Context worksheets

I am having a hard time trying to buy a new car. The dealerships are giving me the run around asking me to come over in person for them to be able to give me a break up of the Out of the Door price. And, when I did go to a few of them and after wasting a lot of my time they shared the break up of total costs - even then they wanted me to provide a verbal assurance that I am serious about buying the car and they wouldn’t give me a copy of allow me to take a picture of the worksheet. The whole exchange seems as if like the dealership is about to commit a crime and they don’t want to leave any evidence behind. I never faced this much difficulty when I was in the market for a car the last time about 10 years ago. And, most importantly, every dealer I went to has ‘mandatory’ dealer add ons on the car such as Window Tint/Door Edge guard, platinum maintenance for 3 years, Theft recovery device, Interior and exterior protection plan etc. totaling to almost $$4000. For context this is in North Texas. I asked one dealer if there’s any way I can decline some or all of these add-ons and he told me that these are mandatory per the dealership policy and that I would see the same with other dealerships at a 50 mile radius.
I’m hoping for some advice and work around options to this situation instead of having to cough up almost $4K of money for some useless crap.

I am having a hard time trying to buy a new car. The dealerships are giving me the run around asking me to come over in person for them to be able to give me a break up of the Out of the Door price. And, when I did go to a few of them and after wasting a lot of my time they shared the break up of total costs - even then they wanted me to provide a verbal assurance that I am serious about buying the car and they wouldn’t give me a copy of allow me to take a picture of the worksheet. The whole exchange seems as if like the dealership is about to commit a crime and they don’t want to leave any evidence behind. I never faced this much difficulty when I was in the market for a car the last time about 10 years ago. And, most importantly, every dealer I went to has ‘mandatory’ dealer add ons on the car such as Window Tint/Door Edge guard, platinum maintenance for 3 years, Theft recovery device, Interior and exterior protection plan etc. totaling to almost $$4000. For context this is in North Texas. I asked one dealer if there’s any way I can decline some or all of these add-ons and he told me that these are mandatory per the dealership policy and that I would see the same with other dealerships at a 50 mile radius.
I’m hoping for some advice and work around options to this situation instead of having to cough up almost $4K of money for some useless crap.

Saturday, June 01 - Friday, June 07, 2024

Top 5 Posts

score	comments	title & link
14	16 comments	[ProTip] TIL: Application.DisplayAlerts is weird!
9	8 comments	[Show & Tell] Getting the outside IP address without connecting to a 3rd party service
6	16 comments	[Unsolved] VBA SendKeys too fast/slow problem
5	13 comments	[Solved] VBA that let's me change fill color based on hexcode in cell value?
4	14 comments	[Solved] Question regarding implements & interface

 

Top 5 Comments

score	comment
9	RotianQaNWX said In VBA IsEmpty is a function that returns a boolean, not a method assigned to any particular object. Therefore you should use it as: If IsEmpty(Sheets("name").Range(testCell).value...
8	otictac35 said Hi! Look up PyAutoGui for Python. It's fairly easy to learn and I think does exactly what you want.
8	sslinky84 said You mean like perform the actions in parallel? No. VBA has no async processing. If you're talking about forty worksheets shadowing what you do in one of them, it's possible, I suppose. But is there a...
7	Day_Bow_Bow said The first answer on your linked post just needs some slight tweaks to get what you request. First, I think you need to understand the Worksheet_Change that it uses. It is added directly to the works...
7	sslinky84 said Don't use `SendKeys`. You'll spend years fiddling with it to get it right and then it'll only work most of the time. You're better off figuring out how to do it with browser automation (i...

 

Any thoughts? Good classes? Bad classes? Scheduling mistakes? Any advice is welcome.

Hey guys, I hope you are having a good day.
After walking home today, I faced an awkward 40 minutes lecture from my mom. I’m typing this in the bathroom after I came up to change and take a shower.
For context, I’m in hs (g10), and my grade is somewhat decent, especially in subjects I like, but nowhere near perfect. I have A- and As mostly.
My mom started by talking how her friend’s children got all A+ and almost all 5 on the APs. Then she went on to say how she and dad studied so much that they were top/nearly on top of their province at home when they are students (my ap grew up in the countryside, so they are poor and needed to get educated in order to get to what we are now). She talks on how proactive people are in life compared to me (she made an example by saying instead of having a teacher send me worksheet as i come to class, i should have tell them to send it to me early so i can analyze it etc)
afterward, my am rants on how i did not aim for perfect score aka A+ (which is true, i didn’t aim for that high) and how i often do stuffs and searching things on the internet that does not directly support my study, which my mom does not like. my mom also argue that doing what i like (she kinda like attacking my hobbies and saying that this time could have been used for something useful like SAT) but does not earn money is a bad thing and i should focus as much as on doing things that will let me have a good career later in life. the two example she gives on how i have no life focus is my lack of motivation for studying SAT and how it take forever for me to finish my written driver license course when it take a dedicated person just a day to finish. and she went on how she think i don’t like to learn (which is untrue, i like learning new things) and how that is going to affect me since well robots is starting to take over jobs and only the best can thrive. my am mentions how a college will accept an A+ student over an A student.
my am didnt just suddenly said this today. this went on for weeks already and i’m kinda depressed and tired by now and lost a bit of motivation to do things that i like.
i don’t know what to feel overall. i do think that i should focus on school and all more. any advise would appreciated
peace
edit: thank you guys for the support and advice!!

I've been wracking my brain on this for ages now and still can't figure it out.
This is a personal project of mine that I am creating partially for practical benefit, partially as a skills test for my Excel capabilities, and partially so I can share with family, friends, and maybe the public as a useful tool.
I'm building a custom loan amortization table so I can track various loans of mine, primarily my car loans and student loans. Both are rendered inaccurate because the PPMT, IPMT, PMT, etc. functions only account for interest accruing monthly, so my numbers are off. Here is a picture of my current spreadsheet:
The blank spreadsheet
The idea is that once i finish, the sheet will be protected so that only the values highlighted in yellow are unlocked and editable. All of the non-yellow cells use IFERROR and ISBLANK functions to ensure they remain blanked out until the data in the yellow highlighted cells is input. The table has 360 rows in total, but only the rows necessary will be filled in with numbers. For example, this is the function to denote the payment number for Payment two until the loan is paid off:

=IFERROR(IF($B10=Num_Payments,"",$B10+1),"") 

That button that says Reset Inputs is a form control button tied to a custom macro that clears the values in the yellow highlighted cells and replaces the Autopay Discount value with 0.00%. My code is here:

Sub Reset_Table() ' Clear_Inputs Macro ' This Macro clears all of the available inputs for the loan amortization table. ActiveSheet.Unprotect Range("E3:E7,H3:H7").Select Selection.ClearContents Range("E7").Value = 0 ActiveSheet.Protect End Sub 

I'm not very good at VBA coding, but I tried to make it as simple as possible.
On to the issue at hand:
I currently am using basic PMT, IPMT, PPMT, CUMIPMT, and CUMPRINC functions to calculate the actual values in the table, but as stated earlier, these are insufficient when interest is compounding daily. I have tried to make custom functions to replace these, but as said, my VBA knowledge is minimal.
My attempt at making a payment function for compounding interest is as follows:

Function COMPMT(rate, nper, pv, compounds, years) ' Calculates payments with compounding interest. COMPMT = (pv * ((1 + (rate / compounds)) ^ (years * compounds))) / nper End Function 

Within the function, the arguments are as follows:

• rate is the annual interest rate, or APR. Within this worksheet, I would reference cell H4.
• nper is the total number of payment periods for the loan.
• pv is the amount borrowed
• compounds refers to the number of times interest compounds on the loan in a given year. I've built a separate table on another worksheet that will eventually be hidden. This switches the input given in cell E6 for a numerical value that will be used in the function.
• years refers to total number of years the loan will be active for.

I've tested this function a little bit and it appears to be working, so now I need to move onto functions for Interest, Principal, Cumulative Interest, and Cumulative Principle. Under normal circumstances with a constant monthly payment, the proportion of that payment that is paid toward interest decreases over time while the proportion paid toward the principle increases over time. I am unsure of how to replicate this in my function.
Currently, I have the following for a compounding interest function:

Function COMIPMT(rate, nper, pv, compounds, years) ' This function is used to tabulate compounding interest. COMIPMT = ((pv * ((1 + (rate / compounds)) ^ (years * compounds))) - pv) / nper End Function 

As you can see, it's literally the same as the payment function, just subtracts the pv from the value before dividing it into the number of payments. This, of course, doesn't perform the ancillary function of showing the change in payment proportion like I want it to. I'm not even certain if that same phenomenon occurs when interest compounds daily, but please enlighten me.
Once I get this done, I will need to build another function to calculate the same thing for principle payments and for the cumulative payments.
I want these functions to work in a way that it can accept the number of interest compounds per year as an argument so the functions have more flexibility and can be used in broad contexts. For example, if one uses 12 as the input for the compounds argument, the output should be identical to the preexisting PMT function.
Lastly, standard Excel functions have pop-ups and dialogue boxes to help ensure we are entering inputs correctly. Is there a way to replicate this functionality within these custom functions? I often forget what order I've placed arguments in within the custom functions.

Hi, so for some context, I am an AP Student with straight As. Obviously, I put a lot of weight on school. I am currently taking AP Chemistry and just had the last test of the year on organic chemistry. My school also offers a program where a select few group of students can apply to take AP Chem but also intern at a research facility for science competitions. I applied for this program and got rejected, but a lot of my friends got in.
I was pretty sad when I didn't get in, and I tried to stay in touch with my friends but they are closer. I accepted this but still talk to them a lot. Because of this program, we usually have tests on different days but today the test dates with regular ap chemistry overlapped with the test dates of the ap chemistry program. I have been performing well all year with my lowest grade being an 89%. I was happy because I could review with my friends finally and saw they had a resource we were not provided with. I asked my friend to share it to me and she did, but she accidentally tried to share her whole notebook with me. The teacher in charge of the ap chemistry program emailed asking why she was sharing it as he would need to approve the request before I had access. We said we were just trying to study together and didnt see the big deal between sharing a couple worksheets. Turns out that worksheet was my test. I didnt even see the worksheet and had already taken the test by the everyone tse got their grases but me. My teac has not emailed me yet. I genuinely did not cheat, but clearly it looks like i did. I wasnt aware that study guide was our test and my friend was never told not to share it. Not sure what to do? Please help

Hi, so for some context, I am an AP Student with straight As. Obviously, I put a lot of weight on school. I am currently taking AP Chemistry and just had the last test of the year on organic chemistry. My school also offers a program where a select few group of students can apply to take AP Chem but also intern at a research facility for science competitions. I applied for this program and got rejected, but a lot of my friends got in.
I was pretty sad when I didn't get in, and I tried to stay in touch with my friends but they are closer. I accepted this but still talk to them a lot. Because of this program, we usually have tests on different days but today the test dates with regular ap chemistry overlapped with the test dates of the ap chemistry program. I have been performing well all year with my lowest grade being an 89%. I was happy because I could review with my friends finally and saw they had a resource we were not provided with. I asked my friend to share it to me and she did, but she accidentally tried to share her whole notebook with me. The teacher in charge of the ap chemistry program emailed asking why she was sharing it as he would need to approve the request before I had access. We said we were just trying to study together and didnt see the big deal between sharing a couple worksheets. Turns out that worksheet was my test. I didnt even see the worksheet and had already taken the test by the everyone tse got their grases but me. My teac has not emailed me yet. I genuinely did not cheat, but clearly it looks like i did. I wasnt aware that study guide was our test and my friend was never told not to share it. Not sure what to do? Please help

Hi, so for some context, I am an AP Student with straight As. Obviously, I put a lot of weight on school. I am currently taking AP Chemistry and just had the last test of the year on organic chemistry. My school also offers a program where a select few group of students can apply to take AP Chem but also intern at a research facility for science competitions. I applied for this program and got rejected, but a lot of my friends got in.
I was pretty sad when I didn't get in, and I tried to stay in touch with my friends but they are closer. I accepted this but still talk to them a lot. Because of this program, we usually have tests on different days but today the test dates with regular ap chemistry overlapped with the test dates of the ap chemistry program. I have been performing well all year with my lowest grade being an 89%. I was happy because I could review with my friends finally and saw they had a resource we were not provided with. I asked my friend to share it to me and she did, but she accidentally tried to share her whole notebook with me. The teacher in charge of the ap chemistry program emailed asking why she was sharing it as he would need to approve the request before I had access. We said we were just trying to study together and didnt see the big deal between sharing a couple worksheets. Turns out that worksheet was my test. I didnt even see the worksheet and had already taken the test by the time I saw the email. My test has been flagged and everyone else got their grades but me. My teacher has not emailed me yet. I genuinely did not cheat, but clearly it looks like i did. I wasnt aware that study guide was our test and my friend was never told not to share it. Not sure what to do? Please help

The Memory Palace technique is a fantastic tool for remembering the things you study.
The catch is that you need to have multiple Memory Palaces. Ideally, each Memory Palace should be well-formed.
If you build them or develop them as you go, you're trying to do two things at once. So make sure to read this guide in full.
Then create a bunch of Memory Palaces the optimal way before applying them to your studies.
Maximum success in remembering your studies will soon follow.
History and Origin of the Method
No one knows exactly when the Memory Palace technique first arrived on the scene – but some people sure like to argue about it.
Lynne Kelly has good work on the pre-historic origins in The Memory Code, but she'll be the first to tell you that a lot of her ideas are speculative. We just don't know exactly how the ancient people around the world came up with the concept.
When it comes to using the technique for studying in a way that basically matches our current school system, one interesting starting place is Hugh of St. Victor.
His approach to the Memory Palace technique is one of the first places you see number systems applied to historical dates, for example. A good place to red him directly in English is The Medieval Craft of Memory, edited by Mary Carruthers.
In any case, you can spend your entire life studying the history of this technique. The more merrier if you ask me as someone who loves looking at the Memory Palaces' origins.
But I also love to help people who just want learn how Memory Palaces work so you can rapidly apply them to your studies.
Benefits of Using a Memory Palace for Studying
The benefits of this ancient memory method in terms of other study techniques is easy to summarize:
The Memory Palace lets you place a lot of information in your long-term memory through a variety of active learning processes. That way, you can pass exams without stress or spending more time than necessary. More free time opens up and you enjoy a feeling confidence every time you study and sit for your tests.
For many people, there's another clear benefit:
Using the Memory Palace is much more interesting than using spaced repetition software.
But to use it optimally still involves a kind of spaced repetition. Let's look at that next.
Understanding the Memory Palace
The Memory Palace is actually not just one technique. It's at least five:

