Hi all,
I'm hoping my Baltimore city loc'd girlies can help me out. I've tried a spot, while it was okay, not exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a salon that: -priotizes hair health first. Doesn't do retwists or styles that are too tight. Ideally uses quality ingredients -Uses lint free towels!! I can't believe this loc place I tried was just using regular ass towels and left my hair with so much lint! I feel like this should be a given at this point
Honestly, that's really it, other than doing a good job with the hair of course. Any recommendations?

So first up dresses like pretty dresses, poofy dresses, sexy dresses I want nice dresses
I do prefer anime style but I am fine with any
Heels, if there are heels that hell yeah
Some sort of make-up
Long hair quite a few of my characters have long hair and ponytails pigtails, side ponytail, and just straight down
Obviously it doesn’t have to be all of these things into one picrew it can be all different ones, but with at least one of these or multiple

“Pick one of the weapons inside, and you'll be a warrior." Guardmaster Harian stood with his thick arms folded over the embroidered livery on his tabard. “Pick your feet up and put’em down, boy.” He was frowning at Broin Ven’Maerl, the candlemaker’s son. “I’ve no time for dawdling.”
“Yessir.”
Paidrag leaned out from his position last in line and watched Broin duck a halfhearted cuff from the Guardmaster and hurry through the armory door. A moment later, he called out to the Guardmaster, his voice muffled by the stone wall.
“Something’s holding this sword, sir. Won’t budge.”
Guardmaster Harian tilted his face to the ceiling and heaved a great sigh. “If you can not lift the blade, it is not for you. Choose another.”
Sullen silence followed, and a few minutes later, Broin emerged from the armory holding a polished steel Warhammer. Guardmaster Harian stopped him with an outstretched hand, examined the weapon, looked the boy over, grunted, and motioned for Broin to keep moving. “Report to the Proving Ground.”
Paidrag watched the other three boys in front of him all enter the armory one after another and emerge with their chosen weapons held awkwardly in hands lacking the callouses to wield them. They were grinning proudly. And why shouldn’t they? The Guardmaster went through the same ritual with these three as he had with Broin, inspecting their weapons and looking them over, his face impassive. He then waved them away. “Get you to the Proving Ground.”
There was one boy left in front of Paidrag—the shoemaker’s son. Harian called the lad forward, and Paidrag’s mind turned inward.
Which weapon would he choose when it was his turn? Not a bow; that was not the warrior way. Last year, his brother picked a fine-looking blade of folded steel honed on both sides to a razor edge with a leather-wrapped hilt and cross guard fashioned to resemble two claws. Paidrag had tried Jarrod’s blade, but it felt awkward and unwieldy in his hand; a sword was not the weapon for him. What then? He was a fair hand with a quarterstaff, more than fair; he’d won the games earlier this year in the weapons category. Youngest to ever take the top spot in Keep history.
“Come on, boy,” Guardmaster Harian’s deep growl broke into Paidrag’s thoughts. His great red beard bobbed as he spoke. “Haven’t got all night for you to stand there like a simpleton. Wife has supper waiting, and I need to get to it. Move.”
Paidrag felt his cheeks flush and heard snickers from the nobles and wealthy merchants gathered within the Keep’s armory to witness the once-a-year Quendling when each boy from the lower villages would choose his weapon and become a man, a warrior in training.
He swallowed and stepped forward, looking at the arrogant faces of men dressed in silks and satins worth more than he’d earn in a lifetime. But they didn’t matter. His heart pounded. Sweat beaded his brow. This was his moment.
He stepped through the door.
Inside, shelf after empty shelf covered the stone walls. Footprints made crazed patterns in the dust on the floor, and the only weapons in sight rested on an ornate emberwood rack traced in ivory and gold.
Seeing nothing else, he shuffled over to the rack and felt his eyes drawn past an exquisitely crafted sword with a jeweled handle, past a handsome spear carved to look like a red dragon, to a weapon the likes of which he’d never seen before. He reached out with a trembling hand and laid a finger on the long handle, polished until it gleamed warmly in the torchlight. It looked like a quarterstaff, carved with mighty griffons in silver and boasting leather to strengthen his grip. But this was no ordinary quarterstaff. A foot of fine steel glinted from one end, a blade slightly curved and engraved with fancy scrollwork. A blade that, when he touched it, left a hair-fine line of red weeping from his thumb.
Paidrag yelped and yanked his thumb away, lifting the cut to his lips, his brows rising at such a sharp edge. Then he grinned.
He lifted it from the rack with trembling hands and gave it a gentle spin, slow and careful at first but putting on speed as he went until it whirred in a blur through the air. He worked the bladed staff around the back and over his head, made a figure eight in front of him, grinning in surprise at how perfectly balanced it was, like no steel graced the end.
The staff whirled to a rest at his side, the blade pointed at the ceiling. An odd feeling came over him just then, warm and brotherly, a sense of acceptance. Almost as if the weapon itself approved of him. He shook it off and made his way out of the armory.
Guardmaster Harian’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when he caught sight of the bladed staff resting on Paidrag’s shoulder. He recovered quickly.
“Hold there, lad,” the Guardmaster said, moving forward and extending a muscled arm to bar Paidrag’s way. “Auscheral chose you?”
Paidrag stopped. He glanced at his new staff. “You mean this?” he said, gesturing at the weapon.
“Aye.” Harian eyed the bladed staff with a mixture of reverence and surprise. “Weapons forged of magic have a mind of their own. They choose the hand to wield them. None have bonded in all the years I’ve been a guard here, nor in the days of my father and his father before him. That's why Broin couldn't lift the sword.”
Paidrag felt a stir of fear in his gut. Why was everyone so quiet? Why were they staring at him? He recognized the look staining their faces. Fear.
In Paidrag’s experience it wasn’t good to make men with title afraid.
“Fetch him to the Sage,” he heard someone say. And the next hour was a whirlwind of faces, questions and hands shoving him down winding corridors deep into the Keep and to a room lit by a single candlestick on a polished desk. Books filled the shelves built into the walls from the floor to the ceiling save where a stone hearth glowed red with sputtering embers. An old man sat there swaddled in deep purple robes with a ring of fine wispy white hair on the back of his head. His face was beyond ancient, spotted, deeply lined and paper thin, but his eyes reflected the candle’s fire and showed the vitality of the spirit within.
The Sage peered at him with those fathomless eyes. “Sit,” he said, and Paidrag found himself sitting in a rather uncomfortable wooden chair on his side of the desk but didn’t recall actually moving. He suppressed a yawn with the back of his hand. His eyes felt itchy.
“Yes,” the Sage said, taking Paidrag’s chin in skeletal fingers and looking into his eyes. “There is power here, a well vast and deep, but your future is uncertain.” His bushy white brows drew together. “Clouded. I cannot see the infinite lattice of your destiny. Yet, power churns around you like a sea in a storm.”
The Sage released his chin and sat back, regarding him with an unreadable expression. Paidrag didn’t like this conversation almost as much as he disliked the two hulking guards posted to either side of the chamber’s door.
The old man stirred from his thoughts. He drew out his pipe, stuffed the bowl with tabac, muttered a word Paidrag did not understand and it burst alight. “Such potential,” the Sage muttered in a voice soft as silk. “Could it be? After all these years…”
The Sage fell silent, puffing on his pipe and staring at Paidrag until the boy fidgeted in his seat. Then, the old man’s eyes refocused, sharp as dagger points. He leaned forward and spoke through the coiling smoke.
“Who are you?”
Paidrag opened his mouth to answer but the Sage cut him short.
“They fear you, fear what it means that a weapon chose you.” His eyes glittered with mischief. “They are right to fear.”

I have Asian fine straight hair that I usually style with a blow dryer into a 60:40 part that I usually brush all back.
I’ll be on a month long vacation and I won’t always have access to a blow dryer.
Does anyone have advice on how I could somehow achieve this without heat?
Also, Other than hats, is there anything else can I use to keep the hair out of my face and look decent when I’m out?

I'm (32M) wanting to up my style game a bit (clothes, hair, general look, etc). Curious if anyone has any suggestions/leads on hiring a professional personal stylist. Hopefully not too crazy expensive.

