Bonjour,
J’ai reçu ce mail de Horizon AM. Société de gestion d’obligations immo par laquelle je passe. Est-ce ce que je dois m’inquiéter ? Et si oui, à quel point ?

Bonjour Sarah CONNOR,
Nous vous contactons en votre qualité de titulaires d’obligations émises par la société Horizon Oblig.
Pour rappel, la société Horizon Oblig opère dans le domaine du financement d’opérations immobilières. Pour développer son activité, elle procède à l’émission de différents emprunts obligataires auprès d’investisseurs professionnels et assimilés. À ce jour, la collecte obligataire de la Société s’élève à plus de 63 millions d’euros.
Grâce à sa collecte, la Société a investi dans 29 opérations immobilières.
L’aménagement de la liquidité dans le secteur de l’immobilier
L’année 2023 a été marquée par une crise immobilière inédite aux multiples conséquences qui a touché l’intégralité du secteur de l'immobilier. Cette crise a entraîné un blocage important des ventes, désordonné l’organisation de l’offre et la demande, et généré une forte crise de liquidité pesant sur les opérateurs immobiliers et leurs projets.
Néanmoins, depuis le début de l’année 2024, des premiers signaux positifs laissent entrevoir un assouplissement de la politique monétaire des banques centrales qui amènerait une normalisation progressive des financements d’ici fin 2024. Cette fluidification attendue de l’accès au crédit, ainsi que la stabilisation (entamée depuis le troisième trimestre 2023) du prix des matériaux de construction, devraient permettre de relancer la production immobilière et de rétablir la confiance sur ce marché.
Dans l’attente d’une évolution meilleure du marché, les opérateurs immobiliers n’ont d’autre choix que de repenser leurs projets et leurs financements. L’objectif majeur étant de préserver la valorisation de leurs actifs immobiliers en gérant minutieusement leurs trésoreries. Cela n’est possible que si les opérateurs restent maîtres de leur plan de cessions d’actifs afin de maintenir un prix de revente positif et conforme à leurs bilans prévisionnels.
L’application du contexte pour Horizon Oblig
Ce contexte de marché généralisé impacte l’activité de la Société Horizon Oblig qui rencontre, à l’instar du marché, un retard dans le débouclage des opérations financées. Ce décalage est compris entre 6 à 12 mois.
En dépit d’un contexte difficile, il convient de préciser que la Société dispose d’un portefeuille d'actifs sain et oeuvre pour que sa cession puisse intervenir dans les meilleures conditions possible. En effet, sur l’année 2024, la Société a établi un plan de cession qui devrait lui permettre de revendre plusieurs actifs financés pour plusieurs millions d’euros.
Pour cela, elle doit impérativement préserver sa trésorerie disponible afin de l'orienter, non pas exclusivement vers la sortie de ses capitaux collectés, mais vers la réalisation de ses cessions immobilières. Cette priorisation lui permettrait de céder son portefeuille à un prix de marché cohérent et conforme à son prévisionnel.
Les modalités du contrat obligataire qui nous lient prévoient la possibilité d’une prorogation de la date d’échéance pour une période minimale de 6 mois (nominal + intérêts). La Société est contrainte d’activer cette clause, étant précisé que la prorogation maintiendra les mêmes conditions de taux et de rémunération. L’impact principal pour vous réside donc dans le délai de remboursement. Le règlement du coupon est également différé jusqu’à l’échéance prolongée.
Vous serez convoqué au mois de juin à une Assemblée Générale des obligataires, pour prendre acte de cette prolongation.
Consciente des efforts que cela implique individuellement, la Société vous propose une alternative plus favorable, qui consiste à souscrire à une de ses offres privilèges, rétribuant à la fois votre fidélité et s’adaptant au contexte des taux d’intérêt en vigueur.
Ainsi, en contrepartie d’une période plus longue que celle de l’option contractuelle de 6 mois, vous avez la possibilité d’opter pour une durée différente et bénéficier d’une meilleure prime de rendement. Deux offres complémentaires vous sont proposées :

• Durée de 12 mois : taux de 5,20 % annuel ;
  
• Durée de 18 mois : taux de 5,70 % annuel.
  

Pour rappel, votre taux de rémunération est de 4,50% par an.
Dans l’hypothèse, où vous optez pour l’une des offres privilèges susmentionnées, vous bénéficierez alors d’un taux augmenté compris entre 0,70% et 1,20% par rapport à votre taux actuel.
La Société est confiante dans la stratégie proposée et espère obtenir votre soutien pour traverser au mieux cette conjoncture. C’est aussi l’occasion pour nous de vous remercier de votre compréhension et fidélité.
L’ensemble des collaborateurs du Groupe Horizon reste à votre écoute pour échanger et avancer.
Bien cordialement,

Plot twist : je suis déjà inquiet. Une société qui a visiblement des difficultés de remboursement et fait passer ça pour une « stratégie », ça n’a rien d’encourageant. Meme si c’est vrai que la BCE commence la baisse des taux.
Je précise également que c’est de l’argent dont je n’ai pas actuellement besoin. J’aimerais juste le revoir un jour.

Ne parvenant pas à vendre son château à Potomac (Maryland), un milliardaire américain a préféré en faire don à une œuvre caritative.
Retrouvez l'article complet gratuitement sur : ImmoPotam.com.

He’s 6’1”, ranges 250lbs, and is white (mainly German)
So awhile back, I’d have to say close to almost a year now, my dad started getting relatively bad ache on his face. At first it was just a that consistently, pop it, kinda goes away, come back between 3 days to 2 weeks later. I’d say they were the start of cyst if not just a cyst. But now it’s gotten worse, like experiencing other symptoms worse that nothing we look up gives it an answer. He’s gone to doctors and nothing has really given him an actual answer or diagnosis. He got some answer once that it might be due to inconsistent hormone treatment (more on that later) It’s one spot particularly on his right side of the face, closer to the eye on his cheek. He’s described it as feeling like the inner skin is sticking to itself, a ball of yarn with the end having a hard ball on it, and the said ball is scraping against his muscles and moves around in his face. He messages it and feels the internal skin ‘unraveling’. Puss comes out of these cyst, small hard balls have came out too similar but not really like when there’s a hard ball in a zit. It’s now persisting up along his jaw bone and into his scalp more along the hair line. It is starting to bother him considerably more than when it started, both in pain, self esteem and considerably more of his time is going towards it.
If it helps any, he inconsistently gets testosterone shots due to losing a ball to testicular cancer, so he got chemo for about a year. He can’t get them consistently because of his career making is so hard on him to get to appointments for it, and the health care just generally being a shit show in all honesty. It’s been like this for about 2 years now that taking testosterone is less often, not from a lack of trying through I will assure you that. But that’s a different story. He does take an SSRI, and maybe some other meds but I’m not fully sure what.
Please just help my dad gets some relief maybe, I hate seeing him like this and it taking up hours of his time.

Hey Melahomies,
Sending love and positive thoughts to everyone, always. Hope you’re keeping as well as possible.
I just wanted to let anyone with critical illness insurance know that mine just paid out after my diagnosis of Stage 1A melanoma. When I was making a claim I scoured the internet for experiences of others going through the same, and only found some old forum posts. Hopefully this will help someone searching in the future.
My policy was with Zurich and the crucial criteria that my melanoma had to meet was that it had invaded beyond the epidermis, which mine had. Check with your consultant/cancer nursing team if yours meets the criteria.
So, for anyone with life assurance that may have critical illness attached (I took mine out five years ago when I got my mortgage), or who may have a critical illness policy through work or their bank, check out the terms and conditions! Dont automatically think that you won’t be able to claim because it’s at an early stage/didn’t require chemo or more treatment than surgery.
And my only piece of advice would be to start the claim as soon as you can. It took 13 weeks for my claim to be processed, and it was fairly straightforward! Most of the delays were caused by the time it took for my GP to produce my medical report. Whole process was easy from my end and the insurance company were great to deal with.
Just a note that I’m in the UK and this is different to healthcare insurance that pays for treatment in places like the US.

I’m 29m and have had anxiety my entire life, however this is new to me.
I have really bad health anxiety when I think something is wrong with me. Recently I got in my head the have colon cancer. And ever since for the last 2 weeks I have been off the wall anxious, thinking about it 24/7. I went to a doctor the other day and he talked me out of my bad mental space and assured me it’s extremely extremely unlikely and that it doesn’t sound like I have it.
However even though my anxiety is gone I am still having abdominal issues.
Basically, all over my stomach and up to my ribs on both sides feels sore. It doesn’t “hurt” but more feels like the muscles are sore, like I did tons of Ab exercises or something. Even my upper arms and shoulders feel similar. I no longer feel anxious and haven’t all day today, but I still feel sore all over my abdomen and up my sides.
Is this a normal symptom of anxiety? Is it possibly from clenching my stomach muscles the last 2 weeks to much from being wildly anxious? Normally the main anxiety symptom I get is nausea and feeling faint, I’ve never felt physically sore like this. Especially a full day later from being overly anxious.

