What should I do with my eagerness to be wanted? With some background I am Maeya ‘20MTF’ and I never new my bio dad ’40M’ he and my mom ‘40F’ were young and he was a coward and left. My mom met my first stepdad ‘41M’ (aka stepdad 1) when I was 5 yo. He is mostly traditional he understands what being gay is but other than that hates all of it. Where I was the black sheep of the family. And where my brother who is 5 years younger was the masculine son he wanted. At school I was the floater in social groups who could be anywhere. But that didn’t mean I could fit in anywhere. I am too awkward of a conversationalist and social situations aren’t my strong suit. The group I stayed with through high school had 4-5 people all male and we were all “pairs” in the group where I was the third part of a trio that would hangout after school. Because my gendesexuality I really had too decode whether I had a crush on a girl or I just wanted to be them thankfully most of the time it was the ladder but I knew I was mostly into women. But because I did grow up in a semi traditionalistic setting and my messed up social awkwardness I didn’t ask anyone out ever. Because I was male presenting but flamboyant I was either expected to ask them out or I was too feminine too be into women. Which resulted in a couple of times being pranked on by both guys and girls saying that some girl would be into me just to be fake. One was a high school dance and another was just a Sophomore joke. Sophomore year my Nana passed away from a stomach/intestinal cancer. And because of my paternal upbringing she was the consistent secondary guardian that was there from the beginning. Then Junior year my mom and stepdad dad 1 got a divorce and then the pandemic happened. Senior year began and I knew I needed too prepare too say goodbye too my old life and prepare to start a new one and my friends will find there own paths in life too. But I did expect us too have a way of communicating. My mom ended up meeting someone and remarried in January of 2021. October of 2020 one my friends passed away from an OD. The rest of us graduated class of 2021. One friend ended up becoming a hermit I tried reaching out but he didn’t come out of his house. I ended up going to the Navy in September of 2021 but had a leg injury in bootcamp and didn’t make it. While in bootcamp my family moved across the country Northwest to the South. So I ended up going with them once I was out of bootcamp. I ended up feeling alone and restless I just found a job and was in a rut. Then in July of 2022 another one of my friends died in a car crash. This made me determined too try something new like college but that ended up not working out mentally. But things at work were looking brighter. I did come as trans at this time. And seeing a dynamic duo of Hope ‘21F’ and Sophia ‘22F’. For this story you need to know has been in a relationship for 3 years. I knew Sophia since I started working their and seeing her and Hope more at work and hearing about there night outs during the summer of 2023 when both turned 21 was something I wanted to be a part of as a friendship. It was difficult for me too articulate it especially when I am an outsider in so many ways but they said they’ll take me in. This was January of 2024. Due to the weather there wasn’t much communication but I did make plans to go out to a club as a first time being full femme and it was a time to tackle my gender anxieties but not my social anxieties so I wasn’t as social as I would’ve liked. Then after that Hope has had a lot of new adulting things this year from insurance, dental, a new car, and ending a three year relationship because of online betrayal.
When she broke up with her boyfriend I knew she was physically the most beautiful person inside and out I’ve ever seen but because of how well oiled her relationship seemed too be I never truly paid attention to this feeling. She is the center of the group and has constantly people wanting to hangout with her. But she was ranting how she is so bad at responding to people because there seems too be so much responsibility. With that every time I reach out she does respond in reasonable measure. But the only time I’ve been messaged by Hope or Sophia it’s too see if I can come in too cover someone else at work who called out. I know it’s not intentional. I didn’t tell Hope about the lack of communication. But I did explain my feelings and I knew she experimented once or twice and she doesn’t float that way but I have feelings for her and don’t know if they’ll go away but I’ve already accepted the facts and she means more too me than my own feelings and I’m willing too stay friends but just wanted too be honest with her and not do something stupid. She was completely understanding and as expected she viewed me as more of a sister and I completely understood and accepted. But now there is this growing communication issue where so many people want to be a part of Hope and Sophia’s click that I am having no communication in general because of my social anxieties, lack of experience in the South, am for and can hangout around recreational use but don’t partake myself, and my fear of being “the single trans/gay person of the group”. Because of those things I see people who do want to be a part of their click being shown more effort because they fit their vibe/vibe of their hangout and I don’t know what to do. From confessing my feelings to Hope and these communication issues I just realize I’ve had a few number 1 friends but I was nobody’s number 1. But I’m not looking to be number 1 I just want to not be last thought to feel wanted. I just need to know how to communicate this without feeling like I am forcing them too because the last thing I want is too be a friend out of pity.

1. We are near a city in a firebase and there is maybe 18 temp buildings from the erector and there is a russian village nearby and there is a mass grave starting near the entrance and rupert is at the entrance with the media and I am in the temp building with my squad and I am with Valerie and Berghdal and Fritzler and the call goes out to march and I am marching with a bunch of people I don't know and there is a UAV van and a M1A1 abrams on fire support and I march forward and there are killing targets and I kill a killing target at 100m and get his body and move it personally to the mass grave and march back out there and move into the city and it is a holy city and there are two people in a nice apartment at the entry who are resisting arrest and I no nock raid these people and kill them which I am in my juggernaut EOD suit so I am perfectly invulnerable here and they do not test my plates. 1.2 I order personally the main commisary or whatever you call the jihadi store taken as checkpoint alpha and we set up checkpoint alpha and there is a wounded woman in there and we have raided here and it is our fault so we are keeping her not recovered so I stitch her right meter 10 gut and her hepatic and stitch her shut and there is a point which they ambush me and my plates are tested here, when I am holding this building interior one of checkpoint alpha I am shot in my stomach by RPK which the terrorists rush us here and an RPK shot from an ambush position outside the door hits me in my stomach and imbeds in my stomach but I am full of biofoam and oxygenator and it does not hurt me too bad 1.3 I am ordered to sneak up from behind because I am walking wounded, I need my valor and honor and merit and freedom all at once so I sneak up on the jihadis, I move past who i shot and shot me and into the area near the mosque which we are not allowed in the mosque it has hostages and there is an apartment and I use my EOD UAV skill to monitor this position and get another kill count at the back apartment where I know they will be trying to sneak up, I frag them from the gutter by a dumpster 1.4 I move on and target the main jihadi position from the side and almost instantly wild weasel F16 lights them up with JDAM with the valid lase from me they can get arms on position 1.5 There is fighting at a building inwards from the JDAM position which hit the main jihadi position which had hostages and we move on checkpoint charlie through checkpoint bravo which is the main base and kill two on the rooftops which is JUST LIKE COD 1.6 We move forward on the dwellings and kill some people at the sides of the dwellings and move on the main street which I am ambushed by jihadi at the rooftop and kill one right first one right second but bear some overpenetration at my neck to the left face, defeated juggernaut plates neck left side and bear walking wounded now for real and am carted off and am order of lenin 4th degree and sacred heart and purple heart and iron cross and distinguished service cross.

