Female physical exam

So, gimme your best tips and things to remember please and thank you 🙏

Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for the NOP Universe.
Hey, I hope everyone's doing well!
Today we return to the namesake of this fic, an actual lesson about animals. This one focuses on Koalas! One of Australia's most recognisable critters. I hope you enjoy.
It's hardly worth mentioning, seeing as I'm an infrequent poster at the best of times, but I'll not have another chapter out for a few weeks due to limited free time and devoting most of my writing time to an upcoming ficnapping. Be sure to look out for that!
[First] [Previous] [Next]
Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [Standardised human time]: 8th September 2136
“Koalas!”
Bernard’s energised voice boomed through the air as the classroom's monitor flickered into life, images of this paws lecture topic popping up one after the other until the entire screen was filled with a collage of furry quadrupeds.
Squee! I’ll never get tired of this, it’s all so cool!
As usual the sight of something new stirred immediate discussion, hushed murmurs swelling into vibrant discourse in little more than a heartbeat. Most of the class swiftly huddled together into small herds to bounce ideas around while the rest opted to stick to the solace of their own thoughts as they took in the display.
I’d be quite happy in either situation, though seeing as Sandi had already sunk into deep concentration and Kailo had peeled off to talk with Ennerif and Solenk, it seemed the decision had been made for me on this occasion. Wasting no more time on idle inspection of the people around me, I focused my full attention forward, eager to form first impressions before the lesson began in earnest.
Now then, time to make some educated guesses. What traits does this animal have? I wonder if I’ll get any right this paw?
Professional assumptions went paw-in-paw with the lectures, examining and coming up with hypotheses about the specimens was only natural. Recently however, I’d started to make a little game of it to make things even more interesting than usual. A veritable bonfire of ideas had been set ablaze within me, fueled by my newfound knowledge of Earthen wildlife. Every flash and spark of the flame was a fresh theory I could try to apply to the lectures. It was an invigorating exercise that further stoked my unceasing wonderment.
So far I’d only done this once during the previous class and, to my disappointment, I’d not done too well.
I was right when I guessed that chickens were omnivores, but wrong in my assumption that they could fly. And that red thing on their head, the um… what was it called? The comb! Yes, the comb. I thought that was to attract mates, but it regulates body heat instead. It’s fascinating. Oh! Stars damn it I’m rambling!
I bapped my tail against my leg, the soft thud being just enough to snap me back from my runaway thoughts before I went completely wall-eyed. I was becoming more and more accustomed to getting lost in my own head while remaining conscious of the fact; it was happening so frequently now that it was pretty much impossible not to. Now I was able to pull myself back to the world around me without having to rely on someone else shaking me out of it. Most of the time anyway.
Sandi still keeps an eye on me, and Kailo even decided to help out once without being too snide about it. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Koalas.
Glancing at the furred animals, two things immediately stood out. Firstly, their eyes were in a more central position on their face. And second, all the images showed them being on or close to trees. There were other noteworthy observations of course, such as the Koala’s prominent nose and rounded features, but they fell to the wayside as I honed in on these points first.
Hmmm… ok. I already know to discount the idea that they’re predators just from eye position, so let’s get that thought out of here. Maybe omnivorous? Herbivore? Agh no, I can’t just guess that for the sake of guessing, that’s the same problem! Hrm, it’s tough making these assumptions now that everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head.
Nevermind, I’ll focus on the other thing. All the trees make me think they’re arboreal, that seems to be a reasonable assumption. I wonder what else they-
Clearing his throat, Bernard broke my concentration, his call for attention silencing the murmuring conversation and redirecting everyone's focus to the lecturer's podium.
His gaze panned across the room as he waited for everyone to settle, a beaming smile lighting up his face, “As ever I’m delighted to see you all get so into the subject matter from the get go. I’m looking forward to hearing what you were discussing should you wish to share. For now though, how about we get started, hm?”
A chorus of merry bleats rang out from across the audience, ears and tails flicking happily in agreement. Bernard's grin grew in tandem with the class's fervour, clasping his hands together enthusiastically as he launched into the lesson, “Excellent! Then let’s get started.”
The pictures on screen dissolved away until only one remained, enlarging to cover the entire monitor with the fluffy grey face of a Koala peacefully reclining in the crook of a tree.
“Ah, there we are,” Bernard’s baritone timbre drifted through the room as he looked up at the image, his own tone reflecting the relaxed attitude of the animal on screen, “He looks so comfortable doesn’t he? Perfectly at peace with the world, not too surprising considering they sleep almost 20 hours a day. A full paw!”
A wave of beeps and gasps rippled through the herd, punctuated by a single yawn-dressed comment from Rova, “A full paw? Hwuuu… jealous.”
Her drowsy remark elicited several whistling giggles from the herd, Bernard's own jovial chortle joining them as he turned to face her, “Late evening Rova?”
I twisted a little in my seat, panning an eye in Rova’s direction just in time to see her bleary eyes bulge open and her ears shoot up, now intensely aware of the fact she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had.
Sitting up abruptly, she hastily tapped down errant tufts of wool that’d flared in surprise as she composed herself, though her nervousness at becoming the centre of the class's attention was still plain for all to hear, “Uh- I um… achem, a little bit yes, um- …sorry. Lokki dragged me out to a movie viewing in the rec centre. It went on pretty late.”
A melodramatic bray from the other side of the room drew everyone's ears away from Rova to the now aghast Lokki, paw splayed across his chest in faux indignation, “Dragged you? Well excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons with human movies. That’ll be the list time I- …Ahaaaa…”
Lokki’s theatrics were cut short by a heavy yawn of his own, a swell of whistling laughter rolling through the herd as vibrant bloom lit up his snout, a sight that elicited a particularly amused bleat from Rova.
Turning away from the duo I looked back at Bernard, pleased to see that he was chuckling along with us. Behaviour like Lokki’s would never have been tolerated in my school and university days but, in stark contrast, Bernard revelled in it, the liveliness of his students fueling his own bombastic style of teaching. It was a pleasant change of pace having a teacher who let us all be ourselves in class; provided we weren’t too disruptive to the lesson plan.
Speaking of which.
His laughter still rumbling through the air, Bernard clapped his hands to pull everyone's focus back to him, “Ok, ok, let’s get back to it then shall we? Rova. Lokki. Hopefully the two of you can stay awake long enough until you can grab yourselves a coffee.”
As the class settled down and the last few giggling beeps petered out, Benard pointed a hand to the screen, “So, the Koala. Let’s start simple shall we? They are herbivorous marsupials native to the eastern and southern coasts of Australia. Easily recognised the world over, they are a well known and beloved symbol of their homeland, along with other animals such as the Kangaroo and the Emu. The former of which you might remember from one of our earlier lectures.”
Indeed I did remember, along with how angry Bernard had gotten after some speh-head had derided the Yotul after he explained how he held specific disdain for such attitudes.
Uuuggghh… I never want to see him angry again. So chilling.
I shook my ears in an effort to dismiss the unpleasant memory, panning my eyes back to the monitor to try and distract myself by inspecting the Koala’s physical appearance once more. Thankfully, by some Star's blessed intervention, Bernard had the exact same idea.
“Koala’s are rather squat in stature, ranging around sixty to eighty-five centimetres in length and weighing little more than fifteen to sixteen kilograms at their full size. As you can see, the fur of this fellow before you is a lovely silvery grey, but their fur can also sport a chocolaty brown hue as well. Arguably the most distinctive part of their appearance is their head, being rather large for their body size and having rounded ears, a large nose, and a pair of small eyes. These are often brown but variations do occur.”
It didn’t slip past my notice that Bernard didn’t bother to point out that the Koala’s eyes were forward facing. I didn’t think he’d simply forgotten, so perhaps he just felt it wasn’t necessary given that he’d already stated it was herbivorous. Either way, no one stuck up a paw or tail to question him.
“Now this will hardly be surprising considering how long they sleep, but Koala’s are largely sedentary and it’s rather easy to see why when you have a look into the contents of their diet.”
With the press of a button the Koala on screen was replaced by images of vibrant green vegetation. Soaring trees and flowering shrubbery weaved together across landscape framed pictures pulled admiring trills from the herd, the diversity of the plant life being shown standing as a reminder that it wasn’t only animal life that flourished on Earth.
After giving everyone the chance to take in the picturesque scenes, Bernard casually hammered that point home, “This is eucalyptus or, more accurately, a choice selection of more than 700 plants belonging to the eucalyptus genus, though the Koala itself favours 30 of them in particular.”
700!? Stars…
Realising that my ears had drooped in my momentary awe, I twisted them back to tune into the lesson, only for them to splay out in shock at the next words to come out of Bernard's mouth.
“The leaves of these plants are the primary food source of the Koala and there are a couple things worth mentioning when talking about these plants. For starters they do not have much nutritional or caloric value, leading to the Koala’s low-energy lifestyle. Additionally, they contain toxic compounds.”
A shiver instantly ran through the herd, ears flicking rapidly in confusion and alarm followed by a few quizzical whispers. It didn’t take long for someone to decide to give a proper voice to the murmuring.
“Excuse me Doctor. Did we hear that right? Their diet is made up of toxic flora?” Vlek’s grumbling incredulity cut through the herd's mutterings with ease. Until Kailo’s recent change of heart, the fifty something rotation old blonde Venlil had been a close second in terms of scepticism. Mercifully his rebuttals had always been relevant questions as opposed to ranting diatribes, so he at least remained on topic if nothing else.
Bernard nodded in confirmation, smiling back at Vlek while absentmindedly twirling the end of his moustache, “You heard me right, they do indeed consume plants that are toxic. Just not to them.”
