I was recently logged out of my instagram account and the experience was SUPER frustrating so I thought I’d make a post on here to help other people in need.
What happened was, I changed my instagram password online and then went to go log in on my app, and it was asking for backup verification codes that I did not have. The other option was to have a code texted to me, but no matter how many times I tried, the code would not send to me, so this is how I fixed it.

• stay logged out of your account for at least 24 hours. do not attempt to login or get a code sent to you
  
• make sure you have ALL numbers on your phone unblocked, sometimes you could have the number for instagram blocked unknowingly
  
• after 24 hours, go use a private browser to attempt to log back into your account
  
• after this the code was texted to me successfully, but i was unable to log into my instagram app for another 24 hours
  

Good luck logging back into your account since I know just how upsetting and frustrating this experience can be.
One last note, instagram DOES NOT have a customer service line. There is one posted online, but if a male voice with an accent picks up THAT NUMBER IS A SCAM. He will try and get you to download an app to access your banking information. Luckily, I was able to recognize he was a scammer when he asked me to download this app (a real customer service line would NEVER ask you to do this) but seriously, stay safe out there guys.

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Ideapad Gaming 3 15ARH05 - clean Windows 10 installation issue
Hi everyone.
Recently I bought gaming laptop as in title with Windows 11 installed. It had limited version so I decided to install clean Windows 10 instead. Unfortunately during clean installation from Windows it crashed ("The installation failed in the SAFE_OS phase with an error during PREPARE_FIRST_BOOT operation") as it didn't restarted just looped with restarting and circle still moving.
After that I tried to install clean Windows at the boot of the system and I can't make installer run i.e. on legacy mode installer is starting but after choosing version (64 bit) on the beginning it was choosing the option of update or clean install and then just showing the blue screen and now it's only showing blue screen (cursor works fine).
Do you know how can I "unblock" option to install clean Windows?
Thanks for any help.

Okay I need advice…To start off with this story. I graduated high school last year and as soon as I turned 18 I got on Seeking. Honestly I don’t come from money and I was headed to college soon my dads a single dad so I decided to find a way to pay for school. It wasn’t my best idea but I did it. I also was a virgin at the time and had a lot of guys texting me. I was going to meet this other guy the day I met my now current boyfriend/sugar daddy. But the other guy ended up getting drunk so I met up with my now bf. Our age gap is pretty big I was a month into being 18 and he was 48. We met up at this hotel in my town and as soon as I got there I regretted it. He was friendly and I was very shy around him. Right after we had sex I went to the restroom and made up something about how my dad was asking where I was at it was like two am. I left the room and went to my car and cried I felt so ashamed that I could do something like that. As soon as I got home I showered and blocked him on everything. A week goes by and I tell one of my good friends and we went to Walgreens to get a plan b just to be safe. I realized soon after that I kind of enjoyed it in a way so I unblocked him and we met up again. When he first messaged me he was offering $750 a week but he only would give me $500 max. I was a little annoyed but naive. I quickly realized he wanted a relationship out of this whereas I wanted a sugar daddy only. I’m in college and I have no time for a relationship. I also had never been in a serious relationship so I became very attached to him. I would rant about past ex bfs and how I would miss them and I guess he got annoyed and started it doing it back to me. In the beginning I only saw him as a sugar daddy so I would post pictures of myself in bikinis and he would get mad at me but I wouldn’t care because he didn’t mean anything to me at the time. After a while I slowly fell in love with him I was shooked because he was old and I was young. Around this time one my siblings were getting skeptical about how I was getting money when I bark worked and went to school. She soon found out and outed me to my whole family. For a week straight my family would call me all sorts of names and that was definitely a low point for me. I was feeling really bad at the time and wanted to run away with him. I later found out he was watching porn behind my back and I felt so mad and sad at the same time. How could he have me and watch those things I thought. He swore to me that he would not do it again and he watched it when he was younger so I guess he kind of got addicted to it in a way. I forgave him and we went on with our relationship. We’ve since been together for almost a year. About two months ago I saw him in many girls likes and follows. They would post there body’s and everything. Not shaming that because I used to do that I was upset with my bf because he would get mad at me and call me insecure when I would do it but liked pictures of other girls doing it. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again. Fast forward to last week I was hanging out with him and I kept checking my phone thinking my dad was going to call because I sneaked out to see him. My bf got suspicious and told me to open up my phone so I did. I showed him my messages and snap and he saw that a guy friend had sent me a streak. He was so upset and saying why I was texting another guy. I told him it was a exchange student friend I met in high school and I had a streak with him to keep in touch he was really mad and so I tried to apologize and comfort him. After he said he forgave me and then he got on his phone. Keep in mind he never lets me get on his phone. He owns his own business and he says he doesn’t want me to see his business plans as if I would know what to do with them. I went to his instagram messages and he snatches his phone after he does that I grab it from him and see he texted this girl that had her arch pic as her profile pic. She had slid up on his story and said baeee where he replied with what she said that he had tooken a long time to reply where he said a little:) with a smiley face. I was furious I had drove over and hour to see him and I got my things and I was crying hysterically. He told me he was sorry but somehow blamed it on me. He started yelling at me and saying if you think I want that whore then leave. I was like wtf you texted her back and I’m the one getting shouted at. I later forgave him but now I feel like I let it be okay for so long he’ll just do it again. I’m so in love with him and I don’t want to leave him. I would like someone different to see it in another perspective. Did he make mistakes that I should just forgive or should I just leave now?

In advance, sorry for the rant. It's just after-game frustration.
So, I decided to come back to DBD after taking over a year-long break. In the first 3 games I decided to play Skull Merchant, Huntress and Demogorgon.
Now, I knew people didn't like Skull Merchant but 3 people giving up right from the start? Really? I just wanted to play a less stressful killer to get into the game. Huntress game went pretty decent. 2K but I am hella rusty with her hatchets so I consider that a win overall.
Now, the demo game... I remembered that Demo was frustrating to play after SBMM but holy shit is it frustrating to play Demo now. It might be the stupid SBMM giving me sweats since I used to play Demo practically all the time before it was added so my MMR might be really high with Demo. But combine that with most survivors being on comms, getting into safe spots before I could even have a chance to do anything and a sabo build tailing me whenever someone was gonna be downed. Man...
Now to the main issue, my fellow Demo/M1 killer players. How in bloody hell do you play around the infinite window on Groaning Storehouse? I feel like there's no counter play as Demo, forcing you to force the triple-vault block which wastes a good minute, only to have the survivor get into another safe loop which they leave again for the infinite window whenever it gets unblocked. I thought this would have been solved this long after I left but I guess not.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/lolfuckno.
This post was originally posted to weddingshaming.
There was already a BoRU post by u/autochthonouschimera, which didn't include the last update yet.
TRIGGER WARNING: cheating, child neglect, extreme entitledness, talk of abortion
MOOD SPOILERS: infuriating, confusing, frustrating
The new update at the bottom of this post has been marked with --- ---
Original story was posted on December 7, 2021
Okay, so this girl I know from high school is getting married. We're both 22, for reference. In our senior year of high school she got pregnant, with baby daddy A who will be referred to as Adam. Her super conservative parents kicked her out and she ended up moving in with a friend's family. She barely graduated high school. The only reason she did were because of the generosity and support of our teachers and students who volunteered to help her, which is how we met. We were in the same law class in the morning and she had the worst morning sickness that really affected her ability to be in class. So, I took extra notes for her, tutored her, and brought her her stuff if she hadn't come back by the bell. I wasn't the only one who did stuff like this for her and I know she really appreciates all the assistance we gave her. She had the baby a month after we graduated.
She'd signed up for a 911 dispatcher course for after high school because where we live it's a good steady job, with opportunity for certificates and promotions. But she didn't realize how intensive the course would be and had to drop out. She started working at a grocery store bakery, just until she had a better plan. Adam started an apprenticeship while working part time at a hockey rink, and proposed to her literally the day of her eighteenth birthday, and brought up marriage because "it's the right thing to do" (I don't really agree with that but this isn't about me) and she was always refusing.
She started cheating on him after a while (we're all 19 now), and eventually leaves him for another guy because... She's pregnant again and it is far more likely that this guy, baby daddy B who will be referred to as Brad, is the father of the child. Neither of them can afford lawyers so getting any kind of custody agreement is a mess, and then their parents got involved and they did 50/50 split (still not made official). She has the baby, that does turn out to be Brad's, and everything is okay for about nine months, when she finds out Brad has been cheating on her with his TA. Brad decides to pay child support but doesn't really want contact with the kid, only around holidays and one weekend a month for his parents' sake.
She moves back in with her parents (we're all 20 now) who only accept her back because there's grandchildren around. On the plus side, (when she's 21) she gets to take that year long dispatcher course, and passes with flying colours!
After working as a dispatcher for a year (we're all 22 now) she meets a police officer we'll call Chad, who's 26 and married... And Adam's second (?) cousin (I can't remember how they're related, just that Adam and Chad are related somewhat distantly). She has an affair with him (infidelity is super common among cops apparently). She gets knocked up, his wife divorces him, Chad proposes because "it's the right thing to do", she accepts, and her parents kick her out again for being a [insert expletive here], she moves in with Chad with her two kids. They've started planning the wedding, which... Given the background is something akin to a dumpster fire. Adam is LIVID. He was desperately in love with this girl and hasn't really recovered from what she did to him, and while she rejected his proposals years ago, she's accepted one FROM HIS COUSIN WHO PROPSED FOR THE SAME REASON HE DID.
Adam has basically made a call for loyalty in the family, dividing everyone one who should go, who should give money, etc plus they're having trouble planning anything because of COVID. Her parents have outright said that they're not going, along with half of her family, and her younger sister has been going around and sabotaging what plans they can make.
She has asked me to be a bridesmaid, I said that I couldn't because I live in a different province now, but the truth is, I do not want to be wrapped up in that clusterfuck in any way . I'm just watching the arguments and events unfold on social media because this is quite honestly the most entertaining thing I've seen all year. It's weird to me that she even asked because we're not friends, we never have been. We were friendly strangers in high school, I just helped her out for one class because she needed help and I could give it to her. I was just being nice. But based on how she turned out I'm just sad for her. Three kids in four years, and she's alienated so much of her friends and family because if her actions, and I'm torn between feeling sorry for her and putting my head in my hands.
EDIT 1:
First off, all of your comments are hilarious. Second, I'm going to answer some of the common questions.
We're from a city with over 400,000 thousand people, she just comes from the neighbourhood that is made of either bible thumpers or white trash, with no in between. But the high school we went to was in a completely different neighbourhood than that.
Our school had a pretty good sex Ed course, and they gave out free condoms and had resources to help girls get birth control, and they had programs in place for if students ever got pregnant/were going to be teen parents (they also had one of those classes with the dolls for girls who were high risk at teen pregnancy but she wasn't high risk so she wasn't in that class) I don't if BC just didn't work for her, or if she never tried it.
She started alienating her friends after the affair with Chad came out, because people weren't exactly jumping for joy that she'd broken up a marriage (Chad and his ex didn't have any kids, thankfully, so there were less obstacles). When people weren't immediately ecstatic for her she started getting very snippy, rude, and was "calling the bitches out" on social media for not supporting her new relationship or pregnancy. (Tbh I'm really worried about her health because having this many babies so close together is just not good for her health, mental or physical.) People are also worried that Chad will cheat on her "if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you" and think she should avoid marrying him so that she can just leave him if it happens.
I'll give you updates as they come out, but so far it's just a lot of yelling on social media (mostly from her), some relatives slut shaming her, and people who are just really worried about her because, as funny as this is, this doesn't seem like healthy behaviour.
EDIT 2:
First off, I realized I never gave this girl a name. For the sake of clarity we'll call her Beth. I realize that I didn't mention this before, but all of these are fake names.
Second, to everyone commenting that Chad is at fault for his marriage breaking up, believe me I'm well aware of that. It is his ex wife and her family/friends who solely blame Beth. Chad is also older than her and has more life experience, so I do believe that he could potentially be taking advantage of her naivete. However, she is also an adult who is capable of making her own decisions and has chosen to make poor ones in the past.
Third, people who are upset that I'm posting this story here, claiming I'm humiliating her. She has been posting about this mess on every social media platform she has since they got engaged in July. She put this out there long before I did except she did so in front of friends, family, employers, and coworkers, as well as internet randos.
Fourth, despite getting engaged in July and attempting to start planning then, I was only asked to be a bridesmaid three days ago. I knew that there was a mess going on but I didn't really pay attention to it until she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I tried to ask what was going on, I said that she should talk to someone, but when she completely brushed me off I checked her FB and Instagram and found out about all of... This.
Fifth, I realized that I didn't really talk about how disastrous the wedding planning has been going, see here you go:

