Grandmothers for dating

My fiancé (m27) and I (F25) got engaged in October of last year. Our wedding is August of this year. We have always planned on having a small wedding as we are paying for everything ourselves. We also want our wedding to be child free so everyone can relax for the day and because we have a lot of cousins and friends with kids so inviting everyone would increase the head count significantly.
We discussed who we wanted to marry us pretty early into planning and decided it would be nice if my aunt/godmother (f42) would do it, because she made me her maid of honor when I was younger because I was there with her and helped her through her through her cancer treatment. She was ecstatic when we asked her and said yes.
For context, I was very close with my aunt and grandparents on this side of the family growing up. We have drifted apart in recent years since me and my fiancé began dating and I moved out of my parents house at 18 with him. They wrote me letters openly expressing that they were unsupportive off my relationship when I moved out and stated that they “didn’t raise me to be like this” (they didn’t raise me) but we have moved past it in the past few years and started seeing them a bit more (usually once a year at Christmas.)
Anyways, after I sent the save the dates, ( my aunts was addressed to just her and my uncle and not their children since it is a child free event) my aunt texted me asking if her kids were invited. I responded “No, unfortunately, our wedding is going to be child free. I’m sorry!”
Immediately I got a call from my grandmother asking “why I’m doing this to our family.” I tell her our wedding is child free, my intention isn’t to hurt or target anyone. Basically tells me I need to stop being selfish and they won’t be able to come to my wedding because they won’t be able to find childcare. I told her I really hope they’ll be able to find childcare in the next 10 months because I would love for them to be there.
After I got off the phone with her, I texted my aunt apologizing for hurting her or the kids, explaining again that there are going to be no children at the event, and it had nothing to do with them in particular. I didn’t hear back.
I followed up with her 2 more times asking if she still was going to come to the wedding and marry us and I never heard back. I followed up a month later to let her know that because I never heard from her I found someone else to marry us. She called me a few hours later, but I wasn’t able to answer the phone. I sent a text saying we can talk on Saturday. I forgot to call her and she never reached out to me. We have not spoke at all since then.
I sent out my wedding invitations this week and my aunt RSVPed and declined their invitation. She also texted my mom and told her she isn’t coming to my wedding shower. I think it’s totally reasonable to have a child free wedding and to be selfish with who we invite. But maybe I’m missing something? Am I in the wrong for this?

I, 18F, have come to terms with the fact I probably have enmeshment trauma from my mother.
She hid my passport when I was sixteen after I had mutually agreed to go and see my dad because I had not seen him since she left the house two years ago. In the process she made me aware of his affairs, and pornography problem during my ch and has spoken of this frequently. I have basically been her only emotional support, she lacks boundaries and when mt family has mistreat her she will inform me every time and ask me for advice. She had isolated me from my friends on multiple occasions, she would not let me sleep over at their houses or attend their parties, I was going to hold something in my home for my seventeenth and she had cancelled it herself- this was slightly understandable as my grandmother had been ill and my mum had said she was overwhelmed. My mum also damaged other forms of interpersonal relationships, on my very first date, I had got stranded in my dates town after the public transport in the area was down , and my mother told my father not to send me my allowance to get home, and state she would rather have me use a four hour cab service. When she caught wind i had sex for the first time, I didnt even know how I barely speak in the house, she slut shamed me. I had to go to the police privately for a matter and needed my phone scanned, because I was under eighteen I needed her consent and she had cancelled my case because she ‘did not trust the police.’ The household climate will also depend on her mood, from about December to March it became unliveable. Three weeks prior to new years, I had told her that I was going clubbng with my friend on new years. We get to two days before, my mother state that I should spend time with ‘family’ and go to church. On New Year’s Eve she said that she did not give me her blessing and if I left, I would have to find somewhere else to live and I would not be her child. Another instance, I had rearranged plans and decided to go out with another friend, she proceeded to say that I could go out with her and see my grandmother- for context my mother quit her job last year to care for my grandmother as she has demeNatia- and that I was the most selfish person she knew, how could she raise a child so selfish. And this kind of erratic utterance would be pretty regular and intense. I am autistic and when I have had meltdowns in my room, and let her know prior I do not wish to have her come in, she would do anyway and blame me for screaming at her when she invaded my space in that state.
I rarely make my friends aware of my home situation anymore, I have lost many individuals in my life, primarily due to them not comprehending the severity of my home life and just putting it under the bracket of a strict parent. I spend most of my time in my room doing work or engaging with my hobbies alone.
The other week for Mother’s Day we had gone to the theatre with my grandmother, there were three seats and one was quite away from the other two, I preferred the seat away from my mother, but they were still in eye view. Afterwards my mum asked me whether I wanted a relationship like she has with her grandmother, I bluntly responded with no, explained my position and left. I could be the asshole, its not like I don‘t love her, I feel like I have tolerated enough to a point where I do not mind a relationship with distance

throwaway because people follow my main
hello! i’m 18f and about to move across the globe. australia to canada. ive planned this since i was 15/16 and got into my absolute dream uni. my boyfriend 18m is following me after a couple months when he gets a visa.
i guess my issue is working my relationships with others out. i have 6 days until i leave now (i fly out monday night, writing this on tuesday night at work) and am working tonight, thursday afternoon/night and friday during the day. these are already nights where i won’t be able to have dinner with my family (mom, stepdad, brother and stepsisters) so im trying to maximise my time with them. i’ve already had dinners with each of my boyfriends parents and his parents and siblings are invited to a going away party im having on saturday during the day.
i had a bad harassment situation with an ex friend at the end of high school, and had a panic attack a couple months ago that caused me to ghost anyone who had contact with him, so i don’t even know how to contact some friends about maybe seeing them/them coming to the party. i also don’t like big events because historically at my events people end up being selfish and ruining them for me. the only reason i agreed to this is because i know my mom wanted one.
another thing is people are still asking to see me, my boyfriends grandparents wanted to see me on friday, but i had to turn them down because its too close and there is no way im missing dinner with my family on one of the last days i might have it. my dad who i cut off in november 2022 messaged me wanting to see me, but i ignored him because he’s a POS. i’m afraid my grandmother (seeing me at the party on saturday) will push about it.
i don’t understand why people didn’t ask further out from my moving date. i’ve been very clear about the date of my flight for months now and now people want me to give up precious time with my family (especially my mom who i have anxious attachement to). i know it sounds rude. i told my mom about the issue and she agrees that i shouldn’t go to dinner on friday but also thinks i should be “a bit more tolerant”.

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

We’ve been together for 4 and a half years basically. We’ve know each other for 10. Liked each other in high school, life happened, I moved away, she had a kid, found our way back to each other, and ended up having a child of our own 2 years ago. To try and summarize, she feels once our daughter was born, that I got too comfortable and acted as though I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. I worked overnight construction for years, even before we got together, made it to a superintendent position, with a job where I averaged anywhere from 65-80+ hours a week. She was home with the kids, I didn’t make enough to put the kids in daycare, and couldn’t commit to any kind of permanent arrangement to assist her with taking care of the kids so she could work. The goal, since before we got together, was for me to leave my trade, but I made more money doing that, than we would have if we both started entry level jobs, not to mention then having to pay for daycares. I was offered help by my mother who lived out of state to bring me family over there with promises of help so we could make the changes necessary to restructure our life and improve our situation. I got here, worked in my same trade for a few months until the rain season began, and she immediately began her course to become a CNA, then started work as one, and makes decent money. Well she made a friend there, who I honestly can’t stand. I have NEVER told her who she can and can’t see, hang out with, talk to, nothing like that, she’s never given me a reason to doubt her, she has always been a loyal person and very honest. This friend of hers, without spending time on all the details and making this post even longer, tries encouraging my girlfriend to do things or think certain ways that I feel are detrimental to our relationship. Telling her she should start an OF, is one example, and when my girlfriend vented to her about an issue we had, told her that I am a narcissist like every guy she’s been with and to just leave me.
For some context, I forgot our anniversary. I think I’ve forgotten it almost every year, because it wasn’t really a special occasion, we talked about it a few months into our relationship basically saying “hey we’re dating right? Like this is official? What do we tell people if they ask what our anniversary is? Okay cool, sounds good, moving on.” I get it, that mindset was wrong of me. I also procrastinate on things like holidays, birthdays, whatever, and have had some instances where I really should have tried harder to make her feel special and appreciated. I used to do the hallmark movie corny stuff, I used to have a notebook I’d write in when I got home in the mornings while she was asleep about how I loved her, she’s beautiful, I appreciate her, blah blah. One time I set a path from the front door to the upstairs bath with candles, flower petals, where a bath was drawn, with red lights for ambiance and a bath bomb for her. It fell off because the honey moon phase ended, although I feel it lasted a long time, and life events happened that lead to some emotional dry spells on her part where she wasn’t ready to receive affection, her grandmother passing, having a miscarriage far along in our first pregnancy together, her step father dying, and then also the stresses of my job wearing me out, and getting comfortable subconsciously telling myself that even though I don’t always do those same things anymore, she knows I think she’s the greatest and I love her.
I have a bad habit that I’ve been working on for a few months now, where if she’d bring up things that made me nervous to think about or stress me out to plan, I would play too much and not take the situations seriously, and make her not feel heard as a result. I always teased that I don’t believe in legally getting married, that I’d take her to the courthouse and let her change her last name to mine and then we can have a ceremony after. 2 years ago I told her that wasn’t the case, and we finally talked about it where I told her that once our situation is right, in marrying her. I know in hindsight that I should have still placed it as a higher priority, but we never really talked about it further, and she clung to what I’d said before that about us never getting married. When our fighting started getting bad about 2 months ago, and we finally communicated what the underlying root of her unhappiness was, I had a huge perspective change. Some other big events happened, my step father who we lived with overdosed from fentanyl in our basement, and really changed my perspective on life and how quickly things can end and change and blah blah, to where I told her that I don’t want to fight, she is my one, and I want to marry her. She basically took it as me saying it out of fear to get her to stay. I’ve been trying to show her that I want to make the effort she is asking for. That she is as special to me as I say, but now in her mind she is taking an approach of “why did it take 4 years to get to this point.”
I never try to deny responsibility for my actions, I always try to be quick to reflect and acknowledge where I may have been wrong. But now I almost feel like my readiness to say okay I messed up by getting comfortable and not making you feel heard in these situations and everything else I’ve talked about, kind of seems like I’ve only made her feel completely validated in her idea that I have messed up for 4 years and just not appreciated her. I almost want to tell her that yes, I have slowed down and gotten comfortable, but no, there’s are so many examples of times I’ve still shown you how much I cared. I fear doing so will come off argumentative, and give her more fuel to the fire of her friend calling me a narcissist. Side note: she has since stopped getting advice from that friend, because she did come to the conclusion that her friend does not have her best interest, and has seen an uglier side to her as time has gone on, but I feel the seeds of discord have been sown.
I’m so sorry, I hope some of you with good intentions stick through all of this, and I know there’s other context that could help, but I guess I just need some ideas on what to do. 7 weeks ago we started fighting over petty day to day things, 5 weeks ago we finally established her root of unhappiness, 4 weeks ago she said she needed space, 2-3 weeks ago we said we were taking a break, and I feel her feelings of negativity have only grown. I’ve sucked at giving space admittedly, as time goes on I’ve gotten better though I fear damage has been further done by not doing great about accepting her request for space. Idk, we have a child together, I love both of the children like they’re my own blood, I’ve never felt this happy in a relationship (I know I’m young, still) and now that we’re finally hitting our goals with our lifestyle changes and career changes, now she’s finally gotten to this point of giving up.
Do I try giving her space, doing my own thing and seeing if that separation and seeing my positive activities draws her back in? Or has it gone on so long that that’s not going to work? Do I try saying finally “hey I acknowledge my mistakes, but in your attempts to focus on my wrong doings I feel like you’re ignoring all the good things I did and I’d like you to try remembering those? I don’t hit her, cuss at her, our heated fights can probably be counted on 1, maybe 2 hands, I don’t cheat, I provide, I’ve taken care of the kids just about by myself for the past 5 months to give her room to get her new profession down, I cook and clean every night, not to be crass but our intimate life is very good, I know I deliver for her on that account, and I’m someone who is always willing to apologize and adapt and adjust. Any advice that isn’t slanderous to either of us would be awesome, I get at this point that if it’s too late then I need to just start preparing for that eventuality and working on myself, but for the sake of keeping my family together, I want to exhaust all of my options to make this work.