Any worry or uncertainty still clinging to the herd was swept away by the provision of the glaringly obvious answer, leaving me chuckling inwardly at the oversight.
Ah of course! The plant might be poisonous but they’ll have evolved to deal with that. Stars… I’m so used to expecting the unexpected with Earth that I didn’t even consider the simplest solution.
“I see, thank you Doctor,” Vlek replied, a tinge of interest still audible in his tone, “I assume they’ve developed some adaptation to become immune to the harmful effects?”
The question immediately evoked a smirk from our teacher, but he hurriedly suppressed it while bobbing his head, “They have indeed. There are several factors that aid in their digestion of eucalyptus leaves without succumbing to the plant's baleful properties. The first is a part of the intestinal tract called the cecum. It contains a microbiome that allows the Koala to digest the eucalyptus. Coupled with this is an enzyme in the Koala’s liver that helps them break down the toxins. They are also capable of sniffing out the plants with the least amount of toxins, ensuring that they ingest as little as possible.”
Pausing for a breath Bernard looked back at the screen before turning to face us, another grin curling at the edges of his mouth as he continued with his explanation, “This is mostly for adult Koala’s, because while their young also possess these same adaptations, they don’t just go straight to munching through foliage right after being born. No, they need a little help making that jump and getting a stomach full of all that good gut bacteria. It’s nothing bad, but those of a sensitive stomach may wish to prepare themselves for this next part.”
Bernard’s assurances did little to assuage the concern that his warning had foisted upon us. Having been exposed to so much of the weirdness Earth had to offer everyone always ended up on edge whenever Bernard gave advice like this, even if he did say it in jest.
What strange nonsense thing do Koala pups do then? Judging by the way he’s acting it probably isn’t something as simple as drinking milk from the mother. Hmmm…
“So,” Bernard began, snapping us from our pensive stupor, “Young Koala’s, known as joeys, have a gestation period of thirty-five days on average, which is approximately forty-two paws. Once born they travel from the birth canal to a pouch in their mother so that they can continue to develop and grow. In the pouch the joey finds and latches onto one of two teats and these provide the newborn with a steady stream of nourishing milk. It spends the next six to seven months growing in the pouch, its eyes, ears, and fur all developing as time goes on.”
Okay, interesting. But this is exactly how I thought it’d go. What’s different?
The unexpected normalcy of the Koala’s birth and growth cycle had calmed everyone's nerves, only to be replaced with an air of suspicion as we waited with rapt attention for Bernard to drop the other claw and upend our expectations like he always did.
Not wanting to keep us in further suspense he forged ahead, the tempo of his voice picking up as the smile started to crease his face once more, “Now to make the switch from milk to eucalyptus, the mother also feeds the joey a substance called pap. It comes from the cecum I mentioned earlier, and contains all the gut bacteria required to help the young Koala in making the switch to eucalyptus.”
He stopped and looked around, searching us for a reaction to what I felt was a rather bland statement of fact. What was it he was saying without actually saying? Koala pups drink milk to mature and then include this pap substance so that they can start eating plants. I don’t see what-
The cecum is part of the intestine.
I blinked.
I blinked again, the intrusive interruption scouring my brain clean of any other thought bar the one it’d just implanted itself in the forefront of my mind.
Oh stars. They-
“They eat their own poop!?”
The shocked bleat shattered the peace of the room to reveal that most if not all of us had come to the same tail curling conclusion. As the hall filled with unrestrained vocalisations of disgust, an ‘Ugh’ over here and a ‘Blegh’ over there, Bernard’s own bellowing laughter joined the throng of voices.
“Ha! Everytime! Each and every time. Clearly it doesn’t matter if my students are Human or Venlil. Whenever someone learns about the Koala’s dietary development the reaction is the same!”
Pleased with himself beyond reason, Bernard chuckled away while the rest of us grappled with this ghastly reality. While there were plenty of animals that feasted on things that ranged from simply unappealing all the way to the stomach churningly grotesque, I’d never heard of an animal that actively consumed the excrement of its own species. Benefits aside, the prospect of having to do that to survive to adulthood sent a shiver of revulsion down my spine.
Ewww… Stars, I hope I forget this feeling by 2nd meal. They’re serving sturen and magamroot stew later. I was really looking forward to it.
With the herds mood beginning to temper Bernard tapped the podiums controls, removing the verdant collage of eucalyptus to display several similar yet distinct environments, still chortling merrily to himself in the process, “Ok then, with that little foray into their diet complete, why don’t we look at their habitat in more detail? As you might imagine given their diet and arboreal nature, Koala’s live in forested regions, and can be found in tropical and temperate zones. About a century ago they were classed as a vulnerable species, however efforts were made to turn this around and increase their numbers. Sadly the largest factor in their decline was human activity, as the fertile lands that gave rise to their bountiful forests were coveted farm land for our settlements.”
It was strange to hear Bernard so matter of factly admit to humanity's negative impacts on other species. He’d alluded to such things in the past but always with an air of caution, carefully pawing the line between honestly answering a question while not painting humanity as uncaring and destructive. AKA, the ‘predators’ we’d all initially expected them to be.
Perhaps his comfort in making such admissions was a reflection of the class's comfort with him, for no one so much as batted an ear. Even Kailo, who I would’ve expected to jump at the chance to use this as a prime example of predatory danger, only flicked an ear in stern yet silent concern.
A cough from Bernard drew my attention back, a new picture on screen that showed a forest from a bird's-eye view. Drawn across the image were around a dozen ringed areas, some bordering one another while others overlapped to some degree. It took me a moment, but I soon recognised that what I was looking at was a map, the rings representing what I assumed to be territories. And it didn’t take much effort to guess who each one belonged to.
“From habitats we move onto behaviours, so let’s start with territories. Koala’s are solitary animals. Yes, despite being herbivores. Considering they’re only awake for roughly four hours of the day I can hardly blame them. Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it. Jokes aside, once they mature they are quite independent, carving out a little slice of land for themselves, as displayed in this example, called a Home Range. That is not to say they go it alone and leave everything else behind however. Rather, as shown in the map behind me, they live in their own space while still being part of a larger social group.”
With another press of his pad the picture was updated to show one of two symbols in each segment, along with a key to the side of the map displayed in helpful Venlang. A quick glance told me that the symbols were representing whether the territory belonged to a male or female of the species.
“As you can see there is quite a bit of overlap between different Koala’s territories. It is in these areas that most of the socialising takes place between neighbours. The trees in these locations represent the few areas where intrusion across territories is acceptable for the sake of social interaction. Outside of that the Koala’s stick to their own territories for the most part, with the exceptions of Koala’s who are passing through, attempting to become part of the social group themselves, or dominant males who sometimes go off into another Koala’s range. But how do they know where one range begins and another range ends you might ask? Well, this brings us onto the next part of the lecture. How do Koala’s communicate?”
Wiping away the map from the monitor, Bernard loaded up a video of a Koala sitting in a tree and pressed play. Head held high, the Koala’s body shook as it belted out a reverberating call into the wilderness that could only be described as a garbled combination of a car engine failing to turn over mixed with the hiccups of someone with a particularly sore throat.
That’s how they sound? Oof that must be rough on the lungs.
I clearly wasn’t the only one to share such a thought, because I clocked Sandi tracing a paw along her neck as the noise went on, ears fluttering in discomfort at the noise.
Bernard himself cleared his own throat as the video came to an end, minimising it and replacing it with another image of a tree with a Koala rubbing up against the bark, “I think they’ve got me beat on who’s got the deeper voice!”
His joke garnered several amused beeps, a rare reaction that caused a beaming smile to shine across his face at lighting speed, “Oh you’re too kind. I’ll be here all week. Now where were we? Oh yes! Communication. As you’ve just heard, Koala’s are capable of loud low pitched bellows that can carry over vast distances. These express everything from ‘Hello I’m over here’ to ‘This is my turf, stay away’. Bellowing is more common in the males than the females, opting for shouting matches as opposed to outright fights when it comes to asserting dominance. Other vocal expressions include grunts, wails, and snarls if they’re acting particularly angsty. Mother and joey pairs also communicate through gentle clicking, squeaking, and murmuring sounds. And there’s one more thing worth mentioning. Something they have in common with Humans and Venlil when it comes to emoting.”
Really? They do something we do?
Curious, I pressed myself against the desk, straining as close as I could to once more scrutinise the Koala’s features. Not a lot stood out to me at first, the grey marsupial not sharing many similarities with a Venlil that I could identify.
Ok think. We show emotion with our ears, tails, and our wool on occasion. They don’t have tails so it’s obviously not that. Wool standing on end is more a reaction than a conscious expression. So it must be the ears then.
To my quiet satisfaction, my hunch was soon validated by Bernard, “As well as their vocalisations, Koala’s are very emotive through their facial features. Just like humans, they use their mouths and lips to show how they feel, but these tend more towards the aggressive side of the scale than what you might see on a human. Regarding yourselves however, Koala’s utilise their ears in tandem with their mouth movements when showing strong emotion.”
I was delighted to hear that my assumption was correct, a little happy flick twisting out through my tail and bapping against my chair with a muted thump against the plastic.
Hehe yes! Got one right!
“Now then, we are getting close to lunchtime so I’ll finish this segment off with something I think you’ll find particularly interesting. Diplomacy.”
Perplexed mutterings followed in the wake of the bizarre inclusion to the lecture, my own thoughts being dominated by bewilderment as I tried and failed to make sense of how the two could possibly be related.
Why would Koala’s, or any animal for that matter, be linked to diplomacy? Hmmm...
