Basically I've been making mistakes for a while, causing accidents and things. Not bad ones, but enough. I work on a car park with trolleys so naturally all of my colleagues have had plenty of accidents themselves.
But I have had 2 disciplinaries now. At the first one I couldn't declare I had ADHD because I only formally got diagnosed 2 weeks ago...after causing problems at work with my short-term memory issues and poor attention...
My supervisor and I both contacted HR as soon as I had my diagnosis, but when I brought up my recent diagnosis in my 2nd disciplinary yesterday they could find no record on their system.
So I'm stuck now.
I have also been trying to get time off work for depression (not diagnosed) and work-related stress, just to get ny head right. And I can say with almost complete certainty, these incidents wouldn't have happened if I had time off (small mistakes would, and always have happened around me, but my colleagues understand my behaviour now).
This is in the UK by the way. I've only worked there 11 months, I paid private for a diagnosis. This has cost me a lot.
Do I have any leg to stand on at all? I want to appeal if possible. I feel the way they handled it, they're skirting a very fine line with the law and how it relates to mental illness.

Hello, I wanted to post here to just see what everyone here thinks.
I was diagnosed with "mild Aspergers" when I was around 10 years old. I never fully felt like I completely agreed on that though, and i'm not really sure what I have.
I've always been good at keeping eye contact and picking up on social cues and sarcasm. I know alot of people on the spectrum struggle with that and it's never really been an issue for me. The first time someone mentioned anything to my parents was when I was really young, I was stemming I guess and my aunt mentioned to my parents that it was something alot of people on the spectrum do. I've always stemmed my whole life, for me it's just me flapping my hands and pacing around my room or the house. As i've gotten older, I tend to do it less and less. I was almost always coming up with movie ideas or watching movies in my head while doing it. There were times I would get very excited and start doing it too, but that's alot less common these days.
Another thing is I have very intense special interests, for me right now it's movies and UFOs. It's all I care about and all I want to do. The first interest I had was Thomas, (which is oddly a common thing? lol) that then changed to transformers for around 5-7 years and then onto movies. I suck up information on what i'm interested in and when I get really interested I find it very hard to do things I need to do and talk to my friends about anything else.
Side note, One of the things I can do really well is tell you what day of the week it was if you give me the month day and year from anytime past 2010, it's just from finding a movie that came out around then and going backwards.
I also have had alot of trouble regulating my emotions trough out my life but it's something i've definitely gotten better at.
I guess my point in making this post is that, I feel like I may have been misdiagnosed? To me it seems like I might just have severe ADD. I don't think I quite fit into the mild autism diagnosis. It might also be that i'm a bit embarrassed of it? And what I mean by that is since it's so mild, when I tell anyone about it I feel like i'm one of those people who go around self-diagnosing themselves as autistic. Which is a very common thing to see these days. I guess I just wanted to know what y'all think,

This is the most plausible answer. I think this is exactly how he did it using facts from sermons, emails, texts, news, interviews, maps, and extensive experience with parasitic Narcissistic sitic abuse. If there is anything that I am incorrect on please let me know and I will recalculate. After typing this up two days ago, I stumbled upon Mica’s father‘s interview, and it completely solidified it to the point where I started violently shaking. I think this is what happened.
I was told Winslow‘s property backs up against that state forest. 200 acres. Right down the road. Now remember. Somebody on his staff was told to go and trim back the overgrowth on that specific property shortly before all of this happened,
I think Mica at some point had conversation with Winslow and agreed to come and talk to him at his property, a “safe place JP wouldn’t know.”, thinking she could trust him. I think mica went to winslows and JP was waiting there for unknowingly.
I think Winslow has JP‘s phone and I think JP has Winslow‘s phone so they’re not gonna ping the towers. All they saw was the license plate they never verified He was actually there.
I think JP and Winslow met at a undisclosed location and swapped vehicles. JP went up to Winslow’s NC property with Winslow‘s vehicle and cell phone, and Winslow went down south with JP cell phone and truck. I can’t quite place the girlfriend, but she is an alibi therefore she is aware that something has happened or is going on. I cannot figure out whether or not Winslow was with JP and she took the vehicle down south either or we need to find out the location of where the girlfriend was and where Winslow was. That could all be found by bank financial records of the days in question. Nobody uses cash in 2024 for an entire getaway.
Didn’t they say he got a new truck? There was something new about the truck? Did he get a new one so it wouldn’t have any of Winslow’s DNA inside of it? If Winslow drove it, his DNA/finger prints on the steering wheel would easily be on the steering wheel. Why else would he need to drive Winslow‘s vehicle if there were indications, he was driving the vehicle. Now remember one of them is a lawyer he knows what they look for. JP‘s and Winslow‘s vehicles both need to be tested for gunpowder residue.
Mica shows up to Winslow’s property, JP is there with Winslow’s vehicle, ambushes her OR Winslow is there too and the girlfriend took her phone and truck south. He already has a plan of where he’s going to take her to unalive her before she arrives. JP drives Mica’s car with Mica in it to the final location parking lot, walks her into the woods kills her, puts her stuff down and walks back to Winslow property through the woods. Girlfriend says she was with him, I think she stayed at the property or she drove a vehicle to come get him after he was done if she was there. either way Winslow or girlfriend somebody picked him up or was waiting or he went back to the property and gotten Winslow‘s vehicle and left. Remember it’s not that far away..
Now, after reviewing the 911 recording again, I do not think it is AI. The biggest reason why I know it wasn’t AI is because if you listen to the fast response when asked for the phone number, there wasn’t enough time to record that and send it at the same time. So she replied too fast. Now, when have you ever heard a 911 operator asking somebody for their phone number? That never would have been written. You still have the type stuff in the AI creators. Also, she delayed pause between every number, how would she have replied in half the time it would have taken to type all of that out. Think about it, he would have had to type a number hit space type a number hit space over and over. In a rush I know I mess up you don’t think he would have messed up? He never would have been able to get that recorded smoothly quickly in the time it took for her to respond. Again, when have you ever heard of 911 asking for your phone number?. I believe he is in the car with her after they just left Winslows property. I believe he’s sitting right next to her in the car and allows her to make the call thinking it’s going to cover up everything and benefit him. She was sending out the whistle to her family and She’s trying to buy time for them to locate her. He knew to turn off the location because she mentioned She turned it on notice how it ended at that?. My point with this is at the end.
Logically speaking if she was purposely driving to that park, she would have known the name to GPS it. She would’ve known the name of the park to give the operator. That’s why she was pausing, probably looking to him to see where they’re at. That’s why she says “yes that’s it” cause he nodded. he had enough time to process what the operator was saying before Mica was able to answer that’s why she was able to reply quickly because the operator was speaking slowly. He heard the first word and nodded. She didn’t know, but now suddenly she knew? If she was going to purposely take her own life, and she really wanted her body found, why wouldn’t she have found the name of the park before she called to give them proper location?
She would have seen oh look it’s a park and read the sign and pulled into it. She didn’t know the sign because she was terrified because he was with her. She just knows she’s in a park.
I would possibly look to see if there was any dirt roads that led to where her vehicle is at back to Winslow’s property. That might be why she didn’t see a sign. I haven’t looked too much into that part but it’s a suggestion if anybody wants to do any homework.
SO That’s why the phone was put on airplane mode so cops wouldn’t track them into the woods at the site of the incident and he would be able to get away in time into the woods without being seen.
Also airplane mode was turned on while in the car, at the end of the 911 call, I think he took the phone put the airplane mode on which is why the airplane mode was put on because she mentioned it out loud specifically, he knew the cops were coming time to MOVE, can’t follow us to the woods though. THATS why there’s no bird sounds, they did it in the car after they got to the parking lot. I think subconsciously she thought knew this was going to happen. Kinda like I told my family this was going to happen, and then it clicked what she needed to do. He brought the phone with them to paint the picture. Why would she turn off her location herself if she wanted to be found? She was already going to enter her life right? She was obviously not going to wait a long time right? Listen to her voice when it got emotional when she said she was going to kill herself. If she was unsure, why did she skip up in the exact moment? She was almost free, she had fought so hard. When you’re almost free, what would make you think she would want to stop now? Listen to me clearly, he was in the car. She needed to send out a dog whistle to the people she had told she she told him she would admit to the suicide if she could have her body found. She knew she was going to die and she knew she needed to make sure her family could piece this together. Therefore the only plausible answer is he was in the car with her. She was emotionless probably because the gun was already on her, the phone was removed from her because she mentioned the airplane mode specifically he thought they can’t trace us out to the woods, airplane mode goes on. He walked out to the woods. He needed Time to get away and couldn’t have them knowing exactly where he was to go to first so he could escape right after.
Now he goes into the woods by possibly dragging her which is why she has a bruised wrist. That might be why she started crying. She might have tried to get away when she knew what was going to happen or that it was happening hence why there’s multiple rounds. This led to possible yanking, and then the gunshot, which is why the fisherman heard the crying. Then it was over. Put her in the water he placed her belongings and Then he walked back towards Winslow‘s property. I want to know if there’s a phone call between mica and Winslow, was this drive scheduled day of or days prior and gave enough time for it to be planned. I believe at that time he got back into Winslow’s vehicle met somewhere with Windlow switched vehicles again. JP going to his home and Winslow going back to his home. The funeral and everything was already preplanned and scheduled due to the fact they already knew what was going to happen and already had it pre-planned and needed to make sure it was swift and left no room for delay. Her family, knowing they would want to see her, he manipulated them into signing the cremation holding her body over their heads. Taunting them via text message blaming them to create the narrative. Otherwise, what would be the big deal of allowing them to see the body without needing something in exchange? He knew they would have questions afterwards. At that time all they had was the 911 call and a body, sometimes you need time to process. You know when something happens and then later on you’re like wait what? He wanted to make sure that body had no stop on the cremation process to get rid of all evidence before thosequestions inevitably came. He got ahead of it so there was no hiccup in delays because he knew he had to allow them to see the body to the public that would be the moral right thing to do. Not allowing them to see the body would be suspicious. He figured out how to make it work for both. He talks about laying with her body four times and trying to raise her from the dead, was this guilt or was it like when somebody puts a deer head on the wall?
Now remember, she has already been predisposed to trust Winslow. He mentions Winslow in an email to her previously, obviously showing that he & his wife were a trusted friend of hers as well. It’s 100% a possibility that Winslow told her to come up and talk where she was protected and JP wouldn’t find them, and Winslow left with the truck and met with JP and they switched. Winslow south, JP north. Winslow had asked his staff to clean up that overgrowth on the property. It being a wooded area, was this done so that the roadway was assessable for the plan? she probably drove down some type of dirt road, and he ambushed her in some manner. North Carolina Woods are dense, therefore easily to hide when she pulls over.
Now, how do I think that JP convinced Winslow to help, I believe JP convinced Winslow , Mica was going to tell on all of them and ruin their lives. This could have been backed up by the fact that all the documentation that she had previously collected had gone missing, and was brought to Winslow to paint Mica as an enemy so this was enough for him to convince Winslow that their future and freedom was inJeopardy. When JP was actually afraid she was going to tell on his abuse and life and ruin him. So they killed her to protect their life.
They said something yesterday about breaking news how they found that the notary was forged? Thats enough for me to draw speculation because it was done by Winslow that he is now in on the dirty dealings. He is a part of the actual dirty dealings against mica He knows something is being done wrong and he is condoning it.
That notary that was done on the power of attorney from mica was falsely notarized. Mica was not present for the notary. There was an article on earlier I was looking at but I was in information overload. I just know It was not legally notarized. This shows that Winslow does not have integrity. How far is he willing to go to protect JP and all of their secrets?
I think she told JP she just wanted her body to be found for her family and she would go without a fight. I believe that it was a dog whistle to her family. The clue they would need to know this wasn’t suicide. She told them and now she needed them to remember. She knew she was going to die and everybody needed to know about the gunshot specifically that she warned everyone about days prior. He didn’t know she told people close to her that that. That’s why her voice broke up when she said she was going to unalive herself. She did not want to die. She just wanted people to be able to solve the crime. She manipulated him into thinking he was going to get away with this because she is admitting to it being a suicide. Not knowing She had whistled what was going to happen, she needed people to listen. She offered up no extra information during the 911 call which then delayed the process hoping they would find her location. She told her dad days prior she’s getting a gun for protection. I think she got it before she drove up there just incase and the bruises on her hand may be him wrestling it from her. Maybe at arrival.
A search and rescue dog can smell from weeks to months after somebody has left the area, and if anybody can get something of his and be able to place him there in the woods, you have convincing beyond a reasonable doubt.
After writing this up yesterday when I was complete, I got super sick to my stomach. I was shaking. I could see it completely out in my head where all the facts completely aligned. I believe tthis is the only plausible theory there is.
What people need to realize at the end of the day the good attention and bad attention is still attention to a narcissist. He is enjoying the intention is getting from this primarily from getting away with it. That’s why I believe he visited her body four times after she was deceased. Because he already had a girlfriend, he already talked about going and getting a hot wife and then after she dies, he does an interview about how she’s the most incredible wife and supportive. He made the obituary about how awesome he thought she was to still collect her validation and the validation he got from being her husband because she was good. She was light and he was jealous of that. He wanted that that’s why he had that position. She loved him so much he claimed and how she was so wonderful he claimed yet she didn’t want him when she had a no contact order and wanted a divorce obviously, he wasn’t that. and if you guys don’t think he groomed her go to the memorial of life sermon and listen to the poem again. Now switch the words, “school” and “church.” And follow the story line.
He killed Mica Miller.

