I've commented a few times in a few posts about my family's experience going through the F-1 to H-1B to GC route to migrate to the US and I've received a lot of questions over the DM, many of which I thought were pretty basic. I thought it might be helpful to put this primer together so folks know the right questions to ask and approach their planning more strategically.
This post is going to be very candid. I've noticed that the questions I've received come from misconceptions about higher education, F-1 visa, and what comes after graduation. I want to give folks the right information, but also temper expectations and give a realistic portrait of what it means and takes to use the student pathway to legally and permanently reside in the US. It is not a stroll in the park, and I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

BACKGROUND

Two of my siblings plus myself are all here in the US via the student visa route. I received my green card in 2021 after being in the US for nearly 4 years. After receiving my Masters at a prestigious university, I was hired immediately by an organization willing to sponsor my H-1B, which they did so after two years of employment under STEM-OPT work authorization. My employer started putting together my I-140 (Immigrant Petition for Alien Worker, which is the start of the process for an employment-based green card) shortly after receiving approval of my H-1B. As the paperwork was being put together, my partner and I decided to get married and I switched from employment-based green card to marriage-based green card. The employment-based green card would have added around a 3 year wait if we went through with it, while my marriage-based green card was approved in less than a year.
Both my siblings are currently in the same pathway. One received their Bachelors last year, was hired before graduation and has recently received approval for her H-1B. Their employer has committed to sponsoring their employment-based green card next year. My other sibling received their MFA last year and is now in the process of getting their O-1, which is a different kind of work visa. Like me, they both came to the US with a student visa. We were all very strategic about the programs we chose and how we approached networking within our industries.
We also prepared for years. I knew I wanted to get my Masters and permanently reside in the US even before I finished college in Manila. My siblings also knew that early on. So as a family we planned for years, including preparing financially because we knew that we had a very slim chance of getting free rides for our planned degrees. Our early planning also helped with our professional decision-making, because we became very strategic about what kinds of jobs we took after graduation in Manila (except our youngest sibling, who did her Bachelors in the US, so her planning revolved around her academic career in high school). I would say from start (initial planning) to finish (with the last sibling also now on the way to permanent residency), it took about a decade.

GETTING STARTED

Is the student pathway the right pathway for you?
The first question you should ask yourself: can you afford the student pathway to permanent residency in the US? Higher education in the US is not cheap. Universities very rarely offer full scholarships to Masters programs, and those that do are incredibly competitive. So you cannot depend on scholarships to help you pay for your degree--doing so will likely end in disappointment.
(PhDs are usually free and includes a living stipend, but the application process for PhDs are on a whole other level. I will not cover it here but I can answer any questions related to applying for PhDs.)
Most Masters programs in the US are two-year programs, and the average cost of a Masters degree is around $60,000 per year (source). That's $120,000--almost Php7,000,000--in two years. That is a lot of money. That does not include your cost of living, which depending on the location can vary. I personally spent around $1000 on living expenses every month (housing was through the school, so the cost of that was included in my tuition statement)--and that is living frugally in a very high cost of living city. That's an additional $12,000 per year. Of course, you can lower than number by living with family if that option is available to you.
So on average, you would need around Php4,200,000 per year for your Masters degree. Again, a lot of money. It goes without saying that the student pathway is a very expensive pathway to permanent residency in the US. Can it also be a quicker pathway than, say, being sponsored by a sibling? It can be, but that depends on how long it will take for you to save up for tuition.
What if you can make those numbers work? What else should you know?
I need to put this upfront: the F-1 student visa is a non-immigrant visa. Meaning that it is a visa meant for people who will enter the US on a temporary basis. This is why the student visa has no direct pathway or benefit to permanent residency in the US. You need to change status inside the US to one with immigrant intent or double intent to be able to be on that pathway or receive that benefit. That's where visas like the H-1B visa comes in.
You also cannot work outside of your school on an F-1 visa. During the school year, you are allowed to work part-time on campus, and during the summer you are allowed to work full-time on campus. Work outside of the school is only allowed if it's part of your curriculum (i.e. your program has a class for "onsite internship") and you are allowed to be paid while that opportunity is going on. You can do this part-time, but most legitimate universities will have limited opportunities for this (i.e. under your program you're only allowed to take credit for onsite internships one or two semesters). However, your eligibility to work full-time after getting your degree will be affected if you do this full-time for one year. If you want to jump from F-1 to H-1B, this is not something you want to do.
Your ability to bring dependents to the US on a student visa is also limited. You can only bring your spouse and unmarried children under 21. Dependents of F-1 visa holders are not allowed to work in the US (although children under 21 can go to school full-time). This means your spouse cannot work while in the United States, and that includes working remotely for a company in the Philippines.

APPLYING TO PROGRAMS

The student visa still seems like my best option. What's next?
The next step starts with you. I've received a good number of DMs asking me "Is Master of ABC the right course for me?" or "Will a Master of DEF get me a green card?" These are not the right questions to ask because they're not going to get you any good answers. Yes, we know the ultimate goal for taking your Masters in the US to get permanent residency. But the true purpose of getting a Masters in the US is to make you highly marketable and competitive to US employers that will be willing to sponsor your work visa and petition you for your permanent residency.
So you need to view this degree as a way to level yourself up professionally. I absolutely do not suggest getting a Masters degree in something "you already know"--the objective is not to coast while spending Php4,200,000 a year--but to be so much better at what you're already doing. Here's an example.

Maria Clara graduated from Accounting at a good university in Manila and now has around 2 years of experience as a CPA at the finance and accounting department at a multinational corporation based in Makati. She wants to get her permanent residency to the US via the student pathway and has done a significant amount of research on possible Masters programs and career paths in accounting in the US. She started reading into forensic accounting and realized how interested she is in various aspects of this career path. After looking through universities and programs, she has put SUNY Albany's MS in Forensic Science at the top of her list for a variety of reasons. One, it meets the education requirements for certified public accountant licensure in the state of New York. Two, even without a scholarship of financial aid, the costs for international students is not exorbitant at $23,000/Php1,320,000 for the year-long program--with some frugal living and help from relatives in the US, she can save that amount in 3-4 years. Three, New York is the center of global commerce--all the biggest companies and their accounting firms are either headquartered or have large offices in New York City, so she has a wide swath of employment options. Now she just has to get her ducks in a row and make sure her Bachelors meets the requirements for application, as well as put together a shortlist of other programs she should apply and create a timeline for herself and the milestones that need to be hit to make this dream a reality.

Bottomline is, your starting point in this entire process is reflection and research. You need to reflect on your own professional experience and skills, as well as your interests. You need to figure out which pathway will give you that professional and technical boost and do your research on available programs at reputable universities, what the job market looks like for your target profession, which companies are known to hire in this space.
Of course, you should also take into consideration your limitations. For example, you can only go to school in San Diego because you can stay with relatives while you're studying. That means your research is location-limited to however far you think you can commute.
When this is properly done, it should lead you to a place where you have a shortlist of programs to apply to. Each program will have their own application and testing requirements, as well as their own deadlines, so make sure to keep track of that.
PRO TIP: while grades during college are an important part of your application, many graduate programs put a lot of weight on your personal statement and professional recommendation letters. This is why the first step on reflection is critical--it gives you a good direction from which to build your story, which you will need to convince admissions committees to accept you into their programs.

ACCEPTANCE

I got into one of my top programs and I have my finances in order! What happens now?
Now it's time to apply for your F-1 visa. Your university will provide you with the documentation you need from them (this is mainly the I-20 and your acceptance letter), but the bulk of the documentation you need to present to the visa officer will mostly come from you. Namely, because the F-1 is a non-immigrant visa, you need to show strong ties to the Philippines. This can take a variety of forms, and oftentimes your mileage may vary especially depending on the school you will be attending (i.e. there will be less scrutiny if you're going to Harvard as compared to a university that's not that known).
If you did not receive a scholarship with your acceptance, you also need to show that you are able to afford the first year of matriculation. So bank statements containing the total amount of tuition, as well as room and board, will be important (usually the I-20 that the university will issue you will include this amount).
At the interview, be polite and only answer the questions asked. Do not offer up information not asked by the visa officer. I suggest you have a ready answer if the visa officer asks you why this particular school and program, but you should have this answer already if you followed my advice about reflecting and researching before applying to programs :)
Visa is approved and on hand! What do I do while I wait to leave for the US?
Networking starts the moment you receive your passport with your F-1 visa. You absolutely cannot and should not waste a single minute of your active student visa, so this is the time you start telling people that you're going to be studying in the US. You need to work your current network and find peers and mentors who will be willing to connect you with colleagues they know who work in the US or have ties to the US in your professional field. Let's go back to Maria Clara as an example.

Finally, after years of hard work, Maria Clara has her desired acceptance into SUNY's MS in Forensic Accounting program, and her F-1 visa was approved by the embassy without any issues. After celebrating with her family, she lets her boss know about her visa approval, who has been one of her most ardent cheerleaders during this entire process. Her boss has also offered to introduce her to their counterparts in the US once she got her visa approved, which is really important to Maria Clara--she knows she needs to get ahead of networking professionally since her time in the US is limited. She has also reached out to other people she knows in the company that engage frequently with teams in the US. She's messaged her college professors as well, as she knows that a number of alumni from her college have migrated to the US. Her plan is to get connected with as many professionals in her field as possible, connect with them in person once she's in the US, and build a rapport with as many connections as possible so she can be guided accordingly and stand out when the time to apply for jobs comes.

Remember that unlike US citizens (USC) and legal permanent residents (LPR), your time in the US is limited and bound by the rules set by your visa. So you have to be creative and get ahead in some way. You need to be more prepared and more strategic than USCs and LPRs because you simply do not have the time to dilly dally. Yes, enjoy and savor in the moment of seeing the fruits of your labor, but the hard part begins now. You simply do not have time to waste.

DURING THE PROGRAM

I'm in the US now and working harder than ever! Is there anything more I can do to set myself apart from others?
Other than to make sure you have high grades and you're setting aside time to build professional relationships, it's time to think outside the box. Remember that you are limited by the rules of the F-1 visa, so experiences such as an off-campus summer internship is off limits to you. You will need to find ways to strengthen your resumé that doesn't include working off campus, and that could take many forms. One of the most effective recommendations I've received on this is to do an independent research during the summer--you could do it via a professor whose class you really liked, or if you've made inroads with some of the connections you've been building since getting your visa, have a professor oversee a research project you could do with those connections. (This is still academic work, and many programs will give credit for this, so it is not considered off-campus work under the eyes of USCIS.) You can use your research to really elevate your skills and experiences when applying for jobs.
It's also time to seriously start looking at potential employers. You can use the connections you've built to get a sense of what the professional landscape is for your field, learn about peoples' experiences at various companies and organizations, and get a feel for hiring processes. Remember, you don't have a lot of time to apply for jobs once you near the end of your program, so you have to be armed with the right information to guide your job hunting strategy. You will need to put yourself out there and be the best version of your professional self if you want employers to disregard that they will need to spend more money to hire you rather than a USC or LPR who doesn't need sponsorship.

LAST SEMESTER AND GRADUATION

I'm in my last semester of my program! Any tips?
The last semester is usually job hunting season, so make sure that resumé is polished and your network is activated. By now, if you've done the leg work, you will have a shortlist of potential employers and you will have made connections in most, if not all, of them. Time to check-in and ensure that they know you're interested in joining their company and you'd like their support and guidance in doing so. This is one of the harder parts of this journey, and you have to be relentless. Use all the resources at your disposal to ensure your resumé is seen by as many eyes as possible, and that includes speaking to your professors, especially your favorite ones, so they can also lend a hand.
More importantly: submit your work permit application (more commonly known as OPT) as early as possible to avoid delays and getting stuck in the USCIS backlog. You need this permit to be able to work after graduation for a limited time (one year for graduates of non-STEM programs, with an additional two years for graduates of STEM programs) without needing to immediately require H-1B sponsorship.
Getting employed by a company willing to sponsor you is not the end of the line. All for-profit companies are subject to the H-1B lottery, which means you will be competing with other internationals for the limited number of H-1B visas allotted every year. So even with an employer willing to sponsor, the H-1B visa is still not guaranteed. You can work around this by joining what is a called a cap-exempt organization instead, and USCIS classifies those as institutions of higher education, nonprofit entities related to or affiliated with an institution of higher education, nonprofit research organizations, and governmental research organizations. That means more research, and more targeted strategic networking, given that your employer pool now is limited.

EPILOGUE

The student visa is not an easy or cheap pathway to permanent residency in the US. It is getting harder and harder to beat out USCs and LPRs for great jobs in companies that have the experience and resources to sponsor H-1Bs and GCs. You need to do your research every step of the way and prepare to do some really grueling work in order to be the better investment for these companies. Plus, there is the luck element of the H-1B lottery. But it's not impossible. It can and does happen--my family is a great example of it (we're 3 for 3 in this pathway now). Your preparation and willingness to go the extra mile is critical, and you have to be ready to grind for a while. Rest often only comes when the green card is approved.
For those still considering the student visa pathway to migrate to the US after reading this very long post--good luck, and may the force be with you.