• they've had to rebook three times because venues and vendors kept cancelling when infection numbers got worse even thought their wedding was months away
• Beth has been flipping between having the wedding while she's pregnant saying she's proud of her bump, and wanting to wait until they're born because she feels fat, which is unfortunate because she's been breaking down due her insecurity on a public platform
• Beth is currently seven months pregnant
• Beth's great aunt was going to give her her wedding dress to wear (after she gives birth) but Beth's mom freaked and stole the dress from said aunt before Beth could get it and is now keeping it, the great aunt says she's too old to get in a fight and has shrugged it off
• Chad's immediate family is paying for the wedding and has been cut off by the rest of their extended family for 'choosing Chad'
• Beth's wedding colours are pink and green, which is usually a nice combo but the specific shades don't go great together, they're her and Chad's favourite colours, which is fine but she literally made a video talking about these colours for 14 minutes on her insta and both of her kids are just full on bawling in the background and she's ignoring them and she's gotten some flack for that
• Adam is finally settled into his trade and has now hired a lawyer and is trying to get primary custody and not allow his daughter to go to the wedding
• she's planning a zoom baby showebachelorette party and has sent out a registry and she's asking for crazy expensive things
• she's also set up a go fund me to help pay for a honeymoon and is making a lot of posts about how no one loves her cause the fund only has $1267 of the $20k she wanted

I'll update when I can but I'm still in school and while I do want to help her, she's refused help offered in the past and there's only so much of this I can take mentally right now.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE:
Hey everyone, so some stuff has gone down, and it doesn't look like it's over yet. Sorry, I didn't update sooner, but Rona came back with a vengeance and totally messed up plans with uni and family. Anyway, onto the update.
From the last update - 16th - Lots of ranting and chaotic wedding planning on social media, she found a dress and has decided she will get married while pregnant, they found a local wedding venue that is very lovely, but I'm shocked she's still trying to book stuff with all of their previous venue cancellations.
December 16th - Her little sister unblocked her to call her a s*ut and tell her that all her wedding plans were stupid. This resulted in a petty and entertaining facebook war until the little sis blocked her again on the 17th.
December 18th - Beth went nuts on social media because Adam had "kidnapped" their daughter, what really happened is that because courts are moving at a snail's pace due to COVID and Adam had reason to believe that their daughter was not safe living with Beth he decided to just... Not give her back. They don't have a custody agreement, and when Beth tried to call the cops they couldn't do anything because he was kinda right. There were dozens of videos on her various social media accounts of her ignoring their daughter, yelling at her daughter for crying or doing other things that toddlers do, it turns out that everything she needed was bought by Adam, food, diapers, clothes, toys, daycare (while it was open) etc. on top of the unofficial child support he was paying every month (which turned out to be $500 a month, a number I find ridiculous because Adam was already paying for literally everything) because she refused to buy anything for her daughter and insisted it was Adam's responsibility. Additionally, after the immediate post-birth appointments, Beth never took baby A to a doctor's appointment, she always deferred that to Adam. Baby A's pediatrician has NEVER met Beth. Beth even tried to get Chad to push back or intimidate him or something, but the local police where we live are under one hell of a microscope after a bunch of dirty cops got busted a couple of years ago. Basically, the cops, and the social worker they ended up calling, ended up saying there was nothing she could do until they get to court. The social worker tried to get her to go to therapy and parenting classes, but Beth refused and went on a fifteen paragraph long rant on Facebook about how she doesn't need parenting classes or therapy (she really, really does though) and called the social worker some choice words.
December 19-24 - Just a bunch of ranting on social media, calling everyone who doesn't enable or justify her behaviour cuss words, slurs, and a whole bunch of other horribly creative things. Also, both she and Chad are under investigation at work now, but she has no idea why. I'm gonna take this time to remind everyone that 99% of this info is coming from her public social media pages where her coworkers are friends and place of employment is listed.
December 25 - I am officially embarrassed to know this woman. I didn't go on her FB page until the evening cause I didn't want to deal with drama, first thing in the morning, on Xmas. In the morning she put on a very beautiful blue maternity dress, got Chad in his police blues, and baby B in a purple romper, and then live-streamed her and her family going to the courthouse to get married on Christmas day. (According to her Twitter, part of this was because their newest venue cancelled on them after COVID numbers spiked) Overall, a pretty tacky thing in my opinion because she stated plain as day, several times, that she intended her wedding anniversary to eclipse Christmas for her children because it's just "so much more special, you know?" (I am so glad that Baby B's grandparents are filing for guardianship) But here's the thing... The courthouse isn't open. Because of COVID for one thing, but also because it's Xmas and Canada has a predominantly Christian history. She proceeded to have a full meltdown, and when Baby B cried because, y'know, the kid's mom was screaming up a storm and scaring her, Beth called her a c*nt. Yup. So done with this bitch.
December 28 - I ran into her at a vaccine clinic cause we were both getting our booster shots. She didn't recognize me at first but one of my old bosses (cause I used to work at the hospital the vaccine clinic was in) called my name and said hi, so she came up to me after my old boss had left. We talked a bit while we sat down for the mandatory waiting period after getting the shot. She asked how I was but didn't even wait for me to respond before she started ranting and complaining about her life. I was just going to sit there until the time was up and then just politely make my exit, but when she started talking shit about her kids something inside me snapped. I just said "Do you even like your kids? Do you like being a mom?" She got pretty quiet for a second and then said "no". Idk, her voice and demeanour completely changed and we just sat in silence until our time was up. I said goodbye but it was really awkward.
December 31st (today) - I just looked at her feed and, this is such a shocking what-the-actual-f*** moment. She's thinking about giving up her kids. She went on about how recently she was asked if she liked her kids or being a mom, and how she realized that she didn't. She hates her children and blames them for ruining her life, and how she doesn't want to be a mom. I mean, nothing is official yet, but what the hell?!
I'll update as stuff happens now that I have the time, but this whole thing has been a big giant mess. Also, sorry for any formatting or grammatical errors, I'm not used to using Reddit on my PC.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE
Okay, so, some stuff has happened and most of it's good? Also, the TL:DR for this update will be at the bottom
Jan 4th - Beth (and Chad) stopped posting on all social media. I was actually a little worried she died, I mean this woman posts everything short of her trips to the bathroom on IG.
Oddly enough, this got people messaging or interacting with her social media pages because she was usually the one to start contact, and that contact was usually yelling. No one heard from them and some people started to be like "should we call the cops for a wellness check?" Until Chad posted a status saying that they're fine but are "busy, please stop trying to contact us right now". Everyone listened but it was weird.
Jan 11 - I got a notification that Beth and Chad are active on social media again, but I didn't feel like drama so I didn't check out any of their posts.
Jan 12 (today) - she messaged me on FB asking me to be her MOH. She also kept going on about the resort in Cancun that she and Chad were looking to have their wedding at... This coming February. Omnicrom is really bad where we are, so no one should be travelling anywhere. I've actually had to delay my trip back to the province where I go to university. No one should be travelling anywhere.
Beth also found out that Chad was cheating on her with one of her co-workers and called the woman a "homewrecker" on FB tagged her, and posted the texts she found on Chad's phone. But Chad is the "love of her life" so she's forgiven him, but not the other woman. Which I find very hypocritical, considering how she and Chad got together.
She also sent pics of possible bridesmaid dresses and they are the most hideous dresses I've ever seen. I know that some brides do that thing where they want to look a million times better by comparison but this was just ridiculous. One of them looked like a partially deflated balloon with feathers strapped to it. She also openly admitted that she expected everyone attending to pay 3k, 2k would go towards that guest's stay at the resort and 1k would go to her and Chad and they will expected wedding gifts, so that they could get their room for free. Apparently, she talked to someone at the resort and if she got enough people to book their rooms she and Chad would get theirs for free. She also wanted the money to be given to her instead of directly to the hotel so that people wouldn't realize that she was taking 1k of their money. Beth sent me a pic of the wedding dress she wanted, and it's definitely a clubbing dress. If that's what she wants that's fine (and for the record I do think she would look great in it, Beth's (current) dream wedding dress ) but she wants all the guests to be dressed black tie. And she's already sent a list of unreasonable requests. Such as;

• all women must wear heels (for a wedding in the beach???)
• no one is allowed to have a baby or be pregnant (really?)
• girls must have longer than shoulder length hair, boys must have very short hair, only and inch or two long
• no one is allowed to be skinnier than her
• she will be providing diets for everyone attending based on how she wants us to look
• she and Chad must get bachelor and bachelorette parties both in Canada and in Mexico that need to be "fit for a king and queen" and both must be paid for but anyone but the bride and groom "cause that's just tacky"
• no unnatural hair
• no tattoos (you have five tattoos, Beth, and in the dress you want all will be on full display)
• no one is allowed to talk to her directly, they must speak through the MOH and BM

Honestly there's a lot more but I didn't feel like typing all that out. She's posted the list on FB and IG and people are already calling her a bridezilla.
I was also just kinda weirded out because aside from the previous convo at the hospital and when she originally asked me to be a bridesmaid, we haven't spoken since high school. So I respectfully declined, stating that the virus and school were my top concerns right now. Then, I decided to check her socials to see if she'd posted anything. She had and everything was basically how it was before the hiatus... Except her kids are nowhere to be found. No "look at my cute baby" pics are kids crying in the background of her videos. Nothing. Though, based on her new pics of herself, she's given birth to baby C. I mean, she's definitely still recovering, but she also definitely had a baby and that baby is not on any of her socials, so when she responded to my decline with an attempt at guilting me to be her MOH, I asked her where her kids were. This was her response.
"Oh, I left them at the side of the road in our way home from the hospital those moochers could walk home lol"
I was like, please tell me you're not being serious (especially cause it looks like she had the baby days ago). And she replied "I was just joking you shouldn't be so serious all the time". Honey, you made a joke about child abandonment/abuse, you're not being serious enough. And then I finally got the update on the kids.

