Hey! I’m a junior in college and I’ve just started studying for the LSAT. I have a 3.8 GPA, am president of a pre-law organization, vice president of the English honor society (Sigma Tau Delta), a writer for the school newspaper, a legal assistant at a law firm local to me whenever I’m on break, and a server while at school.
I have been so nervous to start applying next year because of an event from my freshman year. In January of 2023, I was roofied at a festival and began acting strange/aggressive, which called the attention of law enforcement. I have no memory of the event, but pushed away an officer after he put his hand on my shoulder (from what has been described to me) and was subsequently arrested for battery against a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest with violence, and public disturbance.
The charges have since been dismissed through pre-trial intervention and are being expunged now. I know some schools require me to disclose even expunged records, but should I report my record even if the school does not ask about expunged charges?
Also, should I explain that I was roofied (which was proven with a drug test) and have never shown signs of aggression prior or after this event? My goal has always been a T20, and I felt I could get into a good school with my stats, especially if I can get an LSAT that is 170+, but I am so scared my record will eliminate my chances.
Do I still have a shot at a prestigious school and how should I go about disclosure when schools don’t ask about expunged records? My top choices have been Berkeley, Florida, UCLA, UVA, and Georgetown if that helps. I graduate in Fall 2025 and will be applying for the Fall 2026 cycle.

I am a FTM to a perfect 7 month old (she’ll be 8 months in 8 days which is impossible to wrap my head around). I love her so much I could cry, but at the same time, I feel tired, rundown and not myself. My postpartum journey so far is not what I imagined so many months ago while I stroked my bump and waxed poetically about how magical motherhood would be. And it is magical- but it’s so much more, and some of that more is hard.
My labour was very hard, I had a failed epidural, 3rd degree tears and pushed for over four hours. I know none of that is out of the ordinary, but nothing could have prepared me for how traumatized I felt post birth. I felt shaken, scared and defeated. Although I knew I should have been proud of myself I felt myself detach. I felt I wasn’t cared for during labour. No one believed me I was dilated and refused to check my cervix for 3 hours. They were shocked when I was 10cm dilated- as if I didn’t know a head was engaging my cervix. The nurses after were very dismissive. No one helped me latch her, and when I asked for help, they just shoved her at my breast aggressively until she latched. But we had issues with it right away. Everytime I asked for help I was treated as a nuisance.
I was released 36 hours after giving birth, which I know is standard. I was told she had lost too much weight, but I needed to source a lactation consultant myself, I needed to supplement with formula, and to watch her jaundice.
Once home I couldn’t get her to latch more than 1-2 times a day. I knew I wasn’t making much, so she would get frustrated. I worked with the lactation consultant - I never made enough milk. I had tests done, I latched her, I had her mouth assessed, I took domperidone - I would sob endlessly feeling like a failure that I couldn’t feed my baby. When I pumped, which I did every 2-3 hours around the clock I never produced more than an ounce.
No one warned me domperidone could cause mental health issues - as soon as I started it I felt awful. My stomach was a mess, I couldn’t breathe I was so anxious. I became depressed I imagined driving into the lake, and thought how nice it would be to just not wake up. How much better my daughter would be with anyone else but me. I ended up going to the hospital and was categorized as having a severe mental health crisis and with the help of an amazing team and good ol’ Zoloft I found my way out of the sludge that was swallowing me whole and whispering horrific ideas to my brain. I felt the air return to my lungs. I felt joy again.
Not once have I ever not loved my daughter, she is the light of my life, and the love I feel for her is more profound that I could explain. But sometimes I miss the old me, while i gently embrace the new me.
I have a triple prolapse that appeared 8 weeks postpartum. It’s been painful, has caused a couple infections, and killed my confidence. I will need a surgery, but I need to decide if I want more kids and when , as it can impact many factors.
The prolapse, and not being able to breastfeed has made me feel like less of a woman, I’ll be honest. I feel ashamed of my body.
Sometimes I am so proud of myself. I know I am a good mom, and I wouldn’t change being a mom for the world- but these health complications, and these mental health issues are tiring. It’s hard to embrace being a mom when I’m living in what feels like a broken body. I feel guilty that I enjoy the reprieve of nap time and putting up my feet and reading. Count consumed me when she falls asleep at night and I feel giddy for a few hours of me time.
I exist between two worlds now : loving being a mom and figuring out who I am now , because I know mom is not all I am, but it certainly finds its way into all I do.
I know no journey to motherhood is easy- I wanted to write this because it’s hard to talk about. But it’s ok to not love every aspect of being new mom.
I still feel guilt sometimes I can’t breastfeed and she’s been formula fed since 6 weeks exclusively.
I feel guilt when I feel a little overwhelmed.
I feel guilt when I get a few hours out of the house alone and love it.
I feel guilt for missing my old body even though this one made a whole life and I should be nothing but kind to it.
I feel guilt for being in the trenches during the newborn stage and not fully diving into it.
I feel guilt for looking forward to nap and bedtime some days.
But then, when she is sleeping, I always miss her and look at the monitor and feel love, and I remember that I’m doing ok at this mothering thing.
And so are you!

Introduction

In today's fast-paced world, prioritizing health has become more crucial than ever. Achieving optimal health encompasses various aspects of physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This comprehensive guide aims to provide you with the tools and knowledge necessary to embark on a journey toward a healthier lifestyle.

Define the Concept of Optimal Health

Optimal health refers to a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being, not merely the absence of disease or infirmity. It encompasses lifestyle choices, preventive measures, and proactive healthcare practices aimed at enhancing overall quality of life.

Importance of Prioritizing Health

Incorporating healthy habits into daily routines can lead to numerous benefits, including increased energy levels, improved mood, enhanced productivity, and reduced risk of chronic diseases. Prioritizing health not only benefits individuals but also contributes to a healthier society as a whole.
Types and Categories of Health
Understanding the different classifications and types of health conditions is essential for developing tailored approaches to maintaining well-being.
Physical Health
Physical health relates to the proper functioning of the body and its organs. It involves aspects such as nutrition, exercise, sleep, and regular medical check-ups.
Mental Health
Mental health encompasses emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It involves coping with stress, maintaining positive relationships, and seeking support when needed.
Emotional Health
Emotional health refers to the ability to recognize, express, and manage one's emotions effectively. It involves self-awareness, resilience, and healthy coping mechanisms.
Social Health
Social health pertains to the quality of relationships and interactions with others. It involves communication skills, empathy, and a sense of belonging within a community.

Symptoms and Signs of Poor Health

Recognizing the symptoms and signs of poor health is the first step toward addressing underlying issues and implementing necessary interventions.
Physical Symptoms
Physical symptoms may include fatigue, persistent pain, changes in appetite or weight, and frequent illnesses or infections.
Mental and Emotional Symptoms
Mental and emotional symptoms may manifest as mood swings, persistent sadness or anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and social withdrawal.
Behavioral Signs
Behavioral signs of poor health can include unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, excessive screen time, and avoidance of social interactions.

Causes and Risk Factors Contributing to Poor Health

Identifying the underlying causes and risk factors associated with poor health empowers individuals to make informed decisions and adopt preventive measures.
Biological Factors
Biological factors such as genetics, age, and pre-existing medical conditions can influence an individual's susceptibility to certain health issues.
Environmental Factors
Environmental factors including pollution, toxins, and access to healthcare resources can impact overall health outcomes.
Lifestyle Choices
Lifestyle choices such as diet, physical activity, smoking, and alcohol consumption play a significant role in determining one's health status.

Diagnosis and Tests for Health Conditions

Timely diagnosis and appropriate testing are essential for identifying health conditions early and initiating timely interventions.
Medical Tests and Screenings
Medical tests and screenings may include blood tests, imaging studies, physical examinations, and specialized assessments tailored to specific health concerns.
Diagnostic Tools
Diagnostic tools such as medical history evaluations, symptom assessments, and diagnostic criteria are used by healthcare professionals to formulate accurate diagnoses.

Treatment Options for Various Health Conditions

Treatment options for health conditions vary depending on the nature and severity of the issue. They may include medical interventions, therapeutic modalities, and lifestyle modifications.
Medical Treatments
Medical treatments may involve medications, surgeries, or other procedures aimed at addressing underlying health issues and alleviating symptoms.
Therapeutic Interventions
Therapeutic interventions such as physical therapy, psychotherapy, and counseling can help individuals manage symptoms and improve overall well-being.
Lifestyle Adjustments
Lifestyle adjustments encompass changes in diet, exercise routines, stress management techniques, and sleep hygiene practices aimed at promoting optimal health outcomes.

Conclusion

In conclusion, achieving optimal health is a multifaceted journey that requires dedication, commitment, and informed decision-making. By prioritizing physical, mental, and emotional well-being, individuals can enhance their quality of life and thrive in all aspects. Remember to consult with healthcare professionals and prioritize self-care practices to embark on a path toward lifelong health and wellness.
Ready to prioritize your health and embark on a journey toward optimal well-being? Start implementing the strategies outlined in this guide today and take the first step toward a healthier, happier you!

