hello all,
i will give more context later in the post, but for people who don't want to read all of that mess: what do you do about a pwBPD trying to break up your relationships/friendships because you "don't pay attention enough to them anymore"? my partner already recognizes the abuse so there's not really a risk of me getting broken up with, but i'm worried about the pwBPD reaching out to our mutual friends. i'm mostly afraid that our mutual friends are going to think i'm trying to control the narrative or cover something up or anything weird like that? which is kind of ironic because it's what she's doing already, i just don't want to be forced to get on her level lol. at this point im so done with this pwBPD i don't care what they think of me, just would really like to keep my other friends.
i'm thinking about just asking my friends something like: "hey if this friend (pwBPD) messages you trying to talk badly about me or my partner, can you let me know so i can talk to her some more? it's something we're trying to handle privately between us 3 but unfortunately we found out she's already talking about us behind our backs to other people so we would really appreciate it if you ignored it for now if it comes up. i'm so sorry about any stress this might cause you, please let me know if you want to talk more about it" or something along those lines. i don't want to give them too much information or anything out of respect of everyone's time and privacy but i wonder if giving more details would help? is this a good start or would you guys recommend saying something else?
more details, you don't really have to read past this point but it helps for background information & gets into detail of the abusive behaviors:
it's just such a huge mess i just wish i never met this person. she's trying to get my partner kicked out of their housing situation already, and turning their other school friends against them to the point where my partner might have to move back in with their parents. she was originally introduced to me by my partner and they had been best friends for a really long while so they cry to my partner every day like "how can you be dating someone that hates your best friend", demanding my partner come home from doing stuff with me to 'help' her with the stupidest stuff like going to a routine doctor visit (??) or fixing her laptop, etc. and she will throw fits and say stuff like "friends sometimes just have to do things they don't want to help their friends or even just make them happy for a little while" when all this person does is scream at my partner at this point. and then when i try to talk to her too so she leaves my partner alone (we were never really too close to start with) she just brings up our relationship and says stupid things like "so how's *that* working out for you" or asking really weird invasive sexual questions? it's part of the reason i'm scared to talk about it with friends - i'm worried if they ask me for proof of what this person is doing i'll have to show them all the awkward texts of her being weirdly sexual and i don't want my friends thinking about what me and my partner do in private haha 😅 it's almost like she o*nly *spews sexual-related abuse over text and then keeps the rest in-person or over the phone so we don't have any proof against her that wouldn't be extremely awkward. it's really sickening to me how quickly she turned on us when she has been stable / on medication / in therapy for so long. i almost wonder if she was interested in one or both of us romantically/sexually or something and us deciding to date put her over the edge... she seems really fixated on me specifically despite never making any real effort to talk to me 🤷‍♂️ besides occasionally sending me tiktoks, but she sends them to me on the tiktok app... which she knows i have had uninstalled for almost a year now? really confusing and frustrating person, she will also try to bait people into talking to her through vague facebook statuses and typical passive aggressive stuff like that, but never outright ask anyone besides my partner (her 'best friend') to hang out with her because she thinks everyone else hates her 🙄 i didn't hate her at first, but now it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy for her
my partner originally tried to reassure me that she wouldn't do anything like this but she's clearly already started, so we're trying to figure out what to do and i figured it would be best to ask here. thank you guys (sorry for formatting / english too, and how this got a little rant-y)

I think I’m going to be sick and I don’t know who else to talk to about this so I’m sharing it here.
My (21F) father (50M) is a senior high school teacher. So he mostly teaches 11th and 12th graders. Recently he’s been acting really strange like hiding his phone and going out randomly in the day. This is weird bc he’s mostly a home body and he always tells us that we’re “free to check his phone because he has nothing to hide”. He and my mom (48F) have been separated for a long time as my mom works out of country. My dad has a girlfriend (F29) who he’s been with since he and my mom split about a few years ago. However, they haven’t been able to see each other in 2 years because she also lives and works far away from us.
My brother (18M) and I were looking at something our dad wanted to show us on his laptop when he suddenly got a call. It was from one of his students, let’s call her R (18F). We could tell from the caller ID. When he left to take the call we wanted to search something up so we opened his Google chrome. His Facebook was open and we could see his chat with R. She sent him selfies of herself and told him she loved him. He replied back saying he loved her and wished he hugged her longer when they were together yesterday. He also said that he couldn’t stop thinking about how they kissed.
I want to throw up. I have never felt more sick to my stomach. My brother wants us to talk to our dad before telling our mom about it. He thinks our dad is going through a horrible mid life crisis. We both feel like crying and my brother was shaking as he spoke to me. We’ve taken pictures of their conversation to use as proof later. I know it was wrong to snoop but this is disgusting and I can’t stand by it. I feel like this isn’t real and I’m living in a dream

I work out of a branch with too much everything (the downtown site of a city with a lot of homeless, mental health, and drug abuse issues) a summary is here: https://www.reddit.com/Libraries/comments/1bho810/tales_from_a_downtown_library/
A new regular however has been the source of the topic recently.
an older man who is probably around 80 has been in at least twice a week for the last month, he's actually kind of hard to write out due to most of the interactions I know are short, frustrating, and mostly nonsense, but my first experience with him dose a decent job:
He comes to my basement-level reference area where I mostly am alone, requesting tech assistance and the use of a public computer, immediately there are some pretty interesting quirks some age-related like blatantly ignoring instructions, typing o's instead of #0, seemingly forgetting very common applications, swiping at the screen like it's an iPad and the other issue:
He's trying to get information from his bank account, the library has a strict policy that I agree with that once we are on the main page of the bank's website we do not go any further with them, I have nothing to do with login going through the site whatever is needed because it's a huge liability and none of our business.
He has no idea how online banking works and I think doesn't understand online accounts at all (despite having an email and Facebook that's been shown in later interactions) and thinks if you type name and card number into separate boxes it will magically give you all banking information including air miles what he wanted again I should not know this he announced to me and anyone in the room, so good forbid someone with malicious intent help him in a public branch well know to have issues.
another patron comes for my assistance and she's kind of intense as well, this is now already burning me out between the two, and when he's up here again hovering at the front nose practically pressed to the glass the only thing separating us in an obvious attempt to get the most attention and quickly (like I'm dealing with a toddler that doesn't want to wait until you finish a phone call) I am shorter than before stating there are other patron's I need to serve as well he is not first in line now, the response is very childish and rudder muttering under his breath for while I'm still working with her that her question isn't important and not worth the time., she's more patient after that defending your right to service will do that for some.
the same bs continues and we get nowhere because he literally can't get anywhere without another pretty much taking the mouse and doing it, to the shock of no one hes been scammed badly before, and get this won't call the bank to get information because they ask too Meany questions for personal information and cannot understand they are the one place that should.
I am over it and get my coworker so I dont scream, he's the one who runs Makerspace and is very techy and tries in vain to explain sometimes a different person with a slightly different way helps it dose not worse. I have had 2 tech issues experiences I've called someone else to handle or lose it on a patron the first took nearly 50 minutes this guy took 15.
hes has since been in several times and is worse in a way something is wrong mainly suspected dementia due to age and not making a lot of sense won't acknowledge people's suggestions and common interactions include "Why won't you help me" *what do you need* "the government is _________, school is _____ nonsensical mutter, social security ___________ nonsensical mutter, the 1960s are _______ nonsensical mutter"
until 4 days ago we did not even know he was bilingual until a page of paper to the glass (upstairs thankfully with 2 staff and more witnesses) and started demanding things in French had been band for the weekend for tone, building a case for a longer ban that has to be approved.

This came to be a lot longer than anticipated lol. I saw this reel of Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/reel/813824447478250?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=xCPwDs
I thought nothing of this until she gets to the part about interplanetary souls, souls that were created outside of the Earth realm. I randomly bursted into tears.
I remember growing up and just observing everyone. My parents and sibling were very emotionally disturbed and serious mental illness has always ran in my family. My family was abusive and as a child, I would honestly just look at them. Observe them. Their impatience, aggression, preoccupations about man-made systems that didn’t actually have meaning was so confusing, yet interesting.
I became a therapist and dedicated my life to helping other people shift their perspectives, introspectively explore their identities, and accept the intense spectrum of human emotion. You don’t really learn that in grad school, or even in trainings for that matter. The ability has always come easily to me. Maybe because it had to growing up. I fail in so many parts of life continuously, which I feel is because the system just doesn’t make sense. This one thing is the ONLY thing I’m good at and I’ve always cultivated safety for just about anyone who walks in my path. It’s literally something I feel I HAVE to do.
The human experience always fascinated me. She discussed how interplanetary souls STRUGGLE. The constant vibration of my anxiety has shaped my life. From being abused as a child to acknowledging that I have to live through Earth’s misalignment, I’d always been disturbed by how much I felt grief for human suffering and self-destruction.
She mentions in the video that interplanetary souls are more likely to watch the sky or observe the planets. NO. WAY. As a child, from nightfall to sunrise, from the crickets to the 5am wild birdsong, I’d watch the moon and the stars around it for HOURS, to the point I’d get screamed at for not sleeping and talking to the moon. I’d open my window and just watch. I’d even sneak out (at age 7) to walk to the park because it was so much easier to see the stars. I still to this day, can go an entire day without sleeping and feel fine. I can’t do it consecutively, but I have been and always will be a night owl.
It could be pure coincidence. My characteristics could be the outcome of childhood abuse and neglect, dissociation and misplaced responsibility to help others to compensate for the upbringing I didn’t have. Maybe it is selfish to believe I am something more. But it makes more sense than not.
From age 8-22, my name being called out of mid air, probably about 9 times total. The voice was kind and enthusiastic, altering from masculine to feminine. It only ever said my name. I thought I was crazy until 3 different people heard it in 3 separate occasions. I was so used to the voice, but uncomfortable watching the blood drain from friends’ faces. I felt terrible that it scared them. A medium once told me it only called for me when I needed it. I haven’t heard it myself since I was about 11 years old. Perhaps it was a guardian angel.

A few years ago during that time when I was in high school, me and my ex friend went to different schools, I wanted to go to the same school as her but I couldn't since it was too far.
I told her that I couldn't go to the same school but she told me she was glad I didn't go to the same place as her because if I did, me and her wouldn't be friends at all.
You know the reason why she said that? She said if I went there, other people would take me away from her and that she would hate me which I found that stupid. Fast forward a few years later I had a boyfriend during college (he's now an ex) When I went out to town with my family, she called to me crying (while I was in a resturant) because apparently I've been ghosting her and ignoring her saying I've been too busy to even talk.
During this time I was struggling with my mental health, my relationship and college, She would start arguments with me saying I don't have time for her, not texting back saying I'm drifting away from her. Not to mention she wrote a poem about me(I have the poem on my phone) , I didn't know what to say and she asked you're not mad I wrote a poem about you? You won't sue me right?
And I was like it's fine but in my head it wasn't fine. She would make it about herself, I listened to her constantly complaining and she would trauma dump the past. She brought up the fact I didn't turn up to choir practice while I was getting bullied.
She blamed me for that not the girl who bullied me, not to mention she and the bully were friends on Facebook, the girl who bullied me would talk trash about me to her and she would tell me the horrible things the bully said about me, I was so hurt and betrayed yet I still kept her as a friend.
2 years go by and this was before Covid hit, the day she arrived I took her to my dance practice so she could watch before my day. She complained saying that she's tired, didn't take her meds, telling me she wasted her money to come visit me. I was embarrassed when she was having a tantrum infront of everyone that I had to take her somewhere else.
It felt like a burning iron everytime she complained I was flustered and I felt tired just by listening to her. On the evening the day before my birthday party, there was no food at the house since my mother was busy preparing for my debut. She hasnt eaten food or taken her meds but blamed me again, so we both had to walk to mcdonalds in the evening around 8pm just for her to eat.
The day of my birthday party, everything was going well, I introduced her to my college friends and others but after the party we went back to our rooms getting ready for bed, she asked me why didn't you introduce me to those boys? Why didn't you spend time with me? I didn't know what to say anymore because I was tired genuinely that we didn't talk until morning.
Then after a few days I haven't heard from her, She was talking to one of my guy friends but the thing is she would only talk to me if she had problems with him and would come crying in call and texting me about it. I have been reassuring her every time she had problems with my guy friend and it was tiring, he even mentioned to me she was controlling and bossy and he was right .
I never complained about anything between me and her but she wanted to make problems that I didn't talk to her or wasn't talking to her enough, I gave her space and I gave myself space but she still complained why I didn't message her but I did several times but in other days I wouldn't talk to her because I was scared.
I never talked about my mental problems and my trauma with my SA past to her because she'll make me feel worse and trauma dump and mention the past about me leaving her repeatedly when I was bullied by the same girl she was friends with.
I wanted to cut ties with her but I was afraid that she will get mad at me because she had issues with her behaviour for always getting angry and shouting at me when we get into an argument in call and would blame me.
But I was genuinely afraid at the same time losing my only friend because I had no one else to talk to. After a month or two I was messaging her and she brought up the vaccine topic, during that time she was a student nurse and I didn't really want to talk about it but she insisted telling me I should take the vaccine. If I didn't take it apparently I would affect her "family, friends and patients" but what about me? What am I to her? Me and her live in different cities 1 hr away from each other, so how can I affect them if I live so far away? That doesn't make sense.
She told me If I didn't take it she told me people would think I'm a dirty pest and a scumbag.
I was so done, honestly so done after she posted our private conversation on her private story but apparently she deleted it afterwards just for me to see? Not sure if I believe that. I blocked her on every social media and after that I felt better, the heavy burden I held for so long was gone. I was happier without her.
I never even got birthday gifts from her even when I gave hers every year so I stopped gifting her. I wasted 9 years of friendship and stopped trusting people after that.

