I get nervous face flushes and feel warm

tl;dr - one leg is much more resilient to kicking heavy bag than the other.
Hello, I’m a couple of months into Muay Thai now, and having some weird swelling on one leg when kicking.
When I kick the heavy bag with my rear leg, even when taking care to kick softly at first to warm up, I get swelling on my shin, like a goose egg. I took a couple of weeks of care, wearing my shin guard during bag drills until the egg was totally gone, but then first time without the guard it was right back.
When I do my switch kicks, I can kick much much harder, and my shin will get bruised but doesn’t swell up.
Has anyone encountered this? Any recommendations are very welcome, this is very frustrating, it feels like I can’t get real practice in kicking with my rear leg.

I'll just tell the end of the story because I feel it sums up why I'm leaving really well:
Our poor boss is brand new in his position. He had to call us into an emergency huddle because a coworker had a nervous breakdown and is now on leave. Another coworker just cried throughout the meeting. The poor guy tried desperately to assure us that we are in fact appreciated and he sees the work we do. He said it would be tough organizing the work between us (we're all already overworked, mind you) but we'd figure it out.
I had a meeting with one of the execs I assist after this (who ignored my attempts to get any kind of feedback about my work but always made sure to chastise me in front of people at meetings) and let her know what happened and that it may effect my turnaround times.
She said "Oh.....anyways, what are we looking at today".
At that moment I just had flashbacks to my previous job and how my boss there was so encouraging of my success. How he always fought for me to be recognized.
In that moment I knew. It was either accept the fail on this one of have my own nervous breakdown. I'm lucky as hell I have the ability to step away, but I'm not waiting for it to get worse.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do yet. I just know it's not permit myself to be stuck in an environment like that long term. I wasn't even being paid an amount where it was worth reconsidering.
I'm afraid to get another similar position. I don't know if I could go through something like this again. I don't want to give up on this as a potential future job, but also don't know if it would always be like this.

Ten years ago this year, I was selected for a residential internship-like program. I had to move across the country for it. The program was a year long and immediately followed my college graduation. As a 21 year old, I was excited for the new adventure.
The day I found out I was accepted, I told my boyfriend at the time, Sean.
"You're not going to do it, right?" He asked.
He didn't want me to leave him. And while the thought of being long distance sucked, I wanted the experience. I told him that I would be doing the program and that I would help come up with a plan for our shared apartment.
Every day between learning about the program and leaving for it, Sean grumbled to me. Why didn't I stay local and look for a job around our college town? Sean had a couple of more semesters left in his grad program so he couldn't move with me. I thought about what it would mean to turn down the program. It would mean missing out on cool travel opportunities and work experience that I wouldn't get if I stayed in College Town, USA. I told Sean that I loved him a lot but I needed to do this.
I had reasons to believe that Sean would still be living in our apartment when my program ended. He told me there were a few organizations that recruited heavily from his grad program and he felt certain he could get a job with one of them after graduation. I left all of our shared furniture and kitchen stuff in our apartment and packed up my personal items like clothes with me. My program paid for my housing and food and Sean decided that he could pay for our one bedroom by himself.
The program was challenging and at times not very fun. On video calls with Sean, he reminded me that I should have just stayed with him in our college town.
The year progressed. Sean finished his program but couldn't find a job in town. The lease of our apartment ended and he decided to pack everything up and move back to his mom's house. She lived two hours away in an area so rural that the house didn't even have a provider for internet.
"Don't worry," Sean told me. "There's room for you here. And I have a Hotspot. It's not great for streaming. But you could do job applications and check emails."
It was nice that Sean told me that. My own mother told me that she rented out my childhood bedroom and that there was no room for me at her place.
Sean got a part time job at a grocery store. He told me that he was looking far and wide for a full time professional job and we could move together wherever that was.
As my program started to come to an end, I also started my own job search. And it wasn't long before I found a full time professional job in my degree area. The experience I had gained in my internship had paid off! But the job was about 500 miles from where Sean lived with his mom in an unknown town.
When I told Sean, I thought he would be happy for me. The New Town was unfamiliar to both of us but it looked like it had plenty of opportunities for Sean.
"You're not going to take it, right?" Sean asked when I told him.
"Actually," I said. "I am."
I explained how I didn't want to live at his mom's house. Sean slept in a twin size bed in a room hardly bigger than a closet. I imagined trying to make that work with the two of us.
"Well," Sean replied. "You can take the job. But I'm not moving with you. And I'm not doing long distance."
I felt devastated. But I imagined what it would feel like to turn down a job doing what I went to school for only to sit unemployed at my boyfriend's mom's house all day. The house was small. It had one bathroom. I had to walk through my boyfriend's mom's bedroom to access the kitchen. I felt grateful that it was even an option because otherwise, I might have faced homelessness. But if I had any other choice, I would not be moving there.
"Okay," I told Sean. "I'll think about it."
Later that day, I signed my acceptance paperwork for the job.
Sean was irate.
"You didn't even talk to me about this first," he hissed. I had. He had given me his ultimatum. I understood perfectly.
With my offer letter, I was able to sign for a one bedroom apartment at a brand new complex, one with a giant pool in the middle and a gym. It was an entrance to the middle class that felt too good to be true. Sean and I both hadn't grown up without a lot of money. Actually, that was an understatement. Sean had grown up in abject poverty.
I told Sean that he didn't have to move but if he could help me bring my stuff to my new place, I'd be appreciative. He agreed.
"Woah, this place is very nice," Sean commented when he saw it.
He decided to stay and I felt so happy. I felt so alone in this new town and Sean felt like warmth and home, even with the ugly ultimatum he had given me.
Within a month, Sean found a job in his degree field in New Town.
And I wish this was the end of the story. That Sean apologized to me for discouraging me from doing the internship program or taking the job. That he told me that my hard work had paid off.
No. Instead, Sean complained to me and constantly compared New Town to College Town. In College Town, we lived in a bar district and could walk to go get a drink. In New Town, we had to drive to get to a bar. Sean hated that we had to limit ourselves so that we could drive home. On Saturday nights, he reminded me that in College Town, we would be at a house party.
Sean missed College Town so much that I suggested we both look for jobs there. With some more work experience, we might be better candidates than when we were fresh from school. I found a job first and told Sean that if he would like to break the lease and move with me, I'd make enough to support both of us while he looked for a job. Sean told me that he didn't want to be my dependent and that he would prefer to stay in our current place in the town he hated rather than be unemployed.
Of course, I understood this. I was just glad that he didn't insist I give up my job opportunity back in College Town.
It took Sean another two months to find a job in College Town. I thought his homecoming would be jubilant. But he was sad and bitter. A lot of our college friends had moved from the area in the two years we had lived in New Town. We also didn't want to live near the university because of the noise and higher crime rate. Instead, we opted to live about 15 minutes away from the students and the bar district that served them.
Our move back to College Town felt very similar as our move to New Town. We didn't know that many people. Our part of town was unfamiliar. We still weren't going to house parties every Saturday night like we were when we were students. And Sean was even more bitter.
I'm not sure what actions we could have taken to have made Sean happy. But I know that the two of us fought about the move to New Town often. In fact, six years after the move down and four years after the move back up, we had one more final blowout fight about it. And that was the end of the relationship. I remember Sean's ultimatum. And it feels funny to know that he was sort correct. Taking the job was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Even if the break up took years to brew. It was me that ended it. I couldn't live with his constant resentment anymore.
And I think often about what would have happened if Sean had gotten his way. Would I be a manager at the grocery store in his mom's rural town sharing a twin size bed?

