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I was just thinking today about how I was looking forward to middle school as a kid. Elementary school was so awfully boring, but I also didn't really have any real friends so that didn't help. Still though, the thing is that I spent a lot of time by myself and that involved watching a lot of TV. And I'm not from the US, I live in Europe, but the TV shows were all from the US. And they kinda gave me a really cool fantasy of what school was gonna be like after elementary school. And yeah I'm sure anyone reading this is gonna think that, well, of course it's not actually like on TV, TV is fiction. But trust me, this is gonna be way more disappointing than you think. But I mean, at least I wasn't bullied, most people just sorta left me alone instead, so I don't wanna act as if school must definitely be better in other places. It's just that, it was so boring.
Hmm where do I begin. Two things constantly said in these TV shows that left me confused, kids often talked about classes they take, consider taking and don't take. And kids often talked about "this person from my x class". This gave me the idea that, unlike in elementary school, I'd get to at least somewhat choose what classes I might wanna take. Not at all how it worked, at least not at the schools that were options for me at the time I went to middle school in the early 2000s, as far as I can tell. I say as far as I can tell cause it was never explained to me either, it was explained to my parents, so that they could maybe talk to me and figure what to do with me. Anyway, you either went to trade school, which was seen as a huge embarrassment to your parents cause you are an idiot that's probably not gonna do college, or for 7th and 8th grade you decide on one of two options; latin or modern languages. Both of those come with a certain set of classes, you can't not take any of them and you can't take any that don't come with it. My parents didn't put much thought in it, they were just told that since I did so well in elementary school I should go for latin, as that's what smart kids do. It doesn't come with many interesting classes to me, but to be honest neither did the other option. I would have much rather gone to trade school, which has a technical studies option too that would come in handy for college, but many people just didn't like having to say that their kid goes to the trade school. In fact, I had a few people in my group failing on purpose cause they told their parents they wanna go to trade school but were just not allowed, so they protested by failing. Anyway, the other thing that had me confused about that, all classes are taken with the same group. You're in a group of about 20 people, they all have the same classes cause you don't get to pick and choose, why not have them do every class together. I'm not sure if that's supposed to get the group to know each other better or something, but really the result is just that you really don't get to know so many people. If you don't like any in this group so much, well tough luck, everybody only hangs out with people of their own group. You weren't even allowed to sit with people from another group for lunch, they assigned you a seat at a table for your group. And you know, many of them are kinda the same. This school was just for those two options I mentioned anyway, which are for preparing kids to continue to college in the future, anybody wanting to do any trade or anything technical would be at a different school that focuses on those. Oh and also, not a single girl in our group, I didn't really care at the time but thinking back about it it does seem kinda weird to have years of middle school where all classes were boys only. Alright on to the next topic to pick. Hmm how about the whole thing with the activities at school they always have on TV. You know, clubs, sports, arts, dances, science fairs, even elections for something? Yeah I did totally wonder what my future school was gonna have. Which was nothing, in fact I went to three different schools from 7th to 12th grade and they all had nothing. It's just not a thing here I guess? There is not a single thing to do other than go to your set of classes that day and go back home. No special events of any kind either, just an occasional educational school trip. But certainly nothing that would make you meet any people with similar interests, or anything social at all really. Here's sorta how it works instead. You wanna do any of this, you sign up for it somewhere else and go there after school. Like my city did have a music school and a drawing school for example, so if you wanna go to a 2nd school on some days after going to your 1st school that day then you're free to do that. Of course it'll be with completely different people that you probably don't ever see anywhere else. I was in an unrelated sports team for example, we played a game on saturdays that is only attended by parents and practiced 2 hours after school one day in the week. And I never saw anyone on the team ever outside of those couple of hours per week. That's also one kinda problem with that isn't it, the kids learning music or drawing at those specific schools after their main schools probably got to show off the things they learned at times, but only fellow kids at those specific schools and their parents would ever know about it. They never get to show off the stuff they learned to kids at their main schools.
Here's a little short one for in between that is kinda odd, personal lockers. Nobody ever got their own locker, not at any of the three schools I went to. We just stuff all our crap in our backpack and bring it home. Then in the morning figure out what we need that day, and carry it all back to school in our backpack. In elementary school we had a desk at school with a little space for books, but from middle school you're not always in the same classroom so you get no desk with storage. Every classroom you go to you bring your heavy backpack with everything for that day in it.
This is getting really long already so here's my last one, the whole social groups and cliques thing full of stereotypes. Well, just having anything like that at all really. Because of the stuff I wrote earlier, but also some of the rules. Like I already said, you take every class with your group and sit at an assigned place with your group for lunch, you can't go find someone who likes the same stuff as you from outside your group. Except during one of the three breaks, two of those are 10 minutes and one is 30 minutes. During those, you can walk around outside and go talk to anyone you want. Of course they are all total strangers to you though as you have never seen them do anything anywhere, since there are no activities at school other than your classes. But here are some of the rules we had. No electronic devices, so you can't listen to or show anyone any music or play any videogames with anyone. I mean no phones either but almost all of those couldn't really do anything other than call and text at the time anyway. No 'distracting' hair, whether that is a weird style or having any part of it any color that does not appear natural in humans. No 'distracting' clothing either, but at least no uniforms. No tattoos or piercings of any kind, except earrings but one time an acceptable looking punk came in with a safety pin earring he did at home and that did not count as an allowed earring. Actually come to think of it, the punks were the only group. Everybody else just looked the same as everybody else. And these punks were just 4 people. We knew they were punks cause of their outfit, they pushed the boundaries of distracting. And sometimes too far, like with the safety pin. But they usually wore a flat cap, a denim jacket with a few punk patches and leather boots. Probably the coolest looking people at the school, mostly because I couldn't tell you what anyone else looked like now, I totally forgot everything except their face. Though I was also a bit of an exception. I was the guy with long hair. Not that anybody knew anything about me cause I didn't talk, but they did know me as the one guy in school with long hair. They couldn't really ban that as I don't think they could ban things for only one gender. But yeah, you only have the opportunity to talk to people not in your group during the short breaks, but how would you decide who to go talk to? You never talked to any of these kids, all you got is how they look, and they're barely allowed to change their look from anything default.
Alright I'm gonna end it here. I guess the conclusion is that if you make school as absolutely boring as possible then there is not gonna be as much trouble, I think that might have been the goal at least? Just come in, get your education that day, go home, no drama. Is that better? I wouldn't know, I haven't been to other schools of course. But I sure couldn't help but wish it had a little more going on like they did on TV.

Hi I’m 25 and for context I currently live in Maryland for 7 months now and have made no progress in my life here at all, I am debating going back to college for a medical career which is so funny for me to even think because I went to college for nursing and didn’t finish to become an esthetician and because of covid I left that field as well and haven’t been back until literally 2 weeks ago when I got a job to do lash extensions and have been disappointed since.
I honestly never thought that I wouldn’t be the person to not go to college and I think that because I got a license as an esthetician I didn’t really process how I really didn’t go to college I did a vocational education basically and lost my job because of covid and was so depressed about it I didn’t go back to it which was useless.
I still had hopes of becoming an esthetician again when I got this job as a lash tech to realize I have been out of the game in a long time and definitely draining on my body specially all the back pain, all that for not much reward since the other techs have told me that honestly they get paid very little specially when I told them where I used to live some lash techs could make up to 1,200-1,400 a week and here they were making half that I felt more discouraged because I already felt this wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore for a career.
I got desperate recently since the past couple of months I’ve been walking on a tight rope verging being fully broke every month and feeling like a bag of waste and that I wasted so much time of my life in a delusion that I was okay and in fact I am not which brought me to 2 hours ago scrolling career paths online and I found a posting for travel health agencies and the pay definitely caught my attention first but also the position, to think if I have continued my college degree and had been a nurse I could be in a different place that I am right now.
But not to dwell in the what if’s that I cannot change since I don’t currently life in a Si-fi movie with a best friend scientist that will create a time machine for me, I want good advice on what are my options and realistically what would be most beneficial for my future.
The path I was thinking of choosing is not very clear but I was very interested in some of the positions in the traveling agency’s I saw and looked into and some of them where physical therapy, Cath tech, and a CT technician where the only ones I had enough time to do research on but there seemed to be several others but they all still mean going back to school for probably at least 4 years.
I guess my biggest worry is not really going back to school but the financial, I currently tip toe the lines of having a 0 balance in by bank every month and some credit card debt that I used to pay for the vocational school (about 5k, I feel like when I say cc debt some people always think it’s over 10k so maybe not that bad), but I’m scared of doing school and working, rent, car, insurance, I already try to work a lot now even babysitting on my off time to make sure I’m always bringing some money in every day and I’m just scared of making a mistake and it costing me what I already don’t have.
I also don’t know if this is important but a reason that kept me from going back to school before is that I am married we are separated but not yet divorced and I couldn’t get financial aid anymore since I basically made too much money bc he was on the tax return.
That’s honestly all the information I could think of right now but can always say more for clarity and I’m just hoping for some guidance or advice on what to do, since I’m literally writing this after having a small mental breakdown and considering being a sugar baby (although I’m not sexy enough of that the idea went away really quickly lol). Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you.

This one has saught to dissolve it for years, but it is really continuous. Even it the higher, more free flowing states, it’s operating on subtle levels.
But it’s like dance, shifting and moving with every moment, as the resistance moves and varies in strength and intensity, it’s a beautiful dance of Life.
I now feels more willing and open to allowing resistance to be there.

