Hi everyone!
I live in Europe and been having a bit of lonely run lately, looking for someone for daily chats and nice connection. You know, that good old “check this meme” or “yo, I need to talk to someone about this”. So so so hard to find those nowadays!! I’m open to any age and gender.
I’m a regular millennial I guess. Into movies, traveling etc. I love music of all tastes, but more into metal nowadays. I play guitar and collect a bunch of them, love my gear to death. I also love traveling and been doing it as much as I can whenever I can. Seeing new places and learning new things is amazing and I’d love to share those experiences!
I promise no zero effort responses, no ghosting and also the best cheering up you could get from a friend! Not in a rush too, let’s just connect at our pace and see how it goes 😀
Don’t be shy, drop a DM and we go from there :)

I am grateful to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva for offering me this precious opportunity to share my experience of practising Buddhism with you.
I am 62 years old. Today, I can eat, sleep and walk like a normal person. However, did you know that I once was a paralyzed woman who could not even get up from bed, had difficulty turning over, and could not take care of myself? Through practising Buddhism and reciting Buddhist scriptures, I have completely freed myself from the misery of hell. I want to tell you with hard facts that practising Buddhism and reciting the scriptures has not only given me a second life, but has also benefited me immensely. I want to share with you how I transformed myself from paralysis to health within four years without undergoing any surgery! May my presentation plant the seeds of bodhi in your hearts, so that more people will have faith in Guan Yin Bodhisattva who has boundless supernatural power, and recite Buddhist scriptures as soon as possible to be free from suffering and gain happiness!
1. When I was young, I opened two bars so I created bad karma, and karmic retribution is right on my heels!
I am the eldest daughter of my family and the eldest daughter-in-law of my in-laws family. Both my mother and mother-in-law are Buddhist practitioners and urged me to practise Buddhism as well. However, because of my youthful ambition and good fortune, at the age of about 36, I ran two bars and enjoyed the pleasure of earning money, not bothering to practise Buddhism at all. By then, I was young and foolish, in the bars I gained filthy money by means of woman’s charms, which invariably created a lot of bad karma. How many people lost their morals and conscience for my sake of monetary gain? How many families have been broken up behind the scenes? How many people have done many things against ethics and morality under the paralysis of alcohol? I hereby express my deepest repentance to Guan Yin Bodhisattva! Karmic retribution is inescapable. I planted the evil cause so I reap the evil effect. The bad karma I created within two years of running the bars has brought me a tragic retribution 13 years later! (So, dear fellow practitioners, please take this as a warning!)
In 2010, I was 49, my predestined 369 calamity arrived. One day in July, my karma exploded. I suddenly collapsed at home kitchen while stirring frying vegetables. In an instant, I felt that the sky was falling, and I had nowhere to turn for help. An otherwise healthy me entered a life of hell on earth from then on. Every day, I ate, drank, pooped and peed in bed, had difficulty turning over, couldn't wash my hands and face, had trouble swallowing, so it was worse than death. I was paralyzed in bed from then on. The doctor said I had a herniated disc in my lower back. All the bones in my back were misaligned. Both knee bones were necrotic and so swollen. I have visited all the local city and provincial hospitals, big and small, to seek medical care. I almost spent all the several hundreds of thousands of RMB I had gained from my bar business. However, the condition got worse and worse.
2. Since encountering the excellent Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, I have been practicing Buddhism hard to overcome any obstacles on the way and finally achieved a new life.
Perhaps it was the blessing from my family members who had been making offerings to the Buddha and practising Buddhism for years. Thanks to the mercy of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, I finally encountered the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door in 2012 when I was in the most desperate situation in my life. The person next door to my bar heard that I was sick and came to see me. She brought me Buddhist scripture, recitation device, Buddhism in Plain Terms, counters and many other Dharma gems. She told me the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door was very efficacious, and asked me to try it. Although I could not move on bed, I listened all Master Lu's recordings like a thirst. I was pleasantly surprised to hear cases of patients who had been cured of cancer and serious illnesses by practising Buddhism and reciting the scriptures. The recordings of Master Lu's programs were like a bright beacon in the darkness, bringing me hope for life and giving me great encouragement. I felt I was awakened by a powerful energy, stirring up my strong desire to live. I told myself: I must survive; I must save myself! I started to practice Buddhism and recite scriptures as if I had grabbed a lifeline.
I am illiterate, so I had to lie in bed every day and learn to recite word by word with the recitation device. Due to the heavy karma, there was no virtuous and the high-minded practitioner around to teach me how to burn the Little Houses in a rational and lawful way. I foolishly took an ashtray instead of a plate to burn the Little Houses, which resulted in the ashtray blowing up. In order to eliminate karma quickly, I was foolishly reciting the Heart Sutra and Amitabha Pure Land Rebirth Mantra after ten o'clock at night, which resulted in the light bulbs breaking several times (Here, I sincerely remind my fellow practitioners: Master Lu enlightened us not to recite the Heart Sutra and Amitabha Pure Land Rebirth Mantra after ten o'clock at night. Please make sure to read the Introduction to Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door carefully in order to avoid practising Buddhism irrationally). Therefore, we must follow the instructions of Master Lu, and never do what the Master does not allow us to do. The whole process of reciting Buddhist scriptures to eliminate karma is very bumpy. It is really easy to create karma, but very hard to eliminate it! However, I firmly believed that the Bodhisattva is infinitely powerful. As long as I diligently practised Buddhism, my fate would definitely get changed. Hence, I relied on the blissful cases in Master Lu's recordings as my spiritual support. I kept persevering, not afraid of any difficulties, and recklessly recited Buddhist scriptures.
Since I ate, drank and pooped in bed, my aura was very bad. As I could not get up by myself, so I had to lie in bed to recite the sacred Buddhist scriptures. I felt guilty and torn, wondering if this was the appropriate way to recite the sacred Buddhist scriptures. Will it affect the effect of the recitation? Gratitude to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for Her compassion, and I dreamed of Master Lu that night. Master Lu who was dressed in a black suit smiled at me and kindly comforted me: “don't worry.” After I woke up, I was very grateful for Master Lu's compassion. Master Lu knew about my special situation, so this is a sympathy and a condolence to me. After I recited Buddhist scriptures 4 to 5 months late, my neck and head were able to turn significantly. Such a Dharma blissful change thrilled me. All the trials and perseverance I had gone through in the past had not been in vain. Guan Yin Bodhisattva has boundless supernatural power, which had given me a glimmer of hope for recovery! (Here, I sincerely remind my fellow practitioners: In the absence of illness, recitation of Buddhist scriptures must be respectful. A point of respect harvests a point of benefit.)
3. The unique characteristics of attending the Dharma conference and formally acknowledging Jun Hong Lu as my master allow my physical health to improve with Dharma joy
In February 2017, I befriended a fellow practitioner. She invited me to attend the Macau Dharma Convention together. I thought to myself: “can I take the bus by myself?” “Can I attend the conference?” With a strong faith from my inner heart, I attended the conference via keeping reciting the Great Compassion Mantra on the trip. Unbelievably, I arrived at the conference as I wished with the blessing and protection of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, although my bulky legs could only barely support my body in the seat. I was in tears when I listened Master Lu's wise words and saw the holy icon of Guan Yin Bodhisattva. On the night of the conference, I dreamed of Guan Yin Bodhisattva! Gratitude to Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva for saving me from suffering and giving me a new life. At the end of the Macau Dharma Convention, I instantly made two vows: to be a vegetarian for 15 days per month and liberate 10,000 fish.
Before I attended the Macau Dharma Convention, I had to take a break whenever I walked two steps, and my body was not able to move much. After returning, my legs started to become strong enough to support my body and I could walk on flat ground. Despite they were not very flexible, they were no longer the same as when I was paralyzed like a limp in bed. My whole body is getting better and better in essence, vital energy, and spirit. I was very surprised! Master Lu has enlightened that there are many Buddhas and Bodhisattvas coming to bless attendees at each Dharma conference!
In August 2017, before the Dharma Convention in Malaysia, my fellow practitioners urged me to formally acknowledge Jun Hong Lu as my master. Since I am an illiterate, compassionate fellow practitioners helped me to fill out the application form of seeking discipleship. My fellow practitioners told me that there were so many people wanted to formally acknowledge Jun Hong Lu as their master that I might not be able to reach my wish this time. Then, I had to wait for the opportunity next Dharma Convention. I told myself that whether I could reach my wish or not this time, I would actively participate in Master Lu’s Dharma Convention. Considering my age, it is a blessing for me to attend one more Dharma Convention. To my surprise, one week later, my application for seeking discipleship was approved. Gratitude to Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
On the day of seeking discipleship, I was very excited. During the process of seeking discipleship, I heard a voice in stereo that was very loud. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see Tathagata Buddha, and many other Bodhisattvas coming down from heaven. At that moment, I saw that the upper half of Master Lu's Dharmakaya appeared transparent with a huge lotus flower. I was suddenly moved to tears. I was oblivious to the fact that Master Lu had come to my side until the time of issuing the discipleship certificate. Master Lu was very compassionate and empowered me with blessing. Master Lu enlightened, "Because five people opened their eyes during the worship ceremony, they have no lotuses planted in the pure land. But it's okay, when the ceremony is over, you can go to the front and kowtow to ask the Bodhisattva (to plant a lotus)." I then rushed to the front to worship. Before I finished worshiping Bodhisattva, a young fellow practitioner came over. He asked, "How do you feel? Did you see anything?" I said, "I saw Tathagata Buddha." He asked, "How are you sure that was Tathagata Buddha?" I said, "Both my mother and mother-in-law are Buddhist disciples, and Tathagata Buddha has curly hair."
I was grateful for the compassionate blessing from Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu. When I returned home after seeking discipleship, I made two vows: to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life and never kill (animals). The power of a vow outweighs the force of karma. After I made the vows, Master Lu’s Dharmakaya came to help me heal my legs in my dreams. Once, I saw Master Lu’s Dharmakaya passing by my room while I was half-squinted. Master Lu asked me, "Which foot is uncomfortable? Where is aching?" Instantly I woke up and then I found that my feet didn't feel as heavy as they used to be and I walked more lightly. I excitedly shared the news with my old father, "Master Lu has come to bless me again!" I am grateful to Master Lu for his compassionate care for every sentient being. Every time I dreamed of Master Lu, he would always compassionately endow me with abundance of blessing, and I was always surprised by the improvement in my health.
In a short time, I could not only separate my feet and take turns to walk up and down the stairs independently. Moreover, I could bend back and forth freely with my arms crossed. The bones in my back, which were all misaligned and uneven, were now completely normal again. Previously, I couldn't raise my hands to wash my face, brush my teeth or comb my hair because the bones in my back would pull the nerves and cause severe pain when I raised my hands. In those days, whenever I sneezed or defecated, I felt like to cheat death on pain. In those hellish day I went through unimaginable pain and suffering. Now, however, I can take care of myself completely and move around freely. Sometimes I get a little tired after walking for too long, but I can recover after 10 minutes of rest in bed. Although it is still slightly bumpy while I was walking, if you don't look closely, you can't see it. My family was overwhelmed to see the dramatic change from being paralyzed and bedridden to walking independently since I practised Buddhism. My old father, who was taking care of me at the bedside, complimented me straight away: you have completely changed, becoming healthier and healthier now! I was so excited that I had tears in my eyes. Without the rescue of Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, I really wouldn't have the blissful transformation I have today!
In 2019, at the Dharma conferences of Indonesia and Singapore, I pleaded with my fellow practitioners to be merciful to give me the opportunity to volunteer. According to the rules of the Dharma conference, I was already overage. However, I was adamant that I must do volunteer work. Guan Yin Bodhisattva has given me a second life, so I have to serve all sentient beings physically. I am grateful for Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva who helped me out. When I came back from the conferences, I found that I could bend and squat easily and freely, and I had no problem even sitting on the floor. I am grateful to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for compassionately helping me to eliminate my karma at every conference, so that I can obtain incredible blessings and improvement occur every time.
4. The incredible blessing of setting up the Buddhist altar accelerated my health recovery and created a medical miracle.
From the time I set up the Buddhist altar in 2017, I insisted on offering Bodhisattvas incenses morning and evening every day. At first, the body was still straight and could not bend and bow. For two years, in front of the Buddhist altar, I prayed for Bodhisattvas to bless me so that I could recover my health a little better so I can use my own experience as an example to convince sentient beings to gain faith on Dharma and practise Dharma. Gradually, I was able to stand to offer incense to Bodhisattvas, to bend and bow, and finally to kneel in front of the Buddhist altar to recite the scriptures. I was full of Dharma joy! Initially, my back still hurt from kneeling. With the karmic obstacles being removed, my back didn't hurt anymore. Sometimes when I went out with fellow practitioners to set up the Buddhist altar, particularly on the Buddha's Birthday, I could kneel to recite the Eighty-eight Buddhas Great Repentance for an hour and a half. My fellow practitioners couldn't keep it up, so I was the only one who kept it up until the end. I am so grateful to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for Her compassionate blessing!
At one time, the doctor at the provincial hospital told me that I had to have surgery to put two steel plates into the bone, but I refused. Because I firmly believe that with the of blessings of Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, I am afraid of nothing. Buddha is an extraordinary doctor. The only way to recover completely is to repent sincerely and practise Buddhism. I can now move as freely as a normal person. This medical miracle achieved was completely relied on practising Buddhism, reciting scriptures, being a vegetarian, helping new practitioners to set up Buddhist altars, volunteering at Dharma conferences, and actively propagating the Dharma. To improve my family economic financial, I went out to work on construction sites as a helper, do cleaning and housekeeping!
Those patients who were once slightly paralyzed did not recover as quickly and well as I did, even with surgery.
Dear readers, when you see such a dramatic change in me, what are you hesitating for? Hurry up and pick up the Buddhist scriptures to recite! I am the living example, the ironclad evidence. Guan Yin Bodhisattva does exist, and She is Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate, answers any prayers.
Thinking of the bad karma I created in the two bars when I was young, I feel grievously sinful. I have earned ill-gotten wealth, but the karma was produced, and karmic retribution is inescapable. If one hasn't been retributed, the time hasn't come yet. After I got old, all the retribution came to me. Not only did I use up all my money, but I also had to suffer from physical illness and paralysis. I advise everyone to remember Master Lu's enlightenment: Do not do anything that is evil; Do not fail to do good no matter how petty the deed; Do not engage in evil no matter how trivial the deed. Dear readers, please consider it carefully before earning any money, and don’t commit such deep sins as I did for the sake of monetary gain, or else the consequences will follow you!
Without the merciful salvation and blessings of Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, I would not have been reborn today! I made a few great wows: honour the teacher and respect his teachings, live an ascetic life for lifetime, be a vegetarian lifetime, not kill, not eat eggs, not smoke, not drink; transcend the cycle of rebirth for good and attain enlightenment in one lifetime. In this life, I will follow Guan Yin Bodhisattva to cultivate my mind and change my behaviour and never quit. I will follow my benefactor, the Compassionate father, Master Lu, to propagate Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door and never stop! Although I am over 60 years, I will continue using my own experience as an example to convince sentient beings to gain faith on Dharma and practise Buddhism. Together with my fellow practitioners, I will get up early and go home late to help set up Buddha altars for new practitioners. No matter how far and how difficult the trip is, I will always be strict with myself. I will go wherever I am needed. Even if I am eating, as soon as I receive a mission for propagating Dharma, I will put down my chopsticks and set off without delay.
Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door is peerlessly efficacious, and Guan Yin Bodhisattva is Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate, saves beings from suffering, has supernatural power, and answer all prayers. As long as we have a devout heart and we persist in reciting Buddhist scriptures and practicing Buddhism, no difficulty can defeat us! My physical changes are the most powerful evidence! May my true presentation give some inspiration to those people who are still suffering from illnesses, so that they can acquire faith to practising Buddhism, and pick up the Buddhist scriptures to recite. May more sentient beings having affinity with Buddha break free from delusion and attain enlightenment, balance egoism and altruism, and free from suffering and gain happiness.
My deepest gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
My deepest gratitude to all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas from ten directions and three periods of time!
My deepest gratitude to the Dharma protectors!
My deepest gratitude to the selfless and altruistic Master Jun Hong Lu!
If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the truth in the presentation, I’d like to seek forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors, and Master Jun Hong Lu.
I’d also like to seek forgiveness from my fellow Buddhist practitioners.
I, not my fellow practitioners, will be responsible for my own karma!
Shared by: Dharma Practitioner Ganen, Gratitude and Namaste!
Translated by: Frank
Statement by Translator

