For about 2 years I have done nothing. I have been unemployed and have had an income through government supports which i no longer have and have lost my house my cats and my girlfriend. In December I stopped taking my medications because I was sure they were causing my issues. It seems like all my issues sky rocketed once I took risperidone for a few months. I feel like I have no personality, no thoughts, no feelings, except rage and distress. My life feels like a constant state of being in agony in my mind. I read and read and read and all I come to find is that apathy is permanent and you can't get rid of it. If this is the case why should I keep on living. What life is this? I can't do anything because I don't know what to do or rather I think why do anything. If my existence as a human is lacking the part what makes it a human experience then why do I exist. My whole life ive been babied. Mother paying my bills when I cant and making appointments for me and what not.
Ive spent so much time on NPD or ASPD or schizoid or AvPD that I'm convinced I have some sort of cluster b personality disorder and all I can think of is why would I even try to live my life when I am nothing more than a walking pathology and don't really have a personality just a brain that works off IF statements like a line of code.
People get to experience life without having to second guess themselves all the time but that's the only thing I can do, to the point where i simply don't do anything because I'm not really doing anything I'm just acting.
I cold turkeryed lamotragine, sertraline and this other medications for sleep, I can't even remember what I was on and now I feel like I have brain damage. I can't think I can't enjoy anything I cant feel love for anyone, but I also wonder if I ever did. And it's debilitating, I constantly wonder If I ever was someone with a "soul" or if I have always been just a robot with a reactionary function to the world. If this person says this then say this back. Everything seems so fake and unreal and I honestly think I have a block in-between my brain and reality.
When I got evicted I moved into my friends parents place where he stays and now I'm stuck and can't stand it anymore. Was he even my friend though or just someone who also partied alot. I don't want to be around people I don't want to have to explain to these Christians that I can't just go to church and be cured and that my depression is a choice. For the past 2 years I've been stuck in some purgatory state and it doesn't make any sense how any living being could even feel this way. It's literally hell on earth.
I cant move out because I don't have an income and I can't get an income because in all honesty If I had a job I would quit after a week. 1 year ago I almost had a job and I did an interview and the first day of work on the way there I turned around went home and blocked all the phone numbers associated with it.
I cant get supports because by the time I'm half way through the process I realize nothing matters reality isn't real my thoughts are fake I'm a psychopath anyway so why would I bother. I applied in December and didn't follow up and just did it again. 2 weeks ago.
When I graduated in 2019 I was drinking every weekend and in 2021 started trying drugs with my best friend, we did mushrooms and acid a couple times and a few times molly on the weekends. I've been drinking since grade 9, not every weekend but any chance I could, every party, every family event and holiday. Around 2020 I became a pothead and I would smoke insane amounts of weed, some days I smoked 3.5 grams a day some days I smoked 7 grams a day but more or less from 2020 to 2023 I would smoke non stop with no breaks unless around peopoe who disaproved, waking up in the night to smoke ,sometimes twice. I also took shrooms every like 3 months for a year or so and would be able to say that I've done them 3 times a year atleast from 2020 to 2023. All while being on these meds that I have been convince are neurotoxic and designed to give you brain damage. Oh and I've tried cocaine 3 times in the last year aswell. Never did much of it tho.
So I've lost all hope in living a life that is human. I feel void of myself I don't know who I am, I constantly feel like I'm pretending and acting to be human and can't connect with anyone and they would never know I feel this way.
The past 2 years I have don't nothing but sit at home with my blinds closed and hope no one is going to knock on my door as I sit for I hours a day staring at my phone googling and resding reddit and coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of psychosis or skitzophrenia or paranoia. My friends will call and I'll watch it ring until it stops and won't reply to my family. Because whats the point in trying to be human when I am no longer a human thanks to the cognitive issues I have to face.
And there's no hope online. You have anhedonia? It's the same everywhere I look, people replying to other people's posts or articles with "same here been 20 years now." So what's the point. How am I to know if it's depression or ASPD or NPD or Permanent Apathy from being chronically staring at my phone since I was 14 and watching gore and porn since I was that age. There's no knowing, there's no certainty in my own cognition or personality, not that i have one anymore. It's like do I have this cluster b? Who knows because if I did I wouldn't let a therapist know because I'm scared I do so I don't touch on it. Everything is a loop and a pardox of mental illnesses. I should have never read anything and I could have just been like "yup I'm depressed" now I have to worry if I should even try.
I moved to this place I'm in in december and just threw all my belongings in a room and I walked over everything until a couple weeks ago I threw out thousands of dollars worth of stuff because it's in the way and I dont have my own place anymore so things don't have a designated place. Threw out my computer, my tv, my model cars and all the model building supplies I had, airbrushes compressors hundreds of paints and brushes and clamps and just so much shit because those are people things let alone the human aspect of putting them somewhere.
Now I have cloths and a phone so running away will be easier. But where to go? Food costs money, I'm just tired of not feeling like a human and realizing everything I owned was just part of the act anyway. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. It's all that goes through my head all day long even if I did I wouldn't know it because I'm too far gone and it would be second guessed. I've now hyperfocused on the fact that laying down and staring at my phone for 2 years straight has, if not amplified, solidified my brain damage beyond repair. Because I feel nothing all day I just stare at my phone. But I can't do that anymore because now I'm expected to be a human in this household that I no longer want to be in. I'm completely isolated and I prefer that but I don't but I do but I don't but I do. It's like I want to be able to have friends and connect with someone but that's impossible because I'm just some empty emotionless husk with pure apathy and so I don't know what to do anymore.
I could get back on meds but isn't that the cause of this. The chemical lobotomy at its finest, causing you to need more of itself.
I dont see any hope anywhere because I want to be someone who has emotions but I have none and I want to be someone who has a human experience but I am not one. What do I do? Suicide? No there's ways to cope. I don't want to cope. What the fuck? You think coping with hell on earth is better than dieing? Why would I cope when all I have then is to look around at the world going "oh look that person feels this, thats something I can't do" because that's all that goes in inside.
I just say what I think someone is expecting to hear and then I think we'll isn't that what everyone is doing? Their all saying the same shit anyway but then I think we'll no they say what they say because they feel a certain way. Something I can't do, feel. Because im a sociopath. Being out if this household could help I'm sure but that's not even fathomable. Even with supports at max I can't afford a ppace of my own. I'd have to rent a room with a stranger, but it's funny because even those who aren't strangers are strangers now.
I shower once a week because why would I shower that's a human thing. I am not human anymore. I am void of humanity.
23 and dead. Who would have thought.
No one understands any of this so I just say I'm depressed and they think i shoukd try therapy and meds. Whats that going to do? Give my sociopathic brain the ability to not be a sociopath? If only they knew what distress and pain I feel every second of every day.
Ontop of all that even I was able to come back to myself it's just constant ocd of where should I place this and when or what or where should I do and what's the most optimized way to do this or that and why is that there instead of here and how do I know if here or there is better.
So now I guess I'll go back on ssris, and go back to thinking I'm poisoning myself and then repeat this cycle until death.
I'm just gonna run away and start stealing to eat because nothing matters anyway

