Mom gives son a blow job
Should I divorce my wife?
2010.07.13 04:28 Should I divorce my wife?
2014.05.08 02:41 BrunoMurderTime Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The spiritual successor to 30 Rock! Tina Fey's unique sense of humor was missing from our lives for over two years, but now we can tune into Netflix and watch 4 brilliant seasons (and 1 brilliant movie!) of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!
2019.03.23 06:19 GlibIsMe The Hidden Dungeon Only I Can Enter - Ore dake Haireru Kakushi Dungeon Kossori Kitaete Sekai Saikyou
Noir is the son of a minor noble with very little to his name other than a job offer–which is canceled before he can even start his first day. He does possess one rare trait, though: the magical ability to consult with a great sage, even if using the skill gives him terrible headaches! Unsure of what his future holds, he accesses the sage for advice on how to move forward and is directed to a secret dungeon filled with rare beasts and magical items.
2024.05.21 15:06 sockmunkie22 [UPDATE 2] AITJ for cutting my SIL out of my life, even if it upsets the family norms?
Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/AmITheJerk/comments/1csum48/aitj_for_cutting_my_sil_out_of_my_life_even_if_it/
Update 1: https://www.reddit.com/AmITheJerk/comments/1cu5yfv/update_1_aitj_for_cutting_my_sil_out_of_my_life/
So as ya'll know, Myself, Fern and Tom had planned some Mother's Day gifts for MIL. I gotta admit, I was worried that Margaret would show up and ruin the whole thing, but it was actually a surprisingly good day- mostly because she wasn't there, which was the OBVIOUS elephant in the room the whole time. Tom worked the grill for a while and we had MIL open the gifts I had planned - it was a small pirate chest filled with letters from Myself, Fern, and Tom telling her how wonderful of a mother she was (I had aged them and weathered them to look waterlogged and like they'd been around for a long time). I made her a boondoggle that said "number one mom" that had our names dangling from it. She opened the collage...the whole thing left her in happy tears, which was nice but also sad at the same time. She said "OP, you're such a shit for making me cry" then gave me a big hug. MIL started to talk about it all ("It's been really rough and I've been having a really hard time"), but it was cut off by the men fussing over the grill. I made the rest of lunch and we had a really, really good time for the most part.
I clocked FIL's behavior in Margaret's absence. He wandered off into the yard and stood by himself for extended periods of time, staring at the ground in silence. I registered it as pain- I'm not gonna lie, it was PALPABLE how much easier and fun and quiet the afternoon was with Margaret being intentionally excluded. I could tell that MIL really needed to talk about what was going on, especially since she was being absolutely flooded with love (in stark contrast to what she's been receiving from Margaret). I approached her towards the end of the evening- she revealed to me what she had put in the letter. Essentially, it reads something like this.
"dear Margaret- I am sorry that we are having such a hard time seeing eye to eye. I have had my conflicts with Fern and Tom in the past that we have been able to resolve; Since you do not wish to speak to me directly, I am hoping that we can communicate this way to see each other more clearly. I think youre upset with me because I married your dad- but I am not sure because you will not tell me what is wrong. I want to make peace with you, but I cannot do that with you so blatantly disrespecting me. I feel like I deserve an apology- I feel used by you, especially since I signed your lease for you when you asked right before this happened. Please write me back so we can resolve this, I love you."
Apparently, MIL had FIL read it before she sent it- this looks like a last ditch effort to rectify the tension, but I'm not sure what the outcome will be because we ALL know that Margaret is going to freak the fuck out the second she reads it. Margaret can't handle any blame and has no sense of accountability. We can all see it coming- so definitely expect an update on that.
On the ride home I absolutely fell apart. It made me so sad that she has had to go to these lengths to remedy a situation that she didn't cause in the first place. I was also very, very angry at FIL and basically the whole family for letting this go on for as long as it has.. I ended up confronting Tom about this again. I told him that there are 600 strangers on reddit calling him and his whole family spineless, and that I have found myself defending them because I know otherwise, but that in this situation those 600 strangers are absolutely right. I said that I know his dad is human, but that they are all a bunch of cowards for the "fend for yourself, just let it go" attitude they have when it comes to each of them being so wildly abused and disrespected AS A FAMILY. Fern deserves better than to have a sister that has told ME that "the reason Fern got SA'd as a kid is because h"e put himself out there like that" (excuse me?). Cory deserves better than a wife who threatens to call the cops on him for not making her dinner (huh?) . Tom deserves a better sister than one who has called me to tell me "He's a creep and I bet he's done things to little girls before" (no idea where that one came from). MIL deserves better than someone who asks her for money and favors only to turn around and rip her to shreds (the entitlement?). And FIL deserves better than to have such little self esteem that he'd rather watch his family disintegrate rather than cut out the cancer.
Yeah, I was heated. Margaret makes shit up, takes things out of context, and regularly demonstrates that she genuinely feels the world is out to get her and that everyone else is the problem. I did not let up.
Tom listened very patiently- we exchanged a lot of words and the conversation took over an hour, the end result being "My dad is nearing approachable about this subject. Today showed him the kind of life we can have without her; you definitely launched a psychological bomb at him with how well you planned the day and how much you showed MIL that she's worth something. He's struggling, but I promise that I'll talk to him about it soon. We talk 3 times a week, he knows its coming."
The last statement I made was "I am not an 'on the fence' person. I'm the only one who has outright picked a side- and it's not Margaret's because I refuse to enable this insanity anymore. It's wrong, and you guys are wrong for coddling a grown woman's hurt ego knowing that its harming literally EVERYONE else in the family. Pick a side, and be done with it. I refuse to let MIL go this alone."
We will see how much longer the circus goes on. I anticipate the events that happened this weekend leading to the biggest blow up that Margaret has had yet- the shady online posts have already started (per Tom, who has found it amusing and low of her). It's about to get a lot crazier when this letter hits, and even worse when she eventually visits FIL and sees a giant collage with all the kids except for her.
There's SO many of you that have said that you are emotionally invested in my story- I'll continue to update so we all get the closure we need. Thanks for all the support (and trash talking, I've gotten quite a few LOLs out of the comments).
Stay tuned I guess!
submitted by sockmunkie22 to AmITheJerk [link] [comments]
Update 1: https://www.reddit.com/AmITheJerk/comments/1cu5yfv/update_1_aitj_for_cutting_my_sil_out_of_my_life/
So as ya'll know, Myself, Fern and Tom had planned some Mother's Day gifts for MIL. I gotta admit, I was worried that Margaret would show up and ruin the whole thing, but it was actually a surprisingly good day- mostly because she wasn't there, which was the OBVIOUS elephant in the room the whole time. Tom worked the grill for a while and we had MIL open the gifts I had planned - it was a small pirate chest filled with letters from Myself, Fern, and Tom telling her how wonderful of a mother she was (I had aged them and weathered them to look waterlogged and like they'd been around for a long time). I made her a boondoggle that said "number one mom" that had our names dangling from it. She opened the collage...the whole thing left her in happy tears, which was nice but also sad at the same time. She said "OP, you're such a shit for making me cry" then gave me a big hug. MIL started to talk about it all ("It's been really rough and I've been having a really hard time"), but it was cut off by the men fussing over the grill. I made the rest of lunch and we had a really, really good time for the most part.
I clocked FIL's behavior in Margaret's absence. He wandered off into the yard and stood by himself for extended periods of time, staring at the ground in silence. I registered it as pain- I'm not gonna lie, it was PALPABLE how much easier and fun and quiet the afternoon was with Margaret being intentionally excluded. I could tell that MIL really needed to talk about what was going on, especially since she was being absolutely flooded with love (in stark contrast to what she's been receiving from Margaret). I approached her towards the end of the evening- she revealed to me what she had put in the letter. Essentially, it reads something like this.
"dear Margaret- I am sorry that we are having such a hard time seeing eye to eye. I have had my conflicts with Fern and Tom in the past that we have been able to resolve; Since you do not wish to speak to me directly, I am hoping that we can communicate this way to see each other more clearly. I think youre upset with me because I married your dad- but I am not sure because you will not tell me what is wrong. I want to make peace with you, but I cannot do that with you so blatantly disrespecting me. I feel like I deserve an apology- I feel used by you, especially since I signed your lease for you when you asked right before this happened. Please write me back so we can resolve this, I love you."
Apparently, MIL had FIL read it before she sent it- this looks like a last ditch effort to rectify the tension, but I'm not sure what the outcome will be because we ALL know that Margaret is going to freak the fuck out the second she reads it. Margaret can't handle any blame and has no sense of accountability. We can all see it coming- so definitely expect an update on that.
On the ride home I absolutely fell apart. It made me so sad that she has had to go to these lengths to remedy a situation that she didn't cause in the first place. I was also very, very angry at FIL and basically the whole family for letting this go on for as long as it has.. I ended up confronting Tom about this again. I told him that there are 600 strangers on reddit calling him and his whole family spineless, and that I have found myself defending them because I know otherwise, but that in this situation those 600 strangers are absolutely right. I said that I know his dad is human, but that they are all a bunch of cowards for the "fend for yourself, just let it go" attitude they have when it comes to each of them being so wildly abused and disrespected AS A FAMILY. Fern deserves better than to have a sister that has told ME that "the reason Fern got SA'd as a kid is because h"e put himself out there like that" (excuse me?). Cory deserves better than a wife who threatens to call the cops on him for not making her dinner (huh?) . Tom deserves a better sister than one who has called me to tell me "He's a creep and I bet he's done things to little girls before" (no idea where that one came from). MIL deserves better than someone who asks her for money and favors only to turn around and rip her to shreds (the entitlement?). And FIL deserves better than to have such little self esteem that he'd rather watch his family disintegrate rather than cut out the cancer.
Yeah, I was heated. Margaret makes shit up, takes things out of context, and regularly demonstrates that she genuinely feels the world is out to get her and that everyone else is the problem. I did not let up.
Tom listened very patiently- we exchanged a lot of words and the conversation took over an hour, the end result being "My dad is nearing approachable about this subject. Today showed him the kind of life we can have without her; you definitely launched a psychological bomb at him with how well you planned the day and how much you showed MIL that she's worth something. He's struggling, but I promise that I'll talk to him about it soon. We talk 3 times a week, he knows its coming."
The last statement I made was "I am not an 'on the fence' person. I'm the only one who has outright picked a side- and it's not Margaret's because I refuse to enable this insanity anymore. It's wrong, and you guys are wrong for coddling a grown woman's hurt ego knowing that its harming literally EVERYONE else in the family. Pick a side, and be done with it. I refuse to let MIL go this alone."
We will see how much longer the circus goes on. I anticipate the events that happened this weekend leading to the biggest blow up that Margaret has had yet- the shady online posts have already started (per Tom, who has found it amusing and low of her). It's about to get a lot crazier when this letter hits, and even worse when she eventually visits FIL and sees a giant collage with all the kids except for her.
There's SO many of you that have said that you are emotionally invested in my story- I'll continue to update so we all get the closure we need. Thanks for all the support (and trash talking, I've gotten quite a few LOLs out of the comments).
Stay tuned I guess!
2024.05.21 15:04 AjaySinghSingh Casting Call: A PLAY ON SOME PHOBIAS ( Show ) CALLY Seeking Female Actress Any Ethnicity Due: May 25, 2024 Location: Philadelphia Rate: $800 ( USD ) / Flat Rate
 | Role Description: Smokes a lot. She drinks, a lot. She’s angry & depressed, won’t admit it to herself & she talks fast & over everyone. She thinks she’s better, smarter than everyone else. At brunch one Sunday, Cally meets Billy, an older man. She gets him re-hooked on cigarettes & drinks & flirts with him. She takes him home for sex but changes her mind because Billy’s too old. Cally is also a single mom to Tam, a trans male teenager. Cally has no idea how to talk or deal with Tam. She avoids Tam & has since he came out as trans male. Cally also tries - & fails - to help Gis, her Mom, an addict; drink, drugs & whatever she can get. As night falls, Gis appears unexpectedly in Cally’s backyard. Gis is messed up after a long life of substance abuse. Cally doesn’t recognize Gis & attacks her. Over the next few hours, Cally’s life becomes a swirling chaos. Cally bulls her way through, not seeming to give a damn. Then, splat. Nasty, bloody, splat. If selected a remote audition is required for further consideration. Your size card (Appearance tab) must be completely filled out. Your profile must have current images. submitted by AjaySinghSingh to 800casting [link] [comments] Click here to apply https://preview.redd.it/f2goqba33s1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=2ce461279adebd84d2da3f33fb1049297aee5d38 |
2024.05.21 15:03 Few-Payment2708 AITA for not changing my son's schedule now that I have a stepdaughter?
My husband of 4 years learned only a few months ago that he had a daughter he never knew about. The mother of his daughter was an ex he was with 8 years ago for a few months. She moved out of state and he never saw her again. She never mentioned being pregnant. But she was and her family had been taking care of my stepdaughter for almost 2 years because because my husband's ex had started doing drugs and drinking heavily so she was not fit to parent. They attempted to help her but when they realized it was a lost cause they decided to notify my husband.
A DNA test was carried out which confirmed he is the father of his daughter. She's 7.
