My dog has lumps at the joints

Fighting/Normal: OHKO (One Punch Man but instead of one effortless punch it’s a touch of death combo he has to )
Species: Mugen
Planet: Sonof
Appearance

• Humanoid blank white body
• Thick Smooth/Blocky appearance (like made of pillows)
• Headband and Gi are common wares

Powers and Abilities

• Enhanced Strength
• Unlimited Stamina
• Extremely High Pain Tolerance
• Semi-Mechanical Nature does not need to eat, sleep, or breathe
  • Unaging
• Slight combat prowess
• Slightly stuns the opponent on contact with physical force (specifically after a physical hit. Applies to non living beings as well)
• Once an attack lands, it’ll receive enough energy to continue physically attacking it in a never-ending combo. Dealing blows significantly faster, gaining strength with each hit and eventually able to deal noticeable damage to almost any target with each hit.

Weaknesses/Drawback

• Slow movement
• Limited Fighting Capabilities
• Attacks are usually short
  • Can extend reach but takes notable time so it needs to make an effort to land combo
• Combo can be interrupted, loses momentum and needs to land another hit when it does.

Species/Planet Fact: The Mugen started as semi-organic creations by a long dead civilization who sought to try experiments designing different types of warriors. Eventually the planet will be inhabited by foreign researchers. These researchers have been working on enhancing them with various effects to increase their capabilities, and give them more movement and combat options. But during testing it was discovered that watching the Mugen fight with or without enhancements is incredibly entertaining resulting and a strong source of combat study. This discovery redirected their experiments being used for sports instead of warfare even preventing what would’ve been an interplanetary war by turning it into a competitive sport, exploding the planet in popularity. During this explosion there was the discovery of a single fight between two Mugen that have went on for centuries before the first immigration and has been fiercely protected from interruptions since its discovery.
Fighting/Grass: Doungwun Nemetrix predator of the Chunwin (See Kung book in Grass Types)
Appearance

• Green Body
• Mantis like Body
• 2 Pairs of claws with sharp fanged ends, each with a long membrane hanging off of them.
• Multiple pair of locust-like wings under where abdomen should be.
• Reptilian head
• Pupilless Eyes

Hunting Method

• Flight
• High reflexes
• Claws able to capture and break of Chunwin limbs, and attach to body of prey.
• Membranes absorb attack from Chunwin
• Long retractible tongue able to launch with precision and strength, able to pierce the body and grasp onto vital organs.

Planet/Species Fact: Despite the Doungwun seemingly biologically engineered to beat Cunwin on one to one combat, countering their various techniques. They rather take less ‘honorable’ tactics whenever possible. In populated areas they’d quickly overwhelm their prey with high numbers and quickly attack before the Chunwin gets a chance to swing. If there are aren’t any others nearby it’ll try to ambush its prey from hard to reach angles in the air. Only when it’s alone and has caught the attention of its prey, will it attach itself and engage its prey in close range combat. Most Chunwin societies simply use traps, or other tools to protect themselves from these predators. But a predator that chooses to engage in a one on one duel is more respected and results in a more respected death (for either one). So some Chunwin warriors leave themselves open to solo Doungwun attacks as some form of test.
Fighting/Fire: Racaln the Nemetrix predator of the Clabestro (See Firing Squad in Fire types)
Appearance

• Large translucent viscous puddle with various organs inside, including left overs from prey
  • A lot of mouths and eyes
  • Able to reconfigure organs inside body
• Able to raise body in multiple large bumps of various sizes, which usually containing organs

Hunting Method

• Raises body with jaw to consume prey on its body
• Full sensory of targets on its liquid body
• Viscous body can regenerate (and even split into multiple organisms)
• Prey stable on body is inflicted with Hallucinogenic and Auditory illusions, to make them unable to see and hear others allowing the Racaln to strike admit this confusion
  • Also able to block telepathic and electronic communication
• Able to use the natural weapons of digested prey (ie the guns of the Clabestro)

Planet/Species Fact: Racaln only prey on the Clabestro when they’re split up and small. They don’t do any harm when they’re merged on one bigger body. But since most Clabestro combat (which happens very often) has them in their small split up forms. This makes it common for Racalns to be collected from the wild or bred in captivity to be utilized as excellent traps, and denying area. This practice would also be used as a mark to safeguard places from violence, to prevent Clabestro from splitting to engage in combat. This practice has spread to official gatherings like courts and diplomatic meetings.
Fighting/Water: Ultimate Slush (See Original in Water Types)
Appearance

• Dark Green Body
• Loses gourd
• Various sharp attachments that have the appearance of the sharp bottlenecks of broken bottle
• Core with an unbalanced changing color in head

Powers/Ability

• Retain expert flexibility
• More aggressive fighting style (while retaining it’s drunken boxer like moves)
• Fire Projection
• Can’t feel pain
• Core hypnotizes targets on sight, intoxicating them
• Able to use sharp accessories

Weaknesses/Drawbacks:

• More Violent personality
• Can’t spill out body to trip opponents
• Loses Elasticity

Fighting/Elctric: Ultimate Fightning Rod (See Web Work in Electric Types)
Appearance

• Long thin build made of lightning
• Normally invisible

Powers/Ability

• Invisibility
• Intangibility
• Invincibility
• Whenever an Influx of energy (Any kind) in an area appears:
  • Able to instantly teleport to any place where the energy is dispersed
  • Doing so attacking the target with massive strength directly proportional to energy
  • Once energy subsides or moves outside of energy influx, body becomes invisible/intangible again
• When visible, can absorb all kinds of energy
• Able to unleash a large burst of both sound and light with absorbed energy

Weaknesses/Drawbacks:

• Unable to extend body parts
• Can only deal damage in large bursts of energy
• Is no longer invincible when exposed a large energy influx in a prolonged duration

Fighting/Flying: Ultimate Fight and Flight (See original in Flying Types)
Appearance

• Black/Brown coloring scheme
• Face is more crow like
• Tails are longer
• Hawk-like eyes and wings
• Larger body

Powers/Ability

• Stronger
• Faster
• Enhanced Senses
  • Slight Danger Senses
• Hypnotic Stare
  • Invokes Intimidation into targets provoking them into either fighting or running
  • When staring at foes, they’re able to read gains seconds precognition into multiple visions whether they fight or fly and combinations of timelines when they do both. Visions show what they would do, but is able to be altered with the newfound knowledge in real time.
  • Precognition can predict unknown interferences like hidden dangers
  • Heightened intelligence and brain processing speed to plan out effective strategy to hunt or combat their attempts

Weaknesses/Drawbacks:

• Unable to split self into two forms
• Using hypnotic stare on multiple targets can overwhelm self
• Predicted precognitive visions can be avoided if target resists hypnosis making them prep for things that won’t happen

Fighting/Ice: Giengar Nemetrix predator of the Ashe (See Burrzerker in Ice Types)
Appearance

• Skeletally thin limbs
• Very lanky frame (usually hunched over)
• Large Wooly body
• Long clawed fingers
• Sharp Teeth

Hunting Method

• Immunity to cold
• Silent movement
• Inflicts hallucinations on target nearby especially Ashe
  • Inflicts shadowy hallucination of a competitive animal (usually the same as the affected prey) causing the target to continuously attack hallucination.
  • Target eventually tires out attacking hallucination, losing adrenaline and succumbing to hypothermia or exhaustion.

Planet/Species Fact: Giengar are omnivores. In cold seasons they eat large predators with their primarily skill of inducing hallucinations that tire out its target before having its body frozen over for it to consume with its teeth designed to crush frozen objects. They gain this power by consuming mushrooms from warmer, jungle biomes that contain spores which has a similar effect to targets that breathe them in (though less concentrated and ends with less fatalities). Giengars are immune to these spores so during the warmer seasons they migrate to the jungle to consume high amounts of these mushrooms to expel their spores in large concentrations during hunting season. Normal Ashe that occupy these jungles stay away from the dangerous arctic biomes the Giengars hunt in, so to them the Giengar are seen as harmless. Since even if the Giengars try to use the spores against them, the conditions aren’t lethal and the lack of the Ashe’s adrenaline won’t inhibit their ability to recognize their condition and react accordingly instead of wasting their energy fighting.
Fighting/Ground: Ultimate Mudripper (See Original in Ground Types)
Appearance

• Diamond Skin
• Loses eyes
• Elongated Snout
• Six pairs of short legs
• Clawed Hands
• Glass Hairs
• Loses Tail

Powers/Ability

• Enhanced Smelling Senses
• Heatproof
• Durable and ough Diamond Skin
• Sharp Claws
• High Speed Burrowing
• Thermo-adaptation
• Able to resurface lava and create lava motes/small volcanos on ground from underneath
• Drooling Lava Saliva
• Able to walk on surfaces
• Vacuum Adaptation

Weaknesses/Drawbacks:

• Loss of Eyesight
• Can’t Jump
• Unable to grab object with claws as well as base form hands
• Can’t Swim

Fighting/Rock: Ovivine Nemetrix predator of the Sabter (See Mountain Goat in Fighting Types)
Appearance

• Sheep-based body
• Green Wool
• Flowers growing on body

Hunting Method

• Wool is able to absorb strong impacts
• Vine-like tendrils on side of body able to connect to cliffsides
• Able to camouflage selves into a grass pile
• Grows a disconnected field perpendicular to the cliffside making it look its prey is on the ground
  • Field camouflaged to be unable to be seen from below
• Able to communicate with Sabter to trick it on standing on the field, of the cliff before falling to their deaths.

Planet/Species Fact: While Ovivine can talk and mimic sentient emotions its only purpose is to gain the trust of prey as a mere predatory mechanism, their brains aren’t capable of deeper introspective thought or sentience when alone. Sabter are worn of the Ovivine though largely they are seen as myth with how very few sightings they are and how little the Ovivine are actually active due to their slow metabolism. Ovivines cover their prey on the floor and slowly consume it whilst morphing its body to appear as a mere lump of ground covered in grass, which is another factor into how little they’re seen. Occasionally they encounter some Sabter who are very much aware of them, and their tricks so in those cases they simply push them off the cliff side. Though this method relies on the element of surprise since their physical strength is much weaker than the average Sayter.
Fighting/Bug: Ultimate Float Stinger (See Original in Bug Types)
Appearance

• Slightly bigger body
• Longer wasp like structure
• New Vertical striped black and white body

Powers/Ability

• Able to summon a near indestructible hive shaped structure
  • This pocket dimension draws in 2 individuals (which can include the creator) into an arena pocket dimension.
  • Telepathic communication with all individuals in pocket dimensions
  • Individuals in the pocket dimension must follow certain reality altering conditions to set a “fair fight”
    • This usually includes removal of “powers” but can also vary to have no removal or even the addition of powers
    • Fight doesn’t have to be direct combat and more of a much as a sport
    • Individual size are usually scaled to be relatively similar
  • Individuals leaves once one or both is considered ‘defeated’ or by the creator’s permission

Weaknesses/Drawbacks:

• Rules set in arena must be made to be fair for both individuals
• No longer able to project honey to prevent powers
• Slightly slower and weaker outside of hives
• Reality altering rules only affect targets inside a hive

Fighting/Psychic: Muscle Memory (Alien Taskmaster)
Species: Reffox
Planet: Arbeitar
Appearance

• Tall Humanoid muscular appearance
• Body looks skinless and made of muscles
• Egg-shapd head and single eye

Powers and Abilities

• Enhanced Atleticism
• High combat p rowess
• Able to slowly build up strength and speed
• Photographic reflexes
• When looking at any moving target, able to quickly learn, memorize, and mimic that targets moves allowing them to be able to come up with a counter for it.
  • Also applies to their use of tools

Weaknesses

• Can only memorize and mimic movements not powers
• Can only enhance strength and speed in short bursts
• May be at risks for learning ineffective techniques

Planet/Species Fact: Due to the fact that all Reffox are all physically the same and that any unique skill that are developed is quickly assimilated by one another. Reffox populations share a yearning for a sense of identity. So many Reffox head off to other cultures/planets to use their learned skills to be able to make an identity of themselves, whether it be an athlete a performer, a warrior, a hero, or in some cases a criminal or ruler. This feeling is felt through all Reffox and when two of them meet, they silently agree to not show their skills to each other to keep their identity. Though if they do want to share they return to Arbeitar to tell their stories or inspire new skills for the next generation who would tell their story.
Fighting/Poison: Biolence (Fist of the North Star Powered by drugs, and can weaponize their own explosions )
Species: Gomane Planet: Omawoshindyu
Appearance

• Rough Green Skin
• Orc Like Head
• Muscular Build
• Costume comes with a mouth-covering mask
• Large Hands

Powers and Abilities

• Enhanced Strength
• Strength and size are gradually enhances from absorbing normally hazardous or even just unhealthy substances
• Body is slowly producing its own internal toxins
• Noxious Stench
• Poisons eventually build up into large cysts on skin that eventually bursts into powerful noxious and slightly toxic gas expulsion when ‘popped’, able to do damage from force
  • Able to control cyst development early
  • Cysts become more powerful with more hazardous substances given
  • Able to transfer poisonous cyst development onto others from force of contact, usually other species skin is not built to handle the expulsion causing damage when they pop

Weaknesses

• When exposed to hazard substances, the Cysts become faster developed and harder to control possibly hindering the body
• Loses strength build after cyst has popped
• Mind can be altered to be more violent depending on hazardous substances consumed, commonly manifests in an addiction or violent temperament (usually removed when expelled)

Planet/Species Fact: Eons ago a large vapor of toxic alien pollutants was mysterious dropped on Omawoshindyu mutating all inhabitants and killing off massive amounts of life, however life stiff have adapted and eventually evolved resulting in the modern Gomanes. By the time their own society has formed, the pollutants have been absorbed into the earth or dissipated from the atmosphere allowing fertile greener life to grow. Ironically most of Gomane society promotes healthy activity like proper diet in exercise, for it allows them to control their cyst development more effectively even when there sped up, which they use in hunting and combat sports. However crime activity is still noticeable involving addiction, violence, and gang activity. Mostly originating in highly polluted/deserted wastelands. As various poisons are being produced and mines
Fighting/Ghost: Body-structor (Havik from MK1 with hints of Water Law from One Piece)
Species: Rankensain
Planet: Taxodoom
Appearance

• Tone “Action Figure like structure”
• Smoothed out Joints
• Skeletal head
• Sharp Claws
• Retractable Spikes on limbs
• Leathery skin
• Large tail

Powers and Abilities

• Enhanced Strength and Stamina
• Combat Prowess
• Immortality
• Quick Cellular Regeneration
• Able to detach own limbs/body parts and effectively control them when attached.
• Able to grow a detached body part on the detached body
• Able to detach others limbs/body parts of target on contact
  • Able to attach body parts detached this way to self
  • Body parts detached this way can still be controlled and are controlled by the head/brain they are attached to (all head/brain are in control of themselves). If their original head/brain is detached they can still be controlled by that head/brain unless it’s on attached to another of the same body part in which case they can’t move.
    • With the exception of Rankensains who can control their own body parts even while their heads are on a different body.
  • Different body parts can be reattached to other bodies detached this way, even in places the body parts don’t go
  • Specifically in the Omnitrix after retransformation original rankensain body parts will dematerialize and all new attached body parts from detached bodies will fall off.

