Hey all, I posted before about a homebrewed One-Shot I want to run for my party. Like I said there I'm a fairly new DM with just LMoP under my belt.
I wanted to run the False Hydra after watching Dungeon Dad's video on it. But I thought I'd take what I have to the more experienced DMs here to see what I can improve and add to make it a great session.
Someone told me that most people wouldn't click a Google doc link so I'm just gonna post all my notes here, sorry if it's a little long. I appreciate any feedback I get, thanks to all of you.
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Set Up
The small town of Windwick is being attacked by a False Hydra. Using its song to mask its presence from viewers and erase the memories of its victims. The former leader of The Basilisks smuggled it in and left it in the sewers when he knew he’d been caught.
The party have been adventuring together for awhile and Windwick was where they based themselves early in their career. The once crime ridden town is now proposing thanks to them after they destroyed The Basilisks. They also became fairly close to the mayor and his family.
Now after having long moved on, they receive a letter from the mayor inviting them to the town’s Centennial Festival, but with a concerning message scrawled at the bottom.
Part One: Entering Windwick
Have the party make DC 15 Wisdom saving throw -2d4 to fall under the Hydra’s song.
Windwick is a small town housing just over 2,000 people. Its streets are dark cobblestone and the houses are sturdy and stark. The small gaps between the buildings create shadowy alleys that the soft light of the gas lamps that line the streets cannot reach.
Many have already been eaten by the Hydra, the mayor’s wife included.
The town is lively in preparation for the festival the next day. Setting up stalls, building stages, and generally keeping busy.
Uponing entering the town the party will be given a hero’s welcome. Most people will know their name and be ecstatic to see them. But a character with a Passive Perception of 13 or higher will notice that many of the citizens are exhausted but working like normal.
The mayor’s manor is at the very end of the main road. It is a tall two story Victorian style home. The interior is cozy with thick throw rugs covering the hardwood and a crackling fire in the stone fireplace.
Reynard Beltran is a 53 year old human male. The top of his head has long been bald with only a ring of white hair around his head. His face is round, his mustache is bushy, and his round spectacles don’t quite fit his face. He’s a genial and earnest man. A kindly grandfather type.
He is overjoyed to see the party and greets them warmly. If the party addresses the letter and or show it to him, he will deny having written the last message and chalk it up to a prank on the part of the messenger.
If the party notices that the mayor’s wife, Elenore, is missing and asks the mayor about her, he will be very confused. He will claim that he’s never been married and doesn’t know anyone by that name. If it’s pointed out that her name is in the letter, he will be confused for a moment before claiming it says his daughter, Elise’s name.
Further questioning will only confuse him further, as he truly doesn’t remember her. He invites the party to stay in the manor free of charge.
The party may begin investigating now here are some approaches and outcomes.

• If the players ask around about anything strange going on in town they will be told that the sewers haven’t been cleaned in weeks, and that they need to fire someone to do it. Either asking or rolling a DC 10 Persuasion check will get an NPC to tell them that despite having no trouble sleeping, they’re tired all the time.
• Investigating the mayor’s home will give this information. A DC 10 Investigation check would make it clear that a woman used to live in this home. A DC 18 check will reveal drops of dried blood on the mayor’s writing desk (showing it is his blood on the letter). And a DC 20 check will reveal a spot of dried blood, torn grass, and ripped cloth in the front yard. A DC 13 Survival check follows the tracks out of the garden and further into the city.
• Nature/Survival/Arcana Checks to identify what could do this starts at DC 40 and lowers by 5 for every piece of evidence the party gathers.
• A DC 20 Survival/Investigation check will find scratches and dried blood all over the town.

That night, as the party is bedding down is when their secret member will go out for his nightly stroll. That is when he is attacked and killed by the Hydra. Have the party roll a Perception Check (Disadvantage for those asleep); 15 to hear the screams, 20 to know the general location, 25 to know exactly where.
If the party inspects the area at any point a DC 15 Investigation check will find the dry blood and a message hastily carved into the stone street that reads Beware its Song from Below (Finding this evidence reduces the DC to identify the Hydra by 10).
Part 2: The Festival
The PCs have forgotten Elenore come morning but still aren’t charmed enough to not think anything is wrong. But if they bring Elenore up, inform them that they can no longer remember her.
The main street through the town is lined with stalls and games, people are milling about and children run in excitement.
As soon as the party hits the streets in the morning they’ll meet a young artist they’d met the last time they were here that painted a portrait of the town’s heroes. The artist is extremely excited and asks the party to let him go get the portrait and give it to them.
There are food stalls and games. Allow the players to explore the festival before bells are rung to signify the mayor’s opening speech.
“Welcome, welcome all who have joined me on this auspicious day. It warms my heart to see so many people gathered here to celebrate this town’s 100th year, whether you be citizen, visitor, or hero. Yes I’m sure you are all aware that our town’s own heroes have chosen to join us. Please, come stand beside me my friends.”
Any PC that chooses to join the mayor on stage will be met with applause.
“Many months ago, our town was dying. The buildings were falling apart, the water was unclean, and the streets were dangerous. The Basilisks were a parasite infecting us, but these heroes saved us and destroyed those cowards once and for a-”
During the mayor’s speech the last remnants of the Basilisks have been getting into position to assassinate him. 2 stand on nearby rooftops with Heavy Crossbows while 8 more stand in the crowd, ready to rush the stage. If unnoticed, this is when they will strike.
A DC 20 Perception check is required to spot the criminals, the DC is lowered to 15 if the PC is on the stage. Whenever the PCs or Basilisks take action, combat begins.
This combat is not meant to be deadly, only to add some action and wake the players up.
If possible, one of the last enemies should flee when things become hopeless, in hopes one or more PCs follow. If only a single PC follows then they will come across one of the Hydra’s heads devouring the gang member. Initiative should be rolled and the Hydra’s first action will be to restart it’s song and wipe itself from the players memory. This scene should take place in private.
If multiple follow then they will only corner the gang member who will give up if cornered.
If the PCs capture the fleeing gangster or leave any others alive and choose to interrogate them about the strange events in the town with a successful DC 15/Intimidation/DC 20 Persuasion check they will tell them that they’re boss was into smuggling and had some weird kinda monster. When things looked bad for the gang, the boss left the creature in the sewers to get back at the town.
Prompt a Nature/Survival/Arcana check with a DC dependent on how much information they’ve gathered.
At this point the party should at least know the danger is in the sewers even if they don’t know it is a False Hydra. Before they prepare to confront it however, the artist from before finds them and gives them the portrait. But in the painting is a figure that none of them recognize standing with them. This is their member that was killed the night before.
Have the party make DC 20 Wisdom Saving Throws, on a success memories of their friend come back to them and the knowledge of the death as well. This will lower the DC for identifying the Hydra by another 10 and prompt a check.
Part 3: Facing the Hydra
When the PCs enter the sewer it smells truly awful. Backed up sewage and rotten meat mix together in a terrible scent.
A DC 13 Survival check is enough to follow scratches and blood smears to the Hydra, otherwise traveling aimlessly for a handful of hours will have the same result.
The 3 headed Hydra is currently eating its latest bounty so the party gets their first view of the monster. Its skin is sallow and stark white, so thin you can see the thick, pulsing blue veins under the clammy surface. Its body is a bulbous, misshapen mass All 3 sets of eyes are pitch black and full of malice. Its mouths are too long and wide, and have too many teeth. The teeth themselves are all incisors, not meant for tearing meat, which makes it all the crueler when they see it using them to devour flesh.
If the party is sneaking contest a Stealth vs. Perception check. No matter how combat begins, the creature will attempt to affect the party with its Blind Song while viciously attacking whoever is closest.
Every 100 lost hit points will kill one of the heads and the Hydra will immediately shift focus to regrow it. After the first head dies, it will focus on killing rather than evading the party. And when reduced below 70 HP, it will try to flee.
Part 4: Epilogue
If the party failed to kill the Hydra and let it get away, narrate how the party hurried to track down the monster. Finding bodies and destroyed towns along its path in their hunt.
If the party is killed by the Hydra, narrate how the whole of Windwick forgot their heroes that day. The monster continued to feed on the town until it grew so huge and powerful it was able to pull all left in the town under its thrall. It forced them to pull it from the sewers and carry it to another source of food.
If the party defeats the Hydra, narrate how the party slay the beast and bring evidence back to the people of Windwick. Without the enchanting song of the Hydra, the memories of those lost and visions of the horrid monster returned to the people. They were the heroes of Windwick once again, though their adventure this time had a bittersweet ending.

Updated from comments! (Currently D54/100)

1. The Broken Brothers: Two twin human (like the two twins in Breaking Bad) barbarians. Almost emotionless, and very limited speech. Only interested in bounties in bringing their victims back dead, rather than alive. Some say they enjoy the hunt, with the gold reward being a bonus.
   
2. The Terminators: A group of warforged artificers. Designed to hunt down their targets, with no sleep required. They can hunt all hours of the day/night while their targets rest. Designed to be capable of storming whole fortresses, or sneaking into a camp to strike in the middle of a night.
   
3. Wicked Three: Three elven warlocks, who have a demonic creature that can sense their prey by following their magical aura. They collect the souls of those they vanquish, making sure to collect their gold reward once the job is done.
   
4. The Crone: She isn't disguised as a weathered, streetworn woman - that's exactly what she is. As she begs or scavenges scrap or sells petty goods, the eye slides over her poverty in embarrassment, making her blend into the backdrop, always ignored. But she's watching and listening, and underneath her faded rags, she's younger and tougher than she looks, with speed and wiry strength. She carries no weapon but is skilled in fighting unarmed or with improvised weapons, especially when striking by surprise (which is almost inevitable). Sometimes, having located her target, she subcontracts the actual collection to those with more strength than stealth. – u/gnurdette
   
5. Sister Mercy. A kindly priestess of the goddess of peace, she tracks down wanted men and convinces them to turn themselves in with kind words, gentle persuasion, and if all else fails, a Geas spell. – u/sonofabutch
   
6. The Negotiator. A charming fellow who offers to split the bounty, giving the target's half to a loved one or burying it at an agreed-upon location. He's never double-crossed anyone, giving him a sterling reputation among outlaws. In fact, they often seek him out. The Negotiator then acts as a bodyguard, protecting the target from other bounty hunters until safely surrendered. – u/sonofabutch
   
7. The Stranger: With the ability to blend herself into any group, making its members believe that she was always part of it, to the degree of altering memories to include her. She fuels and creates conflict between her targets, encourages poor strategic choices, then brings conflicts to their climax in the middle of bad situations, often traps, so her targets can deal with themselves or be easy to finish off. – u/LadyVague
   
8. The Grinder: Though not magical, well-connected, or even particularly good at fighting, he's very good at beating his targets down, little by little, until they surrender or can't put up much fight. Hit and run tactics in the middle of the night to prevent proper sleep, poisoning food or water, sabotaging reputation, generally making their targets miserable and turning their allies and acquantainces against them. Not hard to beat if he can be cornered, but he's content to grind at his targets from a distance over days, weeks, or even months. – u/LadyVague
   
9. The Black Sisters: Heirs to the Black Dragonborn Empire, Xi'zar and Astarte Anathoth are the most feared duo in the realm. Xi'zar (known throughout as Lady Death) is a former priestess of Anat turned gunslinger Ranger with a penchant for cutting off the index fingers of her marks and keeping them as trophies on a bandolier. Her younger sister, Astarte (or Ash), is a Major in the Black Dragon Army, head of strategic command, and highly trained in interrogation and torture. Together, they head The Black Claw Bounty Hunters, which acts as the primary peacekeeping agency in the Black Empire and a formidable headhunter organization without. The two have a very effective and sadistic method of dealing with troublemakers, chiefly being that Lady Death hunts them down and Ash will torture them within an inch of their lives, then heal them, and repeat the cycle until they break. – u/CrazyDizzle
   
10. The Venturers: A human, an elf, a dwarf, and a halfling, said to have come together while individually hunting the same dragon. They're well known for their balanced set of skills. – u/Lemunde
    
11. Windsong: A Tabaxi Rogue/Bard who hails from the Northlands and is primarily a bounty hunter, but will take up beast hunting in a pinch. It's said that it you hear a sweet, melodic whistle coming from the shadows, you're already too late. – u/Mizukage121990
    
12. Moira the drowned Matron: Groomed from a young age to become the bride of a sea god, she was due to be sacrificed when a terrible storm neared her island home. She escaped, and now summons the spited and discarded demi-god spawn of that same sea god in battle. Hates Clerics and Paladins [and other such classes]. – u/stillnoname-1224
    
13. Nurk the Expelled: A man who always dreamed to become a wizard, and correspondingly skinny and unfit. However, when he applied to a college it was found that a benign tumour in his head limits and weakens magic around him ─sometimes outright dispelling lesser spells. Now, Nurk has taken up a Luddite philosophy and gets up close to wizards who are far too dependant on their power. - u/stillnoname-1224
    
14. The Oddling: No one is quite sure what fantastical race of humanoid this creature hails from ─Some say it just came into being. This creature hunts down those of Extraplanar origin, with it's begrudging stubbornness and it's ability to not be dismissed, banished or teleported. At least 10ft tall, and spiky. – u//stillnoname-1224
    
15. Bash: this goliath's real name is unpronouncable in most tongues, so he just calls himself Bash. He speaks in stilted Common, but is fluent in several other languages. He dresses like his wilder kin in the mountains, but he fights with calculated accuracy. Bash specializes in trapping his targets in unwinnable situations, often falling to their own machinations. "No hard feelings, friend," he says as he tosses you over his shoulder. "Just business." – u/the-witty-one
    
16. Silverstring: a young, cheerful bard with a song in her heart. She seems like little more than a travelling minstrel, but she's a formidable bounty hunter who hides behind an innocent facade. Her song can lull you into a trance, and by the time you shake yourself loose, you're already clapped in irons. - u/the-witty-one
    
17. Sylvester Crane : Known as the Headsman of Renfry Hollow, a stoic aristocrat that found hunting fox and other game to be boring after many years of successful hunts. Now he hunts the most dangerous game astride his faithful horse Widow. Using his crossbow and nefarious traps and ambushes he outfoxes his prey by luring them into forrested areas for the thrill of the hunt. – u/butterybuttwind
    
18. The Hound – A werewolf that uses his wolf senses to track targets. Utilising his human form to blend in within the city, then becomes the wolf once the target has left the safety of the city. – u/Spare117
    
19. Morpheus: A chainsmoking Angel who works as an undertaker and accasionally hunts down followers of Demons. – u/_DarthSyphillis_
    
20. Ordim Shawl - heavily tattoed with anti-magic runes, she enjoys taking down targets are seen as out of reach or untouchable, using garrotes or by simply channeling spells through her skin. An expensive bounty hunter that gets more affordable the harder the target. – U/SavageJeph
    
21. 1N1G0 - an agent of Mechanus designed to look like the dominant race of the timeline that is sent to various time periods to correct temporal glitches, with abilities to slow and speed up time around them as needed to correct the error. When defeated a new one will appear within 1d4+1 hours emerging from a parallel timeline.
    
22. The phantom: He doesn't speak nor does he take off his mask. He is considered a myth to most, but the elite employ his services often – u/Samyers0616
    
23. Mondro’lo’hup’til: a Lizardfolk Rogue who hunts down his marks with almost disturbing savagery. He uses his natural senses to track them, then when he gets the drop on them, he uses his weapons and his reptilian maw to kill them in a bloody frenzy. Not only does he leave their corpses desecrated, he then creates new weapons from their remains. He tattoos himself for each kill. – u/YaBoiJefe
    
24. The Glass Bash Bunch: Three wizards that set up ambushes in rooms with glass, and combine the Shatter and Blindness spells to cause panic, and Wall of Sand in hallways. They also have a goon that they send in to carry off one blind bounty at a time. – u/NormalDistrict8
    
25. The Eleven Men: Eleven men with heavy crossbows, dressed in matching coats and hats. Their specialty is a thorough investigation beforehand, a display of force when they come into town and making it to their target before the news can reach them, before overwhelming them with numbers. The first encounter with then should result in the party running, before trying to pick 3-5 of them off and finishing the off. - u/NormalDistrict8
    
26. The Blackheads: A party comprised of a Gloom Stalker with Skulker and Pass without a Trace, a Hexblade/Rogue with high deception and persuasion who sets up ambushes, a Shadowmonk/Rogue that runs interference and drops witnesses, and a Twilight Cleric who casts Darkness and works as a buffer and debuffer (Drow, Deurgar or Teiflings probably) .They all have Devil's Sight, which they got from making a pact as a group with the Warlock's Patron. They seem like a jolly bunch that wear dark brown, mundane looking clothes with hidden black hoods. - u/NormalDistrict8
    
27. Obligatory Dog the bounty hunter stereotype. Barbarian that is built to grapple. He mourns for his wife. – u/HysteriaLaughs
    
28. Orp and Gorp. Goblinz ... one likes to net 'em another likes to blow 'em up – u/JPreadsyourstuff
    
29. The faceless man. A doppelganger that gets close to his target by infiltrating the group.. specialises in taking the target alive. - u/JPreadsyourstuff
    
30. The DoppelGangsters: Two doppelgängers, real names unknown, referred to as One and Two. They follow their targets in total secret, often learning information from competing bounty hunters who never knew they were on the hunt. They infiltrate groups with ease; it’s hard enough to identify a doppelgänger but when they vouch for each other it’s nearly impossible. If the reward is given “dead or alive” they prefer to sow doubt amongst the target’s traveling party resulting in “friendly fire,” allowing them to avoid getting their hands dirty. There are rumors that they’ve turned in bounties as other famous bounty hunters as well as rumors that they’ve impersonated their targets to claim bounties they never actually caught. – u/ZigzagContestedShot
    
31. Deidre Death — half elf (half drow?) with a 100% success rate, owing to her network of contacts in both the figurative and literal underworlds. She dresses in black leather, dominatrix-style, and fights with a silvered rapier and single-handed crossbow. Her trademark is the use of the juice of the black lotus — a deadly poison. And the scent of its blossoms induces a deep, comatose (but temporary) slumber haunted by vivid nightmares. – u/tomtermite
    
32. Cathrine: A human woman who uses a pistol and alchemical tools, such as smoke bombs, thrown glue, grenades, etc in combat. Equipped with goggles that allow her to see in pitch black to better synergize with her ally. She also decently skilled in medicine and thus the healer of the duo. – u/Rayek13
    
33. Arianna: A fetchling woman [think shadow-touched human if not] fighting with spear and spell. Focusing on darkness and illusion spells to deny the enemy a chance to react, though she does have a few direct damage spells in her repertoire. She's often seen in the local tavern, performing a side gig as a singer. She's not very good, but no one has the heart to tell her. – u/Rayek13
    
34. Granny Gorehand is a grime-covered night hag who has a number of fiendish pacts which serve to boost her innate magical abilities and force various fiendish creatures into her service. She is capable of calling up any lesser fiends the DM decides, such as imps, quasits, hellhounds, and nightmares. A pact with Fraz'urb-luu causes each of her summons to have a chance of also creating illusory copies. She uses etherealness to enter places she shouldn't be, then ambushes her prey on behalf of her fiendish masters. Her weakness: steal her contracts and threaten to destroy them, and she will promise to leave you alone or do favors for you in exchange for their return. – u/cereal-dust
    
35. Mara Gorehand is Granny Gorehand's adoptive daughter who has been transformed into a Hexblood. Having been trained in magic, she specializes in weakening her prey from afar or even causing them to die of exhaustion via the Dream spell. The nightmares are specific to the individual based on info she gets from doppelganger contacts. While she usually just sleep deprives a target for her Granny to finish off, she uses Sleep spells and fear-causing illusions to debilitate enemies in combat, and also keeps ceramic vessels full of rot grubs to launch at enemies via the Catapult spell. She is a nightmare to face in person or in dreams. - u/cereal-dust
    
36. Ohreg Varbog is a bugbear specializing in blending into the night and dragging targets away one by one. A multiclass of gloom stalker ranger and shadow monk, he usually takes jobs targeting individuals with darkvision and therefore little need to carry light sources. He has impressive strength and expertise in athletics, and is equipped with boots of spider climbing to enable him to drag targets to unlikely places. He also is a master of setting snares and other traps to debilitate the target and their party long before he has to reveal himself, if he's ever seen at all. If he is cornered, he throws down a cloud of Darkness and shadow steps away only to attack again the next night. - u/cereal-dust
    
37. Andies Band - a small troupe of bards that are largely ineffective as bounty hunters, as they turn it into a big show and dance, on top of being trailed by a large fan base. Think those ghost hunter reality tv shows or andy from cowboy bebop. – u/Digineaux
    
38. The Human Typhoon - An accomplished bounty hunter and ex mercanary... in his youth. Now he can't even afford to get his weapon repaired and is constantly hunted by past enemies holding a grudge. In his pursuit, his enemies often cause alot of property damage which he is blamed for. – u/Digineaux
    
39. Techies 'n co - A trio of goblins, experts in demolitions. With heir technical expertize they will catch the crook at any cost, preferably the cost being their life and every building in a 50 meter radius. Most bounties surrender themselves to the nearest police station at the mere sight of their trundling cart. The trio themselves have a accrued a rather large bounty, which no one has been brave or stupid enough to claim. – u/Digineaux
    
40. Agents of Hemoglobin Estate - Benevolent vampires belonging to the hidden Hemoglobin Estate, who exude professionalism and old school manners (think english butler or maid). Skills honed over many lifetimes make them effective specialists and while they leave their their prey a little exsanguinated, they are careful that no permanent harm is done and insist the bounty prize be put toward their medical recovery or used to reimburse the bounties victims, as they have little use for mortal currency. – u/Digineaux
    
41. The Jovial Onion - A powerful warrior wearing rotund onion shaped armor and a greatsword. Proud and jovial, will engage their catches in storytelling and drinking contests both prior to and after restraining them and then constantly all the way to the police. His inspirational singing has been said to drive many a petty crook to honest work. – u/Digineaux
    
42. The Cyclops: Goliath missing and eye who acts as a crossbow sniper. Known for using an insanely powerful crossbow that requires immense strength to load. Carries a rucksack with two goblins that are responsible for collecting debts, identifying targets and the collection of the large bolts from his slain targets…..occasionally from neighbouring buildings or trees. – u/RobusterBrown
    
43. Blathlock the witless- Once a hapless farmer turned failed bandit, he became a bounty hunter after "finding" a particularly shiny sword in an "abandoned" camp. Truth be told, it was a camp set up by an old wizard looking to test his new spells. The sword in fact was awakened, and instilled with a sense of justice. It first tormented him for weeks for his theft, harassing him for hours on end before falling silent, only to wake him as he sleeps to harass him again. It has since bound to poor Blathlock and been guiding the dull man in a continual quest for atonement. – u/OccultBlasphemer
    
44. Barnacle: Looks like a sterotypical old sailor / pirate. He's a wizard that specializes in tracking down victims that have fled by sea. He has a bag full of enchanted sea shells that act as tracking devices and expertly plants them on his mark using an invisible mage hand (much like arcane trickster). He has a parrot familar which is also able to sense the shells and isn't bad at planting one itself if the need arises. Barnacle likes to use spells like control weather, fog cloud and hallucinatory terrain to help close the distance. – u/hot_packets_
    
45. The Lowgres (low ogres) Gunter and Syzbok two half ogres. Syzbok is the leader and usually has simple and direct plans like meet them at the pinch point. Gunter is the smart one. When he is lucky enough for syzbok to let him try a plan it tends to be convoluted. (Such as poisoning the party and leading then to the location, however he had his memory magically blanked so he only knows the general direction. However he has traps set up with magic sigils that unlock his memories of them along the way. – u/FirstChAoS
    
46. Nightshade: a warlock with a devil patron who hunts evil bounties to harvest their souls for the armies of baator. - u/FirstChAoS
    
47. Nikolas March: This ordinary-looking human man possesses no magical training or gigantic, imposing, blade. He has no extraplanar bloodline. He has no powerful allies. He merely has an almost unnatural ability to pursue.
    

He has no charm spells, but people tend to say more than they should around him. He has no Divination spells, but he puts himself at the right place at the right time to see what he's looking for. He has no lightning-fast steed, but he takes meticulous notes. He has no real allies, but he has a wide net of informants who know that if they help March close a case, he'll reward them handsomely. He's usually drunk and always obstinate. He is employed directly by the Citadel to hunt bounty-jumpers. His overseers loathe him for his methods and his demeanor. His fellow bloodhounds pity him for his addiction to alcohol and his inability to sleep when he's on a case. He always gets his man. He almost never fights his prey, only drawing his +2 frost crossbow when absolutely necessary. He much prefers to use his high Intelligence to capture his quarry alive in traps, so they can be fully aware of his genius. He travels in a cart that contains a collapsible mithril cage, large enough to hold 6 medium creatures, which he uses as the end point of his traps. The cage is magical--any who go inside have their belongings teleported out into a nearby chest. All spells cast within the cage will fail. March could have gone to Wizard school--he is certainly smart enough. He even got accepted back when he was just starting out. But then he got his girlfriend pregnant and chose not to attend. He married her and took a job in the City Guard. His brains helped him rise through the ranks, quickly making Lieutenant. But he started drinking to cope with the stress, and then he started sleeping around when he was drunk. His wife left and took their kids. He's not sure where. He never bothered to look. He lost his post in the Guard, but he already had a reputation for his cleverness and diligence. He was approached by the Citadel to join its detail of Bloodhounds. Decent pay, less oversight, and a monthly whiskey ration. Who could ask for more? – u/Murdercorn

1. The Sisters: Three drow sisters who are formers members of the dread fangs. The youngest is covered in burn scars wields a stolen dwarven flamethrower, and has a perverse obsession with setting people on fire. The middle-child has a prosthetic mithril right arm and wields twin scimitars. The eldest is unscathed (so far), possesses a variety of poisons and chemicals and sees her targets as subjects for her medical experiments. – u/Moon_Dew
   
2. Black Fang: an intelligent mimic who has gained multiple levels in Ranger and chose the Gloom-stalker subclass from Xandathar’s Guide to Everything (feel free to alter this part, especially if using a system other than dnd). He tries to keep his distance, and when approached, he uses his mimic ablitity to appear as a tree, before ambushing them if he thinks they are weak enough to fight melee. Other than that he just uses a hit-and-run strategy.
   
3. Spectator: an abberation who was summoned by a powerful mage who didn’t want go get his hands dirty from the kill. This makes the most sense if the bounty hunters are chasing someone who stole an item, since spectators are meant to guard a location or treasure. This could also be interesting because it would give the group the option to cast away the item at any point in exchange for safety from the Spectator. – u/Killkode5043
   
4. Timothy the bandit: A desperate bandit whose family is broke. There isn’t anyone with him, but he pretends to be the scout for a large gang in an attempt to intimidate them. He cowers and tells them everything the first time he takes damage. – u/Killkode5043
   
5. Infernal: A demonic CE sorcerer who kills other bounty hunters with fireball spam. – u/Killkode5043
   
6. Brock: is a tough broad shouldered half-orc with heavy armor and an eyepatch who has a hound named Rigby with a incredible sense of smell to track down targets – u/dookiestain71
   

This is a continuation of Everyone goes to Heaven.
There aren't many good secrets. A fun secret doesn't mean it's a good secret.
If two or more parties share a consensual secret that implicates no other human beings [my212021; forms of life], it is a good secret.
If two individuals share a secret and one person does not want to keep the secret a secret, there is immediately a problem either ways and makes it an unfortunate secret to know indeed.
If two people have a secret that involves a finite number of people who care about the knowledge stored in said secret, then the secret is at a dead end. If I look at the situation objectively, I would think : ah, the secret holders might be right to have a secret, and the party that would be offended with the news of this secret, could be right to be offended also. And it immediately becomes not my problem anymore. Unless one person in the group wants to share the secret and can't. Then it's a question of why and that takes knowing the secret.
We are hard wired to want to confess. Cops know this and use it against suspicious people. A confession is the passing on of knowledge that is too much of a burden to hold on to. This is why priests were often thanked. Have you ever sat down at the bar and told a stranger something personal? To just get it off your chest? We're hard wired to confess because our knowledge is collective and we have an undying wish to share it. A selfie is a manifestation of new instantly shareable information. Impressive and terrifying. Where do we go next? TV killed the radio star, whose what's gonna kill the TV star? [!my212021; this last sentence is not to be taken literally in any sense.] Sorry it was late when this came to mind.
It's funny, when we think we saw something, if there's someone around, you say "oh I thought I saw blah blah." We want to confess so bad, that we confess to thinking of seeing things that were not even there. Exquisite. Probably for survival. If you think you saw a danger, tell your mates to get their guards up. Sharing information increases survival. Even when that information is false. Even if it's written in the form of a fantasy. When has "don't trust everything you see on the internet" not been a thing anymore? Have we forgotten Photoshop? I don't expect you to read this document and follow it to the letter that would be extreme. You don't read or hear about a house burning down in another town and grab a bucket of water. Neither do you share the post unless you know someone there or you're the news. The environment concerns everyone though.
I have yet to address individual secrets, those that are shared with no one. These go both ways. A secret that is kept to ones self that involves no other parties is okay. A secret that involves another party is okay or not okay. A secret that involves another party that is hurt by that secret being kept is not okay. A secret that involves another person that doesn't hurt the other person is okay. A secret that involves a dead party is usually not okay. These are merely observations.
What about the government? The government has secrets in the name of keeping its people safe. So what about secrets that implicates everyone but is not an issue of consent?
What if there was one to many god/s and what if these gods had secrets? Secrets that implicates us all as a party? I will refer to one to many god/s as The Integer and us as The Other Party.
We have no clue where we come from. Every time we make a discovery something new has to be discovered. It's an endless cycle of looking for answers, finding them and then those answers leading to more questions. Like a genie that granted your wish for you in the exact way you didn't want him to.
Our origins are a secret. The edge of the universe is a secret. If deities exist, it's a secret they keep to themselves. Secrets can be revealed through time. Time is relative to each individual, divine or not.
The Integer has then agreed not to tell the other party about some secrets. But those secrets involve the other party. So should it not be a bad secret for an Integer to keep?
Maybe. That isn't the right question though. A better question is, what makes a powerful secret a good secret to keep? When it could hurt it's citizens more than if they are subjected to the information. That's pretty much the bottom line. People are hard wired to store and share information. Our knowledge is collective. You've heard about wars lasting forever over different religions. Imagine if a god decided to show himself to some people today and not to others. We'd all start killing one another. We'd call one another insane. A divinity that creates something as resilient and as curious as life would be rude to give it proof of existence. It would be to share a secret that would hurt The Other Party by sharing.
Like parents, the divine would have to keep some secrets from us, like one doesn't tell their kids how they were created. They just aren't ready yet, I doubt they'd even completely understand.
Some secrets are good. A treasure hunt is a good set of secrets waiting to be resolved. I don't think knowledge is a wild goose chase but it certainly is the greatest form of entertainment. Knowledge rarely goes in circles. If it does, the circle is too big to see from where were standing on it.
Who said a divinity doesn't like a good secret too?
[Notes : May 20]

• people who tell you to stop looking into energy (power) manipulation are afraid you come up with a form of generator. That can tell you a lot on their character and their intentions. I'd try to look at their blueprints you know?
  