This is also a bit of a rant post, sorry.
tl;dr:
I did not enjoy doing the trials. Are there more optional areas like this or this area the exception and not the rule in terms of difficulty?
Rant version:
So, maybe this is just a mobile thing, but I haven't really been a fan of two things during my time playing this.
1) The chat bubble location. Maybe I'm just holding the phone wrong while playing but I find that my palm or part of my thumb regularly accidentally triggers the chat button which gets in the way of gameplay.
2) Movement, especially jumping. More often than not, I'll try to jump or run and the game just doesn't do what I want. The game almost feels like it has a mind of its own when I'm standing on the edge of something where I either want to jump or run off the ledge and the game does the opposite (or nothing at all and I'm still just standing there).
All this to say that I found the Cave of Prophecies a few days ago and while the above issues are normally an inconvenience at best, the trials here made them genuine grievances.

• Water trial was fine and felt decently challenging. Actually enjoyed the reward at the end being able to freely explore by walking on the water. In hindsight, the only trial I have an net positive experience on.
• Earth trial was where things started getting dicey. I liked exploring my way through at first but the spinning blocks were a problem. Even though they were optional, I wanted to light all the red candles on one of them and it honestly felt random while trying to go from one face of the block to the next whether I would be violently flung off it because I'm guessing the game thought I wanted to jump off a ledge, slide off the edge I was on, or jump in place and not have enough time to do another jump. By the end of the trial, I was actually afraid to explore because I was worried I'd fall and have to do that last section again.
• Air was the point where I think I was actively fighting the controls. I think one thing I can say about each trial is they start off pretty interesting but gradually devolve into feeling like BS. During the later half where you had to light the candles to trigger the air bursts, I felt like I had no idea to get consistent distance. Sometimes I'd barely be flung at all. Other times it felt like I needed to quickly switch to the other flight mode for a second to get more distance, but the button to make the switch would often show up either too late. Also there would be times where I want to make the switch but I 'pressed' the chat button, so the keyboard overlaps it. Then there's the last jump where it felt like there was some invisible wall blocking me 95% of the time. This jump alone made me look up a guide for the game for the first time.
• Fire was actually mostly fine? It definitely overstayed its welcome but the only major complain was the single candle radius feeling too small. Like, I could run and overshoot it and then have to walk back. Or to go back to complaining about the controls, I'd almost be at a candle and want to slow down to avoid overshooting it only for the game to interpret that as "walk slower than a snail" and somehow not get to the candle in time before dying.

I've enjoyed the exploration aspect of the game so far and would like to do as much of the optional content as possible, but this has heavily soured my opinion on that. 3/4 of the trials for me felt difficult not because of the content being a challenge, but because it felt like the controls sucked. Should I expect other optional areas to be like this?

idk this has been a weird thing to think abt and to try and talk abt irl so here. kinda long sorry.
i (20F) have been single my entire life. i had a few people interested in me throughout high school, but i was never interested in return, not even enough for a friendly first date. i kick myself for it now because i’ve never even been on a date in all my 20 years and i don’t have the slightest clue how i would even navigate one but we move.
i’ve only had two major crushes — one on a guy that i’m like 95% sure liked me back but we were both chicken shit freshman. the other was my girl bff that took advantage of the fact that i was coming to terms with discovering my bisexuality and used me as an emotional punching bag that would stroke her ego.
i’ve never had any kind of sexual encounters with anyone but myself, i don’t like dating apps despite my best pathetic efforts, hell, i’ve only had one kiss in my life and it was a drunken peck with aforementioned ex girl bff. my only friends now are just a gay guy i like to get drunk with every 6 months and my long distance bff across the country.
this is meant in the least self-absorbed way possible, but i just feel it’s relevant: i’m able to step back and acknowledge I’m a pretty girl. i don’t have a big head about it, but i can look in the mirror and think i look good no matter the effort put in or whatever. but i begin to doubt myself because, what if im not? i know im far from perfect, but i really don’t think im that hard to be around. i’m not hideous, i can keep conversation going and make jokes so people will warm up. i can be sarcastic and kinda aloof i guess, but i like to talk with people and they usually don’t leave with a sour taste in their mouths, so what gives? am i just good for temporary company? if people need favors or to vent?
obviously doesn’t feel great — more often than not, i just sit around lonely and feeling like there’s some invisible force repelling everyone from me. at the end of the day, i just think i’m undesirable, if not physically then definitely personality-wise. i can make friends easily, but it just feels like i’ll never be seen as someone more than just the funny little sidekick. that i’m not someone worthy of a deep connection and unwavering love and care.
sometimes i think it’s because i live in a crappy suburban hell i feel stunted in, most days i really feel like it’s just something with me that i really can’t figure out no matter how much meditation and therapy i try.

It seemed pretty normal at first. New parent anxiety stuff. Like if I was in our bedroom with our daughter, he'll panic just leaving to go to the bathroom. He won't take 10 minutes away just to shower. He says he just hears her screaming when he's in there, even if she's not. He's keeping himself up all night just to watch her.
Only 2 weeks after we got home, it started getting so much worse. He's securing our home thinking someone's coming to kidnap her. He gets nervous having his own mother around her. Some weeks later when we got to the point we started taking her out in public, on 2 occasions, he took her and ran out of the store with her because he thought someone was following us trying to take her.
This is getting so exhausting. I'm trying to be as understanding as I can but he's not being rational at all. He's an amazing and active parent but he's adding too much stress to my life right now. I hate saying that.
His mother always know how to set him straight except for now. She came over and I'm not happy at all how she handled it. She started yelling and cursing at him that he's a shitty parent and leaving me to do everything (he's literally doing like 90% of everything right now, I just can't take the added stress and worry he's putting on me). That just made him scream and curse back. Now neither of them will talk to each other.
I feel like I'm fighting a battle I can't win

Over the last few months, I have been on this board multiple times asking questions and talking about my son's baseball journey. There have been ups and downs but I never, NEVER thought I would be faced with this! I know as dads we should always support our kids and their life choices, no matter how odd they may seem. I understand that it is HIS life and not mine. However, I feel that 9 years old is WAY too young to make potentially life altering decisions that very well may end up being a turning point in his young life.
I mean, kids have to be 18 to smoke or get a tattoo! Heck, you can't even get in to watch an R rated movie as a kid. With that said tell me why? WHY IN THE WORLD? would my wife allow him to buy a sliding mitt! Even though it was with his own money! :o)
Obviously, I'm making a joke but dang I hate those things.

Hello I am a 26m who was recently diagnosed with urticarial vasculitis based on a skin biopsy. I’m unsure if that is 100% the diagnosis as I still have to meet with an allergist and rheumatologist. I had my very first manifestation of the condition in late December and I had purpuric lesions on my legs, butt, and lower abdomen as well as petechiae on my arms. I did notice some lesions on my tongue at that time, but it was around the same time I was hospitalized and they cleared up shortly after starting treatment. I also had mild hematuria and proteinuria that resolved as treatment progressed.
I went into remission in early January after 5 days in the hospital and I was asymptomatic until late April when I started noticing purpura on my legs again. This time, the flare up is mild and the lesions are limited to my lower legs and are less in number and smaller in size and clear up in a few days before new ones pop up.
My main concern is that two weeks ago, I started noticing some lesions on my mouth/tongue as well as a bit of a sore throat and some sinus discomfort. I also noticed my temperature would elevate slightly to about 99.3 F and my face would feel flushed, but no fever. I am currently on 20mg prednisone/day which has alleviated symptoms, but I still see the inflammation on my tongue/mouth and my throat is still a little sore and raspy at times. I had bloodwork and urine done two weeks ago to make sure none of my organs were being affected and everything came back good. At what point should I go to urgent care or the ED for this?
Pictures of mouth: https://imgur.com/a/vZFR10O
All test results + pictures of skin lesions: https://imgur.com/a/SXIRfR2