Weaknesses:

• Slightly slow
• Detachment requires strong force of contact
• Targets dispatched bodies can reattach their own parts, and can’t take them off again when put back into place (Can only be detached again by a Rankensain)
• Body parts attached to wrong part of body can be dispatched by anything even by accident
• Targets can disconnect different a body part that wasn’t originally there’s
• After regrowing a body part that was already attached, the original detached body part will lose its structure and melt
• Will die if all body parts are destroyed too fast
• Only their own body parts can detach other limbs

Planet/Species Fact: Body parts are the Rankensains main currency. While most body parts are gathered from hunted animals on their world. Rankenstains have developed interplanetary transportation to gather valuable alien body parts. Often by nefarious methods like warfare, grave robbing, or even homicide, making them a disdained and feared species across multiple planets. There are labs made to create clones of existing limbs to replace active hunting to remove the need for travel, but with how often exploration is used and how slow the cloning process is, Rankensains still commonly hunt aliens for their limbs as part of a darker slightly underground culture. To get around their negative reputation, Rankensains would remove their own brains and implant them into other bodies to disguise themselves.
Fighting/Dragon: Medisnake (Combat Snake with Street Fighter Chi abilities)
Species: Ansatryu
Planet: Chakrenin
Appearance:

• Long Reptilian Body built similarly to a Skink
• Dragonoid Scales
• Small Limbs
• Bipedal

Powers/Abilities:

• Enhanced Combat Prowess
• Slithering
• Easily able to enter a meditative state for enhanced self-control, psychological/emotional balance, mental clarity, and even healing
  • Able to access pressure points that puts allies in a similar state
• Natural chi-like energy and mastery
  • Energy skills normally manifest as enhanced athletic skills and energy projection at a basic level
  • Energy can be personalized into a different element or even power

Weaknesses

• Personalization initially requires a level of training that the Omnitrix transformation doesn’t initially give.

Planet/Species Fact: Initially Ansartyu were seen as pets of another more human-like species called the Shotogun and as intelligent as their owners. However, eventually the Shotogun would discover their ability to tap into their own personal well of the same chi-like energy and start practicing it for various means. However back then only a handful of masters would be able use it, and only at a very basic level. Until one Shotogun prince discovered that his treasured Ansatryu was able to tap into and unlock further levels of mastery. With this knowledge the prince learned from his Ansatryu and developed a closer bond with it, even teaching his pet higher levels of intelligence as he was taught further mastery of chi. Later he would teach others how to learn from their Ansatryu and his own Ansatryu will give intelligence to others of his species, leading to the point where Ansatryu are now partners living in the same world as the Shotogun in relative harmony.
Fighting/Steel: Weapon Blaster (Tank Knight with hand guns that shoots bladed weapons) Species: Arthmo
Planet: Palawar
Appearance

• Tall metal body
• Tank treads for legs
• Knight-Like Helmet
• Short cannons for arms

Powers and Abilities

• Enhanced Durability
• Enhanced Eyesight
• Full rotating body
• Canon arms launch out metal objects commonly melee weapons like swords, spears, axes etc at high speeds
  • Weapons are animated and “preprogrammed to move in ways/fly in a direct path and can be “preprogrammed’
  • Can be locked onto a focused target and rotate/swing in a specific way whilst following the target
• Other different types of weapon shooting
  • Machine Gun type: able to launch out multiple imprecise smaller metal weapons that can’t be animated
  • Sniper: Able to launch a singular fast powerful far reaching weapon
  • Giant: Able to launch one giant weapon a short distance that stays out longer.

Weaknesse

• Drawbacks of each weapon shooting
• Slow Tank like movement
• Can only create simple metal objects
• Weapon projectiles can be moved offcourse
• Weapon projectiles can only stay out a minute before dissipation
• Weapons take time and varying degrees of focus to charge before launch which increases with duration of animation
  • Shooting out a large powerful weapon increases load time, and can’t shoot more weapons while the giant weapon is out

Species/Planet Fact: Arthmo is an artificial species created from a combination of alchemy and engineering by a master at both, commissioned by a great king. They were meant to be used as weapons of warfare and even companions. However an enemy army raided the kingdom, and killed both the lord and creator after the first Arthmo woke up. So the lab was well hidden so the Arthmo followed the instructions of its creator and created more of it, and slaying the enemy army. Now they defend the remaining members of their kingdom to allow it to rebuild. However, rumor has it that a surviving enemy found the original Arthmo lab.
Fighting/Dark: Spotshot
Species: Dalmate
Planet: Cerberence
Appearance

• Dalmatian white and black spotted pattern body
• Monkey like proportions and arms
• Dog like head
• Paws for feet
• Long tail with a forked end

Powers/Abilities:

• Enhanced Athleticism
• Enchanted Acrobatics
• Wall Crawling
• Able to use forked tail and string-like mucus in between split as a slingshot
• Shoots able to launch “spots” from tail
• Dark skin works good for camouflage
• Combat Prowess
  • Spots inflict a strong force on impact
  • Leaves a spot mark on the target, and can potentially blind a living target
  • Projectile spots are able to fly out of marks
  • Able to make spots launch off objects on impact before making mark
  • Hitting mark with multiple projectile creates a bigger mark, and a bigger projectile by extension
  • Able to absorb Dalmate spots on own body

Weaknesses/Drawbacks

• Spots dissipate after minutes
• Unable to projects spots marked on body

Species/Planet Fact: The spotted biological materials that generate the Dalmate’s projectile “spots”, is a shared trait amongst a handful of different Cereberence animal species and even some plant life. Those species has a spot of a different color that was meant harm all other species/subspecie for predation or predator avoidance. Other species that don’t have this projectile ability do have spotted patterns on them to warn predators, or even create similar marks on objects to protect territory by intimidation.To weaponize their own “spots” Dalmate tribes would farm different animals and use them in different methods that changes their spot markings to battle other tribes with their own spot slinging skills to prevent it from being simply absorbed into its targets body.
Fighting/Fairy: Best-O Change-O (Magical Girl/Boy Recruiting Bunny)
Species: Usegin
Planet: Lunakessho
Appearance

• Anthropomorphic Bunny
• Biological Crystal accessories on head
• Natural mask-like fur pattern on head and pupils eyes (males only)
  • Crown like horns on females
• Standard outfit of a Tuxedo-like suit, or School-Girl dress based on gender

Powers/Abilities

• Natural magic potential
• Enhanced leaping
• Enhanced Athleticism
• Costume transmutation
• Able to enhance a small hand held object
  • Transmutes the object into a specialized weapon and usually able to project a specialized material/force/or element (depends on a combination of both the individual and object)
• Able to enhance another object allowing an Ally to gain a similar weapon and the same powers of an Usegin except the ability to enchant other objects.

Weaknesses

• Only able to utilize one weapon at a time
  • Applies to allies, they can only utilize their chosen object
• Takes a while to enchant another object for an ally after the first
• After an allies enchanted objects breaks they lose their gained abilities
  • Ally abilities also go away when the Omnitrix Transformation ends

Planet/Species Fact: Lunakessho is a magical planet where all the inhabitants would practice magic, protected by an order of Usegin knights. However dark forces used by villains and monsters would arise practicing this dark magic and almost threatened to corrupt the universe. The Usegin order managed to fight them off but with a threat on that kind of scale and some remaining presence of their enemies they decided to seal of the planet into another realm. However, now there is an occult group mages summoned the order on various points of different moons using a ritual that was meant to be used in case they’re needed. While the Usegin heroes did manage to get involved in their traditional hero work. They’ve learned too late that this ritual will eventually corrupt them once all the full rituals is complete, and they’re powerless to stop them. So they now go to various planets and recruit and train other magical warriors to stop them when the time comes.

My elderly dog, maltese/shitzu cross, is around 15 years old. We noticed dramatic weight loss around two months ago and cancerous looking lumps. I can’t bring her to the vets myself as I have a demanding job, and I’m usually not home until late hours of the evening and gone from early morning. I’ve been convinced since we noticed these changes, along with very strange behaviour, including staring at walls or the floor, pacing up and down the hallway for hours on end until she gives up and lies down with heavy breathing, etc. that there should’ve been an appointment made for her. She has gone almost/ if not fully deaf and her vision is definitely suffering too. For the past two weeks, she’s been struggling to move and her hind legs are extremely weak. She can’t sit up, stand up, or move by herself and it’s breaking my heart to see her. She’s breathing extremely heavily, twitching and today she has went to the toilet, (urinated and defecated) in her bed twice , maybe three times. I know this sounds awful to any pet owner and I understand that, and I would like to add that she has been in an extremely loving and pampered home for the past 15 years of my life. I’ve told my mother all of this, and she’s not taking the wake up sign that this is inhumane to keep her in the world like this. I’m almost certain there’s no chance of recovery from this, she’s lived a long life and she’s ready to be at peace. I think my mother struggles to grasp this. My mother is a huge animal person, and this dog was a birthday present from my father who passed away a year later which is why I think this is so difficult for her. Please, if anyone can leave some honest, but light hearted advice please help me. My mum is extremely strong minded and I just need some opinions from anybody else to help me snap her out. It pains me to see our once energetic, bubbly pup being so helpless and I need help to shake my mum out of this mindset. She’s had a long life and she deserved to be comfortable and I feel awful that this is all happening and that I can’t do anything about it.

Feline herpes or something else?
I’m not sure what to do. 3 months ago I took my indoor cat to the vet for you annual where she was completely fine and healthy. 3-4 days later she started getting these dots on her nose and the sniffles/runny nose. A couple weeks later the runny eyes. So bad that she has hair loss where her eyes run. She has to breath out of her mouth because her nose is so stuff up. Also she started developing lumps on her ears with hairless there as well. She’s not really coughing or wheezing but she frequently sneezes.
About 3 weeks later I took her into the vet and told me it was feline herpes and prescribed her lysine. The lysine didn’t change anything and once I finished that I started her on oral nose relief drops for cats, also allergy immune boost oral oil. I told my vet that she wasn’t getting any better but I didn’t want to take her in because of how much that stresses her out and it’s not going to help her recovery. Not to mention, it’s expensive as fuck for them not to do anything that will actually help. Anyways the vet told me to give her a low dose of Zyrtec. I tried that for a while and she seemed to be doing better for a week or two but now I see it getting worse again.
I don’t know what to do or how to help her. She’s miserable and I can feel her fever is back! There is no change in her food except now she doesn’t want to eat so I started giving her wet food, same formula. We moved but that was back in October, to my moms. I thought my mom’s dogs may have triggered it so I moved in with my bf. She was doing better at first but now it’s all back. She’s been in a nice big peaceful house with us so I’m not sure what is causing this, there are also no other animals or plants in the house. I’ve had her for 3 years now and she is 4. She has never had ANY of these symptoms before march. Is this even feline herpes? Do flare ups last 3 months?? Please any advice would be great. My poor baby is miserable.