So I (F27) met a guy (M32) who lives in Cornwall (family friend) and I live about 6 hours away. I met him in September for the first time and there was an instant click between us and I stayed round his one of the last nights of my holiday and I did catch feelings. He was only a couple months out of a very long term relationship so I knew he wasn’t really ready for anything and 2 weeks after I left we stopped talking.
Come the new year he started messaging me again, sending me updates on his farm and we FaceTimed, and eventually I went back to Cornwall in April on a family holiday. The whole week I was there we spent together, and he told me he liked me but wasn’t sure where my head had been at this whole time. Anyway we said we would try and make the effort to see each other and speak more, and so far he’s come to see me a week after I left, we’ve FaceTimed or spoke on the phone probably every other night and I’m going back down to see him in 2 weeks time.
To me everything has seemed like he was on the same wavelength as me this time and wants to see if things could work as he has been good with FaceTiming and saying things like meeting my friends so etc.
this was until yesterday, he didn’t reply to me all day so I went on hinge and low and behold he’s made a new hinge profile (which he didn’t have previously). I don’t know how to feel, I messaged asking for a FaceTime and we did and he was acting normal, there was no hints of anything being different. The only thing is he obviously didn’t reply to me all day and then has made a new dating profile.
I don’t know what to do, I really like this guy and I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I’m going down in 2 weeks so how do I bring up where his head is at without coming across intense? It’s a long way and a lot of money for me to go to him so if he isn’t considering anything serious with me I don’t want to spend my time and money visiting him to develop more feelings and getting really badly hurt.
Please help me!! I’m normally an avoidant and would just walk away from this but they say when you know you know and I just feel like we have something between us that I want to explore but I need to know if he feels the same. How do I go about asking this guy when I am in Cornwall what he wants from me? Or should I ask him before I go down?
TL;DR - guy I’m dating made a new dating app profile and I need advice on how to ask him what his feelings are towards me

So I purchased my second, second hand Artisan mixer for £35 which I'll refer to as "Silver". It was listed as "not turning". After fixing my first mixer which I'll refer to as "Red" and watching many Mr Mixer videos I concluded it was the carbon brushes, replacing these did indeed fix the issue.
Upon cleaning and calibrating Silver mixer, I discovered that the head would not stay in place when "locked", if I placed any upwards pressure on it, the lock leaver would disengage and the head would tilt back. I did the usual dime test (I had to 3d print one as we don't have a comparable sized coin in the UK) and adjusted the neck screw.
The problem is that, if turn the screw to raise the beater, that's when the mixer won't lock in place. If I turn the screw to lower the beater, the neck does indeed lock but then the beater scrapes the bottom on the bowl and won't pass the dime test. I've tried this time after time, I've spent hours attempting to find the sweet spot and it seems to be non-existent.
I've even swapped the locking pin assembly from Red mixer as that locked without issue, putting that on Silver mixer the issue still persists. I also did the reverse and Red mixer still works fine with Silver Mixers Locking assembly. Obviously this must mean it's not an issue with the locking assembly but an issue with the mixer itself? But I can't find any resource online about this issue except one reddit post.
https://www.reddit.com/Kitchenaid/comments/urfaw3/artisan_wont_lock_not_neck_pin_screw/
Any help would be appreciated! I can provide photos if needed.

Quick Summary:

This post will contain spoilers for both Season 15, and Restoration.
With the release of Restoration, Red vs Blue has finally come to an end, and it was a pretty solid ending for the most part amid a few flaws here and there, but most I think would agree it was a Satisfying ending. However as I said before it has a few problems. One being is that we don't know if Restoration actually happend, or if it's also a simulation much like The Shisno Trilogy, and Zero.
Secondly even though some people didn't like The Shisno Trilogy retconing it removes all of the major delevompment certain characters went through. Such as Grif, Donut, and Washington. I think The Shisno Trilogy defenitntly handled their characters better then Restoration did. So I'm going to give my version of what happend after the battle on The Staff of Charon, and see if we can fix some of the mistakes of both The Shisno Trilogy, and Restoration.

Season 15 Prelude:

So in my rewrite I'm going to have both Season 15, and Restoration happen, but there will be some tweeks, and changes added to them. One such change will be Tucker's descent into becoming The New Meta, rather then it just happening offscreen. We see this through Tucker behaving much more differently then he normally would. He often gets angry for unknown reasons, or behaves more violently then he normally would. All of this is a result of him being influinced by both Sigma, and Omega. Personally I think Omega would help Sigma with his goals as long as Sigma gave Omega something in return.

Season 15:

Now let's get into the actual Season. So Season 15 Episode 1 Prolouge goes the same as it does in the original, with The Blues and Reds attacking a UNSC base, and killing everyone there. Dylan Andrews then does her report with Frank, she deciedes to track The Reds and Blues down, Frank is replace by Jax, and together they head to Blood Gulch, meet sister, and VIC, Dylan makes a deal with VIC that he will give her "Three wishes", and then she, and Jax go to Sidewinder, meet Specncer, and Encounter The Blues and Reds. So far Season 15 seems to be going exactaly the same as it did before right, well here's where the first difference comes. Dylan doesn't immendidlty put together put together that they aren't the real Reds, and Blues. This is because Surge actually has a shotgun, and they all have voice filters to sound like the Reds, and Blues.
Anyways after all that instead of going to Chorus, Dylan and Jax decied to go to other places The Reds and Blues have been starting with Zanzibar. There they wouldn't find much, but I think Dylan would at least try to see if she could find any information on the computer Gamma hacked, but probably wouldn't find anything.
There next stop would be Valhalla. There they would first check out The Blue Base, find nothing, and then they would check out The Red Base, where they would find the holgraph training thing Sarge had Lopez built. Once again they wouldn't find anything they would help with their investagation.
Oh by the way the call between Dylan and James would still happen in Episode 4 at Zanziabar and it would go the same as in the original Season.
Anyways then then go to the sandy place with The Temple, then where the Reds and Tucker got destroyed by Tex, and even where they confronted The Director, but they find nothing, and Dylan is about to Give Up when Jax suggest that why not go to the place The Reds and Blues were last known to be, Chorus. Dylan calls Jax a genius, and they head of to Chours. Again this goes exactaly the same as it did in the original version, but with one major difference, Doc would be on Chours working at Donald Doyle General Hosptial as Doctor Grey's assisatant, but once he here's about The Reds and Blues he too like Sister, Grey, and Kimball believes that The Reds and Blues wouldn't go evil, despite all they've put him through. So after getting the info from Kimball, Dylan, Jax, and Doc would all go to The Reds and Blues are on. Doc apologizes to Grey for leaving, but she assures him it's okay, and that he wasn't really that good at opperating, no offense of course. Anyways they go to the planet, the same Star Wars Parody scene happens, and Dylan finally meets The Real Reds and Blues. Cabooose still falls of the cliff, The Reds and Blues kind of have a small reaction to Doc like "Oh Doc what are you doing here". Doc then tries to explain only for The Reds and Blues to say that "No one cares", then they tell their story. It's exactaly the same, but Carolina does point out Tucker's weird behavior from being influnced by Sigma, and Omgea, but they all just blow it off as a phase, and then they get the SOS from Church.
And that's where Season 15 would end. Now I'm sure some of you are going to question why I shorten Season 15 to only about 10 episodes instead of the Original 20, well that was because of Dylan and Jax. See one of my main issues with Season 15 was the lack of development the two new characters got. I mean what did we learn about either of them throughout the Season? Um Dylan was a reporter, Jax wants to make movies, Dylan has a husband she's distant from, and that's about it, and as soon as The Reds and Blues come back into the picture, both Dylan and Jax basically get sidelinded. For me that was my biggest disappointment from Season 15, and is the main reason why I added episodes of Dylan and Jax going to these other places The Reds and Blues have been was so we could learn more about Dylan and Jax.
One thing I think we could learn about is why Dylan is so distant from her husband, here's my take on the reason why. Dylan can't have kids. When Dylan gets the call from James, Jax could ask her why she's so distant from him, to which Dylan would say that it's none of his buisness, then Jax can drop it, and tell Dylan his life story, then in Chorus Lessons Dylan can tell Jax about her being unable to reproduce, she explains to him that other then being a reporter one of her biggest dreams was to be a mom, she and James tried so many times, but nothing worked, so they went to the doctors where they got the news that Dylan was infertal. This revlation devestated Dylan, and she started to distants herself from James, and burry herself in her work. James did suggest things like Adoption, or a Surragate Mom, but Dylan didn't want to do either of does. I know it's not the best story for Dylan, but I just wanted more from her and Jax, instead of them just being sidelinded after The Reds and Blues came back into the picture. Anyways onto the New Season 16.

