Pain in armpit male

Hi everyone,
I am a 22 year old male with a history of weightlifting/bodybuilding. Unfortunately, I have had back back pain for about 2.5 years. I have been through physical therapy, MRIs, lots of rest, the whole nine yards. But nothing has really helped and my condition over time seems to just get worse. My doctor in march told me that I could potentially have AS, so he ran tests and they all came back negative. Inflammation markers came back normal, my HLAb27 gene is negative, my rheumatoid factor is negative, etc. It is also worth mentioning that any MRI or Xray that I have gotten in the past has come back perfect. Additionally, all other tests (general tests) suggest that I am in damn near perfect health. I am 5'10 180 pounds and I have very low bodyfat. I get really bad flare ups whenever I train legs or whenever I drive or run or work my core hard.
I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in about 2 weeks and I am stuck on what I should do. On one hand, driving is usually painful and my commute to work will be about an hour to and from work everyday. NSAIDS dont really help with my pain, and I have looked into biologics which look sorta scary. Besides the pain, there are no actual tests or evidence that suggest that I have AS, which makes me reluctant to get the biologics medicine (even though I technically havent been diagnosed yet, but my own research makes me believe that is it very possible that I could have this condition). But on the other hand, I have a super high tolerance for pain. I can go through hell and pretend like I am normal. I just dont know how much longer I can keep up this facade.
I just want my life back. I want to be able to go workout before work, kill it during the work day, and then come home and relax like I used to. However, this condition makes it hard to do normal things. I cant even run without my back hurting like hell. Anyone have any direction on what I should do?

Two summers ago, I drove 7 hours one way to buy a 2019 Manual Genesis G70. It was used, not certified preowned, with just under 12K miles. The OEM tires were approaching the end of their useful life. It had one scratch on the rear passenger door and an annoying dealership permanent sticker on the trunk. It also only had one key. The head unit infotainment screen also had a small delamination crack - visible if you looked close but not perceptible if you ran your fingers across it. I bought it as is, though Genesis has a stellar warranty that transfers to the second owner so I still had 2 years warranty remaining. It was too far away for me to get it to a trusted mechanic to PPI, so the warranty was a huge factor.
On a long drive to the beach, the screens began to flicker. The car still ran mechanically fine, but it was alarming. I also noticed I couldn't get the Genesis Connected Services to work. A few weeks later, the screens were flickering again in my driveway. I shut the car off thinking if I just shut it off and turned it back on it would fix itself - for about 5 minutes I couldn't restart the car. It was as though it had a completely dead battery. I took it to my local dealer which unfortunately is an hour away but fortunately is reached through a combination of great back roads and highways. They were unable to replicate the issue but decided to attribute it to the head unit and replaced the entire thing on the basis of the delamination crack being covered by warranty. A week after I got the car back, the screens flickered again. I tried doing an over the air software update with Genesis Corporate over the phone and it kept failing, so we went back to the dealership. They manually did the update. After a few more weeks, the screens flickered again. I took it back down and they decided to go nuclear, completely uninstalling all software and updates from the car and then reinstalling the latest software as a clean slate. When I got it back - my genesis connected services were working and the screens never flickered again. BUT. My backup camera would now randomly stop working. I took it back and they tried a patch update to the backup camera software as well as replacing a crush washer that's apparently a known failure point for the backup camera. The problem persisted. They informed me there is a sensor in the transmission that tells the backup camera when the car is in reverse and when to turn on. That sensor apparently failed, and the solution is apparently to replace the entire transmission. I personally found that insane, but a new clutch and transmission covered fully under warranty? Sure, I'll enjoy your courtesy car a little longer. Yeah, on that note. Having the car in and out of the shop so often was annoying, but it was all covered under Genesis phenomenal warranty, the dealership was surprisingly patient, understanding and communicative, and since they're an hour away I had an opportunity to enjoy some courtesy cars on a good mix of backroads and highways. The courtesy cars I had in no particular order...

• 2023 Genesis G70, 2.0 Turbo AWD. Felt heavy and the automatic transmission seems to take up more space in the center console than the manual. Definitely quicker than my car, but I don't enjoy the weightyness to it. I think it might have something to do with how the power is being put down? Like it IS faster than my car and it DOES have better traction in corners but it FEELS much heavier.
  
• 2023 Sonata N-Line. Feels fast and light but not for me. The interior after getting out of a G70 is a let down and the front wheel drive and extra power don't do enough to make up for it. To clarify - I think this is a fun car if you want a quick, front wheel drive sedan - but it's not my cup of tea.
  
• 2022 Genesis G80. Cannot say enough good things about this car. Feels like a true luxobarge. Gorgeous, comfortable, quiet interior, everything feels heavy and expensive but it also has the power to get out of its own way. This was by far, hands down, no comparison, the best courtesy car I've ever been given. I'd go as far as to say it's one of the best cars I've ever driven in my life. That's relative of course, but it really was just such an impressive vehicle. It was hard to find anything not to like about it.
  
• 2023 Genesis G70, 3.3 twin turbo AWD. Holy hell this thing moves. So, this car has the sunroof - which I hate. In G70s with the sunroof, I have to put the seat all the way on the floor to have headroom. I'm 5'11" with a 32 inch inseam if that gives you an idea of my torso/leg ratio. It also had the same heavyness I felt in the 2.0 AWD courtesy car - it's something to do with the AWD but I don't know if it's how the system moves power around or if it's literally just the added weight of the system. It doesn't feel flickable the way my RWD car feels. And before you call me an idiot for describing my G70 as flickable, understand it's all relative and I haven't owned or driven that many performance cars in my life. I know my car isn't a miata. That all being said. So. Freaking. Fast. The V6 has a really unique sound to it unlike any other V6 I've experienced, I can't decide if I like it or not but it's definitely unique. The speed is really incredible and the AWD makes it so usable. You can floor it turning right or left off the line at a stoplight and it will hold the road and put the power down. If I weren't so sure this car would get me arrested, I'd want one.
  