helllooo, i'm cupid. i'm a bit lost on friendships rn. i tend to want connections so badly & then my mental health dips, i panic + pull away. so, here i am -- trying to fix it. lemme show you. if you're curious about my face, let's get it out of the way now, this is me, the red/black split dye is the recent version of me.
if you're someone who wants a person who'll nurture you, i'm her. i will water you like you've never experienced a single drop of water in your life. i will tell you when you're wrong & i will stand up for you when i believe you to be right. i am wholeheartedly involved in my friendships but i just struggle with the feeling of being terrified to be connected to people. past friendships [& relationships] have left me scorned.
i will genuinely offer you diamonds in the form of friendship, just reciprocate it. i will offer you the safest, most non-judgement free zone you can imagine, you are always - always, safe with me. i just ask that you are a good, kind, compassionate friend to me. you can literally tell me anything in the world and if it isn't hurting anyone else, i will listen without judgment. i promise you. i'll also send you spotify songs that i really enjoy, so again - hi. hello.
i'm smitten with people who are weird but not weird enough to make others uncomfy, or unable to enjoy the weirdness, ya know? i know you know. i like people who are into things that others mostly aren't: tarot, astrology, deep conversations, things like that. i might not actively be participating in said things but i like hearing the perspective of people who are! my friends always joke that i'm the person people say "i can fix her!" about but uh, i'm awesome. i don't need fixed. ✨ i adore social connections but i do come with a social battery and it needs refilled. me needing that time does not negate the connection i have built with you and am nurturing with you. i am trying my hardest to maintain friendships, so please give me a chance.
on to the fun tingz (and the stuff that will hopefully bring you in),

• watching my first ever anime, try to guess it [let's pretend my first actual one wasn't death note & that it wasn't the live action] -- most people love the "blue eyed handsome one"
• i'm the best wingman, hypeman & support team all in one
• horror fan through & through, but honestly, i prefer them less gory now lol, especially emotional horror
• cat loverrrr but will accept your frog [& all other animals] - so send pics. stat.
• known for dirty looks when i'm dissociating but i'm really just so focused on not existing
• graphic design major who switched to cybersecurity & will be starting this month, wish ya girl luck 💅
• gamer [valorant, ow2, cs2, hunt: showdown, pummel party, modded Minecraft, modded stardew,++]
• i don't play league, my mental health is terrible enough, thank you. i also don't play wow, my attention span could never. i do, however, play valorant because i don't like myself that much. i got you there, didn't i?
• loves to make make random noises but forgets my krisp isn't on
• mexican food 4 ever
• someone give me a banh mi please, they look so good, i'm desperate
• spotify songs are a love language, so lemme recommend you something

i am ✨sPiCy✨so if that bothers you, i am sorry. i, again, am a genuinely kind person but i do have a snarkiness to me that is meant to be a slight "i love you" + dash of bully. ❤

Not the first time I've come across MCAS as a possibility for my symptoms over the years, but the first time I'll be talking about it with my doctor. Ive posted in histimine groups and ultimately always lead to histimine intolerance or MC related, but NAD so who knows. I'm (38f) going on 12-15years of some symptoms, longer for others, and emotionally done with doctors because I'm always told "nothing is wrong with me." To be honest, I can't even remember all my symptoms from the past or all the tests run on me over the years. Here's what I do remember in a nutshell:
Possible symptoms that I can think of right now: - Awful acne as a teenager - Terrible digestive issues as a teenageearly adult. Feeling of constant bubbles and gas popping in my stomach. Most likely dairy related. I'm not dairy free now, but diet is a lot cleaner and no more bubbles (most of the time) - bloating - incredibly heavy periods that I was always told 'is normal.' I'm talking bleeding through a super tampon AND pad in 45 minutes, can't step away from the bathroom, heavy. Since my period started. Only birth control makes this better. - Tinnitus in right ear. Sounds like blood pumping through my ear. Gets really loud if I lay in certain positions. - Fatigue, brain fog, irritability/anger -Panic attacks/anxiety - used to bruise incredibly easy as a child, not since (came across easy brushing as a symptom to MCAS in an research article, thought I'd mention it) - Periodontal disease - joint paint in both hands, but mostly right-hand. Xrays and MRO showed nothing. Doctors couldn't explain it and guessed it could be related to neuropathy (listed below) - one miscarriage? (Could just have been bad luck here) - I had a random bought of Raynauds last year. Fingers and mouth started turning blue. Called an ambulance but ended up canceling it when the blueness went away because I felt find otherwise. Hasn't happened since. - two types of rosacea that were just officially diagnosed through a skin biopsy, but I've has symptoms for many years. I always thought my childhood acne turned into adult acne, but I finally had a flareup diagnosed. My skin is always red, and I get rosacea rashs on my neck and face after being exposed to certain triggers. -unexplained lower back pain in my early 20s. Doctors said nothing was wrong with me. I couldn't sleep I was in so much pain. This lasted for at least a year or more until I found my way to strength training. -And the BIG symtpom here: unexplained itchy legs that keep me awake all night. It gets so bad I will scratch the hell out of my legs and cry from the pain. My feet used to BURN and still itch a lot, but the burning has subsided. I feel like the heat makes it worse, but i live in a hot, hunid climate. I feel otchy during the day but im busy enough to remain diatracted from it, until i sit still. I've had this for probably 15 years. Unsure if it's related to the lower back pain above. I've seen dermatologists who can't tell me what it is. I've seen an allergist who says I'm not allergic to anything they did their scratch test on. (They didn't push for more tests). Xrays show nothing. MRIs with contrast show partial empty Sella syndrome but nothing otherwise. Neurologists did a nerve conduction test and said I'm fine. Neurologist also said that small fiber neuropathy would not show up on the test they did, so could possiblybe small fiber. GP unofficially diagnosed me with neuropathy but without an explanation. This was all done right after my son was born, in the thick of COVID, so i gave up with trying to figure this out. I've tried Gabapentin and Lyrica, but neither helped that much. I feel like it's all just a guess at this point.
I take benadryl and claritin every night to help sleep. Since last pregnancy (4years ago), I sleep with ice packs on my legs. I wake up about 5 hours into my sleep when the itch flares up again to replace the ice packs.
I recently came across taking h1 and h2 blockers to help with symptoms. I tried it last night (pepcid ac 10mg and zytec 10mg). I have to say, I felt calmer and the itch wasn't as bad. But it's only one night of trying.
Anyway, I'll be discussing this with my doctor on Tuesday. He knows a little bit about my history, but I'm done with the runaround from doctors, so I haven't pushed for a diagnosis or treatment lately.
Thoughts? Opinions? Does it sound like MCAS or histimine intolerance MIGHT be on the right path? I don't even care about a diagnosis anymore, I just want to sleep without ice packs.

