A month and a half ago my mom passed away. It was the hardest thing for me to deal with. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or really function for almost 2 weeks. I still went to work for a sense of normalcy during everything, even though I only work 3-4 days a week. I remember just looking through the people I worked with, like a shell of myself. I hadn’t felt that in years, and never that severe. Times like that I’m glad my anhedonia is so extreme. It hurt to lose my mom, it I knew I lost the woman who raised me to drugs long ago. This was a shell of someone who went through the motions, but now I know I’ll never see that same woman again.
My issue hasn’t been accepting the loss or grieving, not acknowledging my childhood and everything I grew up with is gone and dead, not that almost everyone I knew from 13-23 is dead. I’ve always been extremely nihilistic anyway, just optimistic about it.
I lost all my motivation. Everyday I’m here with my son and I want to get back into being active with him, taking him outdoors and having fun. I can barely push myself to make myself food after I get him ready for the day. It’s made me question if I really want everything I’ve managed to build with my wife because of issues we’ve been having prior to my mom. I watched my mom be unhappy for years and never actually do anything about it, and I refuse to slide into that.
My avolition has hit an all time high, and idk what to do about it now. I was suicidal for years and made the decision to be here for my child,so I wanna be the best I can for him. I’ve just hit a wall and don’t know what to do now.
I never expected to have a midlife crisis at 28 because my mom passed away, and it’s making me question staying with a woman who I’ve been with 14 years. I realistically know that it wouldn’t help to just leave, but that part of me is saying it’s the only big change I can still make. Idk anymore.

Hi everyone! I wanted to share my experience since starting Metformin a month and a half ago. I was very anxious when I started because I read so many posts on this sub about other people experiencing some rough side effects.
When I started on 1000mg/day (500mg x2), I was having a tough time tolerating it. I tried with a low carb diet, but was still running to the bathroom consistently. My stomach hurt and I was nauseous all the time. I thought, “Oh no, I can’t do this. This is exactly what I read about.” I was ready to quit.
After 2 weeks, I came to this sub and asked for some advice, and ended up backing down to 500mg/day. This helped my body get used to things and a little over a week and a half ago, I went back up to the 1000mg/day. Things have been going well and with staying away from excess sugar and intermittent fasting, I’ve lost 14 lbs!
I feel so much better and it’s such an incredible feeling to see my diet pay off for the first time in my life. I had gained 50 lbs in 3 years and no matter how hard I worked or what I ate, I never saw my weight go down more than a couple of pounds. Now with a very manageable diet, easy walking, and some hiking on the weekends, I see a difference. I don’t feel like I’m depriving myself, and I’ll still have something sweet here and there in moderation. I don’t experience the same food noise or intense cravings for sweets like I did before.
I also started on Nuvaring recently and I’m hopeful my cycle can get back on track.
I wanted to share this because I’m really glad that I didn’t just throw in the towel. It can be really discouraging to start a new medication that is supposed to help you and then to experience side effects that make you feel like you can’t go out to eat or leave your house.
That being said, everyone’s body is different. Talk to others, talk to your doctors, and don’t give up. There may be slight changes you can make that can make a whole world of difference. It did for me! Happy to answer any questions. Good luck to everyone else starting their metformin journey! 💕

I've loved him for years. We had been friends, discovered we were in love with each other but tried so hard to avoid it. Around 2 years ago, we finally told each we loved each other but at the time, I had already moved 8 hours away😭 We stayed as friends and were there for each other until we felt the feelings coming back and we ended up taking a break from each other. Fast forward to October last year, we finally started dating fr. Long distance but it honestly didn't feel like it. We talked everyday and my love for him grew as stronger as ever.
I loved and still love him sooo much. He is the love of my life and we even made future plans, plans to move somewhere and start up our lives together. It's crazy cos there was no physical kinda thing or sx involved and still I was emotionally and sxually attracted to him. Ofc, we had issues but it always brought us closer or so I thought lol Fast forward to his birthday early this year, I went out my way to compose the most meaningful message, created a playlist with songs that reminded me of him, bought presents with hopes of giving it to him as we have plans to see each other later this year. Ohh, I even got a cake for us to cut together on ft 💀
Few days after his birthday, communication started to reduce and then he ghosted me lol. I didn't believe it and I made excuses for him. Messaged him like a fool, begging him to come back to me. I wept, had a panic attack and even considered ending it all cos what was life without him? He had become my best friend, my lover, the one I tell everything to, the one I had built my whole life and future around and I loved him even more than I did myself. Fast forward to over a month of not hearing from him, he finally messaged to apologise but didn't give me a reason as to why he left. Instead he said we were perfect but perfection isn't enough (like huhhh?) I thought I was starting to heal but my heart still breaks.
My heart is still shattered and I fear I could never stop loving him or even be able to fall in love with someone else. It's really sad but I really do want to h*te him if possible because he really has hurt me. Seeing other people's stories on here definitely helps me not feel alone but I wonder if things would ever change. Everyone's telling me to move on but no one's telling me how to. How do I move on from the love of my life? The one my heart yearns and calls for?😔

Warning: profanity and descriptions of verbal abuse.
About five days ago now I (33F) made the decision to go no contact with my younger sister (30F). For the sake of this post, I’ll call her Amy.
Our parents say that Amy and I were really close when we were little. That it was common for them to go wake us up and find that Amy had snuck into my room and into my bed to snuggle with me at some point in the night. They said she looked up to me and that when our youngest sister (currently 27) was born that she was always at my elbow watching how I did things with the baby and then copying it. This is how things went for years.
Sometime around when I was 10, and Amy was 7, things started to change. She’d get mouthy and act out with any provocation or none at all. To the rest of the world she was a nice, normal kid but at home the mask came off. What started as annoying became a hassle became a nightmare as the years went by. My parents tried to address and correct her behavior at first but got worn down over time until my dad just avoided involvement whenever possible and my mom leaned more toward pacifying and damage control.
It’s no surprise that Amy and I’s relationship changed with me not really wanting to spend time with her that wasn’t mandated by our mom and things got worse as I entered my teen years and didn’t wanna play and hang out with my kid sisters, in general. I think it was around that time that she started getting mean and nasty. It wasn’t unusual for her to say things like “I hate you”, “I don’t love you” and whatever but she started getting cutthroat. She’d aim for whatever she thought would hurt you the most. She’d call you a bitch, a cunt (still one of her favs), say you’re stupid, worthless, a piece of shit, that no one likes you that they’re lying to you, that you’ll die miserable and alone, etc etc etc. She’d rant on and on for as long as she could keep the insults flowing. She’d also twist her version of events just enough to make herself look the victim. She had her door taken away several times cuz she kept slamming it. My poor mom took the brunt of Amy for years as that’s where she tended to point her poison and is still the one Amy targets the most.
Thankfully college brought me new friends, some of which also had complicated family relationships, and they helped me grow a back bone and taught me about boundaries and more. Amy was always nice when she wanted things from you but would turn ugly if you said no. Even if you agreed to help her, it wouldn’t stop her being nasty for some other reason. That behavior was where I drew my first boundary. “You can’t ask me for help and then be a dick to me. Do that and my help ends immediately.” Took a few times for the message to sink in, but it did. It was business as usual any normal time but she learned to be on good behavior while she was receiving help from me.
This pattern of verbal abuse, her blocking people for however long until she needed something, and her general unpleasantness pretty much continued as we went into our adult lives and she moved a few hundred miles away. When she was planning her wedding, we were threatened with having our invites rescinded constantly no matter if the topic had to do with the wedding or not. Now that she had a kid, continued access to said kid is the go-to ultimatum criteria for every occasion. Our parents have said that they’re afraid of letting themselves be too open to bond with her kid out of fear that they would grow that bond and then Amy would one day make good on her threats.
The kid is actually what brings us around to the breaking point. I had a kid of my own not long before she did so she bombarded me with questions and wants for advice all through her pregnancy. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was damn near daily. It got to the point I snapped at her that Google is a thing that exists and so is her doctor. Ask them. That got me yelled at and blocked for a while but silence was sweet. The questions continued after her kid was born but at least not as goddamned always.
A couple days ago, Amy started drama with the whole family centered around a crib our parents had set up for whenever the grandbabies come over. Amy demanded that our parents buy a brand new crib and that they had to do it by a certain date or she was never coming to visit and our parents would never see her kid again. She tried getting me on her side about it, tried to say she wasn’t demanding or giving ultimatums, and tried to read me the text she sent that started all this but I’d already seen the text and knew she was lying. She unleashed at me when I called her out before hanging up on me and sending a text saying that I was an “ignorant bitch” and “a shit fucking mother” and somehow there it was, the last straw.
I’m a shit mother? So that’s why my child is consistently meeting and even exceeding developmental milestones? Why the child care staff gush and say what a joy my child is? I’m so shit at being a mother that she made me her nearly exclusive source of parenting info?
After venting to my husband for a bit, I called my parents and youngest sister and told them what happened and what I’d decided to do about it. My mom tried to talk me out of it, saying it was just gonna set her off, but I reminded her that it’s not our responsibility to manage Amy’s actions and emotions. That’s her job and the entire reason why we are where we’re at.
I waited until the next day to write my response and then sent this:
“Amy,
I didn’t respond last night because I was tired of dealing with everything and wanted to make sure I did respond from a place that was more clear headed. I’m not surprised that you lashed out at me last night. It’s expected, it’s what you do. I don’t care that you called me a bitch. I don’t even care that you called me ignorant. What crossed the line for me was your attack on my motherhood. You aimed to hurt, as you always do with these attacks, so you went for what you thought would cut the deepest. Unfortunately for you, I know I’m a good mom. I see that truth in the beautiful, confident, intelligent, loving little kid I’m raising. I’ve seen it in the months of your pregnancy when you came to me with questions almost daily and in the months that followed when you’d have a question about once a week. I know I’m a good mom, and so do you, which is why your attack missed its target and hit an entirely different one. This behavior of lashing out at the smallest provocation and in the harshest most cutting way you can devise will not be something I continue to tolerate. It was unacceptable when we were kids and it’s even more unacceptable now as a grown adult. I don’t know why you think its ok to act this way. I don’t speak for the whole family, but for me and my family, there’s now going to be changes where you’re concerned. For the foreseeable future, you’re blocked. I will not give you the privilege of being in my life when you can’t be respectful. If you would like that privilege restored, and to have the opportunity for us to have a relationship again, then I need to see evidence that you are making the effort to manage negative emotions in a healthy and mature manner. How you go about that is your choice. My personal recommendation is that you start with how you treat the rest of our family.”
She’s been surprisingly quiet since then and my youngest sister says it might be that Amy blocked me and my message wasn’t delivered, but that’ll change at some point and I’ve told them they can forward my message along if it comes up.
I’m very much enjoying my new peace even if I also feel like I’m mourning the loss of my sister. I do love her. We were close once and she could actually be pretty caring and decent when she wasn’t being a raging bitch. I can only hope this is a wake up call for her.

