Dead bodies in morgue

MCU (I'm combining these with the original three X-Men movies): Bolivar Trask was one of the worlds leading engineers in the field of robotics and this showed in what type of items that his company sold because Trask industries was one of the few companies that was actually able to compete and beat stark industries in the field of weapons sells but for all the success his company had trask was unable to succeed at his own personal projects which was to build a machine that could protect humanity from super powered freaks and guide the species into the future but while they were successful in creating the prototype body they were unable to create an AI powerful enough to bring the machine to life that was until the death of Tony Stark and when his company then started to go under and was forced to sell the rights to their tech to other companies to stay in business Trask was soon to swoop in and buy the rights to Stark's AI technology and Trask would repurpose it to bring and would rename it Nimrod but due to a programming glitch Nimrod would rampage escaping from the lab into the world one with limitless possibilities for such an adaptive machine
DC animated universe:Many thought that Lex Luther was an arrogant man that could never see his own downfall coming but while they would be right on the first part they would be dead wrong on the second and this showed in one of Luther's many backup that he had come up with soon after taking over the legion of doom plans in case of his Death called operation rebirth which was a plan to take a copy of Lex's mind and download it into a top of the line robot body but the world could not have two lex Luthers so the original would create a network connecting the robot and it's AI to a limited amount of the Internet all so that it could wait for the day that it was reported that the original died which would then cause the activation protocol to take place awakening the robot and so it would slumber in the hidden laboratory for years to come until one day it would be reported that Lex Luther had died sacrificing himself to defeat the new god Darkseid but what was not planned for was that the robot's AI would be corrupted due to the fact that sleeping within the furthest parts of Lex's mind were fragmented pieces of Brainiac's programming and conscious was lodged in his mind an once the robot was activated both of the personalities would fight each other for control which would end up with both of them merging together to create something new and now this new entity would be free to travel the world that was full of opportunities
Invincible:The mauler twins were geniuses and that could not be denied and they were also quite the physical specimens with super human durability and strength but even with such impressive power they still consistently lost to the guardians of the globe due to the fact that they had such a power houses like war woman,the immortal and of course Omni man and while planning their attack on the white house the maulers would realize that even though they might not be able to match their enemies physically they could make a something that could because while Gene manipulation and cloning was their bread and butter they were still skilled engineers so they would craft a adaptive robot that could stand a chance against the Earth's strongest heroes the only thing that was left to do was to bring it to life using a advanced learning AI but what the mauler twins weren't expecting was for their creation to rebel against them due to a glitch in it's programming and it would escape the lab into a super powered world full of opportunities

We have rabbit nest in our yard and I have collected bodies of two dead bunnies so far. I know the cat is responsible for this. I have been collecting dead mice too. What’s the best way to bring this up to avoid having their cat in our yard?

-Disclaimer: This is an examination of Dottore being a complex morally grey villain that wasn't just born 100% evil, it's NOT a case that he's a good boy.-
I'll assume Zandik is Dottore since it's very likely (plus, someone tried to name their Wanderer that but it didn't work.)
Let's start with the oldest piece of lore:
-- Doctor's Pinion reveals a tragic past with unknown reasons for persecution --
When Pierro first tried to recruit Zandik / Dottore, he responded:

"Will you treat me like the Akademiya did? Will you call me a monster, a madman?" "Or will you treat me as my hometown did, and chase me away with pitchforks and clubs...?"

Some people assume the persecution was because of his experiments but it's important to note that the fact is we don't know what happened so there's a chance it wasn't something evil. That he could be chased away by "pitchforks and clubs" indicates he was weak at that point and couldn't do anything to stop it.
He also expresses a desire to merge humans with machines.

"With or without a Vision, and irrespective of their physique or combat skills,"Enhanced humans" would surely display strength far beyond the average."

This shows a desire to give power to the weak (likely including himself), even if they lack visions. Which isn't inherently a bad thing, it's just against the Akademiya's teachings. This applies even to Scaramouche, whose power had been locked by Raiden and he unlocked it.
-- Mysterious moral convictions --
Although a lot of the fandom accuses him of having no ethics or morals at all, there are several hints that this isn't the case.
He got mad at Scaramouche when told: "you only care about your crazy experiments" and told Nahida he has "his own convictions, we just don't share them" which were both conveniently not further explained. There is also the Jeht quest incident but i'll discuss it later on.
-- Eleazar hospital notes --
To briefly summarize the notes, he cured a patient using another dead patient's remains. His treatment was harsh but successful. These notes read like a Dr. House script, Dottore not giving a crap about the patient's religious beliefs included.
Abbas had a terrible ending because he had developed insanity and ran away. Zandik/ Dottore left a note warning not to let him go but it seems the staff didn't listen.
These notes align with how plague doctors were misunderstood and feared in real life. This motif was incorporated into his video game iteration, replacing the joker / clown persona.
Some people interpreted these notes as "Dottore murders and mutilates people that are alive for experiments" but there's no indication of that.
-- Aranara experiment notes --
These are the worst by far. It's unclear if the "subjects" were people with Eleazar or healthy people exposed to the withering for tests. It has to be pointed out that it seems the actions were done by his subordinates since it's likely Dottore reprimanding them at the end:

"This is a waste of resources. It is advisable to watch over the subjects' mental state in the next experiment and avoid exposing them to extreme environments... Lab Lead on duty: ████"

Yes, this sounds bad but it's proof he isn't a sadist that enjoys watching pain.
It also means he is higher in a moral standpoint than characters like Jack Horner. These type of characters don't care or enjoy deaths with the pretext of "we can always get more lackeys."
-- During the Jeht quest --
Froderock (a subordinate of Dottore) wants to capture an eremite. It is stated he is acting on his own and that Dottore gave an order not to kidnap eremites.
A note by another Fatui member states that Froderock is going to get killed for going against the order. We can theorize that the Harbinger himself would kill him. There's also a line about "following military regulations" which means his subordinates operate under a code and can't just kidnap people for experiments for the lols.