• Baby A is still with Adam, Beth signed away her rights
• Baby B and Baby C have been given to a mutual cousin of Adam and Chad who is infertile (tbh I didn't need that last tidbit of info or the three paragraph long rant about how God hates infertile women, I didn't even read all of it, I couldn't, and I didn't think that Beth could be so cruel to even think those things). I checked out the FB page of Baby B's grandparents and they're happy with their grandchild's new parents, it looks like the cousin and her husband and welcoming them to the family as another set of grandparents and will let them have access to B. So yay!
• One thing I do need to stress though is that because of COVID the courts in our areas are either moving at a snail's pace or closed, so none of this is "official" but Beth (and Chad) has signed paperwork and all that needs to happen now is presenting that to a judge.

And when I rejoined our convo she said the doc she had for baby C gave her brith control, and she was surprised cause after her first pregnancy she asked her doctor for it but he refused to give her any. She mentioned that her old doctor was also her mom's and sister's doctor, she ended up asking the doc who delivered baby C to be her new doctor, so I hope that works out.
After learning all this my convo with Beth started to go down hill...
Beth: wait, did you actually think I would just leave my kids at the side of the road! I just didn't want to be a mom, but I wasn't a bad one
Me: Beth, I think that you've been through a lot of trauma in the past few years, and that it's gotten to you mentally and that you should speak to a professional.
(Of course, Beth has been a bad mom, but she does need mental health help and I wasn't going to convince her to get it, or to not tell at me, if I said that )
Beth: what? You think I'm crazy?!
Me: no. I think that getting kicked out as a teen because of a pregnancy and having your family actively reject you and try to sabotage you must have been very painful. Plus, pregnancy puts a lot of mental stress on women and you've had three in such a short time span, I just want you to take care of yourself and get what you want in life, and I think that will start with you taking care of your mental health.
Beth: what I want... IS FOR YOU TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL! Beth then calls me every cuss word, expletive, and derogatory word she can think of one of the words she called me was a derogatory word about people from my ethnicity and my blood is boiling that she thought it was okay to say that to me.
So, I'm now on her hit list. She's been blowing up my social media all day, on her last FB post where she called me a slur she said that she still expects a good wedding gift from me. Yeah, no. So I've blocked her on everything, and I've decided to completely cut off contact. This will be my last update.
TL:DR - Beth went on a social media blackout for a bit, had baby C. Gave up all her kids, baby A is still with Adam, Baby B and Baby C are with a mutual cousin of Adam and Chad and baby B's grandparents have access. Chad cheated on her and she forgave him, but she probably shouldn't have. She's decided to have her wedding in a little over a month in Cancun and is expecting unreasonable things of everyone already. She asked me to be MOH I respectfully declined. I also suggested that she talk to a mental health professional because she's been through a lot in the last few years and she cussed me out, she also called me a derogatory name directed at people of my ethnicity and that was the final nail in the coffin. I'm now on her hit list. But her kids are safe and I have no interest in going to wedding so I'm cutting contact completely and have already blocked her on all my socials. I'm refusing to be involved with her anymore and will not be updating on the situation.
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--- EDIT - NEW UPDATE --- - JANUARY 25, 2023 - TL:DR AT THE BOTTOM
Hi, everyone, I didn't think I would be making another update, but here I am. I don't know if anyone will even care but whatever. I saw a YouTuber, Charlotte Dobre, do an entire video about this post on Facebook (which was funny, she did it well), [editor's note: here's the video in question and also: check out Charlotte Dobre's subreddit !] and got so nervous that Beth was gonna see it. Turned out, she's seen it and does not give a single damn, because as I pointed out, the majority of the info in this post came from her public social media. She also doesn't know who posted it (more on that in the update). I am still no contact with Beth and have no plans to change that anytime soon, but we have mutual friends who have told and shown me what's happened.
First things first, she and Chad did get married, but they eloped. According to all sources they are completely and utterly miserable though. Chad has proven to be and overall lazy and unfaithful husband, and Beth has really gotten into feminism (with a focus on reproductive issues) after she started using birth control, and Roe v Wade getting overturned (even though we're in Canada) really caused tension in their marriage. As it turns out, Chad thinks that abortion is murder and God created women for the purpose of making babies.
Beth tried to argue that not all women want or should be mothers using herself as an example, and then Chad went ahead and used her as an example of why women should be forced to have kids, because in the end she gave kids to an infertile couple. She didn't take that well and said that her entire life and future was ripped away from her and destroyed the second she got pregnant with baby A. Adam was never slut shamed or demeaned like she was, both at home and at school (which is a fair point, myself and many others were helpful and supportive but there were a lot of people who judged the hell out of her and said really nasty stuff) and that if she hadn't gotten pregnant she would've gone to college or university because she lost the general and financial support of her family with that positive pregnancy test. Chad has made a Tinder account. Beth was informed but it doesn't seem like she gave a damn.
So basically you could cut the tension with a knife.
And with her family, her sister came out as gay and cut off/has been cut off from their parents. But she's got a partial scholarship so she's doing okay. She and Beth are NOT on good terms but have met up and acknowledged that their parents messed them up by being religious nuts and their parents encouraged them to be competitive with each other and sabotage each other. Apparently their dad's motto is "competition brings out the best in everyone" (ugh). But they've talked and that's good enough for now.
Neither Beth nor Chad have custody or visitation of their children, which Chad is starting to regret because he's suddenly getting more and more into the church and religion. Chad talked to Beth about getting baby C back but Beth shut that down hard and warned the cousin who adopted baby C (officially and legally btw).
Beth started going to therapy after she and Chad got married, which makes me very happy and excited for her.
There was a rumour going around that Chad has a mistress and it took me a while to confirm, but it's true. He's cheating on her with a paramedic and she knows. Beth is fully aware. Idk if she plans to do anything about it or just continue to ignore it, but I hope she leaves his ass. I'm still not gonna talk to her, she crossed so many lines, but she's grown and improved a lot and her life would be a lot better without that sac of scum in her life.
Now, I have given a few details in my post that should've revealed my identity to her, namely her asking me to be her MOH. I have found out that she actually asked around 15 girls (including myself) to be her MOH, without telling any of us about the others because she was trying to get money from all of us and because her mental health has just been very bad and she needed help. And of those 15, 8 have been going to school out of province and of those eight we all had basically the same classes in high school. And apparently doesn't remember our discussion at the vaccination clinic and had major blow up with everyone she asked to be MOH. So she knows it's one of 8 people and reportedly has no interest in trying to narrow that number down. (Chad did the same thing with his groomsmen, but idk any of the numbers)
TL:DR Beth and Chad got married (eloped), are miserable, have zero custody or visitation with any of their children, Chad's cheating and Beth doesn't appear to care, Chad is super sexist, Beth is a feminist now, Beth's sister is gay and they've talked but not reconciled, Beth asked too many girls to be MOH for money and doesn't know the ID of who made this post.
Dear "Beth", if this post gets forwarded to you or somehow graces your phone screen, leave Chad. He's trash and you'll be much better without him in your life. And though I'm not willing to talk to you again because of your words and actions, I do wish for you to have a wonderful and happy life.
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Please remember the NO BRIGADING RULE: do not comment on the original posts linked in BoRUs, see Rule 7. Doing so can result into a permanent ban from this sub and the other linked sub(s).
I'm not the OOP!

I have managed to close my self off mostly from spirits, I was terrified as a child and would feel and hear things. At some point around the age of 20 I used holy water, blessed my whole house then would pray every night to block me from hearing or seeing anything that would scare me. As I’ve gotten older I can still feel peoples emotions and can sense when spirit in rooms but it’s very dampened. As I’ve gotten older it’s felt like something was missing. I’ve started to want to explore some of that again and would be open to unblocking but I’m still terrified. I guess I’m looking for direction. Is there a way to live my true self and feel safe at the same time?
Thanks!

Is it just me or is dire offlane support genuinely miles worse than the other 3 support positions? Keeping the large camp unblocked on the dire offlane feels way harder than the one radiant gets to have, and radiant safelane gets a good few spots to ward for vision safely. Any advice?

Hi everyone.
Recently I bought gaming laptop as in title with Windows 11 installed. It had limited version so I decided to install clean Windows 10 instead. Unfortunately during clean installation from Windows it crashed ("The installation failed in the SAFE_OS phase with an error during PREPARE_FIRST_BOOT operation") as it didn't restarted just looped with restarting and circle still moving.
After that I tried to install clean Windows at the boot of the system and I can't make installer run i.e. on legacy mode installer is starting but after choosing version (64 bit) on the beginning it was choosing the option of update or clean install and then just showing the blue screen and now it's only showing blue screen (cursor works fine).
Do you know how can I "unblock" option to install clean Windows?
Thanks for any help.

https://imgur.com/a/MdN6xhy
So, I've seen a few posts struggling with ole' Father Time, and I thought I'd brew up the pause incantation and take some helpful screenshots for those who need it.
Phase 1
Chronos has two basic attacks, a dash and a scythe swing. If you're hit by the scythe, he'll stun you. Each one leaves an afterburn trail behind it that will detonate one second later. Note that this afterburn is unblockable. More on these basic attacks later.
Phase 1 starts with a bunch of Satyrs around. I like to dash back towards the Styx and clear them out before Grandpappy starts busting a move, but if you have some boons that like having adds you might keep them around longer (looking at you, Hitchin' Hera.)
Chronos' next trick is a move I like to call the suck and blow. He'll spin Hrodreptus (his pretentiously-named scythe) and vacuum you into it while charging a big shot.
The only real danger here is if you use a Hex. Because Chronos just ignores all time slowing, what'll happen is you'll get vacuumed in and take a ton of damage. Don't do this.
Just circle around and wail on him, or if you can't, run far and be ready to dodge his moneyshot.
Chronos Phase 1 will phase at 3/4, 1/2, and 1/4 health. Each time he spawns adds and a small bullet hell around himself. Don't stand near him.
After 1/2 health, he'll start to combo his basic moves in a set of three. This can be any combination of dash and scythe. The danger here is if you get stunned by a scythe swing he's going to triple combo you, so don't do that.
Chronos will at some point spawn banners. These pulse, giving barrier to your enemies. They also are made of cloth, having roughly 2-300 hp, so bursting them all down before he gets a single barrier is pretty easy.
Chronos can teleport, and will do so often. He leaves behind a circle that turns into a timefreeze dome, so don't be in that.
Chronos can summon balls that orbit him, which he'll then try to dash into you with. If you can make him dash into a wall, he'll smash his balls.
By far the easiest thing to get hit by in Phase 1 is his scythe throw. It always travels clockwise from him, so try to run in that direction, but I'll be honest it comes out fast and is both big and fast, so you're probably going to get hit a lot before you get the timing on a dodge.
At 1/4 health, the adds he summons have armor. I've seen them be as easy as laser goldbags, and as bad as Satyrs.
So the really tricky part about Chronos is just how many moves he adds to phase 2. He retains all of the above moves except banners while adding an entirely new moveset.
Phase 2 always opens with a full-screen oneshot. There's always one place to stand safely, on one of the 12 hours of the clockface arena.
He will, in my experience, often follow this up with his second one-shot, floating to the middle of the arena which has a donut-shaped safe area around him.
Be careful while standing in the safe spot for both one-shots. Quite a few of your attacks will shift your model just enough to have a toe out of place and get a death defiance slapped out of you for it.
Next new move is a slowly shrinking ring, just dodge through it as it approaches. This can have multiple concentric rings.
He'll time-slow you at random, there's no image of this but it doesn't last long.
He'll summon a red ticking hand on the clock. This does damage and persist, unlike the gold clock hands he summons.
He'll do a bullet hell, this time in the entire arena. This is indicated by three red circles, but the bullets are slow and don't persist too long.
He'll summon a timestop dome in the middle of the clock and at each clockface. This can be tricky to dodge.
At 1/2 health he spawns adds, starting at 12 and sequentially warping in clockwise. These are the annoying torch-special throwing hourglasses that explode in a timefreeze. Mostly they just distract you from the real threat though, which is that now Chronos is mad and will do his three-hit combo, in addition to his second-phase moves.
Last new move is gold clock hands that spawn in and then detonate. These start at spawning 2 and reach full arena saturation once he's low. Combined with everything above they can difficult to dodge.
Above all, the number 1 biggest danger is Chronos himself. Getting hit by the arena is bad, but if he combos you, he can easily take 3 death defiance.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Death to Chronos.

