We may be anonymous strangers on the internet, but we have one thing in common. We may be a world apart, but we're here together!
Welcome to the 24 hour pledge!
I'm pledging myself to not drinking today, and invite you to do the same.
Maybe you're new to /stopdrinking and have a hard time deciding what to do next. Maybe you're like me and feel you need a daily commitment or maybe you've been sober for a long time and want to inspire others.
It doesn't matter if you're still hung over from a three day bender or been sober for years, if you just woke up or have already completed a sober day. For the next 24 hours, lets not drink alcohol!
This pledge is a statement of intent. Today we don't set out trying not to drink, we make a conscious decision not to drink. It sounds simple, but all of us know it can be hard and sometimes impossible. The group can support and inspire us, yet only one person can decide if we drink today. Give that person the right mindset!
What happens if we can't keep to our pledge? We give up or try again. And since we're here in /stopdrinking, we're not ready to give up.
What this is: A simple thread where we commit to not drinking alcohol for the next 24 hours, posting to show others that they're not alone and making a pledge to ourselves. Anybody can join and participate at any time, you do not have to be a regular at /stopdrinking or have followed the pledges from the beginning.
What this isn't: A good place for a detailed introduction of yourself, directly seek advice or share lengthy stories. You'll get a more personal response in your own thread.
This post goes up at:

• US - Night/Early Morning
• Europe - Morning
• Asia and Australia - Evening/Night

A link to the current Daily Check-In post can always be found near the top of the sidebar.
Friends and fellow travellers,
From time to time there’s a little hickup in the check in. So we’re running late today, but we’ll soon be back on track.
In the meantime, how is your day? Are you looking forward to something? Any worries or gratitude to share? Where I’m at, it’s a clear blue sky and a perfect calm Sunday, we’re off to a sober birthday soon. I’m grateful for sober friends - real life, and every one of you guys.
I will not drink with you today!

The last 49 days has been nothing short of wild ride. I tried a ton - quitting on my own, naltrexone for over 6 months, and have been begging to quit for years. I recently joined an alcohol study at the local university targeted on therapy and it helped me realize my vision of life was better without alcohol.
In those sessions they’d ask if family or friends would be happier if I was gone. When I was drinking I said yes, every time. I now realize how wrong I was. I finally can stop hating myself.
Over the last 49 days I’ve done 5 concerts, several pool days with friends and family, an out of town week for work, and tons of stress per usual. But none of it was met with drinking.
I’ve not gone 49 days without booze in well over 10 years. It gets easier my friends, hang in there and stay positive. Week 1 was brutal, as I’d always try but the cravings would be so brutal day 2-3 I’d give in. After the first few week the cravings went down. I still want booze, but no longer have the unfulfillable burning desire to drink.
I’ve been filling my free time with hitting the gym, more exercise outdoors, rucking, and enjoying tv shows with my spouse. My sleep has also substantially improved.
One day at a time! I’ll do anything for you, but no matter what, I will not drink with you today

Took advantage of yesterday's lovely weather and headed out along NCR75 with the intention of going as far as I could in training for the Five Ferries later this summer, and getting the train back.
I picked up a pair of dhb Dorica MTB shoes from eBay, and spent my £40 of confused.com reward vouchers on a pair of Shimano EH500 hybrid pedals (sometimes take the bike to work so wanted double sided pedals). Not sure I felt much difference from a power point of view, although there were a few times when I felt my right foot lifting and my left foot catching "up" on it's down stroke. Probably get a better comparison on a shorter route that I know. Probably was because it's new and I was very conscious of it, but had no issues remembering to clip out, and the combination of the MTB cleats and the channel of the shoes made it very easy to clip in. With the dual sided pedals it was also easy enough to get away from lights etc and then flip the pedal and clip in later.
Lastly, I asked here a few weeks back about drink options and as you can make a custom tasting pack I elected to give Torq a shot. Bought 2 each of the Berry, Lemon and Tangerine drinks, 1 each of the Blackcurrant, Lime Lemon, Lemon and Cola energy drinks and a few gels and flapjacks to make it up to 15 items and get a 10% discount.
Overall quite impressed. I usually like string flavours, and these are quite subtle, but refreshing. Think more like flavoured water such as Volvic touch of fruit, the Lemon hydration drink for example is quite sharp tasting like cloudy lemonade. Haven't tried all of them yet but IMO worth a shot, and the custom tasting pack option means you don't have to buy a big bag of something you might not like or buy a bottle (my other pet hate with such things, got so many High5 bottles cos their sample packs are always on offer!). Haven't tried the gels yet but the flapjacks are tasty, although the 2 I had (carrot cake and ginger) pretty much tasted the same.

My dad was my best friend. He called me his buddy even when he didn’t know who I was, any longer, in the hospital (complications after getting hit by a car that later killed him). Dad and I ran his businesses together for 20 years and his family together for 32 years (my mom was an alcoholic). I was his right hand man and did as much for him so he would have less stress. We worked well together. Then as my siblings grew older we had my one brother work with us (he had a horrible addiction issues that prevented him from actually working the majority of the time) and then a few years later one of my sisters, who had been crying daily because of her boss. I talked dad into my sister working with us and also giving them high paying salaries so they could max out their 401ks from a young age, something I wish he would Have known to do to help me. I always looked out for my siblings, since as long as I can remember. My mother cooked meals but that was about it in our family. My dad did all the shopping, clothes, groceries, you name it. Whatever my dad couldn’t do or didn’t have the time, patience, or energy to do it would fall in my hands to take care of for my entire family of 7, including myself. I loved being a part of the family, and being able to add value to ours. When my dad passed away, my world fell apart. My siblings I worked with and my mom who inherited the businesses basically started reducing my salary, little by little and then started having my brother do my work or go behind my back to make sure i did it correctly (I had been doing for 20 years). In the end, they reduced my salary so low, they forced me out the door. I left peacefully, under the circumstances, I was reasonable, I still wanted to have a good, healthy relationship with my family members and didn’t want work to break up our family. Well, even though I stepped back, and out, my family still has somethings that they are hurt I did to them. After my dad passed 6 years ago, nothing has ever been the same and they have gotten more and more distant. They never told me about me hurting them all before and for what, just now they say that when I asked to be a healthy family again, and they messaged me that I hurt them all, have been a bully and that I have not been pleasant to be around. That they don’t talk to me because they have their own families now to deal with and to go to a shelter for help with my abusive husband. My sisters were incredibly mean in the group messages attacking me, when I asked for some clarity so we could work on our relationships. Anyone have any advice? I am lost and don’t know when I hurt them or what I did and why they never said anything and choose to ignore me and not include me in the things they do. It hurts so much, it’s like I raised these kids, did everything for them and my mom for 32 years, until I got married, and then when my dad died they just cut me out of the businesses I helped start and ran. My brother and sister now work there and I don’t. I still can’t believe this.

The first one is I (3-4 female at the time) was picked up by my mom's the en boyfriend at the time (21-22 male at the time) from the head start program in my neighborhood which is to teach kids as early as 3 years old. I got in trouble that day for telling a kid who we will can Devon to fuck off because he had been bullying me ever since school started that year. When I got home my mom's then boyfriend whooped my ass because of me cursing and my mom came home and told him he wasn't my father and that he wasn't allowed to put his hands on me. Then that night it was around maybe 11PM I was in the bathroom using the bathroom and after I was done I decided to go through the cabinet under the sink because I had never seen what was under there before. I found a little tape and didn't know what it was but all I knew was the film could come out and I had hella fun taking it out. Reminder I was 3-4 at the time I didn't know better. My mom's then boyfriend caught me and was fuming like if smoke could come out of his ears it would've. He snatched the tape out of my hand and tired to fix it but when he couldn't he picked me up by the cooler of my shirt and tossed me into my room which is kind of right in front on the bathroom. (Which is now his daughter's room.) And I slid and hid my head on my dresser which right in front of my window right across from the bedroom door. And my mom heard the commotion and took me to the doctors and I got stitches. Oh and they're not together now but he still lives with us, my mom gave birth to his first and only child in 2020. He's only here to be apart of her life and help around with the house.
The send story is again when I was younger but only a bit older I had to be around 6 because I was in first grade. I went to school on he bus like I usually did and got my breakfast on the way there. This is were I mention I'm a person of color and the following people I'm about to mention weren't in the slightest. I got both apple juice and orange juice. This group of boys who sat at a table not too far away from me asked me if I wanted to join their little "apple juice race" as they called it. I told them a clear no and they kept trying to insist until I started ignoring them. I naturally drink everything I drink super fast and my teacher who happened to be standing behind me heard everything and I finished breakfast as I normally did but when I was done she pulling me out of the class room aboutthe conversation and I told her that they wouldn't leave me alone and I naturally drink things fast and she could ask me my mom. She thought I told them no but still joined without them knowing and I kept denying it and instead of listening to the crying little girl telling the truth she went with her own thought and gave me detention but the boys who were engaging in peer pressure didn't and here it's literally against the law. So I had to stay after school and my mom picked me up after finding out I had detention and when I explained what happened all she said was "It's a choking hazard so it may have worried her." But that's not a good reason at all to give someone detention that's on my record for life now. I told some people as I got older and they were saying because I'm a child of color she was profiling and she was being racist. I'm not sure though. If she some how find out abt this fuck you Mrs. Fowly I hope your daughter breaks a limb or two. :3 You've literally scared me for life hope ya happy.
So what do you think is his PTSD? Or am I tweekin?