• The Memory Palace
• Alphabetical associations
• Numerical associations
• Symbol associations
• Space-Repetition system

When you combine all of these processes, brain visualization goes way up (in a manner of speaking) as does information retention.
There's a lot of science into exactly how "mental imagery" should be defined.
If you find it enjoyable and rewarding, look up the science that goes into the Memory Palace. If not, just make sure that you don't mistakenly think of the Memory Palace like Sherlock Holmes.
It's not a technique where you say, "I must go to my Mind Palace."
Far from it.
The point is to use the five systems so that information enters your long-term memory without having to think about your Memory Palaces at all.
In a way, the Memory Palace technique is like training-wheels on a bike. As soon as you're done, the mnemonics fall away. All that remains is the target information.
And that is a very beautiful thing!
Setting Up Your Memory Palace
To create your first Memory palace, choose a familiar location. Many people do better by using a building, like a home, school, church, art gallery, book store, library or the like.
You can practice visualizing the layout in detail purely in your imagination. However, I suggest you draw the location.
I'll give you some Memory Palace drawing examples in the resource section at the end of this guide.
Establishing Clear and Distinctive Locations within the Palace
The key is to make sure that every part of your Memory Palace is clear to you.
To do this, I suggest you avoid inventing locations or adding imaginary elements like pretend couches and bookcases (stunts like that come later).
The reason for this suggestion is that when learning the Memory Palace technique, most people start with very weak visualization skills. And their memory is quite rusty.
So when you use a Memory Palace, use only what you remember of a location. To add anything, even things like flying off balconies or passing ghost-like through walls gives you something you have to remembe.r
That's called a Memorized Palace and places cognitive load on any familiar location.
A true Memory Palace maximizes the power of using distinctive locations exactly the way you remember them, without elaborating anything.
Rest assured, there's plenty of opportunity to elaborate things inside of your Memory Palaces. That's what we'll discuss after going through one of the most important points of them all.
When Exactly Should You Use the Memory Palace Technique While Studying?
There are two different ways to answer this question, depending on your current level of skill and the nature of what you're memorizing.
Let me describe these two ways based on how I use the technique.
The first is to extract the information I want to memorize from books, videos, podcasts, etc. before doing ~any~ memorizing.
This is my preferred approach because it batches a few separate skills into refined activities:

• Pattern recognition for identifying key points
• Note-taking, usually using Zettelkasten
• Annotation and summarization

Only after the books have been scoured for the key points and placing these on Zettelkasten cards will I cull out the points worth memorizing and then place them in Memory Palaces.
Due to the "rhizomatic" and "magnetic" effects of the Memory Palace technique, less is usually more. And this approach leaves space for adding additional details when necessary or where desired.
The second approach is a bit more advanced, one that I normally only use when the stakes aren't particularly high. I'm talking about times when I'm reading for personal interest and come across something I want to remember.
For this approach, I'll use a 00-99 PAO to turn the page into a mini-Memory Palace based on the page number. The book in effect becomes a kind of Memory Palace unto itself.
There's more to say on this technique, so stay tuned and follow this space for future posts. The key point is that it's neither better or worse to extract information and memorize it at the same time or to separate the tasks.
But if I'm studying for an exam, I will separate the tasks because it's much more efficient and has reduced the feeling of being overwhelmed because I'm trying to do two things at once. Keep this experience in mind if you try memorizing as you read and feel similarly overwhelmed. Splitting out the activities will undoubtedly allow you to focus on encoding your info with much greater freedom and mental dexterity.
Encoding Information into the Memory Palace
The way you use a Memory Palace involves combining information with associations. Memory scientists call this step elaborative encoding.
A simple example involves how I used my brother's home recently to remember the word, enantiodromia.
I imagined Ant-Man watching Videodrome in his living room.
There's a bit more to the image than that, but the core technique was executed by paying attention to the alphabetical construction of the word and choosing images on that basis.
The sound and spelling associations of Ant-Man and Videodrome were paired with the living room.
Creating Vivid and Memorable Mnemonic Images
To encode information using vivid images, it's actually not really about images.
Instead, you're using the Memory Palace as a logical sequence to link highly multisensory images.
I prefer what I call the KAVE COGS formula.
Rather than seeing Ant-Man as such, I follow this simple formula on each and every station of the Memory Palace.
K = Kinesthetic
A = Auditory
V = Visual
E = Emotional
C = Conceptual
O = Olfactory
G = Gustatory
S = Spatial
Literally feeling what it would be like to watch a movie in the body of Ant-Man creates a physical or kinesthetic sensation. I hear the sound of the movie Videodrome in my ears while remembering it's basic look and the look of the Memory Palace.
Ant-Man has a specific attitude and emotions, so I feel those along with thinking about the concepts involved in the meaning of the target word, enantiodromia.
Finally, I smell and taste (olfactory and gustatory) where necessary. In this case, I did not, but if I needed to, I could imagine my brother bringing in a steak covered in ants to make the image much stronger in memory.
You don't have to use KAVE COGS, but most memory improvement teachers have some version of an elaboration process like this. The trick is to practice in multiple well-formed Memory Palaces.
If the Memory Palaces aren't well-formed, it can be difficult to place enough of your focus on making the associations properly.
Using the Memory Palace for Different Subjects
To use this technique for a variety of subjects, make sure to have multiple Memory Palaces.
The simplest way to set-up for the mental dexterity involved in switching between multiple topics is to have at least one Memory Palace for each letter of the alphabet. From this core Memory Palace Network, you can develop many sub-Memory Palaces.
Only scarcity-based thinking holds people back in this regard. In reality, there is more space around each and everyone of us than any of us could ever hope to use in a lifetime.
Studying for History: Dates and Events
For memorizing dates, you'll want to add a number system. The most popular is the Major System or its "big brother," the 00-99 PAO System.
Teaching this approach is its own lesson, so please see the resources at the end for more.
Studying for Science: Concepts and Theories
The trick to dealing with concepts and theories is simple:
Make sure you aren't hypnotizing yourself into thinking anything that can be worded can't be memorized.
If you can memorize one word, you can memorize thousands. Learn to do that and then, if you need to memorize longer ideas expressed in sentences, simply memorize the definition verbatim.
Often this isn't necessary. I memorized enantiodromia and the exact definition came along "free" based on other aspects I included in the living room with the core imagine. I know the author name and book title where I encountered this term as well, and none of that information needed to be encoded in the Memory Palace.
But please understand that a lot of that additional information that came along with a "less is more" approach involves studying science concepts using these techniques for many years. There is a "compound" effect because the more you study, the more concepts will snap together without any special additional steps.
Thus, it's a best practice to memorize both long verbatim definitions and practice going off of keywords alone. Soon you'll see that often memorizing just one word brings in tons of other information through the deep connection-making you've already been doing along with the power of context that comes from simply summarizing a concept in your own words.
Studying for Languages: Vocabulary and Grammar Rules
Language learning is assisted by Memory Palaces, but not achieved solely by this approach.
One way to approach things is to have your 26 Memory Palaces linked by the alphabet. Then place 10 words in each Memory Palace, i.e. ten words that start with 'A' in your 'A' Memory Palace, etc.
This starter exercise will leave you with 260 words in your target language. You can expand this number substantially by adding a sentence to most or all of the vocabulary you've established later on or during this setup process.
The exact number you'll wind up with could be in the thousands.
Again, this is not the only way to learn a language. But it helps.
To take things further, make sure that you are reading, writing, speaking and listening to the language near-daily. You will need to combine both active learning and passive learning approaches and actually use the language.
Most of my polyglot friends use Memory Palaces to some degree, but each person interprets exactly how they use them in their own way.
Review and Practice Techniques With Your Memory Palaces
The core reason to use the Memory Palace technique for studying at all is for spaced-repetition.
To do it well, you will practice a specific kind of retrieval that will strengthen your memory and usher your target information into long-term memory quickly.
Let's say you have 10 pieces of information in a Memory Palace. You want to apply equal doses of primacy effect and recency effect to each piece of information.
To do that, visit the information:

• Forward
• Backward
• From the middle of the Memory Palace to the beginning
• From the middle of the Memory Palace to the end
• Skip the stations

This process will maximize the serial-positioning effect and help you beat the forgetting curve. These are all principles named by Hermann Ebbinghaus, but they are seen as early as Aristotle's De Memoria.
Adapting and Expanding Your Memory Palace as Needed
It's possible to change Memory Palaces and extend their size.
However, if you develop them optimally in the first place, such measures should not be needed.
If you want to do so anyway, it's basically just an imaginative process. You can add paintings to Memory Palaces and then journey around within them, or connect one Memory Palace to another in ways that don't actually reflect reality.
I would only suggest that you take care around doing this because you are turning a true Memory Palace into a Memorized Palace by engaging in this kind of activity.
Dealing with Overcrowded Palaces
Overpacking your Memory Palaces is bound to happen if you're a serious user.
Having more Memory Palaces is the most direct way to prevent this from becoming an issue. It's also useful to experiment with the advice found in the older Memory Palace instruction manuals:

• Leave ample space between stations
• Explore "write" your associations into the walls (Aquinas suggests this based on the wax tablet metaphor of memory)

I usually like to "float" my associations so that they're not physically connected to the walls, the floor or the ceiling. This approach gives each association more breathing room in my experience. Your results may vary, but it's worth exploring all kinds of options.
You can also practice clearing them out if they get too packed – literally imagining a broom sweeping out your associations or something similar. But setting them up optimally in the first place is the ideal.
Keeping Images Clear and Distinct Over Time
Clear images are guaranteed when you use highly familiar figures, like Ant-Man and movies you know, etc.
Some people struggle with this principle because they don't partake in much popular culture or know many people.
The trick is to start wherever you are now and develop associations over time.
For example, if you learn the term enantiodromia, you'll discover that it's connected to Carl Jung. You can then use Carl Jung as one of your images. He is connected to a whole host of characters, and the extension of your associations can just build from there.
I know that it can be hard to feel like you have enough, but the time to get started is now. Soon, you will have an entire "paracosm" of figures to use in your Memory Palace Networks.
Should You Use The Memory Palace Technique For Studying?
The Memory Palace is a powerful mnemonic device. There's nothing quite like it for those who find the approach appealing.
I cannot stress enough that the point of the technique is to enable frequent and easy mental reviewing of your study material.
You want to use familiar locations, and whenever possible, base your Memory Palaces on locations where you study and even where you have to take your exams. I used York University when studying there precisely because that was where I was taking my exams.
This choice creates additional memory boosts based on what scientists call context dependent or state dependent memory. Your brain will feed you more details automatically thanks to this effect – or at least you give it more opportunities to do so when you base Memory Palaces on these kinds of locations.
Above all, each person needs to experiment. Ask question when necessary. Or seek further help.
If you'd like a bit more guidance, I've got four videos that take you deeper into the fundamentals of creating well-formed Memory Palaces with student examples. PDF worksheets are also included for you right here:
https://www.magneticmemorymethod.com/reddit
Enjoy your studies with well-formed Memory Palaces and shout out if you have questions any time. There's more to explore, and Memory Palaces work in combination with many other accelerated learning techniques.
The trick is to master the fundamentals first so that you enjoy smooth sailing with all the other techniques thereafter.

Hi all, i’m mainly here to vent my situation and feelings, but also after some advice on what i can do as i’m feeling so stuck - i’ll give some context in to the situation.
I’m 23, been under MH services since i was 10. i have diagnosed autism, adhd, bipolar type 2 and severe ocd. i didn’t start any therapy until 2023, not even CBT (so you can imagine how complex and severe my OCD is). i’ve had various different input over the years, from hospital admissions, crisis team, i had 3 care-coordinators/lead practitioners but had my LP/Care-Co removed in 2022 and never had one since, since 2023 i’ve been working with a psychologist who has basically taken over the roll as my LP/Care-co, we’ve done some therapy work, it’s not exactly structured therapy programme more just worksheets on mental filters, anxiety management, how thoughts work and such that i haven’t really found beneficial as i don’t know how to apply worksheets to reality, as well as im very aware my OCD isn’t logical, but that doesn’t stop the compulsions and anxiety and no anxiety techniques work because the anxiety techniques ironically become a compulsion too, particularly breathing techniques because of also having sensorimotor OCD.
this takes me up to currently - i’ve just had 3/4 weeks under the crisis team who suddenly discharged me with support plan in place last friday, leaving me all weekend with no support despite them knowing i cannot attend A&E because of my OCD and autism. my psychologist told them not to discharge me suddenly because of my autism and inability to cope with change, especially when it’s sudden. they didn’t listen to this and despite me feeling incredibly suicidal, they still went ahead and done it when i attended what i thought was just a general appt with the crisis team. they even said “we know you’re feeling worse, so it’s probably weird for you that we’re discharging you, but we feel the CMHT will know how to support you better”, this couldn’t be further from the truth, my psychologist referred me to the crisis team because i needed that help, they were supposed to do a medication review but never did, they were constantly changing my appts without warning and never followed the plan that was put in place when i was first referred to them. my psychologist no longer knows how to help me and i’m on the verge of a hospital admission which i know will only escalate the situation because hospital is not ideal for someone with autism and OCD.
My OCD contains many variations and i have multiple “subtypes”, my worst being fears of contamination. i struggle to eat because everything feels contaminated, obsessively washing my hands, putting my hands in bleach, not being able to have people in my home, struggling going outside. i also have horrific intrusive thoughts that make me have to things in sets of 4, constantly checking light switches/door handles/plug sockets, etc. i’m just completely drained and can’t see anyway out. i can’t afford private treatment and i just don’t know what else is out there that i could possibly access on the NHS? it’s clear they have no understanding of my autism too and the constant change, etc is making things even harder to cope with.
I’m based in west sussex if this helps at all with suggestions, i know there’s some national OCD treatment centres on the NHS, but i know my mh team would be very reluctant to refer me there.

