Hi there! For the jump relevant to this post, click here. It IS a Troyverse Ascension so this is a very powerful type of creature and by coming to this jump you become one. This is an experiment with a new type of discussion post where I talk about big beasties from various settings you can become, and the fun you can have as whatever type of creature you can become.
Have a fun future announcement: I have plans for a jump to a generic world that is secretly in the process of becoming conquered by a Sanguinarch. In my head this jump would include origins for civilians, the resistance, collaborators, and a full origin for a Sanguinarch-spawned vampire. This is a WHOLLY original idea and is very far down the docket of jumps I want to create, but it is one I want to make before the end of the year. So if you like this post, you may like whatever I end up creating at some point in the future whenever I get around to making the jump I just mentioned.

Sanguinarch Basics

Sanguinarchs are one of the five types of Troyverse ascendants alongside Archdemons, Cosmic Gods, Dragon Lords, & Transynths. Three of the four types of beings I mentioned have jumps, all of which have been created by me and are reflections of the original source CYOAs that have been jump-ified and given some QOL things that are relevant to jumpers specifically. Ascendants are beings that tap into the fundamental rules of reality in some way. Archdemons use sins, Cosmic Gods use D&D/Pathfinder style domains, Dragon Lords use draconic fonts of power, and Transynths use technology and science. Sanguinarchs use... Well, Sanguinarchs use Essence.
So at their core Sanguinarchs are supreme undead & necromancers. They are vampires that can feed on entire planets, solar systems, galaxies, and even universes at the very height of somewhat possible attainable power for their kind, becoming cosmopotences (an in-universe term for beings capable of affecting entire universes). Sanguinarchs are also notoriously flexible tricksters with a very nasty grab bag of possible tricks.
The first level of a Sanguinarch's bag of tricks are their foci; a theme around which a sanguinarch focuses themselves granting themselves a particular set of abilities and skills. There are three foci, but any Sanguinarch can take more than one foci, though such sanguinarchs are the rarest members of their kind. The three foci are cultured, dominating, and savage.
The cultured focus is for sanguinarchs who value intelligence, reasoning, non-violence, and diplomacy. It grants any sanguinarch who takes it enhanced charisma, intelligence, persuasiveness, and the ability to conduct rituals which can enact any kind of magic other than magic that transforms bodies or morphs minds on massive scales in hours, scales which would normally take even entire planets of archmages years of constant collaboration to pull off. Sanguinarchs with this focus have enhanced magic when it comes to the body and mind but only magic enhanced to the scale that a normal archmage could realistically have, which is not nothing but it pales in comparison to the rest of their magical kit.
Dominating focused sanguinarchs value control over all things and have the ability to enslave people within a few miles of them, but if they have the right major sanguine power then they can dominate everyone in a galaxy around them. These servitors are 100% loyal to you and would do anything you command. They also passively generate essence for you, giving you oath based essence (unless you've shunned the oath source) which is the only way that mind controlling someone can generate oath based essence, as normally such a font stems from oaths that are willingly sworn rather than ones that stem from supernatural influence.
The final focus is the savage focus. This is a purely physical focus and it is tremendously powerful, boosting your speed to galactic scale and giving you unbelievable power and endurance.
The foci can also be mixed and matched, in the sense that buying one does not lock you out of the other two.
Going to the next facet of the sanguinarch's toolkit, let's talk about essence. Essence is a substance that sanguinarchs can absorb and make use of, which is generated by all sorts of connections (this term is being used in a conceptual, esoteric sense here); interactions which result in blood being drawn, the devouring of one's soul, consensual sex between adults, oaths that are willingly sworn ("willingly" here does include oaths sworn under duress but not under the influence of supernatural powers), and a sanguinarch's own dominion (Remember this word, we'll circle back to it). Essence is a substance that is generated by ALL instances of the things I mentioned, blood, souls, pleasure, and oaths, but only a sanguinarch can absorb and use the substance. Sanguinarchs naturally absorb any essence created by their own actions, and can maximize the five sources that generate essence up above, which allows them to passively absorb the essence generated by their personalized types of vampiric spawn (another thing we'll get too later in this post) in the cases of blood, souls, and pleasure (provided the type of vampire in question feeds on it), and then if oaths are sworn to your vampires, and in the case of maximizing the dominion source of essence you make it easier to add places to your dominion rather than increasing how much essence the dominion feeds you.
Essence can be spent in one of three ways; it can empower an active ability (such as a spell you're about to cast), it can buff a passive trait (such as boosting your durability), and finally it can emulate a one-off instance of any kind of effect you want. This last ability takes some explaining, but a sanguinarch can spend their essence (which is a resource that once spent is gone, though it is incredibly easy to gain more) to emulate any kind of power on virtually any scale, with more impressive powers on larger scales costing fortunes in essence. A sanguinarch with this ability can do virtually anything provided they are ready to spend the right amount of essence. This ability makes sanguinarchs extremely unpredictable and dangerous. Essence MUST be spent to use this ability, even if emulating an ability you've already emulated in the past.
Now let's talk about the more direct powers & the potent servants of sanguinarchs; vampires.

Sanguinarch's Active Abilities & Vampiric Spawn

There are two types of active powers that are uniquely part of a sanguinarch's power set; major sanguine powers, and also Dominion perks.
Major Sanguine powers are powers that require no essence and are extremely simple for the vampire-like monsters to use. There are about 17 of these abilities and each of them is worth understanding. More details on each of these abilities can be found in the jump or in the source document.
Empowerment boosts your effectiveness with essence. Shadowblank makes you stunningly difficult to detect and if you are willing to spend the essence can be used on your dominion, but when used on your dominion it is somewhat more detectable than you since if someone enters the dominion they can see it. Darkness allows you and your forces to get stronger in darkness and in places attuned to darkness. Eclipse lets you shroud a place in darkness. Phylacktery is your respawn mechanic. Monstrous Command lets you command animals and monsters of all kinds. Mindlink is stunningly powerful telepathic communication. Hypnosis is a brutally powerful form of mind control dependent on making eye contact with someone but if you hit them with it you can give almost any sort of command that you can imagine so long as it's not permanent and you can stack commands on somebody. Puppetmaster lets you seize control of all sorts of moving things and people, moving them in ways that are pleasing to you, almost like straight up telekinesis. Spectral Form gives you conditional intangibility (intangible to things like enemy strikes but tangible when you want to punch someone or otherwise interact with something), and Regeneration lets you recover from virtually sort of damage instantly, unless said damage is inflicted by a being wildly stronger than you.
Trueshifting is pretty incredible shapeshifting, power emulation, and cloning. Mirrorwalk is, for all intents and purposes, instant teleportation from any one mirror to any other mirror, at least in the local multiverse. Mass Telekinesis is ridiculously powerful telekinetic abilities able to hold even quintillions of different things in space at once, even if each individual thing has the same mass of mountains. Enthrall lets you turn people into thralls, immortal, devoted supernatural servants. all of whom are enhanced sources of essence in every way, their blood, souls, and pleasure giving you more essence, as well as their oaths generating more essence over time. Absorption lets you absorb skills, knowledge, and abilities from those you get essence from, be it you targeting a teacher, or your spawn targeting a local king, and by opting to gain a bit less essence then you'd otherwise gain you can instead just copy this stuff rather than taking it from the people you target with this power. Dark brides are special types of servants you can create that are wholly bonded to you, either creating someone from nothing or turning a living person into a dark bride so long as they consent to it. Dark brides can do whatever you can as a sanguinarch but each dark bride costs more than the last with the first being free.
Let's talk about dominions. A sanguinarch's dominion is not just territory that is under their control, but a patch of space that has been so thoroughly conquered by them that the land itself recognizes their control and lordship. This happens when a significant amount of essence has been gathered and absorbed by a single sanguinarch in one continuous area (how much essence is required depends in part on the size of the space in question), which eventually renders the space vulnerable to powerful dark rituals which the sanguinarch and their homies can perform over the course of several days. When these rituals are completed the patch of space becomes a part of their dominion, and a sanguinarch's dominion feeds them essence every second, with bigger dominion's feeding them more essence. A dominion is permanently under the influence of a sanguinarch who claims it, and in the Troyverse there are plenty of places that can be under the thumb of other sanguinarch since other sanguinarchs exist but once you jump OUT of the Troyverse... Well, there's a LOT of space in all but the smallest-setting-wise jumps for you to turn into your turf. There are a total of nine perks that specifically affect a sanguinarch's dominion, bolstering it in various ways. Let's talk about them!
Sentinals are a type of guardian that, if the perk is purchased, are generated by the dominion itself (and created by it whenever you add space to your dominion, or with the right perk, whenever it sufficiently expands) and have ultra-human (planet-level) physiques as well as some vampire-like abilities. These guardians protect your dominion but cannot leave it, and if they are somehow destroyed (and it'd take a being on par with or beyond Superman to do this so it IS possible but in a lot of settings it's not especially likely) your dominion will resurrect them over the course of a few days unless you spend some essence to rebuild them. They are also completely immune to mind control or being puppeted, and are aware of everything in your dominion.
Many dominion perks are handy because they make your dominion more suitable to your minions and you in some way and pliant climate is one such perk. PC begins with a one time effect that makes a new patch of dominion more hospitable to your minions, altering reality to do something like destroying radiation that might destroy sufficiently weak lifeforms or creating landmasses for your servants to walk on, and after that effect has occurred you can personally warp reality to alter the climate in your dominion even weaponizing weather against invaders or other enemies.
Labyrinth is a perk that enhances your dominion's natural and default resistance to enemy reality warping (to such an extent that universe-scale reality warpers would struggle to use reality warping in your space), and also causes the local geography to warp and twist in reality-defying ways that make it virtually impossible for non-ascendants to escape without your permission.
Shroud is a perk that nullifies any default weaknesses you or your spawn may have to traditional anti-vampire stuff (sanguinarchs do not have such weaknesses by default though a drawback can give you some) such as sunlight, garlic, silver, or fire, so long as you or your spawn are in your dominion. If you opted to allow your spawn to be weak to stuff, particularly sunlight, this can be an incredibly handy perk to have and can give even the most disloyal vampires powerful reasons to aid you in expanding your dominion.
Obedient architecture lets you turn raw materials into grand structures instantly, so long as the required reality warping occurs in your dominion.
Gluttonous enhances how much essence you get when you are in your dominion, but this particular perk is a bit odd. The way this perk works is by enhancing ALL feeding you do on essence so long as you are in the confines of your dominion. Very importantly this enhances the potency of the dominion's passive essence production, but also bolsters every other source of essence, and can be very powerful if you strive to maximize essence production. This can also blend very powerfully with another ability we'll mention in a second.
Shadow Paths is a perk that ties together all patches of dominion in a jump (for jumper-sanguinarchs, this limitation doesn't exist for pure CYOA sanguinarchs). What this means is that your servants and those you give permission too can step into one patch of dominion and immediately enter another patch located elsewhere, even if doing so entails them stepping somewhere in North Carolina and suddenly appearing in Alaska, or on the moon. This is one of the best forms of teleportation in the Troyverse that is able to be used by ascendants, but requires the powerful setup needed to turn a place into a patch of dominion in the first place, as opposed to requiring the advanced technology other ascendants can use to swiftly and stealthy teleport en-masse. One handy aspect of this power is that it is only accessible to those you permit and only if they are loyal to you; if a vampire you converted into a vampire is somehow under enemy control they cannot use these paths at all. This is a neat defensive measure that prevents this ability from being used against you. The paths automatically appear whenever you add a patch to your dominion, connecting any and all such spaces.
Power Suppression is a very handy ability that shuts down enemy/non-allied powers so long as they are in your dominion, which if fused with something like labyrinth can be incredibly devastating. How strong this perk is depends on how much you invest in it, but frankly even the first tier makes entire settings (even ones with powered beings) unable to use their powers against your will, as a LOT of settings do not have any beings that are planet-scale.
Eminent Domain is a stunningly powerful perk that enhances your dominion in every respect. Firstly it makes it so that any abilities you use remotely do not suffer any diminishment (all ascendants are capable of using their ascendant abilities at incredible ranges so long as the area they are using their powers in are sufficiently under their influence in some way, but normally such abilities suffer some level of weakened effectiveness due to distance). This also radically bolsters your awareness of what occurs in your dominion, granting you pseudo-omniscience within the strict confines of your dominion. Lastly, and most importantly, this stunningly powerful perk allows your patches of dominion to expand themselves!
Normally a patch of dominion is static in the sense that it does not expand sans external intervention (Basically a patch of dominion's size and dimensions are determined at the moment a place is converted and normally stays that way forever). With ED this is changed and instead patches of dominion slowly expand with how quickly they expand being determined by whether or not you maximized the dominion essence source (and a requirement that feedings occur in the patch of dominion in question). Think of it this way; it's easier for a sanguinarch who has patches of dominions in banks where vampire bankers get people to swear oaths via bank loans to watch their patches expand than a sanguinarch whose patches are in barren deserts to watch their patches expand. That's not to say it can't be done, the desert-owning sanguinarch can turn serial killers into vampires, have them take their victims to the dominion patches and feed on them in there, but that IS more complex than the setup for the banking sanguinarch I also mentioned.
Fully understanding and maximizing the power of the dominion is difficult but it's worth it. A sanguinarch with a few perks is an impressively powerful lord of any space they turn into their dominions, and a sanguinarch with ED can slowly and cautiously watch their dominion expand without having to do the rituals. It's dope.
Now let's talk about vampric spawn! I'm not gonna go over every facet of this, as there's a lot of individual options that'd need to be discussed. but vampiric spawn are a SPECIFIC type of vampire created by a sanguinarch. A sanguinarch can turn anyone in the same planet into a vampire spawn, and even gods are not immune to this transformation, neither are animals, demons, or any supernatural beings unless they are on par with an ascendant themselves. It's also stunningly difficult to resist this transformation, so someone can do something like catch Superman off guard and turn him into one of your spawn.
There are a number of reasons why sanguinarchs want vampiric spawn, but for a lot of sanguinarchs vampiric spawn will be best viewed as a way to speed up one's ability to gather essence. When deciding your builds you have three options when it comes to all five sources of essence; you can "shun" them, you can leave them unaltered, or you can maximize them. "Shunning" a source means you never get essence from it (but this does not make them useless, as dominions can get still benefit from dominion perks AND turning an area into a dominion can stop other sanguinarchs from doing so, though this would only be useful in Troyverse jumps), leaving it alone means you can get essence from instances of the source caused by you and you alone, and maximizing the source means that any actions that are relevant to the source that your spawn cause (that in the case of blood, pleasure, and souls they can FEED on) generates essence for you (which is relevant both for the purposes of the absorption sanguine major power and for the purposes of eventually creating new patches of dominion). This means that vampiric spawn are more than handy servants, they can be vital expanders of your empire.
A sanguinarch can customize vampiric spawn they create in a number of ways by purchasing options in the vampiric spawn customization section of the jump doc. If a sanguinarch went bonkers on this section their maxed out vampires would be fucking stacked with modifiers like enhanced beauty, an ability to grow stronger from feeding (and it being a carving rather than a necessity), fanatical loyalty to you, the ability to mesmerize people, fly, turn into mist, and shapeshift, as well as physiques that are 100 times the peak for their species. These vampires would be tremendously powerful servants, and could make for incredible followers.