Fatui Negotiator: Professor Froderock was looking for live specimens in the desert — he always defied The Doctor's orders... That's just pure jealousy, if you ask me
...I urge you to consider, Captain Zoya, that if we are able to complete this research work in the desert, perhaps our entire expeditionary force may receive the favor of our great Harbinger... (This line has been crossed out using a red pen, and a line in red has been added: "How about you consider military regulations? Or perhaps you would like to consider how long you have left to live?")

A similar thing happened with Arlecchino in the Fortune Slip quest in Inazuma. Subordinates of her were acting on their own by following the previous Knave's teachings to make some orphans for the House.
-- *Time of Insight Artifact * --
It mentions a "mad scientist expelled by the akademia" and the text under it seems to be Dottore speaking.
The last part says:

"Those sellswords (Eremites) once did much for me. I trust they will not disappoint this time, either."

Combining Jeht quest with this makes it seem that eremites helped Dottore in some way and he is fond enough of them to slaughter a subordinate that brings them harm.
The following text seems to be Dottore's reason to want to capture Aranaras:

"The dream had to be captured — along with the inhabitants of the forest who could control dreams, To remind that friend once again of one's own form and the memories that were shared.
If the organ that governs memory has taken too much damage and cannot be healed, Then bring another old friend and dwell in dreams of the past together, Play in a small tree house, and explore the limitless depth of the jungle. Yes, that would be nice as well. For in dreams, everyone has a chance to start over."

I couldn't find more info about this "friend". It seems to be someone who suffered the effects of erosion or death, or an aranara that lost their memory.
-- Al Haitham's SQ --
Alhaitham: (To Siraj / the villain, after praising his intelligence)

"You would never let a test subject escape. Mistakes like that are beneath you, and you also won't leave any mistake without a resolution."

This is relevant because we know Dottore is canonically smarter than Siraj yet he didn't hunt down Collei (Barnabas is the one that traumatized and wanted to kill her), Abbas or Scara. It's a known thing there's a Fatui code that traitors and deserters are executed to avoid spilling secrets. Dottore leaves even Scara alone, you may argue that he was lazy but suspiciously Childe, who during Labyrinth Warriors was chasing Scara, soon appeared in Inazuma in a photo taking event, leaving for Snezhnaya, after Scara lost his gnosis.
It was never explained why Childe was chasing him to take away the Gnosis yet suddenly Scara appeared with Dottore without Childe. This is suspicious because Childe loves to fight, to the point he wanted to fight Arle while recovering on her SQ. He didn't even show up to finish off Scaramouche at the end.
To play Devil's advocate, it could also be Scaramouche is a part of some unknown plan too and nothing to do with mercy.
-- Dottore's speech to Niwa --
Taking into account Nahida's story that says: "the monster found solace in the kitten", the black bird referring to himself as "a monstrosity yet they are too foolish to see it" and Dottore's lines to Pierro:

"Will you call me a monster, a madman?"

Dottore sees himself as an inhuman monster. It puts into question if the following line wasn't just about Scaramouche and is actually a metaphor of Dottore speaking about his past:

"Escher: Even without you, that pure, innocent puppet would only end up being used by someone else instead. What other reason would a human have for befriending one who is not of our kind?"

Although Dottore refers to himself as "human", the two lines I quoted previously contradict this. Mentally he sees himself as not human (to the point of finding solace in a living puppet), even though his words say otherwise. There is also a chance this Dottore was no longer human at all, the Nahida story shows the monster bird had tiny floating birds around, even though he hadn't studied Scaramouche to create the segments.
There is also a stark contrast between Dottore joining the Fatui expresing concern over been rejected again yet he is embracing his monster persona in the Niwa scene.

"Escher: Think of me as a monster or a demon, if you wish... "

It could be a sign of a person with trauma who steered into an evil path. Kept getting called a monster until he accepted it.
There could be many reasons for the change, besides being used, -incoming pure speculation- he could have experimented on himself to have less emotions or taking this quote into account: "everyone has a chance to start over in dreams" he believes he can commit atrocities and it won't matter because he plans to do a reset somehow.

" The Doctor: Jester, I have completed the task you gave me. Creating a gap and infiltrating Inazuma's inner workings... Heh, what fun it was. The Doctor: I'd like to introduce a puppet to you. If he proves useful, let's make him our newest comrade. And if not... let's turn him to dust."

The bold part is more clues of either future Scara related scheming or Dottore's words are an act, mercy was shown when he became useless. It also seems that Pierro stirred him into a darker path.
I wouldn't say it's confirmation that Pierro is pure evil because we barely know anything about him, there's a chance it was for some greater good since that's a trend with the Harbingers.
-- Possible Sohreh murder --
At first glance, it seems way too obvious that Zandik did it, it's like watching a murder mystery movie and the first suspect is a red herring.
Since people frequently incorrectly state: "Dottore murdered a girl while they were having a picnic" like a fact, I'm going to make a deep dive into these notes:
First there is no clear motive for him killing Sohreh. (Niwa had a purpose.)

attack of Rishboland Tigers. In need of first aid..."