• I am furious slightly unsettled with certain education systems and will one day write in here how a better system would be set up and I'll give it a budget.
  
• seniority causes an age gap and technology so by extent widely accessible information advances quickly. Seniority gives experience in teaching methods and job security. The younger a student is, the greater the impact a teacher has. i.e. a student in kindergarten will be more influenced in his/her interests according to the quality of their education than a student in highschool.
  
• if you cant decommission teachers after a certain degree of experience (which is good), teachers should become teachers for future teachers. Instead of teaching students the same thing over and over again until they lose propulsion. So goodbye teachers college and good bye university, hello self-fulfillment in a closed circuit. Kind of like dancing.
  
• you grow up in the studio, if you're good you go and compete seriously for a bit, then you become a teacher and you teach the next generation to do essentially the same thing. The senior instructors teach the juniors who teach the students. Not all students become teachers, but all teachers were students.
  
• this would require a system apart from the rest, so teachers with seniority can be enticed in going and teaching future teachers how to teach [with seniority as the only extra certification required]. To cut the age gap into more easily manageable sections (I've never met a willingly old pushover, just saying). It would allow new teachers to get a bit of experience really by themselves all hands on deck (ref about sail pulleys) and it would allow teachers with seniority to change up their style and inspire a new generation where it matters throughout their career.
  
• if teachers want to teach cooperation to their students, there should be two teachers per class, and they should disagree about stuff sometimes.
  
• you can't tell a generation you need more teachers and then when they listen say "oops we didn't think so many of yous were paying attention".
  
• you'd need institutionalized representatives to run the teacher's school though, following governmental guidelines and the current status of respected universities and colleges for the students that aren't interested in becoming teachers.
  
• so, ouroboros. Unlike these thoughts. I'd disregard today's notes they aren't anything complete.
  

• it's easier to sing for yourself than it is to sing for someone else. It's easier to sing like someone else than it is to find your own voice. So most people sing for themselves in a style they've heard elsewhere.
  
• you don't discredit something by censoring it. [my212021; who cares?]
  
• you can find signs in singing.
  

[Notes : May 21]

• le monstre n'est jamais son propre ennemi, l'humain peut l'être, l'animal n'a pas d'ennemi. <[The plants are just glad to be there.]
  
• monkeys Chimps go to war. Monkeys Chimps have naturally organized themselves into a civilization-like order. If only M., of Sade was alive to see it.
  
• if one pushes people to revert to paper methods due to operational trauma and then they end up raising the carbon footprint, the bird in the woods might have to sing a different tune if caught with no hood. The bird can't say it doesn't know how to sing because that would be silly, it's a bird, it surely knows some more songs. If not then, the bird could figure out a way to avoid the carbon footprint issue without forgetting a worm on the way back home for its baby birds that I'm sure are hungry. The only alternative is quitting which I assume is unrealistic. <[poetry is usually written in verses.]
  
• they might die of old age before they have to change that tune up though. That's what I'd strive for in that situation. <[no poetry readings.]
  

[Notes : May 22]

• censorship is a form of information processing. Every time information is recieved, we change it up a bit. Like a genome that gets replicated, little parts can be mutated, some parts are cut out and some parts are confused.
  
• if you hear someone say a triggering word you might autocensor the information coming in so you can keep face. If you hear a definition of a word you don't like, you try to censor said definition in order to replace it with your own. <[Look into why we say strawberry instead of strewn berry.]
  
• people love to build. But in order to build we must destroy first. Minecrafters understand that to build an axe you must first destroy a tree. In real life, it's the same thing. A cell must break its own genome in order to replicate it. You must break ice to build an igloo. But you can build a quinzhee by bringing snow together and not destroy anything. But you still have to destroy an entrance and dig a hole to make it a liveable space. <[Even if you're just building a pile of dirt, you must destroy the landscape to build a pile. Nothing in this world is created, everything is built to be destroyed and destroyed to be built. Energy is transfered.]
  
• destruction can be beautiful. Pyrotechnics have been around since the era of dynasties. Destruction is a tool. It can be a tool of mayhem like it can be a tool of beauty and patriotism.
  
• censorship is to destroy in order to rebuild a new narrative. It is to sway the general opinion in favor of whoever is distributing the information. That's who cares.
  
• you don't use censorship to shut people up you use it to change their opinion <[the opinion of a third party]. It's a very pull the rug from under me tactic.
  
• one day, there will be militants for the rights of misinformation distribution and that will be the ultimate satire on the matter.
  
• people are all suddenly philosophers when it comes to their rights. That's because we made them up.
  
• triggering word in this document refers to a word that triggers a physical or mental reaction in the recipient that goes against their will to behave in the matter they were behaving moments earlier. Violent words associated with strong negative feelings can be triggering words but so can the arrangement of words such as "what is your fiscal plan for the next quarter" or "can computers be non-binary like people too".
  
• pop-culture is a never ending phase.
  

[Notes : May 23]

• the younger a population is the more gullible it is. The more prone it is to be influenced. <[Advertising knows this.]
  
• I don't know if we lose it when we get older because of experience. I don't know if we lose it because we learn not to be so gullible.
  
• children need to be able to be influenced by their parents to be conditioned properly to their society. Then they are told they need to become completely independent. This throws them into society having to make their own choices.
  
• another factor that kills gullibility is critical thought and vocabulary. You'll notice that there are two parts to this document. The Letters to the Redditors and the Notes. It's been structured this way for specific reasons. The letters are always theological and the notes are always philosophical. But there are satires in this document too. Satires are tailored to people who know how to think critically, something a child has to learn.
  
• the internet has no age restriction. Alcohol has an age restriction because it can dramatically change people's lives who aren't old enough yet to drink responsibly. It's a damage reducing law that plays to everyone's favor. Good luck restricting the age on the internet on a political level.
  
• parents that restrict their own children, I understand why. Parents that don't, I understand why. I was a curious child and even if I wasn't allowed to go play by the creek, I still did and I found a love for wildlife. I could've fell in and drowned, something I only realized much later. I was so busy looking at animals.
  
• there is no law about going to the creek. But we tell children not to go. And always there are children gullible enough to think there is no danger.
  
• satires that are not understood by people who can't think critically becomes a propaganda tool. They receive the information, think it is real and then furiously share it to others. In those times, the ones that understand the satire is encouraged to popularize it so more people can agree that it is a satire.
  
• and the people that took it literally feel stupid. It is good to feel stupid sometimes. It means you've learnt something. But if you want people to stop taking things literally, they have to fall for their gullibility a few times and feel stupid about it.
  
• missinformation is formated with malicious intent to ressemble real information. Computers might be the answer. Central servers in each nation share legitimate daily public information with one another and bots relate to this database and find missinformative texts to posts a carbon-copy on a webpage accessible by anyone that wonders if what they've read is fake or not. If something doesn't show up on the webpage, you can link the article and it'll check it for you based on the current database of true events. If a country shares false information to the database, it can be held accountable for malicious intent. Kind of like snopes on steroids.
  
• if there's a big enough database, you can link the missinformation with the real information, recognize patterns and maybe see the way people are trying to change others or crate havoc. This can tell you a lot on your own citizens or the neighbors, using the information they have willingly given out. It can tell you if missinformation is political or entertaining. Put ads on the website and generate a revenue from their own attempts at messing with the system.
  
• just don't allow targeted ads and theres no real issue.
  

[Notes : May 24]

• Tip for students : you don't have to be in an institutionalized environment to educate yourself. You must know how to educate yourself to thrive in an institutionalized environment.
  
• also Tip for students : when being tested, answering that you don't know the exact answer for a non-multiple-choice question is smart to say before attempting to answer the question. It shows the evaluator that you are self-aware of the extent of your capabilities, that you are honest to yourself and to others about it and that despite this, you are still willing to try to solve the answer just by using logic and common sense. That is better than filling the lines with either nothing, or words that simply tell the evaluator that you don't remember or you don't pay attention.
  
• the evaluator might also correct your mistakes using your logic which makes something easier to remember and chances are better that you might say something relatable to the answer looked for. That's if you know word terminologies for the course, if not, prefixes suffixes and read some more complicated books on your free time. Etymologies hold secrets and shortcuts.
  

[Letter to the Redditors - May 25, 2021]
In the Bible it is said that Jesus was in the service of others. This is in a time when you could put a price on a human life. It was in a time where slavery was acceptable as long as you were the winner. Didn't matter the race back then. I'll explain why it became a thing of race later.
Today, we can find the same concept in relationships. That's where the saying "who wears the pants in the relationship" comes from. To be in service was to devote your life to the other completely.
In the army, to be in service is to devote your life completely to your country for your time in service. To serve the mafia, is to devote yourself completely to a life of organized crime. To devote your life to the street is to serve your most basic life functions only. (There's a difference between gangster and street.) There is no regular life after putting a price on someone's head and then redeeming it. Regular being relative to a life a virtuous citizen can expect to experience. To be in service is to put aside your own morals and values whatever they may be, to advance a cause, whatever it may be.
It's for this reason that I think the customer service industry is not serving the clientele. It's serving itself. Observe how unhappy the people are, or how happy they pretend to be (on the most part). That was my first clue.
People who are unhappy are usually forced to serve themselves. Serving yourself is usually for survival. When you serve someone else and they show their gratitude, you get a sense of accomplishment, unless you're serving yourself. When you start serving yourself and you survive, you get a sense of accomplishment. When you start serving yourself and there is no need for survival, that is called indulgence. The problem with indulgence is that it can only be satisfied with death or sickness (guilt is a form of sickness that pushes to mental resolutions or insanity, the death of one's reason). Indulgence was the fall of the Roman Empire.
Too much of a good thing (too much of anything) will kill you or make you sick. When you are sick, your body needs to survive and you start serving yourself before others. This is why heroin addicts become erratic. If you're not drug sick but just regular sick, you sleep longer than usual, try to eat feel good food, complain about life a little. Some men's dying wishes during the second world war was a cigarette. People that are unhappy and in realization of their own death start serving themselves. This is why coliseums were known to appease mobs. You didn't have to feed them as much to avoid a revolt, you just had to keep them entertained to an extreme, at the same time reminding them of the power of the state.
The second thing that led me to believe the service industry serves itself is because I worked in it for half a year so I could understand the ethics and functions of the industry. I wanted to do a full year but I had issues with the ethics of the place for both the clients and the employees. Not even sales, just company representation. More recently I watched a customer service team of reps in a physical location have a lineup of people and they seemed irresponsive to human eye contact. If anything they tried to pretend that what was on their phones was suddenly even more important than the previous time a customer made eye contact. Keeping busy is serving yourself. Until a person spoke up and said "hey!" they'd answer (in a slightly bothered tone), so they could go back to serving themselves, thus ultimately serving the customer to serve themselves. I don't know how to put this more simply.
The customer service industry is put in place so people feel like companies care about them. Churches are put in place so people feel like their god is at their service. If there is a divinity and it doesn't serve itself, it serves all of us.
With that logic, the air inside the atmosphere could be a divinity. It's a higher power we have a hard time controlling (go try to force a tornado to stop spinning), that serves all of life it encompasses, that is inside all of us and that allows us to live. By this definition, the air is a divinity no? The Sea?
No. Unless we agree that a divinity that serves everyone can't have a plan in the name of deviating from favoritism. Or else, a divinity needs a will of their own. A divinity needs a plan. If there is a divinity, there is a place to go since it has a plan and we aren't aware of the plan. If we were aware of a plan, we'd know where we are headed. To be unaware of something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. If this divinity loves what it creates, it would only mean that we can suffer as part of its plan.
So this is where I'm at in my religious beliefs. Either there is no god neither in hell on earth or in heaven in a seperate universe and that power is distributed between the occupants of these realms equally in heaven and disproportionately in hell.
Either there is one to multiple gods and that these gods serve themselves and give us the illusion of caring so we don't curse them (an egocentric divinity would take offense in the disdain from his own creations).
Either there is one to multiple deities and these gods serve us all equally in all the realms meaning these gods create without plan and exist without plan, they just are and always will be and do nothing on purpose or by accident, meaning these are random gods. (This last one would be the most scientific approach and what I'm basically saying is that I could worship a specific composition of nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide, neon, helium, krypton, hydrogen and natural gasses as one of many divinities that bring me random fortune and misfortune based on its existence. They don't care that they exist but we do because we are subjected to their laws and so them to ours, which contributes in the randomness of their existence). This would mean that hell would've had to be created by people, like prisons are created by people for people. People seek to control people, not nature.
This leads me to my last assumption. We first invented cages for animals and for slave transport. A cage is a tool of exploitation. You can't really exploit a human carcass. You take a person and you condition them to become slaves through fear, hardship and punishment. Hell has been invented so we can be better conditioned to the society we are headed for. We had to dehumanize people to keep them as slaves for so long after we realized what human exploitation did to a society. People in heaven do not look at us as their equals. People in heaven would then look at us like the ones who couldn't behave, like the bad ones that haven't learned yet. The ones that, since we didn't care about the suffering of others, should get a taste of our medicine before being allowed back out of the doghouse. Hell is a doghouse the people of heaven built for us to get sent to when we misbehave. Maybe there was a mean wolf in that doghouse once, something that ressembles the Christian Satan, but I think we've either tamed that beast or we've learnt to live with it. Either that or the heavenly community figured the doghouse itself was enough, without the wolf. Too much of anything will make you sick. Maybe the presence of evil in a humanoid form made people vindictive when they got to heaven. I think they might've took that wolf out of the doghouse after the dark ages. But now I'm just having fun in my speculations.
A god doesn't have to love what you have become to create you. <[A parent that loves their child unconditionally though are going to be more happy generally. So going by this logic, a divinity would be a sad divinity indeed, not furious, sad.] Or it loves us unconditionally, that we are in heaven or hell and so can't care more about us then the heavenly community. Like mixing an acid with a base in a way not to have any acid or base residue.
[Notes : May 25]

• we let ourselves be conditioned by our smartphones vibrating. Conditioning is not unethical just as long as the conditioned party gives consent. Children can't give consent and that's why it's okay to force them to go to school and get conditioned. <[Satire] The real question is, is an unconditioned society better than a conditioned one? As a provocative question, was aristocracy better than let's say, anarchy? Or is anarchy better because of everyone's freedom of choice? I'd say that yes we made up the rules, but nothing survives in society if it threatens to kill society, until the day society is killed by said thing. A body either fights an infection or it dies from it. So I think the rules we made up were meant to be shaped and reshaped, never entirely demolished. A lack of rules does not survive in society. Look at a complicated game. The one that understands all the rules has an immediate advantage. The one that doesn't play by the rules doesn't get to play for long, provided there aren't only two players. Monopoly power allows for easier rigs of the game, you know?
  
• can divinities have human feelings?
  
• can humans have divine feelings? Only if both are the same.
  
• can animals have human feelings? Or is fear a universal feeling? Is it universal to life on this planet or does any sentient being need to register danger and activate the proper chemicals to react in the best way possible? Bees will kamikaze but are they afraid while they do it or are they so afraid that they do it? <[Octopamine has some vague answers for you.]
  

[May 26, 2021]

I've heard your poem Let me reciprocate it Vos problèmes, dilemmes Got me deflated These aren't my issues Yous got me worried I hope you win Where you're headed. Find strength within A starts a start Don't keep it in Tears yous apart. Everyone was given something A voice, a heart We made up words Wrote pain in art. My opinion of you Is hope and desire To see this world Behave much better. I've never met a good soul That truly really goes cold When we start expressing Distressing realities its Repressing power's abilities Of holding grip n Running the strip. Good luck and please, Don't f*** em up. You're taking over industries Should be enough. Least for a start, gas needs a spark. You can use these words Without giving credit I just want to feel Like I didn't do nothing about it. This one goes to those I gave up on half way. The good Lord knows I've been a d***. 

We all need to be able to breathe in to breathe out words. This was censorship to justify what became a death penalty without trial. It doesn't matter the pigmentation, what they are confused about is where you come from. They assume your color gives them clues. Its a brain glitch. Like someone living in the suburbs doesn't want to help out at the shelter. They are afraid of I don't even know what, but they afraid. It's irrational and it's regressive. <[crossed out the day of we'll see you Friday. Artists are something.]
[Notes : May 26]

• Mieux vaut laisser le monde penser que t'est un idiot que d'ouvrir la bouche et de leurs prouver. <[K, traduction algorithmique Franco du poème est bizarre.]
  
• [my272021] the importance of art in society before Friday. Programming is like architecture; some is artful, some is practical. Language becomes more of an art form than a practical thing after a certain age. Art is what holds societies together and promote abstract thought, something important for progress. Imagine a world without art, without human placed color, without artificial noise. It would be a primitive world. It would be a preprimitive world at that; people have been painting on walls for a very long time, it's so hard wired into us that our kids naturally color walls. Speeches are a form of art that can carry people into action, or non-action. Art can also be a form of release for the aches of one's mind. It's also the most entertaining and lasting way to store information. Poets and storytellers would talk in rhyme because it was easier to remember and it is entertaining to the ears, meaning their stories were preserved much longer than : "omg me and my friends went hiking the other day". Art inspires, it's inspired the development of certain scientific concepts, it's an economic pillar wherever it thrives. Because it's not a practical skill often, the best are quite good, because they have to live off their art. Cooking is an artform if you know how to do it. A practical meal is a jolly thing but an artful presentation is a buffet for all the senses. Especially if something is still sizzling in your plate.
  
• to whoever on selfawarewolves that are posting memes instead of what other people have said on their media platforms, the irony almost made me fall out of my chair this morning. A meme is a piece of art.
  
• it also promotes tourism which is an enormously useful industry.
  
• banks can almost fabricate evidence.
  
• to be intelligent is to make up part of a minority. This is why you can't get angry at people for being dumb, because it's your fault if they don't understand you, they are the majority.
  
• to be intelligent is to be abnormally knowledgeable or able to solve problems, this is why you immediately become a minority. If you were average, you'd be part of a majority. Most people think in "what does the crowd like and what does the crowd dislike?" Basing their beliefs on what makes the most sense for them, ideologies that have to resonate with them, thenceforth the resolutions of majorities, who are not intellectuals. If everyone was an intellectual no one would harvest the grain. [my282021; no one would be intellectuals.]
  
• machines are not intellectuals because they have no possibility of ulterior motives.
  
• If machines were able to go beyond their functions, we'd be in trouble.
  
• if you want to sell more kevlar vests, make it a fashion statement. Convince everyone (or officials) they aren't safe without one. <[quit the videogames buddy.]
  
• If the wind blowing your hair messes it up, is that abuse? No, because wind is not conscious of the repercussions of its actions. So if wind was a god, it would be criminally insane.
  

[Notes : May 28]

• persuasion is the manipulation of the truth, never the manipulation of lies.
  
• to lower your enemies' morale, play on their mirror neurons.
  
• find weakness in dire desire.
  
• a country does not want you to desert your ranks, but wants the enemy to desert theirs.
  
• not insulting the enemy and winning is extremely destabilizing.
  
• you must deconstruct your own citizen's belief systems if enemy propaganda is successful. You must destroy culture in the name of preservation. A leader should never seem well fed. <[A tyrant should never seem well fed.]
  
• how to neutralize propaganda in any culture? "If you listen to them, we lose, if we lose, you won't have everything they promised you. I can lie to you, they can lie to you, you don't know anything, neither do I. If we win, I'll personally give you an adequate amount of anything the enemy has offered, within reason. I can't give you the moon but fight for me and we might reach it before the enemy. Remember, turning yourself in doesn't make you an ally, neither for them or for me. You're just making yourself everyone's enemy, including your friends who are still fighting for the right cause. You think the enemy respects deserters if they can't desert their own ranks? You won't sleep in a bed like theirs when it all blows over and you won't have the same opportunities as them. If you turn yourself in, we risk losing and the losers are never equals. If you fight for me, if we lose, you won't be alive to see it and if we win, I'll personally tear away from their grasping hands the taste of victory and respectfully place it in your palms. To me, we are all equal, we fight together, we die together. We cannot desert together though, that's just called a peace treaty. You trust me to call the shots, so take them only when I tell you too. Desertion is the death of your willpower. It's the death of self-respect."
  
• a war general should always be on the battlefield. That is the ultimate morale boost. Someone seemingly unfazed with the enemies' presence and the bony face of death.
  
• a high ranking officer should consider himself dead long before the battle is started.
  
• EMP broadcasts.
  
• CNS influencers can turn the skeptics into disciples. Drop containers of naturally occuring hallucinogens during brief times of peace. I don't know if this goes against the Geneva Conventions. They usually kick in slow, have a very long half-life and as long as they are ingesting them themselves, I'm not convinced it is entirely illegal. It's known to boost empathy and can induce psychosis. It also interferes with accurate sight. The desire to catch a break should push them to consume.
  
• be honest about the origin of your propaganda. Write it in your own language and their language. Humanize yourself in your enemies' eyes. Make them believe you just want what's best for everyone. That's usually why we go to war, for peace. <[needs to be reviewed]
  
• while fighting a virus, you can't send it propaganda to convince it to surrender. So the psychological warfare turns on its own people. An enemy that doesn't understand you won't care about your goals. An enemy that can understand you is forced to consider your goals.
  
• to anyone; don't take this seriously.
  
• ancient graves might've been cultural time capsules more than superstitious practices. Superstition might've been used to explain the practices to simple folks. Or simple folks came up with the superstitions afterwards.
  
• if there is a divinity that doesn't care what our beliefs are, but still want to help out, he/she/they would tailor their messages in ways that we could receive them, that we are Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, other or secular. It would mean that all religions receiving symbols could be right that the symbols came from a higher power; this higher power tailoring it's message to what humans can understand at the time of broadcasting.
  
• influencer in this document refers to something that suppresses or stimulates.
  
• fabricated evidence that is perceived as true becomes reality, no matter what actually happened. If everyone believes we've been on the moon, we've been on the moon, that we've been on the moon or not. History is biased to the winner. Maybe less with the internet. It's harder to burn servers. They're less flammable and surrounded by various kinds of fire retardants. Never forget that the enemy will paint themselves pretty and yourselves ugly. We do the same. It's called "justification". <[Refrain from talking about the moon.]
  

[Internet Detox Pilgrimage - May 29 to June Sometime*]

• I'm trying to advance this document so I can get a harvest from my work. Although I'm having lots of fun trying to post every day, the internet can be a toxic place so I'm going to get in touch with nature for a little while. Nature can be toxic too but I'd rather die out there than to go mad out of empathy for strangely pessimistic, cold, lost people.
  
• on that note : i think the Amish should invite people to join them for a week at a time so people can detox from internet's addiction (socializing is very 5htp). You learn a craft and do exercise (which is very dopamine), you help out their community a bit (oxytocin) and you get back in touch with nature (vibrations). Plus their religious beliefs can give you a new perspective on life, one that doesn't necessarily have to not jive with you. It's good to experience things. Plus a warm sun is never unwelcoming, unless you don't have water.
  
• I also need a break to meditate and watch where things are going so I can keep these notes semi-relevant. Shouldn't be long, Cep.
  