Hi everyone. Last Wednesday (5/29) in the very early hours of the morning, I (25M) had what I believe to be a TIA or mini stroke. I’m relatively healthy, in good shape, and take good care of myself for the most part.
Just to give you guys some background on the situation at hand — I usually workout 3-6 days a week and since last August, I’ve worked 55 hours a week between two jobs, until recently. To gain weight in muscle, I aimed for 3000-4000 calories a day, mostly in fast/processed food and quick but high-calorie meals, usually with a big Frappuccino and lemonade daily. I also have had social anxiety since 2018, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was and does not detriment me much anymore. And I have had a swollen rib since 2020, which I had checked out and was assured that it was nothing but muscles. Sometime in September 2023, I was introduced to vaping and decided to buy my own. I started to vape a lot, about 30-60 hits per day with a very strong pen and equally strong nicotine juice. I used this daily but persisted with my workout routines up until about a month ago. I was reintroduced to smoking weed (I hadn’t smoked since December 2020) and started to do so every day, in excess, while I continued to smoke nicotine at the same clip. I quit both jobs in favor of a new job that allowed me to work from home for the first month, which gave me a lot of down time to vape and smoke weed and thus reduced my motivation for the gym. I was high every day for a month. And my workout consistency waned. As of today, I haven’t worked out in a month and a half after 13 months of nearly daily rigorous exercise. I also had an incident recently where I was with my girlfriend and accidentally touched my urethra after eating greasy/spicy food, which caused a slight burn. But it didn’t continue after I washed it out and so I did not think much of it. I also have had relatively consistent night sweats for about a year or two, with no clear reason.
The majority of the symptoms began a few weeks after I stopped my workouts. First, I noticed some difficulty peeing and an intermittent ache in my right testicle about a month and a half ago. My appetite started to quickly disappear, going from 3000-4000 calorie days to about 1500-2000 on a good day. Then a week or so later (weekend of 5/18 I believe), I was decently tipsy/high one night at my girlfriend’s house, and suddenly lost my balance as I stood alone in her room by her bed, toppling over and falling to my right side onto the bed. I knew right away that it was strange, as I was not nearly intoxicated enough to lose my balance at all, but brushed it off and attributed it to being under the influence. Then I began to notice a strange ache and dullness in my right foot, which continued for weeks until the very first attack that I had.
On Tuesday 5/28, I spent the day watching movies and smoking tobacco/weed as well as vaping with my girlfriend and her cousin, as I was still onboarding from home for my new job. It was hot (100 degrees plus, and the A/C had gone out. However, I developed a nasty case of hiccups and they continued for hours on end, even starting up again after I would finally put a stop to them. Later that night (Wednesday 5/29), at about 5 am, my girlfriend and I woke up on the downstairs couch in her home as we had fallen asleep watching movies. I also showed her a joke tweet that I had seen about James Bond having a stroke, but in the back of my mind, I was somewhat scared that this is what was happening to me. We went upstairs to sleep and as I laid in bed, I simply could not sleep or rest my mind. I also noticed that as I laid on my back, it was difficult to keep my aching right foot from toppling over to one side. I got up to use the restroom (6 am) and as I stood up from the toilet, I noticed a strange, heavy aching and decent numbness in my right arm and chest. I examined myself in the mirror and noticed that my right shoulder, bicep, and entire right side of my chest were suddenly swollen and tingling. The right side of my head began to tingle and my vision started to slightly blur. I also felt a change in my balance, to one side specifically. And I had less sensation in my right arm and leg. Panicking, I put two and two together as I realized I needed emergency medical care. I went into her room and woke her up, crying uncontrollably and having the worst anxiety attack of my life. She sat there trying to understand me as I was panicking and crying. She had a very blank and tired expression as well as she was half asleep at 6 in the morning, which only made me freak out more. As she got up to get dressed, I hugged her arm because I could not stop crying and felt as if I were gonna fall over at any point. Right away, a wave of nausea washed over me and I asked for a trash can, throwing up a lot with little to no effort. And I have thrown up maybe 5 times in my life in total, even with some nights of heavy drinking in college. As my girlfriend talked to me, I began to have trouble understanding some of the basic sentences she was saying. She helped me walk downstairs, we grabbed our things, and left to the emergency room (7 am). I called my mom crying and she let me know that it was imperative that I stay calm. My ability to speak and keep my head upright started to dwindle in the car, and as my mom prayed for me over the phone, I could no longer say the prayer with her at a certain point. My head continued to tilt to the right side as my vocabulary weakened, and my speech significantly slowed down. At this juncture, I was only able to say things slowly and with effort. I noticed my eyes had a tendency to involuntarily dart around and look at everything in the vicinity. We arrived at the ER and they had me do various tests to check for a stroke, yet I passed every test with flying colors as my symptoms started to go away. My blood pressure, heart rate, and basic vitals were fine. I had no droopiness in my features, I was able to hold both arms/legs up, smile normally, and walk in a straight line heel to toe. The doctors brought me to a room and I stayed for 10 hours, taking multiple tests. I did a CT scan, chest X Ray, blood test, and neck ultrasound to examine my blood vessels. I also did a urine test and was checked for various viruses. And everything was totally fine. The doctors let me know that I was free to go after spending the day testing, and marked it down as a panic attack induced migraine with some dizziness. They had ruled out a heart attack, cancer, blood clots, diabetes, a stroke, any blood related diseases, or damage to my lungs/brain. Everything seemed to be ok to them. So I went home to my girlfriend’s house, and needed support walking around. Immediately, I decided to quit drinking (at least for the foreseeable future), smoking, and vaping. And my appetite lessened to where I was eating less than 1000 calories a day and losing weight. My motor and speech functions started to return to normal, but when I attempted to brush my teeth with my dominant hand as I normally do at night, it felt strange. But I went to bed and slept totally fine. I also observed a consistent brain fog in the right side of my head, almost as if I were high all the time in just one half of my head.
Very early Friday morning (5/31) around 3-4 am, I noticed the same symptoms once again, save for nausea and vomiting, with everything else occurring to a significantly lesser extent. Due to nicotine withdrawals, I had not been sleeping and was exhausted. We rushed to the ER once more and took the same tests for vitals, with everything being fine once again. The doctor administered a neurological test, and to no one’s surprise, I passed with flying colors. He let me know that the one thing they had not ruled out was MS, but that I likely don’t have it. I was given the choice of waiting 5 hours for an MRI, or I could do one in my own city. The doctor reassured me that all of my tests came back negative, and that because it is not anything life-threatening, we have time to wait for an MRI. He set me up to do a telehealth appointment with the site neurologist 4 days later, and I was sent on my way with a diagnosis of dizziness. I got home, and the lymph nodes in my neck suddenly swelled up, as did those in my armpits.
As time has gone on, things have been progressively better for the most part. I’m fully walking on my own. I even resumed remote work. But the first time I tried to have sex, I was extremely fatigued after and noticed the brain fog and tingling/aching sensation on the right side of my body. This lasted for 2 hours afterward. However, I’ve been able to have sex a few times since and I’ve been fine. My night sweats have worsened, happening virtually every single night and leaving big wet spots in the sheets. I have tried sleeping with no clothes, no blanket, just a sheet, and with fans directly on me to no avail whatsoever. The left side of my neck, right side of my chest, right shoulder have remained swollen since the two attacks. Since then, my right ear (which is super red) and right armpit has swollen as of last night. I have also had a strange inability to control my emotions, getting very upset over mild things and even crying which I don’t typically do more than a few times a year and in pretty serious circumstances. I’ve had shooting pains in my left arm and in the left side of my chest, and the right side of my back has swelled up as well. The brow above my right eye has now swollen, and I’ve felt these sharp pains in addition to aches, both behind and around my right eye. And I have had the sensation that something is stuck in my eye until I blink, when there is never anything there to begin with. Additionally, I’ve observed some esotropia, where my eyes will involuntarily cross when I’m looking at something close to me. I’ve been generally constipated for a few days, and then last night, I had diarrhea and sudden nausea but did not throw up. I’ve felt very dissociated from myself and not like myself, and have had a lesser ability to empathize or think before acting/talking. Lastly, my right cheek has been swollen and aching, and I also was more sensitive to light than usual when my girlfriend turned the lights on while I was resting in her room last night. And the worst thing of all is the anxiety, the feeling that something bad is going to happen. And I have lost 10 pounds in the past month.
Since everything happened, I looked at my test results online and saw that I’m actually extremely healthy in a lot of different areas. My blood sugar, sodium, etc are totally ok. But after doing some research, I now know that TIAs do not typically show up on most medical tests or scans, but that they leave the door open for a likely stroke or seizure in the next 90 days. I want to err on the side of caution, but I’ve been at her house 2 hours away (for a while) and I’m concerned about being able to drive home tomorrow or get back in the gym. I’ve been drinking green tea as well, as I read that it can help a lot with preventing a stroke. I was hoping to get some advice and rule things out. Thank you all and I appreciate it.

I've been at my end with how things have gone for the past 1 and a half since custody was handled. We are 50/50 custody with essentially close as you can get to 50/50 Placement, its around the lines of like 47/53 or so. I've already had to bring her to court again within that time for contempt and she's was found guilty with a chance to purge. She has continued to fight me at every chance, telling me I don't take care of my child, that he's telling her things (which he isn't, he's at an age where he can tell the difference when someone is lying), he never wants to go to her place because he says he's only allowed to play in his room or play with the dog. He likes his mother's new boyfriend of the moment more than his own mom he's said.
All that said, I've in the past have had to attend to family emergencies or travel for work. I work from home, so I may leave for a few days out of the week, not often but it happens, and will eat into a day or two of my placement. That being said, my son's grandparents watch him for a day or two, during my placement. I know I don't even have to explain anything to her, but out of the sake of trying to continue to try and coparent, I do let her know. I've recently had some family health complications, my family is kind of spread out and my parents are not in a position in which they can travel, so as the eldest in my family and the only one financially able to, I offer to go in their stead to help sort things out. Most recently one of my family members, an Aunt, has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer and they're having trouble dealing with everything is becoming a lot for them.
I'm now being fought, like any other time, being told that I'm abandoning my son, when I would love to bring him, but he's still a bit young to see someone in that state and I know they'd rather not have too many people see them in that state as well. I've dealt with push back and aggression on her end for everything, meanwhile she's constantly dropping our son off by me early, asking to take him early because she is leaving for family in Chicago. I agree without any complaints or questions, only for her to turn around and act as if the world is collapsing when I let her know our son will be at his grandparents for a day or two. She can't watch him during my time because she fought for specific things like first refusal and only family to watch him, which I have no problem with because again, my parents have been very involved in my son's life, having almost watched him everyday of his life while I was working 60 hours weeks, and his mom decided she did not want to be a mother for 2 years.
I really don't know what to do at this point, I have countless documented accounts of harassment, straight up insanity being texted to me, and its always an argument. That being said, when she was held in contempt and they suggested we go back to mediation, she sat and lied through her teeth about everything, her availability, her work, schedules, and when I tried to point it out, the mediator said that we're not here to point out inconsistencies or punish her despite being held in contempt. Meanwhile, my son continues to suffer at the hands of his mother, consistently interrogating him about what he did with Dad, information on who I am dating, trying to get my son to lie about how he's being treated while in my car.
I know this is also all one side of the story coming from me, but I can assure you that I am in no way harming my son, not taking care of him, spending time with him, etc. I would take him with me on trips, but every time his mom freaks out and demands he not go anywhere (despite for the most part not being able to say anything, I just take the path of least resistance because I don't want her to involve our son like she started to after not getting her way). I am just a dad trying to do his best to provide a healthy environment for my son and set him up for success and its becoming increasingly more difficult as his mom continues to make life hell for the both of us. I am in the mindset that coparenting is needed and what is best, especially since his own mother was raised in a turbulent environment where her dad did not want to take part in their life and her mom was a drug addict.
Forgive the long amount to read, I just don't know what to do at this point, because she continues to navigate just enough to avoid crossing the line as she's been told she is held in contempt again she's going to jail. The judge expressively said he does not want to see her back in court again, just an example of the level of crazy she's gone. But I feel like every attempt to get her to actually face consequences for her behavior fall on deaf ears because the family court services outside of the judge, aren't interested in seeing that my son has expressed him not wanting to be at his moms because of he feels and is treated there. As well as just the inability to call her out for her obvious lies with provided proof.

