🪞
Welcome back to the Asylum write-up, where we explore the decade-long slow-motion car crash that is the Emilie Autumn fandom.
Sorry this installment took so long to upload! Just a heads-up, I may take some time to deliver the last one too – these posts take forever to format on Reddit's finicky-ass editor, and my dumb real life is currently keeping me from precious Internet time. Thank you for your patience! You have my word that everyone who pre-ordered the final installment will receive a PERSONAL, HANDWRITTEN letter autographed and illustrated by me, a list of the snacks I consumed while composing this write-up, some exclusive behind-the-scenes secrets, and a pony.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1 – Part 4.2 Part 5

Places, everyone This is a test Throw your stones Do your damage Your worst, and your best (...) And if I had a dollar For every time I repented the sin And commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today (“God Help Me”, 2006🎵)

Quick recap of where we left off. First, there were five to ten halcyon years of pleasant and meaningful interactions between EA and her blossoming fanbase, prominently by way of her official forum. Then, circa 2009-2010, EA's online presence shifted towards sudden anger outbursts, ban-hammering, and an increasingly top-down communication style.
This created a sort of primordial rift within the fanbase, between those who supported EA's right to speak her mind and regulate her own fan spaces however she pleased – and those who thought that her reactions were rude and inappropriate (at best), and that even fan spaces should allow for reasonable, non-abusive criticism of the artist.
Between a poorly-handled book release (see Part 3), the controversial (Part 2) or dubiously true (Part 4) contents of said book, and serious shade from various former collaborators (Part 5), more and more fans had pressing thoughts about EA's work ethic and choices. EA attempted damage control through drastic forum rules that made it virtually impossible to voice any “serious” critical opinion. It didn't work, of course: instead of squashing the mutiny, she created a schism.
Critical fans and active haters started congregating on unofficial platforms.

“WITH MUFFINS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?”: TROLL LIKE A GIRL

So here we were, the early 2010s. The official forum (which had about 700 members in 2006, if you recall) was now thousands-strong, reaching just over 12,000 registered users in 2012 – not all of them active, but still. In terms of sheer numbers and content creation, the party was POPPIN'... but increasingly in parts of the Asylum that escaped EA's jurisdiction, such as Tumblr, where they could speak their mind freely.

You play the victim very well You've built your self-indulgent hell You wanted someone to understand you Well, be careful what you wish for, because I do (“I Know Where You Sleep”, 2006🎵)

In one wing of Asylum Tumblr, a smattering of call-out blogs emerged, which laid out EA's various lies, faux pas, shitty takes, and general deep-seated terribleness in detailed timelines and screenshots (or, short of that, long-winded bullet points). While many such blogs framed it as “serious” whistleblowing and did their best to remain as fact-based and neutral as they could, there was some genuine disgust, animosity and creepiness towards EA on that side of Tumblr; for some ex-fans, “exposing the truth” was mostly justify obsessive hatred, prying and verbal abuse. Some, for instance, felt the bizarre need to side with EA's mother in their estrangement. (One user, with the URL “emilyautumnfischkopf”, argued in a serious and down-to-earth tone - but with zero sources - that EA's upbringing had been nothing but peaceful and supportive until she ungratefully kicked her loving family to the curb for no reason at all. They were later revealed 🔍 to have an alternate handle as “eaisalyingcunt”.)
Either way, through these blogs, a number of potential drama bombs that had mostly flown under the radar were dredged up from over the years – some of which were hard to ignore, even for supportive fans. Where to begin?
There was that nonsense in-joke song, captured twice on camera during the 2009 tour (to very little outrage, at the time), crassly called “Manatee Retard”📺. Or EA's scathing response, in print, to a wheelchair user who found it insensitive that she used a bedazzled wheelchair as a prop to do sexy acrobatics on stage. (“Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against”, she wrote). Spoken word tracks where she made trivializing knock-knock jokes about serious mental illnesses she didn't have, like schizophrenia and OCD. Multiple instances of calling Britney Spears a “bimbo” and a “Hollywood fucked-up”, resentfully claiming that she only shaved her head because she was “hopped up on drugs” and certainly not because she was “bipolar”, a word the press liked to wield as an insult anyway. (“That's almost like calling someone a retard!” Yeah, heaven forbid.) The meanest, most distasteful paragraphs in the book. Basically everything problematic EA had ever said or written.📝 In retrospect, it had been a long time coming, but it was a lot to take in – and certainly more off-putting, even to less emotionally invested fans, than silly lies about her age and last name.
In another wing of Asylum Tumblr, some fans had had it up to here and just wanted to have fun. 🎵 If Plague Rats had learned one valuable lesson from EA, it was how to crack a joke in the face of absurd tragedy – and the general state of the EA fandom certainly warranted a few.
In 2012, Fight Like a Girl was released. After six long years, three of which had been peaceful, the Opheliac era was officially over. The new album and ensuing tour confirmed that the Asylum had entered a process of glamorous Broadway-style militarization. 🎵📺
The mood board was “Roman general meets Vegas showgirl meets Victorian street urchin”.🪞 The color palette was, to naysayers, “musty pink and rotten, stale piss yellow”. 🐀 The keyword was “REVENGE” (through the power of... self-expression! sorority! brutal assault with rusty medical implements!). The chorus of the title song had an intriguing run-on line about getting “revenge on the world, or at least 49% of the people in it” 🎵 – which seemed like an awful lot, and was widely interpreted (to cheers, boos, or uncomfortable sighs) as a misandrist jab at literally all men on Earth.
The show was essentially a demo version of the musical, in that the setlist vaguely reflected the order of events in the story – but prior reading was essential in order to get what the hell was going on on stage. This one Broadway reviewer had not perused the literature before seeing the show 🔍, and hated: the set, the choreography, the skits, the plot, the lyrics, the music, the concept. (Seriously, you should read the review. It's not even my show and I feel like quitting show business.)
Pre-show VIP encounters, now violin-free, were lorded over by EA's new manager🐀, whose official title was “Asylum Headmistress”. (Interesting choice – she sounds fun!) The swag bags were less substantial than before, and the “greet” part of the meet-and-greet was rarely more than a quick hug and photo op.
On Twitter, EA continued to embrace her “I am very badass” fronting attitude...

Often wonder if cyberbullies r aware they’re fucking w/ a girl who’s BFs w/ maker of the SAW films & is marrying a knife-throwing scorpion. (🐀📝)

...and her taste for needlessly inflammatory statements. About an aisle sign in a supermarket:

If this does not infuriate you, then you're a fucking potato.

(Again with the confounding crypto-ableism, EA! 🔍) She also went through a phase of raging against Lady Gaga 📝, who had stolen her idea of using a wheelchair on stage as an able-bodied woman. 🔍 That failed to convince anyone that she wasn't the histrionic diva that haters made her out to be.
Spurred on by EA's rallying cries and “us vs them” mentality, loyalists turned the white-knighting up to 11. On Twitter, some Plague Rats got into cat fights with Lady Gaga's Little Monsters (what a time to be alive). Others tried to balance out the Tumblr negativity with initiatives like “Spreading a Plague of Love” – a “positive-only” confession blog, whose extreme fangirling, comically drastic rules and hyper-defensive tone📝 did not debunk the increasingly popular notion that “true Plague Rats” were a bunch of authoritarian and hopelessly brainwashed fanatics.
EA truthers and other anti-fans started lashing out at anyone who dared express any positive opinion of EA, solidifying claims that the backlash against EA was just a conspiracy of bitter, hysterical bullies.
All this to say: every passing day brought new reasons for fans to get mad at EA and each other, and everyone in the Asylum was in need of a laugh. It's not easy having a good time.🦠
Leading up to Fight Like a Girl and in the years that followed, user-submission-based meme blogs took off, most notably “Spreading a Plague of Lulz / Troll Like a Girl”. A lot of the early submissions were absurdist humor and toothless, cheezburger-Impact memes (a style that was, oddly, already dated at the time). Those often originated in good fun, and from loyal fans, on the official forum. But there was also true snark, satirizing EA's questionable ethics, outrageous claims, and easily spoofed artistic gimmicks. A new slang of Asylumspeak emerged: Glittertits (slight NSFW), GAGA!!, EA Gusta and all its memeface variants, Get outta mah house!, Are You Suffering?, Fight Like A Goat, [Random celebrity] copied EA (a subgenre in its own right), ...
Most of the “trolling” was directed at unrepentant bootlickers and, to a lesser extent, red-in-the-face haters and creeps. Meme blogs would post joke comments under “serious” or gushing submissions on Wayward Victorian Confessions, and taunt loyalist accounts by tagging them in their posts. When a few people complained on WVC that almost all of the Bloody Crumpets to date had been thin white able-bodied women, and a few fans responded by sharing their dream-casts for a more diverse line-up, the blog was flooded for days with confessions that “X should be a Crumpet” (candidates included RuPaul, Mitt Romney, Nicki Minaj, EA's therapist, and the WVC admins). Farcical shenanigans like that.
Ah, but some people will always cross the line, won't they. EA threads popped up on merciless, bully-friendly snark platforms like Lolcow, Pretty Ugly Little Liar, and Encyclopedia Dramatica. Snarkers with a mean streak and obsessive haters mingled in some of the more aggressive, 4-chan-spirited retaliation against EA – which would be called “brigading” in modern parlance. This included flooding EA's Goodreads page with one-star reviews (see part 4), repeatedly editing her Wikipedia page to include her legal name and birth year, and ensuring that Googling said name would bring up current pictures of her.
All of this compounded agitation fragmented the once-united fandom beyond recognition.🦠 Through substantial disagreements among fans, personal bickerings, layers upon layers of inscrutable in-jokes, and cross-platform telephone games, the Asylum morphed into a booby-trapped Escher room.
Satire blogs were taken in earnest. Earnest fan blogs scanned as satire. Memes would get called out as abuse. Appreciation without attached criticism would get mocked as bootlicking. Obvious jokes made by EA would be taken at face value. One divisive confession could trigger days and days of debate, to the point that WVC eventually banned confessions in response to other confessions. New waves of infighting created a confusing web of rival sub-factions🐀, each accusing the others of being toxic, cliquish, and delusional.
The shared fantasy was broken, the collective vision had crumbled, no onez was speaking the same language anymore. Fans would jump down the throat of other fans who held almost identical views about EA, except for that one thing she said or did that one time. Everyone had differing thoughts on what should or shouldn't acceptable to discuss, question, excuse, make fun of.
War is hell.

SCORCHED EARTH SHENANIGANS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE ASYLUM

Would you tear my castle down Stone by stone And let the wind run through my windows Till there was nothing left But a battered rose? (“Castle Down”, 2003🎵)

Haters vs sycophants is not really the kind of conflict where one side can come out on top (if you're participating, you've already lost). But in the long tug-of-war between “grassroots” and “EA-sponsored” fan spaces, the ultimate winner is obvious – in that the former is gasping in agony, a shriveled husk of its former glory, while the latter... is non-existent. This is due in no small part to EA's tendency, like the Czars of old, to settle conflicts by setting Moscow on fire.🔍)
That's not entirely fair: unlike EA, the czar only did it that once.
By early 2013, as EA was gearing up for her third Fight Like a Girl tour at the end of the year, the official forum was... not as lively as it once had been. Not just because of the stifling rules and disgruntlement towards EA, or because EA herself hadn't really posted anything on there in years; the Internet was also changing, and forums in general were fast becoming passé.
This made it difficult for EA to create a safe space where she could talk to fans, and fans could talk to and about her, in a way she deemed suitable (ie, a space she could gate-keep and regulate enough to keep it completely free from negative criticism). Social media was a minefield; she still posted regularly, but didn't interact very much. So EA and the Headmistress came up with a way to filter out the unbelievers: an official fan club📝, aptly called the “Asylum Army”, with a $100 entry price.
Joining the AA came with a dog tag, a sew-on patch, and a lifetime membership certificate signed by EA and – for some reason – the Headmistress. (Unlike EA's best friend and sound engineer back in the forum's heyday, I don't think fans ever really embraced the FLAG-era manager as part of the Asylum in-group. She came across more as a coordinator / businessperson / adult chaperone, at best.🐀) So, slightly better goodies than you'd get by joining the other AA 🔍 ... but not by much. The main appeal was that members would have access to exclusive content, special merch, giveaways, early bird tickets for future shows, and regular video chats with EA.
The concept itself drew a fair amount of criticism, as you can imagine. Between the name🐀, the price, and the inherent gatekeeping of a pay-to-join fanclub, many balked at the monetizing of a concept that had once (like, three years back) been significantly more DIY, grassroots, and inclusive. 📝🐀
Then again, many also longed for a positive, drama-free space where fans could just be fans. And while the creation of the AA was generally recognized as a quick cashgrab, a lot of people were surprisingly cool with it. EA was trying to finance her dream musical, after all – although a number of fans wished she had gone about raising funds in a less sketchy way.
So around 400 fans shelled out (which, according to the Headmistress📝, “basically cover[ed] the cost of running the fanclub itself – keeping the database up, website, etc.”). Enough for a close-knit, but sizable community. But already, there was a conflict of interest: a high fanclub entry fee essentially demands that you pledge loyalty to the artist over loyalty to your fellow fans, who wish to join but can't afford to. Sharing, caring, and ensuring no one felt left out were some of the more positive values cultivated in the fandom... but leaking exclusive content would surely piss off other paying members🐀, and make EA feel betrayed all over again. (And she had barely just started to mellow out on social media!)
...But then again, this is the internet. After the first month of secret AA drops (lyric sheets, some photoshoot outtakes – nothing too juicy, really), there were, yes, some leaks. EA was predictably miffed, and retaliated by... ghosting the fanclub for weeks at a time in its first few months of existence (great look!). She eventually found the “solution” to her problem, by providing something you couldn't right-click-save (and which had been part of the promised perks to begin with): live interaction.
Over webcam, she was her usual in-person bubbly, charming, funny self. Everyone seemingly had a good time during the fanclub video chat, and this gave people faith and hope.
There were a few more events, giveaways, etc. As promised, ahead of the fall 2013 tour (the last one to date, it would turn out), AA members got priority access to show tickets and VIP bundles. The latter were much pricier than before, and only included soundcheck, a photo-op, and three goodies: a tin of loose-leaf tea, a signed printer-paper setlist, and a small flag that said “F.L.A.G.”.🔍 Some stuff continued to leak – but, as some of the outlaws pointed out (scroll down to the Disqus comments), they were mostly relaying information that was relevant to the entire fanbase, such as updates about ongoing projects (the dragged-out recording of the audiobook, for one).
In early 2014, lifetime memberships were closed, and replaced with monthly, quarterly and yearly subscription tiers. Bizarrely, you ended up paying $3 more per month if you bought a $99 yearly subscription📝 – but it did include the patch, dog tag, and piece of paper!