Hi,
I just wanted to ask a query about points on an EOI.
I inadvertently claimed 5 points for work overseas by saying I've done 3 years. However, I'm not sure the 3rd year will count. It was in medicine, as a locum doctor. It's not contracted and you only work when you want to, at the cost of no annual leave etc. It's still within my profession however. I still did in average 20hrs/week over 52 weeks, but with periods of no work for up to 2 months (some months I worked 140+ hence the average). Would this count?
And if it wouldn't, can I submit a 1023 form for my 190 to raise my inadvertently overclaimed points and still apply for the visa with the deducted points (would still be 80, down from 85).
I tried going through a migration agent but they really weren't that helpful at all regarding this issue

The idea that humans in large numbers lack competency, and so therefore a conspiracy would be practically impossible completely misses the point. Actually, the fact that humans are insanely incompetent and low-information is why conspiracies are everywhere and almost never go noticed. In fact, people DO speak up often and whistleblow and NO ONE LISTENS.
Part of the issue here is epistemological. We think we know about the world. Why do we think that? First of all, human brains are built to conceive of about 150 people around them. Urbanization breaks our brains, and because we're not built for it, we consistently process our impression of society wrong.
School and media are huge and very simply blunt instruments to provide us with a better impression of the massive urban society around us. Most of what we think we know comes from here. Yes, it's true that false information can be contradicted and humans actually can be quite logical with plain, clear facts. However, we have other social instincts which prevent this from happening.
We humans mostly tend to intuitively perceive what kinds of beliefs others have and give massive weight to that while filtering possibly complex or confusing facts in our heads. While some of us and some cultures are much more sophisticated and cynical about media, there are TONS of demographics (i.e.: young women) who psychologically interpret literally anything the media presents as representative of the actual tastes and preferences of that abstract 150 people the brain is built to perceive. Simply because the media exists and promotes one point of view, it means that this must be the position of those in the tribe with power.
Experienced, educated professionals will constantly filter inconvenient information in favor of adjusting to what the group believes. Smarter, 110-130 IQ "midwits" will actually recognize something is wrong, but will rationalize the emotional inconvenience and build explanations or narratives so they can cope. <110IQ people can't construct these rationalizations, and if they're low-IQ enough they can't even understand them, so this is why dumb people often perceive conspiracies that highly intelligent people observe, because the layer of rationalization doesn't appear to them. >140 IQ literally cannot use these rationalizations because their brains see right through them and you have to be a psychopath to ignore what you see. 110-130 IQ people ACTUALLY BELIEVE these rationalizations, that's the point. They ego invest in them and will fight their own kin to squash anyone noticing malicious behavior systemic to institutions. This is partly because, these midwits as the supreme managerial class, so effectively rationalize, they can operate in corrupt environments without being aware of the corruption. Thus they are rewarded immensely, given titles or big salaries, and become personally invested in the fraud while also consciously believing there's no fraud.
As an adult who has noticed all this from experience in the military, ecclesiastical, academic, corporate (never medical sadly) sectors, these patterns seem universal. You know the store manager who has the keys to lock up? Well, when they open up to their buddies and drink a little of the merchandise and throw a little party or whatever, if corporate can't tell, then why wouldn't they? Not everyone who has power will abuse it, but anywhere power is held, someone will abuse it. Abuse of power is a very casual thing, and at a minimum, some percentage of human personality types will always do it. The go-getters and doers especially trend toward a willingness to abuse power, and that's part of the problem. Other humans have specific instincts to submit to the powerful and almost take pleasure when they are on the good side of a psychopath who is abusing a third party.
Here you might say, "Gee, you have a cynical view of humanity." Sorry, the day a college kid can stand up and assert a point of view that's not social consensus, and have even 10% of the class change their minds and support him merely from considering the argument, then maybe I'll be more optimistic. No, people are cowards who are constantly trying to fit in, mostly most people are pretty dumb, and actually most people disdain those who refuse to fit in and don't care at all about the group's corruption. See, kids who are instinctively socially breaking from their parents will oppose the society of their parents. But kids will never oppose, not ever, not at scale, the social momentum of other kids unless there are other kids of clear divisions like racial or religious.
Therefore, I would propose that not only is society full of conspiracies at every level, but actually society functions on the basis of conspiracy. Small group loyalties and hierarchies form nodes around which institutional structure can build larger organizations. I was in the military which is full of formal authority, laws and rules. The reality of it is all that was a distraction to make people put up with a system that is more about little cliques among officers and so forth that sort everything out behind closed doors. Sure, norms, laws, rules, training smooth things out, allow interchangeability, but real decisions are made selfishly by some leader and they have quidproquo with colleagues and that bubbles up to the top. So whatever stupid beliefs they have about their organization or its values, they take with them to the top where someone like a general wields real power. Yet, such a person is sort of "endowed" with that position by his clique-community, and so they must fight for that community's values in the confines of that community's worldview, which might be totally inaccurate.
With this in mind, here is your final graduation thought experiment.
I've tried to understand the Ukraine war.
Right now Russia is playing on its former Soviet era diplomatic network so it's leaning into "white neocolonialists who think they have superior values exploit brown people because of theft and racism." But they're also simultaneously playing the newer, libertarian narrative of a progressive managerial elite which has hijacked the Western bureaucracy. It's sort of insane how they do this. Like how they exalt Orthodox religion but also insist Stalin did nothing wrong, which not even the post-Stalin USSR believed.
The anti-neocolonialist narrative says that rich whites want to steal resources from poor browns. This is factually what's happening, but the tragic irony is that many third world countries probably couldn't develop or benefit from these resources without first world help. So, there's both an argument against neo-colonialism, but also an argument that it's not like this big scam so much as a natural consequence. What it boils down to for me is where war, jackal economics or espionage is used. That's clearly wrong, and I think a lot of poor countries would be doing a lot better without these interventions, although I don't think they'd be rich and developed.
Well, the West actually is anti-neocolonialist too. Globalists want smart cities, AI economy, UBI, CBDC. They want rural white Americans to be the same level of poor as rural Africans, and for the gains of exploiting natural resources to be concentrated among a global elite, which although unfair, is not exclusive to borders. The geopolitical unfairness of neocolonialism will be addressed by Globalism. And its elite will be very small compared to the global proletariat they intend to have.
This is all very ironic since the globalist machine is playing the Euro-chauvinism card to appeal to Euro elites, and also the American exceptionalism card to appeal to American nationalists. They're playing whatever cards they have, like Russia.
So this is all I know: the West is lying to some of its lesser elites by paying lip service to their values. Russia is playing its old USSR geopolitics card while also playing a trad Orthodox card, while also playing an anti-globalist card.
I KNOW that the West is globalist, the leadership that is. So NATO must lose, because the globalists will certainly win if NATO wins. However, I fear the other side might also be globalists and the whole conflict is an anti-white, anti-Western charade meant to displace the old Euro elites and American nationalists.
That's the irony. Globalists control the West, but have to constantly deal with these older elite factions, so they could be using the war as a purge in a way.
It's hard to explain why the globalist-American leadership needed this conflict so bad. Probably it's all a shitshow gone wrong. This is where my explanation of how conspiracies function comes into play.
Neocons thought the would reinvigorate interest in the military but it hasn't. Like a new patriotism and interest in military power and funding.
Ukrainian Jews might have thought they could purge the Slavs and make a second Jewish homeland but that's probably off the table due to the failed counter offensive.
Russia's hopes of exercising their historical and cultural hegemony to settle the conflict have failed, when Ukrainian deep state operatives assured them they were still on the same old team.
Stupid nationalists who are somehow blind to the globalists and think the American economy is "doing great" probably thought this could be a knockout blow to Russia's meddling in certain geostrategic resource deals that affected American hegemony over Europe. This is a legacy of the British "can't let Europe become a world power" prerogative. The kind of dumb monkey legacy deep state geopolitical prerogatives that these idiots cling to while ignoring the other players around them.
So there are members of the British and American diplomatic-military-intelligence communities who are seemingly oblivious to what globalism is, or the imminent collapse of the Anglo-American financial hegemony. They actually believe the financial journalism. They are playing out a specific strategy from their class or clique or culture's history which is about keeping Europe down. So they are acting from that vantage and are acting as a conspiracy.
There are Euro elites acting from the vantage of actual vestigial colonialist attitudes where they actually think that Europe of all places is a bastion of Western values. While this class is completely morally degenerate, what they really mean is there is a class of elites in Europe that actually thinks the whole world outside of white Europe are actually just dumb monkeys. Not metaphorical. They are committed to all this, as a conspiracy that exercises influence as a conspiracy, because of this idiotic, low-information attitude.
Then there's the globalists who have all kinds of plans, and have even got Russia and China and India to adopt some of their financial technologies in preparation for their Great Reset. And this is done because of their massive influence over global business. As a conspiracy. And yet, while massively influential, they don't outright control Russia or China and their plants are constantly falling short. I'd say the globalists are trying to act as a conventional "illuminati" style conspiracy.
But the point is what I said in the beginning. Even these powerful, highly competent cliques have huge blind spots and huge power gaps because humans are in fact highly incompetent in large numbers.
I get a clique trying very hard to influence things and just falling short of being able to do it, but what boggles my mind is that a lot of these conspiracies who KNOW they are conspiracies who KNOW the world is a stage for the common sheep and KNOW the basic nature of deep state and intelligence games that are played. Even these people will not see past their own biases or egos, and fail to see lies in front of their own faces.
Because conspiracy is natural to humans. We do it naturally, so we engage in illicit collusion and cliquishness, but we don't necessarily see or realize where it's happening outside of our brain's 150 person social perception. Which to me is the oddest thing.

Last week I applied for a I-765 EAD based on my approved I-140 (my priority date is not current yet, I applied based on (c)(35) - compelling circumstances.) I sent it all via mail - according to the mail service - they received it today.
I just realized I made a stupid mistake and misread the USCIS guidance on Premium Processing - apparently I could of add this option - and just needed to attach the Premium Processing request form (I-907) along with a payment form - and have them process my request in 1 month.
Is it too late for me? I read on the USCIS that adding the online option for PP is not for my type of request, and it says there that the printed version should of been sent along with the I-765

Last week I applied for a I-765 EAD based on my approved I-140 (my priority date is not current yet, I applied based on (c)(35) - compelling circumstances.) I sent it all via mail - according to the mail service - they received it today.
I just realized I made a stupid mistake and misread the USCIS guidance on Premium Processing - apparently I could of add this option - and just needed to attach the Premium Processing request form (I-907) along with a payment form - and have them process my request in 1 month.
Is it too late for me? I read on the USCIS that adding the online option for PP is not for my type of request, and it says there that the printed version should of been sent along with the I-765