Astrid makes one of my absolute favorite lilac perfumes, so I was extremely excited about this collection! Though my gut instinct was to blind bottle all 8 Studies, I played it cool & ordered 4 decants. I am definitely bottling at least 1 of these, but 2 others are full size contenders as well so this has been a very successful sampling experience.
Astrid is a brand that I really admire but don’t own much from. Often our aesthetics are a bit misaligned & it’s rare that I find a scent of theirs that feels like me. The scents often don’t have the best performance on my skin as well- I generally find them to be a bit too quiet & have a wear time of only 3 hours or so.
That said, Astrid is always worth sampling since they have a great talent for marrying approachability with peculiarity.
On to the reviews!
——
Lilac Study No. 2 “lilac, nag champa incense, spun sugar, and frankincense.”
Opens with the nag champa, the cotton candy swirling in, the lilac at first a silken accent. I get a citrusy frankincense next that makes me a little wary it’s going to stomp on the other notes. The lilac in this one is quite subtle to me- the incense cotton candy along with the bright frankincense are definitely the main players, with the lilac adding a grace & softness. I do wish the frankincense (or whatever else may be leading to the citronella-y note I get once in a while) was left out, but it’s not that distracting & may smooth out with age. Eventually this blends into a gauze of cotton candy tinged with incense & lilac essence, & remains that way throughout wear. If you like sugary incense scents, please check this one out- it does not disappoint. Average throw for an oil- I can smell it when I move around but not when still for the most part. Average to low longevity.
Lilac Study No. 3 “lilac, honey accord, black pepper, vanilla absolute, and bergamot”
Lots of honey & bergamot to start with a tinge of pepper. Cheerfully sweet, a little perfumey, the honey lighter-bodied but powerful. The lilac here complements the honey, infusing it with soft petals. The honey/bergamot combo makes me think of perfumieless realistic takes on green tea- Serpentina from Darling Clandestine comes to mind. Over time, the vanilla comes out a little more, working to tame the honey & smooth over & bring together the other notes. The lilac in this one still acts as an aspect of the honey, it’s subtle in this blend. I get a shake of pepper & could do with a heavier dose to help balance the honey out. I like this one too but it’s my least favorite so far. I’m not always into honey- if you are, this one is quite nice with that sunny bergamot. It’s stronger than the average Astrid blend as well in terms of both throw & longevity.
Lilac Study No. 7 “lilac, iron distilled patchouli, violet leaf absolute, vanilla absolute, rice flower, jasmine sambac, velvet musk, and benzoin”
A cleaner, sheerer lilac with a dab of patchouli & a bright grassy green. This one opens as a more vibrant Spring scene than the other studies, the lilac just part of the tableau at first. Slowly it fuzzes into a musk. The lilac, jasmine, & rice flower are a pale, clean feeling bouquet with the lilac serving as the dominant flavor. The violet leaf is dialed down by the musk, the patchouli even more so. As this dries I would say the rice flower is the most impactful note of the composition- the lilac, jasmine, violet leaf, musk, & patchouli are all in evidence but filtered through the sheer rice flower. I get more patchouli than lilac over time & I am very curious how this one would age- if that patchouli would come out even more & how it would play under the curtain of rice flower. Average throw, & I’d say average to low longevity for me at this time.
Lilac Study No. 8 “lilac, butter co2, vanilla, and cream”
This smells like cereal milk at first, creamy & milky fruity. As the lilac materializes, the fruitiness abates- I’m not sure what I was getting there. The lilac here is gorgeous, fusing with a sweet cream note that is neither too heavy nor sour in the slightest. This one is distinctly lilac petals to my nose. They are ultra satiny & mesh beautifully with the texture of the cream & butter. The lilac is dominant well into wear, though the cream, fortified with a little yellow butter & vanilla, does gradually get stronger- eventually it’s cream & lilac instead of creamy lilac, if that makes sense. Well into drydown the vanilla gets nice & marshmallowy, with cream luscious & smooth & a breath of lilac. This is a lovely flormand specimen & I’m really in love with it. It wears close but I wouldn’t call it overly quiet or faint, it’s just the type of scent that hugs to the skin. I think that lends itself to longevity as well as it was discernible & enjoyable for over 4 hours (I stopped being able track after that).
——
Bonus review of Astrid’s Barn Owl “soft old barn wood, cream, and lilac blossom.”
I immediately wanted to sample No. 8 since it shared notes with one of my favorite scents, Barn Owl, so I figured I’d do a short review for that one too.
Barn Owl’s lilac is ethereal, creamy, & has a touch of, I think, white musk to it. The creaminess is perfumey, never going gourmand. It is a silken ghost on silent wing, the barn wood far below. Barn Owl is undeniably a lilac scent, but it feels more like white blooms in the night than the palette of pale purples I’ve gotten from the Studies. During drydown, Barn Owl is lightly sweet, soft against the skin, the wood more present but never overtaking the cream or lilac or weighing down the ethereal quality of the scent. I love this one for its clean creaminess & whispery veil of lilac.
Bonus review of BPAL’s Pleasing Two Women “oakmoss-infused vanilla bourbon, smoked lilac petals, and orris butter.”
& since it’s the season, I’m sampling other new lilac scents as well. This one is from this year’s Shungas & I thought that a short review may help others make informed lilac decisions.
Pleasing Two Women is a more romanticized take on lilac, with additional smoothness, almost to the point of waxiness, from the orris butter. The lilac petals are higher pitched & slightly more funky than in the Astrid blends & I unfortunately don’t get any of the listed smoke from them. The oak moss is one drop of dark green swirled into lots of whites & purples & it provides an anchor for the lilac & orris. Later in wear the sheer vanilla is the star here, a little mossy, slightly waxy, with more orris than lilac discernible. It’s a highly glamorized take on Springtime- a perfumed impression of blossoms & greenery instead of actual scents captured. BPAL always has good longevity & throw for me & this one is no exception.
——
Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far! Astrid absolutely excels at creating gorgeous lilac scents & I highly recommend sampling some of the Studies if you love lilacs!