Sanguinarch Thoughts & Musings

Now that we've spent a beat discussing the facets of sanguinarch stuff that will persist across jumps, let's talk a bit about thoughts & musings related to sanguinarchs!
Sanguinarchs are hands down the best territory-type ascendants. Their ability to conquer a place so thoroughly that they turn it into their dominion is fucking wild given what dominion perks can do to a place, and a properly stealthy sanguinarch can do it before people even realize that something fucky is going on. Even in modern police states sanguinarchs with the right builds can be masters of subtlety and stealth, or can just blitz a place so fast that no one has a chance to resist (this is especially true for dominating sanguinarchs).
I really like the versatility and flexibility of sanguinarchs, as the emulate function of essence and stuff like shadowblank and mindlink are so fantastically potent that they are just nightmarishly powerful in the right hands.
A sanguinarch that opts to not be watered down and instead has the full functionality of a CYOA sanguinarch rather than my suggested edits to make the power of a sanguinarch more approachable can enter a setting and turn everyone in their home world into a vampire in an instant, or can dominate entire communities in a second, In some respects this is just beyond what other ascendants can do (though all ascendants can buy greater megapowers which can allow other ascendants to emulate a sanguinarch with the right focus). Manifold ascendants that are sanguinarchs AND other things can instantly create cults to themselves and, assuming they are an archdemon, dragon lord, or cosmic god, immediately begin to gain power from the worship power source.
As a stealth-type jumper person I really really like the potency of a sanguinarch's many abilities that either revolve around stealth or allow for it, with powers like eclipse and shadowblank being perennial favorites of mine. I also love that there are powers that revolve around knowing more than others and hiding in the dark, giving boosts to your other powers if you are just smarter than your foes or if you are a sneaky sneak. One fascinating aspect of the darkness power is how it can synergize with absorption, since you can drain knowledge from foes with strikes, which makes your other abilities stronger against them.
Here are some fun ideas for interesting targets to turn into vampiric spawn or otherwise use in a story with a jumper sanguinarch.
A serial killer who will now eagerly dedicate their kills to you, and who is happy to target anyone you wish to see killed.
A cop who needs to find the people who kidnapped her brother. Now armed with vampiric powers she will investigate her brother's kidnapping with brutal efficiency.
A priest having a crisis of faith whose mind is exceptionally loud one night when you are scanning nearby minds. Now he worships you rather than whatever god he once believed in.
A high school queen bee who is afraid of the future or growing old and is eagerly willing to cavort with dark forces once she realizes they are real and willing to help her, for a price. This one can be really fun if you turn her friend into a vampiric spawn and dangle the prospect in front of her but instead use some of your abilities to do stuff like enhance her but not give her the immortality she craves.
A promising athlete who was critically injured and is desperate to recover and rebuild their career.
A politician who craves more and more power, and is happy to make dark deals.
A terminally ill child with parents who are desperate to see them get better, and who will pay any price if it means their child has a miracle. And to keep paying for their child's continued health.
Sanguinarchs CAN be brutal overlords who conquer places with force, and that can be a lot of fun given how incredibly powerful the savage focus is (and how much scarier it can be with stuff like spectral form and regeneration). Sanguinarchs can also be shadowy deal makers who have fun putting things in place and watching how they move once they are positioned in front of each other.
There are some very inventive ways for a sanguinarch to get essence. One of my favorites is to create vampires that are, for all intents and purposes, succubi and have them run brothels where they sell themselves at incredibly low prices and have them feast on horny peeps. Another way I really like is to create charisma based vampires and turn banks into dens for my vampirism, or turn places like lending agencies into hives of my vampires.
Certain places are also very likely to be targeted by me whenever I create sanguinarchs (be they CYOA or jump sanguinarchs); hospitals and prisons. My sanguinarchs are invariably predatory assholes and they recognize how desperate people can be after a difficult doctor's visit, and they also see prisons as places that are incredibly easy to turn into patches of their dominion, whether it's turning desperate and scared prisoners into vampires or giving prison guards and staff the power to more easily and safely corral the prisoners.

Conclusion

I honestly just really like sanguinarchs. They have such fun and varied power sets, and can dramatically expand their toolkits with stuff like Absorption and the emulate function of their ability to manipulate essence. Sanguinarchs and Transynths are the oddest of the ascendants, but I have such fun with both of their power sets and it can be so rad to see what sort of mischief a sanguinarch jumper can get up too while turning a place into a part of their dominion.
I hope this overview helps you think more keenly about sanguinarchs and their eerie meshes of abilities. If you've ever run a sanguinarch jumper, or have plans to do so I'd love to hear all about them!

Me (F27) and my husband (M27) have been together for 6 years and married 1. In the beginning like most relationships, it was perfect. We were fun, sex was great, it felt so right. Fast forward to now and well… these have been some of our issues…
Communication- we always end up arguing about the same things over and over again. It’s like when we are talking, we hear each other and understand but end up circling back around. I don’t understand.
Trust- when we got together, it was under different circumstances. I was in the process of leaving an engagement when we met so I think it already created trust issues on his part. However, there has been back and fourth trust issues between us.
Addiction- he has a porn addiction and won’t get help. I noticed it in the beginning of our relationship but I thought it was no big deal and brushed it off. Now it has become a significant problem and he won’t seek help. Recently because of this, we have dead bedroom, and if we do have sex, it’s for him and I don’t get really anything out of it.
Financially- he has no savings at all. Not before we got together, not now. He lies about his finances to me. I know sometimes it’s hard to save money, but he doesn’t even care to. Also he has taken out personal loans for a gaming pc and maxed out his credit cards. We got our first apartment together then lost it. Because he was medically out of work (which I’m not mad or blaming him for at all) and he didn’t have savings to cover his half. I could have but chose not to because I had paid for the whole security deposit and half the rent moving in. It just wasn’t fair. It’s so hard to see where our future will go.
Love language- I feel like we have almost the same love language but we don’t know how to love each other the way we both need.
I feel like he’s my best friend, the one I can’t wait to tell about my day or the one I lean on when I’m having anxiety. I love him but I don’t know where to go from here.. if it’s worth even saving anymore. I’m mentally checked out. I don’t have the energy and I’m tired of repeating myself or feel like I need to remind him to do simple things. I’m just so tired..
TLDR: is the relationship even worth being In if we have so many issues? The same issues of years with no resolution..

In all my years, I noticed a pattern in my relationships.
You see, I was a huge womanizer back in highschool and college. I was that nerdy kid who is into gaming, cosplaying and modeling, got my heart violently rejected by a woman and cheated on me with another guy. Back then, I SNAPPED really hard like a twig. THEN I started following the trends of the greatest womanizers and seducers in history. Why? Because I was on a revenge scheme. A Crusade against women. Needless to say I broke a LOT of hearts, I got slapped by a number of women, but in the end, I didn't care. In the end, I enjoyed seeing women cry, I enjoyed seeing them write in agony as I played with their hearts, toyed with their feelings, and left them for dead. But the thing is, I couldn't bring myself to CHEAT on any of them, I just simply broke up with them out of nowhere, saying that I fell for someone else and therefore, I need to break-up with them. I had sex with them, and after I got what I want, I leave them and search for another. I was like a beast, a predator always in search of his next prey. I admit it felt REALLY good at that time. To put it simply, relationships was just like a game to me. And so long as I win the game, I'm satisfied.
Now that I'm in my early 30's however, I've grown tired of womanizing and I decided to take my relationships seriously. But the thing is, women in my age group tend to be well put-together. They have stable careers and great social lives, their lives are amazing and definitely for the keeps. But I couldn't bring myself to be with them, and I know that if ever I date them, I'll end up just leaving them. I tend to have a preference for women who are younger, innocent or just overall inferior. For example, I have a woman in my age group of whom I found very attractive, and I easily seduced her and slept with her, but the thing is, she's a SINGLE MOTHER. So I realized that women in my age group isn't the problem, it's the fact that I don't like being with women who are my EQUAL. And I don't know the reason WHY.
Could it be because I feel UNWORTHY of being with accomplished women? The so-called Girl-bosses? Later, I noticed a pattern - All of the women I've been in relationships with or slept with are either lonely, insecure, crazy, inexperienced and just overall not mentally well-put together. Basically, women who are BELOW me in sheer scale of magnitude. And almost all of them are far YOUNGER than me (women ages 19-25) or either SINGLE MOTHERS or Divorced Widows. I'm a guy who has a stable job, completely independent, don't have any loans, own my own vehicles, pay for my own apartment, have a healthy social life, loving parents, don't have a kid yet, and I was NOT married to any woman yet, etc. And yet, I still feel inadequate when it comes to beautiful single women who have healthy lives and stable careers.
This is a problem, and I don't know how to fix it. I hope anyone of you gentlemen out there can give me some advices. How do you deal with this problem? Thanks!

First off, I know it isn't Friday. This post is about my relationship with myself, not with sex, and not with my wife.
I originally titled this post, "My Wife Wants to Rush Having a Baby." But after writing a bit, I realized most of the pressure I feel is self-inflicted.
We've been married for three years and have a fantastic marriage. We are very happy together. We both want to have a baby, but our timelines differ. I want to wait until we are financially stable, which, for me, means following the 50/30/20 rule without changing our lifestyle. I’ve worked hard and made good money through sales while in college, but once we graduate, we’ll have to deal with student loans. It will also be around the time I turn 26 and need my own health insurance.
My wife isn't demanding that we have a baby right now, but she often, naively, thinks it will be affordable in six months. Ideally, that would be amazing. I would love that. But realistically, it will be about two years, especially considering our other goals. We need to finish fixing up the duplex we live in and rent out, and we want to go to Europe before having a baby. When we have these conversations, my wife is always willing to adjust her timeline. Honestly, I think she doesn't know enough about finances to judge the future properly, hence she brings it up again within a few months.
I've realized that a lot of this pressure comes from myself. I'm big on personal development. I used to have severe depression and anxiety, but through sheer grit, I've mostly overcome it. Here is my formula: embark on goals - fulfillment. With that context, my wife struggles with depression. Her biggest dream in life is to be a mom, and I really want to help her with that goal. She also struggles to have other goals, which adds to the pressure I feel to help her be happy.
Another significant part of the pressure comes from religious expectations. Growing up, I often heard stories from LDS church leaders about having faith to start a family even when they were broke and newly married, and how things always worked out. The message is clear: starting families is important and shouldn't be delayed. On top of that, there's social pressure at my college (BYU), where many people get married and have kids while still in school and manage to live normal lives. However, I feel this approach is risky. Some people end up stuck in jobs they hate and take years longer to graduate.
Ultimately, I feel like the source of pressure is myself. Nobody in my church will condemn me for waiting, and none of my friends will shame me. I just don't want to worship money. Having a greedy grandpa and stepmom indirectly led to my dad's suicide, and I've seen the consequences of making money your god. If we had a baby now, it would probably work out. But would it be better if I made more money first? I'm inclined to think so, although I'm not sure. I want to avoid making everything about money while still acknowledging its importance. The economic challenges suggest it would be prudent to wait, and not stressing about money would benefit raising a family. But is that a greedy idea?
So what I am asking from you guys is this: 1. How can I deal with this pressure to have a baby?