After 5 years of no contact, I (34F) unblocked my mother on social media. Within a couple hours she sent me a message, so I blocked her from sending messages but I can still see her profile.
She has been posting parental alienation support group posts for a while, claiming that it’s the reason I’m no contact with her. She is publicly blaming my father, who I am very close to (they divorced when I was very young), and says he has manipulated me and controlled me and has had a smear campaign against her for my whole life. She is claiming that I am not making the decision to be no contact on my own, and that one day I will “wake up” and realize I’ve been lied to. She has friends who are supporting her and “praying” that “my eyes are opened and I return to her.”
The reason I am no contact is because she is an abusive, meth addicted, hoarding narcissist who put me through hell. I’ve told her multiple times that this is the reason she’s not in my life and I’ve told her in front of the police that I’m acting on my own accord, no one is manipulating or controlling me, and my decisions and actions are mine alone. She of course has support of internet friends who know nothing of the truth.
I just needed to get this out I guess. I want to bash her online and tell the truth to all her “friends” but she’s so good at her game and I know that’s probably what she wants. So I’ll stay no contact for my safety and the safety of my family and let her continue her bullshit.
Thanks for being the safe place to vent. Not many other people understand.

Hey. I wanna share my story because it's just eating me up from the inside. Maybe someone has experienced something similar and could give some advice on what to do and what not to do. Sorry if the story is long. My head is a mess, I've been crying every day for over a week. Just a heads up, both of us haven't had much relationship experience (we are both adults though, started when I was in my late 20s and he's quite a bit older than me)
At first it was so great, he was the man of my dreams. He love mombed me, made me feel special, had constant communication. No one has ever talked to me as much as he did. He said I am the best gf he's ever had in every single way and he is super scared to lose me. We had the absolute best time together, like from a fairytale. First month of us together he was already talking about getting married. But of course after some time his love bombing phase slowly stopped. I got so used to the constant attention and loving messages that to me it was a shock that it all suddenly went away. He said it's just because he's not an affectionate person and doesn't like to give compliments and lovey dovey messages. Like, if he's with me, it already means that he thinks im pretty and loves me, there's no need to say it out loud. When I dress up nice and do makeup, or when I would send him pics of myself, there would be no reaction. I was fully abandoned in that way, even though we still talked a lot every day, but there was no romantic aspect, as if we're just friends. Then I started noticing the little lies he would always tell me. Also I saw a dating app on his phone where me and him met, which he claimed he deleted long ago, and my trust for him sort of started shattering from here. I became paranoid and insecure and needy and would always ask for attention and reassurance. I didn't realise that I was doing something wrong until it was too late. I became controlling and anxious, I loved him so much and was so scared to lose him that I smothered him with my love and neediness and paranoia as I kept on stumbling upon more and more of his little (and big) lies, which he claimed he was telling me to avoid hurting my feelings.
On month 5 of our relationship he started trying to break up with me quite a lot. Any small disagreement or argument that we had, or even just something I said that he didn't like, he would tell me to leave him, that he's a horrible person, doesn't want to be with me and he wants to break up. I would beg and plead for him not to leave, and it would happen more and more often, but in the end we would always reconcile and get back together within like a day or two of separating. Most times he would message me first and apologise for his behaviour. Once I even agreed to breakup and he very quickly changed his mind and reached out first.
Sooner I realised that all of these "break ups" were not serious back then because he would never actually block or delete me. But around 3-4 months ago the breakups became constant and very severe. He would delete me from everywhere and block me, while still leaving me little pathways to contact him, like email or imessage or steam, while blocking me everywhere else. Of course I would come begging and pleading and crying and saying sorry for whatever I did to upset and angry him. I thought I was doing the right thing by showing him how terrified I am of losing him and how much he means to me, now I understand how badly I messed everything up. During breakups he would treat me so so so bad and tell me so many awful awful things. He admitted to being a pathological liar and that he will never change, he told me he was texting other girls (idk a lie or not), he would say the most vicious things to me, like he never loved me, doesnt want me, doesnt care if i cry, or suffer, or die etc, that we don't match and we will never be good together, told me to go meet other guys, but whenever we made up he would always say he didn't mean any of it. He told me that when I catch him in a lie I should just ignore it and not say it to his face. I would always tell him that I love him no matter what and will accept him with his flaws, that I will work on my insecurities and will try to do my best to make him feel comfortable and I will accept the fact that he's a liar if he agrees to work on it and not freak out whenever I catch him. He agreed to work on things, but whenever any small disagreement would come up, he would immediately flip and break up again.
Two months ago he started an argument with me out of nothing and blocked me one day before I was going on a one week trip with my mum. He said "cry while going on a plane and during your trip", then fully ghosted me. No amount of crying and pleading helped. I was so confused because literally nothing happened for him to act this way. Then he unblocked me right the next day. It made me so mad that he did something like this right before the trip that I was stressed about and preparing for for so long, that I didn't contact him for two weeks, it was our first ever big "break" from the relationship. He didn't contact me either. Not even to ask how the trip went. Of course I ended up giving in and contacted him first. He said that he didn't even think we broke up because he didn't delete me from anywhere. For some reason instead of feeling mad I felt happy... We made up that time. But after this, any smallest tiny thing would set him off and he would get mad and block me and disappear. Deleting and blocking wasnt a big deal anymore and i even got used to it at some point. And of course whenever this happened he wouldnt text me first, I would always come to him apologising even when I didn't do anything wrong. The stress all of that caused me is immeasurable. I'm an anxiously attached person with childhood traumas and every time he would break up and punish me it would just destroy me.
9 days ago I caught him in another lie and instead of admitting to it and talking about it like adults would, he said "fuck you", dropped the call, blocked me and deleted me from EVERYWHERE this time. For the first time he even removed our matching steam profile pics and names which totally devastated me. No secret pathways left to contact him except email. I emailed him a lot apologising and begging and pleading, but all he said was "im never coming back, goodbye". I got myself together and wrote him one last email saying that I'm sad he's leaving but I wish him all the best, that he was the love of my life and that I'm sorry for everything. Two days later he responded to my email saying "im sorry for hurting you, I'm just too selfish. Hope you can get over it soon. If we are meant to be maybe we will meet again someday. Stay safe". I have no idea what this meant but I took it as a goodbye. I started grieving. But then, the next day, first he unblocked me on one messenger. Then the next day, another messanger. On fourth day he unblocked me pretty much everywhere except steam. It's been one week since then. What does it mean? Why unblock me? I can't continue the process of moving on because I'm so so confused. I can't sleep, I can't eat, every morning I wake up at like 4 am feeling nauseous with awful panic and anxiety and can't go back to sleep.
He also subbed to my patreon using a fake account today. I know it's him because his username is a special word that we used to use when talking to each other and he told me that even if we break up, he would still want to support me in my passions.
I understand that I ruined this relationship with my constant need for affection, insecurities and paranoia, I know I smothered him with my presence, I know I am largely at fault for the way he treated me and how he ghosted and hurt me, but I still love him and want him back. I know everyone says keep NC, but what if he never reaches out because he's actually moving on? Or because he's scared? This is the first time that I'm trying to show strength to him and not begging and pleading, but I'm so close to breaking and just reaching out. Today is our anniversaty. I know I put him on a pedestal and he's too stubborn/prideful/scared to contact me first. He told me numerous times that he doesn't deal well with rejection. I still don't want to lose him. What should I do?

Now that I'm in purple I'm learning the gaps and weaknesses in my game plan from fighting players good enough to punish them. Primarily that yoshis DB 3,3,3... and full crouch DF4 are both punishable ON HIT. Never realized how bad those two moves really are. I've started using yoshis standard down 3 as my new go to low poke and way to get into while rising. Samurai cutter is a great unblockable combostarter but it has very short range and is easy to react to. UF2 is a pretty good move to use on people unfamiliar with the match up but it launch punishable. Down 3 is quick, safe, and leads to while rising mix ups which is what I'm really interested in anyway so I'm using that a lot and finding a lot of success with it it just feels a little boring. Does yoshi have any other good go to lows or am I just gonna be using down 3 from now on?

Almost a month ago, my ex and I were trying to work things out. Over a nice lunch date he said he liked the changes he saw in me and said he wished we were back together. Two days later we have an argument. Over that weekend we didn’t speak at all and I took that time to realize I didn’t want him back either. So, before I went to bed that Sunday night, he messaged me two long paragraphs saying he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me ever again and said he understands if I never want to speak to him again. My only response was, “I understand, thank you.”
A week goes by in which neither of us communicate and then he messages me randomly asking me how my vacation was going. I respond politely, but try not to engage. Then he kept asking questions and sent me a selfie. It was like he was trying to resume something as if nothing happened and I’d suddenly just start acting the same way. Nope. I messaged him back and told him very kindly that we’re completely done and I insisted that he never contact me again. I immediately blocked him because I know he’d want to respond.
I blocked him a little over a week ago mostly to prevent him from contacting me and prevent myself from doing the same. Today I unblocked him because I don’t want his phone number stored anywhere on my phone or WhatsApp anymore. I’m not at all tempted to reach out. It feels good to consider this move a final release.
Yes, I do still care about him and have feelings for him and I’m sure I will for a long while. But, we are too awful to each other and there’s no conceivable way we can mend things and I can’t continue this roller coaster of emotional ups and downs with him. It was affecting my mental and physical health. It was affecting him that way too.
So, do you think this was a safe move to make? To unblock him so soon? It’s unlikely he’ll notice he’s unblocked so I don’t risk him contacting me.