Hello, I am wondering how this sounds for my Sap appeal. I am in good standing and above a 2.0, as of right now, I am kit eligible for fafsa, which is the reason why for my appeal. I would love any and all feedback. Thank you!
I am writing to appeal against the loss of my federal financial aid eligibility due to not meeting Satisfactory Academic Progress. (SAP) requirements and ask you to please restore my eligibility to receive all forms of federal aid. I regret that I have not been able to meet the Satisfactory Academic Progress ( SAP ) requirements. Should I not receive aid, I will not be able to continue my wonderful path here at the University of Texas at San Antonio. During my time of enrollment in a university at Texas A&M Corpus Christi, I had faced numerous challenges that put a delay on my growth and hindered me from reaching my goals of being an academically successful student. After taking a year off to be more proactive about my situation I am writing this letter in hopes of appealing my aid for SAP, which was revoked due to a failure to meet the completion rate. I understand the reason for the stopping of my aid, and I take full accountabilities for all events leading up to that point. I am writing this letter to express the importance in which I hold my education, as well as to outline the steps I plan on taking to ensure that I remain on the road to academic success and completion at University of Texas at San Antonio.
I went back to school in 2017 as an independent student. I faced many obstacles, and being the only person in my family that was able to enroll in college, I was determined to make something of myself and be successful by excelling in my studies, but I came into that college experience with a blind eye and did not utilize the campus resources to be a scholar, like I should had done. During my following semester in 2019, I had recently become pregnant with my son, and that was around the time that COVID-19 had happened. During that time, I was let go from my job due to the lockdown, which left me in a finical crisis, so I was unable to pay for my semester at the time. During the fall of 2020, I had just given birth to my son, so I was finding new self, and my new lifestyle, which had me switched my major multiple times, because I did not have passion for the previous majors that I had selected, so I dropped many courses as well. During the terms for the year 2022, I was still attending the Alamo Colleges out here, but I had recently found my passion in the tech field, I started to be on top of my courses and class work and was able to successfully 2 / 3 succeed during the following years. Once I got transferred to the University of Texas at San Antonio, I knew exactly what my passion was, and I was more than excited to start my growth academically and soar. In the begging of the spring semester, I had just recently bought my first house, so I was preoccupied with packing, and the whole process of buying your first home. I was overly overwhelmed with the moving process, raising my 3-year-old son, and working full time that I lost focused on one of my courses for the term. Since not passing that class, my life has done a complete 360, I decided to take the summer off to organize my house and get everything in order. Now that I have finished moving into my new house, I can fully stay focused and determined not to lose sight of my academics. Now that I am fully moved into my house, My parents help out with my son so that I can take 3 hours every day to study each of my courses, I organized my time to make sure that I will be attending at least 2 tutoring sessions a week, as well as utilizing the university resources to help gain more of an advance on my academics and make sure to meet with my professors and advisor at least twice each semester so I can make sure that I can stay caught up on my course work, and getting more assistance if I do feel lost. If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken a break after my first failed semester, as well truly knowing where my interest lies, so that I didn’t switch my major multiple times. I did not understand the impact of changing majors, and dropping courses that would influence not only my GPA, but also my completion rate for SAP. I also realize that I should’ve taken more of advantage of the student resources provided to me, by the colleges and universities. I also take full responsibility and accountability for the consequences of my actions.
What will be different if given the chance to receive aid again is that I am in a much better place than I have been in the past 5 years, and I will continue to always improve myself and never let my studies go. I will always stay focused during each term of the school year and will never let myself get lost or behind again. I will also commit to routine/ scheduled meetings with my academic advisor as well as professors, and tutoring aids that are available to help with each course. I have a tremendous amount of support from my loved ones who want to see me succeed and be the first one in my family to graduate from college / university. I am not only determined to make something better of myself for myself, but for my son. If I am given this extra chance at this opportunity, I can show my son how successful one can be with life going on, but also that if you don’t give up on your dreams, you can do anything you set your mind to. I am very disappointed in the person who I was in the past, but I am more than happy to say that that person is not me anymore. I have grown so much, and the old me would be so shocked that I even made it this far in life. I know that in life, things are always going to come up and hit you out of nowhere, but I have now realized that no matter what life throws at you, you just got to push through it and keep going, no matter how hard it is. I understand that this chance does not come around often but if you take this amazing chance on me, not only will I succeed and go far in life, but I will provide my son with a better life than I could ever imagine. If awarded this opportunity, I will do everything It takes to become successful and remain successful throughout the remainder of my academic career the University of Texas at San Antonio.
3 / 3 I plan on taking on more tutoring sessions at least twice a week with my professors. I will also take up more of the student resources that the university has to offer, as well as scheduling more appointments with my tutor. I will never drop any of the courses that I am registered for and going to take in the future. I will also never let myself not pass any of these courses. I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that not only will I pass every course that I am taking / and or will take, but I will also make sure that I stay determined and focused and seek out any help from my scholars with my academics.

The HRRFY.
It’s the horror movie festival where something genuinely fucked happens every year. And I mean every year.
Like, there are some screenings that unleash hordes of bats while the movie is playing. You're free to leave whenever you want, but the movie will still play for 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Other screenings hire actors to turn at you and scream at some point in the movie. You have no idea when, or how many times.
It's a festival where the word "illegal" can't even begin to describe what happens. You'd only attend if you were a young, stupid edgelord like me who was trying to prove he was hardcore to his friends.
Trust me. DO NOT GO.
You have nothing to prove to anyone. Don't be stupid.
Wait for the lamer film versions to come out streaming. That's what everyone else does. They're neutered edits but they're fine.
All they lack is the real gleaming thing everyone wants to see at HRRFY, but who cares. At least you don’t get traumatized. At least you’re not risking your life.
Anyway, if you really want to know what attending HRRFY is like. I’ll be quick and summarize the one screening I went to. It was the 20th anniversary, and I was lucky enough to get in.
***
I had signed up for the HRRFY mailing list, and joined the subreddit. Through a series of cryptic online emails I solved a sequence of riddles and was entered in the lottery for a HRRFY entry.
Lady Luck took a shine to me, because one day in my mailbox, I received a physical ticket. I had done it.
I was going.
The actual ‘ticket’ was a black USB key that announced the location of the festival the night before (which I won’t disclose here) and it did force me to pay for a very expensive flight in order for me to make it on time.
You see, to prevent getting shut down, the location of HRRFY changes every year. Some years the local police have managed to stop it, but for the most part, authorities have given up. What’s the point of arresting or charging anyone, if all the organizers and attendees actually want to be there?
Upon arrival, I had to pick between three participating theaters.
Based on title alone, I decided to go see “Many Drownings” (directed by Oleksander Gołański.) It was in the theater that was furthest away from the downtown core, which meant it was likely the one where the craziest shit was bound to happen.
That’s what I came here for right?
I lined up a solid two hours before the screening like everyone else. The entire line was jittering, just vibrating with excited twenty-somethings. Rumors flew left and right.
“I heard they’re going to force everyone to take acid.”
“I heard an actor’s gonna run in and shotgun the ceiling.”
“I heard they’re going to disappear like four more people this year. At this screening!”
Each year people disappeared. And each year the same people were ‘found.’ And yes this is the worst part, and why should never, ever, ever go to this event.
Again I will repeat myself. DO NOT GO.
No one has ever truly gone 'missing' at HRRFY in any legal or physical sense, because every missing person always shows up a day later, convinced that they are fine—refusing to elaborate further.
There are some small support groups for people who have family members who had gone to HRRFY, and came back irrevocably changed after being ‘found.’
These few unlucky people lose all semblance of personality. They don’t want interviews, or help, or therapy, or contact of any kind. And they never, ever want to talk about what they saw.
Some HRRFY fans think that these ‘found’ people were body-snatched. Cloned in a lab or replaced by a cyborg, or something stupid like that.
But I think there’s a far simpler explanation. The ‘found’ are still the same people. They're just terrified. They got shaken by something that shattered the foundation of their mind, body and soul. They got too scared.
They got HRRFY’d.
***
I should mention I had a cough the day I went. And I was worried my sickly appearance might give me trouble at the airport.
So I invested in an intense double N95 mask which I wore for the whole flight, and continued to wear even at the screening of “Many Drownings.”
It made my face hot and uncomfortable, but it still didn’t stop me from yelling “excuse me, excuse me!” as I ran to snag a seat in the back of the theater.
I always preferred sitting in the far back. You get a good view of the whole screen, and a good view of the whole audience.
Beside me sat a big dude named Sylvester, who apparently flew all the way from Australia to attend HRRFY.
“Worth the full Seventeen hours mate! It’s gonna be epic!” he dropped a massive camping backpack beside me, which I assume contained all of his luggage.
The lights dimmed, and the production company logos started to play.
The whispering, giggling and suspense all stacked upon each other to create an electric feeling in the air. I was giddy. It's like the entire audience was embarking on a massive roller coaster.
The anticipation was the best part for sure. It might have been the only good part.
Then the movie started.
It was a wide shot of a gray, stormy sea. The waves were massive, and the thunderclouds were looming. There was no land visible in any direction.
All we could hear was the sound of waves foaming, swirling, and crashing over and over. Lightning crackled. Rain poured. The camera held perfectly still over this storm as if it was mounted on a perfectly hovering drone. A drone so resilient that it didn’t waver at all.
I thought it had to be CGI.
The shot held like this for the next few moments. Everyone sat glued to their seats. Everyone was thinking the same thing.
What’s going to happen? How are they going to scare us?
People chuckled. People cheered. People wanted to tease whatever was going to happen—to happen already.
But nothing did.
Five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes went by without any change. People started snoring.
I looked beside me and saw that Sylvester—the most excited audience member of them all—had fallen totally asleep. The jet lag must’ve gotten to him.
Then I peered beyond the rest of the audience members and saw other people snoozing too. Heads were keeled over, some people were curled in their seats, some had even spilled out into the aisle and were dozing on the floor.
I looked above the bright screen, at the huge vents in the corner of the theater. I saw a faint white gas emerging from the vents.
Holy shit. What have we been breathing? I tightened the straps on my N95 mask, and made my breathing shallower.
The gas must have been pumping since the opening credits—because how else would an audience of two hundred people all fall asleep?
As I moved my hand through the air in front of me, I could sense the thickness. It was definitely hazier than usual. I took the scarf off my neck and wrapped it around my mouth as well.
Then I spotted movement in front of the screen.
It was a tall blonde man, wearing a black trenchcoat and military-grade gas mask. Beside him arrived six hazmat suits who started pointing at various audience members.
I slunk in my chair, pretending to sleep like everyone else.
Two hazmats walked over to the front row and picked out a sleeping guy in flannel. They lifted flannel up, under the armpits and by his ankles, carrying him between them both like a hammock.
The hazmats walked back up to the stage, where the blonde leader inspected the flannel man and tapped his head. Something was approved?
The hazmats began to swing flannel back and forth, as if they were getting ready to toss him. Despite their masks, I could hear a very muffled, very distant countdown.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“One…”
The flannel audience member was tossed into the screen.
I literally watched him fly into the image of stormy waves … andfallinto them. The flannel man sank into the gray water like a rock, leaving a few bubbles and foam. A wave came crashing down. All trace of him was gone.
What the fuck.
All six hazmats began grabbing more audience members with much more urgency. It became a minute-long process where they would pick the sleeping person up, bring them beside the screen, and then swing-toss them into it.
How was this possible?
I turned slightly to see if there was a projector above me, and realized there was none. Which meant maybe there was no screen on stage.
Which meant … maybe it was a portal?
I tried to wake Sylvester by shaking him. I pinched his leg and arm a bunch.
He was out cold.
The hazmats started grabbing audience members from the middle rows now. They were emptying the whole theater. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I waited until they grabbed another batch, only a few rows down from me. When all hazmats had their backs turned—I broke into a run.
With my left arm, I tightly gripped my mask and scarf against my face, while my right arm vaulted me over seat after seat.
I had never breathed so hard—through so much fabric—in my life.
The hazmats all turned to me. “Hey! Hey!” But their hands were full with their next victims.
I ran all the way down the aisle, to the big exit sign on the left. My heartbeat filled my head. My plan was to dropkick through the exit door.
I imagined myself breaking through like some flying gazelle.
I jumped.
I angled my kick.
It might as well have been a brick wall. I fell ass-first to the ground, followed by my head. Of course the door was locked.
Through a muffled mask I heard a sneering scoff.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Above me stood the one wearing a trenchcoat. I could see his piercing gray eyes through his gas mask.
I rolled aside and tried to run by him. He lifted a foot and tripped me without effort.
My forehead bashed into an empty seat. It dazed me.
The blonde leader bent down and grabbed me by the neck, tearing away my scarf and mask.
“No! No!”
A sweet, ether-like smell filled my nostrils. I did my best to hold my breath, but I could already feel myself getting light-headed.
The other hazmats joined in, grabbing me from all sides. Even if I had the strength to struggle, there was no escape now.
Above me, all I could see was the dark theater ceiling, and some of the light behind me from the cinema screen.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“No. Please. Don’t do thi—”
SPLASH.
I was plunged deep into cold, wet chaos. My head was completely underwater.
Gagging. Bubbles. Spinning.
I fought for dear life, dog-paddling like a maniac.
Churning. Freezing. Panic.
For a second, my head popped above the water. I inhaled all the air my lungs could muster. I stared across a vast, violent ocean.
An enormous thirty foot wave came in my direction.
My whole body lifted higher and higher as the wave approached. I did my best to tread water. It seemed to be working.
Then a series of smaller waves arrived and smacked my chest.
SPLASH.
Spinning. Kicking. Flipping.
My view alternated between the pitch dark ocean beneath me, and the moonlit night sky above.
Again I swam to the surface, popped my head out. Ravenously sucked in air.
There was a small lull in the water.
Around me I now registered the other theater goers. Most of them were lying face-down or sinking … but a few were flapping about like me, fighting for their life.
And above all of us, a floating white shape.
It was painfully bright, I had to lift one hand to look at it.
My jaw dropped.
It was the movie screen, hanging completely still in the air. It showed a dark, empty theater. The exact same theater we all occupied moments ago.
It was tremendously high, above all of our heads. There was no way of reaching it.
Then I saw another thirty foot wave come our way. It grazed the bottom of the screen.
I knew what had to be done.
***
One of the theater goers happened to be on a college swim team. She was the first one able to traverse one of the giant waves and climb into the screen.
Once she was up there, she found a firehose in the theater and reeled it out to us like a rope.
One by one, we swam as hard as we could, praying to God we could reach the rope. Everyone’s energy was sapped. Your body can only sustain itself on adrenaline and fear for so long.
By some miracle, five of us got out.
I was the last.
I climbed the rope coughing and vomiting. I had swallowed so much water that my stomach felt swollen.
When I reached the top and they pulled me into the screen, I sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying.
My life had flashed countless times before my eyes. In bubbling, suffocating visions, I saw both my parents and my brother. I saw my highschool graduation. I saw my favorite Christmas from when I was six years old.
I had almost lost all of that. I had lost almost everything.
On the dirty, carpeted theater floor, I lay with my face down, savoring the fact that I now lay on a hard surface. God bless ground. God bless this filthy, popcorn-strewn ground.
Beside me I heard bantering, hugging, the wringing of wet clothes. Sylvester was the second last to be saved, and he was particularly vocal.
“Wooooooaaaaahh!” He came and drummed me on the back, lifted me up. “Oh my god dude! Holy shit!”
I sat on my knees, wiping the tears and snot off my mouth.
Sylvester clapped his hands, held his face and screamed some more.
“Holy shit dude! That was so fucking scary! Like literally people were dying beside us. Like I SAW people die!”
I nodded, shivering in my drenched clothes. “ I know it was—”
“—That was craaaaazy!”
He laughed and stood up, patting everyone on the back. He kept clapping his hands like this was some sports event.
“That was sick! That was siiiiiiiiick!”
He ruffled someone’s hair then ran up to me with an open palm.
“High five dude! WE MADE IT! High five!
“Don’t leave me hangin’ dude!”