TW: past medical abuse, mentions of miscarriage, preemie baby and Nicu stay.
This is my second baby, and my last! He was due in early May. Two years previously, I had his older sister at 36 weeks, so I knew that there was a possibility of going into labor early. So I scheduled my maternity leave at school to start at around 36 weeks, thinking if I relax I could keep him in for another week or so and have a full-term baby. Nope!
I had had a lot of previous issues with this pregnancy, like a hemorrhaging incident at 10 weeks in which we thought I had a miscarriage, some continue to bleeding and cramping at different points in my pregnancy, and a premature loss of my mucus plug. I was told each time that everything's fine and there's no sign of anything wrong and he should be a healthy full term baby. I felt like everyone around me thought I was being dramatic or looking for attention, but I really just wanted my baby to be okay and had this constant feeling that something wasn't right. Well, something wasn't right.
I, just like with my daughter, spontaneously went into labor at 34 weeks. PPROM, with my water breaking impressively around midnight at home. We of course we're not expecting this, so my husband ran to a neighbor to get them to come house sit until his mother could arrive to watch our sleeping toddler upstairs, and we drove to the hospital. I originally had wanted to drive myself because I just didn't want to leave our daughter without a parent at home, but I was gushing so much water that I couldn't hardly string two words together, let alone walk.
We got to the hospital, went into the emergency room entrance because it was after hours, and went to labor and delivery triage. Won't behold, I'm a couple centimeters dilated and in labor. The nurse I had was pretty rough giving me a cervical check, and it was the only one I've ever had between the two children have given birth to that hurt. The same nurse also failed to get my IV port in and left in half, and thankfully another nurse who wasn't in a bad mood came in and got it on the 4th attempt. My poor arms were covered in massive bruises for a couple weeks afterwards. Amazingly we were put in the same in sweet Nicki room as we were for my daughter 2 years ago, good old room 350!
Labor progressed well I'm without need for any intervention, like pictocin. I handled the contractions better than I did with my first, but wanted to make sure I got my epidural before I progressed to pass the point of no return-- I in no way wanted to experience the feeling of possibly ripping my vagina 🫠
It was really tough mentally, getting my epidural. With my first baby, the anesthesiologist was horrible. You can look at my previous birth story if you want the full rundown, but he assaulted me, so I was really nervous this time around. The nurse caught on that I was feeling apprehensive, and with talking to her I came to found out that the previous anesthesiologist had been fired for assaulting multiple women the same way he did me! Really hope he never works again. They brought in the new anesthesiologist, and he was the most gentle and kind person! It went very smoothly, and it was nice to have a relief from the contractions and pressure.
I was hoping I could maybe rest or even nap once I got my epidural in like I did was my first. But nope, 10 minutes later I was being told he is right there and ready to come out, about half a day after labor started. I don't know why, probably because he was so little, but he was incredibly easy to push out. I was told to stop pushing, and not push so hard, and got him out in about three gentle but steady pushes. Thankfully I had no damage at all, no tearing or even bruising or swelling. After my epidural wore off it literally just felt like I had written a bike for the first time in a while. As immensely grateful, because I was going to be run through the ringer taking care of my family and a Nicu baby.
When he first came out, my son was very small, yes, but incredibly pink, very lively and noisy, and he peed all over me immediately lol. They let him have extra time with his cord before they clamped it due to him being early, and I got to do my wonderful hour with him before they wished him over to the NICU attachment of the room. He had respiratory distress for the first 24 hours of his life, which was gut-wrenching to watch. He could not regulate his body temperature at all, so unless he was snuggled under many blankets on me, He stayed on the warmer. He couldn't eat by himself so his NG tube was placed and used for the majority of his stay. His blood sugar was monitored very religiously, and it was so tough watching his little feet be pricked over and over and over.
I was released after 2 days from the hospital, and I probably could have been released earlier but I wanted to stay officially as a patient for a little longer. It was hard, being away from my toddler daughter was a special kind of hell. But then when I was with her, my heart was torn to pieces that I wasn't with my baby. No matter where I was, I felt horrible guilt. I triple fed, pumping every 3 hours, and if I was a NICU nursing him before they topped him up with his special increased calorie premium formula. Any milk I produced was fortified to give to him as well. He steadily lost weight despite them constantly increasing the size of a speeds, the point of him constantly spitting up from having way too much in his tummy. But I was told that this is just what they do until they start gaining weight. I was told with preemies that they just won't put on weight for the longest time, and then suddenly start putting it on, and suddenly eating on their own.
I was starting to lose hope of that, when on about the 10th day he put on weight overnight. They took out his tube and we worked on feedings with him, which he seemed to struggle so hard with. But then just like with the weight, he suddenly started eating well. On day 12 we could take him home! In a way it was even harder at home to keep up with the pumping, fortifying the milk I pumped myself, mixing the special recipe of extra calories preemie formula, and nursing. He gained weight so well that I was given the okay after a few days at home to stop pumping if I didn't want to. I very gratefully stopped pumping
. He eventually started showing signs of a milk protein intolerance, just like my daughter had, and just like I had as a baby. It was no surprise to me when he was put on hypoallergenic formula. We're still dealing with all of that right now, with me trying to keep dairy out of my diet and struggling with the decision of whether I want to keep combo feeding or just switch over completely formula. He will be 2 months old in about a week and he is put on 4 lb so far, almost doubling his birth weight!
Right now we are also struggling with his head shape. This was new to me, because my first born head no issues with any flat spots or head shape at all. But being in NICU, they always faced him in the same direction, facing the nursing station when I was not there. He developed a tendency to put his head to the right, and developed a bit of flat spot. We've been working with him on tummy time, gently repositioning his head the other way, and just doing everything in our power to help correct this... All to know avail. His spot has gotten worse, and we are fairly certain that he will be getting a helmet soon. I know it's no big deal, but apart me feels like I failed somehow 😭 his poor, cute little lopsided noggin 🥺 otherwise, besides his head shape and figuring out his dairy intolerance, he's doing well!
I've tried multiple times to figure out why my babies were born so early, why my body couldn't keep them in to be full term. The OB had no answers for me and just sort of shrugged her shoulders at it, saying that since I showed no signs of having an incompetence cervix or anything else, it was just something that we'd never know why. She was relieved though to hear that we did not plan to have any more children, as that would have made things a bit more complicated given my history of early birth.
It's hard of me is sad that I'm not having any more children, but the possibility of having another preemie baby, especially one even younger than my first two, is sobering. I will just enjoy my two very healthy and happy babies I have 💕

Hi Doctors! I'm female, 42 years old. 5 foot 1, 103 lbs. Nil other medical hx. Nil medications. Nil supplements. I had a colonoscopy done last year (July 2023) due to hx of intermittent abdominal pain flares occuring every few weeks to months which are accompanied by high abdominal pain, diarrhea, gas, malaise - improvement to symptoms after having bowel movement. Lingering abdominal pain for days to few weeks after a flare. This started in 2021 (though 2019 had an episode of suspected food poisoning but presented similar to early flares). And the first few flares presented with bright red blood in stool (2019-2021) but now commonly presents with large amount of white mucus on occasion. Plenty of diagnostics done - last year the fecal calprotectin was around 150 (elevated). ANA has tested positive since 2020. All other bloodwork normal. Recent celiac screen is negative (eating several slices of sourdough bread daily x weeks prior to test). First colonoscopy and biopsy ruled clear and no polyps. Also had an ultrasound of the small intestine and nil abnormalities seen. Nil signs of active disease of IBD. Given label of IBS. No worsening of symptoms, perhaps flares happening closer together but I'm able to get out of a flare within days now. PRN gas-x and buscopan with a flare. I was offered a repeat colonoscopy this month. I'm uncertain whether to go ahead with same. Weighing if this would be more helpful or harmful (unnecessary anxiety, risk of procedure, prep itself). First gastroenterologist said it's IBS. Only major difference is that I was eating nil to very minimal gluten prior to first colonoscopy and I am now eating much more gluten via bread. Still limited diet but working on expanding this. Any input is so appreciated. As a nurse myself, I want to make sure I am making the right choice. *just to add, in Canada the wait time for a colonoscopy is about 1-2 years so I don't want to dismiss an opportunity if it is needed. Thank you!

Hi Everyone! I've been getting some DM's after the score release thread yesterday, and it seems like it might be helpful for some to hear my experience with the test, so here we go.
BACKGROUND: I'm a US MD student at a T20 who is not top of the class in anything.
THIRD YEAR: Throughout clerkships, I used a pretty standard way for studying for every shelf exam. I would do all of the anki found within the most up-to-date version of the AnKing step 2 deck, did all the Uworld for the clerkship once, re-did all of my wrongs on uworld, then took as many CMS's for that subject as I could. I'd throw in a couple review videos from Emma Holliday and Divine here and there, but overall this was the setup. Generally scored about 85th percentile or so on those, and ended up scoring 74% on this first pass of uworld.
DEDICATED: Gave myself 5 weeks to study for it just to have a little more flexibility in how hard I went each day. On average I bet I spent around 8 hours studying each day, except for practice test days where it was more like 12ish.
Anki: I reset the step 2 AnKing deck at the very beginning of dedicated and set the due date for two days before my test. This came out to ~800-1200 review cards/day, which I mainly did at the gym while on the treadmill or in between sets. I also made anki cards for my wrong answers on Uworld and NBME's, which came out to about 800 cards total.
Practice Questions: Uworld is still king. I did around 80-120 questions/day on timed testing mode nearly every day that I was not taking a practice test. I would do all of these questions in a row in the morning and review them later in the afternoon at lunch. For reviews, I would honestly skim through the ones I got correct unless there was a knowledge gap, and read through everything on those I got wrong + make an anki card. Ended up getting through 45% and scoring 85% on this. Only other practice questions I relied on were the AMBOSS high yield risk factors, ethics, 200 concepts, and vaccine/screening blocks, which I did during my first week of dedicated.
Practice Tests: Do as many of these as you can. Both UWSA's and NBME's are great, but if you're in a bind and can't do both, I would focus on the NBME's since questions seem more alike to those seen on the test. I also tried my best to take and review the tests on the same day so I had a better recolleciton of my thinking during questions, but idk if this helped that much and it was brutal getting through on some days. Here's the order I did them and my scores:
NBME 9: 244 (35 days out), NBME10: 253 (28 days out), NBME11: 260 (21 days out), UWSA 1: 260 (18 days out), UWSA 3: 255 (13 days out), Old New Free 120: 91% (11 days out), NMBE13: 264 (10 days out), NBME14: 261 (7 days out), UWSA 2: 268 (5 days out).
I did these in this order based off the recommendation of some friends who had taken the exam previously, but I don't think there's a right answer. I also didn't take NBME 12 because I heard horror stories (I'm just a scared little guy) or the old old Free 120 since I heard it wasn't super representative at this point. SUPER IMPORTANT BOLDED POINT - I would normally take 1-2 days following my practice tests doing uworld specifically on the areas that were weaker based on my test result. I think doing this really helped keep things efficient.
Podcasts: Divine Intervention and Emma Holliday are the truth. For DI I listened to the rapid review series (there's a good spotify playlist if you type in "divine intervention rapid review") and the QI episodes. I also listened to all the Emma Holliday episodes by the end of dedicated. I mostly did this passively while exercising or cooking.
Day before test: This video right here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJgjMZk8\_To) is sweet. I followed a lot of the tips and found them helpful. Waking up early at 5 am and exercising helped a lot in terms of sleeping and calming my nerves. I also did NOTHING to study that day and recommend you do too. If you have to do something, try to keep it relatively light.
Day of Test: Got to the testing center half an hour early. I also had plenty of water with me and tons of different protein bars (shoutout kirkland brand protein bars) which I ate from during each break. The video I linked recommends having just a small cup of coffee before the exam to keep nerves stable, but if you're like me and a straight up caffeine junky you can do what I did and take caffeine pills before and during the test. I ended up taking one (200 mg) right before, another (200 mg) after three blocks, and a final (200 mg) after six blocks. Yeah I know that's a lot stop looking at me like that. For breaks I took my first after two blocks, one after the third, a longer one after the fourth, one after the sixth, and a final short one after the seventh. I will bold the following because I think this is what gives people an edge on test day, try to poop before the test begins. Nothing worse than thinking about that while trying to perform. Other than that, just be nice to the testing center folks.
OTHER STUFF: Try your best not to burn yourself out studying. Only you know what your capacity is, so strive towards maxing that out and no more than that no matter what those around you say. Also, try your best to eat healthy and exercise at least 3 days a week. Doesn't matter how you exercise, but just getting some movement is super helpful. I found going to the gym and mixing in anki was effective and efficient, but you do what's best for you. Last thing, try to find a hobby you can do at night after you're done studying. Mine was video games and seeing friends, but you do whatever makes you happy.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This test sucks man. It's long, the questions can be vague, and its stressful. That said it's also doable (especially compared to Step 1). The most important part is just doing your studying consistently and keeping yourself sane. That's easier said than done, but its definitely possible to do it. In the end, a lot of what happened in my case was just the form I got falling into my strengths, but being consistent with your studying and working on your weak areas through Uworld sets you up to be lucky.
tl;dr: 80-120 uworld questions/day, reset step 2 anking and set due date to near test date, take NBME's and UWSA's, hit weak areas, find a stress reliever, be cool to yourself, poop before test.
Put the word out that we all back up. Hope this helps someone.

