Trick or treating 2010 austintown,

Sometimes I wish my parents weren't Foreign service.
I've been a foreign service kid for the entirely of my life, I've lived in 3+ countries, seen and experienced things that very little have a chance to. Every day was literally a new experience, I'd eat pasta at a friend's house that was cooked by an ambassador of a country. Id go on a safari. I have seen shanty towns and the poverty of slums. I experienced cultures and had friends from every lifestyle imaginable.
But I'm just lonely.
My parents love me, and I love them, and I thank them every day for the life they have given me.
But I never managed to keep any friends. All my friends I'd make were children like me, move around a lot, we all knew how to make friends fast, but because of that I never knew how to keep them. Always in with the new and out with the old.
I'm back in the states now for college, I never had a highschool sweetheart, there was no point. never stood for the pledge of allegiance, never went trick or treating. I always lived in a compound, couldn't ride my bike to a friend's house or go to the movies. I'd watch movies and shows and always feel jealous of the kids and their freedom of the little things like buying a candy bar at Walmart.
I hate it when people tell me I'm not an American because I did not grow up in the states. I wish I didn't have abused children on a fking leash, knocking on the backseat window begging for food while I sit there at 7 years old wondering why I get to have so much and they so little.
I love my parents, they are the most compassionate people I know they work so hard and are sacrificing so much for me, I hate feeling jealous and feel pathetic. I don't really wish for things to change, these experiences made me who I am, I just sometimes wish my parents weren't foreign service
Sorry for the rant, there was literally no where else to post this. If you have any questions shoot, I'll try to answer them.
Thank you for reading.

Hey,
So I just want some unbiased feedback from people regarding if my cousins were abused growing up. They both would insist they weren't, but the older one (27F same age as me) is currently in rehab for alcohol abuse after her 3rd DUI after moving across the country to California by herself. She's made a LOT of bad decisions over the years but she used to be my best friend when we were younger... I know she's suffered from ana/bul for a long time and had a miscarriage when we were 13. She has openly had issues with her dad (my uncle) since we were teens, but has verbalized for the last few years on and off that "nobody cares about her" and "her family treats her like shit"...
My younger cousin (24M) I currently live with and love to absolute pieces but he's also been through a lot. His parents kicked him out during covid at the age of 20 with no job because they were moving almost 2 hours away and wanted to live child free. I've expressed many a time how shocking this was to my cousin when he told me about it and it severely changed my overall outlook on my aunt and uncle. He couch surfed for years off and on until I was able to get him a job working with me and he was able to move in with me and my best friend. We've lived together for over a year now and things were overall happy but recently he's been dealing with a lot again. My best friend and my cousin are both queer and a messed up situation occurred on the Grindr app between the two of them, but long story short my best friend ended up coordinating a voyeur event involving my cousin.
This has caused shock waves throughout the house obviously and my cousin has every right to be extremely upset. After a lot of confusion, some things were cleared up from the extra person that was involved with this and it was proven that my best friend did not touch my cousin. This does NOT change the fact that the entire situation was effed up and orchestrated, but I do believe with intense therapy for both of them that something can be worked out...
However, I also do not believe that with all of the stuff going on with my cousin that he had any right to lash out at me in the car for explaining how I feel like our coworkers are harassing me at work. For context, my cousin is into edgelord dumb alt right style comedy and likes to make transphobic, homophobic, racist, etc jokes at work sometimes. The trade field I am in is almost all men, and I am one of two women in our whole shop. There were more before, but after the last one quit for a different job, all these jokes have just gotten SO much worse. I constantly feel like I am getting egged on for my reaction, one example was last week i was told I should "get stung by a bee for the experience" after talking about how my grandma was deathly allergic. This kind of things been happening almost weekly since January and I vented to my cousin in the car ride home (I give him car rides almost every work day) and he just absolutely blew up on me.
He screamed about how I need to "Get the eff over it", how he has to tell me like it is because when I get upset it ruins the whole vibe for him and he just wants to have fun at work. I told him that edgy jokes are fun when theyre NOT pointed directly at someone and he just wouldnt put himself into my shoes and continually told me to get thicker skin. There was a lot more that was said but long story short, he basically cannot accept that he could be wrong in this situation and even if it was all jokes, if it hurts someone its not worth making them.
I know that's how he was raised, his dad specifically gives no effs about equality, "woke culture", etc and they've always been VERY well off their whole lives so my cousins feel that anybody who has trauma or gets upset about "little things" need to suck it up because that's what their parents told them. My uncle still calls depression "the dark place" I do know that he's currently in therapy but I fear that the damage to his kids is too far gone. My dad (my uncle's brother) died in 2010, and my mom is a single mom whos been working at a grocery store for 41 years but can still find time to love and empathize with her child. She was also very upset to hear that my cousin was kicked out during covid and she bought him a queen size mattress to sleep on while he stayed at her house with my sister for a few months before moving in with me.
I just want to know the best way to move forward with my cousins. The older one in California I fear is a lost cause, she's been told to move back home so many times and she just wont... The cousin that I live with didn't come home last night after our blow up because I texted him setting my boundaries going forward (not allowed to use my coffee and no more rides to work) and texted back shooting off things to hit below the belt (like my weight, how I am "rotting" because I dont go out and see friends every night like he does, etc.) I want to be there for him because of all the things he is going through but I also need to protect my peace.
Thoughts?

TW: reference to mild ED
We broke up!!
I decided to do it over text. I didn't think there was a real risk of her tricking or attacking me, but I've been trusting her too much for years, so I thought it was better to be cautious. Plus, I was kind of excited to do this and not have to attend to her anymore - which is probably a sign I should have done this way sooner.
This was confirmed when I told my work crew and they bought a six pack to celebrate.
I'm going to go to a few sessions of church counseling just to make sure it didn't kick anything up in regards to my eating disorder. (Which is not, I promise, erectile dysfunction.) But I actually felt much more happy with my looks and weight basically the moment I broke things off!
And while I don't plan to date for a short bit, to make sure I'm not in a weird defensive headspace when I start courting someone, people've flirted with me a few times since we broke up. So apparently I don't look hideous! 😎
I've dumped her stuff at her mother's, along with a thank you note for the reunion. Her mother is a lovely woman and I'm glad she has two other (great) daughters because her third is certainly unique. My girlfriend is still texting me and is apparently getting an earful from her mother before she'll let her take her stuff.
I'm still not entirely sure it was right to break up with her and screw with her like that, but I'm definitely sure it was right to break up. One of us definitely deserved better. (And I'm pretty sure it was me. 😅) A serious piece of advice - always check if you want to be in a relationship, or if you're sticking it out because you feel like a knight that's already pledged her fealty to a fool and is waiting for them to wise up or the contract to end. 'Duty' can be just as strong a motivator as 'love', and both are vital, but they aren't interchangeable.
For those who were concerned about my health; thank you, and luckily, due to the motivations behind it, I'm very unlikely to suffer from it again. (Unless someone I respect starts hassling me about my weight again, but I don't plan on letting that happen.) I was a little prone to fever for a while but it never got to the point of long-term damage to bone/organs.
Sort of a rambling and plain update, so here's a fun event: Marshall, our best breeding bull, got a tire stuck on his horns today. We spent half an hour riding him down and getting it off - and he promptly stuck it back on. The boy has interesting tastes in haberdashery.
Thanks so much to everyone who gave me advice or warned me to have, especially the ones speaking from personal experience or asking me if I would want my friends/family treated like this. MASSIVE shout-out to those who asked about what I would think of my friends, family, or God forbid kids being treated like this. Have a great night y'all!

I've been reading OI for some years now, I don't often get into discussions, but I found this sub and I wanted to talk about a trope that has been bothering me for a long time: superficial FL and ML who are nothingburgers.
It's been increasingly common to find stories where FL are so obsessed with handsome men or pretty faces that they'll let anything slide as long as the ML looks handsome. And his beauty is brought up over and over and over again to the point that they just feel like trophies for the FL to collect, not actual characters. They feel hollow.
Now, I don't mean to sound sanctimonious and act like good looks don't matter. I appreciate a handsome man with washboard abs just like the next reader, but it just makes me uncomfortable when the focus on their beauty gets so excessive that their entire character revolves around the fact that they are beautiful. And anything bad gets forgiven as long as they use their beauty to sway the FL, who gives in within a milisecond because apparently, beauty excuses everything.
Most recent example I found was Aaron, from Second Life of a Trash Princess (or She's the Sister of a Maniac). Dude could be replaced with a monkey suffering from brain damage and nothing would change. He's dumb, he's dense, he even hinders the FL at one point because he, also, is aware of his good looks, and it doesn't feel like he's anything but walking fanservice, not a potential love interest or even a character of his own.
I think I saw another manga where the FL was tricked into marrying the ML, but still flirts with her own handsome male employees and catcalls them like a pervert. And they're visibly uncomfortable around her. Instantly dropped.
My question here is: where does this obsession with beauty comes from? Why is it treated like a pass for every single morally dubious act? Why is it portrayed like a good thing for the FL to be this superficial and shallow? To be honest, whenever I find an FL who's obsessed with pretty faces I instantly drop it. It doesn't feel like she actually cares about the ML or that the romance is truly born from feelings of admiration, or that she appreciates who he is (in the case that he actually has a personality, of course). It's just... his face. That's all.
I dunno if I'm being too uptight or if this is a common complaint, but it's been something that has been bothering me for a long time. I don't interact much with other readers, so I wanted to know if there was a general opinion on this? What are your thoughts?

