How to make neat facebook birthday wishes

Hey; I'm currently a junior finishing up the year. I quit American football due to anxiety and I dreaded practice everyday and hated it/used to have panic attacks before it. I used to wake up and have my day instantly (3 seconds into waking up) ruined by the fact I had practice (I have a social battery so I need time alone a lot, having 3 hours a day after practice isnt enough) and my anxiety kicks in and as the day goes on, the closer I get to practice, the more my stomach begins to pain and I start trembling, and then sometimes I would just debate on not even going because I was afraid I'd sh** myself or something due to anxiety stomach aches. Its not even because of something like me not being good at football, its just so terrifying for some reason; maybe because I am a naturally slow-paced person that this rush of putting pads on and getting to practice quick frightens me? I also used to dread summer workouts; I really need summer to recharge since I'm an introvert, and waking up at 5:30 everyday isn't good for my mental, even though physically I'm perfectly fine. I love the weightlifting though, its one of my passions as of recent. Sometimes, I would constantly check my emails, wondering if there was something new from my coaches. I not only have anxiety, but also ADHD, OCD, loads of other BS that make it nerve wrecking (depressing too) for me when a coach is screaming in my face all day, I sometimes get so nervous I don't even hear what they say and I look stupid by messing up the drill. It also didn't help that I was a EXTREMELY underweight defensive tackle in such a tough football environment/division (Florida football). I hate the 3 hour practices too. I've been on meds and they still don't help, trying supplements and I'll see what they do. Everyday I would lose my mind over practice, yet there was something weird. For the past 6 months or so, since I left football, I have been fantasizing every single day about playing it again. Imagining myself playing linebacker or running back, stiff arming people as I run into the endzone. I miss the practices where we would do such hard drills and laugh as we caught our breath by the water station, I miss how intense those fridays felt, where I strapped up my helmet and went to war against whatever powerhouse of a school it was that week (I don't miss morning workouts lmao). But why? I suffered so much in my life because of this game but I don't know what to do; I don't want to spend my entire senior year not playing a sport (i did sign up for school related things obviously) but still, all those other guys balling out while at 2:30pm I'm heading home, the idea is depressing for some reason. Maybe I should make more friends? Invest more into the weightlifting? I hated the game but I loved everything that came with it. Even when I hear some sh** like a Kid Ink song I think about Tavon Austin's highlights, and then I want to play again. I made up my mind a few months ago about not playing but just helping with photography, but the thoughts of me wanting to play again are lingering, but as I type this I can already feel my stomach aching as I think about summer practice if I do come back; do I play or do I not play? Will it be worth it, heading home on friday's as my brothers are getting ready to have the whole town watch them play while i'm at home, going to the football pep rallies as I stand in the bleachers as a now mere spectator, the homecoming court, the playoffs we usually make (won state recently), senior night, even the end of the season? I can't imagine myself not falling into a pit of depression as I think about witnessing these things. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to convince myself that these are lifelong memories and that I SHOULD play but I don't know if I can go another season of that, feels like I have grey hair already at 18. I sometimes wish I had another year of highschool, where I can just be fine and then the year after play football, but I only have a few days now to make my decision. I don't know why I think about this game all the time. Thanks to whoever read all of this, just needed someone to understand but situation.