My poor sister. She's my half sister, and she was unfortunately raised by nMom/egg donor. I was raised by my father and learned to spot egg donor's crap early in life. My sister was not as lucky. nMom had a solid 20 years to fully brainwash her and control the narrative and she's only just coming out of it now.
I was forced to move in with nMom, her husband, and their two kids when I was a teenager and my sister and I really bonded. I started "pranking" her by picking up her phone whenever she put it down and changing the language to one we don't speak, then putting it back. nMom thought it was funny until sister successfully used my "prank" as a reason to keep her phone locked, and not share the passcode with anyone as I proved I could watch over their shoulders and get the code that way. I was kicked out shortly after sis started questioning egg donor on some things, I went NC, and the world went back to how nMom wanted it. Sis and I lost touch.
Fast forward to now and sis is also NC with our egg donor and in a very healthy relationship with a nice man who convinced her to go to therapy. We reconnected. And started talking about the lies, specifically the ones nMom told sis and others that are so easily disproved.
nMom lied about her blood type. Who does that? She desperately wants to be or have a special medical case and told my sister she was AB- because she heard somewhere it was the rarest type. Sis and both have health problems, so between the info our doctors got from us and us knowing our own blood types and our fathers' blood types, nMom couldn't have AB- blood, unless she adopted or stole us. Since we both look identical to her and each other, we're pretty confident she just lied to sis. For some fucking reason. (We also called her father to confirm. She's O+)
Sis was told that my father cheated on nMom and that caused their divorce. They split because my father caught her cheating, which resulted in a child. The date (and result) of the paternity test and their divorce pretty clearly states what happened.
nMom tried to spin a story about her not getting custody of me because everyone ganged up on her and she had no choice. I showed Sis how to find court records from my hometown online and she found the dates nMom was in jail for kidnapping me and neglecting the affair baby, who was later taken away by the state and adopted out. The custody case for me ended with nMom voluntarily signing away all rights to me to avoid more jail time.
Apparently nMom also tried to claim that she voluntarily gave up Affair Baby as a teen mom and then got pregnant with me and married my father. I'm a little speechless at this one, but I guess she wanted to paint herself as a tragic victim who did the right thing for her daughters by giving one up and letting my dad take me. The truth is I'm the baby she got pregnant with as a teen, and she and my dad divorced because of Affair Baby, who was born 18 months after me. Affair Baby was removed from her custody due to neglect. I'm not sure how she hoped to keep this lie up.
Sis wasn't even told about Affair Baby until nMom randomly mentioned it to a friend in front of Sis and tried to spin the above story. Sis was 12 at the time and shocked. nMom fed her a ton of lies about the situation. I've put her in contact with the woman Affair Baby grew into via social media (she has a lovely family; we chat once or twice a year) so that's getting worked through.
When sis started dating, nMom's version of a sex talk was to horrify her with tales of nMom being bullied in school because she was pregnant. She persevered and graduated just in time to have me and/or Affair Baby, but it was hard and sis should learn from her mistakes and be smarter. I don't talk to our grandmother, but sis was able to reach out and grandma confirmed nMom dropped out of high school to marry my father and have me.
There's a lot more, but one that was really hard for us both to get through was The Night I Left. nMom told Sis I just left for no reason and they didn't hear from me again for years. Truth is, nMom kicked me out on my birthday because I caught her in a lie and called her out on it. And, as I later found out, she'd heard Sis asking me if she could go with me when I moved out. nMom convinced Sis I just didn't want Sis moving in with me so I'd moved out and ghosted them all. I was homeless for 2 months.
It was a very long, exhausting conversation to have with my sister. In the end she burst into tears and said "Sis... I think my whole life has been a lie."
She's got a hard journey ahead of her, and helping her through it is stirring up some stuff I thought I'd gotten over by now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Me (23F) and my boyfriend (27M) have had quite the untraditional relationship from its very start and I think it's starting to show in the form of resentment.
I want to preface this by saying this is my first Reddit post so please bear with me and any mistakes I may make in creating this post.
Anyway, my boyfriend and I met a 2.5 years ago on a dating app in November of 2021 and had four wonderful months together before he landed his first job fresh out of college with no consideration as to how it would affect our relationship or how I would feel about it. Upon hire, this job told him he would be working 2 weeks on with 2 weeks off and so on. Ever since the start he was always gone for a minimum of a month at a time with not even a week off between hitches. This severely limited our time to grow together as a new couple. At first, I was okay with it, ever happy for him, but as time progressed I quickly became lonely. I expressed this to him for many months but he never had the courage to confront his boss about their original agreement and how it had never been upheld. I should also mention that this job required him to work 6pm-6am 7 days a week. I usually worked 6am- 2pm while going to school and even after I graduated college. That being said, we rarely ever got to talk while he was away because one of us would be sleeping while the other working.
He lived in a small house by himself at this time and had no roommates. I had my own apartment just a couple minutes down the road. Because of him being gone all the time, I offered to start checking up on the house during the summer (2022) while he was away to make sure it was being maintained and not broken into or anything. Me, being the person I am, couldn't help but see the grass overgrown, the house dirty, etc., and not do anything about it. So, as a loving girlfriend, I would do a great amount of work maintaining the house in his absence. I even went above and beyond one week and spent 10+ hours a day deep-cleaning the house from top to bottom as he and his roommates had left it quite filthy, if you can imagine with it being a boys' college house. (Yes, I know that sounds crazy but part of me was hoping one day I would live there and couldn't imagine doing so in the condition it was in.)
Fast forward to December of 2022, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. He still had the same job which had put a huge strain on our relationship, but part of me hoped this would help put us back on track.
I moved in, of course, and things progressively got worse. I finally told him I couldn't stay with someone who was never even around to be with and he finally got a new job this last March (2024). This job was supposed to be remote with him going out in the field 5% of the time and always having weekends off. This was great until the job started running out of work for him. They started offering to send him away to other states like his old job did for work only this time he wouldn't tell me until a day or two in advance and I'm never sure when he'll be back. Going on these trips also aren't a requirement for him but rather ensure he gets a minimum of 40 hours a week.
Fast forward to now, over a year later, and I feel stuck. I have told him time and time again that I can't keep living in this house like a live-in maid. We split all the bills equally and yet he's the one always away only ever working while I'm working full-time, taking care of our 4 pets, maintaining the house (cleaning, yard maintenance, fixing all the broken things that come with an old house, making improvements, etc) and always having so much weight on my shoulders that prevent me from being able to ever sit down and relax or have time to myself.
To top things off, I recently lost my grandmother, my dad has been in and out of the hospital, and I got a new job that I have no experience for so it's ALL brand new to me and a lot to learn. Needless to say, my plate is always full while he just has to wake up, go to work, go to bed, repeat. And when he comes home he does next to nothing. I have to beg him to help me with things around the house or to fix things and even then it rarely ever happens.
Intimacy in our relationship is next to nonexistent, he forgot my birthday last year, never shows affection, or does small things for me like buy me flowers or things to show his love for me, etc. I feel like I'm dating a ghost that I no longer have any attraction towards and am even building resentment for.
So, in a long-winded way, what do I do? I need help or advice as to what I should do. I feel stuck but can't move out because it's too expensive and there are no places available to rent within my budget that allow pets. I thought about moving back home temporarily but I JUST started this new job a month ago. Part of me wants to make it work, but part of me doesn't and I am tired of wrestling with myself for the last year. So, I need your guys' thoughts on my situation.
Comment any questions and I will do my best to answer them. Thanks in advance :)

Hi, all! I’m so closed off and guarded since the loss of my grandmother who raised me. I’ve never felt this way before. The last massive loss I had was my grandfather (her husband) over ten years ago. Back then I wanted to be surrounded by people. I couldn’t stand being alone. I attached to my grandmother even more than before. At one point I was even dating just to fill the void. I stopped that after a few months and went to grief counseling.
Now since losing my grandmother it’s like I reject opening up, vulnerability, and new people. I’ve developed feelings for someone new for example and I’m terrified of it. It triggers me constantly. Before her loss I was the most open hearted person, wanting to spread love to anyone who would take it. Looking at who I’ve become since her loss, I don’t know myself anymore. It genuinely makes me sad. I want to open my heart again. I know my grandmother would want that too.
Is closing yourself off like this normal?
Sidenote- I am in grief counseling right now and trying to work on this.

Hi, all! I’m so closed off and guarded since the loss of my grandmother who raised me. I’ve never felt this way before. The last massive loss I had was my grandfather (her husband) over ten years ago. Back then I wanted to be surrounded by people. I couldn’t stand being alone. I attached to my grandmother even more than before. At one point I was even dating just to fill the void. I stopped that after a few months and went to grief counseling.
Now since losing my grandmother it’s like I reject opening up, vulnerability, and new people. I’ve developed feelings for someone new for example and I’m terrified of it. It triggers me constantly. Before her loss I was the most open hearted person, wanting to spread love to anyone who would take it. Looking at who I’ve become since her loss, I don’t know myself anymore. It genuinely makes me sad. I want to open my heart again. I know my grandmother would want that too.
Is closing yourself off like this normal?
Sidenote- I am in grief counseling and trying to work on this.

I met this guy on an online dating site just under a year ago and it started great don’t get me wrong but it always starts off great with new people. Before he and I got together I was cheated on in my previous relationship and it genuinely wrecked me especially finding out that my ex admitted to not loving me for 2 out of 3 years we were together but kept me around because I took care of him when he started having heart problems, mentioning my ex is important I promise. Moving back to the main topic person I was talking to his sister in law so I could get to know her and her me to try and build a connection. She told me that he has some anger issues but he hasn’t had any outbursts in a few years and that he means well he and his brother are exactly the same on that. A few months later he starts talking about how his ex’s were and how they were either mentally or emotionally unstable. One day there was a fight between him, his brother and grandmother. When I wouldn’t get in the middle of something that clearly was not my business he turns to me and says he wished he ex was here instead since she would’ve actually done something and if I wanted to leave this was my “way out”. He repeats this a few more times on separate occasions. Flash forward it’s New Years he’s picking me up from work and things are better we were communicating about whatever was bothering us then the 2nd of January I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me I’m boring him intimately so I said okay that hurt my feelings let’s break up. I started talking to this other guy who seemed perfect but ghosted me so in a mess of emotion I regrettably hooked up with the guy before. Call me stupid I know especially for this next part I’m now pregnant with his kid. I of course told him since I was constantly sick and that thought never crossed my mind and he jumps to us being together. This goes on for a month until he starts talking about how HE wants the kid to be raised and how HE wants the baby to take his last name and his family names not even letting me get a word out. Here’s were its getting to my initial question, he has a history of heavy drug and alcohol use and has it set in his mind that he and I will be married and living together for the sake of the child. I confided in him when I found out my former employer is telling customers that I left because of my pregnancy and how I found out. He started saying he doesn’t like the people I talk to and I shouldn’t be talking to them. Having dealt with someone telling me this before I had the feeling I needed to break things off now before it got way too late and papers got signed. I genuinely don’t want to be with this person but he said he won’t be involved with the baby unless he “has me”. I feel like I was right to leave yes my baby needs a father but I don’t want my baby to have their life controlled. What do you guys think, regardless I’m not getting back with him I’d prefer to be alone for a while I just want to know people opinions on this.