Long story short, I just got in a heated argument with my father over how he treats my 13 year old brother (more on that later). I am 21 years old and they still control a lot of my life. I am financially independent (technically, more on that later as well).
For some background. I was raised VERY religious. Those Christian moms you see on social media that was my father. I never went to prom (because godforbid I got out in the world). I went to a public high school but was still super sheltered. My life outside of school consisted of coming home and working on homework, the extra homework he assigned me, yelling because I never did "good enough," and church youth group (which I hated because I am not a Christian). I made good grades, mostly As, the occasional B, and one C (in chemistry, but I mean come on that shits hard). That was never good enough. Every single assignment I did he had to look at. Study guide for an exam. He had to look at it. Discussion board reply. You guessed it he looked at that too. I didn't get a phone until sophomore year of high school and when I did I got one of those shitty 80 dollar Samsung phones that you couldn't do shit on (and where he checked all my texts, notes, and emails). I was very sheltered. The extent of my fun was shooting the shit with my friends in the cafeteria at lunch and on the bus. I wasn't allowed to go to birthday parties or sleepovers or even go over to a friends house. He is raising my brother the same way, but way worse. If I am ever blessed with kids one day he has taught me what not to do.
Thankfully I am now in my third year of college. I picked a school he didn't want me to go to. Not because of money or anything he just said "you aren't going to a party school. There are too many idiots there you don't need to be around." I rebelled and committed to that school. Hands down the best decision I have ever made. I have a full ride scholarship that pays for my tuition (although it is dirt cheap for in-state already). I also have a scholarship that pays for rent for my 1100 dollar a month apartment and gives me about 500 spending money every month. I consider this my second best accomplisment as screwed up as that may sound. My father controls my money. All of it. I have a credit card that I use and then he pulls that money out of my account. I have no idea how much money I have and what he is doing with said money. He also has access to my Schwab and Vanguard accounts. He says he does this to help me with investing but I know there is more to it. He still wants to control me. I don't even know my damn login to the banking app for Christ sake (sorry not sorry dad for using the Lords name in vane). I know I should have fixed this issue sooner but I didn't want to fuck up our relationship. I am not sure what to do about this.
Another major problem came from this sheltered/overbearing environment I grew up in is my inability to say no to things I have never done before. Throughout my time in college I have experimented with drugs and alcohol (cocaine, weed, molly, lsd, shrooms, xans, oxy, you name it, pretty much with the exception of meth and heroin, I've done it and not just once). I am not proud of this (minus the fun I've had on psychs and even then not one of my better attributes). As a result of his abusive parenting style I have a hard time saying no and give in super easily to peer pressure. So much so that the first friends i met at college I still hang around with. These guys I probably shouldn't be around (the type where daddy pays for everything so they get a four-year drug fueled adventure in college). Don't get me wrong they aren't all that bad but just not the type of people I though I would be hanging around. I never thought I would be sleeping around, going to clubs on a Tuesday, and doing lines of coke off my island at 4pm but here we are. I am not proud of this but feel like I started doing these things because I was finally free. It is so hard to stop now. I think that I hang around them as a sense of rebellion to my parents and a sort of "f u" if you will. I know it is wrong but it feels good to finally be free. I have developed a raging nicotine addiction as well (something I am definitely not proud of). My parents have no idea. I have had to lie to them about things for the past three years.
I don't know if that is a result of my own actions or the years upon years upon years of constant yelling by my father. I mean for fucks sake the man never told me good job on anything. I got an A on a test it wasn't good job. It was "show me the test and what you got wrong," followed by a thirty minute yelling match about how I fucked up on the test. When I got into college on a full ride it wasn't good job it was "that is all because of me and the things I gave you." When I graduated high school it wasn't good job. It was my mom, god bless her she is great but tied down by my father, putting on a dinner party for me with all the neighbors and my parents friends. My dad was there but never even spoke to me (he just bullshitted to his friends about how I was such a hard worker (mind you he never told me this) and other things that narcissists do). I never was told good job when I got Eagle scout. That fucked me up, all of it. I am not one to want praise or one of those participation trophy people but come on that's fucked up at least in my mind. I never heard good job once.
He does the same shit to my brother but worse. My brother is 13 and in seventh grade at a private Christian K-12 school (one of those rich schools where the parents drive benzs and the kids have gucci shoes and shit). My father doesn't send my brother there because it is a better school, trust me, it is not by any stretch of the word. He sends him there to look better (aka "my kid goes to a private school you peasants" type of behavior). Recently, my brother was caught playing a computer game (papa's pizazaria on coolmathgames). Off topic but that is still the best one and you cannot change my mind. When he caught my brother they went at it for four hours. Now my dad checks my brothers search history, backpack and every single piece of paper in every binder every single day. He has moved my brothers desk into the living room and made my brother buy, with his own money, 300 dollar noise cancelling headphones to somehow be able to focus down there. My brother now has developed a twitch and the habit of twirling his hair. It was gotten so bad that some of his hair is falling out because of it and my dad refuses to take responsibility for it. The kid is so stressed that you would think he is on coke or meth the way he acts. He told me that he is scared when my dad comes home from work. I brought this up with my dad and asked him how he feels about his child being scared of him. My dad said nothing. Not one word. I am asking advice/thoughts on this situation.
To end things off I want advice on what I should do moving forward. I am home for the summer and working a job up here but am really considering not working and going back down to my school. I never had a normal childhood and can't stand my brother being treated this way. He is not allowed to go outside and play with the neighbor kids, watch TV, search ANYTHING on his computer, and take breaks longer than dinner away from his "schoolwork." I can't handle this shit anymore. I understand that part of my situation is my doing but I think it partly stems from the years of manipulation and control on behalf of my father. Am I overreacting? What would you do?
P.S. One final thing I wanted to say to get off my chest is that I do not respect this man. He yells at my mother constantly about how when she lets him be a kid and do kid things she is "setting him up for failure." I don't mean yelling I mean cussing and screaming to the point when I go to bed I can hear my mother crying. It hurts me to hear her cry it really does. I'm a bigger dude, 6 foot, 210, built. But that shit hurts. A fucking lot. I'm at the point where he needs to be confronted about it. I have lost every ounce of respect I have ever had for him. This may be an overreaction but I don't think so. He still controls my life. He tracks where I go in school, what I buy, etc. I have to lie to him sometimes but I am okay with that. This is the first real fun I have had in my life. I am doing pretty good in school, 3.1 gpa in a major I (not him) am happy in. I already have a job lined up outside of school making 58k straight out the gate. He has no idea because I don't tell him shit, he doesn't deserve to know in my mind. This is a man who will act super nice around everyone but our family. He is super active in the church and scouting, although he doesn't let my brother go anymore. He constantly gives to charity and volunteers around the community. You would never know this if you watched how our family operates on any given day behind closed doors. The only conversations I have with him now are about "why is there a charge for mexican food on the credit card. you should be studying," or my personal favorite "why is there a charge for x amount of dollars at a convenience store at 9:00 at night. Only bad people hang outside after dark (by bad people he is referring to everyone who is non-Christian by the way)."
This man has held me back so much even in college. I understand that this is partly my fault because as a legal adult I could have stopped this but I did not want to ruin our relationship. He stopped me from going on trips because "people could be drinkng" and has told me that on my 21st birthday (last week) that if he ever catches me drinking or vaping or anything I will not be allowed back into the house. I want to get clean but I do that shit as a fuck you to him. I apologize about cussing so much in here I'm just frustrated and need to get some stuff of my chest. I can't be the only one with parents like this. Right? I refuse to let this situation continue on. Should I do something about the way he treats me and my brother and mom? What do I do? What would you do? FYI cutting him out of my life entirely is not ideal because my mom and I still get along great. I would do it if there was a way to still be able to see my mom as they live in the same house. Minus certain political issues (mostly economic stuff) my dad and I don't agree on anything. He is the most judgemental person I have ever met in my life. I have met upwards of 1000 people in the past couple of years and he is by far the most judgemental person I have ever met. There is not even a close second.
Am I overreacting? What would you do in this situation? God bless and thanks for any and all responses/similar stories you all are willing to share. This seems like a great group of people. Stay blessed and if you need someone to talk to I am here for anything.

Hello! As I stated above, I (26F) have had feelings for (27M) for almost 17 years.
For context to my question, here is a little bit of background:
Over these last 17 years, we have had friendly interactions, but nothing more than that. Nothing flirty or indicative of any sort of interest, on either of our parts.
Growing up, our mothers were friends, so we would be drug along with them to outings together, but when we reached middle school and high school, we never hung out on our own volition.
After high school he moved to another state, while I remained in our home city.
Over the last, I'd say 7 years, our really only interaction has been every year, on our birthday's, we get a text from the other person to say happy birthday and ask how the other is doing with a short text conversation. To this, i'll add, he did mention he put my birthday in his phone calendar so that he doesn't forget it, which I thought was very cute.
We always like each others posts on instagram/ facebook but never any commenting.
I, for the last 6 years was in a relationship, and even was engaged up until last October. My friend had texted me congratulations after I posted about the engagement on instagram. More recently, I was seeing someone we had went to high school with, and to make a long story short, I had texted my friend about this guy as I was seeing. They played sports together in high school and I was curious what he knew about him as he was a very strange guy. All that to say, my friend now knows I'm no longer engaged and am dating.
He was in a relationship with the last post from either of them being in March. And now has single as his facebook status.
Now here is the interaction in question:
2 weeks ago, I graduated from college. He texted me a very sweet congratulatory message and telling me how proud of me he was. This turned into a 3 day texting conversation back and forth. Ending last Saturday morning at 5 am. We discussed his career, my career goals, where he is moving, where I am planning on moving. But very platonic, no flirting or any mildly flirty texts.
We did however express mutual job path interests, and a mutual interest in moving to somewhere where we can buy land and have animals.
And, this following week, he has liked 2 things I posted on instagram/ facebook. But nothing out of the ordinary for him.
So my question here is, is it strange that after years of just birthday texts, we stay up texting until 5 am. Is there anything there? Could he be interested in me, but because I never have acted flirty towards him, he thinks I'm not interested? Or is this just a weird few days of texting we had that I need to get over?
I also understand I could just tell him how I feel but I really do not want to ruin the friendship.
Thank you all in advance!

So basically, start of freshman year there was a girl who I rly didn’t know and don’t even think I saw in person except for maybe once or twice. Anyways, I was really socialable and I made a private Snapchat story based on my experiences, and asked anyone on my public story if they want to join they can. She joined without actually knowing me, and my first post was a picture of me in a tutu (football game attire)
Anyways, one of the reasons of this story was so I could make new friends and share my experiences. First, I asked if ppl had a BeReal because I was peer pressured into getting one. She gave me hers and I thanked her for it, added her. I don’t remember the full details. However, this garuntee she at least knows what I look like
The 2nd time, on the same story, I asked if anyone was going to an event on campus, and she said she was and that I should join her.
My dum-dum responded with “thanks for the offer, but I don’t really know you and figured I will probably stay in”. She responded with “oh I’m sorry I thought you were someone else”
(This could be true, but this is Snapchat. My name is right there and at the time you could still delete or unsend messages. I also looked at her IG following list a few days ago to see people with similar names as mine. There were none)
The last time was her wishing me happy birthday a few days later. I said thank you and went on my merry way
I made a (new) ig a few months ago, and dropped a follow. She followed back and I looked at her account and thought “damn she’s cute” and really didn’t think much more about it
A few days ago, my friends were talking about situations where they fumbled the bag, and this whole situation came back up in my mind. According to them, girls rarely if ever make the first move and that likely was her attempt to making a first move. Especially since she invited me over to an event with her, despite not knowing me. I also know that for most people in general, they won’t be straightforward. As a straightforward thinker, it’s annoying, so of course it took my well over a year to figure out maybe she wasn’t being straightforward
Of course, she could definitely have been honest about the entire situation, I rly don’t know
I think we met irl once before this but my memory is foggy ngl
Anyways, since this “realization” hit (and again, I could be very very wrong) I began wondering if I should reach out, and if so how. I could just snap her, but her snap score hasn’t increased at all and I don’t wanna be weird. Plus, a random snap probably doesn’t do anything to build anything
She’s a chair at one of the charity clubs in my school though (this I found out by accident), which is actually personal to me. A few weeks ago, my parents decided to sponsor an orphan girl in India and give her financial support. This club basically sponsors similar things for similar people and I was planning to learn about it next semester if I had the time, especially since it was something that became personal due to my situation. Plus, I plan on joining a frat next year and there are community service hours I will need to log in order to stay part of said frat. The opportunity presented itself imo. I originally wanted to use a different club for the hours, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing both as long as I get the hours. I don’t plan on getting a position of command per-say
My biggest thing with this is simply that I truly don’t have a clue if me reaching out to her about that would be weird. It does feel like I do have some ulterior motives if I do that, and that makes people uncomfortable (with full respect that if I reach out to her about the club I do genuinely want to learn about the club and the opportunities and benefits it could provide). But, again, there is a subconscious worry that it may just be me trying to get something and that will push her away
There is also the case of me knowing some people in the club. We used to be friends but neither of us decided to keep in contact at all not rly cared for each other and I feel rly awkward reaching out to them about it
Any advice would be appreciated. I also don’t know if the dating advice subreddit is the best option for this but it may work?
For the older people out there who don’t understand the story, it’s a situation where you posted something on Facebook and a girl you don’t rly know reached out to you about it, and invited you out to do something, but you didn’t know. Idk, I’m not old
Thank you!
TLDR: I may or may not have fumbled the bag with a girl. I realized it about a week ago but this was a pretty long time ago. I want to contact her without being weird. There’s a club she is a chair of and newly became personal to me due to a family situation. I was thinking about reaching out to her, but I feel weird about it since I don’t rly know her. I think she’s cute and don’t know how to contact her without being weird about it