Dear C,
I loved you. not in that wishy washy lifetime holiday movie kind of way either. I truly loved you. I knew when I met you I could possibly fall. I tried not to, stayed away. didn't want to rock any boats. I think it was that expression of what I believed to be a love of life. the smile and lighting up eyes. I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on. you just had that air about you.
Became friends. shared secrets. shared sorrows. I didn't expect to become what I thought was that area of close friendship. To then get feelings though we lived so far apart. it hurt when I realized it was more than feelings of friendship in my chest. trying so hard to shut if down. not let myself be swept up into something. Love is a lot like the ocean though. one cannot sway it's currents as one cannot halt the rotation of the Earth.
It was turmoil it couldn't be, though I wished for us to fall into each other, hold you tightly to me and feel ourselves melt into each other. You had inklings I know. never said anything, we never discussed it. you moved even further away. I thought perhaps I could move on. I didn't. perhaps that's when I should have noticed. not that you were with someone but that perhaps you were not really my friend.
permission to send flowers but sending them to your work. speaking on the whatsapp. instead of texting. letting me feel confused about your feelings with me yet no resolution. I didn't want to lose you so I said nothing. that was pathetic of me. I think just a way to let myself be taken advantage of again later.
losing touch, regaining communications. losing touch again. Honestly I should have realized sooner but one becomes blinded by their own feelings. It came to a head a year and a half ago. Nearing christmas I found myself this particular year in a deep depression. Even years after tragedy it still hurts. I saw through posts you recently had a family tragedy as well. I wanted to make sure you were ok.
We agreed to meet up for dinner at my place what was that? the 22nd? the 23rd perhaps. So glad to hear from a close friend, feeling a sense of happiness. looking forward to something. braving the grocery stores less than a week from Christmas. I got a bunch of ingredients settling on a fancy style pizza and poached pears. something fun, not romantic (I didnt want to give the wrong vibes) even got a new sauce pan just to make a great red wine reduction for the pears lol. It was all set. I had a bottle of moscato d asti too. just a dessert wine. I even handmade the damn dough. It did turn out pretty decent, the pizza cooked. pears soaking in sugar water. yet
Yet it was 4:00 and I hear nothing, I had that nagging feeling
no Surely she wouldn't.
5:30 I had no word. perhaps a little later dinner. afterall I did not set the specific time.
6:30 and I messaged you to get an apology. I'm so sorry.
She told me her grandmother's memorial was that day. they released a balloon even.
I was crushed. deflated much like that balloon after a week of floating I'm sure. It seemed like an airtight excuse. Or at least one if I questioned would make me an asshole. I may be an ass but C I'm no asshole. I told you I understood but it didn't end there.
for over six months, six months it went on like this. I sent flowers twice actually when I thought I overstepped, made you mad at me. I rememembe getting very sick in Februaury and aplogizing for looking you up to send the damn flowers, feeling guilty of being some type of creep. You didn't mind. Hell I forgot to mention I had a Christmas gift from the previous years I couldn't get to you due to covid.
I asked if you were busy, You asked my free days. if you had the same day off and we made plans, without fail you would cancel or just not show. you would not message me. I understood-still understand helping family when they are sick. yet why not call? text? If I questioned it I was the bad guy. I'd always be the bad guy for simply questioning. I asked you if you didn't wish to be friends. to just reject me if that were the case. I just wanted to spend time together yet... yet even getting you to answer a text was a chore. why? I didn't obsess, I didn't stalk. I just wanted to spend time with someone I cared for. to help in any way I could.
Looking back it was rather pathetic of me. you're still the only person to make me act in that manner. You never rejected me. why? I needed that finality, that goddamned nail in the coffin to know for sure. I guess I just wasn't paying attention. You seemed to get out any way from visiting. spending time together. at a trusted friend's suggestion I proposed time after time neutral territory. coffee shops, restaurants, the book store. any public place.
I didn't know if you had issue with me personally, meeting a guy in his home? you agreed so many times to meet up to only ghost me. You did ghost me. repeatedly. You then said you didn't ghost me that you were staying late to get in the good graces of a new boss, just not answering me letting me apologize later.
I'm sorry C but having well established plans then not letting the person know you weren't going until after the fact. or not letting them know at all IS GHOSTING. SAYING IT'S NOT GHOSTING IS GASLIGHTING.
you ghosted me constantly, you gaslighted me. it hurt. If I didn't have blinders, if I weren't so fucking depressed I would have wisened to it. Instead I hoped and thought perhaps this time. not unlike those scratcher addicts wasting money hoping for that big payout.
You ghosted and gaslighted me. it hurt my self worth. perhaps I wasn't worthy of love nor frienship. a lingering trauma from my childhood you only reinforced in me. I think looking back on it you gaslighted me the entirety of our relationship. when that hit me... I don't know. From the same friend, she thought it a good idea to ask what I was to you. What type of friend am I to you? that was the question. was I just an aquaintenance? was I a close friend? was I just some person?
"of course we're friends" was my response. That wasn't the question though. Crushed. Angry. depressed. I tried still. yet you didnt acknowledge me. I think I grew bitter.
You ghosted me, You gaslighted me. You wouldn't tell me you rejected me even when I asked you to. I felt as though I weren't being treated as a human being.
To me you seemed to be acting like a narcissist or perhaps afraid? You were giving excused the same way the people who raised me did. classic text book narcissists.
C , I hate that a part of me loves you. I hate that what seemed like a relationship that meant so much to me perhaps didn't mean anything to you. I hate that I fell for someone who lies, who ghosts, nor treats me with the slightest bit of respect. I loved you but you only hurt me. loving you made me not feel good about myself. I wish
I wish instead of this rant I could tell you in a nicer way how I feel. That I then wanted to know you because I think it was more the idea of you I fell in love with. just a phantom. That I wished to find the depths of conversation only those like us could know. to find the depths of that well. to truly know one another.
I realize you'll never give an honest answer. I'll never have that chance to cook for you. the closest we'll be emotionally is being an unanswered call, empty chair, dinner for no one. I'll never share true intimacy with you. I remember you placing your head on my shoulder during the movie at the art museum. I wante to put my arm around you so much that night. it seemed innapropriate. I had no idea if she were your friend or girlfriend. I could not intrude.
I realized there are othes who see my worth. I'm more than just a text. people who see me. Yet a part of me lingers wishing. it's only a whisper now, something that still aches. I wished for closure. I'll never get it. I try to accept it. I can only move on.