1. Story was translated from Chinese into English by meaning, not word by word. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the true meaning of the Chinese version, I’d like to seek forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
   
2. Author Ganen was interviewed by Frank during the translation for the detailed information.
   

Propagation
It would be greatly appreciated if you would forward this presentation to all sentient beings you know, sick or healthy. You will accumulate immeasurable merits and virtues. Saving a life is more meritorious than building a seven-floor pagoda!
Would you like to change your destiny?
We will show you how to do the Five Golden Buddhist Practices of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door: (1) making vows, (2) reciting Buddhist scriptures (sutras and mantras), (3) performing life liberation, (4) reading Buddhism in Plain Terms, and (5) repenting. You will personally witness how you and your family can achieve physical and mental stability, relief from illness and grievances, wisdom growth, academic progress, career advancement, and family happiness through Dharma. It’s free of charge.
Contact
Buddhist practitioner: Lily
Email: [sunnypurplelily@gmail.com](mailto:sunnypurplelily@gmail.com)
WeChat: HanJing20210820
原文如下:
从瘫痪卧床到行走自如做家政，心灵法门创造了医学奇迹
感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨摩诃萨！
感恩十方三世一切诸佛菩萨！
感恩龙天护法金刚菩萨！
感恩恩师慈父卢军宏台长！
感恩师兄们！
感恩大慈大悲观世音菩萨慈悲，让我能有这个宝贵的机会与大家分享我的学佛经历。我今年62岁，现在是一个能吃、能睡、能走路的正常人了。但是，你们可曾知道，曾经，我是一个连床都起不了、翻身都困难，生活完全无法自理的瘫痪老人！如今，通过学佛念经，我把自己从地狱的苦海里完全挣脱了出来。我要用铁一般的事实告诉大家：学佛念经不仅给了我第二次生命，更让我受益无穷。我要跟大家分享，在这患病的四年里，在没有经历任何手术的情况下，如何让自己从瘫痪到健康的蜕变！愿我今天的分享给有缘人种下菩提种子，让更多的人相信观世音菩萨法力无边，早日学佛念经，离苦得乐！
1. 年轻时开酒吧造恶业，得现世报！
我是家中的长女、婆家的长媳。母亲和婆婆都是学佛人，都劝我也学佛。但是，由于年轻时好胜心强，加之财运不错，36岁左右，我经营两家酒吧，享受挣钱的快乐，根本无心学佛。年轻愚痴的我经营酒吧时靠女色来赚取黑钱，赚的都是不正之财，无形中造了很多恶业。在这种灯红酒绿中生活，我为了金钱利益，让多少人丧失了自己的道德与良知？背后又造成多少个家庭的破裂？又有多少人在酒精的麻痹下做出多少违背伦理道德的事情？弟子在此向观世音菩萨深深忏悔！因果报应丝毫不爽，种恶因得恶果。开酒吧这两年中我所造下的恶业，在十几年后让我得到悲惨的现世报！所以，请大家引以为戒！
2010年我49岁，正逢“三六九”关劫。7月的一天，我的业障大爆发，在家炒菜时突然间倒下。瞬间，我感觉天塌下来，叫天天不应，叫地地不灵。一个原本健康的我从此进入人间地狱般的生活。每天，我吃喝拉撒都在床上，翻身都很困难，没法自己洗手洗脸，吞咽困难，简直生不如死。我从此瘫痪在床。医生说我是腰椎间盘突出。后背的所有骨头都错位。两个膝盖骨头坏死，肿得很大。当地市里、省里大大小小的医院我都看过了。我几乎把我做酒吧生意所赚到的几十万块钱都花光了。然而，病情越来越严重。
2. 得遇殊胜法门，坎坷学佛路中坚持不懈地修行换来重生
也许是家人一直供佛学佛的福德。承蒙观世音菩萨慈悲，在我人生绝境之时，我终于在2012年得遇心灵法门。以前我开店隔壁的人听说我病倒了，就来看我。她给我送来了经书、念佛机、《白话佛法》、计数器等很多法宝。她告诉我心灵法门很灵验，让我试试。我躺在床上虽然无法动弹，却如饥似渴地把师父的录音听了个遍。听到人们通过学佛念经把癌症、重症都治愈的案例，我惊喜万分。师父的节目录音就像黑暗中的一盏明灯，让我看到了生活的希望，给了我很大的鼓舞。在这个过程中我像被一股强大的能量加持唤醒，激起了求生的强烈欲望。我告诉自己：我一定要活过来；我一定要自己救自己！我像抓住了救命稻草似地开始拼命学佛念经。
我不识字，只能每天躺在床上跟着念佛机一字一句地学着念。由于业力牵引，身边没有遇到善知识教我如理如法地烧送小房子。愚痴的我曾拿个烟灰缸代替盘子烧送经文组合小房子，结果烟灰缸炸掉了。为了抓紧时间消业，我晚上十点后还在念《心经》和《往生咒》，结果家里的灯坏了好几次（趁此机会我诚心提醒师兄们：师父开示，晚上十点后不要念诵《心经》和《往生咒》，请师兄们一定要好好看《心灵法门入门手册》，避免操作不如理不如法）。所以，我们一定要听师父的话，师父不让做的就不做。念经消业的整个过程非常坎坷。真是造业容易，消业难啊！但是，我坚信菩萨法力无边，只要精进努力，一定会得到改变的。于是，我依靠师父录音中的法喜案例作为精神支撑。我一直坚持不懈，不怕万难，拼命念经。
由于吃喝拉撒都在床上，气场非常不好，自己又无法起身，只能躺在床上念经。我内心愧疚又纠结，不知道这样念经是否如理如法？会不会影响念经效果？感恩菩萨慈悲，当晚我就梦见师父了。师父身穿着黑西装，一边慈祥地笑着一边安慰我：不要担心。醒来后，我非常感恩师父的慈悲。师父知道我的特殊情况，这是对我的宽容和安慰啊。后来，大概念经差不多4～5个月后，我的脖子和头也能明显地转动了。这样法喜的变化，让我激动万分。我过去所经历的磨难与坚持都没有白费。观世音菩萨法力无边，让我看到了康复的一丝希望！（作者提醒：师兄们，在没有病痛的情况下，念经一定要体态恭敬，一分恭敬一分受益。）
3. 参加法会与拜师的殊胜，让我的身体不断法喜蜕变
2017年2月份，我结识了一位师兄。她邀请我一起去参加澳门法会。我心想：我能自己坐车吗？能去法会吗？凭着内心坚定的信念，路途中我一直念《大悲咒》。虽然我笨重的双腿只能勉强支撑着身体坐在座位上，但在观世音菩萨一路加持护佑下，我竟然能够如愿到了法会现场。现场听到师父开示、看到观世音菩萨的圣像，我泪如雨下。大法会当天晚上，我就梦到了观世音菩萨！感恩大慈大悲救苦救难观世音菩萨救我于苦海，给了我新的生命和生活。澳门法会结束，我当即发愿：一个月吃素15天，放生一万条鱼。参加澳门法会前，只要走两步路我就要歇一歇，而且我的身体没办法大幅度活动。
澳门法会回来后，我的双腿开始变得有力，可以支撑起身子在平地上走路了。虽然还不是很灵活，但是比起原来像软泥一样瘫痪在床的状态，已经不可同年而语了。我整个人精、气、神也越来越好。我非常惊喜！师父开示过，每场法会有很多佛菩萨来加持大家！
2017年8月，马来西亚法会前，师兄们让我拜师，但我不识字。慈悲的师兄们帮助我代笔填写拜师申请表。师兄们告诉我，这次拜师的人太多，有可能排不上队，得等到下一场法会才有机会。我告诉自己，无论这次能不能拜师，我都一定积极参加师父的法会。我这么大年纪了，能参加多一场法会都是我的福报啊。让我惊喜的是，一个星期后，我的拜师申请通过了。感恩观世音菩萨慈悲！
拜师当天，我激动万分。在拜师过程中，我听到一个非常立体、非常响亮的声音。我睁开眼睛时，我竟然看到了如来佛祖，还有好多菩萨都从天上下来了。这时，我看到师父上半身的法身呈现透明状，有一朵大大的莲花。我顿时感动得泪如雨下。直到颁发弟子证的时候，我浑然不觉师父已经走到我的身边。师父非常慈悲，给我灌顶加持。师父说:“因为拜师过程中有5个人睁开了眼睛，所以莲花没有种上去。不过没关系，等拜师仪式结束后，可以到前面去磕头求菩萨。”我就赶紧跑到前面去拜。我还没拜完，就过来了一个年轻师兄。他问我：“您感觉怎么样？有没有看到什么？” 我告诉他：“我看到如来佛祖了。” 他说：“您怎么确定那是如来佛祖呢？”我说：”我家母和家婆是学佛人，如来佛祖头发卷卷的。”
感恩观世音菩萨与师父的慈悲加持。拜师结束回家我就发愿: 终生吃全素，不杀生。真是愿力大于业力，发愿后，师父又来梦里帮我治疗双腿。有一次，我半眯着眼睛看到师父从我的房间经过。师父问我：“还有哪只脚不舒服？还有哪个地方疼痛的？” 瞬间我就醒了，醒来我发现我的双脚没有了原来的沉重感，走起路来更加轻盈了。我激动地跟老父亲分享：“师父又来加持我啦！”感恩师父慈悲关怀着每一位众生。每次梦见师父，师父都慈悲给予加持，我的身体总会有惊喜的好转。
没过多久，我不仅可以分开双脚，轮流迈开步伐独立上下楼梯。而且，我双手叉腰，可以前后自如地弯腰。后背的骨头原本因为全部错位并高低不平，如今完全恢复正常了。原本我没办法把手举起来洗脸、刷牙和梳头，因为手一抬，后背的骨头扯神经会导致剧烈的疼痛。每次打喷嚏或排泄的时候，都有种痛不欲生的感觉，就像死里逃生一样。这种地狱般的日子让我历经常人难以想象的苦痛折磨。然而现在，我的生活可以完全自理并且行动自如。有时候走太久会有一点点累，但是卧床休息十几分钟就可以恢复过来。虽然走路还有一点点高低现象，但如果不仔细看，是看不出来的。看到我学佛念经以来，从瘫痪卧床到独立行走的巨大变化，我的家人无比震惊。当年在床头边照顾我的老父亲直夸我：现在整个人完全变了，变得越来越健康了！我激动得泪眼婆娑。没有观世音菩萨与师父的大慈大悲救苦救难，真的不会有我今天的法喜蜕变！
2019年印尼法会和新加坡法会上，我恳请师兄们慈悲给我做义工的机会。按照法会规定，我已经超龄了。但是，我坚决一定要做义工。观世音菩萨给了我第二次生命，我就要身体力行地为众生服务。感恩观世音菩萨的慈悲，让我能如愿以偿。从法会做完义工回来，我发现我可以轻松自如地弯腰和下蹲，就连坐在地板上也没有问题了。感恩菩萨每次法会上都慈悲帮我消业，让我每次都能有不可思议的加持，变化。
4. 设佛台的不可思议加持，加速我身体恢复健康，创造医学奇迹
从2017年设佛台起，我每天坚持上早晚香。起初，身体还是直直的，不能弯腰鞠躬。两年里，我每天在佛台前上香求菩萨加持，让我身体能恢复得更好一些，能为众生表法。慢慢地，我从站着上香到弯腰鞠躬，到最后可以跪在佛台前念经。真是法喜充满啊！刚开始跪着后背还是很痛。随着业障的消除，我的后背也不疼痛了。有时候和师兄们出去设佛台，遇到佛诞日，我跪着念诵《礼佛大忏悔文》足足有一个半小时的时间。许多师兄都坚持不下来，唯独我坚持到结束。真是感恩菩萨慈悲加持！
曾经，省医院的医生告诉我，必须做手术把两块钢板放进骨头里，但我回绝了。因为我坚信有观世音菩萨和师父两座靠山，我什么都不怕。在因果面前，佛是大药王。唯有诚心忏悔，学佛修行才能彻底康复。我完全靠学佛念经吃素、设佛台、参加法会做义工，积极弘法度人，才创造了医学奇迹：现在和正常人一样行动自如。我甚至去工地做小工，搞卫生、做家政弥补家用！那些曾经轻微瘫痪的患者就算做手术，也没有我恢复得快，恢复到如此好的状态。
读者朋友们，你们看到我如此天翻地覆的变化，还犹豫什么呢？赶快捧起经书念经吧！我就是活生生的例子，铁一般的证据。观世音菩萨真实存在，并且大慈大悲有求必应啊！
现在回想起年轻时开酒吧所造下的恶业，真是罪孽深重。不正之财赚到了，可是，因果报应丝毫不爽，不是不报，时候未到。在我人到老年时，所有的报应一涌而来。不但钱财全部用尽，还要遭受肉体病痛的瘫痪之苦，因果不空啊！奉劝大家一定要谨记师父的教诲：诸恶莫作，众善奉行！不以善小而不为；不以恶小而为之！挣任何钱财之前都要三思，切记不可为了金钱利益而像我一样造下如此深重的罪孽，否则果报如影随形！
没有观世音菩萨和师父的慈悲救度与加持，就没有我今天的重生！弟子许愿尊师重道、一生清修、终生吃全素、不杀生、不吃鸡蛋、不抽烟、不喝酒；一世修成，永断轮回。今生跟着观世音菩萨修心修行，永不退转。跟着恩师慈父卢军宏台长弘扬心灵法门永不停息！我虽然60多岁了，但是我要身体力行地为大家表法，起早贪黑地和共修组师兄们一起去助缘设佛台。无论路程多么遥远，多么艰辛，我都严格要求自己。哪里需要我，我就走到哪里。哪怕我在吃饭，只要接到弘法任务，我一定当即放下筷子，一刻也不能耽误地出发。
心灵法门灵验无比，观世音菩萨大慈大悲，救苦救难，法力无边，有求必应。只要我们有一颗虔诚的心，只要我们坚持念经修行，没有什么困难可以打倒我们！我的身体变化就是最有力的证据！愿我的真实分享给那些还在受着病痛折磨的人们一些启发，让大家生起学佛念经的信念，捧起经书念经，愿更多的有缘众生能够早日破迷开悟，自利利他，离苦得乐！
我的分享结束了，分享中如有不如理不如法的地方，请观世音菩萨慈悲原谅！请十方三世一切诸佛菩萨和龙天护法菩萨慈悲原谅！请师父慈悲原谅！请师兄们批评指正！我自己的业障自己背，不让师兄们背！感恩合十！
分享人：感恩～全素
2022-02-28
请将本文慈悲转发给瘫痪病人及其家属
请转发这篇文章给瘫痪病人及其家属，您会积累无量功德。救人一命，胜造七级浮屠！！！
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Here is the recap of the 11 monetized posts from Kylea G Weight loss Journey on 05/18/24.
"Greed is a never-ending hunger, that drives people to sacrifice morals and values for personal gain." -Unknown
⚠️ Compulsive Buying Disorder (CBD), aka shopping addiction, Disordered Eating, Gaslighting, Grief, Illness, Infertility, TTC (trying to conceive) Community, and Religion will be discussed.
Disclaimers: I am not a physician, influencer, or paid content creator. I am not affiliated with WW. I am semi-retired from the healthcare field with multiple college degrees. These opinions are my own based on social media content. I wish no harm to Kylea or Joseph "Joe" Gomez.
☎️ If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, please call or text 988 for assistance.
Behind the Scenes Family Update: Kylea Gomez has been exploiting a life-changing medical diagnosis of a close relative (without their permission and against their wishes) to internet strangers in social media messages. She has claimed that she is supporting this relative (which is a lie) to justify her work ethic, productivity, and even basic hygiene issues. Let that sink in for a moment...
To this relative: You, your family, and medical team are in my prayers. ✝️
To Kylea's Biological Parents: Your daughter disparages your name and relationship for personal and financial gain frequently. No concert, trip, or gift provided to you with money obtained under (allegedly) false and deceptive pretenses justifies Kylea's disturbing behaviors. Stop enabling her.
California Clarification: Kylea was rejected by a Cavapoo breeder from adopting the Original Birdie (OB) during her California trip. I am thankful to the breeders of OB for making a tough decision in the best interest of the puppy. For me, this seals the deal that Kylea falsified details of this California trip, and rushed home to find Backup Birdie (BB) who is the focus of today's content.
The tagline of Kylea G Weight loss Journey is, "I changed my entire life with prayer and a playlist of songs. No surgery, no meds. Just Jesus."
DAILY STATS: 05/18/24
0/11 posts discussed prayer
0/11 posts discussed music
0/11 posts discussed exercise
3/11 posts discussed a recipe
1/11 posts was about takeout "coffee" at 5am
7/11 posts were about Birdie Mae 🐶
📢 For our friends at Meta, that means 63% of Kylea's monetized content had nothing to do with weight loss, which is the tagline and purpose of her page. Her weight loss journey ended July 2023 per her content. Why do you continue to pay her for non-weight loss content?
⚠️ Disordered Eating- Daily WW Points Used (Data compiled from monetized content):
1 WW Point: Crazy Llama "coffee" with almond milk, sugar-free vanilla, sugar-free peppermint, and sugar-free white chocolate
3 WW Points: Taco Soup with 12 Trader Joe's Rolled Corn Chili & Lime flavored Tortilla Chips
📢 For our friends at Meta, Kylea consumed 4 WW points out of (up to) 30 daily WW points= SEVERE disordered eating. This messaging is deadly for those on a weight loss journey. Follow your policies and take action.
Recipes Shared: 1. Taco Soup: 🚨 This recipe has dangerous sodium levels. Please know your daily sodium recommendations before making this recipe. 🚨