I got my car back and I haven't had any issues with screens or backup cameras or anything else since the transmission replacement. So what's to love? Small, sporty, rear wheel drive car that has the power to break traction but isn't so powerful that you can't use all your gears. To me this car is straddling the line of slow car fast. It's incredibly comfortable, has a great stereo, looks cool, and it's got enough room for me, my spouse, my dog and a child seat. Also so glad I got the manual when I did - manual G70s are not easy to find. This was one of four for sale within 500 miles of my zip when I bought it. The rear seat is actually usable, but the foot room is tight. I'm 5'11 with a 32 inch inseam. If I take my shoes off, I can sit behind my driving position. I have the knee and hip room - but the foot room is very tight for an adult male. Decent gas mileage if you're not driving it like a hooligan. Feels light and eager to turn, even at speed.
What's not so good? The trunk has a high load floor so even though you have a good opening and footprint, it's shallow. It's not unusable, it's just not as deep as you'd expect it to be. I was still able to fit everything my spouse, my dog and I needed for a week at the beach. Speaking of long trips - no spare tire. That pissed me off. Not even a space saver? Come on. I think it should be a legal requirement that all cars have at least a space saver. In any case, this car can accept the same space saver spare kit the 3.3 model comes with or the Kia Stinger comes with. I ordered the parts online and installed a space saver spare myself. The backup camera shuts off as soon as you're out of reverse, even if you're rolling backwards in neutral. This is a nitpick, but I do wish the backup camera would stay on until I was rolling forward. Speaking of reverse, the pedal box is tight and I usually wear an 11 or 12 shoe depending on the brand. With certain shoes, I have to modify my left foot motion because my toe will catch the arm of the clutch pedal. Not impossible, but it can be annoying in certain pairs of shoes or if you have big feet.
Clutch and Transmission :: I'm gonna give this it's own section because I feel like this is a very case sensitive matter. Manuals I drove before this - a 2011 Subaru Outback. First manual car I bought and I drove it for 120K miles before an old dude in a Yukon totaled it. Some people have said they don't enjoy the feeling of this transmission, I don't have much to compare it to. I think the stick feel is fine. The actual clutch is a toss up for me. It's hydraulic, so on one hand it's buttery smooth and easy and very forgiving if you're doing a drive through or in stop and go traffic - things I took pains to avoid in my outback. The flip side is, the pedal gives you very little feedback. The bite point is harder to feel and it definitely numbs the experience a bit. If you're looking for a very raw, analog feeling transmission this is not it. This feels much more like an entry level luxury sport sedan that was given a manual just because it would be cool to have a manual, but also trying to do one in such a way that it wouldn't alienate luxury car buyers who generally find manuals to be a nuisance.
Would I go through it all again? Absolutely. The dealer trips were annoying but it let me test drive some cool stuff and I never paid a dime. The only thing I paid for was an oil change, a new set of tires (not from the dealer) and a new key cause I wanted to have two. The key was $700 which is offensive but unfortunately not unheard of with modern cars. The car is a blast. If you want a smallish, luxuryish, sportscarish vehicle that gives you a lot of nice stuff without being too expensive or too harsh, check out a G70. If you're a manual purist, you may love it or hate it - the clutch is definitely a sticking point for many people. Genesis Dealer? Mine is great, thank god. But I have heard plenty of horror stories from other owners who went to more Hyundai focused dealers. Maintenance? No mechanical issues at all, just weird software related glitches that were all covered under warranty. Mods? Not really planning anything big. I added a sun strip to the windshield, a dash cam and wiring for my radar detector. Also the spare tire. And I put PS4s on it. I plan to keep it stock - at least until it's paid off and the warranty is out.
Questions for reddit :: Catch cans! Should I have one on this car? Is there a recommended brand? Do your mechanics charge you more to empty them or do you empty them yourselves? What does a catch can do that the OEM air oil separator doesnt?
TL;DR :: I like my manual G70. It isn't very fast, but I like it.

