I'll start off by saying I don't want to sit here and write a post of another failed set of parents, but, alas, I have nobody else I can speak to about this that would really understand. I've found therapists do be rather unhelpful and I truly have trust issues with people. I've kept a lot of this inside for my life and at this point I think I just need to somehow let it out instead of punching holes in walls or screaming in anger randomly. Maybe writing it here would help me sleep a full night or be a little happier in life?
Either way, I would genuinely appreciate hearing your take on this for those who have experienced a similar past. I'm not looking for sympathy, but a possible path that I can take in getting rid of this hate I have inside of me for good.
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By the age of 13 I had already been living with different friends for months and months with no idea where or what my mother was doing. I went to school but only when I wanted to, otherwise I would wander around and skateboard on the streets until it was time to go 'home'. She would randomly show up in her beat up 80s Honda accord with everything she owned in the backseat to see me once in a BLUE moon. Never once did she speak with my friends parents or caretakers about me, just assumed I would worm my way into another family and their life and become another mouth to feed with no explanation. As a kid you don't really see it from an adults perspective, but as an adult you know there's a failed adult behind this child in your home.
I knew the situation wasn't ideal, but I was living with my best friend at the time for a while as a kid. Every night was video games with your best bud, how bad can life be?
My mother was 17 when she had me, and 16 when she had my brother both with the same guy. I never knew my brother, he was given away because either she was too young or she didn't want him. I spoke with him a few times on social media, but nothing more. I don't use any social media so any contact I did have is gone. He didn't know I existed until I had reached out and has never spoken with our blood parents.
Super mommy did it all. Drank whatever and whenever she could, frequently used drugs (even sold them to my friends who were in middle school for a couple of bucks), fist fought anyone that upset her (including men and myself at a certain age) and was always the victim in these scenarios. She hadn't been this way for as long as I knew her, but majority of the time it was. She had a temper like no other and felt like it was "her" superpower. When it reality it's just a weakness that everyone gets to experience firsthand, either verbally or physically depending on the day. "You can fuck with mean, but you can't fuck with crazy!" she'd say, moments before road raging with a stranger at midnight in the middle of nowhere.
When my 'step' father (the man who raised me most of my life and I love with everything I have) had heard of my situation living abroad, he didn't hesitate to pick me up and take me to a better place in an entirely different part of the country. He and my mother didn't see eye to eye on much after I was about 4 years old, but he always stuck around in the same town we lived in to be around me. Eventually he went back to his hometown when she severed communication between he and I. Only through the grapevine did he hear about me and what I was doing. A few days later he had driven across the US day and night to pick me up, give that family money, thanked them and took me away.
The last time I spoke with my mother was when she took me out for some new shoes for my 14th birthday making promises left and right, while again sitting in her car with everything she had in the backseat. It was just another day with this human who couldn't help but do drugs and lie to me. I already knew I wouldn't be here in a few days and when she came back to see me, I was gone.
I lived in this new home and it actually felt like one with my Dad (step dad but he was my DAD). A few years of having a HOME was surreal and I think I took it for granted, because that too came to an end. I was just starting college and that's when parent #2 came into my life.
Meet Bio-dad! He was once only a few blurry pictures from many years past and tales from my shaman mother. Naturally I was always curious about him, and one day we were in contact with one another. Somehow he managed to find me, even though he had been paying child support for most of my life. He flew out to meet me, and a few months later I somehow decided moving across the country to live with him was a swell idea.
I thought this might have been it, finally, the blood I thought I always wanted in my life. But just a few months in I realized he was no better than her. He was successful and worked hard, but that doesn't mean he's a good person let alone a father. I never called him Dad or Father purely because I was a young adult now and didn't need another figure like that in my life, let alone from someone I barely knew. He was on marriage 2 or 3 with step kids and I just felt like I was 13 years old again in another strange house. I was told he spent a long time trying to find me when he was paying child support but was never able to. I believed him at first, and sometime later many divorced fathers told me that probably isn't be true.
It felt like he was constantly angry or upset at something. His wife, the kids, the dogs, the pool, whatever he was annoyed with everyone else was obligated to agree or veer away. He often found ways to make himself out to be the hardest worker and nothing matters but how many hours you clock in your worksheet. He "wished he could work 40 hours a week". After a few months of everyone arguing, yelling and finger pointing over little nothings each day, I decided I didn't need this kind of stress in my life and left to live in my small truck for a few weeks until I found a room to rent on my own and start my adult life.
Over the years he's tried to stay in contact with me but I never really gave much back to him if at all. I have no interest in knowing him, but his insistent attempts to contact me with 'family is important' yada yada makes my blood boil. I have no blood family as far as I care to know. I'm on the latter half of this life and I simply don't see the point in trying to establish these relationships because we have the same grandparents or blood. Why would I EVER try to put myself into that situation again? For family? Something I really don't value or care about?
The last couple of years I went from never thinking about these humans to frequently finding myself shaking from anger and distracted in life from what I want to actually do and accomplish. I feel like I'm stuck on this chapter and I really, really need to move on from it. I thought just ignoring it would work, but alas as time goes on I get random phone calls and texts from people I used to know trying to get in contact with me. I know who they are, and I know who they're speaking for, but I don't ever give them the satisfaction of even responding.
So here I am, wondering what I should do. Do I call both of them (keep in mind I don't think they've spoken since the early 90s) and let each person individually know that I'd rather watch them suffer in life than to spend time with them? I don't even want them to know where I am, what I'm doing or what I sound like. Do I write them an email, pray they know what that even is and hope they understand I don't care for them?
I considered getting hypnotized so I can fully forget them. As ridiculous as that sounds I often wonder if I could completely remove them from my memory, would I be a better person? Would I finally feel this tension in my chest leave? Would I stop screaming internally when I'm alone out of anger towards them?
At this point in my life I just want to be happy with what I have and leave them in an old time capsule never to be opened again. As I get older the more I understand that childhood tremendously dictates who we are, and I'm learning that I don't really like who I am in some aspects, and I blame them for that. Whatever good and success I have in life is because of my 'step' Dad and how he raised me the best he could.
I don't know that I could be calm or mature enough to clearly state how I feel without emotions coming into the mix. Every time I imagine talking to them it quickly turns into a rage that takes a while to let go of.
If you read my rant, thank you. If you didn't, I don't blame you one bit.
tl;dr I need to completely remove my parents from my life so I can move on, and I'm not sure how to go about it.
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I am so frustrated, depressed, and miserable. I know you all can relate to this. I need some help to figure out what to do. I have been battling WC for 4 1/2 years. They gave me a fusion L4-S1 that helped my low back so much. However, I need help with the pain that is in my upper back. That has been the worst severe pain for the last 15 years, and WC would not authorize any treatment. They just gave me the smallest amount of Hydrocodone,10mg-45 per month, and some cyclobenzaprine, but would not allow any actual treatment. I have DDD, severe arthritis, multiple level pinched nerves. I was so tired of fighting with them, I just told my lawyer to settle. I just wanted out. I wasn't trying to get rich, I just wanted to get better. The meds were not enough to control my pain and I started really using alcohol to escape the hell. I'm on permanent SSDI, I lost my career, my family is suffering, I'm depressed, angry, sad all the time. I ended up going to residential treatment because I was such a mess, was considering divorce, my 15 yo daughter is also suffering from anxiety and depression. I just wasn't able to make life decisions in this state. So I tried to do the right thing and try and get sober and get my life back on track....thing is when I had a flare up I couldn't take it. I was crying in bed most of the time. I tried to be honest with my PM and beg for treatment because the pills weren't working. Well his surgery center is 2 hour drive from my house so I asked to be referred to a local PM that I have seen in the past. This has taken 8 months of calls and apps and bullshit run around with not being able to get meds or treatment. So I have been drinking. The new PM refused to see me I'm pretty sure because I told my old doc out of desperate need for stronger meds and he told me he wouldn't prescribe them again unless a psychiatrist okay it. I have been in therapy this whole time, but not with a psychiatrist. I have just started seeing a psychiatrist via zoom. I lied about having no problem with alcohol. I'm so scared to tell the truth and be cut off forever.
I'm seeing the orthopedic surgeon today. I need my neck fused c4-c7. I will ask him about meds, but the last ortho I saw a couple weeks ago, said he doesn't want me taking opiates before the surgery bc it will be too hard to control my pain during and after surgery. He isn't in my network so I had to schedule with a Dr who is.
I have been getting meds from someone I trust they are legit, but it's costly. Bigger problem is they aren't freaking strong enough to manage my pain, so I drink to get at least a few hours of relief in the evening.
I'm so tired of living this miserable life and I'm so ashamed that I am drinking and getting meds under the table. I know it's not safe, not healthy, and just wrong.
I'm just so tired of being in pain allllll the time. I can't live like this. I need help. I'm praying that the dr today will help me. I'm going to try my best to leave the wine at the store and just suffer so I can give a UA that isn't positive for alcohol. If they are aware that you have had trouble would they ever do a hair test? Should I just be honest with the psychiatrist? I'm just at a loss......I feel like the biggest POS. I feel weak, guilty and so ashamed.
I'm not seeking drugs to get high. I'm trying to maintain some quality of life until I can get the surgery I need. I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted from this whole thing.

tl;dr - my relationship was the only good thing in my life, it just suddenly ended, and I have no social or clinical support system to lean on. Having a bit of a crisis. I hate listing acronyms, but for the sake of context: OCD, ADHD II, ASD, CPTSD.
Yesterday, my partner and I suddenly broke up. This morning we said our final goodbyes over the phone. I'm not exaggerating by saying our relationship was the only good thing in my life, and our future together was the only thing I had to look forward to... Since our relationship began, my ESA has been diagnosed with cancer and chronic lameness, my parents began a nasty divorce which completely destabilized both myself and our household in general (I reluctantly began living with them recently as I'm disabled and really didn't have a choice after my own divorce), I drifted far away from my best and only friend during this period of time (they are not in a life-place where we could reconnect or they could be there for me), I developed a recurring tear in an arm tendon, I don't have any other close family, and the one person I do have (my mom) has caused me a litany of trauma and is generally a strong negative presence in my life. My car is also falling apart... I feel like I'm living in the most contrived, depressing country song of all time right now. If someone else told me they had this many problems simultaneously, I probably wouldn't believe them.
So back to my partneex... They were the first and only person in my life who I felt actually understood me. And I believe they felt/feel the same toward me. Their life had also begun a downward spiral since shortly after our relationship began. We both fell into an intense series of personal misfortunes, which were unrelated to one another. We would always talk about how if we weren't there for each other during these times, there'd be no one in our lives to support us the way we need(ed). We came together right before all of these bad things happened, and celebrated what an unexpected lifeline we'd been thrown in the form of one another. At the same time, those stressors were forming cracks in us and in our relationship... Horrible poetic irony... I've been reduced to basic low-functioning survival mode, unable to completely fulfill all of my partner roles that need to be, while they've become less and less of themselves; which I believe was more or less the deepest fracture. We communicated openly and honestly as we'd always done, and the bottom line for me was that I'm doing my best and it's not enough, and their negative experiences over the course of our relationship catalyzed an incompatible change in them for the sake of their mental preservation... That there wasn't room in that space to support or consider my needs in the way they need to be, nor overlook my inability to meet theirs currently. Obviously there's an additional ocean of nuance and detail, but I think that's enough of a painted picture. Basically, no one's at fault.
At this moment, my mind is frantically attempting to figure out where to go when I have no support system. There's no one to call, nowhere to go, etc... I have a therapist and a psych, but they have little expertise in intense neurodivergence, and I know that what I need is guidance from someone who knows how to handle someone like me specifically, that actually understands what my brain is doing. I've even considered extreme measures like going to the ER and attempting to access expedited psychiatric inpatient treatment, but I don't really think that's the answer, and it also opens up a whole other pandora's box of complications... I'm totally lost and directionless. No friends, no family, a dying ESA... And I can't stop crying. Haven't eaten in a couple days at least. Face hurts so much from bawling. Outside of this relationship suddenly imploding, I have a toxic single parent, a dying car, a dying dog, endless responsibilities, and rescue meds that keep me sedated and confused in-between crying. I'm in my mid 30's and never felt so helpless, worthless, and alone.