Hello everyone, to start everything off I want to start off from the beginning. I [18M] got broken up with by my [18F] C. This happened this Monday and basically what had happened is that me and her work together, she went downstairs and was verbally sexually harassed by someone, I was immature and wanted to deal with the situation, while I had no violent intentions because I still have to keep my job, she pleaded with me not to talk to the man that sexually harassed her, and that hurt me very much because it felt like she was stopping me from defending her honor in a sense, im young and sometimes I can make the wrong decisions, but im also human. She didn't want me talking to the man so badly that she threatened to break up with me if I did so. That made me very upset and I lost control of my emotions while we started arguing, and I raised my voice at her like I have never before, to the point where she cried. I have never yelled at her like that, or anyone for that matter. She saw my true rage. She told me that she was afraid for her life, for my life, for our careers, and it hurts that she told me that she thought I was going to hit her, when we had dated for 11 months and she knew that I would never lay a hand on her, let alone a woman. I understand that as a man that I can be physically stronger than a woman, and I can accidentally hurt a woman if I am not careful with how I am. It genuienly pained me to her say that she thought I was going to hit her, to the point that I had to explain to her why I would never in my life hit a woman for her to believe me. The break up hit me hard for about a day and a half, and I had always told her from the beginning that if we break up, we're broken up, theres no getting back together, I dont talk to my exes, we wont be friends, but that doesnt mean im going to treat her like shit either or be a douchebag just because she left me, im not an asshole. At first when we were first broken up, I was unblocked on messages, and she had been trying to talk to me, she was worried about me and just wanted to make sure that I was safe, but I was cold and harsh and was pushing her away, telling her not to worry about me, since I wasn't her boyfriend anymore. I also want to add that she told me that her mom said me and her cant be together anymore, she is a mommys girl and I dont hold it against her, shes given her everything. Only child and No dad, Mom has been her literal #1 and im sad to say I understand the dying loyalty, it is her mother after all. Continuing on, I was being cold and harsh to the point where she was asking me if I wanted her to continue speaking to me, and that it was truly just my decision, and I simply told her that if there isnt a chance that me and her can work things out, to please block me and leave me alone. She did block me. Fast Forward, I recieve a call from one of my friends, Y [28M]. Y is someone who works with us and was there the second I was broken up with and literally gave me his shoulder to cry on, he got her side of the story and he honestly ripped me a new one (I want to add that Y is 9-10 years older than me, much more mature.) and it really opened my eyes and he gave me honest earnest advice that really helped. and soon after, me and her were speaking again, me asking to talk to her. She wasnt herself on the phone call, she was very still angry with me, she was stoned, crying on the phone, showing true emotions which throws me off later (We'll get to that) and told me that she wanted to drill it into my head that what I did was wrong, and that she wants it to get it through my skull so I dont hurt another girls feelings. Practically insinuating that me and her were never going to get back together. But that Night I had a friend over, Ju. Ju works with us in our direct department, and Wednesday night basically made a joke saying "oooh hot girl summer" and she responded with "No, he would never take me back if I slept with someone else". Insinuating that maybe she does have intentions of attempting to fix this? We don't talk thursday, but come friday I work and she doesnt, she has had me blocked since thursday morning, since she fell asleep on the phone with me during that wednesday night call, and as im working I recieve a call from her, and I genuinely had to look twice at my phone to believe what my eyes were telling me. I soon called her back and asked if she was alright, due to my surprise of recieving this phone call, she told me yes and instantly asked me if I was alright, because someone who works downstairs who was questioned about the whole incident that happened Monday night, where we arguing and it is being investigated by higher ups unfortunately. She seemed almost worried that something had happened to me, which was confusing because she was screaming me over the phone that she hates me and resents me for making her break up with me.
After I explain to her that im alright, I ask if she is going to block me again, she told me yes, and I asked if I could speak to her, which she responded "oh, I thought you dont talk to exes??, I thought you didnt want to talk to me??" in a sarcastic, sassy tone. I admitted to her that I was wrong and that I wanted to talk, in which she tells me that she isnt ready and I respond telling her that she can call me when she is ready, that she'll stay unblocked on my phone. She blocks me again.
Fast forward Friday night, I see one of our mutual friends Ai[21F]. Ai knew about the break up but didnt mention anything since she didnt know how I was feeling about the whole situation, me and her start talking and she basically told me that as soon as C saw her, she instantly told her that me and her broke up, as if she was almost excited to say it, Ai also told me that she seemed mentally checked out of the relationship, and seemed as if she was looking for any reason leave, and she saw her oppurtunity and took it. Ai told me that she didnt even seem phased at the fact that our relationshop had ended and practically seemed her normal self. Ai was kind of like "what the hell??" because you would think after you end a relationship with someone you proclaimed to love, you would show some type of like hurt, some type of pain, but she was normal... in fact everyone that has been seeing her since the break up has been telling me that she has been fine. She also didnt want to tell anyone, and instead let people find out on their own, but apparently started telling people Tuesday morning. When Ai told me that she was mentally checked out and seemed like she was just looking for an excuse, it reminded me of her past, when me and her were originally first talking to eachother, just as normal friends, she told me that she had just recently broken up with her boyfriend of a year, she admitted to me that she was mentally checked out of that relationship 2-3 months before it officially ended. 20 days into meeting, me and C started hooking up, and jumped into the relationship 2 weeks after hooking up. We were both eachothers first. Then when I arrived home I was met with my bestfriend, since he had been staying over and helping me kind of cope with the whole break up, along with his girlfriend, E [21 F] through Facetime, his girlfriend without telling me this, had been watching her story, and apparently she had been posting pictures of herself, of her makeup, of her figure. She never did that during our relationship and E, mentioned that most girls who get out of a pretty serious relationship of 11 months dont go ahead and start posting themselves on social media, they do that if they're trying to get someones attention. That made me think about all the way back in March, back when me and C nearly broke up because I had suspected her of cheating on me, I had asked for C's phone for something and she gave it without problems, but then took her phone back for a slight second, and instantly went to her recently deleted messages, and tried to delete them, and i caught her doing so, and she caught me catching her, and went ahead and walked away into another room, where I followed asking her for her phone, and to give it to me, and she refused, she refused and then when I walked away gave it back after she had deleted any possible evidence tying her to infidelity. Soon after that happened I started becoming more and more distrusting and insecure, to the point where she said she didnt want to be in a relationship with me because I couldn't trust her. She basically told me that she was breaking up with me because I couldnt trust her, that she would never cheat on me, that why would she go ahead and go through all this just to cheat. We ended patching things up with me having to promise that I will never go through her phone again, that I just need to trust her. I never knew what she really was hiding, she told me that she had been planning a surprise for me, she was getting me a gift since me and her had been kind of having a rough patch before that, where apparently I had been being mean since the beginning of this year, which she also told me that she wanted to break up with me the first time. Both her mother and cousin attested to that, saying she spoke to them prior telling them the plans she had for the surprise.
This could be a very far stretch, but could have she been cheating on me or talking to another guy, and when she saw the oppurtunity to leave the first time, tried to take it but my begging and also her mother convincing her not to, and failed to do so, and then started mentally breaking up with me 2-3 months prior to when she actually broke up with me, and then started seeing that guy soon after???
Ai told me that when they went to the gym together, I had called her and when C hung up, said that I talk too much and that I was annoying, which left Ai thinking "Why are you talking about your man like that??? You dont say things like those about someone you love."
She did with the last guy, what tells me she wouldnt do it to me?
I am accepting all and any advice, I would like to know the full truth of the situation and hopefully find out that she was really just a girl who was extremely loyal to me and was wrongfully being accused of cheating and that we can get past this, but I also have to consider the facts of the situation and make a judgement call?
Should I talk to her and ask for total and complete honesty from her, even if she thinks it'll hurt me and trust her word OR should I completely cut off all communication and not speak to her again, try to forget this situation, move on and probably be reminded of that doubt in the future at some point?
TL;DR: My gf broke up with me and a mutual friend told me that she seemed as if she was mentally checked out of the relationship months prior and looked like she was just looking for an opportunity to leave. She has been posting pictures of her figure, herself, and her makeup, which I was told was a seek for attention from someone else, as it comes off unusual to do that after a relationship that you apparently cared about and put your "all" into. I thought I caught her cheating 2-3 months ago and never got any proof if she was or wasnt cheating but gave her the benefit of the doubt after almost getting broken up with due to lack of trust in her. Could she have been cheating all this time, had mentally checked out of the relationship, and moved on as soon as she saw the opportunity to leave the relationship? Should I sit down and talk to her, asking her to tell me the whole truth even if it hurts me, and trust her word when I ask these questions?

Dear *********,
I hope this letter finds you well and that you're doing great. On your birthday, I spent the entire day in the hospital because my mother was admitted. It's safe to say that no day spent in a hospital is ever good. Despite this, I was still happy at the thought of wishing you a happy birthday. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. First, I tried messaging you but found that I was blocked. Then, when I called and you hung up, it was quite devastating.
My mother is doing much better now, but her diet is restricted. Interestingly, you and my mother have a lot in common, except for the fact that both my parents are extroverted, unlike us. My mother recently made a great lasagna, which reminded me of when you mentioned making pizzas. Do you also enjoy baking? I've noticed that people who bake tend to be some of the most caring individuals.
Even though things aren't great between us, I want you to know that I am your well-wisher. If you're feeling lost or low, remember that better days are never too far away. There's something I want to say - if I ever had to choose between 'trying too hard' and 'letting you go', I would always choose to understand you better. Even though we've known each other for four years, I'm always eager to learn more about you - your likes, dislikes, aspirations, and goals. I am not someone who believes in manifestations, but I still hope for a day when you'll be completely open with me. One day, I'll be there to listen to you, making your life better even during the worst times.
On my side, I suppose I'm doing well too. I've made some new decisions lately and can confidently say that I'm at my all-time productivity high right now. I'm trying to learn and experience many new things in life. While I won't say I'm stressed, some days are indeed dull. However, overall, I see myself changing and becoming much more responsible than ever before. But I also want to give you credit; you've made me a better person! I know I made mistakes in the past, and I'm truly sorry. I can't control how you feel about it right now, but I promise to ensure it never happens again. As I've said before, I'm not a bad person; I make mistakes and choose to learn from them. You were an awesome friend, and I lost that person.
Above all, if I were to prioritize something, it would be to clear things up with you. I have a request, though - please unblock me on messaging. I promise to behave and respect the boundaries you set. What happened before won't happen again; that's my word to you.
I wish you and your family good health. Keep smiling, *********; you look pretty doing so.
Yours faithfully,
******.