This is the greatest joy of retention yet also the biggest struggle to overcome
Okay so anyone who has done self improvement knows how difficult it can be I separate into 2 categories
Internal vs external work
SR highlights both
Typically if your fapping and losing sexual energy you can do external work and scape by without doing any internal work simply because your not holding onto energy To hold onto your life force takes lots of discipline when it comes to regulating your internal state instead of draining it
So this is the catalyst you will know your issues what needs to be fixed internally and externally this can be great but life doesn’t always work in a fluid manner to where you can instantly make the necessary changes Yes SR speeds the process up but it can also create massive suffering simply because you may not be able to make that change as quickly as you’d like
For example if you experienced a lot of pain at once you naturally are going to want to cope in some way and that can be a feasible strategy to stifle your energy so you don’t have to do the internal/shadow work at this time For anyone who has every gone emotionally numb you understand what I’m describing here The trauma or pain can be so dramatic and life can be so bad that numbing yourself in minor ways to avoid that shadow work could be a potential strategy so you don’t have to face it all at once
Vs if you retain you will feel all that pain at once because your energy is so clean your holding onto your life force You will suffer greatly because your not numbing your experience I believe this is the better strategy but it is much harder journey
And in my opinion that is the bitch of retention but also its greatest blessing because if you don’t numb yourself you will feel the blunt force of life but it will pass through your spirit much quicker
But a potential strategy is to numb yourself a bit if the trauma and pain is very dramatic I’m not saying fap
But I notice on hard days I might fast for less hours in that day and eat more which makes me tired and makes my energy less clear which could help to numb out some of life’s pain because it’s really hard rn I’m probably at my lowest in awhile it’s because I’m making good changes but life is still very hard
I’m lean and typically do omad always sub 12% body fat I’ve been retaining for years now rn currently at day 57
I’m saying play your edge push your limit take as much pain as you can with a clean spirit but if life gets very hard don’t go over your edge just stifle your energy a bit and do the shadow work in a couple days or a week or 2
If after work you eat a bit more then you typically would to stifle the energy a bit that’s okay but only if you are at your edge Stifling energy a bit by distractions or eating a bit Less clean is better then relapsing
I’ve noticed if I’m forced to be around low vibrational people I might eat before I interact with them because if I’m in a pure fasted state they will feel that I feel all of their energy and that they cannot hide because my aura is way to pure
So some strategies for playing the edge dealing with toxic people and waiting because you cannot make all the changes you need to make because of other life factors
I’m not saying self sabotage or fap When I stifle my energy it’s by eating another meal then I typically would and the food is still relatively healthy Or watch a movie after work because your waiting for a certain situation to pass
I still workout fast do cold showers and mediate
That’s a problem I’ve noticed with retention is that your just so damn engaged you know all your problems and how to fix them but strategy and timing is important And if you just have absolutely pure energy everyday all the time you could get pissed off at other people or life situations which is good to have that drive but if taken to far could backfire on you as it has on me in the past so I’m not saying lower yourself be who you are and stand in your power just be aware that this is a valuable potential strategy
The ideal situations is you have pure energy all the time life starts to align because synchronicities will happen new levels have new devils you suffer you make the changes without stifling energy you stand up for yourself everytime and continue to level up
But I feel that is somewhat hard to embody in practice I’m one guy with one perspective so if you can go a year without issues more power to you but for me personally playing my edge is the thing to do and works the best for me long term because if I get arrogant and on my high horse I start to have issues becoming super judgemental of others because you see demons when you have a clean spirit and that can cause self righteousness which itself is a trap so lowkey backing off have a super super pure aura when interacting with toxic people who are in your way then when the time is right to make the change jump at the opportunity to move onto better things
Again I’ve been practicing this since 16 I turn 20 this weekend
And I know this post seems a big negative and I know it somewhat is but it’s just a warning / potential strategy because like I said if you go on 3+ months streaks out here consistently with a clean aura I promise you will get attacked and repel People just remember though that repelling is good because it’s taking you where you need to go to match your high vibration but that’s scary because it could mean complete restructuring your life like me basically losing all your family
If your just doing it for the female attraction or some surface level reason and keep your streaks under a month you should be fine but if you get into longer streaks your going to start to trigger people with your clean energy especially if your intention is to grow and become a better person legit your light will irritate their demons
I believe retention on longer streaks makes you more in tune with energies and life which helps build faith and gets rid of fear a more spiritual component on longer streaks and then synchronicities happen which only Proves this to a further extent which makes life feel more trippy good luck as well
though other people have already gone over this stuff so I won’t get into it I just thought this playing your edge strategy on retention would be valuable asset and idea as I’m yet to see anyone bring it up so far particularly with the arrogance self righteousness etc it’s easy to hate but gotta remember some ppl are sleep and everyone is on a personal journey try to respect others even the demons who are trying to pull you down like crabs in a bucket in the end we are all the good guys in our own story and we all know in our head our good intentions wether others realize it or not same with the demons bro they have a life story alright peace out yall play your edge stay engaged take as much suffering for growth as you can stomach and don’t demonize the demons because that will just make them angry and make things worse eye for an eye makes the whole world blind have boundaries love from a distance

I searched this sub to see if people like this song, and I was happy to see the results. Just wanted to post about it then I’ll be on my way.
I think this could have been his best song, or top 3-5. Kendrick insists, annoyingly imo, that he has to point of his hypocrisy. The second part of the song completely undermines or negates the first part. Not only is it not that good musically, more importantly I wholeheartedly disagree with the point being made. The premise of the song if I’m perceiving it correctly is that Kendrick (or the culture) laments all the murder in America but perpetuates it through a bloodlust for revenge.
I disagree with his saviorism. Do people really project this Jesus shit on to him? That’s kind of his whole thing, to the point of wearing a bejeweled crown of thorns, right? It’s childish to think music or artists can do that much to improve society, and I’ve always thought it immature that either he or his fans indulged this idolatry. Why does he feel like he is above even feeling those feelings in the first half of XXX, disregarding acting on them? “If somebody kills my son, that means somebody’s getting killed.” That’s exactly how I FEEL. I don’t believe it’s best to act on that, but art has the license to say that. I’d want to kill that murderer. Doesn’t mean I will, and that emotion doesn’t need to be called out as wrong in the second half of the song. Wouldn’t it be unnatural for someone to see their loved one murdered and just move on like nothing happened? That’s taking our humanity away. It isn’t godly to allow terrible people run roughshod on regular people. That is the challenge of society. We have to have rules but not be vigilantes or savages about it.
When someone takes the life of a loved one of yours, it is entirely natural to want something to happen to that murderer. Life is chaos and danger, built on constant collisions. If you don’t protect yourself, things may happen. Knowing violence is so ingrained in our nature and in nature at large, expressing that in music shouldn’t be considered such an affront to morality. If nothing were to happen to murderers, there would be even more murder than there already is. Murderers and criminals in general need to experience consequences in order for them to one of reform, be put away forever if they’re too far gone, and serve as a deterrent example for others. This is how society works, and I don’t see many other options as to how things could work.
Maybe make them two songs. First part second part. Because as constituted it’s almost like matter and anti-matter. Cancelling out such a powerful first half to a song does the song such a disservice.
I’m rambling, but I guess what I’m trying to get at is that first half was incredibly accurate as to how some may react to violence. I don’t think it’s ever been conveyed so succinctly and soulfully at the same time. I felt it more than almost anything I’ve heard in music. One part I’d like to highlight to “ain’t no black power when your baby kilt by a coward.” I don’t care what things we may have in common…if you do something crazy you will experience a reaction. I don’t think I’ve heard this said as well in a song too. In fact, if anything since we have some commonality that should make you even more sickened to your stomach that you did such a bad thing to me. Putting it in an American context with black people just lends the concept so much power because there is a sinister aspect of race/religion where people get you to accept what you shouldn’t accept under the guise of brotherhood. Family can hurt you just as much as a stranger, which is why actions should determine kinship. I believe that’s actually reflected in crime stats. People you know are more likely to do you harm as opposed to random acts of violence.
Anyway, tldr I both love and dislike the song.

