the past, a vegetarian dinner for me might look like fried rice with some sauteed vegetables and protein thrown in (80% white rice, 10% vegetables, 10% tofu/seitan/tempeh). Now, that same recipe is more like 70% vegetables, 10% protein, and 20% brown rice or quinoa (i.e. much less rice in general).
• I have found that taking a teaspoon of Metamucil (3 g of fiber) with my meals and staying well hydrated also helps keep stool pretty soft, BUT will not alone lead to easy to pass stools. For this reason I don't really eat sandwiches (I really miss banh mi), bread , or potatoes anymore unless I can absolutely confirm the fiber content, despite also supplementing with fiber.
• Meds: Miralax seems to have been the most impactful thing I take now. I was very hesitant to try out a laxative, but based on its mode of action...Miralax does not appear to train your colon to behave in a certain way (i.e. with external stimulation, like senna or other laxatives). Instead, it's a powder that draws water into the colon, much like salty wateelectrolyte fluid might, but without dehydrating your body. I had just started to decrease my Miralax intake before this last hemorrhoid hit, so I'm unsure of how my BMs will change with a change here.
• Diosmin is a naturally occurring compound found in citrus fruit that reportedly has beneficial effects on your circulatory system and veins. This probably deserves its own post. There have been a few recent medical studies (last 10 years) on its effects related to hemorrhoids with overall positive results. The positive results point towards a reduction in symptoms for short term relief, but I haven't found anything about long-term treatment or effects (i.e. can long-term usage be a conservative prevention versus surgeries?). I found out about this through browsing this subreddit and have noted that this does not seem to be a common treatment prescribed in the US (or at all). It is branded under many names including: Daflon, Omnivein, and Venixxa. The really tricky thing with diosmin is that research shows you must consume a preparation of it that is "micronized" (sometimes labelled "MPFF", which stands for 'micronized purified flavonoid fraction'). I don't know the science or process here, but it involves a method that makes the diosmin more readily absorbed by your body rather than being simply excreted. There are LOTS of herbal supplements that supposedly contain Diosmin, but they do not always state whether they contain the micronized version (probably not). Just this week I found there is an even newer version of diosmin being explored that is more readily absorbed than micronized MPFF, this is called 'µSMIN Plus' ("microsmin plus"?). This one is a bit harder to look up because it uses a Greek symbol in the name and is appears to be very new.
• Magnesium. After starting Miralax, I noticed that my stools would get pretty loose if I increased how much magnesium oxide I was taking per day, ranging between 250mg to 750mg per day. I have read that people who practice vegetarian and vegan diets often have a magnesium deficiency, which is then related to having harder stools. Magnesium is also related to how your colon moves food along in your GI. This one probably deserves its own post and discussion as well, because there are a few different kinds of Magnesium and it doesn't always get touted around here.

Redarcs gave me a suggestion the other day. This burbled in my gut for a few days, just kinda stuck. I took some Metamucil and it managed come out. Reddit reallydoesn't like screenplay format. I've attempted to make it readable. Or you can read the pdf here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/10y3-Ppx-iA796u5sUSLxxJ-b384jkZwv/view?usp=sharing
​

FADE IN:

INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

RR'HICK, an average height, pudgy Cthulhu-esque alien, is walking behind the counter. Customers are milling about the store
​

CUT TO: INT. PAWNSHOP COUNTER - DAY

REG, a short furry, raccoon-like alien, walks up to the counter.
RR'HICK: What can I do for you?
REG: I have this thing I’d like to sell
REG sets an item on the counter.
RR'HICK: It looks like a spoon.
​

CUT TO: EXT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

REG: My name is Reg and I’m here to sell my fancy human spoon
​

CUT TO: INT. PAWN SHOP COUNTER - DAY

RR'HICK: That is an interesting spoon. Mind if I pick it up?
REG: Go right ahead.
RR’HICK picks up the object, and turns it over in his hands.
RR'HICK: It’s definitely got some human markings on it.
RR’HICK points to a small mark on the underside of the neck of the spoon.
RR'HICK: This appears to be some kind of Imperial stamp. Either Third or Fourth Empire. Maybe even Restored Republic.
REG nods
RR'HICK: Where did you come across this?
REG: I’m a garbage collector and I ran across this while loading trash into the hopper. It rolled out from under some other garbage. It was so pretty I picked it up. When I brushed it off I realized it was something special and put it in my pocket.
RR'HICK: How come I never just randomly run across anything this cool?
I do have a concern. It’s awfully thick for a human spoon. I wonder if this is a human artefact or if it’s a spoon made by some other people and just using the Imperial marks for decoration.
REG: Hmmm.
RR'HICK: Do you mind if I call a buddy of mine to take a look at it? He knows everything there is to know about human empires. Can you hang out for a few minutes?
REG: Sounds good.
RR'HICK: Ok. I’ll go give him a call.
​

CUT TO: INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

REG is standing alone
REG: I look forward to what the expert has to say. I’m curious to find out what this is. I’m also curious to find out what it’s worth.
​

CUT TO: RR'HICKS OFFICE

RR'HICK: I want this. A human artefact from the Fourth Empire would look AMAZING in my shop… For the right price, of course. HEHEHE
​

CUT TO: INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

BIRD OF KNOWLEDGE, a large owl like sapient is standing in the Pawn Shop.
BIRD: My name is (high pitched trilling whistles), but RR’HICK calls me the Great BIRD OF KNOWLEDGE. I am the head of the Star Port City museum system. And RR’HICK calls me in when he doesn’t know if a piece is an actual artefact or not.
​

CUT TO: INT. PAWN SHOP COUNTER - DAY

BIRD walks up to the counter.
BIRD: Hello RR’HICK. How can I help you today?
RR'HICK: Well, I was hoping you could tell us a little bit about this
RR’HICK hands the spoon to BIRD
BIRD: OH! Well this is VERY interesting. This is a human device called an “Ice Cream Scoop”.
RR'HICK: Heheh. OK. What’s “Ice Cream”?
BIRD: Ice cream is a human concoction made from animal secretions, mixed with flavorants like desiccated bean husk or an extract of partially rotted seeds, and served frozen.
RR'HICK: UGH!
BIRD: It was considered a delicacy.
Now, Ice cream is not to be confused with the very similar dish, ‘pudding’ which is made from the same stuff, but adds starches until it is the consistency of mucus. Served cold, but not frozen.
REG: Cold, fake mucus? Why…?
BIRD: Because eating actual mucus would be gross. The thermal liquid appears to have leaked out and the button mechanism isn’t functioning anymore. But it is in remarkably good condition for an item this ancient. That’s human craftsmanship, for you.
They would scoop out the ‘ice cream’ from its container like this.
demonstrates the motion
This particular scoop appears to have had a thermal liquid in the handle. That would have moved heat from the human’s hand into the scoop. This would help it cut into the frozen ice cream. Then they would press this button to release it into the serving dish.
RR'HICK: HEHEHE. Why would they have a tool for such an oddly specific purpose?
BIRD: Who knows?
REG: Is it valuable?
BIRD: I can’t speak to its value. I can only speak to its authenticity and histriostity. The materials are right for human artefacts of the 4th Empire. The markings are consistent with the 4th Empire. The decorations and inlays indicate this was used in an upper class household.
REG: Could it have been used by the Imperial family?
BIRD: That would take more research. The stamps were used on just about anything made in the 4th Empire. To find out which noble house used this scoop would require going through the old imperial property chain codes. That is, if the codes still exist. The 4th Empire did fall 3000 years ago.
RR'HICK: Well thanks for stopping by and giving us that information.
RR’HICK shakes hands with BIRD. BIRD walks out of the store.
RR'HICK: What were you looking to do with it? Pawn it or sell it?
REG: I’m looking to sell.
RR'HICK: OK. What were you looking to get out of it?
REG: How about 10 thousand?
DISPLAY “$$10,000” ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN
RR’HICK rubs the back of his neck.
RR'HICK: I’ll give you 500 for it.
DISPLAY “WAS 10,000 NOW $$500” ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN
REG: Come on. It’s a three thousand year old relic of a dead empire. You’re not gonna get another one of these anytime soon.
How about nine thousand?
RR'HICK: There’s damage. It’s going to end up sitting and taking up shelf space I could use for other more sellable items. I gotta get it framed… I’m taking all the risk on it.
I can go five fifty
DISPLAY "WAS $$500 NOW “$$550” ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN
REG: Look at this beautiful inlaid handle. That is peak human craftsmanship.
RR'HICK: How about six hundred? That’s cash money right now. No waiting a year for an auction. No auction fees. Cash, not crypto that can take days to confirm.
REG: Hmmm… What about eight thousand?
RR'HICK: Two thousand. That’s as high as I can go.
REG: Three thousand.
RR'HICK: Twenty-five hundred.
REG: Deal.
RR’HICK and REG shake hands.
RR'HICK: Great! Let’s go over here and do some paperwork.
​

CUT TO: EXT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

REG: I sold my fancy spoon for twenty-five hundred double dollars. One sapient’s trash was my treasure. I’m gonna go buy an unreasonable amount of drugs.

FADE OUT:

​

CUT TO: COMMERCIAL

​

CUT TO: EXT. MUSEUM - DAY

RR’HICK walks into the museum.
RR'HICK (VOICE OVER): A while ago I bought a scoop and had the Bird of Knowledge dig deeper into its history.
​

CUT TO: INT. BIRD OF KNOWLEDGE'S OFFICE - DAY

BIRD: Hello, RR'HICK.
RR'HICK: Hi, Bird. Were you able to dig up any more information on the scoop?
BIRD: Well, these scoops were a mass produced item. And the stamps were on just about everything sold in the empire. The imperial stamp was used to control trade. Your business was inspected, for a fee, of course. Then you could license the stamp, for another fee. That gave you the ability to put the stamp on your products. Ostensibly this was to make sure goods met Imperial standards for safety, and working conditions and things like that. In practice, you just bribed the inspector. Especially towards the end of the empire
BIRD turns the scoop over in his hands.
Now this mark is special. This seal is only used on items that were destined to the Imperial Palace. So this may have been used to serve ice cream to one of the Emperors or their children.
RR'HICK: OK. Were you able to link it to any particular emperor?
BIRD: I was. See this serial number? I found this serial number in the imperial chain codes. This scoop was owned by three emperors and actually used by one...sort of.
RR'HICK: Sort of?
BIRD: This was acquired by the Imperial House under the reign of Emperor Chucky V, and was used by his great grand-daughter Empress Penelope.
RR'HICK: Now, how do you know this Empress Penelope actually used this scoop for ice cream.
BIRD: Well, now I didn’t say she used it for ice cream. (chuckles)
RR'HICK: What did she use it for?
BIRD: On Princess Penelope’s 13th birthday, members of a radical republic restoration faction bribed their way into the palace. They raided the birthday party and attacked the Emperor and his family. In the struggle Penelope used this scoop to gouge out the eye of the fanatic that was holding her. Her mother was killed and her father was mortally wounded and died a few days later.
I was even able to find archival footage from the security cameras of the attack. Would you like to see it?
RR'HICK: Are you serious? Sure! I would love to see it.
BIRD: I must warn you, it is very violent and gory.
RR'HICK: Go ahead.
BIRD rotates his monitor around to show footage of the event.
​

CUT TO: EXT. IMPERIAL GARDEN PARTY - DAY

A scene of unimaginable violence and gore

CUT TO: INT. BIRD'S OFFICE - DAY

BIRD: An uncle was appointed as Regent until she was old enough to assume the throne.
Empress Penelope was an interesting figure. She was known as Penelope the Great, Penelope the Fierce, Penelope the Cruel, Empress of Blood, The Savage Queen, and then there’s the names her enemies gave her.
BOTH: (both chuckle)
RR'HICK: What was to stop that uncle from just assuming the throne for himself?
BIRD: The uncle was actually appointed by the Emperor before he died. He had previously renounced his titles and was living as an ordinary citizen. A citizen with a generous stipend, but citizen nonetheless. The Emperor figured his brother, who did not wish to be royalty, would make a good regent.
RR'HICK: Humans have such weird governments. A specific genetic line is in charge, until it isn’t. Then it gets replaced by an elected representative body, until that stops working. Then an oligarchy, then an emperor again. What are they calling themselves now? The 7th Empire of Man or Terra or something like that?
BIRD: I believe they are currently calling themselves “The Glorious Eternal Empire of Man, VII”. But there has apparently been a great deal of unrest and republic restoration talk in the news out of human space lately.
RR'HICK: It’s unstable and stable at the same time. I find my species’ method of government much better. Our females spend a large amount of time in the breeding pools guarding the eggs and larvae. They use this time to deliberate. When they need something done on the surface, they make a writ and attach it to a sword. Then they hold it aloft and an appointed male takes the sword as a symbol of authority over whatever is in the writ.
BIRD: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. For my people, supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony.
RR'HICK: Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
Both chuckle
RR'HICK: How would something like this have gotten here, and end up in the trash?
BIRD: Well, there was a time, about two thousand years ago, this planet was a part of the sixth human empire. It must have found its way here. As to how it wound up in the trash? People throw away all kinds of things not knowing what they are.
​

CUT TO: INT. RR'HICK'S OFFICE - DAY

RR'HICK: This is fantastic. This scoop is a relic and was actually used by a human empress. I kinda wish I hadn’t SEEN how she used it. Hehehe. I should be able to get a LOT money for this