Buster growled softly, baring his teeth at me as he stood in defiance. His stance rigid and unyielding, his tail stiff, and ears pinned back - he watched my every move with alert eyes.
My 3-year-old German shepherd had intuitively figured out the prospect of an upcoming bath when he saw me reach for the towel, and decided to give me a hard time over it.
“I know buddy. I am not happy about it either. But I will make it quick. I promise,” I tried to reason, holding up both hands to reassure him.
‘But it’s not even been a week…’ I could almost imagine him saying those exact words to me when he growled back in protest.
“You’re right...But listen, man. You’re dirty. I can feel your presence from here,” I said, standing ten feet away and pretending to cover my nostrils with my finger.
Buster, of course, didn’t care and continued to defy without hesitation.
I put my hands on my hip and sighed. My glance immediately shifted to a hose attached to a tap outside my quarters.
“Tell you what. I’ll make it worth your while. You don’t mind the jet spray, right? In fact, you even tolerate it sometimes,” I said, pointing to the hose located only a few feet away.
“How about a little cooperation now, and I’ll make you your favorite meal a little later?” I asked him, while reaching out to pick a can of chicken liver from the kitchen.
As I dangled the can in my hand, I could see it slowly chipping away at his resolve, his mind grappling with the pros and cons of my new proposal.
A moment later, Buster barked at me twice and slowly made his way out of the house. He sat by the garden tap, ready to receive his bath.
I took a handful of lotion and began to rub it against his torso to remove all the muck and grime that was sticking to his body. We had been quite busy lately, guarding the base and conducting multiple patrols along the perimeter every day. The rain a few hours ago certainly didn't help matters, with Buster leaping over puddles of water and actively rolling in the mud to escape the desert heat. I had to use a brush to remove the layers of dirt that had caked all over his body.
It’s been a strange week, to say the least. The days were busy but peaceful, while the nights brought scattered, random sounds. Their origins were a mystery, as they appeared not to originate from the base. But I wasn’t too worried about it, not yet anyway.
There is an air base located a couple of hours away from the facility, and it wasn’t unusual for them to conduct sorties at odd hours in the night. I assumed they were probably testing out some new technology.
My colleague Joe thought the same thing as well. But we couldn’t take any chances, and we both had a job to do. So we conducted regular patrols around the base just as a precautionary measure.
But deep down, I felt something nagging at me, like I was being watched by someone or something. I couldn’t exactly put it into words.
For a second, I wondered if Buster too felt the same way when I saw him suddenly lift his head up, listening intently with his ears up in attention.
I quickly turned back to check if there was anybody standing behind me, but I found no one. When I turned around to face him again, I saw him looking up at the night sky, his gaze focused and unwavering.
“What’s it buddy? You see something?” I asked him as I cleared away the foam from his face. Moments went by slowly. And then, just like that, as if nothing had happened, he put his head down and began pawing my leg, urging me to finish his bath. I sighed again and turned on the hose, to wash off all the soap.
He finally looked presentable and I have to admit, his coat glistened beautifully under the moonlight.
Before I could reach for his towel, Buster swiftly moved in to close the gap between us and looked me in the eye dead serious. He then shook his body vigorously, much like a wet dog trying to rid itself of wetness, and trotted off without bothering to look back.
I laughed out loud as I sat there, drenched in water. I knew I should have seen that coming. However, my smile quickly faded, as it also reminded me of Jessica, my ailing wife.
Before another thought could take shape in my mind, I heard a familiar voice blare across the radio.
“Mike, I need you down here. Get to the post quick.”
It was my colleague Joe and I replied back in the affirmative. I quickly grabbed my gear and signaled Buster to follow after me.
When I reached the post, I saw Joe standing there armed with his rifle. As a seasoned war veteran with two tours under his belt, Joe was a dangerous man and not to be trifled with. But he was also compassionate and wise beyond his years.
“What’s up Joe?” I inquired, as I approached him near the entrance of the base.
“I am not sure yet. I thought I heard something at a distance. It could well be nothing.” he replied, after a brief pause.
‘Well, we’ve had a lot of that going around all week’, I thought to myself.
He then turned around to look at me. “I want you to run a perimeter sweep first. Then go on patrol again. Take Buster with you” he said, before heading back to his post.
I started the jeep and drove out towards the perimeter. The engine hummed softly as I navigated the rough terrain, with Buster sitting alertly beside me. After finding nothing suspicious during my initial sweep, I decided to broaden my search radius.
A mile into the drive, Buster suddenly started barking, prompting me to stop the jeep immediately. He leaped onto the ground and dashed towards a boulder located a short distance away. I picked up my rifle and cautiously followed after him.
When I reached the spot, I keyed the mic attached to my shirt and said, "Boss, you need to come see this."
I knew he wasn’t going to be happy about leaving the guard post unmanned, but I thought he would prefer to come and inspect this himself.
Joe arrived ten minutes later, parking his vehicle next to mine. He walked towards the boulder overlooking a small pond, and switched on his torch to get a better look at the skeletal remains of an animal dumped nearby. Three other animal remains lay next to it, all appearing to be in a similar condition.
“These look like coyotes, probably stopping by to drink water from the pond before they were killed,” he observed, his voice expressing concern. “Did you find them like this?”
“Yes”, I replied. “And they weren’t here when I drove through the same place this morning. I thought it was quite odd to be honest, to find four of them out here all at once in the middle of the desert, that too at this hour.”
Joe simply nodded in agreement.
“What sort of creature do you think did this Joe?”
“I mean it must have a ravenous appetite to chew every sinew of flesh from the bone, and lick it this clean.” I said, leaning in take another look.
“Do you think it could be the Chupacabra or something similar?” I continued, knowing fully well my question was a bit far-fetched, but I had to still get it off my chest.
Joe finally stood up, switched off his torch, and looked around the vast open desert in quiet contemplation.
“This is in fact the fifth sighting in less than a week, Mike, and all have occurred in close proximity to secure government installations. The one before this was even stranger, and happened near a military base, where an old buddy of mine continues to serve.”
“He told me in that instance, the remains belonged to a dog. There were no signs of flesh or connecting tissue from the nasal region to the abdominal section, while the region spanning from the abdominal cavity to the tail bone was left fully intact. The whole thing was carried out with surgical precision, and drew morbid praise from even the medic back at the base.”
"But how is that even possible? What are you suggesting, Joe?" I asked, surprised by the tone of my own voice and my inability to hide my disappointment upon hearing about it for the first time.
“This is not a hunt for prey, Mike. This is a hunt for attention. Somebody is trying to make a point. And I’d say they are accomplishing their objective.” Joe said.

Hello, one and all. Been lurking for a while. Thought I'd share my experience thus far. I'm a 45-year-old female who herniated L4/L5 in early January. I'm, therefore, four months, two weeks post-injury.
It's a mild-ish protrusion pressing on nerves and causing sciatica. I have never had back pain. I'm a Brit. I plan to get over this conservatively and do not intend to have any injections or surgery. Note that I have some trouble lifting my left foot and walking as normal on that side, but everything is functional. I am able to lift my toes and heels, and I have full sensation everywhere.
From my scan, disc height is compromised only a tiny bit (I have juicy discs). I have a very wide and spacious nerve canal. No other issues aside from a transitional disc below (born with more bone than disc at L5/S1, very common, and I'm luckily in the "won't cause pain" camp) and a slight bulging disc above, which isn't pressing on anything. The transitional disc is likely to have led to this injury. But moving house finally pushed me over the edge, lifting things the wrong way.

The first month

The first month was obviously painful. Terrible sleep; sciatica was awful (burning in my left calf and left foot with some right foot tingling), and I was very stiff and leaning forward most mornings. Doing McKenzie cobras in those early days helped massively. And amazingly, I kept up with walking and averaged 15,000 steps daily. It wasn't painful. But I was taking Ibuprofen and paracetamol. I believe a lot of my sciatica has been caused by inflammation.
Back then, I was seeing a physio and doing some basic pelvic tilts, bridges, calf stretches, cat/camels, and – like I mentioned – cobra poses. Otherwise, I would mostly lie on the floor, on my front, resting. Or walking outdoors. It would take me three hours just to pluck up the courage to shower. And I could only stand under the hot water for less than a minute before lying on the floor again. Sitting was impossible. I couldn't use the car. I couldn't sleep on my left side. I would crawl down the stairs each morning after barely any sleep and go straight to the drugs. I couldn't make breakfast or do anything. But as each day wore on, I'd become less stiff and more upright and be able to walk for miles.

In search of a silver bullet

I tried everything in February and March. Acupuncture, physio, McKenzie stuff... They put me on Amitriptyline initially, but I hated it. And so they gave me Gabapentin. This helped with sleep and dialled down the pain significantly (I was on 300mg three times a day). I vaguely remember a crazy day when I walked into my local town, sat, and had cake and tea with an old friend. Still to this day, I can't figure out how! Boy, those drugs worked!
By the end of March, I discovered Egoscue and began posture therapy. I did it religiously for six weeks and even began working with a therapist. But it wasn't helping. And I didn't see any improvements. I also decided to come off the Gabapentin during this time, as I felt totally off my face and hated it.
Around February, I also discovered Dr Stuart McGill. And read his excellent book, Back Mechanic. I learnt about spine hygiene and loads of other helpful stuff. Gradually, little by little, turning in bed got easier (brace that core) and getting up out of bed and off the toilet became pain-free, too. But I just wasn't seeing massive improvement.