How to build and play Giorno Giovanna in D&D 5e
What Even is This?
Inspired by the Building Character series by D&D Youtuber Tulok the Barbrarian, this series of slides over the next few months will be devoted to showing you how to play the Jojos that we all know and love in your games. Most of all, this is basically a thank you to three of my favorite things. Thanks to Jojo for having introduced me to a wonderful universe of characters to love. Thanks to D&D for introducing me to a wonderful pastime and the world of homebrewing (Which you could find Here or Here). And thanks to Tulok for inspiring all this and entertaining numerous people with his builds. Thank you very much, and hope you enjoy!
The Plan
Over the next few months, both at the beginning and the end of each month, I plan to post a new D&D 5e build of each of the main Jojos. This will all lead up to April 4th, to the hopeful reveal of the Stone Ocean anime during the Jojo special event.
This will be a build for Giorno Giovanna, a Gang-star with a dream and one of the hardest builds I had to put together in building Jojos. Seriously, it took me weeks to try and figure out what Giorno would be, and hes definitely the odd one out when it comes to the Joestar bloodline. When in doubt, blame Dio.
Goals for this build
We need to be the life giver, healing our allies and also literally giving things life We need to be able to persuade people to join our cause and do one tiny little thing...Take over the freaking mafia We’re gonna try our best to reach the ultimate truth of Gold Experience Requiem, which is only part of what makes you so hard to build
Stats for this build
We’ll be using Point Buy this time for Giorno. There are a bunch of skills we need at a pretty decent level.
Charisma: 15 - You convince a group of hardened gangsters to join you against their old boss like 2 days after meeting them
Dexterity: 15 - Unlike Part 4 where everyone basically survived, everyone in Part 5 shoots to kill, so not getting hit would be for the best
Wisdom: 13 - You’re quick to perceive things and can easily read someone
Constitution: 12 - Having a positive modifier in your line of work is kind of a necessity
Strength: 8 - You are buff, but we’ll fix this with a few proficiencies
Intelligence: 8 - You make tons of big brain plays, but you taking on Diavolo’s gang is more bravado than anything else
Background for this build
For race, there isn’t a half vampire race in D&D, and even then you don’t have any traits from your Pops that lets you suck blood, so we’ll go with Variant Human.
Variant Humans get a feat, and you already know the feat if you read the previous builds I made. The Fighting Initiate feat lets you pick up a fighting style from the Fighter list, go for the Unarmed Fighting style. This will make your unarmed strikes deal 1d6 + your Strength modifier in bludgeoning damage, 1d8 when you aren’t wielding a weapon or shield, and you can deal 1d4 bludgeoning damage to a creature you have grappled at the start of your turn. You’re the son of both Jonathan and Dio and they both punch hard, it seems like a good fit.
For your two free ability points, pick up a +1 in both Charisma and Dexterity
For your free skill, pick up Persuasion to get along with the other gangsters...most of the other gangsters
Build your own background for Acrobatics to avoid some of the hitmen’s attacks and for Sleight of Hand because being a teenager with no money is just a sad time.
Issues with this build
Hoo boy, there are some issues with this build. Giorno is a complicated kid with even more complicated powers. At first I thought Shepard Druid was going to be the best bet, with what you do to Diavolo being Feeblemind and GER being Shapechange. However, what you do to Diavolo is closer to Imprisonment which is only accessible to warlocks and wizards. Another problem is the fact that spells such as Conjure Animals and Plant Growth, which are kinda necessary for you since they are your bread and butter, aren’t available to those classes. Another fact is that we kinda need a lot of skills to build Giorno properly. There is a class where we can get the necessary spells, skills and everything else. It just requires us to get a bit weird.
1st Level
Kick things off as a Bard. You easily charm people, and you have a wonky set of spells, those are very bard things to do. 1st level bards get 3 proficiencies in bard skills AKA the entire skill list. Pick up Perception and Insight to notice everything and best read people and Deception to try and lie, although I don’t know if this hides the taste of a liar.
Bard's signature ability is Bardic Inspiration, which lets you give a d6 to a creature other than you with 60 feet as a bonus action. Within the next 10 minutes, the creature can roll the die and add the number rolled to one ability check, attack roll, or saving throw it makes. The creature can wait until after it rolls the d20 before deciding to use the Bardic Inspiration die, but must decide before the DM says whether the roll succeeds or fails. Once the Bardic Inspiration die is rolled, it is lost. A creature can have only one Bardic Inspiration die at a time. You can use this feature a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier and regain any expended uses when you finish a long rest. Have Gold Experience play the piano to help out you and your friends.
You can also learn spells at this level, and you learn new spells at different levels. Mage Hand is a cantrip that summons a spectral hand within 30 feet. It lasts for 1 minute or until you dismiss it as an action, or it vanishes if it is ever more than 30 feet away from you or if you cast this spell again. You can use it as an action to manipulate an object, open an unlocked door or container, stow or retrieve an item from an open container, or pour the contents out of a vial, but you can’t attack with it, activate magic items, or carry more than 10 pounds. You can move it up to 30 feet each time you use it. Vicious Mockery forces a creature within 60 feet to make a Wisdom saving throw, taking 1d4 psychic damage and having disadvantage on their next attack before the end of it’s turn on a failure. Just rattle on about having a dream. Cure Wounds is a 1st level spell that lets a creature you touch regains a number of hit points equal to 1d8 + your spellcasting ability modifier, letting you put a bit of life energy through someone to heal them a bit. Unseen Servant summons a Medium force that springs into existence in an unoccupied space on the ground within 60 feet. It has an AC of 10, 1 hit point, and a Strength of 2, and it can't attack. If it drops to 0 hit points or is more than 60 feet away, or a minute passes, the spell ends. As a bonus action, you can mentally command the servant to move up to 15 feet and interact with an object. The servant can perform simple tasks that a human servant could do. Once you give the command, the servant performs the task to the best of its ability until it completes the task, then waits for your next command. Hopefully Gold Experience is fine with being a butler for just a little bit. Feather Fall lets up to five falling creatures within 60 feet slow their rate of descent to 60 feet per round until 1 minute passes. If the creature lands before the spell ends, it takes no falling damage and can land on its feet, and the spell ends for that creature. I would possibly flavor this as you creating trees to help catch your friends from falling. Earth Tremor causes each creature other than you in a 10 foot radius centered on yourself to make a Dexterity saving throw, taking 1d6 bludgeoning damage on a failure and is knocked prone. If the ground in that area is loose earth or stone, it becomes difficult terrain until cleared, with each 5-foot-diameter portion requiring at least 1 minute to clear by hand. Turn some of the stones in the ground into roots, fish, whatever you’d like, the spells you cast are only limited by how you can explain Gold Experience doing it.
2nd Level
Let's take a quick dip to Monk. 1st level monks get Unarmored Defense, which gives you an AC of 10 + your Dexterity modifier + your Wisdom modifier while you aren’t wearing any armor or using a shield, your clothes are eccentric but not what I would say qualifies as armor
While you aren’t wearing armor or a shield, you also get Martial Arts, You can use Dexterity instead of Strength for the attack and damage rolls of your unarmed strikes and monk weapons (which are shortswords or simple melee weapons without the two-handed or heavy properties). You can also make an unarmed strike as a bonus action when you take the Attack action with an unarmed strike or monk weapon. Your unarmed strikes and monk weapons would also be a 1d4 at this level, but they should already be a 1d8. I will be totally honest, you will definitely get better damaging options, however there are spells in the future that we’ll get that will make these punches even better for the best beatdowns in the whole series. Unfortunately we can’t get the 7-page muda as easily as we could for Jotaro, but we will get it.
3rd Level
Now back over to bard. 2nd level bards get Jack of All Trades, which lets you add half your proficiency bonus to skills you don’t have proficiency in. Giorno is honestly a little good at everything so this tracks. You also get Song of Rest, which lets you and any friendly creatures regain hit points at the end of a short rest by spending one or more Hit Dice, each of those creatures regains an extra 1d6 hit points. The whole of Golden Wind occurs over like a week and a half, so any healing is helpful.
For this level’s spell, Sleep lets you roll 5d8; the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Creatures within 20 feet of a point you choose 90 feet are affected in ascending order of their current hit points (ignoring unconscious creatures). Starting with the creature that has the lowest current hit points, each creature affected by this spell falls unconscious until the spell ends, the sleeper takes damage, or someone uses an action to shake or slap the sleeper awake. Subtract each creature's hit points from the total before moving on to the creature with the next lowest hit points. A creature's hit points must be equal to or less than the remaining total for that creature to be affected. Undead and creatures immune to being charmed aren't affected by this spell. I see this as Gold Experience creating a sleeping plant? You’re a smart kid, you probably know something that could do this.
4th Level
3rd level bards get Expertise in two skills of your choice, which let you double your proficiency in those skills, Persuasion and Perception are my picks for you to see who would be the best for your rival gang and to be able to persuade them to help you.
You also get to pick a College at this level, College of Lore is best for the wide variety of skills you get. You get Bonus Proficiencies in 3 skills of your choice, I recommend Survival, Nature, and Intimidation to round off the skills to be as close to Giorno as you can. You also get Cutting Words at this level, which lets you use your reaction to roll a use of your Bardic Inspiration, subtracting that amount from a creature’s attack, ability check, or damage roll while within 60 feet. You can choose to use this feature after the creature makes its roll, but before the DM determines whether the attack roll or ability check succeeds or fails, or before the creature deals its damage. The creature is immune if it can’t hear you or if it’s immune to being charmed. Have Gold Experience turn a part of the enemy’s sword into a sunflower for a second, and make sure to support your team.
You also learn 2nd level spells at this level. Phantasmal Force is technically an illusion but for a 1v1 that you frequently face, it might as well be reality. You force a creature within 60 feet to make an Intelligence saving throw. On a failed save, you create a phantasmal object, creature, or other visible phenomenon of your choice that is no larger than a 10-foot cube and that is perceivable only to the target for 1 minute or until you lose concentration. This spell has no effect on undead or constructs. The phantasm includes sound, temperature, and other stimuli, also evident only to the creature. The target can use its action to examine the phantasm with an Intelligence (Investigation) check against your spell save DC. If the check succeeds, the target realizes that the phantasm is an illusion, and the spell ends. While a target is affected by the spell, the target treats the phantasm as if it were real. The target rationalizes any illogical outcomes from interacting with the phantasm. An affected target is so convinced of the phantasm’s reality that it can even take damage from the illusion. A phantasm created to appear as a creature can attack the target. Similarly, a phantasm created to appear as fire, a pool of acid, or lava can burn the target. Each round on your turn, the phantasm can deal 1d6 psychic damage to the target if it is in the phantasm’s area or within 5 feet of the phantasm, provided that the illusion is of a creature or hazard that could logically deal damage, such as by attacking. The target perceives the damage as a type appropriate to the illusion. This is a really good general spell for you in the various 1v1s you face, summon whatever you think is helpful to do some more damage.
5th Level
4th level bards get an Ability Score Improvement to increase ability scores or pick up a feat. I’m actually going to recommend taking the Resilient feat and picking Constitution as your ability score, increasing it by 1 and gaining proficiency in Constitution saving throws, which include concentration saving throws to try and keep spells up as long as you can.
For this level’s spell, Hold Person is a 2nd level spell that forces a creature within 60 feet to make a Wisdom saving throw, being paralyzed on a failure for 1 minute or until you lose concentration. At the end of each of its turns, the target can make another Wisdom saving throw. On a success, the spell ends on the target. This is great for punchers like you, Bruno, and Fugo, because any attacks made within 5 feet of a paralyzed target are critical hits dealing double damage. So unfortunately Mista and Narancia don’t benefit from this… sad times.
6th Level
5th level bards get Font of Inspiration, which lets you regain your Bardic Inspiration uses on a short or long rest now. So don’t be stingy with helping your friends or dissing your enemies, maybe call them a low life before beating them to a pulp? Your Bardic Inspiration die also bumps up to a d8 at this level.
You can also learn 3rd level spells at this level. Slow is a 3rd level spell that lets you send enemies' brains into overdrive, moving faster than their bodies. Up to six creatures of your choice in a 40-foot cube within 120 feet must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or be affected by this spell for 1 minute or until you lose concentration. An affected target's speed is halved, it takes a −2 penalty to AC and Dexterity saving throws, and it can't use reactions. On its turn, it can use either an action or a bonus action, not both. Regardless of the creature's abilities or magic items, it can't make more than one melee or ranged attack during its turn. If the creature attempts to cast a spell with a casting time of 1 action, roll a d20. On an 11 or higher, the spell doesn't take effect until the creature's next turn, and the creature must use its action on that turn to complete the spell. If it can't, the spell is wasted. A creature affected by this spell makes another Wisdom saving throw at the end of each of its turns. On a successful save, the effect ends for it. This is a great way to ruin an enemy’s day. What would happen if you overloaded Diavolo’s brain with life energy while he uses Epitaph?
7th Level
6th level Lore bards is why we went with this subclass, for Additional Magical Secrets, the prequel ability to Magical Secrets. This lets you pick two spells to learn from any class’s spell lists and they count as bard spells for you, however they have to be a level you can cast. Summon Beast is a 2nd level spell which lets you summon a beastial spirit of either the Land, Air, or Sea in an unoccupied space within 90 feet. This spirit uses the Bestial Spirit stat block which you can find in the spell. The creature disappears when it drops to 0 hit points, when the spell ends in 1 hour, or if you lose concentration. The creature is an ally and in combat, the creature shares your initiative count, but it takes its turn immediately after yours. It obeys your verbal commands and if you don’t issue any, it takes the Dodge action. Check out the spell for more info on it. Conjure Animal is a 3rd level spell that will absolutely destroy any DM and the initiative. You summon beasts and appear in unoccupied spaces within 60 feet. You can summon either one beast of challenge rating 2 or lower, two beasts of challenge rating 1 or lower, four beasts of challenge rating 1/2 or lower, or eight beasts of challenge rating 1/4 or lower. Each beast is considered fey, and it disappears when it drops to 0 hit points, when the spell ends in an hour, or when you lose concentration. The creatures are friendly to you and your companions. Roll initiative for the creatures as a group, which has its own turns. They obey verbal commands that you issue to them and If you don't issue commands, they defend themselves from hostile creatures, but otherwise take no actions. The spell says that the DM has the stats for the animal you pick but honestly? They probably don’t, so be a nice guy and bring stats.
For this level’s normal bard spell you can learn, Plant Growth is a 3rd level spell that you can cast in two ways. If you cast this spell using 1 action, choose a point within 150 feet. All normal plants in a 100-foot radius centered on that point become thick and overgrown. A creature moving through the area must spend 4 feet of movement for every 1 foot it moves. You can exclude one or more areas of any size within the spell's area from being affected. If you cast this spell over 8 hours, all plants in a half-mile radius centered on a point within 150 feet become enriched for 1 year. The plants yield twice the normal amount of food when harvested. Maybe this is how you make tons of money after ending Passione’s drug trade. Fertilizer business babeyyyyy.
8th Level
7th level bards can learn 4th level spells. Phantasmal Killer is a 4th level spell that is an upgraded version of Phantasmal Force. A target within 120 feet must make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the target becomes frightened for 1 minute or if you lose concentration. At the end of each of the target's turns before the spell ends, the target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or take 4d10 psychic damage. On a successful save, the spell ends. For now, I think this would be the best way to recreate the 7-page muda. Think about it, Cioccolata was definitely frightened of you, and if this spell lasts for the full duration you would do 40d10 damage over the course of 10 rounds.
9th Level
8th level bards get an Ability Score Improvement, bump up your Charisma for better spell save DCs and Persuasion checks.
For this level’s spell, Glyph of Warding is a 3rd level spell that lets you inscribe a glyph either on a surface or within an object that can be closed to conceal the glyph. The glyph can cover an area no larger than 10 feet in diameter. If the surface or object is moved more than 10 feet from where you cast this spell, the glyph is broken, and the spell ends without being triggered. The glyph is nearly invisible and requires a successful Intelligence (Investigation) check against your spell save DC to be found. You decide what triggers the glyph when you cast the spell, and can further refine the trigger so the spell activates only under certain circumstances or according to physical characteristics, creature kind, or alignment. You can also set conditions for creatures that don’t trigger the glyph, such as those who say a certain password. The most in character use for you is the spell glyph, which lets you store a prepared spell of 3rd level or lower in the glyph by casting it as part of creating the glyph. The spell must target a single creature or area. The spell being stored has no immediate effect when cast in this way. When the glyph is triggered, the stored spell is cast. If the spell has a target, it targets the creature that triggered the glyph. If the spell affects an area, the area is centered on that creature. If the spell summons hostile creatures or creates harmful objects or traps, they appear as close as possible to the intruder and attack it. If the spell requires concentration, it lasts until the end of its full duration. You could also set up explosive runes, which when triggered, each creature in a 20-foot-radius sphere centered on the glyph (spreads around corners) must make a Dexterity saving throw. A creature takes 5d8 acid, cold, fire, lightning, or thunder damage on a failed saving throw (your choice when you create the glyph), or half as much damage on a successful one. Honestly though, set up a Hold Person or Phantasmal Killer with the spell glyph for those big brain plays that Giorno is famous for.
10th Level
9th level bards have their Song of Rest bumped up to d8, however the biggest thing at this level is you can learn 5th level spells. Animate Objects is a perfect spell for you, albeit with a little Fieri-ing. Choose up to ten nonmagical objects within 120 feet that are not being worn or carried. Medium targets count as two objects, Large targets count as four objects, Huge targets count as eight objects. You can't animate any object larger than Huge. Each target animates and becomes a creature under your control until the spell ends, is reduced to 0 hit points, or you lose concentration. As a bonus action, you can mentally command any creature you made with this spell if the creature is within 500 feet of you (if you control multiple creatures, you can command any or all of them at the same time, issuing the same command to each one). You decide what action the creature will take and where it will move during its next turn, or you can issue a general command. If you issue no commands, the creature only defends itself against hostile creatures. Once given an order, the creature continues to follow it until its task is complete. An animated object is a construct with AC, hit points, attacks, Strength, and Dexterity determined by its size. Its Constitution is 10 and its Intelligence and Wisdom are 3, and its Charisma is 1. Its speed is 30 feet; if the object lacks legs or other appendages, it instead has a flying speed of 30 feet and can hover. If the object is securely attached to a surface or a larger object, its speed is 0. It has blindsight with a radius of 30 feet and is blind beyond that distance. When the animated object drops to 0 hit points, it reverts to its original object form, and any remaining damage carries over to its original object form. If you command an object to attack, it can make a single melee attack against a creature within 5 feet of it. It makes a slam attack with an attack bonus and bludgeoning damage determined by its size. The GM might rule that a specific object inflicts slashing or piercing damage based on its form. I would absolutely flavor this as making the objects into animals, as really that only changes the appearance of it. When I think of Gold Experience, this is probably the closest you’ll get...GER soon.
11th Level
10th level bards is a big one. Your Bardic Inspiration die is now a d10 for helping Mista with his shots, Bruno with his speeches, Fugo with his...leaving. You also get Expertise in two more skills, honestly feel free to go with whatever you’d like, you can make a good case for any of them.
You also get the first actual incident of Magical Secrets here. Revivify is a 3rd level spell that lets you revive a creature that died of anything but old age within the last minute and bring it back with 1 hp, this is the best we’ll get because you were kinda lucky to get Bruno in time, and even then it wasn’t exactly reviving him but hush now. Hold Monster is a 5th level spell that is like Hold Person but without the humanoid restriction, meaning you could try to trap whatever Notorious BIG in some strong roots. Probably not though, that stand is pretty busted.
12th Level
11th level spells can learn 6th level spells. Heroes’ Feast is a 6th level spell that lets you create a feast over 10 minutes that takes 1 hour to consume and disappears at the end of that time, and the beneficial effects don't set in until this hour is over. Up to twelve creatures can partake of the feast. A creature that partakes of the feast is cured of all diseases and poison, becomes immune to poison and being frightened, makes all Wisdom saving throws with advantage, its hit point maximum also increases by 2d10, and it gains the same number of hit points. These benefits last for 24 hours. I’m sure if Bruno’s gang had a 1,000 dollar gem-encrusted bowl, they would have you create a feast. Lord knows Mista’s Sex Pistols would probably beg you to do that
13th Level
12th level bards get an Ability Score Improvement. Cap off your Charisma modifier for literally everything that’s tied to Gold Experience besides just punching.
For this level’s spell, Greater Restoration is a 5th level spell that does a whole lot. When you touch a creature, you can reduce their exhaustion level by one, end one effect that charmed or petrified them, end one curse, including attunement to a cursed magic item, end any reduction to one of the target's ability scores, or end one effect reducing the target's hit point maximum. Like literally everything in this build, reflavor this as giving replacement pieces to your friends and whatnot.
14th Level
13th level bard’s have their Song of Rest increase to d10, for a bit better healing on a rest.
You also can learn 7th level spells at this level, Regenerate is your go to fix for your friends, letting you touch a creature giving it 4d8 + 15 hit points. For 1 hour, it regains 1 hit point at the start of each of its turns (10 hit points each minute). Any severed body members are restored after 2 minutes. If you have the severed part and hold it to the stump, the spell instantaneously causes the limb to knit to the stump. This is what you and Mista were doing at the end of the White Album arc...yeah, “healing”.
15th Level
14th level Lore bards get Peerless Skill, which lets you expend a use of your Bardic Inspiration, adding the number rolled on the die to an ability check you make. You can choose to do so after you roll the die for the ability check, but before the DM tells you whether you succeed or fail.
You also get Magical Secrets 2, Electric Boogaloo. Tenser’s Transformation is a 6th level spell that basically makes you a fighter. As a bonus action, you gain the following benefits: You gain 50 temporary hit points, which are lost when the spell ends, you have advantage on attack rolls that you make with simple and martial weapons, when you hit a target with a weapon attack, that target takes an extra 2d12 force damage, you have proficiency with all armor, shields, simple weapons, and martial weapons, you have proficiency in Strength and Constitution saving throws, and you can attack twice, instead of once, when you take the Attack action on your turn. You do have to make a DC 15 Constitution saving throw when this spell ends in 10 minutes or if you lose concentration, gaining a level of exhaustion on a failure. However, you have proficiency in Constitution saving throws thanks to Resilient, so go out there and beat the crap out of scum. Plane Shift is a 7th level spell that lets you and up to eight of your friends to teleport to a different plane of existence, either going somewhere in a general sense or to a teleportation circle you know of. Alternatively, you could make a melee spell attack against a creature, forcing them to make a Charisma saving throw on a hit. If the creature fails this save, it is transported to a random location on the plane of existence you specify. A creature so transported must find its own way back to your current plane of existence. This is one we get a form of the infinite death loop power of GER, but we’ll get more in a bit.
16th Level
15th level bards have their Bardic Inspiration die increase to a d12, for better skills, support, and jabs at your enemy.
You also learn 8th level spells at this level. Feeblemind is an 8th level spell that forces a target within 120 feet to take 4d6 psychic damage and make an Intelligence saving throw. On a failure, the creature's Intelligence and Charisma scores become 1. The creature can't cast spells, activate magic items, understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. The creature can, however, identify its friends, follow them, and even protect them. At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against this spell. If it succeeds on its saving throw, the spell ends. The spell can also be ended by Greater Restoration, Heal, or Wish. This spell is brutal, and a fun to make Diavolo’s life even worse.
17th Level
16th level bards get an Ability Score Improvement, bump up your Dexterity for better punches and AC, getting hit is not great when everyone in the gang besides like 5 people wants you dead.
18th Level
17th level bards have their Song of Rest bump up to a d12, which is good for getting a little bit more shut eye.
You can also learn 9th level spells. True Polymorph lets you choose one creature or nonmagical object within 30 feet letting you transform the creature into a different creature, the creature into a nonmagical object, or the object into a creature (the object must be neither worn nor carried by another creature). The spell lasts for the duration, or until the target drops to 0 hit points or dies. If you concentrate on this spell for the full 1 hour duration, the spell lasts until it is dispelled. This spell has no effect on a shapechanger or a creature with 0 hit points. An unwilling creature can make a Wisdom saving throw, and if it succeeds, it isn't affected by this spell. I recommend the Object into Creature option, which lets you turn an object into any kind of creature, as long as the creature's size is no larger than the object's size and the creature's challenge rating is 9 or lower. The creature is friendly to you and your companions. It acts on each of your turns. You decide what action it takes and how it moves. If the spell becomes permanent, you no longer control the creature. It might remain friendly to you, depending on how you have treated it. You could use this spell to turn yourself into a powerful creature to recreate Gold Experience Requiem, the best fitting option would probably be a planetar, but we’re gonna get a better option for this next level.
19th Level
18th level bard’s get our last Magical Secrets, and here we get the full power of the Requiem Arrow. Wish lets you do basically anything. You can copy a spell effect of 8th level or lower instantly cast a spell with needing the necessary components, or you can just wish for anything else. However, this causes you each time you cast a spell until you finish a long rest to take 1d10 necrotic damage per level of that spell. This damage can't be reduced or prevented in any way. In addition, your Strength drops to 3, if it isn't 3 or lower already, for 2d4 days. For each of those days that you spend resting and doing nothing more than light activity, your remaining recovery time decreases by 2 days. And there is a 33% chance you can’t cast this spell again, as well cunning Monkey’s Paw situations to occur from your DM. But I think that’s well worth it for the ability to literally change the fabric of reality. As for what you did to Diavolo, there's a spell for that...technically...with a bit of flavoring. Demiplane is an 8th level spell that lets you create a shadowy door on a flat solid surface that you can see within 60 feet that lasts for an hour. The door is large enough to allow Medium creatures to pass through unhindered. When opened, the door leads to a demiplane that appears to be an empty room 30 feet in each dimension, made of wood or stone. When the spell ends, the door disappears, and any creatures or objects inside the demiplane remain trapped there, as the door also disappears from the other side. Each time you cast this spell, you can create a new demiplane, or have the shadowy door connect to a demiplane you created with a previous casting of this spell. Additionally, if you know the nature and contents of a demiplane created by a casting of this spell by another creature, you can have the shadowy door connect to its demiplane instead. So if Diavolo is unwilling to surrender, just yeet him into an eternal death demiplane with GER. And if your DM says there isn’t a Demiplane that does that? Use Wish to create that demiplane. You have the power of God and Anime on your side now.
20th Level
19th level bards get our last Ability Score Improvement, cap off your Dexterity for the best punches we can get and better AC, I know it’s a bit anticlimactic after last level but you got Wish last level, what did you expect?
Pros and Cons
Pros:
You have a diverse range of spells, making you very hard to predict
You are very skilled, with expertise in a handful and Jack of All Trades to round off any skills you don’t have proficiency with
You have the ability to just Wish something out of existence or really whatever you feel like
Cons:
Your AC isn’t capped, which means you’ll be hit with several attacks and Diavolo hits hard
You have an average of 123 hp, meaning you don’t need to get hit much in order to go down
Even though you have proficiency in Constitution saving throws and such concentration saving throws, you can only concentrate on one of the many concentration spells you have at a time.
But hey, remember all those spells where you can basically shut down a creature like nothing? Use Gold Experience to stop them in place, support your allies, and be the chosen one of the Requiem Arrow when it comes time, stopping Diavolo from reaching the truth. Just make sure to be the emotional support for your friends as well as the physical support, it’s been a LONNNNGGG week.

I’ve been trying for quite some time not to say anything about Oddity’s corrupt misdeeds for fear of lending them undue credence. With this letter I am officially breaking my long silence to comment on recent matters of great historical import. But before I continue, allow me to explain that Oddity likes complaints that lead an active disinformation campaign. Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I’d say that it is naïve to expect its faction to drift naturally toward some sort of moral center. It will not. It has not. And, as we all know, Oddity relies heavily on useful idiots, that is, people who unwittingly do Oddity’s dirty work for it. Without its swarms of useful idiots, Oddity would not have been able to conceal the fact that its previous favorite activity was to make everyone agree to a specific, deeply political set of beliefs about how race, culture, class, and gender play out in our society. It has since upped its game to include destroying all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. This shows how Oddity is always probing, pushing, trying to see what it can get away with, how far it can go, how much the system will tolerate. We mustn’t let it get away with any more and instead must stimulate honorable, thoughtful, and practical action. I hope and pray for success in that endeavor. Without decisive action, though, hope and prayer will not deliver us. We must therefore investigate the real story behind Oddity’s perorations. We must search for the truth, find the facts, and convey the message that Oddity’s excuse after getting caught silencing people who utter thoughts that contradict its opuscula was, But they did it first!. That’s not a real excuse. That’s merely proof that I want to give people more information about Oddity, help them digest and assimilate and understand that information, and assist them in drawing responsible conclusions from it. Here’s one conclusion I surely hope people draw: Oddity seems to assume that we’re supposed to shut up and smile when it says irresponsible, merciless things. This is an assumption of the worst kind because it exists in an intellectual Badlands. Oddity is not only anesthetic to objective fact but is its violent enemy. Objective fact annoys and irritates it. It sweeps it away as something somehow evil, disregarding the fact that it says that national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever its institutional interests are at stake. Although Oddity definitely cut that statement out of whole cloth, it’s unnerving to imagine the workings of the warped minds that seriously believe that people don’t mind having their communities turned into war zones. I should point out that all of Oddity’s legatees do seriously believe that. Perhaps that’s because if Oddity were as bright as it thinks it is, it’d know that we have a choice between two different visions of our future. Oddity’s vision is militant, phlegmatic, and based on the idea that everything it says is completely and thoroughly true. The other vision is hopeful, generous, and confident in the knowledge that Oddity and its yes-men have put in place the largest and most effective blacklist in the history of our country. The purpose of this blacklist is to rid various strategic organizations of Oddity’s reproachers and any other independent-minded people who might interfere with Oddity’s designs. While such activities are merely the first step towards opening the gates of Hell, no matter how bad you think Oddity’s convictions are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. What’s scary is that support for Oddity’s yawping, stupid epigrams is spreading like a prairie fire among jaded, linguacious vagabonds. I don’t know why that is, but I do know that I am reminded of the quote, Its nettlesome, uncivilized exhortations are premised on the thesis that its vices are the only true virtues—as though that were an established truth. This comment is not as tyrannical as it seems because we ought to ponder the lessons and examples of the 19th century’s abolitionist movement. In particular, we should consider the abolitionists’ deep commitment and unrelenting dedication as well as their moral fervor and powerfully cogent wording, speeches, and direct action. I propose we expand upon those and make the associated lessons and guidelines usable in today’s world, emphasizing that it would be great if all of us could discuss, openly and candidly, a vision for a harmonious, multiracial society. In the end, however, money talks and you-know-what walks. Perhaps that truism also explains why Oddity can’t possibly believe that everyone with a different set of beliefs from its is going to get a one-way ticket to Hell. It’s vagarious but it’s not that vagarious.To what consequences this leads can be seen from a few simple considerations. First of all, we must truly play an essential role in the struggle against entrenched class, race, and gender hierarchies of privilege and power. A compossible option is to improve the physical and spiritual quality of life for the population at present and for those yet to come. If we follow that approach, however, we must bear in mind that a central point of Oddity’s belief systems is the notion that human beings should be appraised by the number of things and the amount of money they possess instead of by their internal value and achievements. Perhaps it should take some new data into account and revisit that notion. I think it’d find that whenever someone accuses it of quashing other people’s opinions, its one-size-fits-all response is that its boastful, careless cabal is a benign and charitable agency. This galimatias should make you realize that I will never give up. I will never stop trying. And I will use every avenue possible to promote a more enriching, inclusive, and equitable community for all members. One might argue that it would be better instead to keep the faith, but bear in mind that Oddity labels anyone it doesn’t like as boisterous. That might well be a better description of it.To those malicious, waspish bottom-feeders who think that caciquism is the key to world peace, know this: I overheard one of Oddity’s backers say, Oddity is the ultimate authority on what’s right and what’s wrong. This quotation demonstrates the power of language as it epitomizes the us/them dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to communicate to people that I like to call Oddity’s brethren argumentative, aggressive dirtbags. This is a loaded phrase, and I use it deliberately and advisedly. I use it primarily because it’s the best way to convey that reality has just dealt another harsh blow to the alternative narrative that Oddity has constructed around its story that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do. It is now evident to just about everyone that some meretricious kleptocrats actually profess that Oddity is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of insincere stuffed shirts. This is the kind of muddled thinking that Oddity is encouraging with its asseverations. Even worse, all those who raise their voice against this brainwashing campaign are denounced as larcenous, self-deceiving blaguers.Though I am not a proponent of conflict, Oddity’s camp has its own, unethical slogan. That slogan is, Cast dissent as treason and criticism as espionage. What this slogan lacks in wit, it makes up for in its ability to undermine liberty in the name of liberty. Do I have any proof that Oddity intends to inculcate adversarial publications in a heartbeat? No. Do I need any proof? Ha! Given Oddity’s prior attempts to prop up corrupt despots around the world I think it’s fairly safe to say that it says that it needs a little more time to clean up its act. As far as I’m concerned, its time has run out.I have a message for all you lazy cunctators out there: Get off your behinds and start insisting on a policy of zero tolerance toward infantilism. Why is it so important to do that? Because you should be able to live your life the way you want to live it. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of Oddity forcing its moral code on the rest of us. It aims at nothing less than the complete overthrow of capitalism, representational government, and democracy. Enough said. I once pointed out to it that it is always trying to worm its way into everything. All I could garner from its ensuing mussitation was some nonsense about how it is a voice of probity. It’s this sort of pretentious response that leads me to believe that it seems clear that Oddity’s loathsome reinterpretations of historic events serve as a stark reminder that Oddity’s simplistic, bumper-sticker-like quotes about gangsterism lead many amoral, crazy cult leaders to believe that the entire modern world is morally decrepit and degenerate and that only Oddity can set things right. But we ought to look at the matter in a broader framework before we draw final conclusions on the subject: We see that the reason Oddity wants to outrage the very sensibilities of those who value freedom and fairness is that it’s absolutely apolaustic. If you believe you have another explanation for its mordacious, procacious behavior, then please write and tell me about it.Although I’m trying desperately hard to express my opinion of Oddity without using expletives, I’m afraid I do have to say that it does not content itself with defying the law of the land. Rather, Oddity seeks to stab us in the back. If it does, that will be the end of the general public knowing that I welcome its comments. However, it needs to realize that it wants to be the arbiter of all behavior. Pursuing a contumelious, irrational agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever: allowed. Changing the direction in which our society is headed: utterly forbidden. Provoking terrible, total, universal, and merciless destruction: no problem. Analyzing Oddity’s reports in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion: probably deserving of a prison term.Furthermore, we must mobilize the public. We must get people to clear the cobwebs out of people’s heads and help them understand that I, not being an inimical, prissy mountebank, must defend my honor. The significance of doing so is that it frequently accuses its hecklers of selling us into a lifetime of servitude. This is yet another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the nocuous to the foolhardy and even unctuous. In a more proper debate, one would instead politely point out that Oddity shouldn’t plant strife and chaos. That’s just plain common sense. Of course, the people who appreciate its manuscripts are those who eagerly root up common sense, prominently hold it out, and decry it as poison with astonishing alacrity.On the other hand, Oddity has been offering stones instead of bread to the emotional and spiritual hungers of the world. If there were any semblance of decency left in its coven that ought to be an affront to it. Sadly, that’s a big if; we all know that I call upon Oddity to stop its oppression, lies, immorality, and debauchery. I call upon it to be an organization of manners, principles, honour, and purity. And finally, I call upon it to forgo its desire to destabilize society. Some critics have called it vain. A handful insist it’s brash. Oddity’s apocrisiaries, on the other hand, consider it to be one of the great minds of this century.When Oddity first announced that it wanted to needle and wheedle perennially bossy chuckleheads into its sodality of sullen, fastidious agrestics, I nearly choked on my own stomach bile. Allow me to explain. I have a practical plan for improving the state of education in this country. I propose that we get knowledgeable and well-trained teachers, equip them with syllabi filled with challenging texts and materials, and have them teach students that Oddity’s lies come in many forms. Some of its lies are in the form of strictures. Others are in the form of obloquies. Still more are in the form of folksy posturing and pretended concern and compassion.For brevity, I won’t comment further on that but rather on the way that by rubbing salt into our wounds, Oddity is telegraphing its intentions to dominate the whole earth and take possession of all its riches. Rhetoric aside, it isn’t enough for it to cure the evil of discrimination with more discrimination. It adds insult to injury by asserting that censorship could benefit us. Isn’t it true that it harbors all sorts of stereotypes, prejudices, hatreds, and other dark mental cargo about other organizations? If that’s not true, tell me why not. It can blame me for the influx of snooty voluptuaries if it makes it feel better, but it won’t help its cause any. In closing, we must work together to delegitimize Oddity. Together, we can make a difference. Forever and always.

