Strap in yall it’s a long one! So im a 27 F and my ex is a 29 M. Here’s the full background: We met on tinder and started off as friends, we would hike and gym together for a few months until it turned into something more, then we started dating. We dated for about a year and a half, I ended up breaking up with him. It was a great relationship, But I was going through my own emotions and didn’t know how to handle depression whilst being in a relationship.. so I let him go. I moved away, and started a new career , at the same time he moved away for school. I was gone for about 2 years and then I found out I was pregnant(single mom) I told him about it and I felt like me having a kid completely ruined any chances we would ever have of getting back together. We started sending each other letters and keeping in touch while I was away. I started to fall for him all over again. Months go by and I moved back home when I had my kid, and he was also back in the same area. I thought maybe we could try again. When we met up I fell so hard for him, except I was dumb and told him my feelings .He told me he didn’t feel the same and just wanted to be friends and it really hurt me, so I decided to cease all contact and cut him off. Over the next year I started to date and finally moved on when of course he followed me back on IG but I was in a relationship at that point so he left me alone. A few months later I get a text from a random number saying they ran into my dad, come to find out it’s my Ex. He then starts texting me over a span of a few months..inching his way back in..and at that point he informs me that he’s moving back on my side of town.. across the street from my parents to be exact. He finally one day mentions meeting up to catch up, so I said sure. At this point I’m in an unhappy relationship with my most recent partner and my ex was seeing someone else. We decided to be friends , so we started going to the gym together again, studying, and doing races 🏃‍♀️. We kept it to public places and I made sure not to allow myself to go to his house. Every time we hung out he would ask me about how my relationship is going and fill me in on his. I then ended my most recent relationship, (we still live together so I’m also trying to navigate that) and he started to fill me in on how he feels like he should cut things off with the girl that he’s talking to. So he did that and At this point we are starting to hang out longer and spend more quality time together. On one of our hang outs, we watched some movies and all he did was lay his head on my thigh and I went home at a decent time. Next time, we have a pool day and we were both pretty exhausted and took a nap together.. neither of us could sleep due to the tension and that’s when he kissed me. About 2 weeks later, I was supposed to go out of town but I needed to drop a housewarming gift off to him. He tells me he’s going somewhere at 9pm and could meet me out. Then he calls me and says nvm and that I can just come over and drop it off and we can hang for a bit. I was flying standby on my trip and I realized I was not going to make the flight for the following day. He informs me that he is wanting to go on a hike the following day and that if I’m not going on my trip anymore that I can join. So I said okay..cancelled my booking and we booked an Airbnb. So we had a pretty spontaneous weekend getaway it was honestly quite romantic and that’s when we hooked up.. so now we have finally crossed that line and I have no clue what to do. It was great, I think we really connected again, but I also feel stupid because I feel like I should have waited longer. I want to be with him in the end, he’s always been the one that got away. I’m afraid that if we continue then he won’t want me because he already has it all in a sense. So I’m feeling like I need to distance myself since I can’t really undo my actions, maybe there’s a way I can get it moving in the right direction again. Atleast until I get out of my current situation which will be in about a month. But what do I do now? I’ve been feeling so many emotions ever since then and can’t seem to quiet my mind.
The timelines might be hard to follow but It’s been 5 years since we broke up, 2021 when I moved back home. May 2023 is when he followed me again, and December2023 when he started to text me again. January 2024 I ended my recent relationship and February 2024 when I started to see my ex again.

As the headline says, I got some pretty mind blowing news today. For context, I’m the oldest of 4 grown adult children in my 40s, mom is in 60s my siblings are 12 years + younger with the baby 26. Long set up but I promise it sets the tone…My mom has always been very controlling of everything, utilizing her children as commodities for visits with family and other parents etc. I never knew my dad and when relationships ended with the other siblings fathers, they only got access on her say so etc which was not often. By the time I was 16, I was in high school raising 3 siblings ranging from infant to toddler. She was barely home working long haul trucking while stepdad at time was recovering from flipping his big truck. He ultimately tried to kill himself again in my presence with my siblings asleep (he was Vietnam vet with ptsd) one night and I stopped him and called for help. He went away for a few months but ultimately she brought him home one day months later, shipped my siblings off to my aunt and told me at 17, I had 24 hours to find place to live. I was still in high school but newly dating a guy who had lawyers for parents. They stepped in took custody of me.
Needless to say I was traumatized, she took off with stepdad and went back on road with him. I didn’t get to see my siblings often because they were hour away from me and I barely spoke to my mom. She ultimately didn’t speak to me till the weekend of my 18 birthday. She called to tell me to come back home and quit school to take care of siblings because my aunt was no longer going to do it while they continued to drive cross country. I was senior in high school months from graduation and said NO. She said she would never speak to me again because I was selfish and I couldn’t see my siblings either.
This started decades long cycle, I barely got to see my siblings as they grew unless I did what she wanted which as I grew up, I chose less and less to conform. I only got to see them at family affairs that I was invited to with all family. My grandparents came to my 1st wedding when she refused to. Ultimately the stepfather in questioned that she chose over her own kids in my teens left her and cleared their bank account of his inheritance money the night she came to my house to visit with my second child shortly after I gave birth.
She has been relatively a single parent since, she had to come off road long haul trucking because she had no one to watch 3 young children all the time. The siblings grew into teens and young adults with some major issues. The two older ones cannot stay out of prison, the youngest struggled early in teen years, I tried to help where I could but it was not easy. Their 1st born was in dfcs custody before 2 months old, I took guardianship of both child and parent but they did not stick around and did their own thing. After 2 + years of failed parenting plans etc, we adopted to keep them in family despite the fact my own children were teens at this point.
My mom was angry and said I should have left them in dfcs to disappear but later tried to say I stole the child. My sibling does not feel the same way but they are still very heavily reliant on my mom financially (she control their bank account and money) she would not let them tell me she was pregnant with 2nd child and I didn’t find out till they were 4 months old. They hid pregnancy and baby from rest of family. By the 3rd child we had a better connection but they are still very reliant on my moms financial assistance and when she does not want me to know something or participate in certain events they won’t tell us or avoid contact. I don’t play into the antics though and one of my mom’s biggest issues with me is that I don’t call/text her on daily basis as my siblings supposedly do. I’ve explained that I have a busy life of my own multiple times. I have full time job, manage care of a special needs child and assist with care of aging fil while running a household of 6 people. My grown children still live at home because college and living expenses are too much to handle in this economy.
I do make an effort to text or call every few weeks. I connect for sure on holidays, birthdays etc. I knew when she called to come over today it was important and I was available despite it being a work day normally. She came in bluntly told me about her widow maker heart attack and triple bypass surgery that occurred while she was out on a run in the truck. My sister and aunt where has power of attorney over her will etc was notified in time for them to travel several hours to another state to be there by time she was out of surgery. Per my mom she told them to notify those who called or were in her 2 week call history. Which apparently left me out. I went back into both my call log and text history and showed her our communication with in 10 days of the event and she said she had no idea about it, she was high on morphine at time. I showed her the multiple text conversations we had had since no more than 3 weeks apart between each conversation since January, asking why she never mentioned it during those conversations. She never answered my calls during that time but that was not too unusual. I had met up with my baby sibling a few weeks ago to get the kids together and they never mentioned it either. My mom has been living with them since the event full time and has not worked since. No mention what so ever. I did find out two of her own siblings were also left out intentionally as well and found out much later too. The only reason I found out today was because she found out she had cancer in her kidney and has to have another surgery soon and wants me to get test to make sure I don’t have it. She is not apologetic about leaving me out of the loop at all. She says I have to call her or text once a week in order to be considered for notification of such events.
I’m hurt, I’m flabbergasted and have no idea how to proceed. I’ve discussed cutting all contact with my husband and adult children in relation to mom but that means cutting contact with my baby sibling who is bio parent to my youngest, this cutting their connection to their younger siblings. The older siblings are easier because well honestly they are in jail more than not. I feel like this will never end and she will go to her grave trying to control the narrative.

I'm from a very complicated family, everyone contributes to this weirdest family relationships.
Long story short, parents been separated for 15-20yrs, Mother is 'NPD' controlling freak who hates me and wishes me dead, but slightly changed how she treats since I've been working. My elder brother is not close to me at all, thanks to Mother's manipulation that turned him against me. Father, oh, Father is just... I don't know how to talk about him, I'll try to not put too much emotional stuff in this.
Father worked really hard to raise us two kids. I used to be so sad just watching him going through daily hard labor work, day after day. As you can imagine, he does not make much.
My brother has caused lots of trouble, starting with before I even got to school, families would constantly tell him, his life was degraded because of my birth, which is probably true. Mother would say, look how much your brother sacrificed for me and whatever I ate, my brother spared for me, etc. ever since I was a baby.
While we were still in school, my brother tried to rob some taxi driver and got into lots of trouble. I watched Father’s hair turn grey overnight. Then he got a girl pregnant, and her parents threatened to sue him ‘raping the girl’. Father’s hair went almost completely grey that year.
Father looked so much older during those few years. I feel so terrible cause I was not helping much.
Parents fought every year, especially around festivals. I hate festivals and family reunions as bad as you can imagine.
Even years later now, it sets me in this dramatically desperately sad mode even just talking with them. At least a whole week would be super messed up and then slowly adjusting myself back to be a normal person.
See I really appreciate how Father has done for us and he even got me through college. I witnessed all the pain and hard work he put done for this.
I was close to him but in a weird way, I often hate him too, trying to keep my distance. I didn’t understand why.
Until the 3^rd year in college, one of my friends was really depressed for a while, one day she was talking about some really difficult stuff she was going through with her dad, I was trying to listen and help her through that period.
And suddenly it hit me so hard, shit, think my dad did the same thing to me as well.
That day opened up a gap in that forced to be closed slowly healed rough ugly scar from family traumas, all those left behind memories flooded back to me. Ever since then, I have been in an even worse condition. All the sadness, oh boy, even today, I’m in tears just typing these words.
My uncle is a rapist. Before he was sent to jail, he pulled my pants as well, he didn’t do anything further besides watching, at least that one time that know of, nothing else happened. I was about maybe 5yrs old, I didn’t know what it meant. The year he was arrested, I was already in elementary school and starting to know that was, maybe, not right. When I told my parents about it, and they said, well just shut up about it and don’t mention it to anyone else, you should be ashamed.
When I was about 10yrs old, I started to be sent to semi foster type of families, mainly neighbors, because parents had to work somewhere else, and brother started boarding school. My foster family are generally nice to me, treated me well, fed me 3 meals a day. Food makes people happy.
I was also happy because Father wasn’t around.
The first time I sensed danger I was about 9yrs old.
Again, Mother had never ever told me anything about what is like being a girl, how to deal with period, breast may start to have some changes, wear underwear, wash and clean lady parts, etc. nothing.
I didn’t exist in that house unless she needed someone to vent. As you can see, I was smart, I made myself invisible as much as I could.
Around 4^th grade I had to do some performance for children’s day, our headmaster accidentally realized I was not wearing any undergarments, so she kindly gave me some of her granddaughter’s. After that performance, I started to wear those every day. They look more like little cami top shirts.
One day I woke up, I was already late for school. I got so scared, and I started crying. Father was often more patient with me. He was comforting me and told me to get off bed and get ready for school. I was crying and I wasn’t paying much attention to what he said. And suddenly I realized he stopped talking. I looked up and watched him staring at me, he looked so strange and oddly scary at that moment, not like he was beat me or anything, like a … predator. I tried to figure out what caught his attention and then I realized, half of my breast was showing because the undergarments were too big for me, and I moved when sitting up in bed.
I immediately stopped crying and pulled it up. But I would never forget his eyes, the way he stared at my breasts. It often makes me sick whenever thinking about it even today. I was confused and a bit scared, and I guess ever since then it sort of startled me, the love for my father. But again, I was too young to understand what happened and I did not have anyone around me to tell me girls’ changes around certain age.
Father soon left for a few years, and I was really relived. I don’t know how to describe this feeling and I could only understand myself better till years later.
After Father left, I started going around semi foster families, including my grandparents’ place. Around summertime, I realized the bathroom lock broke, so I just blocked it from inside with chairs every time taking a shower. Still one day, my grandfather forced in and claimed he needed something from the inside. I stood there naked for a second, then rushed to get my clothing and rushed out of the bathroom.
Ever since then, I tried everything to lock that door even more solidly and it worked. The problem is, even today, living thousands of miles away from where I grew up with, I am still extremely insecure with door locks, I buy all sorts of locks to double lock every door, using door stoppers as well.
Then one day, Father just showed up in my school again. He was back. I was happy but deep down something also quietly but terribly disturbed my peace.
One afternoon, while taking a shower, I suddenly felt weird. I started looking around and didn’t find anything odd. But that feeling keeps coming back. So, I looked around again; this time, I saw Father’s face and his eyes were by the window and staring at me, he was so concentrated and didn’t even realize I already saw him. I had to ask him what he was doing there, and he told me he was checking if I finished taking a shower. He looked panicked just like years ago when I busted him staring at my breasts when I was still in 4^th grade.
There were so many little things that happened when I was a kid, but I did not have the knowledge to distinguish what that meant.
I remember starting from one day, my grandmother started to guard me right outside the bathroom every time I took a shower. I didn’t know what that was for, she never mentioned anything, also because she was never that close to me, and I was the least favorite kid.
It’s like a puzzle. So many things started to connect, so many memories I buried deep down started to come back to me. I was so depressed for the first few years after I realized what happened to me when I was a kid. My friend’s memory somewhat triggered my memory valve as well.
About the time I started looking for internships, I was really busy, and it was stressful. One early morning, on the way to work I picked up a call from Father. He told me he was going to commit suicide but didn’t do it because of me.
Mother is really toxic which was not news to me, and they had separated for so many years and I really pity him. I had lots of terrible memories regarding Mother, I thought about suicide so many times every day for many many years ever since I learned the word ‘death’. I just never thought Father was gonna say it out first. It really shocked me, and I was really terrified. But again, death was never an extreme word for me, it was like a relief from my parents. See confused and scared, never knew what’s really going in my mind. I had so much to deal with and I felt I was going to explode but I didn’t have time for that, I was graduating college that year.
But since that, my previous thoughts about confronting Father about his perverting behaviors when I was kid, it just could not be done.
Now for years, I was torn again and again with thoughts about confronting him also worrying it might humiliate him and caused his suicidal thoughts again. I couldn’t tell if he was just trying to manipulate me or was really desperate.
Father worked hard raising my brother and me, and I got into college.
I have been depressed for years, struggling all the time, cutting myself at times when super extremely desperate and couldn’t do anything about it. I would buy tickets traveling all over the world and put parents’ names in my travel insurance, hoping that would pay them back if anything happened.
When I was about 30yrs old, finally one day I confronted him, twice, in person and on the phone, and he denied of course.
Again, I didn’t want to say anything and get him killed, so I stayed quiet for quite a few years again.
But in recent years, I couldn’t help it. I started screaming at him in my dreams and it kept me awake for days after such dreams.
A few days ago, I texted him about it and wanted an apology. I need closure. I desperately need it. I wasn’t planning to go any further than that and I was ready to let it go if he just admits it and just apologize.
After all, for many people, it might not even be considered as such an evil thing to do, right? I don’t know, I am super exhausted and confused.
He soon replied, of course he denied again and saying I was humiliating him, and he said if I still do not believe him, I should consider him dead. Also, he said, you two are my kids, what is there that I have never seen on you two anyways?
I cried for the whole night.
It is so disgusting that he really tried to manipulate me to accept what he said with suicidal/ death threatening, also how he tried to justify his behaviors.
I wished him well and promised to send money when I can, but also told him I won’t be talking to him anymore.
This is as much as I could have done for that little kid when I look back, that little me. It was not as expected but I have to let it go now.
I so wish someone could tell me how someone can be a father also a monster. I don’t know if I am being dramatic about these ‘little things’. I am so worried about he might kill himself because I wouldn’t know how to cure myself with that strike.
But I am in so much pain inside and as always I want to save myself. Every time talking to him is like sharpening this knife to cut open this giant ugly roughly almost healed scar. It’s so ugly and painful.