At the world’s top college of magic and technology, every day brings a new discovery -and a new disaster. The advanced experiments of the college students tend to be both ambitious and apocalyptic, with the end of the world only prevented by a mysterious time loop, and a small handful of students who retain their memories.
Surviving the loops was hard enough, but now, in his senior year, Vell Harlan must take charge of them, and deal with the fact that the whole world now knows his secrets. Everyone knows about Vell’s death and resurrection, along with the divine game he is a part of. Now Vell must contend with overly curious scientists and evil billionaires hungry for divine power while the daily doomsday cycle bombards him with terrorists, talking elephants, and the Grim Reaper himself -but if he can endure it all, the Last Goddess’s game promises the ultimate prize: power over life itself.
[Previous Chapter][Patreon][Cover Art]
“Should I be worried?”
Why would you be worried?” Kim said. “Dean Lichman loves us.”
Dean Lichman had asked the two of them to stop by his office, though his brief message had not said what for. That left Vell to concoct nightmare scenarios in his head.
“He doesn’t love all of us.”
“Alex doesn’t count as ‘us’,” Kim said. She was a looper in purely a technical sense, mostly due to her own refusal to be a team player. “Besides, she’s been behaving lately. She’s only been an asshole, not an active liability.”
“That we know of.”
“If we don’t know about it, Dean probably doesn’t either,” Kim said. “It’s fine, Vell, he probably just wants to ask us for advice or deal with some problem he has.”
“That’s not much better,” Vell said. “How weird would things have to be that the Dean is asking us for help personally?”
“Only one way to find out,” Kim said. She gestured to the door to the Dean’s office.
Kim entered first, and found it in much the same state as it always was. The desk piled high with paperwork, a small bowl of assorted candies shoved into the corner of the desk, and Dean Lichman behind it, frantically tapping away on a laptop. Vell had not been in this office for several years, and it was vastly different than the last time he’d been here.
“Ah, there you are, come in, have a seat,” Dean Lichman said. “Unless you’d rather we have our conversation elsewhere, Vell.”
“Why would I want that?”
“Well, it’s my understanding you haven’t been in this office since my, uh, predecessor,” Dean Lichman said.
“Oh, right, the kidnapping,” Vell said. “No, I’m good, I don’t really get traumatized by things anymore.”
Vell had been killed too many different ways in too many different places to have a functional trauma response. A few days ago he’d gotten his legs chewed off by a vending machine, and still stopped by it to pick up a soda on his way to the office.
“That’s a very concerning response, Mr. Harlan.”
“Yeah. Anyway, what did you need?”
Dean Lichman gestured for the duo to take a seat, and both did so. He folded desiccated hands in front of himself before beginning to speak.
“I would like to ask you two to take a look at an experiment that will be occurring later this week,” Dean Lichman said. “I don’t have any reason to believe it poses a threat, but I would like to be assured it is a safe and ethical environment, and, well, you two have a knack for identifying trouble spots.”
“You could say that,” Kim said. It was more accurate to say that trouble had a way of identifying them -and then leaping at them and ripping their heads off.
“I’d appreciate it if the two of you could simply examine the laboratory and give it your approval, or disapproval, as the case may be,” Dean Lichman said. “Though if you’re too busy, I fully understand.”
“If you don’t think this is dangerous, why are you asking for our help anyway?”
“Simply for my own peace of mind, frankly,” Dean Lichman said. “The school’s policies on animal experimentation are...satisfactory, I suppose, but I do want to take extra precautions when the subject is a creature as smart as an elephant.”
“An elephant?”
“Yes, a resident of a reserve in Thailand,” Dean Lichman said. “An older elephant by the name of Mae Noi. She has cancer, apparently, and she is submitting to experimental treatment in the hopes it will be useful for younger elephants.”
Kim’s digital face briefly flashed with a facial expression of concerned skepticism.
“‘She’ is submitting to treatment? As in the elephant?”
“Yes. Apparently the elephant can talk,” Dean Lichman said. “No, I don’t know how it works, they said it was ‘more impressive in person’.”
“Well now I kind of want to go just to see the talking elephant,” Vell said.
“Same.”
“Well, do try to take a few glances at the experiment’s safety while you’re there,” Dean Lichman said.
“Sounds like a plan,” Vell said. “Thanks for the heads up.”
“I’ll be there too,” Kim said.
“Excellent. Thank you both, and I’ll try not to take up too much of your time,” the Dean said. He then bid them both a polite goodbye and returned to his mountains of paperwork. Vell took a step out of the office and then took a sip from the soda he’d recently retrieved from the evil vending machine.
“So, what do you think?”
“I think I really do want to see the talking elephant,” Kim said.
“Obviously, yeah, we all want to see the talking elephant,” Vell said. “I mean the whole situation. You think the elephant thing is going to be the daily apocalypse for that day?”
“Well, on the one hand, an elephant seems like the kind of thing that would kill us,” Kim said. “But on the other, I feel like the fact we have advance warning means it’s not going to happen.”
“True. The universe probably wouldn’t make it that easy for us.”
“Yeah, but the elephant thing still feels pretty threatening,” Kim said. “Only way to find out is to wait a few days, I guess.”
A FEW DAYS LATER
“Hello you two,” Dean Lichman said. “And Hawke.”
“Hey,” Hawke said.
“He also wanted to see the talking elephant,” Kim explained.
“Well, that’s not a problem, it was an open invitation,” Dean Lichman said.
“Thanks. Still, sorry for not saying I was going to show up in advance,” Hawke said. “It took me a long time to make up my mind whether I was more interested in or afraid of a talking elephant.”
“They are rather large, aren’t they? I suppose that could be intimidating.”
“I’m okay with elephants on their own, it’s the talking part that doesn’t sit right with me,” Hawke said. “What if the elephant doesn’t like me? What if I’m the first person to ever get insulted by an elephant?”
“You’re less afraid of getting trampled by an elephant than insulted by one?”
“I’m a little afraid of trampling, but elephants are chill,” Hawke explained. “They wouldn’t attack unless provoked. I kind of feel like one might call me a dipshit unprovoked, though.”
“You have oddly specifics fears, Mr. Hughes,” Dean Lichman said.
“Yeah.”
In spite of those fears, Hawke happily stepped through the door to the zoology lab. It did not take a long time to locate the elephant in the room, as it was a literal elephant. The towering pachyderm was in a makeshift pen in the center of the lab, with an ample supply of food and a strange pedestal in front of her.
“Dr. Chanthara,” Dean Lichman said, with a polite wave to one of the researchers in the room. “Good to see you. These are the students I told you about.”
“Hm. Nice to meet you,” Dr. Chanthara said. He was, perhaps not unreasonably, skeptical of why three seemingly random students were in charge of a safety inspection. The fact that one of the three was a robot made him even more skeptical.
“Hi, nice to meet you too, and, uh, don’t mind us,” Vell said. “We just have an eye for weird things other people might miss.”
“Sure. I- wait. Aren’t you that kid who got chosen by a god?”
“Yeah, that’s me,” Vell said. “And her too, technically.”
Kim shrugged. She didn’t care for any extra attention on that point.
“Right,” Chanthara said. He was beginning to see why these students might know their stuff. “I suppose we should start by introducing you to Mae Noi. Say hello, Mae.”
The elephant shifted on her feet and poked her trunk at the wide pedestal in front of her twice.
“Hello. Friends,” a synthesized voice droned. Vell stepped a little closer to the pedestal, just enough to see that there were an array of buttons on the side facing Mae Noi.
“Oh, it’s kind of like a keyboard,” Vell said. He’d seen similar things used with dogs, though usually in a much simpler fashion. Mae Noi seemed to have a few dozen buttons at her disposal.
“Smart,” Mae Noi said, with another prod of her trunk.
“We initially put it into our sanctuary as a bit of a novelty, something elephants could choose to interact with,” Dr. Chanthara explained. “Mae Noi took to it a bit better than most. Especially once she found out she could use it to ask for food.”
“Food. Pumpkin. Pumpkin. Pumpkin.”
“No, Mae, no food until after experiment,” Dr. Chanthara scolded.
“Experiment,” Mae Niko said with a prod. “Pumpkin.”
“Yes, experiment then pumpkin,” Dr. Chanthara said.
“That’s not really a talking elephant, is it?” Hawke said.
“It’s more talking than most elephants,” Dr. Chanthara said.
“Elephant. Smart,” Mae Niko said. “Smart.”
“Yes, uh, right, elephant smart,” Hawke said. He took a step back, to avoid any further offense and any further risk of being insulted by Mae Noi.
“You’re very impressive, Mae, don’t mind him,” Kim said. “How many words does she know?”
“Our platform back home has around three hundred words, though she’s still learning some of them,” Dr. Chanthara said. “The ‘travel’ version we put together only has a hundred, just enough to make sure she can get her basic needs met and communicate about the experiment.”
“Right, speaking of, I do believe we should put some time into our reason for being here,” Dean Lichman interjected. “You’re welcome to stick around afterwards, at Dr. Chanthara and Mae Noi’s discretion, of course, but we should get underway.”
“We probably should get to business, yeah,” Kim said. She tapped the side of her metal head. “I’m going to scan the lab. Vell, you talk to the elephant and make sure everything’s above-board.”
“Abov- oh, right,” Vell said. “Sorry, not exactly used to being able to ask animals if they agree to animal experimentation.”
“Experiment,” Mae said.
“Yeah, experiment,” Vell said, as he turned to Mae. “So, Mae Noi, this experiment might hurt, do you know that?”
“Experiment. Hurt. Elephant,” Mae Noi prodded. “Experiment. Help. Elephant. Help. Baby.”
“Help baby?”
“Baby. Baby. Elephant. Sick. Baby. Sick.”
“We’ve explained the nature of her condition to Mae Noi as best we can,” Dr. Chanthara said. “She has several children, and is concerned they might be similarly affected.”
“Help. Baby,” Mae Noi said. “Experiment. Help.”