1. Taco Rice Bowls: The soup is drained and added to 1 minute jalapeño rice with cheese. 🚨 The sodium alert is the same as above. 🚨

☎️ Please speak with a medical professional about any questions or concerns you have about your health.
Comments: To the animal lovers, I am sending you good vibes to get through this nonsense. Here we go...

1. Coffee at 5am: Kylea and Joe are pictured in their vehicle outside Crazy Llama Coffee with the sun shining bright. Kylea claims she was home at 5 am and Joe took her right away to get her "favorite coffee."

⏸️ The sun rises in Joplin after 6am. Why lie? ⏸️ Her facial sunburn that disappeared yesterday is back today. How did that happen? ⏸️ Kylea claims she does not have cravings or temptations. However, she is addicted to sweet. Her "coffee" is beige colored at best and she needed it right away...

1. Backup Birdie Part 1: Her airline approved pet travel accessory backpack is shown in the vehicle. "All my dog mom dreams are coming true today 💖 🐶"
   
2. Backup Birdie Part 2: "My heart is so full!!! 💖 🐶 I got the cuddliest, cutest, sweetest girl. 😭 I cried when I met my puppy for the first time because I love her so much already!!"
   

⏸️ Kylea's followers immediately started asking to see pictures and were told they needed to wait until after Kylea's family met her first. HoWeVeR, some influencers (bestie Drue Basham, Drue's SIL Sierra, Brittany Bryant, etc.) got to see her first and comment from their influencer accounts about Birdie. I'm sorry loyal top fans and followers, possible cross-engagement from "trusted" influencers is more important than respecting your loyalty. Welcome inside the mind of a 🐈 🐟 er. Always trying to boost engagement, the algorithm, and gain new followers...

1. Taco Soup Recipe: 🚨 This sodium monstrosity has canned beans, jarred salsa, enchilada sauce, rotel, roasted corn, a ranch seasoning packet, a taco seasoning packet, fresh chicken, and water. 😲
   
2. Backup Birdie Part 3: "Welcome home 🏠 to our forever girl 🎀 Birdie Mae 🐶 She's already following Joseph and I around and has brought us so much joy. 🌈 🎀"
   

⏸️ The puppy shown does not appear to be a Cavapoo and Kylea refuses to answer follower questions about her breed. Remember, Birdie was not supposed to come home until May 20th, then May 19th.
To all individuals in the TTC Community, I know the 🌈 is a powerful symbol for you. I have experienced pregnancy loss and fertility care. My heart hurts for anyone triggered by the language Kylea uses and humanizing pets in reference to pregnancy loss. 🙏

1. Backup Birdie Part 4: "The moment I held her, I just knew she was meant for me.🎀 🐶 She loves all of the cuddles which is good because I do too. 💖"

⏸️ Not one reference of her "sweet boy" Oliver or Alice. Where are the cats? BB is asleep on Kylea.

1. Taco Soup Part 2: 🚨 Since it wasn't salty enough, why not put some chili & lime tortilla chips on top? Chef's 💋. Kylea held the bowl, showing her barefoot on the floor. I did NOT miss her feet content. 🤢
   
2. Backup Birdie Part 5: "We already love her so much 🎀 💖" BB is asleep in a fuzzy blanket on her puppy bed.
   
3. Backup Birdie Part 6: Within 30 minutes of this writer posting info in Reddit chat of how to file an animal complaint in Joplin, MO as a PSA (not a threat) encouraging Kylea & Joe to be crystal clear about Alice's whereabouts, a picture of Joe cuddling BB with Alice behind him on the couch is posted. "Joseph loves Birdie Mae too 💖 🐶 So far she loves to sleep 😴"
   

⏸️ 3 animals are now housed in a small apartment. Two cats with behavioral issues and a young puppy. Kylea can claim she will have no issues because "it will be fine" but she is ignorant, immature, and selfish. Wise followers will remove their rose-colored glasses and see the truth. There is a theory Alice was edited into the photo again...

1. Taco Soup Part 3: 🚨 No more takeout for Joe! He gets to eat Taco Soup Rice Bowls for work lunches this week.

⏸️ On the recent McDonalds post, a smart follower asked what Joe eating McDonalds had to do with WW. Kylea replied it was a "balanced lifestyle." Remember, Kylea & Joe want you to believe Joe has not gained weight no matter what he eats, with photo evidence (even modified) proving differently. Kylea's chains were broken 07/05/21. No cravings, temptations, plateaus, weight gain...a perfect journey to this day (and forever). 😇 Please disregard her obvious eating disorder and mental illnesses. Seek medical care, Kylea Gomez. ☮️

1. Backup Birdie Part 7: A 12 second video is shared of BB playing with a squeaky toy on the carpet.

⏸️ No Oliver, Grams, or Gibson content today. Kylea told her followers (in a comment) that Oliver has not met the puppy. Good to see your "sweet boy" and subject of a ridiculous amount of monetized content is already booted engagement wise.
Final thoughts: Money reveals people's true colors. 👀 Buckle in for a nauseating amount of BB nontent.
Takeout: Crazy Llama takeout for 2: $16 est + tip;
All info from Reddit. ✌️

okay, please don't judge me.
I had a big crush on a girl from my class. we got along very good, it's the classic scheme of I didn't know how to interpret what she's saying, leading to me thinking she might like me. I made a fool out of myself. I wrote a letter which she said was good, one of the best she ever got (lmao) , only to tell me one week later that she can't talk to me anymore. she also blamed me for talking about this topic to another girl in my class, while she did the exact same. and that was our last contact, 6 months ago. I know I don't want or need or should talk to this person and I really thought I'm over it, we had no relationship and knew each other for 2 months. she also stopped visiting school. idk if that is because of me tho because she had problems with that from the start, just like me. that's why we started talking in the first place. but at the same time all these points could also be the reason why it is still on my mind. we never talked about this face to face, and that was my biggest mistake. instead of writing a corny letter and overwhelming her with my emotions I should have just talked to how I feel. I believe things would have gone another way. but the main reason why I still think about this so much is that I'm dreaming of her regularly. yup. in the beginning it was very often, now it is every few days. last night I dreamt that we had a class trip and she came late and started talking to me as nothing ever happened. it's always some fake scenario where we're still friends, or we're friends again. a few times I dreamt that shes calling or texting me to say sorry. sometimes when she called me in my dream I woke up right when I answered my phone. I don't know, maybe this sounds pathetic, maybe you think I need therapy, let me tell you I'm looking for it, but actually I don't want this to be a big topic in that therapy because I have enough trauma honestly. but I'm writing this because I hope that someone can give me advice on what to do to finally let that person go because nothing's gonna happen. I don't believe that time alone will solve this issue because as I've already said it's been 6 months and we had contact for only 2. it's like it happened in a different world for me but I'm still heavily invested, at least subconsciously. I'm not talking to anyone about his anymore because I know they don't wanna hear it anymore and I get that. and it also doesn't feel better after I talked to someone about it so why do it.

I (26F) met my ex (27M) and my former best friend (25F) at the beginning of university. I introduced them, and we were close throughout our studies. After graduation, I moved away, and my relationship with my ex ended, though we remained friends. About a year after our breakup, my former best friend visited me for my birthday and mentioned that my ex had been asking her out after our relationship ended. Although I had no intention of getting back together with him, I felt uncomfortable with him dating a mutual friend. I decided to remove him from my social media and move on, but I stayed friends with her since, as far as I knew, she wasn't pursuing him romantically.
Two years later, she visited me again and revealed that my ex had actually started asking her out during the last two years of our relationship, and neither of them told me. They had grown closer while I was studying abroad, staying together in another country. This actually felt like a major betrayal. There's nothing I value more than my time, and both of them had just let me waste two years in a relationship where my partner was trying to cheat on me.
She apologized and mentioned that even though he had a new girlfriend, he was still asking her out, and she didn't know how to handle it. I told her that I had lost my trust in her, and she promised to rebuild it. However, a few weeks later, she and my ex took trips to two different countries for about a month together without his new girlfriend. In the past, if you'd told me they had something going on behind my back, I wouldn't have believed you, but this, along with everything else, was really changing my perception. They were now doing the same thing to his new girlfriend. It's not my place to say anything to the new girl, but I do feel very bad for her. I decided to cut both of them out of my life. I didn't share this story with our mutual friends to avoid damaging her social circle, believing she might eventually change and she'll need those friends more than me for now.
However, I learned that she told our mutual friends that I cut her off because of my ex, which isn't true. Many things have come to light about my ex since our breakup, revealing that he wasn't a good person, and I regret the time I spent with him. The reason I ended the friendship was the loss of trust in her, not because of my ex.
Am I the AH? How should I handle the social fallout? I love my life now - I'm in a prestigious grad school, have supportive family and lovely friends outside of my uni bubble, I have a really well-paying job, and am beyond grateful for everything. However, it bothers me that our mutual friends only know her version of events. Her family still reaches out to me, and I don't have the heart to tell them about our falling out. Her mom once said to me, "I love you because of how much you love and take care of my daughter." It sucks to lose them, but I'm okay with whatever version she tells them because I don't want to disrupt her relationship with them. I was thinking of paying off one of her student loans as a birthday gift before I realized she was spending it with my ex. I helped out another friend with grad school fees and bought gifts for my mom instead. Is there something I'm missing? Was I unfair to her in any way?