Six months ago, I withdrew from university after becoming addicted to both alcohol and cocaine. I was getting blackout drunk daily and taking out loans to fund a cocaine habit that left me physically and spiritually broken.
I reached out for help and began to attend AA meetings on a daily basis. I was sober for five months. I felt good; started exercising; felt a full range of emotions again.
I relapsed last week whilst on vacation abroad. I convinced myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic and that ‘one beer’ wouldn’t hurt, which led to me getting blackout drunk, waking up the next morning with a broken finger!
I promised myself that morning that I wouldn’t drink again, but I’ve been drinking for the last few weeks, convincing myself every morning that ‘today is the day I’ll be able to moderate’. Alas, I’ve had little success.
I’ve gained weight. My face is red. My insides hurt. I feel like crap.
I must be a pretty bad case if I’m this bad at such a young age, right? I really want a good future for myself and feel so ashamed for relapsing. I don’t have the heart to tell my parents, either, as I don’t want to worry them.
What should I do? I want to get sober again, but I’ve opened Pandora’s box, and can’t seem to close it…

helllooo, i'm cupid. i'm a bit lost on friendships rn. i tend to want connections so badly & then my mental health dips, i panic + pull away. so, here i am -- trying to fix it. lemme show you. if you're curious about my face, let's get it out of the way now, this is me, the red/black split dye is the recent version of me.
if you're someone who wants a person who'll nurture you, i'm her. i will water you like you've never experienced a single drop of water in your life. i will tell you when you're wrong & i will stand up for you when i believe you to be right. i am wholeheartedly involved in my friendships but i just struggle with the feeling of being terrified to be connected to people. past friendships [& relationships] have left me scorned.
i will genuinely offer you diamonds in the form of friendship, just reciprocate it. i will offer you the safest, most non-judgement free zone you can imagine, you are always - always, safe with me. i just ask that you are a good, kind, compassionate friend to me. you can literally tell me anything in the world and if it isn't hurting anyone else, i will listen without judgment. i promise you. i'll also send you spotify songs that i really enjoy, so again - hi. hello.
i'm smitten with people who are weird but not weird enough to make others uncomfy, or unable to enjoy the weirdness, ya know? i know you know. i like people who are into things that others mostly aren't: tarot, astrology, deep conversations, things like that. i might not actively be participating in said things but i like hearing the perspective of people who are! my friends always joke that i'm the person people say "i can fix her!" about but uh, i'm awesome. i don't need fixed. ✨ i adore social connections but i do come with a social battery and it needs refilled. me needing that time does not negate the connection i have built with you and am nurturing with you. i am trying my hardest to maintain friendships, so please give me a chance.
on to the fun tingz (and the stuff that will hopefully bring you in),

• watching my first ever anime, try to guess it [let's pretend my first actual one wasn't death note & that it wasn't the live action] -- most people love the "blue eyed handsome one"
• i'm the best wingman, hypeman & support team all in one
• horror fan through & through, but honestly, i prefer them less gory now lol, especially emotional horror
• cat loverrrr but will accept your frog [& all other animals] - so send pics. stat.
• known for dirty looks when i'm dissociating but i'm really just so focused on not existing
• graphic design major who switched to cybersecurity & will be starting this month, wish ya girl luck 💅
• gamer [valorant, ow2, cs2, hunt: showdown, pummel party, modded Minecraft, modded stardew,++]
• i don't play league, my mental health is terrible enough, thank you. i also don't play wow, my attention span could never. i do, however, play valorant because i don't like myself that much. i got you there, didn't i?
• loves to make make random noises but forgets my krisp isn't on
• mexican food 4 ever
• someone give me a banh mi please, they look so good, i'm desperate
• spotify songs are a love language, so lemme recommend you something

i am ✨sPiCy✨so if that bothers you, i am sorry. i, again, am a genuinely kind person but i do have a snarkiness to me that is meant to be a slight "i love you" + dash of bully. ❤

So for the past few years I've really been struggling with my sexuality and identity.
Im an afab nonbinary person, which is something that took me forever to figure out after years of being in denial; but now i think i might be in denial about liking women.
Ive mainly dated men, which I've never really felt butterflies or super strong romantic feelings for, or the 'fireworks' and 'warm' feelings that straight women describe when they kiss or get intimate with men. I dont really feel any of that. I can like a man romantically i guess? Though im not even sure if its romance anymore rather than just me trying to convince myself i like them?
But, when i was younger my 'first kiss' [kinda] was with a girl. I kissed her forehead as a joke but it felt like something in me exploded, i got tingly, butterflies, my heart was pounding and i felt flushed. I dont get that with men. I've never really had huge crushes on guys either, moreso just ones i'd choose during school to 'like' since everyone else had their crush.
Later on I would develop actual crushes on girls, including my friend and one of my coworkers. I would get those same feelings i described when i talked about kissing that girls forehead. Felt like an actual crush.
There was another instance at a party, where my ex boyfriends friend was dared to kiss me. When she kissed my face neck and body i felt like i was going to explode. It was nice, but i wonder why I dont get that way over guys. The most they can do is fluster me til i blush but thats about it.
Im currently dating a guy, hes been one of my best friends since i was 17, but even tho i love him i physically dont feel much.
When we were on an uber together, we went into a place similar to hooters, and i couldnt look any girl there in the eye without getting flustered and wanting to melt.
Im so confused because for the longest time i thought i was just bisexual but now im realizing i only get this way over women :(

Productive advice only please. Positive criticism if necessary
I am a 23F with a boyfriend of the same age. We’ve been dating for basically half a year now and we haven’t yet met each others friends properly. My boyfriend has a few close friends, one of which is 22F. My boyfriend tells me about her frequently, conversations they’ve had and how close they are where they’d have calls quite a lot and would know basically everything about each other.
He did say upon meeting me they decided to cut how much contact they had with each other, out of respect for me. I appreciate this, and I do like that he has friends that are female. I feel like in a way it has helped shape him as a person, which he also says, and I guess how I know him now.
But there are times where I do get uncomfortable with how close they are. Like with how much they know about each other, or how they’re in contact quite frequently and just generally how they talk to each other. They hadn’t met since my boyfriend met me, and recently my boyfriend came to me and asked me how I would feel if they met up with each other in his car. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea and rejected it.
He understood and then suggested that we all could meet up together, me him and his friend. I was quite hesitant with this where though it could go well, part of me is nervous with the prospect it might not go well. I might see something I don’t like, or she might not like me. And so I haven’t given him an answer.
I am afraid if I reject it my boyfriend would hold some sort of ‘resentment’ for not letting me meet his friend and I don’t want that. I also don’t want to be someone who is controlling but I am afraid I am coming across like that. But also I’m afraid if I meet his friend i might regret it.
Please be kind when commenting, thank you.

Based on the June 2024 visa bulletin, it seems that the EB3 green card category is going to face retrogression. My employer applied for my PERM in November 2023, and they expect it to be approved in December 2024. Right after that, they will apply for my I-140. My employer is very generous, and they are aware that I have been in a long-distance relationship for the past three years. Since there is still quite some time until I get my green card, we have been trying to figure out the best option for me, especially because I am getting married at the end of this year.
My fiancé is on an H-1B, and moving to my city is not possible because he cannot find any jobs here due to the industry he works in. It feels like getting my green card won't happen anytime soon, and the prospect of doing another two to three years of long distance is giving me anxiety. I am debating whether I should leave my job after my I-140 is approved and restart the whole process with another company, but still retain my priority date.
Looking for some advice!

This is likely going to be a long post (and maybe a lil sad) so thank you for sticking with me hehe.
Okay... Introductions. I'm bad at introductions. F. Uh... Basic info, I'm 21. A woman. I love reading, I've recently learnt to love going to the gym (still figuring stuff out.. By no means a proper gym girlie). I'm studying psychology, love horror and fantasy. For the most part I'm bubbly, sweet... I can YAP. And if you give me a space I can be myself and be comfy in, there's nothing I'll love doing more than making you smile by being my silliest sweetest self. I'm very free with the (platonic!) love I give and I will do everything in my power to make sure that you know that you're cared for.
Ha... Every word in the paragraph above is true..i know it... But the truth is... I don't always believe it. I don't always see the worth of my love. I don't always believe that I'm nice and sweet. I'm very, very hard on myself and I always have been. I might find accepting your care difficult, because part of me feels like I don't deserve it. My life is in shambles and even if you give me full permission to lean on you when things get rough, I may feel guilty. I want so desperately to feel less alone, to feel as loved and cared for as I hope I make other people feel, but I will try to push you away if you're kind when I feel broken because I think you deserve better than me.
I... I don't love myself as I should. I'm trying to learn how to. I've come very far on that journey, but I have a long way to go still. And... I don't know if I'm asking too much from you, kind stranger, but... I'm going to need patience. Consistent and open communication. Reassurance. Honesty... If you no longer want me in your life, say so. It'll hurt less than watching you pull away from me. And if you do want me in your life... I'll need to be held tighter when I try to push you away.
It really feels like I'm asking for too much... And I... I'm trying not to hate myself for it. But I'm just... I'm trying my best to heal and I need love and comfort and care now more than ever. I don't know how to find it in the people around me. I'm never alone, but I always feel lonely. I'm used to being the person that people lean on. But I'm so tired. I don't want to have to be strong all the time and face everything alone. I just... I want a friend who'll be there for me when it matters the most.