Hi there! I had a colonoscopy done last year (July 2023) due to hx of intermittent abdominal pain flares occuring every few weeks to months which are accompanied by high abdominal pain, diarrhea, malaise - improvement to symptoms after having bowel movement. Lingering abdominal pain for days to few weeks after a flare. This started in 2021 (though 2019 had an episode of suspected food poisoning but presented similar to early flares). And the first few flares presented with bright red blood in stool (2019-2021) but now commonly presents with large amount of white mucus on occasion. Plenty of diagnostics done - last year the fecal calprotectin was around 150 (elevated). ANA has tested positive since 2020. All other bloodwork normal. Recent celiac screen is negative (eating several slices of sourdough bread daily x weeks prior to test). First colonosvopy and biopsy ruled clear and no polyps. Nil signs of active disease of IBD. Given label of IBS. No worsening of symptoms, perhaps flares happening closer together but I'm able to get.out of a flare within days now. I was offered a repeat colonoscopy this month. I'm uncertain whether to go ahead with same. Weighing if this would be more helpful or harmful (unnecessary anxiety, risk of procedure, prep itself). First gastroenterologist said it's IBS. Only major difference is that I was eating no gluten prior to first colonoscopy and I am now eating much more gluten via bread. Still limited diet but working on expanding this. Any input is so appreciated. As a nurse myself, I want to make sure I am making the right choice. *just to add, in Canada the wait time for a colonoscopy is about 1-2 years so I don't want to dismiss an opportunity if it is needed. Thank you!