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Tl;dr- my coworker manipulates me. I'm a giver she takes. How do I unfurl myself from the interactions.?
She (I'll call her "Emily") is in a lower position at work than I, she in a service capacity and I am in a professional office capacity. Emily is AfroAmerican and I am white/asian. I took a liking to Emily from the beginning because she was approachable, bubbly, friendly, and kind. We shared interested in clothing and makeup. Also - humor. With time, I noticed that she seemed to request a lot of things from me either through subtle suggestions to be manipulative. Or, direct requests. Usually the former. I am a giver by nature. With time, I came to realize not only was she a taker but also and this is important, things I was sharing with her do not go undshared. I basically had to glean this from the fact that she tells me things about several of the other people in the office. I was slow to catch on. I realized had likely sharedsomething I had complained about about another service employee. I felt safe in sharing my complaint with her because she had disparaged this fellow employee and also complained about his work. Then like the day after I had shared with her my complaints, I saw her buddying up with him chewing the fat. At this time, I had to take a Stern stock and accounting of my position and realized it could be very dangerous her talking about me to staff. Apparently, she speaks with our second in charge and has told me a great great deal about her personal life and health matters. That's just one example.
So, it is at that time I basically decided to cut her off. A big part of it had to do with the fact that I would share a lot about my you know daily concerns with her on text messaging. She responded to almost none of them. I realize, she has less education than me.. but, she seems to be able to conceptualize and communicate when it's something of importance to her. Ergo, I realized it was pretty much a one-way street. I blocked herself she did something weird and passive aggressive and approached me to see if I would be interested in something and I had to unblock her to make it not an awkward communication moment. And of course, as a result - she realized I had blocked her before that moment. I pretty much haven't really communicated with her except for hello at the office and you know the occasional kind of shared conversation about things that are currently happening at the office that everyone needs to communicate about. But, today - - was different. Perhaps it was my mistake, I cracked open the door again by sending her a text message yesterday because I know she has hip surgery coming up soon and she was gone from work yesterday and I wasn't sure when the surgery was scheduled and I felt badly to not even be in communication at all at a time when she's going to be having major surgery. I guess I kind of feel like, her home life sucks with her husband and son. Her housing life sucks and I've been to her home it's not great. We're just in completely different worlds we come from different class so to speak structures. And I can't see that she's transcended her circumstances from what she came and it's understandable. So she wrote me back and said the surgery wasn't yesterday and said I was a good friend I had offered to help her you know complete her FMLA paperwork if she needed help because she had asked me about it previously and she was really bad at figuring out the details. So, fast forward today she ambushes me, tells me tomorrow is my birthday. I won't have my birthday celebrated by my husband or my son. Her mother I know has passed many years since. She goes on to say how we celebrate office birthdays and no one's ever done that for her and she wishes someone would do it. Then, she goes on to say that she doesn't want a cheesecake or this kind of cake or that kind of cake not a Frozen cake she specifically tells me what kind of goddamn cake she wants. And i, like a moron, fall for it hook line and sinker. I guess, I thought huh well there is truth in what she's saying we don't in include her in celebrations the way we do for a lot of the other staff because she doesn't actually work for our company she works for a service company. Wanting to avoid an awkward situation and wishing to have a peaceful work environment I guess I said I would make sure she got a cake. Thinking to myself, it only cost me a couple bucks for a mix cake and a couple bucks for some frosting. Bada being bad a bang how bad could it be. Then, I think crap what she talking about the way we celebrate the other coworkers? Oh, I realize she means we put streamers and signs balloons whatever on there cubicle. So, I spring into action I get some stuff delivered from the store balloons bowls she had told me she wanted cake and ice cream and she would cry if she didn't get those things. It was just the weirdest effing thing ever. And I just you melted at the idea like oh my God here's someone who doesn't have all these things and she's telling me and I'm feeling bad for her. And, I love doing those things for people. And she knows this. Previously, she tried to get me to have a party this month or next month she she was saying oh gosh we haven't had a party in a while and we should really do something. And I was quick to respond at that time I said great Emily why don't you plan that let me know. This time, I was unprepared and maybe I was vulnerable because I let her in to a little crack in my psyche because I felt a sense of sympathy maybe for her pending medical procedure. All of this is to say, I'm trying to figure out one, how to proceed in the future. Too, what is the psychological dynamic that is going on between she and i. I wish to understand what is it about her and what is it about I that makes this go forward. I'm thinking, mostly, it's because I have a manipulative narcissistic mother. I naturally respond to her manipulations easily because I care for my mother and.. she's my mother! I had realized my sensitivity to the b******* and manipulation and that's kind of why I cut things off with Emily.
So now, I had bought a cake because I was really tired and didn't want to make a cake and I thought hey okay this will be less stressful. Another co-worker, I'll call her ingrid volunteered to help me pay for the cake as she is a sucker like I am to people who need things.
So, how do I get out of this cycle moving forward, should I basically just not talk to this woman anymore except for very Kurt office interactions? Is she worthy of my sympathy? At any level?
She is psycho or she have feelings I mean? There have been times when I have told her a ton about myself and then she completely switches the subject like she didn't hear a single thing I said. Ostensibly, this is narcissistic behavior. She acts passive aggressive towards me. She tries to get me to do things for her I feel like she cracks open the door that's how we became friends in the first place she said she needed help with something and no one else would help her with it and she put in the sympathy statement and voila I ended up at her house helping her install a printer.
I don't know, I feel like such a sucker, and I don't want this behavior to continue but it's really really hard for me to just not interact with someone who has this kind of dynamic. She's she's borderline safe and friendly but then she's borderline scary ass dangerous manipulative gossiping passive aggressive. I'm almost afraid not to do s*** for her like what will she do? I mean she left something on my desk I didn't know who left it but I kind of deduced it was probably her. It was a wall sign you know the chief kind you might get at the dollar store? It's like plastic or ceramic I don't know what but I guess she had to hang on her wall and it shattered. She left on my desk taped together badly with some super glue. Later, she mentions that she had done so and told me I would be doing this for her she didn't really ask she said she knew how much I would like doing that since I loved craft projects.
I do not like fixing s*** for people it's a chore. I do it for the people in my life who I care about that do things for me. I had let it sit on my desk for several days because I was just irritated like, who the f*** do you think I am and why what I want to fix your crap for you? She was rude and passive aggressive with me at the office like wouldn't really greet me. So, that resulted in me taking it and putting in my car so that she would see there was some potential that I might be fixing it. I, have zero interest in fixing it. Also, it's really cheap. Why would anyone want to keep that?
The bigger issue is, of course, her repeated attempts to manipulate me in my sadly susceptibility to these attempts. It's so confusing. On the one hand she seems like such an innocuous person on the other hand she can make me spend a s*** ton of money in a short period of time just by suggesting some things to me. I bought a cake balloons decorations have them delivered all because I thought, "well this is terrible, she can't not have her birthday celebrated she needs to feel fit in and the class ism bothers me we have to try and make everyone feel equal."
Yes it's total bullshit. Yikes help me see reason. Just in writing this, I'm seeing how clear the pattern is: she'll compliment me she'll suck me into conversation, she'll ask for something or subtly suggest something that she needs or wants. Then she demands specifically a greater request than even began originally. I've even wondered if she's just gearing up to scam me in a much bigger way. This could be terrible.
I'm kind of feeling like just irritated about the whole thing to wear, I don't think I want to take the cake in tomorrow. I had bought ice cream bowls spoons you know party supplies. And I just realized, sitting here explaining it to you all: it makes no sense. I'm rewarding her for manipulating me. If I ever expect it to stop, I have to not follow through. With what I have promised or what she has asked me to do.

6 Days since I was sextorted. I don’t know if they’ve given up or are continuing to pursue me but I’ve deactivated all Meta related apps and blocked them anywhere else. What I need to understand is how they work in hopes to protect myself in the future and how to avoid them from finding me. Below is my situation:

1. Matched Hinge, decent back and forth, I asked for socials - didn’t give insta but went to snap
   
2. Snapchat; talked back and forth a little here and there - 4 days later my idiot self made the dumb mistake of sending pics after “she” sent many before
   
3. I was then asked to meet up for a date and “call me let’s setup a date”. At this point I was not suspicious as it seemed genuine to follow-up. They asked for WhatsApp. I don’t have WhatsApp and don’t like it linked to my #. However, I made a google voice # just to be safe and registered with that (all on my phone fyi). I sent a message, tried calling, got disconnected and WhatsApp banned my account instantly.
   
4. This was suspicious and I told “her” that it didn’t go through and that I got banned, so then I got a SMS on my google voice #. And then instantly they sent me all the videos/photos that I had sent recorded on their end and began the sextortion. At this point I was freaking out, I immediately blocked them on Snap and Hinge. Uninstalled WhatsApp. And then I continued getting messages on my Google Voice SMS. I didn’t block them here, I didn’t respond at ALL on any platforms. I just kept it in case I needed proof and SMS is generally not interactive in any way.
   
5. After this, they made an instagram acct with one of my photos and posted some (thank god not all) photos and tagged some ppl from my friends list on instagram. I reported and blocked this acct. They made a second one, I reported and blocked. They made one on Facebook and started commenting on my recent posts as well as messaging ppl on my friends list trying to either befriend or share photos. I blocked the acct but I forgot to report it in the panic (idk if it’s up or not but I unblocked to see if I can get to their profile to report but I couldn’t so maybe gone?)
   
6. I also received a FB messenger notification saying the usual “you want me to stop? Just tell me” etc. I had my Instagram PRIVATE before this. I was dumb enough to have FB public. Since then I updated everything to private, and then deactivated. I’ve occasionally reactivated to check for any notifications/messages. Last time I checked was 3 days ago. No new msgs since the first 2 accounts on instagram and 1 on facebook.
   

Question 1: Massive embarrassment aside, would I be safe to think that they’ll stop pursuing me? I’ve also updated my instagram username. But they did send me screenshots of my friends list. So will they try to find them and still attempt sextortion?
Question 2: HOW the hell did they find my instagram and facebook? Aside from my first name (which is VERY common), the usernames on Snap and Meta apps aren’t even the same?? I never gave my real number, and I didn’t give my address? This is what’s confusing the hell out of me because there is NO way in hell they just “searched” me up because friends I WANT to add me have trouble finding me.
Question 3: Will changing my Instagram username and making FB private be sufficient to not have a repeat incident? Or is it better to remove accounts and restart from scratch?
My heart literally drops when I get unknown callers and crap now, ugh I hate this and I know it’s partially my fault for even sending them but just want to move past it and make the most out of this failure in maintaining privacy moving forward. My main goal is to make sure they can’t come back and restart.
Thank you for all your help and support, this has been very supportive!