PLAYBOY Interview With Conan O'Brien Interview by Kevin Cook For Playboy Magazine February 1998
A candid conversation with the preppie prince of "Late Night" about his rocky start, his show's secret one-day cancellation and how David Letterman saved the day.
He was polite. He was funny. He gave us a communicable disease.
At 34 Conan O'Brien is hotter than the fever he was running when we met in his private domain above the "Late Night" sound stage. A gangly freckle-faced ex-high school geek he is "one of TV's hottest properties" according to "People" magazine. The host of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" has become his generation's king of comedy.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Congested too, but O'Brien has far more to worry about than his head cold. A perfectionist who broods over one bad minute in an otherwise perfect hour of TV, he worries he might be anhedonic, "I have trouble with success," he says, "I was raised to believe that if something good happens something bad is coming." Sure things look good now "Rolling Stone" calls "Late Night" "the hottest comedy show on TV." Ratings are better than ever, particularly among 18- to 34-year-olds, the viewers advertisers crave.
But O'Brien only works harder. Despite his illness he taped two shows in 26 hours on three hours' sleep. He smoothly interviewed Elton John then burst into coughing fits during commercials. Later in his crammed corner office overlooking Manhattan traffic Conan the Cool gulped Dayquil gel caps. He coughed spewing microbes.
"Sorry, sorry," he said. Of course O'Brien can't complain. He came seriously close to falling to being banished behind the scenes as just another failed talk show host.
At his first "Late Night" press conference he corrected a reporter who called him a relative unknown, "Sir I am a complete unknown," he said. That line got a laugh, but soon O'Brien looked doomed. His September 13, 1993 debut began with O'Brien in his dressing room preparing to hang himself only to be interrupted by the start of his show. Before long his career was hanging by a thread. Ratings were terrible. Critics hated the show. Tom Shales of "The Washington Post" called it as "lifeless and messy as roadkill." Shales said O'Brien should quit.
Network officials held urgent meetings discussing the Conan O'Brien debacle. Should they fire him? How should they explain their mistake?
In the end of course he turned it around. The network hung with him long enough for the ratings to improve and the host of the cooler-than-ever "Late Night" now defines comedy's cutting edge just as Letterman did ten years ago.
Even Shales loves "Late Night" these days. He calls O'Brien's turnaround "one of the most amazing transformations in television history."
O'Brien was born on April 18, 1963 in Brookline, Massachusetts. His father, a doctor, is a professor at Harvard Medical School. His mother, a lawyer, is a partner at an elite Boston Law firm. Conan, the third of six children became a lector at church and a misfit at school. Tall and goofy, bedeviled with acne, he tried to impress girls with jokes. That plan usually bombed, but O'Brien eventually found his niche at Harvard where he won the presidency of the "Harvard Lampoon" in 1983 and again in 1984 - the first two-time "Lampoon" president since humorist Robert Benchley held the honor 85 years ago.
After graduating magna cum laude with a double major in literature and American history he turned pro. Writing for HBO's "Not Necessarily The News." O'Brien was earning $100,000 a year before his 24th birthday. But writing was never enough.
He honed his performance skills with the Groundlings, a Los Angeles improv group. There he worked with his onetime girlfriend Lisa Kudrow, now starring on "Friends." But Conan was not such a standout. In 1988 he landed a job at "Saturday Night Live" - but as a writer, not as on-air talent. In almost four years on the show O'Brien made only fleeting appearances, usually as a crowd member or security guard. His writing was more memorable. He wrote (or co-wrote) Tom hanks' "Mr Short-Term Memory" skits as well as the "pump you up" infosatire of Hanz and Franz and the nude beach sketch in which Matthew Broderick and "SNL" members played nudists admiring one another's penises. With dozens of mentions of the word that hit was the most penis-heavy moment in TV history. It helped O'Brien win an Emmy for comedy writing.
In 1991 he quit "SNL" and moved on to "The Simpsons" where he worked for two years. His urge to perform came out in wall-bouncing antics in writers' meetings. "Conan makes you fall out of your chair" said "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening. O'Brien's yen to act out was so strong that he spurned Fox's reported seven-figure offer to continue as a writer. He was driving for the spotlight.
By then David Letterman had announced he was turning shin - leaving NBC taking his ton-rated act to CBS. Suddenly NBC was up a creek without a host. The network turned to Lorne Michaels, O'Brien's "Saturday Night Live" boss. Michaels enlisted Conan's help in the host search planning to use him in a behind-the-scenes job. But when Garry Shandling, Dana Carvey and almost every other star turned down the chore of following Letterman, Michaels finally listened to Conan's crazy suggestion, "Let me do it!" Michaels persuaded the network to entrust it's 12:30 slot which Letterman had turned into a gold mine to an untested wiseass from Harvard.
O'Brien was working on one of his last "Simpsons" episodes when he got the news. He turned "paler than usual," Groening recalled. The Conan moseyed back to where the other writers were working, "I'll come back with the Homer Simspon joke later. I have to go replace Letterman," he said.
NBC executives now get credit for their foresight during those dark days of 1993 and 1994. They snared the axe and now reap the multimillion-dollar spoils of that decision. In fact, the story is not so simple. We sent Contributing Editor Kevin Cook to unravel the tale of O'Brien's survival, which he tells here for the first time. Cook reports:
"His office is chock-full of significa. There's a three-foot plastic pickle the Letterman staff left behind in 1993 - perhaps to suggest what a predicament he was in. There's a copy of Jack Paar's 'I Kid You Not' and a coffee-table book called 'Saturday Night Live: The First 20 Years.' His bulletin board features letters from fans such as John Watters and Bob Dole and an 8" x 10" glossy of Andy Richter with the inscription: "To Conan - Your bitter jealousy warms my black heart. Love and Kisses Andy."
"Of course it's all for show. From the photos of kitch icons Adam West and Robert Stack to the framed Stan Laurel autograph, from the deathbed painting of Abraham Lincoln, to the ironic star taped to Conan's door - they're all clever signals that tell a visitor how to view the star. Lincoln was his collegiate preoccupation: stardom is his occupation. Somewhere between the two I hoped to find the real O'Brien.
"As a Playboy reader he wanted to give me a better-than-average interview. I wanted something more - a definitive look at the guy who may end up being the Johnny Carson of his generation."
"Here's hoping we succeeded. If not I carried his germs 3000 miles and infected dozens of Californians for no good reason.
O'Brien: Yes, this is how to do a Playboy Interview -- completely tanked on cold medicine. I'll pick it up and read, "Yes, I'm gay."
Playboy: We could talk another time. O'Brien: (coughing) No, it's OK. I memorized Dennis Rodman's answers. Can I use them?
Playboy: You sound really sick. Do you ever take a day off? O'Brien: No. The age of talk show hosts taking days off is over. Johnny Carson could go to Africa when he was the only game in town -- "See you in two weeks!" But nobody does that now. I will give you a million dollars on the first day Jay takes off for illness.
Playboy: Do you ever slow down and enjoy your success? O'Brien: If anything, the pace is picking up. Restaurateurs insist on giving me a table even if I'm only passing by, so I'm eating nine meals a night. Women stop me on the street and hand me their phone numbers.
Playboy: So you have groupies? O'Brien: Oh yes. And other fans. Drifters. Prisoners. Insomniacs. Cab Drivers, who must watch a lot of late night TV, seem to love me lately. They keep saying, "You will not pay, you will not pay, you make me happy!"
Playboy: How happy did your new contract make you? O'Brien: Terrified. The network said, "We're all set for five years." I said, "Shut up, shut up! I can't think that far ahead." Tonight, for instance, I do my jokes, then interview Elton John and Tim Meadows. We finished taping about 6:30. By 6:45 my memory was erased and my only thought was, Tomorrow: John Tesh. And I started to obsess about John Tesh. Sad, don't you think?
Playboy: Not too sad. You got off to a rocky start but now you're so hot that People magazine recently said, "that was then, this is wow." O'Brien: I try not to pay much attention. Since I ignored the critics who said I should shoot myself in the head with a German Luger, it would be cheating to tear out nice reviews now and rub them all over my body, giggling. Though I have thought about it.
Playboy: Tell us about your trademark gag. You interview a photo of Bill Clinton or some other celeb, and a pair of superimposed lips provide outrageous answers. O'Brien: We call it the Clutch Cargo bit, after that terrible old cartoon series. They saved money on animation by superimposing real lips on the cartoons. I wanted to do topical jokes in a cartoony way -- not just Conan doing quips at a desk. TV is visual; I want things to look funny. But we're not Saturday Night Live; we couldn't spend $100,000 on it. Hence, the cheap, cheesy lips, You'd be surprised how many people we fool.
Playboy: Viewers believe that's really the president yelling, "Yee-haw! Who's got a joint?" O'Brien: It's strange. You may know intellectually that Clinton doesn't talk like Foghorn Leghorn. Ninety-eight percent of your brain knows the president wouldn't say, "Whoa Conan get a load of that girl!" But there are a few brain cells that aren't sure. When Bob Dole was running for president we had him doing a past-life regression: "My cave, get away." And then back further, "Must form flippers to crawl on to rocky soil," he says. There may be people out there who believe that Bob Dole was the first amphibian.
Playboy: Do you ever go too far? O'Brien: The fun is in going too far. It's a nice device because you get Bill Clinton to do the nastiest Bill Clinton jokes. We'll have Clinton making fart noises while I say "Sir! Please!"
Playboy: Are you enjoying your job now, with your new success? O'Brien: Well, there are surprises. I hate surprises. Like most comics, I'm a control freak. But I am learning that the show works best when things are out of control. Tonight I ask Elton John if he likes being neighbors with Joan Collins. He says he isn't neighbors with Joan Collins. He lives next door to Tina Turner. So I panic -- huge mistake! But Elton saves the day. "Joan Collins, Tina Turner, it doesn't matter. Either way I could borrow a wig," he says. Huge laugh, all because I fucked up. Later he surprised me by blurting out that he's hung like a horse. The camera cuts to me shaking my head: That crazy Elton. What can I do? Of course, I'm delighted that he went too far.
Playboy: That "What can I do?" look resembles a classic take of Jack Benny's. O'Brien: There's an old saying in literature: "Good poets borrow; great poets steal." I think T.S. Eliot stole it from Ezra Pound. Comics steal, too. Constantly. When I watched Johnny Carson, I noticed that he got a few takes from Benny and Bob Hope. When a comedy writer told me how much Woody Allen had borrowed from Hope, I thought, What? They're nothing alike. Then I went back and watched Son of Paleface, and there's Hope, the nervous city guy backing up on his heels, wringing his hands and saying, "Sorry, I'll just be moving along." Now look at early Woody Allen. You see big authority figures and Woody nervously saying, "Look, I'll just be on my way." Of course Woody made it his own, but he must have watched and loved Bob Hope.
Playboy: Who are your role models? O'Brien: Carson. Woody Allen. SCTV. Peter Sellers. When Peter Sellers died I felt such a loss, thinking, There won't be anymore of that. There's some Steve Martin in my false bravado with female guests: "Why, hel-lo there!" And I won't deny having some Letterman in my bones.
Playboy: You were surprise as Letterman's successor. At first you seemed like the wrong choice. O'Brien: I didn't get ratings. That doesn't mean I didn't get laughs. Yes, I had a giant pompadour and I looked like a rockabilly freak. I was too excited, pushed too hard, and people said, "That guy isn't a polished performer." Fine! But it isn't my goal to be Joe Handsomehead cool, smooth talk show host. Late Night with Conan O'Brien is supposed to be a work in progress, and now that we've had some success there's a danger of our getting too polished and morphing into something smoothly professional. Which would suck.
Do you know why I wanted this show? Because Late Night with David Letterman played with the rules and it looked like fun. Here was a place where people did risky comedy every night for millions of people. We had to keep this thing alive. There should be a place on a big network where people are still messing around.
Playboy: How bad were your early days on the show? O'Brien: Bad. Dave left here under a cloud: his fans and the media were angry with NBC. Then NBC picks a guy with crazy hair and a weird name. And the world says, "Harvard? Those guys are assholes." I sincerely hope that the winter of December 1993, our first winter, was the worst time I will ever have. I'd go out to do the warm up and the back two rows of seats would be empty. That's hard to look at. I would tell a joke and then hear someone whisper, "Who's he? Where's Dave?"
Playboy: You had trouble getting guests. O'Brien: Bob Denver canceled on us. We shot a test show with Al Lewis of The Munsters. We did the clutch cargo thing with a photo of Herman Munster. Unfortunately, Fred Gwynne, who played Herman, had recently died, and Al Lewis kept pointing at the screen, saying, "You're dead! I was at your funeral!"
Playboy: For months you got worried notes from network executives. What did they say? O'Brien: They were worried. The fact that Lorne Michaels was involved bought me some time. But Lorne had turned to me at the start and said, "OK, Conan. What do you want to do?" Now television critics were after me and the network was starting to realize what a risk I was. Suggestions came fast and furious. I kept the note that said, "Why don't you just die?"
Playboy: Did they suggest ways to be funnier? O'Brien: They were more specific and tactical. The network gets very specific data. Say there was a drop in ratings between 12:44 and 12:48 when I was talking to Jon Bon Jovi. I'll be told, "Don't ever talk to him again" Or they'll want me to tease viewers into staying with us: "You should tease that -- say, 'We'll have nudity coming up next!'"
Playboy: You did come close to being cancelled. O'Brien: We were cancelled.
Playboy: Really? You have never admitted that. O'Brien: This is the first time I've talked about it. When I had been on for about a year, there was a meeting at the network. They decided to cancel my show. They said, "It's cancelled." Next day they realized they had nothing to put in the 12:30 slot, so we got a reprieve.
Playboy: Were you worried sick? O'Brien: I went into denial. I tried hard not to think, Yes, I'm bad on the air and my show has none of the things a TV show needs to survive. We had no ratings. No critics in our corner. Advertisers didn't like us. Affiliates wanted to drop us. Sometimes I'd meet a programming director from a local station where we had no rating at all. The guy would show me a printout with no number for Late Night's rating, just a hash mark or pound sign. I didn't dare think about that when I went out to do the show.
Playboy: Are you defending denial? O'Brien: How else does anyone get through a terrible experience? The odds were against me. Rationally, I didn't have much chance. Denial was my only friend. When I look back on the first year, it's like a scene from an old war movie: Ordinary guy gets thrown into combat, somehow beats impossible odds, staggers to safety. His buddy say, "You could have been killed!" The guy stops and thinks. "Could have been killed?" he says. His eyes cross and he faints.
Playboy: How did you dodge the bullet? O'Brien: There were people at NBC who stood up for me. I will always be indebted to Don Ohlmeyer, who stuck to his guns. Don said, "We chose this guy. We should stick with him unless we get a better plan." He was brutally honest. He came to me and said, "Give me about a 15 percent bump in the ratings and you'll stay on the air. If not, we're going to move on."
Playboy: Ohlmeyer started his career in the sports division. O'Brien: Exactly, his take was, "You're on our team." Of course, it wasn't exactly rational of Don to hope I'd be 15 percent funnier. It was like telling a farmer, "It better rain this week or we'll take your farm away."
Playboy: What did you say to Ohlmeyer? O'Brien: There wasn't time. I had to go out and do a monologue. But I will always be indebted to Don because he told me the truth. Wait a minute -- you have tricked me into talking lovingly about an NBC executive. Let me say that there were others who were beneath contempt -- executives who wouldn't know a good show if it swam up their asses and lit a campfire.
Playboy: Finally the ratings went your way. Hard work rewarded? O'Brien: Well, I also paid off the Nielsen people. That was $140,000 well spent.
Playboy: Ohlmeyer plus bribery saved you? O'Brien: There was something else. Just when everyone was kicking the crap out of the show, Letterman defended me.
Playboy: Letterman had signed off on NBC saying, "I don't really know Conan O'Brien, but I heard he killed someone." O'Brien: Then I pick up the paper and he's saying he thinks I am going to make it. "They do some interesting, innovative stuff over there," he says. "I think Conan will prevail." And then he came on as a guest. Remember, this was when we were at our nadir. There was no Machiavellian reason for David Letterman, who at the time was the biggest thing in show business, to be on my show.
Playboy: Why did he do it? O'Brien: I'm still not sure. Maybe out of a sense of honor. Fair play. And it woke me up. It made me think. Hey, we have a real fucking television show here.
Of six or seven pivotal points in my short history here, that was the first and maybe the biggest. I wouldn't be sitting here -- I probably wouldn't even exist today -- if he hadn't done our show.
Playboy: The Late Night wars were hardly noted for friendly gestures. O'Brien: How little you understand. Jay, Dave and I pal around all the time. We often ride a bicycle built for three up to the country. "Nice job with Fran Drescher!" "Thanks, pal. You weren't so bad with John Tesh." We sleep in triple-decker bunk beds and snore in unison like the Three Stooges.
Playboy: You talk more about Letterman than your NBC teammate Leno. O'Brien: I hate the "Leno or Letterman, who's better?" question. I can tell you that Jay has been great to me. He calls me occasionally.
Playboy: To say what? O'Brien: (Doing Leno's voice) "Hey, liked that bit you did last night." Or he'll say he saw we got a good rating. I call him at work, too. It can be a strange conversation because we're so different. Jay, for instance, really loves cars. He's got antique cars with kerosene lanterns, cars that run on peat moss. He'll be telling me about some classic car he has, made entirely of brass and leather, and I'll say, "Yeah, man, I got the Taurus with the vinyl." One thing we have in common is bad guests. There are certain actors, celebrities with nothing to say, who move through the talk show world wreaking havoc. They lay waste to Dave's town and Jay's town, then head my way.
Playboy: You must be getting some good guests. Your ratings have shown a marked improvement. O'Brien: Remember, when you're on at 12:30 the Nielsens are based on 80 people. My ratings drop if one person has a head cold and goes to bed early.
Playboy: Actually, you're seen by about 3 million people a night. Your ratings would be even higher if college dorms weren't excluded from the Nielsens. How many points does that cost you? O'Brien: I told you I'm an idiot. Now I have to do math too?
Playboy: Do you still get suggestions from NBC executives? O'Brien: Not as many. The number of notes you get is inversely proportional to your ratings.
Playboy: What keeps you motivated? O'Brien: Superstition. We have a stagehand, Bobby Bowman, who holds up the curtain when I run out for the monologue. He is the last person I see before the show starts, and I have to make him laugh before I go out. It started with mild jabs: "Bobby, you're drunk again." Bobby laughs, "Heehee."" Then it was, "Still having trouble with the wife, Bobby?" But after hundreds of shows, you find yourself running out of lines. It's gotten to where I do crass things at the last second. I'll put his hand on my ass and yell, "You fucking pervert!" Or drop to my knees and say, "Come on, Bobby, I'll give you a blow job!"
"Ha-ha. Conan, you're crazy," he says. But even that stuff wears off. Soon, I'll be making the writers work late to give me new jokes for Bobby.
Playboy: Did you plan to be a talk show host or did you fall into the job? O'Brien: I was an Irish Catholic kid from St. Ignatius parish in Brookline, outside of Boston. And that meant: Don't call attention to yourself. Don't ask for too much when the pie comes around. Don't get a girl pregnant and fuck up your life.
Playboy: Were you an alter boy? O'Brien: I wanted to be an alter boy, but the priest at St. Ignatius said, "No, no. You're good on your feet, kid," and made me a lector. A scripture reader at Mass. He was the one who spotted my talent.
Playboy: What did you think of sex in those days? O'Brien: I was sexually repressed. At 16 I still thought human reproduction was by mitosis.
Playboy: How did you get over your sexual repression? O'Brien: Who says I got over it? My leg has been jiggling this whole time.
Playboy: What were you like in high school? O'Brien: Like a crane galumphing down the hall. A crane with weird hair, bad skin and Clearasil. Big enough for basketball but lousy at it. My older brothers were better. I would compensate by running around the court doing comedy, saying, "Look out, this player has a drug addiction. He's incredibly egotistical."
I was an asshole at home, too. My little brother Justin loved playing cops and robbers, but I kept tying him up with bureaucratic bullshit. When he'd catch me, I'd say, "I get to call my lawyer." Then it was, "OK, Justin, we're at trial and you've been charged with illegal arrest. Fill out these forms in triplicate." Justin was eight; he hated all the lawsuits and countersuits. He just cried.
Playboy: Were you a class clown? O'Brien: Never. I was never someone who walked into a room full of strangers and started telling jokes. You had to get to know me before I could make you laugh. The same thing happened with Late Night. I needed to get the right rhythm with Andy and Max and the audience.
Playboy: So how did you finally learn about sex? O'Brien: My parents gave me a book, but it was useless. At the crucial moment, all it showed was a man and a woman with the bed covers pulled up to their chins. I tried to find out more from friends, but it didn't help. One childhood friend told me it was like parking a car in a garage. I kept worrying about poisonous fumes. What if the fumes build up? Should you shut off the engine?
Playboy: For all your talk about being repressed, you can be rowdy on the air. O'Brien: The show is my escape valve. When I tear off my shirt and gyrate my pelvis like Robert Plant, feigning orgasm into the microphone, that shows how repressed I am -- a guy who wants to push his sex at the lens but can only do it as a joke.
Playboy: Aren't you tempted to live it up? O'Brien: I always imagined that if I were a TV star I would live the way I pictured Johnny Carson living. Carousing, stepping out of a limo wearing a velvet ascot with a model on my arm. Now that I have the TV show, I drive up to Connecticut on the weekends and tool around in my car. I could probably join a free-sex cult, smoke crack between orgies and drive sports cars into swimming pools, and my Catholic guilt would still be there, throbbing like a toothache. Be careful. If something good happens, something bad is on the way.
Playboy: Yet you don't mind licking the supermodels. O'Brien: At one point a few of them lived in my building, women who are so beautiful they almost look weird, like aliens. To me, a woman who has a certain approachable amount of beauty becomes almost funny. It's the same with male supermodels. They look like big puppets. So while I admire their beauty I probably won't be "romantically linked" with a model. I'd catch my reflection in a ballroom mirror and break up laughing.
Playboy: The horny Roy Orbison growl you use on gorgeous guests sounds real enough -- O'Brien: Oh, I've been doing that shit since high school. It just never worked before.
Playboy: Your father is a doctor, your mother an attorney. What do they think of their son the comedian? O'Brien: My dad was the one who told me denial was a virtue. "Denial is how people get through horrible things," he said. He also cut out a newspaper article in which I said I was making money off something for which I should probably be treated. So true, he thought. But when I got an Emmy for helping write Saturday Night Live, my parents put it on the mantel next to the crucifix. Here's Jesus looking over, saying, "Wow, I saved mankind from sin, but I wish I had an Emmy."
Playboy: Ever been in therapy? O'Brien: Yes. I don't trust it. I have told therapists that I don't particularly want to feel good. "Repression and fear, that's my fuel." But the therapists said that I had nothing to worry about. "Don't worry Conan you will always be plenty fucked up."
Playboy: When a female guest comes out, how do you know whether to shake her hand or kiss her? Is that rehearsed O'Brien: No, and it's awkward. If you go to shake her hand and her head starts coming right at you, you have to change strategy fast. I have thought about using the show to make women kiss me, but that would probably creep out the people at home. I decided not to kiss Elton John.
Playboy: Do you get all fired up if Cindy Crawford or Rebecca Romijn does the show? O'Brien: I like making women laugh. Always have, ever since I discovered you can get girls' attention by acting like an ass. That's one of the joys of the show -- I'm working my eyebrows and going grrr and she's laughing, the audience is laughing. It's all a big put-on and I'm thinking. This is great. Here is a beautiful woman who has no choice but to put up with this shit.
But it's not always put on. Sometimes they flirt back. Sometimes there's a bit of chemistry. That happened with Jennifer Connelly of The Rocketeer.
Playboy: One guest, Jill Hennessy, took off her pants for you. Then you removed yours. Even Penn and Teller took off their pants. O'Brien: Something comes over me. It happened with Rebecca Romijn -- I was practically climbing her. Those are the times when Andy and the audience seem to disappear and it's just me and this lovely woman sitting there flirting. I keep expecting a waiter to say, "More wine, Monsieur?"
Playboy: Would you lick the wine bottle? O'Brien: It's true, there's a lot of licking on the show. I have licked guests. I have licked Andy. Comedy professionals will read this and say, "Great work, Conan. Impressive." But I have learned that if you lick a guest, people laugh. If I pick this shoe off the floor, examine it, Hmmm, and then lick it, people laugh. I learned this lesson on The Simpsons, where I was the writer who was forever trying to entertain the other writers. I still try desperately to make our writers laugh, which is probably a sign of sickness since they work for me now. Licking is one of those things that look funny.
Playboy: Johnny Carson never licked Ed McMahon. O'Brien: We are much more physical and more stupid than the old Tonight Show. Even in our offices before the show there's always some writer acting out a scene crashing his head through my door. A behind-the-scenes look at our show might frighten people.
Playboy: One night you showed a doctored photo of Craig T. Nelson having sex with Jerry Van Dyke. Did they complain about it? O'Brien: I haven't heard from them. Of course I'm blessed not to be a part of the celebrity pond. I have a television show in New York, an NBC outpost. I don't run with or even run into many Hollywood people.
Playboy: You also announced that Tori Spelling has a penis. O'Brien: I did not. Polly the Peacock said that.
Playboy: Another character you use to say the outrageous stuff. O'Brien: Polly is not popular with the network.
Playboy: You mock Fabio, too. O'Brien: If he sues me, it'll be the best thing that ever happened. A publicity bonanza: Courtroom sketches of Fabio with his man-boobs quivering, shaking his fist, and me shouting at him across the courtroom. I'm not afraid of Fabio. He knows where to find me. I'm saying it right here for the record: Fabio, let's get it on.
Playboy: Ever have a run-in with an angry celeb? O'Brien: I did a Kelsey Grammar joke a few years ago, something about his interesting lifestyle, then heard through the network that he was upset. He had appeared on my show and expected some support. At this point my intellect says, "Kelsey Grammar is a public figure. I was in the right." Then I saw him in an airport. Kelsey didn't see me at first: I could have kept walking. But there he was, eating a cruller in the airport lounge. I thought I should go over. I said hello and then said, "Kelsey, I'm sorry if I upset you." And he was glad. He looked relieved. He said, "Oh, that's OK." We both felt better.
....See my other post with the last third of the interview

