What does tiny drops of blood after wiping when urinating mean when pregnant |

The HRRFY.
It’s the horror movie festival where something genuinely fucked happens every year. And I mean every year.
Like, there are some screenings that unleash hordes of bats while the movie is playing. You're free to leave whenever you want, but the movie will still play for 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Other screenings hire actors to turn at you and scream at some point in the movie. You have no idea when, or how many times.
It's a festival where the word "illegal" can't even begin to describe what happens. You'd only attend if you were a young, stupid edgelord like me who was trying to prove he was hardcore to his friends.
Trust me. DO NOT GO.
You have nothing to prove to anyone. Don't be stupid.
Wait for the lamer film versions to come out streaming. That's what everyone else does. They're neutered edits but they're fine.
All they lack is the real gleaming thing everyone wants to see at HRRFY, but who cares. At least you don’t get traumatized. At least you’re not risking your life.
Anyway, if you really want to know what attending HRRFY is like. I’ll be quick and summarize the one screening I went to. It was the 20th anniversary, and I was lucky enough to get in.
***
I had signed up for the HRRFY mailing list, and joined the subreddit. Through a series of cryptic online emails I solved a sequence of riddles and was entered in the lottery for a HRRFY entry.
Lady Luck took a shine to me, because one day in my mailbox, I received a physical ticket. I had done it.
I was going.
The actual ‘ticket’ was a black USB key that announced the location of the festival the night before (which I won’t disclose here) and it did force me to pay for a very expensive flight in order for me to make it on time.
You see, to prevent getting shut down, the location of HRRFY changes every year. Some years the local police have managed to stop it, but for the most part, authorities have given up. What’s the point of arresting or charging anyone, if all the organizers and attendees actually want to be there?
Upon arrival, I had to pick between three participating theaters.
Based on title alone, I decided to go see “Many Drownings” (directed by Oleksander Gołański.) It was in the theater that was furthest away from the downtown core, which meant it was likely the one where the craziest shit was bound to happen.
That’s what I came here for right?
I lined up a solid two hours before the screening like everyone else. The entire line was jittering, just vibrating with excited twenty-somethings. Rumors flew left and right.
“I heard they’re going to force everyone to take acid.”
“I heard an actor’s gonna run in and shotgun the ceiling.”
“I heard they’re going to disappear like four more people this year. At this screening!”
Each year people disappeared. And each year the same people were ‘found.’ And yes this is the worst part, and why should never, ever, ever go to this event.
Again I will repeat myself. DO NOT GO.
No one has ever truly gone 'missing' at HRRFY in any legal or physical sense, because every missing person always shows up a day later, convinced that they are fine—refusing to elaborate further.
There are some small support groups for people who have family members who had gone to HRRFY, and came back irrevocably changed after being ‘found.’
These few unlucky people lose all semblance of personality. They don’t want interviews, or help, or therapy, or contact of any kind. And they never, ever want to talk about what they saw.
Some HRRFY fans think that these ‘found’ people were body-snatched. Cloned in a lab or replaced by a cyborg, or something stupid like that.
But I think there’s a far simpler explanation. The ‘found’ are still the same people. They're just terrified. They got shaken by something that shattered the foundation of their mind, body and soul. They got too scared.
They got HRRFY’d.
***
I should mention I had a cough the day I went. And I was worried my sickly appearance might give me trouble at the airport.
So I invested in an intense double N95 mask which I wore for the whole flight, and continued to wear even at the screening of “Many Drownings.”
It made my face hot and uncomfortable, but it still didn’t stop me from yelling “excuse me, excuse me!” as I ran to snag a seat in the back of the theater.
I always preferred sitting in the far back. You get a good view of the whole screen, and a good view of the whole audience.
Beside me sat a big dude named Sylvester, who apparently flew all the way from Australia to attend HRRFY.
“Worth the full Seventeen hours mate! It’s gonna be epic!” he dropped a massive camping backpack beside me, which I assume contained all of his luggage.
The lights dimmed, and the production company logos started to play.
The whispering, giggling and suspense all stacked upon each other to create an electric feeling in the air. I was giddy. It's like the entire audience was embarking on a massive roller coaster.
The anticipation was the best part for sure. It might have been the only good part.
Then the movie started.
It was a wide shot of a gray, stormy sea. The waves were massive, and the thunderclouds were looming. There was no land visible in any direction.
All we could hear was the sound of waves foaming, swirling, and crashing over and over. Lightning crackled. Rain poured. The camera held perfectly still over this storm as if it was mounted on a perfectly hovering drone. A drone so resilient that it didn’t waver at all.
I thought it had to be CGI.
The shot held like this for the next few moments. Everyone sat glued to their seats. Everyone was thinking the same thing.
What’s going to happen? How are they going to scare us?
People chuckled. People cheered. People wanted to tease whatever was going to happen—to happen already.
But nothing did.
Five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes went by without any change. People started snoring.
I looked beside me and saw that Sylvester—the most excited audience member of them all—had fallen totally asleep. The jet lag must’ve gotten to him.
Then I peered beyond the rest of the audience members and saw other people snoozing too. Heads were keeled over, some people were curled in their seats, some had even spilled out into the aisle and were dozing on the floor.
I looked above the bright screen, at the huge vents in the corner of the theater. I saw a faint white gas emerging from the vents.
Holy shit. What have we been breathing? I tightened the straps on my N95 mask, and made my breathing shallower.
The gas must have been pumping since the opening credits—because how else would an audience of two hundred people all fall asleep?
As I moved my hand through the air in front of me, I could sense the thickness. It was definitely hazier than usual. I took the scarf off my neck and wrapped it around my mouth as well.
Then I spotted movement in front of the screen.
It was a tall blonde man, wearing a black trenchcoat and military-grade gas mask. Beside him arrived six hazmat suits who started pointing at various audience members.
I slunk in my chair, pretending to sleep like everyone else.
Two hazmats walked over to the front row and picked out a sleeping guy in flannel. They lifted flannel up, under the armpits and by his ankles, carrying him between them both like a hammock.
The hazmats walked back up to the stage, where the blonde leader inspected the flannel man and tapped his head. Something was approved?
The hazmats began to swing flannel back and forth, as if they were getting ready to toss him. Despite their masks, I could hear a very muffled, very distant countdown.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“One…”
The flannel audience member was tossed into the screen.
I literally watched him fly into the image of stormy waves … andfallinto them. The flannel man sank into the gray water like a rock, leaving a few bubbles and foam. A wave came crashing down. All trace of him was gone.
What the fuck.
All six hazmats began grabbing more audience members with much more urgency. It became a minute-long process where they would pick the sleeping person up, bring them beside the screen, and then swing-toss them into it.
How was this possible?
I turned slightly to see if there was a projector above me, and realized there was none. Which meant maybe there was no screen on stage.
Which meant … maybe it was a portal?
I tried to wake Sylvester by shaking him. I pinched his leg and arm a bunch.
He was out cold.
The hazmats started grabbing audience members from the middle rows now. They were emptying the whole theater. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I waited until they grabbed another batch, only a few rows down from me. When all hazmats had their backs turned—I broke into a run.
With my left arm, I tightly gripped my mask and scarf against my face, while my right arm vaulted me over seat after seat.
I had never breathed so hard—through so much fabric—in my life.
The hazmats all turned to me. “Hey! Hey!” But their hands were full with their next victims.
I ran all the way down the aisle, to the big exit sign on the left. My heartbeat filled my head. My plan was to dropkick through the exit door.
I imagined myself breaking through like some flying gazelle.
I jumped.
I angled my kick.
It might as well have been a brick wall. I fell ass-first to the ground, followed by my head. Of course the door was locked.
Through a muffled mask I heard a sneering scoff.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Above me stood the one wearing a trenchcoat. I could see his piercing gray eyes through his gas mask.
I rolled aside and tried to run by him. He lifted a foot and tripped me without effort.
My forehead bashed into an empty seat. It dazed me.
The blonde leader bent down and grabbed me by the neck, tearing away my scarf and mask.
“No! No!”
A sweet, ether-like smell filled my nostrils. I did my best to hold my breath, but I could already feel myself getting light-headed.
The other hazmats joined in, grabbing me from all sides. Even if I had the strength to struggle, there was no escape now.
Above me, all I could see was the dark theater ceiling, and some of the light behind me from the cinema screen.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“No. Please. Don’t do thi—”
SPLASH.
I was plunged deep into cold, wet chaos. My head was completely underwater.
Gagging. Bubbles. Spinning.
I fought for dear life, dog-paddling like a maniac.
Churning. Freezing. Panic.
For a second, my head popped above the water. I inhaled all the air my lungs could muster. I stared across a vast, violent ocean.
An enormous thirty foot wave came in my direction.
My whole body lifted higher and higher as the wave approached. I did my best to tread water. It seemed to be working.
Then a series of smaller waves arrived and smacked my chest.
SPLASH.
Spinning. Kicking. Flipping.
My view alternated between the pitch dark ocean beneath me, and the moonlit night sky above.
Again I swam to the surface, popped my head out. Ravenously sucked in air.
There was a small lull in the water.
Around me I now registered the other theater goers. Most of them were lying face-down or sinking … but a few were flapping about like me, fighting for their life.
And above all of us, a floating white shape.
It was painfully bright, I had to lift one hand to look at it.
My jaw dropped.
It was the movie screen, hanging completely still in the air. It showed a dark, empty theater. The exact same theater we all occupied moments ago.
It was tremendously high, above all of our heads. There was no way of reaching it.
Then I saw another thirty foot wave come our way. It grazed the bottom of the screen.
I knew what had to be done.
***
One of the theater goers happened to be on a college swim team. She was the first one able to traverse one of the giant waves and climb into the screen.
Once she was up there, she found a firehose in the theater and reeled it out to us like a rope.
One by one, we swam as hard as we could, praying to God we could reach the rope. Everyone’s energy was sapped. Your body can only sustain itself on adrenaline and fear for so long.
By some miracle, five of us got out.
I was the last.
I climbed the rope coughing and vomiting. I had swallowed so much water that my stomach felt swollen.
When I reached the top and they pulled me into the screen, I sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying.
My life had flashed countless times before my eyes. In bubbling, suffocating visions, I saw both my parents and my brother. I saw my highschool graduation. I saw my favorite Christmas from when I was six years old.
I had almost lost all of that. I had lost almost everything.
On the dirty, carpeted theater floor, I lay with my face down, savoring the fact that I now lay on a hard surface. God bless ground. God bless this filthy, popcorn-strewn ground.
Beside me I heard bantering, hugging, the wringing of wet clothes. Sylvester was the second last to be saved, and he was particularly vocal.
“Wooooooaaaaahh!” He came and drummed me on the back, lifted me up. “Oh my god dude! Holy shit!”
I sat on my knees, wiping the tears and snot off my mouth.
Sylvester clapped his hands, held his face and screamed some more.
“Holy shit dude! That was so fucking scary! Like literally people were dying beside us. Like I SAW people die!”
I nodded, shivering in my drenched clothes. “ I know it was—”
“—That was craaaaazy!”
He laughed and stood up, patting everyone on the back. He kept clapping his hands like this was some sports event.
“That was sick! That was siiiiiiiiick!”
He ruffled someone’s hair then ran up to me with an open palm.
“High five dude! WE MADE IT! High five!
“Don’t leave me hangin’ dude!”