Welcome back to another recrap of BT90D: the season where all the best characters are moms, children, cats, or dogs. One of the last couples standing is Baby Girl Lisa and Baby Love Usman, who is starting to think being the master of Nigerian hip hop is good enough for him. Last episode, Lisa was shocked to learn she needs evidence of her divorce before she can get started on her second one. This is clearly Usman’s fault, since she left him in charge of The Google.
So now Lisa unfurls her smoker’s rasp on an unsuspecting York, PA court clerk, while demonstrating her four varieties of pursed lips: the Mitch McConnell, the thirsty lizard, the Metamucil, and the Newport Softpack. The clerk attempts to explain bureaucracy and paperwork, and Lisa demands to know if they can do The Email, unless Hillary Clinton has them stored in her basement with pizza. The clerk decides to make an exception for the sake of escaping this phone call, and low and behold, Lisa’s latest two-hour tantrum shows itself to be a two-minute problem. Usman showers her with kisses, while we all astral project to our respective safe spaces, and then Lisa heads for a bath, her tongue darting in and out to best detect the presence of water.
Two short hours after this non-existent obstacle is overcome, Lisa puts her sweatband back on to race towards the next empty-headed hurdle. She and Usman go out for a little alcohol and accusations, and Lisa claims she saw Usman’s phone, and you know what that means: fee-males. She says he’s been texting back and forth with a WHORE who claims to love him, and she wants to know if she needs to unfurl a Geoffrey-level cyber stalk so her criminal file can catch a few more pages. Lisa took pictures of his phone with her phone, and with this binder full of evidence, she’s ready to assault Usman with a word salad she’s made from Waiting to Exhale, Beyonce, and reruns of The Wire.
Lisa: You think you’re a wannabe player, but it kinda looks like you’re succeeding. Damn. Who runs the world? Girls.
Usman: Why would I only have one fish on the line when I am a fisherman?
Lisa: This is the bitch that put a sad emoji on your post about me. Do you know what that means? It means unhappiness, Usman. Are you listening?
Usman: I’m not listening.
Lisa: She said I love you, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Usman: Someone with an inbox?
Lisa: Darnell! I need a new bedroom set!
Usman: I only say I love you because that is something I say. Have you heard my song? That is my thing.
Lisa: You come at the King, you best not miss.
Usman: Oooo! Omar! That’s Omar, right? Yes, HBO!
Lisa: I got 50 men in the states I can marry.
Usman: No one believes this.
Lisa: Block these fee-males and clean up this page tonight. A musician doesn’t need fans to perform in a gazebo in York.
Usman: I’ve made a mistake.
Lisa: I’ve been playing this game longer than you’ve been alive, and it doesn’t matter that my game is dusty and on layaway, because I believe that’s match point.
Usman: How can I trust you keeping score when you count the number zero as 50?
Lisa storms off and tells him to go back to his goat, who is a more consistent and nurturing romantic partner than Lisa anyway. Usman decides to finish his drink and maybe text a few backburner ladies in the meantime, while Lisa slows her gait hoping that he suddenly feels inspired to sprint after her. Eventually he realizes he’s going to have to reduce the heat on this evening’s meltdown, and he asks her to come back to the table and talk about this. She flounces back, declaring, “I can’t wait to be back in the land of the fucking free, and decent fucking people.” Yep, Lisa is definitely holding up a picket sign outside of a Costco to demand freedom from the tyranny of face masks, before she calls the checkout clerk an asshole for not having the gallon sized containers of jam, because China.
Usman declares that he will not be commanded by her except when he is, which is all the time. He tells her the same shit about emails from fans he told her six episodes ago, and Lisa makes Mitch McConnell face, and says she’s afraid he’s going to cheat on her, like the 50+ “decent” men back in the states who totally want to marry her. Lisa declares herself confident that she’s put Usman “in his place” which she’ll continue to file in the win column long after he’s moved on.
Speaking of doomed, somewhere in Australia, Avery wakes up with Ash, who she rode all the way to bone town as their relationship wilted in the wind. Ash comes out in a towel to further underscore the foundation of their relationship, which seems a good deal better than a pay-to-play dating ap or a plastic youtube star on the hunt for subscribers.
Avery brings up her conversation with Sian the day before, and Ash gets nervous, because Sian has all the tea, but has too much integrity to traumatize a child by sharing it. Ash gives the same reason for their delayed divorce that Sian provided, and Avery rushes to toss him a biscuit for being on the same page before he can talk his foot into his mouth. Ash mumbles something about not wanting negativity, and Avery writes a tshirt for the entire self-help movement: “There is a difference between creating negativity and being real with reality.” Avery, are you sure you belong on this show? I mean, it’s considered reality tv, but we don’t really mean it.
This brief foray into truth gives Avery enough ammo to work very, very hard to mute the marching band of red flags that flashed in sync last episode. She pivots to the bigger issue, taking Taj to the US of A, which Ash insists is something Sian “initially” agreed to, but yeah, no. Avery has a solution that she culled from her conversation with Sian, and suggests that perhaps Ash could visit her three months out of the year, and devote the rest of his time to raising Taj. Ash supports this plan with a double actually. Avery is equally stoked, since they managed to talk without Ash accusing her of gnawing his face with verbal vomit.
Beef squashed, they head out to pick up Taj so they can throw rocks at ducks in a park, like a family. Ash declares that Taj has the superhuman ability to identify a car by sound alone, and summons an example from a recent outing. Taj corrects him that he was able to identify the car because he saw it, which officially earns Taj a place next to Mother Usman and Mother Erika in Camp Awesome.
“My dad exaggerates everything. It’s kind of his thing,” Taj explains. “Pointing out these exaggerations is kind of my thing. It’s going to get worse when I’m a teenager. By worse, I mean better.” Taj is right.
Avery reflects on her fantasy about combining their families, including her daughter Sailboat (Silver? Whatever, I like Sailboat better) and just to underscore the point they flash a photo of the gorgeous child. Avery says she realizes she has to go home soon and she’s going to miss Ash, and hey, way to be in an actual relationship.
In Donzo, Thailand, Ed flip-flops back to his hotel room, assuming that Rose will still be there, warming his basket of prophylactics in her armpit, eager to embrace a mealy-mouthed self-serving whiny warbling pouty-lip apology. Rose, however, knows that “I’m done” means “goodbye” and has noped the fuck out before Ed tries to grope-hug her or hand her another hygiene product. Now Ed is left to decide for himself whether to pack or wear his bright orange sneakers onto the plane, while feeling sorry for himself and fully ignoring that whole part of the narrative where he’s a compulsive liar.
Hey guys, Steph is here to further rationalize tossing Erika for withholding crucial ex data. Erika, on the other hand, has to deal with the fact that real-life Stephanie is a completely different person from the girl she got to know online, who was fun and flirty and sexual. I imagine this must feel like falling in love with someone, and then they just disappear.
Erika drives three hours for a conversation that could have been a phone call. As Erika sits down Stephanie declares an intention to end on a positive note, and begins rationalizing her behavior. Erika isn’t sure about being on good terms, and explains that after months of gooing over the possibility of a shared life, Stephanie broke up with her just like that. Erika calls her out about figuring out her shit before playing with someone’s heart, and reminds Steph that if she had issues with her friendships, her exes, her sexual history, she could have voiced all of this prior to boarding a plane. She’s got Stephanie’s number, and knows she was just used for a tv show.
Stephanie asks if theres anything else to talk about, and Erika says no, and that she just wants to forget everything, but she can’t, because her family and friends have met Stephanie and are going to ask about her. Steph counters that she has to go home and be upset and not tell anyone, except she will, she just can’t let Erika have any pain she doesn’t try to trump.
Erika seems genuinely heartbroken. Stephanie seems like she doesn’t want to miss her plane.
Erika returns to her parents’ house, and sits down to give her wonder-mom an update on her relationship with Stephanie. Erika leaves out the whole part where she concealed a 10-year on/off relationship, and says she feels like it’s always her giving so much.
“That’s because of your beautiful soul, Erika,” Mother Erika says. Then Erika says that Steph is not ready for any kind of relationship (facts), and Mother Erika brings the warmth with: “You will find someone who sees you for who you are.” Mom goes on to say that this relationship was not for nothing, and she’s so glad Erika could come and talk with her about everything.
I feel a twinge. Does anyone else feel a twinge? I think it’s a feeling. Great, now they’re plural, and can breed.
Erika is still glad she told her mom that shes bi, even though things went south with Stephanie. Her mother repeats that she just wants Erika to be happy and appreciated, and then her mom hugs her because OF COURSE SHE DOES THAT BETTER NOT BE A THIRD FEELING.
We haven’t had nearly enough footage of folks staring at their phones in confusion, so here’s Yolanda to fill that hole in our souls. Yep, that’s a phone all right. Maybe she can take a photo of it and send it to Lisa for verification. Yep, those are text messages. Looking at her phone in her living room. Totally different from everyone’s daily experience.
If this show has jumped the shark, David drove the boat, and Yolanda strapped on the water skis.
Oh yes, David. After years of shoveling dollar after dollar into a paid dating site for the privilege of interacting with his girlfriend of seven years, David is ready to embrace his beloved, and for the first time in five attempts, Lana has shown up. David does him MmmMMmm so that she’ll recognize him. Lana just looks confused.
90DF does one of those 24 hour flashbacks they love, so we can see Lana working out at the gym with guidance from Anfisa’s Red Bag Fitness Fight. Then she shops for makeup. Couldn’t David have found someone with an identical set of priorities on the average sugar baby site? Lana expresses to the producers that she never expected to meet a foreigner like David on a website for foreigners. Then she heads to a coffee shop, which is a great place to be busy with your nephew’s hockey tournaments. While she’s sitting there, a friend calls, and Lana reports that she’s planning to meet a 60 year-old American who lives in Vegas and is paid well, and the friend says, “Oooo I hear they have a short life expectancy there!”
Back in the weird Kiev present:
David: I cant believe it!
Lana: What?
David: I can’t believe it!
Lana: Why?
David busts out the translator ap, and then tells the English-speaking 90DF producers the English translation. It’s like David is the translator’s hype man. They exchange a single statement before David swaddles Lana, who leaves her arms firmly at her sides. Lana flatly reports that she feels he’s her soul mate, sort of, if no one else is around and she doesn’t have surgery that day. She also notes he’s more attractive than she expected. We’ve been watching this show a long time, and yes, David is a 90DF 10. David looks happy at last, years of age melting down his face that will be back in place come the Zoom nightmare reunion.
And that miserable reunion makes me think of Darcey. Sigh. She’s hanging out with her daughters, putting on face masks while they compliment her, and declare that she looks like she came out of a Barbie factory, to which the other daughter says, “Mom IS Barbie.” Are you two battling for supremacy in the last will and testament? Whatever, it’s nice, they’re nice, everything is nice, and Darcey is back to seeking support from mychildrenaremyworld.
Wondering about Tom? No one is wondering about Tom. He’s still trying to score his brown shoes a few more minutes of screen time, by making mopey face and trying to sell his imaginary investment in Darcey. He meets up with his friend Hammy, who is unimpressed with Tom’s romantic scrambled egg, and he reminds Tom that karma is a bitch, because we haven’t heard enough trite catchphrases that double as 90s songs this episode. Tom tells Hammy he kind of wants to milk a third season from Darcey’s teet, and Hammy declares that Tom will probably want Darcey back at some point, or maybe just the teet. I see what you’re doing, Tom and Hammy, and we are not watching a 45 degree haircut in a jacket for another 15 episodes. Then Tom does the other thing he does, which is take his wheeled luggage for a walk around the airport.
Next week: Stephanie comes out to her mom after the fact (come ON with this storyline, it’s on a tv show, mom is going to see it), and Ash tells Avery she’s not a short-term project, because romance. Teddy the dog returns and unfortunately brings Ed, Lisa reminds us the definition of “done” is lost on her, and Lana learns that David hired a private investigator so his red flags could chase hers all over Eastern Europe, until COVID-19 granted her the safety and excuses that color every hustler’s dreams.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!

Welcome back to another recrap of BT90D: the season where all the best characters are moms, children, cats, or dogs. One of the last couples standing is Baby Girl Lisa and Baby Love Usman, who is starting to think being the master of Nigerian hip hop is good enough for him. Last episode, Lisa was shocked to learn she needs evidence of her divorce before she can get started on her second one. This is clearly Usman’s fault, since she left him in charge of The Google.
So now Lisa unfurls her smoker’s rasp on an unsuspecting York, PA court clerk, while demonstrating her four varieties of pursed lips: the Mitch McConnell, the thirsty lizard, the Metamucil, and the Newport Softpack. The clerk attempts to explain bureaucracy and paperwork, and Lisa demands to know if they can do The Email, unless Hillary Clinton has them stored in her basement with pizza. The clerk decides to make an exception for the sake of escaping this phone call, and low and behold, Lisa’s latest two-hour tantrum shows itself to be a two-minute problem. Usman showers her with kisses, while we all astral project to our respective safe spaces, and then Lisa heads for a bath, her tongue darting in and out to best detect the presence of water.
Two short hours after this non-existent obstacle is overcome, Lisa puts her sweatband back on to race towards the next empty-headed hurdle. She and Usman go out for a little alcohol and accusations, and Lisa claims she saw Usman’s phone, and you know what that means: fee-males. She says he’s been texting back and forth with a WHORE who claims to love him, and she wants to know if she needs to unfurl a Geoffrey-level cyber stalk so her criminal file can catch a few more pages. Lisa took pictures of his phone with her phone, and with this binder full of evidence, she’s ready to assault Usman with a word salad she’s made from Waiting to Exhale, Beyonce, and reruns of The Wire.
Lisa: You think you’re a wannabe player, but it kinda looks like you’re succeeding. Damn. Who runs the world? Girls.
Usman: Why would I only have one fish on the line when I am a fisherman?
Lisa: This is the bitch that put a sad emoji on your post about me. Do you know what that means? It means unhappiness, Usman. Are you listening?
Usman: I’m not listening.
Lisa: She said I love you, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Usman: Someone with an inbox?
Lisa: Darnell! I need a new bedroom set!
Usman: I only say I love you because that is something I say. Have you heard my song? That is my thing.
Lisa: You come at the King, you best not miss.
Usman: Oooo! Omar! That’s Omar, right? Yes, HBO!
Lisa: I got 50 men in the states I can marry.
Usman: No one believes this.
Lisa: Block these fee-males and clean up this page tonight. A musician doesn’t need fans to perform in a gazebo in York.
Usman: I’ve made a mistake.
Lisa: I’ve been playing this game longer than you’ve been alive, and it doesn’t matter that my game is dusty and on layaway, because I believe that’s match point.
Usman: How can I trust you keeping score when you count the number zero as 50?
Lisa storms off and tells him to go back to his goat, who is a more consistent and nurturing romantic partner than Lisa anyway. Usman decides to finish his drink and maybe text a few backburner ladies in the meantime, while Lisa slows her gait hoping that he suddenly feels inspired to sprint after her. Eventually he realizes he’s going to have to reduce the heat on this evening’s meltdown, and he asks her to come back to the table and talk about this. She flounces back, declaring, “I can’t wait to be back in the land of the fucking free, and decent fucking people.” Yep, Lisa is definitely holding up a picket sign outside of a Costco to demand freedom from the tyranny of face masks, before she calls the checkout clerk an asshole for not having the gallon sized containers of jam, because China.
Usman declares that he will not be commanded by her except when he is, which is all the time. He tells her the same shit about emails from fans he told her six episodes ago, and Lisa makes Mitch McConnell face, and says she’s afraid he’s going to cheat on her, like the 50+ “decent” men back in the states who totally want to marry her. Lisa declares herself confident that she’s put Usman “in his place” which she’ll continue to file in the win column long after he’s moved on.
Speaking of doomed, somewhere in Australia, Avery wakes up with Ash, who she rode all the way to bone town as their relationship wilted in the wind. Ash comes out in a towel to further underscore the foundation of their relationship, which seems a good deal better than a pay-to-play dating ap or a plastic youtube star on the hunt for subscribers.
Avery brings up her conversation with Sian the day before, and Ash gets nervous, because Sian has all the tea, but has too much integrity to traumatize a child by sharing it. Ash gives the same reason for their delayed divorce that Sian provided, and Avery rushes to toss him a biscuit for being on the same page before he can talk his foot into his mouth. Ash mumbles something about not wanting negativity, and Avery writes a tshirt for the entire self-help movement: “There is a difference between creating negativity and being real with reality.” Avery, are you sure you belong on this show? I mean, it’s considered reality tv, but we don’t really mean it.
This brief foray into truth gives Avery enough ammo to work very, very hard to mute the marching band of red flags that flashed in sync last episode. She pivots to the bigger issue, taking Taj to the US of A, which Ash insists is something Sian “initially” agreed to, but yeah, no. Avery has a solution that she culled from her conversation with Sian, and suggests that perhaps Ash could visit her three months out of the year, and devote the rest of his time to raising Taj. Ash supports this plan with a double actually. Avery is equally stoked, since they managed to talk without Ash accusing her of gnawing his face with verbal vomit.
Beef squashed, they head out to pick up Taj so they can throw rocks at ducks in a park, like a family. Ash declares that Taj has the superhuman ability to identify a car by sound alone, and summons an example from a recent outing. Taj corrects him that he was able to identify the car because he saw it, which officially earns Taj a place next to Mother Usman and Mother Erika in Camp Awesome.
“My dad exaggerates everything. It’s kind of his thing,” Taj explains. “Pointing out these exaggerations is kind of my thing. It’s going to get worse when I’m a teenager. By worse, I mean better.” Taj is right.
Avery reflects on her fantasy about combining their families, including her daughter Sailboat (Silver? Whatever, I like Sailboat better) and just to underscore the point they flash a photo of the gorgeous child. Avery says she realizes she has to go home soon and she’s going to miss Ash, and hey, way to be in an actual relationship.
In Donzo, Thailand, Ed flip-flops back to his hotel room, assuming that Rose will still be there, warming his basket of prophylactics in her armpit, eager to embrace a mealy-mouthed self-serving whiny warbling pouty-lip apology. Rose, however, knows that “I’m done” means “goodbye” and has noped the fuck out before Ed tries to grope-hug her or hand her another hygiene product. Now Ed is left to decide for himself whether to pack or wear his bright orange sneakers onto the plane, while feeling sorry for himself and fully ignoring that whole part of the narrative where he’s a compulsive liar.
Hey guys, Steph is here to further rationalize tossing Erika for withholding crucial ex data. Erika, on the other hand, has to deal with the fact that real-life Stephanie is a completely different person from the girl she got to know online, who was fun and flirty and sexual. I imagine this must feel like falling in love with someone, and then they just disappear.
Erika drives three hours for a conversation that could have been a phone call. As Erika sits down Stephanie declares an intention to end on a positive note, and begins rationalizing her behavior. Erika isn’t sure about being on good terms, and explains that after months of gooing over the possibility of a shared life, Stephanie broke up with her just like that. Erika calls her out about figuring out her shit before playing with someone’s heart, and reminds Steph that if she had issues with her friendships, her exes, her sexual history, she could have voiced all of this prior to boarding a plane. She’s got Stephanie’s number, and knows she was just used for a tv show.
Stephanie asks if theres anything else to talk about, and Erika says no, and that she just wants to forget everything, but she can’t, because her family and friends have met Stephanie and are going to ask about her. Steph counters that she has to go home and be upset and not tell anyone, except she will, she just can’t let Erika have any pain she doesn’t try to trump.
Erika seems genuinely heartbroken. Stephanie seems like she doesn’t want to miss her plane.
Erika returns to her parents’ house, and sits down to give her wonder-mom an update on her relationship with Stephanie. Erika leaves out the whole part where she concealed a 10-year on/off relationship, and says she feels like it’s always her giving so much.
“That’s because of your beautiful soul, Erika,” Mother Erika says. Then Erika says that Steph is not ready for any kind of relationship (facts), and Mother Erika brings the warmth with: “You will find someone who sees you for who you are.” Mom goes on to say that this relationship was not for nothing, and she’s so glad Erika could come and talk with her about everything.
I feel a twinge. Does anyone else feel a twinge? I think it’s a feeling. Great, now they’re plural, and can breed.
Erika is still glad she told her mom that shes bi, even though things went south with Stephanie. Her mother repeats that she just wants Erika to be happy and appreciated, and then her mom hugs her because OF COURSE SHE DOES THAT BETTER NOT BE A THIRD FEELING.
We haven’t had nearly enough footage of folks staring at their phones in confusion, so here’s Yolanda to fill that hole in our souls. Yep, that’s a phone all right. Maybe she can take a photo of it and send it to Lisa for verification. Yep, those are text messages. Looking at her phone in her living room. Totally different from everyone’s daily experience.
If this show has jumped the shark, David drove the boat, and Yolanda strapped on the water skis.
Oh yes, David. After years of shoveling dollar after dollar into a paid dating site for the privilege of interacting with his girlfriend of seven years, David is ready to embrace his beloved, and for the first time in five attempts, Lana has shown up. David does him MmmMMmm so that she’ll recognize him. Lana just looks confused.
90DF does one of those 24 hour flashbacks they love, so we can see Lana working out at the gym with guidance from Anfisa’s Red Bag Fitness Fight. Then she shops for makeup. Couldn’t David have found someone with an identical set of priorities on the average sugar baby site? Lana expresses to the producers that she never expected to meet a foreigner like David on a website for foreigners. Then she heads to a coffee shop, which is a great place to be busy with your nephew’s hockey tournaments. While she’s sitting there, a friend calls, and Lana reports that she’s planning to meet a 60 year-old American who lives in Vegas and is paid well, and the friend says, “Oooo I hear they have a short life expectancy there!”
Back in the weird Kiev present:
David: I cant believe it!
Lana: What?
David: I can’t believe it!
Lana: Why?
David busts out the translator ap, and then tells the English-speaking 90DF producers the English translation. It’s like David is the translator’s hype man. They exchange a single statement before David swaddles Lana, who leaves her arms firmly at her sides. Lana flatly reports that she feels he’s her soul mate, sort of, if no one else is around and she doesn’t have surgery that day. She also notes he’s more attractive than she expected. We’ve been watching this show a long time, and yes, David is a 90DF 10. David looks happy at last, years of age melting down his face that will be back in place come the Zoom nightmare reunion.
And that miserable reunion makes me think of Darcey. Sigh. She’s hanging out with her daughters, putting on face masks while they compliment her, and declare that she looks like she came out of a Barbie factory, to which the other daughter says, “Mom IS Barbie.” Are you two battling for supremacy in the last will and testament? Whatever, it’s nice, they’re nice, everything is nice, and Darcey is back to seeking support from mychildrenaremyworld.
Wondering about Tom? No one is wondering about Tom. He’s still trying to score his brown shoes a few more minutes of screen time, by making mopey face and trying to sell his imaginary investment in Darcey. He meets up with his friend Hammy, who is unimpressed with Tom’s romantic scrambled egg, and he reminds Tom that karma is a bitch, because we haven’t heard enough trite catchphrases that double as 90s songs this episode. Tom tells Hammy he kind of wants to milk a third season from Darcey’s teet, and Hammy declares that Tom will probably want Darcey back at some point, or maybe just the teet. I see what you’re doing, Tom and Hammy, and we are not watching a 45 degree haircut in a jacket for another 15 episodes. Then Tom does the other thing he does, which is take his wheeled luggage for a walk around the airport.
Next week: Stephanie comes out to her mom after the fact (come ON with this storyline, it’s on a tv show, mom is going to see it), and Ash tells Avery she’s not a short-term project, because romance. Teddy the dog returns and unfortunately brings Ed, Lisa reminds us the definition of “done” is lost on her, and Lana learns that David hired a private investigator so his red flags could chase hers all over Eastern Europe, until COVID-19 granted her the safety and excuses that color every hustler’s dreams.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!