Has anyone who has had covid had burning feeling on their skin? I already have trigeminal neuralgia so the feeling is familiar to me. I had felt sick on May 28th tested negative initially. Didn't test positive until my taste/smell went and I had a flair up of my trigeminal neuralgia on June 3rd. I also started having burning on my forearms which I know has nothing to do with my trigeminal neuralgia. It gets worse with cold and when I took a bath it felt like I dunked a burn in warm water. I feel completely fine now except this burning that won't go away. Please tell me you had it and it went away.

Book One: Edge of Madness - Chapter One Previous Next
I could pretend to be a whore. That's what Masutap thought as she stood before the gate leading to the fortress of the Highlord of the Eastlocal. Pretense was a thing she indulged in back when she'd been an ordinary woman, with ordinary ambitions. But as of now, things had changed. Things had changed drastically, for she was now a champion of the Goddess of Order. A champion who would do anything in her power to mock the very being that fed her power.
Power, yes. It was what she felt. Every time her eyes turned upon the world, she saw Order. Like bees in a hive, working towards a similar objective. Survival. Yes, they all wanted to survive. And that's where the power lay, in her ability to deny a thing's chance at survival, for when her eyes flashed red, things died.
"Pardon me sir." A man dragging a cart of coal said. She was standing in his way, she knew this of course, she'd known it since the time he'd decided to deliver the coal. She saw the strings of prophesy in the smallest of things, and oh what power lied in discernment, to see the past and the future in absolute clarity, the secret lay in following strands of Order. The Highlord of the Eastlocal always received a cart of coal at around this time every fifth day. He would serve as her witness. Coal. She smiled, remembering how Orgeeg had managed to penetrate into the Palace of Binoria, on a stack of coal. She recalled how Orgeeg thwarted her plans, then she remembered how small her plans had been.
"Pardon me... Uh lady?" She removed her cowl as the Coal merchant spoke. Her hair was longer now, she'd let it grow, it dangled askew of her ears. Dark and rich as her mother's once was. Masutap smiled at the man whose face was caked in coal dust.
"Today Shama dies! Tonight the Highlord of the EastLocal is no more!" Masutap said.
Twin daggers she had strapped to her waist were suddenly in her hands. The coal merchant stumbled back several steps, dragging the cart with him. The sun was dipping into the horizon, becoming a smeared red smudge upon the canvas of her perception. Her eyes flashed red, and the smeared smudge's light brightened, blanketing everything, making her see.
She spun and threw the dagger in her left hand. The knife whirled in the air and met the throat of a guard who was just cresting the upper walkway of the gate, he wore red leather that marked him as one of the royal guards of the Highlord. A shout sounded. The guards at the gate turned their attention to her. They were six of them, each of them dazed with the slow reception of understanding. The bubble they lived in, understanding it enabled her to see how blind humanity is. Like sheep, no wonder the Vigons ruled them so easily.
She was in their midst before they drew their swords from their scabbards. She drove the dagger into the throat of the first one, danced in a pirouette, thrust free the dagger and hurled it into the throat of another guard. Her hands were free, she curled her fingers into fists.
The Goddess Meena, Goddess of Order, spoke to her. **What is the purpose of this?*
"Oh, you'll see." Masutap said and drove a fist into the chest of one guard, her hand caved through the chest cavity, snapping the spine in half and emerging free of the Guards back. She paused for effect, the three remaining guards gawked at her. She pried her arm free of the corpse and met their panicked gazes. "Sound the alarm, you're too few to make me sweat. I need all of you. Gods! Come on you fucking cowards!"
Two of the three guards charged her, one took a swing at her head with a flat blade, the sharp edge missed her by a hair's breadth as she ducked. She brought up her knee and connected with the man's groin, raising him off the ground, legs held apart, face contorted in pain. He collapsed on the ground with a squeal akin to that of a dying rabbit. The other guard put on a stance of Grind, legs parted, right foot before the left. Knees bent. He brandished his sword before him, and the guard behind him ran off to sound the alarm. Masutap smiled.
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He slept on a bed filled with whores. Talisi women with their dark skin and white hair, Remu women with their sandy peppered hair and copper skin, Binorian women with their blonde hair and pale milky skin. He was their God and they flocked to him in worship. He owned all of them, from the frailest to the most able bodied. From the smartest to the daftest. They were all his.
The Highlord of the Eastlocal observed the head of the Talisi woman resting on his thigh, her breathing was deep, her dark naked breasts rising and falling with every inhale and exhale. Five other women slept around him, each as beautiful as the last.
Of all the men in the realm, I alone am the honored one. Shama thought. He caressed his bulging belly with his pudgy fingers the size of sausages. His appearance did pass as grotesque. Bloated, balding with a cleanly shaven head, wide of girth and bow legged. Yet, no man has conquered the bodies of women as he had done. Women who lusted after tall handsome men. Women who sought capable men with astounding intelligence. They all gave in to him, none could deny him and when they did, well, there were ways to make them yield.
An orgy at noon. That was the gist of it, and another orgy before the midnight bell. Life was good, life was beautiful. Shama had thought that after the death of King Vayin Vigon in the hands of the infamous Kolotian, Ishar, that his wealth will dwindle, that his status will come down a step. That the might of Binoria will be a fickle thing after their first loss at war. But of course, this wasn't to be. The Queen, Dahli Vigon, had received the blessing of Meena, passed down from her father. As long as one with the Jojoh Meena, the blessing of Meena, still ruled, then things will stay as they've always been. Dahli had taken over, ensuring that Binoria didn't fall into anarchy, ensuring the Vigon name remained revered. The beautiful blonde haired girl was now the most potent soul upon the realm. How he longed to have her in his bed, parting those pale thighs sinuated with muscle. She'd become quite the fair lady. And her presence oozed power.
Shama wanted her but a thought kept his desires at bay. She'd frowned at him at the recent Highlords meeting with the throne. Apparently, his tastes and businesses didn't bode well with her. The selling of flesh, that is what he partook in with the zeal of a drowning man reaching for a floating oar. Importing women from all over the realm, some came willingly, others reluctantly. But in the end they all came. Their dignity thrown away for the promise of gold vigons. They filled the whore houses and men flocked to them in throngs, lining his pocket with gold vigons
It was his inventiveness that brought him to the top, the Highlord of the Eastlocal was once a position few envied. But his eye, trained in the art of commerce, enabled him to transform the east of Binoria. Creating a network that not only benefited him, but also the crown. And in so doing, despite her frowns and her reluctance to treat with him, she still couldn't voice her displeasure. Dahli needed him, she needed him for the coin necessary to maintain her position upon the crown. To line the pockets of her Legions. She needed him, and one day he will have her. No woman can deny him, and if they did, there were ways to make them give in.
Suddenly, the twin oak doors leading to his bed chambers flew open. The Captain of the Red Guard, in charge of his safety, Shang, walked in. "Highlord." He said with a bow, the women around him stirred. Outside, a bell started ringing, slowly at first then with extreme vigor. Something is wrong. Shang's obvious panic was clear to see. The opened door allowed him to see several Red guards crowded at the door.