Chapter 1
Scene 1
Sunlight streamed through the windows of my modern apartment as I meticulously folded clothes and packed my bags, the anticipation of an upcoming trip tingling in the air. The day seemed ordinary enough until the doorbell shattered the tranquility.

Startled, I hurried to answer it, only to find Elena bursting into the house with her usual exuberance. She was a whirlwind of energy, her long chestnut hair tied back in a messy ponytail, her bright blue eyes sparkling with excitement. Her olive skin glowed with vitality, and her infectious smile lit up the room.

"Peter, what took you so long to answer?" she exclaimed, her voice carrying a mix of impatience and amusement as she took in the array of luggage before me.

I shrugged, avoiding her gaze. "Just packing for a trip."

Elena scoffed, her voice laced with sarcasm. "Immigrating, are we?" She scanned the room before turning her attention back to me. "Seriously, though, what's with all the luggage?"

I chuckled at her bluntness. "You know me, always overpacking."

She rolled her eyes, reaching for her phone and cranking up the volume on her favorite song. The heavy riff of "Passenger" by Deftones filled the room, adding a pulsating rhythm to our conversation.

Taking a seat at the cluttered kitchen table, Elena flashed me a mischievous grin. "I came to hang out with my friend. Is that a crime?"

I raised an eyebrow, eyeing her suspiciously.

Elena's laughter filled the room, unapologetic. "Okay, you caught me. I need your help." Despite my curiosity, apprehension flickered, yet her sparkling eyes drew me in. "Come on, Peter," she urged. "I promise it'll be worth your while."

"What do you need me for?" I asked, unable to resist her infectious enthusiasm.

Elena's brows furrowed, and she leaned in closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I was hired by a family in Silverlake to find their missing daughter, Emily. She disappeared without a trace, and I've been investigating this case for weeks. But I have zero leads."

I frowned. "And you think I can help?"

Elena nodded eagerly. "You're one of the best investigative journalists I know, Peter. Your skills are exactly what we need to crack this case wide open."

"I promised my mom I'd spend a vacation with her. I leave in 2 days. I'm sorry, I cannot help you," I said firmly, my resolve wavering in the face of Elena's determination.

"In 2 DAYS AND YOU'RE PACKING FROM NOW?!" Elena exclaimed incredulously.

"Well, I've got to be well prepared," I defended with a shrug, trying to downplay the urgency of the situation.

"This will be over in less than 2 days. All I need from you is to help me identify her last known location when she disappeared and any digital data you could find linked to her disappearance. Do that for me, and you can continue with your plan," Elena bargained, her eyes pleading with urgency.

I hesitated, torn between my obligations to my family and the pressing need to help Elena solve this mystery.

"Well, you could get that from CCTV cameras and her social media, what do you need me for?" I asked, raising my voice slightly to be heard over the blaring chorus of "Passenger."

The heavy guitars and pounding drums filled the room, drowning out Elena's next words as she searched my face for a response. "Well, don't you think I tried that?" she retorted, frustration evident in her voice. "I couldn't get access to CCTV footage, and her social media revealed nothing. I need a deeper search into the digital landscape, and you're the one I trust the most with this."

"One thing is never enough for you, though. You have a way of always pulling me with you, and I really need this. My mother needs me right now. I haven't seen her since the funeral, and I cannot let her down," I said, my voice cracking with emotion.

Elena's expression softened, her eyes reflecting understanding. She reached out and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I get it, Peter. Family comes first. But think about it, helping me could bring closure to another family who's desperate for answers."

Her words struck a chord within me, igniting a sense of duty and purpose that I couldn't ignore.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded slowly.

I grabbed a notebook and a pen, my determination solidifying as I focused on the task at hand. "I'll do it for the girl's family."

A flicker of relief crossed Elena's face, her shoulders sagging slightly as she realized I was onboard. "Thank you, Peter," she said, her voice tinged with gratitude.

"The town of Silverlake, where Emily had disappeared, was 140 miles away. It was a daunting distance, but one that felt insignificant in the face of the urgency of the situation. Little did I know, Emily wasn't the only one missing. There was a series of disappearances in Silverlake that had gone unnoticed until now."

With a shared glance, Elena and I made an unspoken agreement. We would go to Silverlake, together, to start investigating immediately.

Scene 2
As Elena and I approached the reception desk, the polished tiles of the lobby floor echoed softly beneath our steps, carrying an air of anticipation. The lobby itself exuded a quiet elegance, bathed in the soft glow of the afternoon sunlight streaming through the expansive windows. A gentle hum of activity filled the space, punctuated by the occasional rustle of papers.

The receptionist, a woman with an air of indifference, glanced up from her notebook as we approached. Her eyes, cool and assessing, swept over us before settling on Elena with a hint of curiosity. "How can I help you, dear?" she asked, her voice monotone yet tinged with a subtle edge of detachment.

Elena, undeterred by the receptionist's demeanor, greeted her with a warm smile that illuminated her features. "We're in need of a room for my friend here," she said, gesturing towards me with a nod of her head. "He'll be staying with us."

The receptionist's expression remained unchanged as she reached for another key, her movements precise and methodical. Retrieving the key, she handed it to me with a detached air. "Room 204, second floor, fourth room on the right," she repeated mechanically, her attention already drifting back to her notebook as if our presence was of little consequence.

As I accepted the key, my gaze was drawn to a striking symbol adorning the wall beside the reception desk – the Eye of Horus. Etched in gold against a backdrop of deep blue, its intricate design seemed to watch over the lobby with an enigmatic presence, casting a subtle aura of mystery over the space.

"it's all over the place in here they believe it protects them from evil" Elena shrugged, noticing my gaze lingering on the Eye of Horus.

I nodded thoughtfully, intrigued by the symbolism woven into the fabric of the hotel. "Interesting," I murmured.

With the key in hand, I turned to follow Elena as she led the way towards the staircase, the soft echo of our footsteps mingling with the hushed whispers of the hotel's guests. As we ascended the stairs.

As Elena entered the room, she immediately shed her coat and rushed to the counter, grabbing her phone. Without pause, the familiar strains of Metallica's "Master of Puppets" filled the room, blasting at an ear-splitting volume.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at Elena's predictable ritual.

"Okay, Mr. P, we have no time to waste," Elena declared over the blaring music, oblivious to my annoyance. "Grab your notebook and let's start with the case."

"Emily's disappearance was the initial focus of my investigation," Elena began, her eyes reflecting the seriousness of the matter. "According to her family, Emily was extremely close to her mother. Her life seemed to be on track, with a successful career in marketing and a new boyfriend. However, her parents didn't approve of her relationship with Matthew, citing him as a point of contention."

She paused, her gaze drifting as if searching for the right words to convey the complexity of the situation. "The police initially dismissed Emily's disappearance as a case of a young woman running away, especially since Matthew was also missing."

Elena's voice wavered slightly, betraying the weight of the uncertainty surrounding Emily's fate. "For a while, I entertained the possibility that Emily had indeed chosen to leave her life behind. But then, three days ago, another woman disappeared under similar circumstances."
"And where is Matthew?" I interjected, my mind grappling with the complexities of the case. "His friends and family filed a missing persons report on him as well. He disappeared one day before Emily. But there's no reason to think of him as a suspect, is there?"

Elena's expression darkened, mirroring the shadow of uncertainty that clouded my thoughts. "That's the perplexing part," she replied, her voice tinged with frustration. "All three people disappeared without a trace. One moment they were there, and the next... poof, disappeared as if they've been captured by ghosts."

Her words sent a chill down my spine, and I couldn't shake off the sense of foreboding that gripped me. It was as if we were peering into the abyss of the unknown, where answers remained elusive and danger lurked in the shadows.

As my mind raced, struggling to contain the torrent of thoughts swirling within, I sought desperately for patterns amidst the chaos. With furrowed brow, I turned to Elena, my voice trembling with urgency.