You guys know what an alpine coaster is? They are like a small roller coaster you find in the mountains. They are also called summer toboggans or mountain coasters and I think there’s some long German compound word they are called in parts of Europe. They are like a roller coaster, but with much smaller one or two person sleds you just sit on instead of multi-person cars you ride in, and instead of being built with like a scaffolding or a framework the tracks are just on the ground, using the elevation of the mountain. Basically it’s a coaster track on the side of a mountain where you ride a sled down.
They are pretty fun. Or at least I used to think so. They are more “personal” than roller coasters and although you get nowhere near the speed on them that you do on a good traditional roller coaster and they can’t do corkscrews or loops or anything like that the openness and simplicity of the ride gives an impression of a much greater speed. You’re just sitting there with nothing but a little plastic sled and the track between you and the ground as it goes zooming by. It’s like the difference between how fast a go-cart feels compared to how fast a sports car feels. You know the sports car goes faster but the open, simpleness of a go-cart feels a different kind of fast. There’s plenty of POV Youtube videos if you want to get the basic idea of what they are.
I used to love alpine coasters. Used to.
My family used to go to Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and up and down the Smokey Mountains for vacations when I was a kid and they are common in that area and I’d always rode them every chance I got.
But as with so many things after I grew up and went to college they just became part of my childhood that slipped away. They aren’t exactly common once you get away from the mountains.
Until one cool spring afternoon in 2004. I was in my final year at college and I was driving back to campus in Tennessee after a short visit to my folks in North Carolina. It was only like a 4 or 5 hour drive via the most efficient route and I had no need to be back at campus early so instead of taking the freeway all the way I got off and took part of my trip through the mountains. The scenery was nicer and I admit I liked pushing my Camaro just a little faster than I should through the twisty mountain roads.
Just after lunchtime happened upon one of those little by-the-highway tourist towns deep somewhere in the Smoky Mountains near the Carolina/Tennessee border. Nothing fancy, a gas station/truck stop, a diner, a couple of places selling tourist merch nestled deep in the mountains. I pulled into the gas station. My tank was getting low and I needed to stretch my legs, maybe grab something to eat. It was still early and I only had another couple of hours. I could kill an hour or so and still make it back to campus at a decent hour.
I pulled into the gas station and was filling my tank when I happened to glance across the road and… well I’ll be damned. There it was. “The Blue Ridge Alpine Coaster.” Nestled on the side of the mountain was a building, a mockup of a red barn, where a single railed track that led up into the mountains, where it soon got lost in the greenery. Wooden hand painted standees of cartoon character bears dressed in stereotypical “Hillbilly” getup stood around, some of them holding signs showing the ride hours and ticket costs and other info. I had to admit, as silly as it was, it made me smile.I finished pumping my gas and, well, nostalgia is a helluva thing. I decided then and there I could waste a little time riding an Alpine Coaster again after all these years before getting back on the road.
I parked my car in a corner of the truck stop's parking lot, put my phone in the center console, this being the days before smart phones when people didn’t keep their phones with them 24/7 and I didn’t want my old Nokia brick phone to fall out during the ride, locked my car and walked across the mountain highway to the Alpine Coaster building.
Getting closer, the place was less inviting. The half hearted attempt at a whimsical faux-Americana kitsch was far less effective when it brushed up against the actual decaying, run down wooden building. Hell calling it a building was generous. It was a wood frame holding up a long roof that covered the area where you got on the sleds. The wood boards creaked under my footsteps.
The only real enclosed structure was a shack that held, what I assumed, was a ticket booth. A door on the side had both a single occupancy bathroom with an out of order sign on it. An old Pepsi machine buzzed and glowed next to it.
Still the place looked alive. Ahead of me a bored looking attendant was helping a mother and her young son into one of the sleds while in a bored monotone repeating the safety brief. A few people were waiting in line at the ticket booth. Up in the mountains the playful shouts of people on the ride echoed down. Fond memories of my own childhood rides flooded my mind.10 minutes and 15 dollars later I was settling into the hard plastic seat of a bright red sled sat atop a simple aluminum rail.
I couldn’t help but grin as the sled slowly climbed the track up the mountains, making click-clack ratcheting sounds that hit my nostalgia centers hard. I felt good. The air was cool and crisp and smelled of pine.Higher and higher in the mountains we went. I don’t know if this is my mind trying to make sense of it after the fact but when I remember these moments, the last good moments, I sometimes think I remember a very slight, very subtle pit of fear in my stomach. I honestly don’t know if I felt it at the time or not or it’s just how my mind tries to make sense of it looking back at.
But either way mostly I was enjoying myself. I smiled. I was a kid again. I could hear riders in front of me let out that initial yell of terrified glee you get at the first drop of any good ride.
It peaked. I glanced around. I could see for miles, rolling hills and mountains. I the sled tipped over and zoomed down the mountain and I let out the same happy yell I heard from the other passengers.The ride zoomed down the mountain, catching speed. The mountain forest floor zoomed past, only a few feet under me. Trees zoomed past. I gave out a happy whoop as the ride banked hard around a curve and then looped back under itself.Another dip, another curve. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the G-forces pulling me every which way.
There was no one exact single moment where things started to go “wrong.” The ride kept going. And going. At this point the first creeping thought entered my head.
The ride… was still going.
It just started to hit me… this ride was going on for a really long time. I had taken a dozen rides on various coasters of this type before that day and they topped out at about 5 minutes or so, and that was the long ones. Longer than a traditional roller coaster but not that long. This one had been going on for what felt like 10, maybe even 15 minutes.
I looked back over my shoulder and could only see trees, moving too fast to really get a bearing on where I was at in relation to anything.
I wasn't exactly really worried yet. Okay so I had found a particularly long alpine coaster. At the time I wasn’t 100% wasn't sure they didn’t exist or anything like that. I was a little… unnerved but nothing was happening that was impossible. Yet.
I was trying to talk myself back into just enjoying the ride and stop overthinking it, and halfway succeeded, when out of nowhere I suddenly banked hard, the track jutting out almost over a sheer cliffside. I gripped the sled more tightly as I was whipped around. The ride then dipped hard and picked up speed, barreling down the side of the mountain.
I was pushed back against the seat by the force of the drop. Jesus I didn’t remember them being this rough. I was feeling slightly nauseous. And where had this elevation drop come from I wondered? I was still in the foothills and I didn’t remember seeing anything but gentle rolling hills and light drops from looking at the ride’s route earlier. How the ride had managed such a long, steep drop in this area I didn’t know. . For the first time I hoped that the ride would be over soon. I had no idea then how much I would want that same hope to be true so much more as time went on.
With a whiplash motion I was whipped forward and then back as the ride leveled out on flat ground again, but by this point I was going fast, too fast. My neck hurt from the mild whiplash and I felt sour in my throat and for a moment the contents of my stomach threatened to come back up. For the first, but hardly the last time the ride felt unsafe. Alpine Coasters are tame affairs, much slower and gentler than full on roller coasters but this thing was throwing me around like no thrill ride I had ever been on.
I looked around. I mean I wasn’t that deep into the woods. I should have been able to see a glimpse of something; the highway, the gas station, the tourist shops, the Alpine Coaster office, something, anything. But nothing. Just trees.
I forced back some panic for the first time. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. The ride zoomed along. I counted to 60. I counted to 60 again. And again. Okay this was getting uncomfortably harder and harder to explain.
Suddenly I noticed that up ahead the track seemed to just end, for one brief, terrible moment I thought the track just ended but I was wrong. Almost without warning the track dipped in an almost vertical drop. I almost screamed as I plummeted for 20, maybe 30 seconds before flattening out again.
By this point the voice in my head that was telling me something was wrong was louder and I could no longer tell myself it was wrong. This ride could not have been this long. I tried to make sense of it, wondering if somehow I had gotten diverted onto some kind of maintenance track or, hell for one brief irrational moment even entertaining the idea that I had wound up on an actual train track somehow. But that was absurd. The rail below me was not a train track, it was still just the simple, aluminum rail of an alpine coaster and there had been no diversions or junctions in the track. I was still on the ride, as insane as that was starting to feel. Had the ride somehow looped? Again after having the thought I immediately dismissed it as crazy. There’s no way I could have missed the ride building where I got on. And what kind of ride loops over and over?
The sled zoomed through the forest, oddly never seeming to lose speed despite the relatively flat grade of the track. I cursed myself for leaving my phone in the car and not wearing a watch. I don’t know exactly how long I had been on the ride at that point but it felt like I had been on the ride for a half hour, maybe more. But time is a funny thing when you’re in a situation you’ve never been in. Could have been more, could have been less, at that point.
My pride finally failed me. I started to scream for help. I screamed out that the ride was broken, to stop it, that I needed help. I did that for about ten minutes or so I think. The ride kept going. Mostly flat, level track with occasional mild dips and turns. But the simple length of the ride grew more and more unnerving and unexplainable.
I thought about just bailing out. But the ride, impossibly, was still not slowing down and chunks of mountain rock and thick tree trunks were all around me. Bailing out without risking smashing into a rock or a tree seemed impossible.
The ride kept going.
Up ahead the forest was clearing out some, I could see the forest brightening, more sunlight making it through the canopy.
I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.
The trees stopped and I had just enough time to take in a flat, open area of rock maybe 40, 50 yards at most before another sheer cliff. The tracks twisted and turned and then shot straight down. But that wasn’t the worst of it. For a moment, a very short moment, I had a clear view for miles and the landscape was, to be blunt, totally impossible. Any possibility that I had just stumbled on some incredibly long ride was blasted out of my head. Barren, volcanic looking rock stretched for miles. Jagged, black rocky outcroppings as far as the eye could see. I was in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. They don’t look like that.
I had a few moments for the terror of that view to settle in before the cart plunged into another horrifying drop. I gripped the handles of the cheap plastic sled until my knuckles turned white. The drop felt completely vertical, like I was falling at terminal velocity. I screamed. My stomach dropped and turned. I imagined the sled coming away from the track and me just plummeting screaming to my death on the rocks below. But somehow the ride still functioned. I closed my eyes tightly and just waited for whatever was going to happen. Eventually after several what felt like a full minute of steep plunging the track again leveled out, and I opened my eyes to see myself moving at breakneck speed over that black, rocky landscape.
Now that I was moving on a more or less flat horizontal track again I took a few deep breaths. I looked over the edge of the track. Nothing but that black, jagged rock, almost looking like obsidian, zooming past. I had no idea how fast the sled was moving now. Fast. Faster than a gravity powered sled should be moving. And the track was higher off the ground now. Alpine slides usually stick pretty close to the ground, but I was 20 feet or so in the air, the track suspended in the air, a simple metal tube tower like a power pylon every few yards.
Without any immediate threat and the sled moving fast but steadily and level I was able to think about my situation again, for all the good that did me. Ahead of me the track just continued to the horizon, nothing but the same rocky landscape as far as I could see. I craned my neck to look back over my shoulder and looked back behind me and it looked the same. Even the mountains were but distant specs on the horizon behind me.
This was insane. There’s not a giant seemingly endless field of black jagged rock in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. There’s no cliff faces tall and steep enough for a multi-minute vertical drop. And alpine coasters were small affairs, not major engineering projects that span miles with pylons and vertical tracks. It made no sense.
Sadly it wasn’t going to start making any more sense anytime soon.
The ride kept going.
I was on this rocky landscape for several hours. I feel comfortable saying this because I could actually notice the sun getting lower in the sky. And the sled wasn’t slowing down despite the grade of the track being flat. I was getting cramped from sitting and stretched my legs and twisted my back as best I could. Didn’t do much help. My eyes were starting to get irritated from the constant wind in them. Worst of all it was starting to get chilly. I only had on a light jacket, a windbreaker, just something to keep the breeze off me, no real insulation. I was cold, my joints were stiff, I was hungry and thirsty. My eyes watered and my throat was so dry it was sore.
But none of that was as bad as just how little sense this all made. There’s nothing like this place anywhere near the Smoky Mountains. This was like some volcanic rock landscape. The more I thought about it the less sense it made.
The ride kept going.
My mind didn’t even try to process this. Whatever I was experiencing simply couldn’t be possible. I was crazy. I was dreaming. The CIA had kidnapped me and dosed me with some new version of LSD and I was in a straightjacket in a padded room at Area 51.
The sled kept zooming along as the sky turned to dusk. Soon the bridge disappeared from my view and I continued on along the endless, rocky, featureless landscape.
I sat back against the sled, mentally and physically numb. I was exhausted. I was thirsty. I was cramping up. I was hungry. I had to pee. I held it for as long as I could, then had no choice but just wet myself. I cried until I had no more tears left. Then I just sat there.
The ride kept going.
By the time the sun dipped below the horizon my throat felt like sandpaper. I dug around in my jacket pockets hoping to find a stick of gum or piece of candy. Nothing. I checked again, having nothing else to do. Under a crumpled store receipt in the inner pocket of my jacket was a single old, forgotten cough drop. I unwrapped it from the paper and popped it in my mouth. Saliva flooded back into my mouth and I was overwhelmed by the methanol and medicine taste. It was something at least, although I knew it would be a brief and temporary fix at best.
I felt my eyes get heavy. It was getting colder. That mountain cold. That deep cold the mountains have even into the early spring when the sun goes down. That kind that just pulls the heat right out of you. I shivered. A terrible, horrible certainty came to me. I would ride until I passed out from exhaustion or the hypothermia set in. My body would tumble off the sled to fall and skip across the rocky ground like a stone skipping across a lake, my bones breaking as I tumbled until my body finally came to a stop. If I was lucky I would be killed and not have to lie for days, broken and bruised, on the ground until death took me.
The ride kept going. The ride kept going. The fucking ride kept going.
“Fuck you” I said to the ride, my voice a horse whisper. I pulled my jacket closer around me, for all the good it did. The cold wind was slowly but surely pulling my body heat away. My shivering got worse, crossing the line from a simple normal shiver into those deep, almost violent full body ones.. I wasn’t anything you could call an experienced outdoorsman, but I knew enough to know that wasn’t a good sign.
It was getting dark. There was a full moon at least so I wasn’t totally in the dark.
About then I noticed something. The landscape, what little I could see in the fading light, was changing. It was smoothing out, becoming less rocky and craggy. Up ahead an odd, shimmering light was starting to appear on the ground.
I was over it before I even realized what it was. The tracks were going over a smooth surface.
Water. It was a lake. The odd lights I had seen were the moon, reflected in ripples on the lake.
Within minutes I was out of the view of the land. After the nearly endless rocky landscape and everything else I had seen, it scared me how little I was shocked. I didn’t like how mentally numb I was getting. I leaned over. There was enough moonlight to see the water, 15 or 20 feet below the track. The pylons holding up the track went into the water, the light wasn’t good enough to even make a guess at how far they went down or how deep the water was.I leaned back in the sled. My eyes were red and bloodshot from the constant wind. I closed them. This was a mistake.I jerked awake. I don’t know if I dozed off for a split second or an hour. My weight had shifted and I caught myself as my center of gravity was in danger of sending me off the sled and into the water.
I screamed in anger. A deep primal scream. I hurt so bad. My joints felt like they were full of glass. My limbs were full of pins and needles. I glanced over at the water. For the first time on the very edges of my brain a tiny voice started to speak up, telling me that I could be all over if I just jumped. I shut the voice up, but it scared me still.
I sat there as the ride went on. It felt like hours. Eventually the lake ended in a rocky shore line. The damned ride. There was no safe place to bail out. If the ride slowed down, it was high in the air, if it moved toward the ground it sped up. Sharp rocks, big trees, nothing you could safely bail out into.
I kept having to force myself awake. I kept dozing off. Once I felt myself falling asleep and drove a vicious uppercut into my own nose to stave it off.
I seriously started to think about how much longer I could hang on. The voice came back again. This time I didn’t shut it up. I wasn’t admitting it to myself yet, but I was starting to think about the best way to land that would end it quickly if I needed to.
Something was ahead. The track seemed to dip into the ground. I was too tired, too beaten to even get scared. I was just resigned to whatever happened at this point.
With little warning the track took my sled into a tunnel in the ground. Everything went completely pitch black. After several moments even the dim moonlight was gone.
This was the worst part. The creepy forest, the immense rocky landscape, the eerie lake… those were bad. But this was just nothing. Nothing to look at, nothing to hear, nothing for reference or sense of where I was going. The walls of the tunnel felt like they were inches from me in every direction. The air felt thick, like there wasn’t enough oxygen.
With every moment I was in that tunnel I lost a little more hope. After a long, long time I made a decision. When I got out of this tunnel, I would jump. I didn’t care anymore. Hopefully there would be a spot where I could be certain the fall would instantly kill me. I was done. The ride had beaten me. I sat there, waiting for a chance to end this on my terms. That was all I had left.
Eventually up ahead, a tiny speck of light appeared. I gathered my strength, ready to end it. I sat up, getting my legs under me so I could jump as soon as we were clear. The sled burst out of the tunnel. The dim light of the full moon was enough to be momentarily blinding after the pitch black of the tunnel.. I gave my eyes a moment to adjust.
I was back in a normal looking Appalachian forest. Rolling hills, green trees. The air smelled of pine again. I heard an owl hoot off somewhere.
Slowly I lowered myself back into a setting position, in shock. At first I refused to believe it but the ride was slowing down. I held still, making sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, but no, the cheap plastic sled that had been my world for what felt like an eternity was slowing down.
Up ahead, a structure was visible, peeking out from among the trees in the dim lighting as the sled moved down the track.
It was the Alpine Slide building. The crappy fake red barn where I had boarded this cursed ride so long ago. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, sure it was either my mind or the cursed ride playing tricks with me. But the building stayed there.
It grew closer and closer. The track leveled completely out. The sled slowed down more. Before I had the time to really come to terms with it I arrived back at the building.
The sled slowed to a stop, gently pumping against another sled parked on the track. I sat there for a few moments, gasping in great big gulping fear breaths, trying to assure myself the ride didn’t have one last trick of its sleeve.
I looked around. The place was empty, deserted. The overhead lights were still on and the old Pepsi machine still glowed and buzzed, but the ticket booth was dark and empty, a metal gate pulled down over the ticket window.
Suddenly it hit me that I was free and I practically leapt out of the sled and onto the platform. I immediately collapsed. My legs were jelly and my head was spinning. I tried to stand up again and doubled over, dry heaving. Have you ever been out on a boat for a day and have that weird reverse motion sickness when you’re back on solid land? It was like that times a hundred. My inner ear was literally pounding, all the motion had really done a number on it.
I laid there for a few moments and eventually forced myself to stand up on my two wobbling legs. I looked around, a horrible certainty creeping into my mind that there would be no exit, no way off the platform but to my relief an exit turnstyle, one of those full height ones, was set into the fence that surrounded the ride property.
I went through it and found myself back on the main road. The truckstop was still there, still open but far less busy. My car sat in the same corner of the parking lot I had left it.
I allowed myself one look back, just one quick one. The metal skeleton of the Alpine Slide track sat there, dark and quiet but otherwise normal.
I stumbled-ran back to my car, dug the keys out of my pocket, and collapsed inside. When the door shut I let out a primal scream, the tons of fear and confusion and anger all fusing into a single, raw emotion. I screamed again and again.
After a few moments I felt like I was emotionally at least back to a place where I could act, although I wasn’t sure yet what to do next. Not really knowing what to do I cranked the car. The A/C had been on low when I shut off the car and it came roaring back to life and cold air blowing on me almost sent me back into a full on panic attack. I fumbled with the climate controls until the air stopped blowing directly on me, then calmed down enough to turn the heat on, helping to get the chill out of my bones. There was a half full bottle of water in the center console cup holder and I grabbed it and chugged it. Nothing ever tasted as good before or sense as that few ounces of water.
That was when I noticed the clock on the radio head unit. It was 4:17 in the morning. It had been about one, one thirty or so in the afternoon when I got on the accursed ride.
Over 15 hours. I had been on the goddamn ride for over 15 hours. Over half a day.
I just sat there. Warming up. Calming down. I was exhausted. I was dehydrated. I can’t even describe how my head felt. I probably had at least a minor case of hypothermia. I thought about going into the gas station and asking for help but what would I even say, and more than anything I just wanted to get away from this place. And I just wanted to get away. I wanted to be nowhere near that damn ride.
I put the Camaro in gear and pulled into the street and in panic I immediately slammed on the brakes. I was lucky there was no traffic on the road at that moment. The feeling of accelerating to just normal surface street speeds made me sick to my stomach. I gathered myself and very slowly accelerated the car I usually treated with a very heavy foot up to 30 miles an hour. Every time I tried to accelerate at a pace faster than “Old Lady Going to Church, Uphill” I would have a panic attack. I was okay once I was up to speed, but accelerating freaked me out after being on that ride.
I drove about 30 minutes, putting some arbitrary amount of distance between myself and the coaster. Eventually I made it back to where the twisty mountain road met back up with a major road that would eventually meet back up with the highway. After a few more minutes of driving I saw the onramp for the highway. There was one of those big truckstop travel plazas and pulled in, parking right up at the door. I smelled like pee and I can only imagine how I looked, but I didn’t care.
I kept a couple of emergency 20s in the back of my wallet and spent it on the biggest bottle of water the store had, an overpriced bottle of eye drops, and a huge travel mug of coffee. The clerk looked at me as if he was expecting me to either drop dead or rob him the entire time.
Back in my car I downed the coffee. I put a few eye drops in each of my eyes and sat there as the caffeine took effect until I felt like I could make it back to my apartment. The sun was just coming up when I finally pulled out of the truck stop and got on the freeway. I slowly, very slowly, accelerated up to highway speed, put the Camaro in cruise control, and let the miles start to drift away. I turned on the radio, I needed to hear human voices. Every time my mind went back to what had just happened I turned the radio up louder, eventually drowning it out with painful levels of rock music. I wasn’t ready to think about it yet. Yes looking back I know I was just in denial. I finally made it back to the crappy little apartment I had off campus, a little two story walk up studio. I let myself in and collapsed on the cheap couch. I was asleep before I even had the time to decide whether or not to do anything else. I woke up later that afternoon. I took a shower and ate a meal and didn’t think about the ride. I washed the pee stained filthy clothes I had been wearing and didn’t think about the ride. I went back to class and didn’t think about the ride. Every time I thought about the ride I forced it out of my head. I’m sure this wasn’t the most mentally healthy thing to do but what can you say?
I didn’t forget about it, don’t be silly. This isn’t the kind of thing you forget. One day while looking up something else in the university’s library my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up the Alpine Slide. No website but a few Google Map and Yelp mentions. None of them mentioned anything weird, certainly nothing even remotely like what I experienced. Near as I can tell it closed sometimes in the winter of 2012.
Life went on. I mean, that’s what it does. The next day was a little better. And the day after that a little better. And the day after that a little better still. I met a nice girl. Graduated. Got married. Got a nice house in the suburbs. Got a dog. Had a daughter. Spent a lot of time happy and not thinking about being trapped on an endless alpine coaster.And that was my life for many, many years after that.
Until a few weeks back when as a very different person I found myself driving a boring and safe mid sized family SUV through those same mountains. My wife Carol, 5 months pregnant, sat in the passenger seat, our 6 year old daughter Emily in a booster seat in the back, and Max our mixed breed mutt next to her. It had been a nice pleasant trip, driving back from visiting her folks.
I hadn’t thought about that fucking ride in so long I barely registered that I was in the same general area until it was too late. Suddenly I realized that little mountain tourist trap town was only a few minutes down the road. I swallowed hard and gripped the steering wheel hard. Carol was looking out the window at the scenery and Emily was deep into some kid’s Youtube video on an iPad. I forced myself to keep my breath steady as we rounded the corner.The town was still there, sorta. Time had not been kind to it. The gas station was still there, at some point it had been bought out by Shell. The tourist trap shops were still there. One of them was now a vape shop. The diner was closed, the building looking like it sat unused for a long time.
But of course that’s not what I cared about. A looked over at the site where the Alpine Coaster once stood. It was gone. The kitschy fake barn was gone. The site was just a bare concrete slab with a chainlink fence around it. Faded “no trespassing” and “for sale” signs hung off the fence. A pile of old, decaying lumber that might have once long ago been part of the structure covered part of the old lot. No sign of the track remained outside of some old concrete support posts dotting the side of the mountain.
I exhaled out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding in. Soon the little town disappeared in my rear view mirror.
About a half hour later we stopped for gas. I pulled up to a gas pump across from a massive motorhome. Max stuck his head out the window and started barking at a little white dog, a toy breed of some kind, in the window of the motorhome. Carol and Emily immediately headed into the store to restock on snacks while I fueled up.
I stood there, a half smile on my lips as Max barked and wagged his tail in an attempt to attract the attention of the other dog while I filled up the tank, said dog doing an admirable job of ignoring him.
Right about the time I finished fueling up and cleaning the bugs off the windshield Carol returned from inside the store, Emily in tow, arms filled with two full sized bags of Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips and what looked to be a half dozen individually wrapped pickles.
I raised an eyebrow at the collection of food but knew better than to question a pregnant woman's snack choices.
“Should we take Max for a quick walk?” Carol asked. The travel plaza had a nice little gated dog walking area off to the side.
“Yeah probably not a bad idea, he’s been cooped up in the car for a few hours.” I said. Max, upon hearing his name and the word “walk” , forgot about the other dog and upgraded from wagging his tail to wagging his entire body while making whining sounds and staring right at me.
About this time I became half aware that the big motor home next to us was pulling away. I didn’t think much of it, outside of doing a quick automatic mental check to make sure Emily was well clear of the moving vehicle, but she was safely between me and our SUV, well out of the way.
But that was when Emily looked behind me and cheerfully yelled “Daddy look a roller coaster! Can I ride the coaster?”
It’s cliche as fuck I know but my blood went cold.
I turned around slowly, certain in my knowledge that terrible old decrepit Alpine Coaster would be there, having just popped into existence to trap me again.
That.. is not what I saw. Sure enough there was a coaster there, one I hadn’t noticed earlier because it had mostly been blocked by the motor home, but there it was. It was even an Alpine Coaster.
But it was not the same coaster I had encountered those years ago. That was immediately obvious. It was a small but modern and newish looking setup with neon lights and a bunch of people. There was an actual building where you bought tickets and a little snack stand.
“Daddy! Can we go on the coaster!” Emily asked again.
My mouth made motions but no words came out. I glanced over at Carol, hoping she’d say we didn’t have time but to my horror she smiled and said “You know what? That does sound like fun. Daddy will take you while I take Max for a walk.”
My mind raced, trying to think of a way to get out of it. But Emily was already dragging me across the parking lot to the entrance.
I patted my pocket, making sure my phone was in it. Every fiber of my being was screaming to run away. I slept walked through the line and the ticket booth while Emily bounced happily.
We got into a two seat plastic sled. This one was actually a lot nicer than the one my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about. It had two nice cushioned seats, big grab handles, even a nice rollbar.
The sled started up the track. I fought back the panic. I swerved my head around, keeping the building in my view. I was terrified of losing sight of it. We made it to the top and Emily did a happy squeal as we started down the side of the mountain.
My heart raced. Any second, any second my mind told me we’d lose sight of the building and then the ride would never end. The ride sped down the mountain. My mind tortured me with thoughts of not only going through it again, but seeing Emily go through it. The ride went around a big, banking turn. Emily kept shouting happily. How long before Carol reported us missing I wondered? Could I keep Emily calm? What if it lasted even longer this time? What if this time it never ended?
And then we were back at the start of the ride. The same attendant who had helped us into the sled was helping Emily out. I stepped out. The attendant gave me a brief look but said nothing. I guess I looked a little wild eyed.
I was fine. Emily was fine. It had been a perfectly normal, fun ride.
“That was fun Daddy! Thank you!” Emily said. I forced a smile back. “It was fun.” I responded, hoping like I sounded like I meant it.
I took Emily’s hand and we walked back to the car. Max saw us coming and barked happily. Carol looked up from the pint of Ben and Jerry’s she had somehow acquired and added to her snack collection while we were gone and smiled at us.
“Did you have fun?” she asked.
“It was so fun Mommy!” Emily said.
Carol smiled down at her, but then looked at me and frowned. “Are you okay?” Carol could read my face a lot better than the attendant could. “You’re pale.”
I smiled and this time the smile felt real. “Ya know what. Yeah, I think I am okay.”
Carol looked a little puzzled, but didn’t press it. We loaded Emily back in her booster seat, stopped Max from trying desperately to eat half a discarded gas station hot dog off the ground and got him back in the car. Carol and her small collection of snack food took her place in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's seat.I smiled. I cranked the car. I put it in gear. I pulled out of the gas station and back on the road, this time accelerating just a little faster than I had in years.