Sometimes I kind of want to be part of the cool kids and register to the Asylum Army. Then I remember how it came about, what you could get for the same price a couple years ago, how the whole thing was and is handled, and that I won’t support any of this bullshit. (And then I roll around naked in all the money I’m saving.) (🐀)

Still, a number of fans rejoiced at the affordable monthly option, and joined – if not for the exclusive content and merch (which were... okay, but not much to write home about), then for the friendly, drama-free exchanges with an artist they actually did love, in spite of all the frustration.
For the still-too-poor or still-undecided, there was always the forum! It wasn't as active as it used to be, but a few die-hards still managed to keep the lights on... until, inevitably, Someone Did Something and Ruined Everything. (Once again: EA's wrath is spectacular, but rarely completely unprovoked.) The incident features one notable figure in the Asylum community. Let's call him the Collector.
OK, so maybe you remember the meme I linked to in Part 4, with Christian Grey and the ginormous EA hoard. Well, that's the Collector's collection. The “Violin” promo that I called the "Holy Grail of the fandom" in the same paragraph? Also his. The handwritten lyrics that went for $940? Guess who won that auction. Over the years, the Collector had probably spent five figures on EA merch and shows, and although that fact was a little unsettling, he was a very active, easy-going, and generally well-liked fixture of the fandom.
One day in 2012, shortly after the Headmistress had replaced EA's old Chicago BFF as main forum admin, the Collector's account got banned or restricted over something dumb. When the ban wasn't lifted as quickly as he hoped, he took it... the way one takes things when one is unhealthily invested: he started spamming Headmistress and the mod team with increasingly rambling and abusive emails (lost to time, probably for the best). When that didn't work quickly enough, he tried a different route.
One of the many auctions that the Collector had won, some years prior, was EA's old iPod Touch📝 – which contained all of her favorite tunes and, buried somewhere in the data cache... a phone number. Which the Collector tried calling. And wouldn't you know it: EA picked up. She congratulated him on his sleuthing skills, listened patiently as he made his case, apologized for any distress caused by the unfair account restriction, and then they got married.
Kidding! She freaked the fuck out, hung up, and banned him for life from the forum and all EA shows and events.
After his ban, the Collector allegedly still tried to attend at least one VIP pre-show (one source in the comments says he was allowed to buy some merch, refunded for his ticket, and escorted out). He joined the Reform forum to bitch about EA and try to rally people to his cause, possibly made revenge posts about her on darker snark forums, and continued to hound the Asylum mod team. So in June 2014, EA came up with a radical and unexpected fix to the Collector problem.

The official Asylum Fan Forum has been shut down permanently. I have personally paid thousands of dollars each year to keep the forum safe and secure for you ... Unfortunately, the forum has not been kept safe and secure for me, a truth which disappoints me greatly, instead becoming a place where people who have physically threatened myself and my staff prey upon forum members, pressuring them to contact me and my staff on their behalf. If the gullible wish to humor my stalkers (who live in their parent’s basement at age 30 something) and thus put me in danger, they may do it on their own dime. They may also fuck off, because stupidity can kill, and I won’t be your victim. To those who enjoyed the forum, you know who to thank for its closure. (“On the closing of the Asylum Forum”)

Voilà! This is how a decade-long archive of shared history ends: not with a bang, but with a dirty delete and a sod-off communiqué.
The obliteration of the forum took everyone by surprise...

I was actually on the forum when it was taken down. I was navigating between posts and when I went to click on a different board, an error message came up. I honestly cried a little, I'm not ashamed to say. (WVC admin on Reddit, 2024)

...and I do mean everyone:

Chicago BFF / ex-admin, the next morning: Whoa, EA forum shut down? Ex-mod: It turns out that if someone spends enough years actively “waging war” to destroy what they can’t have, eventually they’ll be successful. * eye roll * Not even mods got prior warning. Just all the sudden, poof, gone. BFF: Really? She did not let the moderators know?! This is sounding worse and worse. Uggh. I’m so sorry. Such a loss. (...) Ok, threats are serious, but why not just put it in archive mode so no one can post? (...) Sad. I shall light a candle in the forum's honor. (Facebook posts; scroll down for screenshots)

It was a gut punch, especially for people who had poured countless hours into the community, or could have used some prior warning to save years of their own writing from the role-playing threads. One last chance to take a look around the place that had meant so much to so many.

From the wording of the announcement of closing the forum and a number of other things, it sometimes seems like EA doesn't like her fans much. :/ (🐀)

Three months after the forum was nuked, Battered Rose (a venerable EA fansite, which had been around since the Enchant era and had one of the most complete EA galleries online) announced that it was shutting down too.📝 The admin, who had also been a long-time forum mod, cited a lack of “time, energy, passion, or money” to keep the website going... and being upset at the sudden disappearance of the forum. It was, truly, the end of an era for the Asylum.
...Well, no point in living in the past. For those who could afford it, and still wanted to talk to/about EA after that (not everyone did 🐀), there was always the Asylum Army fanclub!
Over the summer of 2014, EA held regular live chats and Q&A's, and... many attendees really enjoyed them, and thought the AA was well worth the money after all. She also quietly parted ways with the much poo-pooed Headmistress around that time.

Just spent over 4 hours giggling, drinking tea and playing guessing games in chat with EA and other Asylum Army members ... No griping, no downers, just lots of fun. I think I like the way the ‘new fandom’ is going and now I’m really glad I finally decided to join the Army. (September 4, 2014🐀; Battered Rose had closed the day before)

The forum was lost forever, but perhaps that was a chance for a fresh start. Could this fanclub thing really be the Asylum Renaissance that fans had been longing for?

...I have come today to a very difficult but necessary decision, and that is to discontinue the Emilie Autumn Official Fanclub. The site itself, and the community chatroom, will remain open to you indefinitely, but I will no longer be making updates to the site. (Newsletter, September 8, 2014📝)

...Never mind, then.
Turns out the fanclub had been the Headmistress' idea all along. EA had been reluctant from the start, and although she really enjoyed the live chats with a safe community of people “who are there for the right reasons”, she couldn't overcome her fundamental discomfort with the concept. Lifetime and regular members would receive a bunch of digital downloads and a -35% coupon on the Asylum Emporium for their troubles. EA said she would definitely pop back once in a while for live chats, for free, just for fun, but to my knowledge, she never did.
And so the most devoted fans were left standing in the rain...

She is happy, she made it. She is fulfilling her dreams, found love and happiness after all the pain. I understand that she now doesn’t need “us” anymore ... That doesn’t change the fact she broke my heart with taking the Asylum Army and the forum from me. Yet, I am happy for her. (🐀)

...while naysayers pointed and laughed, Nelson-style.🦠

I don’t feel sorry at all for the people that paid for the Asylum Army fan club. Most of them knew that EA is an atrocious business woman and has broken many promises before. In fact, I laugh at them. They seriously thought that EA would actually stay consistent with this? (🐀)

EVERYTHING MUST GO: THE ASYLUM WHOLESALE

EA fans were left without an “official” home for about three years. This gave them plenty of time to be annoyed at EA for: not releasing the audiobook on time, not materializing any new project for a while... and the new sin of peddling random, ridiculously marked-up AliBaba jewelry as “merch” on her official store. Think faux-antique cameo pendants and $30 Big Ben rings (...because the Asylum story is set in London, get it?).

The whole accessories section looks like a tacky overpriced English souvenir shop. (🐀)

The fanbase lost a lost of steam in those in-between years, because there wasn't much to stick around for. As evidenced by the positive reception of the AA live chats, even in the midst of unresolved drama, out-loud interactions in a friendly environment have always been EA's saving grace. Considering the amount of online hate, there are shockingly few accounts of bad IRL encounters with EA: most people say that in live conversation, she comes across as a fun, warm, and genuinely sweet person. Some report that their negative opinion shifted after meeting her.
But there were no chats or live shows anymore. There was only social media, where she ignored questions and vague-posted about overdue projects – and the newsletter📝, which was all saccharine love-bombing to promote bland dropshipped trinkets. For fans who remembered the handcrafted merch (and two-way communication) of the early years, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

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Worked at Nottingham British School, in Jleeb. Genuinely the worst school I've taught at.
Ownership: Here is where the murkiness and shadiness begins. The owner on paper is a Kuwaiti man, but the real owner is an Egyptian. The former is at best an accessory to criminality, the latter is devoid of morals and a thug. The Egyptian owner has lied, stolen, intimidated and threatened staff on a regular basis. He shouldn't be near a school. The Kuwaiti one acts holier than thou, but is part of the problem. They have children in the school and they are treated like royalty, they will bully staff and students and their will be no consequences because they will run to daddy.
Management: Inept, corrupt and spineless. They are habitual liars and will sell you the moon only to stab you in the back and then play victim. They have no clue how to manage a school, they are in these positions because they are slippery enough to throw actual good teachers under the bus and sabotage them infront of parents.
Resources: There are none. No systems. No SIMs. No SoW or SoL. No CPD. No labs that actually work or items for experiments. You're on your own and many times you won't even be able to get a board pen without the Spanish inquisition taking place.
Curriculum: Watered down. Dumbed down. No real education happens in this 'School'. It's an exam centre where tutors will leak answers and then charge students for them. Criminals.
Parents: Majority of the parents will target teachers and expect you to pass their children despite failing. Many expect you to award full marks because they were able to write their name on the paper. They will target teachers if you do not cave in to their unrealistic demands. Not every student can get 100%, that's not realistic, it's better having a real indication of your level than having a fake one because you bullied teachers.
Accommodation: Cockroach infested, mould, tiny apartments that were actually broken down from.larger living Accommodations so the Egyptian owner can save money at the expense of his teachers (as usual)
Overall, if you get an offer from this place, RUN. Do not even entertain it, they will genuinely ruin your mental health and then blame you. It's happened to countless teachers. Don't make the same mistake... RUN.
TL;DR: Stay away from Nottingham British School.
If you have similar stories, please share below.