The way Mae Noi frantically tapped the buttons tugged at Vell’s heartstrings, but he choked those emotions down.
“So you want to do this experiment to help baby, got it,” Vell said. “Even if it hurts you?”
“Elephant. Old,” Mae Noi said. “Hurt. Okay. Help. Baby.”
“Huh. Well, that does sound like informed consent to me,” Vell said. “Passes ethical muster, at least.”
The campus rules allowed students to be experimented on, with their consent, so Vell saw no reason not to apply the same standard to an elephant.
“You speak up if you change your mind about the experiment, okay?”
“Stop. Stop. Stop,” Mae said, mashing the same button a few times. “Yes.”
“You got it. I’m going to go help my friends check things out,” Vell said. “Good talking to you, Mae.”
“Good. Talk. Friend,” Mae said. She waved goodbye with her trunk, and Vell waved back. He wandered away from Mae Noi’s pedestal and found Kim and Hawke carefully examining rows of beakers and various other supplies.
“Nothing sus yet, boss,” Hawke said.
“Nothing caustic, mutagenic, or explosive?”
“Well, something mutagenic, but it’s supposed to be,” Kim said. She had scanners built into her body much like those that had once been in Vell’s glasses, allowing her to analyze the complex chemical formulas at a glance. “They’re going for some gene editing similar to what we’ve tried to do on human cancer patients. Low success rate, but not harmful. Some adaptations to work on elephants, of course.”
“Run it by any of our chemistry and biology student friends yet?”
“A few,” Kim said. “Haven’t gotten anything back yet, though.”
“Maybe run it by Skye, too,” Vell said. “She’d recognize anything that’d mutate an animal.”
“She does love to mutate things,” Kim said.
“Benevolently,” Vell insisted. “Just show her. I’m going to check for any stray equipment.”
The presence of an unusually large test subject had resulted in the lab being rearranged and reshuffled, so Vell did a quick scan for any misplaced equipment that might pose a threat. He found, to his surprise, a tidy and well-organized environment, with any and all extraneous materials securely locked away. There wasn’t so much as a shrink ray out of place. Vell did another loop just to be sure, but returned to his friends empty-handed.
“This place has less safety hazards than my lab,” Vell said. Hawke stared at him for a while.
“Why does your lab have safety hazards?’
“I do runecarving, there’s like, hammers and chisels,” Vell said. “Those can hurt people.”
“Mm, true,” Hawke said. “So you really didn’t find anything?”
“Nothing,” Vell said. “This place is secure as I’ve ever seen a lab be.”
“It’s like I said,” Kim began. “We got an actual warning about it, so obviously nothing’s going to go wrong. That’d be too easy.”
“Maybe,” Vell said. “Things can get teleported in, or someone could cast a spell, or something.”
“Yeah, but that applies to anywhere, at any time,” Kim said.
“Kim’s right,” Hawke said. “I say we go business as usual.”
“I guess,” Vell said. “We have to branch out a little, at least. Can’t keep an eye on one room all day.”
The trio stopped sulking around the outskirts of the lab and returned to Dean Lichman and Dr. Chanthara.
“Everything looks good,” Kim said. “Probably the safest lab I’ve ever seen.”
“I’ll choose to take that as a compliment,” Dr. Chanthara said.
“We have very high safety standards here at the Einstein-Odinson,” Dean Lichman said, defensively. “Relatively speaking. Innovation requires some risk.”
“I understand perfectly. So does Mae.”
“Hurt. Okay,” Mae said.
“Not that okay,” Vell said. “Nice meeting you, Dr. Chanthara. You too, Mae.”
“Wait.”
Mae prodded one of the buttons on her pedestal and then pointed her trunk at the three of them. Hawke looked deeply concerned, but stepped forward alongside Vell and Kim. Mae Noi appraised them with massive brown eyes, and then moved her trunk back towards the pedestal. Vell noticed a distinctive scar on the bridge of her long nose just as Mae Noi pressed another button.
“Joke.”
“...Joke?”
Dr. Chanthara sighed and rolled his eyes.
“Just go along with it,” he said. “She likes to tell her joke.”
“Uh, okay,” Vell said. “Let’s hear it.”
“What. Elephant. Favorite. Part. Tree.”
“Umm...I don’t know, Mae,” Vell lied. He’d heard this joke from a kid, once. “What part?”
“Trunk,” Mae said. She gave a loud bray of amusement and then slammed her trunk down a few more times to emphasize the punchline. “Trunk. Trunk.”
“Oh, ha, I get it,” Kim said, hoping her feigned laugh was convincing. She’d never tried to lie to an elephant before. “Good one, Mae.”
Mae Noi shifted from side to side, looking pleased with herself, while the trio took a step back and stopped their feigned laughter.
“Did you give her buttons just to tell that joke with?”
“She gets upset,” Dr. Chanthara said. “I’m not even sure she understands the pun, she just likes people’s reactions.”
“As long as she’s having fun,” Hawke said.
“We’ll get out of your hair now,” Vell said. “Good luck with the experiment, feel free to let us know if you need a hand with anything.”
“I’ll keep it in mind,” Dr. Chanthara said. Some of his earlier skepticism seemed to have softened, but he did not seem entirely onboard with three strangers mucking about with his experiment. Vell and his friends left before they stretched what little goodwill they had any further. Mae Noi waved her trunk goodbye as the three left the lab and stepped back onto the quad.
“I’m going to try and sneak some classes in,” Hawke said. “Later.”
“I’ll check some of our usual hot spots,” Kim said, before she too left. Once again alone, Vell headed to one of his own classes, and called up Samson.
“Hey, Samson,” Vell began. “See anything interesting while we were playing with the elephant?”
“Well, I thought I clocked someone acting suspicious, but it turns out he was only sneaking around to go see his boyfriend,” Samson said. “Nothing apocalyptic, but I did get called a homophobe, which is pretty emotionally devastating.”
“I’m sure you’ll recover someday,” Vell said. “Keep an eye out. Usually the safer things look, the more dangerous things end up being.”
“Will do,” Samson said, before saying goodbye and hanging up.
***
Vell got increasingly nervous the longer the day went without its daily disaster. He thought about checking in on Mae Noi again, but then recalled Kim’s warning about it being too obvious, but then remembered that nobody had seen anything suspicious anywhere else, but then remember that Mae Noi’s lab had looked perfectly safe-
“Vell.”
“Huh?”
“You’re spiraling,” Kim said.
“I’m not spiraling, I’m just,” Vell said, with a pause for contemplation. “Considering multiple options.”
“In a spiral fashion,” Kim said. “Eat the damn french fries. Honestly, what’s the point of ordering so many if you’re just going to let them get cold?”
“It’s not like they’re going to go to waste,” Vell said. The same time loop that allowed him to eat massive amounts of french fries without fear of gaining weight also allowed him to avoid food waste. One of the upsides of life in a time loop.
“Just eat, Vell,” Kim said. “You worry too much about all this shit.”
“I’m in charge, it’s my job to worry about it,” Vell said.
“It’s your job to handle it,” Kim said. “There’s no point thinking about this shit before it happens, you spend all day thinking about an elephant and then the universe drops, like, a bat with tentacles on your head. Just deal with as it comes, Vell.”
Vell leaned on the table and managed to chomp down on a french fry or two.
“You know, next year, when I’m not running the show anymore, I’m going to call and see if you still think it’s that easy.”
“I sure hope so,” Kim said. “I’m saying all this shit trying to make myself believe it too.”
“Oh good, you’re lying to both of us,” Vell said. “That’s cool.”
“Fake it ‘til you make it, Vell, that’s how it goes,” Kim said. “Eat your damn french fries.”
Vell rolled his eyes and returned to his fries, which were now starting to cool. Thankfully he would not have to worry about finishing them. A loud crash from across campus interrupted him mid-bite and nearly made Vell choke on his fries. He painfully swallowed the half-chewed food and then looked over his shoulder.
“Son of a bitch, finally,” Vell said. A few years ago he’d found it weird whenever he was relieved about a disaster, but now he was just genuinely glad to get it over with. The waiting was as killer as the apocalypse. He tossed his fries in the trash and headed toward the sound of chaos, with Kim right behind him.
“Already told everybody?”
“Well, I may or may not have left Alex and Helena out of the loop…”
“Kim.”
“They’d find out anyway,” Kim said. “I got to use my brain parts to get in touch with them, even over wi-fi that shit feels dirty.”
“Just get in- stop.”
Vell held out his hand. Kim froze in place and did not move. Not intentionally, at least. There was a small amount of unintentional movement. The ground was vibrating.
“Always love a good earthquake,” Kim said.
“That’s not a quake,” Vell said. “That’s...footsteps!”
Vell grabbed Kim and dove out of the way just in time for something to barrel through the walls of the dining hall and stampede across the room. Tables, chairs, and more than a few students were crushed under the feet of a hulking, brown-furred behemoth as it charged. Kim picked herself and Vell up off the floor and tried to trail its progress.
“That’s a- oh fuck me,” Kim said. “Please don’t say you told me so.”
Vell got his bearings and looked across the room at the titanic form of a woolly mammoth. Though it was definitely recognizable as an archaic mammoth, the ancient creature was also heavily mutated, unnaturally large even by mammoth standards, and with multiple curled, jagged tusks protruding from a slobbering maw.
“Well that could be unrelated,” Vell said. “Mammoths can come from a lot of places, cloning accidents, time machines…”
The mammoth reached a wall, and rather than barreling through, turned around, facing directly towards Vell. A prominent scar covered the bridge of its broad trunk.
“Oh, nope, that’s definitely Mae,” Vell said. The scar was in the same place and at the same angle. Even a clone wouldn’t have an identical scar.
Once the revelation had struck, Mae took her turn. Vell found himself staring straight down the barrel of a very angry mammoth coming right at him at Vell-squishing velocity. Luckily he’d been charged at by a lot of creatures over four years of looping.
Vell jumped up and to the side, and latched on to one of the curled tusks, which made for very convenient handlebars. Kim did the same on the opposite side of Mae, and punched her in the head.
“Wait, wait, hold off on the violence for a second,” Vell shouted. He tried to wave at Kim to stop, but Mae was thrashing so violently he had to grip the tusks with both hands.
