Saying for quilt labels

Two months ago, I [21M] broke up with my ex girlfriend [19F]. We dated for a little over 9 months, & for the majority of that time I truly felt that I had met the person I’d spend the rest of my life with. I know we’re young & that everyone thinks that, but please try to be as understanding as you can - I’m sure you were also once young & in love & know how intense that can be. Toward the end, we began to argue very often, & it took a toll on me. Though I loved her & was still in love when we split, I wasn’t emotionally energetic enough to give her the relationship she deserved, & in not showing up for her I only wore myself down more, so I came to the difficult conclusion that it was time to part ways for the time being. My intention was to hopefully get back together if she still wanted to, when I knew I could be the boyfriend she deserved. Some things happened in the following week that made me decide getting back together wasn’t really possible anymore, but that’s neither here nor there.
Now that some time has passed & I am able to look at the relationship a little more objectively, I realize that I allowed myself to be verbally & even emotionally abused, not infrequently throughout the course of our dating. To preface, I must admit that I have a very, very lengthy sexual history. I know that’s not a desirable trait for anyone, but she knew that from the start & I have never been anything but entirely, fiercely, overtly faithful, both in this last relationship & those of the past. I know that having such a history carries a certain reputation, & so I would go above & beyond to prove past any doubt that I was committed & passionate about my relationship. This included, but was not limited to, unfollowing every girl I had ever kissed on social media (as per her request), deleting all even slightly flirty comments from girls on my posts (even the ones from years before we had met), skipping all social events with women present if my ex wasn’t there, & quite literally not speaking to women in any capacity that wasn’t unavoidable or necessary. Though extreme, I viewed these things as no-brainers & happily did them so I could hammer home the fact that every last cell in my body was entirely committed to my relationship.
At times though, certain things would provoke my ex to say some very hurtful & incendiary things, & until now, I did not give myself the courtesy of acknowledging the fact that she was wrong in doing so. On multiple occasions (more than 5, less than 10?), she repeatedly called me a whore, a slut, that I was “ran through”, “for the streets”, etc. She told me that I am less of a person because of my sexual history, & that she viewed me as such because of it. She told me that a girl I went on one single date with in high school (nothing even remotely sexual ever happened, not even a hug) was “too good for me” & “out of my league”. She told me that she didn’t know how to date someone like me, & that it hurt to date me. She called me easy, that she was disgusted by me, & that she hated me many times. The last time this happened, I had begged her not to be mean to me, & she told me that “as long as I kept acting like a whore, she’s gonna keep calling me a whore”. This was in response to the fact that in deleting the comments as I mentioned earlier, I missed three (I was entirely unaware of this, & deleted them immediately when she told me they were there). She also deleted all pictures of me off her social media because of this, because she didn’t want to “represent herself as the girlfriend of a whore”. There is almost certainly more, but after a while I became numb to it & that’s all I can list off the top of my head.
I’m entirely conscious & aware that no one wants to date someone with my history. I’m lucky enough to be pretty good looking & personable, & because it was more or less always available, I used sex to cope with emotional & personal struggles that I wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle otherwise. It was a crutch & a vice, & I regret not looking inwardly sooner to curb some of my behaviors. For a few reasons I’ve been in therapy for a few years, which has both helped me gain insight into my sexual past as well as helping me become a person which I am proud to feel is now far more mature & emotionally mature than I once was. I never once raised my voice or spoke unkindly to my ex, & I felt that her words & actions to me were okay because love obscured my better judgement. There was once where I hid aspects of my past, which was wrong & I regret doing so deeply, but I came clean & did my best to offer the full truth as soon as possible (which didn’t excuse the initial dishonesty, but was the best thing I could have done afterward).
Though I regretted aspects of my past before, I was never ashamed of myself or had the self consciousness that I do now. Whether consciously or unconsciously, she manufactured an insecurity by convincing me that I was less of a person for my past, & now I believe it. I worry that I will end up alone, that I’m used goods & no one will see past my baggage. I wish more than anything that I could somehow erase this aspect of my past, or that I could magically forget about it so I could pretend to start over. I’m angry at myself for letting her speak to me like that & convincing myself that I was the problem, & I’m mad at her for continuing to abuse me after I begged her not to be mean to me. I was hesitant to call it abuse for some time, but I know that if I saw this happen to someone else, that’s what I would label it. I have a collection of screenshots in my phone of these texts, & every so often I reread them to remind myself of the reality of our relationship. It hurts, but I can’t keep looking. In a way though, it is comforting to know that I left something I shouldn’t have been in - part of me just feels stupid that it took so long to realize that she was wrong.

Both can exist, I can care for you and not want to be around you, I can feel hurt and want to comfort you because I know you will beat yourself up for it a thousand fold. It seems suspicious or manipulative to you, I can't change that, it makes you trust me less like there's some big finale waiting for you. I can't change that, I can forgive you and comfort you for hurting me when you were in pain because of my actions, my thoughtless actions, my selfish indulgences, my betrayal. I am far from "good" but I'm not going to accept that I'm all bad, my love for you hasn't disappeared, it never had, my biggest fear in life is that my love, my affection and need for an outlet to express it, my way of showing someone. That it is burdensome, that it's laboursome to pretend to reciprocate, that I'm creating for you a stressful situation. That I am embarrassing myself and not being proud enough to care. That once I let someone see me, I let them in, it'll be too much like I warned. I won't be fun to be around I'll be someone you dread but feel too bad to leave, that I'll only be that annoyance when I feel something for you, my feelings have always made people leave.
I'm not boo hooing it, my mother was quite traumatized being a first gen immigrant with a bunch of kids and an abusive husband/addict to deal with and try to survive with. She dealt with this, idk how but she did, and she took her frustrations out on us when we were frustrating ofc, but I was exceptionally annoying and the youngest once we came to the west. I had no experience with the dynamics of a middle eastern home, I didn't have the same understanding or indoctrination, so I didn't get why things were a certain way. I wasn't ever what I was supposed to be, not skinny enough, not girly enough, not quiet enough, not helpful enough, I forgot basic things. Etc etc.
I remember asking her for hugs because my friend at school would do that, and by the 3rd time she told me it's improper but she would hug me. When I retell that story I say it was my sister because I am ashamed of how broken my upbringing was, and I dint want it to take credit or label the person I am today, but it has affected me deeply, I'm terrified of no longer being of value to those I love, I'm scared of losing them because I need affection and love, and idk how to express any emotion unless it's anger. I don't even know what the fuck my emotions are, they're just bothersome in different ways.
So, when you did what you did, and you saw me in my entirety, I was forced into that intimacy and honesty, idk why I didn't run from it, the truth is I knew I loved you when it didn't matter so much that you had done it, but why and what did you think I thought, I couldn't stomach you feeling like I hated you or that I didn't really care or that I had reminded you of something unpleasant. I don't know. I knew it was you for a while, I had a suspicion back on psn when I messaged you, and yes I guess it was like me knowing something you thought I didn't know, I was able to see you in some ways, without your knowledge back, it wasn't anywhere neaR that, but what I saw was a beautiful, thoughtful, kind, encouraging man. Someone that didn't want you to know they did something nice for you, you just did or said it because you believed it.
And then I felt something back from you that night, I wanted to hold you, even the bullshit letters about grumbles being Incel or something, do you remember how I cried for you, do those moments matter to you at all. I wanted to love you, in my clustered head, I knew that part for sure. And I told you one night when I felt fucking gay. And your response shattered me man, you said it was a responsibility, the same way you told your friend about my history and didn't know what you were getting into.
And then it clicked, every warning, every non apology, every time I reached out to you. Every moment you made me feel safe before all this, when I cried to you about what happened, because it was still happening with my family. Every post satirising it. Every time I believed or had faith in better I chose you, my whole heart jumped in to get obliterated but I chose you. Don't ever say I didn't.
And now I'm here, trying to stop loving you, trying to hurt so much making each post about me, about you laughing at me, you tricking me, I am trying so fucking hard to remove you from me. I begged you to just tell me what you want, tell me why you're still watching. But you won't. I can't flash my stuff and get a new modem restart yet. I can't say goodbye to you forever. I wait for the day I no longer hope for you, no longer have faith in you, the day I stop remembering you with love. The day I stop wanting to comfort this bullshit. It was real to me. It was real to you too, you don't get to rescind the affection for me, the warmth. You don't get to reach through time and make it a joke.
I don't understand but it feels cruel, I don't get why you'd feel it was warranted for this long. If I have sinned tell me. Tell me so I can try to fix it. Maybe I won't be able to, but please don't take away my chance to try. I don't want to be so fucking clueless about myself, I don't want to be the last to know I hurt someone, I don't want to hurt anyone ever. If it can be helped, I promise I will listen. I don't want to be a bad influence or neglegent to those I love, I don't do it perfectly, or even correctly at times. I legitimately have no clue when it comes to myself, with others I can see so much, be curious about so much, when it comes to myself I feel like I'm emulating what is socially appropriate or what would perhaps feel nice or be good for someone. Please? Tell me what you've seen that I haven't. I don't want to be anyone's partner or mother one day with this fucking pit in my stomach, with these horrible idk traits and misunderstandings, or self indulgences I wallahi don't see an issue with until its pointed out. Fuck man.

