Long time lurker, first time poster. So my (28M) wife (28F) have been together 8 years, married 3 years. We had our first child 13 months ago. Since then we haven’t really had much physical affection. We tried regular and special dates, buying cute costumes and outfits for each other, getting nights away from the baby, random flowers, mirror messages, and even trying to schedule sex. She is adjusting to her new body, which I’ve been extremely patient with (in my opinion). But she seems to have no desire to cater to my needs sexually. I understand not wanting piv sex because she can have pains in her vagina sometimes, but I’ve tried to compromise.
I am a pleaser in bed and my aphrodisiac is when I feel like I can please my partner. Then I choose to get off. That being said, I love giving oral sex. She’s let me know penetrative sex hurts sometimes but oral still can be pleasurable. I’ve given her a “free pass” on oral sex and massages (back, chest, belly, temple, hand & foot, etc). In that she can receive those whenever she wants if I’m willing and able (not sleeping, not working, etc.). I did this as a way to help her recover from baby, gain more self esteem, re-learn her body and sensations, and feel overall sexier and wanted by her husband. But she doesn’t want sex at all with me. She doesn’t initiate, she doesn’t touch me intimately, she says she’s drained from caring for our child, her body hurts, it’s weird for me to touch her sexually because she wasn’t “expecting it”, etc. I try to help her around the house as much as I can, initiate physical touch without expecting sexual advances, pay our bills, clean when I get off of work, change poopy diapers, talk about feelings and have transparent communication, spend quality time with her at night after our son is sleeping at the sacrifice of my sleep, and workout regularly to allow her something to be physically attracted to.
When I talk to her about my want/need for physical intimacy and how it makes me feel not receiving it, she will listen and understand but little to nothing will change. She will try a kiss or 2 extra the next day but then say she needs to step back and that it feels forced. I’ll bring up that I don’t mind blowjobs, handjobs, or anything really. But I say blowjobs because that’s my favorite way to be pleasured, but she just won’t. I keep myself clean, have a decent diet, and try to manscape to make things as pleasant as possible for her. Prior to marriage and baby she would willingly do this, I wouldn’t even have to ask. But now it seems like I’d be better off eating my own hand rather than asking for physical affection or oral sex.
Lately, I’ve been feeling unwanted, undesirable, not sexy/handsome, and like my son gets more affection from MY woman than I do. It hurts me everyday but I try my best to be respectful of how she feels while also expressing my feelings to her. I have had thoughts and temptations of cheating but I couldn’t do that to her, God, or my family.
Any advice on how to possibly increase the physical affection she has for me? Is there a way for women to feel more comfortable giving oral sex or anything I can do to help her want to give oral more? Is it just a lost cause and I need to be okay with the infrequent pleasure I get sexually? Am I missing something or doing something wrong?
P.S. in college, I did receive oral from a girl while my wife was my girlfriend (6 years ago) but that was all that physically happened. I used to seek attention through dating apps during our relationship but never had intercourse with anyone. I understand the incident with getting oral sex could create a mental block in her mind when it comes to oral but it’s been so long since that’s happened and I feel like I’ve given her every reason to know that wouldn’t happen again.
TLDR; wife (28f) and I (28m) have been together 8 years, married 3, and have a 1 year old. Sex is almost nonexistent after baby and I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to help the issue. I specifically would like more blowjobs but she doesn’t initiate any physical affection. Is it normal to go through this? Does it get better? Is there anything I can do/not do to help it? I feel unwanted by the only person I should be looking to feel wanted by.

“To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.” ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Imagine if you don't fight. You don't waste resources in prolonged legal (or actual) battles. You don't go to jail. You don't harm people and they don't harm you. Yet you get rich and knock up hot smart bitches. You win.... Like Elon...
Shouldn't that be the goal of all carbon-based organisms living under heaven? Is it possible?
Okay. Ancapnistan is nowhere to be seen.
So what?
Die?
Let yourself be robbed by taxes?
Lay down and let people fuck you up?
The thing with libertarianism is it's more of a moral guidance. Tax high. So it's the welfare parasite's fault. Yes. So what should we do? Nothing. It's idiot voters, welfare parasite fault, bla bla bla bla bla.... We can try to change the world I wouldn't hold my back.
According to basic libertarianism, the sole purpose of government is security. Once we are reasonably secure enough from aggression we should just make lots of money productively and buy whatever we want and win. Yay....
That's the idea of libertarianism right? Once the situation is libertarian we win. Do we? It's something to think about. Most people don't win under libertarianism. Most welfare recipients will get less money under libertarianism. Most religious bigots will just have to let people sin.
Without affirmative action, most minorities with low IQ average won't be accepted in good schools. Some minorities with high IQ average will be very overrepresented. And that won't win in normal democracy where majority of idiots can vote.
Without tariffs, most blue colar workers will have far lower salary. Without monogamy most men are incel.

“To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy.” ― Sun Tzu

Just keep that in mind. There are very understandable reasons why most people aren't libertarian.
However, statists often have limited power. They can't just force their way to you. They often have to lie to you first. And if you see through their lie you can be quite free.
Obviously, as most ancaps know, even for security we should count on ourselves and private parties instead of government.
Governments make it worse.
So ancaps want to get rid of governments. How? Terrorism? Coup? That's not peace.
Also, where is this so called ancapnistan? Is the whole libertarian philosophy useless because there is no ancapnistan?
To be honest, who wants to live and defend a region where skinning cats alive is legal anyway. I am a libertarian, but as things got too cruel I too have limit. In pure ancapnistan, skinning cats alive will be legal because it's his cat. I prefer normal private cities like Prospera or Dubai or Monaco or Singapore over that any time. Hell, place I live is better than that.
I am trying to show that it works. We just work with what we have first.
So what should we do?
Art of peace is somewhere between Ancap and libertarians. We look at our situation. We accept that as is. We find ways to make it work. This shows that principle of libertarianism can work without we having to wait that all governments are gone. Even people living in a very corrupt and poor country like me can enjoy a libertarian life style with few changes.
Find jobs with minimum taxes and regulation
Easier said than done. What I have in mind, and I did both, are crypto trading and internet marketing. You don't need a loicense for that.
Notice if you live in a privilege rich country, this solution has disadvantages. Why would you want to compete with people in 3rd world country if the minimum wage are high in your country? I would flip burgers if I were American.
Many countries do not tax income from foreign sources. My country unfortunately do that. But there are many loopholes that greatly reduce taxes.
Or you can make money a lot and then pick a legitimate occupation with very low taxes. For example, if dividend tax is 0, you can make a lot of money, form a corporation, and get dividend. Or your company can have anonymous debit card. I am still looking for some ways.
Whether what you do is legal or not depends on many things. Again, we are not counting on morality too much. Contact lawyers. What's important is you don't go to jail.
I recently read someone got charged with money laundering after being found to store $2.4 billion of bitcoin. Well, looks like you can hide money well without getting caught in crypto. Took a cop 4 years to nail that old lady. And they still can't easily seize the bitcoin. Be careful.
Make everything explicitly transactional. Turn contracts, as much as possible into series of repeated small transaction order
Libertarians would argue that governments have two purposes. Secure your right. Enforce contract.
Do you want government to enforce your contract? If you're good at lawyer, fine. I live in a very corrupt country. I would rather not.
So what do you do? Enforce your own contract. How? Join the Mafia, and kill snitch? Dude..... I am a libertarian for a reason. That's not my comfort zone.
See, even without a contract, normal transactions are quite robust.
Imagine if I want to commit buying KFC chicken for 50 years. Then I would stipulate that KFC need to keep cooking delicious chicken. Then I need to subscribe to KFC. Then I may have to pay either in front, or yearly or at the end.
That's kind of complex and so many things can go wrong.
What makes more sense is if I like KFC I just buy it. How do I ensure that KFC will keep cooking delicious chicken? If it doesn't you and others' stop buying.
Other samples.
A young employee wants someone to take care of him during retirement. Where should he go? Should he work for a company that offer generous pension plan?
There are easier way to do so. Just find company that pays more. Then buy bitcoin. And that bitcoin is his pension plan.
A young woman wants rich guy take care of her for life. In return the young woman agrees to keep providing sex and producing heirs.
What should the young woman do? Sign a contract? Nope. Consent can always be withdrawn. Get married? Well, what happened is consent for sex can always be withdrawn but consent to financially support isn't. So marriage means the woman is in such stronger position she can just leave her husband and collect money like Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' wife.
Art of peace means we want to have win win situation. If one of the party end up holding the bag then the other party will not agree. Women that insist on marrying often end up with poorer husbands than if she aim for sugar daddy.
How does she ensure that the guy sticks around?
She turns marriage into a series of mutually beneficial transactions. Perhaps she sells virginity first. Any man willing to pay $500k for mere virginity must be loaded. That's husband material there. Then she can sell sex to the same guy and get paid monthly or per fuck.
How does she know she will be taken care for life? When she's young, her value is huge. Just get paid more and buy bitcoin.
Will the guy and the woman be nice to each other? Most likely yes. If they're not they will leave each other.
The woman gets richer. The richer guys got smart pretty women cost-effectively. Few conflicts can arise.
When things go wrong they can go their separate way amicably. That means the woman doesn't have to go to court suing for alimony. She already have investments. The guy also don't have to waste time and money on lawyers.
I think the Muslims have contract marriage. Sugar relationship is so similar to muslim contract marriage. I am impressed. Not that I am a Muslim nor do I like their religion in general. But some aspects are quite normal. Dubai is the only muslim region that is great without oil though. My own country is reasonable but only if you're rich.
The only time series of repeated small transactions can be scammy is in Ponzy. In most cases, a history of win win transactions builds trust. That trust becomes some sort of barrier to entry from competitors.
What about if a child is born? Again, instead of marriage, the woman is better off asking for explicit child support payment that's collateralized with Bitcoin and enforced by private courts.
Even without contracts, the women are quite secure. Few things make a rich man happy than financially providing for his sons and making sure that his sons are rich too. Even without contracts, getting knocked up by far richer men will tend to yield far more money to women and her children.
Do not count on morality, empathy, love, or government
Those are very unreliable and may be catastrophic.
What is moral? Does anyone agree? No. Even among libertarianism what is moral is not clear. What about if we have a relationship and then someone act immorally? What about if we lend money and the other guy doesn't pay? Well, you can go to court. Again, counting on governments. Are you a lawyer?
Do not lend money to anyone, unless you are an expert and know the in and out of money lending. Let lending specialists handle that.
What about if some smart beautiful woman told you she needs money and needs to borrow some? NEVER LEND money. She is scamming you. Just make her pay with some service if she's over 18. If she likes you, she'll do it. Borrowing money may just be her way to get close to you. If she doesn't like you she won't and that means she's useless anyway. Stay away from useless people. Forget her. Move on.
In particular, I am always suspicious of women who don't like money or prefer guys poorer than I am. We are not a match. She can be a feminist.
Well, make sure you at least get some nudes or handjobs depending on what's legal in your country and that the price is cost-effective. If she is very beautiful and smart she can be a very cost-effective heir factory. Otherwise, she isn't worth the trouble and you should just let her starve.
Ugly women can be feminists and feminists are scary. Stay away from scary people.
In my country, where prostitution is legal, proof of transaction can be good proof that the sex is consensual. Something you may want to consider if you don't want to end up like Danny Masterson.
If something can be a scam it's a scam. The government won't help. I noticed this when people were offering ponzy to me. There is always a loophole where the organizer of the ponzy can lie. For example, the ponzy or high yield investment always uses dubious exchanges where they can cook up numbers.
You simply presume that whoever you are dealing with is selfish greedy and evil. If you still like the odds chance is you are save.
Use Private Court and Private Marketplace
Like bitcoin main blockchain, Governments can be useful if not used directly. You can use ebay or uber.
Those are online marketplaces where buyers and sellers meet. They have specialized courts when you are cheated. However, people rarely cheat. They also have records keeping to make it easy to choose who to blame.
When crimes occur, it's easier to press charges if you are helped by a big organization.
I prefer private marketplaces more than private courts. Private courts get paid if you go to court and that's usually when things go wrong.
Private marketplace get paid if you have successful transactions. The private marketplace doesn't want to mediate all disputes. They prefer no disputes to show up in the first place.
So they have better incentives.
Private marketplaces are like private governments. They did all the government functions I needed from transactions. They protect me from harm and adjudicate disputes. Competition keeps their fees/tax low. My experience with them is so good, unlike most ancaps, I advocate competing private cities, namely cities governed by for-profit organizations instead of total anarchy. At least the former one is a good stepping stone.
Avoid contracts
One purpose of government is enforcing contracts. Unless you have private courts to enforce the contract, I would suggest simply avoiding it. Otherwise, you will need government court when things go wrong.
Fighting in court is expensive. Often whoever bribes the judges more win. That's not justice. Typical libertarians are not in the business of hurting others. We always want a situation where whoever is just win and that place is not a government court.
For a similar reason, I would keep insurance to a minimum. Insurance requires a contract. Besides, insurance in my country is so shitty the price is 10 times normal due to cartels anyway.
As I said, turning commitment into smaller transactions are doing well anyway.
Use Bitcoin or XMR or cash
Unless you're dealing drugs, I would recommend bitcoin. XMR is overkill and hard to cash in. Many no KYC exchanges don't allow you to deposit XMR and withdraw.
My friend told me that the more you use cash the less likely you are to fear tax collectors.
I mean you can be honest and jot down your income anyway. But it's going to be extremely difficult for the government to prove you are evading taxes if they never see any money going in or out of your bank account.
As far as I know, it's legal. Again check lawyers.
Rent don't buy
Just for the record, I bought a house. So this one is catch 2-2. Anything you own can be seized by the government. I am still thinking if it's a good idea. Rent means I have to sign a contract with landlords. Perhaps if it's simple enough buying is fine.
I am thinking of selling my house to my parents and family and rent it. Anything goes wrong to me then government can't seize the house.
Renting also follows the principle of turning things into smaller transactions where each side still have positive incentive to cooperate.
So, enslave or higher employee?
For libertarians, this one is obvious. Well, assuming both are legal and "ethical", I would suggest hiring an employee instead. Buying a slave means you lose a lot of money in front.
Marry a woman or be a sugar daddy? Again, sugaring is the way to go
During Punic War, Carthage made the fatal mistake of paying Rome early. Rome knowing that Carthage have paid fully his obligation then destroyed Carthage.
Many white farmers are driven out of Zimbabwe with their land seized. If those white farmers rent farm land instead their loss would have been minimal.
Make sure there is no possibility of scam or force on both sides
As usual, if it can be a scam it's a scam. Always ask yourself, what can this guy do, if he's a psychopath to scam me. If there is a way, back off for a while. I would ask my bro to examine slightly complex deals.
Many women would go the extra mile scamming me first and when all fail cooperatively spread legs. Assume all people are like that.
I'll continue this.
Do not expose yourself to massive financial and legal exposure