“Good plan,” Kim shouted. “Can you get Mae on board?”
Another set of tables got crushed underfoot. Thankfully the other students were out of trampling range by now, but Mae Noi’s feet were still coated in the blood of earlier victims.
“Mae’s smart, maybe we can calm her down,” Vell said. He then ducked to dodge a swat from Mae’s mutated trunk.
“Call me crazy, Vell, but I think this is more than just a bad mood,” Kim said, as she climbed up Mae’s seven jagged tusks like a ladder.
“We have to try,” Vell said. The loopers rule against hurting other intelligent life forms had some flexibility for blood-crazed mutants on violent rampages, but they had to at least try to reason first. Vell climbed up on of Mae’s tusks and looked into one of her bloodshot eyes for any sign of recognition. “Mae! It’s Vell, do you remember?”
The only response Vell got was an enraged trumpet, which he didn’t think was a “yes”.
“Come on, bud,” Vell said. “What’s an elephant’s favorite part of a tree, right? The trunk?”
The massive brown eye staring at Vell blinked, and he felt a brief glimmer of hope. He then felt a brief glimmer of his lungs being crushed as Mae swung her head and slammed her tusks into the wall, and Vell along with them. Kim punched Mae in the throat and then jumped across the tusks to grab Vell and carry him to safety.
“You okay, Vell?”
He opened his mouth to respond, and a pint or two of blood came out instead.
“Apparently not,” he mumbled. “I might be down a few ribs. And a lung. Or two.”
Kim carried Vell a safe distance from the fight and set him down on the ground, where he promptly spat out another mouthful of blood.
“Okay, uh, you just lie there and try to die peacefully, I guess,” Kim said.
“Way ahead of you.”
***
“Was that last bit as funny as I thought it was?” Vell asked. “I think the blood loss was affecting my sense of humor.”
“It was kind of hard to appreciate in the moment,” Kim said. “But as far as dying jokes go, it was pretty good.”
Vell and Kim walked into the lair for their morning meeting and joined the loopers that had already gathered.
“Okay, what’d I miss while I was dead?”
“Well, after Alex was done getting herself killed,” Samson began.
“You’re saying that as if it’s something to be ashamed of,” Alex said. “Vell also died.”
“Yeah, but he got killed trying to do something good. You got killed trying to do something stupid.”
“Trying to eliminate a threat is not stupid,” Alex said.
“We don’t kill intelligent creatures,” Hawke said. “Sometimes we punch them into a coma, but we don’t kill them.”
“When a dog bites, you put it down, I don’t see why the same principle doesn’t apply to a mammoth that’s crushed seventy people.”
“That wasn’t Mae’s fault,” Vell said. “She got mutated, or something. On that note: did you guys figure out what happened to Mae Noi?”
“Nothing,” Hawke said. “Looked like Mae smashed up the entire lab, trampled everyone involved in the experiment too. Nothing left to investigate, and nobody left alive to interrogate.”
“Typical,” Vell sighed. “At least we have an easy out. Dean Lichman was really concerned about the ethics of that whole experiment. We raise some kind of complaint, we could probably get the whole thing shut down.”
“The problem is getting the complaint,” Hawke said. “That lab was airtight, Vell.”
“Apparently not completely airtight,” Kim said. “I can camp out in the lab and raise an entirely justifiable stink whenever something capable of making a murder-mammoth shows up.”
“And what if it happens so suddenly you can’t complain about it?” Samson asked. “For all we know that could’ve been some kind of dimensional rift, or time anomaly, or something. It might not be as simple as somebody just putting in the wrong syringe at the wrong time.”
“He’s got a point,” Vell said. “We might want to shut this down before it gets there.”
“Seems like our best option is to plant evidence, then,” Alex said.
Everyone else at the table spent a few seconds brainstorming ways to prove her wrong, and much to their frustration, could not.
“Okay, fine,” Vell said. “But it needs to be something incidental, not something anyone would get blamed for. We want to cancel the experiment, not get anyone in trouble.”
“I could have a seizure on some sensitive equipment,” Helena offered. “It’ll break something and nobody would dare get mad at me.”
“Can you fake a seizure?”
“No, but I’m allergic to elephants, so I’d probably have one anyway the moment I stepped in the lab,” Helena said.
“I don’t feel entirely comfortable sending you into anaphylactic shock for a bit,” Vell said.
“Offer’s on the table,” Helena said. “I’ll live. Wouldn’t have made it through that trip to the zoo otherwise.”
“Anybody have any non-medical emergency suggestions?”
“Seagull in the air vents,” Kim said.
“Will that work?”
“It happens now and then,” Kim said. “Seagull gets in, and Dean has to close down the whole lab for potential material damage and biohazard risks if they shit in the vents.”
“Really? We’ve never had to deal with anything like that,” Hawke said.
“It may shock you to learn that sometimes minor, tedious bullshit happens that we have nothing to do with,” Kim said.
“That is kind of surprising, actually.”
“Enough. Kim, can you grab a seagull?” Vell asked. He shouldered his bookbag, and stuck a hand into the extradimensional pocket that existed within it. “I can probably smuggle it in with my bag.”
“Yeah, I can get you a seagull,” Kim said. Since she did not need to sleep, she had to find ways to keep herself entertained at night, seagull-grabbing being among them.
“Alright, we’ll go grab one and put it in the bag,” Vell said. “The rest of you, be ready to meet us when I call.”
***
Roughly three minutes later, Vell put out the call and they reconvened in front of the biology lab.
“Yeah, that was much faster than I thought it would be,” Vell said.
“I’m great at grabbin’ birds,” Kim said. Seagulls were among the easier birds to snatch, even. They were suckers for food, and many of them were attracted to her shiny metallic body anyway.
“Let’s just get this over with,” Vell said. “I want this thing out of my bag ASAP.”
Even though the seagull was safely within a pocket dimension, Vell would swear he could still feel the bird thrashing and squawking inside his bag. He tightened his grip on the shoulder strap and led the way towards the zoology lab entrance. He grabbed the handle and held it as he froze for a second.
“Vell, what’s up? Is this bird escaping?”
“No, the handle’s vibrating,” Vell said. It was shaking the same way a wall near an incredibly loud speaker might. He pressed his ear to the door and listened closely. He opened the door immediately, and let all his friends hear the frantic trumpeting of a panicked elephant.
Inside the lab, Mae Noi was stomping her feet and trumpeting as loud as he long trunk would allow. She swayed from side to side in her pen, bumping against the walls not quite hard enough to damage them, but hard enough that it was clear she was doing it on purpose.
“What the heck is happening here?”
“Ah, Vell,” Dean Lichman said. He hustled over to Vell’s side and gestured to the entire room. “Maybe you can figure out what’s going on.”
Mae Noi stopped braying long enough to start mashing her trunk against her pedestal, mashing out the word “Bad” over and over again.
“Our test subject, Mae Noi, has been throwing an absolute fit ever since she got here,” Dean Lichman said. “Dr. Chanthara, these are the students I was telling you about earlier.”
While Vell reintroduced himself to Dr. Chanthara, Kim and Hawke stepped up to examine Mae Noi and her enclosure. It was a far cry from the peaceful, orderly scene they had examined on the first loop. They were half an hour earlier this time than before, but Kim found it unlikely that they had been able to calm Mae Noi down, clean everything up, and get back to work in such a short amount of time. They hadn’t mentioned any of this panic on the first loop either. They were soon joined in their confusion by Chanthara and Vell.
“We’ve tried everything; food, water, her favorite toys, even videos of her children,” Dr. Chanthara said. “We’ve even offered to call off the experiment, but she won’t listen.”
“She is an animal,” Alex said. “Sometimes they do things arbitrarily.”
“Not Mae,” Dr. Chanthara said. “Some of our sanctuaries residents from traumatic backgrounds can have outbursts, but Mae was injured in the wild. She’s never been like this.”
“Maybe some experiment on the island is upsetting her,” Vell said. “A sonic experiment only she can hear, or something…”
Vell stopped and thought about it. If there had been such an irritant, it would’ve been there on the first loop too. Everything always repeated exactly the same, except for-
“Could you, uh, take a step back for a second?” Vell mumbled. “I want to try talking to her.”
“Don’t get close,” Chanthara warned him.
“I’m not, I’m not,” Vell said. He didn’t need to get very close to tell a joke.
The massive brown eyes of Mae Noi stayed locked on Vell as he approached, and she continued to mash the “Bad” button on her pedestal.
“I know, I know, bad,” Vell said. “But, uh, do you want to hear a joke?”
Mae Noi stopped. She locked eyes with Vell for a few seconds, and then cautiously tapped a button on her pedestal.
“Joke.”
“Right, joke,” Vell said. He tried to recall the exact sequence of words Mae had used on the first loop. “What elephant favorite part tree?”
Mae didn’t blink.
“Trunk,” Vell said.
After a moment of contemplation, Mae Noi let out one final, fervent, trumpet, and then started mashing buttons on her pedestal again.
“Bad. Help. Help. Experiment. Bad. Help. Bad. Help.”
“Yeah, bad help, one second,” Vell said. He turned away from Mae Noi to look at Dean Lichman. “Hey, uh, excuse me, Dean? Hey, uh, if I remember correctly there are some pretty complicated rules on having intelligent animals on campus, yes?”
“Well, yes,” Dean Lichman said. After hearing of some questionable ethical practices involving an octopus back in first year, he had instituted a few clauses into the school’s ethical code of conduct regarding intelligent animals like elephants, octopuses, and dolphins. “Mae’s presence here is a bit of an outlier, but there were workaround, given her apparent consent to the experiment.”
“Yeah, about that, is she, uh,” Vell began. “Is she registered as a student?”
“Yes.”
Vell pursed his lips. It took a few seconds for his friends to catch on.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Samson snapped. He turned his back on the crowd and leaned against a wall while Hawke put his head in his hands.
“The first rule of looping,” Alex said quietly. “Loopers are randomly selected-”
She looked up and locked eyes with Mae Noi.
“From all registered students.”