I have been experiencing a wide range of symptoms and am worried that I might have uterine/endometrial cancer, but my doctor won't take my symptoms seriously. I don't want to jump to the worst-case scenario, but I also don't want to ignore a potentially serious problem. What do I do??
BACKSTORY:
I have always had heavy/painful periods and cramps, but in the past few years, they have been getting worse. About 4-5 years ago, I started having about 1-inch wide blood clots consistently throughout my period as well as a dull aching pain in my right ovary area. I had an internal and external ultrasound done and both came back clear. However, these clots have gotten MUCH larger in the past year and are now about the size of a golf ball on average, and sometimes as large as half of my palm. My periods are VERY heavy now and I have about a dozen of these clots per day.
In October of 2023, I started spotting almost every day for a month and went to a walk-in clinic to ask for more testing as I do not have a family doctor. I also told him about the blood clots and pain. The (older male) doctor told me "I shouldn't worry about it" and that it was "probably stress". Frustrated, I went to another walk-in clinic and wrote down ALL of my symptoms ahead of time so that I wouldn't forget anything. AGAIN, this (male) doctor told me "it's probably nothing", but finally agreed to send me for a transvaginal ultrasound after I pushed for testing.
The waitlist in Canada is very long for these procedures, so their next appointment was in February of 2024. They found evidence of a possible polyp and sent me for a sonohysterogram in March where they found "lots of polyps all over, swollen ovaries, and likely PCOS" according to the doctor who relayed the results to me.
When I asked what I can do and what my next steps should be, he told me that there was "basically nothing we can do" and that he'd refer me to a gynecologist but that I'd "probably never get an appointment because the health care system in Canada is broken" (his words). By this point, it had already been about 5 months since my first appointment, and I had been spotting/bleeding almost every day since then. I was super frustrated about his attitude, but left feeling at least relieved that he'd be sending my information over to a gynecologist and I'd be done dealing with him.
About 2 weeks ago (late May 2024), I called the office back as I STILL hadn't heard anything from the referral in March. They told me that they DID send the referral in March but that they just hadn't heard back. Then a week ago I was in so much pain during my period that I nearly threw up and ended up passing a HUGE blood clot so we called again to check in on the referral and they told me that the referral had been denied/rejected....?!?! I suspect that it was never sent in the first place, but they have assured me that they have "re-sent" it now. I can't imagine why it would be denied as I feel like my symptoms are reason for alarm.
The symptoms I'm currently experiencing are:

• spotting or bleeding most days since October 2023
• uterine/abdominal pain/cramping almost daily (not just on my period)
• full/heavy feeling in my lower abdomen
• daily bloating/frequent nausea
• about 50lb mostly unintentional weight loss within the last year (I was 250 pounds and am now 200, so the doctor only sees the weight loss as a positive thing)
• bleeding after sex
• pain and discomfort during sex (in my uterus/abdomen area)
• multiple uterine polyps "with vascularity" (diagnosed in the sonohysterogram)
• swollen ovaries
• dizziness/blacking out (but never passing out) when I stand up
• fatigue
• achy pain from my pelvis down my thighs (that gets worse when I have my period)
• heavy periods with lots of large blood clots

On top of this, I have never been pregn@nt and they suspect that I have PCOS, both of which I know increase your chances of polyps being cancerous.
It has now been about 9 months since my first appointment and my symptoms feel like they are getting worse. I am starting to feel super defeated because these doctors keep telling me not to worry, but I feel like something is seriously wrong and that it will continue getting worse the longer this process takes. Am I just overreacting? What else could this be? Are the doctors right that it's "probably nothing" and I'm stressed for no reason? What do I do?!

I have been experiencing a wide range of symptoms and am worried that I might have uterine/endometrial cancer, but my doctor won't take my symptoms seriously. I don't want to jump to the worst-case scenario, but I also don't want to ignore a potentially serious problem. What do I do??
BACKSTORY:
I have always had heavy/painful periods and cramps, but in the past few years, they have been getting worse. About 4-5 years ago, I started having about 1-inch wide blood clots consistently throughout my period as well as a dull aching pain in my right ovary area. I had an internal and external ultrasound done and both came back clear. However, these clots have gotten MUCH larger in the past year and are now about the size of a golf ball on average, and sometimes as large as half of my palm. My periods are VERY heavy now and I have about a dozen of these clots per day.
In October of 2023, I started spotting almost every day for a month and went to a walk-in clinic to ask for more testing as I do not have a family doctor. I also told him about the blood clots and pain. The (older male) doctor told me "I shouldn't worry about it" and that it was "probably stress". Frustrated, I went to another walk-in clinic and wrote down ALL of my symptoms ahead of time so that I wouldn't forget anything. AGAIN, this (male) doctor told me "it's probably nothing", but finally agreed to send me for a transvaginal ultrasound after I pushed for testing.
The waitlist in Canada is very long for these procedures, so their next appointment was in February of 2024. They found evidence of a possible polyp and sent me for a sonohysterogram in March where they found "lots of polyps all over, swollen ovaries, and likely PCOS" according to the doctor who relayed the results to me.
When I asked what I can do and what my next steps should be, he told me that there was "basically nothing we can do" and that he'd refer me to a gynecologist but that I'd "probably never get an appointment because the health care system in Canada is broken" (his words). By this point, it had already been about 5 months since my first appointment, and I had been spotting/bleeding almost every day since then. I was super frustrated about his attitude, but left feeling at least relieved that he'd be sending my information over to a gynecologist and I'd be done dealing with him.
About 2 weeks ago (late May 2024), I called the office back as I STILL hadn't heard anything from the referral in March. They told me that they DID send the referral in March but that they just hadn't heard back. Then a week ago I was in so much pain during my period that I nearly threw up and ended up passing a HUGE blood clot so we called again to check in on the referral and they told me that the referral had been denied/rejected....?!?! I suspect that it was never sent in the first place, but they have assured me that they have "re-sent" it now. I can't imagine why it would be denied as I feel like my symptoms are reason for alarm.
The symptoms I'm currently experiencing are:

• spotting or bleeding most days since October 2023
• uterine/abdominal pain/cramping almost daily (not just on my period)
• full/heavy feeling in my lower abdomen
• daily bloating/frequent nausea
• about 50lb mostly unintentional weight loss within the last year (I was 250 pounds and am now 200, so the doctor only sees the weight loss as a positive thing)
• bleeding after sex
• pain and discomfort during sex (in my uterus/abdomen area)
• multiple uterine polyps "with vascularity" (diagnosed in the sonohysterogram)
• swollen ovaries
• dizziness/blacking out (but never passing out) when I stand up
• fatigue
• achy pain from my pelvis down my thighs (that gets worse when I have my period)
• heavy periods with lots of large blood clots

On top of this, I have never been pregn@nt and they suspect that I have PCOS, both of which I know increase your chances of polyps being cancerous.
It has now been about 9 months since my first appointment and my symptoms feel like they are getting worse. I am starting to feel super defeated because these doctors keep telling me not to worry, but I feel like something is seriously wrong and that it will continue getting worse the longer this process takes. Am I just overreacting? What else could this be? Are the doctors right that it's "probably nothing" and I'm stressed for no reason? What do I do?!

Bonjour à tous,
Je vois un certain nombre de sujets où on "collectionne" les infos de crédits immobiliers sur ce forum. Mais ça ne veut jamais dire grand chose, vu la volatilité historique des taux récents.
Il y a quelques sites qui font des "benchmarks" (pour vendre du courtage derrière), mais je n'arrive pas à me rendre compte de la fiabilité de la chose. Il y a quelques banques qui donnent un chiffre après simulation, mais je ne sais pas si c'est une borne haute ou basse de ce qu'ils font sur "ce type" de profil.
TL;DR : si une banque me fait une proposition entre "très bon taux" et "taux excellent" sur Meilleur Taux, est-ce-qu'il y a un quelconque intérêt à s'embêter à faire le tour des banques / aller voir un courtier ? Est-ce-qu'une simulation vite faite sur Pretto / Meilleur Taux me permet de calibrer mon "attente" en terme de taux ?
PS : pour des raisons assez évidentes, je n'ai pas grand chose à faire du prix de l'assurance ;).

I was in fifth grade when I became friends with a classmate (I'll call her M). We did everything together and I was ALWAYS there to guide her when her father's wife got cancer and her dog died. I visited her regularly and she visited me regularly. Everything went normally and we hardly ever had an argument. In the next school year we got a new classmate (I'll call her S). When S had introduced herself, she sat down in one of the empty seats at the back of the class. Since we had double tables, there was still a seat next to S available, so the teacher asked us if someone wanted to sit next to S to help her find her way around school better. M spoke up and sat down next to S. That wasn't a problem for me, even though M had assured me the day before school started that we would sit next to each other. S became the friends of M and me quickly. We did a lot together for a few months (going swimming, shopping, etc.). After that I noticed that they both did less and less with me and at some point I wasn't invited to anything anymore (but of course I was still the one who gave them both mental support). I tried to invite them both to more (overnight stays) and their gifts for their birthdays became very expensive (I thought if I bought them a lot of things they would like me more) but I was still like a log leading them both. I gave up and distanced myself from both of them. About 4 months after that, S was sick for a while and M noticed me again and asked ME why I was distancing myself so much so I told her that it felt like I was just a drag on the two of them and I thought that she didn't like me anymore. After that there was silence. Then M herself admitted that that was her goal. I asked her why she would do something like that and that if she didn't like me anymore she could have unfriended me. M then said nothing more and I was kicked out of all the friend groups we had. Of course I was disappointed that she didn't tell me why she wanted to get rid of me or what made her do it. I asked her several times if I had done something wrong but she didn't say another word to me. I once asked S if she knew something but she didn't answer me. It's been six years now and I have a different and better group of friends (there are seven of us). But the topic came up again recently because one of my friends, who was already in my class at the time, mentioned it. I did my best to explain it to everyone without badmouthing M and S. So am i the AH for not talking to M and S anymore?

I made a post yesterday. Long story short, my dog had cancer and this last week he was getting weaker. Thursday I talked with my mom about proceed to put him to sleep, since my whole family was against it for religious reasons.
Yesterday I went to the vet to make an appointment, but it was closed. Okay I leave it for Monday - that's what I thought.
Today morning my sweet little baby sit in his bed, that means it was food time. He ate, drank his water, and then he lay down again, but every now and then he would make this crying sound. My dad couldn't hear this any longer and even got out of the house for the whole day.
I found one vet that was open, it was in a small city, the vet office is actually a room in a family house. I took my baby there, he was already with his paws cold, very weak, but was still able to to eat any Treats, that goofball.
He's gone, it hurts me that his last hours was in pain, but it's over for him. I can't stop crying and have a fckn headache.
I just want to say thank you for everyone in this community, I read all the answers from yesterday even if I didn't reply to all of them. You guys sharing your stories, made me feel hugged, supported, took away the guilty from me and assured me I was doing the right thing.
Thank you guys.