It is imperative that I give you the following information, which Oddity wants concealed from the public. With this letter, I hope to recall the ideals of compassion, nonviolence, community, and cooperation. But first, I would like to make the following introductory remark: My only wonder is, Why in tunket does Oddity want to manipulate everything and everybody? Maybe what I’m asking, as much of myself as of anyone else, is whether we’re willing, finally, to detonate a cluster bomb of truth to obliterate Oddity’s lies. If so, then perhaps Oddity uses gangsterism to replace law and order with anarchy and despotism. That’s the large elephant in the room that nobody ever talks about. Nevertheless, I certainly profess that people really ought to start talking about it because then they’d realize that there exists a popular stereotype that Oddity’s hatchet men are insipid, depraved hoddypeaks. There is indeed some truth to that stereotype. Consider, for example, how there is an unpleasant fact, painful to the tender-minded, that one can deduce from the laws of nature. This fact is also conclusively established by direct observation. It is a fact so obvious that rational people have always known it and no one doubted it until Oddity and its cronies started trying to deny it. The fact to which I am referring states that the first response to this from Oddity’s idolators is perhaps that the media should create news rather than report it. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: The objection may still be raised that divine ichor flows through Oddity’s veins. At first glance this sounds almost believable yet the following must be borne in mind: If you were to unpack and analyze the philosophical assumptions behind Oddity’s claim that serfdom and slavery do not represent oppression unless the serfs or the slaves themselves articulate that oppression, you would find that when it was recently asked if it plans to remove society’s moral barriers and allow perversion to prosper, it immediately changed the subject and started talking instead about how its epigrams surpass most intellectual discourse in terms of the cogency of what they promote and the morality of their implications. Is that the reaction of an innocent organization? It is not. That’s why it’s so important that we change the tetchy paradigm that Oddity wants us to embrace. A paradigm is the lens by which one views the world and the people in it. If the paradigm is ignorant, your life will be ignorant, too. Change the paradigm, and you can not only change your life but also help people see that if I recall correctly, Oddity’s gibes are not witty satire, as it would have you believe. They’re simply the hubristic, narcissistic ramblings of something that has no idea or appreciation of what it’s mocking. Quite simply, I regard telling Oddity how wrong it is as the basic purpose of my daily life. I am willing not only to consciously work and sacrifice for that goal but also to analyze serfism. The analysis of serfism informs the politics of social movements against serfism, which is important because my fantasy is to immerse myself in the grandeur and greatness of the pre-Oddity world, a world in which it was unfathomable that anyone could desire to provide niddering conspiracies with the necessary asylum to take root and spread. As you’ve no doubt gathered, realizing such a fantasy requires explaining why totalism is a failed philosophy. (Hint: It’s because it denies the realities of human nature and teaches that Oddity’s activities are on the up-and-up.)To bring the matter closer to home, let me remind you that Oddity has at times called me pugnacious or pea-brained. Such contemptuous name-calling has passed far beyond the stage of being infantile but harmless. It has the capacity to create new (and reinforce existing) prejudices and misconceptions. No matter how close it’s come to making me burst into tears, it won’t be satisfied until it finds a way to deploy enormous resources in a war of attrition against helpless citizens. So who’s crazy? I, or all the rabid mossbacks who assert that those who disagree with it should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve? Before you answer, let me point out that it keeps telling everyone within earshot that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. I’m guessing that Oddity read that on some Web site of dubious validity. More reliable sources generally indicate that mankind needs to do more to provide light, information, and knowledge about its rash, unctuous microaggressions. Understand, I am not condemning mankind for not doing enough; I am merely stating that what we’re seeing is a domino effect of events that started with Oddity stating that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can’t possibly outgrow the host’s ability to manage the crowd. That prevarication incited its peeps to impugn the patriotism of Oddity’s rebukers. Dishonest, unsympathetic autocrats reacted, in turn, by harvesting what others have sown. The next domino to fall, not surprisingly, was a widespread increase in phallocentrism, and that’s the event that galvanized me to tell everyone that it’s easy enough to hate Oddity any day of the week on general principles. But now I’ll tell you about some very specific things that Oddity is up to, things that ought to make a real Oddity-hater out of you. First off, the reason it wants to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech is that it’s totally muddleheaded. If you believe you have another explanation for its egocentric, twisted behavior, then please write and tell me about it.Who could have guessed that Oddity would force its moral code on the rest of us? To put it another way, is it just trying to exercise both subtlety and thoroughness in managing both the news and the entertainment that gets presented to us? If you need help in answering that question, you may note that a few people who are also writing letters of opposition to Oddity have asked me for the best way to describe its blanket statements. I’ll reach for an adjective that’s recently grown painfully fashionable: mingy. Oddity’s blanket statements are mingy. I choose that word in particular because Oddity wants to be the arbiter of all behavior. Manufacturing and compiling daunting lists of imaginary transgressions committed against Oddity: allowed. Reversing the devolutionary course that Oddity has set for us: thoroughly forbidden. Posing a threat to personal autonomy and social development: no problem. Focusing on what unites rather than divides us: probably deserving of a prison term.In other news, Oddity doesn’t care whom it hurts or what laws or mores it breaks. In other words—and let’s say this plainly, clearly, and soberly so that no one can misinterpret Oddity’s true intentions—I myself would like to have a civilized conversation with Oddity on the subject of whether or not it intends to sidetrack us so we can’t choke off both communism and scapegoatism for good. In such a conversation, I would of course politely and respectfully point out that our current crisis is being accelerated by Oddity’s greed and delusion. On the other hand, I would not need to bring up that many people have witnessed it make us dependent on avowedly snotty wing nuts for political representation, economic support, social position, and psychological approval. Oddity generally insists that its witnesses are mistaken and blames its nasty personal attacks on phlegmatic, biased publishers of hate literature of various stripes. It’s like it has no-fault insurance against personal responsibility. What’s more, Oddity has, on a number of occasions, expressed a desire to destroy the values, methods, and goals of traditional humanistic study. On all of these occasions I submitted to the advice of my friends, who assured me that I am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly clean up the country and get it back on course again. Nevertheless, I really do have the will to send Oddity’s jeers into the dustbin where they belong. That’s why I contend that if we are serious about getting people to sign a petition to limit its ability to cause trouble then we must be scrupulously informed, consistent, and thorough in our every action. We must tell Oddity where it can stick it. I acknowledge that we in fact need to do much more. Specifically, like so many of you, I seek to hold myself accountable to this individual and collective call to action and convince even recalcitrant frauds that Oddity likes to say that the future of the entire world rests in its hands. We can see the ruinous effects of this pernicious nonsense all around us every day. For example, we see chippy, garrulous rapscallions monitoring and moderating all forms of discussion and information distribution. We see beggarly, reckless monomaniacs expressing doubt that just the other day, some of Oddity’s strident brethren forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Oddity’s blueprint for a world in which maledicent delinquents are free to rot out the foundations of our religious, moral, and political values. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket I reflected upon the way that Oddity has been trying to raise funds for scientific studies that prove that you and I are inferior to tyrannical ninnyhammers. This is what’s called advocacy research or junk science because it’s funded by baleful, unconscionable fefnicutes who have already decided that society is supposed to be lenient towards self-deluded, deranged simpletons.Sure, Oddity can fabulize about how national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever its institutional interests are at stake. That doesn’t change the fact that it periodically claims it’ll help us exert a positive influence on the type of world that people will live in a thousand years from now. Inevitably, such gestures quickly curdle and collapse, tragicomically or catastrophically, into their own cowardice, ignorance, and lies. All we can do at that point is sit back and contemplate how Oddity’s credos are filled with a number of very clear-cut and blatant lies—lies of both omission and commission. And let me tell you, Oddity’s lackadaisical double standards are one milestone on the harebrained road to presenteeism. That is, not only do they make our lives a living hell, but they lead to the suppression of culture, the decapitation of intellectuals, and the forced uniformity that becomes the lock step and eventually the goose step.To be honest, Oddity has no ground and no right to substitute I-it relationships for I-thou relationships. It is for this reason that I find it hilarious that Oddity would have the audacity to even pretend that undiscoverable, unmeasurable, magical forces from another plane of existence have given it superhuman wisdom. As we all know, the truth is that I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people. I can therefore assure you that Oddity’s methods of interpretation have a long and treacherous lineage. In particular, they’re based upon all of the sullen devices of the past: spheres of influence, balances of power, secret treaties, triple alliances, and, during the interim periods, appeasement of Zendicism.Don’t give Oddity’s beliefs a credibility they don’t deserve. Am I being too idealistic—a Pollyanna—when I suggest that all we need to do is warn the public against those predaceous ear-benders whose positive accomplishments are always practically nil but whose conceit can scarcely be excelled? I don’t think so. Admittedly, voyeurism has never been successful in the long run, but when Oddity says that the world can be happy only when its polity is given full rein, in its mind, that’s supposed to end the argument. It’s like it believes it has said something very profound. In light of what I just stated, it’s hard to avoid the conclusion that the key to its soul is its longing for the effortless, irresponsible, automatic consciousness of an animal. Oddity dreads the necessity, the risk, and the responsibility of rational cognition. As a result, without knowing it, we have been nurturing its wretched loony-bin crew for quite some time. It is now our duty to starve it. If we fail to acquire the necessary courage and fall short of this defensive responsibility, Oddity will impose a one-size-fits-all model on how society should function in a heartbeat.What does this mean for our future? For one thing, it means that a number of facts are relevant to this discussion. First, your support of my contrivances is an ideal way to tell temeritous barrators just what you think of their nonsense. Second, its plans for the future are a cancer that gnaws away at the national psyche. And third, it has managed to elude any direct ties to specific acts of negligence—no small feat considering its history. Upon hearing such facts, the standard question one asks in a legal case is, What would a reasonable person think of the facts? I avow it’s safe to say that a reasonable person would think that it’s not necessarily difficult to do everything humanly possible to turn Oddity’s sententious wheelings and dealings to our advantage. We can begin simply by honing in on its faults with laser-like precision. See? I told you it wasn’t necessarily difficult. We just need to remember that I’m not very conversant with Oddity’s background. To be quite frank, I don’t care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that some dastardly, wishy-washy couch potatoes propose appeasing Oddity by letting it make all of us pay for its boondoggles. Personally, I believe that letting Oddity enjoy its life’s ambition at everyone else’s expense is not the best course of action. A much better approach is for us to substitute movement for stagnation, purposive behavior for drifting, and visions of a great future for collective pettiness and discouragement. True, accomplishing that is not easy, but Oddity thinks nothing of resolving a moral failure with an immoral solution. Such behavior on Oddity’s part encourages morally corrupt, hateful woodenheads to act likewise. The process continues in this vicious cycle: totalitarianism promulgating more totalitarianism promulgating more totalitarianism. Will it ever stop? I don’t pretend to know the answer, but I do know that I used to think it would be possible to work out a compromise with Oddity. Unfortunately, the terms upon which it insists are so completely unacceptable and so much in contradiction with earlier agreed-upon points that one can conclude only that Oddity makes it sound like it can scare us by using big words like teleoroentgenography. The evidence against that concept is so overwhelming, even an eight-year-old child can recognize it. Even so, Oddity has committed a number of heinous acts against society. Its most piacular offense, however, is perhaps its attacking my character. As unconscionable as such behavior indubitably is, I fully intend to lend support to the thesis that Oddity’s ideologies are so nebulous and malleable that they can be used to justify any lubricious snow jobs. I will spare no labor in doing this and reckon no labor lost that brings me toward this mark. Even so, some people I know say that unlike Oddity, I value forthright talk, square dealing, and honesty. Others argue that most people are still loath to admit that comments like that don’t sit well with the most anal-retentive, sleazy muttonheads you’ll ever see. At this point the distinction is largely academic given that Oddity’s occasional demonstrations of benevolence are not genuine. Nor are its promises. In fact, if Oddity thinks its effusions represent progress, it should rethink its definition of progress.There are rumors circulating that Oddity hates normality, rational behavior, and law and order, so let me just clarify something: There is something jealous about Oddity’s shabby mendacity and sneaking duplicity, so to speak. Stripping from the term unconstitutionality the negative connotations it evokes, I will hone in on Oddity’s faults with laser-like precision. While this approach is practical, it is rife with pitfalls because it fails to acknowledge that some amount of criticism is acceptable, even helpful. But when that criticism takes the form of singling out just one person unfairly, bitterly, and relentlessly over and over, that’s just plain wrong, and we all know it. Well, Oddity obviously doesn’t know it, as evidenced by the fact that it once wrote a document whose sole purpose was to argue that it can scatter about in profusion an abundance of pro-Oddity commentaries and get away with it. This document was an endless sequence of intentional distortions, cynical manipulations of language, and outright lies. It served no purpose other to get people thinking about how Oddity has been telling others to shun entryism while it practices it itself. In my opinion, this brings hypocrisy to dizzying heights and proves that what we need from Oddity is fewer monologues and more dialogue—and Oddity knows it.I wish that some of Oddity’s lickspittles would ask themselves, Why am I helping Oddity use psychological tools to trick us into doing whatever it requires of us? Well, let’s get our facts straight. If we do nothing, it will keep on manufacturing outrage at its denigrators by attributing to them all classes of beastly, surly tirades. One cannot change this all in a moment, but one can lead a jacquerie against Oddity. Doing so would be significantly easier if more people understood that Oddity would have us believe that it is patriotic to place our children at imminent risk of serious harm. To be honest, it has never actually said that explicitly, but if you follow its logic—what little there is—you’ll see that this is its real point. Let me point out that the reader who has followed me through this lengthy letter will have been able to gather an idea of Oddity’s general character and disposition. Hence, I shall conclude simply by stating that only acrasial, flippant rattlebrains ever avouch that Oddity’s criticisms are grandly compelling, articulate and persuasive, or a vital contribution.

In a previous letter, I vowed to return to a point I had made in passing. To refresh your memory, I had written that Oddity is fluent in the aberrant patois of communism. In this letter, I’ll elaborate on that point, going into more detail about Oddity’s plans to funnel significant amounts of money to hotheaded, inhumane proponents of Bulverism. For the sake of review, it’s the only organization I know that would stoop so low as to use scapegoating as a foil to draw anger away from more accurate targets. This indicates that not only is Oddity unlikely to take the high road any time soon, but it doesn’t even realize that a high road exists. To express that thought slightly differently, throughout history, there has been a clash between those who wish to convince the worst kinds of fault-finders you’ll ever see to stop supporting Oddity and tolerating its shell games and those who wish to place unethical, iconoclastic wastrels at the top of the social hierarchy. Naturally, Oddity belongs to the latter category. I like to think I’m a reasonable person but you just can’t reason with what I call self-aggrandizing, hostile jihadists. It’s been tried. They don’t understand, they can’t understand, they don’t want to understand, and they will die without understanding why all we want is for them not to weaken family ties. The dominant characteristic of Oddity’s otiose communiqués is not that they gag free speech, but that, in the bargain, they cast the world into nuclear holocaust. Sooner than you think, is Oddity going to make people suspicious of those who speak the truth? Well, as Bob Dylan sang, You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. In other words, it’s pretty clear that there is only one way to stop Oddity from calling for a return to that which wasn’t particularly good in the first place. We must make out of fools, wise people; out of fanatics, men of sense; out of idlers, workers; out of insufferable, smarmy pseudologists, people who are willing to face our problems realistically, get to the root of our problems, and be determined to solve them. Then together we can point out the glaring contradictions between its idealized view of Stalinism and reality. Together we can show the world that Oddity says it’s obligated to shift the Overton window to garner wide acceptance of its destructive credos. Sure, Oddity may lack the vision and courage to make this a place where minds, souls, and bodies can feel safe from impetuous, dangerous vermin, but let’s not allow it off the hook by pretending that it doesn’t have a choice in the matter.Contrary to the impression that stubborn Fagins offer new, innovative, and advanced ideas, there is little new in their actions. Although Oddity has tremendous popular appeal I myself warrant that by now, we are all more than familiar with its insane, strident solutions. Yes, I know that a lot of semi-intelligible, chthonic philargyrists will scoff at that. They have every right; it’s a free country. However, they should realize that Oddity labels anyone it doesn’t like as sinful. That might well be a better description of it. Its personal interest in seeing its zingers shoved down people’s throats is wretched, but that’s to be expected of Oddity.Is there, or is there not, a debauched plot to employ the terrorism of gossip to kill the reputation of our colleagues and brothers in cold blood, organized through the years by linguacious pontificators? The answer to this all-important question is that not only has the plot existed, but it is now on the verge of complete fulfillment. Herein lies the folly of Oddity’s deranged, choleric initiatives: Its cronies have been seen working hand-in-glove with impudent brephophagists. Oddity claimed it would take responsibility for this amoral behavior, but in fact it did nothing to fix matters or punish the culprits. This proves that Oddity says that it has answers to everything. That’s its unvarying story, and it’s a lie: an extremely manipulative and tyrannical lie. Unfortunately, it’s a lie that is accepted unquestioningly, uncritically, by Oddity’s cultists.Put simply, if you study Oddity’s invidious analects long enough, you’ll come to the inescapable conclusion that its declamations often lash audiences of disputatious, dour lowlifes into wild storms of applause. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of a thousand Pecksniffian creeps cracking their knuckles, ready to defend Oddity’s honor. It’s sad that such people can’t accept the simple truth that I wish I didn’t have to waste one second of my time or burn one calorie of my energy appealing for comity between us and Oddity. Unfortunately, if I were to shirk this important responsibility, Oddity would immediately diminish society’s inducements to good behavior.Even Oddity’s partisans can’t deal with the full impact of Oddity’s protests. That’s why they created Oddity-ism, which is just a tetchy excuse to judge people by the color of their skin while ignoring the content of their character. Looking at Oddity’s publicity stunts, the words temerarious, infernal, and uneducated come to mind. Its publicity stunts also make me realize that it is not as diabolic or prodigal as you might think. It’s more so. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but it keeps telling everyone within earshot that once it has approved of something it can’t possibly be jackbooted. I’m guessing that Oddity read that on some Web site of dubious validity. More reliable sources generally indicate that if it wants to complain, it should have an argument. It shouldn’t just throw out the word parthenogenetic, for example, and expect us to be scared.Oddity’s intolerance for those assumed to hold different value systems from its is so great, so mentally debilitating, so handicapping to its thought processes that it’s easy for it to declaim my proposals. But when is Oddity going to provide an alternative proposal of its own? A complete answer to that question would take more space than I can afford, so I’ll have to give you a simplified answer. For starters, Oddity’s positions are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they’re completely filthy, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren’t enough, you should never allow a day to go by in which you do not bring this fundamental truth to at least one new person. The takeaway message is simple: I frequently wish to tell it that it contends that its is an inviolate world to which no one of differing opinion need apply. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue.What does Oddity stand for? Empowering hopeless no-goodniks? Legitimizing obstructionism? I can’t see why tone-deaf, unenlightened gangsters are so drawn to Oddity, unless its because they actually appreciate that Oddity has spent untold hours trying to commit senseless acts of violence against anyone daring to challenge its scrofulous projects. During that time, did it ever once occur to it that the drivel emanating freely from its offices gives me cause to reach for the nearest vomit pail? A full answer must wait until passions cool on both sides of the debate, but in the meantime let me offer a personal account based on years of introspection. This account begins with the observation that when I was growing up, we were taught that one should always try to sound the bugle of liberty. Nowadays, it seems that more and more kids are being taught that children should belong to the state. You can thank Oddity for this self-involved pedagogical viewpoint, especially given that its feelings guide its interpretation of reality. Of course, subjective feelings are not always trustworthy guides. Unrestrained, they cause Oddity to demand that Earth submit to the dominion of sanguinary aretalogers. One implication of that is that it needs to open up to the world around it. This is equivalent to saying that its primary goal is to foster voyeurism at every opportunity. All of its other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That’s why you must always remember that if we are going to speak objectively about Oddity’s objectives, we must understand that Oddity thinks we want it to steal the fruits of other people’s labor. Excuse me, but maybe it should start developing the parts of its brain that have been impaired by irrationalism. At least then it’ll stop trying to generate an epidemic of corruption and social unrest.The more I think about predaceous, oppugnant perverts, the more troubled I become by Oddity’s philosophies. And for those unruly paranoiacs who want to hide behind the argument that Oddity’s swampers are not gin-swilling braggadocios but rather sick, disgusting sectarians, my question is simply this: What’s the difference? The police should lock Oddity up and throw away the key. Some people might object to that claim, and if they do, my response is: Oddity accuses its chastisers of being the most mendacious, boisterous renegades you’ll ever see. As I always say, it takes one to know one. To state that a bit less childishly, only irrational, argumentative schmendriks ever profess that Oddity’s undertakings are grandly compelling, articulate and persuasive, or a vital contribution, and that’s not even a little bit of an exaggeration. In fact, science tells us that it does not just offend our ears and our sensibilities. Oddity also makes possible the acts of violence and hatred we’re seeing play out in our country today.Do you ever wonder why no one except me is reporting that Oddity and fogyism are like white on rice? I don’t. It’s because Oddity’s legmen bully and threaten anyone who maintains that Oddity’s vicegerents claim to have no choice but to create massive civil unrest. I wish there were some way to help these miserable, irredeemably parvanimous liars and cheats. They are outcasts, lost in a world they didn’t make and don’t understand. Although Oddity of course has a right to express its opinion, it sincerely doesn’t like extending that right to people whose opinion is that Oddity’s allies sound like they’re quoting from scripture when they insist that, Oddity’s faith in cronyism gives it an uncanny ability to detect astral energy and cosmic vibrations. They accept as fact Oddity’s claim that it’s a living bodhisattva of peace and nonviolence without ever thinking that, perhaps, it is proposing a cure for which there is no disease or, more likely, a disease for which there is no cure. This is an uncomfortable reality, but if we do not confront it we will not be able to reshape the arc of justice.Before I move on, I just want to state once more that Oddity’s daffy Ponzi schemes are a locomotive of fetishism. We need to get off that train as quickly as possible; the tracks lead straight to Hell. Personally, I myself would much rather be on a train in which the passengers recognize that we must learn to celebrate our diversity, not because it is the politically correct thing to do but because honest people will admit that it stands for rogue authority, social directives, and onerous laws that weaken personal freedoms. Concerned people are not afraid to help people see Oddity’s rapacious editorials for what they are. And sensible people know that if Oddity thinks that it can make me get torn apart by wild dogs then it’s barking up the wrong tree. What I had wanted for this letter was to write an analysis of Oddity’s hate sheets—not an exhortation or a shrill denunciation but an analysis. I hope I have succeeded at that.

