22F. I feel so exhausted all the time- but my body doesn't feel tired, only my brain? For nearly all of every day, it feels like I can't hold a simple conversation or think seriously about things because I don't have the mental energy to do so. But it also doesn't feel like I'm going to fall asleep; if I try to nap, I can't. After work, I don't even feel like watching TV or doing anything. I joke around saying all I feel like doing is staring at the wall.
I've been trying so hard to fix this for years but nothing seems to help. Here's where I'm at:

• I did my own sleep "tests" to see if I was sleeping too much/too little - for extended periods I've tried sleeping 8 hours every night, <8 hours every night, and also going to bed early and not setting an alarm and just allowing myself to wake up naturally. When I don't set an alarm I sleep for ~10 hours. Regardless of how much I slept, I felt tired
  • I don't think I have sleep apnea? I don't snore
  • My sleep tracking devices say I'm getting enough deep and REM sleep
• I have a pretty well-rounded diet, lots of protein and I drink a good amount of water
• I have a latte probably 3-4 times a week. I don't drink it for the caffeine (don't ever feel it), I just like the taste
• I don't drink a ton of alcohol- 1-2 drinks/week max
• I'm not undeoverweight
• I spoke to my doctor about this and he sent me for a bunch of lab tests, which showed only that I was Vitamin D deficient. I've been taking supplements every day for 4 months and haven't seen any improvements
• No major stressors in my life
• I have a somewhat active 9-5 job. Some days I'm on the computer all day, other days I'm on my feet all day
• I graduated from college last spring; freshman and sophomore years I was fine, but junior year is when this started and I feel like it's been continuously getting worse since then
• I have some ongoing GI issues and saw a doctor about this- didn't show signs of lactose or gluten intolerance, also tried the FODMAP diet for 2 months and didn't see any improvement
• I go through phases where I either exercise 3-4 times a week or like once a week

Other maybe relevant details:

• I sleep talk and/or walk nearly every night and have since I was a kid. When my LDR partner visits, he tells me I sleepwalk nearly every night... (scary). I also have pretty frequent hallucinations (audio and visual) in my sleep multiple times a week
• I'm not depressed; I do have diagnosed anxiety, especially social anxiety, and ADHD. I am also like 99% sure I'm on the Autism spectrum too. I'm thinking this could be part of it?

This is seriously affecting my life - I feel like I'm not performing well at work and my LDR is also taking a hit because I'm often too tired to talk on the phone. Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate any suggestions or thoughts people have on this- even if you're not a doctor but are experiencing something similar!

For context: My GF (F17) and I (M17) both really like each other. Like a lot. It was my first time having a girlfriend, and I was her third boyfriend. She has mentioned that she would want to marry me, and I have seriously considered it too, even though I know logically I wouldn't. But anyways, we really like each other.
But, after only 1.5 months of talking to her and being together, her parents decided that she has to focus on school, because she has high ambitions for college, and they don't want her spending all her time with me and not focusing on her studies. They were also worried that, if I broke up, she would be depressed. She tells me how she cried for five months after her ex broke up with her, and I assume because of the same reason, because her parents wanted her to focus on studies, and he saw that and respected her parents decision. She agrees with her parents too, and , even though she doesn't think I would distract her from school, she has to do what her parents say.
We are now not together anymore. And it honestly really hurts every time I type that, or when I wrote it down in my journal, or when she said it to me on call. It really hurts. Like more than anything I can remember. When I asked if there's anything I could do she said no, her parents won't change their minds (at least for now), and she already tried to make some sort of bargain/agreement with her last boyfriend, like only talking to him one hour a day or less, only seeing him once a week, etc. She believes, and I am starting to believe, that it will never happen, and that we are done forever.
She and I still want to be close friends, but we won't be able to spend time alone together anymore, and it honestly really doesn't feel the same. It was my first girlfriend, and I only really went out with her like two times, I didn't get to do anything with her, and I'm really aching now. I feel empty inside. I don't know what to do, and I just want everything to stop feeling the way it does, and I want to go back to before I even met her and didn't know anything about relationships.
How do I get passed this? Is there a solution?

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that flood back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

Guys, I'm currently being treated by a neurologist on 20mg Vortioxetine a day for almost a year, getting near the end of treatment. I obviously stopped taking molly after the treatment, but here is my question.. What about after the treatment ends?
The treatment with Vortioxetine is basically to callibrate the receptors, preventing reuptake. That means not getting ultra happy or ultra sad. It's always a constant "okay feeling", you get sad, but don't dwell on it for too long. But after the treatment, taking MDMA, wouldn't that mean harm to the receptors even more? Or even getting worse than before in previous conditions? Has anyone taken MDMA after being treated with vortioxetine?
OBS: Didn't have any major condition before, just a self-controlled depression and some common cognitive issues, but vortioxetine did it's job greatly.
But I had never encountered any issues with taking MDMA a whole 2-years, not any major crash or anything like that. (It actually helped me, even when not taking for a long time).