1. What advice do you have for handling religious and social pressures about starting a family?
   
2. How can I balance my desire for financial stability with my wife's dream of becoming a mom?
   

I've been perusing these cheating subreddit groups for months now and have been wanting to write this on Reddit since this has happened to me but I don't know how to make this into something shorter than a novel. But here's my story.
Edit I just want to say I am definitely not interested in maintaining any kind of relationship other than co-parenting,*
I'm in my 40s, my common law husband is early 50s. We are fit, and take good physical care of ourselves. We've been together for 9 years and have lived in many different countries around the world. We met in a foreign country where we lived as well. 2 years ago we had an unplanned child that has changed everything as they do. (We both love our toddler very much)
Soon, I realized that hubby wasn't responsible enough with money, to be able to provide for us where we weren't living check to check. And yes he makes more than enough. There were some times where we might have needed to cut some spending down for a slow month, but it's only me who made those sacrifices. As a full-time stay-at-home mom, I soon would start to feel like a fool having to ask for every dollar and having to explain where it all went. Sometimes he was happy to give me the money to get the basic needs for me and his daughter, but most times he would make a cruel joke thinking it was funny. In fact a friend recently commented on it and asked if he was always like this? I said "wow I didn't think anyone noticed, I thought it was just me!" so it did validate my feelings. I'm a very frugal person I don't buy anything for myself, everything is just food and gas. (Albeit expensive)
In 2020, I had saved up some cash from my bartending job and I made the decision to invest in nearly a whole Bitcoin for our child's future. I begged him not to touch it. But every time he brought it up to someone, he bragged about trading it. He was the only one with the access to it. He promised me repeatedly that he wouldn't touch or trade that money. And within less than a year all of it was gone. If my almost Bitcoin hadn't been "traded" by him, well you do the math.
So, I found myself raising two children. Not good for the sex life, not good for anything. don't want to say I didn't have a share in the disintegration of our relationship, because obviously that's 50/50, but I began to hate and resent him. He lied to me several times about the smallest stupidest stuff. Including that money and well, if he can lie so easily about that stuff what else?
As time went on I would get more and more angry with the dynamics of our life taking out my anger on him and vice versa. Not a good look. I soon went from this happy and free go lucky girl, to an angry negative person. But not once throughout this all, did I ever feel he stepped out, He always made me feel loved and desired. I never would cheat on him or even entertain it.
This year has been particularly rough as we currently live in a country where drugs are cheap, really good and easy to get. He didn't come home for a few days over New years and explained it like "what!? I just want to party?" Like it was ridiculous that I would even ask him where he was, or how perfectly normal to leave your wife and child and go party for a few nights and not come home. I would have left at this point, but I was financially dependent on this human in a foreign country (which I'm a resident of). We have a kid and sometimes you just beat a dead horse and try and work on stuff you know?
One night during one of the weddings I was at while out of town, he went AWOL. I didn't think anything of it because I thought he was jealous that I was at the wedding of our friends... But no that wasn't the case. Turns out he met a new girl at his job that night and was funking her a few hours later, in my car in the parking lot, All while my good friend was babysitting our child. (She apparently didn't know anything, but I don't believe her)
Fast forward a week later, still on my trip, and hubby sends me a nude for the first time... ever!! When I asked him about it, he immediately unsent it and said oh I'm embarrassed. I then asked him who the lucky girl was, (jokingly!!?) not knowing that he actually did take it for someone else.
I flew home a few days later. We had our usual fight, on the way home. During this argument, we broke up like we ALWAYS do. We arrived home and continued living life like we did before I left, in our house together. We cooked meals together and had sex once without protection. It was the same like every other day. He kept hugging me, being affectionate every day. Does this sound like we're broken up to you? Sure didn't to me.
During this time he also told me about this house sitting job he was offered from his married "clients" and it came with a car. I thought this is really strange because who loans their house and car to people they hardly know?
A few days later, my friend asked me how I was doing with the breakup! I'm like what? Breakup? What? This was how I found out we actually broke up! The kicker was the response from my husband. I messaged him and said we're broken up?? He kind of laughed and said how could you not know? Like in complete disbelief! Like I would continue to sleep with him if I knew we were broke up? Hardly! And stay and cook in my house? Hell no. He completely took advantage of me, used me and disrespected me. Trying to have the best of both worlds. Just utter disgust.
So at this point he started exclusively sleeping at this house sit and had been driving around this car for a few days. I just knew that something was off about this house and the car but I couldn't find any more information.
I'm out for coffee with the same friend who asked me about the breakup, and she asks if my husband was leaving the next day to go to work? I said no, it was next week. She said oh that's not what he said. The next day my husband told me he was leaving the following morning to go work out of town 2 hours from here. And that it was an emergency that he had to be there the next day.
This wasn't unusual because he worked there before, but the timing was a bit off. For him to need to go right away, bad how he kept saying he needed "space" which he just had 4 weeks of, as I was away. I'm like what about"the cake? the little party we had planned" ? He said no I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. I thought that was really strange because he loves to be admired and to be the center of attention. I also told him giving me 12 hours notice before leaving town for a week was disrespectful and he needed to be more conscious of my time.
He literally almost left without giving us any money to live for the week. My car was empty of gas and we needed groceries. He made me beg and cry for 60 dollars which would have only filled up my tank. It wasn't until I threatened to go into town and ask to borrow money from his friends, that he whipped around and graciously gave me another $40. ( I do want to add I live in one of the most expensive countries in the world, but it wasn't like this when I moved here 5 years ago).
$100 does not go far filling up a car with gas and groceries for the week for two. Never mind if there was an emergency. So I budgeted my $100 put $10 in the car didn't drive anywhere I didn't have to for the week, got the bare minimum for groceries and saved the rest in case there was an emergency.
After he left that night, I found out, rather luckily and accidentally, that he's not actually in the town where he says he's working, but in the big city where the airport is. When I ask him where he is, he doesn't answer me till the next day and replies with 'in bed' which in all actuality was true. But he was really in bed with his new girlfriend, who had just flown back in to see him for the week. (She lives in a different country and owns the house here where hubby is staying at) This girl is also married with three children and two different baby daddies. But I have no ill will towards her, she only believes what my convincing husband told her. So he keeps up his little facade to me, pretending he's working when he's just wining and dining with her, eating out, staying at air bnbs. Meanwhile I had to beg for $100?!
He pretends that the place he's staying at has terrible Wi-Fi and he can't video call (uh huh). We've never not video called no matter how shitty it's been, especially now that we have a kid.
After a week of limited communication probably the least we've ever had, he suddenly decides to come home, at night which was strange. (Turns out he dropped his new girlfriend off at the airport and drove home)
Next evening he spends at my (our) house. Meanwhile I still don't know anything other than that we are broken up. I went to bed early that night, and woke up before midnight for a bathroom break. I went to see if he was in the bedroom with the child and there he was sleeping. Then I noticed his phone sitting there. Just staring at me. The voice said look at me. I tried several times to tell the voice to shut up, because why wouldn't I believe everything hubbys telling me? But the voice kept insisting. So I grabbed the phone. (I do want to say that this is the first time in our entire relationship that I felt inclined to pick up his phone and actually snoop.) I got about 20 minutes into it before he woke up and realized that I had it.
The pictures and messages I found in those 20 minutes have completely altered my life. Not only was it his new "girlfriend", it was several women on the go and he was texting them the same exact messages just copying and pasting and on top of that he was sending them pictures of him with our kid, listening to them all tell them what a good daddy he was. He also admitted to sleeping with someone else before his new girlfriend too. I got to read all the dirty nasty messages they were exchanging for the past month, pictures included.
The thing is, I felt absolutely nothing seeing him kiss and hug another girl, which really made this a whole lot easier in that aspect of I don't have to worry about my feelings. I also found out he cheated on me quite early on in our relationship when it was really good, and I think that's probably what hurt the most.
After he busted me with his phone (wish I thought to change his passcode on him cause that would have really messed him up! ) He tried to get mad at me for having the audacity to go through it. Like I violated him or something LOL. Is that your defense? he just kept repeating over and over " but I didn't cheat" ! but I didn't cheat! Like dude I just read your phone. Come on.
The most satisfying part was emptying his drawer of clothes and throwing it at him like they do in the movies.
Now at my age I have to go in for an STD test.
Fast forward to now we haven't talked about a thing, he's hardly had any remorse at all and is only admitted to what I know. So every day I have to see or hear about him and it's not helping the healing process. His girlfriend's house is 5 minutes from our house and he comes and goes as he pleases to mine, completely ignoring my boundaries and disrespecting me. He is completely absolved himself from all responsibilities leaving me with the house and the dogs and everything that comes with taking care of that on top of being a full-time mom. I don't have money for daycare or babysitters either so I don't get a spare moment unless he has her. I'm trying to start working again but I'm finding a lot of obstacles and one of them is babysitting. I don't have a lot of friends here and everyone who lives here it's quite busy and has their own children or are working full time so friends and family taking my child is not an option. I don't really have support here. I don't actually have support in my home country either. The only support I have is probably in the country I was just in at, but seeing as I just came back from there, I don't have Any $$$ left .
I am staying here to allow him to try and be a good father. If I don't try, I will never be able to look my daughter in the eye and say I tried everything. But if history repeats itself as it already has started to do, he will not be a present father, nor will he be supporting us for very much longer.
The irony of this all is that he did the exact same thing to his ex-wife when we met. I'm inclined to believe that hubby and his ex wife weren't broken up when we met like he said.
I know there's been a lot of support for survivors of a$$hole$ here and I'm hoping some of you can share your experience and give me some advice. Especially with sharing the child.
I've literally spent two weeks trying to compose this thing and I hope I can get something from it. I'm having trouble co-parenting with him because I feel like I haven't had a moment to heal from this. I start work again in a few weeks, I'm just praying that this will give me the time the space and the money I need to get ahead.
As of right now he is still supporting us still paying for the house that we live in. The more I write this out, the more I realize what a shitty position I'm in. He does the shitty thing and breaks up our family but gets to go out and be irrresponsible until he feels like he wants to be a parent and sees his kid. Meanwhile I'm being the responsible adult and raising her right, I'm doing all the things and then when Daddy swoops in he's the hero.
One more shitty thing. One of our closest mutual friends here in this foreign country, died a few days ago and we have been thrust into this weird place because of this . it's been really awkward and hard because we're all grieving together.

Hello all, My fiancé (F28) and me (M28) are together for 5 years. We have known each other for 10 years. Our wedding is planned in September and we have a lot arranged already (location, clothes, rings, catering, flowers,…) We bought a house together near her home town (suburb near a big city) and are renovating it. Until a while ago I had a very good paying job. It seems like I have everything I would want but I’m not happy. I tried changing jobs to something more fun but I don’t feel it. I just sit in the car to the big city hours a day. I’m starting to get doubts about my relationship but I’m afraid I’m just too deep in it. The wedding coming up, all our money in the house and a loan, … I just to have a good vibe with my fiancé but now we’re just living together. Barely any dates, sex, fun stuff. It seems like we are suddenly so different and barely have matches.
I’m not very social and I’m feeling lonely here. I miss my home town, I miss biking to work (new town is not bike friendly, everything is far away). I miss my parents and old friends. The things I used to enjoy aren’t bringing me joy anymore. I feel like I’m locked in this life path and it is scaring me. I also tried joining some social activities since last year but this also doesn’t help. Brooding over it is making me close up more and more. I don’t dare to talk about it to my fiancé because I don’t want to hurt her. I tried talking to a professional but that wasn’t helpful.
Has anybody any tips or feedback?
Ps: sorry about the perhaps inconsistent and long post, it’s just so overwhelming

I am 51 and my wife is the same age.
We have never had a good sex life, but we have had a good life otherwise. Every so many years we sat down to talk about why she wasn't interested in sex but it never got better. Eventually, I just sort of stopped asking her about it. I wouldn't say I was resigned to celibacy, but every conversation we had about it was just painful for me to listen to and unproductive so I stopped wanting to have them. Not only did we stop having sex but we lost all intimacy. No hugs, no kisses, no cuddles, no compliments, no nothing. We haven't even shared a bedroom in a decade.
Also about 12 years ago my wife quit her job because she thought she was being asked to do unethical things at work and it was stressing her out. We could afford for her to not work but only barely. We had no savings and every emergency got put on credit cards until they were all maxed out. I always assumed that when she started working again in a few years (at most) we would claw out of debt, but when those maxed out we got a home equity loan as well and then spent all that money over time. This year we spent the last of it and now we are living paycheck to paycheck again. My paycheck. She is finally looking for a job now that the money is gone but it might be too little, too late in terms of her salary being able to dig us out of the hole we are in as she is not a career woman and won't stand to make much.
We sat down to have a heart to heart last weekend and I told her that I was upset about her quitting her job and never getting another one. That was never the agreement. She was supposed to be looking for work after taking a little time off. She made all kinds of excuses including COVID which is ridiculous because COVID started in 2020 and she hasn't worked since 2012. She said she was depressed and blamed me for it because she felt like she wasn't ever good enough for me. I told her I felt like she was unsupportive and unappreciative of the fact that she basically enjoyed an early retirement at my expense and mentioned our non-existent sex life which also died around the same time.
She got upset with me and told me that she had no idea that her not working was such a big issue and that I should have said something sooner. I told her I had asked her MANY times to get a job. She agreed, but said that she thought I was just giving her a hard time and didn't realize we were struggling financially. I mentioned the loans. She said that she just assumed I had it all under control. I don't think she is that ignorant.
Now... did I ever sit her down and tell her in so many words that she needed to get a job because we were spiraling into debt? No, but every time the house needed a major repair that wasn't performed (we have a leaking roof) or when my car stopped running and we had to share one (it is still sitting there not running) wasn't that a HINT that we were having financial problems? I asked her to get a job MANY times, often when those events occurred.
Same with sex. She says that she never realized sex was such a big deal and it is totally unfair to her for me to bring it up as a problem now. Leaving aside that we did talk about sex (lack thereof) at least every couple of years did I really need to sit her down and tell her that I expect at least SOME sex as part of a marriage? As in... maybe not a lot but more than ZERO?
At the end of the conversation she was really upset and said that she can't believe I have been unhappy with her this entire time, she was under the assumption that everything was going great and we were enjoying life together, and the fact that I have been resenting her this entire time hurts her immensely. She started to bring up the topic of getting a divorce because "I don't even recognize the man talking to me right now. You are suddenly so selfish. You kept silent all these years and led me to believe we were happy together, but underneath you were secretly angry with me and want to bring this up NOW?"
I don't want to divorce her, at least not yet. I want to work on the marriage. I do love her and she is now trying to help financially. I don't think we will ever have a sex life and I am not sure how I feel about that. It may be why I do want to ultimately divorce her, but I haven't figured that out yet. We haven't even begun to tackle that issue. She agreed to go to counseling with me but she's not excited about it.
However, I think she is being really unfair to me. Did I really need to tell her she needed to get a job more often? Did I really need to tell her more often that we needed to have at least some sex or intimacy? If I had, would it have REALLY made a difference? I don't think so. She is so upset that she has been blindsided but to me these things seem pretty obvious ignoring how often we did or did not discuss them. I don't think I need to spell these things out to a 51 year old married woman.