Friends, I did the first two nights from different sections. I was second row in 207 the first night, and then second row of 307 the second night. (I'll be doing third night in the 100s for a floor comparison and can update this later with a third experience.)
Note: I turned on the spoiler tag because of the level of detail, but have tried to not give anything away other than as needed to report.
(Edited to add details.)
Yes, it's worth it. It is incredible. Bob sings Standing on the Moon but the Sphere makes you believe that you are. It is like getting an entire second show visually on top of the music. They have put something really special together. No reason to be on the fence: if you can make it, you should.
Section comparison. I don't think there is a bad seat in the Sphere, and everyone I talked to enjoyed it wherever they were (though I didn't talk to anyone with an obstructed view).
That said, there are some tradeoffs. Down on the floor seemed to be the die hard fans and best energy. Several people said they thought the overall view in the 300s was probably the best for taking everything in with the height and that little extra distance. I found the 300s a little bit less immersive and little more chill--a great night 2 seat for me. The 200s are a balance between the Sphere and the Band and best of both worlds. I definitely felt more "in it" in the 200s.
I do think that being towards a center section of the Sphere is more important than being down a level or a few rows closer. On the wings it seems like the visuals would be less immersive because you have a stronger sense of where the wall is in your vision field.
I didn't find the 200s to be steep, but the 300s were a bit as you're getting in and out. It took a few minutes to adjust, but I had no issues. This does seem to be a bigger concern in the 400s, so consider moving down if you don't care for heights and if that will impact your experience.
Compared to other venues (especially baseball stadiums) that are a bit cramped, I found the seats themselves comfortable and had plenty of space. The incline also makes it easy to see the band from anywhere.
I really liked seeing shows from different seats the last two nights and encourage that if it's an option for you. It's a different view and experience each time and keeps it fresh.
Visuals. I don't know who dreamed this up but it is surreal. It fills your vision, like wearing a VR headset with 15k other fans. It feels at times like you're in a space ship, or on a roller coaster. It's a ride-- Photos and video cannot capture it because of the sheer scale.
The opening visuals for the first song are chill, then they blow the doors off the place with the second song. Because of that, I think opening set songs will lean a little more warm up, and the second song in the first set will start the energy. The closing visuals appear to also be the same night to night.
In between, they do repeat many of the visuals night to night, but several of them are generic enough where they can be used for many different songs (and still fun to watch and impressive). Some of those are more "static" than the headline videos that are circulating, and that puts the emphasis back on the music for stretches.
There were some new visuals on Night 2, maybe 20% or so of them. We'll see in time as they continue to roll new ones out and mix and match what songs they play to what.
The visuals can be a little disorienting. Even when you know it's a screen, it is so big it tricks you. Night 1 I found myself needing to sit down for a minute. Two things that helped me: One, turn around and look back at the seating, especially where the screen ends at the top. That helped my brain remember where we were. Second, looking at it through my phone when I took a few videos also grounded me. Overall, this was minor for me, I bounced back in a minute or so, and I loved it.
Sound. I found it plenty loud, but saw some comments that it wasn't enough for some others liking. I think if you are acclimated to the outdoor tour amphitheater experience, that tends to be louder because they push volume out further outdoors. In the Sphere they don't need to do that. What you get in exchange is a more balanced sound. No complaints here.
They did seem to dial it in a bit and got more bass second night. I didn't notice it so much, but a few folks around me commented. Making some minor adjustments as they learn by playing the venue and getting fan feedback is to be expected, and I'm glad to see it.
Haptics. Night one there were a few songs where they turned on the seat haptics, but it did not feel sync'd to the music until D&S. Night 2 they were only used for drums and space, and somehow Mickey controls them or they are sync'd to certain of his kit. I thought it was very cool N2 and how I hope it goes. They are amazing for D&S and I highly recommend sitting for that and not treating it like a second intermission. The seats and the visuals make it a totally different experience.
Encore. They will do an encore-type song, but they don't leave the stage. Without spoiling, there is a short visual presentation (about a minute) after set 2 closer and then they play one more. This was consistent both nights.
Intermission. The bathroom lines really did get long. I guess that's always true at intermissions, but this felt longer than other venues, though they did keep it moving. This was the only minor complaint I had.
If the line on your floor is long, it moved faster and was less crowded on the lower levels. Sphere staff was excellent, and were telling fans they could go down a level for a shorter line.
Food and drinks at the Sphere. They have a bit of both, but a lot more barstands than food. I didn't eat there, but they had decent cocktails. There are bars on each level, and for beer and seltzers they had some wall coolers grab-and-go style. Other than intermission, the lines were never too bad. Stadium pricing hurts, but is to be expected.
Comfort. The best decision I made all weekend was to just wear my Brooks running shoes. It is a lot of walking even just around, to, and from The Venetian.
One difference I have not seen mentioned elsewhere is that I caught a bit of a draft in the 300s. I was fine, but consider bringing a layer if you're up higher.
Dead Experience at the Venetian. This was cool to see and is easy to check out while you're around. You can do it all in 30-60 minutes. It is on the lower level where Palazzo starts by the LOVE sign, near the restaurants and shopping. There are some fun photo ops, and staff to help take pictures.
Be sure to go upstairs: the photo collection exhibit and Mickey's artwork are up there and both neat. There was no line when I went. They do sell tour posters, but were already selling out morning of Day 2.
Merch. The merch at the Dead Experience at the Venetian during the day is different than what they have at the Sphere during shows. There is overlap, but there were some of the same styles in different colors. So far, none of it is available online.
Posters. Yes, there is a different poster each night. They also have weekend posters (with all three nights on them) and full tour posters. Tour posters had a limited run in foil, and then regular matte posters.
Security. They did not seem to be checking or care about vapes. It looked like every third person in line held theirs up in their hand with their phone as they walked through.
Getting in and out of the Venue. This overall ran really smoothly. I am not staying at the Venetian, so the first night I took a cab from the south end of the strip for about $20. Some traffic getting in, but once I was dropped off it was really quick getting into general entrance. Second night I got dinner at Venetian and took their sky bridge. That was a longer line, but still got through in about 15 minutes.
So if you're having dinner at the Venetian, I'd plan to walk over by about 645. It was about a fifteen minute walk, then a bit of line at security, but you'll get in with no stress and should have time to grab a drink. A 5pm reservation somewhere should give you plenty of time if you tell your server.
Shows get out around 11.30, and then it's either a walk back to Venetian or to the cab line. I was getting back to my hotel around midnight. If you started with dinner at 5 before the show, it's a long night.
Pace Yourself. Three days is a lot anywhere, but in Vegas you're on your feet during the day, it's hot, and the Sphere is an intense experience. It'll add up. Take it easy where you can.
Travel safe, and may the four winds blow you all safely home.