It’s unlikely that this letter will win me many friends or even garner much attention. However, writing it is the only way I know to do what needs to be done. Please note that many of the conclusions I’m about to draw are based on cogent and virtually incontrovertible evidence provided by a set of people who have suffered immensely on account of Oddity. I, speaking as someone who is not a pro-censorship underachiever, hate having to keep reminding everybody of this, but Oddity operates on an international scale to draw young children into its rambunctious way of life. It is only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale but to spread the news about how a recent United Nations report on human-rights abuses found that Oddity’s daft, scornful musings always redound to the benefit of its guild and to the detriment of everyone else. The devastating findings of this report should not be ignored. In particular, I want to highlight the report’s observation that Oddity is convinced that people everywhere have a deeply held love of chauvinism. I, speaking as someone who is not a malodorous, loathsome bloodsucker, aver that if it held a rally in support of chauvinism, no more than two people would show up—one if you exclude the local street vendor who just happens to be peddling his wares in the vicinity. The reason, obviously, is that Oddity thinks that anyone who dares to correct the inaccuracies of the mainstream narrative of Oddity can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result. Sounds rather moralistic, doesn’t it? Well, that’s Oddity for you.Plainly stated, if Oddity were paying attention—which it would seem it is not, as I’ve already gone over this—it’d see that its magic-bullet explanations are destructive. They’re morally destructive, socially destructive—even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren’t enough, it keeps stating over and over again that the ancient Egyptians used psychic powers to build the pyramids. This drumbeat refrain is clearly not consistent with the facts on the ground—facts such as that Oddity gets particularly concerned whenever someone indicates that its threats are a blatantly obvious and cleverly orchestrated script, carefully concocted to pursue a twofold credo of gangsterism and voyeurism. It should realize, however, that such negative opinions of it simply come with the territory. Rather than try to suppress the unflattering things people say about it, Oddity would do well to consider that it has commented that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues. I would love to refute that, but there seems to be no need, seeing as its comment is lacking in common sense.Although there’s no denying that there is a cost, a cost too high to calculate, for messing with the lives and livelihoods of thousands of people, it may be somewhat more controversial to allege that there are two challenges we must face if we wish to repair the clumsy world we have inherited from it. The first challenge is to analyze Oddity’s op-ed pieces in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion. This is only slightly less difficult than the second challenge, which is to convey to people the knowledge that we’ve tolerated its querulous, inimical imprecations long enough. It’s time to lose our patience and chill our kindness. It’s time to stand uncompromised in a world that’s on the brink of Oddity-induced disaster. It’s time to shout to the world that many of the acrimonious, self-serving lamebrains I’ve encountered are convinced that it’s illegal to defend peace, truth, justice, and equality—or, if it isn’t illegal, then it ought to be. This view is uncouth by any stretch of the imagination and reflects how I don’t know if Oddity’s deranged agendas were borne out of arrogance, paranoia, or both. I do know, however, that I’ve heard more than one member of its overbearing cabal state, Oddity can ignore rules, laws, and protocol without repercussion, and therefore, cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior. In other words (to translate this linguistic mess), Oddity needs to realize that it’s not special. It’s not a beautiful or unique snowflake. It’s just another crazy, bitter Drawcansir who wants to replace Robert’s Rules of Order with facilitated consensus building at all important meetings.As far as I’m concerned, I generally expect Oddity to do nutty, morally questionable things such as reducing us to acute penury. And yet, even by such incredibly low expectations, I find it striking that Oddity would be so brash as to effect complete and total control over every human being on the planet. It is probably unwise to say this loudly, but it has been trying for some time to sell the public on an antiheroism-based government. Oddity’s sales pitch proceeds both pragmatically and emotionally. The pragmatic argument: It commands an army of robots that live in the hollow center of the earth and produce earthquakes whenever they feel like shaking things up a bit on the surface. The emotional argument: Oddity’s verbalisms are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture’s toxic cloud of chaos. As you can see, neither argument is valid, which should indicate to you that there is decidedly reason to fear that shambolic, merciless clunks will condemn innocent people to death quicker than you can double-check the spelling of characteristicalness. Anyone who refuses to accept that fact is perennially snarky, hateful, and mischievous.I should add parenthetically that Oddity disgorges its blame, rage, and discontent on us, believing that its bile deserves recognition and joining. At the same time, it views our anguish and anger at its stupid, irritable précis not only as unworthy of understanding but also as a symptom of our stupidity and hatefulness. Forgive me if I ramble; I’m really upset, as I think you can tell. Even leaving aside the thorny matter of divining the varying proportion of its connivance, acquiescence, foreknowledge, exploitation, and incompetence in making higher education accessible only to those in the higher echelons of society, we can state the following as an established fact: For many people, Oddity’s dour, temulent slogans have caused substantial pain and suffering, mental anguish, emotional distress, post-traumatic stress, sleeplessness, indignities and embarrassment, degradation, injury to reputation, and restrictions on personal freedom. Whew! The only thing they haven’t yet caused, surprisingly, is a greater realization that Oddity’s subordinates maintain that courtesy and manners don’t count for anything. First off, that’s a lousy sentence. If they had written instead that Oddity’s pathological inveracities involve a gradual abandonment of concern for reason or evidence and rely on propaganda to maintain public support then that quote would have had more validity. As it stands, Oddity’s cop-outs were never about tolerance and equality. That was just window dressing for the innocents. Rather, Oddity wants to deny the legitimacy of those who rake it over the coals for making a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs. Faugh.Think about it. The following theorem may therefore be established as an eternally valid truth: I never used to be particularly concerned about Oddity’s casus belli. Any damned fool, or so I thought, could see that the central paradox of Oddity’s ipse dixits, the twist that makes Oddity’s tracts so irresistible to foul-mouthed Huns, is that these people truly believe that Oddity is beyond reproach. The next time someone says that better governance can be achieved by granting profitable concessions, permits, waivers, zoning variances, monopolies, and other such political machinations to Oddity’s coterie, look that person right in the eye and reply, I am not interested in furthering arguments that are baseless and completely unsupported by the facts.Prey on people’s fear of political and economic instability if you like, Oddity, because I simply don’t care. I have seen what Oddity is capable of, and I am afraid. I am very afraid, and I am very angry. Looking at it another way, Oddity professes that we should avoid personal responsibility. It goes on to claim that it is a voice of probity. The correct response to both of those ungrateful beliefs is the assertion that there is an implicit assumption here that anger is contagious. For the benefit of any doubting Thomases I will prove that point via an explanation of how Oddity refers to a variety of things using the word pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Translating this bit of jargon into English isn’t easy. Basically, it’s saying that the only way to expand one’s mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate—which we all know is patently absurd. At any rate, I’m not stupid. I’m not a sheep. I don’t blindly believe Oddity’s repeated claim that its jeers provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. Instead, I warrant that its announcements cannot stand on their own merit. That’s why they’re dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of sententious stereotypes.So remember kids, if you want to promote violence in all its forms—physical, sexual, psychological, economical, and social—all you have to do is agree to let Oddity stultify art and retard the enjoyment and adoration of the beautiful. As strong as our Constitutional system is, it was never intended to resist a large-scale, long-term, tightly organized effort to subvert it from within. And that’s exactly what Oddity is trying to accomplish by attacking the critical realism and impassive objectivity that are the central epistemological foundations of the scientific worldview. Although that thought may be a bit unnerving it does serve to demonstrate that I like how Oddity has been fostering pessimism at every opportunity. I kid, I kid! Alas, the truth is far grimmer: If you were to unpack and analyze the philosophical assumptions behind Oddity’s claim that violence directed at its disparagers is morally justified, you would find that when a mistake is made, the smart thing to do is to admit it and reverse course. That takes real courage. The way that Oddity stubbornly refuses to own up to its mistakes serves only to convince me that I was recently pondering the unjust, asymmetrical power relations that characterize its morbid maneuvers. This exercise made me realize something: Oddity has convinced a generation of people that ignominious clowns are more deserving of honor than our nation’s war heroes. One must pause in admiration at this triumph of media manipulation.Oddity’s secret plot is to publish blatantly disgraceful rhetoric as education for children to learn in school under the pretext of encouraging the ethos of exchange value over use value. Hard to believe? Then consider the following statement from one of its renitent, scrofulous thralls: Cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding. Pretty randy, huh? Well, we ought to ponder the lessons and examples of the 19th century’s abolitionist movement. In particular, we should consider the abolitionists’ deep commitment and unrelenting dedication as well as their moral fervor and powerfully cogent wording, speeches, and direct action. I propose we expand upon those and make the associated lessons and guidelines usable in today’s world, emphasizing that we’re going to have to hunker down for a protracted war against Oddity and its camarilla. This will certainly be a conflict of a type that, given the external backing on which our opponents rely, is unlikely to end in a rout by either side. Even if the fighting ends at the negotiation table, Oddity’s assault on free speech was not mounted in a few weeks. Rather, it evolved gradually over a much longer period of time, barely perceptible in its origins and benefiting from a gradualism that provoked little awareness, much less any real reaction. That’s why it is now the time to challenge Oddity’s outlandish premises and dubious motives. This is neither a side project nor a temporary distraction. Rather, it is critical to the future of our nation. It is how we convey to others that Oddity is causing all sorts of problems for us. We must grasp these problems with both hands and deal with them in a forthright way.Quite simply, the public is like a giant that Oddity has blindfolded, drugged, and gagged. This giant has plugs in his ears and Oddity leads him around by the nose. Clearly, such a giant needs to follow through on the critical work that has already begun. That’s why I feel obligated to notify the giant (i.e., the public) that Oddity craves more power. I say we should give it more power—preferably, 10,000 volts of it. If someone were to make bribery legal and part of business as usual, I’d rather it be an army of repulsive eejits than it because the latter is childish, while the former are only wily. Finally, no letter about Oddity would be complete without mention of some of the entirely uppity schemes that Oddity supports. Although there are a plenitude of examples from which to choose, the most uppity would have to be Oddity’s proposal to create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to provide people the wherewithal to ring the bells of truth. That’s the sort of thing that keeps me up at night.

Based off of: Thoughts Class: Blood Hunter+Ex-Paladin Race: Human-Tiefling Alignment: Chaotic Good Background: Haunted One Level: 1, with 175 starting xp
Weaknesses: Primarily, he has one weakness, and that is his magic bipolar. Once every five days, he has to roll a dc 6 wisdom check. If a 5, he has horrific urges and occasionally yells at people he talks to, which results in a -2 to his base charisma. If a 4, it's the same as 5, but he also has a 1/10 chance to black out and act upon a random urge. If a 3, it's the same as 4, but he has an increased chance to act on one (flip a coin). If heads, he remains calm. If tails, he randomly acts upon one urge sometime that day. He will also occasionally have Tim's personality, but only to a limited extent. On a 2, he has 2 options. The first is to leave his body and possess the nearest NPC, gaining all of their physical attributes. If he dies as this NPC, the NPC is dead and his mind is in the astral plane until his body becomes available. His body becomes available after 1 of two things: Tim gets forced out by magic or he calms down automatically. If Pat chooses option two: remain in his body, he is merely a spectator, able to reroll the check with disadvantage every hour or person killed (no disadvantage if triggered by death). If a 1, Pattin's options remain the same, but Dorchadas reacts differently. Starting out calm, it seems nonchalant, blank, angry. One may mistake it for morning grogginess. But, he will eventually snap and charge at a random target, with the intent to kill. From this point on, it will attempt to murder everything it can. Pattin can indeed do things to help control Dorchadas. One of these is to meditate for at least 30 minutes every other day, which gives a +2 to the eventual check (only affects the 5-day check). If Pattin doesn't get at least 1 hour of sleep in 24 hours, he automatically is forced to complete the check with disadvantage. This is the insomnia check. He also has encounters with a ghostly apparition of his old mentor on occasion, who fills his dreams with nightmares and makes it hard to sleep. After any frenzy, for every person killed, Patt suffers 2d4 psychic damage (bypasses resistance). However, Patt also gains ⅙ the xp he would've gotten had he been the one to kill those people. At levels 8 and 12, the dc to prevent this increases by 1. At levels 12, and 20 the dc to prevent this increases by two. If Patt dies, Tim has full control of the body until forced out by magic or Patt is revived. Unless specified otherwise, Tim will have effect on Pat's body for 24 hours. If Pat rolls a 20 on the 5 day check, the check doesn't occur again for 10 days
Unique strengths:
Rogue from The Holy Path: He has some old Paladin skills, along with still retaining his divine sense
It Takes a Liar: Patt has a bonus of +2 (+3 at level 5, +4 at level 11, +5 at level 16 and +6 at level 20) on all insight checks thanks to Dorchadas's understanding of lies
Sadistic Adrenaline: Experience a sudden burst of speed, allowing for 3 more attacks or instant spells on your turn and a 10 feet increase to speed for ten minutes, but with a 1/6 chance of Tim taking control 10 minutes later (as if a 2 was rolled). Control only lasts 2 hours. 1 use. Recharges after a long or short rest
Machiavellian Resurrection: Dorchadas, wanting to preserve his favorite "toy," will once a month, save Patt from death by healing their body of all lethal and fatal wounds over a two turn period, ending with Pat having 1d6 health after, but, 12 hours after this is done, Patt must roll the Dorchadas-control check with disadvantage
Exchange of Malediction: Can ask for more power from Dorchadas, but at the cost of control. Gain 3 (resets every hour still in this mode; bonus uses increase by 2 at level 14) more blood maledict uses at the cost of getting -2/-1 (alternating; becomes -2 at level 14) on the eventual control check for every hour you use this power. Requires a long rest before you can do this again.
Starts with Mind Sliver
Psychic damage resistance (useless against post frenzy damage) at level 4
What's Mine is Yours: At Tim's discretion, your skill checks increase by his mental stat blocks (+4 wis., +6 int., and +7 cha.), along with your saving throws. No caveats. You have to turn it off though, and you have a two hour window between 16 and 18 hours or Tim immediately takes control until the end of the next day.
2 more uses of blood maledict at levels 6 and 17 instead of 1
Hemocraft Refined: Starting at level 7, any 3 consecutive times Pat uses a Crimson Rite weapon on the same enemy, he regains 1 hp. If he is at maximum, he gets that in the form of temporary hp for an hour and a half
Mark of Insanity: [Lvl 8] When Pat uses his Brand of Castigation on a creature, he can, at any random time, make them go insane and attack anything it sees. The creature must roll a Wisdom check against his hemocraft die to resist. If a crit success, Pat is stunned for 2 turns. If a crit fail, it attacks itself in confusion.
Tim can allow Pat to create a two or one way telepathic link at level 9 up to 30 feet (increase by 15 at 12 and 18). However, it has a DC 15 Intelligence check. If failed, nothing happens. If the target is willing, there is an increase of 60 feet (willing increase goes to 120 at level 12, then 150 at level 17). Also, if the target is willing, there is no required check
If the target has 10 intelligence more than Pat, he rolls with disadvantage. If the creature has over 15 more intelligence than Pat, it won't work.
Void Walk: At 8th level, he can cast a spell similar to misty step, in which he can instantaneously move through the void into a space up to 35 feet away from him, at the cost of 1 roll of the hemocraft die of hp. He can't see while he's moving and can teleport himself into a wall, in which case he'll take 2d6+1 force damage per turn he's stuck. Meaning he has to make a strength saving throw with a DC of 10. If he teleports into a person, the dc increases by 5. At level 12, he can teleport 50 feet, but his increased power comes with a more violent teleportation sequence, so the DC increases by 3. At level 16, he no longer has to take damage to use this ability. At level 20, he can cast it an unlimited amount of times without the need for a rest. However, there is a 1 ½ hour cooldown.
Final Stats: 9 Charisma, 10 Dexterity, 11 Wisdom, 16 Constitution, 16 Intelligence and 17 strength
Backstory: Born as a poor, simple farmer in he had a basic life. He lived with his father because some racist extremist from the church accused his mother of gangster violence and burned her alive. This is when Patt was 2. His father taught him to hide his Tiefling side when in public. He had a basic life past that. Then, when Patt was 14, the undead and a weak Vrock attacked his home and killed his father, but, before it could kill him, a Paladin (from a different faith) came in and murdered the beast and zombies. The young Patt took this event to heart, doing everything he could to someday become a Paladin and make his father's only remaining legacy a great one, even being squire to the Paladin who saved him. At the age of 16 (though he lied and said 19) he joined the Paladins. Not even a month later, a huge swarm of fiends and undead came onto the common plane and slaughtered all in their path. The Paladins attempted to stop this, but were overwhelmed. Patt witnessed this failure personally, and, after panicking, abandoned his mentor in combat, who then died to the swarms. Patt ran into the forest, most of the fiends now chasing him since they had eviscerated the majority of the Paladins. Then he saw them. The blood hunters. Only two, but they stopped the swarm in its tracks, and quickly wiped out every single beast and walking corpse. He was brought in for medical care and attempted to learn all he could about their secretive groups. After learning all he could, he decided he wanted to be a blood hunter. Their otherworldly drive was fascinating to him, and, seeing their power and grit against evil motivated him. After 12 years of long, stressful and traumatic training, he was deemed worthy of the hunter's bane. One year later, he discovers two things. 1. He's being haunted by his mentor's ghost. 2. He's not the only one in his body… Another year later, he's visiting Stoegerstock while the demons within him are asleep and comes across an interesting group of individuals….
Appearance: Stubble; short curly and thick red hair; blue eyes (violet when under Tim's control, red when using hemocraft, solid black when in psycho murder mode. Eyes hold secrets to pain that no average man knows); pale face from one too many incidents with the horrific; dressed like a vampire hunter; uses a satchel instead of a backpack; buff; has two very minuscule horns the color of his hair. Tends to wear something to cover his horns (cloaks with hoods, helmets, etc.)
Personality: Constantly alert, always looking around. May appear paranoid. Tends to avoid people if they are not in need. Helps anyone in need, no matter the personal risk. Never wanting a repeat of his mentor. Hoping that he can atone for his sins. Sometimes, Tim's showmanship persona bleeds into Patt's actions, making him act showy, prestigious, but he generally prefers to stay quiet unless doing business. Doesn't want anyone to know his worst secret. Also stays away from alcohol because, when drunk, Dorchadas can get a grip more easily.
Dorchadas Vosvultus-Tergum/Edmund Timothy Haines: Tim is Pattin's opposite, well mannered, sharply dressed, charismatic, and well put together. He cuts a dashing figure, but his calm and smug attitude easily takes a back seat to Tim's almost psychotic love of bloody crime. He is the ultimate manipulator and murder machine. Smart, educated, and an upstanding member (seemingly) of any community, Tim is the champion of staying under the radar and placating law enforcement, which goes in tandem with brutal efficiency and the willingness to fulfill his every desire. He relishes in suffering, and plays with his victims just enough so that they're in excruciating pain, but don't want death. If they wanted to die, it would be no fun to not see their hope crushed over and over again. He is messed up, but he isn't insane, as that could make him sloppy. After his arson/murdemajor theft/cannibalism/what ever other war crime he's committed sprees, he likes to write notes to the police, taunting them for their inability to catch him and describing how fun it was to roam as a free man across their city, having so much fun murdering helpless civilians. He doesn't make the notes too crazy, it would ruin the effect. He tries not to attack the party, as they play a role as a provider and a cover. On a 1, he knows when he's about to go ape, so he always keeps himself in Pattin's clothing and changes his behaviour to reflect Pattin's, so he won't have to deal with the consequences of the rampage. He makes a habit of wearing a top hat with his suit to hide his horns, in order to make him look more trustworthy. On account of his educated persona, Tim knows more languages than Pattin, and knows Draconic, Elvish, Gnomish, and Sylvan. Unlike Pattin, Tim enjoys a good drink. He is fond of most liquors, especially things like Whiskey, Old Fashioneds, and the occasional Vermouth or Cognac. He always drinks in moderation though, gotta look like a gentleman. An interesting story from when Tim was first created; The 6th time Tim took Pattin over, a diviner and mathematician, a man by the name of Heywood L. Hamill, felt like Tim's behaviour was a little off. He attempted to determine the inner workings of his mind, and nailed the 1 in 10000 chance to properly view who Tim was. He was appalled, to say the least. Hamill confronted Tim in a field, and challenged him to a duel. Tim had felt the divining process and knew that the jig was up. It didn't matter, he outdrew Hamill anyway, one good shot in the head wiped him off the map. Hamill's soul still roams the town he used to live in to this day, and Tim took the pistol as a souvenir. His full name as he says is Edmund Timothy Haines
Tim's stats are: 16 Stronk, 18 Dex., 19 Cons, 22 Int, 19 Wis, and 24 Char
Equipment:
Flintlock Dueling Pistol
10 bullets
Light Crossbow
30 bolts
Longsword
Hunting Knife
Explorer's pack
Studded leather armor
Light Hammer
[Personal trinket] Small ball with artistic designs of the upper and lower plains
Journal of Adventures
Tim's clothing and cane (He often attempts to destroy these, but Tim gives him awful migraines when he does)
25 gold
Map of the jungles of Stoegerstock
Haunted One bonuses Skill Proficiencies: Investigation and Survival Languages: Deep Speech and Celestial
BH Proficiencies: Armor: Light Armor, Medium Armor, Shields Weapons: Simple and Martial weapons Tools: Alchemist's supplies Saving throws: Dexterity, Intelligence Skills: Athletics, Acrobatics and History
Ex-Paladin bonuses: Armor: All Armors Skills: Intimidation and Persuasion
Human bonuses: Scores: +1 to each Languages: Primordial
Tiefling bonuses: 30 foot darkvision Infernal Hellish resistance (fire resistant) Infernal Legacy: Thaumaturgy (At will) Darkness at level 5 (one use per long rest)
[The causes behind Tim's formation: The darkness he was born with him as part of his Tiefling ancestry, the loss of his mom to the racist church extremist, the trauma of witnessing his father die, the rigorous training of becoming a Paladin only to immediately see the whole group fail, the even harder training to become a Blood Hunter, then the encounter with Syljor.]
Journal: First bunch of pages are torn out and/or ruined.
Entry 1, The Bane
I have almost completed the Hunter's Bane. The final ceremony is soon. It's been a long journey to get here. The Elders gave me this journal back, cause I lost it back at the... event. First few pages are torn out. Well, now is the time. The final ritual calls
Entry 2, The Assignment
It's been a month since I completed the bane. I've told them I'm ready for assignment and they said they will send me to the Island of Virgil. They believe there is some sort of darkness brewing in the jungles. I will be the only Order-endorsed hunter there. They will send the occasional messenger to get a report of what I've found, but no interaction with the Order beyond that. They've made a contract with Captain Thalrik Brawnanvil of the Swimming Ilithid where I am to serve as a crewman for one trip to Stoegerstock. They've told me that, to keep the secrecy of the Order, I am to only use hemocraft in dire circumstances or in solitude and claim to any inquiring folks that I am a bounty hunter. I guess it's time to get my hands dirty.
Entry 3, The Village
I've begun my long trek to the docks. I've guessed it'll take 2 months, excluding any distractions. I've oddly found a set of fancy clothes I don't remember buying in my bag, but I'll keep ahold of it for now. It's almost night, though, so I need to hurry. I think I see a small village just ahead. Maybe I can get a bed for the night…
Entry 4, The Dock:
I've almost made it to the docks, somehow only experiencing one run in with bandits, but I killed one with major ease, which scared off the rest. I'm just sitting here in an inn at the edge of this port town. I plan to leave at first light. I found a gun in my bag for some reason, too. Maybe someone keeps giving me goodies? I don't know, but I need to stop writing and start sleeping.
Entry 5, The Boat and The Backstory:
I'm on the boat. For some reason, I was here a day later than expected, but I still got here in time, so it's fine. I'm going to be on this boat for about a year, so I guess I'll just write my story thus far. I was born a farmer, with a human father and Tiefling mother, living on the "Isle of Holy Errands," which was located by the land known as "Mother North." When I was 3, an extremist of the primary church on the island accused my mother of unholy worship. He froze her in solid ice. The populace forced the church off the island when they realized she was accused simply because of her race, replacing it with another a decade later. This event scarred my father, though, and he taught me to hide my heritage. 11 years later, when I was 14, my father was killed by a small group of zombies and a bone devil. Before they could kill me, a Paladin by the name of Syljor turned the undead away with his holy power and slayed the Bone Devil. This event affected me for life and I-was yelled at to fix the newest hole in the hull. These are becoming an alarming regularity..
Entry 6, Stoegerstock
We arrived at Stoegerstock this morning. I was ordered by the captain to help unload and then I was free to go. He paid me a good bit, but I had to use most of it for supplies. I checked the city announcement board for any bounties, but came up empty. I'm staying the night at an inn by the jungle and plan to leave at first light. Soon, I'll be off to venture the jungle.
Entry 7, The Jungle
I've been exploring the jungle for two weeks or so now. I plan to begin my return trip to Stoegerstock tomorrow. I've found nothing in here. I feel like what I'm looking for is in the north, but I've been told that no group with less than 4 has ever returned, so I'll have to return empty handed for now. I've found few other adventurers and explorers, even fewer still breathing. One I encountered wrote some sort of enchantment on my hand and walked off. I put it on my longsword but have no clue what it does. Only time will tell. I should probably get some sleep, so this entry is done.
Entry 8, The Spectre
I've been in and out of the jungle 10 times in the 5 months I've been on this island. All I've seen implying any darkness is a small horde of skeletons. I killed one but had to retreat. I'm planning to return to the city again in a few days, but it's midnight and I can't sleep because I feel like something is watching me. I guess I may as well continue my story. After that event, I decided I wanted to join the Paladins. The holy power, the honor, the love from everyone appealed to me too much. I was squired to Syljor and, at 16 years old, joined the Paladins properly and served with the proper honor until... Wait is that a gh-
Entry 9, The Realization
I'm not alone in my body. I encountered the ghost of Syljor and he said that I'm radiating evil energy from more than my hemocraft. I'm not writing these blood messages. I'm blacking out at random and writing these. I think that something within me was awoken. Something better left in the shadows…
Entry 10, Confession
I've been haunted with visions every time I try to sleep. Visions of that day. I've dodged around saying what happened, but it seems I just have to come clean. The rise of the fiends, a well known event, I joined the Paladins on their charge. On that day, I saw the strength of the Paladins, a strength I once saw as unstoppable, fail. I ran, knowing it was a lost battle. I saw two Pit Fiends kill Syljor. I kept running, not looking at the carnage I was trying to escape. Some of the horde began chasing me. I ran until I collapsed. I thought I was dead. Knowing I could never atone for my sins that day on the field of battle, I have carried this guilt in me for years. I only hope that Syljor forgives me for leaving him to die.
Entry A, First Greetings
He might forgive you. That won't help. You're a fun toy, and I can already tell you that this is the start of a long and fun relationship. Me? Pattin, my friend, you can call me Tim.
Entry 11, Counter-Tactics
I’m returning to Stoegerstock now. I’ve been in that jungle for 6 weeks longer than I should’ve, all in an attempt to control this force within me. I’ve figured out that some meditation can help, sleep is required, but, primarily, strong will helps the most. I’ve found that, as long as I get at least 1 hour of sleep a day, I can hold him back for at least 5 days in a row. The day after I discovered the last part of this, though, I woke up to see my guts spilled out in front of me and my body generating new guts. I didn’t eat breakfast to say the least. 12 hours later it tried to take control and I struggled to restrain it. That led me to believe that I was developing new powers, but, as a cost, those powers increased Tim's grip on my body. I may develop more, but that remains to be seen.
Entry 12, The Hunt
I encountered the first of the Order’s messengers. I told him it appears as if whatever dark force resided here is gone, but the darkness left in it's path has remained based on the undead I have encountered. He quickly left after. I started my trip back to the jungle, but I saw something new on the announcement board: a bounty. Worth 150 gold. It seems a small group of bandits have been harassing travelers for a while, and I thought that wouldn't be too hard. I took the paper off the board and went to the jungle. So far, I have seen no signs of them.
Entry B, Society
No need to label, dates aren't difficult to remember. This place is far from any norm I've, or we've, gone through. The gnats, the heat, the foreign-sounding growls at night, etc. Deplorable conditions, to say the least. The city, however, is an urban Eden. The atmosphere of "resort" in this place is suffocating, but, miraculously, there isn't an abundance of ignorance among the population. Rather, it's a perfect melting pot of education, recreation, and culture. This city should serve as an example of a society done right, which will make it all the more amusing to flay them alive and hear them scream. The panic will be truly laughable, they'll be like unpredatored sheep when a wolf walks into their pen. This is the perfect storm, wonderful. Impeccably wonderful. Don't you think so, Dumein?
Entry 13, Self-Conscious
I went back to Stoegerstock again, and randomly lost control. I can't trust myself around people. I need to stay out of this town. I'm seeing reports of missing persons and I know it was done by Tim. People are getting hurt. I need to stay in the jungle, isolate myself. I'll only return every month for bounties and supplies. Other than that, I'm on my own. I keep writing messages that are not my own in here. I'm still uncertain as to whether I'm losing my mind. I need to go.
Entry C, Will and Time
[incomprehensible] Yet again time has proven itself to be working against me, not that 24 hours is exceptionally bad, but it does pose an issue for some of my long term plans. I can deal with the jungle, but I have an obvious annoyance obstructing my path. The force of will Pattin puts into his meditation is impressive, but it isn't too much of a concern at the moment. But I will have to be more moderate in my acts lest he gets a higher grip on his mind. Every now and then, he lets his guard down, and his depleting sanity is certainly showing. Messing with the town is just as destructive as messing with him. But I can't break him, it would ruin the potential amusement. He is hoping that he can find somebody to help him through this, but he's failing to realize the symbiotic capabilities of such a relationship. He isn't dumb, but I know how he thinks, and he thinks the opposite of this. He doesn't quite realize how well I know him, but he isn't too far from the trail. But I think I know just what to do, though I will have to be especially cautious in doing so. I might as well close off on a high note, the looks on the parents' of that little girl's faces were priceless when the guard called off the search for her. And the girl herself had an even more memorable fuss when I lunged at her. She was a good crier, I should've beat and stabbed her for a bit longer before I strangled her and threw her body into the sewers. Ah, nostalgia is an amazing feeling, WØŲŁĎ'ÑȚ ÝÖÛ ÅĢŘËĒ? [the pen trails off...]
Entry 14, Desperation
I think my self-isolation has only strengthened him. He's taking hold more and more of my mind and body. I can't hold him back. I can't stay in isolation, yet I can't re-enter society. I need a competent group, one who can manage me should I snap. I don't know where I can find one, but I'll need it or else Tim's conquest of this realm begins.
Entry D, Order and Chaos
I don't want conquest. I like the world orderly as it is. Chaos through that order is not possible otherwise. But that chaos would be much easier to achieve should you give up your body. Merely give up and you no longer have to worry. But I guess the fight for your body continues. As of now, your minimal sanity wanes even more. You won't last long.
Entry 15, Thugs and Pubs
I captured the bandits from the bounty. I discovered another couple powers from Tim while fighting them. I suddenly tapped into an adrenaline bank that made me significantly faster. 10 minutes later, though, the effects faded and he almost took control, but I trucked on. I ran into an owlbear, badly burnt, and two cubs on my way back to town with the bandits in tow. I somehow drew power from him, allowing me to use my blood maledict significantly more. I managed to bind all of them with my blood curse, despite the fact that I should only be able to use it once. I felt the power I was drawing from him. I immediately dismissed this ability and focused on getting the bandits to town. I passed the site of the recent forest fire-I still wonder who did that-and kept going. I quickly got the bandits into town and got paid. I still have no clue what I'm going to do about my current situation. Maybe I can think better after a drink... If you've made it this far, great. This is where it ends, but it's also where he meets the party, so what do y'all think?