My mom is my childcare. She has been in the hospital with my sister, who for the past almost 3 weeks is trying to recover from a botched surgery that almost killed her.
I've been under an extreme amount of stress lately. I work full time (thankfully WFH), am the sole caretaker for my 8.5 month old, and am basically a part-time interpreter and secretary for my husband who doesn't speak English. My best friend died from cancer late last year. My sister has been in between life and death for the past couple of weeks. My husband's immigration situation is uncertain.
My husband is an older, central European guy. You know, the kind who doesn't smile in photos, ever. Might go without saying that he's not a lot of help in the emotional support department. My son is a beam of light and my only consistent source of joy. Tall order for someone who isn't even a year old yet. So I have been itching to restart therapy. Made an appointment with someone who looked promising. I was so excited for this appointment. Felt like it was the first step in feeling better.
When I made the appointment, I let them know that I don't have childcare right now because my sister is so sick and my mom is there with her. The receptionist assured me it'd be no problem to bring my baby - she pushed me to take an appointment the following day. I wasn't sure about this, so I confirmed. Twice. "Are you sure that the therapist is okay with me bringing him?" I was reassured that absolutely - he would not mind at all - he loves kids. I think you can see where this is going.
I show up to the appointment. Therapist seems... off somehow. Keeps looking at my baby, but not in an adoring way. Says he wouldn't have agreed to the appointment had he known I'd be bringing him. I stammer out that I'm sorry - I confirmed with the receptionist twice. No worries, I'm told. He wouldn't have agreed to the appointment. But he's really glad I'm here.
We talk for half an hour. Baby starts squirming. He's tired of being held. I ask if it's okay to let him down on the floor right next to me - I won't let him go anywhere else. Therapist is clearly uncomfortable. I know right away this isn't a match. Still, I don't know how to end the appointment and leave. So instead, I sit through an hour of traumatic, highly personal questions, knowing full well I won't come back here. I relive my two miscarriages. Emotional abuse. A tornado I lived through that killed many people in my town, including someone close to me. Therapist makes several comments throughout about all the reasons he doesn't allow babies at appointments.
Session ends. "I'm sorry about my baby," I say. I apologized for my son being present after I was told he could be. My beautiful son. Why the fuck am I sorry about him? Idk. But I say it anyway.
Left the appointment in tears. Guess I'm back to square one. I'm scared to even try after that demeaning experience.
Night ended in sister rushed to another emergency surgery. Fuck.

Hi Charlotte,
I'm here looking for some advice on anger release and some advice on how to manage some inner conflict of whether I am an AH.
I had a high risk surgery recently for a tumor (march this year) in my right ovary. This is my third tumor and during my last surgery, I lost my left ovary. I love children and couldnt see my future without a child. I was devastated at the slightest possibility that i could lose this ovary. I went into a complete spiral and was exploring option after option and doctor after doctor hoping for someone to give me a different diagnosis. I was not able to eat or sleep for almost 2 weeks.
I had ths friend (lets call her P) who called me her bestie, frequently came to home to complain about her husband and her in laws and how she was very pressured and her fights with her husband (lets call him N). I always picked her up and told her how amazing she was. I always made her feel like a goddess whenever she was down (which was a lot) but i always thought maybe she is more sensitive than I am. I always showered her with compliments all the time because I thought she was a great person who was going through a lot. Her husband P started coming down too. They came down at times in the late hours of the night some times even at 2am. This was very frequent sometimes everyday for a week, and sometimes a few times a month. The couple would borrow my laptop for weeks, car for days and use my house as their own to throw parties and call their friends as they pleased. I was happy to share with my things with my friends but they never hesitated to ask. I thought that they were friends and extremely supportive of each other.
When I got my medical diagnosis I saw that P was kind of annoyed. Then she started acting suddenly busy so I started to contact her less. I was in a state of complete panic and she told me that maybe I should see a professional. After that I didnt call her much But she still was calling every few days and would check up on me. She also told me that she if she were in my shoes she would just remove her whole uterus and be done with it. She is not sure about having kids so I assumed that may not be a big deal for her. I knew that they didnt quite understand but I thought P reaching out to me was her way of showing support. The day of surgery arrived and in panic i decided to cancel the day off and told my friends I was not going through with it and would like to explore other options because I was scared but when I went to the hospital the doctor assured me that if organ removal was required they would abandon surgery but to at least let them try get the tumor out since my family has a history of ovarian cancer.
I went through with the surgery and my doctor was able to remove the tumor without removing my right ovary and I was overjoyed. I didnt tell either of them that I had gone through with it since it was a last minute discussion but P called that day to check up on me so i told her the good news. She said she wanted to come see me in the hospital. I told her she didnt need to do that since I was fine and that she had done enough but she insisted saying that she wanted to so I gave her the details of the room and hospital. Next day N called me to come and see me but I was getting discharged so I asked him not to come either but he insisted too so I said ok.
After I was out of the hospital, I was excited and wanted to celebrate so I asked a few friends to come over and celebrate. N and P didnt show up. I found it odd since they did show cold concern while I was going through all this mess. I didnt hear from them after.
About a week after surgery I thanked them for their support and they left me a cryptic message saying I lied about something and they couldnt let it go. I asked what it was and they said they didnt want my explanation so they wouldnt tell me what was wrong. I felt so guilty about doing something to people who cared for me that I was stressed for a month. I also made two back to back posts because I didnt know what was happening. This is days after my surgery and I was still wounded and in a lot of pain. All my surgeries were not yet concluded and I still had another one to go through. I was so torn up about doing something awful to the people who had showed up for me in this time. I felt very guilty and started overthing all that I had said or done and couldnt put my finger on anything that could warrant this kind of reaction. I was stressed so much about this that I started to get physical symtoms of stress and my doctors started asking me to relax and rest.
After my surgeries were done and I started catching up with my other friends and I told them that they were supportive but I felt bad because I did something and I dont know what it is. Apparently N and P had been talking behind my back saying I made it all up for attention. They were at the hospital. I was taken aback. Theres more, N had been saying that my condition was putting P in depression because she wants to have a child in the future and my condition was putting doubts in her head. My peer group were very disturbed by the stuff that they were saying about me and asked me to stay away from them for all the things they said.
P was not well recieved by my peer group except for her husband who has supported her bad behaviour in the past too. By bad behaviour I mean hurling insults (to him and his family), saying bad things about his recently deceased mother. They also laughed and told me about an instance where he was late one night and she threw the brand new phone (not even a day old) he gave her against the wall repeatedly till it was absolutely ruined. They laughed about it. This should have been my cue to leave but i just looked over it making excuses for her. I am furious at the pretence and the guilt trip and shame I carried for days. After this I decided to block them giving them both. Just a silent block. But I am so so angry. I want to know the best way to process anger without saying or doing anything to them.
Just for context, her husband comes from a broken home where his father alwas shut his mother down and he is determined to become the "best husband ever" so he doesn't find anything wrong with anything she does regardless of what she does. He is mostly her lip man and doesn't even confront her for anything he wants to do. He has a lot of secrets like where he went or that he was drinking. I know because he used to tell me since I always thought of him as a big brother. He sneaks around behind her back like a child. He completely abandoned me after the diagnosis. I found it odd later but I was too preoccupied to notice it at the time.
The inner conflict I have is because I live in the same apartment complex as a lot of their friends. (not mine I never got along with them). They visit very often and I am conflicted on whether to be furious or completely unaffected since chances of running into them is high. I dont know how to deal with this or if I am the asshole for blocking them.
All Advice welcome.