It’s crazy how brilliant this album is. It somehow still feels underrated and has an arguement for being possibly thee best album - not just in grunge but possibly in the history of rock, or honestly all of music in general! The fact that it’s a tribute to Mother Love Bone’s Andrew Wood (vocalist and amazing piano player) - with a few former members and all of future Pearl Jam since Matt Cameron eventually became the full-time drummer - just makes it an album formed completely from the heart and full of soul. This band was literally the polar opposite of a cash grab opportunist band. Apparently the band just wanted to make music in a stress free manner with little expectations, and boy did they surpass any that may have been placed upon them. Saying that even feels like a heavy understatement!
The fact that the project’s lead vocalist was a very close friend of Wood’s in Chris Cornell - who also died tragically - makes it even more touching. Side note, but Jerry Cantrell if AiC was supposedly very close to Wood and obviously Cornell as well. Wood permanently left his mark on the Seattle scene a year and a half before before it even became mainstream, and if you listen closely you can tell every bands’ sound - musically and lyrically - got quite darker following his untimely passing. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
When he heard the tragic news, Cornell initially wrote two songs in the heavenly (no pun intended) Say Hello 2 Heaven - cleverly released as a single - and the unbelievably EPIC Reach Down. The former is a beautiful, bluesy song which passionately shows Cornell’s full vocal range and beautiful lyricism. Reach Down is simply put, one of the greatest and most epic songs in existence. Eleven minutes long with a guitar riff that is bone-crushing and very likely the best solo I’ve ever heard, especially when you consider McCready’s headphones flew off about halfway through the recording it - forcing him to sort of “wing it” (lol) without having a backing track to hear. Not one second of the song fails to capture one’s attention - which is nothing less than astounding considering the length of it. Cornell could’ve stopped there and had an epic dual single or even an EP considering he already had be nearly 20 mins (17 minutes and 37 seconds to be exact) material! This easily could’ve been all that was written… but then fate intervened in the best way possible!
Former Mother Love Bone rhythm guitarist Stone Gossard and bassist Jeff Ament - primary songwriters for MLB and earlier in Green River (another legendary grunge band) - wanted to collaborate with Cornell to put themselves in position to write and play music before the time off caused them to get rusty with playing or songwriting. With this in mind, Cornell wisely enlisted the other soon-to-be Temple of the Dog musicians (Gossard, Ament, Mike McCready and Matt Cameron) and a masterpiece was about to be born!
The album’s lead single, Hunger Strike, is a brilliant piece that features a fresh and truly immaculate young voice from San Diego in the incredibly charismatic Eddie Vedder, who was actually auditioning for Gossard and Ament’s new band that you may have heard of (Pearl Jam). The story goes that Cornell - hard to believe - was having trouble hitting the lows as he wanted them to sound and Vedder simply took the mic and naturally delivered the vocals exactly as Cornell had wanted them to sound! I think it’s safe to say Vedder passed his audition with flying colors due to his incredible power, elegance and charisma (and quickly developing song-writing). The song’s drop D tuning and the darker sounding post-chorus riff give it a very proper grunge edge. Say Hello To Heaven and Hunger Strike quickly became staples of ‘90s radio stations worldwide.
Digging deeper, Pushin’ Forward Back (the third single) and Your Savior combines Mother Love Bone’s street rock approach with Pearl Jam’s more serious hard rock sound. The former features a powerful rhythm guitar riff, soaring lead riffs, Cornell’s finest vocals and the best backup vocals you could ask for from Vedder. Skipping ahead to track eight, Your Savior provides some extremely impressive (and aggressive) drumming, guitar tracks and again Vedder’s unmistakably brilliant sounding backup vocals that could not complement Cornell’s lead vocals any better! This is definitely a favorite among favorites for myself, and perfectly follows the track Wooden Jesus in my humble opinion.
Call Me a Dog and Times of Trouble are, without doubt, two of the most beautiful ballads I’ve ever heard. The former slowly builds up momentum with lovely piano playing and a quieter guitar that seemingly gets louder as the song goes on until it reaches a crescendo, as the bridge hears Cornell belting out some seriously high lead vocals and then McCready blazing through with another divine solo! Times of Trouble is a very interesting piece of music to say the least. It was actually also used for Vedder’s auditioning as well as this albums in the absolutely alluring Pearl Jam song Footsteps, which had a more stripped down approach. Times of Trouble on the other hand features the music’s absolute full potential being unlocked with a more solid production, a more eventful buildup that includes gorgeous sounding piano and even a harmonica solo for good measure. This is blues rock at its absolute finest!
Wooden Jesus continues the beautiful ballad sound, with probably my favorite bassline of the album and adding another layer to the music with a what I believe is a very prominent and majestic-sounding banjo (if not it’s an acoustic) during the second verse and Cornell just absolutely owns it vocally on this track McCready’s criminally underrated guitar solo ties it all together perfectly. Four Walled World - along with Times of Trouble - captures Chris Cornell’s bluesiest sound I’ve ever heard on record, and the extended outro allows him to get some serious wails out along with another epic McCready solo. Four Walled World is a very strong track and gives me vibes of Pearl Jam’s soon-to-heard songwriting. In particular Four Walled World sounds sort of like precursor to Pearl Jam’s Deep. I’m not sure why exactly but they remind me of each other. Both have very bluesy riffs although Deep is definitely a harder edged track (love the phaser effect on it). But listening to it now it is more bluesy than I remembered for being one of the heavier Ten tracks. The main riffs are what sound similar to me.
All Night Thing is among the best album closers I’ve ever heard, settling the album and night with a beautiful ballad that feels a bit influenced by The Doors due to the use of an organ for the main melody (courtesy of the great Rick Parasher). I love that they went this route for the closing song. It makes me want to restart the album when it finishes so amazingly like that! This album has shades of Led Zeppelin all over it and I mean that in the best way possible. Heck even Chris Cornell and Robert Plant have very similar vocals imo and virtually identical vocal range at four octaves (although I’ve heard five for both as well) with the ability to croon or wail with the best - well they are the best lol.
The album is perfect from start to finish. Everyone served their purpose immaculately. Every single note, chord, lyric / vocal on this album feels perfectly placed. From the opening tracks that Cornell penned as soon as he heard the tragic news to the full on blues rock of the middle to the end of the album. I love the Mother Love Bone flavor to many of the tracks - particularly Pushin’ Forward Back and Your Savior imo. All Night Thing is among the best album closers ever in regards to softer gentler closers, which also includes Mother Loce Bone’s Chloe DanceCrown of Thorns (Shine EP and Apple - but without Chloe Dancer for the latter for whatever silly reason as both together created the “Stairway to Heaven of gen X”). Also including a piano - again courtesy of Rick Parasher - in a few songs was absolutely poetic being that it was Wood’s instrument of choice. I just wish he could’ve been the one playing piano on a Mother Love Bone and Soundgarden collaboration where they still somehow find Eddie Vedder and Mike McCready. If this album shows us anything, it is that tragedy can often sparks a passionate flame that otherwise cannot be equaled. Mind Riot by Soundgarden is further proof in this particular case.
Also my other picks for best softer album closers - so excluding all harder songs, or this will go on forever lol - plus closing with a gentler song I’ve always preferred as it feels like the albums way of saying “goodnight” which the first of these songs I’m going to list literally does! Jane’s Addiction’s Classic Girl (Ritual de lo Habitual), Pearl Jam’s Release (Ten), Pearl Jam’s Indifference (Vs), Alice In Chains’ Over Now (Tripod), Nirvana’s Something in the Way (Nevermind), Led Zeppelin’s Tea for One (Presence), Aerosmith’s You See Me Crying (Toys In The Attic) Aerosmith’s Home Tonight (Rocks).
Thank you to those who took the time to read my review of my favorite album of all-time! Rest in Peace to the great musicians / producers and human that were Andrew “Andy” Wood, Chris Cornell and Rick Parasher (producer for Temple of the Dog’s eponymous album and Pearl Jam’s Ten). You will all live on forever through your incredible music and be forever loved! Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