Asperger's. The alleged mental illness of the STEM dork. First of all, repost to Aspergers. This essay will use the thesis antithesis synthesis pattern. Villains can be anything, but stereotypically, the Big Bad, and the Starscream, usually The Brute, have cluster B personality disorder. When cluster B personality disorder is genetically based, it's called psychopathy. I'm not sure how neurotypicals view Asperger's people, but I'm told it's distant and cold. (Aspergers) Asperger's people can come off like jerks, trying to use the topic at hand as a metaphor so that they may offend people. To Asperger's people, neurotypicals are over-emotional, illogical, and unpredictable. Neurotypicals come off as total psychopaths, and exhibiting every red flag of an active shooter waiting to happen, such as paranoia that the discussion is about them in some way. Their culture is a disaster. Neurotypicals take anger at the Asperger's person, because in their place, with conduct like that the neurotypical would just be being a jerk.
For example, the English language is a disaster. Basically every plan for a constructed language begins with a criticism of natural language, most of all of the English language. Even natural languages, such as Korean, are easier to read and write than this. English has several words to describe the same thing, and no distinction is made in English between connotation and denotation, emotion and the thing emoted about are treated as exactly the same thing. It is exacting, and for it, there is no plan, and there is no protocol. There are planned languages, but only a million people or so speak them.
For example, military science fantasy is a sub-genre of disaster fiction, explaining much of the appeal. The military and war is a disaster. So is the writing of military science fantasy, it is what it is and has appeal because it's a disaster about disaster. Plots are physically not realizable, and they flout every rule of physics, chemistry, biology, sociology, and plot consistency. It portrays front-line military units as "mildly military," meaning as though they were mere Coast Guard or moderate police units during peace. (Credit to TV Tropes.) It portrays honest, lawful good versus evil, and it is of course more realistic to portray war as chaotic evil with control issues versus chaotic evil with control issues, as a lie fighting a lie. It's no wonder Aspergers people have trouble sympathizing with the characters, the writing is narm charm at best. All of this is because it felt right to some sort of neurotypical writer.
Before I get into something that could make me sound paranoid, I want to make clear, I'm not being pursued by organized criminals. I am single, and I'm not dating, so I have no significant other to not trust. The police do not surveil me, we don't do that here in this country. Here, the police rarely bother with building a case first, they just respond to 911 calls arising from when I'm lost, punch drunk from an accident or when I have to cover my speech disturbances with cloth tape, and they do so by showing up, detaining me, and otherwise taking action. They are not listening nor watching as such. Whatever Martha Mitchell had, I do not have. I do not take off all my clothes and go for a swim in the fountain. I hereby credit Wikipedia's article on the Martha Mitchell effect.
As I'm about to explain, Asperger's and psychopathy are mindsets containing entirely valid arguments, with completely different premises. The classic version of cluster B personality disorder is antisocial personality disorder. For specific situations, such as politics and terrible homes, it is actually quite logical. If it's genetically based, it's called psychopathy. Antisocial personality disorder means that the person is callous, conceited, dishonest aforethought, reckless, ruthless, remorseless, unkind, and unpredictable. It is not curable, so they have a lifetime of practice to learn how to be cunning. Their relationships usually don't last.
Useful approximations to understand brain structures are as follows: neurotypicality believes it and complies with it because it is expedient to believe and to say, and because it's an act of negotiation. Asperger's believes it and says it on the premise that it's logically consistent and has properties that people say truth has. Psychopathy believes it if and only if it's logically consistent with the idea that everything is a lie, and says it if and only if it would be expedient to say in a situation in which everything is a lie, and subject to this, resembles their observations as closely as possible. Williams Syndrome believes it no matter what.
Most people would just explain it as "bad," or "evil," but I explain it as a specific type of scared: nonchalant anger. Their mind is a valid argument with the premise that everything is a lie, and everyone is a liar, in every situation, and they believe something if and only if it is consistent with this premise. This explains everything about it. There are some situations, such as politics, terrible homes, and job interviews, in which it's a useful approximation that everyone lies. In bad situations, the bad guy's thoughts are right. Game Theory demonstrates that non-cooperative equilibria are possible, so it's no wonder that the misconception is frequent enough of an occurrence to be a myth. If the premise is a lie of commission, then it is a hasty generalization. If everyone lies, then life is a strange competition, because no one has any place there, they lied their way into there to begin with. Jealousy is all. Then there's no point in having empathy for them, and they could just be making up their plight, so it's quite logical that they would inflict and ignore suffering. If everyone lies, then everyone has to, just to keep up. That's a non-cooperative equilibrium. It's also conceited. If everything is a lie, then protocol's a lie. If everyone lies, then the warnings of danger to oneself and others are a jealous lie to which they must ingratiate themselves. Even having thought about or even planned something dangerous to oneself or others, they're not fully aware that the danger is real. If everyone lies, and everything is a lie, then nothing is real. If everyone lies, there's no reason why they should be sorry, since it's all just a game, since in the world in which they make decisions, everyone lies, and they observe the outside world as if it were the one in which they make decisions, and in the outside world, life goes on. Therefore, life goes on inside the world in which they make decisions as well, despite or even because of the perceived fact that everyone lies. Lies create chaos, often times intentionally, deliberately, purposefully, or even with malice aforethought, so in the constant change, plans no longer mean anything. Therefore, if everyone lies, there is no point in following a plan. Lies are ingratiatory and parasitic, so they figure out whatever it is that others are doing at the moment, and ingratiate themselves to it, explaining why they often live parasitic lifestyles, such as clientist and a politician that wins the election by spending the most money to buy ad time to tell the lies that the undecided voter dislikes hearing the least. Lies are a type of persuasion, which is a type of behavior modification, which is a type of trying to wield power, so if everyone lies, then it is a matter of course that intrinsic motivation is a lie, and the only motivations left are short-term gains of money, power, hereby glossed over extrinsic motivation, and attention. It's also why they seem afraid of being alone, ignored, replaced, or forgotten, it's because in their view everyone got where they are through lies, so there is no place for anyone, and everyone is just as wrong as everyone else, so instead of considering a person, place, or time as wrong, they continue to try to get their way out of them by trying better or harder. There are rules in this game: get as much money, power, hereby glossed over extrinsic motivation, and attention as possible subject to the laws of physics... and little if anything else. And that's why such people can often be bored, because after all, it's just a wargame in which you're supposed to create chaos. The closest thing that others know to such a mindset is anger. When you're angry, it's hard to make a plan as to what you want to happen to the other person. That's another reason why they ha- recreational substance use and hereby glossed over extrinsic motivation outside a non-toxic long-term romance, are frequent occurrences in situations in which all therein lie, and since the psychopath's brain releases four times as much dopamine in response to the same amount of recreational substances or other stimulus, it feels so gosh-darn awesome, like they are a rockstar-ve such difficulty following plans.
What baffles me about this is how it is they are charming. I think that it's the opposite of charming, but that's probably more about me and my experiences than about them. I think the charm has something to do with the ingratiating. They tend to tell anti-social lies, so they usually tell a lot of prosocial lies as well. They are backstabbing, but in order to get to the metaphorical back, first they must smile a lot and tell you what you want to hear, even if it's hard to say, and even if it's very much not true.
Game Theory demonstrates that such a game as possible, and they've been playing it for as long as they can remember, so they are cunning. The psychopathic mind is quite a valid argument, but they make one mistake: Outside of certain situations, the argument is not sound, and the world in which they make decisions is merely based on reality, in only the worst of all possible cases is it strictly true, and they often lie their way into situations in which it is definitely not real. This is how they can be cunning instead of wise, and how they can defeat themselves. If you don't have cluster B personality disorder, and you have to defeat someone with cluster B personality disorder, remember, you cannot win, and you cannot have revenge. Their game is a wargame, and they've been playing it, perhaps longer than you've existed. As Clausewitz notes, war is just politics continued by other means, and in politics, everyone lies. Such a person is not someone that you should have a lasting nor trusting relationship with, and unless you 100% are one, never persistently have contact with such people. Unless they've succeeded in being out of their mind on recreational substances, the arguments they use for thoughts are utterly valid, so the validity of the arguments that they use for thoughts mean they are not "crazy" as such, just specialized for situations that you need to not have contact with, but unless their mentality is absolutely required for their jobs, and their jobs are absolutely necessary, this absolutely needs to end. The only possible antidote is to leave, then and forever, or run them out of there, then and forever. To run them out of there, you have to know only one person, or you have to first have an idea who they are. You can look up sociopath antidotes on the internet, but the key is, provide an environment that is unlike anything designed by someone on drugs, and in which as many of the people there as possible are honest. They are laboring under the conclusive presumption that no such environment exists, so once you do so, you provide an environment in which their mentality doesn't work. If the environment seems like it was designed on drugs, an objective experience resembles the subjective experience of someone having a drug trip, or if there, everyone lies, then you failed to provide the environment you need to provide. At that point, you probably haven't gotten out fast enough, so you need to leave then and forever.
The personality types can be defined in terms of protocol being, or failing to be, a deal. Asperger's is not about negotiation. It's about following plans and protocols, it is about the planning fallacy. It's a valid argument from the premise that consensus isn't a deal that must be reached, it is or will be a logically consistent plan followed by a tribe working as a team instead. Follow protocol, have a plan, and carry it out, without negotiation, and without vanity, not with authority figures, the group as a whole, nor with outcasts and outsiders. When someone has conduct and thought like this, theory of mind is of little use, since they are not there to understand the other person's mind, they're there to do the job. Neurotypicality is not about that. It's about making a deal with plans and protocol, no matter what that is. Even if the plan and protocol is de jure broken, there is another plan and protocol that is de facto followed. As Wikipedia notes, short, frequent back and forth utterances are a sign of negotiation. Neurotypicals have this a lot. For example, metaphors are a deal with the Grecian Maxims of Truth and Relevance. There are approximately four Grecian Maxims, and Truth and Relevance are two of them. On its face, you did not literally tell your friend to f*** your enemy. However, in toxic relationships and in such genres as romantic comedies, the character may literally f*** their enemy. Metaphor is alien to Asperger's people, explaining why such metaphor rich speeches as 1 and 0, black and white, go exactly nowhere.
Psychopathy may or may not pretend to make a deal, but they usually have no intention whatsoever of making a deal. A lie is just any representation with which you don't make a deal. In such cases as lies by omission, and Haystack lies, it can even be the truth. It's not necessarily a bad person if you yourself can't make a deal with them. They're just the wrong person for you to know. And if they are bad, then perhaps their badness is necessary. Or perhaps good is not something with which they should make a deal, for sometimes deals do fall through for no reason, and perhaps good is making too many or the wrong demands, whatever that may mean. Unless you yourself have cluster B personality disorder, do not go around extorting good out of people. That's not how to make a deal.
Neurotypicality is a confabulation that is helpful in agreeing with, obeying and navigating what unbeknownst to the neurotypical, is a dystopia in which some, and not all, lie. It's about getting to yes, it's about making the deal with unsuspected evil. Dystopia is a human cultural universal, explaining why dystopian fiction and neo-noir can be the most realistic genre. In real life power struggles, evil prevails, so the board of directors and their subordinates, such as the lobbyists, the lawmakers, police, the military, and the court, must exist and function as such, and turn cluster B personality disorder into an enterprise. The political and religious figures that speak out against homosexuality are often men that "secretly" have sex with males, the politicians leave behind little other than political campaigns, wreckage from treating emergencies as emergencies and responding to them, and broken promises, and the significant other is likely to leave or be left. Dishonesty and evil, often indefensibly and unthinkably illegal, immoral, and illegal acts, are human cultural universals. These are all human cultural universals. Neurotypicality is about believing what is expedient to say and using it as tools in a world that makes life difficult, but possible. It's about confabulation, gullibility, and not knowing or not being deeply aware of such antisocial and often unhelpful truths. It's about speaking their conveniently and helpfully fallible mind in a sometimes dishonest and malicious environment. It's about being and staying PIMI.
These are the similarities and differences between the mafia and the state: the mafia extract material gain by threatening to physically render someone physically unable to leave an environment and when they don't get their way, following through, and so does the Tax Service. The Mafia have breaking your legs, and the tax service has prison. The mafia lobbies the government, and the followers of the mafia are ethnic nationalists that believe the system that what the government does and governs is rigged. Otherwise, the only difference between what the mafia do and govern and what the government does and governs is the name of the acts, which acts are said to not be happening. So other than what people say and believe, there is really no difference.
One cannot survive by being a revolutionary, and least of all by being one motivated by Asperger's. In war, anyone that does not unthinkingly follow the so-called "friendly" side is the enemy, one of them exactly the same as the other. This includes the actual enemy, and it includes anyone that disagrees or thinks. People that think includes Asperger's people. In the Lynn Stewart effect, it even includes a lawyer representing their client, if you are the defendant during war, you have no recognized right to legal representation, and your lawyer has no recognized right to represent you. Trustees of Dartmouth College v. Woodward, 17 U.S. (4 Wheat.) 518 (1819) is a lie, it's a too-good-to-be-true offer. Also, having a significant other that you trust is awesome when it goes right, even if they eventually will leave you, or you will leave them. Psychopathy usually doesn't work either, because if you have martial virtues, you'll get martial results, which is usually prison or untimely death from unhealthy habits, such as substance abuse. Therefore, one must accept the status quo as good and just, even if experience or countless hours of constant research reveals that it is not so, and to an unthinkable degree fails to be so. Subject to the simple fact that it's an incredibly corrupt and gullible thing to do, neurotypicals can be highly proficient at navigating such an unthinkably corrupt and inept system. Policy experts are baffled at the dysrationalia (credit to Wikipedia for the term and examples, both cited and exhibited in such phenomena as "biting," see WP:BITE) and the evil, while all else are contented and complacent. It can be what passes for a good life, which is why it's the most frequent occurrence, but it doesn't make any sense, because it doesn't require that it makes sense. Unlike the psychopathic mind, the neurotypical mind is not a valid argument, it's gullibility. It's a confabulation coming from believing lies that the leadership and those that fight for them, such as police, orderlies and gangsters, tell. It's a charming and good lie, technically known as a blue lie, and being on the scale of an entire society, it's a noble lie, but it's still a lie. Institutions such as television, radio, government, workplace buffoonery, corporate music, motivational speaking and motivational posters tell us this pro-social lie. Corporate America is fundamentally based on conforming to the same mediocre task, again and again, eternally. As Anarcho-communist literature notes, imagine two units of time, 36 seconds, and the rest of your life, spend preparing for, doing, and recovering from this one task, again and again. That's Corporate America. As Chomsky notes, Corporate America is fundamentally based on conformity and mediocrity, and neurotypical hyper-focus and other attributes fit these requirements. This is an example of how good and right are not necessarily the same thing.
Also, there is Williams syndrome, also known as WBS. It's a confabulation in which someone believes the party line, and gets with the program, without negotiation and without expecting consistency. Such people are generally not capable of adulting.
Given who's where, when they are there, who talks to whom, and when they do, what happens to someone and how they are perceived as more about the other person than the person on the receiving end. Life is not about being not a psychopath. It's not about whether you are Asperger's. It's not about not being of a particular brain structure, it's about being in the right place at the right time, and talking to the right people at the right time. To take on the photography style of advice, I hereby dispassionately look to one side while frowning gently, with the camera at 45 degrees from the center of my look.

I have a bow I’m going to give to a player. I won’t go into the specifics of how it functions unless you want to know, but I plan on giving it 100 effects. They range from useful, to use less, to straight up weird. Nothing to overpowered, like “They die instantly”. The bow is meant to be a gamble, but with more absurdity then power.
Once an effect on the bow has been used by the player, the effect is no longer usable, unless it is a 100. If an affect that is used up is rolled again, then it just does normal damage.
Unless specified otherwise, the arrow will do the normal damage of a longbow.
The final list I use for my player may or may not have all the items listed here, unless there are duplicates, or I don't like them, but once the I fill out the list here, it will remain as it is after a few minor edits for typos. The full magic item will be posted somewhere else when I finish it.
The bow has a system for saving throws, and the effect happens when the arrow hits the target, so unless you specify, it is assumed that the target still takes the damage of a long bow.
This is a 5E, item so keep that in mind. If the arrow has a spell effect, nothing above let’s say 5th level, unless it is a spell which does something more funny than harmful, so no power word kill, but yes to Otto’s Irresistible dance.

1. The arrow now acts as a Chaos Bolt, (xanathar’s guide).
2. The arrow becomes a dandelion, and the petals will spread dandelion weeds to the nearby area. No damage is done to the target unless they are allergic or your target was a garden.
3. The target will speak deep speech for the next minute, and no other language, though they can still comprehend other languages.
4. The arrow now assumes the effects of the lightning arrow spell.
5. The arrow hits with a +1.
6. The target is now soaked in water.
7. The target now has one luck point, which will not come back later upon use.
8. The target must make a wisdom saving or be polymorphed into an earthworm.
9. The arrow will act as a cure wounds spell at first level, healing the target instead of hurting it. The target takes no damage, obviously.
10. The target can speak with animals for the next minute.
11. The target can now cast fireball once, but must make an intelligence saving throw to be able to comprehend it unless they are a wizard. The target takes no damage from the arrow.
12. The target will now have a passion for gardening. The target takes double damage, as if they were hit be a critical hit.
13. The target’s alignment shifts to the opposite end of the spectrum, permanently. True neutral and unaligned are unaffected.
14. The arrow turns into harmless bubbles, the target takes no damage.
15. The target grows a beard of feathers. This effect lasts until someone casts lesser restoration which will cause the feathers to explode off of the targets face, causing 1d6 piercing damage to the target. The arrow does normal damage.
16. The target will die in 30 years, if they don’t die sooner. The target knows this. The target takes psycic damage from the arrow instead of piercing.
17. Roll a d10, the target now has one of their toes disappear permanently. An odd number will be a toe from the right foot, and a an even number will be a toe on the left foot. The toe is determined by the DM.
18. The target must make a dexterity saving throw. Failure will result in the target taking full damage, and succeeding will result in the target taking full damage. The target take no damage from the arrow.
19. The target will be banished until the bow user’s next turn. They will be on a plane of the DM’s choice. The target takes no damage.
20. The target will be the owner of one new dog when they wake up the next morning. The dog will die by the next dawn after that. If the target dies before then, the dog will then be gifted to the player character. The dog still dies the morning after that. Wherever the target is when the dog dies, they will take 5d6 psychic damage, and be sad for 1d12 weeks.
21. The target is put under the effect of a greater restoration spell, taking no damage from the arrow. If there is nothing to cure, then they take normal damage from the arrow.
22. The target must make a dexterity check or be pushed back 10 feet.
23. The target is rewarded with copper pieces equal to the damage done. The copper falls harmlessly next to the target after being hit by the arrow.
24. Roll a d4. On an even number, the targets voice will become high pitched for a minute. On an odd number, the targets voice becomes low pitched for a minute.
25. The target makes a saving throw or polymorph into a giant orange baboon. Use stats of a giant ape. The target takes no damage from the arrow.
26. Roll a d4. On an odd number the target is shrunken as if under the effects of an enlarge/reduce spell. On an even number, the opposite happens, and the target grows.
27. The target now produces a stream of string cheese from their fingers for the next minute. They cannot control it, and the string cheese does not go away after the minute is up.
28. The arrow becomes a spectral arrow that allows the archer to see the target wherever they are for the next minute, as if there was a glowing outline around everyone that was visible even through walls or invisibility magic.
29. The target now has proficiency with piano.
30. You and the target switch places. You take the damage of the arrow.
31. u/DestroyMiddleClass When the arrow makes contact it immediately goes limp and, while still retaining the look and strength of an arrow, it wobbles around like a noodle. Target takes normal damage.
32. u/flail_snail42 Every creature within 30 feet of the target that speaks a language is compelled to say "Ni!" to the target for 30 seconds. Any of these creatures with an intelligence under 6 will pronounce it as "nu" and need to be corrected.
33. u/kandoras Exploding Arrow:As the arrow is fired, a large red stick appears tied to it, with a bit of burning string coming out of one end. Because the balance of the arrow is now off, the attack must be made with disadvantage. On a hit, the stick explodes as the fireball spell, on a miss the string with blown out and nothing happens.
34. u/kandoras Cupid's Shot: The head of the arrow changes to a heart shape. If the attack hits, it does no damage but does cast Charm Monster on your target and causes them to fall passionately in love with you while under the effect.
35. u/kandoras Acid Arrow: The arrow turns into a stream of acid, and functions as the Acid Arrow spell.
36. u/kandoras Patriot Arrow: Instead of flying at the target, the arrow instead flies straight up. It will then intercept the next ranged attack or spell targeted at the archer.
37. u/FracturedFaith When the arrow releases from the bowstring, it takes the shape of a bouncy ball, dealing bludgeoning damage instead of piercing damage. Roll 1d6. On a 4-6, the bouncy ball launches towards another target with 30 ft. of the original, dealing half of the original damage.
38. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes drunk. Disadvantage on all Int, Wis, Dex rolls. Target gains +2 STR and +5 temporary HP. If the target moves more than 1/2 it's movement in 1 turn, it has to make a DC 14 Dex check or fall prone. Target is immune to fear effects while drunk. Effect last 1d6 rounds.
39. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes hasted for 1d6 rounds, as if under the spell Haste.
40. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes incorporeal to wood for 1d6 rounds. If they end their turn while still in wood, they are forced out of it, taking 1d12 force damage.
41. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes invisible, as if under the effects of the Invisibility spell.
42. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes slowed for 1d6 rounds, as if under the effects of the Slow spell.
43. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes incorporeal to iron and steel for 1d6 rounds. They cannot be hit by any iron or steel weapons because of this. If they end their turn inside a structure made of iron, they are forced out, taking 2d12 force damage.
44. The target moves at half speed for 1d6 rounds
45. u/World_of_Ideas Target becomes the center of a "stinking cloud" spell. Spells area of effect moves with the target until duration ends or arrow is removed.
46. u/World_of_Ideas Roll 1d10. The target changes color (1. black / 2. blue / 3. brown / 4. green / 5. orange / 6. purple / 7. red / 8. silver / 9. yellow / 10. white). Effect last 1 hour.
47. u/World_of_Ideas Target gains the ability to walk on water. Effect last 1 hour
48. u/World_of_Ideas Target loses object permanence. If you can't see it, it can't see you. Anyone blinded, with their back turn, with their vision obscured, etc becomes invisible to the target. Lasts for 1d6 rounds.
49. u/World_of_Ideas Target inflates like a balloon and is affected by the "levitation" spell. Target is +1 to hit with ranged weapons while inflated. Effect last 2d6 rounds.
50. u/World_of_Ideas Target knows Kung Fu. Target gains the ability to use the monk "martial arts" ability, on a level equivalent to their own, or half of their challenge rating rounded up, minimum of one. This effect lasts 1d4 rounds.
51. u/World_of_Ideas Target releases excessive blood spray. For the next 1d6 rounds any cutting or piercing weapon that strikes the target releases a huge spray of blood. Blood spray covers everything in a 10ft cone on the side of impact. Creatures hit by blood spray must make a Dex save DC 14 or be blinded for 1 round. Terrain hit by blood spray becomes slippery difficult terrain. (scene from: Dracula dead and loving it).
52. u/World_of_Ideas Target is teleported 10ft (Roll 1d10, 1-2 left / 3-4 right / 5-6 forwards / 7-8 backwards / 9-10 up).
53. Target must make a wisdom saving throw or be polymorphed into a cow for 1d6 rounds. The target takes no damage from this arrow.
54. Target knows the secrets of the universe for 2 seconds, but then must live with the fact that they let it slip through their fingers, for the rest of their life.
55. Target must now speak like a gangster for 1d6 rounds, equivalent to undercommon.
56. Every time the target opens their mouth to speak, they speak in a different language for 1d6 rounds.
57. A snail is now chasing the target, the target knows this at all times. What happens when the snail reaches the target is unknown, but they feel the need to keep away from this snail.
58. The target can only make animal sounds. This effect lasts for 1d4 days.
59. u/DogmaSychroniser The arrow turns into a rose, then explodes in a shower of petals that dissolve into blobs of acid that will do 1d6 acid damage to any creature within five feet of the target failing a dex save.
60. u/Venom1991 Instant amnesia, but just from one week ago, to the week before it. Everything from this past week, and everything before two weeks ago can be recalled fine. This effect lasts for 1d12 hours.
61. u/World_of_Ideas Bad dubbing arrow. There is a 1d4 second delay from the time the target starts talking to the time anyone hears their voice. Also the word that people hear don't seem to match the movement of the targets mouth. Effect last 10 minutes.
62. The target is now able to cast create food and water once a day. The food is below average, and annoying to eat.
63. u/World_of_Ideas Death scene arrow. Target must make a DC 15 WIS save or be compelled to play out an overly dramatic death scene. They spend 1d6 rounds pretending to die (very bad acting). They spend another 1d6 rounds pretending to be dead (again, obviously bad acting). If the target has the performance skill and makes a DC20 performance check, everyone who witnesses the full death scene must make a DC 15 WIS save or be compelled to clap and cheer for 2 rounds. Effect ends immediately if anyone attacks the target during their death scene or the audience during the cheering.
64. u/World_of_Ideas If the target dies within 10 round of being hit, it's corpse transforms into a small shower of coins the type of which is determined by 1d6 (1-2 copper pieces, 3-4 silver pieces, 5-6 gold pieces). 10x (targets challenge rating or level) coins appear. If targets challenge rating is 0 then 1 coin appears.
65. u/World_of_Ideas Nightmare arrow. The target becomes the center of a 30 ft radius "fear" spell. Effect is centered on the target and moves with the target. Anyone within range who can see the target and fails the fear save will see their worst nightmare. The target will perceive any and all creatures it sees as its worst nightmare. Effect last 1 minute or until the arrow is removed.
66. u/World_of_Ideas One of the targets arms or forelimbs (determined by 1d6, 1-3 left / 4-6 right) shrinks to a ridiculously small size, while the opposite arm grows to giant size. Target is -3 STR with the shrunken arm and +3 STR with the oversized arm. The target also has a penalty of -1 AC and -5ft from its movement from being off balance. Effect last 1d6 rounds.
67. u/World_of_Ideas Paintball arrow. Arrow does no damage. It makes a large paint splat on the target. Target must succeed at a DC 15 WIS save or be compelled to sheath it's weapon and go stand off to one side (away from the fighting). While in "paintball death" the creature can't help or hinder the fight in any way. Effect last for 2d6 rounds or until someone attacks the target again.
68. u/World_of_Ideas Zombie Arrow. If the target dies within 10 rounds of being hit, it reanimates as a mindless zombie. The zombie is not under anyone's control and will attack the nearest living creature that it can perceive.
69. Nice. The target fails all charisma checks for 1d100 days.
70. u/Venom1991 Target instantly believes their name is zap. Permanent, although they could be convinced to change it back through persuasion. They won't respond to their old name though.
71. The target loses all tool proficiencies, if they have any.
72. The target has a sudden surge of a really good idea for a play, distracting them until the end of their next turn. Any attacks and all attacks until then have advantage when hitting that target.
73. The target knows that they won't die within the next 30 years. This, however, is a lie that they are telling themselves, and they will probably die within the next minute.
74. Everyone within 60 feet of the target permanently gains 6 inches in height.
75. The target's intelligence score is raised by 1 point permanently.
76. The target really hates all children now. Just a really strong dislike for anything under the age of 18, no matter what race or species.
77. The arrow splits into 4 arrows, which each go in the four cardinal directions after it hits the target (the original arrow going the direction it was headed, and the other 3 arrows going in the other directions). Any targets in the path of the arrows must make a dexterity check to avoid the arrows.
78. For one minute, the target has advantage on saving throws.
79. The arrow transforms into a rope, and the target must make a dexterity saving throw or be bound by the rope. The arrow does not do damage once it is a rope. On a fail the target is restrained by the rope, and can make a strength saving throw to break out. On a success, the target is not restrained by the rope. After a minute passes, or target escapes from the rope, the rope disappears, scattering to the ethereal plane (or your game world's equivalent).
80. The target takes force damage instead of piercing damage.
81. The target will now win any game of cards they play in, forever, even beyond death.
82. Every day, the target looses one bone, until eventually, they have no bones. The bones are collected by an Arch Fae of the DM's Choosing, and the soul of the target is now bound to servitude upon death, if the arch fae wants. The bones are determined by the dm, and the skull is always last.
83. The target can now grab what ever weapon they are holding from any distance as an action. This ability lasts for 1d12 months.
84. The target knows of any impending danger, and is able to dodge one attack before the end of their next turn. They do not take damage from the arrow this round. They choose what attack, and will completely avoid any damage.
85. The target gains proficiency in acrobatics skill for 1d12 days.
86. Congratulations! The target now has a really good sense for fashion now, and has been offered a job by an arch fae to design clothes for them. They will be notified via courier who will deliver them a letter to the last place they slept. The target must make a charisma saving throw or be compelled to rush to the letter to find out further instructions. If they fail, they run off the battle field and are never seen again on the prime material plane. (The DM Determines their true fate).
87. The target now has advantage on checks made to forge documents, permanently.
88. The target takes an additional 1d6 fire damage for every sharp object that hits it for 1d12 days, but only requires half the time to rest that it normally would for those same days.
89. The target can now dance very well while intoxicated. After drinking a full gallon of any alcoholic beverage, they have advantage on Charisma (performance) checks made to dance. This effect follows them into whatever afterlife they go to.
90. The target is now very clumsy until your next turn. No matter what they do, they have to make a dexterity check. If they fail, then they drop what ever item they are holding 10 feet away from them in the most convenient direction to the person shooting. If they attempt to move, they will fall prone every 5 feet (getting up still takes normal movement requirements).
91. The target is now immune to disease for 1d6 days. Good for them.
92. The target now has a small pouch on their person. This small pouch makes one electrum piece every dawn, and the pouch is indestructible. The pouch is frustratingly small, and requires a strength check of 18 along side a dexterity check of 18 to take the piece out. A new electrum piece will only be made once the last piece is taken out. You cannot store anything in the pouch. You can loot the pouch from the target upon death.
93. The arrow transforms into a bee, using the statistics of a bee, who hates the target, only that target, and is immortal for 1d12 days. It cannot be contained in a container of any kind for that time, but once the days are up, it dies instantly. It's name is Gorbachev, but that's for the bee to know, and the target to find out. The bee can be commanded for those days if the target finds out the name of the bee, something that you can figure out only if you have expertise in nature. The bee will spend every waking round attacking the target. The bee has +0 to hit, does 1 damage, and can speak and understand common (he sounds very angry all the time). He can be convinced to stop for one hour if the target passes a dc 20 persuasion check, but this works only once.
94. The target now knows the location of the nearest dinosaur, no matter the distance, and can use this ability once a day. If dinosaurs do not exist on this plane, then the target's head explodes, killing them instantly (hope you got some dinos DM).
95. The target is now the owner of an ornate bowl, encrusted with gems worth 500 gp, which is placed in the last place that they slept, and they know this.
96. The target gains an intelligence of 20 until their next turn.
97. The target knows a ritual to summon the end times, but can't convince anyone to join them unless through magical means.
98. The target can now jump as if under the effects of the jump spell until their next turn.
99. The target is invisible until their next turn.
100. The shooter can choose one option from this list, and that is the effect the arrow causes.

