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Char dham 2024 experience
2024.05.21 15:02 oooooooooooui Char dham 2024 experience
We are 10 family members who booked this trip through a tour agency. My dadi(grandmother) is 76 years old with operation in both legs and a 3 year cancer patient. Our tour started at 11th May, 2024. We did the char dham in proper sequence (Yamnoutri -Gangotri- Kedarnath -Badrinath). We had a proper itinerary and online bookings done by the agency.
First we had a hotel booking in Barkot. The hotel was okay. they are extremely possessive about their towels with a rule- 1 towel per room??? I'm with my dadi and aunty in one room. They probably have a laundry problem or something but every single hotel has this nonsense rule. Anyways, next day 5am we left for Yamnoutri. Got stuck in a 5km long jam(Yamnoutri is 35km away) Me and my dad decided to walk it out. We covered 20km by 3pm however it started raining and couldn't continue ahead. We stayed in a tapri for 4 hours until the rain cleared. Our family was still stuck in traffic and hadn't reached even close to us. Now it's 8pm. We were supposed to be done with Yamnoutri and go back to our Barkot hotel. We had to cancel our Barkot bookings(and the hotel manager put all the bags of our 10 people in 1 room messing up everyones luggage). We booked another hotel at Sayanchatti were our family members reached at 11pm. Police management was utterly trash. I think even they were surprised with the amount of overcrowding. Next day we finally reached Yamnoutri. About the trek- the pathway/trail is full of shit. And I mean literally full of horse-poop. There are 700-1000 horses. Even after getting a horse, we had to wait 40mins for parchi and additional 1 hour(while on our horse) because of horse-jam. Yes there is a traffic jam of horses ON THE TREK. We wanted to walk but seeing the people who did walk, I was glad we didn't. The path is almost 3 meter wide with pithu, doly/palki, horses and people walking simultaneously. People who walked got continuously hit by horses and had to dirty their shoes in horse poop. We reached the temple finally, did Pooja, etc and managed to return Barkot where we had to re-book for another night. Our itinerary was already messed up at this point and money was wasted thrice (previous booking unattended in Barkot, the new booking in Sayanchatti and rebooking in Barkot). There is more like the incredibly risky horse route, etc but that's inevitable. I'm gonna continue with Gangotri.
We reached Maneri after struggling in jams for 7+ hours. We also did Uttarkashi before that. Ok so here the police had stopped us at checkpost and said cars are going in batches and if they let us go the jam ahead would only get worse. Now our hotel was 5 minutes(3km) by car from the checkpost. I went walking 3km and reached the hotel and there was absolutely no traffic like we told the police. We even showed them on Google maps. Traffic jams are understandable, but not letting us go after talking to the hotel owner, seeing proof that we won't contribute to traffic, that was a bit triggering. From police side it was just plain dumb. The commisioner there would keep talking his egoistical nonsense, not listening to anyone. Finally the rest of my family reached the hotel. Same issue with towels, rubbish beds, never ending insects and super unclean bathrooms with no pressure in water(flush, jets, bath, basin). Anyways, next day 12am we left for Gangotri with zero sleep because we are already behind our bookings and trying to avoid wasting more money. Got stuck in jam till 6am. [Also another note here, we had 2 private cars and one of the drivers was sleeping drunk and almost hit me and my mom. He hit a tempo traveller and we told him go back to sleep.] Finally reached Gangotri at 5:30pm, did our Pooja and then got in line for Darshan. My dadi and I got into the senior citizen line because she is 76 years old and can barely stand/walk in lines. Tilll now in the trip I don't completely blame the police for what was going on. But here in Gangotri, if anyone is going I am warning you, the police is rubbish. They are rude, tired with the crowd and very harsh and worst of all lazy. When u reach the main statue to go darshan, it's continuous pushing and almost a stampede, you cannot carry a baby or a old person there, they are garanteed to get hurt and the police won't care AT ALL. If you are lucky u might get to see the main statue of Ganga Mata for more than 4 seconds. After that we got back to our hotel in Maneri.
Next day we left for our hotel booking (adjusted by our agency) in Phata-Mankheda. Don't forget to go to Guptkashi before entering Phata. Here too same issues like 1 towel per room, charging points at the most unreachable locations in the room, etc. But this was still better than Maneri. Next morning 3am we left for Sonprayag. There is a line for your registration approval which goes on till Sitapur (2km from Sonprayag). People will continuously try to break and enter the line and there is almost a stampede and lot of heated crowd. After registration, you can go join 1km line for government taxi(50rs per head) from Sonprayag to Gaurikund. Anyways, after reaching Gaurikund there is a 1km inclined gali then the horses start.Remember this part. So here we again had to take a horse even tho we wanted to trek because at this point we were on 3-4hrs sleep everyday and our mental was very weak. We paid 6000rs per horse because it wasn't morning and the horse owner GARANTEED us all of my family members will be together, there will be one person per horse and that he already has the parchi. 5 of us had taken the horses and others went walking, palki and pithu. This path was again same as Yamnoutri or even worse. More horse-poop than ever, the sweepers there won't care and sweep the trash on you if u r in their way and continue doing so. People working there are literally illustrate and 'gouthi'. The horse owner didn't fulfil his promise either. There was 1 man handling 3 horses. The horses were going anywhere, hitting our legs on railings, other yatris,other horses etc. They told us to get down and walk 50m every time they saw police which is when we understood they didn't make a parchi. When we reached the top they demanded for the full money which they very very very obviously did not deserve for all their lies. When we said take 28k because anyways 2 of their men didn't come. They said give 30k else don't give anything at all. This childish, greedy attitude of theirs was again very triggering. We are not beggars and they are not doing us any favours so we still paid them the full amount. We are on a spiritual journey but since everything is about money from tourism, our spirit kept getting crushed. We had to spend the night at Kedarnath and our agency had booked us a dormitory. I warn anyone booking a dormitory, just don't. 30 unclean, continuously used beds, in one non- ventilation suffocating room with 1 Indian style toilet whose latch doesn't work shared with strangers. And the worst part is it is 1000rs per bed. I wouldn't pay 20rs for this rubbish service. At this point my spirit completely broke and I fell sick. I hadn't eaten anything and didn't want to. Next day my dad and I went down through horse at government rate (2300/). Others came in pithu and trek. Now came the worst part. The overcrord at the narrow 500m gali which i told u to remember above. Oh my God. After 22km Trek you are treated with this 0 management wild crowd. I had to take care of my dadi and fam from getting hurt. After reaching Gaurikund, again another 1.5km line with no special preference for senior citizens. Here people bribed the police 500rs to break and enter the line(happened right in front of me and my phone had no battery) When you reach the taxi finally, everyone tries to enter together and the police are just standing mutes. They are done with thisđ. Finally got into the taxi, reached Sonprayag. Had to walk till Sitapur. Got a private taxi from there who demanded unreasonable price.We got mad and told him 4000rs till phata-mankheda(20km) which he then agreed to. Our hotel had changed to the worst possible hell of a hotel ever. I don't even want to talk about it. It has scarred me how people go about their business with 0 standards. At this point we just wanted to go home but Badrinath is left đ
Ngl Badrinath tour was decent. Our hotel was in Piplakoti. Decent hotel called River view hotel. Roads are good. Only 4 hour line in Badrinath with heated crowd and 5 second darshan. At this point we are used to this so it's okđ. Police was actually working and managing. Only issue we faced was directions from main road to the mandir and back. At night it gets very confusing.
Now I'd like to add, i haven't taken any names of hotels(except river view) or my tour agency because I don't mean any disrespect.
Uttrakhand is a beautiful beaitiful and amazing place with sceneries and memories I will carry with me forever. The sceneries while going to every dham are different and unique in their own way. Even just traveling from one dham to another by road is an amazing experience(excluding the jams).
I have some opinions- 1. Management is almost non-existent. Meet any Yatri and they will tell you the same. 2. Police are corrupt and lazy. Some try actively but that's like 10% of them. 3. The problem with hotels is that they are all on lease. I'll explain. The owner gives a person say Rahul their hotel on lease and asks for a certain amount per year. Rahul gets paid after that certain amount exceeds. Hotel bookings for char dham 6 months are always full. Rahul will always get this money and hence sees no need to maintain this hotel. So that's that. 4. Uttrakhand runs only and only on tourism and it is obvious. So as an individual tourist, you DO NOT matter. They don't care, they get people continuously. If your booking is cancelled there is always someone else to take it. You cannot talk sense to anyone running any type of service there. 5. Yamnoutri, Gangotri and Kedarnath roads for reaching there are narrow. Government should ban big buses permanently and is the best move they can make. These buses are 80% of the reasons for jams. They are improving roads but it's been 75+ years since independence so idk what they are doing. 6. Government should NOT take registrations when they cannot afford them. 27 Lakh registrations is not a joke. 2.8Lakh people in 4 days is not a joke. No one can manage this amount of people. Have a limit. People are spending lakhs of rupees coming from all over India for this and 90% of it is a bad experience. 7. Don't open all char dham together. This year's main issue was all 4 temples opened at the same date, 10th May. People were already ready and started rushing from 7-8th May.
Advice for Future Yatris- 1. Don't come in May. I had a compulsion so we had to. But everyone here says that the best months for char dham is September-October before Diwali. 2. If you do come in May, don't do online bookings. You need to be flexible with where you are gonna stay. 3. Carry a towel per person. Hotels are extremely possessive about their towels. 4. Leave early for every dham if you are committed to do all 4 of them. I've seen lot of people give up in jams. 5. Get warm clothes especially lot of socks and bring medicines, etc. Rain coats are ok but u need a poncho. Rain coats don't cover your bagpacks while trekking and even if they do, they will stretch and might tear. 6. Private cars/taxi yatri, spend a bit more and get a comfortable car. You will spend most of the time in your vehicle. Tempo travellers are extremely uncomfortable and avoid them. 7. Take cold water baths at colder places as warm water baths bring the blood vessels to skin level making it more sensitive later. You have to be mentally prepared before taking a cold water bath. 8. Weather changes like anything. Suncap and goggles are a must in day time. 9. If u get sick/stomach upset have black tea and biscuits. 10. Do private Pooja at Badrinath.
Good things- 1. The food is amazing. It's almost as good as homemade food. You can always tell the cook how you like your food. Do try the Vegetable Maggi at highecolder mountains. It's available everywhere. 2. Sceneries are amazing and don't forget to carry a proper camera. Phone tech these days is good too and will make photo-frame photos. 3. You will always find people to talk to. If you happen to find polite people, say the hotel cook or a homeguard or other yatris or anyone at all, you will have a good conversation. 4. The pandits are good and will only ask you to pay them if u want to for the Pooja. Always pay them. 5. No phone range. It's good so you live in the moment and can enjoy the amazing sceneries :)
I'm trying to be completely honest without involving any type of hate here and trying to paint a complete picture of what my journey was like. We had to go over budget(almost double) because we didn't know any of this even after research. Our tour agency didn't warn us about anything either. Only thing that matters is that you enter the holy grounds. You can expect amazing sceneries but not an amazing darshan in May. It's been a bittersweet journey and I am writing this while omw to home. I hope y'all find this helpful and plan accordingly only if you are going in May or peak season. Otherwise you might not face much issues in September. Thank you for reading.
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First we had a hotel booking in Barkot. The hotel was okay. they are extremely possessive about their towels with a rule- 1 towel per room??? I'm with my dadi and aunty in one room. They probably have a laundry problem or something but every single hotel has this nonsense rule. Anyways, next day 5am we left for Yamnoutri. Got stuck in a 5km long jam(Yamnoutri is 35km away) Me and my dad decided to walk it out. We covered 20km by 3pm however it started raining and couldn't continue ahead. We stayed in a tapri for 4 hours until the rain cleared. Our family was still stuck in traffic and hadn't reached even close to us. Now it's 8pm. We were supposed to be done with Yamnoutri and go back to our Barkot hotel. We had to cancel our Barkot bookings(and the hotel manager put all the bags of our 10 people in 1 room messing up everyones luggage). We booked another hotel at Sayanchatti were our family members reached at 11pm. Police management was utterly trash. I think even they were surprised with the amount of overcrowding. Next day we finally reached Yamnoutri. About the trek- the pathway/trail is full of shit. And I mean literally full of horse-poop. There are 700-1000 horses. Even after getting a horse, we had to wait 40mins for parchi and additional 1 hour(while on our horse) because of horse-jam. Yes there is a traffic jam of horses ON THE TREK. We wanted to walk but seeing the people who did walk, I was glad we didn't. The path is almost 3 meter wide with pithu, doly/palki, horses and people walking simultaneously. People who walked got continuously hit by horses and had to dirty their shoes in horse poop. We reached the temple finally, did Pooja, etc and managed to return Barkot where we had to re-book for another night. Our itinerary was already messed up at this point and money was wasted thrice (previous booking unattended in Barkot, the new booking in Sayanchatti and rebooking in Barkot). There is more like the incredibly risky horse route, etc but that's inevitable. I'm gonna continue with Gangotri.
We reached Maneri after struggling in jams for 7+ hours. We also did Uttarkashi before that. Ok so here the police had stopped us at checkpost and said cars are going in batches and if they let us go the jam ahead would only get worse. Now our hotel was 5 minutes(3km) by car from the checkpost. I went walking 3km and reached the hotel and there was absolutely no traffic like we told the police. We even showed them on Google maps. Traffic jams are understandable, but not letting us go after talking to the hotel owner, seeing proof that we won't contribute to traffic, that was a bit triggering. From police side it was just plain dumb. The commisioner there would keep talking his egoistical nonsense, not listening to anyone. Finally the rest of my family reached the hotel. Same issue with towels, rubbish beds, never ending insects and super unclean bathrooms with no pressure in water(flush, jets, bath, basin). Anyways, next day 12am we left for Gangotri with zero sleep because we are already behind our bookings and trying to avoid wasting more money. Got stuck in jam till 6am. [Also another note here, we had 2 private cars and one of the drivers was sleeping drunk and almost hit me and my mom. He hit a tempo traveller and we told him go back to sleep.] Finally reached Gangotri at 5:30pm, did our Pooja and then got in line for Darshan. My dadi and I got into the senior citizen line because she is 76 years old and can barely stand/walk in lines. Tilll now in the trip I don't completely blame the police for what was going on. But here in Gangotri, if anyone is going I am warning you, the police is rubbish. They are rude, tired with the crowd and very harsh and worst of all lazy. When u reach the main statue to go darshan, it's continuous pushing and almost a stampede, you cannot carry a baby or a old person there, they are garanteed to get hurt and the police won't care AT ALL. If you are lucky u might get to see the main statue of Ganga Mata for more than 4 seconds. After that we got back to our hotel in Maneri.
Next day we left for our hotel booking (adjusted by our agency) in Phata-Mankheda. Don't forget to go to Guptkashi before entering Phata. Here too same issues like 1 towel per room, charging points at the most unreachable locations in the room, etc. But this was still better than Maneri. Next morning 3am we left for Sonprayag. There is a line for your registration approval which goes on till Sitapur (2km from Sonprayag). People will continuously try to break and enter the line and there is almost a stampede and lot of heated crowd. After registration, you can go join 1km line for government taxi(50rs per head) from Sonprayag to Gaurikund. Anyways, after reaching Gaurikund there is a 1km inclined gali then the horses start.Remember this part. So here we again had to take a horse even tho we wanted to trek because at this point we were on 3-4hrs sleep everyday and our mental was very weak. We paid 6000rs per horse because it wasn't morning and the horse owner GARANTEED us all of my family members will be together, there will be one person per horse and that he already has the parchi. 5 of us had taken the horses and others went walking, palki and pithu. This path was again same as Yamnoutri or even worse. More horse-poop than ever, the sweepers there won't care and sweep the trash on you if u r in their way and continue doing so. People working there are literally illustrate and 'gouthi'. The horse owner didn't fulfil his promise either. There was 1 man handling 3 horses. The horses were going anywhere, hitting our legs on railings, other yatris,other horses etc. They told us to get down and walk 50m every time they saw police which is when we understood they didn't make a parchi. When we reached the top they demanded for the full money which they very very very obviously did not deserve for all their lies. When we said take 28k because anyways 2 of their men didn't come. They said give 30k else don't give anything at all. This childish, greedy attitude of theirs was again very triggering. We are not beggars and they are not doing us any favours so we still paid them the full amount. We are on a spiritual journey but since everything is about money from tourism, our spirit kept getting crushed. We had to spend the night at Kedarnath and our agency had booked us a dormitory. I warn anyone booking a dormitory, just don't. 30 unclean, continuously used beds, in one non- ventilation suffocating room with 1 Indian style toilet whose latch doesn't work shared with strangers. And the worst part is it is 1000rs per bed. I wouldn't pay 20rs for this rubbish service. At this point my spirit completely broke and I fell sick. I hadn't eaten anything and didn't want to. Next day my dad and I went down through horse at government rate (2300/). Others came in pithu and trek. Now came the worst part. The overcrord at the narrow 500m gali which i told u to remember above. Oh my God. After 22km Trek you are treated with this 0 management wild crowd. I had to take care of my dadi and fam from getting hurt. After reaching Gaurikund, again another 1.5km line with no special preference for senior citizens. Here people bribed the police 500rs to break and enter the line(happened right in front of me and my phone had no battery) When you reach the taxi finally, everyone tries to enter together and the police are just standing mutes. They are done with thisđ. Finally got into the taxi, reached Sonprayag. Had to walk till Sitapur. Got a private taxi from there who demanded unreasonable price.We got mad and told him 4000rs till phata-mankheda(20km) which he then agreed to. Our hotel had changed to the worst possible hell of a hotel ever. I don't even want to talk about it. It has scarred me how people go about their business with 0 standards. At this point we just wanted to go home but Badrinath is left đ
Ngl Badrinath tour was decent. Our hotel was in Piplakoti. Decent hotel called River view hotel. Roads are good. Only 4 hour line in Badrinath with heated crowd and 5 second darshan. At this point we are used to this so it's okđ. Police was actually working and managing. Only issue we faced was directions from main road to the mandir and back. At night it gets very confusing.
Now I'd like to add, i haven't taken any names of hotels(except river view) or my tour agency because I don't mean any disrespect.
Uttrakhand is a beautiful beaitiful and amazing place with sceneries and memories I will carry with me forever. The sceneries while going to every dham are different and unique in their own way. Even just traveling from one dham to another by road is an amazing experience(excluding the jams).
I have some opinions- 1. Management is almost non-existent. Meet any Yatri and they will tell you the same. 2. Police are corrupt and lazy. Some try actively but that's like 10% of them. 3. The problem with hotels is that they are all on lease. I'll explain. The owner gives a person say Rahul their hotel on lease and asks for a certain amount per year. Rahul gets paid after that certain amount exceeds. Hotel bookings for char dham 6 months are always full. Rahul will always get this money and hence sees no need to maintain this hotel. So that's that. 4. Uttrakhand runs only and only on tourism and it is obvious. So as an individual tourist, you DO NOT matter. They don't care, they get people continuously. If your booking is cancelled there is always someone else to take it. You cannot talk sense to anyone running any type of service there. 5. Yamnoutri, Gangotri and Kedarnath roads for reaching there are narrow. Government should ban big buses permanently and is the best move they can make. These buses are 80% of the reasons for jams. They are improving roads but it's been 75+ years since independence so idk what they are doing. 6. Government should NOT take registrations when they cannot afford them. 27 Lakh registrations is not a joke. 2.8Lakh people in 4 days is not a joke. No one can manage this amount of people. Have a limit. People are spending lakhs of rupees coming from all over India for this and 90% of it is a bad experience. 7. Don't open all char dham together. This year's main issue was all 4 temples opened at the same date, 10th May. People were already ready and started rushing from 7-8th May.
Advice for Future Yatris- 1. Don't come in May. I had a compulsion so we had to. But everyone here says that the best months for char dham is September-October before Diwali. 2. If you do come in May, don't do online bookings. You need to be flexible with where you are gonna stay. 3. Carry a towel per person. Hotels are extremely possessive about their towels. 4. Leave early for every dham if you are committed to do all 4 of them. I've seen lot of people give up in jams. 5. Get warm clothes especially lot of socks and bring medicines, etc. Rain coats are ok but u need a poncho. Rain coats don't cover your bagpacks while trekking and even if they do, they will stretch and might tear. 6. Private cars/taxi yatri, spend a bit more and get a comfortable car. You will spend most of the time in your vehicle. Tempo travellers are extremely uncomfortable and avoid them. 7. Take cold water baths at colder places as warm water baths bring the blood vessels to skin level making it more sensitive later. You have to be mentally prepared before taking a cold water bath. 8. Weather changes like anything. Suncap and goggles are a must in day time. 9. If u get sick/stomach upset have black tea and biscuits. 10. Do private Pooja at Badrinath.
Good things- 1. The food is amazing. It's almost as good as homemade food. You can always tell the cook how you like your food. Do try the Vegetable Maggi at highecolder mountains. It's available everywhere. 2. Sceneries are amazing and don't forget to carry a proper camera. Phone tech these days is good too and will make photo-frame photos. 3. You will always find people to talk to. If you happen to find polite people, say the hotel cook or a homeguard or other yatris or anyone at all, you will have a good conversation. 4. The pandits are good and will only ask you to pay them if u want to for the Pooja. Always pay them. 5. No phone range. It's good so you live in the moment and can enjoy the amazing sceneries :)
I'm trying to be completely honest without involving any type of hate here and trying to paint a complete picture of what my journey was like. We had to go over budget(almost double) because we didn't know any of this even after research. Our tour agency didn't warn us about anything either. Only thing that matters is that you enter the holy grounds. You can expect amazing sceneries but not an amazing darshan in May. It's been a bittersweet journey and I am writing this while omw to home. I hope y'all find this helpful and plan accordingly only if you are going in May or peak season. Otherwise you might not face much issues in September. Thank you for reading.
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic âcompanionshipâ
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic âcompanionshipâ
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didnât talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didnât have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something sheâs interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each otherâs things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when sheâs intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesnât sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesnât know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesnât know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
failedopportunities
Itâs an obvious potential issue bro⌠wether it be sheâs enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
BigIronBruce
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think itâs interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didnât think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic âcompanionshipâ
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didnât talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didnât have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something sheâs interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each otherâs things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when sheâs intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesnât sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesnât know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesnât know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established itâs not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure weâre not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasnât. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or âpolyâ. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, sheâs always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.
failedopportunities
Itâs an obvious potential issue bro⌠wether it be sheâs enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I donât have any reason to distrust her. Maybe itâs something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Canât really approach that with a solution if she doesnât think it was a problem. IDK
BigIronBruce
She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when sheâs intoxicated?I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank youInteresting-Tip-4850
"Iâm ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.
OOP: Can you elaborate on the â180 Methodâ?Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
OOP: I bookmarked this. Iâm heavily considering this.