10 Warning Signs of Cult Recruitment

Research shows that anyone is susceptible to joining a cult. “Not me!” you say. Yes, you. The self-serving bias that makes people think they’re the exception to the rule can make them feel invulnerable—and leave them unprotected from pathological salespeople. You don’t have to be particularly gullible, insecure, or emotionally needy to be successfully recruited. Cults exploit psychological elements that are hardwired in pretty much everyone. Here’s how they do it:

1. Social isolation. If you are seeing less and less of your family and peers in favor of your new best friends, ask yourself why. Cults gradually chip away at your community until only cult members remain. If the cult is your entire world—a closed system—then leaving it can feel really scary.
2. Cyber isolation. If all your Facebook friends agree with you, ask yourself why. Cyber isolation can lead to confirmation bias. That means you only see information that supports what you already believe. And your beliefs are also continually validated in the echo chamber of cyber isolation. The Facebook algorithm shows you things you want to see in a never-ending cycle of digital influence.
3. Promised rewards. If you find that you’re on the verge of amazing accomplishments or the fulfillment of your wildest dreams, ask yourself why. Cults promise gifts like a spiritual Wheel of Fortune: enlightenment, self-actualization, love, unlicensed psychotherapy, companionship, exorcism, peace of mind, perfect health, eternal life, great sex, a forever home, a loving family. Over-the-top rewards are part of the conversion process. How can anyone say no?
4. Phobia indoctrination. If you find that you have a lot of new fears, ask yourself why. Seeing threats everywhere? Cults use fear to induce people to stay within their ranks, where they’ll be safe. And naturally the only person who can truly protect you is the cult leader. Who is also responsible for punishing you. Their methods are effective because they alternate fear with love, leading to disorganized attachment.
5. Heightened emotion. If you find yourself feeling extremely happy, angry, or scared, ask yourself why. Cults trigger big emotional responses and then direct that emotion toward a strategic target when you’re at your least rational.
6. Love-bombing. If you find yourself feeling more loved than you ever have in your life, ask yourself why. This is a tactic that narcissistic manipulators use in interpersonal relationships, but it also applies to cultic attempts at thought reform. Cult members will spoil you with attention and affection in order to make you feel connected and important. And people keep coming back for the love drug.
7. Us vs. them mentality. If you find that you have a lot of enemies all of a sudden, ask yourself why. Cults invent enemies to help solidify the group identity. When you envision yourself as a missionary for good versus evil, there might be too much at stake for you to abandon your cause.
8. Social influence. If you find that everyone around you agrees on something, ask yourself why. Psychological studies show that compliance goes up with the number of people involved. Most people won’t reject an idea if the whole group supports it. And cult prospects are typically overwhelmed with group-ecstatic activities, which can lead them to poor information processing. Essentially, peer pressure makes it impossible for people to function at full capacity.
9. Intelligence-dampening. If you find yourself too tired or confused to make decisions, ask yourself why. Cults use techniques like sleep-deprivation, alternate states of consciousness, repetition, and thought-stopping to overwhelm someone’s cognitive resources and critical thinking skills. They destabilize your view of reality. And when your mind is under threat, you keep returning to the safety and love of your leader. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, even if you develop false beliefs. All humans have false beliefs and a tendency toward magical thinking. But cult members depend on the cult for direction when their brains are disoriented.
10. Identity disturbance. If you feel like a new you–a better you–ask yourself why. Cults alternate reward and punishment to stress people out and disrupt their identities. From there, cults can inflict a new identity on a member, one that depends on submission and self-surrender. And it doesn’t help that other sources of identity, like work and school, are slowly taken over by cult participation.

source: https://thriveworks.com/blog/protect-yourself-from-mind-control-techniques

Very long post so heres the tl; dr:
mother is a horrible person, extremely right wing and narcissistic, extremely controlling of me and I’m reaching my breaking point.
now the actual post:
Ok, this is kind of a vent post. It has more to do with narcissistic parenting than LGBT things, but it’s kind of related.
So my mom has always been a MAGA at heart. It was the way she was raised, in a small conservative town, where the church was where she made friends. Now this wasn’t really a direct issue for me until I realized I was queer, but beyond the MAGA ideology, she is an insane narcissist.
My grandma has agreed with me. She acts high and mighty, but as soon as you question her, she lets down her boiling rage unto you. Like, for example she has taken money for an award that I won, about $200, “for safekeeping” but when I asked about it a few weeks earlier we got into a screaming match about whether I even got money for it. When I showed her proof I did she grounded me and took away everything I owned.
Another time she wouldn’t let me drive 5 minutes to a track meet (I’m in track) as she was “worried I would crash” even though I’ve been driving for over a year. My father is no better. He allows for this to happen and when I question her, he says “just play the game”. As if to say that I must humor this horrible person who I’ve had the unwanted pleasure of living with.
However, this wretchedness of hers has recently ramped up because of the fascinating app named Facebook. What an amazing app, right? It turned a MAGA head into an even more right wing monstrosity. Now she’s an anti vaxxer, makes me plug my phone in outside my room in fear of the “5g”, won’t let me go into the sea in fear of “shallow-water sharks”, and won’t let me go thrifting (one of the few things that actually makes me happy) due to “them not washing the clothes” WHICH THEY DO!
I swear to god, she lives based on fear and then plays the victim card when you tire of her fucking bullshit. And then just recently she caught me wearing eyeliner and threw a hissy fit about how “no son of hers would be a fa*got”. I was able to convince her it was just one of my friends that put it on me.
This isn’t the first time she’s shamed me either, when I got caught SH’ing she screamed how “no son of hers would do something so horrible” and said that I was a “fucking idiot”. And then only after that did she try to comfort me asking what was wrong... She just fuels me with rage and then has the gall to come into my room and say some shit like “I feel like you don’t talk to me”. LIKE NO FUCKING SHIT I DON’T, YOU’RE THE REASON I WANT TO MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND CHANGE MY NAME. and not to mention im not exactly the most sociable person so I already have incredible mental health issues (hence the sh) but then she adds onto them by being a horrible person.
But then, after all this. she has the fucking nerve to come into my room and say she loves me? I’m pulling my goddamn hair out because of this hag and then she says she “loves me”. You don’t get to make me feel bad after ruining me like you did. Oh another thing, she is constantly invading my privacy, until recently shes had a parenting software on my phone (could look at my screen from her screen, block all apps, etc) and also has life360 to track me wherever I go. Like whenever i stopped by the dollar tree literally less than a minute away from my school and when I got home she screamed at me and took everything away from me, including my god damn door as if i have too much privacy.
I’m honestly reaching my breaking point and worried that I might do something i regret because oh my god i just can’t take any of her shit anymore.
anyone here relate 😘😘

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SparkMandrill90. He posted in AITAH
Mood Spoiler: Good ending.
Original Post: May 9, 2024
My (33M) ex-wife (30F) and I got divorced 3 years ago. In college, we worked at the same restaurant, that's where we met. We were together for 7 years, and married for a little over 3 and half. We divorced because she cheated twice.
2 years into our marriage I discover she is having an affair with a former classmate. I collect enough evidence and confront her. She confesses everything. The affair was about 2 months long. This was a really terrible time, and was really hard to work through with her. You can call me an idiot, but I am a forgiving person. I do believe in 2nd chances and that people can change. We agreed to reconcile. We did the work. We had marriage counseling. We read some of the books, she went no contact with classmate right away, open phone policy, we told our parents. She was doing the right things and our relationship was recovering.
1 year into our reconciliation, her Aunt dies. I am very busy with work and cannot attend the services as they are on Thursday and Friday, back in her hometown 5 hours away. Her parents and brother no longer live there, so she stayed with a good friend from HS. I had met this friend a few times and was comfortable with that.
On Saturday morning my wife text me that the car was loaded, and she was about to start making the drive home. About an hour after that I got a Facebook message from the friend. Who stated she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she just let this go, but informed me that my wife had gone out Friday night with some old friends from HS. The friend thought nothing of this until she discovered my wife had left her phone behind, and that she didnt come back until the following morning. I had gotten a text that Friday night from my wife that she was going to bed early since the past few days had been emotionally draining.
I confronted my wife soon as she got home. She was really hesitant to tell me anything so I lied to her and told her if we were going to work through this, I needed to know everything like the last time. That got her to confess that she had gone out, and had gone home with an old friend from high school. She said they didn't have sex but did do "stuff" that I won't go into detail about here. It didn't matter, once I got enough of the truth I left for my parents house. That week, my Dad called my landlord and paid all the termination fees and got me out of the lease. We went and got my stuff while she was at work. My parents set me up with a friend of theirs that was a divorce attorney and he cut me a deal. Took about 7 months for divorce to go final.
That was 3 years ago. I have an awesome girlfriend, and am doing well. This past weekend I got a Facebook message from a guy who is now engaged to my ex-wife. He introduced himself and said he was probably just being crazy, but he wanted to know why we had gotten divorced. He said he had broached the subject a few times, and she always "gets weird." She had told him we had divorced because we grew apart, but mostly she just deflects or is really really vague.
I told him the truth, and offered evidence if he would like. He declined, and thanked me for my time and story.
A day later I get a phone call from a local, but unknown number. I answer and it's my ex-wife. She is really upset and asking me why I am trying to ruin her future. I get her to calm down and talk. She says her fiancee has asked for some space and is staying with his parents this week. That he is saying he needs to reevaluate their relationship. She wants to know why I told him all about their past and why I'm still punishing her. She tells me she's not that person anymore, and has done all this work, and been in therapy. That she deserves another chance and I'm being petty and hateful. There were a few generic insults thrown. I got a little pissed and told her if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about heour past and owned up to cheating in her prior marriage, and then gone about showing her fiancee that she was ready to be a worthy partner to him unlike she was with me. Instead she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again. She said a few choice words and hung up.
I haven't heard anything since. I told my girlfriend and she reassured how I handled it. But I find myself feeling guilty. I still believe in 2nd chances and that people can change. While I would have felt wrong lying to the guy, I wonder if I should have handled the whole thing differently or just not responded. If she is truly different and this is just a blip, I don't want to be the thing that prevents her from finding happiness, but also believe I'm not what's hurting her engagement. AITA?
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: The fiancé called you and asked you what happened, you are under no obligation to lie to him for her sake, as a matter of fact, anything that you told him besides the truth would be suspect as you have no idea what she told him. Don’t feel bad, she is only feeling the consequences of her actions. NTA. Kiss your wife, tell her you love her, and live a good life together

OOP: Yeah, I don't know what she's told him exactly. He made it sound like she will do anything NOT to talk about it. He did say the most he's ever gotten out of her when bringing it up was "We grew apart". Which is a lie in itself.

Commenter: NTAH, imagine if you had lied to the guy and said you had just grown apart. Would you want thar on your conscience? I’d have told him rather than been part of a lie that will lead to someone else getting hurt. She hasn’t changed at all.

OOP: No, you're right, I would not have lied to him. I think I was largely wondering if I should have just told him "it wasn't my place and he needs to get it from his fiancee", but after the amount of feedback, I'm feeling really good with my decision.

Commenter: NTA. I’m like you. I would feel guilty because at a glance it seems like being honest about your experience caused your ex to potentially lose her relationship. However you are holding yourself accountable for someone else’s actions. Your ex cheated. Your ex withheld information from her current partner. Your ex is still avoiding accountability. You are not responsible for her actions. Anything that happens in her relationship is her problem, not yours.