First of all congrats to all 2024 graduates.
This is a long one so yea. My dad has always been a pretty much absent father. Especially financially, with my mom buying us everything we’ve needed , we being my sister and I. I have vivid memories of my dad calling and saying he’s come pick us up for us to spend time with him, only for him to arrive at 10 PM to give us a $10 bill and kiss good bye. we saw him occasionally. We’ve maybe been with a total of 10-20 times throughout the entirety our lives. But as we got older we realized that we weren’t a priority of his.
Right around when COVID hit though my dad began to come around a lot more. But not in the way u may be thinking. See my dad got into hard drugs, with his then gf. Lost my baby brother to CPS, and was basically homeless. So he invited himself to our home, sleeping in my moms car at night and sometimes my mom being the god send that she is was nice enough to let him come in and eat when it got colder out. This was the worst time of my life concerning my father . I saw him in a completely different light and thought very little of him. It just completely stunned me that the only way my dad would come to see his kids is if he had nowhere else to go. He , as most drug addicts was in and out of jail, until one time when he had to stay for a few months longer , and then spent a few months in a halfway house. All throughout this and before my mom never really spoke ill of my father , unless she was arguing with him about some bull shit he was doing while being a druggy and hanging around our house, like doing drugs in our basement. But she always encouraged or even forced us to communicate with him, and try to forgive/ build a relationship with him. Aswell as countless times of my mom helping this man. Giving him money, rides, clothes, and wtv else he asked for.
Well after my dad went to jail that last time and was in the halfway house, he came out a new man. He kicked his drug habit, got his CDL license and was doing great. My sister and I were very proud of him and wanted to give him another chance. We spent 4th of July with him, and hung out with him a couple more times just driving around in his car. And just in general we’re a little closer and more communicative.
Fast forward to the 2 main incidents that led to him not being invited to my graduation . So as I was heading over to a friends house one day my car cut out. My mom was at work with a client (she’s a hairdresser) so I naively thought I could call my dad. He showed up took a look under my hood and realized that id need to get it towed. So I took the initiative to start calling tow companies and try to find the cheapest one. I luckily manage to find a guy that would do it for only $65 . Which if you’re an adult you know how much of an insanely good deal that is. Whilst I’m calling tow companies my dad has spent this time complaining about my moms choice in cars , and basically blaming her for my car cutting out. And also trying to call his sister so he could borrow a tool she had to just hitch my car to her truck and tow it himself. He can’t get ahold of her so I bring up the $65 tow guy. This man starts complaining saying he can do it for free and just wait for his sister to pick it up. Anothe 30 minutes go by and nothing. So i call my mom, and ask her can she cashapp me. Of course she says yes. So I call the tow man myself to get my car towed. The entire time this man is complaining about paying $65 fucking dollars, complaining about my mom buying the car , and complaining saying I hope she doesn’t expect me to pay for this. Mind you he has a CDL license, so he’s making good money and can more then afford to pay it . He paid $30,000 for his car cash and was able to save this money up for it in only a few months, so u do that math for how much he makes. At first I was ignoring him letting him talk shit. But he just kept going on and on and on, and I finally snapped and told him to stop talking about my mom and began defending her. We got into a heated argument that ended with him saying don’t ask him for anything, and me assuring him that I won’t. I had started crying because of how frustrated I was at the situation . I was asking something so little of him and this is how he acted? And he made fun of that saying “I’m not going to cry about it either” this was the last straw and I vowed to never reach out to him again.
I kept that vow despite my moms continuous efforts to get me to talk to him/ unblock him/ forgive him , but I was done. My 18th birthday roles around a few months later. And I decided to be nice and invite him, my thought process was I’m going to college soon , and won’t see him for probably the 4 yrs that id be gone away to school. So why not just try. I didn’t ask this man for anything and just told him where the place of my party was. The time comes and my mom and I are a little late to my party about 10-15 minutes late to getting to the place. He begins texting me asking where we are , and I say we’re a few minutes late, but otw and just resend the address . He starts making excuses saying oh he has work he has to go and wtv else. I say ok that’s fine . He says oh I have a gift I wanted to give you. I say oh you could bring it later when ur off or we could meet somewhere for me to get it tmrw. The next day roles around and I ask him if he worked today and when I could meet him to get the gift. Then he starts talking bs saying, oh I already gave it to ur mom, with the child support card. I’m thinkin oh maybe he can put more money on it and did that for me , for my bday. But no he was referring to the money he is mandated to pay by the state , which he just began paying for the last year or he so he’d been driving trucks. So once I realized this I decided to tell him how bad of a father he was, and yes I did disrespect him and curse him out and I didn’t care. This was really the final straw and I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. And that I did. This is where he really fucked up though. He texted my mom saying to give me the childsupprt card for my bday. My mom uses the $400/ month he pays for our utilities and has them on autopay. And idrc what anyone thinks about that I think it’s a very appropriate use of it. Especially since she pays for wtv else we need and want with no complaints . So she tells him it’s sad that has nothing to give his daughter on her 18th birthday and not to text her phone with the bs telling her what to do with the money. Ig this upsets him because he brings up something’s of my moms past , during a time that was really hard for her. And that was it for my mom. She cut him off too, and though she has not hate for him, she says she’s done allowing people in her life that do nothing but take advantage of and disrespect her. I was relieved to finally have my mother stop pressuring me to spend time with my father, and happy to be done with the stress and pain that he usually causes when he’s around.
Fast forward to now , my Graduation was last week. I only had 8 tickets . And I had already decided to give tickets to my grandma , her 5 kids (my mom , aunts , and uncles) my sister and my favorite cousin. A few days before the graduation whilst at school, a teacher pulls me aside and asks me did Ik my dad tried to come up to my school to get a graduation ticket . I laughed this off. The day of my graduation comes and I find out he was at the place of the graduation trying to find me. I was relieved that we didn’t bump into one another because I truthfully don’t want to see him. But later I felt a little bad when thinking about how he tried to come to the school then still came to the graduation despite not being let in obviously for the lack of a ticket. I don’t know why but my mom is in the same boat feeling guilty that he wasn’t let in on such a big moment. And has began some of her old antics of saying oh can he come to ur graduation party (not the ceremony but a family celebration) my guilt however doesn’t extend this far, and I just can’t give this man yet another opportunity to disappoint me. So what do you think Reddit , am I the asshole?

Hi female 23 years old here! has anyone already had this kind of lump in the back of the throat behind the uvula? I had a tonsillectomy when I was a kid so I have no tonsils. I also have a sore throat and pain when I swallow!
I have a lot of other issues my doctor sent me to a rheumatologist because I have petechiae appearing anywhere on my body (under my eyes, in my mouth, back, arms, belly, legs…) as well as nausea sometimes vomiting and a lot of burping (feeling like air is blocked in my throat). Also I have some kind of hot flushes where I have the impression that my forehead, back and neck skin are burning and feel like I have fever but my temperature is normal (max 37,5°C)… I also am extremely tired, never feel rested and need to take a nap during the day even if I slept 10 hours. My doctor tested for vasculitis but it’s negative. I also had an endoscopy in my stomach everything is normal. I had anemia but got ferritin injection so now it should be normal but I have to go get it retested. If anyone has experienced something like this or if you have any idea of what it could be it would be great.