Welcome back to another recrap of BT90D: the season where all the best characters are moms, children, cats, or dogs. One of the last couples standing is Baby Girl Lisa and Baby Love Usman, who is starting to think being the master of Nigerian hip hop is good enough for him. Last episode, Lisa was shocked to learn she needs evidence of her divorce before she can get started on her second one. This is clearly Usman’s fault, since she left him in charge of The Google.
So now Lisa unfurls her smoker’s rasp on an unsuspecting York, PA court clerk, while demonstrating her four varieties of pursed lips: the Mitch McConnell, the thirsty lizard, the Metamucil, and the Newport Softpack. The clerk attempts to explain bureaucracy and paperwork, and Lisa demands to know if they can do The Email, unless Hillary Clinton has them stored in her basement with pizza. The clerk decides to make an exception for the sake of escaping this phone call, and low and behold, Lisa’s latest two-hour tantrum shows itself to be a two-minute problem. Usman showers her with kisses, while we all astral project to our respective safe spaces, and then Lisa heads for a bath, her tongue darting in and out to best detect the presence of water.
Two short hours after this non-existent obstacle is overcome, Lisa puts her sweatband back on to race towards the next empty-headed hurdle. She and Usman go out for a little alcohol and accusations, and Lisa claims she saw Usman’s phone, and you know what that means: fee-males. She says he’s been texting back and forth with a WHORE who claims to love him, and she wants to know if she needs to unfurl a Geoffrey-level cyber stalk so her criminal file can catch a few more pages. Lisa took pictures of his phone with her phone, and with this binder full of evidence, she’s ready to assault Usman with a word salad she’s made from Waiting to Exhale, Beyonce, and reruns of The Wire.
Lisa: You think you’re a wannabe player, but it kinda looks like you’re succeeding. Damn. Who runs the world? Girls.
Usman: Why would I only have one fish on the line when I am a fisherman?
Lisa: This is the bitch that put a sad emoji on your post about me. Do you know what that means? It means unhappiness, Usman. Are you listening?
Usman: I’m not listening.
Lisa: She said I love you, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Usman: Someone with an inbox?
Lisa: Darnell! I need a new bedroom set!
Usman: I only say I love you because that is something I say. Have you heard my song? That is my thing.
Lisa: You come at the King, you best not miss.
Usman: Oooo! Omar! That’s Omar, right? Yes, HBO!
Lisa: I got 50 men in the states I can marry.
Usman: No one believes this.
Lisa: Block these fee-males and clean up this page tonight. A musician doesn’t need fans to perform in a gazebo in York.
Usman: I’ve made a mistake.
Lisa: I’ve been playing this game longer than you’ve been alive, and it doesn’t matter that my game is dusty and on layaway, because I believe that’s match point.
Usman: How can I trust you keeping score when you count the number zero as 50?
Lisa storms off and tells him to go back to his goat, who is a more consistent and nurturing romantic partner than Lisa anyway. Usman decides to finish his drink and maybe text a few backburner ladies in the meantime, while Lisa slows her gait hoping that he suddenly feels inspired to sprint after her. Eventually he realizes he’s going to have to reduce the heat on this evening’s meltdown, and he asks her to come back to the table and talk about this. She flounces back, declaring, “I can’t wait to be back in the land of the fucking free, and decent fucking people.” Yep, Lisa is definitely holding up a picket sign outside of a Costco to demand freedom from the tyranny of face masks, before she calls the checkout clerk an asshole for not having the gallon sized containers of jam, because China.
Usman declares that he will not be commanded by her except when he is, which is all the time. He tells her the same shit about emails from fans he told her six episodes ago, and Lisa makes Mitch McConnell face, and says she’s afraid he’s going to cheat on her, like the 50+ “decent” men back in the states who totally want to marry her. Lisa declares herself confident that she’s put Usman “in his place” which she’ll continue to file in the win column long after he’s moved on.
Speaking of doomed, somewhere in Australia, Avery wakes up with Ash, who she rode all the way to bone town as their relationship wilted in the wind. Ash comes out in a towel to further underscore the foundation of their relationship, which seems a good deal better than a pay-to-play dating ap or a plastic youtube star on the hunt for subscribers.
Avery brings up her conversation with Sian the day before, and Ash gets nervous, because Sian has all the tea, but has too much integrity to traumatize a child by sharing it. Ash gives the same reason for their delayed divorce that Sian provided, and Avery rushes to toss him a biscuit for being on the same page before he can talk his foot into his mouth. Ash mumbles something about not wanting negativity, and Avery writes a tshirt for the entire self-help movement: “There is a difference between creating negativity and being real with reality.” Avery, are you sure you belong on this show? I mean, it’s considered reality tv, but we don’t really mean it.
This brief foray into truth gives Avery enough ammo to work very, very hard to mute the marching band of red flags that flashed in sync last episode. She pivots to the bigger issue, taking Taj to the US of A, which Ash insists is something Sian “initially” agreed to, but yeah, no. Avery has a solution that she culled from her conversation with Sian, and suggests that perhaps Ash could visit her three months out of the year, and devote the rest of his time to raising Taj. Ash supports this plan with a double actually. Avery is equally stoked, since they managed to talk without Ash accusing her of gnawing his face with verbal vomit.
Beef squashed, they head out to pick up Taj so they can throw rocks at ducks in a park, like a family. Ash declares that Taj has the superhuman ability to identify a car by sound alone, and summons an example from a recent outing. Taj corrects him that he was able to identify the car because he saw it, which officially earns Taj a place next to Mother Usman and Mother Erika in Camp Awesome.
“My dad exaggerates everything. It’s kind of his thing,” Taj explains. “Pointing out these exaggerations is kind of my thing. It’s going to get worse when I’m a teenager. By worse, I mean better.” Taj is right.
Avery reflects on her fantasy about combining their families, including her daughter Sailboat (Silver? Whatever, I like Sailboat better) and just to underscore the point they flash a photo of the gorgeous child. Avery says she realizes she has to go home soon and she’s going to miss Ash, and hey, way to be in an actual relationship.
In Donzo, Thailand, Ed flip-flops back to his hotel room, assuming that Rose will still be there, warming his basket of prophylactics in her armpit, eager to embrace a mealy-mouthed self-serving whiny warbling pouty-lip apology. Rose, however, knows that “I’m done” means “goodbye” and has noped the fuck out before Ed tries to grope-hug her or hand her another hygiene product. Now Ed is left to decide for himself whether to pack or wear his bright orange sneakers onto the plane, while feeling sorry for himself and fully ignoring that whole part of the narrative where he’s a compulsive liar.
Hey guys, Steph is here to further rationalize tossing Erika for withholding crucial ex data. Erika, on the other hand, has to deal with the fact that real-life Stephanie is a completely different person from the girl she got to know online, who was fun and flirty and sexual. I imagine this must feel like falling in love with someone, and then they just disappear.
Erika drives three hours for a conversation that could have been a phone call. As Erika sits down Stephanie declares an intention to end on a positive note, and begins rationalizing her behavior. Erika isn’t sure about being on good terms, and explains that after months of gooing over the possibility of a shared life, Stephanie broke up with her just like that. Erika calls her out about figuring out her shit before playing with someone’s heart, and reminds Steph that if she had issues with her friendships, her exes, her sexual history, she could have voiced all of this prior to boarding a plane. She’s got Stephanie’s number, and knows she was just used for a tv show.
Stephanie asks if theres anything else to talk about, and Erika says no, and that she just wants to forget everything, but she can’t, because her family and friends have met Stephanie and are going to ask about her. Steph counters that she has to go home and be upset and not tell anyone, except she will, she just can’t let Erika have any pain she doesn’t try to trump.
Erika seems genuinely heartbroken. Stephanie seems like she doesn’t want to miss her plane.
Erika returns to her parents’ house, and sits down to give her wonder-mom an update on her relationship with Stephanie. Erika leaves out the whole part where she concealed a 10-year on/off relationship, and says she feels like it’s always her giving so much.
“That’s because of your beautiful soul, Erika,” Mother Erika says. Then Erika says that Steph is not ready for any kind of relationship (facts), and Mother Erika brings the warmth with: “You will find someone who sees you for who you are.” Mom goes on to say that this relationship was not for nothing, and she’s so glad Erika could come and talk with her about everything.
I feel a twinge. Does anyone else feel a twinge? I think it’s a feeling. Great, now they’re plural, and can breed.
Erika is still glad she told her mom that shes bi, even though things went south with Stephanie. Her mother repeats that she just wants Erika to be happy and appreciated, and then her mom hugs her because OF COURSE SHE DOES THAT BETTER NOT BE A THIRD FEELING.
We haven’t had nearly enough footage of folks staring at their phones in confusion, so here’s Yolanda to fill that hole in our souls. Yep, that’s a phone all right. Maybe she can take a photo of it and send it to Lisa for verification. Yep, those are text messages. Looking at her phone in her living room. Totally different from everyone’s daily experience.
If this show has jumped the shark, David drove the boat, and Yolanda strapped on the water skis.
Oh yes, David. After years of shoveling dollar after dollar into a paid dating site for the privilege of interacting with his girlfriend of seven years, David is ready to embrace his beloved, and for the first time in five attempts, Lana has shown up. David does him MmmMMmm so that she’ll recognize him. Lana just looks confused.
90DF does one of those 24 hour flashbacks they love, so we can see Lana working out at the gym with guidance from Anfisa’s Red Bag Fitness Fight. Then she shops for makeup. Couldn’t David have found someone with an identical set of priorities on the average sugar baby site? Lana expresses to the producers that she never expected to meet a foreigner like David on a website for foreigners. Then she heads to a coffee shop, which is a great place to be busy with your nephew’s hockey tournaments. While she’s sitting there, a friend calls, and Lana reports that she’s planning to meet a 60 year-old American who lives in Vegas and is paid well, and the friend says, “Oooo I hear they have a short life expectancy there!”
Back in the weird Kiev present:
David: I cant believe it!
Lana: What?
David: I can’t believe it!
Lana: Why?
David busts out the translator ap, and then tells the English-speaking 90DF producers the English translation. It’s like David is the translator’s hype man. They exchange a single statement before David swaddles Lana, who leaves her arms firmly at her sides. Lana flatly reports that she feels he’s her soul mate, sort of, if no one else is around and she doesn’t have surgery that day. She also notes he’s more attractive than she expected. We’ve been watching this show a long time, and yes, David is a 90DF 10. David looks happy at last, years of age melting down his face that will be back in place come the Zoom nightmare reunion.
And that miserable reunion makes me think of Darcey. Sigh. She’s hanging out with her daughters, putting on face masks while they compliment her, and declare that she looks like she came out of a Barbie factory, to which the other daughter says, “Mom IS Barbie.” Are you two battling for supremacy in the last will and testament? Whatever, it’s nice, they’re nice, everything is nice, and Darcey is back to seeking support from mychildrenaremyworld.
Wondering about Tom? No one is wondering about Tom. He’s still trying to score his brown shoes a few more minutes of screen time, by making mopey face and trying to sell his imaginary investment in Darcey. He meets up with his friend Hammy, who is unimpressed with Tom’s romantic scrambled egg, and he reminds Tom that karma is a bitch, because we haven’t heard enough trite catchphrases that double as 90s songs this episode. Tom tells Hammy he kind of wants to milk a third season from Darcey’s teet, and Hammy declares that Tom will probably want Darcey back at some point, or maybe just the teet. I see what you’re doing, Tom and Hammy, and we are not watching a 45 degree haircut in a jacket for another 15 episodes. Then Tom does the other thing he does, which is take his wheeled luggage for a walk around the airport.
Next week: Stephanie comes out to her mom after the fact (come ON with this storyline, it’s on a tv show, mom is going to see it), and Ash tells Avery she’s not a short-term project, because romance. Teddy the dog returns and unfortunately brings Ed, Lisa reminds us the definition of “done” is lost on her, and Lana learns that David hired a private investigator so his red flags could chase hers all over Eastern Europe, until COVID-19 granted her the safety and excuses that color every hustler’s dreams.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! patreon.com/fractalfay