OOP: Thank you for this, I got to remind myself of that. I hate causing others pain, so I'm glad to hear from someone who can relate

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority of votes are NTA
Update Post: May 12, 2024 (3 days later)
I really didn't expect to give an update because I assumed I'd never hear anything from my ex wife or her fiancee again. First Post
Last night I received a very very long text from my ex-wife. I'll summarize it below, because it was long and did have personal details.
She started off by apologizing for the way she talked to me the other day and said I didn't deserve to be insulted like that. She then went onto explain herself, and her situation.
She started by acknowledging that this whole situation wasn't my concern or business, and apologized for me being drawn into it, and said she was embarrassed that their issues were being "aired out." She said it was her fault this happened. Since she began dating her fiancee she has hidden the details of our marriage out of shame and guilt. For the most part it was never brought up until he proposed a couple months ago. That's when he first really asked and seemed to want to know. She said she wasn't ready to deal with that and kept trying to rug sweep it, but he persisted. This is when she started therapy (so apparently she's only had a few therapy sessions and all are recent). She never thought he would reach out to me.
She then stated that none of this was my fault, and apologized for blaming me. She said she should have faced this a long time ago, gotten therapy for ruining our marriage, and come to terms with her own feelings of guilt.
Then she apologized for her affairs, and way I was treated during our marriage.
The last part was just her stating that she was not expecting a response back, wishing me the best, and saying that hopefully her and her fiancee will never "bother me" again.
This morning when I got up and read this, I sent back a brief message:
"I appreciate the apologies and am glad you are working on yourself. I have moved on from what happened, and hope you can move on from this. The only bit of advice I have is I think this text needs to go to your fiancee."
She responded back just by saying "Thank you" and that he's received far more and far longer texts.
I doubt there'll ever be another update. I actually hope there isn't. I don't believe in closure, but I will say it was refreshing, to hear her apologize without an asterisk. That's what I always got before, the "I'm so sorry, I just drank too much and..." "I'm so sorry, I was just really depressed and stressed and...". Doesn't mean a whole lot really, maybe just unexpected for me, but it was nice to hear an apology that has no excuse trailing behind it. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day now and leave all this behind me.
Wanted to address a small sets of commenters from the first post though. I had several people hung up on that my Dad paid my termination fees and got me out of my lease. He did that of his own accord, to take a lot of the stress of the separation off me. I included that to show how I had a support system that was behind me, and willing to help in any way no questions asked. It really helped me through the healing process, and I got back on my feet pretty quickly after. I'm sorry if you don't have anyone there for you when you're at your lowest, but it doesn't make you better or manlier or whatever you were going for when you made those comments. Having to face any and every challenge on your own, is really just kind of a sad existence in my opinion. I hope that changes for you and you'll find someone to be in your corner someday.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: She seems to be taking some accountability for her actions which is a surprise if she is sincere. They almost never take any responsibility for anything.
Go on and have a wonderful life.

OOP: Yep that's what I'm going to do.
I don't have much thought on the texts she sent me, I mean this whole thing is really nothing more than a weird few days in my otherwise routine life. But I will admit, it was nice to hear her take some accountability without making an excuse right after. That had never happened before.

Commenter: I honestly don't see why people were jumping on you for having someone in your corner to help you out, seems like a weird thing to get hung up on.

OOP: That's how I felt too, but there were a handful of people who were trying to imply that I was some sort of crybaby man child because my Dad took care of that for me.

Commenter: What accountability exactly do you think that she is taking here? She’s basically just playing defense to try to save her current relationship. It’s easy to be honest when there’s no other choice.

OOP: Her motivations are her own.
But to address your questions on accountability. When she first got caught having an affair, and we decided to work it out. She did everything "right." She came to every counseling appointment and fully participated, she read the books we got, she gave me every password, and so on. She would apologize profusely, but every time she would also give an excuse along with it. "I am so sorry I did this to us, I don't know what I was thinking, I was just so caught up in the validation" or the attention, or I was just so depressed and he was just there, and so on. She would put her self down, beg for forgiveness, and each time there was always just a little "asterisk" added on. A little reason/excuse/deflection as to why she did it. An outside factor that pushed her into it to some degree
When she did the second time, there wasn't much discussion because I ended things and left as soon as I got enough confession out of her. But when she was bombarding me with texts, emails, snaps, you name it trying to explain and beg, and ask for one more chance and all that, she apologized a 1000 times, all 1000 times had its little "asterisk.". I was just so drunk I wasn't thinking, I really thought he just wanted to keep hanging out, we didn't have sex (whether this was true or not I really don't care) and so on.
I'm going to assume you've never dealt with a betrayal like this, and I hope you never do, but when you are a person like me, who has been betrayed, even years later, to finally get an apology that has no excuses, no asterisks attached to it, it is incredibly refreshing. I truly thought it would never happen, thought she would never be capable.
Now, it doesn't mean much, our lives haven't crossed paths in 2.5 years, and may never again. I'm not going to be reaching out and I assume neither is she, but for that to actually happen, I'll take the win today.

This will be a bit long so there will be a tl,dr at the end if you don't want to read all of it. I'm new at this so bear with me.
Bit of background about myself I [18F] have diagnosed combination type ADHD though for my entire life my doctor has recommended I be tested for Autism and my school has always been saying that I have Autism for as long as I can remember. I have never been emotionally attached to my parents while I am grateful for all they have done for me I have just never been attached to them like I would care if they were gone. When I was in elementary school I was a very hyper child and I was not well behaved at all due to this in kindergarten my teachers would often tell me to go off to another part of the room away from everyone else and give me things to play with so that I would be distracted and they could teach the rest of the class without me disrupting them so I would pretty much be isolated from everyone else. I have been in special needs classes since kindergarten and I have only been put on medication for my ADHD once which was when I was 8 but I was taken off it by my parents as it turned me into a "zombie" I believe the medication was Adderall but other than that I have been unmedicated for ten (10) years. My parents have been married 18 years, I believe they got married because my mother became pregnant with me
I discovered that my mother was cheating on my father about two (2) or three (3) months ago though I had been suspecting it for over six (6) months I just never had any solid proof until two (2) to three (3) months ago. Recently I had my friend send my father the proof of my mother's affair that I have collected but to my surprise after they talked for around 15 about it their relationship has improved significantly compared to how it's been for over a year. This all started in 2023 my mother began constantly face timing this guy we'll call P I had never seen before whenever my father wasn't around when I asked about it she said P was just a friend and so I believed her and I had even spoken to the guy though he didn't sit well with me as he seemed like a prick. After about a month of my mother constantly on the phone with P whenever my father wasn't around I began to wonder if there was more to this, so I began listening in on their conversations whenever I could to see if I could hear anything that indicated that was an affair but I never got anything out of it besides lewd jokes and comments from P about black women. During this time she was giving my father zero affection and had even stopped telling me that she loved me even I said it to her.
Eventually I got fed up with them constantly talking to each other and I was very angry with my mother for taking me and my three (3) year old brother to the park for as she called it "family time" only for her to be off on her own away from us and on her phone the entire time texting and face timing P and even flat out ignoring me numerous times whenever I tried to talk to her or asked her to watch me do something, this upset me because I like getting attention from others and she had denied me that. So after I was fed up with them I went off on my mother for the first time ever while she on the phone with P and said some not nice things to her and said not nice things about P, I also brought up my suspicion of her having an affair which she denied and when I pressed her about why said lied to me about things regarding P such as where he lived, how she knew him, why she only ever called him whenever my father wasn't around, and why she started talking to him she told me it was because she "wasn't allowed to have friends" which is not true she has many friends many of which I know. After that all happened I stopped talking to her for a while and she stopped calling him whenever I was around and I began to wait for opportunities for when I could take her phone and go though it as I knew her password. I couldn't just wait for her to go to bed as she is a light sleeper and my father goes to bed a different times from her so he would see me and question me as to why I was taking her phone or she would end up waking up and question me so I had to wait for when she left her phone unattended which wasn't very often.
Two (2) months ago I was able to swipe her phone and go though it and it was all right there. I love you's, naked pictures, sexual conversations, talk of divorcing my father for P and taking my brother with, and I made sure to get plenty of pictures of it and I even found out that on a trip she took to "Ohio" in which is paid 300$ for plan tickets to and from she had actually not went there and instead went to the state P lives, I also found P's Facebook where he had pictures of himself with my mother together and the dates the pictures were posted and the date my mother left for her trip matched up, during that trip she had actually never even called back home to talk to me, my father, or my brother. For a while after I confirmed my mother was cheating on my father I blamed myself because P asked me if I was okay with him talking to my mother (This was when I still though he was just her friend) and I said I was and it made me feel like I was the one that allowed this to happen but I realized it wasn't my fault and the only one to blame was my mother. After my mother returned from her trip she had actually wanted to have sex with my father for the first time in a while though I suspect she only did it because she had sex with P and wanted to do it with my father in case she became pregnant though I have no evidence to prove this but I do know that birth control does not work for my mother as when she conceived me, my sister, and my brother she was on birth control same as her mother though take that with a grain of salt as my mother is terrible at taking medication at the same time everyday. After that I began to plan out what to do, I didn't care about what would happen to me if they got divorced I was thinking of how I could try and get this to work out best for my brother. My at the time boyfriend had gone though a similar situation as to what I was going though, his mother cheated on his father and divorced him and ran away with her affair, leaving behind her children and leaving her ex-husband in lots of debt from legal fees. I didn't want that to happen to my father so I talked with my at the time boyfriend and my friends as for what I should do and I also looked into what the divorce laws in my state which my state does not count adultery as grounds for divorce.
Eventually I got another chance to go though my mother's phone and it was more of the same old stuff but in one part she told P that she was in the process of filing some kind of legal paperwork and P seemed excited about that there was also a "protected files" thing on her phone that needed a password to get into but since it wasn't the same password as the one to her phone I couldn't get it. Once I saw that I knew I couldn't wait any longer and I had my friend send my father the proof though a burner phone number so none of it was connected me and they wouldn't know I had all of the evidence then I waited for him to confront my mother. It didn't take long for that to happen as soon as she came home from work he was on her about it but he never raised his voice or showed any kind of aggression towards my mother they just calmly talked for about 15 minutes. During so my mother never showed any kind of regret or remorse, she never even said sorry mostly just saying "believe what you want to believe" she told my father that he was just a friend from high school (Though I think there is more to it than that) and that he was obsessed with her and wanted her to divorce my father for him and even her parents where egging her on to do it but she said she didn't want to give up her family and home just to start all over and that if she wanted to leave she would have already left, but that doesn't really make sense to me as if you cared so much about your family and the life you built then wouldn't you show some kind of emotional response when all of that was threatened? she also implied that the lewd pictures she had sent P he had paid her to send them. After they finished talking they hugged and carried on with their day like nothing had happened and they have been doing things they hadn't done in years, cuddling in bed together, kissing, and hugging. Today I checked my mother's phone again and it seems she has stopped talking to P all together and doesn't even have him as a friend of Facebook anymore and I can't find their messages on Facebook messenger anymore though I doubt she really stopped.
TL,DR: My mother cheated on my father but after exposing her cheating to my father their relationship began to improve, I want to try and fix my relationship with my mother for the sake of my brother but I don't know how to go about it
While their relationship is improving my relationship with my mother is in the trash I have told her to stop talking to me or doing anything with me period as I despise cheating but I would like to attempt to fix my relationship with my mother because I want to be in my brother's life and I feel if things between me and my mother sour she will prevent me from being around him and I plan on moving out as soon as I am able to. I have two (2) older half sister's 21 and 25 respectively (Same father different mother) but I don't get to see them much since they have their own lives and one of them even has her own family, my mother also doesn't like them and I feel she played a role in keeping me from seeing them when I was growing up and I have one (1) younger sister that was put up for adoption though it is an open adoption so I still see her every now and then, I have never been able to form any kind of relationship with my siblings as I never grew up with them and I scarcely saw them during my childhood but my brother is the only one I have been able to be with long-term and I want to be able to build a relationship with my brother as he grows up and I believe fixing my relationship with my mother will help me be able to do this. I want to be able to fix things between me and my mother for my brother but at the same time I don't want to reveal that I was the one that caused her little affair to get exposed as I feel that will damage our relationship even more. How should I approach mending things with her without damaging things further? I don't believe cheaters should be given a second chance with the person they cheated on but I want to fix things between me and mother at least temporarily for my brother.

