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My friend recently experienced something bizarre and when I explained it to my brother he said “I’m pretty sure they discuss that on LPOTL” so now I’m here. Anyone know which episode they might talk about (perhaps listener stories?) a guy falling down in public trying to get someone (anyone!) to “help them.”
Long story short, a stranger fell to the ground outside of a busy apartment complex, yelled for help, asked my friend to “flip him over” onto his stomach (and into a scorpion pose) on the concrete and asked her to “massage his sore muscles”. When she finally left and got to her apartment, she looked outside and he was already gone.
EDIT: on side stories son swamp episode, they talk about a Melbourne guy who fakes seizures to get people to touch him, this may be it
EDIT EDIT: thanks everyone! I got enough info that my friend feels less weird about her encounter. This happened to her in the US on the east coast with a rando dude unrelated to the Melbourne guy, but weird shit nonetheless. Xo

Started with my partner reading my journal the other night and finding out that I was having fantasies on vacation a few months ago. Culminated with her seeing my phone this morning and a text from someone that I hit up in search of oral sex.
We have been dating for just under a year. Things have been rough lately, and after talking through things with her last night and this morning I think that my acting out has contributed alot to it. She is very intuitive and while I hid my acting out (messaging people on apps pretty consistently, visiting HE massage parlors 2-3 times during relationship) I think it put up barriers to me connecting with her and likewise her to me.
Now things are pretty much all out on the table and we are trying to figure out where to go from here. She is very, very upset. But she is still open to reconciling, though she has cited her own impulsive nature is now triggered and there is a possibility of her acting out in vengeance. The only thing she doesnt know is the extent of my messaging, which was mostly on a popular gay meetup app. I identify as straight, though she knows I identify as an addict and that I have done things with guys in the past.
I guess im at a cross-roads now where I really buckle down and commit to this girl or I let her go out of love. Today was certainly a wake-up call, I was in complete denial of my actions and how they were effecting not just me but also putting her emotions at harm. While the extent of my physical cheating was limited to the few mentioned happy-ending massages, the consistent seeking behaviors definitely have hurt the relationship significantly. I am so full of regret for tarnishing what could have been a good thing, I do feel really connected to this person. She gave me an ultimatum of calling my mom and telling her everything, quitting my job and moving with her, and also going to Sex addiction anonymous asap. I have been to one meeting in the past but didnt really vibe with it at the time.
I am looking for any advice, words of wisdom, really anything.