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
OOP: Definitely. I think this âsoft ultimatumâ (180 method) has been very eye opening. Iâm definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but Iâm also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and Iâve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I donât want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things donât improve, it wonât be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
OOP: I understand what you mean. I donât think Iâll ever doubt she loved me at all. Iâm certain she did and Iâm certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and Iâm not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex weâre lacking.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think itâs interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didnât think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method itâs happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. Itâs evident sheâs thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Hereâs what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/evastraea posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says âyouâre not like my other kidsâ like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. Iâm sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didnât once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didnât think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesnât make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and youâre not always able to âmake up for itâ. OP didnât do this to hurt her daughter and itâs weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
Youâre a good mom. It mightâve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like youâve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and youâre a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says âyouâre not like my other kidsâ like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. Iâm sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didnât once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didnât think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesnât make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and youâre not always able to âmake up for itâ. OP didnât do this to hurt her daughter and itâs weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
Youâre a good mom. It mightâve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like youâve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and youâre a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 FelicitySmoak_ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 - Jackson v. AEG Live Day 15
 | Trial Day 15 submitted by FelicitySmoak_ to WhereWasMJToday [link] [comments] Katherine, Rebbie and Trent Jackson are at court. LA Times reported that the Jacksons offered a settlement. Kevin Boyle , a lawyer for Katherine Jackson and Michael's kids , said they offered to settle the lawsuit against AEG, but that they never got an answer. Kevin Boyle said the family made the offers in January & March. Boyle would not provide details but said AEG's insurance would have paid, which means they could have settled the case without them paying a dime of their money. He said AEG has never offered to settle & they haven't apologized. Marvin Putnam, an attorney for AEG, said it was inappropriate to discuss settlement discussions: "We don't settle matters that are utterly baseless. We believe that is the case in this matter. I can't see why we would consider a settlement as anything other than a shakedown"CNN Reports there was a snack controversy during trial: AEG lawyers gave a bag of peppermint candy to the bailiff to hand out to the jury this week. Even Katherine Jackson enjoyed the treat but Jackson's lawyer raised an objection, suggesting jurors might be influenced if they realized the source of the sweets. A compromise was reached. Each side can provide snacks for jurors, but they'll be placed at the bailiff's desk before jurors enter court so they have no clue who brought it. Shawn Trell Testimony Jackson direct AEG Live General Counsel, Shawn Trell, told jurors that he had forgotten that Kenny Ortega was working under a signed contract. Trell said he met with his attorneys last night and reviewed one doc -- Kenny Ortega's contract. "He had a written contract," Trell said. "I remember the email dynamic. I'm not too proud to admit that I didn't recall the cover contract," Trell said he was changing his previous testimony to add that Ortega had a written contract, not only emails between him and AEGNext topic was Insurance: Cancellation/Non-Appearance/Sickness. Trell said he started working on insurance for the tour in November of 2008. Panish showed several chains of emails where the parties talked about the insurance for the tour Email from Bob Taylor insurance broker to Trell on 1/7/09: "Prior to speaking with carriers we ask the artist to attend medical with a doctor...A full medical with both blood/urine tests. The doctor also wants to review the medical records over the last 5 years to ensure full disclosure. Insurers require further medical examination to be carried out by their nominated doctor. They may restrict illness coverage or death from illness coverage until this examination has taken place"Email from 4/30/09 - Wooley to Trell : "We have no coverage against Michael sickness unless and until he submits to another medical in LondonEmail from 5/28/09 - Trell to Taylor: "We really need to get that medical done"Email from 6/23/09 - Trell to Taylor : "Any update on the availability of Term insurance?" (life insurance)Trell said if they secured life insurance, they would get money if Michael died. "We would get the money owed to us, yes," Trell testified.Trell also said he continued discussions with an insurance broker about additional coverage to recoup AEG Live's investment if the tour had to be canceled. Email from 6/24/09 -Taylor to Trell : "Insurers have refused to move on this. Huge amount of speculation in the media regarding artist's health. They feel if they're to consider providing illness to cover this particular artist, they must have very through medical report"Email from 6/25/09 - Gongaware to Taylor : "If we don't get sickness coverage, we are dropping this policy"Email from 6/25/09 - Taylor to Gongaware : "The consultation in London is critical. The doctor is holding the afternoon of the 6th July open at Harley St. But keep in mind the visit could take 2 hours plus"Next topic: Budget/Costs. Panish showed an email from AEG's Rick Webking to Michael's estate with 1st report of artist advances/expenses. This was a letter sent to the estate containing the expenses incurred, Trell said. "It seems to me we submitted this report for their review, I don't see any request for payment," Trell said.Trell said he spoke with Randy Phillips and Paul Gongaware about Michael's physical condition prior to coming to testify. "I had heard about rehearsals in which Mr. Jackson was fantastic," Trell saidTrell said he's aware of email from Ortega saying doctor was not allowing Michael to attend rehearsal on June 14, 2009. "I was aware of the doctor not allowing him to attend rehearsal," Trell saidEmail from 6/17/09 from Phillips: "...Ortega, Gongaware, Dileo, and his doctor Conrad from Vegas and I have an intervention with him to get him to focus and come to rehearsal"Email from 6/17/09 from Gongaware to Phillip's assistant: "We need a physical therapist and a nutritionist"Email from Production Manager - Gongaware/Phillips on 6/19/09 : "Paul/Randy I'm not bring a drama queen here. Kenny asked me to notify you both Michael was sent home without stepping foot on stage. He was a basket case and Kenny was concerned he would embarrass himself on stage, or worse yet, be hurt. The company is rehearsing right now, but the DOUBT is pervasive"Email from Randy Phillips to Tim Leiweke on 6/19/09 : "We have a huge problem here."Trell agreed with a statement by plaintiff's attorney, Brian Panish, that company executives knew by then there was a "deep issue" with Jackson Does Trell consider that exchange a "red flag" that AEG Live should have noticed, Panish asked. "I would take it seriously, as I believe Mr. Phillips did," Trell answered. "I don't know I would use the word 'red flag'One of the emails shown to the jury was from Jackson estate co-executor John Branca, sent 5 days before Jackson's death & marked 'confidential': "I have the right therapist/spiritual advisosubstance abuse counselor who could help (recently helped Mike Tyson get sober and paroled) Do we know whether there is a substance issue involved (perhaps better discussed on the phone)The email was sent the same day that a meeting was held at Jackson's home with Murray. No further info given to jury. Trell said Mr. Phillips never told him about this email Email from Ortega to Randy Phillips on 6/20/09: (chain of emails) "I honestly don't think he is ready for this based on his continued physical weakening and deepening emotional state"Trell said he didn't see these emails. He said he spoke with Randy Phillips about Phillips' perception of Michael, in order to prepare for testifying, but not about specific emails. Trell has been designated as the most qualified person to speak on behalf of AEG Email from Phillips to Gongaware on 6/20/09 at 1:52 am : "Tim and I are going to see him tomorrow, however, I'm not sure what the problem is Chemical or Physiological?"From Gongaware to Phillips, on 6/20/09 at 5:59 am : "Take the doctor with you. Why wasn't he there last night?"From Phillips to Gongaware, on 6/20/09 at 2:01 pm : "He is not a psychiatrist so I'm not sure how effective he can be at this point obviously, getting him there is not the issue. It is much deeper"Trell said Randy Phillips went to a handful of rehearsals, three at the Forum and two at Staples Center. The head of the marketing department attended rehearsal on June 23, 2009. "She was blown away by it," Trell testified.He said he was unaware of issues with Jackson at rehearsals. "I knew of no problems with Michael Jackson at all",Trell testified.Trell said he never saw the emails from Phillips directing people to exclude images from This Is It of Michael looking "skeletal" while rehearsing. "What were his observations of Michael's physical condition during rehearsal," Trell said. "I asked for his (Phillips) personal opinion."Next line of questioning is about human resources and background checks. Trell said they can be valuable and useful tools when hiring. Background check costs around $40 to $125. Trell said AEG Live could afford this fee. "We don't do background checks on independent contractors," Trell said. Trell said he was involved in the hiring by AEG Live for the This Is It tour. His department was responsible for retaining independent contractors. Trell said he is not familiar with background check process for hiring. "I am not familiar with the process of doing background checks," Trell said. "No training." Panish: "There was no hiring criteria for the This Is It tour, correct?"Trell: "Not to my knowledge" Trell testified that when it comes to independent contractors, they have either worked with the artists, AEG or known in the industry. Trell agreed that no background check was done on anyone working on the This Is It tour. AEG Live General Counsel Shawn Trell told jurors that no legal or financial checks were done involving Conrad Murray or anyone else who worked as an independent contractor on the This Is It shows. Depending on the nature of the position, a background could be done, Trell said, like for potential employees in the financial area. Trell said he thought a background check would be appropriate for people working in financial roles, but not tour personnel who weren't employees of AEG As to independent contractors, Trell said there's no supervision and monitoring like there's for employees Panish: "You don't do anything to check into background, supervise or protect the artist?"Trell: "No, safety is a concern" Trell said that AEG did not hire Murray, that the doctor was like many independent contractors, "When they leave the environment, what they do on their own time is their own business"Trell testified he doesn't believe the artist is more at risk because AEG Live doesn't do background checks "We did nothing to monitor Dr. Murray," Trell said. "We did not monitor whatever it was that he was doing, no.""It called for Michael Jackson being able to terminate Dr. Murray at will," Trell said about the contract. "If the concerts didn't go forward, and he was terminated under this provision, Dr. Murray would not be paid going forward," Trell explained As to Dr Murray being under dire financial straits, Trell said that he doesn't know if he agrees with it, everyone's perception is different Trell: "I certainly wasn't aware of it at the time"Panish: "Because you didn't check, right?" Trell: "That's right" "I don't think conflict of interests are a good thing, and we would want to prevent it," Trell said Email from Kathy Jorie to Shawn Trell on 6/24/09 at 12:54 am: Subject: Revised agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. MurrayIt had two attachments Attachments: Revised Michael Jackson -AEG GCA Holdings Murray Agreement 6-18-09 Final MJ -- AEG GCA Holdings Agreement (Dr. Murray) 6-23-09Email chain from 6/23/09, 5:39pm from Jorrie to Wooley, Murray Subject: RE: Michael Jackson - Revised Agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. Murray Email:"I have redlined the Word version so that you can see all of the revisions. In addition, I've attached clean PDF version for execution" (The email says that if Dr. Murray approved it, he was to print it, sign and send it back to Jorrie) Panish: "Did Ms. Jorrie call this contract a draft?"Trell: "She called it a Final Version" "Every document is a draft until it is executed," Trell said. Panish showed emails exchanged among AEG executives that contained drafts of Murray's contract. Although Murray had signed a contract with the company, neither Jackson nor anyone from AEG had added their signatures. Trell testified that a copy of the contract had never been sent to Jackson With Trell on the stand, Panish played part of an interview that AEG Live President Randy Phillips gave to Sky News television soon after Michael's death. "This guy was willing to leave his practice for a very large sum of money, so we hired him," Phillips said.Panish also showed jurors an e-mail between AEG lawyers suggesting that Phillips told other interviewers AEG Live "hired" Murray. Panish: "Isn't it true that Randy Phillips made numerous comments that AEG Live hired Dr. Murray?"Trell: "I know he has made that statement" Panish said AEG higher-ups became concerned after Phillips made such admission. Trell said he didn't know if that was true. Bruce Black is the General Counsel for parent company of AEG and AEG Live. Michael Roth is AEG's media relations Email from Kathy Jorrie to Bruce Black and Michael Roth on 8/25/09: Subject: AEG Live president says AEG Live hired Dr. Conrad MurrayPanish shows Trell a deposition, under oath, given by insurance broker Bob Taylor on another case. Trell said he has never seen or read it. Trell denied having a telephone conversation with Mr. Taylor where Trell asked him if a doctor's compensation was covered in the insurance. Panish: "Does that refresh your recollection that AEG was employing Dr. Murray?"Trell: "Mr. Taylor has this completely wrong" After lunch break, Brian Panish asked if Shawn Trell wanted to change anything else in his testimony, to which he said "No" Bruce Black, attorney for Anschutz, was present in the meeting with LAPD. Trell met with the police on 1/12/10. Trell told the police that day that Dr. Murray would receive $150,000 compensation per month. Trell also said that Dr. Murray requested and AEG would provide necessary medical equipment and a nurse. More than five months after Jackson's death, Trell said, he informed LAPD detectives that Murray initially requested $5 million to join the tour but eventually agreed to a salary of $150,000 a month for 10 months. Panish: "As far as you know, all the agreements written for TII tour was done under AEG Live Productions, right?"Trell: "Yes" Panish: "Was Dr. Murray trying to help AEG get insurance?" Trell: "The policy was in both names, so he was helping both parties" Trell said Dennis Hawk, who represented Michael, was in touch with Taylor regarding the insurance Panish: "As of June 2009, you don't even know whether Mr. Jackson had a personal managerTrell: "Well, my understanding at the time there were a couple of people acting in that capacity" Email on 6/2/09 from Randy Phillips to Jeff Wald: "Jeff, remember getting Michael to focus is not the easiest thing in the world and we still have no lawyer, business manager, or, even real manager in place. It is a nightmare!"Trell said the only time he saw an artist's signature required to retain an independent contractor was for Dr. Murray. Trell said his understanding was that Dr. Murray worked for Michael for 3 years; didn't know how many times MJ saw Dr. Murray. "I've never spoken with Dr. Murray ever. And I met/spoke with Mr. Jackson once," Trell said. "He was a significant expense," Trell testified about Dr. Murray.Trell said AEG Live didn't do anything to check Dr. Murray's competency as doctor, other than checking his physician license. Trell said AEG didn't do anything to determine Dr. Murray's financial conditions in 2009. Jury was shown an email that Phillips sent to Kenny Ortega on night of June 20, 2009. It was email urging Ortega to stand down. Email on 6/20/09 Phillips to Ortega : "Kenny it's critical that neither you, me, anyone around this show become amateur psychiatrist/physicians. I had a lengthy conversation with Dr. Murray, who I am gaining immense respect for as I get to deal with him more. He said that Michael is not only physically equipped to perform & discouraging him to will hasten his decline instead of stopping it. Dr. Murray also reiterated that he is mentally able to and was speaking to me from the house where he had spent the morning with Michael. This doctor is extremely successful (we check everyone out) and does not need this gig so he is totally unbiased and ethical"Panish asked Trell whether Phillips "characterization to Ortega, given no background check was done, was a lie". Trell responded that he didn't know what Phillips knew or was thinking when he wrote that email to Ortega. Trell also said he expected Randy Phillips to testify at some point during the trial, so he could address the email himself Panish then asked Trell, "Sir, you never checked out one single thing about Dr. Murray -- you've already told me that, correct?""As of the date of the email, that would've been correct",Trell said. When pressed by Panish, Trell said that Phillips' statement that Murray had been checked out, along with the executive's claim that the doctor 'does not need this gig' were inaccurate. "I don't know where Randy's understanding or impression comes from", Trell said.Trell testified that Phillips might have been "misinformed" or simply was stating his impression of the Las Vegas cardiologist Panish: "But no one at AEG checked Dr. Murray to see if he was successful or not, isn't that true?"Trell: "Yes" Panish then asked several pointed questions about whether Shawn Trell agreed with Phillips telling Ortega they'd checked Murray out. One of Panish's questions was whether Trell thought Phillips' email was 'acceptable conduct' Panish called Phillips' statement "a flat out lie" and asked Trell whether he agreed with it or if it signified how AEG did business. Trell said he didn't know what Phillips thought he knew when he wrote the message. "I know this statement is not accurate, but you'd have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he thought or meant in saying it," Trell said. Panish: "That's a flat out lie, isn't it sir?"Trell: "I don't know what Mr. Phillips intended to say, this should be a question to him" Panish: "You don't know if he was successful or facing bankruptcy, did you?" Trell: "No" Trell: "I know the statement is not accurate. You have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he meant to say" Panish: "Do you agree with the CEO of your company making untrue statements?" Trell: "I don't know that he didn't know it wasn't true when he said it" Trell said Phillips never told him that he checked Dr. Murray out. As to reference in Phillips' email about Dr. Murray being unbiased, ethical, not needing this gig, Trell said it was Phillips' impressions. He said AEG typically only runs background checks on candidates applying for full-time jobs with AEG, not independent contractors. Panish: "Isn't it true AEG Live does not do background check on independent contractors?"Trell: "That's true" Trell said that no one from AEG interviewed Dr. Murray because he was an independent contractor. "Did anyone from AEG ever at any time interview Dr. Murray", asked Brian Panish"No", Trell replied. Panish showed a document used by AEG entitled "Disclosure and Authorization to Conduct Background Check". Doc is used for employment, promotion, retention, contingent or the rate staffing, consulting, sub-contract work, or volunteer work. Panish asked if there was any reason why Dr. Murray was not given a background check. "He wasn't an employee, he wasn't applying for a full time position with the company," Trell explained.Trell said theoretically they could've asked to check Dr. Murray's background and credit. AEG Cross Jessica Bina began her examination by showing the letter submitted by AEG's CFO to the Estate of Michael Jackson for their review. She asked Shawn Trell about the estimate presented to Jackson's estate that included Murray's $300k fees. She asked why it was prepared. Shawn Trell said it was done at the request of the estate. He said Jackson's estate wanted to know state of tour finances when Jackson died. Trell said the report was requested by the Estate after a series of meetings after Michael's death. "The purpose of the meeting was to wind up the business affairs of the tour due to Michael's death", Trell said. "It was my understating in June Tohme was back in the picture in some capacity. I'm not sure which, Mr. DiLeo was in it too," Trell saidBina: "Is there any request for payment?" Trell: "No, there's no demand for payment, it's for review" Stebbins Bina asked about the inclusion of Murray's fee in the document. Bina showed the report that was attached to the letter. Murray's fee on the document had a footnote. Trell read what that footnote said, and explained why estate wasn't asked for Murray's fee. Next to "Management Medical" there's a reference to footnote 3. Note 3: 'Contract is not signed by Michael Jackson and such signature was condition precedent to any payment obligation' - Footnote on Murray fee.Trell testified Webking, the CFO for AEG, did not ask Michael's Estate for payment of Dr. Murray's salary "You testified you were somewhat confused (by the inclusion of the $300,000)?", Bina asked Trell as she projected the list, dated July 17, 2009, on a screen for jurors."Do you see there's something in parentheses?', Stebbins Bina asked, zooming in to blow up a footnote from AEG CFO Frederick Webking that stated Michael Jackson never signed Murray's contract, so its terms were not enforceable. "Is Mr. Webking asking the estate to pay?", Stebbins Bina asked Trell. "No", he replied, explaining that upon reflection he believed Mr. Webking was just being 'thorough' by including the $300,000 as a budgeted cost. "Did Mr. Webking make a mistake as you thought yesterday?",she asked. "No, he did not", Trell answered Second report made to the Estate on 9/18/09, there was no amount next to management medical. Stebbins Bina then showed a Sept. 2009 report of This Is It's finances to Michael Jackson's estate. Murray's fee is not listed in that document Trell went through his job description with AEG. He said he has five lawyers in his department and has worked on thousands of agreements. Trell explained what PMK is -- Person Most Knowledgeable, identified by the company to testify on its behalf. Trell said he didn't know about all the topics he was designated, so he had to do some studying and interviews with people As to Ortega's contract, Trell said he was aware of a string of emails being at least a part of the original agreement with Kenny. "When we were done here yesterday, I looked at Kenny Ortega's original agreement," Trell said.Trell noted he hadn't looked at Ortega's agreement since it was entered into in 2009. Before the afternoon break, Trell and jury were shown Kenny Ortega's tour agreement. It was signed in April 2009. The agreement was three pages of legalese, with several pages of emails attached that confirmed the terms. The first three pages included some paragraphs that described who owned the rights to This Is It content. A large number of emails are part of the agreement as exhibits. Trell said he recalled the emails exchange and admitted again not being proud of forgetting the cover contract portion. Bina showed Ortega's executed contract with everyone's signature on it. Trell said Kenny Ortega was paid after his contract was signed. Trell, Phillips and Kathy Jorrie were involved in drafting and negotiating the contract with Michael Jackson. For MJ, Trell said Dr. Tohme Tohme and attorneys Dennis Hawk and Peter Lopez represented him. He said there were multiple drafts. "It's my understanding they were talking to, or at least receiving offers from, a competitive of ours, Live Nation," Trell said.Trell also said that before signing an agreement with AEG, Jackson had been considering a tour offer from its main competitor, Live Nation. Bina showed the jury the final tour agreement. Trell said he went to MJ's home at Carolwood to sign it. Upon arrival, Trell said Mr. Jackson got up from where he was seated, and said 'Hi, welcome, I'm Michael." Trell said it was pretty funny, since he was a very distinct person. Trell said they shook hands, he had a good firm handshake and his voice was not what people think "He popped up, came over, introduced himself, was very cordial, there was a real positive energy, good vibe in the room," Trell said. "He seemed genuinely enthused," Trell added. "He had the contract in front of him, said he read every page, seemed very enthused." Trell said they all signed it and Mr. Jackson was really keen on the 3-D stuff, that he was already down the road in his mind. "I was probably there just a little less than an hour. And that was the only time I met him," Trell recalled.Bina discussed the contract for the tour agreement: A first class performance by Artist at each show on each of the approved itineraries. Contract: Artist shall perform no less than 80 minutes at each show, and the maximum show length for each show shall be 3.5 hours. Artist shall approve a sufficient number of shows on itineraries proposed by promoter or producer as to recoup the advances made.Trell said compensation was agreed on 90-10 split. Artist received 90% of what's defined contingent compensation. Trell explained to jury how concerts get paid for. One scenario is artist pays for production up front. A second scenario is that the promoter gives artist an advance, and then they use the money to put together the show. The third option, Trell said, is the artist pays someone like AEG Live to produce and promote the show, with costs to come out of their pay. Trell called the second and third option like an interest-free loan. In Jackson's case, AEG agreed to a 90/10 split of show's proceeds. Jackson would have received the 90% portion, Trell said. Jackson was also on the hook for a 5% production fee AEG Live was promoter & producer. "We advanced the money necessary to mount the tour," Trell explained. "It's interest free money".Trell testified that Jackson's advance, which covered his $100,000-a-month rent on his mansion and a $3-million payment to settle a lawsuit that would free up his performance rights, was considered a loan to be paid back to AEG. Part of the advance was to pay off the settlement agreement of $3 million in London court. The underlying dispute was that a company owned the rights for Jackson's live performance. "The rights needed to be freed up," Trell said.The advances were to be paid back to AEG Live before the split of revenue. Production Advances were capped to $7.5 million. Contract: Artist was responsible for all the production costs in excess of the cap and had to reimburse promoter. "Michael Jackson was known to have very elaborate productions," Trell said. "Production values can get significant, for lack of a better word, it really depends on how many bells and whistles they want," Trell said.Trell said AEG would not advance money without the artist requesting it. Trell said it's not only typical and customary, but standard and artist needs to secure either non-appearance or cancellation insurance. Their interest in the policy, Trell said, was to cover the advances and production costs incurred with the production of the show. "If the were no obligations to AEG, the payout would go back to the artist", Trell explained, "It just recoups our loan made to the artist."Trell was also asked about elements of tour insurance policies and an agreement with former manager Tohme Tohme. Jackson's contract called for him to represent to AEG that he didn't have any health conditions that would keep him from performing. Contract: Artistco hereby represents and warrants that artist does not possess any known health conditions, injuries or ailments that would reasonable be expected to interfere with Artist's first class performance at each of the shows during the termOh Tohme's $100k per month agreement, Trell was shown a January contract that Jackson signed to pay that amount. However, Trell said Tohme's agreement was predicated on Jackson getting tour cancellation insurance by a certain date. Deadline passed and by that point Tohme was no longer Jackson's manager, so he wasn't entitled to be paid his monthly fee. January 24, 2009 -- agreement entered with Dr. Tohme Tohme. Trell said Michael was involved and signed this agreement. "This agreement was entered into January 26, Trell testified. "There are conditions that needed to be met before any payment could be made."One of the the conditions was placement of non-appearance insurance, Trell said. That placement was done in late April, early May. In May, AEG received letter from MJ saying Tohme didn't rep him anymore. "No payments were ever made under this agreement," Trell explained.Court Transcript Rebbie Jackson attending court https://preview.redd.it/mmatrsug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2bb18c8e5e6bca215719208409346bccaf96bc4 https://preview.redd.it/h6ywhnug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4576d97371141a308ad6300fb33400f28ed009e3 https://preview.redd.it/wd14srug5o1d1.jpg?width=508&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=31ded1abac7f1916fc67b5d0b264dd231b96f275 https://preview.redd.it/pvrb3vug5o1d1.jpg?width=423&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2e4e93a20eccf030747d4ee60a95365b5e41e9ce https://preview.redd.it/yexbwrug5o1d1.jpg?width=419&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c26155b8478e7c48f8863d946b836f1ab2a13fe8 https://preview.redd.it/o6nzk0vg5o1d1.jpg?width=483&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f146baaaa738ec5fe700fa42aaf58e138f21165f https://preview.redd.it/vuozioug5o1d1.jpg?width=431&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f229517cb96a8f80571439f6f0e27f8c6c7852bc |