Below is a dump of things I think gay guys should know. It’s long, heads up, because it’s thorough. Also, I am annoyingly wholesome, haha. It can be cheesy but embrace the cheese. There’s useful stuff on the other side.
My credentials are: - A lot of sex from ages 18 to 31. - Successful open relationship of 11+ years, despite rocky events in our lives. (Recently ended, no one’s fault.) - Currently creating an educational sex series, so this advice comes from a lot of research, thought and experience. The series will be called Pornducation and will feature me giving sex tips and making jokes while literally having sex. Made a pilot already. It turned out as fun as I thought it would be.
To be clear, this info is a work-in-progress. For instance, I haven’t yet run it all past sexual health organizations. I stand behind my advice but it’s good to assume that NO ONE’s advice is 100% accurate or 100% everything you need to know.
Here is what I have so far, much condensed. Feel free to share it yourself. I'd appreciate credit and a mention of Pornducation but that's not as important as the sharing. Enjoy!
THINGS I BELIEVE GUYS SHOULD KNOW
Important: - Everyone is surprisingly different. Every guideline has an exception. These tips are commonly applicable, though, and a good place to start. - Safety tips apply to everyone. - Advice is great but there's always a chance that it's wrong. Listen to yourself and your body first. - Where not sure if something is good or comfortable? Ask. If you ask matter-of-factly, it looks like confidence. Confidence isn’t knowing everything will go well. It’s knowing that you’ll be fine even if it goes bad. The bird doesn’t rely on the branch that might break, but on its wings. - Use moans and body motion to indicate when things feel good. Arch your back, thrust your hips, or groan, for instance. Communicating what you like increases the chances of getting more of it. - You can always say no to sex, at any point. Any point. Even the very second before sex you can say no. Even during sex, you can change your mind. This is such a strong rule that, at least in New Zealand, even if you were paid for that sex, you can stop at any point. Your body autonomy takes priority over any contract. You can also say no to certain sex acts but yes to others. You can say yes to sex acts in certain ways but say no to others. You can change your mind. It’s your body, your rules. That’s true of other people’s bodies and their rules, too, of course. Anyone who isn’t okay with that is an arsehole. - You won't be good at sex straight away, it's a skill. You'll do it imperfectly and learn, that's natural. - Wash around the head of your dick and your butthole, especially just before sex. Just use water and/or light soap. Your skin is sensitive there. - If your fingers might go inside anyone, trim them. This makes sure you won't nick anything. Freshly cut nails are sharp, though. I keep a nail-file specifically so that I can trim and blunt my nails before a guy comes around. - Go for guys you think are out of your league. You may surprise yourself. - Be kind. Not just for them but for you. It’s surprising how many times the right thing to do also benefits you. For instance, if you are nice to a lover, they may decide to try something adventurous with you because they feel they can trust you. - Be kind to yourself. Not just for you but for them. It’s surprising how many times the right thing for you also benefits others. For instance, if you set-up and enforce emotional boundaries to make sure no one takes more than you have to give? Then others can relax around you because they know they aren’t going to accidentally mess you up. - ANYTHING THAT GOES IN YOUR ARSE NEEDS A FLARED END. Arses are known to suck objects up. You wouldn’t be the first person to go to hospital because they have a cucumber way up in them. Remember: Without a base, without a trace. - Cheap dildos are a risk, too. They might be made of something that isn’t body safe. Or the dildo could be made dangerously. I've read one story of a dildo bought on Wish that had a hole in the tip, for some reason. Ants crawled in and then he put the dildo in his hole. Wasn’t a great time. Research is, uh... recommended.
Blowjobs: - No teeth. Even clipping a dick with teeth feels bad. Cover your teeth by sucking slightly, it pulls your lips over the teeth. Or pout like it's a duck face. - A dick with a foreskin is more sensitive than one without a foreskin. A blowjob can get oversensitive and unpleasant if you do too much to the head of a penis that has its foreskin. Dicks without a foreskin often prefer a lot of sensation around the head and neck of their penis. - Don't worry about making guys cum yet, sex isn't all about the orgasm. But if a guy says he's close and you want to get him there, keep doing the exact same thing. Maybe just a little more intensely. Changing it up may distract his brain away from cumming. - Deepthroating means putting the penis to your back of your mouth or even down your throat. Sometimes just to hold it there, sometimes to move it to that point and back. This feels good for the other person as it stimulates more of the penis. It’s also hot. You may find it hard to do because of your gag reflex. That’s ok. For most people, your body will reject it at least a little if you put anything at the back of your throat. But, by steadily, gently pushing yourself to go a little further each time, you can reduce that gag reflex. Some people get rid of it completely. I've heard of people practicing with a dildo. - You can give your lovers a similar feeling to deepthroating without having to deepthroat. Put a hand around the lower part of their dick and your mouth around the upper part. Bob the hand along with your mouth. - I also understand that making a fist with your thumb on the inside and clenching it will disable your gag reflex until you stop squeezing. I haven’t tried this one, though. - Moving your hand and mouth on the dick is also a good way to add variety to a blowjob, even if you can deepthroat well. Too much of the same thing can be boring. - I didn't used to like sucking dick but now I do. Don't sweat it. You don't have to do it, though it's polite to return the favour. - When you are the one GETTING a blowjob, be cautious when thrusting into someone's mouth. They won't thank you for making them gag.
Sexual Health: - STI stands for a Sexually Transmitted Infection. If someone has an STI, they may not be aware and can transmit it to you during sex. To be clear, masturbating alone will not give you an STI. Many STI’s are symptomless. They are still good to get tested for and cured, as they can have long-term health effects. Becoming infertile is one possibility. Also, something that is symptomless in you may have symptoms if you pass it along to others. - You can catch Sexually Transmitted Infections, aka STI's, from giving or receiving blowjobs. But HIV is very unlikely. The chances of oral giving you HIV is almost vanishingly small, unless you have a mouth sore or a cut. That's my understanding, at least. - Condoms can prevent STI's, but they're uncommonly used for oral because it feels different. It's up to you what you put in your body and what you consider an acceptable risk. If you decide you want oral to include condoms, that's a valid decision. Be prepared to stand your ground on it with pushy guys, though. The best way to stand your ground is to be okay to not have that sex if the other guy isn't into it. Also, decide that disappointment on the other guys’ end is their issue to deal with. There’s a lot of power in the concept, “You deal with it.” I personally don't use condoms for oral and have caught something maybe 5 times in my throat. Most of them have been in my later years. STI's are on the rise in many places. - Put the condom on like it's a rolled-up beanie. This means: Rolled up bit goes out/up, so that it unrolls down your dick easily. The other way, it's just more awkward and you might reach in and scratch up the latex with your fingernails. - If you put the condom on the wrong way first, it will have precum on it. Precum is a little bit of cum that comes out of the end of your dick when you are hard and aroused. Precum is enough to have a chance of transferring an STI. Throw the condom out and get a new one. - Anal sex has the risk of transferring HIV, so we will talk about that now. You may also have heard of AIDs, which is essentially HIV but further progressed in your body. Left untreated, HIV / AIDs can kill you. HIV can't be cured. But the good news is that nowadays HIV can be suppressed so well that tests won't pick up that you even have it. People with HIV that take their medicine correctly have totally normally lives and run no risk of transferring their HIV. As they say, undetectable means untransmittable. U = U. People who catch HIV? They actually get it from those who are newly infected and THOUGHT they didn’t have it. (HIV negative is a description of someone who doesn't have HIV, by the way. HIV positive means someone with HIV, even if it’s suppressed by medication.) But even with HIV medication, there's still a lot of social problems to navigate. Judgement, shame and out-dated laws affect HIV positive people. So, use condoms to protect yourself. - If you find out that you are HIV positive, reach out to friends and family that you trust. There are also counsellors – the organisation Ending HIV in New Zealand provides 6 free counselling sessions that centre around things like this. You may have something similar in your area. There also will be people in your area who have been dealing with this for years. Heck, you could probably go on Grindr and find someone whose profile mentions that they’re HIV positive. Ask them if they’re willing to talk, even. There are resources and support for you. Reach out. You’ll get through this, like millions of others have. - HIV can also be prevented by taking a daily pill called PrEP (also known as truvada, which is a common brand of PrEP.) If you find the idea of condom-less sex tempting, then PrEP is a good idea in case you give in. But even with PrEP, you can catch other STI's like Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. These are the most common STI's, but they're curable. (Though there are antibiotic-resistant strains in a few places.) At least in New Zealand I liken catching an STI to falling down in the street. It's embarrassing as all hell and it stings. But get up and move on, you'll eventually forget it. - There's also Herpes, which isn't curable, but you can manage breakouts. - Get tested every 3 months if you're ever having a lot of sex. Get tested at least once a year even if sex for you is infrequent. - To get tested, Google “Sexual Health Clinic” in your area or talk to your doctor. A lot of campus’ offer the option and some gay events have quick-testing sites. - It's also a good idea to use condoms even with people you trust. Catching something nasty from a partner who turns out to be cheating is a tale as old as time, honey. - Oil-based lube like Vaseline will break down a condom and make it more likely to fail. Use silicon or water-based lube. These can be found in most supermarkets, sex shops and pharmacies. People are unlikely to pay attention to your purchase, especially if you buy it with confidence.
Bottoming: - Bottoming is receiving a penis into your butt, to create pleasure for both of you. - It shouldn't hurt. Pain is your body saying to stop or slow down. Ignoring it can cause damage. Pain also teaches your body to fear bottoming, so it may clench up in the future. Don’t force your way through the pain. Stop, add more lube, try some relaxing techniques that I will list later. Go slow. If you must, you must. You’ll be far from the first. - You want to show your body that bottoming is okay and even fun. For that, make things as easy as possible, push your limits a little but listen to your body and respond appropriately. - Have an exploratory attitude to the sensations. Try things. Go with what feels good or even just what feeling you are curious about. - This is my own personal theory, but I believe that the brain LEARNS to interpret anal as something sexual. I mean, there are also a lot of physical and mental factors helping this along. Like the prostate, the huge amount on touch sensors in your sphincter and that dick is hoooooot. Also, I should note that some brains work out that anal is sex easier than others. But bottoming is still an acquired taste that many of us need to give ourselves time to acquire. - For this reason, the first time you bottom may feel weird or feel like you want to poop. For most people, after 1-3 times, that gotta-poop feeling stops happening forever, more-or-less. Your brain works out the difference between in and out. If you bottom and feel you want to poop, feel free to get off and use the toilet if that’s more comfortable. Play around if you feel comfortable with that. The feeling may just go away. - Getting on a dick too fast can feel like getting kicked in the nuts. - Only go as hard as you want. - Don't expect to bottom perfectly, especially not the first time. - Use lots of lube, always. - Use a condom to prevent catching STI's. If you use a condom the first time you do anal, you’re much more likely to do so in future. - Each time you bottom, let the dick in slowly once. After that, your butt will gradually warm up and you can change positions and be entered easier, generally. - Bottoming is easier if you warm up your butt first with a finger. Start by putting a finger in a little, then wait until your sphincter has adjusted. Put a bit more of the finger in. Wait until your sphincter relaxes. Put a bit more finger in, then wait, etc. Repeat until the whole finger is in. Have a play around, maybe. Then maybe do the same with another finger. See what you feel you need, it’s fairly variable. THEN do the same with the dick. Put it in a little, wait, in a little, wait, etc. Dicks are often thicker, so it will probably take longer to adjust to than your fingers did. That’s okay. - To repeat: Listen to your body, particularly if you feel pain. That's your body's warning system. - Some things that you can do to help ease the finger or dick in: Notice where your body is tense and relax it, if you can. Shoulders, for instance. Breathe deeply. Make out, to give your brain something else to focus on. Remember that you can stop if you want to. Apparently, pushing your sphincter out like you're pooping can help, I haven't tried. - Easiest angle of entry is to point the dick towards your belly button. (This is because of the angle of the Pubo-Rectal Sling, if you’re an anatomy nerd. That’s the main thing that pulls tight when your butt clenches to protect itself.) - A good first sex position is the Cowgirl. The top lies down, face up. You face him and kneel with your legs on either side of his body. Shuffle back and forth until you find the best spot for the dick to line up with your butt. When and if you’re ready, put it in a little. This can take a few tries and be kind of awkward, even for experts. This position has two advantages: The dick points at your belly button, which we established is the best angle. This position gives you control of how fast you're sitting on the dick. - Using a dildo before the top turns up may be a good way to warm up your butt and to give you confidence. That’s what I often do. - Nearly every guy will lose their erection during sex at some point in their life. Maybe it takes too long to get into your butt. (No one’s fault, you each can only do what you can do at that point in time.) Maybe they got distracted. Maybe they got nervous or often get nervous. Shaming them for it helps no one. Tell them that it’s okay, that you understand. Offer to stop for a bit, try again later, or ask how you can help. I guarantee that they will appreciate it. I also guarantee that they will be WAAAY more likely to get that boner back. So be kind. It’s in your best interests. - Some people never enjoy bottoming, no matter what they try. Or never enjoy topping. Or either. That's perfectly fine. You are who you are, I've never found any good in beating my head against that fact. But you may also never have had the right situation or the right advice. - At this point I don't have a troubleshooting-your-butt advise section. But it’s good to explore what might be holding you up. One example is: If you have trouble bottoming, it may come down to your attitude. If you think about how much it could hurt as you sit on a dick, of course your body will clench up. If you instead train your brain to think of dick as something potentially very nice, your body may respond better. (Though bullshitting your body won't work. You'd need to make a deal with yourself that if it DOES feel bad at all, you'll stop. And here’s another thought: You may need to let go of the expectation that you will never feel pain, at least a little. Pain is a warning signal and it’s okay, even useful for it to happen. Ignoring pain is what I advise against.) - Bottoming gets easier the more you do it. But if you don’t do it for a while, you may lose that progress and must build it up again. It’s the same as, say, building flexibility in your legs. Doing the splits gets easier the more you practice. But, if you stop practicing, it gets harder and harder again. You can make bottoming easier later with semi-regular practice with a dildo. You don't have to, of course. Find what's right for your body and for your lifestyle. - Reminder: Anything that goes in your arse needs a flared end. Arses are known to suck objects up. Without a base, without a trace.
Butt Cleanliness: - Once in a while, a dick will come out with poop on it. Fact of life, don't sweat it. You can wipe it off and continue or get a new condom or stop all together. Whatever you're both cool with. - Honestly? Guys get desensitized to poop. So even if you’re mortified, the other guy really might not be. - Treat poop-strike like no big deal and it most likely won’t be. Like I say earlier, people follow your lead. - Invest in some brown towels specifically for anal sex. Stains show up less. - Douching, (also known as enemas,) can really reduce the chance of poop. That’s where you wash your butt passage out by putting water in, then expelling it into a toilet. Repeat until the water comes out clear. - I won’t go into how to douche in detail, there are guides online. Use one. - My big warning with douching is: It's possible to not fully relax your sphincter and you end up keeping water in there without knowing. Then when you relax for the dick, it comes out. Goosh. It’s never happened to me, probably won’t happen to you. But to avoid it, give yourself plenty of time on the toilet. Wait, watch a video, notice how your body is feeling. Build up experience. - You don't have to douche. I don’t, too many guys say they’ll turn up but don’t. And, honestly, I find an unclean dick is not that common anyway. - Fibre. Instead of douching, (or in addition it,) you can eat a lot of fibre. This makes your poop more solid and less likely to stick to the dick. Fibre also makes your poop less likely to be in the close part of your butt passage. Metamucil or Psyllium Husk are common sources of fibre. - If I’m worried about being clean that day, I tend to just use a dildo beforehand, honestly. This warms my butt up for play, as discussed. But it also troubleshoots my hole, haha. Uncleanliness happens to the dildo, leaving my passage more hospitable for later guests. - Douching too often can harm your gut bacteria and dry your passage out. - Also be aware, douching isn't a fool-proof solution to poop-strike. Nothing is. - Some guys expect you to douche, but in my opinion, that's on them to tell you. Hopefully nicely, like, "Do you prefer to douche? ... Oh, I usually feel more comfortable if the guy has douched." Like I say, in my experience, poop on their dick doesn't happen all that often even without douching. Depends on the guy, though.
Topping: - Read everything in the bottoming section, such as how you should always use condoms and lube. Put a finger in them first, a bit at a time, or get them to. You should be using all the other advice in that section, too. - If you only top, you may have no idea how much work goes into bottoming, or how sore it can be. - I recommend bottoming some time, even just to see how well you can. Even if you decide it isn’t your thing. Knowing how it feels will make you a better top. Try it a few times until you can do it comfortably, the first time probably won’t feel like how bottoming usually would feel for you. - Listen to the bottom. Ask if he's ok. Avoid pressuring him. - Go ahead and ask for help to get your dick hard again, mid-sex. It’s common to get distracted, nervous or for things to take too long and your dick to go down. It’s not a big deal. If they make it a big deal, they may not be someone you want to be around anyway. - Often, people have difficulty finding the bottom’s hole with their dick. A common mistake is to aim too high and push a bit harder. You run the risk of popping in too quickly and hurting the bottom. Bottom’s pick up on this chance, so they can tighten up involuntarily- the opposite of what you want. To avoid this, when I top, I feel out where the hole is with my fingers. I'll watch the dick go in. If guys often say that you're too high, maybe you can aim lower than you’d think. Try a different position or ask the bottom to put the dick in himself. You won’t lose points or anything for it, haha. Obviously, experience and practice help, too. It's ok to mess up or even make a fool of yourself, that's how you learn for next time! The only way, really. Certainly the main way that you can’t skip. - If you find it hard to enjoy topping or to cum from topping, look at how you masturbate. I typically wank with the tips of my fingers and thumb, rather than circling the shaft. Some guys wank really hard and fast. In that and other cases, your brain isn’t used to the sensations an butt provides. Try wanking with lube and a medium-soft, circled grip. After a while, you may find your dick has acquired a taste for arse. - A block in the way of enjoying topping may also be mental. Look into the Sexual Anxiety section. I don’t have a topping-specific approach thought out yet, but it would be based heavily on the tips here, under Sexual Anxiety.
Safety/Consent: - I’ve met a lot of wonderful people in gay bars and clubs. They’re a place you can let your guard down in some ways and be as gay as you want. But it’s not in your best interests to treat them as a completely safe space. - People may put drugs in your drink, in order to take advantage of you. Don't drink from anything that's been left unattended. If you start to feel funny in anyway, you may have been drugged and should alert your friends and/or the bar staff. Feeling funny may include light-headed, drunker than you would expect, sleepy or many other things. It is better to be safe than sorry. - Casual assaults are surprisingly normalized. A lot of us don't even think about it anymore. Like, sometimes a guy will grab your butt as they go past without permission. Sometimes even just reach directly into your pants, without asking. It sucks. I'm sorry about that. I'm not sure what advice to give about it, except to talk about any feelings with people you trust, no matter how small what happened seems. And if you’re someone who does this, please keep your hands to yourself. It can be more damaging than you realize. Especially for people who have been through violence - sexual or otherwise. - The clubs can also feel like a jungle - all drugs and sex and you’re treated almost like meat. Which, if you’re looking for that, great! But if you’re coming out of high school and expecting to be embraced and supported by the community? It just may not happen that way. Again, I’m sorry. Look for places like Gay-oriented sports events or volunteering for a more wholesome community, I would say. Some bars may be wholesome, I can’t speak for all of them. - Gay clubs can also be cliquey, where no one will talk to the new people. - People who look unapproachable might actually be quite approachable, on the flipside. - First time at a baclub, it may be best to go with friends that you trust. - Drink water between alcohol when out at bars. Eat food and know your alcohol limit. Pride in how wasted you get is for beginners. - Best to find out what your alcohol limit is by drinking with friends or family at home first. This is important because very drunk people can be taken advantage of. They can also die, frankly. - Overdose from alcohol is a thing. Or falling ovefalling asleep on the road. Be careful out there. - Most of the advice for drinking applies to taking drugs, too. (Though ecstasy and possibly other drugs can make you drink TOO MUCH water and harm yourself.) Do research before taking anything. I’m not condoning or shaming drug use here. But if you take any, take it in a safe place, with people you trust. Also, read the later section in this dump on drug use. - Consent is something that people think they know but it can be more nuanced than you assume. And it’s VERY important. I like the Tea Rule. If you wouldn't give tea to this person in this situation, don't do anything sexual to them either. They’re asleep? You wouldn’t give tea to a sleeping person, so no sex. They agreed to have tea earlier but changed their mind? You wouldn’t pressure them or force them to drink tea, so no sex. They want tea but not milk? Give them tea without milk! (In the metaphor, that’s having sex but not doing whatever sex act counts as milk.) Also, tea can be very hot. So, if they are too drunk or too young, they might not know this and scald their tongue. Likewise, young or drunk people can’t decide if they’re emotionally ready for anything sexual. No tea, no sex. - Even BDSM/rape fantasies stick to the Tea Rule. What is going to happen is generally agreed to beforehand. For most people, kinky sex is like a play. The submissive person is the scriptwriter. The aggressive/dominant person is the director who decides what happens within that script. Maybe pushing the boundaries a bit, but depends on the people. Again, best to talk about it. - People get boners and even cum during assaults. That doesn't make it wanted. It's an automatic response. - Don’t make false rape allegations. These make real claims harder to believe. They also ruin lives. False claims ruin lives more than anyone would want, even if they wanted revenge. Career destroyed. Everyone they know stops talking to them. Their trust in any future lovers is shattered. Even when it comes out later that the claim was fake, these effects remain. Seriously. The destroyed life doesn’t come back together after the allegations are dropped. Don't ever fake such claims. - That said, real rape allegations are MUCH more common. Like, the vast, vast majority. If a friend tells you that they were assaulted, it's statistically a VASTLY safer bet to believe them. - At this point, I don’t have advice ready for if you are ever the victim of an assault. I’ve got no doubt that there are amazing resources online, though. Look it up. Find the subreddits where people discuss it with each other. Reach out to those, plus friends and loved ones you trust. There’s a whole world just waiting to support the hell out of you.
Kissing: - As with anything, kissing will improve with practise. - Lead with the lips. My opinion is: lips should touch at least a little before tongue. Like, all the time. It builds anticipation and avoids odd surprises. - Well-cared-for lips feel nicer. I used to deal with dry lips but the best solution I found is to have lip balm in my pocket all the time. I put it on my lips when they feel a bit dry, which is maybe once an hour? Fairly often. But you work out what works for you. - Pecking too much can be weird, it doesn’t give much sensation. - Mix it up. Peck just a little, maybe. Push lips together for a bit. Bring the tongue in. Back to just touching lips every so often. Mixing it up is great advice for any sex act. - Kissing the edges of their lips or other uncommon zones can be great but should be done in moderation. It’s more of a thing to add variety than fun on its own, in my opinion. Play it teasing and sensual if you want to do this. - I think hovering just before touching lips together is underrated. Tease them a little. Make them come get it. Use this rarely, though. It’s easy to tease someone so that it gets a little annoying. - Start small and low-intensity. Build up to passionate. - Use pacing, like is described below, under All-applicable Tips.
Rimjobs: - A rimjob is where you use your tongue and mouth to pleasurably stimulate someone’s sphincter. - Obviously, the receiver of a rimjob should make sure they are very clean. - Again, this is all my opinion: A good rimjob is all about teasing. Building anticipation. I'm not big on them in general but I DEFINITELY don't enjoy it if they go straight for the hole with their tongue. I lose all sensitivity; I stop feeling it. Play around the edge, dip in. Build up to applying more tongue to the hole, then go back to the edge. - That said, I’ve seen some people really enjoy their butt getting eaten like someone’s life depended on it. Everyone is different.
All-applicable tips: - Use pacing. Pacing like movies use. Google, "Interest curve, Star Wars." The intensity of what's happening on screen starts out high to grab interest, drops down, then goes up a little, down, up a little more, down, etc until it reaches the climax. It’s a classic, excellent wayto get the most enjoyment out of an audience member. Every sex act is improved by applying this. Same with applying pacing to the sex as a whole. Don't feel too much of a slave to this, but I definitely became a better lover when I learnt about the pacing in Star Wars, no lie. (It comes down to how human brains work. Specifically, the Law of Diminishing Returns.) - Like I said, mix it up. Variety stops someone from getting bored of what you’re doing. They stay keyed in and feeling pleasure. - Like I’ve mentioned in other sections: Build anticipation. Going straight for the most pleasurable thing is, ironically, not that pleasurable. There’s something about the tension between knowing something is coming and when it arrives that is just so fucking hot. If I learnt pacing from studying movies, then I learnt tension from studying music. Tension is what makes a bass drop so satisfying when it finally hits. - You could argue that how much you enjoy something comes down to a formula: (Results minus Expectations equals Enjoyment.) If something was good but you expected better, you don’t enjoy it that much, for instance. But if you went to see something kinda rubbish and it turned out to be good, wow! That was surprisingly fun, I enjoyed that! So, expectation control is important. Both in yourself and in others. Undersell, overperform is a good rule of thumb. Though don’t undersell too much. You’ll get a feel for it over time. Also, keep your own expectations low (on the quiet. No need to be rude.) - Like I said in other sections, and this is weird but true: People tend to follow how you act about things. If you act like a bit of poop or a dick going a bit soft isn’t a big deal, people will feel it isn’t a big deal. Which it isn’t! And then you’re more likely to be able to deal with the obstacle and continue with sex. - Sex isn’t everything, don’t base too much of your identity on being good at it or getting it. If you go that way, you’ll never have enough.
Sex Anxiety: - A lot of us end up feeling anxious about if we'll perform well. I myself had a period where I'd worry if I'd get a boner, which is a great way to not get a boner! It really messed with me. But I managed to overcome it by following these steps: - Give yourself permission to not be into it. You may need to say something like, "Sorry, you're very attractive but my anxiety is playing up," and that's ok. Or give yourself permission to say, “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be into this.” Then, once you’ve accepted those possibilities, focus on what you feel. How his lips feel. How his body feels. How his hand feels on the back of your head. Not trying to make it feel good, just notice what is actually there. When anxious thoughts return, acknowledge to yourself that they are there, then refocus on what you feel. Thoughts are like tar. Pushing them away only makes them stick more. Touch them with a feather, instead. They may just float away. - All anxieties are a bully. They feed on you arguing with them or trying not to listen. Distraction and accepting both yourself and the anxiety are your best responses. - If anxiety is ongoing, it may also help to reprogram your brain. This is done long-term with repeated effort. Whenever you think about sex and then worry, it makes the connection between those two things stronger in your brain. So, you go from sex to worry easier in future, which makes the connection stronger, etc. It builds into sex anxiety. But you can’t destroy connections. So, build a new connection and strengthen it! The old one will then whither. For me, that looked like this: Any time I noticed myself worrying about sex, I would focus my mind instead on whatever I was physically feeling at the time. Maybe rubbing my fingers together, for instance. Or playing with my boner in the morning. No judgement, just noticing. The more you do it throughout the day, any time you notice worry about sex, the stronger this new connection is. As an added bonus, learning to focus on your body can help you enjoy sex more.
Relationships: - Communication on potential problems and emotions is key. If communication isn't solving all your problems, you just aren't using enough of it! Either you'll find a solution where you're both comfortable, or else a solution isn't possible. If the latter is the case, it's best to know now. - When you discuss issues, remember that it's not you vs them, it's you vs the problem. - Abusive relationships can happen to even the strongest people. In fact, abusive people use that very strength AGAINST you. "Thank God this is happening to me, not some young girl." "He's hurting, he needs me." Thoughts like that are common in the victims. - Another way that abusive partners keep you around is to have a cycle of abusive. Mistreat you for a while, then apologetic and lovely, then mistreat you again, etc. - Abusers may also isolate you from friends and family so it's harder to get help. Turning you against each other. Making you seem crazy to others. Having you move cities or leave a job. - Abusive partners are also often very charming. - Leaving abusive people isn’t something I have a lot of knowledge about at this point. But you deserve better and there are a lot of resources around to help you leave. Both information and actual, physical resources. Organisations in your area probably offer shelter, for instance. - More people should know about Coolage. It's a biological term and it's basically your genes fucking you over. If you put two rats in a cage, they'll fuck regularly for a while, then stop. Put them in cages with other rats and they'll fuck those rats. That’s coolage. Coolage is your genes saying, "It's been a while, you either have kids or it's not gonna happen. Move on." I believe humans often have this and it's a reason why people have less sex the longer they are together. You still like the look of your partner, you still enjoy it when you bang. It’s just that the urge to do it as much doesn’t happen as often. Coolage. Perfectly natural, don't sweat it. - We equate love with sex too much. The Greeks talked about there being several kinds of love. There's eros, which is sexual. There's new love and friend love and self-love. Then there’s what they considered the highest love: Pragma. It’s a more mature, realistic love. Pragma is based on compromise, understanding and patience to make it work long-term. If you have Pragma now, rather than a new sexy love? Well I think that’s pretty cool, honestly. - Another useful concept is the 5 Love Languages. We all express love in all these languages to different extents. Some feel more comfortable or feel it's more genuine to give gifts. Some prefer words. Some do tasks or spend time with you to show affection. Without understanding this, you may feel unloved when in reality your partner is sending love signals loud and clear. Talk about love languages with the people in your life. Look it up for a more thorough explanation. - I'm a fan of open relationships. You get cuddles and support while also flirting with dudes online. It also takes a certain pressure off of satisfying libidos for each other all the time. Say, if one person has a higher sex drive or you are dealing with coolage or injury. Some people find it easier to stick to an open relationship than monogamy. - Other people feel more comfortable in a monogamous relationship, which is also valid. - All open relationships have rules, even if they're unspoken. Don't bang their brother, for instance. Long-standing open relationship often have rules like, "No staying overnight." These rules may change as you both mature and discuss how things are going. - One rule I advocate is: Either of you can veto any guy even if it's for an irrational reason. So, you can always say, "Don't bang this guy." This always put your partner's feelings ahead of any dick. - Avoid breaking rules or cheating on your partner. I’ve broken a rule for something I found irresistible. I eventually had to come clean for two reasons: 1) Someone told me, “Everything comes out in 6 years,” and I was seeing signs that that was true. 2) Guilt about breaking a rule is a happiness tax. You can be having a good day and suddenly remember the bad thing. I personally just didn’t like it. No thank you. Avoid breaking rules. Coming clean may be the best option. It was for us. - Avoid being the person for someone else to cheat with. This is personal preference, I suppose. But I’ve slept with someone who was GOING to break-up with their partner. Then they didn’t. And years later I ended up shaking the hand of the man I had cuckolded. I didn’t tell him. At this point, I don’t think that’s my place. But I didn’t like that. No, I did not. 0/10, would not recommend. - Long distance relationships are emotionally difficult. Don’t enter one lightly. They also aren’t a long-term solution; you’ll want to settle in one place eventually. - I find this quote from Mr. Rogers useful: “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active word, like to struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - At the same time, sometimes change is needed. There’s a tension between that and Mr. Rogers’ great advice. I think we all must walk the line on that one. Accept someone as best you can but prod them to change if it’s needed. - Both partners must respect the others’ feelings. You will be happier if you can set and enforce reasonable boundaries in your life. Particularly on people wanting your time and energy. You will also have a healthier, happier partner if you respect their boundaries. - If someone ignores your feelings repeatedly, that’s a huge red flag. - Trust your gut, it often picks up on things before you do.
That’s the word limit, so I’ll put the rest in comments below. I told you it was thorough! Which is a nice way of saying going on for way too long.