Feline herpes or something else?
I’m not sure what to do. 3 months ago I took my indoor cat to the vet for you annual where she was completely fine and healthy. 3-4 days later she started getting these dots on her nose and the sniffles/runny nose. A couple weeks later the runny eyes. So bad that she has hair loss where her eyes run. She has to breath out of her mouth because her nose is so stuff up. Also she started developing hard lumps on her ears with hairloss there as well. She’s not really coughing or wheezing but she frequently sneezes.
About 3 weeks later I took her into the vet and told me it was feline herpes and prescribed her lysine. The lysine didn’t change anything and once I finished that I started her on oral nose relief drops for cats, also allergy immune boost oral oil. I told my vet that she wasn’t getting any better but I didn’t want to take her in because of how much that stresses her out and it’s not going to help her recovery. Not to mention, it’s expensive as fuck for them not to do anything that will actually help. Anyways the vet told me to give her a low dose of Zyrtec. I tried that for a while and she seemed to be doing better for a week or two but now I see it getting worse again.
I don’t know what to do or how to help her. She’s miserable and I can feel her fever is back! There is no change in her food except now she doesn’t want to eat so I started giving her wet food, same formula. We moved but that was back in October, to my moms. I thought my mom’s dogs may have triggered it so I moved in with my bf. She was doing better at first but now it’s all back. She’s been in a nice big peaceful house with us so I’m not sure what is causing this, there are also no other animals or plants in the house. I’ve had her for 3 years now and she is 4. She has never had ANY of these symptoms before march. Is this even feline herpes? Do flare ups last 3 months?? Please any advice would be great. My poor baby is miserable.

What the title says.
Basically, I've been crushing hard on this girl who I'll call R that I met one day by chance due to our paths colliding. I remember one day about 2 months or so ago I saw her and 4 others talking outside one of the study rooms in the library. I had just finished meeting with the board games club I was in so I decided to approach the group since I had never seen them and because this girl made my heart skip a beat when I saw her for the first time.
Anyway, I approach them and discovered that they were a pre-med fraternity and then we all kinda shared our majors and such and had a nice round of small talk. I tell them that I'm majoring in Geography with a concentration and minoring in economics with the hope of eventually being an urban planner or ecological consultant and they all think it is cool and then, one of the pre med people says they're majoring on biochemistry and I make the joke that he's going to end up polluting or contaminating the city I work for or smth like that which ends making the whole group laugh, including R and she generally seems to enjoy my presence albeit in a non romantic way since... we had just met so I wasn't too deeply into her other than thinking ahe was pretty.
Anyway, I had to leave due to unrelated reasons and I left feeling good since I had just met some new people and because I made R laugh. Some time passes and even though I continue my life and such and I generally move on but for some reason in my unconscious mind whenever I pictured the scenario of having a loving gf, I would always picture R as being my lover which confused me since we had barely met. Anyway, after some time, I sort of admitted that I liked her and I look up the fraternity she's in and found R and some stuff about her via the fraternity's instagram and, on the advice of my cousin, I email the fraternity if they'd want to do a joint meeting with the board games club as like a fun stress relief activity since my cousin explained that when she was in college she would invite groups over for joint meetings with the clubs she was in.
Anyway, When im reading the stuff on insta, my minds going like "what the fuck, she's so similar to me" since she's majoring in public health and minoring in sociology which while those are different from what I'm studying exactly, they're pretty similar and we would have a lot to talk about if we ever went on a date since our interests seemed to align. I also discover via the same post actually that, like me, she likes her field since it gives her the chance to learn new things all the time, which is something I also think about my field, hobbies and life in general. Anyway, ik it may be weird but I felt like we were really similar people in terms of values and shit like that which, combined with her being absolutely stunning, made me begin to really like her. Anyway, I later looked up her name out of curiosity and discovered via her LinkedIn and a post my university made about her and some other pre med people and I discover that... like me, she also wants to eventually work internationally, wants to help others, and wants ti use her discipline to teach members of the public about her field to help make the world a better place. I remember after that I took my family's dog for a walk and I was just kind of emotionally paralyzed and repeating the phrase "what the fuck" in my head over and over since I wasn't expecting her to be that similar to me.
Later on, I also discovered via the same insta post as before that, as a hobby, R is also part of a Bollywood dance group at our college which, while I'm not particularly interested in dance or that style of music, is still a green flag for me since, as my joined subreddits and some posts of mine suggest, I'm an avid drummer and love to listen to and play music and even though my favorite styles are more prog and groove based stuff like jazz, djent, funk, progressive metal, fusion, latin music, samba, kletzmer(I'm also jewish and have fond memories of hearing that music when I was younger) and a pinch of Indian classical music, I can still very much use our hobbies relating to music as a fun conversation starter.
After I sent the email to the medical frat, some more time goes by and one of the members responds to me and says that the frat is doing a games thing at a local coffee shop. When I found that out, I just about jumped for joy since I thought R would be there since she was important in the frat. Anyway, I go there and she isn't there due to coincidence and whatever and I still have fun but I'm also on the verge of tears because I had been looking forward to getting the chance to talk to her in a low-key, friendly way to see where it would go.
After that, about a week passes and I'm talking about this whole thing with my therapist and how the unknown aspect of it was bothering me and she suggested that I email the person who invited to the games thing and see if him, R and others would want to hang out once finals were over and kind of see where it goes with R and because of this, I emailed the person who invited me out and now here we are.
I know my story's long but I just really adore this person so I remember even the small details of our interactions, learning about her and finding ways to meet her again but anyway, it's gushing time!
She's soooooo fucking pretty!!!!! She has this beautiful jet black hair that perfectly compliments her beautiful brown eyes and her smile could make the Mariana trench look like a disco club since it is so radiant and lovely😍. She's also sooo intelligent and I absolutely love her values and the way she wants to make the world better and help people❤️ I also can't help but marvel at how driven she is as a person too since I can relate and because I've always liked women who are intelligent and independent❤️ Lastly, she also seems like such a nice person since she was so easy to talk to during our first interaction and I just imagine us talking for hours🥰
In terms of imagining her and I and my dreams with this, I always imagine us just enjoying each other's company, us going to each other's events to support one another, us supporting each other through tough times, us communicating openly and honestly and being the type of couple who always talks things out and never goes to bed angry since we're nearly always able to work past our problems in a diplomatic way that works for both of us equally, me laying my head on her lap or vice versa while we watch movies and such, us just enjoying each other's company, her laying her head on my chest or vice versa, us doing it(this is reddit lol), and us generally just being an egalitarian, honest, communication based and happy couple😍😍😍

(Might be the wrong tag, not sure what I need) I feel like I've lost my purpose, I know for certain I've lost drive. This year has been hell in the short 5 months. Like the 1st days of January I woke up feeling heavy and depressed and the next day my USMC recruiter called me saying I've been DQ'd by BU-MED and I'll have to do more physical therapy, so I did that and in the end it was of no use, got full denial in March so my childhood dream of being a Marine was crushed. I got DQ'd for joint stiffness in my ankles, there was no issues with them other than the movement of bringing my toes towards my shin (easy way to describe the movement). Now to backtrack to Valentine's Day. Already didn't like the holiday for whatever reason. But later that night after a kickboxing class, I go to my room to eat and get on a phone call with my (at the time) boyfriend and then I hear my grandma come into the house crying so I go check on her and she told me that my mom died, just died. She's been fighting cancer since the pandemic, last time I saw was before things got bad and she looked terrible, and I think the most heartbreaking thing was that her hair was just barely there, my biggest memory of my mom was her hair, in my family we all have this thick beautiful hair. And I haven't seen her since then. So I've been dealing with her losing her and the fact my stepfather (hate him and his family) won't give my mom a burial or even a memorial. Nothing, he gave her nothing. When he'd start fights and shit with her that would stop me from going to visit her, and I barely got to visit her while I could. But anyway, last thing, my boyfriend broke up with me last month in April, like completely out of nowhere, we were having no problems, no fights, the previous days we were talking about me coming over to his (like we did ever weekend) and fooling around. But the previous day I was having a breakdown, I don't know what triggered it but at some point during work I just snapped, started feeling crying and running out. And then he texted me at some point the next saying "we need to talk" and I started having a panic while I'm just waiting for him to pick me so we could go to his house, he was my safe space, the only place I could feel vulnerable. He said that he wanted to grow as a person, it didn't sound like that, like there was another reason. And then at some point he said he didn't want to be out of my life and wanted to continue being friends, and I just said "no". The reason I said "no" is because I knew I couldn't love him as a friend. When I meet him in German class at the beginning of this school year, something inside said "he's the one" and I feel head over heels, and I'm from the southern Oklahoma, my last guess is that I would ever fall for a man, but I did. And I loved no matter his imperfections. And the few things we didn't agree on my love still never faltered. And I used to have this dream since I was like 13 or 14 and it was always the same, 2 kids running around, dog with them, golden sunset, sitting on a porch talking with somebody I obviously loved, every crush, and the one girlfriend I had before my ex I never heard their voice for saw their face the person's face and voice was like blurry, if that makes sense. But after I got with my ex and had the dream, I saw his face and heard his voice, and after that I was deadset on marrying him, I didn't tell him about that dream after it happened because that morning I was getting bitched at by my grandparents about something (by the way, they weren't happy about my gay relationship, their old southern Christians). I told him about that dream after we broke up, I sent him a Google doc because he flaked on us meeting up and talking and just told him a lot. And I used to have this thing with that could help like see tomorrow, sense it, whatever, it doesn't make sense but now it's gone. He was the first good thing to happen to me in a while, and he was the last thing I had. The only thing I "have" is an army contract for the infantry and I never wanted to join the Army. And I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never live for myself, only for somebody else. But now, I'm just this mess that's struggling with no purpose, no drive, nothing, I have no friends, no good family, no lover. I have nothing. My only hope is that I can talk to him and maybe get back together. But I doubt that'll happen, he just ignores me now.

when i first met my MIL she was legally blind. i have personally seen her eye scans and having studied medicine to the point where i am able to make sense of eye exams, i can truthfully say she is indeed blind. the other medical problems she has dont seem to make any sense and its sometimes insulting. I have Juvinile Idiopathic Arthritis and i have been diagnosed since i was 12. i have flare ups and when i have flare ups i tend to dislocate my joints easily. its painful, its a huge mobility issue when it happens and if it happens to my arms for example, i cant carry even remotely heavy things like a glass of water without support. while trying to explain this to my MIL i showed her a youtuber who has EDS and similar issues with her joints dislocating and mobility issues. I dont have EDS, i dont qualify for anything outside of joint dislocations. My MIL commented on how painful that must be and a week later said she has always had EDS and had been battling doctors for years for a diagnosis. While looking at videos of service dogs in preparation for her guide dog, she found a youtuber with POTS. she comments on how she too has problems with feeling dizzy standing up. the following week she says she has POTS aswell. I recently brought up my concerns for PCOS to my doctor and was formally diagnosed with it for meeting criteria to which she says shes suffered from PCOS and endometriosis for years. this year alone she has been given a cpap machine which she claims doesnt work for her sleep apnea which a year ago wasnt a medical concern until i mentioned i had sleep apnea as a child. she has had a prolapsed uterus, a hystorectomy, cysts in her uterus, Endometriosis, has done an elimination diet to determine if she is allergic to anything that is preventing her from losing weight, tested for adhd, had a colonoscopy and has spontaneously lost 20lbs which changes to 5 when her husband is around. she doesnt look like shes lost any weight. when mentioning my most recent flareup she said she has had rheumatoid arthritis for years and hasnt been able to do housechores in over a week from the pain but prior to bringing it up she said she had been working out more and was able to use a new exercise equipment that would make no sense with her supposed arthritis.
i really dont know what to do anymore. im 99% certain she has munchausen and doesnt have any of these health problems, especially considering her supposed tests for these diagnoses never line up with the actual tests used to diagnose these medical conditions. I feel like i am unable to share my own experiences with her on what is going on in my life without her trying to one-up me or take over the conversation with her own health problems. its also become difficult to support her when she says things like she went for a hike and felt great and i say wow how was your POTS? then she turns around and says she had a terrible time and that she had to stop a lot and shes still exhausted. sometimes i feel like i should call her out on it but idk if that would be rude. any advice?