Expedition Yeltomar
Frank, a human male in his middle ages, sits in the pilot seat of the small single occupant shuttle. It had been a rather challenging descent so he was taking this time to catch his breath and settle his nerves. The Zeno-biologist has been exploring planets for the past year, jumping from system too system, cataloging planets for the galactic federation. He has already cataloged 3 other life bearing planets in the last 17 systems but this one was by far the most challenging.
Star system 2B38A-22 is a fairly mundane system with a larger K-class orange dwarf star at its heart. It contains a single gas giant and a common ice giant in its outer system with the molten metallic core of another gas giant circling in a 15 day orbit of its parent star. Just farther out is the planet he is currently landed on, being a sizable heavy gravity terrestrial world of 2.8 galactic standard gravity and having an unusually dense atmosphere of 8.1 galactic standard.
Frank takes a deep breath and pulls himself out of the seat. The high gravity of this world was proving difficult to fight against after his time in deep space. 'I really need to get more exercise. I'm getting weak here.'; he says too himself. Being an Earth born human, this world is only 1.6 times the gravity of Earth, so should not be this hard to manage. Walking slowly over too the science station he starts taking readings on the atmosphere of the planet too see if he will need the bulky atmosphere isolation suit, or just the re-breather. 'Hmmm. 40% Oxygen, 30% Carbon dioxide, 22% Methane, trace amount of Nitrogen, Neon, Helium, other gasses too low to make out. That's a novelty. Gravity and atmospheric pressure high enough to hold onto Helium.'; he thinks, starting to get into his elements again.
'Dangerously low biodiversity, mostly grasses and a few types of larger shrub and tree analogs. The limited animal life seems to be almost entirely evolved to use some type of flight. Almost no ground based life. But seems to be a stable marine biodiversity. Signs of a recent mass extinction event, no more then 1000 stellar cycles ago. No signs of civilization detected. No ruins or any forms of technology detected. Anomaly? Hmmm. What type of anomaly? Electromagnetic/Radio-logical. Odd... Close by as well. I'll have to check that one out.'; he reads off in his head. The results read out by the sensors were a bit erratic, changing a bit randomly as he watched them. The thick atmosphere and the shifting magnetic field of the planet are having negative effects on the shuttles sensors, making them unreliable.
"The atmosphere should be breathable, even without the re-breather. That's a nice change. But that high methane level will probably stink. Not so sure about the density though. It's thick as soup out there. Might want the re-breather just in case. Temperature seems fine and there isn't anything dangerous in the atmosphere so won't need the suit at least. Thank goodness for that. Wasn't looking forward to trying to move around in that bulky thing in this gravity."; Frank was starting too think out loud again. Being out here in unexplored space was starting to get too him. "Did you get the info dump Bimni? Is the info matching up with your reading up there?"; Frank calls out, having pushed the comms button in the science lab.
BrightEyesAtSea is a female Adelie Astor-geologist who is unfortunately stuck in their "mother-ship" due too the Adelie being unable to handle high gravity planets. She was quite displeased to say the least. So many different interesting mineral combinations to study and she was stuck ship side. Bimni was a name the human, Frank, had said when trying to shorten her name and it just kind of stuck. Not that she minded, but why couldn't he just use her full name? "Reading different up here. Not seeing that anomaly reading either. Blasted electromagnetic interference."; she Warbles out. The translation software working well to convert her Adelie churrs into human guttural speech, and vise verse. "This one is your call. You've got the more accurate atmospheric readings. Not sure about the rest. Something is off on this world, the chemistry just does not add up."
That did not bode well. If Bimni was having bad feelings, then he needed to be careful. Her gut feelings had proven more accurate then any sensor. "Noted. I'll be careful when out and about. Just keep Rover warmed up and send him down if anything goes wrong."; Frank responds in turn. Rover was a military robotic mech that, despite many attempts at reprogramming, they were not able to tone down its brutishly aggressive responses to stimuli. So they never use it for anything but hazardous environments or when things go wrong. "Just be sure to grab as many mineral samples as you can fit onto the shuttle. It would be so much easier if I could just be down there.": Bimni responds with a huff. Frank can feel her telepathic annoyance even from this range, so she must be truly furious about being stuck ship side.
Finding no other reasons to postpone this, Frank grabs the re-breather and walks, still slowly, over too the airlock. "Alright Bimni. I'm heading out. I'll keep in touch with you using the shuttle as a relay. Hopefully the interference doesn't get too bad."; Frank says after after linking up the mobile comms earpiece to the shuttles antenna. It's not like he was going to go far from the shuttle anyways. Not in this gravity. Just far enough to reach that anomaly. Cycling the airlock, he steps inside. Deciding to wait on the re-breather for now, he clips it too his belt. He would see how bad the atmosphere was and decide from there. Pushing the cycle button, he waits for the airlock to balance atmospheres with the outside, getting a taste of the atmosphere in the process.
As the airlock finishes cycling and opens, Frank is hit with the thick humid atmosphere and the raw smell of methane. Huh. The smell was not as bad as he thought it would be. But the thick humid air was another matter. "It's like pea soup out here."; Frank comments. "I could almost swim in this stuff. But at least its not hard too breathe." Bimni quickly responds with; "Gee thanks. Now I want a bowl of pea soup, and you know we ran out 5 cycles ago." She didn't sound any happier after that comment. "Well sorry for making you hungry, with all the good food being on the mother ship and me only having excursion rations."; he jokes back at her hoping to at least lessen her bad mood. "The only solace I have for being stuck up here."; Bimni coos back, seeming to have lost at least some of her bad mood.
Frank takes his first steps out of the airlock onto this new world and... \*SPLAT\* feels something wet and soft hit his head and slide down his side. Lifting a hand up to wipe the side of his head, he is met with a slimy substance with bits of plant matter and something else. Tentatively, he takes a sniff; "Fraaack...."; Frank lets out with a sigh. Looking up he sees a 2 meter long gasbag creature with undulating manta ray like wings slowly swimming away high above him. "First steps out of the shuttle and I get crapped on by an alien."; he says with a bit of disgust. This is quickly answered with a trilling chuckle from Bimni though the comms. "Not a word."; he says too Bimni, who continues to chuckle even louder. Retracing his steps back up to the shuttles airlock, he reaches inside and grabs one of the rag towels and wipes off the droppings from his head and side. What a great start this is...
20 minutes later, Frank has already loaded several unique looking rocks into the shuttle for Bimni to examine later and has determined that there are in fact TWO types of grass in the surrounding area. Wow. And what is that? Another one of those elongated gasbag creatures high above. Both of the grasses are very similar too each other it seems, both being nearly black in color too absorb as much of the very dim light given off by the orange sun in the sky as possible. It is quite dim out despite it being close too mid day with the sky being completely clear. The thick atmosphere dispersing a lot of the light and giving everything a red orange tint with blues being quite faint. In the distance he can see a cluster of shrubs that look like thick orange coral with yellowish black balloon like gas bags growing out of the ends of each branch. And beyond that, in the general direction of the anomaly readings, there is an unusual rock formation overgrown with some type of plants.
"Still not much too see here Bimni, other then a few odd rocks here and there. I grabbed several samples for you already before you ask. The lack of diversity here is quite disconcerting."; Frank comments to Bimni through the comms. In response he only hears the faint crunching of whatever she had found to munch on while he did all the hard work down here. "Still making my way towards the anomaly. Hopefully there will be something interesting there. At least the bushes ahead are something different. Seem to be a thick stemmed Ficus analog with inflated leaf structures that look like balloons. Some type of adaptation to the high gravity I'm sure."; he continues the running dialog he's been trying to keep up since the gasbag poo incident. Though it has been hard too due with how little there has been to discuss.
Closing in on the bushes, they are in fact, just as he though. Similar to a ficus with thick stems, and the leaves are gas filled balloon like structures that hold up the stems. Really not much to look at other then being completely alien with a fascinating symbiosis with a few benign bacteria that seem to produce the gas that fills its leaves. A sudden sound diverts his attention. Frank looks up just in time to track an unusual 1 foot long bird like creature taking off from the ground in a hurry. The creature has 2 pairs of feathered wings attached too a bird like body, a long swan like neck with a bird like beaked head that hangs down below it's body, no legs, and 2 highly aerodynamic gasbags on it's back. This bird is already moving fast and accelerating even faster as it moves at a right angle too him. "That's a new one. A bird like life form. Has both 2 sets of feathered wings and a pair of gasbags for lift. It's fast too!"; he excitedly says too Bimni.
His excitement is short lived though, as a loud POP is heard and a 3 clawed tentacle is suddenly attached through the birds gasbag, holding onto the bird. This tentacle is in turn part of a large wing shaped creature with an open mouth, filled with sharp teeth, attached too the bottom of its wing shaped body. The bird is quickly dragged backwards towards the open mouth and swallowed hole. The whole time this flying wing creature is rippling with different colors like an earth cuddle fish. Before Frank can even exclaim about it, there is a soft booming sound as trails of faint smoke start to come out of a cylindrical shaped bulge on each side of the wing shaped creature before it shoots forwards at high speed, climbing up upwards again before it's body ripples with color one last time then seems to fade into the sky as its body color quickly matches the color of the sky.
"By all that's holy! Your not going to believe this one..."; Frank says in a hushed tone. His excitement replaced with caution and a bit of fear. "There's a flying predator here that can camouflage to match the sky. Damn thing appeared in the sky out of no where and then was gone from sight just as quickly. Wolfed down that bird like you do with those sardines you like so much."
"Are you safe?"; Bimni responds with honest concern in her squawking voice.
"I think so. Don't see that thing anywhere. But you better make sure Rover is ready too launch on a moments notice in case that thing comes back. The damn thing seemed to be jet powered as well."; Frank responds, still a bit shaken up. He was not expecting anything like that, he wasn't going to lie. Looking around him, there was no shelter nearby other then the rock formation ahead.
"Can you take shelter for a bit somewhere? Just in case it's still around?"; Bimni asks, sounding quite concerned as she preps Rover for immediate launch.
"There's no where too take shelter. Closest is that rock formation. Hopefully there is some place to shelter near there."; Frank responds, not feeling very confident. But it's that or make a break for the shuttle, a good 15 minutes away though the open grasses.
"Do it. And by the gods, keep your human senses open!"; Bimni blurts out.
Frank didn't even bother with a response. He went into a full jog, the fastest he could move in the high gravity of this world. Even with his crazy human endurance, he was all too quickly winded and forced too slow down as he neared the rock formation. Finding an overhang with a shallow but human sized indent under it he ducks into it. It might not be much, but at least he only need to worry about what's in front of him now. "I'm there... Found a... overhang. In shelter."; he panted out. "No sign... of danger." He hasn't felt this winded since he used to run marathons back on Earth.
Having taken a moment to catch his breath again, Frank places his hands on the sides of the indent he's tucked into and only now realizes something is off. Pulling his eyes away from looking for danger, he glances at the surfaces around him. Too smooth. He runs his hands along it again and can feel the seams of... construction? "Uh Bimni? This rock formation is not natural. It was constructed."; he says in a slow quiet voice.
"What? Someone carved it?"; she asked. Frank ran his hands along the underside of the overhang while watching for danger, feeling the framework and paneling that was used too construct it. Metal. "No. It's a structure of some type. It's made of metal."; he responds. No ruins or technology my arse! "Wish you were down here even more now, your better with this stuff."
"I'm sending down Rover. I'll put it on manual and pilot it remotely myself."; Bimni states with a sharp chirp, leaving no room for argument. "Yeah, that's a good idea."; Frank responds softly. "I'll wait until Rover touches down before I start exploring. Don't need that big flying wing to catch me off guard."; he replies back.
Frank remains under the ledge while he waits for Rover to drop in, but luckily it's only a matter of a few minutes and the mech descends too the ground, curled into a ball, and under parachute. The mech is ready to go, being able to survive entry without the shuttle thanks to it's built in heat shield. Rover unrolls and stands up, being half the height of Frank, walking on 4 legs, with a manipulate arm on its back. With Rover there to help guard, Frank is able to leave his impromptu shelter. "Nice aim there Bimni. Landed Rover within meters."; he says to Bimni, a bit impressed. "Are you detecting anything new with Rovers sensors?"; Frank asks.
"Only getting the same reading, anomaly."; Bimni's voice comes from the speaker built into Rovers frame. "Now where did you find the metal?"; she asks as Frank gestures Rover over too the underside of the overhang and the indent he was tucked into before. "Back here, and above us. These surfaces are unnatural and the underside of this overhang is metal."; Frank points out.
Bimni pilots Rover under the overhang and uses the manipulator arm, with its light, to examine the surfaces more closely. "hmmm. Fascinating. These surfaces are of an alloy I've never seen before."; she says with a chirp of interest. As she is maneuvering to look at different parts of the surface, she accidentally bumps Rover into a panel on the side of the indent. There is a groaning noise from the back wall before the wall just as suddenly slides sideways revealing an opening. A soft glow is comming from inside along with the sounds of running machinery.
Giving each other a quick glance, both Frank, and Bimni piloting Rover, step in through the open doorway too figure out what is inside. There is a short corridor that leads too a room filled with softly glowing lights and what can only be a computer control room of some sort. Everything is marked with an alien language that is completely undecipherable. "Now this is interesting. And it's still running. Can you make anything of this?"; Frank says too Bimni before going to oe of the control panels and trying to figure out what it says. He doesn't notice Bimni's lack of response as he touches one of the displays.
There is a quick flash of the dim lighting in the room before all the sounds in the room go quite and the light turn off. "Did I touch the wrong thing?"; Frank asks. "Bimni, any idea? Bimni?"; he asks before turning around too see Rover standing un-moving in the corridor. "Hello. Bimni, you there?" There is no response but suddenly there is a burst of of some form of energy that even Frank can feel and an alarm starts blaring. Think now is the time to leave, Frank turns to Rover and grabs the handle on its back, pushing on it to try and get Rover's tactile override to move it. He's a bit grateful when it starts to back up through the corridor as its supposed to.
Once back outside, in the open air, there is a beep, as Bimni is able to reconnect too Rover. "What happened? I suddenly lost signal with Rover and lost your signal as well frank."; Bimni keels out, sounding quite worried.
"Not sure. Rover just stopped moving in the corridor while I was inside the room on the other side. Maybe some kind of shielding or interference?"; Frank responds while the alarm can still be clearly heard in the background.
"What did you do?"; Bimni demands now that the alarm sound can be heard clearly by her as well. "Nothing. I was just trying to see what the panels were and touched one, then the whole thing shut down and the alarm started going off. A growl is heard through Rovers speakers; "You humans have no common sense! You touch everything without even thinking..."; Bimni grumbles out. Frank can only shrug his shoulders sheepishly, can't really fight ones nature.
Any further comments from either of them is cut short as a pair of dragon like creatures land heavily beside them and let out a roar. These creatures are close too 4 feet tall at the shoulders, standing on four thin legs with 4 toed clawed feet. They both are black in color with thin, spindly looking bodies that are covered in very short, dense fur. They have a pair of wings on their back that are larger then their bodies and shaped like the wings of an albatross, and a single row of wide scales running along their backs from the top of their head too half way down their tail. The larger of the two stands up on it's hind legs and starts making shooing motions with its front legs and wings as it takes steps towards them. It is making strange animal vocalizations while it is doing this, sounding like many different animals, most unknown, but some sounding strangely familiar.
Bimni readies to defend Frank using Rover, but a quick gesture by Frank delays her. "Lets back away slowly and see how they respond first."; Frank says as he starts to back away from the structure. Begrudgingly, Bimni follows suit, backing Rover away from the building as well. Their actions are rewarded by the larger creature moving to stand in front of the open passage and crossing its front legs, like it is standing guard. The smaller of the two slips behind the larger one and hurries into the structure, still moving on all four legs. As it slips past, and into the structure, a series of marking can be seen over its back legs and tail. They are green in color and resemble lightning or electricity.
A loud series of animal noises is heard coming out from inside the structure. The larger creature blocking the passageway leans down, without taking its eyes off Rover and Frank and barks a series of noises back into the structure in turn. As it does this, marking can be seen on the sides and back of this creature as well, this time a red flame like pattern can be seen. A quick series of flashes is seen from the corridor and the sound of the alarm is silenced followed by the sounds of machinery starting up again. The smaller creature exits the structure shortly after, using its tail to hit the panel too close the doorway as it exits. Both creatures are now standing there staring at Frank and Rover, not looking too happy.
The smaller of the two creatures standing in front of Frank and Bimni turns too the larger one and lets out a series of barks, pops, clicks, and whistles which the larger one turns its head slightly towards it and gives off a purr sound. The smaller one stands up on it's hind legs and stretches up to rub it's nose on the chin of the larger one before dropping down too all 4 legs again and slipping behind the other. It quickly moves away from everyone and launches its self into the air with some visible effort, flying away on it's long thin wings.
"So what do you think Bimni? They don't seem like animals too me. Their actions seem a bit too civilized."; Frank says too Bimni, with a strange echo. "You think they are the ones who built this structure?"; Bimni responds with no echo from Rovers speaker. "I'm not sure. They might also be another species that found the structures already here."; Frank says with that odd echo again, while turning towards Rover. "I'm not sure."; is repeated in Franks voice. Frank freezes, looking around. Bimni also hears that, and has Rover turn completely around too scan the area. The creature in front of the structure has uncrossed it's front legs and is now standing less defensively with its head cocked too the side.
"I'm not sure."; is said again in Franks voice. This time it is definitely coming from the creature in front of the structure, as it tips its head too the other side. "Did it just copy your voice?"; Bimni asks, having turned Rover to face the creature again. "I think it did."; Frank responds, with no echo. Raising one of his hands up he points at himself and says; "Frank", then points at Rover and says; "Rover". Finally giving an open handed gesture towards the creature, he waits for a response. The creature seems to think about it for a bit and is about to give a response but suddenly turns it's head too the side as three more of the creatures fly in and land nearby.
One of the three that lands is the smaller one with green markings from earlier. Another is only slightly larger with blue markings that look like lightning, while the third is much larger. The largest of the three is even larger then the one standing in front of the structure. It has bright yellow flame markings on it's sides and tail and is carrying some sort of device. All three of them stand up on their hind legs shortly after landing and start talking to each other and the one that was there already quite heatedly. An unusual combination of different animal noises, mixed with pops, whistles, and barks and exchanged before the one at the structure stops and points at Frank and says; "Frank", then at Rover and says; "Rover" in a perfect imitation of Franks voice.
"Well, that settles it. If there was any doubt about intelligence..."; Bimni says after the obvious display. As soon as Bimni speaks, the largest of the beings taps a few times on the device it has and a projection appears above the device like a video screen. On this projected screen is the world they are standing on, seen from high orbit. The projection begins playing a video of sorts that shows a world lush with life. None of which has been seen anywhere. The video changes view, showing different versions of the 4 beings on different parts of the world, with cities and lots of advanced technology around them. Then the view changes again too high orbit where a powerful solar flare is shown flashing over the planet with several chunks of metalic asteroids being swept along with it.
The view changes again so the beings running in terror and crowding into bunkers and sturdy structures as asteroids rain down in fireballs, exploding high in the thick atmosphere. The sky turns flames as the atmosphere is ignited by the asteroids. The view changes again to a few survivors making their way out of bunkers to find a world flattened and burned empty. The view changes to high orbit again, but the view is getting closer too the planet as if what is giving the view is falling towards the planet. The lush planet appears burned barren and brown as the view goes static as the view source starts to burn up as well. Finally the view shifts too the few survivors giving up everything they have to build structures like the one in front of them as plants start to grow around the structures in slowly increasing circles. The 4 beings all turn too look at Rover and Frank while the one in front of the structure points at it then sweeps it's hands around at the general area.
Several days go by with the beings on the planet, soon known to call themselves Yeltarians, surprisingly quickly learning how to use the human language. Their own language involving implied meaning, and the sounds produced expressing that meaning instead of words. With the language barrier broken, the Yeltarians were able to fully explain what happened too their world. A massive solar flare had shattered the dieing inner planet of their system, flinging chunks of the planet outwards with the flare its self. Between the flare and the following planetary chunks, they had set the atmosphere ablaze, catastrophically altering the atmospheric composition. Most non aquatic life was decimated in the initial inferno while much more of the remaining life on the planet slowly dieing off from the atmospheric changes.
When the Yeltarian survivors finally left their bunkers, they found a world leveled by fire and chocked off by a nearly un-breathable atmosphere. Using all their advanced knowledge, the survivors hatched a plan to save both themselves and their world. A massive terraforming project over their entire planet. They built hundreds of terraforming machines around the world using every available scrap and surviving piece of technology they could find. Then to give their planet a chance to heal, they turned to their own culture and shifted it from a materialistic high tech one, to a minimalist druidic society. All this, just to save as much as they could of what life remained.
But the remaining biodiversity of their world is too low, and they continue to loose species to disease and failed genetic alterations. Their world will not last much longer with how few living things remain. Even their terraforming equipment is starting to fail. So this leaves them with only one hope, to find suitable life outside of their own world to balance the failing ecosystems. But, they had torn apart their only remaining spacecraft to build the equipment that sustains their world. And they have no way to rebuild them with all their technology regressed to the state it is in now.
They were also willing to explain their race as well. What had once been several different Yeltarian races, had all become one race after the cataclysm. They are of two different sexs, male and female, with the females being larger and stronger in general. While the males tend to be smaller and much lighter, but also faster and more maneuverable in flight. They also explained the meaning of the markings on their bodies. The color doesn't mean as much, but the pattern shows which of the two divergent genetic traits are active in their bodies. All Yeltarians have the genetics to use an organic fire through the production of alcohol in their bodies, and bio-electrics generated by specialized cells in their bodies. But only one of the two genetic traits ever manifests due to a special gene that randomly activates one trait genetic while blocking the other trait genetics when they reach maturity.
"So, would you be willing to help us out? Take one of us with you to help search for compatible life in the depths of space? Too save our dieing world?"; The leader of the local Yeltarians asks Frank and Bimni. "This is our only chance since we are unwilling to give up our dieing world. Our, Yeltomar."