Honestly I’m still so ashamed and embarrassed but this story is also mostly funny. So I work on a boat as a scuba instructodive guide, and we were on our way to the first dive site and I was just standing around on my phone. My stomach was feeling pretty upset but I had just taken a bunch of medicine because I’ve been sick so I figured it was just the medicine.
I almost trusted a fart but then realized it would be a mistake. But then for some unknown reason I thought maybe it was a fart and I really really had to fart, and all the sudden I feel something in my pants and know I’ve just shit myself.
But it gets worse, I feel it run down my legs and see it on the floor. I make the split second decision to walk away calmly and pretend nothing happened because no one seemed to notice. So I casually walk over and face my ass to the dash so no one can see the diarrhea streaking down my leg. And moments later one of my coworkers was like “What was that???? Did someone poop their pants” And I’m just like “I have no idea”
And he started giving me a weird look and I really thought I was caught and considered just breaking and telling him and hoping somehow he’d understand. But I was determined to keep going so I just kept pretending I had no idea. And asked him if I should clean it up with an engine diaper (disposable cloth, not important)
And he’s like “I mean I would”
And then I go “wait I’ll go look and see if we have any toilet paper in the head” So I back myself down to the head, making sure to keep my butt facing the dash.
As soon as I’m down there I quickly wiped the shit off my legs with the diaper, throw it away and frantically checked to make sure you couldn’t see it on my shorts from the back. I was wearing white shorts.
And by some grace of God my crime was only visible from the bottom, again I was wearing white shorts. I can only believe that providence saved me.
Anyways I went back up with the toilet paper but another coworker had already rinsed it.
And then she came up to me and was like “Do you know what that was??? I mean I know what it looked like but…”
And again I was just like “I have no idea”
This was like 8:30/9 in the morning, beginning of the day, I’ve still got two dives ahead of me before we get back to the dock.
Thank goodness I was guiding that day that way I could rinse it all off 😭. Anyways I did the dives, texted my roommate and asked if she could bring me a change of pants, I told her “I perioded myself”. And then I asked off for the afternoon and was able to get cut.
Also my boyfriend was on the boat and was trying to get me to take his shift in the afternoon and I told him “Nope, I can’t be here anymore” And he begged me to tell him why but I couldn’t tell him then in case he gave me away by his reaction. So I texted him about it later.
All I could think about was number one how embarrassed I was, but number two (no pun intended) how in the hell did I get away with it????
I don’t know if no one truly noticed or if someone did and just didn’t have the heart to say anything. But either way glad the whole boat didn’t see it or I would’ve had to quit and leave the country.
So to anyone on here who’s feeling really embarrassed or ashamed about something, I hope my story makes you feel a little better about whatever you’re embarrassed about 😂.
EDIT: For reference this only happened yesterday and I don’t know how to look my coworkers in the face 😭. I’m so embarrassed I cried just thinking about it today, I genuinely cannot believe that happened I keep thinking it was a bad dream. And also I spilled it to my high roommate and coworker just to get it off my chest 😂.
TLDR: I shit my pants at work and it got on the floor, and I’m hoping no one saw.

I have the brand new box of .5 as I told my doctor I was ready for it, i took 2 months worth of .25 and lost about 12 pounds in the last 8 weeks. My symptoms were REALLY bad the first week starting, but my hunger has come back and I can feel my stomach audibly rumbling throughout the day and crave so many sweets again. I’m so scared to take the .5 tonight though. I have zofran. My nerves are just not letting me. Should I take it tonight or wait till the morning? I have to work tomorrow at 3 pm so I don’t even know.

Race Information

• Name: Vermont City Marathon
• Date: May 26, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Burlington, VT
• Website: https://www.runvermont.org/
• Age: 35M
• Time: 3:26:22

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub-3:20	No
B	Sub-3:30	Yes
C	Finish	Yes

Splits

13.1 splits	Time
1	1:43:20
2	1:43:02

Ancient History

Growing up, I was always pretty active and started running in High School. Going into my Junior year, I began to take running much more seriously and made steady progress with a 5K PR of 17:06 at the State meet. Going into my Senior year, I had been training 6 days a week with the team and hitting 40-60 miles a week consistently with hopes of going low 16's by the end of the XC season. Then, disaster. Pain in my quads was getting worse and worse until a bone scan finally revealed bilateral femoral stress fractures - one midway along the midline of each femur. I was devastated, and completely stopped running from August until February. By then, it seemed like things were getting better and I was able to put in some good miles for the spring Track season. I was always a better mid-distance runner, and was able to snag a few PRs of 2:00 in the 800m (agony, 1s off) and 4:35 in the 1600m. By that point I was basically over running, completely burned out and sick of running.
10 years later...
I wake up one morning in April of 2017 to take a shower and realize that I have no temperature sensation in my right leg whatsoever. I'm now finishing grad school, I've moved across the country, first kid on the way and due in a matter of weeks. I'm not working out much at this point, maybe running every few months at best. Stress is high. I go to urgent care and the last 6 months of subtle pins and needles on the left side of my face and the occasional double vision start to make a lot more sense. Multiple Sclerosis. It's not a death sentence, but I felt like the world was ending. My kid was due in 4 weeks and now my future was completely uncertain. A month or two, an MRI and one spinal tap later and the diagnosis is confirmed.

Training

Fortunately, new medicines have made MS much more manageable and I was lucky to have a great medical team. Perhaps the most important thing to keep the disease in check beyond highly potent immunosuppressants is regular exercise. Time to start running again.
Starting out was rough, but within a few weeks I was able to feel ok running 15-20 miles a week in the 8-10 min/mile range. I keep that up consistently for a year or so and run my first 10K with a time of 44:42, which I was pretty proud of at the time. Things are going well for a while, second kid is on the way, my MS seems mostly stable, albeit leaving me with some permanent loss of function of my left leg (these gait issues will come up later), pins and needles in my right leg, and fatigue. Then COVID hits. Now I'm at home, with much more time. I increase my mileage a bit, now running 20-30 miles a week but not really following any particular plan or anything. Move across country, keep running when I can.
Mid-2023 I decided to finally take it up a level. I was mostly using the Garmin Daily Workouts at this point and running consistently 30 miles a week. I decided to run my first half-marathon, just as a virtual training run, and felt pretty good about my time with an 8:24/mi average pace. Going into fall, I juggled some illnesses but kept running. Unfortunately around November I started to develop Sesamoiditis and had to really limit my running to 35-40 miles per week. I ran a Christmas 5K with a time of 19:14, which felt pretty good, but was still dealing with the Sesamoid issue.
Over time, the Sesamoid started to resolve but I would occasionally feel some twinges in my right Adductor. Nevertheless, I felt like the time was now to try for my first Marathon. Around February, I finally committed and decided to do the Pfitz 12/55 plan. I had been consistently in the 35-40 range for a few months, so felt like I had a decent base. At first, I found the plan quite difficult to deal with. It was the most structured running I had done since high school, but after a while my schedule adapted and I was hitting all of the workouts. About halfway through, the Adductor issue started to really rear its ugly head. It seems like it's a combination of gait issues from my MS as well as compensating for the weakened Sesamoid. I attempted to strength train, but had to back off a bit.
At best, I was able to hit 53 miles a week, occasionally having to skip some workouts for cross-training or rest. I felt like I nailed the 20 mile runs pretty well and overall the LRs felt good. I ran one 5K as a kind of "tune-up" with a time of 19:21, pacing a friend, so putting in maybe 80-90% effort. Due to injuries and some travel I was never able to do one of the longer tune-up races. Unfortunately, the Adductor issue continued to wax and wane, finally flaring up badly about 3 weeks out from my target marathon. After a consultation with Ortho, I was told to stop running cold turkey for two weeks prior to the Marathon, and then a follow-up last Friday I was given the green light to try it ... cautiously ... but consider dropping out if it is too painful.