Finding the right approach

That's when I decided to see a Master Clinician under McGill. Wow. It was the best money I had ever spent, and I'd spent more on acupuncture!
He went through my scan, was the only one to tell me about the transitional disc, and asked what I'd been doing thus far. He recommended that I give the posture therapy and the walking a break, just for a few weeks, to see if we could calm the inflammation down. And so I did. I rested. I mostly lay on the floor on my front or back and only moved around the house. No outdoor walking. No McKenzie cobra poses (which I've since discovered do more harm than good long-term and adopt a gentler version McGill recommends and says is just as effective). That was back in early April. And following his advice alone? I saw immediate improvements. In fact, the very next day, I was pain-free for seven hours. I couldn't believe it – just by resting.
I only rested for three weeks, and then I decided to try walking outdoors again. My gosh. The difference after the break! I could barely do ten minutes around the block without pain. It was too much. (I could never walk first thing before either – only later on in the day. But it would usually be fine.) But my back specialist wanted me to try walking three times a day, starting small. So, I persisted. He told me to stop if walking made things worse, though. Thankfully, it's been three weeks since I began walking outdoors again, and I'm making great progress. I can now get up from bed and walk immediately (I had to give it an hour before I ventured out of the house). And I can walk for half an hour, too. Three times a day. I find that a morning walk is crucial. I am stiff and a little sore at first, but it eases. And sets me up for the day. I also enjoy two or three hours of no pain when returning home.

Finally seeing progress

Since early April, the improvements have been gradual but almost daily. They're so small sometimes that you hardly notice them! It's only when you look back that you realise how far you've come!
In the six weeks since I worked with my back specialist, I have seen the constant burning sciatica in my foot and calf mostly disappear. Initially, I had a lot of fuzzing. That has now subsided, and since then, it's gone from fuzzing to cold water feelings and tingling... with occasional burning again (mostly only in the top of my calf), but that goes quickly. Now and again, I'll get a random ten minutes of a burning foot again, but it soon disappears.
A few weeks ago, I started getting new sharp and painful jolts in my left hip. That's apparently blood returning to the nerves. For the last week, I have barely had any foot or calf issues—I mostly have sharp pulling nerve pain on my left kneecap and similar symptoms in my hip. Only in the last month have I occasionally started to get a bruised feeling in my lumbar spine.
The morning stiffness and leaning forward? Gone. I am bolt-upright every morning and feel pretty good, posture-wise. Funny enough, since I quit doing the posture therapy. Go figure!
My glutes are very tight and constantly holding themselves. I'm trying to teach them to relax, but it's tough, as I know they're protecting themselves. I've been using heat to relax them—just a microwaved wheat sack some mornings.
Under a week ago, I came off Gabapentin. And I also quit Ibuprofen about five weeks ago. The only meds I take now are paracetamol – just one dose in the middle of the night to calm my (good) right hip that gets sore from only sleeping on that side.

How far I've come

Here I am, four months and two weeks post-injury. I still can't sit on a soft surface (I use a special sciatica cushion on a dining chair), I can't sit in a vehicle for the same reason, I can't sleep on my left side, and I still have some mild foot drop but am walking better.
On a positive note, the pain symptoms are changing daily, which is apparently a good sign. I am starting to feel some back pain for the first time, too. Centralisation is perhaps occurring. Instead of lying on the floor for several hours before breakfast, I now find better relief in standing and moving around. I can also sit for short spurts on my dining chair first thing in the morning, whereas before, I'd only be able to do that from midday.
I'm sleeping better. Six or seven hours a night. It's a tad broken, but I feel rested. And when I get up in the morning? Whereas before, my left leg and foot would go crazy with fuzzing and burning, now? Nothing. A mild tingling some mornings, but otherwise, fine.
I spend more of my days moving around, standing, walking, and occasionally sitting than "resetting" on the floor. And when I do feel sciatica getting worse, a brief rest on the floor makes the pain go away. It's never 100 per cent pain-free, you understand. It's mildly uncomfortable and feels like it could get worse at any moment, but I'm good.
And I'm finding that if I overdo it, any flare-up I might have is brief and easily overcome. Whereas before, it might've been five days to recover, now it's an hour resting on the floor.
If I stand at my standing desk for too long, my lumbar ache begins. It's not painful. It just feels weird—bruised, almost unstable, like I can feel it stacked. I lie down, reset, and then I'm good to go.

What has really helped

I now know what to do to avoid triggering pain. I can tie my shoes with my foot on a bench and lunge in. I have a shoe horn – a game-changer! I also use a strapped-on ice pack when I need to calm my nerves. Less so these days. And heat on my ass when the glutes feel too tight. I only take paracetamol in the middle of the night to help me sleep. Oh, and I find going to bed with an ice pack on sometimes really helps!
The meds definitely helped in those painful early days; but I need feedback. Once I felt I could, I stopped taking everything.
During this time, I also hired a cleaner (fortnightly) and a gardener. I've not stopped working (I have no choice; I am a freelancer). And I have no kids. So I don't have to commute anywhere. I stay at home and rest, and the only time I leave the house is to walk. I also invested in a new mattress, a game changer (John Ryan Artisan Luxury, if anyone wants to know). I am very lucky in all of these respects, I know.
The walking really helps – but it was only when I stopped, rested, and allowed by body to heal that I noticed a difference in my symptoms.

What's next?

I'm nowhere near ready to begin strength training. And I've avoided all physio and stretching of late. I am just doing what my back specialist recommends. Some mild cat/camels to get the blood flowing, walking, resting. I take magnesium, turmeric, vitamins D and B12, omega-3. I try to avoid sugar and alcohol (I don't always succeed on that one). I'm not ready for longer walks yet. And there's no way I could take a bath, sit up in bed, or sit on the sofa.
But I am healing. This has been quite the journey, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm excited for the next phase of recovery: rehab! And boy, will I be taking it seriously—for the rest of my life! It's down to us, after all. No one can do it for us.
There are some big life events coming up that I know I'm not ready for. When they get closer, if I'm still not better, I will call my GP and ask for advice. Ibuprofen might be brought out again. Perhaps even something stronger. But if I'm one of the lucky ones, I should be seeing further progress in the coming weeks and months.
I rate my ability to function normally when I can sleep on my left side again, drive my car and when I can sit on the sofa, too! I won't mind if there is some residual pain and weakness. As long as I can function without having the crux of a floor and yoga mat nearby.
I am more than happy to answer any questions. I hope this has helped someone. It's certainly helped me to get it all on screen. And I wanted to thank this community for all I've learned this year. I hope you're not in too much pain.

Really excited to have gone through the weekend without booze. Amazing to wake up clear minded. Did a few things yesterday and pretty much laid around for the rest. Felt like I was healing. Going to do some of the responsibilities I missed yesterday, today. Very grateful to not wake up in terror wondering who I said what to over the phone.
Have had a little time to think about shame. My biggest shame has become how I interact with some friends over the phone after a lot of drinking. I’ve sent a lot of cringe texts to an assortment of people. Never have I said something mean or hurtful, usually it’s overly friendly. I’ve been generally lonely my entire life. I try really hard to get people to love me and feel like we have a friendship that lasts a lifetime. To show I am the friend that is always there for you no matter what. I’m done trying so hard to be that for people. I’ve spent a little sober time unpacking that shame, and I kind of have to laugh and tell myself, well that is annoying and embarrassing, but I am human. And in the grand scheme of life, is that the worst thing ever? Nah. It also shows me who is a real friend and who is not. Frankly it’s good to have these “friends” out of my life, because honestly they are people I thought were “friends” but then disappeared when we weren’t together every single day like we were before and then only come around when they need something from me. This ending would have come with or without the booze, just wish I would have maintained some dignity and let it go the way it was supposed to instead of adding an extra dash of embarrassment for myself. Hopefully with more time I can stop living in the embarrassment and come to forget about it.
Thanks for being with me.

🪞
Welcome back to the Asylum write-up, where we explore the decade-long slow-motion car crash that is the Emilie Autumn fandom.
Sorry this installment took so long to upload! Just a heads-up, I may take some time to deliver the last one too – these posts take forever to format on Reddit's finicky-ass editor, and my dumb real life is currently keeping me from precious Internet time. Thank you for your patience! You have my word that everyone who pre-ordered the final installment will receive a PERSONAL, HANDWRITTEN letter autographed and illustrated by me, a list of the snacks I consumed while composing this write-up, some exclusive behind-the-scenes secrets, and a pony.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1 – Part 4.2 Part 5

Places, everyone This is a test Throw your stones Do your damage Your worst, and your best (...) And if I had a dollar For every time I repented the sin And commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today (“God Help Me”, 2006🎵)

Quick recap of where we left off. First, there were five to ten halcyon years of pleasant and meaningful interactions between EA and her blossoming fanbase, prominently by way of her official forum. Then, circa 2009-2010, EA's online presence shifted towards sudden anger outbursts, ban-hammering, and an increasingly top-down communication style.
This created a sort of primordial rift within the fanbase, between those who supported EA's right to speak her mind and regulate her own fan spaces however she pleased – and those who thought that her reactions were rude and inappropriate (at best), and that even fan spaces should allow for reasonable, non-abusive criticism of the artist.
Between a poorly-handled book release (see Part 3), the controversial (Part 2) or dubiously true (Part 4) contents of said book, and serious shade from various former collaborators (Part 5), more and more fans had pressing thoughts about EA's work ethic and choices. EA attempted damage control through drastic forum rules that made it virtually impossible to voice any “serious” critical opinion. It didn't work, of course: instead of squashing the mutiny, she created a schism.
Critical fans and active haters started congregating on unofficial platforms.

“WITH MUFFINS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?”: TROLL LIKE A GIRL

So here we were, the early 2010s. The official forum (which had about 700 members in 2006, if you recall) was now thousands-strong, reaching just over 12,000 registered users in 2012 – not all of them active, but still. In terms of sheer numbers and content creation, the party was POPPIN'... but increasingly in parts of the Asylum that escaped EA's jurisdiction, such as Tumblr, where they could speak their mind freely.