The bold part implies she was still alive while Zandik was dealing with the Ruin Guard. The broken bone didn't happen during the picnic while he was alone with her. She was declared dead and buried after the attack, she could have been killed during it while everyone was distracted.
-Does the Akademiya think that Zandik is responsible?-
There is a message board that says he was investigated over her murder.
The lack of motive combined with Zandik only receiving negative consequences from saving the team makes me think he was framed and acted on impulse / emotion when saving them or he turned it on to spook the tigers and it accidentally killed her.
Why? He could have just ran away and let everyone die to not reveal he was hiding ruin guard knowledge. Which he expressed on the notes that he didn't want the rest to know:

"I am going to take them (Ruin guards) apart, and record the size and shape one by one...
...But first of all, this secret must not be revealed to the other team members..."
...Thank goodness, Zandik reacted quickly. Otherwise, the whole team would be in serious trouble..."

-Some people argue that "running away and letting everyone die would have been too suspicious so he saved them."
It's more likely he was just a weak regular human at that point in his life so it wouldn't have been too suspicious to run away / he actually risked his life to shut it down.-
The 2 burned notes both state: "Someone seems to have burnt the contents in a hurry" it could have been the person trying to frame him. One of them is a note about the Ruin Guards and has Zandik's signature, they may have wanted to steal credit of his research.
-Regarding who framed Dottore, u/Sandflow_23 commented an excellent theory
lt seems Zandik didn't care much about Sohreh's death since he proceeded to ask the team to take back the Ruinguard while she was bleeding but the Eleazar hospital notes come after this incident. Was this his first instance of curing people?
Did being unable to save someone influence him in some way? It may just be coincidental but it's worth taking note. I'm trying to look at all possibilities.
People usually see Sohreh's note as "she learned Dottore's secret so he murdered her" But something I haven't seen discussed is how there is also a chance he trusted her and decided to open up to people more. Previously he said studying Ruinguards could get him kicked out but after the following note by Sohreh, he decided to try to convince his team to take back the ruin guard:

"...Zandik was attracted by the ancient machines left behind by some civilization here...
We had a great time and decided to go on a picnic tonight..."

Finally, to play Devil's Advocate: it seems he also had another secret mission that was never explained.

"...It's a shame that documents regarding its (the giant golem's) energy supply systems have been lost, and I have far too important a mission to accomplish to afford to start from scratch. If not..."

He could have killed her because she learned that secret but it's still weird that he'd go and choke her with people focused on him speaking about Ruinguard studies.
-- Arle SQ --
Lyney said "he proposed the direction of the research " for the bottled flames. That he wants to give people "a chance to start over" was also hinted in Time of Insight artifact. I won't be surprised if it turns out most of the injured kids he took from Crucabena are actually fine. The Eremites, which he didn't want his subordinates to kidnap, were also healthy, so this is another instance of him seeking to work with weak people to give them power. I'm NOT denying there's a chance he wants to use it for some other plan like burning the tree like other Redditors have proposed
Finally, there remains the question of which Dottore would be playable. I predict the original or Omega. (Knocking off the angelic new segment theory)
We don't know if the original is alive, since Raiden destroyed her physical body (and the segments were based on Scaramouche) he could be dead BUT giving a kill switch to Omega may have a deeper meaning. Like those fragments of his mind from dead segments will re-materialize in an empty segment or object his soul is bound to or go back to Omega and change his personality, the former sounds like FullMetal Alchemist but a Remuria quest confirms this is a thing in Genshin.
Finally done, sorry if this is ridiculously long but I wanted to provide quotes to sustain the arguments, especially since some people hate him so much based on mostly misinformation.

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

A gentlle whisper as soft as a summer breeze creeps into existence “Your mom is a hoe.”
Fredo the Crimson Fleet Corsair whirls around on his heels pointing the muzzle of his Kraken in the general area of the noise. All he sees is Jorge The Gordo leaning against a stack of recently purloined cases of UC assault rifles. He calms down after a bit and goes back to drinking and thinking about murder.
Once again the whisper arrives without warning “You’ve got a 230 credit rating. You owe credits to mother fuckers in the future you haven’t even met yet.”
Fredo slaps at his thigh holster and pulls the deadly machine pistol free. You can call his mom a hoe but you never EVER bring up his poor credit rating. Jorge The Gordo is standing quietly by thinking about sandwiches when small caliber bullets begin tearing through his third hand spacesuit. The lifeless body now stitched full of holes bounces gently away in the low gravity environment. A few pirates investigate the disturbance but considering Fredo kills people all the time this is within the norm.
Feeling at ease now the violator has been dealt with Fredo loads a fresh mag into the hungry magazine well of his Kraken. He begins thinking of Red Trench and Paradiso prostitutes, and also sandwiches.
The whispers are back yet this time they fall on other ears…
“You’re Wight is a floating pile of failure wrapped in a blanket of sadness”
“When you fire your Orion you look like an idiot.” (They can’t all be successful rolls…)
“Delgado makes fun of your accent when you’re not around.”
“You can’t maintain an erection.”
A bullet impacts the fibrasteel superstructure of the outpost next to Fredos head. Instinctively he drops to a knee, pulls his pistol, and scans for targets without thinking. Two of his former comrades have begun firing at his position from a distance. He does a right combat roll which looks magical in low gravity and rattles off a burst while sliding behind cover. The Kraken bucks and kicks in his hand, he knows all of his rounds went wide however it did slow the advance of the opposition which was its intent. He reloads and swings around the other end of the cover and catches them dead to rights. Bullets quietly zip into the nearest target killing him instantly. As his target falls his muscles contract and he clutches the trigger on his Maelstrom and empties the magazine towards Fredo. Quickly launching himself into cover saves his life if only for a few more moments.
Fredo reaches for another magazine to only realize there are no more. He pulls a Rattler from a boot holster and clutches it dearly. He can hear nothing but his screaming heartbeat in the cold vacuum of Titan. He notices the shadows of a rifle break the corner of his cover and charges it catching it under his arm. His attacker rattles off most of a mag and then Fredo shoved his backup pistol underneath the helmeted head and pulls the trigger seven times. The first three had little to no effect on the heavily armored spacesuit however the last four were more than enough to get the job done. He snatches the Maelstrom out of the air before it can float away and tips his head down to do a quick press check.
“Good.” He thought as the weapon was still loaded with at least ten rounds or so and chambered. As soon as he looked up from the weapon his vision went black.
The Razorbacks recoil was tripled in low gravity and ended its deadly arc of recoil at the twelve o clock position above Mavis’ head. As she looks at the lifeless body spinning end over end she wonders how she will spin this to Delgado. The Razorback as still on his downward return arc from the recoil when her upper body is removed from the lower half.
The Starborn looks up from the scope on his Magsniper 500 meters away.
“Excellent shot sir! What am I saying they are all excellent shots! I would wager you’ve never had a bad shot.” The adoring fan rants.