For context I am a pre licensed clinician. In one week it’ll be one year since I graduated with my masters. I started a new job weeks after graduating & working towards my post masters hours to get licensed. Ive learned a lot in a years time since graduation. The job I had out of grad school was toxic. All they cared about was productivity = how much money I was earning or losing for the company. I picked up on this pretty quick & burn out started settling in month 3/4 & I resigned after 8 months. While I was there I found some great colleagues for support…that was the best part of the job alongside my clients that I found a rhythm with & stuck with me. One of my colleagues I grew close with & I guess you could say we trauma bonded over being new in this field, the burnout we started experiencing, & how to incorporate self care/survive in a toxic work environment. I’m thankful I had this colleague & the lunch dates we shared, time outside of work exploring what we liked & needed for support since our job was horrible offering help to us pre licensed providers. However, their burnout got bad & went on and unpaid leave & I was still working there the last few months before resigning & I guess reflecting back on it now I’m learning how hard it is in the field as a provider & colleague. I definitely overstepped with boundaries by going above & beyond to help this colleague out & learning more about their mental health issues than I should’ve & disclosing my own to them— to the point we both trauma bonded over our passive suicidality and the current sociopolitical issues in the world that influx these feelings/symptoms. I’m glad we both had our own individual therapists for further guidance but i look back & feel like at times we were giving therapy to each other. Now we’re both at different jobs—difference paths. & I still want to connect & offer support to them but maybe less clinical & more friendship wise or vise versa idk but with more boundaries in place this time around & I’ve been ghosted by this person. Alll texts sent are left on delivered… I see why they say your coworkers aren’t your friends & keep it professional but it’s hard when we’re in this field that’s so personal & counte/transference occurs & also being in a shit work environment too you need people to rely on but it’s wild. It makes me not want to get close to another colleague again but obviously this is a field where we consult too so I guess I’m learning what my boundaries are in this process…
All & all I’m glad I have a better work environment now, less worries about productivity as I continue to figure out who I am as a clinician & what frameworks work best depending on the clients needs & the training I have/experience. & I have a better sense of what agencies to avoid that have business/corporate America interests as a priority versus bettering peoples mental health & helping clinicians feel supported too in midst of an active collapses in multiple systems & the intersectionality of it all that not only impacts the marginalized folx I support week by week but also myself & how fucked it can be to worry about profits over offering adequate & affordable mental health services.

On another Korean subreddit:

• Parent Accusing Me of Sexual Misconduct
• School is asking me to hide from the parents and come to work in private

If you have your blackbelt in Hagwon Ju Jitsu, the first thing (and this is what I DM'd the user) is to be highly suspicious of the take-down move going for the legs of "A parent / student said" maneuver. In search bar: Hagwon: Phantom Complaints. How to Fight Back
My clairvoyant comment 4 years ago:

If they need to get you out in a hurry, expect the scare tactic, "You molested a kid! Quick! Run to the airport and leave us all your money before we call the police!" -Hmmm, funny the PARENTS didn't call the police instead of the money-grubbing Hagwon owner.

The first 🚩 red flag 🚩 is, most places on earth would not have the staff contact you about a serious misdeed. The first time you heard about it would be a knock on your door from the police, and be told not to return to work until the situation has been resolved. This is because you are a flight risk and informing you of a crime would be the stupidest thing they could do. A Hagwonite mulling over whether to have the police involved is a clear sign it's made up. If an accusation is serious enough to be made by anyone, then there would be an official complaint made to the authorities. They would quickly take it from there, no one would tip you off the wheels were in motion.

Also, I was told to move out of my apartment to make way for a new teacher, I am constantly being micromanaged, surveilled, and pulled into arguments, and now I'm receiving messages that a parent is accusing me of sexual misconduct.

🚩 Red flag #2 is that the relationship has been increasingly threatening, abusive, hostile etc. The foreigner hasn't taken the hint that they are not wanted and should pack up and head out, Midnight Run it. The Achilles heel of Hagwonites is to push the shame on to the target. They QUIT, couldn't handle it, were failures, left us high & dry without notice, broke the contract, have to stack classes on the other teachers, everyone is a victim because of their selfish actions! They don't want to fire people except as a last resort due to labor laws and looking like they abused a person that didn't do anything wrong. Search bar: Resign, or I will harass you until you do!

First, it was all the arguments, one of which included the director screaming at me and almost crying on the phone at 8 pm while driving because I taught the students to spell "Cabbage" instead of "Lettuce".

--Never underestimate the depths a Hagwonite will stoop, to make a mountain out of a molehill. They are not very smart to begin with, so they find the smallest turn-signal violation and exaggerate it into a 1st degree felony. That's happened to me, and I simply responded, "Yeah, so what?" I didn't allow them to drag me in to apologizing, groveling, get into the weeds about literally nothing, or any of that, the argument for the next 10 minutes was whether it was important or not, and if the subject was befitting someone in a management position who should be able to discern things that need attention and things that can be ignored. The intent is to harass and they won't leave until they have exhausted all of their energy and are happy with the victim's response to it. I concluded by saying it was not important and I'm not changing anything. They can teach the class themselves if they think they can go the entire day without making a single error.
🚩 Red flag #3, ridiculous reasons and excuses, -no evidence.

I eventually received a call from the director telling that one of the parents believes that her daughter saw my private area in the bathroom (I am a male teacher and this accusation or anything close to it never occurred)

1. Oh yeah? Which parent? What's the student's name, which classroom of mine is she in, what time did this occur, and why would she be in the men's bathroom? Let me see the CCTV footage?
2. It's so weak, it's obviously made up. The foreigner would certainly have seen a student of the opposite gender in his bathroom and told them to leave and would not have unzipped anything if that happened.
3. What is a student doing entering or peeping into the men's rest room in the first place? That sounds like student misconduct to me. Why isn't the parent being told to correct their child's behavior and none of this would be an issue?
4. It's not illegal to pull your junk out in the rest room and try to relieve yourself, that's what it's for, it's not the hallway or classroom.

In the follow-up: School is asking me to hide from the parents and come to work in private
is by-the-numbers attempt to continue to harass, but the director doesn't know what to do after a lawyer was called. So first it was a "major" problem of exposing himself to a student, then when a lawyer contacts the school, that was an even bigger error by the employee. Wow, no one can ever do anything right in that place.

Fast forward, the attorney contacted the school, the school says no police were coming to talk to me, but instead, the school talked to the police already on my behalf and I will not be talking to police, so I shouldn't worry.

--NONE OF THIS HAPPENED! Ask the attorney to call the precinct and ask for a copy of the POLICE REPORT. They have to fill out any interaction with the public so it's not all from memory, even if no action is taken. The next officer that fields a call about it, can pull up the report and get a summary of events, dates, names etc.
Yeah, "don't worry" I talk to the police about your felony charge, fine, deportation, and de-escalated the situation for you, you're welcome!

AND IT JUST GETS STUPIDER

Now, my school is asking me to no longer come to work at 9 am and greet the parents, but instead, come to work 30 minutes earlier, hide from the parents, not teach kindergarten anymore, and sit behind a computer on a different floor, alone, doing random administrative tasks.