My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for nearly 7 years now. I am originally from New York, but I moved to South Carolina with my family in middle school. When we were 19, my boyfriend and I bought a house together in South Carolina and hope to own more properties in the future.
My parents moved back up to New York last year and are now offering to let us stay with them rent-free to build up some savings so we could buy another house in NY. I thought it was a great opportunity to get a step further in achieving our goals. In addition, I deeply miss my family (we’re extremely close) to the point where it has been putting a toll on my mental health. Also, my only friends live in NY. Basically, my whole social circle is in NY, but my boyfriend’s family and friends are still here in SC, and he has a pretty good job here.
We have been planning the move for a year now (we are supposed to move next month) but now that the date is approaching he’s getting cold feet. He keeps bringing up that staying in South Carolina wouldn’t be so bad, and even saying I’m selfish for wanting him to move to New York where he doesn’t know anyone. Some of our discussions have gotten pretty heated because his sudden switch has alarmed me. I don’t want to drag him across the country if he doesn’t actually want to go. His reasoning for calling me selfish is “I’m not willing to do the same for him”—because I’ve stated at this point I’m not willing to stay in SC. Partly because I’ve already got a job lined up in NY.
I know how hard it is to not have anyone, but I can’t sacrifice my mental health much longer, I don’t have a support system outside of him. How should I approach this topic with him? Am I being selfish?
Tl;Dr: My boyfriend believes I’m being selfish for wanting us to move close to my family.
———-
More context:
I should also add that my boyfriend’s younger brother plans to rent our house from us. My bf’s parents sold their family-sized home and moved into an apartment. My bf’s brother is living with their grandmother until we are all moved out.
My parents have also renovated their basement into an apartment for us to stay in.
All of this to say—this has been a plan set in place for a while now. There are multiple people that have changed things in their life on account of us moving.

https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bykm11/anaia/
https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bxzqi4/siste
About a month ago, I posted two separate posts on this subreddit about my younger sister, Anaia, who passed away on March 17th, 2024. In one post I gave photos, and in the other I wrote about her addiction, but I don't think I've really talked about myself.
It has been nearly two months since my little sister passed away, and I wouldn't describe it as grueling or depressing, just unusual. On April 22nd, it was confirmed to my family that Anaia died as a result of fentanyl toxicity, which was the reason I always assumed but to have it confirmed was very depressing. Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house and there were a few copies of Anaia's death certificate, in the onset interval to death section, I said minutes. When talking to my mother (me and my parents talk all the time, my dad sits in my room and plays games while we talk about Anaia or something random, and me and my mother will talk about random things as well as Anaia too.), she told me her perspective of that morning. Long story short, around 11:45AM, I woke up to my mother screaming my sister's name and she soon realized she was unresponsive, me and my father woke up soon after and I called 911, and that's the short version. I assumed my sister was in her covers sleeping and fentanyl overrid her system, but no, my mom told me that when she walked into Anaia's room, she was laid flat out on top of all of her covers, arms outstretched to the side. Learning that was a major shock to me, and I'll explain why.
Sure, Anaia's death was nearly instant. But hearing the details of what my mom said really drove him that once it happened, it didn't matter whether we went into there at the right time or later, there was likely nothing that could've been done. From my understanding, it was almost as if she was up one second and collapsed the next. There was dried vomit on clothes next to her bed, making me assume that after vomiting, she just collapsed instantly after and died. After calling 911, my mother demanded out of fear for me to help her perform CPR, and I didn't hesitate to do so. But, anyone in that situation could tell, with no details given, that there was nothing that could've been done. The typical signs of a deceased body were very present, and even I (doing the mouth resuscitation) knew that if I felt no air coming back onto me, and touching her neck didn't give a pulse, I quickly understood that this was it, like there was nothing me or my parents could've done. When the paramedics arrived at 12 exactly, it took them a minute or two for them to tell us that there was nothing to be done, and ultimately, Anaia had died long, long before we got to her. They said roughly 6-8 hours, meaning at the earliest 3am, and at the latest 5am. It's a disheartening fact for him, and even my father expressed to me too a few nights ago, but we wished that at least there was a chance for us to get to her beforehand. Maybe if he and I or my mom went into her room for no real reason in the middle of the night, we would've been able to save her. What really struck me when my dad was telling me that was him acknowledging that while he and my mom were watching TV, he couldn't bare to imagine that simultaneously Anaia was dying. I felt the same way, I was awake around 3-3:30AM, and if she died during that time, I was totally unaware scrolling through my phone.
I wish that there was something to be done. During her time alive, and when she started doing street dealt percocets, I warned her about fentanyl, and ultimately I wish she had heeded my warning and stayed off them when she did quit in December. I'm a sociable person, and I'm one of those people that have a wide different variety of groups and friends I hang out with, and I may not be in extracurricular activities but even those that are popular in my school know me. As a result of being so sociable, I know people that do drugs, and only a set few who do percocets, one of my closest friends used to be a heavy percocet user and I used to tell her as much as I did my sister to quit. My friend and my sister quit, but one returned and one didn't. One is still here, and one is not. It doesn't matter how many people I told not to do percocets, of course I would've wanted my sister to be the one to really listen to me. But ultimately, the person I wanted to save the most didn't make it. I've saved others, but with my sister, it almost made my words feel like nothing after she died. No matter however many times I told her to please find something less dangerous and more beneficial, to not risk her life, she kept using and lost her life. Said friend and two other friends of my sister (I know both of them) were also at some point active percocet users, and they told me that they felt it like it should've been them, seeing my mother made them see that that could've been their parents, their siblings, their friends and relatives, etc. I told them bluntly that it in fact could've been them in Anaia's position, I told them that just because Anaia's clock stopping running doesn't mean there's has to, they can avoid being in her position. Then it got me thinking, there's plenty of other people who overdose on purpose, who overdose 9 times, who overdose and suffer long term effects like paralyzation, but still remain. Anaia overdosed once, and that was the final time. I believe in God and Jesus but I'm not a preacher, I believe and keep it pushing but I'm not religiously based. I believe in the concept of everyone having a time and a date, but sometimes I find myself questioning that if that's the case, are we just here to live a predetermined fate that we have no control over? At the end of the day, was I meant to go through this? Thinking like that plagues my mind, but I settle for it being her time to go, as seeing other drug users made me wonder what they may be here to prove on earth that Anaia could not. I don't like questioning others' lives and why they get to live longer, that's not me, and I'm glad they've been granted more chances, it just sucks my sister wasn't granted that chance in the grand scheme of things. Predetermined or not, there was so much she could've lived for, but I believe there's a reason time can't be reversed, and there's many unexplained miracles that somehow eases me into thinking that I shouldn't throw myself into a hole of questioning why she didn't get a chance, and just accepting that her race ended earlier than mine. I believe things happen for a reason, it's an insensitive statement depending on the situation, but things happen for people to learn and grow from them, but no one really knows why. I've just had to come to the conclusion hat my sister is okay, she's safe, and I have no reason to continue to question her life and worry about her if she's not here with me anymore, you feel?
From a brother perspective, it sucks. It feels somewhat lonely, to live and breathe as an only child. I've become accustomed to being an older brother to a younger sister, but I turned 16 without her, and that's how it'll be for the rest of my life. At her visitation on March 30th, I didn't cry, but seeing her body just made me shake my head. She looked very nice, the funeral home did an amazing job, but it hit me that this was really her. There were distinct things I saw that she had in life that made me come to that conclusion that that was what was left my little sister, and at the funeral + burial the next day, watching her being lowered into the ground left my head empty. No thoughts, she watching as her casket covered in a white sheet was lowered into the ground, and that'd be it. I grew up with this person, and now I have to look down on this person and go through life without this amazing person. I never imagine something like this happening, especially not like this. I always wanted to die first because I was older, a thought I feared ever since I was a child. That didn't get to happen, and milestones man. She'll never get to graduate the year after me, never get to have that lovely relationship with that special one that she always wanted, she never got to be an aunt, a mom, nothing. One day, I hope to have children and I will tell them about Anaia, but do I wish they'd have been able to meet her if that time came. Everyday, I walk past her room, sometimes I go in there and sometimes I don't. Two weeks after her death, her mattress was taken out by me and my dad's friend, up until a few weeks ago, her room was left scattered the way it was when she died minus the mattress, and now, everything has been cleaned up. It's empty, and the emptiness is another reality check. I'll never see Anaia again, and in the potential next life I believe I will, but the fact I can't now is a hard concept to grasp. No more walking to the bus stop, no more barging into her room or vice versa, no more waiting forever for her to complete her makeup, no more random room hangouts, no more of her asking me to flash a light for her Instagram pictures for an excruciating ten minutes, none of them. Her physical presence is gone, I come home everyday and instantly the thought of her being gone hits me. Riding in the car with my parents, being at school, going out, it doesn't feel the same knowing in the back of my head she's gone, no matter how much fun I have. Regardless, I've returned to normal life, matter of fact, I started going to school every day instantly after the funeral, and during the two weeks of March 17th-March 31st, I showed up to school here and there. It didn't take a toll to do so, because I've accepted that though Anaia died, I'm still alive? I don't stop when she does, that'll have more of an effect. Life still goes on, time doesn't stop for no one no matter how much I may want it to. I honestly sit my current happiness at like a 6.5-7, higher than one may expect. I still have my parents, my friends, and all of my relatives, an important chunk is just missing but I still have my people. I only feel alone in the sibling aspect, but in reality, people make me happy everyday and still continue to. I joke how I've always joked, people have said I look much better than how I did initially, there's notable sadness on my face, but I look happier. If that's true, then I hope it stays that way. I still go out to these afterschool events, outside friend hangous, they bring joy. I just miss my sister 25/8, but I've learned to appreciate life just a little bit more now. If she's okay, I'm okay.
Lastly, I wanted to mention dreams. People say they have dreams of deceased loved ones all the time, I personally haven't yet, would like to, but until then that hasn't been the case. I'm not talking dreams with the person in them, I mean direct communication dreams. My mother has had two, my dad's friend has had one, and my close friend mentioned earlier has had one, but the one that sticks out the most is my little cousin's dream. My mom has a younger sister herself and in 2018, she had her first child, his nickname is JP. During 2021-2022, me and Anaia lived with my grandmother due to losing our apartment (our parents stayed separately at a grouphome my dad worked at, they work for my grandmother's company), and my aunt as well as JP stayed with my grandma. JP essentially became me and Anaia's little brother that we didn't have, and vice versa for him, he sees me and Anaia has his older siblings. Seeing him seem so heartbroken after Anaia died was very sad, as you can see written on this five-year-old's face that Anaia was someone who truly mattered to him and he was so sad about it. However, in his dream, Anaia came to him and told him she loved all of us, that she regretted not seeing him grow older, and that what happened to her was an accident. The part that got me was that Anaia told him that where she was was beautiful, he asked to see it, and she told him he couldn't see it yet. Kids just don't make things like that up in my opinion, and he worded it very detailed for a kindergartener, and JP is at the age where his words don't conflict with other things he's said, he's consistent with it and he tells me the same thing he told me the first time when I ask him here and then. He can see it one day, but he can't see it, not yet. What that tells me is that if life is so hard, death must be so beautiful afterwards, and that there is an afterlife. Even if I believed in a separate religion, or if my current religion isn't the truth, I will always believe in an afterlife. I refuse to believe that this world is it, and kids just don't pull stuff out their butt in a serious situation. I believe him. If that's the case, then I'll gladly wait. It doesn't matter how many people die during my lifetime, whatever remains of it, and how many new people I might meet in my life. If my hope of living to elder age and I meet someone and create a family, and even if said wife and or children die before me if that plan does happen, there's only one person I wish to greet me. I hear that people see a loved one before they die, and I hope Anaia is the one that comes to see me when it's all over. Forever, no matter who else passes before me, Anaia's will stay the worst, the most impactful, and that's a strong statement to make but I'm sure of that. I have plenty of goals I have for myself, but my end goal once the others are done is to get past 70, pass peacefully, and have my sister wait for me there. I hope that wouldn't be much to ask for.
That's it.