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Quinn's extremely childish and irresponsible reaction to Debra's refusal to marry him in season 6 was really pathetic. She's not ready to marry him, so he tries to pressure her into accepting, and when he realizes that this heart-shaped cake he made later won't be changing her mind, he slams the door and goes sulking like an angry 4 year-old kid, and then proceeds to immediately break up with her and fuck as many women as possible, including one person of interest in a major investigation, all of this in a lamentable attempt at making Debra jealous, as if that could possibly... what, suddenly make her want him so badly that she'll accept to marry him? What kind of logic is that?? Or was his goal simply to hurt her? If so, why??
Her rejection of his proposal was perfectly reasonable! I mean, come on, Quinn, think about it: the one previous time where a guy professed his love for Debra and asked her to marry him, it didn't go very well for her now did it? Quinn should know that! Besides, she was just promoted to lieutenant, she's leading the team in charge of capturing the new serial killer who put a dismembered dead body on four horses and had them walk in the streets in the middle of the day without getting caught or even identified, so she doesn't have the time for that bullshit! And then he knowingly fucks a suspect in that very same investigation and when Debra is understandably and rightfully mad about this, he assumes that oh it's because she's just so jealous that the loser who broke up with her decided to screw another woman, that no, it can't possibly be because he's endangering this first major investigation she's leading! Ugh.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that he also goes on a drinking binge, manages to forget his gun in some random lady's car, gets high on marijuana when he's supposed to be on duty and crashed Debra's party while drunk and very rudely and inappropriately hits on Batista's younger sister (who's clearly not interested in him at all)? Yeah. Great work, Quinn, really. Clearly you're the best at not letting your personal life influence your professional one. Almost as bad as season 2's Esmée.
On top of that, his proposal to Debra was very clumsy and obviously not the right thing to do when it comes to Debra specifically. He shouldn't have proposed in the first place, nonetheless the way he did it was also inadequate for her. We've seen that Debra is into romantic stuff - in the first season, it's clear that she loves it when "Rudy" brings her flowers and says cheesy romantic things, and she seemed to really love his proposal with a shitload of flowers, costly champagne, a yacht and overall in ridiculously expensive and way over the top surroundings (I'll never understand the point of wasting money like that, but at any rate, Debra appeared to appreciate it a lot; maybe she just likes the idea of some guy spending that much money solely to please her? Who knows). Now, after her misadventure (to put it lightly) with "Rudy", obviously Debra isn't going to like anything too similar to what he did, however I'm assuming that her core tastes did not change - which means that she still likes classical romantic things; in consequence, proposing to her first thing in the morning, by putting the ring in the freaking fridge (was that really the only place Quinn could think of?) while they're making breakfast and pancakes are being cooked, was definitely not the best method. Furthermore, correct me if I'm misremembering, but wasn't it the morning of a work day? What, he couldn't wait until the evening, or better the weekend to propose, when they'll have way more time to talk about that and have fun? Personally I don't get why a specific setting is necessary to propose (just like I don't get most romantic things tbh), but I do understand pragmatism - which was obviously completely absent from Quinn's proposal. Was he so sure that she'd want to marry him (when she's never discussed marriage with him before and considering the debacle with her previous fiancé) that he thought she would say yes at once, and then they could go right back to eating breakfast and going to work without being late and that's it, it will be settled? Or was he trying to pressure her into accepting at once? If so, what a fucking dick. That marriage would never work. Oh, and the fact that they left the fridge open for like a whole minute was annoying - you're not supposed to leave the door of the fridge open for so damn long! You're supposed to just take what you need and then close it, so the food will stay cold! Grrr. Perhaps that's just me, because some of my relatives have the bad habit of uselessly leaving the door of the fridge open for too long, but anyway. And the pancakes burning was 100% predictable.
I'm not even a fan of Debra (maybe I'll elaborate on that in another post, and I'll do my best to not just repeat what others who dislike her have already mentioned about her), but in that situation I think she was entirely right to reject Quinn and that he was completely out of line.
I don’t know if anyone at all will give this a read, that’s just my opinion, but lately I feel like there’s been a little many so-called shitposts on this subreddit, and though sometimes it can be funny overall I much prefer discussion, so I decided to contribute to it. I’ve already seen some about Quinn, however I don’t think there’s been any about this particular element of that character in the sixth season.
So agree/disagree about this take? If you think there’s anything I got wrong, feel free to point it out!