Pre-Race

My taper was compromised pretty heavily by the injury, so I was really feeling worried about how the race would go. That said, I knew that the training was done at this point, and so an extended rest shouldn't make TOO much of an impact if I feel ready. I carb-loaded three days out and tried to take on a lot of fluids. While my injury was feeling better, the next worry was the temperature. Forecast was saying low 60s for the start of the race, ramping up to the mid 70s by the time I expected to finish. We drove up to Burlington from the Boston area on Friday with the kids, and I likely did too much walking on Saturday but overall I was feeling ok and was fortunate to get a good amount of sleep Saturday night (7.5hrs).
I'm a scientist by training, so planning and preparation is second nature to me. I woke up at 4:45, had a cup of coffee, half a bagel, a banana, and a Maurten 160 drink. Because of the temperature, I decided to prepare two 500mL bottles of Tailwind, one that I would take with me and one that I would pickup from my wife at the Half point. I planned for 4 gels (Maurten@5mi, Gu@10mi, Maurten+Caf@15mi, Maurten@20) and to get a cup of water at every aid station each 2.5mi. I jogged down to the start at 6:15am, used the restroom probably 4 times, and lined up with the 3:30 group.

Race

My plan was to start out with the 3:30 pacer group and see how things go. The course is advertised as being flat and fast, but I'm not sure I believe that because there is a big hill you run up twice with 120ft of vert over about 1/2 mile and between 5-7% grade at times. The course is essentially two figure 8s, and you start in the middle. At 7:15am, we took off. The first few miles felt a bit stiff, but I was chatting it up with the pacers and feeling pretty relaxed. We were going a bit ahead of pace, clocking in at 7:50 per mile for the first 4-5 miles. Around the 10K mark, I was feeling a bit antsy and the pace was slowing down...I decided to head off alone, despite a lot of reservation that I was making a poor decision.
Around Mile 9, I was starting to feel a bit of tightness in my legs and my HR was in the high 160s. I was a little bit concerned about this early fatigue, but I knew from my training that I feel like this on almost every single run and it doesn't really seem to get worse, it just seems to be part of my mechanics or something. I kept pushing on, mile after mile, keeping my pace pretty consistently. Every aid station I got a cup of water, drank some and splashed the rest on my head. This made a HUGE difference in the end.
Mile 13, came in at the Half feeling great. Started up one of the hills and saw my wife. *Disaster* she had the wrong bottle. No carbs, no Tailwind for the 2nd half, and my current bottle was empty. At this point, I had also been taking my gels early. My stomach was feeling great so instead of a gel at every 5th mile I was taking one at every 4. The race provided gels at mile 8 and mile 21, so I had picked up an extra gel by this time and made the decision to stop at the next aid station around mile 15 and fill up my bottle with Gatorade. Salvation.
Kept chugging along, feeling a bit of fatigue setting in around the slog from mile 16-19. At mile 19, I saw my wife again and she had the correct bottle (it was my fault, she thought I meant for her to give me a larger, recovery bottle I had prepared of Skratch for after the race). I got my bottle of Tailwind and hit the monster hill at Mile 20. This was my slowest mile at 8:15 (GAP of 7:40) and it really sapped my strength. I was thinking that this must be like running Heartbreak Hill the entire time I was going up.
Through the hill, into the last 10K. Starting to feel desperate, just pushing forward every step of the way. The pacing in this marathon is quite strange, because it also has a Relay of either 2-person or 4-person teams, so you're always seeing different people with way fresher legs than you. Ended up finding a woman to run with who was crushing it, and we paced eachother the last 3-4 miles. Took a last gel around 24 miles and grinded it out to the end.

Berlin next... then Boston?

Post-race, I was feeling pretty happy with my 3:26 time. To be honest, I felt a little anti-climactic, although I'm not entirely sure why. I didn't feel a ton of adrenaline or emotion throughout the race and things seemed pretty collected. That said, I'm pretty surprised at how much I loved almost every minute of the race itself. Maybe it was just because it was my first time, but it was truly a fun and rewarding experience.
I think there were a few areas where I could have pushed just slightly harder, but given it was my first marathon on a somewhat challenging course in the heat I'm overall happy with my time. I absolutely nailed my hydration/fueling and my pacing, with a slightly negative split overall, so I'm really pleased with that. As a whole, I'd give my training cycle maybe a 6/10; I think I definitely raced too many of my training runs, likely leading to some of my injuries. I was also only able to go above 50mpw in 2 of the 12 weeks of the program.
Given my somewhat poor training cycle, I'm hoping that I still have a lot of room to improve. I was a bit worried that my MS would cause issues during the marathon, particularly my left leg, which tends to lose coordination in long, higher intensity efforts. Fortunately, it felt pretty good throughout.
Earlier in the year, I was lucky to get a spot for both Berlin and NYC. Given their proximity to each other, I'm going to try and defer NYC to next year. I've now been thinking through if I want to try and apply to Boston for 2025. Given my MS, I am technically eligible for an "adaptive" application, which has a cutoff time of 6:00. I feel in two minds about this, because on one hand I feel like I'm maybe taking a bit of the easy way out, when it might be possible for me to hit sub-3:05 some day. On the other hand, I don't know how many years I have left running so I'm thinking I might just seize the opportunity now and then try and qualify through the more "standard" way in the future. Curious on people's thoughts on this, and thanks for reading!
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

I've hit legend with Mech Warrior twice now, but the second list takes a very different form than the first. Admittedly, the first time wasn't "dominant" by any stretch, I just played a lot of games with a slightly-over 50% winrate. This new deck was a much easier coast to legend, and it felt much higher powered both in terms of deck strength and meta positioning. So this writeup will of course be dedicated to the second and current iteration of the deck.

Taunt Mech Warrior

Class: Warrior

Format: Standard

Year of the Pegasus

2x (1) Execute

2x (1) Frequency Oscillator

2x (1) Garrosh's Gift

2x (1) Sanguine Depths

2x (1) Tar Slime

2x (2) Gold Panner

2x (2) Greedy Partner

2x (2) Needlerock Totem

2x (2) Roaring Applause

2x (2) Unlucky Powderman

1x (3) Bellowing Flames

2x (4) Backstage Bouncer

2x (4) Boom Wrench

2x (6) Testing Dummy

1x (7) Containment Unit

1x (8) Inventor Boom

1x (0) Zilliax Deluxe 3000

1x (0) Zilliax Deluxe 3000

1x (3) Virus Module

1x (5) Perfect Module

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Card choices

My absolute most favorite thing about this deck right now is the crazy amount of synergistic cards. Tons of packages come together, with shared synergies and complementary strengths. There are even other packages I tried in other iterations (riffs, armor gain, excavate, etc) which didn't make my cut, but still have definite potential in alternate lists.