Hey folks, I know there is already lots of info on reddit about preparing for top surgery, I figured I’d add mine anyway tho.
I just replied to a post from someone asking for tips and my comment got really long so I thought I’d edit it and re-post it here in case it’s helpful. I’m curious to know other people’s tips! Especially after the first 2 weeks. Excuse the slightly rambling style lol
My overall advice would be to plan for the “worst” (being quite debilitated for the first 2 weeks) but hope for the best. I have seen quite a few people say it was less painful than they thought, tho again it’s case by case.
Food prep: - I bought lots of frozen and canned meals and also prepared and froze portions of rice and lentils. 11 days post op I can probably chop vegetables and stuff again but I’m trying to take it easy so I’m still living off what I prepared/bought and what people brought for me. - It can be hard asking for help, but remember people want to help (that is what I had to tell myself). - Ask people to bring food.
Company and support: - I don’t have a partner so I scheduled friends to be there everyday for nearly the first two weeks. - You need someone present for the first 48hrs for safety reasons (but I’m sure the surgeon will go over all that kinda stuff). - You need someone to pick you up from hospital
Medication: - Write down, or ideally ask someone else to write down, what you are taking and when, you will be too out of it to keep a mental record and missing antibiotics isn’t good. Neither is accidentally OD-ing on Tylenol which is scarily easy to do and doesn’t take much (it probably wouldn’t kill you but could hurt your liver) - set alarms telling yourself when to take your pain meds (and possibly antibiotics). - You may be given strong antibiotics, you may not be. - Ask in advance if you’ll be on antibiotics and if so, buy some live probiotic pills and/or kefir or yoghurt (kefir is cheaper than pills and has live stuff in it). It’s really worth it if you can because happy gut flora promotes healthy immunity - tell the nurses if you feel nauseous and they will give you IV anti-nausea meds. Ask if you can have an anti-nausea script if you are a day patient
Not using your arms: - People say to practice strengthening your core muscles because you can’t use your arms to get out of bed for the first week or so. I don’t have a strong core and I was okay not doing this, but practice really engaging your core to help you get out of bed. - Put everything within arms reach, in your bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, laundry area. You won’t be able to lift your arms past shoulder height for weeks. Walk thru your house and physically test it out, assume you can’t move your upper arms away from your sides at all or get stuff off the ground. You are a T-Rex now. - I took over a small corner of our kitchen table where I put stuff I thought I’d particularly need like canned soup, fibre, vitamins, chocolate.
Bathing and feeling clean: - shave your armpits, I used a clipper set so still had some hair there. Helps reduce smell - I practiced kneeling in the bathtub to see if I could get up from that position without using my arms and I could. - In the end tho I could shower on the 5th day post op anyway so it was okay. - I bought baby wipes to help myself feel cleaner. - Also possibly tmi but I shaved my armpit hair and also pubes on like a 1 guard with the $10 dollar beard trimmer I have to minimise smells etc while i couldn’t shower - you will need help doing your laundry for at least 2 weeks. You aren’t supposed to lift anything remotely heavy for 6 weeks.
Mental health: - I scheduled lots of visitors because I have depression and after surgery you can get hit by depression so company is helpful. - You could ask your surgeon if they are comfortable prescribing short-term anti-anxiety meds for after surgery because the anaesthesia can cause nightmares in the first couple of nights after surgery. I have ptsd and has this happen and it wasn’t fun. I hope it doesn’t happen to many of you but yeah, some surgeons apparently always prescribe benzodiazepines (like Valium) some don’t
Swelling: - Wear the compression stuff they give you or your swelling can get really bad apparently - If you feel confident, you could ask your surgeon if they are okay to take your drains out before you leave if you stay overnight (which is standard in many countries). My surgeon always removes the drains and this is a more common practice and a lot less painful - ask if there is the option to wear a tubular compression bandage instead of a post-surgery binder. This is less horribly uncomfortable. They might say no but again many surgeons do this now and it can enable good compression but minimise pain and bruising
Constipation: - buy stool softeners - buy fibre (Metamucil or benefibre something very easy) - drink lots of water - I have a post in more detail about this in my post history, it is awful getting constipated and it can happen very badly
Money: - Budget for travel, medication, the extra cost of frozen food
After the 6-week mark: - continue to not push yourself too much and be a bit careful with physical activity
Random useful products: - disposable gloves for applying ointment to grafts etc - anti-bacterial handwash - travel pillow to help you sleep on your back propped up with extra pillows
Of course this isn’t medical advice and I’m not a doctor.
Any ideas or tips people wanna share?

About me:
White, male, 33-yo, 6' 1", 170-lbs. My diet consists of home cooked meals from scratch by my wife (i.e. no frozen dinners or pre-processed food), we eat out at most once per month. No soda and I try to limit deserts. I drink approximately 3-L of water daily (2-L at work). I take 1-tbsp of Metamucil daily, no other regular meds. Never smoked. Drink between 1-3 beers per week. Semi-active but mostly sedentary between office job and graduate school at night (also raising 2 kids). Other than the more sedentary lifestyle than I'd prefer and the annoying mucus thing, I'm a regular healthy guy with no other medical complications. Nothing similar to this runs in my family (and I've asked recently to make sure).
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Symptoms:
Excessive mucus in left sinus cavity, which drains into the back of my throat and makes swallowing difficult. Feels like a lump in the back of my throat. Swallowing is strained and I have to tense my necks to swallow. Persisting since April/May of 2018.
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Background of recent medical diagnosing:
When the symptoms started, I had been living in Virginia for ~3.5-yrs. The initial symptom was what I can only describe as a post-nasal drip, sort of a lump at the back of my throat that I couldn't swallow. It made swallowing difficult all the time and I constantly had to clear my throat to swallow. At first, I thought it was a cold coming on, so I ignored it. After a few weeks, I decided to check my throat and started seeing white opaque mucus on the back of my throat (a single strand, approximately 1/8" wide by 1/2" or longer), it was coming down from the upper left side of my throat, and I started noticing a bubble of mucus from that same area when I would gag. Using a wet Q-tip, I was able to dislodge the mucus and could swallow again. Then after no more than 30-min, it came back and I once again had difficulty swallowing. Occasionally, I would get a foul taste/smell in my mouth from the mucus.
After a few weeks of this with no relief and it starting to become annoying, I saw my PCP, who suggested I try NeilMed Sinus Rinse, and told me to take Zyrtec. We believe the Zyrtec made the mucus thicken up and swallowing was more difficult. After a 2-3 weeks of doing both of those with no relief, my PCP switched me to Flonase, which again, made no difference. She put in a referral to an ENT and put me on prophylactic Augmentin, just in case it was a sinus infection. The first dose nearly killed me (extreme vomiting, extreme diarrhea, unable to eat) and my PCP said I should continue taking it. On the 3rd dose, I decided to stop after consulting with the doc. I hadn't eaten anything in 36-hrs and any water I drank I kept vomiting up. After another 72-hrs of vomiting/diarrhea, I started feeling a little more normal, but still not 100% until about a week from taking the first dose. I had lost a total of 8-lbs from that ordeal that stayed off once I began eating again (yay I guess - I had a little pudge to lose and weighed 178-lbs when this began).
The ENT appointment finally came around, and he scoped my nose. There was mucus in the left sinus cavity (not sure which one), but the right sinuses were completely clear. His words, and I quote, were "curious". He put me on Bactrim and told me to continue the Sinus Rinse and after to use ____ spray.
At the end of the 10-day Bactrim regimen, there was zero change in the symptoms. He ordered a Sinus CT Scan. That came back negative for paranasal diseases and the sinus cavities were black with perfect walls (no deviated septum either). At this point, he said even though the symptoms were unilateral, it HAD to be allergies and referred me to an allergist. He said the good thing was that it definitely WASN'T life threatening, which I felt was very bold of him to say seeing as how he has no clue what the cause is.
The allergist spent some time getting to know me, and decided to order up 50 of the most common allergies in VA, along with dairy and coffee. The dairy was in case it was causing mucosal thickening. The coffee was a long story, but I had been diagnosed for celiacs disease (my sister was diagnosed years prior) though blood test. I went on a GF diet for 2-yrs and started having more issues. During that time, I moved to VA and had access to better doctors than middle-of-the-desert non-specialists (where I lived previously for 5-yrs). That blood test (allele typing) came back negative, and he told me to introduce gluten again, which I did and caused no issues. Until I started having stomach pains again. Through diet elimination, we discovered I had the stomach pains after drinking coffee and we concluded it was either a coffee allergy or acid in the coffee. The GI didn't feel it was necessary to pursue further and just told me to stop drinking coffee, so I begrudgingly switched to black tea. Flash forward, the recent allergy test finally proved it was most likely the acid in the coffee and I'm now drinking cold brew for the reduced acid with no problems.
The percutaneous (scratch) allergy test came back negative for everything (wheal/flare of 2-mm/2-mm for pigweed mix, lambs quarter, cocklebur, marshe eldeburweed, and dog). But she said those were definitely not slam dunks or positive results by any means. She did a subcutaneous test of 13 of those more common allergens, and I came back with positive tests for a Mold Mix (Alternaria alternata, cladosporium herbarum, penicillium chrysogenum, bipolaris sorokiniana, epicoccum nigrum) and Aspergillus fumigatus. Those were wheal/flare of 6-mm/6-mm and 8-mm/8-mm respectively. The allergist put me on Azelastine nasal spray in case it was an allergic reaction to something. After 2wks of this with zero-relief, she told me to stop taking it since it wasn't helping.
The allergist then thought it was possible that I may have a fungal growth in my sinus cavity and sent me back to the ENT for a fungal culture of the mucus. After 5-days, that culture came back negative - it didn't grow fungus or bacteria. The ENT told me to take Mucinex (1,200-mg, twice daily) to help clear the mucus, which had remarkable results for the first 2-days (this past Saturday/Sunday). After that, the symptoms came back with a vengeance. Today is my 4th day of taking Mucinex and my 2nd day with absolutely no relief. When the ENT called to tell me of the negative culture, he said that this could be silent reflux and to try Pepcid AC or Prilosec OTC. He wants me to continue the Mucinex for another 3 days, but if it doesn't help, then to try one of the reflux meds. I doubt it is either of these things because its not where he describes where the lump in my throat would be from reflux (which he said is usually lower in the throat, not high in the back of the mouth and above where I have it). After speaking with the ENT's nurse today about why the Mucinex was no longer working and what else to do, they basically gave me the boot and said good luck, with no possible explanation or further place to turn to for more testing. They didn't seem to care if I called back to let them know the results of trying Pepcid or Prilosec.
We have also ruled out environmental, since I've gone on several 1-wk long work trips to other states during which the symptoms persisted. When I got back from my most recent trip about 3-wks ago, I have been working in a different lab so I'm not spending as much time in my office as I used to, again no relief.
It has been close to 7-mo now that I've had this annoying symptom. I constantly clear my throat just to swallow and when I do, it's a struggle to swallow. I have a foul taste in my mouth at times from the mucus. I often have times where I can't swallow and it feels like I'm being choked (this happens when driving sometimes during my 35-min commute - yes, it could be a safety thing if I choke while driving). Nothing provides relief longer than a day or two. My PCP is stumped, my allergist said its definitely not allergies (mostly because the symptom are unilateral), and the ENT says there's no other testing he can do.
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I'm posting up here because I'm desperate to find relief. It is the most annoying thing to not be able to swallow and having to struggle to swallow.
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TL;DR:
Excessive mucus, drains into throat and I have to struggle to swallow - persisting for 7-mo now. My PCP, ENT, and Allergist are all stumped. Negative for allergies (nearly all of them), sinus infection, fungal infection, paranasal disease. Sinus CT Scan came back perfectly normal. No other health issues. Various medications don't help. Mucinex provided 2-days of relief, but now mucus is back with a vengeance. HELP!
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PS. Account is a throwaway for personal reasons.
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edit: The more I look up Silent Reflux (LPR), the more I think this could be the cause. I'm picking up some Prilosec OTC on my way home from work, which my ENT suggested I try after the Mucinex and Xlear. Since I can't find Xlear locally, I see no harm in trying the Prilosec OTC first. If I get relief with the Prilosec for more than a few days, I will see either my PCP or a GI to determine how to safely manage this (as I've read that long term PPI use has other issues).