First / Patreon (Read 5 Chapters Ahead)

AKA: Ain’t Nothing but a Horndog
–
Private Owens let out another tired sigh as he sat there, his head held in his hands. After the incident with Petra, he’d been forcibly confined to his room, pending further disciplinary action. It didn’t take a genius to figure out exactly how he was going to be disciplined; at best, he figured he’d be getting a court martial. At worst, they’d probably just throw him out the airlock or something.
Harsh, to be sure, but if he’d actually succeeded in inadvertently costing humanity their spot as a central player on the galactic stage, then no punishment was truly out of the question. Hell, Major Barnes had talked about having him drawn and quartered, and if he truly had fucked up that monumentally bad, then it wasn’t even out of the question.
“Way to go, idiot…” Owens muttered to himself. “All this because you couldn’t stay away from the booze or keep it in your pants for a night…”
He let out yet another sigh of despondency, bringing a hand up to brush through his auburn-colored hair. He’d just had it cut short, which was a good thing, because it meant that he’d actually look presentable at his soon-to-be funeral.
Assuming Major Barnes let him keep his head, of course.
Just as that thought crossed his mind, the door to his quarters opened. Owens looked up, and was not surprised to see Major Barnes and Captain Johnson standing there. Somehow, they looked even more imposing than usual, which was odd given that Major Barnes was from Texas and built like the bulls he used to ride, while Captain Johnson was a former MMA fighter.
That was to say that if there were any two people the higher-ups would have sent to beat him to death with their bare hands, it’d be these two, to say nothing of the fact that they’d probably outright requested it given what he’d done.
Assuming they weren’t about to lead him to Captain Ulfur or something, of course. Couldn’t exactly discount that as a possibility, either.
“Alright, on your feet,” Major Barnes announced.
Private Owens blinked. “Sir?”
“I said, on your feet. Are you going to make me repeat myself again?”
“N-no, Sir.” Owens scrambled to his feet. He stood there at attention, doing his best not to start sweating bullets as Major Barnes leaned in to examine him, one hand on his chin.
“Hm…”
“Sir?”
The two of them locked eyes, Barnes’ set of brown staring into Owens’ green. And despite his best efforts, Owens couldn’t help but begin sweating then and there. Captain Johnson shifted a bit out of the corner of his eye, but Owens didn’t dare look over to him; experience had taught him that, much like a T-Rex, the Major’s vision was based on movement. This wasn’t to imply that he could only see things when they moved, but rather that moving was a good way to draw attention to oneself, in the same way that the squeaky wheel tended to get the grease.
To put it simply: predators enjoy it greatly when their prey tries to struggle. And at this moment in time, Owens was nothing if not the juiciest piece of prey available to his commanding officers on the whole station.
The seconds ticked by. Owens dared not count them, both because he didn’t want to press his luck and because he dreaded finding out how short eternity actually was. Finally, after those few agonizingly slow seconds passed, Major Barnes took a step back and let his hand fall from his chin, then clasped his arms behind his back.
“You have no idea how fucking lucky you are, Marine.”
Owens stiffened. “Sir?”
Major Barnes let out a tired sigh, then turned to Captain Johnson. “Smoking is still banned on this station, right?”
“It is outside of the dedicated smoking zones,” Johnson replied. “It upsets the Vuks’ sense of smell.”
“Damn… what about drinking?”
“Allowable outside of working hours, but I’d like to remind you that alcohol is what got us into this mess in the first place.”
“Ah, yes.” Major Barnes turned back towards Owens, his eyes narrowing. “Now, Private – perhaps you’d care to answer a question for me?”
“O-of course, Sir,” Owens stammered out.
“What in the hell made you think Jack Daniels was your friend?”
Owens felt a chill go down his spine. “Uh, Sir?”
“Stop phrasing my title like a question, please. Answer the question.”
Owens hesitated. Thankfully, Captain Johnson came to his rescue.
“Actually, if I remember right, the bartender said he was ordering Captain Morgan and tequila.”
Barnes let out a low whistle. “Damn, for real? What were you thinking, Private? You know rum and tequila don’t mix.”
“Apparently, he hasn’t heard how racist Captain Morgan is – everyone knows the Captain hates Mexicans.”
“U-um…” Private Owens said. “...Is this you both smoking me out?”
“Of course not, Private,” Major Barnes instantly replied. “After all, we’re not in a smoking area, remember?”
Private Owens wasn’t sure if the Major was trying to be dangerously sarcastic or if that was a genuine attempt at levity. In either case, he thought it best to stay silent. Finally, after a few more seconds had passed, Major Barnes shook his head.
“I mentioned earlier that you were lucky,” he said. “Hell, you’re probably the luckiest man alive. Possibly the luckiest man in history. Do you know why that is?”
“Because I’m not dead yet?”
“Partially, but no. No, you’re the luckiest man alive because, in spite of you making a drunken ass of yourself and banging their head diplomat, the Vuk voted to allow us into the Council, after all.”
Private Owens couldn’t help but sputter in surprise at that news. He took a moment to recover, then turned back towards the Major, surprise etched across his face. “You’re serious?” After a moment, he added, “Sir?”
“Oh, I’m very serious,” Major Barnes confirmed with a nod. “See how lucky you are, Private? Not only did you get laid, but you also somehow didn’t completely fuck everything up for our entire species, which means that I very unfortunately don’t get to space you.”
Private Owens hesitated. Next to him, Captain Johnson crossed his arms. “Breathe, Private. You look like you’re about to pass out.”
Owens did as he was told, sucking in a deep breath of air before exhaling it. Once he had taken a breath to calm himself, he opened his eyes again, once more staring at Major Barnes.
“So, if you don’t mind me asking, Sir… what happens now?”
“Good question,” Barnes replied. “Well, given that you might have actually done all of humanity a huge solid by sleeping with Petra, there’s not really much I can do to actually punish you. I mean, I could, but that’d reflect pretty badly on me, and if there’s one thing I care about, it’s my service record.”
“Immaculate service record,” Captain Johnson amended. “Downright radiant, really.”
“Exactly. And it’d really suck to mar it by having to write a young Marine for something like this, especially since it’s very possible that the only reason Petra voted yes was because the sex was so good.”
Private Barnes flushed red. “U-um… thanks, Sir. I think.”
“Don’t be so modest, Private – you know women talk. Well, word’s apparently gotten around, and now a fair few of the Vuk women are very curious about how the human mouth works. But that’s neither here nor there; the point is, we’re at a bit of an impasse. I can’t exactly smoke you for this, even though I really want to. But at the same time, I can’t just let you off the hook, either.”
“So… what do you plan to do with me, Sir?”
Major Barnes cracked a wide, wicked-looking grin. A chill went down Owens’ spine at the sight of it.
“Why, it’s simple, Private,” Barnes began, “in this situation, I think it only fitting that I throw you to the wolves… or, in this case, the devil dogs.”
Owens didn’t even have time to beg for mercy before Captain Johnson grabbed him and muscled him out the door, over to the barracks where the rest of his platoon was staying.
–
It wasn’t a surprise to Owens when they opened the door to the barracks and roughly shoved him inside, then closed it back up and locked it. He scrabbled at the door in vain for a moment before pausing and turning around.
His entire platoon was there, because of course they were.
Owens froze at the sight of them. Getting smoked by the Major and the Captain was bad enough, but that was nothing compared to the absolute fucking firestorm that was headed his way from the rest of the platoon. Slowly, he raised a hand.
“Uh, hey, guys,” he offered.
For a moment, nobody said or did anything. It was deathly silent in the barracks. But then, it happened.
Someone started the slow clap.
It began as just one person, but rapidly grew to two, and then three, and then all of a sudden, they were all doing it. And as they clapped, they were shouting at him, or rather, they were chanting – one simple word, which ordinarily wouldn’t have had much meaning, but with the way they were saying it, Owens just knew it was going to haunt him until he was discharged.
And that word was…
“Horn-Dog! Horn-Dog! Horn-Dog!”
Owens cringed as the word reached his ears. Unfortunately, that did nothing to actually block it out, and it only got worse when everyone in the platoon came up, still chanting, and took turns slapping him on the back.
And, naturally, the questions followed shortly thereafter.
“What was it like?”
“Was it as good as she’s making it sound?”
“Are you really that good with your tongue?”
“What’s it like being an actual furry?”
“Guys!” Owens finally blurted out, having had enough. “Look, I’ve… I’ve had a bit of a long day, you know? So can I at least take a seat before you start bombarding me with questions?”
The platoon fell silent at that. Owens breathed a sigh of relief, then began to stride through them; they parted like the Red Sea as he walked.
“Carefully,” one of them said, “he’s a hero.”
Owens flipped that guy off without even looking back. Finally, he reached his bunk and took a seat on it, then breathed a sigh of relief.
And the moment he was settled, the platoon was surrounding him once more, eager for him to answer their questions. Owens took a breath.
“Let me get one thing perfectly straight,” he said, “I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Dude, come the fuck on,” one of the men, Corporal Ramirez, protested. “You realize that she’s been telling her people about it, right?”
“For real, man,” Sergeant Douglas agreed with a nod. “Some of the Vuk females have been eye-fucking us ever since.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, I’m serious. Apparently, that tongue do be putting in the work.”
Owens’ brow furrowed. “That’s nasty, dude.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? You did it, not me! I’m just reporting some of the shit that’s been happening ever since you fucking gave Lassie the ol’ in-out.”
“First of all, don’t talk about her that way,” Owens warned. “I get that you’re just joking, but she’s still a diplomat, as well as the reason we’re even having this conversation right now. And not in that way!” He hurriedly added when he saw several of the men about to say something. “She was the deciding vote. If it weren’t for her coming through for us, we’d have been fucked.”
Corporal Ramirez hesitated, but only for a moment. “I mean-”
“Dude, don’t.”
“I’m just saying-”
“I am seriously begging you not to say it.”
Ramirez paused, but eventually, his baser instincts won out. “...She definitely did come through for us, and at least one of us was definitely fucked.”
Owens closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath before opening them again. “...Just for that, I’m not gonna tell you all what it was like.”
“Dude, come on,” Sergeant Douglas protested. “You’re really gonna do us like this? You’re gonna just fucking Captain Kirk it up and then refuse to talk about it?”
“Yes, I-” Owens paused. “...Captain Kirk?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“Hey, you’re the first human to actually fuck an alien, at least as far as anyone knows. It fits.”
“No, no, I’m not complaining, it’s just… I can’t be Shepard?”
“The fuck you talking about? You’re no Shepherd, that’s for sure.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because you couldn’t keep the wolf away.” Owens glared at him and Douglas just rolled his eyes. “Come on, Horndog, you’re just teeing these things up for me at this point. I can go all night.”
“Shame he couldn’t,” Ramirez added. “Or did he only stop because he got caught?”
“That’s a fair question, actually. Horndog, be honest – if you hadn’t been caught, would there have been another round?”
“How many rounds were there, anyway?” one of the other Marines asked.
“Do you think she’d have wanted breakfast afterwards?” another added. “Makes me wonder… do you think the Vuk prefer waffles, or pancakes?”
“I dunno, man. They seem pretty partial to creampies, if you ask me.”
“Guys!” Owens shouted, cutting them all off. He grit his teeth for a moment, but then let out another exhale. “...It probably goes without saying, but I am very, very, ridiculously tired right now. I’m very thirsty and I haven’t had anything to eat in a long-ass time.”
Ramirez opened his mouth to say something.
“Ramirez, if you say what I know you’re going to say, I will seriously fucking Code Red you by myself.”
Ramirez closed his mouth and said nothing.
Owens let out yet another exhale. “Look, fellas – let me just get some sleep, and then I’ll tell you as much as I can about it without it being disrespectful to her. Okay?”
“Sure, man, whatever you say,” Douglas offered.
“Thanks, guys.”
With that, Owens laid down in his bunk and closed his eyes, doing his best to enjoy the silence.
It lasted for all of five seconds before someone broke it.
“So, was this technically bestiality?”
Owens threw a blind punch, and just like that, the entire barracks erupted into chaos.