I bought what was listed as a "mountain hardwear kor AIRSHELL", took the tags off after trying it on, but since then I've seen a small label on the inside that says it's the PRESHELL, which is the cheaper, older, and nit as good version of the more expensive AIRSHELL.
Can I return it because its not the jacket he advertised it as? Even though it says on his page you can't return items if the tags been removed?
I'm quite disappointed because the price looked good for an airshell but its actually the correct price for the preshell, which I specifically didn't want.
Thanks

For more context, I am a restuarant worker in California. The other day I was evaluated for promotion for the server position at my job, and the evaluation is that I am great and friendly with everyone, very synergetic and helpful to the team and a fast learner, but I dont "handle stress well enough" and is less "warm to guests" when it guess busier and I just try to process through a long line faster. Regardless of whether that is true or not, I think that these metrics are very subjective to begin with, and I dont think it's fair that my company is going to tell me how I handle stress or if that is even any if their business.
For more context, I come from a very abusive background with a lot of trauma and mental health burden, and I dont have a lot of mental health support as I dont have family, really many friends who understand what I'm going through and give me proper support, and any S.O. so mentally I'm dealing with way more stress and burden than most if not all my co workers. To be labeled as "not resilient enough" or being told as an abuse survivor that "I crack under pressure" or "dont handle stress well enough" is extremely mentally damaging and offensive to me, as I am also one of their best workers. Even if they're not aware of my background, I dont think they should go around making comments like that or judging us when they dont know what we are going through. It's not like my mental health has ever affected my performance (beside the intangibles that I'm not as "warm to guests under pressure" which I also dont agree with) as I've never had any performance reports and everyone at work knows I am one of the best and most competent workers there and yet people who dont do a better job (I would say I am a relatively objective person) than me are chosen to be promoted over me.
Because of this incident it triggered my panick attacks and I cried for 2/3 days straight. My brain was so overworked from the mental stress on top of all the previous mental breakdowns I've already been through that it is now in a concussion like state where I cant think or do difficult tasks or multitask or it hurts. I couldn't go to work for a few days cuz I genuinely couldnt smile and when I tried to say "welcome in" I just broke down in tears. It got so bad where the mental trauma has made it difficult for me to even speak and I had to watch speech therapy videos. I feel like as one of the hardest workers I am grossly mistreated and misjudged by something that's out of my control. I feel like this incident on my mental health is severe enough for me to do something about it or it doesnt feel right. Does anyone know if I can file for a mental health wirkers compensation for this incident, and if so what I need to do or prove my case? Thank you
TL;DR Can I file a workers comp for mental health stress if my management gave me a mental breakdown and trauma to the point where I couldn't work for a few days.

• I dont even know if this journey is true for me or a refuge for my unhealthy attachment issues? Feels so strongly the former not the mind the feeling with all the above which means it true then and feels like losing game idk i am so exhausted and lost and hope and not hope and feel this intense need to be with him and feel pathetic also cause if i would want him why would i feel pathetic about this feeling then means I actually dont want him dont like him and i am pretending and he cant be this and maybe my ego and mind is super hard to crack but ig he came to just trigger a bit and leave and make me aware of it not like tf’s fix it cause it sure seems like that been months and months now and still after separation the same so what does that mean? And maybe all this is is just another heartbreak and i dont even want him i am just obsessing cause i am in the habit of it ig and about union and never being together idk all for this or nothing? But how does it matter .. if thats all that matters then again jts isnt true thats it
  
• Everyone says they feel signs and energies and know that this person is their tf in the depths and depths of their heart and i keep saying idk cause the answer is no because yes would be simple and idk is because its no but i can’t accept that doesn’t change the fact that it stands true that isnt tho and i dont even think i had signs or depth of connection or feeling on oneness with and without him with myself and the knowing idk what to even say about that and if i cant shake the feeling about him not being my tf with all the above just states it right?
  
• So maybe i am so lost cause its not from god and i cant shake that feeling and him coming back more than once just proves that.. somedays the relationship was toxic which idk i mean why would you want someone like that and if i think so and believe so it already stands true.
  
• I have heard even with all the doubts people just know in the depths of their hearts they will be together but for me i truly don’t like how much ever i think we are i always come back to oh no we are not and never were or can be and this is just me trying to hold on and resisting the fact that we arent and me feeling so in pain is because of this resistance itself
  
• I mean you just know they are your tf and no one can tell you and also there is unconditional love and self love for oneself that comes with it but currently as you can see i am only obsessing over this person and in so much pain over it that i don’t understand and also dont feel like i am loving self or that came to me naturally you obsess with yoy not this person maybe it’s this stubbornness that if and when i have him back i will feel worth it and not like a lesson but like a wound and maybe a leason idk
  
• lastly the biggest thing again is idk how to explain but i just dont know why i am not accepting and doing all this to distract myself from the fact that the initial energy the connection maybe i actually didn’t feel any and the relationship doesn’t look like what tf relationships are supposed to look and also this constant feeling that he just isnt and it comes back everytime i think he is… okay the mind and ego could be but if i am not ready to accept that he isnt it again just reinforces that and i only have this feeling it cant lie my mind is just stuck on this label and what we could be and could not and so i am selfishly asking god also but doesn’t change it and the feeling on the inside that he isn’t and i am obsessed
  

In the world of football, the media's narrative can sometimes overshadow reality. Take Trent Alexander-Arnold's recent performances. Despite a slew of high-profile interviews on Sky Sports, CNN, and Gary Neville's The Overlap, his actual gameplay, backed by stats and player ratings, tells a different story.
This season, Trent's performances have been underwhelming. Averaging a 6.64/10 on 'This Is Anfield'—a site known for its local, and potentially biased, Liverpool journalists—his ratings reflect mediocrity, not the excellence often portrayed. Gary Neville, in particular, praised even his most mundane plays as 'extraordinary,' despite them being routine for most players at this level.
Yes, Trent has shown flashes of brilliance, notably in December and against Fulham, but these moments are exceptions rather than the rule. His overall contributions this season—3 goals and 4 assists—lag behind those of other fullbacks like Ben White, Pedro Porro, even Kieran Trippier and Alfie Doughty have more, not to mention midfielders like Declan Rice, Pascal Groß, or Rodri, who juggle more defensive duties. He's on the same goal involvements as Coufal, who is seen as having a poor season.
The media's quickness to label someone "world-class" based on a few decent performances exacerbates this disconnect. Yesterday's match is a prime example: Trent's performance was average, yet Neville lauded every pass he made. While Trent indeed possesses a remarkable passing range, this skill was hardly necessary, nor displayed, in that game.
Is the media narrative too quick to crown players based on sparse highlights, ignoring the broader context of their overall season? Let's discuss how media portrayal can sometimes create a misleading aura of greatness around players, potentially affecting their public perception and career trajectory.
EDIT: This is my first post on here and I have to say this sub is far superior in terms of conversation than any of the other football subs. You can have debates that are mature and honest without the nastiness.

Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?

Baby, are you alright? You look like you’re about to cry

Aww, come here, come here. I’m sorry she bothered you. It will not happen again, I’ll talk to her

Did she hurt you?

I’m not just talking about physically, babe. What about your feelings? Are you okay?

Aww, I’m sure you’re hurt. Tell me, what did she did to you?

No, no, tell me, don’t cover up for her. I’ve seen you look bothered for weeks after you two each other met and I know, it was her. Now, tell me what did she do. No filter, please.

Your hand is red and limp, did you two get on a fight?

You slipped? Are you okay, baby? How did you slip?

You turned to walk away after she told you that? Fucking hell, who the fuck does she think she is?!

And the fact that she pulled you back causing your arm to go limp, that’s unacceptable.

Yeah, she may “just” told you that we met longer before I met you but she’s clearly implying on something else. That’s disgusting.

So what if her and I met longer? I love you more.

No, absolutely not. I don’t like her, she’s not my type, no I did not think about dating her-just no, okay?

What else did she told you? I know she must’ve said something hurt since you almost cried. I don’t like it when someone makes you cry…
Come on baby, tell me.
It’s ok, she’s not here you’ve got nothing to worry about

Yes, you can trust me, you can tell me anything baby. Tell me what she did to you
...
Woah, hold on, let me get this straight. She told you that I said to her that she’s better than you? Hell fucking no, I would never trade you for anything in this world. God knows how much I suffered and prepared for you to be my girlfriend.

I don’t see her anything more than friends, maybe an acquaintance now that I knew what she had done to you

You know what, I’m cutting her off. She doesn’t have any right to talk to you like that

And so what if we had been friends longer than we are together?! You’re my girlfriend and you matter more than her.

Look, I’ve already noticed how she treats at you whenever we pass each other at the hallway and I knew she’s bothering you a bunch. I’ve heard rumours of it too so don’t try to hide anything, I know everything.

Baby, look at me. You don’t look well, I know you’re scared and embarrassed but I’m already here, you don’t have to feel those things anymore

Why don’t you go at the new ice cream place that just opened behind our school? Sounds fun, yeah?