Here I am at 90 days. I never knew how sick I'd become from PMO. More often by the day I'll notice a fragrance of a smell, or a feeling that I had 10 years ago when I lived on the coast .... the other day I noticed the stars in the sky for the first time in I don't know how long. I felt them in my heart. I am not trying to be poetic. But to be human is to have some of that in you.
You know, I've read here and there about people thinking if one makes it to 90 days of sobriety, that's it, you're free. Or at least free enough. I really don't feel that way, even if ... let's be honest, even though I want to.
I've had this neurological problem with the left side of my body for years now. It's slowly going away. Slowly. Not gone. Memory has improved. Critical thinking, too, but I didn't realize how basic my cognitive skills were until recently. Pride has kept me from paying too close attention, but I'm dumber than I think I am. Stamina and strength have improved. I can go on runs now without being gassed. I've also noticed I am doing harder things, like taking cold showers. They don't hurt as bad as they used to. I'm not on my guard 24/7. I'm feeling pains inside my soul or in my heart now, that before I couldn't bear. And these pains are part of what it is to live in this world. Some people don't like me, it's okay. I have bigger problems than that, and well, I think I can take some actions that are for my better with respect to them. I'm not really there yet though. Sometimes I just shut it all out still, not even via PMO.
Some of this is from doing those things little by little, or throwing myself into them. Some is from decisions. For instance, I have a son now. I think as his father, would I want to walk in on him wanking to some pixels? For year after year? Hurting himself, getting lonely or at least lonesome, his hair getting thinner, aging prematurely, disrespecting himself, losing his personality, blaming others ... And the answer is no. I wouldn't. And I'm a kid. I'm God's kid. So why should I want to disappoint Him like that, unless I have a really low opinion of God and myself?
Well, I'm at 90 days. I can say I definitely feel more sober, but there's a catch to that. I felt sober 90 days ago, too. I thought I was far more sober than I really was. Temptation has sprung up the past week or so. It took my breath away the other morning. I've also been waking up with erections, which hasn't happened in over 10 yeras. Yeah, I did a lot of high-speed internet porn. That stuff is really damaging, more damaging than I've admitted or could admit right now. But I should admit it, because it's true. Anyway, I know that as time goes by, I become more sexually sensitive. I need some work on my will.
Do you know, I learned this not too long ago, that the will has nothing to do with emotions? It's not an emotion. Some of you know that. I didn't. I always thought, grit your teeth, steel yourself, get through it on sheer will alone. But I can do things with m y will despite my feelings. And so I see that what happens with will, is that someone does something, and in extreme cases against his emotions. So someone will grit their teeth because it hurts, or they don't want to do it, and the emotions try to trick the person into thinking they are his decision. But no matter how much my emotions hurt, the will is not emotional at all. It's intellectual. And that's a power I didn't know I had, one that can't be touched by emotions.
Well, I don't have all day, but being at 90 days, this is on average where people get their head out of enough of the muck that they realize (on average, mind you) that they don't want to be involved in this destructive lifestyle anymore. And I am glad right now that I can't do PMO given my circumstances. I really can't, and I'm protected from that, too. Because I'm still too weak to feel like a man about it.
A big problem of porn has been one of admitting the truth. That porn makes me feel great (while at the same time sick, and the sickness lasts while the pleasure fades). But at the time it feels great. And I wasn't separating the pain and pleasure. I couldn't really tell the difference. But some poisons taste sweet. If I saw melted Jolly Ranchers but knew there was cyanide i nit, I would refuse to drink it, no matter how sweet it was. But somehow that didn't extend in my mind to PMO. I guess I'm still really sick, since I'm not seeing it as good as I should and could.
So porn has made me feel really pleased when I consumed it. But that's the nature of the drug. That's what drugs do. They feel good, but they ruin your life little by little. They take away your personality. You change. You stop being who you were when you were a little kid. You can't be the man or woman you're spuposed to be. You get wrinkled, pieces not lit up that should be, you're scattered and can't feel with the heart you'd have had if you didn't do that. Well, if I didn't do that. Talk about myself. But porn felt pleasing, and incredibly so. And yet it was a poison. But as a drug, it's predictable that it would feel that way.
So it's been a response to too much pleasure, while also admitting that ther'es a poison in PMO that has been destroying me mentally, psychologically, spiritually, and even biologically. PMO isn't just a private matter, one that you're elastic enough you can bounce back from right away. It changes a person. I've seen it in my ex brother-in-law. I've seen it in the disastrous marriage between a coworker and her husband. And I'm starting to see how it's ruined so much of mysef, and poisoned my relationships.
How am I going to understand another person or give him or her empathy, when I'm all drained inside? How am I going to treat a woman like a person, when I'm sizing her up as a sexual piece of meat (rejecting her if she's ugly, distracted by beauty like a hungry dog). How cna I make friends?
I've realized I don't really have any frieds anymore. That I'm more negative than I'd like to be (part of that is there's so much bullcrap in the worl that I wasn't noticing, but the other part is I'm finding stuff to get mad about like it's a compulsion). That I haven't been respecting myself, shown by how I've been dressing but also how I treat myself, don't take my side in an argument ... and this all gets so very confusing when I'm continually buzzed on PMO or mad or irritable, and can't fairly appraise someone else's argument without rushing to emotionally attack them or defend myself.
It makes me ugly.
At 90 days. I do'nt feel so great, but it's better than I was before. Doldrums. Flatlining, yeah. But the other day i was thinking about some adventurous stuff. I haven't had thoughts about having fun in life in many years. Even if I don't feel so much that way now, I did only a couple days ago. Flashes of light in the darkness is better than darkness. It's har dto remember how bad it was 90 days ago. But I truly am feeling better objectively. Not what I'd like to be feeling, but it's better. If I don't get better, what's bad now will just get worse, and I don't want that. So I'll keep going, even though there are strong desires not to.
You know, there are tihngs I have very strong inclinations toward that are not good for me? Can you believe that? I never really thought about that until recently. I've been pretty judgy towards others for their inclinations, but not to myself. Pride. Well, there are some things I really don't like to do that are really good for me. Praying, cold showers, doing hard things, getting my work and studies done. I feel better after all those, and worse after video gaming or binging on food. ANd alwaysworse after PMO, I am gladder not having done that in awhile. But there's a lot that I feel a pull toward that is really bad for me. It's so strange admitting that my instincts are off. That if I go on desire and emotion, I'm not objective. Lost compass.