"What is the meaning of this?" Shama asked, his beady eyes on Shang. An inhuman scream sounded somewhere within the fortress. Shama's blood chilled in his veins.
"There's an intruder." Shang said while ravaging through the clothes on the floor. He lifted a red jerkin, two sizes too large, the right size for the Highlord. He threw it at Shama and the Highlord hastened to put it on. He ignored the bewildered looks of the naked whores.
"Intruders or intruder?" Shama asked as Shang led him out of his bed chambers. Another scream sounded, closer. The guards at the door, seven of them, crested around him as Shang led the way.
"A woman, she's alone." Shang said.
Shama gripped Shang's arm, halting him. "What do you mean by this? A singular woman causing... causing... this?"
"She's..." Shang hesitated.
"Speak! You fool!"
"She seems to be inhumanly strong and fast. I only saw her fight through a blockade of my brothers, without a sword. She tore my brothers— the Red Guards, to pieces." Shang's eyes became glazed, as if his mind was replaying the mayhem he'd bore witness to. Shama let go of his arm. The trembling was taking him again, starting at the soles of his feet, up his spine around his neck to his hands. It had been so long since he felt this, the animalistic fear confounded on the existence of an unknown, an unknown that sought to see him dead.
"Captain, what is your course of action?" Shama asked.
Shang seemed to shake himself free of his trance. "We're going to take you to the stables, get you on the fastest steed and—" A scream echoed through the halls of the fortress of the Highlord of the Eastlocal. Checking everyone in place.
"What of provisions?"
"There's no time." Shang said. He drew a flat blade from the scabbard at his side. The Guards all around mimicked him, the rustling of steel could be heard, and there, at the Western end of the fortress, screams sounded.
Shang started a brisk walk towards the East end of the Fortress. His boots, soles lined with metal, clancked upon the ground. Shama shuffled close behind Shang, panting like a mare in heat. The Red Guards around him stole glances to their rear, sweat woven with fear formed a sleek mask upon their startled faces. And in those eyes Shama was able to weigh how dire matters were.
A shout sounded from ahead, bringing Shang to an abrupt stop. "How—" His words caught in his throat as a woman caked in blood and gore emerged from the bend linking the hallway they were in to another hallway that led to the stables.
She stood before them and spread out her bloody fingers at Shama. "Highlord, nice to meet you." She waved. "Say, I hear you can show a woman a good time and I'm in quite the mood for a good time tonight."
Shama trembled, the woman seemed vaguely familiar. The angles of her cheekbones , that nose, those eyes. She resembled Dahli.
"Moran and Jesul to me!" Shang commanded. Two of the guards behind Shama moved forward to flank Shang on either side. "Employ any forms, ensure I get close to her so I may employ the form of Awe."
Awe— the grappling technique that ensured the limbs were pinned. Shama saw Shang's ploy. He needed to contain the woman so Shama could move past them and head for the stables. Shama cursed himself for the design of his fortress that allowed for only one route to the stables.
Shang, Moran and Jesul raised their broad swords. One raising it above the head in a form of Rage, the other bringing the blade level with his face in the form of Pride. Shang lowered his blade and the guards flanking him charged, he followed close behind. The woman let out a cry that could only be translated as one of glee. She charged them.
Moran brought his sword down on the woman but she slid on her knees, allowing momentum to push her beyond the reach of his blade. Jesul thrust at her, raising his right leg and angling the sword downwards at her face. But the woman dodged, spun upon the ground on the small of her back and kicked Jesul's leg from under him. Jesul fell and as he raised his head he met with the woman's fist, there was a loud crunch as his face caved in. His hand let go of the sword as his body became limp.
Shang saw the opening and dived at the woman before she could stand. The woman spread her arms wide, welcoming. Shang pounced but instead landed on the woman's upraised knees, she grabbed his leather armor by the collar and flung him behind her and onto Moran. Both of them collapsed on the ground.
She stood up and smiled at Shama.
"Who are you?" Shama asked.
"I'm Masutap, the sister of Queen Dahli." The woman answered.
"Men! Turtle formation! Swords out, save the Highlord! Move you fools!" Shang said as he picked himself up from the ground behind Masutap.
The men around Shama compacted closer. Their swords pointing at Masutap who regarded them with a smirk upon her face. They inched forward, hesitantly at first, then with confidence as they saw their Captain pick up his sword. They all came to a stand still when the eyes of the woman glowed a fierce red, as if she held the Jojoh Meena. And Shama, the Highlord of the Eastlocal, trembled before her gaze.
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Intuition, the immediate cognition without the use of conscious rational processes. It was simple for her, she dodged the sword thrusts and swipes easily. She turned either way, always beyond reach of the blades, always within striking distance. Her strength was a thing of beauty, somehow her frail wrists held the power necessary to crush a throat and crush a throat she did. She didn't tire, she didn't require forms of combat. The power of the Goddess of Order coursed through her veins and with it came rejuvenation.
The Red Guards pounced on her, seeking to put in place the form of Awe. But their efforts were in vain, she side stepped them easily, always on her feet. She saw an opening and like a river emptying into the Rankf sea she took it, delivering a punch to the side of a Guard's chest, feeling as ribs broke and punctured the lung.
**What is the purpose of this?* The Goddess Meena spoke within her mind. An ever present being whose words sought to throw her off, to calm the tempest raging within her. Masutap didn't want calm, she wanted fire and brimstone, she wanted Binoria to burn so their precious Queen will rule nothing but ash. She decreed this with a war cry, plunging into the midst of the Red Guards. She kicked two, flinging them across the hallway. One thrust with his blade but she caught it between her arm and side, she twisted the blade free of his grasp, gripped the hilt and decapitated the man in one swift motion.
She parried a strike to her left, danced free of two thrust then brought the blade down onto a Guard's head. She felt as the blade bit bone and she wasted no time in pulling it free. **What is the purpose of this?* Meena asked once more.
Masutap took three steps back to widen her periphery. "An inferno." She said as she flexed her sword hand. Suddenly, the Guard who was definitely their Captain, reached into the mass of clustered Guards pressed to the wall, away from her. And pulled the Highlord free of the men surrounding him.
"Form a blockade!" He screamed as he tagged and pulled at the distraught Highlord, leading him towards the end of the hallway. The remaining Guards blocked her vision of them. Like a fool she'd been too enthralled by the battle, allowing the Highlord to slowly slip past her, cocooned in the safety of the Guards in their turtle formation. He was making clear his escape and somehow, this aroused her, blowing upon an ember lodged deep within her until it sparked.
**What is the purpose of this?* Like a parrot, the Goddess repeated her question.
"An inferno." Masutap answered and lunged.
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He was sweating profusely, his breath caught in his throat, causing him to choke on air. He followed Shang, feeling the Captain of the Red Guard's displeasure at his inability to keep up. They descended a flight of stairs, taking three at a time. He almost collapsed but the Captain steadied him.
"Not far now my Lord. Just at that bend before us." Shang said. They took the bend and ran clear of the fortress. The horses were just ahead, they rushed to them. Shama took delight in the open air. The stables were void of people, Shama wondered where the stable hands were. They entered the stable and Shang dragged him to the first cubicle on the right where a saddled horse stood.