You can go first and I’ll follow after you. I have to meet up with my “friends”

…

Hey! You have no right to take other girls down to shine a brighter light on you

Yes, my girlfriend told me everything and ah, ah, ah. Before you open your mouth to say something, shut. It.

So what if we knew each other longer than I’ve been with my girlfriend? I love her more
You know what, it looks like talking to you doesn’t resolve the issue I’ve come to talk to you about. If anything, you’re acting worse than you originally do.

What’s wrong with you?! Can you stop bringing up my girlfriend here?

She’s not the issue we’re talking about, it’s you

She hit you? How? (scoff) that’s why her hand was red and limp. But she got to me first. The reason why she hit you is because she slipped from the so called “prank” you pulled on her and karma worked so fast you got hit right after

Hell, no, where did you even got that? She’s not abusing me just because she accidentally hit you

(Scoff) oh, really? Is this what you’ve been telling other people? I look better with you? Fucking hell, do you know you’re embarrassing yourself? Do you even hear yourself right now?

I don’t even like you that way and the more I talk to you, the more respect for you leaves my body.

From now on, we are not friends anymore. Don’t contact me, don’t find me, don’t even bother.

And if I hear you’re targeting my girlfriend again, you know I don’t play nice whenever people wrong my people.

…

(door bell chimes)

Hey baby, did I make you wait too long?

You look a lot better now. What’s up?

What about me stand up to you? Aren’t boyfriends supposed to do that?

Not that I’m aware of, I’m pretty sure I protected you from stuff like this before

It’s different? How come?

Ohhh, it feels different now that we’re labelled as something? (laugh)

You just... you're the only one who can make me feel like this. Not one person is more important to me than you.

You deserve so much more than what you were given.

Aww, you even already git us ice creams, these looks so good. I should be the one treating you…

A reward? For me?
(laugh) you’re cute. Come here, I think my brave girl deserves a reward too (kiss)


MUST READ:

· Ok for monetizing

· Ad libs are also ok

· You can also change pronouns depending to your likes but please do not change the whole script

· I give you the freedom of sound effects, timings, the way you pronounce it, your delivery, all to your liking!

· If you ever use this script, do not forget to credit me and send me link of your video I’d love to watch them!

Growing up, my folks were super insistent on us wearing 100% cotton shirts and shorts, especially with Malaysia's scorching hot weather. But lately, I've stumbled upon clothing that claims to be even cooler than cotton, boasting about being "10x breathable" and "effective in wicking moisture and releases heat to keep you cool." Curious, I checked the material label and found it's mostly made of nylon. I'm confused though, because everything I've heard says nylon isn't breathable and traps heat and moisture, leading to more sweat. I've googled it and even asked around, but the opinions are mixed. So, what's the real deal here, and which fabric is generally recommended for hot weather?

Some would say that the work of Aphex Twin most of the time is pretty Hardcore by itself - at least when he doesn't go for ambient, "soft" techno and similar deliberately "mellow" outings. And it's true that a lot of his output has a pretty harsh, abrasive, unsettling, straight-kick-to-your-teeth quality (and we mean that in the most positive of ways). Especially to new listeners that might not be acquainted with his oeuvre (if such people still exist). Yet, there were times when Aphex produced *literally* Hardcore tracks; i.e. stuff that fits all the requirements and definitions of the Hardcore Techno genre (while still going beyond its limits, of course). Hammerhead distorted drums in a 4/4 fashion, needles-harp percussion, walls of distortion, noises and sounds... Tracks that, when dropped in gabber club, would make the crowd go into a riot (or make their heads pop off in a loud bang right away, at least).
Thus, here we are lookin' at 7 Aphex Twin tracks that we consider... to be literally Hardcore!
#1. Garden Of Limniri Released under his Caustic Windows alias in 1993 on the Joyrex J9 EP. This is truly a Hardcore blaster! Some of the most mean, dirty, evil distorted drums in Techno get unleashed in this tracks. Joined by all sorts of hellish, over-ly distorted noises and fx. This track predates extreme Hardcore genres like Noizecore, Industrial Hardcore, Speedcore by a few years (or decades) but already shows many of the elements that define these genres. And, let's face it, this track is even multiple times rougher than the majority of the output in the aforementioned genres!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7tdyj8LgoY
#2. Fantasia Also from the Joyrex J9 EP. If you thought it couldn't get more chaotic and disordered... well, then there is this track. Basically another wall of heavy beats and shrill noises (or shrill beats and heavy noises), but in an extremely frantic way. A 4/4, "Gabber style" rhythm could not really be found here, but it's very Hardcore nevertheless!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dtZusVodpI
#3. We Have Arrived (Aphex Twin QQT Mix) We Have Arrived is usually classified as the first real "Hardcore" track in the history of Techno. Produced by Marc Acardipane aka the Mover, and released in late 1989, it really signaled the arrival of a new era. Marc went on and build his Planet Core Productions empire of (sub)labels and (sub)artists, which eventually became one of the most famous ventures in Hardcore and Techno (and is still hugely influential and respected to this day). Being friends with Marc, the Aphex Twin decided to remix this track, and oh boy, what do we got here! Once again a true monster of a drum that crushes everything that gets in its way, and a rampage of screaming synths, hihats, and otherwise positively deranged things. If there is one Techno track that truly sounds like it was recorded in a steelworks factory, it must be this one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEWrnzsdxBI
#4. Isoprophlex Any Gabber-head who thinks he doesn't know his track probably at least knows *parts of it* - namely, the bassdrum of this track. Because it later got sampled and re-used 1000s of times in many classic and modern hardcore tracks. and its likely one of the most used drum sources in a gabber track when a 909 (or 909 clone) is not used. but let us get back to the track itself. once again, a non 4/4 affair, but very hardcore nevertheless. the broken, unusual drum sequence loops and hammers away without remorse while dark, but also soothing tones appear and disappear in this track; which actually generates a very interesting contrast! one of the first truly "dark" tracks on the hardcore spectrum.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f989fl5TphY
#5. We Have Arrived (Aphex Twin TTQ Mix)
the second remix to we have arrived; some of the elements and the mood are retained, but this time the rhythm is broken and unsteady, and generally more subtle. a bona fide precursor of the more "industrial" side of later hardcore and techno developments.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cTXOIyTPSY
#6. We Are The Music Makers (Hardcore Mix) Any aphex twin fan probably knows one of the incarnations of this track with the famous "we are the music makers..." sample; which is actually a quote from a very interesting late 19th century Irish poem (look it up!). As the track name implies, this is the "hardcore mix" of the track; and it's very hardcore indeed! similarly to isoprophlex it more relies on non 4/4, broken rhythms to hammer the nail into the wall; but that's nothing to complain about! and there also is an onslaught of unsettling, haunting drones, synths, notes... which again gives this track a mood between hardcore brashness and dark contemplation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RESZ3x-yFHg
#7. Quoth
probably the most well-known track on this list, right? a true aphex twin classic and again a track that most of his fans will know "inside out". here we have a straight, direct rhythm once more, supported by a ferocious beating drum together with suitable percussion. the whole track has an otherworldly alien feel, and also evokes the images of heavy machinery. the drum itself has also been a sample source favorite for many hardcore and other producers. well done, aphex twin!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY8QQocP5G8