A lot of "normal" people may laugh at the title, and at the very notion that someone could be addicted to music and be dependent on it, since we usually think that addiction can only apply to things such as drugs, alcohol, video games, amongst other more "mainstream" items. Even though in reality addiction can be anything that you have built a dependency on, and anything that is negatively affecting your life - unfortunately, that's music for me. Even though I realize music itself is not the problem, it's me.
I'd come to this realization before, but never actually did anything about it. I'd realized that I have a big problem, I spend hours upon hours of my day listening to songs on my headphones, pacing around and of course daydreaming. As I am sure many of you can relate, music is the biggest trigger for my MDD. It started years back, so it's not a recent thing, but it's definitely snowballed into a bigger and bigger problem each year. Before, when this issue of mine started when I was still in my early high-school years, I'd listen to songs and daydream about fictional worlds; think fantasy type and stuff with intricate stories and various characters. At this point, it still wasn't classified as a problem because I could control it. As high-school progressed onto my later years, that's when things started getting worse. I'd prioritize daydreaming and listening to music over studying.
Throughout from I'd say 2019 (late high-school) to present day (now early 20s), I've oscillated between phases where this was really bad, and then times where I had it under control. But it started spiraling the worst its ever been mid-ish 2023, so last year.
I've pinpointed that it's gotten even worse now because I am deeply, deeply unsatisfied with my real life. I realized this because I took notice that I went from daydreaming about fantastical worlds, to daydreaming about being a completely different person, having an entirely different life, having good friends (I know that's sad, but I lead an isolated life which doesn't help with my problem), being an amazing singer, being an amazing artist, being an amazing whatever- highly-appraised-career you can insert here. It's a symptom that I am trying to escape who I am, and using it as a form of escapism, much like someone could use video-games. The thing is, I don't have time for this anymore. I am not a HS teenager anymore. I am an adult in my early 20s now, and I am sowing consequences for me to harvest later on in my future if I continue.
This addiction leaves me to forsake the things I actually want and need to do. For so long, I have been listening to music and imagining myself in some alternate reality where I am the complete opposite of a total failure (as I am now) like it's a job. The ironic part is that the more I do this, the more I dig a bigger hole into being an even more massive failure. The truth is that reality is harsh to face, and when I look in the mirror, I am faced with the fact that I am none of those things that I wish to be. And I am not those things because some are genuinely impossible and grandiose, and the ones that are realistic, I could achieve if I actually put my time into being productive and manage to dominate my anxiety and feelings of low self worth. I feel like I could've even achieved them by now, if only I hadn't wasted so much time. It's the very definition of a vicious cycle, I feel like an anxious, worthless, failure, so I retreat into my own mind and drown out those uncomfortable thoughts with music instead of facing them. Which causes me to feel worse next day. Repeat.
Now though, I've decided to quit. Today was my first day not listening to any music. I think I underestimated how difficult it was going to be, because now at nighttime (when I most often listen to music and daydream), I find myself getting incredibly antsy and like I need to scratch an annoying persistent itch. I almost gave in, but so far I have persisted. I plan to do this for 2 weeks at first, then increase it to 2 more weeks, and so on. I may do this for a couple of months. My main goal with this is to increase my productivity, and nurture my current connections with people (family) because as I failed to mention before, it also affects my interpersonal relationships bc I tend to choose escapism before talking to family often. I also hope to make new connections and get out more, the actual world is scary of course, but it also has a lot of beautiful things to offer. I feel like I can't enjoy music on a deep level anymore as well, I just passively listen to it out of custom almost a lot of the time. Not always bc I even want to.
I don't want to feel like I am watching my life go by anymore, for so long I've felt like a background character in my own life, but instead of fixing it I just cope with it in an unhealthy way.
I am writing this post because maybe someone else out there can relate, and hopefully this post can help by inspiring you to take charge of your own life and mind. I am not sure if this long post will be read by many people, but I'll make sure to do an update by the 2 week mark and subsequent updates after that. If anyone is interested in joining me, then you are more than welcome to.

I'm 40 and I've only had two girlfriends in my life, neither of them lasted long. There was almost a third but she died soon after I found out she was interested in me. The only women who ever hit on me are older - for example my friend's mom once said "if I was your age I'd be all over you", but later I found out she asked my friend "how come he doesn't have a girlfriend? Is he gay?"
I'm decent looking I guess, I work out all the time so I'm in good physical shape especially compared to many people my age. Coworkers were surprised to find out my real age and thought I was in my 20's. I'm confident and have no problem approaching women, but it always ends with getting rejected or me never seeing them again. One recent frustrating example happened when I went up to a new girl at work. She was shy and seemed surprised that a guy would approach her, but she was very friendly, smiled the whole time and didn't try to end the conversation to get back to work. She told me her name and how often she'd be scheduled there....but then I didn't see her for a week. I came to find out she'd been reassigned to another location. I wish I had asked for her number but it seemed too sudden, and I thought it would make me look desperate. I was counting on her still being there so I could get to know her more.
Also at work the only people who show any interest in me are older women and gay men. There's even a gay manager who kept making passes at me until he found out I was straight.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or what. I guess I just felt like venting.

I just day dream about you. I can’t see you I’m not watching. I want to though. I miss you. I’m going to stream thiis summer I hope. Eeeek lol I’m chilling out bc I still just know how I feel. Idk. It’s weird. I’m okay I guess. I’d still run just to you if I could and I think I can. I crying now.. bc it’s just so sweet. 🥹 I care so much. <—— I could go off on those lines. lol
I’ve been talking to some guy that want to just come over and on my computer write the beats after I make the song. (Idk, everyone has their own ways… but I think I can work with whatever at the moment.). Which is cool like, opening my requests has been a good thing bc I’m smart enough to check people out u know..!.!.!.! I’ve had a lot of music talk w peeps hitting me up bc of our mutual friends and they haven’t seen me out before and I gotta go through the motions- asking 1,2,3 out of 25 mutual friends are they cool, are they a crackhead, do they have a home, are they black, jk but I’m pretty smart w it, I think I am anyway. But if there is one thing I’ve learned in the last year and a half it’s nothing is as easy as it seems it’s about to be. Bc if it was…
Anyway, I wish I was just next to you.. at some point… for a while.