The people involved (names are changed):
Jake – me
Tom – my flatmate
Kath – Tom’s girlfriend
Emily – Kath’s flatmate
TLDR (but context is very important for how the situation develops):
· Me and Emily get with each other at a party.
· It turns out Kath had forbidden Emily from getting with me. Since Emily went and did it anyway, Kath falls out with her.
· Kath ends her friendship with Emily. Me and Emily continue seeing each other.
· When I plan to go to see Emily at their apartment, Tom tells me that Kath is in a really dark place mentally, and the thought of me and Emily being there together while Kath’s there is triggering her anxiety, so he asks me not to go over.
· Me and Emily follow these instructions for months, all whilst Tom and Kath continue coming and going to either of our apartments as they please.
· Emily eventually gets in touch with Kath to try and understand exactly why me coming over is an issue, since Kath has no problem coming to my place. Kath has a meltdown due to this and it makes her suicidal.
· Tom falls out with me because I knew about the messages that caused his girlfriend to feel suicidal.
(Skip to 'Late April' if you want to go straight to the crux of this post, but I do think it's quite an entertaining read).
Background Context
Me and Tom (both mid-twenties) have lived together in our apartment since I moved to the city last year. I’ve known him for several years and would put him in my inner circle of closest friends, so living with him was all just good chill vibes as expected - or at least it was for the first six months.
I met Tom’s girlfriend of several months, Kath, for the first time pretty soon after moving in. Although she was kind of shy, I thought she seemed nice enough. I noticed that Kath would seem to lean on Tom a fair amount when it came to support for her mental health (she had been diagnosed with anxiety), which of course is normal as her boyfriend. On one occasion, she had a particularly bad anxious episode during a group hangout, with Tom consoling her about it afterwards. Following this, Tom seemed exhausted, saying to me “I’m not a professional, I’m not equipped to deal with all this mental health stuff. She needs help from someone who can adequately help her deal with these thoughts. When she blows things out of proportion and she stresses out to me about her anxiety, it just ends up making my own anxiety worse”. He also said that he had even offered to pay for therapy for Kath, but she didn’t want to accept it.
I just felt bad for Tom, especially since I had some understanding of what he was going through. I had previously had a girlfriend who had anxiety/depression/BPD and put all her mental health issues on me. That girlfriend was also very manipulative and would mention suicidal thoughts any time she started feeling like she was losing control over me (just to be clear, there was no indication that Kath was acting in a manipulative way towards Tom at that point). In my experience, when you end up in a situation where you’re essentially acting as someone’s full-time personal mental health counsellor, it hardly ever ends well.
At some point in January, I met Kath’s “bestie” flatmate, Emily. I remember thinking she was cute, seemed nice and easy to talk to. We all hung out as a group a few times that month and I thought there may have been a little bit of a vibe between me and Emily.
So as you do, I slid into Emily’s DMs and basically let her know I was interested. I messaged her a week or two before our party that her and Kath were coming to, but her response was lukewarm so I just thought she probably wasn’t interested.
For context, I had recently broken up with my girlfriend in January, who had just got back from travelling for the last 6 months. Things in that relationship weren’t great before she even went travelling, and during the months she was away I had come to terms with the fact that it was best to end it. I waited until she was back to say it in person, as I didn’t want to drop that on her while she was travelling and ruin that once in a lifetime experience. However, deep down I knew I had wanted talk to other girls and explore new connections for the last few months, but obviously I didn’t want talk to anyone until it was cleanly over. Me messaging Emily was only a few days after breaking up with her, which I guess isn’t great, but in my head I had been ready to move on for a while, I saw no point in putting an arbitrary time limit on myself. I made sure to explain this context when I messaged Emily so that she was aware of my recent circumstances.
The Party (End of January)
So me and Emily end up getting with each other at the party. Initially, when I brought up me messaging her, she said “I think you’re cute, but I think it’s best we just be friends for the next couple months, since you just recently got out of a relationship, and we can see what happens afterwards”. But as the night went on, I guess Emily changed her mind, because as we kept talking it got increasingly flirty and we ended up getting together. Perfect end to the night, right? Not exactly.
At one point when Emily goes to the bathroom, she comes back into my bedroom saying “Kath is furious at me”. I ask why, and she says that Kath had basically forbidden her from getting with me.
Back when I first messaged Emily, she had of course shown Kath the messages straight away. It turns out Kath for some reason had a really intense reaction to this and was like “I can’t believe he has the audacity to hit on my best friend right after breaking up with his girlfriend! It’s so disrespectful using you as a rebound, it’s disrespectful to his ex and it’s disrespectful to me for hitting on my best friend like this! He was the only one of Tom’s friends that I actually liked but he’s ruined that too now!”.
Apparently, Kath had been used as a rebound before and this was triggering for her, so she didn’t want her best friend to be used as a rebound. She said “you can’t get with him, Emily, that’s my boundary.” Emily was a bit taken aback by the intensity of this reaction and was just a bit like “umm okay…?”. She tried a few times before the party to understand a bit more about why Kath had such a problem with it but didn’t get much further explanation than that.
Now, I agree that Emily was in the wrong for saying to Kath that she wouldn’t get with me and then went and did it anyway, and Emily also acknowledges this. Emily should have said from the start she wasn’t okay with this weird “boundary” Kath had set. It was a bit cowardly. Although given how intensely Kath overreacts to things, I can understand why Emily initially just agreed to whatever she was saying to calm her down. I can also understand how when you’re at a party having fun, drinking and realise that you do actually have a good vibe with the person, in the moment you might change your mind and be like “actually fuck that, who the fuck is she to tell me who I can and can’t get with?”.
Kath saw this as Emily having no respect for their friendship, by choosing some guy she’d just met over her. From Emily’s perspective she was choosing herself, choosing not to follow these nonsensical rules that had been imposed on her, and she was just tired of Kath overreacting to everything and trying to control her.
In my opinion, being this controlling for no good reason is pretty disrespectful in itself. Given that Kath’s reason for telling Emily not to get with me was because she didn’t want her to be used as a rebound…well that’s Emily’s risk to take, isn’t it? I can see how from Emily’s perspective, she knew Kath might not be happy about it, but it’s also not some deep betrayal, since based on the reason Kath gave, the consequence would only be on Emily herself. Emily had the exact same knowledge about my recent relationship status as Kath did, so why did Kath think she can tell her what to do?
As we get to further into this post and the real reason why Kath set this “boundary” is revealed, you will see why I actually think any argument Kath has against Emily for getting with me at the party is automatically void, but we will learn these details as they come.
Start of February
After the events of the party, Kath didn’t want to talk to Emily the next day when she tried to initiate communication via message (Kath tends to avoid in-person confrontation). Fair enough, Emily gave her space. Me and Emily spend the next day together just talking and getting to know each other more, and it’s clear that we vibe together and both feel very comfortable with each other, which is pretty rare for both of us.
I don’t see Tom for the first few days after the party, as he had been staying at Kath’s. When I do, I’m a bit surprised that he didn’t think much of Kath’s reaction at the party. He says “yeah I probably should have warned you about this beforehand”. We both agree that Emily was in the wrong for going back on what she said, but also that Kath shouldn’t have tried to control her like that. He did say “sorry I know this put you in an awkward position”.
A few days after the party, Emily again tries to get in touch with Kath via message.
Emily’s message essentially apologised for her actions, saying she was in the wrong for going back on what she said, and that she should have said from the start that she wasn’t happy with this “boundary”. She also said that Kath shouldn’t have tried to dictate her life and tell her what to do, especially when it’s something that’s none of her business, and that she is going to continue seeing me, taking the risk of being a “rebound”.
Kath’s response essentially said the whole incident at the party was only a small part of why she exploded so intensely, this was just the last in a long line of things Emily had done in the past which she had not forgiven her for. This was just the last straw for Kath because “it hit so close to home, so close to the love of my life”. She wanted things to be civil between them until the end of their tenancy, but this was essentially the end of their friendship.
Okay good, Kath flipping out so badly now finally made a bit more sense to me. Obviously, I wanted to know what Emily had done that was so bad to cause this, as any indicators of bad character would inform whether I choose to keep talking to her.
Emily went through these, explaining that these were incidents from their past that they had discussed at the time, dealt with and moved on from. I have cut these out for the word limit as they don’t add much to this post, but it was the most minor, nonsensical things (I can explain in the comments if anyone wants details).
In any case, I wasn’t particularly interested in what mistakes Emily might have made months or years ago, I was more interested in what her character was like now and going forward.
Early/Mid February
So here’s where the main situation we’re in now starts. For context, Kath and Emily’s apartment is in the city center, close to where both mine and Tom’s offices are, so it would make sense to go over in the evening and go into work from theirs the next morning, as Tom has been doing once or twice a week for the last few months.
It's worth noting that ever since the party right up to the present moment, Emily and Kath have not been interacting at all, avoiding each other in their apartment, only messaging for things like bill payments.
The first time I planned to go stay round Emily’s place was early/mid-February. When I mention this to Tom, he tells me that Kath has been having a really bad time mentally since the party, and the thought of me and Emily being there together triggers her anxiety. He asks me not to go over to their apartment for the next couple of weeks or so while she’s in this particularly bad phase. I don’t really understand what me going over and seeing Emily has to do with Kath’s anxiety (and Tom says he doesn't really understand it either himself), but I say okay fine it’s not that big of deal, I won’t go over for the time being.
Now, a valid question for myself is why I decided to keep seeing Emily, despite knowing that Kath had fallen out with her and therefore knowing it could potentially cause fiction between me and Tom. I don’t think I did anything wrong for several reasons:
· I suppose there’s the general visceral reaction against being told what to do. Like mind your own business, it’s not my fault Kath decided to get involved in my business. Why should she get what she wants when she’s the one being unreasonable? Why should we deny ourselves the opportunity of getting to know someone we seem to vibe with just because Tom’s girlfriend doesn’t like it?
· Before I even knew there was any issue at all, it was already too late; I had already gotten with Emily, they had already fallen out, and Kath already thought I was a dickhead. So what good would it do now to not see each other? Kath already didn’t like me (and she had also previously told me that once she doesn’t like someone, there’s no going back, they’re finished in her mind).
· In the initial first few days after the party, both me and Tom were kind of expecting that Kath’s reaction would blow over in a few days after she had cooled down. How could I have predicted that her reaction would instead continue getting increasingly intense as the situation went on?
· Frankly, I was annoyed at Tom at this point. He knew how Kath had reacted to me messaging Emily, so why did he just bend over and enable his girlfriends’ controlling, unreasonable behavior without question? If it was my girlfriend acting like this generally, I’d be like “why are you getting involved in their business, just let them do what they want?”, and especially so if it was directly affecting one of my close friends.
· Fundamentally, there’s no inherent reason why there had to be any issue at all? Okay Kath has ended her friendship with Emily and might not like that we’re seeing each other, but there’s no need for there to be any continued drama. Obviously we won’t all be hanging out as a four having fun like I had initially hoped, but that doesn’t mean we can’t just exist as adults and be civil? The only reason this continues to be an issue in the first place is because Kath is making it an issue for everyone else involved.
· Finally, I actually like Emily – from the first few days it was clear it wasn’t just going to be a FWB situation. If it felt like more of a superficial FWB situation, then yeah I probably would have just thought it’s not worth the drama, even though I thought Kath was the one in the wrong.
Late February
Over the month of February, me and Emily keep hanging out and getting closer. Whilst I was keeping a very close eye on her for any sign of character flaws (it was still possible that Kath could be in the right, even though her side of it didn’t make much sense to me), the more I got to know her, the more it seemed my initial judgment of her was accurate. I saw how she acted with her other friends, they all seemed to really value and appreciate her. I saw her helping out her friend in need of a fairly large amount of money without a second thought, I saw her going to accompany her friend for a medical scan they had, and generally she was really nice and thoughtful with me. Not exactly the behavior of an inconsiderate person.
Sometime in late February, Emily messages me completely baffled. She couldn’t believe that Kath had invited over a girl from their social circle, Dianne. The reason why this is a bit scandalous is because Kath is always talking shit about Dianne behind her back. And it’s not just “she can be a bit annoying sometimes”, it’s an explicit sentiment of how much she dislikes her, how much of a bad person she is and how much she wants her removed from her life. And she does this frequently, I barely speak to Kath and even I’ve heard her rant about how much she doesn’t like Dianne. So, she’s constantly saying this kind of stuff behind her back, and here she is now inviting her round for tea acting all friendly. I just found that so two-faced and this inevitably shaped my perception of Kath being deceptive.
Not long after I heard about this, Kath was round our place over the weekend. Me, Tom and Kath were heading off to our friend’s housewarming party later that day, with me driving us. At one point when the three of us are all in the kitchen, Kath speaks to me properly for the first time since the party, basically to clear the air. She says she doesn’t want there to be any bad blood between us and that her problem wasn’t with me, it was with Emily. I just say that I was cool with her, I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me or when coming over to our apartment, and that the situation between her and Emily was between them and not my business.
I wasn’t entirely convinced with her “clearing the air”, given that I had seen she apparently has no issue with being two-faced, but at the time I thought it was best to stay cool with her for the sake of me and Tom’s friendship and also I didn’t particularly fancy spending the rest of the day and a long car ride with awkward vibes.
End of February
At the end of February, Tom asks me how things are going with Emily and basically advises caution with her. He says that from what he’s seen she’s basically not a good person and she’s generally inconsiderate. I tell him I find that surprising from what I’ve seen of Emily, but I know it’s possible she could have just been putting on a front for the last month. I openly accept this, saying “I want to hear what you have to say, obviously you’re my friend and I respect your opinion”.
Essentially, he doesn’t bring up anything that I hadn’t already been told.
When I question Tom on why Kath thought she was a mind reader and assuming what my intentions were with Emily at the very start of this whole thing, Tom reveals he had since found out that the real reason Kath had forbidden Emily from getting with me in the first place actually wasn’t really to do with me recently breaking up with my girlfriend/using Emily as a rebound (Tom said this was a minor part of the reason, more of an excuse to base it on). It was more that Kath already knew beforehand that she wanted to end her friendship with Emily and was essentially trying to prevent her still being part of her life (i.e. by getting close to her boyfriend’s friend/flatmate).
Now it all made sense why Kath tried to “ban” her from getting with me in the first place. I’m not sure if Tom thought telling me this would make me more sympathetic to Kath’s side of it, but if anything, this deceptive behavior was even more of a red flag to me. As far as everyone (except for Kath) was concerned, her and Emily were best friends. Kath had even said to Emily a couple of weeks before the party that “she was like a sister to her”.
Tom didn’t seem to have much issue with this, saying something along the lines of “yeah I know she shouldn’t have kept all this stuff bottled up, but she doesn’t like confrontation, it makes her really anxious”.
After learning this, I think any argument for Emily being in the wrong for disobeying Kath’s instructions at the party is automatically void: Imagine having the audacity to be like “yeah I know I tried to control you by framing it as me being a protective friend looking out for you, but actually it was really because I wanted to end my friendship with you anyway teehee 😊”. In my view that is just so manipulative. No wonder the reason given to Emily for not getting with me made no sense to her.
When I revealed this to Emily, she said that she had been suspecting that was the case anyway, but it still really hurt to hear it confirmed.
Form her perspective it was like: “So was Kath holding all these grudges all the times I was consoling her for whatever mental health issue she was having at any given time?” (I wonder if Tom was thinking what a bad person Emily was when it was him and Emily staying up till stupid o’clock trying to console Kath who was crying about job applications a few weeks before all this kicked off). There are many other examples of things she had done for Kath in both the recent and more distant past.
Kath also knew that Emily’s best friend had killed herself a few years prior, and after going through the loss of her best friend, Emily had always said she was super hesitant to call anyone her “best friend”. Kath knew about this and still let Emily believe they were best friends, whilst she clearly didn’t really mean it, which I think is quite cruel of her.
Despite what I had seen of Emily so far, I still took what Tom said into account, and continued to watch her carefully.
Mid March
Another couple of weeks pass and given that my last interaction with Kath was her clearing the air with me, I thought everything was now cool between us. I mention to Tom at the start of the week that I’m planning to stay at their apartment later that week and he says “okay cool”. However, later that same evening, he once again asks me not to go over to their apartment. Apparently when he told Kath that I was going over, she started having a panic attack at the thought of me going there.
At this point I’m really started to get frustrated at this situation and again I try to understand exactly what the problem is, because this entire time Kath and Tom have been coming and going to either apartment as they please, so Kath clearly doesn’t have a problem coming to my apartment while I’m there. Tom again says that he doesn’t fully understand it himself, and that Kath doesn’t want to feel this way either, but she’s in a really bad place at the moment and me being there with Emily is really triggering her anxiety.
This makes no sense to me or Emily, because we obviously wouldn’t do anything to make Kath uncomfortable, and from our perspective this is just enabling her dysfunctional way of dealing with this situation.
Even though I still don’t understand what the fuck me seeing Emily has got to do with Kath’s mental health, I’m obviously not going to barge my way into someone’s home when I’m not welcome. So once again, I do as I’m told and say I won’t go over. But I do tell Tom that this situation isn’t going to continue going on like this indefinitely, and to me it feels to me like I’m being walked all over, in the sense of “oh yeah no worries, you two carry on going to either apartment as you please, I’ll just sit here like a dickhead and follow my instructions, don’t worry about it 😊”. He does say sorry and that he knows it’s inconvenient for us, but it's an even bigger inconvenience for Kath.
It’s worth bearing in mind that at this point, I could have responded to this situation by saying that if I’m not welcome at her apartment, Kath is not welcome here (or equally Emily could say to Kath “you can’t bring Tom round”). Whilst yes, it’s a bit petty, I think this would be a completely justified response to prevent a situation where we are being walked all over. Because what would be the alternative? They just carry on doing as they please indefinitely whilst Emily is told she isn’t allowed to have equal use of her own apartment? Now obviously telling your friend that his girlfriend isn’t allowed to come over is really a last resort and would definitely put a big dent in our friendship, and generally I have no desire to control what anyone else does, so of course I didn’t respond in this way.
Despite my frustration at this entire situation, I do feel bad for Tom because I can see how uncomfortable he seems during these conversations with me, he obviously doesn’t want to give me these unreasonable instructions. I can only assume he’s just trying to do whatever he can to keep his girlfriend afloat and prevent her next meltdown. I’ve been there myself dealing with a girlfriend with mental health issues, so I don’t want to actively make things worse for my friend either. However, I’m also worried that it’s likely to get worse for him the more he feeds into it and gets sucked into it.
At this point, the cynical side of me couldn’t help but wonder if Kath was being a bit manipulative and leaning into all the mental health stuff to maintain control of the situation.
· She seemingly is unable to give a reason for exactly why me and Emily being in her apartment makes her so uncomfortable. To me, this was completely indistinguishable from her just hating the fact that we’re together.
· All this reminds me of exactly the same kind of manipulative behavior I saw with that ex-girlfriend.
· She’s shown she has no problem with being intentionally deceptive – maybe if the entire basis of this situation hadn’t started off with Kath being manipulative she would have a bit more credibility in my eyes.
I know this kind of behavior is often not even intentional, and that it can be subconscious where the person doesn’t even realise they’re being manipulative.
(Still Mid March)
Now we get to the part that pisses me off the most in this whole situation. Only a few days after that conversation with Tom, for some reason Kath comes to stay in our apartment for the weekend while Tom was away at a house party. As in, it’s just me and Kath in my apartment.
Personally, I couldn’t imagine having the nerve to say to someone they aren’t welcome in my home because their presence triggers me, and then only a mere few days later actively choosing to go stay the weekend at their place while it’s just us two in the apartment. Like either my presence triggers you or it doesn’t?
Now to be fair, Tom had asked me a week or two beforehand if Kath could come to our apartment to hang out with someone from our friend group while he was away, and I said that was cool. Anyway, those plans fell through, but Kath still came over by herself.
But the main thing that pissed me off about this is that Tom, after knowing that I was already feeling like I was being taken for a mug in this situation, apparently didn’t even think it was worth bothering to check with me if it was still cool with me that Kath came round, given our conversation a few days prior.
If he’d at least checked in like, “I know it’s a bit weird that she’s coming to stay round by herself after having just said that your presence triggers her anxiety”, I still would’ve said okay, because I have no desire to control what anyone does. But it was just the fact he didn’t seem to care, saying “btw Kath is gonna stay here tonight” moments before leaving to his party.
To me it felt like he had spent the last month or so basically giving me instructions to make sure everyone caters to his girlfriend’s feelings, and yet didn’t give the slightest consideration to how this would make me feel. Part of me was thinking does he even see me as a friend or just as an inconvenience to his relationship at this point?
I spoke to Tom in the week following this, expressing how I had felt about Kath staying round. He did apologise and acknowledged he could’ve checked in with me, but he didn’t really seem to understand why her coming over like that was such a kick in the teeth for me. He said Kath doesn’t have a problem with me, it’s only a very specific situation that triggers her (i.e. me and Emily being in her apartment together).
Again I try to understand exactly why it’s a problem. Ever since the party, Emily’s presence in their apartment has consisted of her quietly staying in her room, quickly cooking her food and going straight back to her room. She doesn’t spend 2 hours in the kitchen making food like Kath and Tom sometimes do when he’s there.
Tom again says he doesn’t fully understand it himself. From what he understands, it’s triggering because her home is her safe space and if we’re both there it’s like there’s two hostile presences in that safe space. He reiterated that she is in a very dark place at the moment, and that she’s been having frequent panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.
Tom then says that Kath would be prepared to leave the apartment if me and Emily wanted to meet there, and Kath would basically get out of the way and come to me and Tom’s apartment instead. This did give me a bit more confidence that Kath wasn’t just purposefully making things difficult.
If Kath genuinely meant this, then of course that’s really appreciated, but I’m obviously not going to make her leave her own home and come all the way to ours to then have a 2 hour commute to her work. It’s so over the top and needless. I think that this clearly isn’t a functional solution going forward. What if one day when we want to meet up, Kath has had a long day at work and doesn’t feel like leaving her apartment (obviously, fair enough!), what if she’s got plans with friends in her apartment that evening? In any case, it’s still a situation where rules are being imposed on us, I can never just spontaneously decide to go see Emily one day after work or something. We still can’t come and go freely in the same way they have been doing for the past two months. It would be much better to understand why exactly it’s such a problem and see how we’re going to find a long-term solution, instead of Kath just running away from it.
The cynical side of me was wondering if Kath was just saying this knowing that neither me or Emily are realistically going to make her leave her own home, and if we do agree to it, then she can say “oh look how inconsiderate they are, making me leave my own home just so that they can be in the apartment”, ensuring that she keeps Tom firmly on her side.
Logically, I would’ve thought as time goes on, Kath would eventually get used to the situation and just accept it. Conversely, is it not quite understandable that the longer we have rules imposed on us, the more frustrated we become?
Once again say that I won’t go over and tell him that I won’t press this issue for the time being.
Late April
So now we get to the latest development in the situation, which is the crux of this post.
For the next month or so after that conversation with Tom, me and Emily have just been following our instructions and not pressed anything, whilst they continue coming and going as they please. One weekend we’re talking about the whole ‘Kath situation’ and we say “okay we’ve left it for a while now, it’s probably time to see how we’re going to move forward with this”.
In that next week, Emily sends Kath the following message:
“Hey, I appreciate this message might be uncomfortable but we need to discuss the fact that Jake can’t come here while you’re at home because I know that him and Tom have spoken about this but we’ve never addressed it with each other and I think it’s unfair that they’ve been largely absorbing this conflict this whole time. Can you please tell me what the exact problem would be and how we could make it work? At the end of the day we both pay equal rent here and I should be allowed to bring someone over, especially considering that Tom comes here whenever you want. We’re nothing more than just 2 housemates now and if you were living with a stranger from Spareroom such restrictions couldn’t have existed. I think I’ve let it slide and should have addressed it earlier, but it’s time we come up with a fair solution and I’d like to know if there’s anything reasonable we can do. I don’t want to go into other conversations about our fallout cause that’s done and dusted now, I want to strictly address this issue. Would you like some notice before he comes? I can’t always guarantee how far in advance I can let you know but I will do my best to give you enough time.”
Kath’s response:
“hey, I do not really appreciate this conversation being brought up 2 days before my birthday and I wish we can settle it today and not drag it on. And I do not appreciate you using Tom as a weapon to guilt trip me either. Please let me know if he is coming over tonight so that I can go somewhere else. As u probably already know I am in a really bad place at the moment and being in the apartment with both of you makes me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. I’m already struggling to be there and I have been discussing with the agency about terminating the contract early, the terms have only been made clear to me today so I was going to message you about it. By paying a fee of £660 (£330 each) we can terminate the contract 12^th of June and I wish u will consider this. I will be gone from the apartment for 2 weeks. I would really appreciate it if you do not bring him over in the next few days as I said it will be my birthday and I will be gone for 2 weeks after if you decide to do so after this, please let me know at least 2 days in advance so that I can leave (pack clothes and everything), but do not take advantage of this as it is extremely difficult for me to commute to work – it takes me 2 hours on the bus”
Emily’s response to this:
“I don’t appreciate you using your birthday as a “weapon” to paint me as an inconsiderate person once again as you’re saying you were going to message me anyway about terminating the contract. You always have Tom round without any notice, without ever considering if it was ever uncomfortable for me given what’s happened - but now you expect me to organise our schedule around you? We can’t ever do something spontaneous or simply make plans the day before? Jake won’t be coming tonight or in the next few days until you’re away. I was hoping we could talk about why exactly this makes you uncomfortable and unsafe as it’s quite clear we wouldn’t interact with you or do anything to purposely upset/annoy you. You also had no problem being in his apartment with him without Tom there, so clearly his presence must not be that big of a problem. I am going to get back to you about terminating the contract as I have to figure out where I would go, but I’d love nothing more than to leave this apartment as early as possible too.”
There was no response after Emily’s second message.
Tom comes back to our apartment the next day and ignores me all day until the evening when he asks “Did you know that Emily was going to send those messages?”.
I say “Yes, obviously?”. He responds with “Right, okay” and starts walking back towards his room.
I ask him what was wrong with the messages, and he comes back and says “what the fuck is Emily doing sending messages like that to my suicidal girlfriend?”. He essentially thought the tone of the messages, the proximity to Kath’s birthday and the fact that we’re once again bringing up this issue of me coming round was out of order. He also said that Emily’s 2^nd message was implying that she was just going to bring me round without any notice anyway (looking at the message, no it wasn’t? It was just highlighting the unfairness of Kath expecting us to organise our schedule around her? None of the messages say that I’m going to come over, they are essentially just trying to understand exactly why it makes Kath uncomfortable).
We also did note that it was Kath’s birthday on the Friday (messages were sent on Tuesday). Maybe that wasn’t ideal, but we thought what real difference does it make? This is nothing new, it’s the same situation that’s been ongoing for the last 3 months anyway (and personally, I thought that up until the moment Kath says “okay sorry, I shouldn’t have imposed rules on you” then she shouldn’t expect that this won’t be brought up to her?).
I was a bit shocked at how angry he was and explained that we’re just trying to understand exactly what her issue is, because it still doesn’t make any sense to us. I bring up the general point about Kath imposing rules on people and expects everyone to cater to her feelings, whilst zero consideration has been given to how Emily has felt over the last 3 months, when not only does it make her uncomfortable as well that there are two “hostile presences” in her home, but especially given that those hostile presences have told her she’s not allowed to have equal use of her apartment she also pays rent for.
Tom responds with “but it’s not making Emily feel suicidal is it? Kath was having convulsions on the fucking bed last night after those messages. Why do you keep focusing on this tiny issue of coming to the apartment when my girlfriend is literally suicidal? She’s already said she’d make arrangements to leave the apartment for when you want to come over, and yet you keep pressing the issue and triggering her further”.
In that moment I was a bit taken aback and didn’t have much of a response. I kind of just sat and processed that for a few minutes, thinking “fuck, have I actually been in the wrong this whole time?”. Tom looked exhausted and stressed out, he must have been dealing with Kath’s meltdown the whole of the night before.
I say to Tom “tell Kath not to worry about me coming over while she’s there, I’m not going to, I’ll just leave it for good and won’t press this issue anymore”. Tom doesn’t give much of a response, but I think he says “I appreciate it”. He leaves for his two-week holiday shortly after.
I felt really bad that evening, thinking I had caused Tom to have to deal with whatever horrible meltdown because of me pressing this issue. Maybe I had been overly cynical of Kath, and she genuinely was just trying her best and not meaning to be manipulative.
When Tom got back from his holiday, he basically confirmed our friendship is over because I had known about those messages that caused his girlfriend to feel suicidal.
I’ve thought about the situation a lot since he left for his holiday:
· Looking back at the messages Emily sent, I think the tone is completely fine? Every single person I’ve shown the messages to has said they are actually quite kind and empathetic, and way nicer than they need to be given Kath’s behavior over the last 3 months.
· Tom’s reaction was essentially “how dare Emily have the audacity to ask for a reason why she hasn’t been allowed to have equal use of her own apartment for the last 3 months!”
· It’s true that Tom had mentioned that Kath had been having some suicidal thoughts a month prior, but I didn’t know that this would directly impact that, especially since I thought the message was quite nice and sensitive. Just the weekend before this Tom and Kath were out clubbing, having fun and they were going on holiday later that week. So obviously I didn’t realise she was still feeling so bad. How could anyone expect that simply asking the question of “why does this make you so uncomfortable” would result in this reaction.
· As soon as I did realise how intensely Kath had reacted, and what Tom had had to deal with as a result, I backed off straight away, saying that she doesn’t have to worry, I’m not going to press it anymore.
· Realistically, if this is how Kath reacts to being asked for basic fairness, then I think really she needs to be in a mental health crisis center or hospital, not just carrying on with everyday life as if everything is fine, and certainly not in a situation where she’s imposing rules on people.
· At the end of the day, Kath’s mental health is not my responsibility, nor is it Tom’s responsibility. I think it’s unfair of Kath to have made it his problem to such a large degree.
Logically, I don’t think I’m in the wrong, and yet Tom’s reaction to this makes me feel like I’m going crazy. That’s why I wrote out everything’s that’s happened from start to finish to “audit” myself and evaluate each of my actions throughout the entire situation.
I’ve looked back and don’t think I’m in the wrong for anything I’ve done. The only explanation I can think of is that Tom has been so deep in all of Kath’s mental health stuff 24/7 that he’s just not thinking clearly about this situation.