So instead of being myself I just act positively and within 3 weeks I’m bored and done with the therapy.
Back to wishing I was dead everyday . Fantasizing about how I’m going to meet people even though I never do .
Can’t talk to any body about this . All I say is I live in a state of hell and wish I could die . . I can’t keep looking . It’s too much . I will just learn to cut contact off with everybody and live like a priest in my own little shell . Using my wishes to die like fuel to get up in the morning , because it’s all I have . It’s all my brain cares about . It’s been like this since I was 9 and it’s always going to be like this . Why should I even try to change , just to trick people ? So I can surround myself with people only to lose my mind one day and destroy everybodies lives ? Naw that’s alright . I’ll just die sad and alone like I’ve always known I would . I just have to accept the truth
Edit: if you’re thinking you’d like to respond . Rethink it . Idc about any suggestions to get therapy . I will never get help or change . It’s not possible and I’m tired of feeling like I need to change . I will burn every bridge I have

This is not a repost of a story. This is my story that has been banned and shared around. Someone keeps reporting me and I cannot see any constructive opinions
My daughter Anne has issues and a lot of horrible qualities. But she calls me every day and needs my help with basic tasks because she doesn’t have anybody anymore. No friends, partner, anybody. She had a daughter young. Her name is Sara. She didn’t treat Sara well and it caused problems within the family for years. She would isolate Sara from us the second we said something she didn’t like. But she treated her horrible. I supported her financially by buying essentials, foods, and clothes for her because Anne couldn’t be bothered.
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck she’s treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she can’t take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when she’d get frustrated with her. Sara told me that she’d say things like “The aliens are coming to get you. Goodbye” and lock her bedroom door so Sara can’t get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasn’t spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she won’t even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her “Sara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how you’ll feel in the future” and now she wants to stop talking to me. I’ve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But it’s never enough. She’s taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she won’t know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. It’s unfair that I’m the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For “not taking her out” but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didn’t talk for years. It’s unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.

So for the last few months I’ve been kind of bored playing games. I feel like I’ve kept cycling through the same five or six. I’ve really had the itch to play a survival game lately. My first thought was Valheim but I have almost two thousand hours into it and I got bored after just a few minutes. I looked through my Steam library and felt like I just couldn’t find the right game.
Then I remembered I have a ton of free games I got from Epic over the last couple years that I’ve never played. So I installed a few and one of them was Dying Light. I’ve always heard about Dying Light but it’s always referred to as zombie parkour and while that’s not entirely inaccurate, it’s a lot more than that.
Right from the jump I was having fun. I found myself exploring right away and not feeling like the game was linear or that I HAD to do a mission to enjoy the game. The only other time I’ve felt like that is with Breath of the Wild.
When I got to the mission where I have to intercept the drops before Reis (sp?) to bring the antizin back to the tower is where things got real.
It’s turning to night time really fast. I get to the favela area and I find the drop, kill the zombies that are around it and trigger the cutscene. This is when they first introduce volatiles. You’re peering through a fence and one of them jump scares you. I don’t normally get much more than maybe a jolt and increased heart rate but when that mfer popped into view I jumped and literally felt panic and like I had to get out of there lol.
The cutscene is over and it’s time to run. I could not think. I just started going lol. The camera was pointed toward a path to the beach so I just went that way running and jumping randomly. I was genuinely afraid. Like I was scared and scatter brained and I only wanted to get away by any means.
I ended up running down to the beach and wrapping around a cliff to the other side. There was a dead body floating in some water and that scared me too lmao. I got to the other side and avoided the chase but they were relentlessly walking around and looking for me. I actually tried waiting for the sun to come up but it never did.
I knew I’d have to run for my life the 300m I needed to go to get back to the tower. It was a heart pounding 300m and I got hit a few times when they started chasing me again but when I saw that blue entrance and passed into safety I fell back in my chair and sighed with relief.
I haven’t felt like that playing a game in a really long time and I just want to say thank you to the devs for making a great game and giving me some excitement in gaming again.