To keep it short:
I have severe relationship trauma and PTSD. I am currently in IOP and did a partial program to work towards healing, and things are getting worse before they hopefully get better.
I have episodes more and more frequently of intense flashbacks, that leave me completely a wreck. The days following I am in a constant state of disassociation. I can’t remember what day it is, what I did a few minutes ago, hours or days. I can’t focus when I’m around others. I’m not there. I have intrusive thoughts of the violence that terrify me, so whenever I am not having a flashback most of my energy goes towards trying to avoid letting any memories breakthrough and cause one.
I am in a newer relationship, 4 months and I am a 24f and she is a 25f. They are incredibly supportive and kind, and have seen this struggle- despite how private of a person I am, I have let them in, which is so so rare. I truly love them. However, the past few days I have been so out of it. I had one of my worst flash backs ever three days ago, and since then I can barely remember anything going on around me, keep track of time, or be present. Tonight, I told her I’d try and see her- then I ended up going to the gym and telling her I was just going to go home and sleep. She said she was upset that I blew her off, when she put aside the time to see me. She isn’t wrong for this at all, but I also use the gym as a way to hopefully regain a sense of being conscious. I needed it, but I also needed to stick to my word and be a good partner. She said that I haven’t been present the past few days, and she’s right. I haven’t. I have made time to see her, but I’m not there. I can’t even really get myself to make eye contact. I just feel gone. I wish I didn’t, but it’s like I’m stuck behind a fuzzy glass window that I can’t break through. She told me reliability is everything to her so she was frustrated. She didn’t understand why I would go to the gym when I could have spent the extra hours of the day with her. The word reliability terrified me. I can’t even rely on my own brain, who is having such intense episodes that completely pull the rug out from under me- and thus, pull it out from under her.
I can’t fix this, and I can’t promise consistent mental presence or reliability. I can’t promise to want to hang out everyday, or take the extra few hours I have at the end of the day to spend it with her rather than on myself, so I can try and just pull it together enough to get through. I love her so so much, and she truly is kind and I know she would be understanding if I said this- but I refuse to create a dynamic where she can’t have her needs met or have to worry about triggering someone, or become a caretaker even if it’s not conscious. I am also not one who likes to be around others when I am having a bad day. Also, since the trauma is relationship based, on really bad days the last thing I want is to be intimate in any form- sexual, emotional, physical, romantic. My body physically resents it in those moments. The good days are good, and I am okay- but I know that the bad ones aren’t going away anytime soon. I know I can communicate all of this, and I will, but I don’t know if staying with her and letting her be in a relationship with someone who actively can’t be a fully present partner is fair. I also know she would want to work through this, but I don’t know what to do. To be a fair person, and to do right by her, should I break up with her?
I know that no one can tell me what to do, but I would really really really appreciate any insight, or just to hear anyone else’s stories if they relate.
TLDR: I have ptsd and it makes me an unreliable partner

Realistically, I've been behind on my projects this whole PhD. I've felt pretty neglected by my advisor, and felt like I've had to define and synthesize all of my project by myself. As such, I don't know what's good enough for the dissertation. I feel so burnt out because I've been in high gear since August. It's eroded friendships and taken a toll on my relationship. He wanted my last chapter's draft by tonight and it didn't happen. Just so many little pieces I thought I knew, but when I got writing, I just got confused. Data didn't make sense. We already pushed things back a few weeks and my funding ends at the end of the month. I don't know how I'm supposed to be looking for jobs at the same time, especially in this market. I feel like he's sick of my shit and just wants me gone and that's an awful feeling. I frankly don't blame him either, but I just wish he'd do more mentoring and less university politics and admin.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice or venting or what. This just feels impossible and I don't know how or if I should convey that to him. Ugh.

I've met them in october last year and we clicked pretty well I'd say. Since we both knew that at the tme our relationship coulnd't work due to us being at different points in life and having different ideas of realtionshios.
We decided that we would continue seeing eachother and as you can imagine it lead to both of us developing emotions for eachother. We talked about it multiple times but 2 days ago we decided we would stop for good.
The feelings i feel right nowmake me so unvomfortable, at the same time I'm reliefed, angry and dissapointed. I know it was the right decision for both of us but I just can't stop thinking about them and wish we could see each other for a little longer.
I know that more time needs to pass for me to get over but It feels like I've got no one to blame and this makes it so much harder to cope with the fact I'll never be seeing them again.
I would like to know how prople who went trough similar experiences found a way to get over it quicker.

Hi, I (26m) have known my wife for (25f) for 7 years. I love and respect her very much, but sometimes I get frustrated at her not thinking in times of emergency. I know she really hates it when I raise my voice (tough childhood) so I am careful about never screaming that's why this is a big deal.
Recently we went on a hiking trip for one of her friends (23f) birthdays and there was a waterfall at the destination. We had been sitting with our legs in the water, and some of her friends (the birthday friend included) had been swimming, etc. When we were done and everyone was packing their things, the birthday friend realised that she lost her very nice earring in the water. She is a good swimmer so she was going underwater to look for it. This was a waterfall with currents, and I told them it was just an earring so no point in looking for it.
This is where things get scary. I thought the friend was already being stupid but I didn't want to say anything and my wife forgot her towel so I dried off to go get her things away from the waterfall and the group.
The next second I heard the friend scream really loudly. I turned around and by that time, my wife had already jumped into the waterfall and was moving to where the friend was. But my wife doesn't know how to swim so she was just walking into deeper and deeper water while the friend was screaming. By when she reached her friend, she could barely keep her head above the water (and she is tall for a woman) and couldn't properly breathe.
Two of their friends who were close by pulled both of them out soon enough, but for me I literally thought my wife was going to drown. She could barely breathe and I am very angry. Turns out the friend was only yelling because she cut her leg against a sharp rock, and that made me even more angry.
When they got out of the water, I couldn't stop myself from just screaming at my wife who was already traumatized from the drowning and she just started crying because of me. Now she has gone to stay with her friend for a sleepover as it was planned but she hasn't texted me once and didn't speak to me at all on the hike down. Her friends have all told me I was an asshole for making her cry after she did something brave but I think it was stupid. What would she have done, she can't swim so they both would have drowned anyway. I respect my wife for her kindness but I think it was really stupid and careless of her to do something like this.
AITA?