Hey there everyone… so I don’t really know what to do anymore. I am a 29 year old female and I am engaged to a 34 year old male. There were already many red flags when I met him but I still decided to pursue the relationship because I felt he had nobody in his life who really cared about him. In the beginning of our relationship he just seemed idk weird… he got upset one time early on in our relationship because I was talking a lot I guess while he was driving and he slammed on his brakes really hard to get me to be quiet and he started ranting to me how he didn’t like that I talked a lot especially while he was driving because it overwhelmed him. Fine I get that but he didn’t have to slam on his brakes. Then when he’d get upset he’d speed really really bad and run red lights. His mom didn’t like him so she kicked him out of her house and he ended up living with me and my parents. Which was terrible he was always in a bad mood constantly snapping at my mom and didn’t like that my dad didn’t want us in the same room sleeping together if we weren’t married. Which is fine it’s their house their rules but he was so angry over this. He had a county job but quit once we moved into my parents house. He got a job as a security guard not long after, but eventually quit that as well. We moved into a city deeper into the inland empire (Hemet) CA. But you see he had a chihuahua and I was supposed to get his ESA documents over to the apartment but I guess they never received them when I thought they did and he was SOOO angry. He yelled at me because the complex said if they don’t receive the document the chihuahua will not be allowed on the property. He started yelling and cussing at me calling me stupid. When we got home he SLAMMED the car door SOOO bad I’m shocked the window didn’t break. My mom even asked me what that loud bang noise was but I didn’t tell her the truth. He ended up telling me he was so upset that he didn’t want me moving in with him to the new apartment. Eventually he changed his mind. He gets upset at how friendly I am to my sister’s husbands.. which is strange. He’d get really jealous and say I don’t have to be that nice or talkative or overly happy to see them. Then it got to a point where I was upset I found him watching porn and it was a constant issue because he would never ever like for me to even look at a guy. I would constantly see in his history porn and it got to a point where I guess he got sick of me getting up upset over it he grabbed me by my neck and choked me, dragged me, slammed me to the ground. The choking became a constant problem but he stopped eventually. He always calls me a dumb bitch, stupid bitch, idiot, dumbass, and he always tell me to shut up. He yells really really bad to the point where my cats will run and hide. I ask him to please lower his voice but he won’t. Recently we took in a kitten from the dumpster and she ran away (we eventually got her back though) and he was yelling at me blaming my other female cat saying it was her fault because she didn’t come inside the apartment from the balcony fast enough. (The kitten ran out while the door was open and jumped off the balcony). It got to a point where I just could not find her anywhere so I put out a Facebook post asking if anyone sees her to text me. Well I got a scam text (silly me I was just panicking and overwhelmed and exhausted) so I responded with some google voice code. Immediately I realized what I had done and he started calling me stupid and yelling at me. I then started crying because I am always helping him and always figuring things out for him and for once I needed help. I needed help how to figure out how to fix this scam (which I ended up fixing it myself because he refused to help me) he told me he wouldn’t help me and that I got myself in this mess and I should figure it out. I said please I just this once need help. And he started like barrel rolling on the bed screaming “HELP HELP HELP HELP!” And he kicks me in my left breast with his foot and shoved me into my cats play pen so hard I broke the wooden stick in there and which also cause my breast to bruise and become sore for a few days. He also has had many many jobs. He had a landscaping job(quit that) dealership job selling cars ( quit that) security job (quit that) county job (quit that) another security job (quit that) Amazon job (quit that) another security job (quit that) state of California edd job wfh (quit that) Aetna job wfh (quit that in a couple weeks) then went to drive for Uber (stopped doing that) didn’t work for 2 years. And I then found a wfh job that’s a call center. I’ve been trying to support us with that but it’s not enough and am in debt from all the loans I took out to pay for rent and other things. He recently in October 2023 got a security job again but now wants to leave that too. he tried working for target but never went through with that, tried working for Amazon again but never went through with that either. I don’t know what to do and now he’s blaming ME for moving us out here he said. He said all I care about is money because he wants to quit his job right now and he’s miserable and unhappy where he’s working and I was getting upset that he wants to quit. I don’t care about money but I care about keeping a roof over our head and food on the table and food for our cats. He said I’m forcing him to go to this job and I told him quit if you want I can try to find a second job and he got mad at that.He said ever since he met me his life has been miserable. I really really don’t know what I’m possibly doing that is making his life miserable other than trying to support him with whatever he wants and does. I know I should probably leave but I feel terrible knowing if I do he really will be so alone and have nobody and won’t have a chance at keeping a roof over his head. I also would like to mention I helped him travel up to Northern California (I helped book his tickets for metro and Amtrak because he didn’t know how) and walked him through the different routes he’d be taking so he knew when to get off and so on. He wanted to buy a used Honda Civic 1999 so I helped him do that because our Kia soul kept getting broken into. Fair enough. We sold it to carmax and I helped him get the Honda. Well he now doesn’t want the Honda anymore. Idk what to do at this point and nothing I feel makes him happy and I don’t think he even knows what he wants. He wants a high paying job right off the bat but idk if that will ever happen considering he constantly leaves his jobs every few months. 😞 I’m not perfect by any means I know that and our sex life is non existent. But would you have sex with a man constantly criticizing you and pointing out what you do wrong that annoys him? 😞 it’s a turn off and it hurts and it’s all he thinks about is sex sex sex. Maybe treat me better and I’d be more into it idk… idk what to do he says he doesn’t care if I leave but idk if he’s just saying that but he’s tried many times to throw my stuff outside and say he’d call the cops to get me out. Idk who says that to someone they supposedly love?
Sorry this was a lot 😪

I'm sure this is asked often but how did you know it was time? Obviously for roughly half of you or maybe more it was "when she told me" but what about those who left on their own accord?
My story: wife and I have been married 22 years, we have 2 children (17.9M and 14F). Son is a absolute terror and has caused an unbelievable amount of stress on our marriage over the last 7 years but the problems with him started well before that. He is violent and argumentative to my wife and I, demanding and entitled, and has absolutely no work ethic. He steals from us regularly, violates boundries and is just generally on the wrong path of life. He has failed 9th grade, got kicked out of a military boarding school his second time through 9th grade (and costing me nearly $30k in student loans), had to take summer school to make up credits in his second trip through 9th, 10th and 11th grades, and has now failed his senior year in spectacular fashion by never bringing home a grade on his report card higher than 40%. He has ADD, which he is medicated for, but this is 100% a willingness issue. He is intelligent, and usually passes his tests without having paid a single second of attention in class, turning in a single piece of homework or participating in class at all, but we all know that theres more to it than just testing. Daughter on the other hand is a nearly perfect child with no grades lower than a B in her life, and currently carries a 4.0 GPA and is in honors English. She follows rules and generally makes good decisions (at least no really bad ones). Roughly a year and a half ago I found out my wife had been sexting with her office's USPS carrier for a week and had met after work at a bar the night i found the pictures. It was literally friday to friday, there were no texts or calls betweenthe two of them prior to that in the call/text log. (Side note, really? The Mailman?! How much more cliché could that be?) I quickly noticed her behavior change when it came to her phone, very protective of it and carried it everywhere with her which obviously raised my suspicions. She has owned up to everything, she's made real and drastic changes in her life, she and I have both quit drinking which was obviously a huge problem once I was able to disconnect and look objectively at our relationship. She's broken all contact except the time that he is still coming in her office to deliver mail, which she has done everything to minimize contact during, except to drop off packages. I don't like the fact that he and her are still in the same room together 3-4 times a week but she can't quit her job and the tactics she's using to minimize contact are as good as it can get in the situation. I do also believe her when she says that she doesn't talk to him any more. We've been in marriage counseling, family therapy and my daughter and I have both been in individual therapy. Wife was in therapy until her employee assistance program counseling ran out. Our son was in therapy also but the therapist told us we should just stop bringing him because it was a waste of time and money because he refused to participate for over three months of weekly sessions. The therapist told us that he'd try to get our son to answer questions and most of the time he'd just give him the silent treatment, occasionally he'd get an "I guess" with no follow through. He does the same thing in family counseling so I don't doubt the first therapist at all. All in all though, things are better with everyone in the house except our son who is on his own agenda despite our best efforts. Things are pretty good at home now, our daughter is more engaged with us, and my wife and I are communicating better, and having the best sex of our lives. This experience has woken me up. I'm not taking the blame here, but I realize now that I was so wrapped up in my work and myself that I really didn't give her the respect and appreciation she deserved for everything she had done for us over the years, and to be completely honest I took her for granted. The problem for me is that she wasn't the first one to cheat. I did within the first two years of marriage when I was invited to a party with my friend, his wife, and her girlfriend. Most drunk men would have had an extraordinarily hard time saying no in that situation, and I was no different. She never found out but I have carried the remorse and regret every day from then on and have never strayed since, and committed to myself that I'd never put myself in that situation ever again. Go ahead and judge me for that, I deserve it.
Now all that said, I know that people can make mistakes. I know how alcohol can make you do stupid things that you wouldn't normally do, and I know first hand that there is such a thing as a reformed cheater, but I'm having difficulty getting over the hump and not letting it occupy a great deal of my brain space. I do still love her, everything she has done since d day has been exactly what she needed to do, to the point that I'm almost (ALMOST) feeling guilty for even considering divorce because let's face it, our life, even with everything that's happened is still pretty good, what I did was wa worse than what she did, and I'm not sure that leaving would make anything any better because the experience has left me very cynical and I don't know if I could ever truly and completely trust another woman with my heart again.
So what advice do you fellow redditors have for me? Should I stay and continue to hope my heart heals? Say screw it and start seriously considering divorce? Don't say fire one back at her and find a side chick of my own, it won't make me feel any better and it would certainly complicate any and all future (together or separate) with her and our kids.

Hello everyone.... I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to do. I'm attempting to keep my peace, but it's so hard. I'm sorry if this is the wrong place, I just think that you guys would be able to empathize.
A bit of background: I went away to college and basically never came back. College was a couple hours away, my first job was in AZ and then I moved to NH and now I'm back in my home state. I wanted to come back to be near family, especially since I felt so cut off from the rest of my family. My parents allowed myself and my husband to stay with them while we find a space to live. So we are currently at their house. As a child, I never felt loved by my parents. I got so bad mentally I asked to go to therapy and was laughed at basically. My sisters and I had to do keep the house clean and cook. It got worse for the remaining as each of us left. If I didn't do her laundry perfectly, I was purposely trying to make her look stupid. I know she's tall and I have to stretch her clothes and make sure they don't stay in the drier for long. If she gained weight and her clothes didn't fit, I was blamed. I had to have special care when I was born because of birth defects and I felt as though all the love and care that a mother had for me was used up when I was a baby and that's why she treated me that way.
My mother is probably one of the most negative people that I know. One of the most poor me, victim person ever. Now that I'm "home", I'm expected to clean the house and anticipate her needs like I did when I was a child. I'm expected to clean all the common spaces that we don't really use. I'm expected to do all the things that she would never do herself. Everything that she attempts to do, she quits. I helped her wash the floor because she can't do it herself. She quit. I finished. She can't even ask for anything nicely. It all sounds absolutely entitled. She screams and yells all the time. Everything is about her and what she wants and desires. My husband and I are confined to my old childhood room and the things we were able to take with us are in a musty ass basement and will probably all have to be thrown away. She gets mad if we stay at the house (and out of everyone's way in our room) and she gets mad if we are out for a day. She wants us to hang out with her and do all these little tasks for her. We clean up after ourselves. We clean up after our animals. I'll clean the kitchen after I use it. I'll wash all the towels. I will do things for the entire household. I'm not sure why I have to make her home spotless when she doesn't even do anything herself, for her own home. She'll say, it's your home too. Ma'am, you literally don't even want my shoes by the door. I can't have anything out anywhere else. She complains if I have something on the table. Hell, she was making an entire show that there is no room anywhere for anything in regards to the pantry area and the fridge. What did we do? We took the majority of our stuff and made space in the very limited space that we have to put our pantry things there. We bought a mini fridge to keep the majority of our refrigerated items in there.
My husband and I recently found a home that we fell in love with and put an offer in on it. We got it. We are just waiting for the loan portion. She was so incredibly cold and short with me while we were working a things out. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you do this or that? I should know these things because you live here? Why don't you look to live here here or here. You're just looking at something because he wants it. You can't keep anything clean, how can you keep that house clean? You should practice here and show me how you can clean. She can't be happy for us at all. And she'll say, I know it sucks for you guys but it sucks for us too. Like it's a competition. Like it sucks for her more because she offered to let us stay here. I cannot wait to get out.
She's also extremely unhinged. My little sister visited her long distance boyfriend and met his family and she goes into talking about how she's probably having sex with him at his parents house. Like how do you even think of that? Who actively thinks about other people doing that? And then one morning she and my little sister got into a fight about taking out cat litter in the morning. She goes and puts the cat litter in her bed. "She's lucky I put it in a box before I put it on her bed." What kind of person does this?
My husband was hospitalized and couldn't eat anything solid for over a week and couldn't eat or drink anything for days. She had to fast for a couple days and was hangry and goes DON'T YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME! I said no. My husband had it worse and he didn't complain. You having to go get this procedure done is literally your fault.
I also think she checks in on my bank account that I have at the bank she's at. She says she doesn't look, but I'm not sure as to with what she does that she'd ever be able to see my account. She's not on it. She's never been on it.
I go to therapy. I've been going to a therapist for well over a year now. I feel myself slipping back into being an angry teenager again and I just want to cry. I'm thinking I'm going to clean the floor so I don't have to hear her complaining and bitching anymore. I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for me.