Recently there has been a pretty noticeable uptick in posts proclaiming personal anxiety or nerves over the Raiders being relatively quiet in the time leading up to free agency. Some point at the moves of winning teams or division rivals to bring in new big name players or make trades for more picks or any number of things. So I sought out to bring some metamucil to these sour stomachs and ease anxiety over the quiet. I don't exactly know where this is going but I know where it is starting:

1. Free Agency hasn't officially started

This doesn't seem like it would need to be said but apparently it does. Agents are leaking details of agreement in principle (which aren't allowed and very likely will lead to league punishment) and some Raiders fans are stewing over our lack of activity at the top of the market. The lack of news around the Raiders could have multiple explanations with two of them being:

• We aren't actively involved in this period
• We aren't actively involved with players whose agents feel compelled to leak

The team has been connected via rumor to multiple names (some quite big) like Trumaine Johnson, Suh, Malcolm Butler, Doug Martin. We were in the Sherman rumor mill and we will pop up for more names as free agency actually unfolds.

2. Very little that has happened is really something we've missed out on

• The Browns trade for Jarvis Landry

Honestly the biggest sigh of relief I've had so far was Landry going elsewhere so I wouldn't have to worry about him landing here. He will be massively overpaid for his limited skillset and it won't end well in Cleveland.

• The Browns trade for Damarious Randall

Randall is one of the worst "name" corners in football. The only saving grace of that move for Cleveland is they are planning to move him to FS. He plays much better with the play in front of him and that is a genuinely smart move for them. If not for Joseph/Obi this trade might have been beneficial for us but we wouldn't have had a 2nd round QB to include in the mix and the draft pick cost would've been far more.

• The Browns trade for Tyrod Taylor

Simply something we'd have no interest in, period.

• Patriots acquired DT Danny Shelton and a 2018 5th round pick for a 3rd round pick in 2019

I think the price is a little steep for a player like Shelton who you could potentially find an analogue to on day 2 of the upcoming draft. Regardless it wouldn't have made sense for the Raiders to pull the trigger on after re-signing Jelly. Much like another guy mentioned below - they play the same role at around the same level. Perhaps he offers more as a pass rusher but the biggest feather in the Shelton over Jelly argument is cap hit - and that is only a temporary concern as Shelton will likely be extended/re-signed beyond Jelly's current number.

• 49ers sign Richard Sherman to a 3-y$39.15M contract

A player that we were interested in but never got the chance to meet with and given his final contract an outcome I can live with. It is true there is some risk in the contract for Sherman and very little is fully guaranteed but the contract is only team-friendly if Sherman sucks. So why sign a player hoping that he doesn't perform well enough to hit his incentives. That deal would put us in a position of cutting him after a down year or having cap space pressed by him being successful right as we need room for Mack and Amari extensions. Either way, Trumaine Johnson has been rumored to be the apple of our eye for weeks not anyways. He carries less risk in age, personality and injury history.

• Bengals acquired LT Cordy Glenn from the Bills

A bold move to upgrade a massive position of weakness. Makes a lot of sense for the Bengals who had no viable starter at LT but at quite a cost in my eyes. Moving back from an almost surefire starter in this draft to just outside the bubble. There are probably only 20 or so players that deserve first round grades in this draft and the Bengals are giving up a shot at one of them for an aging LT who missed a chunk of last season.

• Case Keenum to sign with Broncos

We don't need a stopgap QB so this is probably something we should be ok with

• Allen Robinson to sign with the Bears

The Bears are basically 2 years behind us right now and needed ANY viable weapon in their WR group. They were positioned with a ton of cap space and a glaring need. We would never be able to compete on a $14M APY deal for a WR coming off injury with pretty spotty past production. Would he have been an upgrade from Crabtree? That would be the hope but it isn't a guarantee.

• Chiefs give Sammy Watkins a 3-yr, $48M deal

See Robinson, Allen. Except we'd have to make even more room and probably cut Lynch and he'd be even more questionable as an immediate upgrade in the offense (he has a notoriously hard time picking up playbooks).
Bottom line for both ARob and Sammy is: we didn't need to make those moves. The Bears absolutely needed to land one of them and Kansas City is positioning itself to race for points because they have lost so much defensive talent.

• Andrew Norwell signs 5-yr, $66.5M deal w/Jags

This is my personal favorite because we have 2 guards better than Norwell and they both make less than him.

• KC signs former Cowboys LB Anthony Hitchens

Again, an near-absolute must do move for the Chiefs whose defense has been gutted in the front seven especially. $9M a year is too much for Hitchens and they are betting on linear development that might not happen. We can get a player to provide almost the same impact for probably close to half as much.

• Bills nab DT Star Lotulelei with 5-year deal

We just re-signed Jelly and they are basically the same player. They've wavered back and forth on who has the better season but most recently Jelly has been the better player.

• Dolphins give Albert Wilson 3-yr, $24M deal

Maybe the first of the early moves that would've made sense for us but at a cap number that is, frankly, too high. We wouldn't compete in that market for that player. One could argue for cutting Crabtree and targeting Wilson to improve our slot production but it would leave a hole on the outside we'd have to fill otherwise. Personally, I'd be just as happy sticking with what we have or targeting an outside WR and moving Amari to more of a slot role in 3+ WR personnel.

3. Addition by subtraction

We've freed up a decent chunk of cap space (over $10M in 2018 with no dead money) with yesterday's release of Sean Smith and Marshall Newhouse. Given the room we already had we do have the room to extend Mack and make a run at either one big name and some bargain bin players or multiple second wave players in free agency.

4. Potential for Addition

We've missed some of the big names that fans have thrown around for a while. Mostly at the WR position but really the market still bears plenty of fruit for us at virtually every position of perceived (or actual) need.
If you're not happy with the RB group? Some people like Carlos Hyde. Many others like Isaiah Crowell. Plenty like Dion Lewis, Rex Burkhead, Jerick McKinnon, Shane Vareen, Charles Sims, Terrance West, Doug Martin, Orleans Darkwa, Jeremy Hill, Jonathan Stewart. Even more could hit the market like CJ Anderson, Mike Gillislee, Lamar Miller, Latavius Murray, Bilal Powell, TJ Yeldon... And we haven't even mentioned the draft.
What about WR though? Certainly we missed the entire boat there. What about speed-demon John Brown? Maybe Paul Richardson, Jaron Brown, Dontrelle Inman, Marqise Lee, Taylor Gabriel, Donte Moncrief, Jordan Matthews, Kendall Wright. Or potential cap casualties like Randall Cobb, Allen Hurns, Brandon LaFell, Jeremy Maclin, Jordy Nelson, Emmanuel Sanders or Markus Wheaton. Again all without mentioning the draft.
Maybe you hate Jared Cook or really want to get a big replacement for Lee Smith. Don't worry, the TE market has plenty of options. Tyler Eifert headlines it but Trey Burton, Luke Willson, Virgil Green, Levine Toilolo, Richard Rodgers, and Austin Seferian-Jenkins all have something to offer. Maybe Dwayne Allen, Eric Ebron or Vance McDonald get cut too? Who can say?
The one pretty sparse group is the OT market but it isn't without bargain bin options like Reggie loves (and who is to say we the team isn't planning on Sharpe starting at RT). Justin Pugh could work at RT for a lot of teams, Chris Hubbard is probably my favorite coming from a backup role he filled beautifully in PIT, Cameron Fleming could have a bright future, LaAdrian Waddle could be decent depth. Menelik Watson and Austin Howard are both potential cap casualties and at least one of them was a pretty reliable short-term starter.
We all know Mack needs some help so what do we do if the plan is to play Irvin off-ball (Gruden indicates it isn't) and we need more EDGE help? Alex Okafor is coming off a career season which would usually inflate his price but he paired that season with a torn achilles that will undoubtedly hamper his market - some team is going to buy low and get a potential bargain. Trent Murphy could have the versatility to play multiple roles in a defense with a lot of moving parts - Barkevious Mingo could play a similar role. Jerry Attaochu still has plenty of potential if he can stay healthy with bonus points coming from sticking it to a division rival if he blossoms. Willie Young would be a bargain rotational pass rusher. What if the Seahawks continue to blow things up and Cliff Avril hits the market?
The area where we are probably in the most need barring progression of recent picks under a new DC (which I think is quite plausible) is the DL. Well too bad that market is spent, huh? The only guys left are Ndamukong Suh, Sheldon Richardson, Mo Wilkerson, Dontari Poe, Shamar Stephen, DaQuan Jones, and plenty more before we get the stacked draft class.
Each level of the defense needs help and that includes LB. So what happens if we can't retain Bowman (who has basically zero rumors around him beyond that we want him back)? Nigel Bradham is the standout in the open market but there are plenty of other guys who could be upgrades. Avery Williamson, Zach Brown, Todd Davis, Preston Brown, Kevin Pierre-Louis, Jon Bostic, Will Compton, Christian Jones, Devon Kennard and others all could offer something - even if that something is only quality depth behind hopefully better starters (maybe taken in the draft).
With the release of Amerson and Smith and the free agency of Carrie, CB is undoubtedly the most concerning of positions. Too bad this is the weakest CB market I've ever seen. Oh wait, it is the opposite. We are in on Tru and Malcolm. Then you get to another level where players like Aaron Colvin, Kyle Fuller, Morris Claiborne, Rashaan Melvin, EJ Gaines, Nickell Robey-Coleman (a personal favorite), Prince Amukamara, Nevin Lawson, Bashaud Breeland, Leonard Johnson, Ross Cockrell, Davon House, and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie span the gauntlet from instant-starter to valuable depth. We need both of those things. Paired with a top 10 draft pick we should be able to get viable starting corners despite missing out on literally one so far. Believe it or not.
With the recent drafting of Karl Joseph and Obi Melifonwu it would be hard to say that Safety is a dire need but it could be a position of interest for added depth - especially a season vet. The free agent pool contains pretty solid options and the draft as well. Eric Reid and Morgan Burnett are the headliner fits for us and we've been rumored to be in on Burnett (that GB to OAK pipeline). Kenny Vaccaro is another name in the market that could be interesting depth and/or their nickel or dime safety.

5. Splashing this time of year doesn't always translate to wins

Long time Raiders fans should be well aware of how winning the offseason often doesn't translate to winning during the season.
Why not start by looking at 2007, perhaps one of the biggest whiffs of all time as far as an offseason. Gibril Wilson was paid a tremendous amount of money to start for one season before being cut. That was the reward the team got for on of the richest contracts for a safety in league history. We backed that up by trading 2nd and 5th round picks for DeAngelo Hall. He then signed a 7 year, $70M contract and was released before the season was over. Tommy Kelly was our best signing that offseason and that is saying something because he was given the biggest contract ever awarded to a defensive tackle - despite, ya know, not being the best defensive tackle ever (or maybe even on the team during his time here).
2008 we gave Javon Walker and absolutely absurd contract, after missing 23 games in the 3 previous seasons, with reports that he was having trouble WALKING at the time he was signed. We overpaid for Kwame Harris - a player who wasn't needed on a terrible 49ers team. Bright side is we moved bust Robert Gallery to guard because of it. Hooray!
2009 was a quiet offseason where our biggest (and worst) move was probably signing Jeff Garcia.
2010 was supposed to be the year we turned it around with smarter signings and some genuinely good players were added but with consistent contractual flaws. Jason Campbell was our dark knight for a moment, Kamerion Wimbley was an instant upgrade pass rusher.
2011 was great losing our best defensive player (Nnamdi) and probably 2nd best defensive player (Zach Miller). Nnamdi is a great example of how winning free agency doesn't translate to winning games. That year the Eagles "won" free agency with their Dream Team and promptly were dogshit and had to blow up the roster. Eventually costing Andy Reid his job. This paired with the big time trade of massive draft assets for Carson Palmer and before you know it this team goes from 8-8 with promise to the doldrums of the league because of stupid trades (Aaron Curry too) and bad contracts (Wimbley and Nnamdi come to mind).
2013 we really got back in on splash moves and it translated directly to losses. Now, I understand the moves as they were done in context. The team was lacking young talent and in a horrible cap situation. That lead to a lot of bargain bin players coming in, many of whom were treated as premiere additions by fans. We signed a lot of players, most of them not very good. Between trades and signings I'm not sure there were teams more active than us overall but I remember teams who made bigger splashes. The Dolphins come to mind as the "winner" of the year and most of their premiere signings would be cut within 2 years (Phillip Wheeler, Dannell Ellerbe, Mike Wallace)
2014 we came closer to that slash range that Miami was moving into full-time. A lot of big-name (although aging) players landed in Oakland. Schaub, MJD, James Jones, Donald Penn, Tuck, Woodley, Rogers, Brown... James Jones, Justin Tuck and Donald Penn were pretty great signings all-things considered. But the rest of that group showed itself what it was - risky moves on names you recognize. Schaub, MJD, Woodley, Rogers and Brown were all terrible in their short time here. Ironically, we ended up upgrading at 2 positions fans were most upset over because of the departure of Houston and Veldheer. Penn and Mack stepped in and were instantly (and still are) better than both. The Fins were again in contention for winning the offseason with high priority acquisition of Branden Albert especially.
Basically, being hyper-active in this period of the offseason hasn't been fruitful many times before and even when things are right on target you still have a pretty great failure rate.