Everyone needs to read this. Info on todays battle!! Seen this some Where else Not me. Not my post. Just trying to spread this information. Vote this up so everyone can see it!!!!!!
From another post (spread it around):
Are you asking yourself: "what now?" Here's an answer in "ape speak" for what we are waiting for. Please like and comment so others can see this post.
Okay so we held out with FFIE and ended the week nearly 2300% above what it was last week. This by itself is an amazing feat which accomplished 2 things:
We kept FFIE above 1 dollar, so it stays listed on NASDAQ (until it drops to 0.10 per share for 30 days which isn't likely for quite a while).
We made intentions for a short sale known to those who were betting it would be delisted, and eventually drop in price.
So what happens next?
Well, now the hedge funds have a decision to make:
They can cut their losses, and buy up the shares at current market value (this is the beginning of a cascade where we all get rich). Essentially, any share that a hedge fund purchases to mitigate their losses will increase the value of our shares.
They can continue to hold their shorted stock "loans" and hope the market drops again next week. If this is the case, we will need to continue to hold our shares until they crack (they pay a lot of money for each day they continue to short)
As of 1 h before market close, there were still 36 million shares being shorted.
What does this mean? It means that because Hedges believe our efforts are short lived, they didn't cancel their shorts and buy back their shorted stocks.
They are pretty much betting that the "meme" will die down soon and they can buy back their shorted stocks at a much lower price than it is right now.
Say, for example, the flame dies out, and people begin selling because they are scared or burnt out, and the share price on Monday (or aftermarket today) drops, they will be able to cover their shorts at a MUCH lower price.
This DOES NOT mean that the stock still wont jump up. But it does mean that it will jump up much less than it would've had we held out at 1 dollar. The higher the price per share, the more it will jump when the hedge funds are forced to buy back their shorts.
In the end, we only need to hold out long enough for the fees that they pay to become more expensive than it would be to just buy back their shares. Either way, they bleed. But one way, we take their money and get very wealthy.
Once one hedge fund cracks, and covers their shorts by purchasing shares, all of them will follow as it will become too expensive for all the hedge funds to hold out. This creates a "parabolic curve" as many have likely heard on various posts. Once the first hedge fund folds, this becomes officially known as a "squeeze." We hold until eventually all the hedge funds are either bankrupt (for not paying back their shorts), which will then be covered by the federal government, or until they all take MASSIVE losses and buy back their shorts.
Now, as for today, many people likely sold at peak, or once they started seeing red. Especially those who have never experienced a squeeze before (I was there in 2021 and sold out of fear). If this fits your description, please read the following:
The drop today was a maneuver known as a "SHORT LADDER."
This is a technique used by hedge funds to attempt to squash a short squeeze, and bring the price down of the stock. This is the hedge funds attempting to break you, using psychological warfare. Heres how they do it:
Step 1: They increase the share price (usually very quickly) to excite retail investors and make them think what we are doing is working. We saw this today starting about 1h after market opened this morning bringing price from 2.69 up to 3.87.
Step 2: Quickly sell every stock they bought to bring down the price to what it was before. This began approximately 2 hours after market opened today.
Now theoretically, this should only bring down the price to what it was before they bought right? Well with retail squeezers (us dumb apes), you see the shares dropping and start selling your shares in the hopes that you can still walk away with some earnings if you do it quickly enough. This is where they win.
If we all hold, the day ends at 2.69. But instead we ended at about 1.00. Meaning their ladder attack worked so well, that you monkeys got scared and sold your shares. Many of us (myself included) held out to give us another try next week and keep the flame alive.
Step 3: The hedge fund bears will try again, and again, and again (to look like a downwards staircase on the graph, hence the term "ladder") to make the fear worse, and worse, and worse, until there's nothing left and they can get away with shorting a company with very minimal losses.
Our solution, is to mimic exactly what DFV (AKA roaringkitty) did in 2021 with GameStop. We simply hold our shares. Will it put more pressure and make the spike come quicker if we buy more shares? Of course. But the reality is, at 2300% over what they shorted at, if we just even hold where we are at, eventually a hedge fund will fold and our shares will skyrocket.
Now to answer the big ticket question: When will we sell? The answer is as follows: after hedge funds crack, we will see the number of shorted shares decline dramatically. You cant base it off of the price of the share because they can manipulate those numbers to make it LOOK very promising.
Heres the link where you can check FFIE shorted shares numbers: https://fintel.io/ss/us/ffie
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As of right now, the exact number is 36, 342,623. It has hardly changed since we began our squeeze. Once this number begins dropping, we broke a hedge fund and the cascade has begun.
The only risk at this point, is if we sell. We will be our own worst enemies. They will use tricks to make us sell. They will manipulate us. They will flood media with articles describing how we failed. They will use every tool in their power to scare us. But in the end, if we HOLD OUR GOD DAMN SHARES, they cant win.
There will be red days. There will be shutdowns of subreddits (like wallstreetbets back in 2021). There will be news articles. (like the hundreds already published demeaning us). There might even be threats of legal action (like they did to DFV). However, short squeezes are 100% legal, and will make us rich + make billionaire cheaters bleed.
Good luck fellow FFIE advocates. Buy at the dips to get back in. Hold your shares to ensure profits. And no matter what, remember,
APES. TOGETHER. STRONG.

As I was studying for the SHRM-CP exam, I came across several posts on here that were useful in helping me along the process, so I thought I would share some information on how I passed for future test takers. Please note that I did NOT purchase the SHRM Learning System. I studied by myself using free online resources and a few books I bought off Amazon. Prep/Study Time
I studied for about 4–5 weeks. On weekdays I studied between 1–3 hours per day, on the weekends I would do 4–6 hours per day, and during the last 7–10 days, I studied about 4–6 hours per day. Of course, I took a few nights off here and there as well. Keep in mind that you may need to study more or less given your work experience (I have a Master’s in I/O Psych and about 2 years of relevant work experience). To be honest, I wish I had started studying 2–3 weeks earlier. I would recommend giving yourself at least 1.5–2 months to prepare for this exam.
Resources:

1. SHRM BoCK — This is a free PDF that you can download off the SHRM website. I used this resource to guide my overall learning. I dissected the entire document and made flashcards on Quizlet for everything I did not know. In particular, I focused on the “key concepts” for each section and made sure I knew the definition of each term. There is also a glossary of terms and definitions at the end of the document, so I added all those terms into Quizlet as well. The glossary does not have every definition you will need to know, but it’s a good start. For the terms I could not find a definition for, I would either

A) Google it
B) see how the SHRM website defines it,
C) use one of my other resources to find a definition
D) go to Youtube to learn more.
2) SHRM-CP Exam by certexamdb Test Prep: You can find in here
I explored a few different practice exams, but this was by far the most useful. You cannot use this as your only resource, but it is a great start.
3) PHSPHR Professional in Human Resources Certification Study Guide by Anne Bogardus: You can actually find a PDF of this online for free. At some point throughout the study process (usually after a practice exam), you will likely realize that you need to go into more depth with certain concepts. This is where this study guide comes in. I didn’t read it word for word, but I spent a few hours skimming through it, went through some of the practice questions at the end of each chapter, and read in detail certain sections that I was weak on. This resource is very detailed but not too complicated which is great. I would highly recommend allocating 1–2 study days just for going through this resource. Keep in mind that it will provide you with more detail than you need, but you can just focus on the concepts that are relevant to the SHRM-CP.
4) SHRM-CP/SHRM-SCP Certification Practice Exams (All in One) by Kelly and Simon-Walters. About 10 days before my exam, I came across this resource which consisted of 500 questions that were broken down into each of the sections outlined in the SHRM BoCK. When I took the practice exam in the certexamdb Test Prep I scored terribly on the situational judgment questions. This book is GREAT for preparing you for those questions. Just keep in mind two things when using this resource:
It will consist of some questions with terms or concepts that you did not come across in any of the other resources — you can just ignore those (it’s extra information that you do not necessarily need), (2) the quick answer key has some inaccuracies (ignore it) but the answer key with detailed explanations is correct so make sure you use that when scoring yourself. Make sure you answer both the SHRM-CP and the SHRM-SCP questions (they are both relevant). This really helps with the situational judgment questions, but also with knowing how some of the terms and definitions apply in a real setting. When focusing on these questions, I realized that I had memorized some definitions, but I still didn’t know how to apply those concepts. This book helps with that.
5) Quizlet Flashcards created by other people — A lot of people have created quizlet sets (even from the Learning System) that they have uploaded. Those are free, so make sure you use them! Also, some people have even created practice sets for exam questions (which I think are from the learning system as well), so make sure you review those as well! Basic Study Tips: Unfortunately, without the Learning System, there is no single resource that you can use to prepare for this exam. Therefore, make sure you use a few resources just to make sure you get exposed to most of the material that will be on the exam. As you go through each resource, keep revising your flashcards and adding new ones. Make sure you periodically review flashcards as you go rather than waiting to cram everything in a week before the exam. When you go through practice questions, you will soon realize that you often need to know more than just the definition… you need to know when and how something applies as well. For example, you need to know what FMLA is, but you also need to know what the eligibility criteria is, when it is applicable, etc… I had one massive set of flashcards (about 500), and then I also had smaller sets of flashcards for some sections (e.g., a set for HR Laws, another set for Finance/Accounting terms). I would memorize using the smaller sets, but then I went through the giant set I had created a few days before my exam to make sure I knew everything. Do a ton of practice questions and understand why you got certain questions wrong.
6) SHRM LMS Books
Here’s a quick overview of the step-by-step process I took to study and prepare:

1. Go through SHRM-BoCK and create flashcards
2. Go through and memorize SHRM Learning System Flashcards (You can find these on Quizlet and search “SHRM Learning System”)
3. Take certexamdb Test Prep Practice Exam, review, and identify weak areas.
4. Go through the Bogardus PHSPHR book and focus on weak areas (fill in flashcards)
5. Memorize the newly created flashcards for weak areas, flag ones that you continually get wrong or confused with.
6. YouTube hazy concepts and terms to gain a richer understanding, use Khan Academy when applicable.
7. Retake certexamdb Practice Exam
8. Go through questions in the book by Kelly and Simon-Walters
9. Identify weak areas, read through explanations, create and memorize flash cards as needed
10. A few days before my exam, focus on my large stack of flashcards, go through other people’s flashcard sets, and go through practice exams on Quizlet.

Exam Experience and Takeaways
I finished the exam in a little over three hours. You get no breaks, but you can always take them as needed. Time is likely not going to be an issue. Here are some takeaways that I had about the exam: — There were surprisingly few questions on US Employment Laws & Regulations and Labor Unions. I spent a lot on these sections when studying, but there were not many questions at all on these topics. — The test questions were different than any of the practice exams I had taken (however you should be fine as long as you know the material) — The situational judgment questions can be exhausting with having to read 2–3 paragraphs for each 2–3 questions. — Make sure you carefully read the question. For example, you are often asked “what is the first step you would take” or “what strategy would you use.” These can be tricky, but they can also easily reveal the right answer. — No matter how hard you study, you will encounter a few questions where you come across terms that you’re unfamiliar with and you will have to guess blindly. Just try to eliminate what you do know is wrong and take your best guess. Don’t stress too much about it. — Use the highlight, strike through, and flagging options during the exam. It helps a lot. — Often, the correct answers for the situational judgment questions have something to do with (1) getting leadership buy-in, (2) having HR be a strategic partner, (3) making sure the action is aligned with the org’s mission and vision (4) HR being proactive, (5) doing a needs assessment of some sort, (6) having HR be some sort of facilitator.

I am gonna start my studies this 2024 winter for BSc Physics program.
I have some questions if anyone of you studying at LMU or even TUM Can answer based on their experience
(1) How hard is coursework at LMU for Physics bachelors? do you get any free time
(2) my Maths and Physics from high school is good enough (got 2A* in Physics and Maths A level). but I know that uni physics degree is something else. what should i do beforehand to make sure I don't fall behind and score good grades
(3) how are the professors like, do they teach their course well or not?
(4) Are there any classes in English or not (I am at C1 level, but still would want to improve)
(5) how tough are the exams and what sort of prep u need to do. i am sure the exams don't come from. profs. script. it most likely comes from a whole big books only. what do you do to get top grades
(6) will it be hard to complete the bachelors in 6 semesters or if we plan good and study more. can we complete in 6 sems (or highly unlikely I know, even less than 6 sems)
(7) do you get student research jobs or not ( i believe they look good on CV and you get good letter of recommendation from your profs for master)
(8) do students who complete their Bachelors and then masters have chances for any good jobs or not?
(9) although my last question can make u think otherwise, i am mostly interested to go into Research field. so if any of you know, how good is the Masters of Theoretical and Mathematical Physics (TMP) program by TUM and LMU jointly for further PhD prospects or I would want to go to Cambridge's Part III masters or Oxford MMathPhys masters course (1 year). any suggestions for both if you can ( I can't afford the bachelors even if i got into Oxford or Cambridge)
(10) is it easy find friends as international (I am from India), so that we can make study groups with them (which is obviously good to have)
(11) I also have offer from TUM as well btw, so if anyone of studied at TUM, you can answer the questions based on that as well. also what would you recommend more? TUM or LMU (only bachelors for physics). state some reasons too
(12) How would you compare the bachelors here in LMU or TUM compared to other great places like Cambridge, Oxford, ETH, EPFL and Imperial College London. is the course here in Germany more or less rigorous than these other great institutions
if anyone of you want to/can share, then pls tell the books your profs use or u yourself use for studies for Physics bachelors. I can use those in free time to have a easy time when i eventually start my uni

Cleared CISSP today after 4 weeks of on and off preparation. Had to answer 150 questions with 45 mins remaining. After reading this subreddit and hearing people insist no mock/practice is close to the real test, I decided to keep it minimum when it comes to resources.
Materials used:

1. OSG: Skimmed all contents, everything in italics and exam essentials section. Table of contents were my flashcards.
2. Learnzapp: 61% readiness score.
3. PeteZ’s cram video.