https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2010/11/aspie-myths-he-wont-miss-me.html
One of the comments near the bottom is worth digesting. Hard.

This is such a sensitive subject for me. 8 months ago I broke up with my BF. I strongly believe he has aspergers, he does too. I was really devastated as I gave it my all. He did not. He told me he didn't love me, that he never felt anything but anger towards me. He treated me very badly, I see it clearly now, I was too emotionally involved with him to see clearly. He was cheap beyond cheap. He was verbally , mentally cruel to me. He never took accountability for any of his actions in the relationship. He blamed me for everything. He wad extremely selfish & immature. I was too kind, too nice, ugh I find it hard to write about! So hurtful! Sure, sometimes I'm lonely & miss being with someone, but how could I miss being treated like shit? I don't. I am upset with myself for accepting his abusive behavior, but he had no right to treat me so demeaningly. I was his first girlfriend at age 46 for him. No woman would ever date him. He's been on POF since 2005! He has a fantasy of being with a younger woman. I found out he is a cross dresser & addicted to porn. I gave him a chance! I put up with his eccentricities. I was willing to work at it! He took me for granted & disrespected me as a woman. He was unable to ejaculate during sex. Ironically, he's bitter towards me & still blames me. I was a fool & I take responsibility for that. I don't care what Anyone says: I will Never date a man with aspergers ever again. They truly are not worth the heartbreak or the work. Every blog I have ever read about woman in these relationships6 sacrifice their heart, time & energy constantly accomodating their every need. I am truly grateful I got out of it. In hindsight I should have dumped him immediately, thats my only regret.....

Who is really at fault for this late bloomer breakup?
From all appearances, it looks like the older man behaved in a red pilled manner.
Concerning his attachment style: Is he a dismissive avoidant, or is he a fearful avoidant with a disorganized attachment style?
Concerning his fantasy about being with a younger woman: Is this a generic younger woman, or was he romantically limerent for one particular woman?
The "Anonymous" woman knows the distinction between "extremely selfish" and narcissism, and does not rush to call her former partner a narcissist.
Is she herself a divorced single mom, one of the very demographics that draws red pilled ire?
How many arguments did it take before the breakup? Did they get the chance to live together?

Hi there! Breed: American Shorthair (cat) (mutt, not a recognized pedigreed cat) Age: 5 yrs Sex: Male, Neutered as soon as he was old enough Weight: 17 lbs (chunky boy, he's on a diet)
Problem: We have another cat in the house (female, 12yrs, spayed, has been in the home since before he was acquired) that he tries to fight practically every time they interact. Specifically, he tries to chase her whenever she wants away from him, and he tries to bite her neck and ears. This latter only happens when she's sitting upright and watching him - they coexist peacefully whenever she's napping or otherwise can't be bothered with his presence.
Is there anything that can be done to help ease his aggression? Are there treats, training tricks, should we take time to re-introduce them as if he was a kitten? This is more of a behavioral check-in rather than a diagnosis or seeking specifically medical advice.

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u/wabisabi_sf Thank you for the stunning Loupaper postcard!! The hike sounds amazing, and I adore the Lunar New Year stamp!

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Hi. I know this isnt going to replace seeing a therapist, but I would at least like to know if it sounds like I have DID or OSDD. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, so that might help.
I was bullied constantly when I was younger, people would make fun of me for being a nerd, trick me, etc. etc. It never got physical, but I was definitely not handling it well emotionally/mentally. And of course, I moved recently which completely shattered my world because I was leaving everything I’d ever known. I’d say late last year is when I really started showing symptoms.
I had people in my head who would talk to me, I was always talking to myself as if there was another person there, I would always space out during literally like everything (that might be my ADHD though), there was even a girl who knew my name and treated me like I was her bestie even though I had never seen her before, which had really freaked me out. I might not have gotten any physical bullying but I always hit myself when I do something wrong. Yes, I get therapy, but I don’t want to tell the therapist because then they’ll tell my parents.
I don’t want to say the next part because people will probably accuse me of wasting their time read all this, they won’t even care about everything I’ve said so far, they’ll just probably focus on the next part. Hopefully that doesn’t happen this time.
So, anyways, I had a person in my head named Cyan. Huge b****, but the thing is I kinda created them but then they took control-I don’t know if that means I don’t have DID or if I do, but I could remember all the mean things they did and that might make me OSDD-1b. Eventually I got them under control in my mental mindscape with the help of my friends, but I felt absolutely terrible about it.
I honestly don’t know if I have anything related to DID or not, I could really use an honest/professional opinion that doesn’t mock me for being silly or making things up.