For a week I’ve (F34) been texting with this guy (M34) and we have much in common. The conversation flows naturally. I felt good around him and safe. He has many great qualities and is sweet. He is a little childish I’ve noticed but it doesn’t bother me necessarily. He told me after 4 days that he feels he has been waiting for me to show up in his life and finally feels he has a goal. I of course take this with some salt & am taking it slow myself.
But there seems to be a problem. When we haven’t texted yet at all in the day, or during a conversation where I disappear for a couple minutes, he will immediately message me stuff like:
“Why haven’t you texted me!!! Explain!!!” “Insert name, why are you ignoring me!!”
I really don’t like this and told him I find it both an unfunny way to say hello to your crush & also I asked him if he’s insecure. And told him it’s okay to text first and that I can work thru his insecurities with him.
He says it was just jokes and he’s not insecure. But ever since we had this exchange I noticed a huge drop off in his excitement it seems. When I told him how stressful my day was (he asked how my day was) he didn’t acknowledge any of what I shared other than a “oh sorry sweetie” or ask follow up questions. He said he was going to do a chore but it’s been a couple hours.
Is all of this normal? How do I move forward with him?
I’m not 100% sure what is and isn’t normal behavior btw as none of my relationships so far were great and I often was insecure myself. But I healed it.
My gut tells me he’s upset and not verbalizing his emotions to me.
He also oftentimes (not always) games while we have phone conversations, but the convo never seems to suffer from it I think. So I don’t mind. He never told me btw but I always hear his mouse and keyboard so one time I asked about it.
Oh and aside occasional dating he has only had 1 relationship before of one year, but it was long distance and they only met once. His girlfriend was quite a bit older.
TLDR; guy I’ve been seeing jokes about that I’m ignoring him / not texting him / demands what I’m doing or where I am. I asked him if he’s insecure but he says he is not. However his demeanor has changed since then and I don’t know how to move forward, or how to fix it.

For further information on behalf of MAG Silver Corp. Contact Michael J. Curlook, Vice President, Investor Relations and Communications Phone: (604) 630-1399 Toll Free: (866) 630-1399 Email: info@magsilver.com 