Shama hastily climbed onto the saddle with the aid of the Captain. Shang placed his Highlord's feet in the stirrups and moved to flank the horse. "Lord." He said, fighting for solid ground that will enable his words to come forth easily. "It has been an honor to serve under you." Shama smiled but his smile proved too little a gesture to carry the weight or their current predicament. "Ride hard for the Capital, ensure the Queen knows of all that's gone down here. I will stay back and hold her for as long as I can." Shang concluded with a crisp salute. The Highlord nodded and with the guidance of his captain upon the horse's reins, they exited the stable "She is a good steed, see the mark of her coat? She can take you far." Shang said once free of the stables. A scream sounded from within the fortress, horrid in its guttural screech. "Go now my Lor—" Shang's words died in his mouth as an explosion erupted at the first floor of the fortress, stone parted, breaking as easily as a clay vase, the window panels and the glass set in place erupted outwards with the stone. Three figures tumbled free of the eruption, tangled in the air, twisting with the fall. They landed, the woman on her feet, knees bent and a fist pressed to the ground, the other two guards lay insensate upon the ground, their bodies a mangled mess. Shang slapped the horse's hide and Shama took of in a gallop.
The Highlord turned back, watched as the woman rose free of the debri and charged Shang. The captain employed a form of Grind but the Highlord's view was hindered by a sharp turn around the cobblestones towards the gate of his fortress. The blood and bodies upon the ground unsettled the horse, forcing its pace to be more hurried and Shama was all the more grateful for it.
She has the Jojoh Meena! Shama thought with awe as the horse broke free of the fortress in a quick gallop that had him bouncing upon the saddle. His thighs felt the brunt force of his escape but he could do nothing but hold on for dear life. This is what I'm reduced to, at the end of the line dependency thrives, in old age your children are those you depend on. I never thought I'd come to rely on anyone throughout my life. Yet here I am, depending on a horse to save my skin. He turned his head back and heaved a sigh of relief. The fortress was dwindling within his periphery, he had made quick his escape. Shama will live to see another day. And when the sun rises and sets, I will bring judgment upon the woman whose very existence rivals my own. Masutap. I will hunt her, she will know no safety within the realm, she will never know peace or a good night's slee— Something unnerved him. There, at the entrance to the fortress, a figure appeared. Following the path charted by his horse. She hopes to outrun my horse? He tilted his head back and laughed. There is faith and delusion and she seems to be enamored by both. To think her capable of outrunning a horse. What a fool what a— His thoughts halted when he turned back, his mouth dropped, his jaw hanging loose. Masutap was catching up, he did not know how but she was gaining on him. She'd been a speck in the distance, barely visible against the backdrop of the fortress. But now her features were getting more defined and her limbs, they were a blur as she pushed forward with inhuman speed.
Panic drove Shama into action, he kicked his heels at the horse's flanks. Willing it to go faster. "Run you fool! Run!" He was frothing at the mouth as the horse went downhill, cutting his view of the one in pursuit. He gripped harder at the reins and screamed, slapping the horse's neck. He looked back to see Masutap emerge upon the hill and start a quick descent after him. He thought about guiding the horse into the wilderness and thought against it seeing that a gallop won't be possible with trees in the way. His only hope was in outpacing her for surely, even one with the Jojoh Meena must tire. He hoped Masutap would relent, he hoped her bloodlust would have proved sated by the guards who'd met their end by her. He hoped that he would live to see the sun climb into the sky one more time. Darkness was setting in and suddenly thoughts of the sun and it's warmth sprouted a yearning within him that made him weep. He turned his head back, she was a hundred paces away. The horse was tiring, it's gallop lazed in vigor. This is the end then, all those afternoons spent indoors hosting orgies. I should have spent them beneath the sun, I should have spent them in the sun He looked back once more, his horse barely keeping pace. The horse threw a shoe and Shama was flung off it. He tumbled onto the ground, his weight rested upon his twisted knee, the sharp pop of the joint led him into an anguished wail. The horse screamed, its fore limbs oddly twisted. The horse thrashed upon the ground and Shama rolled away. He felt weak, he felt defeated and most of all, he felt hopeless.
He lay there, watching the sky, the moon was up, barely half of it adorned the night. He wished it had been full, all those nights when he'd regarded the sky as one would a thing of no consequence. Now he found himself wishing he'd appreciated it more. In the end regrets rule the mind, for in its dying wails no sound of gratitude can be heard.
She came and stood above him, her face blocking the view of the sky. She breathed loudly and for a moment the only sounds around them were from the injured horse and her.
"Dahli will come for you." He opined despite the throbbing pain within his twisted leg.
"Shama, darling," Masutap said as she lowered herself to lie beside him. She chuckled. "Darling, that word. The Goddess Meena loves that word. She uses it a lot. I find it distasteful yet here I am. Calling you darling."
"I have not time for pleasantries." Shama interjected. "Cut my throat and be done with it."
Masutap sighed. "That's not a creative way to kill someone you know. No, how many women have suffered pain beneath you? I have to give answer to that and that means a show. I will drag you to your fortress, there I will strip you naked and castrate you. I will feed you your cock as the women whom you took advantage of watch. Then we'll douse you in Rankf Oil and set you alight."
Shama started weeping. And a new voice joined the fray, he wept, she heaved and the horse screamed.
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helllooo, i'm cupid. i'm a bit lost on friendships rn. i tend to want connections so badly & then my mental health dips, i panic + pull away. so, here i am -- trying to fix it. lemme show you. if you're curious about my face, let's get it out of the way now, this is me, the red/black split dye is the recent version of me.
if you're someone who wants a person who'll nurture you, i'm her. i will water you like you've never experienced a single drop of water in your life. i will tell you when you're wrong & i will stand up for you when i believe you to be right. i am wholeheartedly involved in my friendships but i just struggle with the feeling of being terrified to be connected to people. past friendships [& relationships] have left me scorned.
i will genuinely offer you diamonds in the form of friendship, just reciprocate it. i will offer you the safest, most non-judgement free zone you can imagine, you are always - always, safe with me. i just ask that you are a good, kind, compassionate friend to me. you can literally tell me anything in the world and if it isn't hurting anyone else, i will listen without judgment. i promise you. i'll also send you spotify songs that i really enjoy, so again - hi. hello.
i'm smitten with people who are weird but not weird enough to make others uncomfy, or unable to enjoy the weirdness, ya know? i know you know. i like people who are into things that others mostly aren't: tarot, astrology, deep conversations, things like that. i might not actively be participating in said things but i like hearing the perspective of people who are! my friends always joke that i'm the person people say "i can fix her!" about but uh, i'm awesome. i don't need fixed. ✨ i adore social connections but i do come with a social battery and it needs refilled. me needing that time does not negate the connection i have built with you and am nurturing with you. i am trying my hardest to maintain friendships, so please give me a chance.
on to the fun tingz (and the stuff that will hopefully bring you in),