Mới lụm trên mạng 1 tấm hình khêu gọi bớt coi phim sex ở Hanoi năm 1995. Hèn gì thế hệ sau quay tay ra bài quá trời!

Story time: I am an Arab-American artist & woman that is living in NYC (im 33). I was in touch with an art-journalist in Casablanca (a little younger than me, 29) for many years via instagram and a couple mutual friends (no, I did not see any red flags during this time otherwise I would have never gone). I was planning to visit casa with a few art connections in 2019-2020, but never happened because of covid.
Anyway, I just visited a month ago, and had an amazing time seeing the city through his eyes. I got along well with his family (a family of artists and thinkers), and his mom took me out to many outings including Rabat, the mosque, and the beach. I am not muslim, but I was born in a muslim household. He's muslim, but his family seemed very open-minded. They received me with open arms, and gave me so much care when I needed it most. We ended up having this really beautiful love affair...despite the language barrier, we were connecting on many levels.
There were a couple red flags along the way, nothing that concerned me at the time just because he was still treating me with *so* much care and kindness. He drank a lot even in the day time, a lot of cigarettes, and c0ke (I saw him do c0ke 3x with my own eyes, not sure how often he does it…). HE fell in love with ME (apparently) and I was in for the ride. He expressed his love verbally and with actions. He never asked me for anything, but it was obvious that I had more money than him (with my dollarsssss), and I didn't mind paying for his meals at all the restaurants we went to. Found out how broke he really was (at this particular time) after taking out a loan and buying his family's house where he lives with his widowed mother. I am not one to judge. In fact on my last day there I gave the rest of my dirhams to his mom (he told me multiple times not to and once I did he said he will pay me back) because on a trip with her in Rabat I realized her bank account was empty (she told me) when she tried to take money out of the ATM. A little detail to add. She bought my train tickets and museum tickets along with a small gift in Rabat. This is when we were on the way home that she checked her ATM.
I am reminded of another red flag: her own son (who shall remain nameless and hopefully never sees this) told me that he took some money from his mom, and I am sure he bought booze with it. Anyway, I gave the money directly to her, and I was happy to provide with this small gesture towards a woman that felt like my own mother.
So we are having so much fun during this trip...we got many VIP passes to events because of his journalism work, and tried to spend all his time with me. He lied to his boss at work about his mom being sick so that he could hang out with me (I didn't like that he had to do that, but it was cute to know he wanted to make my visit special by showing me everything. So yeah some red flags, but if you saw the way he was treating me...like princess treatment....constantly cared for....he seemed harmless. I honestly still feel that he might just have major drug issues and has poor mental health, which I witnessed through his impulsive behavior. Anyway, during this time he was expressing how he wanted a future with me. I am here for the adventure so I am open! We agreed to see each other in a couple months (when I visit again in August), and that he would wait for me (not have sex/be with other woman). Oh i forgot to mention, yes we had sex many times. Pretty sure his family knew as well. I am starting to piece everything together as our ending has left me perplexed....
SO i go back to the states and we are texting everyday or every other day. He has a crazy busy work schedule (especially after he skipped time to be with me), I get it, and we finally facetime. After that I am a little annoyed because he was not around as much...he would make plans to call me and never follow through. That might have happened three times. I expressed to him that it would not work on these terms, and that I wanted to build on our connection before my next visit. He was very receptive, and practically begged for a second chance. Nothing changed. Then randomly I woke up to a text that he cant be with me cos of his busy job and financial troubles. This is literally 2 days after we are having fun conversations about living in the same country. He even invited me to live with him in Morocco (trust me I wasn’t leaving my good life in NYC for him. I was just having fun thinking about it and about possibilities. He is wanting to eventually leave Morocco all together as he says it’s not for him. So my response to the text...I was shocked..I asked if we can video call because honestly I felt like I deserved an explanation. I was probing him for answers and even asked "is it another girl?" He didn't answer and I had to ask three times until he admitted that he was in love with another woman and they were going to get married....AND she was living with him. WOW! shocking considering all the beautiful memories we had together.....and mutually expressed (it felt genuine).
And now I do not know what to think....I was demanding answers, but now he will get my silence which will be powerful. I never heard about a wife when I was with him, and his family said nothing. An exchange with his brother the other day confirmed that he did not know about any wife so....this is sudden. Is this an attempt at him getting his life together? He has no money.
Also a little background info (thanks for reading if you got this far): his mom cried to me in the kitchen when we were talking about her son and his bad habits (drinking, drug$, unhealthy eating), and I have a feeling she might have pressured him to get married after I left? She clearly knows he's not on the right path with these behaviors. Fast forward to when I was in the states before our fall out, and he told me he had an argument with his mom and "broke everything" in the house. I asked him about that....broke everything? He sent a picture of broken glass and some broken things on the floor of his bedroom. Big red flag....but also what was the argument about? Thinking it had to do with his life's path and maybe she mentioned marriage.
He was obviously going through something. He was on a job in a different city and fainted from the lack of food, and when I found out I was so upset...apparently he had no money for food. He asked for some money around that time, but it made me uncomfortable so I said no. After the incident where he fainted I decided to send him a small loan (but really I was going to give it as a gift) not just for that incident, but I learned that his mom needed to see the doctor. For me $200 is not so much, and I sent it via western union. I felt weird about it, and cancelled it after thinking more about it (and thankfully I did).
I dont know...I am a bit curious and also just going to live my life and heal from this. It does sting my heart. All of our beautiful memories and laughter is forever tarnished. I came to casablanca as a Palestinian that has had a very difficult past 8 months as I see my ppl genocided. I cried to him about it. He held me. My time there was healing until now, and I just don't know... Since then (like 6 days since I received that shocking news from him via text) we exchanged some nasty words. I am angry and have every right to be. He is a liar. It is cowardly to end something in that way, and with no consideration of other people's heart. In the end his behaviour was harmful. Is it normal to marry so quickly?
I also want to be clear, I honestly didn't think he was after my money (or papers! apparently he has dual nationality inherited by his mother...) I mean towards the end I could tell he expected that I'd pay for everything cos he'd order whatever he wanted including loads of whiskey and once the bill came he had 0 dirhams! I don't like that. He even made comments about how my paying for things made him feel less of a man. He did host me for free at his house, and I was constantly fed the best food. It was all love. I do, however, find moments to be manipulative especially now when I look back on it. I didn't think I'd post this on reddit for the reddit world to see (hhhhhh, his identity might be obvious, shhhhhh), but feeling a little tender. Any clarity would be appreciated. i have a great therapist (who was my therapist already, mind you) and it was helpful to share with her. I value kindness, loyalty, and honesty in my relationships so this guy is not it! My life in NYC is very beautiful, and of course I did not plan to leave so quickly or rush into things, but when we were together I felt very open to figuring it out with him because I cared for him a lot.
I will add: I honestly think I intimidated him because I was calling him out on his shit at the end (being honest about his habits). I think he knew he didn't have a chance with me. That I was much more successful in my career and had a healthier lifestyle. I was asking for things he simply couldn't give me. I will also add for clarity: I told him I couldn't be with him unless he got his shit together. I only visited one time (2 weeks), and don't have plans to go back now that all of this surfaced. Currently there is no contact between us.
free Falastin!
thanks for reading.

After two years of a really toxic, abusive relationship, I’m ready to leave. I have not told any of my friends or family what I’ve been dealing with, mostly out of shame, so I am writing this post to get it off my chest. Ive made so many really dumb mistakes in this relationship that Im kind of scared of myself and filled with so much shame.
I first met my soon to be ex bf almost four years ago. We went on one date and then he kind of ghosted me for a while. He eventually reached out again and we became online friends for about two years. Any time we’d make plans to hang out in person, he’d always bail which just fueled my need to make him want to be with me even more. Toxic, I know. Out of the blue, he invited me to go on vacation with him. I was skeptical but agreed to go. We had a wonderful time. So much so, that he convinced me to move to this place with him and be his girlfriend. Side note: I’ve always wanted to try living in a different state, but never really found the right time or place to do it so when he presented this idea to me, I thought it was the perfect chance to try something new.
I sold my house and made a great profit, so I felt like even if things went bad, I had a safety net to leave. I think you can tell where this is going.
Within about a week of me moving to a new state to be with him, the abuse started. We were driving in the car and I made an innocent comment that he didn’t like and he LOST it. He screamed, called me names, threatened to abandon me on the side of the road and just verbally battered me. I’ve never been yelled at before so I was terrified and just sat there taking it, which I’m ashamed of. Why this wasn’t enough to make me leave is beyond me. From there, we have been fighting on and off our entire relationship. When things are good, they’re amazing but when they’re bad, it’s so abusive. He used to be physically violent, leaving bruises on my arms that would stay for weeks but he stopped that about six months ago. I took pictures but then felt guilty so I deleted them.
I am very conflict averse, so I’ve never fought with ex boyfriends before. This relationship has brought out a side of me that I’ve never seen before. I started losing it on him, calling him names and screaming at him when he finally make me upset enough to snap. I should have left the first summer I was here.
When we moved here, we both agreed that we would work. My job lets me work from anywhere so I just continued to work as always. He needed to take some tests to start working, but always had excuses for why he couldn’t take them. Then, he started making up drama with our landlord and instead of leaving, I let him talk me into buying a house. He couldnt qualify on his own so I took out a mortgage and stupidly put him on the title. That’s when the financial abuse started. He never found a job. In fact, he hasn’t worked a single day since we’ve been here and he hasn’t paid for a single bill or expense either. He convinced me to borrow him huge amounts of money and I went along with it. I came here with six figures in my bank account and I’ll be leaving with a few thousand. When I’ve tried breaking up with him, he’s threatened to bankrupt me as he’s on the title so he has to agree to let me sell the house. On top of that, the house is worth less than what I bought it for. I don’t even care at this point. I went from being a happy, smart, independent person to someone who never leaves the house on my own. He doesn’t work so he goes everywhere with me but has such anxiety and road rage when we leave the house, that I just don’t want to go anywhere anymore.
He has called me every name in the book, he’s told me I’m fat (I’m less than 150 pounds), disgusting, stupid, lazy, my family and friends would be better off without me, he’s threatened to kill our cats in front of me because they got litter on the floor and he stepped in it. A friend came to visit and he yelled at me in front of her several times. She ended her trip early because she couldn’t take it. He refuses to do anything on his own. If he needs paper towel to dry his hands, he’ll make me get up and grab it for him and then gets mad at me for complaining about it. He even makes me apologize to him for “being rude” when I complain. He’s told me he fantasizes about having sex with one of my friends and claims it’s just role playing/kinky. He took out a car loan (which I co-signed for so he could even qualify) and now refuses to make the first payment even though i know he has close to $200k in his bank account. He has medical anxiety so he needs constant reassurance that he’s not dying. It’s exhausting.
I think this will financially ruin me for a long time. I’m not sure that I’ll ever emotionally recover. My friends and family will never look at me the same. The hardest part for me is that i knew the entire time, that I didn’t deserve this and that I should leave. Why didn’t I? Why did I let it get to the point that I’m almost completely financially trapped? That’s the most shameful part.
I think it’s best that I leave the cats until I get out and get help but I’m scared he’ll hurt them to get back at me. I’ve debated telling his parents what’s happening but I’m unsure if it will help or make things worse.
It feels good to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts.