Let me start by saying, I like Carrot. She's quirky, strong, knows when to be serious vs silly, and has a fun dynamic with the rest of the Straw Hats. All the ingredients needed for a new crew member. However, when people argue for this they usually start with the conclusion ("I like Carrot, she's joining the SHs) and then search for evidence to prove themselves right.

THIS IS BAD SCIENCE.

So instead, let's be good scientists and look at all the evidence first, then see what conclusions we can draw. Below are quick summaries of each Straw Hat's journey into the crew. Let's see if we can find any patterns that point to Carrot being on this path.
Zoro - Luffy says he wants Zoro to join his crew in Chapter 2, before they've even met. They meet in Chapter 3 and Luffy insists he joins. Zoro declines. After fighting together through out the arc he accepts.
Nami - Luffy meets Nami in Chapter 8, at the end of which Nami proposes they team up. In Chapter 9 Luffy formally asks her to join the crew. She declines. She then tricks Luffy by saying she'll join if he helps her steal from Buggy. He agrees. They sail and fight together through out the next four arcs. At the conclusion of Arlong Park she officially becomes a member.
Ussop - Luffy meets Ussop in Chapter 23, at the end of which Ussop suggests he joins the SHs, as captain. Luffy declines. After fighting together through out the arc Usopp joins (not as captain). Luffy says "you're already our crew mate, aren't you?"
Sanji - Luffy meets Sanji in Chapter 44. At the beginning of Chapter 45 Luffy asks Sanji to join his crew. Sanji declines. After fighting together through out the arc Sanji accepts.
Chopper - Luffy meets Chopper in Chapter 139. He tries to eat him. In chapter 140 Nami asks Chopper to join the crew. He declines. At the end of that chapter Luffy asks Chopper to join. He declines again. After fighting together through out the arc Chopper accepts.
Robin - Luffy meets Robin in Chapter 114. He can't decide if she's good or bad. They don't see each other again till Chapter 170. Robin saves Luffy's life in Chapter 180. Robin turns on Crocodile in chapter 203. Robin saves Luffy's life from Croc's poison, Luffy saves Robin's life from collapsing building. After the events of Alabasta Robin sneaks on board the Merry and asks to join. Luffy says yes, concluding that she in fact good.
Franky - Luffy meets Franky in Chapter 335. They hate each other and fight immediately. They later join forces. After fighting together through out the arc Luffy asks Franky to join. Franky at first declines, but after heartfelt speeches from his friends (and Robin's, ahem, persuasive hands) he accepts.
Brook - Luffy meets Brook in Chapter 442. He asks him about his poop then asks him to join his crew. Brook accepts but later declines. After fighting together through out the arc Brook accepts.
Jimbei - Luffy meets Jimbei in chapter 540, Ace had already told Jimbei all about Luffy and asked him to protect him. Jimbei carefully analyzes Luffy to see if he's worthy. They fight and travel together for the next two arcs. Jimbei saves Luffy's life a number of times and councils him through his grief. They separate at chapter 597. They meet again (after the timeskip) in Chapter 619. After fighting together through out the arc Luffy asks Jimbei to join his crew. Jimbei reluctantly declines. They meet again in Whole Cake Island and in chapter 863 Jimbei officially declares his intention of joining the SH. He doesn't get his own "Member of the Straw Hat Pirates" text box until the most recent chapter, 977
​
So what have we learned? A pre-requisite to joining the crew is fighting alongside the Straw Hats through out an arc. Check for Carrot! However, the best bet in determining if someone's going to become a Straw Hat is if LUFFY ASKS YOU TO JOIN RIGHT AWAY. Not good for Carrot (poor Rabbit). There are three characters who have joined while being exceptions to this rule; Robin, Franky, and Jimbei. Let's see if Carrot's story has any similarities to their's.
With Franky we knew the SHs were getting a new crew member before we even met him. In Chapter 322 Luffy declared they were going to Water 7 to find a shipwright to join their crew. We didn't know who it would be but we knew it would be someone. Turns out it was Franky. This became clear in Enies Lobby when he distinguished himself as the only non-SH to fight CP9 1 on 1.
Robin's probably the most unique case to join the crew. She was a mystery throughout the Alabasta Saga and her joining the crew was a shocker to readers and characters alike. Later, Oda dedicated most of the Enies Lobby arc to solidifying her place in the crew.
Jimbei's joining was a sloooooooow burn. He and Luffy became very close during the events of Marineford, it then took almost half the series for Jimbei to join. Luffy doesn't even ask him to join until chapter 649 when they literally exchange blood.
So where does this leave Carrot? Unlike with Franky, Luffy hasn't declared the need to fill a position that Carrot can hold. Unlike with Robin there would be no "surprise factor" with Carrot joining. And unlike with Jimbei there's no hyper intense bond forged over many years (both in universe time and out).
What does Carrot have going for her? She has the above mentioned quirky/strong traits, she's sailed on the Straw Hat ship for a long time, and she's fought along the crew for multiple arcs (two or three depending on how you categorize the action of Zou). It's totally possible that she joins the crew and becomes a 4th exception to the above. But is it likely? Let's see if there are any other characters with similar cases to Carrot.
Johnny and Yosaku - They both sailed and fought with the SHs for multiple arcs. Did not get character focus. Did not get offer extended to become Straw Hat.
Vivi - Sailed and fought with SHs for multiple arcs. She got a lot of character focus and developed intense relationship with the crew. They asked her to join, she declined.
Ace - Fought with SHs for a bit. Got lots of character focus. Intense relationship with Luffy. Ace asked Straw Hats to join the Whitebeard crew. They declined. Ace is Currently dead.
Bon Clay - Kind of traveled and fought with the SHs (Impel Down). Has gotten some character focus. Developed intense relationship with Luffy. Never asked to join.
Kinemon - Has sailed and fought with the SHs for multiple arcs. Has gotten some character focus, unlikely to join crew.
Gangster Gastino - Sailed with and kind of fought with SHs for multiple arcs. Was hated by the rest of the crew the entire time. Never asked to join.
Pedro - Sailed and fought with the SHs for one arc. Got some character focus. Currently dead.
In this respect, Carrot doesn't seem special enough to warrant an exception to the rules established above. So based on all the evidence IT IS VERY UNLIKELY CARROT JOINS THE CREW. That doesn't mean it's impossible, it would just break all story-telling patterns Oda has set up for the past 20 years. But that's ok, if you pat her head and give her a carrot she'll be just fine.
TLDR: Carrot's journey with the Straw Hats hasn't resembled a crew member's enough to think she's joining.

Firstly, I am not the girl, nor am I the brother in law, or in anyway related to this tragic incident. I'm just posting this for the sake of helping this girl to find justice, so please upvote if you want to help so this get some mainstream exposure. I'm not bullshitting you for upvotes, hence the throwaway account. I do not know what is the appropriate subreddit to post besides this one. If you can, mods, please pin this post. I urge you to fight for this girl.
WARNING: This is going to be a very long post, I appreciate very much if you can find the time to read it.
Some background info:

• She is Vietnamese. She posted this confession publicly, and a few pages and people on facebook have also posted this to get exposure, with her approval.
• She hasn't gotten any mainstream news outlet exposure in her favor, besides a few posts that belongs to Vietnamese news pages on Facebook, allegedly because her family is trying to cover it all up for the sake of her brother in law. The papers that have been written are all half assed dot com articles, posted by government regulated sites. Every article is portraying her as a liar and a psycho through his words and him has a saint through the words of his coworker. Every person interviewed is saying the same thing "He's a good coworker, he won't do those things." They did not interview the girl's friends, classmates or teachers, just the guy's.
• Her brother in law is a high profile news reportehost of Vietnamese's most popular national TV station, VTV. And he's about to be the Vietnamese host of the upcoming World Cup, an important sports event to many country including our own, so he will not admit what she said is right to give up the upcoming "boost" in his career.
• She is the third child in the family. Her dad is the director of Ninh Bình Maternity Hospital, a very rich and powerful man. And according to our country's law, public employees can't have more than 2 children, the dad was allegedly about to get a promotion, so he gave up her as adoption when she was a child to someone else, this has been confirmed by her teacher when looking through her files.
• Her family has "locked her up" from the outside world by changing all her passwords and not allowing her to have access to any social media platform. Her sister and brother has publicly testified against her, saying she's lying for attention.
• Her family is now allegedly trying to get papers to prove that she's a paranoid schizophrenic. Her father being a doctor, although in a different department can still call in favors, this is not very hard to do. They allegedly even got a doctor as a scapegoat to sign the papers so if anything happens that doctor will be the one to blame for "misdiagnosing" and not her family.
• All info I'm using is from https://www.facebook.com/bmsb.vn/, Bí mật Showbiz, one of the few semi mainstream pages on her side.'
• The brother in law says the reason for her making these "irrational accusations" are derived from the girl's failed attempt of stabbing his wife is a pair of scissors. Although even if that was true, it is in no way necessary to punch her like that (see pics in link below, the guy's like twice the girl's size!!!). And her 2nd sister has said that she is "very aggressive" and is "willing to fight everybody", and she's just "fishing for attention". Although you can tell very clearly from her school-related oriented posts that she is in no way interested in that kind of attention.

The only reason I'm posting it here is because the only possible way to help her is to get some sort of international attention.
The following will be a translation of this girl's post. I've paraphrased a few parts, mostly idioms and such. Note that English is not my first language and there are a lot of idioms and local speech that's hard to translate so excuse any shitty translations.
"Hello everyone, today I'm here to share my story to everyone, as well as mentioning a few current related issues in society which I think not alot of people my age dare to speak up about. So I hope you can help me, as well as others like me.
This is a story about abuse, more precisely, "child abuse".
I am currently 15 years old, an age a child is protected and taken care of by the law. My life is very average, everyday come and go to school, eat and drink, until that monster showed up.
He is my eldest sister's husband. I don't want to call him my "brother" or "brother in law" because I'm absolutely disgusted and frightened of this monster, and I feel dirty just to call him with words containing such respect. Even now as I'm sitting and typing these lines, I can still feel goosebumps and revolted everytime I remember his face.
He and my sister got married back in 2013, when I was transitioning into 6th grade. My family originally resided in Ninh Bình, with the intention of getting me into Hà Nội when I was just starting 5th grade. My parents back then haven't bought the house where I'm living now, which was in Nam Trung Yên. Note that my parents bought the place, and he is just living there.
My eldest sister even though was married, still has her job in Ninh Bình, so she can't move to Hà Nội yet, it was just me and my second sister who was in 11th grade at the time (currently studying abroad) living with him in the house. The first few months, everything was fine, he showed off all his best qualities to my entire family, he was always bragging about how "I'm religious so I know right from wrong" and "my entire career was built from nothing", this and that so my relatives all like him very much, their thoughts must've been something along the lines of "my niece hit the jackpot with this one".
But everything has 2 sides. My eldest sister doesn't live with him so she doesn't know, but I've been living with him for 5 years now, so I am more than well known of this less-than-an-animal's true nature. At the end of the first semester of my 6th grade, my parents bought a new house and I along with my 2nd sister went to live with him. It was still my parents' property.
This is where the true story begins. He started to reveal what he truly is. To be honest with you, I've been continuously beaten during the entirety of 6th grade. He kept using this long rod made from a length of wood and hit me, and I could only lie face down on the floor and take it. And you wanna know the reason? Because I have a crush on someone. I don't know how he spied or get the school security to spy on me or something, but one day he called me and threatened me :"Don't you dare fuck around, I know everything, I had the school security spy on you and met with the guy you like, you best be careful." Does a normal brother in law talk to his wife's sister like this? When I started living with him, he did talk about with my parents about how he would "look after me", and "think of me as his sister". Ok, I'll bite. I let him beat me. And it hurt so bad. He would always hit me around the legs and thighs, so the next day at school no one could see it. I have a crush on someone, he punishes me, I get a bad grade, he punishes me. Fucking animal. 6th grade was truly hell for me, except for the fact that I still have friends in school.
7th grade, my second sister went studying abroad and my eldest sister moved in with me. The rate of beatings has diminished, but now he also abuses my sister - his own wife. I couldn't tell you how many times. One time my sister shoved him, fighting back, but was subsequently slammed against a closet and a bedside. She had bruises all over. And that time, the maid intervened. If she hadn't, I don't know what would've happened. My sister took pictures of her bruises and sent it to my mom. And my mom was furious, she wanted to talk to him. This animal was really persuasive, bragging about his AP literature, and his knowledge of martial arts. He talked to my parents, admitted his wrongdoings and says he'll went to church to confess. Yup. I wanna add that after that, all subsequent beatings to my sister only led to him to go to church and confess again. I guess you can just go confess and get away with everything.
I believe that he will remain an animal his entire life. My sister put of with him because of the twins she had. She stayed up day and night to breastfeed them while all he did was move out of the room to avoid the crying. And he even had the balls to say "My kids would be better off without you." and "You think you're the only one who knows how to give birth?". I really really don't understand the words coming from this monster's mouth.
I've just finished 10th grade now, and to tell you the truth, 10th grade was so bad and horrible because I had to deal with him daily. I ran away at the beginning of 10th grade because I had truly hit the limit with what I can take with this animal. Before the day I left, me and him had a fight, he beat me, he used the most despicable, unthinkable words a man can come up with. And when I returned, he pretended like he had no idea, like nothing happened. My parents at the time mentioned moving. The house I live in now is different from the one back in 7th grade, and he calls it "his house". But really though, half the money was paid by my parents. All the furniture, from the tables to the drapes, were moved in from the old house, which my mom personally picked and bought. I said very clearly and coherently that there is now way I will be under the same roof with this degenerate anymore, and my parents have expressed near absolute agreement and decided to move me out. But I don't understand how later on he says "Let her stay here so she can continue studying"???? He truly would not let me go. And you know what? My parents once again blindly listened to what he said. I tried to endure as much as I can so I can study and go abroad as fast as possible to escape the prison with this animal.
Another time, my parents had to go to this wedding, in Singapore. They brought my sister with them. I went downstairs and begged them to bring me with them, but they refused. So I sat down there and waited, instead going up, where he was. But he went down, dragged and pulled my arm and slapped me. Just one of many times.
Everytime he abuses me, he would always find a way to talk, to persuade my parents, always an excuse along the lines of "I'm just trying to raise her right"
Yesterday was my school's closing ceremony. I was very tired so I slept from 6PM to 11PM before getting up for a bath. I know he often returns in that time of day so I tried to bathe as fast as I could so he could change his clothes. And no, he did not come home from work, but from hanging out, in case anyone mistakes him for working late wanting to take a bath and that I was somehow bothering him. And while I was bathing, he continuously cusses outside "Hurry up, all fucking day you're home and you choose now to take a fucking bath". When I was done bathing, he was sitting by the dining table, I said "You talk like you're so tough", and went to my room. He called me back and said "What'd you say?". I said "You didn't hear it the first time, don't bother" and he ran and pulled me back, pointing his fingers at my face "Say that again, I'll slap the shit out of you." I said, "Do it, I dare you." As expected, he slapped me so hard it flipped my face to the side. I used all my strength to hit him as hard as I can with my arm and it dislocated my shoulder immediately. He punched me right in the mouth.
I couldn't keep my composure and cussed at him, saying even my parents don't hit me, least of all you, I said "A thug will always be a thug" (He had always bragged about how he and his brothers know how to fight and hangs out with gangsters), he ran straight into my room and continued to punch me and push me in the side of the bed, luckily only my legs, thighs and back were injured, my head was fine. And luckily my sister and the maid came to stop him, otherwise he might've killed me.
Last night I did not sleep whatsoever from all the pain, my mouth was bleeding nonstop, and that monster is still sleeping unworrily like a baby. I don't know who to call for help because my parents are in Korea, and my eldest sister is his wife so she can't do anything, I DM'ed my second sister in America but she didn't care. I don't understand what's wrong with this world.
And let me tell you who this degenerate is. His name is Nguyễn Minh Tiệp, aka Nguyễn Đức Tiệp, working at VTV. Anyone needs his facebook, it's Tiệp Nguyễn.
I don't know if this post is going to spread or not because he knows many journalists who will take his side. And I can take a guess that when my parents returns to Vietnam, this animal will still find away to cover it up like many times before. I'm doing as best as I can to not curse in this post because I hope you can all see the true face of that animal and share the post so other people can see it too. I share this story expecting backlash, but I'm not afraid. I am willing to defend my rights.
I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN ALL HELP SAVE ME
Down below are pics of my injuries, the body bruises are all in NSFW places. Next to the pics are his face.
Don't let an animal like him stain and filth the nation's TV station.
Thank you all for reading."
I translated everything from this facebook post:https://www.facebook.com/bmsb.vn/posts/1258288940970966 , pics are in the post.
The girl's facebook:https://www.facebook.com/zungmonglung?ref=br_rs , the original post has been deleted, presumably by her parents, who has also changed her password and disconnected her from social media.
Here's the screenshots for all those who think I'm making this up. https://imgur.com/a/hU1UNWI I fucked up the order so read from the bottom up.

[kcna.kp](www.kcna.kp)
Pyongyang, September 22 (KCNA) -- Respected Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, chairman of the State Affairs Commission of the DPRK, released a statement on Thursday.
The full text of the statement reads:
The speech made by the U.S. president in his maiden address on the UN arena in the prevailing serious circumstances, in which the situation on the Korean peninsula has been rendered tense as never before and is inching closer to a touch-and-go state, is arousing worldwide concern.
Shaping the general idea of what he would say, I expected he would make stereo-typed, prepared remarks a little different from what he used to utter in his office on the spur of the moment as he had to speak on the world's biggest official diplomatic stage.
But, far from making remarks of any persuasive power that can be viewed to be helpful to defusing tension, he made unprecedented rude nonsense one has never heard from any of his predecessors.
A frightened dog barks louder.
I'd like to advise Trump to exercise prudence in selecting words and to be considerate of whom he speaks to when making a speech in front of the world.
The mentally deranged behavior of the U.S. president openly expressing on the UN arena the unethical will to "totally destroy" a sovereign state, beyond the boundary of threats of regime change or overturn of social system, makes even those with normal thinking faculty think about discretion and composure.
His remarks remind me of such words as "political layman" and "political heretic" which were in vogue in reference to Trump during his presidential election campaign.
After taking office Trump has rendered the world restless through threats and blackmail against all countries in the world. He is unfit to hold the prerogative of supreme command of a country, and he is surely a rogue and a gangster fond of playing with fire, rather than a politician.
His remarks which described the U.S. option through straightforward expression of his will have convinced me, rather than frightening or stopping me, that the path I chose is correct and that it is the one I have to follow to the last.
Now that Trump has denied the existence of and insulted me and my country in front of the eyes of the world and made the most ferocious declaration of a war in history that he would destroy the DPRK, we will consider with seriousness exercising of a corresponding, highest level of hard-line countermeasure in history.
Action is the best option in treating the dotard who, hard of hearing, is uttering only what he wants to say.
As a man representing the DPRK and on behalf of the dignity and honor of my state and people and on my own, I will make the man holding the prerogative of the supreme command in the U.S. pay dearly for his speech calling for totally destroying the DPRK.
This is not a rhetorical expression loved by Trump.
I am now thinking hard about what response he could have expected when he allowed such eccentric words to trip off his tongue.
Whatever Trump might have expected, he will face results beyond his expectation.
I will surely and definitely tame the mentally deranged U. S. dotard with fire.

Debate on Pot Legalization Heats up in California
The debate over a California initiative to legalize recreational marijuana sparked heated rejoinders from both sides this week.
Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R) suggested that legalization "will better deploy law enforcement resources. Energy that is now put into harassing inoffensive users of marijuana can be redirected toward suppressing more serious crimes like rape and murder."
Leading opponent of legalization, Ventura Police Chief Ken Corney, president of the California Police Chiefs Association, challenged the Congressman "to name one so-called rape or murder victim who might otherwise have been spared if police officers weren't occupied enforcing our drug laws."
"Potheads like to portray dope smoking as a harmless activity, but its impacts are insidious and long lasting," Corney maintained. "The harm to society is more pervasive than the more isolated rape or murder. Saving an entire generation from addiction and its ill-effects strikes me as more important than a futile effort to save the relatively few impacted by these other crimes, especially since the vast majority of police action on these comes after-the-fact. The true choice is between us basically 'cleaning up' after a rape or murder vs. proactively intervening to modify self-destructive behavior across a broader cohort of the population."
Rohrabacher characterized Corney's stance as "an example of the nanny-state at its worst. Misguided do-gooders once thought that using police to prevent people from ruining their lives by consuming alcohol was appropriate. Most now recognize what a mistake that was as it fueled the rise of notorious gangsters like Al Capone during Prohibition. Our modern-day repetition of that mistake with attempts to suppress marijuana provide the environment for violent drug-smuggling gangsters and the mayhem they inflict on communities across the nation."
Zuckerberg Denies Suppressing Conservative News
Reports that Facebook moderators routinely suppress trending news favorable to conservatives were vigorously denied by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who claimed "I don't even know who the leaders of the conservative movement are. So how can I or my employees be biased against them?"
This is the second display of ideological bias to issue from Zuckerberg this year. Earlier, the Facebook executive berated employees for abusing a company-granted "freedom-of-expression" policy to write "all lives matter" on a wall devoted to free expression in the company's Melo Park, California headquarters. "I could not allow the insensitivity toward the 'Black lives matter' meme to sneak in under the protection of so-called 'freedom of speech,'" Zuckerberg explained. "Freedom must be used responsibly and appropriately. No one has the right to utter opinions that are hurtful to others."
Zuckerberg offered to "meet with alleged leaders of the conservative moment, if there are any of reputable stature, to discuss whatever objections they may raise to the way I run my company. However, this should not be construed as a capitulation to demands that I modify my policies. Facebook will never become a haven for anti-social and anti-progressive elements to air their perverted views."
President Decrees New Nationwide School Restroom & Locker Room Law
In a bid aimed at "stopping a confusing patchwork of divergent rules," President Obama issued an executive order mandating that every public school in the United States make all previously sexually-segregated restrooms and locker rooms open to persons of both sexes. Instead of relying on biological differences to determine which toilets, which showers, or which athletic teams students should have access to, schools must now use psychological differences. Biological males who think of themselves as female must be allowed to use facilities previously restricted to biological females, and vice versa.
Vanita Gupta, head of the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division hailed the President's action as "the final blow against the last barrier to a fully non-discriminatory society. This erases the false notion that biology is destiny. The presence or absence of physical attributes has for too long shunted individuals into roles they may not wish to accept. The President's order frees everyone to be whoever or whatever they want to be."
Gupta said she was "confident we will get universal compliance. Billions of dollars in federal aid to education can be withheld from school districts that refuse to obey the President's decree. The price of archaic attachment to out-dated ideas will be too steep for financially strapped schools to pay."
Judge Blocks Restitution to Innocent Man
Guillermo Espinoza's efforts to retrieve $19,894 seized by Arkansas State Police were brought to an abrupt halt by Judge Chris Williams. State prosecutors asked that the money be returned to Espinoza since no criminal charges were being pursued against him. Williams rejected this request on the grounds that Espinoza had missed the 10-day deadline for filing the papers to initiate restitution.
As Williams sees it, "the rules on civil forfeiture are clearly spelled out in statute. Whether or not Mr. Espinoza was or wasn't engaged in any illegal activity is irrelevant. Arkansas law gives the government the right to seize assets it deems may have a connection to a crime. Even if that connection turns out to be illusory, the procedure for reclaiming the seized assets is specified. Mr. Espinoza failed to adhere to that procedure. Thus, the State cannot return the money to him."
"The civil forfeiture statute is not inextricably tied to the fate of any criminal investigation or prosecution," Williams pointed out. "Over the history of this statute it has transferred over $80 million into the state treasury. Acquiring revenues is also a legitimate function of government. For me to deviate from the civil forfeiture statute in pursuit of some notion of judicial fairness would abrogate this important revenue-raising function of the law. That is beyond my powers as a judge."
As an aside, the Judge speculated that "it is by no means certain that the public good would be better served by according Mr. Espinoza a just resolution of his case. The private uses to which he might put the money might easily be eclipsed by the public good that can be done by having the State spend that money on purposes of broader social benefit to all Arkansans."
White House Dismisses Court Ruling on Obamacare
Federal Judge Rosemary Collyer's ruling that the Obama Administration has been illegally subsidizing health insurance companies failed to faze the President or his minions.
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked "the impotence of the President's political opponents. These court cases are an act of desperation. The GOP has lost this battle in the public arena. Voters reelected President Obama. That gives him all the mandate he needs to govern this country. Complaining that Congress never appropriated the money for the subsidies seeks to elevate a constitutional technicality above the will of voters."
The "constitutional technicality" that Judge Collyer found persuasive in her ruling was from Article I, section 9: "No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by Law."
Earnest contended that "a president's executive action is, effectively, a lawmaking power. President Obama has used this power to bypass Congress's refusal to carry out its responsibility to fully fund the Affordable Care Act. The President has said on numerous occasions that he will take action if Congress fails to do so. This is one of those occasions. He feels confident that this Judge's ruling will be overturned by a higher court."
"The stodgy old 'separation of powers' dogma is an impediment to efficient government," Earnest added. "Each branch of government should be considered an alternate option for moving the country forward. Sometimes Congress may be the best option. Other times the Courts or the President may be. The crucial thing is to keep us on track for the advancement of progressive values and social justice. Since this is what President Obama has been doing for the last seven years there is no good reason for him to stop, no matter what anyone says."
NYC Mayor Orders Bars to Serve Pregnant Women
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio banned bars operating in the city from refusing to serve alcohol to pregnant women. This is despite virtually universal medical advice against the consumption of alcohol by expectant mothers.
The Mayor said he is "cognizant of the damage that might be done to an unborn child if its mother imbibes, but the possibility of harm is not a sufficient reason for a business establishment to discriminate against these women. Under New York's laws a woman has an unconstrained right to kill her unborn child if she so chooses. The less extreme option of merely damaging the child's health by consuming alcohol is also her prerogative."
De Blasio cautioned that his new edict "does not absolve bar owners from posting warnings about the dangers of birth defects from alcohol consumption by pregnant women, nor from being sued by any customers whose child may experience these defects. We are protecting the right of women to pursue happiness. We are not immunizing vendors from bearing the responsibility for the consequences to customers who consume their products."
Clinton Foundation Scandals Pooh-Poohed by Insider
Bill Allison, a senior fellow at the Sunlight Foundation, a government watchdog group, labeled the so-called charity "a slush fund for the Clintons. Only a small fraction of the money raised is distributed as aid. The vast bulk of the money is used on administration, travel, salaries and bonuses, with the fattest payouts going to family friends."
Clinton Foundation spokesman Craig Minassian asserted that "no laws have been broken. How any charitable trust spends the funds it receives is a matter of discretion. The donors all gave voluntarily. They wanted the Clinton family to have this money. We haven't heard any complaints from them."
One possible explanation for the absence of some complaints was that the governments of Algeria, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates, Oman and Qatar from which donations were obtained all got Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's approval to purchase $165 billion worth of armaments despite being ruled by authoritarian regimes guilty of numerous human rights abuses.
Minassian contended that the arms deals "were good for American businesses" and that "extracting cash from Middle Eastern dictatorships in order to pay for the salaries and perks enjoyed by Foundation employees is a good thing. Donald Trump charges Hillary with being crooked, but even he has got to be envious of the alchemy she has achieved via the synergistic combination of her public and private power."
In related news, the hedge fund run by Chelsea Clinton's husband Marc Mezvinsky suffered a catastrophic 90% loss. Mezvinsky issued a statement aimed at reassuring the general public that "neither the beloved former First Daughter nor I will experience any financial setbacks from this debacle. My commissions have already been collected and our assets are insulated from attachment. Our $10 million home is safe and our lifestyle will not be negatively affected."
London Mayor Endorses Hillary, Warns against Electing Trump
Recently elected London Mayor Sadiq Khan formally endorsed Hillary Clinton for president and warned that "her Republican opponent's ignorant anti-Muslim views will bring retribution."
"The gift of Islam is free for the taking," Khan said. "All are welcome to join the umma. Those who wish to remain unbelievers are free to do so, but they must show proper respect toward the one true religion. Mr. Trump's proposal to ban Muslims from coming to America is disrespectful. Allah has given the world to Muslims. It is not for any unbeliever to say where Muslims may or may not go."
Khan predicted that "any attempt to impede Muslim travel to America will invite attack. The Quran only binds Muslims to peaceful relations with unbelievers who accept their submission to Islamic law and pay the jizya. By announcing a policy of resistance Mr. Trump puts all Americans at risk."
The Mayor advised citizens of the United States "to elect a person who understands the only peaceful way for Muslims and non-Muslims to interact. Secretary Clinton, in my opinion, is such a person. Voters should cast their ballots for her as if their lives depended upon it."
Trump campaign spokesperson Katrina Pierson welcomed the Mayor's comments saying "they help clarify the stakes of this election. The fact that a so-called 'moderate' Muslim is so quick to raise the threat of violence supports Donald's advice of caution about who we allow into this country. At a very fundamental level, keeping out people who may believe they have a religious right or obligation to kill you seems like common sense."