You play the victim very well You've built your self-indulgent hell You wanted someone to understand you Well, be careful what you wish for, because I do (“I Know Where You Sleep”, 2006🎵)

In one wing of Asylum Tumblr, a smattering of call-out blogs emerged, which laid out EA's various lies, faux pas, shitty takes, and general deep-seated terribleness in detailed timelines and screenshots (or, short of that, long-winded bullet points). While many such blogs framed it as “serious” whistleblowing and did their best to remain as fact-based and neutral as they could, there was some genuine disgust, animosity and creepiness towards EA on that side of Tumblr; for some ex-fans, “exposing the truth” was mostly justify obsessive hatred, prying and verbal abuse. Some, for instance, felt the bizarre need to side with EA's mother in their estrangement. (One user, with the URL “emilyautumnfischkopf”, argued in a serious and down-to-earth tone - but with zero sources - that EA's upbringing had been nothing but peaceful and supportive until she ungratefully kicked her loving family to the curb for no reason at all. They were later revealed 🔍 to have an alternate handle as “eaisalyingcunt”.)
Either way, through these blogs, a number of potential drama bombs that had mostly flown under the radar were dredged up from over the years – some of which were hard to ignore, even for supportive fans. Where to begin?
There was that nonsense in-joke song, captured twice on camera during the 2009 tour (to very little outrage, at the time), crassly called “Manatee Retard”📺. Or EA's scathing response, in print, to a wheelchair user who found it insensitive that she used a bedazzled wheelchair as a prop to do sexy acrobatics on stage. (“Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against”, she wrote). Spoken word tracks where she made trivializing knock-knock jokes about serious mental illnesses she didn't have, like schizophrenia and OCD. Multiple instances of calling Britney Spears a “bimbo” and a “Hollywood fucked-up”, resentfully claiming that she only shaved her head because she was “hopped up on drugs” and certainly not because she was “bipolar”, a word the press liked to wield as an insult anyway. (“That's almost like calling someone a retard!” Yeah, heaven forbid.) The meanest, most distasteful paragraphs in the book. Basically everything problematic EA had ever said or written.📝 In retrospect, it had been a long time coming, but it was a lot to take in – and certainly more off-putting, even to less emotionally invested fans, than silly lies about her age and last name.
In another wing of Asylum Tumblr, some fans had had it up to here and just wanted to have fun. 🎵 If Plague Rats had learned one valuable lesson from EA, it was how to crack a joke in the face of absurd tragedy – and the general state of the EA fandom certainly warranted a few.
In 2012, Fight Like a Girl was released. After six long years, three of which had been peaceful, the Opheliac era was officially over. The new album and ensuing tour confirmed that the Asylum had entered a process of glamorous Broadway-style militarization. 🎵📺
The mood board was “Roman general meets Vegas showgirl meets Victorian street urchin”.🪞 The color palette was, to naysayers, “musty pink and rotten, stale piss yellow”. 🐀 The keyword was “REVENGE” (through the power of... self-expression! sorority! brutal assault with rusty medical implements!). The chorus of the title song had an intriguing run-on line about getting “revenge on the world, or at least 49% of the people in it” 🎵 – which seemed like an awful lot, and was widely interpreted (to cheers, boos, or uncomfortable sighs) as a misandrist jab at literally all men on Earth.
The show was essentially a demo version of the musical, in that the setlist vaguely reflected the order of events in the story – but prior reading was essential in order to get what the hell was going on on stage. This one Broadway reviewer had not perused the literature before seeing the show 🔍, and hated: the set, the choreography, the skits, the plot, the lyrics, the music, the concept. (Seriously, you should read the review. It's not even my show and I feel like quitting show business.)
Pre-show VIP encounters, now violin-free, were lorded over by EA's new manager🐀, whose official title was “Asylum Headmistress”. (Interesting choice – she sounds fun!) The swag bags were less substantial than before, and the “greet” part of the meet-and-greet was rarely more than a quick hug and photo op.
On Twitter, EA continued to embrace her “I am very badass” fronting attitude...

Often wonder if cyberbullies r aware they’re fucking w/ a girl who’s BFs w/ maker of the SAW films & is marrying a knife-throwing scorpion. (🐀📝)

...and her taste for needlessly inflammatory statements. About an aisle sign in a supermarket:

If this does not infuriate you, then you're a fucking potato.

(Again with the confounding crypto-ableism, EA! 🔍) She also went through a phase of raging against Lady Gaga 📝, who had stolen her idea of using a wheelchair on stage as an able-bodied woman. 🔍 That failed to convince anyone that she wasn't the histrionic diva that haters made her out to be.
Spurred on by EA's rallying cries and “us vs them” mentality, loyalists turned the white-knighting up to 11. On Twitter, some Plague Rats got into cat fights with Lady Gaga's Little Monsters (what a time to be alive). Others tried to balance out the Tumblr negativity with initiatives like “Spreading a Plague of Love” – a “positive-only” confession blog, whose extreme fangirling, comically drastic rules and hyper-defensive tone📝 did not debunk the increasingly popular notion that “true Plague Rats” were a bunch of authoritarian and hopelessly brainwashed fanatics.
EA truthers and other anti-fans started lashing out at anyone who dared express any positive opinion of EA, solidifying claims that the backlash against EA was just a conspiracy of bitter, hysterical bullies.
All this to say: every passing day brought new reasons for fans to get mad at EA and each other, and everyone in the Asylum was in need of a laugh. It's not easy having a good time.🦠
Leading up to Fight Like a Girl and in the years that followed, user-submission-based meme blogs took off, most notably “Spreading a Plague of Lulz / Troll Like a Girl”. A lot of the early submissions were absurdist humor and toothless, cheezburger-Impact memes (a style that was, oddly, already dated at the time). Those often originated in good fun, and from loyal fans, on the official forum. But there was also true snark, satirizing EA's questionable ethics, outrageous claims, and easily spoofed artistic gimmicks. A new slang of Asylumspeak emerged: Glittertits (slight NSFW), GAGA!!, EA Gusta and all its memeface variants, Get outta mah house!, Are You Suffering?, Fight Like A Goat, [Random celebrity] copied EA (a subgenre in its own right), ...
Most of the “trolling” was directed at unrepentant bootlickers and, to a lesser extent, red-in-the-face haters and creeps. Meme blogs would post joke comments under “serious” or gushing submissions on Wayward Victorian Confessions, and taunt loyalist accounts by tagging them in their posts. When a few people complained on WVC that almost all of the Bloody Crumpets to date had been thin white able-bodied women, and a few fans responded by sharing their dream-casts for a more diverse line-up, the blog was flooded for days with confessions that “X should be a Crumpet” (candidates included RuPaul, Mitt Romney, Nicki Minaj, EA's therapist, and the WVC admins). Farcical shenanigans like that.
Ah, but some people will always cross the line, won't they. EA threads popped up on merciless, bully-friendly snark platforms like Lolcow, Pretty Ugly Little Liar, and Encyclopedia Dramatica. Snarkers with a mean streak and obsessive haters mingled in some of the more aggressive, 4-chan-spirited retaliation against EA – which would be called “brigading” in modern parlance. This included flooding EA's Goodreads page with one-star reviews (see part 4), repeatedly editing her Wikipedia page to include her legal name and birth year, and ensuring that Googling said name would bring up current pictures of her.
All of this compounded agitation fragmented the once-united fandom beyond recognition.🦠 Through substantial disagreements among fans, personal bickerings, layers upon layers of inscrutable in-jokes, and cross-platform telephone games, the Asylum morphed into a booby-trapped Escher room.
Satire blogs were taken in earnest. Earnest fan blogs scanned as satire. Memes would get called out as abuse. Appreciation without attached criticism would get mocked as bootlicking. Obvious jokes made by EA would be taken at face value. One divisive confession could trigger days and days of debate, to the point that WVC eventually banned confessions in response to other confessions. New waves of infighting created a confusing web of rival sub-factions🐀, each accusing the others of being toxic, cliquish, and delusional.
The shared fantasy was broken, the collective vision had crumbled, no onez was speaking the same language anymore. Fans would jump down the throat of other fans who held almost identical views about EA, except for that one thing she said or did that one time. Everyone had differing thoughts on what should or shouldn't acceptable to discuss, question, excuse, make fun of.
War is hell.