The whole thing is my fault. We had been together 5 years. I knew a year or year and a half ago that it wasn’t going to work out but I didn’t know how to do it. My hand was finally forced since we were going to move soon. I had actually agreed to the move until I realized she meant it to be permanent in that city. It shouldn’t have taken that to make it happen though. Hell I broke up with her roughly 3 years ago and she convinced me to stay and try to make it work. I should have stayed with my gut then. I was to weak.
I have hurt her so much. I’ve shattered her. Probably caused scars that will last into future relationships. All because I was to weak. Because I wanted to keep the peace. I blindsided her because I always said what she wanted to hear. To try and make her happy. To keep the peace so I could do what I wanted or not get in a fight. My weakness has caused her so much more unnecessary pain. Wasted so much of her time.
Why couldn’t I do it? I do love her but I think long term this wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t see us being married and living happily ever after. I couldn’t see raising kids with her. But I couldn’t tell her that. She’s a wonderful beautiful kind person. We have so many good memories but my last memory will be her tears and the pain in her voice. Because I was too weak. She could be healed and likely forgotten me by now.
She begged me not to do it, was willing to give up so much to stay together. I can’t take that though. I can’t take away everything she wants in life to be with me. I can’t hold that gun to her head that I may break up if she ever wants to move. I can’t hold her back.
I stand by the decision that breaking up is the right move but the pain on her face made me want to go back on it. She doesn’t deserve what I did to her.
We lived together, had a dog, furniture, a joint card. Now I’ve blown it all up because I knew when I started it that it wasn’t going to last. She kept saying it doesn’t make sense and how could it? How do my actions make any sense. The only thing that came of them is more pain than if I had been honest to start.
That’s all gone now. The dog is hers. The dog won’t understand why I’m not there anymore. Why I can’t play or cuddle.
She’s going to think it’s her fault when it’s all mine. There’s no way to convince her of that though.
My family and friends keep saying they’re sorry to me like how? After what I’ve done how?
I knelt my head to God tonight for the first time in awhile and didn’t even pray for me but just for her to find all the happiness she deserves.
I’m sitting in a gas station parking lot at 4am after losing $400 at the casino. I can’t sleep or distract myself anymore. I think this is the worst thing I’ve ever done which probably isn’t all that bad it’s not violent or anything.
Idk just needed to vent all that out. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just to be clear, I’m not suicidal and I have some place to go but I’m choosing to stay out to try and process.

Backstory I come from a 2 parent household with one older brother, and we had to travel for my grandmas funeral.
Everything was going well flew in the same day of the funeral so everything had a set schedule. My other grandma found out we were in town so my mom decided to have us all visit for 5 minutes despite having a set schedule. When we left my father mentioned how rude it was that we only stayed 5 minutes despite this already being established in the first place.
My older brother who loves drama decided to join in saying how rude she was to her mother despite doing nothing wrong. My mother than makes my father turn the car around to make us go back to visit her since my father and my brother were making her feel awful. She asks them if they want to go in and my father declines and so does my brother because he said that “he can’t go in because she has dark energy” despite him not being religious or spiritual in any sense. I decide to go in to make my mother feel better and they decide too as well since I decided to. We visit her for a little longer, and my brother than decides to talk about how my mothers “torturing him.” Happily she doesn’t speak good English and is hard of hearing so she doesn’t hear him.
We then go back in the car and my brother continues to instigate and it gets to a point where my dad gets irritated. He than asks my father to “hit him so he can end himself.” He’s not actually suicidal he just does this for attention. On the same trip he drops the bomb that he’s going to be moving back in, and I just don’t want my mother going through his bullshit, so am I the asshole for not standing up for her?