My parents (45M, 38F) have never had a good relationship for as long as I’ve been able to remember. They both had a toxicity that boiled over and burned everyone around them (aka, me - 16, my older sister - 20 and my little brother - 11). Me and my older sister would always get the brunt of everything, and we got hurt a lot, but my brother didn’t (he only got shouted at) because he was just a baby and he had difficulties so the school’s he went to would have a close eye on him anyways.
The only reason i’m asking if i’m TA is because i’m beside myself right now. I don’t know what to do and I need advice and I’m scared I may have started the end of my family.
Just before christmas, on the second to last week of term before winter break, i refused to go into school. The only reason being was I was in a difficult situation with a couple friends and I felt i had no one, I was alone and i hated that so i didn’t want to face anyone at school incase i broke down. My dad had come into my room, telling me to get up for school, get ready and he’ll take me. An hour goes by, and I hadn’t moved from my spot in my bed. My dad comes back into my room, and says ‘you need to go to school’ and such things like that. I didn’t say anything to him, all i did was groan (like when you don’t wanna hear it or don’t wanna do smth).
flash forward about midday, my mum comes screaming and shouting into my room, telling me all these horrible things and that i needed to go to school or she’d ‘make me pay for it’. I immediately thought it meant she was going to hurt me, so i thought i’d stand up for myself and tell her ‘what? you gonna beat me because i can’t stand going to school?’.
Half an hour later, and with no one saying anything else, i heard my mum on the phone (she’s really loud - she like raises her voice down the phone unconsciously so i heard every word) but then I heard these exact words: “(dad’s name) told me she refused to get up this morning and that i fcking knew about her not going in”.
I jumped up and raced down the stairs and started screaming that i didn’t say that because my mum was threatening to ground me and ‘make me pay for it’ - which actually meant chores but i liked chores to a certain extent. My dad had lied to her to make me look me once again, like a couple years ago when I caught him cheating on my mum when messages from a random woman on facebook would ping on his screen (he cheated on her 24 times since they’ve been married, also cheated on her a couple days before their wedding day and even fcked an old woman, like an OLD OLD woman).
My dad seemed to like the chaos because he always was the root of it. Whenever my older sister and mum were on good terms, he would go whispering into my mum’s ears saying my sister said this and she said that and so on. The same went for when myself and my mum were getting along. He had lied to my mum once again about me and it ended up backfiring mostly on me.
I told my mum what really happened and she confront my dad, who was sat on the sofa watching tv, and he fought back saying ‘she said it, she said it, i’m not lying! why would i lie?’ but when my mum refused to back down, he stood up and squared his shoulder and went to leave the front room, where myself and my mum were stood, which freaked me out because he clenched his fists and my mum saw it and she hugged me, saying go upstairs because he said he wasn’t going to be spoken to like this. (he also once got told by his sister that he shouldn’t be dictated by a child - ME, his first biological child - when all i was trying to do was talk about how i felt with his drinking because it was really bad.
Because of this, he left and he showed up on christmas and spent time with us, but kept getting agitated with my little brother because he kept asking questions and kept talking about his new plane game for his ps5 (my brother was recently diagnosed with ashbergers (however you spell it, it’s on the spectrum) and ticks that could develop into tourette’s). two days later, he left and i didn’t see him for about two months.
during those two months, i was conflicted because he’s my dad and i don’t want him to leave but he didn’t reach out, and i was tired of trying to reach him for the last sixteen years of my life so i didn’t bother. whenever i tried to spend time with him on my own as father-daughter, he would ignore it until my mum forced us to watch a documentary together (it was a murder documentary because we both like the genre) and it was so awkward, i wanted the ground to swallow me whole.
i didn’t see him until he came to pick my brother up for plans they made with one another because he messaged my brother first, which hurt but i couldn’t say anything because i felt i caused the whole mess of him leaving. we didn’t talk and i told my nan (we were living at hers because my mum filed charges of DV against my dad, which he didn’t and shouldn’t have needed to know - a lot more had happened because of him, but he was a veteran so his abuse was ‘excused’ and no one said anything despite us asking for help, especially from my dad’s side of the family) that i didn’t want to see him ever again.
i did see him again, only a couple times though because i felt really bad and i wanted him to be better (from the drinking) so i went with it and spent time with him, thinking it would help but it didn’t. he’s gotten to point he physically shakes because he hadn’t had a drink that day, and his face was all red whenever we saw him. he was also denying all the abuse and harm that he caused when we were younger.
It was only recently that everything has sunk in properly. i’m 16 and doing my final exams and i have a life that i need to start leading soon, and that’s terrifying. i’m moving across the country after waiting since early january, but my dad isn’t coming and he recently told me that he’s getting a place of his own soon (he’s in a temporary hostel) and invited me to go over whenever i wanted to because he would be working and it would just be sitting there empty. i told him i might, but i’m moving on the 15th of June and i don’t even know when i’m coming to visit my sister and my nan and my nieces let alone him, especially since my mum told me to cut all contact with him.
the thing with my mum is she found herself a new man from tiktok because she’s in an “agency”, and he’s a bit of character, in all honestly. my mum had always needed a man in her life and she’s had multiple boyfriends when she and my dad would split for months at a time. the only reason we’re moving the area we are is because that man is there, and she’s lost two of the babies she could have had with him.
i’m so lost and i don’t know what to do.
my dad still drinks and he basically lives at the pub that’s across the road from where he lives at the moment, and i don’t want to watch him drink himself into an early grave.
and i believed my mum was influenced to move to where we are going because of this new man, who she’s now not with because he’s also controlling and doesn’t trust her.
do i cut all contact with my dad just because my mum doesn’t want me to or because she’s trying to protect me? i’ve just gotten him to open up to me as a dad for the first time ever and i don’t know what to do. i know he was a bad dad, and he can only love one person at a time, but am i in the wrong for wanting my dad to finally see me as a daughter?
and should i really move because my mum wants to? does it sound that it’s gone too far?
AITA for wanting my parents to get along for the sake of me and my little brother, or is that asking too much?

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

My wife and I have been married for 26 years and have been pretty happy. However, recently we have been fighting a lot. My wife dedicates herself to her work and it frequently interferes with our plans. For instance, we work at the same place and have lunch together. However, every day it is the same story, she puts me off for several hours, cuts our lunch short, or just doesn't show up at all. She is a counselor at a school and her reasoning is that if a student needs to see her then she puts that above all else. Everybody else in the school gets to take a 30 minute lunch, she almost never gets hers. As a result, I have stopped having lunch with her and go by myself. She does manage to go to Dr's appointments or Dentists during her lunch time and the students manage to survive without her. It is only when we get together that she needs to be there for her students. She says that it is her job and that is what is most important to her. In the past, I have been left sitting in parking lots for 45 minutes or longer waiting for her to leave work. Her excuse, students needed to talk. We worked in a different town from where we lived so we car pooled.
We have a very routine life and usually have sex only on the weekends. This is partly because of my fatigue but also because she stays up later than I because she has a Facebook addiction. She is usually excited, calling it "sex fest" weekend. Often our adult daughter calls last minute and asks her to babysit so she blows me off to go watch the grandchildren. Sex fest weekend turns in to a bust and usually leads to a fight.
My wife has a lot of anxiety and gets flustered when things go wrong. When the pressure is on, she will take her frustration out on me. Often telling me to "shut the F*!K up" or blaming me for what went wrong in her day. It almost always causes a fight. I have been reading religious books on how to be a good husband and I have tried applying some of the lessons but am having an extremely hard time. I have tried to exercise patience, not yell or respond to her abuse and be supportive but she usually pushes me to the brink and I lose my temper. Unfortunately, I tend to pout and give her the silent treatment. Early in our marriage we had a really bad fight and I ended up tipping her off of a couch and she hit her head on a table. I was horrified and vowed that I would never let things get physical again. To this day, I have never laid a hand on her, choosing to walk away and not talk to her until I am calm. Unfortunately, it takes me several days to calm down. She resents this and calls me "cruel and mean".
Our last fight, was over a complete misunderstanding, but once again ended with her yelling and telling me to "shut the F*!K up". I don't understand why she completely disrespects me and has such contempt for me. She feels that this behavior is totally acceptable. We discussed her total lack of respect for my time during lunch and she doubled down on "It is my job and it comes first." I tried to tell her what it was about her that upsets me but she denied everything and told me she doesn't feel like talking about it anymore. That is where we are today. Barely talking, she stays late at work, goes to our daughter's house for hours or just doesn't come home until late. She often gets in the car and takes off without telling me or my younger daughter where she is going. NO, I do not think she is cheating on me. She may be mean but she is not a cheater.
I am so close to calling it quits but for some reason still love her. It doesn't seem like she wants to spend time with me but wants to be married to me. When we do spend time together, she is always on her phone browsing Facebook or on her iPad playing card games. She seems to find any distraction to not communicate with me. She has asked me to go to counseling with her but I am skeptical. We tried that once and the guy was a complete disaster. The counselor was 3 times divorced and was a complete idiot. He actually caused more harm to our marriage than good. I am open to trying again but want to try this thread to see if anybody else has gone through something similar and has any advice.
I realize this sounds whiny and I am sure I will get some haters but I would really appreciate some advice.
Edit:
The guy that lol'd me and said that I can not expect 100% of her attention. You're right. Don't know why your post disappeared but thanks for the hard advice.