Another post, this one is a bit different though. I sat down today, thought about my relationship with food, my body, myself really throughout my life. Because after Week 2 of “all in” recovery, I slowly see my love-handles and belly creeping back up, scared me at first, or still does but see below.
As a kid, even teenager I loved sweets, I’d oftentimes eat a lot of sweets and absolutely loved Sundays because those were the days when my family made pancakes for breakfast, I’d easily eat 8 or so pancakes and it was bliss for me as a child. During high school I had a phase where Cinammon Toast Crunch and KitKats were my favourite thing in the world, I always loved going to dinner with friends and family, loved helping my mother cook and loved school bake sales. The thing is, I also enjoyed many other things, enjoyed exercise, enjoyed grabbing beers with friends until the early morning, enjoyed video games and enjoyed travel.
Less than a year ago, I decided I felt a bit out of shape for my standards and wanted to lose a couple pounds again. Little bit more running, cutting back on the snacks and a bit more healthy food.
It turned into an addiction, an addiction that ruined all of these aspects of my life. An addiction that took the things I loved and destroyed them. Now, when I think of these things, nothing but food comes to mind. Or at least it used to. “How many calories are in x?” “What could I eat to stay within my limits?” “What game would be best to play so I don’t think about food/hunger?” It’s controlled all these aspects of my life.
I had for a short while “achieved” my absolute dream body. The one I thought I’d never have. The one I was always so slightly jealous of, the kind of body that you can see plastered on social media, on magazine covers and in movies, the body that was deemed fit and healthy. I was proud and it kept me going, trying to maintain this body. I got compliments, god did I feel confident, taking my shirt off at the beach was finally something I was looking forward to.
I also had no sex drive, my ass hurt when I sat down because there wasn’t enough fat there, I slept terribly, I had to pee every 20-30 minutes because I was chugging a gallon of water before every meal to not feel hungry. I felt invalid, because I was already eating at “maintenance” at that point, felt like nothing could be wrong because I wasn’t underweight. Felt like the dead look of my face was just something that came with being leaner than I was used to. I looked up to fitness influencers, even upped my calories to above maintenance, which still felt like a prison. I went to sleep thinking of all the things I’d eat the next day, just to pace myself at breakfast to save calories for dinner. I barely recognised myself, it felt like a stranger was controlling this body, my mind felt like it wasn’t mine anymore. It consumed me, maintaining this physique became the most important aspect of my life, a reason to cancel dates, cancel vacations, a reason to “keep going”, whatever the fuck that means.
So, sitting here, scared shitless because of the “all in” and the rapid weight gain. I want to apologise to the chubby version of myself that I guess I will inevitably return to.
I am sorry you didn’t love yourself. I am sorry you didn’t feel attractive enough. I am sorry for starving you. I am sorry for pushing through injuries and going to sleep hungry. I am sorry for not accepting our faults. I am sorry for pushing you way past what you felt comfortable with. I am sorry for masking this hell I created for us as discipline. I am sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday dinner, sorry you couldn’t enjoy moms cooking without worrying about calories, sorry you couldn’t enjoy our last vacation because you had to run 10 kilometres to be able to eat to fullness at dinner, sorry for making you order that dumbass salad instead of the steak the next day to make up for potentially overeating. I am sorry for all the memories you missed out on because you wouldn’t let yourself have a drink. I am sorry for ever letting it get this far.
I hope for both of us, that once we get out of this shit show and food becomes normal again, that we can love our body and enjoy life to the fullest. And who knows, maybe future you can cut down on the Reese’s a tiny bit, or not, your call.
To anyone else struggling, or as I often do, feeling invalid, especially those folks without a diagnosis, those folks who aren’t underweight, those whose stories may be different, I feel you all and you’re all just as valid as anyone else. We all deserve to be free from this nightmare and to enjoy life without much worrying at all. I hope you’re all doing as well as possible and much love to this community from my end. I’m sure I’ll be right back here with another post asking for reaffirmation or reassurance. But for now, I just hope you enjoyed the read, just something I had to let off my chest.

I blacked out by the pool in Mexico. Too much to drink, not enough food and heat stroke. Don’t remember getting out of the pool and my friends didn’t know where I was for about 15 minutes till they saw staff putting me in a wheelchair. There were so many people there and I’m terrified because literally ANYTHING could have happened in that 15 minutes. No one knows if I was in the elevator, the bathroom or anywhere else. A Canadian Dr helped my friends with me. I’m humiliated and ashamed. It’s been two days and I still feel dizzy, cold and weird. This was my nightmare last night:
Dream:
Young blond mom on the couch with her kids jumps at a sound from upstairs scaring her two kids. Then laughs apologetically telling the kids “I forgot we have cats 😅.” Her narrator voice says “this is me. I have memory problems and sometimes it causes problems with the kids.” The scene changes to her driving with her kids beside her and her narrator voice says “sometimes I think about something and have to remember to fix my face before it scares them.” Her face drops and she starts crying but fixes her face as soon as the kids look up at her. Then the scene changes to looking into the windows of an urban gym building where a big creepy dead looking guy leads a black and white cow down the stairs inside and around the corner so only the rump is visible and then a flame thrower engulfs the cow in flames and it’s charred rump disappears as he drags it out of view. Two more big creepy men come down the stairs with their gym bags and go around that corner. In my mind, they were going to be served a beef meal, but the view changes as if I’m inside standing next to the creepy gym men looking into the room the cow was dragged into. There is no cow though. There is a dark room lined with lockers, a step up and a desk to the right on the raised part of the room. An evil being, like a man with no arms, his muscular legs with gym socks are full of syringes sticking out all over with blood trickling down them, his body is unstable, shifting and morphing a sickly whitish blue grey with veins and light crawling all over him. He has no right arm and a stump for a left arm with more bloody syringes sticking out of his shoulder and the stump. His whole body writhing with the crawling light. He steps up on the platform and turns around. His head is misshapen and he has big gross buggy eyes all over his face that are morphing in shape, size and bulge until they settle into two big gross eyes roughly where a human’s should be still pulsating and bulging. He looks at us and says something like “I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE WORKING HARD TO BRING HIM OUT!!! What are all of YOU doing?” And as he’s saying all that a little blue stone like humanoid creature with a big head a stocky blocky body appears out of his head and dances triumphant down his arm that sprouted while he was talking. There is electricity and lights crackling down the arm and around the creature. Around the whole body of gross guy who now has both arms. I don’t know what the creature is, but I know it’s evil.😈 it actually looked a little like the devil emoji. Me and the two big creepy gym dudes are scared. Then I am the blond mom walking into a lobby, a big room with maroon carpet and couches all spaced apart around the perimeter and a frosted glass ceiling with plants growing all over the outside of it so you can only see them like shadows. The back wall is open and you can see jungle outside. I know this is an asylum and I’m there to see my husband. There are people wrapped in blankets on each couch. One dark haired evil man to the left on a couch facing into the room with a desk in front of it is still as stone staring blankly, there is someone on the couch immediately to my left who stirs but not much and I can only see them in my peripheral. There is a woman on the couch across from us in a pink robe who is creepily happy but incoherent. And someone on another couch to the right of her sleeping. There are strange advertisements on rectangular signs sitting on the floors between each couch. One is a close up of a used condom and I can’t tell what it says but I’m aware that it is propaganda for the evil little creature. I sit on the couch where my husband is and we are covered with a dark red blanket. We cuddle up and the woman’s narrator voice says “we don’t always get this extra time together but we cherish it when we do.” And I snuggle closer to him and he holds me. We are drifting to sleep but I’m unsettled by the strange people around us. I wake a little and hear the patients mumbling. They are all moving and making sounds now. I’m most terrified by the man that was so still and staring because I thought he was catatonic and kept sedated because he was evil. I woke my husband and he said “it’s ok! We’re just excited because SHE’S HERE!” I look at him terrified and he says, “Well, IT’S here.” And he points to the stars in the sky, “See? MARS is rising!” All the patients are looking and pointing at the stars. Then I see a huge red planet coming over the horizon and I’m scared. I look up at the frosted glass ceiling and see the silhouette of the little evil being dancing on the ceiling trying to get in and then the creepily happy woman in a pink bathrobe is at our couch and she’s grabbing my feet. I’m terrified and screaming for my husband to get her away. I woke to my boyfriend rubbing his feet on mine telling me it’s just a dream! It’s a dream! Your ok! And I could hear the weird noises I was making trying to scream.
I don’t want any more nightmares and I don’t want to remember what happened.