--A blackbelt would NEVER come in to work 30 minutes earlier without pay. They would absolutely make their presence known to the parents and children so that the lies they were told, would visually be false. They are trying to hide the employee until they quit or get fired, or may have already told everyone a lie that they ran off w/o notice, because that's what they were expecting from the false sexual exposure claim.
Why cooperate? Come down from 2nd floor, walk around, enter the classroom, say hi to everyone when they show and leave.
Why would the other 4 foreigners cooperate? This is a serious accusation, they should all refuse work until the director is made to apologize and reinstate the teacher.
They are apparently bleeding student numbers, are in way over their heads, barely a year old, are over-staffed now, and need to shed labor costs. A foreigner strike would be the nail in the coffin. They would have to reverse themselves, or face foreclosure in about a week after parents yank their kids not having a NET teaching them.
A golden opportunity to bring them to their knees will undoubtedly be totally wasted. It's like the entire defense fell down, and the person with the ball is not sure whether they should go for a lay-up or not.....ridiculous.

this is probably the first time i’ve talked about this online in full detail. i’m gonna try to condense this as much as i possibly can but i need to get everything off my chest (very long post incoming so bare with me please).
i’ve been no contact with my mother since december of 2021. from the time i was 18/19 to 25 i have given her numerous chances to make things right with me and she didn’t take initiative. she’s never fully taken responsibility over the fact that she chose my stepdad over me and for the last twenty years treats me and my sister as an afterthought while making him her number one priority. it was so bad that i contemplated ending my life in 2010 when i was 14 (when i told her about it 3 years later she was anything but sympathetic) and even called CPS the same year. she and my stepdad provided the bare necessities but he was verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive towards me and my sis while my mother neglected my emotional needs. they both have alcohol addictions which didn’t make things better. she’s made statements before about finding another place for me to live while she can go be with him. she almost pulled me out of school one time when i needed to take a school exam so we could go camping with my stepdad (something we did 2-3 times a year, sometimes more). he tried to kick us out numerous times but nothing came of it. one time we did move out of his place but came back after a month because she “loved him too much” and wanted to be with him. basically she’s done a lot of things and more over the years that convinced me she doesn’t see me as important as him and it’s affected my self worth tremendously.
in 2021 i stopped talking to her for about 6-8 months after a phone call where i berated her for being an absent parent, to which she tried to apologize but it came off as performative. i saw her at walmart one time that year and our interaction was awkward. i decided to give her my peace one last time that november by sending a long text message detailing why i didn’t want her to talk to me anymore, and of course she dismissed me entirely. the only part of my message that stuck out to her was how i thought her alcohol addiction was going to kill her someday, and she brought up some things she had heard about me to deflect. she said “you’re never gonna lose me, i have two of the most beautiful daughters i could ever ask for” and i told her “well, you just lost me. please stop contacting me.”
about a month later she texted me saying that my stepdad has cancer, but her follow up message said: “you can stop now”. i got heated, partly because i thought she didn’t take me putting my foot down seriously. i responded, “i’m sorry but that is not my problem, please don’t contact me anymore.” she said, “i didn’t say it was your problem! where is your empathy for god’s sake” after that i went OFF on her. i cussed her out, told her she’s a terrible mother and a myriad of other things. the last thing i said to her was “fuck your empathy, and fuck you too (mom’s name).” her only response to my entire message was the word “wow”.
ever since then i only received one text from her and it was the day after my birthday a couple months later where she wished me well. i’ve since changed phone numbers and blocked her on all social media. it’s 2024 and for some reason i think about her a lot. i worry about what’s gonna happen to her once my stepdad passes (i’m her only blood relative in this state) and whether or not his family will keep her around. my sister is VLC with her because my mom dismisses her often and only seems to care about issues pertaining to my stepdad. my sister stopped reaching out as much when she found out my mom put down her perfectly healthy dog last year (that’s a whole story for another time). my mother has expressed suicidal tendencies in the past so i know mentally she’s not all there. i’m tired of worrying about her like she’s my child. i think about her more than she thinks about me. i don’t know why i do this to myself. she’s made her choice and i keep hoping she’ll change but i know she won’t. it’s heartbreaking. i want to stop thinking about her. she clearly doesn’t care about me the way i want her to. i keep bugging my sister to see how my mom is doing but she’s got a lot going on right now and i feel stupid for doing so. why do i care about her so much? even after all this time?

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for 6 months now. I LOVE this woman and am IN LOVE with this woman. I’ve never connected with anyone to this degree while feeling 100% safe in the relationship as I do now. Everything is damn near perfect on a 1 on 1 level. However she has a 5 year old kid from her previous serious relationship. I was aware she had a kid before making it serious, so I wasn’t “blindsided” per se, but it’s impossible to understand the day to day life of a kid being present and how that changes the dynamic of the intimate relationship especially when you began dating on “kid free nights”. I’m only 26 and she’s 28, and I don’t have kids myself. Her as well as other single/separated mothers often say that’s important for their next significant other to “love her kids as if they’re their own”, but idk at times it seems impossible to even know how to experience that level of unconditional love if you don’t have your own kids. I have a great relationship with her kid. She really really likes me and I really like her! Her kid eagerly asks if I’m coming over on nights when I’m staying at my own place. I love laughing with, playing with, making things with, and memories with her and everything! However, it’s extremely draining. There are so many things I simply find myself annoyed with on a day to day basis. I work at an elementary school for a living. The last thing I want to do when I get home is watch a Disney movie for the 4th time in 5 nights instead of play my game. I don’t feel like being asked “why/howcome/what does that mean/ can we/ can I/ can you/ I need help with/I want to…” My “free” time feels extremely “community-like” until she falls asleep. Idk I’m just really big on decompression and silence as well as quality time with my partner ALONE and almost all of that seems stripped all at once. I know I want to be a father in the future and I’ll know when I’m ready to make the necessary sacrifices to have my own. But that doesn’t feel like now. But I’m torn because I can’t fathom leaving the woman I’m with now. So I guess I’m really asking does this sentiment I’m feeling go away? Can it be worked through? Or does it just become resentment that grows and grows?

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for 6 months now. I LOVE this woman and am IN LOVE with this woman. I’ve never connected with anyone to this degree while feeling 100% safe in the relationship as I do now. Everything is damn near perfect on a 1 on 1 level. However she has a 5 year old kid from her previous serious relationship. I was aware she had a kid before making it serious, so I wasn’t “blindsided” per se, but it’s impossible to understand the day to day life of a kid being present and how that changes the dynamic of the intimate relationship especially when you began dating on “kid free nights”. I’m only 26 and she’s 28, and I don’t have kids myself. Her as well as other single/separated mothers often say that’s important for their next significant other to “love her kids as if they’re their own”, but idk at times it seems impossible to even know how to experience that level of unconditional love if you don’t have your own kids. I have a great relationship with her kid. She really really likes me and I really like her! Her kid eagerly asks if I’m coming over on nights when I’m staying at my own place. I love laughing with, playing with, making things with, and memories with her and everything! However, it’s extremely draining. There are so many things I simply find myself annoyed with on a day to day basis. I work at an elementary school for a living. The last thing I want to do when I get home is watch a Disney movie for the 4th time in 5 nights instead of play my game. I don’t feel like being asked “why/howcome/what does that mean/ can we/ can I/ can you/ I need help with/I want to…” My “free” time feels extremely “community-like” until she falls asleep. Idk I’m just really big on decompression and silence as well as quality time with my partner ALONE and almost all of that seems stripped all at once. I know I want to be a father in the future and I’ll know when I’m ready to make the necessary sacrifices to have my own. But that doesn’t feel like now. But I’m torn because I can’t fathom leaving the woman I’m with now. So I guess I’m really asking does this sentiment I’m feeling go away? Can it be worked through? Or does it just become resentment that grows and grows?

So I met this guy two months and we hit it off super well. He was cute in real life and we had great banter. We went to a museum for our first date and stayed till closing and after the date he asked for my number and consistently asked me out for dates for a month straight. Here I was thinking…wow…this could be the one. And then one day randomly he didn’t ask to meet me again. He says he’s so busy with work and we don’t see each other for two weeks. I was like hmmm ok ok but the date after two weeks went well so I was like whatever. And THEN he doesn’t ask me out got another MONTH. I was like wtf?? I pretty much lost my mind because I was so confused. I asked him earlier when we were dating what’s he’s looking but he said he’s looking for a relationship so I was thinking ok cool we’re on the same page but on our last date after the month I was like we need to communicate more?? Like wtf?? And he said AT MOST he can only see me once a week and when we first started dating he just had a lot of time but now he doesn’t because of work?? Like what kind of job takes up this much time where you can’t see the other. He said he’s basically a glorified secretary which takes up a lot of time for him. He would constantly say he barely even has time for himself and would get home at a really late hour (like 7 pm-8pm). Also he mentioned to me that he’s only seeing me and he’s not a casual dater and would rather just date but because we don’t see each other often and it t wouldn’t be sustainable. Anyways at the end he said he doesn’t have time to start a relationship but we could pick things up down the road when work isn’t as busy (which I’m not sure how truthful that is). My gut is telling me not to wait and I’m not but it just sucks to meet a person on this garbage app and actually have a connection. I wish I knew what made him pull away but I know at the end of the day I know it doesn’t matter because if a man wanted to he would right?

I’ve been trying to remember a manga that I read back in middle school, and I can’t for the life of me find it no matter how I search it up. Its a bit of an old one, maybe before 2009. It involves a strong loud female lead that has some sort of a connection with some delinquents, an asshole male love interest who’s rich and a beautiful female character who is connected to him (I think it’s his fiancée). The female lead and male love interest barely interacted in the beginning and don’t really know each other, at least from what I can remember.
At some point there’s a motorcycle accident where she ends up going in a coma, she’s then transferred to the beautiful females body. I don’t remember what exactly happened to his fiancée(?) for the female lead to be able to sort of reincarnate into her body. I don’t remember if she died or she also with into a coma due to an illness or what.
Then after that the female lead actually interacts with the male love interest and ends up falling in love with her due to similar interests and how eccentric she is. He doesn’t know anything about the switch or anything, he just sees a sudden complete change in character.
I’m so sorry for the vagueness it’s just been so long since I read it lol. Now you see why it’s been so hard for me to find. If you need any more details just let me know.

Okay I know how this sounds, but hear me out first. Buckle in it’s gonna be a long one. My boyfriend, R (23M) and I, CK (24F) been together a little over a year and a half although it certainly hasn’t always been easy, we get along pretty well. My only complaint is that he is nice, too nice. He always bends over backwards for people who don’t deserve it AKA, his family.
My boyfriend is in college, drives a beater car, and works part time and a convenience shop, so to say he is broke is kind of an understatement. That doesn’t matter to me though, because I love him madly. This relationship is the most constructive and healthy connection I have ever been in. Anyway, we both live at home because rent prices, among other things are way too expensive. My boyfriend loves his family. It’s one of the qualities that really attracted me to him, because I do not have a good relationship with my own family. Although it was endearing at the start, I now think they are taking advantage of him.
He is a personal chauffeur to his unappreciative little sister. He is constantly cutting our time short to go take her to hair appointments that he pays for, work, school, shopping, and anywhere else she wants to go without any notice for FREE. I don’t think I have ever heard her say thank you to him. Half of the time we are together when she calls him so he has to use my car to take her places. More of the same with his parents, when they call he magically transforms into an InstaCart shopper or a DoorDasher before my eyes (cue eye roll.) They also think we spend too much time together, so they have recently enacted a curfew which I think is outrageous considering he is a 23 year old MAN and he does so much for them. All they do is command him to do things, and he does it no questions asked.
His birthday was last week right before Mother’s Day. Unsurprisingly, no one in his household bought him a present for his birthday. I, of course, got him a gift and a mini cake for his birthday to make him feel special and appreciated since he does a lot for me and my son. He took it home and placed in the fridge and jokingly said “I hope no one eats it.” When he said that it absolutely ticked me off, and of course a day later before he could even have a piece, they demolished it. I know it may seems minor but, his family has a habit of taking things from him without permission. For context, one Christmas I bought him a set of cologne and planned the two of us a trip for new years. We had an amazing time together and it really solidified that this is what I wanted in a relationship. Long story short, we came back from our trip, he went into his room to see that the very expensive cologne I bought him was now missing. My heart sank when he told me this. I told him straight up he needs to stand up for himself and if this continues he is allowing them to continue this behavior. But as always he turned it into a joke.
Anyway, we had plans today. We were both off work, which is rare. We haven’t really had much time to celebrate his birthday from last week because like I said previously he works at a convenience store and has crazy hours, while I work a 9-5 as well as caring for my son who is in Pre-K. We have both been raving about a posh little restaurant downtown that we have wanted to go to for quite some time now. I wanted to make a reservation for lunch because I knew for sure his sister and my son would be in school, so we were completely free for a little while. I mean it sounds like it would all work out right? WRONG. It never does.
His sister typically gets out of school at 3:30 PM then she goes home to get dressed for work and needs to be dropped off there around 4:00-5:00 PM. Keeping this in mind I set our reservation for 12:30 PM. Anyway we get there a bit late, but we were still able to be seated and our lunch went well. We were near a mall with time to spare, so we decided we would stop by to window shop. We walked around for a bit and the time flies by. Suddenly it was 2:30 PM his sister goes absolutely crazy and blows his phone completely up. I asked him was everything okay and did we need to leave since we drove my car there together. He insisted everything was fine and we continued our shopping. I curiously asked him what time he planned to leave and he said we would go at 3:00 which was fine with me.
We lost track of time and we ended up leaving later than intended at about 3:15 PM, but we were only about 20 minutes away and we wouldn’t have her waiting very long. As we’re driving she is still going crazy blowing his phone up constantly asking where he was as he was driving. I was getting annoyed because we were going to go and get her in my car, when she’s so unappreciative of her brother and his efforts to keep her happy and to help her. I held my tongue though because I could hear the agitation increase within his voice as they spoke and I felt as if I would only make things worse. My boyfriend is very sweet and it isn’t often that he gets angry, so she was really pushing his buttons.
She called him a whopping 10 times during a 20 minute drive, and at one point they had a screaming match on the phone and he told her, “You knew I was busy and not at home, why didn’t you ask one of our parents to get you if you wanted to be picked up without having to wait?” Their house is only 8 minutes away from the school so I was beyond ticked off and annoyed at this point. When we finally arrived at her school admittedly a little late, she is nowhere to be found. We waited for a while for her and he called to see where she was, apparently she caught a ride from a friend to be dropped off at her aunts house. The rage I felt in that moment was unparalleled. If they could take you to your aunts house why didn’t they take you home?!
Anyway within the commotion I asked him to swing by my son's school so we could pick him up. I then asked him which one would “come first” purely referring to the geographic location of each person considering I didn’t want him to waste any more of my own gas. I guess I used the wrong choice of words.
He replied to me with something that stung me down to the core. He said, “My sister and my family will always come first.” He saw the surprised and hurt look on my face and quickly added, “but this is your car we can go get him first.” I was taken aback by that statement. I understand that family is blood related, but these people do not respect your time, privacy, hell even your freedom. After he said that the rest of the car ride was a blur and I truly felt like I was overreacting at first. We planned to take my son to the park after we dropped his sister off but I ended up telling him I didn’t feel well and we had to cancel. I’m at a loss here guys. Do I have any right to feel hurt by what he said to me? I mean this is the man I planned on creating a family with, becoming old with. Now I’m not so sure. Help me out here and lmk if I am the A-Hole.