The War Scroll, also known as the "War of the Sons of Light Against the Sons of Darkness," is a unique text within the Dead Sea Scrolls that portrays an apocalyptic battle between the forces of good (Sons of Light) and evil (Sons of Darkness). This scroll provides insight into both historical and symbolic elements.
Historical Accuracy:
The War Scroll, while containing detailed military tactics and an epic narrative of the ultimate confrontation, doesn't explicitly reference any specific historical event or timeframe. Some scholars believe it could be a product of the community's anticipation of a future messianic conflict or a reflection of their own community's struggles against opposing forces during their time. Interpreting the historical accuracy of the scroll often involves exploring the context of the Qumran community and the turbulent times in which they lived.
Symbolism and Esoteric Wisdom:
The War Scroll goes beyond a mere description of a physical battle. It portrays a cosmic conflict between the forces of light and darkness, reflecting not just a literal warfare but also a symbolic and spiritual struggle. The text emphasizes righteousness, divine intervention, and the victory of good over evil.
Within the study guide, activities and exercises could involve dissecting the symbolic elements present in the War Scroll, exploring the deeper meanings behind the battle tactics and the metaphysical implications of the conflict. Understanding the symbolism could involve group discussions, comparative analysis with other ancient texts with similar themes, and exploring the impact of this symbolic representation on the community's beliefs and practices.
Here are a few activities and exercises to explore the symbolism and historical context of the War Scroll from the Dead Sea Scrolls:

1. Symbolism Analysis:

Provide excerpts from the War Scroll and encourage participants to identify and discuss the symbolic meanings behind elements like the "Sons of Light" and the "Sons of Darkness," various weapons, and the strategies outlined for battle. Group discussions or written reflections can help participants explore the deeper layers of meaning.

1. Comparative Analysis:

Compare the War Scroll's themes with similar apocalyptic or eschatological texts from different cultures or religions, such as apocalyptic passages in the Book of Revelation in the Christian Bible or apocalyptic texts from other ancient traditions. Create worksheets or discussion prompts to highlight similarities and differences in themes, symbols, and beliefs about cosmic battles.

1. Historical Context Exploration:

Present historical information about the era when the Dead Sea Scrolls were written. Discuss the political, social, and religious climate of that time, including the turmoil in the region, to understand how these factors might have influenced the composition of the War Scroll. Encourage participants to consider the possible motivations behind the text's creation.

1. Creative Interpretation:

Encourage creative expression by asking participants to create artwork, poems, or short stories inspired by the themes and imagery found in the War Scroll. This exercise allows individuals to engage more deeply with the symbolic elements and interpret them in their own unique ways.

1. Role-playing or Debates:
   Organize a role-playing activity where participants take on the roles of "Sons of Light" and "Sons of Darkness," debating their ideologies, motivations, and strategies for the ultimate battle. This exercise helps in understanding differing perspectives and interpreting the conflicts presented in the scroll.
   

Interpretative variations regarding the river's crossing in different ancient texts reflect the unique religious, philosophical, and cultural perspectives embedded within these narratives. These differences in interpretation offer insights into diverse worldviews and varying theological frameworks present in ancient texts:

1. Mesopotamian Context:

• In Mesopotamian mythology and literature, the Euphrates River often held symbolic significance as a boundary between the known civilized world and the wild, unknown realms. The crossing of the Euphrates could symbolize journeys into unexplored territories or transitions between order and chaos. This perspective reflects a worldview rooted in the physical and geographical division of lands.

1. Biblical Context:

• In biblical texts, such as those in the Book of Revelation or Old Testament prophecies, the crossing of the Euphrates carries eschatological significance. It may represent a divine intervention or a decisive moment in God's plan, marking the commencement of apocalyptic events. This interpretation aligns with the biblical narrative of divine judgment and the unfolding of God's ultimate purpose in history.

1. Gnostic or Apocryphal Context:

• Gnostic or apocryphal texts often interpret the river's crossing as a symbolic liberation or awakening. It might signify the release of spiritual forces or the ascent to higher consciousness, reflecting a philosophical perspective emphasizing spiritual enlightenment and liberation from material constraints.

1. Greco-Roman Interpretation:

• In Greco-Roman literature, crossings of rivers were often associated with mythological journeys or transitions between realms. The crossing of the Euphrates might symbolize a transition from mundane existence to a realm of mystery or spiritual significance, reflecting a cultural perspective rooted in mythology and cosmology.

These varied interpretations highlight the richness and diversity of religious, philosophical, and cultural frameworks present in ancient texts. The river's crossing serves as a flexible symbol that adapts to different narratives, conveying themes of transition, judgment, liberation, or cosmic transformation based on the unique perspectives of each tradition.
Exploring these interpretative variations allows participants to appreciate the complexity of symbolism within ancient texts and provides insights into how different cultures and belief systems interpreted common motifs like the river Euphrates. It showcases the intricate interplay between religious, philosophical, and cultural elements shaping the symbolism and theological implications embedded in these narratives.
The river Euphrates, a prominent geographic feature in ancient texts, embodies universal themes that transcend specific cultural contexts. Identifying these universal themes helps reveal shared human concepts of transition, boundaries, and transformative events across diverse ancient traditions:

1. Threshold and Transition:

• The Euphrates often symbolizes a boundary between known and unknown territories. Its crossing represents a transition from one state to another, signifying a pivotal moment of change or passage. This theme of crossing a threshold echoes the human experience of transitions in life, moving from familiar to unfamiliar realms.

1. Boundary and Separation:

• As a geographical boundary, the Euphrates signifies separation between distinct territories or civilizations. This concept of demarcation resonates with universal human experiences of setting boundaries, delineating spaces, or marking divisions between different aspects of life.

1. Transformative Events:

• Crossing the Euphrates is often associated with cosmic or transformative events in ancient texts. This universal theme reflects the human fascination with the concept of epochal change, cosmic upheavals, or moments of divine intervention that reshape the course of history.

1. Symbol of Power and Control:

• The river might represent a symbol of power, control, or geopolitical significance. Crossing it could signify shifts in dominance, challenges to established authority, or the assertion of influence. This theme resonates with human narratives of power struggles and shifts in societal dynamics.

1. Metaphor for Spiritual Journeys:

• Across cultures, rivers are often used metaphorically to represent spiritual journeys or quests. The crossing of the Euphrates might symbolize the pursuit of enlightenment, the passage to higher realms of understanding, or the quest for spiritual transformation.

These universal themes associated with the river Euphrates highlight fundamental aspects of the human experience—transitions, boundaries, transformative events, power dynamics, and spiritual journeys. The river's symbolism in ancient texts speaks to shared human aspirations, struggles, and beliefs that transcend cultural boundaries and resonate across different epochs and civilizations.
By identifying and discussing these universal themes, participants gain a deeper appreciation for the profound symbolism embedded in ancient texts and recognize the timeless relevance of concepts such as transition, boundaries, and transformative events in shaping human narratives and aspirations.

1. Historical Context:

• What historical events or societal conditions might have influenced the composition of the War Scroll?
  
• How does the historical context of the Dead Sea Scrolls' discovery contribute to our understanding of this text's significance?
  

1. Symbolism and Esoteric Wisdom:

• How does the War Scroll use symbolism to convey spiritual or cosmic themes?
  
• What esoteric wisdom or deeper spiritual insights can be derived from the portrayal of cosmic conflict and divine intervention within the text?
  

1. Comparative Analysis:

• Compare the themes and symbolism of the War Scroll with other apocalyptic texts from different cultures (e.g., Book of Revelation, The Book of Daniel). What common motifs or differences in interpretation do you observe?

1. Parallelism in Biblical Texts:

• Explore connections between the War Scroll and other biblical texts. How does the language, imagery, or themes in the War Scroll intersect with passages from the Hebrew Bible or New Testament?

1. Community Beliefs and Practices:

• How might the apocalyptic expectations depicted in the War Scroll have influenced the beliefs and practices of the community that produced it?
  
• Discuss the impact of such intense anticipation of cosmic conflict on communal life and religious rituals within the community.
  

1. Cultural Significance of Cosmic Battles:

• Across various ancient cultures, why do you think depictions of cosmic battles and eschatological events were significant? What might these narratives represent in a broader cultural context?

1. Interpretive Variations and Unique Perspectives:

• Explore the diverse interpretations of specific passages or symbols within the War Scroll. How do different scholars or traditions interpret these elements, and what underlying factors might influence their interpretations?

1. Personal Reflection and Modern Relevance:

• Reflect on how the themes of cosmic conflict, righteousness, and spiritual warfare in the War Scroll might resonate in contemporary society or personal belief systems.

1. Theological and Philosophical Implications:

• Discuss the theological and philosophical implications of a cosmic battle between forces of light and darkness. How does this theme intersect with broader philosophical inquiries or theological doctrines?

1. Literary and Symbolic Analysis:

- Analyze the narrative structure and symbolic elements present in specific passages of the War Scroll. How do these elements contribute to the text's overarching themes and meanings? 

These study questions aim to provoke critical thinking, promote in-depth exploration of themes, encourage comparative analysis, and stimulate discussions on the multifaceted nature of the War Scroll's content and its significance within ancient and contemporary contexts.

1. Archaeological and Linguistic Analysis:

- How does the physical condition of the Dead Sea Scrolls, including the War Scroll, impact our understanding of their preservation and historical context? - Discuss the linguistic peculiarities or unique textual features found within the War Scroll and their implications for translation and interpretation. 

1. Apocalyptic Expectations and Messianic Concepts:

- Explore the portrayal of messianic figures or anticipated saviors within the War Scroll. How do these concepts align with or diverge from contemporary expectations of a messianic figure in other ancient texts or religious traditions? 

1. Impact of Apocalyptic Literature:

- Analyze the enduring influence of apocalyptic literature, such as the War Scroll, on subsequent religious, literary, or cultural traditions. How have these texts shaped later beliefs or inspired artistic and literary works? 

1. Ethical and Moral Frameworks:

- Discuss the ethical or moral implications of the cosmic conflict depicted in the War Scroll. How do the themes of righteousness and wickedness contribute to the text's underlying moral framework? 

1. Role of Prophecy and Revelation:

- Explore the role of prophecy and revelation within the War Scroll. How do the prophetic elements contribute to the text's portrayal of future events and cosmic justice? 

1. Experiential and Ritualistic Elements:

- Investigate potential ritualistic or experiential dimensions associated with the teachings or beliefs conveyed in the War Scroll. How might the community have engaged with these teachings in their religious practices or communal activities? 

1. Literary Genre and Interpretation:

- Discuss the classification of the War Scroll within the broader genre of apocalyptic literature. How does its classification influence our understanding and interpretation of its themes and symbolic elements? 

1. Relevance in Modern Scholarship:

- Reflect on the ongoing scholarly debates or discoveries related to the War Scroll. How have modern interpretations evolved, and what implications do these new perspectives have on our understanding of the text? 

1. Intersection of Faith and Scholarship:

- Consider the interplay between faith-based interpretations and scholarly analyses of the War Scroll. How might religious convictions or theological frameworks influence academic research and vice versa? 

1. Future Research and Interpretative Avenues:

- Propose potential avenues for future research or areas of exploration concerning the War Scroll. What unanswered questions or unexplored aspects merit further investigation? 

The composition of the War Scroll, along with other Dead Sea Scrolls, was likely influenced by several historical events and societal conditions prevalent during the time of its writing, which is estimated to be between the 2nd century BCE and the 1st century CE:

1. Hellenistic Rule and Cultural Influence:

• The region where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found was under Hellenistic influence due to the conquests of Alexander the Great and the subsequent control by the Seleucid Empire. This era saw a clash between Hellenistic culture and Jewish traditions, leading to cultural tensions and a desire to preserve religious and cultural heritage.

1. Political Turmoil and Resistance Movements:

• The Jewish people experienced political unrest, particularly during the Maccabean Revolt against Seleucid rule. This period was characterized by resistance movements, attempts to preserve Jewish identity, and fervent anticipation of a messianic figure to deliver them from foreign oppression.

1. Religious Sects and Spiritual Expectations:

• Various religious sects existed within Judaism, each with its own interpretations and expectations of messianic redemption, purity laws, and theological doctrines. The community associated with the Dead Sea Scrolls, often believed to be the Essenes, likely had distinctive theological beliefs and a strong apocalyptic worldview.

1. Anticipation of Cosmic Redemption:

• There was a widespread belief in the imminent arrival of a messianic figure or a divine intervention that would bring about cosmic redemption, ushering in an era of righteousness and divine rule. This anticipation of apocalyptic events and a cosmic battle between forces of light and darkness is reflected in the War Scroll's themes.

Regarding the historical context of the Dead Sea Scrolls' discovery, its significance lies in multiple facets:

1. Preservation of Ancient Texts:

• The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls, including the War Scroll, provided an invaluable collection of ancient manuscripts that significantly expanded our understanding of ancient Jewish texts, religious beliefs, and the diversity of Jewish thought during the Second Temple period.

1. Insights into Jewish Sectarianism:

• The scrolls shed light on the diversity of beliefs and practices among Jewish sects during that time. Understanding the beliefs and expectations of the community associated with the Dead Sea Scrolls helps contextualize the theological and apocalyptic themes present in the War Scroll.

