Pain in right side of chest when breathi

I was diagnosed 16 years ago, but I'd never actually fainted. Every other symptom conceivable and lots of "oop, dizzy, let me sit" moments, but never passed out.
Then I was at work - I'm a stagehand - and was not only feeling okay, I was feeling great and killing it at this stage teardown. We'd been working about 8 hours with only a 30-minute lunch, but usually if I'm moving I'm okay because it helps "stir up" my blood, and they regularly brought us water that I usually put electrolyte packets into. I took some pins from the roof supports to the cases near the back of the stage and... woke up on the terraplast 7 feet below. The flooring over the field that can support a stage and two massive cranes.
Spent a day and a half in the hospital - long story about them being more focused on the condition I know well than my actual injuries - and two weeks later I'm still pretty badly hurt. Pic of my arm from scraping over the edge of the stage, but what really hurts is my back just to the right of my spine and as of the last few days some ribs on my side/chest. Thankfully there were riggers over us so I had a hard hat on, it came apart but it kept me from head/neck trauma. I'm mostly mad that my best friend (poor thing, he was worried sick) and I both missed out on hundreds of dollars that we would have made for the remaining 8-10hrs.
Guess I'll be wearing a hard hat on every stage once I can work again.
So anyway, what injuries have you sustained from syncope episodes? My mom has gone down the stairs, and once she passed out holding a glass lemonade picture and, you can imagine how that went. I want to hear your stories!

venting First time posting about this anywhere. Here’s my story. Hoping someone else’s in close to the same and maybe they can help me out.
It all started August of 2022. Woke up one night with a ringing in my head that wouldn’t stop. It finally subsided and I moved on for a couple days. Then it came back but not nearly as loud a couple weeks later. I didn’t pay much attention to it into the winter time. Went and saw an ENT, had mris, had my hearing checked and bloodwork done. It all come back great so really no answers. I started to think it had to be my neck because that was basically all that was left that could give you T. I’m a painter for 20 years and had a couple falls over the years. Neck was always stiff but nothing crazy. Started going to to PT for it and noticed some improvement. Then I went to an NFL football game in January 2023 with no hearing protection. Didn’t think it would matter cause my hearing was supposedly fine and I thought the T was from my neck. After the game my ears rang for 2 weeks straight. Family almost baker acted me because I was starting to talk crazy. Then it finally just stopped thank god. Since then it’s been on and off for a year and a half. I have earplugs in my pocket everywhere I go. It’s not just the T but the noise that feels like it goes right into my soul. I hate loud places anymore and won’t even go. I’ll have months straight where my T doesn’t bother me and I’m starting to think it’s gone and then boom it comes back. It’s not super loud, I can’t usually hear it if I’m outside. It’s when I’m in a quiet room, or driving in a vehicle or trying to go to sleep I hear it most. I hadn’t had problems with the T in months and then I started playing tennis again. Right away it was back, like my neck bouncing around brought it back. I accidentally bumped into a parking post pretty hard a few months back and had minor whiplash and my ears bothered me for a week. I helped a friend move one day and carried heavy stuff and that also spiked my T. Also when I move my neck to the side my T gets louder. Pretty convinced at this point is my neck causing it but then I think why did the football game or loud noises cause it to spike too. Like even if you don’t have ear damage and your T is from cervical issues can noise still flare it up? Other weird stuff like alcohol or tobacco don’t flare up my T like they say it does. I drank all day a couple weeks ago and didn’t hear it all day. I have an ocd type brain and this shit has consumed my thoughts for almost 2 years. When I’m outside 99 percent of time I can’t even hear it. Only in super quiet rooms or when I’m about to go to sleep. Sometimes I think I may just have hypercausis instead of T because certain sounds drive me crazy. Friends and family say the normal things like you’ll get used to it but I just can’t. Have an appt in a month with a neurologist because lately I’ve been having headaches too so want to see if it’s related to the T. Also might go see an osteopath doctor in my area, anybody had luck with those? Well anybody that’s read this far I sincerely appreciate any feedback. Sorry for the long post but this is the first time I’ve really just gotten this all out.

Current cards: Chase Freedom Unlimited. 2,200 limit, May 2022.
Fico: 720
Oldest account: 2 years this month.
Chase 5/24 status: 1/24
Income: 32,000
Average monthly spend:
Dining: 400-600
Groceries: 200-300
Gas: 80-120
Travel: 30
Other: 30
Open to business cards: no
Reason to open card: building credit and occasional traveling.
Any cards I've been looking at: Venture X or CSP
Okay with category spending or general spending card: I'm quite alright with either, though I do lean towards general spending.
So I have a few bankers in my family, and after 2 years of holding onto the CFU, I feel I want to start branching out, building more credit and learning to use points, since I do go on about 1-3 flights a year. Naturally I ask some of the bank workers in my family but they give me mixed suggestions. One side tells me that because I only have 1 card and my credit score is solid, they recommended C1 since I hear they are much more approving of clients with a slim credit portfolio, and that my position gives me a relatively good shot at picking up the VX + Savor One combo. I go to another banker in the family, who recommended I take a CSP and try to finish the chase trifecta, since I've already gotten a CFU, and told me that the trifecta is best gotten early if possible.
So I've been looking around and researching the comparisons but It's actually been really hard to pick. Also for clarity, the reason I'm looking for a travel card now specifically is because I actually do have a flight in a few months, and want to benefit from the protections and rental car insurance on that one if possible, and I was in the interest of having one in the long run.
So, the VX comes to mind. And there's a lot about it I like. It sounds like a very simple card to use, and the idea of it being a catch all card is quite appealing to me. The issue though is that I fly domestically. I read that C1 has no domestic airline partners, and that while it's technically possible to transfer miles into a domestic flight, I hear it's tricky, awkward, and you are not really guaranteed to get the reward flight you want ? I'm still willing to learn the trick to it, but I hear it's a pain if you don't you internationally.
Then there is CSP. I have the CFU, and it's served me well these 2 years when I needed it. I know I'm pre-approved to get one if I sign for one, and it still has the travel protections and rental insurance that I personally value, and they would be easier for me to use seeing they have domestic flight partners. However I hear that the CSP as an actual card to pay stuff with is kind of meh, relying on the trifecta to act as an engine of sorts. Which kind of gives me a weird feeling of having a card to not pull from my wallet.
It's just been hard to decide. And given the people I know IRL have been mixed between these 2 choices.