I got my dog when he was a puppy after I turned 18. I've had him for 12 years almost 13. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Around two years ago he was diagnosed with diabetes, pancreatitis and hip dysplasia. We give him two insulin shots a day to regulate his blood sugar and a special medication that helps hip dysplasia. My vet is always pleased every six months when we do his blood panel to check him out. We do a good job at regulating him and his results always come back decent. This last check up he started limping a bit. We tried anti inflammatory medication and additional joint shots to see if it would help. it didn't do much so we got X-rays and my vet thinks he might have bone cancer. We are having a radiologist confirm but it's really looking to be that way. She said we could cut his leg off and it would take away the main source of pain but he would still die a few months later due to the cancer. I'm really against doing this because diabetes can be a major complication in this surgery. It makes him more prone to infection, the infection will make his glucose crazy and he could end up in hyperglycemia. Or if he loses his appetite because of the Amputation that will also impact his diabetes. He already has a bit of a hard time moving because of hip dysplasia and I think being three legged would make that worse. (He's almost blind due to his diabetes). He also still loves to eat, play tug, and run around. I feel like my best option is to put him down in a couple of weeks if his diagnosis is confirmed. I feel like it will prevent most of the suffering he will experience including the trauma and pain of having an Amputation. But I'm really struggling with this decision because I would despise to put down such a happy boy. Is putting him down in advance more kind than chopping off his leg? I've done my best to give him the best life and treat his conditions over the years. He has traveled almost the entire states with me and has been the best boy I could have wished for. :(

I got my dog when he was a puppy after I turned 18. I've had him for 12 years almost 13. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Around two years ago he was diagnosed with diabetes, pancreatitis and hip dysplasia. We give him two insulin shots a day to regulate his blood sugar and a special medication that helps hip dysplasia. My vet is always pleased every six months when we do his blood panel to check him out. We do a good job at regulating him and his results always come back decent. This last check up he started limping a bit. We tried anti inflammatory medication and additional joint shots to see if it would help. it didn't do much so we got X-rays and my vet thinks he might have bone cancer. We are having a radiologist confirm but it's really looking to be that way. She said we could cut his leg off and it would take away the main source of pain but he would still die a few months later due to the cancer. I'm really against doing this because diabetes can be a major complication in this surgery. It makes him more prone to infection, the infection will make his glucose crazy and he could end up in hyperglycemia. Or if he loses his appetite because of the Amputation that will also impact his diabetes. He already has a bit of a hard time moving because of hip dysplasia and I think being three legged would make that worse. (He's almost blind due to his diabetes). He also still loves to eat, play tug, and run around. I feel like my best option is to put him down in a couple of weeks if his diagnosis is confirmed. I feel like it will prevent most of the suffering he will experience including the trauma and pain of having an Amputation. But I'm really struggling with this decision because I would despise to put down such a happy boy. Is putting him down in advance more kind than chopping off his leg? Why do I feel so guilty? I've done my best to give him the best life and treat his conditions over the years. He has traveled almost the entire states with me and has been the best boy I could have wished for. :(

I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit, plus this is like my first time posting that actually requires writing, so forgive me if I mess up in anyway shape or form. I feel like I've lost my purpose, I know for certain I've lost drive. This year has been hell in the short 5 months. Like the 1st days of January I woke up feeling heavy and depressed and the next day my USMC recruiter called me saying I've been DQ'd by BU-MED and I'll have to do more physical therapy, so I did that and in the end it was of no use, got full denial in March so my childhood dream of being a Marine was crushed. I got DQ'd for joint stiffness in my ankles, there was no issues with them other than the movement of bringing my toes towards my shin (easy way to describe the movement). Now to backtrack to Valentine's Day. Already didn't like the holiday for whatever reason. But later that night after a kickboxing class, I go to my room to eat and get on a phone call with my (at the time) boyfriend and then I hear my grandma come into the house crying so I go check on her and she told me that my mom died, just died. She's been fighting cancer since the pandemic, last time I saw was before things got bad and she looked terrible, and I think the most heartbreaking thing was that her hair was just barely there, my biggest memory of my mom was her hair, in my family we all have this thick beautiful hair. And I haven't seen her since then. So I've been dealing with her losing her and the fact my stepfather (hate him and his family) won't give my mom a burial or even a memorial. Nothing, he gave her nothing. When he'd start fights and shit with her that would stop me from going to visit her, and I barely got to visit her while I could. But anyway, last thing, my boyfriend broke up with me last month in April, like completely out of nowhere, we were having no problems, no fights, the previous days we were talking about me coming over to his (like we did ever weekend) and fooling around. But the previous day I was having a breakdown, I don't know what triggered it but at some point during work I just snapped, started feeling crying and running out. And then he texted me at some point the next saying "we need to talk" and I started having a panic while I'm just waiting for him to pick me so we could go to his house, he was my safe space, the only place I could feel vulnerable. He said that he wanted to grow as a person, it didn't sound like that, like there was another reason. And then at some point he said he didn't want to be out of my life and wanted to continue being friends, and I just said "no". The reason I said "no" is because I knew I couldn't love him as a friend. When I meet him in German class at the beginning of this school year, something inside said "he's the one" and I feel head over heels, and I'm from the southern Oklahoma, my last guess is that I would ever fall for a man, but I did. And I loved no matter his imperfections. And the few things we didn't agree on my love still never faltered. And I used to have this dream since I was like 13 or 14 and it was always the same, 2 kids running around, dog with them, golden sunset, sitting on a porch talking with somebody I obviously loved, every crush, and the one girlfriend I had before my ex I never heard their voice for saw their face the person's face and voice was like blurry, if that makes sense. But after I got with my ex and had the dream, I saw his face and heard his voice, and after that I was deadset on marrying him, I didn't tell him about that dream after it happened because that morning I was getting bitched at by my grandparents about something (by the way, they weren't happy about my gay relationship, their old southern Christians). I told him about that dream after we broke up, I sent him a Google doc because he flaked on us meeting up and talking and just told him a lot. And I used to have this thing with that could help like see tomorrow, sense it, whatever, it doesn't make sense but now it's gone. He was the first good thing to happen to me in a long time and the last thing I had that gave me any purpose. The only thing I "have" now is an army contract for the infantry and I never wanted to join the Army. And I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never live for myself, only for somebody else. But now, I'm just this mess that's struggling with no purpose, no drive, nothing, I have no friends, no good family, no lover. I have nothing. My only hope is that I can talk to him and maybe get back together. But I doubt that'll happen, he just ignores me now.