1. Confirmation of Scriptural Accuracy:

• The Dead Sea Scrolls' discovery contributed to confirming the accuracy and preservation of certain biblical texts, highlighting the continuity of textual transmission across centuries and supporting the authenticity of biblical manuscripts.

1. Impact on Biblical Studies and Scholarship:

• The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls revolutionized biblical studies, providing scholars with invaluable primary sources for studying ancient Judaism, the development of biblical texts, and the context in which these texts were composed.

The historical context of political upheaval, religious expectations, and the preservation of texts within the Dead Sea Scrolls contributes significantly to understanding the milieu in which the War Scroll was written. It provides a backdrop against which the themes of cosmic conflict, eschatological anticipation, and religious fervor within the War Scroll can be comprehended.

Using Office 16 Excel on Windows 11. Size of workbook is 431kb (Microsoft Excel Worksheet) and now 292kb (Microsoft Excel Binary Worksheet).
I'm looking for a way to make my Excel spreadsheet more manageable, as I keep having the "calculating (8 threads) x%" issue which creates a lot of lag, and often results in either Excel crashing or my computer requiring a restart. I suspect the issue is either the semi-large dataset or large number of calculations using processing intensive formulas which aren't optimised.
Other posts I've seen have asked for more information, so I'll give a bit of context. I work in finance for a large company with c200 divisions/sub-units. Each division has its own planned profit/loss for each month in the year, as well as its own planned cash for each month in the year.
I have two tabs in a spreadsheet . The first where I'm looking to centralise the information taken from an Excel extract of our ERP (with columns for division name, division code, month 1 through month 12 for planned profit/loss and month 1 through month 12 for cash). The second where I have the Excel extract from our ERP with c5600 lines of raw information that we are looking to summarise.
The formula I am using for the planned profit/loss is an embedded IF and XLOOKUP, the first part of which is =IF(XLOOKUP(B8&$G$7&$AN$6,'Data'!$D:$D&another column%another column...) The references will slightly change for each month because of the ERP codes, but they're essentially the same (i.e. looking up PLANM01 for month 1, PLANM02 for month 2, etc.).
The formula I am using for the planned cash is a SUMIFS statement, and again looking up to entire columns.
I've tried converting the Excel into a binary spreadsheet (which appeared to work for another Excel we have which has an even larger dataset with more calculations, and using pretty much the same formulas). I've read from Reddit and online that it may be to do with the entire column reference or that the formulas are intensive and there's a more efficient way to do it.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and similarly I can provide more information if helpful.

The War Scroll, also known as the "War of the Sons of Light Against the Sons of Darkness," is a unique text within the Dead Sea Scrolls that portrays an apocalyptic battle between the forces of good (Sons of Light) and evil (Sons of Darkness). This scroll provides insight into both historical and symbolic elements.
Historical Accuracy:
The War Scroll, while containing detailed military tactics and an epic narrative of the ultimate confrontation, doesn't explicitly reference any specific historical event or timeframe. Some scholars believe it could be a product of the community's anticipation of a future messianic conflict or a reflection of their own community's struggles against opposing forces during their time. Interpreting the historical accuracy of the scroll often involves exploring the context of the Qumran community and the turbulent times in which they lived.
Symbolism and Esoteric Wisdom:
The War Scroll goes beyond a mere description of a physical battle. It portrays a cosmic conflict between the forces of light and darkness, reflecting not just a literal warfare but also a symbolic and spiritual struggle. The text emphasizes righteousness, divine intervention, and the victory of good over evil.
Within the study guide, activities and exercises could involve dissecting the symbolic elements present in the War Scroll, exploring the deeper meanings behind the battle tactics and the metaphysical implications of the conflict. Understanding the symbolism could involve group discussions, comparative analysis with other ancient texts with similar themes, and exploring the impact of this symbolic representation on the community's beliefs and practices.
Here are a few activities and exercises to explore the symbolism and historical context of the War Scroll from the Dead Sea Scrolls:

1. Symbolism Analysis:

Provide excerpts from the War Scroll and encourage participants to identify and discuss the symbolic meanings behind elements like the "Sons of Light" and the "Sons of Darkness," various weapons, and the strategies outlined for battle. Group discussions or written reflections can help participants explore the deeper layers of meaning.

1. Comparative Analysis:

Compare the War Scroll's themes with similar apocalyptic or eschatological texts from different cultures or religions, such as apocalyptic passages in the Book of Revelation in the Christian Bible or apocalyptic texts from other ancient traditions. Create worksheets or discussion prompts to highlight similarities and differences in themes, symbols, and beliefs about cosmic battles.

1. Historical Context Exploration:

Present historical information about the era when the Dead Sea Scrolls were written. Discuss the political, social, and religious climate of that time, including the turmoil in the region, to understand how these factors might have influenced the composition of the War Scroll. Encourage participants to consider the possible motivations behind the text's creation.

1. Creative Interpretation:

Encourage creative expression by asking participants to create artwork, poems, or short stories inspired by the themes and imagery found in the War Scroll. This exercise allows individuals to engage more deeply with the symbolic elements and interpret them in their own unique ways.

1. Role-playing or Debates:
   Organize a role-playing activity where participants take on the roles of "Sons of Light" and "Sons of Darkness," debating their ideologies, motivations, and strategies for the ultimate battle. This exercise helps in understanding differing perspectives and interpreting the conflicts presented in the scroll.
   

Interpretative variations regarding the river's crossing in different ancient texts reflect the unique religious, philosophical, and cultural perspectives embedded within these narratives. These differences in interpretation offer insights into diverse worldviews and varying theological frameworks present in ancient texts:

1. Mesopotamian Context:

• In Mesopotamian mythology and literature, the Euphrates River often held symbolic significance as a boundary between the known civilized world and the wild, unknown realms. The crossing of the Euphrates could symbolize journeys into unexplored territories or transitions between order and chaos. This perspective reflects a worldview rooted in the physical and geographical division of lands.

1. Biblical Context:

• In biblical texts, such as those in the Book of Revelation or Old Testament prophecies, the crossing of the Euphrates carries eschatological significance. It may represent a divine intervention or a decisive moment in God's plan, marking the commencement of apocalyptic events. This interpretation aligns with the biblical narrative of divine judgment and the unfolding of God's ultimate purpose in history.

1. Gnostic or Apocryphal Context:

• Gnostic or apocryphal texts often interpret the river's crossing as a symbolic liberation or awakening. It might signify the release of spiritual forces or the ascent to higher consciousness, reflecting a philosophical perspective emphasizing spiritual enlightenment and liberation from material constraints.

1. Greco-Roman Interpretation:

• In Greco-Roman literature, crossings of rivers were often associated with mythological journeys or transitions between realms. The crossing of the Euphrates might symbolize a transition from mundane existence to a realm of mystery or spiritual significance, reflecting a cultural perspective rooted in mythology and cosmology.

These varied interpretations highlight the richness and diversity of religious, philosophical, and cultural frameworks present in ancient texts. The river's crossing serves as a flexible symbol that adapts to different narratives, conveying themes of transition, judgment, liberation, or cosmic transformation based on the unique perspectives of each tradition.
Exploring these interpretative variations allows participants to appreciate the complexity of symbolism within ancient texts and provides insights into how different cultures and belief systems interpreted common motifs like the river Euphrates. It showcases the intricate interplay between religious, philosophical, and cultural elements shaping the symbolism and theological implications embedded in these narratives.
The river Euphrates, a prominent geographic feature in ancient texts, embodies universal themes that transcend specific cultural contexts. Identifying these universal themes helps reveal shared human concepts of transition, boundaries, and transformative events across diverse ancient traditions:

1. Threshold and Transition:

• The Euphrates often symbolizes a boundary between known and unknown territories. Its crossing represents a transition from one state to another, signifying a pivotal moment of change or passage. This theme of crossing a threshold echoes the human experience of transitions in life, moving from familiar to unfamiliar realms.

1. Boundary and Separation:

• As a geographical boundary, the Euphrates signifies separation between distinct territories or civilizations. This concept of demarcation resonates with universal human experiences of setting boundaries, delineating spaces, or marking divisions between different aspects of life.

1. Transformative Events:

• Crossing the Euphrates is often associated with cosmic or transformative events in ancient texts. This universal theme reflects the human fascination with the concept of epochal change, cosmic upheavals, or moments of divine intervention that reshape the course of history.

1. Symbol of Power and Control:

• The river might represent a symbol of power, control, or geopolitical significance. Crossing it could signify shifts in dominance, challenges to established authority, or the assertion of influence. This theme resonates with human narratives of power struggles and shifts in societal dynamics.

1. Metaphor for Spiritual Journeys:

• Across cultures, rivers are often used metaphorically to represent spiritual journeys or quests. The crossing of the Euphrates might symbolize the pursuit of enlightenment, the passage to higher realms of understanding, or the quest for spiritual transformation.

These universal themes associated with the river Euphrates highlight fundamental aspects of the human experience—transitions, boundaries, transformative events, power dynamics, and spiritual journeys. The river's symbolism in ancient texts speaks to shared human aspirations, struggles, and beliefs that transcend cultural boundaries and resonate across different epochs and civilizations.
By identifying and discussing these universal themes, participants gain a deeper appreciation for the profound symbolism embedded in ancient texts and recognize the timeless relevance of concepts such as transition, boundaries, and transformative events in shaping human narratives and aspirations.

1. Historical Context:

• What historical events or societal conditions might have influenced the composition of the War Scroll?
  
• How does the historical context of the Dead Sea Scrolls' discovery contribute to our understanding of this text's significance?
  

1. Symbolism and Esoteric Wisdom:

• How does the War Scroll use symbolism to convey spiritual or cosmic themes?
  
• What esoteric wisdom or deeper spiritual insights can be derived from the portrayal of cosmic conflict and divine intervention within the text?
  

1. Comparative Analysis:

• Compare the themes and symbolism of the War Scroll with other apocalyptic texts from different cultures (e.g., Book of Revelation, The Book of Daniel). What common motifs or differences in interpretation do you observe?

1. Parallelism in Biblical Texts:

• Explore connections between the War Scroll and other biblical texts. How does the language, imagery, or themes in the War Scroll intersect with passages from the Hebrew Bible or New Testament?

1. Community Beliefs and Practices:

• How might the apocalyptic expectations depicted in the War Scroll have influenced the beliefs and practices of the community that produced it?
  
• Discuss the impact of such intense anticipation of cosmic conflict on communal life and religious rituals within the community.
  

1. Cultural Significance of Cosmic Battles:

• Across various ancient cultures, why do you think depictions of cosmic battles and eschatological events were significant? What might these narratives represent in a broader cultural context?

1. Interpretive Variations and Unique Perspectives:

• Explore the diverse interpretations of specific passages or symbols within the War Scroll. How do different scholars or traditions interpret these elements, and what underlying factors might influence their interpretations?

1. Personal Reflection and Modern Relevance:

• Reflect on how the themes of cosmic conflict, righteousness, and spiritual warfare in the War Scroll might resonate in contemporary society or personal belief systems.

1. Theological and Philosophical Implications:

• Discuss the theological and philosophical implications of a cosmic battle between forces of light and darkness. How does this theme intersect with broader philosophical inquiries or theological doctrines?

1. Literary and Symbolic Analysis:

- Analyze the narrative structure and symbolic elements present in specific passages of the War Scroll. How do these elements contribute to the text's overarching themes and meanings? 

These study questions aim to provoke critical thinking, promote in-depth exploration of themes, encourage comparative analysis, and stimulate discussions on the multifaceted nature of the War Scroll's content and its significance within ancient and contemporary contexts.

1. Archaeological and Linguistic Analysis:

- How does the physical condition of the Dead Sea Scrolls, including the War Scroll, impact our understanding of their preservation and historical context? - Discuss the linguistic peculiarities or unique textual features found within the War Scroll and their implications for translation and interpretation. 

1. Apocalyptic Expectations and Messianic Concepts:

- Explore the portrayal of messianic figures or anticipated saviors within the War Scroll. How do these concepts align with or diverge from contemporary expectations of a messianic figure in other ancient texts or religious traditions? 

1. Impact of Apocalyptic Literature:

- Analyze the enduring influence of apocalyptic literature, such as the War Scroll, on subsequent religious, literary, or cultural traditions. How have these texts shaped later beliefs or inspired artistic and literary works? 

1. Ethical and Moral Frameworks:

- Discuss the ethical or moral implications of the cosmic conflict depicted in the War Scroll. How do the themes of righteousness and wickedness contribute to the text's underlying moral framework? 

1. Role of Prophecy and Revelation:

- Explore the role of prophecy and revelation within the War Scroll. How do the prophetic elements contribute to the text's portrayal of future events and cosmic justice? 

1. Experiential and Ritualistic Elements:

- Investigate potential ritualistic or experiential dimensions associated with the teachings or beliefs conveyed in the War Scroll. How might the community have engaged with these teachings in their religious practices or communal activities? 

1. Literary Genre and Interpretation:

- Discuss the classification of the War Scroll within the broader genre of apocalyptic literature. How does its classification influence our understanding and interpretation of its themes and symbolic elements? 

1. Relevance in Modern Scholarship:

- Reflect on the ongoing scholarly debates or discoveries related to the War Scroll. How have modern interpretations evolved, and what implications do these new perspectives have on our understanding of the text? 

1. Intersection of Faith and Scholarship:

- Consider the interplay between faith-based interpretations and scholarly analyses of the War Scroll. How might religious convictions or theological frameworks influence academic research and vice versa? 

1. Future Research and Interpretative Avenues:

- Propose potential avenues for future research or areas of exploration concerning the War Scroll. What unanswered questions or unexplored aspects merit further investigation? 

The composition of the War Scroll, along with other Dead Sea Scrolls, was likely influenced by several historical events and societal conditions prevalent during the time of its writing, which is estimated to be between the 2nd century BCE and the 1st century CE:

1. Hellenistic Rule and Cultural Influence:

• The region where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found was under Hellenistic influence due to the conquests of Alexander the Great and the subsequent control by the Seleucid Empire. This era saw a clash between Hellenistic culture and Jewish traditions, leading to cultural tensions and a desire to preserve religious and cultural heritage.

1. Political Turmoil and Resistance Movements:

• The Jewish people experienced political unrest, particularly during the Maccabean Revolt against Seleucid rule. This period was characterized by resistance movements, attempts to preserve Jewish identity, and fervent anticipation of a messianic figure to deliver them from foreign oppression.

1. Religious Sects and Spiritual Expectations:

• Various religious sects existed within Judaism, each with its own interpretations and expectations of messianic redemption, purity laws, and theological doctrines. The community associated with the Dead Sea Scrolls, often believed to be the Essenes, likely had distinctive theological beliefs and a strong apocalyptic worldview.

1. Anticipation of Cosmic Redemption:

• There was a widespread belief in the imminent arrival of a messianic figure or a divine intervention that would bring about cosmic redemption, ushering in an era of righteousness and divine rule. This anticipation of apocalyptic events and a cosmic battle between forces of light and darkness is reflected in the War Scroll's themes.

Regarding the historical context of the Dead Sea Scrolls' discovery, its significance lies in multiple facets:

1. Preservation of Ancient Texts:

• The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls, including the War Scroll, provided an invaluable collection of ancient manuscripts that significantly expanded our understanding of ancient Jewish texts, religious beliefs, and the diversity of Jewish thought during the Second Temple period.

1. Insights into Jewish Sectarianism:

• The scrolls shed light on the diversity of beliefs and practices among Jewish sects during that time. Understanding the beliefs and expectations of the community associated with the Dead Sea Scrolls helps contextualize the theological and apocalyptic themes present in the War Scroll.

1. Confirmation of Scriptural Accuracy:

• The Dead Sea Scrolls' discovery contributed to confirming the accuracy and preservation of certain biblical texts, highlighting the continuity of textual transmission across centuries and supporting the authenticity of biblical manuscripts.

1. Impact on Biblical Studies and Scholarship:

• The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls revolutionized biblical studies, providing scholars with invaluable primary sources for studying ancient Judaism, the development of biblical texts, and the context in which these texts were composed.

The historical context of political upheaval, religious expectations, and the preservation of texts within the Dead Sea Scrolls contributes significantly to understanding the milieu in which the War Scroll was written. It provides a backdrop against which the themes of cosmic conflict, eschatological anticipation, and religious fervor within the War Scroll can be comprehended.

God seems to be teaching me much about Narcissism in general and especially at work at the moment and over the last few months.
I had a dream that I recorded on
(A nightmare about helplessness: Putting out worksheets on classroom tables, getting ready. ) - I’m a teacher in waking life to explain the work context (A tall man appears starts questioning me, berating me a little - something to do with being a Christian I say “Being a Christian is a protected characteristic “ Referring to protected characteristics at work. Kept approaching me and I knew he would attack me against my will and shouted for several times for help Then woke up )
Potentially a scary dream but didn’t feel scared, just ‘aware’ and analysing this - more like for warning but it did precede a couple of months ago of narcissistic abuse cycle from a boss going along with the usual ‘love bombing’, idealisation, devaluing and discard’ (blessedly I’m a contractor so could move onto another work environment) It was just interesting that this dream seemed to warm of what this ‘talk man’ would do - but in a psychological rather than physical way

(tldr towards the end)
  Recently I've been thinking I shouald be more open about my life and what I've been through. I know it's not nearly as bad as the abuses some have endured, but it's left me rather messed up in it's own way. It's a bunch of stuff I've barely ever shared with people, certainly never laid out in full like this before. Originally planned on only sharing this with a few close people, but at some point I started thinking it might be better to fully open up and just sorta dump my whole ass life story somewhere public? And this seemed as suitable a place as any?
Despite trying to keep it down to what felt like the most critical details, it somehow ended up becoming far, far longer than expected or planned. Long enough that I don't really expect anyone here to actually bother reading it. But whatever, I'm largely posting it for my own sake at this point.
  I am legally blind and also on the autistic spectrum. I'd ask that you don't pay too much mind to the autism part though. It's not that I have any problem with the way I am per se, but more than anything I wish I'd never been diagnosed with it.
I'm put in mind of the old Rosenhan experiment, where a handful of regular people falsely claimed to have hallucinations and got sent as patients to psychiatric hospitals. Despite acting completely normal once admitted, they were never able to be recognised as the mentally healthy people they were. The mental health system has improved drastically since then. However, at least in my experience, the way a diagnosis can stick to a person and significantly change of how some people will view and interact with that person is still very much a thing. Even if that diagnosis is accurate, this treatment can still be a problem.
  It started being a thing in primary school. Spent some of my time in a special classroom alongside a few other kids who... probably needed the support a lot more than I did. I admittedly did have some behaviour problems back then, but I'm pretty sure I was doing fine on learning. I remember not enjoying that I had to go to that class, nor liking the people running it, but I don't think my feelings about it were particularly strong back then.
Then middle school came and I think things were actually pretty good and normal at first. There were still various special needs workers and the like who'd sometimes come in to observe me in class, or pull me away for some one on one time with them or whatever. I was growing increasingly unfond of this sort of thing, but compared to before, most of my days were just regular student stuff. But over time I started acting out and getting stressed and things only got worse from there. I believe it started with there being a rule about students having to spend the entire lunch break outside if the weather was good. I have issues with light sensitivity and was not okay with this. Eventually I started refusing to go outside during lunch entirely. The teachers weren't okay with this and tensions rose (In hindsight, I really should've had sunglasses back then. No idea why I didn't)
I don't remember the exact reason, but at some point I got real stubborn and refused to do any work during class. Tensions rose more.
  This all led to me having to start seeing a psychiatrist, though that wasn't very constructive. There's two strong memories I have of him. One is of me and him sitting silently in a room where I was expected to be speaking but for whatever reason wasn't. The other is of him and mum talking about school stuff while I sat there listening, I'd sometimes speak up to try clarify or give context to stuff mum was saying but he'd insist I kept quiet or I'd have to leave the room.
He'd also have some one on one talks with mum while I waited outside. I only know what I've heard from mum talking about it many years later, and she has a tendency to exaggerate or embellish this kind of thing, so take this with a lump of salt. Supposedly he talked to her about how he was going to break me and then the real progress can begin. Then later, when that didn't work, he'd tell her I was the worst kid he'd ever dealt with and was untreatable. Though, again, no idea how true any of that is...
  So progress wasn't happening there, and things at school weren't getting better.
Somewhere along the line one of my special needs people, a visual resource worker who I'm sure was in no way qualified to make this kind of call, got the idea that I was depressed. So she started pushing to get me put on antidepressants. And I guess my psych was over having to deal with me at that point as he seemed to just go with it? And I was just a kid, so when I was told I needed to start taking a pill before school, I just did it without giving it any real thought.
Thing is, I wasn't depressed. I was stressed, angry, and full of anger related adrenalin. The pills did nothing to help any of those things. What they did do was mess with my ability to stay in control of all that. So the anger I'd been keeping bottled up started getting expressed. Physically. I'd often lash out against whoever was getting to me in that moment, which was typically teachers and staff but... not always.
I don't really like thinking about that time much. Don't like what I was. Obviously I put a lot of blame on the meds for messing me up so bad. But the anger itself is just something that's a part of me. As, I fear, is the way I lean towards getting physical when that anger becomes too much. It's something I've been sure to stay keenly aware of ever since.
To their arguable credit, the school did put up with me far longer than it had any right to. But their way of dealing with me wasn't exactly constructive. I don't really remember that time period super well tbh, but a few scattered memories that stand out are: A member of staff lifting me by the collar and holding me against a wall, two staff members dragging me home with one of them digging their fingernails into my hand hard enough it left two small scars (fully faded after a few years), a teacher holding me down over a desk forcing me to look at a piece of paper, and an already tense moment with me on the verge while a staff member was confrontationally saying something to the effect of "you shaking like that doesn't scare me". And then basically every clear weather day saw me being physically dragged by two or three staff members from the school building to the office building. Dragged right through the courtyard where all the other students were sitting for lunch. To be clear, this isn't me trying to play the victim per se, I really was quite bad back then. But, like, this started with me being stressed and angry at people. So I think you can probably see how things only compounded on themselves from there, each side constantly having a harder time and only making it harder for the other in turn.
  So yeah, eventually I got kicked out. Finally stopped taking the pills and only then did I become aware of just how much of an effect they'd been having on me, far too late for it to mean anything. Spent the next few months doing nothing but sitting at home playing computer games or whatever. Meanwhile the, uh, whatever places my various special needs workers come from, along with whatever other vague powers there are that get to decide the major life decisions for people like me, they were all trying to figure out where I should go from there.
  The answer was two years at a boarding school. A special boarding school meant specifically for kids with mental disabilities and learning difficulties.
It was not a good place for me.
(something I only just recently learned looking through some of the old papers my mum kept. Apparently some people thought I had a "fear of failure", and so sending me to a place where I would "perceive myself to be better than my peers" was expected to be good for me?? Perhaps it's that I'm still processing. I feel like I should be really upset to learn this, but for now I'm just too baffled)
  It's weird. Thinking back, this definitely feels like the darkest part of my life, as well as the part that's had the largest lasting impact on me. But when it comes to talking about it? It feels like there's rather little to say? (As I'm thinking about it, writing this out, I'm also finding I've forgotten a lot more of the details than I'd expected)
  To put things in some perspective, I'd learned to read before starting school. In primary school I was always in the top reading group of the class. Boarding school? I was one of the very few kids there who knew how to read at all (ages ranging for pre-teen to late teen). Then there was the boredom. I did have a few books and a gameboy, but that can only occupy a person so much. I ended up spending a lot of time literally just sitting around waiting for time to pass. Would go to the toilet at the slightest need just to fill in a few minutes.
But worst of all was the people. The kids there were... not people I'd think of as peers. Not really people I wanted to have as the entirety of my social experience. (though, spend enough time stuck with nothing but a certain group...) And then the adults were "friendly" but would often talk down to me or interact with me in ways I'd consider far more insulting than something like "the R word". Didn't matter that I was well behaved, properly educated, and unmedicated. I was a kid who had been sent there, so they saw and treated me the same as any other.
  Overall I think if I compared my experience there to being like a mentally healthy person being falsely committed to a mental institute? That maybe wouldn't be an entirely fair comparison, but I don't think it's an entirely wrong one either. I did not belong there.
  As for the school side of things... the principal had a talk with me early on where I made it clear just how much I didn't want to be there and would much rather be going to a normal school. He told me that was an option. That there were kids here who got to go to the local schools instead of the classes here. I expressed interest, but I was still new there and he wasn't willing to trust me right off the bat. Since It was getting close to the end of the school year, and I was due to start high school the year after, the deal was that if I could prove I could behave and be non-disruptive in class for the rest of the year I'd get to go to the local high school at the start of the next. This was of course a very easy goal to reach, now that I didn't have the meds messing me up. The deal didn't actually require me to do any of the work in class, and the work the class was doing was frankly so far beneath me that it was less mind numbing to just sit back and let my thoughts wander. So class became even more of me sitting around waiting for time to pass. Dull, but at least now I had something to look forward to!
As the time to start at the high school got near, the principal and I had more talks about how things were going to work. It was only here that I realised there'd been a miscommunication. All the boarding school kids that went to the high school all went into the same class, with a teacher who worked for the boarding school. Attending normal classes like I'd spent months looking forward to was simply not an option. Though he did make sure to stress how great this particular teacher was. Been working there for however many years and he'd never had a single student complain about her. In hindsight I probably should've taken that as more of a red flag.
She felt less like a teacher and more like a babysitter. I mentioned that the previous classes weren't suited for me, but at least there I could see the other students being challenged and learning stuff. Here? There was the occasional moment where a student would ask question and have something explained, but the bulk of the time it felt like they were just being kept busy with a level of work they were already confident in. It's extremely rude to say, but I'm honestly not sure she was even smart enough to be working as a teacher. The work I was given was still beneath me, but I started out doing it anyway out of some hope that I'd be given harder stuff if I proved I was capable. As time went on I came to realise just how pointless that hope was. So after a few months I once again I stopped doing any of the work. It was demeaning. And so sitting in class doing nothing became the entire rest of my school year.
Oh, but there was one very special moment in the later part of the year! The teacher gave me a book to look at. A teacher book of worksheets that could be photocopied and handed out. She told me it was all stuff for my level. That I could take a look through it and if anything interested me she'd make a copy for me to do. And did I mention this was the exact same work everyone else my age was doing? Because she made sure to assure me of that at least two or three times. So I opened to a random page and had a look, then immediately started searching the book to see who it was actually meant for. Sure enough it wasn't meant for high school students, or even middle school students. Primary. Mid-late primary aged students with learning disabilities. I'd expected little, but wow!
  Of course, this boarding school was never intended to be more than a two year thing, so the powers that be still had to decide what I'd do when I got out. And... it was decided that I'd get to go back into high school back home. The catholic one, so it'd be a fresh start away from all the students who knew me from the mess at middle school. And I'd be attending regular classes as a regular student, for real this time. I'd also be starting at the start of the school year which, with the way the timing of things worked out, meant getting about half a year cut off from the two year stint. Great news all around! It did mean starting the first year of high school over again, since the boarding school never even tried teaching me anything at the proper level, so I'd be a year older than the rest of kids in my classes, but whatever. (though why this all couldn't have just happened a year earlier I'll never know. No idea what was going on behind the scenes with the people making these decisions, but on my end the whole boarding school thing felt like nothing but a huge waste of time with a bunch of added mental trauma on the side)
  So I once again had something to look forward to. A fresh start as a normal student!? The one thing I'd been wanting so deeply since I got kicked out of middle school? I got pretty emotionally invested in the idea, and it really helped carry me through the however many months left of boarding school I still had to get through first.
  Stupid.
Naive.
Should've known better.
Would've known better if I'd let myself think about it for even a moment.
  As much as things had been especially bad the past few years, things had stopped being good and normal for me since long before that. Of course I'd still be getting judged and defined by labels by adults who hadn't even met me. Of course I'd still have to deal with them treating me different than everyone else. Of course it would be worse than before now that a special needs school was part of my history.
There was the usual stuff of course. Being talked down do or having basic stuff extremely overexplained to me. Getting specifically told what an amazingly super good job I was doing when I followed instructions exactly the same as everyone else in class was doing. Same sort of thing any time I did well on a test, only then it was with multiple teachers throughout the day. Doing the best in class was even worse. One teacher I even learned to recognise when they were about to start speaking to me because of a noticeable hesitation they'd have. Every time. Only for me. There was one time where a teacher, without asking, decided to be helpful and go through and organise everything in my bag for me. Middle of class, in front of everyone. And even weird stuff like one teacher who'd hand out worksheets and would always hand one to me last. No matter where I was sitting they'd somehow manage to path around the room in a way that made me last. Exactly the same sheet as everyone else. Not sure they even realised they were doing it. Like, wat? How do I even parse behaviour like that?
And one fun moment that really stands out: Teacher who often writes stuff on the board for the class to copy down in our books. Speaks aloud the words as she writes. Later has questions about how I'm able to copy it down when I can't see that far. Tell her I just listen to what she says, she insists she isn't saying anything. Stops speaking when writing after that. Sure. Sometimes people automatically stop a subconscious habit when it's pointed out to them. Don't give it much thought, just waited for the kid next to me to finish then asked to copy off them. nbd. About a week later mum gets a call from the principal. Apparently "some teachers" suspected that I was faking my low vision. Seriously, what the hell!? Is a lifetime of me successfully deceiving all the experts I've ever seen really more believable than me being capable of finding a simple solution to an everyday problem?
...actually those last four examples were all the same teacher. There were others who talked down to or treated me weird, but this one really stood out. Sometimes wonder if things would've gone differently if I hadn't had to deal with someone that bad so soon after starting there.
Also, I didn't learn this for sure until a fair bit later (though I did have some suspicions), but I understand some staff had some kind of big talk with all the other students in my year. About asperger's and about me and what to expect. I actually have very little idea about what was said here (though apparently violent behaviour was mentioned) but I'm pretty sure I should be pissed. After all, a big part of the reason I came to this school specifically was to have it be a clean slate!
  In some ways things were even worse than boarding school. At least there I was technically treated about the same as everyone else, much as I hated being grouped with them. Now? Stuff like hearing a teacher talk normally to one student, then hear the drastic change in tone of voice the moment they started talking to me? It made things hit in a much sharper way, so to speak.
I don't know if it was because of that, because I'd let myself get my hopes up, or just me being worn down and done with things. But at this point being blatantly talked down to or othered by people was starting to become a pretty big trigger for me, anger wise. It was only getting worse as time went by.
I'd managed to keep things in control, but after about half a year of doing my best, putting up with everything and getting zero sign that things were ever going to improve, I got the sense that I wasn't going to be able to keep this up forever. That unless something changed it would only be a matter of time before things went real bad.
Thinking back, there's probably better ways I could've handled it. But at the time I just let myself fall back into old, safe patterns. I stopped doing any of the work, stopped trying to interact with the teachers I couldn't tolerate, basically just started spending my days sitting in class doing nothing, being as quiet and unresponsive as possible.
This must sound pretty counterintuitive, huh? Acting like this when I'd so desperately wanted to be seen and treated like a regular person? And yet, it worked just as I thought it would. There was a bit of an adjusting period, but after a few months of them failing to get anything out of me they'd mostly just leave me alone. Things started to become far less stressful and I finally started to feel like I'd be able to see high school all the way through to the end.
Sure there were still occasional moments where one of the bad ones would speak or try to interact with me in some way, and the way they treated me in those moments was the same as it'd ever been, but the sheer drop in frequency was enough to make things feel manageable.
...I want to repeat that for emphasis. I started out doing all my school and homework, from being active in class, talking, and generally doing everything I could do to try and be seen as a normal student. And then suddenly went to refusing to write anything down or give any response when they tried to talk to me. And the way they treated me was the same as it'd ever been. The way they talked down to and othered me did not get any worse for this change. It started out as bad as it would ever be right from day one, and nothing I said or did was ever going to change it.
So spending every class sitting around doing nothing became my new normal, again. I still listened and stuff, took in what I could. It wasn't ideal for learning, but I think I managed okay.
To be clear, when I talk about how badly some of the staff treated me, there were also a bunch of teachers who talked to and treated me perfectly normal. Even when I didn't do much in class. The first few years just happened to stick me with a bunch of the worst ones. Things did get a lot better for me after that, especially when I got more freedom to pick my classes. (Mum likes to talk up how smart I am for picking all the sciences. Truth is my only focus when picking classes was to try to get as many good teachers as I could)
Even as things got better I still didn't do the bulk of the work in class, though I did take tests and do at least some of the projects for credits. I already had something that was working for me and didn't want to rock the boat. Another sudden change in behaviour would've surely drawn a lot of unwanted attention.
Naturally some people from the school became pretty sceptical about my chances of passing. Literally having mum sign a paper saying she wouldn't hold the school accountable for my failure at the start of one school year, then trying to stop me from even taking the exams at the end of that same year.
It was actually pretty amusing thinking back. Four times a year there would be a meeting between mum and the school to talk about me. "They will never be able to pass, they haven't done enough work" "The qualifications for this year are a lot harder than last year, they won't be able to pass this time unless they change their behaviour" Up until final year when literally every meeting was about what I'd do the following year when (not if) I failed to graduate. Discussing stuff like if I'd be able to get along with the previous year of kids if I repeated, or if working in the school laundry would be a good place for me.
I did pass in the end. Admittedly only barely, but still.
(None of the good teachers ever showed up to these meetings btw, kinda goes with me considering them the good ones I guess. But it did leave the school side of the meetings rather one sided. It made for a weird moment in my final year when talking to my physics teacher and he casually mentioned the possibility of me scoring higher than the basic passing marks, while others from the school were literally planning for my failure)
  For the final years of high school I was pretty much running on some mix of inertia, stubbornness, and spite. But that's all I had going for me. So, while passing despite expectations to the contrary was satisfying in a metaphorical middle finger kind of way, I had no motivations for anything beyond that. I was done.
My mum and a handful of other people would talk about what a waste it was for me to never go onto university or anything because I'm smart or whatever. But I really was just totally done with everything at that point.
Thinking back, I have some mixed feelings about this. I can kinda imagine a scenario where I go off to uni and it ends up being super good and healthy for me. But I can also very easily imagine the opposite. Like, sure, everybody talks about college and university and how vastly different they are from everything before it. But I'm not part of that 'everybody'. I can't trust that things being that way for everyone else means they'll be that way for me. Seeing my peers all starting to live hands off and independent would've only made it hurt more if I still had to deal with any staff there treating me like I'm incapable, or dealing with the various special needs people who would no doubt still be trying to be involved in my life. Plus, I'd already gotten my hopes up before, thinking that high school would've been different, and got burned for it. Didn't have much optimism left in me after that. And it's not like there were any subjects or anything that had me interested in further education in the first place. ...Which does mean all the time, stress and energy I spent into getting all my high school qualifications ended being a complete waste. But whatever. Sunk cost fallacy or something.
  Never entered any sort of workforce either. I spent all my time at home living as a dependent. Playing games, watching anime, just finding ways to pass the time. I wouldn't say I was happy or fulfilled per se, but I wasn't unhappy either. Wasn't stressed or angry. It was the closest I'd been to content in a very long time.
And then over ten years passed and literally nothing has changed. It's embarrassing to still be comparing things to my time at school when that was so long ago now. But it really does still feel like living this quiet, out of the way existence that doesn't draw anyones attention really is as good as things can get for me.
  So... that's basically the story of how my life ended up becoming broken, empty and meaningless. And, much as I wish things had gone differently, I've more or less made peace with where I'm at.
  tldr: Being diagnosed as autistic caused many people to start othering me, treating me as something far different and/or less capable than my would be peers. As a kid I was put on ill-prescribed medication, then later was sent to a special needs boarding school. All of these things did far more harm than good for me growing up. I admittedly wasn't always the best behaved kid, but even when I got a lot better the way people saw and treated me was the same. Even with adults I was meeting for the first time. By high school I was developing some pretty serious and potentially violent anger issues. Issues that were triggered specifically by adults treating me differently. So simply putting up with it wasn't looking to be a safe option at that point. No matter how well I behaved, or how much I proved myself capable, the way I was treated never showed any hint of getting better. Instead, I found that being withdrawn, saying and doing as little around these people as possible would have them mostly leave me alone. It's the only thing I ever found that made their treatment of me more manageable, and it worked pretty consistently. It made my anger much less of a concern. Though it probably wasn't healthy for me in other ways, long term. Multiple times, for various reasons, I got my hopes up about things changing or getting better in some way, but I was let down every time. So now I just spend my life in my room passing the time, because that's about as good as things get for me and I no longer have it in me to hope for anything more.
  Feel free to question, comment, whatever. Brutal honesty preferred. I can imagine some people having rather critical opinions about some of this, so don't worry about holding back, haha.
  ...
Fuck labels. Fuck the institutions that give them their power. Fuck the people who place them on others. Fuck the people who judge others because of them. Fuck the people who think they know who someone is because of them. Fuck 'em.
People are people.

Since this is an FAQ, I thought I'd answer it based on my experience. YMMV.
When I worked for UNDP (in Germany, in Afghanistan and in Ukraine, and sometimes remotely), I served on hiring committees. We removed all CVs and applications from people lacking anything that was asked for in the job requirements - that got rid of at least 75% of applicants (and for some jobs, there were 300 applicants).
Then someone - sometimes me, depending on the job - would either put the qualifying CVs in the order I thought started with the very best, then the second very best, etc., OR, I'd pick the five people I thought we should interview, then another person would get the stack and pick the five people he or she thought we should interview, etc., and then we'd have a discussion if there were significant differences, so we could pick the three to five people we would interview.
And then here's how we judged:

• We had a worksheet where we scored the answers to questions. We asked the same questions of all candidates. Questions were based on the job requirements and were based on the wording in the TORs.
• We did not discuss a candidate after the interview - we waited until all the candidates were interviewed for that discussion.
• After the interviews, we totaled and shared our scores - both the totals and how we had ranked people on individual questions. The top candidate was obvious 95% of the time and little discussion was necessary. But twice in all that time, I had a different candidate that scored overall higher than others on the interview committee, once by just a bit and once significantly. More on that in a moment.

We were always shocked by candidates who couldn't answer any questions about the program they were applying for, despite a robust, detailed web site that would tell them more than they wanted to know. We weren't testing people on knowledge with these particular questions - sometimes we would just ask someone, "Of all of our program activities, which interests you the most?" and they couldn't answer because they clearly hadn't reviewed any of our program activities. It wasn't a trick question - they could have said ANY program and why. We just wanted to know if they'd done any "homework" at all. Their lack of doing that homework resulted in a big 0 on that line of questioning and tanked their chances at the job.
We once had a web designer position open, and I had a colleague I thought would be perfect. At my suggestions, she applied, she made it to the interview - and when we asked her what she thought of our current web site, she said, "Oh, I haven't looked at it yet." So much for having a connection to get a job at the UN - I was so embarrassed (and gave her a 0 on that question - no, she did not get the job).
Again, most questions were based on the job itself. So if the job said, "Must be comfortable supporting the IT needs of a diversity of staff," a question might be, "Tell us about a time you trained or supported others who aren't IT professionals in an IT function." And, again, so often, people seemed utterly flummoxed by a question that related directly to the work they would be doing, that was listed in the job description and that they had implied they had done in some context.
As for written tests, often, we were just looking to make sure people were as fluent in the language as they claimed. Amazing how many people were not.
Now, to the case where the committee members' scores were different: In the case where the scores were super close, we just let the hiring manager choose the candidate she wanted. With scores so, so close, we felt like the scoring just showed everyone was pretty much equal. But in the case where my final score - and all the others - were SO different than everyone else's, I went down fighting: I refused to change my score. I could defend every point of it - and quickly realized that the person the others had scored artificially high was who the hiring manager wanted. I felt she wasn't even qualified to interview. Whew, that was quite a fight. I lost, BTW. And it wasn't the first time I tussled with that team and that particular supervisor. Which is why I left within the year...
Please don't take that ONE case as proof that the fix is ALWAYS in. It's not. That one case just goes to show that the UN really is staffed by humans, and sometimes, humans flout the rules. Just like in anything.
Hope you all find this helpful.

(tldr towards the end)
  Recently I've been thinking I should be more open about my life and what I've been through. I know it's not nearly as bad as the abuses some have endured, but it's left me rather messed up in it's own way. It's a bunch of stuff I've barely ever shared with people, certainly never laid out in full like this before. Originally planned on only sharing this with a few close people, but at some point I started thinking it might be better to fully open up and just sorta dump my whole ass life story somewhere public? And this seemed as suitable a place as any?
Despite trying to keep it down to what felt like the most critical details, it somehow ended up becoming far, far longer than expected or planned. Long enough that I don't really expect anyone here to actually bother reading it. But whatever, I'm largely posting it for my own sake at this point.
  I am legally blind and also on the autistic spectrum. I'd ask that you don't pay too much mind to the autism part though. It's not that I have any problem with the way I am per se, but more than anything I wish I'd never been diagnosed with it.
I'm put in mind of the old Rosenhan experiment, where a handful of regular people falsely claimed to have hallucinations and got sent as patients to psychiatric hospitals. Despite acting completely normal once admitted, they were never able to be recognised as the mentally healthy people they were. The mental health system has improved drastically since then. However, at least in my experience, the way a diagnosis can stick to a person and significantly change of how some people will view and interact with that person is still very much a thing. Even if that diagnosis is accurate, this treatment can still be a problem.
  It started being a thing in primary school. Spent some of my time in a special classroom alongside a few other kids who... probably needed the support a lot more than I did. I admittedly did have some behaviour problems back then, but I'm pretty sure I was doing fine on learning. I remember not enjoying that I had to go to that class, nor liking the people running it, but I don't think my feelings about it were particularly strong back then.
Then middle school came and I think things were actually pretty good and normal at first. There were still various special needs workers and the like who'd sometimes come in to observe me in class, or pull me away for some one on one time with them or whatever. I was growing increasingly unfond of this sort of thing, but compared to before, most of my days were just regular student stuff. But over time I started acting out and getting stressed and things only got worse from there. I believe it started with there being a rule about students having to spend the entire lunch break outside if the weather was good. I have issues with light sensitivity and was not okay with this. Eventually I started refusing to go outside during lunch entirely. The teachers weren't okay with this and tensions rose (In hindsight, I really should've had sunglasses back then. No idea why I didn't)
I don't remember the exact reason, but at some point I got real stubborn and refused to do any work during class. Tensions rose more.
  This all led to me having to start seeing a psychiatrist, though that wasn't very constructive. There's two strong memories I have of him. One is of me and him sitting silently in a room where I was expected to be speaking but for whatever reason wasn't. The other is of him and mum talking about school stuff while I sat there listening, I'd sometimes speak up to try clarify or give context to stuff mum was saying but he'd insist I kept quiet or I'd have to leave the room.
He'd also have some one on one talks with mum while I waited outside. I only know what I've heard from mum talking about it many years later, and she has a tendency to exaggerate or embellish this kind of thing, so take this with a lump of salt. Supposedly he talked to her about how he was going to break me and then the real progress can begin. Then later, when that didn't work, he'd tell her I was the worst kid he'd ever dealt with and was untreatable. Though, again, no idea how true any of that is...
  So progress wasn't happening there, and things at school weren't getting better.
Somewhere along the line one of my special needs people, a visual resource worker who I'm sure was in no way qualified to make this kind of call, got the idea that I was depressed. So she started pushing to get me put on antidepressants. And I guess my psych was over having to deal with me at that point as he seemed to just go with it? And I was just a kid, so when I was told I needed to start taking a pill before school, I just did it without giving it any real thought.
Thing is, I wasn't depressed. I was stressed, angry, and full of anger related adrenalin. The pills did nothing to help any of those things. What they did do was mess with my ability to stay in control of all that. So the anger I'd been keeping bottled up started getting expressed. Physically. I'd often lash out against whoever was getting to me in that moment, which was typically teachers and staff but... not always.
I don't really like thinking about that time much. Don't like what I was. Obviously I put a lot of blame on the meds for messing me up so bad. But the anger itself is just something that's a part of me. As, I fear, is the way I lean towards getting physical when that anger becomes too much. It's something I've been sure to stay keenly aware of ever since.
To their arguable credit, the school did put up with me far longer than it had any right to. But their way of dealing with me wasn't exactly constructive. I don't really remember that time period super well tbh, but a few scattered memories that stand out are: A member of staff lifting me by the collar and holding me against a wall, two staff members dragging me home with one of them digging their fingernails into my hand hard enough it left two small scars (fully faded after a few years), a teacher holding me down over a desk forcing me to look at a piece of paper, and an already tense moment with me on the verge while a staff member was confrontationally saying something to the effect of "you shaking like that doesn't scare me". And then basically every clear weather day saw me being physically dragged by two or three staff members from the school building to the office building. Dragged right through the courtyard where all the other students were sitting for lunch. To be clear, this isn't me trying to play the victim per se, I really was quite bad back then. But, like, this started with me being stressed and angry at people. So I think you can probably see how things only compounded on themselves from there, each side constantly having a harder time and only making it harder for the other in turn.
  So yeah, eventually I got kicked out. Finally stopped taking the pills and only then did I become aware of just how much of an effect they'd been having on me, far too late for it to mean anything. Spent the next few months doing nothing but sitting at home playing computer games or whatever. Meanwhile the, uh, whatever places my various special needs workers come from, along with whatever other vague powers there are that get to decide the major life decisions for people like me, they were all trying to figure out where I should go from there.
  The answer was two years at a boarding school. A special boarding school meant specifically for kids with mental disabilities and learning difficulties.
It was not a good place for me.
(something I only just recently learned looking through some of the old papers my mum kept. Apparently some people thought I had a "fear of failure", and so sending me to a place where I would "perceive myself to be better than my peers" was expected to be good for me?? Perhaps it's that I'm still processing. I feel like I should be really upset to learn this, but for now I'm just too baffled)
  It's weird. Thinking back, this definitely feels like the darkest part of my life, as well as the part that's had the largest lasting impact on me. But when it comes to talking about it? It feels like there's rather little to say? (As I'm thinking about it, writing this out, I'm also finding I've forgotten a lot more of the details than I'd expected)
  To put things in some perspective, I'd learned to read before starting school. In primary school I was always in the top reading group of the class. Boarding school? I was one of the very few kids there who knew how to read at all (ages ranging for pre-teen to late teen). Then there was the boredom. I did have a few books and a gameboy, but that can only occupy a person so much. I ended up spending a lot of time literally just sitting around waiting for time to pass. Would go to the toilet at the slightest need just to fill in a few minutes.
But worst of all was the people. The kids there were... not people I'd think of as peers. Not really people I wanted to have as the entirety of my social experience. (though, spend enough time stuck with nothing but a certain group...) And then the adults were "friendly" but would often talk down to me or interact with me in ways I'd consider far more insulting than something like "the R word". Didn't matter that I was well behaved, properly educated, and unmedicated. I was a kid who had been sent there, so they saw and treated me the same as any other.
  Overall I think if I compared my experience there to being like a mentally healthy person being falsely committed to a mental institute? That maybe wouldn't be an entirely fair comparison, but I don't think it's an entirely wrong one either. I did not belong there.
  As for the school side of things... the principal had a talk with me early on where I made it clear just how much I didn't want to be there and would much rather be going to a normal school. He told me that was an option. That there were kids here who got to go to the local schools instead of the classes here. I expressed interest, but I was still new there and he wasn't willing to trust me right off the bat. Since It was getting close to the end of the school year, and I was due to start high school the year after, the deal was that if I could prove I could behave and be non-disruptive in class for the rest of the year I'd get to go to the local high school at the start of the next. This was of course a very easy goal to reach, now that I didn't have the meds messing me up. The deal didn't actually require me to do any of the work in class, and the work the class was doing was frankly so far beneath me that it was less mind numbing to just sit back and let my thoughts wander. So class became even more of me sitting around waiting for time to pass. Dull, but at least now I had something to look forward to!
As the time to start at the high school got near, the principal and I had more talks about how things were going to work. It was only here that I realised there'd been a miscommunication. All the boarding school kids that went to the high school all went into the same class, with a teacher who worked for the boarding school. Attending normal classes like I'd spent months looking forward to was simply not an option. Though he did make sure to stress how great this particular teacher was. Been working there for however many years and he'd never had a single student complain about her. In hindsight I probably should've taken that as more of a red flag.
She felt less like a teacher and more like a babysitter. I mentioned that the previous classes weren't suited for me, but at least there I could see the other students being challenged and learning stuff. Here? There was the occasional moment where a student would ask question and have something explained, but the bulk of the time it felt like they were just being kept busy with a level of work they were already confident in. It's extremely rude to say, but I'm honestly not sure she was even smart enough to be working as a teacher. The work I was given was still beneath me, but I started out doing it anyway out of some hope that I'd be given harder stuff if I proved I was capable. As time went on I came to realise just how pointless that hope was. So after a few months I once again I stopped doing any of the work. It was demeaning. And so sitting in class doing nothing became the entire rest of my school year.
Oh, but there was one very special moment in the later part of the year! The teacher gave me a book to look at. A teacher book of worksheets that could be photocopied and handed out. She told me it was all stuff for my level. That I could take a look through it and if anything interested me she'd make a copy for me to do. And did I mention this was the exact same work everyone else my age was doing? Because she made sure to assure me of that at least two or three times. So I opened to a random page and had a look, then immediately started searching the book to see who it was actually meant for. Sure enough it wasn't meant for high school students, or even middle school students. Primary. Mid-late primary aged students with learning disabilities. I'd expected little, but wow!
  Of course, this boarding school was never intended to be more than a two year thing, so the powers that be still had to decide what I'd do when I got out. And... it was decided that I'd get to go back into high school back home. The catholic one, so it'd be a fresh start away from all the students who knew me from the mess at middle school. And I'd be attending regular classes as a regular student, for real this time. I'd also be starting at the start of the school year which, with the way the timing of things worked out, meant getting about half a year cut off from the two year stint. Great news all around! It did mean starting the first year of high school over again, since the boarding school never even tried teaching me anything at the proper level, so I'd be a year older than the rest of kids in my classes, but whatever. (though why this all couldn't have just happened a year earlier I'll never know. No idea what was going on behind the scenes with the people making these decisions, but on my end the whole boarding school thing felt like nothing but a huge waste of time with a bunch of added mental trauma on the side)
  So I once again had something to look forward to. A fresh start as a normal student!? The one thing I'd been wanting so deeply since I got kicked out of middle school? I got pretty emotionally invested in the idea, and it really helped carry me through the however many months left of boarding school I still had to get through first.
  Stupid.
Naive.
Should've known better.
Would've known better if I'd let myself think about it for even a moment.
  As much as things had been especially bad the past few years, things had stopped being good and normal for me since long before that. Of course I'd still be getting judged and defined by labels by adults who hadn't even met me. Of course I'd still have to deal with them treating me different than everyone else. Of course it would be worse than before now that a special needs school was part of my history.
There was the usual stuff of course. Being talked down do or having basic stuff extremely overexplained to me. Getting specifically told what an amazingly super good job I was doing when I followed instructions exactly the same as everyone else in class was doing. Same sort of thing any time I did well on a test, only then it was with multiple teachers throughout the day. Doing the best in class was even worse. One teacher I even learned to recognise when they were about to start speaking to me because of a noticeable hesitation they'd have. Every time. Only for me. There was one time where a teacher, without asking, decided to be helpful and go through and organise everything in my bag for me. Middle of class, in front of everyone. And even weird stuff like one teacher who'd hand out worksheets and would always hand one to me last. No matter where I was sitting they'd somehow manage to path around the room in a way that made me last. Exactly the same sheet as everyone else. Not sure they even realised they were doing it. Like, wat? How do I even parse behaviour like that?
And one fun moment that really stands out: Teacher who often writes stuff on the board for the class to copy down in our books. Speaks aloud the words as she writes. Later has questions about how I'm able to copy it down when I can't see that far. Tell her I just listen to what she says, she insists she isn't saying anything. Stops speaking when writing after that. Sure. Sometimes people automatically stop a subconscious habit when it's pointed out to them. Don't give it much thought, just waited for the kid next to me to finish then asked to copy off them. nbd. About a week later mum gets a call from the principal. Apparently "some teachers" suspected that I was faking my low vision. Seriously, what the hell!? Is a lifetime of me successfully deceiving all the experts I've ever seen really more believable than me being capable of finding a simple solution to an everyday problem?
...actually those last four examples were all the same teacher. There were others who talked down to or treated me weird, but this one really stood out. Sometimes wonder if things would've gone differently if I hadn't had to deal with someone that bad so soon after starting there.
Also, I didn't learn this for sure until a fair bit later (though I did have some suspicions), but I understand some staff had some kind of big talk with all the other students in my year. About asperger's and about me and what to expect. I actually have very little idea about what was said here (though apparently violent behaviour was mentioned) but I'm pretty sure I should be pissed. After all, a big part of the reason I came to this school specifically was to have it be a clean slate!
  In some ways things were even worse than boarding school. At least there I was technically treated about the same as everyone else, much as I hated being grouped with them. Now? Stuff like hearing a teacher talk normally to one student, then hear the drastic change in tone of voice the moment they started talking to me? It made things hit in a much sharper way, so to speak.
I don't know if it was because of that, because I'd let myself get my hopes up, or just me being worn down and done with things. But at this point being blatantly talked down to or othered by people was starting to become a pretty big trigger for me, anger wise. It was only getting worse as time went by.
I'd managed to keep things in control, but after about half a year of doing my best, putting up with everything and getting zero sign that things were ever going to improve, I got the sense that I wasn't going to be able to keep this up forever. That unless something changed it would only be a matter of time before things went real bad.
Thinking back, there's probably better ways I could've handled it. But at the time I just let myself fall back into old, safe patterns. I stopped doing any of the work, stopped trying to interact with the teachers I couldn't tolerate, basically just started spending my days sitting in class doing nothing, being as quiet and unresponsive as possible.
This must sound pretty counterintuitive, huh? Acting like this when I'd so desperately wanted to be seen and treated like a regular person? And yet, it worked just as I thought it would. There was a bit of an adjusting period, but after a few months of them failing to get anything out of me they'd mostly just leave me alone. Things started to become far less stressful and I finally started to feel like I'd be able to see high school all the way through to the end.
Sure there were still occasional moments where one of the bad ones would speak or try to interact with me in some way, and the way they treated me in those moments was the same as it'd ever been, but the sheer drop in frequency was enough to make things feel manageable.
...I want to repeat that for emphasis. I started out doing all my school and homework, from being active in class, talking, and generally doing everything I could do to try and be seen as a normal student. And then suddenly went to refusing to write anything down or give any response when they tried to talk to me. And the way they treated me was the same as it'd ever been. The way they talked down to and othered me did not get any worse for this change. It started out as bad as it would ever be right from day one, and nothing I said or did was ever going to change it.
So spending every class sitting around doing nothing became my new normal, again. I still listened and stuff, took in what I could. It wasn't ideal for learning, but I think I managed okay.
To be clear, when I talk about how badly some of the staff treated me, there were also a bunch of teachers who talked to and treated me perfectly normal. Even when I didn't do much in class. The first few years just happened to stick me with a bunch of the worst ones. Things did get a lot better for me after that, especially when I got more freedom to pick my classes. (Mum likes to talk up how smart I am for picking all the sciences. Truth is my only focus when picking classes was to try to get as many good teachers as I could)
Even as things got better I still didn't do the bulk of the work in class, though I did take tests and do at least some of the projects for credits. I already had something that was working for me and didn't want to rock the boat. Another sudden change in behaviour would've surely drawn a lot of unwanted attention.
Naturally some people from the school became pretty sceptical about my chances of passing. Literally having mum sign a document saying she wouldn't hold the school accountable for my failure at the start of one school year, then trying to stop me from even taking the exams at the end of that same year.
It was actually pretty amusing thinking back. Four times a year there would be a meeting between mum and the school to talk about me. "They will never be able to pass, they haven't done enough work" "The qualifications for this year are a lot harder than last year, they won't be able to pass this time unless they change their behaviour" Up until final year when literally every meeting was about what I'd do the following year when (not if) I failed to graduate. Discussing stuff like if I'd be able to get along with the previous year of kids if I repeated, or if working in the school laundry would be a good place for me.
I did pass in the end. Admittedly only barely, but still.
(None of the good teachers ever showed up to these meetings btw, kinda goes with me considering them the good ones I guess. But it did leave the school side of the meetings rather one sided. It made for a weird moment in my final year when talking to my physics teacher and he casually mentioned the possibility of me scoring higher than the basic passing marks, while others from the school were literally planning for my failure)
  For the final years of high school I was pretty much running on some mix of inertia, stubbornness, and spite. But that's all I had going for me. So, while passing despite expectations to the contrary was satisfying in a metaphorical middle finger kind of way, I had no motivations for anything beyond that. I was done.
My mum and a handful of other people would talk about what a waste it was for me to never go onto university or anything because I'm smart or whatever. But I really was just totally done with everything at that point.
Thinking back, I have some mixed feelings about this. I can kinda imagine a scenario where I go off to uni and it ends up being super good and healthy for me. But I can also very easily imagine the opposite. Like, sure, everybody talks about college and university and how vastly different they are from everything before it. But I'm not part of that 'everybody'. I can't trust that things being that way for everyone else means they'll be that way for me. Seeing my peers all starting to live hands off and independent would've only made it hurt more if I still had to deal with any staff there treating me like I'm incapable, or dealing with the various special needs people who would no doubt still be trying to be involved in my life. Plus, I'd already gotten my hopes up before, thinking that high school would've been different, and got burned for it. Didn't have much optimism left in me after that. And it's not like there were any subjects or anything that had me interested in further education in the first place. ...Which does mean all the time, stress and energy I spent into getting all my high school qualifications ended being a complete waste. But whatever. Sunk cost fallacy or something.
  Never entered any sort of workforce either. I spent all my time at home living as a dependent. Playing games, watching anime, just finding ways to pass the time. I wouldn't say I was happy or fulfilled per se, but I wasn't unhappy either. Wasn't stressed or angry. It was the closest I'd been to content in a very long time.
And then over ten years passed and literally nothing has changed. It's embarrassing to still be comparing things to my time at school when that was so long ago now. But it really does still feel like living this quiet, out of the way existence that doesn't draw anyones attention really is as good as things can get for me.
  So... that's basically the story of how my life ended up becoming broken, empty and meaningless. And, much as I wish things had gone differently, I've more or less made peace with where I'm at.
  tldr: Being diagnosed as autistic caused many people to start othering me, treating me as something far different and/or less capable than my would be peers. As a kid I was put on ill-prescribed medication, then later was sent to a special needs boarding school. All of these things did far more harm than good for me growing up. I admittedly wasn't always the best behaved kid, but even when I got a lot better the way people saw and treated me was the same. Even with adults I was meeting for the first time. By high school I was developing some pretty serious and potentially violent anger issues. Issues that were triggered specifically by adults treating me differently. So simply putting up with it wasn't looking to be a safe option at that point. No matter how well I behaved, or how much I proved myself capable, the way I was treated never showed any hint of getting better. Instead, I found that being withdrawn, saying and doing as little around these people as possible would have them mostly leave me alone. It's the only thing I ever found that made their treatment of me more manageable, and it worked pretty consistently. It made my anger much less of a concern. Though it probably wasn't healthy for me in other ways, long term. Multiple times, for various reasons, I got my hopes up about things changing or getting better in some way, but I was let down every time. So now I just spend my life in my room passing the time, because that's about as good as things get for me and I no longer have it in me to hope for anything more.
  Feel free to question, comment, whatever. Brutal honesty preferred. I can imagine some people having rather critical opinions about some of this, so don't worry about holding back, haha.
  ...
Fuck labels. Fuck the institutions that give them their power. Fuck the people who place them on others. Fuck the people who judge others because of them. Fuck the people who think they know who someone is because of them. Fuck 'em.
People are people.