Original Prompt

Just Another Seasonal Job

^{Word Count: 1,440}
    Darren unscrewed the cap to a bottle of cheap liquor and took a swig. He slumped back in the gigantic red armchair dressed in festive christmas decorations and sighed. Another customer was yelling at the front desk. Everyone wanted their child's picture taken with Santa Claus and the lines outside the mall studio grew larger by the hour. Darren swished the liquor around in his glass bottle and took another swig.     "Hey. Hey you. Girl with the ponytail," Darren snapped his fingers and pointed at a girl on a laptop. The girl peeked over her screen and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. You there. I can't remember your name. Betsy. Bitsy. Whatever."     She showed her face and scowled. "It's Jennifer. What do you want?"     Darren took another swig from the bottle. "Look. I just work here, you know? It was never supposed to be like this. With this—this—this jolly fuckin' santa hat and lardass fat suit beneath the costume. It's the only job I could get."     "And you're delightfully wonderful at what you do, Mr. Claus," Jennifer replied. Her words were snarky and justified.     "Are you still mad I slapped your ass?"     "Fuck you, Darren."     "Point taken. I'll remember that later tonight when I'm jerkin' it to a blurry photo of your face on my knockoff chinese camera phone from the early 2000's."     Jennifer reset her posture and swiveled her chair facing opposite of where Darren was seated. She put a pair of earbuds in her ears and plugged it into her laptop.     Darren chugged the remaining alcohol from the bottle and shook it over his open mouth making sure he got every last drop. "How much longer do we have?" he asked. No one was paying attention to him. He threw the empty bottle into a pile of mock presents under a fake christmas tree. "I need a cigarette."     His eyes were bloodshot, and a film of grease shined on his face from the reflective umbrellas used in the photo shoot. Darren rose to his feet and aimlessly patted down his chest. "Bitsy do you know where my goddamn cigarettes are?" He swayed side to side and fumbled to the desk where Jennifer was working. "Bitsy," Darren said.     "God. Your breath is awful," Jennifer covered her mouth and nose with both hands, "and no. I don't know where your cancer sticks are."     "Fuckin' prude." Darren turned away and wobbled back to his chair. His oversized Santa pants hung off his thighs and dragged beneath the heels of his ginormous black boots. A rather short, well groomed, and flamboyant looking employee watched Darren the entire walk back to his seat. "What the fuck are you looking at Thomas?"     Thomas shook his head in dismay, crossed his arms and cocked his hip. "Three minutes until the next kid. Get a grip, Darren. Don't mess this up for the rest of us."     Darren kicked one of the mock presents as hard as he could and watched the empty box burst open. "Yeah? How's community college treating you, Thomas? Doing well? Doing real, real, well? Going somewhere with your life, aren't ya boy."     Thomas rolled his eyes and adjusted the collar of his well pressed shirt. "Whatever. Just be ready," he said.     "Does your boyfriend find your lisp attractive when he's slapping you in the face with his cock?"     "Just ignore him Thomas," Jennifer pulled an earbud out her left ear and turned to face Darren, "Go get the next kid. I'll keep an eye on grandpa. He's cranky without his metamucil."     "You all need serious help," Thomas said, and headed to the receptionist area at the front of the studio.     Darren fell backwards into the armchair and let it catch his fall. The chair tilted on it's two back legs and slammed forward with the momentum of Darren's body weight. "There they are. Found ya, you sneaky bastards." He leaned over in his chair, picked up a pack of cigarettes off the floor, and packed it a few times against his palm. His shaky hands fumbled with the pack until he slid out a single cigarette and placed it in his pursed lips. "Bitsy, you got a light?"     Jennifer watched in horror as Darren flicked a light and took a drag from the cigarette. She ran over to him and snatched it from his mouth.     Darren was outraged and yelled at her. "Hey what the fuck's your problem Bitsy?"     Jennifer pointed to her left, and Darren turned his head to have a look. A little girl with golden locks and a pink peacoat stood lonesome at the end of the red carpet hallway. Jennifer dropped the cigarette in her open can of soda and hurried over to the little girl. Darren eyeballed the two, primarily staring at Jennifer's ass as she bent over to speak to the little girl. He licked his lips and sunk back into his seat.     "Go on, Emily. Santa wants to hear all about it."     Emily was timid and dragged her feet when she walked. Her velcro skechers flickered with pink lights as she neared Darren. "Santa?" she asked.     Darren opened his mouth to speak, but greeted the poor girl with a hacking cough of someone on their deathbed. Emily was mortified. "Come on up on Santa's lap," he wheezed.     A beautiful glowing smile appeared on Emily's face and she ran over to Darren jumping in his lap.     "Fuck, kid. I said come on up here, not break my fucking manhood."     "Santa?"     "What, kid? What do you want?"     "My mommy is sick. Can you make her better?"     "What? No. What the fuck?"     Emily paused and looked down at her twiddling thumbs.     "I mean... sure. Why not. Anything else?"     Emily was too shy to ask. Her cheeks were flushed rosy red, and her bright blue eyes were filled with apprehension.     "Spit it out, Kid. I don't have all day—"     "Can you tell me a story?"     Darren glared at the little girl. "Bitsy get this fucking kid off my lap."     "But Santa, we still have to take pictures," Jennifer growled, "Re-mem-ber?"     "Well, hurry up and do your goddamn job, Bitsy. This kid is creeping me out." Darren reached into the mouth of his boot and revealed a disposable shot of peppermint schnapps. The safety seal crackled when he loosened the cap, and he downed it in one go. "So, you want to hear a story?"     Emily had a mixed expression of regret and fear on her face.     "So I was patrolling with my unit down an empty street of Iraq a few years back"—hiccup—"and this kid, right? No older than you, I shit you not, runs out the door of one of those shithole sand-nigger shacks they call buildings with a grenade in his hands. My buddy Travis is seeing the whole thing through a scope about two hundred fifty yards back, and let me tell you right now, he was dying laughing over the radio. I'm scared shitless for my life, and all this jackass could do was laugh. This kid is screaming at me like he was possessed by god only knows what, and I had my M16A2 pointed right at his chest"—Darren reached into the mouth of his other boot and pulled out another shot of schnapps—"all of a sudden I flinch to a high pitched whistle that passed by my head and I grab my left ear in pain. I look down and there's a crater sized hole planted where this kids face was supposed to be. Travis is still laughing over the radio, and I was missing an ear."     Darren slid the left side of his santa hat up and turned to show Emily. "So now all I've got is this fuckin' hamburger meat on the side of my head to show for it."     Jennifer gave Darren a thumbs up letting him know she was finished with the photography and editing.     "Santa... you smell funny..."     He knew he smelled like an alcoholics ashtray in the slums. "Yeah? At least I'm not the defective product of two miserable people fucking in the back seat of a car."     Emily's smile quickly turned to a frown, and Jennifer rushed over to her. "Okay Emily. Santa has to go check on his elf's in the toy factory—"     "The fuck do I look like? An early 1800's plantation owner? I don't own any slave elf's. Why don't you take a blowtorch to your face and fix your ugly, Bitsy."     Jennifer covered Emily's ears and walked her down the golden trimmed red carpet to the front of the studio.     Darren downed the schnapps in his hand, threw the empty plastic bottle to the side and yelled, "Next!"
^{Check out /MishaCreatesMadness if you want to read more of my writing. Thanks for reading!}

Introduction:
I've been a long time lurker here on reddit, casually browsing the front page and various sections just for laughs and information, but I've never really had anything I felt strongly enough about to post. But my weight loss journey is something I feel very proud of, and now that I've found this reddit section, I though I would use my story to try and motivate others that feel lost.
Story:
I've always been a bit of a big guy. As posted in my title above, I'm a tall guy at 6ft 5in, and when I graduated high school I was a happy and hefty 265lbs. After high school though, thats when my weight began to skyrocket. Most of my free time was spent going out to dinner with my then girlfriend, and playing video games at home, or at a friends house. Short of that, I really had no social life and this lasted for about 8 years. I remember sometime during this time, my girlfriend and I went to Knotts Berry Farm, and trying to ride the Jaguar, when I found out I would not be able to ride the rollercoaster as the safety bar would not fit over my body... But I contributed that to my height..... But then, in late 2011, one day a relative of mine, a little younger than me, got news that she tested positive for Diabetes. This was a wake up call for me, as we both were overweight, but I knew I was heavier than she was... so if she has diabetes, then that means I was a candidate for sure. So I knew something had to change. The first thing I needed to do was find out exactly where I was, weight wise. In my mind, I felt I hadn't looked any different than high school, but the scale soon brought me to reality. First scale I tried was just my family scale (good for up to 320lbs), which to my surprise read "ERR" once I stepped on it..... Ok... thats sucks... luckily I knew of a buddy that owned a scale that went up to 365lbs. So I tried his scale.... and "ERR" again... Ok so I'm heavier than 365lbs! Something has got to change, and my journey began there.
Diet:
This is where I first struggled. Like most that decide to diet, first thing I did was go on the strictest diet I could think of. Tossed all the food out I had in my pantry, and went to the grocery store and stocked up on oatmeal, chicken breast, veggies, salad, salmon, lean beef etc.... And then stopped and picked up a Large pizza on the way home.... after all, I'm gonna start my diet tomorrow.... Of course, tomorrow never came, because I would start off my day ok, eating oatmeal for breakfast, canned tuna (w/ mustard) for lunch, and then by dinner I was craving my old habits, so I would give in to a fast food dinner such as 2 double cheese burgers at MC Donalds large fry, and large Dr Pepper.
So this diet thing wasn't going to work for me, I realized I couldn't just give up comfort food like this. After all, food is considered social in my family, my girl likes to go out to eat, and quite frankly I love food myself. So my goal was to figure out a way that I could eat the food I loved, and still lose weight...
I signed up with Bodybuilding.com to do some research on weight loss. And I came across something called If It Fits Your Macros (IIFYM) and Calorie counting, which seemed to be my dream come true. Was it true that I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and as long as I stayed in a caloric deficit, I would lose weight?!?!? After reading several forums, most people believed that you still had to eat "clean, healthy foods" to lose weight, but I didn't see how your body would know the difference between a good calorie and a bad calorie (when it comes to losing weight, Nutrition wise is another story). So I decided to try IIFYM and calorie counting, and enjoy myself... in moderation.
STAGE 1:
I downloaded MyfitnessPal to keep track of my daily calories, and began keeping track of things I ate throughout the day. When I first began using the app, my goal was to eat 2000 calories or less per day to drop some lbs. Food type didn't matter, just whatever I craved, just under 2000 calories.
SAMPLE DAILY MEALS
SAMPLE 1: Breakfast: One A Day Multivitamin - 15 calories 6 egg white omelette - 90 Calories 4 slices Center Cut Bacon - 100 calories 1 slice Fat Free Cheese - 25 calories
Lunch: ON Whey Protein Shake - 120 calories Sugar Free Metamucil - 15 calories
Dinner: 2 McDonalds Mc Double - 390 calories each (780) 1 McChicken no mayo add mustard - 300 calories (OR) 2 In & Out Double Double (ketchup and Mustard instead of Spread) (550 calories each) Snack 1 Bag flaming hot Cheetos - 480 calories
Daily Total: 1925 Calories
SAMPLE 2: Breakfast: 2 Servings Cereal (cinnamon toast crunch) w/ 1 serving non-fat milk - 300 calories
Lunch: ON Whey Protein Shake - 120 calories Sugar Free Metamucil - 15 calories
Snack: 1 Bag of skittles - 230 calories
Dinner: 1 whole Digorno Pizzeria Pizza (Primo pepperoni) - 1360 calories
Daily Total: 2025 calories
You get the idea... And my weekend were cheat weekends, where I wouldn't monitor my calories, and just eat whatever I want, whenever. This still allowed me to go out with friends, with my girlfriend, and didn't hamper my social life too much.
Workout: During this time, Only workouts I did was cardio in my apartment gym 3 days a week, for 45 mins at a time. Nothing too big at all.
Progress: This lasted for about 3 months, and during that time, I would go over my friends house every once in a while and weight myself. Finally seeing a number on that scale was my first victory, even though it was 354lbs... but over time, that 354 became 330's and eventually 320lbs. At this time, I decided I wanted to incorporate some weight training with my cardio, to try and combat the potential loose skin I was now afraid of.
STAGE 2:
Workout: I looked online for a good beginners routine that I would be able to do with dumbbells only, as this was all I had available to me in my apartment gym (set that went from 10-40lbs), and I was still too ashamed of my body to try and workout at a LA Fitness. I found a routine very similar to this one here http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/rudy6.htm and just did it every Monday Wednesday and Friday, with 45 mins of cardio every Tuesday and Thursday.
Mon,Weds, Friday: Squat - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Stiff Leg Deadlift - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Lying Press - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Lying Flys - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Overhead Press - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Lateral Raise - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Bent-over Rows - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps Biceps Curls 1-3 Sets - 8-12 reps Lying Triceps Extensions - 1-3 Sets - 8-12 reps Abdominals Crunches - 2-4 Sets - 8-12 reps
Tuesday, Thursday: 45 mins Cardio (treadmill, or elliptical)
Weekend: Rest
Diet & Progress: My diet didn't change at all from what I was doing before as I felt my calorie deficit was enough, and after another few months, I was able to drop down to about 285lbs.
STAGE 3:
Exercise: At this point, I was beginning to bore from working out in the apartment guy all the time, and was looking to try something new, so I decided to sign up at LA Fitness where I would have access to more equipment. With this new gym, came a new routine, and this is the routine that I've been using since (with minor modifications every few weeks)
5 Day Split:
Monday - Chest (4 sets-12 reps)
Incline bench Flat Bench Decline Bench Chest Fly Machine Cable Crossovers Dips Abs 30 mins Cardio Machine
Tuesday: Back (4sets-12reps)
Pullups/Assisted Pullups Lat Pulldown High Rows Seated cable rows Dumbbell rows Hyper extensions 30 mins Cardio Machine
Wednesdays - Shoulders (4 sets 12 reps)
Shoulder Press Lateral raise machine Rear delt flys Dumbell Front Raises/lateral raise Supersets Shrugs Upright Rows Abs 30 mins Cardio Machine
Thursday - Legs (4 sets 12 reps)
Deadlifts Leg Press Hack Squats/Squats Leg Curls Leg Extensions Calf raises 30 mins Cardio Machine
Friday - Arms (4 sets 12 reps)
Barbell curls / skull crushers superset Hammer curls / dumbbell tricep kickbacks superset Supine curls / rope pulldowns superset Cable Curls / cable tricep extensions superset 7-7-7's / tricep dips superset Abs 30 mins Cardio Machine
Saturday, Sunday - REST
Diet: Now this changed actually a few times... At first I kept the same IIFYM diet I had been doing until I hit 265lbs, but then I hit a plateau for a month. During my frustration, I found keto and I gave that a shot. Doing keto for only a month and a half bust my plateau, and allowed me to drop down to 245lbs. After I got off keto, I went back to my IIFYM diet, with a new calorie intake goal of 1700 calories per day, and continued to lose weight were I would eventually setting at around 225lbs. It was here I hit another plateau where I would add in a second LISS cardio session per day. This allowed me to drop my lowest point of 208lbs.
Where I am Currently:
The entire weightloss progress took about 2 years, and I have been able to keep the weight off since then (From 2014-now) making little strides here and there. After spending the last summer walking around with visible abs, and enjoying every minute of it, I knew I never wanted to lose that... But I also felt small. Most of my friends and family said I was too skinny, so I knew a winter bulk would be in order. Starting in September, I went on a dirty bulk, where I monitored nothing that I ate, got on creatine, and dropped cardio complete. My only focus was making sure I went to the gym every weekday. And by January 30th, I got back up to around 235lbs. Mid February, I began cutting to judge my progress, and currently sit at 220lbs as seen in my current photo (Photos Below).
Current Workout:
5 DAY SPLIT (Still the same routine above)
Current Diet:
IIFYM, 1500 calories a Day, Cheat Weekends
Big 3 Lifts: Bench - 335 Squats - 355 Deadlift -455
Progress Photos Starting weight -370lbs http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d90/savior1974/IMG_1578.jpg
Progress http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d90/savior1974/progress.jpg http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d90/savior1974/gfhgfh.jpg
Starting (370) vs Lightest (208) http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d90/savior1974/IMG_0590%202.png
Lightest (208) to Current (220) : After Bulk http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d90/savior1974/IMG_0591.jpg
Conclusion:
And there you have it. It is possible to go from Morbidly Obese, to reasonably fit, and keep it off for a while. It is also possible to eat what you like, enjoy life, and still lose weight. It just comes down to moderation and self control. I understand results would have possibly been quicker if I ate clean, but I realized I would never succeed eating food that I didn't enjoy so I had to find something that worked for me. All you need to do, is find what works for you, and keep working, even if things slow down, keep pushing and you will accomplish your goal.
TLDR: Weighted 370lbs+ (Scale said ERR) Lost 160lbs over 1&1/2 years eating fast food and pizza (reached 208lbs) Kept weight off for 2 years Currently bulked to 220lbs
Edit 1: BTW I wish my wife would let me post up her results as well, she followed the same diet plan I did, albeit her own calorie deficit, and dropped from 175lbs to 123lbs. So yes it works for women as well :)

Kiln build!
I was told there was five bucks in it for me if I wrote this out. Heh.
Pics on Imgur
Anyway, here’s a quick and dirty 5000 watt kiln build. It’s not pretty but it heats up steel to 2100F all day long. It’s fast, very effective, and best of all cheap compared to the evenheat and such. You can make it as big as you like too. This particular example is about 17 inches deep and only uses about 30% duty cycle at 1000C so in theory you could go quite a bit bigger with 5000 watts. I sketched a rough diagram, included a few pics, etc. I am assuming you’re semi-handy if you need one of these in the first place. If you don’t have a basic understanding of AC wiring and electricity safety, DO NOT attempt this build. Touching the element with a conductor (like, say, a knife) can send you flying and possibly stop your heart. Arcing 240V will wreck your day. This is not a joke. The guts of your box are full of opportunities to touch live terminals as well – never plug in your box without closing it up. Have fun and stay safe. Along those lines, I’m also not going to read you the book. The PID comes with a wiring diagram; use it. If you don’t understand relays, well…that represents a risk to your project. Look them up. I’d recommend reading a little about 240v if you don’t already get it – I provided a small primer but you would do well to understand the beast before climbing into its cage.
Materials: Insulating fire brick. 17 used in this build, plus extra for “doors”.
PID – I used the AGPtek, make sure you get the SSR version. The switched versions don’t put out voltage and won’t activate your relays (ask me know I know)
2x 40 amp solid state relays, recommended with heatsinks
Project box
120v fan
Refractory mortar. The caulk tube kind works well for this build.
Kanthal 5000W element from Ebay. This is 1.5mm thick wire, much better than the 1500-3000 watt elements which are MUCH thinner. The thick stuff doesn’t sag as badly and lasts much longer.
Thermocouples, K-type. Buy a few as they’re kind of a wear item.
Stainless bolts, 4+ inches to go through the bricks and serve as electrical contacts. DO NOT get zinc plated bolts; this kills the knife maker.
Stainless wire, 14 gauge or so, for making staples
Wire – 10 gauge silicone wire for the AC and some 16 or 18 or whatever for the internals
Plugs, heavy duty cordage, etc. I’m not holding your hand on this stuff.
Build: Regarding bricks, go on Ebay and find 2300 degree insulating fire brick. NOTHING ELSE WILL DO. 2300 is the magic number because it insulates the best while surviving the heat. Solid refractory brick WILL NOT work. How do I know? I tried it. You can’t get it hot because it doesn’t insulate at all and you just end up heating your workshop. Waste of time and money. Pay for the insulating fire brick and move on.
You need to be a little bit handy but this is not rocket surgery. Remember legos? Just lay out the bricks (sketching can help) in such a manner that you get a brick-sized tube. This is so you can use a brick for the door without any stupid hardware or assembly. It works great, it’s replaceable, you can cut it to have an access slot in the bottom if you want to use your oven as a forge, etc.
Once you have your layout, sketch a path for your element. You’re going to use a drill bit or a router to mill a nice trench for the wire to sit in. This part is important. Let’s talk about Kanthal A for a moment, shall we? You need to know this or you’re going to buy a lot of replacement elements trying to get it tow work. Kanthal is a cheap and effective element which functions in atmospheric (oxidizing) conditions, but it takes some TLC to get it working. Kanthal gets soft at high temps, melts / destructs at really high temps, and forms a brittle oxide coating at any temp. That means:

1. You have to support it in a trench or it sags and melts and generally falls apart.
2. You cannot insulate it by putting it deep in the trench or it overheats and melts. Make the trench only 3/8 inch or so deep.
3. You must stretch the element SIGNIFICANTLY. It comes tightly coiled. If you don’t stretch it to about twice its initial length, the coils are too close and it will overheat and destruct.
4. You need to wrap a couple of the coils around the end of a bolt to serve as the electrical contact. Use a bolt long enough to go all the way through the firebrick to the outside. Remember, this thing gets HOT – copper will melt, so use stainless bolts to get through / out of the brick before attaching copper leads.
5. You cannot move the kanthal after it heat cycles. The oxide crust which forms protects the wire from further oxidation (AlO2), but it is brittle. The element will probably snap if you try to adjust it after firing it.
6. Don’t shorten your element. This lowers its resistance and actually increases the heat output. This can overload your circuit, melt the element, and generally wreck your day.