Season 16:

So yeah Season 16 is just the rest of Season 15 honestly, and for the most part everything goes exactaly The Same. Grif quits still, Carolina and Washington go to search for their old Freelancer friends, and The rest of The Reds and Blues along with Dylan and Jax try to trace Church's message. Everything from their goes the same, including the meeting with Spencer. It's when they meet The Blues and Reds where it's different. When they first meet it goes basically the same where The Blues and Reds claim that they're the good guys, and its The UNSC who are the bad guys, but Tucker does not trust them one bit because they are still going around pretending to be The Reds and Blues, with Tucker even questioning how Dylan couldn't tell they were fakes. Anyways the go into the underwater base, and here's where we get some differences. First of all The Blues and Reds and not the originals, they are just copycats. Doc also never knew them, and there's a little moment of him asking if they have their own Doc, and getting kind of dissapointed that their isn't.
Here's another major difference. It's Sigma who convinces Tucker to not trust Dylan, and to instead trust The Blues and Reds, and espesically Temple. After that everything from Wash and Carolina's relationship getting forming, to The Blues and Reds capturing them goes the same.
Now we get to The Blues and Reds story of why they are doing all of this. Now like I said before they are not the originals like in the canon version of Season 15, and honestly coming up with a different story for them was hard, and this was all I could think of. They were part of The UNSC Resistance, and took part in the battle of the Sargaughcas in Season 9. We still get that whole think of Biff and Temple being friends, and Biff wanting to go home to be with his wife, but this time instead of him asking Temple to shoot him, he was already given permission to leave, and this would have been his last mission. Unfourtnetly he is killed during the battle by Carolina and Tex. As for why The Blues and Reds are pretending to be The Reds and Blues? They saw the article Dylan wrote and that's what gave Temple the idea to pretend to be The Reds and Blues.
Anyways The Reds, and Blues discover The Blues and Reds are evil, Doc, and Sarge join The Blues, and Reds, The Reds, and Blues are captured, Lopez gets launched into Space, runs into Locus, and gets Grif. Grif, Lopez, and Felix go to save The Reds and Blues, free Wash and Carolina, with Wash all loopy, Sarge apologizes, and the fire fight happens. Here we would also see more of Sigma, and Omega influnicing Tucker, primarily Omega during this part since Tucker is angry, and of course Wash gets shot in the Neck.
So after that everything goes exactaly the same as it does in the original with The Reds and Blues, Dylan, and Jax all heading to Earth to stop The Blues and Reds.
Okay now for the Final Battle aganist The Blues and Reds, for the most part it's the same. Sarge and Surge's fight to Sarge accidendtly killing Surge, Grif, and Simmons figthing Gene and leaving him, and Loronzeo getting kicked into space, as well as Cronut blowing up in The Tank, but surving.
Now for the differnces. First off Loco's machine is not a time machine, but it will still causes mass destruction, and possibly destroy the planet so it needs to be stopped. Tucker beats Buckey even worse then he does in the original, breaking nearly all of his bones. This is again because of Omega. Anyways once we get to the final battle against Temple it all goes the same. Temple accidently kills Loco, VIC dies stopping the Machine, and Loco gives Caboose some batteires for Freckles. Now for the differnces. First there's no door that opens to Blood Gulch, and Alpha Church, The Machine just gets destroyed by VIC. Donut still gets shot by a bolt of electricty, but it does nothig except give him a little jolt. Oh and everything that happend with Doc went the same.
Now for Temple's fate. This time Tucker actually kills Temple, quite violently to, shocking everyone. Carolina then says "Tucker, what have you done"? to which Tucker, who's voice is mixed with Sigma's says. "Tucker is gone, I am The Meta"! Tucker now complety controlled by Sigma runs off, gets into Dylan's ship and flies off leaving everyone in shock. Then The Chours crew comes with Sister who reuintes with Grif, and the others are informed of Wash's recover, but then Caboose ask what they are going to do about Tucker, which Carolina says she doesn't know. Season 16 ends with Tucker returing to the base where The Reds and Blues were stationed after Chorus. He opens a door, to a room where The Meta's old armor was stored. Tucker then puts on the Armor and faces the screen in a scene similar to when Maine became The First Meta.
So yeah Season 16 aka The Rest of Season 15 didn't have a lot of changes other then changing the Origins of The Blues, and Reds, and showing more of Tucker's desent into becoming The New Meta. So let's move onto The Final Season.

Restoration:

So I think the best place to start The Final Season is to have The Reds and Blues first go to Chorus to check on Wash. As for Dylan and Jax, they stay behind since they can't fight The Meta. Anyways The Reds and Blues arrive on Chorus, and Carolina goes to see Wash in the Hospital, she wants to tell him about what happend to Tucker, but Wash doesn't let her at first, and instead tells the story about his cat. He tells the story about five times, so Carolina ask Doctor Grey about what's going on, and she tells Carolina about Wash's Cerebal Hypoxia. Now here's where we get our first difference. Carolina tells Wash about his condition, and does not hide it from him. Wash of course is devestated after learning this, but isn't as angry as he was in the original Season since Carolina was honest with him, but then she tells Wash about Tucker, and this causes an argument between the two of them, Carolina wants Wash to stay behind on Chorus while she and the others take care of Tucker, but Washington is insitant that he comes along saying how Tucker is his friend, and he's not going to sit back while Tucker suffers. Try as she might Carolina cannot convince Wash to stay behind.
While that was going on The Reds and Blues come back with the Message from Church. Of coruse Carolina, is skeptical at first considering what happend with the last message from Church, but Epsilon, who somehow new about all of this is able to prove he is real.
Okay so that's basically it for differnces, as everything else goes the same as it does in the original film with the acception that Sister, Wash, Carolina, Donut, Lopez, and Doc are all there the whole time. There would also be more scences of Tucker trying to fight off Sigma's influnce
Now for The Battle on The Staff of Charon with The Meta, here is where we would see Wash's injury effecting him, and it gets to a point where The Meta is about to kill him, only for Doc to sacrfice himself to save him. So yeah Doc still dies, but this time it's onscreen. As for Sarge, he dies too, same way he does in the original film, but the difference is that Sarge doesn't choose to abandon Caboose at first, he dies saving Caboose.
Final battle in Blood Gulch is The Same, with Tex coming back, but also Junior too. They fight and defeat Sigma, and Free Tucker. Caboose then destroys the Memory Unit.
Now for the ending. Grif doesn't leave like he does in the original film, Simmons does still offer it to him, but Grif chooses to stay. One thing The Shisno Trilogy did good was Grif's character arc. He realized that he needs the others in his life, no matter how much he doesn't want to admit it, he went crazy when he was all alone. Washington's character was something else done well in The Shisno Trilogy, his struggle with Brain Damage, and having to come over it, which is one of the biggest reasons why I hate Zero when they just said that he somehow got cured from that offscreen.
Finally with everything fixed, The Reds and Blues all decied to remain on Blood Gulch. Red Base has Simmons, Grif, Donut, and Lopez, while Blue Base has Caboose, Tucker, Washington, Carolina, Sister, and Junior.
Oh one more thing, they also had a memorial for Doc too. Donut is the first one mouring Doc, with Simmons, and the others eventually joining as well, and it's here where they finally acknowledge all the terrible things they did to Doc over the years, and genuinally apologize to him, even if Doc can't here them

Conclusion:

And there we go, my rewrite of Season 15, and Restoration. I know it's not perfect, and believe me a billon other people could do a trillon times better then I ever could, but I just wanted to talk about my take on how I would try to handle The End of Red vs Blue.