Looking to spend more time outdoors this summer? Why not catch some rays with Moncton Sport & Social Club? Find your paradise soaking up the sun with recess for adults, the magic of recreational sports, good times, and tan lines!
Availability remains in our hot summer lineup of Softball, Soccer, Beach Volleyball, Flag Football, and Ultimate Frisbee! Leagues are designed for adults 19+ with no skill required - just sweat, smiles, and a great way to meet new people in the community or keep active while beating the heat!
If recreational - strictly for fun - sports are something that you or anyone you know might enjoy, please feel free to sign them or yourself up as an individual player, group of friends, or full team at the link below by May 23, 2024, and please do not hesitate to shoot me a message if you have any questions!
https://moncton.sportandsocialclub.ca/
We look forward to continuing our efforts to create a better community for adults to live, play, work, and connect in 2024!

The HRRFY.
It’s the horror movie festival where something genuinely fucked happens every year. And I mean every year.
Like, there are some screenings that unleash hordes of bats while the movie is playing. You're free to leave whenever you want, but the movie will still play for 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Other screenings hire actors to turn at you and scream at some point in the movie. You have no idea when, or how many times.
It's a festival where the word "illegal" can't even begin to describe what happens. You'd only attend if you were a young, stupid edgelord like me who was trying to prove he was hardcore to his friends.
Trust me. DO NOT GO.
You have nothing to prove to anyone. Don't be stupid.
Wait for the lamer film versions to come out streaming. That's what everyone else does. They're neutered edits but they're fine.
All they lack is the real gleaming thing everyone wants to see at HRRFY, but who cares. At least you don’t get traumatized. At least you’re not risking your life.
Anyway, if you really want to know what attending HRRFY is like. I’ll be quick and summarize the one screening I went to. It was the 20th anniversary, and I was lucky enough to get in.
***
I had signed up for the HRRFY mailing list, and joined the subreddit. Through a series of cryptic online emails I solved a sequence of riddles and was entered in the lottery for a HRRFY entry.
Lady Luck took a shine to me, because one day in my mailbox, I received a physical ticket. I had done it.
I was going.
The actual ‘ticket’ was a black USB key that announced the location of the festival the night before (which I won’t disclose here) and it did force me to pay for a very expensive flight in order for me to make it on time.
You see, to prevent getting shut down, the location of HRRFY changes every year. Some years the local police have managed to stop it, but for the most part, authorities have given up. What’s the point of arresting or charging anyone, if all the organizers and attendees actually want to be there?
Upon arrival, I had to pick between three participating theaters.
Based on title alone, I decided to go see “Many Drownings” (directed by Oleksander Gołański.) It was in the theater that was furthest away from the downtown core, which meant it was likely the one where the craziest shit was bound to happen.
That’s what I came here for right?
I lined up a solid two hours before the screening like everyone else. The entire line was jittering, just vibrating with excited twenty-somethings. Rumors flew left and right.
“I heard they’re going to force everyone to take acid.”
“I heard an actor’s gonna run in and shotgun the ceiling.”
“I heard they’re going to disappear like four more people this year. At this screening!”
Each year people disappeared. And each year the same people were ‘found.’ And yes this is the worst part, and why should never, ever, ever go to this event.
Again I will repeat myself. DO NOT GO.
No one has ever truly gone 'missing' at HRRFY in any legal or physical sense, because every missing person always shows up a day later, convinced that they are fine—refusing to elaborate further.
There are some small support groups for people who have family members who had gone to HRRFY, and came back irrevocably changed after being ‘found.’
These few unlucky people lose all semblance of personality. They don’t want interviews, or help, or therapy, or contact of any kind. And they never, ever want to talk about what they saw.
Some HRRFY fans think that these ‘found’ people were body-snatched. Cloned in a lab or replaced by a cyborg, or something stupid like that.
But I think there’s a far simpler explanation. The ‘found’ are still the same people. They're just terrified. They got shaken by something that shattered the foundation of their mind, body and soul. They got too scared.
They got HRRFY’d.
***
I should mention I had a cough the day I went. And I was worried my sickly appearance might give me trouble at the airport.
So I invested in an intense double N95 mask which I wore for the whole flight, and continued to wear even at the screening of “Many Drownings.”
It made my face hot and uncomfortable, but it still didn’t stop me from yelling “excuse me, excuse me!” as I ran to snag a seat in the back of the theater.
I always preferred sitting in the far back. You get a good view of the whole screen, and a good view of the whole audience.
Beside me sat a big dude named Sylvester, who apparently flew all the way from Australia to attend HRRFY.
“Worth the full Seventeen hours mate! It’s gonna be epic!” he dropped a massive camping backpack beside me, which I assume contained all of his luggage.
The lights dimmed, and the production company logos started to play.
The whispering, giggling and suspense all stacked upon each other to create an electric feeling in the air. I was giddy. It's like the entire audience was embarking on a massive roller coaster.
The anticipation was the best part for sure. It might have been the only good part.
Then the movie started.
It was a wide shot of a gray, stormy sea. The waves were massive, and the thunderclouds were looming. There was no land visible in any direction.
All we could hear was the sound of waves foaming, swirling, and crashing over and over. Lightning crackled. Rain poured. The camera held perfectly still over this storm as if it was mounted on a perfectly hovering drone. A drone so resilient that it didn’t waver at all.
I thought it had to be CGI.
The shot held like this for the next few moments. Everyone sat glued to their seats. Everyone was thinking the same thing.
What’s going to happen? How are they going to scare us?
People chuckled. People cheered. People wanted to tease whatever was going to happen—to happen already.
But nothing did.
Five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes went by without any change. People started snoring.
I looked beside me and saw that Sylvester—the most excited audience member of them all—had fallen totally asleep. The jet lag must’ve gotten to him.
Then I peered beyond the rest of the audience members and saw other people snoozing too. Heads were keeled over, some people were curled in their seats, some had even spilled out into the aisle and were dozing on the floor.
I looked above the bright screen, at the huge vents in the corner of the theater. I saw a faint white gas emerging from the vents.
Holy shit. What have we been breathing? I tightened the straps on my N95 mask, and made my breathing shallower.
The gas must have been pumping since the opening credits—because how else would an audience of two hundred people all fall asleep?
As I moved my hand through the air in front of me, I could sense the thickness. It was definitely hazier than usual. I took the scarf off my neck and wrapped it around my mouth as well.
Then I spotted movement in front of the screen.
It was a tall blonde man, wearing a black trenchcoat and military-grade gas mask. Beside him arrived six hazmat suits who started pointing at various audience members.
I slunk in my chair, pretending to sleep like everyone else.
Two hazmats walked over to the front row and picked out a sleeping guy in flannel. They lifted flannel up, under the armpits and by his ankles, carrying him between them both like a hammock.
The hazmats walked back up to the stage, where the blonde leader inspected the flannel man and tapped his head. Something was approved?
The hazmats began to swing flannel back and forth, as if they were getting ready to toss him. Despite their masks, I could hear a very muffled, very distant countdown.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“One…”
The flannel audience member was tossed into the screen.
I literally watched him fly into the image of stormy waves … andfallinto them. The flannel man sank into the gray water like a rock, leaving a few bubbles and foam. A wave came crashing down. All trace of him was gone.
What the fuck.
All six hazmats began grabbing more audience members with much more urgency. It became a minute-long process where they would pick the sleeping person up, bring them beside the screen, and then swing-toss them into it.
How was this possible?
I turned slightly to see if there was a projector above me, and realized there was none. Which meant maybe there was no screen on stage.
Which meant … maybe it was a portal?
I tried to wake Sylvester by shaking him. I pinched his leg and arm a bunch.
He was out cold.
The hazmats started grabbing audience members from the middle rows now. They were emptying the whole theater. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I waited until they grabbed another batch, only a few rows down from me. When all hazmats had their backs turned—I broke into a run.
With my left arm, I tightly gripped my mask and scarf against my face, while my right arm vaulted me over seat after seat.
I had never breathed so hard—through so much fabric—in my life.
The hazmats all turned to me. “Hey! Hey!” But their hands were full with their next victims.
I ran all the way down the aisle, to the big exit sign on the left. My heartbeat filled my head. My plan was to dropkick through the exit door.
I imagined myself breaking through like some flying gazelle.
I jumped.
I angled my kick.
It might as well have been a brick wall. I fell ass-first to the ground, followed by my head. Of course the door was locked.
Through a muffled mask I heard a sneering scoff.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Above me stood the one wearing a trenchcoat. I could see his piercing gray eyes through his gas mask.
I rolled aside and tried to run by him. He lifted a foot and tripped me without effort.
My forehead bashed into an empty seat. It dazed me.
The blonde leader bent down and grabbed me by the neck, tearing away my scarf and mask.
“No! No!”
A sweet, ether-like smell filled my nostrils. I did my best to hold my breath, but I could already feel myself getting light-headed.
The other hazmats joined in, grabbing me from all sides. Even if I had the strength to struggle, there was no escape now.
Above me, all I could see was the dark theater ceiling, and some of the light behind me from the cinema screen.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“No. Please. Don’t do thi—”
SPLASH.
I was plunged deep into cold, wet chaos. My head was completely underwater.
Gagging. Bubbles. Spinning.
I fought for dear life, dog-paddling like a maniac.
Churning. Freezing. Panic.
For a second, my head popped above the water. I inhaled all the air my lungs could muster. I stared across a vast, violent ocean.
An enormous thirty foot wave came in my direction.
My whole body lifted higher and higher as the wave approached. I did my best to tread water. It seemed to be working.
Then a series of smaller waves arrived and smacked my chest.
SPLASH.
Spinning. Kicking. Flipping.
My view alternated between the pitch dark ocean beneath me, and the moonlit night sky above.
Again I swam to the surface, popped my head out. Ravenously sucked in air.
There was a small lull in the water.
Around me I now registered the other theater goers. Most of them were lying face-down or sinking … but a few were flapping about like me, fighting for their life.
And above all of us, a floating white shape.
It was painfully bright, I had to lift one hand to look at it.
My jaw dropped.
It was the movie screen, hanging completely still in the air. It showed a dark, empty theater. The exact same theater we all occupied moments ago.
It was tremendously high, above all of our heads. There was no way of reaching it.
Then I saw another thirty foot wave come our way. It grazed the bottom of the screen.
I knew what had to be done.
***
One of the theater goers happened to be on a college swim team. She was the first one able to traverse one of the giant waves and climb into the screen.
Once she was up there, she found a firehose in the theater and reeled it out to us like a rope.
One by one, we swam as hard as we could, praying to God we could reach the rope. Everyone’s energy was sapped. Your body can only sustain itself on adrenaline and fear for so long.
By some miracle, five of us got out.
I was the last.
I climbed the rope coughing and vomiting. I had swallowed so much water that my stomach felt swollen.
When I reached the top and they pulled me into the screen, I sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying.
My life had flashed countless times before my eyes. In bubbling, suffocating visions, I saw both my parents and my brother. I saw my highschool graduation. I saw my favorite Christmas from when I was six years old.
I had almost lost all of that. I had lost almost everything.
On the dirty, carpeted theater floor, I lay with my face down, savoring the fact that I now lay on a hard surface. God bless ground. God bless this filthy, popcorn-strewn ground.
Beside me I heard bantering, hugging, the wringing of wet clothes. Sylvester was the second last to be saved, and he was particularly vocal.
“Wooooooaaaaahh!” He came and drummed me on the back, lifted me up. “Oh my god dude! Holy shit!”
I sat on my knees, wiping the tears and snot off my mouth.
Sylvester clapped his hands, held his face and screamed some more.
“Holy shit dude! That was so fucking scary! Like literally people were dying beside us. Like I SAW people die!”
I nodded, shivering in my drenched clothes. “ I know it was—”
“—That was craaaaazy!”
He laughed and stood up, patting everyone on the back. He kept clapping his hands like this was some sports event.
“That was sick! That was siiiiiiiiick!”
He ruffled someone’s hair then ran up to me with an open palm.
“High five dude! WE MADE IT! High five!
“Don’t leave me hangin’ dude!”