Some would say that the work of Aphex Twin most of the time is pretty Hardcore by itself - at least when he doesn't go for ambient, "soft" techno and similar deliberately "mellow" outings. And it's true that a lot of his output has a pretty harsh, abrasive, unsettling, straight-kick-to-your-teeth quality (and we mean that in the most positive of ways). Especially to new listeners that might not be acquainted with his oeuvre (if such people still exist). Yet, there were times when Aphex produced *literally* Hardcore tracks; i.e. stuff that fits all the requirements and definitions of the Hardcore Techno genre (while still going beyond its limits, of course). Hammerhead distorted drums in a 4/4 fashion, needles-harp percussion, walls of distortion, noises and sounds... Tracks that, when dropped in gabber club, would make the crowd go into a riot (or make their heads pop off in a loud bang right away, at least).
Thus, here we are lookin' at 7 Aphex Twin tracks that we consider... to be literally Hardcore!
#1. Garden Of Limniri Released under his Caustic Windows alias in 1993 on the Joyrex J9 EP. This is truly a Hardcore blaster! Some of the most mean, dirty, evil distorted drums in Techno get unleashed in this tracks. Joined by all sorts of hellish, over-ly distorted noises and fx. This track predates extreme Hardcore genres like Noizecore, Industrial Hardcore, Speedcore by a few years (or decades) but already shows many of the elements that define these genres. And, let's face it, this track is even multiple times rougher than the majority of the output in the aforementioned genres!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7tdyj8LgoY
#2. Fantasia Also from the Joyrex J9 EP. If you thought it couldn't get more chaotic and disordered... well, then there is this track. Basically another wall of heavy beats and shrill noises (or shrill beats and heavy noises), but in an extremely frantic way. A 4/4, "Gabber style" rhythm could not really be found here, but it's very Hardcore nevertheless!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dtZusVodpI
#3. We Have Arrived (Aphex Twin QQT Mix) We Have Arrived is usually classified as the first real "Hardcore" track in the history of Techno. Produced by Marc Acardipane aka the Mover, and released in late 1989, it really signaled the arrival of a new era. Marc went on and build his Planet Core Productions empire of (sub)labels and (sub)artists, which eventually became one of the most famous ventures in Hardcore and Techno (and is still hugely influential and respected to this day). Being friends with Marc, the Aphex Twin decided to remix this track, and oh boy, what do we got here! Once again a true monster of a drum that crushes everything that gets in its way, and a rampage of screaming synths, hihats, and otherwise positively deranged things. If there is one Techno track that truly sounds like it was recorded in a steelworks factory, it must be this one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEWrnzsdxBI
#4. Isoprophlex Any Gabber-head who thinks he doesn't know his track probably at least knows *parts of it* - namely, the bassdrum of this track. Because it later got sampled and re-used 1000s of times in many classic and modern hardcore tracks. and its likely one of the most used drum sources in a gabber track when a 909 (or 909 clone) is not used. but let us get back to the track itself. once again, a non 4/4 affair, but very hardcore nevertheless. the broken, unusual drum sequence loops and hammers away without remorse while dark, but also soothing tones appear and disappear in this track; which actually generates a very interesting contrast! one of the first truly "dark" tracks on the hardcore spectrum.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f989fl5TphY
#5. We Have Arrived (Aphex Twin TTQ Mix)
the second remix to we have arrived; some of the elements and the mood are retained, but this time the rhythm is broken and unsteady, and generally more subtle. a bona fide precursor of the more "industrial" side of later hardcore and techno developments.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cTXOIyTPSY
#6. We Are The Music Makers (Hardcore Mix) Any aphex twin fan probably knows one of the incarnations of this track with the famous "we are the music makers..." sample; which is actually a quote from a very interesting late 19th century Irish poem (look it up!). As the track name implies, this is the "hardcore mix" of the track; and it's very hardcore indeed! similarly to isoprophlex it more relies on non 4/4, broken rhythms to hammer the nail into the wall; but that's nothing to complain about! and there also is an onslaught of unsettling, haunting drones, synths, notes... which again gives this track a mood between hardcore brashness and dark contemplation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RESZ3x-yFHg
#7. Quoth
probably the most well-known track on this list, right? a true aphex twin classic and again a track that most of his fans will know "inside out". here we have a straight, direct rhythm once more, supported by a ferocious beating drum together with suitable percussion. the whole track has an otherworldly alien feel, and also evokes the images of heavy machinery. the drum itself has also been a sample source favorite for many hardcore and other producers. well done, aphex twin!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY8QQocP5G8

i'm not talking about publishers, because under section 230, publishers assume responsibility for what they publish. but platforms, which don't assume responsibility at all, but also want the privileges of censorship.
there is no reason this should be allowed. it's no different from the government stepping in to defend the 14th amendment via the civil rights act. it should also step in to defend the 1st amendment. people will say "it's a private company they should do what they're allowed to do" but they soy out when u mention that they're logic's conclusion is that the civil rights act should be repealed.
the fact of the matter is, our whole society is predicated on liberalism, and one of the key facets of liberalism along with personal liberty is also the views that information should be as accessible as possible. and this has massive societal benefits for obvious reasons, but also economic benefits.
for example, the problem with free market economies is that they're most effective when you have universal and perfect information, low barrier to entry, and in so many words to maximize competition. the government (rightfully imo) steps into keep these things at a reasonable level, by doing things like mandatory food labels, regulations on industries like utility, etc. but the greatest benefit to get our system politically and economically running right is to let people speak their mind openly. it's ludicrous to me how people are okay with a few corporate actors skewing the perceived landscape of beliefs a population. especially since humans are highly socially biased.
i know a fair criticism is that "giving the government more and more power is bad," and i see why people would say that, but think about it criticiallg. like the civil rights act, it's not rlly giving governments more power so much as allowing them to step in and defend basic rights, which predicate the whole system. because at the end of the day, just like socialism and communism, while it may seem appealing to some libertarian folks to maximize personal liberty and go into a capitalism, that society is inherently degenerative. of course nothing lasts for ever, but these systems only serve to centralize power and hurt the common man, including, in the long term, business owners.

I sent mine off and got a text next day or 2 days after it was past the dead line they put thr amount on my bill 800.
I called them I sent the phone off april 15th they got it and signed for it april 18th its now may 6th. Not 1 call from them to return the phone back to me or adjust my bill.
When I call they say oh you upgraded online and we're supposed to send your old phone back first.. I said no. Telus app said to upgrade I did it online to save extra fees like data transfer ect..
I got my new phone there was no return label. No email of dead line or text or call. So I called telus they told me to tale my phone to the telus store. So I did. Then they said they're just a dealer. So they call a rep who had them email me the canada post return label file was corrupted it said when I tried to open it. Then I got a barcord for them to scan right off my phone. If it was to late to send back why they do all that for me!? It's been a few weeks now. I keep calling back being passed off to people India dogs barking in the back ground. One rep even said what dis the last rep tell you... and she can't even say canada post she called it canada postal code every time.

Apologies. This will be long but I want this off my chest. I (34F) has a younger brother (31M). Dalawa lang kaming magkapatid and we were raised very closed by our parents. My father was a bus driver while my mother owns a small sari sari store. Laki kami sa hirap but our parents made sure to provide us with all our needs that's why it became our goal to really give back to them. 2010 when I graduated from college, I took the board exam and started working in a private school the same year. 2011 when my brother started college and took up Marine Engineering. His course was quite expensive so kahit hindi nag ask yung parents ko, I volunteered na ako na magpapa allowance sa kanya so tuition nalang poproblemahalin nila. Literal na ginapang ng magulang ko yung pag aaral nya. He graduated 2014 and nakasampa sya internationally the next year. That was also the same year na I was hired sa DepEd. That's when we started to build our parents dream home, I was the one who bought the land and sya sa construction ng bahay. Years later, I can say that were already financially stable but my parents were still working. Sabi nga ng Papa ko, baka daw manghina katawan nya if wala syang ginagawa at ayaw talaga nilang umasa sa amin financially. Never silang nanghingi sa amin. Even yung bills sa bahay sila nagbabayad. Bumibili nalang ako ng groceries kase hindi rin nila tinatanggap yung cash na bigay ko. Even their allotment from my brother, hindi din masyado nagagalaw. But 2021 happened, Papa had a mild stoke in May then Mama in September. Papa recovered easily but Mama had to undergo therapy. So we hired a househelp since hindi ko rin sila mabantayan since I was assigned in a far flung area. Pero Mama was very meticulous and would often complain about our househelp. There was also a time na may mga pera na nawawala sa tindahan namin. So my brother and I had a talk and he asked me if I could resign from work para ako na yung magbantay sa parents namin. I had a difficult time saying yes pero nag agree rin ako later on since I was thinking na I could back anytime sa work but hindi yung time na maalagaan ko yung parents ko. Dec 2022 when he introduced to us his gf, the girl worked in a hotel and she was actually very pretty. Shen stayed Christmas til New Year sa bahay namin but we never had the chance to get close kase palagi lang kapatud ko yung Kasama at kausap nya. June 2023 when my brother informed me na may plan na sila magpakasal, I don't have any problem with that since nasa tamang edad na sya. But the problem came noong nagstart na yung preparations. Miss Ma'am keeps on asking about our properties. Kung kanino ba nakapangalan yung bahay and even yung sasakyan. Lahat yun under my name since I was the one who bought the land and sa akin din pinangalan ng kapatid ko yung sasakyan. She said baka pwede daw after the wedding sa kanya nalang yung car since hindi naman ako marunong magdrive. I was hesitant to agree kase ginagamit yun during check up ng parents ko since the private hospital was around 50kms away from home. She even added na if time comes daw na wala na yung parents ko sila nalang daw tumira sa bahay and I will find my own place nalang since single naman daw ako. Pati tung allotment ng parents ko, which I use for their medicines and check up, gusto pang pakialaman. She even labeled me as the "unemployed" sister kahit na I was earning from working as an online tutor. I was starting to feel furious that time. I can sense na ang dami nyang demands sa kapatid ko. Not only her but even her family, yung motor ko, hiniram ng kapatid nya at never na binalik. Yung Mama naman nya, nanghingi ng "dote" sa kapatid ko. And worse, hindi naman makahindi yung kapatid ko. I know how unstable a seafarers job is. And I can't imagine the time na hindi na mabigay ng kapatid ko lahat ng hinihingi nila. I hope he cancels his wedding because he doesn't deserve to be in a family na vinavalue lang sya dahil sa pera nya.

I've developed a very complex platform. While it's being used by many digital agencies/online shops, is not even close to my competitors: https://vibetrace.com > customer experience platform for retail. The differentiator I have is that I provide white label for agencies. (dedicated installation/cloud based)
I'm alone in the company decision making, taking care of all aspects. . Didn't do too much marketing (other then some seo content). But got into the error every technical founder makes: adding features. Is hard to use (or too complex, what my customers say)
What should I do next?