The necropolis was gorgeous, for what it was. Its white outer walls hiding the darker Victorian Gothic interior. The tech that was hidden in the walls though was able to move bodies in their caskets from a designated place in the necropolis to the "viewing area" as the necropolians called it. This was where I waited for my, for lack of a better term, escort to take me to the mortuary. Since science has grown surprisingly fast our abilities for forensic sciences have also grown, and that's to whom I was headed. (S)He was an, unusual (wo)man to say the least. An expert in their field and about as learned as a doctor, if not multi-doctorate. If you ever asked them why they never pursued an actual doctorate, they would get angry and act all prissy while saying that going to school would've slowed them down and all they needed were the basic certificates for their work. The reality though, revealed to me during a drunken bout, they just never liked school and believed that it ultimately stunted a person's growth and ability to question the reality around them, that everything that you need to learn is already in books and in some form or another in digital content online. They were brilliant, if a little wacky. About five minutes after I had arrived and was sitting down in the viewing area, a little box rolled up to me making a couple of beeps to let me know to follow it and immediately started rolling towards the wall opposite of where it came from. When it looked like it was about to hit the wall, a hidden door opened up by the casket viewer, inside was a set of stairs leading down into the darkness. Stepping through the doorway I became acutely aware of sounds seemingly coming from all around me suddenly. It really is impressive, as though I just stepped from a tomb to a busy workshop, the sounds of gas escaping pistons, whirring, and clanking chains flooded my ears. I continued down the stairs following my helpful little box, which despite its size and shape would suggest was actually quite nimble on the stairs. It seemed to have wheels that would extend down to the next step as the edge rolled over it and once the back of the box was clear of the step it would drop back into its squat position, hiding its wheels as quickly as possible. It continued to do so the entire way. The box seemed to notice me watching it and made a kinda shrill whistle and its undercarriage light went from a comfortable yellow to a, is that... Peach? Is it blushing? My god I think it is! I let out a small chuckle and my little blushing box stopped dead in its tracks mid-step, its light suddenly going white, almost blinding me from behind and lighting up the hallway for a split second. Luckily both of my feet were solidly on a step so I didn't take a tumble or anything, but I couldn't help doing anything but laughing harder.