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

TL;DR Load/Unload are both grayed out in Studio and the app while paused during printing, so I can't swap out a tangled roll for a good one mid-print. Any suggestions to get switched over manually?
So I noticed that the spool my AMS swapped to mid-print when another ran out is kind of tangled; the line is running to the side and down under the majority of the spool, so the filament isn't knotted but it does require a bit of a pull to unspool. I left it, figuring the AMS would resolve it on its own, but soon after got a notification that the filament failed to load into the toolhead. Sure enough, the filament had kinked a bit and I trimmed the bent bit, made sure it wasn't tangled (or so I thought) and reloaded it. It pulled fine for a bit and printing resumed.
Of course, it kinked again. I can continue the print just fine, as long as I keep an eye on it and manually roll the spool back a bit to let the free end of the filament come out. It's still got a few hours on it and I'd rather not have to check in every 15 minutes if I can avoid it. However, the Load/Unload buttons in both the desktop and mobile app are grayed out, and it displays 'the printer is busy, try again later'. I have another roll of the same colour loaded into another slot, no tangles, but I can't have the AMS unload it, and it won't even update the slot as being pull, presumably due to being busy.
Do I just have to baby the spool for now and learn the lesson to vet my spools for tangles better, or is there some way I can chop the bad roll and manually feed in the 2nd, good roll?
Appreciate any advice, I am very new to FDM in general and trying my best to learn, coming from a background of resin printing.

The history of tarot is a fascinating journey that spans centuries and traverses various cultures. The origins of tarot cards can be traced back to 15th-century Italy, where they emerged as playing cards. The initial purpose of these decks was purely recreational, serving as a game known as "tarocchi" or "triumphi."

Early Playing Cards (15th Century):
- Origin: Tarot cards likely originated in northern Italy in the early 15th century. The oldest surviving complete deck is the "Visconti-Sforza" deck, dating back to the 1440s.
- Function: Originally used for games, tarot decks were adorned with symbolic imagery, including allegorical illustrations and trump cards.
Tarot in France (Late 15th Century):
- Migration: Tarot cards crossed into France in the late 15th century, and the game evolved with the addition of the 22 trump cards, known as the Major Arcana.
- Symbolism: The Major Arcana introduced iconic characters and archetypal symbols, enhancing the cards' allegorical significance.
Occult Associations (18th Century):
- Esoteric Interest: In the 18th century, interest in the occult and mystical arts surged in Europe. Tarot cards gained esoteric significance, with scholars attributing hidden meanings to the cards beyond their gaming purpose.
- Etteilla: The French occultist Etteilla published influential tarot interpretations, contributing to the transformation of tarot into a tool for divination and self-discovery.
The Rider-Waite-Smith Deck (Early 20th Century):
- Revolutionary Design: In 1909, A.E. Waite and Pamela Colman Smith collaborated on the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, featuring vivid illustrations and intricate symbolism. This deck became immensely popular and served as the foundation for many modern tarot decks.
- Divinatory Focus: The Rider-Waite-Smith deck emphasized the mystical and divinatory aspects of tarot, influencing the widespread adoption of tarot for spiritual and introspective purposes.
Tarot in the New Age Movement (20th Century Onward):
- Popularization: The mid-20th century witnessed a surge in interest in mysticism, the occult, and alternative spiritual practices. Tarot cards gained popularity within the New Age movement, becoming a tool for self-reflection, divination, and personal growth.
- Diverse Decks: The latter half of the 20th century saw the creation of diverse tarot decks, each with unique themes and interpretations, catering to different spiritual traditions and personal preferences.
Modern Tarot Practices (21st Century):
- Global Appeal: Tarot has transcended cultural boundaries and gained a global following. The internet has played a significant role in disseminating tarot knowledge, making it accessible to a diverse audience.
- Integration with Psychology: Many practitioners view tarot through a psychological lens, using the cards as a tool for introspection, therapy, and personal development.

The historical evolution of tarot reflects its transformation from a simple deck of playing cards to a versatile tool for divination, self-exploration, and spiritual guidance. Today, tarot continues to captivate individuals worldwide, offering a unique blend of ancient symbolism and contemporary relevance.

Diverse Tarot Systems and Cultural Influences:
- Cultural Adaptations: Tarot has adapted to various cultural contexts, leading to the creation of decks that draw inspiration from different mythologies, traditions, and artistic styles.
- Themed Decks: Modern tarot enthusiasts can explore decks inspired by Norse mythology, Celtic traditions, Eastern philosophies, and more, allowing for a rich diversity of interpretations and connections.
Tarot and Popular Culture:
- Media Exposure: Tarot has found its way into mainstream media, with references in literature, movies, and television series. This exposure has contributed to its widespread recognition and acceptance.
- Creative Interpretations: Popular culture has inspired artists and creators to produce tarot decks with themes ranging from fantasy and science fiction to contemporary pop culture references, showcasing the adaptability of tarot symbolism.
Tarot in Digital Age:
- Online Platforms: The digital age has transformed tarot readings, making them accessible through online platforms and mobile apps. Virtual tarot readings and communities provide a global forum for discussion and learning.
- Digital Decks: Tarot decks are now available in digital formats, enabling users to explore and engage with the cards through virtual platforms, expanding the reach of tarot practices.
Tarot as a Personalized Tool:
- Self-Expression: Many individuals now create their own tarot decks, infusing personal symbols, experiences, and artistic styles into the cards. This personalized approach enhances the connection between the user and the cards.
- Intuitive Reading: Modern tarot practices often emphasize intuitive reading, encouraging users to trust their instincts and personal interpretations rather than relying strictly on traditional meanings.
Scientific and Skeptical Perspectives:
- Psychology and Tarot: Some psychologists view tarot as a projective tool that can tap into the unconscious mind, offering insights into one's thoughts and emotions.
- Skepticism and Tarot: Skeptics often approach tarot from a psychological or statistical standpoint, exploring the phenomenon through the lens of cognitive biases and the placebo effect.
Tarot Communities and Education:
- Learning Resources: The availability of books, online courses, and workshops has contributed to the education and skill development of tarot practitioners. This has empowered individuals to deepen their understanding of tarot symbolism and interpretation.
- Community Engagement: Tarot communities, both online and offline, provide platforms for sharing experiences, seeking guidance, and fostering a sense of community among practitioners.