So it all started before he worked at taco bell. I messed up his order. When he came in the first time ordering a 12 taco party pack. And it ended up being where the 600 lb cook in the back and ended up eating all the tacos. Because there were 12 tacos that were basically unaccounted for. Because I put in the wrong order. I believe or it was the wrong type of taco or something along those lines so he ended up eating them basically. He came in with his cousin. But it appeared like he came in with his husband. And kids. They have lots of kids. Because he has kids and his cousin has kids. So they look like two husbands with lots of kids. My mother had to clock herself out and break out. Because she doesn't serve people who are gay and married with children. She will have a whole fit. Tell them that they're living a whole fantasy and that they're not real and all this nonsense. So it is best for her to just take a seat. Which is why I took their order. And that's their order of accidentally.
After that. I specifically saw him at the pizza parlor. Where he was working at the primm casino. And he was very knowledgeable about the pizzas. Very helpful. And so forth very accommodating pretty much a very good service individual.
A few days later. I saw that he had tried to turn in his application at my job. This was a day when we had two of the co-workers specifically very high out of their minds. At least the two co-workers in charge that day. Because on Fridays there were only two people in charge. A shift lead and a guy who kind of like in waiting. during the that Christmas season DeJean was always high off of his rockers. everyday he came in his eyes were shut and he was slurring his words. and Sam was a heroin addict. so I think him being high everyday like he was. was supposedly on his best behavior. because it was marijuana supposedly. instead of heroin or crack. and these people both ended up cursing out the customers screaming at them to leave the store. and cursing out other co-workers as well. so it was no use in asking them for help basically. yeah that day they were both high out of their minds. And very busy. So I felt like the application was not going to go anywhere anyway. Besides probably in the trash. I tried to put it in the office where Nik could see it. But I don't even know if he ended up being able to see his application.
Anyway what ended up happening was in this city we all lived in the same apartment complex. So I saw him I think two more times and then he came into the store two more times. And one of the times I saw him in person at the apartment complex. I specifically show them when the general manager would be available. And literally set up a time for him. After I had talked to the general manager and told him that I was getting this guy Tyler to him for him to interview.
The reason I tried for him. Was specifically because the prim casino was closing. Meaning that the employees probably didn't have any choice there. And considering he had all those kids so I believed and considering that at that place that apartment complex you have to have a job. In order to stay there. It seemed like it was important for him to get the job. That was my reason. On top of the fact that at the pizza parlor he was a good worker. It ain't nothing to do with me at all liking them in that way. I never liked him. It was just specifically that I felt like well he got kids he's in this apartment complex. That will be evicted in 72 hours if he doesn't have a job pretty soon. and he was a good worker from what I could tell.
After the interview though my general manager Nik try to imply that I must like him or something. Because why that did I try to push for him to get hired. When it was simply because he was a hard worker from what I could tell and he had kids. From what I could tell. And he was at a job that was going to end soon. Meaning at in the private apartments you have to have a job. They will evict you in like 72 hours. Who wants to see kids being evicted in 72 hours for not having a job. Like realistically to me I didn't want to see that. Considering they were my next door neighbors anyway.
Anyway I ended up quitting. I quit the job. Because it was in the middle of my whole situation where I spent 18 days. Working Day today. And people like my general manager were yelling at me and telling me how terrible I was for missing an hour of work. I ended up putting a quit letter in. And that went sour. Because I put it in speaking pretty crass. Because I was like hey it's over. I can just talk like a regular person. So I started talking about stuff. But I wasn't specifically cursing anyone out. I was specifically like saying what I did for a living outside of this job. Which is in the phone sex industry basically. And saying something about my give a damn is busted. Things of that nature. Which ended up where the message got taken out. And said it was an offensive message. So everybody thought I was cursing them out. Which was the side issue. I remember being a little sad about quitting because I wanted to work with him and I thought he would be fun to work with. And also being like oh well you know I'm quitting but I got you a good one. Kind of thing.
Well I got rehired. A couple months later. During the summer. And I've worked there since. For a year. Never been times where the coworker I tried to get hired Tyler acts like Oddish. He says he's autistic so maybe that's it? For example I was just trying to talk about my ex who was a prostitute. And he got all uncomfortable. But the problem with that situation was I specifically had just talked to Angela and Victor about the same thing. Telling them about how massage therapists are really prostitutes. And how my ex was really a prostitute all that time and I had no clue about it. And how my roommate just let me in on knowing that massage therapist basically means a prostitute.