I see so many trans people talk about passing as a binary yes/no question like either you pass or you don't and if you pass to one person you pass to everyone and if one person says you pass and someone else doesn't then someone is lying and frankly I think passing when you're in the middle of your transition is like 40-60% on you and 60-40% what your observers are bringing to the table.
Like there's the obvious stuff:
Where do you live? I know I've seen posts from trans women talking about having an easier time passing in majority conservative areas where a man would never be caught dead in a dress so if you're in a dress and don't have a beard then you're read as a woman.
Do you pass better in pictures or IRL? Some people post only their most flattering angles and get mad about being hugboxed by people who don't see things that are visible in a 360. Other people have traits that are "obvious" if you're used to staring at pictures of trans people all day to decide if they pass that never get noticed IRL because they have body language down.
But also so much of it just comes down to the individual you're interacting with and what their experience is. Maybe your cashier has worse eyesight than you expected. Maybe the librarian had a butch aunt so she's always looking to build connections with butches. Maybe the grocery store clerk is an incel who's the only person in fifty miles who actually pays that much attention to jawlines. Maybe you look a bit like the bus driver's sister who has a strong jaw too. Maybe the light in the movie theater happened to create a shadow on your neck that looked like an adam's apple to the attendant, who is also on the shorter side himself. Maybe the guy at the dog park has a high pitched voice too. Maybe the lady at the gym just moved here from Utah and is still very worried about the transes.
Last election, I went up to one desk and the worker there called me "sir" and then passed me along to the next worker who called me "ma'am". Neither one of them hesitated or gave me any kind of looks or gave me any reason to believe they were doing anything but doing bland polite customer service (I live in an area where calling people "sir" and "ma'am" is common)
So, do you pass? There are a lot of things you can do to hedge your bets and increase your odds of being read the way you want to be read, but at the end of the day, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Way more often than we'd like to admit, whether we pass or not has very little to do with us.