In the ’80s, the spy agency investigated the "Gateway Experience" technique to alter consciousness and ultimately escape spacetime.
The intrigue revolves around a classified 1983 CIA report on a technique called the Gateway Experience, which is a training system designed to focus brainwave output to alter consciousness and ultimately escape the restrictions of time and space.
The CIA was interested in all sorts of psychic research at the time, including the theory of applications of remote viewing, which is when someone views real events with only the power of their mind. The documents have since been declassified and are available to view.
This is a comprehensive excavation of The Gateway Process report. The first section provides a timeline of the key historical developments that led to the CIA’s investigation and subsequent experimentations. The second section is a review of The Gateway Process report. It opens with a wall of theoretical context, on the other side of which lies enough understanding to begin to grasp the principles underlying the Gateway Experience training. The last section outlines the Gateway technique itself and the steps that go into achieving spacetime transcendence.
Let’s go.
THE TIMELINE
• 1950s - Robert Monroe, a radio broadcasting executive, begins producing evidence that specific sound patterns have identifiable effects on human capabilities. These include alertness, sleepiness, and expanded states of consciousness.
• 1956 - Monroe forms an R&D division inside his radio program production corporation RAM Enterprises. The goal is to study sound’s effect on human consciousness. He was obsessed with “Sleep-Learning," or hypnopedia, which exposes sleepers to sound recordings to boost memory of previously learned information.
• 1958 - While experimenting with Sleep-Learning, Monroe discovers an unusual phenomenon. He describes it as sensations of paralysis and vibration accompanied by bright light. It allegedly happens nine times over the proceeding six weeks, and culminates in an out-of-body experience (OBE).
• 1962 - RAM Enterprises moves to Virginia, and renames itself Monroe Industries. It becomes active in radio station ownership, cable television, and later in the production and sale of audio cassettes. These cassettes contain applied learnings from the corporate research program, which is renamed The Monroe Institute.
• 1971 - Monroe publishes Journeys Out of the Body, a book that is credited with popularizing the term “out-of-body experience.”
• 1972 - A classified report circulates in the U.S. military and intelligence communities. It claims that the Soviet Union is pouring money into research involving ESP and psychokinesis for espionage purposes.
• 1975 - Monroe registers the first of several patents concerning audio techniques designed to stimulate brain functions until the left and right hemispheres become synchronized. Monroe dubs the state "Hemi-Sync" (hemispheric synchronization), and claims it could be used to promote mental well-being or to trigger an altered state of consciousness.
• 1978 to 1984 - Army veteran Joseph McMoneagle contributes to 450 remote viewing missions under Project Stargate. He is known as “Remote View No. 1”.
• June 9th, 1983 - The CIA report "Analysis and Assessment of The Gateway Process" is produced. It provides a scientific framework for understanding and expanding human consciousness, out-of-body experiments, and other altered states of mind.
• 1989 - Remote viewer Angela Dellafiora Ford helps track down a former customs agent who has gone on the run. She pinpoints his location as “Lowell, Wyoming”. U.S. Customs apprehend him 100 miles west of a Wyoming town called Lovell.
• 2003 - The CIA approves declassification of the Gateway Process report.
• 2017 - The CIA declassifies 12 million pages of records revealing previously unknown details about the program, which would eventually become known as Project Stargate.
THE REPORT
Personnel
The author of The Gateway Process report is Lieutenant Colonel Wayne M. McDonnell, hereon referred to simply as Wayne. There isn’t a tremendous amount of information available on the man, nor any photographs. In 1983, Wayne was tasked by the Commander of the U.S. Army Operational Group with figuring out how The Gateway Experience, astral projection and out-of-body experiences work. Wayne partnered with a bunch of different folks to produce the report, most notably Itzhak Bentov, a very Googleable American-Israeli scientist who helped pioneer the biomedical engineering industry.
A scientific approach
From the outset of the report, Wayne states his intent to employ an objective scientific method in order to understand the Gateway process. The various scientific avenues he takes include:
• A biomedical inquiry to understand the physical aspects of the process.
• Information on quantum mechanics to describe the nature and functioning of human consciousness.
• Theoretical physics to explain the time-space dimension and means by which expanded human consciousness transcends it.
• Classical physics to bring the whole phenomenon of out-of-body states into the language of physical science (and remove the stigma of an occult connotation).
Methodological frames of reference
Before diving into the Gateway Experience, Wayne develops a frame of reference by dissecting three discrete consciousness-altering methodologies. He’s basically saying, there’s no way you’re going to get through The Gateway without a solid grounding in the brain-altering techniques that came before it.
1) He begins with hypnosis. The language is extremely dense, but the basic gist is as follows: the left side of the brain screens incoming stimuli, categorizing, assessing and assigning meaning to everything through self-cognitive, verbal, and linear reasoning. The left hemisphere then dishes the carefully prepared data to the non-critical, holistic, pattern-oriented right hemisphere, which accepts everything without question. Hypnosis works by putting the left side to sleep, or at least distracting it long enough to allow incoming data direct, unchallenged entry to the right hemisphere. There, stimuli can reach the sensor and motor cortices of the right brain, which corresponds to points in the body. Suggestions then can send electrical signals from the brain to certain parts of the body. Directing these signals appropriately, according to the report, can elicit reactions ranging from left leg numbness to feelings of happiness. Same goes for increased powers of concentration.
2) Wayne continues with a snapshot of transcendental meditation. He distinguishes it from hypnotism. Through concentration the subject draws energy up the spinal cord, resulting in acoustical waves that run through the cerebral ventricles, to the right hemisphere, where they stimulate the cerebral cortex, run along the homunculus and then to the body. The waves are the altered rhythm of heart sounds, which create sympathetic vibrations in the walls of the fluid-filled cavities of the brain’s ventricles. He observed that the symptoms begin in the left side of the body, confirming the right brain’s complicity. Bentov also states that the same effect might be achieved by prolonged exposure to 4 - 7 Hertz/second acoustical vibrations. He suggests standing by an air conditioning duct might also do the trick. (David’s Lynch and other celebrities are committed adherents to transcendental meditation today.)
3) Biofeedback, on the other hand, uses the left hemisphere to gain access to the right brain’s lower cerebral, motor, and sensory cortices. Whereas hypnosis suppresses one side of the brain, and TM bypasses that side altogether, biofeedback teaches the left hemisphere to visualize the desired result, recognize the feelings associated with right hemisphere access, and ultimately achieve the result again. With repetition, the left brain can reliably key into the right brain, and strengthen the pathways so that it can be accessed during a conscious demand mode. A digital thermometer is subsequently placed on a target part of the body. When its temperature increases, objective affirmation is recognized and the state is reinforced. Achieving biofeedback can block pain, enhance feeling, and even suppress tumors, according to the report.
The Gateway mechanics
With that, Wayne takes a first stab at the Gateway process. He classifies it as a “training system designed to bring enhanced strength, focus and coherence to the amplitude and frequency of brainwave output between the left and right hemispheres so as to alter consciousness.”
What distinguishes the Gateway process from hypnosis, TM, and biofeedback, is that it requires achieving a state of consciousness in which the electrical brain patterns of both hemispheres are equal in amplitude and frequency. This is called Hemi-Sync. Lamentably, and perhaps conveniently, we cannot as humans achieve this state on our own. The audio techniques developed by Bob Monroe and his Institute (which are comprised as a series of tapes). claim to induce and sustain Hemi-Sync.
Wayne employs the analogy of a lamp versus a laser. Left to its own devices the human mind expends energy like a lamp, in a chaotic and incoherent way, achieving lots of diffusion but relatively little depth. Under Hemi-Sync though, the mind produces a “disciplined stream of light.” So, once the frequency and amplitude of the brain are rendered coherent it can then synchronize with the rarified energy levels of the universe. With this connection intact, the brain begins to receive symbols and display astonishing flashes of holistic intuition.
The Hemi-Sync technique takes advantage of a Frequency Following Response (FFR). It works like this: an external frequency emulating a recognized one will cause the brain to mimic it. So if a subject hears a frequency at the Theta level, it will shift from its resting Beta level. To achieve these unnatural levels, Hemi-Sync puts a single frequency in the left ear and a contrasting frequency in the right. The brain then experiences the Delta frequency, also known as the beat frequency. It’s more familiarly referred to these days as binaural beats. With the FFR and beat frequency phenomena firmly in place, The Gateway Process introduces a series of frequencies at marginally audible, subliminal levels. With the left brain relaxed and the body in a virtual sleep state, the conditions are ideal to promote brainwave outputs of higher and higher amplitude and frequency. Alongside subliminal suggestions from Bob Monroe (naturally), the subject can then alter their consciousness.
The Gateway system only works when the audio, which is introduced through headphones, is accompanied by a physical quietude comparable to other forms of meditation. This increases the subject’s internal resonance to the body’s sound frequencies, for example the heart. This eliminates the “bifurcation echo”, in which the heartbeat moves up and down the body seven times a second. By placing the body in a sleep-like state, The Gateway CD’s, like meditation, lessen the force and frequency of the heartbeat pushing blood into the aorta. The result is a rhythmic sine wave that in turn amplifies the sound volume of the heart three times. This then amplifies the frequency of brainwave output. The film surrounding the brain—the dura—and fluid between that film and the skull, eventually begin to move up and down, by .0005 and .010 millimeters.
The body, based on its own micro-motions, then functions as a tuned vibrational system. The report claims that the entire body eventually transfers energy at between 6.8 and 7.5 Hertz, which matches Earth’s own energy (7 - 7.5 Hertz). The resulting wavelengths are long, about 40,000 kilometers, which also happens to be the perimeter of the planet. According to Bentov, the signal can move around the world’s electrostatic field in 1/7th of a second.
To recap, the Gateway Process goes like this:
• Induced state of calm
• Blood pressure lowers
• Circulatory system, skeleton and other organ systems begin to vibrate at 7 - 7.5 cycles per second
• Increased resonance is achieved
• The resulting sound waves matches the electrostatic field of the earth
• The body and earth and other similarly tuned minds become a single energy continuum.
We’ve gotten slightly ahead of ourselves here though. Back to the drawing board.
A psycho-quantum level deeper
Wayne then turns to the very nature of matter and energy. More materially (or less if you will), solid matter in the strict construction of the term, he explains, doesn’t exist. The atomic structure is composed of oscillating energy grids surrounded by other oscillating energy grids at tremendous speeds. These oscillation rates vary—the nucleus of an atom vibrates at 10 to the power of 22, a molecule vibrates at 10 to the power of 9, a human cell vibrates at 10 to the power of 3. The point is that the entire universe is one complex system of energy fields. States of matter in this conception then are merely variations in the state of energy.
The result of all these moving energies, bouncing off of energy at rest, projects a 3D mode, a pattern, called a hologram, A.K.A our reality as we experience it. It's best to think of it as a 3D photograph. There’s a whole rabbit hole to go down here. Suffice it to say, the hologram that is our experience is incredibly good at depicting and recording all the various energies bouncing around creating matter. So good, in fact, that we buy into it hook, line, and sinker, going so far as to call it our "life."
Consciousness then can be envisaged as a 3D grid system superimposed over all energy patterns, Wayne writes. Using mathematics, each plane of the grid system can then reduce the data to a 2D form. Our binary (go/no go) minds can then process the data and compare it to other historical data saved in our memory. Our reality is then formed by comparisons. The right hemisphere of the brain acts as the primary matrix or receptor for this holographic input. The left hemisphere then compares it to other data, reducing it to its 2D form.
In keeping with our species' commitment to exceptionalism, as far as we know humans are uniquely capable of achieving this level of consciousness. Simply, humans not only know, but we know that we know. This bestows upon us the ability to duplicate aspects of our own hologram, project them out, perceive that projection, run it through a comparison with our own memory of the hologram, measure the differences using 3D geometry, then run it through our binary system to yield verbal cognition of the self.
The click-out phase
Wayne then shows his cards as a true punisher, issuing, "Up to this point our discussion of the Gateway process has been relatively simple and easy to follow. Now the fun begins." Shots fired, Wayne. What he's preparing the commander reading this heady report for is the reveal—how we can use the Gateway to transcend the dimension of spacetime.
Time is a measurement of energy or force in motion; it is a measurement of change. This is really important. For energy to be classified as in motion, it must be confined within a vibratory pattern that can contain its motion, keeping it still. Energy not contained like this is boundary-less, and moves without limit or dimension, to infinity. This disqualifies boundary-less energy from the dimension of time because it has no rate of change. Energy in infinity, also called "the absolute state," is completely at rest because nothing is accelerating or decelerating it—again, no change. It therefore does not contribute to our hologram, our physical experience. We cannot perceive it.
Now back to frequencies. Wave oscillation occurs because a wave is bouncing between two rigid points of rest. It's like a game of electromagnetic hot potato (the potato being the wave and the participants' hands being the boundaries of the wave). Without these limits, there would be no oscillation. When a wave hits one of those points of rest, just for a very brief instant, it "clicks out" of spacetime and joins infinity. For this to occur, the speed of the oscillation has to drop below 10 the power of -33 centimeters per second. For a moment, the wave enters into a new world. The potato simply disappears into a dimension we cannot perceive.
Theoretically speaking, if the human consciousness wave pattern reaches a high enough frequency, the “click-outs” can reach continuity. Put another way, if the frequency of human consciousness can dip below 10 to the power of 33 centimeters per second but above a state of total rest, it can transcend spacetime. The Gateway experience and associated Hemi-Sync technique is designed for humans to achieve this state and establish a coherent pattern of perception in the newly realized dimensions.
Passport to the hologram
In theory, we can achieve the above at any time. The entire process though is helped along if we can separate the consciousness from our body. It’s like an existential running head start where the click-out of a consciousness already separated from its body starts much closer to, and has more time to dialogue with, other dimensions.
This is where things get a little slippery; hold on as best you can. The universe is in on the whole hologram thing, too, Wayne writes. This super hologram is called a "torus" because it takes the shape of a fuck-off massive self-contained spiral. Like this:
Give yourself a moment to let the above motion sink in...
This pattern of the universe conspicuously mirrors the patterns of electrons around the nucleus of an atom. Galaxies north of our own are moving away from us faster than the galaxies to the south; galaxies to the east and west of us are more distant. The energy that produced the matter that makes up the universe we presently enjoy, will turn back in on itself eventually. Its trajectory is ovoid, also known as the cosmic egg. As it curls back on itself it enters a black hole, goes through a densely packed energy nucleus then gets spat out the other side of a white hole and begins the process again. Springtime in the cosmos, baby!
And that is the context in which the Gateway Experience sits.
[Deep breaths.]
THE TECHNIQUE
The following is an outline of the key steps to reach focus levels necessary to defy the spacetime dimension. This is an involved and lengthy process best attempted in controlled settings. If you’re in a rush, you can apparently listen to enough Monroe Institute Gateway Tapes in 7 days to get there.
The Energy Conversion Box: The Gateway Process begins by teaching the subject to isolate any extraneous concerns using a visualization process called “the energy conversion box.”
Resonant Humming: The individual is introduced to resonant humming. Through the utterance of a protracted single tone, alongside a chorus on the tapes, the mind and body achieve a state of resonance.
The Gateway Affirmation: The participant is exposed to something close to a mantra called The Gateway Affirmation. They must repeat to themselves variations of, “I am merely a physical body and deeply desire to expand my consciousness.”
Hemi-Sync: The individual is finally exposed to the Hemi-Sync sound frequencies, and encouraged to develop a relationship with the feelings that emerge.
Additional Noise: Physical relaxation techniques are practiced while the Hemi-Sync frequencies are expanded to include “pink and white” noise. This puts the body in a state of virtual sleep, while calming the left hemisphere and raising the attentiveness of the right hemisphere.
The Energy Balloon: The individual is then encouraged to visualize the creation of an “energy balloon” beginning at the top of the head, extending down in all directions to the feet then back up again. There are a few reasons for this, the main one being that this balloon will provide protection against conscious entities possessing lower energy levels that he or she may encounter when in the out-of-body state.
Focus 12: The practitioner can consistently achieve sufficient expanded awareness to begin interacting with dimensions beyond their physical reality. To achieve this state requires conscious efforts and more “pink and white noise” from the sound stream.
Tools: Once Focus 12 is achieved, the subject can then employ a series of tools to obtain feedback from alternate dimensions.
Problem Solving: The individual identifies fundamental problems, fills their expanded awareness with them, and then projects them out into the universe. These can include personal difficulties, as well as technical or practical problems.
Patterning: Consciousness is used to achieve desired objectives in the physical, emotional, or intellectual sphere.
Color Breathing: A healing technique that revitalizes the body’s energy flows by imagining colors in a particularly vivid manner.
Energy Bar Tool: This technique involves imagining a small intensely pulsating dot of light that the participant charges up. He or she then uses the sparkling, vibrating cylinder of energy (formerly known as the dot) to channel forces from the universe to heal and revitalize the body.
Remote Viewing: A follow-on technique of the Energy Bar Tool where the dot is turned into a whirling vortex through which the individual sends their imagination in search of illuminating insights.
Living Body Map: A more organized use of the energy bar in which streams of different colors flow from the dot on to correspondingly-colored bodily systems.
Seven days of training have now occurred. Approximately 5 percent of participants get to this next level, according to the report.
Focus 15 - Travel Into the Past: Additional sound on the Hemi-Sync tapes includes more of the same, plus some subliminal suggestions to further expand the consciousness. The instructions are highly symbolic: time is a huge wheel, in which different spokes give access to the participant’s past.
Focus 21 - The Future: This is the last and most advanced state. Like Focus 15, this is a movement out of spacetime into the future.
Out-of-Body Movement: Only one tape of the many is devoted to out-of-body movement. This tape is devoted to facilitating an out-of-body state when the participant’s brain wave patterns and energy levels reach harmony with the surrounding electromagnetic environment. According to Bob Monroe, the participant has to be exposed to Beta signals of around 2877.3 cycles per second.
CONCLUSIONS
Wayne expresses concern about the fidelity of information brought back from out-of-body states using the Gateway technique. Practical applications are of particular concern because of the potential for “information distortion.”
The Monroe Institute also ran into a bunch of issues in which they had individuals travel from the West to the East Coast of the U.S. to read a series of numbers off of a computer screen. They never got them exactly right. Wayne chalks this up to the trouble of differentiating between physical entities and extra-time-space dimensions when in the out-of-body state.
Wayne swings back to support mode though, lending credence to the physics foundation of the report. He cites multiple belief systems that have established identical findings. These include the Tibetan Shoug, the Hindu heaven of Indra, the Hebrew mystical philosophy, and the Christian concept of the Trinity. Here he seems more interested in hammering home the theoretical underpinnings that make The Gateway Experience possible, rather than the practical possibilities promised by The Gateway Tapes.
Possibly with his CIA top brass audience in mind, Wayne then gives an A-type nod to The Gateway Experience for providing a faster, more efficient, less subservient, energy-saving route to expanded consciousness. This finishes with a series of recommendations to the CIA for how to exploit Gateway’s potential for national defense purposes.
The missing page
One curious feature of The Gateway Report is that it seems to be missing page 25. It’s a real cliffhanger too. The bottom of page 24 reads “And, the eternal thought or concept of self which results from this self-consciousness serves the,” The report picks back up on page 26 and 3 sections later as if Wayne hadn’t just revealed the very secret of existence.
The gap has not gone unnoticed. There's a Change.org petition requesting its release. Multiple Freedom of Information Act requests have demanded the same. In all cases, the CIA has said they never had the page to begin with. Here’s a 2019 response from Mark Lilly, the CIA’s Information and Privacy Coordinator, to one Bailey Stoner regarding these records:
One theory goes that that rascal Wayne M.-fricking-McDonnell left the page out on purpose. The theory contends that it was a litmus test—if anyone truly defies time-space dimensions, they’ll certainly be able to locate page 25.
[Cosmic shrug.]
Writing Credit Vice
​
CIA Declassified Report– The Gateway Experience
Here is a copy of the Missing Page 25
There will be a Gateway Help Post following within the next couple days. Thought you might be interested in a little history in the meantime. Cheers!