Basically, it's what the title says.
I'm not a late bloomer in the sense of knowing I was gay late. I've known I was gay but fell victim to comp het, religious upbringing and a heavy sense of delusion. I dated some women in high school but then had lots of trauma and stuff happen that connected to my upbringing and shame around being queer, that made me start dating only men and non women folks for most of my 20s. I'm now 30.
Long story short, I found dating non women easier - probably because I wasn't worried about them not being as attracted to me, because I wasn't really attracted to them in that way, so the rejection wouldn't sting as much were it to happen.
But now that I've come to terms with my sexuality and emotional and romantic connection to women, the insecurities from my past have resurfaced. I am going to therapy soon to deal with this but my question for others on this thread... How do you deal with this, if you know what I'm talking about? Like I look at pictures on dating sites as I'm swiping and I think, "She's so beautiful. She would never match with me. I'm out of her league. I'll never be attractive to women."
These kind of thoughts are coming up a LOT now that I'm looking to start dating and it's really making me sad. I also had a lot of exploration with gender and presentation, which was fueled by my desire to look attractive to women. i.e. if I present more masculine, women will like me more? I was afraid to be femme because I thought it might lessen my chance of dating women.
I'm aware now that I can present how I want and a healthy partner will love and enjoy me for however I look... But that's easier said than done. Any advice or support is welcome <3

i honestly dread my birthday every year (this year's comes up this weekend). it always highlights just how lonely And alone i am :( the effort i see going into other people's birthdays, especially from those i considered close friends, stings so hard. my parents get me a cake and card every year, but i only recently realized that i haven't had a birthday cake in a flavor that i like in years, maybe ever (i think i remember an ice cream cake back in elementary school)
it's pretty sad but i also realized that a surprise party has always been a lowkey dream of mine- it happening would be indicative of so many things ive been desperate for, finally being mine. a social group large enough and that cares about me enough to fill up a party about me, at least one close trusted loved one who knows me and my people well enough to organize it.. i struggle with emotional permanence and remembering that people do think about me when im not immediately around, and believing that any small efforts i do receive from friends aren't just superficial or to save face, so a surprise party would also address those issues (not cure them per say but it would be reassuring). a group of people working behind the scenes, aka not just to placate me, to make an event for and about me.. haha wow imagine..!! it sounds so nice and heartwarming and i get choked up imagining it ever happening to me heh
anyway strength and love to everyone who's also dealt with birthday blues and thank you for a space i can get this off my chest without judgment in (dw im in therapy lol im just in between sessions atm) <3 ill buy myself a slice of cake in a fave flavor at least

So I met this guy two months and we hit it off super well. He was cute in real life and we had great banter. We went to a museum for our first date and stayed till closing and after the date he asked for my number and consistently asked me out for dates for a month straight. Here I was thinking…wow…this could be the one. And then one day randomly he didn’t ask to meet me again. He says he’s so busy with work and we don’t see each other for two weeks. I was like hmmm ok ok but the date after two weeks went well so I was like whatever. And THEN he doesn’t ask me out got another MONTH. I was like wtf?? I pretty much lost my mind because I was so confused. I asked him earlier when we were dating what’s he’s looking but he said he’s looking for a relationship so I was thinking ok cool we’re on the same page but on our last date after the month I was like we need to communicate more?? Like wtf?? And he said AT MOST he can only see me once a week and when we first started dating he just had a lot of time but now he doesn’t because of work?? Like what kind of job takes up this much time where you can’t see the other. He said he’s basically a glorified secretary which takes up a lot of time for him. He would constantly say he barely even has time for himself and would get home at a really late hour (like 7 pm-8pm). Also he mentioned to me that he’s only seeing me and he’s not a casual dater and would rather just date but because we don’t see each other often and it t wouldn’t be sustainable. Anyways at the end he said he doesn’t have time to start a relationship but we could pick things up down the road when work isn’t as busy (which I’m not sure how truthful that is). My gut is telling me not to wait and I’m not but it just sucks to meet a person on this garbage app and actually have a connection. I wish I knew what made him pull away but I know at the end of the day I know it doesn’t matter because if a man wanted to he would right?

Hello! I am new to this reddit community although I discovered Healthygamergg's videos around a year ago.
I have moved around a number of times in my life, but this year I moved from a school I had been at for eight years back to a school district I lived in before those eight years.
Anyways, I feel like at this school I am unhappy because I feel like I don't have the same deep friendships that other seniors have, and I don't feel any true connection to the friends I do have here. Perhaps this is because I simply haven't been here for long enough to form those connections. I also am upset at the fact that it's hard to find friends who I share similar interests to. For example, I really like basketball, and at my old school I knew many kids with whom I would play with. Here, I did find a friend and we did play basketball, but it was only a few times and I never quite found a group of friends who share similar interests to me.
Also, I have developed quite a bit of social anxiety, and I am constantly worried that people will judge me for all kinds of things like how I dress and how I look and who I am friends with and what I say. It makes me exhausted, and because of this very often I dread going to school, which is foreign to me because at my old school I actually liked going to school.
And I feel like to some extent people are actually judging me, and it's not all in my head. Let me explain:
I have always been someone who likes to talk, and I would consider myself a really witty person who when they are comfortable. I approached this year with a lot of optimism, and I did meet a lot of people through activities and sports and classes with whom I am now friends. But I feel like when I do make jokes and get too comfortable, people stop taking me seriously, or sort of see me as the clown who is the person to be laughed at. I don't like that. Don't get me wrong, I feel like people still respect me and I have made friends through my humor, but sometimes I feel like people are laughing at me rather than with me
It might also be helpful to mention that although I moved to this school for senior year, I lived in this school district around 10 years ago, so in early elementary school. Because of this, a lot of kids still knew me and I knew them, which is a good thing I guess, but I also was a kind of weird kid back in the day, and maybe I still am. It's just that I feel like here I am treated like I am more weird, whereas at my old school people treated me with respect and I felt like I was appreciated as a person.
Maybe this is bias, but I feel like I have reason to believe that in this school district I have just been treated worse. For example, when I was here, I was always put in either the normal or "special" classes and was never a smart kid. Then I moved to what is now my old school and I feel like I was given another chance to prove my academic ability and since then I have been a straight A student taking all the hardest classes. Also, in this school district, I used to have few friends, and I knew that people would talk behind my back or judge me for how loud I could be, or for I don't even know what just people would judge me. But at my old school, sure people initially made fun of me or judged me, but I feel like I slowly built respect and made a lot of friends who actually cared about me and thought I was a cool and normal person. Something I want to have here, which I feel I don't.
Anyways, I hope this makes any sense (my brain is fried since I have an AP tomorrow) and I know that all of this won't really matter because my school ends next week and I graduate in a few weeks, but I do worry that this year my self esteem has gotten a lot lower, and I know that this can do a lot of harm when I try to build relationships after highschool.

A few weeks ago, I posted about my frustrations with the animation industry. It was poorly written and missing many details. I have also taken more time to think over your advice and now need more. I am using a separate account btw. I
I've wanted to be in the animation industry ever since watching Spider-Verse and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Not necessarily as an animator, but possibly as a concept artist or storyboard artist. I aspire to create shows that can impact young people like me.
However, everything changed when I worked on my portfolio for animation schools. I experienced burnout and lost a lot of my joy and enthusiasm. It was emotionally taxing, and I began to doubt whether I could handle the demands of the industry on a daily basis. Consequently, I opted to attend a regular university and pursue a standard degree. I'm currently studying international relations, a fascinating but not particularly lucrative field unless I choose to pursue law, which I've considered. Although my university does offer an animation program, it requires numerous prerequisites before students can learn animation. Despite possessing other skills—I could potentially excel as a lawyer or construction manager—I can't shake the feeling that I would be wasting the talents given to me by God. My passion for visual storytelling is something I can't let go of, and I fear that if I don't produce animations or write and draw comics for the world to see, I will have wasted my life. Perhaps if I create a successful comic, it could be adapted into animation like Invincible, but even that presents its own set of challenges.
The animation industry appears to be ailing, or at least losing its allure. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of spending all day on a computer or working on uninspired movies or TV shows. Corporations often overwork employees, resulting in the production of mediocre content. While I've heard stories of animators being overworked on projects like Spider-Verse, some still find it worthwhile because the end product is of high quality. However, much of the industry now seems focused on sequels or streaming shows. Although many streaming shows are of good quality, I'm skeptical about their long-term profitability. People pay for the service, not necessarily the individual shows, which can lead to lesser-quality content like Velma receiving second seasons despite low viewership or reception. Additionally, good shows are frequently canceled.
I'm also developing a phobia of technology. Spending excessive time on a computer has led me to believe that hand-drawn paper animation is becoming obsolete. I recall taking a summer animation course at an art school and disliking animating with a computer; it felt devoid of tactile sensation and made me feel like a cog in a machine. Much of the industry's creativity has been flattened, leaving me feeling despondent.
I want to live a life where I can maintain my upper-middle-class family lifestyle, but I'm also a man driven by passion. However, with the cost of living increasing, I fear that sacrifices may be necessary. If I were to become an economic refugee, I worry that I wouldn't possess any useful skills to transfer to other countries. Unlike others, I can't solely rely on financial motivations; otherwise, I would have pursued a career as an accountant or engineer. Additionally, I've found that I'm not interested in exclusively associating with artistic individuals; I value friendships with people from various backgrounds, including those studying to become accountants, journalists, or scientists.
I've already sold my iPad Pro and gaming computer, leaving me without equipment. However, I'm considering giving it another try. Perhaps I should explore options like CGMA or Animation Mentor. My parents encouraged me to attend college because they believed it would provide better industry connections, and while they were right, I also find it to be expensive and overrated.
How can I keep my passion for visual storytelling alive and productive as the world economies change?

Will try to make this short with TLDR. At a bit of a crossroads.
TLDR: Is it financially stupid to go back to previous employer if they've approached me (albeit on a better wage than previous) for increased work life balance with new negotating power. Both employers very stable secure jobs.