And like another time I was specifically just saying I didn't like anyone I was working with at the time. And then they got all fussy. When I tripped accidentally said that I did but I wasn't meaning him or angelee I was meaning Lucas who I wasn't working with. After that he started acting oddly too.
For example I had to run late yesterday so I had to take an Uber. On the right there. I took a photo and I was surprised because one of my eyes turned yellow. And I was like what the heck. My eyes are black. So how are my eyes yellow in the photo. Because of the lighting. Flash right on my eye. With the sun flashing in the way it did. It was like a direct lighting. But it was like a strip of light that basically hit my eye. So then that let me to download a color detector and a color picker. Just to determine the color I was looking at. So then what colors came up were fawn tan and camel. I look up these colors. And it says yellow. And then I look up fawn colored eyes. And it literally says hazel. So then I'm confused. Ask you why I have hazel eyes in the sun. In direct strip lighting but I got black eyes every other time. And every other normal lighting. So when I get to work. I basically ask my coworkers. Because all my coworkers have black eyes too. If they also get yellow eyes when they look at the sun. And pretty much it seemed like nobody really agreed with that. And people seem like they're uncomfortable and angry because I asked that question.
He specifically acted like I was somehow doing something or making him uncomfortable especially when I showed him the photo. Very odd because I wasn't trying to say they were pretty. Or anything along those lines. This was the day I didn't straighten my har. I let my hair just stay like stick stuck up weird. Because I didn't have enough time to get ready for work. The photo was taken completely makeupless I mean I washed my face. And put some sunscreen on. That's all I did. And I had hair all over my uniform. This wasn't a flattering photo.and I wasn't trying to imply anything about my eyes. Especially since normally they're black. So I wasn't trying to say they were pretty either. It was just me looking at my picture and being like is this actually brown or is it Amber or Hazel or what the heck is it? That was my question. I only have my pair of eyes. I don't have anyone else's to see if the lighting is different on other Brown eyes. Am I like the one with yellow tint in my eyes. When bright sunlight hits it. Is that a sign of not being actually brown-eyed. Or what? Like that was my question. But he seemed to take it completely differently. I ended up talking to Justin about it. Who explained to me that he had brown eyes all his life and then he found out that he had green eyes when he looked into the sunlight. And that it was a normal occurrence for people with very dark eye color of different colors than brown. Basically. He did not seem like that was a weird question or that was wrong for me to bring this up. To him. So I don't get why the other guy seem to react a little negatively to me but he's done that before with other conversations on other things which is just weird to me.
Personally for me. When it comes to men I like I would never ask that question as I've said before I tried telling Lucas to make me a bacon grilled cheese burrito got stuck in mid sentence and had to go on the intercom to ask Sidney to tell him. I don't talk to people I'm attracted to about simple things I actually need. I stuttered and if I'm friendly I'm whining mostly. No way I'd be talking about my eye color to anyone I was attracted to. I don't even like to look people in the eyes. If I am attracted to them. So I would not be talking about my eyes at all. Because a part of me feels like if they look in my eyes. They'll realize I like/want them so yeah the last thing I'd be talking about is my eyes.
Even thinking back to a past coworker sam who I mildly was odd and about a coworker misty who didn't like to work her job. Barely came into work. And all I ever saw of her was on the crew app. And she had some blue eye contacts in. So then the first time I finally saw her. She didn't have her eye contacts in and I was confused how she was the same person because she didn't have blue eyes anymore. This was in front of a guy I was sorta fond of ever so VERY mildly. And Sam kept trying to tell me to look at his eyes and how they were green or whatever and I wouldn't look/completely ignored him. So even if I have to talk about someone's eye color I still won't reference or look or talk at a person's eye color or talk about it with a person I'm even mildly attracted to. Even if the topic was someone else's eye color I won't talk about it with someone I'm attracted to even if it's mildly.
What is weird he acts uncomfortable about conversations that I've had with other people. Who don't take it that way. Which is why it leads me to think maybe he still thinks that I like him in some way because of how he got here in the first place? I've tried to mention this like a couple times. To different coworkers. That I didn't. Like him. Specifically to just put that out there.
Most of my coworkers know that I only like men who are white. Specifically. And he's not white. Also a lot of other things but I'm not going to pick apart a person.
Anyway if he does think this how do I correct it? Because he acts uncomfortable with many conversations I have just fine with other people.