Hi all! Hoping some folks here can give me some insight/personal experiences similar to my situation.
Trying to nap train my LO (6mo) right now using the gentle method highlighted throughout the sub. We finally had a successful morning and he went down after 13min of just fussing for his first nap!
He’s teething like mad right now though, cut his first two teeth last week and have two more on the way I’m pretty sure. He’s been super fussy with nursing and bottles and has decided that he only wants to breastfeed right before he goes to sleep. I used to be able to nurse him when he woke from naps and again about 10-20m before putting him back down but lately he refuses boob unless he’s actively falling asleep or just waking up from sleep. So this morning I nursed him to drowsy, burped him to wake him back up a bit to which he was not pleased about, and then he took the 13min to fall asleep.
My question, is whether or not this will impact his ability to connect sleep cycles once I started trying to train for nap extension? Right now I’m rescuing naps after a sleep cycle, but would like to start trying crib hour in the next week or so.
TIA for any advice!

I've always dreamt of having a good sleeper but third time is the charm! Our little guy is 19 months old and his FAVORITE time of day is nap time and bedtime. He'll throw his arms up and say "nah-nights! Woo! Yay yay!"
He will nap 3-4 hours midday, and sometimes I need to wake him up if it's past the four hour mark. We stretch his bedtime to 8PM because he has two older siblings who might wake him up, but he usually starts asking for bed around 7 if we're not busy or earlier if its quiet. Sometimes he'll wake up at 5:30 and not be able to fall back asleep, but usually he's up between 6 and 7AM.
Our guy was BORN napping. I worried when he came out and there wasn't any crying, but the nurses said they "just needed to wake him up". When they placed him on my chest, he instantly went back to sleep. We had to wake him up a half hour later to nurse!
Moms with sleep lovers, please tell me they don't grow out of it?!