2024.05.21 15:01 wisdomperception The Six Elements Inquiring into the presupposition of 'I Am' (MN 140)
 | Once, the Buddha had a chance encounter with a young bhikkhu PukkusÄti who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha but had never met him. Mistaking the Buddha for an ordinary bhikkhu, PukkusÄti welcomed him. This led to an intriguing exchange with the Buddha sharing a teaching focusing on the nature of the six elements, the six bases of contact, and the eighteen explorations of the mind.Meditator in a tranquil landscape in an impressionist style Thus have I heard â Once, the Blessed One was wandering in the land of the Magadhans and arrived at RÄjagaha; he went to where Bhaggava the potter was. Having approached, the Blessed One said to Bhaggava the potter, "If it's not inconvenient for you, Bhaggava, may we stay in your workshop for one night?" "It's not inconvenient for me, venerable sir. There is an ascetic who arrived first. If he permits it, then stay, venerable sir, as you like," Bhaggava replied. At that time, a young man named PukkusÄti, out of faith in the Blessed One, had gone forth from home into homelessness. He was the one who had arrived first at the potter's workshop. Then, the Blessed One approached where Venerable PukkusÄti was; having approached, he said to Venerable PukkusÄti, "If it's not inconvenient for you, bhikkhu, may we stay in your workshop for one night?" "The workshop is spacious, friend. Please stay, Venerable, as you like," replied Venerable PukkusÄti. Then, the Blessed One entered the potter's workshop and, after preparing a seat of grass at one side, sat down, folding his legs crosswise, setting his body erect, and establishing mindfulness in front of him. The Blessed One spent much of the night seated in meditation. Venerable PukkusÄti too spent much of the night seated in meditation. Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man conducts himself well. Perhaps I should question him." So, the Blessed One asked Venerable PukkusÄti, "For whom, bhikkhu, have you gone forth? Who is your teacher? Whose Dhamma do you profess?" "Friend, there is the ascetic Gotama, the son of the Sakyans, who went forth from the Sakyan clan. And about the Blessed One Gotama, such a splendid reputation has spread: 'Indeed, he is the Blessed One, an Arahant, a Fully Enlightened One, accomplished in knowledge and conduct, well-gone, a knower of the worlds, an unsurpassed trainer of persons to be tamed, a teacher of gods and humans, the Enlightened One, the Blessed One.' I have gone forth inspired by the Blessed One Gotama. He is my teacher, and it is his Dhamma that I profess." "And where is that Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One now residing?" the Blessed One asked. "Friend, in the northern country there is a city named SÄvatthi. There the Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One, is now residing," replied Venerable PukkusÄti. "Have you ever seen that Blessed One before, bhikkhu? Would you recognize him if you saw him?" the Blessed One inquired. "No, friend, I have not seen that Blessed One before; and I would not recognize him if I saw him," Venerable PukkusÄti replied. Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man has gone forth out of faith in me. Perhaps I should teach him the Dhamma." Then, the Blessed One addressed Venerable PukkusÄti, "I will teach you the Dhamma, bhikkhu. Listen and pay close attention; I will speak." "As you say, friend," Venerable PukkusÄti responded to the Blessed One. The Blessed One said: "This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements, six bases of contact, eighteen explorations of mind, and is established in four ways; where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, is called a sage at peace. One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself â this is the essence of the Analysis of the Elements. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' â thus it has been said. Why has it been said? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' â it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' â thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The eye-contact base, the ear-contact base, the nose-contact base, the tongue-contact base, the body-contact base, the mind-contact base. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' â it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' â thus it has been said. Why has it been said? On seeing a form with the eye, one explores a form that gives rise to pleasure, a form that gives rise to displeasure, and a form that gives rise to equanimity; on hearing a sound with the ear ... on smelling an odor with the nose ... on tasting a flavor with the tongue ... on touching a tactile object with the body ... on cognizing a mental object (arisen from a mental quality) with the mind, one explores a mental object that gives rise to pleasure, a mental object that gives rise to displeasure, and a mental object that gives rise to equanimity. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' â it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' â thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The establishment of wisdom, the establishment of truth, the establishment of relinquishment, the establishment of peace. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' â it has been said with reference to this. 'One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself'â thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The Six ElementsAnd how, bhikkhu, does one not neglect wisdom? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element.And what, bhikkhu, is the earth element? The earth element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal earth element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to, that is, hair of the head, hair of the body, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, sinews, bones, bone marrow, kidneys, heart, liver, diaphragm, spleen, lungs, intestines, mesentery, contents of the stomach, feces, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to â this is called the internal earth element. Both the internal earth element and the external earth element are simply earth elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' â thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the earth element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the earth element. And what, bhikkhu, is the water element? The water element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal water element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to, that is, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, grease, spit, snot, oil of the joints, urine, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to â this is called the internal water element. Both the internal water element and the external water element are simply water elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' â thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the water element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the water element. And what, bhikkhu, is the fire element? The fire element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal fire element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to, that is, by which one is warmed, ages, and is consumed, and by which what is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted gets fully digested, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to â this is called the internal fire element. Both the internal fire element and the external fire element are simply fire elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' â thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the fire element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the fire element. And what, bhikkhu, is the air element? The air element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal air element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to, that is, up-going winds, down-going winds, winds in the belly, winds in the bowels, winds that course through the limbs, in-breathing and out-breathing, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to â this is called the internal air element. Both the internal air element and the external air element are simply air elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' â thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the air element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the air element. And what, bhikkhu, is the space element? The space element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal space element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to, that is, the holes of the ears, the nostrils, the door of the mouth, and where whatever is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted is swallowed, where it stands, where it is stored, and where it is excreted from below, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to â this is called the internal space element. Both the internal space element and the external space element are simply space elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' â thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the space element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the space element. Then, only consciousness remains, pure and bright. And with that consciousness, what does one cognize? One cognizes 'pleasant', one cognizes 'painful', and one cognizes 'neither-painful-nor-pleasant'. The Eighteen Explorations of Mind
One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging (grasping) to that, would last for a long time. If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite consciousness (boundless awareness)... towards the sphere of nothingness (emptiness and absence)... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging to that, would last for a long time.' One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned. If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite consciousness... towards the sphere of nothingness... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned.' Thus, one does not form any volitional formations for either existence or non-existence. Not forming any volitions for either, one does not cling to anything in the world. Not clinging, one does not worry. Without worry, one personally attains NibbÄna. 'Re-birth is exhausted, the holy life has been lived, what had to be done has been done, there is no more coming to any state of being,' one understands. Whether experiencing a pleasant feeling, one understands 'it is impermanent', 'I am not involved with it', 'I do not delight in it'. Whether experiencing a painful feeling or a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one understands the same. Experiencing a pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a painful feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached. Experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.' Just as, bhikkhu, an oil lamp burns dependent on oil and a wick, and with the exhaustion of the oil and wick, it is extinguished due to lack of fuel; similarly, experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.' Established in Four Ways
"One should not neglect wisdom, should protect the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself"â thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this. Notions of 'I am'"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace" â thus indeed has it been said. What was this said on account of?"It is 'I am,' bhikkhu, that is a presumption.
"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace"â thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this. "You should remember this brief exposition of the six elements from me, bhikkhu." --------------- In this teaching, the Buddha gets mistaken for an ordinary bhikkhu by a young bhikkhu who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha. It is indicative that the Buddha conducted himself with an outward appearance indistinguishable from that of other bhikkhus that trained under him. Seeing the young bhikkhu conducting himself well, the Buddha shares with him this teaching of the six elements of earth, water, fire, wind, space and consciousness - which when practiced allows for establishing oneself in mindfulness, freed from craving and grief for the world. The Buddha further shares on the eighteen explorations of the mind through the three kinds of feelings: pleasant, painful and neither-painful-nor-pleasant born from the six sense contacts (form meeting the eye, along with arising of eye-consciousness, ... , mental object meeting the mind, along with arising of the mind-consciousness). He shares these as a way to understand the consciousness element and how it cognizes. The Buddha then describes the gradual steps from there that lead to the realization of NibbÄna, leading to being established in the four ways of wisdom, truth, relinquishment, and peace. The Buddha finally shares on the letting go of the 'I am' presumption and any subsequent presumptions that emerge from this, which form the core of what leads one to experience discontentment through worry, agitation, and dissatisfaction. Closely examining the presumption of 'I am' inherent in RenĂŠ Descartes's "Cogito, ergo sum" ("I think, therefore I am"), which has underpinned modern philosophy, scientific and rational investigations, individualism, literature and pop culture, psychology, and technology (including debates on machine consciousness), reveals how deeply the world we find ourselves in today is influenced by this concept. Realizing the truth of "I am" then individually opens up new possibilities and frontiers to be explored across all of these domains. Related Teachings:
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2024.05.21 14:59 ImpossibleBuy86 Tonal Customer Service - An absolute joke
I recently was dealing with some issues with the left column of my tonal making loud creaking noises while working out and contacted customer service to see what I could do about it. I sent them a video of the issue and they informed me that I would need to pay $400 for them to send a tech to my house to have it repaired since the labor warranty had expired. A couple weeks later the technician came out to repair the machine but was unable to repair the issue (which should have been known since they admit to having no way to repair the columns in the field at this time which they subsequently admitted). The technician then attempted to put the machine back together but did not reconnect everything properly before leaving and now the machine is inoperable and unusable. I contacted service again and have been told they cannot send the tech back to fix/put the machine back together correctly. I also found out these techs do not regularly work on these machines and are not properly trained on how to make repairs. I am now three weeks without a working machine and no closer to resolution on getting it replaced or repaired even though I have now paid an additional $700 for "advanced repair". This is all on top of the steep purchase price and monthly membership. They claim to be compensating me by not making me pay for the membership this month but I do not see how that is compensation. Why should I be paying for something that I can not use because the tech they contracted made my machine inoperable?? The initial service call was made in the middle of April and I am still waiting on customer service for an update on when my system will be repaired and usable, but hey they aren't charging me for the membership this month so all is fair right? Not at all! This will be the reason they fail as a company because who wants to buy a $5k machine that will not last and that does not have adequate support when it does fail them.
WARNING: If you lift regularly at all you can not expect this machine to last long without issues which will ultimately cost a lot to repair and will leave you with months of down time which is not a good recipe for actually making gains and staying consistent in a routine. This machine is not meant for people that actually want to lift weights.
submitted by ImpossibleBuy86 to tonalgym [link] [comments]
WARNING: If you lift regularly at all you can not expect this machine to last long without issues which will ultimately cost a lot to repair and will leave you with months of down time which is not a good recipe for actually making gains and staying consistent in a routine. This machine is not meant for people that actually want to lift weights.
2024.05.21 14:58 gautam_10 Should I (25M) confess my feelings to my friend (24F) who's still hung up on her ex, or distance myself to avoid further emotional turmoil?
I 25M, have been friends with a girl X (24F) since the past 6 months (since last December). X began dating Y (27M) who's also a good friend of mine, for 4 months before I became good friends with them (i.e. before December). Their relationship came to an end in December because Y was looking for something casual and X was very serious, it being her first ever relationship. However, things started to get more complicated post January. Although, they had officially ended their relationship, they were spending a lot more time together and even came physically closer. The rest of the friends in our group used to pull their leg for the situationship of theirs, but they continued on for another 3 months till March.
In March they officially broke up, and from April our college break started. Y went home, and X and I stayed back in college for our internships. We started spending an unhealthy amount of time together (so much so that rumors began spreading about the two of us which X told me), going out for walks late at night, watching movies, going for drives at night, eating dinner together. Some nights she shared her most personal traumas with me and like a good friend I listened to her and comforted her. In a nutshell she liked spending time with me and talking to me and I became her distraction and source of emotional comfort form all the chaos that happened before. Normally she never talked about her relationship all this while.
However, things started to get complicated from the 2nd month. I still keep in touch with Y, whereas X has little to no contact with him. On speaking with Y last week, I came to know, Y has moved on from his relationship with X, he's active on dating apps and been out on a date with a girl too. On a different occasion Y was almost on the verge of making out with another girl at a friend's party where X was also present, but she was not aware of it. I have no intentions of letting X know of all this at any cost as it'll break her heart and also, I was told all of this in confidence by Y. On the other hand, recently X revealed she misses the times she had with him and keeps coming back to the thoughts of him albeit not much, (she gets too emotionally attached too soon, it also being her first relationship) but that's because he's not around at the moment. College starts in another 3 weeks, and they'll start seeing each other more often once again. Y is pretty sure of dating someone new when he returns but X is haunted by the old memories that'll be brought back because of his presence in her life once again.
In between all of this I started to develop feelings for X, which have been growing exponentially within me with each passing day. I know I can't confess my feelings to her, but I can't also be around her anymore with these feelings within me. I've gone into self-destructive habits and the only way I can see myself coming out of this is by letting X know about this and stop hanging out with her anymore. But with her having so much to deal with already, it breaks my heart to put her through this. On top of that the big load in my head from hiding the conversations and intentions of Y, while X still misses him is driving me crazy. Spending all this time together, X may also have developed some feelings for me, but she's too clouded by her breakup to see any of it, and I don't expect her to be with me especially with her past baggage this soon. Furthermore, her last relationship has left such a bitter taste in her that she promises to not date for another year and focus more on enjoying the college life. I'm deciding to wait till her internship ends and her work doesn't get affected to tell her and slowly distance myself from her. Please suggest how can I make this any better.
TL;DR: I developed feelings for my friend, who's still hung up on her ex, while her X has moved on. I can't handle the emotional burden and plan to distance myself from her before college starts.
submitted by gautam_10 to Advice [link] [comments]
In March they officially broke up, and from April our college break started. Y went home, and X and I stayed back in college for our internships. We started spending an unhealthy amount of time together (so much so that rumors began spreading about the two of us which X told me), going out for walks late at night, watching movies, going for drives at night, eating dinner together. Some nights she shared her most personal traumas with me and like a good friend I listened to her and comforted her. In a nutshell she liked spending time with me and talking to me and I became her distraction and source of emotional comfort form all the chaos that happened before. Normally she never talked about her relationship all this while.
However, things started to get complicated from the 2nd month. I still keep in touch with Y, whereas X has little to no contact with him. On speaking with Y last week, I came to know, Y has moved on from his relationship with X, he's active on dating apps and been out on a date with a girl too. On a different occasion Y was almost on the verge of making out with another girl at a friend's party where X was also present, but she was not aware of it. I have no intentions of letting X know of all this at any cost as it'll break her heart and also, I was told all of this in confidence by Y. On the other hand, recently X revealed she misses the times she had with him and keeps coming back to the thoughts of him albeit not much, (she gets too emotionally attached too soon, it also being her first relationship) but that's because he's not around at the moment. College starts in another 3 weeks, and they'll start seeing each other more often once again. Y is pretty sure of dating someone new when he returns but X is haunted by the old memories that'll be brought back because of his presence in her life once again.
In between all of this I started to develop feelings for X, which have been growing exponentially within me with each passing day. I know I can't confess my feelings to her, but I can't also be around her anymore with these feelings within me. I've gone into self-destructive habits and the only way I can see myself coming out of this is by letting X know about this and stop hanging out with her anymore. But with her having so much to deal with already, it breaks my heart to put her through this. On top of that the big load in my head from hiding the conversations and intentions of Y, while X still misses him is driving me crazy. Spending all this time together, X may also have developed some feelings for me, but she's too clouded by her breakup to see any of it, and I don't expect her to be with me especially with her past baggage this soon. Furthermore, her last relationship has left such a bitter taste in her that she promises to not date for another year and focus more on enjoying the college life. I'm deciding to wait till her internship ends and her work doesn't get affected to tell her and slowly distance myself from her. Please suggest how can I make this any better.
TL;DR: I developed feelings for my friend, who's still hung up on her ex, while her X has moved on. I can't handle the emotional burden and plan to distance myself from her before college starts.
2024.05.21 14:56 Crazy-Concern8080 Hearts and Minds 4: When All is Said - (Part 5)
Even if you donât speak the first time, just being with other people who can understand you will help.
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Billy Marsh, Dirt
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 29, 2142
Why the hell couldnât I get rid of Gillab? I wanted him gone, he was ruining everything, and he is even technically trespassing in my house. I could easily get him removed with a simple nine-one-one call, so why couldnât I just do it? Is there something else wrong with my head? Another problem I needed to deal with?
I wish I had some alcohol. Something to take my mind off of this. The memories were starting to come back more and more as well, last night was the worst sleep I have had in a while. The night terrors I once kept away with liquor had returned, something that scared Gillab half to death. He said that I was screaming bloody murder in my sleep, but just like every other time Iâve had a night terror, I couldnât even remember a single detail.
But that didnât matter now, what did was trying to give a decent first impression. I donât know why, itâs not like I care, but I found myself wanting to look halfway presentable for the veteransâ meetup. Maybe I didnât want others to waste their time worrying about me. Yeah, that was it. They shouldnât need to worry about dirt like me. Still, I promised to âgo through the motions,â so here I was.
I didnât really know how to describe the building, it almost looked like a warehouse. Short and wide, from the outside one would assume it was just another warehouse, but the inside had been turned into a community center. It was probably just another one of the overbuilt buildings that had been repurposed. There were tones of those around as architects and city planners would miscalculate how many of a certain type of building were needed. Many places were repurposed, this was just another.
I stopped at the door and looked over to Gillab. âThis isnât going to do anything. Iâm just wasting time here.â
âNo, you arenât. Even if you donât realize it, you are healing. Even just walking around outside of your house and eating a half-decent meal has helped, I can see that. You arenât nearly as angry today as you were yesterday. Now go on, while you are doing this Iâm going to run some errands for you. You need real food in your house.â
âDonât bother, I donât know how to cook.â
âThen we will learn. I donât know how to cook Human food either. Kirala is the chef of the house.â
I thought to ask who Kirala was, but bit my tongue. Iâm not supposed to care. âWhatever, Iâm going in now.â
âSee you soon Billy.â
I shut the door behind me and took stock of the room around me. It was a waiting area complete with inoffensive paintings and beige seats. At the opposite end of the room was a woman sitting behind a counter, typing away on a computer. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to talk to her.
âHello, uhm, Iâm here for the veteransâ group therapy session.â
âOh course, thatâll be down that hall. Room number three, it should be on your left.â
I tried to stop bouncing my leg. âThank you.â
I didnât wait for a response and started down the hall, feeling a pit grow more and more in my stomach. What if this goes wrong? What if I just cause more problems? What if I ruin more peopleâs lives? What if I just make it worse?
I stopped in front of the door, my leg bouncing constantly. This was wrong, I shouldnât be here. Iâm unhelpable, I should just leave. Gillab said he was running errands, he wouldnât even know that I skipped it.
The pit in my stomach began clearing as I turned away, but I couldnât even take a single step before I stopped.
No, thatâs wrong. I made a promise to Gillab, so I have to do this. Not for me, but for him. Even if Iâm useless, I should still respect others.
But I could just lie, he wouldnât know any better.
But what if he finds out?
Getting chewed out later is much easier than going through with this.
Isnât this supposed to help though?
Do you think I deserve help?
Why⌠why shouldnât I?
Because of what Iâve done. Who I've hurt. Who I have killed. The lives I have ruined trying to help them. If I was anything other than dirt, I could have saved so many more and ruined so few. Now stop stalling, and walk-
âDo you need help, sir?â
My heart plummeted and the bouncing immediately started. I turned around nervously, trying to form a single cohesive thought. A man was standing halfway in the doorway.
Donât bother him, just say that Iâm in the wrong spot.
âUhh⌠N-â
My voice caught in my throat, almost causing me to cough.
âY-yes. Is this the v-veteransâ therapy thing?â
Why did I say that?
The man stepped out of the doorway, a small smile now on his face. âYep, this is it. You must be Billy, right? Charlotte told me that you were going to start showing up. Iâm Richard, and yes, my friends call me Dick.â
Richard stuck out his hand. I stared at it for a split second before realizing I needed to shake it. As I did, I realized that it felt wrong. It was too tough to be a normal Human hand, it was almost like metal.
I looked up from the hand. âY-youâre an amputee too?â
Richard smiled widely. âSure am. Lost it on Sillis to an Arxur. I can see - feel - that you lost an arm as well.â
âYeah⌠Iâd prefer n-not to talk about it.â
Richard lost his smile, but not his courtesy. âI understand. I wasnât able to even look at mine for a long time. Quite a few were just as unfortunate as us, a number of them come to these sessions as well. Would you like to step in? I was only going to leave to grab some refreshments.â
âS-sure. Yeah. Iâll find a seat.â
âGreat, Iâll be right back.â
Richard departed for the end of the hall, leaving me standing awkwardly in front of the door. I could feel the pit begin to grow again and my leg started to bounce furiously.
Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes?
Iâm in too deep now to back out, all I can do is go through the motions. Itâs just motions. Just another step. One more breath. Thatâs all I have to do.
I stepped into the room, keeping my head lowered the entire time. There were three other people in the room, chatting idly with one another. Two Humans were chatting together, only briefly pausing to glance at me before starting right back up. The Venlil looked up from his phone and patted the seat next to himself, inviting me to sit next to him.
I sighed internally and made my way over, not wanting to set myself apart as the outcast. The Venlil watched me sit and only started talking when I was settled in. âHi, Iâm Tunek.â
I gave him a short nod, looked away, and realized I was supposed to give my own name. âI-Iâm Billy.â
Tunek watched my hand for a moment, before leaning back in his chair. âSo, is this your first time being at one of these?â
I nodded quickly. âYes. Iâm only here because of a friend.â
Tunek nodded. âHey, as long as it gets you here. Just taking the first step is all it takes to start the journey. I stole that from Dick, but donât tell him I said that.â
I nodded. âSure.â
Tunek tilted his head in concern and moved to respond, but Richard returned just before he could speak. âAlright, Iâm back with the waters and the snacks, why donât we all grab one before we start?â
Everyone but me left their spot to grab something from the cooler that Richard brought back. The two Humans returned to their seats with some water and a cereal bar each, but Tunek hesitated when he started to return. He took a step, paused when he saw me, and turned back to grab another water and snack bar. He must have been hungry.