“The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.” ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

The art of war is actually written by a taoist. It's the pragmatic art of anything.
You don't rely on people not scamming you. You rely on making it impossible and when failing that makes it costly and when failing that makes it easy for you to be made whole.
In western civilization, this is extremely hard as fuck.
What do I mean by legal and financial exposure?
Say you are stealing money. That will cause huge legal and financial exposure right. So? What do you do?
You don't steal. That's one solution. The most libertarian one. But let's get cynical. Say I am immoral. Say I just want to avoid jail. What are my options?
Don't get caught. Another nice one.
What about if you steal anyway and choose not to get caught?
Well.... Here is the thing. Whether you will get caught or not doesn't fully depend on you. The cops can simply choose to target you.
That means you are "exposed" to financial and legal exposure.
The purpose of not breaking the law is to avoid problems that come from breaking the laws. That's it. I just want to minimize my exposure.
Imagine after stealing money and not covering your track you just blame the cops for aiming at you or blaming the homeowners for having guns and CCTV? Not wise.
Stealing is not what I am recommending, of course as a libertarian.
What about marrying a woman?
You expose yourself to HUGE financial exposure. She can divorce you and get a lot of money.
Marrying a woman is worse than doing robbery and burglary. At least on the latter, you can choose to be more careful that you don't get caught. If your purpose is minimizing legal exposure, I would rather rob banks than get married.
Just don't get a divorce then?
Well, here is the issue with "exposure". It's not up to you.
It's up to her and the law of the land. In democratic countries, the laws greatly give women incentives to backstab her men.
In some countries, you can avoid alimony by simply avoiding government-infested marriages like the plague. So? Government extends the "benefit of marriage" to relationships outside marriage. For example, a woman can get huge palimony in Australia. That means you can't even live together with a woman without violating this commandment of not exposing yourself to huge legal liability.
The women themselves cannot easily agree to a more reasonable arrangement. For example, palimony agreements are not enforceable. Child support agreements are not enforceable. If women can make reasonable deals many would just want to get paid by rich guys and poor guys won't get any woman. So voters make transactional sex with women very legally complex if not illegal.
Yap. Western civilization is simply very unfree. Have you thought about it? People in Indonesia and Dubai is probably more free than westerners. Digital nomads can live more free and peacefully in 3rd world countries.
This is why I see Israel Muslim wars as very regrettable. Jews' ability to make money combined with low tax and legalized polygamy of Dubai-style rules can lead to many rich smart genetically superior children, something billionaires in Europe can't just have.
But yea, typical jews like democracy in Europe that decided to mass murder them and wage war with Islam. Not that the muslims are good. Only Dubai is doing well without oil. But any religions combined with capitalism and competition among jurisdictions?
Religions are there for a reason. It must have worked somehow in the past. We just need more competition among ideologies and religions. We can try to reasons but most are not reasonable anyway. Just make them competes and see which one give better deals.
Here I am, an atheist putting a positive light on religions and religious people, many of whom hate me. See, it's art of peace. Unless push comes to shove, I avoid conflicts. What's the point of bashing religions anyway.
In the end, I wouldn't be so quick in claiming that some cultures or ideologies are fuck up. I think we should let ideologies and cultures compete and see which one can get richer productively. Even communism is moderately successful in China and Vietnam. China, for example, has the highest GDP in terms of PPP in the world. Very successful? No. Optimum? No. I wouldn't call that fail.
The art of peace happens when people don't hurt you. When they don't hurt you, you don't hurt them too in return and live happily.
They will hurt you when they can.
Don't let them.
Presume all people are evil, greedy, selfish, hypocrites, and bigots
Then ask yourself, can I still live peacefully with them?
Wait. How realistic is this? You live peacefully with all your neighbors. Surely those people are "moral" and "nice" right?
Sure. Why don't you share your 12 words bitcoin wallet to all your neighbor? Surely they will respect your property right and don't steal it. Put $1 million there. Would you?
There are a few problems with the idea of believing that people are moral.

1. What's moral is ambiguous. Some people would believe hacking your wallet is moral because you're such an idiot.
2. If out of 100 people you have one immoral person, your money is gone
3. If that one immoral person makes more money than the rest, the rest will be immoral too.
4. People aren't "truly" moral. All this time they are nice to you because it's too risky to climb your fence and kill you. Without locks and security guards and guns and fear of jail, who knows?
5. If humans are merely selfish and greedy and not bigots, then peace would have been far easier. However, evolutionary psychology says that humans are bigots.

What do I mean by bigots? Say you want to do something to win. You want to win right? There are people out there that even if they are worse off will want you to fail.
So their desire to prevent you from winning is beyond selfish interests.
Capitalism brings peace and prosperity to so many people. Yet most people reject capitalism. In democracy, it's important what most people do. Majority rules right?
For example, all men are sexual competitors to each other. If one men get 5 smart beautiful women the other men will not be able to have children. So? Just import women from poor countries? Can't do it either. Women hate competition too. When women can vote they will criminalize any mutually beneficial arrangements between poor foreign women and richer local men.
Laws against women trafficking blur the line between women being forced scammed or kidnapped to provide sex and women being offered fair deals.
So humans are bigots. Even if they are not, it's nice to think, say they are, what can I do to ensure I am not a victim of bigotry.
The gospel of capitalism is not that we are selfless compassionate people and hence we cooperate well for mutual benefits. No. The gospel of capitalism is that we are greedy and selfish but capitalism make people that don't care about one another or even hate one another to cooperate well for mutual prosperity anyway.
In the same way art of peace is simply extending the principle of capitalism. It's not out of morals people don't hack the bitcoin network. They don't because they can't. A system can grow big if and only if it's bigot psychopath proofs.
I often hear jews complain that 80% of Palestinians hate them. I don't know. I don't hate jews though I may if I got my house bombed, family killed, and have no choice for peace, and told to blame someone else.
I wonder though. Is 80% number normal? I mean 50% of marriages fail. Think about it. Bill Gates spent billions on his ex-wife and her children. She took Bill Gates' money anyway. How could someone complain that 80% of people they bombed hate them when even women you marry stay or leave based on financial incentives?
Also who cares if people hate each other or not? Just presume they are. They most likely are. Shouldn't we care whether they harm us or not? If someone hates me but out of profit sincerely sell good service and out of fear or simply because he can't doesn't harm me anyway, should I withhold payment? Should I kill or harm him?
Shouldn't we judge people based on whether they are useful to us or not and not on what's on their head? Should I know or care what KFC's chef thinks when they serve me chickens? As long as the chickens are delicious and the price is fair, who care?
The idea that people should be treated harshly because they supposedly hate other people is very unfair and unwise.
People often point out hate when hate doesn't exist. People throw around Misogynism, racism, anti semitism, sexism to people that simply mind their own business and want fair capitalistic deals. I would be very suspicious of people accusing others of hate too much.
The truth is we all tend to hate each other and love ourselves. It's just reality. But if we understand we're selfish greedy and evil, we may still get rich together. That's the beauty of capitalism.