I've always dreamt of having a good sleeper but third time is the charm! Our little guy is 19 months old and his FAVORITE time of day is nap time and bedtime. He'll throw his arms up and say "nah-nights! Woo! Yay yay!"
He will nap 3-4 hours midday, and sometimes I need to wake him up if it's past the four hour mark. We stretch his bedtime to 8PM because he has two older siblings who might wake him up, but he usually starts asking for bed around 7 if we're not busy or earlier if its quiet. Sometimes he'll wake up at 5:30 and not be able to fall back asleep, but usually he's up between 6 and 7AM.
Our guy was BORN napping. I worried when he came out and there wasn't any crying, but the nurses said they "just needed to wake him up". When they placed him on my chest, he instantly went back to sleep. We had to wake him up a half hour later to nurse!
Moms with sleep lovers, please tell me they don't grow out of it?!

Ex-roommate if you see this, I'm sorry. So a little backstory.
(I 22F, them 26F) A little over half a year ago I had a friend of a friend move in. They had fallen into a pretty bad mental state and just needed some time and space away from their situation. At the time I didn't know them too well but I knew 'em enough to be comfortable living with them. One of the things they wanted to get away from was relationship issues (the used to live with their ex). So early on they had me promise "not to fall in love with them". I didn't really feel that way towards them so it was an easy promise to make.
Skip foward a few month and they said they wanted to cuddle as friends. At this point we've gotten a lot closecomfortable with each other so I agreeded to it. Up until then I've never cuddled with someone so I thought it'd be nice. That went on for a couple of months until they got a bf. I really liked their bf, he was a chill guy with a lot of knowledge and life experience to go with it. They both would trip sit me a lot so I felt like I could trust them.
One night I went up to both of them and told them I think I might love them. This really freaked my roommate out saying thing like they don't think they could trust me anymore and they might have to move out. It really did hurt me. The boyfriend asked me some questions and gave me some things to reflect on. Ultimatly I came to the conclution that I did't love them, I just liked the closeness that I got from being around them.
Now to present time. Things didn't end up working out between my ex-roommate and their bf and they just wanted time to focous on themselfs. About a month or so after I asked her if she would want to cuddle like we used to (Ik, horrible timing on my part). That and my sh was kinda the straw that broke the camel's back that prompted them to move out. When they left it was sudden. I came home from work, everything was good. I woke up, and half their stuff was gone. I was definitly hurt that they'd leave like like after all we've been through and I definitly cried at lot (XD). We're on good terms though. We still talk and hang out and just do stuff besties do.
Sitting with my thoughs after she left and looking at all the experiences we had and how I feel about them, I really do think I fell in love with them. It just happened later than I though. We talked later about when I asked to cuddle and she said she said no at the time because she was afraid she would catch feels and didn't want to ruin our friendship.
Long story short my question is, do I tell my bestie that I love them and risk them walking out of my life. Or do I just try to ignore thoes feelings and move on? I really value our friendship too and I'd be devistated to not have them in my life. But it also feels like by not tell them, that I'm lying to them in a way.
Tldr; I fell in love with my best friend and I don't know if I should tell them and possibly ruin the friendship.

My previous post was removed because I didn't specify clearly enough that I have been diagnosed with IBS by my doctor. But I've some doubts since I don't experience any pain. Here's what's going on:
About ten years ago I first started to deal with severe digestion issues. Luckily, after a year of testing and talking with my doctors, I got better after starting antidepressants. Back then I was under a lot of stress and suffered from depression. I have been doing really well mentally for the past 8/7 years or so. Low stress, good mental health, finished my degree and landed a stable job.
Yet, for the past 2,5 years my digestion has been deteriorating rapidly. My issues currently are:

• daily foul smelling gas, starting around lunchtime and sometimes going on until late into the evening/night
• concurrent with the gas; bloating, fatigue and brain fog. I regularly have to lay down and often even fall asleep (this is start to interfere with my work as well)
• soft or sticky stools, often (not always) diarrhea-like. However, frequency seems somewhat normal (once or twice a day)

I am happy to say that at least I don’t have pain, cramps, constipation, burping, sudden diarrhea (having to run for the bathroom), and fortunately this time around I’m not loosing weight like I was last time. However, due to the lack of pain and cramps I'm also doubting whether this really is IBS. [Even though my GP has said it's IBS after excluding other possible causes, such as celiac disease, Crohn's, etc.]
My GP and I are at a loss of what we can do to improve my situation. We’ve tried lots of interventions and treatments by now, and my GP said we’ve run out of treatments and tests. So far we’ve tried:

• FODMAP elimination (no clear triggers, as symptoms hardly subsided during the elimination phase)
• caffeine elimination
• gluten elimination
• bloodtests for allergies / celiac disease as well as Crohn’s disease
• elimination of sucralose and other sweeteners
• digestive enzymes supplementation
• betaine HCI supplementation
• l-glutamine supplementation
• ginger extract supplementation as well as consuming lots of ginger
• psyllium husk supplementation
• s. boulardii supplementation
• simethicone supplementation
• zinc supplementation
• sertraline (50 mg)
• amitriptyline (10 mg)
• enteric coated peppermint oil
• mindful eating and breathwork

I eat a vegan diet (quite varied albeit less so since the FODMAP diet) and my bloodwork is all good, I workout 3-4 times a week, get 8 hrs sleep/night, and never consume alcohol. I make sure not to swallow excessive air when eating and I chew my food well. I also used to meditate for 10-20 min a day, and tried self-hypnosis techniques learned in therapy (but lately have given up on that, as tbh I’m starting to get really tired with trying all sorts of things to improve my situation when nothing seems to work). I am considering trying some sort of oregano oil/berberine supplementation regimen as I’ve read that for some people who suffer from hydrogen SIBO this could help. However, there isn’t really a good way of testing for SIBO in my country, and my GP says that at home breath tests are too unreliable at this point in time. So I’m not sure if oregano/berberine supplementation is going to be of much use. (GP discourages it atm anyway, although they also understand my desire for relief/treatment.)
I was in a very good place before this “relapse” and it’s really starting to take its toll on me. I wonder if anyone has any further ideas of what could be going on or what I might be overlooking. I may just have to accept that I’m never going to get rid of this, but I am really hoping for something that can alleviate my symptoms. At this rate it’s starting to affect my mental health as well and I’m also running into issues at work because of my fatigue.

So I was a travel nurse for 5 yrs and went permanent back in 2020. Going back to traveling in the fall. And of Course I always look at jobs and rates just to see what's out there Now I don't think the rates I'm seeing are bad, but everyone on this subreddit says the rates are terrible (I'm labor and delivery) Am I that out the loop? Or are some nurses expecting covid rates? Cause I know those were insane.

About ten years ago I first started to deal with severe digestion issues. Luckily, after a year of testing and talking with my doctors, I got better after starting antidepressants. Back then I was under a lot of stress and suffered from depression. I have been doing really well mentally for the past 8/7 years or so. Low stress, good mental health, finished my degree and landed a stable job.
Yet, for the past 2,5 years my digestion has been deteriorating rapidly. My issues currently are:

• daily foul smelling gas, starting around lunchtime and sometimes going on until late into the evening/night
• concurrent with the gas; bloating, fatigue and brain fog. I regularly have to lay down and often even fall asleep (this is start to interfere with my work as well)
• soft or sticky stools, often (not always) diarrhea-like. However, frequency seems somewhat normal (once or twice a day)

I am happy to say that at least I don’t have pain, cramps, constipation, burping, sudden diarrhea (having to run for the bathroom), and fortunately this time around I’m not loosing weight like I was last time. However, due to the lack of pain and cramps I'm also doubting whether this really is IBS.
My GP and I are at a loss of what could be going on. We’ve tried lots of interventions and treatments by now, and my GP said we’ve run out of treatments and tests. So far we’ve tried:

• FODMAP elimination (no clear triggers, as symptoms hardly subsided during the elimination phase)
• caffeine elimination
• gluten elimination
• bloodtests for allergies / celiac disease as well as Crohn’s disease
• elimination of sucralose and other sweeteners
• digestive enzymes supplementation
• betaine HCI supplementation
• l-glutamine supplementation
• ginger extract supplementation as well as consuming lots of ginger
• psyllium husk supplementation
• s. boulardii supplementation
• simethicone supplementation
• zinc supplementation
• sertraline (50 mg)
• amitriptyline (10 mg)
• enteric coated peppermint oil
• mindful eating and breathwork

I eat a vegan diet (quite varied albeit less so since the FODMAP diet) and my bloodwork is all good, I workout 3-4 times a week, get 8 hrs sleep/night, and never consume alcohol. I make sure not to swallow excessive air when eating and I chew my food well. I also used to meditate for 10-20 min a day, and tried self-hypnosis techniques learned in therapy (but lately have given up on that, as tbh I’m starting to get really tired with trying all sorts of things to improve my situation when nothing seems to work). I am considering trying some sort of oregano oil/berberine supplementation regimen as I’ve read that for some people who suffer from hydrogen SIBO this could help. However, there isn’t really a good way of testing for SIBO in my country, and my GP says that at home breath tests are too unreliable at this point in time. So I’m not sure if oregano/berberine supplementation is going to be of much use. (GP discourages it atm anyway, although they also understand my desire for relief/treatment.)
I was in a very good place before this “relapse” and it’s really starting to take its toll on me. I wonder if anyone has any further ideas of what could be going on or what I might be overlooking. I may just have to accept that I’m never going to get rid of this, but I am really hoping for something that can alleviate my symptoms. At this rate it’s starting to affect my mental health as well and I’m also running into issues at work because of this.