The next day finds the military part of the Bridger family waiting in one of the larger cargo bays. Paladin company and Shark Platoon are on hand, all in full power armor except for Makula, with the exception of Jaruna who's standing next to Jerry in a family uniform with her shotgun and sword slung over her back. Jerry had also elected for a dress uniform today, though he'd paired it with a 'ceremonial' curaiss that could still take a hit from a plasma cannon or two... and concealed a small shield generator. Mixed with his cloak and the Crimsonhewer war ax on his belt, Jerry thought he looked every bit the barbarian warlord... if a bit too clean cut for a Hollywood depiction of such.
The situation reminded Jerry of a similar reception back on Serbow... but this one was a bit less ceremonial and a bit more... dynamic. They didn't have any formal bonds with Clan Karchara, or their Khan, Komugai. So as a meeting of two new to each other factions, things could get... exciting. Which considering they were talking about Cannidor meant that things could potentially get very violent, very quickly.
They usually didn't. Not any more. Yet... it never helped to play it safe, even with a clan that had a decent reputation like the Karchara. More cut throat clans had been heard to disguise themselves for meetings like this for meetings so they could ambush their targets after all. Plus as always, there was tradition to observe and satisfy. Tradition which could be best summarized as 'Offer one hand, but arm the other.'. The Cannidor were ready to fight a war naked among any people but their own. They were beyond dangerous. So an armed society wasn't so much a polite society as the unarmed were likely mentally infirm, and to be politely left to their own devices.
A sharp whistle from the 1MC draws Jerry from his thoughts.
"Now hear this! The Clan Karchara envoy is arriving!"
The Karchara drop ship slides into view out of the black and makes it's way towards the docking day with all the leisurely grace of a terrestrial shark swimming towards a coral reef. Whoever's piloting it is clearly a hot hand on the stick because the ship moves as smooth as anything Jerry had ever seen out of Cruel Space, extending it's landing gear and coming to a halt with nary a hint of a bounce in it's suspension and shock absorbing gear.
"Hmmm. The Karchara..." Jaruna rumbles. "An interesting contact in Cannidor space to be sure. So to recap what we talked about, they're somewhat on and off again allies of my old clan. Decent types for the most part. No idea who the Khan is now, and a little searching online didn't turn anything up. Don't think the intelligence weasels had anything either. Save that they've been having some internal structural changes. Seized a new planet too, lighting raid, unconventional tactics, whatever that means. Gives them complete control of... ten decently populated and industrialized star systems I think. They're firmly in the middle of the power band for the Khans by that measurement, exact position depends on the number of warriors under arms they can bring to the Golden Khan's muster."
"Right. Well. Guess we'll have to see what Khan Karchara wants to chat about, and hear about this plan of hers."
The Karchara drop ship settles onto it's landing gear, and it's flight crew leaves the engines running. Tradition. You never knew if a reception was actually friendly after all, and it was also a mark of respect for the hosts. You might be asked to fuck off after all.
The forward assault ramp drops, and the honor guard warriors of the Khan march out, in power armor, but with their helmets off, fanning out to cover their leader. The lack of helmets was very much a declaration of intent, the human equivalent of open palms for a Cannidor in power armor.
Jaruna's brow instantly furrows as she scans the faces of the honor guard.
"...Wait. I know some of those girls. One of my aunts, Norkath is there on the left, and that's... but that."
Jerry can hear Jaruna's brain crunching that information.
"...Komugai. You said the Khan's name was Komugai? Not Jelvuna?"
"Definently Komugai."
"...Unless she changed her name... but then would Aunt Norkath join the Karchara proper without her...?"
Jaruna mutters to herself, clearly trying to puzzle whatever's eating at her out, when the sound of heavy boots on the assault ramp sound, and an utterly massive Cannidor woman starts to come into view. She cuts an imposing presence. Her uniform not too far off from Jerry's, a mix of barbarian warlord and modern dress uniform. The massive war ax over her shoulder tipping the scales on the barbarian - modern officer scale towards barbarian. It was easy to miss her other various weapons in the sheer scale of her. Her stark white fur, the three brutal scars across her muzzle, and another two over her left eye, which had a cybernetic replacement.
Khan Karchara stands for a moment, surveying the room silently... and before anyone can say anything, Jaruna breaks the silence;
"...Mom?"
Khan Karchara cuts loose with a booming laugh that reminds Jerry of Khan Isuras, and if this is indeed Jaruna's mother, he can immediately see exactly why the two women cut palms and swore sisterhood. He wouldn't be hard pressed to believe they were actual sisters.
"Heh. Glad to see all that time on Centris hasn't dulled your powers of observation! Always said you were a sharp one."
There's no sarcasm there, a little maternal teasing perhaps, but she's not mocking Jaruna. Anyone with eyes can tell Khan Karchara is damn proud of her child.
"And this'd be my son in law... bit small but hell just from your first date with my little girl I know you're a first class head kicker, plus you already gave me four grandbabies to spoil! Hahah. I suppose these bigguns here are the older girls? I... say. I thought there was three of you."
Karchara points at Makula.
"You're a bit old to be Hippolyta considering she was born a couple weeks ago. Who are you, girl?"
"Makula Sa'Bridger, I was adopted a few days ago. Honored Matron."
Karchara grins, her numerous teeth gleaming in the light of the hangar.
"Matron? Not Khan?"
"You are my mother's mother, standing in my family's clan hold. To refer to your title by right of blood is most appropriate."
Another bark of laughter.
"Well drilled and whip smart I see. You know the ways of our kind well, granddaughter." Karchara smirks, looking smug before turning to her honor guard.
"See girls? Five now! Haha! What a stud of a bull!"
Khan Karchara turns back to Jerry and Jaruna.
"Ah but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's get the formal bit done so we can go jaw a bit and then hopefully I can visit with my eldest daughter, my son in law and these fine young ladies."
She quickly shifts her body a bit, drawing herself up to her full, imposing twelve foot height.
"I am Komugai, Khan of Karchara. I come to broker peace and fellowship between our clans, to join them in a bond of steel that will stand the sword storm for all time."
Jerry nods slowly. More than they'd expected actually. That was laying out intent to conduct some very, very serious negotiations.
"I, Jeremiah, Khan of Bridger, Admiral of this fleet, lord of these proud warriors before you, bid you welcome, Komugai of Karchara, bring your banner among ours, that they might rest together while we discuss the business of peace, and of wars yet to come."
"Well spoken indeed... and the steel in your eyes." Komugai nods slowly. "Yes, I see what you see in him, Jaruna, well past his considerable combat skills. All the better my dear son-in-law that you have already begun working on my grand design... but come, let us dismiss our warriors that they might go and eat, drink and enjoy themselves. We need only you, Jaruna, and perhaps my granddaughters for this business, so that they might learn the ways of leadership."
"I think we can accommodate that." Jerry says before turning and pulling the ax off of his belt and raising it high, an ancient Cannidor signal for attention from the leader of a warband to their warriors.
"Warriors, we walk with friends, show them to the promenade, that they might share our table while we discuss business."
Jerry and Jaruna guide Komugai to the conference room they'd prepared, while Joan and the girls quickly hustle to get their armor stowed and get their tails to the same spot. None of them wanted to miss a minute of this!
Still, the tension in the room's fairly heavy when the door closes, and Jaruna turns on her mother.
"Alright. We got a couple minutes till the girls get up here. What the hell, mom? You changed your name? Took over the Karchara? What the heck is going on?"
Komugai settles herself in a Cannidor scale chair, grinning all the while.
"You should be happier, daughter. This was inspired by you after all. When you left our band. Left the old clan... I knew you were right. We won't speak of that business, but we were obligated... and I should have been brave enough to refuse, but I lacked the standing... and perhaps the courage. So I did what any good Khan worth her blades would do and crammed it down their throats. Broke that clan, took them in, then subsumed the Karchara with my new band. They've got the older name, so I became Khan Karchara instead of remaining Khan Jormuntide. Your Aunt's got the title now. I'd offer it to you, but you've got your own clan now."
"So Jormuntide remains at least." Jaruna shuts her eyes for a second and lets out a slow breath. "You really did all this because of my idealistic and childish temper tantrum nearly a century ago?"
"Hardly childish. Idealistic? Absolutely. There's something to be said for actually trying to live up to our own ideals though. Especially as warriors. However, that is personal business, and we have business to discuss for the Undaunted first."
Komugai turns to face Jerry square on.
"Admiral Bridger, I'm prepared to offer two things to the Undaunted. One. I want to ally myself and my clan formally with the Undaunted. Second, I prepared to gift an entire star system to the same from my holdings. It is populated, but sparsely across three habitable worlds. Ripe for ongoing colonization and industrialization. To keep things fair, people within my clans will be given a chance to move to or from as they please if for some reason they don't wish for Undaunted citizenship. The Undaunted will then have the standing to select a Khan for your Cannidor population, both in Cannidor space, and Undaunted wide. A non voting position at first, but as the clan grows you will achieve that status quickly I believe."
Jerry stops dead. "...Did you just offer us a star system with three habitable worlds?"
"Yes."
"...Okay, I'm on board, but why?"
"Simply put, the worlds are marginal. They need investment. They need settlers. You need worlds. A strong alliance with humanity... and being the first Cannidor clan to extend that hand formally, even having your realm within my space... only benefits me. As I grow my own territory I might even cede another system to the Undaunted. If the Undaunted Khan helps me in those battles I damn sure will." Komugai chuckles. "We'll see how many Khans are stupid enough to try to fight me in the next few decades of course. The other thing I'm trading on is Undaunted naval power. As you just learned, we don't really do navies. I want a professional navy, the Undaunted have agreed to help me get it... and help secure my space once we secure them my end of the bargain, that, Admiral, is where you come in."
Jerry arches an eyebrow and gestures for Komugai to continue.
"Simply put, you need to do what you just did with that border bandit Khan Irgalas, but across Cannidor space. This isn't a done deal. It's up to the Grand Council and I'm but one vote. You already have an in with some of the other Khans, and the Undaunted are doing business with Cannid Solutions. That's an excellent start, and you just made a stellar formal introduction of yourself to Cannidor space. A flawless orbital and ground fight like that'll make sure word gets around that the Undaunted are here... and as dangerous as their rep says they are. I got a little list of the other movers and shakers you need to press the flesh with to win over key parts of the council. You make the rounds, and I'll be doing the same on my end. We meet on Canis Prime for the council meeting, and then we either have a huge brawl to make our point or toast victory with some top quality booze."
"You make it sound pretty simple." Jerry says, clearly not believing there's all there is to it.
Komugai shrugs. "It is simple in its concept. Pressing the flesh and winning the various Khans over won't be. They'll all have their little tests and challenges for you to get the measure of both humans and the Undaunted. We've seen a lot on the trivid as a species. A lot of us have heard stuff in the news or from kin. This is your chance to just straight up show people who you are and what you're about. Because now you're here, and therefore 'real'. If that makes any sense. Cannidor don't really care much about shit happening on the other half of the galactic disk. Undaunted, Humans, being here? Now? Now people will really start paying attention besides idly seeing if there's some interesting amateur porn or more combat footage available."
The Khan points over at Joan, Boudicca, Khutulun and Makula. "These four will likely be very critical to the warrior house's opinion of you... your next generation of warriors, your daughters. How are they treated? How are they trained? What's their mettle like? If they're strong, and worthy, you will impress the khans in a very good way. If my granddaughters are found wanting, they'd question a great many things... and could cause trouble when the Grand Council meets to discuss my little proposal, among other orders of business."
Jerry looks over at Joan and the girls, all four of them are suddenly looking very tense, especially Makula. "I have every confidence in all of my daughters to deal with anything the Khans can throw at them. Even Hippolyta if a trial suited for an infant is on hand."
That gets a chuckle from the girls, relaxing them a hair.
"Still. We'll burn that bridge when we get there. No sense borrowing trouble that hasn't come yet."
Komugai nods. "Wise words. Your diplomats have already approved this plan on their end, they'll send you the itinerary and all the fussy details shortly. Unless you have other questions for me?"
"I've heard there's a grand council of patriarchs too. Would getting in good with them help?"
That gets a full on shrug from the massive warrior woman. "Yes? I mean. Probably. No good way to arrange that though beyond asking my hubby, and I have. He said their council will handle things if it's deemed appropriate, and I don't need to fuss about it too much, and I know a polite way to be asked to fuck off when I hear one... so keep your head on a swivel on that one Jerry, I'm sure the patriarchs are well aware of the Undaunted... and are looking at a possible way to make warriors out of their sons without making their wives piss their frilly panties."
The khan's brilliant white teeth glitter in the room. "Back when we were the more traditional kind of savages back on our homeworld, the bulls did a lot of the leading and the fighting on an individual basis. Women however have always fought the wars. As we grew as a species, developed power armor, space travel, had our population bloom, a bull fighting another in single combat became less practical, and the other traditional male roles of shaman, guide, and brain trust came to the forefront. The council of patriarchs is an old body Jerry. Pre space flight. One of our first forms of international diplomacy between the khans. The matriarchs hold all the power... but when the council of patriarchs speaks, people know to shut up and pay attention."
Jerry nods slowly. Seemed like he'd just have to wait and see... and make sure he made a good impression when the opportunity presented itself.
"Well. I think that concludes everything we need to talk about professionally. Unless you have something else Khan Karchara?"
"Aww, just call me Mama like my big fuzz ball over here used to when we're not working! I've heard a bit about this little fortress of yours, could you all give me the tour? I'd like a chance to talk to all my new granddaughters after all."
Jerry shrugs. "Sure, we'll head up to the Den for a bit, then head down to the promenade to join the girls for some drinks and skewers. Our Cannidor eatery's got the best skewers in wild space whenever we're there."
"Don't I believe it, get to try some more Earth meats too! Bought a little sampler pack from a friend and good goddess, if you start exporting that bacon stuff in bulk, I'm going to invest in a chain of gyms, because there's going to be a lot of girls fighting to keep their girlish figures!"
First Last (SFW) Last (NSFW)

For me, the tracks would be…

• Pretend It’s Ok or Turn Your Face (redistribute the lines, I’d love to hear how their vocals have developed)
• Case Closed, a very underrated track from DNA
• Towers or Little Me (again with the vocal development)
• Mr. Loverboy & They Just Don’t Know You (underrated Salute bops)
• LIGHTNING
• SLS part 2 and/or LMOLM
• TOUCH, NMSS!
• Glory Days Platinum Edition’s bonus tracks bc these didn’t receive nearly half the love they should have!
• Nobody Like You
• Notice, Woman’s World, More Than Words 👀👀👀
• WLM featuring Megan The Stallion or Cardi B this time haha (and give us the ROCK version hehe)
• FORGET YOU NOT but change the instrumental bc this sounded too much like Work From Home 5H to me 🫢
• SWEET MELODY (I feel like they could just repackage the entire Confetti album as an OT3 album for us tho haha)

