I just hate how my lupus is. I'm constantly carrying water weight. I did a 64oz of water a day and my legs swelled. I love drinking water. I wanted to cleanse. My weight is heavy. I just don't know what to do.
I'm on a lupus trial and don't know if I'm getting medicine or not and I went in the hospital 2 weeks ago.
I hate my weight gain so much I diet, I run marathons ever so often, I can walk very long distances and nothing. I just come back with swelling. I just stepped on the scale and cried because it says 252. I know it will be 249 or 248 in the morning but I'm tired.
When you touch the front of my legs and push on it it dents in from edema. Is edema over my entire body. I'm crying while writing this.
I'm trying to lose weight I'm 5'6 and from the medicines and everything I just feel like at this point everything is for nothing. Solimedrol, Prednisone, imuran, plaquenil, mystery drugs. I'm still swelling and my weight.
I work as well I'm a educator with little ones so I'm always on my toes and feet.
Any advice, thanks

After playing League for ~3 years I decided to stop and learn a new game and now have been playing Dota for about 8 months. As I've been learning I've been comparing and contrasting them, and I felt like writing up my thoughts.
I'm not a high ranked player; I was emerald in League and I don't really played ranked in dota. It doesn't matter, since this post isn't about tactics/strategy or how to win-- I'm just talking about the differences between the mechanics of the two games and their clients.
Disclaimer, this is all about Soloqueue. Pro play is a different environment and many things are different. I'm just talking about the average player's experience.
In League's favor:

• Better lore. It's not a contest really. League's champions all have names and stories that are placed front and center, whereas Dota heroes are more like archetypes than individuals with distinct identities. Instead they're known by a description of what they are, while their "real names" are kind of buried in half-assed bio summaries and infrequently referenced. There's a dude called "Anti-Mage." There's a dude on a bat and his name is Batrider. There's nothing in Dota to compare with the hype lore media Riot produces, like the fiddlesticks rework video or the 10 min yone/yasuo video. Champion lore just gets way more money put into it in League.
  
• League has WAYYYYY better champion animations and ability visual designs. This is for me where League blows Dota out of the water. There's really just nothing in Dota that feels like Jhin, or Ekko, or Aphelios, or Senna, or so many others. With rare exception, almost all the champions in league have aspects that FEEL amazing - great sound design / animations / feedback delays that are incredibly rewarding. Dota's heros are really fun to play and I'm having a great time, but if you put them side by side with like 90% of League's cast, the animations of their abilities and movements just feel kinda flat by comparison. One of the easiest side-by-sides is Darius vs Dota's hero "Axe" -- he has the same ult as darius, completely identical except for darius ult's interaction with passive. But all Axe does for his ult visually is a little hop and swing of the axe. It's really lame. Compare that to the awesome sound of a Darius ult kill, with the fear, especially on the God-King skin, and it makes Dota look 20 years old.
  
• Skillshots! In Dota most abilities are just unit targeted, so they can't miss. There are skillshots too, but they're far fewer. In league skillshots are kind of the norm, and aiming them and dodging them is a big part of the game and it's fun to do so and makes you feel cool when you land them or dodge them. Having nearly everything be unit targeted isn't bad, it's just different, but it is something I enjoy a lot in League.
  
• Cooler duels in league, and more of them. Dueling is a big part of league and it doesn't seem to be such a big part of Dota except maybe a bit in mid. Everyone in Dota has teleport (instead of recall), and it only has like a 1 minute cooldown. So whenever a fight starts, people teleport in and it becomes a teamfight. There's only one 1v1 lane (mid), the other two are 2v2 lanes. So there's much less of the 1v1 culture of League where people get to solo each other and take pride in the results. The lack of skillshots in dota plays into this too, since landing or dodging skillshots can definitively contribute to the outcome of a duel. With that mechanic less prominent, statchecking is a bit more common.
  
• Very little 1v9 potential in Dota by comparison. Dota has FARRRRRR more CC than league, it's not even close. League feels like it has no CC compared to dota. In dota there is an item anyone can buy that silences a point-and-click target for 5 seconds, and another that polymorphs for 3 seconds, and so on. Many such items. There's a support who can root you for 4 seconds AND polymorph you for 3, and a carry who can silence you for FIFTEEN SECONDS with his ult. In such an environment, no one person can solo carry a game most of the time. You HAVE to work with your team. So if you love 1v9ing, League wins hard on that. But at the same time this can be a negative for league - it means there's more ego and less teamwork. People in dota are by default much more inclined to work together, because in the face of such powerful tools they HAVE to.
  
• Recalling isn't a thing in Dota, which means the game is kind of constantly pedal-to-the-metal. It can be kind of nice to take a breather in League for a few seconds and stretch your arms while walking back to lane, given how intense the game can be.
  
• In dota, holding tab doesn't show you what items people have built, nor their CS, and it's super frustrating. You have to click champion portraits individually to see their items, and you can't see their CS at all aside from your own. Probably hard-core dota loyalists will say this is part of the skill of the game, but honestly it's just annoying/bad UI design that they sort of got used to and became convinced was "part of the game" imo. It's really stupid and annoying.
  
• In League you can buy as many wards as you want, whereas in Dota there's only ever a finite number available in the store which is SHARED among your team and then goes out of stock until it replenishes on a timer. I hate having to share wards with the team in dota, and the store being out of them. I understand it's part of the game and managing that is part of the skill of dota, but I find it tedious and don't really enjoy it as a mechanic. Additionally, wards take up an inventory slot in dota the same way control wards do in league, and it's just annoying.
  
• Better champion skins, frankly. Some of League's skins are just amazing, as we all know. I would say there is very little cosmetic content in Dota that can compare to High Noon Senna or God-King Darius or [insert your favorite skin here.] There are cool skins, but it's just not the same. In Dota you can buy individual things, like updating a sword or a hat or a belt or a single ability's effect, all purchaseable separately. They have some full-kit skins, but that's not emphasized as much as in League where it's the standard and the only option, and they're just not as visually impressive.
  

In Dota's Favor:

• All heroes are free from the start. It's great for trying them out and learning the game.
  
• The game is less punishing to learn than league, for a multitude of reasons. Don't get me wrong, it still has an enormous barrier to entry and a steep learning curve, but it's just less painful. Everyone who ever learned League remembers what it was like in those first couple months being alone in lane against people who have been playing for years - especially in top lane or mid lane - and just getting fucking demolished 1v1 and not even being able to play. That doesn't happen as much in dota. First of all two lanes are ostensibly 2v2 and only one is 1v1, although there's a lot more roaming by the supports. There's also no jungler role, a role in league which often leads to that player being blamed for everything that goes wrong in a game. And then there's WAY more sustain - in Dota you don't recall to buy items, you have couriers ferry them out to you. So you can just kinda constantly have Dota's equivalent of health pots brought out to you, and only TP to fountain rarely when you're super low. This means there's a lot less crying under turret while zoned off CS unable to play.
  
• Much better tools for learning. The tutorial is better. You're able to click other heroes to see their abilities in-game. There's a guide system full of user-contributed content where you can pick one in-game and it tells you what to buy and how to use that item on this hero, as well as how to use your abilities by just adding little user-written snippets to the tooltips when you hover them. League does have recommended items and recommended order for ability-levelling, but the fact that you can choose between different guides for different roles in dota is huge, and the text telling you when/why to use specific items for a hero is also majorly helpful. Imagine if you could pick a different guide in game for Senna support vs Senna adc, etc, that recommended specific choices based on the role and neatly fitted those recommendations into the UI.
  
• Dota has way, way, way more interesting items. There are so many active items in Dota, and they feel much more impactful. By comparison nearly every item in league is just a statstick that gives one form or another of more damage or more tank. In Dota there are items that silence for 5s, that disarm (teemo blind) for 3s, that root an aoe for 2s, that polymorph for 3s, that reset ALL your cooldowns including ult (this one has a 5 min cooldown, the rest are <20sec.) Dota's version of Thornmail has an active that hugely amplifies the reflected damage for 5second, so the item feels great to use and has more skill expression - you time the active correctly when someone is focusing you and it makes a big difference. Given that most effects last 3-5 seconds, it's not about super-precise timing like in League so much as it is about broader strategic choices of using it early or late in a fight, etc. The only items in league that feel as strong as Dota items are Zhonyas, GA, and Locket, with honorary mention for the perennially overpowered botrk.
  
• Dota has a way more beautiful map. It's not even close. Dota's map has so much going on. There are far more jungle camps, there's trees everywhere (which many hero abilities interact with in different ways!), there's high ground and low ground. There's so many different places and different entities and landforms, and it's just beautiful. League's map feels empty and stale by comparison. It's much smaller than dota's map, the jungle camps have fixed contents that never change (dota's camps rotate and change during the game). Not even to mention that Dota's map is divided in half and each team's side looks completely different from the other half. As opposed to league where they're identical but just rotated.
  
• Aghanim's shard and scepter. These are the my favorite things in Dota that league doesn't have. What are they? They're two items you can buy that each have a different effect on every single individual hero in the game. On a case by case basis, they either UNLOCK ENTIRE NEW ABILTIES (literally the UI expands to add a new slot when you buy them) or they upgrade one or more of your existing abilities to have entirely new effects. This is just so cool and I was shocked when I learned about them. It's just so fun being able to gain new abilities even late in the game.
  
• The talent tree, which is like an ability customization tree you progress through over the game and which is specific to the hero you're playing. In Dota the max level is 30, and every 5 levels in the game from level 10 onwards, you can unlock a "talent", at which point you pick one of two options to upgrade your hero. It might add 1s to your Q's stun. It might decrease the mana cost of your W. It might give you +250 base health, or +50 AD. It might add entirely new effects to your abilities, like making what was previously just a rooting projectile also start silencing. By level 30 you will have gotten to unlock everything in the tree (you don't typically reach level 30 very often in ranked games). Imagine if like at level 25 you could add "Mundo Q grounds for 0.5s" or "Irelia E +200 range". It's stuff like that and it's so fun.
  
• Dota is more team-oriented. Due to the prevalence of long-lasting debuffs/cc from both items and hero abilities, no one person can really just solo carry to the same extent as in League. In my experience you only very rarely see someone 1v9 in Dota, and usually it's because the enemy team is just making stupid choices. This makes the game a bit more tolerable on average, although you encounter the same toxicity as in league just the same.
  
• Dota has built-in voice chat. This actually does come in handy a lot. Hate not having it in league. It's typically effective and you can mute people in voice just the same as in chat so it's rarely been problematic in my personal experience so far.
  
• Dota has "turbo mode." This mode is just great. Wish league had it. It's basically norms, but with aram-level gold income so all players get to full build in like 20-30 min without even powerfarming. It's really fun and great for learning, experimenting, and playing casually with less commitment.
  
• In dota you don't recall. This means more time spent out on the map playing. Instead all players have the equivalent of the teleport summoner spell constantly available, which lets you take part in more plays. You also don't back to buy items, instead they get ferried out to you by little minions, which is great. Having items shipped out to you constantly instead of having to spend time retrieving them is awesome.
  
• Better demo tool by far. League's practice tool is notoriously shitty. Being able to open the demo tool while you're waiting in queue in Dota is amazing. Can't do that in league.
  
• Dota has 3 additional inactive item slots called the backpack. Love being able to hold 3 additional items that you can swap in or out (they're not usable from the backpack and you don't gain their effects, but you have them on your person to swap into from main inventory if you want). Just gives you nice flexibility when holding consumables and building stuff.
  
• Neutral items. This just doesn't exist in league and I wish it did because these are really fun and cool. When you kill neutral jungle camps in dota they drop items, and the power level of the items scales over the course of the game, from weak ruby crystal type stuff to things that are as strong as rabadons. And they don't take up a normal inventory slot, so you effectively get an actual 7th item in dota.
  
• The system for checking out customization and skins. Dota's system is pretty different, where instead of buying holistic skins that change everything, you can customize individual parts of a heroe's appearance, like their hat or their sword or their belt or gloves. There's WAYYYYY more options than in League, and you can try them all out in the client to see how they look.
  
• Cosmetics for things other than the heroes/champions themselves. In League you can only buy champion skins. In Dota you can buy cosmetics for the ancient (nexus), the towers, the creeps, the map, etc. None of that exists in League. We fucking WISH we could buy that kind of stuff. Riot are you listening?
  

Conclusions
On the whole I'd say there's more things to like about Dota than about League just in sheer quantity of bullet points, but regardless I love both games and think they're both really fun. If Dota improved their lore, their animations, and their tab screen and League improved their cosmetics store and had a more interesting and dynamic map, plus neutral items and agh's shard & scepter, I wouldn't really have any major complaints about either of them.
I think anyone who loves one game could potentially love the other one too and it's totally worth learning whichever one you don't already know, if you have the time. Obviously these games take a ton of time and most people barely have time for one let alone two. But if you're young especially, they're both really fun.
It's pretty hard for me to see eye-to-eye with the people who love one game and ferociously hate on the other - it seems childish and kind of empty. To not find one as fun as the other, sure, that's one thing, but to expend energy hating it and constantly shitting on it, that just confuses me. You can have a favorite while still acknowledging the other as a comparably enjoyable game.
One final note - one of the things I found most interesting about comparing them is seeing which mechanics are normal in one game that would be overpowered in the other game.
In Dota there is a hero named Nature's Prophet whose W is TF ult minus the vision. It has a one minute cooldown, going down to eventually 0 cooldown late game, and he can access it from level one if he chooses to. Nature's prophet would likely have a >90% wr in League.
But then in League we have Zilean and his stupid ult on a one minute cooldown, while in Dota that only exists as a one-time use item (like GA) that you are rewarded with when you defeat their version of Baron, and it is basically the strongest item in the game. Zilean would likely have a >90% wr in dota.

Reddit seems like a decent place to cast a wide net...
 
I self-taught myself trumpet and other brass instruments in highschool, and played trumpet in some ensembles in college as a non-major. It's my secondary, or even tertiary instrument, never taken brass lessons, but I've always been able to hang with the trumpet primaries in auditions and such.
Especially throughout college I warmed up all the time, because that's just what everybody did. Long tones, lip bends, slurs, Clarks, scales, leadpipe buzzes, pedals, air attacks, mouthpiece buzzing, you name it, it was part of my daily at some point. I never really noticed that it did anything for me, but I did it anyway because ... everybody has to warm up, right? "Are you warmed up?"
 
Now after college and picking the horn up after a long break and no pressure to be "warmed up" for rehearsals, recordings, or concerts, I'm noticing in full force that warming up really does nothing for me and probably never has. I play my best cold, when I put my face to the horn the first time in the day is when I have my best tone, best range, flexibility, accuracy, etc. It's like starting on a full stamina bar and the longer I play the more everything starts to degrade. Warm-up routines degrade it just like any other playing, so if I "warm-up" I'm just spending unnecessary stamina and my face wears out sooner, and I notice zero benefits in return. Fresh lips best lips.
 
 
Is anybody else a "best when cold" player? Is this even a thing?
Is there anybody out there that used to think warmups did nothing for them, but eventually discovered something that they did improve on? What were you missing and what did you gain?

I’ve been thinking about either getting a UAFX Ruby or a Princeton Reverb Tone Master. I prefer the Vox sound to Fender but an AC15 is probably too much volume for where I’m living and I like the Ruby’s features like presets.
However I’m a bit reluctant on going the amp pedal with monitors route because I play with friends occasionally and it’s good to be able to throw an amp in the car and also have some volume on tap when needed. This is what appeals about the Princeton TM - it’s portable and has enough volume for playing with others but can also do low volume with power scaling when at home.
What I’m wondering is if the Ruby with the Fender FR-10 would be the best of both worlds? Will a FRFR speaker still sound good at bedroom levels and will the speaker in an FR-10 do a Vox emulation justice or is it voiced for Fender amps?
I’ll add that I’m not set on an FR-10, I would consider any FRFR option but I quite like the size and look of it.
Sorry for the long post, any opinions would be appreciated!

i am a huge music fan with diverse and eclectic tastes. growing up i had a younger brother who was an incredibly talented musician. drums, piano, guitar, anything you gave him he could play and he could learn songs by hearing them for only a moment (adult diagnosis, he is autistic. in the 90s he was just ‘weird’). my father facilitated these interests and skills by providing the tools so he could play. even tho we came from no money he would find guitars at swap meets and cymbals at the pawn shop etc. my brother also had an interest in computers and in the late 90s began experimenting in using them to record loops with his instruments and sequence them in a DOS based tracker. i tried guitar and drums but could never play actual physical instruments very well however my understanding of music and the technical ‘math’ of it permitted me to use the sequencer and samples to make drum and bass which was my artistic output when it came to music. i did this for nearly a decade but it fell by the wayside in lieu of career focus.
now, i have an autistic 15yr old son. it’s odd because i feel like i am raising my younger brother. the similarities are incredible. i am in a better financial position than my father ever was and i now facilitate my sons art in the only way i really can - financially.
i have been a life long tinkerer and have always been obsessed with items that are beautiful and have function, so my career as a master automotive technician(nearly a decade at the dealer level and time spent in professional sportscar racing) made sense. cars, watches, and guitars are my interests. both simple and complex in their function with the ability to be extremely beautiful while doing so. so beautiful that sometimes their complexity of function is taken for granted. no one thinks about the request the throttle pedal or brake pedal is making of their vehicle, no one thinks about the mechanical function happening inside their watch when they check if it’s lunch time, no one thinks about the pickup placement on a rickenbacker and how the math of harmonics and scale length play a role. this is what holds my interest.
so while i don’t play a lick of guitar, i spend some of my time repairing and modifying my sons guitars. it’s new to me and i enjoy the challenge of figuring out how to minimize fret buzz or some other issue. the electrical is child’s play for me but there is a level of relaxing zen in the work when i swap out pickups haha.
was just wondering if there was anyone else on here who doesn’t play or if i’m the only one.

Warning this will be a long post, it has everything I've learnt in the past couple of years from hair growth, to styling, to weightloss, to nervous system regulation and more.
I'm in my early 30s, I have 3B hair, tall, two years ago I was obese, prediabetic, I had anxiety problems, now I'm just a tall [seemingly ;) ] effortlessly pretty black girl and I want all my beauties on here to have my beauty secrets.
Topics discussed:

• Haircare
• Style
• Makeup
• Teeth
• Skincare
• Weight loss vs Fat loss
• Healthy Fat loss
• Body Recomposition
• Inflammation
• Gut Health
• How to lower androgen/testosterone levels
• Nervous System Regulation/Stress Management
• Tea Cycling
• Seed Cycling

Hair

I have PCOS so it affects my hair growth and causes hirsutism, basically male patterened facial hair and male patterned baldness.
Hair Growth: Here is the true secret sauce to hair growth, stimulating your scalp. I do daily scalp massages with a bamboo brush (even the bristles are made of rounded bamboo) very gentle. This is the one I use: Golab Beauty I do short strokes which prevents any tangles. Morning and Night. I then go in with a scalp serum, I use The Oui scalp serum but it costs a pretty penny. In the first yearish I used (The 'Ordinary' Haircare Growth Set Multi-Peptide Serum For Hair Density) which worked wonders and was cost effective. At nights I seal with any scalp oil that has rosemary oil. Sadly Mielle's formula no longer works for me, but As I Am rosemary oil has been working, I also like the Camille Rose Rosemary Oil Strengthening Hair and Scalp Drops. For Washing my hair I suffer from sebaceous dermatitis which causes scaliness. Paradoxically my scalp is so oily which is what triggers the ezcema and develops the dry patches. Reversing my PCOS symptoms fixed this but what also helped was the Nizoral shampoo with 1% Ketoconazole. It's harsh so I do it once to twice a month at most and I always follow up with a moisturizing shampoo, and of course finish with a wash out conditioner & leave in conditioner.
Hair Retention: This is the info we all know about preventing breakage but I'll include just in case. Hair growth happens in the scalp like said before but to retain that growth it's important to wear protective hairstyles (especially while asleep), a silk/satin bonnet or wrap, silk/satin pillowcase, do not let your hair air dry at night. There is debate about this but I've seen hair specialists and scientists say our hair is especially fragile when wet (especially curly/kinky hair). Therefore, we are much more prone to snags and breakage while our hair is wet. So going to bed make sure your hair is dried. If you're air drying your hair during the day try not to touch it too much - as little manipulation as possible. Personally choose to diffuse/blow dry my hair and this has prevented most of the breakage I was previously experiencing. Lastly, moisturize and oil your ends. I won't pretend like I know which order is best or even if it's important but I've found that using hair moisturizediluted leave in conditioner then hair oil works best for me.
Hirsutism/Facial Hair: Spearmint essential oil. I add 1-2 drops of the oil to my moisturizer each time I put on my moisturizer and it helped A LOT with reducing my facial hair. I also drink a lot of spearmint tea. Spearmint specifically has been proven to lower androgen/testosterone levels which is why it helps. I also took supplements which I'll include at the end because they served multiple purposes. Be sure not to add the oil to the entire bottle because that will ruin your moisturizer's formula. Just add the drops in your palm/finger tips and mix in your face cream each time you moisturize your jawline, chin, underneck. Also, do this after moisturizing the upper part of your face without the oil because it's harsh and the scent can be irritating to your eye area.
Body hair: Personally I sugar wax my arms and legs, the hair has grown back so thin now. I make it myself and follow tutorials from abetweene on youtube.
Hair colouHairstyle: This will depend on your face shape and color season. I'm a dark winter colour season and I have a heart face shape. I used the Dressika app to discover my color season before I could afford to get myself professionally assessed and I got the same results. Just be sure to use natural lighting, like by a window. Once you have your colour season you can choose hair colours that work best for you (although natural almost always works best). For my hairstyle I try to choose styles that compliment my heart shaped face. I used the youtube channel Dear Peachie to help me with figuring this out.

Style

I think most of us know about Kibbe and colour seasons. This was how I upgraded my wardrobe. I'm a soft dramatic so I wear things that work for my tall height and accentuate my waist.
This was the game changer with colour seasons. Most of us know about our true seasons, but it can get restrictive. Sister seasons and colour dissonance is also helpful to know.
My colour season is dark winter, so my sister seasons would be dark autumn and true winter. Thid gives me more wiggle room to style myself.
Dissonance are colours that are outside your true season and your sister seasons, you sprinke this in to add interest. Think of an outfit that is extremely matchy and cohesive but has that one accessory or item that stands out and adds interest. It's really fun in art and in fashion.
For my shoes I've started wearing dancing heels which help my flat feet lol and look stylish. Heel insoles help too, as well as the product Shoe Gummi. I still can't last more than 2, 3 hours at most but it's definitely bearable compared to before.
Matching pajamas and loungewear. You just feel so luxurious dressing up at home and they can (should) be comfy :)
Accessories:

• I wear glasses that work with my heart shaped face.
• I have a neutral leaning warm undertone so I wear gold jewelry, if I wear pearls or other gem stones I mix in gold to provide more harmony with my skin.
• Perfume, wear what works with your body chemistry. Some smell delictable on people I know and icky on me, and vice versa. Wear what works for you.
• Nails, press ons. So convenient, so cheap.
• Hair accessories, bows, barretes, clips, scrunchies, a ribbon, you could be wearing jeans and a t shirt but a simple hair accessory upgrades the look automatically.

Makeup

I used the youtube channel Dear Peachie to help me with finding eye looks, brows, blush placement for my face shape
I have a low visual weight face and I am a romantic ingenue, because of this I go for more subtle looks that emphasis two facial features maximum at a time (eyes, lips, cheeks).
Don't get me wrong I love glam bold makeup but soft and subtle makes me glow, I turn heads when my makeup is done like this.

Teeth

• Wax free floss (Cocofloss $10 expensive but I love it 😅, Burst black floss, Moon graphite floss, Twice floss, Dr. Jen’s silk floss)
• Oil pulling (coconut oil with clove & tea tree oil, or Guru Nanda oil pulling product)
• Brush teeth
• Tongue scraper (not everyday, couple of times a week and not too hard)
• Alcohol free mouthwash (TheraBreath)
• More so related to my lip area but I try to use wrinkle preventing straws or when I do use regular straws, I place it on the side of my mouth. The reason this works is because puckering the lips excessively causes smokers lines/wrinkles around the mouth.

Skin

Skincare. This was something that took me a while to work on because of my PCOS, age, weight and etc.
Facial Care: The basics includes chemical exfoliation, retinol, moisturizerecover. I cycle my nightly skincare routine with this in mind and always keep the same morning routine. Mornings look like this (Jojoba oil to help while I use my gua sha, Water based cleanser, eye cream, vitamin c/peptide serum, moisturizer with a drop or two of glycerin, spearmint oil mixed with face cream on the jawline & neck area, finish with sunscreen).
My nights I alternate these routines in this order
Night 1 - Chemical Exfoliation (Oil cleanser to help while I use my gua sha, Water based cleanser, eye cream, glycolic/lactic acid, moisturizer with a drop or two of glycerin, spearmint oil mixed with face cream on the jawline & neck area, castor oil on lashes and brows)
Night 2 - Retinol (Oil cleanser to help while I use my gua sha, Water based cleanser, eye cream, retinol, moisturizer, spearmint oil mixed with face cream on the jawline & neck area, castor oil on lashes and brows)
Night 3 - MoisturizeRecovery (Oil cleanser to help while I use my gua sha, Water based cleanser, eye cream, retinol, moisturizer with a drop or two of glycerin, rosehip oil as sealant on entire face, spearmint oil mixed with face cream on the jawline & neck area, castor oil on lashes and brows)
Repeat Night 1 - 3 (sometimes I need more days to recover if my skin is sensitive or acting up, do what works for you personally)
Other things that I've done/used to help: red light therapy (helps with both hair growth, so I use it on my scalp, and with stretch marks so I use it on my face and body), Microcurrent device (helps with collagen production and stretchmarks) - I use the brand NuFace & NuBody, Volufiline (a skin serum I mix with eye cream that helps with hollowness under the eyes, Kigelia Africana Skin Cream (I use the brand Maelys B-Perky which contains this ingredient and helped to tighten my chest area and my loose skin on the area), face yoga and myo fascia face massage, these help with the tautness of my face (basically everything else helps with wrinkles, these exercises and the microcurrent helps and prevents, sagging especially jowls). I follow tutorials I search for from youtube.
Body Care: Similar to facial care body care includes exfoliation, retinol, moisturizerecover
Night 1 - Physical Exfoliation (Dry brush/Body Scrub, Hydrating lotion with a few drops of glycerin, rosehip oil as sealant on entire body)
Night 2 - Retinol (Jojoba oil to help while I use my gua sha, retinol body wash, retinol body lotion)
Night 3 - MoisturizeRecovery (Jojoba oil to help while I use my gua sha, Hydrating lotion with a few drops of glycerin, rosehip oil as sealant on entire body)
Again, repeat Night 1 - 3 use more days for recovery if needed
Stretch marks/loose skin: Whether due to weight gain, pregnancy, etc. we can't ever truly get rid of loose skin or stretch marks but moisturizing the skin and derma rolling can help with the appearance. Especially derma rolling. Do NOT derma roll while pregnant but you can do so after when you’ve recovered and talk to your doctor (if you've had a c section you have to wait before derma rolling). I used this video as motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChG8aSvEU6A
For the body I never went beyond 1.5mm it worked for my deepest stretch marks. If this is too aggressive 1.0mm still works just as well. Make sure you use 70% alcohol as this is what experts say is better at disinfecting. It has more water, which helps it to dissolve more slowly, penetrate cells, and kill bacteria. The disinfecting power of rubbing alcohol drops at concentrations higher than 80%-85%. Make sure you disinfect the derma roller before and after use, and make sure you disinfect your area of contact before rolling as well. Do not do heavy workouts workout or sweat inducing activities for at least 3 days after and avoid harsh products.
I started derma rolling while working on losing weight (at the beginning of my journey while still obese) and continued a year after losing 130lbs. Derma rolling works by causing micro tears, the skin heals the area and in the process of doing so develops more collagen - leading to thicker skin, lighter stretch marks and tighter skin. Since I did this before losing the weight it helped my skin adapt a lot. I won't pretend like I have 0 loose skin or stretch marks but it's barely visible. Someone has to be intimately close to notice. Obviously genetics, how slowly you lose the weight, diet, and moisturizing the skin helps but my PCOS contributed to low collagen (thin skin) and so the derma rolling really helped.

Weight loss vs Fat loss

Tons of info here but I promise if you read through it helps to know this stuff.
Weightloss comes down to calories in versus calories out. I know that's rudely simpliflied and not that easy, but it truly is the answer to weightloss (which may be fat, water, or muscle). This is why people can eat barely nothing, lose weight but their shape stays the same (basically skinny fat). It's also why fasting or going low carb works so fast (water weight is the first to go).
Fatloss on the other hand is more complicated. This involves our TDEE (Total Daily Energy Expenditure).
TDEE includes: Resting/Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), Metabolic Equivalent of Task or Exercise activity thermogenesis (EAT), Non-exercise activity thermogenesis (NEAT), Thermic Effect of Food (TEF), and Adaptive Thermogenesis (AT).
BMR (~70% daily energy) the energy taken to exist, so tasks like breathing. Your sex, body composition (muscle to fat ratio), age, and genetics play a role in this EAT (~5% daily energy) the energy taken for exercise weight lifting, swimming, high intensity walks, etc. NEAT (~15% daily energy) the energy taken for non exercise movements like walking, fidgeting, showering, standing, etc TEF (~10% daily energy depending on the macronutrients of your meal) the energy taken to digest, protein has the highest TEF of all the macronutrients, Carbs have a TEF of around 5-10%, while Fats have the lowest TEF, around 0-3%.
Adaptive Thermogenesis (AT) is the changes in energy expenditure (energy used) that occur in response to changes in energy balance. For example when you eat more food than you need, your body may increase energy expenditure to prevent weight gain eg. move more, eat less the next day, etc.. On the other hand, when you eat less food than you need, your body may decrease energy expenditure to conserve energy and prevent weight loss eg. less movement, eat more the next day.
Other things that affect AT include diet composition (eg high/low protein, high/low carb, calorie dense foods, etc), physical activity (eg. weights vs. cardio), and environmental factors such as temperature and altitude.
Things that influence AT can make weight management challenging, as it can lead to plateaus or rebounds in weight loss efforts. This is why lack of sleep, hormonal issues, aging, etc. makes weightloss harder.
Here is a clearer example of this
Things that affect calories in:

• 8-9 Hours of sleep (Maintains metabolic homeostasis, insulin sensitivity, hormonal processes). Compromised sleep lead to:
  • Increased Gherlin (hunger hormone - feeling hungrier & therefor eating more)
  • Decreased Leptin (sensation of satiety - needing to eat more to feel full)
• Insulin resistance: This is when the cells in your muscles, fat, and liver don't respond well to insulin and can't easily take up glucose from your blood. This results in excessive sugar in the blood & as a result the body produces more insulin in order to try to help the cells obtain the energy from glucose. This leads to weight gain as the insulin increases hunger. Also, since the body is insulin resistant, the excess glucose is converted to fat for long-term storage.
  • Things that can cause insulin resistance: PCOS, Inactivity/sedentary lifestyle, family history of diabetes, gestational diabetes, hypertension, alcohol abuse, poor sleep habits, high cholesterol levels, metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular disease, high bodyweight, acromegaly

Things that affect calories out:

• Body Composition (Fat to muscle ratio)
• Gut health
• Compromised sleep affects our energy levels which leads to
  • Decreased NEAT (Non exercise activity thermogenesis)
• Hypothyroidism (lowered levels of T3 and T4)
  • Thyroid hormones T3 and T4 affects every cell and all the organs in your body by regulating the rate at which your body uses calories/energy which is known as our bmr, meaning this affects your metabolic rate.
• Too few calories lowers daily NEAT
  • By eating below your BMI (calories needed to perform basic biological processes), your body makes up for this through energy conservation by lowering your NEAT (non exercise activity thermogenesis). Basically you lack the energy to perform your normal daily activities. This also affects your body composition and cardio health as you become sedentary (stop moving as much).

Healthy Fat loss

So to lose fat in a healthy way you need to:

1. Get enough sleep (8-9 hours per night)
2. Manage your stress levels/nervous system regulation
3. Look after your gut health
4. Manage inflammation
5. Increase your daily steps (8-10k per day)
6. Weight lift
7. Eat high protein (protein takes the most amount of energy to digest).
8. Manage your insulin resistence
9. Eat in a caloric deficit (make sure your calories in do not exceed calories out).

Futher information about the bold items in the list is included below. Also, I know this all seems overwhelming but keep in mind you are creating a lifestyle change. This is not a quick fix.
To manage your insulin resistance (info from the book Glucose Goddess by Jessie Inchauspé):

• Eat within an hour of waking up
• Protein with breakfast
• Tablespoon of apple cider vinegar before each meal (diluted in a glass of water)
• Eat foods in this order, veggies -> protein -> fat -> starches -> carbs -> sugar
• Never eat sweets/dessert/carbs on an empty stomach (dessert after dinner)
• Keep refined carbs and added sugar at a minimum.
• Minimize alcohol intake
• Try to minimize sodas, fruit juice and sweet drinks (this is because there is no fiber to help with the glucose spike or at least try to have these drinks after eating something fiberous)
• Only eat fruit whole, not transformed eg. eat the orange instead of having the orange juice, again fiber makes a world of a difference
• Put clothing on your carbs. Eg. have protein/fats/fiber with your carbs
• A short walk after carb heavy meals
• Fasting - this is controversial and I should add a disclaimer, if you in any way shape or form have or had an eating disorder, especially restrictive eating, I highly recommend against fasting. Intermittent fasting has a lot of studies out there that were done on men. The book Fast Like a Girl by Dr. Mindy Pelz includes a nuanced view of fasting that takes into account our hormones and our monthly cycle. She also has a free app 'Fast like a girl', you log your period and it tells you how long to fast. However, bioindividuality is key here, genetics, etc. Please if you are considering fasting make sure you get bloodwork done first. Manage your electrolyte levels, do not neglect iron and protein levels. Personally, I prefer using the other methods since fasting can also inadvertently worsens insulin resistence due to increased stress/cortisol which cause higher hunger cues. Some with insulin resistence found fasting to be helpful. So make sure you do what works for you and always consult your doctor.
• Supplements:
  • Vitamin D paired with Vitamin K1 & K2
  • Magnesium Biglycinate (I take this before bed)
  • Omega-3 Fatty Acids
  • Turmeric
  • Coenzyme 10 (Take with Clomid & Vitamin E)
  • N-Acetylcysteine (NAC)
  • Inositol
  • Zinc (Important to Note: It works inversely with testosterone - raises testosterone if your levels are low and lowers it if your levels are high)

To eat in a caloric deficit, calculate your TDEE and subtract 200-500 calories from that number. I like using this calculator. https://tdeecalculator.net
Eg. If it's calculated to be 2000 calories, you subtract 200, so 1800 should be your daily calorie intake. For the activity levels make sure you do not oversell yourself. Here is a general guide:

• Sedentary: Office job sat all day or less than 3000 steps per day
• Lightly Active: Exercise 1-3 times per week or 3-10k steps daily (up to 3-4 miles daily)
• Moderately Active: Exercise 3-5 times per week or 10-15k steps daily (up to 4-7 miles daily)
• Highly Active: Hard exercise 6-7 training days per week or 15-20k steps daily (up to 7-10 miles daily)
• Extremely Active: Intense daily exercise/hard physical labour 7 days a week or 25k+ steps daily (up to 10 miles daily)

As you lose weight your body adapts so after a while you may need to recalculate your TDEE and deficit. Once you are at your ideal weight, you no longer subtract the 200-500, you simply eat the TDEE amount to maintain but you do this gradually. After I lost the weight I came out of the deficit by adding 50 calories to my daily intake per week, till I was at maintenance/my TDEE. This prevented me from gaining fat or water weight.
Lastly, muscle mass (increase in muscle raises your metabolic level, meaning you burn more calories at rest). This is ideal and is also how you'll see someone who is short, seemingly small but weigh more than you imagined. Muscle density weighs more than fat. Think of a 50 pound dumbbell versus 50 pounds of feathers, you would need a whole lot of feathers to match the weight. Same difference, you need a larger volume of fat to equal to the same amount of muscle. Therefore, lifting weights is ideal because you will become more toned, burn more calories at rest, be able to eat more even when you've lost the weight to maintain your phisique, you'll be more insulin sensitive, and you will have stronger and higher bone density (really important for women, we lose up to 5% of muscle mass per decade after the age of 30).

Body Recompositon: Weightlifting for health (and aesthetics), lose fat & gain muscle

It is possible to gain muscle and lose fat at the same time. I followed Huskular Goddess and and LexiiGettingFit for inspiration and they were really the ones that opened my eyes to the concept of body recomposition (gain musle while losing fat).
The benefits of this is as you're getting smaller your TDEE is increasing. This means by the time you lose the weight you'll still be eating an adequate amount. The other benefits include insulin sensitivity versus insulin resistence, higher metabolism, and a improved body composition like I mentioned before in the dummbell versus feather example. The downside is the number on the scale won't have a dramatic shift while your clothes will be fitting looser. Again, weight density plays tricks on us and it's easy to get caught up in body dismorphia but I promise it works.
In order to sustain and build muscle while losing fat, you need to be consuming enough protein while remaining in a caloric deficit. So 60-80g of protein per day minimum to lose 1-2lbs per week. Ideally it should be 0.8-1g of per pound of lean body mass. Eg, someone is 300lbs and they want to get down to 150lbs. They would eat 120-150g of protein per day. If this is too much, try to get at least 60-80g like I mentioned before. Remember even though 1-2lbs per week sounds small, the changes are significant because of the muscle gained. You will look and feel smaller.
Weightlifting for a rounder booty (I reshaped my glutes by weightlifting. Hormones can actually affect the shape and my PCOS did a number on me. I developed a V shape over the years. Round, square, heart, A shapes are all based on your bone structure and fat placement. Some of us just have those stubborn fat deposits in certain areas that are genetic, even when we lose the weight, it's a smaller version but the same shape. V shape on the other hand is largely seen in older women post menopause and in younger women with hormonal disorders. This is becuase the hormonal imbalances also causes muscle imbalances. Regulating your hormones helps but it won't grow the muscles for you, so I used Fit With Emely's glute guide based on your glute shape (completely free, I watched all her videos to get this info and it took me two years to go from a V shape to a round shape.
Here is the guideline for each shape:
Glute Maximus - Everyone should be working on glute maximus. It builds the shelf and overall size. Step ups (all variations), hip thrusts (all variations), lunges, rdl, leg press, all squat variations Glute Minimus - (V and Square shapes), this muscle fills in the middle between the top and lower glute. Hip abduction, single leg bridge, Standing hip abduction/cable raises Gute Medius - (Heart, Round, and A-shaped) this muscles builds a longer hip for top portion of the glutes. Eg. Single leg squat, Single leg deadlift, Cable clamshells, Reverse lung, step ups Underbutt - Everyone should be working on underbutt but this is especially useful for V shaped folks. It works the hamstrings and lower portion of glutes. Good mornings, single leg rdl (also works minimus), single leg hip thrust (also works maximus), hip abductors (also works minimus)
How to structure workout:

• Warm up/Dynamic Stretches (specific to the muscle group you're working eg. lower body warm up or upper body warm up, etc.)
• Compound exercises (2-3 exercises eg. single leg rdl, good mornings, leg press - for each exercise you do 3-4 sets, 8-12 reps, with 3-4 minute rest between sets). That probably sounds like a foreign language to some, so for instance:
  • Start excercise 1
  • Set 1 (repeat exercise 1 - rdl 8 times)
  • 3 minute rest
  • Set 2 (repeat exercise 1 - rdl 8 times)
  • 3 minute rest
  • Set 3 (repeat exercise 1 - rdl 8 times)
  • Move on to exercise 2
  • Set 1 (repeat exercise 2 - leg press 8 times)
  • 3 minute rest
  • Set 2 (repeat exercise 2 - leg press 8 times)
  • 3 minute rest
  • Set 3 (repeat exercise 2 - leg press 8 times)
  • Move on to exercise 3
  • Set 1 (repeat exercise 3 - good mornings 8 times)
  • 3 minute rest
  • Set 2 (repeat exercise 3 - good mornings 8 times)
  • 3 minute rest
  • Set 3 (repeat exercise 3 - good mornings 8 times)
• Secondary Workouts (2-3 exercises eg. step ups, bulgarian split squats, lunges - for each exercise you do 3-4 sets, 8-12 reps, with 3-4 minute rest between sets)
• Isolated/Accessory Movements: these exercises work one part of the muscle more than others, for example an overbias on the underbutt/hamstring like I mentioned before to help with the V shape ( eg. hip abductors, kickbacks, glute bridge, lying leg raises, etc. (1-2 exercises high repetitions, low weight 2-3 sets, 15-20 reps, 1-2 minute rest between sets)
• Static stretch/cool down (specific to the muscle group you're working eg. lower body cool down or upper body cool down, etc.)

Keep in mind that you only need to work on a muscle group 2-3 times a week. So I only do glutes Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Also keep in mind while I work the lower body I am also working my upper body (eg. while doing rdls I am lifting the weight with my upper body), which is why I don't have tailered upper body days, this is for aesthetic reasons, and because weightlifting more than 3 days per week is not feasible with my PCOS.
My full routine is:

• Monday- lower body
• Tuesday - Pilates/core
• Wednesday - Rest (I still go for walks on these days)
• Thursday - lower body
• Friday - Pilates/core
• Saturday - lower body
• Sunday - Rest (I still go for walks on these days)

I also used primarily resistance bands in the beginning because gym equipment intimidated me (not anymore :) ). I started with 25lb resistance and went up to 125lbs. I use the product BandBar which allowed me to use the resistance bands like a barbell at home. This isn’t the only option and you can definitely buy resistance bands and do it without the bar. BandBar
For the ab separation from being obese, I did this workout 3 times a week (also helpful post pregnancy): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smiGsW-mQX0
For my chest to help with getting perkier boobs (the derma rolling was what made the biggest difference, but this exercise helped as well though it took 6+ months for the changes to be significant. Women tend to take longer to grow chest muscles): https://youtu.be/hg7_R29jGIE?feature=shared
I also did workouts to help with my posture and mobility 3 times a week (any I could find online)
The last thing I will say is be mindful that you may gain weight initially when you start lifting weights. This is due to slight inflammation/water gain from foreign tension, which will last about a month or two before you adapt BUT your body will adapt, I promise. Keep in mind if it's days before your period or if you are on your period. It's not if, but when, our weight fluctuates. As long as you are in a deficit and doing everything right, the number will go down. Do not get discouraged!!!
Here is the edit to this post which includes my supplements, how I managed my inflammation, and how I improved my gut health. I also edited the information I shared prior to include a few more tips and lifestyle changes I made, and included a few more details. I also rearranged things so there is a separation between style/haiskin and health information. The post is getting really long so I may create a separate post for personal development/mindset tips.

Inflammation

In my case my inflammation was caused by my PCOS, insulin resistence and my obesity, but it can be caused by chronic stress, other autoimmune disorders like IBS, Crohn's disease, etc, smoking/alcohol, age related diseases, environmental toxins, diets high in processed foods, sugars, trans fats & high omega-6 fatty acids.
In my case the inflammation from the PCOS led to gut inflammation due to the high levels of coritsal (stress hormones) in reaction to the high testosterone and insulin resistence. I also experienced metabolic inflammation (non alcoholic fatty liver disease), skin inflammation (as I mentioned earlier the ezcema on my scalp, alopecia, and hirsutism), adipose tissue inflammation, chronic low grade inflammation (this led to edema or fuid retention -> insulin resistance and my high testosteron/androgen levels also exacerbated this).
To fix this these were the thin I added to my life:

• Dry brushing 2-3 times a week
• Body Gua sha
• Face Gua Sha or Face Yoga or Myofascial Massage
• Jump Rope
• Trampoline/Rebounder
• Vibration Plate (very useful for after a workout or while sitting down)
• Acupressure mat
• Arvigo (Mayan Abdominal massage) & Lymphatic drainage massage
• Leg elevation, I sleep with a pillow under my knees. In the evenings I keep my legs up.
• Massages
• Sweat more (exercise/sauna/steam room)
• Portable Infrared Sauna (reduce cortisol by 25%)
• Microcurrent
• Compression socks
• Castor oil pack 3-4x per week
• Eliminate inflammatory triggers (mine were gluten & dairy)
  • Switch to sourdough
  • Eliminate seed oils
  • Avoid alcohol & smoking
• Supplements
  • Vitamin D paired with Vitamin K1 & K2
  • Magnesium Biglycinate (I take this before bed)
  • Omega-3 Fatty Acids
  • Turmeric
  • Coenzyme 10 (Take with Clomid & Vitamin E)
  • N-Acetylcysteine (NAC)
• Teas that helped
  • Turmeric
  • Red Rasberru Leaf Tea
  • Fennel
  • Chamomile

Gut Health

Your microbiota needs the right bacteria in the right amount to perform its hormone regulating functions properly. When the type or number of bacteria gets disturbed by events such as stress, or poor diet, or your gut can no longer accomplish its job meaning you'll have inflammation, increased risk of chronic disease, skin conditions, mental health issues, weakened immune system, nutrient absorprion problems, and weight management challenges.
For weight loss issues, gut microbiomes influence hormones in producing and signaling leptin and ghrelin (these hormones regulate hunger and fullness signals). Inflammation and insulin resistence is also associated with gut health problems as mentioned before. Energy extraction from foods, certain gut bacteria are more efficient at extracting energy from food, particularly carbohydrates. When there is an imbalance, more calories can be absorbed from food leading to difficulties gaining or losing weight.
Things I did to improve gut health/intestinal permeability:

• Ate foods rich in digestive enzymes (mangoes, pineapple, etc.)
• Pre and probiotics (incorporate bifidobacterium and lactobacillus)
  • Favorite brand: Seed Heath Probiotics
• Pickles (without vinegar): Great source of prebiotics
• Apple Cider VinegaKimchi/Kombucha/Sauerkraut
  • Beware of certain types of vinegar contain chemicals which kill bacteria, “the good bacteria”, and leave the yeast Candida albicans alone.
  • Raw apple cider vinegar contains: Natural probiotics (friendly bacteria), which may help with your immune system and gut health.
    • Tablespoon of apple cider vinegar (diluted in a glass of water) before each meal
  • Balsamic vinegar: Acetic acid is the active compound in balsamic vinegar. This acid contains strains of probiotics that aid digestion. The probiotics found in acetic acid can help promote good gut health and digestion while supporting overall immune function.
• Raw Carrots (has the type of fiber that binds and flushes out toxins in gut, good to have as daily hormone & digestion support)
• Limit Processed foods and Sugar
• No drinking or smoking
• Stress managment (which I'll expand on just below)
• Increase fiber intake
• Regularly exercise
• Supplements
  • Ginger
  • L-Glutamine
  • Olive leaf extract (especially helpful if you have candida overgrowth)
  • Turmereric
• Teas
  • Ginger
  • Lemon Balm

Lower androgens/testosterone

• Teas
  • Nettle Tea
  • Spearmint tea
• Spearmint oil topically for hirsutism
• Supplements
  • Schisandra (adaptogen - stress management & hormone balance)
  • Saffron (Also helps reduce testosterone, lower blood pressure and prevents bad cholesterol)
  • Inositol
  • Holy Basil
  • Magnesium Biglycinate (I take this before bed)
  • Omega-3 Fatty Acids
  • Coenzyme 10 (Take with Clomid & Vitamin E)
  • Zinc (Important to Note: It works inversely with testosterone - raises testosterone if your levels are low and lowers it if your levels are high)

Nervous System Regulation/ Stress Management

Stress is one of the things that age us the most, and people with PCOS already have higher levels of cortisol so these are the things I do to manage my stress levels:

• Regulate circadian rhythm, direct sunlight upon waking up. I use a sunrise alarm clock lamp for this
• Same bedtime everynight (pre midnight)
• Invert screen colors at bedtime (red filter on screens)
• Pillow under knees
• No loud alarms
• Magnesium biglycinate supplement before bed
• Regulate circadian rhythm, view the sunset before bed. I use a sunrise alarm clock lamp for this
• Spend a few minutes breathing through left nostril only
• Epsom salt foot soak
• Journal
• Get back to using my coloring books (I even invested in alcohol based markers it's so fun). Regulates me and gets me in touch with my inner child
• Time with friends, my puppy, and my family
• Supplements
  • Holy Basil (adaptogen - stress management & hormonal balance)
  • L-Theanine
  • Magnesium biglycinate
• Teas
  • Red raspberry leaf (adaptogen - stress management, also good for menstrual cramps)
  • Reishi Mushroom
  • Lemon Balm
• Night time mocktail (have after dinner and not on an empty stomach due to the sugar levels in the tart cherry)
  • Teaspoon of tart cherry (high levels of melatonin)
  • Magnesium biglycinate powder
  • Probiotic soda (good for gut health)

Tea cycling

• On your period
  • Nettle leaf: Increase iron levels
  • Moringa: Increase iron levels
  • Red Raspberry leaf: Helps with period cramps (best to drink throughout the month, especially at the end of the luteal phase
  • Chamomile: Helps with wellness wind down routine when you're feeling extra tired
• Follicular phase
  • Focus teas: Peppermint, Spearmint
  • Adaptogens: Lion's mane, Adaptogen latte, and Chaga mushroom
  • Detox: Dandelion Root
• Ovulation phase
  • Detox: Dandelion root tea
  • Bloating: turmeric tea latte/golden latte
  • Estrogen dominance - symptoms (bad hormonal migraines, hot flashes, nausea): Schisandra berry, Lemon balm
• Luteal phase
  • PMS symptoms: Raspberry leaf, Schisandra berry, Ginger root (powder or tea)

The best teas for PCOS

• Spearmint
  • For reducing androgens & lowering hirsutism (facial hair)
• Cinnamon tea (improves insulin sensitivity)
• Chamomile tea (Adaptogen)
• Nettle Tea (reduce androgens)
• Red raspberry leaf (adaptogen/stress relief, also good for menstrual cramps)
• Schisandra (adaptogen/stress relief & hormone balance)
• Saffron (Also helps reduce testosterone, lower blood pressure and prevents bad cholesterol)
• Ginger (ginger offers anti-inflammatory, fertility and hormone-balancing benefits, aides digestion )

Seed Cycling

What is seed cycling? Seed cycling refers to the consumption of specific seeds at different times of the month in order to improve the production and levels of sex hormones, specifically estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone.
Seed cycling divides the female menstrual cycle into two parts:

1. During the first half of the menstrual cycle, or days 1 through 14, seed cycling encourages daily consumption of flax and pumpkin seeds.
2. During the second half of the menstrual cycle, or days 15 through 28, seed cycling encourages daily consumption of sunflower and sesame seeds

Results from seed cycling will not happen overnight. Normally women observe improvements after approximately three months of seed cycling adherence. It took me about 4ish months.
The Benefits of Seed Cycling: Support hormonal balance, alleviate PMS symptoms, decrease hormonal acne, alter irregularity of menstrual cycles, and fight stomach bloating and fatigue.

We have heard this often repeated statement throughout our lives, yet many of us fall short of attaining a true understanding of its meaning. This pains me, and it should pain you as well, as this is the most fundamental building block of your guitar skills. So why, tell me, do we hear this advice, internalize it as a commentary on technique, and then cast it aside? In this article, I will be exploring the actual intention of the saying “tone is in the fingers”.
When one discusses where tone comes from in an amp, a guitar, or a pedal, the conversation focuses on the physical components that make up the object. We do not say “This amp’s tone comes from its settings,” and end our examination there. Nor do we say “This guitar’s tone changes based on the pickup being used,” then call it a day. In the analysis of our equipment’s tone, we discuss cathodes, resistors, circuits, magnets, wiring, tubes, scale lengths, wood used, construction, size, and an endless amount of minute details that assemble the tone of the equipment.
This is why I propose we re-examine some of the detrimental advice we carelessly dish out to new guitarists.
“Wash your hands before playing.”
“Wipe down your guitar after use.”
“Clean your fretboard when you change strings.”
And even worse, “Change your strings.”
How can the guitar community ignore the key aspect of WHY tone is in the fingers? Your unique sound comes from the garlic bread, Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos, and ass sweat (for example) that builds up on your fingers throughout the day, and subsequently on your guitar throughout the years. Throughout one’s life, a unique grime and colony builds up on our fingers and is then transferred to our guitar’s fretboard, neck, bridge, and strings. To rid our hands and guitar of this is equivalent to burning down a national preserve, or dumping nuclear waste into a coral reef. A guitar that teems with the life we give it from our unwashed hands is a biome of tone that cannot be replicated or imitated
In closing, I urge you to begin exploring the differences your unique biological signature can leave on your guitar, and STOP washing your hands. Perhaps we may also start researching what some of our Guitar Hero’s hand habits were. If we know everywhere their hands have been, we may unlock that final piece of their tone puzzle. Despite the fact that he didn’t often play guitar, I for one think we should start with examining Steven Tyler. Perhaps when we find out where his hands have been, we could not only understand HIS guitar tone, but share our findings with authorities, and they can use this information to, build a tone library of sorts.
Thank you.

Adventure tourism Nepal - Unique Path Trekking & Expedition (nepaltrekkinginfo.com)

Conquer Your Dreams: Unveiling Nepal’s Adventure Paradise

Nestled amidst the colossal Himalayas, Nepal isn’t just a destination; it’s a portal to a hidden world where ancient traditions intertwine with heart-stopping hikes and tranquil explorations. This haven caters to every adventurer’s soul, from the seasoned trekker yearning to conquer mighty peaks to the curious explorer seeking cultural immersion.
Trekking Trails for Every Sole:

• Everest Base Camp Trek: Embark on the legendary journey to the foot of the mighty Everest. Witness the colossal Khumbu Icefall, a testament to the raw power of nature, and be humbled by the breathtaking panoramas that unfold with every step. This trek demands good fitness but rewards you with a lifelong memory etched into your soul.
• Untamed Exploration: For seasoned adventurers, Nepal offers a treasure trove of off-the-beaten-path treks. Consider the Manaslu Circuit Trek, a hidden gem encircled by towering peaks that offer a challenging yet rewarding adventure. The Kanchenjunga Base Camp Trek pushes your physical limits, while the Upper Mustang Trek delves into a unique culture untouched by time. Each adventure promises breathtaking landscapes, authentic villages nestled amidst the mountains, and unforgettable cultural immersions that will transform your perspective.

Fuel Your Adrenaline Fix:

• Mountain Biking: Nepal’s diverse terrain caters to all levels. Explore the bustling Kathmandu Valley on two wheels, weaving through ancient temples and vibrant markets. Conquer challenging mountain trails that test your endurance and reward you with panoramic vistas. Or, embark on a scenic countryside adventure, pedaling alongside emerald rice paddies and quaint villages.
• Zipline Through the Clouds: Experience the thrill of soaring above breathtaking gorges and valleys on a zipline adventure. Take flight and marvel at the majestic Himalayas sprawling beneath you, feeling the wind whip through your hair as you traverse through the heart of this awe-inspiring landscape.
• Nepal’s Bungee Nirvana: Experience the ultimate adrenaline rush with one of the world’s highest bungee jumps. Take the plunge over a raging river or a scenic valley, a heart-pounding experience guaranteed to leave you breathless and exhilarated.

Embrace the Power of Water:

• Rafting: Navigate the exhilarating rapids of Nepal’s numerous rivers. The Upper Seti River offers a thrilling white-water adventure, perfect for those seeking aquatic challenges. Paddle through churning waters, feel the spray on your face, and conquer the rapids with your team, forging memories that will last a lifetime.
• Kayaking Paradise: Nepal boasts tranquil havens like Phewa Lake, where you can glide across the glassy waters amidst a backdrop of snow-capped peaks. Explore the hidden coves nestled within Nepal’s national parks, encountering diverse wildlife and soaking in the serenity of nature.

Unveil the Hidden Gems:

• Helicopter Tours: Witness the awe-inspiring majesty of Mount Everest and the Himalayas from a whole new perspective. Embark on a breathtaking helicopter tour, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness the grandeur of the highest mountain range on Earth from above the clouds. Gaze upon the Khumbu Icefall, witness the colossal glaciers, and experience the sheer scale of the Himalayas in a way that will leave you speechless.

Beyond the Thrill:
Nepal offers more than just adrenaline-pumping adventures. Delve into the rich tapestry of ancient cultures. Explore ancient temples adorned with intricate carvings and prayer flags fluttering in the wind. Immerse yourself in vibrant festivals like Dashain, where the streets come alive with music, dance, and joyous celebrations. Experience the warmth and hospitality of the Nepali people, their smiles as welcoming as the breathtaking landscapes that surround them.
Crafting Your Dream Nepal Adventure:

• Plan Your Escape: Utilize trusted resources to craft your perfect Nepal adventure. Many reputable companies offer a variety of packages catering to different interests and fitness levels. Whether you’re a seasoned trekker or a curious explorer, there’s an adventure waiting for you in Nepal.
• Seasonal Magic: The ideal time to visit Nepal for trekking adventures typically falls between mid-September and mid-December. However, the perfect season can vary depending on the specific activity you choose. Spring offers vibrant wildflowers and pleasant temperatures, while winter unveils snow-clad peaks and a unique atmosphere.
• Embrace the Journey: Nepal’s treks can be physically demanding. Proper training and acclimatization are crucial for a safe and enjoyable experience. Listen to your body, respect the mountains, and hire experienced guides to ensure your adventure is as rewarding as it is exhilarating.

Hi! I’m headed to college in the fall and wanted a new guitar to bring with me. I’m going to buy an ME-90 to be a built in effects pedal and amp and now need to choice a good, cheap guitar to go with it. I’ve been looking at Harley Benton guitars because I’ve heard the quality is much better than you expect. Specifically the MAX Fusion signature. I also like pretty heavy metal so would a baritone guitar be a good investment, if so, what exactly qualifies as a baritone guitar, I believe it has to do with scale length but I’m not entirely sure. Thank you for your help!

I don't understand music very well.. but I play guitar. Today I was noodling and came up with a lovely sounding chord progression.
Cadd9 - Dm for a verse (clean, slight delay, some reverb), then a four finger G maybe as a bridge type thing. (Overdriven), then an E7 - F7 - C/G - Fmaj7/C chorus (heavier overdrive)
Now I don't know if they should all be played together, but sounded nice.
I'd like to play on a loop pedal and try a lead part over it, but no idea what key I'm even in ha ha.
Should I try F major pentatonic... Or C minor scale... No idea.

Firstly: I love this game, play it a lot, and look forward to its progression. Oi
K cool, now based on the overall community response, the re balancing of spawn weapons has not lead to a more enjoyable experience overall. Again based on community feedback, many changes "feel" like they're born of studying spreadsheets and tables, rather than their feel in game. Also, it seems like a lot of AH resources go into revisiting recent balancing decisions based on reception from the entire community at large post roll out. If true, I can't help but share my thoughts on a more efficient and possibly more enjoyable approach: Smoothness.
As is said in racing and many other fields, fast is slow, and smooth is fast. Two steps forward and one step back is slower than a consistent and intentional progression. Personally, I think it would be more enjoyable for AH to spend an extra 1-4 weeks per warbond smoothing out the patch changes, play testing weapons using discrete pockets of the community when possible (i.e. so as to not spoil large plot points), and squashing undemocratic bugs *prior* to rolling out the patches (obviously there are some unforeseen complications going fully live, but the point still stands).
Balancing by the numbers (which again, is an assumption the community is making about how AH is doing things, but I agree it feels this way) has it's role to play in building the foundations of a fun experience, but the finishing touches take time and testing. Truly one of the most impressive parts of this game is the way battles layer countless enemy types and abilities together, how that layering unfolds on a large scale, and how that translates to an individuals cinematic "hero" like experience in a squad. There are so variables playing out in the end experience that trying to push out a rebalance by the numbers is like trying to drive a car while only looking at the gauges, steering wheel, and pedals... you've gotta know what they're doing but if you don't look up you'll crash.
More resources should go into the end game experience before the final iteration goes live to everyone. A great and currently sore example is the Eruptor. The shrapnel-killing-divers issues could and should have been caught and addressed with play testing, and shows to me that it wasn't tested extensively enough to go live.
Only slightly related but I would love to see lore based explanations from AH for why certain rebalancing changes are happening, e.g. supply lines have been disrupted by recent enemy activity therefore weapons operate differently, with fun and interesting specifics. I'd eat that right up.
TL;DR I'd like to see AH take more time, formulate a way to playtest with the community where applicable, and bug fix so that big in game changes like new enemies, stratagems, warbonds and special mission types arrive smoother with less frequent rebalances... groundbreaking, I know.

Ordered the R9 wheel base, pedals wheel and table clamp two weeks ago now and do not seem to be getting anywhere with Abruzzi’s customer service email. I have received the wheel and clamp, wheel base and pedals on back order.
Been told they are expecting deliveries that never seemed to amount to anything with my follow up Email on Tuesday being ignored. Wondering if anyone else is having issues with back ordered product from Abruzzi and the time scale you had to wait?

This is my first hand account as the youngest of 3 daughters, with a loving, hardworking mom but lazy, narcissistic dad with anger management issues. It's going to be a long story, basically my whole life story, because I feel that sharing some of my experiences growing up, may help bring more context to the situation I'm in today. I'm also a certified banana (non-Chinese speaking Chinese), and do identify as a ABC: American Born Chinese.
Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to go out from my house except for friends' birthday parties, and to go to school (obviously). My dad was a sales manager, and my mom ran a retail shop selling bags up till I was in secondary school, after which she stopped to be a full time housewife. Honestly, I don't even know how she juggled all the responsibilities while I was in primary school, because she did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even took time to dress my sisters and me and help us with homework and studying, and spend time with us on weekends (which I now understand how precious weekends are as a working adult). Basically, my freedom was heavily restricted, and I learnt at a young age how to keep myself entertained and appreciate my own company (which did make me depressed sometimes to be honest, until I learnt to accept, appreciate, and love myself for me when I got much older).
My parents were always yelling when I was home from school, especially at night. I used to try to ignore it by focusing on studying, thinking that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to make a living on my own and things would be better then (yes, I was only in primary school when I thought these things). I recall now that I used to think that no one loved me, that I was so much younger than my sisters (8 years from the oldest, and 6 years from the second) because I was an accident and unwanted. I was a naughty child, used to run around the house and draw on the table legs with color pencils. My mom used to cane me to discipline me when I misbehaved, but I still loved her. Looking back, I realise I honestly have a lot to thank her for - that it does feel like she single-handedly raised me and my sisters.
I was never given any allowance, never bought any new toys or clothes or shoes, because everything I needed would be handed down from my sisters. I would resent this for most of my childhood of course, until I got old enough to understand this was to be frugal. But looking back, it went deeper than that - my mom wasn't really able to spend money without my dad's consent. So everything went through him - and he would never allow us to spend money unless it was really a necessity, or unless it was something HE wanted. And what he was most interested in at the time I was growing up, was tech stuff. TVs, surround sound speakers with subwoofers, iMacs and all. Now this, he would spend money on. But my mom, I don't recall seeing her buy things for herself much to be honest. He did buy us a lot of pirated computer games - but usually he'd try to pick something that was more educational - and I think he only did it because he was buying pirated VCDs anyway.
Side question: How common is it to get your first handphone at 18yo (Nokia, the model you could drop from the roof and still would work), if you were born in the 1990s? I feel like it was definitely earlier than my older sisters, but the reason for this is because I was selected for National Service, and my parents wanted to stay in contact with me so they got me a handphone (which ironically was confiscated at the camp and only returned to you on weekends, and signal at my camp was almost non-existent). I feel like in comparison with many of my friends, I was super late in getting a handphone and had a lot to make up for to catch up in understanding.
Fast-forwarding to secondary school - my dad would usually always be angry about something at home. Maybe he woke up late for work and blamed my mom for it. Maybe I didn't get good enough grades - even if I got 100, he'd somehow always find a way to say that I could have gotten higher (yes I know that sounds stupid but he honestly used to say these things, because I would almost consistently get 100 for English and Maths - yes I am a nerd). Or maybe it would just be the way we answered his questions. He has this pattern where if he asked you a question, and he didn't like your answer, he'd pretend he didn't hear it, and ask you again, almost in the exact same phrasing he did the first time. And he'd do it again. And again. And eventually when you run out of patience and answer him shortly, he'd burst out in anger, with his default phrase: "You don't know how to talk to people.". "You talk nicer to strangers, better than your own father.". For a long time, hearing these words being repeatedly yelled, screamed at you, by a loud, angry, male voice, did two things to me. One, I used to almost believe that I didn't know how to talk to people, that I WAS the problem, and not him. Two, till today, hearing raised male voices still scares and distresses me, I get nervous and really tense - which doesn't help because that's how Hokkien and Hakka sounds to me when people are just saying hello! (yea it doesn't sound like anything to me because I'm a banana).
I recall a time on a weekend, when I had woken up early to watch morning cartoons, and my dad was angry about something - my sister had been busy applying for university, and I think he didn't like that she didn't want to be a medical doctor - she was more interested in math or vet sciences. He had been yelling at her, and then proceeded to walk over to where I was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, stand over in front of me, bend down, and scream at my face saying "get out, get out of this house now!" - I swear I saw spit fly when he yelled at me. I was so afraid, so freaked out, that I later asked my mom if she thought one of the nice aunties from church would take me in if he really kicked me out.
How did I survive all this? I didn't even realise I was doing it, but I would try to spend as much free time as I could with friends - we'd talk on the phone for HOURS after school (mind you this was before we had cordless landline phones, so I would sit at the stairs, with my ear glued to the phone), and when I finally got to Form 6, I'd hang out after school with friends with cars, to malls, to the movies, to lunch, and my mom would sneak me some spare cash from her groceries budget so I could have a good time with friends. I had some really good friends that would sponsor me food/snacks too, whom I'll forever be indebted to, because no matter how cheap it was back then, it was still their allowance they were spending on a friend that couldn't pay them back.
Around this time, my dad lost his job - the management had changed, but if I recall how he was about his job, I don't think he was meeting his work KPIs as a sales manager either to be honest - and he was sacked. He fought it in court, and won money from it. This will become significant later on, but let's move on first.
Fast-forward to my turn to enter university, and I couldn't get in to medicine. I had tried, believe me - thinking that I liked biology enough, and that if I didn't, I could learn to love it - that my dad would love me more and treat me better if I did what he wanted, and go into medicine. But I couldn't make it - no scholarships wouldn't take me with my STPM 3.75 CGPA, not even for dentistry, because the competition was too tough with limited placements. I recall, my dad had opened a Maybank Yippie account under my name, and he applied to earn the rewards the bank offered for getting certain grades from PMR, SPM and STPM. When we got it, it went promptly into his own bank account under the justification that I didn't have my own bank account and he'd keep it for me until I did. Bro, you were controlling my Yippie account, and you had to close it once I finished STPM. You could have just opened an account immediately after that for me, but you didn't. That makes no sense, but ok, take it if that makes you happy.
I recall when I was applying to university through the UPU platform, I asked him for his advice, and he yelled at me to figure it out on my own. I wasn't sure what I could do honestly, because the whole time in secondary school, I only knew that he wanted me to go into medicine - I had no other frame of reference. My mom asked around among the neighbors, and found out that engineering was also a good field, and I did enjoy physics a lot more than biology, so I went into that. And my dad? Never did he once check on me - on what I was applying for, about school fees, nothing. My mom suggested I apply for PTPTN, that if I graduated with first class honors, I could convert it into a full scholarship, so I did that after exhausting all the other available scholarship options.
I think it was only in 2nd year of university that he found out I took Biomedical Engineering, and then he took an interest because there was some correlation to medicine - more on rehab science, but hey, I was taking classes in the attached hospital, so he was interested. Then he started to "show off" to relatives whenever they asked about it during CNY gatherings.
Anyway I think I've completely lost focus, so I'm gonna fast-forward. Today, I'm working a stable full-time job at a company I love working at - the people here are great and so supportive, and most of my social circle is from here today, with the exception of some close school friends I still keep in contact with.
Full lockdown in MCO was super tough for me. Being at home with my dad's constant yelling and anger issues, I seriously considered many times once lockdown was lifted, about moving out. I mentioned it to my mom, but she would always advise me not to, that it was too much financial strain on me and it wasn't safe to live by myself (you know, single girl, alone). Eventually, I realised, with lockdown lifted, I could escape our home, by going to the office. So I did. And I realised, that my mom was the more pitiful one because she couldn't escape as a full time housewife because my dad would restrict her freedom too - both inside and outside of the house. And for some reason, she accepted it. She clearly wasn't happy about it, but whenever I'd complain about my issues at home with her, her advice would be to not let it affect me and go out when I could. Honestly, I always wanted to ask her why she didn't just divorce my dad, but I was always too afraid to ask. So I let it be.
There were times when work was stressful, and because I had made work my escape from home, it was a toxic cycle for me, so much so that I had a few mental breakdowns at work, and did consider ending my life. But I got through it eventually after seeking counseling and talking to friends about my issues.
Have I mentioned my dad is a hoarder? He still has old VCRs of shows recorded from laser discs and satellite TV which we haven't touched in 20+ years, and probably will never use again. He still has an old Amiga computer in the storeroom that he never intends to set up, and also doesn't intend to sell - he just doesn't want to throw it away. Old pill boxes, old batteries - he insists to keep because he thinks he'll either need them again, or be able to use them somehow. Basically, the old house is so full of his junk that he's collected since I was young, that there's no space for the rest of us to really live. We're just, guests in his house, that have beds, places to put our clothes, and have to cook, clean, grocery shop, and pay for all the utilities, his car insurance, medical insurance, house insurance, and also give him an allowance. He complains about our cleaning too, even though he wouldn't ever clean himself. I found out from my sisters recently that he actually did complain about us not paying rent some time back, and this was AFTER they were already giving him a generous allowance every month (I had only just finished uni or started working? so they didn't tell me this). And he would continue to complain about this even after we started to pay for utilities and groceries. So eventually, they stopped giving him an allowance.
Another incident I want to share is about the family car. So we used to have a really old Proton Wira that we used as the family car since I was in primary school. About 20 years later, we still used it and it was the only available car I could take to drive to work. It wasn't very well maintained, but it got you from A to B, so for my first car, I wasn't complaining. Until, the gearbox started to have problems. I would send it to service many times, change the gearbox many times, and still, the gears would slip while driving - could be on a flat road while accelerating, and what especially worried me was when I was going up ramps or slopes, like when exiting basement parking, I had to have my hand on the handbrake at all times incase I started to fall backwards because I wasn't sure I could switch from accelerator to brake pedal quick enough. I told my dad about it every time, but he would just tell me off, saying I wasn't driving properly, and that there was nothing wrong with the car. I endured it for a couple years, until finally one day, I realised just how dangerous it was when I was leaving the parking with cars behind me, and I DID have to use pull the handbrake. So one day, I had enough, and I bought myself my own car with my own money. And guess what? When I went back home with it, what did my dad do? He yelled at me. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, he was 15. And then he yelled at my cousin who helped me to buy the car. He wasn't upset that I had gotten one without his consent, or that maybe I hadn't gotten the best deal on the car, no nothing like that. He was only upset, because I had spent my own money on myself, and that he insisted the old family car was perfectly fine. Well guess what? Eventually, he gave up on the car too, and asked *cough*forced*cough my cousin to buy it off from him, and apparently en route to the shop on the highway, the car broke down and had to be towed. And my dad never said a THING about it, ever. Makes me so mad just thinking about how selfish and irresponsible he was being, and how lucky I was that I had decided to get a car on my own. He was only curious about one thing - he asked me if I had gotten a bank loan for the car. I told him I borrowed money from my boss - when actually I had gotten a loan from my sister.
We're getting closer to present day, bear with me.
Last month, my house was being painted, with some other fixes being done like changing the roof gutters and house gate which were severely rusted over the 30+ years we lived in the house, never having been maintained ever since we moved in. It was actually my oldest sister's idea, being the "bread-winner" ever since my dad entered "forced retirement". She felt like it was a nice gesture and she had saved money to do it. She let my dad to pick the contractor so he'd be satisfied with the quality of the work, and that's when all hell broke loose.
From the day we agreed to the quotation (which was a really hefty sum), my dad wasn't happy about anything. He was always criticising the price, the quality of the materials, the workmanship of the painter and workmen, and even nitpicked that the contractor had "daddy issues". Funnily enough, it's my dad that has "daddy issues" himself because he likes to play the victim card after all these years saying that his father abandoning his family when he was young screwed him up. I'm sorry he went through that, but seriously, you're doing well now, and you're 66 fucking years old, could you grow up? Sorry, I digress. Honestly, my dad would just find ANYTHING to complain about, and he'd be angry and loud about it. Worse one I think was when he kept having the idea that the contractor should throw in some freebies for him, like hey, could you also paint this window for me, or fix this door for me, for free. Like as if materials are free and workmanship doesn't cost time and effort? I swear it's almost as if he's never worked a hard day's work in his life... Which I find contradicting considering how stingy he is with money...
The painting and house fixes took around 3 weeks in total - including power washing all the old paint off the walls, putting a few coats of primer, painting, and all the metal work. Also considering this was during puasa which was tough for the workers, and the weather was blistering hot in the afternoon and then heavy rain in the evenings. Through the whole thing, my sisters and I were busy at work, so who was left to manage at home were my parents. Or rather I should say, my mom. Because all my dad did, from day 1, is yell at the contractor. Saying he's not doing a good job, that he's so calculative because he wouldn't throw in some freebies like painting the window when we didn't ask for it in the quotation, or changing the color when he didn't like it, etc etc. Lies, they were all lies. The contractor knew exactly what he was doing, and it was really good work. We were all really happy with it. So my mom had to be peacemaker, try to calm down my dad, and apologize to the contractor on the side. Which is exhausting, because my dad was literally yelling in his face all the time! And he would eventually take it out on my mom because obviously it was no secret she was defending the contractor. I'm honestly super shocked he would act this way to a stranger. All my life he's always been so careful to only show his nasty side to us at home, and be charming outside to strangers. I guess being the "customer" went to his head?
All this took a really heavy toll on my mom. She's 64yo, and it was stressing her out so much to have my dad throwing his temper around all the time. If he didn't get his way with the contractor, he'd take it out on her. When I was home on weekends or before going to work in the mornings, she'd tell me how things were going, and they were just getting from bad to worse. She was getting more and more frail, more tired, losing her appetite, and not being able to sleep too.
Around 1-2 weeks in, realising things were getting way way out of control (who am I kidding, when was anything in my life with my dad ever in control? lol) - more importantly, my mom was suffering horribly from it - I reminded her that I considered a few times before about moving out. And that in the end, I decided not to only because she advised me not to. That I could escape to my office, but she couldn't, and that with my working hours and escapism, I hardly spent any time at home except to sleep (sometimes even choosing to shower at the office). So what was the point if she wasn't going to move out with me? So I stayed. But I told her this time, forget about financial worries, about anything else - and consider if she needs to get out of this situation. It's not worth being stuck in this at the cost of her own mental well being. I told her all this, to know these are options she could consider for herself, and left it at that. A couple days later, I went for an overseas trip with friends, and honestly, didn't think much of it.
A week later, I came back, and things felt the same. The painting was done, the gate was being installed, and the end of the hell seemed to be really close, like 1-2 days before everything would be completed. Another week later, I'm having lunch with my sisters and mom at home (dad not there because he had the habit of sleeping till 2pm ever since he "retired"). And I did NOT expect them to tell me they had all decided to move out, to leave my dad.
I was surprised, happy (like really happy), and also confused. So they explained that the turning point had come during the week that I was away, my dad's temper had gotten so bad, that he had almost hit my mom when he was yelling at her and the contractor outside the house. Luckily the contractor stepped in to stop him, and he snapped out of it, but it was enough to make my mom realise that after all these years, he is really never going to change, and that he could one day hurt her when no one else was around. Apparently, there were times before that she had mentioned his attitude & anger problems to him and threatened to leave him, and he promised to change, but then he would quickly forget it and go back to his usual ways. And other times, when he couldn't get the response he wanted from her, he would take it out on my sisters and I by yelling at us. She would always tell me when I was growing up that people don't change unless they want to, and don't ever get into a relationship with a guy thinking I can fix or change him. Funny that she would give me that advice, but herself still be hoping for my dad to change.
So, after telling them I fully supported the idea (basically I said I had been waiting a long time for them to decide to move out lols), we started looking for places to rent. And this is where I really have to thank God, because everything just fell into place. I mean there were some hiccups along the way, but within 2 weeks we managed to find a great place to move to within our rental budget with an awesome landlord. Then my dad announced he was going on an overseas trip around the time we would get the keys to move in. Honestly, we had considered trying to pack everything while he was sleeping and moving it under his nose, or considering the possibility of asking the police for help to move out in case my dad tried to stop us physically. But none of that had to happen, because he went for a trip, and we had basically a week to pack and move out. And with the help of many friends, we did it. We moved out, for the first time after 30+ years (40 for my mom).
Living apart from my dad, able to control our own lives and living space... We have never been happier as a family. I don't have my own room, I still share with my sister, but it honestly doesn't matter, because we can wake up every morning without worrying about the next temper tantrum or yelling match, or accidentally upsetting my dad about anything. It's so peaceful, and I look forward to going home after work now, rather than staying longer at the office. I no longer have to live under constant threat of being blamed from something wrong in the house. Yes, this is also something my dad does a lot, blame all of us for things getting spoiled in the house, even if it's obviously from wear and tear over the years. Like, the air-conditioner leaking, he would say was because we were folding clothes in the room which created a lot of fluff and clogged up air vents causing it to leak. Or, a power bank not working so well anymore, according to him was because I used it wrongly, and not because the charge just doesn't hold so well after degrading over the years.
The simplest things - being able to have a desk to work at when I want to work from home or play computer games, and having a cabinet in the kitchen to put my coffee gear instead of having to always wash, dry, and pack them up into paper bags. Or something even simpler - being able to accidentally leave a light on in a room and not be scolded for it like I had just killed someone... These are joys I get to experience now because we no longer live under the control of my dad.
Now, it's been 2 weeks since my dad returned from his trip to find an empty house (we only took our stuff, his stuff is still all there), and a letter explaining we had moved out because we couldn't stand to stay there anymore, and not to contact us because we need our space. He tried calling us but frankly, I think we were all either afraid to pick up just to be yelled at, or just not willing to be subjected to his manipulation anymore after experiencing peace of mind without him, so none of us picked up. He tried texting the family group then, and it surprised me he didn't act angry, but rather said he was shocked and expected to be able to live the rest of his life with us, that we would take care of him in his old age, that we should have pity on him because he's not young and came back unwell from his trip, that he had to sleep on the floor at the airport in Dubai. He said he wanted another chance to improve on his 'flaws', saying he loves us and would never do anything to hurt us, asking my mom to come back, that he knows he made a lot of mistakes, but that he's always lived his life for the benefit of us. Then, he asks us to continue paying for the utilities. Followed by saying "he knows we don't talk about it, but he never recovered from the suffering he endured at church" - which is total bullshit by the way, because he never suffered at church... what happens is what he always does - he alienates people or doesn't like it when people do things differently from him, and is super sensitive when people don't compliment or praise him for his works. So what he does eventually, is he leaves that church, and then finds another one. Anyway, he then continues in his messages with even more sappy words like he misses us, he's so lost without us, when he wakes up he's so full of fear, that that's why he's so unhappy and angry all the time, he needs us, that he's never had to be independent all his life, he's not eating well, not sleeping well, don't block him, please just let him meet us one more time, just let him hear our voices, just to say hello... OMG I wanna puke just reading all this... So much of it is so cringe, like he's NEVER spoken like that to us ever, and in the middle of it asks for money? And for the past, I don't know, 15 years at least, he's either always yelling at us that we don't know how to talk to people properly, or that we shouldn't talk to him. And now, he says he misses our voices? GAG.
Then this week... he pays me a visit to my office. Shows up at lunch time, and asks to see me. It was a really big shock to see him just standing there, smiling at me like as if I should be happy to see him? Honestly, I did expect it to happen, because my office is the nearest to his house, and probably the easiest to get to compared to my sisters' workplaces. But still, thinking it and seeing it were two different things, and I was just praying that he wouldn't be desperate enough to really do it and that I was just being paranoid. So seeing him in my office, I was instantly on edge, thinking he was going to make a scene at my office, and asked some colleagues to help keep an eye out for me while I went to talk to him. And he basically repeated the same things he's been sending in text to me. He started crying, and trying to show me how frail he was because he wasn't eating well, said he hoped I could take him out for a meal, saying he's only been eating all the leftovers - which honestly, is kind of suspicious because we didn't have that many leftovers to begin with, and we had purposely restocked the house with bread, biscuits, tuna which we knew he knew how to eat on his own - so maybe he was referring to that... Said he was worried about his finances, that his eyesight wasn't good, his knees weren't good, how was he going to clean the house on his own. Then he tries to change the topic for some reason, by saying he was surprised he was allowed into the office building and that the guard had given him some package to bring up as well when he said he was coming to my floor... It was weird and creepy and gave me a really unsettled, disturbed feeling throughout the whole experience. I was so tense and nervous that I couldn't bear to talk to him without crossing my arms in front of me the whole time. And I kept explaining to him, that there was no point in him trying to justify and explain himself to me - that it all just sounded like excuses to me, that 30 years of doing the same damn thing over and over to us was enough and that we were never ever going back to his house, whether it was to visit or moving back in - none of that was going to happen. But with his constant crying and pleading, I did start to feel really sorry for him.
I mean, even in the week when we were moving out, I felt guilty about it, knowing he wasn't going to be happy and was going to have a hard time once we left him. But the alternative was to do nothing about our situation, which wasn't a viable option either. Continuing to live with him was basically just saying, this is it, this is our lives, we're going to die with this being the extent of our lives. And I was NOT going to let that happen. My mom did NOT deserve to die in that house with that tyrant controlling every aspect of her life, sucking the joy and energy from her like a leech, like a freaking Dementor from Harry Potter. But anyway, yea, his pleading got to me, I did pity him and felt sorry for him, so I told him, please leave, I'll unblock him on my phone so he can call and message me, but I won't promise anything else except to pass on what he has said to my sisters and mom. He kept saying please, he can't wait too long, please just come to the house to talk to him, he needs us, etc. Took me a few times to convince him he's not going to get anything else out of me and eventually he left.
I was so on edge after that, I realised my hands were cold and shaking, and I didn't have much appetite for lunch by then. Thankfully I have many caring and supportive colleague who knew about the situation and they helped talk to me about it and it calmed me down. I talked to my sisters and mom that night after work, and they shared with me some of their experiences that I wasn't aware of from when I was a baby or when I wasn't at home. Which made me realise... he may have been trying to manipulate me earlier. Apparently, he has on several occasions, told my mom he regretted marrying her, that he would have been better off letting his mom to find him a wife instead. He had told my sister (the middle child) that he regretted having us as children. Told her to get out of the house too. And always told us that he had lots of money, that money was no object, whenever we told him we didn't want to spend on something he was asking for because we couldn't afford it. Which is conflicting isn't it, because if YOU have the money, then why not buy it yourself instead of trying to convince us to buy it for you? My sister had also asked him before why he was so angry, why he was yelling, and he would respond that he wasn't angry and that he was just like that, and he wouldn't change. I think the one story that really hit me though, was when my oldest sister said, she remembered when she was younger, maybe around kindergarten or primary school - she was holding me as a baby, and I was crying, and she was trying to comfort me. And my dad was playing really loud music at the time, and mom was busy with house chores, and she said she just remembered feeling like something wasn't right, and thinking why was it like this. It hit me then... that this had been going on for YEARS, like from before I was born, probably from the moment my mom had married him, and everything he had been saying were lies. Maybe he meant some of it, because he knew now that we weren't afraid to leave, that we could and would and did leave, that for that he was probably sorry for yelling at us. That all his threats to tell us to get out, while he probably thought would give him control over us at the time, had eventually now come back to bite him in the ass now that we were older and didn't depend on him anymore.
So, today, at this moment, I am sitting at my new desk, in my nice new home, writing this out because, my logical brain KNOWS that we have done the right thing. That my dad, the whole situation with him and how he treats the people around him, his entire behavior, is a classic red flag, textbook case. But despite knowing this, in my heart, in my emotional brain, I feel bad about it. Not enough to want to reach out to him and respond to his requests. But enough that I feel guilt when I'm happy about our new life, like I shouldn't feel this great when he's feeling bad. That my happiness now has come as his expense now. And yes, although I have been angry at him enough to wish him dead many many times over in the past, I think my compassion somehow makes me feel like it's not right to inflict suffering on others for my own sake. But logically, am I really "inflicting" suffering on him? Is it my fault he doesn't know how to be happy with his own life? Just because I was born as his child, doesn't mean I owe him anything, that I'm responsible to make him feel good, does it? Yes, I'm Asian, and Christian, and both of these teach us to respect our elders and take care of our parents. But it can't be at the expense of my own happiness and emotional well-being.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a relationship with someone. I'm 31 years old this year, and I have never been in a romantic relationship. I've had crushes, gone out a couple times for movies or meals, but it's never gone beyond just being casual acquaintances or friends. And I have zero interest in putting myself out there on online dating platforms, or going out to meet new people for the purpose of finding someone. I don't know if it's because of my experience with my dad, that deep down I'm so traumatised that I don't even want to consider putting myself in a situation that could become how it was with my mom and dad. I've seen other people have healthy marriages with loving family bonds, where the father is useful, caring, stable, dependable, and supportive. But I think I'm really afraid that I'm that person that attracts the wrong sort, you know? There's a saying right? That you marry men who are like our fathers? Yes, good relationships exist, but they're what other people get, and since I'm not a good judge of character and easily gullible, it can't possibly happen for me. And while thinking that does make me sad, I also know that maybe it's just better to stay single, so that I'll never be hurt again. Like, the risk isn't worth the potential reward.
Anyway, I hope someone does read this in the entirety, and lets me know what they think about the whole situation that is my life, and also especially my current situation. If there's any advice you could share with me, do you think I'm being too harsh? I do get triggered by my message tones, call tones, and even the office door bell these days, because every time, I'm just reminded that my dad is trying to plead with us to come back, and I'm just so tired of his manipulation and gaslighting and general emotional abuse. And I feel like this is probably more common than I think, and if you can relate to this while you're reading it, I hope you find the courage get out of the bad situation you're in and find your happiness too. If you're in a similar situation, although I have guilty feelings about it, I know it's important to take care of your own well-being, and I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone.

DAY: MAY 8 2024
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• 5-8-2024A 30-YEAR US STUDY LINKS ULTRA-PROCESSED FOOD TO HIGHER RISK OF EARLY DEATH Higher consumption of most ultra-processed foods is linked to a slightly higher risk of death, with ready-to-eat meat, poultry, and seafood based products, sugary drinks, dairy based desserts, and highly processed breakfast foods showing the strongest associations
• 5-8-2024ABOUT 90% OF US ADULTS ARE ON THE WAY TO HEART DISEASE, STUDY SUGGESTS Nine of 10 American adults are in the early, middle or late stages of a syndrome that leads to heart disease, a new report finds, and almost 10% have the disease already. “Poor cardiovascular, kidney, and metabolic health is widespread among the U.S. population,”
• 5-8-2024RESEARCH PROVIDES TIPS TO REDUCE CHILDREN’S LYING Getting children to speak the truth can be a struggle at times. While a lie, when discovered, is often followed by a punishment, there’s a more effective way to prevent future fibbing
• 5-8-2024MANAGING MIGRAINE EFFECTIVELY Migraine is a neurologic disorder. The severe pain of migraine typically is on one side of the head but may be on both sides. Symptoms also may include nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to light and sound, difficulty speaking, or visual disturbances known as aura with flashes of light or blind spots.
• 5-8-2024DRIVE TO BE ‘PERFECT’ PARENT ISN’T HEALTHY, SURVEY FINDS Parents striving to be “perfect” will never attain that goal, and the aim isn’t even healthy for their families, a new study says. The risks of striving for perfection are such that researchers have now created a scale to help parents track their burnout and, if necessary, counter it. The first-of-its-kind,
• 5-8-2024HOW INFECTIONS INFLUENCE OUR SOCIAL EMPATHY When people are ill, they feel less empathy for others than when they are healthy. The researchers investigated “sickness behavior,” a process in which the body reorganizes its biological priorities in the context of an acute infection
• 5-8-2024HYPERTENSIVE DISORDERS OF PREGNANCY MAY INCREASE WOMEN’S RISK FOR BLOOD CLOTS LATER IN LIFE South Carolina received a poor report card from the March of Dimes in 2023 because more of its mothers die due to pregnancy-related complications or childbirth than the national average.
• 5-8-2024ALMOST 30% OF CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS EXPERIENCE PAIN IN MUSCLES, BONES OR LIGAMENTS, STUDY SHOWSSome 27% of Brazilian children and adolescents suffer from musculoskeletal pain of unspecified cause The problem is frequently underestimated by parents and health professionals
• 5-8-2024TALKING WITH A FRIEND CAN EASE THE STING OF BEING LEFT OUT Small, simple forms of social connection—such as a conversation with a friend, or even just looking forward to one—can lessen the negative feelings and thoughts that come with being socially excluded
• 5-8-2024INCONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE SUGGESTS ZINC MAY SLIGHTLY SHORTEN COMMON COLD taking zinc may help to reduce the duration of common cold symptoms by about two days, but the evidence is not conclusive and potential benefits must be balanced against side effects.
• 5-8-2024HOW OUR KNOWLEDGE OF ARTISTS INFLUENCES OUR PERCEPTION OF THEIR WORKS A neurocognitive study shows that negative knowledge about an artist influences the perception of the artwork, regardless of the artist’s level of fame. Can we separate art from the artist? History is littered with examples of famous artists who have fallen into disrepute due to controversial statements, beliefs or actions. 5-8-2024STUDY SUGGESTS DAILY CONSUMPTION OF OLIVE OIL REDUCES CHANCES OF DEVELOPING DEMENTIA daily consumption of olive oil may reduce the chances of developing dementia. In the study , the group analyzed data for thousands of people included in two separate health databases and found that those people who consumed at least 7 g of olive oil daily were less likely to die from dementia-related ailments.
• 5-8-2024YES, ADULTS CAN DEVELOP FOOD ALLERGIES—HERE ARE FOUR TYPES YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT If you didn’t have food allergies as a child, is it possible to develop them as an adult? The short answer is yes. But the reasons why are much more complicated. Preschoolers are about four times more likely to have a food allergy than adults and are more likely to grow out of it as they get older.
• 5-8-2024STUDY SHOWS DAMAGING IMPACT OF HEAT WAVES ON VITAL ORGANS Periodic heat waves-induced neuronal etiology in the elderly is mediated by gut-liver-brain axis: a transcriptome profiling approach. Researchers have found evidence of the molecular causes of the damaging impact heat stress causes on the gut, liver and brain in the elderly.
• 5-8-2024STUDY REVEALS ROLE OF IRON IN ALLERGIC ASTHMA AND POINTS TO POTENTIAL NEW THERAPIES New USC research shows that iron serves as a gas pedal driving certain immune cells that cause inflammation in the lungs during an allergic asthma attack—and blocking or limiting iron may reduce the severity of symptoms.
• 5-8-2024HELPING YOUR CHILD MAKE FRIENDS WITH A CHILD WITH AUTISM Kids are very likely to make the acquaintance of a child diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at some point, whether they know it or not. An estimated 95% of children with disabilities enroll in regular schools
• 5-8-2024GENE LINKED TO LEARNING DIFFICULTIES FOUND TO HAVE DIRECT IMPACT ON LEARNING AND MEMORY A gene previously linked to intellectual disability has been found to regulate learning and memory in mice. The gene, called KDM5B has previously been linked to some intellectual disability disorders and autism.
• 5-8-2024DIABETES IN YOUTH MAY INCREASE RISK FOR NEURODEGENERATIVE DISEASE, LIKE ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE, LATER IN LIFE Young people with diabetes may have a significantly higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease later in life Read More
• 5-8-2024NEW TOOL LINKS ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE TYPES TO RATE OF COGNITIVE DECLINE researchers have discovered a series of brain changes characterized by unique clinical features and immune cell behaviors using a new corticolimbic index tool for Alzheimer’s disease, a leading cause of dementia.
• 5-8-2024BARIATRIC SURGERY MAY REDUCE CANCER RISK When you think about obesity, you may not connect it to cancer. However, researchers long have suspected a link between certain cancers and weight. Among those are endometrial, ovarian, colon, liver, pancreatic and postmenopausal breast cancers, which together contribute to 15 to 20% of all cancer deaths in the U.S.
• 5-8-2024MOST SOCIALLY VULNERABLE COUNTIES LESS LIKELY TO HAVE CANCER TRIALS, ANALYSIS FINDS according to a research, the association between county-level social determinants of health (SDOH) and cancer clinical trial availability in the United States. Cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses of county-level trial availability and SDOH were performed.
• 5-8-2024SLEEP PROBLEMS AS A CHILD MAY BE ASSOCIATED WITH PSYCHOSIS IN YOUNG ADULTS Children who experience chronic lack of sleep from infancy may be at increased risk of developing psychosis in early adulthood, new research shows. children who persistently slept fewer hours, throughout this time period, were more than twice as likely to develop a psychotic disorder in early adulthood, and nearly four times as likely to have a psychotic episode.
• 5-8-2024LUNG CANCER IS THE DEADLIEST OF ALL CANCERS, AND SCREENING COULD SAVE MANY LIVES—IF MORE PEOPLE COULD ACCESS IT Many medical organizations have been recommending lung cancer screening for decades for those at high risk of developing the disease. But in 2022, less than 6% of people in the U.S. eligible for screening actually got screened. Compared with other common cancer screenings, lung cancer screening rates fall terribly behind.
• 5-8-2024WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT COVID VARIANTSThe virus behind COVID has mutated again, this time producing variants nicknamed FLiRT, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has reported. The variants are appearing in wastewater sampling
• 5-8-2024TRIFAROTENE PLUS SKIN CARE BENEFICIAL FOR ACNE VULGARIS Trifarotene plus skin care is beneficial for patients with moderate acne vulgaris (AV) and acne-induced hyperpigmentation (AIH)
• 5-8-2024HEALTH RISKS OF USING CANNABIS ARE HIGHER IN ADOLESCENTS THAN IN ADULTS, STUDY FINDS Using cannabis on a regular basis may be significantly more dangerous for adolescents than adults, with adolescents showing higher levels of cannabis use disorder and reporting greater negative impacts on daily functioning than adults
• 5-8-2024ADVANCES IN MINIMALLY INVASIVE KIDNEY STONE SURGERY Most small kidney stones can pass on their own. However, kidney stones that are too large to pass on their own or cause bleeding, kidney damage or ongoing urinary tract infections may require surgical treatment.
• 5-8-2024CANDY COMPANY RECALLS PRODUCTS DUE TO SALMONELLA RISK A Midwestern candy company has issued a massive recall due to the risk of salmonella tainting some of its products. Palmer Candy Company of Sioux City, Iowa, is recalling “white coated confectionary items” because they could be contaminated with salmonella
• 5-8-2024WE KNOW LATE-NIGHT SCREENS ARE BAD FOR SLEEP. HOW DO YOU STOP DOOMSCROLLING IN BED? Sleep scientists long ago established that insufficient sleep is linked with poor health outcomes, anxiety, obesity and several other negative effects. The research is equally conclusive that smartphones are particularly disruptive to the circadian clock that regulates sleep and other hormones.
• 5-8-2024STUDY DEBUNKS CONCERNS ABOUT BABY FEEDING METHODS What, and how, a baby is fed can weigh on a caregiver’s mind. A study has found two popular, but somewhat controversial, methods appear to have little significant impact on infants’ appetite and weight. The study analyzed the diets of 625 7 to 10-month-old babies, evaluating appetite-related outcomes of baby food pouch use and baby-led weaning.
  
• 5-8-2024DO DYING PEOPLE HAVE A ‘RIGHT TO TRY’ MAGIC MUSHROOMS? 9TH CIRCUIT WEIGHS CASE
  
• 5-8-2024ADVOCATES FEAR IT WON’T PAY OFF
  
• 5-8-2024EXPERT EXPLAINS PINK EYE
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP FIRST MODEL OF THE BRAIN’S INFORMATION HIGHWAYS
  
• 5-8-2024COVID-19 STUDY EXAMINES LINK BETWEEN INSURANCE, RACE AND VACCINATION TRENDS
  
• 5-8-2024‘WRAPAROUND’ IMPLANTS REPRESENT NEW APPROACH TO TREATING SPINAL CORD INJURIES
  
• 5-8-2024STUDY FINDS THAT NEUROPATHY IS VERY COMMON BUT UNDERDIAGNOSED
  
• 5-8-2024STUDY SHOWS FREQUENT SALTING OF FOOD IS LINKED WITH INCREASED RISK OF STOMACH CANCER
  
• 5-8-2024SIMULATED HIGH-ALTITUDE EXPOSURE FOR 24 HOURS IS WELL TOLERATED DESPITE SINGLE-VENTRICLE PHYSIOLOGY
  
• 5-8-2024A COMPARISON OF SELF-REPORTED DATA AND PRIMARY CARE RECORDS IN UK BIOBANK
  
• 5-8-2024STUDY FINDS PARTICULATE SILOXANE AND CIGARETTE SMOKE ORGANIC AEROSOL IN A GYM ENVIRONMENT
  
• 5-8-2024STUDY FINDS THC LINGERS IN BREASTMILK WITH NO CLEAR PEAK POINT
  
• 5-8-2024NEW STUDY OFFERS INSIGHT INTO GENESIS OF SPINA BIFIDA
  
• 5-8-2024SEROTONERGIC NEURON FINDINGS SUGGEST POSSIBLE TREATMENT FOR DEPRESSION-RELATED INFERTILITY
  
• 5-8-2024SYSTEMIC ANTIBIOTICS IN FIRST YEAR OF LIFE TIED TO HIGHER ATOPIC DERMATITIS RISK
  
• 5-8-2024MRE-LIVER STIFFNESS MEASURE BETTER FOR VARICES IN NAFLD CIRRHOSIS
  
• 5-8-2024STRENGTHENING CAR-T THERAPY TO WORK AGAINST SOLID TUMORS
  
• 5-8-2024EXERCISE, NEW DRUG CLASS RECOMMENDED FOR MANAGEMENT OF HYPERTROPHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY
  
• 5-8-2024HOW DID THE EARLY COVID-19 PANDEMIC IMPACT BIRTH OUTCOMES IN AUSTRALIA?
  
• 5-8-2024A NEW FRONTIER IN NEUROSCIENTIFIC FUSION
  
• 5-8-2024INDIVIDUALS OF ALL AGES WITH POSITIVE SKIN OR BLOOD TEST SHOULD RECEIVE PREVENTIVE TREATMENT FOR TB, NEW STUDY SAYS
  
• 5-8-2024NEW RESEARCH REPORTS ON FINANCIAL ENTANGLEMENTS BETWEEN FDA CHIEFS AND THE DRUG INDUSTRY
  
• 5-8-2024SUSPENDED UK CLIMATE ACTIVIST PHYSICIAN WILL NOT STOP PROTESTING
  
• 5-8-2024A THIRD COVID VACCINE DOSE IMPROVES DEFENSE FOR SOME CLINICALLY EXTREMELY VULNERABLE PATIENTS
  
• 5-8-2024BIRD FLU HAS SPREAD TO COWS IN COLORADO. IS AVIAN INFLUENZA A THREAT?
  