I and my partner have been together for 12+ years. We are very happy together, have a nice house, good jobs and a good sex life. We are super in love, adore each others' company, we are soulmates and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
We have been through some tough times in life to get to this point but we have always been very close. As a result we are extremely good communicators. We are both committed to make our relationship work and are not afraid to put the work in if it's needed.
We both have very high sex drive and have been monogamous throughout the whole time. We are pretty liberal with our high libido too, like we jerk off whenever we need to, we know each other watches porn to get themself off / we find other guys hot and openly chat about it. I know I need to come at least 1-2x a day and so does my partner or we become pent up and blue balls kinda angry lol.
We keep things fresh and talk frequently about each others' needs. I was just away for a week and while gone I bought us a big erotic gay magazine & my bf got us a cock ring set. We plan to jerk off to the contents together when I'm back lol.
Recently we have been toying with the idea of having a threesome or having a guy over and sucking him off together. I have a big dick kink/fantasy that I often think about & my bf is into edging/erotic massage. We know we can't fulfill all of each others fantasies but that's ok.
Thing is we both value what we have a lot but we are only young once (we are in our 30s) which makes us think about this. I'm not worried we would not be able to communicate well or set clear boundaries if we did decide to open things up in any shape or form. I guess my only concern is if doing anything would 'lessen' the bond that we have.
I guess I would love to hear opinions if anyone can relate to this situation

Thinking about selling my gay virginity if you can even call it that. I have a gay mate that wants to suck my cock but I want to get paid for it, since there wouldn't be that many straight dudes available to gay men. Is this a thing? I'm in Australia near melbourne. 31yo slim dad bod just under 6inches but it's rock hard and I'm in the top 5% girth wise, never had a girl who could deepthroat me and they say "Oww, that hurt" if I slam it too hard

So, I'm a big fan of Netflix. Really, I'm a huge TV and movie buff in general, but Netflix is what I've always had the most access to. And thus far I've only seen 2 notable examples of any sort of asexual representation: Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman and Elijah from Big Mouth. I think Todd was handled really well, and its great that they made that choice with one of the main characters. It's a storyline that gets its deserved screen time, it isn't his entire character, and there is a nice progression from confused to out and proud. Big Mouth does... an okay job. I think it was a necessary talking point. A big part of the show is that people shouldn't feel shame about having sexuality, so it's good that they addressed that you also shouldn't feel shame about not having sexuality. But they do it through a throwaway character which erks me a bit. They introduce Elijah, they give him like 3 traits (he's asexual, he's religious, and he's similar to Missy) and then they have him move away by the end of the season, presumably never to return. I think Sex Education, another show that is kinda like Big Mouth, did the same thing for the same reason (except I think that Sex Ed had that character around for literally only one episode). But I feel like Big Mouth also conflates attraction with libido and assumes that all aces are completely non-sexual, like they have Elijah masterbate but he says it's like a massage and not sexual at all. Which is good rep in a certain sense but also kinda erases aego people like me and perpetuates the idea that asexual means completely non-sexual rather than not sexually attracted to others. Another point I wanted to bring up: with both Todd and Elijah, they are Cis, heteroromantic men. Maybe that's nit picky or I'm asking for too much, but like come on I can't get some intersectionality? Even the O.G. Sheldon from TBBT is a Cis, heteroromantic man. And he's not even cannon! In any TV show or movie, I have never seen any aroaces, bi/pan/homo romantic aces, or gender queer aces at all. I also want to note that I don't really count it as "representation" if the creator just says so outside of the story but it's never actually brought up or addressed within the work itself (looking at you, JK. You can't just say he's gay, that isn't what representation is!). Anyway, does anyone here have any thoughts on this or any recommendations for shows with ace rep? Did you enjoy the ace rep in these shows?
TL;DR Big Mouth and Bojack Horseman have ace rep, Bojack does it pretty well, Big Mouth is eh, neither one bring much intersectionality.