My apologies in advance if this is long. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 23 years. This incident happened when we were still friends. If I had I only known the truth when this had originally happened, I would have been saved from decades of emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, sexual, and physical abuse. (And currently post-separation abuse).
The cast: me, my ex Bub (Beelzebub), my ex-crush B, Bub's gf M, Bub's bf V (It will make sense when you read it.)
TW: Suicide, self-harm, abuse
We met through a mutual friend. We became really close really quickly. He was 17 and I was 19. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. I was raised around domestic abuse, and my family was highly dysfunctional. I suffered severe trauma as a child being raised in this environment with an abusive father and brother. (His namesake). By the time I met Bub, I had been having mental health struggles for many years. To deal with the trauma I still suffered from I would self-harm by cutting frequently. I also had been in a psychiatric hospital twice for suicide attempts. I told Bub about all of this, and he knew that I still did it. He was very supportive and would get really sad when I harmed myself.
Since we were just friends we would talk about our crushes. He had a crush on a girl from high school and I had a crush on one of my ex's B, who was also my high school crush. We only dated for 3 weeks, and we decided we were better as friends then lovers. Though we did have a FWB thing going on when we were both single. He really talked up his crush and I really talked up mine.
Two months into our friendship he got a gf. He told me she was a girl he knew from his home city named M. He claimed her mother would babysit him and his brother. He really talked this girl up. She was into all the same things as him. He said she had beautiful red hair, D breasts, liked the same books, movies and music as him. (Yes, he bragged about these things, as disgusting and corny as it sounds now). I was starting to believe he talked her up to make me jealous, which it honestly did. However, I knew it was petty jealousy and I was very happy for him and expressed that to him.
I don't know whose idea it was for her to start communicating with me, but she started emailing me to get to know his best friend (me). I was totally cool with this and was excited to get to know her. Before I know it, she starts getting really nasty with me for no apparent reason. It really upset me. My natural impulse at the time when I was upset was to cut. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism I had for years, and I did it when I was really upset. I explained this to him, and he said he would talk to her. He showed real concern I was harming myself and he also wanted her to stop.
So, he told me he had talked to her, and she had told him she would stop harassing me for no good reason. I really assumed she was jealous and let her know there was nothing to worry about. We were friends and he had a much longer history with her. She didn't stop. She continued to say the vilest and f'd up things to me, including making crass and insensitive comments about my suicidal ideation and self-harm. Naturally I was really upset and cut myself pretty badly. I still have the scar.
This basically went on until they broke up a month later. He said she was doing heroin, and he was vehemently against drugs. He said that they had a good friend that died of an OD, and he couldn't be with her if she was going to do that. It was over. She never contacted me again.
Not long after that B (my ex-bf) had come back from bootcamp. I spent a good deal of time with him while he was on home for leave for two weeks before he shipped out overseas. We decided in that time that we would no longer be FWB because I was starting to have feelings for Bub. Me and Bub started dating right after that. He ended up telling me that him and M didn't really date, and he had only told me that to make me jealous. AHA! I was correct!
So, I asked to meet her. He was a bit hesitant at first, but he finally agreed. At this point his bf V from his home city was dating her. It was the perfect opportunity to meet her as like a double date. I will say, at that time in my life I could be possessive and jealous. Not proud of it, but I was young and immature. I ended up treating her pretty snidely because of this.
One night we were out with them, and Bub got into a car accident. We ended up having to call his dad for a ride home. When we got to his home, his dad was contemplating letting them sleep there. I whispered in Bub's ear that I was not okay with his ex-gf sleeping at his house. She overheard me tell him this. She pulled me aside and told me they never dated. WHAT? I was furious. Bub made eye contact with me, and by the look on his face, I could tell he knew what she told me. The ride back, to drop them at home in his dad's car, was uncomfortable to say the least.
After he dropped them off, I confronted him. His explanation was I was so pushy to meet her, but he knew how jealous I could be, so he didn't want to actually introduce me to the real M. Ends up V was dating a girl with the same name. I felt so stupid and betrayed. I wanted to end it, but he seemed so remorseful I ended up giving him another chance.
Well, the years go rolling by, and I hear no more about this girl who he was so close with, in the past. Bub was a very charismatic person with a lot of friends. He never stopped speaking to friends permanently and they would come in and out of his life. I found it a little odd that there was no mention of her but didn't think much else of it. I also never really formally met her.
Then Facebook became a thing. He ended up being friends with every person he had ever known. Except her. I would bring it up and he would always have some excuse. We ended up moving in with his brother in 2015. I wasn't really around his brother a lot, so I never got a chance to talk to him at length. I remember at one point I brought her up. I was just so curious at the mystery girl and wanted to see if he was still in touch with her. He told me he didn't know what I was talking about. He said his mother never left them with babysitters and only worked when they were in school.
"What does that mean," I'm thinking. WTF does that mean? I brought it up to Bub and he told me she only babysat a few times so his brother probably forgot. But this didn't sit right with me. He had told me that she would babysit them frequently. He denied ever saying the frequency. What could I do but believe him? It had been almost 15 years by that point. That's a long time to keep a secret like that. Surely, he was telling me the truth. I dropped it for good.
We get married that year. We had a child the next year. We had a stillborn a year after that. All this time until 2022, I started feeling really uneasy about our relationship. I started suspecting that his behavior towards me was abusive.
Sidenote: I didn't include all the abusive behaviors in this post, as it would be a novel if I did. I'm simply recalling the events around the catalyst to my descent into hell.
By the end of 2022 I was broken. I had gotten my first of what would end up being 3 TROs against him. I dismissed the first two. (The second was a dual, as he set up a situation that created the need for me to defend myself. He claimed I wasn't defending myself. That's a story for another day). After the first two, I was still so desperate to salvage my marriage with my eternal hope that he could change. I was just so broken by then I didn't think I deserved any better, and no one else could possibly want a worthless, pitiful broken mess like me.
The summer of 2023, while laying sleepless in bed, the memory of M flashed through my mind. I started remembering details I had long forgotten. Why did I never meet her? Why was she never his friend on Facebook? Why had neither of them reached out to each other? I had met every person he talked about, or he was at least friends with them on Facebook. Why not her? Why did his brother not remember? Why did he say M's mother babysat them all the time? I KNOW he originally said that damn it! Why was her email address, at only 17-years-old, her first and last name? 17-year-olds don't use their names like professionals. They call themselves sparklybutterflies86 for christ's sakes! This was all going through my head.
The next day I confronted Bub. I will paraphrase to the best of my memory:
Me: Was M real?
Bub: I thought this had been settled already.
Me: No. No, it hasn't. You told me your brother just did not remember her and that was the last I spoke of it.
Bub: Deadpanned looking me right in the eye "No. She wasn't real. I thought you knew this by now."
I can't really remember what I said at that point, but it was a lot of "how the fuck could you do that? and other expletives. His excuse was he was an insecure teenager, and he was jealous of B and how much I talked about him. A fucking insecure teenager. Talking up his high school crush didn't make me jealous, so he made up a gf.
He pretended to be a gf, who went on to harass the shit out me. Which caused me to be so distraught that I cut myself. He knew I was harming myself and he kept on doing it. I still bare the fucking scar from that time. He involved a poor innocent girl that I was fucking terrible to. Not to mention the fake story of a friend that Od'd. And his excuse for this deranged, diabolical, INSANE fucking shit was, "I was an insecure teenager." No fucking big deal, right?
23 years. Two kids. One alive and one deceased. 23 years of complete and utter psychological annihilation with this man.
If only I had known.
If you have come this far, thank you so much for reading. I left him for good October of last year, and I have never felt more free.

Hi all! I have been diving into the world of voxels recently and I have come to sort of a standstill.
First of all I tried to use Marching Cubes to get (semi) realistic looking terrain that players can edit but it mostly flew over my head, so I decided on good old cubes. (if I should revisit marching cubes, let me know)
My second attempt was... horrible to say the least, I don't even want to post the code because you could probably point out something wrong/inefficient with every line lol
My third attempt can be seen here: https://pastebin.com/DyzGX94N Not very efficient, overall not a good approach. Moving on!
However, my fourth/current attempt was actually more promising... until it wasnt. I had a 32x32x1024 chunk of voxels and up to 256 voxels from the ground were "solid" and not "null" voxels (null voxels in my code = air voxels)
I did have a problem where the top-left-corner of the voxel layer at 257 (first null layer) were solid, could not for the life of me figure out why.
Anyways, the code can be seen here: (its still very inefficient) https://pastebin.com/Y26qJEiv
It is WAY too CPU-heavy, blocking the game thread when its (supposed to be) running on a different thread, taking multiple seconds to build a chunk when editing voxels. It also messes up UV/face geometry (just writing this, I forgot that I have to take 4 away from every index in Chunk.Triangles to cover up the UV problem... but that would just add more CPU strain so I'm still sure my solution is not going in a good direction.)
I'm not really looking for an error list in my code, just generally asking: - How SHOULD voxel mesh data be stored? By-voxel or by-chunk? Guessing by-chunk. - How should chunks be updated? For instance, making a solid voxel -> air voxel. Do I re-build (recalculate triangles not just recreate the mesh itself) the entire chunk or just the voxel and its surroundings? - Any other feedback, resources, etc welcome
Thank you!

The article is intended primarily for Game Masters who play games in settings inspired by Lovecraft’s works. However, I hope that other fans of cosmic horror will also find something for themselves here. The interesting facts presented here may also be entertaining for people who do not know the work of The Loner of Providence, but some of the references may be unclear to them. The article contains several anecdotes – either from real history or from beliefs that exist in the real world, and suggestions on how they can be related to the Cthulhu mythology. So read about:

• Sea Peoples, bane of ancient civilizations,
• a forgotten Eldritch abomination from Greek mythology,
• Jan Twardowski, the first man on the Moon,
• mathematicians and physicists who wanted to know the structure of reality and lost their minds,
• one of the most mysterious characters from the Bible and a dark, occult ritual that underlies monotheism.