This is the first time I have written something of this length, and is more of an exercise in self-therapy than anything else. Disclaimer: This story contains conversations about child abuse. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it.
Nathan’s number appeared on my phone screen. I debated whether or not to answer it. We hadn’t been on speaking terms for a while, and while we did keep in touch sporadically, it was usually because of important family issues. I didn’t know of anything happening with mom or dad, nor with Talia or Rio, so I let it go to voicemail. I could always call him back later. I placed the phone back in my pocket, and returned to cleaning my camera. The phone buzzed again. A text message came through. I read the preview line from the home screen. “The city declared eminent domain on the house” I unlocked my phone, read the full text message, and dialed my brother.
I wasn't able to get any closer to the house than a few blocks. Most of the area was blocked off with chain link fencing and construction equipment in preparation for the demolition that was supposed to take place within the coming days. The barriers didn’t prevent people from walking in to the neighborhood, but it hindered scrappers from coming in and stripping the houses of copper wiring and plumbing.
I grabbed my camera bag out of the trunk of my car along with my tripod. I shouldered it and hooked the tripod to my bag. I pulled my water bottle out of the center console and shut the door. I stood next to my car surveying the neighborhood. 12 city blocks of old single family homes comprised the neighborhood where I grew up. Some of the houses had been empty for months, others for years. There was an eerie silence that permeated the still air. I could not hear the familiar sounds of people, pets, or cars. I locked the car and put my keys in my pocket. I patted my jacket down to ensure I had what I needed. After a quick check, I started my walk.
The sidewalk of the old neighborhood streets still bore the familiar cracks and grind marks from years of buckling and remedy. Leaves dropped by the trees still lay scattered all along the pathways and sidewalk. Korina’s house was the first house I encountered as I made my way through a gap in the fence. The yard was overgrown with tall grass and thistle. I could see the faded blue paint of the old house contrasting the green and browns of the lawn. The chain link fence that marked off the corner property was nearly invisible through the thick brush. As I continued walking west towards 110th, I started to feel something was off. The streets seemed wider than I remembered. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I realized what was different. There were no cars.
The streets here typically had cars lined bumper to bumper in any spot available, and were visible from block to block. The absence of all these vehicles made me realize just how deserted the neighborhood really was. House after house, yard after yard, the telltale signs of desertion reinforced what I could see from the moment I passed the construction fence: This was no longer my neighborhood. There were no signs of life, and no one I could expect to find still here. Abandonment was the new normal here. I continued on, glancing at houses and recalling memories of summer bike rides, and daily walks with dogs I used to have. I remembered walks home from school, and chasing after ice cream trucks when they passed our houses. I smiled a bit as I remembered more and more of my years spent here. I don’t quite know just why I was smiling. There were plenty of bad memories here too. Fights, yelling, being beat up, being robbed. I could remember failed friendships, lost loves, and bitter feelings of failures too.
Still, I felt a certain amount of nostalgia despite the weight of these negative feelings. I almost wanted to experience everything again, although I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way. Concrete, asphalt, billboards and liquor stores were the normal vistas of everyday life. Occasionally, after a good rainstorm, the grey haze of smog would lift, and the mountains would be visible to the north. At least, they would be visible until mid-morning when the exhaust from a million cars covered them behind a veil of pollution.
It wasn’t until the first time I travelled out of the city that I realized there was more to see. Traveling up the coast north along the Pacific Coast Highway introduced me to scenes of deep blue ocean water spanning the width of my vision. Driving up Highway 3 introduced me to the permeating scent of Pine and Fir trees. The two-lane stretch of highway from Portland to Tillamook introduced me to lush green forests that I had only ever read about. When I came home to the same old dirty, dusty concrete and boiling summer asphalt, I had made up my mind. I would do everything it took to leave this place. I would not spend another day longer than was necessary living in cramped quarters and fighting for parking space.
I arrived to the house, and paused at the gate. The house sat in contrast of what the rest of the neighborhood looked like. Instead of overgrown grass and tall weeds all over the place, the landscaping showed signs of relatively recent work. The guava tree in the front lawn still had some fruit ready to be picked, and the avocado tree on the other side of the pathway was still weighed down by its own fruit. Flowers still bloomed in the raised bed in front of the house. My brother had clearly tried to keep up on things until the last possible moment. The house, too, looked better than what I expected after walking up 4 blocks and seeing nothing but dilapidated houses and unkempt yards. I opened the gate and walked up to the small porch. The metal gate that enclosed it was gone having been removed by my brother when he took over the property. It looked nice to see it open instead of the cage it once felt like.
I turned the knob on the door, but it didn't give. Ever a creature of habit, my brother had locked the door when he left. Of course, he did. I sighed and prepared to find another way in when I remembered my parents hiding a spare key. I wasn’t sure if it would still be there, but after running my hands along the back side of the gutter downspout, I was rewarded for my efforts. I unlocked the front door and stepped into the front living room, the sounds of my footsteps and the closing door echoing in the empty space. The room felt both larger and smaller than I remembered it. I suppose it was lack of furniture that made it feel larger, but it still felt smaller than I remember. The result of growing taller throughout the years I suppose. I slowly walked along the slate tile floor towards the central hallway that connected the front of the house to the back bedrooms. I wasn't entirely sure that just because the front door was locked, that there wasn't some squatter looking for a little temporary shelter within the back rooms. I carefully and silently crept step by step towards what used to be the bedroom shared by my sister and me. I stuck my head in and gave the room a cursory glance. It was empty, thankfully. I moved back into the hallway and peered into the bedroom across the hall. This is where both of my brothers had shared a room. It too, was empty save for a few boxes holding hardware and doorknobs from the closet doors of the bedroom. I walked back towards the back of the house where my parent's bedroom was. The walls in the hallway bore the dusty signs where picture once hung. The bedroom door was open. I stepped inside, and looked around. The old avocado paint that my mom had picked out years ago still adorned the walls. Walking further towards the addition that was the small room my grandma and grandpa lived in showed that there was no one here. I breathed a sigh of relief as I set my bag down and set up my tripod. I reached into my bag a pulled out an envelope of old photos. These were old snapshots that we had all taken at some point in time in the house. There were pictures of all of us sitting at the dining room table playing a game of Monopoly. There was a picture of my brother and sister sitting on a couch in the front living room. There was a picture of me hanging on the bars of the front porch. I looked through them all and held them in place in front of me as if I were holding a window to the past.
Each picture made the lump in my throat grow as I started to struggle to control my emotions. There was history here, and soon it would all be gone. This is the place where my parents had raised four kids. They had taken care of my grandparents in their twilight years here. My Aunt and my grandmother had both died in this house. Birthdays, graduation parties, and anniversaries had been celebrated here. The echoes of life had reverberated within the walls of this place. Now, the house sat silent. It would never again know happy screams of kids having a water-balloon war out in the front yard, nor would it hear the cries of anguish as the matriarch of the family passed away surrounded by her family. What once was a home full of life was now just an empty house made of drywall and paint. I sat there for a moment contemplating just how much family history was actually made here. As I thought hard about my siblings and my parents, I felt pained at the thought of our strained relationships. We had all scattered once we had the opportunity to be free of each other. My oldest brother had married and moved away as soon as possible. My sister now lived in northern California. My parents too had moved away. I was now living in Utah. Only my older brother had remained behind. The lump grew larger in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I held back sobs of anger and pain. Why was I hurting? Hadn’t I dealt with these issues already? I walked back to my old bedroom and sat down under the window. I pulled my head down into my knees and cried. I could hear yelling and screaming in my head. Shouting matches between siblings and parents, brothers and sister, rattled inside my brain, making the pain grow. I sat there and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Eventually I ran out of tears and tired gasps of sorrow and regret washed over me as a blanket of drowsiness enveloped me. I leaned my head back and fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing and hurriedly stood up. Had someone followed me? I knew the police were patrolling the area sporadically. Had they seen me enter the house? I knew there would be a possibility of getting a trespassing citation, but I figured I could either talk my way out of it seeing as to how I was a former resident, or I could probably fight the citation in court if the judge knew why I was there in the first place. Ultimately, passing through the gate had been a calculated risk that I was willing to take for the sake of my art. I got up from my corner of the room and moved towards the door. If there was someone in the house, I needed to know. I didn’t want my gear to stolen, and if there was a cop in the house, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get shot.
I was greeted by the sight of a startled chubby boy standing on the other side of the door. His round cherubic face was crowned by a head of short curly hair. His hazel green eyes stared widely back at me. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be here in the house. His body recoiled in fear as he cowered back towards the hallway. “Wait, what are you doing here?” I asked as non-threateningly as I could. The boy muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you” I replied. “Are you here to rob us?” he timidly responded. “Rob you? What are you talking about?” I asked as confusion set in. “What are you doing here?” It was his turn to be confused. “Uh…I….live here?” he replied. “What do you mean you live here? No one lives-“I stopped midsentence. I hadn’t noticed in my initial shock but the room wasn’t the same. A familiar blue couch caught the corner of my eye. In front of that was an old console TV with a partially broken antenna hanging on the wall behind it. I walked further in to the living room to notice wood paneling on the walls. A large mirror hung on the wall to my left. Familiar yellow lamps sat on round drop-leaf tables on either side of the couch. A large hutch sat in one corner, a collection of letters and bills, mail advertisements, and a phone book covered scattered over it. “What just happened?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I was thoroughly mystified by what my eyes were seeing. I had walked into the house from the front door and had stepped into an empty white room with slate floor tiles, but somehow now found myself in a furnished room with brown carpet that was all so familiar to me, yet was nothing but a distant faded memory. I turned to look at the boy still startled by the intrusion of a strange man looking wildly around the room in total shock.
“You can take what you want, just please let me go. I don’t want problems.” He stated his voice still shrill with anxiety. I blinked a few times as I tried to process just what the heck was going on. I gathered my thoughts as best I could and tried to reassure him. “Kid, I’m not here to rob anyone. I was just-“I shook my head “Where the hell am I? Am I having a dream?” I asked myself. “I must be dreaming. I’m just tired and still sleeping. This is all a dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I needed to sit down. Being back in the old house must have overtaxed my senses, I told myself. I’d having a dream about an old memory. I walked over to the chair next to the couch and sat down. I sunk into it and rested my head back towards the wall.
The boy kept his distance, but sensed I wasn’t there to hurt him. He looked me over with anxious curiosity. He stood at the far end of the couch, examining me while he played out scenarios in his head in preparation for a quick exit. “Why are you in my house?” he asked me. “Dude, this is all just a dream I’m having. I’m not really here.” He reached over to the couch and picked up a pillow. He reared his arm and threw it at me. It landed in my lap. “I don’t know, man. You sure seem to be here.” He said to me. I opened my eyes, startled. I looked down at the pillow he tossed and examined it. I ran my hand over the fabric and felt its texture. I remember this pillow. This was the pillow I would roll under my head as I lay on the couch and watched TV as a kid. A sudden realization hit me as I looked around the room with fresh eyes. No longer was I blinded by the fog of confusion. I knew exactly where I was.
I was home.
I looked at the boy still standing at the edge of the couch. I looked him over and realized who he actually was. I stared in disbelief as I smiled and tried to put him at ease. “It’s ok Johnny. I’m not here to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Please, sit down” I told him. I motioned to his end of the couch. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked me.
“This will be hard to believe, but I’m you” I said with an incredulous tone, “I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m here.” He looked at me as I had grown a second head. “That doesn’t make any sense. How could you be me? Did we invent time travel? Oh! Are we secret government agents with the CIA?”
I chuckled. “Wait, wait, wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I’m you at 38 years old. You’re…what, 11… 12 years old? It makes sense. I fell asleep under the window in my- our old bedroom. I didn’t come here on purpose or in a machine. And no, I’m not a government agent.” His face contorted to display understanding, disappointment and finally suspicion. His eyes narrowed as he leaned in towards me. “How do I know you’re really me?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment. How could I prove to him that I was who I said I was? A few seconds of silence settled between us. I stroked my chin, thinking of a solution.
“I have a better idea. Ask me questions that only you know the answers to.” “Okay” he responded. He glanced around the room trying to come up with something. His eyes fixated on the Nintendo sitting under the TV cabinet. “What game do me and Nathan have a map of?” I looked over at the NES. I hadn’t thought about this for years, but I knew instantly what he was asking. “YOU don’t have anything. Nathan is the one that made the map for Section Z” His jaw dropped. He tried to trick me, but his plan failed. He knew well and good that Nathan never let him play. It was always ‘I’ll let you play when I die’ or, ‘you can play when I’m done’. The problem was that he never followed through. Usually by the time Nathan was done, the NES was overheated, and the game would no longer load until it cooled down. By that point, it was time for bed.
“How do you know that?” he asked in astonishment. “I know these things because I’m you. Just like I know that you wear t-shirts to the pool because you’re embarrassed by what others will think of your body. I know that you used to think that people that die off in movies were prisoners that were set to be executed from death row, so they used them for making movies. I know all about you because I’m you”
Johnny sat on the end of the couch in bewilderment, his mouth slightly agape. He had never told anyone any of this. He didn’t have any close friends to talk to about such things, and those friends he did have were more acquaintances than friends. There was only one way he could possibly know these things. He was talking to his future self.
I could see Johnny’s mind completely explode. There lay endless possibility and the answers to a million questions he could ask about his own future. He started to ask a question, only to stop, close his mouth, and try asking another. I knew if he kept this up he would have a stroke or something. “Dude, calm yourself. Let’s talk this out rationally, otherwise you’ll end up stroking out or something.” I told him. He took a deep breath and I could hear him muttering quietly. I knew he was trying to form a coherent sentence before he actually spoke it. I did it all the time. “Ok, first of all, are we rich?” he asked with tempered expectation. I chuckled and grinned back at him. “No, not at all. If I was rich, would I be dressed like this?” I replied as I motioned to my beat up brown Vans and worn out jeans and T-shirt. “We-, I – make enough to get by. I’m not poor, but I earn enough to pay the bills.” His face grew a smirk as he commented “Yeah, I figured. What do I do for work? I mean, what do you do for work?” I thought about it for a second. I wondered how much information I should divulge to a younger me. I still didn’t think this whole situation was really happening, but if it was, I probably should proceed with caution. “Well, it’s complicated. I do a little bit of everything. You know how you’re constantly taking things apart? Let’s just say that it’s good to put them back together in order to keep them working. Take good notes on paper if you need to, and make sure you have a clean work area so you can keep track of all the parts.” He gave me a sheepish look. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I had spent countless hours sneaking dad’s tools to my room so I could figure out how something was built and try to figure out how it worked. I had gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble with dad over a drill, his timing light, and other stuff I had taken from his room. His belt had become quite familiar with my butt cheeks.
I gave him a knowing smile. “What else do you want to know?” He thought about it for a second. “Do we have a girlfriend?” I laughed, probably a little more than I should have because his face contorted into a sour frown. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it” he scowled. I continued to chuckle. “Yeah we have a girlfriend. We have more than a girlfriend” I could tell he was irritated with my vague indirect answers. I knew what he was asking. I remember the crush I had on my neighbor across the street. We had been friends since kindergarten, and had been classmates for 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. We got along really well, and I knew from around 12 or 13 that I wanted to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, things never progressed beyond the ‘just friends’ stage of things. It wasn’t from lack of effort on my part. We had just grown up together most of our lives that she didn’t see me as anything more than a brother and friend. “Dude, look. You just started to go through changes and you are starting to notice girls, but that doesn’t mean that you need to love every girl that shows you a little kindness or subtle interest. You need to slow down and let things happen naturally. You can’t force a relationship with someone.” Johnny pondered these words for a moment. I sat back and put my feet up on the coffee table. I looked around the room some more while I waited for another question. There was so much I had forgotten, but being back here had unlocked more and more memories that continued to wash over me. I was trying to hold on to my cool as not all those churned up recollections were pleasant. I stood up and walked over to the front door to peer outside the small central window embedded into the center of it. I could see the old neighborhood as I remembered it all those years ago. The lot across the street that served as a parking area for those that worked at the wheel works at the end of the block was empty of cars. I furrowed my brow as I thought for a moment. An empty lot meant it was afterhours or the weekend.
The gears in my own head started turning. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked Johnny. Johnny turned to look at me still processing my last response. “Uh..oh, Mom and dad are out of town. They took a trip east this time. I think Rio said they are in Arizona right now. Rio and Nathan went out to get some food and to rent some movies from Video Showcase. Knowing them they’ll eat out first. Talia is staying over at Tia Rosie’s place today with her friends.” I grunted at his response. My mind was wandering as he mentioned Talia and Tia Rosie.
A sudden sharp pain pieced my heart. The pain of a thousand memories now unsealed spilled out from the box I had locked them away in. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I turned back to look at Johnny. He felt it too. He stared at the floor with an intensity that made me think it would burst into flames at any moment. I walked back over to him and sat next to him. He didn’t move. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he threw himself into me. I could feel the tears dripping onto me as he sobbed intensely. “Hey man, its ok. It’s going to be ok.” I said as my own tears started to flow uncontrollably. I pulled him close and draped my other arm around him.
I knew the pain he was feeling. It was such a heavy burden, and I knew there was no one he felt he could talk to. I remembered it all so vividly. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. When we finally stopped sobbing, and our noses ran dry, we tried to breathe our way through to calmness. I got up and knelt in front of him. “Johnny, listen to me and remember what it is that I’m about to say to you. You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you believe. NO ONE should ever have to go through this. Just because it happened to Talia, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it any longer. I know you didn’t think it was wrong, but I’m telling you that what she is doing to you is wrong. Talking to mom and dad isn’t going to make them hate you. You are not doing this to her, she is doing it to you. I’m not making excuses for her, but she is also more damaged than anyone realizes, and she is also dealing with the same level of pain you are. Remember that we do unto others what has been done to us. That doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle of abuse” The lump in my throat grew immense at my own statement. I swallowed it as best I could and continued “You are going to deal with this pain a little bit at a time, and you’ll slowly get over this. It’s like a broken bone. When it happens, you don’t realize how bad the pain is until the adrenaline wears off, but then the immense pain is there. Just remember that this will pass. Just like a broken bone, you will heal over time, and one day, you will realize that the pain is gone and the bone is no longer broken. You’ll remember the pain, but it won’t hurt anymore.”
Johnny sat there in stunned silence. I knew he didn’t have anyone to help him through this. He couldn’t talk to Rio or Nathan about what was going on. Mom and Dad were constantly working to keep the family fed and sheltered and while they provided materially for their kids, emotional help was less available. Perhaps it was due to their energies being divided into 4 kids, a mortgage and multiple jobs, or perhaps it was also the culture of not talking about problems. Either way, they needed to know what was happening. They wouldn’t be able to fix it otherwise. “They’re going to be mad at me” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “No they won’t be. They love us all. I know you’re not used to hearing it, but they do love you. Everything they do is because of their love for us. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Telling them isn’t going to cause them to be angry.” I thought for a moment to find a good analogy. “You love Odie and Lady, right?” He nodded in agreement. “Ok, how would you feel if you knew someone you trusted was coming to the house and beating up our dogs when we weren’t around?” He thought about it for a second before his face changed to anger. “I’d want to kill them!” “Yes, but would you also feel sad that you weren’t there to try to protect them?” I reasoned. His face changed again. He understood what I was saying. Mom and Dad would be angry, but not necessarily at him. They would also feel a great sadness knowing that someone was hurting their child.
I smiled at him. He understood. I nodded. “Dude…You’re going to come to understand that life is not what you think it will be. Life is messy and can change in an instant. The plans you make today may not make it to next week. A lifelong goal can be derailed because of something out of your control. Mom and dad have spent their life protecting us with the goal of keeping us safe, but circumstances out of their control have affected their kids, and now we- you all have to deal with the fallout. Just remember that you are not the culprit. Yes, mom and dad will be hurt and angry, but not at you. Trust them. They don’t do things to hurt us” Johnny hugged me. I- He didn’t have many people he could trust and open up to. He liked to talk a lot about everything going on in his life, no matter how trivial. Everything, except this. This was a shameful topic, and he didn’t feel like anyone would understand why he didn’t go to an adult sooner. The problem was simple. He simply didn’t understand that it was wrong. Now that he had an adult that he could talk to, himself no less, he wanted to lift this burden off his shoulders. He was happy to have found someone and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just at tightly. It wasn’t every day that I could meet my younger self and help to comfort them. “Thank you” he said to me.
The world darkened, and everything faded to black.
I lifted my head out of my knees and looked around. I was sitting under the window in my old bedroom again. Had I fallen asleep? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. I was emotionally drained and incredibly tired. I hadn’t had sleep like that in years. I got to my feet and looked around the room briefly before walking out to mom and dad’s old room. I grabbed my camera and slowly walked the house, snapping picture after picture. The only sound to be heard was the sound of the camera shutter and my soft footsteps. I thought about my dream as I took pictures.
Upon entering my room, a random memory hit me.
The stash.
I was pretty sure I had taken the hidden box when I moved out all those years ago, but since I was here, I should double check. Heading into the closet, I pushed the panel that led to the attic space out of the way and peered in. I couldn’t see anything, so I reached up there to feel around. The box was indeed gone. I felt around for a few more seconds and was surprised to feel what felt like a thick envelope. I didn’t remember leaving anything up there, but after pulling it down and giving it a cursory glance, I figured it was an old envelope of lost love letters. It wasn’t until I blew off the thick layer of dust that I realized what I was holding. It was a letter. Not just any letter. It was addressed to me.
Under the now semi-cleared layer of dust were the words “To be opened by future me”. I looked at it for a few moments before opening it. I couldn’t remember making this at all, much less storing it up in my secret hiding spot. If ever I hid something, it was in the stash box. My hands shook a bit as I started to open the envelope and pulled out the yellowed pages inside. I started reading.
"Dear Future John. I have spent the last few years remembering a dream I had when I was younger. Life was…difficult at that time, and I spent a lot of time escaping my reality by reading a lot of books and watching a lot of TV. On the off-chance that what I think is a dream really happened. I wanted to write some things down in an effort to give you my thanks. I merely consider myself a conveyer of thanks, although I will pile on my own thanks to you for your words of encouragement. I remember finding a stranger in the house one day while I was home alone. I was afraid he was there to hurt me at first, but after a few moments, I came to realize I was meeting myself. Well, I was meeting me, but from the future. I think he said he was in his 40’s, but I couldn’t tell you with any certainty. Either way, we talked. We talked about life, and what the future held in store for us…
Mostly though, we talked about the abuse. Well, Talked is being generous. We cried, and then we talked. I don’t remember exactly what he told me, but I remember how he made me feel. He made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust him. Trust myself. In the end, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself both at home and at school. He also gave me the courage to talk to mom and dad about what was going on between me and Talia. I do remember being afraid that I would be punished, but he reassured me that they wouldn’t, and that they loved me.
It was a difficult and awkward conversation, but in the end, arrangements were made for me to share a room with Rio and Nathan. I didn’t have much of a relationship with Talia for a long while, but after some years, we managed to patch things up. She apologized to me, and I came to understand the abuse she herself was subjected to by so-called family friends. She didn’t tell me this in an effort to excuse it, but to merely help give me closure to a difficult time from my own childhood. Mom and dad promised to be more attentive to us and we sort of established what I guess you would call an open door policy. We talk more about stuff that’s happening in our lives. Mom is much easier to talk to now. Dad is a little more patient with us too. I apologized to them for not coming to them sooner, and dad gave me a “nugget of wisdom” that I think I’ll live by: We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. I’ve tried to make sure I talk to them when something is wrong, and I’ve tried to implement that in my life so I don’t have problems with other people.
I’m trying to grow up to be a good guy. I want to have good relationships with people. Nathan says I’m turning into a people pleaser, but I don’t necessarily see that as a terrible thing. I know when to say no to someone. Well, either way, I wanted to make sure I thank you for the help you gave us. I probably won’t remember writing this, but I hope I do find it again someday. Here’s hoping I turn into the man I feel you are. -John Age 16."
I stared at the letter, the words blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly brushed them away as I quietly spoke to no one in particular. “Thanks guys. I hope I live up to your expectations” I folded the letter, placed it in my pocket, and walked out of the room. After picking up my backpack and tripod, I silently walked towards the front door, my footsteps echoing in the empty house. I turned to look back at the empty living room one last time, and after a moment, I walked out.