For the sake of anonymity, all the people in this post's name have been substituted with fake names
26 yo gay M here, I'm in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ... But I still don't "love him" in the sense that all my friends are saying I should be.
I never "fell in love" with any person in my life in the way my friends describe how they did with their partners: there was no heart racing, no butterflies in my stomach, no having intrusive thoughts about that person, no longing for that person in their absence. I never had this all consuming affection for any person in my life.
Alot of people would see me buying him flowers, or his favourite pastries from a pastry shop across the street from us on my way back from work and qualify those as romantic gestures. But I think people fail to see that I buy flowers for my partner not because of the romantic connotation, but because his main hobby is gardening and loves to have floral arrangement in our house. I buy him his favourite chocolate cream pastry because I know that on certain days of the week the workload at his job is higher and he likes to be comforted. I give him foot rubs and massages because he has a physically demanding job, while mine is sedentary and I can afford 20 minutes to alleviate his physical burden. To me those of acts of care I do, tailored to the person I'm invested in.
The same holds true to my female bestfriend of 8 years Laura. I LOVE her, arguably more than my partner. This statement is not to disparage my boyfriend. I simply have spent more time with her, went through more hardship with her, and am thus more invested in her than him. I still to this day, whenever I visit her, come with her favourite pastry. I would always even in public brush her tangled hair with my fingers or a brush if she had one on her, because I know it reminds her of her childhood and relaxes her. I often would scratch her head gently, which would inevitably make her faint if she was any kind of tired after her day.
Kevin, another one of my close firiend, that I've known for 5 years, had got this obsession with dried coconut cubes. I thought I could only find them in Italy on the border of France, near my hometown. Turns out found a remote shop in my town where I could buy them and was so excited to be able to give him that treat !! Like who gets this excited about a niche treat one of your 10 friends is obsessed with ?
I don't understand monogamy. The notion that my partner sleeping with another person is the ultimate breach of trust and is worth erasing multiple years of the cultivated relationship seems like an alien notion to me. Also, thinking that I am suppose to satisfy every sexual need and fantasy my partner has seems conceited to me. I understand that there are things I will never be willing to do sexually, same with my partner. If he would go to another person to have his desires filled, as long as he takes his precautions to not impact my health (AKA PrEP and condoms), I don't really care to know. I don't have any ownership on his body and what he does with it, and thus I don't think he owes me any explanation so long as it doesn't impact my health. To me as long as the partner is willing to cultivate a relationship with me, and be there for me and support me, and respect me and my values : I don't really care about the rest.
I love giving and receiving affection: of any kind. And weirdly that includes PDA. It's not so much that I like PDA because it's a public display, but more so that when I love a person, I will show them affection no matter the context: private or public. Knock on my door to a surprise birthday party ? in fucking tears. Give me a gift I've been meaning to buy for myself and didn't realise you were taking notice ? dead inside Any and all forms of physical affection : huge hug from my bestfriends before saying goodbye / spontaneous affectionate strokes from my partner etc ... Thing is these are not reserved for my romantic partner. I have the same reaction if anyone I'm really close to shows that degree of affection and attention.
Back in highschool, I've had tons of crushes, and unrequited infatuation towards other boys in my school. But as far as I can remember (also confirmed by my bestfriend from highscool), those crushes were very very shallow, purely physical. Would even go as far as completely ignore the blatant character flaws of the subject of my attraction. So might have been pure obsessive lust that mimicked a classic crush.
Worth to note: this is my first relationship ever (26 yo), I stumbled into it: What was suppose to be a situationship with regular hookups, ended becoming more long term than I thought. We saw eachother more and more often, he confessed that he loved me and I (almost out of politeness) said it back. Thing is, I like him as a person. I like the life we've built together, for the short time we've spent building it. I just don't love him any differently than my friends, god-mother, or family members with whom I'm close with. The main variable in my "love" for someone is the time I spend with them, how long I've known them, and how much they've been there / done for me while knowing them. I would be perfectly content being single, provided I could keep all those relationships I've cultivated.
Thing is no one in my social circle seems to understand that. They all say "you just haven't met the right guy". But I'm not so sure the problem is coming from my boyfriend.

Since starting college I (19M) have been trying really hard to pay attention in class and make that apparent. I guess it may have worked a little too well this time. I go to a community college, so class sizes arent very big and its easy to be noticed. So with how attentive i am, ive caught the attention of a couple of my teachers and sort of became the favorite. This last semester though, things got a little weird. I took an 8 week college success course and immediately caught the attention of my teacher(~60M). We would have class once a week and on the first week nothing happened really besides that we made eye contact, which is pretty normal for me. The second week though, he touched my shoulders and kind of pushed them down. This may have been because my shoulders were a little tense but idk. He touched my shoulders again the following week. But then the week after he decided to massage them. Keep in mind this all happened in the middle of the lecture, and I am pretty obviously gay (long nails and flamboyant voice lol). He even once stood next to me where I was sitting really close so that his whole body was pressed against mine. This might have been to get me to answer a question but still. A bit after that he sort of backed off, but still called on me a lot (like every class) and even sent some of his feedback on assignments to me in email (he may have done this for other students too but idk). Was his behavior inappropriate? Was he attracted to me? Or was it just because he was raised differently? Idk what to think. Btw he has a wife, kids, and grandkids.

Hey i'm going to Japan for the first time next month and am thinking of exploring ni chome since i heard that its the gay district in Tokyo.
Anyone here who has some recommendations for places to go to there?
Places to go to during the day or night is appreciated. I am open for places between cafes to clubs, saunas to massage places. Places where I can go on my own or social places where i can push myself outside my boundaries.
An example of a place i enjoyed was this one gay club in taiwan with a dancing guy underneath a shower head xD that was fun.
But yeah really any place you guys liked when you went there just drop em here and tell me why you like it and why you want to recommend it.

For further context, I'm 22M (also Gay if that matters) moving away from home for the first time. I work from home full time and have a pretty well paying job so rent isn't the issue here.
I'm leaning towards living alone for the following reasons:

• I've grown up in a loud household with a large family that I do not like all that much
• I don't like the idea of worrying about other people's boundaries (e.g having friends over, making much noise in the early mornings etc)
• I want to gain full independence over my life and household

And my reasons for wanting to move in with a flatmate/s:

• Utilities and wifi will already be set up which makes my transition to working from home in melbourne a lot easier
• Building a network of friends through my flatmate/s will be easier than finding them on my own
• Easier to navigate applying for places to live rather than applying for rentals

Please feel free to mention any other points to consider along with your opinion on what option you think is best.
Looking forward to hearing your responses!
Edit: Just wanted to re iterate that rent and money is not a concern here - please note that I’m not naive to having to pay for everything myself, I’m the main contributor to my household and have been working my butt off since 14 to support my family.
I’m no stranger to financial hardship and what goes in to moving out. I wish I had the privilege to be naive to this however that is not the case, I’m just a guy who has had enough and and is finally making a move that works for me.