SCORCHED EARTH SHENANIGANS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE ASYLUM

Would you tear my castle down Stone by stone And let the wind run through my windows Till there was nothing left But a battered rose? (“Castle Down”, 2003🎵)

Haters vs sycophants is not really the kind of conflict where one side can come out on top (if you're participating, you've already lost). But in the long tug-of-war between “grassroots” and “EA-sponsored” fan spaces, the ultimate winner is obvious – in that the former is gasping in agony, a shriveled husk of its former glory, while the latter... is non-existent. This is due in no small part to EA's tendency, like the Czars of old, to settle conflicts by setting Moscow on fire.🔍)
That's not entirely fair: unlike EA, the czar only did it that once.
By early 2013, as EA was gearing up for her third Fight Like a Girl tour at the end of the year, the official forum was... not as lively as it once had been. Not just because of the stifling rules and disgruntlement towards EA, or because EA herself hadn't really posted anything on there in years; the Internet was also changing, and forums in general were fast becoming passé.
This made it difficult for EA to create a safe space where she could talk to fans, and fans could talk to and about her, in a way she deemed suitable (ie, a space she could gate-keep and regulate enough to keep it completely free from negative criticism). Social media was a minefield; she still posted regularly, but didn't interact very much. So EA and the Headmistress came up with a way to filter out the unbelievers: an official fan club📝, aptly called the “Asylum Army”, with a $100 entry price.
Joining the AA came with a dog tag, a sew-on patch, and a lifetime membership certificate signed by EA and – for some reason – the Headmistress. (Unlike EA's best friend and sound engineer back in the forum's heyday, I don't think fans ever really embraced the FLAG-era manager as part of the Asylum in-group. She came across more as a coordinator / businessperson / adult chaperone, at best.🐀) So, slightly better goodies than you'd get by joining the other AA 🔍 ... but not by much. The main appeal was that members would have access to exclusive content, special merch, giveaways, early bird tickets for future shows, and regular video chats with EA.
The concept itself drew a fair amount of criticism, as you can imagine. Between the name🐀, the price, and the inherent gatekeeping of a pay-to-join fanclub, many balked at the monetizing of a concept that had once (like, three years back) been significantly more DIY, grassroots, and inclusive. 📝🐀
Then again, many also longed for a positive, drama-free space where fans could just be fans. And while the creation of the AA was generally recognized as a quick cashgrab, a lot of people were surprisingly cool with it. EA was trying to finance her dream musical, after all – although a number of fans wished she had gone about raising funds in a less sketchy way.
So around 400 fans shelled out (which, according to the Headmistress📝, “basically cover[ed] the cost of running the fanclub itself – keeping the database up, website, etc.”). Enough for a close-knit, but sizable community. But already, there was a conflict of interest: a high fanclub entry fee essentially demands that you pledge loyalty to the artist over loyalty to your fellow fans, who wish to join but can't afford to. Sharing, caring, and ensuring no one felt left out were some of the more positive values cultivated in the fandom... but leaking exclusive content would surely piss off other paying members🐀, and make EA feel betrayed all over again. (And she had barely just started to mellow out on social media!)
...But then again, this is the internet. After the first month of secret AA drops (lyric sheets, some photoshoot outtakes – nothing too juicy, really), there were, yes, some leaks. EA was predictably miffed, and retaliated by... ghosting the fanclub for weeks at a time in its first few months of existence (great look!). She eventually found the “solution” to her problem, by providing something you couldn't right-click-save (and which had been part of the promised perks to begin with): live interaction.
Over webcam, she was her usual in-person bubbly, charming, funny self. Everyone seemingly had a good time during the fanclub video chat, and this gave people faith and hope.
There were a few more events, giveaways, etc. As promised, ahead of the fall 2013 tour (the last one to date, it would turn out), AA members got priority access to show tickets and VIP bundles. The latter were much pricier than before, and only included soundcheck, a photo-op, and three goodies: a tin of loose-leaf tea, a signed printer-paper setlist, and a small flag that said “F.L.A.G.”.🔍 Some stuff continued to leak – but, as some of the outlaws pointed out (scroll down to the Disqus comments), they were mostly relaying information that was relevant to the entire fanbase, such as updates about ongoing projects (the dragged-out recording of the audiobook, for one).
In early 2014, lifetime memberships were closed, and replaced with monthly, quarterly and yearly subscription tiers. Bizarrely, you ended up paying $3 more per month if you bought a $99 yearly subscription📝 – but it did include the patch, dog tag, and piece of paper!

Sometimes I kind of want to be part of the cool kids and register to the Asylum Army. Then I remember how it came about, what you could get for the same price a couple years ago, how the whole thing was and is handled, and that I won’t support any of this bullshit. (And then I roll around naked in all the money I’m saving.) (🐀)

Still, a number of fans rejoiced at the affordable monthly option, and joined – if not for the exclusive content and merch (which were... okay, but not much to write home about), then for the friendly, drama-free exchanges with an artist they actually did love, in spite of all the frustration.
For the still-too-poor or still-undecided, there was always the forum! It wasn't as active as it used to be, but a few die-hards still managed to keep the lights on... until, inevitably, Someone Did Something and Ruined Everything. (Once again: EA's wrath is spectacular, but rarely completely unprovoked.) The incident features one notable figure in the Asylum community. Let's call him the Collector.
OK, so maybe you remember the meme I linked to in Part 4, with Christian Grey and the ginormous EA hoard. Well, that's the Collector's collection. The “Violin” promo that I called the "Holy Grail of the fandom" in the same paragraph? Also his. The handwritten lyrics that went for $940? Guess who won that auction. Over the years, the Collector had probably spent five figures on EA merch and shows, and although that fact was a little unsettling, he was a very active, easy-going, and generally well-liked fixture of the fandom.
One day in 2012, shortly after the Headmistress had replaced EA's old Chicago BFF as main forum admin, the Collector's account got banned or restricted over something dumb. When the ban wasn't lifted as quickly as he hoped, he took it... the way one takes things when one is unhealthily invested: he started spamming Headmistress and the mod team with increasingly rambling and abusive emails (lost to time, probably for the best). When that didn't work quickly enough, he tried a different route.
One of the many auctions that the Collector had won, some years prior, was EA's old iPod Touch📝 – which contained all of her favorite tunes and, buried somewhere in the data cache... a phone number. Which the Collector tried calling. And wouldn't you know it: EA picked up. She congratulated him on his sleuthing skills, listened patiently as he made his case, apologized for any distress caused by the unfair account restriction, and then they got married.
Kidding! She freaked the fuck out, hung up, and banned him for life from the forum and all EA shows and events.
After his ban, the Collector allegedly still tried to attend at least one VIP pre-show (one source in the comments says he was allowed to buy some merch, refunded for his ticket, and escorted out). He joined the Reform forum to bitch about EA and try to rally people to his cause, possibly made revenge posts about her on darker snark forums, and continued to hound the Asylum mod team. So in June 2014, EA came up with a radical and unexpected fix to the Collector problem.

The official Asylum Fan Forum has been shut down permanently. I have personally paid thousands of dollars each year to keep the forum safe and secure for you ... Unfortunately, the forum has not been kept safe and secure for me, a truth which disappoints me greatly, instead becoming a place where people who have physically threatened myself and my staff prey upon forum members, pressuring them to contact me and my staff on their behalf. If the gullible wish to humor my stalkers (who live in their parent’s basement at age 30 something) and thus put me in danger, they may do it on their own dime. They may also fuck off, because stupidity can kill, and I won’t be your victim. To those who enjoyed the forum, you know who to thank for its closure. (“On the closing of the Asylum Forum”)

Voilà! This is how a decade-long archive of shared history ends: not with a bang, but with a dirty delete and a sod-off communiqué.
The obliteration of the forum took everyone by surprise...

I was actually on the forum when it was taken down. I was navigating between posts and when I went to click on a different board, an error message came up. I honestly cried a little, I'm not ashamed to say. (WVC admin on Reddit, 2024)

...and I do mean everyone:

Chicago BFF / ex-admin, the next morning: Whoa, EA forum shut down? Ex-mod: It turns out that if someone spends enough years actively “waging war” to destroy what they can’t have, eventually they’ll be successful. * eye roll * Not even mods got prior warning. Just all the sudden, poof, gone. BFF: Really? She did not let the moderators know?! This is sounding worse and worse. Uggh. I’m so sorry. Such a loss. (...) Ok, threats are serious, but why not just put it in archive mode so no one can post? (...) Sad. I shall light a candle in the forum's honor. (Facebook posts; scroll down for screenshots)

It was a gut punch, especially for people who had poured countless hours into the community, or could have used some prior warning to save years of their own writing from the role-playing threads. One last chance to take a look around the place that had meant so much to so many.

From the wording of the announcement of closing the forum and a number of other things, it sometimes seems like EA doesn't like her fans much. :/ (🐀)

Three months after the forum was nuked, Battered Rose (a venerable EA fansite, which had been around since the Enchant era and had one of the most complete EA galleries online) announced that it was shutting down too.📝 The admin, who had also been a long-time forum mod, cited a lack of “time, energy, passion, or money” to keep the website going... and being upset at the sudden disappearance of the forum. It was, truly, the end of an era for the Asylum.
...Well, no point in living in the past. For those who could afford it, and still wanted to talk to/about EA after that (not everyone did 🐀), there was always the Asylum Army fanclub!
Over the summer of 2014, EA held regular live chats and Q&A's, and... many attendees really enjoyed them, and thought the AA was well worth the money after all. She also quietly parted ways with the much poo-pooed Headmistress around that time.

Just spent over 4 hours giggling, drinking tea and playing guessing games in chat with EA and other Asylum Army members ... No griping, no downers, just lots of fun. I think I like the way the ‘new fandom’ is going and now I’m really glad I finally decided to join the Army. (September 4, 2014🐀; Battered Rose had closed the day before)

The forum was lost forever, but perhaps that was a chance for a fresh start. Could this fanclub thing really be the Asylum Renaissance that fans had been longing for?

...I have come today to a very difficult but necessary decision, and that is to discontinue the Emilie Autumn Official Fanclub. The site itself, and the community chatroom, will remain open to you indefinitely, but I will no longer be making updates to the site. (Newsletter, September 8, 2014📝)

...Never mind, then.
Turns out the fanclub had been the Headmistress' idea all along. EA had been reluctant from the start, and although she really enjoyed the live chats with a safe community of people “who are there for the right reasons”, she couldn't overcome her fundamental discomfort with the concept. Lifetime and regular members would receive a bunch of digital downloads and a -35% coupon on the Asylum Emporium for their troubles. EA said she would definitely pop back once in a while for live chats, for free, just for fun, but to my knowledge, she never did.
And so the most devoted fans were left standing in the rain...