Couple of days before the exam: I came across a question, started blanking out and complicating basic concepts that I was clear before. Took this sign and decided to stop my preparation.
One thing that helped me: I cleared the CC by ISC2 last December (it was free of cost that time). So I guessed how grueling this is going to be, specifically the way ISC2 questions are worded. Also, it was the same exam center and same processing, familiarity helped in all ways.
When people say they thought they were failing during the exam: I understand what you meant.
Overall, the exam is made to be cruel however do not lose hope. All the best to those preparing and shout out to everyone that cleared at 125/100.
Experience: 4 years in IAM and 2 years as GRC.

Why didn't/couldn't Sidorovich, Barkeep and Sakharov recognize Strelok during SoC events?
This might seem like a plothole, but it actually isn't. Sid didn't know Strelok personally:
"Yeah, I've heard of a stalker by that name. Rumors is he's one of the few who went to the center of the Zone and made it back. Still, we got so many of these legendary stories about stalker heroes that I can't really guarantee anything. At any rate, I've never dealt with him personally. It seems he has his own trading channels. Anyhow, just ask the folks here in the Zone and you'll be sure to learn a lot more." Clear Sky confirms that his words are true, because during CS events it was Fang who had a business with Sidorovich and not Strelok.
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/A4Pxgp.jpg https://snipboard.io/piHsac.jpg
Barkeep's dialogue:
"An experienced stalker as far as I know. He used to "work" through the northern exits from the Zone. He was hardly ever seen here but there are rumors that he took his group right into the center of the Zone."
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/Y4EmM2.jpg
About Sakharov - There are plenty of possible explanations for the fact that he doesn't recognize Strelok, but the closest we have to an official explanation is included in the design document of the original storyline of the prequel, where it's said that Strelok's face was bandaged at the time:
"Strelok, whose face is still covered with bandages, comes to Sakharov and tells that he is planning a trip to the CNPP."
Of course, it's not really canon, but it still works.
Why won't military just bomb the Zone?
First of all, they already tried but failed:
"I can't really get into that - we've got some discipline in this place, after all. Our general Krylov certainly used to be a military man. I heard a few stories about how, just as the Zone formed, the government organized a military operation in here. They were sent to the very center of the Zone with an order to blow it all to hell with nuclear explosives. Can you imagine what that means? These guys were sent with no protection, no detectors, no information about what to expect in the Zone. Many perished in anomalies right off, and most of those who didn't were done in by an emission. The few survivors were left behind to die a slow death. General Krylov is one of those few. I don't know who he's pals with, but he hates the military ever since he and his buddies were sent straight to their deaths. He's got some connections in Spetsnaz though. Spetsnaz only got real men. Sometimes Duty crosses paths with them. That's pretty much it - consider it the abridged version." - Dialogue of Zvyagintsev
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/HP1pVq.jpg
Second of all, it's obviously a very bad idea.
"Everyone who believes in the Monolith is completely nuts. They keep banging on about it but nobody actually knows what's in the center of the Zone. An invisible crystal that fell from the skies...ha-ha-ha! I reckon one of the secret labs blew up - I mean some stalkers used to work in a few of them. But, obviously, you can't bomb the Zone. Not only will the radiation spread all over the world, half of Europe would be flattened by the Zone's reaction. "Someone" has gone totally mad lately - I heard they're killing normal stalkers for no reason at all. How do you like that? Damn fanatics." - Dialogue of Random 100 Rads Bar Dutyer
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/oWRgr0.jpg
Is the Zone growing?
Only SoC presents this idea. Neither Clear Sky nor Call of Pripyat mentioned anything about Zone's expansion. In fact, Hermann in CoP just said that Zone is evolving, while Loki directly said that it isn't getting bigger:
"They're idiots, that's what I think. I mean, why the hell would they want to destroy the Zone? it's not consuming precious resources or getting bigger... or anything. They could just sit there and study it to their heart's content - just think of how many scientific discoveries could be made... I mean, in the history of man-kind, no one has never been able to understand antigravitation, right? And in the Zone you've got ready-made antigravitation devices lying all over the place. It wouldn't hurt to kick their asses out of here, but it's too much hassle. By the way, don't be confused by our relations here at Yanov. We are at war... it's just that Yanov has been made neutral territory, if you know what I mean." - Loki
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/UQ8ZEO.jpg
If The Zone is practically known globally then how come we aren't seeing other world governments trying to send people of their own to study it?
"Right... I seem to remember you asking me about something last night, though I can't recall... Ah, got it. You wanted to know why it's only our eggheads messing around in the Zone. Curious why the foreigners won't show up, even though there's enough stuff here for thousands of Nobles prizes... Alright, let's see. First of all, what the heck do they need coming down here for, when they can simply pay some of our guys and get the results on a silver plate? Second of all, they've actually been there themselves, and quite a lot of them, too. It's just that in the last two years these gringos have been badly scared of going into the Zone..." - Fragment from PDA entry called "The chronicles of egghead globalists"
"Ever heard about Station Thirty-Two? That's where they all bit the bullet. It was all quiet at first, pretty much normal... They'd be reading their meters, taking samples, poking their gear into anomalies... And then they all started going nuts. Every friggin one of them. Everyone slowly going off their rocker. One of ours, the one that retired eventually, told me about it... Some actually ripped their own throats open, other would smash their heads against the wall, and some would simply... Gun in their mouth and... And then the beasts started swarming all over them. Those few who were still sane enough barricaded themselves in the house. You get the picture, right? Dark night, all the local beasties outside, and people going nuts one after another inside. In short, in the morning those who still had it together broke out of there somehow. Went straight on, even got caught in some anomalies... Got to the Rotten Forest... But none of those who had been left behind have been found. they say loads of controllers were recorded in that area. that's how it was... Since then, no one goes anywhere near Station Thirty-Two, and the foreigners steer clear of the Zone... " - Another fragment from that entry
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/ZEXgNy.jpg (Part 1) https://snipboard.io/gksjHB.jpg (Part 2) https://snipboard.io/Zc8W2G.jpg (Part 3.)
"There are always developments in the Zone, and they're always interesting. I already told you about Monolith - they're on everybody's tongue... Have you heard about a new major expedition into the Zone? Technically, they're environmental researchers from the UN, but that's just on paper. Sure, they got a couple four-eyed scientists, but just one look at all the others tells you they're seasoned fighters. No idea why they're here. Oh, and dig this: they're not using guides. Either they're being guided by satellite, or their mission is so secret that no one else could be let in on it. They seem to be approaching the Radar. I dunno how this will end, but I got a feeling it won't be pretty." - Dialogue of Hog
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/oejv2a.jpg
What happened to Scar?
There can be many answers to this question. Scar's fate could have turned out in many ways - perhaps, if the brainwashing process failed, he became simply zombified; if it was successful, he could've died while being transported in the death truck; if this didn't happen, he had a clearly defined task to perform, and could die while trying to do it; if he survived, he might still be wandering around the Zone as an amnesiac.
It's also possible that he simply died during the emission, or was captured but somehow managed to overcome the brainwashing process and escaped from whatever laboratory it was taking place in.
Monolith's weaponry. How do they have so many guns?
It can be partially explained by a couple of things. First thing that should be noted is that Monolith before trilogy used to be different faction. It can be assumed that they already had decent weapons (I have another post which includes dialogues about older Monolith) https://www.reddit.com/stalkecomments/1ax5u7x/interesting_facts_about_the_monolith_faction/
Second thing is that even rookies know that they gotta get better equipment before going deeper into the Zone:
"For now I'm just gaining experience and saving up some coin. As soon as I have enough, I'll buy me a good shooter and armor, and head straight for the center of the Zone. Rumor has it some guys already made it there and found the Wish Granter. That's where I'm gonna go. And when I find it, I won't go wrong with my wish, you can bet on that!" - Dialogue of Cordon Loner in Clear Sky
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/bqyuzA.jpg
And lastly, C-Consciousness Representative said "From the moment the Zone was formed, many people have tried to get to its center". Many people seem to think that Brain Scorcher only turns people into zombies, but it seems that it was also capable of converting them to Monolith:
"Brothers, as we were patrolling the outskirts of the Dark Forest we came upon an unfaithful loner. We did not kill him, seeing as he was already on his way to conversion, although he was still half-way in his animal state... Such is the wisdom of the Monolith: once again it revealed to us the true countenance of our enemies." - PDA entry called "A convert in the Black Forest"
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/jC2MPJ.jpg
About their suits - there can be more than 1 answer.
It's interesting to point out that Monolith suit was located in lab X-18. Either the faction stashed them there, or they were here before. A possible explanation could be that such suits were used by guards of the secret facilities in the Zone before the 2nd disaster
I think this is important to point out too
"Stalker suit from the Monolith faction. The producer is unknown. Its protective properties are slightly worse then those of the PSZ-9a military bulletproof vest. Its structure is similar to the suit popular with neutral stalkers which combines a bulletproof vest and a radiation protection suit. It provides good protection from gunfire. Its level of anomaly protection is low due to the absence of an air" - Description of Monolith Suit
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/XITJs4.jpg
"Stalker suit manufactured by "folk craftsmen". It is an effective combination of a light military bulletproof vest and of a rubberized fabric suit. It is reinforced with inserted kevlar plates and provides good protection from weak gunfire. All in all it is highly inefficient for carrying out deep raids and serious operations in the knots of the Zone." - Stalker Suit (Sunrise)
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/zMGpqd.jpg
Lastly, Yantar loner NPCs in Clear Sky mention in their dialogue mention very interesting thing:
"I heard a whole faction went missing in the Zone. You ever heard of Monolith? Well, they used to protect the Zone from others, but they made a move towards the center right before the Emission. Nobody has heard from them since, but recently some real aggressive stalkers have been attacking from where the Scorcher is, killing everyone and asking no questions. I know because I saw them myself around the military warehouses, and I reckon they might be those same Monolithians who disappeared. It wouldn't surprise me, because their uniforms looked real similar." Other than a fact that Monolith faction of the trilogy had members from older Monolith who wore similar uniform, dead bodies of Monolithians in Clear Sky, that are scattered over the Zone very well could be the dead bodies of older Monolith faction