SOME BACKGROUND:
I'm going to be upfront; the one thing truly stopping me from saying I am autistic with full certainty is my lack of an official diagnosis, despite having the knowledge that one does not need to be diagnosed to be autistic. I'm almost entirely certain after about 8 or so years of consideration. I'm attempting to seek a diagnosis not only for personal validation though, but also to have something concrete to give to my parents. For now, I consider myself self-diagnosed, though I've given my psychiatrist a 20 page document detailing why I believe I would benefit from a proper evaluation as well as all of the experiences and the collection of traits I have that I attribute to being autistic.
For some background: I am 20 and AFAB, transmasc but presenting as female due to not being out of the closet. I am Vietnamese and part of the first generation in my family to be born in America. My parents and grandparents were born and raised in Vietnam, and thus were raised with a very different culture surrounding things such as mental health and disability compared to the information I've had access to growing up in the US. I still live with my parents and am struggling with already diagnosed mental health issues including major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, unspecified ADHD, and an unspecified trauma disorder. Because of the language and cultural barrier, my parents are really only aware of the depression in name, and the ADHD they understand even less. They are trying their best, though my dad hasn't looked at any of the resources I've sent him about ADHD or autism in my attempts to help him understand better.
On my dad in particular: he has always been the kind to believe in toughing things out and simply trying harder. Over the years he has grown to be more understanding, especially as my mental health issues grew to degrees that became harder to hide, but we have a history in terms of what I'm about to describe re: my very recent meltdown.
WHAT HAPPENED:
The day before Mother's Day, my dad sprung up on me without warning that me and my younger brother were going over to our paternal grandparents' house to wish our grandmother a happy Mother's Day. This immediately upset me not because I didn't want to go, but because I hadn't had the time to mentally prepare myself for the shift in my routine—I had only done so for the actual date of Mother's Day. I've asked my family before that I am told ahead of time when plans to go out of the house where I'm involved are made, preferably at least a day beforehand. Unfortunately, my family is comprised of very spontaneous people who tend to make plans on the fly.
I made it clear I was fairly upset about not being told ahead of time to my mother, who thanked me when I got up to get ready to go. Something about being thanked for this was the final nail in the coffin for the upset that was gripping me. I think it was the idea that she knew full well that I was attempting to set aside my own comforts(? for lack of a better term) for the sake of family normality; something that I've had to do often.
I had a quiet breakdown in the bathroom while I washed myself, which came with the annoyance of how snotty tears would make you. Very annoying when bowing your head to wash your hair. I've had practice locking myself in the bathroom to have my breakdowns in a private place where I couldn't be walked in on and then questioned, because I always knew that I could never explain why I was having such a disproportionate reaction, especially given the cultural barrier. It would all seem stupid, immature, selfish, spoiled, and an overreaction. My plan was to cry it out in the shower and come back out after composing myself so we could leave. Tried and true method. I bit the back of my hands—to stifle my crying, to give myself a physical sensation to ground myself with, some combination of those two. It helped only a little bit.
As it turns out, there was a lot of baggage behind this upset outside of just this one incident. There is a very long-running pattern in which I must sacrifice my comfort or suck up my complaints in order to appease whatever my parents have decided to do, or whatever I was expected to do.
Sometimes it was their obsession with taking billions of family pictures—I vividly recall one instance where I was horribly upset about having to wear a dress, especially for the sole sake of driving to some flower field just to take pretty family pictures of which we have thousands. I was much younger at the time, maybe 14, and was expressing my upset in the only somewhat acceptable way I could, i.e. being incredibly grumpy. Eventually my dad blew up at me for being spoiled and various other things while I cried in the back of the car, my mother and younger brother dead silent. He drove to cool off. We did not talk about it ever again afterward.
Sometimes it was school-related. When I was around 11, I was struggling to complete an assignment for school for reasons I couldn't articulate, and honestly still can't. It was simple, and it was a drawing assignment, and I absolutely adored traditional art. But I was simply Stuck on some part, and was working myself into an anxious mess up until midnight. I was terrified of getting bad grades, of not meeting the expectations of people I considered authority figures, such as teachers. So much so that I wanted to stay home. And knowing I had no "proper" excuse, I tried to use a different one when I asked to stay home for that one day: menstrual cramps. I was told to see how I was doing in the morning.
In the morning I still said I wished to stay home from school due to cramps. After a lot of deliberation with my mother, she relented and allowed me to stay home. Despite the fact that I had gotten what I wanted, I was already horribly upset. Looking back on it, I think it was the fact that I had to fight so hard to stay home for just one day. It was upsetting that my visible upset wasn't enough. It was upsetting that they weren't just getting it.
I had a breakdown in the bathroom (there's a trend here as you can see) and slammed my arm against the heater in there so many times that I ended up with horrible bruising on the back of my arm the days after. My family members knocked on the door because people needed to get ready, and that only made me more upset—couldn't they hear me crying? Didn't they care? When I finally came out and crawled up into the upper bunk, my dad came in and started yelling at me.
Your average stuff, things like, "If I had a stomachache I wouldn't just be able to not go to work." I blocked a lot of it out of my memory, but most of the time I was under the covers crying while he engaged in a one-sided shouting match with me. Eventually my mother came in and gently asked me to stop crying, and to stop making my father mad.
While these two incidents and the others like them happened years ago, they were defining moments in my life and inform how I handle conflict (as in: I don't) and how I go about expressing my struggles (as in: rarely, and often with great shame). Standing in the shower and being unable to not think about these things, I spiraled further. It felt like I was being swallowed by my emotions. I don't know if angry or sad or upset really capture what I was feeling properly. My thoughts were like a car with its brakes cut, going at breakneck speeds on the highway.
By the time I was done with my shower I still wasn't composed. As it turns out, when you abuse a coping mechanism that relies on repression as long as I did, it stops working at some point. There was just too much to try and hide. More hand biting happened along with some hitting my head with my fists. So I sat in my room, and eventually my mom came in and saw my face. Unsurprisingly she didn't acknowledge the fact that I had clearly been crying—instead, with a soft voice, like she was coaxing a small child into doing something vaguely unpleasant, she told me, "Come on, let's go." And I'm sure that's how she was seeing me at that point. An oppositional, defiant child. I struggle not to see myself in that way, and still have been trying to unpack how much shame I feel when things like this happen.
My crying started up again because my tear ducts really don't like listening to me, and I asked somewhat incredulously, "You're still going to make me go?" In retrospect, it probably sounded bratty. Here I was, 20 years old, complaining about being "made" to go somewhere.
It took maybe a couple of seconds for my mom to decide to just let me stay home instead.
Once everyone was out, I had the loudest cry I'd ever experienced in my life. I'd never had the opportunity to, and so it just kind of... came out once the house was silent. I think I might've wailed. And then I promptly shut the hell up once I heard my [maternal] grandmother coming back upstairs. She passed by my room, asked why I didn't go (not noticing the state of my face, maybe due to eyesight). I gave a non-answer and she made some exasperated remark that I don't know how to translate into English. It nearly set me off again, knowing how inconvenient I was, how tired they all were of me and my antics.
I had a headache for the next 20 or so hours, which I knew would happen based on past experiences with breakdowns as emotionally taxing as this one. I'd also predicted during the whole thing that the next day I would be pretty nonfunctional, which I was unfortunately also right about. Whenever these things happen it throws my entire week off. It's upsettingly debilitating. Two days later, I'm somewhat functional, but the whole thing disrupted my... everything. I have an exam that I had planned to study for during the days I was busy trying to get myself back together emotionally. The headache actually came back, and is sitting with me nicely while I type this. Hey there.
The day immediately after, Mother's Day: I was pretty fearful the entire time. Mostly of what my dad was going to do. Best case scenario, he'd come into my room and we could have an open dialogue and communicate about what happened. Worst case scenario, he'd regress and revert back to how he'd been like years ago, screaming at me for my incompetence, my selfishness, my refusal to cooperate with the smallest things despite all our family does for me. After a little bit I had to add on a third possibility: that he would simply go about like nothing happened, which he has also done before. Generally though, I wasn't optimistic about my chances here. I learned through this that I absolutely don't trust him to handle my larger, more intrusive, more ugly issues with grace.
He's been ignoring my existence since my little meltdown. No hellos, good mornings, not even looking at me. He's talking with everyone else as normal. I've been keeping my head down and can really only assume that he's angry with me as I'd expected and based on what I know about him/understand in terms of his personality through prior experience.
While I could give benefit of the doubt and say he may be attempting to give me space, he's the kind of person who you can tell when he's angry. It's something we share. And it's truly more likely that he's upset about me throwing what looked to him like a shitfit over something small and inconsequential, refusing to do something as simple as a visit to make his mothemy paternal grandmother to give Mother's Day gifts. And I didn't get my propensity for avoiding communication and unpleasant conversations at all costs from nowhere, so. Here we are.
I still don't really know if what I had was an autistic meltdown or a "standard" emotional breakdown, whatever that even looks like. I think I'm used to framing my behaviors with neurotypical language, and often language that isn't too kind to myself. So on top of venting a bit, I also wanted to get an outside perspective, and see whether my breakdown sounded similar to any other autistic peoples' experiences with meltdowns.
If there's any advice out there to give in terms of my relationship with my dad, that would also be appreciated. I love my family, but it all hurts, and this has also made me realize that I may have a lot more trauma to unpack surrounding my family than I've acknowledged.
I've been considering getting a physical copy of Sincerely, Your Autistic Child to annotate and highlight certain sections, putting sticky tabs on chapters I find relevant, and providing definitions for words I know he hasn't come across before, to give to him and ask him to at least attempt to read those bits. The more bitter and angry part of me, the part that are tired of having to be the one to accommodate for everything interpersonally, just wants to go up to him and tell him the reason I never go to him when I'm upset is because I'm scared. To tell him exactly what all those times he yelled at me did to my ability to self-advocate, to tell him what all those times my emotions and emotional well being were devalued did to my self-esteem. That the "interpersonally submissive" phrase from my 40 page psych report has roots in the way he raised me entirely on obedience, and how I am still learning that I am allowed to say no in all sorts of contexts. Maybe I can do both of these things, and probably when he isn't pretending I don't exist, and when I feel less like I'll fall to bits the moment I open my mouth in his direction. I'll likely try and avoid using language that outright blames him for the sake of maintaining a good relationship whenever the talk comes around.
I'm still trying to accept the fact that I might need more support than I allowed myself to think. I only recently found out that truly voicing that I'm having academic trouble is something that brings me so much shame that tears spring up in my eyes—going to the Disability Support Services office on my campus made me far more emotional and nervous than I'd expected. With how I'm navigating my own self-acceptance, I don't know how I'm going to get my family to accept that I'm not the "normal" child I know they still wished I was.