Hello redditors of antiMLM,
Just this week, I received an email from a relation advertising FOREVER—not to be confused with Forever Living. Searching through this sub, I found a few short references over the last years with little detail. In one, a commentor described FOREVER stating "as mlms go, it seems ethical." Every red light went off while I looked into these “FOREVER Ambassadors.” I then began a search, with much of the ultimate work done by my spouse. It took longer than seemed acceptable to identify this MLM for people who glanced over the internet. FOREVER is not listed on any of the MLM databases I could find from this sub or elsewhere. Based on the mandatory “FOREVER Ambassador Community” on Facebook, now 8 years old, at least 2,500 people have gotten into their clutches at some point (I haven’t linked because I think it might be against the sub rules).
Thus, for the benefit and enjoyment of the people, here are references for the community to identify a yet-another-multi-level-marketing scheme. I am a sarcastic person, so be forewarned. All sources were publicly available and required no logins or access.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
(1) Background of the FOREVER business model
(2) The FOREVER Ambassador program
(3) Costs of serving as an Ambassador
(4) Compensation advertised for Ambassadors
(4a) Income in cash from personal sales
(4b) The downline system used by FOREVER
(4c) Non-monetary-achievement compensation
(5) FOREVER Ambassador Business Training
(6) Conclusion down to brass tax on FOREVER
STUDY OF FOREVER
(1) Background of the FOREVER business model
FOREVER is an online service that advertises it can be a “permanent digital home that lasts for many generations.”[1] This is to be accomplished via a so-called “FOREVER Guarantee Fund” that invests to pay for digital storage for over 100 years.[1] Their website promises me that “permanent” is “not a buzzword”—I think that’s the Platonian ideal of a buzzword.[1] Regardless, this is not a quality review post.
(2) The FOREVER Ambassador program
The sellers used by FOREVER are called “FOREVER Ambassadors.”[2] As advertised, it looks like a classic MLM pitch. You can “earn up to 35%” commission” while having “the freedom to work from home, and the flexibility to make money on your own schedule.”[2] FOREVER lists various opportunities, such as “trainings” and the ability to “learn and grow with friends,” as well as “make life-long friends.”[2] As part of the “Meet our Team” webpage for corporate FOREVER, there are multiple “Executive Ambassadors” listed.[3] There is no barrier to entry on experience required to become an Ambassador.[4] I observed that, throughout the internet and on the FOREVER website, the vast majority of Ambassadors are women—as you know, many MLMs target women and moms.
(3) Costs of serving as an Ambassador
FOREVER has, at minimum, an “Annual Ambassador Fee” that is the primary cost to entry of the program.[2] For $179 a year, one would receive “back office tools,” various marketing materials, and “countless opportunities”—maybe money, but more on that soon.[2] There is a link to an Ambassador’s own selling website.[5, at 22] This Ambassador fee “is subject to change over time.”[5, at 25] There is also a FOREVER Merchandise store where Ambassadors can get their supplies.[6] These include a 40-pack set of catalogs for $44.99 and a $144.99 tablecloth for potential customers during in-person events.[6]
For Ambassadors, FOREVER advertises there are “free training events.”[5, at 25] Each year, for $399 in 2024, Ambassadors can attend the 3-day “FOREVER Live!” event.[7] It is in the destination getaway of… next to their headquarters in Pittsburgh, PA (I’m sorry Pittsburgh, you’re a beautiful city).[5, at 24] It is also possible to pay for a “p2P Virtual Party” and “p2P Live Events,” but is unclear what those mean.[5, at 5] Various “ranks” of Ambassadors receive a “monthly stipend” starting at $25 a month after $15,000 total in personal plus team sales a year.[5, at 9]
(4) Compensation advertised for Ambassadors
(4a) Income in cash from personal sales
FOREVER pays its Ambassadors based on a “cash sales” versus “full sales” system.[5, at 5] The too-long-didn’t-read summary is that some products are paid less commission than others because of “margin” of different products.[5, at 5–6] Critically, the Personal Commission Rate is where our story kicks into gear. At the bottom, an Ambassador who sells less than $2,000 a year in sales receives the windfall of a 15% commission.[5, at 7] The number rises to 34% once sales are $90,000 or greater in one year (I don’t know where the 35% from earlier went).[5, at 7] However, to earn the 20% commission or more once one passes the $2,000 sales amount requires completion of the “FOREVER Ambassador Business (FAB) Training.”[5, at 7] I read it, more on that later.
You might ask, “Is there a sales quota for FOREVER® Ambassadors?” FOREVER says “no.”[8] However, the less one does the less FOREVER pays Ambassadors for what they do (this chart is older than the Compensation Guide cited).[8]
(4b) The downline system used by FOREVER
Of course, while it took forever to reach here, we come to the “downline” process—FOREVER’s words, not mine.[9] FOREVER immediately identified that new Ambassadors “choose another Ambassador to mentor you as you grow your business” (I do not know if this means an upline).[2] Nevertheless, “Team Sales” are compensated by FOREVER down to the 5th Line.[5, at 9] If an Ambassador does not build a team, then they do not earn Team Commissionable Cash Sales Commissions.[5, at 9] FOREVER states that getting new Ambassadors “to sign up under your name” is how you help “further your business.”[9]
However, even if an Ambassador builds a team, they receive a very restricted downline compensation if they do not make a minimum of personal sales.[5, at 9] For future reference, an “Associate Ambassador,” the bottom, makes less than $2,000 and earns no downline sales.[5, at 9] An “Ambassador,” second to last, is the first rank with a downline commission (4% for 1st Line), requiring $2,000/personal a year.[5, at 9] To reach “Senior Ambassador,” third to last, and above, a FOREVER Ambassador must start earning exponentially greater amounts of personal plus team sales to rise in the “ranks.”[5, at 9] A Senior Ambassador requires $8,000/personal but $15,000/gross, and is the first to get 2nd Line commission (4% for 1st Line and 2% for 2nd Line).[5, at 9] It is unclear to me if “new members” must be recruited “each month” to rankup—the website says so, but I see it nowhere in the Compensation Guide.[8]
At the top of hierarchy, there become two “Executive Ambassadors.”[5, at 9–10] These ranks start at $28,000/personal and $250,000/gross a year.[5, at 9] As well, one must have at least three “Team Leaders” in their 1st Line.[5, at 10] Team Leaders refers to Ambassadors who have themselves reached the rank of “Associate Lead Ambassador” ($12,000/personal and $30,000/gross).[5, at 9] FOREVER advertises that the Executive ranks are for—and I am not making this up—those Ambassadors who are “grooming FOREVER Leaders on your team below you.”[5, at 10] Irony is dead folks.
(4c) Non-monetary-achievement compensation
Because being paid to work is overrated, FOREVER will also provide “Additional Benefits” to its various ranks. As an Associate Ambassador, you can join the aforementioned Facebook Group and hear the CEO talk on a monthly phone call.[5, at 11] Regular Ambassadors also get a certificate to put on their wall.[5, at 11] Senior Ambassadors get a standing ovation at FOREVER Live!—you can even be ovated on stage as an Associate Lead Ambassador (I would pay $179 a year to not).[5, at 13–14] My observation is that a lot of ranks mostly provide additional types of standing ovations at FOREVER Live! and reserved seats for dinners there.
But then you can reach the pinnacle of Everest (that much like the real one, other people just carry you up there): the Million Dollar Club.[5, at 20] For making $1 million in personal and team sales in a year, one will earn a single $10,000 dollar bonus.[5, at 20] If you are then a “top-performing Ambassador,” one can be taken on the “Achievement Gathering,” to Jamaica in 2024, to mill around with other top-performing Ambassadors—and the corporate staff.[5, at 24] There is no mention how many people earn it or how much must be earned.[5, at 24]
(5) FOREVER Ambassador Business Training
I mentioned earlier that Ambassadors must complete a “FAB” training to receive more than 15% in commissions.[5, at 7] To hit this post home, I wanted to identify some highlights. The FAB training has 5 Steps to reach regular Ambassador status.[10, at 4] These Steps include such activities as “Meet with your Upline” (Step 1), “Connect with your Upline” (Step 2), “Meet with your Upline” (Step 3), “Meet with your Upline” (Step 4), and “Meet with your Upline” (Step 5).[10, at 7, 10, 12, 14, 16] You also have to join the FOREVER Facebook group and any created by your Team (just “ask your Upline” to find it).[10, at 6–7] There’s a task in Step 2 to create an introductory “Share List,” with five lines each for “Friends,” “Teachers,” and your own “Parents/Grandparents.”[10, at 7–9] For an unclear number of hours, you must attend multiple weekly and monthly “training opportunities” and “calls.”[10, at 6–7, 10] And one last item, to rank up in FOREVER, you must register for an upcoming event.[10, at 12] As of writing, the only one listed on the linked webpage is the $399 FOREVER Live! conference.[11]
(6) Conclusion down to brass tax on FOREVER
I was unable to find an Income Disclosure Statement for FOREVER. However, basic math tells us that an Associate Ambassador, the bottom, can only earn up to $300 a year.[5, at 11] To reach regular Ambassador, which includes signing up and beginning all the time sinks listed above, the maximum personal commission is $1,200, in addition to whatever downline (however big those are on average).[5, at 11] Without a downline, even the top-bracket personal sellers are the only ones to earn more than $30,000 a year.[5, at 7] The Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis estimates that the Real Median Personal Income in the United States for 2022 was $40,480.[12]
There is one way to make it with FOREVER: to build a downline. It’s a multi-level-marketing scheme, and no one should join it. Unless of course, you want to join my downline—I promise you'll be rich just like me.
LIST OF REFERENCES
[1] “Our Story,” FOREVER.com (accessed May 18, 2024), https://www.forever.com/our-story
[2] “Become a FOREVER Ambassador,” FOREVER.com (accessed May 18, 2024), https://www.forever.com/opportunity
[3] “Meet Our Team,” FOREVER.com (accessed May 18, 2024), https://www.forever.com/our-story/team
[4] “What is required of me as a FOREVER Ambassador?,” FOREVER.com Support (accessed May 18, 2024 [updated “2 years ago”]), https://support.forever.com/hc/en-us/articles/215823437-What-is-required-of-me-as-a-FOREVER-Ambassador
[5] Ambassador Compensation Guide, FOREVER (Jan. 31, 2024), https://www.forever.com/app/users/forevealbums/ambassador-kit/f3ii4wzeewd0nfwg4nb40kyw1/files/1043b0c6-de01-4aff-a1e3-83db7e6b1b17
[6] “FOREVER Merchandise,” FOREVER.com Ambassador Training (accessed May 18, 2024), https://www.training.forever.com/store
[7] “FOREVER Live! 2024,” FOREVER.com (accessed May 18, 2024), https://www.forever.com/events/forever-live-2024
[8] “Is there a sales quota for FOREVER® Ambassadors?,” FOREVER.com Support (accessed May 18, 2024 [updated “2 years ago”]), https://support.forever.com/hc/en-us/articles/215142548-Is-there-a-sales-quota-for-FOREVER-Ambassadors
[9] “Downline,” FOREVER.com Support (accessed May 18, 2024 [updated “2 years ago”]), https://support.forever.com/hc/en-us/articles/221072448-Downline
[10] FOREVER Ambassador Business Training, FOREVER (May 14, 2024), https://www.forever.com/app/users/ambassador-training/albums/02-forever-ambassador-business-training-booklet/qcg622q43zy6835w9ojq3wkw/files/f0bd2387-bb14-43a2-a46d-344a91470147
[11] “Events,” FOREVER.com (accessed May 18, 2024), https://www.forever.com/events
[12] “Real Median Personal Income in the United States,” Federal Reserve of St. Louis (accessed May 18, 2024), https://fred.stlouisfed.org/series/MEPAINUSA672N
POST EDITS
A few formatting errors and a minor phrasing correction.

Hi I’m a 29 year old female. When I was 13, I fell pregnant. This wasn’t a consensual relationship, I was a virgin who didn’t really even know how babies were made, i still played with barbies, I was raped by my friends 23 year old brother during a sleepover.
I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t know I was pregnant, Id only started my periods a few months prior so there absence didn’t concern me and like I said, I didn’t really know how babies were made beyond the basics. I found out I was pregnant at 29 weeks when I went to ER with my parents for stomach pain.
My parents were very angry at me despite the circumstances. He was convicted and imprisoned. They tried to find a doctor who’d give me an abortion but none would due to gestation. They said I had to give the baby up and I went along with it, I had no support from them and I grew up having a very cold relationship with them. When my daughter was born I was inconsolable and didn’t want to give her up. I refused to and my daughter was forcefully taken from me at the hospital. I was told that I was too young and because of that they didn’t need my consent for adoption just the consent of my parents. After which I was hysterical and had to be sedated. I made attempts on my life in the months after that. I was then put in to boarding school, where I stayed until I was 18.
It wasn’t an open adoption, I was allowed to leave a letter with her and I also left her my necklace which was my prized possession at the time. The adoptive mother stated she wanted no contact which I was devastated about but the social worker told me I could have contact when she turned 18. After I turned 18 and left boarding school, I moved in with my Nan whilst attending university. My Nan gave me so much love and care and was very disappointed in my parents (my Nan had no knowledge of me even being pregnant)
When I was 21 I graduated and I also got pregnant, that relationship didn’t work out but I’ve since married and had 3 more children. But I’ve never stopped thinking about my first born. I gave birth to her on my 14th birthday so we share a birthday and every birthday I feel like I’m grieving. I go through periods of just crying and staying in bed feeling guilty at what I’d done. I still feel so guilty and I can’t cope with guilt it eats me up.
Anyway, my daughter who is now 15 found me on Facebook 2 weeks ago (I have a distinct name and I still use my maiden name on there) she messaged me an angry message and then blocked me so I couldn’t even respond.
She messaged me saying that she hates me and I’m dead to her, she told me how much she loves her adoptive mother and as far as she’s concerned I don’t exist. She says I’ve turned her in to a “messed up person” She told me how she thought I was a disgusting person for giving her up for adoption because I wanted to “enjoy life without the burden of a child” her words. She called me a slut (among other words) and questioned why I was having sex at 13. She said that she hoped my other children die and called them racist terms (they are mixed) because she is angry that I kept them and not her and that she felt that meant I wasn’t good enough. She then went on to say her adoptive mother told her that
1: My parents (her bio grandparents) wanted her but I refused to look after her and wanted her to be adopted (lies)
2: I wanted an abortion and told adoptive mother that I wished I could have had an abortion (lies)
3: That adoptive mother had reached out to me when I was 21 and pregnant with her first sibling to ask if I wanted contact, and I (according to her birth mum) said I didn’t care about her and wanted to forget the whole thing and asked her not to contact me again. (God knows if that had actually happened I would have jumped at the chance)
4: That I was sleeping around with a lot of men my age and didn’t know her bio dad as I’d been with so many male school friends which is why I got sent to boarding school because I was “out of control” (lies)
All the above are just outright lies. I am glad she doesn’t know the circumstances of her conception, I’d be happy if bio mum had told her for example that her father was a childhood boyfriend of mine because the truth is something she shouldn’t know until she’s older, but to suggest I was sleeping around with multiple men at the age of 13 and didn’t know who he was is disgusting when it’s not true.
Im not able to contact her back because she’s blocked me. I’ve looked at her profile from my husbands account, I’ve seen her adoptive mum and dads Facebook profile but I don’t intend to contact any of them as much as I want to because I guess I will just tell her everything when she’s 18 if she wants to hear it because perhaps now is not the appropriate age.
Her mums Facebook shows that she is her only child, that she’s now divorced (her and her husband adopted my daughter so she’s since divorced him) they have lots of photos together. She has one post saying they were being evicted and asking if anyone knew any landlords so not in stable housing.
I found her adoptive fathers Facebook. No photos of my daughter but plenty of photos of his new wife and their 3 children. It seems he’s moved overseas.
My daughters Facebook is concerning and it’s public so I could see everything. She posts quotes about depression and anxiety, has scars on her wrists which I believe are SH scars) writes status’ such as “no body cares about me I may as well just die” and posts indicating how she hates her adoptive father (not sure what’s gone on there, likely adoptive mother has poisoned her against him too or won’t allow access but he possibly he just doesn’t want involvement) constantly posts pictures laying in a hospital bed and attached to a drip with wounds on her arms.
I know I shouldn’t have been snooping on adoptive parents and daughters Facebook as much as I did but I needed to ensure I had all info to give to social services and so I knew the situation. When I met them, they seemed kind. Social services are allowed to tell birth parents a bit about the adoptive parents life at the time of adoption, they told me they had been together for 10 years prior, she was unable to carry a pregnancy past 20 weeks and had lost a lot of babies before pursing adoption, that they had a lovely big home and that she didn’t work so had a lot of time for baby and her husband was in the army and how they had lots of extended family to love the child.
I have since informed social services about what I’ve seen on Facebook and they’ve just told me that they can not discuss this with me due to confidentiality as she’s legally not my child but have said they can assure me that they are looking in to it (I screenshot and sent the posts) and are doing everything necessary to ensure she is ok and now have involvement with her and bio mum. They can’t update me on their circumstances now (like they did when she was adopted) because the adoption is done.
I don’t really know what to do. She has a false impression of me told by her adoptive mother. None of which is true, she was so wanted and I’ve never got over it. I now fear that her thinking I rejected her and didn’t want her and she wasn’t good enough has led to some serious mental health issues and potentially these will only get worse or she could harm herself very badly based on lots of lies.
I want her to know I love her, I want her to know I wanted her but I was forced to give her up, I want her to know that I still love her and always will and that I’d do anything for her. I want to tell her I was never contacted by adoptive mother and had I have been I would have jumped at the opportunity to even just talk to my daughter. I want to tell her that I do know her bio father and I wasn’t sleeping with multiple men (although the truth regarding the rape shouldn’t be disclosed right now) I just want her to know all of this, but I’m powerless until she is 18. I have been told if I message her from a different account since I’m blocked I could face legal charges.
I am so scared of her hurting herself based on lies. Her adoptive mum whilst I believe does love her, has poisoned my daughter against me in an attempt to get my daughter to hate me because she doesn’t want daughter potentially coming back to me or forming a relationship with me and her getting pushed out, so she’s said all of this to make that impossible so she will be her only mother.
But that’s to the detriment of my daughter, my daughter clearly has mental health issues and whilst they could be from other things I know that feeling unloved, unwanted and having being told this information that is outright lies must be weighing heavily on her and making her feel inadequate. I can’t imagine if I was adopted and I heard things like that about my bio mum, it would devastate me and I would hate myself.
I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this post just looking for advice. I can contact her in 3 years. But I’m scared in those 3 years something bad could happen with the way her mental health is, and that something bad may happen without her knowing the truth about how much I love her.
I’ve been off sick from work since, I have been an emotional wreck. I just hope she’s okay even if she does hate me. Of course I’d love to tell her the truth but more than anything I want her to know the truth for the sake of her own mental well-being even if that means she still doesn’t want to speak to me. Social services just keep telling me that they can’t discuss anything with her about me beyond the basics of the fact that she’s adopted. The rest is down to adoptive mother to disclose if she wishes. When she is 18 she will get access to her file and know the true circumstances but until then, everything she knows is based on lies.
I fully understand her angry reaction because I can understand being told that about your bio mother would upset and anger anyone. I’m more concerned about the fact her adoptive mum thinks this is ok just to keep daughter close to her and away from me but to the detriment of her mental health and feelings. She could have just for example said “your mum was young so couldn’t care for you but I’m sure she loves you” that’s what I’d say if I was an adoptive mother - even if that wasn’t the truth!