Hi all, I have had a severe flare up at the start of this year to where probably 70% of my body was covered with psoriasis. But this was like nothing I have experienced, irritated and painful constantly. I began using urea moisturiser and other moisturisers religiously sometimes multiple times a day which kept the pain at bay however if I went 24hrs without moisturising it became severly uncomfortable. I was referred to a derm back in feb/march and now have my appointment in a couple weeks. My plan was to try and make my case for skipping phototherapy which is the next step on the NHS because to be blunt all I have seen and read are negative, having to go through multiple tries and the psoriasis almost always came back from what I saw. However the past week my psoriasis has changed majorly, my upper body was entirely covered with the exception of my chest and it was constantly inflamed however it has moved from a deep red to light pink and even started to disappear completely in some areas. This is a concern because I have no pictures of my worst state and I find it pretty difficult to put into words the severity of it, I dont want to seem like I am overdramatic when I explain to the derm what it was like but I also find it important to explain how bad it got. I also dont know what treatment step is best now, I still have psoriasis over my whole body of course but I feel my case for skipping phototherapy (which I have no idea if it is possible to) is much weaker now. Any advice? and apologies for the essay

I am back with another review for my holy grail - the AB lip balm-again, it’s gonna be a long post.
As I have mentioned again and again, the AB balm is the one to rule them all. It moisturizes, it removes my lip peeling, and prevents future peeling. It has a heavenly texture, and no matter how much you apply it to your lips, there is no pilling or white cast even after rubbing your lips together. Don’t get me started with how it feels on your lips, my lips feel sooooo pillowy (not sure if that’s a word). This has also been the first winter that my lips have not cracked or been painful dry…and it is this beautiful texture that is its downfall.
I was very excited when I found out that Augustinus Bader was coming with a color version of this lip balm with a collaboration with Sofia Coppola . It’s no exaggeration that I’ve been through at least 15 tubes of this lip balm. I keep one accesible at all time (purse, desk, by my bed, etc) … that’s how much I like it.
The version comes with a very cute colored strip at the base of the tube and colored logo at the top. On the inside of the tube, the letters are also highlighted with color. The change is minimal, but meshes well. Whoever was in charge, did a good job.
The AB balm texture continues to be its original buttery, and light formula. For reference, I chose the shade #1. Now, if you’ve ever used watery lip tints, you’ll know that they will settle into dry spots. For me it makes those dry spots a shade darker and make my lips overall, blotchy. Some also settle into your lip lines if you don’t blot them with your finger. This is exactly what the AB tinted balm does, it’s just that in this instance, it is its amazing formula that works against it. The color settles immediately on my lip lines, it is not a smooth even application of color that a lip stain like a Rare Beauty Lip Oil would give you . It also leave (hopefully this makes sense) an outline of color where the rounded edge of the lip balm touches my lip. Meaning that it leaves patches of colored lines on the outline of my lips. I’m disappointed, so disappointed. I REALLY REALLY wanted to love it, but I can’t…the only way to salvage it is to even it out with my fingers, but that defeats the purpose of an easy, no mirror application. If you are not careful with its application, you’ll look like a baby that’s learning how to eat and has food all around their lips after slurping spaghetti!!!
Now, this tinted balm did give me an idea. I felt that its texture would mesh well with a tint or stain. I have a lot of leftover AB tubes. I save them, scrape the leftovers at the bottom of the tube, melt and fill a little pot with it.
This time around, I dug through my lippies and chose my Cha Cha Benefit tint in “mango”. I melted all my lip balm leftover on a wax burner. I (generously, but did not measure it) poured the lip tint in the melted lip balm. This made the AB melted lip balm solidify a bit, but as soon as it warmed again, it melted and after stirring it, it combined beautifully. I did noticed that it solidified easily as soon as I pulled it away from the wax burner and so I had to work fast…and Voila!!! It turned soooooo goood! My hunch was right and my little experiment worked!
As soon as the leftovers from the pot I melted the lip balm on solidified, I tried it on. Guys, the melting process did not destroy its original texture (although I have yet to see how this mixture will work in a lip tube form). The color spreads smooth on my lips, no blotching or settling on my imperfections or dry lips, and with the cute color payoff!
So, with little extra work, I came with the best of both worlds! My favorite of all time lip balm, but with a “personal improvement”.
I do hope that in the future, Augustinus Bader will come with a similar product… and as soon as that happens, I will be getting my hand on them too!