chapters 1&2
chapter 3
chapter 4
chapter 5
chapter 6
chapter 7
chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
The lecture was supposed to be on Rationality 101, apparently not for Newcomers only. Serene was there to have her back but G was having a hard time focusing.
The boring black uniform more fitting for a hotel receptionist defaced the godlike beauty standing in front of a huge screen. Gentry couldn’t believe her eyes: this was the man she had her hands on a little while ago?
No, it couldn’t be.
It had been just an avatar, too perfect in its unblemished visage, too pure for this world. Yet the man whose face she remembered as if it was etched on the back of her eyelids, who she’d been constantly thinking about, who her hands itched to snatch, was standing right there, in the flesh.
Back in the dreamy simulated world she caught herself thinking that a trim waist like this couldn’t anatomically work on a human, yet here he was: a towering spread of fit shoulders perfectly balanced above the flexible whip of his midsection. The light-grey eyes that betrayed every movement of his pupils were as real as the ones that reflected the mock moon during her test. Below them lay the sharp slope of the cheekbones one could cut themselves on.
The only thing a bit different, apart from the outfit choice, was the young god’s hair. In the simulation, it was flowing and probably too long to be practical. This person’s mane was much shorter and fell down his neck in a neat ponytail, tastefully tamed with a single hairpin.
She had to get her hands on this treasure.
He was making last minute preparations for the lecture, looking through the papers on the desk, dark strands framing his face, light grey eyes sharp in careful concentration.
Professor Q, huh.
He said this was his name, and so did the note on the lecture hall door.
She was sure it was the man who had melted in her arms making the most delicious sounds a male throat could produce.
Had he recognised her?
Unlikely.
At the time of the simulation session, she didn’t have a camera that could pick up her facial features but just to be on the safe side, she decided to go by “G” in his class. There were bound to be lots of people with a name starting with a G, right? What would be the odds it was this particular newcomer that Q had tested that would end up in his class?
The man finally lifted his eyes at the audience and a gentle smile momentarily graced his features before disappearing as if he didn’t see someone he’d expected to.
The holoboard on the wall behind him obediently lit up following his nonchalant gesture. Gentry found it annoying that one needed a pair of special glasses to see all the augmented reality stuff and really navigate the city but again, with Sereen’s help she had more or less gotten used to it in the couple of days she had to deal with the necessities like settling down, getting food and finding her way around Ashtapada.
Still, could they use a piece of chalk or, at least, a marker to write on the board? No need to show off your Fully Automated Luxury Space Communism tech just to write a couple of notes on the board!
On second thought, high-tech-crazy or not, if this city brought up men like this one, she would definitely do her best to stay here to… reap the benefits!
They took a desk next to a huge clear floor-to-ceiling window that overlooked the winter garden.
“Professor Q seems a little distracted today,” Sereen said, swiftly tapping a couple of buttons on G’s wrist to show her how to confirm that she was attending the lecture. “He’s usually much more chatty and friendly. I wonder what got into him.”
“Is he?” Gentry responded with an artificial air of indifference. “I just hope he’s more open to a discussion than that Poe guy.”
“He is! And Professor Poe isn’t that bad,” Sereen reprimanded before chuckling a little — since his little secret became known to students, he became known as Holopoe. “Just wait and see, it’s gonna be a blast. Q’s lectures are always very engaging.”
It proved to be utter bullshit.
After fiddling with the symbols on the interactive screen for ten minutes into the class, students getting more and more agitated behind his back, the lecturer seemed to give up. Turning back to the audience, he absentmindedly nodded to a couple of people in the lecture hall and sighed with a painfully fake smile.
“For today’s class, we are going to need to read a certain extract from a book,” he said, tone apologetic for some reason, but it solidified G’s conviction that she already knew this person. “I’ve just sent it to each of your wristcomms. We’ll have some quiet time and read it by ourselves, alright?”
“Reading from the comm?” Sereen mumbled to herself. “Couldn’t he just print them out?”
The rest of the students’ grumbles showed that they shared her disappointment. Q could only hopelessly smile again before returning to his work on the board.
Reading from the little semi-transparent screens was indeed torture. Quickly giving up on trying to awkwardly use gestures for scrolling through the text, she looked out of the window to entertain herself with the garden outside. From the modest height they were sitting at, the people below were quite discernible, partly hidden by the greenery, spread here and there in small groups and pairs. Gentry longed to be there, too. What was the use of being here with the most attractive person in the whole world if the only thing she could see was his back?
Well, the back didn’t look half bad, if she was honest, and what was below also pleased the eye.
But still. It would soon bore even the most easily entertained.
Her gaze fell to a small clearing where a lone male figure was sitting, writing something in a notebook. By the looks of it, the notebook was a real paper-made thing without the bells and whistles usual for Ashtapada. The next thing G noticed was a pair of slender legs, barefoot, stretched to dip the toes into the clear water of the artificial stream.
God bless the urban designers of this place!
The figure lifted the head and in an inconceivably graceful motion, swung the long blond bangs away from the face.
G straightened her back. Was it... Ok, maybe Q was the most handsome man she’d seen in her life but this... This was the younger boy she’d noticed a couple of days back, the one in a plaid skirt, shamelessly flirting with everyone within reach. Today, he wasn’t wearing one but the blue jeans hugging his thighs, rolled up almost to the knees, presented a picture just as tantalizing. Even with the hair was a completely different colour, even though the half-up, half-down style kept his face hidden, she was absolutely certain it was the same person.
Just you wait, young beauty, as soon as this “lecture” was over, your princess in shining armour was coming to pick you up!
Suddenly snapping out of the dull weariness, she turned on the auglasses S helped her obtain earlier and tapped away on her comm screen.
What a chance to give the local text sharing feature a go!
“The garden is pretty, but with a blossom like you, it is truly breathtaking. I wonder if anyone has picked this sweet flower or if anyone dares to,” she typed a cheesy note and folded the message into a neat 3D figurine of an origami paper crane with her fingers in the air.
Was S watching? Screw it, even if she was, she couldn’t read the message with her glasses off, right?
Carefully aiming the device at the lone figure, she launched the crane downwards, and it fluttered like a weightless butterfly in spirals, through the glass and right into the young man’s lap, not disturbing the notebook pages. He started at first at the intrusion but then turned his own glasses on and unfolded the message. A shy smile appeared on his plump lips, and he looked flattered, turning his head around to see if the sender was in sight. Catching no one, he typed something below the initial message and deftly folded it back into a crane that, to G’s surprise, flew directly at her, in uneven spirals along the wall. The man traced it with a smile, propping himself back on his arms, his whole slim body and face on full display now.
God, was he good-looking.
Easily passing the physical border of the glass again, the crane crashed into Gentry’s wristcomm, dutifully delivering the message and betraying her tactical position at the same time. An amused kind of surprise showed on the young man’s face and he waved at her to show that she had been exposed. She waved back, trying to look nonchalant but probably failing miserably.
Very smooth, G, way to go.
The message read, “Is a flower only good for looking at? Not this one.”
Oooh, this boy was playing with fire!
“Hey, G,” Sereen nudged. “Have you finished reading?”
“Mm? Oh, yeah.” Gentry lied easily. She had skimmed the first couple of paragraphs and was sure she’d be able to come up with something if asked.
“Done everybody?” the deep gentle voice called from the holoboard and G’s attention snapped back to the dignified face.
The class murmured affirmatively.
“I’m sorry today’s lecture isn’t as fun as usual,” he admitted. “I must say I’m still unsure how to approach such complex topic as this one. But with your help, I hope we’ll figure it out.”
Everyone seemed to perk up.
“You just read an extract on paradoxes,” Q went on. “And you might be wondering why we are raising a philosophical topic on a rational thinking course.”
“There you go,” Sereen whispered. “He’s back to normal!”
G humphed. This did seem interesting. Was it a good idea to read the extract after all?
Q continued, “In the text, you might have encountered the definition of a paradox. Would anyone explain it with their own words?”
A raised hand and the lecturer’s nod brought some courageous soul to their feet.
“It’s when you start with the correct premises, use consistent logic but wind up with an impossible conclusion,” they said. “There are three types: falsidical, veridical and antimony-type, which are...”
“Correct,” Q smiled and nodded the person back down. It was a smile worth starting a thousand wars over.
“Now there’s a reason why I asked you to read about them. Why do you think people have been fascinated with paradoxes for such a long time?”
S raised her hand and received a kind invitation.
“I might be wrong,” she said. “But it seems that they point at the limitations of our thinking, things that seem rational but in fact aren’t. We feel that with our all-conquering logic we can solve any puzzle but it’s not always the case. Right?”
“This is very insightful,” the teacher confirmed. “It is believed by many that what’s rational is true and therefore what rationality cannot explain must be false.”
“I definitely know someone who would die on that hill,” Gentry grumbled under her breath.
“I’m sorry?” Q asked. “Is there something you wanted to add... sorry, I don’t know your name?”
Still half mad with professor Poe, Gentry stood up. “It’s G, I’m a Newcomer. I was saying how a human mind can fool itself into thinking it knows what it looks at as long as it makes sense. But in reality, it’s not there, like the sky.”
That was the only thing she remembered from that last lecture! She felt the tips of her ears heat up but the kind and considering look on Q’s face showed her gamble paid off.
“These are very insightful observations, G, why don’t we try exploring them together?” — he waived her to sit down and turned back to the class — “Five minutes to discuss how paradoxes might reveal the weaknesses of rational thinking. Send your answers to the board when you’re done.”
“Whoa, daring as usual,” Sereen smiled. “I knew you’d enjoy his class.”
“Now, consider these two questions,” Q said to another student who stood up at his hand wave. “If an unstoppable force meets an indestructible object, what is going to happen?”
The person seemed to contemplate it for a while and the teacher didn’t rush him.
“Isn’t it one of those which are impossible to solve because the existence of the one automatically disproves the existence of the other?”
Q nodded, “Correct. The second one about the barber in a small town is of the same sort. Sereen?”
S stood up too, “The one that shaves all and only men that don’t shave themselves?”
“Yes,” he confirmed. “At first, a premise like this seems perfectly reasonable, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” S responded, somewhat rashly. “But it’s clear that a barber like this cannot exist.”
“Wait, really?” Gentry whispered as Q nodded in satisfaction and urged her friend to go on.
“Yes, if we ask ourselves if this barber shaves himself. If he doesn’t, then he is part of the group which he does shave that do not shave themselves, but if he is in this group, then he does shave himself which makes it impossible for him to be this barber by definition.”
While the rest of the class was catching up with the logic, Q’s smile got only wider, more inviting.
“What does it tell us about the nature of the premise then?” he asked.
“That although it seems that it sounds logical on the surface, it is in fact nonsense and we don’t even need to hear the rest of the riddle to discard it completely,” S concluded.
The man chuckled.
“Well, I wouldn’t be that brash, to be honest, but on balance, you’re right,” he said. “If you stay after the lecture, I might recommend a couple of books on the topic. Your Newcomer friend is welcome to stay, too.”
G put up the best of the aloof fronts, “I’d be happy to, Professor.”
“Q is fine,” he smiled again and went on addressing the rest of the class that immediately exploded into a heated discussion.
***
“Basically, what I think we’re supposed to learn from this,” S concluded after a while, standing up so that everyone could hear her. “Is that before applying rationality, we have to make sure that all the premises we are dealing with are in fact realistic. Otherwise, there is no way rational thinking will help us.”
“Excellently put, as always,” Q applauded. “I’d love to see if everyone agrees or has something else to add to the discussion but our time is up. Feel free to write me a letter with your reflections on the topic.”
As interesting as the class was, the urge to leave the premises as soon as the teacher dismissed everyone seemed to be universal and applicable even to the Ashtapadans.
“I have to go now,” Sereen said. “Text you later, ok?” And with a reciprocal nod to Q, disappeared in the doors, joining the rest of the students.
Sadly, she couldn’t recall what they were talking about after the lecture, nor what titles Professor recommended for some home reading. She just hoped she didn’t make a fool of herself.
What Gentry did remember though was that after Q left as well and she came up to the panoramic window, Sereen and the mysterious flower boy were leaving the garden together. And it was hard not to notice that her new friend took off her wristcomm before they took off, and hid it in the tall grass.