For about 2 years I have done nothing. I have been unemployed and have had an income through government supports which i no longer have and have lost my house my cats and my girlfriend. In December I stopped taking my medications because I was sure they were causing my issues. It seems like all my issues sky rocketed once I took risperidone for a few months. I feel like I have no personality, no thoughts, no feelings, except rage and distress. My life feels like a constant state of being in agony in my mind. I read and read and read and all I come to find is that apathy is permanent and you can't get rid of it. If this is the case why should I keep on living. What life is this? I can't do anything because I don't know what to do or rather I think why do anything. If my existence as a human is lacking the part what makes it a human experience then why do I exist. My whole life ive been babied. Mother paying my bills when I cant and making appointments for me and what not.
Ive spent so much time on NPD or ASPD or schizoid or AvPD that I'm convinced I have some sort of cluster b personality disorder and all I can think of is why would I even try to live my life when I am nothing more than a walking pathology and don't really have a personality just a brain that works off IF statements like a line of code.
People get to experience life without having to second guess themselves all the time but that's the only thing I can do, to the point where i simply don't do anything because I'm not really doing anything I'm just acting.
I cold turkeryed lamotragine, sertraline and this other medications for sleep, I can't even remember what I was on and now I feel like I have brain damage. I can't think I can't enjoy anything I cant feel love for anyone, but I also wonder if I ever did. And it's debilitating, I constantly wonder If I ever was someone with a "soul" or if I have always been just a robot with a reactionary function to the world. If this person says this then say this back. Everything seems so fake and unreal and I honestly think I have a block in-between my brain and reality.
When I got evicted I moved into my friends parents place where he stays and now I'm stuck and can't stand it anymore. Was he even my friend though or just someone who also partied alot. I don't want to be around people I don't want to have to explain to these Christians that I can't just go to church and be cured and that my depression is a choice. For the past 2 years I've been stuck in some purgatory state and it doesn't make any sense how any living being could even feel this way. It's literally hell on earth.
I cant move out because I don't have an income and I can't get an income because in all honesty If I had a job I would quit after a week. 1 year ago I almost had a job and I did an interview and the first day of work on the way there I turned around went home and blocked all the phone numbers associated with it.
I cant get supports because by the time I'm half way through the process I realize nothing matters reality isn't real my thoughts are fake I'm a psychopath anyway so why would I bother. I applied in December and didn't follow up and just did it again. 2 weeks ago.
When I graduated in 2019 I was drinking every weekend and in 2021 started trying drugs with my best friend, we did mushrooms and acid a couple times and a few times molly on the weekends. I've been drinking since grade 9, not every weekend but any chance I could, every party, every family event and holiday. Around 2020 I became a pothead and I would smoke insane amounts of weed, some days I smoked 3.5 grams a day some days I smoked 7 grams a day but more or less from 2020 to 2023 I would smoke non stop with no breaks unless around peopoe who disaproved, waking up in the night to smoke ,sometimes twice. I also took shrooms every like 3 months for a year or so and would be able to say that I've done them 3 times a year atleast from 2020 to 2023. All while being on these meds that I have been convince are neurotoxic and designed to give you brain damage. Oh and I've tried cocaine 3 times in the last year aswell. Never did much of it tho.
So I've lost all hope in living a life that is human. I feel void of myself I don't know who I am, I constantly feel like I'm pretending and acting to be human and can't connect with anyone and they would never know I feel this way.
The past 2 years I have don't nothing but sit at home with my blinds closed and hope no one is going to knock on my door as I sit for I hours a day staring at my phone googling and resding reddit and coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of psychosis or skitzophrenia or paranoia. My friends will call and I'll watch it ring until it stops and won't reply to my family. Because whats the point in trying to be human when I am no longer a human thanks to the cognitive issues I have to face.
And there's no hope online. You have anhedonia? It's the same everywhere I look, people replying to other people's posts or articles with "same here been 20 years now." So what's the point. How am I to know if it's depression or ASPD or NPD or Permanent Apathy from being chronically staring at my phone since I was 14 and watching gore and porn since I was that age. There's no knowing, there's no certainty in my own cognition or personality, not that i have one anymore. It's like do I have this cluster b? Who knows because if I did I wouldn't let a therapist know because I'm scared I do so I don't touch on it. Everything is a loop and a pardox of mental illnesses. I should have never read anything and I could have just been like "yup I'm depressed" now I have to worry if I should even try.
I moved to this place I'm in in december and just threw all my belongings in a room and I walked over everything until a couple weeks ago I threw out thousands of dollars worth of stuff because it's in the way and I dont have my own place anymore so things don't have a designated place. Threw out my computer, my tv, my model cars and all the model building supplies I had, airbrushes compressors hundreds of paints and brushes and clamps and just so much shit because those are people things let alone the human aspect of putting them somewhere.
Now I have cloths and a phone so running away will be easier. But where to go? Food costs money, I'm just tired of not feeling like a human and realizing everything I owned was just part of the act anyway. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. It's all that goes through my head all day long even if I did I wouldn't know it because I'm too far gone and it would be second guessed. I've now hyperfocused on the fact that laying down and staring at my phone for 2 years straight has, if not amplified, solidified my brain damage beyond repair. Because I feel nothing all day I just stare at my phone. But I can't do that anymore because now I'm expected to be a human in this household that I no longer want to be in. I'm completely isolated and I prefer that but I don't but I do but I don't but I do. It's like I want to be able to have friends and connect with someone but that's impossible because I'm just some empty emotionless husk with pure apathy and so I don't know what to do anymore.
I could get back on meds but isn't that the cause of this. The chemical lobotomy at its finest, causing you to need more of itself.
I dont see any hope anywhere because I want to be someone who has emotions but I have none and I want to be someone who has a human experience but I am not one. What do I do? Suicide? No there's ways to cope. I don't want to cope. What the fuck? You think coping with hell on earth is better than dieing? Why would I cope when all I have then is to look around at the world going "oh look that person feels this, thats something I can't do" because that's all that goes in inside.
I just say what I think someone is expecting to hear and then I think we'll isn't that what everyone is doing? Their all saying the same shit anyway but then I think we'll no they say what they say because they feel a certain way. Something I can't do, feel. Because im a sociopath. Being out if this household could help I'm sure but that's not even fathomable. Even with supports at max I can't afford a ppace of my own. I'd have to rent a room with a stranger, but it's funny because even those who aren't strangers are strangers now.
I shower once a week because why would I shower that's a human thing. I am not human anymore. I am void of humanity.
23 and dead. Who would have thought.
No one understands any of this so I just say I'm depressed and they think i shoukd try therapy and meds. Whats that going to do? Give my sociopathic brain the ability to not be a sociopath? If only they knew what distress and pain I feel every second of every day.
Ontop of all that even I was able to come back to myself it's just constant ocd of where should I place this and when or what or where should I do and what's the most optimized way to do this or that and why is that there instead of here and how do I know if here or there is better.
So now I guess I'll go back on ssris, and go back to thinking I'm poisoning myself and then repeat this cycle until death.
I'm just gonna run away and start stealing to eat because nothing matters anyway

Just trying to get as many opinions as possible bc the people in my life keep giving me mixed viewpoints.
One of my (18F) best friends (18M) is a guy we can call Kevin. Kevin was seriously one of my closest friends, someone who could give me brutal truth and honesty, great advice, reciprocate my sense of humour and talk about any topic to.
Kevin and I first met in grade 8 where he was the new kid at my old school and I was one of his first friends. Kevin and I lived in the same area, which is a trek to my old school, and was one of the only kids my age I knew in that area, so we became fast friends and close. Kevin, at one point in year 9 (ages ago), had a crush on me, but I rejected him bc I knew our friendship was better than that, and nothing of that nature has come up since.
In late year 10, Kevin got a girlfriend, Alanna (now 18F). I’ve moved schools and Kevin is one of the only people I’m still in contact with, and now my only friend who lives in my area, so we continue our friendship meeting up every month or so for a run, coffee and gossip about our old school. Alanna never comes up in convo except when I ask how she is, and he says good, what she’s been up to, end of discussion.
Flash forward to present day, Kevin broke up with Alanna 2 weeks ago bc of undisclosed reasons (I never asked). Kevin is permanently leaving for the Air Force soon so he came up to Canberra so we could meet one last time, so we met up with a few other old guy friends and hung out. A few days later I post a photo dump on insta of activities and photos of my family and friends from the past month, on the very last slide is one of Kevin from that Canberra meet-up. Kevin messages me a few days after the post, saying that it was “extremely upsetting” for Alanna, and to take it down. He continues to say that he should’ve never hung out with me at all during his relationship, bc he did it seeking “validation” and “attention”, which is a wild fucking thing to say, and a bit of a punch to the gut tbh, bc im not a yes man, all I ever did was treat him like I treated all my female friends and I viewed our friendship as a genuine thing and not whatever he apparently sees it as. Anyways, he says “I’m not sure if I can talk to you for quite a while, you’ve been an incredible friend to me, and I hope that everything works out really well for you” which kinda makes it seem like im being cut off for being the toxic one?? And now im just confused, are we no longer friends? And should I be ok with that considering all our friendship was to him was a source of validation and attention? But I am genuinely curious, AITA for posting that photo?