I've loved him for years. We had been friends, discovered we were in love with each other but tried so hard to avoid it. Around 2 years ago, we finally told each we loved each other but at the time, I had already moved 8 hours away😭 We stayed as friends and were there for each other until we felt the feelings coming back and we ended up taking a break from each other. Fast forward to October last year, we finally started dating fr. Long distance but it honestly didn't feel like it. We talked everyday and my love for him grew as stronger as ever.
I loved and still love him sooo much. He is the love of my life and we even made future plans, plans to move somewhere and start up our lives together. It's crazy cos there was no physical kinda thing or sx involved and still I was emotionally and sxually attracted to him. Ofc, we had issues but it always brought us closer or so I thought lol Fast forward to his birthday early this year, I went out my way to compose the most meaningful message, created a playlist with songs that reminded me of him, bought presents with hopes of giving it to him as we have plans to see each other later this year. Ohh, I even got a cake for us to cut together on ft💀
Few days after his birthday, communication started to reduce and then he ghosted me lol. I didn't believe it and I made excuses for him. Messaged him like a fool, begging him to come back to me. I wept, had a panic attack and even considered ending it all cos what was life without him? He had become my best friend, my lover, the one I tell everything to, the one I had built my whole life and future around and I loved him even more than I did myself. Fast forward to over a month of not hearing from him, he finally messaged to apologise but didn't give me a reason as to why he left. Instead he said we were perfect but perfection isn't enough(like huhhh?) I thought I was starting to heal but my heart still breaks.
My heart is still shattered and I fear I could never stop loving him or even be able to fall in love with someone else. It's really sad but I really do want to h*te him if possible because he really has hurt me. Seeing other people's stories on here definitely helps me not feel alone but I wonder if things would ever change. Everyone's telling me to move on but no one's telling me how to. How do I move on from the love of my life? The one my heart yearns and calls for?😔