I found a 4 leaf clover on (5-5-24). Everyone believes it is cursed and want me to get rid of it. I am not sure if it's actually cursed though, or if it actually gives goodluck in the times of bad. The reason everyone thinks it's cursed is because the next day (5-6-24) is when the tragedies started.
The first tragedy is my house caught on fire on the Monday of (5-6-24). The breakerbox exploded and shot out flames. We ended up and having to stay in hotels this last week.
From there things just kept happening. My brother in law had heart problems and was in the ER for 3 days. (5-7-24) He got lucky to not have a heart attack. Just irregular beat for those days.
Next my roommates girlfriend might have a tumor in her uterus. His mom has a lump on her breast. And his dad is on his death bed. (5-8-24) We will call him roommate number 1.
On (5-9-24) Roommate number 2s childhood dog died.
On (5-10-24) my trauma responses hit. For some reason i get a delayed response to trauma. So if I lose an arm. I wont stress or react for 1 to 2 days. It hit me on this day. Which is 4 days so that is a longer one. So my mom and I worked at the same place. She ended up and getting fired on that friday. I'm exhausted because we worked the night shift and they wanted me to work despite the fire because everything's closed during my hours anyway. We will have to see how my work relations go after that.
(5-11‐24) I get the city report for the fire. They found $1000s of dollars worth of stuff I have to fix to be up to code, this stuff is not fire related so insurance won't cover it.
(5-12-24) We have two dogs and my friend was watching one for us and we had the other. We would let the dog into the backyard of the house during the day. I left her there and went to church. Someone broke into the garage and house and left the doors open. They stole a gun from the house and either took the dog, or she ran away. We don't know. My friend that is watching our other dog just called me crying. The other dog broke his outside leash and ran into the highway and got hit by a car. He was dead immediately.
(5-14-24) 2 things happened one of the bad lucks happened a few months ago but it completed today.
So a few months ago I started having these dreams about these spirits coming in and taking one my pet rabbits. I had these dreams every day for a week. The spirits had already picked a bunny they were taking. After that week, when I came home. All of the rabbit cages were thrown around, and the rabbits were out everywhere. The bunny was not missing. I fixed the cages and put everything back together.
The next day I came home to the same thing. Rabbit cages everywhere. But all of the rabbits were accounted for even the one that was chosen. This would happen every day for a week straight. And I did everything I could to prevent the cages from being thrown around. I reinforced them, and made for sure that they weren't falling. But every day I had come home to find them trashed. But was able to get all the bunnies back in the cages.
The very last day none of the cages were trashed. Everything was still in its place. Except for the cage of the bunny that was chosen, the door was opened and the bunny was gone. I tore the house apart for 4 days straight, looking for that bunny, but there was no sign. A few months have went by since then. And I've never had a problem with the cages since. I imagined the Bunny running around in the fae lands or something. But I always wonder if I would just randomly find him dead on a day that the bad luck wanted to make me suffer.
I found him. There was a tank of water in my basement, that catches the sewer water that overflows into the basement. It's hard to reach and usually behind the washer but since we have the electrician fixing the breaker box that exploded I took that tank outside and dumped it out. The Bunny came out. Is it almost looked still alive. Just wet. I picked him up and he fell apart. All that was left was hair and bones.
This bad luck was one that happend before the clover. But I was right on him appearing at a bad time. A half an hour later, one of my bunnies randomly laid down and died. So I feel like the bad luck took 2 bunnies that day. Even though one was actually mouths ago. With both bunnies form both times going at the same time. That tells me all of this was planned. It's been planning all of this for awhile.
The bad things keep piling up. But there are good events to counteract some of the bad. Not all have solved yet. The dogs are a hard one. The gun worries me that it will be used in a crime and I will get blamed. I did report it to the police.
Everyone believes that the 4 leaf clover is cursed because that's when this started. It's from a type of clover that does not grow 4 leaves. The normal 4 leaf clover from Ireland is a different type. So this one is a mutation. I look at it as rarer and luckier because of the mutation. I look at it like I found a shiny Pokémon. Everyone else says it's bad because it's mutated and the bad genetics create bad luck.
I am torn because I don't want to just get rid of it. As a kid I spent hours looking for 4 leaf clovers before I was told these ones won't grow them. So it was a childhood disappointment fulfilled.
So what I was thinking of doing. Is maybe I will post it on ebay as the cursed 4 leaf clover. I will include this story printed out. I will gather as much proof of the tragedies as I can. I know my house was in the paper. Maybe I will get a clipping of it. I have it taped in a vinyl tape but I also took a picture of it when I first picked it. It got scrunched in the tape alittle. But I will add the fresh picked picture. Then I will post it for $500 starting. It would be that big of a number for a cupple reasons.
First, is that I don't want to give it up. (Childhood disappointment fulfilled) and if it's actually giving goodluck to counter the bad. second, would be to protect the curious but poor people. Someone who could shell out $500 for a clover is probably rich enough to afford some tragedies. And third, it would help allot in this hard time.
I will post it under the conditions that this post, or other reposts of this story I do, blow up or go viral. If this is viral then it might be worth it because people would be interested in the clover. Could actually sell. Then I know it's worth putting everything together. If this happens, I will leave an update on here with the link to the posting and where to find it.
What do you guys think? Do you think it's cursed? Or do you think it's actually lucky and helped in the bad times?

I found a 4 leaf clover on (5-5-24). Everyone believes it is cursed and want me to get rid of it. I am not sure if it's actually cursed though, or if it actually gives goodluck in the times of bad. The reason everyone thinks it's cursed is because the next day (5-6-24) is when the tragedies started.
The first tragedy is my house caught on fire on the Monday of (5-6-24). The breakerbox exploded and shot out flames. We ended up and having to stay in hotels this last week.
From there things just kept happening. My brother in law had heart problems and was in the ER for 3 days. (5-7-24) He got lucky to not have a heart attack. Just irregular beat for those days.
Next my roommates girlfriend might have a tumor in her uterus. His mom has a lump on her breast. And his dad is on his death bed. (5-8-24) We will call him roommate number 1.
On (5-9-24) Roommate number 2s childhood dog died.
On (5-10-24) my trauma responses hit. For some reason i get a delayed response to trauma. So if I lose an arm. I wont stress or react for 1 to 2 days. It hit me on this day. Which is 4 days so that is a longer one. So my mom and I worked at the same place. She ended up and getting fired on that friday. I'm exhausted because we worked the night shift and they wanted me to work despite the fire because everything's closed during my hours anyway. We will have to see how my work relations go after that.
(5-11‐24) I get the city report for the fire. They found $1000s of dollars worth of stuff I have to fix to be up to code, this stuff is not fire related so insurance won't cover it.
(5-12-24) We have two dogs and my friend was watching one for us and we had the other. We would let the dog into the backyard of the house during the day. I left her there and went to church. Someone broke into the garage and house and left the doors open. They stole a gun from the house and either took the dog, or she ran away. We don't know. My friend that is watching our other dog just called me crying. The other dog broke his outside leash and ran into the highway and got hit by a car. He was dead immediately.
(5-14-24) 2 things happened one of the bad lucks happened a few months ago but it completed today.
So a few months ago I started having these dreams about these spirits coming in and taking one my pet rabbits. I had these dreams every day for a week. The spirits had already picked a bunny they were taking. After that week, when I came home. All of the rabbit cages were thrown around, and the rabbits were out everywhere. The bunny was not missing. I fixed the cages and put everything back together.
The next day I came home to the same thing. Rabbit cages everywhere. But all of the rabbits were accounted for even the one that was chosen. This would happen every day for a week straight. And I did everything I could to prevent the cages from being thrown around. I reinforced them, and made for sure that they weren't falling. But every day I had come home to find them trashed. But was able to get all the bunnies back in the cages.
The very last day none of the cages were trashed. Everything was still in its place. Except for the cage of the bunny that was chosen, the door was opened and the bunny was gone. I tore the house apart for 4 days straight, looking for that bunny, but there was no sign. A few months have went by since then. And I've never had a problem with the cages since. I imagined the Bunny running around in the fae lands or something. But I always wonder if I would just randomly find him dead on a day that the bad luck wanted to make me suffer.
I found him. There was a tank of water in my basement, that catches the sewer water that overflows into the basement. It's hard to reach and usually behind the washer but since we have the electrician fixing the breaker box that exploded I took that tank outside and dumped it out. The Bunny came out. Is it almost looked still alive. Just wet. I picked him up and he fell apart. All that was left was hair and bones.
This bad luck was one that happend before the clover. But I was right on him appearing at a bad time. A half an hour later, one of my bunnies randomly laid down and died. So I feel like the bad luck took 2 bunnies that day. Even though one was actually mouths ago. With both bunnies form both times going at the same time. That tells me all of this was planned. It's been planning all of this for awhile.
The bad things keep piling up. But there are good events to counteract some of the bad. Not all have solved yet. The dogs are a hard one. The gun worries me that it will be used in a crime and I will get blamed. I did report it to the police.
Everyone believes that the 4 leaf clover is cursed because that's when this started. It's from a type of clover that does not grow 4 leaves. The normal 4 leaf clover from Ireland is a different type. So this one is a mutation. I look at it as rarer and luckier because of the mutation. I look at it like I found a shiny Pokémon. Everyone else says it's bad because it's mutated and the bad genetics create bad luck.
I am torn because I don't want to just get rid of it. As a kid I spent hours looking for 4 leaf clovers before I was told these ones won't grow them. So it was a childhood disappointment fulfilled.
So what I was thinking of doing. Is maybe I will post it on ebay as the cursed 4 leaf clover. I will include this story printed out. I will gather as much proof of the tragedies as I can. I know my house was in the paper. Maybe I will get a clipping of it. I have it taped in a vinyl tape but I also took a picture of it when I first picked it. It got scrunched in the tape alittle. But I will add the fresh picked picture. Then I will post it for $500 starting. It would be that big of a number for a cupple reasons.
First, is that I don't want to give it up. (Childhood disappointment fulfilled) and if it's actually giving goodluck to counter the bad. second, would be to protect the curious but poor people. Someone who could shell out $500 for a clover is probably rich enough to afford some tragedies. And third, it would help allot in this hard time.
I will post it under the conditions that this post, or other reposts of this story I do, blow up or go viral. If this is viral then it might be worth it because people would be interested in the clover. Could actually sell. Then I know it's worth putting everything together. If this happens, I will leave an update on here with the link to the posting and where to find it.
What do you guys think? Do you think it's cursed? Or do you think it's actually lucky and helped in the bad times?