It came as a surprise but wasn't something we struggled to accept. It was mostly strange because we were all strangers and my stepdaughter didn't know my husband or he didn't know her. So some time was taken to make sure they knew each other before she moved in with us. I'm also pregnant so a lot of changes have been going on.
I have done my best to keep things as normal as possible for my 15 year old son. So nothing much has changed for him but this bothers my husband's parents. My son always spent a lot of time with friends and my ILs feel this is wrong now that he has a sister to get to know and a brother or sister on the way. They feel like I should be changing his schedule so he's home more and carve out plenty of time for them to bond because they hardly ever interact.
My husband said doing that could make him resent her when some things have already changed. He also pointed out that they won't have much in common given the age gap and the fact they're opposite sexes. My ILs said it's on me as my son's mom and only parent to make sure he gives my stepdaughter a real chance and gives her a chance to be a sister instead of a stepsister and by keeping his schedule as it is, I am not encouraging that. When I told them I didn't want to change bring even more changes to his life right now and wouldn't change anything they accused me of not caring about the consequences and not being a good mom or stepmom.
AITA?
submitted by Few-Payment2708 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
A DNA test was carried out which confirmed he is the father of his daughter. She's 7.
It came as a surprise but wasn't something we struggled to accept. It was mostly strange because we were all strangers and my stepdaughter didn't know my husband or he didn't know her. So some time was taken to make sure they knew each other before she moved in with us. I'm also pregnant so a lot of changes have been going on.
I have done my best to keep things as normal as possible for my 15 year old son. So nothing much has changed for him but this bothers my husband's parents. My son always spent a lot of time with friends and my ILs feel this is wrong now that he has a sister to get to know and a brother or sister on the way. They feel like I should be changing his schedule so he's home more and carve out plenty of time for them to bond because they hardly ever interact.
My husband said doing that could make him resent her when some things have already changed. He also pointed out that they won't have much in common given the age gap and the fact they're opposite sexes. My ILs said it's on me as my son's mom and only parent to make sure he gives my stepdaughter a real chance and gives her a chance to be a sister instead of a stepsister and by keeping his schedule as it is, I am not encouraging that. When I told them I didn't want to change bring even more changes to his life right now and wouldn't change anything they accused me of not caring about the consequences and not being a good mom or stepmom.
AITA?
2024.05.21 15:03 TrollsAreBanned 🫦No need to read KAMA SUTRA, just read POSTS on anti-Ahmadi r/islam_ahmadiyya 🤗
 | submitted by TrollsAreBanned to Ahmadiyya_islam [link] [comments] |
2024.05.21 15:03 mern_ I don’t know what to caption this I hopes that someone might take the time to read about my problems other than breastfeeding is fricken hard man
When I was pregnant my plan was to exclusively breastfeed my baby girl. After she was born, we really struggled with feeding the first day because she was chomping on my nipples. They were really bloody, painful, chapped. Towards the end of the day I eventually asked my doula to grab some formula and bottles because baby girl needed to eat and I couldn’t supply what she needed in that condition.
The lactation consultant at the hospital was no help either, she was in the room for five minutes and just gave me some pamphlets and left. The nurses were super helpful in getting her to latch but unfortunately they weren’t coming home with us to help me every time.
I began pumping as soon as we got home and more so once my milk supply came in. Baby girl still wouldn’t latch so she was having formula and bottled breastmilk. I was constantly beating myself up over this thinking something was wrong with me that I couldn’t feed my baby. I really wanted her to be breastfed. My doula referred us to a lactation consultant in our area who helped us with a lot. She was able to have baby latch with a nipple shield and she told me there isn’t anything anatomically wrong with me, which was a weight taken off my shoulders, but that baby girl was lacking the reflexes that babies are born with in order to produce a wide latch. She also found a tongue tie that our pediatrician missed. So we had to do different mouth exercises and tongue exercises and ultimately were referred to a pediatric dentist for a laser frenectomy.
Fast forward to now baby girl is 4 months old. Still won’t latch, even with the shield she just screams and gets so upset. I want to give up. I’ve accepted and come to terms with being a lost cause for this and that it probably won’t happen. I feel like I don’t have time to keep trying. I don’t produce enough, I don’t drink enough water, I’m not eating enough to feed my milk supply I feel like I don’t have time to eat these days, my nipples are chapped and discolored from pumping, my baby doesn’t see me and think “mom boobies milk” instead she recognizes the bottle and reaches for it and smiles at it and while it’s cute a part of me breaks. I never got to experience the bonding that comes with breastfeeding, the comfort for baby, the exchange of enzymes in her saliva that tells my body what she needs if she’s sick.
You know, my entire life I’ve always felt I was born into the wrong generation but let me tell you, I have never been more grateful to be born into this generation. I’ve been lucky enough to use several different kinds of pumps over the last four months to feed my baby. I never wanted her to be a formula baby (yes I was that mom) but I am beyond thankful to have a formula that’s right for my baby (plus, you can’t tell by looking at someone if they had formula or breastmilk and my girl is perfectly healthy and growing. A story for another time. Fed is best) Way back when, if you couldn’t feed your baby it would die or someone else would have to feed them. This is what I think about when I’m pumping every single time. How I can’t feed my baby because she couldn’t latch to me. It’s agonizing and consuming.
It is such a biological and primal urge to want to feed your baby, and I simply can’t. It’s wearing me down so much emotionally, I want to stop pumping all together but I don’t know how. I need someone, some mom out there who gets it, to tell me it’s ok to be done :(
submitted by mern_ to beyondthebump [link] [comments]
The lactation consultant at the hospital was no help either, she was in the room for five minutes and just gave me some pamphlets and left. The nurses were super helpful in getting her to latch but unfortunately they weren’t coming home with us to help me every time.
I began pumping as soon as we got home and more so once my milk supply came in. Baby girl still wouldn’t latch so she was having formula and bottled breastmilk. I was constantly beating myself up over this thinking something was wrong with me that I couldn’t feed my baby. I really wanted her to be breastfed. My doula referred us to a lactation consultant in our area who helped us with a lot. She was able to have baby latch with a nipple shield and she told me there isn’t anything anatomically wrong with me, which was a weight taken off my shoulders, but that baby girl was lacking the reflexes that babies are born with in order to produce a wide latch. She also found a tongue tie that our pediatrician missed. So we had to do different mouth exercises and tongue exercises and ultimately were referred to a pediatric dentist for a laser frenectomy.
Fast forward to now baby girl is 4 months old. Still won’t latch, even with the shield she just screams and gets so upset. I want to give up. I’ve accepted and come to terms with being a lost cause for this and that it probably won’t happen. I feel like I don’t have time to keep trying. I don’t produce enough, I don’t drink enough water, I’m not eating enough to feed my milk supply I feel like I don’t have time to eat these days, my nipples are chapped and discolored from pumping, my baby doesn’t see me and think “mom boobies milk” instead she recognizes the bottle and reaches for it and smiles at it and while it’s cute a part of me breaks. I never got to experience the bonding that comes with breastfeeding, the comfort for baby, the exchange of enzymes in her saliva that tells my body what she needs if she’s sick.
You know, my entire life I’ve always felt I was born into the wrong generation but let me tell you, I have never been more grateful to be born into this generation. I’ve been lucky enough to use several different kinds of pumps over the last four months to feed my baby. I never wanted her to be a formula baby (yes I was that mom) but I am beyond thankful to have a formula that’s right for my baby (plus, you can’t tell by looking at someone if they had formula or breastmilk and my girl is perfectly healthy and growing. A story for another time. Fed is best) Way back when, if you couldn’t feed your baby it would die or someone else would have to feed them. This is what I think about when I’m pumping every single time. How I can’t feed my baby because she couldn’t latch to me. It’s agonizing and consuming.
It is such a biological and primal urge to want to feed your baby, and I simply can’t. It’s wearing me down so much emotionally, I want to stop pumping all together but I don’t know how. I need someone, some mom out there who gets it, to tell me it’s ok to be done :(
2024.05.21 15:03 hangtenbro 24, marketing grad but uninspired - how do I get started?
I am a 24-year-old autistic dude living on the Thames Estuary. In 2022, I graduated with a 2:1 Bachelors of Science degree in Marketing, but owing to personal circumstances, I've spent most of the time between then and now not working. I'm also not really interested in my area of study anymore and would like to pursue something different.
There was a short period of time for just under three months where my father had invited me to work as an intern for the fintech company he worked at as a Market Data Intern. My job was to ensure that we had the correct data in our database for various financial securities. It was very challenging at first - I felt very far out of my comfort zone - but it did feel a bit easier in time. However, I was told that it was possible that my time at the company would be cut short as they had little work for me; decidedly, I chose to leave on my own terms.
Since then, I went on a UX design bootcamp, and after that, I hit the books and learnt some coding fundamentals (HTML/CSS, JavaScript, and PHP in particular), and was optimistic that, in time, I would be able to form a worthy portfolio of projects to use as a foundation for starting a career as a web designer and developer... until I realised that the job market for tech is - to understate - not great right now.
Currently, I occupy my time volunteering for a political party in my area, sending leaflets, canvassing households, and inputting the data we obtain from those canvasses into the party's voter database. I find it rewarding for its own sake - naturally, I want the party I represent to get into power this year - but indeed, I feel it has helped me regain my confidence after my time at university. Likewise, my work has been recognised by others in the local party, with the local party chair describing me as their most reliable volunteer. I've also done two much more short-term volunteering positions: helping to clean up the local woodlands and stewarding at a street art festival.
Throughout the last few months, I've been considering some other alleyways into a career. I've applied for administrative jobs in the logistics sector - quite large where I live - because of my special interest in passenger transport, and the possibility that I could convert my interest in that to cargo. However, I have had trouble with this, because I don't have a driving licence and would much prefer not driving - apparently, driving is important for even a backroom position. In the last few days, I've considered recruitment consultant roles because they could consolidate many of the skills I've picked up over the years and because the job has a sense of genuine utility, but many job descriptions ask for someone who is particularly "money-hungry" for commissions and I don't really feel that I am that? Indeed, part of me feels I could take an administrative job anywhere, try and climb the ladder, and see where the heck I end up? And indeed, part of me has thought about doing a Master's in something like political communications or town and country planning (a leap, I know!), but I don't think it's the right time for me just yet.
Does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance.
Mostly AI-Generated TL;DR: 24, autistic, living near London. With a marketing degree in hand, I'm seeking a career that ignites my passion. Web design seemed promising, but the job market gives me pause. Currently, volunteering for a political party fuels my sense of purpose (they even call me their most reliable volunteer!). Logistics appealed to my love for public transport, but my lack of a driver's license hinders that path. Recruitment consulting feels like a good fit for my skills, but the focus on sales isn't a great match. An administrative role with growth potential sounds ideal. Maybe I could even pursue a Master's in a field like political communications someday, but for now, I'm focused on finding the perfect fit.
submitted by hangtenbro to UKJobs [link] [comments]
There was a short period of time for just under three months where my father had invited me to work as an intern for the fintech company he worked at as a Market Data Intern. My job was to ensure that we had the correct data in our database for various financial securities. It was very challenging at first - I felt very far out of my comfort zone - but it did feel a bit easier in time. However, I was told that it was possible that my time at the company would be cut short as they had little work for me; decidedly, I chose to leave on my own terms.
Since then, I went on a UX design bootcamp, and after that, I hit the books and learnt some coding fundamentals (HTML/CSS, JavaScript, and PHP in particular), and was optimistic that, in time, I would be able to form a worthy portfolio of projects to use as a foundation for starting a career as a web designer and developer... until I realised that the job market for tech is - to understate - not great right now.
Currently, I occupy my time volunteering for a political party in my area, sending leaflets, canvassing households, and inputting the data we obtain from those canvasses into the party's voter database. I find it rewarding for its own sake - naturally, I want the party I represent to get into power this year - but indeed, I feel it has helped me regain my confidence after my time at university. Likewise, my work has been recognised by others in the local party, with the local party chair describing me as their most reliable volunteer. I've also done two much more short-term volunteering positions: helping to clean up the local woodlands and stewarding at a street art festival.
Throughout the last few months, I've been considering some other alleyways into a career. I've applied for administrative jobs in the logistics sector - quite large where I live - because of my special interest in passenger transport, and the possibility that I could convert my interest in that to cargo. However, I have had trouble with this, because I don't have a driving licence and would much prefer not driving - apparently, driving is important for even a backroom position. In the last few days, I've considered recruitment consultant roles because they could consolidate many of the skills I've picked up over the years and because the job has a sense of genuine utility, but many job descriptions ask for someone who is particularly "money-hungry" for commissions and I don't really feel that I am that? Indeed, part of me feels I could take an administrative job anywhere, try and climb the ladder, and see where the heck I end up? And indeed, part of me has thought about doing a Master's in something like political communications or town and country planning (a leap, I know!), but I don't think it's the right time for me just yet.
Does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance.