We are two daughters of our parents. My father is a business man. He has always been dominating and had the audacity to raise hand on my mother. He had that arrogance of providing us with food and stuff. Though he gave us good education, he was very restrictive and strict. There was no TV, we were not allowed to go out with our friends, we were not allowed to invite our friends at home too and much more. I am a younger one. I use to be good in studies. I use to be an obedient child and always made sure to make my parents proud. On the contrary, my elder sister was average in studies. Even there were 1000 restrictions on us, my sister did some blunders in past like bunk school or having male friends (which obviously we were not allowed to at all). She once was caught with a phone (it was her friend's phone) when she was in 10th class and my mother beat her so bad. She promised that she needs to mend her ways otherwise she will tell our dad. But my sister got so scared that she attempted suicide. But by god's grace, she was saved. I just can't forget that day. This way you might get a glimpse at what level we were afraid of him. My mother never raised voice against my father even after physical abuse. I remember the days when i use to sit outside their room for hours and hours during night with a pillow as they use to fight. I use to be scared what if something happens wrong, though i never has the courage to stop them. I thought that this might be disrespectful. Many nights i just use to sit outside their room with a pillow and when they get to sleep, i use to go back to my room and sleep. When I was 17-18 years old, my father made a plan to thailand with this friends. We were not so happy as we also wanted to go for a trip. Anyhow, not seeing our reaction, he planned. Our mother never had an issue with this as our father use to bribe her with some gold or something (she was fond of jewelry). Also, he never treated our mother right (especially during trips-physical abuse or marital rape we can say) so she use to avoid going out. I myself sensed this thing many times. I use to share bed with them when any relatives use to come to our place. I use to sense him asking for sex and then my mother denying. He use to hold her from neck and that use to rip me apart but i never had the courage to stop him. So yeah, he travelled to thailand and cam back home. One fine day, he asked me and my sister to delete our the unnecessary photos and videos from him phone. I took the phone and started deleting. The next thing i saw was a video and i trembled. We saw a video of my father dancing with a girl in a hotel room. I WAS JUST SO SCARED. Phone fell from my hand. It was a long video, but i only saw 5-6 secs of it. Me and my sister deleted the video and never told anyone about it. We ourselves also never discussed it with anyone. My father use to click pictures with air hostesses and some random girls that he met in thailand. He use to post those pictures as no one had the courage to say him anything on this face. Punjabi people, especially men find it very normal but not normal if any women does it. Years passed, my sister turned 23. One day my sister got caught with a boy in a hotel room. She told that she had a bf who was 5-6 elder from him and was involved in a travel agency job. He belonged to a service class family, average looking and middle class background. My father refused. He met the guy and was not happy. Proper blackmailing like you broke my trust, how can you find a bf, it is our responsibility to find one for you etc started. She was tortured. She was made sit at home for one year. All household work was done by her and she was always taunted. They turned everything hell for her. I also was not able to do anything as I had no idea how could i help. Even i didn't had that mind to understand if she was right or no. When she turned 24-25, marriage talks popped up. My father found a rich business class guy for her. We all were happy and she got married in two months. Thankfully it turned out good for her that she got to get out from this home. I started having problem with my father here. He use to pretend such a nice guy infront of everyone. He use to portray that he is the nicest man and can do anything for her family. Though deep inside we were aware he is the worst person who beats up his wife, makes every little thing work as per his own choice, does not give a fuck about his daughters and does not respect. Every other person started thinking that he is such a gentleman and my mother is arrogant which was not true. My father is a business man and knows how to talk in a group of people and how to pretend. My mother on other hand, is introvert, so some might think of her as an arrogant person. He started gifting expensive stuff to my sister's in laws place to make himself look good. And when we use to ask for money and stuff, he never gave us enough to meet our needs. We always use to compromise. Never wore brand or never went to good place for dinners etc but they were gifted brands, thousand and lakhs of money were given to them, though they never demanded and always use to say no to those gifts. At this stage, my age came of getting married. And my perspective for my father changed. Whenever my marriage talk popped up, it use to scare the shit out of me. I started thinking what if my partner turned out to be just like my father. What i will do where will i go and how will i manage everything. Because i was aware once i get married, there is no turning back. I have to make that marriage work no matter what happens. My parents will never support me or take me back if my partner turns out to be bad. They will ask me to accept it saying it is your destiny. When it comes to marriage, every girl try to sees her father's characteristics in her to be husband. And when i use to imagine, i started running away from the word of marriage. I just got scared that every other men is like him who is dominating, disrespectful and raise his hands on his wives. I tried to escape from it saying i want to pursue my studies. On the other hand, I met a wonderful guy. I never thought i would fall for a guy like him. He is a goofy guy with a good heart. He is a senior manager in a government bank. The man of my dreams, i never ever met guy in my life who was so nice and kind to talk. Though i had few male friends, i never felt like that for them. I opened my heart and my mind infront of him. I shared everything with him, even those things which i never use to think of alone or which use to scare the shit out of me. Now the problems comes. He is basically from Himachal Pradesh, further from a small town, a very simple family. Our teva also doesn't matches. We belong to a upper business class family. I talked about this with my father and mother and my god, it turned out so bad. He threatened me saying he will boycott me and ask my sister and other relatives too to cut me off. I don't want to lose touch with my sister as she is the only one who i have. She also cannot do anything for me. I love him alot and we cannot live without each other. My sister's husband is nice but he will also not approve of him because he also has that richie rich mentality. I don't have anyone's support and now i feel suicidal. I don't know what to do and where to go #pleasehelp

Hi all -
I (27F) have entered my first dating relationship that has gone past a few dates as an adult and I’m unfortunately feeling like a fish out of water. I’m currently on week 6 of getting to know someone after being extremely content to be single for the last 5 years. I am hoping to gain some insight before I make any further decisions on what I want/am looking for.
At the beginning of April, I matched with 27M and after a couple days of chatting we met up for drinks. Since then, we have seen eachother almost everyday with the exception of a few days and a trip that 27M previously had planned with his family.
Here are the details:
•We live 30 minutes apart but he drives to see me at some point throughout the day whether after work or at some point during the weekend and I would say until 2 weeks ago it was mostly him initiating.
•We have spent time hanging out at home, going to the gym, going on a hike, eating out, getting drinks/going to happy hour
•He is very physically affectionate and sweet with his words - compliments are common.
•at the very beginning he paid for everything and now it’s a bit more equitable because I have insisted
•He took a clear nterest in learning things about my life. Whenever I randomly would mention something tough or a bit hard (not to be evasive but not to delve too much personal info too quickly) he would gently ask to know more and be very supportive in his response.
•We don’t text all day but we have communication daily
•He does mention the future often (3+ mos advance) and it is more so ideas “we can do this/we can go here/next time”. He does consistently bring up the same ideas
•He shares details about his family, his days, his friends without me having to ask
•We are intimate but not every time we see each other
•He and his family are immigrants and he has been up front about the pressure they put on him/expectations they put on him to be married/have kids m and he has openly communicated (not in a DTR convo) that he doesn’t want to think about marriage for another 2 years ish
•we have not DTR’d
•we have not met each others friends
Here is where I’m getting stumped:
I am personally not in a rush to be in a marriage-focused relationship. I am very content to continue to get to know eachother in the trajectory we’re moving and let things happen organically, especially because he has gently but consistently pulled the pace during this experience. The problem is that I am constantly inundated (without even having to look!) with the terms like “situationship” and constantly seeing all of these saying rules that people swear by that are making it hard to navigate this relationship without being fearful of all these added things people suggest/swear by etc. I want to disregard them and live my life and but i admittedly have such little relationship experience that part of me wonders if i feel resistance to these things because i am simply unaware.
Ultimately, before i decide on whether to DTR (not necessarily to be bf/gf but to just check in) I want to have a clear picture of what I’m working with with this person and be made aware of any signs that I am not aware of that I should be aware of.
Do you see any red flags? Yellow flags that I can keep an eye on? Green flags? If you’ve been in a similar experience, how would you navigate it? Do you need anymore info?
I am somewhat new to posting on Reddit so my apologies if I have done something wrong!!
*edited for formatting

Whatever you do, never drink to cure a mental issue.
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Gillab, Gojid Citizen, Father
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 28, 2142
I made sure to wake up as early as possible so I could do what I needed to do before Billy woke up. First things first, get rid of all the liquor in that fridge. If Billy was going to get better, the first thing he needed to do was stop drinking. He was only running from his problems and as long as he had that out he was going to take it.
I pulled a trash bag in front of the fridge, propped it open as best I could, and started stuffing it full of bottles. Cheap Venlilian liquor was being poured down the drain by the second, it almost made me feel bad for anything living in the sewers. This stuff had enough alcohol in it to kill someone, a rat would be dead in seconds.
By the time I poured the last bottle down the drain, I had probably sanitized the entirety of the New York sewer system. I hoisted the bag onto my back, making sure not to break the bag with my quills, and started to make my way to the dumpster. Thankfully Billy’s apartment was on the first floor so the journey wasn’t too long.
I tossed the bag into the dumpster carelessly, causing a few of the bottles to break when they hit the others that had been thrown in yesterday. It was only the second day, but I felt like we had already made some progress. I was able to make him admit he was just scared of feeling the pain of his memories, even if it was only accidental. Small steps were still steps, now all I had to do was make him realize that he didn’t deserve this. I have a feeling that once he jumps that hurdle, everything should come much easier.
A familiar song brought me out of my thoughts, drawing my attention to my phone. I had changed the ringtone to the first Human song I had ever heard, T-Shirt, to always remind me of my time on the Cradle. I pulled out my phone and accepted the call, smiling as I saw just who it was.
“High sweety, having a good morning?”
The camera shook up and down in sync with my daughter's face. “Yeah, but I wish you were here.”
“Oh sweety, I know you do, but I have some important work to do and I can’t come home. Just know that I will always love you. Now you have a good day at school, you hear?”
“Mmhm, I will. Here’s mommy.”
The camera shook again as it passed from my daughter’s claws to my wife’s. In the background, I could hear the chitter of my daughter’s voice and then rapid footsteps away. When the camera stopped shaking, I was met by the most beautiful woman in existence.
“Hello, Sweet-fruit.”
Kirala smiled and tilted her head. “Hello, my big guolo tree. I missed you this morning.”
“I missed you too. I had to sleep on an uncomfortable couch and I think it messed up my back a bit.”
“Oh, how the mighty veteran is felled! Surviving a plasma wound to the chest but felled by the mightier couch.”
I flicked an ear in amusement. “To be fair, it was one vicious couch.”
I couldn’t help but melt at her laugh, it was like sunshine during the darkest night. It was light and cheerful and genuine, and I couldn’t imagine myself living without it.
With a final few chuckles, Kirala pulled herself together enough to respond. “Well, it sounds like you need to wear some armor to bed then.”
I feigned a thoughtful expression. “Maybe I will, I already sleep with clothes on.”
She threw her head back in disgust. “Ugh, I still don’t know how you do that. I still feel a little uncomfortable when I wear them when I’m awake, I couldn’t imagine sleeping with them.”
“It’s an acquired taste, you’ll come around.”
“Mmhm, I’m suuure.”
I sighed. “How’s Julaly doing?”
“Well, she misses you, obviously, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. She was good yesterday, but we both wished you had given us a little more of a warning. I didn’t expect your little trip to the memorial to turn into an impromptu therapy session.”
“Sweet-fruit, you know I wish I could have too. It was sprung on me just as much as you. I’m just glad I found him when I did, do you know what I found in his room? A suicide note.”
Kirala gasped slightly. “Oh dear I… I really-”
“It’s fine. I didn’t know either. But just think, if I had come back for just one day, he would be dead. I made the right call here, even if I was torn at the time.”
“You need to get back to him then.”
“I’ve got a little longer. He’s still asleep. I was throwing away some alcohol when you called me, and when I get some free time I’m going to go to the nearby bars and tell them not to serve him. Today I’m thinking I’ll try and get him to go to a veterans’ meeting so he can connect with some others like him, let him know he’s not alone and it’s not just me who cares about him.”
“Still, you should go back to him. And stay safe. He sounds unstable, just keep an eye on him.”
“Sweet-fruit, he’s not dangerous.”
“You don’t know what’s going on in his head. Promise me you will stay safe.”
“I promise.”
“Like you mean it.”
“I promise with all of my heart that I will stay safe.”
“Good, now get back to it. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
The call blinked out and left me staring at my home screen. It was true that I missed them both dearly, even a day without them left me longing, but I knew what I was doing was right. Billy needed someone to save him, and I was the only one available. Kirala was right, I needed to get back to it. I couldn’t leave Billy alone for too long, it would only end in disaster.
As soon as the door clicked open, Billy descended upon me. “Gillab, what did you do?! Where’s the liquor?!”
I stepped past him and made my way to the living room. “I threw it all away. You were poisoning yourself and I needed to put an end to it.”
Billy was stunned for a moment. “You fucking- GILLAB! Get the FUCK out of my house!”
“I’m not going anywhere! Not until you heal!”
Billy looked back and forth, raising his arms in frustration. “What the FUCK does that even mean?! You keep spouting this fucking ‘healing’ word like it’s some catch-all miracle wonder word that means everything!”
“I mean, you need to come to terms with what you’ve done, accept them, and move on! Otherwise, you are just going to rot in this room for all eternity. You are so much better than this, and you know it. You are strong enough to carry on, and you know this. You know, deep down, that you don’t deserve this life. But you are stuck thinking that you do! I saw you at the memorial and I literally didn’t recognize you, remember? That is how much you have changed, but it doesn’t have to stay like this. You can end the pain, and not in that way, all you have to do is trust me. And not just say that you do.”
I paused for a moment to catch my breath. “You said that you would go through the motions for me, right? This is just another motion. The next one is to find other veterans who are or have been through what you have and talk to them. They will make you realize that you aren’t trash or a parasite or any of that! It’s just another motion, right?”
Billy growled and stormed towards me. “You are on thin fucking ice right now.”
“Good. It means you care. Now sit down, we are going to set up a meeting with a group of veterans.”
“I don’t want to go meet some fucking soldier. I’m fine without that.”
“It’s just the motions, right? Humor me.”
With a deep sigh, Billy sat in the chair across from me. That was all I needed to see to confirm it, Billy really did want help, he just couldn’t even admit it to himself.
“You still haven’t given me your promised speech from yesterday. The hour-long one about how much I don’t deserve what I’m doing to myself.”
“Oh trust me, it’s coming. But right now we are going to set up a date for you to meet a veterans’ group. After that, let’s clean up a little more, get some food, maybe go for a walk in a park, then you’ll get the speech. Okay?”
Billy rolled his eyes and waited for me to pull up a website. After a bit of scrolling, I found a phone number I could call to find a meeting time. I prepared everything and set the phone on the table, but didn’t call yet.
“Okay Billy, I’m leaving this up to you. All you have to do is say your name and ask for a time you can come to the meeting.”
“Why can’t you set it up for me?”
“That’s not how it works. You need to be the one that calls them, not me. Plus, I don’t think they would accept me signing you up. The person coming has to be the one to set it up. Are you ready?”
Billy sighed. “Yeah.”
I called the number, set the phone on a table between Billy and I, and waited. After a few rings, a man began to speak.
“Hello, you have reached Richard’s group therapy for veterans, how can I help you?”
Billy looked up to me for guidance, to which I only motioned for him to speak to the man. “H-hi Richard, m-my name is Billy. I was… wondering if I-I could join your next meeting.”
“Oh course, we are always open for more. You didn’t even need to call, you could have just shown up at the meeting. We accept anyone and everyone at any time. Our next meeting is tomorrow at noon if you are available. If not, the next one is that same day at six-thirty.”
Billy glanced at me twice before giving his answer. “The… six-thirty one sounds good.”
He was pushing it back as much as he could, but at least he would get to it eventually. There was some quiet clacking in the background before the man responded. “Great, I’ve reserved you a seat. I’m happy to have you join us. Is there anything else you need?”
“No, that’s all. See you tomorrow.”
Billy set his phone down and sighed deeply. His face quickly changed from concerned and awkward to angry and annoyed. I could see him prepare to say something, but it ended up dying in his throat. Instead, he stood up suddenly and stomped back to his room, wanting to be left alone.