His ex sent me this message. Sorry it’s so long! Has anybody else gotten a similar message in the past? How did you react?
Message below: “It’s been over a year of me wondering whether I should just come out and ask you or message you… but being afraid that if I do, and I’m wrong, it’ll be a the biggest mistake of my life. I have begged and begged him to tell me what you are to him, and he denies having anything more than a platonic friendship with you.
I want to preface this message with, I have no ill will towards you, I just want some answers… answers I don’t believe I’m going to get from Jared. I don’t know if he’s mentioned anything about me. So here goes…
November 2022, I sent Jared an email, telling him I loved him, missed him, and though I didn’t require a response back, I wanted him to know how sorry I was for everything that had happened and things had ended. He responded with a lengthy email telling me he still fervently loved me and how he too was sorry for how things had ended. That email lead to the last year and a half of events.
December 2022, I drove down to Roanoke and surprised him at the Carilion garage. He left the hospital as fast as he could that night, and we spent the rest of that evening together, catching up, and he left for Key West two days later. Two weeks later, he came up to DC and we had a late birthday celebration for him at Clyde’s in Georgetown and went to see A Christmas Carol at the Ford Theater. A few weeks later we drove to Jersey to see Matchbox20, by now it was the end of January 2023. Almost every week off, for the last year, he would come up and see me, if even for only two days, or I would drive down to Roanoke and spend the week with him. We spoke about our past, the hurt, and future, he told me numerous times that when he pictured marriage and children, it was only with me, but he needed time. This part is important, and I’ll come back to it later. We celebrated my birthday at a restaurant in Navy Yard, two weeks before you guys left for London. Chris video chatted with that night while we were at the restaurant eating Wagyu, and they discussed the new shipment of sunglasses Chris had gotten for Miggieswear.
The weekend of the Super Bowl, he had come seen me earlier that week, the day after he left I came to Roanoke and left the day of the Super Bowl. He told me his parents were having a viewing party and he had to go home and cook. I’m now assuming he left my Airbnb and came to your place.
That February he planned a trip to London, with Nicole, Ryan and Chris, and what he told me were, Nicole’s “friends.” Nicole happened to post a picture of you guys sitting on the plane and I was shocked, why would Nicole’s friend be sitting between him and Ryan. I sent him a message while you were on that 6 hour flight, telling him that if he had been seeing somebody, then why didn’t he tell me? There was no point in us spending time together if he had moved on. His response to me was “do you even know what you’re looking at? I’m surprised you don’t recognize her, that’s Nicole’s friend. You’re jumping to a lot of conclusions right now and don’t know what you’re talking about.” Something in my gut didn’t believe it but I wanted to trust that, so I did. I put you out of sight, out of mind. When he got back, he told me how he wished I’d been there with him, we both love history and old buildings, it’s a place we would have found magical together. I don’t know who came up with the idea of going to London, but part of me always thinks I’m the one who put it there when I shared the pictures i had taken when I went there the year we had been no contact.
We went to a Kenny Chesney concert in Charlottesville that March when I got back from my family trip to India, and he got back from London. Between work, us both traveling with our families, we were excited to see one another. We were going to go to St Augustine, but because of the weather, we stayed in Roanoke and saw Kenny Chesney in Charlottesville. The original plan had been to spend the night in Charlottesville at a hotel, but we couldn’t get one last minute so we ended up driving back to Roanoke and sneaking into the basement at his parents house and sleeping in his bed at 3am.
A few months later, we went to Richmond, and stayed the weekend, exploring the city, and watched Hamilton at the Altria Theater. A few months after that, we went to Savannah and Atlanta, where he got a flat tire driving into the garage, and spent the rest of the weekend at a yoga retreat. July, he asked me to go to Boston with him and his brother, for 4th or July weekend, but I couldn’t because my siblings were in town. Every single week, he came down and either stayed with me, or made a quick trip to spend time with me…
This past September, I found out he took you to Justin’s wedding, and I broke. I needed more from him. I have known him, been intimate with him, shared my every fear, worry, I have brought him home cooked meals from DC and surprised him at work with dinner, I’ve made him care packages. I’ve made Ryan Easter baskets and sent him birthday presents and encouraged Jared to put him in academic classes, I’ve helped Jared look into private schools for Ryan, and weighed the pros and cons of the options. I had no expectations in return from him other than, at the very least, a mutual respect and HONESTY.
I’ve seen him quite a few times since September and I last saw him in Roanoke at the beginning of March 2024. We sat in front of each other, in his car before he went into work that Monday night, and he told me, again, that when he thinks of marriage and a future, I’m the only one he pictures a marriage and children with. I’m not saying this to hurt you, or to make a point, I’m saying it because i don’t know what to believe anymore.
I became suspicious of his relationship with you, when he mentioned going to Macchu Picchu and hiking through the mountains. As all women have the ability to find out details they might later regret, I did the same thing. Except I didn’t believe he had actually gone to Macchu Picchu. I knew his passport had been long expired since around or before COVID, and I knew he had renewed it before he went to London. But that was when I realized you were the girl in the photo that Nicole posted. When I confronted him about Macchu Picchu, he told me he had been joking and he had also already told me he’d been joking. He had NEVER told me it was a joke, he had actually refused to show me photos when I asked him for pictures from the trip… he had then proceeded to change the topic, which is what had even raised red flags in my head.
My point is, I have asked him point blank so many times whether you two have a relationship. You tell me you still love me, that you picture marriage and a family with me, but this girl is a part of your life, and you took her to a wedding with you, while I was on a trip with my siblings, you took her to London with you, and you continue to tell me she’s just a friend. I asked him again on Tuesday night/Wednesday Morning after he left work, if you two are dating, and he said no. He asked me why I’m so hyper-fixated on somebody who’s just a friend when he has a million other female friends.
In September, he told me he needed a month to clear his head, that he wanted to commit to me, but he was afraid and that he needed to get over the fear and roadblock of our past break up. I gave him grace and understood. So we took a 4 week break. Some time during that time period, he sent me a snap of doves, and said “doves, and swans mate for life.” He sent me Ed Sheeran songs telling me he wants to find his way back to me. “No Strings Attached… you are the one I love”
In November, he messaged me and told me he had a surprise for me and to look for something in the mail. He loves the Count of Monte Carlo, it’s one of his favorite movies, and he told me it was in reference to that. A few weeks later I got a candle, a silver 400 dollar Buddha candle from Thomson Ferrier. I didn’t understand the reference to the Count of Monte Carlo, but it was a beautiful gesture and present… especially because he knew how much little gestures from him mean to me.
Fast forward to January, I got another 350 dollar black skull candle from him, from Thomson Ferrier. At this point I was upset, angry and livid. I called my sister in tears that evening. I had come back to him because he told me he loved me, that he “has a fire that burns so deeply” when he thinks of me. If i had known that wasn’t true, i would have closed the chapter a year and a half ago. I don’t want $700 worth of gifts and candles, I want more. I want marriage, I want children, I want our lives to move forward, I want communication. Out of anger, I packed up the candle, his sweatshirts and clothes that he had left at my place this past year, and mailed them back to his house. I’m sure it’s sitting somewhere in his basement closet/ bedroom… along with his white Huq sweatshirt, a picture of us I had up in my house, and various articles of clothing.
What upsets me is that he didn’t just involve me this year, he involved my family. He sent my mom presents, my parents in return sent him gifts. My sister, parents and cousins messaged him asking him to come around more. There was no point in involving my family, if he was going to involve himself with you. There was no point in involving himself with me, if he was going to involve himself with you. Those leather Indian shoes sitting in his room, my dad bought those for him. That blue sweater, those green pants and that maroon shirt, my parents bought those for him just this last year.
I don’t know what he’s told you about me, but I will say this. I was your age when we started dating. I was 29 years old. He was single, that’s what everyone in our residency program thought. He would tell everyone how Shari left him one day, all of a sudden just got up and left. “I saw the look behind her eyes just change when she looked at me.” He would tell everyone his horrific dating stories. When i started dating him, there was no doubt in my mind he was single… but I was wrong. He wasn’t single, he was dating Devon, one of the nurses from Carilion, and he had been for the past 4 years prior to that. At one point when he moved to Norfolk, she had even moved in with him. Even Shari was visiting him in Norfolk during this time period. I would have never suspected it, nobody in our residency program did. It wasn’t until one day, when he told me his friends were visiting from home, and they were all going to a concert together, that I found out. Her profile picture was of the two of them together, and her Facebook relationship status said “in a relationship.” Out of my own naivety, i believed him when he told me she was crazy and obsessed with him. He told me, to him, they were just friends but she wanted more. Women do a lot of things, but no woman is dumb enough to think she’s your girlfriend when she’s not. When we moved back to our hometowns, Devon was there waiting for him. He disappeared one day for 24 hours, told me that he was helping his dad’s friend who was stranded in NC. A year and a half later, i would find out that was a lie and that he had been at a concert Florida Georgia Line concert with her. She had been visiting his grandmother with him, staying at his parents home. The irony is that a few weeks after he took her, he took me to the same concert in Scranton. Him and his family didn’t bat an eye when a month later, I showed up and was the “new girlfriend.”
Eventually Devon found out about his lies and left him, but again, stupid me thought she was a crazy girl who just wanted so badly to be with him, that she built their relationship up in her head.
Dignity, respect for humans, empathy, are the most important qualities in a human being.
What I don’t wish is for you to be in my spot in 5 years. He will paint you in his colors, make you fall in love with MB20, and take you to Augustana concerts, he’ll tell you that you understand him, and his heart in a way that nobody else does. He’ll bond with you over music, and send you songs that make you feel he’s talking about you. He is so good at making you feel seen, and involving you with his family. He’ll say he had a vision of a girl that looks like you, coming into his life, and here you are, his soul mate. And one day, the same way that Shari, Devon and I got lost in him, the reality of everything will come pouring down on you. Be careful, there are signs between the lines, and the smiles, and good times. Make sure you don’t miss those, whatever you decide.
My relationship with him, started off just like yours. Another girl on the periphery, and teetering the line of inappropriate. Everything you call him out on, will always have an excuse, and you will believe him because he’s the “good guy” who goes above and beyond for people.
I don’t wish for any woman to go through the pain I’ve gone through, the manipulation, the lies and the emotional abuse. I can’t tell you what to do, but I will say, be careful and don’t be blind to the small things that will one day become huge. The novelty will fade, and though Jared isn’t the devil, he has a lot of growing up to do at 40. It was not okay to toy with me and drag me through the mud this year. It wasn’t okay to minimize his relationship with you and lie to me about it. It’s not okay to, to this day claim to see a life with me and not commit to it. I deserve better, and you deserve better.
How men talk about their ex’s and other women is an indication about how they will one day talk about and treat you. That is the worst and best lesson i have learned. I’m 34, years of my life wasted, and he took another year of my life knowing full well, this is how it would end. He’s sat on the phone with me for hours talking about how stupid PA’s are and if you were going to not be a doctor, at least become an NP, who has better bedside knowledge. Why would he say that, because i suppose you’re a PA and it minimizes the significance of even having a relationship with somebody who isn’t as intelligent as he is. The lack of respect will always be there, you just have to look for it.
Dishonesty, and manipulation are a plague, and if that’s who you are at 40, it is who you will always be unless you recognize that something needs to change. Where there is no accountability, there can be no change. I’m not the exception, I’m the same as the two girls before me. He’ll show you text messages where he never responded to me, even though he replies on Snapchat where every thing is erased. I cannot believe i didn’t see the signs. He will make me look crazy and laugh at me, the same way he showed me messages from Jen, and Elisabeth, and Devon, and made them sound crazy to me. I guess that’s his MO. The same way he told me you were nothing to him.
I was going to send you this message, two months ago… i then decided not to because he convinced me he wasn’t dating you… I saw him less than a month ago in Roanoke, i begged him to tell me that he was in a relationship with you. He said he wasn’t, again, he told me he was going to a wedding alone with only Ryan and that he wasn’t taking you. I then begged him to tell me that we were done and that he didn’t love me anymore. His response was idk what’s going to happen a year from now, i know I’ll see you again. His response every time has been when im ready for a relationship, emotionally, do you want me to finally let you know? I don’t care to be with him anymore. I’m so over it but i really think you should know the type of person you’re dealing with.
He has put me through so much hell for a year and a half of my life, stringing me along acting like he’s doing me a favor while he works on his own mental health and claims to still love me when we are together.”
TLDR: my SO’s ex messaged me saying he’s been seeing both of us for the past year and a half. Has anybody experienced this before. She sent me pictures from the past year of them and their text exchanges

So I've been dating this girl for afew months now, I unfortunately can't inform my family on this as they would not support the relationship. But we were in school together and were close friends prior to dating, so we spend time at each other's houses from time to time. I spent the weekend at their place and she told me something I'd never have expected to hear. Last year my family went to the zoo for the day, so I invited her and her sister to join us. After going to the zoo we spent the evening at my uncle's house. While I was preoccupied playing pool with my girlfriend's sister, my uncle (who is married and has a child) took my girlfriend to his office and forcibly kissed her, she left the room before he did anything else. She said she was scared I'd break up with her and therefore didn't want to tell me sooner I was obviously fuming and needed to do something that wasn't aggressive as I know it would not have brought anything good So I confided in my grandmother who said she'd find out about this and put him in his place without mentioning who told him and how she heard about it She then confronted him, but upon confrontation he got angry and said "why would I do something so stupid" Now I'm not sure what to believe because my girlfriend is not one to cause problems, and has nothing to gain from this situation I'm still fuming and really want to know what to do Could anyone offer advice?