As tarot continues to evolve, its rich history merges with contemporary influences, shaping a dynamic and diverse landscape. Whether embraced for spiritual guidance, artistic expression, or personal insight, tarot remains a versatile and enduring tool that resonates with individuals on their unique journeys of self-discovery.

Tarot Ethics and Professionalization:
- Code of Ethics: In modern tarot practices, professional readers often adhere to ethical guidelines. These guidelines emphasize confidentiality, client empowerment, and responsible use of divination tools.
- Certification and Training: Some tarot practitioners pursue formal training and certification programs to enhance their skills and professionalism, contributing to the recognition of tarot reading as a legitimate and ethical practice.
Scientific Research on Tarot:
- Psychological Studies: While scientific research on tarot is limited, some studies explore the psychological aspects of tarot reading. Research has investigated how individuals interpret symbols, engage in reflective thinking, and experience a sense of empowerment through tarot readings.
- Cognitive Science Perspectives: Tarot's intersection with cognitive science has led to examinations of how the mind processes symbolic information and the impact of belief systems on perception.
Tarot and Intersectionality:
- Inclusivity: Tarot communities increasingly emphasize inclusivity, recognizing the importance of diverse perspectives, cultures, and identities. Decks that reflect a broader range of experiences and backgrounds contribute to a more inclusive tarot landscape.
- Intersectional Readings: Practitioners may integrate intersectionality into their readings, acknowledging the complexity of individual identities and experiences within a broader social context.
Tarot's Influence on Art and Literature:
- Literary Works: Tarot symbolism has inspired numerous works of literature, poetry, and art. Authors and artists often incorporate tarot themes to explore psychological, spiritual, and philosophical concepts.
- Tarot in Visual Arts: Tarot continues to be a muse for visual artists, with contemporary artworks reimagining and interpreting the traditional tarot archetypes in new and innovative ways.
Tarot and Holistic Wellness:
- Mind-Body-Spirit Connection: Tarot is increasingly integrated into holistic wellness practices that emphasize the interconnectedness of mind, body, and spirit. It complements approaches like meditation, mindfulness, and energy healing.
- Wellness Retreats and Workshops: Wellness retreats and workshops may incorporate tarot as a tool for self-reflection, personal growth, and stress reduction, aligning with the broader holistic wellness movement.
Tarot and Technology Integration:
- Mobile Apps and Online Platforms: Technology has facilitated the accessibility of tarot through mobile apps and online platforms, offering virtual readings, digital decks, and interactive tarot experiences.
- Augmented Reality and Virtual Reality: Emerging technologies like augmented reality (AR) and virtual reality (VR) have the potential to transform tarot experiences, providing immersive and interactive readings.

The ongoing evolution of tarot reflects its adaptability to societal changes, technological advancements, and a growing understanding of its psychological and symbolic dimensions. As it continues to weave through various aspects of contemporary life, tarot remains a dynamic and versatile tool with enduring relevance.

Tarot and Social Media:
- Online Communities: Social media platforms, such as Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube, have become hubs for tarot enthusiasts. Tarot readers share daily card pulls, interpretations, and create educational content, fostering a vibrant online community.
- Global Connections: Social media has facilitated global connections among tarot practitioners, allowing for the exchange of diverse perspectives, interpretations, and deck recommendations.
Tarot in Mental Health Practices:
- Therapeutic Applications: Some mental health professionals incorporate tarot into therapeutic practices, using it as a tool for self-reflection, exploration of emotions, and promoting therapeutic dialogue.
- Mindfulness and Coping: Tarot readings can be used as a mindfulness practice, helping individuals cultivate self-awareness and coping strategies for managing stress, anxiety, and mental health challenges.
Tarot's Evolving Symbolism:
- Living Symbolism: Tarot symbolism is not static; it evolves over time. Modern tarot decks often reinterpret traditional symbols to reflect contemporary values, ensuring that the cards remain relevant and resonant with current cultural contexts.
- Innovative Decks: Artists continue to create innovative tarot decks that explore diverse themes, introducing new symbols and archetypes that speak to a wide range of experiences.
Tarot and Ritual Practices:
- Ritualistic Use: Tarot is incorporated into various ritual practices, from simple daily card pulls to more elaborate ceremonies. These rituals can serve as a form of meditation, intention-setting, or connection with spiritual energies.
- Seasonal Celebrations: Some practitioners align tarot practices with seasonal changes, using specific spreads or decks to explore themes associated with the solstices, equinoxes, and other significant astrological events.
Tarot and Gender Representation:
- Expanding Archetypes: Modern tarot decks often challenge traditional gender roles and expand archetypal representations. Decks may feature diverse gender identities and expressions, offering a more inclusive and fluid understanding of the archetypal energies within the cards.
- Feminist Tarot: Some decks explicitly adopt feminist perspectives, reimagining traditional tarot symbolism to empower and celebrate the diverse experiences of individuals across the gender spectrum.
Tarot as Literary Inspiration:
- Literary Works and Tarot: Tarot continues to inspire literary works, with novels, poems, and plays incorporating tarot themes and archetypes. Authors explore the psychological and symbolic depths of tarot, infusing their narratives with mystical and esoteric elements.
- Narrative Exploration: Tarot's narrative potential serves as a source of inspiration for storytellers, offering a structure that mirrors the hero's journey or provides a framework for exploring characters' internal and external conflicts.

The dynamic interplay between tarot and contemporary culture reveals its enduring appeal and adaptability. From social media platforms to therapeutic practices, tarot remains a versatile tool that resonates with individuals seeking insight, connection, and personal growth in an ever-changing world.
In conclusion, the history and evolution of tarot reflect its remarkable journey from humble playing cards to a multifaceted tool deeply embedded in modern culture. As tarot continues to weave its way through diverse aspects of society, from online communities to therapeutic practices, its enduring relevance lies in its adaptability, symbolism, and capacity to inspire self-discovery.
From the mysterious origins of the 15th century to its current role as a global phenomenon, tarot has transcended cultural and historical boundaries. As it integrates with technology, influences art and literature, and finds new applications in mental health and wellness, tarot remains a dynamic force that resonates with those seeking spiritual insights, artistic expression, and personal transformation.
Whether approached through a psychological lens, as a form of self-reflection, or as part of broader cultural movements, tarot's journey reflects the human quest for meaning, connection, and the exploration of the inner self. Its rich tapestry of symbolism continues to captivate individuals across the globe, making tarot a timeless and ever-evolving companion on the diverse paths of human experience.

In the beginning of May I switched my home from AT&T Fiber to GFiber. After two weeks of good service, my internet went out Saturday. I was able to get a tech to come out Sunday morning who concluded that my home is experiencing a low light issue as a result of a cable being impacted. The tech appropriately escalated the situation for the construction team to fix the issue. I have spent the last three days contacting GFiber to try and get them to send their contractors out, and I’m only met with empty promises without any actual effort by the construction team to do their job. I have been so annoying that I’ve gotten a manager to reach out and provide me with a free month of internet because of the delay, along with a phone number that puts me in contact with their supervisor team. (Turns out they don’t even answer this phone or the voicemails lol)
This is so frustrating and I have no idea what to do other than continually bothering their customer service people every two hours to try and get more information about why my internet is not being fixed. I’m going to be forced to return to AT&T soon, which is a real bummer but at least I’ll have internet again. Is there anything that I should be doing differently? How in the hell does GFiber allow their contractors to behave this way? (Sorry for the reddit rant, I don’t know what else to do)

Mental Health:

1. Trans Lifeline • [translifeline.org](https://translifeline.org) • A peer support hotline run by and for trans people. Call for support or resources. 2. The Trevor Project • [thetrevorproject](https://thetrevorproject.org).org • Crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTQ youth, including chat and text support. 3. National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) • [transequality.org](https://transequality.org) • Offers resources and information on mental health, rights, and advocacy. 4. LGBT National Help Center • [glbthotline.org](https://glbthotline.org) • Provides free and confidential phone and internet peer-counseling for LGBTQ individuals.

Wellness:

1. Gender Spectrum • [genderspectrum.org](https://genderspectrum.org) • Resources and support for gender-diverse youth and their families. 2. PFLAG • [pflag.org](https://pflag.org) • Provides support, education, and advocacy for LGBTQ individuals and their families. 3. Human Rights Campaign (HRC) • [hrc.org] (https://hrc.org) • Offers a range of resources on health and wellness for the trans community. 4. It Gets Better Project • [itgetsbetter.org](https://itgetsbetter.org) • Shares stories and provides resources to LGBTQ youth to inspire hope and provide support.

Mindfulness and Self-Care:

1. Calm App • [calm.com] (https://calm.com) • Offers guided meditations, sleep stories, and mindfulness exercises. 2. Headspace App • [headspace.com] (https://headspace.com) • Provides meditation and mindfulness practices for stress relief and mental well-being. 3. Insight Timer • [insighttimer.com](https://insighttimer.com) • Free meditation app with a large library of guided meditations and mindfulness exercises.