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A few months ago I got hired at my moms work and I stayed there for a few months until I quit (I was working full time and a student full time, my grades were dropping so I left to focus on school).
I was fine with this as I saved up over 3k from those few months, and thought it would be able to hold me over until summer started (I live at my parents still so I don't pay rent, and scholarships covered my fall/spring tuition), however during the passing months, my parents asked me to borrow money. My ndad doesn't work at all..it's bad, he stopped working for years and he makes my mom pay for everything (he hasn't paid his credit cards in months, all he does is watch tv), so my mom asked me to borrow money (she makes 10/hr, which is NOT enough to cover anything in our house). I said it was okay at first because I felt bad for her and I didn't want her to struggle since it wasn't her fault.
Fast forward to today, my parents have borrowed 2.7k worth of my money. It's horrible. I know my mom can't really pay me back and my dad just gets mad when I mention it. I legitimately just paid off my summer tuition today, so I was left with only $80 in my bank account. I also really wanted to apply to a LSAT prep class but I didn't have enough money, so I told them I wanted to apply to a job. My mom was furious and doesn't want me working, and my dad doesn't want to drive me anywhere that's too far (he says it's too tiring...yet he does nothing all day, also, the only car we have at the moment is my twin sisters car which she left to me for the summer since she's moving to her fiances - I was also never really taught how to drive, and they don't want to teach me, I can drive on the country side but nowhere in the city). My mom said she will pay me back but I don't think she can, with all the bills that she has to pay and everything (once again, not really my moms fault, I blame it all on my lazy dad)
I just don't know what to do and I'm stressing out. I know a part of it is my fault, I shouldn't have let them take that much money from me. I'm so stressed out, I don't know if ill be able to pay for the LSAT prep I wanted to do, as I wanted to take my test this fall. I don't know if there's any remote jobs available.. I just don't know anymore.

Before COVID, during my first year of high school, I was an excellent student. When the pandemic hit, I was told not to stress about grades because universities would be understanding of the impact of the pandemic on our mental health and focus. However, after the pandemic, I struggled to regain my academic motivation. Previously, grades meant a lot to me, and receiving a B would have a significant impact on my mood. But now, they don't hold as much value to me. I've come to realize that grades are just a part of the game and don't truly reflect my worth. In the second semester of my first year, my academic performance worsened, and I received a D, the lowest grade I've had since middle school.
Despite knowing that I am intelligent, I'm currently in a funk. People have suggested that I pursue a major in international relations and even consider a career in law or explore my interest in trades and construction management. However, I feel so confused that I can't focus on any particular path.
In addition to my academic struggles, the tragic events like the Oct 7 massacre in Israel have deeply affected me, leaving me feeling depressed and detached from reality. At one point, I even considered enlisting as a lone soldier to fight in the war, disregarding my physical and mental limitations.
With the rise of antisemitism on campuses and the ideological zealotry related to diversity, equity, and inclusion, I have lost faith in universities as credible institutions. Moreover, the decreasing value of a college degree has left me uncertain about making the right decision for my future.
Despite my parents covering my expenses, I am still feeling unhappy. I am aware of the Buddhist concept that life involves suffering. How can I find joy in life and accept things as they are? The fact that I am writing this shows that I do care to a degree. How can I regain my focus and motivation?

CW: discussion of cancer and DV please ignore the lack of grammar, honestly i just dont feel like it
hey. so I'm 16, i witnessed and was a victim of dv as a kid probably up until third grade. we never went no contact with my dad (the abuser), i still saw him every other weekend, regular divorce rules. my mom never spoke out because she was scared, and when they weren't fighting i was okay at his house for the most part. i went through phases in middle school where i would talk about how much i hated him, but i dont know how to feel anymore. he's my dad, and i want to believe he's changed, we still went out, we still were chill now that im older, but he still can be scary sometimes.
he has cancer, he's in the hospital with chemo brain and probably longer term treatment. he had pneumonia that went under the radar for a good amount of time and im honestly worried he'll die. this isn't his first time with cancer, and he is stage four.
i dont know how im supposed to feel, it's scary, he's my dad, but he also hurt me and my mom. he is the reason i cant watch some movies without having flashbacks. so why am i scared of him passing?
tldr: my abuser was also my dad and i have mixed feelings about him as a person, now he has stage four cancer and idk how to feel.

I've been trying to remember the name of this book for at least five years and can't come up with anything due to a different middle grade series clogging up the search results on google
What I can remember is it's middle-grade fiction from the first person POV of a young boy telling the story of meeting another boy who moved into the neighborhood or just appeared in the town? I remember this boy was either an orphan or something, he was in the care of an older woman. He had figured out how to use hypnosis and much of the story was kind of centered around how he was using that ability and the narrator reacting to it.
I can't remember if the book ends with his death or if he goes away from the town?
Any help would be hugely appreciated. I've been drawing a blank and it's driving me nuts.

I dont think im passing it, this was my first time retaking it, i dont think im gonna graduate, im currently in 11th grade, math was never my best subject, i dont think im going to get enough credits to graduate.
I dont know what to say

1st quarter i failed everything in a major i didnt like, took 8 months off and started at a new college with a new major that i love. The classes are easy and there is no exams, your homework is your final grade. Every single one of these quarters after the first 2-4 weeks i just start spiralling out of control, start being unable to go to lectures or open canvas and just disappear until the last week. I started to learn to withdraw from classes in my 3rd quarter, but my fafsa is suspended until i pass my classes.
It sounds so easy, it is so easy, but i cant. Im so delusional to still think next quarter i will pass it, i have crazy confidence, but that means i would of wasted 4k total trying to gain back my fafsa, my parents want to move back home and time is ticking. All my friends are graduating in 2026 while i will by 2029-2030.
I thought this quarter would be different because i started seeing a psychiatrist for adhd, but it never stopped that spiral. I don't wanna drop out, i will still pay next quarter out of pocket. Im just so fucking tired, like its been two years now and i cant say i tried at all- i didnt try. I just give up after that 4 week period no matter how many motivational content or people or how easy the class is- i even will now have to repeat a class for the 3rd time (all i had to do was show up and do homework..)
(For context i moved countries which is radically different from everything and everyone i ever knew, i dont want to say i have depression but im starting to think this lack of motivation could be it. I brought 600$ driving lessons and ghosted it half way where i never even got to physically get taught how to drive and i didnt take the written test. I keep wasting my money trying but i dont feel bad for failing at all- i just feel bad for wasting my money and my families' time)