When I joined, it was before the temple excommunicated Daisaku Ikeda. So, I was being pulled in two different directions when that happened. I remember getting lots of red flags when I started. There was intense pressure for me purchase a subscription to the SGI newspaper, tons of pressure to attend hon meetings, buy books, etc. And suddenly Daisaku Ikeda was front and center, his photo was in the temple, he was to be revered. I loved going to chant in groups, but was not into hon meetings and refused to proselytize. The constant pressure by others to "participate" was a huge turnoff to me. I had to do things "their way" in ways that didn't relate to the spiritual practice. Then they issued a revised sutra book that included Daisaku Ikeda's name in the chanting. I was done. For me this situation was like the boiling frog. I came in before the split happened, so things seemed legit until they didn't and I was told I had to pick sides and I had to pick the side of Daisaku Ikeda. NONE of this was why I came into Buddhism in the first place.
I also found the constant "zen is evil" assertions bizarre. I'm not interested in condemning other spiritual practices, ever. That felt very anti-buddhist to me.
You can absolutely practice Nichiren Shoshu buddhism without any affiliation with SGI. There are Nichiren Shoshu temples that are un-affiliated with SGI and the sutra book does not include Ikeda's name. SGI unfortunately sullies Nichiren Shoshu buddhism. I practiced for eleven years total and then quit. I met someone who while we were talking said she was SGI and I said I had been too. This was over ten years ago. She said "President Ikeda said we only have to chant for 15 minutes instead of 45 and we'll still get the full benefit" (or something like this, essentially saying it wasn't necessary to do the entire Gongyo). So Ikeda was now playing god with sutra. I knew I'd made the right decision to quit years before. I personally think Daisaku Ikeda was a bad guy, a narcissistic cult leader. A lot has been done to suppress criticism of him. AMA!
edit: typos / clarity