Link for all the chapters available for free here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Deep in the groaning halls of sinew and bone he awaited his audience with the god. At a wave of his hand the ribs which held up the ceiling contracted, tendons shifting within the pink walls of the chamber as the jagged, calcareous spurs that composed the doorway sank back into the spongy masses of tissue, revealing a passage curving down and out of sight.
Menash stood before the yawning portal and considered eternity. This was no an idle thought: here in the Dawning Chamber, the concept was very real. His father, Yulan, had stood in this exact spot times beyond count. When he was struck down in his prime by the Night Weaver and her Leaper offspring, torn limb from limb as he fought to defend Chthonis from a raiding party, Menash’s uncle, Aqavarr, had carried his broken remains over that grinning threshold to join the hosts of the dead, never to return.
A hot and heavy exhalation rattled up out of the depths, wafting in the acrid scent of the bonding pools and the wet slithering sound of the rebirthing canals. Menash felt a crackle of static in the corners of his mind before the signal sharpened and he heard It whisper distinctly:
“Enter…”
The familiar dread crept its way up the small of his back, and he gave a little shiver. No matter how many times he had communed with the Vitalus, he’d never been able to shake the feeling of his utter insignificance. But he persevered, walking bravely down the slurping passage, past the rows of broad antechambers lining either side of the hallway. Each one held a slumbering shape immersed in a cryogenic bath, towering hulks of muscle encased in ribbed and riveted plates of chitin. No two were alike in size or physiology, but all seemed to emanate the same primeval aura of dread that tickled Menash’s fight-or-flight-instinct, skewing it very much towards the latter response. These were the Hollowores, soulless avatars of the Vitalus, each one a tool capable of eradicating an entire species. As Menash approached, one of the living weapons stirred to life. A pronged, anvil-shaped head emerged from the bath, umbilical feeder tubes detaching from its armored flanks as the rest of its bulk followed, its mauve exoskeleton as sleek and shiny as amethyst. The Hollowore extended legs as thick as grown pine trees and lifted itself above him, its pairs of crushing pincers dripping amniotic fluids as it herded him towards the central room.
Bundles of white gossamer filaments spread all across the floor, encircling steaming pools of pus and acid. He saw arms and legs, sensory organs and entire exoskeletons being knitted before his very eyes, the amino acid chains being stitched on a layer at a time, the weeping pus evidence of microphages fighting off possible infections as the Vitalus did Its work.
These were the next generation of exomorphs, yet to be assigned to their hosts. It was here that Vitalus constantly improved the only thing that could ensure the continued survival of Menash’s subspecies. Exomorphs were bonded to Gallivants at birth, the organisms supplying their hosts with the means to breathe an atmosphere they was never meant to endure, and the strength to fight in a world that was red in tooth and claw. They were as swift as the summer wind and could multiply their host’s muscular power by up to twelve times their natural output.
But for all their God-given might, Gallivants were still mortal. They could and often did perish in the endless struggle for existence that the Vitalus called the Great Game. But even in death they could still commit their essence to posterity, passing down their defining traits through the malleable genetic code of the gilt helix. It was the Vitalus’ greatest boon; through the gilt helix a single individual could become a progenitor of an entire generation, becoming at one stroke the father of whole nations and peoples.
One day he too would prove worthy of the honor that Yulan had earned with his life. But he was not alone in that ambition. Menash was annoyed to find the crimson-clad Vezda and the cowardly Racek waiting for him inside, standing next to a large ball of filaments that hung from a tonsil-like growth hanging from the walls.
This node pulsed, emitting a small storm of bioelectric activity, networks of fungi conveying commands in the form of oscillating voltages to their communities of symbiotic bacteria, the latter containing greigite mineral crystals aligned in the shape of electromagnetic coils. Other networks hidden in the walls modulated and amplified the signals, and the three Gallivants steeled themselves for the onrushing flood of information as the Vitalus tapped into their minds.
He was a candle before the raging heart of the thunderstorm. For an instant Menash touched a fraction of Its intelligence, the divisions of time and space rolling back as they joined the ocean of shared consciousness, becoming one with the living systems of Arachnea. From the tiniest aeroplankton floating above the waves of the golden coastlines, to the herds of ultrapods munching their way through swathes of trees in the savannahs. Menash felt himself pushing up out of the soil, longing and lusting and reaching for the sunlight with a trillion green fingers uncurling, alive with the furious movement of life.
But what was that flicker of orange to the east? That searing heat, that prickling pain spreading like a cancer down his side?
The Vitalus scooped them up and hurled them headlong into hell itself. A roaring wildfire was sweeping into the heart of the eastern rainforests. Menash tasted ash and ruin, felt pieces of himself wither and burn, his branches tongues of fire, wood cracking from the intense blaze, sap boiling instantaneously upon contact and rupturing, splitting him right down the grain. He fled in terror, running, slithering, digging, swimming, flying away in crazed panic from the walls of red death closing in on him. As his skin flaked off in clumps of charcoal he looked back and saw it towering over the treetops, the epicenter of this howling vortex of destruction: the grey behemoth. Its burnished metal hide gleamed like copper, reflecting the fury of the conflagration burning well into the night.
Menash pulled his mind away before it was lost forever in the storm of electric potentials. He saw Racek and Vezda swaying on their feet, breathing hard and fast.
“Heart of the World,” he managed to gasp, “What is your bidding?”
The Hollowore maneuvered itself until it was facing him directly. Tiny beady eyes fixed him in their blank gaze. The node emitted a blue pulse and the creature shuddered as it received the signal. It opened a maw powerful enough to chew boulders into gravel and rumbled:
“This one is the alpha which survived first contact with anomalous variable. It will tell Us what occurred, and from whence this threat emerged.”
“It came from the karst mountain range, where the yellowjacket Amit live,” Menash replied, “It was destroying the largest mound in that area, massacring its inhabitants. It brought the mountain down on them—we’ve never seen anything like it. Zildiz was the first on the scene. She warned us not to approach, and that it was dangerous, but some of us,” here he cast an angry look at Vezda, “Some of us went ahead and tried to scavenge from the bodies of the dying. Then the behemoth ignited the air and burned scores of us to cinders.”
“Irrational. Why did you do this?”
“W-we thought that you had spawned the grey behemoth,” Menash stammered, embarrassed to say the least, “That it was the newest addition to the Great Game, another species of ultrafauna that would help perfect Arachnea.”
“Not so. It was made by an evil far older than the All-In-One,” replied the Vitalus, “It is called a Divine Engine. In cycles past, this evil sought to undo this world and all that inhabit it. In that, it almost succeeded.”
Menash felt his blood run cold at those words.
“Is it the only one of its kind?” Racek piped up. Menash and Vezda both bristled at his interruption; subordinates were only supposed to speak when spoken to.
“There were several deployed here in Our infancy. We had thought them all destroyed in the War of Creation.”
“Your Munificence,” Racek went on, heedless of the venomous looks he was getting from the other two, “Most of us survived because Zildiz persuaded us to dive into the river. She saved all our lives! But as I washed up on the riverbank, I saw the behemoth casting a seedpod into the skies. I did not see where it landed, but it was travelling in a high arc due east. Is this the behemoth’s method of reproducing? If so, then how many offspring can it generate from this one seed?”
The Vitalus met his questions with a minute of silence. Menash had never known It to take so long to respond to a query, and felt another stab of unease in his gut. Unless he was imagining things, the Vitalus seemed genuinely disturbed by the scenario that Racek has raised, enough to convince Menash that the danger was far from hypothetical.
“That is a distant possibility,” It said somewhat cryptically, “Regardless, We cannot allow the Engine’s continued existence.”
“Then it must be destroyed,” Vezda said, her barbed tail eagerly perking up.
“We are not certain that it can be,” the Vitalus said, and Menash heard Racek audibly gulp at the admission.
“But Your Omniscience, you alone are the arbiter of growth and decay,” Vezda said in disbelief, “Surely you can unmake this monster as well?”
“Perhaps. The Divine Engines were built to withstand the extremes of temperature, gravity, atmospheric pressure, acidity and irradiation found on semi-inhabitable exoplanets. Worlds of bareness and desolation, glassed by thermonuclear bombardment or infested with alien microorganisms. In the wars of Our youth, the Betrayers used tungsten-alloy warheads fired from space platforms to crack their bulkheads. Not even Our vessels, the Hollowores, could damage them in any significant way. We will need time to gather the raw materials and fabricate the weapons needed to end this threat.”
“What must we do?” Menash asked.
“If this variable is not dealt with, it could upset the delicate balance We have sacrificed so much to achieve. Already the wildfire it has caused will release close to 400 million metric tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and destroy 2.3 million acres of forest before Our countermeasures can stop it. Time is our limiting factor. If the Engine cannot be destroyed now, it must be restrained.”
“It hasn’t moved an inch since we last saw it,” Vezda said brightly, “Maybe it has already died?”
“Yes, and maybe your mother was a horka toad,” Racek said snidely. Vezda scowled and took a step towards him, then stopped as she remembered that she trod on hallowed ground.
“Not so. It has merely gone dormant. Having expended its fuel, it is now running on the bare minimum of its reserves. My children, you must ensure that it does not wake again. Establish a quarantine zone around the Engine and let none approach, on pain of death. The Leaper kindreds will secure the ground while the Gallivants patrol the skies.”
Vezda and Menash exchanged troubled looks. Nobody wanted Leapers establishing a foothold in what was essentially a buffer zone between their subspecies. Once allowed to settle in a habitat, it would not take long for them to adapt and become masters of their new territory. Ousting them would become a battle of attrition, and given the lower birthrates of Gallivants, it was not one they could long afford.
“Respectfully, we do not require assistance from our brother kindred,” Menash ventured, “We are more than capable of safeguarding the area ourselves.”
The node throbbed again, the bioelectric flashes taking on an angry purple hue. With a sound like the grinding of a millstone the Hollowore clashed its claws together impatiently. All three of the mortals took a hasty step back.
“The alpha will obey, or another will be found that can,” the Vitalus growled at them, “All subspecies will observe a general truce during this period. This is a temporary addition to the Great Game. Those that serve Us well shall be rewarded. We shall also enlist the aid of your terrestrial cousins, as well as the Cataphract clans to replenish the soil, and lone Saints who shall rove beyond the quarantine zone.”
Menash’s unease deepened. The Vitalus was bringing together four different kindreds, some of which killed each other on sight, in a move that reeked of desperation. The kindreds had worked together before, of course, on complex projects such as altering rainfall patterns and husbanding struggling species, but never so many at once. This was bound to end in bloodshed.
“Those that break the truce shall be chemically neutered, and their gilt helix purged from the existing gene pool,” the Vitalus continued, “You will maintain this quarantine until We have dealt with the Engine.”
“It is understood!” Menash and Vezda said at once.
“But what about Zildiz?” Racek blurted out, again risking his entire lineage by speaking out of turn, “She might still be alive out there!”
“He’s right,” Menash found himself agreeing despite his dislike for Racek, “She’s our alpha, after all. It would be a shame to lose her helix. Do we have your leave to send out a party to recover her?”
The Vitalus pondered the request for a moment, then crushed his hopes when it said:
“Regrettable, the loss of the female. Valuable stock for the breeding program. But it has not responded to Our signals—it is unlikely to have survived. The female Vezda shall take up its duties as alpha.”
“But Your Benevolence—” both men cried out in unison.
“It is decided. She has risked the Great Game, and must abide by its outcome. To speak more on this would risk Our displeasure,” the god warned.
“We can’t spare the manpower anyway,” Vezda pointed out, trying not to look too pleased at Its decision. She darted a quick look at Menash, long enough for him to see the selfish desire festering in her heart. He turned away from her in disgust, baring his blades by the slightest of margins to let her know what he thought of her, then asked the Vitalus:
“But what of the Engine’s seedpod? Should we search for it?”
“Negative!” the Vitalus boomed, its node reinforcing the word with a spike of activity that sent needles of pain spearing into their heads, “We shall complete this task. It is dangerous and can be entrusted to no other.”
The Hollowore angled its massive head towards the cavernous ceiling, armored flaps on its back sliding aside as it unfurled sets of rigid sixty-meter wings. A wide sphincter on the roof gaped open and Menash saw the evening sky awash with the stars in their milky multitudes. The Hollowore took a deep breath through the spiracles lining its thorax and abdomen, pumping air through a pair of hollow tube-like protuberances under either of its wings. Menash and the others quickly scampered to a safe distance. Seconds later there was a scream of chemical combustion and the Hollowore rose into the evening skies, leaving behind a long trail of superheated gases, the backwash almost knocking Menash off his feet. They watched as the Hollowore gained altitude, making straight for the columns of billowing smoke on the horizon, a sweeping shadow blotting out the light of the heavens.
The Vitalus’ mental presence receded with it. When it did not return, they took it to mean that they were dismissed and likewise took flight and headed for Chthonis. They were hardly out of the Dawning Chamber when Vezda seized the scrawny Racek by his wings and anchored her feet right up against his back.
“Funny little man, are you? Crack jokes at my expense again, and I’ll see to it that you’ll never fly again!” she snarled, yanking hard. Racek yelled as his wings threatened to pop out of their sockets.
“Stop!” Menash said, ramming his shoulder into her and knocking the smaller male out of her grip. Vezda rounded on him, blades out and her tail aquiver with rage.
“As for you! No one should speak to the Vitalus like that!” she shrieked, “Much less gainsay It! Are you trying to get us all killed? It is the source and continuance of life itself—”
“But the Vitalus doesn’t always consider the individual scale of things,” Menash reasoned, controlling his rising anger as he tried to defuse the situation, “Its scope of thought is beyond ours. Therefore it is up to us to look after each other. None of us can win the Great Game alone. We need people like Zildiz for the species to prosper.”
“Your logic is flawed,” Vezda spat, “Empathy is a sham devised by the selfish action of the gene, which seeks only to preserve itself. At least I am honest enough to look after my own interests. Your obsession with that whore is misplaced. Heed my words, Menash. What happened today marks a change in the Great Game. Only the ruthless will reap the rewards of this era. Think on that, and act accordingly.”
The female darted off in another direction, leaving the two behind.
“Thanks,” Racek said, rubbing at his sore shoulders, “My, my. She’s really taking her promotion very seriously, isn’t she?”
“This doesn’t make us friends,” Menash said shortly, “We share a common interest, that’s all.”
The two flew together in silence for a time, the dark canopy unrolling below their feet. Racek had always been a bitter rival for Zildiz’s affections. In the mating seasons he and Menash had flown the damsel-dance against each other countless times, racing and dogfighting at top speed through the dense bamboo thickets in an effort to impress her.
But each time she had always chosen Menash. Naturally. He was the stronger, the braver, the son of the Scourge who had slain hundreds on his lightning raids into Leaper territory. Their pairings had been brief and passionate, yet she had always laughed at the end and gone on her merry way, a rose petal borne on a scented breeze, the dalliance as meaningless to her as other concerns like eating or breathing.
But not to him. Right now, all that mattered was her. And Racek was the only one in the whole wide world who knew exactly how he felt. Did that mean he could be trusted? Menash considered the enormity of what he was about to do, and wavered. Then he saw her face in the darkness of his home, the face she wore when they were all alone together, and he took a deep breath before breaking the silence, saying:
“I’ll be in charge of the quarantine. I can arrange for you to disappear for a few days. I can have one of the younglings mimic your magnetosynaptic signal, make it seem like you’re with the rest of us.”
“You’d do that? For me?” Racek said in astonishment.
“Hah. Not for you,” Menash laughed softly. He looked Racek straight in the eyes and continued: “What’ll it be, then?”
If he so much as hesitates, I’ll have to kill him here and now, Menash told himself.
“Why, yes. Yes, of course!” the little brown male said vigorously.
“Good,” Menash sighed with relief, “She’ll be very grateful to whoever brings her home. I’d do it myself, but as an alpha I can’t risk being seen as disobedient.”
“Then why give me this chance? After all that’s passed between us?”
“I should have thought that was obvious,” Menash replied. Racek digested that for a bit, then out of nowhere said:
“If I find her—when I find her—I’ll tell her exactly who it was that sent me.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“Bah! Just so we’re even, that’s all,” Racek grinned, his mouthparts slanting askew.
“Thanks, I guess. I’d…I’d appreciate that. You do understand what we’re risking here, right?”
“Sure. We’ll be total genetic write-offs if we’re caught. But it’s not like I wanted to see tiny ugly Raceks running around the house anyway. What about you, though? Why are you putting your neck on the chopping block?”
“You know why,” Menash said quietly, his thoughts still lingering on her face.
“Yes,” Racek agreed with a wistful air, “Yes, I suppose I do.”
And the pair spoke no more until they reached Chthonis.
Link for all the chapters available for free here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