"Is there any connection between the third woman who disappeared and Emily or Matthew?" I inquired, grasping at straws in the hopes of unraveling the enigma before us.

Elena shook her head solemnly, her eyes reflecting the gravity of the situation. "No," she replied, her voice tinged with frustration. "The third woman is a 50-year-old, last seen exiting her workplace at the quaint bistro, La Petite Cuisine, and heading home."

The revelation sent a shiver down my spine, the realization sinking in that the disappearances were not isolated incidents but part of a larger, more sinister web of mystery. As I pondered the implications, a sense of unease settled over me, the unknown looming ominously on the horizon like a gathering storm.

"Listen, P," Elena's urgency resonated in her voice as she spoke, her words cutting through the tension in the room like a knife. "I acquired CCTV footage of Emily's last sighting, and that's what I need you for."

Without a moment's hesitation, she raced to retrieve her laptop, returning with it clutched tightly in her grasp. With a sense of urgency, she opened the device, revealing the footage of Emily walking down a seemingly ordinary square, her demeanor betraying no hint of the impending turmoil.

But then, like a sudden storm on a clear day, a police patrol car flashed across the screen, casting a shadow of doubt over the otherwise mundane scene. "That means the police have more information on Emily's last movements," I realized, a knot forming in the pit of my stomach.

In a voice tinged with frustration, Elena explained her futile attempts to obtain a statement from the police, leaving us stranded in a sea of uncertainty. It was a crucial piece of the puzzle that remained tantalizingly out of reach, teasing us with its elusiveness.

Turning to me with pleading eyes, Elena's hand reached out to grasp my arm, her wide eyes locking with mine in an unspoken plea. "I need you to secure an interview with the chief of police or any detective working the case," she implored, her voice soft but desperate. "You could still go on your awaited vacation with your mum afterward."

Her touch sparked a fire within me, "alright el I'll think of a plan but I need some rest first, maybe we could meet at the lobby after 2 hours?"

"Thank you, Peter, for real," Elena's gratitude washed over me, momentarily easing the weight of the task ahead. "Also, two hours sharp, don't be late, ey?"

I offered her a reassuring smile, my resolve firm. "I am always on time," I assured her, though a flicker of uncertainty danced behind my eyes.

"Yeah, right," Elena retorted sarcastically, her skepticism evident as she exited the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

As the door clicked shut behind her, a sense of apprehension settled over me like a heavy shroud. Contemplation mingled with reservation, and a hint of fear gnawed at the edges of my mind.
Scene 3
As Elena departed, I surveyed the room. It bore the marks of neglect, with faded wallpaper peeling at the edges and worn furniture showing signs of age. The bed, positioned against one wall, appeared tired and weathered, its mattress sagging in the middle and the sheets bearing wrinkles. Above the bed, an out-of-place symbol caught my attention once again - the Eye of Horus, its intricate design etched into a wooden plaque and mounted on the wall.

Feeling the weight of exhaustion settle upon me, I sank onto the bed, craving a moment of respite. Before I could even settle in, the insistent ring of my phone shattered the silence. With a resigned sigh, I reached for the device, noting the caller ID - it was my mother, FaceTiming me.

I answered her call, greeted by the warm glow of her smile radiating through the screen. Our exchange of greetings was laced with the gentle familiarity of mother and son.

"Hello, dear," she chimed, "So, you finally found some time to visit your old mum, did you? How kind of you."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, accustomed to the underlying reproach that often accompanied her affectionate words. "Yes, Mom," I replied, trying to mask the unease in my voice with forced cheerfulness. "I'm looking forward to spending some time with you."

Her smile widened. "Well, I'll believe it when I see it," she quipped, her words laden with a veiled challenge. "Don't keep me waiting too long now. You know how precious my time is."

"Are you calling me just to do that?" I interjected, a hint of frustration creeping into my voice.

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Do what, dear?" she inquired innocently.

I hesitated, the words catching in my throat as I grappled with the swirling emotions inside me. "Never mind, Mom," I murmured, a wave of guilt washing over me for even entertaining the notion of confronting her.

But before I could retract my statement, her expression softened, and her voice took on a tone of vulnerability that caught me off guard. "Listen, Peter, I'm sorry," she began, her words tinged with a hint of sadness. "I just miss you. You don't call enough, and it feels like there's nothing for us to talk about. I just..."

Her voice trailed off, leaving the weight of her unspoken words hanging heavy in the air between us. In that moment, I felt a pang of sympathy for the woman on the other end of the line, grappling with her own insecurities and yearning for connection in the only way she knew how.

"I understand," I replied softly, feeling a surge of empathy. "I've been too caught up in my work, but that's why I decided to take this vacation. I've missed you too, Mom, and I really am looking forward to spending more time with you."

A genuine smile spread across my mother's face, her eyes lighting up with warmth and relief. "Oh, Peter, that's wonderful to hear!" she exclaimed, her voice filled with genuine happiness. "I've missed you more than you know, dear. It's been too long since we've had a chance to catch up properly."

Before we could delve further into our conversation, my mother couldn't resist injecting a bit of her trademark humor. "Well, now that you're finally taking a break from work, maybe you'll have some time to find yourself a nice, not-at-all-crazy wife," she teased, a mischievous twinkle dancing in her eye.

Her playful jab elicited a hearty chuckle from me, knowing full well it was all in good fun. "We'll see, Mom," I replied with a laugh, shaking my head affectionately. "But for now, I think I'll focus on spending time with my favorite woman - you."

With a heartwarming laugh, my mother waved goodbye, her parting words carrying a hint of playful insistence. "Don't forget to keep your eyes open, Peter! You never know when Mrs. Right might come along," she quipped before ending the call, leaving me smiling at her enduring humor and unwavering love.

As she hung up, the old bed's worn embrace felt oddly inviting. I sank into its tired folds, finding unexpected comfort in its familiarity, and drifted into a well-deserved sleep.

scene 4

The sound of my alarm rang, and I half-opened my eyes, seeing only in black and white. I hit snooze and repeated the process five times until I finally woke up. I hoped Elena wouldn’t get mad at me for being late. The bed squeaked as I got up, and I hastily washed my face. As I turned on the water tap, I noticed water droplets leaking from the sides.

"Jeez, this place needs serious renovations," I muttered to myself.

I walked to the lobby, only to meet Elena.

"Hi, El," I said, bracing myself for Elena to scold me for my lateness.

"Hello, Peter," she replied in a low voice. She seemed to be staring at a void behind me, her face expressionless and still. I took a step closer to her.

"El, you okay? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, all is good. Uhm, weren't you supposed to leave for a trip to see your mom?"

"Well, yeah, in two days. I'll help you with this thi—" I began, confusion visible on my face, but Elena interrupted me. Her voice was firm, yet she avoided making eye contact.

"No, Peter, it's fine. I've thought about it, and I don't need your help anymore. You can go."

"I am not your toy, Elena. You can't just make me travel with you and then ask me to leave before I even get the chance to do anything," I snapped, my anger blinding me to the obvious. There was something Elena was hiding, and I needed to be calm to understand what was going on.

I tried to salvage the situation by apologizing and reassuring her that I was by her side, but it was too late. Elena's eyes welled up with tears. "I'm sorry, but please, Peter, leave. Go on your trip," she said, storming out of the lobby.

As she left, I noticed a necklace with the Eye of Horus dangling around her neck. Why does Elena wear this, and why is this place filled with an ancient Egyptian symbol? I froze, unsure of what to do. As I ran after Elena, desperation gnawed at my insides. She wasn't in front of the lobby anymore. I hopped into my car and started scouring the streets, telling myself she couldn't have gone too far.

I drove down every street, checked every alley, but Elena was nowhere to be found. Panic rose within me, and my breath quickened as I frantically tried to contact her, only to find her phone out of service.

Finally, I parked in front of an old bar. It was midnight by now, and the place was bustling with people. As I entered, I was greeted by a middle-aged man with a full beard. "Hey, newcomer, welcome to the Allure Bar," he slurred, his breath heavy with alcohol. He introduced himself as Michael Convivial, the owner of the bar, and offered me a shot on the house since it was my first time there.

"I didn't come here for the drinks," I said, the song 'What Am I to You' playing softly in the background. I showed him a photo of Elena, and he instantly recognized her, laughing as he muttered something I couldn't quite catch.

"That crazy girl who still hopes," he said, his speech slurred. He mentioned that he last saw her two days ago.

As I stepped out of the bar and headed towards my car, a ping from my phone startled me. It was a message from an unknown ID, accompanied by a chilling photo. In it, Elena lay unconscious, her Eye of Horus necklace smashed beside her. The caption sent shivers down my spine: "Listen to Elena, outsider. Get out of Silverlake and don't get involved in a fight you've got nothing to do with."

Dread washed over me as I stared at the image, my mind racing with questions.

As my fingers moved almost of their own accord, typing out a message, my mind raced with a mixture of fear and determination.

"I don't know who you are, but I will soon, and I will make you pay," I wrote, my fingers trembling slightly as I pressed send. "You've made it personal by kidnapping Elena, and I won't let you hurt her even more, you hear me?!"

Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared at the screen. I never knew I cared for Elena this deeply until this moment. The thought of her in danger filled me with a sense of fierce protectiveness, driving me to do whatever it takes to bring her back safely.

First of all, I want to thank everyone here for the kindness and support you’ve given me. Because of this forum I don’t feel alone, and I look forward to better days…❤️
That being said, I’m now 32 weeks and my sugars have been awful. Always between 150-198 and fastings have been in the 110s. I keep calling my MFM clinic for advice but they’re not picking up the damned phones. I’m currently at 90 units of lantus in the morning and 40 units at night. I literally can’t eat anything right now. Even meals with zero net carbs or no carbs at all (just protein and veg) get me sugars close to the 140 range. I could just cry. Every time I dread testing my sugar because I don’t want to see how high the numbers get. And I think I’m hurting my baby!! She’s moving around and everything seems fine but I fear I may have set her up for failure during birth, if she has to go to NICU because I couldn’t control my sugars it will be all my fault 😭 and I won’t be able to live with myself. I just wish she could come out now so my body won’t hurt her anymore. I feel like I’m the only one on my care team that’s panicking right now and that’s not right.
EDIT: Thank you all for the encouraging words and positive energy. They finally called me back and now I’ll be on mealtime insulin as well. Luckily this is also in pen form like the lantus. Well, here’s to hoping it helps me eat a little more. Yall this is definitely a medically induced eating disorder and I have a long road of recovery ahead of me after baby is born.

Has anyone else noticed that Calcharo is the only character that is specifically affected by ping?
From my findings, Calcharo at low ping (below 120/130) His second basic in ult form does generate stacks for his death messenger but at higher ping (above 130/140) he somehow loses the ability to gain that second stack immediately screwing up his ability to do death messenger after the fifth basic.
Here is how it should go
https://youtu.be/H5aUrQ0p62g
And here is how it shouldn't (sorry for the second video not being in the same format but you can see he doesn't get 2 death messenger)
https://youtu.be/MEOS1uB6Ypo
https://youtu.be/EAJ4wr3_h9Y
I feel this like this should be talked about more. Please help spread the word.

Mod Applications:
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Hi Trailblazers!
⭐🚂 Welcome to the Daily Questions Megathread! Feel free to ask any general questions about Honkai: Star Rail that don't necessarily require their own dedicated posts.
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Hi guys!
Just updated the info for the APPE Rotation and Pharmacotherapeutics with a completely fillable PDF form title "Medical and Medical History Form" that is a very helpful to collect information about a patient during your rotations or your pharmacotherapeutics case presentations. It is pretty decently complete and had a nifty "Clear Form" button at the top that allows you to clear all the info you put onto the form with just one-click. A expanded medication list is included after Page 4 of the PDF in case a patient has a lot of medications. Also includes a fillable lab and SOAP note section! Feel free to use it as you see fit!
Happy studying!

DAY: MAY 26 2024
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Immortal Jellycat (Slime cat true form)
Lvl 30 (same as slime & jelly) Cost: 450 HP: 1700 DMG: 25550 Range: 140 KB: 1 Speed: 15 DPS: 2802 TBA: 9.07s Animation: 0.30s Spawn: 12.53s Target: Single
Abilities: Wave lvl 5 Zombie killer 100% lethal strike
I know all of us want a slime true form, but it’s hard to come up with something without making him more devastating than he already is. I didn’t add much, but I did improve both his generalist and specialist kits. He has always been good with burrowing zombies, but the lack of zombie killer allowed them to destroy him when they revived. With zombie killer, he becomes a hard counter to zombie peons, and it also fits with the immortal jellyfish which can revive itself from the brink of death to a baby. This leads into the other new ability which is 100% lethal strike. This doesn’t change much but does make it so that if he doesn’t get a hit in it has another chance (and due to long TBA it most likely won’t lead to 2 attacks).

Hi everyone. It’s always the elephant in the room to me, but this… this is a lot later than I hoped and expected the revamp guide to come out. I know many of you are still waiting patiently for it and I thank you for that, but no matter what you say it’s still not really right its been so long (don’t start me on Ireland, but that is next) and I am very sorry for that.
But it’s here now, so let’s take a look at the Revamped Ukraine Soc Lib and Soc Dem Republic Paths!
Actually a note first. The paths are pretty event heavy since a lot, and I mean a lot, of events affect Idealism/Wing Influence or the junior partner’s Coalition Attitude. That means more slides and unfortunately because of space can not show everything here. So for the events that trigger from the focus tree and the history file (so the ones that will spawn at a certain date), they all are included as a link. A few other slides in different sections I'm about to touch up as well, but you can see all of it together when I port it over to the Wikia later on tonight.
As always, any questions, comments, concerns, but more importantly corrections and suggestions, are always welcome and encouraged!
---

Republican Victory in the AHR

UKR AHR Republicans Victory

Victory as the VDR
With defeat imminent, the Hetman will abdicate and flee Ukraine. The O-M will take control of the government, immediately entering negotiations with the VDR. A few days later Symon Petliura will declare the second Ukrainian People’s Republic, successor to the short-lived one during the Weltkrieg, and assume leadership of the country with the soc dem Republican Council until elections are called.
A little over two weeks after victory, Land Reform and Industrialization will start, and many foci in the focus tree will help advance these. More about Land Reform and Industrialization below. If Land Reform is not handled correctly, the government may find itself on the wrong side of history, which may lead to its ousting.