Special thanks to my good friend and co-writer, Ickbard, for the help with writing this story.

When it comes to shipping in Bleach, many fans of the anime will make really good ships, and also not so good ones. Take the UraYoru (Urahara x Yoruichi) ship for example (which is the main focus for this reddit post). I think it's really good. And I'll explain that right now.
We know that Urahara and Yoruichi are childhood friends. They grew up together. Although we don't know much, we could possibly get some flash back scenes to their childhood in the upcoming TYBW anime adaptation, as Kubo has been working with Studio Pierrot to include anime exclusive scenes. So there's a chance we'll definitely get flash backs of Yoruichi and Urahara's childhood together, which would also make their ship seem more agreeable.
Looking at their personalities, they are very similar in nature. Both characters often have teasing attitudes, and both Kisuke and Yoruichi like to mess around when in a battle or are apart of some type of training as well. For example, Yoruichi in the TYBW arc when she was fighting Askin. She was flirting with him at the beginning of their fight. Kisuke also was a bit teasing towards Ichigo in a playful voice when he was helping Ichigo regain his shinigami powers after Rukia was taken by Byakuya and Renji back to the Soul Society.
But both characters do get serious when it is necessary, like when both Urahara and Yoruichi fought against Aizen alongside Isshin. Even without Isshin, they are both a great duo overall. For example, when they saved Ichigo, Orihime, and Chad from Ulquiorra and Yammy. They were very well in sync, easily dominating Yammy on the battlefield.
Moving on, their appearance and clothing are also similar, in the sense that they have complementary colours. Kisuke's hair is blonde (a type of yellow). Yoruichi's hair is purple. Kisuke's eyes are grey. Yoruichi's eyes are gold. Kisuke's clothing is green. Yoruichi's clothing is typically orange. See where I'm going with this?
But like I mentioned in my last post (which was unfortunately removed from the Bleach reddit community), many Bleach fans who ship Yoruichi with Soi-Fon say that after TYBW, Yoruichi isn't talking to kisuke, after he forced her to enter the Shunryū Kokubyō Senki form in their fight against Askin. Again... its not true, because in the Can't Fear Your Own World light novels, Yoruichi meets up with Kisuke un her cat form, at the end of the 3'rd volume, where, after they talk about if Hisagi should know the truth about the Soul King, Kisuke mentioned how he's no better than Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Yoruichi then said afterwards that she would always be their for Kisuke, and if he were to ever go rouge and rebel against the soul society, she'd kill him herself. That's just a summary of what they said.
And let's also not forget... IF Kubo decides to continue the manga and start the Hell arc, there's no way Yoruichi wouldn't be talking to Kisuke, because the one-shot hell chapter we got is set 12 years after the TYBW arc. So that would be more than enough time for them to reconnect and strengthen their bond.
Now, I'm not saying that Yoruichi and Kisuke are gonna be a definite couple in the future. But with all the points I've just mentioned, it's clear that Yoruichi wouldn't end up with Soi-Fon. As I clearly stated in my last post, Yoruichi doesn't have feelings for Soi-Fon, even if Soi-Fon has feelings for her. Yoruichi isn't a lesbian either, because she wouldn't have teased Ichigo, not would she have flirted with Askin. Yoruichi literally threw away her royalty and status to save Kisuke from being convicted of Aizen's crimes. Soi-Fon eventually hated Yoruichi for over 100 years, when she left Soi-Fon behind. And finally... Soi-Fon was a literal CHILD when she first met yoruichi, making the YoruSoi ship very weird (like I mentioned last time). So in conclusion, Yoruichi is a better fit for Kisuke.
Let me know if I had missed anything out that could further support the UraYoru ship. And if anyone disagrees with what I say, feel free to comment.