• Current: 180K, WFH 2 days, 80 hou10 day fortnight - Benefit of exposure to newer Cloud systems etc... stronger wage growth potential in future (200K next year or so). Negative: stressful, responsible for other peoples work, days in office are lonely/provide no benefit, taking some days off for mental health...

versus...

• Option: 160K~ with previous employer, WFH unlimited (but happy to go in 1-2 days to see friends face to face), 60 hou8 day fortnight, 5 weeks leave, LSL resumes - straight back into solid leadership team of good friends, direct connection to senior leaders, technical work and can be creative. Use extra weekday for hobbies, life, side business. Negative: back to same systems and red tape, slow wage growth, 'going back to employer is a terrible move'

Detail...
Background: 15+ years with a longterm stable employer. Worked up into leadership role but hands on technical delivery. Strong network, good work friends. Finally left as wanted to see 'other' workplaces, got a bit bored and push income higher. Left on approx $120K in the last year. Previous employer colleagues/leaders have kept in touch checking in since I left.
Current: Landed job in company about one year in now, WFH 2 days, 180K salary (200K next couple of years). Work is stressful (across many projects, under resourced teams, putting out fires from mismanaged development etc), but I'm delivering really well - learned a lot, but mentally struggling, have had to take a couple of days off as I just couldn't log on. Have met with leadership as my line manager said I'll burn out with how much has been put on me (out of their control) - leadership convo had no concrete answers, just broad 'this is the direciton we are going' around high level roadmaps - but nothing about my actual day to day work. Fair bit of staff turnover in my role - many deactivated person accounts I've come across. Do I push through the pain for the hope of a different role (big organisation)?
Option: Previous employers CEO has been asking why certain technical work isn't being completed anymore, answer was it was me. Been approached to come back - I've had the power to negotiate, was an enjoyble conversation. Salary ~160K (hard cap unfortunately), four day work week, five weeks annual leave, WFH. LSL will resume. No staff. Pick my projects. Hands on technical which I enjoy. Superannuation comparable in both orgs but obviously less with the lower wage. Keen to use the four day work week to look at setting up my own side business (expanding on some ad-hoc freelancing I do for free with friends and family members). However the net loss in income.. and how that compounds over years as well as is it a terrible idea to 'go back' (even though they approached me). Do I get the life balance/sanity back and focus on family/hobbies/my own business? Wife is supportive as she's seen the toll on my mental health but I'm the finance guy in our family and the $'s always keep coming to mind.
Expenses: Probably at our peak spending years, aged approx 40. Teenagers/pre teens in private school (total $25k year). Mortgage ~470K (PPOR val ~900K). No other debts. Super 450k+90k. Wife working part time (50-60k year).