I (30yo woman) am getting married to my fiance (32yo man) in October. We have had a relatively long engagement and got engaged back in February of 2023. Since February of this year, I had this sad feeling in my gut that my grandparents would opt to not go to our wedding. Unfortunately, this was confirmed via email on Sunday, and they gave me the excuse I was expecting them to give: the dog.
My grandparents are healthy and relatively young. About ten years ago, they randomly decided to move away from us to go live in the north GA mountains. Despite the relatively short travel time of 3hrs, they have always insisted we go up to visit (even though my mom, sister, and I are not retired and work full time with conflicting schedules; plus, we take care of my 94yo great grandmother (my grandfather's mother)) and they have gone from spending every holiday with us when they lived here, to having spent a total of 3 holidays with us in the past 10 years.
When their last dog died back in 2017, they got another one about two years after that. My grandparents have always insisted on getting nothing but purebred English setters (even though each one has had plenty of health issues because... That's what happens when you buy a purebreed), and even though they knew it would be too much dog for them to deal with in their older years, chose not just a male, but the biggest puppy in the litter that would end up in the 90th percentile in size for a male English setter. Because my grandparents live in the middle of Actual Nowhere, this dog has never been around other dogs or people, and they've NEVER left him alone, not even for 10 minutes. If they drive over an hour into town for groceries, he goes with them, or my grandmother stays behind with him if the trip is going to take too long (like the time my grandfather had an eye appointment and drove back up into the mountains by himself with his pupils still dilated...)
So for the past 5 years, the dog has been their excuse. "Well he's too strong and might not do good around other dogs" (because you didn't socialize him), "he might become destructive if we visit and stay in a place he's not familiar with" (because he never left that damn mountain), etc etc.
Now, unfortunately, he has seizures. Massive grand mal seizures that have occurred two or three times since December that have apparently led to him running off into the Appalachian wilderness for hours, or biting my grandfather, or knocking my grandmother down.
Before this stuff with my wedding, we were already getting fed up with my grandparents. My great grandmother (the one I mentioned earlier and my last surviving great grandparent of the three that I had while growing up) fell back in October and broke her hip. She was in the hospital for a couple weeks and then was transferred to a pretty shitty place for physical therapy for two months after that. All the time her dementia and paranoia getting worse. She would constantly ask where her son Greg was and why he wouldn't visit her. So we'd call my grandfather and plead for him to visit his mother because we were so tired of feeding her the same excuses every time we visited to (kind of) placate her. Despite months of this, her breaking her hip AGAIN, us worrying she'd probably die (thank goodness this didn't happen; she got transferred to another long term facility that worked wonders with her and she's walking around with her walker again like she was 70), and her 94th birthday in December... He only visited twice. And neither of those times were on her birthday. When I tell you that was the most depressing "birthday party"... It was just me, my mom, my sister, and my great grandmother staring and not wanting to eat the birthday cake that my grandfather ordered. Cold rain pouring outside and my poor great grandmother finally sighing "I thought I would see Greg for my birthday..."
So you can see that I'm already at my limit with them. So when I had conversations with them to try to find ANY kind of option to take care of the dog so they could make it to my wedding, it would be like pulling teeth. They don't want anyone to come stay with him at the house, they don't want to bother with getting a pet friendly Airbnb near the venue, they don't want to bring him to the wedding because he might get overstimulated and have a seizure and run off again--I could go on forever. So to them their only option is: don't come to my wedding. And I am sick of them using that damn dog as their go to excuse for whatever their issue is. I want to cut them out of my life for all of this.
Questions I'm sure some of you may have and that may help with context/understanding my confusion and frustration:
-Maybe your grandparents don't approve of who you're marrying? • My fiance and I have been together for six years and they have told me multiple times how much they love him. They were both elated to hear about our engagement.
-Maybe the wedding is too far away? • The wedding is in southern GA, so same state as them. The drive for them would only be 2.5 hours. I have multiple guests coming in from Oregon, and a cousin flying in from Germany.
-Are you not close to your grandparents? • They practically raised me. Our family is painfully tiny (my dad and his family were never in the picture). My mom was 20 and single when she had me, so we lived with my grandparents until I was 4. And then during a period where my mom was involved with my sister's father, she essentially was emotionally and physically absent for 3 years (ages 7-10). I was at my grandparents' house 5 days a week and they were the only ones I had to talk to at the time. My grandmother and I are so alike and her interests molded mine. My grandparents and I used to call multiple times a week just to share different bands to listen to because we have such a similar taste in music. Them telling me they're not coming to my wedding for any reason other than a fatal illness feels like having someone shove a hot poker into my chest.
-Maybe they're not fully aware of how upset you are by this? • I don't like being emotionally vulnerable, but I concisely told them all of my feelings on the matter through an email. (I simply couldn't bring myself to do it over the phone because I know I would become a blubbering mess.)
-Do you hate dogs? • I'm genuinely surprised I don't with how often my grandparents have prioritized their dog over all of their living relatives and friends. I'm an avid animal lover. Honestly, I prefer animals over people 99% of the time. We have two dogs and two cats.
I just feel like an unlovable piece of shit and wanted to vent and see how strangers felt about the issue. Feel free to give advice or scream/cry along with me.