By no means am I judging the appearance of the children AT ALL. Just to be clear.
However, i think it’s ridiculous that she doesn’t get her kids hair cut. It has gotten especially bad in recent videos. The boys all have hair down to their shoulders (i know hairstyles dont correlate with gender) but lets be honest, kids are RUTHLESS. The girls always have greasy/ matted hair. Not to mention the hair is CONSTANTLY in their eyes.
If you’re going to keep your kids hair long, it still needs to be washed, styled, and trimmed. She is setting them up to be bullied AND it is so overstimulating having your hair flying around 24/7. This is something that can be done at home, invest in a nice pair of clippers and scissors.
God knows she can buy gold jewelry, processed snacks, funko pops - and so on. This is so unfair to them.

hi everyone! was stalking this subreddit for a bit and decided to ask for some advice.
I stopped relaxing my hair around 2018 or so which kicked off my natural hair journey but in recent years I’ve been feeling quite insecure about my natural hair and have pretty much given up on my hair health; I do back-to-back protective styles without breaks, stretching my hair with heat often, and using hair gel that is not the most healthy for my hair but styles my hair.
I think a lot of internalized racism is contributing to this and I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I feel less feminine and less confident when I wear my natural hair. I feel like I’ve tried every hairstyle that will work for my hair length but nothing ever works or feels right aside from getting braids with added hair. I don’t know how to begin feeling comfortable with my hair without it being hidden and how to begin the process of caring for my hair.
My question is, how did you start to accept your hair the way it is and how do I start clean with my natural hair journey?
For context, I have short-medium length hair, medium-low porosity ( still struggling to figure it out), and a university student so I do need styles that last longer than a couple of days. I don’t think I’m at the stage yet where I can just wear my hair out without some styling.
Thanks for any help that you may be able to provide!