So, I've kind of posted about this in other threads, specifically on askreddit, but by some users request, I will do my best to fully relay this entire tale up to the current point, as well as provide as much context I am able (and will provide missing context if asked in comments).
Part 1: CONTEXT
Me and my wife have been together since early 2014, and married in late 2017. We have been through much together, including two extended deployments, one of which was 10 and a half months long. We have traveled the world together, lived on both coasts of the US, and despite much of our struggles and how things eventually went down, I was always convinced we would work as a team to overcome any issues.
The friend in question was, largely, an online friend. We met playing an MMO during covid and we quickly formed a very tight knit, but small, community that were very close that included me, my wife, my friend, his wife, and 4 other friends. Covid was a wild time and I was surprised how easy it was to form friends in this group and we kept in touch, as a whole, even once quarantine had ended and most of us had moved on from that particular game. This was a group that, while it started online, we have met most of these people several times IRL and had vacations to spend time together and just hang out.
Part 2: His Problems
Fast forward to about January of 2024. My buddy, from here on out I will refer to as Z (and for a quick add, I will refer to my wife as D), contacts us to tell us his condition is dire and he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver as a consequence of his extensive drinking. Shaken, we quickly charter a flight out to visit. Within a week, we're staying with him and his wife and his roommate and a couple members of his family who are taking care of him. This man is bloated, yellow, and probably about 350lbs now. We are worried, but stay supportive and positive that help can be found, especially since he seems keen on changing his lifestyle for the better. Some of his family start a gofundme that we donate to, and many of the people in our gaming circle who have grown close also donate several thousand dollars (One member of our raid team donated 10k. You never know who is stealth rich on the internet I guess). Me and several other friends discuss the possibilities of helping him get on disability and even getting ourselves tested as compatible living donors. Sad, but hopeful, we depart about a week later, and stay in constant touch.
About a month later, I'm getting a call from one of our mutuals letting me know that "Hey, so I may have goofed up." and tells me how Z's wife had visited him and had a 3 way with him and his wife. I am obviously irate at this and turn to back Z up with comments like "So much for in sickness and in health, huh?" I do what I can to stay supportive, and my wife, D, also makes it a point to stay in touch with him as he has found himself banished to the couch of his apartment. Not even allowed to sleep in his own bed and frequently uncomfortable even being in his bedroom to use the PC.
I'm not particularly rich, but I am not poor either. I served in the military and have a high VA rating which means a constant income and have a steady job and a couple side gigs that pay well enough. My love language, in many ways, is gift giving. I pride myself on being able to pick a good gift, even if it's a little early for an occasion such as a bday or christmas, and will often pull the trigger on something if it means a lot or I think it will help. In this case, my brother was selling an old steam deck because he wanted a new OLED model, so I figured "two birds, one stone", and buy the steam deck off him and send it to Z so we can still game together.
In the intervening months, Z and D start playing games that I have no interest in (Disney Dreamlight Valley), but I am happy to play other games and hang out and chat. Really, nothing seems amiss, but since his banishment, me and my wife are both pushing for him to come and take up the spare bedroom we have in our home. Soon enough, I buy him a plane ticket and he arrives with little more than the clothes on his back and we take him in, no cost other than the expectation that he might help around the house a bit (he was a chef, so having a cook and someone to help clean was ideal for me who often did not have the time or energy to handle these tasks as thoroughly as I would like).
Part 3: The Incident
Now, I am skipping ahead a little bit here, but there's not much to be said about the time between. My wife worked part time hours, and when she did go to work, she'd have him tag along just so he wouldn't "Sit and stew with bad thoughts" at the house alone. I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs because I trusted him, but more importantly, I trusted her with my life.
One new, frequent argument I found myself having with her was she would fall asleep on the couch, and when I finally tried to go to bed, I'd do my best to wake her and drag her upstairs. These became extremely frequent occurrences and I expressed to her how frustrated I was that I had to fight with her just to come to bed so we could sleep (mind you, this is not even about sex. Often I'm taking her to bed at like, 1am and I work at 7, so I really just wanted her to be sleeping in the bed). Hell, one time, I started catching the vibes that the longer I sat and waited for her to be ready to go upstairs, she just never would be, because they were waiting for me to leave so they could talk in hushed tones. On THAT particular night, I went upstairs alone with her finally awake, and she did not join me for another half hour.
Finally, the day arrives. Its Sunday. We are all downstairs hanging out. One of their newest habits I can't really stand but just dealt with is that she'd sit and crochet while he doomscrolled or strummed on a guitar I bought him and listen to music videos on youtube endlessly. Eventually, I grow weary and give my wife a kiss and tell her I'm gonna go upstairs and play some GW2 for a bit.
About an hour passes, and she enters the game room and tells me "I am uncomfortable. I really need to talk to you. Oh, you're dying!" (As she entered the room, I immediately turn face to talk to her and disregard the game, but she decided that my Charr was more important that what was about to happen, so she of course warns me.) We step into the bedroom and close the door.
"You're going to hate me," she says through tears, "me and Z kissed!" At this point, my brain short circuits and I recall one of my first thoughts being "Oh lord, here we go." and just a general desire to not be a part of this conversation. Shock sets in almost immediately. Still with a healthy dose of denial, I talk to her about what had happened and told her that it needed to end. Even at this point, I did not want to send this man home. Was it shock? Denial? Probably a mixture of the two, or some other additional emotional responses. She gets up after some discussion and goes downstairs, promising to shut him down, but comes back about 15 minutes later sobbing "I couldn't do it! I couldn't end it..." (Side note: In my confused haze of a mind, I feel personally threatened, and after she leaves the bedroom, I lock the door and grab a metal water cub I keep at my side and prepare to actually fight if it comes to it, but once she returns, I back off that idea again.)
Talking with her more, I present her with two options; Couple's therapy, or divorce. BOTH of these options are world ending to her, and she even goes so far as to suggest that just because I said the "D word" that it was what I wanted, which was objectively untrue. We talk back and forth about things I don't quite recall at this point, aside from one point where she comes back and locks herself in the master bath and tells me to call 911, she doesn't care, because she's going to take a bunch of pills, but after a couple of hours, Z shows up to the door and knocks and asks if he can come in. I tell him he may enter, and we talk for a bit. After about 5ish minutes, we decide to go downstairs to the living room and continue the discussion.
Once I sit down on the sofa, I immediately feel like I'm being positioned as the bad guy. I'm in the corner of our sectional, and she's on my left, he's on my right. She tells him "He said it's either a divorce or couple's therapy." "Oh, so he gave you an ultimatum?" I continue to argue that yes, those are the two only options. Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option." I am thoroughly baffled at this statement.
D: I didn't think it was possible and I didn't mean for it to happen, but I have fallen in love with another man. My heart has room for two. I truly have two soulmates. I have never been happier than sleeping on the couch next to my two boys.
Z: There is no reason you guys can't stay married, and we can explore what we've found. I mean, look at how happy she has been since I have been here!
Sick to my stomach, I get up to go vomit in the toilet. Now, I wore a silicone wedding ring, and often find even with a hand wash, a little water tends to get trapped under it. After I finish and wash myself up, I come back and am playing with my ring to dry it. She sees this as a sign that I am uncomfortable again wearing my ring, and takes off her ring as I sit back down and hands me her wedding ring.
Me: Uh, excuse me?
D: This is what you want, I can tell.
Me: No? I was washing my hands and water gets stuck under my ring...
D: Oh... I thought... okay. (And she takes back her ring from me)
I tell her, very clearly, the options are to either end things with him, or end things with me. At this point, I'm still in shock, but sober in mind enough to decide that this is not worth fighting over. I will not argue with my own wife my merits or why she shouldn't just pack up and leave with a jobless, now essentially homeless man, and if she cannot figure that out herself then I will eventually move on.
Crying, sobbing, she sits down in front of him and says, "I'm so sorry, I fought for you. I really did. I told you I'd fight for you and I failed. I loved being your girlfriend, but I need to be a good wife and stay."
Z says "Alright." and starts to go gather his things to leave. As he does, she grabs him and says "No, wait! Please don't go. I don't know what I want."
Z: Ok, well if we're getting all this out in the open, I want to say this. I love this girl. I love her with my whole heart, and without her, life is not worth living. I will not leave this house if you (me) tell me to. Only her. You are taking this very well right now, I can tell you want to hit me (Still in shock, no, I can genuinely say that emotion or thought had not actually registered outside of the event upstairs earlier), but this is my stand.
D: OP, we had a good run. I'm sorry.
And with that, I get up and go to get my sandals and leave the house to get some air. As I try to go, she runs to the door and he follows her. She pushes the door closed and says "No wait, please!"
Me: No, this is the deal. I'm going out to get some fresh air. I am not threatening self harm to "win you back".
D: Will you be back?
Me: I don't know.
Z: Man, I'm telling you, you don't understand, you think I am your enemy, but I am not.
And with that, I leave and shut the door.
In the about, hour, I am gone, I drive around near the house and I call my supervisor who I have a very good relationship with (and I did not want to involve direct friends or family yet because I'm afraid it's too early to start spreading this news). I go over to her house nearby and we chat shortly. After our talk, I have at least something of a clear head and go home, with words for both of them.
As I arrive home, there is no one downstairs. I go upstairs. His door is closed. I knock on the door.
Z: Uh, one second.
I wait for about 5 agonizing seconds, but I refuse to be shut out of rooms in my own home and open the door. He is shirtless, and she is hiding in the corner just out of sight of me. I look him in the eye.
Me: Really?
Z: Yep.
Me: Get out of my house.
And with that, they both silently pack their things and leave.
The second I hear the front door close, I start calling people. I am not above pettiness, and the first person I call is her mom, whom I have a good relationship with. She is SHAKEN and immediately calls her. (I find out later that it was a particularly harsh verbal beating by her, but it really doesn't change anything.)
When I come downstairs to check the state of the house, I see her wedding ring on the counter. I call out of work the next day and lay down and hope I die.
Part 4: Her Problems
So, there is some additional context that I did not add in part 1 because a lot of it is red flags I ignored over the course of our relationship that, in the days following, started to become more and more obvious. There are many that I spent much effort playing off or covering her for, but I will try to briefly list much of what I see as glaring issues in the relationship that were never remedied.
This woman is 30 years old and cannot drive. She can drive and HAS driven my vehicle at the start of the relationship (albeit illegally), but after one tiny little accident where she hit a pole and knocked my side mirror off (which she paid for and fixed before telling me, it really wasn't a big deal. I was on deployment), she never drove again. Attempts to get her behind the wheel would end very quickly after they started, and the conditions to get her in the seat were often extremely time limited, scheduled, or something would come up, and every time I told her "okay, this month we're getting your license for sure" it just wouldn't happen and I'd end up feeling like the one who was at fault.
She does not have her Bachelor's degree because she did not turn in her final project for one single class. Not only that, but she has never truly pursued a career with the things she learned from the coursework, or even used her AA.
For half of the relationship, she did not work at all. When she did, it was often part time work, and if she was saddled with full time hours or, god forbid, overtime, it was a world-ending affair. She would come home and constantly be tired from her few hours at work and would do little more than sit around and crochet.
Our agreement when we bought our house was that she was going to work full time and we were going to split household duties, but I would definitely scoop the cat box because she was allergic (but she wanted cats) and wash dishes (because she hated them), and she would do laundry (because I hated it). In practice, all her version of laundry turned out to be was to throw loads in when one of us was out of clothes and just hit wash and then rotate, and then leave all the clothes in a pile on the bed. EVERYONE KNOWS folding the laundry is the worst part! Come on! Men's clothes are easy! I don't wear that much! (When we would fold, I often finished in a third of her time and would just hang out and chat until she was done)
Ultimately, this meant that for many years now, she was working barely more than part time if she was working at all, and would sort-of do laundry. Meanwhile, I am scooping litter, folding laundry, doing dishes, doing all related yard work, doing all the household cleaning, handling all the finances, I did MOST of the cooking, and all of the grocery shopping (often going alone), driving her from work if I could (she'd uber it if not) and picking her up and driving her home, as well as just generally being a chauffeur for her for 10 years, while working a full time job and a side gig online. Many nights I'd have to stop what I was doing to pick her up at closing hours, and then would sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes while she did tasks like vacuum her little crystal shop that she definitely could have done before close so I didn't end up waiting so damn long. Then we'd come home hang out and eat while we watched TV, and then if I wanted to try and go upstairs to do another hobby, I'd be silently guilted about it because she wanted to sit on the couch and crochet.
Part 5: My Problems
I am not perfect, and admit I have flaws. One of her favorite things to claim to our friends now is that I was "emotionally neglectful", and if there is truth to it, I think I can pin down the day. Before I started working full time again, I was going to school on the 9/11 GI bill. I was not a good student in my younger years, but in time, I have become rather good at school. My first two semesters back I easily maintained a 4.0 GPA. Over the summer in 2022, I, woefully, decided to take a Calc 2 class online because I could not find one in person and wanted to be ready for Calc 3 in the Fall to fill a prereq for my bachelor's, and I really liked the instructor for that Calc 3 class. This calc 2 class was painful. The instructor had clearly recorded all his lectures during Covid and we were simply given the full course of videos and given work assignments and said "Email me if you have questions." This is not how I learn, but I figured, hey, it's one class. I'm working again, but one class isn't a huge deal. I can knock this out.
I was wrong.
After the second exam, I had a low C in the class and I knew I couldn't keep up. I withdrew from the class feeling no other option. I tend to be pretty good at math, and ultimately my dream was to work with 3d printing on an industrial scale with a Mechanical Engineering degree- and if that failed I had my military history (which is engineering relevant) and a degree to fall back on and work should come easily. After clicking that withdraw button, I saw those dreams vaporize. After that, I threw myself into my government civilian job full time and slowly fell into depression. By the end of our relationship, with the toll of doing 99% of the work around the house and for her and with my dreams dead and buried, at age 33, I would wake up and pray I died. I would never kill myself, but I wanted to just die. I felt backed into a corner. I still did everything I could to support her and hoped that one day, she would pick up some of the load and maybe, just maybe, I could go back, but that day did not come (At least not in the way I expected).
Part 6: The Aftermath
This post is already too long, and if I include every single detail that has come to light since, I might actually hit the post cap, but I will go over at least some of it here.
I have had my friends come out in droves. Both of them have been effectively exiled, at least from what I can see, from every friend circle we have. After a couple of days, they flew back to live with, I guess, his parents in Vegas while they sorted shit out, because after I spoke with Z's previous roommate, he adamantly explained he was tired of all the "fucking drama" that Z had been bringing into the house and was just done with it.
I have spoken with many, many people and gotten even more context and even receipts of some of each of their conversations to our mutual friends, and some of the shit I read is just hilarious. He is "not ashamed of pursuing happiness, he is just sad that people got hurt". She is "coming to terms with emotional neglect and felt trapped, but now, yes now, she is free."
I got my neighbors to watch the cats, and took my dog up to visit my closest friend of 20 years and spent about a week and a half drinking, smoking, and talking about all this while surrounded by some of the most beautiful nature the US has to offer. Truly, without this man, I don't think I'd have gotten this far as quickly as I have. He really has been a lifesaver and I truly, to my dying day, will always appreciate him.
Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her, but she is woefully immature and incapable of adequately performing in an adult society. I have quit my job and am returning to school with a much lighter budget and will be getting that degree I desperately need.
It's been hard, real hard. I have put every ounce of my being into this relationship, and I truly felt like she was part of me, and nothing like this could ever happen. But it's that trust that allowed this to happen. I do not hate her, I'm just disappointed. I will pick up my pieces and, hopefully, find myself whole again soon.
Part 7: Rambling anecdotes
These are some stories I wanted to include in the previous body of text but didn't feel like it kept the same flow (if there even is any at all, I'm not proofreading this). If I remember any others after I post, Ill just toss them in the comments.
Early after Z came to live with us, my mother came to the house to drop off a package. I am pretty sure I was at work, but when my mother came to the door, both of them answered the door and the way my mom describes it "First of all, do you answer the door at your friends house? Also, the way he hovered over her made me uncomfortable. They were in the doorway and he was right up behind her poking his head out." She said my wife had told her that I was feeling unwell and was upstairs sleeping. I can't even be sure at this point.
Shortly before all the things happened, my parents were going out of town to celebrate their own anniversary, and I had agreed to dog-sit their 5 month old puppy (who, while cute, has WAY too much energy and was EXTREMELY difficult to handle, and I have raised several dogs at this point). We met up and took the dog, and then ALL of us (including Z) went to dinner. At dinner, my mother looked at my wife and asked, directly "And so how long have you been married? 6, almost 7 years? Well at least you missed that 7 year itch, huh" and my wife shortly followed with a comment about how she was not hungry and did not eat dinner that night.
All of this happened WHILE THIS CRAZY PUPPY was running around the house, and part of me thinks he pushed this to happen when it did because he could not stand having to help take care of this dog any longer (2 days).
About a week after all this happened, my wife did not text or call me, or respond to any messages or emails I sent her (I didn't send many, but they exist). Frustrated, I text her and tell her I need to talk to her about logistics moving forward, specifically about her belongings. She told me "I will talk to you when I am ready." We did not talk for another week. Also, she told me to stop talking to her mom. (I have a good relationship with both of my in-laws and while her step-father tried to remain impartial to the best of his abilities, he gave me some of the best advice I could possibly have gotten at that time, mostly about how to move forward and cope, as he has personally dealt with this with smaller relationships 3 separate times in his life which he gave me details on, and we are still on good terms.)
Their favorite TV show to watch together was Outlander, which, if you aren't aware, is basically a story about a woman who time travels and has two men in her life.
One of our biggest constant points of contention was my friendship with an old high school buddy (who I spent much of the time in the aftermath hanging out with while healing). We believe, with good reason, that she hated this man because after I had almost been hospitalized for psych reasons due to stress, he had told me I needed to talk to her about working again and doing more to help around the house. She figured out, obviously, who was telling me to say these things, and sent a very, very angry text to his wife. They all apparently made up, but I know she never let that grudge go.
One of the fairly recent hobbies I got into was D&D. It seemed like a good fit for all of us. She loved fantasy and gaming, I enjoyed 3d printing and story telling. She needed friends, and a party of people hangin out would give her at least a few connections to start. Every night she "participated" in D&D, she mostly sat quiet and did not do anything. Hell, I tried to get her to participate in 2 different games, and after she left the first one, she asked to just sit quietly in the discord call (This first one was online only, second was in person) and listen, which was super awkward. In the in person game, after 3 months of playing, she did not know how to play her character at all, and mostly spent her time at the table crocheting. (My buddy even made a comment about how at one point, he was proud of how good I was getting at DMing and I was giving particularly good exposition, and she interrupted me to hand another player at the table a dice bag she made. I don't remember it, but I absolutely believe this happened.)
The day of "the incident", she had a meltdown about how a friend of hers had ghosted her. I told her it was okay, she was much younger anyway and people grow apart. She's probably going through stuff and we should respect that path she's on. She cried about how she has no friends.
Also the day of "the incident", we were in the shower together and she told me she had met her sister's new BF on facetime. I asked "why did she break up with her old one?" "Well... she cheated on him." "Oh, that's a shame. Cheating is probably the most cowardly act a person can do to another. If you're going to start a new relationship, you need to grow a pair and end it before starting a new one." She clearly took my words to heart.
One of my biggest pet peeves about cleaning the house is our dog sheds, a lot. If I see a hairball roll through the house it immediately drains me a bit. We had a roomba. She would send that thing home when it started and never start it again. It barely ran. She would not vacuum.
One of the most common descriptors of her I've heard used by many people now that they're "allowed to" is "She was there, doing the thing with us, but it was like she wasn't there."
Something she thought that I apparently hadn't figured out by the time we talked after everything happened was that they had been talking since February. I told her I wasn't stupid and had figured it out already that this wasn't out of the blue.
Z's wife is currently pregnant with the baby of the man she cheated on him with. (And he is also married)
Anything else I remember Ill leave for comments, I know there is much, much more.
TL;DR
A friend of mine of 4 years drank himself into liver failure and his wife cheated on him, so I offered him a free room to try and put his life back together, and I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own, but honestly, it's probably not that bad.