Hello all! I took some time off to focus on another project and give myself a fresh set of eyes for this book and query. I really underestimated the work that goes into a good query. I've revised the opening of my book and redone the query to be more dynamic. Any and all feedback is welcome!
Dear [agent],
Life is a death sentence, and James Cross has died 20 times. But, thanks to Clonecare, you can have your bullet and eat it too. James final clone-claim results in a “defective” clone that’s taller, smarter, and stronger. What James doesn’t know is that he’s now thrown into the middle of a conspiracy to hide the better clonecare that only the rich and powerful get. Adam Miller, CEO of the largest clone insurer in America, sends his personal assassin after James; a wall of muscle known only as “Janzen.” If James dies, he won’t be coming back this time.
Deciding that his life must mean more than the sum of his deaths, James wants to do something big. He has one year before his defective body will die. One year to change the world or die trying.
Nick Druune hasn’t been close to anyone since his violent and bitter divorce from his husband. But, due to poverty, he’ll be working alongside his ex-coworker, James Cross. James wants to make “The Emotional Network,” an app linking users on the same emotional spectrum. James tells Nick it’s because he wants users to see the human beyond the screen. Nick has his suspicions but can’t afford to pass up the job. He should have listened to his doubts.
Nick is too late to see what James was really building: a death cult. Death. Rebirth. Death. Business as usual, right? As rioting breaks out across America, a manhunt is on for James and Nick with the police and Adam Miller chasing after the two. The cult, fueled by James calling for more people to “self-claim,” asks the question: how do you stop a death cult when resurrection is on the table?
CLONECARE is a Sci-Fi, dark comedy about the value we place on life compared to the deductible we get billed for it. Complete at 97k words, this standalone novel will appeal to readers of Autonomous by Annalee Newitz and Mickey7 by Edward Ashton.
First 300:
Chapter 1
Twenty Deaths or Fewer

“You need to die less.”
The words had bounced around James’ mind for several days. As his body hurled toward the ground, he couldn’t stop thinking about dying less. It was his first suicide; he wasn’t sure what else to think about. Maybe he should have thought about his childhood. A warm memory of being with his mother. Anything other than the mundanity of policy changes and premium charges. What poetic things do other people die thinking about, he wondered. Of course there were a million other, better things to ponder while falling twenty stories. None of that mattered in the end. This end, that is; not any of the other twenty endings James has had. It had started three days ago, when James had a meeting with Marie Carmine, his local clone insurance agent. They met in her office at C-Insure when she had said it.
“You need to die less.”
James was dumbfounded. The problem wasn’t the price, the system, or the deep sigh in which Marie had callously said it, the problem was him, according to her.
Marie had given this speech to her customers with alarming frequency as of late. Even though she had lost count of the number of times she had explained the situation, it felt new and terrible and fresh every time one of her customers called or, in James Cross’s case, showed up at her door asking about their coverage change. She was at a loss for reassuring words after explaining the policy change to him.
“Maybe try and take a few days to weeks and calm down your adventures.” She felt like a doctor having to explain to a patient how to drink water.
“That’s your answer? Die less?

I’ll try to get my point across being the least bit political as possible, but one of my biggest barriers right now to making a decision is the feeling that I’m giving in to external pressures and less making my own choice. I live in a red state in the US, ie very little support for childcare, and attacks on contraception and women’s rights to choose. I can’t help feeling like I’m giving in to views talking about how women “belong at home with their children” if I choose to have a kid. Modern feminism really seems to stress that motherhood is a burden and gets in the way of what women can achieve. How do I get out of this mindset when I’m surrounded by this kind of messaging? I want to think I’d be some sort of rebel mom but realistically I know having a child would fundamentally change my priorities, that the idea that “you can have it all” means you might have it all but not all at the same time. I am constantly reminded of the privilege I have to make this choice for myself and can’t make it lightly because of this. Have others felt the same or made a decision with this in mind?

I know it’s only day 2 of the season, and we can all pretty much agree at this point this season is great.
Helltide changes are awesome, and most importantly, fun and engaging.
Loot feels so much better, no more hoarding aspects like I’m playing my favorite JRPG saving the best consumables only for the end of the season to come and I never use my 100% aspect rolls.
However, one small minor thing I think needs looked at. Currently, Tempering is INSANE. Like, weapon, rings, amulets being able to sometimes double dip HUGE offensive power makes tempering an absolute massive power spike. As the system is for legendaries, I quite like it.
This however makes uniques sometimes even less powerful though. Besides the case of a select few (such as shaco), the inability to temper Uniques makes many of them much much weaker than regular legendaries with double tempering.
I would like to see some form of buff to accommodate some uniques then, either in the way of allowing tempering on uniques, or just raw buffs. Additionally, it would be possibly cool to see “unique” temper recipes, that you collect for specific uniques, to maybe add a small way to customize them.
Any one else have thoughts?

They replaced the solenoid and did an oil change 6 days ago. This morning when I turned the car on the check engine light was on and the car was limping again. What could the issue be this time?