Mostly AI-Generated TL;DR: 24, autistic, living near London. With a marketing degree in hand, I'm seeking a career that ignites my passion. Web design seemed promising, but the job market gives me pause. Currently, volunteering for a political party fuels my sense of purpose (they even call me their most reliable volunteer!). Logistics appealed to my love for public transport, but my lack of a driver's license hinders that path. Recruitment consulting feels like a good fit for my skills, but the focus on sales isn't a great match. An administrative role with growth potential sounds ideal. Maybe I could even pursue a Master's in a field like political communications someday, but for now, I'm focused on finding the perfect fit.
2024.05.21 15:02 YourFavGothMom This post from r/vent and OP’s comments are giving off strong incel vibes….
 | submitted by YourFavGothMom to IncelTears [link] [comments] |
2024.05.21 15:02 LakeCultural3987 Step-son accused of bullying an autistic kid
Our kids became friends last fall as they played hockey together. The other parent was the coach. Early on in the season the coach mentioned that my son was playing with a stick that was too short for him. He then overheard my wife telling our son that she wasn't sure we had the money to buy a new stick right now. He talked to his son and they gave our son one of his old sticks that was a better size for our son. This made my wife think highly of these people and she started kinda pushing the friendship between the families especially between the two boys who play hockey together.
We start inviting this kid to our house and my wife warns me that he is very autistic and doesn't have play dates a lot. The kid isn't even at our house thirty minutes and has already punched our six year old. The kid was 10 at the time. We have three boys. At the time they were nine, eight, and six. So he punches our six year old and then he just starts being awful to the two younger boys. Because I am an adult, I don't freak out. I talk to him. I tell him if he wants to spend time at our house he isn't allowed to hit or a be mean to the younger kids. I tell him that I don't get the impression that he is a mean person, but rather he seems to think it will impress my son if he is mean to his younger brothers and that being mean to younger siblings is not cool and won't impress anyone. It will just make the parents think twice about letting him come over. After our talk he started behaving a bit better, but was still mean at times during this first visit.
The boys start hanging out together all the time and while my younger two boys loved this kid, my oldest who he was really there to hang out with started to act distant and at times seemed to be pushing his friend away. His friend would freak out if my son didn't want to do exactly what he wanted to do which was usually video games. Sometimes my son would tire of video games and start doing something else without his friend. His friend would go find him and lecture him on how when he has a friend over he needs to play with them. I would normally agree that it was rude of my son to just leave his friend and go do something else, but tried to also explain to his friend that he was tired of video games and maybe they could find something else to do together, but this kid pretty much only wanted to play video games and would be almost offended that my son didn't.
Anyway after I noticed this happening, the other parents started informing my wife that our son was bullying their son. My wife does most of communicating with other parents as I am more introverted normally and too often assume other adults are assholes. The only thing we noticed for sure was our son yelling at this kid once while fishing and we both talked to our son about how we should talk to friends and yelling at friends would lead to him not having any. Everything else was hearsay and I didn't know what to believe, but we still talked to our son about the accusations of bullying and we are not okay with bullying and we better not find out he is doing that. They accused our son of sending mean messages, but provided no proof and we looked everywhere we could think of and the messages we see our sending are to his paternal father and grandmother. Still we talk to him again about what he is being accused off and let him know that we really hope he isn't bullying anyone, and he will be in big trouble if we find out he is.
While this is going on I am downstairs one day and hear the kids playing games online. They are playing with this friend and I can hear his voice through the TV speaker. He is yelling at them telling them to talk to him. " I know you have a mic! Turn in it on! This is very rude! I know you have a mic so talk to me or I am leaving! I don't know why you guys are being buttholes to me. Just turn the mic on and talk to me or I am not playing with you! Their mic had stopped working and he was assuming they were just ignoring him, which doesn't make any sense because they sent him the invite to play with them, but he's a kid so I can't fault him for assumptions.
Fast forward to Saturday. This kid has a birthday party and my whole family is there. My kid was on one that day I admit. He was trying to impress a girl and kept teasing me by taking my hat and running off with it in a playful manner. This is something he may get from his mom and I because the way we play and flirt with eachother is by little things like this. She'll come home with silly string now and then and spray me randomly, and I find it funny and love that part of her personality, even when I am in a grumpy mood, I always smile about it. He has seen his mom shove frosting in my face at birthday parties, and so he thinks this is funny. The part that upsets me the most is that apparently the kids mother told the kids specifically not to play with the cupcakes. She said not to take one if you weren't going to eat it I guess. My son took a cupcake and then playfully tried to throw it at the birthday boy. I say playfully because that was what it was. There was no mean intent but the birthday boy got upset and I talked to my son about not doing that kind of thing unless you know the other person is okay with that kind play. Some people just aren't. Anyway my wife asks if everything is okay, because the other family seems upset. They say everything is fine and laugh it off. An hour later the dad sends my wife a bunch of messages calling our son a bully and us bad parents for allowing all of this bullying to continue and then blocks us on everything.
Over the course of the hockey season this dude got more and more involved with local kids hockey and is now one of the main dudes in kids hockey locally. I already know how he handles things cause there were multiple hockey teams and it was getting to be too much for him, so he hand chose the kids he wanted to coach the most and made one team that he would coach and basically canceled the rest of the season for the other kids. He didn't tell the parents of the kids he didn't choose for his team. He just said because ice time was hard to come by, scheduling conflicts, the incompetence of others involved in local hockey, and not having enough help, the season would be ending a bit early this year. The other parents found out about the secret team and were pissed. Then he basically just called them all assholes in mass text and blocked them all. Worried this douche is gonna have a say in what hockey team my son is on next season he'll screw him over.
Am I the asshole for not beating my son senseless over a cupcake to make this guy think I was a good parent?
submitted by LakeCultural3987 to AITAH [link] [comments]
We start inviting this kid to our house and my wife warns me that he is very autistic and doesn't have play dates a lot. The kid isn't even at our house thirty minutes and has already punched our six year old. The kid was 10 at the time. We have three boys. At the time they were nine, eight, and six. So he punches our six year old and then he just starts being awful to the two younger boys. Because I am an adult, I don't freak out. I talk to him. I tell him if he wants to spend time at our house he isn't allowed to hit or a be mean to the younger kids. I tell him that I don't get the impression that he is a mean person, but rather he seems to think it will impress my son if he is mean to his younger brothers and that being mean to younger siblings is not cool and won't impress anyone. It will just make the parents think twice about letting him come over. After our talk he started behaving a bit better, but was still mean at times during this first visit.
The boys start hanging out together all the time and while my younger two boys loved this kid, my oldest who he was really there to hang out with started to act distant and at times seemed to be pushing his friend away. His friend would freak out if my son didn't want to do exactly what he wanted to do which was usually video games. Sometimes my son would tire of video games and start doing something else without his friend. His friend would go find him and lecture him on how when he has a friend over he needs to play with them. I would normally agree that it was rude of my son to just leave his friend and go do something else, but tried to also explain to his friend that he was tired of video games and maybe they could find something else to do together, but this kid pretty much only wanted to play video games and would be almost offended that my son didn't.
Anyway after I noticed this happening, the other parents started informing my wife that our son was bullying their son. My wife does most of communicating with other parents as I am more introverted normally and too often assume other adults are assholes. The only thing we noticed for sure was our son yelling at this kid once while fishing and we both talked to our son about how we should talk to friends and yelling at friends would lead to him not having any. Everything else was hearsay and I didn't know what to believe, but we still talked to our son about the accusations of bullying and we are not okay with bullying and we better not find out he is doing that. They accused our son of sending mean messages, but provided no proof and we looked everywhere we could think of and the messages we see our sending are to his paternal father and grandmother. Still we talk to him again about what he is being accused off and let him know that we really hope he isn't bullying anyone, and he will be in big trouble if we find out he is.
While this is going on I am downstairs one day and hear the kids playing games online. They are playing with this friend and I can hear his voice through the TV speaker. He is yelling at them telling them to talk to him. " I know you have a mic! Turn in it on! This is very rude! I know you have a mic so talk to me or I am leaving! I don't know why you guys are being buttholes to me. Just turn the mic on and talk to me or I am not playing with you! Their mic had stopped working and he was assuming they were just ignoring him, which doesn't make any sense because they sent him the invite to play with them, but he's a kid so I can't fault him for assumptions.
Fast forward to Saturday. This kid has a birthday party and my whole family is there. My kid was on one that day I admit. He was trying to impress a girl and kept teasing me by taking my hat and running off with it in a playful manner. This is something he may get from his mom and I because the way we play and flirt with eachother is by little things like this. She'll come home with silly string now and then and spray me randomly, and I find it funny and love that part of her personality, even when I am in a grumpy mood, I always smile about it. He has seen his mom shove frosting in my face at birthday parties, and so he thinks this is funny. The part that upsets me the most is that apparently the kids mother told the kids specifically not to play with the cupcakes. She said not to take one if you weren't going to eat it I guess. My son took a cupcake and then playfully tried to throw it at the birthday boy. I say playfully because that was what it was. There was no mean intent but the birthday boy got upset and I talked to my son about not doing that kind of thing unless you know the other person is okay with that kind play. Some people just aren't. Anyway my wife asks if everything is okay, because the other family seems upset. They say everything is fine and laugh it off. An hour later the dad sends my wife a bunch of messages calling our son a bully and us bad parents for allowing all of this bullying to continue and then blocks us on everything.
Over the course of the hockey season this dude got more and more involved with local kids hockey and is now one of the main dudes in kids hockey locally. I already know how he handles things cause there were multiple hockey teams and it was getting to be too much for him, so he hand chose the kids he wanted to coach the most and made one team that he would coach and basically canceled the rest of the season for the other kids. He didn't tell the parents of the kids he didn't choose for his team. He just said because ice time was hard to come by, scheduling conflicts, the incompetence of others involved in local hockey, and not having enough help, the season would be ending a bit early this year. The other parents found out about the secret team and were pissed. Then he basically just called them all assholes in mass text and blocked them all. Worried this douche is gonna have a say in what hockey team my son is on next season he'll screw him over.
Am I the asshole for not beating my son senseless over a cupcake to make this guy think I was a good parent?
2024.05.21 15:02 oooooooooooui Char dham 2024 experience
We are 10 family members who booked this trip through a tour agency. My dadi(grandmother) is 76 years old with operation in both legs and a 3 year cancer patient. Our tour started at 11th May, 2024. We did the char dham in proper sequence (Yamnoutri -Gangotri- Kedarnath -Badrinath). We had a proper itinerary and online bookings done by the agency.
First we had a hotel booking in Barkot. The hotel was okay. they are extremely possessive about their towels with a rule- 1 towel per room??? I'm with my dadi and aunty in one room. They probably have a laundry problem or something but every single hotel has this nonsense rule. Anyways, next day 5am we left for Yamnoutri. Got stuck in a 5km long jam(Yamnoutri is 35km away) Me and my dad decided to walk it out. We covered 20km by 3pm however it started raining and couldn't continue ahead. We stayed in a tapri for 4 hours until the rain cleared. Our family was still stuck in traffic and hadn't reached even close to us. Now it's 8pm. We were supposed to be done with Yamnoutri and go back to our Barkot hotel. We had to cancel our Barkot bookings(and the hotel manager put all the bags of our 10 people in 1 room messing up everyones luggage). We booked another hotel at Sayanchatti were our family members reached at 11pm. Police management was utterly trash. I think even they were surprised with the amount of overcrowding. Next day we finally reached Yamnoutri. About the trek- the pathway/trail is full of shit. And I mean literally full of horse-poop. There are 700-1000 horses. Even after getting a horse, we had to wait 40mins for parchi and additional 1 hour(while on our horse) because of horse-jam. Yes there is a traffic jam of horses ON THE TREK. We wanted to walk but seeing the people who did walk, I was glad we didn't. The path is almost 3 meter wide with pithu, doly/palki, horses and people walking simultaneously. People who walked got continuously hit by horses and had to dirty their shoes in horse poop. We reached the temple finally, did Pooja, etc and managed to return Barkot where we had to re-book for another night. Our itinerary was already messed up at this point and money was wasted thrice (previous booking unattended in Barkot, the new booking in Sayanchatti and rebooking in Barkot). There is more like the incredibly risky horse route, etc but that's inevitable. I'm gonna continue with Gangotri.
We reached Maneri after struggling in jams for 7+ hours. We also did Uttarkashi before that. Ok so here the police had stopped us at checkpost and said cars are going in batches and if they let us go the jam ahead would only get worse. Now our hotel was 5 minutes(3km) by car from the checkpost. I went walking 3km and reached the hotel and there was absolutely no traffic like we told the police. We even showed them on Google maps. Traffic jams are understandable, but not letting us go after talking to the hotel owner, seeing proof that we won't contribute to traffic, that was a bit triggering. From police side it was just plain dumb. The commisioner there would keep talking his egoistical nonsense, not listening to anyone. Finally the rest of my family reached the hotel. Same issue with towels, rubbish beds, never ending insects and super unclean bathrooms with no pressure in water(flush, jets, bath, basin). Anyways, next day 12am we left for Gangotri with zero sleep because we are already behind our bookings and trying to avoid wasting more money. Got stuck in jam till 6am. [Also another note here, we had 2 private cars and one of the drivers was sleeping drunk and almost hit me and my mom. He hit a tempo traveller and we told him go back to sleep.] Finally reached Gangotri at 5:30pm, did our Pooja and then got in line for Darshan. My dadi and I got into the senior citizen line because she is 76 years old and can barely stand/walk in lines. Tilll now in the trip I don't completely blame the police for what was going on. But here in Gangotri, if anyone is going I am warning you, the police is rubbish. They are rude, tired with the crowd and very harsh and worst of all lazy. When u reach the main statue to go darshan, it's continuous pushing and almost a stampede, you cannot carry a baby or a old person there, they are garanteed to get hurt and the police won't care AT ALL. If you are lucky u might get to see the main statue of Ganga Mata for more than 4 seconds. After that we got back to our hotel in Maneri.