This is my first hand account as the youngest of 3 daughters, with a loving, hardworking mom but lazy, narcissistic dad with anger management issues. It's going to be a long story, basically my whole life story, because I feel that sharing some of my experiences growing up, may help bring more context to the situation I'm in today. I'm also a certified banana (non-Chinese speaking Chinese), and do identify as a ABC: American Born Chinese.
Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to go out from my house except for friends' birthday parties, and to go to school (obviously). My dad was a sales manager, and my mom ran a retail shop selling bags up till I was in secondary school, after which she stopped to be a full time housewife. Honestly, I don't even know how she juggled all the responsibilities while I was in primary school, because she did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even took time to dress my sisters and me and help us with homework and studying, and spend time with us on weekends (which I now understand how precious weekends are as a working adult). Basically, my freedom was heavily restricted, and I learnt at a young age how to keep myself entertained and appreciate my own company (which did make me depressed sometimes to be honest, until I learnt to accept, appreciate, and love myself for me when I got much older).
My parents were always yelling when I was home from school, especially at night. I used to try to ignore it by focusing on studying, thinking that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to make a living on my own and things would be better then (yes, I was only in primary school when I thought these things). I recall now that I used to think that no one loved me, that I was so much younger than my sisters (8 years from the oldest, and 6 years from the second) because I was an accident and unwanted. I was a naughty child, used to run around the house and draw on the table legs with color pencils. My mom used to cane me to discipline me when I misbehaved, but I still loved her. Looking back, I realise I honestly have a lot to thank her for - that it does feel like she single-handedly raised me and my sisters.
I was never given any allowance, never bought any new toys or clothes or shoes, because everything I needed would be handed down from my sisters. I would resent this for most of my childhood of course, until I got old enough to understand this was to be frugal. But looking back, it went deeper than that - my mom wasn't really able to spend money without my dad's consent. So everything went through him - and he would never allow us to spend money unless it was really a necessity, or unless it was something HE wanted. And what he was most interested in at the time I was growing up, was tech stuff. TVs, surround sound speakers with subwoofers, iMacs and all. Now this, he would spend money on. But my mom, I don't recall seeing her buy things for herself much to be honest. He did buy us a lot of pirated computer games - but usually he'd try to pick something that was more educational - and I think he only did it because he was buying pirated VCDs anyway.
Side question: How common is it to get your first handphone at 18yo (Nokia, the model you could drop from the roof and still would work), if you were born in the 1990s? I feel like it was definitely earlier than my older sisters, but the reason for this is because I was selected for National Service, and my parents wanted to stay in contact with me so they got me a handphone (which ironically was confiscated at the camp and only returned to you on weekends, and signal at my camp was almost non-existent). I feel like in comparison with many of my friends, I was super late in getting a handphone and had a lot to make up for to catch up in understanding.
Fast-forwarding to secondary school - my dad would usually always be angry about something at home. Maybe he woke up late for work and blamed my mom for it. Maybe I didn't get good enough grades - even if I got 100, he'd somehow always find a way to say that I could have gotten higher (yes I know that sounds stupid but he honestly used to say these things, because I would almost consistently get 100 for English and Maths - yes I am a nerd). Or maybe it would just be the way we answered his questions. He has this pattern where if he asked you a question, and he didn't like your answer, he'd pretend he didn't hear it, and ask you again, almost in the exact same phrasing he did the first time. And he'd do it again. And again. And eventually when you run out of patience and answer him shortly, he'd burst out in anger, with his default phrase: "You don't know how to talk to people.". "You talk nicer to strangers, better than your own father.". For a long time, hearing these words being repeatedly yelled, screamed at you, by a loud, angry, male voice, did two things to me. One, I used to almost believe that I didn't know how to talk to people, that I WAS the problem, and not him. Two, till today, hearing raised male voices still scares and distresses me, I get nervous and really tense - which doesn't help because that's how Hokkien and Hakka sounds to me when people are just saying hello! (yea it doesn't sound like anything to me because I'm a banana).
I recall a time on a weekend, when I had woken up early to watch morning cartoons, and my dad was angry about something - my sister had been busy applying for university, and I think he didn't like that she didn't want to be a medical doctor - she was more interested in math or vet sciences. He had been yelling at her, and then proceeded to walk over to where I was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, stand over in front of me, bend down, and scream at my face saying "get out, get out of this house now!" - I swear I saw spit fly when he yelled at me. I was so afraid, so freaked out, that I later asked my mom if she thought one of the nice aunties from church would take me in if he really kicked me out.
How did I survive all this? I didn't even realise I was doing it, but I would try to spend as much free time as I could with friends - we'd talk on the phone for HOURS after school (mind you this was before we had cordless landline phones, so I would sit at the stairs, with my ear glued to the phone), and when I finally got to Form 6, I'd hang out after school with friends with cars, to malls, to the movies, to lunch, and my mom would sneak me some spare cash from her groceries budget so I could have a good time with friends. I had some really good friends that would sponsor me food/snacks too, whom I'll forever be indebted to, because no matter how cheap it was back then, it was still their allowance they were spending on a friend that couldn't pay them back.
Around this time, my dad lost his job - the management had changed, but if I recall how he was about his job, I don't think he was meeting his work KPIs as a sales manager either to be honest - and he was sacked. He fought it in court, and won money from it. This will become significant later on, but let's move on first.
Fast-forward to my turn to enter university, and I couldn't get in to medicine. I had tried, believe me - thinking that I liked biology enough, and that if I didn't, I could learn to love it - that my dad would love me more and treat me better if I did what he wanted, and go into medicine. But I couldn't make it - no scholarships wouldn't take me with my STPM 3.75 CGPA, not even for dentistry, because the competition was too tough with limited placements. I recall, my dad had opened a Maybank Yippie account under my name, and he applied to earn the rewards the bank offered for getting certain grades from PMR, SPM and STPM. When we got it, it went promptly into his own bank account under the justification that I didn't have my own bank account and he'd keep it for me until I did. Bro, you were controlling my Yippie account, and you had to close it once I finished STPM. You could have just opened an account immediately after that for me, but you didn't. That makes no sense, but ok, take it if that makes you happy.
I recall when I was applying to university through the UPU platform, I asked him for his advice, and he yelled at me to figure it out on my own. I wasn't sure what I could do honestly, because the whole time in secondary school, I only knew that he wanted me to go into medicine - I had no other frame of reference. My mom asked around among the neighbors, and found out that engineering was also a good field, and I did enjoy physics a lot more than biology, so I went into that. And my dad? Never did he once check on me - on what I was applying for, about school fees, nothing. My mom suggested I apply for PTPTN, that if I graduated with first class honors, I could convert it into a full scholarship, so I did that after exhausting all the other available scholarship options.
I think it was only in 2nd year of university that he found out I took Biomedical Engineering, and then he took an interest because there was some correlation to medicine - more on rehab science, but hey, I was taking classes in the attached hospital, so he was interested. Then he started to "show off" to relatives whenever they asked about it during CNY gatherings.
Anyway I think I've completely lost focus, so I'm gonna fast-forward. Today, I'm working a stable full-time job at a company I love working at - the people here are great and so supportive, and most of my social circle is from here today, with the exception of some close school friends I still keep in contact with.
Full lockdown in MCO was super tough for me. Being at home with my dad's constant yelling and anger issues, I seriously considered many times once lockdown was lifted, about moving out. I mentioned it to my mom, but she would always advise me not to, that it was too much financial strain on me and it wasn't safe to live by myself (you know, single girl, alone). Eventually, I realised, with lockdown lifted, I could escape our home, by going to the office. So I did. And I realised, that my mom was the more pitiful one because she couldn't escape as a full time housewife because my dad would restrict her freedom too - both inside and outside of the house. And for some reason, she accepted it. She clearly wasn't happy about it, but whenever I'd complain about my issues at home with her, her advice would be to not let it affect me and go out when I could. Honestly, I always wanted to ask her why she didn't just divorce my dad, but I was always too afraid to ask. So I let it be.
There were times when work was stressful, and because I had made work my escape from home, it was a toxic cycle for me, so much so that I had a few mental breakdowns at work, and did consider ending my life. But I got through it eventually after seeking counseling and talking to friends about my issues.
Have I mentioned my dad is a hoarder? He still has old VCRs of shows recorded from laser discs and satellite TV which we haven't touched in 20+ years, and probably will never use again. He still has an old Amiga computer in the storeroom that he never intends to set up, and also doesn't intend to sell - he just doesn't want to throw it away. Old pill boxes, old batteries - he insists to keep because he thinks he'll either need them again, or be able to use them somehow. Basically, the old house is so full of his junk that he's collected since I was young, that there's no space for the rest of us to really live. We're just, guests in his house, that have beds, places to put our clothes, and have to cook, clean, grocery shop, and pay for all the utilities, his car insurance, medical insurance, house insurance, and also give him an allowance. He complains about our cleaning too, even though he wouldn't ever clean himself. I found out from my sisters recently that he actually did complain about us not paying rent some time back, and this was AFTER they were already giving him a generous allowance every month (I had only just finished uni or started working? so they didn't tell me this). And he would continue to complain about this even after we started to pay for utilities and groceries. So eventually, they stopped giving him an allowance.
Another incident I want to share is about the family car. So we used to have a really old Proton Wira that we used as the family car since I was in primary school. About 20 years later, we still used it and it was the only available car I could take to drive to work. It wasn't very well maintained, but it got you from A to B, so for my first car, I wasn't complaining. Until, the gearbox started to have problems. I would send it to service many times, change the gearbox many times, and still, the gears would slip while driving - could be on a flat road while accelerating, and what especially worried me was when I was going up ramps or slopes, like when exiting basement parking, I had to have my hand on the handbrake at all times incase I started to fall backwards because I wasn't sure I could switch from accelerator to brake pedal quick enough. I told my dad about it every time, but he would just tell me off, saying I wasn't driving properly, and that there was nothing wrong with the car. I endured it for a couple years, until finally one day, I realised just how dangerous it was when I was leaving the parking with cars behind me, and I DID have to use pull the handbrake. So one day, I had enough, and I bought myself my own car with my own money. And guess what? When I went back home with it, what did my dad do? He yelled at me. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, he was 15. And then he yelled at my cousin who helped me to buy the car. He wasn't upset that I had gotten one without his consent, or that maybe I hadn't gotten the best deal on the car, no nothing like that. He was only upset, because I had spent my own money on myself, and that he insisted the old family car was perfectly fine. Well guess what? Eventually, he gave up on the car too, and asked *cough*forced*cough my cousin to buy it off from him, and apparently en route to the shop on the highway, the car broke down and had to be towed. And my dad never said a THING about it, ever. Makes me so mad just thinking about how selfish and irresponsible he was being, and how lucky I was that I had decided to get a car on my own. He was only curious about one thing - he asked me if I had gotten a bank loan for the car. I told him I borrowed money from my boss - when actually I had gotten a loan from my sister.
We're getting closer to present day, bear with me.
Last month, my house was being painted, with some other fixes being done like changing the roof gutters and house gate which were severely rusted over the 30+ years we lived in the house, never having been maintained ever since we moved in. It was actually my oldest sister's idea, being the "bread-winner" ever since my dad entered "forced retirement". She felt like it was a nice gesture and she had saved money to do it. She let my dad to pick the contractor so he'd be satisfied with the quality of the work, and that's when all hell broke loose.
From the day we agreed to the quotation (which was a really hefty sum), my dad wasn't happy about anything. He was always criticising the price, the quality of the materials, the workmanship of the painter and workmen, and even nitpicked that the contractor had "daddy issues". Funnily enough, it's my dad that has "daddy issues" himself because he likes to play the victim card after all these years saying that his father abandoning his family when he was young screwed him up. I'm sorry he went through that, but seriously, you're doing well now, and you're 66 fucking years old, could you grow up? Sorry, I digress. Honestly, my dad would just find ANYTHING to complain about, and he'd be angry and loud about it. Worse one I think was when he kept having the idea that the contractor should throw in some freebies for him, like hey, could you also paint this window for me, or fix this door for me, for free. Like as if materials are free and workmanship doesn't cost time and effort? I swear it's almost as if he's never worked a hard day's work in his life... Which I find contradicting considering how stingy he is with money...
The painting and house fixes took around 3 weeks in total - including power washing all the old paint off the walls, putting a few coats of primer, painting, and all the metal work. Also considering this was during puasa which was tough for the workers, and the weather was blistering hot in the afternoon and then heavy rain in the evenings. Through the whole thing, my sisters and I were busy at work, so who was left to manage at home were my parents. Or rather I should say, my mom. Because all my dad did, from day 1, is yell at the contractor. Saying he's not doing a good job, that he's so calculative because he wouldn't throw in some freebies like painting the window when we didn't ask for it in the quotation, or changing the color when he didn't like it, etc etc. Lies, they were all lies. The contractor knew exactly what he was doing, and it was really good work. We were all really happy with it. So my mom had to be peacemaker, try to calm down my dad, and apologize to the contractor on the side. Which is exhausting, because my dad was literally yelling in his face all the time! And he would eventually take it out on my mom because obviously it was no secret she was defending the contractor. I'm honestly super shocked he would act this way to a stranger. All my life he's always been so careful to only show his nasty side to us at home, and be charming outside to strangers. I guess being the "customer" went to his head?