today was my birthday, and I told my partner who I became official with not that long ago that it was today and that I zero expectations because she didn't know.
Anyways, she insisted on spending today with me which was awesome and asked me if I wanted to do anything, I said maybe sushi (she has IBS and a bunch of other stomach issues making that one of the only safe foods) and a walk. She was excited and so was I.
Now come today, she wanted me to go over to her place instead of her come to mine. I do it, she still isn't ready takes like over an hour putting on clothes and talking about random gender presentation brainrot the whole time, and bringing up ex's and stuff. I try to avoid talking about that stuff constantly with her because she views her self as significantly further along in transition and it's just annoying, i.e. if I say anything related to that her response is either dismissive or she makes it about herself. So, I just avoid talking about it with her. peppered in there is her talking about bottoming for me, since for her that's 'usually what she does for people's birthdays'. Which is super triggering because topping isn't even my preferred way to have sex, I prefer stuff outside of penetration which I have also told her repeatedly.
Ok, cool so that continues and we make our way over to the sushi spot (also forgot to mention that she had said she would find a spot for us, and didn't lol... so I found this place). I ask her if she's down to pay separate, I kind of expected this to happen... she looks at her phone and looks like she basically disassociated and says, "you really should ask if you want to pay separate before taking me out to sushi". This is so annoying to me because I had even suggested we did something cheaper today than sushi, now I'm even more in the role of comforting her and trying to get her to mentally come back to me. Order the sushi, she doesn't seem to want to eat it at first so I start manually feeding her it and she slowly starts to warm back up.
Now during that time of her gradually talking more and being present with me, she starts talking about bars and getting drunk, getting a handle tonight. etc. etc. Like she is very clearly trying to show to me that she is going to be self-destructive because of how she currently feels. And I'm trying to have a good time so I'm just trying to listen and basically comfort her.
Then she stops being depressive, and looks at me blankly for a while... I'm scared to say something to upset her. She says, "what do we usually talk about?" and I'm so annoyed because recently it's just been gendesexuality stuff and I don't want to talk about that with her and have told her that repeatedly. She then answers that question and says, "it's mainly just gender stuff huh? we don't really talk about anything else". I tell her, "well, that past two times we talked it's been pretty heavy on that but we do talk about other stuff". She wants an example, so I tell her I've been meaning to talk to her about fashion stuff and where to find deals and so on... which she was interested in hearing in the past. So, I talk to her about this and she is so unbelievably uninterested.
I pay the bill ends up being $78.11, way past what I wanted to spend for today but I'm thinking whatever it's my birthday at least I actually get to spend it with someone this year. We go back to her place cuddle, and wake up, fool around a bit and then early on she goes back into that same mental state she was at... Which I'm pretty sure is because she didn't trust herself to bottom at that moment, (once again I don't even prefer topping, and I consider non-penetrative stuff also sex) She even says stuff about how she feels old etc etc, (I'm older than her) and just bringing up other stuff I'm insecure about but it's her own stuff and I just listen to her and try to comfort her.
We're also poly, and in addition to her talking about ex's she then starts messaging current people she's seeing (which I don't like her doing while she's with me). It's just so lame. so lame. such a bad birthday. Feel like my birthday was paying for someone to eat and drink that doesn't care about me at all, while also just being a mental support for them. She probably also thinks she did a great job today making my birthday feel special. Yes, it was special--especially bad.

Any suggestions
Before I explain the situation. I know a lot of people have different boundaries so please respect. I want to break up with my boyfriend because I don’t trust him anymore. I have my reasons to why. On the 3rd month of dating I let him know that I didn’t feel comfortable him having half naked women on his social media, and he told me he don’t pay any mind attention to that. & I just suggested him to erase them when he comes across them and he agreed. I asked him to why he don’t just erase them he said cus he don’t care for it. Anyways second issue, I used to see a lot of girls Snapchat him and when I mentioned it he said he spoke to his girl- friend that is married and I have met before and his guy friend, although I didn’t believe it I chose to give benefit of the doubt. Only reason why I didn’t believe is cus I saw a recurrent snap emoji of a girl. But I thought to myself it’s just a friend. Everything went down hill as time went by, he in fact commented on the girl snap story “ sexy” on her photo & mentioned to me it’s a girl he used to like/talk back in hs. I didn’t see their conversations but, she was sending heart emojis. Anyways, I chose to stay in the relationship bc I thought to myself it’s just a comment. Even tho it was eating me up that he did that. So that triggered me to check his following and the pictures he be liking on instagram , he was following soooo many girls and liking half naked pictures of women. I was so confused cus he told me don’t pay mind attention and more confused to where he was finding these random girls and following them. I mentioned to him about liking half naked women and told him that I would move on if he continues and he said , okay I understand there’s no excuse for my actions ….. he mentioned it’s a habit. W.e anyways I then asked him to show me his IG DMs bc he was following so many girls I thought to myself what if he’s messaging them , well he showed me and nothing. I asked him nicely brought the concern calmly. Anyways, he felt like I was accusing him. But I just wanted to make sure. Then, I kept on seeing his followers and my last straw was when he followed a stripper. Anyways I mentioned his following at the wrong time when we were in vacation. And he said it’s to get inspiration to take pictures of me that’s why he followed women. Anyways, we left it there and then I brought it up again he got so defensive and tired that I was bringing up this issue again and to why I’m bringing social media. I told him how it made me feel and he said he’ll stop and that it’s a habit. Anyways, yesterday I looked through his following and saw he liked a half naked picture of women after we had that conversation. He told me he was erasing women that was showing ass on Facebook , & instagram & that just showed me bs. Thing is right now he’s in basic training for the army so I can’t do much about it now. But I don’t want to be with him, I feel like there was never a solution and was just slapped with a band aid and he told me he’s only doing the unfollowing and stuff just out of “courtesy”. I’m not sure when and how to break up with him. He’s in basic now and then I see him on his ceremony .We been together for 7 months and this issue has been recurring…. And I’m afraid it will. I see no point of working it out cus it’ll be a long distance relationship. My trust has been broken many times. Also he has wandering eyes . I mentioned to him on the 4th month of dating that he has wandering eyes again he told me it’s a habit and he don’t be noticing that… I told him it’s okay to find other people attractive it’s natural but to break a neck it’s where it becomes an issue and staring . Before he left to basic we went to a concert and I saw him staring at a girl and when she walked by he looked back . Right at front of me. What should I do? Is it really a habit ?

Someone I grew close with, took this life. I've read books on grief and how to best support immediate family during this time. It's so hard watching them and I wish I could do everything for them. Honestly I want to buy a house for them. I have no idea what to buy. What do you buy when all you want is the person back? And for the immediate family...? There is nothing I can think of that would make my heart feel any lighter. What do you guys think? I'm not super close to them but I can have stuff delivered. I'm thinking I should make an Amazon wishlist for them but I'm at a complete loss. The most expensive item can't make up for the biggest loss. Feeling disheartened, grieving the loss of a dear friend. Knowing the family is hurting (of course) is so heavy too. Has anyone figured out how to balance time grieving and living?