Welcome to /Charity!

Got a charitable cause you'd like to share! This is the place!

Requirements

For 501c(3) non-profits (US) or a Non-Governmental Organization (aka NGO outside the US)

• For a registered 501c(3) or other certified charity (such as NGO's in other non-US countries), the charity must be listed in a governmental web site for verification.
• A fundraiser that is being handled directly by that charity, such as the American Heart Association's Heartwalk or JDRF's charity walk, where you supply a link on their site for your team/yourself.
• A crowdfunding site that shows it is directly benefiting a certified charity.

Please modmail us so that we can flair your post as a registered certified non-profit!

For Everyone Else

You must have both

• Account age of 30 days or older AND
• Comment karma of 250 or greater.

NOTE: We are specifically looking for COMMENT karma. The karma value you are probably looking at is a COMBINED value, consisting of both Link/Post karma plus Comment karma.

To view your karma breakdown:

• Mouse-hover over your username on desktop. This works for both the old and redesigned web site.
• On the official Reddit app for iOS, view your profile, then tap the karma value shown.
• On the official Reddit app for Android, you can't. Complain on /redditmobile.
• On the unofficial Reddit App for Android, RIF (Formerly known as Reddit is Fun), your breakdown is listed on your profile screen.

The following circumventions will result in a ban:

• Using a karma farming subreddit, such as Karma4You, or asking focomplaining about karma in a general sub.
• Unsolicited private messaging to push your campaign.
• Posting your campaign on someone else's post.

Comment Karma is directly correlated to how many comments you leave plus/minus any points as people upvote a popular comment or downvote an unpopular comment.

Credibility, Community, and You

AKA, Why Do We Have Account Requirements for Individuals?
In an effort to make your crowdfunding efforts more successful here on Reddit, some background first:
In many of the gifting and fundraising subs, you'll notice that without a certain amount "karma" and an account that's old enough, you'll garner down votes or worse, your posts and comments get automatically removed.
Why?
To many Redditors, this place is a community built on activity. The "coin" of the land here is your account, and how much you've contributed to the Reddit community at large reflected in post and comment karma.
As a general rule, Redditors dislike the creation of accounts specifically to fund raise or to make requests. It makes it seem like these people simply treat Reddit as some sort of magical internet wallet, and that doesn't win many friends.
The other reason why new accounts are so disliked is that they're often alternate accounts of established users, in order to hide their activity from people they know. While we do sympathize with those of you who have valid reasons, this privilege is often abused by those who create disposable accounts to scam people for a quick buck.
This trust issue doesn't exist in the same way with certified non-profit groups, as you can look them up online for verification, and at least in the case of 501c(3)s, their spending is transparent due to their required tax filings which are public information.
So if you're new to Reddit, welcome! Spend some time and look around for something that catches your interest and chat it up with others and become part of the community!
However if you're here for the sole reason of making requests in a hurry, please be aware your pleas for help will likely be ignored.
REMEMBER, CREDIBILITY AND COMMUNITY IS EVERYTHING!
For this reason, the mods will not post anything on behalf of any user that does not meet account requirements.

Rules

1. Posts must be more than just a link to your campaign. Be descriptive! Show evidence . This includes:
   1. If this is for your pet, photos of your pet in question, with your username on a handwritten note in the picture.
   2. School documentation showing enrollment if you are asking for assistance for school.
   3. Redacted bills showing your situation.
   4. Or other relevant documentation that can help establish credibility.
   5. At minimum, please attach an unobstructed selfie photo of yourself(the submitter) with a handwritten note of your username.
   6. Low effort posts that simply say to the effect of, "everything is listed in the GoFundMe" will be removed.
2. Please Flair your posts, once created. If you don't know how, just let the mods know and we'll do it for you.
3. Only 1 campaign per user. We want you have some personal connection to the campaign, and not submit multiples simply because they were in the news.
4. Reposts are allowed once a week. If a repost comes up too early, the newest one(s) will be removed.
5. Acceptable transfer methods for individuals are for crowdfunding sites only, such as GoFundme, YouCaring, etc. Individuals should avoid using Paypal, crypto, or direct banking aps (like Chase). 501c(3) and NGOs may use whatever method they wish.
6. Don't PM people to make requests. If you receive an unsolicited private message, please let us know!
7. Do not post politically-related campaigns. They're just too divisive.
8. Trolling will not be tolerated and offending users will be banned.
9. Don't bug the mods for an exception to the account requirements. None will be given. If you attempt to circumvent the requirement by karma farming or by commenting on someone else's post, your account will be banned.
10. No posting for other Redditors. No Alts. This is viewed as a circumvention of requirements and both accounts will be banned.
11. Selling is only allowed by 1st parties directly. We do not allow selling by 3rd parties to benefit another organization, as there's no transparency to verify that the announced percentage of sales actually goes to the beneficiary. Only direct sales by the non-profit organization are allowed.

Supporting Information Requested for Non-501c(3) and Non-NGO campaigns.

We aren't the government. We aren't a court of law. We definitely don't want you to give out information that could lead to identity theft. However, some campaigns are more successful when they have additional documentation.
This includes:

• Pet related requests: Photos of your pet in question, with your username on a handwritten note in the picture. This helps show you actually own the pet in question.
• Education related requests: Documentation showing enrollment or acceptance if you are asking for assistance for school.
• Redacted bills showing your situation. In some cases, a donor may prefer to pay a creditor directly on your behalf, so be prepared and find out if that is available to you.
• If you are sharing a campaign for a registered certified non-profit organization (such as a 501c3 or NGO), you should say so in the post, and it should list that status on the campaign page/web site.
• Or other relevant documentation that can help establish credibility.

Low effort posts that simply say to the effect of, "everything is listed in the GoFundMe" (or less!) will be removed.

How to Include a Photo or Other Supporting Info Document In Your Post

Because Reddit wasn't initially designed to handle photos when it was created, it has limitations in the implementation of photo support which don't work well for us. So instead we suggest the following:

1. Upload your photo to Imgur.com or other photo hosting site.
2. Copy the URL for the photo.
3. Create a new post or Edit your existing one to include the URL to the photo.

Please make sure to include this, as it is the primary reason why posts that are otherwise fine get removed.

Advice On Making Your Campaign Go Further

Not all crowdfunding campaigns are the same, but here are some suggestions.

• Make sure your campaign has been shared among your Facebook friends! You might think it's embarrassing, however your friends and family are more likely to care than internet strangers.
• Show that you've exhausted all the other possibilities. A lot of potential donors don't like to give money when it seems like the requester's first and only solution is to simply throw someone else's money at the problem. Nobody is going to take your word when you literally only say, "but I've done everything!", when the actual reality is probably closer to "I've done everything I can think of", which arguably is NOT everything.
• Show that there's a plan to use the money wisely. Often people have campaigns for their business ideas, but it doesn't really seem like they thought it all the way through. Tell people what steps you've taken so far, and what you're going to do next.
• Be open to critics. If there's something that people ask about, you should not be dismissive. Provide more detail. There's a possibility that they know something you don't, or they have something different about their own experience that might be useful to you. If you simply brush off your critics, it shows objectively that you're not doing everything possible.
• Review your own campaign with the mindset of a potential donor. Ask yourself, "Would I give money to this?" Or get a friend to review it for you.

Questions?

Please don't hesitate to ask the mods!
... Unless you're trying to ask for an exception to the account requirements.

Welcome to /gofundme!

____
In an effort to make your crowdfunding efforts more successful here on Reddit, some background first:
​
Credibility, Community, and You
AKA, Why Do We Have Account Requirements?
In many of the gifting and fundraising subs, you'll notice that without a certain amount "karma" and an account that's old enough, you'll garner down votes or worse, your posts and comments get automatically removed.
Why?
To many Redditors, this place is a community built on activity. The "coin" of the land here is your account, and how much you've contributed to the Reddit community at large reflected in post and comment karma.
As a general rule, Redditors dislike the creation of accounts specifically to fund raise or to make requests. It makes it seem like these people simply treat Reddit as some sort of magical internet wallet, and that doesn't win many friends.
The other reason why new accounts are so disliked is that they're often alternate accounts of established users, in order to hide their activity from people they know. While we do sympathize with those of you who have valid reasons, this privilege is often abused by those who create disposable accounts to scam people for a quick buck.
So if you're new to Reddit, welcome! Spend some time and look around for something that catches your interest and chat it up with others and become part of the community!
However if you're here for the sole reason of making requests in a hurry, please be aware your pleas for help will likely be ignored.
​
**REMEMBER, CREDIBILITY AND COMMUNITY IS EVERYTHING!**
​
For this reason, the mods will not post anything on behalf of any user that does not meet account requirements.
_____
Account Requirements
All accounts must meet BOTH of the following:

1. Account age of 90 days or older.
2. *Comment* karma of 250 or greater.

NOTE: We are specifically looking for *COMMENT* karma. The karma value you are probably looking at is a COMBINED value, consisting of both Link/Post karma plus Comment karma.
​
To view your karma breakdown:

• Mouse-hover over your username on desktop. This works for both the old and redesigned web site.
• On the official Reddit app for iOS, view your profile, then tap the karma value shown.
• On the official Reddit app for Android, view your profile, then tap the karma value shown.
• On the unofficial Reddit App for Android, RIF (Formerly known as Reddit is Fun), your breakdown is listed on your profile screen.

​
The following circumventions will result in a ban, and get you added to the UniversalScammerList:

• Using a karma farming subreddit, such as Karma4You. Also posts and comments asking for karma or complaining that you don't have enough karma counts as karma farming.
• Unsolicited private messaging to push your campaign.
• Posting your campaign on someone else's post. (EVEN ON THIS ONE!)