Posting here because I’m getting conflicting messages from my vet/ortho. I picked up my now 1 year old chocolate lab last summer and noticed around 5 months old on that sometimes (maybe 50% of the time) when she gets up from naps or laying down for a bit she puts a little more pressure on her front legs than usual and it takes a bit to get her back legs up (mainly her back left). This is sometimes followed by a limp for the first couple of steps and then she walks normally. If something causes her to get up quickly (like a car or someone calling her) she is right up and at it.
Also, if she goes to my parents house for a few days and plays with our other two labs all day (like normal puppies do) she sometimes develops a limp in her front right leg that lasts for a day-ish.
When she is standing up on all four limbs her back left leg is a hair out and back compared to her back right, and there was a little atrophy in her back left but that has improved as of late. She also sometimes sits with that leg off to the side but sometimes doesn’t. She doesn’t have a problem with getting down into a sitting or laying
position. Nothing is to the point that she stops doing any activity, or is so severe that she isn’t putting any pressure on any leg.
Her normal activity is that of a normal lab puppy. When she’s with me (95% of the time) we go on a half to a full hour long walk and she runs around my backyard and in my house routinely. She is incredibly fast, agile, powerful and playful. She routinely sprints, cuts, turns, jumps on and off couches and over obstacles. When she’s with my parents she plays with my other two labs all day. The significant limp that lasts for a day or so only occurs when she goes home to play with my other two dogs and not when she is home with me. I’ve had 6 labs in my life and she might be the most athletic I’ve had.
I took her to the vet after the first time she went to play with my other dogs and came back with a very noticeable limp that last for a day. My vet was originally suspicious of hip dysplasia and recommended X-rays when she got spayed. When the X-rays were sent to the ortho, they came back with “Highly suspect complete rupture of the cranial cruciate ligament in the left stifle joint.” My vet isn’t totally on board with that diagnosis and neither am I. My vet says she didn’t feel weakness when she was manipulating her joints and if it was a complete rupture she wouldn’t be able to put weight on it, never mind be an athletic puppy. In my mind, even if it’s a partial tear, wouldn’t her symptoms be more consistent? Ie, she’d be limping all the time and not just sometimes when she gets up for a step or two, or the running/cutting/jumping she does at my house cause a limp? I have an ortho follow up in a little over a week, but any help/guidance would be appreciated.

There is an essay by "raver anthropologist" Simon Reynolds that has become a kind of cult thing amongst Hardcore Techno aficionados. It got published in The Wire in 1998; it turned into a cult object not only because it was one of the rare cases where Hardcore music was mentioned in a bigger zine during the late 90s (as opposed to the many badly xeroxed Hardcore-fanzines, with a run of ~50 copies, of which most were destined to end up on soaked squat party toilet room floors), but because it also focused on a very specific person: Marc Acardipane, his releases, and his label family. [1]
In it, he called Marc "the forgotten man of Techno", and followed up with the reasons for that: even though he was right there at the proper beginning of "Techno", was hugely influential, and good friends with many people that are now considered to be true pioneers and legends by vox populi, he fell out of favor when Hardcore itself fell out of favor amongst the Techno folk; because he stayed true to his "core roots" and didn't disown them, like so many other producers did on their way up to the place amongst the stars (and on their way down to the sewers again).
But let's move on from Simon, The Wire, and the year 1998. What happened after that date? First, Marc itself was pulled out from the "shadow zones"; because at least the Hardcore and Gabber scene finally remembered its Techno roots, and kept worshiping those roots again; although under different monikers, such as "oldschool", "oldstyle", "early rave", and so on - I guess "the names have been changed to protect the innocent". This meant that "Technoid Hardcore" could be enjoyed at Hardcore parties and festivals once more (often on separate floors), which led to a lot of gigs and exposure for Marc and his Planet Core Productions sound. [Note: PCP aka Planet Core Productions was a label family run by Marc Acardipane and Thorsten Lambart in the 90s.] It also influenced the Hardcore scene as a whole. A succession of genres such as "newstyle", "millennium" and "mainstyle" came into existence; genres that to 98% were built upon PCP and PCP-adjacent tracks: "Stereo Murder" (produced by Acardipane), "Atmos-Fear" (produced by Acardipane), "Poltergeist" (released on his label), "Flesh is the Fever" (released on Things To Come Records, a label with personal ties to PCP and that was inspired by PCP), plus various others.
This was already a good thing. But then, slowly but steadily, the Techno folk re-gained their interest in Hardcore and harder sounds, too; and now that the "millennial dominance" of the Techno scene, together with their favoring of minimalist and dandy-esque sounds, is slowly fading away, a younger generation is taking over the scene, and that new generation is very, very hardcore.
This led to a renewed interest in the works of Marc Acardipane, his crew, and his output again, coming straight from the heart of the Techno world. Marc himself acknowledged this development in some of his interviews, and added that the Techno people are sometimes even more zealous and knowledgeable about this music than the die-hard old-school gabbers!
A very fine evolution indeed; and we hope Marc gets into the spotlight again because of this, and that he finally reaps the respect that he deserves!
But why is the Techno folk favoring him and his sound specifically - in fact, more than a lot of other "Hardcore" players? I think this is because - and now we cycle back to 1998's "The Wire" essay - his sound is *indeed* heavily connected to Techno. It's not just some ultra-aggressive, ultra-noisy Gabber outing. It's real, true, bona fide Techno music. More than that, it represents a "road not taken" in the history of Techno music. Because, when you go back to the advent of Techno, to Detroit, Chicago, Berlin, London, Frankfurt, there was always a Hardcore contingent. Hardcore was always part of the Techno spirit, it helped to shape and mold the Techno sound. Alas, as mentioned above, it got disowned, and it became almost "forbidden" to speak of this type of music within Techno circles.
A liminal space that always lingered next to the scene as time moved on; a place that people did not dare to enter.
All this is changing now again. And while "every boy and his dog" (i.e. zines, webcasts, music academies) had their own Marc Acardipane feature by now, focusing on his more Hardcore and Gabber output, we decided to do the very opposite here, and showcase the Techno tracks from the past days of the PCP oeuvre, released using a cornucopia of aliases.
Bon appetit!
Oh, and by the way: we very dearly love "I like it loud", too!
(This list is in no particular order)
1. The Mover - Over Land and Sea how can one not love this track? great techno beats, rhythms, groove... and then this cosmic, celestial arrangement in the middle... the beats come back in, and the dancefloor erupts into madness. the flip side ("underwater operations") is also very well worth a listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuYMsR1Cae8
2. Cyborg Unknown - The Year 2001 (Deep in Detroit mix) this is going deep into the history of detroit techno indeed. it's not enough to be friends of the jaguar here, this track channels cybotron just as much as it does metroplex. funky!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2q4v8_YxbE
3. Trip Commando - Cross The White Line a techno behemoth of the most epic proportions. has probably one of the most elongated build ups in dance history, until the epic cinematic breakdown unfolds. highly recommended!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGWv1e2hBZk
4. Turbulence - Whurlstorm this was on the second release by Industrial Strength Records - a label that shaped Hardcore history, too. it starts as a nice little nasty techno track, until everything breaks apart in the mid-riff, and turns into a hurricane of bass frequncies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sngue8baqPs
5. The Mover - Nightflight (Nonstop 2 Kaos) and this was on Industrial Strengh Records number one! As Lenny Dee licensed "We Have Arrived" (a fantastic hardcore track, to say the least) for his label, and put that number on the back side. a cold groove, percussion that almost feels like a breakbeat... lots of bass, cyber-synth.... this is just dancefloor heaven.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snnHspK1QYI
6. Countdown Part V - Untitled (A1) Countdown FFM is another sub-label to go for if one is looking for some technoid gems. stellar electronic intro, then we get into dance grooves, and things become more deviant as acid sounds sneak in.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfIL6OCtN3o
7. Alien Christ - Of Suns and Moons (Phase II) inspired by "Suburban Knights - The Art of Stalking" (a true classic, originally released on Transmat). Marc made this influence his own, and delivered a very detroit-ish underground rave anthem.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGmmDrQTyyY
8. The Mover & Lunatic Asylum – Frequency Surfers Lunatic Asylum aka "Dr. Macabre" is another person that was entwined with electronic music history while turning into a global player in the hardcore sector at a later date. this is a joint-venture of these two titans of techno, and the result is a very trippy, very twisted and surreal track.
(Cannot be found on youtube, but here are audio previews: https://www.toolboxrecords.com/en/product/17643/techno-hardtechno/dance-ecstasy-2025/ )
9. The Mover - Astral Demons (Original Mix) you should have realized by now: the mover is a synonym for high quality productions. this is one of my favorite pics from the legendary "frontal sickness" releases; and indeed adds a very demonic vibe to the whole dance thing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSMT2KdQt5Q
10. Rave Creator - A New Mind (Thai Acid Mix) "Thai" was a pcp sub that focused specifically on techno, acid, even a bit of trance-ish tracks. despite the alias, this was put out on DE 2001 instead. It's a remix of the famous "A New Mind" track.
starting with pure bass drones. it builds up very slowly, until thunderous, reverberated bass drums come in, and then it goes into full-on acid feeding. similar to "cross the white line", this track could be given the title "cinematic techno soundtrack".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGpuMbLicZU
Honorable Mentions:
T-Bone Castro - Return 2 Planet E Reincarnated Regulator - Italian Stallion Craig Tayaffo - Reduction (Back For Acid-The Expanded 0,25 Hrs Mix) Barracuda - Braineaters Two Tonys - Organ Bitch Nasty Django - Ey Loco Cold Rush Records Frontal Sickness 1+2 Reincarnated Regulator - Mindeater Climax - Relax Nasty Django - 3 P Rules! SexDrive Entertainment - No.2 T-Bone Castro / Ace The Space - Ace In The Hole Project Æ - Whales Alive Ultra Spaceman - Ultra-Style
Footnotes: 1: The original Wire essay - http://reynoldsretro.blogspot.com/2015/03/marc-acardipane-mover-pcp-dance-ecstasy.html

Background: Hank a three year old lab, who is otherwise healthy has already had two surgeries to remove fragments of migrating foxtail that had migrated through his lungs and become lodged in his iliopsoas muscle. His second surgery was 3 months ago. His first surgery was 9 months ago. He's currently on Clavamox
Last night, after a rather long day of running and swimming at the beach, I discovered an all too familiar lump on the side of my dog. The lump is in a similiar location to where Hank had an abscess 9 months ago, related to the foxtail. The lump also follows a now healed surgical incision.
When I pushed on the lump he reacted with some displeasure.
_____
I’m no vet but based on my experience so far it seems Hank’s last surgery didn’t do the trick.
Hank is a family dog and we all really love the guy but after spending about 16k to treat this so far, we are now asking ourselves with what the end game is here. We can’t keep paying for surgeries and we also don’t think it’s really great for him to endure the anxiety of hospitalization, continued antibiotics and pain and discomfort.
I guess, first question I have is - could his lump be swelling from too much play. Again, it’s been three months since his last surgery so I guess I’m just hoping this is it though I know it's not likely.
How treatable are these foreign migrating bodies in dogs? Are multiple surgeries common?
And lastly, if we forego another surgery, what’s the prognosis?
We’re going to schedule another appointment to get him looked at but we’re just swirling with a lot of questions. It’s really tough when money gets mixed in with emotion but we’re trying to arm ourselves to make a decision that’s overall right for our family.

Recently my pet got a lump near her neck, my sister said she had eaten a bee or wasp so she gave him medicine for the inflammation, but yesterday the lump was bigger and it looks very bad, two days ago I had an encounter with a rattlesnake, so I'm afraid it bit my dog, today she has an abscess that looks irritated and is probably in a lot of pain. I cut her hair as short as I could to see the affected area and its spreading all over her neck and cheek, she probably has a fever. The problem: my dad doesn't want to take her to the vet, he says it's too expensive and I should drain the abscess myself and try to fix it and he won't take my Pheobe (my pet) to the vet even if she dies, I can see that she is in a lot of pain and even my other dogs don't want to sleep next to her anymore. I need help. I don't have a penny to my name since I'm not allowed to work and have never had an allowance to save from. I think I need about $500 (or more sadly) which I will gladly try to earn without making my dad mad at me. I have already asked to borrow money, but my few friends cannot afford to lend me some and my relatives still do not respond to me, I am desperate. Any suggestions on how to drain an abscess at home (which i know can be very painful but idk what else to do), how to get money or donations will be greatly appreciated. In a moment I will upload photos of my pet but for the moment she is hiding under the porch.
Thanks for reading, I will read all the comments, stay safe.