Xue Feng Though the modern medicine has limited knowledge of human bodies, what we have known is enough for us to admire the excellent human body structure and functions. Each system and organ in the human body is designed by the Greatest Creator. Even those trivial body parts have great functions. For example, there are several types of hairs on human bodies with distinct forms and functions. The head hair is designed to protect and beautify the head. It can grow long. According to the Bible, “But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” The eyebrows can divert sweat and rain, preventing them into the eyes. That’s why they are lined above the two eyes. Eyelashes can prevent the dust and other things from entering the eyes. That’s why they are lined on the sides of the eyelids. Also they stand forward in a special curve because it wouldn’t hinder the eyesight or pierce into the eyes when closing the eyes. If the eyebrows and eyelashes are too long, they will hinder the eyesight. That’s why they wouldn’t grow as long as the hair or beards. The nasal hairs can filter the inhaled air. That’s why they grow inside the nostril and stand sideways and outwards. If they stand inwards, the other things will find it easy to come into the nostrils and difficult to go out. The armpit hairs can prevent the partial friction and help the sweat evaporate. Without the armpit hairs, we have to raise our arms. Otherwise the skin under the arm will become inflamed because of the friction and moist. Required by the function, the armpit hairs cannot grow as long as the head hairs, or as short as the eyebrows. Besides, they are soft and curving. If they are rigid and coarse, they will hurt the skin. And cilia grow on the intestinal epithelium. The cilia grow downward and vibrate together. The vibrating waves move downward from upward to help move down the intestinal contents. Cilia also grow on the airway and bronchus epithelium. However, they grow and vibrate in the opposite direction as those on the intestinal epithelium. Only in this way can they move the sputum upward to the throat and spit them. If they grow downward, the airway and bronchus would get stuck by the sputum and the humans would die from it. Now I wish to take two simple reflections of human bodies as an example. When foreign matters enter the nostrils or airways, they will arouse two protective reflections, sneeze or cough, which is designed to repel the foreign matters. But due to different situation, these two reflections differ in their approaches. The foreign matters in the nostrils are not urgent so the sneeze reflection can be prepared in a composed way. First, inhale slowly; open the mouth, and the soft place move upward to block the nostril. Then breathe in enough air through the mouth, and the pleural body contracts sharply to emit the air in the lungs quickly. When the emitting reaches its peak, the tongue rises abruptly to block the mouth to repel the air to go out swiftly through the nostrils. In this way the foreign matters in the nostrils are driven out. However, if the foreign matters enter the airway, it is an emergent situation. If the foreign matters are not driven out timely, the life will be put at risk. The inhaling is strictly forbidden because it will make the foreign matters go deeper and cause suffocation. So the cough doesn’t include the inhaling. Instead, the glottis closes immediately. At the same time, the pleural body contracts suddenly and adds the lung air pressure extremely. When the pressure is at its strongest point, the glottis opens suddenly and the lung air sends out explosively, compelling the foreign matters in the airway to the throat via the glottis. At this time, the soft place rises to block the nostrils. The foreign matters are spit out through the mouth. If the tongue and the soft place perform the same way as in the sneeze, the foreign matters emitted out of the airway will enter the nostrils, causing another trouble. In these two reflections, the body parts must cooperate closely. Any failure in the coordination will lead to the failure of the reflection, causing serious consequences. So these activities are not done freely. Instead, they are done as required by their functions and set procedures. These procedures are not learnt or practices. The program has been rooted in our brain nerve structure (nerve nucleus) when we are born. Otherwise, the babies will not survive. The advanced computer science has made it possible to simulate these activities. However, the simulation requires 3 conditions: 1. Device simulating the inhale and exhaling of human mouth, nose, throat, pleural and the sensing device; 2. The central control equipment simulating nerves and body system (compute, input and output devices). The above two devices are hardware. And software is also needed, namely (3). A program composed in strict compliance with the requirements to control the performance and procedure of each link, and arrange them in perfect coordination. All the three conditions are imperative. Otherwise the reflections can’t be realized. The program itself is not a substance structure. Instead, it is a smart use and spiritual result. There will be no such a thing as the program without the smart use. So we have to ask, the program is composed by the humans and stored in the computer, how about the control program in the human brain. Is it also composed by someone and stored in the human brain? Sneeze and cough are the simplest examples. There are numerous automatically controlled physical, bio-chemical and pathological human body activities, which are even more sophisticated than reflections of cough. Even today, some of them remain mysteries to us. So how are these sophisticated control programs composed? And where do they come from? Now let’s have a look at the sensory organs on human bodies. Why do we have two ears? The reason is that one ear is not able to identify the direction. With the ears lying on two sides of the head, the sound reaches the ears in sequence of time. Based on the slight receiving time difference, the brain can judge where the sound comes from. The auricle is the most outward component of the ear. It can introduce the sound into the external auditory canal. Within the auricle there is a thin layer of cartilage helping to retain the form of auricle, giving it wonderful elasticity and protecting it from the clashes. Without the cartilage, the auricle is just two useless pieces of skin hanging on the head side. If the thin bone is inside the auricle, it will break easily even if when you are sleeping on your side, damaging the auricle. There is fuzz on the outer segment of the external auditory canal preventing the sand and dust. The inner segment secretes cerumen to prevent insects. When foreign matters enter the external auditory canal, it will trigger head shaking, instead of sneeze or cough, to get the matters out. Because the external auditory canal is a blind passage, it is impossible to repel the foreign matters with air. Why don’t the foreign matters in the nostrils arouse the head-shaking reflection to repel them? That’s because the nostrils of humans almost lie in the middle of the head. The shaking is not able to produce enough centrifugal force. Besides, the human nostrils face downward and it is improper to repel the foreign matters by shaking the head. The sound is produced by the mechanical vibration of objects and is transmitted by the air fluctuation, or the sound waves. The human ears are actually working like a precise mechanical vibration monitor. In the inner ear there are a number of keyboards with different sizes, producing nerve impulses produced by echoing with corresponding frequencies. The brain, in accordance with the features of these impulses, identifies the strength, tunes and timbre of the sounds. We must note though there are many sensory organs in human bodies, only the inner ear is protected by the most solid and firm bones. In fact, it lies in the cave part of the temporal bone. Of all the sensory organs, only the ears monitor the mechanical vibration, which needs a relatively fixed position. Otherwise, it is not able to monitor the sound. If the inner ear lies in the soft tissues, when the sound wave arrives, the inner ear will vibrate with it. Thus it can hear nothing. Now the inner ear lies in the firm bone and it can’t sense the air vibration. So it is imperative to reduce the density waves to the mechanical vibrations before sending them to the inner ear. And there is such a reduction device at the middle bottom of the external auditory canal, which is called the eardrum. The eardrum has enough space to receive the air pressure. It is thin enough to vibrate when the sound wave arrives. Meanwhile, the eardrum is strong enough to push the transmission device. The long handle of the middle ear cartilage is attached to its inner side, the tensile force of which makes the eardrum sink inside slightly to maintain certain tension. This allows the eardrum to accurately reduce the arriving sound waves into the mechanical vibrations. No matter what the temperature is, the vibration function is not impacted. After the sound waves are reduced into the mechanical vibration, some rigid objects are needed to transmit the vibration to the inner ear. Of all body tissues, the most rigid objects are the bones. However, the bones are heavy in general and covered by the soft tissues, which are not suitable for the audio vibration. However, in the tympanic cavity between the eardrum and the inner ear, there are three unique tiny bones with delicate forms measured in millimeters. They are almost completely exposed to the air in the tympanic cavity. These three tiny bones are connected by ligament and form a transmission chain in curve with excellent audio vibration function, able to transmit accurately the vibration of the eardrum to the inner ear. The transmission device can properly multiply the weak vibration and reduce the strong sound wave. All of these structures are the super designs required by the acoustics. There are even smarter designs in the hearing organ. For example, to make the eardrum vibrate freely following the arriving sound waves, the two sides of the eardrums must be exposed to the air. As a result, there is a tympanic cavity full of air in the middle ear. If the cavity is filled by liquids, just as other cavities are, the eardrum is not able to vibrate because the liquids can’t contract. Besides, the cavity does not only need to be filled with air, but also needs to be connected to the outside world with a proper passage, to balance the static air pressure in the cavity with the outside air pressure. Otherwise, the air in the cavity will gradually be absorbed, causing the eardrum to sink excessively or damaging it. When the outside air pressure changes, (such as in mountain climbing, diving, the airplane takeoff or climate change), it will arouse uncomfortable feelings or lead to hearing malfunction. But the middle ear can’t be opened to the outside world directly, just like the external auditory canal or nostrils can. The reason is that the direct exposure will make the arriving waving sound reach the two sides of the eardrums at the same time via the external auditory canal and middle ear passage, counteracting the sound pressure. Thus the eardrums will not vibrate at all, unable to produce the hearing. So it is a difficult problem to connect the middle ear and the outside world. However, the human body, with a smart design, solves this problem. The middle ear is opened at the two sides in the upper rear of the pharynx via a half-opened passage (the so-called auditory tube). The auditory tube is locked in common times and only opened temporarily when taking the swallowing actions, balancing the air pressure in the middle ear shortly. After the swallowing action is over, the auditory tube is locked again. Apart from eating, human body would regularly take swallowing action unconsciously, even when he or she is sleeping. Thus the air pressure in the middle ear can be adjusted from time to time and avoid the hearing from being hindered. Besides, when swallowing, the swallowing segment and the soft palate will definitely rise, blocking the mouth and nostrils against the outside world. So on the moment when the ear and throat are opened shortly, though the air in the throat can enter the middle ear, the sound waves from the outside world are blocked against the middle ear. As a result, the hearing will not be interfered and can receive the outside sound and voice. Only the throat in the body can meet the special demand of the hearing organs. The throat is originally designed as part of the digestion and breathing system, it does not belong to sensory system. However, it can cooperate so smartly with the hearing organs. We have to admire the extremely delicate body-wise design. The vestibule in the inner ear controls the balance of the body. In the vestibule there are 3 semicircular canals. When the body loses balance, the mutually-vertical semicircular canals produce the balance impulse, which triggers the corresponding reflection via the balance center in the medulla brain. Why are there 3 semicircular canals instead of 2 or 4? And why are they mutually vertical? The reason is apparent. Humans live in the 3-dimensional space. There are 3 mutually-vertical movement directions, namely, front and rear, left and right, upward and downward. So the 3 mutually-vertical semicircular canals can monitor the movements. The number less than 3 or more than 3 would be insufficient or redundant. We can see the delicate and smart structure and function, and the supreme wisdom in them. They can’t be the accidental results. As the most important perception of human bodies, vision provides more information than that provided by all other perceptions. The vision is the perception of image and space and the visual organs must have the most precise and accurate structure completely different from other sensory organs. As a result, in the perspective of the embryo-genesis or neuro-anatomy, the main structure of the eyes is not just the common receptor. Instead, it is part of the cerebral cortex. The so-called optic nerves are completely different from other cerebrospinal nerves. In essence, the optic nerves are inner structure in the brain, transmitting the most sophisticated visual information. The eyes function like a precise camera. The retina composed of the photoreceptor cells is just like the films. The crystal, iris and the cornea works like the lens, diaphragm and the filter. However, the precision and automatic adjustment of the eyes is no match of any high-quality cameras. For example, the lens in modern cameras is made of special glass or hard plastics with fixed focal distance. When taking pictures for the landscapes with different distances, the lens position must be adjusted. Otherwise, the image will not be produced on the films. But this is an awkward approach. Imagine when the eyes are watching landscapes with different distances, the eyeballs have to protrude or recess alternatively, which looks ugly or damages the health and function of the eyes. However, the crystal in the eyes are transparent and elastic colloid, which can adjust automatically the focal distance in accordance with the distance of the objects to make sure all the objects can be imaged on the retina, without changing the position of the crystal. Such automatic adjustment function can’t be fulfilled by any camera. If we observe the eyes in the perspective of modern TV technologies, the eyes are more like the television camera, but thousands of times more precise than the television cameras. The TV image is composed of dense pixels (the mixed dark or brilliant light spots). Till now, the best TV image only contains less than 1 million pixels. However, the human eyes can produce image containing 20 billion pixels. Only the eyes can see the details of objects. No matter how clear or accurate the image is, it is still a plan view image. Then how the eyes can provide the dimensional image is a key issue of providing the complete vision. But it is not an easy task at all to convert the flat view image into the dimensional one. For a long time, people have been puzzled by how the conversion is done. Of course, we later knew the smartness and delicacy of the human body shown here. The two eyes send the flat view images they receive into the same nerve center, which contrasts and analyzes the images and judges the distance of the objects based on the slight visual angle difference caused by the position difference of the two eyes. Thus the dimensional image is produced. That’s why people have to have 2 eyes to establish the complete vision. Based on such understanding, humans have invented the dimensional movies. But the above is only the external process of how vision is formed. People have little knowledge about how the visual center works inside. We have to admit that the mysteries of human body structure and functions are beyond the intelligence of mankind. As a matter of fact, the distance judgment with two eyes is the triangulation technique which is precise and automatic. The accurate measurement needs two premises. First, the two eyes must focus on one object at the same time. Otherwise, there will be double vision, which means the one objects will be seen as two objects. As a result, the complete neuromuscular system is equipped on the outside of the eyeballs, making the eyeballs the most flexible and accurate organs. The ciliary muscle inside the eyeballs can adjust the conversion rate of the crystal at any time to focus on the object and form the clearest image. Second, the retina of the two eyes must be strictly symmetrical. Otherwise, the image contrast of the two eyes will become impossible. Furthermore, the images received by the two eyes must be transmitted at the same time to the same visual center for contrast and analysis. There are two visual nerves on the left and right side of the brain, supervising respectively the two sides of the vision field. The objects in the left of the vision field are reflected, via the eye pupil, on the retina of the right sides of the two eyeballs. The corresponding images in the two eyes, via the visual nerve, are sent to the visual center on the right side of the brain. The objects in the right of the vision field are reflected, via the eye pupil, on the retina of the left sides of the two eyeballs. The corresponding images in the two eyes, via the visual nerve, are sent to the visual center on the left side of the brain. The two visual nerves contrast the corresponding images coming from the eyes and produce the full-field dimensional images. The pairs of human parts are often symmetrical on the outside. Only the retinas are symmetrical in the same position. Namely, the left side is symmetrical to the left side and the right side symmetrical to the right side of the two retinas. That’s because the light rays come in directly. Otherwise, the visual centers can’t receive the corresponding images or get the coordinated vision. The structural symmetry of the retinas in the two eyes must be accurate to the utmost. Otherwise the images in the two eyes will not comply with each other and the ambiguity will occur. Besides, the corresponding images from the two eyes must be sent to the same visual center. Thus the optic nerves must have the corresponding special structure to realize the cross-transmission of the images. This is the unique “chiasma opticum” unique to the optic nerves. This function is not possessed by any other nervus cerebrospinalis because they don’t handle the information of images and space. If we use the computers and monitoring cameras to simulate the process of human vision, the input network of the computers has to have a similar chiasm. No other design can do it. Judging from the above, we can find all the human organs, structures and functions have shown the supreme wisdom. And these are the ways they should be. Some people think that human body has some useless organs, such as the thymus gland, appendix, tonsil and coccyx, in order to prove the human structure is imperfect. Some people used to believe that these organs were not that useful. Instead, they tend to arouse diseases such as appendicitis and tonsillitis. If these organs are cut off, it will not have much impact on the human body. In the past, people used to classify spleens and other organs into the useless organs. There was a list of useless organs in the past which included over 100 organs. But the list was long not because these organs are useless but because people at the time were ignorant. As more we know about the organs, most of them have been deleted from the list and there are only a few still remain in the list. Some people think that these organs are the leftovers of human evolution, which are called the “waste back organs” and use them as one of the evidences of evolution theory. This is a complete misunderstanding. Till not we have understood there are no such things as the “obsolescent organs”. It is simply the lack of knowledge of these organs. Take the thymus gland as an example. In the past, people didn’t know its function. Now we have understood it is the warning device of the human body against the inner and outer infection sources. As a result, the thymus gland contributes a lot to the human health. Another example, if the coccyx fractures, it will cause serious functional disturbance. So the coccyx is also an imperative part of human body. Some people might say these organs can trigger diseases. Then all human organs can lead to diseases, even brain and heart are of no exceptions. Why don’t we say the brain and heart are useless? Some organs, though they are not as important as the heart and brain and wouldn’t endanger life immediately when eliminated, are also useful. Just like if the hands or feet are lost, though not fatal, the human body is handicapped. After knowing the supreme and smart design of human structures and functions, you might want to know how they come into being. Who has designed and made such sophisticated and precise organs? We cannot avoid the question. Any truth-seeking person would admit that the extremely delicate organs and structures are not produced naturally or accidently. For instance, if someone gives you a top-class camera and tells you it is a natural one without designer or manufacturer; do you think his words are scientific and acceptable? The human body, which is even more delicate, accurate, flexible and practical, must have a supremely wise and capable creator behind it. On a spring Sunday morning in 1954, I saw a young stranger sitting in the chamber of a Church. When we started to talk, I knew that he was a student at Peking Union Medical College. He said to me, “Since I studied anatomy and physiology, I have felt the human body is really a wonder. It is not possible to understand it unless we interpret the wonder with a God.” He came to the church to seek an answer. The wonder of this young man is not the only example. I remember that when I was studying anatomy and physiology in school, some students surrounded our physiology teacher and kept asking him questions. Finally, the teacher, annoyed by so many questions, told us, “Please stop the questions because they will lead to religion in the end.” Because of the special political background at the time, the teacher’s warning silenced all the students. But his warning impressed me deeply and remained in my memory till today. My thought at that time was that the teacher was right because all the things were created by the God. Though he was not a Christian, he had to admit the truth and the further probe into the human body mysteries (part of the Universe mysteries) would definitely lead to the existence of the God (religion) in the end. Otherwise, it would be impossible to explain the wonders of the human body. The Bible says, “For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse.”(1:20 Romans 1) Was the teacher demonstrating his scientific spirit? No. The scientific spirit means the truth and boldly pursuit of the truth without avoiding any controversy. The teacher knew very clearly that one more step forward would lead to the God but he dared not move onto the path towards the truth. Instead, he asked his students to stop there. It has shown that many people refuse to admit the existence of God not because they don’t have the scientific spirit but because of the social pressure, individual consideration for their interest and prospect, just as what the teacher was doing at that time. Nevertheless, the existence of the God would not change. And we cannot live in such considerations for the reality forever. One day in the future, when we have to face the ultimate choice, we will have to face the supreme master who has created the Universe and the human beings. The Bible says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment.” If we don’t accept the immoral God now, we have no excuse when it comes to the day. When we talk about the origin of all things in the Universe, some young people often ask, “You have said the humans are created by the God, then who has created the God?” The analogizing logics seem to be reasonable. But it is not true. Because the God is the creator instead of the created, you can’t link these together. The table is made by the carpenter. But you cannot say the carpenter and the table have the same origin. Human benings’ understand of the God is only limited to the enlightenment from the God to the humans. Otherwise, humans cannot understand the mystery of God’s nature. The God says, “I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.” (Exodus 3:14 and Revelation 1:8). For the God, there is only the eternality, and there is no time, beginning or ending. Even in the scientific field, too many analogizing questions won’t be tolerated. One scholar was talking about the belief in the God with his students. One student asked suddenly and proudly, “Where does the Universe come from?” The scholar answers, “The Universe is created by the God.” The student continued to ask, “Who has created the God?” The scholar answered, “The God is Alpha and Omega and I am not created.” The student said, “This is not scientific at all.” The scholar then asked the student, “Where does the Earth come from?” The student answered, “The Earth comes from the Sun.” The scholar continued to ask, “Where does the Sun come from?” The student answered, “The Sun comes from the Galaxy.” The scholar asked again, “Where does the Galaxy come from?” The student hesitated and answered, “The Galaxy comes from the nature.” The scholar continued to ask, “Where does the nature come from?” The student couldn’t answer this question and said in anger, “The nature is the nature and comes naturally.” The scholar then laughed, “This is not scientific at all.” So we can conclude that the “scientific” answers are not scientific. Another example is that the sciences tell people that substances are composed of the molecules. Then what are the molecules composed of? The molecules are composed of the atoms. But what are the atoms composed of? They are composed of the electrons, protons and neutrons. Then what are the electrons, protons and neutrons composed of? Till now, we cannot find an answer to this question. The atomic physicists are now working hard to find the “elementary particle”. They are called “basic particles” because the scientists don’t expect the substances to be divided limitlessly. So they believe that one day they will find the ultimate component, the “elementary particle”. Of course, the scientists will not ask such question of “what is something composed of?” This is the extremity and everything ends here. The materialists claim that the Universe is limitless and that the materials are eternal and can be divided limitlessly, etc. They are simply the groundless conclusion of the philosophers. And there is an extremity in their logics, the materials. They say that the materials are Alpha and Omega but can’t tell where the materials come from. Now let’s have a look at the math. All numbers come from 1, followed by 2, 3…. You can’t ask what the 1 is because 1 is 1, and not other numbers. It means that 1 is the origin of all numbers. The Greatest Creator has created all things and the Greatest Creator is the origin of them. It will be meaningless to ask where the Greatest Creator comes from.