*Trigger warning
*This will be a long one…sorry just getting it all out
I (40 F) have been through hell the past 13 years. I married a man who I thought was the complete package but soon found out otherwise. I had no idea what I was walking into due to living in a state where he had no past. All I could go by was what he told me. We had a baby shortly after getting married and during that pregnancy (very high risk) I lost every single friend and my own family started turning against me. He and I met in the Military. Everyone who knew me just turned on me out of the blue I was finding evidence of cheating and that’s when the financial problems started and the mental and emotional abuse started. Once I started refusing to have sex in fear of STD’s he just took it. I accused him of rape and he said I was playing hard to get.
He started doing awful things to his wife before me. Taking her to court, stalking her by her house windows at night etc. this was encouraged by his family. He put her through hell using their son as a weapon. I had been told he was in the Marines during their marriage and had told a story that just didn’t make sense but it wasn’t until he was caught in a sexual misconduct case in the Army that I knew all the gaslighting he was doing was just as I thought. It was proven in the investigation that he had over 180 affairs with men and women, was posting sex add on Craigslist in uniform with parts hanging out in his office, spending all bill and food money at sex spa’s and much more. He was thrown out. We lost everything our cars and home. We moved in with my mom.
At this point he had gotten me pregnant again through force. We had nothing, my credit was gone and my support system. He never helped with the kids finding ways to be gone all the time and even through his oldest son back at his ex-wife to raise alone with no help or support claiming I had cancer to hide the Army investigation. I had taken a break in service for mental health. Everyone knew what he had done and the harassment and embarrassment was too much. But I decided to get back in to go active for the benefits so I could run. At my new unit I started making friends and he started accusing me of cheating because he got caught again. My mom finally saw the truth and threw him out. He was stalking in the windows, threatening to kill me and the kids, threatening suicide etc. because I filed for divorce. He had strange men following me and calling me to hook up. I tried to get a restraining order but had no help to understand anything and I was so scared that I was denied. I was so scared that I took him back. But only to get my plans in order.
He then up and joined his third branch of service. Oh yes, the National Guard, he lied his way in. With three months he was already caught doing something inappropriate to a junior enlisted female that’s when they found out the truth previous branches. Soon after I was picked up for Active duty and moved. At this point he had had so many jobs that he lost that I again had to find him one. The cheating started up again and after I was picked up for a Sate side MOB he claimed to be deploying overseas. Yet no proof or information. I just happened to be in a position that I knew every aspect of the deployment process and every unit deploying. When he started saying things in front of my Command they called him out on it, he then left the room to “make a phone call” after 5 minutes came back and said his unit took him off the deployment list. Yah, that’s not how that works. He had no idea my Command knew of his past and the abuse and was helping me to get situated so I could divorce him. They had seen the bruised and witnessed a great deal. We also found proof that he was never deploying but looking for an apartment in another state. Things hit the fan so bad shortly after that that he left the state we were in.
He had just taken off with his son from previous marriage to torture her and abandoned him with me. At this point I contacted her for the first time and she told me everything that happened during their marriage and it was so bad. I had no choice but to give my step-son who I loved and that I hated had been in such a position for so long to his Mom. But I knew he was safe and cared for with her. He threatened me and his family started threatening me to the point I had to change phone numbers. I returned back home from my MOB and hid my address. He found us and showed up pretending to love us all after the worsened abuse he should the kids, dos and I during the MOB. He never physically hurt the kids in front of me but I found awful marks from time to time. They never even acknowledged him. He was nothing and had serious separation anxiety when it came to me which was probably from seeing or hearing him hurt me. The dogs he always kept locked in a cage denying them water and going to the bathroom all day and night until the kids and I were home and it was potty, food then immediately back in cage. When he showed up to my new house he talked the kids into wanting him to stay in the guest room. He raped me that night. Yes I even have him on security camera stalking out side my bedroom while I was showering. I reported him and did a rape kit. I was finally granted a full stay away restraining order for 5 years. I was then transferred to another state.
He moved again and left us alone after divorce was final. My divorce lawyer decided it was his right to disclose my new address. He sent me a deranged absolutely insane 6 page letter and sent the kids a set of rules with a tracking device demanding my kids have it on them and charged at all times so he could track me knowing they were always with me. He was arrested and charged creating another restraining order in the new state. Then suddenly he has an expensive lawyer and is going after me for full custody when he had nothing. Come to find out he’s dating some rich female. This is when the court abuse starts. Mind you I’m just finally out of the financial debt he left me in. He now has gone off the Vegas to marry her and hid the wedding from everyone for several months. Just before their wedding he hacked all my accounts ( we never attached accounts or anything) but his calendars are on my google screams with him eloping and his tinder hook-ups. So already cheating on new wife, shocker! But the police can do nothing about him hacking me. I am completely locked out of my accounts and my phone shuts down cause I can’t update or do anything. I lost so much. Court battle starts, false allegations are filed none stop which I’m cleared of every single time but now I’m in bankruptcy due to lawyer fees.
It’s been none stop hell and threats. During all this I find out he lied about his career in the Marines. He was thrown out because he was trying to sleep with high school recruit. Oh and the whole time I was MOB’d he didn’t have an approved leave he was under investigation for sexual misconduct AGAIN!! This time several junior enlisted females during his annual training to the point they sent him home early. This is when they contact me and I inform them of his past in the Marines and Army. He was demoted from a Sergeant to and E1 and other than honorable discharge which burns me to this day. We also found videos of him recording my 19 year old pregnant Soldier in our home bathroom!! She stayed over during her drill weekends cause she was close with the kids and I, this caused a great deal of mental health issues for her because he got away with it.
Since this I have found out he molested my baby sister when she was 14 and my mom knew for two years now!! He sent my cousin at 16 very inappropriate messages that she had saved to send me. Had hidden cameras in our bedroom and in my mom’s house. He had women sleeping in my bed when I was away for work etc.
I am now fighting for my kids. I have sole custody of my daughter (11) because she ended up in the hospital after seeing her father by ambulance, she remembers everything and struggles around men. My oldest son (19 and not his) won’t date and stays close to home and struggles due to everything he went through. My youngest (8) is the only one with no memories but gets nightmares of a dark figure trying to hurt me. He is the one who talks to his father. I do not say anything about their father. My daughter talks about her memories but I do not add on. I do not encourage anything hate. My 8 yo is being manipulated and bribed by him. He was arrested again for violating the restraining order. No one but the witness, my lawyer and I knew but his new wife texted the court ordered cell phone and told my 8 yo he was arrested by me. Then he told him during a day visitation. (Went from 1 supervised phone call a week do day time visitation in my town only). They are now going after me for contempt of court and false allegations. Mind you he tried to have me arrested twice in front of the kids with false allegations (police proved it and my lawyer) and I refused to charge him cause I just wanted it all to end. I didn’t even witness this someone else did and reported it I just wrote that they contacted me and found what they were talking about on my security camera.
Now I have a very high bill from my lawyer I can’t pay. I’m barely making bills and I’m maxed out in loans and credit cards to pay the debts he’s causing. He stopped paying the $496 dollars in child support now there’s that case. My career in the military is amazing and I’m doing well. But the stress is causing health issue, my mental state is deteriorating and I can lose my secret clearance due to my debt which will end my career. My stress is so high. Though the kids and I are doing the best we have ever been just by being free we have a long ways to go and have been in counseling for awhile.
My family got their heads on straight finally and I have made amazing new friends. The old ones tried to apologize but a few of them were sleeping with him and setting me up for him so that’s where my problems from the beginning were from. I refused to let them back in my life. I have a great support system now but still struggle daily. I just don’t know how to stop the court attacks and get out of debt. I don’t want to lose my babies. They have been through so much and even the dogs are doing amazing finally and haven’t seen a cage since the day he left. My one dog is finally letting men around her more. Now I find out he has a Government job with law enforcement on a Active base, I’m freaking out scared of more victims!!!!!! I honestly just don’t know how much more I can take.
And this is just parts of everything he has done. His awful words still shoot through my head that I’m crazy and I’m the abuser etc.
AITA?

Hi all,
I'm a 30M guy living at home with my parents and much younger sibling. I lived away from home for most of the time between 18-29 years old, and moved home after graduating from dental school. I am employed as a dentist and I make very good money, but I live at home for a couple of reasons: 1) to save money so I can pay off my school loans a lot faster, and 2) to spend more time with my family, especially my younger sibling who needs a lot of support.
I have been avoiding dating since moving home. I don't see how I could have privacy other than always going to the other person's place, or maybe renting hotel/motel rooms or going camping or something. I also have not found a single good place to have car sex in my area, and believe me, I've looked. Parks all close at dark, there are cops all over, etc etc. It's definitely not worth it to try anymore because a public indecency charge could affect my dental license, anyway.
Is the only real solution to just get my own place? Does anyone in a similar situation have any tips for dating and finding privacy while living at home? Not just for sex, but also for general privacy. Is there somewhere you like to go? I wish something like Japanese-style love hotels existed in the US, but it seems that the closest thing we have here is seedy motels.

We're getting divorced. We met when she was 17, I was 21 and had an on-off relarionship (she didn't want to commit) up until 2006. when we started going steady till today. Married only recently (less than 2 years), and we have 2 kids, autistic 4yo and a 3mo together, and a recently bought house on a 25y loan.
After the birth of our first son, my wife became a different person and even though I was a VERY engaged parent, even stay at home dad for 2 years, she progressively gave me less and less love, affection, care, intimacy and sex.
We had sex 3 times on my initative in 5 years up until she threatened divorce (while 8m pregnant) and I said yes, but she folded and we had a month and a half long hysterical bonding phase with the best sex of my life even 2 times a day sometimes.
After the birth of the 2nd child, she came back to her normal non-affectionate self. She's a very gentle and good mother, but can't apply that gentleness towards me, as she pushed me and pushed me always further up until I broke down physically and mentally. This didn't bother her much, and I even ended up on ER due to severe panoc attack whete I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown due to exaustion from work, house and kid chores and feeling of loss of a trusted partner and anchor.
She confronted me today after I did the gray rock for a month or two (I was the one always apologizing in our relarionship, even though my concerns were legit and valid).
I told her I probably won't change because I need this emotional distance to save my ego and keep sane and not get hurt all the time by constant rejection. She didn't want to hear anything I had to say, as "she heard it all before" and copy/pasted my entire issues with her and projected them onto me: I'm not tying, I'm this and that.
I held my ground (mosty due to support by my close friend in a similar ungappy marriage, and a younger girl who I met recently - she likes me but nothing happened ever apart from some drinks and a coffee) and the decision is to get a divorce.
She's staying in the house, as I told her selling it would be idiotic and a complete loss (I gave my half in cash, and she took a 25y loan on her's). We'd get nothing back if we sold it today.
She wants me out of the house soon, very soon, and wants 100% custody and add her surname to the kids' family name. I also can't take my kids to summer vacation with me as she doesn't trust me yet, even though I spent 2 complete years with that kid alone and as stay at home dad. Vacationing together is rejected outright.
I told her I'm not holding any grudges and I'm not angry or resentful but she is and told me I ruined her life.
A little background, when we met she was failing her college and after we started dating she changed college, moved into my parent's flat for 8 years, was the best student of the generation, got a job, got a driver's licence, a better job, stopped smoking, drinking, doing pot, became a mom. I took her 18 times for a month long vacations, catered to her every wish and whim. Never denied her myself, my time, my love or my money.
I lost all of my friends, didn't go out for 15 years, had nobody to talk to but her, I don't smoke, drink, gamble, cheat, abuse her or the kids, if I'm not at work (I make 1.5-2x her salary), I'm with the kids, I do house chores, house and yard work. When they go to sleep I used to steal time from my sleep to read or play some computer games. I never hit her and in 20 years maybe insulted her 2-3 times in a heated argument for which I apologized.
Give me your thoughts.

(NLĐO) - Phim điện ảnh "Vầng trăng thơ ấu" kể về thời niên thiếu của Bác Hồ đã ra mắt các khách mời, báo giới tại TP HCM. Sau buổi ra mắt, nhà sản xuất gửi công văn xin phép chiếu rộng rãi và được kỳ vọng phục vụ khán giả trong tháng 6.

Tại buổi ra mắt, dàn diễn viên của phim: bé Phạm Hữu Đại đóng vai Nguyễn Sinh Cung, bé Lưu Văn An đóng vai Nguyễn Sinh Khiêm, Ngô Lệ Quyên vai bà Hoàng Thị Loan, diễn viên Bạch Công Khanh đóng vai Bác Hồ giai đoạn trưởng thành, với tên gọi Nguyễn Tất Thành và một số diễn viên khác, tụ hội.
Mẹ của bé Phạm Hữu Đại cho biết việc con mình được hóa thân thành Bác Hồ lúc nhỏ là vinh dự và niềm vui lớn. Khi biết được tin đoàn phim tìm diễn viên "nhí", chị đã đưa con đến thử vai và may mắn được chọn. Đồng hành cùng con suốt hơn 2 tháng quay phim, chị nghĩ đây là trải nghiệm đáng nhớ không chỉ với bé mà còn với cả chị.Diễn viên Ngô Lệ Quyên cũng đầy cảm xúc và tự hào khi hóa thân vào vai bà Hoàng Thị Loan - mẹ của Nguyễn Sinh Cung. Một người phụ nữ dịu dàng, chịu thương chịu khó, hết mực chăm lo, hy sinh cho chồng con.
Ông Nguyễn Tiến Hưng, Chủ tịch HĐQT Công ty cổ phần phim Giải Phóng - đơn vị sản xuất, thông tin rằng phim có kinh phí 20 tỉ đồng.
Theo ông, việc chọn làm phim giai đoạn thiếu niên của cuộc đời Bác Hồ không chỉ có giá trị về lịch sử, còn mang tính giáo dục, định hướng cho giới trẻ về lòng yêu nước.
Sau buổi chiếu ra mắt, Công ty cổ phần phim Giải Phóng có công văn gửi đến Bộ Văn hóa Thể thao và Du lịch xin phép phổ biến rộng rãi phim đến khán giả.
Đây là phim do nhà nước đặt hàng nên muốn ra rạp chiếu thu tiền vé phải có sự cho phép từ cơ quan quản lý. Ông kỳ vọng phim sẽ ra rạp trong tháng 6 này.
Phim "Vầng trăng thơ ấu" do NSƯT - đạo diễn Hồ Ngọc Xum thực hiện. Phim lấy bởi cảnh từ năm 1895 đến 1901 khi Bác Hồ (tên thời thơ ấu là Nguyễn Sinh Cung) cùng cha mẹ là ông Nguyễn Sinh Sắc, bà Hoàng Thị Loan và anh trai Nguyễn Sinh Khiêm vào Huế lần đầu tiên.
Trong giai đoạn hơn 5 năm sống ở kinh thành Huế, Nguyễn Sinh Cung thấy được nhiều điều mới lạ so với quê hương xứ Nghệ. Những người Pháp thống trị nghênh ngang, hách dịch và tàn ác. Những vị quan Nam triều bệ vệ trong những chiếc áo gấm, hài nhung, mũ cánh chuồn, nhưng khúm núm rụt rè trước nhà vua và trước cả người Pháp. Phần đông người lao động chịu chung số phận đau khổ và tủi nhục.
Những hình ảnh đó đã in sâu vào ký ức của Nguyễn Sinh Cung. Kịch bản "Vầng trăng thơ ấu" từng đạt giải ba Cuộc thi sáng tác kịch bản phim truyện điện ảnh năm 2020 do Cục Điện ảnh tổ chức. Ngoài việc bám sát lịch sử với phần cố vấn của các chuyên gia, phim cũng sẽ có những chi tiết hư cấu nhưng đều dựa trên những tư liệu truyền miệng.
Dàn diễn viên tham gia phim: Trần Việt Bắc, Ngô Lệ Quyên, Phạm Hữu Đại, Lưu Văn An, Bạch Công Khanh, Nguyễn Ngọc Kim Ngân, Ali Quang Khải, Bùi Nguyễn Hoàng Phúc, Nguyễn Hồ Nhật Minh, Trần Đức Tuấn Hùng...
Chờ ngày phim thời niên thiếu của Bác Hồ ra rạp! (nld.com.vn)
ai chê phim là phản động hết nhé