The densely populated region of the Iliac Bay was hit by the Plague almost as bad as Colovia, although the consequences for the region were slightly different.
Fiercely loyal to their cities, the urban inhabitants of the Bay didn't leave them for the countryside, as was the practice in the rest of the world. They hunkered down in their quarters, quarantined the segments of the city from each other, waited, and persisted.
The subsequent rebuilding efforts have, in no small terms, changed the world, and cemented the contemporary Iliac culture. The whole modern magical automation started with the Iliac Bay, when the survivors worked to keep up the old infrastructure that relied on the huge numbers of unqualified workers and laborers.
These early attempts were full of idiosyncratic tricks and thinking by similarity - souls of oxen put into the plows, souls of spiders used for the weaving machines. The contemporary research shows that sympathetic correspondence doesn't really work, and scale improves the performance much more. The Knights of the Bay insist on keeping their quaint practices of enchanting one tool at a time.
Knights, yes, time to speak of them. The people of the Iliac Bay, both the Bretons and the Forebears, always had a pretty peculiar attitude to nobility. While 'my ancestors were better than yours' attitude have always been there, reinforced by the Direnni influence, the recognition of individual worth and achieviment always was there as well. The survivor mentality post-Plague had swung the current attitude firmly into the meritocratic direction.
The Knights are usually not more than a half of urban population, but the Knight is what everyone strives to be. A warrior, a mage, a merchant, a politician, a poet - a Knight should be everything at once, while being fiercely loyal to both their family and their city. That some families are already richer and more powerful than the others, and would only continue to do so, have not yet become an apparent problem.
This peculiar attitude to power had hammered the last nail in the coffin of the culture of hereditary monarchy in the Bay. Whether it is true or not, the scholars of the Bay treat the very concept as an alien practice, imposed and reinforced by the meddling of the Remans and the Septims. Instead, each city keeps (and constantly invents) their own rules of electing temporary leaders in the open forums of the local Knight councils.
The League as a whole is organized the same way - ruled by the council if City representatives that gather once a decade on the Isle of Balfiera to elect the League leaders. The very location of the so-called 'capital', as well as the personalities of the leaders are the result of compromise between the traditionally strongest cities - Daggerfall and Sentinel.
Religiously, the Bay is just as fragmented as it is politically. Each city has its own Temple of the patron deity. Each Temple keeps its own counsel and its own interpretation of theology. Even the Septims didn't manage to impose the unified creed in the Bay, so the efforts of the Archdiocese are laughable in comparison.
There is also one more side to the Bay that is usually overlooked and forgotten. We can even say there are two states, two cultures sharing the same space without noticing each other. The whole knightly culture on concentrated in the cities, and the countryside is another thing entirely. Always ignored by the city-folk, the peasants and villagers of the Iliac Bay had also survived the Plague on their own, and formed their own set of fully diverging social practices.
The ages-old struggle between the Wyrd and the Druids takes place there. Small, hidden villages keep to themselves, and the stories told about them grow more fanciful day by day - they can turn into animals at will, they keep to their own version of the Green Pact, they are partially animals, with hoofs, and antlers, and claws. Nonsense, obviously.

My mom has always been very anti-religion my entire life and a couple years ago she essentially came out as Christian. She was crying and telling me how worried she is for me and how she knows that I hate god (even though I don't believe in one???). I've had a lot of mental health stuff and she told me that she used to be so scared of me killing myself that she prayed on it and god told her that I won't die until I'm saved so its just my destiny I guess. She told me this as a warning because "Jesus will break your legs to get you there" and she wanted to save me from that pain. Jesus sounds like a narcissistic asshole. Pass. I just told her that I'm glad that she's happier now but that's not my thing.
For a while she was very annoying about trying to convert me and would say that if she wasn't trying to get me into heaven then she clearly didn't love me. I told her that this behavior wouldn't change my mind it would just make me not want to be around her anymore. She told me "if that's how it has to happen, so be it." Ouch. She refused to consume any "secular" media ie: normal ass movies that she's enjoyed since the 90's. She would very regularly lecture me on how every single thing I enjoy is satanic or evil in some way, ESPECIALLY my music. So far I've learned that jesus will abuse you until you love him, christianity means not giving a fuck if your kid never speaks to you again and anything that brings anyone joy is bad.
At one point she told me that when I told her I'm just glad that she's happy that she wanted to tell me she's the most miserable she's ever been.
She's calmed down a lot recently and isn't so aggressive about converting me. She does still try to trick me by doing things like showing me a new "metal" band that I might like and it's just another shitty christian singer. Last night she broke down crying and said that she's just so miserable here on Earth and that every night she prays that she doesn't wake up. All she wants to do is join god and since being saved all she can see is all of the bad around her. She has always struggled with mental health but becoming christian seems to have made it so much worse. I've always thought that people turn to religion to make themselves feel better so I'm completely lost as to why my mom is doing this to herself.
She has become very nasty and judgemental in the name of god but if she ever does anything wrong she'll quote some shit about not judging others from the bible. She also became homophobic over night.
Some of her craziest christian hot takes:
She once told me that she's jealous of one of the mothers of a child who died in a school shooting because her daughter was a martyr.
There are invisible ghost things that whisper to babies while they sleep and make them gay.
She won't quit smoking because if god wanted her to quit he would've taken the urge away when she was saved.
She's OK with my little sister dying because she's a believer and would go to heaven but if I died she'd be upset because she'd know I'm going to hell.
It is sinful and unnatural for us to get treated for our bipolar because that's how god made us. (We're very miserable and bad to other people without medication and therapy but ok).
My little sister was in a very controlling, abusive relationship and he would make her dress a certain way which is obviously bad and my mom agreed. Now she has a christian boyfriend who makes her dress a certain way but my mom thinks it's endearing because this time it's in the name of god.
Christians are the most oppressed group.
We should teach christianity in public schools.
Tattoos are bad and sinful UNLESS they're religion related.
God cured her of her fear of spiders when she was saved.

A long time ago, in the summer of 2010, I was a combat engineer deployed to the Panjwai District of Afghanistan. I had never experienced heat like that before. Plus, all our gear was heavy and non-breathable. Every time I was on patrol, I looked like I had jumped into a pool.
The bottled water in Afghanistan was poor, to say the least. On numerous occasions, I contracted gastro. One fateful day, I drank tainted water and ended up with horrible diarrhea. Then, my section got called out as part of the quick reaction force to deal with multiple IEDs. I was stuck in the driver’s seat of a LAV 3, and it was insanely hot in there. Coupled with the shits, I couldn’t stay hydrated.
While we were rolling to the next call for a landmine, a vehicle unfortunately hit an IED, killing two people and injuring one. By the time we got back to base hours later, I was horribly dehydrated and stumbled to the medics at the Role 1 hospital.
They treated me for dehydration and heat exhaustion with IV fluids. Now, this was the first time I had ever had IV fluids, and the medics, I learned, kept them chilled—or at least I think they did. The medic told me I would feel better very quickly. I ended up needing three whole bags of IV fluids. I felt that chilled fluid rolling through my veins, and it was one of the most satisfying feelings I had ever experienced. Considering I lost two friends and comrades that day, it made a shitty day a little nicer.

(I am SO sorry for the needed lengthy) Back Story & Context Leading To My Decision:
I (33F) have 1 sister, “Sam” (38F). Although we share the same parents, our childhood & the way we were treated was incredibly different. Mainly because Sam had always been favored & treated far better than me. A fact that Sam refuses to acknowledge to this day.
Before & after my parents got married, it was agreed upon that they would not have children, until one day my mother “Susan” (66F) came up with the bright idea that if she gave her parents (“Norma & Gene”) a grand-baby they would finally love her. She went off the pill without telling my father, got pregnant, then had Sam. To no one’s surprise, Susan hated being a mom. So she would ship Sam across the country to Norma & Gene’s constantly, so much so, they saw her as THEIR child. And they showered her with love that Susan never even got a taste of. This led to Susan being aggressively jealous & resentful of her child.
Years later, my dad was tricked again into having me to “save their marriage.” They divorced when I was 3. All Sam ever knew from Susan was neglect, emotional & mental abuse from Susan, which only became worse when she could use “favoring” me as another way to hurt Sam. This was NOT a secret in my family, resulting in maltreatment towards me (either subconsciously or intentionally).
Abuse toward Sam turned physical. My father was given full custody of her when I was 8, and I was left with Susan for the next 2 years until she decided she wanted to move to San Francisco because she “deserved” a more glamorous life. I do not remember the years living with Susan, but recently one of my closest friends (of 25 years) said to me I practically lived at her house & she barely interacted with Susan throughout the entirety of our friendship.
To make up for Susan being an awful parent, Norma & Gene would dote on Sam & shell out a lot of $$$ to give her a very nice life which includes but not limited to; taking her on luxury trips around the world (I was only invited on 1 in the times we lived together), Norma would write her lengthy letters to continue growing their bond, has had so much money spent on her such as down payment on her first house & paid for extravagant events such as majority of the bill for her $50,000 wedding @ 21yo, the rest my father paid for. The only time she worked before graduating with her degree was part time ONE semester in college then quit because it was “so tiring” to work & study. Want to guess who paid her bills & gave her an allowance the rest of the time? Compare this to me when I barley received a kind word. They offered me money ONCE in my early 20’s to pay off my credit card & medical debt I accrued in college as I had to pay all my own bills while working full time (I have been working since I was 15) and going to school full time. I am the only one in the family who worked in college, yet I am still the only one to graduate with honors. I accepted with the condition it would come out of my “inheritance.” I have never asked or been offered money since. I have paid for ALL my own bills since I left home @ 18 years old.
Despite the obvious disparities and constant hurt they put me through, I was an active member of the family who mainly kept her mouth shut. I attended family events unless I could not afford to go, I sent holiday gifts, called between 1-2x per month for an 1 hour+ phone call in which I most often bit my tongue unless it was to defend Sam as Norma & Susan did not agree with her parenting.
Something to note, in May 2021 my father had an accident that would lead to his passing in December 2021. The disagreements & Sam’s nastiness toward me after the accident and then his death further strained our relationship.
Fast forward to March 2023. An explosive incident at Susan’s home. Susan started berating Sam for not allowing Susan to take my oldest nephew cross country for a week. When Sam confronted her on the abuse she endured growing up, and will not subject her kids to that, Susan lost it. Not only did Susan say that Sam made that up (I have the court documents in my possession) she screamed at Sam until she began sobbing in ear shot of her 3 young kids, husband, and my step father. I stood up for Sam as always, which resulted in Susan screaming in my face “I don’t want a relationship with you” with Sam as a witness. I cut ties with Susan in that very moment, then made the family aware of my decision, and everyone, including Norma agreed to respect my decision which she later went back on.
By August 2023, my physical health that had been on a rapid decline since 2019 including 18 out of 23 (78%) of my spinal discs deteriorating without a known cause had become unbearable to manage + time I had to take off because of migraines & doctor’s appointments, I had to quit my corporate desk job. I had enough money saved to tide me over for some time, but as any US adult in their 20’s & 30’s know, it’s been rough the past few years, add in physical disabilities & limited mobility + regular migraines, I was running low on money & needed help. So at the end of December, at the encouragement & insistence of my aunt “Elizabeth” (61F & Susan’s sister) who I had become quite close with over the past few years, I went to Norma & Gene to ask for a LOAN. They had donated $25,000 to Sam’s place of worship on her behalf a few months prior, offered to buy Sam & her husband a house the year prior, paid for Elizabeth’s bills & expensive lifestyle for the last year when she was soul searching on what line of work she wanted to do next, this was after putting a down payment on Elizabeth’s new $470,000 condo + $70,000 of renovations it needed, not to mention the literal hundreds of thousands of dollars that they have given Susan over the years just to pay off her credit card debt (none of which is coming out of their inheritance might I add) she assured me they would absolutely loan their granddaughter with serious health issues money. Elizabeth would talk to them personally about it, just to seal the deal while Sam would help me find cheaper alternatives to my current necessities such as Medicaid.
I make the request, and to my surprise they are more than happy to help me with a loan. But one week later & their phone calls with Susan, they say by email they “love me but cannot continue to financially support my poor decisions.” I call Elizabeth who says, it was not in her best interest to talk to them about helping me as I am “worthless to this family and society while being disabled.” Then adds that she will not let her “mental health deteriorate just to emotionally support me.” I then immediately reach out to Sam who does not even have the guts to talk by phone only text, and says she called Susan to explain my circumstance but “wasn’t going to argue or pick a fight” to help me and that she is sorry that that she “can't show up for me the way I want her to because she needs to maintain her own mental health, relationships and boundaries.” She also threw in that I have “made up this narrative in my head” that they treat her & I different, that she is treated better. This is literally in the same conversation where I already listed how she was treated better.
That day I fully cut contact with Norma, Gene, and Elizabeth. I told them they will not be hearing from me again, and I will not be attending theirs or Susan’s funeral. And I stopped speaking with Sam for the time being. Ironically, what led us to speaking was last month (April 2024) I had begun working on an article about going No Contact with family members. I asked if I could discuss her childhood abuse in a few sentences as part of the article. She agreed and offered to give me quotes. I accepted then interviewed her. From there we began rebuilding our relationship.
Then Wednesday, May 8, Norma passes. I do not attend the funeral that happened on Friday, May 10. My two cousins who I have become very close with in the last 6 months understood why, and supported my decision. I made it clear to Sam, who told Susan I would not be attending and I had made it clear in January that when the time came, I would l not be attending their funerals. Which clearly they saw as an empty threat. But even though I did not go, I continually checked in with them & Sam to ensure they were okay. Not once from Wednesday to yesterday (Tuesday) did Sam reply to a single message. As I was concerned about this, I reached out yesterday morning. She replied in the afternoon. I was incredibly hurt by her very lengthy message. Here are 2 excerpts that led me to full NC.

1. “Your perspective on the situation was clear, you werent coming to be with the family and you arent grieving [Norma’s] death at least in the conventional sense. I had to be the one to answer from most of the family why you werent there, it was incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for me.”
2. “Since late January/Early February things have already been really strained between us. I know that most that comes from my point of view and actions were really hurtful to you. I hate that I hurt you and Its been difficult for me to reconcile that I can't show up for you the way you want me to while also maintaining my own mental health, relationships and boundaries.”

She continually says that she cannot show up for me the way I need without affecting her mental health, jeopardizing her relationship with Susan, Gene or Norma, crossing boundaries (boundaries she never clarified or explicitly said to me ONCE) and I am not someone that would ever want to hinder someone else’s life by my presence or cause inner turmoil by associating with me. I let her know this and said I will stop trying to cultivate a relationship and I will step away for good. I said it as kind as possible, taking an hour to craft a message that can only be seen as kind. I told her if she responds I will not be reading it.
I work very hard to stay positive as it’s just me to lean on. When there is something eating at me emotionally, it will drain my energy & have me spiral until it is resolved. I did not want to waste another moment feeling hurt especially when I wasted hours being angry & upset after receiving her text before crafting my reply.
My dad always preached that Sam is “far more sensitive” than me & needs to basically be treated with kid gloves despite her being almost 5 years older (he held this stance until his passing). He would have surely wanted me to apply that rule to this situation by waiting a few weeks to cut ties once she had time to process her grief. As Norma was the closest person to a loving mother Sam consistently had, I cannot help but compare it with my experience of losing my dad. If someone who always supported me esp. with any family issues, cut contact the same week he passed, it would have added a whole other layer of devastation & loneliness to an already difficult time
So, I am torn on whether it was right of me to put myself first or if I should have done what I am known & expected to do which is making Sam’s feelings the priority over mine.
ADDITIONAL ADVICE REQUESTS: 1. If anyone else has gone through a similar situation or has no immediate family, how do you handle it when having to discuss it with others? Such as explaining it to a new S/O’s, or the least complicated version to their family members or my friends who do not know the full back story but will eventually pick up on me not mentioning my sister or my nephews & niece. 2. If anyone is not able bodied or is limited to working options due to health, what you do for your full or extra income (outside of any government assistance)?
TY to all who comment &/or upvote!☺️