She is happy, she made it. She is fulfilling her dreams, found love and happiness after all the pain. I understand that she now doesn’t need “us” anymore ... That doesn’t change the fact she broke my heart with taking the Asylum Army and the forum from me. Yet, I am happy for her. (🐀)

...while naysayers pointed and laughed, Nelson-style.🦠

I don’t feel sorry at all for the people that paid for the Asylum Army fan club. Most of them knew that EA is an atrocious business woman and has broken many promises before. In fact, I laugh at them. They seriously thought that EA would actually stay consistent with this? (🐀)

EVERYTHING MUST GO: THE ASYLUM WHOLESALE

EA fans were left without an “official” home for about three years. This gave them plenty of time to be annoyed at EA for: not releasing the audiobook on time, not materializing any new project for a while... and the new sin of peddling random, ridiculously marked-up AliBaba jewelry as “merch” on her official store. Think faux-antique cameo pendants and $30 Big Ben rings (...because the Asylum story is set in London, get it?).

The whole accessories section looks like a tacky overpriced English souvenir shop. (🐀)

The fanbase lost a lost of steam in those in-between years, because there wasn't much to stick around for. As evidenced by the positive reception of the AA live chats, even in the midst of unresolved drama, out-loud interactions in a friendly environment have always been EA's saving grace. Considering the amount of online hate, there are shockingly few accounts of bad IRL encounters with EA: most people say that in live conversation, she comes across as a fun, warm, and genuinely sweet person. Some report that their negative opinion shifted after meeting her.
But there were no chats or live shows anymore. There was only social media, where she ignored questions and vague-posted about overdue projects – and the newsletter📝, which was all saccharine love-bombing to promote bland dropshipped trinkets. For fans who remembered the handcrafted merch (and two-way communication) of the early years, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

​

37 Female - 5'4" - 130 lbs - ex smokevape - weekly alcohol use of like 1 or 2 on weekends - no drugs
Allergies: Erythromycin
My gallbladder was removed in 2011
Ok so, the situation, Wednesday morning I woke up at 4:30 AM to pee and it stung. I immediately knew I had a UTI and would go to my Durgent care once they opened to get antibiotics. Not five minutes later I had to pee again and there were blood clots. Never had blood clots before with a UTI and also I'm not super prone for UTIs like some people. I've had maybe 4 in my life.
It escalated pretty quickly. I went from no symptoms when I went to bed to passing massive clots and my urine looking like chunky strawberry jello within just a couple of hours.
So go to the Dr office, they take a sample (it comes back E Coli), give me a shot of Rocephin and a script for Bactrim to take for 7 days, 2 pills a day. Since then I have been taking the medicine but I'm still having horrible symptoms.
Now the blood, clots, stinging, anything related to the UTI cleared up within a day. However I started to develop fevers (no fevers prior to taking the antibiotics), chills, massive constant headaches. My skin hurts so bad it's painful to move. It's the kind of pain you get when you're sick but just very intense. Hurts the most right below my breasts but even just getting up to use the bathroom feels horrible because I'll get the chills and it tightens my skin and it's just very painful.
Other symptoms I still have: heart palpitations, hunger seemed to disappear Friday. I am forcing myself to eat. Prickling sensation in my hands that sometimes appear elsewhere on my body - this feeling is not constant but comes and goes. Can feel/hear blood pumping in my head which makes me feel like I've got fluid? Tired/Woozy feeling in general.
So my concern is that I've never had UTI symptoms last long once I start the antibiotics and it's usually easy sailing while I finish the script. These prolonged symptoms are weird for me. What could possibly be going on? Stubborn UTI? Sepsis? Back doesn't hurt for kidney infection. Could I be allergic to Bactrim?
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you!

How do you cope day-to-day with longterm loneliness? How do you cope when years of loneliness catch up and weigh you down all at once? I wake up every morning and feel like 1000lbs of bricks are sat on my chest. What can make life easier again, joyful?
My story: Dad was gone and mom is a non-functioning alcoholic. Step-dad died when I was 12. I was a loner in a small town. I did have 2 friends for awhile, we loved each other but I was left out often as the 3rd wheel in the group. The friendship didn't make it halfway through highschool. I left home when I got pregnant at 18 and haven't had a relationship with any family since(except sometimes my sister or aunt). I remember that not one person from my side of the family came to my baby shower. My child's father has addiction issues and is very in/out. We were never in a real relationship when i got pregnant. Now, over the last 6 months we did start a relationship and I fell for all of the "I want my family back" stuff. He told me a couple weeks ago he actually doesn't feel that way and doesn't like me. This affected me more than I thought it would. It felt like "the straw that broke the camels back" and I've just been so... aware of how alone I feel since then. His family are the only people that care to see our child, and I don't have a meaningful or consistent relationship with any of them. They are all extremely biased/supportive of my ex (whether he's doing good or bad) and it makes me feel alone, jealous, angry, sad. I dont have a single friend. I don't even know what or who I would say if someone asked me to name one friend. I dont talk to anybody other than chitchat/ small talk with other moms at school or sports. I'm 27 and starting to feel like it will be this way forever. I say that i have a hard time letting people in, but i dont know if anyone has ever actually tried to be let in. Making friends or trying dating apps somehow makes me feel more aware of my loneliness. I just feel out of place, everywhere. I feel like I'm literally living an entire life inside my own head. I wish I felt connected to something or someone, or felt needed or wanted. I wish I had a memory of feeling needed or wanted. Feel free to share a story or advice or anything really. Please don't be negative, I am just having a difficult time and don't know where to vent.
Thank you if you've read this far. Also, yes, I am currently looking for a therapist.
TL,DR : How do you cope with longterm loneliness? How do you cope when years of loneliness catch up and weigh you down all at once?

I am a 32-year-old gay, chubby, feminine male. I've recently had family trouble: my father has gone missing on the Navajo reservation, which has taken a toll on my family. I was never close with my father due to being the oldest and seeing his alcoholic abuse cause domestic violence against my mother. My brother, the second child, who should have been named Junior but wasn't, worshiped our father and started taking up his career. Now that our father is missing, this sibling has taken up the alcoholic title. Though he may not be abusive, my mother and I think he might turn out to be soon. The baby of the family has had a love-hate relationship with our father. He also loves to blame everyone for his personal issues and bad choices. He has mother issues and is now copying our second brother by drinking every day. Both of them drinking has led to poor financial decisions, putting my mother and me in debt as we try to fix our finances and provide food and keep the house up to date. We rent the house we live in, so if we decide to move, the owner will likely charge us for the accumulated minor damages. I think I am the only one worried about this situation. Our mother is devastated by our father's disappearance. In my mind, they were soulmates and high school sweethearts. She was the cheerleader, and he was the sports jock. They loved each other, but my father's alcoholism was a huge problem, so she raised all three of us mostly on her own. There is evidence suggesting foul play in our father's disappearance, adding another layer of complexity to our family troubles. A bit about me: I struggled with coming out of the closet until I had my first boyfriend in 2011. My mother was very homophobic due to her religious upbringing but eventually learned to accept me. That first relationship only lasted a few months because his mother made a comment about my transportation to his home. At the time, I had no car, so I took the bus. When she asked how I got there, his response was "the bus," to which she said, "The bus? Isn't that for peasants?" This made me uncomfortable and led to our breakup. He was my first and only boyfriend, and I've never dated after him. At a young age, I was molested by a male cousin, which I believe influenced my sexuality and femininity. I have forgiven him and learned to move on with my life without blaming him. I've always wanted a job in Hollywood but have come to realize that's not going to happen. However, I landed the second best thing: working and traveling with Broadway shows. I took my first tour for ten months, back in 2022, came home, and took a season off. On this tour, I grew from my experiences and became an independent adult. I feel like I became the best version of myself. On tour, I had no one but myself, and I became independent. Now that I'm back home, I feel like I have to take care of everyone and make decisions for the long run. I'm not going to lie, I was sleeping with guys left and right and living life. When I came home, I reconnected with two guys: one a young African American guy and the other a Hispanic guy. The African American guy was younger than me, well-endowed, about my height, and very slender. We had known each other for the years I was on tour. He was living alone and had his own place. We were hooking up, and that's it. We connected less during my tour. I then reconnected with the Hispanic guy. He is about my age, shorter than me, and very masculine. He's a gentleman. When we first met, he came to my place. I thought that I had cleaned myself well, but when I pulled out my buttplug, I realized I hadn't. I excused myself and re-douched. He was very understanding and sweet about the whole situation, and I fell in love with his charm. When he left that night, I hoped I didn't scare him off, but he messaged me a few weeks later, this time inviting me to his place. He turned on his fireplace and laid blankets on the floor for us, being tender and romantic. After this encounter, I overthought the situation, building an idealized image of him, which made me sick with worry. He says he owns a company, which is why he doesn't reply quickly, but my social media feeds suggest otherwise. He never checks on me, but the African American guy did from time to time. A few weeks after visiting the Hispanic guy, I messaged the African American guy to see if he wanted to meet up. He told me he had become homeless and was looking for a bed at a homeless shelter. He asked if he could stay with me until he found a bed. Despite being undecided, I agreed. The worst part was that he showed me what a relationship with him could be like: affection, endless cuddles, and companionship. It was everything I wished for in a relationship, but I had to remind myself that I was only helping him temporarily. In this short time, he showed me love and what life could be like with a boyfriend. However, we eventually argued over something small, and he left, leaving me heartbroken. Songs from Ariana Grande's album became my anthems: "We Can't Be Friends," "I Wish I Hated You," and "Imperfect for You." I miss him, but he's too young to forgive me. I still see the Hispanic guy, but I fear I'm building him up to be something he's not. He still takes a while to reply to my messages, and I make excuses for his absence. I hope we'll become something, but I think that's unlikely, which also breaks my heart. A week ago, my siblings and mother and I had a huge argument, all of us under the influence. It started with me telling my mother that I wanted to move out. She, being overbearing, shut down and pushed me away from the idea, using my drunk siblings to turn against me. This brought out the worst in everyone, with all the built-up envy and jealousy coming out. Now, I'm indecisive about my future. Should I take a traveling job and leave my mother alone with my siblings, knowing they're not in the right state of mind? Is the person I'm seeing worth my emotional investment?

This is an update post of my previous one
https://www.reddit.com/askgaybros/comments/1csq76s/my_straight_friend_kissed_me_unexpectedly/ Since so many of you took the time to write a comment and share your advice, I owe you an update
So things are going better, although they are still a bit cloudy.
Firsty, I decided to talk to the nurse. I was not very fond of nurses due to a previous bullying behavior I had received (not from her) due to my sexual preferences (one had actually called me a faggot just because I told her I was not interested for a woman she almost wanted me to marry, wtf)
I didn't tell her about the kiss, I vaguely said several things (but she's good at getting it). She said that although both of us are stupid, I'm less stupid cause I didn't get myself a gf. She also said that men are not good at thinking and if she was a lesbian she would be very happy (but she's exaggerating she's married to a guy and she loves him a lot). She more or less said that sometimes in life, we must claim what we want. She said that we should drink some wine. I told her none of us drinks and she said that we're beyond hopeless
Now about him
At first we didn't talk much. He said it himself too that it's awkward that none of us talks. I told him that silence is not awkward among friends. It's a sense of familiarity. We ordered dinner and we ate. We had coca cola (zero). We were supposed to watch a movie and then he just paused it and said you know what i don't know why I kissed you. I panicked when you started crying, I'd never seen you cry and I wanted you to feel better. It felt good kissing you but I just don't know, don't ask me beyond this. I'm not good at talking about these things.
I told him I liked the kissing too. I didn't tell him he was an instant crush. I told him that I didn't expect him to kiss me, but it felt amazing. He said these days he was constantly thinking of the moment we kissed and it felt weird. Even when he slept with his gf, he was thinking about it and he wanted to be alone (they don't live together but they sleep together some days per week). His gf said that he's colder (she was constantly complaining that he's cold but he got worse, she says). He also said that it's the first time his personal time made him troubled. He only cared for work and everything else was just going smoothly.
He was thinking again and again what he should tell me. He can sum it up to "I want you to be happy and he doesn't want us to be distant ever again".
I told him that I love him and I worried a lot. He said that I'm the only person that has made him feel happy. I always made him to want to get better (and actually, this is the way he made me feel).
I slept on his couch again. But he slept on the couch next to that. The following day we had breakfast together, we went to the gym together (took turns for the shower nothing "weird" about it). We did some cooking together (I think none of us can really cook on his own, but together we can do a nice meal). We slept again (no idea why we needed so much sleep honestly). We played PS5 and then we went to a concert. We returned very late and slept again at his couch. His gf was furious bc they didn't get out at all (he would go to her place later).
He also told me that he's not sure what exactly is he doing in his life, but he will figure. He told me a thought of his, of going abroad for a semester for training. This is a thought of mine that I had discussed with him a lot. He asked me if I minded him tagging along. I told him all this is in the air (making it to the same place), but I would love to.
So.. what I'm receiving from all these is that he's confused. When we parted he kissed me in the cheek. I would have tried to kiss him back but I really can't. I've never managed to kiss in the cheek, I'm always ending up kissing the air next to the cheek. I didn't say much, I didn't try more intimacy or anything. But all these show that he wants us to be friends?

I’ll preface this by saying I know there’s no excuse and I’m a total cunt. I’m under a lot of pressure and stress at the moment but that doesn’t excuse my actions, far from it.
Planned on having a few beers with my fiancé and watching the original Star Wars trilogy as she had never seen them. We’ve been having issues for months, mainly communication.
Everything started out fine, few beers, watched the first one, few more beers, put dinner on while we watched the second. During the second movie I ran out of beer. Now I should mention I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and decided I drink too much, and should cut down (24 pack over the weekend was pretty usual, I rarely drink spirits).
Once I ran out it was still quite early, around 7.30pm I think. While I was cooking I had an idea (a terrible one), I have a few bottles of spirits in the cupboard. I grabbed the sambuca and had a shot. I’ve only had that a couple of times in my life, last time was my 40th last year (this was a left over bottle, about 1/3 left).
I don’t remember the last half of the party, as apparently when I drink sambuca I blackout, turn into a cunt and spend the next day or two feeling like complete shit, thought it was a one off because of all the other booze I’d had that night, nope.
I went back a few more times for another shot, and before you know it the bottle is gone. I don’t remember a thing and had to be filled in my now ex fiancé. Apparently I started talking about suicide, verbally abusing her and just being a general fucking idiot. She said I’d gone to bed, got back up, continued to be a dickhead, vomited and she made me go back to bed.
I woke up at 5.30am, still drunk, confused, alone in bed. Somehow managed to lose my clothes? I had texted some drunken gibberish that she had replied to at some point, and I replied when I woke up drunk. In my haze I thought we had a fight and broke up. We started texting and arguing, which had been the norm lately. Thinking we were already broken up I kind of doubled down and started being more of a cunt.
Well she’s been and dropped the ring off, and everything else I had at hers. I lost the love of my life, an absolute gem of a woman that’s stuck by me through 5 years, because I have a drinking problem and I’m a fucking idiot.
That’s it, I’m done. No more alcohol. I’m going sober so this shit never happens again. I threw the remaining bottles away. Can’t believe it, it’s like a bad dream I can’t wake up from.
Watch your drinking people, I never thought I had an issue but I clearly do.
TLDR: Got shitfaced, was a cunt to my fiancé, am now single.

Hey Roleplayers and Reddit users!
I've been wanting to do this for a while now and I am looking for people who want to play a character of the game (male only) to pair with me (female only character of the game) for some fun longterm RP. I have several plots prepared and ideas to share depending on what character you'd want to write/write with and I am happy to discuss more details and possible plots.
Heroes I am willing to write for this RP would be:
My preference is Gency, but I am terribly terribly picky about this and made a lot of horrible experiences. This is something I kind of want done right and if I don't see that happening, I am not willing to write this. If you are equally interested in building their relationship from the longterm point of view, I'd like to discuss.
Other than that I'll gladly play :

• young Ana
• Sombra
• D.va
• Ashe
• Kiriko
• Widow
• Mercy

If you have ideas for this, wishes you want to include I am happy to discuss! That being said though, I am a very detailed writer and like it if my partners are as well, two paragraphs should be the least you should be able to write and maybe even extend it a little further. Third person would also be perfect, I think writing in first person is kind of awkward and I am not comfortable doing that.
One of my ideas as example is as follows: Both our characters are on a mission. The two need to work together to gather information, perhaps rescue a fellow agent. It is tense. The alarm is going off, red lights are filling corridors and guards begin to flood the building. They will have to hurry to complete their goal without being caught.
Another idea could be more about the slice of life part, what is happening behind the scenes, maybe even the mental toll these missions and the huge pressure has on the involved people. They could build a proper relationship, work on conquering their fears as well as work on themselves to become better and greater heroes! Naturally, I am in for all the action as well. Let's go beat up some bad (or good) guys!
I am pretty active but I only RP on discord so please keep that in mind. Also, I want to speak out a content warning for mature content. Please send the word hero to me so I know you've read this all in your first message.
I usually write 3 paragraphs as the least amount and would like for my partner to match me.
The following will be a roleplay sample of mine which depicts a semblance of my literacy:
____________________________________________________________________________
Their escape through the ventilation system was not the greatest exit strategic, additionally, it was flawed and their position easily compromised. Amelie had already begun to lead the way towards what she figured was the very edge of the fortress where they'd be able to slither away into the night, but he was certainly not making this any more pleasant with his urgent request to hurry. "I am going as quick as I can, but as you are aware, wet clothes stick to these smooth surfaces perfectly well," and indeed it made it quite difficult to shift along the metal of the shafts. She felt the heat too, though for her the very start was certainly only comforting, drying both their bodies and clothes just a little before they'd soon face the consequences and most likely either burn to charcoal or get some lovely burn marks along their skin. That was what she expected, just until his larger frame pushed and squirmed past her before he could even see the glare she was shooting at him. "What do you think you are doing?" She asked lowly, and watched him repeatedly smack his arrow against the relatively thin wall of the ventilation shaft, that soon bulged and began to give in.
Her attention however was caught by his tattooed arm, which seemed to faintly illuminate the air in bright blue. It was just how the rumors proved. Something about him, about that tattoo he donned on his arm that gave him strength on an unimaginable scale. With great curiosity as she witnessed this did Amelie watch the wall next to them burst open, and him slip outside. No hesitation within her motions she followed, and the both stood shielded from the flames that followed. There was a certain thankfulness within her eyes as she looked upon him, knowing there was no reason for each other to linger. Nodding gently, she bid him a word-less farewell before Amelie too, disappeared into the night.
Months had passed after their run in and the mission report handed to Akande caused him to end up a little displeased over the next few days. He wanted the Shimada to be part of Talon, to have his power under their control and thus, increased the offered amount of money and goods should he ever end up appearing once more. Little did either of them know that the famed spider would soon once more come into the view of the archer.
Brazil, ten in the evening. Music played and echoed through the halls, setting the mood for such a high-class event where drinks were shared, dances were executed and most importantly, deals were made. Amelie attended on behalf of Talon, naturally so as she mostly would serve as informant that very night. As such, her gun was not a piece of her attire tonight.
Amelie stood tall and proud as she always did, and her dress once more proved that she was a confident woman. The black dress vacant of any prints upon it did her body justice. Cutting off high upon her thighs, a slit on the side revealing even more of those long, firm legs, the very front was just as revealing, the V shape cutting a rift between her plump breasts, fitting for a beautiful woman like her while the back was cut deep, revealing that signature spider tattoo on her pale skin that was caressed by the tip of her ponytail.
Her hand was firmly wrapped around a glass of red wine she sipped from while circling the area a little, searching for anyone worth being noted and not quite aware that a familiar archer was in the very same room. She stood with her back towards his direction at first, before she desired to move once more and caught the sight of the archer out of the corner of her eyes. He might have seen her smirk slyly, before she turned away again. Amelie knew when she was the huntress, but she did not approach her prey this time. No, he would need to hunger for a taste of her, and that'd let him approach her while she remained still.
Naturally, her thoughts had wandered to him before, thought back on his warmth he soared her in that locker, and at times she humored the thought of a misses romance, even if she was aware it was foolish and nothing alike her. No, she was the heartless woman that murdered her own husband years back, cold to the touch and emotionless. The perfect weapon that once had a loving heart.
____________________________________________________________________________
If you are interested please message me and let's work something out <3