Yeah, I think I hate my husband. He just can be biggest jerk ever. So, we are planning a trip to the beach for my birthday (we do have an agreement that for our birthday we can ask anything and we will use our money to get it, I said since the beginning what I want is a trip) we are taking advantage of some flights he is getting for free because he is going to the same place for work. So, we booked our Airbnb tonight and I wanted to go eat to this restaurant for my birthday but he told me 2 weeks ago he will have to work on my birthday until 2-2:30pm. I said ok, it’s fine. Then today when I wanted to make the reservation for the restaurant I was thinking out loud and said “I wonder if it’s smart to make the reservation at the restaurant since you compromised to work on my birthday, I’m worried we will not make it on time”… dude got up and got so so mad and starting saying shit and walked away. I stayed there thinking what the heck? Then I got up and I asked him to take the trash out. He ignored me, I called him and asked him again to take the trash out he started saying stuff “why? How is that going to make anything difference on taking it tonight and tomorrow…” I said it was smelling funny and I didn’t want that smell in the house. I was about to take it but he came mad and took the trash out. Then came back inside and started acting upset and I got upset bc I was “what’s the problem?” I brushed my teeth and did all my night routine, dude got in bed and “went to sleep” and I asked him… “what are you so mad about?” He didn’t respond and I said so “you’re just gonna act like that?” “What did I do for you to be mad?” The argument started, he said I told him he “compromised to work on My birthday” bc I was mad, I was trying to make him feel bad, and I was upset about it. I wasn’t upset about it. I was just thinking out loud about the restaurant reservations, so I said, how was I mad when I said that you compromised to work on my birthday? He said then why would you say it? My response was im just thinking out loud, and then he said no you were not. You were saying it because you were mad about it … and we just kept arguing because I really didn’t understand why he is so mad about… Take into consideration that English is not my first language, and I am not from here, so he looked up on Google what compromise means and then he told me that compromise means you doing something that you don’t want to do, even though the understanding for me in my native language means that you agreed to work on that day or do something bc you’re being responsible. He always thinks the worse of me so I wasn’t impressed…and I am here still not understanding what I did wrong. He said that nothing is never enough for me, he started “crying” and mocking me saying “oh poor girl she is going to the beach for her birthday, poor her poor her” and I got very offended at the fact he was mocking me because I never said that going to the beach was not enough and I was not mad about him working but he just kept being upset about it and I was trying to understand and I asked him to explain how me telling him that I was worried about the restaurant and if I should make a reservation was bad. Anyways, he is a jerk. He is always a jerk and he always makes fun of me. He always uses adjectives about me. He told me many many times that he is done and he wants a divorce and I honestly don’t feel heard in this relationship, I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel happy and I am very very miserable. I cry a lot because I hate his jerk comments and I hate the way that he is sometimes, he can be very cocky, have smart ass comments about me and about what I do, he also makes fun of me and my accent in front of people, he also uses me like his little guinea pig to make jokes of me with his friends or with new people, and then he says he loves my culture, and he loves me. I’ve been thinking about divorcing him, I’ve been contemplating the idea on moving out and just going to live by myself, but I feel lonely and I feel scared because I’m alone in this country. I am not worried about being alone and being responsible for myself because believe it or not me as an immigrant make more money that he makes, I have two jobs, I am a very hard-working person, I am a good wife, I keep the house clean, do the laundry, make sure he always has food and I don’t do this because I think it’s my obligation as a woman but because I really care about him, so the fact that he just treated me the way that he does it just breaks my heart because I think i still love him. I am also embarrassed and scared of calling my family and my mother…Tell them all the truth because I always told them that he is a good man and he loves me very well, but they don’t know that he is an asshole a lot of times, and it’s funny that I heard from his high school friends that they told me many times “why did you marry him?” “ What did you see in him” they even told him “what did you do to get someone so good like her, what did you do to get so lucky” His friends like me, I have a great relationship with most of his friends. I am just now thinking he’s always being a jerk. He’s never going to change that’s just the way that he is. Do you guys have any advice? Should I leave him? I know I am not perfect, but he hates the fact that I want to cuddle, he hates the fact that I want to be Sweet, he hates the fact that I want to be cheesy, he is not at all detailist, he never gives me flowers, presents, surprises, anything that is cheesy for him is always a no-no, we don’t do anything that Married couples do, anniversaries,surprises, etc… I don’t think he loves me, even though he sometimes says he loves me, but he loves me only when I agree with everything that he says or has to do or don’t get close to Him, don’t ask him anything, don’t expect Anything… How do I get a divorce? how do I make sure that, I get all my money and everything that is mine like my car and he doesn’t take it away from me? I don’t want to Spend all my savings in lawyers. I hate being with him and hate his personality, I love how creative and smart he can be sometimes but I hate him as a person.

Hi, I’m new to this sub and I’m not sure if I chose the right flair, but I recently got a new kitten and I’m wondering if I should be worried based on how he’s acting.
I have a 2 year old cat named Obsidian(Sid) that I adopted from a friend almost a year ago (he wasn’t in a bad situation just not right for him, he did have all his shots and is fixed). He’s my best buddy and sleeps in my bed and snuggles with me all night. 3 days ago I brought home an 8 week old kitten Jasper but I couldn’t get him into a vet for his first round of shots until the end of the month. Because of this I am keeping them separate until Jaspers vet appointment. I have a little pet tent off amazon set up for Jasper in my living room with a small litter box, food and water, some blankets, and a couple small toys. He is only confined to the tent when both my roommate and I are at work (less than 4 hours at the most but typically only 30 minutes) and overnight while we sleep. We each play with him and snuggle up with him before we leave and after work until we go to bed. Whenever I put him in the tent he mews loudly for hours. Should I be worried about him? Or is this normal. (He was with his mom and siblings until I brought him home).
It breaks my heart to hear his little cries through the night, please help. 🙏