I don't know how to feel about the entire situation and would like to get 3rd person's perspective.
I met my bf in 2020 right when covid hit. We were both 25M 25F then. We were both new in a different country and that bonded us. We were together throughout covid and actually moved in too soon (within 1 month). I was not sure if I wanted to be in a serious long term relationship at that point as I wanted to explore in a new country and had also just gotten out of a relationship a few months ago. I told that to my bf and he assured me that he is okay taking it slow but he was too much into it. He would always go over the top and do things for me. This would make me feel guilty because I was not at the same place in the relationship and I would often lose my shit over it and try to end the relationship over minor inconveniences. Quarantine was also a difficult time in a new country with no other support system and family so I eventually grew emotionally dependent on him and accepted the relationship (after 6-10 months). We had our issues but he was always very calm to deal with things and never lost his temper on me whereas I would often get angry at small things and blame him for things. He was always insecure about the fact that I was looking at the relationship as long term as he was and I thought I was doing m best. All my close friends knew about him and we were living together - what else. I was headstrong and not willing to adjust on certain things and situation. I would like to accept that I was immature enough and didn't realise that I was not treating him like a permanent person in my life and did my fair share of mess ups. But I was always honest and upfront about things. Never hid anything or lied about any part of my life. After 1.5 years or so I even started adjusting more and making even more efforts to change my ways to be with him. Compromised more, tried to understand his perspective more and appreciate him more. We were even thinking of telling our families at this point. We moved cities together to start new jobs.
16 months in -I had never looked at his phone or laptop or any personal belongings. I always had unquestionable trust because I knew he was so much into me he could never do anything wrong. He was more than an ideal bf in terms of making effort and making me feel safe and special and always respected me in every way possible. We were out one day and I took his phone to send myself some pictures and saw his ex gfs chat on top of his WhatsApp. I did not react at that time since we were in a public place and waited for him to tell me since he had seen me look at it. He never came to speak to me about it and later when I saw the chat was also deleted from his phone. When I asked hom a week later he said he was reaching out to 'give her closure' as his cousin back in his home country had recently met her and told him that she was still not over the relationship and how it ended (because of long distance). It seemed shady and I made a huge deal about it but eventually forgave him since it was the first time something like this was happening. He also said the chat got deleted when he was blocking her. I let it go and we moved on. At around 20 months in, one day something flipped inside me. I randomly opened his laptop to find his WhatsApp chat open with another girl that he had claimed to be his ex gf. Later on it turns out he never dated her but wanted to show me that he has dated pretty girls so lied about dating her. Turns out this was his friend from uni and they had been talking on and off since the last 20 months of our relationship. He was cracking vulger jokes with her when I was grieving the death of my dog. he would call her when I was out for work (he was ALWAYS working from home). Most of the conversation was innocent but there were some flirty texts here and there. What hurt me was the fact that I had no idea about this person in his life that he spoke to so often and always behind my back. I asked him to pack his bags and leave at 2am in the middle of a snow storm. This happened in early 2022. I was heartbroken and so angry. I knew he had nowhere to go and knew no one in the city but I was so hurt I did not know what to do at that point. He left and somehow managed to find a place at his co worker's friend's apartment who was on vacation.
He asked to meet me after 3-4 days when my anger had subsided. I met him and he confessed that he had been looking at my phone since we started dating. He was reading all my texts between my best friends back home and everything I was discussing with my friends. Now mind you I moved to a new country right before the pandemic and have no friends. So my only support system is my group of best friends back home and I have known some of those ppl since decades. I have overshared things with them (which was probably my fault idk) and this guy has read everything. He would check my phone after I would fall asleep and has violated my privacy. This means he knows when I am thinking what and has acted in ways that was convenient for him. He knows how I have felt about situations and incidents because I have shared that with my girlfriends from school and university and he knows what advise they have given me. When I have had arguments with my friends he has acted very smartly to behave in a way that is favourable to him. I have also had some fallouts with some ppl during this time and I went in a loop if all the things that happened was because of him. He was my point physical point of contact throughout 2020-2021-2022 and his presence has obviously influenced my life heavily since he was the only person physically around me.
He goes on to tell me how heartbroken he has been to be with me all those times. Yet h e stayed because I was not the person he saw on texts. He read the times I would talk to my friends and bitch about something he did. Or when I would discuss how I am not 100% sure about him. basically all my dark thoughts. all post fight conversations with my friends. He sais he has cried so many times reading how I have spoken about him. I felt terrible because I had truly said some terrible things about him. None of these conversations were between me and any guy. This was all between me and my girlfriends. He had shown concerns about the fact that I was friends with mt exes (even a v close friend who i dated for 2 months in 2013 and we realised we are better off as friends and had been besties since then and he was dating someone else). He said he is not comfortable with me talking to anyone that I have ever been intimate with and so I had reduced speaking to guys in my life. Only a few friends but never shared a lot of relationship issues with them. Only my girls. in too much detail. I felt terrible about it. I thought about how I dont even remember half the shit I had said about him early on in the relationship and felt guilt af. He said he knew he was wrong to have invaded my privacy but he loved me so much and wanted to make it work so bad that he couldn't stop. He thought I would grow and realise and change and he said he noticed how I was getting serious. but in doing this he said his mental health was in the bin and he could not help himself. He just wanted to be the best person in my life and he was ready to do whatever he could to be that. He then went on to tell me his personal issues with himself and how he was always compared to his younger brother growing up who was smarter than him and how he felt unloved and unappreciated by his family. How he was always trying to prove his worth to ppl and all he wanted was to feel loved. Which made him do what he did. I asked him if there was something else I didn't knew and he said no. He apologised with the most sincere apology possible and I forgave him. I thought I was wrong as well and how he has always been so kind and loving towards me. Always respected me. gone over and beyond to make me happy. celebrated every little thing about me and only wanted the best for me. How he has helped me when I got panic and anxiety attacks and motivated me to do better over the years and put me infront of him and his needs ALWAYS. We decided to work on the relationship and do better this time. This is Feb 2022.
Cut to one month later and I have become more careful now. We are trying to make things work. He has new issues because I have told all my friends about what he did after I made him leave the apartment at 2am and now he is insecure about how my friends, who have such a big influence on me, see him. And they hate him. I said a lot of mean and rude and disrespectful shit to him when he was leaving that night and he has issues with the things I said when I was angry. (Yes ai agree they were v v mean. Things like "I was settling with you anyways. I can do better" and " I hope you have a daughter someday and then you realise what you have done to me" "I hope your family suffers" ) There are new issues to be dealt with and we are struggling but still trying to figure it out. One day I wake up to get ready to go to work and his phone is next to me. I open it and start scrolling. He had told me a year ago he is off all social media because its a waste of time and he wants to focus on his life and make money etc etc. I do not find anything on his phone. It is wiped clean. I am about to keep it down but I just open up his imesseges and start scrolling. Nothing here. literally 5 seconds before I am about to put it down I see the "verification code" for a DATING APP!!! I redownload multiple apps and find his profiles on it. MULTIPLE APPS. Those profiles are from 2021 summer. When we were having a rough patch. There is not much on there just small talks but then I see him asking this girl to connect on IG. I then find his alternate social media profiles where he is not that active but they are profile nonetheless. I find chats from 2020 year end (when we were 6 months int dating) and he is talking to some girl i have no idea about like he is single. He had hooked up with her before we met and is telling her how he craves companionship (while he is dating me lmao). I am shocked but I do not respond like I did last time. I calmly wake him up and show him what I found. He has nothing to say to me. I tell him to find a new place and move out by the end of the week and that it is over.
He makes arrangements to leave and go back to the other city from where he moved to live with me back in 2020. He has one week and he tries everything to make it up to me. He cries and apologises and gives reasoning. He explains how it was his mental health and he only wanted to feel loved and he was not feeling that with me. He says he never met anyone and as I must have noticed it was just small talk. I am not convinced. Instead I now know there is more to this shit. i started keeping my old phone's recorder on while leaving for work at 8:30 and would come back at 6:30 and listen to what happened while I was gone. I find him talking to his guy friends in a completely different way than I knew him. His friend advising him to just cry and beg me to forgive him and him saying how fucking headstrong I am and I need to understand the reasoning behind every action before I can even think about forgiving him. How I do not have the capacity to understand blah blah. He is also accepting how he has majorly fucked up and there is nothing that can be done at this point. It's like he is a different personality with this guy he is talking to. in 20 months I had never seem him talk like this. Somehow a week goes by and he leaves. I am heartbroken and destroyed. I am crying and somehow making it through each day. I still don't have any friends or support system in this city. It had been 3 years since I left home and I decide to go back to visit my family.
I come back feeling a little better.
Cut to May 2022. He starts calling me up and apologising again. Says he is ready to do anything and everything possible to make this work and accepts everything and how he fucked things up and has realised his fault. He literally emails chapter long messages - apologising and trying to make me understand his view and how he has loved me and how his intention was never to hurt me but my actions made him so such things. How he has insecurities and because I did not treat him well and he felt unloved he did all this.
I am not convinced and I am just trying to figure my life out. A month later my brother is diagnosed with cancer back home. I am all alone and my employer does not let me go back. My immigration status is at stake and my parents tell me to stay where I am and prepare for my bar exams and that they will take care of it. They say it is not life threatening and he will get better then come to me for further studies - after his treatment. Now I have to clear the bar and get a better job so when my brother comes I am ready for him and to sustain him. I have to save money and get a better place and get my license so I can take care of my brother after his surgery and treatment. I am completely alone and broken. I am helpless because I can't go back and I dont know what to do here in this country when my family needs me but my entire life and career and last 3 years are at stake and I can not leave either.
I cave in to this guy again and forgive him for my own selfish reasons. He supports me like never before. He takes the next flight to be with me and take care of me. He stays with me and makes sure I am eating properly and reassures me when I am losing my shit. He was always good at that. He was always the perfect bf on face. It was the shit he did behind my back. I do not trust him but I let him stay. End of 2022 I fail the bar and he is there. he supports me. He is there for me throughout. He is all I had so I let him stay. He gets a chance to make it upto me. He tries to be as transparent as possible this time.
2023 my brother gets better. I study for the bar again and pass this time. He cries with me when I open my result and pass because he as seen how hard I worked and how difficult it was for me to do this while my family was back home dealing with so much. I get a better job. He helps me move. I am not financially dependent on him. I never was since 2020. It is the emotional dependency.
Now he thinks we are trying to fix things and make it work but I can just never trust him. That trust is gone. Absolute 0. He is still trying. He is of the opinion that what happened was both of our fault and it was because we were 25 year old immature kids who didn't know any better. Throughout 2023 I give him a lot of shit over my trust issues and he 90% of the time takes it. Anything happens and I am ready to end the relationship. He somehow still manages.
Now August 2023 it has been 1.5 years of us trying to fix things. He wats to tell his family about us as they are pushing him to get married (Indian culture). I tell him I do not 100% trust him and need more time. We are having this discussion and he starts telling me things he needs me to change about myself if we are to move ahead. Things like how I sometimes react. Things like my smoking habit. Now I am not a chain smoker and have quit multiple times. I smoke a joint at the end of the day to sleep. I also realise it later that it is an escape for me and I do not smoke when I am around my family and loved ones. I tell him he has nothing to worry about. I have a family of my own and I know how to handle elders. Obviously I am not going to expose his family to my smoking habits. he always said that the thing he loves the most about me is how I am with my family and how I handle relations. I am v close to me family and have a bond with even long distance relatives. Now suddenly he is saying the opposite.
The discussion gets heated and ends with him saying "you have to quit smokeing for ever. i am not okay with u smoking at all. not even rarely or once a month". I am shocked because he has known about my smoking since we met. He used to sometimes smoke with me. Now suddenly it has become a deal breaker for him. And his reasoning is "I thought you would grow and eventually quit. We were 24-25 back then and we are 28-29 now we have to grow up and leave these things". I tell him to fuck off.
That's it we dont talk for 4 straight months. LOL
He always messeges first. He always says sorry. And specially here when he has been putting such weird allegations on me, I want for him to reach out.
When he doesn't I'm like whatever. It is hard but I dont reach out either. I move on. I download dating apps and start talking and meeting new ppl. I have been single after 3.5 years. I start exploring. I plan a solo birthday trip for myself and basically try to just move on. It was hard but I am too headstrong. In the meantime my brother gets better and comes to the country I am in. So I get busy with him and helping him settle. I am making sure he is comfortable and I am providing him with everything I can. he should not face the issues I did when I immigrated in 2019.
Now cut to December 2023 and this guy again reaches out to me. Saying he is not okay and he can not live without me. How the way he reacted was totally his fault and he has realised how wrong he was.
Now I have also met my fair share of people and honestly it is exhausting starting all over again. Meeting guys and getting disappointed back to back. So like a fool I think - we have gone through the worst of the worst together. Had the ugliest fights and seen each other at our best and worst. What more could happen? (My only issue is that when I get angry I get really mean. I say things that I know will hurt the other person. And I have done that while arguing with him a lot and I do feel guilty about those things).
So Christmas 2023 he is once again back in my life.
Now I still dont trust him and there are still issues. And I don't know if it is even worth trying. I will be turning 30 this year and there is pressure from my family to find a guy and I have been on the apps and have met ppl but it is so scary to start again and I did not find anyone in 4-6 months that we were apart.
We are still having those same issues. Still bringing up the past. Things are a bit better but issues remain. After 6 months of being understanding he is still pushing my buttons and pushing me to quit smoking in the name of "it is healthy for you only".
I don't know if I should cave in and fix it with him or just let it go. It has been 4 years now. This person has seen me at my worst and still not left my side. Yes he has made major mistakes but I have done my fair share too (not as much as him tho - who is to decide who was more wrong anyways?). There is attachment.
Since last year I have stopped sharing anything with my friends. Nobody knows we are trying to make it work because I did not want their opinion to overpower me. I wanted the relationship to just be between us and see how I feel.
On some days I think this is it and he is the best choice. We have so much history and we have come such a long way. He is just insecure and needs love. He will keep me happy or die trying. I have a tendency to be a bitch when I knew the other person is not going anywhere and I did take him for grated A LOT.
On other days I feel like wtf am I doing here with this guy? so what if I am almost 30. I can find someone new and do so much better. He is toxic and manipulative and a liar who will do anything to get his way.
At this point I don't know how I feel.
Just looking to get a neutral perspective form someone who is not getting anything out of this.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA-wife-sister
Originally posted to relationship_advice + his own page
Previous BoRUs:
BoRU #1 originally posted by u/Stepoo
BoRU #2 originally posted by u/DerMarri
BoRU #3 originally posted by u/Stephenallen1977
BoRU #4
[New Update]: My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me.
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Editor's Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, harassment, depression, mentions of cancer, emotional abuse and manipulation, body shaming issues, verbal abuse, accusations of abuse, faking cancer
RECAP
Original Post (rareddit): January 17, 2023
Sorry for how long this is, tl;dr at the bottom. As the title says, my wife’s sister made a pass at me at a recent family gathering and I have no idea what to do. For context, I think my wife “Jenna” is absolutely gorgeous but she has some really negative body image issues. This is in large part because of her sister “Mary” who is very conventionally attractive, as opposed to Jenna’s more unconventional but (imo) striking beauty.
Mary was a successful model until a couple years ago and now works in the fashion industry. In our early days of dating when I would tell Jenna she’s beautiful, she would always say “just wait until you see my sister”. When I did finally meet her family, she would randomly press me for weeks to talk about her sister, whether I thought she was more attractive than her, etc. I always told her the truth, that I think Mary is attractive in a boring way, and that I think my wife is much more beautiful and interesting to look at. She wouldn’t let it go until I confronted her about how uncomfortable it made me and asked her what was going on.
This is when she told me that she always had a chip on her shoulder about her looks because of being compared with her sister growing up. They fell into the classic “smart one/pretty one” dynamic their whole lives. She also said Mary had a habit of being flirty with all of her exes, and warned me that it would happen to me eventually. She then started sobbing and begging me to not cheat on her with her sister, to which I forcefully said I would never cheat on her with anyone, let alone her sister. I’ve been crazy about my wife since day 1 and there’s literally no woman on earth who could come close to her.
I honestly didn’t believe her about the flirting at first, I assumed it was just an extension of her insecurity, but I was wrong. Whenever we get together with my wife’s family, Mary always finds ways to touch me and make little innuendos/comments about me or my body. It’s super uncomfortable for everyone, especially my wife, and I’ve called her out on it before. She’ll cool it for a while but eventually start doing it again. It’s been six years of this, and every time it happens my wife is upset for days and I have to do a lot of reassuring.
Onto the current problem. A few days ago we were at my MIL’s birthday party, and Mary asked me to help her grab some things from the garage. As soon as we walked into the garage, she turned and pressed me up against the door with her whole body and started trying to kiss me. I immediately pushed her off and asked her what the fuck she was doing. She started giggling and saying she was just “doing what we both have been thinking” and kept insisting “you know you want to”.
I told her she was out of her mind and ran out of there. I went straight to my wife and told her we were leaving. The whole ride home she was asking me what was wrong, I wasn’t sure whether to tell her because I knew how much it was going to hurt but I also thought Mary would probably try to spin it as me making a move on her so I knew I had to just say it. I told her everything and she cried the whole way home.
For the last several days Mary has been calling and texting my wife doing exactly what I thought she would do, even telling my wife that I said she (Mary) was “the hottest girl I’ve ever seen”, which I had to assure my wife a million times that I did not and would never say even though she believes my account of the situation.
She’s been a complete wreck the last several days, she’s hardly eating, she pulls away from my touch when I try to hug her or just hold her hand, she says she feels “hideous” and “disgusting” and I don’t know what to do. This is the lowest I have ever seen her, and it hurts to see how much she’s hurting. I have no idea what to do to help her heal from this. Reddit, what should I do?
Tl;dr: My wife’s sister tried to kiss me, and this is triggering deep-set body image insecurities for my wife. How do I help her?
Relevant Comment
OOP on his in-laws enabling Mary’s behaviors and the golden child status