I could understand dispatching exterminators to deal with a predator issue as a show of goodwill, that at least includes animals, but Humans aren’t like that so I think I can safely scratch that off the list.
Maybe the humans who live in that region benefited from Koala’s in some way. Could they have gotten something from them? But what?
Hopefully not what the pups get from their mothers.
Agh no! Begone awful intrusive thoughts. Blegh! I don’t need that in my head.
As I wrestled with the short-lived revulsion inflicted upon me by my Star's damned subconscious, Bernard placed a new image on screen, one that was decidedly different from all that had preceded it.
On screen were more than a couple dozen pictures of humans. Some were pictured alone while others congregated in large groups while cameras surrounded them from all angles. Across all the images, I noted two common themes. First of all, a solid majority of the humans were wearing formal wear similar to what I’d seen worn by UN representatives on TV. If the gaggle of journalists in the background of the photos didn’t already confirm my suspicions, then it was this similarity which made me conclude they were all people of some importance. Likely politicians judging from context clues.
Secondly, each of the individuals was interacting with a Koala in some form. Some cradled one against their chests while others were feeding it eucalyptus leaves or pellets of some kind. One of the assumed politicians had become an impromptu bed for a snoozing bundle of fur, a gleeful smile spread across their face as they lovingly gazed down at the sleeping Koala in their lap.
As I continued to stare at the assorted photos something clicked into place, a sudden spark flickering into life. A burgeoning light of comprehension that flared and swelled with every wide-eyed breath I took. Some things still escaped me, things I hoped would soon be explained, but in staring at all of the humans happy smiling faces, I was struck with an instant of pure understanding.
If someone, say a Nevok for instance, offered to gift me a creature that was common to them but which might exotic and breathtaking to a Venlil, how could my feelings not be swayed? How could I walk away from that encounter and not have grown closer to them as a result?
“Koala diplomacy,” Bernard waved his hand up at the monitor, a slight reverence in his tone, “My favourite kind of soft power diplomacy. Where political leaders take photo ops with Koala’s and, on occasion, the Australian government loans Koala’s to other nations for a time to bolster positive relations. It certainly helps that Koala’s are a beloved animal worldwide, drawing large crowds and revenue for countries fortunate enough to host the adorable critters.”
The truly alien concept predictably sparked instant discussion in the herd, two polar opposite schools of thought swiftly cementing themselves as the most popular opinions. Simultaneously, I heard one voice trill excitedly while another scoffed at what they clearly saw as a ridiculous and offensive notion.
“Squee! That’d be so cool! I’d love to get the chance to see a Liri from Coila. Remember the Rainbow Boa? Think of that shimmering effect and colour but put it on a bird! Ah! I’ve only heard their song on video. It’d be a treat to hear it in person!”
Ooo! I’ve read about them! I’d love to get up close to one.
“Loaning. As if animals are property to be hoarded and traded? Pugh! Another predatory trait the humans don’t want to acknowledge for what it is.”
Ugh, typical. Jump right to the worst possible option.
However, despite my dismissal of their disparaging fumings, an uncomfortable thought pressed upon my mind. While it was plain to see how much humans cared for the Koala, it didn’t change the fact that humans did keep animals as property just as the scornful herd member had said.
This begged a rather important, disquieting question. Aside from keeping some animals as cattle, a stomach tightening minefield I had no desire to step a claw onto right now, how else did humans keep other creatures. And how did they treat them?
Before I was fully conscious of doing it my paw was in the air, the question primed on my tongue.
Noticing my elevated paw Bernard pointed at me, smiling warmly, “Yes Rysel? What’s on your mind?”
Sorry Bernard. I hope this one’s not too awkward for you to answer.
Flicking my ear in appreciation, and waiting for everyone to settle enough so that I could be heard, I voiced my concerns as neutrally as possible, “Thank you Doctor. I uh, just had a thought. We know that humans keep certain animals for… particular reasons, and we know why. From how you’ve spoken about Koala’s I think it's fair to say that the same cannot be said for them. However, this makes me wonder, what other reasons do humans have for keeping animals and how do you treat them?”
A flash of surprise blinked across Bernard's eyes but vanished so quickly that it felt like I’d imagined it. Had he not expected such a question? Maybe he was just shocked that it’d been me who’d ended up asking it?
Stars, am I so predictable that no one expects me to ask difficult questions?
Unfortunately, a quick glance at my deskmates seemed to prove that to be the case, as both Sandi and Kailo were looking at me with differing degrees of astonishment flapping in their ears.
Well speh.
“A very good point Rysel, certainly one that’s worth raising. Yet another example of you all anticipating what I have to say before I can bring it up myself.” Bernard tapped the podium, switching off the monitor before returning his focus to me, “We won’t be needing that. I’ve nothing prepared that I can show you and we’re heading to lunch in a few minutes anyway. Still, that’s plenty of time to give you a bit of an answer.”
A bit? What does he mean just a bit?
Made even more curious by Bernard's preempted admission that he wasn’t going to fully answer my query, I dialled both my ears on him, fixing him with an inquisitive stare as he started to explain with a tone that was noticeably more nonchalant than any of his previous explanations.
“So, animals in captivity for reasons other than what you already know. Honestly I would love to delve into other reasons regarding why we keep animals. However, I have a lesson plan in the works that I hope to share with you all in the not too distant future. Some of it touches upon this very topic and I’d quite like to bundle it all together. That said, I can tell you how animals in captivity are treated. In short, the answer is very well. There are a mountain of laws both on private and public interests that govern the standards and ethical treatment of animals, and breaches of these laws are quite severe even for relatively minor infractions.”
While I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the vague answer to what was really the bulk of my question, I was at least satisfied by Bernard’s assurances that animals in captivity, such as the Koala, were well looked after. Considering the barely subdued grumbling coming from some corners of the audience it was clear that several of the herd didn’t believe Bernard outright, but I trusted him to be honest. Additionally, the mention of an upcoming lecture focused on humans keeping animals caused quite the buzz.
I felt a mix of excitement and trepidation at exploring the topic further. He’d pretty much confirmed we wouldn’t be talking about cattle farms, for which I was relieved, but that still left a huge amount of uncertainty in what was to come.
Humans keeping animals as cattle was a forgone conclusion. As horrifying as that reality was, it was one I could understand from a detached and strictly clinical point of view. Being predators they ate meat and therefore they kept cattle. But the concept of keeping animals for any other reason baffled me.
What could be the purpose? The diplomacy thing makes sense now that I have context, but what other reasons could they have.
The class's discussions were interrupted by the recognisable ring of the break bell, the shift in attention eliciting a change in conversation from confused hypotheses to peppy conversation on how everyone was planning to spend their break and what they had in mind for 2nd meal.
“Well I can see everyone’s excited for lunch, and who am I to disappoint,” chuckling Bernard waved us all up from our seats, pocketing his pad from the podium and heading to open the classroom door for us, “Enjoy your break, get a good rest along with a hearty meal, and I’ll see you all back here at the usual time.”
As everyone else filed out I stayed behind, waving at Sandi and Kailo as they left, and pawing over to Bernard once he and I were the only ones left in the room.
Ears folded down and with an apologetic tinge in my voice I greeted him as I sidled up to him, “Hey Bernard, I uh… sorry if that last question was unexpected.”
Chortling in reply, Bernard waved a hand through the air in a sign I’d come to understand meant ‘not a problem’.
“No need to apologise Rysel. It was a good question and most certainly not a problem.”
Heh, called it.
I sighed, allowing tension I didn’t realise I’d been holding to relax itself from my shoulders, “Phew, that’s a relief. I’m glad. I’m curious to hear what this new lesson is you’ve got in store for us by the way.”
Bernard wagged a finger at me, throwing up his eyebrows in mock amazement, “Oh are you now? Well I’m afraid you’ll have to remain curious for the time being. It’s going to be quite the surprise if all goes to plan. But…”
He trailed off, glancing at me before looking to the door like he was making sure no one else was around.
Wait, is he going to tell me? Oh please yes let me know now!
Stopping myself from jumping on the spot in excited anticipation, and trying my damndest to stop my tail from wagging in equal measure, I stared up at Bernard as he stewed in his thoughts before turning back to face me.
“I can’t tell you the specifics, but I’m working with Alejandro and Tolim to get something together. A trip that’s not a trip as it were. And when it happens, I’m going to need a few of the more accepting members of the class to lend me a hand. I’m hoping you and a couple others will be able to help with that?”
A trip that’s not a trip? What does that mean? Agh who cares about that right now! Bernard’s relying on me to help out!
Still trying not to keep myself from bouncing around with pup like glee I swished my tail and nodded my head in joint agreement, happy to help with whatever Bernard had in store for us, “Of course! Anything you need I’ll be there to lend a paw. You can count on me!”
A broad warm smile lit up Bernard's face, a hand patting me on the shoulder in appreciation, “Thank you Rysel. I knew I could rely on you but it still warms my heart to hear it. And, as thanks for this and for the many times you’ve shown your support, the surprise includes a little something special I think you’d appreciate the most.”
If my earlier enthusiasm had been at a nine, then the implication of a supposed gift sent it rocketing all the way to a hundred in a heartbeat.
“Wait… WHAT!? What do you mean? What are you doing?”
As impossible as it seemed, Bernard's grin grew even wider as I almost lost myself in wool shaking exhilaration, “Call it my own form of Koala diplomacy. But I’m afraid that’s all I can say for now. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise even for you!”
“Oh you ass!” Whistling jovially I bapped my tail against Bernard’s leg in fake indignation, evoking a barking bellowing laugh from the man himself.
Still laughing, the two of us departed the class and made for the canteen, my rumbling stomach leading me on while my mind spun with fantastical thoughts as to what Bernard had prepared for us.
And what specifically he had in store for me.