Next day we left for our hotel booking (adjusted by our agency) in Phata-Mankheda. Don't forget to go to Guptkashi before entering Phata. Here too same issues like 1 towel per room, charging points at the most unreachable locations in the room, etc. But this was still better than Maneri. Next morning 3am we left for Sonprayag. There is a line for your registration approval which goes on till Sitapur (2km from Sonprayag). People will continuously try to break and enter the line and there is almost a stampede and lot of heated crowd. After registration, you can go join 1km line for government taxi(50rs per head) from Sonprayag to Gaurikund. Anyways, after reaching Gaurikund there is a 1km inclined gali then the horses start.Remember this part. So here we again had to take a horse even tho we wanted to trek because at this point we were on 3-4hrs sleep everyday and our mental was very weak. We paid 6000rs per horse because it wasn't morning and the horse owner GARANTEED us all of my family members will be together, there will be one person per horse and that he already has the parchi. 5 of us had taken the horses and others went walking, palki and pithu. This path was again same as Yamnoutri or even worse. More horse-poop than ever, the sweepers there won't care and sweep the trash on you if u r in their way and continue doing so. People working there are literally illustrate and 'gouthi'. The horse owner didn't fulfil his promise either. There was 1 man handling 3 horses. The horses were going anywhere, hitting our legs on railings, other yatris,other horses etc. They told us to get down and walk 50m every time they saw police which is when we understood they didn't make a parchi. When we reached the top they demanded for the full money which they very very very obviously did not deserve for all their lies. When we said take 28k because anyways 2 of their men didn't come. They said give 30k else don't give anything at all. This childish, greedy attitude of theirs was again very triggering. We are not beggars and they are not doing us any favours so we still paid them the full amount. We are on a spiritual journey but since everything is about money from tourism, our spirit kept getting crushed. We had to spend the night at Kedarnath and our agency had booked us a dormitory. I warn anyone booking a dormitory, just don't. 30 unclean, continuously used beds, in one non- ventilation suffocating room with 1 Indian style toilet whose latch doesn't work shared with strangers. And the worst part is it is 1000rs per bed. I wouldn't pay 20rs for this rubbish service. At this point my spirit completely broke and I fell sick. I hadn't eaten anything and didn't want to. Next day my dad and I went down through horse at government rate (2300/). Others came in pithu and trek. Now came the worst part. The overcrord at the narrow 500m gali which i told u to remember above. Oh my God. After 22km Trek you are treated with this 0 management wild crowd. I had to take care of my dadi and fam from getting hurt. After reaching Gaurikund, again another 1.5km line with no special preference for senior citizens. Here people bribed the police 500rs to break and enter the line(happened right in front of me and my phone had no battery) When you reach the taxi finally, everyone tries to enter together and the police are just standing mutes. They are done with this💀. Finally got into the taxi, reached Sonprayag. Had to walk till Sitapur. Got a private taxi from there who demanded unreasonable price.We got mad and told him 4000rs till phata-mankheda(20km) which he then agreed to. Our hotel had changed to the worst possible hell of a hotel ever. I don't even want to talk about it. It has scarred me how people go about their business with 0 standards. At this point we just wanted to go home but Badrinath is left 😭
Ngl Badrinath tour was decent. Our hotel was in Piplakoti. Decent hotel called River view hotel. Roads are good. Only 4 hour line in Badrinath with heated crowd and 5 second darshan. At this point we are used to this so it's ok💀. Police was actually working and managing. Only issue we faced was directions from main road to the mandir and back. At night it gets very confusing.
Now I'd like to add, i haven't taken any names of hotels(except river view) or my tour agency because I don't mean any disrespect.
Uttrakhand is a beautiful beaitiful and amazing place with sceneries and memories I will carry with me forever. The sceneries while going to every dham are different and unique in their own way. Even just traveling from one dham to another by road is an amazing experience(excluding the jams).
I have some opinions- 1. Management is almost non-existent. Meet any Yatri and they will tell you the same. 2. Police are corrupt and lazy. Some try actively but that's like 10% of them. 3. The problem with hotels is that they are all on lease. I'll explain. The owner gives a person say Rahul their hotel on lease and asks for a certain amount per year. Rahul gets paid after that certain amount exceeds. Hotel bookings for char dham 6 months are always full. Rahul will always get this money and hence sees no need to maintain this hotel. So that's that. 4. Uttrakhand runs only and only on tourism and it is obvious. So as an individual tourist, you DO NOT matter. They don't care, they get people continuously. If your booking is cancelled there is always someone else to take it. You cannot talk sense to anyone running any type of service there. 5. Yamnoutri, Gangotri and Kedarnath roads for reaching there are narrow. Government should ban big buses permanently and is the best move they can make. These buses are 80% of the reasons for jams. They are improving roads but it's been 75+ years since independence so idk what they are doing. 6. Government should NOT take registrations when they cannot afford them. 27 Lakh registrations is not a joke. 2.8Lakh people in 4 days is not a joke. No one can manage this amount of people. Have a limit. People are spending lakhs of rupees coming from all over India for this and 90% of it is a bad experience. 7. Don't open all char dham together. This year's main issue was all 4 temples opened at the same date, 10th May. People were already ready and started rushing from 7-8th May.
Advice for Future Yatris- 1. Don't come in May. I had a compulsion so we had to. But everyone here says that the best months for char dham is September-October before Diwali. 2. If you do come in May, don't do online bookings. You need to be flexible with where you are gonna stay. 3. Carry a towel per person. Hotels are extremely possessive about their towels. 4. Leave early for every dham if you are committed to do all 4 of them. I've seen lot of people give up in jams. 5. Get warm clothes especially lot of socks and bring medicines, etc. Rain coats are ok but u need a poncho. Rain coats don't cover your bagpacks while trekking and even if they do, they will stretch and might tear. 6. Private cars/taxi yatri, spend a bit more and get a comfortable car. You will spend most of the time in your vehicle. Tempo travellers are extremely uncomfortable and avoid them. 7. Take cold water baths at colder places as warm water baths bring the blood vessels to skin level making it more sensitive later. You have to be mentally prepared before taking a cold water bath. 8. Weather changes like anything. Suncap and goggles are a must in day time. 9. If u get sick/stomach upset have black tea and biscuits. 10. Do private Pooja at Badrinath.
Good things- 1. The food is amazing. It's almost as good as homemade food. You can always tell the cook how you like your food. Do try the Vegetable Maggi at highecolder mountains. It's available everywhere. 2. Sceneries are amazing and don't forget to carry a proper camera. Phone tech these days is good too and will make photo-frame photos. 3. You will always find people to talk to. If you happen to find polite people, say the hotel cook or a homeguard or other yatris or anyone at all, you will have a good conversation. 4. The pandits are good and will only ask you to pay them if u want to for the Pooja. Always pay them. 5. No phone range. It's good so you live in the moment and can enjoy the amazing sceneries :)
I'm trying to be completely honest without involving any type of hate here and trying to paint a complete picture of what my journey was like. We had to go over budget(almost double) because we didn't know any of this even after research. Our tour agency didn't warn us about anything either. Only thing that matters is that you enter the holy grounds. You can expect amazing sceneries but not an amazing darshan in May. It's been a bittersweet journey and I am writing this while omw to home. I hope y'all find this helpful and plan accordingly only if you are going in May or peak season. Otherwise you might not face much issues in September. Thank you for reading.
submitted by oooooooooooui to Uttarakhand [link] [comments]
First we had a hotel booking in Barkot. The hotel was okay. they are extremely possessive about their towels with a rule- 1 towel per room??? I'm with my dadi and aunty in one room. They probably have a laundry problem or something but every single hotel has this nonsense rule. Anyways, next day 5am we left for Yamnoutri. Got stuck in a 5km long jam(Yamnoutri is 35km away) Me and my dad decided to walk it out. We covered 20km by 3pm however it started raining and couldn't continue ahead. We stayed in a tapri for 4 hours until the rain cleared. Our family was still stuck in traffic and hadn't reached even close to us. Now it's 8pm. We were supposed to be done with Yamnoutri and go back to our Barkot hotel. We had to cancel our Barkot bookings(and the hotel manager put all the bags of our 10 people in 1 room messing up everyones luggage). We booked another hotel at Sayanchatti were our family members reached at 11pm. Police management was utterly trash. I think even they were surprised with the amount of overcrowding. Next day we finally reached Yamnoutri. About the trek- the pathway/trail is full of shit. And I mean literally full of horse-poop. There are 700-1000 horses. Even after getting a horse, we had to wait 40mins for parchi and additional 1 hour(while on our horse) because of horse-jam. Yes there is a traffic jam of horses ON THE TREK. We wanted to walk but seeing the people who did walk, I was glad we didn't. The path is almost 3 meter wide with pithu, doly/palki, horses and people walking simultaneously. People who walked got continuously hit by horses and had to dirty their shoes in horse poop. We reached the temple finally, did Pooja, etc and managed to return Barkot where we had to re-book for another night. Our itinerary was already messed up at this point and money was wasted thrice (previous booking unattended in Barkot, the new booking in Sayanchatti and rebooking in Barkot). There is more like the incredibly risky horse route, etc but that's inevitable. I'm gonna continue with Gangotri.
We reached Maneri after struggling in jams for 7+ hours. We also did Uttarkashi before that. Ok so here the police had stopped us at checkpost and said cars are going in batches and if they let us go the jam ahead would only get worse. Now our hotel was 5 minutes(3km) by car from the checkpost. I went walking 3km and reached the hotel and there was absolutely no traffic like we told the police. We even showed them on Google maps. Traffic jams are understandable, but not letting us go after talking to the hotel owner, seeing proof that we won't contribute to traffic, that was a bit triggering. From police side it was just plain dumb. The commisioner there would keep talking his egoistical nonsense, not listening to anyone. Finally the rest of my family reached the hotel. Same issue with towels, rubbish beds, never ending insects and super unclean bathrooms with no pressure in water(flush, jets, bath, basin). Anyways, next day 12am we left for Gangotri with zero sleep because we are already behind our bookings and trying to avoid wasting more money. Got stuck in jam till 6am. [Also another note here, we had 2 private cars and one of the drivers was sleeping drunk and almost hit me and my mom. He hit a tempo traveller and we told him go back to sleep.] Finally reached Gangotri at 5:30pm, did our Pooja and then got in line for Darshan. My dadi and I got into the senior citizen line because she is 76 years old and can barely stand/walk in lines. Tilll now in the trip I don't completely blame the police for what was going on. But here in Gangotri, if anyone is going I am warning you, the police is rubbish. They are rude, tired with the crowd and very harsh and worst of all lazy. When u reach the main statue to go darshan, it's continuous pushing and almost a stampede, you cannot carry a baby or a old person there, they are garanteed to get hurt and the police won't care AT ALL. If you are lucky u might get to see the main statue of Ganga Mata for more than 4 seconds. After that we got back to our hotel in Maneri.
Next day we left for our hotel booking (adjusted by our agency) in Phata-Mankheda. Don't forget to go to Guptkashi before entering Phata. Here too same issues like 1 towel per room, charging points at the most unreachable locations in the room, etc. But this was still better than Maneri. Next morning 3am we left for Sonprayag. There is a line for your registration approval which goes on till Sitapur (2km from Sonprayag). People will continuously try to break and enter the line and there is almost a stampede and lot of heated crowd. After registration, you can go join 1km line for government taxi(50rs per head) from Sonprayag to Gaurikund. Anyways, after reaching Gaurikund there is a 1km inclined gali then the horses start.Remember this part. So here we again had to take a horse even tho we wanted to trek because at this point we were on 3-4hrs sleep everyday and our mental was very weak. We paid 6000rs per horse because it wasn't morning and the horse owner GARANTEED us all of my family members will be together, there will be one person per horse and that he already has the parchi. 5 of us had taken the horses and others went walking, palki and pithu. This path was again same as Yamnoutri or even worse. More horse-poop than ever, the sweepers there won't care and sweep the trash on you if u r in their way and continue doing so. People working there are literally illustrate and 'gouthi'. The horse owner didn't fulfil his promise either. There was 1 man handling 3 horses. The horses were going anywhere, hitting our legs on railings, other yatris,other horses etc. They told us to get down and walk 50m every time they saw police which is when we understood they didn't make a parchi. When we reached the top they demanded for the full money which they very very very obviously did not deserve for all their lies. When we said take 28k because anyways 2 of their men didn't come. They said give 30k else don't give anything at all. This childish, greedy attitude of theirs was again very triggering. We are not beggars and they are not doing us any favours so we still paid them the full amount. We are on a spiritual journey but since everything is about money from tourism, our spirit kept getting crushed. We had to spend the night at Kedarnath and our agency had booked us a dormitory. I warn anyone booking a dormitory, just don't. 30 unclean, continuously used beds, in one non- ventilation suffocating room with 1 Indian style toilet whose latch doesn't work shared with strangers. And the worst part is it is 1000rs per bed. I wouldn't pay 20rs for this rubbish service. At this point my spirit completely broke and I fell sick. I hadn't eaten anything and didn't want to. Next day my dad and I went down through horse at government rate (2300/). Others came in pithu and trek. Now came the worst part. The overcrord at the narrow 500m gali which i told u to remember above. Oh my God. After 22km Trek you are treated with this 0 management wild crowd. I had to take care of my dadi and fam from getting hurt. After reaching Gaurikund, again another 1.5km line with no special preference for senior citizens. Here people bribed the police 500rs to break and enter the line(happened right in front of me and my phone had no battery) When you reach the taxi finally, everyone tries to enter together and the police are just standing mutes. They are done with this💀. Finally got into the taxi, reached Sonprayag. Had to walk till Sitapur. Got a private taxi from there who demanded unreasonable price.We got mad and told him 4000rs till phata-mankheda(20km) which he then agreed to. Our hotel had changed to the worst possible hell of a hotel ever. I don't even want to talk about it. It has scarred me how people go about their business with 0 standards. At this point we just wanted to go home but Badrinath is left 😭
Ngl Badrinath tour was decent. Our hotel was in Piplakoti. Decent hotel called River view hotel. Roads are good. Only 4 hour line in Badrinath with heated crowd and 5 second darshan. At this point we are used to this so it's ok💀. Police was actually working and managing. Only issue we faced was directions from main road to the mandir and back. At night it gets very confusing.