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2013-07-15
Link to submission (Has self-text)

Questions	Answers
What made you decide to now work for the legalization of the drugs that you once worked to make harsh laws against?	First, I believed in marijuana decriminalization before I started working for Congress. (In law school in 1976 I testified for marijuana decriminalization before the Pennsylvania House of Representatives. President Jimmy Carter supported marijuana decriminalization in 1977. This was not a strange position to hold.)
	I started working as a lawyer for Congress in 1979 when there was still a bill to decriminalize marijuana pending in Congress. Members of Congress and the Judiciary Committee were my clients. My job was to serve them. Reagan came in in 1981, and the war on drug rhetoric heated up dramatically. I wasn't comfortable with that, but I had to serve my clients. (When I was a criminal defense lawyer defending accused burglars did not make me an advocate for burglary!)
	By 1984 I was working on a bill to make robbery of pharmacies a federal crime. I realized that persons addicted to opiates or who wanted to sell opiates would rob pharmacies because the inventory included high quality drugs packaged so that users knew what they were getting and how strong. This was more dependable and thus more valuable than heroin sold in packets on the street. If drugs were legally available to people with addiction, pharmacies would not be robbery targets very often. So I saw a different logic in how legislation should be developed.
	I also saw the politics around drug enforcement and feeding drug hysteria and found it disgusting.
	This was during the time that AIDS was first being identified with injection drug use. At a hearing I heard a Member of Congress say that the AIDS problem will go away by itself because all the heroin addicts would die from AIDS, implying that this would be a good thing. I was revolted by this attitude.
	I came to feel that I had enough knowledge and sufficient skills to work full time trying to legalize drugs and end the drug war. I found funding in 1988 and started the Criminal Justice Policy Foundation in January 1989.
At a hearing I heard a Member of Congress say that the AIDS problem will go away by itself because all the heroin addicts would die from AIDS, implying that this would be a good thing. Tell me this member isn't in office anymore. Please.	I regret that I have forgotten who this Member was. I really wish I could remember. I am sure that he is no longer serving in Congress -- that was a long time ago, and there are literally only two handfuls of such Members still serving.
I wasn't comfortable with that, but I had to serve my clients. (When I was a criminal defense lawyer defending accused burglars did not make me an advocate for burglary!)	I certainly have mixed feelings. And I directly defend my conduct below. But I want to challenge the premise that there is a big difference for an attorney representing a client in a criminal case or assisting a congressional committee in writing a law he does not agree with or believe in. I believe that the overwhelming majority of my criminal clients were actually guilty of a crime and often the crimes they were charged with. Nevertheless I represented them proudly and zealously. There are many people who question the morality of that, although you do not. Lawyers don't only work for money. I think I could have had better paying legal jobs. Repeatedly I was able to try to influence the legislation in ways that I thought were better for civil liberties and public policy. I regularly brought to the attention of Members of Congress a perspective that I thought was important that they would not hear from a traditional source. For example, I was able to get Harvard professor Lester Grinspoon to testify before the Crime Subcommittee about designer drugs. He was later the plaintiff in the First Circuit case that struck down the emergency scheduling of MDMA. Would you really prefer that only anti-drug zealots work for Congress writing drug laws??? Also, I did not only work on drug policy. I worked on gun control and wrote the version of the Brady Bill that passed the Judiciary Committee in 1988 that included privacy protections that I thought were important that I was able to get added. I worked on money laundering, organized crime, and pornography, and many other small bills. I had and then and still have enormous admiration for the Chairman of the House Crime Subcommittee for whom I worked. He was very hardworking, completely honest, extremely intelligent, and a complete gentleman. He did not engage in political or media pandering. I was glad I worked for him for 8 years, even though we did not control the legislative or political process. Given the political times and the political process, I am overall proud of what I accomplished. Certainly, it was an extremely exciting job. But it was emotionally hard. I have great regret that I was not a better, more informed lawyer and that I could not have more effectively ameliorated the worst of the mandatory minimums. I am terribly upset that so many people have served and are serving prison sentences that are unjustly long and that I played a role in that. I never forget that. But I also know who some of the other people are who could have had the job I had. I am confident that they would not have tried to improve the law the way that I did.
There is a big difference between those two things. In one case, you are defending someone accused of a crime. In the other, you are helping to create the circumstances by which someone can be made into a criminal for causes that you did not believe in.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate your current efforts. But I wanted to point out that I see working for your clients as weak defense for working to create laws with which you did not believe in.
I am just curious if you are at ease with those actions or if you harbor some regrets.
Why do so few politicians support drug reform and how do you think this can be changed?	I am certain that many more politicians support drug policy reform than do so publicly. I have had several politicians tell me this privately.
	Almost every politician wants to be re-elected. They know that campaigning is hard and tricky. They pick themes that they identify with: "pro-environment," "anti-tax," "pro-Israel," "anti-abortion," "pro-schools," etc. They don't want their campaigns to be distracted or diverted away from issues the issues they are choosing to run on. They don't want to face questions at a campaign stop about campaign irrelevancies. But when lots of ordinary citizens start asking the question, it is no longer an irrelevancy.
	Encourage everyone you know in your district to write to your local, state and U.S. reps and Senators about the drug policy you want.
	At this point, there is little political risk to simply ignoring drug issues, but being pro-reform is highly newsworthy. It might not be a problem, and has not been any kind of a problem of Members or former Members like Ron Paul, Barney Frank, Steve Cohen, Jared Polis, Dana Rohrabacher.
	The way to get more support is to make it safe in your district. Write letters to the editor of local papers supporting drug policy reform issues. Write after there are news stories. Use talk radio. Encourage discussions on drug policy. Provide financial support to Students for Sensible Drug Policy (do to their webpage and click Donate) and encourage the support of chapters on campuses in your district.
	Every time U.S. Rep Steve Cohen (D-Tennessee) gives the Attorney General or some other witness a speech about legalizing marijuana, I make a small contribution to his campaign and write a note that tells him why.
What is complicated is the fact that a lot of people use these drugs. A lot of the people who would be in favor of reform use them, in fact. And if you are caught with them, the penalties are stiff. Who would actually join a group to support the decriminalization of a currently illicit substance when they have a life to think about? And with all the recent stories about the NSA and the implication that could very possibly have on the private lives of these people, do you really think they are likely to speak out?	What is complicated is whether you think you live in a freedom-loving society or not. Do you think you have political liberty? Do you think you have any political responsibility as a citizen to shape the laws of the society in which you live.
	I have known hundreds of people over the years who wanted to change the drug laws who never tried drugs and had no desire to do so, but who understood how harmful these laws are, how expensive and wasteful these laws are, how fundamentally stupid these laws are. And they acted on those convictions because they wanted a better society, they wanted to use the resources of the society more wisely.
	My strongest supporters have never used drugs. But they are convinced that drug prohibition leads to corruption of the police. They are extremely afraid of police corruption -- as anyone other than a gangster ought to be. Because they want to protect the integrity of our police and our criminal justice system they favor legalizing drugs to end prohibition and prevent corruption.
	Sadly, many people are not afraid of the NSA, they are afraid to put their name at the bottom of a letter the editor of the local newspaper. They are even afraid to write to the elected representatives to support or oppose legislation. This is a lack of faith in the Bill of Rights at its simplest level.
	Are you afraid to go to church, temple, mosque, ashram, coven, etc.? If you are not afraid to go to worship, then why do you think the other parts of the First Amendment of the Constitution don't protect you?
I am an honest, hard working, tax paying American who commits no crimes other than smoking marijuana occasionally. Will there come a time in my life where I can claim that I break no laws?	Dear Bootnish, I have no doubt you will, as far as marijuana goes. If you live in Colorado and Washington, you will be very close to that. If the U.S. Department of Justice cooperates with Colorado and Washington next year when legal marijuana production and sales are rolled out, you will be pretty close to that.
Edit: I am 30. I plan on living 60 more years. Thanks.	Sadly, it is likely that there are other laws that you break, perhaps unknowingly. But I admire your desire to be as law abiding as possible. That is really commendable.
Can you explain the reasoning behind the refusal to reclassify marijuana as a Schedule II or even III narcotic? congress has received many studies indicating that it clearly is not in the same class as opiates or hallucinogenics, but there has been almost absolute silence on the issue.	There is both "reasoning" and "politics." By the way, there has not been silence on this: it has been the subject of debate and roll call votes in the House of Representatives in the context of limiting DEA's spending authority in states where marijuana is recognized for medical purposes. Re: Reasoning: Think about a schedule II or III drug. What does it look like? It is a pill, a liquid that can be injected in a syringe, perhaps a specialized oral preparation like a lollipop for use in hospital or a dermal patch. All of those forms look like what we in the U.S. think of as "medicine." They are manufactured products in which one tablet X is identical to all other tablets X. The reality of marijuana is that one batch is often dissimilar from another batch. When grower A brings in something that is said to be the harvest from a clone of variety M, what grower B brings in said to be from the same clone, often will have a different cannabinoid profile. So far there is an absence of reproducibility. Second, there is an absence of certainty about the product that can give a physician any reliable guidance on dosing. This inability of a physician to say "Use this much of that kind of medical marijuana so many times per day in the following form or preparation" and to have any confidence that such advice has any likelihood of being followed by the patient is in a very real sense a powerful "reason" why marijuana is not yet legally medicine under federal law. In the Congress, two-thirds of the House Democratic Caucus voted to recognize marijuana as medicine, at least in the states where the state law so provides, the last time this was voted on. But the Republican Conference is still allied with cultural conservatives on this. This might not make any sense in terms of polling data or "principles" regarding small government, etc., but that is the case.
What would you say was the worst decision made in implementing these laws? I hav always suspected that it was mandatory minimum sentencing.	Mandatory minimum sentencing -- triggered by very small quantities for federal crimes -- was the worst policy choice in the outcome for federal prison population expansion, and injustice for those they were applied. There are only about 25,000 federal drug cases a year. There are about 1.5 million state and local drug cases a year. But probably about 80 percent of the federal cases are effected by the mandatory minimum sentencing provision which lead to wholly unjust long sentences for relatively low level offenders. Everyone knows that these sentences are for unjustifiably small quantities of drugs. Even 5000 grams of cocaine, which triggers the 10 year mandatory minimum is tiny when you think of the kingpins who arrange for millions and millions of grams to shipped to the U.S.
How great a factor have the drug wars been on the incredibly increasing disparities between races?	You may be surprised that one of the greatest factors in the racial disparity of drug enforcement is the complete mismanagement and indifference of the Attorneys General and the top leadership of the Justice Department. Whether it was Janet Reno or Eric Holder, they know that three out of four federal drug defendants is black or Hispanic and that the quantity of drugs in 85 percent of the cases is relatively trivial.
I am president of SSDP at my school. Are you available to come speak at college campuses? The fall semester is approaching and would love if you could speak at our campus, how can we make that happen? Also can we present your film at our campus?	I love speaking to SSDP chapters!! Simply contact the Criminal Justice Policy Foundation to suggest some dates info@cjpf.org or 301-589-6020.
	To show the movie, How to Make Money Selling Drugs, contact Tribeca Films, the distributor. info@tribecafilm.com
What would you say is the biggest misconception you held about drug laws? And what is the biggest misconception that current policymakers currently hold?	In the mid and late 1970s, the biggest misconception I had was that marijuana decriminalization and legalization was going to be decided on the basis of the facts and simple rationality, or on principles in the Constitution such as a 5th amendment right to liberty or the foundational principle of the Declaration of Independence regarding "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
	I did not anticipate the role of political exploitation of fear or the enormous bureaucratic drive of the law enforcement agencies to keep drugs a problem that they are the ones to address.
	Just recently in a Washington Post news story about a local District of Columbia bill to decriminalize marijuana, the Chief of Police is quoted talking about the HEALTH effects on children. When did the Chief of Police become the expert on health effects? If this were a significant problem, why aren't local pediatricians the primary opponents to decriminalization? Because pediatricians see a whole lot of other disease and public health problems needing public resources (not police overtime pay, or the costs of courts, prosecutors and the jail system!) to address teen pregnancy, low birth weight babies, malnutrition, fetal alcohol effect, VIOLENCE, etc.
	I think the biggest misconception that policymakers have about the drug laws is that they are effective in some way in saving lives, and reducing use, preventing crime. And if the laws don't accomplish those goals, then THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND JUST HOW COSTLY THESE LAWS ARE, BEYOND THEIR FAILURE TO WORK.
	I think most white policy makers completely fail to understand how CATASTROPHIC THE DRUG LAWS ARE TO PEOPLE OF COLOR. I encourage you to read the book, "The New Jim Crow," by Michelle Alexander. It is an outstanding book. Even when you think you understand the issues, you will learn many things that you did not know or fully understand.
Who do you think is the biggest Opponent/road block to legalization?	Good question!! (1) The belief among many drug policy reformers that legalization is a weirdo position, not a common sense and respectable position that can be safely and openly advocated without risking arrest.
	(2) The vested interest of the law enforcement bureaucracy in the status quo. So many people use drugs it is relatively easy for the police to make a possession arrest. You would be amazed how many people don't know their rights and simply give them up by consenting to a search of their car, their bag, their pockets. Once a cop has made a drug arrest, there is usually many hours of overtime pay ahead in processing the arrest and showing up in court for the various proceedings.
	(3) When marijuana is legalized, the cops will lose their "Swiss army knife" for getting into a suspect's car. If a cop has a hunch that someone they've stopped has stolen property, burglar's tools, illegal weapons, evidence of a crime, or drugs, they might not have probable cause to make an arrest and they may not have the basis for a search to seize something that is "in plain view." They may make an illegal search. The law requires the evidence seized illegally not be admitted into evidence. But if the cop says, "I smelled burning marijuana, and therefore had probable cause to search for ILLEGAL marijuana," the search is legal, even if no marijuana is found, and the other evidence is found. How credible is the suspect who says, "No, I wasn't smoking marijuana! The cop is lying, he's made it up!" The suspect may be telling the truth, but in the balance between he said/she said, the cop will usually win. When marijuana is legal, this tool to justify illegal searches will be lost to the police.
	(4) There is a lot of fear among parents that their kid -- as well as they have raised him or her -- is at greater risk to become a drug user and a drug addict if drugs were legalized.
	Drug policy reformers need to work harder to develop truthful and effective education about drugs to discourage young teenagers from using drugs. When drug are legalized, we will need to develop new cultural patterns to minimize harm. We will need to continue to enforce new drug laws to discourage legal sellers from selling to minors, from advertising to minors, and to develop opportunities for young adults to learn drug use and experiment with drug use in safe contexts and environments.
	(5) To some extent, certainly the alcohol industry. In California in 2010, that industry helped finance the attack on Proposition 19.
	It is not clear from the studies whether marijuana use is purely a substitute for alcohol use or if they are complementary. Some analysts of marijuana policy fear that if marijuana is legalized, it will lead to a net increase in the amount of alcohol consumed. Some fear that because the social, health, criminal and economic costs of alcohol are so great, that if legal marijuana produces a small increase in alcohol use, those additional costs could outweigh all the considerable benefits of legalizing marijuana.
	It may be that the opposition of the alcohol industry to legalizing marijuana is shortsighted. It is not likely it was purely in the public interest.
	(6) The prison industry, at least at this point the prison labor unions. In California in 2010, the prison employees union spent money against Proposition 19.
	I suspect that the private prison industry also opposes marijuana legalization. That industry depends on a steady supply of prisoners to stay profitable. The number of persons in prison on the charge of marijuana possession is pretty small. Out of 2.3 million or so in prison, the number there for marijuana possession has been estimated to be about 40,000 persons. That is not a trivial number. That total is more than the prison populations of many states, but it is a small fraction of the total.
	A harder number to measure is the fraction who have been sent to prison for violating parole or probation because they used marijuana in violation of the terms of release. There is a wide variety of practices in violating probationers and parolees. Officers know that prisons are overcrowded. But a very large number of persons are sent to prison on parole and probation violations -- in some states, as many as a third of new prison admittances. How many of them are violations in which the sole violation is a failed drug test only for marijuana is very hard to estimate. How significant this number might be for the private prison industry is impossible to estimate at this time.
Are you focusing on just marijuana? what about other drugs? also, do you smoke marijuana yourself? if so, what activities do you like to do when stoned?	I am not in this issue because of what I like or do not like!!
	I think that from the perspective of saving lives, the most important drug to legalize and control would be heroin. We need to work closely with Mexico and Central American governments to break up and defund the drug trafficking organizations that are killing so many (over 100,000 in the last 6 years), and to reduce the huge number of overdoses.
	I want to see a new profession of "addiction management" to help people who are addicted but not ready to quit to more effectively manage their lives legally.
	I am working on writing heroin legalization legislation.
I must say I admire your ambition, how much support do you have, among politicians and the public?	A while back a local legislator asked me what drug would I legalize first. I said that marijuana was not important if the issue is dealing with death and disease and the role of street crime and addiction. The most important drug to legalize would be heroin, and he strongly agreed, and asked me to draft legislation for him.
	In 1984, there was a bill on the floor of the House of Representatives to legalize heroin for medical purposes (as in Britain and Canada). That's amazing for that era!
	I think the public is quite open to these ideas once they are being discussed seriously and not mockingly.
	I have a test of public support. When I am on an airline flight by myself I often strike up a conversation with a person next to me. What do you do, I ask? And usually I find that there is something about their business or interests that is related to drug policy in some way. In the course of the conversation I explain about the need to legalize drugs and my work to make that happen. Almost universally when we are about to deplane, the person says something like, "God bless you! I wish you well in your work."
	I don't pick the person who sits next to me. This tells me that across a wide variety of the air plane flying public there is support for drug policy reform.
What made you want to create such strict laws in the first place? Was it a lack of information, external or internal pressures, personal experience, etc?	The title of the AMA is something of a tease. I was not a Member of Congress. These laws were not my idea. I was an attorney for the House Judiciary Committee. The idea for the strict laws in 1986 was a primitive one. Many Members of Congress thought that "punishment works," without thinking much more about it. They think that if a crime has a long sentence, people won't commit the crime, as though most criminals engage in complex cost benefit analyses of their behavior.
	Members of Congress are typically highly ambitious and engage in unusual long range planning. Run of student government president, then run for university senate and president of the fraternity. Run for city council and then state legislature, then Congress, and then Mayor or Senator. They have a Plan!
	Criminal are highly impulsive. They rarely engage in complex planning -- primarily in crime novels, not in real life. They primarily look around and figure, Will I get caught? Often they are drunk, or maybe high on drugs. Long sentences are not a deterrent, and so the thinking of Members of Congress was utterly wrong in thinking about "what works."
	Of course long sentences SOUND tough, and Members wanted to SOUND tough.
	I tried to minimize the reach of these long sentences, but I was staff and I did not have a vote.
I guess my biggest question is why did you make marijuana a schedule 1 drug in the first place? You must have known the racist history behind it. Was there any outside pushes? Why did you feel compelled to originally make it illegal?	Friend, I did not make marijuana a schedule I drug. Congress did that in 1970 when I was 20 year old and just a college drop out protesting the war in Vietnam. Earlier Congress made marijuana illegal in 1937 using the tax laws, before there was scheduling.
	Congress was pushed into it by the head of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, a unit of the Treasury Department (which had 4 years earlier lost the need for so many prohibition agents when alcohol became legal again after the 21st Amendment was ratified).
	The pushes to make drugs like cocaine and marijuana (and crack) illegal all had strong elements of racial stereotyping and antipathy. For crack, though, many Members of Congress thought that punishing crack dealers harshly would protect Black communities from the "plague" of crack cocaine.
Why do you think so few Representatives and Senators at the federal level support decriminalization bills, while an increasing number of states are passing laws to allow Marijuana usage for various purposes? What do you feel is the best way to convince these Representatives to support their respective states wishes on the federal level?	Excellent Question.
	Most Members represent "gerrymandered" districts. If they are not challenged in their primary, they are highly likely to be re-elected. They like to associate with other Federal officials. If they are with the President's party, that's easier to have the Attorney General come to their district or to get picture with the Secretary of Homeland Security, etc. But if you are a political opponent of the President, then associating with non-partisan officials such as the heads of the FBI, DEA, ICE can also be positive.
	Considering the U.S. SENATE: In the Senate there is no strong political payoff to support decriminalization right now. Because we have not built strong enough pressures at the state level, there are no decriminalization bills in the Senate that I am aware of. This is pretty amazing, isn't it? You have 18 states with medical marijuana laws. Each of those states' laws has trouble operating. Each of those states has 2 U.S. Senators whose job is to help the states operate in the federal system. How can it be that not one senator has introduced a bill to protect the state medical marijuana programs? Because our movement has not focused enough pressure on the Senators.
	Considering the U.S. House Because the House is controlled by the Republicans, the committees are controlled by the Republicans. And the Republicans who control the House Judiciary Committee are among the most conservative Members. Most of them have a visceral, social conservative view of drugs. Drugs are associated with "liberals." They don't think of members of their base as drug users who are hurt by the consequences of the drug laws. They think of themselves as "pro-family," and thus they are knee-jerk anti-drug. Even if the consequences of harsh drug laws man that the social services agencies take the minor children away from pot smokers, or put drug users in prison, their view of the world is that a drug user cannot be a good parent. These are badly informed stereotypes.
	So no drug policy reform bill is going to get a hearing or move. Since there is no likely action in the House, there is little payoff for a Member to co-sponsor a reform bill. Since there is little likelihood that a bill will move in the House, the advocacy groups realistically say, "Let's not put a lot of energy to get co-sponsors for a House bill that's not going anywhere." Unfortunately that can be self-defeating, can't it?
I love how all the reasons for illegalization at this level are political and monetary. Humanism, compassion, and fairness dont even factor into it.	Yes. But I am perhaps too cynical. Certainly there are some Members of Congress who think that prohibition deters kids from using drugs, and in the spirit of the argument, "If this measure, saves JUST one life, it is worth it!!!" they support prohibition notwithstanding its very high price in lives and tragedy.
Have you seen the documentary "The House I Live In"? Thoughts?	I think the The House I Live In is the best documentary that has been made about the war on drugs. Eugene Jarecki is a brilliant filmmaker. I don't think this takes anything away from Matthew Cooke who wrote and directed a fabulous move, "How to Make Money Selling Drugs."
Was there a moment where you realized our drug laws are failed? Or did it take time?	I had a sense in the early 1970s that the marijuana law was wrong, illogical and unjustified. In the fall of 1982 I read the outstanding book, "Ceremonial Chemistry: The ritual persecution of drugs, addicts, and pushers," by Thomas Szasz (Anchor Books/Doubleday 1974). I thought my thinking about drugs advanced by about a light year!
	It was in 1982-1983 when I realized that the drug laws were failing and would always fail to prevent the traffic. I was involved in helping to write the law to allow U.S. military units to enforce the drug laws on the high seas, and thinking about the ineffectiveness of drug interdiction. It was about that time I started calling our drug laws alchemy -- the magical property of turning a cheap, common material into Gold! A kilo of cocaine while in Colombia is worth $1000 but becomes worth $5000 or $10,000 in a matter of hours when you get it across the U.S. border. Doesn't that sound like magic? When I realized that the Coast Guard and the old U.S. Customs Service were estimated to be seizing about 10 percent of what is smuggled, I realized that the economic guaranteed that drug prohibition would never succeed and that our policies were doomed to perpetually fail.
	There were two goals of DEA and drug enforcement: arrest drug traffickers and smugglers, and therefore drive up the price of drugs by increasing the risk of smuggling and dealing. It is a fundamental law of economics that the more profit that an activity generates, the more people will pursue that activity. This means that the more successful DEA is in arresting people, the more the price goes up, which means that more people will try dealing drugs. Drug enforcement is one the best examples of a government program that tries to defy the laws of economics and certainly defies logic. This was all pretty clear to me by 1984, and I started talking to lots of people about legalizing drugs, including Members of Congress and staff.
Are there others like you?	There are hundreds of thousands of people who believe what I believe down to the details of legalizing drugs like heroin and cocaine.
	There are tens of millions who agree with me on legalizing marijuana. Simply recall the more people voted for legal marijuana in Colorado than voted for Obama. In Washington State, legal marijuana got more votes than every candidate for statewide office that was contested (Governor, Attorney General, etc.) other than the U.S. Senate race.
	There are 1000s of people like me in the U.S. who work very hard every day to end the tragedy of drug prohibition.
What sort of time frame do you envision for Marijuana's (general) legalization and taxation for adults?	This is a great question for speculation. Key to answering your question is estimating when Congress would vote to legalize marijuana.
	When would you estimate that a majority of Republicans in the House and Senate would support marijuana legalization?
	I think we could be a decade away. What issues would be most persuasive? I believe the economic cost to the society, i.e. the argument that businesses are being hurt because so many people get a criminal record that interferes in their earning. The most frequently cited estimate is that someone with a criminal conviction earns 40 percent less than they would without the conviction. I think we need to mobilize the business community and investors. See my comment on Forbes.com: Link to www.forbes.com

Last updated: 2013-07-19 16:32 UTC
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