All this took a really heavy toll on my mom. She's 64yo, and it was stressing her out so much to have my dad throwing his temper around all the time. If he didn't get his way with the contractor, he'd take it out on her. When I was home on weekends or before going to work in the mornings, she'd tell me how things were going, and they were just getting from bad to worse. She was getting more and more frail, more tired, losing her appetite, and not being able to sleep too.
Around 1-2 weeks in, realising things were getting way way out of control (who am I kidding, when was anything in my life with my dad ever in control? lol) - more importantly, my mom was suffering horribly from it - I reminded her that I considered a few times before about moving out. And that in the end, I decided not to only because she advised me not to. That I could escape to my office, but she couldn't, and that with my working hours and escapism, I hardly spent any time at home except to sleep (sometimes even choosing to shower at the office). So what was the point if she wasn't going to move out with me? So I stayed. But I told her this time, forget about financial worries, about anything else - and consider if she needs to get out of this situation. It's not worth being stuck in this at the cost of her own mental well being. I told her all this, to know these are options she could consider for herself, and left it at that. A couple days later, I went for an overseas trip with friends, and honestly, didn't think much of it.
A week later, I came back, and things felt the same. The painting was done, the gate was being installed, and the end of the hell seemed to be really close, like 1-2 days before everything would be completed. Another week later, I'm having lunch with my sisters and mom at home (dad not there because he had the habit of sleeping till 2pm ever since he "retired"). And I did NOT expect them to tell me they had all decided to move out, to leave my dad.
I was surprised, happy (like really happy), and also confused. So they explained that the turning point had come during the week that I was away, my dad's temper had gotten so bad, that he had almost hit my mom when he was yelling at her and the contractor outside the house. Luckily the contractor stepped in to stop him, and he snapped out of it, but it was enough to make my mom realise that after all these years, he is really never going to change, and that he could one day hurt her when no one else was around. Apparently, there were times before that she had mentioned his attitude & anger problems to him and threatened to leave him, and he promised to change, but then he would quickly forget it and go back to his usual ways. And other times, when he couldn't get the response he wanted from her, he would take it out on my sisters and I by yelling at us. She would always tell me when I was growing up that people don't change unless they want to, and don't ever get into a relationship with a guy thinking I can fix or change him. Funny that she would give me that advice, but herself still be hoping for my dad to change.
So, after telling them I fully supported the idea (basically I said I had been waiting a long time for them to decide to move out lols), we started looking for places to rent. And this is where I really have to thank God, because everything just fell into place. I mean there were some hiccups along the way, but within 2 weeks we managed to find a great place to move to within our rental budget with an awesome landlord. Then my dad announced he was going on an overseas trip around the time we would get the keys to move in. Honestly, we had considered trying to pack everything while he was sleeping and moving it under his nose, or considering the possibility of asking the police for help to move out in case my dad tried to stop us physically. But none of that had to happen, because he went for a trip, and we had basically a week to pack and move out. And with the help of many friends, we did it. We moved out, for the first time after 30+ years (40 for my mom).
Living apart from my dad, able to control our own lives and living space... We have never been happier as a family. I don't have my own room, I still share with my sister, but it honestly doesn't matter, because we can wake up every morning without worrying about the next temper tantrum or yelling match, or accidentally upsetting my dad about anything. It's so peaceful, and I look forward to going home after work now, rather than staying longer at the office. I no longer have to live under constant threat of being blamed from something wrong in the house. Yes, this is also something my dad does a lot, blame all of us for things getting spoiled in the house, even if it's obviously from wear and tear over the years. Like, the air-conditioner leaking, he would say was because we were folding clothes in the room which created a lot of fluff and clogged up air vents causing it to leak. Or, a power bank not working so well anymore, according to him was because I used it wrongly, and not because the charge just doesn't hold so well after degrading over the years.
The simplest things - being able to have a desk to work at when I want to work from home or play computer games, and having a cabinet in the kitchen to put my coffee gear instead of having to always wash, dry, and pack them up into paper bags. Or something even simpler - being able to accidentally leave a light on in a room and not be scolded for it like I had just killed someone... These are joys I get to experience now because we no longer live under the control of my dad.
Now, it's been 2 weeks since my dad returned from his trip to find an empty house (we only took our stuff, his stuff is still all there), and a letter explaining we had moved out because we couldn't stand to stay there anymore, and not to contact us because we need our space. He tried calling us but frankly, I think we were all either afraid to pick up just to be yelled at, or just not willing to be subjected to his manipulation anymore after experiencing peace of mind without him, so none of us picked up. He tried texting the family group then, and it surprised me he didn't act angry, but rather said he was shocked and expected to be able to live the rest of his life with us, that we would take care of him in his old age, that we should have pity on him because he's not young and came back unwell from his trip, that he had to sleep on the floor at the airport in Dubai. He said he wanted another chance to improve on his 'flaws', saying he loves us and would never do anything to hurt us, asking my mom to come back, that he knows he made a lot of mistakes, but that he's always lived his life for the benefit of us. Then, he asks us to continue paying for the utilities. Followed by saying "he knows we don't talk about it, but he never recovered from the suffering he endured at church" - which is total bullshit by the way, because he never suffered at church... what happens is what he always does - he alienates people or doesn't like it when people do things differently from him, and is super sensitive when people don't compliment or praise him for his works. So what he does eventually, is he leaves that church, and then finds another one. Anyway, he then continues in his messages with even more sappy words like he misses us, he's so lost without us, when he wakes up he's so full of fear, that that's why he's so unhappy and angry all the time, he needs us, that he's never had to be independent all his life, he's not eating well, not sleeping well, don't block him, please just let him meet us one more time, just let him hear our voices, just to say hello... OMG I wanna puke just reading all this... So much of it is so cringe, like he's NEVER spoken like that to us ever, and in the middle of it asks for money? And for the past, I don't know, 15 years at least, he's either always yelling at us that we don't know how to talk to people properly, or that we shouldn't talk to him. And now, he says he misses our voices? GAG.
Then this week... he pays me a visit to my office. Shows up at lunch time, and asks to see me. It was a really big shock to see him just standing there, smiling at me like as if I should be happy to see him? Honestly, I did expect it to happen, because my office is the nearest to his house, and probably the easiest to get to compared to my sisters' workplaces. But still, thinking it and seeing it were two different things, and I was just praying that he wouldn't be desperate enough to really do it and that I was just being paranoid. So seeing him in my office, I was instantly on edge, thinking he was going to make a scene at my office, and asked some colleagues to help keep an eye out for me while I went to talk to him. And he basically repeated the same things he's been sending in text to me. He started crying, and trying to show me how frail he was because he wasn't eating well, said he hoped I could take him out for a meal, saying he's only been eating all the leftovers - which honestly, is kind of suspicious because we didn't have that many leftovers to begin with, and we had purposely restocked the house with bread, biscuits, tuna which we knew he knew how to eat on his own - so maybe he was referring to that... Said he was worried about his finances, that his eyesight wasn't good, his knees weren't good, how was he going to clean the house on his own. Then he tries to change the topic for some reason, by saying he was surprised he was allowed into the office building and that the guard had given him some package to bring up as well when he said he was coming to my floor... It was weird and creepy and gave me a really unsettled, disturbed feeling throughout the whole experience. I was so tense and nervous that I couldn't bear to talk to him without crossing my arms in front of me the whole time. And I kept explaining to him, that there was no point in him trying to justify and explain himself to me - that it all just sounded like excuses to me, that 30 years of doing the same damn thing over and over to us was enough and that we were never ever going back to his house, whether it was to visit or moving back in - none of that was going to happen. But with his constant crying and pleading, I did start to feel really sorry for him.
I mean, even in the week when we were moving out, I felt guilty about it, knowing he wasn't going to be happy and was going to have a hard time once we left him. But the alternative was to do nothing about our situation, which wasn't a viable option either. Continuing to live with him was basically just saying, this is it, this is our lives, we're going to die with this being the extent of our lives. And I was NOT going to let that happen. My mom did NOT deserve to die in that house with that tyrant controlling every aspect of her life, sucking the joy and energy from her like a leech, like a freaking Dementor from Harry Potter. But anyway, yea, his pleading got to me, I did pity him and felt sorry for him, so I told him, please leave, I'll unblock him on my phone so he can call and message me, but I won't promise anything else except to pass on what he has said to my sisters and mom. He kept saying please, he can't wait too long, please just come to the house to talk to him, he needs us, etc. Took me a few times to convince him he's not going to get anything else out of me and eventually he left.
I was so on edge after that, I realised my hands were cold and shaking, and I didn't have much appetite for lunch by then. Thankfully I have many caring and supportive colleague who knew about the situation and they helped talk to me about it and it calmed me down. I talked to my sisters and mom that night after work, and they shared with me some of their experiences that I wasn't aware of from when I was a baby or when I wasn't at home. Which made me realise... he may have been trying to manipulate me earlier. Apparently, he has on several occasions, told my mom he regretted marrying her, that he would have been better off letting his mom to find him a wife instead. He had told my sister (the middle child) that he regretted having us as children. Told her to get out of the house too. And always told us that he had lots of money, that money was no object, whenever we told him we didn't want to spend on something he was asking for because we couldn't afford it. Which is conflicting isn't it, because if YOU have the money, then why not buy it yourself instead of trying to convince us to buy it for you? My sister had also asked him before why he was so angry, why he was yelling, and he would respond that he wasn't angry and that he was just like that, and he wouldn't change. I think the one story that really hit me though, was when my oldest sister said, she remembered when she was younger, maybe around kindergarten or primary school - she was holding me as a baby, and I was crying, and she was trying to comfort me. And my dad was playing really loud music at the time, and mom was busy with house chores, and she said she just remembered feeling like something wasn't right, and thinking why was it like this. It hit me then... that this had been going on for YEARS, like from before I was born, probably from the moment my mom had married him, and everything he had been saying were lies. Maybe he meant some of it, because he knew now that we weren't afraid to leave, that we could and would and did leave, that for that he was probably sorry for yelling at us. That all his threats to tell us to get out, while he probably thought would give him control over us at the time, had eventually now come back to bite him in the ass now that we were older and didn't depend on him anymore.
So, today, at this moment, I am sitting at my new desk, in my nice new home, writing this out because, my logical brain KNOWS that we have done the right thing. That my dad, the whole situation with him and how he treats the people around him, his entire behavior, is a classic red flag, textbook case. But despite knowing this, in my heart, in my emotional brain, I feel bad about it. Not enough to want to reach out to him and respond to his requests. But enough that I feel guilt when I'm happy about our new life, like I shouldn't feel this great when he's feeling bad. That my happiness now has come as his expense now. And yes, although I have been angry at him enough to wish him dead many many times over in the past, I think my compassion somehow makes me feel like it's not right to inflict suffering on others for my own sake. But logically, am I really "inflicting" suffering on him? Is it my fault he doesn't know how to be happy with his own life? Just because I was born as his child, doesn't mean I owe him anything, that I'm responsible to make him feel good, does it? Yes, I'm Asian, and Christian, and both of these teach us to respect our elders and take care of our parents. But it can't be at the expense of my own happiness and emotional well-being.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a relationship with someone. I'm 31 years old this year, and I have never been in a romantic relationship. I've had crushes, gone out a couple times for movies or meals, but it's never gone beyond just being casual acquaintances or friends. And I have zero interest in putting myself out there on online dating platforms, or going out to meet new people for the purpose of finding someone. I don't know if it's because of my experience with my dad, that deep down I'm so traumatised that I don't even want to consider putting myself in a situation that could become how it was with my mom and dad. I've seen other people have healthy marriages with loving family bonds, where the father is useful, caring, stable, dependable, and supportive. But I think I'm really afraid that I'm that person that attracts the wrong sort, you know? There's a saying right? That you marry men who are like our fathers? Yes, good relationships exist, but they're what other people get, and since I'm not a good judge of character and easily gullible, it can't possibly happen for me. And while thinking that does make me sad, I also know that maybe it's just better to stay single, so that I'll never be hurt again. Like, the risk isn't worth the potential reward.
Anyway, I hope someone does read this in the entirety, and lets me know what they think about the whole situation that is my life, and also especially my current situation. If there's any advice you could share with me, do you think I'm being too harsh? I do get triggered by my message tones, call tones, and even the office door bell these days, because every time, I'm just reminded that my dad is trying to plead with us to come back, and I'm just so tired of his manipulation and gaslighting and general emotional abuse. And I feel like this is probably more common than I think, and if you can relate to this while you're reading it, I hope you find the courage get out of the bad situation you're in and find your happiness too. If you're in a similar situation, although I have guilty feelings about it, I know it's important to take care of your own well-being, and I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone.