I had surgery just under 2 weeks ago, my friend Jen knows exactly what surgery I had, the complications I had on top of it in great detail and she visited me a few days after as well and saw how much I was struggling physically and mentally. I’ve also kept her up to date on how things are going with me after that in our friend group.
A simple Google immediately says my initial recovery time is 6-8 weeks without complications, 3 months for a really full recovery. Jen is a doctor so she doesn’t even need to Google but if she’s unsure I’m sure can refresh herself on it before she decides how to approach me confidently on the situation.
Last week, just 1 week after my surgery, she asked if I can come out for coffee with her. I was extremely shocked she was doing this but also very disappointed in her. I was hoping she wouldn’t do this because of her history.
Jen is a doctor and as long as she first started training to be one until now being an experienced doctor has used it as a way to diminish any health issues her friends have, with a rolling eyes attitude to anything you say you have or think you have, treating you like a hysterical medical time waster and like everything you think you have is you exaggerating or wanting to be ill. She’s never wanted us to go to her for medical advice and we’ve always respected that, but as friends talking about being ill in general occasionally and medical things come up in personal conversations (I had to go to A&E last night etc), she herself talks about her own.
Once I mentioned I’d had a migraine at the weekend and she immediately interrupted me with disdain patronisingly saying a headache isn’t a migraine. I said I had to go A&E as I could barely walk or see. She shut up straight away but you’d think she’d stop doing things like that after getting responses like that everytime but she never does. Only when you’re in an undeniable active serious medical scenario she gives you grace and support. But when she has a simple cold she makes a huge deal about how she can’t come out, which is completely understandable but very different to her attitude to others being unwell.
She even tried to diminish the suspected illness I currently had before I was given a surgery date that I could use to prove to her it’s being taken seriously by MY doctor. During the surgery time and immediate days after in hospital she acted supportive answering questions, because there was no way she can diminish that, but then went back to acting like it’s nothing and brushing me off when I had a scary complication at home and tried to ask her if it needs following up tonight or not. It did need following up and needed antibiotics, if I’d gone by her reaction I’d have left it.
Jen never asked me again how I am, asked me to go for coffee 1 week post surgery, when I said I’m not anywhere near leaving the house stage she said nothing. She never asked how I am again since either and now less than 2 weeks post surgery she’s asking me to go out shopping and for lunch with her like my surgery never happened.
This time I’m really angry. I’ve always been the kind of person to not make others feel awkward or embarrassed and laughing off situations like this, especially with Jen’s attitude and comments towards me and others, I always underplay it for her instead of making her feel bad. I don’t want to escalate the situation or spend a lot of energy on it especially in my physical and mental state of recovery but I do want to reply to her briefly and succinctly putting her in her place for once. How shall I reply to her?
TL:DR - My doctor friend keeps asking me to come out and ignoring I’ve had surgery

I'm interested in everyone's thoughts on this. I often wonder if it weren't for ASD, how would I have responded to certain situations, or what would I do differently.
For example, I work at a warehouse, where I often pull pallets of product and totes, etc. People often say things such as, "you work really hard", or "You're very fast". I usualy say thanks and move on, but their face and body language says that I've done something wrong. What was I supposed to say to that? Now my response is thanks, while moving away quickly, because I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do there.
Another example was at university 2 years ago, where I used my decathlon bag for cycling. A girl comes up to me and says that it's a nice bag, where'd I get it? I tell her and ask her name (is that what you're meant to do?), and suddenly it's as if I've just transformed into Hannibal Lecter. I run out of things to say, say my goodbyes, and leave her alone, wondering how I've screwed up that interaction. What would a normal person do here?
Books, and YouTube guides to social interaction are great, but it feels like there's some secret sauce I'm missing. Unless I keep the conversations to a minimum, I always seem to run out of things to do say, leading to that dreaded awkward silence where I'm supposed to fill that space with words, but what words? Is my brain just too slow to be able to fill them in or something?
What is it that normal people talk about with each other? How do thye start conversations? Do I need to watch more media and reference that? Is it a lack of life experiences to talk about? Am I supposed to beat a topic to death to the point that I'm utterly sick of discussing it? People in real life don't talk like they do in television or movies, certainly not most mainstream ones. If I go into an interaction behaving like Raymond Holt, Manny Ribera, or David Brent, the men in white coats will be sent out to take me away. Even when I've somehow managed to make 'friends' I've always been the weird one.
What I really wish I could do is observe a couple of normal people throughout their entire day and see what the hell it is they even do. Maybe then I could have it all figured out. That or removing the need for social interaction and validation from my brain so at least I didn't have to deal with any of the terrible emotions anymore.

Let me start by saying that I am not good at Hades (or Hades II). I have about 100 hours in Hades and got up to around 10 heat. I obviously like playing the game, but it's pretty much the only fast reaction/bullet hell game I play these days and one of the few I enjoy. My guess is that a big part of Hades' success is that it can appeal to players like me, for whom it isn't our usual thing.
Hades II, although good, doesn't have the same appeal yet.
The big problem for Hades II is that once you get to a certain point, the incremental gain from a failed run is very small. In Hades, even when I was getting destroyed in Elysium or by all that !&%&ing satyr poison in Styx, I was still picking up resources that made me stronger so there was a sense of progression.
Although this is still true in Hades II, the grasp mechanic means that 1) I'm forced to choose between psyche and ash when I need both and 2) I need a LOT of psyche to meaningfully improve the arcana. Additionally, the weapon bonus isn't to either of those resources but instead to bones, which converts at a pretty unfavorable rate --you get 2 bones per room, getting all the way to Chronos is about 36(?) rooms so maybe 70-80 bones, which is 5(!) ash or 10ish psyche. Getting about 10 extra psyche per run when you need ~300 to improve grasp by 1 is basically nothing (especially since as far as I know bones are also the only way you can get the advanced social resources).
The upshot of all of this is that it makes a few runs for me to be able to upgrade my grasp and then once I can, I'm only increasing it by one, which means that getting a new card either means a bunch of runs to save up for a couple upgrades or swapping out a lower-cost card for a marginally more useful higher-cost card. I don't hate this mechanic in general -- forcing the player to make hard choices is interesting -- but the effect at lower levels (ie, before you've beaten Chronos) is to make improving Mel feel much, much slower than improving Zag felt.
It's possible, of course, that Supergiant is already planning something that addresses this problem for the full game (in particular, maybe once your efforts to go down start stalling, you start going up and that opens things). But this is a problem for the current state of EA.
There are a lot of ways this could be improved. I actually like that Chronos is harder than [REDACTED] from the first game (both from a lore perspective and from a sequel perspective), so here are some other options:

• Make grasp cheaper (either reducing cost of upgrades or making upgrades give 2 grasp for longer)
  
• Make the weapon bonus more useful (give psyche/ash instead of bones or make bones more valuable)
  
• Let the player choose to get psyche/ash from bosses they've beaten before (I don't think you can do the Hades approach of only giving the meta resource, since crafting is such a big part of Hades II, but it would be nice to have an option -- even if it's just letting you sell pearls/cinders/etc to the broker)
  

Finally, just to close with a pre-rebuttal: I'm not going to get gud. If I were going to do that, I would have already. Also, I've got a full time job and 2 kids, so I am not prepared to devote the time that it would take for me to get to another level in my gaming. The appeal of Hades was that even for scrubs like me, we could still buff Zag until we won. Here, the improvements slow down much faster which results in the game feeling like much more of a grind because there's less sense of progression per run.