• watching my first ever anime, try to guess it [let's pretend my first actual one wasn't death note & that it wasn't the live action] -- most people love the "blue eyed handsome one"
• i'm the best wingman, hypeman & support team all in one
• horror fan through & through, but honestly, i prefer them less gory now lol, especially emotional horror
• cat loverrrr but will accept your frog [& all other animals] - so send pics. stat.
• known for dirty looks when i'm dissociating but i'm really just so focused on not existing
• graphic design major who switched to cybersecurity & will be starting this month, wish ya girl luck 💅
• gamer [valorant, ow2, cs2, hunt: showdown, pummel party, modded Minecraft, modded stardew,++]
• i don't play league, my mental health is terrible enough, thank you. i also don't play wow, my attention span could never. i do, however, play valorant because i don't like myself that much. i got you there, didn't i?
• loves to make make random noises but forgets my krisp isn't on
• mexican food 4 ever
• someone give me a banh mi please, they look so good, i'm desperate
• spotify songs are a love language, so lemme recommend you something

i am ✨sPiCy✨so if that bothers you, i am sorry. i, again, am a genuinely kind person but i do have a snarkiness to me that is meant to be a slight "i love you" + dash of bully. ❤

Ok, I know how the title sounds, but before ya’ll grab your torches and pitchforks, let me give you some background info. Also, sorry that it's a long post.
I (35 female) met my husband (40 male, we’ll call him Tom) 11 years ago. We were both still in the party phase of our twenties at that time. We drank and parties a lot,and had jobs where that sort of lifestyle was common (I was a waitress, and he had also worked in restaurants). During this time, my money was never well spent (obviously), and I got my car repoed twice, and had to move in with him to survive. This really made him reevaluate our current lifestyle.
Tom dragged me into a healthier lifestyle kicking and screaming. I still wanted to party, but I didn’t want to lose him. What we didn’t know at the time is that I had undiagnosed severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The party lifestyle was my way of self-medicating, and we didn’t find this out until much later.
I ended up getting a job as a medical assistant, and he finished his degree and got a government job. We moved across the country, got married, and had a baby, all while I didn’t really have a solid grasp on my mental health struggles.
After the birth of our daughter, I realized that I still had a lot of work to do in order to become the mother that she deserved. I finally saw my doctor about my struggles, got into talk therapy, and was placed on medication. It took a couple of tries, but I am finally on a good regimen, and my mental health is better than it has ever been.
I also took the birth of my daughter as an opportunity to quit my job and start working on a degree of my own. This is where the roles in Tom and my relationship started to become a problem.
As soon as we discussed my plan to go to school, Tom took it upon himself to find a college program for me, and he picked LPN (licensed practical nurse). I explained to him that while I wanted to stay in the medical field, I didn’t want to move into the world of nursing for a variety of reasons. He insisted that it was the best choice for our family, and that I would love it.
I told him that I really didn’t think it would suit me well, but that if he really wanted me to go into nursing, I should try to become an RN, because the pay would be better, and the training would be more comprehensive. He disagreed and said that we couldn’t afford for me to be in school for that long.
I really didn’t want to argue with him, and I felt myself shutting down, which is what I’ve always done when presented with conflict.
Day after day he would ask me if I had contacted the school he picked, or if I started the registration process. This constant pressure also made it very difficult for me to move forward. But finally, one day, while he was at work, and our daughter napped, I looked through the different programs available at the school that he picked. I found radiology technologist, and this quickly caught my interest. I called the school, scheduled my placement test, and was put in touch with who would end up being my advisor.
When he got home, I told him about what I had accomplished, and how excited I was about this particular program. He looked confused, and said something to the effect of “But I thought you wanted to do the LPN program? When did you change your mind?”
I explained, “No, you wanted me to do the LPN program, and I told you I didn’t want to get into nursing. I only agreed with you because you pushed it so hard. But look, this is also a two-year program, I’ll end up being an X-Ray tech, which I think will suit my strengths a lot better, and it has a lot of the same requirements.”
We ended up agreeing that Rad Tech was the best idea, but his has always insisted that LPN was my idea.
Fast forward two years. I am thriving in school, as a mother, and with my mental health. Our daughter is due to start pre-school in the fall, and I will be transferring schools to complete my degree. I have a 3.9 GPA, I am part of a prestigious honor society, and have earned numerous scholarships. I would like to think that I have grown up immensely in the past few years.
However, Tom still often treats me like a child. He does this in a lot of different ways. I’ll talk about buying a certain toy for our daughter, and if he doesn’t like the toy, he’ll usually just say “No, we’re not doing that.” If I push, he’ll say something to the effect of “You know how I feel about this,” which is his way of saying “End of conversation.” Whatever the issue is, we will almost always navigate through it and find a compromise. I don’t shut down with confrontation anymore and have gotten much better at arguing my points of view. But the way he talks to me seems super dismissive and has the same tone as a strict father talking to a rebellious teen. He can also be a complete man-splainer to an extreme degree.
I finally reached my breaking point with the way he talks to me yesterday. I had gone to my new campus to pick up my student I.D. and to walk around and get a feel for the place. I ended up being able to also get a copy of my class schedule before it was posted online. I realized that they had registered me for a class that I had already completed this past semester.
Tom called me while he was at lunch to chat, and I told him a bit about my day, and the mix up with my classes. I told him that I would make sure updated transcripts got sent to the campus, and I would email my advisor to discuss filling the slot with a different class (To be fair, I did say “with a B.S. class,” but obviously that isn’t how I would phrase it in the email). Tom started telling me “No, don’t do that. First, you have to make sure that you get new transcripts ordered, and then explain to him that you would rather take a humanities class. You can’t say a ‘B.S. class.’” He went on and on for a while.
Essentially, he took almost his entire lunch break to not only tell me what to do, but most of what he said, was what I had already planned on doing. When he had tired himself out with his rant, I stayed quiet, and just said “Ok.” He asked if I was mad, and I simply said “No, but please stop treating me like a child and trust that I will get this done on my own. You basically just took 15 minutes to tell me the exact same thing that I told you.”
Later that night, while I was cooking dinner, he opened the envelope that had my schedule in it, which had my name on it, not his, and started reading the schedule. This is a huge pet peeve of mine, but no matter how often I tell him this, he still does it. He then started trying to explain to me what all the different abbreviations on the form meant (which I already knew), and then started saying that he didn’t like how my schedule was set up. He thought it was too many classes one right after the other (it’s 3 classes in a row and would allow time for me to finish my school day early). He started telling me that I needed to tell my advisor to stretch out my schedule to allow time for a long lunch break, possibly with study time in between, yada yada.
I say yada yada, because I honestly stopped hearing what he was saying after a moment. Was he literally doing the exact same thing that I had asked him to stop earlier that day? Was he really man-splaining my class schedule to me? Was he really under the impression that he could tell me what to tell my advisor? I ended up cutting him off in the middle of whatever he was saying and said “Hey, you’re doing it again. Can you please stop treating me like a child? I’ll take care of this myself.”
He responded “You know I’m just trying to help. But if you don’t want my help, then fine. I’ll just shut up then.”
I lost it at that moment. The flood gates opened, and I honestly had no control over the words that came out of my mouth. I yelled that he wasn’t trying to help, that he was trying to dictate. I threw my GPA in his face, and explained how much I accomplished, while being the full time caregiver to our child, cooking every meal, running every household errand, and keeping our house spotless. I yelled that I wasn’t the dress over my head party girl who needed a guiding hand anymore, and that I was a grown ass responsible woman. I ended it with “You need to stop treating me like a Goddamn child and start treating me like a partner, because I’ve earned it.”
Tom was silent. We haven’t had a fight that involved yelling in years. He wasn’t used to this side of me at all. Eventually he apologized, said that I was right, and then went to have some alone time to process everything.
Here’s why I think that I may have been the asshole, and no, it’s not him trying to gaslight me into thinking I am. As I play the whole thing back in my head, I can’t help but think that I seriously crossed a line or two. First, our daughter, who is only two years old, was in the room with us. I never want us to be the type of parents that yell and scream in front of her.
Second, in the span of just a couple of years, I basically completely flipped the script on him. The beginning, and most of our relationship was spent with him being the grown up, and me being the screw up. I have essentially changed my entire brain chemistry with medication, have had talk therapy to help me grow as a person. Basically, I’ve reinvented myself. While all this has happened over the course of two years, you’d be surprised how quickly that time flies by in your late thirties/early forties, especially with a baby/toddler thrown into the mix. To Tom, it really could seem like this change, and my anger has come out of nowhere.
Also, just because I’ve changed, doesn’t mean that he has. He hasn’t been through the same hormonal and chemical changes that I’ve been through. Maybe I am the asshole for expecting the person he has always been to suddenly conform to the new me.
So what’s the verdict? Am I the asshole?