Mech package

Frequency Oscillator, Zilliax, Boom Wrench, Testing Dummy, Containment Unit, Inventor Boom
I don't run any tutors for the combo pieces, and haven't needed them. You almost always end up with a wrench + Testing Dummy by ~turn 7 with the amount of draw in the deck, and the deck has lots of survivability in the meantime.
Instrument Tech just felt bad as a 2 drop, particularly for tutoring as weapon that doesn't have any real standalone value or immediate impact. The deck ran way smoother when I just relied on regular draw to dig for pieces.
I'm iffy on Containment Unit. The deathrattle isn't game winning, and the magnetic ability isn't useful very often. Though it's ridiculous to magnetize onto a Testing Dummy and proccing both deathrattles twice with the Boom Wrench. But that's a rare hit, and the deck often wins on its own without really needing Containment Unit. It's the best of the other "big mech" options, but it's worth experimenting with other utility cards instead.

Taunt package

Tar Slime, Unlucky Powderman, Backstage Bouncer (+ Dummy & Zilliax)
Fantastic stabilization against aggro and decent protection against OTKs. Backstage Bouncer also sucks up a ton of removal that suddenly isn't available for your stronger turn 6-8 plays. Backstage Bouncer also turns your weaker drops (Tar Slime, Oscillator, Greedy Partner) into valid threats.
I've flirted with the draw-2-taunts card - who doesn't love a good 2 mana draw 2? - but honestly you're usually looking to draw other stuff when you're really in a pinch. The other draw options were generally more impactful.

Draw package

Needlerock Totem, Gold Panner, Roaring Applause
Since we don't run tutors for our combo pieces, the draw really helps getting set up with whatever is needed for the current match. Digging for taunts and clears vs aggro; digging for executes vs tall minions; etc.
Roaring applause is a pretty interesting card with a surprising amount of hits in this deck. Mechs, elementals, totems, and undead.

Execute package

Sanguine Depths, Execute, Garrosh's Gift
This package is the most surprising performer and became a staple in all my Warrior decks. It was a necessity when Warlocks were running rampant, and still helps vs the assortment of giants and buffed minions that are still seeing play now. Cheap single removal never feels too bad.
Sanguine Depths is such a versatile location, and 3 procs for 1 mana is absurd value in a deck with strong survivability like this one.
I've tried replacing Garrosh's gift with Blast From the Depths (and adding Kobold Miners for a full excavate set), but the versatility of Garrosh's gift just felt more impactful. I wouldn't be surprised if an optimal version made room for the excavate package though; the ox is another ridiculous power swing for this deck.

Other card choices

Greedy partner: accelerates your combos by a turn. This can be the difference maker way more often than you might think. It allows Wrench on 4 into Testing Dummy on 5, sometimes even allowing the mini weapon if you have another coin or the Oscillator discount.

Omissions

More Board clears - the deck can generally put enough minions on the board to contest whatever your opponent has. The goal isn't to save up for one big combo turn. The goal is to apply midgame pressure and then pull off something backbreaking once you have sucked up your opponent's resources. Essentially, the goal is to outlast your opponent's board clears, instead of worrying about your own.
Riffs - the deck wants more minions early, and can't wait for 5 mana to start getting minions on board. The 1 and especially 3 mana riffs don't cut it.
Armor - your best defense is a bit of offense, and these cards are generally zero offense. Part Scrapper is pretty bad without Safety Goggles, as otherwise you're basically spending 4 mana to save 5 mana later (not great). Meanwhile, these cards eat up your draw, while you're looking to draw impactful or combo pieces.
Excavate - this is probably the closest package that deserves to make the cut. Replacing Executes or Garrosh's gift with Blast Charge, and then replacing another 2 drop with Kobold Miner. It was stronger when Pain Warlock was rampant, since you needed the Blast Charges to handle the giants. Now, they're more likely to sit dead, or get wasted on low-impact minions for the sake of the excavate. Also, the flexibility of Garrosh's Gift is hard to quantify, but quite often you're actually going for Shield Block.

Playstyle

The deck is surprisingly capable of keeping early presence to match aggro, while having enough mid and late game threats to pressure control decks.
The deck has a lot of 2 drops, so you often have to make some awkward choices through turns 2-4. Finding ways to get multiple procs off a single totem / gold panner can be incredibly important. And against aggro, these can basically soak up your opponent's attacks to protect your face.
It is not always better to proc both weapons on the same turn. Sometimes you should swing the 3 attack weapon and save the mini for a subsequent combo. Aggro sometimes doesn't even kill the Testing Dummy, allowing the same proc next turn.

Mulligan

Matchup dependent.

• Vs aggro: go for survivability tools (taunts, cheap minions, Backstage Bouncer). If you have a decent early curve, you could maybe keep Testing Dummy. The goal is to contest them as evenly as possible in the early game until you can throw out a Testing Dummy or Zilliax around turns 4-6 (help from Oscillator + Greedy Partner).
  
• Vs midrange: this basically means tall minions in the current format. Warlock, maybe handbuff Paladin, maybe Gaslight Rogue. Dig for Executes and Garrosh's Gift.
  
• Vs control: keep Testing Dummy, Gold Panner, Needlerock Totem, Greedy Partner. Maybe Roaring Applause if you have a tribal 1 drop and are going first. Basically do everything you can to accumulate resources, and trust that you will have the pieces you need to continuously build threats from turn ~5 onward.
  

My lower stomach has felt heavy and bloated almost all day and my upper stomach under the ribs hurts, throat n*, brain fog, fuzzy hands and feet, and weird shocks down my legs. I’m having such a weird sensation all throughout my body, I can feel my pulse in my neck, tongue, wrist, and in the back of my knee. I feel so anxious idk what to do, I’m just shaking in bed rn and my legs will twitch every other moment. Im not sure if this is a panic or anxiety attack or what, but it’s freaking me out so bad. I haven’t eaten anything weird or been exposed to anything, so idk what’s wrong. I’ve taken a zofran earlier (before this happened), and I’ve taken tums, gaviscon, and gas-x after dinner. I’m so scared can anyone talk?