After a second the little box crept up behind me and continued down, its status light continuing to show pinkish. I followed it slowly, the chuckle slowly dying in my throat as we reached Ceriths office. Well "office" was being nice. Morgue, mortuary, both of these fit just as well. Cerith was, for the most part, a recluse. We reached the door and the little robot continued through a little hole in the wall. I waited a second and knocked. "Enter!" Came the voice on the other side. I opened the door and stepped through. Along one wall set doors that normally housed the dead waiting to be processed. One out of dozens were open, its occupant missing from its silver slab. The middle of the room was brightly lit from a single overhead light. In the middle of the circle of light stood a figure, long Raven colored hair bound in a single braided ponytail, the rest of them bound in medical examination garb. They seemed to be engrossed in the corpse in front of them. The little robot rolled up next to Ceriths feet and made a little chiming noise. "Thank you Tabitha. That'll be all," said a voice that was neither male nor female from beneath the mask. Just sort of in the middle. "Tabitha? Never knew you to be sentimental," I said gently, the chuckle in my voice making itself clear. "I see you still find even the darkest things funny," Cerith quipped back. "My line of work Cer, you take the laughs where you get them. Look who's talking anyway, you're usually elbows deep inside someone 25/8. Even you have a seriously fucked up sense of humor." That got Cerith laughing, sounding like thunder and the whip crack of lightning at the same time. "You've got me there Julius," Cerith said after his laughter subsided. I think he suits him today. Which is both a good and bad sign. When Cerith is acting like a man, it usually means some grim news, but they are going to try to make it seem like not a big deal and laugh a lot. Plus they almost never call me Julius. Something was wrong. Very seriously wrong. As this realization hit me I got this odd tingle in the small of my back. Like someone had put several freezing needles under the skin and into my spine, something I'm familiar with from the anima-games from the cyber sphere. Halos: Divine Retribution If I remember right. Those Angels were sadistic bastards. I shuddered at both the memories from the game and the shockingly similar feeling I was experiencing. Dread, that feeling is dread my friend, the quiet part of my mind whispered to me. "Cer, what's wrong bud," I asked. He didn't say anything. For a long time. After a few minutes I was about to ask again, but then he spoke. And what came out will haunt me, quite possibly till the day I die. "This ones temporal lobes are gray matter. Nothing even close to being coherent. Just. Dead neurons. And he's not the first." Gone was the jovialness of the past ten minutes. This was Cerith the whisperer. In an almost dead tone they continued, "the others didn't fare nearly as well as this one. Most of the brain is intact here, which means that if they didn't deliver a massive shock or something similar to fully kill him he would have possibly lived as a vegetable with memory issues, but that's not what I'm looking for in this one here now. Now I'm trying to figure out what else the others had in common with him, and so far that's brought up all but naught. Well this one has a bit of liver damage. But that's about it. So Mr John was a drinker. Not much there." When Cerith is "whispering" the best thing to do is just let him be. But I couldn't help but prick my ears up at mentions of others with similar wounds, and the fact that this one had liver issues.... "Cer. You said... CERITH," I finally snapped out and caught his attention mid ramble. "Thank you. You said liver problems. But nothing similar to the others? No drugs? Alcohol? Not even a synth brain-pattern? You checked Everything?" "Well let's see, John here was a drinker that's for sure," Cerith said his hands never ceasing their work as he started to put 'John' back together seemingly satisfied that he found nothing else, " Mr Lombardo in chest 3 had cocaine mostly, and Mr Lei in chest 9 had opium. Although to tell you where it came from for both I'd have to do a molecular analysis and see what it compares to. Other than that, no. Absolutely nothing connecting any of them. As far as I can tell they are all unique cases completely separate from each other except for the damages to the brain. And I only found this by accident. During a routine scan I happened to look at the screen as it passed through the brain and noticed an odd density in his temporal lobes. Just slightly higher than normal. Hell to be honest with you it had the density of a fresh cutie, you know those little oranges?" I nodded, and he continued, "Right of course you do, who hasn't? Anyways it's just super dense compared to the surrounding tissues, and I take a sliver probe and drop it in like you do. And when I turn the damn thing on to look at the neurons the area all I see are dead cells packed on top of one another. Not natural decay death, but forced to die. Most of the cell walls were torn open like they had blown up from the INSIDE. That's when I called you." He finished up with 'John' putting the final few perfect stitches in place and sealing him up for good. Once he seemed happy with his work he called out to his seemingly empty morgue, "Grom I'm done! Can you put Mr John Doe here back in his room? Number 11 if you please." He turned away from the body on the table and removed the giant rubber gloves that went to his elbows. He walked into the dark calling out over his shoulder, "I'll be back in a sec I gotta scrub out, want a drink? I have beer, whiskey, vodka, I might have some Cognac somewhere, and bourbon. Your choice, just call out what you want and Tabitha will be there with it. Also have a seat! We have much to discuss." With that he disappeared from both sight and sound in the dark. It was a neat trick I have to admit, and it had something to do with how he had his morgue set up. Even the giant war machine that was Grom was absolutely quiet unless you managed to catch him through the gloom. I thought for the longest time the reason why I could never catch him sneaking around was from some sort of stealth program put into place, but when he goes up and down those stairs he's as loud as can be. So it was definitely not his program but the way the morgue was built. I'm confident in saying that because when I turned back to look at the table, or rather where it was, there was now a chair that looked like it had just grown out of the floor and the body was gone. Also the thought of something as big as a fridge just sneaking up on some poor combatants and snapping their necks as quietly as he walks in the morgue just gives me the heebies. As I sat in the chair a thought occurred to me. Considering how advanced the morgue seemed to be it would make sense that it had some sort of AI or integrated computer. "Computer?" I had been here a million times but I'd never had a chance to think about it nor try anything. But not even a second after I had said anything a response came. "Yes Detective Julius. My name is DANNA. Or Dynamically Actualized Neural Net AI. How can I be of service?" The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, slightly feminine and breathy, all service but no sex. Honestly I was just surprised that it worked. "DANNA, I was just wondering if I could take a look at the files that Cerith had mentioned? If it is as bad as they claim I think I might need to know anyway. Also if you can get those blood works done for me I'd appreciate it. Also something with whiskey or rum would be amazing." "Of course Detective. I will have Tabitha bring it shortly. And how would you like the information to be displayed? Desktop or dynamic?" That piqued my interest. "Dynamic please." No sooner than I had said a series of screens blinked into existence in front of me. It was some sort of Holographic display. I reached out and touched the display and was surprised that I got stopped by something. It was hard but surprisingly I found that I could push into the screen with my finger if I pushed hard enough. It kinda felt like... Oobleck. I also found that by pinching the corner I could pull the screens closer or further from me. I even found that I could grab individual pages of the reports off the screen and hold it. It felt like a thin sheet of plastic and responded like both a tablet and a singular document. If I switched pages the old one would appear back onto the screen and the next would pop onto it. This was about as slick a set up as I had ever seen and whistled my appreciation under my breath, I'm definitely going to have to ask Cerith about where they got DANNA from. "See something you like, big boy?" A very DEFINITELY female voice said in my ear from behind, soft and throaty, screaming come hither. I felt small dainty hands gently caress the tops of my shoulders before slipping down the front of my chest, pulling me back into the chair that I didn't realize I had been slouching in. "You know better than that, Jules. Your back is important and slouching will destroy the muscles and cause some to atrophy." The voice left no room for argument, and left me more than a little bit flushed. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back as far as it would go, the back of my head hitting something soft and warm, stretching my neck and back out. "Damnit Cer I thought you were scrubbing out, not completely changing." I hadn't realized it, but at least an hour had passed from when I started playing with the computer and working with the files if the clock on the computer was to be believed. "You looked like you were pretty into it so I decided not to disturb you. Plus you know how much fun it is for me to tease you like this. Especially after, well these..." One hand waved at the screens in front of me. The small hands' nails were painted the darkest black and almost made them blend into the void that existed outside of the screens. "I do Cer, and that's part of the problem, we both know that it's never going to happen. Least of all for you." She laughed a little, a clear beautiful sound and the body beneath my head bounced slightly telling me I was against her stomach. "Still I know you enjoy these little moments," she said, the pressure on the back of my head disappearing and was replaced by the voice right by my ear again as she whispered, "especially when we both know that's not at all true." At the last words she nibbled my ear gently. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her, in spite of my baser instinct rising to meet her VERY juicy insinuations. But for as long as I've known Cerith and as many times as we have both been VERY drunk, they have NEVER cashed in. I just assumed that it was a quirk of theirs. "Anyways," she said standing back up, "what are you thinking so far about the files? Spooky, right? Like I said, nothing that I can see connects them." Her hands gestured in front of me in an approximation of a shrug. She then clasped them together, wringing the knuckles and effectively trapping me in the chair and back against her abdomen. I scrubbed my eyes with my fingertips acutely aware of the growing headache that suddenly made itself known. "Your right from the medical side. I can't see everything you can, of course. I don't have near the knowledge that you have," which is true being that Cerith is at least 200 years old. I never asked directly, the old adage still holding about women and their age. Still though her answers to certain questions would lead one to believe her being her first adult car was a Bing Cherry 2201 Firebird GT with white walled hover trim and chrome accents. From pictures that I could find it looked like a slick piece. Looking back to the screens I couldn't help but feel that itch again. I couldn't explain it. That prickly feeling of ice needles again, this time in the back of my skull. As much as I'd hate to admit it. I think Cerith is right. I sighed heavily before saying "send me everything. I'll open a new case file and have the team start working on it first thing." She made a happy noise and bounced slightly, clearly satisfied with my decision to take it on. I reached out and to my left and a glass was placed gently into my hand by Tabitha. I hadn't even realized she had come over while I was working and was now ready for that drink. Room temperature rum and cola. The drink went down smoothly enough considering I drained the glass in one gulp, during which time I finally got a good eyeful of Ceriths current form. Or rather the underside of part of it. From what I could tell she was wearing a black T-shirt. That was it. I put the glass back down, it's job done without moving my head and said, "What a lovely view Cerith. I'm guessing you chose this to try to get a rise out of me?" I couldn't lie though it was affecting me, but I couldn't let her know that. Not when she's like this. Otherwise she'll continue to tease me till she leaves me with the absolute worst case of blue balls this side of the City. Her hands came up and cupped my chin almost lovingly, and her voice said "Of course Detective. Do you not approve? Or would you rather I change back to my medical examination form? Or something else?" Her words dripped with implied sex. I groaned, loudly, and said, "This is fine. Jesus Cer." Before we could continue our most scintillating of conversations there was a sudden PING! And DANNA said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's a message for you Cerith. It says 'If you can get to the department Cerith, do so. We need you to explain your paperwork. And if Detective Julius is still with you have him come in too.' signed the Chief. Would you like to reply?" 'shit, I forgot the morgue kills all signals,' I thought to myself as I stood up gently (regretfully) prying myself from Ceriths grasp with a, "duty calls. Need a lift?" I stretched gently, the scales in between my shoulders clicking appreciatively for the stretch, and turned around to notice she was indeed, just wearing a black T-shirt that hugged her voluptuous figure closely. The scales in my back clicked shut in surprise. Cerith let out a small cute chuckle, "I see after all this time I can still surprise you," she said blowing a kiss my way, reminding me of a little Gothic pixy. I rolled my eyes away from her and willed my scales to relax. I grabbed my jacket off the back of the chair, slinging it on and clicking the neck clasp shut under the cord that connected my scales to the unit in my head. I was awarded the cybernetics upon completing my training and getting all my licenses to have them. The force had allowed me to customize it, I had chosen top of the line. A dual unit with custom built AI. The individual scales were ceracoated titanium microprocessors all running in both series and parallel, and could move to expel heat or react. The main unit was the same except it was one solid unit that replaced a chunk of skull. Once that was done I zipped up the front of the leathers and ran the scales through the racer setting. They clicked and flattened against the outside of the jacket, securing it to my back. I shrugged making sure it was comfortable. "I'll take the fact that you're only in a t-shirt you'll be along shortly?" "Certainly detective." Her voice was filled with dismissive submission... And sadness? I looked back at her and noticed her makeup was gone. Or had she had any on in the first place? I gave myself a mental shake. There's no way. This was Cerith, veritable goddess of the necropolis. I put the last few minutes away for review later. Chief called. I have to go. On an instinct I thought long dead, I reached out and squeezed her hand. I felt a slight squeeze back. And then she let go with a, "Go on, be a good detective. I'll be along shortly." I left with Tabitha as my guide. Before Cerith disappeared into the darkness I thought I heard her whisper, "please don't leave." My scales raised in a saddened response. I couldn't be sure I heard her right though. If I heard her at all. I reached back and stroked them, knowing my ai probably heard her, and knowing it could feel me touch the scales. After a few seconds the scales settled down. 'I know buddy,' I thought to the AI. It couldn't respond like usual AI. The force thought that was too dangerous. What if it went rogue? What if it tried to kill the host and take over? The list went on and eventually they decided the basics were ok. When I got my unit one of the first things I did was jack it into a diagnostic to see what kind of hardware I was dealing with exactly because manufacturer specs from real use are sometimes different with AI if the bits and bobs are in place. When I did, all I got on the screen was 'Hello?'

The title is a bit clickbaity i know. There is no end of marriage in this life, or failure of it as it is a covenant with God. Perhaps failed relationship is better suited
I debated whether or not to give the backstory, however I feel I will, but first where things are now.
6 months ago my wife asked to for seperation. She wanted "Freedom & Independence" and didnt want to live together anymore and felt that she had been pressured by her Catholic College and family into getting married in the first place (not me but the sacrament). She had been kicking around religious life, but that was more due to her lack of better options as she had struggled with SSA in her life.
We talked, alot and roughly came to the understanding that we would revisit this when our last child was out of the house (we have three all 8-11). She had also wanted to have her "own space" and wanted to build a small tiny house in the backyard where "everything would be how she liked it".
Background
She had relationships with girls in her teens, then a boyfriend who she described as having raped her. I am still struggling to understand what this means exactly as she has given different accounts that vary from consent but then regretted after to more of a consent after relentless asking.
This set her off into full SSA relationships. She then went to a very Orthodox Catholic college but was looking for female connection of that sort. She ended up pulling in her roomate and best friend who then at the end of the first year contacted her mother about the relationship and how sorry she was for being involved, but that she (my wife) needed help.
There was some intervention, praying over her (mother is very charismatic) and then she was ok for awhile. She then was on Catholic SSA support groups but then used that to find people to have emotional long distance relationships with. She had a bunch of SSA relationships during this time. Still struggling with this and her faith she leaned towards religious life, like i imagine alot of attempting to be faithful SSA Catholics do. If i cant be married then i guess its priesthood/sisters. While she was praying at one point she asked God for a sign of where shes supposed to go. she then saw a famous saint holding flowers, but not the same flowers they are normally depicted with. She realized this was her sign.
We met and during the course of the courtship I wasnt the best Catholic, I was just getting back on track in living my faith and realized i needed to seek out women who were going to help me on the path and not drag me off, or let me drag myself off (hold me to account). She always liked a purple so those were the flowers i always got. We had long discussions about the future and she was very honest in that she wasnt sure she was called to marriage. she was still figuring it out. Her mother asked if the sign was given yet, and it hadnt.
That same day of the call with her mom I ended up getting, for no reason in my mind, a different set of flowers. ones that matched perfectly the type and color her sign had been. After that she was convinced. We began to plan for marriage and did all the marriage prep. Talked alot about her past, was told it was in the past and not anything she struggled with anymore and that marriage is forever no matter what.
Throughout our marriage I readily admit i wasnt the best husband at times. I was always trying to find extra ways to make money and develop a business i could run so that, in my mind, I could set our lives up around what we wanted to do, have our own schedules, travel with the kids whenever, etc. I focused on that alot. I spent many if not most nights working on that. She was neglected. She did however all during that time say supportive things, saying i need to keep going, i believe in you, etc etc. The feelings of neglect were never brought up by her (now I can see it very clearly and feel terrible about it, wish i could change it)
At the same time i was dealing with things from the war and secretly drinking those nights as well. I didnt go out. I didnt cheat or anything i just drank to forget. About 5-6 years ago i realized i couldnt control it like i thought i could and stopped completely and then i realized that i had been taking her for granted and neglecting her. I stopped my projects and began to actually spend quality time together. Things were really good. She was also going through therapy to deal with her past and that had brought things up, she had started drinking as well, but we were both moving towards good things. She got pregnant and then things really got perfect.
We were close, spent nights out together, talked, she started to talk about wanting to be more feminine, grow her hair out longer than shoulder, wear dresses etc. I was amazed and thankful to God that he had helped her get in touch with her feminity in a deeply maternal way.
Then....we lost the baby.
We had miscarriages before, and its not to make it sound routine, but from our experiences in the past I knew she would want space, take up the slack, keep up with the housework, do things that made her feel appreciated etc. I did that. I think i gave her too much space. She began to spend more and more time with a friend (Female) go out late, drink, etc.
I very bluntly asked if anything weird was going on she denied it. I began to have more and more panic attacks as I was completely convinced my marriage was over. She continued to deny it, but never stopped spending more and more time with this person. Obsessing over everything in her life and her marriage, her problems. Husband is out of town she needs to stay there until late because other girl doesnt like being alone in the house, husband is back, she needs to go out because the friend is having marriage issues. They start smoking weed together and things get worse and worse. Finally she comes back from a "girls" weekend and breaks down admitting "you are right, i am attracted to her" and "I dont know if i can stay straight for you"
We talk alot, when it comes to me saying they cant hang out anymore she then quickly reverses course and its no longer repentance and needing to change, but "not wanting the devil to win....not wnating to lose another friendship" and wanting to bring her friend "into the church". I was told I was putting all the blame on the friend and that wasnt fair.
Looking back i realize i should have drawn a line in the sand. I should have done alot of things differently but i cant change that now.
The friendship and the obsession continued. The bringing the friend to church was BS as she told her about the rosary for one night and then after that just more weed smoking (its better than drinking and its natural....)
Then finally im heading to a retreat at a monastery and i get a call that they arent friends anymore, she sad. Im happy. Ok i think, we can finally put this behind us. By the time im heading to the airport after the weekend shes back as friends.
Fast forward some months and then she has to talk to me about how shes never been comfortable with physical intimacy (marital act) because of her past and she doesnt think she can handle being pregnant ever again (understandable to a degree) so shes not sure she can be physically intimate anymore. I say outwardly that If i need to do this for her I can manage whether its months or years, sure. inwardly im thinking this is just another step in the wrong direction, but im still praying. Im still trying to maintain hope
Then something happens i dont know what. Her friend is moving and is getting a divorce soon afterwards but they had a fight and got blocked on everything. My wife is distraught, basically shuts down for 2 months. I have been over those two years basically doing everything in the house. from laundry to meals to cleaning. She does some things, but i do the vast majority. I do it so she can see i care, but she doesnt care. We had been in counseling during this time, but she would say things, we would talk, she would say its working, but it wasnt she was lying and holding back.
After this friend left. she ended up finding a new one. Same MO. mentally wonky, isolated, no friends and then they became inseparable. within a year im completely zonked mentally and spiritually i cant handle it and it comes to a head. She breaks down about how her losing the old friend hurt her so bad because there wasnt "closure" which in my experience with her and other friendships just means long talks until they are friends again. She talks about how they were making all these plans and were going to raise the kids together because we werent working (hard to work on the marriage with that going on i would think?)
So thats a light outline of the background and now back to beginning. Asked for separation and now were just "co parenting" under the same roof.
My greatest fear and what advice im seeking is
i worry heavily about the souls of my children and what a divorce (civil i know theres no such thing in the eyes of God) would do them. I see it kids everywhere. Is it better to maintain a facade for them or will the realization down the road scandalize them out of their faith? Will a separation now scandalize them out of the faith?
Is allowing them to grow up in a home where Mom/Wife is gone constantly to "hang out with her friend" going to scandalize them in their future relationships, because for my daughters if they are with any man worthy he wont tolerate that (what does that say about me right?)
So im left with two options, which i dont know which to pick? I care about the faith and souls of my kids and wife, which is best?
1) Continue the facade and chance scandalizing them in the future where they lose trust in the faith i tried to pass along to them and about marriage in general? Give them the wrong example of how a marriage is supposed to be with her as an example of womanhood?
Will my steadfastness in trying to hold the marriage together in hope for reconciliation in the future be a good example of what marriage is for them or just a scandal to avoid? or God forbid repeat?
2) Allow the separation and the fantasy land of "independence" that she dreams of show its true face and that all that lies ahead is barely scrapping by because even in the best alimony imaginable she couldnt afford to keep the house and pay the bills, we barely do together now.
Will my "giving up" scandalize them in the same way
to answer any questions you may have

i have talked to a priest about this, i am in contact with a counselor at our diocese that is very orthodox about the situation
She says her current friendship isnt "like that" ie like before which infers even more so that I was right about the last friend. She doesnt acknowledge that emotional affairs exist or understand proper boundaries between say a friendship and the emotional nature of a romantic relationship. It seem she thinks as long as nothing physical happens its basically all Kosher. I think growing up with SSA makes it hard as you are attracted romantically to girls but also friends with them so those proper boundaries are never formed mentally as the perversion of SSA is deep.
I know marriage is forever. regardless of what the other person does. There are no grounds for annulment as there we both consented fully at the time of the sacrament. She is in the process of the rewriting history of our relationship to sound more like she didnt have full consent "i was pressured...." perhaps to make herself feel less culpable for the present or perhaps in misplaced compassion to give me an "out"