So, where were we. Kanthal ships about 80cm long, so draw a path for it to sit in the oven at least twice that long. I went from the back of the oven to the front, back to the back, across the back, and then to the front and back again on the other side – all with the same element. This path is TOO SHORT. My element gets a bit too hot and even required a repair. I’m proably going to do this again with all my knowledge and I’ll do at least one more lengthwise pass on each side to stretch the element out more and lower the energy density. I’ll also make the oven at least 9 inches deeper. I will also locate the element connections in the FRONT, as should you – it’s a pain in the ass reaching in there to connect things. Again – your path CANNOT be too long, the more you stretch the element the longer it will last.
Trace out that nice long path with a sharpie on your bricks. They’re soft so use a router, a drill bit, or even a round file to grind out your channel. The coils should not be completely enclosed in the channel. Deep spots in the channel will hold heat and destroy your element. Uniformity is important and don’t make it any deeper than the element is tall. Choose your endpoints wisely (as stated above) so that you can access the electrical connections easily.
Ok, you’ve got a few U-shaped scribbles and you’ve milled out that channel on each brick. Now glue them together with the refractory mortar. RTFM. Not difficult. I used extra bricks to support the top of the kiln at the correct height and just pulled them out when it was cured. This ensures you get a nice tight fit of your door brick. Let it sit overnight as it tells you to. Drink some Metamucil and go to bed. Let it set up before you are tempted to try something stupid.
Good morning. Let’s put this thing together. Stretch your element with a vise and some visegrips so it’s just long enough to fill the channel. Wrap a couple loops of the coil around the tops of your two stainless bolts. Fit the element into the channel. Drill out the bolt holes and push them through the brick. Use stainless wire to make U-shaped staples to hold the element into the brick. Just push them in, it’s that soft. I’d say one staple per three to five inches of element, more around the curves. That’s all there is to it – your kiln is built. I’m sure you’re thinking this is a “draw the rest of the owl” moment, but it’s really that simple. I put some extra refractory cement on the floor to toughen it up, “caulked” the corners, etc to improve heat retention a little but I’m not sure any of it was necessary. Punch a hole in the top in the center, far as possible from the element, and stick your thermocouple in.
Now the fun part – try not to fry yourself as we build the box. Take a look at the diagram. I added some lights; they’re not included. You can get 110v and 220v LEDs on amazon or wherever – I used one to indicate power to the unit, one to indicate that the unit is switched on, and one to indicate firing. You can do whatever you like here, or nothing at all – the PID itself really gives you all that info anyway. Hook things up and mill / drill / grind out your enclosure to fit the components as necessary. A dremel can do the whole thing.
240 primer: Your household current consists of three lines. You’ve got two 180-degree opposed 120V lines and a ground. If you measure between one 120 rail and ground, you get 120. If you measure between the two 120V rails, you get….yep, 240. You could get away with a 120v kiln but let’s do this right. You can re-use your dryer plug if you like; just buy the right plug for your unit. I wired my shop for 240 so I was all set with 20 amp outlets. Your 5000W element will theoretically draw 21 amps but with resistance and inductance in your system you’ll be just fine with a 20 amp outlet. I recommend SSRs with heat sinks. I thought my box would be good enough as a heat sink but it gets really hot. I have a bigger box and intend to redo this part with the fan internal and some heat sinks…don’t underestimate the heat bleed from the SSRs.
So, wiring it up – you have two 120V rails coming in. Run heavy duty wire from each to its own 40 amp SSR. The other pole on the SSR runs to your kiln element. Remember, we’re talking 20 amps of current – use heavy duty wire for this part or you risk a fire or a meltdown. I bought some 12 gauge two-conductor wire from home depot to run to the kiln. Your SSR takes minimal current to run, as does your fan so you can use light wire for these. Take either both 120V rails or one rail and ground to the PID power terminals; it runs on either. Ground and one rail to the fan. Break the PID power supply with a switch. Take the PID outputs to the relay inputs, paying attention to + and -. The PID will turn the relays on and off; the relays turn the element on and off. Simple stuff. I’d also break the PID-to-relay positive with a switch – this lets you turn the PID on and set up a temperature without immediately firing the oven. Mine comes on and immediately heads for the last temp the PID was set to and that sucks, so put that switch in. Attach thermocouple to PID. Done. It’s all over but the crying. You should have power the PID, relays attached to the oven, everything good to go. Set the PID to 200C or so and see what you get. You should hear a deep 60hz buzzing and the element should get hot quickly. Put your door on and work it up to 700C, 100 at a time. You’re letting the element oxidize and harden up before going nuts. After an hour or so, you’re set – Let the oven cool completely and then take it up to temp, 1100 or so, just to make sure everything works…and treat some steel!
Thoughts and considerations:

1. Argon or other inert gas could be slowly piped in for a better atmosphere. This is simple stuff; just grab some at the local welding supply and use stainless or ceramic pipe to get it into the back of the oven slowly off a regulator.
2. A steel case for the oven would be nice. It’s too cold to be fussing around with my welder this time of year but I have some angle iron and sheet metal and I’ll probably fab a box for my next generation build in the spring.
3. The thermocouples suck. After a few hours at 2000+, the casing melts and then you only have a couple more hours until the thermocouple reads low. This is bad. I’m thinking a quartz test tube to protect the thermocouple could help. The argon atmosphere would help too.
4. If you want to do this with just 120V, you can use the same element but you’ll need to shorten it, measure the resistance, and do the math to get it to the right current. I’d still recommend getting the heavy duty 5000W element and shortening it vs. getting the thinner stuff. I think you can just cut it in half to get 20 amps and 2500 watts. The rest of the build is identical, except that you only need one relay instead of both. You can even build the 220 with one relay, but the element is 120 volts to ground when powered off but plugged in and this represents a hazard.

Cheers and happy grinding!
1fireuih1YA2WYwfWD4y6zBjGQMQCa8ye

Half the crowd gather around CJ and Nolan Hawk while the rest huddle around Harvey and Scott. Harvey lays in a couple good punches and Kyle Scott continues to back pedal through the crowd on the defensive. As he stumbles away David Harvey grabs him by the back of the head and runs him into a nearby popcorn stand, throwing Kyle Scott headfirst into the glass. Scott slumps backwards, a mountain of popcorn and shattered glass pouring on his head.
Woodbridge: That was a-MAIZE-ing!
Paisner: You're reaching Mark. And its not funny. I'll probably have to pay for that.
Crowd: DAVID HAR-VEY! Clap, clap, clap clap clap
Harvey raises a fist, nodding yes to the crowd. He reaches behind the popcorn stand reaching for something as Kyle Scott attempts to crawl to safety, a trickle of blood flowing down his face from the broken glass.
Paisner: Its... its... it... I can't believe it! It IS butter! Scalding hot butter!
Harvey grabs a ladle full of piping hot... whatever that disgusting shit is they call butter they serve at movie theaters and the like.. he walks up behind Kyle Scott and pulls him back by his tights, exposing a fair amount of butt cheek.
Paisner: He's not gonna... no! No! Don't do this!
Harvey pours the ladle down the back of Kyle Scott's tights. Scott begins screaming, flailing around on the ground as scalding hot butter burns his ass and thighs... MAYBE a little back sack. If there is a God.
Crowd: BUTTER NUTS! BUTTER NUTS! BUTTER NUTS!
Woodbridge: You'd think he would have BUTTERED him up, BEFORE he as-SALT-ed him?
Paisner: Really Mark!? Really!? ... not bad.
Woodbridge: I try.
CJ and Nolan Hawk begin to show signs of life on the arena floor as David Harvey swims through the crowd back towards the ring and to his partner. He reaches the far ring post from where CJ and Nolan Hawk lie-
MEEP! MEEPMEEMEEP! MEEP!
Several fans in attendance from behind David Harvey begin being shoved out of the way when finally the sea of people part.
Paisner: It's DEAN ARROW!
Woodbridge: And he's riding... what the fuck is that?
Dean Arrow emerges from the crowd riding on the back of Obese Redneck Woman's Scooter going impossibly fast.
Woodbridge: She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
Dean Arrow: I'M GONNA RAM HIM!
Obese Woman: BLE-ARRRGHHHHHHHH!!!
The motorized scooter hits David Harvey dead on, the front end clipping the bottom of the steel ring post as David Harvey's feet dance out of the way. Unfortunately, the scooter flips forward launching the near 400lb woman into David Harvey, crushing him against the ring post.
Paisner: What the fuck is going on!?
Arrow stands over David Harvey and the poor fat woman, laughing hysterically. Tears flow from his eyes as he tries his best not to double over in laughter, using the ring apron for support as he makes his way towards CJ and Nolan Hawk staggering to their feet.
CLINK CLINK CLINK
Crowd: (singing) WE'VE GOT SUNSHINE!! ON A CLOUDY DAY!!
Woodbridge: The Champ! ...Is here!
Paisner: Fucking Mark.
Ryan Sunshine emerges from a group of rednecks, his trusty aluminum bat bat by his side, a bandage on his head from his recent head wound courtesy of a chain. He marches towards Dean Arrow with purpose.
Dean Arrow: Oh shit...
Arrow puts his arms over his head as Sunshine bashes him in the shoulder with the bat. Arrow goes down into the fetal position and Sunshine lays another shot into his back. CJ stumbles towards his best friend to help, but he's too slow and Sunshine thrusts the end of the bat into his stomach causing CJ to double over and fall to his knees.
Woodbridge: Sunshine is teeing off on the Strays!
Hawk spots Sunshine and the two men exchange nods of acknowledgement. Sunshine takes the bat and points it, passed Nolan Hawk, to the other side of the barn/arena. Nolan Hawk turns and looks behind him than turns back to Ryan Sunshine, smiles and nods.
Paisner: Sunshine just pointed at that giant stack of hay!
Hawk grabs CJ by the back of the head and begins escorting him through the crowd towards the stack of hay. While Ryan Sunshine pulls Dean Arrow up and rolls him into the ring.
Paisner: Ryan Sunshine should not be competing here tonight. He's been diagnosed with a mild concussion, a soft tissue injury to the back, not to mention that laceration to the head given to him by The Strays two weeks ago.
Woodbridge: I don't care what they say... he's a fighting champ and one tough son of a bitch!
Hawk reaches the stack of hay and bodyslams CJ onto the concrete floor in front of it while Dean Arrow begs for mercy inside the ring from Ryan Sunshine, still holding that bat. Hawk begins climbing to the top of the haystack as Ryan Sunshine drops the bat on the mat in between himself and Arrow. Arrow quickly scrambles towards the bat and reaches for it when Sunshine's boot comes stomping down on his hand, grinding it into the mat.
Paisner: Christ... you could hear those finger bones crack from back here!
Sunshine pulls Dean Arrow to his feet by his injured hand and whips him hard into the ropes, Arrow rebounds back and Sunshine plants him with the 'Contiental Divide'. Sunshine keeps his hand down on Arrow's chest and looks over to Nolan Hawk now on top of the haystack, some 25 feet up. Something like that.
Woodbridge: Nolan Hawk is looking to end CJ's career just like CJ attempted way back at 'Sorry Not Sorry'!
Paisner: Holy shit... (screaming at Nolan Hawk) SAVE IT FOR PAY PER VIEW!
Ryan Sunshine begins chanting and beating his chest. Soon after the crowd joins in.
Nolan Hawk closes his eyes and soaks in the moment. As the crowd continues to chant and dance around like maniacs.
Woodbridge: It's Kate Stokes!
Stokes, still wearing Maurice Chondon's jacket runs up and throws herself over CJ's body. She screams up at Nolan Hawk.
Kate Stokes: PLEASE NO! PLEASE! DON'T!
Tears pour down Kate Stokes face as she cradles CJ's head in her arms.
Paisner: Kate Stokes is putting her life on the line for this man! Seriously! What the fuck does she see in him?
Hawk hesitates on top of the giant stack of hay as Ryan Sunshine gets to his feet and begins walking towards the ropes, seemingly to get Kate Stokes out of the way.
SCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAACCCHHHH
Woodbridge: Holy balls!
The entire wall behind Nolan Hawk begins to bend and warp. The screeching sound of sheet metal tearing apart like aluminum foil fills the area as the rednecks run away from that side of the building in fear. Kate Stokes grabs CJ and manages to get him on his feet, throwing his arm over her shoulder and dragging him away from the giant hay stack.
ZZZZZHHHHHHZZHHHHHHH POP!
A electrical explosion is heard and the arena/barn's lighting flickers out and dies. The rednecks continue to scream and run for the exits. Only four lights remain belonging to the WiR ring crew and operating on a separate generator, illuminating only the ring and area around it.
Paisner: I can't fucking see anything! Dispatch the steady cams!
The wall begins to tear apart and a bright light shines into the darkened barn/arena, backlighting Nolan Hawk standing on top of the hay bales in an impossibly cool shot.
Paisner: What the... what the fuck is that!? Is that... it couldn't be!
Woodbridge: It is! Its former 24/7 Bruce Rodgers Hardcore Champion... Backhoe! And she's being operated by MIKE STARR!
Backhoe tears through the sheet metal wall, its claw raised high. Ryan Sunshine can only watch as the Backhoe rams into the giant stack of hay with Nolan Hawk still on top of it. Hawk leaps off the haystack and hits the ground rolling only for a wave of 1500lb bales of hay to overtake him.
Paisner: By God! They buried Nolan Hawk alive!
Woodbridge: I guess now would be a bad time for a joke about finding a needle in a haystack, huh?
Paisner: Ya think!?
Sunshine rushes out of the ring and sprints over to the toppled mountain of hay bales. Mike Starr just points and laughs maniacally. He attempts to leave the cab, only to find himself barricaded in by a combination of torn sheet metal and bales of hay. Sunshine followed by a camera crew reaches the dozens and dozens of toppled hay bales, desperately trying to dig his way towards where we last saw Nolan leap down.
Ryan Sunshine: What are you just standing around for!? HELP!
A few burlier rednecks begin to help Ryan Sunshine push away hay bales and dig. Mike Starr begins frantically kicking out the back window of Backhoe in attempt to escape.
Woodbridge: Kyle Scott!
Kyle Scott sprints into action leaping onto a row of hay barrels and hitting Sunshine with a flying knee to the side of the head knocking him into two rednecks helping him dig out Nolan Hawk. Kyle Scott mounts Ryan Sunshine, the back of his tights stained in hilarious fashion from the butter earlier, and starts pounding fists into the face of the WiR Champion.
Paisner: Come on! Enough is enough!
Mike Starr finally manages to kick out the back window of Backhoe and escapes to the outside the arena. Scott pulls Ryan Sunshine to his feet and leads him towards a nearby sidedoor to the arena/barn speeds up and slams Ryan Sunshine head first through the door sending him into the great outdoors. Scott follows him out, followed by the WiR camera crew to find themselves at...
THE ROBESON COUNTY FAIR!
Paisner: Something tells me we're never going to be allowed back here.
Woodbridge: No shit.
Ryan Sunshine begins crawling on his hands and knees away from the arena. Kyle Scott stalks him from behind, his stride impeccably smooth thanks to the loads of butter greasing his thighs. He kicks Sunshine in the back knocking him down to the dirt and follows up with a couple swift kicks to the ribs. The camera pans left to see Mike Starr sprinting around from the other side of the building, past the line Port-A-Potties where Kairo, Studd, El Not So Terrible and Dragon Terrible brawled earlier.
Paisner: RANSOM RAY!
Mike Starr reaches the final Port-A-Potty when Ransom Ray pops out from in between the last two. He tackles Mike Starr, obliterating him and sending him flying into the side of the barn/arena with a sickening thud.
Woodbridge: Texas sized tackle by Ransom Ray!
Kyle Scott charges at Ransom Ray and leaps up trying to tackle Ray to the ground with a Lou-Thesz Press. Ray catches Kyle Scott in mid air and slams him into the door of the nearby Port-A-Potty causing it to teeter but not fall over.
Man's Voice: HEY!
Kyle Scott collapses to the ground as Ransom Ray rolls his head around his neck stretching and strokes his fabulous mustache. He turns back towards Mike Starr trying to get to his feet when the Port-a-Potty door he slammed Scott into opens up. John Doe pokes his head out, his pants still around his ankles.
Paisner: God damn he must be really backed up.
Woodbridge: Must be all the funnel cake. Metamucil, John Doe, its a lifesaver.
John Doe: What the hell is going on out here!? Can't you assholes find someplace else to ju-UUMPH!
Ransom Ray reaches behind without even looking and slams the Port-A-Potty door into the face of John Doe, sending John Doe flying back onto the toilet and slamming shut. Ransom Ray grabs Mike Starr with his massive meat hooks and hoists him onto his shoulder. He spins around and launches Mike Starr like a lawn dart into the door of John Doe's Port-A-Potty. The Port-A-Potty topples over with Mike Starr on top of it.
John Doe: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Woodbridge: Looks like that Mexican Space Shuttle... (puts on sunglasses) ...failed to launch.
Ransom Ray bends over and picks up Kyle Scott by the hair and marches him across the pathway towards a "Knock Down the Milk Bottles](https://c2.staticflickr.com/6/5297/5523799205_be483a5bdf_z.jpg) carnival game. He latches onto the back of Kyle Scott's head and the back of his tights. He loses his grip for a moment from the butter and looks at it quizzically. Ray shakes his head in disappointment and takes a firmer grasp of Kyle Scott's tights before chucking him up and over the game counter. Scott flies into the milk bottles knocking all 3 of the stand and slamming into the back of the game booth, several stuffed animals fall of their hooks and fall on top of Kyle Scott. The Carnie just stands there, clueless to what the hell is going on.
Ransom Ray: What'd I win!?
Carnie: Uhhhh...
Carl Jones: SUPER SAIYAN!
CJ leaps onto the back of Ransom Ray and begins pounding away on the side of his head. Ray remains standing, spinning around trying to shake CJ off of him as The Carnie and several innocent families look on in abject terror. Ray starts back pedaling and flattens CJ between himself and the wall of a nearby ticket booth. CJ loses his grip and slides down Ray's back, falling on his ass. Ray turns around and faces his attacker, spitting in his face.
Ransom Ray: Chump.
Woodbridge: Looks like Ransom Ray is ready to take out all the Strays by his god damn self!
Ray grabs CJ by the scruff of the neck and leads him towards the dreaded "DRAGON'S FIRE!" roller coaster.
Paisner: Ransom Ray is going to throw CJ onto the tracks of the "Dragon's Fire!" I know he has one of those impressive old timey villain mustaches but this is ridiculous!
Ray leads CJ passed a Merry Go Round on his way to the "Dragon's Fire" that is rotating a lot faster than normal.
Children on Merry Go Round: WOOOOOO!! YAAAAAAY!! FASTER!!