Hello again and here's a new part of my hydrogen-powered Balkan cyberpunk lore. You can find previous posts here, here and here. Now I decided to spend an article about one of the major corporations in my world, especially important to the story.
Astara Industries Corporation is one of the largest cosmetics companies in the world. Surprisingly, it originally has Middle Eastern origins and comes from a country that doesn't even have its own metallic hydrogen deposits. However, after World War II, an equally valuable resource was found there - human resources. Brilliant minds who entered the market with daring offers and began to rapidly build up wealth and power. Their actions changed the face of their home country, then the entire region and, finally, the world in general. You can tell a lot about a company of this scale - good and bad, truthful and unfair. But let's talk about everything in order.
Numerous enterprises of Astara are located all over the globe. From the Democratic African Republic to the Northern Canadian States, in the countries of the European Continental Alliance and the Pan-Asian Pact - especially in the United Korea. Of course, it also has a major branch in the city of Neone, a bright Balkan brilliant. This company owns cosmetic clinics and labs, beauty and barbershops, spas and resorts. They pay no less attention to entertainment - numerous bars and restaurants, cabarets and nightclubs also fill the coffers of Astara. This company invests a lot in their media image and sponsors fashion shows, numerous singers and models. Every year they put up a candidate for the traditional Gala hosted in Neone. The advertisement of their new body care line “Nothing to Hide” was scandalous even by this city's standards - but it's hard to find someone who hasn't seen it.
The architecture of Astara's enterprises actively uses Art Deco style with a slight touch of traditional Middle Eastern motifs. Recurring patterns include wings and lions and, of course, the eight-pointed star, the company's world-famous symbol. Astara's staff drive expensive cars, smoke expensive cigars and drink expensive wines, either created by the company itself or bought from others. Their clothes are always flawlessly stylish - after all, they dictate the new fashion trends themselves. Even the jumpsuit of the average janitor will be tailor-made and cost more than the clerk's business suit from some other companies. A key element of Astara's image is gold, and its love for it borders with fanaticism. Golden jewelry, strings in clothes and hair, implants and even stitches from surgeries are all part of Astara's usual image.
Yes, stitches from numerous plastic surgeries are common, and if some of them are clearly visible, it means that even more was hidden. However, trivial plastic surgery is just the tip of the iceberg, the first and most accessible pages in the company's service catalog. One of the important articles of Astara's income are numerous rejuvenation procedures. Their details are a guarded corporate secret and they often have side effects, but the results cannot be denied. Clients who are rich or influential enough get an opportunity to shed the weight of their years, improve their health and enjoy the hedonism with new energy. High-ranking Astara employees get even more. For example, one of their features is the ear modification, similar to fantasy elves - not just jewelry, but complex implants with multiple functions connected to the nervous system.
Yes, the company is capable of providing a range of body modifications, either biochemical or cybernetic. However, Astara is not invested in genetic enhancements, though it employs chimeras in positions where it can bring in more profit. The only question is the cost - for most people, cosmetics from this company, a visit to their spa, or a minor surgery are commonplace, but no more so. However, if there is a strong desire or dire need, options are available - from loans at Astara related banks to employment with this company. An experienced lawyer, such as a Hecate Guarantees associate, will explain that the terms of their contracts are absolutely bondage and hardly better than modern slavery.
In fact, the bodies of employees become the property of Astara until death and even after it - after all, there are no surplus organs to donate. Numerous enhancements aimed at external compliance with beauty standards are harmful to the body and frequently bring severe pain and a number of side effects. Of course, the company's doctors and pharmacists are always ready to help - for a proper price. They even have medications to cure side effects from their previous medications. If a new face cream causes muscle aches, itching, and autophagy attacks, and eventually the skin begins to peel away from it, exposing the muscles - the company is able to fix that. The new artificial skin will be better than the old one in every way, and the synthetic gland will help you to ignore the pain. No one is immune to mistakes, but it's all better when their consequences are covered by the terms of your insurance.
Astara regularly become the focus of all sorts of rumors and accusations, and every few months another independent journalistic investigation clings to them. On occasion, these incidents even end up in court, but usually exhausted before. The PR department works day and night to prove that all of this is just a slander by poor and weak individuals and organizations jealous of this company's success. Astara's biggest problem is the families of their former employees and the subjects of their clinics who are testing new products. Unfortunately, for a company of this size, all of this is nothing but dust, and only the other Players are able to provide any threat to them. Many smaller companies had already fallen to Astara, and now the most worthy of their employees flaunt in silks and gold. As for the less worthy, no one will ever hear anything about them again.
One of Astara's closely guarded secrets is their connection to the Grey Court Syndicate, the Europe's largest criminal network and one of the biggest in the world. So, the Grey Court's drug trade and Astara's pharma facilities are complementing each other perfectly. Medical services that leave no paper trail also provide a good favor to the syndicate. The company doesn't like to get its hands dirty, while the Grey Court will have the enforcers for any kind of mission. And finally, Astara is in constant need of human resources, while the syndicate are infamous for their part in human trafficking. The company's escort services are already in the gray area of law, but even they are not as profitable as the Grey Court's numerous sex workers. Some of them may have once been famous models and singers who had served their time or former employees of Astara's competitors. Now plastic surgery and drugs have mutilated the bodies and minds of these poor souls to the point of beyond recognition.
The company doesn't seek forceful solutions to their problems, favoring political and financial manipulation instead. Their own armed forces are small in number, but equipped with the best weapons and equipment money can buy. Astara doesn't like to consult military experts or train their agents. Instead, the company would rather install questionable and risky modifications into their bodies to increase their combat effectiveness. A familiar weapon of Astara's agents is biochemistry - complex compounds that can weaken enemies or even affect their minds. And of course, the company actively uses its influence to conduct secret negotiations with its competitors. Some of them subsequently got into accidents, such as those related to food poisoning. Others get caught up in scandals related to adultery or overly exotic sexual preferences. Finally, if none of this works, Astara can hire an independent PMC or turn to the Grey Court hired assassins.
Deep beneath the outer glamor, Astara is driven by fear. The heads of the company are very old - so old that some of them even remember the times of its foundation. Every year, Astara's CEOs invest more and more money in synthetic organs, biochemical compounds, and life-support machines. However, they want not just to survive - they want to regain their youth, active and complete life filled with pleasures. To rule the world, using all the money and power they have accumulated through the years. In panic fear of decrepitude, these people are going to more and more questionable and immoral moves - and, as it turns out, they produce real results. However, the answer to the question that worries them is hidden not in the future, but in the distant past. In recent years, the company has been actively working on its most risky and ambitious project. If it succeeds, it will bring beauty to this world and put an end to the long history of aging and death. Not for everyone, of course, but for the ones who were chosen. For the very few who know at least part of the big picture, this program is called the “Project I-DOLL”.
The ultimate goal of the project is the creation of a beautiful, indestructible machine, infinitely superior to any pathetic creature made of meat and bones. Many of Astara's developments in recent years were side-branches of this project, and the company even had to get over its arrogance and start actively cooperating with its former competitors. It is rumored that the source of this knowledge is the same one that provided the company with their incredible success in medicine and biochemistry earlier - some powerful and ancient benefactor. Even with the most money, Astara was unable to acquire the advanced AI developments to give intelligence to their Project I-DOLL. Fortunately, they have a stable source of organic components whose processing power surpasses any human-made neural processor. The monstrous resource investment and numerous ruined lives, according to the heads of the company, are all worth the result they crave. Astara believes that the machine they've created will make their twisted ideals a part of reality - but the machine itself may have a very different opinion.

Hello again and here's a new part of my hydrogen-powered Balkan cyberpunk lore. You can find previous posts here, here and here. Now I decided to spend an article about one of the major corporations in my world, especially important to the story.
Astara Industries Corporation is one of the largest cosmetics companies in the world. Surprisingly, it originally has Middle Eastern origins and comes from a country that doesn't even have its own metallic hydrogen deposits. However, after World War II, an equally valuable resource was found there - human resources. Brilliant minds who entered the market with daring offers and began to rapidly build up wealth and power. Their actions changed the face of their home country, then the entire region and, finally, the world in general. You can tell a lot about a company of this scale - good and bad, truthful and unfair. But let's talk about everything in order.
Numerous enterprises of Astara are located all over the globe. From the Democratic African Republic to the Northern Canadian States, in the countries of the European Continental Alliance and the Pan-Asian Pact - especially in the United Korea. Of course, it also has a major branch in the city of Neone, a bright Balkan brilliant. This company owns cosmetic clinics and labs, beauty and barbershops, spas and resorts. They pay no less attention to entertainment - numerous bars and restaurants, cabarets and nightclubs also fill the coffers of Astara. This company invests a lot in their media image and sponsors fashion shows, numerous singers and models. Every year they put up a candidate for the traditional Gala hosted in Neone. The advertisement of their new body care line “Nothing to Hide” was scandalous even by this city's standards - but it's hard to find someone who hasn't seen it.
The architecture of Astara's enterprises actively uses Art Deco style with a slight touch of traditional Middle Eastern motifs. Recurring patterns include wings and lions and, of course, the eight-pointed star, the company's world-famous symbol. Astara's staff drive expensive cars, smoke expensive cigars and drink expensive wines, either created by the company itself or bought from others. Their clothes are always flawlessly stylish - after all, they dictate the new fashion trends themselves. Even the jumpsuit of the average janitor will be tailor-made and cost more than the clerk's business suit from some other companies. A key element of Astara's image is gold, and its love for it borders with fanaticism. Golden jewelry, strings in clothes and hair, implants and even stitches from surgeries are all part of Astara's usual image.
Yes, stitches from numerous plastic surgeries are common, and if some of them are clearly visible, it means that even more was hidden. However, trivial plastic surgery is just the tip of the iceberg, the first and most accessible pages in the company's service catalog. One of the important articles of Astara's income are numerous rejuvenation procedures. Their details are a guarded corporate secret and they often have side effects, but the results cannot be denied. Clients who are rich or influential enough get an opportunity to shed the weight of their years, improve their health and enjoy the hedonism with new energy. High-ranking Astara employees get even more. For example, one of their features is the ear modification, similar to fantasy elves - not just jewelry, but complex implants with multiple functions connected to the nervous system.
Yes, the company is capable of providing a range of body modifications, either biochemical or cybernetic. However, Astara is not invested in genetic enhancements, though it employs chimeras in positions where it can bring in more profit. The only question is the cost - for most people, cosmetics from this company, a visit to their spa, or a minor surgery are commonplace, but no more so. However, if there is a strong desire or dire need, options are available - from loans at Astara related banks to employment with this company. An experienced lawyer, such as a Hecate Guarantees associate, will explain that the terms of their contracts are absolutely bondage and hardly better than modern slavery.
In fact, the bodies of employees become the property of Astara until death and even after it - after all, there are no surplus organs to donate. Numerous enhancements aimed at external compliance with beauty standards are harmful to the body and frequently bring severe pain and a number of side effects. Of course, the company's doctors and pharmacists are always ready to help - for a proper price. They even have medications to cure side effects from their previous medications. If a new face cream causes muscle aches, itching, and autophagy attacks, and eventually the skin begins to peel away from it, exposing the muscles - the company is able to fix that. The new artificial skin will be better than the old one in every way, and the synthetic gland will help you to ignore the pain. No one is immune to mistakes, but it's all better when their consequences are covered by the terms of your insurance.
Astara regularly become the focus of all sorts of rumors and accusations, and every few months another independent journalistic investigation clings to them. On occasion, these incidents even end up in court, but usually exhausted before. The PR department works day and night to prove that all of this is just a slander by poor and weak individuals and organizations jealous of this company's success. Astara's biggest problem is the families of their former employees and the subjects of their clinics who are testing new products. Unfortunately, for a company of this size, all of this is nothing but dust, and only the other Players are able to provide any threat to them. Many smaller companies had already fallen to Astara, and now the most worthy of their employees flaunt in silks and gold. As for the less worthy, no one will ever hear anything about them again.
One of Astara's closely guarded secrets is their connection to the Grey Court Syndicate, the Europe's largest criminal network and one of the biggest in the world. So, the Grey Court's drug trade and Astara's pharma facilities are complementing each other perfectly. Medical services that leave no paper trail also provide a good favor to the syndicate. The company doesn't like to get its hands dirty, while the Grey Court will have the enforcers for any kind of mission. And finally, Astara is in constant need of human resources, while the syndicate are infamous for their part in human trafficking. The company's escort services are already in the gray area of law, but even they are not as profitable as the Grey Court's numerous sex workers. Some of them may have once been famous models and singers who had served their time or former employees of Astara's competitors. Now plastic surgery and drugs have mutilated the bodies and minds of these poor souls to the point of beyond recognition.
The company doesn't seek forceful solutions to their problems, favoring political and financial manipulation instead. Their own armed forces are small in number, but equipped with the best weapons and equipment money can buy. Astara doesn't like to consult military experts or train their agents. Instead, the company would rather install questionable and risky modifications into their bodies to increase their combat effectiveness. A familiar weapon of Astara's agents is biochemistry - complex compounds that can weaken enemies or even affect their minds. And of course, the company actively uses its influence to conduct secret negotiations with its competitors. Some of them subsequently got into accidents, such as those related to food poisoning. Others get caught up in scandals related to adultery or overly exotic sexual preferences. Finally, if none of this works, Astara can hire an independent PMC or turn to the Grey Court hired assassins.
Deep beneath the outer glamor, Astara is driven by fear. The heads of the company are very old - so old that some of them even remember the times of its foundation. Every year, Astara's CEOs invest more and more money in synthetic organs, biochemical compounds, and life-support machines. However, they want not just to survive - they want to regain their youth, active and complete life filled with pleasures. To rule the world, using all the money and power they have accumulated through the years. In panic fear of decrepitude, these people are going to more and more questionable and immoral moves - and, as it turns out, they produce real results. However, the answer to the question that worries them is hidden not in the future, but in the distant past. In recent years, the company has been actively working on its most risky and ambitious project. If it succeeds, it will bring beauty to this world and put an end to the long history of aging and death. Not for everyone, of course, but for the ones who were chosen. For the very few who know at least part of the big picture, this program is called the “Project I-DOLL”.
The ultimate goal of the project is the creation of a beautiful, indestructible machine, infinitely superior to any pathetic creature made of meat and bones. Many of Astara's developments in recent years were side-branches of this project, and the company even had to get over its arrogance and start actively cooperating with its former competitors. It is rumored that the source of this knowledge is the same one that provided the company with their incredible success in medicine and biochemistry earlier - some powerful and ancient benefactor. Even with the most money, Astara was unable to acquire the advanced AI developments to give intelligence to their Project I-DOLL. Fortunately, they have a stable source of organic components whose processing power surpasses any human-made neural processor. The monstrous resource investment and numerous ruined lives, according to the heads of the company, are all worth the result they crave. Astara believes that the machine they've created will make their twisted ideals a part of reality - but the machine itself may have a very different opinion.