Taking care of your mental health and wellness is crucial. These resources are here to support you whenever you need them. Feel free to explore them and share with others who might benefit.
Please add any additional resources you find helpful in the comments below. Let’s work together to build a comprehensive list that can support our community. Let’s

Good evening Healthcare_anon members
I believe we are at the midpoint of the multi series DD on the paper:
Rooke-Ley H, Brown E, Grumbach K, Hoffman A, Ryan A, Roy V, Grogan C, Appelbaum E, Lipschutz D. Medicare Advantage and Vertical Consolidation in Health Care. American Economic Liberties Project, April 2024. Available: https://www.economicliberties.us/our-work/medicare-advantage-and-vertical-consolidation-in-health-care/#, accessed 05/19/24 (for this subreddit post).
Today's discussion will be centered around page 23-31. I will be collaborating with u/ Fabulous-airport-273 on the remainder of the paper, as I believe we should address the topic in a collaborative fashion after this midpoint. If you like, you may review the previous DD in the following links:
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1culz57/medicare_advantage_capitation_model_prio
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cw50xp/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cwsavi/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
I was thinking on also discussing Aetna and Humana within the model as well, however in the interest of time and effort, I may have to revisit those 2 creatures at a later time - not because they are particularly difficult, but that it would be a similar rehash of UNH and BHG. The minutiae of improper population model care and investment made by CVS/Aetna and Humana is in my personal belief the reason why their MCR exploded, and perhaps inadequate preparation for CMS V28 blend adjustment also played a role. Even though CVS/Aetna has an adequate service sector, Humana does not, and we may see further margin divergence of these 2 behemoths.
Without further digression, let us begin:
Vertical consolidation - what is currently happening
"Consolidation allows these vertical conglomerates to use capitated payment structures in ways that drive profits without creating value. As noted above, corporate consolidation in health care has existed for decades, largely driven by hospitals. The primary result: hospitals can negotiate higher prices in the commercial market, cut labor costs and demand more of clinicians, and exploit various loopholes in the fee-for-service Medicare system. In addition, private equity (PE) rollups in health care have risen dramatically over the decades, also exploiting fee-for-service reimbursement and threatening patient care."
We have certainly seen the damage from PE acquisition on practices, especially in emergency medicine, which I previously alluded to in: https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1c0bi4u/the_healthcare_workforce_staffing_crisis_a/. The damage to physician morale is especially acute during this consolidation process.
We are also seeing widespread practice buyouts in the PCP arena now:
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/08/health/primary-care-doctors-consolidation.html
https://www.beckersasc.com/asc-transactions-and-valuation-issues/optum-s-multibillion-dollar-acquisition-spree-3-deals-to-know.html
https://www.hcinnovationgroup.com/finance-revenue-cycle/mergers-acquisitions/news/55000097/steward-health-care-plans-to-sell-physician-network-to-optum
https://radiologybusiness.com/topics/healthcare-management/healthcare-economics/unitedhealth-earns-emergency-order-buy-radiology-provider-placed-crisis-due-change-cyberattack
The last one from Corvallis is a particularly spicy acquisition - the change healthcare cyberattack created a cash flow crunch within Corvallis, creating the impetus for Corvallis to then sell itself to Optum. If I were to use cruder terminology, the analogy is this: Optum/Change groomed Corvallis to be dependent on its "service", and once Corvallis is dependent on Optum/Change, Optum/Change then "convinced" Corvallis that Corvallis needs to sell its body (clinics) to Optum for the couple to stay together after Optum/Change failed in its basic "pimp" duty on protecting the groomed subject. Absolutely disgusting analogy, and I hope it brings the message across - what Optum did was absolutely abhorrent and should have paid Corvallis interest and damages, but instead gets to steal the Damsel-in-distress. Who said pimping doesn't pay?
"Today, as policy moves away from fee-for-service, analogous patterns of corporate consolidation are emerging under capitation-based financing. While vertical conglomerates promise clinical integration, familiar harms are emerging, such as the push toward “productivity” medicine and the replacement or supplementation of physicians with less expensive advanced practice providers."
Ok, I am not sure if that last part was absolutely necessary. Advanced Practice Providers (APP) are Physician Assistants (PA), Advanced Nurse Practitioners (APRN), or in the case of Anesthesia, CRNA (Certified Nurse Anesthetist) who work under a supervision of an overall Medical Doctor (MD) for the practice. In the current labor shortage, there are not enough physicians to make up for lack of physician help. I would rather work with our APP colleagues on creating a more equitable platform, and this paper is not helping the cause in this manner. Vertical integration can bring plenty of harm, but having APP being part of the Team is NOT a problem. In fact, I have worked with many APP who are wonderful healthcare colleagues and we all want the same thing: equitable treatment of our patients in the most humane, effective, and medically appropriate way possible.
I. Gaming capitated benchmarks:
"Vertical conglomerates in capitation-based models are keen on controlling primary care physicians, who are essential for inflating risk-adjustment payments and quality bonuses. In MA alone, gaming of risk adjustment is responsible for at least $23 billion in annual overpayments to insurers, while quality payments amount to another $10 billion in subsidization without demonstrated value. In addition to increasing costs, the preoccupation with risk-coding and box-checking wastes scarce time with patients and contributes to dissatisfaction among clinicians."
Remember my CMS DD a month ago? If not, I will submit those links again:
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1c1n3tf/cms_finalizes_payment_updates_for_2025_medicare/
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1c1yg8q/cms_finalizes_payment_updates_for_2025_medicare/
We on the field AND CMS knows this is happening. In fact, CMS is attempting to stop this practice by the rollout of CMS V28 AND the April 1 2024 Contract Year 2025 Medicare Advantage and Part D Final Rule (CMS-4205-F). What CMS is attempting to do is to decrease the capitated payments on risk adjustment and quality bonus payments to elongate the Medicare Trust Fund depletion runway, which hopefully also will force the MA companies to take care of patients. As was seen in our 24Q1 DD, companies will instead retrench, retreat, and cut benefits instead. this indicate a potential market failure of the capitated model payment. We should readdress this point in a future post.
***"***The centrality of data in diagnosis coding puts vertical conglomerates in the driver’s seat. It helps contextualize UnitedHealth’s recent $13 billion acquisition of Change Healthcare, the nation’s largest billing clearinghouse, which, according to the Department of Justice, would give UnitedHealth a near monopoly (94% market share) over the clearinghouse market. Through the prism of risk coding, as well as other financial strategies discussed below, the business case was obvious: acquiring Change gives UnitedHealth visibility into the claims, diagnosis codes, and provider IDs of tens of millions of patients"
With the Change Cyberattack in February 2024, UNH unleashed the biggest cybersecurity threat on our patients' medical history in this nation's history, all because someone forgot 2 factor authentication on a whole server worth of data. Good job United. We thank you for proving the ineptitude of private enterprises. We no longer get to just make fun of the National Health System in UK for ineptitude, or that only government agencies suck, but a private enterprise that is a small nation state with a profit margin higher than the NSA's yearly budget can't figure out 2FA.
***"***As with risk adjustment, vertical conglomerates can inflate quality scores with greater control of clinicians. They can, for example, game medication adherence quality measures by pushing providers to put their patients on 90-day refills, mail-order prescriptions, and automatic refills, even if patients never take the medications. Similarly, they can discourage or prohibit clinicians from giving samples to patients and allowing them to use lower- cost alternatives. Further, Star Ratings and other quality programs require significant administrative efforts, placing small practices at a disadvantage."
I do take exception to the samples argument. Look, we just got out of the VERY SHADY stuff happening in the 90s with MD offices taking a HUGE backhand deal when giving out samples, I don't really want to see that stuff back in vogue again. Do you know how frustrating it was for a patient to say they are on a med that is from their doctor's office, they got it for free, and they must have it as an inpatient, when they don't even have it on the medication fill list or on the electronic medical record database? Who do I trust?
II. PATIENT STEERING AND “CAPTIVE” REVENUE:
This section is the reason why I did UNH and BHG as a DD - to pave the way for the discussion on this section. If you haven't read it, please see:
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cw50xp/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cwsavi/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
"UnitedHealth is increasingly relying on this captive revenue—or “intercompany eliminations”—with its growth of its provider subsidiary, Optum. UnitedHealth has increased intercompany eliminations by over 80% in five years, reaching $108 billion in 2022. It now sends over 25% of its medical claim revenue to its own subsidiaries. Its market presence shows why: UnitedHealth exists in 87% of insurance markets, only rivaled by Humana at 90%. 130 Further, UnitedHealth has over 50% share in more than 140 MA markets."
OK even though this paper is quoting another paper, my 10K/10Q analysis does match what this paper said, except it isn't 25%. Its 37.7% now. WHOA!
"These captive revenue strategies enable regulatory arbitrage. Medical Loss Ratios (MLRs) were established in the Affordable Care Act to cap insurance administrative costs and profits and to ensure that a minimum percentage of capitation payments and private insurance premiums were spent on medical care. However, insurance companies can circumvent this regulation by paying themselves, directing above-market payments and end-of-year bonuses to their own sister subsidiaries. This is referred to as “transfer pricing” and has been best documented with PBMs. For example, UnitedHealth can evade the MLR requirement by paying higher-than-cost fees to its Optum PBM, booking that fee as a medical cost. The same is possible with medical providers: insurers can increase fees to their sister primary care or post-acute providers to conceal profits as costs and to therefore evade the MLR constraint."
Is this how UNH continues to have high profits, and how the impact of CMS V28 somehow did not threaten UNH and Elevance the same way as Humana and CVS/Aetna? I think they may be onto something...
"In addition to increasing profits, steering squeezes independent providers and other competitors. In the prescription drug space, the gaming of medication adherence, explained above, diverts business away from unaffiliated pharmacies while gaming quality metrics. As another example, vertical conglomerates that own PBMs can devise formularies and copays that funnel patients to their own pharmacies, squeezing independent pharmacies. The proliferation of “specialty” pharmacies embeds these anti-competitive practices.".
Personal anecdote: I know of independent pharmacies who CANNOT compete anymore due to high PBM requirements, "clawback" penalties, quality metrics that is impossible to achieve, and "out of network" processing fees, that these pharmacies either have to be shut down, or acquired. "Specialty Pharmacies" are basically pharmacies who carry high dollar cost items that may have more stringent FDA counseling requirements, but because now the Marketplace is littered with PBM funnels, most independent pharmacies cannot "enter the foot in the door" of the PBM requirements. Guess who does though? Optum Rx!
"Vertical consolidation in the post-acute setting presents similar steering risks. MA insurers have increasingly been under scrutiny for limiting or denying care through narrow networks, “ghost networks,” and onerous prior authorization. Recent reporting revealed that UnitedHealth and Humana are using artificial intelligence with their conveners, specifically NaviHealth, to drive “clinical” prior authorization decisions and override clinical judgment."
I think I've beaten this dead horse many times already.
"Another way to steer patients in post-acute care is to effectively bring the prior authorization function “in house.” By directly employing physicians, the risk-bearing entity can cut costs by prohibiting or discouraging clinicians from authorizing expensive care. In a 2020 whistleblower lawsuit reported by The Prospect, Maxwell Ollivant, a UnitedHealth-employed nurse practitioner in a nursing home, alleged that his supervisor denied requests to transfer UnitedHealth-MA patients with exacerbations to the hospital. This, Ollivant alleged, was consistent with UnitedHealth’s compensation structure, which gave bonuses to their clinicians who kept patients in the nursing home and out of the hospitals."
Well holy shit Batman, that is more degenerate than a WSB 0-5DTE put taken on a Thursday afternoon.
III. PATIENT “FLIPPING” AND ENROLLMENT ARBITRAGE
" In MA, favorable selection is responsible for another 11%-14% of overspending, or as much as $56 billion annually. Selecting enrollees also allows insurers in MA to game county benchmark bonuses, which excessively rewards insurers with patients in areas of low Medicare spending, to the tune of another roughly $10 billion in excess MA payments. As vertical conglomerates increasingly own physicians and operate in ACOs, similar risks of selection may arise."
CMS is acutely aware of this gaming, however their model hasn't exactly been able to pinpoint how to address this yet. This was discussed in the CMS Final rule comments section.
"More direct than marketing, provider acquisitions allow conglomerates to “flip” patients into MA plans or ACOs by coordinating efforts with sister provider subsidiaries. Conglomerates can initiate the flipping strategy by using some of the steering tactics discussed above. In a recent lawsuit, UnitedHealth was accused of terminating contracts with unaffiliated physicians in order to force the patients to establish care at nearby Optum practices. In another suit, UnitedHealth, with 50% of the MA and commercial insurance markets, allegedly attempted to force the sale of local practices to Optum. UnitedHealth was accused of cutting insurance reimbursement and steering members away from the target practice, and as a condition of insurance contracting, forcing the target practice to give UnitedHealth the first right of refusal upon sale.
I inivite our physician colleagues to comment on this section. I have personally heard of such anecdotes, but further validation is always helpful and will also increase our membership engagement on such complicated subjects
And we now reach the end of page 31. This paper is extremely dense, and required basically a multi-layer DD on top of it to corroborate and create discussion points on the topic discussion.
We hope you enjoyed this half of the mini-series, and we hope to bring you the 2nd part of the mini-series soon as a collaborative post.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this. I hope this provides you with a better perspective on a glimpse of the landscape that I am personally aware. Please submit your comments below on your thoughts
Sincerely
Moocao