• 5-8-2024POWER IMBALANCES AND HIERARCHY PREVENT DOCTORS FROM WORKING EFFECTIVELY IN TEAMS, RESEARCH SHOWS
  
• 5-8-2024EARLY ONSET BOWEL CANCER CASES INCREASING IN NEW ZEALAND
  
• 5-8-2024TEAM SYSTEMATICALLY MODIFIES GLYCERALDEHYDE DERIVATIVE JX22 FOR IMPROVED ANTI-HEART FAILURE EFFICACY AND SAFETY
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCH TEAM IDENTIFIES FOUR NEW GENETIC RISK FACTORS FOR MULTIPLE SYSTEM ATROPHY
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS SAY FUTURE IS BRIGHT FOR TREATING SUBSTANCE ABUSE THROUGH MOBILE HEALTH TECHNOLOGIES
  
• 5-8-2024EATING DISORDER SYMPTOMS ARE SURPRISINGLY COMMON IN PEOPLE WITH INSULIN-DEPENDENT DIABETES
  
• 5-8-2024TEENS WHO VIEW THEIR HOMES AS MORE CHAOTIC THAN THEIR SIBLINGS DO HAVE POORER MENTAL HEALTH IN ADULTHOOD
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP FALLS PREDICTION MODEL USING HEALTH RECORDS TO PREDICT PATIENTS’ RISK OF FALLING IN THE UK
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS IDENTIFY WHAT DRIVES PARP INHIBITOR RESISTANCE IN ADVANCED BREAST CANCER
  
• 5-8-2024DISCOVERY OF KEY TARGET FOR PRECISION PHARMACOLOGY MAKES IDEAL CANDIDATE TO TREAT HEART FAILURE
  
• 5-8-2024STUDY SHOWS HOW SEPSIS CAN AFFECT VASCULAR SMOOTH MUSCLE CELLS ON AN ACUTE AND LONG-TERM BASIS
  
• 5-8-2024NEW GUIDELINES FOR DEPRESSION CARE EMPHASIZE PATIENT-CENTERED APPROACH IN CANADA
  
• 5-8-2024ASTRAZENECA WITHDRAWS COVID VACCINE AS DEMAND DIVES
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS OUTLINE HOW CELLS ACTIVATE TO CAUSE FIBROSIS AND ORGAN SCARRING
  
• 5-8-2024POTENTIAL LINK BETWEEN PTSD AND AUTISM FOUND IN MICE
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS FIND THAT A NEW MOTHER’S IMMUNE STATUS VARIES WITH HER FEEDING STRATEGY
  
• 5-8-2024REVISED CLINICAL GUIDELINES ON MANDATORY REPORTING OF SUBSTANCE-EXPOSED NEWBORNS SHOW PROMISE
  
• 5-8-2024COVID-19 PANDEMIC CHANGED ATTITUDES TOWARD WEARABLE HEALTH DEVICES, STUDY FINDS
  
• 5-8-2024CHILDHOOD MALTREATMENT RESPONSIBLE FOR UP TO 40% OF MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS AMONG AUSTRALIANS, FINDS RESEARCH
  
• 5-8-2024MORE THAN 321,000 US CHILDREN LOST A PARENT TO DRUG OVERDOSE FROM 2011 TO 2021: STUDY
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW TARGET FOR POTENTIAL LEUKEMIA THERAPY
  
• 5-8-2024TRIAL SHOWS A FASTER APPROACH FOR STARTING EXTENDED-RELEASE NALTREXONE TO TREAT OPIOID USE DISORDER IS EFFECTIVE
  
• 5-8-2024FACTORS ID’D FOR CLEAN INTERMITTENT CATHETERIZATION COMPLIANCE IN YOUTH WITH NEUROGENIC BLADDER
  
• 5-8-2024PERSONALIZED NUTRITION MORE EFFECTIVE THAN GENERAL DIET ADVICE, STUDY FINDS
  
• 5-8-2024SCIENTISTS UNRAVEL HOW PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS INTERACT WITH SEROTONIN RECEPTORS TO POTENTIALLY PRODUCE THERAPEUTIC BENEFITS
  
• 5-8-2024‘MATHEMATICAL MICROSCOPE’ REVEALS NOVEL, ENERGY-EFFICIENT MECHANISM OF WORKING MEMORY THAT WORKS EVEN DURING SLEEP
  
• 5-8-2024RESEARCHERS MAY HAVE FOUND AN ACHILLES HEEL FOR HEPATITIS B
  
• 5-8-2024NEUROAFFIRMING CARE VALUES THE STRENGTHS AND DIFFERENCES OF AUTISTIC PEOPLE, THOSE WITH ADHD OR OTHER PROFILES
  
• 5-8-2024FUTURE PANDEMICS WILL HAVE SAME HUMAN CAUSES AS ANCIENT OUTBREAKS—LESSONS FROM ANTHROPOLOGY CAN PREVENT THEM
  
• 5-8-2024MANY PEOPLE ARE FEELING ECOLOGICAL GRIEF. HOW CAN WE HELP THOSE WHOSE WORK PUTS THEM AT RISK?
  
• 5-8-2024TAILORED VACCINE COULD ONE DAY TREAT ECZEMA IN CHILDREN
  
• 5-8-2024POTENTIAL CAUSAL EFFECT OF LONG-TERM PM? EXPOSURE ON HYPERTENSION HOSPITALIZATION
  
• 5-8-2024SLEEP APNEA PATIENTS CAN BREATHE EASY ABOUT CPAP THERAPY, COMPUTER SIMULATIONS SUGGEST
  
• 5-8-2024INTERVENTION IN NAVAJO NATION BOOSTS UPTAKE FOR HEART FAILURE DRUGS BY 53%
  
• 5-8-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES DISPARITIES IN END-OF-LIFE CARE FOR LUNG CANCER PATIENTS
  
• 5-8-2024INFLAMMATORY PROTEIN RESEARCH OFFERS TREATMENT STRATEGIES FOR A RARE, POTENTIALLY FATAL LUNG DISEASE
  
• 5-8-2024TEAM DEVELOPS COMPUTATIONAL APPROACH TO REDESIGN ANTIBODIES FOR BROADER EFFECTIVENESS AGAINST VIRAL PANDEMICS
  
• 5-8-2024A SMART NECKBAND FOR TRACKING DIETARY INTAKE
  
• 5-8-2024NEW DEVICE THAT EMITS MAGNETIC FIELD MAY OFFER HOPE FOR TREATING DEPRESSION
  
• 5-8-2024CHINESE HERB ASPIDOPTERYS OBCORDATA SHOWS POTENTIAL IN TREATING KIDNEY STONES
  
• 5-8-2024VOWEL INTELLIGIBILITY TESTING MAY HELP MONITOR PROGRESSION FOR PEOPLE WITH ALS
  
• 5-8-2024ROAD OF RECOVERY IN GASTROINTESTINAL SURGERY: FROM ERAS TO FRAS
  
• 5-8-2024LIFE-CHANGING UK HEALTH PROGRAM COULD REACH MORE F
  

-I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I-
Utrecht, Confederation Administrative Military Peacekeeping Zone Doorta (Former Kingdom of the Netherlands)
May 8, 1945
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Isa Visser
Holland. The land of tulips.
The land under eternal occupation.
My home.
When the Nazis came in 1940, my home town of Utrecht was turned upside down. The war was quick and I hardly even remembered it until the Wehrmacht began to strut freely in our town. At first, we did our best to ignore the grey troops in the streets. But eventually, the Jews of our town began to disappear without a trace.
I didn’t really think much of it, the rumours were horrendous but unfounded. I knew the Nazis preached something about anti-Semetism, but I never really thought anything of malice was happening to the Jews. Besides, the Germans were mean and pushy to all of us, shoving us along like prisoners or attacking us without reason.
Some collaborated with them, but most despised them. However, true anger arose once food began to fade from the shelves. Rationing was in full effect and Mama had to come up with new thinner recipes just for us to get by.
By the time 1943 rolled around, just when we thought that things couldn’t get worse, the Confederation came.
At first, it was some Allied and some Axis aircraft getting blown out of the sky by seemingly nothing. Then some astronomers kept on saying that there were a billion asteroids in the sky. Their estimates put many of them at the size of the Vatican! The world didn’t mind this developing situation as the Nazis tried everything they could to knock both Red Russia and the United Kingdom from the war.
Eventually, they landed, and the world was not prepared in the slightest for their arrival. They didn’t shell any of our cities, even though they could’ve turned all of them to dust in a flash. Not even that American ‘atom bomb’ project could’ve saved us, even if it was somehow made in time for their arrival.
Their troops swiftly subdued the superpowers in under a month. The Soviet Red Army, the American US Army, the British Royal Army, and the previously feared German Wehrmacht were no match for the very advanced and very coordinated men and machines of the Confederation. Sure, our tanks gave them a good scare just as much as the Russian rocket artillery, whistling bombs, and wailing Stukas, but those alone weren’t war-winning weapons.
The world surrendered in Versailles and the post-war world was negotiated in the places that the Allied Powers wanted to negotiate with each other. Yalta, Tehran, Cairo, and the Germans offered Magdeburg and Potsdam too for negotiations.
As it turned out, the Confederation didn’t want us dead or enslaved. Instead, they just wanted to occupy us and help us forward from our brutal wars. I couldn’t really blame them, but then again, their soldiers were the fearsome bullet-proof beasts that could, and had, brutally mutilated and even devoured human soldiers resisting.
Even with those setbacks, the total number of deaths in the Verrassingsoorlog only reached an impressive and scary 1 million. Never surpassing that compared to the nearly 50-60 million corpse pile the world was already stuck in.
Now, the Netherlands as a nation was disbanded. We were still Dutch through and through, and all humans still used the old borders to define land and places. But according to the dozen species entente that conquered us, we were now a hundred occupation zones with the ruling of each zone being distributed to what species got there and captured it first.
The Netherlands, as well as the rest of the Benelux, Northwestern Germany, Denmark, and Calais, were now a part of the ‘Doorta’ zone. Doorta. What a dumb name! The Nvouw in charge named it after the flowers and plant life of the region which made them nostalgic for their homes. There were some rumours that they’d give us our old names back, but that was just hope at this point.
“Isa! Can you quickly run down to Mr Achter’s store to get some butter? I need it for the cookies!”
“Ja, mam!” I called back, setting down the basket of eggs I was carrying. Mama was restocking her depleted goods from the morning rush. Now, she was making new foods for the afternoon rush. It was a very tight schedule that she somehow perfected with robotic efficiency and a warm smile that was the complement of every serving. Now that people had stable homes and jobs once more, they could now enjoy the wonders of life, like Mama’s cooking.
The Confederation weren’t really all that bad once the gunfire ceased. They stayed true to their word. They fixed our country’s buildings and roads, they brought peace and stability in a way, and on a personal note, they gave me a chance to learn Mama’s cooking with some real ingredients rather than some Fanta crap or vegetable peels.
But their soldiers patrolled our streets like hawks. The aliens seemed to best us in everything, hearing, strength, agility, speed, marksmanship, and overall better traits like fangs, venom, appendages, snouts, tails, frills, thorns, and many other animal-like characteristics. But the soldiers were nice and most of the time, didn’t care about us and just let me and my friends play tag. Goodness, some of Felshans even taught some of the boys war tactics while they played war games last week!
I quickly grabbed my late father’s old bulky satchel and patted my bunned-up hair as I walked back into the kitchen to see Mama zooming from baking pies to sizzling batters like a robot. Her eyes then fixed on me as her smile crested her white face, she quickly gave me a tight hug and handed me some guilders for my little expedition.
The Dutch guilder was worthless according to the aliens, who wanted us using their standardised tolija instead. Of course, no one cared and each nation still used their reichsmark, pound, ruble, peso, dollar, guilder, franc, or whatever they had before the first war even began.
I tightly hugged her back and kissed her cheek as she reciprocated the deed. Mama was the best mother one could have. She was loving, good at cooking, good at knitting, and calm and quiet. She would never shout unless I burned down a farm or something.
“Mmm!” I hummed smelling the apple pie from the oven. The warm and delicious apple smell mixed with the doughy batter simply created a scent that one could only find in heaven.
“Ask him for the butter from Rotterdam, the ones from Amsterdam don’t mix well with the cookie stuff like the chips, lemons, sugar, or—”
“I get it, Mama!” I punctuated her typical verbose lecture, shoving the guilders into my pocket. “Rotterdam butter.”
“Zeer goed,” she smiled. “Now off you go!”
Dashing out of the kitchen to the main café, I waved in greeting to some of the people already there. Most of them were either young people doing work, or old people playing chess. These were things you could do anywhere else, but the reason why they were here, was for the food and drinks.
“Where are you going, Isa?” the old Mr Maes asked me, looking up from his little thick novel. He was Flemish and was a veteran of the Great War. He served in the Somme, and Passchendaele, but mostly served in Belgium and Calais. The only answer he gave to me on why he was fighting in France proper was: “I was there to beat the Germans back on every front and every town from the Channel to Switzerland.”
“To get some butter from the store. That’s all,” I replied with a warm grin. I then slipped out of the store onto the lively streets as I dashed down the cobble roads towards Mr Achter’s place. Utrecht was still as bustling as it was before the war. I was born in 1934, so I knew the city well enough before the war to get around quickly.
Mr Achter’s store was down the street and left around the corner shop and then it was down a little incline at the end of the next street as a corner store of its own. I quickly zoomed across the road to the other sidewalk before I ran towards the corner of the street.
I didn’t think or register anything as I weaved through some people and snapped around the corner only to come into a collision trajectory with two shadows that blocked the sun. I couldn’t stop myself in time before a little gust of wind slapped me and now suddenly, the sun was hitting my face again.
Now, instead of ramming into huge shadows, I was on a collision course with a street pole. I braced for the surge of pain, but that also changed until I was frozen upright in under a second.
Reorienting from the random situation, I dizzily readjusted my focus only to now face-to-face with a Nvouw and a Felsha that eyed me up with composure. My blood ran cold, especially with the Nvouw present.
“Be more careful next time, ok?” the Felsha advised as my eyes fixed on him. They were scaled lizards that were as blue as the deep sea. They had snouts with at least 100 fangs just packed into there in such a scarily neat fashion. Their eyes were glowing aqua and they had little prongs and “D” shaped animal ears. Not to mention the bajillion thorns that were dawned on their backs like a cape of bee’s stingers.
Add that with the fact that they were a good two-and-a-half metres tall, and you got the perfect killing machine. But, regardless of their traits, they were probably the nicest of the two occupational species here. Which was a pretty low bar to pass anyway due to the evil of the other demon that I had also stupidly bumped into.
The Felsha soldier in front of me tilted his head and wagged his humongous tail in patience for a response from me. That’s another thing, their spiky tails were at least as long as Mama if she was horizontal. As if these things weren't deadly enough on their own.
“Y-yes,” I replied, a bit scared. “I-I’m sorry.”
“Aw, don’t worry,” the Nvouw replied for the Felsha as I snapped my head to meet him. “You’re just a kid, aren’t you? What are you out for?”
The Nvouw were the ones who occupied the Benelux first, arriving in their skyships randomly. I didn’t even know they were in the Benelux until they began to shepherd the surrendering Germans through the streets after they captured Utrecht. Some of them were covered with human blood. I didn’t know why until they spoke with each other, and then I could see blood covering their large main quadruple fangs and their smaller fangs too.
They ate the German soldiers.
Now, I didn’t like the Nazis, they were mean and tyrannical. But, they were still humans. Sometimes, they’d give me chocolate, sometimes they’d help me around, and sometimes they were understanding when I wanted to go out past curfew to buy some goods from the always-open Mr Achter. They were humans and they were merciful. But never, never, did I want to kill them. And never, never, never, never did I ever even think of wanting to eat them.
And yet, the Nvouw had done it and even enjoyed it. They mowed through many German squads before the garrison here even knew it. By that point, it was too late and they surrendered to the Nvouw, who could just zip up to them and tear them apart in a second if they wanted.
As a result, it was the Nvouw that I feared the most. They weren’t the reason for anything bad in my life, but the first impression I got of them was one of them being merciless brutes and man-eaters. My fear of them is probably why my mouth was zipped shut and I looked down to the ground in terror, resisting the urge to whimper.
My face was hot like the sun above and my hands fidgeted behind me as I simply puckered my mouth and faced the floor. I didn’t want to be in such a predicament. Maybe if I went slower, I wouldn’t be here. But now here I was, and I wanted to disappear in a snap so I could escape these soldiers.
“What are you out for?” the Nvouw repeated to no avail as I did my best to resist crying. My body went into a million different scenarios of how this would end. It could gut me here! If I tried to run, it’d just do it quicker.
“Citizen, I will not repeat myself,” the Nvouw asked once more with agitation. It seems that this beast had a chip on his shoulder for insubordination. But then again, maybe it was just me as I began to hyperventilate, more tears pushing against my eyes and probably making them bulge.
Not even the strongest dike could hold the deluge ready.
When the Nvouw came, Mama hid me in the house. Every time we left the café she brought me with her. I couldn’t be alone. She always kept my head pressed against her and she hugged me until we reached wherever we wanted to go. She did all the talking when the Nvouw would stop us for ID or just to converse. I never wanted to be face-to-face with one, and even worse, I wasn’t ready.
“Answer me,” the Nvouw asked again with its tentacles fluttering in annoyance.
Their tentacles obstructed their fangs and powerful teeth. But, if they just pulled up their tentacles, you could see every gut-cutting fang in their mouth. I didn’t reply and this only seemed to agitate the Nvouw as it hissed with its fangs. Those pristine white teeth were the ones that cut through the Germans like paper. Those were the incarnates of suffering themselves. Those damned fangs.
With that, I couldn’t help myself as a little sob escaped me and tears rolled down my cheeks in small amounts before more flowed. I did my best to suppress my sobs, but that was like trying to hold back the whole English Channel with a table for cover. So to the beasts, it probably sounded like I was gasping for air like a drowning human while also screaming for help.
The Felsha stared at me with concern and realisation before it rose from its squatting position and turned to the monster it called an ally. After whispering something more akin to garbling than Russian like my mother had compared it too, the Nvouw sighed and walked off to the side with its big bulky rifle unshouldered and resting in its talons.
“Look, I’m—,” the Felsha squatted again. But this time, he used the blunt edge of his claws to push my head up to meet his. His eyes were glowing with concern as he looked over my reddening and teary face with pity, “I’m sorry about that. I know that they weren’t the most docile when they occupied this land. But don’t worry, we won’t hurt you ever. Am I clear?”
“Y-yes, sir,” I mewled.
I was assessed once more by the concerned Felsha before he nodded and moved out of my way. I broke into a trot, then a speed-walk, and then a wild dash until I reached my destination. I looked back momentarily to see both creatures staring at me before the Felsha snapped its head to its monstrous comrade and conversed with him.
How anyone thought those creatures were friendly was beyond me. Call any of the Confederation species docile and I’d agree, except the Nvouw.
I quickly jumped into Mr Achter’s shop through the push door, stumbling around before regaining my footing. The store was as old as Mr Achter himself, being made in the 1870s. The shelves were wooden and antique. The products, however, were new and fresh.
“Woah, Ms Visser,” the old Mr Achter gasped at my haggard and eccentric demeanour. “What snake bit you?”
Mr Achter was an old man, in his seventies and was bald on the top with hair on his sides. He wore round professor’s glasses and always wore a pale blue-checkered jacket with a red tie and white undershirt. He always had a pipe in his mouth and yet his teeth were somehow always bright white and as clean as the rest of his shop.
“N-nothing, Mr Achter,” I wheezed. “Just the usual sticks of Rotterdam butter for Mama please.”
“M-hmmm,” he scanned me suspiciously. “Was it something to do with the soldiers?”
He was good. I never understood how he did it anyway. He did raise three sons, but two of them died in World War I and the other died of malaria in the Congo on a trip. I guess his fatherly instincts kicked in once he saw my trance.
“Y-yes,” I replied hoarsely.
“Did they do anything to you?”
“N-no,” I shook my head. “It’s just . . . one of them was a Nvouw and—”
“Oh!” Mr Achter exclaimed, slapping his palm to his forehead in realisation. “Oh, don’t worry. I understand, yes. They scare me too.”
Mr Achter brought out about three bars of butter, the usual amount I ordered, and I pulled out the guilders to pay him. Except, I was three guilders short.
“W-what?” I tensed up in shock. “I-I had all of them . . . How . . . ?”
Then it clicked. I must’ve dropped it in my hurried escape from the soldiers. Now I was short on cash and couldn’t even purchase the ingredient I had encountered a Nvouw for. My body burned hot with rage until it just boiled over and I slumped my shoulders in exhaustion and misery.
“Don’t worry,” Mr Acther smiled sombrely. “You can take it anyway. I’ll take what you have.”
“T-thanks, Mr Achter,” I sniffled. This day was nothing but hell for me.
Mr Acther looked at me with concern before puffing a smoke cloud from his pipe and leaning back into his seat at the cashier desk, “Occupation is a weird thing.” He hummed.
This was how he started a lecture, with an unconfirmed claim. He’d state his claim as more a question and have me try and fill in the gaps. To be honest, I thought it was patronising. But then again, it worked wonders. He always got his point across in the most clear ways possible.
“In what way?” I replied with a small grin.
“You have one power conquer the land of the other. And then, they decide to keep that land until the end of the war or even after. Sounds normal right?”
“Right,” I replied with a nod.
“But, sometimes the occupying power wants to stay. When they do, it’s usually either for strategic reasons . . . or for something else.”
“What?” I pestered impatiently.
“Guess,” Mr Achter coaxed.
“To make it a part of their nation?”
“Good!” Mr Achter jumped before putting his hand to his chin in fake thinking. “What should they do to accomplish that?”
“Just make it formal in a treaty,” I shrugged nonchalantly.
“Well . . . yes,” Mr Achter replied with a bit of lost energy. “But once something small is a part of another bigger thing that is much more different to it. What do you think that smaller something would do?”
“Assimilate?”
“Yes!” Mr Achter congratulated me with a rejuvenated spirit. “But what happens when you move to a new culture where another one is?”
“You force it out,” I replied in realisation.
“But if the people don’t want to?” Mr Achter pushed.
“You force them too.”
“By?”
“Intimidation,” I replied blankly, finally understanding the concept.
“Excellent,” Mr Achter snapped his fingers in delight at my response before handing me the butter to stuff into my rucksack. “That’s what we never want. They will try and intimidate us into listening. But never fold. We are Dutch through and through. Nothing will change that.”
“Thank you, Mr Achter,” I smiled politely as he waved me off.
“Alright, go on. Your mother’s cookies can’t bake themselves.”
I stopped walking in an instant. I never told him she was making her afternoon cookies, “How do you know they’re cookies?” I turned to him in shock.
“You really think I can’t tell my own butter in her cookies?” Mr Achter cackled. “Don’t be a fool. I know something’s mine when it’s good. I give the good-tasting ingredients and your mom turns them into even better-tasting food. Now run off before I ask for a discount.”
I laughed and dashed out of the store with a happy energy that was stolen from me earlier. I didn’t have to fear the Nvouw, not anyone! I was human and Dutch. Nothing could ever change that!
Running up the road again, I slowed down around the corner and peeked out. No one was there, so I turned and ran up the rest of the way to Mama’s café. Bashing through the spruce door into the kitchen like a tank as I put the rucksack down on the floor and took the butter out.
Mama’s head snapped my way in surprise before it warmed up to a smile, “Be careful!” she hissed playfully. “You almost made me burn the pies!”
“Sorry,” I hummed, handing her the butter.
I probably would’ve stayed to help, but a knock at our house door drew me away from the kitchen. Our house was behind the shop and so there were two doors that were used. The main door for all the customers, and the backdoor for me and Mama.
Only the mailman or milkman used the backdoor to deliver items. Except the milkman doesn’t come until tomorrow and the newsboy comes in the morning as well as the mailman. So whoever was at the door was clearly someone random.
I reached the door and turned the knob, the door creaked open and I looked outside to see a boy. Upon seeing him, a sudden odour forced me back a bit in shock.
The boy was thin and looked frail, even though he also seemed just as old as me. His face was pallid and sickly and his clothes were tattered and torn, like he had just swam across the Atlantic from America. His hair was unkempt and overgrown like an abandoned garden.
To my disgust, he was also barefoot and his legs looked bruised and cut. His arms were exposed by the ripped shirt except for a hastily bandaged part of his lower left arm. His eyes were a murky blue and his lips were cut and as dirt-covered as the rest of his face.
“What’s your name?” I asked the boy. Looking him over with contempt at his haggard apparel.
“B-brutus,” he replied hoarsely, tugging at his torn shirt.
“Really?” I scoffed. “That is not your name.”
“J-Johann. . .” he mumbled.
“Johann what?” I pestered him with impatience, tapping my foot in anger.
“I don’t know,” he replied in broken Dutch, rubbing his bandaged arm anxiously. “I-I forgot.”
“Forgot?” I hissed before giving a hearty sigh. “Alright, Johann, that first name doesn’t even sound Dutch. Where are you from?”
“U-uh . . . G-germany.”
How unspecific! Might as well have just told me ‘Earth’. Why was he so meek and secretive? Maybe he was a challenged boy. How did his parents let him wander like this? Also, his accent was so Eastern European that I could smell the borscht. Metaphorically of course, he smelled more like cow manure than a bowl of borscht. There is no way he thought he was really fooling me.
“Right . . .” I trailed off with suspicion of the boy’s intent. “Where are your parents?”
He seemed to tense up at the simple question. I was now concerned for this boy, but I also didn’t want to trust him at all. He was dirty, spoke Dutch poorly, was secretive, and probably addicted to something that would bring us trouble.
“G-gone,” he stuttered. “I-I lost Mama a while back. Then I was sent away.”
“From where?” I huffed.
“I-I don’t know . . . Some place that began with an A.”
“An ‘a’?” I raised a brow at the boy. I really didn’t like him, but then again. He was cold and hungry. The least I could do was give him some basic necessities before I sent him off to be someone else's problem.
“Who’s at the door, Isa?” Mama called from the kitchen. She then peeked out and her eyes fixed on the boy. “Who’s that?”
“Brutus,” I sighed, looking at him with disgust.
“Where are your parents?” Mama hollered to the boy over the sizzling pots and pans.
“He said they were gone,” I replied to the boy. When I looked back at him, his mouth was literally watering. I backed away a tad bit in disgust as the boy’s eyes fixed back on me.
“S-sorry . . . I just haven’t eaten for a bit and . . . your mom’s cooking is what brought me here really,” the boy mumbled in embarrassment. Since he seemed to deserve something to eat to make up for his crappy appearance, I decided to turn back to a concerned Mama
“Mama!” I called out.
“Yes!?” she called back, now seeing the boy in all of his dirty glory.
“The boy is hungry. Can we give him some food before we let him go?” I asked.
“Sure,” she replied, her face puckered up at the sight of the boy. I couldn’t blame her for that really. “On second thought . . . he needs a shower . . . and a new set of clothes first. Isa, take him up to my room and have him wait there. I’ll finish the batches here.”
I really didn’t want to be in the same room as this smelly boy, but I didn’t have many other options. Besides, I kind of felt bad for his situation, even if his personal specifics and identity were just a load of poorly made lies.
“C’mon,” I sighed. “Let’s go.”
The boy’s eyes lit up as I led him up the winding steps to the second floor. I skipped my room and pushed open the spruce door to Mama’s as the boy walked in and sat on the ground.
“Nice house,” he hummed to my concern. I was now pretty sure this kid wanted to steal from us.
“Y-yes . . . it is,” I replied slowly, squinting at the dirty boy with contempt at his appearance and his ulterior motive for being here.
Unless I wanted to contract a disease, I wasn’t going anywhere near him. This kid was more of a biological disaster than an actual living being. I found myself subconsciously drifting away from the putrid kid, but since I didn’t trust him alone, there I remained. It was a long while of miserable waiting before anyone spoke again.
“Your m-mom is g-good at c-cooking,” the boy complimented sheepishly from his sedentary pose on the wood floor.
“Yeah, her café is popular for a reason,” I sighed, pinching my nose in disgust at the lingering smell.
“My mom owned a flower shop,” the boy reminisced as I just sneered at him. “It was a beautiful one, the best in all of Wa–” The boy stopped as if he had just said too much.
“What?” I pestered with a bit of jumpiness at the information that he had mistakenly donated.
“Westphalia,” he corrected in a choppy manner as if he had just pulled the name from his rear.
“Uh-huh,” I scoffed. “What next? She fed you schnitzels and swastikas every day?”
“I’m not a Nazi,” he grumbled at me with some pent-up anger. “Those are the worst people to ever walk this earth.”
“A bit odd from a German,” I hummed, tiling my head in a sarcastic show of curiosity. “I expected you all to be the same. Unless if you weren’t a German.”
“I am German,” the boy replied adamantly.
“So you are a Nazi?”
“No!” he shouted. “I am German.”
“A Na-zi!” I mocked.
“Przeklęty!” he retorted before shutting up and clasping his mouth with wide-open eyes.
“See,” I giggled. “Not German.”
“Part-German,” he grumbled with his head down.
“Changing your story again?” I hissed, stamping the floor. “Just tell me the truth.”
“It is the truth.”
“That isn’t the truth, Mr ‘Johann’!”
“Well, my name is just as Germanic as yours,” he hissed. “That’s because . . . What’s your name?” the boy bleated.
“Hitler,” I sighed with a little smirk. If he was going to play around with his identity, then who cared if I did? “Do you believe me?”
“No,” the boy replied with a hiss.
“Then why should I? You are no ‘Johann’ because I can hear and taste the pierogi and borscht in your accent. Don’t think you’ll fool me with some German-sounding name.”
The boy opened his mouth to respond, but it was hushed when Mama came upstairs in her food-stained apron as her eyes fixed on the boy more clearly. Now she could see his haggard state in the sunlight from the window, like some sort of bad impression of an angel.
“Oh, God,” she practically mouthed as she stared at “Johann”. He pretty much looked at her with the most fear I’d seen yet. That’s one thing I could trust about him, his fear was raw.
Mama said nothing, simply walking into her room past the boy and opening one of her wardrobe’s drawers where she pulled out some of my old clothes. Due to the boy’s skinny frame, he’d fit in that old farm wear like a glove.
“Isa, leave for now. I’ll fix him up,” Mama ordered with a serious face before giving a little smile. “Unless you want to shower him with me?”
“What!? Ew!” I kicked, finally stumbling out of the room far enough to not smell the boy. Mama simply laughed and the boy tensed up in embarrassment. That was the last I saw of the two before Mama shut the door.
To be honest, this day just kept on getting weirder and weirder. First, I nearly soiled myself in front of a Nvouw. Second, I was three guilders short when I went to buy butter. Finally, some odd kid who couldn’t seem to lie properly and who smelled like he just crawled out of a garbage pit appeared at our door for no good reason other than he smelled Mama’s cooking! The Nvouw encounter was scary, but that kid was just weird.
But I didn’t let that bother me, I was now free to play in the little fields behind our house. Those fields were wild and led to forests. We lived on the outskirts of Utrecht anyway, rarely going downtown. That stuff was only for expensive shopping, not day-to-day errands.
Running out the same back door that the dirty kid had used, I dashed into the field of tall grass. Eventually, I found a little wild tulip, swaying in the wind.
It was beautiful. The symbol of our people. The red pedals bounced around in the wind freely, taking hit after hit from the soft blows of nature. I got down on my belly in front of it and watched it for a bit as it swayed and bounced, swayed and bounced. Inhaling a whiff of it, I smiled and rolled onto my back facing the skies.
They were blue and open, not tainted by low white clouds or the occasional spacecraft, the only thing puncturing the darkening blue sky were some high strips of clouds way up in the atmosphere.
The Netherlands was my home, and these sights are why Mr Achter’s lecture was so useful.
My job wasn’t to just be proud of my little Holland, it was to defend and preserve her beauty.
And I would do anything to keep my serene life here as free as possible.

Mera Peak, standing tall at 6,476 meters (21,247 feet), is the highest trekking peak in Nepal and a coveted destination for mountaineers seeking to test their skills and summit a Himalayan peak. While Mera Peak is technically considered a non-technical climb, meaning it does not require advanced technical mountaineering skills, it still demands a certain level of experience and preparation from climbers.
Experience Required:

1. Physical Fitness: Climbing Mera Peak requires a high level of physical fitness. Trekkers should be accustomed to long days of hiking with a heavy pack, as well as be prepared for the additional challenges posed by high altitude and variable weather conditions.
2. Prior Trekking Experience: While prior mountaineering experience is not mandatory, having previous trekking experience in similar terrain and altitudes can be beneficial. Familiarity with multi-day trekking and camping in remote mountain environments will help climbers adapt more easily to the demands of the Mera Peak expedition.
3. Altitude Experience: Mera Peak reaches altitudes where altitude-related illnesses such as acute mountain sickness (AMS), high-altitude pulmonary edema (HAPE), and high-altitude cerebral edema (HACE) can occur. Climbers should have prior experience trekking at high altitudes and be familiar with the symptoms and management of altitude sickness.
4. Basic Mountaineering Skills: While Mera Peak is considered a non-technical climb, climbers should have a basic understanding of mountaineering techniques such as walking in crampons, using ice axes, and roped glacier travel. These skills will be necessary for navigating the glacier sections and steep slopes encountered during the ascent.
5. Adequate Training and Preparation: Climbers should undergo specific training to prepare for the physical and mental challenges of climbing Mera Peak. This may include cardiovascular conditioning, strength training, and altitude acclimatization exercises. Additionally, climbers should familiarize themselves with the route, weather conditions, and necessary gear for the expedition.

Conclusion:
Climbing Mera Peak is an exhilarating adventure that offers stunning views of the Himalayas and a sense of accomplishment upon reaching the summit. While prior mountaineering experience is not essential, climbers should possess a good level of physical fitness, altitude experience, and basic mountaineering skills to undertake the expedition safely and successfully. With proper training, preparation, and the guidance of experienced guides or expedition leaders, Mera Peak can be a challenging yet attainable goal for aspiring mountaineers looking to scale new heights in the Himalayas.