Thank you, Pax et Bonum

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Phil’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as if we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

My second playthrough of Stellaris.
Writing a story while playing improves the strongest part of this game: The role playing. I did it mostly for myself, but i guess it never hurts to share.
It's pretty long for a reddit post. (short compared to some other AARs tho).
I played the pre-defined Gorthikan race. Their origin is Overtuned Genetics. Democratic scavengers with mutagenic spas. Fanatic egalitarian materialist.
*SPOILER WARNING*
2200: We overthrew the shackles of mindless ravaging and tyranny with our bravery. We would not succumb to our animal like existence. Gene splicing gave us the answers. Life for everyone got easier. With all this pressure taken away from us, we would finally be able to create a Government. A place for every Gorthikan to be represented. Freedom would be our guide. Self improvement our Sword. To the stars!
2205: Our scientist informed us of our biosphere in danger. We would need to research catastrophic events on other planets. With only one planet, this is of major importance. We found one planet, but its not very habitable. The search goes on.
2208: We found a planet worth colonizing. Our colonist are on the way.
2210: Another alpine world found! A glorious day for all Grothikans. We have decided to improve fertility, but the genetic splicing made our species fragile. Leading positions are hard to fill, with leaders only serving for 10-15 years. This takes a huge toll on our unity as a species. Maybe more splicing has to be made, in order to increase the lifespan. For now, we must fill the stars with the abundance of our citizens.
2215: It turned out our recent splicing was a fatal mistake. With our populations life span toll, governing a galactic civilization would become impossible. Our latest leader served less than a year. We would fall into chaos if would not intervene immediately. Splicing had to be conducted NOW. Our scientist came up with a genius trait, which would automatically adjust citizens to their jobs. We needed to incorporate this in exchange for some reproduction, and gain a lot of lifespan in return. Sadly it took many years to modify our species. Only hope could carry us further from here.
2218: We encountered sentient alien life! They seem to be fungus in nature, but form a usual Space faring civilization. Fascinating.
2220: Early years of space colonization have been really rough for us. Still about 15 more years until the splice fixing would be complete. 2 great habitable worlds are locked in a system with what seems space amoeba. Those creatures are fending us off. With one fleet of corvettes destroyed, we had to realize that, our military technology would have to improve if we wanted to take that system.
2221: War has been declared on us. The first Alien nation we met is now trying to beat us into vassals. With our fleets weakened we have to scramble to not get overrun. Things looking more dire by the minute.
2222: With no fleets by the start of the war we were forced to accept submission. We lost a system and are now dominated by those fungal creatures. Our Agreements with them were dire. No further expansion and 15% tax on goods. We could only hope they would treat us with more respect later.
2228: After a few tough years we were able to negotiate the terms of our servant ship. We would be free to expand, and not taxed. Maybe there would be a chance for our civilization, if just a slim one. The stresses of galactic wars and resource shortages had taken their toll on the population. Unfortunately one of our planets started to rebel.
2232: The rebellion had long been quenched easily. Our genetic alterations finally commenced. New hopes were rising. Unfortunately climate changed completely on one of your planets, and it turned into an ocean world. Not quite habitable for our people, but it would have to suffice. Luckily we research robotics. That would make things a bit easier. It also turns out that our latest genetics program was a success. Our civilization is manageable now, since individuals can grow into significant personalities due to their increased lifespans.
2243: After a calm period of economic growth we decided it would be time to challenge our overlord. Enough oppression. Rally the fleets.
2246: We won! Finally free from their control, we decided to bide our time until we could return the favor. For now, we had gotten control of 2 of their systems as a bonus.
2248: Our improved robotics now allow for specialized robots. Finally, we have effective workers for our ocean planet. After a gradual replacement, we hope to resettle our real citizens to a more suitable planet. Habitable planets are much less common than anticipated. We still only possess 4 worlds, and they are getting crowded. Most of them are quite small. We decided we would try putting a colony on a tropical world. Not very habitable for us cold-loving creatures, but maybe our robots could do most of the work there.
2257: While we were preparing to vassalize our fungal neighbors, another empire to the south declared war on us. They wish to vassalize us. Traumatic memories come ashore. We discovered them about a year ago. They are reptilian. We don't have much more information. To war!
2263: We are close to victory over the cold-blooded snake-eyes. But our fleets are so far away from our old rival, the fungal fiends, that we decided to build a second fleet. We declared war to vassalize them and marched onwards with our secondary fleet.
2266: Our society had a breakthrough! With the combined might of the unity between us, we've gotten our society even more focused on what even united us in the first place. New fields of genetics lay before us. We would ascend.
2267: We have encountered quite a few space faring civilizations by now. A multitude of them proposed to create a galactic council. That sounds promising. Maybe it could get more peaceful around here.
2268: We have beaten the cold-blooded and gotten 6 systems in reparations, but the fungoids are proving hardy. With only a small fleet of ours in the northern conflict, we cannot win the war effectively even though we have the upper hand. We will settle on the status quo for now, still planning to return in a few years. Their atrocities of the first war still reverberate to this day.
2272: The scientific community proposed a technology to alter our species' habitability towards specific planets! In preparation, we would send colony ships to every planet we were able to reach. This news came at the right time. Our planets are bursting with populations.
2277: One more year until our truce with the snake-eyes ends. Shipyards are converting every alloy we have into fleets. 2282: We would have loved to attack the fungal menace in the north, but it's very far from the south, and down there, our truce with the snake-eyes would end. Our cunning plan: draw the snake-eyes into a quick war, with the intention of a quick truce. With the forced peace in the south, we could concentrate our fleets on the north without danger from below.
2283: Our scientists had a massive breakthrough! Genetics would now be possible almost without constraints. Ascension had come. Each and every citizen elevated to perfection for its purpose.
Modification template creation would start immediately. The masses of Gorthikans would be modified to either be shaped for dry, wet, or cold environments. But we would not stop there. Genetics had so much more to offer.
The generalist Gorthikans would live long lives, be happier, less unruly, and very efficient at industrious tasks. In addition, they would adapt to whatever task they picked up. Perfection.
The less common Gorthikans would be next. We only created them from clone vats, since we could control exactly where those would be needed, and they would not reproduce out of control, since there were never many jobs for such citizens anyway. We made them incredibly smart. Tests showed that they would be 50% smarter than their peers. Artists and bureaucrats were designed to live long, happy lives, with an urge for the betterment of other people's lives.
Lastly, in a fortunate coincidence, we managed to find gene samples for a species able to survive the harshest post-apocalyptic landscapes. We perfected those mammals to live on the huge tomb world that happened to be in our borders. They would be obedient and strong, perfect for lowly works.
From now on, robots would be obsolete. Sentient life was more than just superior.
With our new plan set in action, we needed tremendous amounts of biomass.
2292: What was supposed to be a quick stratagem, turned out to be a nail-biting war of attrition against the snake-eyes. We could barely whittle them down. But our prize was phenomenal. 6 star systems and 1 huge relic world. With those achievements behind us, we were looking northwards to our fungal rivals. It was time to settle this once and for all.
2293: Our fleets in position, there was a moment of calamity. In our early days of space fare, we were taught that the strong would get their way. Our magnificent creations, each and every one perfect, were threatened. Threatened by the imperfect. It was time we got our way. Perfection should rule over the galaxy. As we would make every life form flawless. Other empires would not see our plans with mistrust. We were preparing to bring our gift by force. From now on, other empires called us the Galactic Nemesis from then on.
2298: We learned some valuable lessons during this war. Our enemy would absolutely not surrender multiple systems to us and be our vassal. They would rather die. We are not at that point yet. Another offense at a later point will subjugate them. We are patient.
2302: The snake-eyes in the south kept cursing our way. It's only a matter of time until they declared war. We had to end it once and for all. Use the leftover specimens as genetic material. We started by paying raiders. Hiring a few mercenaries wouldn't hurt either. Our fleets were strong. So it begins. To war!
2313: With a last effort, the reptilians were able to muster out one last powerful fleet. We couldn't push further. But they lost 80% of their star systems. About half of them fell into our possession. Construction vessels were on the way to conquer the others. The snake-eyes would no longer pose a threat to us. Gorthikans could rest easier.
2320: The snake-eyes would prove sturdier than we thought. They formed alliances with multiple other empires. We set out to crush them again. This time supporting a rebellion from within them.
2321: Our species is divided. We gave them everything. Freedom. Perfect bodies. Great living standards. But we have always been rebels at heart. Seemingly even the best splicing could not get rid of that. Half of the population wanted to conquer the galaxy. The other half wanted to embrace peace and compassion for the alien nations. Overall unhappiness took hold in our empire. Rebellions sprung up from time to time. Enforcement and distractions were necessary to keep the population in check. Did we go too far? Our hatred was sparked by the attacks on us. Now we were the aggressors. Did we go too far?
2325: The wars on multiple fronts spread us too thin. We won against the snake-eyes, but the fungus managed to get away with a white peace status quo. Again. The fallen empires start threatening us and our citizens shake in fear. Frustration settles in. The once so great vision and unity is no more. Hatred within and without our nation. There is no turning back either. Everybody hates us and wants to see us dead. The economy is decent but cannot support our required fleet. We took every planet we could. Unemployment is still high.
2331: We had shifted our focus inwards. What worth is freedom if you have no choice? We created opportunities for our citizens. Theaters on every planet. An abundance of jobs. After all, if we were determined to bring our way to the universe, it'd better be worth it.
2332: We were finally able to construct hyper relays. The century-old problem of fleet logistics would become far less detrimental.
2334: Dormant empire threatened us for the third time. This time it was enough. Fleet production to the maximum.
2335: With no attack from the fallen ones, we decided to use our fleets to attack the cursed fungal people. Success came fast this time. We relied on our spacecraft until now. But the first breakthrough in this century-long conflict was achieved by our ground forces. Our gene-soldiers would make short work of planetary defenses. Perfection would prevail after all. With 4 planets full of new citizens taken from them, our researchers had lots to do in order to ascend them to perfection. They would be grateful after all. Free of inadequacies, free citizens in our egalitarian nation.
2336: Formation of the galactic council. We couldn't care less. The other empires were neither free nor perfect. We would bring it to them. No matter what they say.
2343: An all-out war with the lizard fiends was at full swing. The hatred between our species surged to new heights. Every Gorthikan could feel it. A mysterious connection. Our scientists said it came from the Shroud. Some raised their voices in question, asking if we had gone mad. Did our genetic splicing take its toll after all? Billions had died in our wake. There was no turning back.
2348: In an unforeseen event, the Panaxalan Horde united under a Khan. Their fleets were absolutely massive. All other wars had to be put to rest for now. We had made great land gains. We could come back later.
2358: Luckily, the horde was concentrating on other empires. We lost a few systems here and there, but the losses were acceptable. We decided it was time to level the playing field and erase some of the tiny empires in the area. With them removed, the big players in the area would not have to tread so carefully in the future.
2361: The horde started turning our way. We managed to destroy their second-biggest fleet and one of their flagships. Their biggest fleet wiped out our fighters shortly after. Mass production from all starports would hopefully suffice.
2364: The Great Khan's fleet was destroyed. The coward escaped through hyperspace. The war is not over. Our fleets shall push as fast as they can through their territory. Sadly, a vile necropolis kingdom declared war on us, and we had to spread our fleets thin.
2365: The Khan already had a second fleet assembled. Seems like he would not give up easily.
2366: We were able to bruise the necropolis kingdom hard enough to make them settle for a status quo. Just in time. Our forces needed to race to meet the Khan's second fleet. No time for repairs. Meanwhile, our eyes turned west. During all our fighting in the north and south, the Ruphaarian Hive was left unchecked for a century. Their unobtrusive looks were deceiving. Insignificant mammals at first glance, but connected via a fascinating connection, they acted as one individual. In either case, their empire was massive. They took the fungal people as vassals recently. Our fighting in the south and east needed to come to a conclusion soon.
2367: The Great Khan is dead! New, infighting empires were founded. With our fleets bordering one of them, we decided to subjugate the closest one. Such uprisings shall never happen again.
2370: The Galactic Community declared us an existential galactic threat. All we wanted was to bring freedom and perfection. Maybe our methods were not diplomatic, but our motives were good. Sacrifices had to be made. Billions so far. With everyone against us now, trillions to come. Probably. Maybe there was another way out. Our scientists proposed a new device: the Aetherophasic Engine. Combined with the immense star-eater ships, we could get closer to tapping into the shroud, the mysterious thing which connected all of us. We had to see it through.
2371: The onslaught from all sides was immense. When war was declared on us, our fleets were completely out of position. To our demise, the Ruhaarian Hive used a wormhole close to our home planet to bring in massive fleets. Our only hope was that our hyperlanes could get us into position fast enough. Due to a fatal error in miscommunication between our scientists and mega-facility team, our starbases were not upgraded to the citadel design, which was needed to produce further Star-Eaters. Who would have thought that the destruction of our species might come down to such an embarrassing error? Our only chance was to defend longer with our normal fleets.
2373: Defense was manageable. The other empires in the galaxy were no match for a conglomerate of perfected species after all. Attacks were still underway, but the surprise attack was defeated, and the brunt of their fleets shattered.
2385: Other empires had no fight left in them anymore. Our Star-Eaters left a wake of destruction. More than that, our neighboring empires glowed up in supernovae. Unusable star systems with nothing left except black holes remained. Our rivalry with the fungoids seemed so childish and innocent. The snake-eyes were about to meet the same fate. The citizens whom we integrated into our empire before the great star feast were all that was left of them.
2395: The galaxy started to change. Not in the visuals in the sky. Most systems were not connected to a hyperlane anyway. But the galactic map of charted systems did even more. Half the Ruphaarian Hives' worlds were devoured by black holes.
2398: Our hold on the shroud grew with every stage of the project. Soon not only our bodies would be perfect, but our minds as well. Perfect in every aspect.
2399: The fabric of space tore apart, the being of the void entered our space. We had no more mercy for them than for the other casualties of this war. The price had to be paid. But after all, a universe in flames was a sight to behold.
2409: The shroud is fighting with all its frenzy not to be invaded. Mad avatars pour into our dimension as it lies in anguish.
2418: The Aetherophasic Engine is brimming with the dark energy of countless stars. We would only have to activate it and ascend. Nothing of what has been could describe what would be. Perfected beings in a flawless new existence. The destruction of the whole galaxy was the price. As an inconceivable number of beings perished, we were taken somewhere, where those things don't have meaning anymore.