Hello everyone,
I'm trying to gain weight and have noticed some changes in my bowel habits that are starting to concern me. I'd like to share my situation in detail to get advice on whether what I'm experiencing is normal or if I should consult a professional.

1. Diet and Caloric Intake: I increased my caloric intake from around 2200 -2600 calories a day to 3000. My diet is mainly focused on complex carbohydrates (like oats, brown rice, and sweet potatoes), lean proteins (chicken breast, turkey, red meat, legumes), and healthy fats (avocado, olive oil, nuts). I've also added more fruits and vegetables to maintain a good fiber intake.
2. Changes in Bowel Habits: Before this change in diet, my bowel movements were quite regular, once a day with normal consistency. Now, I go 2 to 3 times a day, and the stools are much softer, sometimes bordering on diarrhea. There is no blood, but the frequency and consistency are quite different from usual.
3. Supplements and Hydration: I've started supplementing my diet with a bit more whey protein powder, which I take post-workout. I also drink at least 3 liters of water a day to try to stay well hydrated.
4. Additional Symptoms: I don’t have severe abdominal pain, nausea, or vomiting, but I sometimes experience mild cramps after eating, especially after meals high in fiber.

Personal Details: I am 24 years old, male, 6’2” (188 cm) tall, and weigh 156 lbs (71 kg).
My question is: Are this frequency and consistency of bowel movements common during a bulking phase? Is it something that others have experienced? Should I be concerned and talk to a doctor or a dietitian, or are there adjustments I could try on my own before seeking professional help?
Thanks in advance for any advice or experiences you can share. I want to make sure I proceed in the healthiest way possible during this stage of my muscle growth.

basically as the title says. i suffer greatly from executive dysfunction and racing thoughts, constantly suffering from burnout, even if i haven't done anything to cause that level of mental and physical exhaustion
there are plenty of things i want to do like get back into working out, prioritise skincare, drink more water and overall be more healthy and body concious, but i find i spend a lot more time thinking about it and planning it out as opposed to actually DOING any of these things. i set alarms on my phone for basic reminders like brushing my teeth and taking my medication (as these are both things i embarrassingly struggle with) but more often than not, im in the middle of something or suffer from the previously mentioned executuve dysfunction and by the time i get around to doing the task, its hours later and ive missed my window of oppurtunity
im currently on the waiting list to be rediagnosed with adult ADHD (because apparently you need to be reassessed to start medication if you were diagnosed in your teens?). NHS wait times are a nightmare and im not sure when im going to be able to be seen, but in the meantime i want to get into the habit of practicing a routine i can actually stick to so i can prepare for bigger responsibilities like getting back into work
any suggestions?

Hi! I guess I got you to click here! I wish I was rich enough to give you a new car or something. Maybe one day!
Anyways, what can I give you? Fast responses, the best friendship ever, encouragement, and great talks! Maybe I can also buy you a drink or food if things work out. I’m Asian and in good shape if that matters since appearance matters for some.
Why am I here? I’m just looking to pass time and maybe make a new friend along the way! Things are happening in my life, so a distraction talking to people is always nice! I’m not looking for anything serious so sorry if you are, but I wish you the best!
Who are you? Someone who’s quick at responding and enjoys having quality conversations. Maybe someone who’s also trying to stay in shape or in great shape so we can always keep each other motivated since the age weight is slowly getting to me if I don’t stay disciplined. The most important thing is to just be a good person that’s willing to meet someone new!
Shoot me a chat with an introduction if you’re interested! Looking forward to meeting you!

Itsu, the well-known sushi and Japanese food chain has a loyalty scheme that gives pretty decent freebies after every few purchases.
Download the app, collect a 'butterfly' with each £5 spend and get a free gift with your 1st purchase. You then receive free gifts with every 3rd (choose any snack), 5th (choose any "Zen" drink) and 7th (any Itsu meal!) purchase thereafter.
Currently, when you sign up the the loyalty scheme via a friend, we'll both receive a butterfly each.
How to collect your freebies:

1. Download the Itsu app: https://www.itsu.com/loyalty/
2. Enter my referral code (for one free butterfly) when it asks for one: 25917
3. Spend at least £5 in-store, scan the app and claim a free miso soup on top
4. That's it! Get friends and family to sign up to collect more butterflies (you can share and receive 1 butterfly per week)

Enjoy! :)
Non-referral link: https://www.itsu.com/loyalty/

Hi! I wish I could use my personal account but because some people I know are aware of my user, I wanted to post anonymously. :)
So, my mom (49F) is someone who is very sweet and kind. She's pretty patient, might be a little strict, and pretty smart. I (20F) do like being around her presence and like to hang-out in the smallest of ways. In fact, we have hung out earlier in the day to go shopping in the mall. However, the problem is that she is a huge alcoholic and is in recovery, but she occasionally still drinks and is extremely lightweight, so one shot and she's gone. And when she's drunk, she does get very aggressive and very annoying quickly. There has been times where she's taken things too far, such as kicking me out when I was a young teenager for a night knowing that I didn't have anywhere else to go, thrown things at much such as makeup powder, and has once abandoned me in the middle of nowhere and drove off while drunk. Yes, I will get to that in a second.
But after these, she usually apologizes when sober and tries to make up for it by attempting to stop drinking or talking to me like an adult. I eventually just let it go because I try my best to understand.
Tonight was just insane though. Genuinely.
It all started with the fact that she had left her phone in this family friend's car and she was proposing the idea for her to drive because she was worried that the friend would snoop around it (yeah, It's stupid). Me and my sister (19F) were shooting the idea down because we both didn't want her to get into trouble for drunk driving so I was able to hide her car keys. I was calmly explaining to her that she cannot drive and that maybe she should sleep it off so we can get it in the morning. Instead, my mom kept denying and instead was insisting that she can use our phone to call the family friend. We did try, but there was no answer and for some reason, my mom couldn't accept that truth. She was getting angry and degrading us by calling us "stupid" and "useless." Then after so much insisting, she suddenly lunged at my sister to grab her phone and was fighting her for it.
I'm not sure if it was the unpredictability or the instinct to protect, but I instantly grabbed a hold of my mom's wig and attempted to pull her off of my sister. My mom was yelling at me in pain and anger, which caused her to punch me in my stomach and she was essentially attacking both me and my sister for not only the phone, but also her keys. Every time she laid a hand on my sister successfully with smacks, I hit her and pulled on her wig more to make her stop. This got out of control so bad that my mom had pulled out a knife on us and kept screaming at me specifically to give her the keys. Every time I rejected her, she would begin to charge at the bedroom my sister would end up hiding in or she would begin to catch up to me.
This did get worse because eventually me and my sister would lock my mom out of the bedroom and she would be non-stop trying to break it open just because she wanted her keys. She used a hammer at some point and I'm shocked that the door didn't break from there, but we were scared. We did record everything that we could and threatened to call the cops, and yes, it was a stupid thing we said since we didn't actually want to have my mom in trouble again with the law over her obnoxious behavior.
To put an end to it all, after almost two hours of having to hold the door, my mom had wandered out and it had to come down for me and my sister to attempt finding her in the middle of the night. Turns out that she faked wandering over and had just hid somewhere or something because by the next hour we came back from looking, my mom was passed out on the couch.
As I'm writing this I've been barely able to get any sleep and it's probably because my heart is pumping like crazy. Me and my sister did definitely make a plan to move out as soon as we save up enough money for an apartment because of how insane this all was.
I know this is so stupid but I can't help but feel horrible for having to ruin my mom like this and hitting her. I've always heard the concept that if someone is aggressive while drunk, it's best to not provoke them further or to fight them back. I also wish that I could've handled this situation better than having to resort to violence. I don't know if I should apologize profusely for it or even acknowledge it at this point. I feel bad because I know my mom drinks for the sake of her mental health and I get it since we both suffer from depression, but I'm pretty conflicted.

EDIT: I totally forgot to add context to the whole idea of my mother abandoning me in the middle of nowhere when I was younger and her getting in trouble with the law, she did end up facing consequences for it because it turns out she had hit another car for her reckless drunk driving. Luckily, no one was hurt.