We met in December through social media from the same area. I was in a place at that time after having 2 2 year relationships that ended when I was 21, I was ready to be open if something came along. I was single for 8 years. Initially I wasn’t 100% bought in on her. The lifestyle she portrayed on social media gave off the vibe she was like a fancy influencer which I’m not a fan of. Had a bit of a social media presence. I had one myself for a few years but pulled back because I realized it wasn’t for me knowing the mental health effects of it. I expressed that I don’t care for social media anymore and want a low key life. She seemed cool though so I pursued it. Off the bat our convos were deep. She was reading our comparability. And then I took her out. First date she was already saying she was admiring me and obsessed with me. Found out later she texted a friend on the side and said she was going to marry me. She traveled for this social media stuff almost every weekend. She also had her real job. I still didn’t see this going anywhere due to her circumstances but I was interested after the date however I wasn’t 100% bought in. Thinking back now, I think maybe my gut was telling me not to pursue.
I was supposed to run a marathon in another state and she said she wanted to fly down (second time meeting) and spend the weekend with me. She did and that’s when it started. I learned all her trauma. Everything moved so quickly that weekend. No relationship with family, father was a drug addict and left, mother was BPD and bipolar and so was the sister. Kicked her out at a young age was couch surfing for years. Never had a stable home. Didn’t seem to have any long term friends. Told me she had went to therapy and was all good but also told me she has fear of abandonment and ptsd. I thought she was squared away though and gave the benefit of the doubt. We already discussing futures together and the lovebombing started. Saying things to me no one’s ever said or noticed. Long story short she traveled almost every weekend for the next month and a half and i really wasn’t a fan of it. Aside from not liking the influencer stuff, it was just not the type of relationship I was looking for. Never being able to plan. Only spending a couple hours during the week because we worked opposite schedules. This went on for the first 2 months. She was supposed to travel the first 3 weeks in March but wound up telling me she’s having an identity crisis. Wants to stop traveling wants to stop on social media. It’s bad for her mental health she used it as a distraction bc she had nothing else and now being with me she has a different perspective on life and has a reason to be home. She also said she used it for validation for herself bc her family never gave it to her and people only praised her for her success and i was the first person to love her for who she is. I thought that was awesome and wanted the best for her because she told me how bad it was affecting her. She canceled all her upcoming trips and was bought in on living present, pulling back from being on her phone because she was addicted to it and just enjoying life. Would constantly express to me how much healthier she is, eating more, sleeping better etc. told everyone she knew the same thing. She’d express how she used to “self sabotage” with all this work. I would always say don’t do anything unless you truly want to and she’d emphasize how she felt this way before me, I just gave her a different perspective on life and she doesn’t want to bury herself in work anymore because she doesn’t have a reason to distract herself.
This is when the clingy stuff started. She wanted to be with me every second of every day which for some reason i didn’t see as bad at first. She started getting separation anxiety when I’d go to work and constantly fear that i was going to just abandon her. She’d take things and small jokes so seriously and somehow link it to me subliminally meaning i was going to leave her. If i wasn’t all over her in the morning she took it personal. We’d wind up in arguments of me explaining what i meant and it would either end with her insisting i take her emotions into account or she’d apologize but blame it on her past and fear of abandonment. I found myself completely losing myself constantly going above and beyond to show her how much i loved her and wasn’t going to leave her. Taking off of work spending time with her buying her things and also just constantly telling her and showing her love. It was never enough because when she had these spirals it was all forgotten about. Got to the point i was living with her basically and couldn’t go home and see my family without her coming.
Dealing with this for about 2 months fast forward to 3 weeks ago. A girl she met through social media deaded her out of nowhere and told her something she said she didn’t like. She remembered last time she spoke to her she was saying how she was pulling back from social media because it was bad for her mental health and how happy she is actually having a life outside of work and thinks this girl took that personal because social media is her life. She was upset but didn’t seem to distraught. I gave logical reasoning like If she can drop you like this clearly she’s not someone important. I kept reassuring her she doesn’t need someone like that. If she was a real friend she’d be happy for you. I made jokes about it that made her laugh. What i didn’t know until one night she was crying was that it triggered the abandonment issues and she was down another spiral and associating it with me leaving. Once i saw it was a big trigger i tried to really console her. Show her love and affection and be there for her. Everything seemed fine until a couple of days later. We woke up, i was tired maybe a little quiet (i really don’t know I’m blaming myself) and we were talking like normal. She kept asking me what’s wrong and i kept saying nothing nothing. I wound up leaving for work and i texted her. She was being very short with me until she just didn’t answer. Me thinking ok she’s busy at work no big deal. Normally she would check in during the day at work. She didn’t. I was still like okay no problem until i saw she was checking social media. So after the entire day passes without hearing from her i finally reach out and was like what’s the issue. I go based off patterns. Even when she was busy in the past she’d check in and the only times she went quiet was when something was wrong. She claimed she was busy but i said ok you were checking social media and im sure if you were to screen shot your texts you were texting other people and i was the only one ignored bc she was always on her phone(not actually saying send me your texts, I’ve never done that). She said that rubbed her the wrong way and we need to have a conversation. We hopped on the phone and BOOM everything came out. She needed me and i wasn’t there for her to comfort her i made jokes about it and didn’t take it seriously (i was there for her but didn’t realize the extent of why it was bothering her until she told me and i did everything i could to make her happy) then she started bringing up how she lost herself since she’s been with me. She can’t post on social media freely anymore because she feels like im going to judge her even though it was her who made the decision to pull back and praised how much of great decision it was(not to mention she never stopped posting 3 times a day regardless of everything she said) I went to her place and all my stuff was out and ready to go. We spoke again and the same things came up. I don’t like social media and was pulling back myself so that means i don’t support her and how i wasn’t there for her emotionally. It was literally just a big mind f. Brought up like 2 or 3 other completely random things as well as excuses as to why she was leaving again contradicting things she’s said or done. Anytime i would bring up but what about this and when i did this or said this or how you said this it was like deflected and didn’t matter. What matters is what she is perceiving and that’s it. Like I’m this horrible person who did nothing for her.
At first I blamed myself since this happened because I really don’t know what more i could’ve done. I reached out to someone who I’m friends with who knew her growing up and they told me that it seems like a reoccurring thing with her past friend ships and relationships that they all just ended randomly. It really messed with my head and I didn’t know how to deal with it. She isn’t diagnosed with anything as far as i know but it’s been brought to my attention about the BPD stuff and reading this forum a lot of the things are very familiar.
I know I’m not perfect but after years of not wanting to commit to anyone or open up i finally did and i really meant how i felt for her and it hurt me so much that i could just be discarded like that. But I’ve learned what it is and am accepting it for what it is. I’m not a codependent person normally, never have been. But somehow fell into this savior role. I truly just cared for her and thought that maybe she had a bad upbringing but we can make the next chapters happy. I truly had good intentions. Been NC for almost 3 weeks now. Would never reach out i really don’t care how much it hurt. I have a great support system and a lot to look forward to. There’s good days and bad days but the bad days are getting less and less. I think back and I recall how uneasy I felt the whole time. I thought maybe it was me. But I truly think I just always suspected something wasn’t right.
Just wanted to tell my story and see if anyone had any advice or could relate in anyway.

I (22 F) was the maid of honour for my friend's (F) wedding, along with 2 other bridesmaids (Anna and Jess). Note: I was not friends with the other bridesmaids, as they were the bride's friends from elsewhere.
The bride was not involved in the wedding/hens planning process as we wanted the activities as a surprise, and would also be paying for the bride's head for all activities. Our agreed plan/budget was $500 each. However, Anna suggested changing the plan to do a weekend trip, increasing the budget to $1,000 each factoring accommodation, food, etc. (paying for bride)
I raised my concerns with the bridesmaids bc I felt stressed dropping $1,000+ in one go for one wedding, as I do not have a fulltime job (Im desperately looking for one). I only work casually 2 days a week. I also had to use the money I'd saved for the wedding on a family emergency. The bridesmaids however, work full-time but are renting their housing.
When I brought up my stress to the bridesmaids, they tried investigating my financial details, aggresively asking me if I paid rent, what I spend my money on, why and how often I support my family financially . I explained that altho I dont pay rent, I also dont get paid as much as them. Anna said, "so get a second job", implying that Im not working hard enough/ I need to work harder to fund this wedding. I felt pressured by them to spend more, as they claimed that they are in worse financial positions than me, and if they can pay, I should too. They both then called me "disrespectful" for being concerned about money because I don't pay rent, which was unfair, as they assumed I don't have any other financial priorities in my life.
I told the bride everything, how I felt uncomfortable and invalidated, like I wasn't allowed to feel stressed about money bc I don't pay rent. She agreed they were unnecessarily aggressive , but agreed with them that I was disrespectful for being concerned when I dont pay rent. The bride expressed her hurt in how "quickly" I "threatened" to pull out. I explained that me pulling out would not be bc of money, or that I didn't want to be her MOH, but bc of how I was treated by the bridesmaids. I'd rather pull out sooner than later to avoid more future conflicts. She ultimately agreed that I pull out, knowing that she wouldnt enjoy her day knowing that us bridesmaids had beef.
Few weeks later, I asked the bride if everything was ok between us. She said its expected to have a shift due to my "immature actions" and how I "blew everything up", and felt hurt that I quickly pulled out of the bridal party. I explained again why I pulled out (above para), and if she refused to understand how her friends made me feel which led to my decision, then I can't change her mind. She then said, "I'm not rehashing this convo so you can feel good about being the victim".
For the past few weeks, I was made to feel like a shit friend and I started to believe it.
AITA for pulling out of her bridal party? were my actions immature?

This happened about 2 years ago, and we are still no contact because of this issue. Protagonists: my mother (F72), who had 8 dogs at the moment of the event, and I (F39)
A little bit of background:
My mother was a horrible mom to me. She didn't like me very much. When she went out for the weekend going on agility tournaments (dog sport competitions) with my sisters and their dogs, she would leave me alone at home without any money or food. I was lucky when I could find some oats in a cupboard and eat them with water.
As a kid growing up I thought we were just poor, but as an adult I understand she just blew all her money on these tournaments and the trips to them (including gas money and hotel costs as well as the registration fees for the runs).
When I was sick, she never took me to the doctor's. She just didn't care enough about me. I grew up in Germany, going to the doctor's would have been free for her. But it was too much of a hassle to care for a sick child.
On the other hand, she would of course go to the vet as soon as one of her dogs were ill. The dogs were vaccinated, I was not. I wasn't important enough to get vaccinations.
After running away from home with 16, I didn't have much contact to my mother for a long time.
A few years ago, around 2018, I made a conscious effort to mend our relationship. Or to create a relationship at all.
I live about 1000 km away from her in another country, so we mostly called each other. I took the main part in calling her because she is very poor and inter-country calls are very expensive. Her old-age pension is ridiculously low (about 800 Euros, roughly 870 USD per month).
We talked a lot, and I had the feeling we were getting close for the first time in my whole life. It felt good. I finally had the feeling of having a mother. We talked about major events in our life. I shared with her how I was managing to get out of dept (my restaurant went under, and I had a lot of debt to repay).
She was very aware of how much I make and that I was working two fulltime jobs at the same time to pay back my debt. And she also knew how demanding and tiring the workload was for me, but how proud I was of myself.
Now to the event:
One day in October 2022 my mother called me with joy and excitement in her voice.
She said: 'I have a fantastic idea, but I need your help!'
I was excited about her obvious happiness and asked eagerly what it was about and how I could help her.
She: 'There is this dog in the rescue center of your sister. I thought you could buy it for me. You would pay all the big bills like the buying price and the vet. I would provide food and the dog would be living with me up until I am to weak too hold her any longer. Then your dog would be living with you.'
I needed a moment to process this ridiculous proposal. I asked to be sure I understood everything correctly: 'So I would buy the dog, it would be living with you, but I would have to pay any bigger costs for the dog? And in a few years I will have to take it in?'
She, delighted: 'Yes! Isn't that an awesome idea?'
I: 'No, absolutely not. I don't have any spare money. I can't provide for a dog which isn't even mine, and you already have 8 dogs! You are broke, you can't buy yourself good food. You can't provide for the dog, either.'
(English isn't my first language. I told her the points nicely. If it's sounding harsh that's because of my bad translation.)
She went quiet. Then said she had to go and hung up.
I tried calling her a couple of times over the next few weeks. She didn't take my calls nor did she call me back.
Christmas came and went. No call from my mom, no letter, nothing. My birthday came. Still radio silence.
I called a last time at her birthday last year and she picked up. She talked 15 minutes about herself, I couldn't get a word in. She didn't ask how I was doing, nothing. When we ended the call, I knew the relationship was over.
So, that's how I lost my mom for good. Because I didn't want to buy her a ninth dog.
TLDR: My mother wanted me to buy her an additional dog and to cover all bigger costs for the dog as well. When I refused, she basically ghosted me.