My Bojo Girl - PART 7. End of the toxic - beginning of guilt.
March 2020 lockdown I think about her, what is she doing? Where is she?
my friend says she is on social media so find her. I searched I found her in May 2020 i texted her hi, this is her, she said I was not and said to tell different name. I used that Instagram username and put her nickname as the password, it's opened and I saw she was in a relationship with someone in December 2019, I saw all the chats I cried in the bathroom and bathing my body got overheated, and then I called her, and she picks the call I said how are you why you do not call me, why did you not text me she said you always change your Instagram id then how I text, then I ask you to call me and you know my number, she was speechless. I waited for you 3 months then she said I want to think.
Then opened her Instagram and saw the message, that time when I texted her she said don't know but same time she texted her friends and that same bestie's asshole about me "He texted me". when I saw that message I felt angry. I couldn't hold that then I called her parents and told her everything, her parents said my daughter was not like. Then I said take care of your daughter please give her freedom don't go with her always etc.
Then she called me with her bf and friend. 3 people conference call she said, Who are you talk to my parents. suddenly my mother's voice heard her she said to give to your mother. She told my mother to tell him to don't call your son to me. My mother asked why, and she said your son asked me to have sex.
Mother said if you love him you connect with your mental and physical relationship, and use that for your mental state and not for physical state. love is everything to share not only a mental hunger, then she cursed me your son going to hell, etc. And my mother said you always go like this to all for that, those words my mother used to her, still hurt me because I loved her. And she said don't call your son to me.
Then I started handjob firstime to forgot her. But it's addicted now.
And I still more thought about her.
After 3 months my bf-friend(him) asked Pendrive but she has that. he tells me to call her to ask for Pendrive. I'm told I'm not doing that, That time I'm financially weak, Ask her what I give gifts cost. Then I called she did not pick up, then my bf-friend(him) called and tell my name, and she cut that call. Again I called her, and her parents to pick up that call and talk to me, why are you doing this, I told them my feelings, and he said don't call again. Hereafter I'm not calling her but my thoughts are still there.
I'm guilty also I thought about what she doing etc.
Now also her thoughts kill me day by day, and sleepless nights, and not eat well. After 3 years also my thoughts were, what is she doing now? where is she? what happened to her? That I was the only reason she left me, I hurt, tortured, and blackmailed her for not to leave me.
Fell too much guilt, and anxiety in March 2024. And Please Sorry, my Bojo girl.
and I accept any punishment. And I think this guilt is punishment for me to my deathbed.
More Things happened to me and her. I forgot to include some situations in this post.
THE UNWRITTEN STORY BY THE UNIVERSE, WRITTEN BY ME.
please sorry, my bojo girl.
still suffering from guilt for hurting her.....................
PART 1 - https://www.reddit.com/confessions/comments/1bd0qf0/i_tortured_loveherf22_for_not_to_leave_me_m24_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

TLDR: We started swinging with another couple. I wanted to stop. They went behind my back. I found out, asked them to stop again. They agreed to stop. They're still going behind my back. Now I will leave my wife.
Hello friends, gather around the campfire and let me tell the tale of how I (M38) fucked up my marriage to my soon to be ex-wife (F33). Account is new. For now, I'd like to be some guy on the internet and not have reality come to feast off my tears. Disclaimer: This takes place in Europe.
Preface:
In my early Twenties I had a form of cancer that was quite treatable but that would leave me infertile for the rest of my life. I was able to store some sperm away that had a count of ~200 swimmers per microliter. After Chemo it was zero. It was zero the year after and zero every year until I got tested for the last time ~3 years ago. So it's pretty safe to say I can't conceive children. Cue 2012: I, 26 meet this wonderful girl, 21. We hit it off, start to be FWB, a few months later we find out that we're in love with each other, move in together a year later and start planning our future together. We get married after 3 years. All the time she knows that the only way for me to conceive children is by IVF (or ICSI if you want to be precise). She quite enjoys not having to use contraceptives and we have a great sex life all around. We try to conceive by IVF, we pay a lot of money and it worked! Our kid is now 7 years old and healthy. It is the light of our life. I love the child more than life itself. Because there is some of my frozen sperm left, we try again. We throw most of our savings at the issue but it just will. not. work. Eventually, the stock is depleted. But she wants to have at least 2 children. Every time she sees a mother with more than one child, she gets irrationally angry. She pushes me to use a sperm donor. But I cannot befriend myself with the idea to have one child that is (biologically) mine and another that is not. 2 children who are not biologically mine would've been fine. But deep down I knew that I wouldn't be able to treat them equally. So I said that having a child means that both parents say yes. If one says no, it's no. So it stayed a "no" and we stopped. The following 2 years she made sure to torture me for anything she could find. Did i leave the dishes out? I got yelled at. She wants to spend 2 weeks with her mother over Christmas and I suggest that 3 days might be enough? I get screamed at for not complying. I could cite a whole list of things where I felt she was making my life hell, clearly making me responsible for her unhappiness of not haing a second child. She even considered divorce, moving back in with her parents who live hours away, taking the kid with her. After all, she COULD get pregnant. So she would look for another man who would have a child with her. That would mean that we would separate and I could either leave my well-paying job in this part of the country and move with her or I would only see my child once every Fortnight. I ended up trying anything in my power to appease her and get her to stay. But the emotional abuse and fear of losing my child left me hurt.
Chapter 1: My affair It started as innocent as most affairs start. She was a work colleague whom I will call Angela. She lived in another country. We were assigned to some projects together. During Covid we spent a lot of time in video calls. Projects eventually finished but the calls continued. We liked each other, had similar interests and told each other about our lives in a way that normal friends would. Never would I have thought to be romantically involved with that woman. After all, I would have to fly a few hours just to see her. After the covid lockdowns were lifted, there was a big company gathering where everybody from around the world flew in. During the planning phase, I realized that I had gotten very excited to finally meet Angela and realized that she had become more than a friend to me. During the meeting she expressed similar interests. I told her that I would never leave my wife because under no circumstances will I loose my son. The affair went on for a bit, mostly digital. I made it to her country a few times and she to mine. It was nice. But at some point I realized that she is not "everything I love in my wife and more". She is "more" in some aspects but in other aspects, it would be difficult to be with her. Obviously being in different countries is a challenge in itself. So we ended things amicably. Told ourselves that we enjoyed the time together. Last I heard, she is getting married and wants to start a family. I wish her all the best and haven't talked to her since. Also during the affair, I realized that my wife seemed to be coming out of her depression. Perhaps partly because I was being more attentive (i.e. careful so she wouldn't notice the affair). Perhaps she was just getting over things. Or perhaps because we started building a house; which had been a dream of hers since she was a child.
Chapter 2: The good years I had not told anybody about the affair with Angela. Not even my closest friends. It was my intention to keep it that way. I did feel guilty. But that was just a burden I had to bear, considering that I had cheated on her. However, things were looking better in our marriage. We were communicating better, we were building our life. We had nice vacations and some great weekend trips. Work / childcare / hobbies were very well organized. We were intimate quite often; anywhere from 3x a week to 3x a day. We were in love again and we were happy. Life was good. Especially now I put the affair behind me and wanted to look forward only.
Record Scratch... One day, I picked up my wife's phone when she was out for a run and saw a message of some guy that I didn't know. Perhaps somewhat paranoid because I myself had hidden an affair for long, I read the messages. The exchange had been going on for a week. He was sending her pictures of his abs and they were talking about movies. She asked him to show him 'The Big Lebowsky' because he recommended it and she had never seen it. (Bitch: I watched that with you years ago but nvmd). I was shocked and asked her who is. She tried to BS her way out of it but would eventually admit that she liked flirting with him. She told me that OF COURSE she would have never done anything. And a movie date doesn't automatically mean sex or making out. I wasn't sure if she is really that gullible or if she thought that I was. I asked her to delete the contact; perhaps message him 'good bye' (which she didn't). She deleted his number, Instagram, Facebook and whatnot. Said she was sorry, said it wouldn't happen again.
Chapter 3: We start swinging. Through all these years together we had always expressed a certain openness to other sexual partners. During our FWB-phase in the beginning, we actually had a foursome with another couple and quite enjoyed that. We both wanted to explore sexuality with other people. For me that was Threesomes with another lady (of course) but I do have a hint of bisexuality in me that I would be interested in exploring if my wife was fine with it. She mentioned that she wants to find out how other men are in bed. And she would also be down for FFM / MMF (bi or non-bi) threesomes and MFMF with other couples. So we signed up on a Swinger-Dating-Portal. Uploaded some juicy pictures and started swiping & messaging. We met a couple, lets call them Sandy & Mitch. We messaged them a few times, sent pictures of faces and other body parts & activities. We eventually found a babysitter, got all dressed up and drove to their house. We explicitly said that if either one of us does not want to do this anymore at any point, that would be the end of the swinging. No explanations necessary. What followed now, I can only describe as an awkward race to nastiness. We originally thought that we would just play spin the bottle. Perhaps start with a few pecks on the cheeks, perhaps let the ladies fool around with each other. Well. That was not the case. Sandy sat next to me and Mitch next to my wife. Mitch had put his arm around my wife, so I felt the urge to do the same to his. Mitch started touching her leg, so I did the same with Sandy. I looked over to my wife to see if she was comfortable, which she seemed. Then I leaned in for a careful kiss and another After a few minutes, we were frenching on their couch. Of course Mitch and my wife had to follow suit. So I undressed Sandy and started going down on her, only for the other two to do the same. After about 30 minutes, we were all naked. It felt exciting and new. But it did not feel good. When it came to the fucking part and putting on a condom (something I hadn't done since Angela and even then it was difficult; remember, I can't make babies...), my manlyhood decided that on that day I shall not be having sex. That didn't keep the other two from doing it. Sandy was very understanding and thoughtful. She offered blowjobs and handjobs but nothing worked. My head wasn't allowing it. Apparently, seeing my wife with another dude was not the turn-on we hoped it would be. Somewhat discouraged but motivated to perform better, I agreed for more dates. This time perhaps not with my wife in the same room, getting railed by fat Mitch. This worked better. We then opted for dates of 2 people each. Because we all have children and it was difficult to find babysitters, I drove to their place to fuck Sandy and Mitch drove to our place to fuck my wife. Intermission: Sandy & Mitches relationship Sandy & Mitch had been High school sweethearts. They had only slept with each other (at least until they started swinging recently). Earlier in their relationship, Sandy admitted to having kissed somebody else on 2 separate occasions. She found out later in therapy that she wants to sleep with other men. So she started going on Hotel-dates with different dudes. She told Mitch about it. While he reluctantly agreed because "it's what she needs in this marriage", he stayed at home crying. Of course she allowed him to date on the side too. But imagine the odds of a 6/10 lady looking for casual sex with guys 35 - 60 and a 3/10 overweight dude in his early forties (he did look better in his prime) doing the same. She had dicks lined up after mere hours while he was messaging hundreds of ladies to get a reply. She kept banging 2 other dudes regularly. Eventually, they found a couple but that didn't really click. They had a threesome with one of the dudes. Mitch had trouble enjoying this (was not in the mood and didn't get it up). But that didn't keep Sandy from finishing anyway... We both felt extremely sorry for the guy. But our own horniness didn't pay too much attention to it. They were very immersed in their small-town social life and volunteering. They argued that they could not suffer the stigma of separation and divorce; certainly not if all the dirty details came to light. My theory is that Mitch wants out of his marriage but does not have the courage without having found a new partner to be (monogamous) with. He really liked (and apparently still likes) my wife. She is out of his league and he is making every effort to win her over; massages, multiple calls & texts per day, small and thoughtful gifts (and all that while we were only couple-swapping).
Back to our Swinging story.
Each week, I started feeling more uneasy with the situation that I had originally agreed to. The other three were quite insistent that we had a "great thing going", so i gave in several times and agreed to yet another date. During that time, I increasingly noticed my wife texting with Mitch all the time. I noticed that she was less compassionate with me. I did want to be closer to her but she told me that I was smothering her. What I learned later was that Mitch had confessed his love to my wife. I do not know if the feeling was mutual. My wife said it wasn't. But she would later admit that she really enjoyed him making an effort for her. I eventually raised my Veto and said that I wanted to stop swapping partners.. -- Boy did that make people angry. Sandy was pissed because she thought I didn't find her attractive (anymore?). She was trying to gaslight me back into this foursome-relationship. My theory is that she had finally found a lady-friend for Mitch which he enjoyed. Of course, Mitch wasn't willing to stop. After all, he was in love. Also my wife finally admitted that she had somewhat fallen in love with the guy. All three were badgering me how I could destroy something so beautiful. But I was not able to continue this and demanded an end. The ladies agreed to stay friends. My wife promised that she would see Mitch anymore. And that was that (or so I thought).
Chapter 4: The ugly aftermath Things were getting better. I had asked my wife how she was handling things. She seemed ok. I suggested couples therapy because our relationship did take a significant hit. She did not want to: "It's too expensive, she doesn't need therapy. She still loves me." She said that the only person having psychological issues would be me. Well, I did start seeing a therapist. Any time I wanted to talk about this topic, my wife blocked it off. Every time I asked about couples therapy, she would push me away, citing that I need to give her time and space to "fall out of love" with Mitch. It felt weird to me. And my feeling was not wrong. One fine day, she was on a work trip (legit), I logged into her Facebook and saw an exchange unfold in front of my eyes. Mitch saying how much he misses her and loves her and how much he enjoyed the evening before. My heart broke that moment. They quickly deleted the messages but I was able to screenshot them and confront her about it. Perhaps I'm delusional but I was hoping for an apologetic wife to return home and beg me for forgiveness and to take her back. Quite the contrary - she explained to me that she can't just fall out of love and how it would be the ultimate display of love from my side if I let her enjoy this feeling with him. That was the moment when I really wanted to piss her off, so I told her about my affair with Angela. I suppose just to demonstrate that it actually IS easy to fall out of love if you go no-contact. It's super-easy, especially if you're married to someone you love. She cried. But after about 2 days, I asked her if she was still angry about it, she just shrugged it off. I decided to be with her after all and that's what counts. I demanded that she stop texting/calling/anything with him immediately if she still wanted to be with me. Another few weeks go by and things do get better. She had felt betrayed in her trust because I went through her stuff, so she changed her passwords. From time to time I did ask to see her phone and she would show me an empty chat window that had no new messages in it. But since she now knew when and what to delete, this did not build any trust. I kept mentioning that perhaps now that (as I thought) all that was behind us, we could go to couple's therapy together. Still she refused. I noticed that she was buying nicer clothes, was using perfume. At the same time she was asking me to dress nicer and use all kinds of products. I didn't think much of it but it felt strange to me. When I asked her why she still was (in love) with me, she mentioned the house, the child and our future together but none of my personal traits. That felt strange to me. Also she was safeguarding her phone like a treasure. It went everywhere. On each run, into the bathroom. It was hidden under pillows when we're in the same room. Occasionally I asked her if I could see it and she only quickly showed me some old messages to demonstrate that nothing had been texted. It was pretty clear that she had deleted messages. But she always denied it. Now, the phone bill came in and I saw that throughout the last 8 weeks she had called Mitch (and what turned out to be Mitches work phone) almost every day. She sent a great amount of texts. She turned off the location on her phone, so it doesn't show location history. Now it is clear that she has been in contact with him. I am done. I will ask her tonight if she wants to tell me anything. I am so unbelievably sad. I cannot be in this relationship anymore. Even if she gave me her word to be faithful to me now, I wouldn't be able to trust her. My moral of the story is: If your gut tells you she's cheating, she probably is.
So how can you help me? I am quite sure that she is still cheating on me. And even when Mitch is out of the picture, some other guy will come along and she'll be interested in him. Am I throwing away 10/20/30 good years of being married in the future because I can't swallow my pride that she is having an affair? Especially since I had one myself.
UPDATE:
She told me that those were only phone calls where they discussed their relationships and that she was helping Mitch with his issues at home. In front of me, she deleted his numbers and blocked him from texting. She uninstalled Telegram. She blocked him on Facebook and Instagram. What I learned later was that she did not block him on WhatsApp.
Sunday night she told me how she wants to work on our relationship now and finally wants to go to couple's therapy together. I asked her if there was anything else I needed to know. In particular, if there had been any meetings. "Nope. Just phone calls.", she said numerous times.
On Monday morning, she was supposed to be at the dentist but something felt off. I demanded to see her phone which she handed to me unlocked. Of course, no messages could be found. But she did have both his (work and private) numbers saved again under a different name. At this point, I had memorized the number and just started typing the number and saw the contact pop up. She admitted that she had met him this morning (and was not at the dentist) to break things off and end it finally. I told Sandy about the meeting and the frequent calls and she confronted Mitch when he got home. Turns out, he has been more talkative than my (ex-)wife. He admitted that they had met every week in the parking lot of a nearby park. Went for a walk, talked, kissed and then had unprotected sex in his car. When I confronted her about these newfound details, she just went off on me how I had an affair and she feels that it was justified because I had done the same thing.
Fuck. This.
Update 2 (03/28/24):
In the aftermath, I learned that my wife and the guy had secretly met at least twice (not once, like I thought) before my wife knew about my affair. Of course it's just a minute detail. But it showed me that my affair might have been the reason why she continued but it wasn't her reason to start. Information keeps trickling through. It doesn't put me on a higher horse. But helps to get clarity.
After a long conversation, I told her that we should separate. She told me that I would regret this. She would cut our son out of her life. She is using him to get back at me.
Then she had a nervous breakdown last night and begged me to forgive her and take her back. I tried to calm her down and said that I would work on it with her. Deep inside I know it will only postpone the inevitable separation and consequent divorce. Which will lead to her losing the the life she had always wanted.
I want to get out of this toxic mess. My son needs his loving mother. But I have no issue in being a single dad.