So as the title says I'm i. A miserable marriage. The problem is I have zero options so we are stuck. We've been together for 12 years. Married for 8. I dont know how we've made it this far. A lottttt of accepting it because its never going to change . I can't accept it anymore. Weve had the same fight for probably 7 years. . Helping around the house. He thinks because he works 8 hours that's enough and I should be able to handle our 5 children 3 dogs and 2000 sq ft house on my own. I've stayed home with this last babg due to health problems that I'm getting surgery for in 2 days. So up until my 8th month of pregnancy I was working our entire relationship. So this has been an issue since then. But he recently switched careers from construction to hospitality management of a large gas station /convenience store . Hes making great money. His construction job was morning's. This is 4pm-1am. So he gets home at by 130am. And instead of relaxing and trying to go to sleep he says up until 3-4am. Then proceeds to sleep until 1p... wakes up very very slowly. Comes out and sits in the living room . Than goes to the bathroom for a half hour. OK so by then we are already at 2pm. Then comes back out and relaxes more before he goes to work. Then gets a shower and leaves by 330.pm Allllllll the while I'm putting kids on the bus, cleaning, taking kids to appointments, taking care of the animals. Extra. All while he gets his beauty sleep.
I know he has a problem. And has for years. I used to not let it bother me until the past probably 10 months..when we do have set which is very very rare like once every 2 months , he doesn't cut. Hes never ever ever had an issue with that. I mean clearly we have 5 children. Njt I said im not good enough for you. Thats what it is your mind is over stimulated with watching porn that what we do isn't satisfying him mentally and emotionally. Clearly now physically. And it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I've tried initiating sex and cjdde time so many times I've given up I used to stay up for him when he'd get home for like an house to spend time together where he's actually awake. Ice asked him so come to bed with .e at like 2-230. He says I'm not tired. I said I know just lay with me until I go to sleep. Or cuddle or talk because I miss that. He said no im not tired. I said you can come back out here afterwards. And he just continues to sit in the chair watching TV and eating.
Hes gained like 30 lbs I've become unattractive to him. Just being honest. But also if he tried to make me happy in any way shape or form maybe I'd feel more fire to keep pursuing him. But I'm not being fulfilled in any way what so ever so I feel like I've given up . Most of the time we are in the car in silence. I've asked him to wake up earlier to have breakfast with me . Either go out or make it at home. He won't get up. I've asked for help with home projects. He won't get up for that. I've asked for help folding laundry since he's sitting anyway..he won't. When I push for help it gets him so frustrated and defensive that he snaps and tells me why should he do anything when I don't. Which is clearly a lie. He said you're home all day so you can do it. I said I do what are you talking about?! Its not spotless but I maintain during the day doing big cleaning projects in every room ill spend 3-6 hours cleaning one room. Than the next day do the others and so on. I do all the grocery shopping and cooking. Which ok again im home so I can do all of that. But seriously I'm overwhelmed. I'm getting major surgery in two days and I finally saud yesterday. You know I'm done being angry when you don't do things to help me with the house and kids or even being present. What's said is im more disappointed than anything and that's really ashamed because I expect better out of you because I know you can do better. I said im sick of being let down. Im sick of being alone. Im sick of cleaning up after everyone Including him because he goes to bed and leaves plates cups wrappers truly everything so I wake up and usually take care of it. So I stopped numerous times. Including lately to see if it bothers him enough to do anything. But it doesnt doesn't. I didnt speak to him for 3 solid days. And it didnt bother him , he didn't even try to reach out to me. I feel like the marriage is unrepairable but with me staying home I've become dependent which I absolutely hate. But I'm stuck. I can't leave because I can't afford an apartment or house. If I stay here and he leaves he wouldn't be able to afford to help with the kids nor would he ever see them. I've even asked him to put them on the bus for me to sleep some and also him spend time with his kids. And I wake up to him yelling at them and I flip out of him because I refuse to allow my 12,7,5 year old girls wake up to being yelled at and sending them off to school after being yelled at all because he has no patience.
I don't know what to do. I'd never cheat on him but I understand why people do. Im so freaking lonely I can't take it. I've had my tunes removed so no more babies. Our final one is an absolute joy always happy just goes with the flow. So it's not the added stress of a baby. Sbe just turned a year old. And since than we've had six 6 times. I have physical needs, emotional and mental needs and none of it is being met. Hes being a bad example to the kids of not only a husband and father but just responsibilities. He screams at them for their shoes being left out in the middle of the floor but he does the exact same thing to where he's telling them to put his away also. Like really?! He won't do counseling. I've tried. I've threatened divorce and I get told I'm being dramatic and am I taking my mental health meds because I'm acting crazy. I'm truly not though. I'm just depleated and defeated. And feeling stuck. I literally get messages from old friends who see pictures of my face and see my post on fb not including him or really any happiness and it actually makes them feel bad for me.. they say I'm too good for this, that i deserve better that they would treat me so good and have actually asked me out on dates just to feel excitement again. And I've been so tempted but I would feel so guilty.
Please someone help me with some advice. I know there's many couples who have gone through this. I need guidance. I have no family support other than oh im sorry you're dealing with this . No where to go with 5 kids.
Tl;dr Husband won't do anything to be helpful at home or with the kids. Says be works his 8 hours and that's enough . Won't do anything but leave me more of a mess to clean causing me more stress. Taking care of the house and kids completely by myself. His mom comes over to help me some times and she's o frustrated seeing him be like this towards me. Shes tried to talk to him with no result. I dont want to give up on my family. I dont know what else to do, serious talks don't work

My boyfriend (M20) and I (M20) have been dating for five years. We met in high school and have always been involved in each other’s family events. When I first met his parents, they seemed like the ideal mother and father: affectionate, caring, and not overly restrictive. I was 16 at the time and didn’t notice any issues beneath the surface.
In February 2023, my boyfriend's mother, Emma (F47), started sleeping outside her bedroom. His father, John (M48), told me she was just tired and needed comfort. I was confused and noticed she sounded like she was crying. A week later, John left the country on business, and Emma sat my boyfriend and me down to explain what was happening. She discovered that John had been cheating overseas. He had been a serial cheater, and his mistress was his business partner, whom Emma had known about for years. On a recent trip overseas, John had separated from Emma to meet his mistress for another holiday. Emma was so devastated that she cheated back but didn’t reveal with whom. I was shocked and offered her emotional support, even though I didn’t have any advice to give.
Since then, I haven’t been able to see John the same way.
Fast forward to April 2024, another family intervention took place. Emma said she considers me part of the family and wanted me to know she is now dating someone and plans to divorce John. To my shock, she revealed she is dating Paul (M25), my boyfriend’s friend. My boyfriend and Paul met through a sports club, and Paul had been to our home for dinner a few times. Paul had pursued Emma multiple times during his friendship with my boyfriend. While the age gap (22 years) doesn’t bother me, Emma dating my boyfriend’s friend feels selfish. Emma and Paul started dating in November 2023 and kept it a secret for six months. During this time, Emma’s parents passed away, and she had to travel back and forth to her home country to be with her family. I understand Emma is struggling with confidence and support right now, but her actions have severe repercussions. My boyfriend is visibly affected—he’s losing interest in his favorite sport, started smoking, and even mentioned breaking up with me because he feels unable to be mentally present in our relationship. I realize this might be selfish of me to highlight, but I prioritize my boyfriend's emotions throughout all of this. John is a good father but a terrible husband. He cheats, is physically and emotionally abusive, and has promised Emma for eight years that he would settle down with her. Emma isn’t seeking any divorce money; she just wants to move on. The problem is, Emma and my boyfriend still live together, and Paul is constantly there when John is not. Paul uses John’s house slippers, pretends to be my boyfriend to use his healthcare card, and uses the apartment gym. It feels wrong for me to witness all of this. Emma confides in me like I’m her daughter, but I’ve told her I can’t condone her actions. It doesn’t align with my values, and I can’t keep lying to my boyfriend’s parents. I empathize with Emma, but her coping methods are wrong. My boyfriend tries to be a good son and says it doesn’t bother him because his mother is her own person. However, his reaction to the situation is clearly affecting him negatively.
I love my boyfriend and hate that he’s going through this. What can I do to support him emotionally?
**TL;DR**: My boyfriend (M20) of five years is stuck keeping his parents' infidelity secrets. His father (M48) cheated with a coworker, and his mother (M47) is now dating his friend (M25). How can I support my boyfriend emotionally?

My boyfriend (27M) and I (27F) have been together for about 3 years. I love him a lot, and our relationship is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, hands down. But while I still feel like there are things to sort out, he has expressed many times that he knows he wants to marry me and have kids with me, etc. For some reason, that is making me feel crazy—how can he be so sure while I am not?
Background on long distance: Currently, I live in Los Angeles and he lives in Miami. I just moved to L.A. in December, because I have always wanted to live there, I have a good amount of friends there from school and summer camp, and I feel like right now I’m not tied down with home owning or kids or taking care of my parents, etc. so now is a good time to try a new city, try new adventures. (my two bests girl friends also agreed to move to L.A. with me, so even more reason!). He doesn’t really understand that mindset and hasn’t have the urge to try a new city, so while I would’ve been happy if he came with me, I was very transparent that I didn’t want him to come JUST for me, I wanted him to want to come a little for himself—and since no part of him wanted to come, he stayed. I have loved it so far, and although he obviously wishes we were together, he is mostly supportive. I’ve done long distance before, so I wasn’t worried about it going into it. Actually, at first, he said he didn’t want to do long distance at all, and we were planning to break up, but he changed his mind and honestly it hasn’t been bad. I’ve been busy with work and he’s writing a book, so it’s given us both time to focus on our other duties in life. Sometimes he will make comments like, “well we could do that together…if you were here” but I understand he’s just trying to cope. I have a lot of friends and at times he does seem to get jealous of me spending time with them or if I mention I met a new acquaintance that is a man, but I would NEVER cheat on him as he has a history of being cheated on, and that’s simply just not something I have an urge to do. I love him very much. Also, EDIT: The plan is for me to live in L.A. for a year, and see if I like it. If I love it, he would move here with me (if that were to happen, I would want to be at the point of certainty that I wanted to marry him). If I don't like it enough, I will move back to Miami--which I think he is counting on.
Family background: He has a pretty nuclear family; mom, dad, two brothers and a sister. They all get a long and while his whole family is pretty loud, and they sometimes fight, it’s never really been a question on if his parents would stay together or not. The one thing that does bother me is that his mother does take on the stereotypical “nagging” wife/mom role, the butt of a lot of jokes…which is kind of my nightmare. On the other hand, my parents divorced when I was 3 because my mom cheated, and my mom moved away to Montana. I don’t have a great relationship with my mom, but I have done a lot of therapy and worked through a lot of the trauma that came with their separation/ her abandonment. Proud to be doing well, and proud of how much work I’ve put in to get here. I think because of this, I’m obviously more risk averse when it comes to marriage—though I do know that I want to be married and I do want kids, I obviously think it’s a big decision and for my future kids (and myself! And my partner!) it’s not something I take lightly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from cynical about marriage. I just want it to be a thoughtful decision. I naturally worry about losing my independence but think with the right person, it can be a beautiful partnership.
He wants to be married soon, and wants kids sooner rather than later. He’s kind of expressed that he feels like his current life is on hold until he is married and has kids—that life before that is not “real” life. And he says he knows that I’m 100% the person he wants to do it with. I think he COULD be that person, but I feel like there are some deep talks we still need to have. Anytime I ask him what he thinks our life would look like in 5 years, location-wise or financially or even just how we spend our free time, he just says “I don’t know, we will figure it out.” It feels like he thinks everything will just spell itself out for us once we get married…but I would like to know at least some of the direction of the path that I am signing up for. He is not an overly ambitious person career wise, and I’m more of an overall planner and more career oriented, so I feel like I will end of making a lot of the big decisions on my own and will will be the bigger breadwinner, which is fine…but it doesn’t feel like the equal partnership I’ve always dreamed of. I know not every bucket of life (finances, childcare, housework, etc.) can be split 50/50, but I think the splits should be distributed enough that one person doesn’t carry too much. Which IMO, which is what led to my parents divorce. And with a single father raising me, I had to be very independent and take care of a lot of things myself. And I’m good at it. But after 2.5 decades of it, I am tired. I want a partner who I can fall back on and who can take care of me sometimes. My BF is great at doing this in the short term, but I fear his rose colored glasses about marriage are clouding his ability to be able to really understand the practicalities/realities/challenges of building a life together. I’m worried it’s been a good fit for where we were in our lives in our mid twenties, with the same circle of friends, but maybe incompatible for the long run. Also, our politics are kind of different, so that’s fun. But something I think I can work with.
But I love him so much :( he is funny and loving and I enjoy the little bubble of life we’ve created thus far. I think he would be a great dad. He makes me feel beautiful, and of course it is nice to hear that someone is so sure about you. But the imbalance in our “sureness” is making me feel like a total asshole. Maybe it would be dumb to throw away this great person…maybe I am letting my childhood get in the way.
As I’ve said, I’ve done a lot of therapy so I am usually pretty good about processing my emotions…but this really has me spiraling lol. And I have talked to my therapist about this too, don’t worry. Just curious about Reddit opinions!!! Should I stick it out—and if so, what could I do, to try to get clarity and be more (or less…) sure.
TL;DR - My boyfriend (27M) says he’s 100% sure about marrying me (27F) and I don’t understand how he could be so sure and it’s making me less sure, I feel like there is still a lot to figure out. What can I do to get clarity?

No I do not want a divorce, I am genuinely looking for advice to improve the relationship which also involves working on myself as well.
We just seem very different now that we actually live together. It just a lot of little thing from what a "man" (me) should be doing and what women "her" does not need to do. I do not believe or care of gender roles. Meaning I will cook and clean (which I do all of) but then someone else needs to take out trash and mow the lawn etc.
It starts in the morning. Every single day when she wakes up I am usually getting back in from a morning run so my mood is pretty great. I am often bombard with complaints; where my mug, where is my work bag, this weather suck (daily), work starts to early etc. The neighbors are noisy, you need to talk to them and more of that. Ive learned to put that aside but hate to start my day like that.
Going to works has become my peace and quiet ( i have a very crazy job with people but I rather be there sometimes).
I come home it is up to me to figure out dinner. Even though we work almost exactly the same hours...off by a 0-15 minutes depending on traffic.
Then the house is what i call literally a pigsty. Clothes everywhere, dishes in the sink "her" box from when moved 10 months ago still laying in the living room bc she needs to be the one to sort it according to her. I ask her nicely and say can "we" organize of this and I get a lot of how tired she is and how many hours she works, and only people who work part-time have the time to clean. (again we work the same full-time hours. I sometimes work off the clock after work too) So then I do the cleaning bc I cant take the mess. Then this goes back to the opening where she wakes up asking where her stuff is? ( i put clothes in closets and hampers, dishes in sink, bags in closets, shoes on a shoe rack, nothing is in a weird place).
I love my wife when we are not dealing with any life stressors and just relaxing but man I "feel" like i do everything and then get scrutinized for asking for any help or wanting any alone time. She tells me my expectations are too high. I am not exaggerating when her clothes is on everything: sofar: floor: chairs, Table, bathroom sink, toilet, multiple t rash bags in the bathroom et. Then when I do it and find ways to destress like going to the gym or out i.e I say I.e. next week I want to grab a bite with Joe and Bob, I get hit with you are married and shouldn't be leaving my wife a lone etc. I usually see my friends once every few months, for a dinner aka a bite. its just the guys and none of us drink.
I've tried saying I need help, or can we do this or that. She got in the habit of losing her stuff and using mine! like my deodorant etc and I asked her to put it back after use and the says I am being mean.
Already twice in big arguments I did ask for couples counseling but then later its dismissed.
I do like to do a lot and can enable. Also maybe I need to lay off a little too.
What next steps can I take?
tl;dr I feel like my wife only complains and does very little for "us" She east sleeps and goes to work. Romantically she is sweet and no issue there. What next steps can I take to approach this. She doesn't seem to hear my requests.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
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My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
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My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
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Comments
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Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.

OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.

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failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.

OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I don’t have any reason to distrust her. Maybe it’s something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Can’t really approach that with a solution if she doesn’t think it was a problem. IDK

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BigIronBruce

She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.

That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.

Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated?

I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
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OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank you

Interesting-Tip-4850

"I’m ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."

you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.

OOP: Can you elaborate on the “180 Method”?

Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

OOP: I bookmarked this. I’m heavily considering this.

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Update - 8 days later
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I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
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Comments
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Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.

OOP: Definitely. I think this “soft ultimatum” (180 method) has been very eye opening. I’m definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but I’m also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and I’ve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I don’t want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things don’t improve, it won’t be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.

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shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.

OOP: I understand what you mean. I don’t think I’ll ever doubt she loved me at all. I’m certain she did and I’m certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and I’m not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex we’re lacking.

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RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?

OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method it’s happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. It’s evident she’s thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Here’s what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

My bio mother Jan and I are not in speaking terms ever since since she had an affair about 12 years ago and my dad divorced her. She tried reaching out but I was adamant in cutting contact with her together with both my sisters who covered up for her affair.
Anyways, over the years we just never spoke to each other, till last year she has decided to officially let me go and cut me off from any inheritance, that's was an unneeded drama from her end as I never asked a dime from since my parents divorce.
Cut forward, one of my cousin informed me that Jan had a heart attack recently a few weeks back and it was kinda of a big deal, her entire family was there because it was serious one and they thought she wouldn't make the night. I was shocked but since they didn't tell me, it didn't really cross my mind to reach out on face to face sense hence why I just sent a get better text using my cousin's phone once I heard, she was upset that my cousin told me and told me thanks but she is well take care by my sisters and not to worry about it.
I simply told her ok and that's when she called my cousin back and asked to speak to me, I was reluctant to but since my cousin told me I texted her first, I should accept her call. Jan started some small talk but I just started talking about some supplements she can take and told her to rest, just being generic as possible.
I guess she realized I was trying to leave the conversation so she told me that she is glad I reached out but she would like if I don't reach out to her and she will talk to any of her family members to not feel they have to update me. I merely told her that cousin just blurted it out and this isn't something we to delve into more than it is. I guess I could hear the disappointment in her voice and she just told me to please don't bother about her anymore, she is happy with the care her daughters provide and she has accepted that I don't care about her which isn't entirely true, a heart attack is a serious thing and it's concerning.
Jan eventually felt like the conversation was dragging because I kinda didn't talk much while she asked me things and told her she wishes me well but it's best I don't reach out to her anymore, I told her I understand, I won't text her anymore and I hope she gets better for the sake of her two daughters at least. She said she will for the sake of her upcoming grandchild which apparently another news that my older sister is pregnant. I didn't know about that and told her to send my well wishes to my sister which she said she will. Jan said she needed to go now and she wishes me well which I shared the same sentiment back to her.
It felt surreal but in the end, I have to accept that even if she dies, I would probably not know most likely and it's best for me to accept her as good as dead in that case. There are no hard feelings on my end anymore but it seems like my mother and I have finally in a way cut ties for good which gives me some form of relief.
TL;DR: Found out my mother had a heart attack which I wasn't aware and she told me not to reach out to her which I agreed. We cut ties on a neutral note never to be mother and son in this life again.

I’m at a loss. A year ago, we were unexpectedly placed with my sisters’ kids - now almost 18 (M) and 11 (F). It was supposed to be temporary for a year or less while my sister completed a drug rehabilitation program, but she never did and has never even visited them.
Now the court is severing her custody and looking at permanency options with us, which we have begrudgingly agreed with to keep them out of the system.
This is ruining my marriage. My wife does not want to adopt them. I don’t either, but I’m struggling with the idea of looking these kids (my niece and nephew) in the face, who are now happy and thriving, and telling them we can’t keep them. I worry they may be split up or placed in a worse off home, and that we will massively add to their trauma and abandonment issues. I feel so guilty.
But it’s either we do that, or I face a divorce. I feel torn in half. I feel so sad and can’t stop crying.
We’re both open to counseling because we both want to stay married but my wife is unsure if it will help because counseling can’t fix the kinship placement, which neither of us want for the rest of our lives.
Added details: the teen has multiple mental issues - eating disorder, episodes of psychosis and hallucinations, he’s been in the psych ward recently, he’s an all around headache. My wife is afraid of him (we think a schizo diagnosis may be coming, based on discussions with the hospital and psychiatrist, and his age) and highly dislikes him as a person. Being around him is almost unbearable for her. However, he has literal years until he can gain all the credits to graduate so it’s not likely he will be moved out by 18 or even 19.
tl;dr taking in my sister’s kids unexpectedly through foster care may end my marriage and I don’t know what to do. It’s a lose-lose situation.
ETA: lol just for clarity, I’m a woman also.

Throwaway here
Up until a few days ago I (39m) was dating/just establishing a relationship with a single mother (41f). We have been seeing each other for just over 2 months. Not a long time I know but the ease in which we connected really felt very unique and different than past relationships. A fact she acknowledged more than once. We share similar perspectives, find enjoyment in many of the same things, equally dorky and awkward. We really felt in sync.
I know the intensity of feelings I felt towards her were disproportionate, in a typical sense, to the amount of time we spent/knew each other. When speaking with friends I even said it was stupid I felt this strength of connection so quickly. I know it's easy to think I was naive or seeing things that weren't there, but I am confident that's not the case. There were real reciprocation of feelings and intensity in moments that we both identified. I think I communicate well, I am clear, and understanding, and a good listener. She really appreciated this quality and as such was very open and clear about her feelings towards me as well. Saying things like how she's never dated someone like me (I've been through some shit, did therapy, became pretty emotionally intelligent and self-reflective as a result), telling me how appreciative she is for me, gave me a card stating this on the day she started to pull back actually, how my touch gives her tingles. Straight up telling me a week before how she really likes me.
Yes we were intimate a few times. Intense and mutually satisfying, had improtu spicy chats during the day including the day before we last saw each other. On top of her words and discussions there were actions that also spoke to her really being serious about the connection we were developing. She happens to live right next to her parents and her sisters family. Now she could have kept me separate from all that, but she didn't. I met her sister pretty early on when having a date night at her house. Then a week later she invites me to her sister's house for a little BBQ, was an excellent night. And I ended up meeting her parents too. Not by happenstance either, but rather here come inside my parents house and say hello. And she was having conversations with her son about me and trying to get him comfortable with the idea of meeting me. I even helped her move appliances with her and her dad 3 days before the pull back and 1 week before she ended it. I even installed the washer and dryer for her, then encouraged her to go to an event for her son right after I got done, without me. I didn't do it for any other reason than I really liked her and acts of service are one of the ways I show how I care and it made me feel good to do it, to be there for her. This all has a certain connotation or level of seriousness in a relationship all in its own.
My emotions fed off of her words and actions, maybe my openness and honesty felt like a bit much at times, like I was oversharing. But it was honest and reciprocated every time. There were palpable moments of electricity between us.
Then came the pull back...she is a nurse who works 12 hour shifts and has shared custody of her son. I work a typical m-f schedule. So as we are building this whatever it was, spending time together was a challenge sometimes. I completely respect her keeping me separate from her son until the time was right, never pushed, always accepted that her role as a mother comes first.
So she asks me if I want to do dinner at my house for this past Tuesday. Tuesday is my golf night, but I made an effort to go to work early, leave early, get my match done early so we can have a nice evening. I even took the morning off in case we were up late, so we could maybe wake up next to each other and enjoy sometime together in the morning. She was really excited about this, or rather implied that she was. Even had the spicy talk the day before.
Then she arrives and I can tell something is off. Shes not as receptive to my touch, dynamic is off. After dinner we sit on the couch and she breaks down in tears. She's feeling like we are moving fast, she feels like our texting is taking away from time with her son, wants to dial it back. She has her son for a 5 day stint starting the next day, doesn't want to feel tethered to her phone, wants to feel present. Okay, I get it, respect it, no problem at all. She then tells me about how her divorce went down, kind of wild and not exactly how she made it seem at first. She definitely still is working through that stuff and the ex dynamic is poor and I think he bullies her and knows her buttons. I straight up told her that if I was her partner I would be there and defend her and not let his bullshit slide (maturely, I'm 40 and don't need to be physical). She did say a few times that she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop with us because of her past relationship trauma. But guys, I have no other shoe. I'm a god damn gentleman doing his best to operate in a time when women are more independent, and I support it and respect it.
I send her an email the following day apologizing if I came in to strong, I believe in what we are building, I respect boundaries and her and all her terrific attributes. She responds by saying it was beautiful and she looks forward to moving forward with me. I also suggest phone calls or Video chats in lieu of texting moving forward. And I assured her I didn't need to be in contact 24/7 and that I like my independence as well.
Over the next couple days I let her lead the conversation. If she texted I responded. Typically it wasn't immediately but within 15 minutes unless I myself was busy. I wouldn't try and engage in long discussions. Just little check ins it seemed like. Then her text style changed again, less frequent, no emoji, no real engagement from her in to my activities. I felt it coming.
She was ill over these past few days with bronchitis and was having her period, she felt cruddy and I felt bad I couldn't be there for her like I wanted to. I would ask how she was doing, if she needed anything. Her response was that I was sweet but she could manage. But she began to not ask me about what I was up to, or really engage much at all.
Saturday she ends it, says she hasn't really put all her focus on being a mom since her divorce (4 years ago), she made some relationship mistakes post divorce, still healing, really wants to be there for her son (kid sounds amazing btw). But okay, yeah I am bummed but I respect it. What else can I do right? Kid comes first, I get it.
But you know what really bothered me is that when asked about what we were felt for each other, if it was real, she denies we had this special connection and that she thinks she was forcing it....so my long winded question here is... After all that, does that sound like she was forcing it? She said she felt there was an incompatibility but couldn't identify what it was. She's sorry for leading me on, then tells me not to lose her number. Like wtf? I think she is either lying to herself to make herself feel better or there is something else going on. My hypothesis is that our potential scared her, she doesn't want to get big time hurt again and is anxious about it and somebody put the bug in her ear that the feelings she is having is because she is forcing it (she mentioned a comment a coworker made to this extent about it being forced because she wasnt as giddy as she had been, I think she was fearful and this person labeled it as force). I say this because it all doesn't make sense, I am probably wrong, help me make sense of this, please.
Tl;Dr built a wicked connection with a woman, have evidence it wasn't one sided, special connection, met her parents, installed her appliances, got dumped a week later and was told it wasn't real but forced.

On a rainy Saturday afternoon not so long ago when internet connection was fluctuating in most homes, the 80-year-old Cecile Guidote-Alvarez, widow of the late Senator Heherson Alvarez, carrying a mini iPad, hurriedly alighted from a three-wheeled pedicab Toktok and stormed her way into a popular coffee shop in a mall in Manila.

A senior citizen in panic mode, she told the stunned baristas she’s looking for a Wi-Fi connection because she was about to interview retired Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonio Carpio via Zoom.
The coffee shop, a known world brand, has Wi-Fi exclusive to its employees, so the old lady was told to try other establishments. She went from one coffee shop to another only to be told the same, until a kind stranger led her to a well-known beauty salon with a free internet connection.
The lady salon attendant was very accommodating to the octogenarian, even typing the password on her IPad. Of course, she needed to avail herself of their salon services. Initially, she opted for a haircut, but since she needed to talk and hear clearly who she was talking to, she settled for a foot spa with pedicure.
“They lowered the volume of the piped-in music, and since there were less customers because it’s been raining all day, I was able to do my interview,” Guidote-Alvarez said.
For the next half-an-hour, the hair dressers and manicurists working with their scissors, nail clippers and cuticle removers on their customers’ hair and fingernails, listened to Carpio and Guidote-Alvarez discussed how Filipino fishermen and the Philippine Navy ships helplessly negotiate their ways in Scarborough Shoal amid the territorial disputes in the West Philippine Sea.
“They were all very nice to me. I was able to finish my interview, with newly pedicured nails,” she told The Diarist.
For those who’ve worked with Guidote-Alvarez, her steadfast, almost stubborn, nature to accomplish a task, is nothing out of the ordinary. She would improvise, find alternatives, call up friends and former students, wake them up from sleep, just to get things done.
But now, in her 80s, legally blind and nearly deaf, she has mellowed down.
Cecile Alvarez with her mentors, National Artist for Literature Alejandro Roces, Jr and Fr. James Reuter. SJ
In her twilight years, Guidote-Alvarez has been solely hosting the 57-year-old Radyo Balintataw on DZRH, one of the oldest radio stations in the Philippines, where she tackles a wide range of topics, from climate change, women’s health, theater, culture, dance, to current issues, apart from playing old recordings of classic radio plays she produced and directed, dating back to the late ‘80s.
She shared with TheDiarist.ph how she started and continues to host one of the longest running advocacy programs on AM Radio.
Theater on TV
After founding the Philippine Educational Theater Association (PETA) on April 7, 1967, or exactly 57 years ago, Guidote-Alvarez thought of the need to expose PETA’s members to television, so she started conceptualizing Balintataw, which in Filipino means the pupil of the eye, but in a larger context has something to do with having wild imagination, or what you might see if you have a third eye.

“I designed Balintataw as a bridge between cinema and the stage, where the youth being trained in theater skills can have a ready-made laboratory experience linked with the film and entertainment industry that would likewise have a natural on-the-job training and orientation regarding the theatrical discipline of working with a literary script, whether dramatic or comic—not the regular improvised script done on taping or copycat scripts from foreign themes,” Guidote-Alvarez wrote in her yet-to-be published Memoir of a Freedom Fighter’s Wife.
“A primary goal when I conceived PETA was to initiate and sustain artistic expression that draws meaning and power from the lives of the people, and sharing the literary gems with a greater number of audiences through a Broadcast Theater-Film Program with Balintataw on Channel 5,” she added.
“No matter how little the pay, at least it provided our local writers with a little honorarium. I sought permission for award-winning pieces of the Palanca Playwriting contest to be fleshed out to reach the masses. The much-awarded playwright Bert Florentino served as our literary manager, assisted by Mauro Avena. Eventually, Isagani Cruz took over when Bert left for the US,” she wrote.
“Writers need exposure and encouragement through a regular TV performance that will give them a sense of achievement and inspire them to keep on writing with some kind of honorarium. I was glad Lupita Aquino (now Kashiwahara) agreed to be TV director and Robert Arevalo as TV host.
She got members of the PETA Kalinangan Ensemble to serve as stage directors. “This is to undertake preliminary preparation with a rehearsal with the actors for character development and memorization and preliminary staging,” she wrote.
Five months after PETA was founded, Balintataw TV premiered on Channel 5 on Aug. 19, 1967, coinciding with the Buwan ng Wika birthdate of President Manuel Luis Quezon.
The first play, whose title escapes her now, featured Armida Siguion-Reyna and Maria Eva “Chingbee” Kalaw. She employed photo journalist and award-winning photographedocumentarist/cinematographer, Romy Vitug, to work with her in filming outdoor scenes for Balintataw.

In the pre-Martial Law Balintataw, among those initiated into television were Lino Brocka, Elwood Perez, Nick Lizaso, Maryo delos Reyes, Mario O’Hara, Joey Gosiengfiao, Behn Cervantes, and Frank Rivera.
Among the stage actors who crossed over to television were Lily Gamboa, Angie Ferro, Lorlie Villanueva, Jonee Gamboa, Joy Soler, Sherry Lara, Gardy Labad, Noel Trinidad.
Like with PETA, Guidote-Alvarez directed and managed Balintataw for five years. Because of Martial Law, she and husband Heherson went on exile in the US to escape a military shoot-to-kill order on Heherson, who was tagged as a subversive.
Post-Martial Law
Internationally acclaimed auteur Lav Diaz mentioned in several interviews how he learned writing radio and TV scripts in Balintataw.
This happened in the late 1980s, when the Alvarez couple returned from exile.
Despite its absence on the air in the Martial Law years, Balintataw was honored by Star Awards as among the 20 unforgettable outstanding broadcast programs in the Philippines.
“This encouraged me to consider reviving Balintataw on TV. Another blessing was a FAMAS award for having an important role in the development of cinema recognizing Balintataw as a bridge for synergizing cinema with the stage, providing a pathway of entry of our PETA artists into film and for movie stars to consider enriching their experience by acting on the legitimate stage,” Guidote-Alvarez wrote.
Though she didn’t return to PETA anymore because it had been surviving well and had its own set of officers led by Brocka, she just tapped some of its members for the return of Balintataw.
For 14 years, the Alvarez couple lived in the US as political exiles, shown here during a Ninoy Aquino Movement meeting. Cecile revived Radyo Balintataw upon their return in the late 1980s.
Channel 4 stint
“I arranged to revive TV Balintataw on Channel 4 in 1989. We began with a drama about a rebel returnee, title escapes me now, but I clearly remember it was written by Lualhati Bautista and directed by Maryo de los Reyes. We also had a good story series on the hazing of Lenny Villa, an Aquila Legis Frat neophyte,” she wrote.
At the time, Heherson had been elected senator after having served as Agrarian Reform Minister and eventually Cabinet Secretary during the first year of the Cory Aquino Administration.
“We were able to unravel the deadly hazing process from a fellow neophyte who broke the code of silence as we revealed graphically, acted the cruel process used. I had Jose Mari Avellana direct it. This presentation won all the awards. Lav Diaz was training with us and he started writing teleplays. We also had Nora Aunor in an adaptation of Bert Florentino’s The World Is An Apple, adapted by Frank Rivera, and I had Nick Lizaso direct.”

Emmy Awards
Balintataw TV was selected as one of five soaps for social change recognized by Emmy Awards. The Philippines was one of five countries cited, with Mexico, India, Brazil and Kenya.
“The nomination was made possible by the wonderful support from David Poindexter. It was a supreme honor for our country to be recognized in the Emmy Awards, to be cited among the five Third World countries using soap opera for social change.”
Poindexter was a Methodist minister and TV producer who founded the Population Communications International.
Surviving on radio
“In spite of the cry about how television can be deadening the minds of the people with copied themes with an eternal favorite love triangle story, there was really no funding for Balintataw,” she wrote.
“Sponsors would go naturally to the commercial stations where big stars were paid highly for the starring role. Balintataw may have substance but we could not afford payment of bankable stars,” she added.
“Financial stress forced me to drop TV and remain on radio because I didn’t want to kill Balintataw per se just because we didn’t have funds.”
Creative classroom
“We have focused on Balintataw as a creative classroom on the air. I was able to talk to Fred J. Elizalde of DZRH and the president of the network, Mr. Jun Nicdao,” she wrote.
In the ‘80s, the HIV/AIDS became a global epidemic and in the Philippines, the general populace was still clueless on how to deal with it.
“In order to get funding, the first series I did was about the explosive news regarding AIDS in Asia. I got the DOH Secretary at the time, Dr. Juan Flavier, to act as himself, providing the data. It was easier to start off with an AIDS radio serial.
They did a minimum of 13 episodes to raise awareness about the disease.
“From then on, some of our television scripts we transformed into a radio version. DZRH provided us with our initial production staff, so we used some from the network and some of its resident artists and drama talents. Our time slots were changing but always coming after the long-running horror drama, Gabi ng Lagim.
“We worked on the themes of overseas workers, the drug problem, corruption, aside from portraying contemporary and literary classics serving as social commentaries,” she wrote.
Women playwrights
“We dramatized the works of noted women writers and playwrights like Estrella Alfon, Genoveva Edroza Matute and Marilou Jacob, who is distinguished in being a founding president of Women’s Playwright International.
“Apart from our PETA staple of writers, we involved young, upcoming and budding university and community theater groups.
“We also had a lot of foreign plays, where we could feature theater festivals beyond borders. We could do Shakespeare, we could do Euripides but also the current playwrights in the Arab region we translated in our language.
“We brought in Chinese contemporary plays, Malaysian, Indonesian and from other women writers from ASEAN member countries.”
Virtual history book
“The significance of Balintataw is portrayed as a virtual history book on audio as it unveiled events in the country. Radio is fresh, instant and up-to date,” she added.
When the COVID-19 pandemic struck, Balintataw became Guidote-Alvarez’s outlet and therapy. Having lost her husband on the second month of the pandemic, a widow cocooned at home, she began hosting it six days a week, learning how to use an iPad and interviewing via Zoom.
The word “Balintataw” has been associated with her name.
Visual artist and editorial cartoonist Benjie Lontoc in casual meeting told us how in his younger days, when AM Radio was a national past-time, he was surprised to hear a Filipino adaptation of No Exit by Jean Paul-Sarte. This was when radio was airing soap, fantasy adventures targeting housewives and children.
Another was the airing of Larawan as a radio play in the 1990s, with Guidote-Alvarez as the voice of Candida Marasigan.
Leopoldo Salcedo (left) as Manolo in a confrontation scene with Dante Rivero as Tony Javier in PETA’s 1968 ‘Larawan’ directed by Cecile Guidote-Alvarez. (Photo from PETA archives)
In the 1960s, she directed Larawan, the first Filipino adaptation of Joaquin’s A Portrait of the Artist as Filipino for PETA’s second season. It ran from December 1968 to January 1969 at the Raha Sulayman Theater at Fort Santiago in Intramural. In the cast were Rita Gomez (Candida), Lolita Rodriguez (Paula), Leopoldo Salcedo (Don Manolo) and Dante Rivero (Tony Javier).
Guidote-Alvarez has a funny recollection of the radio play. It was Nick Joaquin himself who told her years ago how his pedicurist suddenly started a conversation about Larawan.

Joaquin was relaxing on the barber’s chair having a post-haircut pedicure and foot spa when the lady pedicurist asked him how the story would end. Joaquin was stunned because he didn’t want to be known in the barber shop as Nick Joaquin the famous National Artist for Literature, but just a regular customer.
“He told me he almost fell out from the chair. He was a very private person and the pedicurist recognized him as the playwright,” Guidote-Alvarez, laughing, told TheDiarist.ph.
When she was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, she was given only three years to live. It’s been more than two decades since then. She has also conquered COVID-19 twice.
Over and beyond her work in theater and various advocacies, Guidote-Alvarez is among the few surviving practitioners of AM Radio broadcasting.
The beauty salon incident wasn’t a first for the octogenarian radio host. She occasionally went back there to interview guests and record her shows whenever Wi-Fi connections in her home fluctuated.
Despite all setbacks, man-made or otherwise, the steadfast Cecile Guidote-Alvarez’s voice continues to be heard in this mass media platform in an era that knows mainly Spotify. As Joaquin wrote, “to remember and to sing, that is her vocation.”
(Except Saturday, Radyo Balintataw airs daily on DZRH 666 Khz AM radio after ‘Gabi ng Lagim’, and live streamed on radio.org.ph. Some episodes have been uploaded on YouTube.)

I posted this under relationship before and was toasted there which is not my intent. I am really looking to get constructive advice here.
I have three children and am divorced. Their father and I both paid for our college educations we are both employed and my kids have jobs and college scholarships and we help them but it was important to us that we put the responsibility on our children. So far this has worked well for us. My children are mostly independent and are not around much. But we spend important days/ dates together. Generally a good relationship.
My partner and I have been together for a year avd her 21 year old daughter lives with him. He has been providing everything for her. He says when he got divorced he felt badly and sees that guilt is carrying on. He drives the daughter to the Dr the dentist…. Pays for everything and she has not had any adult responsibilities never worked or even did an internship or volunteered . In addition whenever she is not in a relationship (she brings boyfriends home and they sleep together) she will just show up at our dates ( they follow one another on the phone) and invite herself to our outings. Sometimes she will tell me this is what he likes or this is how we do X or so on. Lately I started telling her she is not invited to every date and asked her to please don’t assume.
Fundamentally I think we have very differing parenting and I have voice Ed my concerns to him. How he parents is his business but I don’t like being in a 3some with his daughter I feel like she tells me what to do. Lately I started correcting her and I don’t like this!
I guess my question is: given how difficult it is to find a partner at this stage in my life is this relationship salvageable? I mean I really don’t like his kids ( through no fault of their own) they are raised differently and I don’t see how they can ever move on to be responsible adults. I don’t suggest that I will take on parenting them bc I won’t but how will I have a future with him if I don’t like his children who are clearly far from being independent adults?
Thank you for your responsible and constructive advice.

I’ve (26f) been in a weird situationship with a long time friend (31m) of mine. Long story short, we’ve known each other since 2019, but in December 2022, he and I both got out of long term relationships. I was with my ex since 2019 (3.5 years) and my situationship was with his wife for about 5-6 years. January 2023 was when we began our situationship (yes I know, it was WAY too soon, especially for him because of his divorce). From January-March, we were getting serious. He made so many promises to me, told me he loved me.. all lies. March is when he started getting really distant, as the divorce started to hit him more, but he wouldn’t communicate. At this point I met someone else and I started falling for this guy. I felt horrible and confessed to my situationship, to which he was incredibly angry over this. I felt I liked my situationship way more than this new guy, because I knew him for years and actually fell in love with him, so I chose to be in our situationship again and he forgave me. After this is where things really went downhill.
He was being a lot more distant. Following lots of girls on IG, all while still messaging me here and there just love bombing me. Finally after I graduated college and moved back home, I blocked him, and told him I needed to take him out of my life for a bit. He then called me about a month and a half later, and we started talking again. This cycle continued all throughout 2023.. so draining.
Speed up to this month May. The constant not talking for a month then hitting me back up has gotten draining so I could feel myself losing feelings, but they’re still there. I talked to him last week regarding going to see him and he made plans and said that he couldn’t wait to see me. I live 4 hours from him so we planned this (not set in stone.) well, he told me he was going to EDC and that I could see him the following weekend. Well, this weekend goes by and I ended up stalking his accounts and friends account on IG, and I come across him and some girl on his friends story, and they’re kissing, she’s twerking on him, um yeah.. It hurt me at first, but I felt like I needed to see that, like it was the final straw and the biggest ick. Funny thing is the girl started looking at my IG stories all EDC weekend, so I think he brought me up in some way, but I have no idea. Idk if he’s trying to be serious with her or what, but regardless if he is, he obviously doesn’t respect both of us if he’s having her all up on him at EDC, but wanting me to go visit him the next week 💀
Now let me get to what kind of person he is. I’m sorry but this guy has absolutely no goals at all in life. He smokes, drinks all the time, and goes out every chance he gets. He even does coke all the time.. He has no car, but seems to spend all his money at bars and on festival tickets. He is also VERY narcissistic, and seems to have no regard to how he treats people around him. He’s not special at all, but I put him so high up on a pedestal because I genuinely fell in love with him. When it was good it was great, but of course I ignored the red flags. He treated me so so well In the beginning and made so many false promises , and I guess I hold onto what I thought he was. Look I get it you’re going through a divorce and was cheated on, but that doesn’t mean you need to put your heartbreak and being hurt into good people . So narcissistic…
As for me, I’m far from being conceded but I feel I have a lot going on for myself. I just finished my B.A, I’m also almost done with becoming a CPT, and I also am going to pursue either my Masters degree or Doctoral degree within the next couple of years. I need someone who is as ambitious as I am, and he’s for sure not that guy.
He’s not good for me at all, but I can’t seem to get over him completely. I’m not sure what I need to do to get over him but I want to so bad. Please anyone give me advice.
TL;DR: been in a situationship for a year on and off. Found out he was messing around with some girl. He’s a loser with no goals, no car, wastes his money. How do I get over this guy?

This is haunting me and I need help. I (22M) am the oldest of 6. My sister (17F) is the 3rd oldest of our bunch. Growing up, we didn’t have a great childhood which has lead to separation between me and my younger sisters. While I was visiting my grandparents, my uncle (40M) asked to have a beer and I went out to smoke with him. Things are going normal as we were chatting about life, moving, and other matters.
While we were chatting about updates on his divorce, he told me that my sister and him were moving into an apartment together in the city. That didn’t phase me much as I knew they were close and she had previously lived with him, my soon to be ex-aunt and cousins in another state a few months ago. This is information that my mom, dad, and grandparents know, but I’m the first of the children that know.
As we continue shooting the breeze, he tells me that he has something to tell me about. Something that would want me to yell him out for, or just walk away and never look back. In my mind I thought it was something about suicide or abuse as he is going through not the greatest divorce and has been struggling.
Then he drops a fucking nuke, HE GOT MY SISTER PREGNANT. I’ll be as precise as possible about the details but I still feel shockwaves after hearing it. He told me the reason they’re moving in is because he is the father of my sister’s baby and besides him and my sister, I am the only family member who knows. He said that everything that transpired was consensual and that their intent is to keep the baby. And the reason they are moving out is to keep my sister protected from the backlash. He repeatedly told me that I can do with I want with this information and that he won’t judge me if I tell everyone in the family. But I am left in awe that he would
1) Be romantly involved with his blood related niece
And 2) think that I am fit and able to carry this information
It’s only been a few hours as writing this post, but I just feel sick being the only one outside of them who is burdened with this information.
A few details that I should mention that is scrambling in my head. their move in date is only a few days away. The baby is dew late this year (Oct-Nov). My uncle is in the process of being divorced and has two kids of their own. My uncle is our mom’s brother. My uncle and sister are religious (Christianity). My uncle has never been a person to tell a lie, or at least not to me.
So I come to you Reddit as a source of help. How do I handle this information?? After talking to my girlfriend, she pointed out that it seems that he wants me to be the one to break the news to the family. But I just can’t handle my parents not knowing that them moving out is actually because they are having a kid. She’s not a legal adult yet so I’m not sure what laws were broken on top or incest. I’m going to bed after writing this but I’ll try to edit or reply when I can.
TL/DR: My uncle got my sister pregnant (blood related) and I’m the only one who knows.
EDIT: grammaspelling errors, I have also told my parents, me and my girlfriend have been reading your comments and I appreciate all your advice, I will do a full update tonight as more comes out and I have the energy to make a post.

beauty
which i have now
fades so quick
i can’t even grasp it
actors and actresses
statues looking at you
only the garb changes
one of the strongest emerging social trends that arise as a consequence of increased longevity is a necessity to think about slowing cognitive decline in the over 50’s which means attention to diet and supplements, exercise , general fitness and "wear and tear", alcohol and drug consumption
my feeling is we are going to see sharp divides between subcultures in this respect and a lot of individual variation
also, a lot of the public health advice and cultural opinions are wrong minded or ill-informed, you have to do your own research and experimentation
a way of looking at the covid public health debacle (which continues despite the cardiovascular and cancer risks of boosters) was to trade off a reduced death rate in the elderly for an increased vaccine injury problem for the young
a verse by touzi on #3 of master fushan’s sixteen themes translated by suru
the death within life
birds clench the falling blossoms before the emerald cliffs, every word responds to conditions, spreading throughout — they ask of coming west, pointing to the cypress in the yard, but how could the passage through the lush mountain peaks be shut ?
活中死。鳥銜華落碧嵓前。對境皆言到處傳。人問西來指庭柏。豈關蒼翠嶺頭穿。
my reply:
what cannot be shut
is always open
but to avoid the common herd
it is disguised
why write things people understand ?
they just make your life a misery with their missionizing of a contrary view
to confuse them is better
they can’t target you
no "master"
except the claim
fantasies about reality
seek a center
its doesn’t exist
non-existence or otherwise
ed. zen is full of fake claims to authority by the appellation of "zen master", same with any religion and its "pooh-bahs"
that’s the trouble with writing
its lasts forever
so
necessarily
you are writing forever
i am appreciating the philosopher gilles deleuze more
the untranslated portion at the end goes
so you understand, when you have such an idea, the important is not to know whether it is true or false
the question is to know if it is important, if it is interesting, and if it is beautiful
and it is the same in science, it is the same in philosophy, you know
waterslipt
a furball
widening ripples on
the smooth surface
of a reflective river
a platypus
ed. i was having lunch at a clearing on the bank of the mersey rivestream near the eastern end of bridle track road, the day was amazingly clear and windless and the river smooth and i noticed a platypus working its way feeding on the bottom to surface occasionally for breath then go back down again
this morning i serendipitously put on a shirt and trousers that "matched", i have always been sceptical of the concept, but since there are clothes that don’t match, there must be those that do match, though what constitutes the female sense of this, i still cannot fathom
the abdication of the duke of windsor was in fact a surface effect of a deeper political struggle, would britain become a client state of germany or would it resist ?
the outcome was not as obvious as you might think
taking actors as real
and a set as reality
is it any wonder
the dissembling mess
collapses ?
the circle of the contemporary
rubbish generating more rubbish
stay there at your own risk
sharing the same road for a while
but later
looking at the forks and branches
i realise
we are apart
inscribed on the tower at veneration monastery
in cold spring, a hundred-foot tower
i climb up alone, and then back down alone
who can manage such distances of the heart ?
david hinton
classical chinese poetry
the poet is tu mu (803 to 853 a.d.) with a bio on page 378 of the "classical chinese poetry" pdf link
definitely medieval with the mention of a functional tower
an interesting thing about frieda hughes is she did not have her mother’s talent, of course neither did ted
there is just a remarkable depth to sylvia plath’s work and this was despite all the obstacles, what genetic quirk created her or would , if her parents had more children, they have a similar talent ?
this prosaic world
because its written in prose of course
its not a poetic world
because its not written in poetry
if you take away the "zen master" or saint or prophet as an authority figure, what do you then have ?
Regulus replies:
People acceptant of the existent reality
my reply:
the monk asked zen master regulus "what is required to be enlightened" ?
zen master regulus replied "be accepting of existing reality"
the monk was left speechless
lee smolin doesn’t like jonathon oppemheim’s stochastic gravity approach
its interesting to watch lee talk with the constant gesticulatory body movements, almost tourette's, but he is using them to think, they are part of his cognition process
how simple is the world ?
its not that simple
and certainly not as simple as the way we view it to be
insight
takes you back
and obviates
some future lives
the brain
is
a
quantum
machine
words in a story
believable or unbelievable ?
don’t
be
fooled
.
words in a story
believable or unbelievable ?
don’t be fooled
so much knowledge
everywhere
each branch opens up exponentially
drowning in detail
its pursuer
i guess i have got so interested in hearts because of hunting and looking at them, in one animal, it beat for minutes cut out from the body; never seen any that had human like aging diseases
i think as a society we have lost touch with our own raw "viscerality", i hunt for my own meat; the killing, butchering and eating does bring one back in touch with that, the commonality with our homonin history
heart and lungs animation
the number of people who have no understanding of what even moderate levels of drinking does to their lives and long term health
you have won the existential lottery where the odds are so small of winning, no number covers it and to chip away at brain function with drugs and alcohol like that . . .
you want to experiment with doing some translation yourself with google and you will realise how its possible to construct almost any sense out of the chinese, its actually not meaningful to do any commentary without going back to the chinese, the variance is so large, translators follow their own biases to create a narrative that suits them
“ continuous as the stars that shine and twinkle on the milky way ”
wordsworth’s famous poem which he wrote based on notes by his sister dorothy was in effect co-authored by her
strangers to me
thirty years of no contact
exile speaks
of unwanted distance
.
strangers to me
thirty years of no contact
exile speaks
unwanted distance
ed. looking at a photo of my sister, niece and brother in law who are all very much changed since i last saw them notions of exile are not common in western literature, but are certainly there in the chinese
lost roads
can’t be recovered
what we have travelled
always
takes us
to
a different place
i love a sotherby’s auction , vast sums spent for my entertainment, all free, it don’t get slicker, a living made from networking skills and being personable
i was about to go negative on the painting by lucy bull, but on looking further i quite like her work
you have to be careful, auctioneers like these can talk the money out of your wallet
xu qiyao’s advice to his son on being successful in CCP politics
“ the path of understanding requires objectivity and experience ”
ed. the above is my reworking of the first lines of the xinxin ming which, amongst its more "normal" translations is
“ the great way is not difficult, just avoid picking and choosing ”
the xinxin ming is an abridged version of the mind inscription
心性不生何須知見
“ reality is either itself or not. is there any point to understanding this ? ”
ed. my translation of the first line of the "mind inscription"
"don’t interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake" — napoleon
i think in the context of divorce , what people find difficult is the necessity of switching to the extreme mindset of being at war and all that entails because that is what is immediately required
billie and finneas o’connell discuss how they created the "what am i made for" song for the film "barbie"
billie in her own words describes the process
“ Dr. Raszek provides insights from his participation in a comprehensive review concerning the utilization of synthetic uridines in mRNA vaccines (ed. covid) and their potential implications for cancer development
The discussion delves into the intricate mechanisms that could be at play, exploring how these synthetic components might inadvertently suppress the body's innate immune system, induce frameshifting phenomena, and contribute to the production of IgG4 antibodies, all of which could potentially influence cancer growth ”
my comment
i think we can expect an upsurge in cancers, especially amongst the elderly as a result of the misguidedly intensive "booster" campaign, though it may take a while to show
the forward momentum
of habituation
leading
to
habits
that
become
unbreakable
the fallacy of "negation"
its not this, its not that
but its what its not
negation is a stylised buddhist rhetorical technique, nāgārjuna of course and you get it in dogen, they’ll say something then walk it back through its negation
but having walked it forwards, there is a sense in which it can’t be walked back or it could not be walked forwards another way of putting it is there is no ontological unity, everything is constantly splitting apart
zen masters and the authority they carry are literary constructs
buddha is a literary construct
jesus, muhammad and moses are literary constructs
the egyptian book of the dead is a literary construct
does it bother you that your advice is so bad ?
no
the blindness of narcissism

So I met my bf in November of last year and we started dating in January. He’s genuinely the best man I've ever met. He’s kind, passionate, funny, playful, fun to be around, humble, helpful and generous in any way he can be. He's even a web (anime fan) like I am, which is a first for me and a HUGE plus. We met through work and he's always helped me as the new person and never gave it a second thought. We started out as friends and clicked very well from the jump. I couldn't ask for anyone better if I tried.
As we started to get to know each other, we’ve opened up about our past relationships. I myself recently divorced in January of 2023 from a 2 1/2 year marriage. We met young and married young as well, but things didn't work out and I decided to leave before things got worse. I had my time to grieve the relationship and I know in my heart of hearts I'd never look back at it again. It was super unhealthy and I hit my lowest low because of him.
My bf told me that same year, he also ended a long term relationship. He was with her for several years and eventually became a father figure to her child. He told me that they ended up splitting on bad terms, and has admitted to it all being his fault (he didn't cheat or anything. Basically, the flips side of what happened with my ex husband and I). The way he talks about it and about her… he's still hurting over it. Saying he’ll never forgive himself for what he put her through.
He tells me and shows me that he'd never go back and that he's all about me. But… the few times the conversation ever became about our past so we can understand each other better, the more it hurts to hear about him talk about her and what they had. I will never stop him or make him feel bad for saying it because I want him to feel safe enough to talk to me about anything, as I am with him. The thing is, I know in my heart of hearts I'd never go back to my ex, and I make that very clear. When my ex is brought up, I never talk about him in a way that I'm sad about the relationship because i’m glad it's over and that i’m not there anymore.
I've accepted that he's still hurting and healing from his past relationship. I know I have no say in any of that because that's not my trauma to heal from. I know I'm going to support him no matter what and how he chooses to deal with it, within reason.
I just want to know what or how do I cope with this as I help him cope? Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and has always made it a point to make me feel loved and cared for, but I know good and well he's still has something about her or what they had in his heart. He's quite honest about his feelings purely out of respect. He says they'd never get back together or that I have nothing to worry about, but because of my own traumas, as much as I love him a lot, I have my own reservations as well now. I just want some healthy and productive advice to help us grow together. Thanks in advance.
TL;DR - Both of us got out of a long term relationship and while i’m fully over mine to the point where I almost sound cold talking about it, my bf is still hurting over his. What do I do?

Here are my major villain teams for my current universe
THE ORDER: (The Light + The Cabal)

1. Alexander Von Doom (Lex Luthor + Doctor Doom)
   
2. Kraven Al Ghul (Ra's Al Ghul + Kraven the Hunter)
   
3. Prof. Kang/Nathaniel Thawne (Prof. Zoom + Kang the Conquerer
   
4. Black Set/Loketh-Adam (Black Adam + Loki)
   
5. Ocean MongeOrm'Daka (Ocean Master + Killmonger)
   
6. Seahawk/Namor-Hol (Hawkman + Namor)
   
7. G.R.O.D.D.O.K. (Gorilla Grodd + MODOK)
   
8. Ultra-Evolutionary/Gerard Wyndham (Ultra Humanitie + High Evolutionary)
   
9. Emperor Vertigo/Werner Khan (Count Vertigo + The Mandarin)
   
10. The Shroud/Parker Swift (The Shade + The Hood)
    
11. Master Mind/Hector Sterns (Hector Hammond + The Leader)
    
12. Baron Faust/Karl Faust (Felix Faust + Baron Mordo)
    
13. Queen Frost/Emma Crystal (Killer Frost + Emma Frost)
    

I choose 13 members as a reference to The Council of 13 from Venture Bros. This group is created after the Conquest event, being a fill in for the Marvel's Illuminati. Conquest is the amalgamation of the Invasion/Bloodlines + Kree-Skrull War
MASTERS OF INJUSTICE: (Injustice League + Masters of Evil)
Baroness Cheetah II/Barbara Zemo (Cheetah/Minerva + Helmut Zemo)
Dr. Dario Sivana (Doctor Sivana + Dario Agger)
Ironbow/Obadiah Merlyn (Merlyn/Dark Archer + Ironmonger)
Ronestro the SinisteThaal Ronestro (Sinestro + Ronan the Accuser)
Captain Blizzard/Lenard Gill (Captain Cold + Blizzard)
Black Raven/Dinah Vostokova (Original Black Canary + Iron Maiden)
Abominable/A’bom’at/Emil Jones (Malefic + Abomination)
Shadow DoctoCarl Dorcas (Shadow Thief + Doctor Dorcas)
Black Crab/David Klaue (Black Manta + Klaw)
Titan/Mary Fury (Knockout + Titania)
Oblivi-Man/Kali Sims (Oblivion + Anti-Man)
Gremlin/Jack Obsorn (Joker+Green Goblin)
This is your standard supervillain team consisting of the heroes archenemies.
CRIME SQUADRON: (Crime Syndicate + Squadron Supreme)
Ultimatum/Clark Milton/Kal-Ran (Ultraman + Hyperion)
Nightowl/Thomas Richmond (Owlman + Nighthawk)
Super Sovereign/Zarda Lane (Superwoman + Power Princess)
Johnny Speed/John Sanders (Johnny Quick + Speed Demon)
Spectrum Ring/Joseph Jordan (Power Ring + Dr. Spectrum)
King Amphibious (Sea King + Amphibian)
White Skrull (White Martian + Skymax)
Goldeneye/Wyatt Queen (Deadeye + Golden Archer)
Caracal/Linda Lance (White Cat + Lady Lark)
Fallout/Albert Stein (Deathstorm + Nuke)
Arcanna Annataz (Annataz Arataz + Arcanna Jones)
Ruin (Dr. Chaos + Norn)
This will be the multiversal villain team
THUNDER FORCE X: (Suicide Squad + Thunderbolts)
Citizen Flag/Colonel Rick Watkins (Rick Flag + Citizen V)
Megalodon/N'Nakue (King Shark + M'Baku)
Mr. Boomerang/Fred Harkness (Captain Boomerang + Boomerang)
Blindspot/Dex Lawton (Deadshot + Bullseye)
Morrigan/Melissa McDougall (Silver Banshee + Songbird)
Killer Bug/Drury Jenkins (Killer Moth + The Beetle)
Man-BlasteBette San Horne (Plastique + Man-Killer)
Commander Titan/Erik Zmeck (Major Force + Atlas)
Succubus/DevoureBobbi Moon (Enchantress/The Succubus + Sentry/Void)
Sportsman/Lawrence "Crusher" Masters (Sportsmaster + Taskmaster)
Mechanic/John Ebersol (Metallo + Fixer)
Harley Goblin/Harleen Kingsley (Harley Quinn + Hobgoblin)
This is the Black ops team consisting of supervillains created by Valentina Waller and AEGIS. (Amanda Waller + La Contessa Valentina Allegra de la Fontaine)
(ARGUS + SHIELD)
THE ASYLUM SIX: (Arkham Asylum Inmates + Sinister Six)
Doctor Nautilus/Otto Fries (Mr. Freeze + Doctor Octopus)
Crow/Adrian Crane (Scarecrow + Vulture)
Zeus/Maximilian Dillion (Maxie Zeus + Electro)
Enigma/Quentin Nashton (Riddler + Mysterio)
Clayman/Basil Baker (Clayface + Sandman)
Shock Wave/Lester Schultz (Electrocutioner + Shocker)
These are the original six members, these are the alternative members:
GatoWaylon Connors (Killer Croc+Lizard)
Carcass/Solomon Systevich (Solomon Grundy + Rhino)
Duality/Harvey Li (Two Face + Mr. Negative)
DeathstalkeMac Lynns (Firefly + Scorpion)
THE FRIGHTFUL FORCE: (Superman Revenge Squad + Frightful Four)
SorcereMorgan Bentley (Morgan Edge + The Wizard)
HeateMick Petruski (Heatwave + Trapster)
Thundrima (Maxima + Thundris)
Paragon/Kl'rph (Parasite + Super Skrull)
Brute
Mechanic
Enemies to the Super Squad (Superman Family + Fantastic Four)
THE BROTHERHOOD: (The Brotherhood of Evil + The Brotherhood of Mutants)
Magnetron/Ernst Magnus (The Brain + Magneto)
Monsieur Primal/Abu McCoy (Monsieur Mallah + Beast)
Madame Mystery/Laura Darkhölme (Madame Rouge + Mystique)
Oracle/Irene Clay (Omen + Destiny)
Behemoth/Fred Flinders (Mammoth + Blob)
Hylidae/Mortimer O'Jeneus (Gizmo + Toad)
Hypno/Vincent Seemore (See-More + Mesmero)
BurneSt. John Wyck (Effigy + Pyro)
Alchema/Selinda Petrakis (Shimmer + Avalanche)
Judgment Day/Davis Marko (Doomsday + Juggernaut)
Phobia MasteAngela Wyngarde (Phobia + Mastermind)
This team constantly goes to war against the X-Patrol and their Teen Mutants team. Some members are also apart of the secret mutant group, The Apocalypse Society. (Doom Patrol + X-Men)
(New Teen Titans + New Mutants)
(Secret Society of Super Villains + Horsemen of the Apocalypse)
THE SAVAGES: (The Outlaws + Savage Avengers/Thunderbolts 2013)
Agent Red/Jason Thompson (Red Hood + Agent Venom)
U.S. Amazon/Artemis Walker (Artemis + U.S.Agent)
Brunt/Richards Kent (Bizarro + Brute)
Poolnoodle/Wade "Eel" O'Brien (Plastic Man + Deadpool)
Ninjutsu/Elektra Yamaahiro (Katana+ Elektra Natchios)
El Fantasma/Chato Reyes (El Diablo/Chato Santana + Ghost RideRobbie Reyes)
ExecutioneAdrian Castle (Vigilante/Adrian Chase + Punisher)
Armory/Roy Rhodes (Arsenal + War Machine)
Ka-Mandi/Travis Plunder (Warlord/Kamandi + Ka-Zar)
Huli Jing (Cheshire + Domino)
Deathclaw/Slade Howlett (Deathstroke + Wolverine)
Red General/Wade Ross (The General + Red Hulk)
Though not a supervillain team, it's still a lethal team but consisting of anti-heroes.

Strap in, it's a long one. TL;DR at the end and I have a question at the end for the good folks of Reddit.
As a set up to this crazy email my dad/DNA-Donor, I'll give a brief background of what he's like/how growing up was like. Long version is here. My father and mother were always religious. Fundamentalist Christian, the extreme ones, that hate Harry Potter and Fantasy things because 'they come from the Devil!'. Couldn't listen to radio, watch most things on tv, and science was wrong. My 'dad' was the pick and chose type of christian, whereas he was always right and god said so. He doesn't agree with divorce, says that's not what god says you can do, so when my mom left him, it wasn't real, and once she is 'right with God, she would go back to him (my dad)'. So you know, just a little bit of an ego.
A quick way to describe his parenting style aside from extreme christian, it would be that he wanted the picture perfect family without any of the work of making it so, and to be the best christian helper at the church we went to. But we (the kids) never saw him, and he didn't help with our food, power, or rent situations. We had to move SO much because we couldn't afford staying in the place we were at.
After my mom left him, she converted to being a Christian Jew (yes, it is odd). But by then, I was done with religion. It didn't make sense, it could be changed far too easily, and if every religion said they were the one true religion, then no matter what, everyone is wrong and we're all doomed. So I've been non-religious since turning 18 (34 now) as soon as I could no longer be forced to go to churches or reading bibles. I've since learned that I'm bi-sexual and A-gendered (don't care what gender I am/what/how I am called), and since Christians don't typically like that, I've not bothered telling my 'dad' about it. I know he will go on a rant and rampage and rage at me, my mom, and my brothers. I haven't seen my dna-donor in over 9/10? years. And he would literally just show up for a day or so, take us out to eat and try to connect with us briefly, and then leave again. (We live in the USA and he's from Canada). He can sort of see what we are doing on facebook, and what little bits we're willing to tell him directly, but we've not bothered trying to keep the communication lines open. He sent emails to my mom at the end of march (only recently discovered) concerning myself, my younger brother (32M), and youngest brother (26M, AFAB). And it's the craziest thing I've read in a long time. Here is the direct thing, names changed/altered to keep privacy.
[Dearest (my mom):
Where to start... Well, I guess asking for news might be a good start. I’ve looked at the FB page for her store, and I know she is slowly recovering from the robbery. Has she shared anything with you recently about how it’s been affecting her? Has she visited you lately? Does she visit on a regular basis? How well do (middle brother) and (youngest brother) get along with her?
Now, to the “meat” of this email... As I mentioned for (middle brother) , I know that OP made a profession of faith at Abundant Live Assembly, in probably 97 or 98. Has she kept up with the faith? I know that the first time I visited you in Virginia, she was pretty into the whole Messianic Jewish stuff, even showing her friend and I, at the meal after the service, how she had tassels tied to the corners of her jeans, because of it.
But I get the feeling she is not currently living for God... I can’t pinpoint anything precise for that subjective statement. However, I do know that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34, Luke 6:45)... and the way she swears does concern me... I first became aware of it one time I was visiting and we went to watch a movie. She was one or two rows ahead of us, and you threw a few kernels of popcorn at her, and she called you a “fuckhead!” I didn’t say anything at the time, as I didn’t want to start an argument, and I didn’t want you to think I was questioning your parenting skills, or anything like that... Then she spent a few years with no contact. I even found her on Yahoo Messenger, and asked her a question I had for her. She answered the question, then told me to not try to contact her again.
It was only at your mother’s funerals that we spoke again. At that time, she warned me to not be surprised to hear her swear, as she apparently swears a lot, but would try to tone it down for the day (it almost sounded like she was bothered by it, and maybe embarrassed that I would find out, but maybe I was imagining things...) Anyway, she told me how when she plays online RPGs, the Elf language consists of swearing a lot, and people were amazed at how “fluent” she was in the language...
So of course, I am concerned about her spiritual well-being... Do you know anything about where she stands with God?
Another thing she told me, that day, was that she had wanted to write me a letter, as she had “issues with the way we raised her...” So she took down my email address, to send it to me later. (She later lost that email, but took the time to look me up on Facebook, which was an unexpected surprise... I guess she really did want to renew our ties, to a certain degree...) In the end, she never sent me anything like what she mentioned, so I don’t know what her feelings are on the subject. Did she ever mention anything to you, about “the way we raised her” ? Do you have any idea what that might have been about?
One more concern I have about her, is whether something happened, whether spiritually or physically, at the school she was going to when you guys were still in Montreal. At the end of the 2001-2002 school year, she had been saying that if they said she had not learned enough French, she wanted to continue learning. Yet when she went to school the following fall, she came back, during the very first week, wanting nothing more to do with French, and couldn’t wait for you guys to leave for the States. Whereas she had asked me for help with homework in the previous school year, now that she was at a new school (a high-school) and (middle brother) was still in the old school (an elementary school), she didn’t want my help, and barely put in any effort on her homework at all. She also didn’t seem to like her new (male, this time) teacher. So I’ve always wondered if something happened at that new school, whether in the physical or spiritual realm. Has she ever spoken to you about that? Do you have any idea what might have changed her outlook that radically in just a few days at her new school? I’m worried that if something happened in the spiritual realm, and it has never been dealt with, it may still be affecting her today, on an unconscious level. Any idea?
That’s all I can think of, for now. Thank you for your time.
Love always,]
The whole '97/'98 proclamation thing: I was 8. An 8 year old who had just seen 'A Thief in the Night' series about the end times and the rapture (scared the shit out of me). The 2001-2002 thing was me discovering that I was depressed and dissociating. I hated being in a city where you HAD to learn the language and if you didn't, you were looked down on and scorned. Also, there was nothing for us to do as we couldn't go out, nothing to watch (extreme Christians remember), and no one around our ages to hang out with where we lived. I didn't want to live there, and by the time the second year of being there, I was tired of the whole thing. I stopped doing homework, and technically failed 7th grade because literally every aspect of it was in french, even the art, gym, and math.
I stopped trying to talk with him and reconnect with dna-donor when I realized he didn't think women should be allowed to divorce their spouses. Even if the man was abusive or it was to help her, because 'they should work it out together' instead. And when I realized that, I realized that I did not want to associate with someone who would allow another person to be abused and hurt if their god said so.
So my question, do I respond to the email with a full list of what has happened and how I've changed? If I do, this will 200% mean that he will try and 'convert' me back, rant at my mom, rant at me, and be 1,000% more annoying. But it would be SO satisfying.
TL;DR: Crazy Fundamentalist Christian Father worried that I (Bi-sexual A-gender atheist) isn't with God and wants to know what has been going on after not doing anything like that for 10+ years. Should I tell him straight up or not bother as he would never change?
Also, the emails he sent about my brothers are just as bad. Though I only know what they are by paraphrasing from my mom. If this isn't meant to be here, please let me know.

My (28F) father in law (65M) recently had a major health scare last year and he had a stroke. Excessive drinking, smoking and poor health habits, gave him extremely high BP, which led to a stroke. He has been on an upward path this last year, quitting it all, until he recently told my husband and I that he will be drinking at the next family gathering.
For context, most of his life he has been an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. He is extremely stubborn and he has ruined most of the relationships with those around him. These habits contributed to his divorce several years ago. He is very polite and kind to my husband and I, but my husband has expressed to me that his Dad was a mean drunk growing up, and so the position he is in (being alone and sad) are all due to his poor choices. My husband does love his Dad and has not held the past against him, as his Dad does not get belligerent anymore. Most experiences are pleasant, despite his awful habits.
Following the stroke, my husband and I have helped with preparing meals, organizing medications, doctors visits, etc. During this time my father-in-law adopted healthier habits. He cleaned his house (which was filthy and in hoarder condition), completely quit drinking, smoking, and began eating very healthy. However, he is now at a point where he can do normal things on his own again.
He recently disclosed to us that at the next upcoming family get together, he is going to be drinking.
I am anxious because drinking is what leads him to wanting to smoke. Also, he used to smoke in the house he lives in. I say “the” house, because I need to include, my husband OWNS the house my father-in-law lives in, and he already asked him not to smoke in it. My father-in-law did it anyway, because again, he is very stubborn and will only do things the way he wants. I could not stand being over there due to the smell, and the disrespect towards my husband’s wishes adds to my frustration.
I am worried that when my father-in-law has those first few sips at this upcoming get together, it will lead him right back to his regular habits of heavy drinking and smoking (in the house) everyday. My father-in-law feels drinking is required in order to have an enjoyable time, but he then pushes my husband to do participate. Fortunately, because my husband knows the negative consequences of alcohol, he rarely ever drinks and when he does, he does his best to limit himself. My father-in-law has made multiple comments towards me that he “feels my husband should enjoy himself”. but he feels this way only because it benefits HIM. In the instances my husband drinks too much, we end up arguing. I have even told my father-in-law this. He doesn’t care, because he didn’t care in his own marriage, which is a huge reason it failed. I feel he views me as a wife controlling her husband’s drinking, but my husband choosing to limit himself is our compromise and what works for our marriage. My father-in-law only makes comments like this to me when my husband isn’t around, and my husband does not like that he does this.
Added context, I do not drink at all, as I grew up with a very mean, alcoholic father, who is actually an even worse alcoholic now. I do not like being around ANYONE who is drunk, simply because of the unpredictable nature of it. I can handle people being buzzed from a few drinks to enjoy themselves, but I can’t handle people being drunk. My husband is super supportive and understanding towards this.
Am I wrong with feeling resentful towards my father-in-law? I am worried resentment will creep in when I see my father-in-law drinking and potentially smoking at this gathering. I’m completely aware I can’t control the choices of anyone, including my father-in-law, but it feels so disrespectful considering we bent over backwards to help him get back into good health, just for him to potentially jump ship and go back to his old ways.
TL;DR- I am worried about getting resentful towards my father-in-law at a family gathering for going back to his old habits, right after having a stroke, due to those habits.