I (26F) met my ex (27M) and my former best friend (25F) at the beginning of university. I introduced them, and we were close throughout our studies. After graduation, I moved away, and my relationship with my ex ended, though we remained friends. About a year after our breakup, my former best friend visited me for my birthday and mentioned that my ex had been asking her out after our relationship ended. Although I had no intention of getting back together with him, I felt uncomfortable with him dating a mutual friend. I decided to remove him from my social media and move on, but I stayed friends with her since, as far as I knew, she wasn't pursuing him romantically.
Two years later, she visited me again and revealed that my ex had actually started asking her out during the last two years of our relationship, and neither of them told me. They had grown closer while I was studying abroad, staying together in another country. This actually felt like a major betrayal. There’s nothing I value more than my time and both of them had just let me waste 2 years in a relationship where my partner was trying to cheat on me. She apologized and mentioned that even though he had a new girlfriend, he was still asking her out, and she didn't know how to handle it. I told her that I had lost my trust in her, and she promised to rebuild it.
However, a few weeks later, she and my ex took trips to two different countries for about a month together without his new girlfriend. In the past I’d you had told me they had something going on behind my back I wouldn’t have believed you but this along with everything else was really changing my perception. They were now doing the same thing to his new girlfriend. It’s not my place to say anything to the new girl but I do feel very bad for her. I decided to cut both of them out of my life. I didn't share this story with our mutual friends to avoid damaging her social circle, believing she might eventually change with and she’ll need those friends more than me for now. However, I learned that she told our mutual friends that I cut her off because of my ex, which isn't true.
Many things have come to light about my ex since our breakup, revealing that he wasn't a good person, and I regret the time I spent with him. The reason I ended the friendship was the loss of trust in her, not because of my ex.
Am I the AH? How should I handle the social fallout? I love my life now – I'm in a prestigious grad school, have supportive family and lovely friends outside of my uni bubble, I have a really well paying job, and am beyond grateful for everything. However, it bothers me that our mutual friends only know her version of events. Her family still reaches out to me, and I don't have the heart to tell them about our falling out. Her mom once said to me “I love you because of how much you love and take care of my daughter”, It sucks to lose them but I'm okay with whatever version she tells them because I don't want to disrupt her relationship with them. I was thinking of paying off one of her student loans as a birthday gift before I realized she was spending it with my ex lol, helped out another friend with grad school fees and gifts for my mom instead. Is there something I'm missing? Was I unfair to her in any way?

Hello! Like many others i too am having a dilemma on which uni offer to accept. In NTU, i got offered psychology with the NTU-USP (university scholars programme) scholarship while in NUS, i got offered a psych with management double major (with psych as my primary major under CHS) with the NUS merit scholarship. For context, i'm hoping to have a more vibrant uni life than jc so overseas exposure, student life and the culture of the schools r important to me too!!
For the NUS merit scholarship, my benefits include: - Paid tuition fees - S$6,000 annual living allowance - S$2,000 one-time computer allowance - Guaranteed Student Exchange Programme (SEP) placement with one of NUS overseas partner universities for one semester (no priority given so may not be one of my top choices i'm assuming??)
For the NTU-USP scholarship, my benefits include: - Paid tuition fees - S$6,500 annual living allowance - S$1,750 one-time computer allowance - Annual accommodation allowance of up to S$2,000 - Travel Grant of up to $5000 for an overseas study/attachment programme -Overseas benefits: - Heavily subsidized Travel Overseas Programme for Scholars (TOPS) in the freshman year (1 week overseas fieldwork and research trip) - NTU-USP Study Abroad Programme, or - Priority placement in overseas universities through NTU's international student semester exchange
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Some of my concerns right now are: - i'm not yet sure if i fully wanna commit to a career in psych even though its something i'm passionate abt (will have to do master's at least, if not phd) so the double major in NUS might give me more opportunities to pursue smth else if i decide that psych is not for me + NUS CHS gives me the flexibility to change my major within the first 2 years

• i intend to do my master's (if i pursue psych) overseas so the prestige and brand name of NUS would prob give me some leverage to get into overseas unis i'm assuming
  
• i've been seeing a lot of ppl complain abt the CHS common curriculum which takes up 1/3 of the curriculum in my degree :") NTU has a common curriculum too but its much less than that of NUS so i get to study more mods related to my major, also heard from some seniors that a few unis dont recognise the NUS psych bachelors degree bcs the no. of AUs we study doesnt meet the min. requirement (although i'm not sure how true this is)
  
• the NTU-USP modules (which replace some of the common curriculum's core + electives) r taught in seminar style and not graded on a bellcurve so it might be better for me to learn in that type of environment esp bcs of the seminar style teaching method... and the core curriculum both in NUS and NTU doesnt rly interest me anw so maybe a seminar style would make it easier to learn these mods?
  
• overseas experiences r q important to me and it feels like i'll have more overseas opportunities in NTU-USP compared to NUS even though NUS has the guaranteed SEP... i also heard that its q competitive to get into exchange programmes in NUS bcs i'll be competing with all of FASS so if anyone has any insight into this, please do share!
  
• i'll have to stay in hall if i go to NTU which i have to pay for (abt $4000-$5000 annually so after the accommodation allowance, abt $2000-$3000 out of my own pocket every year) while i can travel to NUS from home... also i just moved in to a new house last month and it's newly renovated and rly comfy so i kinda also wanna enjoy the comforts of my own house😭
  
• i prefer the S/U and bidding systems in NUS more! In NUS, we can S/U the mod after seeing our grades while in NTU, we have to S/U the mod before seeing our grades for the final exam (which holds the highest weightage i assume) + in NUS, we bid for mods by ranking them according to our preference while in NTU, its on a fcfs basis! for more details on these systems, https://www.reddit.com/SGExams/s/awq4ocGYUr (note: NUS bidding system has changed to ranking by preference - factors like seniority, primary major and popularity of the mods affects the likelihood of getting them!)
  
• any seniors from NTU psych or NUS CHS pls share more abt the culture there!! like is it v competitive? are ppl generally willing to share notes and resources? is there a mugger culture? and r the ppl there v academically focused? aka do i have to grind like jc again :") i dont wanna sell my soul to the education system pls💀
  

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I've heard from seniors and profs that the psych mods have a steep bellcurve too and that its generally a competitive course in either uni so i guess i'll have to grind either way😭 it feels like i might have a more vibrant student life in NTU(?) while the culture in NUS seems more academically-driven, but FASS/CHS seniors, feel free to correct me! Also how r the campuses for the FASS block in NUS and the SSS block in NTU HAHAH i didnt get a chance to see them up close! Just hoping anyone can share any insights abt the respective unis and programmes and shed some light into my dilemma ^{^}
if u've made it this far, thank u for taking the time to read this post!! i'll just list some of the pros and cons of each uni below for easier reference but its basically just a summary of everything i've said above :D
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NUS:
Pros✅️ - flexibility to change my 1st and 2nd major within the first 2 years - psychology + management double major - guaranteed semester exchange programme (SEP) - no need to stay in hall, can travel from the comfort of my new house - i prefer its S/U system and bidding system - brand name and prestige could give me more overseas opportunities to pursue my master's
Cons❌️ - CHS common curriculum takes up 1/3 of my degree, less time to study my majors - fewer overseas opportunities compared to NTU-USP, guaranteed exchange programme may not be one of my top choices bcs its more competitive - have to study CHS common curriculum (which i'm not super interested in compared to my major) in lecture-tutorial style, which takes more effort for me from past jc experience
NTU:
Pros✅️ - more overseas experiences and opportunities (TOPS, priority for exchange programmes, USP study abroad, electives with overseas fieldwork components, etc) - small class sizes for USP modules which facilitates better learning for me personally! + provides a sense of community too - fewer modules for the common curriculum so more time to focus on my major - the hall experience could add to my uni experience esp in terms of student life + i have 4 years guaranteed hall + $2000 annual accommodation allowance
Cons❌️ - i dont really like the S/U system and dont prefer its bidding system (but have learnt some ways to work around the bidding system from seniors) - have to stay in hall away from the comforts of my own home + have to pay for hall - little flexibility to change my major once i enter uni + no double major with business (career backup if i give up on psych) - less prestige compared to NUS(?) not as much of a brand name
Okay thats about it!! Pls share your advice and opinions guys i have 5 days left to make a decision and i'm starting to panic a little😭😭 anyway thank you for reading my post and for any pieces of advice/comments yall leave!!

I started work at ShawbRyt a week ago and am already Team Lead for Night Collections, the first female Team Lead for this district. Name’s Charley. Wish I could say what we collect for but I don’t care so I never asked. All I know is, my team only accepts cash. No debit, no credit, no cheques, no body parts, just paper cash issued by our government. And we get a lot of it, every day, brought in by muscular people who I think got it from other people. That’s all I know. But that amount of cash means someone from the team has to make a bank deposit at the end of every shift.
Today (well, tonight really, since it’s night shift) the district manager told me to take Kedgewick with me when I go to the bank. That way I wouldn’t be the only one on the Team that knows how to make the deposit and so that I’m not going alone. That isn’t him being sexist. The previous Team Lead was a guy and he disappeared while doing a night deposit so I guess it’s good for business. Even if it isn’t good for business, I don’t care. Not my business.
Kedge is new, he’s only been with us two days. He’s a jeans, T-shirt and blazer kinda guy. Brand name athletic shoes; today’s were red. No tie. Blond hair, slightly messy, no beard or mustache or earring. Always somewhat nervous and a lot annoying but I get paid to do what I’m told, not to ask questions.
At the appointed time, which I’m not going to say for security reasons, I tapped Kedge on the shoulder of his irritatingly clean white T-shirt. The kid jumped like I’d shoved a gun in his face.
“Deposit time,” I whispered.
He looked at me like I was kidnapping him.
I pointed to the gray blazer on the back of his chair. “We gotta go.”
He kept staring at me while he put on his jacket.
Once outside, I pointed to the bank, two blocks away. “Ever made a night deposit?”
He kept staring. I realized he might think I was propositioning him.
I held the deposit slip in front of his face to make sure he saw it. “See this? There’s 1,000 fives, 400 tens, 500 twenties, 120 fifties and 50 hundreds in the pouch. Thirty grand. Just like the total. Sign here.” I handed him a pen, hoping he knew how to use it and turned so he could use my back as a table. I kept a tight grip on the deposit pouch until he was done, then opened the pouch so he could put the slip inside.
He hesitated before releasing the paper. “We don’t keep a copy?”
“Got one in the office.” I grabbed the paper, jammed it into the pouch then sealed it shut. “We gotta go.”
He mostly kept up with me on the way to the bank. I slowed down as we approached and handed the pouch to him. “The night deposit box is inside those doors on the left. The door opens when you put this card,” I gave him my deposit card, “into the slot on the left of the door, see it? Then pull the deposit box handle, throw this in, slam it shut and come out. Any questions?”
He shook his head, looking about as confused as when I told him to put on his jacket. But he did head towards the door so I stood on the corner, wondering how long it would take for the guy already in the bank to finish and get out of Kedge’s way. The guy in the bank was hard to miss. He was wearing white jeans and a white jacket with a white cowboy hat. I started humming a Bee Gees' tune.
I stopped humming when movement a couple of yards up the street caught my attention. A man dressed in black walked out from behind a streetlight pole. I say behind, but it was more like he was the streetlight pole, because once he started walking, there was no more light, no more pole. I know it was dark but how was the pole there one second and gone the next?
That’s a good example of why I’m better off sticking to following orders, not asking questions. In the time it took me to wonder about the pole, the man walked up to the guy coming out of the bank and shot him twice through the head and twice thru the chest.
I couldn’t breathe or move. I watched in horror as the man grabbed the dead body by the shoulders. At the first touch, the man in black's wardrobe changed to white jeans and jacket. He even had a white cowboy hat. All without removing the dead guy's clothes. He threw the original man in white into the back parking lot's dumpster without so much as a grunt.
Kedge’s very loud running commentary snapped me back into action. "Did you see that? He killed that guy! Did you see that? He threw that guy away! Did you see that? He is that guy now!"
The man in black, now the man in white, might lack fashion sense but he had street smarts. He whipped around and stared at Kedge who then screamed, "He's looking at me! What should I do? Charley!"
At least I think that’s what Kedge was yelling. As soon as I saw the murderer pointing his gun at us, I ran towards the building across the street. Before Kedge finished yelling, I jumped over the fence to that building's parking lot. Once there, I looked back and saw Kedge following me, aiming a gun right at me. A bullet flew past me, grazing my arm. It hurt like the last time I got shot, and I dropped the damn deposit pouch.
I took a sharp right and zigzagged my way up the street behind buildings to the nearest main road. At some point, Kedge stopped following me which made things worse. The more I ran, the more my fear ramped up. It didn’t feel right, seeing a man commit murder, then Kedge trying to kill me and then they both disappear? Not right at all.
It was so wrong, I stopped running at the intersection of Gardiner Drive and Hornpot Lane. The light facing me was red and, well, my lungs, arm and legs were aching. My arm wasn't bleeding but it felt like it was on fire. I took a second to look at it and noticed something moving in the forsythia bush down the street, close enough to see under the street lights along Gardiner.
It was Kedge. He had the gun. He shot at me as he tripped and fell out of the bush.
My legs started pumping and everything around me became a blur. I was in the elevator in my apartment building before I noticed anything else and by then I was gasping for breath.
Kedge missed me, I'm not sure how. Every creak the elevator made sounded like a gunshot to me, all the way to the third floor. My hands shook so bad it took several tries to get the key in the door lock and I kept checking over my shoulders the whole time. I almost turned on the lights when I got inside but realized that wasn’t normal for most people at this time of night. I felt my way to the balcony door and made sure it was locked with curtains drawn.
My sofa is now behind the door to the apartment hallway. Not wanting to smell up the bedsheets and too sore to change them, I tossed a blanket on the sofa before lying down on it. Maybe everyone else would take a shower then listen to a podcast or two before sleep. But this is the middle of the night for people working “normal” hours. Building management said I get thrown out the next time I piss off my neighbors by showering this time of night, so I won’t.
Just as my heart beat was slowing, things took a bad turn. Which is why I'm sending this, in case — look, things could get worse.
Someone's knocking on my door. In the middle of the night. In an apartment building where I'll be up for eviction if there's one more complaint from a neighbor.
I've looked out the peephole. I can describe the person perfectly. His blond hair is slightly messy. He's wearing a blood-stained white T-shirt, jeans and a gray blazer. No tie, beard, mustache or earring. Red athletic shoes, one with the shoelace undone.
He's smiling. He's holding a gun.
I called Emergency Services and they said they'll be here soon. No, they could not define soon. I need to stay put and wait for them.
But the guy at my door won't stop smiling or knocking. And I'm afraid he's going to get in and I'll never get out again.

Hey guys,
I'm the lead on the Smaug series, including the latest release we just dropped on Friday: https://huggingface.co/abacusai/Smaug-Llama-3-70B-Instruct/.
I was happy to see people picking it up in this thread, but I also noticed many comments about it that are incorrect. I understand people being skeptical about LLM releases from corporates these days, but I'm here to address at least some of the major points I saw in that thread.