I'm into politics, philosophy, etc, and I've watched a decent amount of PT in the past year or so to see what resources she pulls up so that I can learn more about other topics. I'm currently watching her new video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVilpxowsUQ) on Judith Butler, and a lot of what Butler is saying is complete nonsense to me

• Gender is a performance, gender is only playing into stereotypes and trends and nothing more
• "Gender is a thing we do through repeated stylistic acts. Not a property but an embodied event"
• Compares all genders to dressing up as a femboy
• Saying that everyone (including trans people) have no true gender, gender is chosen throughout time and is always as fluid as the clothes you wear
• Claims that gender is performative (in its philosophical meaning) meaning the only thing needed to be that gender is to say you are/"do it" by putting on clothing/makeup etc
• Blamed the idea of sex-gender relation on the patriarchy and takes nonsense believed hundreds of years ago to support the idea that sex is in no way related to gender
• Then goes on to say actually sex is made up bc humans are 99.9% identical via DNA (no comment on just how impactful sex chromosomes/hormones/systems are on the entire body) so sex is actually fake and means nothing more than eye color, cites the fact that we used to think that race was more biologically significant than we now know it to be
• Further, sex and gender only exist in the "heterosexual matrix" and we should live in a completely gender-less and sex-less society, women only exist in relation to men and therefore lesbians aren't women because they exist outside the male gaze

I'm only 15 minutes in and I can no longer stand it
If Judith is right, why do I have to inject .25mL of testosterone every week? Why when I don't pack I can't think about that area without tears forming because there's something missing? Why does being called she/her feel out of touch and wrong? Why can't I preform as a woman without feeling literal pain? "Oh well you just don't like performing as a woman" okay but why there is a reason.
I think Butler's main issue is a big one amongst "progressive" trans spaces, she misrepresents gender roles and performance as actual neurological gender. And I feel disappointed that PT, as a trans woman, decided to put that very dangerous content out there (and then tried to save her ass by saying "oh well you can't actually choose your gender here's this incomprehensible quote from one of Butlers paper's saying that's not how it works" when literally everything in her video directly challenges that).
Wondering if anyone else has seen this video and read some of Butler's work and what your thoughts are on it

I am 24. For reference I am Female to Male Transgender, no operations, on testosterone.
I have had pain for a long time, more prevalent in the past 6 years, but have had problems for significantly longer.
I have always gotten bad muscle cramps from a young age, especially in my calf muscles, the earliest I remember I would have been about 7-8 and I would often wake up from them, though that has not happened in a few years now asides from a random once or twice.
The pain is mostly in my joints, especially hips, knees, back (upper, middle and lower,) neck and fingers.
I have PCOS, and T2 Diabetes diagnosed in 2020, at age 20.
I am 173cm, 108kg. I am not too active at this point in time due to my pain, however 2 years ago I was walking an average of 10k steps a day 4 days a week, and actively working out with weights. Did not help the pain at all, and was having to rest often or I’d be in too much pain to stand.
I also have gut issues, seemingly always ulternating between constipated and diarrhoea. Very sensitive to the sun, with l sunscreen on i will still burn on my face which often leads to extreme swelling and my eyes being stuck closed. Overall sensitivity to light, and eye muscle pain. Psoriasis(?) on face which suddenly appeared after a bad sunburn.
I get headaches very often, and nausea, I recently randomly fainted after a brainfreeze which had never happened before, but feeling dizzy and lightheaded is common.
I have jaw pain, TMJ, and have dislocated my jaw twice from overextention (yawning.)
I get severe pain in my fingers and hands, typing even just this causes my thumbs to seize up a bit and makes typing a lot harder on my phone. And I wake up with weakness in my hands daily and am unable to do basic tasks for an amount of time.
Chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression also prevalent throughout my life.
Arthritis of many types runs in my family, my aunt has lupus, both of my maternal grandparents have Ankylosing Spodylitis. All have been ruled out (though need to get retested for Lupus)
Starting to get frustrated at doctors not caring and saying there’s nothing wrong, blaming my weight etc.
Are there any specific tests I should ask for? Any referrals that would be most beneficial? I was told rheumatologist, but then the doctor wouldn’t actually refer me so… yeah.
Just want answers at this point, starting to struggle, 1-2 hours on my feet and my whole bodt is aching for the next 12.

I am a 23 year old female. The last five days I have had 3 swollen lymph nodes get worse in my righr armpit. They are painful and achy. Last night I felt an ache in my left armpit and felt a small one starting to form in my left armpit. However, I do not feel sick whatsoever. I have fatigue and body aches. The last three nights I have woke up hot and sticky, I wouldn't say drenched in sweat, but I have woke up with pain in both armpits last night.