Posting these questions in this subreddit as I didn't have much luck finding answers in the slurm-users google group.
I am a complete slurm-admin and sys-admin noob trying to set up a 3 node Slurm cluster. I have managed to get a minimum working example running, in which I am able to use a GPU (NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4070 ti) as a GRES.
This is slurm.conf without the comment lines:

root@server1:/etc/slurm# grep -v "#" slurm.conf ClusterName=DlabCluster SlurmctldHost=server1 GresTypes=gpu ProctrackType=proctrack/linuxproc ReturnToService=1 SlurmctldPidFile=/varun/slurmctld.pid SlurmctldPort=6817 SlurmdPidFile=/varun/slurmd.pid SlurmdPort=6818 SlurmdSpoolDir=/vaspool/slurmd SlurmUser=root StateSaveLocation=/vaspool/slurmctld TaskPlugin=task/affinity,task/cgroup InactiveLimit=0 KillWait=30 MinJobAge=300 SlurmctldTimeout=120 SlurmdTimeout=300 Waittime=0 SchedulerType=sched/backfill SelectType=select/cons_tres JobCompType=jobcomp/none JobAcctGatherFrequency=30 SlurmctldDebug=info SlurmctldLogFile=/valog/slurmctld.log SlurmdDebug=debug3 SlurmdLogFile=/valog/slurmd.log NodeName=server[1-3] RealMemory=128636 Sockets=1 CoresPerSocket=64 ThreadsPerCore=2 State=UNKNOWN Gres=gpu:1 PartitionName=mainPartition Nodes=ALL Default=YES MaxTime=INFINITE State=UP 

This is gres.conf (only one line), each node has been assigned its corresponding NodeName:

root@server1:/etc/slurm# cat gres.conf NodeName=server1 Name=gpu File=/dev/root@server1:/etc/slurm# cat gres.conf NodeName=server1 Name=gpu File=/dev/nvidia0 nvidia0 

I have a few general questions, loosely arranged in ascending order of generality:

1. I have enabled the allocation of GPU resources as a GRES and have tested this by running:
   user@server1:~$ srun --nodes=3 --gpus=3 --label hostname 2: server3 0: server1 1: server2
   

Is this a good way to check if the configs have worked correctly? How else can I easily check if the GPU GRES has been properly configured?
2) I want to reserve a few CPU cores, and a few gigs of memory for use by non slurm related tasks. According to the documentation, I am to use CoreSpecCount and MemSpecLimit to achieve this. The documentation for CoreSpecCount says "the Slurm daemon slurmd may either be confined to these resources (the default) or prevented from using these resources", how do I change this default behaviour to have the config specify the cores reserved for non slurm stuff instead of specifying how many cores slurm can use?
3) While looking up examples online on how to run Python scripts inside a conda env, I have seen that the line 'module load conda' should be run before running 'conda activate myEnv' in the sbatch submission script. The command 'module' did not exist until I installed the apt package 'environment-modules', but now I see that conda is not listed as a module that can be loaded when I check using the command 'module avail'. How do I fix this?
4) A very broad question: while managing the resources being used by a program, slurm might happen to split the resources across multiple computers that might not necessarily have the files required by this program to run. For example, a python script that requires the package 'numpy' to function but that package was not installed on all of the computers. How are such things dealt with? Is the module approach meant to fix this problem? In my previous question, if I had a python script that users usually run just by running a command like 'python3 someScript.py' instead of running it within a conda environment, how should I enable slurm to manage the resources required by this script? Would I have to install all the packages required by this script on all the computers that are in the cluster?
5) Related to the previous question: I have set up my 3 nodes in such a way that all the users' home directories are stored on a ceph cluster) created using the hard drives from all the 3 nodes, which essentially means that a user's home directory is mounted at the same location on all 3 computers - making a user's data visible to all 3 nodes. Does this make the process of managing the dependencies of a program as described in the previous question easier? I realise that programs having to read and write to files on the hard drives of a ceph cluster is not really the fastest so I am planning on having users use the /tmp/ directory for speed critical reading and writing, as the OSs have been installed on NVME drives.
Had a really hard time reading the documentation, would really appreciate answers to these.
Thanks!

Description sums it up. 5 years of relationship, 1 year of being engaged. I gave them the best I could, and hardly ever received anything even close to what I was putting in. I got comfortable doing that, believing that ultimately my sacrifices and love would come back around. It rarely ever did, and when it did it was so minimal in comparison but never mattered. I would get high off the smallest amount of effort, and do anything for it. I’ve gotten so used to having them around that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to do things for myself now, a lot to unpack there I know. We lived together, had a dog, named our non existent kids, binged our favorite shows, laughed, cried, etc. The day it happened I never would have seen it coming, as the night before we laid in bed and even shared some physical contact (non sexual). We did have a fight that night, but we had gotten over it together in a pretty healthy way as we usually did, and even commended each other for always coming out stronger on the end. This was normal for us. Even if it took all day or night we always got through these things together. Looking back now I can see signs, ones I ignored, and ones that were blatant, but it didn’t matter. We weren’t cheaters, liars, or abusers of any substances. There was however a lot of insecurities and anxiety. In the beginning, it was with them and I filled the role of the reassuring partner, but towards the end I had assumed all of the anxiety and insecurities as I constantly poured every ounce of energy into our life as if I knew this day was coming and I was trying to prevent it. I provided a life for us, a safe home and everything included when they couldn’t, loved them when they couldn’t love themselves, and put my all into building a life with what I knew we ultimately could be. I miss my best friend, the bad days, the good days, and everything in between. I will not miss the anxiety or insecurities that came with wondering why they never tried the way I did. It’s been a good while of “no contact” and I still have our old place with half the things in it. It hurts to go home, it hurts to hear our songs, it hurts to dream about them coming back. But, what hurts the most, was believing that giving more of myself would be a reason they wouldn’t leave. The more I felt them pull away the more I would give to try and convince them to stay, and inherently stopped giving anything to myself. I can confidently look myself in the mirror and say everything I did was out of love. Genuine love, and I hated that they would label it any other way. I still hope you made it home safe. I hope your family helps you. I loved you so deeply, and I really fucking tried for us.