So, I've kind of posted about this in other threads, specifically on askreddit, but by some users request, I will do my best to fully relay this entire tale up to the current point, as well as provide as much context I am able (and will provide missing context if asked in comments).
TL;DR
A friend of mine of 4 years drank himself into liver failure and his wife cheated on him, so I offered him a free room to try and put his life back together, and I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own, but honestly, it's probably not that bad.
Part 1: CONTEXT
Me and my wife have been together since early 2014, and married in late 2017. We have been through much together, including two extended deployments, one of which was 10 and a half months long. We have traveled the world together, lived on both coasts of the US, and despite much of our struggles and how things eventually went down, I was always convinced we would work as a team to overcome any issues.
The friend in question was, largely, an online friend. We met playing an MMO during covid and we quickly formed a very tight knit, but small, community that were very close that included me, my wife, my friend, his wife, and 4 other friends. Covid was a wild time and I was surprised how easy it was to form friends in this group and we kept in touch, as a whole, even once quarantine had ended and most of us had moved on from that particular game. This was a group that, while it started online, we have met most of these people several times IRL and had vacations to spend time together and just hang out.
Part 2: His Problems
Fast forward to about January of 2024. My buddy, from here on out I will refer to as Z (and for a quick add, I will refer to my wife as D), contacts us to tell us his condition is dire and he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver as a consequence of his extensive drinking. Shaken, we quickly charter a flight out to visit. Within a week, we're staying with him and his wife and his roommate and a couple members of his family who are taking care of him. This man is bloated, yellow, and probably about 350lbs now. We are worried, but stay supportive and positive that help can be found, especially since he seems keen on changing his lifestyle for the better. Some of his family start a gofundme that we donate to, and many of the people in our gaming circle who have grown close also donate several thousand dollars (One member of our raid team donated 10k. You never know who is stealth rich on the internet I guess). Me and several other friends discuss the possibilities of helping him get on disability and even getting ourselves tested as compatible living donors. Sad, but hopeful, we depart about a week later, and stay in constant touch.
About a month later, I'm getting a call from one of our mutuals letting me know that "Hey, so I may have goofed up." and tells me how Z's wife had visited him and had a 3 way with him and his wife. I am obviously irate at this and turn to back Z up with comments like "So much for in sickness and in health, huh?" I do what I can to stay supportive, and my wife, D, also makes it a point to stay in touch with him as he has found himself banished to the couch of his apartment. Not even allowed to sleep in his own bed and frequently uncomfortable even being in his bedroom to use the PC.
I'm not particularly rich, but I am not poor either. I served in the military and have a high VA rating which means a constant income and have a steady job and a couple side gigs that pay well enough. My love language, in many ways, is gift giving. I pride myself on being able to pick a good gift, even if it's a little early for an occasion such as a bday or christmas, and will often pull the trigger on something if it means a lot or I think it will help. In this case, my brother was selling an old steam deck because he wanted a new OLED model, so I figured "two birds, one stone", and buy the steam deck off him and send it to Z so we can still game together.
In the intervening months, Z and D start playing games that I have no interest in (Disney Dreamlight Valley), but I am happy to play other games and hang out and chat. Really, nothing seems amiss, but since his banishment, me and my wife are both pushing for him to come and take up the spare bedroom we have in our home. Soon enough, I buy him a plane ticket and he arrives with little more than the clothes on his back and we take him in, no cost other than the expectation that he might help around the house a bit (he was a chef, so having a cook and someone to help clean was ideal for me who often did not have the time or energy to handle these tasks as thoroughly as I would like).
Part 3: The Incident
Now, I am skipping ahead a little bit here, but there's not much to be said about the time between. My wife worked part time hours, and when she did go to work, she'd have him tag along just so he wouldn't "Sit and stew with bad thoughts" at the house alone. I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs because I trusted him, but more importantly, I trusted her with my life.
One new, frequent argument I found myself having with her was she would fall asleep on the couch, and when I finally tried to go to bed, I'd do my best to wake her and drag her upstairs. These became extremely frequent occurrences and I expressed to her how frustrated I was that I had to fight with her just to come to bed so we could sleep (mind you, this is not even about sex. Often I'm taking her to bed at like, 1am and I work at 7, so I really just wanted her to be sleeping in the bed). Hell, one time, I started catching the vibes that the longer I sat and waited for her to be ready to go upstairs, she just never would be, because they were waiting for me to leave so they could talk in hushed tones. On THAT particular night, I went upstairs alone with her finally awake, and she did not join me for another half hour.
Finally, the day arrives. Its Sunday. We are all downstairs hanging out. One of their newest habits I can't really stand but just dealt with is that she'd sit and crochet while he doomscrolled or strummed on a guitar I bought him and listen to music videos on youtube endlessly. Eventually, I grow weary and give my wife a kiss and tell her I'm gonna go upstairs and play some GW2 for a bit.
About an hour passes, and she enters the game room and tells me "I am uncomfortable. I really need to talk to you. Oh, you're dying!" (As she entered the room, I immediately turn face to talk to her and disregard the game, but she decided that my Charr was more important that what was about to happen, so she of course warns me.) We step into the bedroom and close the door.
"You're going to hate me," she says through tears, "me and Z kissed!" At this point, my brain short circuits and I recall one of my first thoughts being "Oh lord, here we go." and just a general desire to not be a part of this conversation. Shock sets in almost immediately. Still with a healthy dose of denial, I talk to her about what had happened and told her that it needed to end. Even at this point, I did not want to send this man home. Was it shock? Denial? Probably a mixture of the two, or some other additional emotional responses. She gets up after some discussion and goes downstairs, promising to shut him down, but comes back about 15 minutes later sobbing "I couldn't do it! I couldn't end it..." (Side note: In my confused haze of a mind, I feel personally threatened, and after she leaves the bedroom, I lock the door and grab a metal water cub I keep at my side and prepare to actually fight if it comes to it, but once she returns, I back off that idea again.)
Talking with her more, I present her with two options; Couple's therapy, or divorce. BOTH of these options are world ending to her, and she even goes so far as to suggest that just because I said the "D word" that it was what I wanted, which was objectively untrue. We talk back and forth about things I don't quite recall at this point, aside from one point where she comes back and locks herself in the master bath and tells me to call 911, she doesn't care, because she's going to take a bunch of pills, but after a couple of hours, Z shows up to the door and knocks and asks if he can come in. I tell him he may enter, and we talk for a bit. After about 5ish minutes, we decide to go downstairs to the living room and continue the discussion.
Once I sit down on the sofa, I immediately feel like I'm being positioned as the bad guy. I'm in the corner of our sectional, and she's on my left, he's on my right. She tells him "He said it's either a divorce or couple's therapy." "Oh, so he gave you an ultimatum?" I continue to argue that yes, those are the two only options. Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option." I am thoroughly baffled at this statement.
D: I didn't think it was possible and I didn't mean for it to happen, but I have fallen in love with another man. My heart has room for two. I truly have two soulmates. I have never been happier than sleeping on the couch next to my two boys.
Z: There is no reason you guys can't stay married, and we can explore what we've found. I mean, look at how happy she has been since I have been here!
Sick to my stomach, I get up to go vomit in the toilet. Now, I wore a silicone wedding ring, and often find even with a hand wash, a little water tends to get trapped under it. After I finish and wash myself up, I come back and am playing with my ring to dry it. She sees this as a sign that I am uncomfortable again wearing my ring, and takes off her ring as I sit back down and hands me her wedding ring.
Me: Uh, excuse me?
D: This is what you want, I can tell.
Me: No? I was washing my hands and water gets stuck under my ring...
D: Oh... I thought... okay. (And she takes back her ring from me)
I tell her, very clearly, the options are to either end things with him, or end things with me. At this point, I'm still in shock, but sober in mind enough to decide that this is not worth fighting over. I will not argue with my own wife my merits or why she shouldn't just pack up and leave with a jobless, now essentially homeless man, and if she cannot figure that out herself then I will eventually move on.
Crying, sobbing, she sits down in front of him and says, "I'm so sorry, I fought for you. I really did. I told you I'd fight for you and I failed. I loved being your girlfriend, but I need to be a good wife and stay."
Z says "Alright." and starts to go gather his things to leave. As he does, she grabs him and says "No, wait! Please don't go. I don't know what I want."
Z: Ok, well if we're getting all this out in the open, I want to say this. I love this girl. I love her with my whole heart, and without her, life is not worth living. I will not leave this house if you (me) tell me to. Only her. You are taking this very well right now, I can tell you want to hit me (Still in shock, no, I can genuinely say that emotion or thought had not actually registered outside of the event upstairs earlier), but this is my stand.
D: OP, we had a good run. I'm sorry.
And with that, I get up and go to get my sandals and leave the house to get some air. As I try to go, she runs to the door and he follows her. She pushes the door closed and says "No wait, please!"
Me: No, this is the deal. I'm going out to get some fresh air. I am not threatening self harm to "win you back".
D: Will you be back?
Me: I don't know.
Z: Man, I'm telling you, you don't understand, you think I am your enemy, but I am not.
And with that, I leave and shut the door.
In the about, hour, I am gone, I drive around near the house and I call my supervisor who I have a very good relationship with (and I did not want to involve direct friends or family yet because I'm afraid it's too early to start spreading this news). I go over to her house nearby and we chat shortly. After our talk, I have at least something of a clear head and go home, with words for both of them.
As I arrive home, there is no one downstairs. I go upstairs. His door is closed. I knock on the door.
Z: Uh, one second.
I wait for about 5 agonizing seconds, but I refuse to be shut out of rooms in my own home and open the door. He is shirtless, and she is hiding in the corner just out of sight of me. I look him in the eye.
Me: Really?
Z: Yep.
Me: Get out of my house.
And with that, they both silently pack their things and leave.
The second I hear the front door close, I start calling people. I am not above pettiness, and the first person I call is her mom, whom I have a good relationship with. She is SHAKEN and immediately calls her. (I find out later that it was a particularly harsh verbal beating by her, but it really doesn't change anything.)
When I come downstairs to check the state of the house, I see her wedding ring on the counter. I call out of work the next day and lay down and hope I die.
Part 4: Her Problems
So, there is some additional context that I did not add in part 1 because a lot of it is red flags I ignored over the course of our relationship that, in the days following, started to become more and more obvious. There are many that I spent much effort playing off or covering her for, but I will try to briefly list much of what I see as glaring issues in the relationship that were never remedied.
This woman is 30 years old and cannot drive. She can drive and HAS driven my vehicle at the start of the relationship (albeit illegally), but after one tiny little accident where she hit a pole and knocked my side mirror off (which she paid for and fixed before telling me, it really wasn't a big deal. I was on deployment), she never drove again. Attempts to get her behind the wheel would end very quickly after they started, and the conditions to get her in the seat were often extremely time limited, scheduled, or something would come up, and every time I told her "okay, this month we're getting your license for sure" it just wouldn't happen and I'd end up feeling like the one who was at fault.
She does not have her Bachelor's degree because she did not turn in her final project for one single class. Not only that, but she has never truly pursued a career with the things she learned from the coursework, or even used her AA.
For half of the relationship, she did not work at all. When she did, it was often part time work, and if she was saddled with full time hours or, god forbid, overtime, it was a world-ending affair. She would come home and constantly be tired from her few hours at work and would do little more than sit around and crochet.
Our agreement when we bought our house was that she was going to work full time and we were going to split household duties, but I would definitely scoop the cat box because she was allergic (but she wanted cats) and wash dishes (because she hated them), and she would do laundry (because I hated it). In practice, all her version of laundry turned out to be was to throw loads in when one of us was out of clothes and just hit wash and then rotate, and then leave all the clothes in a pile on the bed. EVERYONE KNOWS folding the laundry is the worst part! Come on! Men's clothes are easy! I don't wear that much! (When we would fold, I often finished in a third of her time and would just hang out and chat until she was done)
Ultimately, this meant that for many years now, she was working barely more than part time if she was working at all, and would sort-of do laundry. Meanwhile, I am scooping litter, folding laundry, doing dishes, doing all related yard work, doing all the household cleaning, handling all the finances, I did MOST of the cooking, and all of the grocery shopping (often going alone), driving her from work if I could (she'd uber it if not) and picking her up and driving her home, as well as just generally being a chauffeur for her for 10 years, while working a full time job and a side gig online. Many nights I'd have to stop what I was doing to pick her up at closing hours, and then would sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes while she did tasks like vacuum her little crystal shop that she definitely could have done before close so I didn't end up waiting so damn long. Then we'd come home hang out and eat while we watched TV, and then if I wanted to try and go upstairs to do another hobby, I'd be silently guilted about it because she wanted to sit on the couch and crochet.
Part 5: My Problems
I am not perfect, and admit I have flaws. One of her favorite things to claim to our friends now is that I was "emotionally neglectful", and if there is truth to it, I think I can pin down the day. Before I started working full time again, I was going to school on the 9/11 GI bill. I was not a good student in my younger years, but in time, I have become rather good at school. My first two semesters back I easily maintained a 4.0 GPA. Over the summer in 2022, I, woefully, decided to take a Calc 2 class online because I could not find one in person and wanted to be ready for Calc 3 in the Fall to fill a prereq for my bachelor's, and I really liked the instructor for that Calc 3 class. This calc 2 class was painful. The instructor had clearly recorded all his lectures during Covid and we were simply given the full course of videos and given work assignments and said "Email me if you have questions." This is not how I learn, but I figured, hey, it's one class. I'm working again, but one class isn't a huge deal. I can knock this out.
I was wrong.
After the second exam, I had a low C in the class and I knew I couldn't keep up. I withdrew from the class feeling no other option. I tend to be pretty good at math, and ultimately my dream was to work with 3d printing on an industrial scale with a Mechanical Engineering degree- and if that failed I had my military history (which is engineering relevant) and a degree to fall back on and work should come easily. After clicking that withdraw button, I saw those dreams vaporize. After that, I threw myself into my government civilian job full time and slowly fell into depression. By the end of our relationship, with the toll of doing 99% of the work around the house and for her and with my dreams dead and buried, at age 33, I would wake up and pray I died. I would never kill myself, but I wanted to just die. I felt backed into a corner. I still did everything I could to support her and hoped that one day, she would pick up some of the load and maybe, just maybe, I could go back, but that day did not come (At least not in the way I expected).
Part 6: The Aftermath
This post is already too long, and if I include every single detail that has come to light since, I might actually hit the post cap, but I will go over at least some of it here.
I have had my friends come out in droves. Both of them have been effectively exiled, at least from what I can see, from every friend circle we have. After a couple of days, they flew back to live with, I guess, his parents in Vegas while they sorted shit out, because after I spoke with Z's previous roommate, he adamantly explained he was tired of all the "fucking drama" that Z had been bringing into the house and was just done with it.
I have spoken with many, many people and gotten even more context and even receipts of some of each of their conversations to our mutual friends, and some of the shit I read is just hilarious. He is "not ashamed of pursuing happiness, he is just sad that people got hurt". She is "coming to terms with emotional neglect and felt trapped, but now, yes now, she is free."
I got my neighbors to watch the cats, and took my dog up to visit my closest friend of 20 years and spent about a week and a half drinking, smoking, and talking about all this while surrounded by some of the most beautiful nature the US has to offer. Truly, without this man, I don't think I'd have gotten this far as quickly as I have. He really has been a lifesaver and I truly, to my dying day, will always appreciate him.
Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her, but she is woefully immature and incapable of adequately performing in an adult society. I have quit my job and am returning to school with a much lighter budget and will be getting that degree I desperately need.
It's been hard, real hard. I have put every ounce of my being into this relationship, and I truly felt like she was part of me, and nothing like this could ever happen. But it's that trust that allowed this to happen. I do not hate her, I'm just disappointed. I will pick up my pieces and, hopefully, find myself whole again soon.
Part 7: Rambling anecdotes
These are some stories I wanted to include in the previous body of text but didn't feel like it kept the same flow (if there even is any at all, I'm not proofreading this). If I remember any others after I post, Ill just toss them in the comments.
Early after Z came to live with us, my mother came to the house to drop off a package. I am pretty sure I was at work, but when my mother came to the door, both of them answered the door and the way my mom describes it "First of all, do you answer the door at your friends house? Also, the way he hovered over her made me uncomfortable. They were in the doorway and he was right up behind her poking his head out." She said my wife had told her that I was feeling unwell and was upstairs sleeping. I can't even be sure at this point.
Shortly before all the things happened, my parents were going out of town to celebrate their own anniversary, and I had agreed to dog-sit their 5 month old puppy (who, while cute, has WAY too much energy and was EXTREMELY difficult to handle, and I have raised several dogs at this point). We met up and took the dog, and then ALL of us (including Z) went to dinner. At dinner, my mother looked at my wife and asked, directly "And so how long have you been married? 6, almost 7 years? Well at least you missed that 7 year itch, huh" and my wife shortly followed with a comment about how she was not hungry and did not eat dinner that night.
All of this happened WHILE THIS CRAZY PUPPY was running around the house, and part of me thinks he pushed this to happen when it did because he could not stand having to help take care of this dog any longer (2 days).
About a week after all this happened, my wife did not text or call me, or respond to any messages or emails I sent her (I didn't send many, but they exist). Frustrated, I text her and tell her I need to talk to her about logistics moving forward, specifically about her belongings. She told me "I will talk to you when I am ready." We did not talk for another week. Also, she told me to stop talking to her mom. (I have a good relationship with both of my in-laws and while her step-father tried to remain impartial to the best of his abilities, he gave me some of the best advice I could possibly have gotten at that time, mostly about how to move forward and cope, as he has personally dealt with this with smaller relationships 3 separate times in his life which he gave me details on, and we are still on good terms.)
Their favorite TV show to watch together was Outlander, which, if you aren't aware, is basically a story about a woman who time travels and has two men in her life.
One of our biggest constant points of contention was my friendship with an old high school buddy (who I spent much of the time in the aftermath hanging out with while healing). We believe, with good reason, that she hated this man because after I had almost been hospitalized for psych reasons due to stress, he had told me I needed to talk to her about working again and doing more to help around the house. She figured out, obviously, who was telling me to say these things, and sent a very, very angry text to his wife. They all apparently made up, but I know she never let that grudge go.
One of the fairly recent hobbies I got into was D&D. It seemed like a good fit for all of us. She loved fantasy and gaming, I enjoyed 3d printing and story telling. She needed friends, and a party of people hangin out would give her at least a few connections to start. Every night she "participated" in D&D, she mostly sat quiet and did not do anything. Hell, I tried to get her to participate in 2 different games, and after she left the first one, she asked to just sit quietly in the discord call (This first one was online only, second was in person) and listen, which was super awkward. In the in person game, after 3 months of playing, she did not know how to play her character at all, and mostly spent her time at the table crocheting. (My buddy even made a comment about how at one point, he was proud of how good I was getting at DMing and I was giving particularly good exposition, and she interrupted me to hand another player at the table a dice bag she made. I don't remember it, but I absolutely believe this happened.)
The day of "the incident", she had a meltdown about how a friend of hers had ghosted her. I told her it was okay, she was much younger anyway and people grow apart. She's probably going through stuff and we should respect that path she's on. She cried about how she has no friends.
Also the day of "the incident", we were in the shower together and she told me she had met her sister's new BF on facetime. I asked "why did she break up with her old one?" "Well... she cheated on him." "Oh, that's a shame. Cheating is probably the most cowardly act a person can do to another. If you're going to start a new relationship, you need to grow a pair and end it before starting a new one." She clearly took my words to heart.
One of my biggest pet peeves about cleaning the house is our dog sheds, a lot. If I see a hairball roll through the house it immediately drains me a bit. We had a roomba. She would send that thing home when it started and never start it again. It barely ran. She would not vacuum.
One of the most common descriptors of her I've heard used by many people now that they're "allowed to" is "She was there, doing the thing with us, but it was like she wasn't there."
Something she thought that I apparently hadn't figured out by the time we talked after everything happened was that they had been talking since February. I told her I wasn't stupid and had figured it out already that this wasn't out of the blue.
Z's wife is currently pregnant with the baby of the man she cheated on him with. (And he is also married)
Anything else I remember Ill leave for comments, I know there is much, much more.

Introduction

There was a post that was recently posted and it's been asked a ton: "How do I get a computer science related job after I graduate from KSU?". I thought I'd share this with everyone because I've been down this path and managed to make it on the other side. This will be a long explanation and hopefully, can serve as some sort of guide for students. That being said, things are subjective and this is not the holy grail of how to make it. You might find all, some or none of it useful. I encourage testimonials and whatnot in the comments. Can be applied to all majors but, this primary for technology-based majors since I am in tech field. YMMV

About Me

I've been around here for a while. I was a student not too long ago, studied computer science for my bachelors. After graduating, I work in FAANG and have worked in big tech for a while. No, I don't work at Amazon. I am a senior software engineer. I touch frontend & backend technologies. I participate in hiring frequently.