I've been attracted to women my whole life and I got introduced to porn at age 8 and I've been hooked ever since because it was two women having sex. I watch porn off and on but throughout 8-12 and I used to sneak off to watch it during the night because it gave me such a trill and euphoric feeling I wanted to hug and be surrounded by those women so bad I wanted someone to be with that could be my companion and have sex with me like they did. And when I was a kid I had a moment where I saw this really attractive dude and thought who is that, I wanted to be like him but my brain now always construes it as me being attracted to him and I can't understand if its true or not. I always admired guys and wanted to be like them so bad especially the ones surrounded by everybody because as a male I had a hard time socializing and making friends. So over the years I got better but not by much but I continued to admire men for what I'm not and I wanted friends. But around this time I had penis randomly be in my face imaginatively and I was so confused and perplexed by this and I even had a sexual dream with my brother that I was confused and disgusted by.
Middle school I got called fat and got bullied a lot so I turned to eating and watching porn and masturbating 5+ times a day and I kept constantly watching porn but then I met my friends and we because this really strong friend group and I like this girl but my friend started dating her so I kept continuing to crush on her and continually masturbating to her and all kinds of other porn including pregnant women which is my all time favorite because that's what got me into porn being curious about how babies are made. I even had sexual dreams about women but I was always fucking them in missionary so it was always boring and I was always trying to find some one who could be new to masturbate whether it was real or animated.
I felt throughout my life I'd had obsessions with woman because they were attractive and men because I wanted to be like them, so in high school I continued to have crushes on woman but it felt like I wasn't as attracted to women like the other men were and I was also so picky with who I liked, I couldn't imagine myself with a man and I constantly masturbated to women and the thought of men would ruin my sexual urges. During high school I also played football where men would touch me and be naked and slap my ass which I hated because I don't like it when people touch me, then there was a time when a male barber I frequently went to kept touching my face when cutting my hair and my eyes were closed and I didn't get aroused but I felt comfort in it which my brain kept saying made me gay. In sophomore or junior year after football I liked this girl and I kept having to masturbating to porn to stop getting so hard when she touched me, after that I became more insecure and needy then I got my heart broken by this woman I wasn't dating, and so I got depressed and my mind kept going through things like me being obsessed with me not being a murderer, being a horrible person, or being a pedophile even though I didn't like children. Then I got sexually assaulted by this dude and it felt so horrible and wrong and I told the teacher but I had this anal arousal that I hated I even started flirting with men as a joke, I even started developing these sensations like I was kissing men and that dicks were always near me and that they were always trying to get inside me, it was terrifying and I had to go on anti and depression meds to help me cope. My family said they'd accept me for who I was and that was ok to me but I didn't want those urges and feelings they made me uncomfortable. I was very appreciative of my friend at this time because he was helping me feel better and my brain was like "you like him" that means your gay and it destroyed me and I kept getting into the habit of checking my arousal to men constantly, I watched rollbounce and the big buff dude withe the afro made me so anxious and the anal arousal happened and I didn't like it. I started nofap because I thought it would help me get back to being more aroused by woman and less indifferent to them overall unless it was sexual.
This cycle of it getting better and worse has been going on for years and then I started getting aroused by dudes and it never made me comfortable I thought I had hocd. Using porn to cope but it kept making it worse and my brain kept imagining me doing sexual acts from a woman's point of view and I hated it but I keep being desensitized and it kept escalating over time. The urges would go away and come back and it was so frustrating having to keep dealing with it and having mental breakdowns because of how anxiety inducing and frustrating the thoughts and feelings were. During my few years of off and on episodes a coworker let me touch her boobs and I loved it and I wanted to do so much more with her but I couldn't/didn't have the courage to. Then the urges came back and I'd be frustrated anxious and depressed again, I even made a few male friends at work and I thought they were really cool and kept wanting to impress them so they'd think I'm cool because I'm always constantly worried about how I'm perceived this was before I was diagnosed with adhd, I thought about kissing them and dating them and I didn't enjoy it, it gave me anxiety and I thought about even if they did like me back would I want it. Then this cycle of me heavily masturbating to porn came back and off and on I'd spend money trying to get my fix, I then met a new friend that I would be obsessed with hanging out with because I barely had friends and I had so much fun at their house playing videogames and going places I finally had a place where I could have fun and hang with friends. Then my brain kept saying I had crushes on them and if they'd like me back which made me anxious like I wanted it. I even imagined having sex with them and it didn't feel good but overtime the feeling kept getting more ambiguous and it frustrated me. I kept failing and rebooting with nofap constantly trying to quit porn during this and I kept relapsing and these thoughts made me feel like I was turning gay
After that off and on situation I escalated to seeing escorts and going to massage parlors so I can get my sexual urges fulfilled and I hated visiting escorts because I always regretted it, sex with them was always so boring but I loved massage parlous they felt like such a better investment, I loved it when they would massage me and the anticipation of whether I would get touch down there was so arousing that it felt like I was taking a hit of drugs, I loved it so much porn because so lame to me. I wanted them to touch me feel me, and pleasure I felt aroused and high just thinking about it me I spend thousands of dollars over the years on this and it cause such a financial strain on me to get my fix. But after a while this high went away and was replaced with nothing but shame ever time I went because it felt like porn to me. Having sex with escorts felt like the same thing just like I was masturbating to porn so it was hard to enjoy but searching for them contacting them the process that led up to it gave me a high too. Over time I finally gave up the parlors but porn is still constantly in my mind I would masturbate for hours just to find the right video with thousands of tabs open. I would also get aroused by guys and get so anxious having to deal with it until it went away then I'd be fine. But now skip a few years I would developed a disease that isn't an std but it is frustrating because it would affect the way I perceive the world through touch and it was frustrating and I would go to parlors to cope and have to take anxiety and depression meds to get though it.
The gay thoughts took a heavy backburn and after I started to cope with it the gay thoughts and urges would come back, to now they are the worst they've been in years and I'm so anxious and stressed. I started dating my girlfriend last year and I used to get so anxious and nervous around her and my brain keeps saying that its false attraction and that you don't love her, I even struggled with sex because I was insecure and inexperienced, and my lack of feelings physically because of my nerves made it worse then the gay thoughts and urges would come and make it hard to concentrate and enjoy the experience. This happened on and off and my brain keeps saying I'm gay and I keep getting aroused by men not groin wise but anally and it frustrates me because I have these arousals from them of nothing then I would provoke these thoughts because I knew they were coming and it get worse and they keep getting worse and my brains saying I enjoy it, I even get aroused by feeling useful and helpful and it frustrates me because being helpful feels good because it makes me feel good but the arousal kills my vibe.
I get aroused with my girlfriend for the most part only genitally, and its by her touch, smell just looking in her eyes and just being there is enough, if I don't watch porn as much but when I stop my arousal to women disappears for a bit and I'm stuck with the gay urges and arousal. My situation now is that its getting worse again and I did a dna test and it said I had two copies of dna that are associated with same sex behavior and its making it so much worse, and I can't sexually perform with my girlfriend because of the urges and how anxious and depressed its making me. I keep seeking reassurance but after awhile it doesn't work, I've been homophobic in the past and I've moved past it but I just with the urges would be less or go away, idc or know if I'm bisexual but I just wish that my true feeling for my girlfriend keep shining through, I want to quit porn so I'm more aroused with her and horny because I've never fully quit it. I just want it to stop or lessen, I want to end the cycle and fully live life without having to be constantly anxious of if I'm gay, am I a horrible person, am I a murderer, what if I accidentally murder someone, and having horrific accidents and images made in my head. I keep trying to check so I can feel better but it keeps getting worse, I even tried masturbating anally and through jacking off and I lost arousal both times, I can't even get off to gay porn at all. So I just wish I could end this cycle and finally have peace and it gets worse when I'm stressed so the urges and feelings amplify.