Now I'd like to add, i haven't taken any names of hotels(except river view) or my tour agency because I don't mean any disrespect.
Uttrakhand is a beautiful beaitiful and amazing place with sceneries and memories I will carry with me forever. The sceneries while going to every dham are different and unique in their own way. Even just traveling from one dham to another by road is an amazing experience(excluding the jams).
I have some opinions- 1. Management is almost non-existent. Meet any Yatri and they will tell you the same. 2. Police are corrupt and lazy. Some try actively but that's like 10% of them. 3. The problem with hotels is that they are all on lease. I'll explain. The owner gives a person say Rahul their hotel on lease and asks for a certain amount per year. Rahul gets paid after that certain amount exceeds. Hotel bookings for char dham 6 months are always full. Rahul will always get this money and hence sees no need to maintain this hotel. So that's that. 4. Uttrakhand runs only and only on tourism and it is obvious. So as an individual tourist, you DO NOT matter. They don't care, they get people continuously. If your booking is cancelled there is always someone else to take it. You cannot talk sense to anyone running any type of service there. 5. Yamnoutri, Gangotri and Kedarnath roads for reaching there are narrow. Government should ban big buses permanently and is the best move they can make. These buses are 80% of the reasons for jams. They are improving roads but it's been 75+ years since independence so idk what they are doing. 6. Government should NOT take registrations when they cannot afford them. 27 Lakh registrations is not a joke. 2.8Lakh people in 4 days is not a joke. No one can manage this amount of people. Have a limit. People are spending lakhs of rupees coming from all over India for this and 90% of it is a bad experience. 7. Don't open all char dham together. This year's main issue was all 4 temples opened at the same date, 10th May. People were already ready and started rushing from 7-8th May.
Advice for Future Yatris- 1. Don't come in May. I had a compulsion so we had to. But everyone here says that the best months for char dham is September-October before Diwali. 2. If you do come in May, don't do online bookings. You need to be flexible with where you are gonna stay. 3. Carry a towel per person. Hotels are extremely possessive about their towels. 4. Leave early for every dham if you are committed to do all 4 of them. I've seen lot of people give up in jams. 5. Get warm clothes especially lot of socks and bring medicines, etc. Rain coats are ok but u need a poncho. Rain coats don't cover your bagpacks while trekking and even if they do, they will stretch and might tear. 6. Private cars/taxi yatri, spend a bit more and get a comfortable car. You will spend most of the time in your vehicle. Tempo travellers are extremely uncomfortable and avoid them. 7. Take cold water baths at colder places as warm water baths bring the blood vessels to skin level making it more sensitive later. You have to be mentally prepared before taking a cold water bath. 8. Weather changes like anything. Suncap and goggles are a must in day time. 9. If u get sick/stomach upset have black tea and biscuits. 10. Do private Pooja at Badrinath.
Good things- 1. The food is amazing. It's almost as good as homemade food. You can always tell the cook how you like your food. Do try the Vegetable Maggi at highecolder mountains. It's available everywhere. 2. Sceneries are amazing and don't forget to carry a proper camera. Phone tech these days is good too and will make photo-frame photos. 3. You will always find people to talk to. If you happen to find polite people, say the hotel cook or a homeguard or other yatris or anyone at all, you will have a good conversation. 4. The pandits are good and will only ask you to pay them if u want to for the Pooja. Always pay them. 5. No phone range. It's good so you live in the moment and can enjoy the amazing sceneries :)
I'm trying to be completely honest without involving any type of hate here and trying to paint a complete picture of what my journey was like. We had to go over budget(almost double) because we didn't know any of this even after research. Our tour agency didn't warn us about anything either. Only thing that matters is that you enter the holy grounds. You can expect amazing sceneries but not an amazing darshan in May. It's been a bittersweet journey and I am writing this while omw to home. I hope y'all find this helpful and plan accordingly only if you are going in May or peak season. Otherwise you might not face much issues in September. Thank you for reading.
2024.05.21 15:02 Such-Bread8662 My dad was accused of theft by a client at work
So my dad was just arrested because he was accused of stealing airpods out of a car that was sold to his job, the women apperently left the airpods in the car when she had sold it and 2 days later called in to say that her airpods were tracked to his home address and she has a screenshot of said address location. I havent seen the airpods here and when the police came to pick my dad up they said they were not going to search the house as it is a small item. They have nothing but the address as its last location and this is my dads first time offense, his court case is thursday and im anxious to know what will happen. As of now he says he doesnt have it nor know what shes talking about. What can we do on our side, me and my mom have never been through something like this, he is being kept in jail till thursday. Any advice or peacemind.
submitted by Such-Bread8662 to legaladvice [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 15:01 Same-Computer8225 Being punished for being honest work
As a quality auditor, I have to mark anyone down if their output is not aligned with guidelines and I have done the same. But my boss says, it was my miss for not training the newbie perfectly and I had to hear about it for 15min almost made me break down. I told him that the newbie was only one month old when she made the errors and now she’s doing a lot better after giving her feedback. He said, I delayed giving her feedback hence the errors happened (these errors are very low level and can be corrected). Now he’s asking me to work on an ELABORATIVE RCA for such minor errors. I have never seen anyone doing an RCA for such small issues. I usually see RCAs only for client feedbacks. I feel like I’m being punished for doing my job. I want to talk to about it to my senior manager but I’m afraid it won’t end well for me because people really do hold grudges in corporate and it shows.
submitted by Same-Computer8225 to work [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 15:01 Total_Cap_8129 AITA for giving heirloom jewellery to my daughters instead of my sister-in-law?
This is my first reddit post, throwaway. Also Englisch is not my first language.
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what. Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples. Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet. I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same. I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place. My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
submitted by Total_Cap_8129 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what. Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples. Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet. I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same. I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place. My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
BigIronBruce
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.
failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I don’t have any reason to distrust her. Maybe it’s something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Can’t really approach that with a solution if she doesn’t think it was a problem. IDK
BigIronBruce
She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated?I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank youInteresting-Tip-4850
"I’m ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.
OOP: Can you elaborate on the “180 Method”?Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
OOP: I bookmarked this. I’m heavily considering this.
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
OOP: Definitely. I think this “soft ultimatum” (180 method) has been very eye opening. I’m definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but I’m also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and I’ve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I don’t want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things don’t improve, it won’t be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
OOP: I understand what you mean. I don’t think I’ll ever doubt she loved me at all. I’m certain she did and I’m certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and I’m not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex we’re lacking.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method it’s happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. It’s evident she’s thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Here’s what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/evastraea posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says “you’re not like my other kids” like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didn’t once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didn’t think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesn’t make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and you’re not always able to “make up for it”. OP didn’t do this to hurt her daughter and it’s weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
You’re a good mom. It might’ve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like you’ve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and you’re a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says “you’re not like my other kids” like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didn’t once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didn’t think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesn’t make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and you’re not always able to “make up for it”. OP didn’t do this to hurt her daughter and it’s weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
You’re a good mom. It might’ve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like you’ve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and you’re a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 FelicitySmoak_ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 - Jackson v. AEG Live Day 15
 | Trial Day 15 submitted by FelicitySmoak_ to WhereWasMJToday [link] [comments] Katherine, Rebbie and Trent Jackson are at court. LA Times reported that the Jacksons offered a settlement. Kevin Boyle , a lawyer for Katherine Jackson and Michael's kids , said they offered to settle the lawsuit against AEG, but that they never got an answer. Kevin Boyle said the family made the offers in January & March. Boyle would not provide details but said AEG's insurance would have paid, which means they could have settled the case without them paying a dime of their money. He said AEG has never offered to settle & they haven't apologized. Marvin Putnam, an attorney for AEG, said it was inappropriate to discuss settlement discussions: "We don't settle matters that are utterly baseless. We believe that is the case in this matter. I can't see why we would consider a settlement as anything other than a shakedown"CNN Reports there was a snack controversy during trial: AEG lawyers gave a bag of peppermint candy to the bailiff to hand out to the jury this week. Even Katherine Jackson enjoyed the treat but Jackson's lawyer raised an objection, suggesting jurors might be influenced if they realized the source of the sweets. A compromise was reached. Each side can provide snacks for jurors, but they'll be placed at the bailiff's desk before jurors enter court so they have no clue who brought it. Shawn Trell Testimony Jackson direct AEG Live General Counsel, Shawn Trell, told jurors that he had forgotten that Kenny Ortega was working under a signed contract. Trell said he met with his attorneys last night and reviewed one doc -- Kenny Ortega's contract. "He had a written contract," Trell said. "I remember the email dynamic. I'm not too proud to admit that I didn't recall the cover contract," Trell said he was changing his previous testimony to add that Ortega had a written contract, not only emails between him and AEGNext topic was Insurance: Cancellation/Non-Appearance/Sickness. Trell said he started working on insurance for the tour in November of 2008. Panish showed several chains of emails where the parties talked about the insurance for the tour Email from Bob Taylor insurance broker to Trell on 1/7/09: "Prior to speaking with carriers we ask the artist to attend medical with a doctor...A full medical with both blood/urine tests. The doctor also wants to review the medical records over the last 5 years to ensure full disclosure. Insurers require further medical examination to be carried out by their nominated doctor. They may restrict illness coverage or death from illness coverage until this examination has taken place"Email from 4/30/09 - Wooley to Trell : "We have no coverage against Michael sickness unless and until he submits to another medical in LondonEmail from 5/28/09 - Trell to Taylor: "We really need to get that medical done"Email from 6/23/09 - Trell to Taylor : "Any update on the availability of Term insurance?" (life insurance)Trell said if they secured life insurance, they would get money if Michael died. "We would get the money owed to us, yes," Trell testified.Trell also said he continued discussions with an insurance broker about additional coverage to recoup AEG Live's investment if the tour had to be canceled. Email from 6/24/09 -Taylor to Trell : "Insurers have refused to move on this. Huge amount of speculation in the media regarding artist's health. They feel if they're to consider providing illness to cover this particular artist, they must have very through medical report"Email from 6/25/09 - Gongaware to Taylor : "If we don't get sickness coverage, we are dropping this policy"Email from 6/25/09 - Taylor to Gongaware : "The consultation in London is critical. The doctor is holding the afternoon of the 6th July open at Harley St. But keep in mind the visit could take 2 hours plus"Next topic: Budget/Costs. Panish showed an email from AEG's Rick Webking to Michael's estate with 1st report of artist advances/expenses. This was a letter sent to the estate containing the expenses incurred, Trell said. "It seems to me we submitted this report for their review, I don't see any request for payment," Trell said.Trell said he spoke with Randy Phillips and Paul Gongaware about Michael's physical condition prior to coming to testify. "I had heard about rehearsals in which Mr. Jackson was fantastic," Trell saidTrell said he's aware of email from Ortega saying doctor was not allowing Michael to attend rehearsal on June 14, 2009. "I was aware of the doctor not allowing him to attend rehearsal," Trell saidEmail from 6/17/09 from Phillips: "...Ortega, Gongaware, Dileo, and his doctor Conrad from Vegas and I have an intervention with him to get him to focus and come to rehearsal"Email from 6/17/09 from Gongaware to Phillip's assistant: "We need a physical therapist and a nutritionist"Email from Production Manager - Gongaware/Phillips on 6/19/09 : "Paul/Randy I'm not bring a drama queen here. Kenny asked me to notify you both Michael was sent home without stepping foot on stage. He was a basket case and Kenny was concerned he would embarrass himself on stage, or worse yet, be hurt. The company is rehearsing right now, but the DOUBT is pervasive"Email from Randy Phillips to Tim Leiweke on 6/19/09 : "We have a huge problem here."Trell agreed with a statement by plaintiff's attorney, Brian Panish, that company executives knew by then there was a "deep issue" with Jackson Does Trell consider that exchange a "red flag" that AEG Live should have noticed, Panish asked. "I would take it seriously, as I believe Mr. Phillips did," Trell answered. "I don't know I would use the word 'red flag'One of the emails shown to the jury was from Jackson estate co-executor John Branca, sent 5 days before Jackson's death & marked 'confidential': "I have the right therapist/spiritual advisosubstance abuse counselor who could help (recently helped Mike Tyson get sober and paroled) Do we know whether there is a substance issue involved (perhaps better discussed on the phone)The email was sent the same day that a meeting was held at Jackson's home with Murray. No further info given to jury. Trell said Mr. Phillips never told him about