I am back with another review for my holy grail - the AB lip balm-again, it’s gonna be a long post.
As I have mentioned again and again, the AB balm is the one to rule them all. It moisturizes, it removes my lip peeling, and prevents future peeling. It has a heavenly texture, and no matter how much you apply it to your lips, there is no pilling or white cast even after rubbing your lips together. Don’t get me started with how it feels on your lips, my lips feel sooooo pillowy (not sure if that’s a word). This has also been the first winter that my lips have not cracked or been painful dry…and it is this beautiful texture that is its downfall.
I was very excited when I found out that Augustinus Bader was coming with a color version of this lip balm with a collaboration with Sofia Coppola . It’s no exaggeration that I’ve been through at least 15 tubes of this lip balm. I keep one accesible at all time (purse, desk, by my bed, etc) … that’s how much I like it.
The version comes with a very cute colored strip at the base of the tube and colored logo at the top. On the inside of the tube, the letters are also highlighted with color. The change is minimal, but meshes well. Whoever was in charge, did a good job.
The AB balm texture continues to be its original buttery, and light formula. For reference, I chose the shade #1. Now, if you’ve ever used watery lip tints, you’ll know that they will settle into dry spots. For me it makes those dry spots a shade darker and make my lips overall, blotchy. Some also settle into your lip lines if you don’t blot them with your finger. This is exactly what the AB tinted balm does, it’s just that in this instance, it is its amazing formula that works against it. The color settles immediately on my lip lines, it is not a smooth even application of color that a lip stain like a Rare Beauty Lip Oil would give you . It also leave (hopefully this makes sense) an outline of color where the rounded edge of the lip balm touches my lip. Meaning that it leaves patches of colored lines on the outline of my lips. I’m disappointed, so disappointed. I REALLY REALLY wanted to love it, but I can’t…the only way to salvage it is to even it out with my fingers, but that defeats the purpose of an easy, no mirror application. If you are not careful with its application, you’ll look like a baby that’s learning how to eat and has food all around their lips after slurping spaghetti!!!
Now, this tinted balm did give me an idea. I felt that its texture would mesh well with a tint or stain. I have a lot of leftover AB tubes. I save them, scrape the leftovers at the bottom of the tube, melt and fill a little pot with it.
This time around, I dug through my lippies and chose my Cha Cha Benefit tint in “mango”. I melted all my lip balm leftover on a wax burner. I (generously, but did not measure it) poured the lip tint in the melted lip balm. This made the AB melted lip balm solidify a bit, but as soon as it warmed again, it melted and after stirring it, it combined beautifully. I did noticed that it solidified easily as soon as I pulled it away from the wax burner and so I had to work fast…and Voila!!! It turned soooooo goood! My hunch was right and my little experiment worked!
As soon as the leftovers from the pot I melted the lip balm on solidified, I tried it on. Guys, the melting process did not destroy its original texture (although I have yet to see how this mixture will work in a lip tube form). The color spreads smooth on my lips, no blotching or settling on my imperfections or dry lips, and with the cute color payoff!
So, with little extra work, I came with the best of both worlds! My favorite of all time lip balm, but with a “personal improvement”.
I do hope that in the future, Augustinus Bader will come with a similar product… and as soon as that happens, I will be getting my hand on them too!

I am a 22 year-old American male wondering why I have this pressure typically in the front of my head about five months ago I was laying in bed and noticed that I had this pressure building up in the front of my head slowly like I was having a panic attack or something by the way, I have anxiety L O L but since Then it has been constant almost every day and more frequent at night and had a CAT scan ran on my frontal lobe or whatever is in the forehead area and thought it was just swelling of my sinuses or nasal's now mind you I just got done being sick when I had the CAT scan ran so I'm not sure How accurate that was but been having a lot of tiny flashes of light in my vision objects tend to look weirder went to my high doctor yesterday and they told me my eyes are fine and it sounds like I have migraines. Yes, it does get worse the more stressed out I am or if I have an adrenaline rush but at night time laying down or even putting any sort of pressure on my head whether it's the back or the side or the front the pressure increases and it's not pain it's just pressure so I'm here to ask if anyone has any assumptions on what it could be.

My husband [31M] and I [26F] met online ten years ago and did long-distance between visits until I was able to move in with him when I was 21. Looking back though, I'm pretty sure he may have groomed me (I was 16 and he was 21 when we started talking) but I'm not sure, I'm still working through alot of stuff tbh.
The months leading up to our wedding was when he became emotionally and psychologically abusive, he'd always had a bit of a short temper but now he was quick to deliberately say hurtful things when he got mad. He would throw and break things in front of me when his temper flared, and make threats to hurt me if I didn't stop pissing him off. Sometimes he'd scream insults at me so loudly my ears would ring and I could feel the bass of his voice in my chest from across the room.
He wouldn't give me space during arguments when I asked for it either, he'd follow me from room to room insisting we had to settle things right away; he'd claim I never cared about him if I didn't respond to him, and he'd swear to lock me outside overnight if I tried to go for a walk. He'd push me until I exploded and then scream at me for being such an abusive bitch. At least twice our neighbours called for wellness checks on me, he would apologise to the officers and we'd pretend that we had no idea our little argument had gotten so out of hand, but as soon as the door closed again it was always my fault; he wouldn't have behaved that way if I had just used my brain and not made him so angry. Its so twisted, the way I provoke him and then play the victim.
Three years of this and too many breakdowns later, I told my family everything I had been hiding from them out of shame and they got me out of there. I'm back home now, preparing to file for divorce but I can't stop feeling so dumb for how much time I wasted on him- and ohmygod, the moneeyy 😩 so much money on visas, travelling, care packages, post cards, letting him spend entire paychecks of mine on weed & video games to make him happy!! All for what?
I know I'm only 26 and I thankfully got out while still very young, but I'm so angry I wasted a decade of my time being a bangmaid to someones crusty, deadbeat son! All the life opportunities I turned down to sit on skype with him so he wouldn't feel rejected and get depressed; I didn't go to college after graduation, rarely saw my friends and never stayed out late to hang out with them, I haven't even learned to drive!! Talk about setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm 🤦‍♀️
It also haunts me how many red flags I brushed off before we were married that are perfectly neon now! 🤦‍♀️ The way he treats his mom on a bad day, how "all" of his exes were "crazy", the way he fiended over weed like a junkie, how he treated his cats when he was angry, the fact that his 'friends' never reached out despite living in the same area... it goes on. I can't believe the things I used to make excuses for just because I was infatuated with him, I'm so embarassed.
Short or long distance, man or woman, it doesn't matter; always be suspicious of older people trying to persue you- ask yourself whats 'wrong' with them that makes no one their own age interested, and why would they want someone with less life experience and maturity.
And always have a way to get yourself out of there if things ever go badly; be it a rainy day fund, a go bag in the trunk of your car, or having an emergency contact you can rely on to get to you in a pinch. Anyone who gets upset over you trying to protect yourself has something to gain from you being unprotected. A safe person who loves you would feel confident you'd never need to use your escape plan, but be glad that you had it anyway.
Thanks if you read this far 🌷