1. They trained on the benchmark - This is just not true. I have included the exact datasets we used on the model card - they are Orca-Math-Word, CodeFeedback, and AquaRat. These were the only source of training prompts used in this release.
2. OK they didn't train on the benchmark but those benchmarks are useless anyway - We picked MT-Bench and Arena-Hard as our benchmarks because we think they correlate to general real world usage the best (apart from specialised use cases e.g. RAG). In fact, the Arena-Hard guys posted about how they constructed their benchmark specifically to have the highest correlation to the Human Arena leaderboard as possible (as well as maximising model separability). So we think this model will do well on Human Arena too - which obviously we can't train on. A note on MT-Bench scores - it is completely maxed out at this point and so I think that is less compelling. We definitely don't think this model is as good as GPT-4-Turbo overall of course.
3. Why not prove how good it is and put it on Human Arena - We would love to! We have tried doing this with our past models and found that they just ignored our requests to have it on. It seems like you need big clout to get your model on there. We will try to get this model on again, and hope they let us on the leaderboard this time.
4. To clarify - Arena-Hard scores which we released are _not_ Human arena - see my points above - but it's a benchmark which is built to correlate strongly to Human arena, by the same folks running Human arena.
5. The twitter account that posted it is sensationalist etc - I'm not here to defend the twitter account and the particular style it adopts, but I will say that we take serious scientific care with our model releases. I'm very lucky in my job - my mandate is just to make the best open-source LLM possible and close the gap to closed-source however much we can. So we obviously never train on test sets, and any model we do put out is one that I personally genuinely believe is an improvement and offers something to the community. PS: if you want a more neutral or objective/scientific tone, you can follow my new Twitter account here.
6. I don't really like to use background as a way to claim legitimacy, but well ... the reality is it does matter sometimes. So - by way of background, I've worked in AI for a long time previously, including at DeepMind. I was in visual generative models and RL before, and for the last year I've been working on LLMs, especially open-source LLMs. I've published a bunch of papers at top conferences in both fields. Here is my Google Scholar.

If you guys have any further questions, feel free to AMA.

Hello I'm back again after my last post a few months back.
So after all ‘at bullshit happened in the last post. My father ends up staying close to their (the extended family) location for medication purposes because he's now apparently following the proper medication for his situation (at long last fr).
But that is ofcourse not the end of it. At first there's a few problems bcs no one wanted to accept him or to give a place because of his sickness. So they opt to search for a place to rent for him but a lot of landlords of course decline it knowing my father's conditions. And they also end up calling me a bunch of names again and making me the effin scapegoat even though the one causing problems is my father not me, I haven't done shit. One of them even told me to just buy a house for both of us (IN THIS ECONOMY??).
So at the end they manage to find a place that wants to give him a place with some strict rules but that's that. And they in the end ask me to ‘'help'’ them with the cost albeit just a few bucks so I did as they told me and I told them very strictly that I can only give like 100k-200k a month ($7-$10 cuz that's a lot here).
So a month went by smoothly until like a few days back where they suddenly mentioned me again in the GC. Apparently the landlord from my father's place informs them that my father seems very weak and doesn't eat much, so they start assuming shit like maybe he has complications or something (not surprised if that happens honestly bro is living an unhealthy lifestyle). So they ask me something along the line of ‘''what should we do'’ cuz they usually like to make up some shit like ‘''We don't want to do anything rash cuz it's your father so we want your decision on the matter.'’ type of shit. But the problem is. When I DO give solutions, they just argue it back to me.
Example like if I give solution along the lines of ‘’Try accompany him to the hospital'’ they will give excuse like ‘’'we're very busy working.'’ or ‘’no one on standby can accompany him cuz we need to support him when walking and the ones on standby are all girls.'’
Or when I give other solutions like ‘’reach help to other people around'’ their excuse would be ‘’'no one would help that easily and willingly.'’. Even when I give solution like ‘''maybe try calling the hospital people to his place instead ro give him check up service.'’ cuz I know they have that kind of service their excuse would be ‘''it would require money'’. So what the hecc do they want? They ask me for solutions so I give them and that's their answer? What else can I do, tf. Well I do end up telling all of those solutions to the GC though.
But in the end my father said something in the GC himself and said that it was just some gastric problems apparently. But, he then said some unnecessary things followed after that. Along the lines of ‘''If you just wanna give suggestions better not to say anything.'’. Eventhough he doesn't say it directly to me to the gc I knew it was meant for me cuz what else? I was giving those ‘''suggestions'’ before he decided to come out and say stuff about the situation.
So because of that. Something snapped in me I guess. So I end up quitting the GC, blocking everyone involved in there except some of the nephews that are not saying shit in the GC or not involved.
So for 2 days, things are calm. But today one of those nephews dm-ing me. It was just a short ‘’Good evening.'’ and not followed by anything else. So I decided to ignore it altogether too.
In short it seems like I've become very bitter because of this. I'm having enough and I refuse to be a punching bag for the whole family because of other person problem just because that other person is my shitty father. Eventhough I was not doing any shit. If some other people that are related to them do come up and reach out to me I swear I will really own up to the role of Scapegoat and say some mean things back and guilt trip them smh… I'm having enough.

So I am recently coming off of a 10+ year relationship. We had a talk about 2 weeks ago. For the past 2 years the relationship has been causing mental distress on both ends. She is always telling me how unhappy I make her because of my failure to be a good communicator and that I never plan anything for her and shes hurt from the past because she pretty much felt like anytime we went on trips or did things together that I didn't want to be there. She always is consistently bringing up the past no matter what I do.
Now I will say when we would communicate I would get defensive sometimes. Now I would try to plan small things like going to the movies or dinner dates but 9/10 whenever I planned something she usually would be against it and we ended up doing something else. Now I guess the reason for some of my lack of effort in certain aspects was my result of never feeling like I had me time. I'd always put myself last, my job I had at basically the whole relationship before I left was miserable at times, making me stay late, understaffed, always feeling super overworked, as a management employee I went above and beyond at work which I will never do again for another company with poor management above me. I would then come home and spend time with her and try to make up me time at night which would result in me being drained and super tired. I was pretty poor with balance in my life.
Now I have mentally checked out of the relationship probably a couple of months ago and she has to. During our talk I didn't really know what to say because it has been the same talk we always have except she ended up saying she wanted to breakup even though I feel like she didn't want to, now I did try to stay but didn't push the issue because of how miserable I have been. I was putting more effort in but felt like it was useless because she would say to me that she feels like I'm just checking off boxes. Imagine your actually genuinely excited to see someone and they walk around with a stormy cloud on there head after work and say "I feel like you only do these things to check off a box". I can't describe the feeling I get when I'm with her other then it's like she just isn't happy with me and miserable. It's like I can just feel it in the air and over time it's been beating me up mentally.
I also feel like I shouldn't have to sit there and explain what type of man I am and what I have done for her like it's a job interview. I know my worth and all I want is peace. All I hear when we talk is me, me, me, me, me. But I want to talk about how I feel, she brings up the past, and trys to validate the way she feels and her actions and I'm supposed to just take it.
Imagine living with someone who is always just unhappy with you and miserable which in turn makes you miserable as well. She ended up texting me that she loves me and misses me and asked why I didnt fight for the relationship and accepted it. She says shes done chasing me and said I need to man up and try to fix the relationship and she wants to feel like a prize. Now I texted her "go be someone's prize then" and blocked her, before hand she mentioned meeting up as texts can me misconstrued but it's going to be the same thing. I love her deeply but it's hard to fight for someone who makes you feel like they won't have your back. It's also like I'm trying to somewhat do her a favor by letting go which also has been ripping me to pieces. I was thinking of unblocking her and reaching out but now it's kind of awkward as I sent that message and don't know how to go about it. It's been 5 days since I blocked her. I feel bad because I know she's probably hurting and very upset. It's almost like I feel pushed out the door but drawn in, like she has 1 foot in 1 foot out type of thing. Just feels very confusing and the situation is hard. The time away with NC has allowed to somewhat get my thoughts and feelings more organized. Idk what to do.

So I am recently coming off of a 10+ year relationship. We had a talk about 2 weeks ago. For the past 2 years the relationship has been causing mental distress on both ends. She is always telling me how unhappy I make her because of my failure to be a good communicator and that I never plan anything for her and shes hurt from the past because she pretty much felt like anytime we went on trips or did things together that I didn't want to be there. She always is consistently bringing up the past no matter what I do.
Now I will say when we would communicate I would get defensive sometimes. Now I would try to plan small things like going to the movies or dinner dates but 9/10 whenever I planned something she usually would be against it and we ended up doing something else. Now I guess the reason for some of my lack of effort in certain aspects was my result of never feeling like I had me time. I'd always put myself last, my job I had at basically the whole relationship before I left was miserable at times, making me stay late, understaffed, always feeling super overworked, as a management employee I went above and beyond at work which I will never do again for another company with poor management above me. I would then come home and spend time with her and try to make up me time at night which would result in me being drained and super tired. I was pretty poor with balance in my life.
Now I have mentally checked out of the relationship probably a couple of months ago and she has to. During our talk I didn't really know what to say because it has been the same talk we always have except she ended up saying she wanted to breakup even though I feel like she didn't want to, now I did try to stay but didn't push the issue because of how miserable I have been. I was putting more effort in but felt like it was useless because she would say to me that she feels like I'm just checking off boxes. Imagine your actually genuinely excited to see someone and they walk around with a stormy cloud on there head after work and say "I feel like you only do these things to check off a box". I can't describe the feeling I get when I'm with her other then it's like she just isn't happy with me and miserable. It's like I can just feel it in the air and over time it's been beating me up mentally.
I also feel like I shouldn't have to sit there and explain what type of man I am and what I have done for her like it's a job interview. I know my worth and all I want is peace. All I hear when we talk is me, me, me, me, me. But I want to talk about how I feel, she brings up the past, and trys to validate the way she feels and her actions and I'm supposed to just take it.
Imagine living with someone who is always just unhappy with you and miserable which in turn makes you miserable as well. She ended up texting me that she loves me and misses me and asked why I didnt fight for the relationship and accepted it. She says shes done chasing me and said I need to man up and try to fix the relationship and she wants to feel like a prize. Now I texted her "go be someone's prize then" and blocked her, before hand she mentioned meeting up as texts can me misconstrued but it's going to be the same thing. I love her deeply but it's hard to fight for someone who makes you feel like they won't have your back. It's also like I'm trying to somewhat do her a favor by letting go which also has been ripping me to pieces. I was thinking of unblocking her and reaching out but now it's kind of awkward as I sent that message and don't know how to go about it. It's been 5 days since I blocked her. I feel bad because I know she's probably hurting and very upset. It's almost like I feel pushed out the door but drawn in, like she has 1 foot in 1 foot out type of thing. Just feels very confusing and the situation is hard. The time away with NC has allowed to somewhat get my thoughts and feelings more organized. Idk what to do.

TLDR: My boyfriend is amazing, but has depression which makes him constantly upset and irritated with me, making me extremely paranoid and on edge with everything I say because i’m scared he’ll get upset. He keeps saying he’d change, but goes back to how he was, but he is now seemingly making more of an effort to change by changing his medication and going to therapy. I still feel very paranoid and anxious with him even though he is doing better, but i’m worried that in the process of him getting fully better, he’ll go back to how he was, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take. He is an amazing man and I love him so much, but I’m worried I will always feel on edge when I’m with him. Any advice?
Hi! A little backstory, my boyfriend (19M) suffers from depression, and has always taken medication for it since he was younger. Right before we met, he had taken a gap year to focus on his mental health, and got to a point where he went off his medication because he didn’t like how it made him feel (zombie-like). We first met (we technically already knew each other but that’s besides the point)around 4-5 months before he would’ve started college again, and got together around 2 months into being friends. As school came around, he became really scared that he would have to take another gap semesteyear, because even though getting off his medication helped to an extent, he was still struggling with dealing with his mental health. At the same time, he was worried about getting on medication because he told me that he experiences and adjustment period for the first 6 weeks that causes him to become irritable and agitated very easily and have increased suicidal ideation, but even after the adjustment period, irritability would still be a side effect that he had to deal with and manage.
Eventually, when school started, his mental health did become worse, so he decided to get on medication again, and he did go through an adjustment period. It was a struggle- it was hard seeing him very sad and depressed all the time, and I always tried to help him as best as I could- offering to help him get ready in the morning/drive him to school if he couldn’t get out of bed, helping him with assignments, etc.
At the same time, he definitely became constantly agitated with me. If I didn’t hear him say something and asked him to repeat it (although this was also an issue before he started the medication, but i feel like it got more pronounced), he would basically get very clearly annoyed and quiet, barely talking to me or shutting me down with one word responses. If i didn’t text him for a couple of hours (i have adhd and will sometimes forget to text, which i know is reasonable to be upset about, but he would also do the same thing when playing games with friends), or talked just a bit too much (another adhd symptom, which again i understand can get annoying because i can sometimes go on for VERY long), or if i forget something (an item, memory, or something he told me before), or if we have a recurring joke but for some reason just didn’t like it that day, or if i called him on the phone unprompted (which he does to me too, so i didn’t know that was something i couldn’t do) or if i just say any normal thing but for some reason he just didn’t like it that day, i would be met with irritation, passive aggressiveness, and the silent treatment. I would’ve been slightly more okay with it if it was just a few minutes and then he was back to normal, but he would continue like this for HOURS. If we started talking in the evening, and i said something that slightly annoyed him, it was basically a guarantee that he would be essentially silent for the rest of the night. Not only that, but this happened almost every single day.
I’d like to note that he never expressed his irritation in an angry way, or yelled/said harmful things about me/did anything physical, he would just become very quiet, and anything he did say was very clearly in an irritated voice, as well as passive aggressive remarks.
Eventually, I talked about this with him. When i did, i basically completely forgot that his medication was a reason for a lot of what was happening, so when i talked to him about it, I didn’t mention medication at all. He told me that his medication caused a lot of his agitation and at first accused me of not believing that his medication caused side effects/not taking them seriously, but eventually apologized and said that it wasn’t an excuse and that he’d do better, but also said that sometimes i misinterpreted him as upset when he really wasn’t (which tbh i don’t believe, because sometimes if i pointed something out that he did, he’d say he wasn’t upset or annoyed at all, but a day or two later, tell me he was irritated with me).
He did do better for a bit, but after around a month it basically went to the same way it was before. This went on for a few months, I continued to have conversations with him, he continued to tell me he’d do better, and he would be a bit until he wasn’t. To be fair, after the 6 week adjustment period was over, he still was not doing well at all for about another month, and so he increased his medication dose, which made him have another adjustment period, and he did tell me that his biggest concern was how he’d treat me during that time, so I decided to keep being patient until he got his medication under control.
Fast forward a couple of months, and I was seeing improvements- until about 2 months ago. We saw each other a lot more often; before this time, we’d usually see each other 1-2 times a week and we’d have some sleepovers, but in those two months, i’d stay over at his house for 3-5 days a week. During this time, his irritation got way worse. He definitely valued his independence, but would continuously ask me to stay over, it wasn’t like I urged him to let me stay over. Here are some examples of things that happened:

1. before i came over, he told me how he didn’t want to think about making food because he was stressed over schoolwork. I asked him if I could make him something, he told me yes, so I made pizza while he showered. I’ve made pizza several times before, he made it once with me(also, i’ve cooked for years while he only started occasionally baking things when we got together since i liked to cook/bake), and when he came down, he saw the pizza dough was slightly stickier than it looked when he made it with me. He got annoyed and kept asking what I did wrong, and that from now on, i should only cook when he was with me to make sure I don’t mess it up, and then basically became extremely quiet for the next 15-30 minutes. I think he realized he sounded super weird saying this, and tried to turn it into a joke after those 30 minuted, but it made me feel really bad in the moment becsude I only wanted to do something nice for him. By the way, the pizza turned out great- my friend came over to eat with us and told us it was one of the best pizzas she’s ever had.
   