Starting Out

Over the years and while attending here, there's been a weird disconnect between students, goals and how to achieve them in tech. Goals can be anywhere from learning new technologies, getting internships to securing a full time job before or after you graduate. As much as I would love for there to be a path where you can do minimum effort and still succeed, there isn't. A lot of you seem to not realize that. Getting a degree in this field is not enough. Doing projects that show no passion / interests is not enough. Being stuck on tutorials for years is not enough.
This field is much like a sport. There are very few people that can just be great without any effort. You have to be consistent. Four years is not a lot of time. It goes by super fast. If you constantly push things back and you do not take the time to learn the fundamentals outside the classroom, you will not succeed in this field. This field is at a point where there's so many of you. Every post on LinkedIn and news articles said "hey, this field is a gold mine and you'll make six figures out the gate". For a time, maybe that was somewhat true. As of writing this, it's not. You're going against people who have: better schools, better experience, etc. You have to find a way to diversify yourself early. If you can't diversify, you're going to be in a tough place later down the road. Knowledge not something you can just consume in less than an hour and pass an interview. You have to know it well. If you don't, there's someone else who will.
There's an interesting connotation in life that you're either born super smart or an absolute idiot and that you have to be smart to do computer science / programming. There are people with raw IQ that can consume things like no one you've ever met but, that's such a rarity that there's no realistic use in using that as a data point. If you ever took the time to ask someone who you thought was really good at something, they would tell you something along the lines of: I love what I do and I spent a lot of time doing this. There are hours and hours of time people put into passions that you don't / will never see. Meaning that they can no-life this shit for days on end and still come back and do it some more. It doesn't mean that you can't succeed if don't do that but, computing / programming is a very boring field if you do not enjoy it. I would seriously contemplate why you're going through this. If you're doing it for money and only money, you're going to end up miserable. No amount of money can make you do something you hate. It'll wear you down both mentally and physically. If you're doing this because it's a mix of passion and money, you're like everyone else and you gave yourself a better shot. It's a mental thing. Don't climb uphill if you rather sit at the bottom. Don't complain if you're at the bottom and you rather be at the top. There's nothing wrong with that. But, don't do it. For what it's worth, I am not the smartest person. I graduated high school with a low GPA and took college seriously because I wanted to do more with my life. Plus, being on hourly forever sounds horrible imo. Use the opportunities that life has given to you and run with it. Run far, run smart and run in a direction that you can see yourself going long-term.
Additionally, college is what you make of it. Blaming professors or the program (while I do agree sometimes) is not a solution. Blaming professors that don't speak English is a cop out. If you work in tech, you'll be interacting with a lot of people from other countries. Suck it up. Work with it instead of against it. Professors and TAs can only teach you so much. Classes are meant to give you a taste of what it's like in that domain / space. It's not meant to fix all your issues and show you the way. That's for you to do on your own time. Take accountability of your own success, explore the internet (it's free) and lock in. Stop looking for opportunities to find you. Actively seek them out yourself.

Networking

Make connections with people. I cannot stress how important this is. Especially on the Marietta campus, there's a lot of you that go to class, stingers / food, run to class and immediately start gaming and think that when your classes are over, you're done for the day. That's a bad mindset. Make connections with people. Sit with random people at stingers or wherever. Have a conversation. Find a common interest. Don't harass men / women for a date while you're at it. Keep it cool. A lot of people say "there's nothing to do at KSU and there's no life on campus". That's not true at all. It's true if you choose to put your head in a box and refuse to look up. Join a club that interests you. Get close to the people in that club who actively attend and build a personal relationship. If there's no club with your interest, make a club. Fuck it, lead one. You can make one officially through KSU or add a discord server to the student hub and go from there. You'll meet some really cool like-minded people. Lots of my connections have come from randomly showing up to a club, getting out of my comfort zone and weirdly enjoying it.

Interviewing

Brush up on your interview skills. Technical and behavioral abilities matter. Culture fit matters. A lot of you seem to walk around with almost zero personal hygiene. Clean yourself up, practice talking to people and get places. There's been this stigma that culture fit doesn't matter as much as technical and if I have great technical abilities, they'll just accept me. I can tell you for an absolutely fact that I have thrown out / tossed out resumes from highly technical individuals that had zero people skills. If you can't communicate and clean up, you're more of a risk than someone who does all those things and has a bit less technical ability. I can teach someone how to code. I can't teach someone how to take a shower or brush their teeth. Know more than just Leetcode. Learn system design. Take a course / watch a video on Linux and bash. Do not be afraid of the command line interface. Understand how things work at a deeper level. Take feedback seriously. Do not argue with people. If you future manager / colleague tells you that you need to work on things, work on those things. There's nothing worse than a co-worker in denial.

Jobs

As for internships and full time opportunities, there's a few classes at KSU that you really want to master: Data structures, Algorithm Analysis, Operating Systems and Discrete math. If you're in a major that doesn't have those classes, spend the extra money and take those classes. Do not take them online if you can afford to come in person. Take the hardest / best professors for those courses. Super important. Leetcode is quite literally, those classes merged together in a prompt-style format. If you do not understand those concepts, you will not make it in this field let alone pass an interview loop.
Data Structures - Varies. Rate my professor.
Algorithm Analysis - Varies. Rate my professor.
Operating Systems - Do not take Carla McManus if you want to learn the concepts fluently.
Discrete Math - Andy Wilson.
Having solid resume is super important. Many people who don't secure things and get automatically rejected, etc have horrible resumes. Spend the money (it's a lot) to get your resume professionally written. It's worth it. Invest in your long term career aspirations. Templates are cool but, they don't convey information well and come across as lazy. Don't put every achievement ever on there. I don't want to see a wall of text. No, I don't care if you're a Boy Scout. No, I don't care if you bussed tables in high school. You get the point. The rule of "only one page" is complete and total bullshit. If you have projects and prior work experience related to the role, list it down. Don't conserve space for the sake of keeping it one page. You're limiting yourself. I know the career center actively tells people on handshake to keep it to one page. They're wrong. I landed internships & full time roles consistently at big tech / FAANG for years with a 1.5 / 2 page resume. Do not lie on your resume. If you can't solve a leetcode hard consistently with the technology / language of choice, you don't know it well enough. I have interviewed a ton of students and people that list they know C or Python and can't write recursion or gives me a solution in O(N^2) or worse. Aim for O(N), use a hashmap / hash table when you can and do it in a language that doesn't make you fight the runtime / compiler. Trust me, we know when you're making shit up. If you don't know something say it and then, tell them to explain more. This way, you show that you have the capability to learn. Ask smart questions. Do not ask questions that have already been answered. Take notes.
On your resume, experience is only real experience if you get a W2. If you don't get a W2, you can't claim it as professional experience. A lot of background checks these days are drilling down on incorrect information. I have seen instances where people lie, get an offer, company finds out through a comprehensive background check and their offer is gone. Do not put the fate of your future income on a lie. I cannot stress this enough. A lot of students and people actively lie.
Secondly, the trick to getting a good internship is timing. A lot of you wait until Nov - Dec to find an internship and then, throw your hands up when no one responds. That's not a good mindset. Solid internships are recruiting in end of July to August. By September, the amount of open spots are extremely thin. Local companies tend to look for internships during this time. Internships are about luck after that. Reach out to people in your circle to increase your odds. A referral goes a long way. Prior experience through projects that are complex and unique go a long way. It's a numbers game. Don't aim for the highest thing ever without some sort of referral. You can still apply but, do not expect much from it. Start small and work your way up. It's extremely rare to go from KSU undergrad sophomore to Google. It takes a lot of outside work. If you happen to land the internship, make sure that you get recommendations at the end. Having real people who you worked with in a professional capacity that can vouch for you is huge. If you're in your junior year and you get an internship, make sure you try to secure a full time offer. Loop in your boss, mentor, etc. Make your expectations clear. Reach their expectations and beyond.
Thirdly, full time opportunities are rare and most new grads that get hired come from the previous year's intern pool. If you don't get converted, you have to make up that time searching for a job during your senior year. If you do get converted, keep looking because companies are flaky these days. Always have a Plan B & C. Never fully count on Plan A. If you don't have internships across four years, it's over for you. From a hiring manager perspective, it's an absolute red flag when we come across someone with a degree and no internships. That's effectively going against the point of college. You'll have to settle for crumbs and crawl your way up. Very few make it out of that hole. The bar is significantly higher. Especially, now.

Searching for an Opportunity

Do not wait until after you graduate to find a job. Jan - Early May are when most companies finalize budgets and hire. If you wait until after May, you'll might have to wait until after the Summer and possibly, October for hiring to pick up again. Proactivity is nothing but good for you. If you can't be proactive then, you won't succeed in this field. Referrals matter but, personal connections with the hiring manager / recruiter are much, much better. Work your way up. Don't discount an opportunity because it doesn't pay well. Get as much experience as you can and bounce around. Do not go into the gate thinking you're going to make $120K - $140K / yr out the gate. You're most-likely going to make $68K - $75K / yr depending on the location. Do not listen to LinkedIn posts that claim all this cool shit and how to do it. Trust me, it's bullshit. Don't pay attention to it. It's a brag-fest. It's a long road. Start walking on it early and you'll reach the other side when it matters most. Trust in it.
The reality of this economy is that highly experience people have been laid off. Those people are applying to entry level roles and those roles are being filled for cheap. In addition, watch out for fake postings and scam jobs. If you take a contract job, always keep looking. Avoid jobs that will providing "training" before you even start. Avoid jobs that are less than week old. You want things that are fresh. It's a numbers game. Apply for 300+ jobs every week until you get a response back. Don't be discouraged by employers who don't respond or ghost you. Keep at it. It's a mental game.

Conclusion

I think if you do these things, you'll end up at a great spot after four years. If you're just now coming across this and you've been slacking, use this an opportunity to wake the fuck up, light a fire under your ass and lock in. If you're still in denial after reading this post and you have yet to get anything, light a fire under your ass, come to terms with it and lock in.
If you're in it to do zero work, cheat on your classes, mess around for four years and somehow wing a high salary or a job in this field, good luck. You're fucked. You're so fucked, in-fact, that you'll be wondering "why me and why is it so hard" for a long ass time. Don't be that person.

Cool Resources

Git - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvUiKWv2-C0
Github (use this as your portfolio; web devs should make an actual clean website) - https://github.com
Github Student Pack (tons of free resources) - https://education.github.com/pack
Linux Handbook - https://linuxhandbook.com/ Linux Quickguide - https://github.com/mikeroyal/Linux-Guide
Lots of subreddits geared around linux and programming. Great resources to find.
Understand: Kernel Space vs. User Space, Memory Allocation / Deallocation, Bitwise Operations, Memory blocks, processes and threads, context switching
System Design Primer - https://github.com/donnemartin/system-design-primer
Understand: Monolith vs. Micro-services, Tradeoffs between different approaches, Vertical vs. Horizontal Scaling, Load Balancers, Buckets, Data lakes, CI / CD Pipelines, Data Clusters, Client-Server Architecture, Synchronous vs. Asynchronous Context: System design is like a giant puzzle that has many forms. Create a basic design. It won't be perfect. Mix-and-match different services and know why, how and tradeoffs between each approach.
Programming language is dependent on the role and what the company favors. Common ones are Java, C++, Python, C#, JavaScript / TypeScript and C. You can look at jobs that you would like to work someday, look at the requirements and use that as a basis on where to start learning. Things constantly change. Fundamentals build up on each other. Start small. Work your way up. Do not dream big. Dream realistic. Everyone is different.