this email Email from Ortega to Randy Phillips on 6/20/09: (chain of emails) "I honestly don't think he is ready for this based on his continued physical weakening and deepening emotional state"Trell said he didn't see these emails. He said he spoke with Randy Phillips about Phillips' perception of Michael, in order to prepare for testifying, but not about specific emails. Trell has been designated as the most qualified person to speak on behalf of AEG Email from Phillips to Gongaware on 6/20/09 at 1:52 am : "Tim and I are going to see him tomorrow, however, I'm not sure what the problem is Chemical or Physiological?"From Gongaware to Phillips, on 6/20/09 at 5:59 am : "Take the doctor with you. Why wasn't he there last night?"From Phillips to Gongaware, on 6/20/09 at 2:01 pm : "He is not a psychiatrist so I'm not sure how effective he can be at this point obviously, getting him there is not the issue. It is much deeper"Trell said Randy Phillips went to a handful of rehearsals, three at the Forum and two at Staples Center. The head of the marketing department attended rehearsal on June 23, 2009. "She was blown away by it," Trell testified.He said he was unaware of issues with Jackson at rehearsals. "I knew of no problems with Michael Jackson at all",Trell testified.Trell said he never saw the emails from Phillips directing people to exclude images from This Is It of Michael looking "skeletal" while rehearsing. "What were his observations of Michael's physical condition during rehearsal," Trell said. "I asked for his (Phillips) personal opinion."Next line of questioning is about human resources and background checks. Trell said they can be valuable and useful tools when hiring. Background check costs around $40 to $125. Trell said AEG Live could afford this fee. "We don't do background checks on independent contractors," Trell said. Trell said he was involved in the hiring by AEG Live for the This Is It tour. His department was responsible for retaining independent contractors. Trell said he is not familiar with background check process for hiring. "I am not familiar with the process of doing background checks," Trell said. "No training." Panish: "There was no hiring criteria for the This Is It tour, correct?"Trell: "Not to my knowledge" Trell testified that when it comes to independent contractors, they have either worked with the artists, AEG or known in the industry. Trell agreed that no background check was done on anyone working on the This Is It tour. AEG Live General Counsel Shawn Trell told jurors that no legal or financial checks were done involving Conrad Murray or anyone else who worked as an independent contractor on the This Is It shows. Depending on the nature of the position, a background could be done, Trell said, like for potential employees in the financial area. Trell said he thought a background check would be appropriate for people working in financial roles, but not tour personnel who weren't employees of AEG As to independent contractors, Trell said there's no supervision and monitoring like there's for employees Panish: "You don't do anything to check into background, supervise or protect the artist?"Trell: "No, safety is a concern" Trell said that AEG did not hire Murray, that the doctor was like many independent contractors, "When they leave the environment, what they do on their own time is their own business"Trell testified he doesn't believe the artist is more at risk because AEG Live doesn't do background checks "We did nothing to monitor Dr. Murray," Trell said. "We did not monitor whatever it was that he was doing, no.""It called for Michael Jackson being able to terminate Dr. Murray at will," Trell said about the contract. "If the concerts didn't go forward, and he was terminated under this provision, Dr. Murray would not be paid going forward," Trell explained As to Dr Murray being under dire financial straits, Trell said that he doesn't know if he agrees with it, everyone's perception is different Trell: "I certainly wasn't aware of it at the time"Panish: "Because you didn't check, right?" Trell: "That's right" "I don't think conflict of interests are a good thing, and we would want to prevent it," Trell said Email from Kathy Jorie to Shawn Trell on 6/24/09 at 12:54 am: Subject: Revised agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. MurrayIt had two attachments Attachments: Revised Michael Jackson -AEG GCA Holdings Murray Agreement 6-18-09 Final MJ -- AEG GCA Holdings Agreement (Dr. Murray) 6-23-09Email chain from 6/23/09, 5:39pm from Jorrie to Wooley, Murray Subject: RE: Michael Jackson - Revised Agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. Murray Email:"I have redlined the Word version so that you can see all of the revisions. In addition, I've attached clean PDF version for execution" (The email says that if Dr. Murray approved it, he was to print it, sign and send it back to Jorrie) Panish: "Did Ms. Jorrie call this contract a draft?"Trell: "She called it a Final Version" "Every document is a draft until it is executed," Trell said. Panish showed emails exchanged among AEG executives that contained drafts of Murray's contract. Although Murray had signed a contract with the company, neither Jackson nor anyone from AEG had added their signatures. Trell testified that a copy of the contract had never been sent to Jackson With Trell on the stand, Panish played part of an interview that AEG Live President Randy Phillips gave to Sky News television soon after Michael's death. "This guy was willing to leave his practice for a very large sum of money, so we hired him," Phillips said.Panish also showed jurors an e-mail between AEG lawyers suggesting that Phillips told other interviewers AEG Live "hired" Murray. Panish: "Isn't it true that Randy Phillips made numerous comments that AEG Live hired Dr. Murray?"Trell: "I know he has made that statement" Panish said AEG higher-ups became concerned after Phillips made such admission. Trell said he didn't know if that was true. Bruce Black is the General Counsel for parent company of AEG and AEG Live. Michael Roth is AEG's media relations Email from Kathy Jorrie to Bruce Black and Michael Roth on 8/25/09: Subject: AEG Live president says AEG Live hired Dr. Conrad MurrayPanish shows Trell a deposition, under oath, given by insurance broker Bob Taylor on another case. Trell said he has never seen or read it. Trell denied having a telephone conversation with Mr. Taylor where Trell asked him if a doctor's compensation was covered in the insurance. Panish: "Does that refresh your recollection that AEG was employing Dr. Murray?"Trell: "Mr. Taylor has this completely wrong" After lunch break, Brian Panish asked if Shawn Trell wanted to change anything else in his testimony, to which he said "No" Bruce Black, attorney for Anschutz, was present in the meeting with LAPD. Trell met with the police on 1/12/10. Trell told the police that day that Dr. Murray would receive $150,000 compensation per month. Trell also said that Dr. Murray requested and AEG would provide necessary medical equipment and a nurse. More than five months after Jackson's death, Trell said, he informed LAPD detectives that Murray initially requested $5 million to join the tour but eventually agreed to a salary of $150,000 a month for 10 months. Panish: "As far as you know, all the agreements written for TII tour was done under AEG Live Productions, right?"Trell: "Yes" Panish: "Was Dr. Murray trying to help AEG get insurance?" Trell: "The policy was in both names, so he was helping both parties" Trell said Dennis Hawk, who represented Michael, was in touch with Taylor regarding the insurance Panish: "As of June 2009, you don't even know whether Mr. Jackson had a personal managerTrell: "Well, my understanding at the time there were a couple of people acting in that capacity" Email on 6/2/09 from Randy Phillips to Jeff Wald: "Jeff, remember getting Michael to focus is not the easiest thing in the world and we still have no lawyer, business manager, or, even real manager in place. It is a nightmare!"Trell said the only time he saw an artist's signature required to retain an independent contractor was for Dr. Murray. Trell said his understanding was that Dr. Murray worked for Michael for 3 years; didn't know how many times MJ saw Dr. Murray. "I've never spoken with Dr. Murray ever. And I met/spoke with Mr. Jackson once," Trell said. "He was a significant expense," Trell testified about Dr. Murray.Trell said AEG Live didn't do anything to check Dr. Murray's competency as doctor, other than checking his physician license. Trell said AEG didn't do anything to determine Dr. Murray's financial conditions in 2009. Jury was shown an email that Phillips sent to Kenny Ortega on night of June 20, 2009. It was email urging Ortega to stand down. Email on 6/20/09 Phillips to Ortega : "Kenny it's critical that neither you, me, anyone around this show become amateur psychiatrist/physicians. I had a lengthy conversation with Dr. Murray, who I am gaining immense respect for as I get to deal with him more. He said that Michael is not only physically equipped to perform & discouraging him to will hasten his decline instead of stopping it. Dr. Murray also reiterated that he is mentally able to and was speaking to me from the house where he had spent the morning with Michael. This doctor is extremely successful (we check everyone out) and does not need this gig so he is totally unbiased and ethical"Panish asked Trell whether Phillips "characterization to Ortega, given no background check was done, was a lie". Trell responded that he didn't know what Phillips knew or was thinking when he wrote that email to Ortega. Trell also said he expected Randy Phillips to testify at some point during the trial, so he could address the email himself Panish then asked Trell, "Sir, you never checked out one single thing about Dr. Murray -- you've already told me that, correct?""As of the date of the email, that would've been correct",Trell said. When pressed by Panish, Trell said that Phillips' statement that Murray had been checked out, along with the executive's claim that the doctor 'does not need this gig' were inaccurate. "I don't know where Randy's understanding or impression comes from", Trell said.Trell testified that Phillips might have been "misinformed" or simply was stating his impression of the Las Vegas cardiologist Panish: "But no one at AEG checked Dr. Murray to see if he was successful or not, isn't that true?"Trell: "Yes" Panish then asked several pointed questions about whether Shawn Trell agreed with Phillips telling Ortega they'd checked Murray out. One of Panish's questions was whether Trell thought Phillips' email was 'acceptable conduct' Panish called Phillips' statement "a flat out lie" and asked Trell whether he agreed with it or if it signified how AEG did business. Trell said he didn't know what Phillips thought he knew when he wrote the message. "I know this statement is not accurate, but you'd have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he thought or meant in saying it," Trell said. Panish: "That's a flat out lie, isn't it sir?"Trell: "I don't know what Mr. Phillips intended to say, this should be a question to him" Panish: "You don't know if he was successful or facing bankruptcy, did you?" Trell: "No" Trell: "I know the statement is not accurate. You have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he meant to say" Panish: "Do you agree with the CEO of your company making untrue statements?" Trell: "I don't know that he didn't know it wasn't true when he said it" Trell said Phillips never told him that he checked Dr. Murray out. As to reference in Phillips' email about Dr. Murray being unbiased, ethical, not needing this gig, Trell said it was Phillips' impressions. He said AEG typically only runs background checks on candidates applying for full-time jobs with AEG, not independent contractors. Panish: "Isn't it true AEG Live does not do background check on independent contractors?"Trell: "That's true" Trell said that no one from AEG interviewed Dr. Murray because he was an independent contractor. "Did anyone from AEG ever at any time interview Dr. Murray", asked Brian Panish"No", Trell replied. Panish showed a document used by AEG entitled "Disclosure and Authorization to Conduct Background Check". Doc is used for employment, promotion, retention, contingent or the rate staffing, consulting, sub-contract work, or volunteer work. Panish asked if there was any reason why Dr. Murray was not given a background check. "He wasn't an employee, he wasn't applying for a full time position with the company," Trell explained.Trell said theoretically they could've asked to check Dr. Murray's background and credit. AEG Cross Jessica Bina began her examination by showing the letter submitted by AEG's CFO to the Estate of Michael Jackson for their review. She asked Shawn Trell about the estimate presented to Jackson's estate that included Murray's $300k fees. She asked why it was prepared. Shawn Trell said it was done at the request of the estate. He said Jackson's estate wanted to know state of tour finances when Jackson died. Trell said the report was requested by the Estate after a series of meetings after Michael's death. "The purpose of the meeting was to wind up the business affairs of the tour due to Michael's death", Trell said. "It was my understating in June Tohme was back in the picture in some capacity. I'm not sure which, Mr. DiLeo was in it too," Trell saidBina: "Is there any request for payment?" Trell: "No, there's no demand for payment, it's for review" Stebbins Bina asked about the inclusion of Murray's fee in the document. Bina showed the report that was attached to the letter. Murray's fee on the document had a footnote. Trell read what that footnote said, and explained why estate wasn't asked for Murray's fee. Next to "Management Medical" there's a reference to footnote 3. Note 3: 'Contract is not signed by Michael Jackson and such signature was condition precedent to any payment obligation' - Footnote on Murray fee.Trell testified Webking, the CFO for AEG, did not ask Michael's Estate for payment of Dr. Murray's salary "You testified you were somewhat confused (by the inclusion of the $300,000)?", Bina asked Trell as she projected the list, dated July 17, 2009, on a screen for jurors."Do you see there's something in parentheses?', Stebbins Bina asked, zooming in to blow up a footnote from AEG CFO Frederick Webking that stated Michael Jackson never signed Murray's contract, so its terms were not enforceable. "Is Mr. Webking asking the estate to pay?", Stebbins Bina asked Trell. "No", he replied, explaining that upon reflection he believed Mr. Webking was just being 'thorough' by including the $300,000 as a budgeted cost. "Did Mr. Webking make a mistake as you thought yesterday?",she asked. "No, he did not", Trell answered Second report made to the Estate on 9/18/09, there was no amount next to management medical. Stebbins Bina then showed a Sept. 2009 report of This Is It's finances to Michael Jackson's estate. Murray's fee is not listed in that document Trell went through his job description with AEG. He said he has five lawyers in his department and has worked on thousands of agreements. Trell explained what PMK is -- Person Most Knowledgeable, identified by the company to testify on its behalf. Trell said he didn't know about all the topics he was designated, so he had to do some studying and interviews with people As to Ortega's contract, Trell said he was aware of a string of emails being at least a part of the original agreement with Kenny. "When we were done here yesterday, I looked at Kenny Ortega's original agreement," Trell said.Trell noted he hadn't looked at Ortega's agreement since it was entered into in 2009. Before the afternoon break, Trell and jury were shown Kenny Ortega's tour agreement. It was signed in April 2009. The agreement was three pages of legalese, with several pages of emails attached that confirmed the terms. The first three pages included some paragraphs that described who owned the rights to This Is It content. A large number of emails are part of the agreement as exhibits. Trell said he recalled the emails exchange and admitted again not being proud of forgetting the cover contract portion. Bina showed Ortega's executed contract with everyone's signature on it. Trell said Kenny Ortega was paid after his contract was signed. Trell, Phillips and Kathy Jorrie were involved in drafting and negotiating the contract with Michael Jackson. For MJ, Trell said Dr. Tohme Tohme and attorneys Dennis Hawk and Peter Lopez represented him. He said there were multiple drafts. "It's my understanding they were talking to, or at least receiving offers from, a competitive of ours, Live Nation," Trell said.Trell also said that before signing an agreement with AEG, Jackson had been considering a tour offer from its main competitor, Live Nation. Bina showed the jury the final tour agreement. Trell said he went to MJ's home at Carolwood to sign it. Upon arrival, Trell said Mr. Jackson got up from where he was seated, and said 'Hi, welcome, I'm Michael." Trell said it was pretty funny, since he was a very distinct person. Trell said they shook hands, he had a good firm handshake and his voice was not what people think "He popped up, came over, introduced himself, was very cordial, there was a real positive energy, good vibe in the room," Trell said. "He seemed genuinely enthused," Trell added. "He had the contract in front of him, said he read every page, seemed very enthused." Trell said they all signed it and Mr. Jackson was really keen on the 3-D stuff, that he was already down the road in his mind. "I was probably there just a little less than an hour. And that was the only time I met him," Trell recalled.Bina discussed the contract for the tour agreement: A first class performance by Artist at each show on each of the approved itineraries. Contract: Artist shall perform no less than 80 minutes at each show, and the maximum show length for each show shall be 3.5 hours. Artist shall approve a sufficient number of shows on itineraries proposed by promoter or producer as to recoup the advances made.Trell said compensation was agreed on 90-10 split. Artist received 90% of what's defined contingent compensation. Trell explained to jury how concerts get paid for. One scenario is artist pays for production up front. A second scenario is that the promoter gives artist an advance, and then they use the money to put together the show. The third option, Trell said, is the artist pays someone like AEG Live to produce and promote the show, with costs to come out of their pay. Trell called the second and third option like an interest-free loan. In Jackson's case, AEG agreed to a 90/10 split of show's proceeds. Jackson would have received the 90% portion, Trell said. Jackson was also on the hook for a 5% production fee AEG Live was promoter & producer. "We advanced the money necessary to mount the tour," Trell explained. "It's interest free money".Trell testified that Jackson's advance, which covered his $100,000-a-month rent on his mansion and a $3-million payment to settle a lawsuit that would free up his performance rights, was considered a loan to be paid back to AEG. Part of the advance was to pay off the settlement agreement of $3 million in London court. The underlying dispute was that a company owned the rights for Jackson's live performance. "The rights needed to be freed up," Trell said.The advances were to be paid back to AEG Live before the split of revenue. Production Advances were capped to $7.5 million. Contract: Artist was responsible for all the production costs in excess of the cap and had to reimburse promoter. "Michael Jackson was known to have very elaborate productions," Trell said. "Production values can get significant, for lack of a better word, it really depends on how many bells and whistles they want," Trell said.Trell said AEG would not advance money without the artist requesting it. Trell said it's not only typical and customary, but standard and artist needs to secure either non-appearance or cancellation insurance. Their interest in the policy, Trell said, was to cover the advances and production costs incurred with the production of the show. "If the were no obligations to AEG, the payout would go back to the artist", Trell explained, "It just recoups our loan made to the artist."Trell was also asked about elements of tour insurance policies and an agreement with former manager Tohme Tohme. Jackson's contract called for him to represent to AEG that he didn't have any health conditions that would keep him from performing. Contract: Artistco hereby represents and warrants that artist does not possess any known health conditions, injuries or ailments that would reasonable be expected to interfere with Artist's first class performance at each of the shows during the termOh Tohme's $100k per month agreement, Trell was shown a January contract that Jackson signed to pay that amount. However, Trell said Tohme's agreement was predicated on Jackson getting tour cancellation insurance by a certain date. Deadline passed and by that point Tohme was no longer Jackson's manager, so he wasn't entitled to be paid his monthly fee. January 24, 2009 -- agreement entered with Dr. Tohme Tohme. Trell said Michael was involved and signed this agreement. "This agreement was entered into January 26, Trell testified. "There are conditions that needed to be met before any payment could be made."One of the the conditions was placement of non-appearance insurance, Trell said. That placement was done in late April, early May. In May, AEG received letter from MJ saying Tohme didn't rep him anymore. "No payments were ever made under this agreement," Trell explained.Court Transcript Rebbie Jackson attending court https://preview.redd.it/mmatrsug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2bb18c8e5e6bca215719208409346bccaf96bc4 https://preview.redd.it/h6ywhnug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4576d97371141a308ad6300fb33400f28ed009e3 https://preview.redd.it/wd14srug5o1d1.jpg?width=508&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=31ded1abac7f1916fc67b5d0b264dd231b96f275 https://preview.redd.it/pvrb3vug5o1d1.jpg?width=423&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2e4e93a20eccf030747d4ee60a95365b5e41e9ce https://preview.redd.it/yexbwrug5o1d1.jpg?width=419&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c26155b8478e7c48f8863d946b836f1ab2a13fe8 https://preview.redd.it/o6nzk0vg5o1d1.jpg?width=483&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f146baaaa738ec5fe700fa42aaf58e138f21165f https://preview.redd.it/vuozioug5o1d1.jpg?width=431&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f229517cb96a8f80571439f6f0e27f8c6c7852bc |
2024.05.21 15:01 wisdomperception The Six Elements Inquiring into the presupposition of 'I Am' (MN 140)
 | Once, the Buddha had a chance encounter with a young bhikkhu Pukkusāti who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha but had never met him. Mistaking the Buddha for an ordinary bhikkhu, Pukkusāti welcomed him. This led to an intriguing exchange with the Buddha sharing a teaching focusing on the nature of the six elements, the six bases of contact, and the eighteen explorations of the mind.Meditator in a tranquil landscape in an impressionist style Thus have I heard — Once, the Blessed One was wandering in the land of the Magadhans and arrived at Rājagaha; he went to where Bhaggava the potter was. Having approached, the Blessed One said to Bhaggava the potter, "If it's not inconvenient for you, Bhaggava, may we stay in your workshop for one night?" "It's not inconvenient for me, venerable sir. There is an ascetic who arrived first. If he permits it, then stay, venerable sir, as you like," Bhaggava replied. At that time, a young man named Pukkusāti, out of faith in the Blessed One, had gone forth from home into homelessness. He was the one who had arrived first at the potter's workshop. Then, the Blessed One approached where Venerable Pukkusāti was; having approached, he said to Venerable Pukkusāti, "If it's not inconvenient for you, bhikkhu, may we stay in your workshop for one night?" "The workshop is spacious, friend. Please stay, Venerable, as you like," replied Venerable Pukkusāti. Then, the Blessed One entered the potter's workshop and, after preparing a seat of grass at one side, sat down, folding his legs crosswise, setting his body erect, and establishing mindfulness in front of him. The Blessed One spent much of the night seated in meditation. Venerable Pukkusāti too spent much of the night seated in meditation. Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man conducts himself well. Perhaps I should question him." So, the Blessed One asked Venerable Pukkusāti, "For whom, bhikkhu, have you gone forth? Who is your teacher? Whose Dhamma do you profess?" "Friend, there is the ascetic Gotama, the son of the Sakyans, who went forth from the Sakyan clan. And about the Blessed One Gotama, such a splendid reputation has spread: 'Indeed, he is the Blessed One, an Arahant, a Fully Enlightened One, accomplished in knowledge and conduct, well-gone, a knower of the worlds, an unsurpassed trainer of persons to be tamed, a teacher of gods and humans, the Enlightened One, the Blessed One.' I have gone forth inspired by the Blessed One Gotama. He is my teacher, and it is his Dhamma that I profess." "And where is that Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One now residing?" the Blessed One asked. "Friend, in the northern country there is a city named Sāvatthi. There the Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One, is now residing," replied Venerable Pukkusāti. "Have you ever seen that Blessed One before, bhikkhu? Would you recognize him if you saw him?" the Blessed One inquired. "No, friend, I have not seen that Blessed One before; and I would not recognize him if I saw him," Venerable Pukkusāti replied. Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man has gone forth out of faith in me. Perhaps I should teach him the Dhamma." Then, the Blessed One addressed Venerable Pukkusāti, "I will teach you the Dhamma, bhikkhu. Listen and pay close attention; I will speak." "As you say, friend," Venerable Pukkusāti responded to the Blessed One. The Blessed One said: "This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements, six bases of contact, eighteen explorations of mind, and is established in four ways; where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, is called a sage at peace. One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself — this is the essence of the Analysis of the Elements. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' — it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The eye-contact base, the ear-contact base, the nose-contact base, the tongue-contact base, the body-contact base, the mind-contact base. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' — it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? On seeing a form with the eye, one explores a form that gives rise to pleasure, a form that gives rise to displeasure, and a form that gives rise to equanimity; on hearing a sound with the ear ... on smelling an odor with the nose ... on tasting a flavor with the tongue ... on touching a tactile object with the body ... on cognizing a mental object (arisen from a mental quality) with the mind, one explores a mental object that gives rise to pleasure, a mental object that gives rise to displeasure, and a mental object that gives rise to equanimity. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' — it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The establishment of wisdom, the establishment of truth, the establishment of relinquishment, the establishment of peace. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' — it has been said with reference to this. 'One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself'— thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The Six ElementsAnd how, bhikkhu, does one not neglect wisdom? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element.And what, bhikkhu, is the earth element? The earth element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal earth element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to, that is, hair of the head, hair of the body, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, sinews, bones, bone marrow, kidneys, heart, liver, diaphragm, spleen, lungs, intestines, mesentery, contents of the stomach, feces, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to — this is called the internal earth element. Both the internal earth element and the external earth element are simply earth elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the earth element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the earth element. And what, bhikkhu, is the water element? The water element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal water element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to, that is, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, grease, spit, snot, oil of the joints, urine, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to — this is called the internal water element. Both the internal water element and the external water element are simply water elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the water element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the water element. And what, bhikkhu, is the fire element? The fire element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal fire element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to, that is, by which one is warmed, ages, and is consumed, and by which what is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted gets fully digested, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to — this is called the internal fire element. Both the internal fire element and the external fire element are simply fire elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the fire element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the fire element. And what, bhikkhu, is the air element? The air element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal air element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to, that is, up-going winds, down-going winds, winds in the belly, winds in the bowels, winds that course through the limbs, in-breathing and out-breathing, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to — this is called the internal air element. Both the internal air element and the external air element are simply air elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the air element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the air element. And what, bhikkhu, is the space element? The space element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal space element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to, that is, the holes of the ears, the nostrils, the door of the mouth, and where whatever is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted is swallowed, where it stands, where it is stored, and where it is excreted from below, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to — this is called the internal space element. Both the internal space element and the external space element are simply space elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the space element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the space element. Then, only consciousness remains, pure and bright. And with that consciousness, what does one cognize? One cognizes 'pleasant', one cognizes 'painful', and one cognizes 'neither-painful-nor-pleasant'. The Eighteen Explorations of Mind
One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging (grasping) to that, would last for a long time. If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite consciousness (boundless awareness)... towards the sphere of nothingness (emptiness and absence)... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging to that, would last for a long time.' One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned. If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite consciousness... towards the sphere of nothingness... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned.' Thus, one does not form any volitional formations for either existence or non-existence. Not forming any volitions for either, one does not cling to anything in the world. Not clinging, one does not worry. Without worry, one personally attains Nibbāna. 'Re-birth is exhausted, the holy life has been lived, what had to be done has been done, there is no more coming to any state of being,' one understands. Whether experiencing a pleasant feeling, one understands 'it is impermanent', 'I am not involved with it', 'I do not delight in it'. Whether experiencing a painful feeling or a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one understands the same. Experiencing a pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a painful feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached. Experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.' Just as, bhikkhu, an oil lamp burns dependent on oil and a wick, and with the exhaustion of the oil and wick, it is extinguished due to lack of fuel; similarly, experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.' Established in Four Ways
"One should not neglect wisdom, should protect the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself"— thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this. Notions of 'I am'"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace" — thus indeed has it been said. What was this said on account of?"It is 'I am,' bhikkhu, that is a presumption.