2. These next few are connected: The next day, he was at school, and I happened to not have school that day so I stayed at his house while he was there to rest because I had a really bad headache. Again, the past few days he told me how stressed he was about school, so I wanted to surprise him. I cleaned his room, made pizza sauce for pizza since we had extra dough (he really likes the pizza), and made him cookies because he told me he was craving them a few days before. He took an uber to school (he couldn’t drive yet at this point), and so I also offered to pick him up.
   

* The first thing that happened was he has a mildly confusing alarm system I had to disable before going outside to get to the car. If i didn’t do the steps correctly, the alarm would sound. Basically, I had to disable the alarm, go through the garage door and close it fully, press the button to open the garage, go back inside and press another button tot turn the alarm back on, and go out the garage door while it’s beeping and fully close the door again to stop the beeping. He told me these directions and I followed them, and the beeping continue to happen even after I closed the door. i texted him that I was walking out the garage but there was still beeping, he told me it was okay, but then the alarm went off. I think he thought that I didn’t close the garage door yet, which is why he thought it was okay? But apparently I didn’t wait for him to fully give him instructions (which I was genuinely confused about bc even looking back at the texts now he did), and he got extremely frustrated with me, telling me that because I didn’t properly follow directions, it was now going to call his parents. He kept saying that it was whatever, and that he’d just take an uber, but I apologized profusely and kept telling him that I’d do it right. He texted his mom, and apparently he told me to press the wrong button, and that i need to press a different one instead after going back in through the garage door. In the moment, he kept saying that the other button was still right and always works for him, but later he admitted that he was probably wrong about it. * The second thing that happened isn’t really a big deal, but i’ll still include it. My boyfriend also has anxiety, and is a very big backseat driver. However, backseat driving makes me extremely paranoid and be a worse driver, so it’s just a never ending cycle. I would be following the directions on the GPS, and he would keep telling me the directions as if I can’t see them myself. For example, if i’m about to turn right, he’d would keep repeating “turn right over here” a bunch of times, each one more with more urgency, as if it isn’t what I was already doing. He will pick apart everything I do, and tell me not to talk too much or turn the music up too loud because it would distract me. Again, to be fair, because of my ADHD, I do get distracted easily, even on the road, but it’s usually pretty manageable, and I’m able to talk on the phone/listen to music when driving when I’m by myself. The problem is with him, I get paranoid over what i’m doing, so I get distracted, and I guess that makes it seem like the music/talking is what’s distracting me. Again, when he backseat drives, he also gets extremely agitated/quiet, and he basically continued on like that for the next few hours. * Lastly, when we got home, he was irritated over everything I did. I did leave a bit later than I told him I would because of the things I was preparing (i think i left at 3:15 instead of 3), but I told him beforehand, and he told me to take my time and come anytime I wanted to since I was going out of my way to drive him(be told me this right when I offered to drive him and after I told him i’d be a bit late). When we got home, I told him about what i made and that I cleaned his room, but he got upset because I made the pizza sauce/cookies because he wanted us to do it together. I told him that I would’ve loved to make them together, but just wanted to surprise him because he told me he had a lot of work to do and told me he was craving cookies earlier. He said that he didn’t have as much work anymore, and told me that he thought I knew that because he told me the assignments he need to do (i did know that most of the deadlines were for that day and the day before, but he told me he had some deadlines for a few days after and had told me his whole week was busy, but I guess to him I should’ve know that most of his pressing work would’ve been done that day). He was upset with me again for another few hours, and I tried to tell him there were things we could still do together like assemble the pizza, make something the next day, etc, but he wasn’t having it. Eventually a few hours later he got over it and told me he appreciated that I made him those things, and he was disappointed that we couldn’t do it together, and then mentioned that he was grateful that I cleaned up for him (he didn’t mention it before). 

Several other things happened, but I think that’s enough to somewhat get the picture. The biggest thing that happened though was just a couple of weeks ago. We hadn’t seen each other in maybe 2-3 weeks, and so I was really excited to get to see him. He had an exam that day, so I offered to drive him, and he again said that he didn’t want to worry about making food. The day before he told me he was craving pizza, so yet again I said i’d make it before i came over (starting to think pizza and me driving is cursed). I asked him before if it was okay that I made him pizza, and he said yes, and so we agreed that I would get to his house around 2 (it was maybe 10 am at the time). I bought supplies and started making the pizza. after a while though, I guess he changed his mind about me making the pizza because it took a while. Around 1, I could tell he was getting annoyed. He kept saying that the pizza wasn’t important enough bc i could’ve been at his house already. I finished making the pizza and got to his house pretty early, maybe 5-10 minutes before 2. After that, I was still waiting in the car for another 30 minutes because he was still getting ready, and he got to my car around 2:30. He was still very upset and annoyed with me and gave me the silent treatment. I tried to keep the mood light, but again, he just didn’t say anything. When we were driving, I asked him if he wanted to play music, and what song I should play, but just… complete silence, not even a nod or head shake or anything. For the entire ride he was just on his phone, texting a few friends, and I started to silently cry because I felt so unappreciated. When we got to his campus, he went to a reserved room, but I had to stay in the car because i have a tutoring job that’s online, and had a session at the same time we parked. The person I was supposed to tutor wasn’t there for the session, which was lucky for me because right when my boyfriend left, I started sobbing. When I got out of the car I was still crying as I was walking across the street, and decided to call my friend to take my mind off of everything. Her girlfriend also went to the same college as my boyfriend, and I didn’t know exactly where I was supposed to go, so I called her to help me find where I needed to go. Since we were calling, I didn’t see some texts my boyfriend sent me, but I finally found the room. I was a bit cheered up from my friend but still sad, but wanted to act happy and normal in case he was just randomly in a bad mood and just needed a distraction. When I came in, I was happy to see him and made some jokes, but all he said was “why didn’t you text me” in the most monotone, upset voice. I told him that I was sorry and forgot, would do better next time, and was going to explain that I was on the phone so i didn’t see his texts, but he interrupted me and said something like “i don’t care about you telling me you’re going to do better, just actually do it” in the meanest, irritated tone. It doesn’t seem like a big deal at all, but he has never retorted at me like that before, especially in the way he did. That was my final straw, and I just completely broke down and started crying. He kept asking me to talk to him and tell me what I was thinking, which only made it worse because it was pretty clear as to why I was crying. He comforted me, apologized, and then had to leave for his exam. For the next 4 hours he was in his exam, I was just crying nonstop. When he came back, I was still crying, and he kept apologizing and asked if I was going to break up with him. I told him I wasn’t, and then told him that this happened so often and I felt like no matter what I did, there was something I was doing wrong, and that I felt unloveable. He again apologized a lot and told me he loved me, and later told me that he really wanted to change his medication and get therapy.
A few days later, a similar thing happened, but not to that extent. My boyfriend just got his license and offered to pick me up from one of my exams. I told him I wasn’t sure how long the exam would be, and didn’t want to let him know yet because it could’ve taken very long. I was right- it was supposed to be from 12-3, but I ended up starting later end ending around 6:30. I texted him after I finished, but he told me he wished I would’ve let him know earlier because he wasn’t comfortable driving in the dark yet, which is reasonable. He became very quiet and upset again though, and again, anytime I made conversation, he would shut it down and be really upset. I also told him that I had to move out of my dorm, and so he didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to because it would’ve been a lot of things to haul out. He said that it was okay and that he wanted to see me, and so he came over. When he did, he got upset again because we fooled around for an hour or two instead packing everything up (which he initiated), and then as we started pskcking, he became mean and frustrated again. He kept saying that he just didn’t expect to be moving me out, and that he just wanted to pick me up and go home, even though so told him before that that’s what was going to happen. After everything was packed up and we were in the car, he was still silent and upset but a bit less so. I felt really bad and became quiet, and he told me and i quote: “i’m feeling really anxious to drive this car at night, so can you just act normal”, which felt weird for him to say because I was only acting like that because of he as acting mean. I wanted to get home though because it was pretty late, so I just played some music and acted like my normal self, and that made me feel a bit better. When we got home, he apologized again, and thanked me for being patient with him, and that he’d be getting help soon.
After that, he did become a lot nicer to me. There were things I’ve said which I was sure he was going to get upset over, but he just didn’t at all. Usually, even after he’d apologize other times, he would still get a bit upset with me, but it’d only last a few minutes before he became normal again. This time, he wasn’t upset at all even for the things he’d most commonly get upset about (like me not hearing what he said for example). Hes been this way for around 2 weeks, and had not been getting upset at all, and he said he’s getting therapy soon.
The problem now is, especially because of the last two incidents, I still feel extremely anxious and paranoid when I’m with him. I am constantly on edge because I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing when I’m with him, and it’ll be just like how it has been for the past almost one year.
Looking back at what i just wrote, these instances don’t really seem like that big of a deal, especially compared to how some other people are treated on this subreddit. I think what makes me upset is just how often it happens and how it completely messes up our entire day because he’s just upset the entire time. In the past 3-4 months, I don’t think we’ve ever had a call/hangout where he upset for at least 1-2 hours. I think another thing that really hurts me is that he just acts completely different around me vs anyone else. A lot of the times when I call him, he will get so upset and annoyed so quickly for menial things. He plays games for hours a day, so sometimes when we’re facetime and he wants to play with some friends, he’ll set his camera up so I can watch him play while i do other things, kind of like a youtube video. Whenever we’re on call and he’s upset, and then tells me he wants to play and sets his camera up, his mood instantly changes. His face literally brightens up, and he seems so much happier and talkative. I will sometimes hear his friends on the other end, and they will say/do the exact same things that he gets annoyed at me with, and it just is not a big deal at all, he doesn’t even seem to notice that it happened. Same with my friends- One day, we were planning a trip to the beach, and were supposed to leave around 12 PM. When he came home, he became upset and quiet with me again, and I kept asking him what was wrong and if we’re still going on our trip, but he just ignored me. Finally, at around 6 PM, he was normal again, and then took another hour and a half to get ready, so we ended up leaving at 7:30 PM. My friend was texting me at the same time, so I told my boyfriend to talk to her while I was driving. As we were driving (we were around 15 minutes away at this point), I realized I forgot my license. I asked him if I should turn around, he kept telling me he wasn’t sure, and he was just very upset and annoyed with me, even though judt before we left a whole 7 hours later because he was upset. We drove for an hour before he decided that I should drive back, and I kept apologizing for forgetting my license, and that we could try again tomorrow morning. His mom told us we could go to dinner or something to make up for the day, and I asked him if he wanted to do that, and he just said “why would we do that what would we even eat” in a harsh tone. Again, I tried to keep it light, telling him that I was sorry and we could start fresh tomorrow, and he said that he didn’t want to go to the beach anymore in an upset tone. Again, for half of the night after we came home, he was upset and irritated with me. Later that night, I looked back at. the texts between my friend and boyfriend, and I was in shock with just how different he was acting with me in real life vs how he was acting with her. As he was upset with me, he was texting her with updates, making jokes, and basically just making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal at all that I didn’t have my license. In real life, he acted like I was so stupid for forgetting it, and that it was the worst thing I could’ve possibly done.
I feel like most people who read this might just think he values his independence, and that aim too clingy. I too thought that maybe I just wasn’t giving him his space, especially because I’m his first girlfriend. I will not offer to call/come over as much just to see if I’m the one asking too often and he feels too bad to say no, but when I don’t, he will keep asking me to call him and come over, and ask why I haven’t been talking to him as much/initiates calls or hangouts. He’ll tell me to call more often and hang out with him more often as well. If we hang out, I’ll tell him that I’ll go home for the night and don’t plan on sleeping over, and he’ll keep asking me if I could sleep over or when I could sleep over, and continue to make plans.
Despite what I’ve said, my boyfriend is genuinely the most amazing guy anyone could ever meet. He’s sweet, kind, and thoughtful with genuinely everyone- his parents, my friends, his friends, his professors, everyone. He is an amazing tipper, he goes out of his way to do things for my friends, and anytime i mention the slightest thing he’ll go out of his way to do it for me. For example, in the first month we met, he noticed my backpack and headphones were completely broken, so he bought me a new ones without me saying absolutely anything to him. When I drove him places, he saw that it was difficult for me to look at my phone to follow GPS directions, so he randomly bought me a car phone holder. On my birthday, he made me a card out of the acknowledgement page of the first book we read together, crossed out the authors name, and put my name, and wrote a bunch of sweet, adorable things about me. Because of my adhd, I would constantly forget to chargemy phone/laptop or bring my chargers, and would constantly have no charge on both, so he bought me a pack with 10 of each type of charger, as well as a portable charger. I offhandedly mentioned that I get really carsick, so he bought me dramamine and those carsickness goggles. He bought pads to keep with him just in case I need some, and always carries pepto and advil around because i get headaches a lot and have lots of stomachaches. He helped me move into my dorm, and bought me so many food and supplies even when I insisted that he didn’t. Whenever we go out with my friends, he always covers everything. For my friend’s birthday, everyone was going to chip in to buy her airpods, but he told them he’d cover their part and essentially just bought them for her. He is an insanely hard worker, and I am so proud of him for everything that he’s been through, and he is also just the most fun person to be around. I love him so so much, and I know that a lot of the way he’s acted is because of his depression, and I know that that’s not really him. I visited him yesterday and we had a really good time, but the entire time I kept being really careful with what I said because I was scared of him becoming upset. I’m scared that this anxiety I feel around him will last forever. I want to wait until he has everything under control, but if he becomes the same way that he was before again, I don’t know how much of it I can take. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here- can anyone help me?