I've been attracted to women my whole life and I got introduced to porn at age 8 and I've been hooked ever since because it was two women having sex. I watch porn off and on but throughout 8-12 and I used to sneak off to watch it during the night because it gave me such a trill and euphoric feeling I wanted to hug and be surrounded by those women so bad I wanted someone to be with that could be my companion and have sex with me like they did. And when I was a kid I had a moment where I saw this really attractive dude and thought who is that, I wanted to be like him but my brain now always construes it as me being attracted to him and I can't understand if its true or not. I always admired guys and wanted to be like them so bad especially the ones surrounded by everybody because as a male I had a hard time socializing and making friends. So over the years I got better but not by much but I continued to admire men for what I'm not and I wanted friends. But around this time I had penis randomly be in my face imaginatively and I was so confused and perplexed by this and I even had a sexual dream with my brother that I was confused and disgusted by.
Middle school I got called fat and got bullied a lot so I turned to eating and watching porn and masturbating 5+ times a day and I kept constantly watching porn but then I met my friends and we because this really strong friend group and I like this girl but my friend started dating her so I kept continuing to crush on her and continually masturbating to her and all kinds of other porn including pregnant women which is my all time favorite because that's what got me into porn being curious about how babies are made. I even had sexual dreams about women but I was always fucking them in missionary so it was always boring and I was always trying to find some one who could be new to masturbate whether it was real or animated.
I felt throughout my life I'd had obsessions with woman because they were attractive and men because I wanted to be like them, so in high school I continued to have crushes on woman but it felt like I wasn't as attracted to women like the other men were and I was also so picky with who I liked, I couldn't imagine myself with a man and I constantly masturbated to women and the thought of men would ruin my sexual urges. During high school I also played football where men would touch me and be naked and slap my ass which I hated because I don't like it when people touch me, then there was a time when a male barber I frequently went to kept touching my face when cutting my hair and my eyes were closed and I didn't get aroused but I felt comfort in it which my brain kept saying made me gay. In sophomore or junior year after football I liked this girl and I kept having to masturbating to porn to stop getting so hard when she touched me, after that I became more insecure and needy then I got my heart broken by this woman I wasn't dating, and so I got depressed and my mind kept going through things like me being obsessed with me not being a murderer, being a horrible person, or being a pedophile even though I didn't like children. Then I got sexually assaulted by this dude and it felt so horrible and wrong and I told the teacher but I had this anal arousal that I hated I even started flirting with men as a joke, I even started developing these sensations like I was kissing men and that dicks were always near me and that they were always trying to get inside me, it was terrifying and I had to go on anti and depression meds to help me cope. My family said they'd accept me for who I was and that was ok to me but I didn't want those urges and feelings they made me uncomfortable. I was very appreciative of my friend at this time because he was helping me feel better and my brain was like "you like him" that means your gay and it destroyed me and I kept getting into the habit of checking my arousal to men constantly, I watched rollbounce and the big buff dude withe the afro made me so anxious and the anal arousal happened and I didn't like it. I started nofap because I thought it would help me get back to being more aroused by woman and less indifferent to them overall unless it was sexual.
This cycle of it getting better and worse has been going on for years and then I started getting aroused by dudes and it never made me comfortable I thought I had hocd. Using porn to cope but it kept making it worse and my brain kept imagining me doing sexual acts from a woman's point of view and I hated it but I keep being desensitized and it kept escalating over time. The urges would go away and come back and it was so frustrating having to keep dealing with it and having mental breakdowns because of how anxiety inducing and frustrating the thoughts and feelings were. During my few years of off and on episodes a coworker let me touch her boobs and I loved it and I wanted to do so much more with her but I couldn't/didn't have the courage to. Then the urges came back and I'd be frustrated anxious and depressed again, I even made a few male friends at work and I thought they were really cool and kept wanting to impress them so they'd think I'm cool because I'm always constantly worried about how I'm perceived this was before I was diagnosed with adhd, I thought about kissing them and dating them and I didn't enjoy it, it gave me anxiety and I thought about even if they did like me back would I want it. Then this cycle of me heavily masturbating to porn came back and off and on I'd spend money trying to get my fix, I then met a new friend that I would be obsessed with hanging out with because I barely had friends and I had so much fun at their house playing videogames and going places I finally had a place where I could have fun and hang with friends. Then my brain kept saying I had crushes on them and if they'd like me back which made me anxious like I wanted it. I even imagined having sex with them and it didn't feel good but overtime the feeling kept getting more ambiguous and it frustrated me. I kept failing and rebooting with nofap constantly trying to quit porn during this and I kept relapsing and these thoughts made me feel like I was turning gay
After that off and on situation I escalated to seeing escorts and going to massage parlors so I can get my sexual urges fulfilled and I hated visiting escorts because I always regretted it, sex with them was always so boring but I loved massage parlous they felt like such a better investment, I loved it when they would massage me and the anticipation of whether I would get touch down there was so arousing that it felt like I was taking a hit of drugs, I loved it so much porn because so lame to me. I wanted them to touch me feel me, and pleasure I felt aroused and high just thinking about it me I spend thousands of dollars over the years on this and it cause such a financial strain on me to get my fix. But after a while this high went away and was replaced with nothing but shame ever time I went because it felt like porn to me. Having sex with escorts felt like the same thing just like I was masturbating to porn so it was hard to enjoy but searching for them contacting them the process that led up to it gave me a high too. Over time I finally gave up the parlors but porn is still constantly in my mind I would masturbate for hours just to find the right video with thousands of tabs open. I would also get aroused by guys and get so anxious having to deal with it until it went away then I'd be fine. But now skip a few years I would developed a disease that isn't an std but it is frustrating because it would affect the way I perceive the world through touch and it was frustrating and I would go to parlors to cope and have to take anxiety and depression meds to get though it.
The gay thoughts took a heavy backburn and after I started to cope with it the gay thoughts and urges would come back, to now they are the worst they've been in years and I'm so anxious and stressed. I started dating my girlfriend last year and I used to get so anxious and nervous around her and my brain keeps saying that its false attraction and that you don't love her, I even struggled with sex because I was insecure and inexperienced, and my lack of feelings physically because of my nerves made it worse then the gay thoughts and urges would come and make it hard to concentrate and enjoy the experience. This happened on and off and my brain keeps saying I'm gay and I keep getting aroused by men not groin wise but anally and it frustrates me because I have these arousals from them of nothing then I would provoke these thoughts because I knew they were coming and it get worse and they keep getting worse and my brains saying I enjoy it, I even get aroused by feeling useful and helpful and it frustrates me because being helpful feels good because it makes me feel good but the arousal kills my vibe.
I get aroused with my girlfriend for the most part only genitally, and its by her touch, smell just looking in her eyes and just being there is enough, if I don't watch porn as much but when I stop my arousal to women disappears for a bit and I'm stuck with the gay urges and arousal. My situation now is that its getting worse again and I did a dna test and it said I had two copies of dna that are associated with same sex behavior and its making it so much worse, and I can't sexually perform with my girlfriend because of the urges and how anxious and depressed its making me. I keep seeking reassurance but after awhile it doesn't work, I've been homophobic in the past and I've moved past it but I just with the urges would be less or go away, idc or know if I'm bisexual but I just wish that my true feeling for my girlfriend keep shining through, I want to quit porn so I'm more aroused with her and horny because I've never fully quit it. I just want it to stop or lessen, I want to end the cycle and fully live life without having to be constantly anxious of if I'm gay, am I a horrible person, am I a murderer, what if I accidentally murder someone, and having horrific accidents and images made in my head. I keep trying to check so I can feel better but it keeps getting worse, I even tried masturbating anally and through jacking off and I lost arousal both times, I can't even get off to gay porn at all. So I just wish I could end this cycle and finally have peace and it gets worse when I'm stressed so the urges and feelings amplify.