After 8 months of waiting I finally have an appointment booked for mid july with an endo specialist. I have really bad pain on my period and lots of other textbook endo symptoms- worst is horrible pain during sex/vaginal exams so Im so nervous about the chance of that!
I've been tracking my period, my symptoms, my other occurrences of pain and related issues in a physical book and have recent trackers on my health phone app too.
This was just a bit of context, my question is for anyone who has been through the process of starting with a specialist? I know the appt is a few months away but im currently ✨suffering✨ and trying to figure out what to say! Any advice would be great ❤️

This is about my Mom. She's a 78 year old female. Nonsmoker. Hypertension, which she is medicated for and a hx of anxiety and depression which occurred following the sudden death of my father in 2010. She was prescribed Effexor at that time and was titrated off it it in 2021. Had no issues discontinuing the med. She came down with a upper respiratory infection in late March. She was given two antibiotics that caused significant GI distress which ended up with an ER visit due to concerns about dehydration. Her potassium was a touch low (she was given an oral supplement in the ER) and she was given fluids. Urinalysis done at the ER discovered a UTI (>100,000 CFU/mL Enterococcus faecalis). She had no UTI symptoms. She was prescribed macrobid and took as prescribed. There was a delay in the initiation of the antibiotics due to her not receiving a call about these results for over a week. She also had rapid onset of anxiety and depression following this ER visit, both of which were so severe, she was unable to function. We scheduled an appt with a psychiatrist and she was started back on effexor. Her psychiatrist expressed concern about the UTI possibly still being present and my mom had a repeat urinalysis. Her results were abnormal but the cultures are normal. While the acute anxiety has decreased and she is able to function better, she is still not acting like herself. I'm concerned about the abnormalities on the urinalysis...should I be? I cannot shake the feeling that there is something physical underlying this decompensation in her behavioral health.
URINE CULTURE Value 35,000 CFU/mL Mixed Commensal Flora
Macroscopic results were all WNL except: -LEUKOCYTES Normal value: Negative WBCs/uL Value Moderate Abnormal
Microscopic results that were abnormal: -WBCS Normal range: below <11.0 /hpf Value 12.0 High
-SQUAMOUS EPITHELIAL CELLS Normal value: Occasional or less /lpf Value Few Abnormal
Thoughts? Thank you in advance!!

I'm 20F and wanna date someone older not only physical looking for emotionl connection as well. Do older guys like dating younger female

Want to preface this by saying this is a very rare incident and does not represent the actions of the homeless community by and large (who I’ve had lovely interactions with in Oxford and are very respectful and dealing with a lot of shit I can’t begin to imagine.
But wanted to give a warning for a scam (not sure if that’s the right word), I’ve been witness to / heard about twice now. Same guy who lingers outside Tesco on Magd Street- I’d say mid 30s who is very pushy and quite twitchy. First time he targeted my young F friend who offered to get him a hot drink and lunch. He insisted she get him cash (which she didn’t have). She said she couldn’t withdraw cash as she didn’t have her physical card. He frog marched her to NatWest to make a withdrawal using her ID. Surprisingly despite it being very uncomfortable and coercive the bank staff allowed her to withdraw money. She said she’d give him £10 but he kept hassling for more then wouldn’t give her the change he’d offered to exchange. In the end tried to take £30 off her (he got £20) and she was nearly in tears feeling unsafe.
We’ve just seen him at it again watching over the shoulder of a girl at the ATM at Tesco. I was with the same friend he scammed the first time and she wanted to stop it happening to someone else. We approached her and asked if she was okay and comfortable with withdrawing cash or if she felt pressured - he was not happy we were checking on her. After a couple of attempts to stay with her she sheepishly said she was okay and the guy seemed pretty insistent we left. Again he was supposed to take a £20 from her and give her some coins back. Lo and behold he takes the £20 and legs it. We followed him to Gloucester Green and watched him hand over the note for drugs a few minutes later (genuinely).
I don’t say any of this to diminish the plight of the homeless community and as I say I always try to help if I can with a hot drink, umbrella or lunch. But I’ve watched this guy coerce young female students twice now and left them both £20 down and nearly in tears. If someone is making you feel unsafe it’s okay to say no I’m sorry I can’t help.