"Good morning, hell! Today at daybreak the temperature is a balmy 112° under a smoggy vermillion sky. The flowers are wilting, the sun is blistering, and the birds are squawking obscenities--"
"--Fuck you, Tom"
"--that was live coverage of the birds."
"I'll show you, I'll peck your eyes out on live--"
"I hate this show!" Niffty screeches from the ceiling light fixtures she had been dusting. The light swings precariously back and forth. "Can we watch literally anything else?"
"I have a movie I've been dying to watch, myself. I could play it for the whole group." Angel drawls, wiggling his brows, from his spot lounged across the sofa.
"No. That isn't happening again." Vaggie shoots the idea down with her squinting eye, arms crossed and sitting on the small portion of the sofa Angel isn't hogging. He proceeds to drape his legs over her in spite.
At this same moment, Husk rises like the dead from behind the bar, clearly hung over, puts up a finger and readies himself to address Angel.
"Breakfast, everyone!" Calls Charlie brightly from the kitchen. "We have a big day ahead of us, full of fun programmed activities (that are not porn)!"
Husk takes this opportunity to quietly pass away behind the bar again.
Everyone moves to get up from the den and sit in the kitchen, Niffty dangling by her arms from the ceiling light, when Lucifer walks in and sits criss cross applesauce in the middle of the floor, a cardboard box in hand. Everyone pauses mid stride to look at the King of hell sitting on the floor like a 5th grader, tongue poked out and clearly mentally elsewhere.
Time pauses for everyone else as the King of hell opens the box, dust pluming everywhere, and pulls out... A scrapbook. The box is full of scrapbooks. He picks up a particular one with ducks all across the cover, shakes his head 'no' and sets it aside.
He picks the next one 'Lilith my Queen xoxo - Luci my Apple Pie" scrawled in two hands across the front. He again sets this one aside, after a shake of his head 'no'.
Everyone is in trance, now crowded around the short king in the living room. Interested has peaked. The tension in palpable.
The third book is-
"What are we so all so keen about here? Seems I'm missing out on the entertainment." Alastor says from slightly behind the crowd and everyone spooks a bit. He had snuck in silently- likely using shadowalking- but no one had been paying enough attention to notice.
He walks over to the approximate location of ceiling lamp, Niffty letting go of the light fixture and falling into his hair in a practiced maneuver before crawling down and skittering to sit with the rest. Alastor just cocks a brow and waits, tall enough to see the book next in queue from his angle.
"Huh. I was just walking down memory lane, trying to find Charlie's old- What, wait, I don't owe you any answers." Lucifer looks up and notices the intent eyes of everyone at the hotel on him for the first time. "OH hi everyone? I have an audience." He continues uncertainly, reaching into the box and dusting off the third book.
A certain princess's face blooms a bright red, her eyes grow like saucers. Her girlfriend's grip on her arm doubles.
"Charlie's (my brighest morning star- Quack Quack) Baby photos"
End chapter 1

Hey ladies! I’m a tall, nerdy guy looking for an equally nerdy woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. I don’t have kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!
‘Hey’ is for horses!

Hey ladies! I’m a tall, nerdy guy looking for an equally nerdy woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. I don’t have kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!
‘Hey’ is for horses!

Hey ladies! I’m a tall, nerdy guy looking for an equally nerdy woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. I don’t have kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!
‘Hey’ is for horses!

Hey everyone! I'm a 23y.o i just dropped out my masters in Law and i am looking for another one rn ! originally from the Middle East. The past 4 years have been a whirlwind of travel and adventure, and I'm hoping to find someone special to share the next chapter with.
A Bit About Me:
Looks: I'm a skinny guy with brown hair and dark eyes. My style is pretty laid-back and casual. Passions: I'm a huge music lover (jazz is my favorite, but I'm open to anything), a history and philosophy buff, and I'm always trying to learn new languages (currently Arabic, English, and some Turkish). Personality: I'm curious, open-minded, and always up for a good conversation. I love exploring new places, trying new foods, and meeting interesting people.
My Ideal Partner:
Someone who's intelligent, kind, and passionate about life. Bonus points if you love music, traveling, or have a quirky sense of humor. Location isn't important to me, but my preference is white.
What I'm Looking For:
I'm hoping to find a long-term relationship with someone who shares my love for learning, exploring, and deep conversations. If you're looking for a guy who can serenade you with jazz tunes and debate the meaning of life, I might be the one for you. :)
If you're interested, send me a message with your favorite song or book recommendation. Let's see where this adventure takes us!

Shared Kit 

Brittle Form Kit: 

Forged Form Kit: 

I have a full fringe and when I style it in the mornings it looks amazing for like 1 minute before it somehow absorbs oil and gets shiny, stuck together. The ends stick together I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the hairs are the same length.
But how do I stop the greasy shiny so it stays ‘matte’ and clean looking?
I’ve tried dry shampoo. I’m constantly combing the ends so they unstick

Hello!
I hope you are doing well! :)
I don’t really know how to start this post, as you can imagine I would like to find that special someone :D It’s definitely not easy, and I don’t have too much hope when writing this post, but I feel a lot like writing! So maybe I will try my luck!
About me:
I am a pretty normal person, I like simple things and even though I always thought that was bad (when I was an edgy teenager) the older I get the more I am keen on having a simple yet beautiful life. And I am working towards that right now.
I have not had an easy life, let’s just put it that way, so I have dealt with depression for a long time as well as anxiety. I want to be honest about this because it can be a dealbreaker for some people. I am getting better thanks to my therapist and medication.
In my free time I love cross stitching, watching tv shows and listening to music (I am really excited about this Twenty One Pilots album coming soon!) i also love going to the cinema, taking a walk, going to the beach and swimming (although I don’t swim very well) and traveling (I would love to travel more).
I also would love to read more (I feel like I am blocked right now when it comes to book) and learn how to use a camera properly as I also like photography. I also would love to find some penpal friends (in case you’re interested in writing letter let me know! :) )
I consider myself to be a good listener, loyal and trustful. I don’t drink or smoke (never have) and I am looking for someone who doesn’t smoke either or who drinks too much.
What I value the most in a relationship is honesty and communication. I prefer to know the truth even if it hurts than living in a lie. I also like to be able to communicate how I feel and I also expect my partner to be able to communicate with me whatever they are feeling (especially if it is regarding the relationship). I also love hugs and holding hands.
I am greysexual. Sex and sexual attraction are not important for me in a relationship, so if it is important to you, we may not be a good match!
Physically I am quite short (1,54 cm), slim, short wavy hair. I do not really have any style when it comes to clothes but my favorite trend right now is cottagecore and fairycore.
What I am looking for is:
Someone honest, caring and who loves hugs! Who also believes communication and honesty are fundamental in a relationship.
As I said sexual attraction is not important for me, but I really like someone who takes care of themselves (I know this may sound basic, but who showers regularly, who likes to style their clothes, who takes care of their stuff and who is organized and tidy). I do not drink or smoke so I would prefer to date someone who doesn’t drink/smoke either.
Someone around my age and preferably from Europe due to the distance, but I am also open to get to know people from other parts of the world:)
Thanks for reading this! Have a good day/ night!
Edit: sorry for the edit! I forgot to mention that I would appreciate if you could write a little bit about yourself if you decide to message? That would be great! Also let me know what’s your favorite song! :)

Hi, I didn't know where to post this so I'm going to try out this subreddit. I'm a 32-year-old man who has been dealing with declining health. I have previously written on the "hypertension" subreddit so I'll keep it as short as I can here.
Back in 2017, I fainted at work, I went to the hospital to get some fluids and was told I had low potassium at 2.7( I forget the units). Ever since that initial visit, my health has been declining. The following are my symptoms:
HBP, Dizziness/ balance issues, panic attacks, brain fog, major hair loss, tingling in my hands and feet (extremely painful), night sweats, waking to pee 3 times a night, palpitations, digestive issues, ringing in the ears, and eye floaters.
My doctor has run multiple tests on me and everything has come back normal. I recently did my research and found out I may have hyperaldosteronism. I booked an appointment to see my doctor and he gave me hell for even mentioning the possibility. I had to fight tooth and nail for him to test me. Fast forward a week after testing and he says my aldosterone is elevated😒. So I requested to see an endocrinologist, but he refused and sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound came back normal, but after doing my research I have learned that I should have had other tests done to rule out aldosteronism. Also, I was told a CT scan is the standard when observing the adrenals and that ultrasound can miss a hyperaldosteronism diagnosis. My doctor refuses to do anything further for me and I need help to determine my next steps. Any advice would be appreciated. I've been ill since 2017 and I really need some help. I'm in Toronto Canada if anyone has any doctors I can visit.