The context is that my partner is a really sweet, amazing, kind, generous, caring person. They are every kind thing you could say about somebody. They are incredibly book smart and have multiple degrees and are going for their law degree on top of all the degrees and certificates they already have. It’s exceptional. The problem is, and I am trying to say this in the nicest way possible. My partner is seriously bad with social skills and comes off as ‘dumb’, ‘cringeworthy’, ‘childish’ and oblivious at times. They will seriously just blurt out anything that comes to their mind and do anything in public. No matter how embarrassing it is. A small example of this is that one time we walked into a bar and my partner got super excited about the cool decor. There was chains hanging from the ceiling and and coffin shaped tv screen installed in the wall with some cool graphic in it. Upon seeing this as we walked in they got so excited they threw their arms into the air and yelled “AHHHHHHH!” And ran over to the chains and started swinging around on them, knocking into a nearby table that a couple was sitting at. After this, they threw their hands up in the air again and yelled “YIPPIEEEEE” as they ran over to the coffin and banged on it with their fist so hard that it actually flashed black and for a second I thought they had broken it. EVERYONE in the bar was looked at me crazy and the security guard had to pick up the mess with table and the drinks my partner just made. It was like a bad ass toddler has just gone loose in the bar and I imagine people just assumed they were way drunk but they were 100% sober. When they returned to me the first words out of my mouth “sit your ass down what the fuck is your problem?” And they immediately bursted out in tears. Because another problem they have is that they are INCREDIBLY sensitive to criticism. They cannot handle one ounce of even constructive criticism, even if it’s said in the most way gentle possible way they will start to cry.
Honestly, I’m not use to dating people my age. I moved out my house and have been on my own living as an adult since I was 16. Typically you will see me with someone ranging from 24-27. My partner is the first person my age I have been with. But, I understand that becoming a lawful adult at 16 is not a universal experience so that’s why they are a bit immature but they are a good person with a good heart which is not easy to come across nowadays so I am willing to wait and be patient with then until they mature a bit more.
My biggest problem with them though is talking to strangers. My mom taught me at a young age about stranger danger and have admittedly had a pretty traumatic life so I am very cautious about who I trust. It is as if my partner is a toddler who has never once been told not to speak to a stranger. They will tell ANYBODY ANYTHING. No shame or reservations or even the idea that the person might be uncomfortable. They will tell the waiter about the wild sex we just had in DETAIL. They will trap the cashier into a 30 minute conversation when the line is piling up and the poor cashier doesn’t want to know every single detail about whatever. And, it’s not even typically a conversation because it’s just my girlfriend yapping without giving the other person time to say anything. They will treat someone they just met less than 5 minutes like someone they’ve known for years and get into people’s personal space. An example of this would be that one time they stopped a girl in the street to compliment them but then it turned into the usual 30 minute yap sesh. My partner got very excited about whatever they were yapping about and for some reason they decided to suddenly press their forehead to this strangers forehead to express their point. I could see the poor girl get visibly frightened so I yanked my partner back out of instinct to protect not only the girl but my partner to whatever reaction the girl might have. Being completely oblivious to the fact that my partner might’ve just got their shit rocked for triggering this stranger they spun around and said something like “OMG BABE you are SO JEALOUS AND CONTROLLING HAHA SHE IS NOT GOING TO STEAL ME” I wanted to shout “dude, nobody WANTS TO STEAL you. You are EMBARRASSING.” But I didn’t want to embarrass my partner so I threw my hands up and walked away silently.
I’ve tried to talk to them about this. I told them a story my mother use to tell me about a very friendly pretty baby that would wave at everyone until she waved at the wrong stranger and got kidnapped. I explained to them that you can’t just assume everyone has good intentions and you definitely can’t predict what will upset someone so it’s best to keep out of strangers personal space and to never share unnecessary information. They see this as if I am trying to steal their ‘light’ or that I am jealous.
This behavior has not only put us in danger in the past but it is now affecting our living situation. Because the one year mark we decided we wanted to move in together. We found the most gorgeous beautiful lake house that was actually an airbnb but the lady liked us so much she was willing to let us stay long and remove the place from airbnb. It was a godsend. The problem is that on the same land there is 4 other properties just a few feet away from us that the landlord rents as airbnbs so we see all kinds of shady or weird people everyday.
I guess, one day when I wasn’t around my gf told a guest about our living arrangement in detail and the guest tried to ask the landlord for the same thing and when the landlord denied it the guest became aggressive and started bringing my gf’s name the details that they were told into the conversation. The landlord reached out to us and showed us the conversation and the guest was threatening us and her with violence. She asked that we keep the fact that we even live on the property to ourselves. It was a very scary situation and I really thought that my partner learned their lesson about strangers.
But, they didn’t. I’m traveling out of town for work and I guess there was a break in on one of the of the properties. The landlord was reviewing the security cameras when they caught my partner telling another guest about the details of our lease again. They wanted to call my partner and speak to them on the phone to express how serious it is that they do not share details about our lease but I guess when confronted about it, my partner lied and said they didn’t say anything. I guess partner didn’t realize they had been caught in 4K.
The landlord was really upset not only that partner lied but went against her wishes of keeping the agreement to themselves once I calmed the landlord down I phoned my partner but by the time I got ok the phone with my partner I was honestly incredibly irritated. I didn’t raise my voice but I was firm and harsh and told them that the oversharing behavior and it has got to stop. I said “really, how hard is it just to keep your mouth shut when our safety is at risk?” I told them they need to look at going to therapy for this behavior.
They became so agitated they started screaming and crying at me “I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU!!” (What? No one even said that!) & “I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS STUPID HOUSE ILL JUST LEAVE!” (Ez for you to say you haven’t subleased your apartment and moved all your belongings into here yet)
I let them know that we both should take a breather from the convo and now I’m sitting here with my head in my hands, wondering what to do. I know that this is a long read and many people might not make it this far, but if you’ve made it this far, I could really use some advice. I don’t want to talk to my friends and family, because I don’t want them to form a bad opinion about my partner. I feel like I’m dating a child and then I have to correct them like a parent but I don’t want to break up because they are just so good to me outside of this. Please anyone help.