Runup to Elections

Pre-Election Events
In the run up to elections, the Socialist Bloc (the alliance of moderate and left wing socialist parties), with its goal of ousting the Hetman achieved, will dissolve. The two major factions of the old Bloc will now have to compete with each other in the upcoming elections.
The constitution of the original People’s Republic will be restored, and amended as needed. A unique national spirit will be given based on the two changes possibly made to the Constitution.
To replace the Hetman, the position of Chairman (of the Republic) will be created, which will be elected by the National Zbory once elections are held. Whichever party or alliance comes out victorious in the upcoming elections will all but guarantee its candidate will become Chairman.

1937 General Election

Start of the 1937 Election
Election Events
The first elections to the National Zbory (or Assembly), successor to the Soim, will take place over 150 days, with the campaigns kicking off a little over a month from the victory in the Anti-Hetman Revolt.
Players will take control and play as one of three parties:

• Ukrainian Radical Democratic Party (URDP, Soc Lib)
• Ukrainian Social Democratic Workers' Party (USDRP, Soc Dem)
• Workers’ Democratic Union (RDS, Rad Soc). The RDS is made up of two parties, the UPS-R (Ukrainian Party of Socialist-Revolutionaries), and the R-RB (Council-Revolutionary Bloc).

The election will be won by the party with the most support at the end of the 150 election season. All start at zero and will increase or decrease from a series of events over that time. The election event chain options will be unique depending on the party being played as. (Though covered below in the party’s victory, mini-game variables are set up at this time, and the event options may influence them as well). The leading party and projected election result can be seen in the decision tab.
In addition to the main event chain, Germany (whose AI will always choose to do so) and the Commune of France (a 50% chance) may choose to influence the elections. Germany’s effects will differ depending on the party the player is playing as, while the Commune will throw its support behind the Workers’ Democratic Union.
There are two instances the party may make promises to the people concerning Land Reform and Industrialization. If they are not kept (ie. each Score is not above a respective threshold), the new government will ‘pay the price’ (loss of PP, stability, and ruling party pop), later on down the road.
While there are many situations that can lead to a specific outcome, once all the votes are counted and meetings held, the election will end in three ways:

• The URDP forms the government (in a coalition with the USDRP) (Radical Victory)
• The USDRP forms the government (in a coalition with the URDP) (Mandate for the Workers)
• A RDS victory, but in appeasement to Berlin the Workers’ Democratic Union will become the junior member of a coalition with the USDRP in charge. (Revolution From Within)

Radical Victory

Radicals Form the New Government
URDP Events
A Radical Touch Focus Tree Effects
(Full Focus Tree and History Events can be seen here)
If the URDP (Ukrainian Radical Democratic Party) manages to take reins of government, it will do so as the head of a coalition with the opposition USDRP as the junior member. When the National Zbory votes for the inaugural Chairman of the Republic it will choose between Party Leader Oleksandr Shulhyn or surprise candidate Archduke Wilhelm/Vasyl Vyshyvanyi.
Whoever is elected Chairman will have to balance both the inter-party relations in the coalition (the USDRP) to keep it going, but also the intra-party factions of the URDP itself. Note that the balancing act will last until the war with Russia starts. Once this happens the attitude and influence levels will be frozen.
The USDRP’s attitude can be seen in the decision tab, and has four levels: Uncooperative, Indifferent, Cooperative, and Amenable. Each level will give bonuses associated with it, with +/- 0.10-0.20 Political Power Gain initially. Through various foci and events more bonuses can be added to them, such as consumer goods factories, construction speed, and even industrial score. But supporting causes in opposition to the USDRP may cause its lower attitude levels to give worse and worse negative buffs. If the USDRP holds an Uncooperative attitude for too long the coalition will not be able to last. Generally speaking, what is good for the URDP is bad for the USDRP and vice-versa; it requires a delicate balancing of the two to keep the coalition going.
The URDP is made up of three factions: a Right wing, Centre wing, and Left wing, with three levels of influence, Low, Moderate, and High. Having one or more of the wings with a High influence will grant increased focus bonuses. But, keeping a faction's influence High will lower the other two wing’s influence after some time (Seen in the Failstate section below). And if a wing has Low influence for too long it may break from the government.
Decisions are available to increase the influence of each of the factions. During the period of Land Reform and Industrialization, increasing the influence of the Left or Right will spend those Scores, respectively. Increasing the Centre will cost PP. If one of the wings’ influence is Low, the costs to increase it will be doubled. After Land Reform and Industrialization is over, increasing Right influence will temporarily cost Consumer Goods Factories, while the Left will cost Base Stability.
Hovering over the first focus in the branch (dynamic to the party, in this case A Radical Touch) will give an overview of what to expect from a URDP playthrough. Hovering over the first focus in the post-war tree, A New Sunrise, will give an overview of how the URDP can stay in power once the post-war elections are held. This is also explained below under Post-War Elections.

URDP Failstate

URDP Failstate
Ukraine will enter a failstate if one of the URDP’s factions revolts, or the USDRP leaves the coalition. A number of events and foci will become unavailable, and the URDP will not be able to win the post-2WK elections.
If one of the wings hit Low influence, there will be a 140 day window to get the influence back up to Moderate. This can be done through decision, events, or foci, but it must be completed or else the faction will revolt. If more than one is low at the same time only one will be in that 140 window: first the Right, then the Left, and finally the Centre.

• If the Right revolts, the Right wing of the party (shown as the Market Liberals) will leave the coalition and form a new political party, the Ukrainian People’s Peasants Party. The USDRP will stay in the government but it will only give bonuses if its attitude is Amenable.
• If the Centre revolts, the URDP will fall into disarray. It will not leave the party like the Right wing, but will no longer be the voice of reason and responsibility against the left and right. Shulhyn will gain a new, negative trait, and will replace Vyshyvanyi as Chairman if Vyshyvanyi was previously elected.
• If the Left revolts, it will start to obstruct the party’s initiatives. The revolt will take its toll on the Prime Minister, Andrii Nikovskyi, who will gain a new, negative trait.

If the USDRP’s attitude lowers to Uncooperative there will be a 180 day window to get it back up to at least Indifferent. This can be done through foci and events, but must be done or the party will leave the coalition. If it ends up leaving the government will no longer have a majority in the National Zbory and will become a Minority Government. As such, no bonuses pertaining to the coalition will be given, and the influences of the URDP’s factions will be frozen.

Mandate for the Workers

Social Democrats Form the New Government
USDRP Events
Ascension of the Workers' Party Focus Tree Effects
(Full Focus Tree and History Events can be seen here)
If the USDRP (Ukrainian Social Democratic Workers' Party) manages to take reins of government, it will do so as the head of a coalition with the opposition URDP as the junior member. Party Leader Isaak Mazepa will be elected by the National Zbory as the inaugural Chairman of the Republic.
Mazepa will have to balance both the inter-party relations in the coalition (the USDRP) to keep it going, but also the Idealism of the party. Note that the balancing act will last until the war with Russia starts. Once this happens attitude and Idealism levels will be frozen.
The USRDP prides and positions itself as the only (major) republican party in Ukraine that is united in its platform and not to have fallen to factionalism … on the surface that is. There is a tug of war between the pragmatists and idealists inside the party that will take its toll on the idealism (the commitment to its principles) of the USDRP. Idealism will start at zero (or 1 if an election event choice was taken) and will raise and lower between -4 and +6. It will lower by 1 every 100 days but every 250 days may be increased by 1 (up to three times). Various events and foci will increase and decrease Idealism. Generally speaking, if the action is against the Party’s principles it will cost a point of Idealism. If it is inline with it, a point won’t be spent and instead a bonus will be given based on the number of Idealism points at the time.
The stronger the Idealism of the Party, the stronger the bonuses will be from various foci. Conversely, the lower the Idealism the lower the bonuses that will be given (if at all). If Idealism falls to -4, it will have a negative effect on the government and on the Party’s Leader.
Note, a few months after forming the new government, Symon Petliura, interim head of state after the ousting of the Hetman, will become available for military duty (as a Military High Command Advisor). His trait, the Chief Otaman, will change based on the current level of Idealism. With low Idealism (0 or less), he will give boosts to stability and war support. With +1 or +2 Idealism, he will boost factory output and the recruitable population. With Idealism at 3 or more, he will boost Land Reform Score, and political power gain. Depending on what is needed, it may be wise to hold off hiring him until Idealism is at the level you’d like his trait to be. Hiring him and raising his skill as a General may see him make a political return post-war.
The URDP’s attitude can be seen in the decision tab, and has four levels: Uncooperative, Indifferent, Cooperative, and Amenable. Each level will give bonuses associated with it, with +/- 0.10-0.20 Political Power Gain initially. Through various foci and events more bonuses can be added to them, such as consumer goods factories, construction speed, and factory output. But supporting causes in opposition to the URDP may cause its lower attitude levels to give worse and worse negative buffs. If the URDP holds an Uncooperative attitude for too long the coalition will not be able to last. Generally speaking, what is good for the URDP is bad for the USDRP and vice-versa; it requires a delicate balancing of the two to keep the coalition going.
Hovering over the first focus in the branch (dynamic to the party, in this case 'Ascension of the Workers’ Party) will give an overview of what to expect from a USDRP playthrough. Hovering over the first focus in the post-war tree, A New Sunrise, will give an overview of how the USDRP can stay in power once the post-war elections are held. This is also explained below under Post-War Elections.

USDRP Failstate

USDRP Failstate
Ukraine will enter a failstate if Idealism hits -4, or the URDP leaves the coalition. A number of events and foci will become unavailable, and the USDRP will not be able to win the post-2WK elections.
Having hit +4 Idealism, Mezepa will realize just how far the party has strayed from its core principles. No longer is it a mass movement of the working class, but now is a rational and responsible people’s party. He will gain a new, negative trait, and the Idealism mechanic will be disabled.
If the URDP’s attitude lowers to Uncooperative there will be a 180 day window to get it back up to at least Indifferent. This can be done through foci and events, but must be done or the party will leave the coalition. If it ends up leaving the government will no longer have a majority in the National Zbory and will become a Minority Government. As such, no bonuses pertaining to the coalition will be given, Idealism will be set to zero and frozen.

Franco-British-Ukrainian Trade Deal

Eyes to the Left: An Internationale Trade Agreement
In October 1937 the USDRP government will reach out to the Internationale in an attempt to negotiate a trade deal. The purpose is to loosen the grip of the Germans as they use the economic pact Ukraine is in, Mitteleuropa, against it to force their views.
Ukraine will send either URDP member Arnold Margolin or USDRP member Mykhailo Yeremivv to Paris to negotiate. Sending Margolin will spend a point of Idealism, but will increase the chance of a deal by 20%. Conversely, sending Yeremivv will gain a point of Idealism, but will decrease the chance of a deal by 20%, though any successful deal will be greater than Margolin can ask for.
Once he arrives in Paris, the negotiator can propose one of three deals:

• For Industrial Assistance - Land Reform Score increases and Civilian Factories
• For Consumer Goods - Gives PP and Soc Dem Party Pop
• Choose to sell Oil - This option combines both Industrial Assistance and Consumer Goods, but decreased the deal’s chance by 20%.
  • This choice can only be selected if the Industrialization Decision ‘BASF Petroleum Development’ was already completed.

When the German government hears of the negotiations it will demand an explanation. Ukraine has a few options on how to deal with the Germans (hovering over the options will show Germany’s acceptance rate):

• Limit the scale of the agreement: the success or failure of placating the Germans will be affected by who the negotiator is, the current government of Germany (DU is better), and the level of Idealism (having 1 or less is better).
• Cancel the deal: It will not go through and a point of Idealism will be lost, but the URDP’s attitude will approve.
• Sweet talk the Ambassador: the success or failure of placating the Germans will be affected by who the negotiator is, the current government of Germany (DU is better), and the level of Idealism (having 2 or more is better).
• Revisit the German-Ukrainian Treaty signed after the overthrow of the Hetman: This will guarantee the deal goes through, but will also increase the German Minor Privileges national spirit to Moderate, or from Moderate to Major, or if already at Major, will add negative base stability and PP.
  • This will make it impossible for the USDRP to win a major election victory.

If the Germans accept, the deal chosen in the second event will be signed and the bonuses given.
If the Germans reject it, no deal will be negotiated, two points of Idealism will be lost, will add negative base stability and PP, and worsen the attitude of the URDP.

URDP Party Conference

URDP Party Congress
Also for the USDRP, a couple months later in December 1937, the player will be warned that PP should be saved up to combat the future rise of the URDP’s Right wing. This comes at a critical time as Land Reform and Industrialization is ongoing which use up much of the country’s PP, so plan carefully.
Three months later the URDP is planning to hold its yearly Party Conference in three months. During this time the party’s three factions (the Right, Centre, and Left) will jostle for influence, for whichever has the most at the end of the three month period will take control of the party. This can help or hurt the USDRP as the URDP is the junior member of the governing coalition.
It is the Right’s race to lose as it holds the most influence going into the three months, at 4. Next is the Centre at 3, and then the Left at 2. Every 10 days the Right’s influence will increase by 1.5 automatically until the end of the Conference is held. This can be combated every five days by spending 10pp to reduce its influence by 1. In addition, the Centre’s can be increased by 1.5 every 10 days for 10pp as well. To increase the Left’s (also every 10 days) initially costs only 5pp, but each time the decision is taken five more pp is added to the cost, capping at 50pp.
At the end of the three months, whichever wing has the most influence will see its leader become the new URDP Chairman:

• Having the Right take over will be detrimental to coalition relations, and will start to drain PP and Base Stability, even at the best of relations. The only way to remove the debuffs is to complete a focus at the bottom of the focus tree: ‘A President for the People’.
• Having the Centre take over will smooth over URDP relations and give a PP boost.
• Having the Left take over will be beneficial to the USDRP, having a more cooperative junior member in the coalition.

On National Defence

On National Defence
For both the URDP and USDRP, as long as the government coalition did not collapse, at the very end of 1938 the National Defence Bill will be proposed in the National Zbory. Over the next 13 months, a number of conditions will have to be met to increase the chance (or guarantee) the Bill will pass.
There are seven conditions in total, and ar checked when the Bill is put up to a vote at the end of the 13 months:

• Stability is higher than 70%
• War Support is higher than 50%
• Coalition Attitude is Cooperative or Amenable
• Land Reform, AND Industrialization Scores are above 90
• The focus Ukrainian Land Fund, AND Progressive Tax Policy have been completed
• At last three foci from the military tree, branching from but including Expansion of Kyiv Military Academey have been completed
• Party Specific:
  • For the URDP, the Centre wing’s influence is Moderate or High
  • For the USDRP, Idealism is 1 or more

Having only two or less will guarantee it fails. With three there is a 20% chance it will pass. With four, 40%. With five, 60%. With six, 80%. All seven guarantee it passes.
If the Bill passes, a national spirit will be given reducing the production cost of various equipment by 10% for two years. If Ukraine is a German puppet, has the best trade deal with Germany (Minor German Privileges) AND had previously negotiated the Franco-British-Ukrainian Trade Deal, it will see its autonomy raised, becoming independent.
If it fails there will be a PP loss, and the USDRP will not be able to win a major election victory.
Pass or fail, three months later, if any URDP Wings are at Low influence each will be raised to Moderate.