OOP: My in laws definitely enable her behavior, she’s the golden child, they brag about her constantly (even though my wife is literally a neuroscientist). Their mom was a pageant queen and she was their dad’s much younger trophy wife. Honestly we may have to go no contact with all of them

 
Update #1: January 19, 2023 (2 days later)
I got a few requests for updates so here it is. I first want to thank everyone so much for your advice. It was extremely helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I’m especially thankful for the folks that asked me how I was doing. I realized that I have literally never had a chance to check in with myself after these things happen, and I’ve actually been holding a lot of frustration and resentment about it all. I’ve been harassed for years and it has either been brushed off or it’s been eclipsed by the impact it has on my wife. I don’t blame her for it, but this has been a good lesson in me not burying my feelings for the sake of others, even for her.
I also want to clarify a couple of things that came up. Several people asked about how my wife’s family feels about all this, and I explained in a comment that her parents are toxic and treat Mary as the golden child, even though my wife is a freaking neuroscientist, amazingly talented musician, speaks three languages fluently and another two conversationally… my wife and her family are seriously the only people who don’t seem to understand how exceptional she is. I remember meeting one of my wife’s family friends and talking to them about her research, and they said, “oh wow, her parents just told us she works at a university.” Whereas my parents literally introduce her as “the family genius” to everyone. It makes me so fucking angry to think about how her asshole family has stolen her shine her whole life. She’s literally a Renaissance woman but all they care about is looks and money.
Some folks asked me why I would ever put myself in a situation alone with Mary given everything she’s done. I have no good answers for that other than I never thought she would actually try to do anything. That possibility just didn’t exist in my head. I realize now that I should’ve seen this would happen eventually, and that I should’ve been less concerned with keeping the peace and more concerned with shutting Mary’s shit down before it escalated to this point. Hindsight is 20/20.
Anyway, onto the update. The night I posted, I told my wife that if she wanted to try to repair her relationship with her sister I would respect that, but that I don’t feel comfortable being around her for the foreseeable future. I said Mary has obviously been deeply jealous of my wife her whole life because she is a hollow, ugly person whose entire value has an expiration date while my wife actually has substance. I said that I think her whole family is toxic and has done nothing but put her down her whole life, but that only she can decide whether she still wants them in her life.
I also told my wife that while I don’t blame her for her emotional reaction, her insecurity is something that she needs to work on for our relationship to be healthy. What Mary did was sexual assault and she’s been sexually harassing me for years, but I have consistently put aside my own feelings about this problem because of how it affects her, and that has prevented me from getting the support that I need, too. I told her that her reaction only serves to punish herself and me for her sister’s behavior, and there’s no reason to give her that kind of power. I also told her something that a commenter said that really resonated with me: the only people who have ever considered her second best are her and her family. Everyone else sees her for who she really is.
She was crying the whole time and agreed that she needed to go to therapy to work on her insecurity. We were able to find a therapist who specializes in body image/self-esteem issues to work with her individually, and we’re looking for a couples therapist too. My wife sent a message to her parents and sister that explained exactly what happened and told them she would reach out to them if she ever feels ready to repair their relationship. We blocked all of them everywhere but Mary has of course been spamming my family and our friends with nonsense, claiming I attacked her, I’m a drug addict, I abuse my wife, all kinds of bullshit that thankfully nobody believes.
My wife is still down in the dumps but I can see that things are getting a little better. She’s eating and sleeping more and she’s cuddling with me in the mornings again which is nice. Now I’m planning a surprise getaway for us this weekend. We’re going to one of our favorite places and I’m going to wine and dine her and try to make her feel like the goddamn queen she is.
I want to thank you all again for your help. You really helped me understand the severity of the problem and again, thanks for helping me connect with my own feelings about all this. Y’all are the best.
Tl;dr: Wife & I are going to therapy. We’re going no contact with her family for the foreseeable future. I’m going to woo the hell out of my wife this weekend.
Relevant Comment
OOP on how he tries to be the best husband to Jenna and enjoying life together

OOP: The only genius thing I’ve ever done is marry her. I’m a pretty average dude tbh so I have no idea how I snagged her. Sad to think her low self-esteem probably played a part but I do work hard to be a good husband every day

 
Update #2: February 1, 2023 (2 weeks later)
So I guess my original posts got reposted onto TikTok and some other subs here on Reddit so I’ve been getting tons of messages asking for updates. It feels like things are mostly settled, and I’m really hoping this will be my final update.
First I want to say that I’ve gotten so many questions about who Mary is, and I’m just not going to say. Suffice it to say that she’s never been household name famous, but she made a living solely on modeling for about a decade from what I understand, so she must have been popular enough that fashion people might know her. I really don’t know how that whole world works. But imo it doesn’t matter how many names you drop, you’re not famous if you don’t have a Wikipedia page.
Also got lots of comments that (mostly) jokingly called me a simp, and I can’t argue with that. I totally am a simp for my wife. She’s the coolest. I hope you all find a love that makes you feel this way!
Okay, I think that’s it. Here is the actual update.
My wife loved the getaway weekend, we had a blast and by the end of it she said she felt like herself again. For a few days after we got back things were really quiet, so we were hopeful that Mary had finally given up, but I felt uneasy about it all. Many of you warned me that Mary would try to interfere with my work and while I initially dismissed it, I figured I would reach out to my boss just in case. I’ve been working at the same company for almost 10 years and she’s heard me vent about Mary before so I didn’t have to explain too much. My boss just reassured me that she knows my real character and would let me know if Mary tried anything.
As you predicted, Mary did try to contact my boss a couple of days later, and the following is a recounting of what my boss told me. Apparently Mary said that I needed to be fired because I was a predator and claimed to have “proof” that I assaulted her. My boss said that was a very serious accusation to make and asked Mary to explain what proof she had. Mary claimed there was a camera that caught the whole incident, and my boss asked her to send the video. Then Mary got flustered and said the police had it, so my boss asked her to send over a copy of the police report. Then Mary said it had a lot of private information in it, so my boss asked her to redact the private information and send it over. Then Mary said she didn’t feel comfortable with that, and my boss told her that she could not take action against an employee based on word of mouth from a stranger. Then Mary shouted at her about victim blaming and hung up.
Unfortunately that was not the end of it. Last Wednesday, Mary somehow sent an email from my personal email account with a dick pic (not mine obviously) to the entire office. My best guess is that I must have left my email logged in on one of my in-laws’ devices, she’s definitely not smart enough to actually hack me. And I know this is completely beside the point, but of course she chose the weirdest-looking dick I’ve ever seen. I played team sports all my life, I’ve seen a lot of dicks, and this was something else. It’s honestly kind of funny to think about Mary Googling “gross penis” or something and sifting through hundreds of images to find juuuuuuust the right one. I had to apologize to everyone on staff and thankfully folks were surprisingly understanding. It’s actually been kind of a nice bonding experience with my coworkers, I honestly didn’t consider myself to be super well-liked in the office but it feels like everyone has been going out of their way to be kind to me and it means a lot.
Anyway, at this point it was clear we had to escalate things legally. I really wanted to avoid it but she forced my hand. My wife and I have a lawyer friend who helped us draft a cease and desist letter outlining her continued harassment and the material and emotional damage this is causing us. My wife then sent a message to Mary and my in-laws with a copy of the letter and made it very clear that we would pursue criminal and/or civil proceedings if her harassment continued. My wife’s mom then called her crying and begged her to “just let it go” and “leave Mary alone”. My wife calmly explained that Mary is the only person responsible for this whole situation, and that their parents have always enabled her awful behavior. She also said something she later regretted but I think was pretty badass: “Mary is going to stick you two in a nursing home and steal your money the minute she has the chance, and you deserve it.” After the way her mom reacted, my wife is firmly settled on cutting off her family completely.
This happened on Friday, and on Sunday Mary’s best frenemy “Anne” sent my brother a message on Facebook to say Mary is going to leave us alone and to please not sue her. I told my brother not to respond, then just sat and enjoyed the idea that Mary was out there somewhere freaking out about the potential of having to actually face the consequences of her actions. It must be such a strange feeling for her.
Since then, we haven’t heard a peep from the grapevine. It feels like things are finally starting to go back to normal. My wife is starting therapy next week and we’ll be starting couples therapy in a month or two; she wants to do some work on herself first. She’s also taking a short leave from work to rest and recharge. I’m so proud of her for standing up for herself with her family and finally putting her mental health and wellbeing first.
Thanks again for everyone who offered advice! This was a messy situation but it definitely would’ve been messier without your help.
Tl;dr: Mary tried to get me fired so we sent her a cease and desist. Now Mary’s running scared, she and my in-laws are out of our lives, and we’re doing much better without them. My wife is prioritizing her wellness and I am one proud simp.
 