[CW: talk of ableism and trauma]
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TL;DR: My dad said to my mom when I took out my new fidget toy after a fairly traumatic day: “he’s (not my preferred pronouns) just going into ‘Autistic Mode’”. He said that he would look into group homes tomorrow again because I “treat them like shit”. I shut down around them, and have been doing so for at least a week or more. I don’t have a job, freshly graduated from college as of December, and I have been struggling to get interviews. I have been using my university’s career services and got accepted into Vocational Rehab, but my parents keep threatening to kick me out of the house and be done with me.
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For reference, I am highly confident I am Autistic and ADHD, but I have not been officially diagnosed. I have a referral and am in the process. My med manager is treating me with non-stimulants which work well and have increased executive function. I have also been exploring my being queer over the last few years, but only recently tried to explain to my parents in totality last November.
I knew they are queerphobic, and I knew that I annoy / upset them when I don’t talk and engage, and that when I talk it’s too much and not about the right thing. I just wanted to believe I was wrong. I wanted to believe I was reading into things because I’ve had so many past experiences where what I felt and what I thought turned out to be false. And they say they love me, and they love me so much that they hate to see me in pain, and so I wanted to believe that it’s true.
The last few days have been hard. My parents had family friends over (that have known me since I was a baby, and they have two adult children that didn’t come this round) for memorial day weekend from out of state. Since seeing the friends last, I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and further accepting the queer parts of myself. I hadn’t been planning to change my name, until by happenstance I found one online that I wanted to be mine due to it's simplicity and androgynous nature. But my parents (and my brother, though he has trans friends) have not been supportive. I just thought they raised me and gave me a name they picked out and so didn’t want to use a new one. It doesn’t make it better, but it’s something.
But they have made it clear in past conversations that it would be unfair for me to tell family friends and extended relatives. And so I spent all of last week before the weekend trying to debate whether I should tell the family friends that were coming over in a text message before they arrived. I tried to summon the courage, but I ended up not doing that. So when I first saw them, I shut down when their first words were “Hey, ”. I decided that I would make myself scarce because I knew I would just keep shutting down and having trouble speaking with them. Literally, it would be the same as with my parents where either the words don’t come or I don’t have the energy to get them past my throat.
So, I tried to be polite when I saw them and just didn’t engage in extensive conversation. When they left, my dad told me I was rude and selfish, and that I need to write them a letter to apologize. I ended up sending them a text today to apologize (didn't explain everything), but I didn’t want to send a letter because I am tired of using my dead name, and I would need to sign it.
I have been trying to avoid my parents even though we live in the same house because I don’t have a job yet. I recently graduated from college in December, but I have not been able to get interviews. I have been making use of my university’s career services and made appointments with the head of engineering to make my resume more appealing in terms of software engineering. I graduated with Interdisciplinary Studies focusing on Computer Science, Creative Writing, and Linguistics. I just want a job right now, and computer jobs pay well. I am hoping to figure out something beneficial in Creative Writing later, maybe Ghost Writing or something that might pay better than that. I also got accepted to use Vocational Rehab, and so I have been working with them.
But, since I am avoiding my parents, they believe I am trying to make it clear that I hate them. They consistently say that I “treat them like shit” and I am “lazy and just want an easy life”. Today has been a hard day after all the turmoil over the last week, and so I have had very little energy. I thought I could be experiencing depression, but I know what that feels like and where it leads. I am not there yet. So, I think the best word to describe it is probably dejected. Like the people who are constantly in my life don’t want me. In the late afternoon, I decided I didn’t just want to sit up in my room anymore, so I drove down to my bookstore to browse, and then checked to see if I could refill my meds. I had about an hour where I started feeling happy and enjoying myself, especially being able to browse the books and look at the descriptions on the back and recording the ones I want to read for later.
When I got home for dinner so my parents didn’t get mad, it was like all that happiness disappeared the moment I saw them. I could not move my face even if I wanted to, to pretend like I was cheery and all right. We got dinner out, and then I sat down. The counselor I like seeing at career services is also an ADHDer. I saw her last week to go over more plans for jobs, and she showed me the various baskets of stim toys she keeps on her bookshelf to hand out to students. She gave me one that’s a tightly knit, long rectangle and has a small glass ball inside. You squeeze it and the ball moves back and forth.
I haven’t used stim toys much growing up because I thought I was supposed to bear all the frustration and anxiety. But I have been trying to treat myself kinder over the last few months. So, I’ve been taking that stim toy with me, and had it when I went to the bookstore. With dinner set up, my parents were trying to get me to interact and “be better”. Without thinking, I took out the stim toy. My dad said I was going into “Autistic Mode” and that they can’t do anything. He will look at group homes again tomorrow.
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Up until that moment, I had doubts. I thought that they really were trying to accept me and it was just hard, especially with all the queerness and years of mental health management (since 2019 when I broke down). But over the last month or so, I’ve had various times where I needed to record my mental health history for intake and I started talking about my parents and how I am starting to recognize the gaslighting and emotional abuse.
I have also been trying hard to remember the good moments. But I can't remember a moment where I was showing signs I am clearly Autistic or ADHD, and that they genuinely enjoyed and loved it. Especially as I've gotten older. I remember them expecting me to get good grades in school from the beginning. If it wasn't "A"s they were upset, and if I failed a test they told me to study again and took me down to school to convince the teacher to let me test again. If I couldn't prove I knew the material and the teacher didn't let me retake it, then I was shunned on the way home.
I want so much to be wrong. I want so much for them to be right and that it's me who is abusing them like they say it is. I don't know why--I don't really feel any emotional love for them and I don't think I ever did, I just don't want them to suffer--but if I am the one who's hurting them then maybe I can change and stop. Maybe I can get better and show them love and be nice to them like they deserve. I wouldn't need to make a plan to estrange myself from them when I am on my feet to better take care of myself. I wish it was me.
I don't know why I am writing all of this. You all have your own problems and don't need to load on mine, and I am not going to pretend I have it the worst even just in my own city. I also feel manipulative, like I am only writing the bad parts and that I should try to remember and describe the good parts.
I just don't have anyone I can talk to right now. I have been out of therapy for a few months. I have been on wait lists for more experienced therapists dealing with gender-affirming care, since that has become a bigger problem. I have something scheduled for the middle of next month with a more general therapist and a referral to a specialized therapist as well.
But I just want to talk to someone who understands. I don't have that in my life. When doctors ask me if I have anyone I can just vent to or trust, I can't think of anyone. I have one friend, but since graduating we only meet up once a month. I can share a lot with her and she is supportive, but then I feel like that one meeting is filled with me trying to vent and seek therapy from her. I don't really want more social interaction, but I want to feel like someone sees me, the real me, and they actually like what they see.
I plan to call the suicide hotline tomorrow. Not because I am suicidal, but because I was told I don't need to be suicidal to call. I know my parents will hear me on the phone if I call tonight, and I don't really want to spend a long time writing out the words in a text to the text number to explain everything when the person on the other end might not be able to fully understand, and so they would just tell me what they think I need to hear. But I guess I'd get the same from the phone call.
I don't know how to wrap this up, and it sounds when I read this over like I am quite lucid and therefore being petty by putting this here. I am lucid, but it doesn't really help me feel better. I can't lie to myself anymore; I've been trying so hard to not lie to myself when I spot it. I am sorry for the long rambling and various tangents. I just want to put this somewhere where people might understand.

Hi everyone! I’m an incoming freshman (F17). I applied undecided into the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. I have a few questions about Villanova. If anyone can answer even one of them it would be a huge help. Reddit seems to be the best forum regarding Nova I can find.

1. CLAS: I know CLAS is gets a bit of a bad rep compared to the business school, engineering school, and nursing school. How significantly does a student feel that on campus?
   
2. ASL: I want to take American Sign Language for my language requirement. I’ve taken Spanish from elementary school to junior year, and it’s always been my worst subject. I can’t take another year of it. Has anyone here taken the ASL course? How was the professor? How difficult is it? If I end up hating it- what is a language you recommend?
   