I am using a throwaway account in case my wife stumbles across this. Sorry for the length.
I have been married for over 30 years. We got married young and we are both in our 50s. I was very young and inexperienced when I met her. She was not only my first lover but my first girlfriend and first kiss. I was not her first by a longshot. Our sex life was never great except for maybe the first year. Being a virgin meant I really didn't know what I was doing, even how to kiss her properly, and she got very impatient with me very quickly despite me asking her pointblank to help me become a better kisser and a better lover. She said that I was "fine" but that she had always had problems orgasming from sex even with her old boyfriends and it was a lot of work for her to get off. She said I didn't know how to turn her on and she couldn't tell me how. I just had to figure it out. Trust me when I say I was very eager to try to figure that out but she also kept shooting me down. I bought a vibrator to use together and she wouldn't use it. Same with a dildo. I tried nipple clamps and she said she didn't like her nipples played with. I wanted to develop my oral skills, but she said she didn't like having men "down there" and never let me try for more than maybe a minute at a time while she lay there with a pained expression on her face. I asked her to give me a blow job and she did it once and then got upset at me when I came in her mouth. She never did it again although she said she wanted to. I had her tie me up and just ride me any way she wanted to and she usually ended up pulling me on top of her to finish quickly. I always felt like I was disappointing her in the bedroom despite being really eager to please her anytime she wanted. Literally. Anytime at all. I even asked her if my penis was too big or too small which she laughed at. I know I am not small, I could (still can) go multiple times, and never had an issue staying hard so I gave up on figuring out what the hell she wanted - especially if she would not or could not tell me or show me - and just started having sex for myself in missionary and then doggy every single time with her encouraging me to finish as quickly as I could and get it over with.
She said she was fine with that and enjoyed the intimacy but as a result (I am sure) she stopped wanting to have sex very often and by a few years in we were in a dead bedroom which is where we were for most of our marriage with sex maybe a few times a year and sometimes several years without any at all. It led to a lot of conflict, although my wife would probably say the conflict led to the dead bedroom. My personal opinion is that it started with her pulling away from me and withholding sex. She admits she wanted more independence and more life experiences but I wanted a committed relationship so she compromised. She has said our courtship was too short. She actually left me and moved into her own apartment for a year 20 years ago to "find herself" and decided she wanted to be with me after all, she was very in love with me, and she thought we were soulmates.
Our sex life picked up briefly in frequency after she moved back in again and she commented that she was horny for the first time in a long time, but the quality remained terrible. It was unsatisfying for us both, she never did anything other than PIV sex - and anal a few times which she actually liked more than I did but only sparingly. I thought I had finally found her kink because it made her cum but she really had to be in the mood for it and that was almost never. No oral, no handjobs, no massages, no oral on her (she would not allow it), nothing. She never even kissed me anywhere except my lips and my neck. Sex dwindled back down to almost nothing.
Aside from the complete lack of physical intimacy, however, our life was together was good up until recently. I would never have thought of anything other than spending the rest of our lives together. Last year though, I had a mid-life crisis. I started to reflect on what I had and had not accomplished in life and as part of that I felt a deep sense of sorrow that there were so many mundane experiences that married couples have that we never shared. Not just the lack of regular satisfying sex but coming home from work and being greeted with a kiss or being told how sexy I was or her stroking my arm or getting mad if I stoked hers. She was always very touch averse both giving and receiving. Remember, I was totally inexperienced when I met her and I started to feel like she had deprived me of a lot of my masculinity, my self-worth, and my sexuality.
I started to feel very unappreciated and it led to a torrent of resentment and anger that just exploded out of me which I directed towards her and also myself for living in denial about how my needs weren't being met. I started lashing out at her in very explosive and verbally abusive ways and telling her that I felt trapped, betrayed, and disrespected, and that the marriage was over and she needed to leave our house. I didn't really want to ask for a divorce, at least not yet, but what I meant was that the status quo needed to change or else she or I needed to leave because I wasn't having it anymore.
After one of these arguments which mainly consisted of me attacking her and her deflecting blame we were talking about our nonexistent sex life (years now) and she told me that since she hit menopause she is done with sex, she never liked it much anyway (with anyone), if I still wanted it I was an immature and horny man acting like I was still in my 20s, and I should just get over it, grow up, and enjoy our life together. I told her I just wanted more intimacy and she said that it's overrated. I just felt so much resentment at how she had treated me and what she was saying that I was literally trembling and wanted her out of my sight so I shoved her back (we were both standing) and out of the room. She wasn't physically hurt but she locked herself in the bedroom and cried. She said that was the first time she realized I had been disrespecting her for months and it was a rude awakening to herself for how I had been acting with my verbal and emotional abuse since my crisis began which had been about 6 months. She later told me that "What's done cannot be undone."
When I told her that she had been extremely cold to me all of these years and it is finally all coming out she said "I am not going to apologize to you for that, especially after what you did. You are lucky I didn't call the police."
It took me actually touching her in anger to realize what I had been doing to her since my midlife crisis started and I was very ashamed. I have apologized to her many times. I started my own therapy to deal with my abusive behavior, because I know that was a conscious choice I made to try to make an impression on her about how seriously I have been damaged by her behavior and maybe scare her or I don't know... - certainly not to hurt her, but she doesn't believe me and says (rightfully) that it is all the things I had been telling her that hurt the most but it was the shove that made her decide to call me out for my behavior.
I have been trying to process all of my anger into other emotions, and understand why I was so willing to accept a marriage with very little physical intimacy when I wanted it. My therapist told me that it's clear I love my wife very much but by acting the way I did she may never forgive me so I need to work on myself to prevent that abusive behavior from ruining other relationships. She (my therapist) does not talk to my wife so she doesn't know her side of anything and she has been focusing on my behaviors rather than too much about what precipitated them other than how I was feeling and how I can make better and more mature choices when I do have conflict.
One thing that has been bothering me, though, is that we are focusing a lot on what I have done wrong and how I can be a better person, but there is nothing being addressed on her side as to why she withholds so much love and affection for me even though she claims I am the love of her life. Now that I am in therapy my rage and resentment and contempt are turning into very deep sorrow. My therapist is helping me through that but it is like I am dying inside because I simultaneously recognize that I turned into a horrible person but also that I have been suffering much more deeply than I let myself believe. I am also grieving for my wife and for the marriage and for the promise of what it might have been if I had taken my needs more seriously and presented them to her as non-negotiable. Maybe we would have divorced by now and that might have been an acceptable outcome instead of me battering a woman I profess to love like some kind of Neanderthal.
Now I am not even sure that I want to continue in this marriage myself. My wife is insistent that sex will never be a part of it and is not even physically possible for her anymore. She said she will forgive me my abusive behavior given enough time but that we will never be romantic partners again which she says I should accept because as I get older sex will become impossible for me, too, so I should not throw away decades of marriage over that. She said not to overlook the value of having a best friend to spend my final years with enjoying each others company versus being old and lonely and she very much wants that future for us.
My therapist says that she does have a point. I can get angry about our non-existent and shitty past sex life all I want, but how much more time do we have left before it becomes physically difficult for me anyway? Do the other parts of the marriage make up for it? I wish I had this crisis years ago because these are questions I have been ignoring for a long time.
I am still just so really hurt by all of this that I don't know what I want. I feel like my entire marriage was a lie and that I wasted my youth in a passionless marriage that won't get better. On the other hand, I really do cherish good times we had. We created a lot of great memories together, had a lot of firsts, have a nice family (we adopted a son who is adult now), and I know we could create more if I could just get over this extremely bitter resentment I have and now on top of it I have been an abusive asshole and she says it will take her a long time to trust me again in the way that she did so I am having to be on doubleplusgood behavior while still seething with a lot of animosity to be frank. I have been able to do it but it is exhausting and I just want to give up most days.
Part of me still feels like she is getting away with something here. She neglected me for decades and I am the one doing all the therapy. I journal constantly and my works put Stephen King to shame in terms of sheer volume. She says she cries every morning thinking about the end of our life together, which she was very satisfied with, but I also don't hear her offering to apologize or make any compromises for me.
With the abuse in the picture now she says all the advice she gets is to leave me which she doesn't want to do. She says that I hate her now, want to divorce her, and her entire life will be ruined if I do. I asked my therapist about couples therapy and she instead she gave me a recommendation for a therapist for my wife. I feel like that may just be another person telling her how horrible I am for mistreating her and not hearing my side of the story, although my therapist said they would be objective.
My wife wants to separate for a few weeks to gather her thoughts. I waiver between agreeing with that and also just filing for divorce and getting it over with already because I am so tired and I feel like she's stringing me along. We know what the issues are so let's work on them or divorce. It's affecting my job performance, my sleep, everything. The idea of a sexless marriage with a woman who now resents me too doesn't seem great, but the idea of being a 50something neurodivergent single man who has always struggled to meet women and has only been with one in my entire life scares the hell out of me.
If somehow we could just go back to being best friends again and she could meet me halfway with the lack of intimacy I would really like that. I am considering seeing how open she might be to that, but from what I have seen so far she really thinks the problem is mostly on my side and will not compromise. Will a counselor help her see how we much she has hurt me, apologize for it, and let us move past this or do I just give up on the marriage and file for divorce already?
​