CW: blood, OS
It’s been a hell of a few days. This is not my first time EPing, and at 8 weeks pp I was feeling confident about dropping one of my nighttime pumps. I have a significant oversupply, so I wasn’t worried about a dip.
Well, I didn’t go slowly enough on the drop, and I woke up the first day after dropping the session with a hard, painful breast. Pumping relieved the engorgement, but I still was left with tender aching clogs all around the right side of my boob. I’ve only ever had one very minor clog before this. My output quickly dropped to less than half on that side. Cue trying all the tricks over the span of two days to relieve the clogs. Now on day three the pain is pretty much gone, but I can’t get these mother loving hard spots to break up! And the output has still not bounced back.
This morning I noticed a cluster of small clear blisters on my nipple. I thought maybe they were blebs. I know you’re really not supposed to, but I thought hey if it will let this milk flow, I’m gonna try to pop them. Unfortunately it did nothing to help the flow over the course of my next two sessions, but it didn’t cause any pain or anything. But THEN…
I sit down and start my afternoon session, glance down at the collection bottle, and much to my horror see bright red blood dripping into it. Not rusty brown streaks, not a pink tint, BRIGHT RED. I had to stop both because the amount of blood from my nipple was alarming, and because I have vasovagal syncope with blood and immediately felt lightheaded. I called the LC from my OB/delivery hospital network and while I appreciate her attempt to help, it was just that. An attempt. So few hospital LCs fully understand EPing, let alone a controlled oversupply.
I don’t know what I’m going to do if the bleeding continues. I don’t know how to cope with going from 85+ oz a day to being a just enougher in the span of a few days. And if it continues to drop because I can’t clear this clog up? My mind is going to the worst case of this reckless pump drop ending my journey altogether. Even my hero side is lacking, likely due to the stress.
I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading 😢

Hello. 28m, currently 300lbs. Medical history of hypertension although I am sometimes hypotensive, hyperlipidemia, 8-year heavy dose benzodiazepine addiction (very severe, went through a very harsh taper withdrawal and extended elevated BP that may be related), type 2 diabetes, obesity (intentionally recently lost approximately 70lbs in an 8-month time frame), elevated CPK anywhere from 300-3,000, high aldosterone, hyperdynamic LV function (EF 81%), and whether or not I have mild LVH depends on the echo. My older ones say that I do, my newer ones said yes a month ago and the two newer ones (one being during a hospitalization) say that I do not. LV mass has gone down from 212g to 175g in the last year, though. My LV mass index is currently 67.03 g/m2, normal. No hypertrophy to explain the hyper dynamic state.
Medications include propranolol 60mg ER, valsartan, 160mg, topiramate 200mg, ajovy monthly injection, buspirone 60mg, gabapenrin 1,200mg, ubrelvy as needed, omeprazole 40mg, famotidine just started ozempic .25 last week, and I was just started on isosorbide mononitrate and sublimgual nitroglycerin 0.4mg for reasons you will see below.
I just got home from a 6-day hospitalization due to chest pain, arm pain and parasthesia as well as jaw/face pain and parasthesia that the doctors did not find any major reason on PET stress, EKG or echocardiogram to believe was cardiac in nature. They think it could potentially be vasospasm, but they are also thinking nerve issues because they did a CT of my cervical and thoracic spine that showed very messed up vertebrae. Several spots of foramen stenosis, disc degeneration, and some type of calcification of something called hydroxyapatite on my spine. They prescribed me nitrates because of this because these symptoms alleviate immediately with nitroglycerin.
Now onto my question. I do not expect any of you to know why I am having chest pain. The cardiology team at Yale did not know why I am having chest pain. However, they also did not have time to answer the following question; why do I have such a side pulse pressure at 28? My blood pressure is often 120/45. Sometimes when it is elevated, it can be around 150/50-60. This is a very wide pulse pressure. I do not have any regurgitation or anything remarkable on the several echocardiograms that I have had in the last year. The only thing that showed on my PET stress test was “small sized, mild intensity, partially reversible perfusion defect in the mid to apical inferior wall consistent with artifact.”
My pulse pressure at any given general time is around 60-70 but was sometimes over 100 at the hospital. I exercise regularly for 45-60 minutes at a time and I consume less than 1,500mg of sodium daily.
I do actually experience symptoms because of this. My visions darkens in sync with my heartbeat. I have ringing tinnitus that spikes in a pulsatile nature with my heartbeat. I can feel my pulse very strongly in my neck arteries.
Please help me. I can upload any of my test results if needed. Thanks.

TL;DR: One of my newer friends is constantly overstepping boundaries (sometimes to a painful, physical point), and none of my friends care. She makes me really uncomfortable though, and I don't know what to do.
This new girl came to my school a few months ago, and at first we clicked instantly. We matched each other's energy perfectly. However, after a few minor disagreements I started to feel differently about her. She was starting to piss me off a lot because she has this smartass attitude that shouts I'm always right and your stupid for thinking you could be. Idk. Anyways, once we were playing UNO together with a few not as close friends and she playfully hit my thigh a lot harder than I expected. As I nervously laughed, she continued. Over and over again she painfully slapped my thighs. I told her repeatedly to stop and that I wasn't joking but because of my panic awkward laughter I think she thought I was still joking. I even tried to pull her hands away but she broke free and then said she wanted to leave a handprint. She did, and then she gleamed down proudly at the mark on my body she left. The bell ringed shortly after that and I kind of just stormed out. She called me a pussy when I said I didn't like what she did. She's just the type of person who doesn't think about boundaries and I hate it. It makes me so uncomfortable and none of my other friends really seem to notice or care if they do. She's tried opening or taking my stuff since then. She hit my friend A's thigh really hard this morning and they both laughed about it, but it was bruising and I know that A definitely felt a lot more uncomfortable than he let on. She's even tried pulling up A's shorts a little to show his fresh cuts. This girl makes me feel so uncomfortable and stupid anytime we talk. This has been causing me to feel really alone and numb throughout the day recently. I'm scared I'll SH again despite being clean for months. The problem is that my friends will probably hate me for hating her. Idk what to do. Any advice? Thank you sm in advance.

My primary hobbies throughout the year are downhill skiing and rock climbing, mostly bouldering. And I have recently started running aswell. As of right now my goals with training are to prevent injury and strengthen my muscles. I would eventually like to shift towards hypertrophy training for a while, but for now injury prevention is my main focus.
After long days of skiing and in my recent running sessions my knees are the first thing to get sore/fatigued. During running my calves also tend to get sore quite quickly.
As far as climbing goes, I occasionally get some elbow pain when I have an intense day or week or climbing, but nothing to extreme.
Months ago I suffered a hamstring injury pulling a heel hook bouldering, and saw a PT a few weeks later. I also spoke to him about my elbows. He recommended me RDLs, single leg RDLs, and good mornings. For my elbows he recommended me reverse grip curls and hammer curls.
I have done the knees over toes program on and off in the past, and I have recently started it up again.
Right now my routine look like this:
MWF: (no extra lifting on Friday just zero)
Lower body zero, 3x6-10 deep back squat (added in because I enjoy them and would like to get stronger here), 3x10 RDL, 3x10 single leg hamstring curl or RDL, 3x10 body weight reverse hyperextension,
TT:
Upper body zero, 3x10 reverse grip curl, 3x10 hammer curl,
And I run/climb/ski when I have the energy too, before my workouts. I run and climb about 3-4 times a week right now, and the ski season is ending here soon so I’m skiing 1-2 times a week as opposed to 4-6 times peak season.
As I said previously my main focus right now is to prevent injuries and make my sports for enjoyable. I really enjoy my leg day and feel it meets my needs well, though I feel my core and upper body isn’t really getting enough attention, and or my routine could be more refined here. Curious as to what you all might recommend for me to try.
Should I back down to just KOT? Should continue what I’m doing or add/change some movements?
Thanks!