I looked down at myself as he walked back. Even if I was hungry, I didnât deserve something to eat. My suffering was my punishment for what I had done and what I had failed to do. I donât know why Iâm here, I donât deserve to get better. Iâm just dirt, I should just-
âHere you go.â
I looked up to see Tunek handing me a bottle of water and a piece of fruit leather. Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed them. âHowâd you know I was hungry?â
Tunek shrugged. âA hunch. Itâs a little early for dinner and a bit after lunch and I figured I would be peckish around this time so you might be as well.â
I set the water bottle to the side and peeled open the fruit leather. âThanksâŚâ
âNo problem.â
Richard took a sip of his water as I took my first bite, setting the bottle aside as he began to speak. âAlighty, now that everyone has something to keep them awake, I can start talking. As you might have noticed, we have a new member joining us today. So why donât we all introduce ourselves? John, do you want to start with a name and a little about yourself?â
The man with short, brown-blonde hair sat up straight. âSure, Iâll get this started. Iâm John, I served the UN for four years before we made first contact, but only served for one after. Iâm an only father, but I like to think that my wife is looking down from heaven trying to guide me. However, with how old Rachel is, it feels less like guiding and more strength-giving. Oh, and I hate the taste of lemons. I think thatâs about it.â
The mention of lemons caused my stomach to tie itself in a knot. James always hated the taste of lemons. Just another reminder of how useless I am.
The man to the left of John smiled. âI guess itâs my turn. My name is Carter. I served the UN for three years until I was discharged for repeated disorderly conduct. I was in a bad spot for a while, but with the help of Dick here I got out of it. Well, start getting out of it. I still have some⌠flare-ups, but thatâs why Iâm here.â
Carter smiled, but it was sad. Tunek let him have his moment of silence, encouraging the veteran to be with his emotions for a moment, before starting his own introduction. âWell, I guess you already know my name, but for the sake of completion, Iâll say it again. Iâm Tunek. I served the Venlil Space Force for around one Earth year before first contact, where I served with the UN until the conflict with the Yulpa on Grenelka. I⌠well⌠after that I couldnât serve anymore. Something else⌠Iâve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument properly, but never had the drive to do it. Thatâs about it for me. Dick, since you were so kind to leave yourself for last, I think itâs your turn.â
Richard chuckled. âYeah, I guess it is. Well, like I said earlier, my name is Richard, but donât be afraid to call me Dick. I come from a military family and have always known the dangers of signing up, but that didnât stop me. I didnât realize that the war was affecting me until Milieu. Then and there I knew what needed to be done. Once the war was over, I went straight to work creating this.â
Richard paused for a moment to catch his breath. âI knew that therapists were going to be swamped and many veterans were going to be left behind, so I took what little experience and knowledge I had with my military family and used it to help as many as I could. So now I meet with tons of veterans throughout the week to help them adjust to civilian life and overcome their internal struggles. Iâm glad that you have joined us today and hope that we give a good first impression.â
I wasnât ready for him to stop talking and scrambled to get my words out. âY-yeah. So far everyone seems nice.â
âWell, if itâs good for you then itâs good for me. With that all out of the way, why donât we jump right in? Iâm not the type to beat around the bush. Letâs start with a simple recap of the week. How have you all been this last week? Any wins, losses, jumps, or setbacks? Remember, thereâs no judgment here. We are all suffering together, but we heal together as well.â
The room was silent for a moment, everyone looking for someone else to start the chain, before Carter spoke up. âI guess Iâll go first, if youâll let me.â
Richard sat down. âOf course Carter, whenever you are ready.â
Carter nodded and propped himself up on his elbows. âI, uh⌠I had another meltdown, on Wednesday. It came out of nowhere. Happened in the middle of the supermarket, I thought I was⌠I managed to make it home in time before it really started, but just barely. I was hardly in my room before I started bawling. I⌠I feel so alone sometimes. I can be in the middle of the supermarket and feel like Iâve been stranded on an island alone f-for years. I m-miss them so much. Y-you all have made it easier, but sometimes⌠Sometimes itâs too much.â
John placed a hand on Carterâs back and Richard offered a concerned look. âIf you ever feel like that, feel free to call me.â
Carter sniffled and wiped away a forming tear. âI know, I know. Youâve told me before, and I almost did, but I thought that you wouldnât need me bothering you in the middle of the day.â
âCarter, you know I would drop anything to come to your help. Only me dying could stop me.â
Carter leaned back in his chair and laughed even as he wiped away another tear. âThank you, Dick, but please donât go dying. Youâre too nice for that.â
Richard smiled. âI donât plan on it anytime soon, Carter. I still have so many more people to help.â
After a moment of silence, John took the initiative and started his own story. âI had a pretty big win this last week. I finally made it through a whole week without having suicidal thoughts.â
Richard smiled widely. âThat's wonderful! I told you that you were making progress.â
âI know, but sometimes I feel like I have no purpose anymore. Itâs overwhelming. My daughter is old enough to care for herself, Iâm only working a menial labor job, I canât find any hobbies to enjoy⌠I feel like nothing.â
âBut you arenât ânothing,â you are you. And there is only one of you. I canât go out and find another John, or another Carter, or Tunek, or Billy. You are all unique, and losing you would be a tragedy.â
Before I could stop myself, I spoke. âAm I really worth saving?â
Everyone went silent for a moment, caught off guard by my words. After Richard deciphered the sudden question, he gave a response with absolute certainty. âAbsolutely. There is nothing in this world that canât be forgiven or overcome.â
âAre you sure? After the things Iâve done⌠forget I said anything.â
Richard shook his head. âI canât do that, Billy. I canât willingly ignore someone in need.â
âI donât need help. Iâm getting exactly what I deserve for what I have done.â
âAnd what have you done?â
âI⌠I donât want to talk about it.â
Richard sighed. âThatâs okay, for now. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it, but for now, you can just listen if you want to.â
âYeah. I think Iâm just going to listen.â
I leaned back and crossed my arms, letting Tunek speak his mind. âI think I know what you are going through. Not the specifics, but I think I can get a general idea.â
âNo, I donât think you do.â
Tunek was silent for a moment, before looking away from me and speaking. âI was on the Cradle when it fell, and on Sillis when the Arxur raided it, and on Milieu fighting off the Kolshians. I tried to save as many people as I could, but in the end, I could only make their passing less painful. I couldnât even save my partner. I froze in the moment. I could have saved him. But I was frozen in fear. His death is entirely on my shoulders. Iâm still fighting that to this day.â
I stared at Tunek for a second, before turning away and sighing. They didnât know what I was going through, no one could. They didnât know my crimes, if they did they would kick me out. Their problems, no matter how real, were nothing compared to mine. They still could be helped, I couldnât.
Could I? If all these people could heal, why couldnât I?
Because my crimes are too severe.
I⌠yeahâŚ
submitted by Crazy-Concern8080 to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 29, 2142
Why the hell couldnât I get rid of Gillab? I wanted him gone, he was ruining everything, and he is even technically trespassing in my house. I could easily get him removed with a simple nine-one-one call, so why couldnât I just do it? Is there something else wrong with my head? Another problem I needed to deal with?
I wish I had some alcohol. Something to take my mind off of this. The memories were starting to come back more and more as well, last night was the worst sleep I have had in a while. The night terrors I once kept away with liquor had returned, something that scared Gillab half to death. He said that I was screaming bloody murder in my sleep, but just like every other time Iâve had a night terror, I couldnât even remember a single detail.
But that didnât matter now, what did was trying to give a decent first impression. I donât know why, itâs not like I care, but I found myself wanting to look halfway presentable for the veteransâ meetup. Maybe I didnât want others to waste their time worrying about me. Yeah, that was it. They shouldnât need to worry about dirt like me. Still, I promised to âgo through the motions,â so here I was.
I didnât really know how to describe the building, it almost looked like a warehouse. Short and wide, from the outside one would assume it was just another warehouse, but the inside had been turned into a community center. It was probably just another one of the overbuilt buildings that had been repurposed. There were tones of those around as architects and city planners would miscalculate how many of a certain type of building were needed. Many places were repurposed, this was just another.
I stopped at the door and looked over to Gillab. âThis isnât going to do anything. Iâm just wasting time here.â
âNo, you arenât. Even if you donât realize it, you are healing. Even just walking around outside of your house and eating a half-decent meal has helped, I can see that. You arenât nearly as angry today as you were yesterday. Now go on, while you are doing this Iâm going to run some errands for you. You need real food in your house.â
âDonât bother, I donât know how to cook.â
âThen we will learn. I donât know how to cook Human food either. Kirala is the chef of the house.â
I thought to ask who Kirala was, but bit my tongue. Iâm not supposed to care. âWhatever, Iâm going in now.â
âSee you soon Billy.â
I shut the door behind me and took stock of the room around me. It was a waiting area complete with inoffensive paintings and beige seats. At the opposite end of the room was a woman sitting behind a counter, typing away on a computer. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to talk to her.
âHello, uhm, Iâm here for the veteransâ group therapy session.â
âOh course, thatâll be down that hall. Room number three, it should be on your left.â
I tried to stop bouncing my leg. âThank you.â
I didnât wait for a response and started down the hall, feeling a pit grow more and more in my stomach. What if this goes wrong? What if I just cause more problems? What if I ruin more peopleâs lives? What if I just make it worse?
I stopped in front of the door, my leg bouncing constantly. This was wrong, I shouldnât be here. Iâm unhelpable, I should just leave. Gillab said he was running errands, he wouldnât even know that I skipped it.
The pit in my stomach began clearing as I turned away, but I couldnât even take a single step before I stopped.
No, thatâs wrong. I made a promise to Gillab, so I have to do this. Not for me, but for him. Even if Iâm useless, I should still respect others.
But I could just lie, he wouldnât know any better.
But what if he finds out?
Getting chewed out later is much easier than going through with this.
Isnât this supposed to help though?
Do you think I deserve help?
Why⌠why shouldnât I?
Because of what Iâve done. Who I've hurt. Who I have killed. The lives I have ruined trying to help them. If I was anything other than dirt, I could have saved so many more and ruined so few. Now stop stalling, and walk-
âDo you need help, sir?â
My heart plummeted and the bouncing immediately started. I turned around nervously, trying to form a single cohesive thought. A man was standing halfway in the doorway.
Donât bother him, just say that Iâm in the wrong spot.
âUhh⌠N-â
My voice caught in my throat, almost causing me to cough.
âY-yes. Is this the v-veteransâ therapy thing?â
Why did I say that?
The man stepped out of the doorway, a small smile now on his face. âYep, this is it. You must be Billy, right? Charlotte told me that you were going to start showing up. Iâm Richard, and yes, my friends call me Dick.â
Richard stuck out his hand. I stared at it for a split second before realizing I needed to shake it. As I did, I realized that it felt wrong. It was too tough to be a normal Human hand, it was almost like metal.
I looked up from the hand. âY-youâre an amputee too?â
Richard smiled widely. âSure am. Lost it on Sillis to an Arxur. I can see - feel - that you lost an arm as well.â
âYeah⌠Iâd prefer n-not to talk about it.â
Richard lost his smile, but not his courtesy. âI understand. I wasnât able to even look at mine for a long time. Quite a few were just as unfortunate as us, a number of them come to these sessions as well. Would you like to step in? I was only going to leave to grab some refreshments.â
âS-sure. Yeah. Iâll find a seat.â
âGreat, Iâll be right back.â
Richard departed for the end of the hall, leaving me standing awkwardly in front of the door. I could feel the pit begin to grow again and my leg started to bounce furiously.
Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes?
Iâm in too deep now to back out, all I can do is go through the motions. Itâs just motions. Just another step. One more breath. Thatâs all I have to do.
I stepped into the room, keeping my head lowered the entire time. There were three other people in the room, chatting idly with one another. Two Humans were chatting together, only briefly pausing to glance at me before starting right back up. The Venlil looked up from his phone and patted the seat next to himself, inviting me to sit next to him.
I sighed internally and made my way over, not wanting to set myself apart as the outcast. The Venlil watched me sit and only started talking when I was settled in. âHi, Iâm Tunek.â
I gave him a short nod, looked away, and realized I was supposed to give my own name. âI-Iâm Billy.â
Tunek watched my hand for a moment, before leaning back in his chair. âSo, is this your first time being at one of these?â
I nodded quickly. âYes. Iâm only here because of a friend.â
Tunek nodded. âHey, as long as it gets you here. Just taking the first step is all it takes to start the journey. I stole that from Dick, but donât tell him I said that.â
I nodded. âSure.â
Tunek tilted his head in concern and moved to respond, but Richard returned just before he could speak. âAlright, Iâm back with the waters and the snacks, why donât we all grab one before we start?â
Everyone but me left their spot to grab something from the cooler that Richard brought back. The two Humans returned to their seats with some water and a cereal bar each, but Tunek hesitated when he started to return. He took a step, paused when he saw me, and turned back to grab another water and snack bar. He must have been hungry.
I looked down at myself as he walked back. Even if I was hungry, I didnât deserve something to eat. My suffering was my punishment for what I had done and what I had failed to do. I donât know why Iâm here, I donât deserve to get better. Iâm just dirt, I should just-
âHere you go.â
I looked up to see Tunek handing me a bottle of water and a piece of fruit leather. Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed them. âHowâd you know I was hungry?â
Tunek shrugged. âA hunch. Itâs a little early for dinner and a bit after lunch and I figured I would be peckish around this time so you might be as well.â
I set the water bottle to the side and peeled open the fruit leather. âThanksâŚâ
âNo problem.â
Richard took a sip of his water as I took my first bite, setting the bottle aside as he began to speak. âAlighty, now that everyone has something to keep them awake, I can start talking. As you might have noticed, we have a new member joining us today. So why donât we all introduce ourselves? John, do you want to start with a name and a little about yourself?â
The man with short, brown-blonde hair sat up straight. âSure, Iâll get this started. Iâm John, I served the UN for four years before we made first contact, but only served for one after. Iâm an only father, but I like to think that my wife is looking down from heaven trying to guide me. However, with how old Rachel is, it feels less like guiding and more strength-giving. Oh, and I hate the taste of lemons. I think thatâs about it.â
The mention of lemons caused my stomach to tie itself in a knot. James always hated the taste of lemons. Just another reminder of how useless I am.
The man to the left of John smiled. âI guess itâs my turn. My name is Carter. I served the UN for three years until I was discharged for repeated disorderly conduct. I was in a bad spot for a while, but with the help of Dick here I got out of it. Well, start getting out of it. I still have some⌠flare-ups, but thatâs why Iâm here.â
Carter smiled, but it was sad. Tunek let him have his moment of silence, encouraging the veteran to be with his emotions for a moment, before starting his own introduction. âWell, I guess you already know my name, but for the sake of completion, Iâll say it again. Iâm Tunek. I served the Venlil Space Force for around one Earth year before first contact, where I served with the UN until the conflict with the Yulpa on Grenelka. I⌠well⌠after that I couldnât serve anymore. Something else⌠Iâve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument properly, but never had the drive to do it. Thatâs about it for me. Dick, since you were so kind to leave yourself for last, I think itâs your turn.â
Richard chuckled. âYeah, I guess it is. Well, like I said earlier, my name is Richard, but donât be afraid to call me Dick. I come from a military family and have always known the dangers of signing up, but that didnât stop me. I didnât realize that the war was affecting me until Milieu. Then and there I knew what needed to be done. Once the war was over, I went straight to work creating this.â
Richard paused for a moment to catch his breath. âI knew that therapists were going to be swamped and many veterans were going to be left behind, so I took what little experience and knowledge I had with my military family and used it to help as many as I could. So now I meet with tons of veterans throughout the week to help them adjust to civilian life and overcome their internal struggles. Iâm glad that you have joined us today and hope that we give a good first impression.â
I wasnât ready for him to stop talking and scrambled to get my words out. âY-yeah. So far everyone seems nice.â
âWell, if itâs good for you then itâs good for me. With that all out of the way, why donât we jump right in? Iâm not the type to beat around the bush. Letâs start with a simple recap of the week. How have you all been this last week? Any wins, losses, jumps, or setbacks? Remember, thereâs no judgment here. We are all suffering together, but we heal together as well.â
The room was silent for a moment, everyone looking for someone else to start the chain, before Carter spoke up. âI guess Iâll go first, if youâll let me.â
Richard sat down. âOf course Carter, whenever you are ready.â
Carter nodded and propped himself up on his elbows. âI, uh⌠I had another meltdown, on Wednesday. It came out of nowhere. Happened in the middle of the supermarket, I thought I was⌠I managed to make it home in time before it really started, but just barely. I was hardly in my room before I started bawling. I⌠I feel so alone sometimes. I can be in the middle of the supermarket and feel like Iâve been stranded on an island alone f-for years. I m-miss them so much. Y-you all have made it easier, but sometimes⌠Sometimes itâs too much.â
John placed a hand on Carterâs back and Richard offered a concerned look. âIf you ever feel like that, feel free to call me.â
Carter sniffled and wiped away a forming tear. âI know, I know. Youâve told me before, and I almost did, but I thought that you wouldnât need me bothering you in the middle of the day.â
âCarter, you know I would drop anything to come to your help. Only me dying could stop me.â
Carter leaned back in his chair and laughed even as he wiped away another tear. âThank you, Dick, but please donât go dying. Youâre too nice for that.â
Richard smiled. âI donât plan on it anytime soon, Carter. I still have so many more people to help.â
After a moment of silence, John took the initiative and started his own story. âI had a pretty big win this last week. I finally made it through a whole week without having suicidal thoughts.â
Richard smiled widely. âThat's wonderful! I told you that you were making progress.â
âI know, but sometimes I feel like I have no purpose anymore. Itâs overwhelming. My daughter is old enough to care for herself, Iâm only working a menial labor job, I canât find any hobbies to enjoy⌠I feel like nothing.â
âBut you arenât ânothing,â you are you. And there is only one of you. I canât go out and find another John, or another Carter, or Tunek, or Billy. You are all unique, and losing you would be a tragedy.â
Before I could stop myself, I spoke. âAm I really worth saving?â
Everyone went silent for a moment, caught off guard by my words. After Richard deciphered the sudden question, he gave a response with absolute certainty. âAbsolutely. There is nothing in this world that canât be forgiven or overcome.â
âAre you sure? After the things Iâve done⌠forget I said anything.â
Richard shook his head. âI canât do that, Billy. I canât willingly ignore someone in need.â
âI donât need help. Iâm getting exactly what I deserve for what I have done.â
âAnd what have you done?â
âI⌠I donât want to talk about it.â
Richard sighed. âThatâs okay, for now. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it, but for now, you can just listen if you want to.â
âYeah. I think Iâm just going to listen.â
I leaned back and crossed my arms, letting Tunek speak his mind. âI think I know what you are going through. Not the specifics, but I think I can get a general idea.â
âNo, I donât think you do.â
Tunek was silent for a moment, before looking away from me and speaking. âI was on the Cradle when it fell, and on Sillis when the Arxur raided it, and on Milieu fighting off the Kolshians. I tried to save as many people as I could, but in the end, I could only make their passing less painful. I couldnât even save my partner. I froze in the moment. I could have saved him. But I was frozen in fear. His death is entirely on my shoulders. Iâm still fighting that to this day.â
I stared at Tunek for a second, before turning away and sighing. They didnât know what I was going through, no one could. They didnât know my crimes, if they did they would kick me out. Their problems, no matter how real, were nothing compared to mine. They still could be helped, I couldnât.
Could I? If all these people could heal, why couldnât I?
Because my crimes are too severe.
I⌠yeahâŚ
2024.05.21 14:55 mjShazam98 Watchlist Update: $SUUN breakout up 13% already + Adding $HOLO (a little skeptical with this one)
Hope everyone had a great start to the week! Let's jump straight into the updated analysis and the new addition to the watchlist! Here is the original post from Sunday, where I was watching the potential breakout $SUUN pennant pattern and a break or bounce of the $GWAV trendline ($GWAV was taken off due to the lack of volume yesterday). I am replacing it with $HOLO and doing some analysis on the stock's price action, so if you are interested, keep reading! (I wish I could provide the chart in this sub, but check out my profile if you would like to see my charts for $SUUN and $HOLO)
Before we get into the new addition, I want to highlight a perfect breakout of 13.5% WITH volume confirmation for $SUUN. This is exactly what I was anticipating, and now as the week goes on I am going to continue to monitor this stock to see if it can continue to make new highs. If it stays out above $5 the rest of the week, we can be looking at a future penny stock graduate⌠make sure to take profits where you deem fit!
submitted by mjShazam98 to pennystocks [link] [comments]
Before we get into the new addition, I want to highlight a perfect breakout of 13.5% WITH volume confirmation for $SUUN. This is exactly what I was anticipating, and now as the week goes on I am going to continue to monitor this stock to see if it can continue to make new highs. If it stays out above $5 the rest of the week, we can be looking at a future penny stock graduate⌠make sure to take profits where you deem fit!
- My TP is now $7.00 now that $6.30 and $6.50 TP have been hit.
- If it breaks above $7 watch out because this stock will be at all time highs which means there are no more resistances!
- Fintel.io: Short Interest = 23.66 %
- Benzinga: Short Interest =34.56%
- Finviz: Short Interest = 75.04%
- $2.60 - 36% from current price
- $3.50 - 55%
- $4.00+ - 82%
2024.05.21 14:52 Outrageous_Work_1404 The Elderly Woman and Her Lullaby
Two years ago, I took a part-time job that still haunts me to this day. I decided to finally write about my experience, hoping it might help me process everything. I was a college student, and like a lot of you, I needed a part-time job to help cover tuition and other expenses. After a long search, I found what seemed like the perfect job. It was a caregiver position, working from 5 PM to 9 PM, taking care of elderly people. The job was pretty straightforward, make sure they took their meds, had their meals, and just hang out with them for a few hours.
I got assigned to take care of this 85-year-old lady. Let's call her Mrs. Eleanor to keep things anonymous. She lived alone in this quaint little house on the edge of town. The place was old but well-kept, with a charming, slightly overgrown garden that probably hadn't seen a gardener in a few years. She had a small poodle named Max who was always by her side, following her around everywhere she went.
From the start, the house felt... off. There were no family pictures anywhere. I mean, you'd think at her age, she'd have photos of kids, grandkids, maybe an old lover or something. But no, nothing. It was weird. The walls were bare except for a few generic paintings. I asked her about it once, just casually during a conversation, but she brushed it off and changed the subject real quick. She had this look in her eyes, a mix of sadness and something I couldnât quite place. I didn't push it because I didn't want to lose the job, but it definitely made me curious.
My daily routine was simple enough. I'd get there around 5 PM, cook dinner, make sure she took her meds, and just keep her company for a few hours. Max, the poodle, was a friendly little guy, always happy to see me, wagging his tail and jumping around despite his age. Mrs. Eleanor, though, was polite but pretty reserved. She didnât talk much about her past or family, which just added to the mystery. Our conversations were always pretty basic, like talking about the weather or what was on the news.
Every evening, as I cleaned up after dinner, I'd hear Mrs. Eleanor singing a lullaby. It was the same soft, melodic tune every night, echoing through the quiet house. While the song was gentle, it really creeped me out. It felt so out of place in the otherwise silent house. She sang it every night, like clockwork, and it always made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Sometimes, I would find myself pausing my cleaning just to listen. The whole situation was unsettling. The house, the lack of family photos, the nightly lullaby, it all felt like pieces of a puzzle that didn't quite fit together. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was a deeper, darker story behind those melodies. It was like the house held secrets that it wasnât ready to share, and I was just an outsider peeking in.
As the weeks went by, my curiosity grew stronger. Why was she singing this lullaby every night? Who was it for? The routine stayed the same, but the sense of unease kept building. I had been given strict instructions by my employer not to go into Mrs. Eleanor's room. It was one of the non-negotiable rules of the job, probably to respect her privacy and maintain professional boundaries. One evening, while I was cleaning the dishes, I noticed that the door to Mrs. Eleanor's small office was slightly opened. She had always kept it closed and had told me it was just a mess she didn't want me to fuss around with. But that evening, the door was invitingly open. Hearing her close the bathroom door upstairs, I decided to take the chance and peek inside the office.