Invasion of the Sea Peoples
Ancient, super-advanced, fallen civilizations are one of the favorite motifs of fantasy. And truth be told, something similar happened in real history. Of course, in reality, the fallen civilizations did not have sci-fi supertechnology at their disposal, but their collapse still led to great destabilization. We are talking about the invasion of the so-called Sea Peoples, which took place at the turn of the 13th and 12th centuries BC. The Sea Peoples are mobile and warlike groups of people of unknown origin. They caused the collapse of several advanced cultures, including: Mycenaean and Hittite. Only the Egyptians managed to defeat them in a great battle. Well, the material for Lovecraftian inspiration is obvious. A mysterious army, coming out of nowhere, called the „Sea Peoples”, leading to the fall of the most powerful human civilizations at that time? Let us add that, according to some historians, the descendants of the Sea Peoples destroyed by the Egyptians were the Philistines. Yes, the same Philistines, one of whose main deities was the well-known Dagon to Lovecraftomaniacs… Deep Ones say hello. Let us also add that, according to Egyptian records, the tribes of the Sea Peoples had names such as Ekvesh, Teresh, Lucki, Sherden, Shekelesh, Tekel and Peleset. Sounds suitably dark, blasphemous and filthy? If we want to dig deeper, one of the pharaohs who ruled Egypt was Akhenaten – yes, that heretic who tried to replace the worship of traditional Egyptian gods with the religion of the Aten and who is very much liked by conspiracy theorists. Let’s add to the mix that Middle Eastern cultures had quite a negative attitude towards the sea as such. Babylonian Marduk had to defeat the giant monsters of Chaos – Apsu and Tiamat, personifications of fresh and salt waters, respectively. The Bible also contains traces of the myth about the fight between Yahweh and Leviathan, and the Book of Revelation, describing the new, ideal world, emphasizes that „I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.” Let’s assume that the players are researchers of an antiquity – historians, archaeologists, etc. They conduct research on the Sea Peoples. Of course, as common sense dictates, they assume that these were human warriors. However, as time goes on, more and more evidence appears that they were not completely human again, and the evidence of their monstrosity becomes increasingly difficult to put down to the demonization that Egyptian chroniclers used against their enemies… It becomes clear that an onslaught of inhuman and semi-human monsters came from the sea. , trying to conquer the world of that time. Moreover, after their defeat at the hands of the Egyptians, this species did not become extinct, but instead of open conquest it switched to cautious infiltration. Perhaps the Deep Ones have spies in academia who are tasked with eliminating historians who find the trail of truth…
Oh, one more interesting fact connecting the history of the Sea Peoples with Lovecraft. Well, as we know, HPL liked to use the term „Cyclopean” for huge, monumental buildings. At least he didn’t come up with it himself. Well, when the later (and at first more primitive) inhabitants, the Dorians, saw the ruins of destroyed castles left by the Mycenaean culture, they came to the conclusion that such huge buildings could not have been built by human hands, so they were probably the work of mythical giants – cyclopes.
Typhon – a classic but forgotten abomination
Modern works drawing on Greek mythology usually make Hades (completely senseless) or Kronos (a little more) the Big Bad, but they forget about Zeus’s greatest enemy – Typhon. After defeating the titans and then the gigants, the Olympian gods had to face the main boss on the way to dominating the world – Typhon. Here is an example of its description: It was larger than the largest mountains, its head touched the stars. When he stretched out his hands, one reached the eastern ends of the world and the other reached the western ends. Instead of fingers, he had a hundred dragon heads. From the waist down he had a tangle of vipers (yay, tentacles!) and wings at his shoulders. His eyes were shooting out flames. In other versions of the myth, Typhon was a flying, hundred-headed dragon. In any case – appearance and stature worthy of the Great Old One. Typhon attacked Olympus, and all the gods except Zeus fled in panic. The supreme god took up the fight… and lost it. Only in the second duel did he manage to defeat Typhon, but not kill him – he only imprisoned him, hitting him with Etna. In the sense of a mountain. A volcano – and volcanic activity is the result of Typhon’s anger, trying to break free. Typhon equaled the lord of heaven not only in strength, but in fertility. His wife was Echidna, about whom Hesiod wrote: „She also gave birth to another creature, invincible, huge, unlike neither men nor immortal gods, in a hollow cave – the divine violent Echidna, half a sharp-eyed young girl, with beautiful cheeks, half a huge snake, a great and powerful, spotted, cruel – in the depths of the holy land. This pair spawned many, if not most, of the monsters found in Greek mythology. Their offspring were very diverse and strange, as befits the spawn of enemies of the divine order, including: – Ladon, the hundred-headed dragon who never slept and guarded the apples that gave immortality, – Cerberus – we all know the dog guarding the gates of hell… but not all of us know that, according to some accounts, it had not three heads, but as many as 50, it was also covered with scales, and it had a snake by its tail… so what does this have to do with a dog? – Scylla – this lady inherited the most from the human, beautiful part of Echidna… at least initially, but eventually, as a result of various perturbations, she turned from a beautiful nymph to her siblings, becoming a six-headed sea beast, so hideous, according to Homer, that even the gods could not stand sight of her – she dwelt in a cave, from where she opened her mouth to devour the crews of ships, – Gorgons – I mean, those ladies with snake hair, not monstrous bulls. Medusa was one of them – the story that Athena turned her priestess into a monster as punishment for being raped by Poseidon is an invention of later poets, – Lernaean Hydra – a multi-headed monster with many reptilian or human heads. In place of each severed head, two others grew, and in addition, the main head was completely immortal – therefore, after chopping off the mortal heads, Heracles had to burn the stumps and bury the immortal, still hissing head underground. Hydra’s breath was poisonous. – various other creatures, such as the Sphinx, the dog Ortus, the Nemean Lion or the Chimera. Each of these descendants has the potential to be portrayed as an Eldritch abomination in its own right. To be precise – according to some accounts, the father of these creatures (and Echidna herself) was Typhon, but a monstrous, ancient (older than Poseidon) sea god, Phorcys. How to use Typhon? Well, Typhon clearly has the potential to be a Great Old One, imprisoned by… Nodens? Some other Elder God? Weak gods of humanity? Maybe his cult is trying to free him from Etna? What if he succeeds? What might distinguish Typhon from many other Great Old Ones? I would recommend focusing on his monster progenitor aspect – if he manages to reunite with Echidna, they will immediately start spawning various blasphemous beasts in series.
Jan Twardowski – the first man on the Moon
Jan (John) Twardowski, the hero of the legend, a Polish nobleman who allegedly sold his soul to the devil and became a sorcerer. Probably a historical figure, according to legend he lived in the 16th century and became famous for summoning the spirit of the deceased queen for King Sigismund Augustus. The ghost allegedly appeared in the mirror. This mirror is still kept in the church in Węgrów. According to legend, when the terms of the pact were fulfilled, devils came to kidnap Twardowski to hell. Interestingly, instead of taking the sorcerer’s soul after death, the most material demons appeared and grabbed Twardowski in order to kidnap him bodily, alive… and instead of heading towards the underground, which in legends is considered the traditional place of residence of demons and damned souls, they began to carry away up with him. At some point, Twardowski started singing religious songs, which caused the demons to escape, leaving him on the Moon, where he is said to have stayed ever since. Could the “demons” actually be extraterrestrials? Maybe mi-go? Maybe Twardowski was their agent and obtained secret knowledge and technology from them that gave him the fame of a sorcerer? As part of his studies, did he acquire knowledge of a system of sounds („religious songs”) that was able to drive away his masters when they decided that his usefulness on Earth had ended and it was time to transport him to a space base where he would be transformed into a brain in jar? Or was transportation to the Moon part of the deal from the beginning? Oh, one more interesting fact – according to legends, Twardowski used to use a rooster as a horse, which he enlarged with his magic. It’s easy to imagine an abomination that, in the eyes of laymen, might have resembled a large rooster… Examples of scenario hooks: – Twardowski’s secret mirror is still in the church in Węgrów. The local priest thinks it is just other „pagan” superstitions, but in fact it is a tool enabling contact with cosmic beings and higher realities. It may prove useful to players if they convince the priest to give it back or simply steal it. – Players are looking for Twardowski’s notes to gain knowledge about the „song” thanks to which he drove away mi-go (or other creatures that became the prototype of the „devils” from the legend). The so-called Twardowski’s „School” or „Cathedral” was located in a quarry near Kraków. In fact, at the end of the 19th century, during the construction of the church of St. Józef, a cave showing traces of alchemical experiments was discovered… And it was destroyed. But perhaps there is a second, secret laboratory under the cave that escaped destruction? And there lie Twardowski’s secrets… And again, potential obstacles may be placed by the local parish priest. But not only him. Maybe Twardowski’s legendary „rooster” lies dormant in the laboratory and was left by the sorcerer as a guard? – players are astronauts on the Moon. However, it turns out that someone lives here, someone who was not detected by previous expeditions and probes. Will Twardowski prove to be an ally in the fight against cosmic horrors? Or maybe their agent, or an independent villain? If he survived this long on the Moon thanks to blasphemous secrets, it’s possible that he had little humanity left…
The rest of the text is avalaible (of course, for free) here: https://adeptusrpg.wordpress.com/2024/05/13/some-lovecraftian-inspiration-form-real-life-and-beliefs/

TL:DR AT THE END (19m)
I want to start by saying that I do love myself. I am not ugly. I am not socially awkward. I don’t smell bad. I have many friends that I love. What i’m saying is there’s nothing obviously wrong with me that would stop women from liking me. And women do like me, but they don’t like ME. (this is starting to sound really conceited I am not some peak male human form specimen i’m really just an average guy, stick with me here).
What i’m trying to say is no woman seems to like me for who I actually am. Instead when a woman does like me, it’s because of pre conceived notions they have about who they think I am and not who i actually am. It doesn’t help that being a lightskin man, I get fetishized a decent amount, which only got worse once I got locs. The thing is, i know for a fact i can’t be the only one experiencing this, and that most women have to feel this way even more then I do, but no one really seems to relate, or if they do they don’t talk about it.
It’s such a frustrating issue especially because one of my biggest insecurities is not being loved for who i am. I was ugly almost all my teen years, and being short and black with a baby face where that is very much not the beauty standard does not help (i was 4’11 freshman year). It wasn’t until the end of senior year i noticed i started getting attention from women (this didn’t happen overnight, i worked to improve myself). I had grown a lot taller, worked on my hair and skincare, and i just carried myself differently, as well as actually learned how to dress.
About 6 months later is when i got my first real girlfriend. I really like her, but i slowly start noticing and accepting that she doesn’t seem to actually like me or care about me at all, not to mention this was very much my first real romantic relationship so i missed a lot of red flags. It’s just a bunch of little things, and i don’t want to fully explain it as it would make this post even longer, but long story short(ish) i broke up with her a month into our relationship being official (we’d been talking for about 4 months before that) despite me liking every part of her because i could tell that she clearly didn’t like me, and surprisingly i had enough self respect to do what would be right in the long term no matter how much i liked her.
I found out about 2 months after we broke up that she was cheating on me anyways. This doesn’t surprise me as i had started my locs shortly after we started dating, and she preferred the curls i had before, which is ok. However i noticed a clear difference in how she treated me afterwards, one hairstyle change and she would get more irritated with me, would find new things that would make her mad, you know how it goes i guess and that left her dissatisfied enough to cheat? it hurts my head to think about it so i try not to tbh.
The crazy part however is I think it’s just because i looked more like her ex that way💀😭 We had mutual friends, so I did ask them why she acted different towards me compared to her other boyfriends. Turns out, she never got over her ex before me and basically was looking for him in me (not gonna turn out well especially because he’s white and i’m black, and it seemed the more i associated with blackness the less she liked me).
This really hurt me i’m not gonna lie. I know it’s corny, but my ultimate male fantasy is finding one person and boom it’s happily ever after (i know how unrealistic that is, that’s why i said fantasy). Its not so much that i’m super sad about her specifically, but it’s really about what she did means about me. I hate the fact that i let her do that to me, that I ever let her touch me. It feels so violating knowing she’s the only person to have ever really seen me or been with me in a more sexual/romantic way, only for her not to care about me. I wish i had never done anything with her, and every time i remember that i have i make the shower water just a little bit hotter hoping that will somehow cure me and erase her touch. yea i know that makes no sense.
About 3 months after the breakup, i started talking to someone else, however this was when i noticed i started getting fetishized a lot. I was talking to this one girl, and she was cool, but i noticed she liked me a little too much for no reason. Come to find out, and i’m being dead serious, I’m 90% sure she only liked me because her dad was racist and she had issues with him. that’s still hurts my brain to think about tbh.
It’s been about 6 months since then and now, and I haven’t met anyone that seems genuine in getting to know me. While people like me on the surface, no one really cares to actually get to know me and it’s not helping my insecurities really (that whole situation with my ex doesn’t help at all).
I think partially the reason for all this is where I live, it’s mostly white, asians, and latinos, meaning me with darker skin doesn’t fit with the beauty standard. I tend to like women with darker skin more, so that’s who I try to talk to the most, but honestly i’ve noticed that if they aren’t black they try to distance themselves from blackness as much as possible, so it is what it is not much i can do about that.
All this has just worsened my insecurity that there’s just something deeply wrong with me i’m just no aware of. i know this insecurity is 99% irrational, that there’s probably nothing inherently wrong with me but it still eats away at me somtimes. To be fair for all you know, there is something deeply wrong with me.
If you have any advice please let me know i’m all ears, feel free to make jokes as well i like laughing.
I know this has been a long word vomit so if you read it all thank you, if you didn’t here’s the
TLDR: Trying to find a genuine partner who cares about me feels abnormally difficult, and it’s not helping my insecurities of not being worthy of love.