Hey and hi! I previously posted these Character Chats in order to fill the void when the comic was on involuntary hiatus, and I'm pleased to hear that it was received positively and people were asking for more. I couldn't really commit to it once the hiatus was over, since I've got a job and all. But good news, my whole team got laid off! I've got a lot more time on my hands now, so I think I'll keep this series going for a few weeks on Tuesdays and Thursdays or so. If anyone complains about me surfing reddit at work during my notice period... well, what are they gonna do, fire me?
Today my giant novely ouija board has selected Prince Aaronev Tarvek Sturmvoraus. Our first Spark, and first main character, but somehow our third Valois out of five picks.
Tarvek is a member of the large and complicated Valois family tree, descended from our pal Andronicus Valois, the Storm King. He is the son of Prince Aaronev Sturmvoraus VI of Sturmhalten and an unknown mother, and the older brother of Anevka Sturmvoraus. He and Anevka share the same grandmother with the von Bliztengaard siblings and Violetta, making them all cousins. The Selnikovs may also be close family members, as their main residence is in Sturmhalten. Tarvek also calls Zulenna a cousin at one point.
The Storm King conspiracy among the Fifty Families was said to be fizzling out in the time before the comic, but the Mongfish family (i.e. Lucrezia) got involved and whipped them all into shape. Besides making most of the Knights of Jove Lucrezia loyalists, part of this involvment was ensuring there was a suitable male heir to the Storm King using Spark sceince, which ended up producing, at minimum, Tarvek and Martellus von Blitzengaard. The degree to which Tarvek's mother was involved and consenting is unknown. While we don't know how much was done, Tarvek is a powerful Spark, physically fit, and quite intelligent, so mission accomplished I suppose (though Tarvek does wear these tiny pince-nez around, so he may have poor vision - nice going, Lucrezia).
We don't have a family tree or anything, so we need to take the story's word that Tarvek's claim for being a direct heir of Andronicus is one of the most direct, if not the strongest overall. Two of the strongest claimants, Tarvek and Martellus, share a grandmother, so presumably their legitimacy is either through her or her late husband. Grandmama is once referred to with the title "Dowager Princess of Sturmhalten", it's possible Aaronev inherited his title as Prince of Sturmhalten by being her son. On the other hand, Tarvek also says that his descent comes down through his mother, so maybe she's Grandmama's child instead? Or it's wrong to trace back things to this set of grandparents after all? The family tree is thrown for another loop when Orotine declares Martellus a third-place heir rather than the commonly assumed second-place, so now who's in second place and how's that guy related to Tarvek's family tree, and... it's at this point I throw up my hands in exasperation.
Tarvek spent some of his early childhood as a political hostage on Castle Wulfenbach, being raised with other hostages by von Pinn. Tarvek recalls this time fondly, and in particular became good friends with Gil, whose identity was still hidden. When the two of them were hunting for secrets, hoping to discover Gil's lineage, they discover a red-herring left by the Baron. While Tarvek didn't buy it and tried to dig further, he got caught. Along with some snitching from Gil, this got him expelled from the Castle. Of course, everyone was spying abord the Castle, and Tarvek was just the only one kicked out. My assumption is that the Baron wasn't worried about Gil's identity being exposed, but didn't approve of Gil getting close with Tarvek for one reason or another and arranged to destroy the friendship.
He spent his remaining childhood in Sturmhalten, where he was wrapped up in family scheming, including Aaronev's schemes with the Other. Besides Aaronev, he also spent time with Anevka and Violetta during this period, and received some Smoke Knight training. He later goes to Paris for his higher education, where he was a good student and made friendships with influential young people like Colette and Neena. He was also involuntarily dragged into Gil's college adventures, where he became, uh, "acquainted" with disreputable characters like Bangladesh Dupree and Zola. He's called back to Sturmhalten after completing his education.
As a young adult, Tarvek's goals are initially to learn all he can from the Other conspiracy in Sturmhalten, destroy them afterwards, use this knowledge to overthrow the Baron, become Storm King, get the Fifty Families under control, and bring peace and prosperity to his new empire. However, Aaronev is in charge in Sturmhalten, and has different ideas. Tarvek detests his father and the Other conspiracy he's involved with, but cooperates with them to stay in their good graces and learn all he can. Tarvek attempts to act as a moderating influence on Aaronev, but Aaronev is too far gone to pull back. Aaronev ends up capturing nearly all the young female Sparks in Europa beneath the Baron's nose, and destroys them utterly trying to implant copies of Lucrezia into their minds, while Tarvek doesn't do much more than watch.
Aaronev eventually subjects his daughter Anevka to the treatment, nearly killing her. The Circus of Adventure happens to be in town, and as an expert on the Muses, Tarvek recognizes Tinka as a van Rijn original when she performs. Tarvek has his men abduct Tinka, and uses her as the basis for building a masterpiece clank which would connect to Anevka's mind and allow her to move and speak while her body was comatose. For what it's worth, he does try to pay the Circus after the fact, but they naturally ran like hell out of town. Tinka is eventually damaged beyond his ability to repair by Aaronev.
After this, he also conspires (or pretends to conspire) with Anevka to use her clank body's voice box to imitate Lucrezia's ability to command revenants, and use that ability to overthrow Aaronev and the Baron. When the Circus comes back to town with Agatha in tow, she's found out as Lucrezia's daughter at a show, with more beans being spilled later when Agatha's drugged with a truth serum. Aaronev tries to throw her in the Lucrezia-machine, but Anevka launches her coup right then, and finalizes her voice box by studying Agatha's own voice. Tarvek, having fallen for Agatha basically immediately, attempts to smuggle Agatha out of town under Anevka's nose, but the Geisters eventually get Lucrezia in her head anyway.
Tarvek, at this point, wants to integrate Agatha into his plan to use Other technology to usurp the Baron, which means keeping her safely at his side. This means both cooperating with Lucrezia to learn from her to begin with and protect Agatha's body, and also sabotaging Agatha's efforts at surrendering herself to the Baron for the greater good. One his deals with Lucrezia is making a clank head imprinted with a Lucrezia copy, designed to fit onto Avenka's clank body. Tarvek lures in Anevka for Lucrezia, and after some back-and-forth betrayals, eventually deactivates Anevka's head and puts her in storage, essentially killing her for the time being. Juggling Agatha, Lucrezia, and now a second Lucrezia proves too much for Tarvek once the Baron's troops arrive in Sturmhalten, and he ends up slashed in the gut, shot, and abandoned in the ensuing chaos.
Tarvek ends up in the Great Hospital in Mechanicsburg, as one of many of the injured from Sturmhalten. Violetta, who had been assigned to Mechanicsburg by Tarvek to keep her out of the proverbial firing line, manages to get him out of custody in the hospital... but inside of Castle Heterodyne instead, which is something of a lateral move. After connecting up with Agatha, Taevek comes down with Hogfarb's Respelendent Immolation, either due to traipsing about Castle Heterodyne of all places while wounded, or, Tarvek speculates, as a poisoning attempt from his own extended family. Gil is recruited to help with curing him, and after extensive bickering, infections, distractions, complications, and one apotheosis, he's back in good health. Tarvek attempts to help fix the Castle, and aid Agatha however he can, including fighting with Lucrezia and Vole, and attempting to strangle Zola. His bickering with Gil during this time mostly puts him on the defensive and has Tarvek trying to justify his actions, but he eventually does has a quiet epiphany.
He eventually gets grabbed by Other in a case of mistaken identity, and his quick analytical skills wind up placing him in charge of the Wulfenbach fleet's grand strategy temporarily - it's at gunpoint, but Boris assesses that he's really doing what's in the best interest of the Empire. He has to scurry off when Klaus comes onto the scene, placing him in a perfect position to recruit the Empire's Vespiary Squad and their weasels when Klaus turns on them. Notably, he risks life and limb rescuing a squad member, who he needs of course, but also Jorgi, who mostly annoys him. He sends the Vespiary Squad to hiding places abroad. As the battle for Mechanicsburg wraps up, Tarvek ends up stabbed with a poisoned dagger by Martellus just before the time-stop.
Post time-skip, Gil dedicates extensive resources towards getting Tarvek out of the time stop. Tarvek isn't able to do much before being kidnapped by the Immortal Library, and then kidnapped by Mister Obsidian on behalf of Grandmama. He does manage to breathe a bit in Paris, before being kidnapped by Mister Obsidian again on behalf of Seffie, to be sent to England. But en route aboard a pirate vessel, he's (shockingly) interrupted by a kidnapping attempt, this time for Grandmama again. Martellus sent assassins after Tarvek to interrupt the interruption, leading to bloody battle between Seffie's pirates, Grandmama's Smoke Knights, Martellus' Knights of the Hunt, and poor Tarvek. After being rescued by Gil, Tarvek flips the script, and he and Bang kidnap Gil instead, changing course to England.
In England, he can finally, you know, not get kidnapped for a bit. He decides to join Agatha in the Royal Society, and despite nearly getting strangled by Higgs, manages to reach Agatha and help work on curing her of Lucrezia, and curing Gil of Klaus. After interminable delays like a undersea cult, briefly seeing beyond time, punching Tweedle, and a revenant attack, they eventually pull it all off.
Later, in the war against the Polar Lords, Tarvek is essentially given the role of Gil's official treacherous vizier. On paper, helping the Empire helps keep him safe to further his own ambitions, but in practice, Tarvek seems more focused on doing good by his friends than anything to do with becoming Storm King.
Whew! And that's the short synopsis!
As a Spark, Tarvek's specialty is masterwork clanks in the van Rijn mold. His Anevka clank maintains full sentience even after any organic parts it was attached to died off, and continues to be used by Lucrezia to devastating effect. He also has a knack for rapid analysis, such as being able to understand the Wulfenbach fleet's strategy with just a glance. It's possible his political aptitude, scheming skills and ability to anticipate people's actions are a byproduct of his spark, but it may also just be the natural result of his upbringing. He is unusually composed for a Spark, and is very rarely seen in the Madness Place, and never for very long.
Beyond the Spark and his cunning, Tarvek also received some Smoke Knight training, making him skilled in martial arts and sleight of hand. That said, he'd prefer not to get in fights, and his first resort use his Spark or guile to get out safely (his second resort is just shooting them, with a gun). He also has a passion for fashion design, particularly lady's fashion.
Besides his conquer-Europa ambitions, Tarvek seems primarily driven to help and protect the people he loves, but his preferred tactics for doing so are often underhanded, or screw over people that he doesn't particularly love. Tarvek is the kind of guy who has to come to the conclusion that mind-control slavery is bad in general, rather than bad for people I know. He does come to that conclusion on his own, so kudos for that, but for a lot of people it's not even something you have to think about. Tarvek is also quick to use "they'd kill me if I tried, I had no choice" as a defense, but never quite understands that there was always a choice available he didn't consider - die trying. That all said, Tarvek is in generally improving his character over time, and wants to do the right thing, both in the "greater good" sense and doing right by other people individually, and finds himself frustrated at himself that he's often failed. I don't want to discuss Tarvek's ethics too much further here, since there's a great deal to talk about and this is supposed to be a discussion thread! Why do I have to do all the work?
Major Relationships:

• Agatha: Tarvek fell for Agatha pretty damn hard, internally logging her as "future bride", and even at his scummiest times in Sturmhalten was trying to act in her best interest, and just ignoring what she actually wanted and also fucking it up anyway. By the time of the Castle arc, Tarvek has mostly thrown away all of his own ambitions in favor of working for Agatha's, even in moments when he feels pretty hopeless about his actual prospects as a suitor. One major advantage in his court is that he's able to actually articulate his feelings like an adult.
  
• Gil: It's been a true roller coaster for these two, from friends to enemies to rivals to allies to secret lovers. It takes a great deal of bonding for their distrust of one another to fall away, and after the time skip Tarvek lists Agatha and Gil (and, by implication, Violetta) as the only people left he really cares about, and the two of them spend a lot more time hugging than you would have expected.
  
• Violetta: Tarvek spent a good deal of his childhood with Violetta, and earnestly tried to protect her. In natural early-Tarvek style, it was by ignoring her wishes and leaving her in the dark, but points for trying. They have a bickering siblings type of relationship, and Violetta is fine trash talking him despite the power imbalance between them. Tarvek is pretty disappointed that he's rebuffed when trying to sincerely express that he's glad she's alive, since she expects childish taunts out of him.
  
• Aaronev: Tarvek really hates Aaronev for all the horrible things he's done, especially for putting Anevka through the machine, and spends about two seconds mourning after he's killed. Tarvek had been play-acting as a loyal son for years, and it's a bit tragic that Aaronev bought his act wholesale - what little interaction we see suggests that Aaronev, scumbag that he is, did really like Tarvek.
  
• Anevka: Tarvek did not take it well when it seemed Anevka was going to die, and went to extreme measures to save her. But Tarvek doesn't assign the same level of personhood to the Anevka clank after the original Anevka dies (he's generally not the best at the whole "clanks are people too" concept), and eventually "kills" her by turning her off and throwing her head in a box, where she probably still remains if Sturmhalten hasn't been razed to the ground.
  
• Lucrezia: While most people hate the Other on a conceptual level, Tarvek has spent enough time with her to really begin to hate her on a personal level. He's aware of her foibles, such as her susceptibility to flattery, and tries to take advantage when he can. His more personal knowledge also makes him better able to detect when Lucrezia is taking over for Agatha than most.
  
• Higgs: Like many, Tarvek cottons on that Higgs has a secret in Castle Heterodyne. Tarvek does try to keep it under his hat and make excuses on his behalf, but can't resist teasing Higgs despite him being incredibly dangerous. Tarvek openly confronting Higgs about his identity later on nearly gets him strangled to death. Despite that, Tarvek and Higgs have formed a good rapport, and have solid mutual respect. He's even one of the people Tarvek pours his heart out to when he thinks Violetta is dead.
  
• Neena: Neena has a bit of a crush on Tarvek, and Tarvek for his part does some light flirting at the ball but otherwise doesn't think about her much at this point. It's an odd match for someone like Tarvek, since Neena is earnest, enthusiastic, and completely lacking in guile. Maybe that's exactly what someone like him needs - stranger things have happened!
  
• Martellus: As two men aiming for the same throne, Martellus and Tarvek are natural enemies. Tarvek obviously dislikes Martellus - and even gets a good punch in - but doesn't take any moves to stop Martellus' forward momentum, and makes no moves towards legitimizing his claim as Storm King beyond not being dead. His strategy may be to just give Martellus enough rope to hang himself with, but it may also show genuine disinterest in this whole Storm King business.
  