Just a quick warning I’m putting it all out here about our friendship, i just want to tell the truth.
I 19f had a messy relationship with my ex best friend who I’ll call Tina because she was tiny.
We met in our 7th grade math class after she was having a panic attack because of multiple things going on in her life. I comforted her and helped her escape a toxic friendship and introduced her to my group of friends. We called every night and gave each other ther the support we both needed as I was sheltered and new to everything and she was coming out of some serious mental tolls.
I was there for her even though she wasn’t always for me. I helped her through when her dad nearly died and his entire personality changed, when her mom became a single mother and Tina felt the need to step up as the other parent, and fully supported her in everything she did.
Everything was great until we hit high school. She demanded we talked everyday at school and at least an hour on the phone. I don’t mean to say she told me outright but she definitely forced my hand to keep the friendship. She would guilt trip me with fake panic attacks and swear I was being terrible to her. She also pretty much had to approve every friend I had not to mention boyfriends. The first two, granted, were asses to say the least. However, she’d look for reasons for me not to explore friendships outside of our little group.
I talked to several friends about how much this time affected my grades, love life, and other friendships and they all said the same thing, I went from cheerful and playful, to scared and there being no light in my eyes when Tina was around.
A couple years into high school I met my now boyfriend and we hit it off big time. She did everything to chase him away and even convinced me to break things off. Luckily he and I never grew apart and decided that we’d try again, but help make each other better and to keep a more open line of communication.
She tried to use the same tactic on my other friend from theater but didn’t succeed.
To add insult to injury, I wrote a children’s book and it went to a national competition and all she cared about is that she became a published author in a poetry book before I even started binding my book. I told her about my success in the hallway of a hotel while my club members celebrated all our national placements and all she had to say, “that’s cool but I won that poetry contest and I’m published now! I’m getting copies of the book on Saturday, aren’t you proud of me!”
When I confronted her about this, she said she was also proud of me but she felt I was being selfish. I won a trip to Florida and get to present the book I worked so hard on. But apparently, that’s not as important.
Now for the big conflict, in the summer of 2023, I left my parents house the night before my college orientation. I’ll do a separate story on that. The point is, I left.
She herself yes was there for me holding me as I cried about leaving my sister and helping me but what I need to couch surf for a while.
She had a plan, move me from the campus I was registered for to the one she was going to and have me split door-dash money with her and hopefully not have to live out of her car. She also wanted me to pull a hearty loan from the bank her mom worked for to pay for all this. I personally cannot do that as I’m in the middle of getting a name change and it was hard for me to even get a driving permit.
A couple months pass and the house I had stayed at for that time kicked me out. From the stress of college and getting a job I’ll admit, I wasn’t the nicest.
The day before I was told I needed to find another place to stay I got a call from Tina. She called me crying because she was worried I was going to commit suicide and I talked to her about my feelings and future. How I have so much left to do and see. Including marrying the man I love, my boyfriend. She cried about that and said I should have listened to her. I pretty much ignored it as we talked about it serval times.
I was served my eviction notice, apologized to my friends parents, and began packing my things. I get a FaceTime from her and I’m thinking that my best friend might have some words of comfort or something.
I answer the call and with my friend in the back, she starts in on me saying that no matter what, I never listen. I only don’t when it happens that I can’t or it goes against my wishes and boundaries I’ve set. She went on yelling after what seemed like hours as I zoned out and packed with shaky hands and blurry eyes. I couldn’t take it anymore so I hung up with saying, “we can talk about this when I’m sure where my next meal is coming from and I’m not scared I’ll be on the streets.”
From what my friend told me she blocked me immediately and never wanted to speak to me again. She’s blocked me everywhere even tiktok and it makes me feel bad.
It’s been months and I’ve been told that I’m not the a-hole however, I think I need an outside opinion.
AITA??

Hi everyone.
I love my new air 3. I like to use it to follow windsurfers, and I was hoping to use the Spotlight mode to handle the camera while I handled the navigation. When I tried this for the first time the other day, I found that my drone kept losing the subject. It seems that the moving water was 'distracting' the spotlight mode.
Are there any ways a spotlight target can make sure the attention is kept on them? Is there a 'beacon' of some kind they can carry? Have other people also had this problem with moving water?

Her side i didnt put enough effort in for middle of relationship, got lazy. Have since corrected and done my absolute best to repair. Obv didnt work, first she ended relationship and went out with a dude for a year while also living with me and doing stuff with me. My fault, got that. Now she is in school for xray tech and dosnt have any family to rely on. We got back togethet then she just ended it again. New dude in picture, prolly seen him for a month tops and have brought our son over 3 days in a row all day until 1030pm he is 5 to play woth this dudes kids. I got upset because today she had him all day with this person and when brought him back this person and his kid were in car. Now we arnt together but she knows me and that i still have feelings. So there is that plus introducing our kid so quick. Am i wrong here/controlling or what? I def have some issues so i cant always tell. I told her if he comes over the property line again im calling police and that i now havebproof of written notice.

Hi l'm 17F and my ex is 18M. We've been together for 3.2 years. He's been my home, my ears, my shoulder.. he broke up with me 4 days ago for idk what reason. I think he wants space, and that he is happier without me. I chased him for the past 4 days. I became suicidal and now I need to go to a psychiatrist as our guidance counselor said. Idk what to do without him. He's been there for me with whatever problem I have. The good times and the bad times. We're graduating high school now, he said before that we will be taking pictures after graduation and that we will be going on dates during the school break. When I acted crazy, my mom told me that he loves me and that he doesn't want me to see me like this. So I think that if I am okay already. If I take care of myself, maybe next month he will come back right? He's supposed to be my prom date on July : ( Although I tried the no contact rule, I keep failing to do so.. pls assure me :(( We were very happy eating outside before going home which was 30 mins before the break up. I really can’t do this. I feel lost and unalive. I love him so much with all my heart. I hope he comes back home to me soon..

So, my saga....I've been getting mysterious bites (on neck, upper chest, face, hands, and forearms- skin that is exposed when I sleep) since beginning of April. It started with getting a ton of bites one day all of a sudden, and then 1-5 a day thereafter. I've seen some blood on my pillow and sheets as well. Also while sitting on my couch one night, the part of my arm that touched the couch suddenly started burning and then broke out in red welts. I've inspected the everloving crap out of my bed, nightstand, dresser, everywhere the shits could be. Although I can't really inspect inside my couch. If they're in there I'll never find them. Nothing conclusive. I did find a blood smear inside my mattress, so that's concerning, but the PCOs said that's not bed bug related. What the hell else would leave blood smears INSIDE A MATTRESS?? I've had one inspection by apartment maintenance who quickly shined a flashlight around the bed and said there was nothing. Then a professional a month later who said I definitely have a light infestation (although he found no proof and was going on my evidence) and recommended treatment. Then the PCO who came in to do the treatment searched again and found nothing, but agreed to treat anyway, just once, but I will have to have an actual bug or hard proof for him to come back. So, I've been treated once. Not seeing any bugs, dead or alive, or shed skins. And I know that can sometimes take months to find. And now I have to just live with this anxiety possibly for months. Thinking about getting a dog to come in and sniff, but I wonder if that would even be enough proof for another treatment. Oh, also, they could be coming in through the walls which is why I can't find a harborage, but I don't know if the adjacent units have even been inspected. I would honestly just throw out everything and move if I wasn't unemployed at the moment. And this has halted my job hunt for now too, so I may lose it all anyway.