I passed the FNP exam with ANCC!!! I’m honestly still riding my emotions. 🥹💙😭 I wanted to share what I used as my study materials. They were either helpful or not helpful. Please do understand that this is just based on my views of the study materials. Everyone has their own different experiences and opinions. I studied for 2 months before taking my exam.
Note: I have 7 yrs of experience as a RN primarily in cardiac ICU and oncology.
Study Materials 1) UWorld Q-bank (Not helpful) 2) Leik Book (Helpful & recommend) 3) Sarah Michelle 1 Day Crash Course (Not helpful) 4) ANCC/ANA Practice Exam (Helpful & recommend)
*UWorld Q-bank: I used UWorld back when I prepped for the NCLEX so I was stoked when I found out they recently launched a FNP Q-bank. UWorld is good for those who don’t want to read through a textbook. The questions are accompanied by very thorough rationales. However, I felt like the rationales did not focus too much on treatment plans or pharmacology. It was great at explaining pathophysiology. But when it came to treatment, there would be phrases like “This disease will need medical treatment or this infection will need antibiotics.” It wouldn’t go into depth as to what medications would be recommended or prescribed. With UWorld, the questions were also very lengthy and did not correlate much with the format of the ANCC exam. There is a category for professional practice/ethics, but it had maybe less than 40 questions.
*Leik Book: An upperclassman recommended Leik to me as a study tool. I purchased the e-book version which did not come with the Q-bank. Leik was very thorough and helpful. I liked that the rationales included medications that would needed to be prescribed or recommended. The book also had tips and pointers along the way such as “this may be a possible ANCC or AANP question/topic.” Leik also explains the difference between ANCC and AANP questions which I found was super handy as testing strategies. At the end of each chapter were knowledge review questions which were either 10-40 questions long. There are also 2 practice exams at the end of book.
*Sarah Michelle 1 Day Crash Course: I know a lot of students swear by Sarah Michelle courses. I enrolled for this course 1 week before my exam date. This is a rapid course that covers all the body systems with 2 instructors. The course provided a study guide for the students to follow along. I don’t know if it’s the ICU nurse in me, but I felt the outline and organization of the session was very hard to follow. One minute we would be reviewing a question about GI and the next question would be about cardiac or endocrine and then back to GI. Alot of students mentioned in my session they would have preferred if it was structured to be 1 system with all the questions instead of jumping around too. But information wise, this review session does not go into full details. If you want to know about the explanations for diagnosis, interventions, and treatment/management, this review is not for you. This was a rapid fire question review session. A lot of the times, the instructors referred to alot of mnemonics which I was not familiar with. I’m assuming they were covered in the regular SM courses.
*ANCC/ANA Practice Exams: My advise… don’t freak out about the topics that were on the practice exams lol. I bought the practice exam to familiarize myself with the formatting of the questions. You wont need to know things like reportable diseases (which scared me because I did not study that at all). But the ANCC exam did similarly follow the practice exam format. I definitely felt less stressed as I was taking the FNP exam. The questions are more theory based than clinical base. But having studied mostly clinical scenarios, you can pretty much narrow your options down to 2 answers.
I hope this post helps everyone who will be taking their boards! Remember to breathe!

So this feels like one that on paper is really obvious but in reality is so much harder to handle.
I(F32) have a very good friend F(31) who I’ve known since school. We have been friends for almost 20 years. She was my bridesmaid and I am almost certain I will (or would have been) hers instead.
Lately my friend has gone through so much. She moved home from living abroad and I know she’s feeling really lost. She is living with her parents, she’s single (not for any reason - was in a long term relationship and it didn’t work out), she had no job for a while but is now working in a school she said she would never work in and on top of that a very young member of her family is battling an extremely aggressive form of cancer.
All of this is horrific for one person to go through, I hate seeing her struggling and I am doing my best to be there for her without overhwhelming her. I send her messages every week or so to update her on my life (just to give her something to listen to that’s not about her own worries) and I ask about her and her family. Most of the time she ignores these and that’s absolutely fine. I know her long enough to know how overwhelmed she gets and how much she struggles with anxiety, even before all this happened.
The thing is though, I also travel to her to see her and she says she can’t wait to see me but then just doesn’t respond on the day. I’ll get an apology a few days later and she will tell me how busy she was and how she forgot.
It was becoming so frequent I was getting a bit frustrated. She’s always saying she’s so busy, which I understand, but it’s beginning to feel now a bit rude. I’m busy too. I have a son, a new house, a new puppy who requires a lot of time and attention, a part time job, I’m studying for my professional accounting exams, I’m part of a running club and training for a half marathon.
I 100% understand what she’s going through, but at what point am I just being a bit pathetic constantly showing up and getting stood up. When she does meet me or message back she always says how much she loves me, our friendship etc. she’s always so apologetic. I honestly can forgive her anything but today I feel hurt..
We had plans to go for a walk. I will have class all day but I made a point to get up extra early so we could meet up and I sent her a message to confirm it’s still going ahead. Not only did she not reply but she of course didn’t show up.
I haven’t heard from her at all. She’s completely within her right to not want to prioritise our friendship. She doesn’t have to meet me or hang out, but is it not so rude to be a full adult and have that little respect for your so called best friends time?
For my own mental health I feel I need to step back from this. Stop reaching out, stop trying, but on the other hand I really love her, she’s a beautiful girl inside and out and she’s going through a lot.

I had three friends whom I've known a little over a year; we're in the same class. We weren't super close, but still hung out at school and texted each other occasionally.
6 months ago, I was diagnosed with a burn-out because a lot of bad things happened in a short time-span, and they knew about all of it. I told them I wouldn't be able to attend classes in a while, but that I'd still be studying from home as often as possible. Of course they understood and told me to take my time and to ask for help if I needed it.
However, I made the mistake of only reaching out to them if I needed help, without me realizing it. Socializing in general drains my energy a lot in my current state, so I was way too focused on keeping up with school and not so much on maintaining our friendship. They quickly called me out on it and told me that they felt used by me if I only texted them when I need something. I told them that they were right and that I'd try and be a better friend to them again.
I kept my promise by starting to be more active in our group's chat again, but it kind of felt like they were ignoring my texts at this point. They were only responding to each other, not to me. I thought maybe we just needed to see each other again and reconnect. But when I went to school for the exams, I got the same treatment. I walked up to them and greeted everyone, but they barely even acknowledged my presence. I got a small "hi" before they continued talking to each other. And it went like that the entire week.
Now I realize I missed a lot while I was gone for a few months; they knew more about each other than I did at this point, so it was difficult to jump into the conversations they were having. Maybe I seemed too passive to them, idk. I tried asking about their lives, but I received really curt answers and then they went back to ignoring me. And they never once asked about me. I felt really unwelcome and unwanted the entire time.
After the week of exams, I stopped responding in our group's app because it genuinely felt like they were done with me. What I find strange about it though is that they directly asked me to be a better friend, but then they didn't give me the chance to be one. Anyway, a few weeks later they told me that they would be making a whole new group's chat without me in it because I wasn't active in it anyway and they "didn't want to spam me with their messages".
It's been a month since I've completely stopped talking to them and I dread going back to school for upcoming exams because I'll have to see them again.
AITA for not contacting them anymore? For not trying harder?