Trigger Warning: suicide, violence, and child abuse
I apologize for the long post since I can’t organize all these thoughts into something short and cohesive, but I really appreciate any insight someone could give. Writing this is also somewhat therapeutic for me since besides discussing this with my therapist, I’ve never had a chance to share this with any of my friends.
I’ve also tried to grapple with whether my childhood was that bad and still even today gaslight myself into thinking that maybe I was just always misbehaving and that most kids had it worse. In addition to my main questions, I also want to ask whether I’m just overreacting.
I really apologize since I know this will probably turn out to be a trauma dump as I try to write.
Edit: As I read this over after writing, it just sounds surreal and makes me question my own sanity especially since I tried writing it stoically. It reads like a shitpost, and some of these situations genuinely make even me laugh in retrospect so I apologize again for this mish mash of info.
I am 22 and about to graduate college and have been reflecting about my childhood experiences and realizing how much trauma has been suppressed regarding my father. He was physically and emotionally abusive when I was younger, but during my junior and senior years of high school he had his worst psychotic breaks. During senior year of high school, an incident (which I discuss further in) led to me calling and having him dragged by the police to the hospital. Since then, my mother has forced him to visit a psychiatrist and/or therapist. After he was medicated, he became more docile and my siblings have just pretended to ignore him whenever he talked to us or was around. After moving away, my parents have been really secretive about his mental health, constantly asking and worrying if I’ve ever told anyone else about my experiences. Thus, I probably can’t get a straight answer or ask whether my father has been diagnosed with BPD or schizophrenia. I realize that only a psychologist can make a diagnosis, but for my own sake, I think having a label for these experiences is important for me to better cope with them. Thus, I wanted to see if others who have had family members with BPD or schizophrenia have had similar experiences to me.
My parents illegally immigrated from China to the US, ~25 years ago by “touring” the US and staying past their visa. Eventually my mom got her green card and became naturalized as a citizen but my dad did not get his green card until about 3 years ago. Since my parents were migrant workers, after I was born in the US, they sent me to China to live with my grandparents a couple months after I was born. It was only when I was 3 that I was flown back and met my mother who settled down working for a Chinese restaurant owned by my grandparents. I lived with my mother and everything was okay despite the fact that I hadn’t learned English and also had autism (which I was diagnosed with 2 years ago as an adult). For my entire childhood, my family also lived below the poverty line.
I realized at the age of 4, that the random man who would occasionally visit every couple months to bring me clothes was my dad, but after he settled down with my mom he began to be abusive. He would force me to take naps during the afternoon and would often tell me that I would be eaten by tigers if I didn’t (I know I sound like I’m overreacting). If I refused still, he would wrap, tighten, and suffocate me inside a comforter until I yielded and said I would sleep. Once when I wanted to play instead of sleeping, he forced me to stand outside of the room facing the wall for maybe an hour if I didn’t want to be beat and refused to let me use the bathroom until I peed myself. Both of my parents would also drag me into and lock me inside if the family restaurants walk-in fridge if I didn’t behave, although I will admit that I was a bratty kid.
When I was 5, both of my parents moved away from my grandparents and set up a family restaurant. I very quickly learned that my dad had extreme temper issues and tried to avoid angering him. He would have extreme mood swings and sometimes even the smallest mistake would anger him. I had to work in my family’s restaurant and a couple times if I missed a spot when cleaning, I would be punished and sometimes locked in the walk-in fridge. He would also get in violent fights with my mom where he would start throwing pots and pans at my mom. A couple times he also threw cleavers/knives which luckily didn’t hit my mom. The one time I stepped in as a child I ended up getting pushed over with my mom into the drainage tub for cleaning supplies.
For even the smallest triggers, he would become very violent, smashing things (threw a laptop at the ground once), and more. My mom used to beg me to call the police sometimes but after I did, they would show up and then just leave, doing nothing (I was too young to remember why) but afterwards I would be punished by my dad and ignored by my mother who wouldn’t come to my defense.
He genuinely believed that back in China he was a really important member of a Chinese mafia and that he was well respected by everyone in his community. I thought this was really cool when I was a child, but as I grew older I realized it was one of his delusions. He would also have manic episodes where he would be really happy and buy me anything I wanted, games etc and whatnot. He would also take me on late night shopping trips back when Walmart and etc were open 24 hours which I actually enjoyed. But other times he would get upset, and throw everything away. After I was 7, I wasn’t allowed to have toys anymore, only games and movies if anything.
He would also do strange things like having a milk jug by the side of his bed in the living room which he would urinate in instead of going to the toilet late at night. He would also urinate in the restaurant’s kitchen dumpster. All of this was disgusting, but the couple times I spoke up I got in trouble.
My family was reported to CPS in 6th grade when I mentioned to my first grade teacher that my dad once held me over the stove and put my feet in boiling water at the restaurant as punishment (I forget why, but it only happened one time) thinking it would be funny in the context of the conversation we were having. As a sixth grader I was obviously scared when talking to CPS so I just told them that it was a one off thing, not that bad, and that my dad really cared about me. Because of this, the case was dismissed and life carried on.
In 7th grade, my dad bought a dog from a puppy mill which I would spend all my time after school taking care of and I absolutely loved them, but despite my mother and I telling him that one dog was already too much, in his manic episode he bought 2 more. I helped take care of our 3 dogs which we kept in the secluded parking lot and our truck behind our restaurant, but one day a couple months later after coming back from school all 3 of them were missing and wandered off since they weren’t leashed, but later I found out that all of them were stolen by someone. A couple years later the person was later found to have taken over 20 dogs, pretty much all of which died and ended up in their dumpster before they were caught. One of these three original dogs was rescued from this person and put in the pound one day. We were notified since they were chipped but despite my pleading my dad said no to taking them back since they were now “too corrupted.”
2 days after we lost the 3 dogs, despite my pleading to keep looking for them, he bought 3 more puppies to replace them. Even though I was upset I still took care of them, but one day, one of the puppies disappeared from our backyard and I was punished for accidentally leaving a dumpster in the backward which was knocked over and used by the puppy to climb over the fence.
After raising the last 2 for 1 year, one of them ran away while they were in heat. A month later my dad decided to go to the animal shelter and adopt 2 adult dogs to “protect” the last one. Two weeks later, he returns one of the adopted dogs to the shelter since they were too rambunctious. A year later, he returned the other one to the shelter since they tore up the house.
All of these dogs were kept inhumanely outside in the winter and summer, and sometimes my dad would kick them out of frustration but I couldn’t do anything to protect them.
In 9th grade, with the one dog we had left, he got another one from a puppy mill which we raised. He put in the shelter the one that was left before. Got another puppy again. And got rid of both after one of them developed a thyroid disease and needed medicine to avoid having seizures. All of these dogs were bought during these manic episodes, and even though I cared for all of them, I still couldn’t do anything for them. I still remember holding one of my dogs trying to comfort them while their mouth was foaming during their seizures.
Also in 8th grade, my older brother who was left in China when my parents illegally immigrated finally came to America with a green card.
Many things happened that would be too much to talk about, but sometime in 10th grade my brother talked back to my dad, which led him to calling my younger sister, my mother, and I into the living room where he drew a knife on us and told us that anyone who left the house would die and that he would drive the knife into their stomach. He also told us that my brother was trying to kill us since he found a bullet in his bedroom (it was a empty bullet shell which was a souvenir from boy scouts) and proceeded to stab out the glass and picture of my brother from a picture frame. This is one of the delusions that I more clearly remember.
I also had to translate for my dad since I was 5 and could speak English since even to this day cannot understand or speak English. Thus, I was forced to insult others for him, I had to fire employees of our restaurant on his behalf and more. I mention this since this is important for understanding this next delusion he had.
In 11th grade he bought a green elephant shaped vase, which he believed to be priceless and worth several million and was convinced that everyone around us was trying to steal it from him. After coming back from school one day, he met me at the bus stop and told me to call the police since he thought someone was breaking into our parking garage likely to steal this vase since the garage door was left open (he mostly left it open himself on accident). I called a police officer and translated that someone might be breaking into our garage, but the officer reasonably noted that given that our garage door is electric and remote controlled, it is impossible for someone to forge the wireless signal to open it, and wouldn’t be able to open it manually.
Another day coming back from school he told me to call the police since there were people with guns outside the house and that they were trying to steal this vase. I called the dispatcher and they were really worried for us, but I just felt bad knowing that this likely was not true. I don’t remember exactly why but I’m not sure if he completely believed this or was just trying to get attention and get a police officer to come so that he could tell them the story about the vase.
Around this same, I came come from school one day to be asked by my dad what color the sun is. I said it was white and/or yellow and then proceeds to tell me that he stared at the sun for an hour and that I’m being lied to by everyone since it’s actually green. Writing this makes me feel like I’m crazy. And I’m sure he didn’t actually stare at the sun this long since otherwise he’d be blind.
My dad at some point bought a several thousand dollar security system and installed cameras inside and outside the house. At some point my mother got sick of this and gave this vase to one of the goodwills in my town. This led to my dad dragging me to every single goodwill in the city asking them to check whether they had an elephant vase donated to them and that we needed it back since there were several thousands dollars of family savings in cash inside the vase (this was a lie so my dad didn’t believe this himself). We didn’t get it back even after all this effort, but he eventually dropped the issue after a couple weeks.
Throughout high school I was doing my best to get into college and I studied every hour of my days and also worked as a research assistant for a lab at a university an hour away which would pay for my housing, food, and transportation every weekend. I got money from my research work to pay for fees for clubs, extracurriculars and would have to ride public transport to and from all these extracurriculars. Despite all this, I was told by my parents that this was also useless, stupid, and that I got all this praise for being an excellent student since others didn’t know the real me who was evil and a horrible person.
I also reported my parents in 9th grade but I just got in trouble with my parents and the case was dismissed since my brother was too afraid and only told the case worker that my family was completely functional and good things about my dad. Meanwhile my little sister has been the only one shielded by my mom and I, so she knows little of all that has gone on.
During senior year of high school, my dad had one of his worst psychotic breaks. At first I would come home from school to find my closet and things rummaged through, but one day my dad called me downstairs telling me to come outside since something was going on and grabbed my arm without explaining and walked us over to my neighbor’s house (we never talk to them), he rang the doorbell and told me translate that he wanted to talk to them about something. The moment they opened the door, my dad tackles me into the house onto the ground, wrestles, and holds me down while just yelling the word “police” constantly and began sobbing. I told my neighbor that I was so sorry and that my dad was schizophrenic (I didn’t know if he was at the time, I just needed an excuse). I tried to wrestle my way out and he just grabs my glasses and snaps them in half. While being held down, I ask my neighbor to call the police so that I can take him to the emergency room. The police officer arrives and puts him in handcuffs while I calmly accompany him to take my dad to the hospital. The whole time my dad is in the backseat of the police car asking me to please take off the handcuffs since they hurt a lot
While he was holding me down, he told me he found out that I was building bombs (I made electric circuits for research work) and had also implanted a bomb inside our dog at the time (before this one was also given to the pound) and told me to stop it before it was too late while he was crying.
He remains handcuffed in the hospital in the crisis room of the ER where I volunteer every week. I have to explain to all my friends (techs and nurses) that this is my “schizophrenic” dad having another episode. My mother comes to the ER from work at the restaurant. She asks me what we should do, I tell them completely seriously that we should deport my dad, she calls me a monster. A crisis response psychologist at some point asks me whether I feel safe going back home with my dad. I say I am NOT. They send him home with me anyway and despite me being upset, they ask why I said that I was comfortable with him going home with me (I said the exact opposite). My dad the next few days is just docile and my mother gets him psychiatric help.
Over the rest of my senior year of highschool he was put on risperidone, then switched to palperidone (antipsychotics). He would start having outbursts and begin shaking (withdrawal symptom) when he would stop taking his medicine.
After I moved away from college, I would only hear occasional comments about my crying dad, how he stopped taking medicine again, my dad on the phone talking about he won’t need medicine in a couple months, etc. I left for college and left my mother with taking care of my dad and his mental health. I don’t know what he’s been diagnosed with anything or whether he’s even still taken medication. During my 4 years in college, I have only gone back twice, with one of the times my dad having an episode and accusing my mom of “lying in bed with other men.” I couldn’t care less what he thought
Although I feel somewhat guilty that I left this to my mother and have ignored my family during college, I don’t think I mentally could deal with it and part of me feels like after all my mother didn’t do to protect me as a child that she should deal with this. I also feel guilty sometimes and try to acquit my dad of his wrongs by justifying it with his mental illness, but at the same time I still cannot forgive him
Even after being accepted to a T10 college and getting scholarships for a full ride, I still felt like my life had no meaning and I tried to drug and drown myself in a lake the summer before college only to be picked up and stopped by my only friend at the time.
Today, I am in a better place and really happy, with friends and my partner, but I still get flashbacks whenever I remember my family.
After talking with a couple therapists I have realized that I have just suppressed all these memories since coming to college. I still feel sometimes that maybe I’m the crazy and evil one who is overreacting to their childhood. But what I really want to know right now is whether these experiences were due to my dad who had schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or both. Whenever I mention my father, I feel guilty applying the label “schizophrenic” since I don’t know for sure and I know that I might be stigmatizing this label. Thus I just wanted to share my experience in hopes that others may have had similar experiences that may provide insight for mine.
This all feels like a fever dream when I remember it and sometimes I laugh at and other times I remember how terrifying it was, but this mix of emotions makes me feel like an impostor sometimes. No one asks and usually assumes I grew up in a stable household. I feel like I’m privileged to be in a good place, to have done well in school, and other times I feel like I was robbed of a childhood. It confuses me and makes me feel guilty that these experiences still bother me