Comment Karma is directly correlated to how many comments you leave plus/minus any points as people upvote a popular comment or downvote an unpopular comment.
_____
Rules
​

1. Posts must be more than just a link to your campaign. Be descriptive! Be prepared to show evidence if needed. If the mods find it lacking, it may be removed.
2. Please Flair your posts, once created. If you don't know how, just let the mods know and we'll do it for you.
3. Only 1 GoFundMe per user. We want you have some personal connection to the campaign, and not submit multiple GFMs simply because they were in the news.
4. Reposts are allowed once a week. If a repost comes up too early, the newest one(s) will be removed.
5. Crowdfunding sites only. No crypto currency, direct PayPal, cash transfers, trading or loans. Our scope is only GoFundMe and other crowd sourced funding sites.
6. Don't PM people to make requests. If you receive an unsolicited private message, please let us know!
7. Do not post politically-related campaigns. They're just too divisive. Also, they're too often used to scam people (remember the campaign to fund Trump's wall?).
8. Trolling will not be tolerated and offending users will be banned.
9. Don't bug the mods for an exception to the account requirements. None will be given. If you attempt to circumvent the requirement by karma farming or by commenting on someone else's post, your account will be banned.
10. No posting for other Redditors. No Alts. This is viewed as a circumvention of the requirements and the accounts in question will be banned. (New Oct 22, 2020)
11. No referral links. A referral link like that isn't likely to solve anyone's financial problems in the time frame they need. (New March 16, 2024)

Any referral links posted here will be flagged as spam, and may trigger your account to be added to Reddit's site-wide spammer list.
_____
Supporting Information Requested
We aren't the government. We aren't a court of law. We definitely don't want you to give out information that could lead to identity theft. However, some campaigns are more successful when they have additional documentation.
This includes:
- Pet related requests: Photos of your pet in question, with your username on a handwritten note in the picture. This helps show you actually own the pet in question.
- Education related requests: Documentation showing enrollment or acceptance if you are asking for assistance for school.
- Redacted bills showing your situation. In some cases, a donor may prefer to pay a creditor directly on your behalf, so be prepared and find out if that is available to you.
- If you are sharing a campaign for a registered certified non-profit organization (such as a 501c3 or NGO), you should say so in the post, and it should list that status on the campaign page/web site.
- Or other relevant documentation that can help establish credibility.
- At minimum, an unobstructed selfie photo of yourself(the submitter) holding a handwritten note of your username is required if none of the above apply.
Low effort posts that simply say to the effect of, "everything is listed in the GoFundMe" (or less!) will be removed.
_____
Advice On Making Your Campaign Go Further
Not all crowdfunding campaigns are the same, but here are some suggestions.

• Make sure your campaign has been shared among your Facebook friends! You might think it's embarrassing, however your friends and family are more likely to care than internet strangers.
• Show that you've exhausted all the other possibilities. A lot of potential donors don't like to give money when it seems like the requester's first and only solution is to simply throw someone else's money at the problem. Nobody is going to take your word when you literally only say, "but I've done everything!", when the actual reality is probably closer to "I've done everything I can think of", which arguably is NOT everything.
• Show that there's a plan to use the money wisely. Often people have campaigns for their business ideas, but it doesn't really seem like they thought it all the way through. Tell people what steps you've taken so far, and what you're going to do next.
• Be open to critics. If there's something that people ask about, you should not be dismissive. Provide more detail. There's a possibility that they know something you don't, or they have something different about their own experience that might be useful to you. If you simply brush off your critics, it shows objectively that you're not doing everything possible.
• Review your own campaign with the mindset of a potential donor. Ask yourself, "Would I give money to this?" Or get a friend to review it for you.

_____
Questions?
Please don't hesitate to ask the mods!
​
... Unless you're trying to ask for an exception to the account requirements.

My feelings surrounding my family are complicated for starters. I’m obviously traumatized from my childhood however due to the other effects of trauma, I can’t exactly remember all of my life, but what I can just fills me with sadness. I had severe depression as a child, would come home from school and go straight to sleep, regularly without dinner. We were also poor so dinner wasn’t a nightly thing as is. Instead of getting me help when I told my parents about my suicidal thoughts they made it about them, my mom even posted about it on Facebook but in the end I never received help.
I’ve started to realize more and more that my life was meant to be as a service to everyone else in my family, something needed done I got asked to do it. I needed help with something and was told to figure it out. My days off from work I’m expected to help out and I would get yelled at when I’d refuse. There was a point when my depression was so bad I genuinely couldn’t do much but lay in bed when I wasn’t in school or at work. I was constantly exhausted from being ALIVE let alone having to go from 6 am to 10 pm with school and work to help with bills, and my family would call me lazy when I tried to talk about what was going on in my mind. Doing everything possible to stay alive because my family “loves me” and getting called lazy was like a snack to the face.
My mom was discipline happy where teaching us how to clean our room was for her to sit in the doorway with a wooden spoon and smack it loudly to intimidate me and my sister. She would have our dad spank us occasionally if we did something really bad (like not clean my room because I had homework). One thing I remember her saying was “maybe I should get your father involved since you apparently like getting spanked and I can’t hit you hard enough”
Now as an adult I’m labeled “sensitive” and “dramatic” when I express my feelings or frustrations about my family. Out of my siblings I’m the ONLY one who seems to have had this type of childhood. Me and my sister were also treated very differently from my older brothers as well, and my brothers refuse to believe us. My dad ended up favoring me and my sister but was harsh on my brothers when they were young, and my mom favored my brothers and was harsher to my sister and I.
I do still love my family and I want parents who love me and accept me in EVERY way that I am but I just don’t see my parents changing. They’re religious and I don’t exactly fit their values… I’m starting to think just walking away from them is the best option? If I confront them they’ll just try to gaslight me into believing I’m the problem. I’ve always been the bad guy in my family my mom even used to call me a punisher simply because I’d go to my room when I was upset and didn’t know how to express my feelings so 8 year old me was just an absolute monster for taking out my feelings on myself. Would I be an asshole if I walked away and cut my losses? My family is very nosey and my mom is the type to tell the entire family my business. I do actively see the manipulation tactics that are deeeeeply engrained in my family and how they casually talk to one another, whatever I choose it’s going to be a shitstorm unfortunately…
TL;DR my family is very manipulative and emotionally abusive at least towards me, and I don’t have the full confidence to cut ties out of fear of being the asshole and my whole family giving me shit if they track me down. But I want to

For context, this story happened nearly 3 years ago, however a recent late-night conversation with a friend made it clear to me that the repercussions of this incident are still being felt to this day.
I (25M) met my now-ex girlfriend (25F), whom I will be assigning the fake name "Anne," when we were both 17 at our small town high school in semi-rural Georgia. Our romantic relationship began following our senior prom which we attended together. Despite our approaching high school graduations, the two of us decided that we could make our relationship work beyond high school and into college since we would both be attending different universities in the same city. We each grew up in typical southern protestant traditions and casually held onto some sort of religious beliefs. I, myself, have always identified religiously as something of a deist, meaning I believed (and still do to this day) that some sort of higher entity, force, or meaning was responsible for existence. Anne, at that time, would have self-identified as a Christian and attended church semi-regularly, however it was never a significant part of her life or attitude toward the world.
Shortly after we both began our new lives as college students in an unfamiliar city, Anne expressed that she would like to search for a new church to attend regularly as it helped create a sense of community and belonging for her which she had been missing since moving away from home. I strongly encouraged this, since I wanted her to be able to make friends and discover herself philosophically. The church that caught her attention was a non-denominational "modern" church that seemed to emphasize community at least on a surface level basis. However, out of curiosity, I took a look at the church's website and did notice a few mentions of "Pentecostal experience", which worried me since my only knowledge of Pentecostals was rumors of snake handling, especially in the more rural areas of the South. However, I chose to not be too judgmental upfront and continued to encourage her to find herself and meet new people.
Over the next few months, Anne started to spend more and more time devoted to bible studies and attending gatherings for women at the church. She specifically asked me not to accompany her on Sunday services since, as she put it, the elder members of the church would not act too kindly about unmarried woman "dragging around" some unfamiliar man who was not her husband. It became clear pretty quickly that she was becoming more than just a casual Christian and I supported this, however we did not talk much about the specifics of what she was being taught at this church.
This all came to a head when one night, Anne asked me if she could pray over me in something she called a "spiritual language." Having only ever heard vaguely of speaking in tongues, I obliged. I sat next to her on my couch and watched as she raised one hand and began quietly chanting in complete gibberish. My heart immediately sank in discomfort and fear but I was too stunned to do anything. so I just sat and watched for several minutes until she finally went quiet. All I could do or say was tell her that I appreciated her thoughtfulness and went about my day.
Pretty soon, the behaviors and acts became more and more extreme. Her "tongues" became louder and more intense and began to include violent shakes and lots (and I mean LOTS) of crying. She spoke of seeing "signs" and hearing "the voice of God" in a very literal sense. Her grades in college even began to suffer as more and more of her time was devoted to these newfound beliefs. Naturally, I became extremely worried that she was slowly slipping into some sort of paranoid delusional psychosis. At the very least, these teachings made her into a much angrier and more paranoid person. It was clear that her new beliefs were more than just a spiritual awakening but also a nose-dive into a mental health crisis.
Our relationship, at this point, was very clearly waning but my feelings toward the woman I once knew were still strong. I decided that it was time for an intervention of sorts. This resulted in me spending a whole weekend studying Pentecostal beliefs and reading Reddit stories from ex-Pentecostals about what it took to break them out of their conditioning. It was on a Monday night when I invited her over to my apartment to confront her about how the things her church were teaching her were actively harming her and even presented her with evidence of how these churches prey on mentally unwell people and how "speaking in tongues" was nothing more than an experience in her own brain chemicals. While I had hoped that hearing her new beliefs be directly confronted would help break the spell they had on her, it seemed to have no effect. Surprisingly, she did not fight back or show much anger toward my confrontation, instead resorting to the "please respect my beliefs" argument that made it so hard to push back against, since, at this time, I was still concerned about preserving our relationship.
Unfortunately, things only got worse from here. I spent some time trying to ignore the issue for the sake of the relationship, especially because I did not sense that I had many other romantic options given my shy nature and struggles to make new friends at college. However, my new "ignorance is bliss" approach to our relationship did not last long. At this point, we had been together for about 3 years and the conversation of marriage and kids started to become serious. I have always wanted kids since I come from a large family with many siblings, which Anne seemingly was excited about as well. However, after a pleasant conversation in which we fantasized about what we would name our children, she said something that sparked an anger in me that I did not often feel. She told me that if any of our future children came out to us as gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, or anything like that, that we would have to disown that child at all costs and that she could not love her child knowing that they were a "sodomite" (her words). I have always considered myself an ally of LGBTQ+ folks and wouldn't think twice about loving my children any less if they came out to me and have always felt this way. I did not say much in the moment out of pure shock and instead steered the conversation elsewhere while I quietly boiled over in anger over this comment.
Here is where the title of this post comes into play and where my role in this interaction enters a grey area. I spent several days unable to let this anger subside while imagining my own perspective children being thrown to the streets for bravely coming out to their own parents. I decided that another intervention was necessary, except this time I didn't want to be ignored. I came up with a plan that I referred to as a "scorched earth" intervention. Over the course of an evening, I began texting, calling, or messaging almost every person that Anne was close to. This included family, friends, past friends, classmates, and even some plain old acquaintances. I needed her paranoid and hateful beliefs to be confronted by more than just myself and hoped that if everyone important to her also expressed concern; that she would separate herself from this church and seek proper mental health counseling.
The responses I received from Anne's friends and family ranged significantly. Some people, including her mother whom I was close with, asked that I not try to "insert myself between Anne and God". Some friends agreed with me wholeheartedly and would reach out to Anne over text or in person to try and offer help. Some people met me with total apathy. Unsurprisingly, once Anne found out what I did, she broke things off over a brief but highly emotional phone call. She told me that I had embarrassed her and that supposedly God was telling her I wasn't the man she was supposed to marry. It did not hurt too bad since I was anticipating the end of this relationship for a while. The effects of my approach seemingly had lasting impacts on many of her relationships, however. At least one longtime friendship had ended because the friend was appalled by Anne's new paranoid beliefs. It was also unsuccessful, as Anne would never seek mental health counseling. In fact, it probably pushed her further into her church crowd - only further bolstering her new delusions.
Since much time has passed, I have started to feel uncertain whether or not I did the right thing in trying to have all of Anne's friends and family confront her about her extreme beliefs. At the time, I felt that I was justified and doing the right thing by trying to encourage a clearly delusion person to seek mental health counseling by any means necessary. Now, I am able to realize that I acted out of anger and permanently damaged how some of her oldest friends view her. I also realize that I acted immaturely and probably should not have tried to bring in every person close to Anne to fight a battle on my behalf.
Nowadays, Anne is still with that church and regularly posts on Facebook all sorts of whacky spiritual conspiracies. She is still very clearly paranoid and delusional all while putting on a facade of normalcy. I just pity her for living in a constant state of paranoia at this point. She even works full time with the church as a "worship leader," although I am not sure what exactly that means. She actually got married about a year after the relationship ended to a man she met at her church. They met, got engaged, and married all within 12 months. Thankfully, no children have been brought into this world yet from their relationship, which is surprising to me considering how urgent it seemed to her during our relationship. I do not hear much from any friends or family of hers anymore, other than one mutual friend who told me that Anne frequently refers to me as "that demon." As for myself, I finished school and have not married but was able to finally make friends and go on dates and my future is looking bright.
So, Reddit, am I the asshole for my "scorched earth" methods towards my fanatical ex-girlfriend?