Context : I have been a wheelchair user since I was three years old and diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and now I am twenty one , I recently had a surgery to help my chronic pain where they had to cut into my stomach to place a device . ( it’s helped with my chronic pain ! Yay! )
Ok so because of my MD I have always had poor trunk control and pre surgery was always pretty good at ramps , steep ones freaked me out but it was what it was . My main way of getting around is my power chair so it’s always freaked me out that if I were to flip the weight could kill me or there would be a concern of “ un-turtling” so to speak but I was pretty good at ramps . I had this surgery ( don’t regret it what so ever my chronic pain was more debilitating than being wheelchair bound ) and they had cut just a bit more on the stomach than the side than I thought they would so healing was fast until I lost my balance on a steep ramp and it scared me so much . So since than my mom/carer has been holding my chest basically pushing my body against my chair since I don’t have a chest strap and between that going backwards down ramps it’s been okay but at this point it’s ALL ramps that I’ve needed to do one of these .
I have this steep ramp ( I know getting rid of it soon . ) going outside my door and it really really freaks me out , so I was already nervous and just said yk what I’m gonna try backwards and I said to my carer I just need you to watch and hold me . I tried and my chair halfway through started to sip I had to punch it just to get back inside the house . It made me freak out and I started sobbing and shaking about how I almost tipped . My carer was watching my wheels and didn’t notice that the main part of the chair started to tip . I’m freaking about and want to get out of my house and just get it over with because after this steep one I have a second not steep one I have to also get down . I get down the first ramp and it wasn’t that bad but I’m still freaking out and went to back down the other and I was still so scared that I had someone push against my back while I had backed down it . Still panicking I took a moment, cried and took a deep breath and calm down. I finally got where I need to go .
It’s was just so humiliating that all of a sudden this thing that’s I’ve been pretty ok at for 18 years that it’s causing me to have panic attacks and not like I have a choice yk? Please if you have any answers or advice please let me know because I would go the traditional exercise route to strengthen my core but I am also fused at the spine . I have contacted my pt and will get in with her it’s just a bit of a wait . Please if you’ve had this problem please tell me what helped mentally and physically!

Background: I have ehlers danlos syndrome, fibromyalgia, POTS
TLDR?: My foot rolled over on itself early Thursday morning, went to urgent care to get an X-ray, claimed no fracture or dislocation. Foot has been gradually getting more swollen and blue bruise color. Went to ER early this morning (Tuesday) because of IMMENSE pain, they refused to admit me saying it wasn't a "true emergency" and refused to even do any kind of imaging study (X-ray, CT, ultrasound). Hospitalist I work with says that's bullshit, they should have admitted me. Earliest orthopedic appointment I could get is Thursday and I'm legitimately concerned now if I should try to go to a different hospital to try to get formally admitted so the surgeons can examine my foot.
So I unwrapped my foot right before settling in for bed (didn't think to take a photo and I don't wanna go through the whole process of unwrapping it now), the foot swelling is worse by about 10-20%, the cyanosis (blue bruise color of my skin) is starting to spread over my entire foot (it's like a very faint shade of blue-purple) and going up my ankle.
When we went to the hospital this morning at about 4am, doctor said "well we aren't going to admit you because this isn't an emergency, emergency, we will give you some pain meds and nausea meds so if you feel ill in your stomach you can take the nausea" despite me clearly saying "can I at least get an ultrasound or CT to check on the soft tissues?" And they refused saying I needed to be formally admitted for this.
The earliest I could get an orthopedist appointment is Thursday morning. It feels like my skin is being stretched painfully thin over my foot where the injury occured (basically I got up too fast from the couch, BP dropped, pots episode, foot rolled over on itself in my effort to self correct).
My boyfriend is really concerned about my foot (he's not one to easily worry) and is worried that I could lose potential sensation or worse case scenerio, possible toe amputation because of how badly swollen things look (as well as the bluish color).
So now I'm laying in bed, with a wrap around my banged up foot and a hot toes/hands in the wrapping to try heat therapy to encourage the muscles and everything to relax.
He flat out said "if you get a lot of pain again tonight, fuck it, we are going to another hospital and demanding you get admitted because this is not okay at all". I work with a hospitalist remotely in another state (been working with this one for about 8 years), explained the foot situation and he texted me "😠 what the fuck if I saw you, I would have absolutely admitted you."
So, what exactly is the next best move? Really hoping I don't wake up in the middle of the night in a lot of pain again, at the same time, I am now legit worried about the condition of my foot and I do not want to risk any life long damage to it or potential amputation of toes due to lack of blood flow because the swelling is so bad right now.

I made a post a bit ago so that could provide more context but I have such horrible sharp pain in the side/middle of my stomach. It's not like normal pain I've felt before and in so scared thst it's cramping as a sign of fp or sb its somewhat abdominal but also feels partially in my stomach. This is real pain unlike times before when. I thought it was bad This hurts so bad and I'm just really scared of what it means, it's especially painful if I slightly suck in my stomach

Long story short my (30s M finishing an MD/PhD) brother’s wife (30s F) is incredibly difficult to deal with. TL, DR at bottom. Some of the issues (I have to leave out some super specific stories) include:
1) Telling my mom to get botox before her and my brother’s wedding.
2) Repeatedly declares when and where we’re having holidays. I have a fiancee and we were dating for a few years before getting engaged so sometimes we prioritize her side, sometimes mine. If both work out that’s fantastic. But that decision is really between me and fiancee. Every single holiday is now an argument. She’ll declare what she’s making (including main dishes) and nobody else can make that. And she’s a pretty bad cook.
3) Scheduled a baby shower for a holiday and was ticked off a lot of people didn’t come - including me due to a prior school engagement. Wasn’t even sure men were supposed to go either way and my fiancee had a prior major engagement on her side. So we got them a small gift and a card ahead of time and she’s still mad. The school thing would not have been easy to move but mainly I couldn’t put up with her.
4) Makes a lot of nasty comments about everyone, her family, my family, friends, etc. She and my brother (who’s changed a lot) complained to my fiancee about me for 45mins and how immature I am. I think this is because I am one of few people who is absolutely ok firmly telling her no (for example “ok, it sounds like Thanksgiving isn’t going to work out this year. Hope to see you next year!”).
5) Doesn’t respect that other people’s health comes first. For example when some of us had covid she was livid we skipped some events. Recently my mom had a non-covid virus and she bullied her into doing an event sick. My cousin was in the hospital so she and her immediate family couldn’t make my brother’s wedding and they were nasty about that. Turned out ok but it almost killed my cousin.
6) Keeps bullying money out of my parents - who aren’t poor but aren’t rich by any means.
7) Micromanages stupid stuff - like how food should be cut (including things she didn’t make). How things are cleaned even tho the approach is completely sanitary. Etc.
So, I struggle with forgiveness and bitterness to begin with. Not overt nastiness but things I just have trouble letting go and ruminate in my own head about. And this situation is going to continue for a long, long time. It’s toxic, fixating on it is toxic, but ultimately it’s tough to forgive when the behavior won’t stop.
So how do I let this stuff go?