Update #3: August 25, 2023 (6.5 months later)
I forgot about this account completely until today and logged in to see so many comments and messages asking for an update. It’s honestly touching to see how many people care about this situation and want the best for me and my wife.
This will be a brief update, I don’t want to make this a regular thing and the original situation has resolved enough that I am hopeful this’ll be the end of the saga.
Mary and my in laws have pretty much left us alone. My MIL still tries to contact my wife every now and then but she’s made it clear to her family that if the first words out of their mouths aren’t “I’m sorry,” she isn’t interested in a conversation.
As you can see, the past six months have made my wife a BADASS. She has done some amazing work in therapy and her confidence is growing all the time. It’s not just with her family - she’s more comfortable asserting herself at work, with strangers, with friends, etc. She’s even stopped putting up with some of my shit! To be fair that “shit” is stuff like my leaving my socks everywhere around the house, but I’m seriously proud of her for telling me to cut it out. I’m becoming a more responsible and supportive partner because she’s able to communicate her needs and expectations without feeling guilty about it. And I’m able to communicate things to her without intense emotions fully eclipsing the conversation. I didn’t mention this in my earlier posts, but my wife does struggle with rejection sensitivity even outside of her family. Often if I brought up something that I felt needed to change, her emotional reaction to feeling like she did something “wrong” would be really intense and instead of dealing with the problem, it would become about regulating her emotions. Now my wife has really good coping tools that allow her to talk about the problem without thinking she is the problem.
And the biggest update… she’s pregnant! We have a baby girl due in February. I am shitting my pants with excitement. We are going to love her so much and teach her that she is more than her beauty. She’s going to have happy parents who love each other and work through issues as a team. The toxic cycle will be broken. Jenna’s family doesn’t know and she’s not sure if/when she’ll tell them, but if she does there are going to be strong boundaries in place for how they can be a part of our daughter’s life. And it’ll start with family therapy. For now, she has one set of grandparents that will go to the end of the earth for her, and that’s more than enough. My family has been absolutely incredible in their support and their so excited for us. Things are looking better than they ever have.
That’s all folks. Thanks again for your support on this wild journey.
Tl;dr: Mary and in-laws have mostly left us alone. Jenna is a badass now. We’re having a baby and soon I’ll have two queens in my life. Captain Simp, over and out.
 
In laws (60F, 79M) are begging for forgiveness. Should my wife (35F) and I (38M) keep the door closed?: May 23, 2024 (9 months later)
Hello everyone, I have come here for advice before and you were all incredibly helpful, and I could really use some support again.
You can check my post history for the full story, but tl;dr: last year my wife (“Jenna”) and I had to make the decision to go no-contact with her whole family. Her sister (“Mary”, 30F) sexually assaulted me, in-laws defended her, and after some legal wrangling they finally left us alone. The situation wrecked my wife’s self-esteem and tested our relationship, but we made it through.
Jenna and I had our first daughter in February. She’s amazing and we’re doing great. We ended up moving away from Jenna’s home state (NY) to mine (MA) to be closer to my family, and they’ve been incredibly helpful with the baby. We have not seen Jenna’s family since cutting contact and blocking them everywhere, and we didn’t tell them about the baby.
Yesterday we received a letter in the mail from my MIL and FIL. No idea how they got our address. Apparently my FIL has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer and is being told he could be dead in weeks. In laws went on about how sorry they were for the way they handled the situation with Mary. They also apologized for the way they’ve treated my wife her whole life (again, check post history but basically Mary was the golden child and Jenna was an afterthought despite being super accomplished). They ended by saying they recently heard about the baby through the grapevine and want to meet their grandchild.
To me, the apology seemed genuine. They went into detail on what they did wrong, apologized and expressed remorse, and explained what they should have done differently. They said they hoped to earn our forgiveness with time and were willing to do family therapy to heal our relationship.
Jenna is not having it. She feels like it’s too little too late and doesn’t want to respond. She also suspects that they’re lying about FIL’s cancer and just want to pressure us into reconciliation so they can meet the baby. It seems ludicrous but I guess I wouldn’t put it past them.
I want to respect my wife’s feelings around this, but I’m worried that if the cancer is real, she may regret not taking this opportunity for reconciliation before he dies. I expressed this to her but she is adamant and I haven’t broached the topic since.
My instinct is to wait a few more days until the shock wears off to talk about it again. I just don’t know what the best way to approach it would be. I certainly don’t want to force my wife to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but I feel like she’s not thinking clearly about this right now. It also must be noted that our baby is still struggling with sleep and we’re both tired and emotional all the time, so I feel like this might be influencing how she feels about all this.
What should I do here? Should I try again or just let it be?
Tl;dr: In-laws are attempting to reconcile after claiming FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Wife does not want to consider it but I am worried she will regret it later on.
Edit: People, stop being mean to me. I too am tired and emotional and my feelings are getting hurt. I am not forcing my wife to do anything. I brought it up one time. I know this is not about me. I don’t personally care either way, I just want to support my wife. I intend to tell her I am here to listen/talk about it if she wants to but I fully support her decisions around this. She has a great therapist she trusts and I’ll be here to support her however I can.
Relevant Comments
OOP on respecting his wife’s decisions on how she wants to deal with the possible family health situation if it’s real

OOP: To be clear, I will absolutely respect whatever decision she makes. I just feel like the news is so fresh and we’re in such an emotionally complex place as it is that she may not be thinking clearly about it. A similar situation happened to a friend of mine and he regretted it for years, actually turned to alcohol pretty hard for a while after. My wife has worked really hard to improve her mental health and I worry about how the regret might set her back. Although I suppose if her family is actually lying/manipulating us that would set her back too. I just don’t know. Would it be terrible to bring it up again in a few days just to see if she feels differently?
Edit: I’ve also thought about asking my parents to take the baby for a couple of days so we can get away and recharge. Maybe just getting my wife in a better headspace would allow her to think things through more carefully/less reactively

OOP receiving advice on letting his wife lead the way of dealing with her family. She knows what her family is like all her life

OOP: This was really helpful, thank you so much. I will give it time and let her lead the way.
I hadn’t thought about that “earn it with time” thing — like if he actually is about to die what time are they talking about? And reading from other people that this is a common manipulation tactic makes me feel more strongly that my wife’s instinct about them lying is correct

OOP on letting his wife make decisions and don’t bring their daughter into the mix

OOP: I would never do this. Not sure what part of “I would never force my wife to do anything she doesn’t want to do” isn’t getting through to people, but I would never betray her like that. I’ve never gone behind her back and never will, we make decisions as a team and this is her call. I don’t personally care if we never see them again, it isn’t about me, I came here for advice on how to support my wife and hold space for her to talk about it. All I care about is her being okay.

 

----NEW UPDATE----

Update: In laws (60F, 79M) are begging for forgiveness. Should my wife (35F) and I (38M) keep the door closed?: June 1, 2024
Hey everyone. Thanks for the comments on my last post, they were really helpful (some were a little mean, but Reddit is what it is). Things have taken a disappointing turn but we have some answers and we’re working through it.
First, my wife was right. The cancer story was bullshit. They were just trying to manipulate us. The same night I wrote my last post, I just let my wife know that I was here to listen if she wanted to talk about any of it but that I would always support her no matter what she decided. She thanked me and I didn’t bring it up again. She had her therapy session and afterwards said she wanted to talk. She said she wanted to get more information before making any decisions. She reached out to a trusted mutual connection and asked them to discretely find out if the cancer was real. They reported back to say my FIL appeared healthy, my in laws are apparently planning a European vacation for August, and they’re telling people we are going with them. Connection was also able to confirm Mary is supposed to go on this trip along with her new boyfriend (much older rich finance guy, shocker) and that my in laws have not told anyone about what happened with me and Mary last year, they just told people we moved away for work.
Obviously, at this point, any possibility of reconciliation was gone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jenna angrier than when we found all of this out. Just the utter gall of them lying about something like terminal cancer to manipulate my wife into forgiveness. I’m still amazed they would stoop so low, but it was eye-opening to see comments on my last post talking about how common it is. They even call it “Christmas cancer”. Some people just have no shame.
Jenna decided to write a letter this weekend explaining that she knew they were lying about everything. She told them that they and Mary are essentially already dead to her, she’s processed that grief, and recommends they do the same. She also said that if they try to reach out again, the next letter they receive will be from a lawyer. She told me that writing the letter was healing for her, so that’s one small thing to be grateful for.
We were left wondering who told them about the baby/gave them our address. I’m sure the address is not hard to find with public records but we have been so careful about the baby. The connection we reached out to didn’t even know about her until Jenna called (we like/trust them just didn’t want to take any chances of it getting back). We went over for dinner at my parents’ place a couple of days ago and Jenna started telling them about what happened. I noticed my mother averting eye contact and my heart sank into my stomach. I asked her if she had been the one to contact them, and she just started bawling, saying she couldn’t imagine never knowing her own grandchildren and just wanted us to “heal and be a family together”. My dad had no idea she had reached out and was shocked and disappointed in her as well.
I went absolutely ballistic while Jenna sort of just shut down and got this blank look on her face. I can’t remember half of the things I said but I ended by saying she would now know what it’s like to not have access to her granddaughter, just like my in-laws. We took the baby and left right away, ignoring calls/texts from them and eventually my siblings.
So now we’re both feeling betrayed and heartbroken. Never in a million years did I think my mother would violate our trust like that. We’re so close. She loves Jenna and the baby so much. My family knows exactly what happened with the in laws, she can’t claim ignorance. Obviously we’re taking a lot of space from them but funnily enough, Jenna is advocating for us to not be too hasty in cutting them off. She feels like my mom was not acting maliciously and is open to giving her a second chance, especially given she’s been nothing but supportive of me/my wife until this. Somewhere down there I know she’s right, but it’s too fresh and I’m still so angry. We’ve asked for space from my family and they’re being respectful about it, we’ll take the weekend to cool down before we figure out next steps together.
Thankfully we have this cute little chubby grub in our house that giggles and makes silly sounds so it’s hard to stay super upset or in your head about anything for too long. I know it’s going to be a hard road rebuilding trust with my mom but I feel somewhat hopeful that things will be okay in the long run.
Thanks again for your help.
Tl;dr: In laws were lying, there was no cancer, wife told them to go to hell. My mom was the one to contact them and we’re taking space from my family before we explore repairing the relationship. Currently focusing on squishing my daughter’s cheeks to feel better. We’re going to be okay.
Relevant Comments
OOP on if he would allow his father to have his solo visits with OOP, wife and their child. Not letting his mother tag along.