1. It's more honest. A lot of women want money anyway, including many worth having children with.
2. It's more fair.
3. I would rather pay something I agreed to explicitly for what I want than paying something I never explicitly agreed too. Alimony and child support is not explicitly agreed and hard to modify or even have the amount known before sex happen.
4. Case of Danny Masterson and Donald Trump shows that it's very easy for men to be liable for sexual assault/rape with very little evidence. Making sex transactional provides proof that sex is consensual.
5. If I know that a woman is smart enough and pretty enough, I only need to know if I can afford her. So if I offer money, whether she says yes or no, I win. If she says yes, once I can just repeat order her as sugar babies for life. If she says no, I know we're not a match quickly. Either way it's a win.
6. It's always wise to split deals into smaller pieces.
7. It's always wise to avoid governments on all relationship.
8. I think women that wants to prevent paid sex are just ugly and men that wants to keep transactional sex illegal are just poor. People with that kind of attitude should be avoidable.
9. I think all deals should be like business deals. Such deals work. Why change it.
10. Even if you love each other, love shouldn't replace common sense business deals. If your children want to do business with you, wouldn't you sign proper contract? And I love my children more than I love their mom. So why shouldn't you make proper deals with women even if you love her?
11. Few things reveal women preference more than offering money and see how she responded. Even when she says no, she reveals something, namely that she's not willing to do something for some amount of money. That reveals are free. Yes means she is willing to do something for some money.

I have desire to have children. Also after I pay a sugar baby several time, assuming she is smart and pretty enough for me, the women got attached to me.
Basically I got everything I want from marriage by just paying, without all the excessive baggage.

1. Not wasting money on women that don't want me. No means no. No sex, no money. Don't want to do video chat? She's ugly anyway. Not even dinner. Don't want to do test IQ? Must be low IQ or not submissive enough. bye.... Willing to do nude video chat is a plus but that's optional. Not wanting to do even handjob means tricky.
2. Not exposing my self to alimony. In my country there is no child support laws though I gladly support my child.
3. The quality of women I am getting go up very high. I really get what I want. Smart, pretty, young, high IQ.
4. Love is not important for me. That being said, people tend to love those who they are nice with to each other. What is a more reliable way to be nice to each other if not making things transactional.
5. Common sense in all humans relationship is you split deals into smaller pieces. Again transactional sex is a good way to turn marriage into piecemeal deals.
6. Love should not replace cautious dealing. Anything that can be a scam is a scam. Even if I deal with my son, say we do business together, I would want explicit contracts. I do not understand the idea that relationship should be based on love and hence shouldn't be transactional. First, good transaction is far more important than love. Second, even if you love each other, what's wrong in making transaction clear? It is precisely because you love each other you want to ensure that she doesn't backstab you or do anything that damage relationship. The only way to do so is to make deals explicit.

Some said that this only works if you only want sex. NO.
Even if you want long term relationship you are better off paying
That's the catch. EVEN if you want long term serious relationship, you are better off paying.
That is if what you want is measurable. Say you want the children to be truly yours. Say you want the women to be pretty and smart. You are better off just paying. I get far prettier and smarter women when I explicitly offer money.
Serious relationship will ALWAYS cost money. Children will cost money. Within marriage you can be liable on children that's not truly yours. Such exposure alone makes all marriage shitty.
On transactional relationship you can specify if you want to support children that's not yours. Of course you won't. But you can specify.
Paying women for sex is a great way to build relationship.
Fuck her several time and you can ask her to be just yours or exclusive or have children. She already knows you through several fucking.
But here is ultimate reason why you should, as much as legally possible, just pay women for anything you want.
Our society is very much against transactional sex. They do NOT want win win relationship. Many people, openly say, for example, that they do not want rich men to hoard women. That they want poor men to get a wife too and so on. And if you are married, such preferences are encoded in marriage laws. That is why marriage laws have terms that most people would NOT agree. Things like alimony.
So if you care about your happiness and the happiness of women that want to have sex with you, you should make things as transactional as possible. Doing what societies want will hurt both.

Summer break was about to end. And I was excited than ever.
​
The chat we had with Nat was a big relief for me. It took me a while to build up my courage to talk about Ellie's date nights, or going down on her while she's sexting with Dylan, or officially titled as "slave" eventually, but I managed to talk about them without diverting from the truth. Nat never reacted like it was a big deal and listened me curiously. And she was supportive all along, which obviously encouraged me to devote myself to Ellie even more. I felt like Nat was also excited to witness an alternative lifestyle, and was eager to see where it will lead us. I asked her to be my emotional support, and confidante in this journey, and she gladly accepted. She was going to be my benchmark to see if I'm going to the extremes and making a mistake.
​
Being fully aware of that Ellie wouldn't like that, we agreed with Nat to set up a secret email address, both her and me, and keep it secure and exchange emails once in a while. We were not going to use normal communication ways at all to keep ourselves safe from being discovered, and exchange emails as we go ahead.
​
.....
​
Meanwhile, Ellie had spent most of her last week with Dylan. I was not getting much attention from her, and I wasn't disturbing them during their last week. We were exchanging some texts throughout the day, but she didn't call me until two days before the end of summer. That's where I learned about she texted Sean to hook up with him -to "close the deal" they had during the weekend getaway, but learned that he officially started dating with Melissa. Sean asked him to not tell Melissa what happened between them. Although disappointed, Ellie told me that she wanted them to be happy. Dylan also tried to set up another threesome with Megan, but it didn't go along. Ellie was obviously into the threesomes with Dylan, and I was also curious about if Megan's subtle submissiveness had a part in Ellie's eagerness for another round or not. But I didn't asked about anything.
​
As I said before, she spent most of her last week with Dylan. She was now spending lots of time in their house. I guessed that Dylan's mom must be somewhat OK with it, to see at least that her son's settling down with a girl. Hesitantly, I asked her if they announced that they're a couple to anyone, but she told me that they're not a couple and "just hanging out" until the end of the summer. It was a big relief to me.
​
She also told me that she started liking Hazel, Dylan's little sister. Being a total bitch at their first encounter, she opened up to Ellie slowly after a while and showed that she's not just another moody teenager. It sounded to me like Ellie did really enjoy spending time with Hazel.
​
Before hanging up, we talked about what we were going to do when we are back. Her flight was several hours before me, so we decided to meet at our home directly. We had several days before the classes start so we had time to settle down again, set up some ground rules and get the house going. But we decided to leave the details to when we were together.
​
"Ellie, can I tell you something? I missed you so, so much." I told her, hesitantly. I was feeling like we were distanced from each other during the last six weeks, and was afraid of how we were going to feel once we're back together. But it didn't go as I expected:
​
"Me too babe. I know that we didn't have much chance to connect emotionally in last couple weeks, but I really missed living with you. Believe me, not only this game between us. I missed your smell, your hug, your laugh..."
​
"You made me so happy babe. I miss you too. Everything about you..."
​
And we had a pleasant, gentle conversation about how we missed each other of a couple minutes before hanging up. It was the first sweet conversation we had after such a long time, and I was thankful, really thankful for it. I hanged up with a big smile on my face.
​
....
​
I got off the plane in a bright Friday evening on the September 2015 to return to my city, my school, and my dear Ellie, and took a cab straight to our house. We were full of love during the last couple of days, but she was also reminding me here and there that I was still her slave. So, I wasn't entirely sure about how it was going to be like, and I doubt she knew either. We had agreed to let it flow and see how it'll unfold together. So, when I rang the door, I wasn't sure if I was going to kiss her lips, or toes.
​
To my relief, she greeted with a hug, and a long, nice kiss. I just hold her in my arms as long as I can, and whispered to her ear saying that I missed her so much. Soon, we ended up on our bed, hugging and kissing each other slowly. We talked about how good it feels to be back and other random things that a loving couple would talk about. After a while, she started unbuttoning my pants, and pulled them down, revealing my rock-hard penis. I was as stiff as I can be, and she started touching my shaft slowly with her soft fingertips.
​
"Did you keep your promise?"
​
"Yeah baby, it was so hard, but I did." I lied to her.
​
"I can see. Good job babe, I'm proud of you. Do you think you deserve a nice, long, sloppy handjob? Did you miss having sex with me?" She was touching my dick very slowly, very carefully.
​
"You can't imagine how much I missed that."
​
"But do you think you deserved it?"
​
I knew that it was a trick question, so I responded carefully:
​
"No babe, I don't deserve such a thing by following your orders. Only you can give me that, whenever you think I'm worthwile. I belong to you." I was hoping that this would convince her.
​
"You are such a good boy. I'm proud of how quick you're learning. Undress me." She let herself completely flat on the bed, and let me undress her. I was kissing her naked body, her skin while removing her clothes, but she also reminded me to not to touch myself. Her tanned skin was softer than ever. Two thin white bikini lines were running down her shoulders, and ending on her perfect pink nipples. She was sexier than ever to me. Once she got completely naked, I removed my clothes as quickly as possible.
​
"Wow, you are toning up boy!" She said when I removed my shirt. I thought that comment worth all the gym sessions throughout the summer. "I liked that, keep going and you'll get much better."
​
I thanked her, and got back to the bed, right next to her. We were again naked, on our bed, and touching each other.
​
"See, we're back on our bed together. After all that time, I'm with you again. I know that you were afraid of losing me, but you trusted me and kept going. I'm really proud of what we achieved babe. We showed that a relationship is way more than just sex, and we can be a happy couple while having sex with other people." She was right next to me, under my arm. Her boobs were pressed against my chest, and she was touching my dick as slow as it can be.
​
"Tell me how it felt when I was talking about how I got fucked."
​
"It was hard, it is still hard, but I learned enjoying it. I'm not feeling jealous anymore. I'm feeling... I don't know if there is a word for it. I feel "content". I feel satisfied when I hear the satisfaction in your voice. I feel good."
​
"So, you don't want to fuck me anymore then?"
​
"Ah quite the opposite! I crave for that every moment. I can die for that. But now I know that I won't be, and it doesn't annoy me as much as it did before. I love your pussy. I don't care who's having all the fun, I'm happy worshipping it."
​
She stopped touching me, and pushed my head gently towards her pussy. It was a sign for me to assume position for oral sex. Then, once I got between her legs, she stopped me and told me to just stay an inch away from her pussy while we speak. I was smelling her clean-shaved pussy, was seeing that she's getting wet, and I was pressing my rock-hard dick against the bed and hoping to not have an accident and get a premature orgasm. While I was just staying an inch away from Ellie's pussy and resisting the urge to kiss it, she kept talking.