Hey everyone! Got a couple of knives tonight for yall's consideration.
TS
https://imgur.com/a/JJK2vPV
Spyderco Yojumbo M4 Natural G10 [SOLD]
https://imgur.com/a/YAxkgNT
This one was a catch and release for me. Picked it up from Blade HQ a few days ago. It's a great example of a yojumbo, centering and action is perfect. I've kept it well oiled as well to make sure there's no rust. Never carried and has cut some paper to test the edge. SV $165 [SOLD]
ESSEE Sencillo Magnacut [SOLD]
https://imgur.com/a/kdAetcy
Got this a few months ago, original owner. This is a "First Production Run" of this knife, and is stamped on the blade as such. I carried it for a day and cut some paper to test the edge, but it's been sitting since. I can't find any flaws on this knife or sheath, the edge did need a stropping when I first picked it up, but it slices beautifully now. Comes with original box and packaging. SV $170 SOLD $155
SOG Kiku XR LTE [SOLD]
https://imgur.com/a/JILZAmH
Another catch and release for me. Awesome knife though, and the carbon fiber liners are purrrdy! It just doesn't get any pocket time from me at all. Original owner for this one as well, steel is CTS XHP. Never carried, but i did cut a cardboard box with it. Only signs of wear I see are 2 little snail trails on clip side of blade. Made sure to get a good pic of them, but they are only noticeable in the right light. SV $80 SOLD $75
Now that I'm finally at 25 swaps (yay!) I can do PayPal FF, Venmo, or Zelle. I can take an extra $5 off if we use zelle. All knives come with original box and packaging. I can ship out on Monday, USPS.
THANKS FOR LOOKING, EVERYONE!