3. Professors: Please give me any / all teacher recommendations - who to stay away from , who will give me an easy grade , who makes their class borderline impossible with workload and grading , etc.
   
4. Mathematics requirement: I didn’t take any AP/IB classes (my high school doesn’t offer them) but I did take Calculus in my senior year and got a 98.78 in the class (I dropped from AB Calculus and am pretty good at Math). If you are in CLAS - what math did you take? I don’t really understand what some of the options are (discrete math for the social sciences, Mathematics of Fairness, Calculus 1 for Liberal Arts, Calculus 2 for Liberal Arts, Regular Calculus 1, Regular Calculus 2, Logic something or another). First of all if anyone could give me any insights on any of these that would be amazing. Secondly, what is the difference between Calculus for Liberal Arts versus just the normal Calculus? Also, is it worth it to try Calculus 2 even though I didn’t take the AP? Does it matter at all? If I decide to transfer out of Villanova will other colleges care if I take what sounds like bs math courses? What teachers should I try to get for any of these courses?
   
5. Housing: I didn’t apply for Communitas, but I was reading a lot of posts and comments here that said you want to be in the South Campus as a freshmen. I’m also not in the honors program. Which are the best buildings for a freshman. I had to rank my choices in the Housing application and said Good Counsel, St. Katharine, St. Monica’s (I think). But I really didn’t have any information and am kind of scared. Any insights?
   
6. Social Scene: I’m definitely not going to join a sorority. I’ve seen posts here from like the 2000s that say if you are a girl you won’t have trouble getting into parties. Is that still applicable? Also where do people get alc? I have a fake (or should in abt 2 weeks). Are there any go-to bars or convenience stores to bring drinks back to dorms.
   
7. Advice: Any specific tips/recs for succeeding at Nova besides the generic make relationships with your teachers, go to office hours, study, read the syllabus, etc.?
   

I wanted to preface this by saying this occurred 7-8 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school, and im a much different person now and not proud of who I was. Even so, the events of that semester haunt me even today, to the point that it occasionally keeps me up at night, I feel like if I get some impartial judgement on the situation I may be able to resolve some of the lingering grief. I feel like all things considered my actions were justified, but of course you will always be the protagonist fighting off the antagonists in your own story.
So it started in February 2017. I entered into an alternative high school program in my county designed to give students who couldn't otherwise function in normal schools a second chance. I had missed a few weeks due to a hospitalization earlier that year, and while my teachers had been lenient, I was having a difficult time catching back up and it was decided by my school counselors that I would be an excellent candidate for transfer.
It started off really well, I immediately was making new friends, I felt refreshed and hopeful about my new school, I really liked all my teachers, things finally felt right for the first time in awhile. Then I met a boy who i'll call "T", he was pretty cool, easy to talk to, very friendly, overall welcoming and we became friends right off the bat. I decided to get involved in extracurriculars, and T was part of the schools forensics club, which I had an interest in, so I joined up. On the trip we exchanged phone numbers, and ended up flirting over text over the next couple weeks. Eventually he asked me out and I accepted, this is where it started going downhill.
I figured dating this guy meant we would spend more time together, so we could really get to know each other, I was mistaken. I asked him to eat lunch with me, he wasn't interested, he wouldn't walk me to class or really interact with me outside of the classroom and texting. On top of this I learned some information about him over text that I will still not share because this story is still recognizable by those involved but lets just say it was a major turn off for me, I ended the relationship quickly. After that "J" and "A" his two female besties, quickly entered the scene to make my life a living hell. The initial accusation was that I led T on, and that I was trying to control him by forcing him to eat lunch with me, the truth is, I just wanted something different than what he was offering. I even told him we could still be friends. Meanwhile I was in my promiscuous phase and had many non serious flings and sugar daddy's and whatnot, this was just a run of the mill whelp that didn't work out moment for me, I was ready to move on immediately. They were not.
Rumors quickly spread about me, about me being a slut, apparently I was a prostitute and everyone seemed to know except me, and honestly I was unbothered by this. The prostitute thing was untrue, though I absolutely accepted gifts from people I talked to online, and I kinda was a slut, to be fair, so, not exactly the reputation I wanted but things could be much worse. I still had my friends, and I poured myself into my studies and ignited a love for STEM that I still have today.
Then one by one my friends disappeared. I would see them talking with A or J or one of their misc. associates. I was confused, because I hadn't done anything to them. I tried to talk to them, but I was blocked or laughed at, the more I was mocked and ridiculed the less confident about that whole thing I became. It wasn't just my current friends though, A kept tabs on who I was trying to befriend and snatched them up before I could clear the air. This happened with a couple people, but one in particular really hurt, i'll come back to him in a bit. I still had my best friend "M" who I had known years prior to coming to the school, she stuck around the longest, but eventually she started dating a guy from that clique, I was completely alone.
Meanwhile I was getting sneered at and laughed at, and whispered about, I would see girls I didn't know except through association with A and J who would point at me when they thought I couldn't see, and they'd lean into their friends to quitely gossip behind their hands. I tried not to see it, I found myself staring at the floor a lot.
I ended up talking to A and J and asking them to stop, I told them they were being immature (which in hindsight fanned the flames) there was no ceasefire. I ended up going to the school counselor who basically told us to be nice and did nothing to help. I talked to her 1 to 1 and explained the situation and she shrugged it off. I was growing increasingly desperate for support I wasn't receiving. I started to notice an impact to my grades, I was depressed, I couldn't focus, I was randomly tearful. I started eating lunch in a random corridor away from my peers. I wish I could have disappeared completely.
Then one day a boy transferred in from another school, a teacher asked for a volunteer to give him a tour of the building, I was chosen. His name was S. Talking to him was like a breath of fresh air, we hit it off quickly, I was so relieved to finally made a friend. We connected over history, he was a nerd like me and funny too. I went home that day and cried joyful tears, I was so excited to see him again the next day in first period, and when I walked into the room and saw A, J and him sitting together, my stomach hit the floor, we made eye contact and he just frowned and shook his head. I went to my desk and just put my head down and cried. At this point I didn't care if I was seen or not. This is the one that really got me.
A few weeks passed by, I was quietly working in biology class and I heard a dude call my name across the room, he said "OP, "D" thinks your cute!" and the group of guys laughed, I motioned the guy over, and gave him my number, I didn't have any interest in dating the guy but I really really wanted someone to talk to me. It wasn't even two hours before he was hitting it off with A.
At lunch time I went to a different counselor, one who showed more empathy to my situation. She told me I could stay in her office the rest of the day. 4th period came around and I was reeling in my head, I felt like I was a cornered animal, I was desperate for something to change. When she stepped out for a meeting I marched myself up to Spanish class, Which I shared with A, J, T, and S. I cracked the door and asked if I could speak with A in the hallway. I had the perfect speech planned, I had rehearsed a million times, that teacher said no. I told her it was incredibly important, she told me no and to get out. I looked at her, I looked at A, I stepped toward her and before I knew it she had a fist full of my hair, she was hitting me in the head while J grabbed my arms, I broke free and shoved J hard, and started punching A back but couldn't gather the momentum to do any damage as she still had my hair. The teacher who was 6 months pregnant tried to step in, I was so disoriented I shoved her away with my elbow. A male teacher came in and pulled us apart. I looked around at several cameras, faces of disgust. Sam looked at me and said "what the fuck is wrong with you?" I took my bags, and ran out into the hallway, down the stairs and was almost out of the building when the principal stopped me. I was suspended for a week.
My mom picked me up and I told her everything. We decided I would be withdrawn and I would be homeschooled the rest of high school. I eventually got my GED. I mellowed out, met my husband, and now we have a sweet baby boy. For some reason though, my heart can't handle what happened, even still it plays on a loop in my head. Everything I never got to say is still in my throat and has been since that day. Im hoping sharing this will finally put all that to rest. I want to move on, truly.
AITA?