Killer Grips: Anne Maria, Brick, Jasmine, Justin, Millie
Screaming Gaffers: Chase, Izzy, MK, Ripper, Scott
Episode 8: One Flu Over the Cuckoos
"Last time, on Total Drama Action! Imprisoned in a world they didn't create. Forced to ingest deadly foods, and even to taste them twice!"
"Nonetheless, the two courageous teams clawed their way to freedom! And... a lonely Chef made a new friend."
"But prison is no place for law abiding citizens. Even athletic ones. So at the end of the day, it was goodbye, Sky, hello... Izzy?" The camera panned back to show Chris lounging in the control tent. "Yeah. Izzy. That girl is eight shades of nutty. Will she drive everyone else crazy too?"
The scene flashed to a close-up of Chris standing in front of the cast trailers, the camera pulling back with each word of the show's title. "Find out now, on Total! Drama! Action!"
(Theme Song)
The scene faded in to a shot of an owl hooting on a tree branch at night until a few sparks erupted from it and its head popped off on a spring. The camera panned down and to the left, catching the castmates as they made their way back to their trailers; the Gaffers were in front, and the Grips were in the back, though Brick was noticeably absent.
“Everything is so much smaller than I remembered!” Izzy said while looking around.
"I can't believe that you guys eliminated Sky," Chase said as the camera focused on the Gaffers. "She would have continued to help carry us to victory if she was still here."
“I remember that bush! I remember that tree!” Izzy continued to observe her surroundings until she tripped onto the floor, only to get back up. “Oh, I remember that rock! Hey rock!”
“You know,” Scott spoke up, “with Sky gone and Izzy being back, it's like we didn't lose a player.”
“That may be because the teams are still evenly matched,” MK claimed.
"Good night everybody," Millie told the contestants in a tired tone as she took the steps up to the girls' trailer. "I really need to get some rest." She grabbed the door handle and habitually moved to open it, but it didn't budge and she slammed face-first into it.
"First they lock us in," Ripper said as the camera cut over to him pulling on the door handle of the guys' trailer, "and now they're locking us out!" He grunted as he kept trying to open it, but he failed to move it at all.
"Wait, wait," Izzy said from off-screen, "let me try it!" Ripper quickly stepped aside just as Izzy rammed the door and bounced off of it without making a dent.
A loud siren started up as tense music began to play in the background.
“Cops!!!” Izzy panicked soon after getting up and ducked out of the way.
Seconds later, an ambulance drove past, stopping in front of them just long enough for the back doors to open and a covered stretcher to fall out. Siren still blaring, the ambulance drove off and the castmates hesitantly approached its former cargo.
"What is that? A dead body?" Anne Maria asked nervously.
"Or an undead body," Ripper guessed.
Whatever was on the stretcher sat up, and the cover fell away to reveal Chris McLean lying on a colorful stack of books. The castmates gasped and murmured at the dazed-looking host. "...Boo!" the handsome man said suddenly, earning a blank look from MK.
The host then cleared his throat. "Calm yourselves. No one's dead yet," he said with a smile, holding up one of the books. "I'm here to prep you plucky ducks for our most awesome challenge yet! These textbooks hold the sum total of eight years of med school, and each one of you gets one," he explained before tossing the book in his hand to Anne Maria who raised an eyebrow once she caught it, "cause tomorrow, we're gonna play Doctor!" A few deep and tense notes played as Anne Maria rolled her eyes.
Confessional: Anne Maria
"I don't have anything against doctors," Anne Maria confessed. "It is their job to put scalpers and needles onto people, and give advice like “Don't break your leg because you were out late skateboarding,” but playing doctor isn't really in my wheelhouse.”
Confessional: Brick
"If I wanted to, I could be a doctor," Brick explained to the camera. "I've been to the doctor's office countless times because of my many injuries, like a twisted wrist, a joint thumb, bruised ribs, or even my leg getting bit by a dog." He shuddered. “Don't ask. But the military is my top priority.”
Confessionals End
"To win this challenge," Chris said as the footage cut back to him and the castmates, each of whom now held a textbook, "you're gonna want to memorize the entire contents of these textbooks. By morning."
"But it's already late," Millie protested.
"You got that right," Chris answered as a golf cart drove up with a giant pizza slice on the roof and a large stack of pizza boxes in the back. The driver was Chef, who had a pizza delivery hat on. As soon as the cart stopped, Chef got out and carried the comically large stack of pizzas over to Chase. "What med school all-nighter would be complete without pizza?" Chris asked.
Chase was shown dropping his textbook as he accepted the stack in awe, and a harp played in the background as he and Izzy gave it a sniff. He let out an approving sigh as Izzy smiled happily. "Pizza," the daredevil said.
"This has to be a trick," Millie said.
"More like method acting," Chris told them as he walked over to the golf cart and hopped onto the back. "Med school interns consume 850% more pizza than the average human. So, dig in! Cause there's plenty more where that came from!" The cart sputtered away, leaving the castmates by themselves.
Jasmine opened the top box and took out a slice. "Looks okay, smells okay," she said before finally taking a bite. "Tastes...great!"
"How is that even possible?" Anne Maria asked.
The scene flashed over to an unfinished pizza getting tossed into the air, the camera following it as it fell into Brick's hands. The table he was standing at already had four other pizzas on it, and they looked to be complete.
The camera panned right over to Chef with four cooked pizzas at his table as he held a can of parmesan. "Keep 'em comin'," Chef ordered. "I'll add the final cheesy touch," he said deviously while sprinkling the can on one of the pizzas.
"I'm pretty sure my team is going to question where I am," Brick complained.
"Not as long as they're eating, they won't!" Chef got up in Brick's face. "So hush up and spin that dough. Spin like the wind." As Chef went back to his station, the camera zoomed in on Brick's worried face.
The scene flashed to the five Gaffers sitting in chairs by a fire in front of the cast trailers, eating pizza and reading textbooks. The camera focused in on Izzy and Ripper, who were in the two leftmost seats.
"Y'know," Ripper said, "one time me and my brothers ordered ten boxes of pizza in order to see who can eat the most without using their hands." He chuckled. “You should've been there watching us splatter sauce on each other.”
“Let's pretend I was!” Izzy tossed away her book. “Here!” She sprung off her chair, landed next to the pizza box in front of the team, and began to scarf on the pizza without using her hands.
“My three brothers would be jealous to see you do this quicker than them,” Ripper commented.
Grabbing a pizza with her teeth, Izzy started to shake it around like a rabid animal, splattering sauce onto everybody.
“My hat!” MK exclaimed.
“My shirt!” Scott shouted.
“My pizza!” Chase cried out dramatically.
Confessional: Izzy
“I am so glad to be back,” Izzy said. “I was top of my pre-med class before the RCMP started chasing me, so this should be a snap! On the other hand, I'll tone down my impressions since it bothered Ripper the last time I was here, and he's my friend so I'll try to put his feelings into consideration.”
Confessional: Ripper
“It's amazing that Izzy is back in the game, and unlike the first time it happened, I'm around to witness it,” Ripper chimed. “She better not make us call her E-Scope though. That was really bugging me out.”
Confessionals End
The scene moved to the inside of the craft services tent, where four of the Killer Grips were studying at one of the tables. Millie and Anne Maria were on one side of the table, with Justin opposite them and Jasmine standing away from them.
Justin noticed Jasmine's unhappy expression and decided to go over and press the matter. “Is something wrong?” the eye candy asked.
Jasmine was startled by the question and regained her composure. “I'm completely fine. Nothing's bringing me down.”
“Just tell me. I don't blab about secrets,” Justin continued.
“If you must know, Brick's been spending less time with us lately,” Jasmine confessed. “Usually before the challenge, we never even see him.”
“I've noticed as well,” Justin nodded. “And this is bringing you down because?”
“Me and him have a special bond going, and it may lead into something more than that, but how are we supposed to know each other more if he's avoiding us?” Jasmine wondered.
“Brick'll probably explain what's going on to us, but don't badger him,” Justin advised. “It'll most likely cause him to lie.”
“That's a good idea. If there's one thing I do not like, it's when someone is lying to me,” Jasmine admitted.
“Interesting…” Justin mused to himself.
Confessional: Justin
“Jasmine's concern plus Brick's disappearances equals an opportunity for me to cause a little bit of turmoil between them,” Justin calculated. “That way, I could get one of them eliminated with Anne Maria and Millie's help.”
Confessional Ends
"Man, is this pizza delicious or what?" Anne Maria said as she took a bite out of the slice she was holding. "I wish Chef could cook more food like this for us every day."
Jasmine took a bite of her slice and saw Millie focused on reading rather than eating. "Are you not going to nibble at least one slice, Millie?"
Millie looked up from the book she'd been studying and blinked.
Confessional: Millie
"With the challenge that we're going to get, I have to focus on studying all the contexts of that textbook so I won't forget a single detail," Millie told the camera. "And plus, I'm not really a big fan of pizza."
Confessional Ends
A close-up of an open pizza box was shown as Justin reached in to grab one of the last remaining pieces. "If you don't want any pizza, then that means there's more for us," he said.
“Hold on. Brick hasn't had any,” Jasmine interrupted.
"Where is he anyway?" Anne Maria asked.
Brick then peeked out of the counter, and he ducked down, crawled under the table, and popped up in order to act like he just arrived. "Sorry I'm late. I had an urgent bathroom emergency," he said.
"Here's your pizza," Jasmine slid the open box to the end of the table.
Brick picked up a slice, took a bite, and smiled as he chewed it. "My cooking skills are great!"
"I'm stuffed," Anne Maria said as she stood up. "And with tomorrow being a reward challenge and all, I can just go back to my trailer. Good night!" She began to leave.
"I study better when I'm by myself. Nothing personal," Millie told the team and left the tent as well.
Confessional: Jasmine
"I could make them stay," Jasmine said in the make-up trailer, "but there's no point in doing so. Millie is already educated enough to not read the textbook, and Anne Maria is as tough as an untamed crocodile when it comes to talking with her."
Confessional Ends
The scene moved to Anne Maria and Millie as they walked through the film lot to get to their trailer.
"I thought you'd still be studying back at the tent," Anne Maria casted a suspicious look at her teammate. “Why are you following me?”
"I still want to read the textbook. I just want to do it someplace quiet," Millie replied. “What about you?”
“Like I said, I'm going to sleep,” Anne Maria said. “There's no need to give it my all if the challenge won't have an elimination.”
“You may be wrong about that. Chris is very unpredictable when it comes to episodes having eliminations or not,” Millie argued. “Did you at least read some pages of the textbook?”
“Yeah, and I don't want my head to be egg headed like yours is, brainiac,” Anne Maria claimed.
This got a glare from Millie. “Hey, just because I'm smart, doesn't mean I don't have any more depth to me,” the writer scolded.
“If all we're gonna do is argue, then let's keep to ourselves for the rest of the night,” Anne Maria rebutted.
“That's fine by me,” Millie agreed with the tanned girl.
The scene faded forward into a shot of the numbered studios the following day. The camera cut inside, showing the ten castmates lined up in a small room facing a double door, all but Millie and Anne Maria looking exhausted.
"So tired," Jasmine groaned.
"My brain has never been this full," Ripper mumbled.
"You guys should've turned in for the night like I did if you didn't wanna look like zombies," Anne Maria stated, making the others groan at her.
"Morning, competitors!" Chris said in a chipper tone as he slid in through the door. "Or should I say...DOCTORS!" He pulled out a large gun from behind his back, eliciting a gasp from the teens as he pointed it at them. He fired it at them starting with the Gaffers, and the camera focused on Izzy and Scott at the far end of the line as stethoscopes and reflector headband landed on them. Chase, MK, and Ripper were the next to get hit and MK fell to the ground after impact. Brick and Millie followed, then Anne Maria, Jasmine, and Justin.
"Ready for today's big challenge?" Chris asked them with a smile.
“We pulled an all-nighter studying for this," Scott grunted. "Why wouldn't we all be?"
"If only teenagers were as dedicated to their studies as you guys are!" Chris said with a light laugh. "Let's take it inside." He started backing into the room he'd come out of, the castmates following after him.
The camera cut to a close-up of a large compound stage light before zooming out to show the cast assembled in a large room, each team standing by a large green vat of bubbling slime, a ladder leading up to a high dive, and a sort of slanted platform with a person-shaped indent in it.
"Today's challenge is called," Chris said as the background music became low and tense, "Visiting Hours. And only one member of the winning team will get to enjoy the reward." A few drum beats played, and the camera panned over to the Grips on the left.
"Hold up," Anne Maria asked. "Why're we doing this in teams if only one of us gets to win?"
"I guess it's one for all and all for one this time," Jasmine said.
"But who gets to be the one?" Brick wondered aloud.
"Let's leave it to the one who contributes the most," Millie told them.
Confessional: Millie
"Which will likely be me," Millie added in the confessional trailer.
Confessional Ends
"So what is the reward, Chris?" Chase asked.
"You're very perceptive, Chase," Chris told him. "Let's see if that helps you and your team assemble a CADAVER!" A game show jingle played as he made the announcement.
"You're talking about a dead body, right?" Izzy asked.
"No," Chris corrected as the game show jingle played again, "I'm talking about a giant dead body!" The shot zoomed out further than it had before, revealing that the slanted platforms were attached to chains leading up to a reel in the ceiling and two strange devices on mounted either side just below.
"These tanks contain the dismembered parts of two identical cadavers," he explained over an elevator music-like tune. "Each player will climb their respective team ladder, strap on the bungee cord," the shot cut from his close-up to a bungee harness dangling in front of the Gaffers' diving board, "and jump into the tank with hopes of retrieving a body part." The camera panned down to the tank, then over to the slanted platform. "Any parts you find will be snapped in place on the platforms. Use those chains to raise them all the way to the roof," he continued as the camera followed the chain up to the strange device on either side of the gap in the ceiling as a jolt of electricity stream between them, "where they'll be reanimated by a blast of lightning!"
"First team to bring a Franken-Chris back to life wins," the host told them. "First crack goes to the team who can tell me how to treat someone with a bean stuck up their nose." He tapped his nose, and the camera panned over to the Gaffers.
MK was the first to open her mouth. "Administer two ccs of pain meds and probe the affected area with a sterile swab."
"Correctomundo!" Chris said, giving her a pair of finger pistols.
"Yes!" MK cheered.
The footage flashed forward to the AV girl on top of her team's diving board, the bungee harness already secured. She jumped off with a scream and plunged into the vat, popping back up a moment later as she was electrocuted by the electric eel she was now holding. She let the fish go at the peak of her trip back up, and grabbed on to the edge of the diving board. "What the heck was that?!" she asked in shock.
"Oh yeah," Chris said, "I forgot to mention the electric eels. Three zaps for each turn and you're out!"
With a hesitant look on her face, MK allowed herself to drop back into the vat. She emerged holding a grayish and slime-covered leg. "Got it!" she called as the camera cut to Ripper who was standing by the Gaffers' platform with his arms out to catch. He caught the limb, then turned around and fit it into place.
"Okay, next question!" Chris announced. "Your patient has an itchy red inflammation on their butt! Diagnosis?"
"Diaper rash," Brick spoke up first. "Apply salve repeatedly to achieve humectant dispersion."
"Yes!" Chris said, and Brick smiled.
The footage cut forward to him diving off the board and into the vat. He sprung back out holding an eel, and it shocked him. "Sorry!" he said before plunging back down. He came back up a second time, now holding two eels. "Sorry again!" he told them, falling once more after getting shocked. He popped out holding a hand, which he quickly tossed to his team.
"Don't let it touch my hair!" Justin fumbled with the hand a few times before tossing it over to Jasmine, who rolled her eyes and put it in the right-hand slot.
"Next question!" Chris said. "Your patient's got a white tongue, red eyes, and they're oozing gooey crud! Diagnosis?"
"If I'm not wrong, that should be Pinkus Eyeicus," Chase answered. "Treat with two rounds of floppity jibbits."
"Absolutely correct!" Chris told him. The camera zoomed in on him as he slyly added "I messed around with some of the terms in the textbook."
Chase looked down at the vat, then jumped. He fell without a sound, but when he came back up with an eel in each hand, he shrieked and got electrocuted. He plunged back down, and this time came up with another leg. "Hey, I got one this time!" he said with a smile before tossing the limb over to Scott.
Scott jumped for it, then turned around and slammed it into place.
"Smells like ear wax?" Chris asked next, rushing up to Jasmine with a grin on his face.
"Pineapple-itis," Jasmine answered before low-fiving the host.
Jasmine was shown jumping down, and sprung back up to diving board-level seconds later with three eels on her body; she screamed as she was shocked.
"Fur between the toes?" Chris asked, bending down to point at his bare feet, one of which had a tuft of brown hair growing out of it.
"Stick two horse feathers up the whizzbang!" Izzy answered when the host turned to her.
Izzy was shown dropping into the vat and coming back up with a torso and a smile on her face.
A montage of parts getting added was shown next. Millie was first, putting a leg into her team's platform. Second was Chase, slotting one of his team's arms in. Brick added a waist for the Grips, and the clips transitioned to other parts of the challenge.
"Waka-waka two-by-four!" Scott answered.
Anne Maria was shown listening to Chris's chest with her stethoscope before enthusiastically saying "Sissypants McGee!" to the host's brief approval and sudden discomfort.
Ripper was shown trying to strangle one of the eels as it shocked him, then Justin was shown being electrocuted thrice by the eels before eventually holding up a Chris head. He tossed it to Anne Maria, who was sitting on Jasmine's shoulders, and the two turned around to put the piece in – all they were missing now was the left arm and hand.
"The Grips ahead by...a head!" Chris announced, the camera cutting over to the Gaffers' platform and the five teens giving it nervous, annoyed, and uncertain looks – aside from the head, all they were missing was the right arm and hand.
"Alright Gaffers, next question!" the host said as he slid over to the other team. "Your patient's feeling tired, has spongy gums, and a bunch of spots on their thighs. Diagnosis?"
"Scurvy," Ripper said. "Treated with an increase of dietary vitamin C."
"Correct!" Chris announced excitedly.
The footage cut forward, focusing on the Gaffers' vat as Ripper dived into it. He emerged moments later with his team's hand, and threw it over to Izzy who quickly put it into place.
Confessional: Ripper
“I'm not sure if what we studied are actually real life symptoms and diagnoses, but who am I to know?” Ripper shrugged uncaringly. “I'm not one to study for this sort of stuff unless there's a million dollars on the line.”
Confessional Ends
Another skip forward showed Millie plunging into the vat and coming back out with the arm. "Alright, last piece coming your way!" she said excitedly before tossing it to her off-screen teammates.
It was Justin who caught the piece and put it into the only remaining indentation on the platform. "The Grips have their cadaver!" Chris announced in a close-up. "Time to start yanking some chain, and be quick about it 'cause the Gaffers are right behind you!"
Jasmine and Brick began to pull on their team's chain while Anne Maria moved the slanted scaffold out from under the platform and Justin and Millie watched in anticipation as the cadaver-containing platform was rising quickly.
The camera cut over to the Gaffers as Izzy dangled from the bungee harness covered in slime. “I got it! I got it!” She tossed the Chris head over to MK.
MK stopped in front of the platform and drew back her arm, tossing it up to Chase who had climbed the back of the platform in preparation. The daredevil caught it and slotted the part in, then dropped to the ground.
"Now we pull!" MK ordered as Chase joined Ripper and Scott at the chain.
"Heave!" Ripper said as the three started to pull in rhythm. "Ho! Heave!"
"The Gaffers are still in this," Chris told the camera in a close-up. "Whose cadaver will hit the roof first?" he asked with a shrug. "Make sure you come back for all the Total! Drama! Action!" he finished excitedly.
(Commercial Break)