I’m late to the party, having just watched the movie! I’ve been reading through this sub, and just wanted to vent and add my own 2 cents…
The writing and acting is phenomenal, obviously. Reviews not liking the ending or digging for plot holes are trying too hard to make this movie into something it’s not I feel.
However; the frustration occurs when the viewer tries to find some sort of rhyme and reason to the chronology of Oliver’s actions (something that’s been discussed a lot in this sub too). For example, was it always his plan to takeover the estate, to kill the entire family? Did he ever love Felix? All of the questions raised about Oliver’s motives are open to interpretation, which is great in any art form. But for me, while watching the film I was convinced from the beginning that Oliver had dissociative identity disorder, or split personality disorder.
While it’s clear Oliver has mental health issues, it was a surprise noone really delves into the fact that he is at least two different “people” throughout the film.
Every sudden mood change when he looks into the mirror is him face to face with the “evil” Oliver. Even the amazing 3 way mirror shot shows the viewer “a different side” of Oliver, representing his different personas. In contrast, every one-on-one interaction with Felix is the Oliver who is infatuated and/or in love with Felix, the “innocent” Oliver. There is a continuous struggle between his lonely persona who just wants to be accepted and loved, and the manipulative persona who wants to infiltrate the Catton household. I really didn’t get the feeling that it was always Oliver’s intention to kill Felix. There are so many tender moments, when he’s so happy to just be with him or spend time with him. Even at the end, when he says, paraphrased, “you’re the only friend I’ve ever had”, it’s heartbreakingly real. But 2 minutes later, he’s murdering him. Evil Oliver takes over. What would have happened if Felix had forgiven him there and then? Would the entire plan to sieze the estate have been cancelled? Would innocent Oliver have won (for that moment)?
The road trip didn’t sit right with some people - how come he didn’t realise where they were going sooner, was it just a transparant plotline to carry the story forward? My opinion is that the two Olivers were in internal battle. Evil Oliver knew they were going home, but did nothing to stop them. He could have stopped the car, jumped out, fought harder. Felix finding out the truth is THE WORST thing that can happen to innocent Oliver, so I presume he would have done anything to prevent it instead of freezing up and just letting it happen. But to evil Oliver, it’s irrelavant - he’s going to kill them all anyway, if anything it’s the best way to silence innocent Oliver once and for all.
Barry Keoghan is astounding in the way he changes his mannerisms, his posture, his eyes even. Not just when he’s vampiring or handjobbing, but even when just talking to the family. The “you’re so fucking beautiful” line is delivered stone cold, whereas the “pamela died?” line is so sympathetic. Fennell is amazing in how the details hint at which Oliver we have (the difference with the maid waking him up on the 2 mornings for example). For me, the clearest switch between personas is when the party is singing happy birthday - he’s happy and content, part of the friend group, but then they forget his name and BAM his face changes, almost as if evil Oliver has been awakened and is saying fuck all these people.
DID and split personality disorder is such a real thing, it’s scary how distinct the personas can be and how they can fight each other for the spotlight. I really felt that Oliver had that internal struggle going on. Otherwise this movie becomes a “psycho manipulator targets rich family and spends 6 months grooming the son just to use their own shortcomings to ensure their death” film, and in that case the reviewers have a field day with rushed endings and plot holes. Whereas the way I interpret it, the family trusting and accepting Oliver doesn’t seem so farfetched because it was actually innocent, lonely, sweet Oliver that they were embracing.

Tags: [RAPE][Monster fucker][Victim Listener][Gaslighting][Manipulation][Classic Horror][Mommy][Fdom][Msub][Porn With Plot][Choking][Psycho][Mad Scientist][Edging][Handjob][Mommy][Countdown][Creampie][Isolating you] [Mad Scientist] [Good boy][F cum eating] [SCRIPT OFFER]
Billy again. Thought I would write a script for you that was a little different. I told myself I would write something slightly more normal after completing the second part of the Time Travel series but here I am writing Frankenstein inspired yandere scripts. I just like weird monster stuff lately I guess 😂
For the record, if Dr.Frankenstein created Frankenstein's monster, then that would make him basically his son, therefore that would also make him a Frankenstein ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Also the title works a lot better than Frankenstein's Monster's Yandere so shush
Summary:
After your untimely demise, you thought you had finally gotten rid of the insane scientist who fell in love with you and made your life a living hell. Unfortunately for you, she really is insane, and has done everything in her power to bring you back to life.

🔩Love Me Dead🔩

✨If you'd like to read more of my scripts, hear their fills or listen to some of my performances, check out my Masterlist here✨
If you enjoyed this script, do please let me know in the comments! I love hearing what y'all think 🥰

Several years ago my 22m son was staying with me, I came home one day after getting a haircut and mentioned to him he should try my barber. She’s a very good storyteller, extremely nice looking, does an amazing job and she shaves the neck with hot towels and a straight razor with a nice massage afterwards. He replied, “I like where I go, I get a great haircut, just the way I like it and afterwards a nice handjob.” I said, “damn, where do you go?” “Well I cut my own hair, so…”