I am 18M working at a TKD studio and I want to become better at teaching classes. The classes I teach are mainly from 5-13 and while I try to follow my Master in their way of teaching, I am also not too experienced myself when it comes to working with students training. I want to be semi-strict but laid back and fun, energetic to help students radiate energy back, and given respect.
I say that last part because one issue I’m having is with controlling the students. They might ask too much questions or questions that might not even relate to what we’re doing, they might not pay attention and just goof off even if I try to look strict, or they’ll just constantly talk. If I pour too much energy then they’ll really get out of hand. How do I reel them back in without bringing down mental? How should I monitor everyone but make sure everyone is also enjoying themselves while they train? Stuff like that
I also want to ask about advice on drills and training regiments. I don’t want to steal but rather “bounce-off” from. I feel that I also don’t have a strong teaching style cause I don’t really know what to fill the classes with. Our studio does forms, sparring, and weapons (Kendo/Kumdo, Nunchaku). It can be from workouts and games for varying ages to drills and practices
I came here to somewhat rant but also ask for some tips on teaching. Maybe some of the things I ask might be too much, but any kinds of advice is much greatly appreciated
Edit: Much of the style stuff comes from a previous GM that I learned under for a small time. His style of teaching was like that and I don’t know any other way to explain it. I feel like I teach better his way and I wish to somewhat bring his style to the table without it being like a “takeover” of sorts. Making it mine instead by tweaking a few things

I’m struggling with my mental health right now and it’s been this way for as long as I can remember it’s just getting to the point where it’s becoming more and more unbearable to wake up and wanna do anything at all feeling numb and depressed to the point I just look at the walls in my room for entertainment and just keep fighting myself for hours on end about things I’ve would have done differently or things I wish I didn’t do or just morbid thoughts about harming myself in different ways I’m alone on a day to day basis and it’s become a everyday thing I feel trapped in my own body and it’s hard to do all of this alone I miss having a best friend who knew me inside and out and all I ever really needed was her and I lost all my confidence all my secrets and the memories have faded and it’s hard to remember all the great memories we had together it makes me wish I took more pictures with her or videos something that can bring me back to those times even now it’s hard to look at her on my phone I don’t even like going through my gallery on my phone and I don’t know why I can’t face it all on my own I’m not used to being alone even after 4 years of being alone. I can’t stand being by myself I’ve been trying to fill this void deep inside me but whenever I do it turns into another life lesson but with the strength I have left I keep trying to fill the void or patch up the best way I know how trying to keep my mind busy with other people trying not to focus on the problem that are built inside me. I said all this to say will anyone be my friend I’m really trying to be positive and hopefully I can find a friend who actually cares about me and values a friendship and is just a great ball of energy! Someone who can make me laugh till I cry and forget about all the bad things that’s ever happened to me. :) hopefully I can find that someone

Me 24M and my girlfriend 20F have been dating for 4 months now. It’s been mostly great, just a few issues with me having to remove every female on instagram including friends which seemed odd to me (she also removed the males). I think I’ve been treating her really well, always making sure she isn’t hungry, giving her flowers, taking her to some places etc.
This week I was assigned on a 5-week project at my university with another female classmate. I interacted with her just the same as I would with a male, but when I told my girlfriend about it, it came as a shock for her. I messaged her that she sounds kinda funny and reminds me of a woman on a reality show we watch together. She reacted seriously saying: “ou she making u laugh now, u have a death wish i see, great enjoy, u have 5 weeks together now” later on she accused me of giving her compliments because I told my gf that she seems normal…
After she calmed down, she came by my place. Later in the evening she asked me to show her my chat with that classmate and I gave her my phone (we are using discord). She saw it was just school stuff but then she told me when we are on a discord call, she wants to listen to her voice and also asked me to describe how she looks like even the color of her eyes which I didn’t even remember. I laughed at the voice chat idea, because the microphone is attached to the headset so I’d like to wear it like a normal person when I’m talking, I also told her that in response. She was pretty pissed and almost left but I managed to calm her down later.
Now even a day later she’s tearing up and saying she feels sad about us and feels like I’m not taking her seriously because I laugh at her concerns instead of being affectionate and reassuring (aka giving her whatever she wants). She also says she feels like a burden to me. I even apologized for my behavior but I have a weird feeling about this now so I’m writing it here to see things from another perspective.

We're close to 11 months post D-day...
The present bad: The body remembers the trauma the mind doesn't. I have been waking up anxious and with a lot of aches and pain. It's as if I am carrying an elephant and it's causing me not to breathe as much. Which is weird because I generally wake up in WH's arms which usually makes me feel happy. I'm also sometimes warped back into D-day hour zero. The feeling of incredulousness and rejection spreads through my body often like molten lava pouring from my head to my toes. When I get like this, I often check the APs SM/ Reddit just to make sure they're not thinking/ talking to WH. They're not. Everyone involved has moved on. So why am I the only one stuck?
The good though: I spent the day in between meetings coordinating upcoming plans with WH. I just realized that we're planning things way into the future: - My birthday trip to Disneyland - Baby Showers for the next 2 months - A big event happening on Labor Day weekend - Trying to get football tix for our college and NFL team. - Planning on either visiting my home country or Italy for our next anniversary - Moving to an area closer to our jobs after this coming school year when our youngest child goes to elementary school (2025)
It showed me how far we've come.
After D-day, with the triggers and spirals, I was approaching our relationship on an hour-by-hour basis.
After a few weeks, I approached it on a day-to-day basis...
It wasn't until month 6 that I confessed to him that I refuse to make plans with him beyond a few days because it feels like our terms are on a month-to-month basis. He was saddened by it but said he'll meet me at my pace.
Now we're 10 months and 3 1/2 weeks past D-day, and we're making plans roughly 18 months ahead. The pessimist in me wants to temper my plans, but the optimist is giddy with hope for a long-term future.
All this has been a testament to our hard work in IC, and in MC. He's been doing all the right things to be more transparent and honest with me. I've been doing my best to address my own shortcomings in the relationship so he no longer had any justification to have an A. I still fucking hate being cheated on and I hate that the APs existed in our lives, but I hope one day I won't find myself as filled with anger and resentment against them. I just want to focus on a future with him and our children.
ETA: I drafted this post while WH is in IC. When he got out, I asked him what he's ok sharing and he said he was just commenting to his IC how nice it is that we're making plans for the next 6 months together. I laughed and told him I was drafting this post about how weird it is we're making long-term plans. Then he said he wants to check out the new podcast episode of our favorite comedian, and I laughed again because I had it queued up in case he's interested. I love that we're so in sync again. Fuck the affairs though. He and I could have lost this completely. It took a lot of hard days, nights, job loss and thousands of dollars in IC and MC to get here. Hoping for a better future.