Today I’d like to talk about greed, see we can all agree that corporations by and large exist for the sole purpose of extracting your hard earned funds from your pretty little pockets in the sleaziest ways possible. In the worst scenarios as far as video games go, we have seen corporations leverage aggressive monetization schemes that closely mirror gambling in the form of loot boxes, or developers will lock significant content required to advance the game behind expensive paywalls.
Now, that being said, can we stop pretending that Multiversus is doing anything even remotely similar. Not only is there free access to premium currency, for both the cosmetic section, and the fighter section there was clearly a lot of work put into other aspects which are being neglected.
The Net-Code appears to be fixed, no more rubber-banding or getting hit early or late unless you’re the problem, and I say that as someone who lives in the literal middle of nowhere.
There’s start up lag and whiff lag which makes reads more viable, as well as the addition of parrying, so we see a lot more dynamic play potential with those additions. Punishing is consistent, and dodging doesn’t feel as oppressive or free as it did before which ultimately makes things feel more fair especially in terms of neutral play.
The slower pace isn’t a bad thing, I think once you’ve got a grasp on a character the movement starts to flow more naturally, and every character is equipped with ways to continue combos and chase enemies.
Some people are complaining about the zoom affecting their ability to see bars or keep projectiles like Jerry in sight. You shouldn’t be walking across the map with someone in Jason’s bag, or held in Jake’s stomach, you should have a clear idea of what’s next, and where your combo is going, hence my assertion that sometimes I don’t think the game is slow, instead it seems players are. As for Tom and Kamikaze Jerry players, from a technical standpoint, it doesn’t feel like you’re supposed to be launching Jerry across everything on the map, he plays close by design, and he’s great for shutting down enemies in the air, you’re missing your shots if he’s out of your line of sight. Imagine if you were playing the Ice Climbers by killing one every time, that’s dumb and it’s not the developers fault if you’re playing that way.
Then on top of all that, they added single player content that’s meant to give less competitive players something they can enjoy without feeling pressure. It’s got a story, mini-games that increase in difficulty as you progress, boss fights, unique interactions, and animated cutscenes, all of which give you more access to more stuff.
Moving along to less important more dope things,
The character models are all polished and look really good, there’s a lot of love that went into the design of these models and it shows. Jason fits the art style strangely well, and his kit is one of the most fun in the game to date while still staying thematically consistent with his source material. The Batman Who Laughs, and the Killing Joke skins are both really genuinely great, not to mention this will ostensibly be Mark Hamill’s last Joker performance in honor of Kevin Conroy. So, looking at those two facts alone, Player’s First took Jason from the terrible development hell he was in and brought him to his first appearance in a video game in years that doesn’t have to lamp-shade him, and they reunited two of the most iconic characters in comic book history voiced by arguably the most legitimate and well known people to portray said characters.
Dexter’s Lab is beautiful, and it plays like a dream, the moving map, and the changing hazards are a work of art. Townsville and MoJoJoJo are so much fun as well, and I haven’t heard anyone really mention any positive things about the tangible ways Player’s First listened to feedback and expanded on what was already a fun experience.
And they did all that, and they gave it to you for free, if you supported them in the beta, they’re essentially giving you a free character, free access to all future battle passes, and cosmetics which contribute to your prestige points so you can get more skins and cosmetics for free. And yet somehow people still consider them to be greedy because they’re not giving you 10% of the content which they clearly worked incredibly hard to produce.
We as gamers need to step back and look at ourselves because some of you are the most entitled insufferable people on the planet, and you’re going to kill what has the potential to be a genuinely great gaming experience because they wouldn’t give you exactly everything you wanted, just 97% of it.
TLDR: PFG did their jobs, and did well, most of you are what’s wrong with modern gaming.

My husband and I have been married about 3 years now. We have been together about 6 years tho. He is an amazing husband, super attentive to our children, and is all around a great guy. Something that has been an issue for years now is how often he gets sick. I wouldn’t say it’s a flu/cold type of sick but body pains. There is always a complaint. If it’s not a headache, it’s eye pain, if not that it’s leg pain, rib pain, ear pain, back pain. Today he woke up I already dreaded asking him how he is doing because it’s always something!! Apparently today he woke up with a stomach ache, and a headache. One day he will be okay and the next it’s something random like his nose, allergies, a headache, or nausea. It gets so freakin exhausting. I feel bad for how mad it makes me but we cannot go one week with there being at least something. I have grown into the habit of rolling my eyes now anytime there is a complaint. He still pushes through each time and still works and helps with the kids. But is it mentally hard on me, YES. As much as I love him it can make me very negative. I wish I could just cancel all his bodily woes, and poof be gone but that’s not the case. His doctors have said he has high blood pressure which he manages with meds but that’s about it. He is only in his mid thirties but he complains like he is at least 60. It triggers my anger because of how often it is! It has been going on for years and it makes me so angry I have to walk away sometimes. The way I complain about how annoying it is also causes him to lie sometimes when he’s pain, and then I feel even worse but I cannot help it. He takes care of himself with whatever pain medicine or nap he needs, so I’m not really his caregiver but mentally it irritates me so much. It is rare that we can go one full week with no complaints. How do I even go about discussing this with him? I’m worried he’s just gonna start to hide whatever he’s feeling to avoid my reaction.

Okay so I’ll skip over the boring parts, but my dream took place in like a post apocalyptic world and me and my boyfriend were together with a group of other survivors. In my dream I wanted a kid so bad. (I will say I feel the same way about it in real life but me and my boyfriend are both male so it’s a little hard) So there was like this creepy doctoscientist that said he could help us and long story short he some how created a embryo and place inside another male….. I’m not sure but it happened. While he was injecting it into the guy a swarm of black birds (I wanna say crows) flew around him and the doctor and a storm rolled in . Months later it’s ready for the baby to come out and all of a sudden I could literally see the baby kicking and pushing outta the stomach like it was trying to break its way out the doctor ended up getting the baby out but the crows came back and swarmed all around us and the baby. The baby came out semi normal it was giving me demonic vibes 👀 like a feeling of this is wrong and should never have happened and in my dream I said this is wrong. I should also note that I lucid dream every night I’m vary aware in my dream but this one was different I could still control my body and what I do and say but I could not change the theme and story like a normally can I kind of just had to ride with it. It almost felt like a nightmare but I also enjoyed having a child but everything just felt so wrong. And the crows made it worse. Any one have a thought on wtf this means or is this just one of those really weird dreams.

Australia will still be dealing with a wide range of health issues in 2024, with the colder months being the peak for seasonal illnesses including respiratory infections and influenza. This year's flu season has been especially bad, as seen by a rise in hospital admissions and recorded cases over the previous few years. To stop the virus from spreading, health authorities are advising the public to be vaccinated and to maintain proper cleanliness. Furthermore, respiratory illnesses are adding to the strain on the healthcare system. These infections are made worse by environmental variables like smoke from bushfires.
Heart disease, diabetes, and cancer are the three most common chronic illnesses, and they continue to be major health concerns. Type 2 diabetes incidence has increased noticeably, and this trend is largely attributable to lifestyle choices like eating poorly and not exercising. The national health campaign on physical activity and nutrition is one of the many healthy living projects being carried out by the Australian government. Funding for research into new medicines and early detection programmes are two further ways that cancer rates are being tackled.
Concerns about mental health are receiving increased attention as the value of psychological well-being becomes more widely recognised. An increased frequency of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions has been linked to the COVID-19 pandemic. Better access to mental health treatments, such as telehealth options and support programmes, is being pushed for as a result. To encourage more people to seek support and assistance, efforts are being made to lessen the stigma attached to mental health issues.
Taking care of our health is very important to make us capable of doing more and becoming more. As the saying goes, "Health is wealth".

I don’t know how to describe it other than anguish. I am in so much pain. I hate myself so much everything I do makes me want to. Curl in a ball and die. I ruin everything. Looking at myself makes me want to stab a knife through my stomach. I want to kill myself slowly bad it’s been on my mind for the longest time. I’m so tired. I don’t deserve to be here I don’t want to be here. There is no one who cares like I do and wants to help me and I’m too much of a mess to be helped. I’m so fucking annoying everything I do is annoying I just want to fucking overdose bro I’m so close. The Zoloft isn’t doing anything I feel terrible. Why can’t I be better. Life is so fucking terrible I don’t know what to do anymore I need help. Please.