Title explanation: Lilia lost her airpods at school but found them the next day.
Today is Lilia’s very last day of middle school ever. Her 8th grade graduation is tomorrow. Today is her last in service day of school. Jess is so sad dropping Lilia off. Jess sent her first born off to her very last day of middle school. The next time Jess drops Lilia off it will be at high school. Lilia’s graduation is not until tomorrow. Today is Lilia’s last academic day of school. Jess can’t believe that this day has come. Jess came to home depot because she will finish the bathroom this week. They have been doing it themselves. It is taking quite a while and is low on the priority list. Jess wants to finish it this week. On the way to home depot Jess remembered when she had Lilia. Jess was pregnant at 17 and had Lilia at 18. Even something as simple as calculating how old Jess would be when Lilia was 10. Jess feels like everyone does that when you first have a kid. Jess has always known that when Lilia graduates high school she will be 36. Jess was thinking about all the memories of Lilia. It dawned on Jess that she is 32. Lilia only has 4 more years left of school. 18 year old Jess thought that that moment was so far away. However it is here and not so far away. It was a blink of an eye. Jess will be a mess tomorrow at Lilia’s graduation. Jess already feels it. Jess is not a crier. (I already knew that. She fake cries all the time but no actual tears come out.) In The last 2 years Jess has gotten more emotional because she realizes more how beautiful life is. Everything is making Jess emotional. Even some movies Jess watches are making her emotional. Jess hates watching people cry because it is so annoying. Jess can’t believe that she is here and that this is happening. It goes by in the blink of an eye and then it is over. Jess still has so much time left. Jess is going to focus on the bathroom because it is getting out of control and is sad.
Jess is wearing Landen’s crocs because they were the only shoes she could find and they fit her. Kyson and Kaden’s shoes are too big. Jess wants to do a retro curvy strip across the bathroom wall. Jess is going to do 5 colors that complement each other and go with the theme. Jess doesn’t know how this will turn out. Jess is winging this. Chris had to come and save the day because they don't take apple pay. After Chris dropped the little kids off at school he came and met Jess at home depot.
Jess doesn’t have too much time because Lilia has a minimum day. The guys are working on the ADU today. Lilia has a minimum day since it is the very last day of school. Jess doesn’t have too much time. The rest of the kids are not out of school today. It is not their last day of school. They have a whole week left of school. They are on a very different schedule. They still have a solid week and a half. Today is Lilia’s last academic day. Tomorrow is her graduation. The following day is when Lilia leaves on her 8th grade trip to washington dc/new york. Jess is excited for Lilia but also nervous. Jess finished all of the cabinet doors and put the paint away. However she forgot a door so she had to put everything back out.
Jess is going to attempt the very first line of the bathroom. The wall is just so plain. Jess wants a little something to go across. Her vision is for it to go up the wall and over the other wall above the light fixture. There is so much space. Jess doesn’t know. She is going to completely wing this. Jess needs to finish off the wall paint. Jess ended up sticking with the darker pepto bismol color on one wall, and the lighter one on the other 2 walls. Jess went back and forth but she decided to try it like that. If she hates it she will repaint it. Jess does hate it but she didn’t want to repaint it and then she liked the contrast. They will see it with the strip on it. The strip will add another element.
Jess just came to Lilia’s school to pick her up. Yesterday they had a picnic outside for lunch. At some point in the day Lilia realized she was missing her airpods. She doesn’t know at what point she lost them. Lilia thinks she lost them somewhere out in the huge grass area. They checked lost and found but no one turned them in. They are hoping they are in the tall grass area. They are not catching a signal through the find my iphone setting. They are still not connecting. It is not looking good. They found them. Jess is shocked. They were buried in a patch of grass. That is a miracle. They were exactly where Lilia’s phone said they were. Jess can’t believe it. What a way to kick off summer. Jess is shook. Jess knew they could do it. Jess is so happy.
Addie has cheer today. Today is going to be a crazy day for Addie. Addie has cheer, then straight to dance for pictures. Landen got his hair repermed yesterday. Jess is confident about it this time because they cut it shorter which Jess loves. The guy that they take Landen to get his hair permed. The guy is so amazing that they started taking the rest of the kids to get their hair cut from him. Chris started getting his haircut from him. This was a really good find. The downside is that he only works 3 days a week so you have to plan for those days. Those days are the days that they have soccer. Landen goes from getting his hair freshly permed straight to soccer practice. Jess feels like it isn’t good but they don’t have any other options. This week their soccer schedule has completely changed because it is the end of the season. Jess feels like it will stick better this time because Landen wore a bonnet to bed last night. Jess is going to get Landen one for himself. Everyone should wear them. Landen isn’t going to practice and sweating it out and he is protecting his hair at night. Landen just has Jess’s hair texture which never has held a curl. Jess got a perm once or twice but it didn’t stick. It went straight immediately. That is exactly what Landen’s did. Jess thinks it also might be a hair texture thing. Even to this day Jess’s curls won’t last all day. It is flat by the end of the day. Even if Jess puts certain products in it it still doesn’t hold like others do.
Mango has been extremely happy. His beard isn’t black, his appetite is back and he is eating normally. Mango started dribbling from the side when eating. The lump has gotten bigger. (Well you decided to stop all meds and let nature take its course. Nature is taking its course.) His mouth is open on the side that has the lump. Jess doesn’t know why. The lump is getting bigger. However Mango is really happy and in good spirits. Mango is eating normal. Jess doesn’t know what to do. (How about going back to the vet and resuming the meds?) They are taking it day by day. Mango is happy and that is all Jess cares about.
Addie has flight school today. It teaches how to do lifts in cheer. Jess isn’t a seasoned cheer mom yet. Then they have to go straight to her dance dress rehearsal.

Let's first delve into the doubtlessly demeaning details: I am 24 years old, living with my mother, working a job only tangentially relevant to what I studied for, and it's not even for the living expenses -- it's to defray my degree program costs (mother insisted I shouldn't consider student loans if it can be avoided, even though it'll defer my actually receiving the degree; did I mention I'm 24 years old still paying off undergrad, and that's just one criterion out of several to fulfill? I sound so ungrateful for her provision phrasing it as that -- my apologies, even in her absence -- but I am at present prioritizing transparency over respect).
At my age, my life is not even fractionally what I envisioned it to be in my youth -- I can't say I've ever made friends in school, ever had fun, even (I can thank the quarantine), and any connections I've made fizzled out upon my departure from grade school or uni -- and I suppose that's weighing down the relationship with my mother and me. She'd give me some command, something inessential such as wiping the floor, and my response is simply lying in bed until my job or some other extradomestic obligation impels me out of it -- nearly all the time that happens, I wholeheartedly promise you I feel physically incapable of doing anything else.
I'd tell her, "I'll get to it; can I just lie here a while?"
She'd reply, "I want it done now; what else do you have to do at this moment?" with her voice carrying more than enough emphasis for both of us.
That, or I would question why something should be done or my ratiocination in why it shouldn't, and she would interpret that as my challenging the position she holds in the house, ergo I'm "trying to pick a fight" with her (the quotes are to display her wording, not my mocking it -- I truly have no energy to pick fights with anyone, let alone my own mother)
Such as her telling me, "I need you to install this modem, get to it."
"We already have a functioning one; are we replacing it?"
"Obviously. Why do you have to talk back to me all the time?"
"I'm sorry, may I just ask why?"
"Jesus Christ, does it matter? I pay for these things, not you!"
Meanwhile I wasn't comfortable disconnecting my computer from the Internet -- even for a second -- because the files I'm accessing for my school might be denied upon reactivation. That didn't matter to her, she applied the "you want it done when you want it, do it yourself" mentality, and, yes, that's exactly what happened -- I have yet to inform the professor, and I'm hoping it doesn't lead to anotber bill added to my statement.
In fact, none of it matters -- she aims to send me off to a group home and effectively cleanse her life from the stains I inflicted on her, as I have insufficient financial means to live without her; it was her sister's -- my aunt's -- idea, to demonstrate to me "who's in control" (which I never have any intention of contesting, though I'm disregarding the dissonance between intention and action in my saying that) and to safeguard her well-being against the stress I unceasingly bring her, and, goodness, I can't blame her at all for that.
The title is accurate, I'm not sure what to do anymore; should I even try to combat such decision-making? I am her only offspring and I can't say I was ever a good son to her.
If nothing else, thank you sincerely for reading. Knowing that someone would read this -- and maybe even relate -- is enough to bring me peace.