The room looked straight out of the 1960s. Blue walls, a small single bed, and a wooden desk cluttered with old papers. There was a small closet to the left that caught my eye. The whole setup struck me as odd. This room, which looked like it belonged to a young boy, was in the home of an elderly woman living alone. There were no pictures, no personal belongings, nothing to explain why this room was here. I couldn't explore more because I heard footsteps right above me, making my heart race. Panicking, I quickly closed the door and hurried back to the kitchen. The rest of the evening went by uneventfully. I gave her the necessary pills, made sure she was comfortable, and left for the night. But I couldnât stop thinking about that room. Why would she have a boy's room in her house if she had no children? The thought gnawed at me, creating a whirlwind of questions.
The next day, my curiosity got the better of me. I decided to do some research on Mrs. Eleanor. I spent hours online, searching for any information about her. But nothing came up. No social media profiles, no news articles, nothing. Not a single piece of information about her life.
It was baffling and left me with more questions than answers. I returned to work after the weekend, determined to find out more. That evening, as usual, I prepared dinner and ensured Mrs. Eleanor took her medication. Then I waited for her to go to the bathroom. The moment I heard the bathroom door close, I quickly made my way to the office. The room was just as I had left it, with that same lingering, musty smell hanging in the air. This time, I opened the closet. Inside, I found small boxes, stacked neatly but covered in a thin layer of dust. My heart pounded as I opened one to find baby clothes, tiny socks, pants, and sweaters, all meant for a baby boy. They were neatly folded and seemed well-preserved, despite their apparent age. But why would Mrs. Eleanor have these?
The discovery left me with more questions than answers. I went back to making dinner, trying to process what I had found. My mind was racing with possibilities, but none of them made any sense. Was it possible she had a child once? If so, where was he now? That night, as usual, Mrs. Eleanor began singing her lullaby. Normally, this song would send shivers down my spine, creeping me out every time. But this night was different. Instead of fear, I felt a surge of curiosity that I couldnât ignore. I went upstairs quietly and with each step up, the lullaby grew louder. The door to her bedroom was almost closed but had a small gap, just enough for me to peek through. She always left a gap, saying it was to let Max come and go as he pleased. I peered through the gap and was shocked by what I saw.
There, Mrs. Eleanor was sitting in a rocking chair, gently swaying back and forth. She was holding Max in her arms, cradling him like a baby, and singing softly to him. Next to her was a small wooden cradle, old and worn, as if it hadn't been used in years. She continued her lullaby, her voice soft and melodic, but now it felt more sad than creepy. Her gentle rocking, the way she cradled Max, and the soft melody of the lullaby created an image that was hard to shake. I slowly backed away from the door, not wanting to intrude any further. I went back downstairs, my mind spinning from what I had just seen.
This made me think and start connecting all the dots. Was she pretending her dog was a baby? A baby she never had? I could be wrong, but that would make sense, right? The boyâs room, the baby clothes, no pictures, no husband, no children, just her and her dog, whom she pretended was her own son.
There are many possibilities. Maybe she lost her child during a miscarriage, or the son died somehow. Itâs heartbreaking to think about, but I had no way of knowing for sure since there was nothing about her online. I even asked my boss about Mrs. Eleanor, trying to get some information about her past. My boss didnât know much either, just that Mrs. Eleanor had always been a bit reserved and private. She mentioned that Mrs. Eleanor had experienced some tragic losses and that she was now quite lonely, with some health issues typical for her age, but nothing specific.
I worked out the rest of the week, but everything felt so creepy and intense. The quiet dinners together, the silence in the house, the haunting lullaby, it all felt like I was living in some kind of ghost story. Each night, as I lay in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen. The pieces seemed to fit together, but they painted a picture that was too tragic and eerie for me to handle. Even during the day, I found myself distracted, replaying conversations with Mrs. Eleanor in my mind, looking for clues I might have missed. I thought about asking her directly but quickly dismissed the idea. It felt too intrusive, and honestly, I was scared of what I might uncover. There was a part of me that didn't want to know the full story because the fragments I had were already too much.
I noticed more details that added to the unsettling atmosphere. The way Mrs. Eleanor would sometimes pause mid-sentence as if lost in a distant memory, or how she would stroke Max's fur with a faraway look in her eyes. The house itself seemed to hold its breath.
I made my decision, I sent a text message to my boss saying I couldnât continue with the job and that I was quitting immediately. I didnât even say goodbye to Mrs. Eleanor. It felt wrong and I knew it was rude, but I just couldnât bring myself to face her again. The thought of another day in that house, surrounded by haunting memories and unanswered questions, was too much for me to handle.
I felt a mix of guilt and relief. Guilt for leaving without a proper goodbye, for abandoning Mrs. Eleanor when she clearly needed someone. But also relief, knowing that I wouldnât have to endure another evening of lullabies and unsettling silences. I knew I was being cowardly, but I just couldnât do it. The experience had taken a toll on me, and I needed to get out. The whole experience was something I couldnât shake off easily. It made me think a lot about the hidden struggles people face and the ways they cope with their pain. Mrs. Eleanor's story, whatever the full truth was, taught me that sometimes, the past can cast a long shadow over the present.
So, that's my story. It was a job I thought would be simple, but it ended up being one of the most emotionally intense experiences of my life.
submitted by Outrageous_Work_1404 to LetsReadOfficial [link] [comments]
I got assigned to take care of this 85-year-old lady. Let's call her Mrs. Eleanor to keep things anonymous. She lived alone in this quaint little house on the edge of town. The place was old but well-kept, with a charming, slightly overgrown garden that probably hadn't seen a gardener in a few years. She had a small poodle named Max who was always by her side, following her around everywhere she went.
From the start, the house felt... off. There were no family pictures anywhere. I mean, you'd think at her age, she'd have photos of kids, grandkids, maybe an old lover or something. But no, nothing. It was weird. The walls were bare except for a few generic paintings. I asked her about it once, just casually during a conversation, but she brushed it off and changed the subject real quick. She had this look in her eyes, a mix of sadness and something I couldnât quite place. I didn't push it because I didn't want to lose the job, but it definitely made me curious.
My daily routine was simple enough. I'd get there around 5 PM, cook dinner, make sure she took her meds, and just keep her company for a few hours. Max, the poodle, was a friendly little guy, always happy to see me, wagging his tail and jumping around despite his age. Mrs. Eleanor, though, was polite but pretty reserved. She didnât talk much about her past or family, which just added to the mystery. Our conversations were always pretty basic, like talking about the weather or what was on the news.
Every evening, as I cleaned up after dinner, I'd hear Mrs. Eleanor singing a lullaby. It was the same soft, melodic tune every night, echoing through the quiet house. While the song was gentle, it really creeped me out. It felt so out of place in the otherwise silent house. She sang it every night, like clockwork, and it always made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Sometimes, I would find myself pausing my cleaning just to listen. The whole situation was unsettling. The house, the lack of family photos, the nightly lullaby, it all felt like pieces of a puzzle that didn't quite fit together. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was a deeper, darker story behind those melodies. It was like the house held secrets that it wasnât ready to share, and I was just an outsider peeking in.
As the weeks went by, my curiosity grew stronger. Why was she singing this lullaby every night? Who was it for? The routine stayed the same, but the sense of unease kept building. I had been given strict instructions by my employer not to go into Mrs. Eleanor's room. It was one of the non-negotiable rules of the job, probably to respect her privacy and maintain professional boundaries. One evening, while I was cleaning the dishes, I noticed that the door to Mrs. Eleanor's small office was slightly opened. She had always kept it closed and had told me it was just a mess she didn't want me to fuss around with. But that evening, the door was invitingly open. Hearing her close the bathroom door upstairs, I decided to take the chance and peek inside the office.
The room looked straight out of the 1960s. Blue walls, a small single bed, and a wooden desk cluttered with old papers. There was a small closet to the left that caught my eye. The whole setup struck me as odd. This room, which looked like it belonged to a young boy, was in the home of an elderly woman living alone. There were no pictures, no personal belongings, nothing to explain why this room was here. I couldn't explore more because I heard footsteps right above me, making my heart race. Panicking, I quickly closed the door and hurried back to the kitchen. The rest of the evening went by uneventfully. I gave her the necessary pills, made sure she was comfortable, and left for the night. But I couldnât stop thinking about that room. Why would she have a boy's room in her house if she had no children? The thought gnawed at me, creating a whirlwind of questions.
The next day, my curiosity got the better of me. I decided to do some research on Mrs. Eleanor. I spent hours online, searching for any information about her. But nothing came up. No social media profiles, no news articles, nothing. Not a single piece of information about her life.
It was baffling and left me with more questions than answers. I returned to work after the weekend, determined to find out more. That evening, as usual, I prepared dinner and ensured Mrs. Eleanor took her medication. Then I waited for her to go to the bathroom. The moment I heard the bathroom door close, I quickly made my way to the office. The room was just as I had left it, with that same lingering, musty smell hanging in the air. This time, I opened the closet. Inside, I found small boxes, stacked neatly but covered in a thin layer of dust. My heart pounded as I opened one to find baby clothes, tiny socks, pants, and sweaters, all meant for a baby boy. They were neatly folded and seemed well-preserved, despite their apparent age. But why would Mrs. Eleanor have these?
The discovery left me with more questions than answers. I went back to making dinner, trying to process what I had found. My mind was racing with possibilities, but none of them made any sense. Was it possible she had a child once? If so, where was he now? That night, as usual, Mrs. Eleanor began singing her lullaby. Normally, this song would send shivers down my spine, creeping me out every time. But this night was different. Instead of fear, I felt a surge of curiosity that I couldnât ignore. I went upstairs quietly and with each step up, the lullaby grew louder. The door to her bedroom was almost closed but had a small gap, just enough for me to peek through. She always left a gap, saying it was to let Max come and go as he pleased. I peered through the gap and was shocked by what I saw.
There, Mrs. Eleanor was sitting in a rocking chair, gently swaying back and forth. She was holding Max in her arms, cradling him like a baby, and singing softly to him. Next to her was a small wooden cradle, old and worn, as if it hadn't been used in years. She continued her lullaby, her voice soft and melodic, but now it felt more sad than creepy. Her gentle rocking, the way she cradled Max, and the soft melody of the lullaby created an image that was hard to shake. I slowly backed away from the door, not wanting to intrude any further. I went back downstairs, my mind spinning from what I had just seen.
This made me think and start connecting all the dots. Was she pretending her dog was a baby? A baby she never had? I could be wrong, but that would make sense, right? The boyâs room, the baby clothes, no pictures, no husband, no children, just her and her dog, whom she pretended was her own son.
There are many possibilities. Maybe she lost her child during a miscarriage, or the son died somehow. Itâs heartbreaking to think about, but I had no way of knowing for sure since there was nothing about her online. I even asked my boss about Mrs. Eleanor, trying to get some information about her past. My boss didnât know much either, just that Mrs. Eleanor had always been a bit reserved and private. She mentioned that Mrs. Eleanor had experienced some tragic losses and that she was now quite lonely, with some health issues typical for her age, but nothing specific.
I worked out the rest of the week, but everything felt so creepy and intense. The quiet dinners together, the silence in the house, the haunting lullaby, it all felt like I was living in some kind of ghost story. Each night, as I lay in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen. The pieces seemed to fit together, but they painted a picture that was too tragic and eerie for me to handle. Even during the day, I found myself distracted, replaying conversations with Mrs. Eleanor in my mind, looking for clues I might have missed. I thought about asking her directly but quickly dismissed the idea. It felt too intrusive, and honestly, I was scared of what I might uncover. There was a part of me that didn't want to know the full story because the fragments I had were already too much.
I noticed more details that added to the unsettling atmosphere. The way Mrs. Eleanor would sometimes pause mid-sentence as if lost in a distant memory, or how she would stroke Max's fur with a faraway look in her eyes. The house itself seemed to hold its breath.
I made my decision, I sent a text message to my boss saying I couldnât continue with the job and that I was quitting immediately. I didnât even say goodbye to Mrs. Eleanor. It felt wrong and I knew it was rude, but I just couldnât bring myself to face her again. The thought of another day in that house, surrounded by haunting memories and unanswered questions, was too much for me to handle.
I felt a mix of guilt and relief. Guilt for leaving without a proper goodbye, for abandoning Mrs. Eleanor when she clearly needed someone. But also relief, knowing that I wouldnât have to endure another evening of lullabies and unsettling silences. I knew I was being cowardly, but I just couldnât do it. The experience had taken a toll on me, and I needed to get out. The whole experience was something I couldnât shake off easily. It made me think a lot about the hidden struggles people face and the ways they cope with their pain. Mrs. Eleanor's story, whatever the full truth was, taught me that sometimes, the past can cast a long shadow over the present.
So, that's my story. It was a job I thought would be simple, but it ended up being one of the most emotionally intense experiences of my life.
2024.05.21 14:52 Little-Unit-1770 [Online][5e][MST][Saturday Mornings / Afternoons][21+] seeking Queer / Women / NB players for a homebrew-ish, roleplay-focused game
Hey there everyone! Iâm Z (he/they) & Iâm looking to run a slow-paced, roleplay-heavy game with a focus on queer players & narratives. Experience doesn't matter, I love having newer players in my games!
I know this is long, but please read it throughly! The application isn't much shorter and I don't want to waste your time. I will be keeping the application up and reposting through the week, so there's no rush!
I also really shouldn't have to say this, but considering the only comments I got on my first post were negative: please don't harass me for wanting to run a safe table for people. Or, if you do, at least acknowledge the irony. . . This is a handicapped parking space; I know it's empty, but so are the dozens of spaces around it.
A little more about me - I'm 32 and Iâve been playing since 2017, mostly as a DM. Before the pandemic I ran a lot of local store games and âhow to DM eventsâ for adults, as well as library games for kids. It took me a while to adjust to playing online but now I prefer it, as itâs allowed me to find a whole new love for the game playing with different kinds of people and focusing on intentionally creating a safe space for those who donât feel comfortable at most tables.
Format - I would like to run weekly voice sessions on discord (with optional cameras) using roll20 as our VTT & the option to roleplay via text on the server throughout the week, with either other PCs or NPCs - I also like doing lore drops this way, or giving previews to other things that are happening in the world. I like dndbeyond for character sheets (and Iâm happy to share all my content), but as long as I can see them, you can run them wherever. I am bad about using music bots on discord, so I would love it if someone knew how that all worked and could help with that, otherwise I can share playlists on spotify.
Scheduling - I would like to play anytime between 8am MST in the mornings and letâs say 4pm or so on Saturdays, and again weâd be shooting for every week, but obviously life happens and we might need to take a week off. It would also be lovely if you have a slightly flexible schedule just in case, as I can occasionally play on Sundays or Mondays as well. Sessions can be anywhere from 2 hours to 4 or 5 hours, depending on the amount of roleplay. I leave a lot of space in my game for in-character conversations, so if you are someone who gets bored easily / doesnât care about the game if it doesnât directly involve your character, this is not the game for you.
For this reason, I prefer running smaller groups, 3-4 being the sweet spot.
Mechanics - weâre playing 5e* and the asterisk represents all the stupid rules that make the game less fun that I ignore or change. I care more about the story and roleplaying than the mechanics, I very much default to the ârule of coolâ or letting the dice decide your fate. I am very much on your side and if it ever feels like Iâm not, please let me know. The basics are I donât make you track food/arrows/ etc. and if you forget or misunderstand something major Iâll remind you or clarify. I also donât care too much about times for donning / doffing armor and using action economy to pull out a weapon - weâve all woken up well past our alarm and still made it to work on time; you can get your armor on for that middle of the night combat.
In a similar manner, weâre playing Dragons of Shipwreck Isle* where the asterisk represents all the parts of the adventure that Iâm gonna change and try to make more interesting. I would ask for yâall not to metagame and look up the adventure, but mostly because if youâre comparing the module to what I run, itâs not going to line up and it will probably end up frustrating you. I am also looking at other modules as well but instead of listing them all, in the question on the form where I ask if youâve played this specific module before, please list all of the ones youâve played instead of just saying yes or no. I don't like feeling like I need to trick my players into playing attention during the game, so I like players who pick up on these details.
Hard lines / veils in game - racism / sexism / homophobia / transphobia are NOT built into my fantasy worlds; we deal with that enough irl. I also donât fuck with slavery, SA (this includes during combat, assault is assault even if they are a âbad guyâ) or ERP. Anything sexual will be implied / fade to black, but I would prefer things not get too sexual. I donât mind in character romance between PCs, but I would appreciate a heads up if you want an NPC romance for your character - and I will be checking in with everyone about your comfort level with this, if you want absolutely no flirting towards your character from any NPC please let me know that as well.
I will also stay away from harming kids / pets / elderly, and anything you would like to list as a hard line (something you donât want showing up in the game at all) or veil (something that can be alluded to, just not graphically detailed). I will say there are heavy themes of undead present in the module at the beginning, and zombies / undead are a personal favorite monster of mine to use so PLEASE do not apply to this game if you donât like fighting undead! My descriptions can get graphic at times when it comes to monsters & combat, but I will likely gross myself out before it becomes too gratuitous.
Triggers - even if you donât think it will come up in game, triggers can unfortunately pop up with silly memes or jokes ooc. If thereâs a certain image / idea that totally squicks you out and you donât want them included ANYWHERE on the server, please let me know! Everyoneâs comfort is a top priority to me, and keeping your triggers out of our safe space is really important to me.
Morality - I love moral ambiguity, but I genuinely donât want any evil aligned characters. This is a collaborative game that requires everyone to work together to some extent; you donât have to be instant best friends in character, but you will need you to communicate and check in ooc if tensions rise up in character. Play your character true to their actions, but make sure that their actions are fun and interesting for everyone involved, not just you.
I also always allow non-lethal combat options, such as knocking sentient creatures unconscious. I encourage trying to persuade / lie / bargain with those you have captured, but I will not condone outright torture. That said, there will be humanoid bad guys who wonât always be the most reasonable people, and may not collaborate.
Safety Tools - outside of open communication in discussing boundaries & triggers, I encourage the âX cardâ method - whenever anyone gets uncomfortable and wants to immediately stop a scene, you can send a literal âXâ in either the main chat or to me privately and we will stop immediately. Ideally, we can get on the same page easily about comfort levels and everyone here will feel okay coming to me with any issues they have, but we are all human and things can pop up.
Expectations - The only thing I really ask out of yâall as my player is for open communication and I will always try my best to do the same. If something isnât vibing with you or it makes you uncomfortable, even if itâs something little, please tell me. I expect you to be engaged with the story, and encourage you to keep some sort of notes / inventory / âto do listâ for the game. I also would really appreciate feedback - not just for how I run the game, but what you want to see in the game so I can put it in there. If someoneâs character is interested in a specific realm of study in history / arcana / nature, I can build that into the lore. Same thing if you want to find a specific item or learn how to do a certain skill - let me know either in or out of character and Iâll try to make it happen!
Starting point - I am intentionally keeping this part loosey-goosey to accommodate players backstories & experiences! Mechanically, you will start at either level 1 or 2 with Point Buy for stats, and I am imagining getting to at least level 5, but it really depends. The loose idea I have right now is that yâall are traveling on a ship from Neverwinter to an island where you will likely be for several weeks in character, but I want to leave the overall âwhyâ up to the individual players and group. It will likely take about a dozen or so sessions, but I am happy to play for as long as my players want to keep doing things in character!
If you havenât been put off by the amount of text, please click the link below to apply. If you thought this was too much and you skimmed the post to find this link, youâre probably going to get bored before you finish applying lol
best of luck!
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSefOJuSFuzromCph2g6eBmeMEoIEH1t2grCuIbLa6O_i-9CWw/viewform?usp=sf_link
submitted by Little-Unit-1770 to lfg [link] [comments]
I know this is long, but please read it throughly! The application isn't much shorter and I don't want to waste your time. I will be keeping the application up and reposting through the week, so there's no rush!
I also really shouldn't have to say this, but considering the only comments I got on my first post were negative: please don't harass me for wanting to run a safe table for people. Or, if you do, at least acknowledge the irony. . . This is a handicapped parking space; I know it's empty, but so are the dozens of spaces around it.
A little more about me - I'm 32 and Iâve been playing since 2017, mostly as a DM. Before the pandemic I ran a lot of local store games and âhow to DM eventsâ for adults, as well as library games for kids. It took me a while to adjust to playing online but now I prefer it, as itâs allowed me to find a whole new love for the game playing with different kinds of people and focusing on intentionally creating a safe space for those who donât feel comfortable at most tables.
Format - I would like to run weekly voice sessions on discord (with optional cameras) using roll20 as our VTT & the option to roleplay via text on the server throughout the week, with either other PCs or NPCs - I also like doing lore drops this way, or giving previews to other things that are happening in the world. I like dndbeyond for character sheets (and Iâm happy to share all my content), but as long as I can see them, you can run them wherever. I am bad about using music bots on discord, so I would love it if someone knew how that all worked and could help with that, otherwise I can share playlists on spotify.
Scheduling - I would like to play anytime between 8am MST in the mornings and letâs say 4pm or so on Saturdays, and again weâd be shooting for every week, but obviously life happens and we might need to take a week off. It would also be lovely if you have a slightly flexible schedule just in case, as I can occasionally play on Sundays or Mondays as well. Sessions can be anywhere from 2 hours to 4 or 5 hours, depending on the amount of roleplay. I leave a lot of space in my game for in-character conversations, so if you are someone who gets bored easily / doesnât care about the game if it doesnât directly involve your character, this is not the game for you.
For this reason, I prefer running smaller groups, 3-4 being the sweet spot.
Mechanics - weâre playing 5e* and the asterisk represents all the stupid rules that make the game less fun that I ignore or change. I care more about the story and roleplaying than the mechanics, I very much default to the ârule of coolâ or letting the dice decide your fate. I am very much on your side and if it ever feels like Iâm not, please let me know. The basics are I donât make you track food/arrows/ etc. and if you forget or misunderstand something major Iâll remind you or clarify. I also donât care too much about times for donning / doffing armor and using action economy to pull out a weapon - weâve all woken up well past our alarm and still made it to work on time; you can get your armor on for that middle of the night combat.
In a similar manner, weâre playing Dragons of Shipwreck Isle* where the asterisk represents all the parts of the adventure that Iâm gonna change and try to make more interesting. I would ask for yâall not to metagame and look up the adventure, but mostly because if youâre comparing the module to what I run, itâs not going to line up and it will probably end up frustrating you. I am also looking at other modules as well but instead of listing them all, in the question on the form where I ask if youâve played this specific module before, please list all of the ones youâve played instead of just saying yes or no. I don't like feeling like I need to trick my players into playing attention during the game, so I like players who pick up on these details.
Hard lines / veils in game - racism / sexism / homophobia / transphobia are NOT built into my fantasy worlds; we deal with that enough irl. I also donât fuck with slavery, SA (this includes during combat, assault is assault even if they are a âbad guyâ) or ERP. Anything sexual will be implied / fade to black, but I would prefer things not get too sexual. I donât mind in character romance between PCs, but I would appreciate a heads up if you want an NPC romance for your character - and I will be checking in with everyone about your comfort level with this, if you want absolutely no flirting towards your character from any NPC please let me know that as well.