War with Russia

Russia Prepares for War
In the immediate period before Russia (socialist or not) declares war, Ukraine will receive a difficulty setting event regarding the upcoming war. A player may choose to make the war harder by stopping German (and its allies’) troops from defending its border specifically, or even harder by stopping those troops from any country that took part in the Eastern European Defence Cooperation. This player only event is given to all countries in the Eastern European Defence Cooperation, and Ukraine/Poland if either had joined the Donau-Aribund.
When war does break out there will be a proposal to form a National Unity Government by allowing the opposition RDS into government. Forming it will set the coalition’s attitude to Indifferent, but will make it impossible for the URDP or USDRP to win a major election victory (attitude must be Amenable). But, not forming it will take its toll on the populace if the war starts to go south. For every core state lost to Russia, the National Opposition national spirit debuff will grow by -2% Recruitable Populace Factor, and -1% Core Territory Division Defence. Retaking the states will reverse the debuffs.

A Dream Come True

A Dream Come True: Post-War URDP and USDRP Content
URDP/USDRP Epilogues
With the 2WK over and the peace conference completed, the post-war content for the URDP and the USDRP will unlock, and elections held. See directly below for the elections as the outcome will unlock one of the four mutually exclusive in the tree.
With the post-war elections out of the way, one of four mutually exclusive foci will unlock in the tree. While giving a national spirit to the situation Ukraine finds itself in, each will give a sort of epilogue too. With three outcomes per focus, all twelve can be seen above, and in two of them for the USDRP, Petliura will have his leader description updated. Finally, 'Testament Fulfilled' gives an overall ending event, which is also included above.

Post-War Elections

First Post-War Republican Elections
With victory over Russia, elections to the National Zbory postponed due to war can finally be held. The government (either the URDP or the USDRP) will have had to get through three or four hurdles, respectively, to stay in power. If the conditions are met the party will win a minor election victory.

• Land Reform and Industrialization Scores must both be above 90,
• Ukraine did not reach 60% surrender progress in war.
• Party Specific:
  • For the URDP, it must not have suffered any internal revolts of its wings
  • For the USDRP, it did not let Idealism hit -4, AND did not allow the URDP-Right wing to take control of the URDP.

If the URDP only met one of its conditions it will be shut out of the new government completely. If it met two conditions it will become the junior partner in a coalition with the USDRP.
Meeting all three conditions, Volodymyr Dolenko of the URDP-Right may be elected the new Chairman, switching to Market Liberal (but the Right wing’s influence must be equal to or greater than the Left’s). If the Left’s is greater than the right, Andrii Nikovskyi may be elected Chairman instead.
If the USDRP only met one or two of its conditions it will be shut out of the new government completely. If it meets three conditions, it will become the junior partner in a coalition with the URDP.
Meeting all four conditions means Mazepa or Prime Minister Panas Fedenko may be (re-)elected Chairman, if Petliura was NOT hired as an advisois a level 4 or more Marshal. If Petliura was hired and is of appropriate rank, he can be elected instead.
There are three extra conditions that, if met, will result in a major election victory for the party (and it will get to choose which parties it allows into the coalition).
For the URDP:

• The National Unity Government must NOT have been formed.
• The Centre wing has High influence.
• The USDRP’s attitude is Amenable.

For the USDRP:

• The National Unity Government must NOT have been formed,
• The National Defence Act and a Trade Agreement with the British and French was agreed to and Germany has only Minor Privileges (the national spirit Minor German Privileges)
• The URDP’s attitude is Amenable.

For the URDP, if all six conditions are met, either Dolenko or Nikovskyi may be elected without conditions. In addition, Shulhyn and Vyshyvanyi may be (re-)elected Chairman.
For the USDRP, if all seven conditions are met, Mazepa, Fedenko, or Petliura may be elected without conditions. In addition, Mykola Kovalevskyi can be elected Chairman.

Later Republican Elections

Later Republican Elections
Four years after the first post-war elections the next scheduled elections will take place. Unlike the first these will be two separate events.
The first will be the election to the National Zbory, which will change the ruling party:

• If the USDRP is in power, the URDP can form a centrist coalition and shut the USDRP out of the government.
• The URDP can lead a new coalition with the USDRP
• The USDRP can lead a new coalition with the URDP
• The USDRP can form a left-wing coalition allying with the RDS (which will form the Revolutionary Bloc), shutting the URDP out of the government.

Note the URDP-Right can only take power in the first elections, and will not be able to form a new government in the second and succeeding elections.
The second event is the election of the CHairman of the republic.

• Oleksandr Shulhyn - Available to a government led by Andrii Nikovskyi
• Vasyl Vyshyvanyi - Available to a Soc Lib government
• Opanas Fedenko - Available if the government does NOT have a coalition with the Soc Cons
• Symon Petliura - Available if the government does NOT have a coalition with the Soc Cons
• Nykyfir Hryhoriiv - Available if the government has a coalition with the Rad Socs

---
For those of us in the US, a very Happy, but solemn, Memorial Day today!
Thank you!

Roll…roll…roll…
KER-SMASH!
“Good one, Rock. One more and you’ve got yourself a turkey.” Parker Markle, owner of the bowling establishment, noted.
“Thanks, Parker”, I said, thankfully accepting another longneck, “You still going on with your renovations here?”
“Damn straight!”, he replied, “I’ve got me investors, I’ve got me plans, and I’ve even got me real building permits this time…”
Two weeks later, we’re standing out in front of Parker’s still smoldering bowling alley and Parker is on the verge of tears.
“God damn shame”, I said, trying to commiserate my friend.
“Fucking squatters. Can’t even start on the renovations without these bastards…We chuck’em out of your place and the fuckers burn the place down. Hear from the local constabulary yet?”
“Yeah”, he snuffs, “Fucker’s ain’t got a hard dollar among them; nor two cents in their heads. Sure, I can sue, but to what purpose? Look at the place. I had my investors…I had plans…I’m well and truly fucked, Rock.”
“How much you out? “I asked, “How much you need to rebuild and remodel?”
“Oh, fuck me”, Parker trembled, “At least $55-60 thou. Where the fuck am I supposed to come up with that sort of scratch?”
Ker-ching!
I chucked my empty into the bin.
SPANG!
Parker immediately, without asking, dips into the ever-present cooler and hands me an icy-cold one.
In return, I hand Parker my business Rhodium American Express card.
“What’s this?”, he asks.
“It’s my entry into the world of keggeling and conspicuous consumer consumption” I chuckled.
“What the fuck?”, Parker asked, brow furrowed like the early spring marijuana fields hereabouts.
“Use it to order your needful things”, I said, “I’ve got way more than 60 thou free on the card. I mean, let’s not go nuts…”
“You mean?” He asked, quizzically.
“Yep.”, I replied, “Your wishes have been answered…sort of.
Parker looks at me with wide, wondering eyes.
“I’m your god-damned partner.” I smiled as I lit a huge Oscuro cigar; channeling Marion Ravenwood.
“Oh, fuck”, Parker suddenly breaks into a mile-wide smile. “We’re going to be the first bowling alley to have a walk-in humidor, aren’t we?”
“Fuckin-A, Bubba.”, I chuckle, “Plus a Class-A liquor license. Enough of this Class-B slinging beer for bucks bullshit, we’re going to have us a real tavern here on the green…”
“Let me get my plans”, Parker laughs, “I never thought of going the Class-A direction.”
“We’re going to serve more than pre-nuked wings and slate-board pizza.” I said, “We’re going to have 75 lanes, a full-service tavern, walk-in humidor, 80s arcade, and real fucking food. I remember you going on and on about it before the fire. Well, I haven’t forgotten what you’re dreaming about, so fuck it, let’s just do it.”
“It might go a bit past 60 large”, Parker said, slightly uncertainly.
“Let’s just keep it under 100k and for the love of grog, don’t say anything to Esme…”, I pleaded with Parker.
“I’ll do my best”, Parker said, as a manly handshake ensued.
“This could be the start of a beautiful friendship” I nattered.
Between my American Express card and Parker’s insurance pay out, we’ve got more than enough to start selecting contractors and hire us a security team. We’ve had the plans drawn up, had all the blueprints drafted, reviewed and OK’ed by the various governmental departments.
We are ready to tear down what remains of the old place, groom the land, and begin our re-build.
But first, there’s this little problem neither of us had foreseen.
What the fuck are we going to do with over 1,500 scorched pins and 800 or so blistered bowling balls?
We’ve already ordered all new pinsetters, pins and balls; so, what to do with all the leftovers…?
What to do?
What to do?
Of course! We hold a pre-opening carnival and sell tickets to a bowling ball mortar game.
No shit! Carve out a big-ass target out in some field, and fire bowling ball mortars. The closest ticket to where the ball lands wins.
We can worry about the details later.
First, I need to gin-up a set of bowling ball mortars. We’re going to introduce the southwest to Bowling Ball Bingo!
Hell. We’ll make it a huge pre-opening event: bowling ball punt guns, food trucks, local music, games of skill, food trailers, local brewery participation, drinking and merry making.
Still going to need some bowling ball cannons.
But first, we’ll need a place to hold the festivities.
No worries.
Y’see. I know this guy…
Now, in town, there’s been a lot of building. In fact, it looks overly developed.
However, go outside of town a couple of miles, and it’s heavily rural, fallow, and all agrarian.
Then there happens to be an old Junior League baseball diamond that’s been closed for years and in an advanced stage of neglect and derelictitis. However, it’s right off the main exit highway and nestled up closely to the San Juan River. Loads and loads of area to expand and have a nice little festivity.
I know the owner, the venerable ol’ bean Gilberto Cabrera.
So, I load up with beer and cigars and drive over to see Gilberto.
He’s outside his one-up, two-down, three across shotgun shack, sipping warm Modeles and cursing every aspect of life he’s currently been assigned.
I roll up and Gilberto instinctively reaches for his trusty double-barreled Ruger, gauge of 12.
“Whoa!”, I shout. “Just me, Gil. Kindly ol’ Doctor Rock.”
“What the fuck do you want?”, he growls.
“Hey!”, I yell, “Use low tones, or you can’t have any of the goodies I brought back from Canada.”
He props the shotgun over in a corner and being the avaricious old bastard he normally is, he bids me over to the porch to have a rag-chew and he a rifle of my truck’s built-in humidor.
I wander up and present him some pure maple syrup, fresh from Walmart, a half dozen cigars and a cold 12 pack of straight from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s (“The beer refreshing”).
We sit and catch up with each other. He’s an old widower and never had time for kids, so he’s grateful to have someone at least approximately his age to rabbit on with. He’s either 70 or 125, or somewhere in between.
It’s hard to tell with some of these old, wrinkly types.
Anyways, I broach the subject of ‘borrowing’ his land in and adjacent to the old ballpark.
“What fer?” He asks.
“Well,” I reply between sips of some recently obtained Kentucky Firewater, “Parker Markle and I are partners in a new rebuild of his bowling alley, which the squatters burned to a crisp once we got the local fuzz to chuck’em out.”
“Aye?”, he scowls, “Bastards. What does that have to do with me?”
“We decided to hold an impromptu festival, a couple of days, for grand re-opening, where we’d get some folk in to cater the event, with music, maybe some carnival-type rides, local food trucks and trailers, petting zoo for the kids, maybe a pick-up softball game or two and (saving the best for last) Bowling Ball Bingo.”
“What the hell’s that last one?” He wondered.
“Well, we’ve got nearly 1,000 old and slightly scorched bowling balls from the fire. Parker’s got new stock coming in with the insurance money. So, what better way to dispose of old bowling balls by building a couple of cannons, firing the balls skyward and have them fall on some prepared ground? The ground with have a checkerboard of letters and numbers, and instead of popping up little balls at the local Catholic Church, we use bowling ball cannons to choose?”
“Gil looks at me and scoffs, “Y’know, it’s not been really too quiet around here since you moved in. I know you’re a Master Blaster, but what do you really do?”
“Nothing too exciting,” I snicker, “I just snuff oil and gas well fires.”
“Hrumph”, he snorts, “No wonder it’s like the Fourth of July hereabouts every weekend.”
“A man’s gotta stay in practice”, I chuckle back.
We both have a snort and I produce new cigars. We spend the next few hours drafting up an agreement where we can use his land to hold the festival.
But the land and facilities are in a sad state of repair.
So, I promise to fix it up if he loans it to us for pre-opening weekend.
OK, but the facilities need paint, weed removal, blading for parking, Porta Johns, marking of parking areas, etc.
I tell Gil that’s fine. We’ll do all the work necessary to get his 40-acre donation ready for the big weekend. I also agreed to cede the finished area over to the Junior League baseball concern when we’re finished. As well as give the Jr. League 5% of the take, as the area is impoverished and any little help would be smiled upon greatly.
Gil also wants a nice, little honorarium to the tune of 5% of the gate.
“Sorry, Gil”, I replied, “But that’s a NCD (No Can Do). But I’ll let you sit in the security shack and keep an eye on the gate and warn about any potential trouble”.
He seemed less than amused.
“The gate will be right next to the beer garden and I could arrange it so that you could receive free beer in exchange for your time and sharp eye.” I noted.
The ink on the agreement wasn’t yet dry when Gil stated calling for his free beer.
“In a couple weeks, Gil”, I said, handing him a 12-pack of Blatz. “This’ll hold you until then.
He was deliriously happy. Free beer. Free cigars. A minuscule dose of power over his neighbors.
“Today is going to be a long day”, I noted to myself as I pulled out of Gil’s driveway.
First order of business was getting my old D-6 Caterpillar Dozer up and running. However, it needs some work.
I’ve got an idea, but the more it fleshed out, the more I felt like Hawkeye Pierce trying to get a new pair of boots from the Army.
I think I can nuke several birds with one stone: A trip to see Clay Smith about pipe for four bowling ball cannons.
I’ve known Clay for years and he’s one of the reasons we’ve settled in the area. He runs a fabricating/machine shop and that means I don’t need to buy an outbuilding to build my own metal shop.
After the obligatory handshakes, beers and cigars, we get down to brass tacks.
Well, CRA monel steel actually.
Found some 12.000" OD {A} x 8.600" ID {B} x 3.400" Wall {C} DOM Steel CRA casing, actually from the US Navy and once was part of a battleship’s complement; unknown which boat was the donor.
Perfect for 4 cannons.
CRA refers Corrosion Resistant Alloy; special pipe composited by two different materials including inner pipe and outer pipe. Inner CRA layer (0.25~26.0mm) normally such as Stainless steel, Duplex, Nickel alloy, Titanium, Hastelloy, Monel, etc., which are suitable for high corrosion environment.
Outer base material could be seamless or welded, SAWL, SAWH, ERW, HFW, or DSAW carbon steel pipe. The carbon steel substrate provides the required strength and the CRA cladding/lining provides the adequate corrosion resistance to the product being transported. The dissimilar metals that are present through the thickness of the pipe wall bring certain challenges to welding of clad/lined pipes, because welding of such pipes is usually carried out from the outside, using a single-sided welding technique
Clay needs some welding consumables, and will cut and polish the pipe for me if I find him a special CRA cutter-welder.
So, off to see Madden Martin at his welding shop.
“Madden, I need to borrow your CRA welder.” I notify him.
“Sure, what for?”, he asks.
“I’m building bowling ball cannons.” I replied.
“Oh. OK”, retorts Madden, thoroughly nonplussed with the day’s turn of events.
Sure, I can borrow the welder, all I need is to get him some good Wisconsin beer.
After a trip to the house, Madden loads the CRA welder into my truck after he offloads 2 cases of Blatz Light Cream Ale, 2 Cases of Leinenkugel’s, 2 cases of Point (“When you’re out of Point, you’re out of town”) and 2 cases of Spotted Cow from New Glarus.
I drop off the cutting welder to Clay and Javan Elliott, his second in command. We sit and chew the rag for a while, as his minions, of which he has thousands it seems, do the needful.
With the flick of the forklift, they load the 4 cut sections of the bowling ball punt guns in my truck.
Back to see Madden and we discuss his “kids” (apprentices) that are going to be helping me make the bowling ball cannons.
All it cost me was another couple of cases of beer and a box of ridiculously expensive cigars.
There are 6 “kids”:
2 Native American (Navajo): Shizhe'E (Navajo), Atsidi (Navajo),
2 Hispanic (by way of Old Mexico): Hector Manzanares, Richardo Sanchez (really) and,
A pair of local Heinz-57 variety Norteamericanos: Zachary Gibson and Alfie Walsh.
They all spoke passable English, and with my intense Oilfield Spanish, we could still communicate.
First, came the really dirty work. The pipe sections needed to be swaged, that is, drifted to see if they were the proper dimensions.
Any underage had to be filled with weld and then ground to specs. Any overages had to be ground down to specs.
This steel is about a 65-68 Rockwell hardness.
FYI: Rockwell hardness refers to how resistant a metal object is to penetration and permanent deformation from another material. It’s a measuring system of non-destructive metallurgical testing that determines how hard and strong steel truly is.
Truth is, it’s tougher than hammered nails. Way tougher, more like high-speed steel in circular form. However, it’s great for lateral compression and tension resistance, but prone to quench cracking. Quench cracks result from stresses produced during the transition from austenite to martensite, which involves an increase in volume. The martensitic transformation starts at the outermost surfaces of the part being quenched.
In other words, when there’s a phase change in the steel, it must be tempered or annealed slowly. So, a temperature shift greater than 300C must be done slowly or the metal cracks like an old soft-boiled eggshell.
I spent the rest of the day designing the cannons, and once that was done, explaining the blueprint to the gang of 6. They listened intently, asked non-stupid questions and generally came to impress me with the knowledge and work ethic.
The next day, I dropped back over to Madden’s and viewed the finished products.
They built the cannons beautifully. I checked them over and they were in specs every single measurement. They had acid-dipped them to get rid of the mill scale and then, went ahead and laid out the jobs.
It seems trivial, but many, even older hands, will do that in the opposite order. Here’s how errors creep in and begin to multiply.
I swaged each bore with a bowling ball I’d liberated from the old alley and it snugged into each like a Joey snugs into Mamma Roo.
I figured I could use these guys to help renovate the ballpark. I ask Madden if I can poach them for the duration of the build.
Madden readily agrees.
As long as they’re OK with a new boss and I’ll pay their way:

1. Beer.
3. Cigars.
5. $350/day.
6. Plus, I needed to teach them the basics of detonics.

Since this was Friday, I paid up for their day’s work and told them to meet me, bright and early (~0800) at the ballpark.
Six voices, in unison and several languages, agreed they’d be there with bells on.
That, I thought, would be interesting to see…
Saturday morning; I had my boon friend, Cat-skinner and all-around good guy, William “Kit” Carson come to the house and help me maneuver the old Cat 6 onto its trailer.
The beast is an old 1977 D6D model, with 140 original horsepower. The D6 is a versatile machine that can be used for a variety of tasks. It is commonly used in construction, mining, and agricultural applications. It is a great choice for clearing land, grading, and road building. It can also be used for digging and pushing materials, as well as for light demolition work. The machine is capable of pushing large loads and can handle most types of terrain.
I took it in trade for a job I did leveling out an old, abandoned limestone quarry that the owner was standing to lose via fines some ~US$50,000/day. He procrastinated and postponed, but did none of the US Government required remediation to the old rip-rap quarry once he finally wrung every peso out of that old hole.
It cost me a few cases of dynamite, a shitload of ANFO, a water well rig and a number of shotholes; but once we were finished, the place resembled a Kmart parking lot rather than the dark side of the moon.
But he didn’t have the cash to pay me and my crew, so I took his old D6 to hold while he generated some cash flow.
He died intestate some 14 months later. I submitted my bills to his estate and they basically said to keep the Cat, they’d sent the proper documents for title transfer, and we’d all call it a day.
So, I had a tinker item. I’d have Kit drop by when I was out of pocket and he could futz with the old girl and see if he could get her up to specs.
We replaced virtually every part on the tractor at one time or another. We stroked and bored the old powerplant and took her from ~140 BHP to around 500. Added a new turbocharger, since now we were residing at over 6,000’ AMSL. New tracks, pinions, trunnions, idlers, ripping hook, roller carrier, ad infinitum. New hoses, clamps, hydraulic cylinders…virtually jacked-up the radiator cap and inserted a new machine underneath.
She still was a cranky old bitch, and had to be kept warm and dry otherwise she’d sit and spit, sputter and smoke.
Yes, we were kindred spirits.
We teased her up onto the trailer and I backed my truck into the drive to hook-up. Luckily, the ballpark was less than 3 miles distant, as even my heavy-duty dualie truck was near it’s limit when it came to towing as the dozer tipped the Toledos at just over 37k pounds.
We all met over at the park and I immediately laid out an impromptu office on the hood of my truck. I had topo maps, aerial photos of the park, and after covering the maps over in vellum, I dragged out my drafting gear and started to sketch dimensions, and where things were going to go.
Kit had backed the dozer off the trailer and I battened everything down with old oil company map magnets and pulled my rig out of the way. I chose a spot under a copse of old-growth elms and live oak. The elms were afflicted with Dutch Elm Disease and the oaks had nasty cases of Live Oak Decline.
They were going to be removed and burned as per NOAA and BLM and half a dozen other alphabetic soup governmental agencies.
Besides, this is where the bingo board was to go.
Kit spent the best part of the day keeping the Cat running and training all of our international proteges. We took frequent breaks to go and rescue the Cat when Ricardo forget where the brake was and damn near drove into the Lower San Juan River or to ensure my charges were staying well hydrated.
The beer was locked in a cooler for when the drinking light was lit after 1700 hours.
Between them taking turns on learning how to speak “Cat”, Kit and the others often came by with ideas, comments and flat-out ridicule for how I was designing the park. Often, this required the liberation of some of my prime cigars.
Parker dropped by and informed me he had lined up 12 local food trucks for the two days, so we’d need parking, Porta Johns, running water and power for these guys.
“Fine”, I replied, “We now have a food court.”
“And well need parking”, Kit noted.
“How many cars at once? “, I asked.
“Best make it a thou”, He replied.
“Hmm…”, I hmm’ed. “The average car is a bit under 7′, but if you are driving them in, you need to park them far enough apart to allow exit on the driver’s side. So, allow 10′ width per car.
The average length is just under 15′. You can certainly park them close enough to allow 18′ per car, for backing and pulling out purposes.
While each acre of land contains 43,560 square feet, a simple mathematical computation shows if each parking space requires 180 square feet, 1 acre of land would accommodate 242 parking spaces. Of course, this assumes no turning lanes and each parking space is right next to each other. If a field that is 180 feet by 242 feet (approximately 1 acre) is designed with six rows of parking spaces with each parking space being approximately 10 feet by 18 feet and the traffic lanes are 24 feet wide, approximately 150 spaces can be designed. Therefore, there are three pairs of parking rows, each containing 48 spaces. The one-way traffic lanes are 12 feet wide and the two-way traffic lanes are 18 feet wide.”
“OK, I said aloud, “It looks like for a thousand cars at once, we’ll need about 7 acres. No problem. We’ve got nothing but space out here.”
“Problem”, Atsidi cautioned, “7 acres represent a long walk. Come in late and too far to drag the kids.”
“OK, clever dick”, I replied, “You and Shizhe’N are tasked with finding some shuttle buses. 25 or 30 person coaches that can just drive an ellipsoidal track around the parking areas. Let me know when, where and how much.”
“For two days?”, he asked.
“Nahh”, I said, “Let’s get them here a day early for a dry run. 3 days.”
“OK, bossman”, he smiled, “But we’ll need some greenery to grease those wheels…”
I peeled off a series of Benjamins from my wallet and gave them to them along with a register to sign.
“Everything on the up and up.”, I said, “I need receipts for everything. I’m going to keep sharp tabs on how much everything costs. Savvy?”
“Oh, yeah, Rock”, they both smiled, “We savvy goodly.”
“Wise-asses.” I snickered.
After lunch, we all sat around smoking and chatting. There were ideas being bounced all around. Some quite good, some a bit silly and some downright laughable.
To give you a rough idea of the layout, it all centered around the ballpark. It had bleachers, a bullpen, dugouts, rudimentary concession stands. And the ball diamond. The park was originally built for the local Little League, with base paths 70’ and pitching distance 50’. Over the years, it had been revived and now had 90’ base paths and 60.5’ pitching distances.
We decided that a fresh coat of paint would revive the old park and make it look more festive (and real). I reached out to several local businesses, and most bought advertisements on the outfield back fences. They’d supply the either canvas banners or plywood sheets with all the pertinent information about their company. Only cost $50/weekend, and it was tax deductible.
It was tax deductible since Esme pointed out our whole endeavor could be umbrellaed under as per the internal revenue code, a 501(c)3 is a nonprofit organization for religious, charitable, scientific, and educational purposes.
Donations to 501(c)3 are tax-deductible.
That helped grease the skids well and I had the lads out hammering and trying off canvas from the gusty Santa Ana-type winds that swept the area.
I won’t go over each and every event we had set for the park, but between Kit, myself and the guys, we had bladed down to the top Kirtland Shale roughly 8 acres for parking facilities. Kit took a turn and angled the main blade and inserted gutters around each acre of parking to facilitate drainage.
I built a Porta San farm that was close enough to the beer vendors yet far enough from the Food Court to be a convenience to all and a detriment to none. I even got the local Honey Wagon drivers to donate their time for a passel of free entrance and drinks tickets.
We had taken out ads in the local trades and dailies; as well as someone on the Internet built a page for the event.
We had a LOT of interest and actually had to turn away some potential partners as this was only a two-day affair. Evidently, a few groups had tried before, but never more that reviving the Little League and park. We went whole hog and decided it was going to be something with all the flavor of a State Fair, but we decided early on that a petting zoo for the kids was enough. I mean, the state actually still runs a real State Fair.
OK, we had a functional ballpark for Little through Senior League. Even had water piped in for the showers and real toilets, rather than Porta Johns. Along one side of the diamond, closer to the river, was the games and attractions area. A rectangle of ‘ping pong ball in the bowl to win a goldfish, to balloon shooting galleries and guess your weight/age’ type of attractions; along with some very, very sedate rides; carousel, mini-scrambler and a Squirrel Nut Zipper, as I recall.
Along the other side of the diamonds, was the food court. We had now some 18 trucks and trailers committed to the festivities. We were going to have funnel cakes, roast turkey legs, pickle-on-a-stick, some Mexican bakeries with all their delectables and one, oddly enough, all the way from Baja Canada hawking huge, ‘it takes two hands to handle’ cream puffs.
How that last one got wind of our little soiree was going to remain a mystery…
Then there was the entrance with ticket taker-sellers.
Of course, I had put in a specialty tent, with the help of no less than 7 local micro-breweries; a Beer Garden. We decided to just go with a Class B license and avoid all the potential nasties of both glass bottles (we only sold draft beer in Solo cozy-red cups) and high proof liquor.
There were, of course, a battalion of Porta Johns in close proximity to the Beer Garden.
We had a couple of the local oilfield service companies donate a fully functional and kitted out First Aid Station as well as a Security office.
Taking notes from the Chicago 1969 Republican party in Chicago, we put out feelers for large, tough people to enforce security if such was needed.
Thanks to Hector and Rick, we had the local motorcycle club, “The Rig Pigs” volunteer their services as security. These are guys that not only work in the Oil Patch but are also motorcycle aficionados. I know or have gotten to know every one of them, from Roughneck to Toolpusher to Rig Manager.
To be continued…

So the energy that runs in Hollow earth and possibly can form special rocks with mindpending abilities and is likely the energy that brings light and life to Hollow earth and the Titans wich is also possibly more powerfull then nuclear radiation wich was acording to Monarch more abundant in the surface. Is also energy wound trought the universe within planets cores wich means "Titans" Gould be abundant in the universe all united by this energy in someway. Now the parasite theory ties to this
The mostlikely explanation for Ghidorah to come to earth is to feed on this energy tho I don't know if he needs food as we don't see him going after Radiation like other Titans(internal nuclear radiation generation?) but he has ability to absorb energy from other Titans and sense hes a alien that means similar creatures are universal So back in 2019 in my head I saw Ghidorah as a parasite to earth with Godzilla being the immune system.