Producer: So, you have a video game for me?
Writer: Yes, sir, I do! It's a battle royale game called Fortnite.
Producer: Fork Knife? Is it a food-making game where you eat with a Fork and a Knife?
Writer: Well, No actually, sir, this is a shooter game where players are dropped onto an island where they must scavenge for weapons and resources inside people's homes while trying to be the last person standing.
Producer: Sounds a lot like that game PUBG.
Writer: Well, yes, it's Very similar to that.
Producer: So, Isn't that kind of a rip-off? Whats the point of making this game if its gonna be a Complete rip-off?
Writer: What if we give the player the ability to build stuff in the game?
Producer: Thats different enough. So how do we do the building in this Fork-knife game of yours?
Writer: Well, we add a building mechanic where players can gather materials and construct forts and other structures to defend themselves.
Producer: So, they can build in the middle of a fight?
Writer: They sure can!
Producer: Won't that make the combat complicated and kind of confusing?
Writer: Oh, definitely. Super confusing. And we're going to have this cartoony art style, so it's all bright and colorful.
Producer: Cartoony art style?
Writer: Yes, sir, we want to attract a younger audience, you know, kids and teenagers.
Producer: Really? And what about older players?
Writer: They'll probably play it too. Some might even play it so much while filming themselves sitting, eating, and drinking inside a room infront of a bunch of cameras to a bunch of digital people on some kind of streaming-platform out there. And some older players might even be so good that they can be placed inside a room with other players that are as good as them.
Producer: Okay, okay, But wait. Why would older players be interested in a game designed for kids?
Writer: Because it's free.
Producer: Oh, older people love free things.
Writer: And we’ll have these things called Emotes where players can dance and do fun gestures for no reason.
Producer: Why would they need that?
Writer: To taunt other players and express themselves, and making it easier for other players to get kills!
Producer: And we're sure kids will love this?
Writer: Oh, absolutely. They'll be flossing in no time.
Producer: What’s flossing?
Writer: It’s one of the dances that we’ll include in the game.
Producer: Ah, okay, and how will we make money?
Writer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience.
Producer: How come?
Writer: Microtransactions.
Producer: Microtransactions?
Writer*: Yeah, Microtransactions. Players can buy this thing called V-Bucks, which is our in-game currency, to get skins, emotes, and other cosmetic items.
Producer: So, none of these items give players a competitive advantage?
Writer: Nope, just cosmetics.
Producer: And people will spend real money on that?
Writer: Oh, they definitely will.
Producer: How are you so sure?
Writer: Because we’ll make it really cool and hard to resist. Plus, we'll create this thing called FOMO.
Producer: FOMO?
Writer: Fear of Missing Out. We’ll have limited-time items so players feel pressured to buy them before they're gone.
Producer: So, we’re going to exploit psychological weaknesses?
Writer: Oh, for sure.
Producer: Exploiting psychological weaknesses is tight! So, how will players get to the Island?
Writer: They’ll skydive from a flying bus.
Producer: A flying bus?
Writer: Yeah, we’ll call it the Battle Bus.
Producer: Why would a bus be flying?
Writer: Because it's fun.
Producer: But How does it fly tho?
Writer: Listen, sir, i'm gonna need you to get all the way off my back about why the Battle Bus can fly using a very big sketchy pop-able baloon but only moves one direction, okay.
Producer: Okay, let me get off of that thing.
Writer: Oh, and every few minutes, a storm will shrink the play area, forcing players into a smaller and smaller circle until one player remains.
Producer: Why would a storm do that?
Writer: To make the game faster and more intense.
Producer: But thats not--- never mind.
Writer: And we’ll have different game modes, including solo, duo, and squads, so players can team up with friends.
Producer: What if players don’t have friends?
Writer: Then they’ll be loners. Solo mode is perfect for that.
Producer: And how will we keep the game fresh?
Writer: We'll have seasonal updates with new themes, items, and challenges.
Producer: Seasonal updates?
Writer: Plus, we’ll add crossover events with popular franchises from all our child hoods we can think off.
Producer: Like what?
Writer: Well, i'm just gonna throw some names out there, just top of my head, *Marvel, Star Wars, DC, Avatar, Family Guy, TMNT, POTC, Rick and Morty, and a Whole bunch of other stuff.
Producer: So, we’re going to have superheroes and nerds fighting each other in a game where you can build forts and dance?
Writer: Exactly.
Producer: That sounds amazing!
Writer: Oh, it’s going to be super amazing.
Producer: And that's Fortnite. So, what do you think?
Writer: I think we’ll make billions.
Producer: We're gonna be rich!
Producer: Wow, wow, wow. Wow.
Producer: But wait, you forgot to say what’s the story behind this game?
Writer: Oh, right, well, the island is constantly changing and evolving. At first, there isn't much backstory, only younger and older players ACTIVELY hunting each other down and killing each other, but over time, we introduce a series of events and lore that shape the game's world.
Producer: Interesting. What kind of events and lore are we talking about?
Writer: Well, Each season, we add new story elements to the game. For example, there's this mysterious organization called "The Imagined Order" that's manipulating the island. Players uncover clues and secrets about them as the game progresses.
Producer: So, there are hidden stories and mysteries?
Writer: Exactly. One season, we had a massive meteor strike that changed the landscape. Another season, a giant iceberg crashed into the island, bringing new areas to explore. We also introduced a volcanic eruption that altered the terrain significantly.
Producer: Sounds like a lot of natural disasters.
Writer: Ye ye ye. But all these events tie into the overarching narrative. There's this powerful artifact called the Zero Point at the center of the island, and it's the source of all these changes.
Producer: What’s the Zero Point?
Writer: It's a mysterious energy source that can manipulate time and space. Different factions and characters try to control it, leading to conflicts and alliances.
Producer: Who are these characters?
Writer: We've introduced various characters over time, like Jonesy, who starts as a standard avatar but becomes central to the story. He’s sort of the player’s guide and gets involved in all the major events.
Producer: And these characters, they have backstories?
Writer: Yes, each character has their own backstory and motives. Some are heroes trying to save the island, others are villains seeking power. We add new characters regularly to keep things fresh and engaging.
Producer: How do players learn about all this?
Writer: Through in-game events, cutscenes, and quests. For instance, we might have a live event where something dramatic happens, like a giant robot fighting a monster. These events often change the map and advance the storyline.
Producer: Live events? How do those work?
Writer: At specific times, we host live events where players can participate or just watch something big unfold. These events are usually massive, with millions of players logging in to witness them.
Producer: That sounds like a logistical nightmare.
Writer: It can be, but it creates a shared experience that players love. It's a huge part of what keeps the community engaged.
Producer: So, the story is dynamic and ever-changing?
Writer: Exactly. We keep evolving the narrative with each season, adding new mysteries and plot twists. It's like an ongoing TV show where the players are part of the story.
Producer: And this keeps players coming back?
Writer: Absolutely. The evolving story and frequent updates make sure there's always something new to discover and experience.
Producer: Sounds like you’ve thought of everything.
Writer: We’ve tried to make it as immersive and engaging as possible. The story is just one part of what makes Fortnite a unique and exciting game.
Producer: Well, I’m sold. Let’s make this game!

TL;DR: at current price levels hedgies could theoretically still just buy the entire float or even ALL outstanding shares. What's 15 billion (at 50 USD a share), 24 billion (80 USD ceiling yesterday premarket), 38 billion (at ATH) or even 100 billion to them? Pocket change that would barely make them budge. And yet they're fighting toe and nail because the CANNOT get the shares off us. This validates everything we've been saying for 3+ years and is fool-proof proof that the squeeze never squoze.
Lots of smart takes on here over the past few days, explaining how options gamma or swap expirations or the recent solar flare may have triggered the current run and volatility. This is great guys and I enjoy reading those posts, keep it up!
But at the bottom line a lot boils back down to one incredible simple number imo: market capitalization, the number of outstanding shares multiplied by current share price.
Two weeks ago, GME traded at 10 USD per share. With ca 300M outstanding shares, this put us at a market cap of just 3 billion USD - barely more than cash on hand plus assets & inventory.
Currently we're trading at around 50 USD, putting us at a market cap of ca 15 billion USD.
Yesterday in premarket we hit a ceiling at exactly 80 USD four (!) times. Market cap then was (briefly) 24 billion USD.
At the all time high in January 2021, when they switched off the buy buttons, we traded around 500 USD, corresponding to a market cap of ca 38 billion USD.
If the price were to hit 1000 USD, GME's market cap would be ca 300 billion USD.
All of these values are – effectively – pocket change to shorts.
Ken Griffin's personal (!) net worth is estimated at around 38 billion, incidentally the money it would take to buy all outstanding GME shares at previous ATH prices.
Susquehanna International Group's disclosed a total of 576 billion USD worth of holdings in Q1 2024. They alone could buy all outstanding GME shares at 2,000 USD per share.
The combined net worth of the 10 richest people in the world (as per the Forbes 2024 list) is 1.55 TRILLION USD. Together, Bernard Arnault, Elon, Zuck, Bezos, Gates, Buffet & friends could still buy ALL outstanding GME shares at a price of around 5,000 USD per share.
My point is very simple: in theory, they could buy 100% of GME shares to get out of their troubles at any point, even at current price levels. Doesn't matter if they screwed up due to shorts, due to options & gamma, due to swaps or whatever. They've done their best to claim that "only" 20-25% of the float is officially shorted. Why not buy that back, close the position, take the (small) L and get on with life? Well:
BECAUSE. THEY. CAN. NOT.
We've said for a long time that "hedgies control the room, but apes control the exit". We've been ridiculed and laughed at for that for 3+ years. But the past week has irrevocably vindicated apes and shown that we've been f*cking right this entire time. They are fighting toe and nail to keep a lid on, to gaslight and scare us into selling, to catch stop loss orders, to re-stack the options chain against us, to survive another day.
But the past days have proven that shorts never closed and don't intend to ever close unless forced. We have them literally by the balls and now we will squeeeeeeze them till their ears fall off. Whichever you prefer to do that: by buying and hodl'ing, by DRS'ing, by smartly playing options and exercising calls: it all kindles the fire under the massive powder keg that they're sitting on, trying to keep the lid down.
Let's give them nothing and take from them: everything.

Hello all,
I (25F) moved to a new city about a year ago and it’s only now that I started making new friends. I am in southern Europe (of Hispanic origin) and have recently become friends with this girl from Northern Europe. I definitely have a bit of a halo effect from her. She has a gorgeous face, is very sweet and kind and we have such a good time together. I believe she feels the same way about me, as we in general really like each other and have a good time together.
She is the same age as me and has a very Northern Europe look and gets tons of attention where I am as she really stands out. Interestingly, she says I am more the standard of beauty in her country (dark hair and eyes, curvy body, etc). So I think this is why we both admire ea other.
I’ve had plenty of experiences being the hotter friend in the group and dealing with other jealous girls, and so I would never do that to someone given that I’ve experienced it. She doesn’t make me feel threatened when it’s just us and people are commenting on her beauty, and if anything I celebrate it and like I said just genuinely like her and would never make her feel bad or anything.
Here’s the thing. I’ve been asking my bf to come out with us, bc 1) she’d like to meet him and 2) I just have so much fun w her that I believe he’d fun as well with all of us together (it would not be just him, he’d bring a guy friend). Given that this girl is my age and my fiancé and his friends are older (mid to late 30s), he’s expressed that he’d just do it for me and isn’t something he’d necessarily do otherwise as he isn’t really into going out much at night in general (which I get and have limited my own as well). Mainly because he got it out of his system in his 20s.
Anyway I’ve expressed to him how gorgeous she is and he has said he doesn’t find her that attractive but I know he’s saying it my insecurities would get the best of me otherwise. In general I’m much more his type as he is into curvy/fit latinas over very thin blue-eyed types, but her sweetness and gorgeousness will inevitably affect any man. I know he’s with me for far more than my looks and that there are far more beautiful women out there regardless, but I still cannot help but feel insecure about them meeting. Especially when thinking about men’s love for freshness and a variety, and she has a very round feminine ine face which he loves. Mine is more angular-ish (I guess in the middle).
I’m also insecure because the friend that he would bring is single and a bit of a player and they would 100% be talking about how hot she is, and I’d def overhear or notice and just wanna die. This is once again nothing regarding her and I think it’s stupid to prevent them from meeting because of my insecurities. I guess I just find her so superior to me even though it’s likely in my head as I get lots of attention as her. It’s just I find her so beautiful face wise, and I’m only superior body wise because she’s very flat in general. I also don’t stand out here as much at all. I have even shown her to my brother and guy friend and they’ve said she’s gorgeous. She’s also very feminine and sweet.
One day we were looking at her profile out of curiosity and we saw that her ex is now dating a latin girl (who’s nowhere as beautiful) and he said he likes her better as well, but he’s legit saying that to make me feel better or lie to himself. And he’s so painfully obvious when he’s attracted to someone.
Any advice? Especially if you’ve been in a similar situation? Thanks

I was originally going to post this in relationshipadvice but I don’t meet the karma requirement
Last year I (26M) moved out of my dad’s (57M) house for a job opportunity one state over. Since I’ve moved, mostly in the last month my mom (56F) has been driving me insane trying to visit me.
My parents have been separated/divorced for around 5 years now and both have remarried. My mom moved around a bit, but currently she’s on the other side of the country (US). While I get along with her fine and talk to her on the phone often enough, I don’t want her to come out here due to her being very homophobic and transphobic. I’m bisexual but obviously I haven’t shared that information with my parents. As far back as high school both of them would talk about how bi people are just confused gays and that it’s not possible to be attracted to multiple genders. Being bisexual isn’t really a big part of my identity, so I don’t really consider this a big issue, but I do lie to them just to keep them happy.
My bigger issue is with my mom being transphobic. She remarried a guy she knew from her college age and got along well enough with her step kids, but a couple of years ago one of them came out being transgender. I support them, but my mom is constantly deadnaming and misgendering them intentionally. Before they came out she only had good things to say and now it’s just constant hate and disrespect whenever they’re mentioned. I’m completely embarrassed by this and wouldn’t want to take my mom anywhere around my city or meet any of my friends because she’d potentially say terrible things that I don’t want to deal with.
The other aspect that makes this situation more annoying is that she won’t take the hint that I don’t want her to visit. Every time we talk she asks several times and I try to steer the conversation in a different direction. I’m even starting a new job in a week and she didn’t care that I want to get situated in my new position first. I just want to figure out a good way to get her to leave me alone but still maintain a relationship with her in the limited way that we’re friends currently. Obviously I could just come out to her as bisexual but I don’t really want to deal with the fallout and all the stupid questions she’d ask. Is there any other less abrupt way to get her to forget visiting me?
TL/DR: mom is transphobic/homophobic and I need a way to get her to not visit me because I’d be embarrassed of her meeting my friends

ever since i had some horrible experiences with my ex (landed up in hands of the police), they have been kind of traumatized with the idea of me dating. i also lived apart from them during dating so my relationship with them is more distant and strained now. they always want to know what i am doing or who i am talking to, i had to change my laptop password because i found my mom going through it when i was asleep. they always say stuff like 'parents don't want the worst for you' 'you always do bad things' 'you're going down a wrong path' 'you never join in and become an extrovert'. i am an introvert but ever since covid i haven't been able to socialize properly also because of relationship trauma. now i am in a healthy long distance relationship and they're against it as well, calling it fake because it's distance, and that my future is more important than dating. they say that instead of finding people irl to be friends with i just stick with those online (not quite true, i only have an ldr partner and my irl friends are studying worldwide so i don't have a choice). also, they view me differently now that i'm not a virgin. i feel so lost because i genuinely don't want to hurt them, but i can't open up to them. they always lecture me on what i should be doing and i feel stuck that i can't do what they want me to do. what can i actually do? i feel like everything i do is wrong.

Hi there. This is my first post here and I wanted to share my story. I'm f 15 and 2 years back I moved to my father's house. By then I have lived with my mother basically my whole life. My mother moved abroad for work reasons which I don't wanna share with details. From the day I moved to this house my father and stepmother treated me really bad. For example some things they did and still do are yelling at me for not doing the chores how they want or if we have an argument they yell so freaking much and break/ destroy things in front of me. In general they are all the time hysterical and we argue a lot. They never made me feel welcome. They brag about me though to their friends for their reputation, cause we live in a small community. One big thing that I hate about them is that my shitty father was cheating with his currently girlfriend (they're not married) on my mother before I was even born. He prioritizes his girlfriend over me at all times eventhough most times she is wrong. For instance she bodyshames me (I'm 67 kg 1,65) and she's 120kg at 1,50. Ironic I know. Also another example is that she calls me a spoiled brat and lots of other names. They never leave me alone even if ask so. They are narcissists and whenever we argue and they lose to say they play the victims. The last event was cooking a meal that im seriously allergic to ( they knew) and then complain that i didn't eat. Isn't that a little too much? There are lots and lots of other things they have done to me and I could go on days. But I wanna know Am I the A for hating them???

The people involved (names are changed):
Jake – me
Tom – my flatmate
Kath – Tom’s girlfriend
Emily – Kath’s flatmate
TLDR (but context is very important for how the situation develops):
· Me and Emily get with each other at a party.
· It turns out Kath had forbidden Emily from getting with me. Since Emily went and did it anyway, Kath falls out with her.
· Kath ends her friendship with Emily. Me and Emily continue seeing each other.
· When I plan to go to see Emily at their apartment, Tom tells me that Kath is in a really dark place mentally, and the thought of me and Emily being there together while Kath’s there is triggering her anxiety, so he asks me not to go over.
· Me and Emily follow these instructions for months, while Tom and Kath continue coming and going to either of our apartments as they please.
· Emily eventually gets in touch with Kath to try and understand exactly why me coming over is an issue, since Kath has no problem coming to my place. Kath has a meltdown due to this and it makes her suicidal.
· Tom falls out with me because I knew about the messages that caused his girlfriend to feel suicidal.
(Skip to 'Late April' if you want to go straight to the crux of this post, but I do think it's quite an entertaining read).
Background Context
Me and Tom (both mid-twenties) have lived together in our apartment since I moved to the city last year. I’ve known him for several years and would put him in my inner circle of closest friends, so living with him was all just good chill vibes as expected - or at least it was for the first six months.
I met Tom’s girlfriend of several months, Kath, for the first time pretty soon after moving in. Although she was kind of shy, I thought she seemed nice enough. I noticed that Kath would seem to lean on Tom a fair amount when it came to support for her mental health (she had been diagnosed with anxiety), which of course is normal as her boyfriend. On one occasion, she had a particularly bad anxious episode during a group hangout, with Tom consoling her about it afterwards. Following this, Tom seemed exhausted, saying to me “I’m not a professional, I’m not equipped to deal with all this mental health stuff. She needs help from someone who can adequately help her deal with these thoughts. When she blows things out of proportion and she stresses out to me about her anxiety, it just ends up making my own anxiety worse”. He also said that he had even offered to pay for therapy for Kath, but she didn’t want to accept it.
I just felt bad for Tom, especially since I had some understanding of what he was going through. I had previously had a girlfriend who had anxiety/depression/BPD and put all her mental health issues on me. That girlfriend was also very manipulative and would mention suicidal thoughts any time she started feeling like she was losing control over me (just to be clear, there was no indication that Kath was acting in a manipulative way towards Tom at that point). In my experience, when you end up in a situation where you’re essentially acting as someone’s full-time personal mental health counsellor, it hardly ever ends well.
At some point in January, I met Kath’s “bestie” flatmate, Emily. I remember thinking she was cute, seemed nice and easy to talk to. We all hung out as a group a few times that month and I thought there may have been a little bit of a vibe between me and Emily.
So as you do, I slid into Emily’s DMs and basically let her know I was interested. I messaged her a week or two before our party that her and Kath were coming to, but her response was lukewarm so I just thought she probably wasn’t interested.
For context, I had recently broken up with my girlfriend in January, who had just got back from travelling for the last 6 months. Things in that relationship weren’t great before she even went travelling, and during the months she was away I had come to terms with the fact that it was best to end it. I waited until she was back to say it in person, as I didn’t want to drop that on her while she was travelling and ruin that once in a lifetime experience. However, deep down I knew I had wanted talk to other girls and explore new connections for the last few months, but obviously I didn’t want talk to anyone until it was cleanly over. Me messaging Emily was only a few days after breaking up with her, which I guess isn’t great, but in my head I had been ready to move on for a while, I saw no point in putting an arbitrary time limit on myself. I made sure to explain this context when I messaged Emily so that she was aware of my recent circumstances.
The Party (End of January)
So me and Emily end up getting with each other at the party. Initially, when I brought up me messaging her, she said “I think you’re cute, but I think it’s best we just be friends for the next couple months, since you just recently got out of a relationship, and we can see what happens afterwards”. But as the night went on, I guess Emily changed her mind, because as we kept talking it got increasingly flirty and we ended up getting together. Perfect end to the night, right? Not exactly.
At one point when Emily goes to the bathroom, she comes back into my bedroom saying “Kath is furious at me”. I ask why, and she says that Kath had basically forbidden her from getting with me.
Back when I first messaged Emily, she had of course shown Kath the messages straight away. It turns out Kath for some reason had a really intense reaction to this and was like “I can’t believe he has the audacity to hit on my best friend right after breaking up with his girlfriend! It’s so disrespectful using you as a rebound, it’s disrespectful to his ex and it’s disrespectful to me for hitting on my best friend like this! He was the only one of Tom’s friends that I actually liked but he’s ruined that too now!”.
Apparently, Kath had been used as a rebound before and this was triggering for her, so she didn’t want her best friend to be used as a rebound. She said “you can’t get with him, Emily, that’s my boundary.” Emily was a bit taken aback by the intensity of this reaction and was just a bit like “umm okay…?”. She tried a few times before the party to understand a bit more about why Kath had such a problem with it but didn’t get much further explanation than that.
Now, I agree that Emily was in the wrong for saying to Kath that she wouldn’t get with me and then went and did it anyway, and Emily also acknowledges this. Emily should have said from the start she wasn’t okay with this weird “boundary” Kath had set. It was a bit cowardly. Although given how intensely Kath overreacts to things, I can understand why Emily initially just agreed to whatever she was saying to calm her down. I can also understand how when you’re at a party having fun, drinking and realise that you do actually have a good vibe with the person, in the moment you might change your mind and be like “actually fuck that, who the fuck is she to tell me who I can and can’t get with?”.
Kath saw this as Emily having no respect for their friendship, by choosing some guy she’d just met over her. From Emily’s perspective she was choosing herself, choosing not to follow these nonsensical rules that had been imposed on her, and she was just tired of Kath overreacting to everything and trying to control her.
In my opinion, being this controlling for no good reason is pretty disrespectful in itself. Given that Kath’s reason for telling Emily not to get with me was because she didn’t want her to be used as a rebound…well that’s Emily’s risk to take, isn’t it? I can see how from Emily’s perspective, she knew Kath might not be happy about it, but it’s also not some deep betrayal, since based on the reason Kath gave, the consequence would only be on Emily herself. Emily had the exact same knowledge about my recent relationship status as Kath did, so why did Kath think she can tell her what to do?
As we get to further into this post and the real reason why Kath set this “boundary” is revealed, you will see why I actually think any argument Kath has against Emily for getting with me at the party is automatically void, but we will learn these details as they come.
Start of February
After the events of the party, Kath didn’t want to talk to Emily the next day when she tried to initiate communication via message (Kath tends to avoid in-person confrontation). Fair enough, Emily gave her space. Me and Emily spend the next day together just talking and getting to know each other more, and it’s clear that we vibe together and both feel very comfortable with each other, which is pretty rare for both of us.
I don’t see Tom for the first few days after the party, as he had been staying at Kath’s. When I do, I’m a bit surprised that he didn’t think much of Kath’s reaction at the party. He says “yeah I probably should have warned you about this beforehand”. We both agree that Emily was in the wrong for going back on what she said, but also that Kath shouldn’t have tried to control her like that. He did say “sorry I know this put you in an awkward position”.
A few days after the party, Emily again tries to get in touch with Kath via message.
Emily’s message essentially apologised for her actions, saying she was in the wrong for going back on what she said, and that she should have said from the start that she wasn’t happy with this “boundary”. She also said that Kath shouldn’t have tried to dictate her life and tell her what to do, especially when it’s something that’s none of her business, and that she is going to continue seeing me, taking the risk of being a “rebound”.
Kath’s response essentially said the whole incident at the party was only a small part of why she exploded so intensely, this was just the last in a long line of things Emily had done in the past which she had not forgiven her for. This was just the last straw for Kath because “it hit so close to home, so close to the love of my life”. She wanted things to be civil between them until the end of their tenancy, but this was essentially the end of their friendship.
Okay good, Kath flipping out so badly now finally made a bit more sense to me. Obviously, I wanted to know what Emily had done that was so bad to cause this, as any indicators of bad character would inform whether I choose to keep talking to her.
Emily went through these, explaining that these were incidents from their past that they had discussed at the time, dealt with and moved on from. I have cut these out for the word limit as they don’t add much to this post, but it was the most minor, nonsensical things (I can explain in the comments if anyone wants details).
In any case, I wasn’t particularly interested in what mistakes Emily might have made months or years ago, I was more interested in what her character was like now and going forward.
Early/Mid February
So here’s where the main situation we’re in now starts. For context, Kath and Emily’s apartment is in the city center, close to where both mine and Tom’s offices are, so it would make sense to go over in the evening and go into work from theirs the next morning, as Tom has been doing once or twice a week for the last few months.
It's worth noting that ever since the party right up to the present moment, Emily and Kath have not been interacting at all, avoiding each other in their apartment, only messaging for things like bill payments.
The first time I planned to go stay round Emily’s place was early/mid-February. When I mention this to Tom, he tells me that Kath has been having a really bad time mentally since the party, and the thought of me and Emily being there together triggers her anxiety. He asks me not to go over to their apartment for the next couple of weeks or so while she’s in this particularly bad phase. I don’t really understand what me going over and seeing Emily has to do with Kath’s anxiety (and Tom says he doesn't really understand it either himself), but I say okay fine it’s not that big of deal, I won’t go over for the time being.
Now, a valid question for myself is why I decided to keep seeing Emily, despite knowing that Kath had fallen out with her and therefore knowing it could potentially cause fiction between me and Tom. I don’t think I did anything wrong for several reasons:
· I suppose there’s the general visceral reaction against being told what to do. Like mind your own business, it’s not my fault Kath decided to get involved in my business. Why should she get what she wants when she’s the one being unreasonable? Why should we deny ourselves the opportunity of getting to know someone we seem to vibe with just because Tom’s girlfriend doesn’t like it?
· Before I even knew there was any issue at all, it was already too late; I had already gotten with Emily, they had already fallen out, and Kath already thought I was a dickhead. So what good would it do now to not see each other? Kath already didn’t like me (and she had also previously told me that once she doesn’t like someone, there’s no going back, they’re finished in her mind).
· In the initial first few days after the party, both me and Tom were kind of expecting that Kath’s reaction would blow over in a few days after she had cooled down. How could I have predicted that her reaction would instead continue getting increasingly intense as the situation went on?
· Frankly, I was annoyed at Tom at this point. He knew how Kath had reacted to me messaging Emily, so why did he just bend over and enable his girlfriends’ controlling, unreasonable behavior without question? If it was my girlfriend acting like this generally, I’d be like “why are you getting involved in their business, just let them do what they want?”, and especially so if it was directly affecting one of my close friends.
· Fundamentally, there’s no inherent reason why there had to be any issue at all? Okay Kath has ended her friendship with Emily and might not like that we’re seeing each other, but there’s no need for there to be any continued drama. Obviously we won’t all be hanging out as a four having fun like I had initially hoped, but that doesn’t mean we can’t just exist as adults and be civil? The only reason this continues to be an issue in the first place is because Kath is making it an issue for everyone else involved.
· Finally, I actually like Emily – from the first few days it was clear it wasn’t just going to be a FWB situation. If it felt like more of a superficial FWB situation, then yeah I probably would have just thought it’s not worth the drama, even though I thought Kath was the one in the wrong.
Late February
Over the month of February, me and Emily keep hanging out and getting closer. Whilst I was keeping a very close eye on her for any sign of character flaws (it was still possible that Kath could be in the right, even though her side of it didn’t make much sense to me), the more I got to know her, the more it seemed my initial judgment of her was accurate. I saw how she acted with her other friends, they all seemed to really value and appreciate her. I saw her helping out her friend in need of a fairly large amount of money without a second thought, I saw her going to accompany her friend for a medical scan they had, and generally she was really nice and thoughtful with me. Not exactly the behavior of an inconsiderate person.
Sometime in late February, Emily messages me completely baffled. She couldn’t believe that Kath had invited over a girl from their social circle, Dianne. The reason why this is a bit scandalous is because Kath is always talking shit about Dianne behind her back. And it’s not just “she can be a bit annoying sometimes”, it’s an explicit sentiment of how much she dislikes her, how much of a bad person she is and how much she wants her removed from her life. And she does this frequently, I barely speak to Kath and even I’ve heard her rant about how much she doesn’t like Dianne. So, she’s constantly saying this kind of stuff behind her back, and here she is now inviting her round for tea acting all friendly. I just found that so two-faced and this inevitably shaped my perception of Kath being deceptive.
Not long after I heard about this, Kath was round our place over the weekend. Me, Tom and Kath were heading off to our friend’s housewarming party later that day, with me driving us. At one point when the three of us are all in the kitchen, Kath speaks to me properly for the first time since the party, basically to clear the air. She says she doesn’t want there to be any bad blood between us and that her problem wasn’t with me, it was with Emily. I just say that I was cool with her, I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me or when coming over to our apartment, and that the situation between her and Emily was between them and not my business.
I wasn’t entirely convinced with her “clearing the air”, given that I had seen she apparently has no issue with being two-faced, but at the time I thought it was best to stay cool with her for the sake of me and Tom’s friendship and also I didn’t particularly fancy spending the rest of the day and a long car ride with awkward vibes.
End of February
At the end of February, Tom asks me how things are going with Emily and basically advises caution with her. He says that from what he’s seen she’s basically not a good person and she’s generally inconsiderate. I tell him I find that surprising from what I’ve seen of Emily, but I know it’s possible she could have just been putting on a front for the last month. I openly accept this, saying “I want to hear what you have to say, obviously you’re my friend and I respect your opinion”.
Essentially, he doesn’t bring up anything that I hadn’t already been told.
When I question Tom on why Kath thought she was a mind reader and assuming what my intentions were with Emily at the very start of this whole thing, Tom reveals he had since found out that the real reason Kath had forbidden Emily from getting with me in the first place actually wasn’t really to do with me recently breaking up with my girlfriend/using Emily as a rebound (Tom said this was a minor part of the reason, more of an excuse to base it on). It was more that Kath already knew beforehand that she wanted to end her friendship with Emily and was essentially trying to prevent her still being part of her life (i.e. by getting close to her boyfriend’s friend/flatmate).
Now it all made sense why Kath tried to “ban” her from getting with me in the first place. I’m not sure if Tom thought telling me this would make me more sympathetic to Kath’s side of it, but if anything, this deceptive behavior was even more of a red flag to me. As far as everyone (except for Kath) was concerned, her and Emily were best friends. Kath had even said to Emily a couple of weeks before the party that “she was like a sister to her”.
Tom didn’t seem to have much issue with this, saying something along the lines of “yeah I know she shouldn’t have kept all this stuff bottled up, but she doesn’t like confrontation, it makes her really anxious”.
After learning this, I think any argument for Emily being in the wrong for disobeying Kath’s instructions at the party is automatically void: Imagine having the audacity to be like “yeah I know I tried to control you by framing it as me being a protective friend looking out for you, but actually it was really because I wanted to end my friendship with you anyway teehee 😊”. In my view that is just so manipulative. No wonder the reason given to Emily for not getting with me made no sense to her.
When I revealed this to Emily, she said that she had been suspecting that was the case anyway, but it still really hurt to hear it confirmed.
Form her perspective it was like: “So was Kath holding all these grudges all the times I was consoling her for whatever mental health issue she was having at any given time?” (I wonder if Tom was thinking what a bad person Emily was when it was him and Emily staying up till stupid o’clock trying to console Kath who was crying about job applications a few weeks before all this kicked off). There are many other examples of things she had done for Kath in both the recent and more distant past.
Kath also knew that Emily’s best friend had killed herself a few years prior, and after going through the loss of her best friend, Emily had always said she was super hesitant to call anyone her “best friend”. Kath knew about this and still let Emily believe they were best friends, whilst she clearly didn’t really mean it, which I think is quite cruel of her.
Despite what I had seen of Emily so far, I still took what Tom said into account, and continued to watch her carefully.
Mid March
Another couple of weeks pass and given that my last interaction with Kath was her clearing the air with me, I thought everything was now cool between us. I mention to Tom at the start of the week that I’m planning to stay at their apartment later that week and he says “okay cool”. However, later that same evening, he once again asks me not to go over to their apartment. Apparently when he told Kath that I was going over, she started having a panic attack at the thought of me going there.
At this point I’m really started to get frustrated at this situation and again I try to understand exactly what the problem is, because this entire time Kath and Tom have been coming and going to either apartment as they please, so Kath clearly doesn’t have a problem coming to my apartment while I’m there. Tom again says that he doesn’t fully understand it himself, and that Kath doesn’t want to feel this way either, but she’s in a really bad place at the moment and me being there with Emily is really triggering her anxiety.
This makes no sense to me or Emily, because we obviously wouldn’t do anything to make Kath uncomfortable, and from our perspective this is just enabling her dysfunctional way of dealing with this situation.
Even though I still don’t understand what the fuck me seeing Emily has got to do with Kath’s mental health, I’m obviously not going to barge my way into someone’s home when I’m not welcome. So once again, I do as I’m told and say I won’t go over. But I do tell Tom that this situation isn’t going to continue going on like this indefinitely, and to me it feels to me like I’m being walked all over, in the sense of “oh yeah no worries, you two carry on going to either apartment as you please, I’ll just sit here like a dickhead and follow my instructions, don’t worry about it 😊”. He does say sorry and that he knows it’s inconvenient for us, but it's an even bigger inconvenience for Kath.
It’s worth bearing in mind that at this point, I could have responded to this situation by saying that if I’m not welcome at her apartment, Kath is not welcome here (or equally Emily could say to Kath “you can’t bring Tom round”). Whilst yes, it’s a bit petty, I think this would be a completely justified response to prevent a situation where we are being walked all over. Because what would be the alternative? They just carry on doing as they please indefinitely whilst Emily is told she isn’t allowed to have equal use of her own apartment? Now obviously telling your friend that his girlfriend isn’t allowed to come over is really a last resort and would definitely put a big dent in our friendship, and generally I have no desire to control what anyone else does, so of course I didn’t respond in this way.
Despite my frustration at this entire situation, I do feel bad for Tom because I can see how uncomfortable he seems during these conversations with me, he obviously doesn’t want to give me these unreasonable instructions. I can only assume he’s just trying to do whatever he can to keep his girlfriend afloat and prevent her next meltdown. I’ve been there myself dealing with a girlfriend with mental health issues, so I don’t want to actively make things worse for my friend either. However, I’m also worried that it’s likely to get worse for him the more he feeds into it and gets sucked into it.
At this point, the cynical side of me couldn’t help but wonder if Kath was being a bit manipulative and leaning into all the mental health stuff to maintain control of the situation.
· She seemingly is unable to give a reason for exactly why me and Emily being in her apartment makes her so uncomfortable. To me, this was completely indistinguishable from her just hating the fact that we’re together.
· All this reminds me of exactly the same kind of manipulative behavior I saw with that ex-girlfriend.
· She’s shown she has no problem with being intentionally deceptive – maybe if the entire basis of this situation hadn’t started off with Kath being manipulative she would have a bit more credibility in my eyes.
I know this kind of behavior is often not even intentional, and that it can be subconscious where the person doesn’t even realise they’re being manipulative.
(Still Mid March)
Now we get to the part that pisses me off the most in this whole situation. Only a few days after that conversation with Tom, for some reason Kath comes to stay in our apartment for the weekend while Tom was away at a house party. As in, it’s just me and Kath in my apartment.
Personally, I couldn’t imagine having the nerve to say to someone they aren’t welcome in my home because their presence triggers me, and then only a mere few days later actively choosing to go stay the weekend at their place while it’s just us two in the apartment. Like either my presence triggers you or it doesn’t?
Now to be fair, Tom had asked me a week or two beforehand if Kath could come to our apartment to hang out with someone from our friend group while he was away, and I said that was cool. Anyway, those plans fell through, but Kath still came over by herself.
But the main thing that pissed me off about this is that Tom, after knowing that I was already feeling like I was being taken for a mug in this situation, apparently didn’t even think it was worth bothering to check with me if it was still cool with me that Kath came round, given our conversation a few days prior.
If he’d at least checked in like, “I know it’s a bit weird that she’s coming to stay round by herself after having just said that your presence triggers her anxiety”, I still would’ve said okay, because I have no desire to control what anyone does. But it was just the fact he didn’t seem to care, saying “btw Kath is gonna stay here tonight” moments before leaving to his party.
To me it felt like he had spent the last month or so basically giving me instructions to make sure everyone caters to his girlfriend’s feelings, and yet didn’t give the slightest consideration to how this would make me feel. Part of me was thinking does he even see me as a friend or just as an inconvenience to his relationship at this point?
I spoke to Tom in the week following this, expressing how I had felt about Kath staying round. He did apologise and acknowledged he could’ve checked in with me, but he didn’t really seem to understand why her coming over like that was such a kick in the teeth for me. He said Kath doesn’t have a problem with me, it’s only a very specific situation that triggers her (i.e. me and Emily being in her apartment together).
Again I try to understand exactly why it’s a problem. Ever since the party, Emily’s presence in their apartment has consisted of her quietly staying in her room, quickly cooking her food and going straight back to her room. She doesn’t spend 2 hours in the kitchen making food like Kath and Tom sometimes do when he’s there.
Tom again says he doesn’t fully understand it himself. From what he understands, it’s triggering because her home is her safe space and if we’re both there it’s like there’s two hostile presences in that safe space. He reiterated that she is in a very dark place at the moment, and that she’s been having frequent panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.
Tom then says that Kath would be prepared to leave the apartment if me and Emily wanted to meet there, and Kath would basically get out of the way and come to me and Tom’s apartment instead. This did give me a bit more confidence that Kath wasn’t just purposefully making things difficult.
If Kath genuinely meant this, then of course that’s really appreciated, but I’m obviously not going to make her leave her own home and come all the way to ours to then have a 2 hour commute to her work. It’s so over the top and needless. I think that this clearly isn’t a functional solution going forward. What if one day when we want to meet up, Kath has had a long day at work and doesn’t feel like leaving her apartment (obviously, fair enough!), what if she’s got plans with friends in her apartment that evening? In any case, it’s still a situation where rules are being imposed on us, I can never just spontaneously decide to go see Emily one day after work or something. We still can’t come and go freely in the same way they have been doing for the past two months. It would be much better to understand why exactly it’s such a problem and see how we’re going to find a long-term solution, instead of Kath just running away from it.
The cynical side of me was wondering if Kath was just saying this knowing that neither me or Emily are realistically going to make her leave her own home, and if we do agree to it, then she can say “oh look how inconsiderate they are, making me leave my own home just so that they can be in the apartment”, ensuring that she keeps Tom firmly on her side.
Logically, I would’ve thought as time goes on, Kath would eventually get used to the situation and just accept it. Conversely, is it not quite understandable that the longer we have rules imposed on us, the more frustrated we become?
Once again say that I won’t go over and tell him that I won’t press this issue for the time being.
Late April
So now we get to the latest development in the situation, which is the crux of this post.
For the next month or so after that conversation with Tom, me and Emily have just been following our instructions and not pressed anything, whilst they continue coming and going as they please. One weekend we’re talking about the whole ‘Kath situation’ and we say “okay we’ve left it for a while now, it’s probably time to see how we’re going to move forward with this”.
In that next week, Emily sends Kath the following message:
“Hey, I appreciate this message might be uncomfortable but we need to discuss the fact that Jake can’t come here while you’re at home because I know that him and Tom have spoken about this but we’ve never addressed it with each other and I think it’s unfair that they’ve been largely absorbing this conflict this whole time. Can you please tell me what the exact problem would be and how we could make it work? At the end of the day we both pay equal rent here and I should be allowed to bring someone over, especially considering that Tom comes here whenever you want. We’re nothing more than just 2 housemates now and if you were living with a stranger from Spareroom such restrictions couldn’t have existed. I think I’ve let it slide and should have addressed it earlier, but it’s time we come up with a fair solution and I’d like to know if there’s anything reasonable we can do. I don’t want to go into other conversations about our fallout cause that’s done and dusted now, I want to strictly address this issue. Would you like some notice before he comes? I can’t always guarantee how far in advance I can let you know but I will do my best to give you enough time.”
Kath’s response:
“hey, I do not really appreciate this conversation being brought up 2 days before my birthday and I wish we can settle it today and not drag it on. And I do not appreciate you using Tom as a weapon to guilt trip me either. Please let me know if he is coming over tonight so that I can go somewhere else. As u probably already know I am in a really bad place at the moment and being in the apartment with both of you makes me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. I’m already struggling to be there and I have been discussing with the agency about terminating the contract early, the terms have only been made clear to me today so I was going to message you about it. By paying a fee of £660 (£330 each) we can terminate the contract 12^th of June and I wish u will consider this. I will be gone from the apartment for 2 weeks. I would really appreciate it if you do not bring him over in the next few days as I said it will be my birthday and I will be gone for 2 weeks after if you decide to do so after this, please let me know at least 2 days in advance so that I can leave (pack clothes and everything), but do not take advantage of this as it is extremely difficult for me to commute to work – it takes me 2 hours on the bus”
Emily’s response to this:
“I don’t appreciate you using your birthday as a “weapon” to paint me as an inconsiderate person once again as you’re saying you were going to message me anyway about terminating the contract. You always have Tom round without any notice, without ever considering if it was ever uncomfortable for me given what’s happened - but now you expect me to organise our schedule around you? We can’t ever do something spontaneous or simply make plans the day before? Jake won’t be coming tonight or in the next few days until you’re away. I was hoping we could talk about why exactly this makes you uncomfortable and unsafe as it’s quite clear we wouldn’t interact with you or do anything to purposely upset/annoy you. You also had no problem being in his apartment with him without Tom there, so clearly his presence must not be that big of a problem. I am going to get back to you about terminating the contract as I have to figure out where I would go, but I’d love nothing more than to leave this apartment as early as possible too.”
There was no response after Emily’s second message.
Tom comes back to our apartment the next day and ignores me all day until the evening when he asks “Did you know that Emily was going to send those messages?”.
I say “Yes, obviously?”. He responds with “Right, okay” and starts walking back towards his room.
I ask him what was wrong with the messages, and he comes back and says “what the fuck is Emily doing sending messages like that to my suicidal girlfriend?”. He essentially thought the tone of the messages, the proximity to Kath’s birthday and the fact that we’re once again bringing up this issue of me coming round was out of order. He also said that Emily’s 2^nd message was implying that she was just going to bring me round without any notice anyway (looking at the message, no it wasn’t? It was just highlighting the unfairness of Kath expecting us to organise our schedule around her? None of the messages say that I’m going to come over, they are essentially just trying to understand exactly why it makes Kath uncomfortable).
We also did note that it was Kath’s birthday on the Friday (messages were sent on Tuesday). Maybe that wasn’t ideal, but we thought what real difference does it make? This is nothing new, it’s the same situation that’s been ongoing for the last 3 months anyway (and personally, I thought that up until the moment Kath says “okay sorry, I shouldn’t have imposed rules on you” then she shouldn’t expect that this won’t be brought up to her?).
I was a bit shocked at how angry he was and explained that we’re just trying to understand exactly what her issue is, because it still doesn’t make any sense to us. I bring up the general point about Kath imposing rules on people and expects everyone to cater to her feelings, whilst zero consideration has been given to how Emily has felt over the last 3 months, when not only does it make her uncomfortable as well that there are two “hostile presences” in her home, but especially given that those hostile presences have told her she’s not allowed to have equal use of her apartment she also pays rent for.
Tom responds with “but it’s not making Emily feel suicidal is it? Kath was having convulsions on the fucking bed last night after those messages. Why do you keep focusing on this tiny issue of coming to the apartment when my girlfriend is literally suicidal? She’s already said she’d make arrangements to leave the apartment for when you want to come over, and yet you keep pressing the issue and triggering her further”.
In that moment I was a bit taken aback and didn’t have much of a response. I kind of just sat and processed that for a few minutes, thinking “fuck, have I actually been in the wrong this whole time?”. Tom looked exhausted and stressed out, he must have been dealing with Kath’s meltdown the whole of the night before.
I say to Tom “tell Kath not to worry about me coming over while she’s there, I’m not going to, I’ll just leave it for good and won’t press this issue anymore”. Tom doesn’t give much of a response, but I think he says “I appreciate it”. He leaves for his two-week holiday shortly after.
I felt really bad that evening, thinking I had caused Tom to have to deal with whatever horrible meltdown because of me pressing this issue. Maybe I had been overly cynical of Kath, and she genuinely was just trying her best and not meaning to be manipulative.
When Tom got back from his holiday, he basically confirmed our friendship is over because I had known about those messages that caused his girlfriend to feel suicidal.
I’ve thought about the situation a lot since he left for his holiday:
· Looking back at the messages Emily sent, I think the tone is completely fine? Every single person I’ve shown the messages to has said they are actually quite kind and empathetic, and way nicer than they need to be given Kath’s behavior over the last 3 months.
· Tom’s reaction was essentially “how dare Emily have the audacity to ask for a reason why she hasn’t been allowed to have equal use of her own apartment for the last 3 months!”
· It’s true that Tom had mentioned that Kath had been having some suicidal thoughts a month prior, but I didn’t know that this would directly impact that, especially since I thought the message was quite nice and sensitive. Just the weekend before this Tom and Kath were out clubbing, having fun and they were going on holiday later that week. So obviously I didn’t realise she was still feeling so bad. How could anyone expect that simply asking the question of “why does this make you so uncomfortable” would result in this reaction.
· As soon as I did realise how intensely Kath had reacted, and what Tom had had to deal with as a result, I backed off straight away, saying that she doesn’t have to worry, I’m not going to press it anymore.
· Realistically, if this is how Kath reacts to being asked for basic fairness, then I think really she needs to be in a mental health crisis centre or hospital, not just carrying on with everyday life as if everything is fine, and certainly not in a situation where she’s imposing rules on people.
· At the end of the day, Kath’s mental health is not my responsibility, nor is it Tom’s responsibility. I think it’s unfair of Kath to have made it his problem to such a large degree.
Logically, I don’t think I’m in the wrong, and yet Tom’s reaction to this makes me feel like I’m going crazy. That’s why I wrote out everything’s that’s happened from start to finish to “audit” myself and evaluate each of my actions throughout the entire situation. I’ve looked back and don’t think I’m in the wrong for anything I’ve done. The only explanation I can think of is that Tom has been so deep in all of Kath’s mental health stuff 24/7 that he’s just not thinking clearly about this situation.

I'm not certain of everything I'm going to say but I'm going to say how I think the logic of Dark Souls works. At the start, time is static and the world grey and bland and filled with still dragons made of stone. These dragons aren't living or dead. They're basically still objects.
Magic fire called the First Flame shows up underground. The fire floods the world with souls. The basic plain white souls you use as currency I will call plain souls. The still dragons get animated by these plain souls. The empty husks underground get animated too.
In Dark Souls the word 'Hollow' is an umbrella term usually meaning a body lacking a soul. Hollow meaning empty inside. I think in Dark Souls a person is not their soul but their mind, and that their soul is just a powersource. The mind is truly them. Souls aren't directly responsible for consciousness. All moving and living beings need souls to power them. Ghosts in game aren't fully people, when someone dies in Dark Souls you sometimes get hold of their soul. People leave imprints upon their soul when they die. These Souls maintain traits of their previous owner. Such as using a boss soul to make a weapon associated with them. It has its own structure. You can also crush this complex soul into the basic building blocks of souls which are plain souls. Ghosts are just souls of people who died which poorly mimic the actions and traits of their previous owners. You never really see any Ghosts doing anything new that they wouldn't have done in the past. It's just a functioning impression of someone engraved into a soul.
Light beings naturally die fully when killed which is any being stemming from the Death, Life and Light Souls. Some Silver Knights respawn only because they are illusions. Some creatures that aren't related to the Dark Soul such as rats and dogs which were likely made using the Life Soul respawn as they have eaten humans and have a Dark Soul of their own fueling them. As long as a creature has a big enough amount of souls or just a big enough soul, it is able to sustain the energy for the movement of its vessel.
The FF has 4 major souls which are represented as glowing balls of fire. The biggest soul being the Light Soul which Gwyn has. The Light Soul is associated with the flow of time and space and also lightning. 3 souls are white, light and bright while 1 is Dark.
There's a Life Soul which the Witch of Izalith uses. This soul is likely responsible for most animals in game. It also made Demons.
Nito has a Death Soul which allows all living beings to truly die, including humans if the FF is powerful enough to let his soul do that. Nito also made life using his soul by animating dead human skeletons and giants. I'm not certain if skeletons are sentient beings as they have no brain so they're likely just magical soldiers puppetted by necromancer or possibly sentient magic.
Dark makes humans.
Gwyn placed the Dark Sign upon humams which causes them to lose their Dark Soul slowly as they start to die physically or mentally. Each physical or mental death brings them closer to losing themselves. Loss of motivation or physically dying causes the Dark Sign to eat away at their humanity which fuels them. When a being loses enough of its soul it can't function properly. It goes mad and rabid and hungers for souls. Once a person goes mad they don't seem to go back to sanity. No matter how much humanity or souls a hollow consumes it stays mad. Ever since the Dark Sign was made humans were linked to flame. If flame weakens then humans revert to their immortal state but with the consequences of losing themselves upon the use of immortality which made humans so powerful. This limits their immortality. In order to kill a human fully in Dark Souls the Age of Fire needs to be active so the flame is strong enough to boost the Death Soul to kill them. If the FF is weak then humans will have to be killed repeatedly until they hollow and killed further until even the hollow loses enough of its Dark Soul so that it can't move or maybe it just actually dies as the humanity was burned fully by the Dark Sign.
All things in Dark Souls need the FF in order to kill them. The FF seems to be a fire that fuels the power of the Light, Death, Life Souls. If it weakens then so does the influence of these souls. The light Soul gets weaker and the sky duller. Humans return to their default state of immortality as the Death part of the FF can't burn their soul completely. Idk how the Life soul is affected. Maybe people can't be born until the FF is strong again. Each time someone dies it takes power from the Death Soul.
The Dark Soul is a soul that never really fades as time passes. It is associated with hunger and cold and a still peace. The Dark Soul is a good fuel source for the FF as Dark is something that in the real world never needs energy to exist. It exists in the absence of light. Creatures born of the Dark Soul are naturally immortal. They can die and come back later with no problem. I think dying is humanities' talent as when they die with a Dark Sigil, which is basically a mark of humanity without the insanity causing fire ring, the sigil gets stronger. This allows players to get more level.
Leveling up in Dark Souls is the process of fueling your soul to increase your power. Flame can use humanity as kindling. People with Light Souls can have it consumed and slowly replaced by Dark. Such as Velstadt. No matter the vessel and its soul, a person gains strength with a stronger soul. Souls can be fueled with many types of souls. Even creatures born of light souls seem to be able to gain strength through souls. Such as Seath as he should be far weaker than Kalameet but as he has some of Gwyn's soul he seems to be quite on par with Kalameet. Sister Friede is quite small but she has a powerful soul which allows her to throw you into the air and have 10 times your health. It gets confusing as creatures have multiple types of souls on them. Humans in game seem to have an ability to absorb souls from the air around them and store it somewhere on them where it can be spent and used. Humans always are powered by their Dark Soul. If they start losing their humanity they begin going insane. Having motivation seems to stop a person going mad and having their humanity burnt so severly by the Dark Sign. It gives them a reason to cling onto life and last longer.
In DS3 you are an unkindled. You aren't a basic undead. You were undead who burnt themselves to ash as you weren't powerful enough to fuel the FF. Your character in game seems to be powered by light souls. You don't use humanity but embers to fuel your new light soul. Humans look like hollows naturally without the fleshy stuff that light seems to give an illusion of. As you are now a light being you look like a fleshy human. Unless you get a Dark Sigil which is your very own Dark Soul which causes you to look like a husk, a corpse, an actual lore accurate human.
When you kill a human in game you get their plain souls that they carry as well as a piece of their humanity. Usually anyway. If you kill a primeval human which I don't think is bound by the Dark Sign it seems to die completely which is strange. Maybe you absorb it's essence completely not allowing it to take shape. If you kill Manus or Nashandra you get the plain souls that they accumulated and their Dark soul. They have their own soul that isn't just labeled humanity for some reason. That when crushed turns into white plain souls and not broken down into fragments making humanity. So plain white souls must be what all manner of souls are made from. But for some reason you can't break humanity down into plain souls. Humanity is the smallest fragment of a Dark Soul you can get before it loses it's form and breaks down further into plain souls I'm guessing.
Bonfires seem to have a bubble of time that it affects around it. In DS2 if you strengthen the flame of a bonfire the enemies seem to get stronger within the area around it. You seem to be able to strengthen enemies linked to the fire. Including humans. As light is related to time and space in DS the bonfire seems to be able to reset time for certain things. Allowing you to have a perpetual amount of souls to be farmed from enemies as long as the fire is lit.

the story is a long one. It starts with one of my friends, lets call him A. A was a good friend till 6/7th. During that time Covid struck so not much interaction with him. During 9/10th he got close to the top group the one with the toppers and assholes (they didnt like me, i scored well but stayed with the boys) we didnt have much interaction at that time but during 10th beginning we got close again and became good friends. During 11th, I really got into self improvement. Towards the middle of the session, I realized he would only contact me when needed or just send reels with no meaningful conversations. Whenever we would talk he would just talk about his other group (the one with a manchild who only goes to the gym and flexes how disciplined he is and talks shit about others, then two chainsmokers who just travel daily on their parents money) and how the manchild bugs him daily and how fed up he is with him but he still sticks with him because he is conventionally attractive and the others in the group are the kewl kind (smoking, vaping, drinking, clubbing, travelling all the time). I got to realize that i no longer could connect with him and that he would call me his 'homie' but displayed behaviors opposite to it. The biggest incident was when he told me and other friends (B who is on self improvement with me, C who became my friend this year and we trust each other, he tells me his secrets as well) that he would meet us on Saraswati Puja but stood us up. He told us he was really busy with some important work. Guess what, he uploaded his insta story where he met with the manchild RIGHT NEXT TO THE PUJA PENDAL and even went to eat with that group. The worst part? friend B say him with a girl (valentines day as well) where he saw him handing her flowers (he never told us about her). B got close to A just in 11 and this devastated him (both of them live close and went to the gym together but later stopped as A went to the gym too late) as he opened up to A. B called me all teary eyed (we went our ways after i gave him some money for an uber as i felt that that he would have to go home by bus and i had another function at home to help my mother), i consoled him and he went home. C too was angry but is not very close to A so wasnt as angry or sad as Me and B. I called some from his other group who is pretty chill and is just stuck with them as he is the manchild's friend and asked him about the girl. he told me that the girl was A's previous gf who he broke up with to get with a cheating gf which wrecked A's mental for the entirety of 10th. He told me how A was negligent even after getting together with her and that during a christmas party when his group and her went there. A left her alone to get food for the group, yes leaving his date alone because get it, the manchild was throwing a tantrum. The fucking nerve on that guy. AND THAT SLIPPERY BASTARD calls everyone else useless or retards because they dont go to the gym. THAT SPASTIC SPENDS 16 HRS DAILY ON CLASH AND INSTGRAM BTW, UPLOADING ASSTHETIC KA 14 pics.
me, B and C have cut him off and the guy from that other group has also distanced himself as we are in 12th and all that group does is roam mindlessly, take pics, eat out and go to gym.
Another story is that, another one of my "friend" had gone to boarding to study and has returned. However he had told me that he would not come back home this time and would stay there and study for 12, and guess what he told his return to almost everyone except me. He even went to eat out with people he calls annoying and disturbing but couldnt bother to tell me. Oh and he and A went to travel on a daily basis the last time.
I feel betrayed as after months of improving myself i realised that these guys weren't my friends. I thought the boarding guy was my friend because me, A and B went to his house on a weekly basis when he was here but now i realize it was always me organizing the meets and never him calling me or B there.
Right now i'm so content with my progress and the fact that me and B are on self improvement. but i just feel that i put so much effort for naught. the thing is that me, B and C are a bit unhinged but social when needed. the thing is that we dont pretend to be social at school that much and A is a sucker for fitting in so i always felt like he felt embarrassed from us. i now guess i was right.
Atleast B and C are my close friends as they are much more grounded and humble. C even called me to his secret birthday alongside B where he didnt even call any of his neighbourhood friends or childhood friends and we have honestly gotten to trust each other a lot.
Its just that A and boarding guy just seems like such wasted effort. Should i cut them off gradually like i do now or cut them off rapidly? I srsly need some help

Hi all, I thought I should post an update to my PAO recovery since many of you were very helpful in the weeks leading up to surgery. I am 17 (female) and got a PAO on my right hip. I was admitted and operated on Friday and was discharged Monday evening. I was nervous leading up to it, but since it was an early morning surgery, I didn’t have much time to spiral. The best part is that the drugs knock you out so the worst is over quickly. So when I woke up I didn’t need to worry about the surgery, it just happened and now then I needed to deal with the recovery. I was surprisingly in good spirits, but I don’t remember much from the first night. I did throw up above five times and did not eat a thing until the next day. I wasn’t in too much pain thanks to the nurses who were really kind and caring. The night time nurses were a bit abrupt however. I needed to change positions every few hours and the night nurses did it rather violently and did not seem to care much when I specified what hurt.
That was the first night. They made me walk the next afternoon which was terrible. The drugs made me lightheaded and I only walked about ten steps and then fell asleep once I was back in bed. They made me get up a second time later in the day and it was much better. I didn’t go any further, but I didn’t feel dizzy and I was able to stay awake once I was back in bed.
On Sunday, so the second night, they took out my catheter, the drain leading from my hip, all the monitors and the IV. Some friends visited and I was a lot more comfortable with my pain levels.
On Monday, after the third night, they prepared to discharge me. I had to pass the stairs test and actually did more than the physio expected of me. I practiced going to the bathroom multiple times, got my X-rays, talked to a resident and went over my medication plan. A really kind nurse washed my hair and helped me take a sponge bath and change my clothes. Then I was cleared to leave.
Back at home I wished I was in the hospital just one more night. It was a little scary doing everything with just the help of my parents, but I survived and was much more comfortable in my own bed. I am taking less medication than what was prescribed and I think I am progressing a good amount each day. Even if the progress is that I can squeeze my abs for three seconds longer than the day before.
If you’re still reading here, thanks I know this is long, but if anyone has questions I’m happy to answer or post more updates as time goes on. Overall, I would say the hospital team really contributed to how I feel, I can’t stress how kind the nurses were. I would also say that a lot of my worries have been eased mostly just because the surgery has happened, which would be the best advice I would give someone who is stressed about their upcoming surgery.
Anywaysssssss that’s all!!!!

My (56M) Dad has always been very opinionated to me (22M) and my boyfriend (33M). He would say homophobic things like, why do people have to force gayness down my throat, and how he didn’t like hearing me going to town, licking my boyfriends bum hole.
This continue for a couple months after i moved back in with my bf, to my parents house. Every time we did the deed i would hear the tv get louder as if he was trying not to hear us. In return we would speed up the gay sex and pleasure so that we made more noise. My final straw was when i heard the front door slam shut as he stormed out for a “walk” but i knew he just didn’t like hearing the sound of my boyfriend cumming.
so eventually one day after he’s asleep on the couch, i get this great idea. me and my bf both mutually looked at each other as if we had the same idea. So we tied my dad up with his hands and legs bound so he couldn’t move, and put a gag in his mouth. Next we positioned his favourite chair in front of the couch and woke him up. He was very confused on how he was in this situation, but he soon understood , as me and my bf both passionately started making out and striping down. Next my bf started sucking me off and my dad tried to close his eyes but we forced them open. i swear i saw a tear roll down his face. anyways finally we get to the good part as im bouncing all up on my bfs thick chinese dick, with my erectile penis bouncing in the air and we both cum all over his face.

All right, so some context here. I live in a house that is an exact mirror of the house next door, and we have a shared driveway. Yards are pretty close, it's close quarters, so I always expected some minor issues with a new neighbor simply because it would be difficult not to be in each other's space. However, the situation as it stands is...well, here goes:
Bought a house 2 years ago. A year later, someone buys the newly-renovated twin house next door. They have several kids I see the first couple days they're moving in. I think great, my kiddos will have someone to play with.
I get to know the neighbors and find out they're from the Congo and several of them don't speak english (I'm in USA). Ok, no problem, we can work with that. However, within weeks of moving in, several things occur:

• Their kids, aged between 2 and 6 (there are 4 total that live permanently there, many more when relatives visit) start running rampant. They're knocking on my windows and pissing off my dog, taking toys from my garage, wandering into my garage while I'm using tools, and just generally unsupervised. The one kid likes to take his pants down wherever he pleases and piss everywhere, including in my yard, on my house, and in my plants. Just the other day, those kids opened the back door and went wandering around the neighborhood. I saw them in the street, took them home, and no one answered the door. I'm pretty sure they were just left home by themselves.
• The kids themselves are aggressive; biting, hitting, scratching, taking toys right out of my kids' hands.
• The adults burn trash freely in a pile in the backyard. I'm talking full plastic trash bags, PVC pipe, and more. There's a pile of debris that just lives in the backyard now.
• They keep live chickens in their garaage tied to a chair, which they then slaughter in a kiddie pool (I'm not making this up lol) in the garage for food. I'm assuming they're just dumping the blood down the garage drain.
• They constantly block the driveway with their vehicles so I can't get in or out, and they have a total of 5-6 vehicles because there are anywhere from 10-12 people living in the single-family home.

This is really just the main stuff I could think of. During the course of them living there, I have attempted several times to be the caring neighbor.