So I am 29 years old from Spain living in Germany. I have the A2 license issued in Spain for longer than 2 years. This allows me to ride bikes up to 100hp limited to 35kw.
Currently I ride a Ninja 650 and I am looking to transition to a CBR600RR. The thing is I need the A license in order to ride it.
In Spain, after 2 years of owning the A2 license you are allowed to take a 1 day course, theory and practice, to earn the A license.
In Germany though, after having owned the A2 license for two years you are automatically granted the A license.
My question is, in order to ride the CBR do I need to: 1. Go back to Spain to take my A license course 2. Take a test in Germany to be granted A license 3. Nothing, I can already ride as if I have A license per German laws
I'm mostly leaning towards the first option as it would be the most logical and easy but would like to see if anyone knows a bit more on this matter.
Edit: I'll probably head to a driving school around here to ask but was just curious as if anyone here could clarify before I do.

Been mewing for about 2 weeks now, somewhat hard.
When I first started, I found it quite easy to engage the back 1/3, but the last couple of days it has felt like Ive had to take my tongue further back, and also feels like there is more room for my to tongue at the palate. For examples sake, the tip of my tongue was touching the back of my front teeth at the beginning, but now it sits a little further back without touching.
Not sure if I'm just imagining this or if some genuine small bit of expansion is beginning to occur, but I've found that my tongue position has had to move back further in order to engage that back 1/3.
I've also been working on correcting forward head posture and kyphosis if that contributes at all.
Anyone have any insights here?

This took me around 2 hours to figure out, so I thought I'd share this with you. After creating a flightplan with SimBrief, and then trying to load it up through the FMC, it kept saying "Invalid .rte file". Turns out that even though Simbrief has the airport, the plane did not, and would not load the flight plan. This is how you manually add it. If flightsim is already loaded, you must restart the program. This confirms work with PMDG on MSFS2020 for Steam PC. (PMDG was purchased directly)
Open up the work folder in Appdata/Roaming/Microsoft Flight SimulatoPackages/pmdg-aircraft-xxx/work/NavData/ARPT_RWY
First figure out the LAT and LONG of the airport, I recommend going into the FMCWP folder which is within the NavData folder and opening up airports "work/NavData/FMCWP/NavaData/airports" and look for the airport that Simbrief does confirm have information on, and copy that Lat and Long.
If this is a fictional airport, I recommend just using google maps, find the spot, right click, and copy the Lat and Long by left clicking on it.
When you open up the ARPT_RWY folder, it will have a format like this.
AP;PCIS;CANTON ISLAND ;-2.770000;-171.713333;3
RW;09;-2.766449;-171.718512;0;0;92;92;6481
RW;27;-2.770681;-171.698206;3;0;272;272;6481
You must place the airport at the proper location by highest negative number, to highest positive number with Latitude sorting
Here are what the numbers mean.
Airport; ICAO; Name ;Lat ; Lon ; Elevation
Runway; Number; Lat at touchdown; Long at touchdown; elevation;ILS I think; Magnetic heading; Magnetic Heading I think again; Runway length
If you don't know the ILS just leave it at 0, and just repeat the magnetic heading again before the runway length, I'm not 100% on the 2nd to last number, but repeating the mag heading works just fine.
If anyone knows exactly what it is please share, and if anyone knows how to do this with Fenix A320, I would also love to know.