I have read the sub rules and think this is okay. If not, apologies and please delete.
I (40 something divorced male) have been dating a wonderful lady (40 something divorced female) for about 18 months (let's call her "HeckuvaCatch" or "HC" for short).
I have two grade school age kids. HeckuvaCatch has two high schoolers, one of whom has been medically diagnosed BPD (among some other issues) for years (let's call her "Betty").
Relationship is very serious.
Throughout our relationship, we have had very candid, frequent, and high quality communication about a # of serious things, including Betty's BPD.
Betty definitely affects the relationship, but has been relatively easily navigable, largely due to some seriously rock-star parenting / dating skills on part of HeckuvaCatch and very good comms between us. This applies to (1) HC and me, (2) Betty and me, and (3) the three of us.
I have some pretty serious concerns about introducing Betty to my two grade school kids, though.
HC and I have been very slow and deliberate w/ introducing our relationship to the kids' daily lives. My kids and HC's younger kid (none of whom have any mental health issues (so far)) have just met one another and hung out a few times within just the last couple months. My kids and Betty have never met (a deliberate choice by HC and me).
Betty is my first (known) exposure to BPD, so I am new to this and uneducated. Frankly, my gut reaction as a dad is to not let Betty and my kids interact, at all. HC and I have discussed that and she said that, (1) in my shoes she'd feel the same, (2) she sees the real negative impact Betty's situation has had on HER youngest, who can't be insulated from it, and wouldn't want that for my kids and (3) she doesn't have any great ideas, but hopes we can commit to trying to make it all work. The bottom line answer I have given her is that, re: (3), I am "all in" for doing whatever it takes...w/ one uncrossable red line: I can't knowingly hurt my kids for my relationship.
We're in mutual agreement that each of our highest priorities is to our own kids. But, boy, is this getting complicated and just blows at times.
Apologies for length....
I guess my questions are: (1) are my concerns overblown or founded; and (2) any thoughts on how to navigate?
I appreciate that individuals are unique, expressed BPD is unique, and a unique individuals unique BPD is uniqueness squared. But ANY thoughts would help a dad who wants to do right by his kids and a man who also wants to do right by HC and Betty.
TIA.

Good Evening,
I'd like to start off by mentioning that I am a 17 year old man, white, 190cm in height - 6"2' almost 6"3', weighing around 60 kg - 120 pounds. I currently live in Europe, precisely - Poland. I do not drink or smoke, no medication outside of the pills that I got prescribed by the doctor who I have visited about this issue.
The root of this issue:
On Wednesday - 22nd of May, I was playing pick up basketball with a couple of friends. This activity was all fun and games until I jumped for a rebound, trying to get the ball for my team from the air, which resulted in me falling on the wrong side of my foot. I would also like to mention that I have rolled my ankle twice before, which was never this severe. 30 minutes after the injury, my mom took me to the ER. I did an x-ray and the doctor told me to not put any pressure or weight on the foot (no walking), and wearing a Walker Boot. I was also prescribed Neoparin - 10 anticoagulant injections, taken daily. We were told that we should schedule another visit 2 days after, once the swelling had shrunk. On the second visit, the doctor examined my foot and determined that the injury is a grade 2 ankle sprain. I was prescribed 2 weeks of no pressure along with still wearing the walker boot, keep doing the injections, along with 2 new medicine - Cyclo3Fort and Reparil. I was also instructed to use the RICE method - Rest Ice Compress Elevate, keeping my foot above my butt, icing my foot every 2 hours for 15 minutes and treating the walker boot like a cast, only taking it off when I shower.
After the first visit in the ER, I took the advice lightly - I wore the walker boot for a long time during the day but I didn't really pay attention to how long my foot was supposed to be in it. I kept my foot elevated for most of the day but I also did not really care that much about it. I didn't ice my foot at all because I found research that icing actually makes the healing process longer.
After the second visit, I really listened to the words of the doctor. I am keeping my foot elevated 95% of the day, I ice every 2-3 hours for 15 minutes. I have my walker boot on also 95% of the day. I also take all of the medicine as im supposed to.
What really worries me is that since I have been doing what my doctor told me to (2 days ago), I get this excruciating pain in my foot and my leg whenever I don't keep my foot elevated. This made showering impossible, going to the toilet and relieving myself really hard - also met with excruciating pain (7/10 on a pain scale) - it honestly feels like if I was getting constantly bitten by a dog. Daily activities like making my breakfast - even simple cereal with milk, are insanely hard to do, with my foot constantly hurting when it's not elevated.
The plus of this is that the swelling that was HUGE, is now moderate. Compared to day 1 it is 80% gone, and even comparing to yesterday - it got better.
I was instructed to keep doing this for 2 weeks - until the time of my next checkup. Surviving like this, until then and even going there seems IMPOSSIBLE.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review and help me with this issue. I also want to say sorry for any bad instances of my use of the english language.
Hope everyone has a great day.