I originally posted this in the /marriage channel, but it was locked for review and it was suggested by a poster that this channel may be a better place to go. I aeditted slightly, and answered a few of the question/comments that came in before it was locked, so now it is REALLY long, likely over explained, but generally left it intact (but reordered to put clarifications at the end). Long story short, I need to put this into the word, to be told AH/NAH and for guidance on practical next steps to think about.
Original Post: My spouse and I have been married for a long time, almost 30 years. We married young, in our early to mid-20s and went on to have 3 kids, all now in their 20s. During Covid my spouse revealed to me that they are non-binary. And I am angry, so angry and resentful. Not because they are non-binary per se, but because I believe they lied to me, for decades. I'm sorry, nobody doesn't know that about themselves, at some level, for 50+ years. And it feels like the latest of a long line of "death by a thousand papercuts" indignities in this relationship.
Note, I am solidly heterosexual, and gender conforming. I have never been curious, interested or experimental in non-hetro sexuality or non-gender normative identity (beyond a single drunken same-sex kiss/peck on the lips in my 20s that raised nothing in me sexually). I had several prior (hetro)sexual relationships before my spouse; my spouse came into our relationship with very little prior sexual or even intimate relationship experience, but they were a fast learner and intuitive partner. My spouse and I have had our ups and downs sexually over our time together, but overall the relationship felt sexually compatible and while we had been going through a long-term dry spell, we were on a positive upswing in terms of communication, frequency and consensual experimentation with light roleplaying (the most vanilla of power play/exchange honestly, but it was mostly fun and adding a spark and was improving trust in the relationship). Then they presented me this non-binary gender pronouncement/reveal, out of the blue one night in mid-2021 after work, claiming they had some kind of epiphany and wanted to go on this journey of self-discovery.
Since then they have been going to therapy, have bought a new gender-affirming wardrobe, and seem increasingly content in their decision. They claim their sexual orientation is not changed and they are still attracted to me (whatev). I went to my own therapist for several months, and beyond being told how f¥cked up my childhood was (big surprise) I got very little support or insight into how to address my feelings about any of this, and I quit going. We have talked about couples counseling, but I have little interest in joining in on this new life journey. I told them if they found a neutral MC therapist, I would go but (surprise) they have not done anything to make that happen. I should cut bait, but I am honestly afraid to leave.
My spouse expects our life to be unaffected by any of this. But whatever respect and attraction I may have had for them is all but gone at this point, and I am waiting for something in myself to change, either that I forgive/accept this or get brave and leave. And they keep doing things that only incites my frustrations and erodes my trust. Things like: 1) wearing provocative clothing of their unearthed gender identify around the house and out and about in public sometimes, which honestly repulses me sexually to look at/sit next to on the couch; 2) secretly taking out a loan/spending our family resources on superficial body modification/laser hair removal processes, extensive clothing purchases nd other expenses; I found out the truth about expensive laser treatment on my own and confronted them. I suspected something was going on financially because there was never as much money in the checking account as there should have been, and I found a bill in the mail and confronted my spouse. They readily admitted it and claimed to feel ashamed and having done it on an impulse, but I don't believe it was that impulsive as they had been shaving for some time; 3) pushing on my sexual boundaries, knowing what I will or will not do/what I'm comfortable with/what turns me on, which I have very clearly outlined many times. This has been a long term issue with "give an inch, they take a mile" boundary pushing (despite what I said above about compatibility), and it has been exacerbated by all of this upheaval the past couple years. In short if I consent/accept/embrace one thing, 10 new things they want to try cascade behind it.
I know there are endless examples of how I feel "wronged" that I could point to, but it doesn't help to think super deeply about it. It just makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated and paralyzed by all of it, and I don't know what to think or do besides rage and cry and grieve. I have so much "sunk investment" in this relationship emotionally, financially and with my time, and it is just so stereotypically predictable that we finally have an empty nest, and are on the brink of dissolution in our 50s.
My spouse does not want to split up and I can't find a way to stay or to leave without giving up my financial security (that I earned and saved at great sacrifice, with little help from them, and their "I work for pennies because I looooove my job" bullshit). I expect that I would lose at least half of my assets to them in a divorce, as I am the primary breadwinner and we share almost all expenses jointly. They on the other hand will come into a small fortune when their parents pass on the next 10 or so years, and they will get an inheritance that I will have no legal claim to in my state pre- or post-divorce. I am not getting any younger, and I can't imagine being able to recoup those loses to my retirement and home equity were we to split. I don't really care that much about their parent's money, but I don't want to lose my money that I earned in a job I frequently hate but pays the bills and put kids through college. At the same time I also stand to lose my dignity, and yes, my pride/ego, whether I stay or go.
I don't know if I am looking for advice, or just need to vent into the ether. I have almost no one to talk to about this issue in real life, without airing my dirty laundry to the world, and looking and sounding like an asshole for not jumping onto the path to gender discovery and lifelong companionship with this person, and I feel very alone. Anyone else, and I would be at least neutral if not openly supportive. But I don't have to be sexually attracted to other people, or be in a long-term committed and respectful companionship relationship with them.
Thank you that you made it this far. I am indeed a real person who is probably an asshole, or a fool. Though I am not sure it makes much of a difference what I am, except miserable.
Next Day Clarifications: 1) Are they out- I think they are somewhere between ambivalent and openly outing themselves to those that they trust, at least to some degree. I'm not interested in shaming or outing them as a vendetta. That is only going to blow back in my face.
2a) suggestion that I should "getting a lover"/companion- I can't say I haven't considered it and that my spouse hasn't opined that as a solution of sorts for me. But let's be honest, that would require so much...work, and until I am separated only makes me look bad/unfaithful. I'd rather not have sex/take care of myself than have it known that i am out on the prowl. Where we live is not a hugely anonymous place. While our social circles do not naturally overlap in significant ways, we have long observed that we cannot go out in public together without seeing someone one or both of us knows. I am old, but I know/am known by a lot of people, mostly with my age bracket (10 years either direction). I have less than 0% sexual interest in people significantly younger or older than myself. And let's be honest, I haven't gone out with or slept with anyone other than my spouse in 33 years (whole different bag to unpack one day).
2b) Are they cheating/can they get themselves them a new freaky friend?- Honestly, I kind of wish/fantasize that they would. This an area where they have pushed my boundaries, making suggestions over the years of opening things up (mostly so they can watch me with someone else. Not my thing, sorry). Some ideas are fun to think about, but I am unlikely to ever want to act on most of the ideas; others are yuck for me. I'm not one to intentionally "yuck their yum", but most of it isn't my cup of tea. In short, no not cheating that I know of.
3) "just leave"/my fears about leaving-Financial instability is my greatest fear and trigger. I have complicated feelings about money and being raised in situational poverty. Spouse doesn't have that fear, because they have financially stable family to substantially fall back on. I do not. I love (most) of my family of origin, but generally speaking most don't have two extra nickels to rub together even as adults. And even if I did need financial support, I probably wouldn't ask the ones that could afford it, as 1) I would feel indebted to them and 2) I've watched almost every woman in my family be in this financial situation. Crashing down into poverty/instability, even short term, is not an option I take lightly.
4) it was financial infidelity- Yes, that REALLY has bothered me. I had not quite put those words to it exactly (denial more than anything), but the main solution offer (separating finances) has been at the forefront of my mind, even before I found out about the laser hair treatments. I fear that it could be argued that I have been doing something similar (though I would argue it is as a defense mechanism). I have been diverting my recent raise to a savings account and my retirement plan before it reaches me/our joint account. I use my saving account for travel and other personal expenses. My spouse doesn't know how much is in my retirement account, but I am making strong headway toward my retirement goal amount. If our finances were completely split I would have much better control on expenditures of the balance of my paycheck. In a fit of anger I have mentioned a hiring investigative accountant to figure out where all of our money goes, but I h aven't pursued that yet, as it can be expensive
5) find a divorce attorney-I suspect soon. Will look into my employer benefits to find one farther away from where I live. While I am not one, I know/am known by many local attorneys, and want to keep whatever I do on the down low. Less because I think my spouse would find out, and more for my personal and professional reputation. I'd like to avoid telling my boss until necessary.
My eyeball hurt and I need to sleep, so I will check back for insight and opinions on the morning. Thanks all 💕.

My partner and I have been arguing for coming up to 2 weeks now, the arguments started when I was on nights (prison officer), she’d had a shitty and stressful day at work (she works in a care home as activity coordinator) I asked her about it and she told me she needed 5 minutes, I gave her the space she needed. I asked her twice more before she got in the shower, she said she didn’t want to talk about it, I went and sorted tea (evening meal for those who don’t speak northern English) for us, as I was ready to dish up I went to tell her it was ready and asked again getting a good portion of the issues she was having at work. To summarise, it was an overly argumentative colleague challenging everything that she was doing and a manager who lacks basic people skills to correctly address a situation that could have resulted in something worse, the latter point I said she didn’t need to worry about as it was over and done with, however I did not address the primary issue. I left the bathroom and assumed this was sorted, my first mistake, as I plating up she came down stairs and asked if she was being stupid, I replied “I wouldn’t say stupid, daft maybe” in reference to her issue with her manager, however she was referring to the whole day, my autistic little brain didn’t compute that, my second mistake. She didn’t take kindly to that brutal and somewhat unnecessary honesty and stormed up to the bedroom, I finished plating up and went after her. She asked me if I was serious about her being daft I said yes and explained why. She then asked why I didn’t sit with her when she needed me, telling me this after the fact did not help me but it’s relevant to the next comment, I replied “I don’t have time”. Those words have echoed in her head for 10 going into 11 days… strike 3, I should be out. But nope I have to make it worse, this argument continued and I further dug myself into a hole, I had the time, I don’t know why I didn’t give her the time, I’ve owned up to this and told her if she’d have asked me to sit with her I would have. But she shouldn’t have had to ask me I should have known. The argument ceased because I had to go to work. The day after there was a lull, an after argument calm, where both parties don’t want to say anything but also want to say everything. The day after that another argument erupted over porn, now we’d previously had a discussion about it and she has set her boundaries at the fact she does not like and she would not like me to use it. Personally I have no issue with that as our sex life is pretty good, I removed all of the pornagraphic material from my phone or I thought I had, on my twitter I followed 2 individuals who post videos and pictures of a NSFW nature, I use twitter to follow the rugby, political stuff, football and Fesshole (if you haven’t had a look I recommend it, brilliant reads) I hadn’t seen a post from the 2 individuals since probably March maybe even longer, I don’t know whether that was due to an algorithm or they hadn’t posted. However on this particular day they happened to have posted whilst she was browsing my phone (which I have no issue with, nothing to hide) she told me I had crossed a boundary and lied to her which I had, she set the boundary and I crossed it, unknowingly but I had done. Life 4 gone. This argument was a bit more heated and obviously was a lot harder for her as it is a betrayal of her trust. The next day after that argument was a continuation of the 2 previous ones about lying and not having time not making her feel heard or respected, the thing is she is right. I didnt make her feel heard and I disrespected her by pushing her boundaries past what is fair or reasonable.
That took us to my rest week, Monday, no argument, Tuesday argument about being lied to again (can you see a theme?), Wednesday fresh argument about my finances, I have 3 loans out which I didn’t tell her about for fear of judgement, she is not a judgemental person and me hiding them was unfair on her as she was honest about her finances with me, I owed her the same courtesy, and yet I didn’t show her the respect she deserved and tell her about it, life 5. Thursday no argument, Friday argument about not being listened to, lied to and betrayed, we visited a local museum and we had a good day to a degree after the morning argument. On Saturday evening we argued again about why I have lied, and if we should be together. We both still love each other, care about each other and want nothing but the best for each other, so we said we’ll keep trying and seeing how we get on. Sunday we visit another attraction and have a really good day despite it being a little subdued.
That leads us to Monday, I’m at work for 12 hours, same again Tuesday, both really good days for us. Wednesday (today) I’m at work for 10 hours, come home and she sees a message notification on my phone from somebody she despises (past romantic entanglement, PRE) asking to cover a shift, I said no and then deleted the messages but not the notifications, my partner said that she does not appreciate that I hid this from her and I should have told her about the PRE’s message. Additionally we have had a discussion about this person as they continued to send me snapchats despite me telling her not to, which resulted in me blocking her. I don’t disagree with my partner I should have told her.
How can we stop arguing when all we want is each other. What can we do to work past this, any advice would be greatly received.
Thank you