This is the most plausible answer. I think this is exactly how he did it using facts from sermons, emails, texts, news, interviews, maps, and extensive experience with parasitic Narcissistic sitic abuse. If there is anything that I am incorrect on please let me know and I will recalculate. After typing this up two days ago, I stumbled upon Mica’s father‘s interview, and it completely solidified it to the point where I started violently shaking. I think this is what happened.
I was told Winslow‘s property backs up against that state forest. 200 acres. Right down the road. Now remember. Somebody on his staff was told to go and trim back the overgrowth on that specific property shortly before all of this happened,
I think Mica at some point had conversation with Winslow and agreed to come and talk to him at his property, a “safe place JP wouldn’t know.”, thinking she could trust him. I think mica went to winslows and JP was waiting there for unknowingly.
I think Winslow has JP‘s phone and I think JP has Winslow‘s phone so they’re not gonna ping the towers. All they saw was the license plate they never verified He was actually there.
I think JP and Winslow met at a undisclosed location and swapped vehicles. JP went up to Winslow’s NC property with Winslow‘s vehicle and cell phone, and Winslow went down south with JP cell phone and truck. I can’t quite place the girlfriend, but she is an alibi therefore she is aware that something has happened or is going on. I cannot figure out whether or not Winslow was with JP and she took the vehicle down south either or we need to find out the location of where the girlfriend was and where Winslow was. That could all be found by bank financial records of the days in question. Nobody uses cash in 2024 for an entire getaway.
Didn’t they say he got a new truck? There was something new about the truck? Did he get a new one so it wouldn’t have any of Winslow’s DNA inside of it? If Winslow drove it, his DNA/finger prints on the steering wheel would easily be on the steering wheel. Why else would he need to drive Winslow‘s vehicle if there were indications, he was driving the vehicle. Now remember one of them is a lawyer he knows what they look for. JP‘s and Winslow‘s vehicles both need to be tested for gunpowder residue.
Mica shows up to Winslow’s property, JP is there with Winslow’s vehicle, ambushes her OR Winslow is there too and the girlfriend took her phone and truck south. He already has a plan of where he’s going to take her to unalive her before she arrives. JP drives Mica’s car with Mica in it to the final location parking lot, walks her into the woods kills her, puts her stuff down and walks back to Winslow property through the woods. Girlfriend says she was with him, I think she stayed at the property or she drove a vehicle to come get him after he was done if she was there. either way Winslow or girlfriend somebody picked him up or was waiting or he went back to the property and gotten Winslow‘s vehicle and left. Remember it’s not that far away..
Now, after reviewing the 911 recording again, I do not think it is AI. The biggest reason why I know it wasn’t AI is because if you listen to the fast response when asked for the phone number, there wasn’t enough time to record that and send it at the same time. So she replied too fast. Now, when have you ever heard a 911 operator asking somebody for their phone number? That never would have been written. You still have the type stuff in the AI creators. Also, she delayed pause between every number, how would she have replied in half the time it would have taken to type all of that out. Think about it, he would have had to type a number hit space type a number hit space over and over. In a rush I know I mess up you don’t think he would have messed up? He never would have been able to get that recorded smoothly quickly in the time it took for her to respond. Again, when have you ever heard of 911 asking for your phone number?. I believe he is in the car with her after they just left Winslows property. I believe he’s sitting right next to her in the car and allows her to make the call thinking it’s going to cover up everything and benefit him. She was sending out the whistle to her family and She’s trying to buy time for them to locate her. He knew to turn off the location because she mentioned She turned it on notice how it ended at that?. My point with this is at the end.
Logically speaking if she was purposely driving to that park, she would have known the name to GPS it. She would’ve known the name of the park to give the operator. That’s why she was pausing, probably looking to him to see where they’re at. That’s why she says “yes that’s it” cause he nodded. he had enough time to process what the operator was saying before Mica was able to answer that’s why she was able to reply quickly because the operator was speaking slowly. He heard the first word and nodded. She didn’t know, but now suddenly she knew? If she was going to purposely take her own life, and she really wanted her body found, why wouldn’t she have found the name of the park before she called to give them proper location?
She would have seen oh look it’s a park and read the sign and pulled into it. She didn’t know the sign because she was terrified because he was with her. She just knows she’s in a park.
I would possibly look to see if there was any dirt roads that led to where her vehicle is at back to Winslow’s property. That might be why she didn’t see a sign. I haven’t looked too much into that part but it’s a suggestion if anybody wants to do any homework.
SO That’s why the phone was put on airplane mode so cops wouldn’t track them into the woods at the site of the incident and he would be able to get away in time into the woods without being seen.
Also airplane mode was turned on while in the car, at the end of the 911 call, I think he took the phone put the airplane mode on which is why the airplane mode was put on because she mentioned it out loud specifically, he knew the cops were coming time to MOVE, can’t follow us to the woods though. THATS why there’s no bird sounds, they did it in the car after they got to the parking lot. I think subconsciously she thought knew this was going to happen. Kinda like I told my family this was going to happen, and then it clicked what she needed to do. He brought the phone with them to paint the picture. Why would she turn off her location herself if she wanted to be found? She was already going to enter her life right? She was obviously not going to wait a long time right? Listen to her voice when it got emotional when she said she was going to kill herself. If she was unsure, why did she skip up in the exact moment? She was almost free, she had fought so hard. When you’re almost free, what would make you think she would want to stop now? Listen to me clearly, he was in the car. She needed to send out a dog whistle to the people she had told she she told him she would admit to the suicide if she could have her body found. She knew she was going to die and she knew she needed to make sure her family could piece this together. Therefore the only plausible answer is he was in the car with her. She was emotionless probably because the gun was already on her, the phone was removed from her because she mentioned the airplane mode specifically he thought they can’t trace us out to the woods, airplane mode goes on. He walked out to the woods. He needed Time to get away and couldn’t have them knowing exactly where he was to go to first so he could escape right after.
Now he goes into the woods by possibly dragging her which is why she has a bruised wrist. That might be why she started crying. She might have tried to get away when she knew what was going to happen or that it was happening hence why there’s multiple rounds. This led to possible yanking, and then the gunshot, which is why the fisherman heard the crying. Then it was over. Put her in the water he placed her belongings and Then he walked back towards Winslow‘s property. I want to know if there’s a phone call between mica and Winslow, was this drive scheduled day of or days prior and gave enough time for it to be planned. I believe at that time he got back into Winslow’s vehicle met somewhere with Windlow switched vehicles again. JP going to his home and Winslow going back to his home. The funeral and everything was already preplanned and scheduled due to the fact they already knew what was going to happen and already had it pre-planned and needed to make sure it was swift and left no room for delay. Her family, knowing they would want to see her, he manipulated them into signing the cremation holding her body over their heads. Taunting them via text message blaming them to create the narrative. Otherwise, what would be the big deal of allowing them to see the body without needing something in exchange? He knew they would have questions afterwards. At that time all they had was the 911 call and a body, sometimes you need time to process. You know when something happens and then later on you’re like wait what? He wanted to make sure that body had no stop on the cremation process to get rid of all evidence before thosequestions inevitably came. He got ahead of it so there was no hiccup in delays because he knew he had to allow them to see the body to the public that would be the moral right thing to do. Not allowing them to see the body would be suspicious. He figured out how to make it work for both. He talks about laying with her body four times and trying to raise her from the dead, was this guilt or was it like when somebody puts a deer head on the wall?
Now remember, she has already been predisposed to trust Winslow. He mentions Winslow in an email to her previously, obviously showing that he & his wife were a trusted friend of hers as well. It’s 100% a possibility that Winslow told her to come up and talk where she was protected and JP wouldn’t find them, and Winslow left with the truck and met with JP and they switched. Winslow south, JP north. Winslow had asked his staff to clean up that overgrowth on the property. It being a wooded area, was this done so that the roadway was assessable for the plan? she probably drove down some type of dirt road, and he ambushed her in some manner. North Carolina Woods are dense, therefore easily to hide when she pulls over.
Now, how do I think that JP convinced Winslow to help, I believe JP convinced Winslow , Mica was going to tell on all of them and ruin their lives. This could have been backed up by the fact that all the documentation that she had previously collected had gone missing, and was brought to Winslow to paint Mica as an enemy so this was enough for him to convince Winslow that their future and freedom was inJeopardy. When JP was actually afraid she was going to tell on his abuse and life and ruin him. So they killed her to protect their life.
They said something yesterday about breaking news how they found that the notary was forged? Thats enough for me to draw speculation because it was done by Winslow that he is now in on the dirty dealings. He is a part of the actual dirty dealings against mica He knows something is being done wrong and he is condoning it.
That notary that was done on the power of attorney from mica was falsely notarized. Mica was not present for the notary. There was an article on earlier I was looking at but I was in information overload. I just know It was not legally notarized. This shows that Winslow does not have integrity. How far is he willing to go to protect JP and all of their secrets?
I think she told JP she just wanted her body to be found for her family and she would go without a fight. I believe that it was a dog whistle to her family. The clue they would need to know this wasn’t suicide. She told them and now she needed them to remember. She knew she was going to die and everybody needed to know about the gunshot specifically that she warned everyone about days prior. He didn’t know she told people close to her that that. That’s why her voice broke up when she said she was going to unalive herself. She did not want to die. She just wanted people to be able to solve the crime. She manipulated him into thinking he was going to get away with this because she is admitting to it being a suicide. Not knowing She had whistled what was going to happen, she needed people to listen. She offered up no extra information during the 911 call which then delayed the process hoping they would find her location. She told her dad days prior she’s getting a gun for protection. I think she got it before she drove up there just incase and the bruises on her hand may be him wrestling it from her. Maybe at arrival.
A search and rescue dog can smell from weeks to months after somebody has left the area, and if anybody can get something of his and be able to place him there in the woods, you have convincing beyond a reasonable doubt.
After writing this up yesterday when I was complete, I got super sick to my stomach. I was shaking. I could see it completely out in my head where all the facts completely aligned. I believe tthis is the only plausible theory there is.
What people need to realize at the end of the day the good attention and bad attention is still attention to a narcissist. He is enjoying the intention is getting from this primarily from getting away with it. That’s why I believe he visited her body four times after she was deceased. Because he already had a girlfriend, he already talked about going and getting a hot wife and then after she dies, he does an interview about how she’s the most incredible wife and supportive. He made the obituary about how awesome he thought she was to still collect her validation and the validation he got from being her husband because she was good. She was light and he was jealous of that. He wanted that that’s why he had that position. She loved him so much he claimed and how she was so wonderful he claimed yet she didn’t want him when she had a no contact order and wanted a divorce obviously, he wasn’t that. and if you guys don’t think he groomed her go to the memorial of life sermon and listen to the poem again. Now switch the words, “school” and “church.” And follow the story line.
He killed Mica Miller.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, I am constantly drained and I have lost all my desire to live, I just do it from inertia. I've read about narcissists and I started thinking that my partner may be one, but now I am so confused and I am starting to believe that maybe I am the narcissist, maybe I am the problem and I can't think straight.
I nag a lot about things that he refused to do, even if I asked him multiple times. And I'm referring to basic things for an functional adult - taking out the trash, cleaning after himself, washing his clothes. If I don't tell him to do it, he doesn't do it, if I tell him maybe he will do it but afterwards he would complain that I am always so negative (because I told him again to wipe off his piss from the bathroom floor), that I am always giving him chores (I do my part of household chores, I often do his part too). When I'm asking for help and I complain that I'm always taking care of the house on my own, and I'm so tired of repeating everyday the same things, I become this vile person -his words- who only wants to control him, who is always negative and upset, who is always nagging, who wants to destroy his mental health. He starts screaming, yelling, cursing me and my family, he tells me that he can't stand me anymore, that I should find another man, that he doesn't want me anymore and so on.
The next day he acts like nothing happened, like he did not verbally abuse me, like it is my fault and he is entitled to be mad at me. He expects me to say that I'm sorry and apologize profusely, even if he would not apologize for the things he says.
When we are in public after a fight -with friends or family, he acts very kindly towards me, and when we get home, his behavior shifts and he is giving me the silent treatment, or he is stonewalling me. It's like he is an entirely another person in public.
He often says mean things to me, and after 5-10 minutes he says no that's not the truth, I never said that. He denies all the things he does or tells and he is lying about what I do and tell. He would say that I sent him messages and called him names, and when I show him the conversations and ask him to show me when and where did I do that (because he lies), he shifts the conversation to another accusation, and he returns to the first accusation after a while (the name calling one), and then bounces back to another false accusation previously discussed, and he does that, throws false accusations at me, over and over again, until I am literally dizzy and too tired to defend myself and I give up.
He started a fight in front of his parents (after I told him that his behavior indicates that he is a narc) telling them that I am not normal, that I abuse him by saying that he is a narc, that I want to manipulate him by making kim think that he is a narc. He basically told them that I said that he is manipulative and abusing, without telling them that he doesn't allow me to speak, that he starts to yell at the slightest inconvenience, that he is cursing me and my family over the smallest things, that he sometimes wouldn't let me work, he would stay next to me and yell at me during my working hours (we both work from home), he wouldn't do anything for me, for our home, for our relationship, if I don't ask for it, and when I ask him, there's a big chance that he wouldn't do it and start a fight.
We unfortunately share a home and a mortgage. He threats me that he will leave, I says ok please do, and he doesn't do it. I want to break up with him, sell the house, pay the mortgage and split the remaining money, but he doesn't want it, even if when he is arguing to me he says ok let's sell it. When it comes to a serious discussion, he backs down. I feel stuck in this home with him, he doesn't want to leave/sell his part to me/sell the whole house. He only threats me with this because he thinks that this way I will shut up my mouth.
I think that he genuinely enjoys the conflict, the yelling the cursing. It's like fuel for him. He plays the victim card but the next day he rises and shines, he is literally unbothered by anything, he gives me the silent treatment, while I'm thinking, crying, trying to speak to him, trying to communicate, trying to find ways to talk about our relationship. Neah, nothing touches him.
I feel like everyday I'm running on a hamster wheel, everyday the same loops, nothing changes, nothing gets better. We fight, he hurts me, I cry and overthink about the fight, he acts normal, he would maaaybe buy me flowers and cook dinner, and the next time I bring up something that hurts me we start all over again. And so I began asking myself if I'm the problem, maybe all of it is in my head, I started doubting my actions and my words, I started thinking that maybe I'm mentally ill, but in the middle of the fights, when I hear how he speaks, how he curses me, how he makes fun of my parents I am convinced that this is not a normal response to my "please do the laundry". But after the fight he would deny that he said or spoke those words He would tell me that I have the blame for the way he is acting, and if I want him to be nice to me and not curse me, I shouldn't tell him negative stuff such as reminding him about house chores. After a fight I am so drained I cannot think straight, I cannot work, I cannot eat, I cannot do anything besides stare at the walls and cry.