What is the right approach for this situation ? TLDR - Self Sabotage ,Student , haven't studied for past 7 years . Now can't read properly and understand text.
Story goes like this - Never Studied in life (the way and actual student studies , just listened in class and went tuition and just opened books before exams and still got very high marks so everybody started expecting a lot from me . That was my whole identity like I was the guy who just scores good marks . But in reality I didn't even put 10% effort what an ideal student does and feel guilty about that , about not working hard and wasting time . I believe it was luck because sometimes what I read before exams only that questions came and now my luck has run out . So have to resort to hardwork . Here comes the real problem as I never learnt how to learn i am facing problem to learn now. Along with this I have a lot of bad habits . Extreme Procrastination , 24×7 Mobile phone , social media overuse , doom scrolling and just wasting time watching movies and TV . This continues since past 7-8 years . Completely. Close to 2920 days . That's a lot of time I have wasted . My greatest vice is porn and masturbation addiction. I have tried to quit cold turkey or by willpower but can't last more than 2-3 days and fall back to same pattern for months . I think due to combination of all these habits my brain has fried completely and now I can't even read properly. I can't even watch a YouTube video properly anymore . I just doom scroll and sleep and eat . No physical exercise. I tried going to gym for 4 months but it didn't help one bit or maybe my approach was wrong. Now I have again fallen into bad eating habits and gained weight (120KGS). This is no way life should be lived. I want to be happy and proud of myself for just one day in my life before I due where I don't hate and despise myself . I am a 20 years old guy from India . The worst situation is I know what to do. I just don't do it even though I know what to do . Now I know no one can do it for me and I have to do it myself but I couldn't. Watched 1000 of self help videos, didn't apply anything and still am same . Bought self help books but didn't read a single page . Have wasted a lot of money of my parents but they still support me so I have to do something good for them for once in my lifetime . I know I want to change and how to change and what to change. But I just don't do it . I am stuck in a very dangerous loop . Guilt shame and regret has consumed me with self hatred . Why do I do this self sabotage and how can I get started from today ? Have went to doctors multiple times and taken meds but didn't help so have decided to do this myself .

What is the right approach for this situation ? TLDR - Self Sabotage ,Student , haven't studied for past 7 years . Now can't read properly and understand text.
Story goes like this - Never Studied in life (the way and actual student studies , just listened in class and went tuition and just opened books before exams and still got very high marks so everybody started expecting a lot from me . That was my whole identity like I was the guy who just scores good marks . But in reality I didn't even put 10% effort what an ideal student does and feel guilty about that , about not working hard and wasting time . I believe it was luck because sometimes what I read before exams only that questions came and now my luck has run out . So have to resort to hardwork . Here comes the real problem as I never learnt how to learn i am facing problem to learn now. Along with this I have a lot of bad habits . Extreme Procrastination , 24×7 Mobile phone , social media overuse , doom scrolling and just wasting time watching movies and TV . This continues since past 7-8 years . Completely. Close to 2920 days . That's a lot of time I have wasted . My greatest vice is porn and masturbation addiction. I have tried to quit cold turkey or by willpower but can't last more than 2-3 days and fall back to same pattern for months . I think due to combination of all these habits my brain has fried completely and now I can't even read properly. I can't even watch a YouTube video properly anymore . I just doom scroll and sleep and eat . No physical exercise. I tried going to gym for 4 months but it didn't help one bit or maybe my approach was wrong. Now I have again fallen into bad eating habits and gained weight (120KGS). This is no way life should be lived. I want to be happy and proud of myself for just one day in my life before I due where I don't hate and despise myself . I am a 20 years old guy from India . The worst situation is I know what to do. I just don't do it even though I know what to do . Now I know no one can do it for me and I have to do it myself but I couldn't. Watched 1000 of self help videos, didn't apply anything and still am same . Bought self help books but didn't read a single page . Have wasted a lot of money of my parents but they still support me so I have to do something good for them for once in my lifetime . I know I want to change and how to change and what to change. But I just don't do it . I am stuck in a very dangerous loop . Guilt shame and regret has consumed me with self hatred . Why do I do this self sabotage and how can I get started from today ? Have went to doctors multiple times and taken meds but didn't help so have decided to do this myself .

Ok, so in my head I feel like a read nurses being RN, something else, and then 10 other nursing titles - which I realise is prolly wrong and I'm only certain about reading about two, maybe three different nursing titles. I dont know if these titles are related to different types of education or if they are related to different types of authorisations or whatever else.
In Norway nursing education is a 3 year bachelor, I know there's atleast one other alternative but it's mostly about duration of education and not about method of it.
Def. forgetting something here, but first year in my school is nursing theories/academia, anatomy, physiology and microbiology, and pathology, with a clinical/practice in geriatric care, second year is public health and clinical nursing and two practice, one in medical unit and another in surgical, and then third year is home nursing and psychiatry practice and preparing for writing a bachelors.
Now, I simply wanted to ask what my Norwegian nursing education was equal to in US (and/or UK)-terms, and what other versions there are.
But now I also wanted to add a thought about nurses value - which to be clear is massive and our importance is equally massive. But I always felt at unease of nursing ego, both during education and also nurses I've met in work.
People say nurses aren't doctors assistants, but for me it seems we are in many ways the extention of the doctors plan and care for the patient. "But, we know the patient and recognise the most subtle signs of patients getting worse, we stop the docs from making mistakes" etc. etc.
I get it, we are important, but in somatics I've never seen anything other than us being an extention of the doctors presence. Doctors could relatively quickly learn nursing skills whereas no nurse could quickly learn doctor skills. Whenever I asked questions throughout the education or in practice, I might get an adequate answer within the first or second question, but very quickly I got to the "idk, ask a doctor" - which I respect, but worse, nurses pretending to understand the answer to my question and giving a poor reply.
My 12 year old child easily did all the medication exams, calculating dosage, strength, volume, infusjon speed etc. etc., yet I hear nurses talking about how complex math skills one need.
I get it, there's no need for us to go through medical school to do our work, I'm just tired of the percieved arrogance. I had a theory about part of it was due to wanting to lift the status of female dominated occupations, which kinda got underlined when we had a class on the importance of feminism and the value of women in the work space, but I might be wrong.
Nurses have never given me answers that made me feel more prepared to understand complex bedside situations, but doctors have.
I feel like nurses learn words and sentences, which we gradually forget as one would forget sentences prepared for a vacation to a foreign country, whereas docs learn the language and the grammar so deep that they wont forget it anymore than they forget their own language.

Hey everyone,
Although we do our best to make the rules of this subreddit as clear as we can within the characters limits, we notice that sometimes there’s some confusion or misunderstanding about the rules.
In this post we want to clarify the most common misconceptions about rule number 4, comments about appearance and/or any sexual comments are not allowed
Zero tolerance for comments about appearance that are unrelated to the poster's piercing(s). For example physical features, perceived flaws, beauty and/or any sexual comments. Offending users will be banned.
This subreddit is about piercings and we want all the people posting here to show off their piercings feel secure and safe in that the only topic of discussion will be their piercings.
Misconception number one, the rule only applies to unkind, rude, insulting or lewd comments not related to the featured piercing(s)
Wrong. the rule applies to all comments unrelated to the featured piercings. It doesn’t matter if your comment was meant in kindness or as a compliment. Simply assume that the people posting on a piercing subreddit want to show of and talk about piercings and they are fully capable of finding suitable subreddits if they want to receive comments about their appearance.
Misconception number two the rule is gendered.
Wrong, just like piercings aren’t gendered, neither is this rule. It doesn’t matter what gender OP has, or what the gender is of the one commenting, the rule applies to and for everyone. If you break down the demographics of this subreddit most likely there are more female identifying posters then male identifying posters, but all deserve to feel safe in knowing that their piercings are the only topic of discussion.
Can I ask……?
Yes, you may ask what brand or colour the lipstick is that’s visible in the photo.
Yes, you may ask what hair products someone uses for their curls, how they got their eye liner so perfect, who the tattoo artist is of that amazing tattoo that’s visible in the photo or what watch brand that is or how the cat is called.
Rule of thumb, if it’s visible in the photo and it is something OP applied or added to themselves you may (politely) inquire about it.
The advice we actually dislike to give, because it shouldn’t be needed. If you are posting a photo, consider (temporarily) disabling DM’s. Of course moderators can and certainly will act on comments that break this rule (so don't hesitate to use the report button) but we cannot intervene on chat and DM. Do report those as well though.
Report Chat
Report DM
We regularly see comments noticing how kind and welcoming this community is, and we want to thank you for creating and contributing to that atmosphere. As moderators we try our best to keep it that way but we do rely on your help for that. So if you see a post or comment that doesn’t follow the rules of this subreddit, please hit the report button. We simply cannot read every post or comment so we rely on your input to keep this community awesome.

When I was younger I could go outside for hours in warm or even hot weather, without a problem from what I can recall.
Then as I got older, my health, both mental and physical, dropped like a stone.
To my knowledge I was never at 300lbs or anything but I was never into sports or that much into fitness either.
Now I’m headed toward my 40s, absolutely miserable in hot weather… and Chosen Dad and Sis suspect thyroid issues which I won’t say might not be part of it, but I suspect my anxiety while growing up trapped with the Ns probably either caused or didn’t help whatever this is.
I know I need to eventually see a physician but I had a dental emergency that’s yanked me in that direction for the past year or so.
Then I only just got done finally working up the motivation to get a medical appointment with a new doc within the last month or so…when I learned something was wrong with my already cheapest of the dirt cheap insurance. 🤦‍♀️
Thanks to this, I’ve had to postpone said appointment right on the heels of finally making the stupid thing, but I figured I’d do a little research here while I had time anyway.
For context, I’m female, struggle with things like major anxiety, fatigue and more and my medical history is a joke thanks to the Ns who “legally acquired” me.
Thoughts?