I know this gets brought up occasionally but I want to discuss this as it’s affected my life drastically. I’m sick of people our age seeing mistakes, bad moments, or negativity as unforgivable. Like we have this mindset we were born into the future so the mistakes of the past must never be repeated, and if they are, you’re a monster. Nobody looks at the individual, and how that individual grows and is overcoming their issues. I’ve been treated as if I have a time limit of how long I have a hard time before I’m a piece of shit.
My story goes, I have spent two years in undiagnosed chronic pain unable to work. Along with numerous other issues. My life isn’t good. I can never act as if it is. It feels dishonest to just lie to myself and be positive. I’m literally just trying not to dip out early. BUT if I even talk about my situation, my peers don’t offer support but instead see me as pessimistic when I’m just venting. I’m expected as an adult male to figure this out alone, and because I’ve been frustrated over this in the past, I am a negative person. Whenever I see these lovey dovey positivity posts, I don’t see genuine help. I see a temporary crutch to hold until that mindset gets questioned, then the crutch breaks. I see people putting their own comfort of mind over everyone around them. Because it’s your life to live kinda thing. I disagree, yea it’s good to be positive, but not if it’s a lie. That isn’t foundation. And there’s 8 billion people in the world to take into account for, not just what makes you happy. I believe the moment you befriend someone, that’s also someone you should value just as much as yourself. People are so fast to give up on someone going through a hard time if they’re mishandling it. I often believe people can handle more than what they think too. Like being around a negative person to me, doesn’t affect me to the point I’m going to start feeling negative and want to die. I often feel a need to help, and apparently no one else thinks like that. They Just avoid all obstacles, don’t work through problems in relationships because there’s a perfect match waiting for you somewhere, stop wasting your time with someone who has faults. That person is bad, so give up. Make them worse. Stay positive, focus on you. To summarize, I view honesty as a better problem solver and treatment than positivity. And that we need to be more forgiving with each other.
I wrote this specifically in hopes someone can help me change my mind. And also because I haven’t felt this lack of tolerating people with older people/ generations. I’ve lost countless friends so I know I’m doing something wrong here. I want to change, to live, and be better. But nobody sees that part, they just think I’m gonna be mad forever and I’ve changed permanently. Yea I’ve said some bad things from agony and frustration but my peers should’ve known I’m dealing with a lot and it likely didn’t mean anything. I just don’t get why people stop understanding someone’s behavior after a certain extent no matter what that person has gone through. I feel just thrown away by the word around me because I screwed up a few times. Yet people I know who’ve done absolute horrific things are favorites amongst those people. Most of me wants to say “Fuck you guys, I’m finding new people who will stay when shit gets hard, who will value me and fight for me”.
Also I don’t expect my adult friends to be there at all times. One of them said “I’m not a dog who’ll be there whenever you want, but I’ll love you from afar” kind of thing. I don’t view my peers as dogs. Just none of them have checked in or said hi in months and I feel neglected. Like I wasted my time with these people and I need new peers. Which would be fine. I just don’t want to try if everyone in our generation acts this way. Just gaslighting positivity and those who don’t follow that light, are left in the dark.
Thanks for reading, I don’t want to argue with any of you. Just wanted some thoughts. Please be kind.

Danna stopped recording and lowered the phone.
"Daniel Levi, we practiced this!"
"Sorry, Mom. I'm just kinda tired and..."
"Well if you would GET THIS RIGHT, you could go and have a rest!"
Shaking her head, she deleted the clip and raised the phone again, thumb tapping the screen to restart recording.
"Again," she said, watching the boys scramble to get back to their starting positions.
Daniel had been very obstinate and whiny lately, feigning pain and tiredness to try and get out of working. No matter how she explained to him that the videos were how the family made money, no matter how long she made Derick paddle him—and her oh-so-strong husband kept trying to puss out on that—the child's will would not be tamed.
Finally, after another take, they got the shots she wanted for the day's big video. All that was left now was to edit this was to edit this with the footage of herself from earlier, play with the filters and everything, and post.
Children were a test. They were, of course, sent by the Lord to refine the spirit, to challenge dreams and delay goals so as to make the parents into stronger vessels.
But Danna Orson was certain that her second son went beyond the usual testing intended by God.
Daniel had been needier at birth than the others, and had a stronger will as he grew than the others. Danna simply did not know how to break the boy. She almost wished her mother were around. Peggy Lynn Sooks knew how to bring anyone in line: children, pets, employees. Maybe, if the Lord compelled them to turn around and pass back through Iowa at some point, Danna could prevail on Derick to allow a stop-off to visit Peggy Lynn. All the boys would benefit from some of their grandma's order and discipline.
Derick would benefit from being reminded too that while the man might be the headship, the woman ruled the roost.
Making her way back to the RV, Danna plopped down in her favourite chair and started editing. Occasionally she considered turning this mundanity over to one of the older children, after some training of course, but she knew none of them would truly understand how things worked.
Men were all muscle and no mind. Women were little enough mind as it was, but men had none at all, particularly not for things that were important—things that mattered.
Derick stepped out of the RV and moved behind her chair, resting a hand on her shoulder.
"Hi, sugar," he said.
"I'm all sweaty," she responded, "so don't touch me with your cold hands."
She felt her husband pull away.
"Sorry."
Men had to be discreetly kept in line. They had to know that a wife was available to them physically, but you never could let them sense any deeper emotional bond. That led to problems later. Danna knew it well enough by now.
She had been gentler with Derick when they met, and ever-sweet, and emotionally available because, as a dumb college girl, she thought men cared about emotional investment too.
All it had earned her was a husband she had to cajole and weedle to get sex when she was ready for another baby. Even then, they did not always conceive easily, and she blamed herself on some level. She had no physical impediment, of course, but she had been tender toward what she perceived as Derick's emotional needs when they met.
Treating men as emotional creatures and responding to their feigned feelings in kind—and their feelings were feigned, as part of how the Lord helped them win a woman—was emasculating. It could even make them faggots. Danna was pretty sure, as little as he seemed to want sex, that Derick would immediately go the faggot route if she did not keep close tabs on him.
She could see hints of it in the way he walked so carefully aboard the RV, letting the kids run all around him and never pushing past to assert himself as the dominant male. It was visible in how he treated the kids too, hugging on them when they were whining because of some little cut or bruise, helping them up if they tripped or fell or anything in proximity to him.
She would just have to keep working on it.
5 Table of Contents

Age 23 Sex Male Medication- Strepsils recently Weight - 70kgs
So, i just noticed this spot in my inner cheeks, its no at all painful, and feels just like a pimple. What worries me is its colour, its dark. It wasnt there yesterday. Yes, i do smoke regularly. Image : https://imgur.com/a/OiKzLJz Image 2: https://imgur.com/a/64hyODv

Hey all.
I'm a 29 year old white male who has been struggling with a sudden emergence of some childhood memories. Over the weekend during a therapy session I had full recovery and confirmation of the incident and I'm really struggling.
I feel alone, and inmasculated.
On top of that, I suddenly have what I can only describe as "sudden unexpected phantom penetration pain" where I almost feel like I have something in me again..
I'm really just looking for some community and to know I'm not the only one going through these things.