Hey everyone I, 24 F, just wanted to hop on here and say I’ve been doing so much better and maybe give anyone some hope that reoccurring severe panic attacks do get better.
I’ve been struggling with severe panic attacks (1-6 hours long, typically on the longer side), that cause constant vomiting/dry heaving, intense muscle shakes, hyperventilating, and sometimes I’d end up at the hospital. I did experience this years ago and somehow some what they just disappeared. Then, this past September, I had a wild night out and ended up drinking a few vodka redbulls (for contexts I never drink energy drinks cause they make me anxious). The next day I was extremely hungover and I think the excessive alcohol and energy drink combo made my heart feel like it was beating out of my chest and all the sudden I was having the first panic attack I’ve had since they disappeared almost 4 years ago. It was horrible, I felt like I remembered what the sensation was and that it was happening again. From September untill April I had been having a panic attack every week to 2 weeks, canceling on plans with friends, family, my boyfriend, and just being so closed off and scared of anything triggering it.
I tried a few different medications, somewhat reluctantly because I beat it without meds once, I wanted to do it again. None of them worked, and only made symptoms worse for me(Hydroxyzine, trazadone, sertaline, buspirine). When i tried the sertaline buspirine combo, I ended up having severe side effects that landed me in the hospital (nausea, dizziness, confusion, hot flashes, drowsiness, fainting), and looking back I can barely remember that day. I was so incredibly scared of the what was happening I actually thought I might be in trouble/my life was at risk.
It was an extremely low blow, those meds were my “last hope” at the time and I felt like nothing would work. HOWEVER, I think that experience changed the way I thought about panic attacks. Now, I tell myself “I will never be as scared as I was that day, I do not have horrible side effects from any medication because I don’t take any, and this will all pass. I am in no real danger” and I think the only reason I actually believe it now is because I felt real fear. It’s now been 47 days without a panic attack, almost 7 weeks. I also found a new therapist who gives me worksheets on working through thoughts about panic and I’m working on accepting them. I know it’s so so hard, I’m still struggling and I do get the feeling one is coming on occasionally. I just have to keep telling myself “it’s okay, you’ll get through it like you always do”. And ACCEPT that it could be coming on, and that you will probably get one again in the future and that’s okay! It doesn’t have to be so detrimental on your life, it can be a flare up and that’s all.
I know this hasn’t really had much advice and not many people are probably going to have a life or death feeling experience like I did but the thought process I go through now has helped so much, in addition to finding a therapist that gives me actual tools to mitigate those feelings and “battle” the thoughts that cause some of mine.
I also just wanted to let people know it gets better! Mine was so severe and really fucked up my life for a good 8 months and I finally feel like I’ll be okay.
I believe in everyone here, you guys got this, work on acceptance and it will combat the fear and anxiety causing these.

hi ! i'm sorry if this will be very long, but i'm a bit at wit's end and i desperately need help. so for some background, i don't have a lot of experience with javascript or html, but my job requires that i occasionally have to bootstrap things together because my workplace won't hire a developer.
so here i am trying to figure out this problem with nothing but vague understanding of how the code works and GPT4.
the problem: i have a worksheet on google sheets tied to a live google form. the form is for students to select dates that they'd be available for a test. currently we comb through the 200 replies (and counting, over 600 students have been sent the form) whenever we need a list of students that are going to be coming for the test on a certain day, and whether or not they'll have a laptop.
i figured it would be easier to write some apps script to do this at a click. i've put both the client side html and the javascript below. however, while the client side and dialogue boxes and what not work fine, the generateList function always fails and i gave no idea why.
i'm ready to provide as much context as possible if anyone needs to it help me !
thank you all so much !
client side html:
Friday, 31 May Friday, 7 June Friday, 14 June Friday, 21 June Friday, 28 June Friday, 5 July Friday, 12 July Friday, 26 July Friday, 2 August Friday, 9 August Monday, 12 August Friday, 16 August Monday, 19 August Wednesday, 21 August Generate List
javascript:
function onOpen() { var ui = SpreadsheetApp.getUi(); ui.createMenu('Custom Menu') .addItem('Generate List', 'showDialog') .addToUi(); }
function showDialog() { var html = HtmlService.createHtmlOutputFromFile('Page') .setWidth(400) .setHeight(300); SpreadsheetApp.getUi().showModalDialog(html, 'Select a Date'); }
function generateList(selectedDate) { try { var ss = SpreadsheetApp.getActiveSpreadsheet(); var sheet = ss.getSheetByName('Form responses 1'); if (!sheet) throw new Error('Sheet "Form responses 1" not found');

var dataRange = sheet.getDataRange(); var data = dataRange.getValues(); var morningTime = selectedDate + " (8 AM to 12 PM)"; var afternoonTime = selectedDate + " (1 PM to 5 PM)"; var filteredYes = [['Email', 'Name']]; var filteredNo = [['Email', 'Name']]; for (var i = 1; i < data.length; i++) { var row = data[i]; if ([row[4], row[5], row[11], row[13]].some(date => date.includes(morningTime) date.includes(afternoonTime))) { if (row[3] === 'Yes') { filteredYes.push([row[1], row[2]]); } else if (row[3] === 'No') { filteredNo.push([row[1], row[2]]); } } } // Create a new sheet and output the filtered data var newSheetName = selectedDate.replace(/[^a-zA-Z0-9]+/g, ''); var newSheet = ss.insertSheet(newSheetName); newSheet.getRange(1, 1, filteredYes.length, 2).setValues(filteredYes); newSheet.getRange(filteredYes.length + 2, 1, filteredNo.length, 2).setValues(filteredNo); SpreadsheetApp.getUi().alert('List Generated Successfully'); 

} catch (e) {

SpreadsheetApp.getUi().alert('Failure: ' + e.message); 

} }

hi ! i'm sorry if this will be very long, but i'm a bit at wit's end and i desperately need help. so for some background, i don't have a lot of experience with javascript or html, but my job requires that i occasionally have to bootstrap things together because my workplace won't hire a developer.
so here i am trying to figure out this problem with nothing but vague understanding of how the code works and GPT4.
the problem: i have a worksheet on google sheets tied to a live google form. the form is for students to select dates that they'd be available for a test. currently we comb through the 200 replies (and counting, over 600 students have been sent the form) whenever we need a list of students that are going to be coming for the test on a certain day, and whether or not they'll have a laptop.
i figured it would be easier to write some apps script to do this at a click. i've put both the client side html and the javascript below. however, while the client side and dialogue boxes and what not work fine, the generateList function always fails and i gave no idea why.
i'm ready to provide as much context as possible if anyone needs to it help me !
thank you all so much !
client side html:
Friday, 31 May Friday, 7 June Friday, 14 June Friday, 21 June Friday, 28 June Friday, 5 July Friday, 12 July Friday, 26 July Friday, 2 August Friday, 9 August Monday, 12 August Friday, 16 August Monday, 19 August Wednesday, 21 August Generate List
javascript:
function onOpen() { var ui = SpreadsheetApp.getUi(); ui.createMenu('Custom Menu') .addItem('Generate List', 'showDialog') .addToUi(); }
function showDialog() { var html = HtmlService.createHtmlOutputFromFile('Page') .setWidth(400) .setHeight(300); SpreadsheetApp.getUi().showModalDialog(html, 'Select a Date'); }
function generateList(selectedDate) { try { var ss = SpreadsheetApp.getActiveSpreadsheet(); var sheet = ss.getSheetByName('Form responses 1'); if (!sheet) throw new Error('Sheet "Form responses 1" not found');

var dataRange = sheet.getDataRange(); var data = dataRange.getValues(); var morningTime = selectedDate + " (8 AM to 12 PM)"; var afternoonTime = selectedDate + " (1 PM to 5 PM)"; var filteredYes = [['Email', 'Name']]; var filteredNo = [['Email', 'Name']]; for (var i = 1; i < data.length; i++) { var row = data[i]; if ([row[4], row[5], row[11], row[13]].some(date => date.includes(morningTime) date.includes(afternoonTime))) { if (row[3] === 'Yes') { filteredYes.push([row[1], row[2]]); } else if (row[3] === 'No') { filteredNo.push([row[1], row[2]]); } } } // Create a new sheet and output the filtered data var newSheetName = selectedDate.replace(/[^a-zA-Z0-9]+/g, ''); var newSheet = ss.insertSheet(newSheetName); newSheet.getRange(1, 1, filteredYes.length, 2).setValues(filteredYes); newSheet.getRange(filteredYes.length + 2, 1, filteredNo.length, 2).setValues(filteredNo); SpreadsheetApp.getUi().alert('List Generated Successfully'); 

} catch (e) {

SpreadsheetApp.getUi().alert('Failure: ' + e.message); 

} }