This is a burner account bc my main has mutual. Idk where to even start but here it goes. I’m 7 weeks pregnant after trying on and off for 2 years we were hesitant to share the news right away. I found out at 10 DPO so I’ve known for about a month now. Mother’s Day was yesterday and my boyfriend wanted to tell his mom the news. His mom immediately started crying and came over and hugged both of us. She did say congratulations and was really happy. Here’s where I start to get annoyed. I said that we weren’t going to announce it on social media yet and she immediately calls her mom to share the news. She says congratulations to her daughter on FaceTime but nothing to me or my boyfriend. I said again we weren’t going to announce it on Facebook with her on the phone. Then before we could even order our food his mom makes a Facebook post about how she’s going to be a grandma. So I had to hurry up and make an announcement for my socials so my family would see it from me before her. I had already picked out an announcement from Etsy and had it customized so I just went ahead and posted it. His grandma then takes my picture from my Facebook with out saying congratulations or even liking the post and makes her own post about how she’s going to be a great grandmother now. All his cousins and aunts viewed my Snapchat and didn’t reply. They all messaged him and said congratulations but no one commented or liked my post or messaged me.
Obviously this hurt my feelings and I felt like my first pregnancy announcement was taken from me. So I brought it up to my boyfriend and he texted his grandmother and gave her my number and said “if you’d like to congratulate her or say something this is her number” (which I didn’t want him to do but whatever he was trying to help) she then ignored that and proceeds to talk about when she wants to have the baby shower. Which is she bothered to talk to me she’d know I already have a date chosen no where close to what she wants. She eventually went and commented on my Facebook post and said I am so happy for you both but idk it’s just rubbing me the wrong way. I just don’t feel important and I’m upset I didn’t get to tell my family in a special way because his family had to post their moment and disregard mine. Am I being hormonal? My boyfriend kinda thinks I am but he’s being supportive of my feelings still.

So, one line of my family is known for embellishing family stories, making it hard to know what is and isn't true. (I'm sure this is true of many families/lines, it just is a pertinent point to this scenario...)
One of my great-aunts had always talked about being a twin and the twin dying, but then would give details on another sibling that died. (She'd told me twin [born in 1930 in that case] and then food poisoning/diarrhea related death at about 3 years old- one time she even called the twin James... but it turns out that while James is a sibling, he's definitely not the twin- he was born in 1936 and died in 1939 of those causes... we have a birth announcement in a paper, a death certificate, and a grave we've visited and are confident in this information, thus confident he's not the twin of my 1930 born great aunt). (As an addition, one sibling said no twin, and the other sibling said yes twin- making it sound even more like a 'things have just gotten confused' scenario given how very young they all were and how very long ago this happened)
Yesterday while browsing Newspapers' Mothers Day weekend trial, I searched great-grandmother by "Mrs. Stuart Brown" versus her name, figuring it wouldn't find me anything new since I've searched Stuart's name pretty thoroughly (in all variations of spelling, because sheesh did they use them all for him). I really wasn't expecting anything new given that I was just adding "Mrs" to the beginning of his name, which would mean it should have been pulling up when I searched his name, but hit on...
A BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE SUPPOSED TWIN!
https://www.newspapers.com/article/bristol-herald-courier-brown-stuart/147223593/
I've taken this name and searched for official documents on both a general-paid-Ancestry account and on FamilySearch, but I've never even come across a birth certificate (delayed or otherwise) for my Great-Aunt, and wasn't surprised to not turn anything up. I also didn't run across a death certificate (not surprised given how much digging I've done with the parents' names looking for more info on them, but had hoped maybe I'd find her with sketchy parent names that didn't get transcribed into searchable text right or something)...
I've also taken this name and searched the papers more in a few variations, hoping to stumble on a death announcement/hospital note/obituary/etc, but I had no luck yesterday with that. While I don't have access to the full Newspapers site now that the free weekend is over, we do subscribe to Southeast Edition at my local library and it covers the paper with the announcement re: birth and the time period- I'm intending to dig a bit harder on there in hopes of finding something, but...
I've been doing a date range of 1930 until 1940, as they were born Nov 13 in 1930 (post-census) and she's not present on the 1940 census, so she likely passed before then... given the family story conflating her with James who was '36-'39, I am torn between thinking maybe she died before him & thus is why they've conflated the two (fits the 'around 3 years old' I've heard but assumed was him) or possibly died around the same time as him (possibly died older than my Great Aunt remembered, and of similar issues? I don't know- possibly just remembering it happening and having James's name on hand or something)...
Does anyone have any suggestions on where else I might look?
I do have one living Great Aunt, however she's considerably younger than the Great Aunt in question and the siblings who have passed, plus she's a half sister and the parent she shares with them died when she was very, very young. She did spend a considerable amount of time with the oldest of those siblings (he and his wife babysat her a bit), but unfortunately most of what she knows of the family has actually come through my mom & I doing family tree work... I've sent her a message asking, just in case, but the most she's likely to respond with is the story that the Great Aunt in question gave us while she was alive.

TLDR at the bottom
Been together with this girl for 10+ years. We really had a great relationship. We had this incredible balance of trust, freedom, responsibility and caring. About 2 years ago, we simultaneously decided to make a career switch. I started my own startup whilst she got the opportunity to step into a semi-manager role.
At the time we had a 5yo son and 2yo girl. We worked hard and professionally managed to accomplish great things whilst running a good family life. But we forgot to invest in ourselves and eachother. My co-founder went through a difficult time so a lot of work ended up with me, giving me increasingly more stress. At home, I managed to do the stuff that needed to be done, but was just mentally absent. I felt like becoming more agitated and apathetic about everything. I went through a really difficult time but luckily my girlfriend was really understanding and supportive.
Then more shit hit the fan. The grandmother of my girlfriend passed away, she had a really great relationship with her. At the same time, she was looking forward to a new colleague to support her after one year of waiting, but got the news she had to wait another several months. And even more, she received concerning medical news that possibly could turn out to be cancer.
I saw her becoming more quiet, distancing from me. When I tried to talk to her about how she felt, she always tried to turn the conversation away into a more practical topic not concerning her feelings. She suddenly would go out for walks in the middle of the night, messaging for hours on her phone, which was not her usual behavior. She suddenly got dressed up more than ever, went to stylists, started working out,.. Something was changing. She seemed depressed but somehow also found a drive to do this new stuff.
I was still in a mentally bad place. After 9 years she suddenly went silent. I was well aware I haven’t been emotionally available for her in the last months so at some point, the idea pops up that she’d possibly was seeing someone else, despite rationally I knew that only could be a 1% chance.
Anyway, as valid as my feelings were, I decided to just ask her right away. She was somewhat flabbergasted but just laughed and said no. And that was it. We never had once a point were we distrusted eachother. She just said no and never asked why I’d ask such thing.
So it just fed my feelings of distrust even more. Three days later, she went even more quiet and distant but I buckled up and asked her if she wouldn’t think that was a strange question? She acknowledged that but ended the conversation quite quickly again. I couldn’t wrap my head around it and at night decided to peak in her phone and went through messages to find.. nothing. I felt really bad I did this because I’d never accept my partner going through my personal stuff. Trust is so important for me.
About 1,5 year before all this, I decided to ask her to marry me, which she wanted. I waited 8 years to ask her (!!!) but due our more busy life, organizing the marriage was on a low pace. We already booked a location for june and had a wedding planner getting everything ready.
I decided to suggest her to pause the wedding preparations to take some time to recover from what happened to her and we both could use some time off. She inclined to continue the preparations of the wedding. I asked her if she was sure she still wanted to marry me, because she didn’t take any initiatives in the last months, which at some point was logic concerning what happened to her. But she insisted she still wanted to marry and it would help her to concentrate at something positive in her life. This was december last year.
In the weeks following, I several times tried to make a moment to talk. She always changed subjects, said had chores or work to do,…
Eventually one evening late february she said she wanted to talk. She told me she increasingly lost feelings for me since months but never dared to tell me because she didn’t want to hurt me. Then all that personal stuff happend to her. She was emotionally already too far away from me to reach out to me, especially since she felt I was also going through a hard time. She kept up with loving texts, sex and even confirmed to still marry, just not to hurt me.
She just went through all those feelings behind a wall. She never told me once her feelings for me changed. Apparently she had so many disappointments in moments I didn’t pick up her feelings. I don’t know if that was caused by me being mentally absent or her not being clear enough about what she expected. Probably something in between.
She left the day after and went to a closeby airbnb for a month, just so she’d close to the children. She slept all day, stopped working, went through an immense hard time. She couldn’t talk to me nor see me. She was a complete different person to me. I could see aversion in her eyes when she saw. She didn’t want me to ask her what happened and just wanted me to accept this new reality.
After one month she had to return home because she had no place to stay so we started bird nesting (the children stay at home and we swap places every week) She still hardly wants to talk about her feelings or what happened, and gets angry if I try to. The only thing she wants is to leave me and get to rest.
She’s in a real bad place and there is no wqy I can reach her emotionally. Friends and family she talked to, reach out to me and say she really needs help, which she refuses. She signed a contract for an apartment closeby. She can enter one week before our initial wedding date..
We have little savings due her long study career and my startup so she’s getting her financially in a difficult position too.
I’m three months later now and still can’t wrap my head around this. I’ve been together with her for more than 10 years and in no way she’d ever do anything like this. We always had a really deep and trusting relationship. She’s a different person now. My mental and emotional energy constantly shifts between being concerned about her and trying to keep myself together. I feel anger and mourning at the same time about the same person. She disrespected me, lied to me about her feelings. I even have no chance to change anything.
I still cry multiple time every week and it feels like one step forward and two steps back. I have no perspectives except she’ll leave the house (we’re bird-nesting for the time being) and will end up probably have to sell the house we bought together because I lack money to pay the mortgage myself.
I feel desperate, depressed, lonely, overthinking all day.
I’m seeing a psychologist since the week she left. She’s trying to make me concentrate on my own needs and put boundaries to protect myself. But it’s very hard to do so. I feel really empathetic to her. She really needs help and seems to be in a flee-mode.
TLDR: my girlfriend hided her feelings for probably a year, and left me when going into a depression.