My grandmother died in February. I hadn't seen her - or many members of that side of the family - since 2018, the year I got married. After my divorce in 2020, I moved to NYC. I've had a rough past few years, emotionally and financially. My Nana and those relatives spent their time in Florida, Texas, and Alabama (where I am from originally). Whenever I visited my immediate family, the extended family wouldn't be there.
I deeply regret not making the time to see my grandmother before she passed. I grieved her immediately, breaking into tears and weeping for weeks. I contemplated and researched the afterlife. When I texted my dad to ask, "When will the funeral be? Nothing could keep me away", he replied, "5.18.2024."
May 18 is my birthday.
I typed a message asking why my birthday was chosen, but quickly deleted it. I tried to calmly ask my mother privately and she became irritable, yelling at me, "Do not bring this up to your father. He's going through a lot."
I found out over time that because the ground was frozen in Vermont (where my grandmother raised her family before retiring in Florida), and Vermont is where she wanted her ashes to be buried, they had to postpone the funeral. She had seven children who had to pick a date that worked for all of them. But still...my birthday? My dad didn't care to speak up about it being his only daughter's birthday?
Here's the thing: my whole life, I have felt like the least favorite grandchild, niece, cousin, etc. I knew deep down that my grandmother loved me, but it was clear she loved others more. One time she chose to take my cousin to Disney World the same day my family had driven in to visit her. She told my father to come the next day, but he didn't listen, and decided to surprise her instead. She grew irate and rushed to beat us home so we wouldn't find out, but my Grandpa spilled the beans. She could have waited a day to take me and my brother, but didn't. We never went to Disney World with her.
She was a devout Catholic her entire life, but rolled her eyes when my eleven-year-old-self - a Southern Baptist at the time - suggested we all pray before we eat dinner. When she and my mother found me sitting alone one day (as a thirteen-year-old), I told them I was contemplating my future, and whether I could get into Harvard or travel to Europe. She burst out laughing as if that was the most hilarious joke ever told. (She never got a degree or worked.)
I've been writing creatively since childhood, but she always told me I needed a "real career" and I couldn't dream about becoming a writer. I have been tall and thin my whole life. When I began modeling, she said, "Modeling is not for you." She showered my cousins in praise and validation and gifts. She sent me gifts and cards, don't get me wrong, but the difference in quality was obvious. She scolded me over things my cousins got away with easily.
I loved my grandmother. I love my parents. I didn't want to hurt my dad so I kept my feelings inside and told myself my birthday was not important. But then my fiance and I went to dinner a week early to celebrate, and my parents didn't even wish me a happy birthday. They didn't send a card. I asked why. My mother replied, "Isn't your birthday next Saturday? We'll celebrate you on May 20 when we are all together in your city."
After she said this, it sunk in for me that they never intended to even acknowledge me at all on my birthday. So I changed my return flight from the 19th to the 18th. I asked my dad if he could drive me to the airport on my birthday after the funeral, and he said no because he had to "spend time with family." So I secured a rental car. I would now fly from Vermont to Detroit and finally return home to NYC at midnight on my birthday.
I have lived in NYC for four years, and for four years, my parents have made excuse after excuse not to visit me. I had to beg my dad to agree to visit me in NYC on their drive back from Vermont to Alabama, which he didn't want to do. He didn't want to drive into NYC to pick me up either. Originally my parents were supposed to pick me up from the train station in New Jersey this Thursday, and I would fly back home on the 19th, and they would FINALLY visit me in Manhattan on the 20th. It was all set. I was looking forward to exploring my dad's home town with him and spending some quality time together a few days before the funeral. Then out of the blue, my mom insisted I fly in on Friday instead, under the guise of saving my PTO. But really they just wanted to get to Vermont sooner. I told my dad this hurt my feelings, that I had been looking forward to spending private time with my parents in his hometown.
Today I called them and asked for help covering my Ubers to and from the airports. I'm living paycheck to paycheck, and they know this. Nana's will insisted that her estate would cover everyone's accommodations at her funeral, and I was originally told that I would get my own hotel room. Then I found out that I would be sharing a house with my parents and multiple relatives who were part of the original discussion to plan the funeral on my birthday. That didn't sit right with me. I wanted to go for my Nana and my dad. I didn't want to have to stay in the same house as people who don't care about me.
I finally told my dad today how I feel, on speaker phone while he and my mom were driving across the country towards Vermont. I said I couldn't believe they planned Nana's funeral on my birthday, when they had months to plan for any other date. I told him how my mother wouldn't let me express my feelings to him everytime I tried to calmly ask why, why MY birthday, of all the birthdays in the family? Why did it have to be on anyone's birthday? I said this has been a recurring theme all my life, that nobody in this family cares about me. He replied, "Don't come. If that's how you feel, don't come."
So now I am crying and wondering if I should cancel my flights and rental car, and miss out on my Nana's funeral, or just go, despite the fact that nobody wants me there...and based on their choice of date, maybe they never did.
TL;DR: My relatives planned my grandmother's funeral months in advance on my birthday. I told my parents this made me feel unloved and my dad told me to not come to the funeral if that's how I feel.

So in October, i experimented with the idea of being trans, after years of denying that it’s possible .I felt like i was, but it got to a point where all of my inner thoughts made me give up on experimenting more. Thoughts like how people would react if i came out, or if it was a hyper-focus. If there’s even a point, like if i ever truly would feel comfortable in my own body even with every surgery and hormone replacement. It’s almost like all of my gender dysphoria left, i mean i was depressed as fuck but i felt okay in my body since last October. Now, in may I’m thinking about it again and this feeling is just fucking agonizing. My brain feels like it’s scratching itself apart.
I can’t look in a mirror without hating the person staring back, and i don’t know why. My upper half is a skinny, ugly, broad shouldered mess while my lower half is a hairy, ugly, and has a piece of fat hanging off. I hate the person i have to be to act like a man. I hate having to act like i’m masculine.
Even when i dress up as a women it doesn’t change a single thing, like i see myself in different clothes, makeup, longer hair but i can’t help but feel that I’m just playing dress up? Like I’m just some fraud. I desperately want to look in the mirror and see the person i feel i am, but literally nothing i do is fixing the dysphoria at all.
I’m in bed today, i can’t get the motivation to clean myself, look nice because i lost any reasoning to other than to appeal other people. I can’t do anything, i haven’t eaten a single thing for a few days. And even when i try to, i either gag, or i just throw it right back up.
My girlfriend is very supportive and is helping me, but when she calls me by she/her or uses a different name it makes me feel so uncomfortable, despite me desperately wanting to be called she/her and go by a different name. I don’t even understand why and it’s so frustrating. When she compliments me, calling me pretty, i feel like i want to break down and cry because i know that im not the pretty i want to be. Knowing that i can never be a cis girl.
I want nothing but to come out, but as a minor it makes things so much more difficult. My relationship with almost all of my family members except a minor few would just be ruined. I know the exact way they would look at me, almost in disgust, as if I am a pervert for being trans.
And forget school. My social anxiety is already bad enough, that if i came out i would essentially fuck my self over even more.
I’m just stuck, i can’t bear this feeling of pain by being a man, but even when i change my clothes, my hair, use makeup, all of these feminine items i feel no different, and i almost feel as if my depression gets worse when i do appear as a female. What do i do now?

Not seeking medical advice
Hello! I was assessed at two separate shoe stores to have pronated ankles. This explained the outside calf pain I’d often get from walking very slowly, even on my walking pad, and the pain would last for a few days.
Switched to a brand new (key words?) pair of Brooks Glycerins which are ultra cushy, with arch support, designed to be pretty supportive. I did my first run today and felt a few things: my left foot felt very strained; the muscle fatigue seemed to travel up my legs and into my hip area on the left side. Right side was mostly normal in comparison—a little off but not as bad.
Is this common with new shoes? Is it the shoes or is it because I’m a newbie overall? Do I just need to stretch more before a run or is this a sign of ill-fitting shoes? Again, they’re very squishy and seem to have very solid arch support but I do have flat feet…
Just wondering if I should change shoes or if there are tips to minimize this discomfort. TYIA!

I just want to get this out.
I'm going on my third year at this job. This girl joined about 1,5 years ago, she has 3 kids with a guy there who's been working there for 13 years. One of the people who has been working there the longest. Bosses respect him. And to be quite frank, even though I rarely see him, I always had a good relationship with him. Shake hands. I find him to be alright. But I don't know much..
From what I gathered, she's only with him because they have 3 kids. I don't see any sort of love between them. From what I have gathered he has cheated on her, or at the very least, has tried to see other girls, which teared her self esteem up and became a very frustrated person.
When I first started talking to her I would tell her that her boyfriend's the guy who should be promoted because he would do a greater job than most. Always complimented him. She'd agree. Until, fast forward, she wasn't so nice about him anymore.
Me and the girl started talking too much. I guess I became her go to, and made her feel very good. I always kept distance when it came to showing love interest, I always kept a step back. But my toxic, idiot side kinda wanted her to like me like that. Why? Idk. Self esteem. I actually had fun talking to her tbh. We had an actual lot in common. We hung out somewhere special once and it was a dinner with other friends. I saw it as just fun.
She lived near me and we started going home from work in the same car. Fast forward, maybe a month later, she decided she wanted to talk to me privately, and as I guessed, she went ahead and kissed me. After that, It became more sexual and she started going down on me. My behavior is so immature, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't have kept that up.
We kept talking and talking, but the reality is i couldn't find myself to have genuine love for her. I don't like her like that. Although I do care for her. Feel good when she's around, but it's the same feelings you have when you care for a real friend.
She would do everything for me. Gave me expensive shoes (110€) because she heard me speak about adidas shoes at that same dinner. She brought me other sht. Bruh she brought a rabbit and named it after a nickname she gave me.
I don't love her. I accepted that this was enough, so I decided to tell her straight. She didn't believe me. So she kept finding ways to get back to me. Like skipping work, or work in a different position or schedule so I wouldn't see her, just different ways to get my attention. I would fall for that everytime. Because the sobbing and tears didn't help. She even came to my house unannounced and wouldn't leave until I came out and talked to her. She said something about not feeling good. I felt afraid she'd do something stupid to herself or pass out from some illness she has. So I came out. Spoke to her, and gave out, we became good again, telling her I only saw her as a friend, but if she wants benefits too, sure. Again, me messing it up with selfishness again because I always knew she was hopeful for more.
Recently, i decided to once again see if I can separate myself from her. I told her I wanted distance and I got that. She gave me that, while always hoping I'd track back. When she's around bruh just knowing she's looking at me it makes me laugh. And she takes it as "he's playing hard to get but he's nervous and wants me", lol, no i just can't contain myself.
But I've managed to be avoiding that.
She wants my attention back everytime she sees me, but I haven't aknowledged.
Before the very last time I spoke to her, she told my friend that she was taking meds and hasn't slept because of me. After that, that same day while going home, she drove by me and got out, i told her to her face that I only saw her as a coworker and to keep distance.
In response, she stepped away from me at work. Unfollowed me on all social medias. And hopefully it stays this way.
After some time she told my friend that she was going to leave work. He told me this and the first thing I said was: "nah bro. She said this because she knows you'd tell me, and so I would reach out to her". And guess what, I was right. She went on her work vacation without telling anyone, and was furious I didn't reach out to her. I haven't fell for these sort of manipulations anymore. I have not texted. To this day, after a couple months, we haven't spoken.
Her boyfriend knew about all this I'm sure, but let it go. And is cool to me still. I'm not sure how love works in their house, but if there was no relationship, she wouldn't hide. So, she cheated with me, clearly.
My friend said that in every break up, one person always gets seriously more hurt. And I should accept this. And move forward. He also knows that she's very problematic and has been in situations where she's wrong but makes a scene to her bosses to make it seem she's in the right. Therefore that I need to be careful she doesn't start drama with me as revenge.
It is crazy that I have put myself in this situation. But my only solution is to keep this up, right? Simply not aknowledge her existence. I don't see any other way.
Tl:dr - Met this girl at work who is in a long relationship. She fell and obsessed over me. Now I can't get rid of her.