Sorry for the long paragraph. I don't know which community is right. I am new here.
just to give you a bit of background, yes I changed it a little,
I would appreciate it if any of you take the time to read it. it took a lot to share my problems.
So, um when I was in class 8. We have a board exam that year. So I kinda started my year with a banger. I was studying more attentively. I was being more present in class. I was answering questions. I never answer unless the teacher picks me, which rarely happens. I am a good student. This makes me a bit arrogant, cuz if I got such decent results by not even properly studying, I don't need to stress. So yeah. My year was going super good. And boom covid fucking started. And even tho I was super studying. I am way too lazy too. Now that we were in lockdown. I completely abandoned my books. Forget studying. I was on my phone all day. Like actually all day. To give a bit more info. Class 8 has a board exam. Class 9,10 are studied with the same books, it's where we choose majors like science, commerce, and arts, I was a science student. 11,12 is college and we still have majors like science, commerce, and arts, still choose science. After that is uni. Class 8,9 went like this. Then in class 10. We finally went to school. Like I said classes 9, and 10 are the same book. Soo, I didn't touch my book for a year now I know nothing. That went like this. In the class sitting helpless cuz I know nothing. Then my sister told me about her tutor, so me and my friend went to him. He, we will call him C, introduced us to his friend, and we'll call him K who also became our tutor. Side note, I got comfortable with K, way more than C. K was kinda of my motivation, I wanted to make him proud, but I didn't, I failed. I haven't called him in a year. I am so sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you of all people. But I did.
I think since all I did during lockdown was be on my phone I am still kind of stuck at that age in some ways, mentally. I am almost 18. I was 13 when COVID started. Me and my mum were in some bad blood at that time, probably she asking me to study, but I not. Other than studying for my tutor's homework. I didn't touch my books enough. Suddenly it was exam time. It was a fucking board exam. It would decide my college. To be honest, even at that point I don't think I ever realized the importance, the gravity of the exam. I was prepared I'd say 60%. And yeah. when it was exam time, she became all affectionate. Bringing me milk, stay with me at night. You better believe I fucking hated that. I wanted to be alone. she didn't leave me alone. She was in my room. I hated her sooo much at that time. Just leave me alone na. So just to fucking spite her I didn't study until she was here. I would be on my phone and phone and she still wouldn't leave so I went to study at around 1 or 2 at night. In case you couldn't tell I was heavily dependent on my phone at that time just to well forget what's happening in my life. I kinda got addicted, maybe. So even if I was watching videos I was making plans about how I would study and all. In my head. I was preparing myself mentally. Guess who it took to crash all of this down. Yes, my one and only mum. While I was encouraging myself and all, my mum would come and be like you don't study, look at the maid's daughter doing much better than you ever will. My luck was this bad that I was your mum and all that shit. My maa always talks about how she didn't have to worry about me ever cuz I did everything myself. I don't understand what she thinks this will make me feel. Maybe I didn't want to do shit alone. Now that I truly want to be left alone, yall up my ass.
You think I will study now. Hell, nahh. So I didn't. Some day I went to my exam after barely reading the book at around 8. My exam starts at 10. Yeahhh. good times. It went like this all exam season. Of course, I didn't do well. I got a GPA of 4.52. Of course, I wasted all my free time for 6 months after the exam. I bed rotted the whole 6 months and more. I put on a lot of weight. Soo, I got very insecure. So when me and my friends went to the same tutor I also went there. But suddenly everything was new. I couldn't get past if I went like I was before. I went for a month maybe. I got behind them. I got so scared and insecure. All of them got into the government college there. Only I didn't. I got more insecure being there. I felt like I couldn't catch up even if I tried. So I did what I am best at. Run away. The college started with me bed rotting. I put on a lil more weight. I got even more insecure. It's been almost a year since then, I can count the times I went. Not more than a week. And the half-yearly exam, I failed it's my fault. I didn't study. Only time was passing by. I still am where I was a year ago. In my bed rotting. I haven't touched them, my textbooks, I mean it, they are still brand new. Now my final is in a month. I am still in my bed rotting. I just am soo insecure with my weight and study now. I can't bring myself to study. I feel like I already failed. More my mum started staying with me cuz it's hella hot. I felt like me studying would make her win. I would lose the battle I started. My brain is like unless someone tells me step-by-step detailed instructions on how to do life, I can't do shit. What do I do?? I am so lost mentally. I am just soo scared that I will be the one left behind. I mean I already am. My friends are not mine anymore. I am just one of many of theirs. I fear I would be left behind to rot. I know I am not some saint. I know what I am doing isn't what I of all people should be doing. But how do I win against my brain? It's like if I can't catch up with everyone in a day then it isn't worth trying. If I can't lose that weight, it isn't worth trying. What do I do?? I can't go to a gym. Can't jog or stuff. My mother becomes angsty if I starve. What do I do? Sometimes I just want to disappear for a while.
truth be told, I have no motivation. I don't have anyone, I am willing to work for, not even myself, parents, a better life, everything I dreamt of, future, nothing seems worthy. the only thing I can do is daydream. I understand I am not hardworking as much as I should be. I am quite privileged in life. but I don't know what to do. I am like a sponge, I am all my environment is. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate myself like this. I want to change. I like studying. I like knowing things. I just physically can't bring myself to do the necessary things. it feels like I already lost, I can never catch up. it's upon me to get into a good fucking university, even if I plan to go abroad for higher study.. see I have soo many dreams, yet I can't bring myself to work for them. it's like I am being physically stopped. I am just waiting for something to happen that will be the push I need, but I fear it will be too late then. it's my life I don't need a reason to change myself, especially when I know that this version is doing me more damage than good. I guess it seems from the fact that others know this version, and change is terrifying, especially when you are alone. I am always jealous of the people that have somebody to look up to. I have a lot to add. But I just need to do this it's been 2 days since I wrote it. Sorry if there are any typos. Thank you, if you took the time to read all that. -♡♡

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

As the title says, I passed step 1 on the second attempt. After I failed, I scoured reddit for other "redemption" posts, but there are far and few. So, for those people who, like me, failed on the first attempt and are looking for a piece of hope on the internet - this is for you.
I'll to keep it brief - I'm a US-IMG, started prep in April 2023, gave my first attempt in November 2023. I did 80% UW by then, and I had given nbmes 25, 26, 27, 29, 30 and 31 (all online, 27 was the only offline one I did) by September, and they ranged from 45 - 55% but, I felt like my main problem was recalling information. So from September to November I worked on revising and reviewing the nbmes.
The thing is, I was super burnt out by November, and I didn't revise as well as I should've. I ended up getting a tonnnn of neuroanatomy questions and some GIT questions which I really muddled up. I also got a lot of antimicrobial qs, which I wasn't very strong in.
I got the F, cried, had no idea what to do. But my parents pushed me to give another attempt and so i restarted prep.
December and Jan, i went through BnB for Neuro and GIT, and started UWorld again. Did about 40-80 qs per day, and this time i made sure to do 100% of the question bank. I think doing the questions multiple times helped me retain the informtion better, becuase mugging up from the book was not working for me.
Feb onwards began dedicated prep, i took the Amboss SA first - scored a 204. Took the Lecuturio test 3wks after that, got a 217. So, not bad but still in the low pass area. I then started taking all the nbmes again, but this time i wrote down why I thought it was the answer along with the answer option. This helped me understand whether I was guessing/remembering the answer, or if I actually knew the concepts. In these nbmes I scored 66-70%
In the end of March i took Nbme 28 which was compeltely new - got a 67%. I realised that i felt okay with my prep, i could see the improvement in myself, and decided to book the exam for April 24th.
The last one month was the crucial period for me. I didnt want a repeat of the first attempt so i made sure to keep studying, even when i didnt want to. I made a huge spreadsheet of each NBME topic, wrote down the typical clinica history that is seen in the topics, and the related qs that are being asked (like, what enzyme, what drug, etc etc). I used UWorld to search for the topics, and read through all the questions that came up to get an idea.
I realised that in the first attempt, i was just looking to get the answer right; this time i made sure i know why the other answers were wrong, and tried to recall what the question stem wouldve been like if the other options were the answer. This kind of changed the game for me, and i think is what definitely made me pass. Ive always been a bad test taker, and always sucked at eliminating options - so developing that skill was the key.
I took free 120 new - got a 73% and prayed that id pass the real deal. Wrote the exam on 4/24, the exam was shit. I could tell the question pool had changed, the ethics qs were sucky af and the stats (which i pride myself on being an expert in) were so weird. I definitely felt like i was gonna fail and proceeded to spend the next 3 weeks wallowing on my bed. But luckily, the odds and gods seemed to be in my favor and i ended up passing.
TL;DR My resources:
UWorld, NBMES, Mehlman PDFs (went thru all subjects, but i read the HY Arrows and Neuroanat pdf 3 times) I also used Amboss for ethics and psych/substance abuse questions (becuase id done the UW questions multiple times already, wanted a new source to test myself)
What i did differently the second time: did 100% UW, reviewed all nbme topics and whatever topics i felt were important by trying to understand what the main clinical pictures would be like, and focussed on being 100% confident in eliminating the options, not just recognizing the rignt answer.
Failing sucks, and its really hard to pick yourself up, but the way I looked at it was - the best thing that could happen is that I pass. The worst thing is that I fail, and I already did that, so what's one more time? Lol. Anyway, good luck and you got this.

My baby’s first birthday just passed and I’ve been reflecting a lot on why this arrangement and relationship didn’t work for me. As per my past posts, I recently left my relationship with our child and there are lots of reasons why. We came together as a ‘family’ to celebrate ours baby’s birthday as it was the mature thing to do / that’s what he wanted so I happily obliged. As an ex-‘stepmom’, we have lots of feelings that are often ignored, we are silenced as we’re not the ‘real parent’ however are expected to act and love and care like real mother’s do. Most of the emotional and domestic labour falls on us, particularly because we’re female and these partners can’t be assed half the time with doing this stuff. I’m not quite sure it’s the same for stepdads but I’d love to hear more about your experiences. Here’s what I reflected on… it’s a long one sorry! - I hated how the SKs were raised. They don’t have to answer people when they’re spoken to (waiters, doctors, relatives etc) which I find embarrassingly rude. They look unkempt and messy, this is especially mortifying in public. I’m not talking about grubby little babies, that’s to be expected, but 7 - 14 years old should be well groomed; not roll out of bed and go out for the day in their grotty tracksuits. They’re iPad kids and are allowed to be on them 24/7 which I don’t agree with. They don’t even leave the house on the weekends to go out and do activities at either house unless it was me taking them (and paying for it too!) this is not how I would raise my child. It’s 100% their parents’ fault. - it fell on me, as a first time mom, to foster relationships between the half siblings. Their dad would hang back whilst he would expect me to ensure they are present for bath time or other important things concerning my baby. To be breastfeeding, pumping around the clock on zero sleep and then having to sit there and try to force an iPad kid to care was exhausting and quite frankly not my job, especially whilst their dad is sitting there on his phone. - the financial aspect. It was expected of me to pay half for children which aren’t mine. This included the house he rented which included two extra bedrooms that I didn’t need, the groceries which would fill their lunchboxes, the ingredients for dinner(s) that would all be gobbled up in one fell swoop plus leisure activities and outings. I would never expect a new partner to pay half for my child, ever. - the constant comparisons between half siblings by their dad and his family. No one wants to hear about how similar the children look (especially when they don’t) when the other kids were to somebody else. No new mom wants to hear about the baby mama’s birth, how she handled pregnancy or first time motherhood, whether she handled it ‘like a champ’. It’s extremely hurtful as everyone is different ! - joining a family doesn’t mean that your own experiences or traditions get cancelled out. I hate when my ex would say “well you joined our family!”. Nope, you also got together with me and I have cultural traditions which are important to me too and important that my child celebrates them as well (like making a big deal about birthdays! I love to celebrate them; they are indifferent). - made to feel like none of my first time mom experiences mattered. There was never any excitement from him towards our baby’s achievements. As a first time mom, everything my baby achieves is unbelievable (like clapping, laughing etc) To him, his children always either did it faster, better, in a funnier way. I didn’t need to hear about those experiences, they weren’t relevant to my experience. I also wasn’t allowed to recoup from my c-section as they came home and partner couldn’t help me as he had to ‘tend to them’. - never feeling at home in the home. Of course his children should feel comfortable at home with their dad, I don’t dispute that, but sadly I didn’t feel like I could be myself there. I couldn’t breastfeed my child in front of the TV or have my own quiet time to just read or decompress. I either had to listen to YouTube on maximum volume or be forced to be smushed into the corner of the couch so they could spread out on their games. I found myself escaping all the time and felt so much happier when they weren’t around. - the relationship not being worth it to endure bad behaviour, tantrums etc. Sadly without the biological bond, it’s much harder to accept bad behaviour from children that aren’t yours, especially ones you can’t discipline. I just found that our relationship wasn’t worth all the bad times. The bad outweighed the good. - no effort being put into our relationship. He couldn’t be bothered doing anything socially, hardly was affectionate etc. He claims he’s depressed but he has no problem travelling solo. He’s just depressed that he doesn’t have a live in nanny / maid that does everything for him regarding the kids.
That’s all I can think of for now. There’s probably so many more but my brain hurts from overwhelm lol Would love to hear if any of these reasons resonated with you & if you’ve stuck it out this far, thank you for reading!