Part 29
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that the monstrosity was licking me and whining like a long-lost dog, returned to his master, instead of messily devouring me. In my defense, the smell was just atrocious. Like death, not warmed over, but left to rot in a hot and steamy grave. With a side of skunk.
Eventually, however, I caught up to what was going on and managed to stop screaming. Which was a blessing, because the thing seemed to like licking my open mouth. I sputtered and spat.
"What is this thing?" I cried out.
"I don't know exactly. The gods call him 'Grandfather'. He comes around sometimes. He played fetch with my kids, once. I'm pretty sure he's a guardian of this place, because a demon showed up once and he ate him. It was pretty awesome to watch, too."
"Wait..." I said, trying to get myself out from underneath it. I couldn't see anything except flashing limbs and blackness. I eventually gave up on hauling myself along the ground, realizing that it was just pacing me, and I grabbed the thing. It didn't really have a body, just a spot in the middle where all the limbs came together and... It felt wrong.
Not wrong like bad, but like, wrong for what I had seen. As I grabbed it, I felt warm, soft fur. The way the muscles moved under the skin was like... It was weird. I just somehow knew that this thing was simply overjoyed to see me from the way it moved. Like a large, happy dog squirming on your lap. I pulled it off my chest and head, and down to my lap, and then I began to scratch.
The whines changed pitch. A half dozen eyestalks appeared from the black smoke in the middle and fixed onto me with a teary, adoring gaze. One of the legs began to beat against the ground in time with my scratching.
"Holy shit," I mumbled. Here I was, giving scritchies to some kind of Lovecraftian nightmarish horror.
"That's one," Yarm said. I glanced up at him. "One what?"
"One curse word. Don't you meter your cursing?" I frowned.
"No. That's kinda weird."
"Huh. I thought you did. Guess that's the other one."
I watched the muscular man as he stood there, hands on his hips, watching me pet the thing on my lap. Something about him was familiar... It was like my brain was trying to have an echo, but it just wasn't happening. It couldn't progress past the sense of deja-vu. I believed his pronouncement that we knew each other, though.
We sat there for a few minutes. I scratched the weird tentacle-thing, Yarm watched, and the weird tentacle-thing just lapped up the scratches and never got sick of them.
"So how did you know he wanted to meet me?" I asked. Yarm shrugged again. "It's just... Sometimes, you can just tell what he wants."
"Huh. Okay. Um, where are we?"
"The happy hunting grounds, we call it. There's a bunch of us here. It goes on forever in any direction, but if you wanna go anywhere else, you just set off, and you'll get there in a day. It's pretty nice, as any good afterlife should be. I'm dead, and this is the afterlife, by the way. Or at least, it's my afterlife. My whole family's dead, too."
"I'm sorry for your loss," I said without thinking. Yarm laughed.
"My wife still drives me nuts sometimes. And my kids have been kids for thousands of years, but they haven't gotten sick of it yet. So I'm good."
"Huh," I said. Sarisa had told me some stuff about the various afterlives, but I had quickly stopped trying to learn more. The whole thing was too confusing, honestly. Kids staying kids for thousands of years, never seemingly gaining the experience of thousands of years of life? Parents, content to never see their kids grow up? Sarisa had explained that a soul in an afterlife had its desires and character tweaked by that afterlife, without changing who the person fundamentally was, but I hadn't ever been able to wrap my brain around it.
"I need to find my wife and my friends," I said. "We all came here together."
"Yeah. Grandfather probably wanted to guide you, that's why he wanted to meet you. Come on. He likes to sit by fires, and I've got a nice one going at my place."
"Okay," I said. "But have your wife hold off on the blowjobs."
Yarm just laughed.
----
Yarm's wife was as gorgeous as he was handsome, and both of his kids were as adorable as kids can get. I declined the offer of a blowjob, and then I declined the offer of anal sex, too. She told me in clear terms that vaginal sex was off the table, and I almost wished I'd actually asked about any of that, just to contextualize whatever the hell was going on.
I also declined Yarm's offer of anal sex. Twice, once as the bottom and once as the top. Good lord, who are these people?
He was right about Grandfather, though. He went and laid down next to the fire as soon as we got in, rumbling and sighing happily. Yarm's kids petted his limp tentacles gently, and he occasional petted back. I could almost feel the contentment radiating off him.
"So, I really need to find my friends," I said. One of Grandfather's eyestalks rose and fixed its gaze on me.
"Yarm will go with you," his wife -Brekka- said. "He's been needing to get out of the house. Kill something, or pound a little strange. He's getting on my nerves, these past few years."
Yarm favored her with a fond smile. "Love you, too, dear," he said. She smiled beatifically at him and they shared a kiss. When they were done, Yarm looked back at me. "I guess I'm going with you," he said.
"Do you know where to go?" I asked. He shrugged. "No, but we'll find them, no doubt. You really can't get lost in the spirit world, unless you're trying to. We'll start walking in the morning, and we'll find them by the next sunset."
"Does it really always work that way?" I asked. Yarm nodded. "It does. I've been all over, even to some of the dark places. The afterlives for the bad sorts of souls. They're kinda stuck, but folks in the good afterlives are free to come and go as they please."
Brekka stood up and began stirring the pot over the fire. "Stew should be done. Jerry, will you grab that stack of bowls behind you?"
I turned around on the log section I'd been using as a chair, and found a wooden shelf with a stack of wooden bowls on it. I fetched four and passed them to her.
"You're not hungry, dear?" she asked me.
"Oh, I uh, I didn't want to impose..." I waffled. She blew out a sharp breath and smiled. "Nonsense. Get another bowl. In fact, get two. Maybe Grandfather wants some, too."
Two more eyestalks rose up. I turned to Yarm as Brekka ladeled stew into the bowls.
"So how do we know each other?"
"Apparently, in another life we are best friends. Also, I'm a god."
I shrugged. "My wife use to be a god. Our best friend still is one, that's not really that surprising."
"Well, it is to me," Yarm said with a barked laugh. "Apparently, I'm supposed to be a god by this point, but I'm not. The goddess of secrets, do you know her?"
"Pale skin, red hair, butt naked with a little translucent scarf that floats around her?" I asked. Yarm nodded.
"That's the one. She came to me. Well, she wasn't the first. A skinny brunette first told me I was supposed to be a god ten, twelve thousand years back. But the redhead showed up a couple weeks ago, told me there was a problem and made me quiz her on what it was."
"Yeah, that sounds like Fulla," I said bitterly.
"Heh. Anyways, I got it out of her that something's gone wrong, and the prophecy's not coming to fruition. Which is bad enough on its own, but there's also something wrong with the universe and it's going to unravel. I wasn't really able to keep up until I asked if I met any new friends. Then she started gushing about you and I. Apparently, we live next door to each other, and we compete over grilling meat, and one of my sons is dating one of your daughters. She really went into a lot of detail on that."
"Of course, Fulla goes into detail when talking to you." I sighed, mentally grumbling about her vagueness when speaking to me. "Did she say how we met?"
"Something about you talking me into trying to toughen you up? She was a little vague."
I eyed his muscular torso and nodded. He looked like someone who could maybe toughen me up a bit. Brekka handed each of us a bowl of stew, with a wooden spoon in it. Yarm immediately took a sip of it and sighed in satisfaction.
"After we eat, we'll get some sleep," He said. "We can start at first light. You sleep with Brekka, I'll sleep with the kids."
"You sure about that?" Brekka asked him. He shrugged. "I had a tumble with Eli and Simi this morning. I can go a night without rutting."
"Works for me," she replied. Brekka flashed me a lascivious smile and I swallowed hard. This was going to be an interesting night.
----
I managed to make it through with my honor intact, so long as you don't count handjobs. And don't give me shit about it, I was asleep and dreaming that it was Sarisa doing it. I'm just glad she didn't insist upon me returning the favor when I nutted myself awake. Instead, she just lay there, continuing to snore gently. As the little spoon, I couldn't move without waking her, so I went back to sleep.
For whatever reason, neither of the two adults (the kids seemed entirely removed from it, thank god) seemed to have the slightest hint of jealousy or fidelity to each other. I wondered briefly where, and when, they were from, but I thought it would be rude to ask. I mean, I'm a historian, so of course I'm aware that sexual mores vary wildly between cultures and time periods, but I've never encountered a culture where this much swinging was the norm. Yarm had mentioned 'ten or twelve thousand years ago', so the most likely answer was that they were pre-historic. Which would be the domain of anthropologists and archeologists, not historians.
Dawn came, and we all rose with it. Grandfather had slept in his spot by the fire, but shook himself up as the rest of the stone hut stirred around him. Brekka pulled her hand out of my pants and used a bowl of water to clean them before she waddled over to the fire and began to build it up.
"I'll fry some eggs," she said. She blew the embers into a flame, then piled some sticks around it. She took a flat stone and set it on the hearth, one end over the flames before straightening up.
"But first, I have to piss."
She walked outside. I sat up and fixed my pants, which were sticky and clinging to my groin. Ugh. I thought about rinsing them out, but we would be leaving soon, and I'd rather wear sticky pants than wet pants.
Yarm got up, leaving the children to sleep in. I noticed that Grandfather had a couple of eyestalks up. He hadn't moved except for them, but he was awake.
Yarm reached into a pile of skins in one corner and grabbed a gourd that had been made into a jug. He pulled the stopper and took a drink, then handed it to me. I sniffed at it, wincing at the potent smell of alcohol, but then took a long pull. It tasted like a mid-range whiskey, to be honest. It wasn't bad at all.
"This is pretty good," I said. Yarm grinned.
"I know. Brekka doesn't like me making it, but I always have some going out in the woods. Way stronger than mead. I'm glad you like it, but take another drink, quickly, before she comes back. I have to hide it."
I took another drink, then handed it back. Yarm took another for himself, then stuffed it back under the skins. He glanced at Grandfather. "Don't tell my wife," he whispered. One of his eyestalks dipped, as if in acknowledgement or agreement. A second later, Brekka walked back in, now naked.
"I got my breeches wet," she grumbled, tossing them onto a small table and then digging into the pile. Yarm cringed and winced, but she produced a pair of breeches and pulled them on, never finding the gourd. She didn't bother with a shirt, which seemed to suit both Yarm and I just fine.
She really had great tits.
She produced a couple of eggs and carefully cracked them onto the flat stone, which had heated up during her bathroom break. Using a stick, she kept the eggs from running off the edge, moving them to a large bark tray when they were done.
The kids rose and joined us. We must have gone through a dozen eggs, washed down with watered-down mead. Grandfather was offered some, but just as with the stew, he didn't take it. He merely watched us with his many eyes.
Finally, it was time to go. I said goodbye to the kids (Eddis and Yarm Junior, which was kind of funny, because, well, Juniors are always a little funny to me) and then to Brekka, who insisted on a butt-cheek squeezing hug. And then we left.
Grandfather stirred and rushed out the door, then waited for Yarm and I.
----
The three of us walked for the whole day. Well, Yarm and I walked. Grandfather kind of... Well, it was mostly a boil, but there was some shamble mixed in, a little flow and just a hint of a trundle. I found it interesting how dark the smoke surrounding his middle was. It was pitch black. Tendrils floated out, looking almost like shadows of the legs, tentacles and eyestalks and... Mouthstalks. Even in the bright sunlight, I simply could not see the place where his limbs came together.
Yarm had a bag with some jerky, nuts and berries, and a pair of gourds in it. One had his 'secret' brew, and the other contained mead. We stopped around noon and ate. Grandfather once again refused to join us. I was pretty sure he ate. I mean, he had a lot of mouths, and they were full of teeth. I got my answer when he took off a few minutes after we stopped, heading off into the woods. A good half an hour later, as we were getting ready to leave again, he returned, a couple of his mouth-topped tentacles smeared with blood.
Yarm led us to a pass through the mountains. On the other side, we found a an expanse of rolling hills, scattered with copses of pines. In the distance, I could see a medieval city.
"Is that where we're going?"
"What?" Yarm asked, fixing me with wide eyes. "I was following you."
I balked. "I was following you!" I objected. Yarm laughed. "You're too easy, Jerry. I was kidding, I was following Grandfather. And I'm not sure where he's going. In any event, that city looks further than half a day's walk. I think we're heading somewhere nearer."
"Why are you so sure we're going to arrive wherever we're going in a day?" I asked.
"Because this is the spirit world. Every place in the spirit world is a day's walk from every other place. Regardless of size."
"That doesn't make any sense," I said.
"Almost like it was magic," Yarm quipped and I raised a hand to acknowledge the point.
----
As it turned out, the city had been our destination. And it turned out to be half a day's walk from where we'd spotted it, despite looking much further. We entered through an open gate in the curtain wall surrounding it, and moved among throngs of people going about their lives. Or afterlives, as it were. Everyone was oddly happy, cheerfully trading in a market square and necking on the myriad of loveseat-size benches scattered around. Bright pink-leaved cherry trees lines the cobblestone roads, with half-timbered buildings behind them. The whole place was rather idyllic, I had to admit.
As we moved further into the city, I spotted more and more necking couples. We passed a park, where a good five or six couples were in the act of fucking, most under a blanket, but some just out in the open. Nobody minded them, so I tried not to stare. It took an effort, especially when I noticed one enthusiastic young lady on top of a young man, with another young man at either end, happily thrusting away.
"Kathy!" I shouted, recognizing the blonde woman in a modern outfit among the medieval peasantry all around us. Kathy turned, smiling and waving as she spotted me, then freezing and staring as she spotted Grandfather. I jogged forward.
"Don't mind the eldritch monstrosity, he's friendly. Like a dog, almost. He's called Grandfather, apparently. I think he's like, a guard dog of the happy afterlives or something."
"Oh, wow," she said. She hugged me, looking over my shoulder at Grandfather. "Where've you been? And who's the big guy?"
"That's Yarm. He uh, knows me, somehow. I don't know how. But he's been very gracious."
She let go and stuck a hand out at Yarm, who took it and gently kissed the back. Kathy blushed.
"Kathy," she said. "And a big fan of big men with good manners."
"Yarm," Yarm replied. "And a big fan of pretty women with straw-colored hair." He ended with a wink and a gentle caress of one lock of her hair that set Kathy to tittering.
"Do you know where the others are?" I asked before they could pick a bench and start making out.
"I found Aaina... Your daughter, right?"
"Something like that," I said. "Where is she?"
"Inside this shop. We figured it would be best to stay in one spot until the others found us, and she wanted to kill some time. Somebody gave us a bunch of coins, look." She showed me a leather bag, opening it to reveal a stack of gold or copper coins. "He said a quick glimpse at our beauty was worth a fortune and that he was sorry he only had a pittance, then just gave each of us one of these."
"That was generous of him," I said, surprised at the tale.
"Oh yeah, that's a common custom around here," Yarm said. I glanced at him just in time for a cute young lady in a rather revealing robe to run up and hand him a similar bag.
"I could watch you sit around and mope for a month and never get bored," she said, her cheeks burning as she giggled and ran away. Yarm tossed the bag and caught it, then gave me a wink.
I gave him a stink eye in return. I already knew I wouldn't be getting any bags of coins. Stupid pretty people. Stupid afterlife full of pretty people celebrating how pretty they were.
"Come on, I have no idea what they're selling, but she's been inside for an hour, so it must be something good," Kathy said. I nodded and we went inside.
It was dildos.
All kinds of dildos. Wooden dildos, stone dildos, metal dildos, even something that looked and felt (yes, I checked, get over it) like silicone. There were big dildos and small dildos. Red dildos and purple dildos and lime green dildos. There were all kinds of shapes. Horse dildos and dog dildos and human dildos and tentacles of all sorts. There were fists and forearms, feet and calves and heads and torsos (a little smaller than life-size, but not enough to make me feel any better about them). There were double-ended dildos and triple pronged dildos and even barbed and sharpened dildos.
"It's a fucking dildo shop."
"Dude," Kathy corrected as we gazed around in amazement. "It's the dildo shop. No wonder she's been in here so long. Oh, hey, there you are, you get lost?" She walked down an aisle, where I could see Aaina eyeing a rack of improbably-large polished-wood phalluses.
"No, just taking my time. It gets lonely up on that mountaaaaaAAAIIN- Hi, Dad!" Her cheeks flushed with color as she spotted me.
"We're done, let's go," she said, grabbing Kathy's hand and heading for the door. Kathy pulled away. "No way, dude, I just got here. I need a minute."
Aaina walked up to me, still blushing. "Hi," she said again.
"It's okay," I told her. "You don't have to leave on my account. Besides, I guess we're just waiting for the others. Grandfather seems content to do so." I turned back, but the creature was nowhere to be seen. I opened the door behind me and looked both ways up and down the street, but could see no sign of him.
"Huh," I said.
"Yeah, he does that a lot," Yarm agreed. "He shows up, does his thing and then vanishes."
Kathy was busy perusing a rack of silicon-looking, realistic dildos, organized by size. She held up a foot long one and looked at Yarm. "What do you say, big guy? This about where you're at?"
Yarm laughed. "If it was, I'd likely still be virgin. Anyone who saw it would run screaming."
She picked one up about ten inches long, which was where I was at since Sarisa's gift so many years ago. "How about now?"
"Brekka might be willing to do it, but she's the only one. My first wife, Russ, never would have gone for it. Let alone anyone before I got hitched." I quirked an eyebrow. Kathy picked up an eight-incher.
"There you go," Yarm said. I smirked to myself, feeling pretty good at the moment.
"Eww," Aaina said, noticing my reaction and probably figuring out the source. "Can we go?"
"Fine, fine," I said. "We'll be outside," I called to Kathy. "Take your time."
----
The sun set while we waited, but the activity on the street didn't slow down. It did change, however. The vendors selling cloth and trinkets and jewelry and other stuff packed up, to be replaced by other vendors selling food and more sex toys.
"This is a weird afterlife," I said.
Yarm shrugged. "Fun place to party, though. Everybody's always horny and happy and ready to go."
Sarisa wandered onto the street and into view an hour after sunset. I stood and rushed over. The way her face brightened when she saw me lit up the whole street, and the feel of her body against mine as we embraced was like a warm bed on a winter's night.
"Oh, I'm so glad I found you," she said. "I ended up in Eschatos, which is like a zombie apocalypse afterlife, excepts there's monsters. I had to save a group from the Stone Man, which is a monster nobody wants to tangle with."
"Are you okay?" I asked. She laughed. "Of course, I'm a goddess again. I made sure his next ten seconds will last a year for the rest of us."
I squeezed her tightly again, and noticed she was rather lumpy.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Oh, a couple people paid me compliments and gave me money. Right here in town! I think it's one of Inanna's afterlives? Or maybe Ishantee's... I'm not sure, it's been a while." She dug out four bags of coin from where she'd stowed them, down her shirt.
Yarm and the girls had each gotten second bags while we were waiting. Actually, Yarm had gotten a third, but he flagged down a tiny little redhead a few minutes later and passed one on to her.
"Four of them," I said, impressed. "I always knew you were the most beautiful girl in the world."
She flushed and smiled and we shared a kiss.
Inanna showed up half an hour after Sarisa. She had a half a dozen bags of coins, and was predictably smug about it. She greeted each of us in turn, then took a moment to brag to Sarisa about her two extra bags. Sarisa was gracious as always, though when a younger lady stopped to give her a fifth bag and compliment her ass, she grinned a little too savagely at Inanna. Inanna didn't care, though. She got a seventh right after, and straight up stuck her tongue out at Sarisa.
We decided after Inanna's latest bag of coins that it would probably be best to take off. None of us really expected Gary to show. We gathered our bags of coins and began heading down the street, when I saw a familiar burly figure heading towards us.
"Holy shit," I drawled as the crowds parted. Gary saw us and grinned liked we were all old friends. He held up his arms, which were piled high with bags of coins. There had to be at least ten or twelve bags there.
"Hey Y'all! Lookit this! People just keep givin' 'em to me!"
"Oh, that's just bullshit!" Inanna cried, throwing her hands up. "Complete and utter bullshit! Come on!"
We all laughed at her outrage (except her, of course, and I, because I was feeling a little too left out), and then I felt a heavy arm drape around my shoulders and turned, expecting to see Yarm. Instead, I saw a smiling older man, clean-shaven, around fifty.
"You are the most delightfully nerdy looking man. Pretty as a twink, but with a maturity I can respect."
I felt a large hand give my butt a squeeze. "And an ass I could spend a whole night eating," he continued. Something that clinked dropped into my hand. The man let me go and walked off, blowing me a kiss over his shoulder.
I stared after him, aghast, holding the bag of coins in my hand.
The others just laughed even harder.
Part 31