first
Luna VI query: Set the source to the leaked files of the first reconnaissance operation of Irisa.
Done!
Luna VI query: What did Nathan do during the first hour of the war?
***
From the instant he opened his eyes, Nathan's morning was chaotic. It all began with the ground shaking beneath him, jolting him into a state of awareness. He then was greeted by the sight of Amara. She was leaning against a corner, covered in purple from head to toe as she screamed at someone through an earpiece that she was pressing with one of her claws.
His good morning was overhearing one piece of bad news after the other.
The rest of Amara's group had been ambushed early in the morning; many were dead, injured, or missing.
A war had erupted in the sky and her allies were trying to push back the enemy forces, but the battle persisted; the outcome was uncertain.
Zara was being brought to them, but Amara had lost contact with Igmila's group who was bringing her, only receiving confirmation from another group that a rescue pod was spotted at a distance.
And when he thought that things couldn't get any worse, he heard a bang followed by the AI reporting that Ryo had shot down a drone somewhere near their position.
"Open the tent!" Red had conquered Amara's body.
None of the scenarios Nathan had contemplated the previous night had prepared him for such a chaotic morning. "Give me a second."
He only wanted a chance to get his gun from his backpack and explain why he had it in the first place, even though he suspected Amara was already aware he had it. But she didn't let him. "Now!"
She had never felt so distant to him as the moment she said that single word, which led him to just comply as he stood up and followed her in silence. But this frail silence only masked his morning grumpiness, magnified by the dire circumstances and her cold demeanor toward him.
Nathan had barely caught a glimpse of Ryo and Elysira at a distance when he muttered. "It wouldn't have been so hard to say a few words to fill me in, you know."
Amara's eyes were transfixed on the smoking pieces of the drone when she whipped her head around, glaring at him with her orange eyes. "My people are fighting a war and dying. How can you demand my time when Yelara is hurt and barely escaped alive?"
"Oh, come on, I'm not demanding anything." He scoffed, shaking his head. "I just don't think it would have been so hard to tell me what you intend to do in the next five minutes."
The tip of her tail pressed against his chest, as red and purple coexisted on her skin.
"I am heading up the mountain to find Igmila." She spoke in a detached voice, pulling her tail back and turning around, and then she sprinted in the gap between himself and the tent.
He caught a glimpse of gray on her neck and all his grumpiness was gone, replaced by a cold shiver running down his spine. With his arms moving faster than his thoughts, he grabbed her by the tail, preventing her from going anywhere.
"You absolutely can't do this Amara." Nathan looked down at the tail he held with both hands and swallowed a lump of saliva in fear of her reaction. But that still didn't prevent him from finishing what he had to say, "It's too dangerous."
Amara's eyes sought his, causing him to suspect she would demand to be released or try to free herself by force, but she did something else. "All of this is because of you. Had I not come to your tent, I would be there to assist them."
Nathan caught a glimpse of green around her back spots, which let him know that there was a hint of guilt in her words. But did that justify blaming everything on him and running into danger without thinking?
If not for the awful night followed by an awful morning, Nathan might have just taken the blame and hugged her. But he too had his limits, "How is that fair? Blame me all you want, but nothing will change that you had all the chances in the world to go back and you didn't. I'm not saying that you could have done anything abo-"
"Indeed." Gray flashed for a moment before red flowed among her black spots. "This night was a waste of time." His grip faltered at her words and she pulled her tail back from among his fingers. "I should have stayed with Yelara to help her tend to her wounds."
Nathan bit his lips in frustration. How was it possible to agree with her words, yet still feel the sharp sting in his heart?
And if that was not enough, Ryo had to step in to rub salt in the wound.
Clap.
Clap.
Clap.
With Elysira’s tail wrapped around his wrist as she averted her eyes from Amara, Ryo spoke, "Please don't tell me you're mad because the plant lover couldn't get it up."
Nathan blinked fast not believing his eyes. Ryo was not only shirtless but there were a lot of scratches on his neck and below. Elysira’s long strands were also a mess, but even without that, their physical closeness alone would be enough of a hint of how much fun they had at night.
When Nathan glanced at Amara to gauge her reaction, she had already crossed her arms, looking at him angrily. Which immediately made him feel as if Ryo’s not-funny joke was true although he knew it wasn't.
It took Nathan a considerable amount of self-retainment to not walk up there and rearrange Ryo's handsome face with his fist, or at least attempt to do so.
A few seconds passed before he said, "Why are you here?"
Ryo didn't even bother to look at him, his eyes focusing solely on Amara. "Information. I want her to tell me what she knows about this war."
Amara didn't look pleased to help, but she still informed him about the ambush and even alerted him that even their current position would soon be unsafe.
As If things weren't already bad enough, Ryo frowned and hurried to instruct Elysira to get his things as soon as Amara had finished talking. Nathan felt like he was in a war movie where everything was happening too fast for his emotions and reason to follow.
It was only when he saw Ryo raising his gun skywards that Nathan’s anger subsided, contained by the prospect of how bad their situation was. Ryo movements were fluid and methodical, but he never pulled the trigger on the many drones that appeared high above and, instead, retreated to take cover behind a tree.
Only now the seriousness of the situation sank in for Nathan.
He didn't even care that he hadn't explained to Amara why he had a gun yet, rushing inside the tent after exchanging a glance with her.
After crossing the circular door, he found only a few items on the ground: a pair of boots, his sleeping bag, and his backpack with all his equipment inside.
Nathan was quick, wearing his boots first before retrieving his belt, knife, and holster from the backpack. With a sequence of swift movements, he strapped the sheathed knife and holster to the belt and cinched it around his waist, securing it in place before closing the backpack and dashing out the door with his gun in one hand and the backpack in the other.
Already outside, Nathan found it weirdly reassuring that Ryo was in the same spot as before, but that only lasted until he tried to find Amara, but found nothing no matter where he searched for her.
He dropped his backpack, feeling at a loss. How could he have allowed her to venture beyond his sight when he knew that guilt was clouding her judgment?
Only when he had already cupped his hands around his mouth to scream her name that he felt a touch right above his heel—her tail.
"Psst..."
Wiping his head, Nathan saw Amara's whole body mimicking the colors of his tent, making herself quite hard to spot.
"I thought you were gone." He joined her, stooping down beside the tent as relief washed over him.
"It might be too late to join my soldiers." She didn't allow her colors to change, but the translator conveyed a hint of sadness. "I lost contact with all the teams who were coming here."
"Amara I-"
Nathan was about to attempt to make things right with her when Ryo’s assertive voice reached him. "Listen up, those fuckers are jamming our comms and they will be here at any time. Take the MLBCS and find a clearing to use it, I doubt they can interfere with the laser. Just don't forget that your immediate safety comes first or else you might not be among the living when the pod arrives."
Ryo ran back to his tent as soon as he was done speaking, leaving Nathan questioning his own intelligence. How come he had never even considered leaving the planet? A single glance at Amara and he knew why. But did he have any other option?
Staying and fighting to hold his position was something he briefly considered. But did he have a chance when even Ryo decided to leave after seeing the drones?
Mission control might give him other options, so Nathan decided to try his luck despite Ryo’s warning.
Unable to establish a two-way connection.
He confirmed the interference with the communication with a single thought, kicking his backpack in frustration even though it was expected.
Why did it have to be so hard to accept that Ryo was right and leaving the planet was his best option?
But would Ryo truly leave the planet and leave Elysira behind?
Nathan forgot Amara who was beside him and screamed, not allowing this question to stay in his mind, "Wait, what are you gonna do?"
Ryo replied as he waited for Elysira, "I'm not leaving the planet unless mission control finds a way to save Ely too."
Nathan's eyes widened, feeling like an idiot as he brought up a pop-up window showing the schematics of the rescue pods. They were designed to be fast vehicles capable of transporting a single person to the space station, but Earth's government hadn’t skimped on the design, which included various components that could be discarded, such as medical supplies and search and rescue equipment.
He used the AI to run the calculations and found that Amara would likely be able to go with him, that is if they wedged themselves into the vehicle and discarded everything else.
Nathan was about to share his findings with Ryo when he caught a glimpse of him and Elysira disappearing into the woods, abandoning their tent behind as they ran away.
A sense of urgency struck him at that moment, but it was easily forgotten when Amara's voice struck even harder, "You should go."
"What do you mean?" He sought her eyes, but she avoided his gaze, facing to the ground.
"Do what Ryo suggested." She took a small pause before she went on. "Leave the planet."
"The hell I will!" He punched the tent. "Not without you." He could only assume she was saying this because she didn't know she could leave with him. "You'll come with me, and the pod will take us to the space station."
"Your species will refuse to take me." He saw a hint of purple on her neck. "Before the mission started your people told us you humans will not get involved in our wars." She finally made eye contact, and the purple on her skin intensified. "My best chance to survive this is to hide in the mountains and wait for reinforcements."
"You don’t understand, Amara." He didn't have time for a full explanation of what humans considered not getting involved. "No one in mission control will want to leave you here to die just because of some stupid rule." He then spoke his heart out without a care in the world. "And even if they do, they will take you anyway if say I won't go anywhere without you."
A hint of yellow could be seen among her camouflaged skin, but before she could say what she would do, her tail wrapped around his neck and he felt a strong pull to lower his head and bend his knees for cover.
"The rebels are here," she whispered as her ears twitched.
Nathan was tall enough to see the slope on the other side of the tent by just standing, but Amara struggled to see from above the structure, requiring her to stretch her full height and still take little jumps to take peeks.
And it was after doing so that she dropped her camouflage entirely, letting purple run free among her black spots.
Nathan took interest in what she had seen that had caused such a reaction, and he leaned cautiously against the tent and raised his head slowly, prepared to find a few armed Irisians hidden among the trees. But what he found instead was a never-ending line of Irisian advancing downhill at a fast pace towards them.
He understood Amara's reaction now, pulling back the harmer of the revolver as he stared at her. "I need to... do something."
He made up his mind, determined to shoot. But when activated the infrared view mode and took aim at Irisians descending the slope, Nathan froze for a second. This just lasted a moment, and when found the resolve to fire, he had already lifted the gun enough that it wouldn't hit anyone and it would just be a warning shot.
He fired once, twice, and went on until all six rounds were gone, then he noticed their organized marching had stopped, all of them having activated their camouflage. Some even broke the line and retreated uphill.
When he took cover again, Amara was protecting her ears with both hands, looking at him as if he were some sort of monster. Nathan ignored her and rifled through his backpack in search of more ammunition, finding the small box with shining metal bullets after he had searched for some long seconds.
It was only when he released the cylinder to reload the gun that Nathan noticed something.
His hands were shaking.
He ignored it and pressed the extraction rod the remove the cartridges from the cylinder to make room for the new ones, clumsily dropping a few of them as he reloaded.
Amara saw this and stopped him with her tail before he had filled all the chambers.
"I cannot go with you." Her body had been conquered by purple.
"You think I'll leave you behind?" He almost reached his breaking point when she replied.
"No." Her tail touched his cheek gently. "There are too many of them, Nathan." She pulled her tail back as a hint of gray appeared. "My brother will never let me go, he lost too many ships and soldiers to give up without his prize." The gray intensified, squeezing her black spots. "If you die with me on this planet, your species might abandon Irisa forever.
"My chances of hiding in the mountains are slim, but they exist... and even if I fail I will distract them long enough for you to flee."
Her body blended with the surroundings again and Nathan felt that she was about to do something stupid, but he moved faster and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to bend her legs and join him on the ground as she stared at him with wide eyes.
"To hell with this self-sacrifice bullshit." Nathan finally decided what he would do. "Do you think I will die that easy? Guess what, you’re wrong." His hands moved from her shoulder to her back and he embraced her. "Let me tell you what we'll do, we take the MLBCS, we find a clearing, and we go to the space station." He released her and added, almost crazily. "You go with me even if I have to drag you by the tail as you scratch me, you hear me?"
He was not kidding; he grabbed her tail with his left hand, leaving her exterior filled with colors ranging from purple to yellow.
Amara was about to reply when the tent produced a thud noise, sounding as if someone had knocked on a cardboard box. When they turned to the side, there was a tiny hole in the tent dangerously close to Amara's head.
She touched the hole with her finger, and then her whole hand pressed against the side of her head, staring at him without saying a word.
Nathan's heart skipped a beat when he realized what had just happened, and consumed by a rage like he never felt before, he pressed the cylinder of his revolver back into place with just the four bullets inside, pulling back the harmer.
This time there was no hesitation, he quickly stood up and used the infrared view mode to survey the now organized groups of Irisians who had taken a defensive formation, choosing as target an Irisian who had climbed a tree and was pointing a long gun at them.
In just a moment Nathan aimed and pulled the trigger, firing one round after another. The first two missed completely, but the others hit the tree right above the target, making this Irisian panic and release his claws from the wood, only to welcome an ugly fall on the rocks below from several meters above the ground.
He took cover again immediately, but this time noise as if he was facing heavy rain under an umbrella struck his eardrums moments after he had taken cover, making him wince every time he heard the distinct noise of a projectile going through one wall of the tent and stopping the other.
With her tail still among his fingers, Nathan and Amara exchanged several anxious glances as the shooting persisted, only calming down when the rebels realized they were wasting ammunition and the barrage of fire slowly started to lose momentum.
Nathan's heart was racing and she was going through all tones of purple when she broke the silence.
"Fine!" She spoke fast. "If you are being so adamant about tying our fates together, we can do it your way." Her tail escaped his grip, but instead of pulling it back, she coiled it around his wrist. "But we are weaker together, Nathan. I will be a burden to you when you run, and you will be a burden to me when we hide."
"Oh, to hell with that too." Despite his harsh words, just knowing that they were on the same page now was enough to give him some hope. "Sorry. I do all the running and you do all the hiding, does that work for you?"
He didn't wait for her reply and loaded the gun again, this time doing it very fast even though his hands were still shaking.
"You do all the running? I fail to understand you." She said as she stood up to take a peek at the enemies, just to recoil in fear and add, "Explain yourself fast, they are losing the fear of your loud gun."
"Sure." He grasped his backpack bottom and overturned it, emptying its contents in a quick motion. With all the items on the ground, Nathan only took the MLBCS and the little box with his drones that he promptly stored in his pocket. "We won't need any of that, which means my back will be free."
"Are you crazy, I am too heavy f-"
"You're not." Nathan was 6′3″, and he had the nanites ensuring he was as healthy as a human could be. This meant that the short Amara—the top of her head only reaching a little below his shoulder—was not a challenging weight for him to carry given her slender body.
Noticing the doubt in her gaze, he lowered his body even more, turning his back towards her in a way it would be easy for her to climb, hoping this would be all the push she needed.
"You take pleasure in testing my trust, do you not?" The tone of her voice hinted at her reluctance, but she still draped her arms over his shoulder, securing her grip in a way her claws wouldn't hurt him.
Even though they had a plan now, Nathan still felt a chill down his spine at the thought of what he would have to do. And despite knowing that he had taken everything he needed, he anxiously patted down his pocket the make sure the box with the drones was there and remembered to take a handful of bullets, filling up his pockets as some of them fell to the ground.
"Ready?" He asked, trying to sound confident.
"See for yourself." Her tail wrapped around his belly, full of tiny black spots surrounded by purple as far as he could see.
Nathan took a few deep breaths and stood up, getting a glimpse of the many groups that were advancing from both sides, trying to surround them.
It didn't even take him a full second before he started firing his revolver indiscriminately at them while his legs moved on their own, not even waiting for his eyes to decide which path he would take.
Amara's weight escaped his thoughts completely, replaced by the fear evoked by the faint noise of metal breaking the sound barrier around them as soon they left the protection of the tent.
He didn't spare a single glance behind, running downhill at full throttle with bursts of adrenalin fueling his speed. He outran the reach of their guns quite fast, hurdling fallen brunches and putting not only distance but also several tree trunks between them and the hostile force behind.
With Amara's solid grip and occasional shifting of her weight to prove that she was fine, Nathan kept his pace as his muscles burned with exertion.
For a little over ten minutes he kept going, jumping over protruding roots and ducking beneath low-hanging branches. But this couldn't go on forever and eventually, he stopped to catch his breath, bending forward and letting go of items in his hand as Amara released her grip to stand on her own two feet.
His breath was coming in ragged bursts, but that didn't keep him from starting to laugh as he stared at her, whose eyes were gentle and her entire body was filled with hints of yellow.
In a split-second though, her whole demeanor changed, all the yellow giving way to purple and red.
She asked a single question, "Is that device of yours supposed to release smoke?"
The tip of her tail was pointing at the MLBCS, which now had a small hole in it from where a whisp of smoke curled upwards, just like a candle after its flame had been extinguished.
Nathan shook his head and touched his forehead; a single word left his mouth, "Fuck."
***
This was an account based on what Nathan did during the first hour of the war. The previous narrative is based on the events of the morning of the twentieth day of the exploratory mission of Irisa. According to your current settings, no queries will be suggested.
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I'll try to just include the important stuff, but I feel like at this point our issues are so compounded that I want to give a full scope of things.
Me (23M) and my bf (22M) have been together for almost a year and a half. It's been... a lot from the jump. I had just gotten out of two back to back abusive relationships, and this is his first relationship. We were best friends for a bit and I had always thought he was straight, but had a lowkey crush on him. He only told me his feelings after he accidentally came over earlier than he was supposed to and overheard me hooking up with a friend (who I'll call Sam). I want to preface by saying me and Sam agreed before and after that the hookup meant nothing, for him it was a rebound while he was home for college and getting over his Big Ex and for me it was an unhealthy way to deal with being raped by my ex a couple weeks prior. The hookup happened once. Me and Sam never so much as flirted with each other in all the years of knowing each other. My Bf knew about the assault (he grew up with my ex/abuser), and obviously knew about the hookup. He still wanted to get together so I said sure.
Off the bat he wanted me to block Sam. I've known Sam since 6th grade, much longer than I've known my bf, and I was sort of put off by the request but after getting out of two back to back abusive relationships and being assaulted, I didn't feel comfortable to really put my foot down and didn't want to cause issues. So I did. For the next year Sam was blocked, and me and bf had other issues. He was unemployed almost the entire time with no motivation to do applications, there was a point where I was either doing applications for him (where he would be reading over my shoulder the whole time making it take 3x as long) or bribing him by saying I'd only cover his beer if he put in at least one or two applications that day. He has diagnosed - but very obvious - OCD and he was putting me in the position of needing to offer him constant reassurance (if I didn't get up to check if the door was locked, he would pout and keep me up, I needed to stop everything and watch him feed the cats, do chores, lock the door, etc or else he wouldn't do it). He refused to get therapy despite me offering to do all the work of finding a therapist and setting up the appointment, or even explicitly telling him that I don't feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who won't go to therapy. He also tends to be weirdly controlling? Like he won't be explicitly controlling, but he'll get really depressed or even angry if I so much as mention plans with other friends that don't include him - but when he is included he just complains about being left out and always wants to leave early. If I want to work on homework or do a hobby, he gets depressed that I don't want to spend time with him. If I ask him to go back to his house (he never officially moved in. I don't want him to move in. He just WON'T LEAVE) then he says I don't care about him or even that I'm abusive. He doesn't like the job I do, he doesn't want me to pursue the career I want, and he doesn't want me to travel as it's a waste of money but traveling alone isn't an option since that means I don't care for him.
There's also other things, like his insecurity or rumination on negativity ruling his life and affecting me. He wants me to spend ALL of my time with him. I'm a full time student and I work full time and support myself, while he pays no bills and does not go to school or have and desire to. I feel like he puts me in a position of being his sole support person, and guilt trips me if I don't want to spend literal hours a day reassuring or cuddling him. He will stay at my house and not leave, or throw a fit if I ask him to leave, or just wear me down so much that I feel like I have to say he can stay. I live in 140sq ft shed conversion that I worked really hard for after being homeless. It's a tiny space that I can't get any alone time in.
Lately one big issue has been coming up. He thinks I cheated. Basically, in January, I reached out to Sam to apologize for ghosting and the terms we left off on. My bf knew I was sending that message and he was okay with it. I didn't expect a reply from Sam. However a couple weeks later, he did reply. I did not tell my bf this. At this point I was really frustrated with my bf and considering breaking up due to his lack of motivation and controlling tendencies. I was working up the courage, and I confided this in Sam as he had no connection to the situation and I wanted to know if I was truly being as abusive and awful as my bf has been saying. Me and Sam kept in contact until March. The conversations were pretty surface level. We addressed the hookup and both agreed it meant nothing and there's nothing there. He talked to me about his crush and asked for advice, I asked for advice on my situation and he stayed pretty neutral. At that point I just appreciated having a normal friend. Someone I didn't have to hold their hand through their mental health issues, or bribe to get a job, or constantly reassure. There was no flirting, no sexting, no fucking. Nothing. But I knew it felt wrong to hide the friendship, and I know that was on me for fucking up. I was scared to tell my bf for fear of his reaction - both due to the way he tends to overreact about other things, and how my abusive exes isolated me from friends in the past.
So I told my bf, and I prepared to break up with him if his reaction was as bad as I anticipated. It was pretty bad, yelling and name calling etc. But he wanted to stay together. He cried and read a list of all the things he loves about me and promised to get a job and therapy and that he would give me alone time and everything. So I said I'd give it another shot.
He got into therapy after another 2-3 months of me begging him. He went to one session and never again. He got a job a month ago because I got him a job where I work (did the paperwork for him even). But he can't let it go about Sam. I ended up blocking him again a couple weeks after I told my bf because I couldn't handle him being super cold and moody every time I so much as checked the time on my phone. He was constantly asking where I was, why I didn't text him, I don't care about him as much as he cares about me, etc. He didn't get me the 2 months of space (not sleeping over for more than once or twice a week, not hanging out on nights I have homework). Last week he wanted me to recover the messages between me and Sam, so I did and he read them. There was nothing to see. I sent screenshots to my friends, hell even my mom, and everyone agrees that there's nothing there. But he's convinced that Sam was flirting with me heavy and I just let it happen, that I was planning on breaking up with him to be with Sam, all this shit. It's been a shitshow since. He keeps blowing up every couple of days saying I'm abusive and manipulative, that I don't deserve space because 'look what you did last time I gave you space'. He wanted to do couples therapy which I agreed to, and has been hounding me about it. When I asked when he's getting into individual therapy he says he will do it on his own time and that he refuses to be manipulated and coerced into it. When I say I'm too stressed to have another 4hr convo where we rehash everything and he berates me then I'm being cold and uncaring for forcing him to bottle it up and be alone. When I ask him repeatedly to go home he will ignore me and stay, or say its abuse that I'm kicking him to the curb, that I'm abandoning him in his darkest hour. He sniffs me when I come home from work and asks me why I smell like that (even though it's just the same deodorant and shampoo I've used for years). He made me give him my location and asks where I am.
Two days ago he wanted to text Sam from my phone to say "Should I tell him?" and try to like, catch me or something. He thinks I either fucked him or sexted him and deleted the texts. I told him at this point if I did cheat I would have just said that to get this over with. But I said fine, send the text BUT I don't want to touch the topic again until we get into therapy together and I want you to go home and that's that. He accused me of conspiring with Sam to get him to lie, told me 'fuck you, I'm done, we're breaking up'. I said 'okay let me go get your clothes out of the wash'. Then I come back and he yells about how fucked up I am, how much of a hoe and a cheater I am, that I'm a narcissist and a liar. Then he starts crying about me abandoning him and how unfair I am. He alludes to being suicidal and talks about how he wants to work on things. He begs me to hug him and says everything is better when we hug. I ended up letting him stay because I frankly I was scared about him being suicidal, and I was scared about what he said about me being abusive. I really don't want to be.
But the thing is I really want him out. I don't want him to live here. He says because he got a job, and he's working on his OCD himself, he cleans and helps buy groceries, he makes things nice for when I get off work, that he's doing enough. He said 'at least I don't assault you like your exes'. Yesterday he bought me a $200 bass I really wanted, and he was really nice all day. He was pretty nice today to and had a lot of self restraint when asking me if I'm at a place to talk about something and ended up dropping it since I seemed stressed. But my summer classes are starting in 3 days. I got low grades last semester because I had to choose between him and homework and he won since I would rather have peace than constant stress. I don't think I can focus on school around him. I wasted my short summer break on this stupid drama that shouldn't even be drama. He made me leave my moms really important graduation because he wanted to go home even though we were supposed to stay and hang out. I dread coming home from work. I dread him coming home from work. I'm happier when he's not around. When things are good, they're good! But at this point it feels fake because it's only calm for so many days until he breaks down about how he cant keep shoving his feelings down just for me. I feel suffocated. I feel like I have to support this person that doesn't even support me. I'm scared to break it off or tell him to go because he calls me awful things and says I'm abusive. I feel crazy. I really don't think I'm abusive. But maybe I am?? So Reddit: Am I the asshole if I kick him out? If not, HOW do I do it??