Context and upbringing:
As long as I remember I always wanted to hurt people. Not animals, just people. I was a loud and charismatic child, though always ready to jump at someone if I felt like that. For some reason no one tried to stop me from occasionall bullying. Maybe because I was pretty charming towards everyone.
It all changed when I was 8 years old. I, can't remember why, lifted a boy and tried to run with him. I slipped. He fell with me and hit his head at the wall. He didn't lose consciousness immediatly, but couldn't stand and started to cry. At the moment I didn't feel anything. Maybe only that I messed up, though not because someone was hurt, but because I could get grounded. Grounded I got. Boy was vomitting and laying in bed for several days and that was first time I actually got problems because of my cruelty.
In my country as a kid you can't go to prison unless you commited very horrific crime, but you can get in special category in law system. Let's call it "The List". If you get there you will have big problems with getting in good university, finding a job and etc. It simply means that you commited crime, though not very severe, and now police watches over you. It damages your reputation a lot.
For some reason, I still don't know why for sure, his parents forgave me after 2 days of deciding what to do with me. Those were two messed up days, my mom crying, my dad silent, my siblings absent(can't remember why though) and I realised what was happening and what I could het with that. Maybe I went traumatised, because even after amnesty I never ever again started a fight myself (and always tried to avoid it at all costs) and started to slowly change from extrovert to complete introvert-sociophob.
I was 8 at the moment of "accident" and my peak of loneliness and self-destruction was at 14 years old. No friends, excpet few people I never opened to, no girlfriend (because I was scared of them like they were aliens), complexes(overweight, acne and no geneticly good face) and hatred. Hatred was a problem I underestimated, but I will leave it for now.
At 14 I started to go to the gym. My older brother was picking on me so I went without much enthusiasm, but I trying my best there since it was better than simply losing my time.
Time went by, I had nothing in my life but my PC, school and gym. I was a good student so my marks were good. Gym started to pay off after about a year or something. My social skills were still dead, but I decided that I should learn masks and small talks (I couldn't do it as easy as most).
At 16 I learned about self-improvement. Tried it. Liked it. Decided to dedicate my time for it. Ended up with a lot of hate toward myself since I couldn't beat my laziness, but couldn't just brush it off anymore knowing that I could do more. I did improve though in every aspect of life. It was just not ideal, so I couldn't praise myself for it as I shoud have.
At 16 I thought that I was somewhat ready for a girl and in a bold manner (like an actual autist) asked the most attractive (in my opinion at least) girl in my school. To my surprise se accepted even though my initial goal was simply to beat fear and ask her at all. Date went AWFULY. Every alpha-male would die from cringe if they saw me that evening, but I was happy. I got lots of experience and threw a nice jab at my fears.
Fast forward two years. I am 18, studying in university since my studies paid off. My looks are better than ever. My self-esteem is somewhat adequate. I even got in a relationship and lost my v-card (something I considered impossible) to a 9/10 (on my scale). I broke up with her though, because I was tired of wearing a mask of a perfect caring boyfriend and her illogical and idiotic whims were getting on my nerves. I am a dick for that, but I really tried to be as good as I could. The biggest reason of my breakup was that I couldn't ignore hatred any longer. And that's how we finally get to the main part
Main problem and present:
I feel deep resentment towards human species. I imagine torturing and killing people from 13 years old and I can't simply brush those thoughts off. My mother did good job at programming me, so I have sense of moral. I know this is bad, so I project my thoughts only on "bad guys". I can sit for hours imagining how I would torture and maul pedophiles, children shooters, rapists and others scums. Sometimes when I watch videos with accidents where people get hurt I catch myself smiling. I don't like it since those people are innocent in those videos. I fear it. I am 18 and those thoughts are stronger than ever. My psychologist (which I finally went to) after 4 sessions decided to leave me because my case is "too complex", so she gave me numbers of better specialists. She told me that I do have clear psychopatic tendencies and that I am true narcissist. What should I do? I, don't know how, developed strong sense of justice and moral and my main dream and goal - is finding a true, pure love. I know that I don't want to think this cruel sick way. I know that I want to change, but how?
I decided to actually face this hatred and try to fight it because of anime "Vinland Saga". I want to be at peace, I want to bring peace. I want to be a kinder, better and stronger person. Genuinely good and kind. I even considered suicide to not let even a chance that I hurt somebody, but my family loves me deeply. They don't know of how cruel my thoughts are even towards them, but my death will mentally destroy at least my mother and grandmother. I can't do that. What should I do?

His ex sent me this message. Sorry it’s so long! Has anybody else gotten a similar message in the past? How did you react?
Message below: “It’s been over a year of me wondering whether I should just come out and ask you or message you… but being afraid that if I do, and I’m wrong, it’ll be a the biggest mistake of my life. I have begged and begged him to tell me what you are to him, and he denies having anything more than a platonic friendship with you.
I want to preface this message with, I have no ill will towards you, I just want some answers… answers I don’t believe I’m going to get from Jared. I don’t know if he’s mentioned anything about me. So here goes…
November 2022, I sent Jared an email, telling him I loved him, missed him, and though I didn’t require a response back, I wanted him to know how sorry I was for everything that had happened and things had ended. He responded with a lengthy email telling me he still fervently loved me and how he too was sorry for how things had ended. That email lead to the last year and a half of events.
December 2022, I drove down to Roanoke and surprised him at the Carilion garage. He left the hospital as fast as he could that night, and we spent the rest of that evening together, catching up, and he left for Key West two days later. Two weeks later, he came up to DC and we had a late birthday celebration for him at Clyde’s in Georgetown and went to see A Christmas Carol at the Ford Theater. A few weeks later we drove to Jersey to see Matchbox20, by now it was the end of January 2023. Almost every week off, for the last year, he would come up and see me, if even for only two days, or I would drive down to Roanoke and spend the week with him. We spoke about our past, the hurt, and future, he told me numerous times that when he pictured marriage and children, it was only with me, but he needed time. This part is important, and I’ll come back to it later. We celebrated my birthday at a restaurant in Navy Yard, two weeks before you guys left for London. Chris video chatted with that night while we were at the restaurant eating Wagyu, and they discussed the new shipment of sunglasses Chris had gotten for Miggieswear.
The weekend of the Super Bowl, he had come seen me earlier that week, the day after he left I came to Roanoke and left the day of the Super Bowl. He told me his parents were having a viewing party and he had to go home and cook. I’m now assuming he left my Airbnb and came to your place.
That February he planned a trip to London, with Nicole, Ryan and Chris, and what he told me were, Nicole’s “friends.” Nicole happened to post a picture of you guys sitting on the plane and I was shocked, why would Nicole’s friend be sitting between him and Ryan. I sent him a message while you were on that 6 hour flight, telling him that if he had been seeing somebody, then why didn’t he tell me? There was no point in us spending time together if he had moved on. His response to me was “do you even know what you’re looking at? I’m surprised you don’t recognize her, that’s Nicole’s friend. You’re jumping to a lot of conclusions right now and don’t know what you’re talking about.” Something in my gut didn’t believe it but I wanted to trust that, so I did. I put you out of sight, out of mind. When he got back, he told me how he wished I’d been there with him, we both love history and old buildings, it’s a place we would have found magical together. I don’t know who came up with the idea of going to London, but part of me always thinks I’m the one who put it there when I shared the pictures i had taken when I went there the year we had been no contact.
We went to a Kenny Chesney concert in Charlottesville that March when I got back from my family trip to India, and he got back from London. Between work, us both traveling with our families, we were excited to see one another. We were going to go to St Augustine, but because of the weather, we stayed in Roanoke and saw Kenny Chesney in Charlottesville. The original plan had been to spend the night in Charlottesville at a hotel, but we couldn’t get one last minute so we ended up driving back to Roanoke and sneaking into the basement at his parents house and sleeping in his bed at 3am.
A few months later, we went to Richmond, and stayed the weekend, exploring the city, and watched Hamilton at the Altria Theater. A few months after that, we went to Savannah and Atlanta, where he got a flat tire driving into the garage, and spent the rest of the weekend at a yoga retreat. July, he asked me to go to Boston with him and his brother, for 4th or July weekend, but I couldn’t because my siblings were in town. Every single week, he came down and either stayed with me, or made a quick trip to spend time with me…
This past September, I found out he took you to Justin’s wedding, and I broke. I needed more from him. I have known him, been intimate with him, shared my every fear, worry, I have brought him home cooked meals from DC and surprised him at work with dinner, I’ve made him care packages. I’ve made Ryan Easter baskets and sent him birthday presents and encouraged Jared to put him in academic classes, I’ve helped Jared look into private schools for Ryan, and weighed the pros and cons of the options. I had no expectations in return from him other than, at the very least, a mutual respect and HONESTY.
I’ve seen him quite a few times since September and I last saw him in Roanoke at the beginning of March 2024. We sat in front of each other, in his car before he went into work that Monday night, and he told me, again, that when he thinks of marriage and a future, I’m the only one he pictures a marriage and children with. I’m not saying this to hurt you, or to make a point, I’m saying it because i don’t know what to believe anymore.
I became suspicious of his relationship with you, when he mentioned going to Macchu Picchu and hiking through the mountains. As all women have the ability to find out details they might later regret, I did the same thing. Except I didn’t believe he had actually gone to Macchu Picchu. I knew his passport had been long expired since around or before COVID, and I knew he had renewed it before he went to London. But that was when I realized you were the girl in the photo that Nicole posted. When I confronted him about Macchu Picchu, he told me he had been joking and he had also already told me he’d been joking. He had NEVER told me it was a joke, he had actually refused to show me photos when I asked him for pictures from the trip… he had then proceeded to change the topic, which is what had even raised red flags in my head.
My point is, I have asked him point blank so many times whether you two have a relationship. You tell me you still love me, that you picture marriage and a family with me, but this girl is a part of your life, and you took her to a wedding with you, while I was on a trip with my siblings, you took her to London with you, and you continue to tell me she’s just a friend. I asked him again on Tuesday night/Wednesday Morning after he left work, if you two are dating, and he said no. He asked me why I’m so hyper-fixated on somebody who’s just a friend when he has a million other female friends.
In September, he told me he needed a month to clear his head, that he wanted to commit to me, but he was afraid and that he needed to get over the fear and roadblock of our past break up. I gave him grace and understood. So we took a 4 week break. Some time during that time period, he sent me a snap of doves, and said “doves, and swans mate for life.” He sent me Ed Sheeran songs telling me he wants to find his way back to me. “No Strings Attached… you are the one I love”
In November, he messaged me and told me he had a surprise for me and to look for something in the mail. He loves the Count of Monte Carlo, it’s one of his favorite movies, and he told me it was in reference to that. A few weeks later I got a candle, a silver 400 dollar Buddha candle from Thomson Ferrier. I didn’t understand the reference to the Count of Monte Carlo, but it was a beautiful gesture and present… especially because he knew how much little gestures from him mean to me.
Fast forward to January, I got another 350 dollar black skull candle from him, from Thomson Ferrier. At this point I was upset, angry and livid. I called my sister in tears that evening. I had come back to him because he told me he loved me, that he “has a fire that burns so deeply” when he thinks of me. If i had known that wasn’t true, i would have closed the chapter a year and a half ago. I don’t want $700 worth of gifts and candles, I want more. I want marriage, I want children, I want our lives to move forward, I want communication. Out of anger, I packed up the candle, his sweatshirts and clothes that he had left at my place this past year, and mailed them back to his house. I’m sure it’s sitting somewhere in his basement closet/ bedroom… along with his white Huq sweatshirt, a picture of us I had up in my house, and various articles of clothing.
What upsets me is that he didn’t just involve me this year, he involved my family. He sent my mom presents, my parents in return sent him gifts. My sister, parents and cousins messaged him asking him to come around more. There was no point in involving my family, if he was going to involve himself with you. There was no point in involving himself with me, if he was going to involve himself with you. Those leather Indian shoes sitting in his room, my dad bought those for him. That blue sweater, those green pants and that maroon shirt, my parents bought those for him just this last year.
I don’t know what he’s told you about me, but I will say this. I was your age when we started dating. I was 29 years old. He was single, that’s what everyone in our residency program thought. He would tell everyone how Shari left him one day, all of a sudden just got up and left. “I saw the look behind her eyes just change when she looked at me.” He would tell everyone his horrific dating stories. When i started dating him, there was no doubt in my mind he was single… but I was wrong. He wasn’t single, he was dating Devon, one of the nurses from Carilion, and he had been for the past 4 years prior to that. At one point when he moved to Norfolk, she had even moved in with him. Even Shari was visiting him in Norfolk during this time period. I would have never suspected it, nobody in our residency program did. It wasn’t until one day, when he told me his friends were visiting from home, and they were all going to a concert together, that I found out. Her profile picture was of the two of them together, and her Facebook relationship status said “in a relationship.” Out of my own naivety, i believed him when he told me she was crazy and obsessed with him. He told me, to him, they were just friends but she wanted more. Women do a lot of things, but no woman is dumb enough to think she’s your girlfriend when she’s not. When we moved back to our hometowns, Devon was there waiting for him. He disappeared one day for 24 hours, told me that he was helping his dad’s friend who was stranded in NC. A year and a half later, i would find out that was a lie and that he had been at a concert Florida Georgia Line concert with her. She had been visiting his grandmother with him, staying at his parents home. The irony is that a few weeks after he took her, he took me to the same concert in Scranton. Him and his family didn’t bat an eye when a month later, I showed up and was the “new girlfriend.”
Eventually Devon found out about his lies and left him, but again, stupid me thought she was a crazy girl who just wanted so badly to be with him, that she built their relationship up in her head.
Dignity, respect for humans, empathy, are the most important qualities in a human being.
What I don’t wish is for you to be in my spot in 5 years. He will paint you in his colors, make you fall in love with MB20, and take you to Augustana concerts, he’ll tell you that you understand him, and his heart in a way that nobody else does. He’ll bond with you over music, and send you songs that make you feel he’s talking about you. He is so good at making you feel seen, and involving you with his family. He’ll say he had a vision of a girl that looks like you, coming into his life, and here you are, his soul mate. And one day, the same way that Shari, Devon and I got lost in him, the reality of everything will come pouring down on you. Be careful, there are signs between the lines, and the smiles, and good times. Make sure you don’t miss those, whatever you decide.
My relationship with him, started off just like yours. Another girl on the periphery, and teetering the line of inappropriate. Everything you call him out on, will always have an excuse, and you will believe him because he’s the “good guy” who goes above and beyond for people.
I don’t wish for any woman to go through the pain I’ve gone through, the manipulation, the lies and the emotional abuse. I can’t tell you what to do, but I will say, be careful and don’t be blind to the small things that will one day become huge. The novelty will fade, and though Jared isn’t the devil, he has a lot of growing up to do at 40. It was not okay to toy with me and drag me through the mud this year. It wasn’t okay to minimize his relationship with you and lie to me about it. It’s not okay to, to this day claim to see a life with me and not commit to it. I deserve better, and you deserve better.
How men talk about their ex’s and other women is an indication about how they will one day talk about and treat you. That is the worst and best lesson i have learned. I’m 34, years of my life wasted, and he took another year of my life knowing full well, this is how it would end. He’s sat on the phone with me for hours talking about how stupid PA’s are and if you were going to not be a doctor, at least become an NP, who has better bedside knowledge. Why would he say that, because i suppose you’re a PA and it minimizes the significance of even having a relationship with somebody who isn’t as intelligent as he is. The lack of respect will always be there, you just have to look for it.
Dishonesty, and manipulation are a plague, and if that’s who you are at 40, it is who you will always be unless you recognize that something needs to change. Where there is no accountability, there can be no change. I’m not the exception, I’m the same as the two girls before me. He’ll show you text messages where he never responded to me, even though he replies on Snapchat where every thing is erased. I cannot believe i didn’t see the signs. He will make me look crazy and laugh at me, the same way he showed me messages from Jen, and Elisabeth, and Devon, and made them sound crazy to me. I guess that’s his MO. The same way he told me you were nothing to him.
I was going to send you this message, two months ago… i then decided not to because he convinced me he wasn’t dating you… I saw him less than a month ago in Roanoke, i begged him to tell me that he was in a relationship with you. He said he wasn’t, again, he told me he was going to a wedding alone with only Ryan and that he wasn’t taking you. I then begged him to tell me that we were done and that he didn’t love me anymore. His response was idk what’s going to happen a year from now, i know I’ll see you again. His response every time has been when im ready for a relationship, emotionally, do you want me to finally let you know? I don’t care to be with him anymore. I’m so over it but i really think you should know the type of person you’re dealing with.
He has put me through so much hell for a year and a half of my life, stringing me along acting like he’s doing me a favor while he works on his own mental health and claims to still love me when we are together.”
TLDR: my SO’s ex messaged me saying he’s been seeing both of us for the past year and a half. Has anybody experienced this before. She sent me pictures from the past year of them and their text exchanges