I (16M) am going to computing science school in my european country. And I have some shit with electricity to calculate (resistance etc.). Now this shit shouldn't be here, because I don't need it. I don't need to know how much resistance some led lamp has. I don't need it and I don't give a shit about it.
I already failed the school year. It was mostly, because of me neglecting my studies. And I failed this subject last year. And now I'm redoing this shit and I can't understand 20% of shit. There are some rules to how to calculate, BUT THEY DON'T FUCKING APPLY TO IT. I am having an exam tommorow, I studied 7 hours 2 days before, just to understand that I will fail.
I already disappointed myself with failing school year. It hasn't been depresive, but now it will become. I am trying my best to understand it, but you know I'm fucked, so I'll probably fail the school year, because of this bullshit again.
Nobody and nothing couldn't help me with this. I am not dumb, I am able to fast learn and not forget it. This is bullshit. My other classes are going really well comparing to this bullshit.
So, I will just disappoint my parents again and they will be ashamed of me. Even I am ashamed of myself. I don't have any mental support. I ussually don't cry, but now I'm crying while typing this.
I will be known to people as person who was a failure. I don't know what to do. I am not physically strong for any kind of physical job.
I don't know what to do (Ik I've said it one time before). Most of my other classes are B's or C's, and only this one will be F. At the moment, I got one B in this subject. I don't wanna be depressed, but I think it will eventually happen.
And don't even tell me that I am negative thinking, it's not negativity it's reality.
And I also don't have any female friends, who could've (maybe) helped me with this. Parents aren't prepared to support me mentally.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
That will be a long and chaotic post, I'll try to organise it somehow but it's all complex.
My partner (39M) and I (female, turning 30 this Friday) have been together for 2.5 year and always been good communicators, but in the last few months things have been getting haywire and completely out of control, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
We both come from a cPTSD background (sexual and physical abuse, being raised by narcissistic mothers, homelessness), mine is sadly worse due to extra abuse suffered from partners and some workplaces, also doing some occasional sex work for food when homeless. Basically, thanks to capitalism (yay), I have never felt safe in my life, even after moving 3000km away from my abusive family - basically every morning I wake up wondering if I still have a job and whether I won't get evicted.
I went through some cPTSD therapy (EMDR as well) before meeting him and I thought I fixed myself, but the relationship unleashed new hell on me. I fully acknowledge I started the problems, as I've severely violated his boundaries several times and didn't see the pattern until we've had several horrendous arguments. Part of this was because my partner has been raised to always bottle things up and people please, so I never really know if he means something is not a problem or he just doesn't want to say it and it will blow out weeks or months later.
Anyway, we worked through the worst problems, when he got more knowledge about the extent of my trauma and some very toxic things I was made to believe where normal, he acknowledges that I don't perpetuate some patterns consciously. I signed up to therapy (despite it being a huge financial burden), I do all I can to control myself, be very nice to him, spend quality time together etc.
HOWEVER. I work in an extremely toxic environment where the goalposts are moving every single day, there's a fuckton of manipulation, what boss says is not what he means, workers are pitted against each other etc. The workplace is actively re-traumatising me daily, but I need to keep this job for several reasons. My partner knows it. And yet, he blames me for having meltdowns, and it always follows the same pattern. Just to give you an example, from today:

• I've been verbally abused for 6h straight by 15 people at work, so when my partner told me in a rather disappointed tone "Well, you HAVE TO keep on attending therapy", I felt like he's attacking me for not doing enough.
• I got triggered but recognised I'm spiralling out into a full-blown panic attack, so I went downstairs and told him "Look, I know you wanted to encourage me that therapy is the right thing, but the way you worded it triggered me, because it felt like (description here of how my mother would use semantics to trick me into fake feeling of safety and then abuse me". I've been getting extremely triggered (and still having another few hours of getting berated at work) so I started actually screaming my explanation at him without realising it, BUT without any blaming, names etc.
• He got all triggered and said I berate him and accuse him of being like my narcissistic mother, that all is always his fault etc. and then went into his trauma response. His trauma response is completely shutting down and getting mad, and any attempts of explaining the situation are "excuses, lies, attacks" etc.
• Seeing where it's going and not wanting another week-long argument right before a lovely b-day weekend we had planned, I tried to get through to him, reassure him that nobody is blaming him, that I specifically said I'm triggered to let him know I have a trauma reaction, that I try to provide data so that he understands why I got so triggered by a sentence he meant as reassurance. I apologised for screaming, explained I didn't realise I was yelling, tried to get through to him. But he just started bringing back up all the problems we've already worked through, said I always CHOOSE to abuse him, that I always punish him for being too good to me, that clearly the therapy is not working because I can't control myself (I've just started, after 30 years of difficult life with no help!), that nothing ever is my fault, that trauma is not an excuse. I tried to point out to him that he's having a trauma response as well and that why I always try to use safe words, non-accusation wording, provide him with more data etc. I pointed out to him that I like to know about his triggers to avoid setting them off, and that's why I try to explain my triggers to him too, even though the yelling was clearly wrong. And he just took it as more personal attack and started yelling how I choose to attack him whenever things go right, how I'm a liar, manipulator, abuser, I chose to have a meltdown, he doesn't need therapy because it's just me ruining everything etc. and stormed out, swearing, saying how I'm ruining his life. He also got mad at my therapist because they "provide me with more excuses" because they said I'm in fact being so re-traumatised at work I have stress levels as if I was at war.

I don't know how to get to him. I try my very best to address 30 years of severe abuse, but right now the dynamic is shifting towards "Every single thing in our relationship is your fault, I don't have any trauma responses" and I really don't like that dynamic. But when I try to bring that up, he gets even madder. He also doesn't cool down when left alone, just spirals out more and more.
He's ADHD (diagnosed), I'm autistic + cPTSD + chronic pain (also diagnosed).
Again, apologies for this massive rant, I just feel so confused and alone. It's like he's becoming a completely different person than the one I've loved, and I feel like I'm no longer allowed to have any negative emotions / reactions because suddenly it's all "abuse".

Every since I was a kid, my parents told me that if I worked hard and applied myself in anything in life, I would see a positive result. I studied hard and applied myself in school, always underachieved because of anxiety. Spent months working out to enter the military... the night before the physical exams I suffered severe physical symptoms of anxiety like diarrhea, vomit, sweating and didn't sleep even for an hour, in the morning I didn't have the strenght needed to do the simplest exercises during the exam. I had to retake my driving exam twice because I failed right after 3-4 minutes after starting due to being nervous.
I am so tired of working my ass off so it doesn't pay off in the end, I have lost all drive to study because I already know anxiety will fuck me up. Even with medication and therapy, I still can't perform to my full potential.
You may say I have high expectations of myself and I should lower them, but my expectations are based on the feedback on others. My teachers, my mom and grandma (both teachers), driving instructor, etc.. they were the ones that gave their honest feedback on my potential and I based my expectations based on that.
The times I actually performed according to my abilities, was when it didn't matter if I got a good grade or not. I just didn't care and would go to tests and exams relaxed (or a normal state of mind). I don't know what to do with my life, I'll get out of university without a degree and just the thought of looking for a job stresses me out.