"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace"— thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this. "You should remember this brief exposition of the six elements from me, bhikkhu." --------------- In this teaching, the Buddha gets mistaken for an ordinary bhikkhu by a young bhikkhu who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha. It is indicative that the Buddha conducted himself with an outward appearance indistinguishable from that of other bhikkhus that trained under him. Seeing the young bhikkhu conducting himself well, the Buddha shares with him this teaching of the six elements of earth, water, fire, wind, space and consciousness - which when practiced allows for establishing oneself in mindfulness, freed from craving and grief for the world. The Buddha further shares on the eighteen explorations of the mind through the three kinds of feelings: pleasant, painful and neither-painful-nor-pleasant born from the six sense contacts (form meeting the eye, along with arising of eye-consciousness, ... , mental object meeting the mind, along with arising of the mind-consciousness). He shares these as a way to understand the consciousness element and how it cognizes. The Buddha then describes the gradual steps from there that lead to the realization of Nibbāna, leading to being established in the four ways of wisdom, truth, relinquishment, and peace. The Buddha finally shares on the letting go of the 'I am' presumption and any subsequent presumptions that emerge from this, which form the core of what leads one to experience discontentment through worry, agitation, and dissatisfaction. Closely examining the presumption of 'I am' inherent in René Descartes's "Cogito, ergo sum" ("I think, therefore I am"), which has underpinned modern philosophy, scientific and rational investigations, individualism, literature and pop culture, psychology, and technology (including debates on machine consciousness), reveals how deeply the world we find ourselves in today is influenced by this concept. Realizing the truth of "I am" then individually opens up new possibilities and frontiers to be explored across all of these domains. Related Teachings:
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2024.05.21 15:01 John_Swift1 Organization - SHRM Topic
Quite a big chapter, but I feel like the crux of it revolves around organizational structures and development
Different Types of Organizational Structures
Organizational structures define the hierarchy in an organization, and determine the way information flows within it.
Functional: Traditional structure, includes divisions based upon specialty. Forms the well-known hierarchy of senior management, marketing, finance, human resources, and operations.
Centralized Structure Specialist staff, standardization, greater economies of scale. Lacks variety and job enrichment, greater bureaucracy Each specialist group answers to top management. Since each team works in silos, management is expected to guide all departments into one unit. Divisional: This structure groups individuals based on the products or projects they are undertaking. At the top is the CEO, and after them is a hybrid of functional grouping: public relations, legal, finance, global research, business development, and human resources
Decentralized Structure Senior management time freed up, motivation through greater decision powers Lack of specialization, extra processing This style blends the expertise of many different skill sets. Matrix: Combination of the functional and divisional structures. Companies are divided into departments of specialization, and then within those units, they are separated further
Organizational Development:
This is the process used to enhance the effectiveness of an organization and the well-being of its members through planned interventions
OD initiatives occur on both a large and small scale Goals are to improve: Productivity (effectiveness and efficiency) Employee satisfaction with the quality of their work life The organization’s ability to revitalize and develop itself over time. Organizational processes and outputs Organizational Development “Change Management” Initiatives
Focus on changing the entire system Link to the organization’s strategic plan Use applied behavioral science Help organizations solve their own problems Important: The whole system must change, not just a few components of the system OD Interventions:
OD interventions are appropriate when an organization:
Experiences a merger or acquisition that introduces a culture that is not compatible. Experiences low trust, high turnover, or high stress Lacks the ability to manage conflict. OD Intervention process:
Diagnose the environment Develop an action plan Evaluate the results HR Roles: Change agent, evaluator Sensitivity Training is a form of training with the goal of making people more aware of their own goals as well as their prejudices, and more sensitive to others and to the dynamics of group interaction.
Has been criticized for the emotional stress it creates for some participants. Quality management requires employees to rethink what they do and become more involved in workplace decisions.
Organizational citizenship is discretionary behavior that is not part of an employee’s formal job requirements, but that promotes the effective functioning of the organization.
The Delphi Method:
The Delphi Method is a qualitative forecasting method. It is a structured way of getting a group to examine an issue. Example below:
submitted by John_Swift1 to HumanResourcesExam [link] [comments]
Different Types of Organizational Structures
Organizational structures define the hierarchy in an organization, and determine the way information flows within it.
Functional: Traditional structure, includes divisions based upon specialty. Forms the well-known hierarchy of senior management, marketing, finance, human resources, and operations.
Centralized Structure Specialist staff, standardization, greater economies of scale. Lacks variety and job enrichment, greater bureaucracy Each specialist group answers to top management. Since each team works in silos, management is expected to guide all departments into one unit. Divisional: This structure groups individuals based on the products or projects they are undertaking. At the top is the CEO, and after them is a hybrid of functional grouping: public relations, legal, finance, global research, business development, and human resources
Decentralized Structure Senior management time freed up, motivation through greater decision powers Lack of specialization, extra processing This style blends the expertise of many different skill sets. Matrix: Combination of the functional and divisional structures. Companies are divided into departments of specialization, and then within those units, they are separated further
Organizational Development:
This is the process used to enhance the effectiveness of an organization and the well-being of its members through planned interventions
OD initiatives occur on both a large and small scale Goals are to improve: Productivity (effectiveness and efficiency) Employee satisfaction with the quality of their work life The organization’s ability to revitalize and develop itself over time. Organizational processes and outputs Organizational Development “Change Management” Initiatives
Focus on changing the entire system Link to the organization’s strategic plan Use applied behavioral science Help organizations solve their own problems Important: The whole system must change, not just a few components of the system OD Interventions:
OD interventions are appropriate when an organization:
Experiences a merger or acquisition that introduces a culture that is not compatible. Experiences low trust, high turnover, or high stress Lacks the ability to manage conflict. OD Intervention process:
Diagnose the environment Develop an action plan Evaluate the results HR Roles: Change agent, evaluator Sensitivity Training is a form of training with the goal of making people more aware of their own goals as well as their prejudices, and more sensitive to others and to the dynamics of group interaction.
Has been criticized for the emotional stress it creates for some participants. Quality management requires employees to rethink what they do and become more involved in workplace decisions.
Organizational citizenship is discretionary behavior that is not part of an employee’s formal job requirements, but that promotes the effective functioning of the organization.
The Delphi Method:
The Delphi Method is a qualitative forecasting method. It is a structured way of getting a group to examine an issue. Example below:
- Group of 4 people tasked with forecasting next quarter sales, each asked to come up with own reasoning in a report
- Moderator collects the 4 reports, removes the names and gives them back to the group to discuss.
- Now the group has 4 “anonymous” viewpoints they can consider. This eliminates any personal bias they might have towards other members, and focuses on the reports themselves.
- Steps 1–3 are repeated until the group can come to a consensus.
2024.05.21 15:01 aznpersuazion Is Software Engineering a Good Job in 2023?
To preface this post, I want to give the disclaimer that like many things, there is not a black and white answer the question. I'm writing this as an experienced tech professional, and the information provided is based on opinion.
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
**If you found any of this helpful, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
submitted by aznpersuazion to dataengineeringstuff [link] [comments]
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
**If you found any of this helpful, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
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2024.05.21 15:01 dandelionburdock444 [NC]Should I be honest on manager feedback ?
Be honest or decline
I have been asked to give “anonymous “ feedback about my boss . I don’t have anything nice to say . The main issue is she will call several times a day keeping me on the phone for anywhere for 45 minutes to two hours. It is often her repeating herself and going off on tangents about her personal life . She schedules meetings and they always go over the allotted time. It makes it difficult to complete work or try and plan your day . Is this something to put in the feedback or will this just make my life worse ? There is an option to decline to answer. There is a lot of turn over on this team and it’s obvious to me why . I don’t know why management allows it to go on . I’m worried another retaliation until I find a new job .
submitted by dandelionburdock444 to AskHR [link] [comments]
I have been asked to give “anonymous “ feedback about my boss . I don’t have anything nice to say . The main issue is she will call several times a day keeping me on the phone for anywhere for 45 minutes to two hours. It is often her repeating herself and going off on tangents about her personal life . She schedules meetings and they always go over the allotted time. It makes it difficult to complete work or try and plan your day . Is this something to put in the feedback or will this just make my life worse ? There is an option to decline to answer. There is a lot of turn over on this team and it’s obvious to me why . I don’t know why management allows it to go on . I’m worried another retaliation until I find a new job .
2024.05.21 15:00 Mojo-Filter-230 Trump lackey blew it.
 | submitted by Mojo-Filter-230 to politicus [link] [comments] |
2024.05.21 15:00 AblazeOwl26 Internationals CS students working in the US after graduating
I know it is much harder for internationals than Canadians to get job in the US after studying CS, with the H1B system and what not.
I was wondering if there are any previous international CS students who could share how possible this is to achieve. Will US employers sponsor you for a H1B even though you don't have the OPT studying at a US university would give you, or is it so prohibitively difficult for an international CS student at Waterloo to be able to work in the US after graduation that studying at a somewhat less well known American university is better to get OPT.
PS: are there any statistics for how many international CS students do work in the US post grad? I found a statistic for the CS program in general but not for internationals specifically
submitted by AblazeOwl26 to uwaterloo [link] [comments]
I was wondering if there are any previous international CS students who could share how possible this is to achieve. Will US employers sponsor you for a H1B even though you don't have the OPT studying at a US university would give you, or is it so prohibitively difficult for an international CS student at Waterloo to be able to work in the US after graduation that studying at a somewhat less well known American university is better to get OPT.
PS: are there any statistics for how many international CS students do work in the US post grad? I found a statistic for the CS program in general but not for internationals specifically
2024.05.21 14:59 BlueParrot_ Gin's mom
So yeah, I wanted to discuss the theories based on the evidence we have so far.
Sightings of Gin's mom:
Gin's sketch of his mom in the doctor's office.
Nankidai's sketch of Gin and his mom.
Based on those two images we can conclude that Gin's mom has shoulder-length black hair. She's over 30 (Gin is 12 and she likely got pregnant with him when she was over 18 years of age), she works and she's been married to Gin's stepfather for 10 years (source: Gin's words).
...So it can't be Miley. Miley's appearance doesn't match the drawings and her personal life is very different as well. Asunaro files state that Miley was hoping to marry the man at her last workplace 3 years prior to the death game.
In terms of appearance Megumi is a closer match. However, Megumi used to go drinking with Keiji after work (less than 10 years before the game) and got jealous when he flirted with other women, which suggests that she was likely not married at the time. Also, Gin wished for his mom to live a long and healthy life. And even if Megumi somehow managed to survive the chain execution, she certainly wouldn't be healthy at present.
There's also the unnamed Woman from Anzu's episode. She has dark brown hair and a characteristic bun, which Gin's mom also sports. It would be funny if she turned out to be Gin's mom, while Ryuu is the good-for-nothing alcoholic stepfather. But I think these two are way more likely to be pink Hinako's parents.
I think it is most likely that Gin's mom is an unnamed Asunaro employee. The fact that she's "watching over her son" seems to indicate that she's a part of the organization, but she's just not among the women we've encountered so far.
Who do you think is Gin's mom? :)
submitted by BlueParrot_ to yourturntodie [link] [comments]
Sightings of Gin's mom:
Gin's sketch of his mom in the doctor's office.
Nankidai's sketch of Gin and his mom.
Based on those two images we can conclude that Gin's mom has shoulder-length black hair. She's over 30 (Gin is 12 and she likely got pregnant with him when she was over 18 years of age), she works and she's been married to Gin's stepfather for 10 years (source: Gin's words).
...So it can't be Miley. Miley's appearance doesn't match the drawings and her personal life is very different as well. Asunaro files state that Miley was hoping to marry the man at her last workplace 3 years prior to the death game.
In terms of appearance Megumi is a closer match. However, Megumi used to go drinking with Keiji after work (less than 10 years before the game) and got jealous when he flirted with other women, which suggests that she was likely not married at the time. Also, Gin wished for his mom to live a long and healthy life. And even if Megumi somehow managed to survive the chain execution, she certainly wouldn't be healthy at present.
There's also the unnamed Woman from Anzu's episode. She has dark brown hair and a characteristic bun, which Gin's mom also sports. It would be funny if she turned out to be Gin's mom, while Ryuu is the good-for-nothing alcoholic stepfather. But I think these two are way more likely to be pink Hinako's parents.
I think it is most likely that Gin's mom is an unnamed Asunaro employee. The fact that she's "watching over her son" seems to indicate that she's a part of the organization, but she's just not among the women we've encountered so far.
Who do you think is Gin's mom? :)