The View from Oregon – 289
Re: Scientia sub specie illuminatatis
Friday 17 May 2024
Dear Friends,
In the past several newsletters I have discussed the lack of a science of science, and some of the ramifications of this absence. Another consequence of the absence of a science of science is the selective way in which science develops, and this in turn leads to Danilevsky’s philosophy of science, which acknowledges that science can be different in different social milieux. In other words, science is relative to the scientific community that practices science. Kuhn comes to an analogous conclusion, though for Kuhn it is the diachronic relativity of science that emerges from a history of scientific revolutions triggered by model crises and paradigm shifts. Kuhn’s work continues to be debated, are there are significant differences of interpretation that keep alive the controversy as to whether paradigm shifts are rational or irrational. (Why not both by turns?)
Danilevsky presents us with the prospect of the synchronic relativity of science, in which paradigms differ not down through historical time, but across ethnic communities. This strikes at the heart of Enlightenment universalism, but, as I have tried to argue in these newsletters, Enlightenment ideology is not intrinsically scientific, but for a time Enlightenment thinkers made common cause with the sciences as a way both to advance their interests and to fight the common enemy of traditionalism. But scientists themselves have so completely internalized Enlightenment ideology that, even if the Enlightenment can abandon science, scientists cannot abandon the Enlightenment. That science is the same, that it must be the same, for all who practice it, seems to be an unspoken presupposition of science practised sub specie illuminatatis.
I don’t know of any analytical philosophers who have taken up Danilevsky’s argument, even if only to refute it. Nor do I know of any analogous arguments, though my knowledge of contemporary philosophy of science is far from exhaustive. The closest we come to Danilevsky in the mainstream of Anglo-American analytical philosophy of science is the debate over Kuhn’s philosophy of science, which evades some of the most troubling aspects of Danilevsky’s account. But in the absence of a science of science, we cannot definitively exclude Danilevsky’s account, just as we cannot exclude the role of personalities in the development of science (the focus of last week’s newsletter), nor can we exclude the possibility of alternative sciences that explain as much of the world as our familiar sciences, but which are largely disjoint from the familiar sciences. This latter possibility is related as an anecdote in Eugene Wigner’s “The Unreasonable Effectiveness of Mathematics in the Natural Sciences,” which I have quoted many times (though, strangely, apparently not in these newsletters, as I searched back several years just now and didn’t find this quoted, though I could have sworn that I have referenced this so many times my readers may be tired to hearing of it).
Another problem potentially soluble by a science of science: every special science undergoes its own crisis in its turn as it is forced to recognize that it cannot define either the object of its research or the fundamental theoretical terms it employs. There was the crisis in the foundations of mathematics, the crisis in physics, the crisis in psychology, the replication crisis (which falls hardest on social psychology, but which leaves few disciplines unscathed), the crisis in cosmology, and no doubt further crises yet to come. Some of these crises resemble each other, suggesting analogous structural problems within the sciences, while other crises seem to be highly specific to a particular subject matter (as with the crisis in cosmology generated by diverging measures of the Hubble constant). Further research into crises may reveal a deeper commonality, or may reveal each crisis to uniquely supervene on the objects of knowledge distinctive to each science.
The above assumes that a science of science would foreclose upon these troubling scenarios we would prefer not to contemplate. I think we can safely say that we have excluded some unwelcome scenarios for science, and this implies some rudimentary foundations of a science of science, and I think that if the project of a science of science ever came about, i.e., if it ever became a scientific research program on its own—or perhaps a meta-scientific research program—it would gradually foreclose upon the paradoxes of science, excluding them one by one, first taking care of the relatively simple problems, and then moving on to the more difficult ones. We don’t yet even know what the hardest problems are, or what they will be, when we earnestly turn toward formulating a science of science. It is all terra incognita to us.
In the absence of a science of science, however, we do have something to go on, and that is the record of the most successful special sciences, which, through their utility and fruitfulness, have provided a model for the other sciences to follow. And follow they do. A successful scientific discipline spurs imitation in the other special sciences, with the methods and the research program and theoretical structures copied. Science, then, has recourse to analogy. Later sciences are constructed along the lines of earlier successful sciences, and with good reason. The successful sciences have resolved many or most of their problems, and their methods have proved to be a successful way to derive knowledge from the empirical world.
But analogy itself is a theoretical problem. It has no standing as a formal principle of reasoning, and empirically it forces us into the kind of metaphysical speculation that most scientists hate—reflections on the uniformity of nature and such like. If nature is uniform, then a scientific methodology for the investigation of nature can be uniform, and we can know that it is (or will be) as effective in one region of experience as in another region of experience. Proof of this, however, is a metaphysical proof, and not anything scientific in the usual sense.
I should not belabor this idea of the absence of a science of science without acknowledging that it was, of course, the traditional idea that philosophy was the science of science, or, more narrowly, philosophical logic as it was elaborated prior to the mathematization of logic, that was understood to be the science of science, or, as it was also commonly known, the theory of science. Many logical works were called the theory of science, as, for example, Bernard Bolzano’s four volume Theory of Science—Wissenschaftslehre—which was completed in 1837, but the first complete English translation of which did not appear until 2014. In the meantime, between 1837 and 2014, logic, philosophy, and science all underwent rapid growth, and even, we could say, directional growth, that took them in a developmental direction of elaboration that was not anticipated prior to this time.
We can imagine a counterfactual history of logic (and of science) in which logic developed linearly, and did not experience a sudden growth along with a sudden realignment, gradually converging upon the ideal of a theory of science imagined by logicians like Bolzano. While mathematical logic transformed both logic and mathematics both, what was lost in the elaboration of mathematical logic was its connection to this traditional function of logic as the science of science. Moreover, the internal integration of logic was lost, though, it must be observed, other forms of integration appeared as logic was reconstructed analogously to mathematics.
Lately I have been thinking how, with the advent of mathematical logic and analytical philosophy, theory of meaning and theory of reference bifurcated, and with this bifurcation the inverse relationship between the two, explicitly recognized in traditional logic, was lost. Traditional logic asserts that as intension expands, extension narrows, and as extension expands, intension narrows. Intuitively it is easy to see that this is the case: a highly definite meaning applies only to a very few referents, while a generic meaning applies to a great many more referents. But with the development of mathematical logic and analytical philosophy, the theory of meaning and the theory of reference developed in different directions.
What happened? The whole of Western civilization was redirected and realigned by the industrial revolution. Some years ago I wrote about how the industrial revolution essentially hijacked other developments that were already taking place, and which therefore did not have the opportunity to come to a natural fruition because industrial change was so rapid and so catastrophic. I called this the preemption hypothesis (and gave it a further application in Late-Adopter Spacefaring Civilization: The Preemption that Didn’t Happen). We can understand preemption as a more generic historical process in which one historical process that is aggressively expansive overtakes another historical process that is slower and more gradual. An invasive weedy species of cognition expands universally and crowds out endemic species of cognition, driving them to extinction, and leaving us with a philosophical monoculture and its attendant disadvantages.
The kind of industrial civilization we might have gotten had the industrial revolution been an industrial evolution instead of a revolution, unfolding over millennia, as it is likely that the development of agriculture developed, would have been dramatically different. And the industrial revolution spawned revolutions in every adjacent sphere of life and thought. The preemption that was the industrial revolution can also be seen at work in intellectual history, and even in aesthetic and spiritual history. Science and philosophy began to transform early, more or less defining by themselves the advent of modernity when science and philosophy were modern but economics and industry were not. However, with the industrial revolution, science and philosophy were given a new and more violent spur to further growth and realignment.
These redirections and realignments of science, philosophy, and logic are vivid illustrations of the kind of selective development of science that Danilevsky imagined, though he thought of these selective developments in terms of their being embedded in cultural-historical traditions. Western science was embedded in the Western cultural-historical tradition (though Danilevsky called this the Romano-Germanic cultural-historical type), and when this tradition changed due to the industrial revolution, the science (and philosophy and logic) changed along with the tradition. Had the change been given an impetus in a different direction, or had the change not happened at all, science and its adjacent intellectual activities would look rather different today. I will not deny that change would have been much slower, but qualitatively different change might have had unprecedented impacts on history. Obviously, in the present context, what I am thinking of is a tradition like the logic of Bolzano being developed gradually, perhaps over hundreds of years, until it becomes the genuine science of science the want of which we feel at present.
It is ironically reflexive that we cannot exclude the possibility of a counterfactual science, based on a counterfactual logical tradition that grew into a mature theory of science, precisely because we lack this same theory of science. We also cannot prove that our rapid progress in science since the industrial revolution might stagnate for want of a proper theory of science, and due to the cognitive monoculture favored by rapid progress, nor that a counterfactual science, based on a counterfactual logic, might ultimately overtake and outstrip the rapid progress of science after an industrial revolution. It may be the case that, when a civilization experiences a rapid and violent industrial revolution, the accelerated rate of change cripples the other institutions of that civilization, and inevitably leads to both industrial and scientific progress eventually grinding to a halt, because the rate of progress was unsustainable. We could call the two implied scenarios of scientific and industrial development the tortoise scenario and the hare scenario, where slow and steady wins the race.
Best wishes,
Nick
PS—Last Wednesday I hiked up Dog Mountain again (previously in a PS to newsletter 239 I mentioned hiking Dog Mountain on 31 May 2023, almost exactly a year ago). This time I didn’t go all the way to the top, but I went as far as the Dog Mountain Lookout, which is a viewpoint over the Columbia Gorge just short of the top. Spring is one of the best times to do the Dog Mountain walk because of all the wildflowers.
PPS— The new number of Isonomia Quarterly, Volume 2 Issue 2, is now available, which includes a new essay by me, “The Coming Coeval Age” (a PDF version is also available). I plan to also record a video about this for my Today in Philosophy of History series. As with my recent big history paper, “A Complexity Ladder for Big History,” this essay for the Isonomia Quarterly isn’t specifically about philosophy of history, but it does have some interesting implications for history that I will explore and elaborate.
PPPS—I have finished listening to the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. This is a classic I have skimmed many times but have not previously read through word-for-word. It always feels good to have the experience of the whole of a classic to better understand the references generated by said classic. Often we think of stoics as being distant and even possessed of an inhuman degree of self-control, but I was surprised by the repeated references to sociability in the Meditations. There is a pervasive sense in Marcus Aurelius of going along to get along.
Immediately upon finishing the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius I started listening to How to Think Like a Roman Emperor: The Stoic Philosophy of Marcus Aurelius by Donald J. Robertson. This is not exactly a commentary on the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, but a kind of exposition, both filling in the backstory to the life of Marcus Aurelius, as well as the life of the author, and showing the relevance of Stoic philosophy in the present. This book is about twice as long as the Meditations themselves.