I know this is unnecessarily long, so if you are not in the mood for reading, I understand. But I would greatly appreciate anyone who would take the time to read my story that is probably TMI and badly in need of some editing. I just really need some advice from people whose heads are less cloudy than mine.
My fiancé M/42 and I F41 have been together for about 4 years and have known each other since high school. I knew he was a recovering addict when I got together with him but I fell head over heels in love and didn’t see the relapse on the horizon that would occur shortly after the honeymoon phase and would eventually almost kill me - I took a swipe of some mystery powder and touched it to my tongue (fentanyl) thinking it would help me get through the most stressful day of my life as i was ceaning out his place while I was packing him up for detox. It was a total freak accident, I’m not an addict, never done anything like that in my life, I’m a single mom and a kindergarten teacher, but I loved him so much I just followed him down the rabbit hole and honestly just became so disoriented in this world I (naively) didn’t understand or even realize I had signed up for.
Anyway, He literally saved my life, and said I also saved his, because that day is what motivated him to get and stay clean for good despite being an active heroin addict for the majority of his life.
He worked an incredibly thorough program, and he gained more friends, money, and more overall success in 2 years than I’ve been able to scrounge up in an entire lifetime. And it’s no surprise honestly. He’s a special person. Absolutely brilliant, charismatic, driven, and has a heart of gold.
Within a year of getting sober, he moved me and my daughters into a gorgeous home adjacent to a golf course, bought luxury vehicles for both me and him, convinced me to quit my teaching job which was making me miserable, so I could finally be fully present for my girls, and then put a giant diamond ring on my left hand. He completely spoils us. We went from having nothing to having every tangible thing, we could possibly need.
The stability that he provided for us meant the world to a single mom who was barely making ends meet, but it was always just the icing on the cake for me. He’s my best friend in the world, he makes me laugh so hard my mouth hurts from smiling, he show me that he loves even the parts of myself that I don’t find lovable. I found my soulmate.
His program started slipping after 2 1/2 years (last November). He was already struggling in his role of being a stepfather, and we were fighting a lot about parenting stuff. He has a lot to learn, has little patience, and seems to have very unrealistic expectations of my kids. He wanted Parenting to be this effortless thing, and he just doesn’t get that it’s not. And that kids are not always going to behave themselves and that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. so we were fighting a lot.
In December, he started complaining about his chronic back pain again (a real issue for him as he’s had five back surgeries due to a snowboarding accident in his early 20s-this was during that height of Purdue Pharma and what got him hooked on pain meds)
While I know he was legitimately in pain, it was also a red flag because pain was the culprit for his last relapse. He decided to go in for a sixth surgery and was told he would have to wait three months. He found a surgeon who has made a lot of profit off of him over the years (as he’s a PI attorney) and was willing to prescribe him generous amounts of pain pills to get him through the three months of increasing pain that he was experiencing. He spent the next three months in bed, depressed, checking out, taking pills depressed, checking out- as I became increasingly suspicious that his behavior was much too loopy for the amount of medication he was being prescribed. I fell into the role of his nurse, and his babysitter. Making sure he didn’t text to nonsense to clients, making sure he didn’t fall and make his back worse, making sure he wasn’t interacting with the kids, etc
I knew he wasn’t being honest with me, but he just kept gaslighting me. It honestly felt like he was psychologically tormenting me, treating me as though I was totally paranoid, heartless and out of line. I thought after the surgery, it would finally get better. I made a promise that I would be there for him because he had never had anyone there for him for the previous surgeries and it had been a really traumatic experience for him in the past. I really stepped up and tried so hard to his rock. The hospital experience was horrific, mainly because no amount of diloted was relieving him of the pain. None of the nurses understood why he needed so much more than everyone else, but I think his tolerance had just become so high.
After that nightmare was finally over I was really counting on things getting better, as the plan was for him to taper off the meds, live pain-free, and get back to normal. It didn’t go that way. It just kept getting worse and no matter how many times I told him that I didn’t trust him he just had an excuse for an explanation for everything. He is a master manipulator and I listened to him do it to everyone, doctors, the pharmacist he formed a “friendship” with, literally everyone.
On Mother’s Day, it got to a point where he couldn’t hide it anymore. He disappeared for the day, Ended up, passing out at a gas station and was unreachable for hours, when he finally came home, the car was all fucked up and he claims it was someone else’s fault. He went straight to his home office and I didn’t see the rest of the night until I walked in on him smoking crushed up pills. After that, he confessed everything to me, including the time that he told me not to check the mail because he had a special surprise for me to thank me for all the love and support I gave him To help him through his surgery. it turned out he had drug dealers sending him drugs in the mail. Needless to say there was no surprise for me me. Just heartbreak and betrayal. I felt like a fool.
I was still processing this the next day when , after insisting on taking a photo of me in these designer sunglasses he purchased for me out of guilt. I asked him not to take my photo, because I had tears in my eyes, but he insisted. He was napping next to me and I opened his phone to erase the photo. we’ve always had each other’s passwords, and have looked through each others photos before for various reasons, sharing photos, etc. I cannot emphasize enough how much I trust his loyalty to me when it comes to anything other than drugs.
But for some reason, all of my photos, the ones I was taking on my phone were showing up in his feed. I was so confused, so I started scrolling through deleting unflattering double chin pictures of myself when I came across that menu photos organized based on face recognition. One of them was his ex. I remember him telling me he deleted all of his photos of her the first time he told me he loved me.
I opened it and scrolled through hundreds of pictures of their happy life together. The pictures got more and more sexual, one of her with her legs spread, another another of them in the bathtub together, her kissing him while he had his hands around her neck, another screenshot of her naked in the shower with a thumbnail shot of him in the corner obviously jerking off to her on FaceTime. Because I’m a masochist I decided to take it one step further and look in his video folder. I found a There I found a thumbnail shot if a close-up of him penetrating her. I watched it and it just completely crushed whatever was left of me.
I’m normally a really passive person, and I just completely lost my mind. I reacted as though I had caught him cheating on me. I just couldn’t handle the physical evidence of such a close up shot of him being inside another woman. It’s stupid because I know, like me, he has a past. Obviously he’s been with other women. Obviously he’s been attracted to them. But it just scarred my brain, I literally haven’t even been able to eat since because I’ve been so nauseous. I know it’s ridiculous, because this is a reality I was well aware existed, but seeing it with my own eyes… I don’t know what to say. Other than that I need a lobotomy.
He says he erased all of those videos and photos from his phone, and something weird happened where all of his photos from the cloud just re-uploaded when he got a new phone. He’s not a technical person and I actually believe him because, aside from being a complete liar when it comes to drugs, he has always show me the upmost, integrity, love and loyalty. So it’s not that I don’t believe him. I just can’t get that image out of my head.
I can’t tell if this intense emotional reaction I’m having would be the same reaction anyone would have if they saw what I saw, or if I’m combining the feelings of betrayal over the gaslighting and the relapse…, the last four months of feeling completely invisible, hopeless, and like he was choosing drugs over me. My mind is like mush and I seriously can’t differentiate between these two very separate issues. I’m so confused, but that’s what gaslighting does to you. It makes you question your reality.
He said that he’s finally willing to go into detox, so at this point, I have waited this long, it would be silly not to stick around and see if he’s finally going to put an end to this. What’s getting me is that he’s still making excuses, still not seeming very remorseful, and is still so deep in self-pity that he doesn’t seem to have any awareness of how badly I’m hurting because of him. It feels like he just doesn’t care. anyone who’s ever loved an addict knows that feeling well.
I’m in Al-anon, and I’m well aware of all of the things I should be doing, focusing on myself, etc. but I’m just not doing well, and I can’t seem to find my way out of this dark hole. Anyone who has made it this far deserves some sort of a Reddit badge of honor. This was more of an autobiography than a simple question. I just wanna hear some outside input because I don’t trust my own mind right now. I’m willing to take your criticism, just please be kind. I know I’ve made mistakes, I’m just hurting so badly. I can’t seem to sort through this. Thank you so much if you took the time to read all of this and still want to respond. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Like most companies, our dev team has far more requests for changes and features than we could ever complete in a lifetime. Ideas are cheap and everybody has them. Of course we have a healthy triage process that will sort through this and prioritize what will actually get done but we also have management and staff in non-dev departments who feel like their pet projects are more important than everyone else's and shouldn't be required to follow the regular triage.
For several months, I had suspected that one of the developers on our team had been working on a project with the marketing dept but because we're remote, it was hard to know for sure. I also kind of like the type of initiative that this shows and hell, if it makes them enjoy their job a bit more, I don't want to get in the way of that entirely. I think the problem though is when this goes too far:

• this developer ends up spending more of their time on this "side project" rather than what the team has promised to deliver
• these projects have to be hosted somewhere and use resources which have a cost to them that needs to be budgeted for
• this becomes a silo that no one knows about and has a huge bus factor risk
• but the biggest issue I think is that it sends a message to the entire company that anyone can ask for anything that they want and there'll always be someone on the dev team to say "yes" to them if they just talk to the right person

I'm considering an intervention of some kind at the moment but I'm unsure how to approach it. I don't want to squash initiative but I think this still needs to get reigned in to some degree. Any suggestions?