I am a young male and wrote this to my dear friend recently before backing out of suicide.
My sister. I love you so very much, and I admire you. Often, I even envy you. I think I care about you more than you care about me, and I feel so protective of you. Yet, frustratingly, I don’t think you really need me. I wish you did need me, and I wish you cared about me more as much as I care about you. That’s not your fault though, don’t think that it is. I don’t wish to give you the wrong idea but I think you’re so beautiful. Not in a sick, twisted way that would end in harm for everyone, but in a way that makes me oddly proud. It’s like I get to know this pretty girl and be her close friend while most don’t. You’ve always supported me, and you can make me smile when nobody else can. There are so many examples of this. You totally change the trajectory of my day so often. That’s not irregular either. A lot of the time the best part of my day was seeing you, talking to you, sometimes even just being around you. I am not drawn to you or attracted to you, let me plainly state that clearly. I feel I shouldn’t have to say that, but frustratingly I feel like the thought crosses my mind sometimes and I want to affirm that. There’s nothing wrong with you, I just see you as my sister, and you’re taken, and I need to be single. So, triple threat on that one. I feel as if the only reason I think that way sometimes is because I’m so deeply lonely and I cling on to you because I just want feminine affirmation I think. Or perhaps just normal affirmation. It’s quite difficult to analyze yourself sometimes. One day you’ll make a great wife and I wish I could be there to see it. If my Father permits me, I’ll watch from above. Or perhaps from below if I’ve made some theological mistake and salvation is different from what we think. Sister, you’re so precious to me and I wish I knew how to express the way I love you, and how deeply. In my time alive there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The reason for my death, in case you’re wondering, is simple. Justice. I cannot stand to think I am getting away with my depravity with no punishment. Jesus suffering in my stead has one flaw, that I don’t suffer for it. Is it truly justice if I don’t suffer? The punishment is imputed onto another and thus is unjust. That’s one part of it, but it’s also because I’m just so pathetic and can’t stand firm. I want to be strong but I am intrinsically weak. I try to lean on Him for strength but that requires that I seek him which I so often fail to do. I get caught in a loop of maybe seeking him for a little while, but eventually growing exhausted from the weight of following him and crashing into slothfulness. I don’t know why Jesus said his burden was light, it maybe be light to hold, but holding even a feather will weight you down after enough time. I also know that I’m not really a man. I’m so pathetic, in ways you will never see. So deeply depraved in ways you’ll never see. I want to be good, but I feel like I’ve seen the devil. I am the devil. The reflection I see fills me with wrath, the one who has created all of my problems. The face of whom, by his complacency has mucked his hair with the blood of those he could’ve helped. An antichrist. A monster. The enemy. Me. What a sickening naivety I have to think I could ever be excellent, or worthy. I have failed, sister. Even now I question if I was a good brother. Be honest with yourself and reflect. Was I a good brother, Torri? I love you sister. My best friend. Wise and sharp and diligent and driven. How I ache to know this may hurt you. I was supposed to protect you from pain but I fear this may cause it. Or perhaps you will be indifferent. Either way, by my death I will either be in paradise or my damnation will serve to extol God’s glory by illustrating his perfect justice forever. Love Him foremost.

So I'm an incel I mean technically, but I don't subscribe to this whole blackpill ideologue. The way I see it is you were dealt a set of cards at birth and it's your job to make the most of it. Of course, the game is easier for people who got a good draw, but you can't change that so you should focus on improving yourself and that doesn't just mean going to the gym. That's only a small part of it.
Blaming women or society for high standards is ridiculous and useless. First of all yes women right now control the dating market and they do have higher standards than men. This has been proven by numerous studies I don't dispute that. However, I belive the narrative that is pushed on this sub about women's standards is false. You don't have to be a 6'3 male model to be in a happy relationship. When you see women on social media having extremely high standards I don't think it's representative of most women. If you get off reddit and tiktok and go socialize you will find that most women and most people are nice normal people that don't care about cantalt tilt or hunter eyes or whatever else.
I do understand where you guys are coming from. I come from the same place of being utterly invisible to the fairer sex. And it sucks. But here is the thing closing yourself off in this incel echo-chamber community, might feel nice at first it might feel like you found a community that understands your struggles and supports you through them, but ultimately it is bad for you. This community will make you wholeheartedly believe that you are undesirable to all women and that there is nothing you can do to change that. This belief will indeed make you unattractive therefore reinforcing the feedback loop.
The incel community in my opinion is very cult-like in a way. They make you feel seen when nobody does, they make you feel safe to say what you think. They create enemies for you to root against (chads and stacies). I mean it's not exactly a cult because there is no leader or financial motif but it's definitely an echo chamber.
And to the inceltears and alike. You are contributing to the problem. I get that it's fun to make fun of incels and losers, and some of them deserve it, but when you alienate people for feeling different it will only push them further into their ecochambered beliefs. It's been proven that alienating people's beliefs does not make them change their minds it only pushes them further into the rabbit hole. Also like what a loser thing to do just spending your time on the internet making fun of virgins.
Anyways, I really do empathize with incels (except the violent ones fuck em). I get where you come from. I understand the pain but this isn't the way out of the pain, you're just digging yourself deeper.
I will leave you with this. The thought that has kept me from getting black pilled:"Shorter guys than me have successful relationships, uglier guys than me have successful relationships, so why not me, and why not you"
I'm probably going to get a lot of hate from people on this sub and maybe even from the other side too. But try to keep an open mind to what I suggest. I really hope while reading this you considered what I had to say and didn't blindly disagree because I go against your beliefs. It's not over for you you can still find love but you have to let go of these childish beliefs. I'm interested to hear your thoughts on this whole post, do you agree, or disagree? Did I make you change your mind about something or am I totally off the mark in your opinion?

30 year old Male not taking any drugs
About 9 days ago I needed to go #2 but one of my roommates took way too long in the bathroom so I was forced to hold it in for a long while.
Ever since then when I go #2 I get the feeling that I’m not finished, but nothing comes out. At some points I’ve pushed very hard and felt like something is close to come out but I end up getting exhausted and still nothing comes out. My ribs are a bit sore from all the pushing I’ve done.
The first day I tried 3 capsules of colace but had no effect. The next day I took 3 dulcolax tabs but had little effect. I think 2 days later I used a suppository. It worked but very little. Stool came out but I still kept feeling like something is stuck. 2 more days later I drank an entire bottle of magnesium nitrate. Same as suppository it made me go with a lot of liquid coming out but still feeling like I’m not done.
Yesterday night I drank another bottle of magnesium citrate and this morning when I went #2 a lot came out. Sadly when I went again a few hours later I got the same feeling of not being done.
I don’t feel as bloated as I did the first few days but I’m starting to get slight discomfort/pain in my abdomen. Not too painful though like 2/10 and it’s not constantly there it comes and goes.
I’ve been drinking a lot of water, even hot water and have done a ton of sit ups to get things moving.
I’m not sure what else to do at this point I feel like I’m out of options. I don’t have health insurance so no primary care doctor.
Should I go to the ER? & If I do what should I expect?