• I've talked to one of the moms of the kids about letting really young kids run free like that. I mean sometimes they're just in the street, no supervision, no adults around. I've tried to explain that A) It could be dangerous because people fly down our road, and B) They can't just be in peoples' yards unsupervised.
• I've tried to initiate conversation about the trash burning, and even gave them some cinderblocks and helped them build a fire ring for wood. They promptly disassembled it and repurposed the cinder blocks for a sort of pathway.
• I've called Children's Services to see if they had the resources to help bridge the language gap and maybe provide some resources or information about how things work here, but not sure what happened there. This was out of genuine concern, since the mom I talked to either didn't understand what I was saying or just didn't care, because the behavior has continued with no change.
• I've created a sort of working relationship with the patriarch of the family, but he speaks very little english and so the language gap prevents us from communicating effectively. That being said, he always says hi, we chat sometimes, but it's hard to really explain or converse about anything in depth.
• I've given them seeds for their garden, let them use my bike pump, my lawnmower, and other tools.
• I'm always courteous about the driveway, their space, and make sure my kids don't hang out in their yard or mess with their things.

Some of the family members give me dirty looks or flat out won't speak to me, and I don't understand why they feel that way when up to this point, I've been nothing but nice.
Now, I've tried my best to keep this relationship tenable because we have to live next to each other, but I'm at my wits end here. I understand there's a cultural and language gap, but they don't even seem interested in trying to integrate a little bit into the societal expectations we have, like at the very least supervising your 2 year old outside, or y'know not letting your kid piss on my house and not slaughtering fucking chickens in the garage.
I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to start calling the police every time I see those kids running around unsupervised, because I know damn well when one of those poor kiddos gets splattered by the idiots flying down my street, everyone's gonna turn their heads and wonder what happened. Then I'm going to feel guilty because I can't jump every time I see these kids running around the neighborhood potentially putting themselves in danger.
Not to mention, now there's a rat living in my garage drain and I've seen the damn thing running back and forth between houses. Luckily I think one of the neighborhood's feral cats actually killed the rat, but when I told the neighbors about it, they didn't seem the least bit interested. Am I the asshole here? I don't know what to do but I know I'm pretty sick of being worried about other peoples' kids destroying my property or getting killed because of neglect.

(This is the first time im going to post this on the internet and probably the last time since i cant really share stuff about myself because i think other people shouldnt care about my own problems but its really giving me a hard time at this moment..)
My ex and i part ways 4 years ago.. Well it did hurt at the time but i had a relationship after we split that ended too because i cant keep someone beside me while im still missing my ex
I dont know we were only together for a short time but she really means alot to me She was my life.. No one made me feel that way in any part of my life.. only her.. I have no friends to talk to i only have acquaintances or clients at my job that i talk to..
Im not trying to get back with her i miss her but i respect her decision to be with someone she likes
I just cant get her off my heart i know i love her but i dont really want her back i dont really know what to do
I tried focusing on myself and all but she just keep knocking on my head trying to get in again from time to time
We have talked about this too lately she was ok with it.. i didnt asked her back to me i just cant ask her to be with me again i dont know maybe i just dont want to be rejected.. We just spoke to each other about how things are going just casual talks..
There are some others that are asking me out i just dont feel attracted to anyone anymore..
I cant ask her to be with me again but if she really wants to then i cant say no to her..
If someone is feeling the same i wish the best for you..
I am 20 years of age if anyone is wondering..

Hello everyone, I am an engineering student, I live in Bogotá and I am 25 years old. I'm a virgin and I've only had one relationship in my entire life (and it wasn't a very good one). I suffer from OCD, Depression, Anxiety, dissociation and ADD. I'm a little desperate because the truth is I've never felt good about myself in my life and since I fell on the FAP it's gotten worse. I am very insecure about myself and the truth is I feel very bad. I tried to leave the FAP for a long time, the most I managed was for approximately 1 year (but then I had a girlfriend and she left me and I fell again). From a very young age my older brothers made me feel bad about myself, and they made fun of me and made me cry in multiple ways (not that I want to victimize myself but something that I believe deep down made me feel the way I feel). Since that moment of a year I have tried to quit multiple times, it lasted a month, two three and even 6 but I relapsed.
I have sought professional help but nothing (within the psychological support offered by the university, it is not very good, I currently do not have health insurance), I have also sought religious help but it has not been a good result either.
I am in the last semesters of engineering, but I don't have a job (I do unpaid internships, I am in a national research institute, but they don't pay me either and in all the jobs they painted me money as work and well I can't leave them because well if I don't get They cannot pay me for my internship and the opportunity to enter the institute is possible but I don't know why they are far away with me); Sometimes I play soccer, also sometimes I practice calisthenics (the problem is that due to depression I quit being honest or because of the conditions of the university I am overloaded and I am always tired or unmotivated, and now with the internships the institute and the university I can't find the time), I also do photography but like all the above I am not constant, I try to discipline myself but nothing.
I feel like a parasite in my home and since I can't help financially with anything, I feel bad because my brother blames what he gives. That really stresses me out and I relapse into the FAP.
I don't want to victimize myself or sound like someone who has nothing or who doesn't know that there are lives much more complex than mine (that hurts me more to know that there are things much more complex and difficult and I can't get out of that loop of thoughts), But even though I know all this and try to stop seeing things as so bleak and value what I do more, I can't get out of it.
I don't know what to really do, my thoughts are already taking on ideas that are somewhat dark for my integrity, and I had to find some way to say this both to vent (because I don't tell this to anyone, I always put on masks so as not to be vulnerable) and Well because I'm already desperate.

**TL;DR; I’m worried my boyfriend doesn’t find me attractive. To give some context - we have been dating for just under 1 year. He’s super sweet and shows a lot of love through actions (like helping out proactively without me asking, carrying things for me, opening doors, buying flowers, immediately changing any behaviour I say I don’t like etc) but not through words. For the first two months he didn’t give me a single compliment, but after this point randomly said “I just realised I never told you how beautiful you are”. I thought this was nice but it also got me thinking about it and why he hasn’t. He claims not to be a very verbal communicator, which I to some point can see. For further context, I’m not an unattractive woman. I’ve been told I look like a blond, more athletic Barbara Palvin many times, as well as a blond Natalie Portman. My point isn’t whether or not that is 100% true, but more that I am not ugly and often get told by others that I am very good looking. I’ve gotten asked to model many times but I am personally really turned off by things that I find very superficial, so I’ve said no. I also have an athletic body type, and am toned but do not have massive boobs that I feel many men may be drawn to.
When this worry initially came up I decided to look through his Instagram followers (just a few as he follows a lot of people) to see if he was the kind of guy who followed influencers. There were a handful of accounts of Instagram “models”. And I thought to myself “this must be what he finds attractive”. By this I mean the very artificial look; fake tan, lip filler, acrylics, hair extensions, big boobs etc - and to me it suddenly made sense why he never complimented me. I prefer a natural look and pride myself on natural beauty I’m also outdoorsy and climb a lot (so acrylics are a no go) but if this is what he likes there’s no way he is attracted to me. In addition I’m a creative person and my style is more fashion-y and subtly sexy than sexy sexy. He says he likes this, but I’m wondering if what he prefers is the overtly sexy (tight outfits, low cut etc). Part of the reason this bothers me is not because of jealousy (I like the way I am and don’t want to change) but to me there is something tasteless about these types of looks. And of course everything is personal preference and people should look how they want, but to me it says something about your values and interests. If he likes these things it also says something to me about how he views women and that maybe we have some core (and critical) differences in values that I shouldn’t overlook.
I confronted him about it. And after a few talks (initially I was trying to play it cool and didn’t let him know how much and why this made me uncomfortable) he unfollowed as many as he could and continued to unfollow the others as they popped up in his feed. And I know that he actually did do this.
Despite this, this still effects me. He compliments me rarely. We have talked about this and he makes an effort to do it more but says it doesn’t come naturally to him, which also comes across as the compliments seem stiff. Periodically he will struggle to finish when we “do it”, he blames this on stress (and to be fair this usually only happens when he’s running late for work already or similar situations). But I can’t help but think if he was with someone who looked like these girls he used to admire he would be complimenting her all the time and would be much happier and would never struggle to finish.
I love him and he’s great for me but I believe attraction is a big part of a relationship. I asked him about this too, saying I don’t understand how he can find that look and me attractive at the same time. First he said he didn’t find it attractive, but I pointed out that it made no sense to follow such accounts if he didn’t. He later admitted that he did find it attractive, but he finds lots of different looks attractive and that he followed those accounts when we was single and living semi off-grid (he works with outdoor sports and touring). I find this hard to believe (that he can find two so polar opposite looks attractive) and am stuck wondering if I should leave him, despite everything else being good. This has become a rift in our relationship and I’m struggling to see if I am being too black and white (and maybe a little dramatic) or if he really just doesn’t find my type of woman attractive.
Any thoughts? Is what he’s saying true or am I being lied to? And why do men find this very artificial look attractive?
For background details I have a history of dating narcissists and have abusive exes and am maybe used to being love bombed.

My husband (43) and I (38) have been together for 5 years and have accomplished a lot together. He can be sweet, thoughtful, and respectful. He's the kind of guy to give me massages when I'm sore and never complains about having to run out to the shop suddenly or deal with me when I'm a bit cranky. He can listen very attentively and make you feel like you're the only one in the world.
But I often feel deeply alone. I've carried a lot of the lift in the relationship. Life planning, coordination, money, food, etc. all fall to me (he does do chores but mentions that it's often overwhelming). And he frequently freezes when faced with stress. Whether it's a fire alarm, me getting ill, or even a certain topic, he shuts down.
It used to be worse. When we first dated he was a bit of a hoarder (scarcity mindset) and his parents didn't set him up super well in life in certain aspects (e.g. he didn't know how to use a swing until last year). Don't get me wrong, he's a capable adult (think doctor, vet, engineer-level career success), but his cultural/family background has led to challenges. Coming from a household with a lot of yelling and parents who battled each other, his response is to freeze and ignore problems or things he doesn't want to hear. He also possibly has ADHD according to his therapist (but he's not interested in doing anything about it) resulting in him being easily overwhelmed.
And now we're going to couples therapy (again) to try to save the marriage. But he's blocked the situation from his mind to such a degree he is just going through the motions of attending, not applying anything, and has all but forgotten that we were trying to save our marriage. Literally forgot. I had to remind him last night.
He's a beautiful person and says he deeply wants to be with me. But I'm tired of being the only one trying and feeling like my role is just to improve his life and well-being, while my own needs neglected.
But it seems salvageable? But I'm told to be more patient... Anyone have experience with overcoming this?