I will also stay away from harming kids / pets / elderly, and anything you would like to list as a hard line (something you donât want showing up in the game at all) or veil (something that can be alluded to, just not graphically detailed). I will say there are heavy themes of undead present in the module at the beginning, and zombies / undead are a personal favorite monster of mine to use so PLEASE do not apply to this game if you donât like fighting undead! My descriptions can get graphic at times when it comes to monsters & combat, but I will likely gross myself out before it becomes too gratuitous.
Triggers - even if you donât think it will come up in game, triggers can unfortunately pop up with silly memes or jokes ooc. If thereâs a certain image / idea that totally squicks you out and you donât want them included ANYWHERE on the server, please let me know! Everyoneâs comfort is a top priority to me, and keeping your triggers out of our safe space is really important to me.
Morality - I love moral ambiguity, but I genuinely donât want any evil aligned characters. This is a collaborative game that requires everyone to work together to some extent; you donât have to be instant best friends in character, but you will need you to communicate and check in ooc if tensions rise up in character. Play your character true to their actions, but make sure that their actions are fun and interesting for everyone involved, not just you.
I also always allow non-lethal combat options, such as knocking sentient creatures unconscious. I encourage trying to persuade / lie / bargain with those you have captured, but I will not condone outright torture. That said, there will be humanoid bad guys who wonât always be the most reasonable people, and may not collaborate.
Safety Tools - outside of open communication in discussing boundaries & triggers, I encourage the âX cardâ method - whenever anyone gets uncomfortable and wants to immediately stop a scene, you can send a literal âXâ in either the main chat or to me privately and we will stop immediately. Ideally, we can get on the same page easily about comfort levels and everyone here will feel okay coming to me with any issues they have, but we are all human and things can pop up.
Expectations - The only thing I really ask out of yâall as my player is for open communication and I will always try my best to do the same. If something isnât vibing with you or it makes you uncomfortable, even if itâs something little, please tell me. I expect you to be engaged with the story, and encourage you to keep some sort of notes / inventory / âto do listâ for the game. I also would really appreciate feedback - not just for how I run the game, but what you want to see in the game so I can put it in there. If someoneâs character is interested in a specific realm of study in history / arcana / nature, I can build that into the lore. Same thing if you want to find a specific item or learn how to do a certain skill - let me know either in or out of character and Iâll try to make it happen!
Starting point - I am intentionally keeping this part loosey-goosey to accommodate players backstories & experiences! Mechanically, you will start at either level 1 or 2 with Point Buy for stats, and I am imagining getting to at least level 5, but it really depends. The loose idea I have right now is that yâall are traveling on a ship from Neverwinter to an island where you will likely be for several weeks in character, but I want to leave the overall âwhyâ up to the individual players and group. It will likely take about a dozen or so sessions, but I am happy to play for as long as my players want to keep doing things in character!
If you havenât been put off by the amount of text, please click the link below to apply. If you thought this was too much and you skimmed the post to find this link, youâre probably going to get bored before you finish applying lol
best of luck!
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSefOJuSFuzromCph2g6eBmeMEoIEH1t2grCuIbLa6O_i-9CWw/viewform?usp=sf_link
2024.05.21 14:52 EmilyEmlz Name Issue
I randomly clicked on âUser Profileâ all the way at the bottom on My Binghamton, and it shows âfirstname lastname Jr.â but there is no âJr.â to my name at all.
It seems to not show on unofficial transcripts or anywhere else.
Michelle Lewis sent me a form to fill out, but has disregarded and not acknowledged my concern on how the form does not have a section for âtitles.â Only first name, last name, and middle initials. So, how the hell am I suppose to make the change when thereâs not option for it.
Iâm wondering if this is just their system being dumb. Does it show âJr.â on anyone elseâs account too?
submitted by EmilyEmlz to BinghamtonUniversity [link] [comments]
It seems to not show on unofficial transcripts or anywhere else.
Michelle Lewis sent me a form to fill out, but has disregarded and not acknowledged my concern on how the form does not have a section for âtitles.â Only first name, last name, and middle initials. So, how the hell am I suppose to make the change when thereâs not option for it.
Iâm wondering if this is just their system being dumb. Does it show âJr.â on anyone elseâs account too?
2024.05.21 14:51 digitalcrunch First attempt at planted tank... tadpoles, why not?
2024.05.21 14:51 Birbolio Is it weird that I donât like the recent changes?
Iâm going to preface by saying that I am a Boothill fan and am very upset about the relic changes so I want to make my bias clear but this will be a discussion outside of that.
I really like firefly and along with most people were upset with the state of her current kit. I genuinely wanted it to change but honestly after sleeping on these changes I donât think they fix her core issues. First and foremost. Yes she is now a lot stronger. But damage was never her issue? Even pre buffs she was hitting top tier dps levels. Thatâs not to say that damage buffs are bad, I would be happy if they buffed her damage ALONG SIDE her play style.
I think the real issue was how restrictive her teams were and how unsatisfying her damage felt. I think both of these issues still exist in her current kit. Her teams havenât changed at all, she still really wants HMC and Ruan Mei with barely any (if any) room to change. Additionally, I would still consider her playstyle unsatisfing. Of course this is personal preference but I know Iâm not the only one who thinks this since there has been a few very upvoted posts on the subs about it. The fact that she does all the slashes doing 10k damage and then the explosion does 500k just doesnât feel good. I know this may not seem like a big deal but when you play a character a lot which I would like to you start to feel those kinds of issues.
But what do you guys think? Is more damage and an extra turn enough to put those issues aside?
submitted by Birbolio to FireflyMains [link] [comments]
I really like firefly and along with most people were upset with the state of her current kit. I genuinely wanted it to change but honestly after sleeping on these changes I donât think they fix her core issues. First and foremost. Yes she is now a lot stronger. But damage was never her issue? Even pre buffs she was hitting top tier dps levels. Thatâs not to say that damage buffs are bad, I would be happy if they buffed her damage ALONG SIDE her play style.
I think the real issue was how restrictive her teams were and how unsatisfying her damage felt. I think both of these issues still exist in her current kit. Her teams havenât changed at all, she still really wants HMC and Ruan Mei with barely any (if any) room to change. Additionally, I would still consider her playstyle unsatisfing. Of course this is personal preference but I know Iâm not the only one who thinks this since there has been a few very upvoted posts on the subs about it. The fact that she does all the slashes doing 10k damage and then the explosion does 500k just doesnât feel good. I know this may not seem like a big deal but when you play a character a lot which I would like to you start to feel those kinds of issues.
But what do you guys think? Is more damage and an extra turn enough to put those issues aside?
2024.05.21 14:46 CalebVanPoneisen The Five Orbs of Knowledge
âWill you look at that,â Captain Yontan marveled from the observation deck. They had arrived in the Solar System at long last, the old bastion of knowledge mankind had abandoned many millennia ago.
âSuch a basic tech, yet so beautiful, so⌠poetic,â Lezlybe uttered, gazing at the constant flux of Sunfire Conduit pulled from the sun to one, two, three relays, and finally to the surface of Pluto, where its energy was being harnessed inside a crater. âAnd youâre certain thatâs where the Ultimate Knowledge is stored?â
âYes,â Yontan nodded. âEvery clue leads to Pluto. Can you imagine? The Ultimate Knowledge, lost for millennia, on this planet out of all places.â
âReady to descend at your command, captain,â announced Ghenna.
Yontan turned to his crew and smiled. It was the first time they had seen him do that in months. âHover around the south-south-eastern quadrant of the crater. Thatâs where the entrance is supposed to be.â
âYes, Sir!â
Lezlybeâs turned to face the captain, her long black hair swirling around with her.
âWouldnât that energy burn us on approach?â
âIt might be basic tech, but not that basic, Lez,â said Yontan. âItâs safe up to a distance of 100 meters. Donât underestimate the intelligence of our ancestors because they built this thing in the distant past. They were as smart as us. Smarter even, in certain aspects, Iâm sure.â
âFound the entrance, captain,â said Ghenna. It was a pale peach colored door built on the craterside.
âLand near it, wherever itâs stable.â
âYes, Sir!â
The ship touched down next to the Hollis Crater. Yontan and four others suited up and left the craft. Before heading for the door, the team stopped to gaze at the Sunfire Conduit from their position. It went up, up, up as far as the eye could see.
Jmerr was awestruck.
âI canât believe weâre able to look at it with basic sun visors. Do you think our ancestors purposefully designed it like that?â
âOf course,â said Yontan, mesmerized by the spiraling blaze swooshing down the crater. âAesthetics have always been important, especially since it used to be connected to three planets, two dwarf planets, and eight moons. Many renown painters have depicted the Conduits in their art. Although no physical portraits survived, their works have been well documented over hundreds of books.â
Lezlybe approached Jmerr and put her hand over his shoulder.
âI kind of wish we could hear its thunderous sound. I imagine itâd be a satisfying swoosh, kind of like a blowtorch.â
âYouâd be deaf before youâd hear a thing,â laughed Yontan. âWeâre speaking of extremely powerful jets coming from a star, after all. I canât wait to see why theyâre pulling so much energy on such a small planet. Itâs totally excessive in my view.â
âMaybe itâs not,â said Lezlybe. âEspecially if the Ultimate Knowledge is behind this door.â
The team approached the door, a small black panel to its side. Yontan placed a round device on top and, seconds later, it retracted into the ground.
âA Grampus?â frowned Jmerr, even though no one could see his face behind the visor. âWhy do you use this old AI?â
âBecause I donât know the code,â explained Yontan as they stepped inside a long hall. âSo I brought this device with me to crack the password. Donât forget that this here is also old tech. Newer devices could break something.â He glanced over his shoulder at the wide-open entryway with the ship not too far behind. âBut it looks like the Grampus broke it anyway since it doesnât slide shut.â
At the end of the wide turquoise hall, another door was easily popped open with Yontanâs device. This time, however, the heavy door closed shut when the last person stepped in.
âI hope weâre not trapped in this small room,â gulped Lezlybe.
âDonât worry, we can ask someone on board to cut it open if needed,â said Yontan. âAfter all we ââ
PSHHHHHHHH
A burst of gas sprayed them from all sides, followed by a shower of heavy liquid. A few moments after it stopped, the door in front of them opened, and a gentle male voice greeted them.
âWelcome to U.K. ONE. The current air pressure is at 101.3 kilopascals, with a temperature of 22.4 degrees Celsius and a humidity level set at 60% RH.â
The voice then proceeded to inform them about the roomâs condition among other sets of data.
âI see. We were inside a basic decompression chamber,â muttered Jmerr.
The tallest crewmate, Lessandre, popped his helmet off and took a deep breath.
âAh, historical fresh air,â he boomed, looking around the oval room. âIt brings a tear to my eye.â
âWhat are you doing?â Yontan shouted. âWe donât know what particles or microorganisms could linger in here.â
âRelax, captain. Tyche analyzed the air and told me itâs fine. Why donât you all retract your visors and experience this multimillennial-old air? Youâll never have the chance to do that again, you know.â
Yontan checked with his own version of his AI, Tyche, and everything seemed to be fine, so he retracted the visor of his helmet as well, just in time to scratch an itch on his beard. The rest of the crew followed, except for Jmerr.
âCome on, Jmerr. Itâs a unique experience, my friend,â beamed Lessandre, tapping on his shoulder.
Jmerr scowled at Lessandre. âI refuse to take unnecessary risks.â
âAs you wish,â Lessandre grinned, loudly sniffing the air. âAhhh. The air in here is exceptionally⌠how to describe it?â
âDusty?â Lezlybe chimed in. âI think the auto-clean on the filter stopped working long ago.â
Yontan was ignoring his crew, inspecting the walls of this oval room for clues. But the room was pretty much empty, outside of the air conditioning holes and lights flickering on the ceiling.
âI know thereâs another door on the other side of the crater, but that oneâs the entrance to the accumulator and workspaces,â he muttered to himself, caressing the wall in the hopes of finding a button or a gap of sorts.
âIs that place also turquoise?â asked Lessandre. âI really hate this color. Reminds me too much of my ex.â
Lezlybe rolled her eyes.
âThen why donât we go there?â asked Ghenna, who had closed her visor since she didnât like the smell.
âBecause,â began Yontan absent-mindedly while brushing his hands over the wall, âevery document points to this place. Weâll check the other site if we donât find anything here. Now if only I â aha! A button. This might be it.â
Yontan pushed it with his finger. Instead of clicking, like any other button would, his index finger sank completely in. He immediately withdrew it, fearing something might cut his finger off. But the button came back, except it was now white and protruded out of the wall. Yontan hesitantly pressed it.
An oval pedestal emerged from the middle of the floor, gradually rising until it reached chest height. The left side slid open with melodious clicks, and out came a small table with a round black object on it with a sky-blue center. Before they had the time to guess what it was, a hologram rose from it, displaying the head of an old balding man with a lazy eye.
âGreetings, future humans,â said the feeble voice. âAnd welcome to K.U. ONE. What is your purpose here?â
Yontan glanced at his crew, who gave him a nod and shrugs. He cleared his throat and spoke clearly, âWeâve come here to gain access to the Ultimate Knowledge, which is said to contain the answers to our purpose within the universe.â
âI see. And you are one, two, five. Oh! That is good news, good news indeed. Iâve been waiting for you. Well, not me per se, since Iâm long dead, I suppose,â the hologram laughed, âbut my digital image. And five? Oh, proof that nothing happens at random.â
Yontan was slightly taken aback.
âWait. Youâre not a simple recording?â
âNo, no. Iâm enhanced with artificial intelligence. It speaks as I would speak, saying what I asked it to say â with a bit of panache. Now, move to the other side of the pedestal. It will pop open and contain a box.â
The other side popped open, displaying a silver box embossed with gold on the edges. It was beautiful. Lessandre grabbed it and tried to pry it open.
âTut-tut! You need the key to open the box. Iâll hand it over only of you accept to eat its contents.â
âEat it?â Yontan uttered in excitement. âWill it alter our brains? Give us the knowledge we yearn for?â
âNot quite. But it is a necessary step.â
âI wonât touch it,â Jmerr stated firmly. âI donât trust this man. Whateverâs inside, itâs been in there for thousands of years. Thereâs no way itâs still edible.â
âOh but it is,â grinned the man. âWhat do you think the Sunfire Conduit is used for?â
âWhat?â uttered Lezlybe. âThe power of the sun used for⌠food?â
âOf course, thereâs more to it. But a lot of energy is necessary to cool it down to near zero kelvin and keep it that way until itâs very slowly reheated to the ideal temperature for you to savor.
âNow, will you eat its contents or not?â
âWhy donât we bring it back to the ship and study it?â suggested Jmerr.
âThe moment you leave the room with the box, its contents will be destroyed, and so will the key to Ultimate Knowledge.â
Yontan exchanged a glance with his crew. Lessandre gave him thumbs up, Ghenna nodded and Lezlybe shrugged. Jmerr was the only one to firmly shake his head.
âFine, weâll eat its contents,â said Yontan, upon which Jmerr put his hands up in the air in frustration.
A key appeared from the front of the pedestal. Yonan used it to open the box Lessandre was holding. Five dark-brown spherical objects were neatly placed within fitting molds, resembling the five dots on a die.
âBehold the Five Orbs of Knowledge,â the hologram said solemnly. âI recommend one for each of you.â
Jmerr crossed his arms. âThereâs no way Iâm touching this.â
âWhat if someone eats two?â asked Yontan, eyeing Jmerr.
âIt would sadden me, even though it might be beneficial to grasp the Ultimate Knowledge.â
Without hesitation, Lessandre popped the middle one in his mouth. Every other crewmate was staring at him. A few bites in, he suddenly froze, eyes wide open. His gaze slowly shifted from Yontan, to Lezlybe, to Ghenna â whose visor was now lowered â and finally stopped on Jmerr.
âAwl eash âem bofh,â he rapidly chewed, popping a second one in. âAwl eash âem owl ihf you guysh downt.â
Yontanâs hand was shaking as he picked his Orb. Lezlybe and Ghenna also chose one.
âOn the count of three,â gulped Yontan, as he noticed the horrified look on Jmerr. âOne⌠two⌠three!â
The shell of the Orb had a slight crunch, with a rather soft, creamy inner core, gently melting on their tongue. Sweet with a zest of bitterness. Each bite, each movement of their tongue was another moment they savored, dreading the end of this unique flavor. It was an explosion of exoticism, a sensory overload inside their mouth; the richness of the Orb filled their taste buds and souls alike with pure bliss.
Then there was the aroma, dissolving the dusty odor of the room with its arboraceous perfume. It reminded them of Terrestrial woods, now planted across various planets in the Milky Way. Comforting, ancient, nostalgic, and so raw at heart.
Fortunately, this jolly adventure didnât end after they swallowed it, no, each residue, sticking to the various corners of their mouths, lingered like a fleeting memory soon to disappear forever. Yet it was still there, to grasp with the palm of their hands. But when they tried to, it became vapor, dwindling, yet etched in their brains with such strength it would be impossible to ever forget this moment. Ever.
Their minds were still floating on a cloud of ecstasy when Yontan stared at Lessandre.
âYou ate two,â he breathed. âAnd you,â he turned to Jmerr, âyou have no idea what youâve just missed. Itâs⌠indescribably delectable.â Yontan faced the hologram. âPlease, give us one more, for Jmerr. He has to try this⌠Orb.â
The hologram grinned widely, creasing the old manâs entire face.
âThese were the last five. There are no more.â
âWHAT?â everyone shouted at once.
âThâ thatâs it? No more?â Yontanâs shoulder slumped. âWhy didnât you tell us earlier? We couldâve taken it back to the ship and try to recreate it.â
âItâs impossible without the recipe.â
âA recipe? Give it to us, I donât care about Ultimate Knowledge anymore,â Lessandre laughed.
âBut you had two,â Lezlybe scowled.
âAnd I want more,â he chuckled. âIâve never felt better in my life. Even two were far too few!â
âYes, hand us the recipe so we can share it with the rest of the crew,â pleaded Yontan.
The hologram seemed more and more pleased with itself.
âEven if I gave you the recipe you couldnât make it when the main ingredientâs missing.â
âWhatâs the main ingredient?â Ghenna asked.
âCacao. And these were chocolate truffles, which I made myself utilizing the very last cacao beans to ever exist. Iâm sorry. Youâll never eat chocolate ever again.â
Jmerr seemed disappointed upon hearing it, especially after seeing how everyone reacted to it.
âB â but⌠why?â Yontan asked. âWhy offer us a delicious treat only to punch us in the gut right after?â
The hologram smiled. âThink. What is your purpose here?â
âTo acquire Ultimate Knowledge⌠But I fail to understandâŚâ
âIf my clock is correct, 3622 years have passed since the last human â which is myself â set wheels in this room. 3622 years of technological advancement, of accumulated mastery of various sciences and understanding of the universe. Yet you believe Ultimate Knowledge is to be found in the past?â
The crewmembers looked at each other, dumbfounded.
âSo⌠it doesnât exist?â suggested Lezlybe. âWeâve come this far for nothingâŚâ
âHavenât you just experienced the ultimate delicacy of humankind? Therein lies everything you need to know.â
âItâs not about the knowledge,â began Yontan, âbut about the experience we savor?â
âExactly!â Clapping hands appeared in front of the hologramâs face. âInstead of looking for something that may not be, learn to cherish the transient nature of existence through every experience you encounter. Who knows what happens once youâre dead? Constant hesitation leads to a life of lost opportunities. One of you has learned this lesson the hard way, Iâm afraid. However, the tall man over there has greatly benefited from this lesson. Balance in all things!â
âNo data is ever lost,â snorted Jmerr scornfully. âDeath is simply the temporary loss of information until itâs retrieved.â
âThe no-hiding theorem,â smiled the hologram. âOf course. But you wouldnât be here if you could completely determine the state of the entire universe. Thus, my rhetoric stays valid. For as long as this is beyond our grasp â likely until humanityâs extinction â you ought to cherish every experience and lose your fear of consequences within reason.â
The room went silent, the subtle taste of chocolate still lingering in their mouths like the fading words of an old love letter.
âWhat do we do now, captain?â Ghenna asked shyly.
âTake your new-found knowledge and share it with others,â the hologram said before Yontan could open his mouth.
âSo⌠there really is nothing else here?â
âNothing at all.â
The hologram fluttered for a moment.
âWere these really the last pieces of chocolate?â
âYes.â
âThen why didnât you eat them yourself?â
âBecause sharing is the quintessential attribute of humanity. And Iâm glad to have contributed my part, even though it took several millennia.â
âSo why use all that energy from the sun?â asked Lezlybe.
âItâs twofold,â said the hologram. âPartially to keep this chocolate in pristine state, as I said before. Youâll understand the second reason soon enough. Letâs say itâs a parting gift, for that man who hasnât eaten his Orb.â
âI donât understand.â Yontan was running his fingers through his hair. âYou speak of sharing, yet we wonât be able to share this exquisite experience. Thereâs no chocolate left.â
âShare the wisdom youâve acquired. Or perhaps you shall find something unique to share with others as I did. Even the stories of your advââ
The man disappeared for a few seconds.
ââentures â Ah? Weâve been cut. Soon I shall be free, just like your minds. Swiftly return to your ships, and sail tââ
It flickered again and stopped for nearly ten seconds.
ââhe vast empty space to⌠wherever your heart leads you. Farewell. Fare well indeed.â
The hologram zoomed out to show an old man sitting on a wheelchair, waving both hands. It flickered one last time before completely fading out with a hum.
Suddenly, a familiar voice spoke from everyoneâs earpiece.
âCaptain, is everything all right?â asked one of the crew left on the ship in a panic.
âWhy? Did the entrance crumble down?â
âNo, Sir. Itâs the Conduit. You need to see this for yourself.â
The crew put on their visors and hurried out of the room, through the hallway, out on the freezing surface of Pluto. They gasped upon staring up.
âThe Conduit!â Ghenna uttered.
It was oscillating, slowly shrinking until the last flames swooshed back and forth from the relay to the crater, and then, it retracted entirely.
âItâs⌠itâs goneâŚâ sighed Yontan.
âThe parting gift,â Jmerr sobbed. âHe knew. He knew someone might not try out the chocolate truffle, and he purposefully shut down the entire system.â
Lessandre turned to Jmerr. âConsider this your incredible experience. We must be the only humans to ever see this happen in real time.â
âBut we can reconnect it, unlike the chocolate, canât we?â said Lizlybe.
Yontan shook his head. âDo you know of the ancient pyramids in the northern African continent?â
âYeahâŚâ she hesitated. âVaguely.â
âDo you know why theyâve never been rebuilt?â
Lezlybe shrugged.
âBecause thereâs nothing to gain in doing so.â He pointed his finger at the vast expanse above him. âWeâve never rebuilt the ancient pyramids â not due to complexity, but due to loss of time and resources involved without any actual benefit. Iâm afraid this is the last time anyone has admired this old tech at work.â
Upon their return on the ship, they told the rest of the crew what inside the U.K. ONE.
âSo the Ultimate Knowledge doesnât exist?â one of the crewmember asked.
Yontan took one last glance at the crater as the ship took off.
âI believe it does,â he beamed, looking at the bemused faces of his crew. âNot here.â He gently tapped his temple. âBut here.â His hand rested on his chest. âAnd there.â His arms were wide open, as if trying to embrace his whole crew at once. âAcquired wisdom is the Ultimate Knowledge. And the ability to share experiences with others is our greatest gift.â
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âSuch a basic tech, yet so beautiful, so⌠poetic,â Lezlybe uttered, gazing at the constant flux of Sunfire Conduit pulled from the sun to one, two, three relays, and finally to the surface of Pluto, where its energy was being harnessed inside a crater. âAnd youâre certain thatâs where the Ultimate Knowledge is stored?â
âYes,â Yontan nodded. âEvery clue leads to Pluto. Can you imagine? The Ultimate Knowledge, lost for millennia, on this planet out of all places.â
âReady to descend at your command, captain,â announced Ghenna.