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=d7wjWri1AqU
I discovered this tune by accident while looking up Tom's tune Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis. It seems to be relatively unknown, so I wanted to share it. I even transcribed the lyrics as best as I could. Feel free to make corrections if you notice any.
Lyrics:
Red suit…red hat.
What's a guy like you doing out here in the cold on Christmas Eve?
But I'm….
Well, I never talk to strangers, anyway.
Well, I ain't such a bad guy once you get to know me.
On the corner of 5th & Squire A one-legged midget begged for a dollar. At least there's a way for us To spend our Christmas Eve.
Somewhere they're singing peace on Earth Somewhere they're celebr’ ‘aby Jesus' birth. Here they're celebrating Christmas With two hookers and a midget playing pool.
And the Christmas tree's on fire And no one seems to care. It's a Tom Waits Christmas.
Whores, lies, and Napoleon; a dirty pizza box. My son of a bitches put eggnog with whisky on the rocks. A champagne fooled by a real friend. Real painful my sham friends.
Burned out lights hang from the bar. Christmas tree on the piano; an empty tip jar. The piano plays in the alley And he's trying to bum a smoke— But the telephone’s out of cigarettes.
And the Christmas tree’s on fire And no one seems to care (hah). It's a Tom Waits Christmas.
Santa Claus is drunk! In the ski room on Christmas Eve. He dropped his drawers and stuck out his fat ass. We all raised a glass.
Stop me if you've heard this one. There's a hooker on the suitcase next to Mr. Watson In the alley behind an old beat up ’55 As I step outside to wrap my lips around a smoke I bummed From Loretta, a former circus performer Who's now a one-handed prostitute Who gave a one-handjob to a dirty ventriloquist Who's dressed in a tuxedo With a red rose on the lapel And he's–and he's talking to his good friend Frank DeWalnuts About hi—his favorite monkey paw salad And, uh….
Now, tell me, do you think I'm really gonna fall for that old line?
If I may ask which line you're referring to, per se? I said a lotta stuff in there. Anyway, where was I?
Well, you'll see, with our fortune teller On the Fleetwood next to a paperboy With a broken back and a wooden leg Leaning up against a light post Next to a Lincoln full of Mexicans. And I never could stand that dog.
And the prostitute’s on fire, And no one seems to care. It's a Tom Waits, a Tom Waits, Tom Waits Christmas.
One two three, one two three, one….

42F married to 41M for 20 years. I ask because there are no libido issues and we have regular sex. The problem is that our sex life has basically turned into me performing sexual favors for him interspersed with intercourse here and there during which I feel like a human sex doll. I never give him what I call “Here, damn” or “shut up sex.” I try to make it good and not feel like it’s an inconvenience. The issue is that I don’t feel emotionally connected to him. And because of the dynamics of our relationship over the last 20 years, like me carrying the emotional, financial, intellectual load for our lives, never feeling very cared for or wanted, never feeling prioritized, etc., I just don’t feel a level of admiration and respect that I think I need to feel for him. He is a good guy and we come from a hyper religious background. This was very patriarchal and even cult like and basically made women feel like we had to be submissive robots and required nothing of the men. Like… I was earning 3x that of my husband and working 13 hour shifts but remember getting on my knees apologizing to him because the house was messy. Shit like that. I left that church probably 7 years ago because it became increasingly more cult-like and I have been on a journey of healing and self discovery. I actually have PTSD and don’t do church at all anymore. But my husband is a church official in an arguably MUCH better church, but still has some of those entrenched ideals. But anyway, since leaving we’ve started living kind of “parallel” since his life revolves around church and I’ve been doing my own thing which has made it clear that we have nothing in common and that I’ve asked next to nothing of him and have gotten less. And that is very much reflected in the sex. We have always lacked passion and I am an INTENSELY passionate person (Scorpio ♏️🦂) and so sex with him does not arouse me. We probably have a 20:1 orgasm deficit. I think he’s made me cum once in 2023. But I’ll take partial blame for this. I rarely allow him to perform oral because I am NEVER aroused and he doesn’t really do anything to arouse me. We never make out. I will mostly lick and bite at his neck and chest because that turns him on and I proceed to give him really good head or sensual, edging, handjobs. When we do have sex, he usually just grabs the lube and enters me then spends that time just pumping and trying not to cum. He knows I’m a sensual person, even kinky. He likes to call me “a freak.” But I assure you he is not losing any sleep over my lack of orgasms. He has said that he thinks pleasing him is fulfilling for me and he’s not wrong on some level. I am a pleaser and that’s what I’ve resigned myself to on some level since I don’t want a divorce (teenage sons at home). In the meantime, I handle my own orgasms with an assortment of toys when I’m home alone (he believes masturbation is a sin). But I CRAVE connected sex and … I don’t know… effort. But I don’t know if I believe I can get it or even want it from him.
Lastly, I’m in therapy. Couples therapy is on the table, but I’m working with my therapist first to figure out exactly what I want, especially as my children approach adulthood. And yes:.:. I have talked to my husband AT LENGTH about these things and it just doesn’t seem to stick. I feel pretty lonely and Depressed and like I’ve been married my whole life but have missed out on an actual romantic relationship and i want that so badly.

42F married to 41M for 20 years. I ask because there are no libido issues and we have regular sex. The problem is that our sex life has basically turned into me performing sexual favors for him interspersed with intercourse here and there during which I feel like a human sex doll. I never give him what I call “Here, damn” or “shut up sex.” I try to make it good and not feel like it’s an inconvenience. The issue is that I don’t feel emotionally connected to him. And because of the dynamics of our relationship over the last 20 years, like me carrying the emotional, financial, intellectual load for our lives, never feeling very cared for or wanted, never feeling prioritized, etc., I just don’t feel a level of admiration and respect that I think I need to feel for him. He is a good guy and we come from a hyper religious background. This was very patriarchal and even cult like and basically made women feel like we had to be submissive robots and required nothing of the men. Like… I was earning 3x that of my husband and working 13 hour shifts but remember getting on my knees apologizing to him because the house was messy. Shit like that. I left that church probably 7 years ago because it became increasingly more cult-like and I have been on a journey of healing and self discovery. I actually have PTSD and don’t do church at all anymore. But my husband is a church official in an arguably MUCH better church, but still has some of those entrenched ideals. But anyway, since leaving we’ve started living kind of “parallel” since his life revolves around church and I’ve been doing my own thing which has made it clear that we have nothing in common and that I’ve asked next to nothing of him and have gotten less. And that is very much reflected in the sex. We have always lacked passion and I am an INTENSELY passionate person (Scorpio ♏️🦂) and so sex with him does not arouse me. We probably have a 20:1 orgasm deficit. I think he’s made me cum once in 2023. But I’ll take partial blame for this. I rarely allow him to perform oral because I am NEVER aroused and he doesn’t really do anything to arouse me. We never make out. I will mostly lick and bite at his neck and chest because that turns him on and I proceed to give him really good head or sensual, edging, handjobs. When we do have sex, he usually just grabs the lube and enters me then spends that time just pumping and trying not to cum. He knows I’m a sensual person, even kinky. He likes to call me “a freak.” But I assure you he is not losing any sleep over my lack of orgasms. He has said that he thinks pleasing him is fulfilling for me and he’s not wrong on some level. I am a pleaser and that’s what I’ve resigned myself to on some level since I don’t want a divorce (teenage sons at home). In the meantime, I handle my own orgasms with an assortment of toys when I’m home alone (he believes masturbation is a sin). But I CRAVE connected sex and … I don’t know… effort. But I don’t know if I believe I can get it or even want it from him.
Lastly, I’m in therapy. Couples therapy is on the table, but I’m working with my therapist first to figure out exactly what I want, especially as my children approach adulthood. And yes:.:. I have talked to my husband AT LENGTH about these things and it just doesn’t seem to stick. I feel pretty lonely and Depressed and like I’ve been married my whole life but have missed out on an actual romantic relationship and i want that so badly.