It's happened to me, as well as all the guys I've ever known, in nightclub/bar scenarios. I hope women, especially frequent partygoers, can give us poor men some clues and advice.
So, I'm in my late 20s. Tonight, I saw two beautiful ladies sitting by themselves in a nightclub. I took the initiative and approached them. We talked about our jobs, things we liked, cultures, etc. We were laughing, and the interaction seemed good (or so I thought). They accepted my offer to buy them drinks. However, when they went to the toilet, that seemed to be the turning point. When they returned, they seemed like different people. They became cold, had nothing to say to me, kept their distance, and started to behave very "lively" with the new dudes who approached them.
Of course, I know this is a way for them to indicate, 'Hey, I'm not interested in you, and I'm avoiding you so I don't have to reject you to your face.' I respect that no one owns anyone anything. But that sudden change from being warm to "hey I find you annoying" is like completely out of the blue for men.
I honestly feel bad for both women and men in scenarios like mine. Women have to endure and pretend to have fun during the interaction with men until they temporarily leave the scene just to prepare a 180 in attitude toward the men. This risks them being labelled as fake and mean. On the other hand, men are just cluelessly stunned and feel emotionally "betrayal".
Is there a better way for men to navigate this? Any honest thoughts or disagreements?

TL;DR at bottom, but if you’re going to leave advice please read the whole thing <3
Also, before I start I would like to preface that any time I reference “drugs,” I am simply referring to nicotine.
My partner (22NB) [who I will call Alex for the sake of this story] and I (23M) have been dating for just over 2 months now. However, we have been friends for well over 2 years. While we were just friends, Alex took up both drinking and smoking. I, of course, never had a problem with it as it didn’t really affect me. Plus, they knew to not involve me in it bc they knew that I don’t drink or smoke. It isn’t out of religion or a bad experience or anything, it’s just personal preference and knowledge as to what drinking and smoking does to your body. I don’t want to get started in order to avoid getting to the point of not being able to stop.
Throughout our friendship, I always had a small crush on Alex. It would ebb and flow, but there was always an underlying attraction. They more or less knew this as we have joked about it together during the friendship. Anyway, I never thought that I would date them due to them being involved with nic and alcohol. But then, one night we went out for what we both thought was going to be a platonic get-together, but ended up kissing and catching feelings. We were both sober.
After later confessing our feelings for each other, we decided to establish ourselves into a relationship. Things have been going very well, and we’ve gotten to skip the whole awkward “getting to know each other” phase, since we already have known each other for so long.
Not long after dating though, the topic of nic and alcohol inevitably came up. They knew I didn’t like it and I knew that they did. They asked how I felt about them being into those things, and I essentially said: “it’s your body so you should decide what you put into it. Obviously I don’t think it’s a good idea, but it’s not my place to say what you can or cannot do.” I did, however, set some boundaries, those being: don’t do it around me, avoid having any with you when around me, don’t bring it in my house, and never offer it to me. I also expressed that saying they only did something bc they were drunk or high was never a valid excuse. They appreciated my sentiment in allowing them to continue in doing what they enjoyed and not just asking them to quit, as I ASSUME others (like Cameron, who will be important later) have before. They also happily agreed with all of my boundaries.
That had been the extent of our conversations about that, other than one other time. The topic of vaping came up, and of all the types of nic to do, I personally think vaping is the worst, the dumbest, and just plain lame. Alex, however, vapes regularly. As per my request, they don’t do it around me. Anyway, I shared my thoughts on vaping with them and they said that they know it’s something they shouldn’t do, but can realize that they are addicted now and so they continue to do it. I said something along the lines of “I don’t think you should vape. I’m not asking you to quit, but if there were anything I were to ask you to quit it would be vaping. I will not know if you quit or continue to do it, I will not ask you to quit, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea.” I remember them simply nodding to this. They still continue to vape.
Now I guess here is where the problem is. I keep saying that “so long as you don’t do it around me, I don’t have a problem with it,” but I’m not sure that’s entirely true. Alex will repost things on social media that have to do with drinking or vaping or smoking, they’ll tell stories to me or others with me around about times they were intoxicated or the types of alcohol they like, or they’ll tell me they are staying at a friends house for the night and based on who the friend is I can assume that they are drinking and smoking together. We don’t live together so it’s not like they’re leaving me to go do these things, so that isn’t the part I’m worried about. However, everything else that I just mentioned makes me extremely uncomfortable. I worry about the effects that things have on their body and their safety when under the influence. I don’t like that they do it, I don’t want them to do it, I don’t like being reminded that they do it. But then again, I don’t really want them to do it “in secret” either.
What really sparked me to write this was that Alex invited me to the first half of a party to go ice skating with them and a handful of their friends. One of the friends, who I’ll call Sabrina, is moving soon and decided to host a get-together as a going-away party. However, these are the friends that Alex will go drink and smoke with. I am not close with Sabrina. In fact, I don’t really like Sabrina. She makes me kind of uncomfortable as she can be a little overly touchy with Alex, even with me around. I’ll get back to that point later. The reason I am only invited to the first half is because that is the ice-skating portion. The second half of the party is at one of their houses, in which the party-goers will be drinking and smoking. Now, I appreciated the invite, and I especially appreciated that they didn’t invite me to the part that included things they knew I didn’t partake in. Regardless, I declined the offer entirely. This was on the account that I don’t really like Sabrina, don’t know some of the other friends who were going, am not particularly fond of ice-skating, and of course because I know what they would be doing after I left.
I have been in a few other relationships before Alex (this sounds like a tangent but stay with me, it’s important). The most major one was with a girl who I’ll call Amy. We were together for almost 2 years, but broke up for several reasons that I won’t get into. The thing about Amy, though, is that she didn’t really have friends. She was quiet and kept to herself or to me most the time, so I never really had to manage how I interacted with her friends on account of her not really having any. This also meant I got very used to the person I was dating mainly only talking to me. When I started dating Alex, though, who is quite popular and has a lot of close friendships, I realized just how different dating someone like that was. I noticed I get insanely jealous when they spend time with their friends, and also that I would have to interact with their friends just as much as they interact with mine. We have several very close mutual friends too so it’s easier to interact with them, but that’s beside the point. As a guy, I have my boys, my homies, whatever you wanna call them. We joke around like guys do and we’ll smack each other’s asses or hold hands or be touchy in stupid ways. So I know what it’s like to do stuff like that in a completely platonic way. However, I feel very uncomfortable when I see Alex do that with their friends or have it be done to them. This is one of the reasons I don’t like Sabrina very much, as she is a very big contributor to that. Anyway, even though I’m uncomfortable with it, I stay quiet and tolerate the touchiness because I do it to my friends and it would be insanely hypocritical and unfair to ask Alex to stop something that I did myself. I think that this feeling is a byproduct of having been in a relationship with someone like Amy, and I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my feelings about that. The one thing that really haunts my dreams though, is when that touchiness inevitably gets mixed with intoxication. I don’t think Alex would cheat on me, but I can’t be positive that they won’t be touchy with or kiss their friends if alcohol is flowing, as they already somewhat do it when sober. (Is that considered cheating?) Alex has assured me that they have full control over their actions when they are high or drunk, but I don’t know if that consoles me or makes me more nervous. I have no way of knowing what happens when they are intoxicated (since they never do it around me), but if I find out that something did happen, would I rather it have been willingly or not? I’m not sure. Plus, I’ve heard horror stories in real life and online of friends “just being friends” and making out or touching each other sexually when drunk. This doesn’t help my feelings or fears at all.
I don’t think I’m ok with all of this, and to be honest it’s stressing me out a lot. I know that I said it was fine so long as it wasn’t near me, and I’m trying to be a supportive boyfriend, but all of the alarms in my head are going off by standing by and not saying anything. I don’t think it’s fair for me to ask them to quit, and I don’t want to be over-controlling about what they do when they are with their friends. Plus, I want to trust them and want them to know that I trust them, and I’m afraid that if I bring the “touchiness” part up they may think I don’t. Is it even fair for me to say I trust them when I have these thoughts? Do I trust them and just not trust the alcohol? But if they assure me they have full control, then it’s not trusting them, right? Maybe I don’t trust their friends? Even if I bring this up with them and they 100% assure me that they won’t, don’t, and haven’t done anything like what I’m worried about, I don’t know if that will fully ease my mind because I know the dangers of intoxication. Again, I trust them and their actions, but when things happen with alcohol or drugs behind closed doors, I don’t know how much of the Alex that I trust is really going into making those decisions. I don’t know how to label these feelings as right now, I just know that they are stressing me out.
I want to support them and what they enjoy, but flipping to the other side of the coin, if I’m trying to be a supportive boyfriend, then maybe stepping in is the right thing to do. I know how bad drinking and smoking is, so since I’m dating them does it make it my responsibility to try and extend those ideas to them? Recently, Alex and I were talking about something unrelated, about one of their friends, and I said “being supportive doesn’t mean supporting everything they do, it could mean supporting what you think is best for them.” Alex agreed. Should I stick by that in this scenario? I genuinely think that quitting would be best for them, so what do I do?
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I knew that the topic would come up, but I figured that after setting my boundaries at the beginning of our relationship, I wouldn’t have any more issues with it. I can’t help that despite what we’ve talked about, I still do. I love Alex and don’t want to break up with them over this, but I’m a little scared that our disalignment in opinions may not have an easy resolution. If the right answer is to let them continue and work on being ok with it, how do I do that? If the right answer is to ask them to change, how do I do that? If the right answer is to compromise, then how do I decide what I’m willing to continue to let them to do, and how do I get myself to not be paranoid and to trust them to stick to it. They haven’t given me any reason not to trust them, and so I very much should. It’s just with intoxication, again, I simply don’t know how much of the Alex that I trust is really there when it comes down to making those important decisions in the moment.
One last tidbit of information that I want to share is important, but complicates things much more. Before me, Alex dated someone who I will call Cameron. From what I’m aware, it was a pretty toxic relationship. However, before we were dating, I vaguely remember Alex saying that they got clean / sober for Cameron. The validity of this statement I cannot 100% confirm, as I only barely remember maybe hearing it once. However, it was enough for me to consider a relationship with Alex, knowing that the main thing that was stopping me from asking them out (the nic / alcohol use) could be something that they would stop doing.
I have faith that if I asked Alex to stop, it would be difficult, but they would. But I’ve already established that I wouldn’t do that because it’s not my choice. Plus, I know how addictions can be, and can’t help but think of historic events like the prohibition and it being lifted as it was easier to just allow the thing you didn’t want to happen to happen anyway because it’s easier to maintain and keep safe when you don’t try and heavily control or restrict it. I hate to look at my partner and think like that, but I fear for their safety and the integrity of our relationship if this disconnect continues.
I have yet to have a conversation with them about all this other than the convos I’ve outlined in this story, and so I’m looking mostly for advice on how to go about that conversation when it inevitably happens. Feel free to touch any of the topics I covered, though, even if you have insight of just one of them. Please do not suggest that we just break up. Again, there hasn’t been a serious conversation about this yet, and if I say I may break up with them over it (which I don’t want to), then they may feel more pressured to make a decision that favors me and my opinions in order to stay together. That is unfair and manipulative to them, so I want to make sure we can both fully express our feelings without the threat of ending the relationship. I’ve established that nothing will ever be a “me vs them” issue, only “us vs the problem.”
Thanks in advance, and I’ll post an update when there is enough new information to post about.
TL;DR: my partner smokes and drinks casually, I don’t. I want to ask them to stop bc it stresses me out when they do it, but I don’t want to be controlling over them.