Yontan turned to his crew and smiled. It was the first time they had seen him do that in months. âHover around the south-south-eastern quadrant of the crater. Thatâs where the entrance is supposed to be.â
âYes, Sir!â
Lezlybeâs turned to face the captain, her long black hair swirling around with her.
âWouldnât that energy burn us on approach?â
âIt might be basic tech, but not that basic, Lez,â said Yontan. âItâs safe up to a distance of 100 meters. Donât underestimate the intelligence of our ancestors because they built this thing in the distant past. They were as smart as us. Smarter even, in certain aspects, Iâm sure.â
âFound the entrance, captain,â said Ghenna. It was a pale peach colored door built on the craterside.
âLand near it, wherever itâs stable.â
âYes, Sir!â
The ship touched down next to the Hollis Crater. Yontan and four others suited up and left the craft. Before heading for the door, the team stopped to gaze at the Sunfire Conduit from their position. It went up, up, up as far as the eye could see.
Jmerr was awestruck.
âI canât believe weâre able to look at it with basic sun visors. Do you think our ancestors purposefully designed it like that?â
âOf course,â said Yontan, mesmerized by the spiraling blaze swooshing down the crater. âAesthetics have always been important, especially since it used to be connected to three planets, two dwarf planets, and eight moons. Many renown painters have depicted the Conduits in their art. Although no physical portraits survived, their works have been well documented over hundreds of books.â
Lezlybe approached Jmerr and put her hand over his shoulder.
âI kind of wish we could hear its thunderous sound. I imagine itâd be a satisfying swoosh, kind of like a blowtorch.â
âYouâd be deaf before youâd hear a thing,â laughed Yontan. âWeâre speaking of extremely powerful jets coming from a star, after all. I canât wait to see why theyâre pulling so much energy on such a small planet. Itâs totally excessive in my view.â
âMaybe itâs not,â said Lezlybe. âEspecially if the Ultimate Knowledge is behind this door.â
The team approached the door, a small black panel to its side. Yontan placed a round device on top and, seconds later, it retracted into the ground.
âA Grampus?â frowned Jmerr, even though no one could see his face behind the visor. âWhy do you use this old AI?â
âBecause I donât know the code,â explained Yontan as they stepped inside a long hall. âSo I brought this device with me to crack the password. Donât forget that this here is also old tech. Newer devices could break something.â He glanced over his shoulder at the wide-open entryway with the ship not too far behind. âBut it looks like the Grampus broke it anyway since it doesnât slide shut.â
At the end of the wide turquoise hall, another door was easily popped open with Yontanâs device. This time, however, the heavy door closed shut when the last person stepped in.
âI hope weâre not trapped in this small room,â gulped Lezlybe.
âDonât worry, we can ask someone on board to cut it open if needed,â said Yontan. âAfter all we ââ
PSHHHHHHHH
A burst of gas sprayed them from all sides, followed by a shower of heavy liquid. A few moments after it stopped, the door in front of them opened, and a gentle male voice greeted them.
âWelcome to U.K. ONE. The current air pressure is at 101.3 kilopascals, with a temperature of 22.4 degrees Celsius and a humidity level set at 60% RH.â
The voice then proceeded to inform them about the roomâs condition among other sets of data.
âI see. We were inside a basic decompression chamber,â muttered Jmerr.
The tallest crewmate, Lessandre, popped his helmet off and took a deep breath.
âAh, historical fresh air,â he boomed, looking around the oval room. âIt brings a tear to my eye.â
âWhat are you doing?â Yontan shouted. âWe donât know what particles or microorganisms could linger in here.â
âRelax, captain. Tyche analyzed the air and told me itâs fine. Why donât you all retract your visors and experience this multimillennial-old air? Youâll never have the chance to do that again, you know.â
Yontan checked with his own version of his AI, Tyche, and everything seemed to be fine, so he retracted the visor of his helmet as well, just in time to scratch an itch on his beard. The rest of the crew followed, except for Jmerr.
âCome on, Jmerr. Itâs a unique experience, my friend,â beamed Lessandre, tapping on his shoulder.
Jmerr scowled at Lessandre. âI refuse to take unnecessary risks.â
âAs you wish,â Lessandre grinned, loudly sniffing the air. âAhhh. The air in here is exceptionally⌠how to describe it?â
âDusty?â Lezlybe chimed in. âI think the auto-clean on the filter stopped working long ago.â
Yontan was ignoring his crew, inspecting the walls of this oval room for clues. But the room was pretty much empty, outside of the air conditioning holes and lights flickering on the ceiling.
âI know thereâs another door on the other side of the crater, but that oneâs the entrance to the accumulator and workspaces,â he muttered to himself, caressing the wall in the hopes of finding a button or a gap of sorts.
âIs that place also turquoise?â asked Lessandre. âI really hate this color. Reminds me too much of my ex.â
Lezlybe rolled her eyes.
âThen why donât we go there?â asked Ghenna, who had closed her visor since she didnât like the smell.
âBecause,â began Yontan absent-mindedly while brushing his hands over the wall, âevery document points to this place. Weâll check the other site if we donât find anything here. Now if only I â aha! A button. This might be it.â
Yontan pushed it with his finger. Instead of clicking, like any other button would, his index finger sank completely in. He immediately withdrew it, fearing something might cut his finger off. But the button came back, except it was now white and protruded out of the wall. Yontan hesitantly pressed it.
An oval pedestal emerged from the middle of the floor, gradually rising until it reached chest height. The left side slid open with melodious clicks, and out came a small table with a round black object on it with a sky-blue center. Before they had the time to guess what it was, a hologram rose from it, displaying the head of an old balding man with a lazy eye.
âGreetings, future humans,â said the feeble voice. âAnd welcome to K.U. ONE. What is your purpose here?â
Yontan glanced at his crew, who gave him a nod and shrugs. He cleared his throat and spoke clearly, âWeâve come here to gain access to the Ultimate Knowledge, which is said to contain the answers to our purpose within the universe.â
âI see. And you are one, two, five. Oh! That is good news, good news indeed. Iâve been waiting for you. Well, not me per se, since Iâm long dead, I suppose,â the hologram laughed, âbut my digital image. And five? Oh, proof that nothing happens at random.â
Yontan was slightly taken aback.
âWait. Youâre not a simple recording?â
âNo, no. Iâm enhanced with artificial intelligence. It speaks as I would speak, saying what I asked it to say â with a bit of panache. Now, move to the other side of the pedestal. It will pop open and contain a box.â
The other side popped open, displaying a silver box embossed with gold on the edges. It was beautiful. Lessandre grabbed it and tried to pry it open.
âTut-tut! You need the key to open the box. Iâll hand it over only of you accept to eat its contents.â
âEat it?â Yontan uttered in excitement. âWill it alter our brains? Give us the knowledge we yearn for?â
âNot quite. But it is a necessary step.â
âI wonât touch it,â Jmerr stated firmly. âI donât trust this man. Whateverâs inside, itâs been in there for thousands of years. Thereâs no way itâs still edible.â
âOh but it is,â grinned the man. âWhat do you think the Sunfire Conduit is used for?â
âWhat?â uttered Lezlybe. âThe power of the sun used for⌠food?â
âOf course, thereâs more to it. But a lot of energy is necessary to cool it down to near zero kelvin and keep it that way until itâs very slowly reheated to the ideal temperature for you to savor.
âNow, will you eat its contents or not?â
âWhy donât we bring it back to the ship and study it?â suggested Jmerr.
âThe moment you leave the room with the box, its contents will be destroyed, and so will the key to Ultimate Knowledge.â
Yontan exchanged a glance with his crew. Lessandre gave him thumbs up, Ghenna nodded and Lezlybe shrugged. Jmerr was the only one to firmly shake his head.
âFine, weâll eat its contents,â said Yontan, upon which Jmerr put his hands up in the air in frustration.
A key appeared from the front of the pedestal. Yonan used it to open the box Lessandre was holding. Five dark-brown spherical objects were neatly placed within fitting molds, resembling the five dots on a die.
âBehold the Five Orbs of Knowledge,â the hologram said solemnly. âI recommend one for each of you.â
Jmerr crossed his arms. âThereâs no way Iâm touching this.â
âWhat if someone eats two?â asked Yontan, eyeing Jmerr.
âIt would sadden me, even though it might be beneficial to grasp the Ultimate Knowledge.â
Without hesitation, Lessandre popped the middle one in his mouth. Every other crewmate was staring at him. A few bites in, he suddenly froze, eyes wide open. His gaze slowly shifted from Yontan, to Lezlybe, to Ghenna â whose visor was now lowered â and finally stopped on Jmerr.
âAwl eash âem bofh,â he rapidly chewed, popping a second one in. âAwl eash âem owl ihf you guysh downt.â
Yontanâs hand was shaking as he picked his Orb. Lezlybe and Ghenna also chose one.
âOn the count of three,â gulped Yontan, as he noticed the horrified look on Jmerr. âOne⌠two⌠three!â
The shell of the Orb had a slight crunch, with a rather soft, creamy inner core, gently melting on their tongue. Sweet with a zest of bitterness. Each bite, each movement of their tongue was another moment they savored, dreading the end of this unique flavor. It was an explosion of exoticism, a sensory overload inside their mouth; the richness of the Orb filled their taste buds and souls alike with pure bliss.
Then there was the aroma, dissolving the dusty odor of the room with its arboraceous perfume. It reminded them of Terrestrial woods, now planted across various planets in the Milky Way. Comforting, ancient, nostalgic, and so raw at heart.
Fortunately, this jolly adventure didnât end after they swallowed it, no, each residue, sticking to the various corners of their mouths, lingered like a fleeting memory soon to disappear forever. Yet it was still there, to grasp with the palm of their hands. But when they tried to, it became vapor, dwindling, yet etched in their brains with such strength it would be impossible to ever forget this moment. Ever.
Their minds were still floating on a cloud of ecstasy when Yontan stared at Lessandre.
âYou ate two,â he breathed. âAnd you,â he turned to Jmerr, âyou have no idea what youâve just missed. Itâs⌠indescribably delectable.â Yontan faced the hologram. âPlease, give us one more, for Jmerr. He has to try this⌠Orb.â
The hologram grinned widely, creasing the old manâs entire face.
âThese were the last five. There are no more.â
âWHAT?â everyone shouted at once.
âThâ thatâs it? No more?â Yontanâs shoulder slumped. âWhy didnât you tell us earlier? We couldâve taken it back to the ship and try to recreate it.â
âItâs impossible without the recipe.â
âA recipe? Give it to us, I donât care about Ultimate Knowledge anymore,â Lessandre laughed.
âBut you had two,â Lezlybe scowled.
âAnd I want more,â he chuckled. âIâve never felt better in my life. Even two were far too few!â
âYes, hand us the recipe so we can share it with the rest of the crew,â pleaded Yontan.
The hologram seemed more and more pleased with itself.
âEven if I gave you the recipe you couldnât make it when the main ingredientâs missing.â
âWhatâs the main ingredient?â Ghenna asked.
âCacao. And these were chocolate truffles, which I made myself utilizing the very last cacao beans to ever exist. Iâm sorry. Youâll never eat chocolate ever again.â
Jmerr seemed disappointed upon hearing it, especially after seeing how everyone reacted to it.
âB â but⌠why?â Yontan asked. âWhy offer us a delicious treat only to punch us in the gut right after?â
The hologram smiled. âThink. What is your purpose here?â
âTo acquire Ultimate Knowledge⌠But I fail to understandâŚâ
âIf my clock is correct, 3622 years have passed since the last human â which is myself â set wheels in this room. 3622 years of technological advancement, of accumulated mastery of various sciences and understanding of the universe. Yet you believe Ultimate Knowledge is to be found in the past?â
The crewmembers looked at each other, dumbfounded.
âSo⌠it doesnât exist?â suggested Lezlybe. âWeâve come this far for nothingâŚâ
âHavenât you just experienced the ultimate delicacy of humankind? Therein lies everything you need to know.â
âItâs not about the knowledge,â began Yontan, âbut about the experience we savor?â
âExactly!â Clapping hands appeared in front of the hologramâs face. âInstead of looking for something that may not be, learn to cherish the transient nature of existence through every experience you encounter. Who knows what happens once youâre dead? Constant hesitation leads to a life of lost opportunities. One of you has learned this lesson the hard way, Iâm afraid. However, the tall man over there has greatly benefited from this lesson. Balance in all things!â
âNo data is ever lost,â snorted Jmerr scornfully. âDeath is simply the temporary loss of information until itâs retrieved.â
âThe no-hiding theorem,â smiled the hologram. âOf course. But you wouldnât be here if you could completely determine the state of the entire universe. Thus, my rhetoric stays valid. For as long as this is beyond our grasp â likely until humanityâs extinction â you ought to cherish every experience and lose your fear of consequences within reason.â
The room went silent, the subtle taste of chocolate still lingering in their mouths like the fading words of an old love letter.
âWhat do we do now, captain?â Ghenna asked shyly.
âTake your new-found knowledge and share it with others,â the hologram said before Yontan could open his mouth.
âSo⌠there really is nothing else here?â
âNothing at all.â
The hologram fluttered for a moment.
âWere these really the last pieces of chocolate?â
âYes.â
âThen why didnât you eat them yourself?â
âBecause sharing is the quintessential attribute of humanity. And Iâm glad to have contributed my part, even though it took several millennia.â
âSo why use all that energy from the sun?â asked Lezlybe.
âItâs twofold,â said the hologram. âPartially to keep this chocolate in pristine state, as I said before. Youâll understand the second reason soon enough. Letâs say itâs a parting gift, for that man who hasnât eaten his Orb.â
âI donât understand.â Yontan was running his fingers through his hair. âYou speak of sharing, yet we wonât be able to share this exquisite experience. Thereâs no chocolate left.â
âShare the wisdom youâve acquired. Or perhaps you shall find something unique to share with others as I did. Even the stories of your advââ
The man disappeared for a few seconds.
ââentures â Ah? Weâve been cut. Soon I shall be free, just like your minds. Swiftly return to your ships, and sail tââ
It flickered again and stopped for nearly ten seconds.
ââhe vast empty space to⌠wherever your heart leads you. Farewell. Fare well indeed.â
The hologram zoomed out to show an old man sitting on a wheelchair, waving both hands. It flickered one last time before completely fading out with a hum.
Suddenly, a familiar voice spoke from everyoneâs earpiece.
âCaptain, is everything all right?â asked one of the crew left on the ship in a panic.
âWhy? Did the entrance crumble down?â
âNo, Sir. Itâs the Conduit. You need to see this for yourself.â
The crew put on their visors and hurried out of the room, through the hallway, out on the freezing surface of Pluto. They gasped upon staring up.
âThe Conduit!â Ghenna uttered.
It was oscillating, slowly shrinking until the last flames swooshed back and forth from the relay to the crater, and then, it retracted entirely.
âItâs⌠itâs goneâŚâ sighed Yontan.
âThe parting gift,â Jmerr sobbed. âHe knew. He knew someone might not try out the chocolate truffle, and he purposefully shut down the entire system.â
Lessandre turned to Jmerr. âConsider this your incredible experience. We must be the only humans to ever see this happen in real time.â
âBut we can reconnect it, unlike the chocolate, canât we?â said Lizlybe.
Yontan shook his head. âDo you know of the ancient pyramids in the northern African continent?â
âYeahâŚâ she hesitated. âVaguely.â
âDo you know why theyâve never been rebuilt?â
Lezlybe shrugged.
âBecause thereâs nothing to gain in doing so.â He pointed his finger at the vast expanse above him. âWeâve never rebuilt the ancient pyramids â not due to complexity, but due to loss of time and resources involved without any actual benefit. Iâm afraid this is the last time anyone has admired this old tech at work.â
Upon their return on the ship, they told the rest of the crew what inside the U.K. ONE.
âSo the Ultimate Knowledge doesnât exist?â one of the crewmember asked.
Yontan took one last glance at the crater as the ship took off.
âI believe it does,â he beamed, looking at the bemused faces of his crew. âNot here.â He gently tapped his temple. âBut here.â His hand rested on his chest. âAnd there.â His arms were wide open, as if trying to embrace his whole crew at once. âAcquired wisdom is the Ultimate Knowledge. And the ability to share experiences with others is our greatest gift.â
2024.05.21 14:42 Shadow_Dancer87 someone's vss theory on vss facebook group.. give a read..want to know what you think ratzor24
I spend a lot of time researching how our nervous system works and what may contribute to the development of Visual Snow and other symptoms. Remember that there is a lot of vital information that I do not know, and may greatly benefit our understanding of this condition. Visual snow is described as an "epileptic" firing in the visual system in the brain. (Tinnitus behaves very similarly but it is occurring in the auditory nerves) NMDA glutamate receptors, which are overexpressed after excitotoxic injury may well be the trigger of an increased spontaneous firing in the nerves. In turn, the brain would decode this increased firing as "visual snow" The idea is that remaining nerve endings have been damaged enough to overexpress NMDA Glutamate receptors, thus increasing their spontaneous firing.There are various factors that contribute to the development of this condition. Everybody first had an initial trigger, and this varies from person to person. Common causes include stress, trauma, recreational and prescription drugs, Lyme, mold, heavy metals, and other toxic exposures. But what they all result in is brain injury and neuronal damage. The severity varies from person to person. The consequences of such injury doesn't just cause break in communication between healthy neurons, but a cascade of events that can lead to further neuronal degeneration and cell death. That is where visual snow comes in. Think of a broken radio or a TV where it isn't able to receive and process incoming signals so the outcome is a lot of visual/auditory noise. Our brains behave in a similar manner when there is an interference with proper neuron function and communication.Another good example is a type of neuropathic pain called paresthesia where you experience tingling and pricking sensations in various parts of your body. When nerves are damaged, they can't communicate properly and that miscommunication causes symptoms such as pain, tingling or numbness.Medical researchers searching for new medications for visual snow often look to the connection between the nerve cells in the brain and the various agents that act as neurotransmitters, such as the central nervous system's primary excitatory neurotransmitter glutamate. Visual snow can be caused when damaged brain cells emit an excess of glutamate. Many treatments use ingredients that work as glutamate antagonists, or inhibitors. Communication between nerve cells in the brain is accomplished through the use of neurotransmitters. There are many compounds that act as neurotransmitters including acetylcholine, serotonin, GABA, glutamate, aspartate, epinephrine, norpinephrine and dopamine. These chemicals attach to nerve cells at specific receptors that allow for only one type of neurotransmitter to attach.Some of the neurotransmitters are excitatory; leading to increased electrical transmission between nerve cells. Others are inhibitory and reduce electrical activity. The most common excitatory neurotransmitters are glutamate and aspartate while the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter is GABA. It is necessary for excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitters to be in balance for proper brain function to occur.Communication over synapses between neurons are controlled by glutamate. When brain cells are damaged, excessive glutamate is released. Glutamate is well known to have neurotoxic properties when excessively released or incompletely recycled. This is known as excitotoxicity and leads to neuronal death.Excess glutamate opens the sodium channel in the neuron and causes it to fire. Sodium continues to flow into the neuron causing it to continue firing. This continuous firing of the neuron results in a rapid buildup of free radicals and inflammatory compounds. These compounds attack the mitochondria, the energy producing elements in the core of the neuron cell. The mitochondria become depleted and the neuron withers and dies.Excitotoxicity has been involved in a number of acute and/or degenerative forms of neuropathology such as epilepsy, autism, ALS, Parkinsonâs, schizophrenia, migraines, restless leg syndrome, tourettes, pandas, fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, Huntington's, seizures, insomnia, hyperactivity, OCD, bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders.(Doctors use two basic ways to correct this imbalance. The first is to activate GABA receptors that will inhibit the continuous firing caused by glutamate. The second way to correct the imbalance is use antogonists to glutamate and its receptor N-methyl-d-aspartate (NMDA). These are termed glutamate or NMDA antagonists. By binding with these receptors, the antagonist medication reduces glutamate-induced continuous firing of the neuron. This explains why some drugs like clonazepam and lamictal are able to help relieve symptoms in some patients. They help reduce excitatory action in the brain temporarily)Anxiety, depression, brain fog, depersonalization, visual disturbances (including visual snow, palinopsia, blue field entoptic phenomenon, photophobia, photopsia) headaches, tinnitus, are all common symptoms associated with increased excitatory activity in the brain. Excessive glutamate is the primary villain in visual snow.I strongly believe there are some genetic components that play a huge role in the development of Visual Snow and makes some individuals more susceptible to developing it. Normally, glutamate concentration is tightly controlled in the brain by various mechanisms at the synapse. There are at least 30 proteins that are membrane-bound receptor or transporter proteins at, or near, the glutamate synapse that control or modulate neuronal excitability. But in Visual Snow sufferers, my hypothesis is that we carry a faulty gene that results in dysregulation of the proteins that control and regulate glutamate excitability. They are unknown as more research will be needed.We live in a society where we are stressed emotionally, financially, physically and exposed to a range of toxins in our environment. Combining underlying genetic susceptibility with these other factors creates all the ingredients for a perfect storm.Stress + Infectious Agents (if any) + Toxins + Genetic Susceptibility = Health ConditionIncluded below is a list of things that can lead to excitotoxicity. The list includes trauma, drugs, environmental, chemicals and miscellaneous causes of brain cell damage. (Keep in mind everybody's bodies behave and react differently to various substances)-Severe Stress (Most people that are stressed out donât realize that once the fight-or-flight response gets activated it can release things like cortisol and epinephrine into the body. Although these boost alertness, in major concentrations, the elevated levels of cortisol over an extended period of time can damage brain functioning and kill brain cells)-Free Radicals â Free radicals are highly-reactive forms of oxygen that can kill brain cells and cause brain damage. If the free radicals in your brain run rampant, your neurons will be damaged at a quicker rate than they can be repaired. This leads to brain cell death as well as cognitive decline if not corrected. (Common causes are unhealthy diet, lifestyle and toxic exposure)-Head Trauma (like concussion or contusion) MRI can detect damaged brain tissue BUT not damaged neurons. -Dehydration (severe)-Cerebal Hypoxia-Lyme disease-Narcolepsy-Sleep Apnea-Stroke-Drugs (recreational or prescription) -Amphetamine abuse-Methamphetamines-Antipsychotics-Benzodiazepine abuse-Cocaine-Esctasy -LSD-Cannabis-Tobacco-Inhalants-Nitrous Oxide-PCP-Steroids-Air Pollution-Carbon Monoxide-Heavy Metal Exposure (such as lead, copper and mercury)-Mold Exposure-Welding fumes-Formaldehyde-Solvents-Pesticides-Anesthesia-Aspartame-MSG (Monosodium Glutamate is found in most processed foods and is hidden under many various names)-Solvents-Chemotherapy-Radiation-Other toxic exposuresInside the Glutamate StormBy: Vivian Teichberg, and Luba Vikhanski"The amino acid glutamate is the major signaling chemical in nature. All invertebrates (worms, insects, and the like) use glutamate for conveying messages from nerve to muscle. In mammals, glutamate is mainly present in the central nervous system, brain, and spinal cord, where it plays the role of a neuronal messenger, or neurotransmitter. In fact, almost all brain cells use glutamate to exchange messages. Moreover, glutamate can serve as a source of energy for the brain cells when their regular energy supplier, glucose, is lacking. However, when its levels rise too high in the spaces between cellsâknown as extracellular spacesâglutamate turns its coat to become a toxin that kills neurons.As befits a potentially hazardous substance, glutamate is kept safely sealed within the brain cells. A healthy neuron releases glutamate only when it needs to convey a message, then immediately sucks the messenger back inside. Glutamate concentration inside the cells is 10,000 times greater than outside them. If we follow the dam analogy, that would be equivalent to holding 10,000 cubic feet of glutamate behind the dam and letting only a trickle of one cubic foot flow freely outside. A clever pumping mechanism makes sure this trickle never gets out of hand: When a neuron senses the presence of too much glutamate in the vicinityâthe extracellular spaceâit switches on special pumps on its membrane and siphons the maverick glutamate back in.This protective pumping process works beautifully as long as glutamate levels stay within the normal range. But the levels can rise sharply if a damaged cell spills out its glutamate. In such a case, the pumps on the cellular membranes can no longer cope with the situation, and glutamate reveals its destructive powers. It doesnât kill the neuron directly. Rather, it overly excites the cell, causing it to open its pores excessively and let in large quantities of substances that are normally allowed to enter only in limited amounts.One of these substances is sodium, which leads to cell swelling because its entry is accompanied by an inrush of water, needed to dilute the surplus sodium. The swelling squeezes the neighboring blood vessels, preventing normal blood flow and interrupting the supply of oxygen and glucose, which ultimately leads to cell death. Cell swelling, however, is reversible; the cells will shrink back once glutamate is removed from brain fluids. More dangerous than sodium is calcium, which is harmless under normal conditions but not when it rushes inside through excessively opened pores. An overload of calcium destroys the neuronâs vital structures and eventually kills it.Regardless of what killed it, the dead cell spills out its glutamate, all the vast quantities of it that were supposed to be held back by the dam. The spill overly excites more cells, and these die in turn, spilling yet more glutamate. The destructive process repeats itself over and over, engulfing brain areas until the protective pumping mechanism finally manages to stop the spread of glutamate."Recent research has confirmed that hypermetabolism has been primarily found in the right lingual gyrus and left cerebellar anterior lobe of the brain in individuals suffering from visual snow. The definition of hypermetabolism is described as "the physiological state of increased rate of metabolic activity and is characterized by an abnormal increase in metabolic rate." Hypermetabolism typically occurs after significant injury to the body. It serves as one of the body's strongest defence against illness and injury. This means that the brain is trying to compensate for the injured areas in the brain by increasing metabolism to meet it's high energy demands. It is trying to function to the best of it's ability under the circumstances. Normally the body can heal itself and regenerate under the right circumstances. But it is extremely difficult for the central nervous system - which includes the spinal cord and brain to be able to