I 12 F had recently been having some problems with a girl who I haven’t been very close to, but still, we were sort of mutuals this all started a while ago when we were playing soccer at the field, she wouldn’t give the ball to me, even though I had asked several times kindly and a little bit mean I tapped on the shoulder to hopefully get her to turned around just for her to turn around and punch me after this, she went up to the office as I walked around, trying to act cool like I didn’t just get punched in the stomach after that, I had gotten called up to the office and we had had a big talk about how we can’t be doing that at school this continue to go on and we signed a contract to not talk to each other, after a while we sort of had gotten to be friends again and then only a few months after we just became friends. I found out my number got leaked to a bunch of strangers. I don’t even know a.k.a. the eighth graders. I do not know these girls or boys they don’t go to my school and this girl gave them my number randomly to hopefully do something bad to me a.k.a. prank me after a while I blocked their phone. Then only a couple months later I got a text from a random number. This is the same girl who was trying to prank me. She texted me on her friends phone saying that it was this girl who will call Sally ( aka the girl who punched me ) gave them money to prank me I figured out who this was in a matter of seconds it was this girl Ally, who sally always had been talking about her saying that was her girlfriend and I asked are you Sally’s girlfriend? She replied with no we are just friends, but I’m no longer friends with her. The next day school.. i came up to her and I said why did you give my phone number out to random people she ignored the question and my best friend started saying come on talk to her practically screaming at her mind you my best friend will take the world for me and do anything for me and so I’ve gotten used to that , she was so angry at Sally, and she was defending me in every single way possible, a couple days later we started to gain more problems, She was just acting strange practically taunting me. I try to tell her that I don’t feel comfortable being friends with her nor does my family. She understood this and she left after this we went to go play volleyball at the volleyball field we were playing and then she came up to me being her petty self. She told me that she’s did not feel comfortable with me being there and I have to go. I decided I’ll leave. I don’t wanna make a big scene, but after a few steps, I realized ,what was gonna happen, Nothing will happen even even if the principal gets mad at me I don’t care. I go back ready to play the game. She goes up and she runs and tells the principal I knew I was gonna get called up, but I didn’t care so I just walked up to the principal office filled out a note without even being asked to be up there. I was definitely the bigger person. after that I came down, I saw my best friend and Sally sitting together laughing and giggling my heart was absolutely broken. I couldn’t believe it. Why is my best friend choosing her over me, my best friend has talked bad about Sally so much she says that she hates her and that she just doesn’t like her in general and she’s a pick me if you know you know I was unbelievably sad and sick to my stomach I was just so sad and wondering why it’s so easy for her to cut off one of our closest friends, but it’s so hard for her to cut off a girl who has been bullying me since the day we first ever came to school the only reason why I’m so mad at this and hurt is because she would make me drop so many people in just one second and I know for a fact that it is not hard for her to so to anyone. She literally has dropped so many of our closest friends in one second even if they just kind of hit her on the shoulder just a tiny bit she will literally just yell at them and say that she doesn’t wanna be friends with them anymore for the smallest things leaking my number and punching me is not small?? I’m hurt .. but am i the ahole?