putting a tw for: body shaming at a young age, negative food talk, emotional neglect/abuse possibly, bad negative self talk, derealisation, body dysphoria issues, suicidal talk/depression, weight loss talk. plz be advised when reading or don’t if its too heavy.
also this is long, im just hoping someone would take the time to read and provide what they can. no one is obligated to read, thanks.
im genuinely starting to get upset and its killing me inside, when i look for support or any help anywhere there is none. all the content on instagram is targeted towards those who’ve made it past that age and survived having to cover up or not dress how they want. no one ever seems to care about the teen and tween girls who currently deal with this kind of stuff cause it seems to them it doesn’t exist anymore. its disappointing to see and shows i dont belong in any community so i’ve come here
im currently 17 and for the past multiple years ever since i started being heavier around the end of 5th grade it feels like my father has been more ashamed of his daughters body and has tried to cover me up and tell me what i should wear. im also dealing with covering up my severe depression and trauma so theres more thats kinda related to this but i dont want to stray off topic
when i was four my dad put me in the child acting industry based in la/weho. that wasn’t that traumatic for me honestly and didn’t take away from being a child but during that time my dad would sometimes get angry when i wanted a snack such as chips or a cookie, he would threaten me and be like “youre gonna grow as big as a house” or “of course you want the cookies”. keep in mind i was only in early elementary school around this time. and in fifth grade he signed me up for this shoot where it was some sort of tv pilot pitch where it was described as the biggest loser for kids and they had other slimmer kids on set that wore fat suits basically and i was the biggest one there. i belived i had to have a fitness routine at 11 in the fifth grade and started working out for two days
into middle school i started getting known for being a bigger girl but i remember around 7th-8th grade my dad kept saying how the clothes i had were too small when i was just trying to dress trendy or like similar styles like any middle school girl. if not that then it was stuff that was too “childish” or fit snug on me. this is when i started to feel totally repulsed about my body and dreaming about wearing what i wanted. and even to this day he periodically will get upset and disappointed in me being dressed down with my hair up just to do something mundane or for my therapy appointment. i was wearing hoodies or shirts with leggings. i remember when we were at six flags for my birthday and i was wearing a cute tank top that slightly showed a bit of tummy and he forcibly pulled the shirt down.
and getting into high school and up into this point he periodically, gets mad and upset when im wearing a certain outfit to go somewhere simple or drags me into the plus sized women’s section of kohls to look for clothes i don’t need and want. i remember when he took me to get my blood drawn i was on my period and wore pants that i typically do cause im uncomfy naturally on it and he got mad and i went into my room trying to calm down and not argue because its pointless with him, and i already knew he was gonna come in and go in my closet and tell me to change into a different pair of pants i don’t wear or what he liked. i always have to please what he likes or i should be wearing in my size.
up until recently he’s telling me i need to get a new wardrobe, that all my clothes are small when they just fit snug or my tummy shows through, (i go thrifting with my mom alot), and convincing me to shop in the plus sized women’s section of jcpenny and kohls. mind you he’s in his early 60s so i dont wanna hear “who still shops there” cause thats not making me feel better about myself at all. i remember he took me to see the women’s shorts and pants, all straight fitting long shorts that were two sizes too big on me. him sending me pictures of mens shirts that are oversized on me because i have some mens pants that i wear as jeans. when he took me shopping recently for athletic wear and told me i NEEDED new shorts and pants because the ones my mom gets are “too tight” when they fit me comfortably and the shorts i have to try on are long and big on me, i literally put them on and feel disgusting like im dressing for pe class, i dont say anything other than they just look plain in which he tells me im not supposed to look stylish at the gym and be comfortable. but when i wear them to the gym they keep falling down on me past half my ass no matter how much i have the draw string tied and im constantly pulling them up. when i have to struggle to not tell him i dont like any of the stuff he chooses for me or think fits since he gets mad and angry about it but also gets upset when i dont wear any of the things he gets me. and for the past two years i start to realize why he’s getting me to wear oversized or bigger clothes for me, because anything my size is too tight basically.
he’s told me my first cosplay i put together myself at fifteen looks raggedy and made me look like a street urchin, he didn’t let me get thin framed glasses i liked that were in our budget because my head was too wide for them and they just looked ugly to him, when he got a dress i needed for a cosplay in my size he made my mom try it on before i did and told me it was tight on her, said that the brand name suggested it was too small, kept telling i needed a bigger size, then when i tried it on and it fit perfectly he kept wondering if it was too tight. i dont even want to do any cosplay or get better cause of him and i cant even dress or put effort in outfits like i did in middle school. now i just feel like a burden cause of my body, something that needs to be hidden away, like everything is my fault because im bigger.
i feel repulsed and never take pictures, only when i feel like i should. my dad doesn’t take pictures of me anymore or puts up any photos of me in middle school or high school like he did my brother, only those photos of me as a young child. now im dealing with binge eating habits that affect me, weighing more than my parents, having shame about eating in public, feeling guilt when i eat, and not feeling like a person. even if friends take fun pictures of me i feel freaked out. im not living, and i dont know how im supposed to be accepted by this community when im forced to hate myself in real life and get jealous over those who’ve already made it past the shame in hiding themselves or appealing to society’s standards. and this is on top of processing me hiding my autism and severe depression and trauma. i dont want to keep dealing with thinner people who dont understand. and dont even ask if my mother is better, she just tells me that my dad would hate certain clothes and constantly nags me about having to shop at torrid. and im hoping to move out into a dorm around next year but this is something that’s killing me besides other things and i dont have any support because im the biggest person i know personally.

Are you looking for a leadership position? Do you like to be involved in STEM outreach or robotics-related hardware/software*? Then, we're looking for you!*
SHARK! Robotics is looking for ambitious individuals ages 13-18 to be a part of our team. REQUIREMENTS AND MORE INFORMATION BELOW!
Who is SHARK! Robotics? SHARK! Robotics is a community robotics team based in Plano, Texas. We participate in FIRST Tech Challenge which challenges teams of 2-15 to program and design a robot to a predetermined game. Additionally, teams are expected to complete STEM-related community outreach. We have qualified to Regionals every year with having been a State Alternate in 2023. We can provide a collaborate platform to nurture STEM and business-aspiring leaders.
What kind of leadership positions do we have available? *Please remember that no position is paid. These positions serve as leadership opportunities for young individuals.* We have hardware, software, and business/community outreach positions available!
Hardware Positions:

• Designer & Builder - Design original robots using Computer-Aided Design (CAD) softwares such as OnShape. Build these robots using industry-level materials.

Software Positions:

• Programmer - Program our robots using FTC Java, machine learning algorithms, and convolutional neural networks (CNN).

Outreach Positions:

• Event Planner - Plan STEM-related outreach events at both the local and international level.
• Graphic Designer & Social Media Manager - Manage our social media and photography. Design aesthetic flyers and posts.
• Corporate Sponsorship and Partnership Advisor - Oversee and direct our sponsorship strategy.

For more information, please visit this document: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AAvKozdsj22LOIRK6cAopZyvWTQDfHsJBzlxEPynvXI/edit?usp=sharing
REQUIREMENTS! - MUST BE MET

1. Applicants must be based in the DFW area.
2. Applicants must be at least in the seventh grade.
3. Applicants MUST fill out the official application form before May 31st: https://forms.gle/Ak3atEYmehcM1gV57

Applicants should expect to dedicate at least two hours to SHARK! Robotics each week and attend weekly meetings. For more information, please email [ftcsharkrobotics@gmail.com](mailto:ftcsharkrobotics@gmail.com)

Are you looking for a leadership position? Do you like to be involved in STEM outreach or robotics-related hardware/software*? Then, we're looking for you!*
SHARK! Robotics is looking for ambitious individuals ages 13-18 to be a part of our team. REQUIREMENTS AND MORE INFORMATION BELOW!
Who is SHARK! Robotics? SHARK! Robotics is a community robotics team based in Plano, Texas. We participate in FIRST Tech Challenge which challenges teams of 2-15 to program and design a robot to a predetermined game. Additionally, teams are expected to complete STEM-related community outreach. We have qualified to Regionals every year with having been a State Alternate in 2023. We can provide a collaborate platform to nurture STEM and business-aspiring leaders.
What kind of leadership positions do we have available? *Please remember that no position is paid. These positions serve as leadership opportunities for young individuals.* We have hardware, software, and business/community outreach positions available!
Hardware Positions:

• Designer & Builder - Design original robots using Computer-Aided Design (CAD) softwares such as OnShape. Build these robots using industry-level materials.

Software Positions:

• Programmer - Program our robots using FTC Java, machine learning algorithms, and convolutional neural networks (CNN).

Outreach Positions:

• Event Planner - Plan STEM-related outreach events at both the local and international level.
• Graphic Designer & Social Media Manager - Manage our social media and photography. Design aesthetic flyers and posts.
• Corporate Sponsorship and Partnership Advisor - Oversee and direct our sponsorship strategy.

For more information, please visit this document: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AAvKozdsj22LOIRK6cAopZyvWTQDfHsJBzlxEPynvXI/edit?usp=sharing
REQUIREMENTS! - MUST BE MET

1. Applicants must be based in the DFW area.
2. Applicants must be at least in the seventh grade.
3. Applicants MUST fill out the official application form before May 31st: https://forms.gle/Ak3atEYmehcM1gV57

Applicants should expect to dedicate at least two hours to SHARK! Robotics each week and attend weekly meetings. For more information, please email [ftcsharkrobotics@gmail.com](mailto:ftcsharkrobotics@gmail.com)