The Battle for Zor'thal
The skies of Zor'thal burned red as the Insectoid swarm darkened the horizon, their shrill war cries piercing the air. Amid the chaos, Commander Sarah Williams stood at the edge of a crumbling barricade, her uniform scorched and tattered. She wiped the soot from her face and looked back at the terrified Zor'thali huddled behind her—a once-proud avian species now reduced to desperate survivors.
"Hold the line!" she shouted, her voice hoarse from days of relentless fighting. Human soldiers, battered but unbroken, snapped to attention, their faces steeled with determination. They had come to Zor'thal not for conquest, but to protect these gentle beings who painted the skies with colors unseen on Earth.
The battle raged on, and the humans fought with a ferocity that defied their exhaustion. Sarah's mind flashed back to a moment when a young Zor'thali child had handed her a small, hand-carved figure of a bird. "For luck," the child had said, eyes wide with hope.
Hours turned into days, and the Insectoids seemed endless. Sarah watched as Corporal James Reed, a seasoned soldier with a heart of gold, charged into the fray to save a wounded Zor'thali elder. He took a hit meant for the elder, his scream lost in the roar of the battle. Sarah's heart clenched, but she pressed on, her duty clear.
Finally, after a brutal final assault, the Insectoids were purged from the area. The battlefield was a graveyard of broken bodies and shattered dreams, but Zor'thal was saved. The Zor'thali wept as they mourned their dead and honored the humans who had fought so bravely.
Years later, at an interstellar summit, the Zor'thali Chancellor stood before a vast assembly. His feathers, once vibrant, were now dull with age, but his eyes shone with gratitude. He recounted the darkest days of the invasion, his voice trembling as he spoke of the human sacrifices.
A Xendari representative, known for his cynicism, interrupted, "Why should we trust the humans? They are known for their aggression and self-interest."
The room fell silent. Commander Sarah Williams, now an ambassador, rose from her seat. Her gaze was steady as she walked to the center of the hall. "When the Insectoids descended upon Zor'thal, they intended to eradicate every living being. We fought not for gain, but because it was the right thing to do. Thousands of our soldiers lie buried on Zor'thal, having given their lives to protect those who could not protect themselves."
She paused, her voice cracking with emotion. "I still carry the figure of a bird given to me by a Zor'thali child. It reminds me of why we fought. For them, for their future."
The Xendari representative, known for his bluster, found himself speechless. The truth hung heavily in the air.
The Defense of Iylara
The lush forests of Iylara were a living tapestry of greens and blues, now marred by the fiery onslaught of the Insectoids. Admiral James Harris stood on a ridge, his heart heavy as he surveyed the burning landscape. The Iylari, an aquatic species known for their wisdom, were fighting a losing battle. Their beautiful coral cities, once vibrant with life, were being reduced to rubble.
"Admiral, we need to fall back," a young lieutenant urged, his voice tinged with fear.
"No," Harris replied firmly. "We hold our ground. We are their last hope."
As the humans dug in, the Insectoids advanced, their insectile drones tearing through defenses. Harris watched as a group of Iylari children, their scales shimmering with tears, were shepherded to safety by human medics. He clenched his fists, determined to give them a future.
The battle was fierce. Harris led charge after charge, his mind a blur of strategy and survival. He saw Lieutenant Davis, barely twenty, carrying an injured Iylari on his back through a hail of enemy fire. Davis fell, his body shielding the Iylari from harm. Harris's chest tightened, but he couldn't afford to grieve—not yet.
After nearly a year of unrelenting combat, the Insectoids were finally repelled. The humans had paid a steep price, but the Iylari were saved. The once-pastoral fields of Iylara were scarred with the memory of their sacrifice.
Decades later, during a historic Galactic Council meeting, an elderly Iylari senator stood to speak. His scales had lost their luster, but his voice carried the weight of lived experience. "When the Insectoids came, we were doomed. It was the humans who stood with us, who fought and died for our freedom."
A Myraxian representative, known for his disdain of human involvement, sneered. "Why should we trust these humans? They are warriors, not diplomats."
The senator's eyes narrowed. "The humans are indeed warriors, but they are also protectors. When the Insectoids ravaged and consumed our forests and slaughtered and ate our people, it was the humans who stood with us. They asked for nothing in return, except to see justice done. I remember a young soldier, David, who carried me from the flames. He was just nineteen Terra years! "
Admiral Harris, now retired and attending as an honorary guest, nodded solemnly. The Myraxian opened his mouth to retort but found no words. The senator's voice trembled as he continued, "David gave his life so I could live. How many of us owe our lives to such sacrifice?"
The assembly was silent, the weight of their debt to humanity undeniable.
The Liberation of Vornax
The frigid plains of Vornax were a harsh and unforgiving battlefield. The Insectoids had invaded, enslaving the crystalline Vornaxians for use as biofuel. General Marcus Lee stood on the front lines, his breath visible in the freezing air. His troops were exhausted, but their resolve was unbreakable.
"General, our supplies are running low," Captain Rodriguez reported, her voice shaking from the cold.
"We can't stop now," Lee replied. "The Vornaxians are counting on us."
As they advanced through the ice and snow, Lee saw the desperation in the eyes of the Vornaxians. They had endured unimaginable horrors, and the humans had come to be their last hope. The humans fought in subzero temperatures, their bodies pushed to the brink, but they never wavered.
One night, as they set up camp, Lee sat by a fire with a young Vornaxian girl who had lost her family. She handed him a small, crystalline shard. "For courage," she whispered, her voice barely audible.
Lee held the shard tightly, feeling the weight of her trust. The next morning, they launched a final assault on the Insectoids hive stronghold. The battle was fierce, and the humans fought with a primal fury. Lee watched as Sergeant Johnson, a father of two, charged into enemy lines to protect a group of Vornaxian prisoners. He fell, but his sacrifice allowed the prisoners to escape.
After two grueling years, the Insectoids were scorched from Vornax. The humans had liberated the planet, but the cost was high. The Vornaxians wept as they buried their saviors, their crystalline tears shimmering in the cold light.
Years later, at a commemoration ceremony on Vornax, an elder Vornaxian spoke before a gathered assembly of intergalactic dignitaries. His voice was filled with emotion as he recounted the sacrifices made by the humans. "They came to us in our darkest hour, not as conquerors, but as liberators."
A Kreeva representative, known for their isolationist views, scoffed. "Why do you honor the humans so? They are known for their imperial ambitions."
General Lee, attending as a guest of honor, stepped forward, his voice steady and powerful. "When the Insectoids enslaved the Vornaxians, we fought and died for their freedom. We did not conquer; we liberated. Thousands of human lives were lost to ensure that the Vornaxians could live free from tyranny."
The elder Vornaxian, crystalline eyes glistening, added, "The humans gave everything so that we could have our future. I still visit the grave of a human soldier who saved my family, who lies buried in our soil as one of our own. His name was Michael, and he was just twenty-three."
The Kreeva representative, usually quick to argue, found himself silent in the face of such conviction and sacrifice. The weight of the moment pressed down on the assembly.
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