*CONTAINS SWEARING*
This is gonna be a hefty and most likely triggering post for specific groups of people out there (meaning people who struggle with anger, people who don't want poltical content/opinions etc), so please stop reading and leave if you figure this is gonna be rough for you. This will (mainly) be about the conflict between Palestine and Israel. (and apparently a long one) No hate towards any specific groups of people, but I do have a lot of *frustration regarding behaviours*.
Before I start, I want you to remember some facts about me as you read;
I am autistic
I am heavily influenced by world peace, hate, racism and other unfair situations
I have incredibly high standards for myself that I strive to not break, including, but not limited to, being kind and respectful *always*, despite being in a bad mood, not liking someone, or disagreeing, especially political disagreements
I have always, and will always, stand against widespread hate, racism and other discrimination towards any specific religions, ethnicities, nationalities, cultures, etc.
I also want you to know that I named this throwaway accordingly.
So let's get this shitshow started then, shall we.
As the details of the conflict stands, it is beyond obvious to me that this is racism and, literally, a Holocaust. Not *the* Holocaust, but *a* Holocaust. Oxford Languages has the term defined as a destruction or slaughter on a mass scale, especially caused by fire or nuclear war . I'd say that's very much accurate. Proof to come.
Regardless, this situation has had me very pressed the last almost 8 months, as I know most other people have been too. Without getting too much into the conflict itself, I want to talk a little about what I've seen from the Jewish community.
This is where I advise anyone who struggles with anger especially to leave and try to keep your day positive. If you have a magical potion to stay stable after this, who am I to stop you...
Alright, onto the dreaded part. And yes, I am stalling.
I have never, and I truly mean *never* had any hateful thoughts or opinions about religions (other than Christianity but that's one for another time), and as we are all aware of, The Holocaust had massive effect on the world some 80 years ago. I have always seen Jews as victims due to this, but in recent times I've realised that a lot of them, too, see themselves as victims. The issue is that they aren't the victims right now. They (Israel) aren't defending themselves, they have nothing to defend themselves against. Israel is currently doing the exact same thing as Germany did to them, to Palestine. Sure, maybe at some point who knows when, Palestine *was* the land of Jews, but since then, multiple religions have been thriving together on that land, including Jews. They were never excluded. From what I've understood, there weren't any wars or conflicts going on within the country that didn't happen elsewhere. The issue began when in the late 1940's zionists brutally murdered families to steal their homes. I'm sure the situation was so much more complex than that, but in a nutshell that is basically it. The fact that everyone today have been so desensitized from the travesties happening around the world is depressing and hope-killing. I truly am well on the way to giving up, and at this point in time I'm so angry all the time due to the Middle East's situation.
So a few weeks ago, probably closing in on months at this point, I randomly got a notification from reddit about someone posting on /Jewish. They didn't say anything explicit, so I pressed the notification and I was met with the worst victimization and ignorance I've ever seen. I truly believed most jews would see this for what it is, and not let some racist maniac spoon-feed them propaganda and hate, but I was brutally and humbly proven wrong. They were mocking proPAL parades, hating on news anchors and civilians alike calling this a genocide, insisting that Israel has no other choice, saying "casualties happens in war", convincing each other that zionism is a good thing, and feeling sorry for themselves when friends and families cut contact because they said they supported Israel and saw this as the only solution. Some might have been genuine problems, idk, but for the most part, that subreddit seems to only be about hating the rest of the world because their great grandparents were killed. I know I sound like a complete asshole, but the world isn't antisemetic anymore - they are actively looking for it and then using that one person telling them to stop feeling so sorry for themselves as proof that everybody in the world wants to throw them back in gas chambers.
I commented on my personal once where I mentioned that judaism and zionism are two separate things and got downvoted to oblivion. Someone replied saying that my comment was very much exactly what they too feel, but I got downvoted *simply because* I referred to them as separate entities. That is another criticism they've recieved lately; the pure idea of zionism is on the complete opposite side from what Judaism stands for. I've seen so many of the members there calling Jews protesting against Israel "self-hating" and traitors.
I've also made so many replies that I never sent because I know for a fact they would do anything in their power to ban me from ever using reddit again, and I wouldn't be surprised if I got doxxed and harrassed IRL from it. I saved them all, though. I found that it was kind of therapeutic to get it out, but it still bugs me that I never found a way to say it to them. I once also made a post about my rage for their behaviour connected to this genocide, but I thankfully stopped myself before I posted it. I'm so enraged by their sheer ignorance and hypocritical behaviour, all the while Gaza is still being eradicated and slaughtered, war crimes happening day in-day out, inhumane atrocities by the IOF being posted and hailed, and they have the audacity to say that they are the victims? That Israel has no other choice but martyring tens of thousands of CHILDREN? Starving the entire Gaza Strip, segregating West Bank, literally teaching their young in school to hate and attack arabs? That last one might not be true as I don't speak Hebrew or Arabic, so anyone could've just made up the translation, but I still feel it's worth mentioning in case it actually *is* real.
My point is that the guts they have to claim to be so moral, yet still be so unfaced from what's happening in Gaza is beside me. Sure, for those living near the Gaza wall, I'm positive that hearing bombs and screams were traumatizing as fuck, but to then leave for work the next day and claim that "shit happens"? It's insane! It's inhumane. They can leave whenever they like, children can play football (soccer) in the streets and not having to worry about shit, hotels and restaurants with 5-star ratings thriving, plants and flowers still blooming, absolutely no threats on a daily basis. The fact that people are still calling this a war, something necessary, is beyond devastating to me. There are millions still siding with zionism, claiming there's nothing wrong with the belief that you have an innate right to some dirt simply because your holy book says that thousands of years ago, your religion lived there, and simply because of that religious fact you are rightfully owed thousands of young lives, the death of an entire country with its own culture, just to feed the irrational religious political system? How in God's name has that ever, *IS* that still okay? If Muslims were the ones saying that shit, they would've been completely destroyed by now, today's generation wouldn't know what the fuck Islam was. They are still being slaughtered though, because they're saying it's *not* okay. How is that not racist again?
My brother and I got into a heated argument a few days ago about this. I am very much *for* Palestine to have human rights and to own their own land - he is very much *against* "ugly blackies" having any rights because they're *not* human. Boi when I tell you I got so angry I started crying. And the worst part about that fight? He claims that Jews aren't any better, however they still deserve to defend themselves against children running on the beach. "But Hamas-" is so over-used and outdated by now, it just proves that he doesn't follow up on statistics and evidence. Even if there only were one-sided news (from Gaza), the fact that the ICJ ruled Israel's actions a genocide and war crimes still proves everything he claims to be "n*****'s propaganda". And the fact that he so underminds my autism and *need* for factual evidence before discussing it also goes to show that he genuinely does not care about anything other than the black "terrorists" being eradicated. I said "So you're not just a racist, you're just plain racist?" he just scoffed and looked at me as if I just said the most nonsensical bullshit gibberish ever, practically saying "I'm not gonna say anything, but it really took you that long to realise?" Either that, or he actually didn't comprehend the words coming out of my mouth, like it was a foreign language or something. Because he genuinely does not have a single reason to be racist.
He can't even blame suicide attacks because 1) not all are carried by muslims, and 2) between 1981-2015 around 45,000 were killed by suicide attacks worldwide, where in 2019 the total death toll was only 1,699 more than amount of attacks; whereas in Gaza, between Oct 7 to present there are about 34,000 confirmed palestinian deaths, and assumed around 42,000 with unconfirmed deaths. If, in 36 years, "muslim terrorism" killed about the same amount as Israel has in almost 8 months, how on earth are Arabs the terrorists?
And I've also seen the argument that 30,000 is nothing compared to the total population in Gaza, as if that makes it okay. I will, again, make example of The Holocaust. When 30,000 Jews were martyred, people were already catching on, and this was without the technology we have today.
How have we been allowing this to happen to Palestinians *with* our technology today? Why haven't people been doing more; striking our jobs, cummute chauffeurs striking, proper permanent boycotts, more coverage from news anchors and private people alike? Even if it is to officially reclaim your love for white supremacy, you're still talking about it. Why are people still not reading up on this? Why does millions still not know that this *didn't* begin on October 7th? And why are there still those who claim that the past doesn't matter today? I have so many questions, and if I do get an answer I will only end up with more questions. How hasn't the world stopped over this? Why are people so okay knowing that there are children being intentionally murdered every single day? How can you go to work and talk about Dave's new tie? Or your 6 year old's birthday party with 15 other 6 year olds? Hasn't it crossed your mind that if the roles were reversed, your precious princess would be the one burried under tons of rubble, dying slowly while simontaniously starving, dehydrating, suffocating and crushing, and *knowing* that absolutely no one cares because you're [skin color] and it's normal for your kids to be horrendously massacred? "Oh but the Taliban-ISIS-Al Qaeda" OKAY so what are you gonna do to help save innocent lives and suffering??? How are you gonna contribute to STOP these organizations that have manipulated and murdered to rule their country and are intentionally making the citicens miserable? Are you even aware that your own govurnment is essentially the same fucking thing, just disguised as a well dressed, polite gentleman? Aren't you sick of all those ads on TV showing brown children with flies in their eyes? Or your mama telling you to think about the starving children in Africa? Because I am.
I am so sick and tired of how inhumane humans have come to be. You don't see animals (and I'm trying my best to not mention how humans *are* animals, guess I failed) intentionally kill another animal simply because they're that animal. They kill prey; polar bears kill seals, seals kill penguins, penguins kill fish, fish kill amoebas, and you can get to that result from absolutely everything. What you don't find as a natural event is a golden, brown mane lion attack and kill an albino lion simply because it's albino. You don't see a school of fish swim away from one with two heads, because "*omg Jared is such a freak with his two heads*." So why the FUCK DID WE START DOING THAT? Where did this hunger for power come from? You *will* see a female lion tell the king that enough is enough, and he *will* accept that. I could go on and on for DAYS if I got the chance, but I don't wanna get too off topic here.
I've started a list of all the universally illegal shit Israel has done, and once I'm satisfied with it, I'll make one comparing Israel to Palestine, and then Arabs/Muslims as a whole. I can guarantee that I will still hear "on-sided sources" still, or "You can't trust Wikipedia!" Have you ever tried to edit or create an article on Wikipedia? I have, and I had to confirm that I had a degree or a current valid work ID to prove that I was elgible to speak on the topic. I tried to make a site for myself... Sure, there are more trustworthy sites, but even in a discussion about wether or not being trans is a mental illness, where I quoted and linked all of the most well known official sources like WHO, I was still slapped with "but this shady ass article from a random Deutch website that explicitly says everything I've said, yet still isn't actually saying the same thing because I misquoted and mixed the words to form my own sentence says that it is" when they literally linked a website called "disabled world". I will say though, I agree with that name. Today's world is so non-funtional for neurotypical, hetero, white MEN, it's no fucking wonder everyone else are classified as disabled or whatever. Also, on that disabled topic, if you've made it this far, please don't say "differently abled". A quote unquote quote (heh geddit? cuz it's rephrased and I don't have the book near me rn to directly quote) from Devon Price's "Unmasking Autism" that I really like: "You wouldn't say "a person with Asianness", you'd say "an Asian person"." We are disabled because today's world isn't made for us, and for the most part isn't even accomodated or accessible to us. We are different, yeah, but literally everyone is. We just got that term because we can't do the same things as you (assuming you're neurotypical) without aid. We are able, just not like you. Of course, if an autistic person tells you they prefer "person with autism", listen to them! But most of us embrace it as a part of us because we can't just get rid of it. Autism is what make me me, I wouldn't be me without my autism, so I *am* autistic, for better or for worse. :)
I find it kinda ironic that I started this as a venting about a lot of Jews' hypocritical behaviour, and now ending up on autism. Yaknow, cuz Dr. Asperger during WW2 experimented and tortured autistic people, and found out that some where more alike him than others, which then coined the term Aspergers for the Autistic Community.
Anywho, I feel better now, so thanks for letting me vent a little (a lot). I want to finish off by restating my intro; I have not, and will not tolerate any hate, racism or discrimination towards any religion, ethnicity, nationality, culture etc. This post is not intended as a rant about how aweful jews are, because they're not. I just wanted to air some frustration over their behaviour regarding I/P genocide. This is also not about *all* Jews, but that's the same discussion as "not all men" so I'll leave it at that.
I will delete this account in a week, so if you have any questions, be fast ig. If you find I've mis-phrased, used irrationally insensitive wording or any other complaints that calls for a repost, I will fix it and post an updated version. My DMs will also be available if that should be of interest, but I will not be responding to hate or personal attacks for my opinions. If the issue is my wording, again, tell me and I'll fix it.
At this point I've written so much that I don't remember if I found anything myself that I figured was worth fixing, and I've proof read it so many times that my eyes are crossing and giving me a headache lol
Gosh I'm scared of posting this. I don't want anyone to read this and think I support what A. H. did in 1940 cuz I cannot begin to describe my hatred for that man