do so, due to it's inhibitory environment which prevents new neurons from forming. That is where stem cells come in. Stem cells are an exciting new discovery, because they can become literally any cell in the body including neurons. This is an amazing scientific breakthrough and has the potential to treat a whole host of conditions. Scientists are currently doing research and conducting trials.Excitotoxicity can trigger your "fight or flight" response, as this is the body's primary response to illness, injury or infection. If the brain and the body remain in the sympathetic fight or flight state for too long and too often, it is degenerative; it breaks us down. If this cycle continues, then eventually the system burns out. It is this cycle that results in autonomic nervous system dysfunction. The results are disastrous, digestion is shut down, metabolism, immune function and the detoxification system is impaired, blood pressure and heart rate are increased, circulation is impaired, sleep is disrupted, memory and cognitive function may be impaired, neurotransmitters are drained, our sense of smell, taste and sound are amplified, high levels of norepinephrine are released in the brain and the adrenal glands release a variety of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.I believe in order to find a treatment or cure for VS and it's accompanying symptoms, we need to address the underlying cause, reduce the excess excitatory activity in the brain, repair the damaged neurons, regain proper communication between neurons, rebalance the autonomic nervous system and prevent further cellular damage. We also need to figure out what genes, if any come into play. There is still a lot we don't know about the brain because it is such an remarkably complex organ.FAQsWon't lowering the levels of glutamate solve the problem? Well, not necessarily. That is just one piece of the puzzle. You have to remember that Visual Snow is a multifactorial and complex condition in which it stems from a number of different causes and influences. Based on my knowledge and the information I have gathered, I can conclude that the overstimulation of glutamate plays a huge role in VS and some other symptoms we experience. But there is still so much we don't know. That's why more research will be needed.Why is my condition worsening over time?That is a very good question. It is because the physiology, biology and chemistry of your brain and nervous system has been altered and has become dysfunctional since the initial trigger set off a domino of effects that leads to further degradation in the body. This puts a huge strain on your body and is constantly activating your stress response system. This will wreak havoc on your entire body. The stress response system was designed to deal with brief emergencies that threaten survival. It isn't supposed to last very long because the body cannot sustain itself for very long in this state. When you remain in "fight or flight" sympathetic state for too long, it becomes degenerative and breaks our bodies down. This affects every system in the body. When you are constantly under stress, the stress response system never turns off resulting in an ongoing destructive cycle. Stress can also exacerbate all your symptoms and makes you susceptible to developing other chronic health conditions. How is the gut related to VS?Having increased intestinal permeability is very common in this modern world because we are constantly being bombarded by toxins and stress. Our bodies weren't designed to handle such a huge burden. So we end up getting sick and become susceptible to kinds of diseases. Common causes include:-Poor diet (from excessive consumption of foods such as grains, legumes, sugars, alcohol)-Chronic stress-Toxin overload-Gut dysbiosis (It means you have a lack of beneficial bacteria in your gastrointestinal (GI) tract. They are overpowered and outnumbered by pathogens such as pathogenic bacteria, yeast, viruses, parasites)-Overuse of antibiotics When you have increased intestinal permeability, the epithelium on the villi of the small intestine becomes inflamed and irritated, which allows metabolic, microbial and environmental toxins and undigested food particles to flood into the blood stream. This event compromises the liver, the lymphatic system, and the immune response including the endocrine system. It is often the primary cause of the following common conditions: asthma, food allergies, chronic sinusitis, eczema, urticaria, migraine, irritable bowel, fungal disorders, fibromyalgia, and inflammatory joint disorders including rheumatoid arthritis are just a few of the diseases that can originate from having poor gut health.This sets the stage for chronic systemic inflammation, oxidative stress, mitochondrial dysfunction, impaired detoxification, gastrointestinal dysfunction and immune system dysregulation.Some toxins have the ability to damage and destroy neurons, myelin sheaths, synapses and even DNA. An overload of toxins that the immune system is not able to get rid of disrupts normal brain function. This eventually initiates an autoimmune response where the immune system attacks the brain and nerve cells as it tries itâs best to eliminate the toxins.The mitochondria are the energy producing section of your cells. When they are damaged by the toxic overload in the brain cells and are not able to produce energy to fuel the cell, the cell dies.In order to stop this vicious cycle, the underlying biological mechanisms of VS needs to be understood. That is the first step that needs to be taken. Any other stressors also needs to be addressed in order to reduce the overall stress load.It is important to know that VS is just a symptom of underlying physiological stress in the brain. Symptoms are your body's way of communicating with you, letting you know something is wrong in the body.I've come across some research indicating that microglial activation and elevated nitric oxide is involved in some neurological conditions. Basically the microglial cells are our brain's immune cells and when something triggers an inflammatory response, they activate and release harmful neurotoxic compounds (such as nitric oxide and pro-inflammatory cytokines) which results in neuronal injury/death. Microglial activation can also result in a loss of synaptic connections in different regions of the brain. It's basically an autoimmune response in the brain. The neuroinflammatory process appears to be an ongoing and chronic cycle of central nervous system dysfunction. This can deplete glutathione levels in the body. Glutathione is the bodyâs most important antioxidant which is capable of preventing oxidative damage caused by reactive oxygen species such as free radicals, peroxides, lipid peroxides, and heavy metals. This only further exaggerates the problem, which only leads to a cascade of increased inflammation.Nitric oxide plays a vital role in this process. Elevated nitric oxide levels reduces and impair natural killer cells which leads to a vulnerable immune system that is susceptible to a variety of systemic infections. -Phobe Zhang
submitted by Shadow_Dancer87 to visualsnow [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 14:41 ChemicalFragrance I tried perfumes from Gravel
A Man's Cologne: An important backstory to this one: Prior to the 50's, men in New York did not wear cologne, only aftershave. This perfume hit the streets of New York in 1957 as an attempt to revolutionize what perfume meant for men, and became popular later on. It's safe to say that this perfume has stuck around for a long time - and that's what makes it (in my opinion) so beautiful. It's incredibly nostalgic, you can't smell this without being reminded of a dear male family member in your childhood. It's perfectly balanced and not at all offensive, you can wear it for any occasion. It isn't unbearably "macho" like most designer male fragrances today, it actually possesses a hint of sweetness because of the benzoin, making it a bit unisex. Aromatic and woody, a bit powdery. I love it and I root for its comeback.
Evolution: I am not exaggerating, at all, when I say that this smells exactly like a bar of soap, and not in a good way. The notes of aldehydes at the top overpower literally every other note in this perfume, EXCEPT the ambergris, which clashes really poorly with the clean vibe the perfumer was originally going for. It adds on a little bit of dirtiness in the dry down, and it's very off putting. I feel like people don't believe me when I say it smells like a dirty Dove bar soap, but please do before you purchase this.
American Dream: I wasn't too excited after seeing the notes, but this ended up being my favorite. I know for a fact Trey MacDougal from SATC wore this, it just makes perfect sense to me given the name and the nature of the fragrance. A rich gentleman's perfume, but could also smell amazing on women. The citrus at the top comes off a bit too sharp at first, probably because of the basil note, but the dry down is very attractive. Fresh, aromatic, and a bit sweet because of the lavender and Tonka, with a musky finish. I don't detect much moss.
Hudson River NY: The dry down is great on this one, but I'm not a big fan of the opening. The dry down is a fresh vanilla that is not edible, but very sensual, warm, and clean, with hints of lavender. The opening however, did not need that geranium note. It adds a bit of an unnecessary bite that is overpowering. As it develops on skin, you do get wafts of the vanilla and the cardamom all throughout, and it is the most unisex fragrance in the Gravel collection, IMO. A perfume meant for intimate moments during early autumn.
Across the Ocean: This one is sugary sweet. The cashmere note at the top comes off strong, so if you're not a big fan of it, stay away from this one. I'm enamored with the combination of Oud and citrus at the top, but I just wish it was stronger, because cashmere seems to take the spotlight. Develops into a musky, woody vanilla dry down with hints of rose here and there. The performance is strong. For some reason, I get hints of berry when I first spray it, but it's not listed in the notes. It's very feminine in my opinion, and if sprayed sparingly, it creates a beautiful cloud. 1-2 sprays is enough, just so it can wafts gently when people walk past you.
46th Street: My least favorite. No matter how much I let it dry down on my skin, I can't shake off the smell of cooking herbs and spices. The wild berries and birch at the top is a very interesting combination that had so much potential, just for it to be overpowered and murdered by the Cypriol Oil. The oud is undetectable, and the ambergris adds a hint of something unpleasant and pungent. I know they attempted to create something Oriental but I just don't see it. Leathery and smokey, but just not that impressive and could do without a few notes. Masculine in an old man way, I think a very small audience can rock this.
submitted by ChemicalFragrance to fragrance [link] [comments]
Evolution: I am not exaggerating, at all, when I say that this smells exactly like a bar of soap, and not in a good way. The notes of aldehydes at the top overpower literally every other note in this perfume, EXCEPT the ambergris, which clashes really poorly with the clean vibe the perfumer was originally going for. It adds on a little bit of dirtiness in the dry down, and it's very off putting. I feel like people don't believe me when I say it smells like a dirty Dove bar soap, but please do before you purchase this.
American Dream: I wasn't too excited after seeing the notes, but this ended up being my favorite. I know for a fact Trey MacDougal from SATC wore this, it just makes perfect sense to me given the name and the nature of the fragrance. A rich gentleman's perfume, but could also smell amazing on women. The citrus at the top comes off a bit too sharp at first, probably because of the basil note, but the dry down is very attractive. Fresh, aromatic, and a bit sweet because of the lavender and Tonka, with a musky finish. I don't detect much moss.
Hudson River NY: The dry down is great on this one, but I'm not a big fan of the opening. The dry down is a fresh vanilla that is not edible, but very sensual, warm, and clean, with hints of lavender. The opening however, did not need that geranium note. It adds a bit of an unnecessary bite that is overpowering. As it develops on skin, you do get wafts of the vanilla and the cardamom all throughout, and it is the most unisex fragrance in the Gravel collection, IMO. A perfume meant for intimate moments during early autumn.
Across the Ocean: This one is sugary sweet. The cashmere note at the top comes off strong, so if you're not a big fan of it, stay away from this one. I'm enamored with the combination of Oud and citrus at the top, but I just wish it was stronger, because cashmere seems to take the spotlight. Develops into a musky, woody vanilla dry down with hints of rose here and there. The performance is strong. For some reason, I get hints of berry when I first spray it, but it's not listed in the notes. It's very feminine in my opinion, and if sprayed sparingly, it creates a beautiful cloud. 1-2 sprays is enough, just so it can wafts gently when people walk past you.
46th Street: My least favorite. No matter how much I let it dry down on my skin, I can't shake off the smell of cooking herbs and spices. The wild berries and birch at the top is a very interesting combination that had so much potential, just for it to be overpowered and murdered by the Cypriol Oil. The oud is undetectable, and the ambergris adds a hint of something unpleasant and pungent. I know they attempted to create something Oriental but I just don't see it. Leathery and smokey, but just not that impressive and could do without a few notes. Masculine in an old man way, I think a very small audience can rock this.
2024.05.21 14:37 IranRPCV Devotional for May 21st from Sally Gabriel
1 Corinthians 3:6 âI planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.â
Good morning. Today is a very special day. This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24) Each day is a rich and precious gift from God, with new grace and opportunities. How will you make the best use of this day that the Lord has given us?
Paul suggests, in the passage above, that we plant seeds and water them. The seeds he is referring to are the truths of the gospel lived out in our lives. Share your lifeâs journey and how God has blessed you. Share the love of God that lives in your heart. When you do that, you are both planting seeds and watering them.
You may be sharing with someone who has never heard the message before. As you share you are planting the seed. They may not seem to grasp what you shared. Thatâs ok. Just share. Trust God that someone else will come along and share also. Thatâs watering. It may take a few people watering and nurturing the planted seeds before people respond. And of course, remember that they have their agency and not everyone will accept Jesus as their Savior.
Remember also that you and I have not been called to convince anyone of anything. We are only called to share our story; to plant and water seeds. Trust that God can make it grow.
Sid, my husband, was near death in the ICU. The doctors had done all they could do and he just wasnât responding. They shook their heads. I was told I could take him home if I wanted so he could die at home. However, God had other plans and during the night, he turned around and began showing progress.
The cardiologist came in early in the morning. I walked into the room, knowing that Sid was improving as I had spent the night there. I can still see the smile on that doctorâs face. I said, âHe surprised you, didnât he?â The doctor responded, âHe sure did. Thank God.â I told him I did thank God and I thanked him and the others for all they did. He humbly told me not to thank him. He said he knew the treatments and medicine to give but he couldnât make it work. Only God could do that.
Thatâs what this verse is talking about. We use our resources, our gifts and talents, sharing our experiences, all to serve God. We do our best to share his love and hope with others. We do so praying, not that they listen to us, but that they see and hear God in the midst of it. Our actions and words must point to the only one who can make it work. Their response should be to him, not us.
Let God use you to be a master gardener planting and watering seeds for him. Be blessed to be a blessing.
đFather, thank you for loving me and placing people in my life who loved you enough to plant and water seeds in me. Bless me to always place you as number one as I plant seeds for you. Help me to keep trusting you and to keep gardening in your name. Amen đ
submitted by IranRPCV to CommunityOfChrist [link] [comments]
Good morning. Today is a very special day. This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24) Each day is a rich and precious gift from God, with new grace and opportunities. How will you make the best use of this day that the Lord has given us?
Paul suggests, in the passage above, that we plant seeds and water them. The seeds he is referring to are the truths of the gospel lived out in our lives. Share your lifeâs journey and how God has blessed you. Share the love of God that lives in your heart. When you do that, you are both planting seeds and watering them.
You may be sharing with someone who has never heard the message before. As you share you are planting the seed. They may not seem to grasp what you shared. Thatâs ok. Just share. Trust God that someone else will come along and share also. Thatâs watering. It may take a few people watering and nurturing the planted seeds before people respond. And of course, remember that they have their agency and not everyone will accept Jesus as their Savior.
Remember also that you and I have not been called to convince anyone of anything. We are only called to share our story; to plant and water seeds. Trust that God can make it grow.
Sid, my husband, was near death in the ICU. The doctors had done all they could do and he just wasnât responding. They shook their heads. I was told I could take him home if I wanted so he could die at home. However, God had other plans and during the night, he turned around and began showing progress.
The cardiologist came in early in the morning. I walked into the room, knowing that Sid was improving as I had spent the night there. I can still see the smile on that doctorâs face. I said, âHe surprised you, didnât he?â The doctor responded, âHe sure did. Thank God.â I told him I did thank God and I thanked him and the others for all they did. He humbly told me not to thank him. He said he knew the treatments and medicine to give but he couldnât make it work. Only God could do that.
Thatâs what this verse is talking about. We use our resources, our gifts and talents, sharing our experiences, all to serve God. We do our best to share his love and hope with others. We do so praying, not that they listen to us, but that they see and hear God in the midst of it. Our actions and words must point to the only one who can make it work. Their response should be to him, not us.
Let God use you to be a master gardener planting and watering seeds for him. Be blessed to be a blessing.
đFather, thank you for loving me and placing people in my life who loved you enough to plant and water seeds in me. Bless me to always place you as number one as I plant seeds for you. Help me to keep trusting you and to keep gardening in your name. Amen đ
2024.05.21 14:35 Am-I-High Are the London servers incredibly unstable or is it just me?
I live like a 2 hour drive from London and I have 20ms at the start screen. As soon as I enter it jumps to 50ms and then when Iâm playing in a game the game stutters, no regs, insane lag spikes, you name it.
However when I join other data centres far away from me, I have a much better experience. My ping can be considerably higher but itâs still more stable, I donât feel like I get shot round corners as much, my shots feel like they actually do damage, I donât freeze half as much.
It makes no sense to me how itâs better for me to be playing on New York servers the other side of the world?
Any explanations? Or similar experiences?
submitted by Am-I-High to apexlegends [link] [comments]
However when I join other data centres far away from me, I have a much better experience. My ping can be considerably higher but itâs still more stable, I donât feel like I get shot round corners as much, my shots feel like they actually do damage, I donât freeze half as much.
It makes no sense to me how itâs better for me to be playing on New York servers the other side of the world?
Any explanations? Or similar experiences?
2024.05.21 14:28 Latter_Stomach8597 My granddaughter blames me for her Motherâs abuse. I was the only one there for her. AIW?
My daughter Anne has issues and a lot of horrible qualities. But she calls me every day and needs my help with basic tasks because she doesnât have anybody anymore. No friends, partner, anybody. She had a daughter young. Her name is Sara. She didnât treat Sara well and it caused problems within the family for years. She would isolate Sara from us the second we said something she didnât like. But she treated her horrible. I supported her financially by buying essentials, foods, and clothes for her because Anne couldnât be bothered.
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck sheâs treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she canât take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when sheâd get frustrated with her. Sara told me that sheâd say things like âThe aliens are coming to get you. Goodbyeâ and lock her bedroom door so Sara canât get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasnât spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she wonât even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her âSara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how youâll feel in the futureâ and now she wants to stop talking to me. Iâve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But itâs never enough. Sheâs taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she wonât know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. Itâs unfair that Iâm the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For ânot taking her outâ but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didnât talk for years. Itâs unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.
submitted by Latter_Stomach8597 to amiwrong [link] [comments]
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck sheâs treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she canât take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when sheâd get frustrated with her. Sara told me that sheâd say things like âThe aliens are coming to get you. Goodbyeâ and lock her bedroom door so Sara canât get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasnât spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she wonât even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her âSara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how youâll feel in the futureâ and now she wants to stop talking to me. Iâve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But itâs never enough. Sheâs taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she wonât know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. Itâs unfair that Iâm the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For ânot taking her outâ but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didnât talk for years. Itâs unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.
2024.05.21 14:28 Latter_Stomach8597 My granddaughter blames me for her Motherâs abuse. I was the only one there for her.
My daughter Anne has issues and a lot of horrible qualities. But she calls me every day and needs my help with basic tasks because she doesnât have anybody anymore. No friends, partner, anybody. She had a daughter young. Her name is Sara. She didnât treat Sara well and it caused problems within the family for years. She would isolate Sara from us the second we said something she didnât like. But she treated her horrible. I supported her financially by buying essentials, foods, and clothes for her because Anne couldnât be bothered.
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck sheâs treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she canât take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when sheâd get frustrated with her. Sara told me that sheâd say things like âThe aliens are coming to get you. Goodbyeâ and lock her bedroom door so Sara canât get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasnât spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she wonât even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her âSara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how youâll feel in the futureâ and now she wants to stop talking to me. Iâve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But itâs never enough. Sheâs taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she wonât know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. Itâs unfair that Iâm the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For ânot taking her outâ but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didnât talk for years. Itâs unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.
submitted by Latter_Stomach8597 to confessions [link] [comments]
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck sheâs treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she canât take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when sheâd get frustrated with her. Sara told me that sheâd say things like âThe aliens are coming to get you. Goodbyeâ and lock her bedroom door so Sara canât get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasnât spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she wonât even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her âSara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how youâll feel in the futureâ and now she wants to stop talking to me. Iâve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But itâs never enough. Sheâs taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she wonât know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. Itâs unfair that Iâm the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For ânot taking her outâ but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didnât talk for years. Itâs unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.
2024.05.21 14:28 Latter_Stomach8597 My granddaughter blames me for her Motherâs abuse. I was the only one there for her.
My daughter Anne has issues and a lot of horrible qualities. But she calls me every day and needs my help with basic tasks because she doesnât have anybody anymore. No friends, partner, anybody. She had a daughter young. Her name is Sara. She didnât treat Sara well and it caused problems within the family for years. She would isolate Sara from us the second we said something she didnât like. But she treated her horrible. I supported her financially by buying essentials, foods, and clothes for her because Anne couldnât be bothered.
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck sheâs treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she canât take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when sheâd get frustrated with her. Sara told me that sheâd say things like âThe aliens are coming to get you. Goodbyeâ and lock her bedroom door so Sara canât get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasnât spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she wonât even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her âSara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how youâll feel in the futureâ and now she wants to stop talking to me. Iâve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But itâs never enough. Sheâs taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she wonât know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. Itâs unfair that Iâm the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For ânot taking her outâ but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didnât talk for years. Itâs unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.
submitted by Latter_Stomach8597 to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck sheâs treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she canât take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when sheâd get frustrated with her. Sara told me that sheâd say things like âThe aliens are coming to get you. Goodbyeâ and lock her bedroom door so Sara canât get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasnât spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she wonât even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her âSara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how youâll feel in the futureâ and now she wants to stop talking to me. Iâve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But itâs never enough. Sheâs taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she wonât know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. Itâs unfair that Iâm the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For ânot taking her outâ but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didnât talk for years. Itâs unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.