I am so sorry for how long this is, but there's quite a bit to cover.
I am a 28F mechanic who works for a rather large dealership in my city. I love my job, I love working on cars, and I love the men that I work with. It's like having an army of brothers that would do anything for me, and I have genuinely never had such a wonderful and supportive workplace environment.
Until "Collin" (26M) started about 6 weeks ago.
Before I start with him, I want to tell you about my "superpower." When I was very, very young, my mother noticed that I had this uncanny ability to detect "bad" people. Even as a toddler, there were certain people I didn't want near me or holding me for seemingly no reason. If they tried, I would scream until they left me alone. If said people tried to pick me up anyway, she'd snatch me away from them and tell them that I said no and to leave me alone. When they'd ask why or push that I "didn't know what [I] wanted," she'd shut them down and say that me not wanting that was reason enough. She's never, ever questioned my "ability" and instead leaned into it and helped me nurture it (especially after certain charges came out about a previous church member that I was uncomfortable around).
Back to Collin. Obviously, that's not his real name, but what is real about him is how... creepy he is. It was evident to me the moment I first met him, but I didn't want to come off as judgemental. My "superpower" has never been wrong, but I have a problem setting boundaries when I'm on the clock because I never want to be the "problem child" for a company. As the only female mechanic, I'm even more aware of that, so I tend to walk on eggshells out of fear of being treated differently.
With Collin, it's a little hard to explain, but to start, he's got personal space issues. As in, I have an issue with how little he respects my personal space. An example: I keep snacks in one of my toolbox drawers for when I and my teammates are too busy to stop and eat a proper lunch. A few days ago, I was bent over and fishing around for a protein bar when I felt him walk up behind me. Of all the angles he could've approached me from, he picked directly behind me and got so close that I felt him brush up against my butt. I immediately shot up and told him to back the fuck up. He tried to play it off as an accident, but I told him, quite loudly, that it's not an accident to sneak up on someone like that and touch them. When he saw a few of my coworkers looking over at us, he quietly made a comment about me overreacting, and walked away.
A few days before that, as I was working on a car, he came up to my toolbox and just took an impact gun. It wasn't mine; I was borrowing someone else's because mine was being repaired. So I stopped him and told him to put it back. He asked me why. This was weird to me because, as far as he knew, it was mine and if I said no, he should've just left it at that. So, I said, "Because it's not yours and I said no. Please put it back." "It's not yours either," is what he said. He tried to walk away with it. At this point, I physically stepped in front of him and said "All the more reason for you not to take it. It isn't mine to lend out. Please put it back." He then asked me if he had a problem sharing. I asked him if he had a problem with respecting boundaries.
Y'all... the look Collin gave me sent chills down my spine. At that moment, he glared at me like my ex did right before he put my head through a wall, and I was actually scared. I swallowed that fear and stood my ground, even though I just wanted to curl up and disappear. He must not be used to people standing up to him because he just sighed in annoyance and slammed the impact down on my bench, then walked away. He, thankfully, avoided me for the rest of the day.
Since those two situations have happened, I've asked for my friend/coworker, "Evan," to make a new group chat for that handful of us that hangout after work because I wasn't comfortable with Collin having access to my phone number. Evan had added him, without asking the rest of us, when they'd gone to a theme park together a few weeks prior. I'd opted out because I didn't want to hang out with Collin, but they used the group chat to communicate plans and such. Evan agreed to make a new group chat so that I feel safer.
Now, finally , the reason I am writing this post is because of what happened yesterday. I may have overreacted? My fiancé thinks I acted well within reason, but sometimes my anxiety makes me believe that I go overboard, even if I'm being perfectly rational. I'm not sure if that's the case here or not.
I caught Collin fishing around in my toolbox. Except, this time, it was the drawer that I keep my purse in. It's not a secret that it's there; every morning when I walk in, my coworkers see me put it in that specific drawer. I used to keep it with the snacks, but the men I work with are a little more old fashioned and won't even go near my purse, so they'd get hesitant when they saw it near the snacks. I moved drawers so they could freely grab food when I was too preoccupied to personally hand them something in order to avoid my purse. It was no bother to do so, but boy did it bother me when I saw Collin huddling over that drawer with my purse in it.
I shouted with my whole chest, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He immediately stood up and started mumbling about needing a certain tool, to which I bombarded him with questions like, "And you were just going to take it? That's not even where any of them are! Why were you going through my purse, you creep?" He couldn't keep up to answer any of my questions, but as far as I was concerned, he wouldn't have been able to come up with a good enough excuse because it's quite well known that that's the place where I keep my personal belongings. It got to the point where I was just yelling at him, and other coworkers had to come pull me away from Collin because I was getting increasingly aggressive. I was so mad, in fact, that I didn't even realize that he was getting aggressive too, and the reason why Evan and "Peter" had to pull me away is because Collin was getting in my face and calling me names. When I try to think about it now, I don't remember hearing that. I was so angry, that all I could really hear was the blood pumping in my body.
I had to sign a write up this morning. Absolutely fair, seeing as how I lost my shit and all professionalism in the workplace. I'm annoyed because this is my first write up, but management needs something to prove they "punished" me in some way for my behavior. What I'm not okay with is Collin telling people that I flew off the handle for no reason. Then this guy has the nerve to approach me today and tell me he forgave me for the way I treated him yesterday and that he hopes we can be friends in the future. I might be the asshole because I told him, calmly, that "I never want to be friends with someone who is so apathetic and disrespectful when it comes to boundaries and personal space" and that I'd appreciate it if he left me alone in the future. Now he's moping and saying I didn't even give him a chance before being a bitch to him.
Am I the asshole? Did I overreact?

Im 16, female and overweight, I really want to lose weight, fat to be specific, to make myself feel healthier and all but i have some trouble finding the right workout routine for me. Basically, since im still schooling, i dont have much spare time especially since i have my final exams this year. Type of workout im looking for are those that doesn't make that much noise, because my parents tend to mock/tease me when they find out im trying to exercise, which im quite insecure about. I dont have an accessible gym too unless i travel really far from my house. I have been using my bag for weights and so far instead of dumbbells (i only have one 5kg dumbbell at home, its too heavy for certain workouts like lateral raises). Any tips?

I'll be four years sober from alcohol this August and in a month I'll be graduating from an architectural drafting and design program. Maybe. Every semester I've been on the President's list with all A's or a B or two, but this semester I am worried I'm going to fail one or several of my classes and not graduate. I'm struggling with the material in two classes and with deadlines in my studio. It feels like everything I've worked for doesn't matter at all and I'm going to end up a failure.
Right now I'm on my way to a physics exam that is worth 20% of my grade. I'm likely going to fail. When I drank, I always grabbed shots during transfers on my bus commute. More and more when I go to campus I just really want to stop and grab a shot. I haven't felt like this about drinking at any point since I stopped in 2020.
Since I know this test isn't going to go well, any words of encouragement for the ride home are super appreciated. Also if you know any tips about conceptual physics, drop it in the chat.

I have a lot going on in my mind, but i dont know what to say, or dont have the energy.
My anxiety and depression started to severly affect my life 10 years ago for the first time, when i was 19. I am 29 now, had a great job that I just quit with the excuse of physical health issues (spinal cord/nerve issue makinh it harder for me to sit), but i think what i am suffering with is my mind. Been diagnosed with ADHD 5 months ago. So I've been voluntarily jobless for 2 months now.
I wanted to take a break for myself and get better. I wanted to travel and learn new things. But, just a month before my last day at work, I texted my ex to check how he is doing. He has tried to contact me over the past 4 years, but since all his communication seemed accusatory, I thought i was protecting myself by avoiding him. This was my only relationship, we were together (long distance) for 4 years. He was inconsistent and dishonest from the get go. He would lie to me about going out with his female friends, would talk to them for hours and ignore me. He always called me crazy for misunderstanding friendship, but you dont hide it from your partner if there's nothing wrong in what you are doing. He was always harsh with me when i wanted to discuss that it hurts me. I used to text him in panic sometimes, because i didnt know who else to contact when i didnt understand what i was going through. I was feeling suicidal, consistent panic attacks, and a volatile relationship did not help. He was abusive on calls, and never respected me. He would force me to do things, and threaten to stop talking if I didnt do them. And whenever i tried to walk away, he would come back asking to patch up, but the same pattern continued.
As i was having a hard time keepinh myself alive due to my mental health issues, i couldnt take the disrespect anymore, and said i wanted to leave him. I think he thought i would never leave anyway, and provoked me to block him. So in a fit of panic, i blocked him. He owed me a lot of money, so that is the last rhing i asked him to return out of spite. Then he started sending texts that i am doing this to torture him, that i love him and that he didnt understand why i would do this. But i was so anxious all the time, i just couldnt deal with it anymore. The few times i did pick up the call, he would say things like "tell me your decision now or i will decide what i will do with my life" implyinh he would kill himself. I told him i can redirect him to resources that can help, but that i cant be in the relationship because i dont feel safe anymore. He was always very unstable and never ready to have a proper conversation. So everything he said seemed like emotional manipulation. But everytime i read the texts he sent, about how awful and hopeless he felt after i blocked, i feel like i monster. I cant help but feel guilty about the way i dealt with it.
I went to therapy later, also had a phase of self-care when i was lookinh forward to my future, and then fell back to hectic work. But have been feeling extremely anxious and hopeless since August last year - that is when i reached out for a diagnosis and got diagnosed with ADHD in January.
I dont know what made me want to contact him, but after an episode of panic attack in March, I just texted a 'how are you'. He responded well, and we had a normal chat about current worklife. Then 2 daya later, he called me and apologized for the way he treated me. He cried and opened up about his thought process behind everything, or what he rhought he was doing. This was the first time ever, that i felt like he opened up to me the way I craved. Then we talked for about 10 hours the two days, and he kept sending me good morning texts, and was worried about my physical health. He started giving me tips, and checking upon my exercise and schedule everyday. He called me everyday for the month, and even used to text me if he was going to be unavailable (he never did that when we were together). He asked me to meet multiple times, but i didnt agree to - until after 1.5 months have passed. By then, he had made many remarks about our relationship, reminiscing, when i didnt bring anything up. When we met, he held my hands multiple times, and even pulled me in for a hug (which i withdrew from) when he saw a note in my phone about my anxiety at night and also wondering about my love for him.
After I got home, i felt uneasy, and started the conversation to confirm where we are headed, and that i was starting to get attached to him again, so if this is just friendship, i cant do it anymore. He said he was just being a friend, and that triggered every bad memory i forgot about our relationship. Why would he be so kind, gentle and all things i craved for when we were together, call me everyday, hold my hands multiple times, and call it friendship? like i misunderstood? I sent a few frantic texts and he refuses to be honest and respond on why he behaved that way.
and maybe it's the free time without job, but i feel so depressed and powerless this time. i know its not the relationship that's making me suicidal. It's just my brain being frantic all the time, evern when there is nothing to stress about. i feel like i can go to the best beach in the world, and still feel anxious and breathless. I am seeking therapy again, but all thoughts i have are - i want to get things in order and actually kill myself. i fought the urge for 10 yeqrs, but i dont think i can anymore. i dont know what to do with my life.
and the funny thing is, i feel like i will feel better and want to live if he calls me everyday again. but i guess he doesnt care because i abandoned him years ago when he couldnt deal with the break up too, so i am the "cruel" one. he kept saying i only asked for the money back, which he still hasnt returned, but forgets about all the years i fought for him, for us. my parents are conservative, so it was even harder to hide this from them. why do i feel so powerless now, knowinh that he is actually capable of being better and somebody else is going to get that version? i know this is not rhe end of the world. but i feel like, due to my mental healrh issues, i am hyperfixating on this - hoping that getting some love will fix me. but no, it's always something wrong with me, i feel horrible for being rhis vulnerable and unstable. i kmow i can do better, i jave been there for everybody for years, but i just dont know what to do with myseld anymore. i wamt this pain to end.

What would you say are some of the best/your favorite posable male/female figure(s)? Ones you physically move into position yourself IRL. Thank you!