I've been suffering from axillary HH for two decades. I have tried pretty much everything under the sun, and settled on botox that I've been getting every 3 months for a few years now. Botox has truly transformed my social life and for that I am eternally grateful. But even botox isn't perfect, while it does always work and brings undisputable improvements it has drawbacks too. It is expensive, painful, can only be done at doctor's office and no more often than once in three months (or so they told me). In my case sweating returns in anywhere from 1.5 to 3 months so sometimes I already sweat well before I can get more shots. Where I live iontophoresis devices are expensive (300-700 bucks) and hard to get your hands on. At the same time the HF wands that are advertised for greasy skin and acne are dirt cheap and sold on every corner (for 15 bucks or so). So I figured, what the hell, I'll just get one and try. Believe it or not, it has worked wonders on my armpits. I've been zapping my armpits for 5-10 minutes daily and the sweat reduction is close to that of botox. Maybe eventually my body will get used to it and efficacy will go down the drain but so far I am happy. It is cheap, you can do it yourself anytime and as much as you need and it seems to have no side effects whatsoever.

68 yo male pt. who has been on suboxone x 10 + years for chronic back pain. He wants to ramp down to Subutex. The only two PM clinics within 75 miles just shut down. I can continue to Rx for suboxone, but would love any advice or resources on how to carefully taper.
Edit: dose is currently 8mg/2mg three sublingual tablets daily. Pt states reason for cutting down to Subtex is he has upcoming spinal surgery and surgeon wants him on the subutex so he can give him more short acting pain medications which seems overly complicated, but I have no real life experience in this matter.

When I was 18 years old, a classmate spread nasty rumors about me. I'm turning 32 now and I'm still in pain from it while she's all smiles and sleeping soundly.
Before she spread rumors about me, we fought and talked and I thought thats the end of it. But she's actually a back fighter who made her moves at my back, even recruiting other people to hate me. Examples of her rumors:
I kissed a guy who isn't my boyfriend, I was in a relationship with my married professor and I'm showing my boobs to my male classmates. I'm a prostitute part time.
The rumors are so bad that I transferred schools because of it and she have the audacity to tell 'Kung Hindi naman totoo, bakit ka apektado?"
I got the shorter end of the rope since she is a born again youth pastor and she knows a lot of people to spread rumors about m while I'm a loner.
Sometimes, I feel stupid that I'm still bad at what she did.

Hey all, I recently have been seeing a lot of people across the internet on different websites promoting not fixing your pets and provided pseudo scientific reasons for it. A lot of the content feels like it is "researched" in the same way antivax content is. After seeing this, I thought sharing the story of how my childhood cat died could shed light on why you need to fix your pets. Sharing this I believe can also help me grieving him years later.
A lot of this content describes fixing your pet as being for human convenience rather than necessity for your pet to live a long, happy life. In some situations of course you shouldn't get your pet fixed. For instance, if they have a deformity that would make it pointless or dangerous.
It isn't for convenience sake. Trust me when I say that I don't get my own pets fixed because of convenience. I do it because I want to see them for their whole lives.
Our first cat we didn't get fixed for all of the usual excuses people give for it but his health wouldn't listen to those excuses. He would sneak out, roam the neighborhood, etc. until he found other male cats to fight with over a female. He would return with all fur on the top of his head gone, parts of his ear torn or cut, and sometimes an eye shut because it was scratched from him fighting males and impregnating other cats.
He lived to 4 years old before he was diagnosed with feline aids. His last month of life he was bedridden, unable to move, and any touch or petting hurt him from the disease. The disease slowly progressed from the start to the finish of that month. It got to a point that 3/4 of us wanted to make the decision to put him down but my little sister's want for him to live was enough that my parents disregarded his pain and my want for him to be put down. During the final day of his life, his breathing started to rattle and he dragged himself to the door constantly begging to go back outside. His breathing kept getting worse and it was obvious he was going to die since the rattles began that morning.
That night we decided to be kind to him and let him leave out the door and monitor him. After he was let outside we noticed that all he wanted to do was get as far from us as he could get so we wouldn't watch him die. He flopped himself off the front porch onto the grass and dragged himself using his two front paws under our car. We decided to leave him entirely so he wouldn't have to struggle to run away from us anymore as he wanted to go that way. He laid under that car until he perished hours later after. We couldn't put him down due to my little sister throwing a fit that putting him down was wrong because she loved him all the way until the end (I really hate that our parents didn't end his suffering to this day).
The sound of his failing lungs, my sister wailing to leave him alone, and the sight of his desperation to drag his corpse of a body has haunted me since. I will never have a pet that hasn't been fixed ever again.

Hello, I'm male, 33, 5' 10", 155 lbs, and caucasian. For two months I have had a persistent knot-like feeling in my lower abdomen. It's a feeling as if there is a stone lodged in my intestines, or as if there is a bunch of solid stool in my sigmoid colon that just won't drop into my rectum. The feeling comes from a particular location, about 2 inches below my belly button. Sometimes it's just a heavy, weighted feeling, and other times it feels like a sharp pinching.
My bowel habits have changed since this stone-feeling appeared. It's now much more difficult to pass gas, and I am bloated quite often. I also get abdominal twitches and cramping, but not painful.
This feeling is not something I've ever felt before, and so it has me worried about colon cancer. But, my stool has not been visibly bloody or changed in any way. However, after I poop, it feels that my bowels aren't fully empty.
Other factors that make me concerned it's colon cancer:

• I have cancer history (testicular, remission since 2015)
• For a period of time about ten years ago, I was eating a LOT of processed meat daily.
• My grandmother had colon cancer (later in life)
• I feel abnormally weak, although this weakness comes and goes in bouts.
• I have little appetite and have lost 5-7 lbs in a week.

My main question is, if it's not a colon tumor, then what would cause a specific, persistent feeling like this? Would diverticulitis or ulcerative colitis also feel like a heavy object in my colon?
I have an appointment with a gastroenterologist in three weeks. Should I ask for a colonoscopy, or an abdominal CT, or both?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Hello, me and my roomates have two cats, both males and both from the same litter. One of them is an orange tabby, the other is just a black cat. They are nice and healthy and coming up on their neutering pretty soon. for the last week or so, the black one has been very weirdly affectionate and attached to us. He just meows loudly around a lot and is more energetic than he ever was before. It’s a result of growing up? Or is he in pain of sorts? i’m sure I’m just really paranoid because I care for these cats so much but I didn’t know they can just completely flip a personality because the black one really wasn’t affectionate at all before. any help will be appreciated! 🙏🙏🙏