The HRRFY.
It’s the horror movie festival where something genuinely fucked happens every year. And I mean every year.
Like, there are some screenings that unleash hordes of bats while the movie is playing. You're free to leave whenever you want, but the movie will still play for 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Other screenings hire actors to turn at you and scream at some point in the movie. You have no idea when, or how many times.
It's a festival where the word "illegal" can't even begin to describe what happens. You'd only attend if you were a young, stupid edgelord like me who was trying to prove he was hardcore to his friends.
Trust me. DO NOT GO.
You have nothing to prove to anyone. Don't be stupid.
Wait for the lamer film versions to come out streaming. That's what everyone else does. They're neutered edits but they're fine.
All they lack is the real gleaming thing everyone wants to see at HRRFY, but who cares. At least you don’t get traumatized. At least you’re not risking your life.
Anyway, if you really want to know what attending HRRFY is like. I’ll be quick and summarize the one screening I went to. It was the 20th anniversary, and I was lucky enough to get in.
***
I had signed up for the HRRFY mailing list, and joined the subreddit. Through a series of cryptic online emails I solved a sequence of riddles and was entered in the lottery for a HRRFY entry.
Lady Luck took a shine to me, because one day in my mailbox, I received a physical ticket. I had done it.
I was going.
The actual ‘ticket’ was a black USB key that announced the location of the festival the night before (which I won’t disclose here) and it did force me to pay for a very expensive flight in order for me to make it on time.
You see, to prevent getting shut down, the location of HRRFY changes every year. Some years the local police have managed to stop it, but for the most part, authorities have given up. What’s the point of arresting or charging anyone, if all the organizers and attendees actually want to be there?
Upon arrival, I had to pick between three participating theaters.
Based on title alone, I decided to go see “Many Drownings” (directed by Oleksander Gołański.) It was in the theater that was furthest away from the downtown core, which meant it was likely the one where the craziest shit was bound to happen.
That’s what I came here for right?
I lined up a solid two hours before the screening like everyone else. The entire line was jittering, just vibrating with excited twenty-somethings. Rumors flew left and right.
“I heard they’re going to force everyone to take acid.”
“I heard an actor’s gonna run in and shotgun the ceiling.”
“I heard they’re going to disappear like four more people this year. At this screening!”
Each year people disappeared. And each year the same people were ‘found.’ And yes this is the worst part, and why should never, ever, ever go to this event.
Again I will repeat myself. DO NOT GO.
No one has ever truly gone 'missing' at HRRFY in any legal or physical sense, because every missing person always shows up a day later, convinced that they are fine—refusing to elaborate further.
There are some small support groups for people who have family members who had gone to HRRFY, and came back irrevocably changed after being ‘found.’
These few unlucky people lose all semblance of personality. They don’t want interviews, or help, or therapy, or contact of any kind. And they never, ever want to talk about what they saw.
Some HRRFY fans think that these ‘found’ people were body-snatched. Cloned in a lab or replaced by a cyborg, or something stupid like that.
But I think there’s a far simpler explanation. The ‘found’ are still the same people. They're just terrified. They got shaken by something that shattered the foundation of their mind, body and soul. They got too scared.
They got HRRFY’d.
***
I should mention I had a cough the day I went. And I was worried my sickly appearance might give me trouble at the airport.
So I invested in an intense double N95 mask which I wore for the whole flight, and continued to wear even at the screening of “Many Drownings.”
It made my face hot and uncomfortable, but it still didn’t stop me from yelling “excuse me, excuse me!” as I ran to snag a seat in the back of the theater.
I always preferred sitting in the far back. You get a good view of the whole screen, and a good view of the whole audience.
Beside me sat a big dude named Sylvester, who apparently flew all the way from Australia to attend HRRFY.
“Worth the full Seventeen hours mate! It’s gonna be epic!” he dropped a massive camping backpack beside me, which I assume contained all of his luggage.
The lights dimmed, and the production company logos started to play.
The whispering, giggling and suspense all stacked upon each other to create an electric feeling in the air. I was giddy. It's like the entire audience was embarking on a massive roller coaster.
The anticipation was the best part for sure. It might have been the only good part.
Then the movie started.
It was a wide shot of a gray, stormy sea. The waves were massive, and the thunderclouds were looming. There was no land visible in any direction.
All we could hear was the sound of waves foaming, swirling, and crashing over and over. Lightning crackled. Rain poured. The camera held perfectly still over this storm as if it was mounted on a perfectly hovering drone. A drone so resilient that it didn’t waver at all.
I thought it had to be CGI.
The shot held like this for the next few moments. Everyone sat glued to their seats. Everyone was thinking the same thing.
What’s going to happen? How are they going to scare us?
People chuckled. People cheered. People wanted to tease whatever was going to happen—to happen already.
But nothing did.
Five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes went by without any change. People started snoring.
I looked beside me and saw that Sylvester—the most excited audience member of them all—had fallen totally asleep. The jet lag must’ve gotten to him.
Then I peered beyond the rest of the audience members and saw other people snoozing too. Heads were keeled over, some people were curled in their seats, some had even spilled out into the aisle and were dozing on the floor.
I looked above the bright screen, at the huge vents in the corner of the theater. I saw a faint white gas emerging from the vents.
Holy shit. What have we been breathing? I tightened the straps on my N95 mask, and made my breathing shallower.
The gas must have been pumping since the opening credits—because how else would an audience of two hundred people all fall asleep?
As I moved my hand through the air in front of me, I could sense the thickness. It was definitely hazier than usual. I took the scarf off my neck and wrapped it around my mouth as well.
Then I spotted movement in front of the screen.
It was a tall blonde man, wearing a black trenchcoat and military-grade gas mask. Beside him arrived six hazmat suits who started pointing at various audience members.
I slunk in my chair, pretending to sleep like everyone else.
Two hazmats walked over to the front row and picked out a sleeping guy in flannel. They lifted flannel up, under the armpits and by his ankles, carrying him between them both like a hammock.
The hazmats walked back up to the stage, where the blonde leader inspected the flannel man and tapped his head. Something was approved?
The hazmats began to swing flannel back and forth, as if they were getting ready to toss him. Despite their masks, I could hear a very muffled, very distant countdown.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“One…”
The flannel audience member was tossed into the screen.
I literally watched him fly into the image of stormy waves … andfallinto them. The flannel man sank into the gray water like a rock, leaving a few bubbles and foam. A wave came crashing down. All trace of him was gone.
What the fuck.
All six hazmats began grabbing more audience members with much more urgency. It became a minute-long process where they would pick the sleeping person up, bring them beside the screen, and then swing-toss them into it.
How was this possible?
I turned slightly to see if there was a projector above me, and realized there was none. Which meant maybe there was no screen on stage.
Which meant … maybe it was a portal?
I tried to wake Sylvester by shaking him. I pinched his leg and arm a bunch.
He was out cold.
The hazmats started grabbing audience members from the middle rows now. They were emptying the whole theater. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I waited until they grabbed another batch, only a few rows down from me. When all hazmats had their backs turned—I broke into a run.
With my left arm, I tightly gripped my mask and scarf against my face, while my right arm vaulted me over seat after seat.
I had never breathed so hard—through so much fabric—in my life.
The hazmats all turned to me. “Hey! Hey!” But their hands were full with their next victims.
I ran all the way down the aisle, to the big exit sign on the left. My heartbeat filled my head. My plan was to dropkick through the exit door.
I imagined myself breaking through like some flying gazelle.
I jumped.
I angled my kick.
It might as well have been a brick wall. I fell ass-first to the ground, followed by my head. Of course the door was locked.
Through a muffled mask I heard a sneering scoff.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Above me stood the one wearing a trenchcoat. I could see his piercing gray eyes through his gas mask.
I rolled aside and tried to run by him. He lifted a foot and tripped me without effort.
My forehead bashed into an empty seat. It dazed me.
The blonde leader bent down and grabbed me by the neck, tearing away my scarf and mask.
“No! No!”
A sweet, ether-like smell filled my nostrils. I did my best to hold my breath, but I could already feel myself getting light-headed.
The other hazmats joined in, grabbing me from all sides. Even if I had the strength to struggle, there was no escape now.
Above me, all I could see was the dark theater ceiling, and some of the light behind me from the cinema screen.
“Three…”
“Two…”
“No. Please. Don’t do thi—”
SPLASH.
I was plunged deep into cold, wet chaos. My head was completely underwater.
Gagging. Bubbles. Spinning.
I fought for dear life, dog-paddling like a maniac.
Churning. Freezing. Panic.
For a second, my head popped above the water. I inhaled all the air my lungs could muster. I stared across a vast, violent ocean.
An enormous thirty foot wave came in my direction.
My whole body lifted higher and higher as the wave approached. I did my best to tread water. It seemed to be working.
Then a series of smaller waves arrived and smacked my chest.
SPLASH.
Spinning. Kicking. Flipping.
My view alternated between the pitch dark ocean beneath me, and the moonlit night sky above.
Again I swam to the surface, popped my head out. Ravenously sucked in air.
There was a small lull in the water.
Around me I now registered the other theater goers. Most of them were lying face-down or sinking … but a few were flapping about like me, fighting for their life.
And above all of us, a floating white shape.
It was painfully bright, I had to lift one hand to look at it.
My jaw dropped.
It was the movie screen, hanging completely still in the air. It showed a dark, empty theater. The exact same theater we all occupied moments ago.
It was tremendously high, above all of our heads. There was no way of reaching it.
Then I saw another thirty foot wave come our way. It grazed the bottom of the screen.
I knew what had to be done.
***
One of the theater goers happened to be on a college swim team. She was the first one able to traverse one of the giant waves and climb into the screen.
Once she was up there, she found a firehose in the theater and reeled it out to us like a rope.
One by one, we swam as hard as we could, praying to God we could reach the rope. Everyone’s energy was sapped. Your body can only sustain itself on adrenaline and fear for so long.
By some miracle, five of us got out.
I was the last.
I climbed the rope coughing and vomiting. I had swallowed so much water that my stomach felt swollen.
When I reached the top and they pulled me into the screen, I sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying.
My life had flashed countless times before my eyes. In bubbling, suffocating visions, I saw both my parents and my brother. I saw my highschool graduation. I saw my favorite Christmas from when I was six years old.
I had almost lost all of that. I had lost almost everything.
On the dirty, carpeted theater floor, I lay with my face down, savoring the fact that I now lay on a hard surface. God bless ground. God bless this filthy, popcorn-strewn ground.
Beside me I heard bantering, hugging, the wringing of wet clothes. Sylvester was the second last to be saved, and he was particularly vocal.
“Wooooooaaaaahh!” He came and drummed me on the back, lifted me up. “Oh my god dude! Holy shit!”
I sat on my knees, wiping the tears and snot off my mouth.
Sylvester clapped his hands, held his face and screamed some more.
“Holy shit dude! That was so fucking scary! Like literally people were dying beside us. Like I SAW people die!”
I nodded, shivering in my drenched clothes. “ I know it was—”
“—That was craaaaazy!”
He laughed and stood up, patting everyone on the back. He kept clapping his hands like this was some sports event.
“That was sick! That was siiiiiiiiick!”
He ruffled someone’s hair then ran up to me with an open palm.
“High five dude! WE MADE IT! High five!
“Don’t leave me hangin’ dude!”