So sorry in advance for the long post. I just need to get this out.
TW for talk of suicide and depression
If you’re my partner and you see this - please don’t read this. I promise you are a wonderful support but I know my venting hurts you because you want to fix things and you can’t.
Edit to add some probably important context: I was misdiagnosed with BPD when I was 19 after a traumatic experience. And while every mental health professional I saw after told me it was wrong and was actually PTSD and CPTSD, it was not actually “officially” diagnosed on record until the hospitalization, at the start of my ADHD assessment. But, the psychiatrist that ordered the assessment is the first doctor to ever bring up ADHD or neurodivergence. Just to demonstrate how many people missed these things over the years, how many “second opinions” I’ve had to get. Not in any way dissimilar to my experience seeking diagnosis for my physical health issues.
I feel such immense grief and rage. I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start at the start of this “health journey”. When I was 16, I became incredibly ill. I was vomiting all the time, exhausted to the point of sleeping 14 hours a day from the time I got home from school til just before I had to leave for the bus. I don’t remember much from this time period because of the brain fog and genuinely don’t know how I passed my classes. I was gaining a lot of weight, too, and hadn’t had a menstrual cycle in 6 months, and was so so depressed. My mom ignored the health issues because she thought I was just being dramatic (there is much deeper context with the issues there but it comes down to I am now NC as an adult), but when I said I needed to see a doctor for my depression she did. My then-family doctor was wonderful and listened, and to be safe decided to run some blood tests though I hadn’t described to her my physical symptoms aside from the oversleeping I attributed to depression. I was diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease, or Hashimoto’s. I started medication and my symptoms improved though some things, like the weight gain, never reversed.
I ended up going into remission for a time and no longer needed the HRT. But when I was around 20/21, I started having health problems again. I started experiencing numbness and tingling in both my hands and wrists, which I thought was from repetitive movement working as a cashier, though the symptoms only appeared about 6 months into that job and in hindsight it probably isn’t normal to develop that quickly that way. But I ignored it because I didn’t think it was serious as it was “just” carpal tunnel, and began wearing wrist splints regularly. I did not ask my doctor, as during this time I was having difficulties hearing at work and the hearing test I requested came back normal and I was dismissed and I didn’t want to reinforce the belief I have unreasonable worries about non-issues - later, I learned this was actually an auditory processing issue, which was never brought up by any medical professional I saw as a possible cause.
In 2020, when I was 24, I began experiencing the same autoimmune symptoms I had when I was first sick at the age of 16. I fell asleep at work which had never happened before and it worried me. I went to the ER on recommendation of Telehealth, where the doctor didn’t believe my symptoms and ordered just an EKG that came back normal. He told me I didn’t fall asleep/pass out while actively working, and simply “took a nap” and it’s normal. Follow-up with my GP after was unsuccessful, until I pushed for thyroid testing. I was found to no longer be in remission and put back on HRT, and once again my symptoms improved but did not resolve.
At the same time, and for the year or so that followed, I experienced extreme digestive health issues. I had visible yellowing of the skin, very dark under eye circles, issues with itchy and red patches of skin, and was passing undigested food and eventually became obviously malnourished as a result. I had what seemed to be a kidney stone that passed before I could get in for the ultrasound so it couldn’t be confirmed. I alternated between constipation and diarrhea, and always felt pain. My GP told me it was “probably just IBS” and had me do an elimination diet (twice) that did not work. He dismissed my concerns telling me I’m fine, until I sent a novel of my symptoms and saying I know he thinks I’m a hypochondriac but I am unwell and need to be looked at. The liver tests I pushed for came back normal. He offered to test me for Celiac but advised against it due to the cost of the blood test, so I didn’t. He did, however, refer me for a colonoscopy but the pandemic made this severely delayed. During the wait, I found some relief of my symptoms by cutting out gluten and dairy from my diet, and the yellowing of my skin and dark circles went away as did, eventually, the skin patches my doctor insisted was “just eczema”. I was off of gluten for a full year when I had my colonoscopy in fall 2022, the results came back normal and that doctor reiterated that it is “probably just IBS”. I learned later that I should have been consuming gluten for at least 3 months prior in order for it to be an effective test for Celiac, and my doctor failed to tell me this.
In early 2022, the joint pain had become frequent enough and painful enough in the knuckles where my hands meet my fingers, and in my wrists with definite carpal tunnel in both wrists as well, that I went to my GP. However, he is busy, and it’s often easier to book an appt with his assistant who is able to assess many conditions. At this time I also believed he would be more likely to listen and take me seriously. I went to the appt, described the nerve and joint pain issues. I had an exam where he confirmed bilateral carpal tunnel and arthritis in my hands. He said no testing was needed. I pushed back, stating that I am only 25 and there is no normal reason for the inflammation, and I have Hashimoto’s which has very high comorbidity with RA and I was concerned due to the fact the inflammation was symmetrical. I was dismissed, told the only test that could be done is an x-ray which was pointless as all it would do is confirm the presence of arthritis which he already confirmed with the exam. He told me to keep wearing wrist splints, keep taking ibuprofen and acetaminophen for the inflammation and pain, told me taking them was risk-free, and told me to come back when the redness and swelling of my joints got worse. I didn’t feel comfortable going to my GP for fear of being marked further as a problem patient, and assumed he would tell me the same information his assistant had based on my experiences with him and the fact his assistant is his staff that sees many of his patients.
My depression worsened during these years, coming to a head in early 2023 when I attempted. I did not succeed due to a mistake I made, fortunately. I was hospitalized for a time, where I was finally officially diagnosed with PTSD and CPTSD. And for the first time, a doctor asked if I suspected I’m neurodivergent. I was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a significant amount of non-health related issues, though it also explained some like my KP and teenage cystic acne as they are common comorbidities. It’s important to note that I have a younger sibling that was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and I was viewed as the “normal” child and any issues were dismissed as my sibling had higher support needs and was the priority and I was always viewed as simply being overdramatic and wanting attention. I was told the cause of my depression was trauma, including childhood trauma, as well as 26 years of undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD I had been forced to deal with on my own. I was told I had done the best I could but they were not surprised it reached the point it did, as sadly the mental health system in Ontario is not what it should be and often people do not receive help until they’re long past the point of needing it. And for many, it’s too late. I am fortunate that it wasn’t too late for me, I’m fortunate I survived.
Prior to my stay at the hospital, I had gotten to the point of needing to take ibuprofen daily for the inflammation. When disclosing my medical history and medications, I was asked if I had received a formal diagnosis for my arthritis and what tests had been performed. I told them I had been assessed for and diagnosed with arthritis, but that no tests were performed. It was clear they did not believe me, and I wasn’t provided ibuprofen during my stay. They did not follow-up with my GP regarding the arthritis either, though to be fair I was in the psych ward and non urgent physical ailments were not their concern.
Now we get to 2024. It’s a jump, but I don’t feel anything between is significant. I do not go a day without pain, and havent for 3 months. The pain has now reached every joint in my body, I feel fatigued and foggy, I feel horrible all the time and have had 3 UTIs since February. The last one reached my kidneys rapidly, and coincided with the worst full-body arthritis flare of my life - this was 2 weeks ago. I woke up every 2 hours sobbing in agony because my body and knees in particular were so warm and painful and stiff. For a full day I was unable to get out of bed and ran a low grade fever with chills I assumed were due to the infection but now I’m not so sure. Since then, I have been in constant pain though not as severe as then. My knee and hip pain keep me up at night, and/or wake me up often due to the pain and stiffness. Regardless of my larger joints, my hands and wrists always hurt now. I feel ill in the way I did with my Hashimoto’s. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen aren’t doing anything anymore, and I rely on cannabis for relief which isn’t always suitable. My partner got me a topical ointment that has been incredibly but isn’t affordable enough to be sustainable with how much of it I need in one go, and I need to use it sparingly when I absolutely need it. Despite not feeling that my joints are red and swollen enough to go back (because I see them every day and they look normal because they always look like that), I stuck with my plan to see my GP. I first tried to book in February, but only saw him this week.
I described all the physical symptoms asking about my lower leg/ankle swelling and to have my thyroid levels checked for potential med increase need, and I described my joint issues. He assessed my hands, and told me my knuckles are red and swollen. I’ve realized after in research and really looking at my hands that the top knuckle on one of my fingers has a lump on it, albeit a very small one. He immediately said he is testing me for RA with blood work, and in my research I’ve confirmed the req form is thorough, and also includes urinalysis and an EKG. However he told me for the inflammation marker test to go for it when it’s at its worst, and with my work schedule I can’t, and I’ve waited so long for this I refuse. I’m going for it as soon as I can. I’ve waited so long to be listened to and believed. And as many as half of people with RA test negative on the blood tests so I’ll end up needing imaging tests anyway either way and I want this process to be as fast as possible. Even if it’s not RA, I need them to figure out what’s wrong with me and give me the appropriate treatment. He was alarmed and visibly displeased to hear that I had seen his assistant 2 years ago for an assessment - though I forgot to mention to him that that appointment was also for bilateral carpal tunnel (which I now know is an early sign of RA due to compression of nerves). It wasn’t explicitly stated but it was clear that I should have been tested 2 years ago. And wasn’t.
I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of being sick. I’m just plain tired. I feel so failed by the system that’s supposed to care for us. I’m so frustrated with people insisting that doctors are all-knowing and infallible and if they tell you you’re fine, you are. I’ve been fighting for years to be heard and have only been left to feel like I’m losing my mind and imagining these problems and am just overdramatic after all. I feel vindicated that I was right all along, but it’s too little too late. RA is a progressive disease, and the earlier it’s diagnosed and aggressively treated the better. I’ve had at minimum 2 years of progression that cannot be undone. The damage can’t be reversed. I am angry and devastated. The grief is so f*king immense.
I’m 27. I don’t know what my future looks like anymore and that scares me. I’m worried about the damage this disease has done to my internal organs. I worry having kids is no longer an option for me, due to my health. I worry that my physical capabilities will continue to deteriorate. I am so angry that I’ve been written off as an anxious hypochondriac when I knew something was wrong.
Diagnosis of an autoimmune disease or any illness really, apparently doesn’t negate medical misogyny and ageism. Advocating for yourself doesn’t go anywhere when you’ve been labelled crazy and a problem patient. The most it’s gotten me is my doctor “offering” to send my files if I wanted to switch to a different GP, which I can’t with the GP shortage. I have to live with the lifelong consequences of doctors failing me. And it f*king sucks.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so I'm just kind of here to vent.
I'm pretty sure that I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I recall being as young as 4 or 5 years old and experiencing major existential crises that turned into breakdowns. I was scared a lot, slept on my parents' bedroom floor a lot. Feelings of death and doom have always kept me up at night. There was one bout when I was about 14 where I spent around 3 months sleeping in my parents' room until they got us a family dog to keep me company in my own room at night. I was generally always able to keep busy and had a very active social life. I was always the funny one, outgoing, had lots of friends, and nobody knew what I was dealing with when I was alone. I was able to distract myself by keeping a busy social life, playing sports, studying, focusing on my hobbies. My anxieties were always brushed under the rug by both me and my family members, we all just thought I was quirky and would get over it. We never addressed my issues as "anxiety" or any kind of mental health issue.
I'm older now (31F) and my anxiety has snowballed to the point where I don't know what to do or how to be truly happy anymore. Any second I'm left alone with my own thoughts, it's darkness. My friends and family wouldn't know I'm struggling because being with them, socializing, doing activities are what tend to keep me sane and my mind off the stress of it all, so I probably appear happy. When I'm distracted and with my loved ones it's like I'm taking a break from my mind and I can finally take a breath.
I've always had an overwhelming fear of death. I'm terrified of dying and I'm terrified of my loved ones dying. With this comes extreme health anxiety, which has resulted in ER visits, being probed, having my blood drawn, being hooked up to IVs. When I think that something is wrong with me health-wise, it's all consuming. The blood rushes from my face and I panic, cry, and shut down until it's resolved. It could be something as simple as a lump in my throat or back pain. Simple things that come along with aging send me into a spiral and no matter how hard I try to tell myself "it's just your anxiety" it doesn't help. This constant stress tends to cause me physical symptoms which is like a vicious cycle when it comes to health anxiety. I've experienced shortness of breath, the feeling that my throat is closing (apparently this is called globus), tension everywhere, ice pick headaches, constipation, blurred vision, fatigue, chest pains, numbness, dry mouth. To name a few.
At this point, any time spent alone without a distraction is unbearable. I don't remember the last time I actually relaxed without my mind going crazy. It's starting to bleed into my relationships at this point, I get these compulsions where I can't stop engaging in what my therapist called "checking behavior". I am constantly asking my husband if he thinks I'm dying, then when he reassures me I'll move onto asking my mom, then I'll move onto my best friends, and then my other best friends. It's like I lose all self control and become to convinced that whatever this issue is will FINALLY be the thing that kills me, so everyone needs to listen. It got to the point where my mother begged me to consider medication because I was causing her so much stress, so I just stopped talking about it. Stopped checking (with people, I still google everything), stopped talking about my feelings, and now I just feel like I'm so mentally exhausted and miserable all the time that I don't find joy in the things I used to anymore. It's like a cloud of darkness over me all the time, with a looming feeling of doom in the back of my mind 24/7. I don't even know if I'm scared of death anymore, I just don't feel anything.
I sought conselling last year and spoke with a therapist for the first time, and it felt nice at first, but after 4 or 5 sessions I felt like I couldn't truly open up to them. Maybe I need to try a new one.
If I was being honest with my therapist I would have told them that I feel doomed. My partner wants to have kids and I've always wanted children, but there's a voice telling me that I'll die soon so what's the point. I would never harm myself, I just feel like something bad will happen to me. At night when I'm trying to sleep I sometimes imagine myself dead and in a morgue, and the thoughts won't leave my brain until I grab my phone and start scrolling TikTok. I sometimes have moments where I look at my husband and see a stranger and feel like I'm in an alternate universe. I'm not sure what that's about.
I feel like there's a chemical imbalance in my brain that can only be fixed with medication, but I'm terrifired of going on meds. Talking about my feelings isn't helping me, and anything a therapist can tell me or any CBT methods won't work. I felt like I already knew what my therapist was going to say before they said it, I could finish their sentences, I had the answers to all of their questions. I know what exercises I need to do to help myself and it doesn't matter. Nothing helps.
Anyway, that felt nice to write. I'm not sure what's going on with me, if it's anxiety, depression, both. I was diagnosed with PCOS last year and apparently depression and anxiety can be a symptom, so maybe that's where it comes from. Not really sure where to go from here, but I don't think I can take feeling like this anymore. I am mentally exhausted. Should I try medication?
Thanks for reading.