So, my mother had a genetic disease. She was in and out of the hospital and eventually when I was 16, she had a double lung transplant at Stanford. Now without going into too much detail this should illustrate that her disease trajectory was serious. It took all of the focus of the family. Luckily for me, my grandparents were very wholesome and supportive. But, my step-dad and my mother would accuse me of faking literally any time I was ill. My half brother was always treated with attention, love, & respect. The double standards were incredibly blatant.
Because of my mom's disease, I was born very premature. This left me with different GI issues and I also had a myriad amount of allergies to start with. My brother was born overweight because by that pregnancy, they put my mom on something to prevent premature birth. He broke her ribs being born (people with this disease usually cannot concieve or have children), after which time she became addicted to prescription opiates at the height of oxycontin madness in the 00s.
Then at 14, I got assaulted by our next door neighbor. We stayed next door to them another 7 years, but they pulled me out of school & began homeschooling me too to make me the fulltime housekeeper and caregiver as my mother got sicker from her disease. Naturally I had to homeschool myself, but I managed to do an early college program and graduated HS early.
At 14, They put me on every psych med known at the time & made me a vegetable-slave. It gave me seizures eventually. I think they liked not dealing with me directly by making me sedated. The year after it all happened, I cut my arm open as hard as possible with an exacto knife & needed to have it fixed up in the hospital. They reacted with fury and "Oh, thats just great! Look what you are making us deal with!!". No sympathy or worry. Back to my advanced early access college class the next day. They made fun of me at home about it, and also for being vegan at 14, putting down how emaciated I was constantly. Every pain and illness was me "exaggerating" or "faking". "Why are you always trying to get attention?". Then my mom had her lung transplant.
... The stress of her transplant when I turned 16 and of having to live near a psycho rapist for almost a decade (who then ran over my emotional support animal on purpose) furthered my suicidality & made me develop severe OCD, exercise addiction, & ARFID. I began to have bad GI issues. 6 years into that living hell, I was hit by a drunk driver. I had to be resuscitated. Broke all my pelvis to bits and all my left ribs. Also had an incredible Near Death Experience complete with light tunnel and endless infinite healing Love. I asked to return to Earth if only to share this with others. (That post is for another thread altogether though).
A day later, my parents show up and say "Hey, so, we booked this vacation in Santa Cruz months ago so we kinda need to go. Sorry". & they went on freaking vacation while I was told I might never walk again & only came back once I was discharged. Once out of the hospital, my mom filled all my prescription pain meds and took them herself. In addition, they wouldn't bring me any food except to make me a veggie dog (vegan) twice in a whole week. I relied on a pain salve to get through all the broken bones and damage to my organs for 10 months. When my grandmother found out I was left alone and starving 2 weeks after discharge from the hospital,, she brought me to her house and she & my dear Papa nursed me back to health (Grama was a real nurse as a profession, too). They were kind and loving and made me want to live again.
I went back home and then got poisoned by a flea bomb getting into my food in my room, again from my parents, causing grand mal seizures & vomiting so hard for 12 hrs my pyloris in my stomach collapsed. This was far worse and more painful than the car accident. I would not wish it upon anyone. I begged my step-dad to take me to the hospital, but he started screaming at me that I was faking. I got down to 87 lbs. It took 6 years to recover and rehab my GI to avoid the constant looming of resectioning my bowels. I thought I was going to die. But that year I was initially poisoned, Mom died. I began therapy, and little by little regained my life. I had a son, & learned what it was to love and be a parent, too.
My parents for most of my life would just yell at me that everything about my health was fabrication. My mom would call me psychosomatic all the time, even when i was 95 lbs or less. Reverse munchausens? Severe neglect? Emo-abuse? Not even sure what to call it. Maybe you can tell me from this description of hellish experience.
A lot of my mother's neglect and treatment of me was due to her addiction combined with the very torturous throes of her disease. My step-dad tbh was just not very bright whatsoever and simply could never handle stress anyway. Before you think my mother was just a monster, let me tell you she was also my hero. She was beautiful and charismatic and helped others with her disease. Before she got very ill, we had amazing times together. She was kind and supportive when I was a kid & I had an amazing early childhood with both my parents. She graduated Magna Cum Laude in speech pathology & was a classical pianist. She became a speech therapist and worked in schools right up to her death. She was my inspiration. But not my rock. She needed me all the time. She told me I would never be normal or succeed in life. On her deathbed, she asked me if Jesus would forgive her. Strange, because she was Buddhist. I told her that during my NDE from the car accident I learned one thing- All suffering has an end. Everything Is Going To Be Alright, in all times and all places. There is endless ceaseless boundless love and you are valued no matter what. She was able to pass in peace in her sleep after this.
I forgive my parents. But the trauma & neglect I endured left me always feeling fraudulent with illness, disability, and capabilities. I have been permanently disabled and live in fear of everyone not believing me in spite of 20 years having past. I don't know exactly how to label what happened to me, but I have a lot of empathy for others due to this experience.
To this day, I make pain salve strong enough for broken bones inspired by the one that I used for my car accident. I never got on opiates from the accident or even had to touch them, & I learned to take my pain into my own hands. I am grateful. Please dm me if you'd ever want info on this. One of the few things that gives me joy in life is ameliorating in some small way the suffering in others.
Has anyone else experienced a constant shunning of personal illness due to an overshadowing illness in the nuclear family (or even extended fam?)