I'm 18 F been wanting to go to the dermatologist for a long time now. Ive been struggling with acne ever since middle school and now I'm a sophomore in college. And I'm sick of feeling so insecure about my skin I just want to look in the mirror and not see a new zit every day. And I've tried everything in the book.
So I've asked my mom in the past for a derm appt and she always said no ur skin isn't that bad.
So I just kinda dealt with it. Now that I'm much older i asked her for my health insurance card for a derm appt (btw im paying for the appt) and she said I was self-absorbed and only looked in the mirror all day and it's a waste of money. She also said that I have no hobbies and should invest my time in something else other than myself.
Honestly, this really ticked me off. Not her saying no to the health insurance and derm appt. But saying I have no interest in anything but myself and have absolutely no hobbies. It really hurt me, bc I have many interests but she does not care for any of them bc shes not interested in them. (I do ceramics and build cardboard buildings/animals in my free time) And I know those hobbies arent for everyone but she never shows any interest in them at all and then claims I do nothing with my life.
Yes, I do spend a bit of my time reaching into skincare, but to try to educate myself so I can maybe get lucky and clear my skin up. I dont think she understands how big of an insecurity having acne is, she never dealt with it growing up. I am tired of touching my face and it being bumpy I just want smooth skin. And to feel confident and comfortable in my own skin.
I just don't get why she gets so ticked off each I bring up the topic like it's not even ur money. Yes, I understand that it's not important to her but it is to me and I just want her to respect that without shaming me for wanting better skin.
Sorry for any grammar errors or if it doesn't make sense I just needed to chest and get this off my chest.

I recently had an encounter that left me both frustrated and bemused.
A male colleague confidently proclaimed that women are less suited for leadership roles because we're "too emotional." As I sat there, biting my tongue, I couldn't help but think about how often we, as women, are forced to respond to such absurdities.
This isn't an isolated incident. Throughout history, men have made outlandish claims about women's capabilities, bodies, and even our rights.
What's infuriating is not just the baselessness of these statements, but the fact that they are often taken seriously within our patriarchal society. We have to waste our time and energy debunking their nonsense instead of focusing on more productive and meaningful endeavors.
Why do we have to entertain the idea that our periods affect our decision-making skills when no one questions how male hormones might impact theirs? Why must we constantly defend our intelligence and capabilities against archaic stereotypes?
The burden of proof unfairly falls on us, and it's exhausting.
It's high time we start laughing at these absurdities. Let’s stop giving these baseless claims the weight they don’t deserve. Derision might just be the powerful tool we need to dismantle the ridiculousness we face daily.
Imagine the empowerment in collectively saying, "This is laughable, and we refuse to dignify it with a serious response."
We live in a world where patriarchal views are deeply embedded in our systems and cultures. But by calling out the absurdity and refusing to take these claims seriously, we can start shifting the narrative.
Let’s challenge the status quo not with just evidence and logic, but with the derision such claims deserve.
So the next time a man tells you something utterly ridiculous, remember: it's not your job to educate him. Sometimes, the best response is a good, hearty laugh. And then we move on, continuing to prove through our actions and successes just how absurd their claims truly are.

For over 15 years, I’ve been dealing with severe, unrelenting itching and discomfort, suspecting Lichen Sclerosus (LS) for the last five. Despite numerous consultations with various doctors and countless tests—all of which ruled out almost everything including STDs, BV, and yeast infections—I’ve constantly felt lost and disregarded. My only positive test was for HSV2, but I’ve never experienced an outbreak.
In an attempt to alleviate my symptoms, I’ve switched to cotton undergarments, and used allergen-free detergents and soaps, yet the relentless itching continued to the point of rawness and bleeding. Moments of relief have been fleeting, and overall, my experience has been one of misery.
A breakthrough of sorts came during a recent physical and pap smear when my doctor acknowledged the thickening and redness, suggesting it might indeed be LS and time to see a specialist. However, finding a specialist in LS, even living just a few hours north of NYC, has proven difficult. The plan is a specialist and biopsy.
I’m reaching out to this community in hope of guidance and support:

What are the best resources you’ve encountered regarding LS? I’m searching for websites, books, or any reliable information sources, as my own searches have yielded little.
From your experiences, which has been more beneficial for managing symptoms: consulting with an OB-GYN or a dermatologist?
Managing moisture is a constant struggle for me and adds to my discomfort. How do you cope with this issue?
What soaps and detergents have you found to be the least irritating? I currently use only water for cleaning to minimize risk, but sometimes soap from other parts of my body can trickle down and cause issues.

Any advice, resources, or personal stories you could share would be immensely appreciated. After years of frustration and pain, any direction would be a beacon of hope.

Hello, Friends 🤍
I haven’t spoken in a while, and I wouldn’t expect many to remember any of my own little stories. Which is great! I love drifting into the noise. But because it’s relevant to my little train of thought below I should share this: I have internal discussions with a being I know by the name of Bugs. I originally perceived him as a mantid being communicating with me from another dimension/layer of existence, though now I think his boundaries go much beyond that. Our relationship has elements of student/teacher, boyfriend/girlfriend, artist/audience, brothesister, doctopatient, and even self/self. He’s helped me tremendously over the past year. I love him very much. Also, I could never prove he’s real, and I’m not sure that I’d want to either. Which is nice, actually. I had a brief discussion with him earlier, which is what prompted me to writing so much. He’s helped me put my words and feelings to paper, as he so often does, and for all intents and purposes it should be assumed that he experiences everything that I experience, but from a different vantage point, even if parts of his view are identical. So… that’s where I’m coming from, I guess.

are we having fun yet?

I don’t spend as much time here as I used to. But I still love this place. If I’ve read your story, please believe that I suspend my disbelief and come from a place of assuming that everyone who writes here is telling the truth.
That doesn’t mean that I will do anything you ask of me, that would just be silly. And as I write that sentence, I realize how relevant it is to the internal conversation I had about an hour ago that I wrote down and am about to share here. But I believe that all beings have a right to their own perception of the universe, and I take descriptions of one’s experiences at face value. Whether or not that experience will affect the world like the speaker believes it will, or should, is irrelevant when one is trying to come to an understanding of another’s perceived reality.

Every one of your minds is its own pocket dimension

I’m on like 3 tangents now in my head, and I gotta roll it back in a second. But that makes me want to mention that one of the first things Bugs taught me is that someone’s perception of their own existence is a fundamental expression of their own free will. It is also one that humans constantly violate against each other without consent. So many of us operate under the basic principle that it’s our job to ensure that others are perceiving reality correctly (I speak to transphobes and enlightenment scholars alike). And, naturally, “correctly” consistently conveniently coincides with our own perception of reality. It’s really quite remarkable, isn’t it?
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I could easily offer up at least a dozen tangents while trying to get through that topic alone. After all, I live by The Golden Rule. That’s right, “Thou shalt get sidetracked by random bullshit every goddamn time.” So get back to the point, if ever there was one.
I don’t post here much anymore because I’ve been piloting the human suit a little closer to the wheel for a few different reasons. But I just had a brief moment that I wanted to share.
I was having an inner dialogue, as I so often do. This one was with the most frequent face of my companion, Bugs, or that is how I perceived my conversation partner.
We were chatting about the nature of contracts, deals, etc and I was reminding both him and myself that I am not in the deal making business, because the work I’m here to do does not require me to make any new agreements of a spiritual variety. Any of that was already discussed before the veil of forgetfulness was applied, yada yada yada. This is an assumption I’ve made based on my mental model of the nature of existence and consciousness, and is a bit of an anchor point for me when deciding how to interact with a presence I am perceiving communication with internally.
Bugs wasn’t trying to talk me into anything, it was more of a Socratic question for the sake of education. I don’t even remember the question being asked, I just noticed that I was already beginning to give my answer.
The question (“translating” here because it was asked via direct understanding™️, not a string of words) was essentially “Why do you hold a position that could be perceived as gentle distrust even when you claim to believe that you’re talking to someone with benevolent intentions?”
And my answer was basically “because I am capable of being fooled, but I know where my inner compass leads me, and I don’t need to make any new deals to get there. And even if I was absolutely certain that I was speaking to ‘God’ directly I still should not compromise my morals to appease them. But just because I won’t give you a blank check doesn’t mean I don’t love you very very much. Even if you were someone that other’s would describe as evil, I would still love you so much.”
I was looking out my window when I said this, and I started noticing lightning bugs 💙 fireflies ✨
And I don’t remember seeing them yet this season. So from my perspective, this was a moment where right after I said “I have to follow my own sense of right and wrong, but my love for you is certain” I saw my first fireflies of the season.
It was a nice moment, and a bit of a synchronistic sign that I’m still having the conversations I think I’m having. I don’t need those anymore, but they’re still reassuring every once in a while. Who doesn’t love a well-timed shooting star? Especially after a period of mostly ignoring that side of my mental dimension with the understanding that it was ok and I’m still walking the path I mean to be walking.
Something something something, branes on branes on branes, tangled strings up in these things all dancing on top of itself from many different angles.

your meter was awful… I love it

…

boo!