So, I'm not entirely sure what my goal is with this post. One thing I know for certain is that it will be very long, and probably sort of jumbled and frantic, more stream of consciousness than anything. I guess I just sort of wanted to share some of the important realizations I've had in recent months, and see if: 1. Other people think that they're fair or "correct" realizations, and I'm not becoming, like, delusional or something. 2. Maybe my sharing these perspectives will help or inspire someone else who has struggled in ways similar to me.
So, here's the basic background of things. I've always been a really reserved and quiet person, ever since I was a little kid. Add in being skinny and nerdy for most of my life, and maxing out at a height of 5'9", and I'm not exactly a hot product for the average girl my age (19, turning 20 in a few weeks). In fact, I'd never had a relationship until this past year in college, but I'll get more into that in a minute. Hell, I hadn't had so much as a first kiss until this past year, either.
And, at the beginning of this past school year, being my second year of college (as a commuter student, so socializing is pretty difficult), I began to really get down on myself for having never been in a relationship, never kissed a girl, being a virgin, etc. It started to really take a toll on my mental health, because I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong and unlovable about me. Whereas a lot of young men who struggle socially romantically seem to be directing their sadness, frustration, and anger outward toward the world, especially toward women, I instead found myself directing those feeling toward myself. I was convinced that, on a basic level, there was some vital component to who I am as a person that disqualifies me from being worthy of love or affection. After all, that's what 19 years of evidence suggest, right?
Looking back, I think a large component in this was how I had been struggling, and still struggle to a degree, with my identity as a young man. I'm naturally a pretty progressive person, and I make an effort to be open to the perspectives of other groups and listen to their stories. Unfortunately, as we all know, a lot of people have been harmed by the men in their lives. And I know, I know: if I'm not doing anything wrong myself, then I shouldn't take any of these stories personally.But I guess, given the poor mental state that I was already in, I took it as validation that there was in fact something intrinsically wrong about me, and that thing was being a man. I started to avoid people on the street, especially if they were a woman or presented as feminine. At work, I avoid going anywhere near female customers, out of fear of making them uncomfortable. I'd keep my head down walking from class to class on campus, worried that I might make someone uneasy with my gaze. It wasn't that I thought I was a threat; in fact, I knew that I was not. But I also knew that the people around me didn't know that. In their eyes, maybe they have to assume that I'm a creep or that I'm a dangerous type of man. And it hurt to realize that, and I realize now, like I said, that I took it as validation that there was something intrinsically wrong with me.
Due to that, as well as other factors, such as stress and exhaustion from overworking (I'm a full-time student and work about 30 hours a week, which is a lot for me, might not be for others, I admit), I experienced some of the worst periods of depression I've ever had, since being diagnosed with it and anxiety in 2021. I tried going to therapy. I went to a few sessions, then gradually started missing more and more due to a lack of time, until my therapist cancelled all of our scheduled future sessions. It was on me. I wasn't committed.
I lost my passion for my hobbies and interests, like creative writing, which had previously been an important emotional outlet for me. A lot of nights would be spent lying in bed, listening to a playlist filled with sad music and hugging a pillow, wishing it was someone who loved me in the way that I thought, or hoped, love would work.
At the behest of my friends, to whom I only presented my issues as being a little down about never having been in a relationship, I started messing around with dating apps. At first, I felt good about making some sort of effort to put myself out there. Like I said, I've always been insanely reserved, so doing something like making a dating profile felt like an accomplishment. Of course, nothing much came of it. Over the five or so months that I was on the app, I maxed out at about six likes on my profile, and only matched with two people.
But one of those two people was a girl who went to the same college as me, and we seemed to have a lot of interests in common. And I mean a lot. To the point that it was almost comical. Of course, I realize now that having some hobbies in common isn't enough to form a good relationship with someone, but I realize now that I was just desperate for someone who I could convince myself halfway-tolerated me. She and I started to go out, and after a while, we decided to make things "official." My first kiss. My first relationship. My first girlfriend.
It lasted for only a few months. After a while, something felt off. I wasn't as excited to see her as I had been before. It was hard for us to make time for each other, between my working and her being involved in extracurricular stuff around campus. Car rides and dates began to be filled with longer and more frequent stretches of awkward silence, as I tried to think of something to say or talk about, only to come up empty-handed. As we got to know each other better, I realized that we didn't have as much in common as I first thought. She was a little more conservative, not necessarily in a political sense, but more in terms of "status", if that makes sense. I learned that financial success was very important to her parents, and I could tell that it was important to her, too. She avoided telling her parents that I was an English major, instead opting to tell them that I was getting a degree in computer science, as that was my minor at the time. It seemed to me that the status of a relationship was more important to her than the quality of the relationship (pot calling the kettle black, yes, I realize). For example, there was a dance on campus that she wanted to go to, pretty much just to take pictures of the two of us together so she could show them to friends and family. But as for the dance itself, it was more of the same that had been happening before: awkward silence, short conversations, lots of looking around at anything other than each other.
After a while, I decided that, for both of our sakes, I needed to break things off. I didn't want to waste her time when I knew that my heart wasn't in it anymore. So, at the beginning of April, I drove over to her dorm, and we talked it over in my car for a while. At the end, we hugged one last time, and I haven't seen her since.
I think a key component in the decision I made is the fact that I reconnected with some old friends from high school, who are still local, even though they are going to another university. Over Christmas break, I hung out with them for the first time since the pandemic as, during that time, I ended up having a falling out with them over some dumb high school drama and political differences. To my surprise, they had changed a lot, and had managed to pull themselves out of the incel trajectory that I had seen them beginning to fall down during high school. They were kinder, more accepting people. My surprise was matched only by my pride in them. I had feared and assumed the worst of them, and I couldn't have been happier to be proven wrong. Since then, I've been invited back into their group chats, and I see them in-person with some regularity, when our schedules allow it.
I think having that connection made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being single again, and since the break up, I've been able to rely on them for support, laughs, and just feeling like I have somewhere I belong. Before, I found myself desperate for any kind of connection and fell into a cycle of denying myself that connection because I was convinced that, since it didn't just present itself, I wasn't worthy of it.
And maybe it has something to do with that, but on the drive home from my now-ex's dorm (though I still wonder if I should/could really call her an ex. Sure, we agreed to make things "official", but we still only dated for a few months), I felt my perspective on, well, at the risk of sounding over-dramatic or overly romantic, everything, being to change.
And I guess that's what the title of this post is about. The things I've begun to realize in the time leading up to and following that break-up.
Above all else, I've realized the importance of connection. If I didn't have a stable friend group again, I don't know where I'd be. Probably still in a stale relationship, clinging on and trying to convince myself that I'm not feeling the way that I'm feeling. I have people to talk with again, to confide in when I feel stressed or depressed. I go out and do things again, which I didn't realize I hadn't really done very much since the pandemic.
But I know that for a lot of people who are/were in the position I had been in, finding friends is difficult. If it weren't for my unique circumstances of being reunited with an old, estranged group of friends, I would absolutely be in the same position. I still really struggle with social anxiety, and talking to new people is a huge struggle for me. So, I've also had some realizations that don't have as much to do with the friendship side of things, and I hope that these can be of some use to people who also struggle with social anxiety.
I know that the idea of "working on yourself" is cliche and overused, so I won't frame it exactly like that. In my opinion, saying it like that makes it sound too daunting and tedious, and having been in those dark, dark places myself, I know that it was the last thing I wanted to hear. So, instead, I like to think of it this way. It's more like living in spite of your circumstances. Over the course of this past year, I essentially shut my life down, because I was so convinced that there was no point, because I felt that I knew that I would never be loved or accepted. Now, I feel an urge to go on living for myself, almost in direct spite of the fear that I may be forever alone. It's a fear that I still deal with, and who knows, maybe things will end up that way.
And, I suppose, that leads into my main realization, which is sort of an extension/restatement of the last one, now that I think about it. I now feel the desire to accumulate enough in my life, to reach a point where I am satisfied enough, that I can rest knowing that I will be okay, with or without a relationship. Before, my self-worth was almost entirely attached to my relationship status, and my lack of romantic experience. Now, I realize that a relationship can only come when I don't need it, or at least don't feel that I need it. Being a huge nerd and a writer, I think a lot about quotes from books, shows, movies, and games that have stuck with and there's one from God of War: Ragnarok that comes to mind here (by the way, I actually highly recommend playing or watching a playthrough of God of War 2018 and Ragnarok if you've struggled with masculinity in the same way I have, the music and cutscenes from those games have actually helped to pull me out of some mental spirals about my self-worth and identity as a man). It comes from a scene in which Kratos confronts his younger self, and is trying to decide if he is willing/ready to be a god again:
"Should I lose everything and everyone, will there still be enough left inside so that I do not become you? I do not know. But I have hope."
It's a quote that resonates with me now more than ever (even though it's from a DLC that just came out around Christmas, lol). I know now that I want to get to a place where there is enough left inside me that I know I'll never fall into that dark mental state again.
Something else that I've noticed has happened is the return of my passions for my hobbies and interests, especially for writing. I don't want to sound too arrogant, but I think I've begun to realize an important goal for my writing. If I'm lucky enough, I want to be able to write and release stories that explore masculinity and isolation, and, if I can, I want to create stories that can help guide other young men and boys who have struggled in the way I have and continue to do. I want to create characters who serve as positive male role models, who are emotionally strong, intelligent, and kind. I want to write stories of personal redemption, and show that no one is truly ever too far gone to be able to recover. If my writing could help even just one person who is struggling, then I would consider my career to be a success.
At the risk of being too cheesy, I'd like to end this very long-winded post with another quote, this one from a YouTube channel I recently discovered, and one I would highly recommend to just about anyone: Cinema Therapy. It's from their video about "A Silent Voice", which also happens to be one of my favorite movies, and one of my main inspirations when it comes to the kinds of stories I want to tell.
"Depression doesn't go away, doesn't lift for most people. But there's a capacity to feel again. There's a capacity to feel joy. The cure for so many things is connection. And we may think 'no one want to connect with me.' But we just need to find the right people."
I think the only thing I would add to that is that, in my opinion, the connection can also be with yourself.

SO, since the new ork codex dropped, i have been having a hard time finding a place for the great green beast. In a world of "ard as nails being an eligible strat for it i found it quite useful as a beatstick, 1 cp to drag almost any wounding down to a 4+ was great, as there is no way i have ever seen to hide it. Now that the big squig is locked out of 'ard as nails, i have been having a time not being able to find a spot for it in lists. It is too much of a fire magnet, as well as expensive in and of its self to dedicate transport to it, as anything more expensive than a unit of ork boys or burnas risk too much of falling out and breaking their necks. So, has anyone found a good use for it in this book, or am i just waaaaay off mark here and not understanding its role well enough
 
++ Army Roster (Xenos - Orks) [2,000pts] ++
 
+ Configuration +
 
Battle Size: 2. Strike Force (2000 Point limit)
 
Detachment: War Horde
 
Show/Hide Options: Legends are visible, Unaligned Forces are visible, Unaligned Fortifications are visible
 
+ Character +
 
Warboss [65pts]: Attack squig, Power klaw
 
Warboss [85pts]: Attack squig, Headwoppa’s Killchoppa, Power klaw
 
Warboss [80pts]: Attack squig, Power klaw, Supa-Cybork Body
 
Warboss in Mega Armour [105pts]: Follow Me Ladz, Warlord
 
+ Battleline +
 
Boyz [85pts]
. Boss Nob
. . Power klaw and slugga
. 9x Boy w/ Slugga and choppa: 9x Choppa, 9x Slugga
 
Boyz [85pts]
. Boss Nob
. . Power klaw and slugga
. 9x Boy w/ Slugga and choppa: 9x Choppa, 9x Slugga
 
+ Infantry +
 
Gretchin [40pts]
. 1 Runtherd and 10 Gretchin
. . 10x Gretchin: 10x Close combat weapon, 10x Grot blasta
 
Gretchin [40pts]
. 1 Runtherd and 10 Gretchin
. . 10x Gretchin: 10x Close combat weapon, 10x Grot blasta
 
Meganobz [180pts]
. 6x Meganob w/ Twin killsaw: 6x Twin killsaw
 
Nobz [210pts]
. Boss Nob
. . Slugga and power klaw
. 9x Nob w/ Slugga and power klaw: 9x Power klaw, 9x Slugga
 
Stormboyz [65pts]
. Boss Nob: Power klaw
. 4x Stormboy: 4x Choppa, 4x Slugga
 
Stormboyz [65pts]
. Boss Nob: Power klaw
. 4x Stormboy: 4x Choppa, 4x Slugga
 
+ Monster +
 
Gargantuan Squiggoth [440pts]: Supa-kannon
 
+ Vehicle +
 
Battlewagon [160pts]: 4x Big shoota, Grabbin' klaw, Lobba, Tracks and wheels, Wreckin' ball, ’Ard Case
 
Deffkoptas [100pts]
. 3x Deffkopta: 3x Kopta rokkits, 3x Slugga, 3x Spinnin’ blades
 
+ Dedicated Transport +
 
Trukk [65pts]: Wreckin' ball
 
Trukk [65pts]: Wreckin' ball
 
Trukk [65pts]: Wreckin' ball
 
++ Total: [2,000pts] ++
 
Created with BattleScribe

Tl;Dr: my mom is mad I won't let her or her boyfriend hold my newborn after he travels internationally. I'm annoyed.
So I'm due with my second baby at the end of August. My mom's boyfriend lives in England and we live in America. He is planning on visiting the first week of September. I don't have the best relationship with my mom, but it's... fine. I had my first baby during lockdown, pre vaccine, so we had to be careful then too. When my sister had hers, my mom stayed with her for two weeks to "help" and that would be a situation I would never agree to anyway lol.
Her boyfriend is actually a great guy. It's a bit of an odd story, but I've known him all my life and he and my late dad were good friends. I'm looking forward to his visit, but out of precaution for my newborn, I don't feel comfortable with him holding her after he's traveled from England, stayed a few days in New York City, then makes his way to my mom's house.
I told this to my mom on Mother's Day and it didn't go over well. She had apparently made plans of taking an extended leave from work both for his visit, and to help with my newborn. I never agreed to that, and will not be changing my mind. I told her I'm also not comfortable with her holding and cuddling my newborn when he's here because if he has any sicknesses, she would be carrying it too. I'm fine with visits if the boyfriend says they're feeling fine, just not holding the baby.
My mom was a nightmare during COVID and was deceitful then too. Another weird story, but I found out through the local news of all places she was lying to me about visiting family who are huge COVID deniers and were living life as if COVID weren't a thing. I wasn't falling for it anyway and still not letting her visit, but I was furious she had been lying. It wasn't surprising though.
My immediate family avoided COVID until last year when she showed up for our scheduled plans with COVID, said nothing, and accidentally sneezed in my husband's face. I would trust her boyfriend to tell me if anything we're going on, but I know for a fact my mom wouldn't and I don't want to risk it.
This is really just a vent since it feels like even out of the pandemic, my mom is trying to push every boundary again when she is my children's grandma and should be on board with not giving a literal newborn any risks to sickness. She is the most drama filled person I know and is just exhausting in general. I'm good at holding boundaries and cannot and will not be persuaded, but the fact it has to be like this is just beyond annoying.