Notes: This is more of a venting but I need advice post. Also a lot of story telling for background info.
TLDR; My friend/crush hasn't responded to my texts for 2 weeks after he said he missed me. He's been online but is leaving me on delivered. Everything has gone positively and perfect up until now. And I am nervous for the worst case scenario. What do I do?
I (20'sF) have been friends with this guy (20'sM) for 5 years. We have a lot in common. From religion to music to overall interests. We can agree on a lot. I had a huge crush on him when we went to school. But he had rejected me because he didn't want a relationship. In which he has stuck to for the 5 years I've known him. After school he joined the military and I'd hear from him once or twice every couple of months. Which was okay because it gave me time to relieve my crush on him. But overall he was the ideal guy, I find him highly attractive, super intelligent, and overall a great person.
I never truly got over the crush, but I just let it sit in the back of my head.
We both went on with our lives, I had my first boyfriend. But it never worked out. But last summer he came home and asked if I wanted to go out. So I was excited to agree to it. We spent all day together, just talking about random stuff and catching up on life. He asked me to hang out again the next day so we went to a movie. It all went fairly well, it just felt like we were reconnecting and we became stronger friends.
After he left I went on with my life as he went on with his. I had gone out on one date with a former classmate from high school. And it didn't work out because there wasn't a connection. But when November came around, my friend had text me and asked if he should come home. In fact, his reasoning of coming home was to see his family and because he had missed me.
We had only talked 2-3 times a month between him leaving and him coming home again.
He came home in December and he had text me to make plans. He wanted to go ice skating and so he took me for the first time. He had insisted on putting my skates for me because I was struggling. And he wanted to hold my hand so he could protect me from falling. After that we went to a mall and he bought me a candle (and one for himself). Then we went to a pho cafe and had lunch. I got to hear his fun stories from when he had pho as a kid. It was so fun just listening to him be excited about what he likes. Although he isn't a talkative guy, he's always been known to be really quiet and introverted.
Later after that, we went back to my house and spent some time talking. He found interest in my rings and asked about them. He was just sitting next to me and ASKED if he could kiss me. I have never really heard of someone asking first. But I am also inexperienced in kissing, so that explains it. We had kissed and then we went up to my room and cuddled. We just appreciated each other's presence, kissing, holding hands, laughing, playing with each other's hair, all of that.
A couple days later, I saw this car rolling up my street slowly while I was out walking my dog. It happened to be him and his parents. They knew about me and wanted to see where I lived. So I got to meet his parents. Later on, my friend would text me and ask various questions his parents had for me.
I invited him over a couple days before he left for his home. I made him dinner and we had a drink or two. After that we went to my room again to watch tv and cuddle. We basically did what we did the previous time and some other things. The next day, I was just hanging out at home and I heard a car door outside. It was my friend. He stopped by to say goodbye before he left to go home. He said bye, kissed me once more, and then got in his dad's vehicle and left.
When he got home we talked almost everyday with maybe a 3-4 day break in between talking. Which was a huge step. He'd complement me, say that he thought I was really sweet, he wished me happy birthday 4 times (yes, 4 times. He was also the first to say it), and things of that sort. I returned the complements and so on. He even joked about us getting married. Which was so sweet. We've talk about how we missed each other several times and how we can't wait to see each other again. Talked about when he'll come home and that I'd be one of the main reasons he'd come home. Everything is great. Although he didn't want a relationship until the future. Which is okay, because he has stuck to that for the years I've known him. But everything still went fairly smoothly. It feels like a fresh breath of air.
I would always ask him how he is doing. Or he'd just tell me about his day before I could even ask. If I was delayed in response, I'd always apologize and he'd say there was nothing to be sorry about. He'd constantly reassure me. Which is a great sign, friend-wise and potential-partner-wise. He is such a great guy personality wise, highly intelligent, very kind, likes to listen but is generally a quiet person, always tells the truth, has a good sense of humor, and so on. He's also always happy for me when I talk about something like a job offering or something big in my life. As I'm always happy for him when he has something exciting going on. We're always supporting each other and hoping that we're in the best shape.
All the way up until 2 weeks ago, everything went incredibly well. I have never had a guy actually treat me like this. I mean, things could still be well, but who knows.
He had texted me one morning like usual. So I responded when I was able to (maybe an hour later). And I haven't heard from him since. I get that life gets in the way or he may have to prioritize something differently. But it is unlike him to just drop out. I've occasionally noticed that he had been online. So why isn't he responding? I know well that he isn't seeing anyone. Since he sticks to his word. Plus his last words to me were: "I miss spending time with you" (we were talking about something he missed from back home and that he didn't know when he'll get to return). I texted him after not hearing from him for a week and still nothing. I am afraid he is ghosting me although I feel like he wouldn't do such thing. I just get scared of that from past experiences. So, maybe he is just busy? Maybe he has something high-priority going on? Maybe he is just being his introverted self and kinda keeping to himself? We are just friends for now so it shouldn't bother me too much. But I still get worried for him. (although when I mentioned a few years ago that I got worried for him, he had said that he hopes I didn't worry too much). I understand that it would be difficult for us to date and that maybe right now wouldn't be a good time to date since neither of us are in a position to date (we're both still trying to find a balanced routine, calm down, take care of ourselves, and navigate being adults lol. plus I am just starting in a professional workforce so I am trying to balance life with that too).
What do I do? Does anyone have a take or any advice on this?
Note: please do ask questions incase I come off in a wrong or weird way. thank you!!!

TODAY'S RECAP

Wow. So little to summarize today. It was all very anticlimactic stuff. If you're inclined to ff through filler and boring scenes, today might be a day you lean on the ff button.
Luna and RJ reunited in one of the most boring reunions of a soap couple (no disrespect to the young actors, just a snoooooze of a story). Both Carter and Brooke yelled at Zende. News got around about Sheila.

Eric, Donna, Ridge, and Brooke at Eric's

(Everyone views newspaper headlines about Sheila being alive. Their reactions are underwhelming).
Everyone: Surprise surprise. 🫤 Ppffrrtt..Can you believe it? 😕 Can't believe it. 😟 I can believe it. 😐 Yeah, kinda not totally surprising. 🫤 Sheila back from the dead 💀 again. Yeah. 😑 Welp. She does that. 🫤. Mmm hmm. 😒 Phewy. 😣 Wah. 😧 Sucky. 😒 Blechy! 🤢 Not happy. 🙁 Pouty. ☹️ This again. 😞 It's getting old. 🙄 Ikr? 😦 Witch 👹 is back. Now we have to look over our shoulder again. Dang it.
Eric: (picks up a call). Yeah. Alive. Again. 🫤 Sorry Lauren. I know. It sucks. Bye.
Exit Brooke, who received a message from Charlie that Zende is at FC.
Ridge: BE CAREFUL of SHEILA! 😦 Grrr. Huff.
Brooke: Yeah yeah. Byeeee.
Ridge: Snarl. 😦 So, here's the SugaJanet WebbeSheila story. Blah blah blah...
Donna: So look-a-like 👩👩 psycho 🫨 Sugar attacked Steffy.
Ridge: You got it. 😕
Eric: And Deacon and Finn rescued Sheila and Finn wants her in their lives? MY GOD! 😮
Donna: And Finn's connection to Sheila has deepened because--
Ridge: IDGAF about Finn's pathetic MOMMY issues! Snort! 😤 Grrr. Finn is a fuck face! Everyone knows Sheila is tricking his dumb ass.
Donna: He picked Steffy over Sheila though, amirite?
Ridge: Grrr! Snarl! He should have NEVER EVER ASKED STEFFY to be BFFs with that psycho Sheila! Huff! Puff! 😤
Eric and Donna: But it's Finn. We like Finn. He's a decent guy. Yah. Yeah. It's Finn!
Eric: (💭 Finn did just save my life about a second ago. So, I'm pretty fond of that boy. 👨‍⚕️)
Donna: (💭 Finn just saved my honey 🍯 bear 🐻, so Finn will always be special to me. Maybe you could lay off of berating Finn.)
Ridge: Finn is PISSING ME OFF! I'm pissed off on the regular, but he's putting me in a PERMA-PISSED state of continuous SNARLING and SPUTTERING! GAH! Harumph. Sheila! Growl! Roar! 😦😤😡
Eric and Donna: 🙄🙄 (💭 He's so mean about dear, lifesaver Finn. Gah.)
Ridge: How does Sheila keep getting away with her CRIMES?! 😮😤😡 (Reddit would like to remind you, Ridge, that your daughter refused to testify -- bc YOU went along with the genius plan to get charges against Sheila dropped so that Bill could entrap her. Yeah and that backfired in your faces.)
Sheila! Finn! Snarl! Grrr! 😦
Eric: Finn is vulnerable to Sheila. But he's a good man, his heart is in the right place and did the right thing.
Ridge: 🤨

Zende and Carter at FC

Zende: 🙄😞😒😟
Carter: I see 👀 you not working, man.
Zende: Yah. Can't concentrate. 🫤
Carter: You need to concentrate! HFTF is depending on YOU! Stop 🛑 thinking about Luna! She's not available! You were WRONG! 😦 You FUCKED UP! 🤨 You can't have HER! 😐 You shoulda KNOWN better! 😦 WTF were you thinking? 😕
Zende: My bad. But it's more complicated than--
Carter: Nah! Just STOP! 😤 Look, I totally understand. I'm your friend. I fucked up zooming on Quinn and almost lost everything. Don't do what I did.
Zende: Okay. 😞
Enter Brooke.
Brooke: 🤨 I need to talk to Zende ALONE.
Zende: Carter knows. 😒
Brooke: So what?! I said ALONE! 😠 (💭 So I can bitch more freely at you! )
Exit Carter.
Brooke: How could you?! 😤 How dare you?! 😦 How scummy can you be?! 😣 You BETRAAAAAAAYED MY SON! 😡 YOUR COUSIN! YOUR FAMILY! WTF?! You KNEW she was with RJ! 👦 You KNEW she was on his arm! You KNEW they were TOGETHER! 👩‍❤️‍👨 You KNEW they LOVED each other! 💘 You knew they were COMMITTED! (💭 I'm running out of ways to repeat the same thing. 🫤) You should have questioned her! How could you do this to LUNA? You KNEW she was loopy!
Zende: Oh. Wait.☝️Hold on right there. I didn't know she was high 🥴 af. She was in my bed. I thought she wanted me. 🙄
Brooke: YOU BETRAYED RJ! ROOOOOAR! 😤😮 Growl! Snarl! (💭 Ridge has rubbed off on me). My SON is good! 👼 He doesn't want me to tell Ridge so Luna is not even more hurt. He's THAT guy! Sweet, wonderful, caring RJ! I thought YOU were that kind of guy too! But NO! How would your mother feel about you, now?!
Zende: 🥺😣😕😞😖😟☹️ (no quivering chin emoji, sorry Reddit). I'm so sorry.
Brooke: (💭 I'ma totally ignore his apology. 😑). So, get OUT! Skedaddle! Vamoosh! 💨 Be gone! 🪄Before someone drops a house on you! Go to Forrester International (💭 Where your ex wife, Nicole, has been languishing off canvas)! Or Forrester Siberia! 😡
Zende: Oh. Wait.☝️Hold on right there. I earned my place here. 😐 So.
Brooke: So? So! Go!
(💭 My hypocrisy is totally irrelevant. Shut up, Reddit. Everyone gets to judge tf out of everyone else, as if we never did the same or worse. That's OUR thing! Steffy just did it to MY daughter. Ridge does it every day. Stephanie made it a life style! Taylor wagged her finger at me and she slept with all the same people! That's how we roll! So Reddit, you can just leave Bridget and Katie out of this! I'm fussing at Zende until I'm blue in the face because he hurt my precious son! Only I get to hurt my family! Gah! Plus, I've matured, so I can be judgey! Shhh!)

RJ and Luna at FC

Luna: I heard about Sheila 👿. That's SOOOOOOO awful!! 😧 I'm SOOOOOO SORRRRRRRY!
RJ: Sheila terrorized my family for soooo long. 😒 Now she's back. 😞
Luna: I wish I could have been there for you, but we have this big 🫲___________🫱 gulf between us. Wah! 😥 I hate it! 😟 I miss you! But you need time. I understand. 😞
RJ: 😕
Luna: You used to look SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! 🤩 😃 Now you look SOOOOOOOOOO not happy! ☹️ I'm SOOOOOOOO SORRRRRRRY! I should have told you SOOOOOOO much sooner. It's ALL MY FAULT 😩 -- and the MINTS -- that you look jaded af now and that you broke up with your cousin! I miss you SOOOOOOO MUCH! 😫
RJ: It's not YOUR fault! 😦 It's stupid, fuck face ZENDE'S fault! He shouldn't have, but he DID and IDGAF about that dude! Fuck that guy! 😤 Blech! 🤢
Luna: I used to be SOOOOOO afraid 😱 until your love made me feel SOOOOOO not afraid. 🥰☺️
RJ: Yah? 😦
Luna: Yah. 😔
RJ: Well alrighty then. Let's fix everything! I miss YOU SOOOOOO MUCH TOO! 😟 Let's just forget this hiccup and be together 👩‍❤️‍👨 again, angel 😇 face!
Luna: What about the time you needed? 😟
RJ: All I need is YOUUUU! I love you SOOOOOO MUCH! 🥰😍😘
Luna: I love YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! 😍🥰😘😃
(Luna and RJ embrace. It's all better now.) ♥️👩‍❤️‍👨💕
RJ: Gotta get to a meeting. We'll pick up this happy moment later. 😍
Luna: Yah! ☺️
RJ exits.
Luna: 🤢🤮😳😧 (💭 OMG! Pregnant?🤰 Who's the daddy? 🙄)
The end.