OOP: We’ve let my dad know that he will be welcome to come see the baby on his own, but we want space from everybody for a little while. He understands

Sea_Midnight1411: Oh wow. I’m so sorry this has happened to you but well done for making the right choices throughout. Your wife’s idea of discreetly gathering more information before going nuclear was a good one, as was the decision to go nuclear afterwards.
Your mum is seriously in the wrong here. A definite time out is needed. If you do discuss things with her again, she’s going to need to explain her actions in light of the fact that the in laws are people who faked cancer to get their way, and why she thought lies and deception were more acceptable than having your decisions respected.
Good luck OP! Here’s to healthy boundaries, good emotional well-being and a happy little kiddo in the middle of it all x
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Hello all, I know that this is a scenario where speaking with a lawyer in person in our state (Maine) is be best. I brought up these concerns to my mother, so she can discuss it with her lawyer, but was hoping to receive more thoughts and opinions on the subject.
First thing I'll say: I am not concerned about any inheritance I may have in the future. It's a consideration in my train of thought here, but it isn't my primary concern. That concern is for my mother and her financial situation. I've realized the most likely scenario is I won't get a dime of inheritance and that's okay.
My father is in the later stages of cancer and has racked up a fair amount of medical bills. These essentially will go unpaid. He is paying what they can afford to, but most/all have gone to collections. Their lawyer assured my mother that she is not going to be held responsible for his medical bills when he passes away. None of the medical debts are in her name, only his. And she isn't paying them, "he is."
They own their house and property, it is 100% paid off. (Not fancy, and not worth a ton.) They also have a large amount in savings, due to him being injured at work many years ago and receiving a settlement.
My concern here is that when he passes away, the debt agency for his medical bills could put a lein on their home. So if my mother someday needs to go into assisted living, or otherwise wants to sell the property, the lein will be on it and it will be instead taken from her and auctioned to pay my dad's medical bills. She would then only have their savings left. Which she would then need to use up if she were to live in an assisted living home/hospice care, so on.
If it were a scenario where she passes suddenly at home, it is my assumption that the house (if it has a lein on it) would be seized, and sold, then paired with all of their savings to pay off both his medical debts and any she may have.
I understand that debt does not get passed down to me or my sibling, I'm not worried about that. But from what I read, all of their estate including savings and their property would be used to pay their medical debts, and IF any money is left we would then receive it. If there isn't any left, me and my siblings are not on the hook for it.
I brought this up to my mother so she can discuss with her lawyer, so she can understand and be ready for what could happen involving the house if she sells in the future or has to leave.
Just want to know if my assumptions here are generally correct? I know this can be different given various scenarios, insurance, and state by state. We will see what the lawyer says, but in the mean time just wanted to ask so we can be prepared and keep her financially secure.

should I stay?
I’m 33M fairly successfully tech bro. Sometimes I ask my girlfriend (32F) questions about her past and I don’t like the answers. I will start by saying she claims she is crazy about me and had been since we first danced at a regular local Latin dance event in town. Once she found my Instagram we hit it off and moved quickly.
When we originally started she forgot to tell me that she had HPV after I asked her if I could go in raw. We kept hooking up this way and after some time came back like a week later after “she remembered” and “had to tell me something”. Apparently it’s non threatening version and it’s not even detected anymore in her. Since we’ve done oral im wondering if I’m at risk for throat cancer now. After some research it seems like everyone has this non threatening version and it’s probably no big deal but who knows. Anyways she thinks she got it from some guy she fucked in a car once that was cheating on his girlfriend. It’s pretty low that she knew he had a girl and still fucked him.
I tend to pry about her past because she’s so honest with me and I don’t love what I hear sometimes. For example we were talking about worst sexual experiences: she told me she hooked up with some frat guy in her mid 20s after her girlfriend told her to be careful with those guys - she went anyway. She said the guy used her like if he was an extension of his hand. She claims she had a bad time and got out of there as quickly as she could.
She says she’s been with like 30 guys, half of which she didn’t even enjoy (wtf). I’m closer to the 20 mark of partners so I feel a little insecure about it but that probably doesn’t really matter.
I realize im very insecure in this relationship and probably in over my head. I was actively avoiding dating because it’s always been an issue for me but we really hit it off in many ways. We connect mentally emotionally and physically.
She is very loving and warm towards me, is very organized and cooks for me.. we both love Latin dancing. She assures me that she doesn’t want anybody else once she’s dead set on someone (which had been me for quite sometime). It’s been nearly 6 months now since we’ve been together and sometimes I wonder if I’m in over my head.
By the way she has one guy best friend who she claims they’ve never done anything remotely sexual. Her group of friends just knows each other from school and all scattered about now so they keep tabs. Anyways one of the other guys from her group she tried to date and wanted to be with but he didn’t want her so it didn’t work out. Apparently he helped her move to the US so she owes him some money ( I wouldn’t have met her if not for this ). Anyways he supported her when she was defending some thesis in university. What bothered me (besides the fact that she is still friends with some guy she used to fuck / wanted to be with), was that on our day off driving through a theme park she decided to get on a zoom to support him for his thesis defense. Apparently her guy best friend told her about it that morning as we were getting ready for the drive and she had it on for like an hour. I felt so offended but she swears it’s nothing. She ended up apologizing when I told her how I felt offended by this. Even though I understand friends support each other on their thesis defenses, it feels like she’s dropping handkerchiefs for this guy ( by needing to be on the zoom to say congratulations ) on the day we are spending quality time (knowing that it bothers me). But to her it wasn’t a big deal. But she apologized for hurting me.
Am I just insecure? Part of me feels like I can do a lot of growing in this relationship since she’s way more social than me and I have been already faced with a lot of shit and she seems to be emotionally intelligent and mature and always knows what to say.
I feel like I am just entering my prime (if I don’t die from throat cancer). She has already started to sense that I’ll probably leave her for a younger prettier girl. I don’t know if I should stay or if I should go back to being alone. I am sure I could meet more girls as I continue developing myself as a dancer and progressing in my career. Part of me is just sick of dating and happy that I found someone that’s real with me. I just don’t know if I’m ready for all this so here I am. Hopefully someone can give me some advice from this gobbledygook I’m spitting out.
TLDR: I don’t know I I should keep working on myself and be single or continue to settle down with this girl that I love many things about but also dislike many things and we just signed a lease together

It's an election year in the land of the free and the crescendo of voices competing for attention and emotion is reaching a fever pitch. Our precious democracy is at stake from mean and deadly authority but the comic tragedy is that, in actuality, we're all birth-right citizens of a non-democratic anti-authoritarian state.
We innocently think we live in a democracy and so assured our opinion sure as hell matters we use our assumed authority to compete for screen-time in the existential space, both taken asunder by various propaganda campaigns and propagating our very own funded with and competing for the currencies of attention and emotion, if not cold coinage and hot stinkin' dollars. Damn the influence of money on our democracy - billionaires assert their selfish will through purchase of stories and pundits if not the outright purchase of media companies and they alter the public discourse in their favor: greed sure can be loud, huh? And it's no secret what usually buys our attention: a bit of hatred and like flies to rotted meat attention and emotion come streaming in. Don't you just hate those selfish billionaires corrupting our precious democracy?
In the existential state there's so many entities, so many ideas, so many voices: each one with past, a present and the painful bifurcation of both a hoped for and a feared future. Every one with it's own idea of how things are, how things should be, the pro's and con's of what exactly it all did, does and will mean for me.
But existential states are all the same, national, political, biological, psychological or otherwise. The borders of non-duality and streamentry are policed by us self-appointed gatekeepers and we vote on perspective, opinions, and views as if reality were a democracy. And we're helplessly obligated to defend our ground against offense; our authority stands on the clear patch of ground we have worked to scrape clean yet our precious uniform dirt is perpetually vulnerable to the ever-creeping thicket of views always pushing in, like weeds piercing through.
In the privacy of our own minds is a congressional cacophony of voices; each thought with it's own origin story, it's own worldview, it's own vocal authority competing for and with the currency of attention and emotion supposedly with the common goal of what is best for "me". And we project the image of ourselves as the big Authority amongst the little authorities of thoughts and pretend to listen and consider and weigh and analyze yet it's nothing more than the tiresome push and pull of craving and aversion, attraction and repulsion, hatred and greed. Impulses arise from sight unseen; both flowers and weeds alike push up out of the deep dark dirt and so if we are always our own best friend we're also our own worst enemy, simultaneously.
Existential states all are the same. Day pushes night out only for night to come and suck the light away, each competing in their own way for the existential domain. And the gravity pulls our bodies down but in defiance we stand up, anyways. And with every breath we take, as we've gained everything that can be gotten from respiration, we mindlessly smash a carbon into oxygen and just exhale.
Sensitive skin borders the body and the white knight blood cells nobly fight against dirty bacterial and viral invaders wishing to conquer and take over the body for their own nefarious purposes. Each cell it's own citizen in a vast chemical, electrical and biological network messaging, bargaining with each other, exchanging material, working together for a common goal. Each organ with it's own mandate but united together as the body's own independent nation state. And it's perhaps generally all good until the precious homeostasis of the democracy of the body's cells and organs are unable to defend against the inevitable coup d'etat of cancer, stroke or heart attack. All us organisms - the protozoans, the fungi, the flora and fauna fight to survive our whole lives only to simply one day just keel over, and die.
And considering all that, when the coup d'etat d'MAGA-hat succeeds and the booted feet beat down your door and press the loud end of a shotgun to your back - why should it really matter how you die when any death at all is nothing but Life's own coup d'etat? The new kills the old, a story as old as time: each new second tick and hour tock of the clock a shotgun blast to the last.
There's no security in noisy noisy democracy and all and any authority stands in defense against internal and external threats, obligatorily. It's helpless. Violence is always beating down our doors. Every act of creation an act of destruction, every pull towards a push away. And every thing said merely misleading marketing: a big bright billboard blocking the empty night sky. So what is that we're all really fighting for? Why are we so goddamn sure that this is all so important? Of what exactly, anyways? And according to who, exactly? You? Me?
Existential states are all the same. Appearances push out one another from within the impossibly thin existential screen, like each incoming breath pushes out the last, like each thought plasters over that which came before, like the rising sun casts the night away. Every iota of being competes for the tiny sliver of existential space; every voice fighting to have their authority heard in this precious precious democracy. And this is the violence always beating down our doors. We aren't safe in our homes, we aren't safe in our opinions, we aren't safe in our minds, we aren't safe in our bodies. There's just nowhere to run nor hide from the bright and loud red violence of existential pride. And all the little helpers with their practices, pointers and perspectives nothing more than lubricant on the machinery of samsara; for what's there to sharpen and improve? And who is that we aim to appease with all these proofs? The insecure authority of us "you's"? That's just nothing more than those same impersonal samsaric gears and grooves.
Why do we fear the non-democratic anti-authoritarian domain when violence is only found in the existential terrain? Is it because we fear our voice won't be heard, and our impact won't be felt, and so our fingers won't have tilted the scale towards our favor in our precious democracy? We're greedy violence enthusiasts, you and I.
The comic tragedy is that here in the land of the free we think we live in a democracy and fight for our voice to be heard, for our mark to be made, for our ground to be defended. And so our borders are militarized, our fighter jets pre-emptively exterminate various threats, and the loud voice of greed which is hatred seemingly reigns supreme - but it's all just the insecurity of authority fighting in this supposed democracy.
Rightfully exhausted from the push and pull tension of the existential state we urgently seek some evidence of our birth-right home, the non-democratic anti-authoritarian domain. Yet it has no borders and no government so by what lurking tall Statue of Liberty experiential landmark will you rely on to mark your arrival? And this has no authoritative voice of it's own arguing for or against anything at all; this domain flies no flag and proclaims no view. So who will you rely on to inform you about it. Me? You?
Like the whole of Earth with it's dramas of existential states is already silently cradled in the black of empty space the whole of existence is already silently cradled in the open palm of non-existence and deep down we already know this more intimately than knowledge for it, we are - there's really, really nothing worth fighting for.