Hey everyone. Myself (25F) and my hubby (31m) have been together for 4 years now. We have a great relationship with very little issues.
My main issue is, he does not clean his anus properly. What I mean by this, when he showers, just doesn’t clean it at all. Avoids the area and just washes his butt cheeks. He is a very heavy sweater throughout the day, so the stench from his anus can get very strong very quick. I found brown on his bath towel the other day. He also has brown marks in his pants/underwear. One issue he also has is his smell is very poor along with taste. He can only taste spicy things, or very sweet things. Also he cannot smell stinky smells. He cannot smell his underarms when they stink. I have to remind him.
I’ve talked to him about it a few times and nothing changes. Sometimes he has to go and “wash” before I will give him any oral sex just because the smell is so bad, it once almost made me vomit when I went down on him (i have a strong stomach).
What do I do? The only issue in our marriage currently is I don’t give him oral as much because I am tired of asking him to wash properly, and it embarrasses him every time. He is someone with a high sex drive as well so this is starting to put strain on him.
I love my husband. He means the world to me and more. I’m just not sure how to fix this.
I also want to point out I am a very hygienic person. I have braces, I brush my teeth multiple times a day, I have a bidet on our toilet, showers every day, etc.
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Edit: post is locked, i can’t reply to comments but i can post this edit. i’m not too reddit savvy. Thank you all for your replies.
A lot of you have been saying how am I still attracted to him, married to him, giving him sex and oral, etc.
When I started noticing his bad hygiene it grossed me out and turned me off to the max to the point i didn’t even want to hug him. Then i mentioned it to him for the first time. He got defensive and didn’t want to talk about it anymore but he said he would wash it better. I was thrilled.
We kept having sex, but I did not give him any oral as I was still very turned off from the situation. I started noticing when he would get up from the bed, I would smell it. I mentioned it to him again and got the same response.
Then he meets with me a few weeks later saying he’s feeling very self conscious about not receiving any oral. I will say he did guilt me into giving him some and it’s basically permanently put me off from giving him any oral sex.
I stay with him because I love him. I know how it sounds and I would say that’s ridiculous and to improve my self respect if i saw someone else say it, but it’s true. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. This wasn’t an issue until about 1.5 years into our relationship. I was even hesitant on marrying him due to the issue. I convinced myself it would be fixed eventually and married him.
I am going to withhold sex and try to speak to him again about it but firmly like many of you have said. I’ll also try to post an update in a few weeks. I would love to be sexually active frequently with him again but it’s just such a turn off.
Thank you all for your input and help.

I think I have a little over twenty pages left of “Carrie.” The main character is definitely less sympathetic in the novel than she is in any of the film adaptations (typically, the one I’m thinking of when I talk about “Carrie” here is the 1976 adaptation.) I found myself thinking while reading about Carrie’s interaction with her mother that, while I’m sure certain scenes have been left out of the film adaptations simply because they’d elongate the adaptations, I also think that the audience wouldn’t be able to stomach some of these scenes. “Carrie” in the novel is actually fairly different from Carrie in any of the film adaptations I’ve seen - here, she seeks vengeance in a way that almost makes her seem a bit ruthless to me. I won’t state what it is that she specifically does because it’d be a huge spoiler, but innocent people are harmed, and we understand that she is taking sincere pleasure in what she is doing. She’s really ready to go after everyone. The film adaptation makes her seem like more of a sincerely sweet girl who has simply been pushed to the brink. In the novel, I get the impression that she, although of course not a bad person (especially not in the way of her peers,) is just taking it all too far, ready to go after people who didn’t hurt her in a way that makes her feel less human to me. I feel conflicted however, because I think that part of King’s point is that Carrie White has been treated by those around her as if she isn’t human, as if she is a disgusting, gawky, eccentric monster who deserves to be punished… and you must stop and wonder, wouldn’t receiving that kind of treatment for years and years on end make anyone crack?

I cant control my breathing or racing thoughts. Im having stomach issues (Which i have been seen for) and every symptom i have triggers another panic attack. Today it got so bad that my face and hands got tingly and my eye lids twitched and at the end of it i felt off balance. My chest feels heavy and im wondering if anyone else has a heavy chest bone that wont go away? I cant get away from the constant fear of immediate death. Wondering who else has these symptoms.

About 2.5 years ago I started to have really bad stomach issues. I noticed every time I ate dairy my stomach would hurt and when I would drink carbonation I would immediate hiccup after one sip and get extremely bloated. I went to my first GI doctor who said to cut out all dairy. That did help for a bit but then I started noticing reflux symptoms. It was constant every day. I call them my bubbles and I would feel it every day no matter what I ate or drank and there was never any relief. I could feel it literally come from my stomach up my esophagus and hit my throat but no burning whatsoever. I went back to the GI and they said to cut out dairy, carbonation, caffeine, and alcohol. During this appointment i believe is when I mentioned I’ve never burped before. It had always just been a fun fact I would tell people and no one would believe me growing up. That was dismissed. I was then put on omeprazole which really didn’t do anything and scheduled for an Upper Endoscopy. During that they found nothing but told me just to continue the omeprazole and when I said it wasn’t working I was told to go buy some Pepcid. I was livid so I immediately dropped that doctor and found another GI and started the whole process over again. I mentioned to this GI that I have never burped before but that was also just a fact that was glossed over. This GI seemed to think it was a sensory issue and put me on mirtazapine. Over the next two months of being on that I did semi notice a change in the very beginning of taking it but that progress stopped pretty quickly. Over two months I gained 20lbs on that medication and my mental health plummeted. I went back and was told basically to cold turkey the mirtazapine and start nortryptaline. I took a half dose for one night and I felt like I just got out of a swimming pool for two days. Extreme sweating. After that I wasn’t on anything and this just kept going downhill. I was extremely depressed and felt like there was no hope for figuring out what this was. I found a therapist and Phychiatrist to help regulate my mental health again after being put on and ripped off so many medications. I then decided to take things into my own hands. I had researched RCPD because I truly felt that described exactly what I was going through. I booked an appointment for an ENT and wrote the disorder down on my chart. The doctor came in and she was my lifesaver! She had never heard of the disorder and actually admitted she had to google it before coming in but she had already called another specialist and read him my chart and he told her to send me his way because he agreed with my diagnosis! Two days later I was in Dr. Bradley’s office and he ran through everything with me and started the process of getting me scheduled for the Botox procedure. Now I am 5 days post op and my life is completely changed! I started micro burping and a few big burps the day after the procedure! I no longer feel sick or bloated every day. I used to puke after one alcoholic drink and now I am trying to figure out what my tolerance actually is because I feel totally “normal” when drinking. I no longer have to air vomit every time I drink or even times I’m not drinking and the bubbles were bad to get relief. It has been crazy to realize this is what my body should actually feel like every day! I am so glad I took things into my own hands and got this done! I am already feeling like my old self before symptoms got bad! I can’t wait to continue to see the progress and get control over the burping but for now I’m just enjoying the feeling of relief and my friends have found it entertaining! No one could believe I’d never burped before and now that I am I have to find a new never have I ever fact haha!
I am also so glad I found this subreddit! Finding people who truly understand what I’ve been going through and relating to all these posts knowing I’m not alone has been so great!