Heads up: this is long, and I don’t know what I am asking. Maybe writing this down was some sort of therapy or at least a way to get some of my thoughts in order. I am always appreciative of some perspective.
So, the scary and ugly words that may define the end of a relationship era have been said…”Maybe we should just call it quits then”. I am very sad for the kids and our family and mostly worry about how we should tell this to our older kid (6). This will be devastating for them.
Some context: My partner (M38) and I (F43) are together for 12 years, not married, two young children (6 & 2). We both work full-time, have a house and lead a fairly average and busy life. We don’t live in our home country, which we left 12 years ago, and have been living abroad ever since (different countries). So, we’ve been through a lot together and had plenty of good and some challenging times. Also, we don’t have any family support in the country we call home now.
Our challenges started a while ago, got better for a long time (we decided to buy a house and had a second child that is now 2) and now we are back to bad. This was seriously creeping up on me and I am very confused about the overall up and down of my partner perceiving our relationship as good or bad. I am a fighter and tend to want to work on things as I don’t assume it will be easy breezy without putting in the effort. He, I don’t know, may be done putting any effort into the relationship or is not willing to put the right amount in, as he hopes to get away with little to no fighting.
Going back to the beginning of the pandemic, about 2 years after the birth of our older child, he told me he wants to leave me as he didn’t think that our relationship was good or loving enough and he couldn’t take it anymore. We decided to do couples counselling and worked, amongst others, on our communication, which appeared to be an issue. Our relationship improved and I started working on some personal challenges that stem from my childhood.
Our upbringing was quite different. He is the only child of a single mum. His stepdad has been part of his life since he was about 3 years old. His stepdad used to (now retired) work in a different city so was only around on weekends and during holidays. His mum is loving and easy-going, and his stepdad and mum have a great relationship. However, despite his mum and stepdad getting along incredibly well, my partner always had a somewhat challenging relationship with his stepdad as he was never too keen to take on the father role and was rather strict. My parents on the other hand are emotionally very immature and there was plenty of emotional neglect and, at times, emotional abuse. Because of this I have issues classifying and understanding my emotions, asking for support, confidence and self-worth.
Because of my upbringing and because I absolutely love and adore my children, it is very important to me to be patient and take the gentle parenting approach whenever possible. Admittedly, this doesn’t always work out as I have my limits and the kids can be a handful. My partner on the other hand, albeit a very great and loving dad, is much stricter, works a lot with consequences and doesn’t tolerate unruly children. Personally, I have no problem if both parents follow a different strategy if it’s complimentary, which I thought our parenting is. My partner, however, thinks otherwise and told me that the challenges with our kids are because of my parenting style and because I don’t have them under control. They are great children and do exactly what I expect children their age would do at times: fight for independence, have toddler manners and tantrums, are terrible at listening after a long day of school and are naughty at times. For the longest time, I thought that our parenting styles align pretty nicely, now it’s a major issue for my partner that I have different opinions on how to treat our children.
Another issue that keeps popping are chores and me asking him to do certain things, while he wants to the things when he wants to do them, not when I ask him to. In his mind, I am giving him orders. In my mind, I simply want to share the workload and want to be able to rely on him. Some contexts. It’s important to me to share household and childcare chores and we follow a, more or less, 50/50 approach (mental workload is still mostly on me though). We are both working full time and because my role is more senior, I am earning a decent amount more than him. He, however, has assets from his parents. Sometimes when I see that X needs to be done and I am on my way out to get the kids, I ask him if he can do X. When I come home and still have to do it myself, I can’t help it but I am disappointed. I try to communicate my emotions clearly, which is a hit and miss on how it’s perceived. I learned that expressing my disappointment about him not doing X is a miss, as he considers this an attack and shoots back that he is frustrated and annoyed with me giving him orders and then being disappointed in him.
And now the good old physical connection. We never had the most elaborate sex life. Pretty vanilla and never the amount he would have liked. Due to my upbringing, I don’t need physical touch to feel well (I love hugging my children though and do it often). Since I rarely got affection growing up, a bit of hugging goes a long way for me, and I don’t tend to crave it. In contrast, he likes hand holding, touching, hugging etc. In the past, our therapist suggested that I simply initiate a hug once a day, which worked for quite a while. Fast forward, busy lives combined with plenty of sick days for most of the fall and winter, there wasn’t a lot of physical connection between us. However, what bugs me is that he complains that he misses it but rarely initiates. I don’t understand. I never turn down a hug and it’s usually me who asks for sex.
Overall, he is a great person and partner, and fantastic dad with his own issues that he doesn’t seem to be fully aware of. Even though he appears very confident, he isn’t. He is constantly seeking praise and confirmation, and often thinks that the ‘the grass is greener on the other side’. He rarely sees the error in himself and thinks that his way is the right way. He is also almost obsessed with being happy. Therefore, he can’t handle when I am a little down and tells me I am bipolar. I have moody spells when I am getting my period and lately work has thrown me some curveballs. But overall, I feel I am in decent mental shape most of the time, especially considering that I broke off the contact my parents about 10 months ago and I am working through some childhood trauma. I am proud of the discoveries and progress I’ve made. For him, it’s not good enough. He doesn’t like thoughtful me that isn’t smiling all the time with sun shining out of my ass.
Somebody saying or implying that I am not good enough or not meet their expectations is a bit of a trigger for me (which he knows), as my mother constantly criticized me for all sort of stuff.
He smokes a decent amount of grass, because it is helping him relax and be more chill with the kids. I wonder if this has changed his perception, memory for sure and contributes to overinterpreting certain things.
All I really want is not to be put down and compared to my mother, and being accepted by my partner for the person I am, with all the good and the bad.
Is there hope? I would miss our family terribly and hate that our children would get their first emotional scar.

Recently divorced my husband of 20 years. My now ex husband decided during an explosive episode that he “wanted a fucking divorce” (NOT the first time this came up), told me to go see a lawyer after we sat down days later and agreed our marriage was over. With that, he left….
He then changed his mind and came back a few days later, but during his explosive cycle, he said something that completely turned my heart off to him. What was done could not be undone. The love bombing commenced. He became everything I could have wanted and was finally open for therapy. But when I said no and pointed out his love bombing and his cycle of abuse (I caution anyone who decides to tell their abuser that they are abusive. Sometimes less is more). He proceeded to send me emails ranging from mean run on sentences to, “we should talk”, to friendly banter, and then picking at things around the house after he was supposed to have been gone (ie “xyz wasn’t cleaned. Please clean daily”). Yet somehow, likely due to my silence, he has convinced his adult kids that have known me since they were 5 and 7 and his entire family that this is my doing. I have lost most of the people I spent the last 20 years with aside from my family and closest friends because everything revolved around him and his comfort level. Some days it’s hard justifying to myself that I’m not a terrible because of all of the loss, but that was likely his goal. He knew he had conditioned me to blame myself. If he couldn’t have me, he would alienate me from everyone I loved that he could. He manipulated me into giving him back one of our dogs (the love of my life, once in a lifetime kind of dog) that he previously decided he didn’t want by telling me everything was his doing and he isn’t a good person and afterward asking if he could please have her. He was her “person” and I knew she would be happier over all with him but I felt we were on good terms after that and I would be able to see her as he promised. A few weeks later, I was terrible again. He moved her out in December despite him coming back every other week for a day or 2 (to inspect the property and report his findings via email every Monday) and I didn’t get to say goodbye and have not seen her since He went so far as leaving lists laying out about titled “how to deal with a narcissist”.
I deeply miss the non-abusive side of him, but that side became less and less frequent as the years went by. The last year was week after week of explosions. I’m sure it’s because I was “a terrible wife” as he labeled his first wife (who ironically had things to say about me not taking him back). And I’m sure everyone I knew and loved during my marriage now feels the same way based on whatever narrative he has spun. At the end of it all he walked away with a large sum of money despite that I agreed to up charge the house buyout so that I didn’t have to pay him maintenance (I make a good living and he cut his hours to 2-3 days during the divorce which for some reason was OK and put me at risk for having to pay him despite his earning potential being higher than mine )
Despite all of the pain I carry right now. It needed to happen. I am and will continue to be better off.

Hi gang! I just started my first week of t and I wanted to gush to someone in my age bracket and maybe gain some perspective on being an older ftm guy.
I've been dreading my 30s for... years now. Last year, when I turned 29, I finally decided I wanted to start the next decade of my life as a guy, but put the process off because I didn't even have a PCP.
Anyway, now that I'm halfway to my 30th (and the fear is setting in), I finally took a friend's advice and went in for a consultation at a trans clinic expecting fück all (living in a red state). I had an awesome experience with the doc and literally left with a t script the same day. It was genuinely SO validating to have someone trust that I'm nearly 30 and know what I want. I've been so used to (as a former young woman) hearing the dreaded "Why? Are you sure?" from doctors to the most banal stuff (shoutout to the doc who refused to check my iron levels because "all women think they have anemia but they never do"). The only question this doc asked me was "How long have you wanted to start t?" and found my "6 months" to be sufficient. For the first time EVER I felt happy to be 29 and finally be deemed 'old enough' to make my own decisions and be taken seriously.
(But if I'm being real, in like 6th grade I went to a girl's summer camp and told everyone a boy's name instead of my yucky girl one and had a very blissful 3 weeks of feeling giddy every time someone addressed me, but that's not relevant.)
My app was on a Tuesday, I got my t shot on Friday, and the wildest thing is, I don't have such a deep and profound dread of turning 30 anymore? I'm excited to see the changes I'll have by the time I'm 40, 50, which is so shocking to me because I've spent the last 3 years pretending I'm still 24. I just feel so EXCITED for my future, which I have not felt in YEARS. And the timing works out perfectly because by my b-day, I'll have been on t for 6 moths and will, as desired, start my 3rd decade as a guy.
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So, rambling aside, guys who started later in life, what's something you're looking forward to in your 30s and 40s? And guys who are already in their late 30s/40s, what was the best change that came with aging? What do I have to look forward to? (Even if that involves balding.)