Hi all! I think I am just looking for mostly reassurance at this point regarding taking care of my grandma. Here is my situation (buckle up, this is a long one):
I was estranged from my biological father and his family from my teen years until about 2 years ago. Long story short, my parents got divorced when I was 2, my mom moved me out of state when she married my stepfather and I spent every summer in childhood visiting my father's family. For context, I am the only child of my father (my mom had other children from a later marriage, my half siblings, my father never had any more kids). Around my teen years, those visits stopped and I just kept in contact with my biological grandmother on my dad's side through the occasional letters over the years. I have a lot of resentment toward my parents for their poor decision making and how it's affected so much of how I act in my relationships as an adult. I have sought out therapy and am doing my best to recover.
In May of 2022, I received a phone call from my paternal grandma (who was 97 at the time), which was so unusual and very nerve-wracking because she never called me, we only communicated through letters. She told me that my father was very sick but couldn't give me many details. She was very hard of hearing and knew nothing about his illness except that it was a "blood disease." My father had been divorced 3 times and after the 3rd one, he moved in with my grandma and they were great friends. I think it was a good arrangement for them both. After that phone call, I did a lot of thinking and soul searching and decided that I should visit my father.
My husband (who never met this side of my family) and I visited my father and grandma later that month. I was shocked at their condition. My father never got up from his chair and looked so frail and sick. My grandma was actually in better health than him despite her age, but she still obviously couldn't care for him in his sickness. She could barely get up from her chair and was very unsteady walking around. I tried to get details from my father about his health but he was confused and unable to tell me anything concrete. But he did tell me that hospice was coming to see him the next day. So we came back the next day to be there when the hospice intake nurse came. He was even more confused the next day, couldn't spell his middle name or answer questions clearly. I did my best to answer questions (even though I barely knew him since we had been estranged for so long) and provided my phone number as a contact for them. It was all incredibly overwhelming. That meeting ended with my father wanting a little more time to think about it before being officially admitted to hospice. My husband and I went back home and I was overwhelmed about everything.
A few days later, I got a phone call from hospice. My father had reached a point where he was incontinent and belligerent and my grandma called the phone number on the card the hospice worker had left from her visit because she was desperate for help. I was suddenly thrust into a situation of trying to make decisions for a man I barely knew states away. It was obvious my 97 year old grandmother could no longer care for him at home, so he was taken to the hospital. I was able to talk with his doctor over the phone who told me that he had leukemia. The treatment he had been receiving was not working and he estimated that my father had 6 weeks to live. He would be admitted to an inpatient hospice facility until he died. I barely was able to process that because there was another huge issue: who is going to look after my grandma after he dies?
(A little more family background here: my father has an older brother who lives out of state. The two brothers never got along and from what I hear, my uncle had the tendency to rub people the wrong way. My uncle only communicated with his mother - my grandma - through the occasional birthday and Christmas card. That uncle has 2 kids, my cousins, who live in the same state as my uncle. The older cousin calls my grandma once in a while. My grandma has distant relatives who live about 45 minutes away and visit very occasionally.)
My husband and I talked a lot and I decided that I needed to go and stay with my grandma while my dad was in hospice. I was able to work remotely and so was my husband, so we made the drive back to my grandma's house and stayed with her, taking her to visit my dad every day, cooking, cleaning, etc.
My dad died on May 31, 2022, only about a week after he was admitted to hospice. I handled all the logistics and planning of the funeral. My grandma, who was totally competent mentally, was stone cold deaf and emotionally unable to handle any of it, so I was left to do everything, despite barely knowing him and not really having the chance to process my own very complicated grief at losing an estranged parent. Fortunately he had the wisdom to take out a life insurance policy years before with me as the beneficiary and I was able to pay for the funeral with that money.
And instead of his death being the end of something, it was the beginning of the most stressful time in my adult life. I spent day and night looking into care options for my grandma. We finally got her some hearing aides (something my father never thought to do for her I guess) and I spent hours on the internet, researching what is covered by Medicare, if she was eligible for Medicaid, etc. I called her state's agency for aging, multiple home health aide companies, the works. We had to go back to our home state to resume our lives, and all the while, my mental energy was spent on worrying about her and running through every option for care over and over again.
And here we are, TWO YEARS LATER. My grandma is now 99 years old at the end of this month. In May of last year, my husband very unexpectedly and heartbreakingly lost his job of 12 years. After that happened, we decided it was time to pick up our lives and move in with our grandma. While we were living in our state and she alone in hers after my dad died, I called her pretty much every day to check on her. I was constantly anxious and on edge. We visited her as much as we could but it is a long drive and we couldn't always put our lives on hold to visit her.
We moved in in December. And it has absolutely been one of the hardest times of my life. My husband and I are in dire straits financially (he is still struggling to find consistent work and my work is seasonal, we're just getting into my busy season but honestly, I don't make a lot of money). My grandma can still barely hear with her hearing aides in so I always have to raise my voice to talk to her and repeat myself multiple times. I spend hours of my time taking her to doctor's appointments (which is not an easy feat because she is wheelchair bound outside of the home), on the phone with doctors, picking up medicine, etc. I feel constant pressure to make sure she cared for. Overall she is a pleasant person but she is also a master of Italian Catholic guilt and passive aggressiveness. There is no one else to help us. I feel like I am slowly dying inside little by little every day.
So if you've made it this far, here is where I am looking for reassurance. We have to go back to our home state multiple times this summer for family obligations and my work (I am a wedding photographer and contracted to photograph weddings this summer back home). For example, at the end of May, we have to be gone for over 2 weeks to go to multiple graduations of nieces and nephews, open houses, etc. And I feel extremely guilty for leaving.
Here is more about my grandma and her current status for context:

• She is perfectly coherent mentally. Totally capable of taking her own medicine (which is not too much considering her age).
• She has a shower aide come once a week to help her in the shower. She has a walk in shower with a chair and extendable shower head. She also had handles on the toilet we recently installed. She dresses herself every day.
• She is unsteady on her feet but relies on her walker in the house. She is good about using it and doesn't go without it.
• She still cooks a little, uses the stove to boil vegetables, etc. Uses the microwave for her instant coffee, soups and TV dinners. I cook dinners regularly and she will often eat what I make.
• She has Medicare and supplemental insurance. She is not eligible for Medicaid. She owns her house outright and has about $60,000 in savings. She is unwilling to pay for private home health aides to come in our absence and unfortunately, my husband and I cannot afford them.
• She was on hospice care after my dad died. Her PCP knew the situation, that she would be alone, so she referred to us to hospice so she would at least have a nurse check on her once a week. It was extremely hard to get her admitted and she was able to stay on their service up until a few weeks ago, when they booted her because she is not deteriorating. I understand that hospice is for end of life care and just because someone is 99 it doesn't mean they automatically qualify. But it's a little scary losing that safety net.
• I tried to enroll her in VA benefits because her husband was a veteran. They denied her because she makes too much in social security every month.
• She hates being alone and has brought up multiple times how worried she is to be alone while we're gone.

Here are the things we have set in place to help care for her in our absence:

• We have one camera set up in the living room where she spends most of her time. Only my husband and I can access the camera remotely via our phones when needed to check on her. I am going to talk to her about installing 2 more, one in the kitchen and one in her bedroom.
• She has a Life Alert that she wears around her neck. She very good about wearing it all the time.
• Her shower aide will be here once a week.
• She has 2 neighbors who are great about checking in on her when needed. They both have keys to the house. I also have a group text of a handful of people in the area she is friends with who have keys to the house and can come over in an emergency. I am going to text everyone to let them know the dates we will be gone and ask them to call and check on her regularly.

So my question is this: is this enough? Can I leave her and not feel guilty? I've spent countless hours and tears struggling with this question.
(Thank you to all of you who read all this and my prayers are with you on your own caregiving journeys!)