So here we are at last. Hurrah. (In pirates voice )The end. Part 4. As it were. (Laugh at them) I'm just sayin I'm insane!
If I can even think i can change anything at this stage of the game, I must be insane. And yet I do believe. Because I believe in the goodness of us. And the reason I believe in the goodness of you, is because even within a world wot currently, externally, places so little value, on goodness, I still observe, the goodness shared between friends and good strangers alike. 100 times a day. More, if I pay closer attention.
And so by mine own eyes, the whitless witness, I believe in the goodness, I see in you, pretty much all o' you. But every day. And because I believe wot I see, so yet I have hope for us. So yea, that's me insane then! Ho hey, hey ho. And on we go.
So, dearly beloved we are gathered here today to confront the spaces we have allowed to grow between us.
To confront the void, from which our current sense of hopelessness, wot we are all stuck in together, but feeling alone with, eminates.
Look at them seriously Stevie.... challenge them to think about it with just your eyes.
The truths waiting in t'wings to be rediscovered to replace the bollockshit lies we have come to believe about each other, on t'other side. And each other, of course, is just another, way, of saying ourselves? Right?
For no matter how much, both sides doth protest of each other too much
We only are, ourselves. Together.
Just us lot. Making it up as we go along, and trying to not let on, together.
Right?
For better or worse.
Because only together can we rediscover and so reconnect with the common ground that we hadn't even realised was at stake, at the time, ways back when, which it woz. And which we then lost; gave up, infact. We had to; couldn't hold the common ground and prove each other wrong, so away we all trouped, and we didn't stop, until either side could no longer hear t'others poisoned lies.
And so our problem right now, is found within the truth of the words ’we can only do this together. And we certainly can't do this against each other. Because the truth of the this is only to be found listening to the words of each other. The thing we can only do together. Upon our common ground. Cumon. It's time to find our way back. Try to remember.
I told you before. Remember! Trust me, its going to get harder, but then you will Remember. Just stick with it a little longer. It will get better.
A moment in time for us to shine approaches..... Become stronger.
Cuz these strange days is the time of EitheOr. Transition Time, and we've been here before. Many times in fact. The only time in fact, to heal, the break, whilst it's actually a'breakin, round us. And us! Cuz once the spirit of our goodness is crushed, once we no longer feel reciprocation within our wider world, so we are forced into darkness to reset, allowing the break to go unfixed and the faulty cycle to complete, and so we are then forced to repeat, these crazy times again. And again. And again. Just Cuz we didn't learn the lesson in time, in time. This time around.
This bit in which we find ourselves right ere right now in fact, this bit in which we can't see the woods for the trees.... But still. I tell you buddy, woods are just full'o trees. Cumon. It's become time to remind yerself to think clearly again.
You are it's measure. We are, together. The measure of this bit, our time, these days, right now.
Just sayin
And this journey we all have to choose to take, to achieve all of this, can only begin when you start to believe in the goodness of enough of us again, and really I mean, when you choose to see, that just as on your side, some of those on t'other side of your particular divide, are gooduns too. Some notsomuch. Ja mais vu. But this is the truth that unites all sides, the truth that for us, will ever be, our humanity. (Dah dah dahhh) (Start rubbing head) And that journey can only begin after you have confronted the void buddy. A moment deep down, in some ways, some of us have always known would be waiting, didn't we. Haven't we. Known. That at some point in our future. A moment...... Just like this one.......
Well your future has arrived buddy. All of our futures have. Cuz Its time.
But you can do this. I believe in you.
REWRITE So firstly buddy we have to see what we have come to see. You and me. To first peer, into the void, and then you have to choose to steer, into the void. To first feel what its oppresivity has allowed us to become to each other. Because this is what we do to each other, when we are blinded by fear, surrounded by darkness, and feeling so alone, so desperately alone, that we allow ourselves to be forced to conform by contorting to fit the faulty framework. Which secondly is just a fancy rhyming pants way o'sayin, when our fear gets our better, and drives us to hide, alone, but actually all together, huddled inside, the void.
(Master you) Too much (tap head)
So we're going to choose to confront the void, and then we are going to choose to go into the void, and then we're going to pull ourselves out.
And you are going to resist.
So you have to be the strong one in all this.
But trust me. I promise, with my love, I won't let you go.
Breathe. Even if you do feel silly, please, do it for a buddy, buddy. Breathe. And..... then breathe again. This time just a lil deeper, a lil slower. Breathe comfortably once more and you may notice that whereas at times in our recent past, you may have found yourself struggling for breath, so now just notice how easy your breathing is.....see. You're looking for your old rhythm now... Remember, before the anxiety set in ... Try to Remember what it felt like, when you breathed freely.
To breathe normally.
And breathe.
Normanly!
And as you settle into your old groove, then take a few more comfortable breaths, just because, you know, you can again....
And breathe.
Now, with yer focus on yer Eupnea, yer trying to look fer, the sliver of a moment bein the bit after y'exhale has ended, but before y'inhale begins. (Do it here) That one teeny tiny point which exists for just a tiny instant, but again and again, within us, moment by moment, breath by breath, each turn of your own lifecycle: all of us connected, by this shared moment, wether we choose to believe it or no, by this thinest delicatist moment we are all connected by , right up til our penultimate breath. Just sayin.Just notice it, as you reach it, each time, in time, its time comes around. (Here)The individual lustre of a moment between moments when everything hangs in the balance....
Without rushing your comfortable breathing, when its time comes round, this is the moment you now aim for each time it comes around. (HERE)
And now Notice it's depth, even as it all too briefly fleets past, you can yet perceive great depth, within the slither. (Here)

And now next time, or maybe the next time after your breathing reaches this moment, cast your minds eye , like a fisherman casts their fly, aiming into the very heart of that fleeting moment each time it passes by. (Here) Again and again each time it's time comes, you cast, until more often than not your aim meets it's mark. (Here) Until eventually you feel confident enough with your aim, in that fleeting moment inside, so to try, to flip your view from micro to macro. So still tho a fleeting moment, you begins to discern it's brilliance, each time, from within. And so now as this moment appears, each time within your own personal timeline: rush to reach deep inside it to look for and then to find the tiny seed of peace, deep within the heart between each moment. Each and every time, between each and every breath now you look for this moment and you find it. Let its momentary cyclical pulse of sweet peace become familiar to you. It is, after all, a part of the cycle of you. And so now as you continue to comfortably breathe, Anticipate it..... This beautiful moment between breaths, between times, you are trying to elongate it.. to stretch it out, and now not this time, but maybe the next time, or maybe the next next time, anticipate that beautiful moment, then experience that beautiful moment, and then take an extra moment, elongate that moment: hold time in your mind as you hold your breath for just a slight moment lond itger, (HERE) and then without really you thinking about it, as you then get picked up by the cycle of time again, you just become uncoupled. And so now you are ready. Just simply drop out of time. It's ok. Let go. I've got you.

(Here, or not) Booof!
There you go. Just for a minute. Just you and me buddy. Connected by just our love. And how amazing is that! And I promise I won't let go.
Ive brought you here cuz you needs to feel what it does to you buddy. Cuz wot it does, is why we then allow ourselves to do, wot we then do, to each other, and the kiddies. Why it makes us bring out the worst in each other. So we can realise how to stop bringing out the worst in each other. And to confront it we needs to understand what its oppressive hopeless energy feels like, discrete from our own personal burdens. Which is why you needs to confront it out of time. See. You need to learn it's discrete burden so then you know what it is you need to choose to ignore, when this moment ends and you go back to feeling it all. So that it can then begin to heal for us all. So we all can..... Before we all can, move on .......or at least just enough of us. I hope that makes sense. I wish I had better words for it to make better sense.
All the pain you feel in your heart right now, out of time, is just the void.
You can feel it, can't you. Good. That's just what it feels like when we are in needing of healing is all. The thing we can only do for each other, with our love.
And now we've found this space outside of time together. It's time, together, to steer into the void. A trick I learnt from an organisation I'm passionate about. A long time ago. To see, wot we needs to see.
REWRITE Do you remember that seed of imagination we set loose and slowly sent way down, until It slipped from memory, at the beginning of part 1? And if you don't, and I'm right, then it doesn't actually matter anyways. Hey ho. The dreams worth of hope we set loose to plumb our depths. Well hopefully it has now fulfilled it's purpose. Because now all you needs to do is just follow it's trail, that starts exactly where you stopped thinking bout it, in your mind, as deep as you stuck with the thought, begin your search there and once you find its end, just simply allow yerself ter zoom along it's length like data along a fibre optic cable - and then popping out the end. And if you didn't do the thing in part 1, it's ok, then just pretend 😁
Booof!
And if you did do the thing in part one. when you arrive, if you notice a bloke with a unicorn, don't worry about it.
And so we have arrived, now, you and I, but now you have to choose to steer Into your own personal deepest darkness. The place only you know exists inside of you, where your own lil bit of our void resides. Turn to face it, and then just start Pushin through in your mind. The resistance, with the fear, will pass.
Keep pushing through the fear, and when it subsides, allow yourself to chill out for a while whilst you adjust to this deeper darkness. And then so acclimatised. in your mind, just keep pushin on. And what feels so close around you, all around you, suffocatingly so, is just the pain of the void.
Keep calm and you will acclimatise to it's cyclical waves of intensity. The sickness feeling will pass, hopefully.
Try to think It's like entering lake water
Breathe comfortably still. Remember. I'm here too.
And when you feel the resistance subside and so the moment of panic passes, you have arrived, close both your actual eyes and your minds eyes, and then just use your love to probe around in the darknes, to discover where it hurts the most. And once you are confident it's truly the most hurty place, then simply hold your hands out, open your eyes and look down and you will see yourself. The scared you. The afraid you. Be strong, I've got you two. They/you reach up with grateful eyes, and desperate hands and with tears in your own, take theirs, and lift them up, reach around to support them - they are weak, but you will grow stronger. And then reunited again, shuffle round, 180 degrees like really bad salsa dancers, on your heels, in your mind and then facing away from the pain, take one purposeful step, together, back out of the void.
Not a giant step. But a confident step. Nonchalantly, and with just a touch of swagger if you can manage it😁
Cuz fuck it. You know.
See I knew I was right about the time thing.
We all know that time is the key that unlocks the future, but it can also be used to seal the past. But only once enough of us are ready to give enough of us a second chance. Which really just means a new path. A new perspective, and all that really means is are you ready to move on? To create an anchor point in time, together, from which to pivot our path, and so then to face what wos always going to becoming our ways anyways, our generations veritable ecological destiny, from the very start of time. Think about that! But now think about it, together.
And so finally, before time notices we are AWOL, and so before this moment passes, (leaving you to wonder if it ever really happened....long pause, look at em all)
There's just time for a quick sandbox reality experiment!
Imagine yerself a world, a facimily of this one, but yer made-up world is made up of good folks, who thanks to a reality flash realised, together, that the only true value to their continued existence was to be found in the community of each other. All of em, together. Or not at all.
Eitheor.
Just that.
And these good folks, not dissimilar to ourselves infact, realised that if they could help each other get their shit together, they could change their future together, and if they came up with a good enough framework, framework 2.0 as it were, that that change, could be, forever.
And because they did, so they did.
In your sandbox reality, Imagine what it feels like, being the good folks who achieved all that, in our near future, and then all you needs to do , is just take here, now, today as your starting point, and then just work out how to become them. And that's the journey just enough of us have to take, if we want things to go differently from this, for us. From now on.
I don't make the rules, and you get to choose your own path. But know, that whether you realised this moment as a choice or no, in these changing times, a choice, by us all, will be made.
And as time finally looses patience with us, so our moment out of time, as all moments, in and out of time, must, transitions.
So finally.... There is a moment in our future where all this has already happened. I know this, because I have been there and I have felt what it feels like to be apart of. Its beautiful beyond my megre words, like turds, will ever be able to express.
And every generation that comes after those heroes of humanity, blesses the very day, the very hour, minute and second that their forebares finally chose to choose. Better. for each other, and all I'm sayin is why not us. Why not here, why not now, today. The moment when humanity finally realised the truth of the words; that it doesn't have to be this way.
StevieP Mar- apr 2021 and then April onwards 2022. Re picked up apr 24 I watched kid goats frolicking, a long time ago now, with a friend, at a farm. Happy memories indeed!
And now another year has gone by, and here I am again, believing that Ive given my very best, hoping it will become enough and eagerly awaiting the chance to try to begin our Summer Of Love 2022.
Well May 24 today and that shit didn't happen! Heya ho. And on we go. Onwards and upwards. And once more with pasta.
That doesn't sound right.

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