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5 police reports and 55 complaints later I'm still having to deal with my loud, rude, bullying, harassing and selfish neighbor. They sleep all day and they're up all night. Tonight, they're blasting music. Other times, they're throwing bowling balls it sounds like or, their kids are wrestling, crashing up against the walls, fighting. This goes on for hours, well into the am. I have made complaint, after complaint after complaint and all it has done was make things worse. I have called the police that made it worse. I tried talking to them, reason with them, that got ignored. They know what they're doing, they just don't care. My kids and I are up because of them. It seems there's no repercussions for the foolishness around here. We have had to adjust our schedules, lose sleep schedules, as well as sleep since we moved in in November. I'm averaging 3 hours of sleep a night. My kids maybe get 5 tops. This is ridiculous. I have tried everything under the sun besides taking them to court, but that's probably not going to do anything either.

Upped my dose from 100mg, which I’ve been on for five years, 10 if you count the total amount from when I was younger, to 150mg after some new stressors came into my life triggering my OCD and anxiety. Immediately around an hour after taking the increased dose I started to feel better. I’ve felt a whole lot better the last few days but I have spurts of anxiety that last about 10-20 seconds then go back down, it’s like I can just deal with it better. I know it take several weeks to get the full effects, but I’ve come back here to see if anyone has experience with the higher dosages. I know OCD needs higher dosages to treat it.

I am a first time mom with a 6 week old baby who is exclusively breastfeeding. My husband and I are immigrants, so we don't have any family support in the country we are currently residing in, so when we found out I was pregnant, I asked my mum if she would be able to come help us with the house and baby for a couple months. She agreed and she is now currently staying with us until the end of June to help out.
Since the arrival of our little girl, I have been trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Every day seems like a struggle that I don't even know where to begin articulating my thoughts.
I am currently struggling with mastitis and vasospasms. It hurts so much to breastfeed, and it really doesn't help that baby's latch is not the best. We always try to get a good initial latch, then she starts wiggling and turning her head from side to side, pulling my nipples and sliding off the big mouthful of breast. And when I try to break off the latch and relatch her, she screams and cries. Honestly, breastfeeding has taken a lot of my emotional and physical toll and constantly feel like I am a terrible mother because I can't seem to figure out breastfeeding.
At the peak of my mastitis, I was crying every time she would latch on. My husband and mum doesn't seem to understand the pain that I am in. My husband would be dismissive about the pain - at one of my crying/nursing sessions, he made the comment "how can this be more painful than childbirth? surely if you could go through pushing her out, this can't be as painful". My mum isn't much help with this either. She would constantly give me unsolicited advice that is counterproductive of actually helping my mastitis. She would tell me to "keep pumping until the mastitis clogs come out" and "stop nursing on that side if it hurts so much". I know that she has good intentions because she doesn't want to see me in pain, but after telling her time and time again that her advice is unwanted and unhelpful, she continues to make little remarks like this that I would just hide away in a room to nurse baby so no one could make comments about my pain or crying. This has left me feeling lonely and misunderstood.
It also doesn't help that my husband and mum don't get along very well. I am not expecting them to be the best of friends or anything like that, but I honestly thought the two of them would at least empathize and keep it together instead of putting me in the middle of all the time. My husband thinks that my mum is constantly obsessing over baby - she would run to our room every time she hears her cry and hold her and soothe her until baby is asleep. She is always holding her and very hesitant to pass her to my husband because she thinks that he isn't doing the "right things" to help soothe baby. When I confront my mum about this, she goes on about how my husband is doing things wrong when soothing the baby and how he doesn't know how to take care of baby properly.
The two of them even butt heads at things completely unrelated about baby - one perfect example is cooking dinner. My husband eats a lot as he doesn't eat much during work, so when he comes home from work, he would eat a massive dinner and then some. My mum would help us cook dinner as I am usually nursing or having a nap when she's cooking. My husband would say that she's not cooking enough or she doesn't know how to cook for a family (she's been a single mom since I was around 5 years old). When I pass this comment on to my mum, she would then say that if she cooked too much, food would go to waste if we didn't finish it all and she also said that she could see in my husband's face that he didn't like her cooking so she's not very motivated to cook for us anymore. So now I am put in a position where I have to cut down on my nap and cook for the family right after nursing baby. This leaves me extra tired in during the night feeds, and I would find myself sleeping in during the day - which then pisses my husband off because I am not awake to eat breakfast with him in the morning. When I explain to him that I'm tired because I don't get to nap as much during the day as I am now cooking dinner for the family, he retaliated by saying "isn't this why your mum is here? to help us with things like this?"
The cherry on top of this disaster sundae is that when baby is inconsolably crying, both my mum and husband would immediately turn to me and ask "what's wrong with her? why is she crying?" like I'm supposed to be some magical baby translator. This question really pisses me off. Why can't they try and figure out why she's crying themselves? And almost 90% of the time both my husband and mum would put the baby in my arms and tell me she's hungry when she literally just had a big feed. No. She's not hungry, she's tired. And the both of you have kept her up for too long and she's now cranky. She'll suckle on my painful, sore nipples for comfort and then fall asleep.
I honestly don't even know how to continue like this. I have tried talking to both my husband and mum but they seem to be very set in their own ways. My husband refuses to talk it out with my mum as he thinks he might lose his temper, and my mum is too passive and a pushover to actually say anything to him.
I am at my wit's end. Please help me navigate this.