Ok, while thinking over the events, and reading Feast for Crows, I found a specific line in a Cersei chapter that had me thinking.
I know most of us are aware that Blood was a former gold cloak brute who was hired by Daemon to carry out the murder of one of Aegon's sons, while Cheese was hired to help navigate the secret passages of the Red Keep, as a ratcatcher he knew them like the back of his hand. After the murder takes place, we know Blood is captured two days later at the Gate of the Gods with a bloody bag. He was severely tortured for 13 days, revealing that he was going to bring the head to Daemon at Harrenhal.
Now we know all the people involved were Daemon, Mysaria, Blood and Cheese. Daemon dies from splattering on the surface of the Gods Eye lake and becoming fish food most likely. Mysaria gets whipped to death and dies naked on the cobblestones, Blood is tortured for 13 days then dies, but Cheese is the odd one out that goes missing completely and never is mentioned again.
So it had me thinking, all of these people die but one of them just happens to get away scott free, never seen again conveniently. I at first thought it was just a simple plot hole that George forgot to go back to, but when reading over a Cersei chapter in Feast where it is describing Jaime's findings when searching for Tyrion in the walls, this excerpt is mentioned,
A passage to the black cells had been found, and a stone well that seemed to have no bottom. They had found a chamber full of skulls and yellowed bones, and four sacks of tarnished silver coins from the reign of the first King Viserys. They had found a thousand rats as well... but neither Tyrion nor Varys had been amongst them,
The basis of the theory I'm getting at, is that these yellowed bones are Cheese's, the sacks of coin are the payment he was given by Daemon through Mysaria most likely. Now how Cheese died is the big question. I think what happened is after the events of B&C took place, they fled back into the walls, into the deeper parts of the castle, Cheese led him to where he stashed the bags of silver before they went up to commit the murder. Cheese was in this for the money, not so much because of loyalty for Daemon. Blood was though, he was a brute and an idiot, I think he fatally wounded Cheese, didn't care about the money, he considered Cheese a loose end and may have been told to do it by Mysaria. He then left him there where he was found later by rats and consumed till nothing was left but rotten bones. Blood was alone because he had already disposed of Cheese. The thousand rats are a giveaway to this ratcatcher's fate also, most likely drawn to the remains.
Also fun extra detail but the chamber full of skulls was probably all the people who helped build the red keep in Maegor's era, who he killed, probably sealed them away deep in the castle, out of sight, out of mind.

Hey I’m quite new to the world of fragrances. Got my first two bottles just last year. I found a lot of joy in the whole experience of finding what I like. For my first bottles I chose Montblanc Legend (the black one) and YSL for men after I was lead to the men’s section. When both of those entered my nose I got chills on my arms and I knew I had to have them. Well this year I went with my wife with just the intent of enjoying the experience of looking (lol) and we tried quite a few. I got a whiff of Chanel No5 which my wife loved and Burberry Elixir. She had to have both. They were alright for me the Burberry is noticeably more intense. I ended up wanting to see what YSL Libre EDP felt like and the chills I got made all the hair on my body especially my head stand on end. I had to have it for myself, even though it was considered a feminine product I absolutely loved it. The top notes had a hint of minty freshness that reminded us of being at the dentist (wife hated that) but once that fades you’re left with something amazing in my opinion. I’ve noticed that after a while I do become a bit more calm when it comes to enjoying these scents, I absolutely love them but noticed the chills don’t come like the first time.
Which brings me to my question for you all, what are some scents that personally gave you chills? I love how everyone is different with their preferences it amazes me how we can all be so different with our sense of smell.

Can we have a chat about Tripps?
I don't think he's been the same player since whatever happened with the England camp and he came home early. His head has gone for whatever reason. For me, he's not our first choice right back, Tino is.
I said this in another thread, but I genuinely think he wanted to go to Germany in January and if he wants to go in summer we should cash in on him.
He was our first 'big' signing under the new owners and he did a lot for us. I used to hope he'd stick with us in a coaching role, but I think his time is up now.

Like flicking off a light, my energy is gone.
About to hit the 34 week mark and I feel like complete crap…
I’ve got reddish/brown circles all around my eyes. I’m not sleeping at night anymore and when I try to I’m wide awake. All the energy I’ve had has somehow exited my body. I’m over-emotional and sore. This kid is kicking me with all he’s got constantly and it makes me feel nauseous (I love him with all my heart and soul, I just need to let this out). I’m so tired and drained that I feel sick. My body is aching and no matter what position I’m in my body is complaining. This is our first so I also have everything running through my head along with excitement, fear, anticipation… you name it, I’m feeling it. Money is tight as my partner has been really unwell so hasn’t been able to work much these last 3 weeks and I’m on unpaid maternity leave but am doing good deliveries to help pay my own bills at least but it’s exhausting…
I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful, I honestly didn’t see this coming but I think I’ve hit a bit of a wall this last week and I gotta get it out. I’ve always told myself not to complain because if this was taken from me I would feel 100x worse but a girl’s got to vent…

I did my first EMDR session last Friday. We didn't work with memories this time. Instead it was on the phrase "I am alive and I am safe". We did the eye movement and tapping on this for about 5-10 mins and taking breaks in between for breathing exercises. After the 10 mins, i just automatically started crying. There was no memory or anything that triggered but i cried for a while. There is always a general feeling of heaviness in my chest and when i cry I feel light for like 30 mins and then it goes back and the same happened this time too. Other than this i didn't feel much after the session. Next day however there was a sense of uneasiness in the body and since that day I have been struggling with sleep a lot. And flashbacks have started just randomly throughout the day. If I manage to get some sleep I get nightmares and once I am up, I am just up. Most days i haven't been getting sleep at all. Just random things popping into my head all night.
Is this normal after the 1st session ? Or am I getting retraumatised? And how do I tell the difference?

Just want to point out the flairs for this also include violence and sexual assault, but couldn't figure out how to have more than the one Content Warning flair.
I'm a late-ish millennial, and I knew from about the age of 4 that something was off about me. I just didn't seem to define myself the same as other boys, or didn't like how other people defined me. It wasn't until I was about 8 or 9 that I nailed down what it was: something I learned in a Jerry Springer episode of all things - I was transgender. Technically transexual; transgender wasn't a common term back in the mid-90's. And it wasn't until I was 12 years old that I became brave enough to come out to my mother - with whom I had a much better relationship compared to my dad.
But allow me to back up and say that, without getting into too much detail, that I had a really rough childhood. When I was 6½, an older teenager boy that lived down the street from me fixated and basically molested me for about a year and a half. Any kink he wanted to try, and the list was extensive, he tried on me. I didn't tell anyone until I was about 24, but not because he threatened me or anything.. he just made me promise not to and for some stupid reason I didn't. I'll always wonder if I became transgender through this traumatic experience and I just created memories of times before that happened thinking I felt wrong in my body, or if those memories were authentic.
In any case, my plan to come out to my mom: we were the type of family to go camping a couple of times a year, and whenever we did my parents would get absolutely shitfaced, trashed, blackout drunk. My plan was to wait for my parents to get wasted, pull my mom aside, and come out to her so that I could gauge what her reaction would be sans filter, and then hope she didn't remember anything the next morning so that I could do so while she and my dad were sober.. and hopefully at least she would be on my side about it.
The plan worked perfectly - in a way. Her reaction was belligerent and violent. I told her "I don't feel like I should have been a boy. I'm a girl." and she at first dismissed it. When I pressed the issue, she smacked me rather hard and before I could get away she punched me in the chest which knocked us both over. That memory, at least, will forever be crystal clear to me; and by "the plan worked perfectly", she didn't remember anything about it the next morning, and I knew enough to not bring it up.
I feel like that's really when the gender dysphoria really spiraled my depression and anxiety out of control. I attempted suicide twice that year. I learned it's difficult to OD on ibuprofen, and when that didn't work I tried Advil, but my body rejected it and I puked it all up into a toilet. I'm pretty sure I fucked up my liver enough though because I can't drink alcohol.
After that I guess I just buried everything as deep inside of me as I could and just.. forgot about it. I grew up as just a normal boy, albeit depressed behind a facade of suave confidence. I was my high school's mascot until I graduated, joined the military, got out of the military, got engaged to a wonderful woman with the full intentions of starting a family. All of this is apparently very common for transwomen before their eggs crack - like we're so deep in denial that we do the things that society would expect us to do as men to continue the facade.
I attempted suicide again at 17: I tried cutting my wrists, but I'm a pansy when it comes to pain and didn't cut deep enough.. I took to wearing wristbands to cover the scar. And again when I was 22: I tried hanging myself in my closet and broken my clothes rack. Let me just say.. having a low enough self-esteem to completely override one's most basic instinct of self-preservation, and then FAIL at that as well, is the lowest.. like you hit rock bottom and still manage to dig deeper. And I was in denial during this time so I didn't know why I was depressed, but really, does anybody when they are? It's just a dark empty pit of apathy.
When I hit 23 years old, I met the woman that would become my wife. Things were going pretty good for a couple years - we had a healthy sex life, we genuinely enjoyed each other's company, we rarely if ever fought, and when we did we knew that communication was the key. We were swingers and enjoyed being young adults. Then sometime when I was 25.. everything started unburying itself. For such a stupid event, too. We had neglected laundry at some point and I didn't have any clean underwear, so as a joke she said to just wear some of hers.. so I did.
Something about putting on a pair of panties just.. felt right. Something so mundane, so seemingly meaningless to everyday life, struck me like a bolt of lightning and the trauma that was my childhood started coming back to the surface. I came out to my wife and.. well she wasn't thrilled. It almost ended the relationship, but honestly I was just excited she didn't automatically leave me that I was full steam ahead on researching all I could about transitioning. I was apparently going too fast for her, because she came up with a plan.. to offer me as much sex as she could to try and remind me just how awesome being a guy was. Turns out.. when you have a lot of sex without birth control.. you end up getting pregnant! Who'd have thought?! Well, she freaked out, but I sort of settled down with the transitioning thing and we communicated.
While she was pregnant with our first child, before she started showing, we got married. She was an only child, which she hated, and I have an older sibling, which sort of turned out okay, so after about a year or so we tried for a second child and it stuck. I didn't want to start HRT and my transition while she was pregnant with our second - the additional stress aside, but what if something also happened to the pregnancy? So I waited until our second child was born.
It didn't seem enough that I now knew why I was depressed, because regardless of that knowledge, I was still depressed. I tried another attempt when I was 27: I didn't want to fail again, and shooting yourself in the head seemed pretty final and fast, but my wife came in before I could go through with it, and she made an appointment with a psychologist that day.
My psychologist was a pretty cool person. I had heard horror stories of being made to wait like 6 months up to a year or more before being given a referral to an endocrinologist to start HRT, but after relating pretty much this whole story to her, she seemed pretty convinced that the sooner the better. I mean I was in my late 20's, and she could tell I wasn't talking to her just on a whim.
I started hormones early 2017 and have been on them ever since. My wife and I are doing well. Despite being on testosterone blockers murdering my sex drive at first, it's come back by now and we're doing kind of spectacular. My eldest child is almost a preteen and .. things are actually going really really good in my life. My parents and sibling are kinda weirded out about it, but I beat my sibling in giving them grandkids, so as messed up as that seems I think that's why they really tolerate(more than accept) me in their lives. And as far as I know, they're not aware of any of the suicide attempts.
Anyway.. figured I'd get that off my chest.