I recently started watching the videos of Dr. Alok Kanojia, and I think I have identified with some cases, that's why I have been encouraged to tell my story. I never saw much use in going to a psychologist or psychiatrist but they always told me so and it wasn't until I felt lost and alone that I decided to give it a try... of course, despite having tried several times I feel that I didn't find the right person.
I don't really know how to explain my case, I could say that it is between having a lack of success in the dating area with doubts about my own gender, I was always a very shy person, I didn't have friends and practically most of my school years were spent at school and when I got home studying or playing video games. I could not really say that it was the typical normal development of reaching adolescence to go out with friends, flirt with women ... if not quite the opposite to be in my house and little else.
Also my earliest memories are of a few times I was made comments about mannerisms I was doing that were associated with women (this was when I was a kid but I think my mind is kind of wanting to connect everything) I remember discovering porn very young and I don't know what impact it had. At first I watched normal porn but as time went on a part of me imagined what it would be like to be a woman and have more of that role and see myself that way.
Then when I was 15-16 years old I was sometimes turned on by men when I saw them naked but beyond that I was mainly attracted to women. The truth is that when I was studying I only talked to male classmates in my school, almost little to say nothing with women.
My mom always told me that if I was gay that nothing would happen and sometimes she would make comments like “look at that handsome boy”. To tell you the truth I didn't know how to feel, since I think part of the reason was that I didn't know how to pick up women, nor did I know what to do, and I guess my own social isolation didn't help either.
I must say that I lost my virginity with a prostitute something that I am not very proud of but the truth is that I did not know how to flirt, that women do not take the step and well I lost it around the age of 21
Some time later I moved to another country and I noticed that I was a little more attractive to women, I tried to be with several of them so many of them were not even attractive to me. The result was many experiences but I also realized that it was hard for me to maintain an erection (I do not know if it was because of nerves or what) and I had premature ejaculation ... added to a problem of hematospermia (blood when I cum) that I tried to fix but the doctors could not  and to top it off they told me that I was infertile.
I could say that 98% of the women rejected me because they said I had too much feminine energy .... These comments made me feel like crap, and my mind put that together with previous experiences, my mother's comments, and my health problems in the sexual area added to the curiosity I once felt about what it would be like to be a woman and the times I got turned on by seeing a man (basically my mind dropped the idea that you are not worth as a man but maybe being a woman is your thing...after all many things come together) there I was alone, no friends and not really knowing what was happening to me
After that I tried to have sex with men, I would say about 8 times in total. Most of them I could say that 50%-60% were kisses that they gave me or oral sex that I did but in the end I did not feel good and I left without finishing having sex.
Of the ones that penetrated me I would say that there was one that made me cum and the rest because of the pain I would leave and go home.
It felt a little weird because in those moments I did not enjoy it but 3-4 days went by and when my mind imagined it was like it gave him morbid and excited me. I couldn't really understand it.
What I take away from these experiences is the rejection and disgust I felt hugging, kissing men, or simply affectionate questions but then the part of being penetrated or being dominated I enjoyed.
On the other hand with women, although not with all of them I can say that I liked the kisses, the affectionate part but when it came to maintain the erection I failed or I would cum soon (which made me feel shitty and the girls didn't take it well) maybe less with one... a very understanding girl who even offered to give me massages to relax me (and thanks to that we could do more things) but the times I could penetrate someone I felt like weird is hard to explain.
In general if there was something in common with men and women it was the discomfort I had when they tried to grab my penis or a girl gave me oral sex.
Then I went to a place where they gave me women's clothes and a make-up artist made me up to look like a woman, and well the make-up artist said that my face had many feminine features. ....
When he finished his work and saw me with my makeup on... far from a sexual arousal I liked the image (to tell the truth I was not sure I wanted to do it... and I must admit that I looked better than I expected in the mirror) in turn the sensations were like I liked it, less stress, or anxiety .... I don't know it was a weird feeling
I showed the pictures to a girl, a girl who initially attracted me but it wasn't very reciprocal, and in the end, we ended up being friends and getting to know each other a bit more.
She told me I looked very pretty and feminine and that if I wanted, one day I could go out with her dressed as a woman, like she does with her friends one night (I felt attractive as a woman and I liked that connection of friendship and sincerity) but my crazy mind played tricks on me saying, look, even as a woman, you have an easier time relating to women, this girl already sees you more as one of her female friends but as a man, she didn't pay as much attention to you.
Should I strive to appear more masculine? I don't know, maybe work out, get surgery to have more masculine facial features, have a rougher behavior to fit in with that?
Or should I just go with the flow and want to be a real woman?"
And now, after all this... I'm left questioning: am I gay? Transsexual? Why did I feel comfortable like this? Why couldn't I just have something normal? The truth is, since I was little, I was always told I was weird, and I feel like this is just another thing to add to the list.
I'm uncertain if this will even be seen or answered. I would be willing to pay for a consultation, though I'm unsure if the person providing it speaks Spanish, as my spoken English isn't fluent enough for me to express myself like this.

Hi. 24M, Visiting Jaipur for a day. Looking for a partner. Are there any Hotels with Gay Staff or Male 2 Male Massage or Any Gay Parties Happening in Jaipur?

I was wondering if a lot of AGP have a life stage when they seem like gay bottoms?
When I was 12-16, several boys who may have been gay tried to seduce me into doing sexual things with them. I was kind of clueless and desperate for friends, so I did get tricked into giving another boy back massages.
I didn't start looking masculine until age 17, so I think I was perceived as effeminate and gay and perhaps an easy target for other gay or closeted boys to be sexual with. I don't know if this particular stage in my life had an influence on my AGP.
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